ATAR Notes: Forum
National Education => Admissions tests => Selective Schools Admissions Tests => Topic started by: zhen on November 15, 2017, 02:55:42 pm
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I’m just going to start this thread as a place where people can submit essays for others to mark. I think doing this would be way better than having 5 different threads all asking for essay marking, which is kind of what happened this year. Over the holidays I’ll personally try to mark every essay submitted on this thread. Hopefully other people like GalacticProcess, who’s been doing an amazing job so far marking heaps of essays can help me out. Also, before you guys start posting your essays I’d prefer it if you specify what year you’re applying for and the essay topic at the start of your post so I can provide adequate feedback. Just a heads up but I know absolutely nothing about the John Monash selective school exam. I’m only acquainted with the MHS/Macrob/Nossal/Suzanne Cory one. Also, if you end up finding the feedback helpful or it ends up helping you get into your desired school, please don’t just forget about the forums and try to pay it forward. Right now I’m just praying that this thread doesn’t end up completely empty and devoid of posts. :)
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Definitely will use it but currently have exams at school ;D
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Topic:
Because of fast food restaurant offering unhealthy meals, they should all close down.
Fast food restaurants have been growing economically and globally, thus offering unhealthy meals everywhere. Fast food restaurants do offer unhealthy meals, but contradictorily, we are the people who are buying it, the person who are making the choices to buy the unhealthy food that have detrimental effects to our bodies. Only when people are addicted will they become fat and eventually obese, with a high probability of them dying from a heart attack or high blood pressure. Instead of closing all the restaurants downs, we should warn them about the consequences that of they get addicted will have to come upon or enhance the fitness society to reduce the amount of diabetic or obese people.
Signs to warn the "addicted to fast food" people are vital to convey the future consequences. As the similar of these have been put up for smoking, it had reduced the amount of smokers dramatically. With the invention of vapes, a non-tobacco product, most smoker have moved onto vapes. This same thing could be done with the fast foods as well, inventing less fatty meals that taste exactly or near like the original. Though people might prefer the real, some would rather try the one that tastes like it and at the same time, staying healthy. Remember, food is about the taste, not more about what it's made of. If something similar but healthier was made exactly like the original, it would prevent the amount of obese and diabetic people.
Exercising is what everyone does everyday, but some a lot and some at the bare minimum. It only takes the movement of your legs just to start exercising. Even though the obese people will have problems exercising, it is most likely their only way of losing weight consistently. Our fitness society is currently not big enough, just people who are wanting to get six-packs and biceps and not people who are trying too change their lives. Increasing the amount of gyms in an area is crucial, not only for obese people but also to stay healthy.
Appearance is everyone's first impression of one and destroying it by the body may lead to more neurotic behaviours like depression. Closing all the restaurants won't do much and will encourage hate on the government. Instead, improving and increasing the amount of gyms in an area is more useful. Posters about the consequences will also impact and reduce the amount.
Ok, a little cringy but I believe it will improve.
*Couldn't find a word to used instead of contradictorily as it doesn't sound right.
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Topic:
Because of fast food restaurant offering unhealthy meals, they should all close down.
Fast food restaurants have been growing economically and globally, thus offering unhealthy meals everywhere. Fast food restaurants do offer unhealthy meals There’s some repetition going on here. Maybe try to condense it to avoid repeating the words unhealthy meals , but contradictorily You’re right in saying that it sounds weird , we are the people who are buying it, the person who are making the choices to buy the unhealthy food that have detrimental effects to our bodies. I think this bit is really just repeating what you said earlier. Repetition should be avoided. In my opinion, you should say something like Fast food restaurants offer unhealthy meals which are detrimental to the human body. However, many people willingly choose to consume such meals due to their unawareness of the plethora of ramifications these meals have upon their health. Only when people are addicted will they become fat This is too informal in my opinion and eventually obese, with a high probability of them dying from a heart attack or high blood pressure. Instead of closing all the restaurants downs, we should warn them I think you’re referring to the customers. However, since you don’t mention the customers at all during your sentence, the reader becomes unsure of who you’re referring to when you say them about the consequences that of Minor grammatical error. If you did it under timed conditions then it’s probably because you were rushing they get addicted will have to come upon or enhance the fitness society to reduce the amount of diabetic or obese people. This is a really dodgy topic in my opinion, but the proposed solution seems really dodgy and unrealistic.
Signs to warn the "addicted to fast food" people are vital to convey the future consequences. Expression just sounds clunky here As the similar of these have been put up for smoking, it had reduced the amount of smokers dramatically. With the invention of vapes, a non-tobacco product, most smoker have moved onto vapes. This same thing could be done with the fast foods as well, inventing less fatty meals that taste exactly or near like the original. In my opinion this sounds like such a cringeworthy proposition. Maybe saying teaching children or people of all ages to eat healthier alternatives might be better than this. Though people might prefer the real, some would rather try the one that tastes like it and at the same time, staying healthy. Remember, food is about the taste, not more about what it's made of. If something similar but healthier was made exactly like the original, it would prevent the amount of obese and diabetic people. I feel like this whole argument is really shaky. The whole argument goes that inventing healthy food that tastes as good as junk food will eventually make people eat less junk food. The thing is that there are heaps of healthy meals out there that are delicious and aren’t necessarily bad for one’s health. In my opinion the reason why junk food is so popular is because these alternatives are more expensive and less convenient.
Exercising is what everyone does everyday, but some a lot and some at the bare minimum Expression here is not ideal. Sounds a bit informal and clunky . It only takes the movement of your legs just to start exercising. Even though the obese people will have problems exercising, it is most likely their only way of losing weight consistently. Our fitness society is currently not big enough This is again colloquial and not the best way to express yourself, just people who are wanting to get six-packs and biceps and not people who are trying too change their lives. Increasing the amount of gyms in an area is crucial, not only for obese people but also to stay healthy.
In my opinion having a persuasive piece solely based upon potential solutions is not the best way to structure an essay. Instead you should be focussing on the advantages of fast food restaurants and form a contention on the matter. I would personally argue that closing down all fast food restaurants is way too extreme and it will be inconvenient for the people who rely on them for a quick meal. People are busy and may not have the time to make their own meals. This provides a convenient and cheap alternative. Also, think about the numerous businesses that would have to close down and the jobs lost. In my opinion these arguments would greatly improve your essay.
Appearance is everyone's first impression of one and destroying it by the body may lead to more neurotic behaviours like depression. Closing all the restaurants won't do much and will encourage hate on the government. Popping this idea in now without discussing it beforehand seems a bit unusual Instead, improving and increasing the amount of gyms in an area is more useful. Posters about the consequences will also impact and reduce the amount.
Ok, a little cringy but I believe it will improve.
*Couldn't find a word to used instead of contradictorily as it doesn't sound right.
Ok, I was insanely harsh on your essay compared to normal, so don’t feel bad after reading the feedback. I think that you’ve got a good foundation going on, but you still have a bit of work to do. Anyway, keep working hard. :)
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Ok thanks for the feedback @zhen
Now I will write a creative essay.
Topic: Imagine a box that says 'Do not open' on it
There was a door in our house, that only Dad and Mum have been down through. It was to our basement. The dark and deeply enthralling entry just frightened me. It was like there were apparitions waiting for me down there, just like a haunted house. Dad and Mum had always been telling me that I should never go down there, no matter what as ghosts were down there. But today, they had both gone to work, it was a Sunday morning too. I hesitated for a minute, then asked my younger brother, Xavier, who was only two years younger than me to come with me. Even though when I asked Xavier, he was frightened but at the same time, he saw curious, just like me. In the end, we agreed to both go down there.
Holding a dim lit candle on my palm, I tiptoed stealthy and meticulously right next to my younger, who was shivering. When we were at the bottom, I grabbed the door knob and opened the door. As I started to walk in to open the light, I realised the wooden floor was creaking. 'It must be a secret old room...." I murmured. "I guess so.." replied Xavier reluctantly. His voice made me think that he wanted to go back up and leave the room. As I started to comfort him and search around the room, he started calming down. It was until we saw a wooden box that said 'Do not open' on it.
The elaborate carved writing on the wooden vintage box with a black polka-dot ribbon around it struck me; 'Do not open.' I could tell Xavier was aghast, we both didn't know that something secret was in here. With urge and desire, I had refused reluctantly to open the box and obey the rules. My mind ran through different worlds, just of pondering what precious items would be in there. After a few moments, Xavier and I had agreed to open the box, but found out that there saw a padlock and a key was needed. Abruptly, I realised that there was a smaller key just before we went it. I went over to get it and came back. Seeing Xavier finally excited for what was to be a "mystery" was what I've always wanted to see. Just a smile or giggle on his face.
As I unlocked the padlock and opened the wooden box, I heard the front door upstairs open, it was either Mum or Dad! "Oh no", Xavier and I said startled. We just had a peek of what was in the box and there I saw, an embroidered illegible word on the fabric with sakura petals surrounding it. As we both went to run upstairs, Mum was there. "What are you doing down here Xavier and Oscar???"
I eventually realised that the embroidered word on the fabric was my fathers name, Robert. All these paradoxes my parents told me finally ended, with Xavier and I knowing the truth. Xavier and I made a solemn oath that we would not leak any information about the wooden box to Dad as it was a secret gift.
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Ok thanks for the feedback @zhen
Now I will write a creative essay.
Topic: Imagine a box that says 'Do not open' on it
There was a door in our house, that only Dad and Mum have been down through. It was to our basement. The dark and deeply enthralling entry just frightened me. It was like there were apparitions waiting for me down there, just like a haunted house. Some good descriptions here Dad and Mum had always been telling me that I should never go down there, no matter what as ghosts were down there. Repetition here and the expression is a little bit clunky But today, they had both gone to work, it was a Sunday morning too. I feel like you just added this but onto the sentence, which makes it flow worse I hesitated for a minute, then asked my younger brother, Xavier, who was only two years younger than me to come with me. Even though when I asked Xavier, he was frightened but at the same time, he saw curious, just like me. This sentence isn’t as clear as it should be cause too many things are going on in this one sentence In the end, we agreed to both go down there.
Holding a dim lit candle on my palm, I tiptoed stealthy and meticulously some good description here right next to my younger brother, who was shivering. When we were at the bottom, I grabbed the door knob and opened the door. As I started to walk in to open the light, I realised the wooden floor was creaking. 'It must be a secret old room...." I murmured. "I guess so.." replied Xavier reluctantly. His voice made me think that he wanted to go back up and leave the room. Nothing is really bad about this, but you should show more rather than telling. Like describe Xavier breathing heavily or his voice quavering to show that he wants to leave As I started to comfort him and search around the room, he started calming down. It was until we saw a wooden box that said 'Do not open' on it.
The elaborate carved writing on the wooden vintage box with a black polka-dot ribbon around it struck me; 'Do not open.' I could tell Xavier was aghast, we both didn't know that something secret was in here. With urge and desire, I had refused reluctantly to open the box and obey the rules. My mind ran through different worlds, just of pondering what precious items would be in there. After a few moments, Xavier and I had agreed to open the box, but found out that there saw a padlock and a key was needed. Abruptly, I realised that there was a smaller key just before we went it. I went over to get it and came back. Seeing Xavier finally excited for what was to be a "mystery" was what I've always wanted to see. Just a smile or giggle on his face. I’m not sure what was the purpose of the padlock and the key. It seemed really jarring when reading about it and I felt like it disrupted the flow of the story.
As I unlocked the padlock and opened the wooden box, I heard the front door upstairs open, it was either Mum or Dad! "Oh no", Xavier and I said startled. We just had a peek of what was in the box and there I saw, an embroidered illegible word on the fabric with sakura petals surrounding it. As we both went to run upstairs, Mum was there. "What are you doing down here Xavier and Oscar???" I’m not sure if you agree but this seemed a little anticlimactic. I was expecting something grander and more interesting.
I eventually realised that the embroidered word on the fabric was my fathers name, Robert. All these paradoxes my parents told me finally ended, with Xavier and I knowing the truth. Xavier and I made a solemn oath that we would not leak any information about the wooden box to Dad as it was a secret gift. I might be missing something but does this seem overdramatic after finding out what was inside the box. I’d feel disappointed that that’s all there was after all the hyping up you did.
Overall I liked your creative more than your persuasive. I feel like I liked your description at the start of your creative and the kind of ominous feeling you were giving. I feel like this sort of dropped off towards the later half of your creative where you were just listing out the things that happened without describing them in detail. In my opinion having an eloquent and detailed description is important for these creatives especially since it’s way too difficult to make a good meaningful story in 15 minutes. I feel like you should show rather than tell. So, say he was trembling and his eyes were flickering around rather than he was scared. This really helps with giving more detailed descriptions. I felt like your ending was a bit anticlimactic which may have been cause you were rushing at the end of your creative. Overall good job and keep up the good work. :) Also feel free to ask me questions if you’re not sure about parts of my feedback or notify me if you disagree with anything I’ve said, cause I sometimes say dodgy stuff.
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Overall I liked your creative more than your persuasive. I feel like I liked your description at the start of your creative and the kind of ominous feeling you were giving. I feel like this sort of dropped off towards the later half of your creative where you were just listing out the things that happened without describing them in detail. In my opinion having an eloquent and detailed description is important for these creatives especially since it’s way too difficult to make a good meaningful story in 15 minutes. I feel like you should show rather than tell. So, say he was trembling and his eyes were flickering around rather than he was scared. This really helps with giving more detailed descriptions. I felt like your ending was a bit anticlimactic which may have been cause you were rushing at the end of your creative. Overall good job and keep up the good work. :) Also feel free to ask me questions if you’re not sure about parts of my feedback or notify me if you disagree with anything I’ve said, cause I sometimes say dodgy stuff.
Thanks for your feedback!!!
I just remembered I should show not tell, with your great example; So, say he was trembling and his eyes were flickering around rather than he was scared. Thank you !! :))
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ZHENNN REMEMBER MEEH???????????????????????????????? IM GOING TO MHS FOR ORIENTATION NEXT MONTH. BTW WHEN R UR VCE RESULTS COMING OUT. HOPE U GET 99.95
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Hey Guys,
Sorry have been a bit inactive, was preparing for all my exams which all averaged 30% of my total mark ( And a guitar exam!!)
Anyway here is my creative writing piece, I used the same stimulus as Sapalnca! (By the way welcome to ATAR notes Sapalnce!)
Stimulus: Imagine a box that says “Do not open” on it
Story:
It was a Sunday afternoon. Mum and Dad had gone to the shops to go and get this weeks groceries. As usual, I didn’t want to go, so I stayed home. I lived in an incredibly boring neighbourhood and since we had just moved into a new house I decided to explore it.
Out home was full of boxes from our old house, all our previous memories had been in that house, I didn’t really get why we had to move.
So I walked around the house. It was extremely filthy, whilst I would be walking around through the corridors, I would always get tangled by a cob web. The old splintery floors also made a horrible squeak every time I place my foot on a flood board.
Whilst walking through the house I noticed a ladder leading into the roof, I was curious but some what afraid that it would as disappointing as the whole house was. Suddenly a warm light was radiating through the hole.
I was preparing myself for the worst. How bizarre it was for a light to turn on so suddenly. I cautiously climbed the ladder, a nice warmth was was in the room. I looked around a fire place was there, there were some logs and a large fire was radiating the room.
This was unusual, this room was unlike anything in the house. The rest of the room was panelled in a redwood veneer. There was a carpet on the floor as a pose to the floor boards below. I walked around the room. Whilst walking around I had stumped my toe, on a wooden box, which was polished to perfection, and had the word engraved on it “at all costs do not open, or you will have face what so many others have”. My curiosity got the better of me, I quickly opens the box, and in an instant an eye piercing light covered the whole room, and a deep voice erupted “who dares awaken the slumber of Zeus !”
Thanks for reading
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Hey Guys,
Sorry have been a bit inactive, was preparing for all my exams which all averaged 30% of my total mark ( And a guitar exam!!)
Anyway here is my creative writing piece, I used the same stimulus as Sapalnca! (By the way welcome to ATAR notes Sapalnce!)
Stimulus: Imagine a box that says “Do not open” on it
Story:
It was a Sunday afternoon. Mum and Dad had gone to the shops to go and get this weeks groceries. As usual, I didn’t want to go, so I stayed home. I lived in an incredibly boring neighbourhood and since we had just moved into a new house I decided to explore it. This opening seems a little generic and not descriptive enough. Like describe what made the neighbourhood boring or describe what you’re seeing/feeling/smelling around you. Was it a hot day where the sun shone bright in the distance and beads of sweat were running down your face? Describing these details will really make your writing much more interesting in my opinion.
Out home was full of boxes from our old house, all our previous memories had been in that house, I didn’t really get why we had to move. I think these feel like seperate sentences and you should seperate them with a semicolon or full stop I think. Not too sure about this. Also, why didn’t you get why you had to move? Were you reluctant to move? Were you sad about moving? Make sure you really describe these emotions.
So I walked around the house. It was extremely filthy Don’t just tell the reader what the house looked like. Show it to them. Were there cockroaches scuttling across the floorboards? Was there a horrendous stench emanating from the house? , whilst I would be walking around through the corridors, I would always get tangled by a cob web. The old splintery floors also made a horrible squeak every time I place my foot on a flood board. This is the type of description that I’ve been looking for
Whilst walking through the house I noticed a ladder leading into the roof, I was curious but some what afraid that it would as disappointing as the whole house was. Suddenly a warm light was radiating through the hole. This is decent. I’m feeling a slight sense of suspense going on here.
I was preparing myself for the worst. How bizarre it was for a light to turn on so suddenly. I cautiously climbed the ladder, a nice warmth was was in the room. I looked around and a fire place was there, there Don’t think a comma here is correct but you should check for yourself cause I’m not the best at grammar were some logs and a large fire was radiating the room.
This was unusual, this room was unlike anything in the house. The rest of the room was panelled in a redwood veneer. There was a carpet on the floor as a pose Do you mean as opposed? to the floor boards below. I walked around the room. Try to be more descriptive. You could say you made slow, steady steps around the room or something like that Whilst walking around I had stumped my toe, on a wooden box, which was polished to perfection, and had the word engraved on it “at all costs do not open, or you will have face what so many others have”. My curiosity got the better of me, I quickly opens Should be opened I think cause you’ve been in past tense throughout your piece the box, and in an instant an eye piercing light covered the whole room, and a deep voice erupted “who dares awaken the slumber of Zeus !”
Thanks for reading
Honestly I feel like this is a decent attempt at a creative piece. But I feel like what’s holding you back is really just missing those opportunities to add in some description which will improve your writing greatly in my opinion. Adding in descriptions really helps to keep the reader’s attention and make them feel like they’re experiencing what’s happening in the story. Overall good job and keep up the good work. :)
Also, just a heads up for later. I plan on correcting every essay that gets put on here during the holidays. However, after my holidays finish I don’t think I’ll have the time to do this cause I’ll be busy with university and other obligations. So, just take advantage of this opportunity right now to spam me with essays cause I’m unsure of whether I’ll be able to help you guys later.
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Topic: Because of fast food restraints off ring unhealthy meals, they should all close down
Fast food corporations are some of the biggest TNCs in the world. They contribute a lot of money into all sorts of categories. So why would it be a good idea to close down all these restaurants? Not only do they contribute to our economy, they also offer cheap food, which allows some people to have a proper meal.
McDonald’s, KFC, Burger King; all these companies have subsidiaries in Australia, which have to pay tax. These companies also donate a lot of money into certain political causes. They help boost our economy, so we can invest the money that they give us into more important matters. Sure, every company has to pay tax, but these companies give a lot of money. Which can allow for a tax shift thus permitting poorer people to pay less tax.
Fast food is generally very cheap. That allows for us, the consumer, to have the opportunity to not spend as much money on food. Allowing us to spend more money on things, we want.
As the name implies fast food, takes an incredible short amount to produce. So, if you are feeling hungry or thirsty you can got to your local McDonald for a hamburger.
There are many studies showing that fast food is a larger contributor to obesity in Australia. Since Australians are fatter then we ever were this problem is starting to become bigger and bigger. But these companies, also allow for people who can’t normally afford to get a decent sized meal, to get a lot of food.
In conclusion, it would be stupid to ban fast food restaurants from working in Australia. As they are larger contributors to our economy, and offer cheap food. Although it is a problem that fast food increases the chances of somebody becoming obese, it does allow for people to have a proper meal, instead of having to eat on the bare minimum.
Thanks for reading!
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Topic: Because of fast food restraints off ring unhealthy meals, they should all close down
Fast food corporations are some of the biggest TNCs in the world. They contribute a lot of money into all sorts of categories. The word seems like it’s not the best choice So why would it be a good idea to close down all these restaurants? Not only do they contribute to our economy, they also offer cheap food, which allows some people to have a proper meal. Like your use of the rhetorical question and overall this bit seems decent
McDonald’s, KFC, Burger King; all these companies have subsidiaries in Australia, which have to pay tax. Don’t think you used the semicolon right, but don’t trust me on this cause I never use it. Thought that it’s usually used to link two seperate sentences that focuses on the same thing. These companies also donate a lot of money into certain political causes. They help boost our economy, so we can invest the money that they give us into more important matters. Sure, every company has to pay tax, but these companies give a lot of money. Which can allow for a tax shift thus permitting poorer people to pay less tax.
Fast food is generally very cheap. That allows for us, the consumer, to have the opportunity to not spend as much money on food. Allowing us to spend more money on things, we want.
As the name implies fast food, takes an incredible short amount to produce. So, if you are feeling hungry or thirsty you can got to your local McDonald for a hamburger. I would personally avoid having paragraphs this short. I feel like condensing these two small paragraphs into a bigger paragraph talking about convenience overall is much better structurally than these two small paragraphs. Having small paragraphs generally mean that you simply touch on an idea without fully fleshing the idea out and exploring it, which is what I feel has happened here.
There are many studies showing that fast food is a larger contributor to obesity in Australia. Since Australians are fatter then we ever were this problem is starting to become bigger and bigger. But these companies, also allow for people who can’t normally afford to get a decent sized meal, to get a lot of food. Ok the role of a rebuttal is to bring up an opposing argument and smash it to pieces. This attempt at a rebuttal brings up an opposing argument and instead of smashing that argument to pieces, you bring up another argument which is actually completely unrelated to the argument you are refuting. You essentially accept that the opposing argument is valid by not arguing against it but imply that the seperate argument you bring up is more important than the one by the opposition. Also, the argument you bring up is basically repeating the prior idea that fast food is cheap. What I’m trying to point out is that the way you’ve structured your rebuttal isn’t great. You either want to refute the claim that fast food is linked to obesity or not bring it up at all cause it weakens your side.
In conclusion, it would be stupid This seems a bit too colloquial to ban fast food restaurants from working in Australia. As they are larger contributors to our economy, and offer cheap food. This is a sentence fragment rather than a sentence. You either need to replace the full stop before as with a comma or restructure the sentence Although it is a problem that fast food increases the chances of somebody becoming obese, it does allow for people to have a proper meal, instead of having to eat on the bare minimum.
Thanks for reading!
Overall a pretty decent attempt. I think that I was a bit harsh so don’t let the comments dishearten you. Make sure you keep working hard. :) Also if you have any questions feel free to respond to me, especially if you disagree with something I’ve said.
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Stimulus: Imagine you have lost something precious, you have lost it and it has been returned to you.
I never really had a really good relationship with my parents. My Mother and Father divorces when I was 7; and I was forced to live at my mothers house. There, I would run around, in 40 degree weather, to the point where my mum got so sick of me; that she sent me to boarding school.
After she had sent me there I was never the same. The boarding school was cold, filled with sand stone corridors, that echoed with the slightest whisper; this only emphasised my loneliness. It didn’t get any better at high school. I shared a bed room with my only friend, our room was filthy, it would be a common sight to see cockroaches skuttling out of the worn out floor boards, every time you walked across them.
After school I entered university, that was when my father died. It didn’t really affect me, because I never really got to see him after my parents divorce. Shortly after, my mother would join him, this would affect me greatly. Even though my mother sent me to boarding school I still loved her.
My whole world had crashed, I was in the deep dark hole called depression and I was only going deeper.
Whilst cleaning out my mothers attic, where I would go as a kid to use a castle; I noticed that my mother had repurposed it as a room full of memories. The room was dusty, with one breath you would be sneezing immediately. The room was incredibly dated with furniture from that looked like was made from the previous century. Suddenly my eye had caught something.
It was a photo album with a note attached. It read: “I haven’t always been the best mother, but I hope this will make it better.” I carefully opened the photo album. It’s plastic coves were yellowing. The photos were of me and my mother. I started to feel better. It showed everything leading up to when I was sent away, I finally felt good again. For the first time, I had smiled.
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Stimulus: Imagine you have lost something precious, you have lost it and it has been returned to you.
I never really had a really good relationship with my parents. My Mother and Father divorces when I was 7; and I was forced to live at my mothers house. There, I would run around, in 40 degree weather Not the best description, to the point where my mum got so sick of me; that she sent me to boarding school. Still unsure if you’re using this semicolon right
After she had sent me there I was never the same. The boarding school was cold, filled with sand stone corridors, that echoed with the slightest whisper I’m loving the descriptive language used here; this only emphasised my loneliness Actually I’m honestly not the most experienced with semicolons, so I’m not entirely sure if you’re using it right. Also, I think the sentence basically says that the atmosphere emphasised my loneliness, which is a bit unusual. . It didn’t get any better at high school. I shared a bed room with my only friend . Our room was so filthy that it was a common sight to see cockroaches skuttling out of the worn out floor boards as you walked across them. I just changed the sentence up a bit cause I thought that it was a bit jarring before and cause I think you’re misusing commas.
After school I entered university, that was when my father died. My father died when I entered university sounds better I think It didn’t really affect me, because I never really got to see him after my parents divorce. Shortly after, my mother would join him, this would affect me greatly. Maybe describe how it affected you Even though my mother sent me to boarding school I still loved her.
My whole world had crashed, I was in the deep dark hole called depression and I was only going deeper. I love the metaphor going on (well I think it’s a metaphor)
Whilst cleaning out my mothers attic, where I would go as a kid to use a castle; I noticed that my mother had repurposed it as a room full of memories. The room was dusty, with one breath you would be sneezing immediately. The room was incredibly dated with furniture from that looked like was made from the previous century. Suddenly my eye had caught something. Some good description going here
It was a photo album with a note attached. It read: “I haven’t always been the best mother, but I hope this will make it better.” I carefully opened the photo album. It’s plastic coves were yellowing I don’t really like this word. The photos were of me and my mother. I started to feel better. It showed everything leading up to when I was sent away, I finally felt good again. For the first time, I had smiled.
I think you’ve really improved from the last creative. I’m really loving the plot of this story. It’s nice and meaningful, but sadly I don’t think it relates to the prompt. The prompt says that you lost something precious but it’s not clear what you lost. I’m not sure what you lost and what was returned to you. I’ll just ask you first what you were planning to be the thing you lost?
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I think you’ve really improved from the last creative. I’m really loving the plot of this story. It’s nice and meaningful, but sadly I don’t think it relates to the prompt. The prompt says that you lost something precious but it’s not clear what you lost. I’m not sure what you lost and what was returned to you. I’ll just ask you first what you were planning to be the thing you lost?
Hi Zhen,
Thanks for all the marking! The thing that the character lost was his happiness, I was trying to show his journey from depression to happiness, next time I will try to make it clearer!!
Hugo
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Hi Zhen,
Thanks for all the marking! The thing that the character lost was his happiness, I was trying to show his journey from depression to happiness, next time I will try to make it clearer!!
Hugo
I kind of suspected that the thing lost was happiness but I wasn’t sure. I agree that you needed to make it clearer that the thing he lost was his happiness. Also, I think you could also make it more clear he was happy in the first paragraph (assuming that he was happy cause he was running around in crazy temperatures). This will show the transition and the loss of happiness more clearly. Feel free to post more essays and I’ll try to respond as soon as possible.
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School Holiday ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D!
Essay Topic: Australia should reinstate the death penalty.
The death penalty is a controversial topic in Australia. Many people disagree with the idea of killing somebody for their crimes. Is it really that bad of an idea? In Australia the maximum sentence one can get is life imprisonment. This form of punishment, is extremely wasteful to our resources, and makes people live out their days in a concrete box for the rest of their lives.
To sustain life a very expensive task. Especially when you are having to look after Australia's most dangerous criminals. So why do we do it? Why do we waste our resources on people who don't deserve to live? The death penalty would allow for Australia to spend less money on housing Australia's worst. Instead of looking after a psychopathic serial killer, we can spend that money on education, transport, the possibilities are limitless!
The death penalty would only be used on people who deserved it, for example what is the point in looking after a deranged serial killer. Some poeple are just too evil to look after.
Many people argue that the death penalty is unfair , and doesn't let criminals have another chance at life. The death penalty would only be used on criminals, who are unable to be rehabilitated. If one is able to snatch life so quickly, they must be aware of the consequences to come.
In conclusion, the death penalty should be reinstated in Australia, for the following reasons. Instead of having to house inmates and waste resources we can execute the ones who don't deserve to live. The death penalty would only be used on people who are so evil that they just don't deserve to live. If one is ready to snatch a life so quickly, they must be aware of the consequences.
Thanks for reading,
Hugo 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
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Story Prompt: "There are two kind of people on this world: those who try once and give up, and those who try and never give up."
It was a cold Christmas eve, my family had gone to Hawaii, and I was stuck here in a bar next to my best friend. It wasn't that busy inside of the bar, in-fact we were the only people there. The bar was poorly heated, with only a small fireplace which was supposed to provide heat for the whole place. This bar had been here since 1872, and it sure looked like it. The whole place was covered in dust, and the wooden floors were rotting. The walls were made out of bricks, which had been painted in a bright yellow.
The barman was an old, but kind man. With a beard reaching down to his chest. He was bald, and always wore the same clothes, a pair of black dress pants and a white button up shirt.
Right next to me was my best best friend, he had just been recently married; but from the sound of it, it wasn't going very well. He was the complete opposite from me. When we met at university he had already amassed a large amount of money, I was the typical broke university student, and I was still broke.
It was getting late, and the barman had to close the bar, so he called last drinks. By that period in time we were both drunk. My friend glanced at me, whilst sipping a large glass of whisky. "There are two types of people in this world: people who try and give up, and people who try, fail but never give up. Which one are you?" His piercing stare made me uncomfortable. "I just found out I have a incurable cancer," He started to tear up. " I want to to travel around the world with you, I want to try and encourage other to do their best, so that they can be happy and not make the same mistakes as me! Will you come?"
It was Christmas eve, my family, were away in Hawaii. I looked him straight in the eyes, thinking about what he said, and I nodded.
Thanks for reading!
Hugo 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
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School Holiday ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D!
Essay Topic: Australia should reinstate the death penalty.
The death penalty is a controversial topic in Australia. Many people disagree with the idea of killing somebody for their crimes. Is it really that bad of an idea? In Australia the maximum sentence one can get is life imprisonment. This form of punishment, is extremely wasteful to our resources, and makes people live out their days in a concrete box for the rest of their lives.
To sustain life a very expensive task. Especially when you are having to look after Australia's most dangerous criminals. So why do we do it? Why do we waste our resources on people who don't deserve to live? The death penalty would allow for Australia to spend less money on housing Australia's worst. Instead of looking after a psychopathic serial killer, we can spend that money on education, transport, the possibilities are limitless! You should probably look this up yourself, but I’ve heard many times that the death penalty life in prison is actually cheaper than life in prison the death penalty. If this is true, then it totally invalidates this entire argument.
The death penalty would only be used on people who deserved it, for example what is the point in looking after a deranged serial killer. Some poeple are just too evil to look after. This argument seems a bit weak because you simply state that the people who undergo the death penalty deserve it. In my opinion, you should try to emphasise the countless deaths which these people have caused. You haven’t really substantiated the idea that these people deserve it. Instead, I feel like you assume that by mentioning a deranged serial killer as an example, you’ll instantly prove that they’re deserving of the death oenalty. I personally feel like you should emphasise the pain and suffering they caused. The countless deaths and the families who mourn for the deceased victims. Playing at people’s sympathy can be really powerful in a persuasive.
Many people argue that the death penalty is unfair because it doesn't let criminals have another chance at life. The death penalty would only be used on criminals, who are unable to be rehabilitated. If one is able to snatch life so quickly, they must be aware of the consequences to come. What you’ve done is ok, but I think that you should stress that these people are heartless cold blooded killers who are incapable of remorse and rehabilitation. I think that depicting them as these atrocious human beings incapable of empathy will assist your argument.
In conclusion, the death penalty should be reinstated in Australia, for the following reasons. Instead of having to house inmates and waste resources we can execute the ones who don't deserve to live. The death penalty would only be used on people who are so evil that they just don't deserve to live. If one is ready to snatch a life so quickly, they must be aware of the consequences.
Thanks for reading,
Hugo 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
Overall it’s a decent essay with a few things that I think you can do to improve it. Keep up the good work :)
Edit: Screwed up the wording of some sentences which I changed
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Overall it’s a decent essay with a few things that I think you can do to improve it. Keep up the good work :)
Hi Zhen, I was for the death penalty in that essay. Also do you mind just marking my story as well?
Hugo
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Hi Zhen, I was for the death penalty in that essay. Also do you mind just marking my story as well?
Hugo
Whoops. I think I know where you’re confused with what I said. I meant life in prison is actually cheaper than the death penalty. I’ll mark your story later cause I just came back after getting my Ls.
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Story Prompt: "There are two kind of people on this world: those who try once and give up, and those who try and never give up."
It was a cold Christmas eve, my family had gone to Hawaii, and I was stuck here in a bar next to my best friend. It wasn't that busy inside of the bar, in-fact we were the only people there. The bar was poorly heated Maybe find a better description, cause poorly heated sounds a bit bland. It’s good that you’re trying to describe things but in my opinion be more specific and explicit in your descriptions , with only a small fireplace which was supposed to provide heat for the whole place. This bar had been here since 1872, and it sure looked like it. The whole place was covered in dust, and the wooden floors were rotting. The walls were made out of bricks, which had been painted in a bright yellow. Not sure but maybe choose a different colour. You present us with this cool and old environment which contrasts with the bright yellow bricks. I feel like a dull colour would set the atmosphere better maybe. Honestly this probably doesn’t matter at all, but just putting it out there.
After reading your entire thing, I feel like there’s an imbalance between the description and actual amount of story here. I feel like you should have been more concise in your descriptions of the bar. I feel like having too much description of something which isn’t as important may not add too much to your creative. Before it really helped to set the atmosphere, but in this creative I don’t think that the atmosphere is as important. Also, I think try to be a bit more eloquent in your expression. Like maybe say something like While small waves of heat emanated from the fireplace, I could still feel the cool air pressing against my skin. That’s a bit dodgy in my opinion, but I think you get the general idea.
The barman was an old, but kind man with a beard reaching down to his chest. He was bald, and always wore the same clothes, a pair of black dress pants and a white button up shirt.
Right next to me was my best best friend, he had just been recently married; but from the sound of it, it wasn't going very well. He was the complete opposite from me. When we met at university. While he had already amassed a large amount of money, I was the typical broke university student, and I was still broke.
It’s not a good sign when I’m not sure of what the plot is halfway through your piece. I think there is way too much setting the scene here and backstory going on and not enough real story. For your last creative it felt like things were progressing as you were following your life and what lead up to the loss of happiness. For this one, it feel like you’re setting the scene for something bigger to happen. But in my opinion, you spend too long doing this.
It was getting late, and the barman had to close the bar, so he called last drinks. By that period in time we were both drunk. My friend glanced at me, whilst sipping a large glass of whisky. "There are two types of people in this world: people who try and give up, and people who try, fail but never give up. Which one are you?" His piercing stare made me uncomfortable. "I just found out I have a incurable cancer," He started to tear up. " I want to to travel around the world with you, I want to try and encourage other to do their best, so that they can be happy and not make the same mistakes as me! Will you come?" This is all so sudden and abrupt. It feels like you’re forcing the plot along to finish your creative. Also, what mistakes did this friend make since it could be important in creating a message to the story.
I feel like you need to cut out the unnecessary details. I personally ignore everything that doesn’t matter. Like I personally wouldn’t mention that the barman had to close soon or that you were both drunk as I don’t think it adds to the plot. Yes I love having detailed descriptions but if it ends up hindering your plot development by this much then it’s not worth it. I feel like you need to find a balance between description and plot. Like in the previous creatives they were great at setting the scene, but right now it doesn’t feel like it adds much.
It was Christmas eve, my family, were away in Hawaii. I looked him straight in the eyes, thinking about what he said, and I nodded.
Thanks for reading!
Hugo 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
Honestly, I felt like this wasn’t your strongest piece of writing especially compared to your last piece. Hopefully it was just a bad day. I feel like the plot wasn’t great in my opinion. It felt like you tried to force the prompt. I think the friend is not giving up and that’s the focus of the story, but the way the plot is presented isn’t great in my opinion. I feel like you could have done a much better creative by writing from the point of view of a person suffering from an incurable disease. Maybe show them giving up at first and then show their evolution and determination to live life to the fullest. I feel like that’d make a better story. Anyway, keep trying hard and I’ll keep marking these essays. Feel free to ask any questions or if you spot me saying something weird and don’t understand. e.g. The last essay I marked where I was supposed to say life in prison is actually cheaper than the death penalty but I said the opposite
Edit: Looking through your other pieces, I feel like you constantly alternate between plot progression and description. Here it just feels like a chunk of description at the start. Again, descriptions are great, but you should aim to be more concise and brief with your descriptions.
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Stimulus: Imagine you have lost something precious, you have lost it and it has been returned to you.
On the very day I was given birth to, the great-grandmother wrote me a confidential letter that was only for me. At the age of five, she sadly passed away through unknown causes. I remember the air of melancholy that was surrounding our family at that time. The unanticipated death struck my heart, just to suffer this grief was already making me weep. The sentimental moments with my great-grandmother were unconditionally affectionate and I was longing that she would come back alive. The letter that she had wrote to me had always been laying on my old and antiquated bedside table.
That very day she died, I had problems sleeping. Maybe it was rain, or thunder, or maybe it could just be me. But there was one view that would be able to comfort me; a view of great-grandmother in the cloud above looking over us."
Next morning I woke up to find that my letter was missing. I screamed "AhhhHHhhHHhHhH, MUM, I'VE LOST MY LETTER!" I meticulously looked through the house for the letter, as it contained a precious message for me. In the end, I ran out of luck, just with dust in my hand.
A few years later, when I could read, I was laying on my newly-bought bed as a postman walked to our mailbox and placed a large white mail in it. I reluctantly got up to collect the mail as it was my job all the time. When I collected the mail and read the title, I was shocked. It was my name; "James" Eager, I ran back in to my bed and slowly ripped open the top. Suddenly, I smelt a nostalgic aroma that reminded him of his great-grandmother. I ripped open the entire parcel, discovering that it was great-grandmothers letter. I then started to read the letter as I teared up in joy. "Dear James, I am your great-grandmother and I .........."
What struck me the most is how the letter had gone mysteriously missing without a trace and who would've decided to send the letter back, even knowing it was mine.
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Medieval Comparative Essay - Recent 40 min essay. If you can bother correcting, I would appreciate it.
“Justice is the truth in action”, and its significance will not fade with time. However in modern Australia, justice is carried out differently to how it would of been in medieval England, hundreds of years ago. Crimes, trials and punishments have changed significantly from the view of humanity, however many miniature details still remain with us.
Crimes can exist in many forms, but many deeds that were considered ‘crimes’ in medieval England, are nothing abnormal now. In medieval England it was extremely easy to commit a crime. Lesser crimes included not working hard enough, gossiping, ‘witchcraft’, adultery (cheating), heresy, being drunk and petty theft. More grievous crimes constituted of murder, rape and high treason (Prezi 2014). Likewise, these crimes are still considered iniquitous today. On the contrary, most of the lesser crimes in medieval England currently aren’t regarded as felony, but are still despised. Nowadays, new types of crimes have also emerged due to the advancements in technology. The internet allows for cybercrimes such as attacking someone's computer with malware, online scams, illegal trades, phishing, cyber bullying or even accessing prohibited content. In a similar way, with the invention of the car, crimes like speeding and illegal parking came to existence. It is evident that most serious crimes existed both past and present, however minor offences have changed with the development of the human race.
Trials were the method used to decide if someone was innocent or guilty, and hasn’t changed much since the medieval period. In early medieval europe, trial by ordeal was the method used, but it soon evolved to become trial by jury, the method we use today. There were many forms of trial by ordeal, all of which relied on the decision of god, these include: trial by fire, trial by battle and trial by water. Today, many would question these approaches and deem them impractical. This led to the development of trial by jury, 50 years later it was written in the Magna Carta that everyone had the right to trial by jury. With this, trial by jury soon replaced trial by ordeal and became the preeminent trialing system. Contrary to trial by ordeal, trial by jury is completely based on the decision of the juries; the twelve common people who represent the local community. Juries are from diverse backgrounds and have no relation with the accused, so the result is more likely to be neutral. Trial by jury is also a innocent until proven guilty system, unlike trial by ordeal which is guilty until proven innocent. Though both trial by ordeal and trial by jury were created in the medieval period. It is palpable that trial by jury, which relies on human knowledge, is principally different to trial by ordeal which relied on the decision of god.
A guilty person is bound to be punished, but the punishments that existed in medieval england greatly differ from the punishments of present day Australia. In early medieval times, punishments were very common, because of the unfair luck-based trial system used. A variety of methods were used to discipline the offender, they comprise of fines, shaming (being placed in stocks), mutilation or death. Mutilation and death were by far the worst possible punishments, mutilation could involve castration or binding. Many aspects have to be taken into consideration before capital punishments to decide how someone will die, nobel's will be beheaded whereas peasants would be lynched. However most of these practices are very immoral so Australia has abrogated them and replaced them with imprisonment. Nonetheless, fines still exist as they are feasible and effective. Despite the fact that many medieval punishments have been abandoned due to ethical and moral issues, fines are still a proficient way of disciplining felons.
It is quite clear that there has been a recognizable change in crimes, trials and punishments since medieval Europe. There has been a constant change in what is considered a crime, and our constantly evolving technology has also created new methods of committing crime. Furthermore, trials changed drastically in the medieval period, but has yet to change since then. Finally, many punishments have been deserted because they were considered inhumane.
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Waddup,
Wrote 3 pieces yesterday...
Essay #1
Stimulus: Security cameras are a breach of privacy, so we should ban them.
Technology has impacted the world greatly. It has improved every state of our lives including security. Surveillance cameras are a device that records a specific area/ This particular device has made a massive impact in reducing crime. It allows for people to have hard evidence. They also encourage criminals to commit less crimes, as it gets risker. So why should we ban security cameras?
For decades police men have been trying to solve crimes through piecing together evidence. Why would they have to do that when they have video evidence of a particular person committing a particular crimes? Surveillance cameras allow for police to sole a lot more petty crimes, this gives the police more time to focus on more important matters.
Security cameras also create more risks for criminals. Criminals, now have to plan their specific crime, which involves trying to avoid security cameras. Security cameras add a extra barrier of safety to the public. They make it harder to commit a crime. There fore pressuring criminals to fund a new way to find money.
Many people argue that security cameras breach their privacy. To a certain extent this is true, but you are also agreeing to yourself being filmed. Security camera out into private properties, such as shopping centers or gas stations. Do by entering a specific place you are agreeing to be filmed through surveillance cameras. Security cameras ensure security, and are used to enforce it.
In conclusion, security cameras should not be banned for the following reasons. They allow police to access evidence easily and quickly, allowing for the police force to take part in more important matters. Security cameras also pressure criminals to not take part in crime, because it is much harder to successfully commit a crime. Although security cameras film us; they are used to film disorderly behavior. Security cameras ensure security, not breach it.
Thanks for reading!!
Hugo :)
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Story #1
Prompt: Life is so different to when I was a kid.
Lie is so different to when I was a kid. As an adult I have to take on a lot more responsibilities, but as a kid I would be able to run around to my heart's contempt, free from the heathens of responsibilities. I could feel wind brushing past my face and I could see trees swaying from side to side. Now as an adult the wind brushing against my face is riddled with pollution; and the trees are no more, instead sky scrappers replace the trees. They reach to the heavens, whilst standing strong and tall.
Ever since I was young I had loved nature. When I was five I distinctly remember my parents and I riding our bikes to school. Everything changes so quickly. In 10 years, both my parents had dies and I was sent to an orphanage.In this orphanage, I was told to live and contribute for a group, to always think for a group. I was never told how to be different, never to be singular or different. It was ironic that the older I got the more I strayed away from what the government tell us what to do.
I live in a country where everybody is supposedly equal. Ironically all our land had been sold to large corporations and the gap between the poor and rich was widening. My country's iron like mind set started to have a great impact on my people. When people were subject to a mall change a large outrage would plague our country for years.
Now, with such a big change to our climate, my people are likening to a ticking time bomb, every second that passes the more hysterical they get. In every other country, people are dying. Animals and plants are unable to properly sustain themselves.
I remember my childhood distinctly, the warnings that we were given. We could of made a change. We could of let our thriving land, flourish for many years to come. Now it is too late; I now live in constant fear. All I can do is prepare for the worst. No longer do children play in large green fields. People haven't seen grass in decades. We now have to simulate the simple pleasures in life. Life is so different to when I was a kid.
Thanks for reading!!
Hugo :)
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Stimulus: Imagine you have lost something precious, you have lost it and it has been returned to you.
On the very day I was given birth to, the my great-grandmother wrote me a confidential letter that was only for me. At the age of five, she sadly passed away through unknown causes. I remember the air of melancholy that was surrounding our family at that time. The unanticipated death struck my heart, just to suffer this grief was already making me weep. Expression isn’t great here The sentimental moments with my great-grandmother were unconditionally affectionate and I was longing that she would come back alive. Sounds awkward and I think that it’s grammatically incorrect. Maybe say I was longing for her to come back to life. The letter that she had wrote to me had always been laying on my old and antiquated bedside table. I like that you’re trying to improve your expression and description, but I feel like it feels forced and unnatural. Personally just off the top of my head I’d say something like this: Streams of tears flowed down my face as my entire being was thrust into an ocean of despair. I stood entirely frozen, unable to accept that my dear grandmother just died. Honestly, not that good but I think it describes the character’s emotions much better
The very day she died, I had problems sleeping. Maybe it was rain, or thunder, or maybe it could just be me. But there was one view that would be able to comfort me; a view of great-grandmother in the cloud above looking over us." I’m not sure where you’re going with this. It doesn’t seem useful to the plot. Honestly, this entire paragraph seems to just repeat the idea that you felt sad after her death which would have better integrated with the previous paragraph in my opinion.
Next morning I woke up to find that my letter was missing. I screamed "AhhhHHhhHHhHhH, MUM, I'VE LOST MY LETTER!" I meticulously looked through the house for the letter, as it contained a precious message for me. In the end, I ran out of luck, just with dust in my hand. The bit about the dust on your hand seems a bit jarring and seems added on at the end of that sentence. Also saying that you weren’t abl to find the letter is much clearer than saying you ran out of luck in my opinion.
A few years later, when I could read, I was laying on my newly-bought bed as a postman walked to our mailbox and placed a large white mail in it. I reluctantly got up to collect the mail as it was my job all the time. When I collected repetition the mail and read the title, I was shocked. It was my name; "James" Eager, I ran back in to my bed and slowly ripped open the top. Suddenly, I smelt a nostalgic aroma that reminded him of his Use first person cause that’s what you’ve been using the entire time great-grandmother. I ripped open the entire parcel, discovering that it was great-grandmothers letter. I then started to read the letter as I teared up in joy. "Dear James, I am your great-grandmother and I .........."
What struck me the most is how the letter had gone mysteriously missing without a trace and who would've decided to send the letter back, even knowing it was mine.
The plot is quite good honestly and was executed decently. However, I feel like your descriptions could definitely be better. I feel like you’re trying to make up for it by saying stuff like “I meticulously looked through the house”, but adding the word meticulously doesn’t really help much to make it better expressed or more detailed.
Waddup,
Wrote 3 pieces yesterday...
Essay #1
Stimulus: Security cameras are a breach of privacy, so we should ban them.
Technology has impacted the world greatly. It has improved every state of our lives including security. Surveillance cameras are a device that records a specific area. This particular device has made a massive impact in reducing crime. It allows for people to have hard evidence. This sentence seems very jarring cause there is no transition between sentences. Maybe say something like it also provides the police with evidence for potential crimes. They also encourage criminals to commit less crimes, as it gets risker. So why should we ban security cameras?
For decades police men have been trying to solve crimes through piecing together evidence. Why would they have to do that when they have video evidence of a particular person committing a particular crimes? Surveillance cameras allow for police to sole a lot more petty crimes, this gives the police more time to focus on more important matters. Just a suggestion, but instead of playing down the significance of these crimes, maybe emphasise them. Like say how these crimes are unjust and these criminals need to be caught, thus emphasising the benefits of security cameras.
Security cameras also create more risks for criminals. Criminals, now have to plan their specific crime, which involves trying to avoid security cameras. Security cameras add a extra barrier of safety to the public. They make it harder to commit a crime, therefore pressuring criminals to fund a new way to find money. Maybe emphasise the countless crimes prevented by security cameras and how it protects the public, which you’ve touched on briefly. It doesn’t feel persuasive enough as it is in my opinion. You need to show us how great security cameras are which you haven’t really done successfully in my opinion.
Many people argue that security cameras breach their privacy. To a certain extent this is true, but you are also agreeing to yourself being filmed. Security camera out into private properties Expression here isn’t the best, such as shopping centers or gas stations. What about public areas like train stations? Do by entering a specific place you are agreeing to be filmed through surveillance cameras. Security cameras ensure security, and are used to enforce it. I’d usually say that it’s bad to acknowledge that the opposition has a case, but I like your argument. I just didn’t think you expressed yourself well.
In conclusion, security cameras should not be banned for the following reasons. They allow police to access evidence easily and quickly, allowing for the police force to take part in more important matters. Security cameras also pressure criminals to not take part in crime, because it is much harder to successfully commit a crime. Although security cameras film us; they are used to film disorderly behavior. Security cameras ensure security, not breach it.
Thanks for reading!!
Hugo :)
I’m ok with the arguments presented honestly, but I think that you haven’t developed your arguments enough. Also, your expression and flow probably need a bit of work too.
Story #1
Prompt: Life is so different to when I was a kid.
Lie is so different to when I was a kid. As an adult I have to take on a lot more responsibilities, but as a kid I would be able to run around to my heart's contempt, free from the heathens think you misused this word of responsibilities. I could feel wind brushing past my face and I could see trees swaying from side to side. Now as an adult the wind brushing against my face is riddled with pollution; and the trees are no more, instead sky scrappers replace the trees. They reach to the heavens, whilst standing strong and tall.
Ever since I was young I had loved nature. You need to elaborate upon this idea. What did you love about nature. You move onto the next idea, which leaves this feeling incomplete. When I was five I distinctly remember my parents and I riding our bikes to school. What is the significance of this? Did you feel happy here and slowly you changed to a more bitter person after your parent’s deaths? If so, then mention it. Everything changes so quickly. In 10 years, both my parents had dies and I was sent to an orphanage. In this orphanage, I was told to live and contribute for a group, to always think for a group. I was never told how to be different, never to be singular or different. It was ironic that the older I got the more I strayed away from what the government tell us what to do.
I live in a country where everybody is supposedly equal. Ironically all our land had been sold to large corporations and the gap between the poor and rich was widening. My country's iron like mind set started to have a great impact on my people. When people were subject to a mall change a large outrage would plague our country for years. I’m unsure how this fits into the whole creative. Like how does this show a difference between your childhood and adult perception of life? It’s not clear if the past was better in this aspect of life.
Now, with such a big change to our climate, my people are likening to a ticking time bomb Expression here is just weird , every second that passes the more hysterical they get. In every other country, people are dying. Animals and plants are unable to properly sustain themselves.
I remember my childhood distinctly, the warnings that we were given. We could of it’s could’ve not could of made a change. We could of let our thriving land, flourish for many years to come. Now it is too late; I now live in constant fear. All I can do is prepare for the worst. No longer do children play in large green fields. People haven't seen grass in decades. We now have to simulate the simple pleasures in life. Life is so different to when I was a kid.
Thanks for reading!!
Hugo :)
Ok, so I did not like this creative at all. The whole creative was jumping around between the past and the present and comparing them. Doing this meant that the creative wasn’t structured well and was all over the place. If I had to write a creative on this topic, I would write about how life as a kid was carefree and happy. Then I would transition to the parents’ deaths and show how life became miserable and how as an adult you face more responsibilities and realise that the world is in fact quite a bitter place and not the wonderland that some kids perceive the world to be.
It’s great that you guys are writing essays over the holidays. Keep working hard. ;D Also, Jack_Zhou, I’ll probably correct your essay later, but next time probably don’t post here cause it’s for selective school essays.
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Hi Zhen,
Are you free to mark some of my essays? And how do I improve my vocabulary and reading comprehension skills for Selective? I'm in urgent need of what to do so can you help??
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The plot is quite good honestly and was executed decently. However, I feel like your descriptions could definitely be better. I feel like you’re trying to make up for it by saying stuff like “I meticulously looked through the house”, but adding the word meticulously doesn’t really help much to make it better expressed or more detailed.
I’m ok with the arguments presented honestly, but I think that you haven’t developed your arguments enough. Also, your expression and flow probably need a bit of work too.
Ok, so I did not like this creative at all. The whole creative was jumping around between the past and the present and comparing them. Doing this meant that the creative wasn’t structured well and was all over the place. If I had to write a creative on this topic, I would write about how life as a kid was carefree and happy. Then I would transition to the parents’ deaths and show how life became miserable and how as an adult you face more responsibilities and realise that the world is in fact quite a bitter place and not the wonderland that some kids perceive the world to be.
It’s great that you guys are writing essays over the holidays. Keep working hard. ;D Also, Jack_Zhou, I’ll probably correct your essay later, but next time probably don’t post here cause it’s for selective school essays.
Hi Zhen,
Thanks for marking my essay. I do agree with you that I need to flesh out my ideas more... But how could I do that? Also, thanks for all the tips, could you also just give me some general info on how to structure, plan and write a good story.
P.S. Trying to write 3-4 stories/essays a day
Hugo
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Hi Zhen,
Are you free to mark some of my essays? And how do I improve my vocabulary and reading comprehension skills for Selective? I'm in urgent need of what to do so can you help??
I’ll mark essays for everyone, but I probably won’t be able to mark any after the holidays, cause I’ll be busy with my own university stuff. For vocabulary and reading comprehension, generally reading more and looking up words you don’t know will improve these areas.
Hi Zhen,
Thanks for marking my essay. I do agree with you that I need to flesh out my ideas more... But how could I do that? Also, thanks for all the tips, could you also just give me some general info on how to structure, plan and write a good story.
P.S. Trying to write 3-4 stories/essays a day
Hugo
There are two ways to flesh out your ideas more. One way is literally to write more out which will naturally force you to explore your ideas more. The other way is to make your writing more concise. Never use more words than necessary. This way you can explore more ideas without writing more. Always ask yourself why is this advantage so good or why should we think that this argument is good?
For creatives, you need a beggining, a middle and an end. Generally you want an overall plot and a build up to a climax and eventually a conclusion. Basically what was wrong with that essay in my opinion was that there was no underlying plot. It was a story about an adult comparing his life from his childhood until now. Also, the structure was off because of the frequent shifts between his adult self thinking about the present and about his childhood. Instead, I feel like you should just take a chronological approach, meaning that you track his life as he grows older. This approach is less clunky. I think that you should just structure your creatives as simply as possible. Doing complex structures are too difficult in the time constraint, so usually chronological is the way to go.
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Story #1
Prompt: "I was at the point of no return."
I hadn't had a very good childhood. My parents were barely at home; and when they were it was usally to have aquick rest, so they could go back to work.
I lived in a large and grand castle in the country side. My parents had amassed a large wealth in the development of chemicals. Due to my parents constant absence I was looked after the staff they had hired.
There were 18 staff members, to cater for all my needs. There were five kitchen staff, five gardeners, five butlers, a door man, a personal butler and a nanny.
My personal butler and nanny served as my parents. They had taught me everything. Although they could only teach me so much. My butler was a tall and skinny man, who was always clean shave with a bed of hair that resembles the colour of dark chocolate. Whilst my nanny was a young , short and stubby woman. She was extremely strict but was gentle. They both wanted the best fir me; and worked tirelessly to my every need.
At the age of 12 mt parents decided to me to boarding school. I attended the best school in the whole of England, a school where I could converse with my fellow elitist peers. Of course, the school was nice, but I had missed my home. This would soon be the least of my concerns.
I fell in with a bad crowd. I was at first reluctant to take part in their ways, but with the news of the resignation of my butler and nanny I had nothing to lose. These kids exposed me to a lot of things. One of them being heroin. I once heard a saying that drugs were above high class society, it was obviously wrong.
As I hung out with these kids my introduction to heroin, became an addiction. I was plunging into the deep dark hole of addiction and I was at the point of no return. My life started to spiral out of control, every opportunity I was offered were dropping like birds. I had lost everything. couldn't get out of this situation. SO that is why I'm writing ti you, I have got nothing going for me, that is why I'm going to end it all. To stop the constant, sharp pain that is life.\
Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) (This one is really dark) :P
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Essay #1
Stimulus: Should religious organisations be taxed?
Religion takes place in nearly everybody's life. Yet, with the losing influence of the church and other organisations, if begs the question: what are they using all the money they have accumulated in the past for? Religious organisations are incredibly wealthy, but don't pay any tax. So why don't they have to pay tax? If we were to tax them them the Australian government can use the money for all members of society. By not taxing religious institutions we show that the Australian government has an inconsistent point of view. If we don't tax religious organisations, we shouldn't tax anybody.
Religious organisations are incredibly wealthy. Some religions are wealthy enough to be self sufficient, and run their own country. So why should they be exempt form tax? With religious organisation being exempt tax, they are able to selectively help people. Whilst if they are made to pay tax, the government can spend that money on aiding the whole of Australia, regardless of their beliefs.
By us not taxing some organisations over others. We giving the idea that we are unfair. That we prioritize some organisations over others. We are living in an age where everybody is fighting for equality, so why should we give off the image that we prioritize others? We (the Australian people) are moving backwards, we are presenting to companies that we treat different organisations unequally.
Many people believe, that because religious organisations have been exempt from tax that we should keep it that way. Recently, we have seen some countries move from this mindset. For instance, Ireland, an extremely conservative country; has started to tax the church. We wouldn't be taxing religious organisations too greatly, we would only be taxing them enough to cater for all of our citizens. Religious organisations earn a lot of money, so why would it be bad, to use that money for everybody?
In conclusion, religious organisations should be taxed for the following reasons: they are extremely wealthy organisations that are using money exclusively for their followers. Instead we could be using that money for the public. We are also giving companies a bad idea, that we are biased. Although religious organisation haven't been taxed ever, that should not ploy our path to becoming a more equal society.
Thanks for reading,
Hugo
P.S. Gonna post the rest of my essays/ stories tomorrow. Also I want to find a different way to ask rhetorical questions, could somebody give me some advice? How to reword them/ alternatives. As always please give me some tips/ advice to improving my writing: eg different arguments, different wording etc. 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
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Prompt: "I was at the point of no return."
(same topics and Hugo)
After my parents abruptly had an ugly divorce when I was fourteen years old, it left me in an ocean of despair. I had no choice but to be put in boarding school. Understanding such unprecedented act that hadn't of been witnessed in our house before was highly unbelievable. I had a great and jovial childhood, of which one could imagined of; both domestic and international trips, theme parks and movie nights. These memorable moments when my parents unconditionally loved me deeply evoked nostalgia in me. The only reply I gave to it was a stream of tears.
When I finished my final year in high school, neither of my parents came to my graduation. I had finally realised the inimical but honest truth, neither of them cared about me anymore. I started to feel desolated and that no one had ever cared for me.. It felt like the neurotic epidemic had took my life over. But what shook me the most is how hostile and childlike my parents ended their situations.
I am by myself now, in university. A few days later, I had received a text message from my mother. I felt disinterested but continued to read.
"Dear James, I am so sorry for what both your father and I have done to you. We are back together and we...." Just as I read that sentence, I closed the phone. "I was at the point of no return."
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Waddup,
Essay #2
Stimulus: Should the drinking age be lowered from 18 to a younger age?
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Alcohol has been a big part of our culture for hundreds of years. For instance, in the medieval times it was used because it was one of the only safe forms of liquid to drink. Through the ages the drinking age was gradually raised. So with the current law on alcohol, should we lower the drinking age?
Recently a lot of evidence has been contributing to this particular debate. A lot of research shows that alcohol is harmful to the development of the brain, and should only start to be consumed when a person turns 21. With the current data shown through this research; we shouldn't lower the drinking age, we should make it higher. It is clear through scientific research, that alcohol is detrimental to a child's development.
With the lowering age of for drinking, the government may also signify that they are becoming more lenient. This sort of mindset that the children develop will lead to them trying other harmful substances. We should not be giving children the idea that is is okay ti consume harmful substances. Before this time it was common to see children drink alcohol, due to the fact that there wasn't a suitable form of clean liquid. We live in an age where we have access to clean water. Thus, rendering the point of alcohol consumption for minors.
Besides, it is basic human instinct... Anything a human cannot get only fuels the craving for it. Instead of teaching kids of how they should not consume alcohol, we should find an alternative. By not fueling the so called "need" for alcohol that so many children crave, we are indirectly dismiss their need for alcohol.
In conclusion, Australia should not lower the drinking age, we should raise it. Due to the following reasons: numerous studies show the harmful effects of alcohol consumption; it also encourages kids that they are allowed to take other harmful substances, even though parents want the complete opposite.
Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) :) :)
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Waddup,
Story #2
Prompt: "It totally destroyed me."
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The war brought the worst in us. Everybody was fighting to be the best. All I could remember was the day before the war ended.
I was an army officer, sent to France. I was sent there to hep defend a small region in the countryside, I could just remember the horrid conditions. We had to build trenches to avoid enemy fire. Long rotten wooden planks lined the walls. The floor was just dirt, but die to the constant raining we would be constantly walking on mud. The floor was riddled with cockroaches . Every room you would enter would be infested with rats.
Our morale was detrimentally low and we all wanted to go back home. I can remember the vents leading to the end of the war. The Germans still had the upper hand where we were. We just heard that they were planning a surprise attack.
My whole battalion were suiting up for battle were suiting up for battle, but it was too late. The Germans had already started to attack our base. I recall all the brave men next to me being shot off like flies. One by one the Germans were slaughtering each of my men. It totally destroyed me, all these men had families. I couldn't get the point of all this murder.
The remainder of us were taken prisoner. I was angry, but most of all, I was confused. We were fighting for nothing. I would soon join so many of my men in the heavens.
The Germans treated horrifically. I could only imagine what they would do if the was went on for longer. After hours of being taken prisoner, a rumor started to spread. All of my remaining men were too frighted to ask our custodians. We waited patiently in the dark and small room, the Germans called a jail cell. The conditions were inhumane. They were worse than our very own trenches. The Germans managed to store us all into the cell, one of my men had rats nibbling at his rotten flesh.
After a while, a big commotion was coming towards our cell. A bright light was escaping from the room next door. It was the captain of the German army, he told us that the war had ended, we were freed.
Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) :)
-
Waddup,
Prompt: 'family is everything'
Story #2
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As a kid I wasn't that close to my family. Our family barely afford anything. We lived in the worst part of town. A place so bad it looked like it was from a movie.
My parents were barely home. Mum was away at night, but was at home during the day, and my Dad was an addict that constantly came in and out of rehab. My Mother was a kind hearted woman, but due to the fact that I didn't really see her that often I didn't really develop a strong relationship with her. My Dad on the other hand was a mean spirited gimp. He was constantly bullying my mother, and when he wasn't bullying her he was stealing from her purse. Luckily, my Dad wasn't at home very often.
Once, I started to grow up I followed my father's foot steps. Constantly trying to fnd a way to get a quick fix. Drugs were something that made me happy, they were a form of ecapism for me. This addiction started to overcome me. Very soon after consuming this drug I was unable to feel the same effect. So I took more; and more; and more; until I overdosed.
My Mother could barely afford to look after me. Let alone fund my hospital bill. I was in trouble. I couldn't afford the care I was being given. It was very likley that I would be put off life support.
I can distinctly remember being in a all white hospital room, the constant screeching from other patients slowly made me go crazy. Suddenly, it all stopped, everything. I was no longer in a hospital room. I was some where else. Some where dark. The whole place was pitch black. I then started to stroll around. I could see my mother and father. My mother was working and putting all her earnings into a jar. On it, it read: "hospital fund". My dad was also working to put this money into the jar. He was all cleaned up, he was cleanly shaven and wore reasonable looking clothes.
They had both go their act together. I had woken up. I was back in the hospital room. Weirdly, the screeching from the other patients made me feel comfortable. My family did everything for me, they worked out their differences for me, family is everything to me
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Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) :)
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Waddup,
Essay #1 (from yesterday)
Stimulus: School uniforms should be banned from all schools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Australia nearly every school makes their students wear a school uniform. School uniforms are put into place so that they can make everybody equal, which will not lead to students competing for who has the best outfit. If school uniforms are working for the schools and students why should we ban them?
School uniforms are put into place so that students don't have to be worried about spending a lot of money on clothes. Granted, some school uniforms are expensive, but a child has to wear them everyday. Unlike normal clothes which would have to be changed every day. School uniforms allows kids who normally cannot spend a lot of money on normal clothes, to be free from oppression that would be brought onto them by other children.
If school uniforms were banned it would start a competition between student, about who has the best clothes. Children do not go to school to compete with others about who has the best clothing. Students would become distracted form the real task at hand, which is their education.
When this debate comes to play many students argue that school uniforms breach their individuality. To a certain extent, this is true. School uniforms are put into place so that everybody looks the same. School is a place of education; not how well a student can dress. By not having school uniforms, students would only have another layer of distraction added onto their day.
In conclusion, school uniforms should not be banned for the following reasons: they make everybody equal. Giving kids of all socio-economic backgrounds to co-exist. With school uniforms put into place, there is no competition. Kids won't have to compete against each other for who has the most expensive outfit, or who has the best outfit. Despite many children arguing that school uniform goes against their individuality; there is a time and a place for that, and school is neither of those things.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading,
Hugo :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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Zhen asked me to help alleviate his workload so I'll provide feedback for a few of these
Story #1
Prompt: "I was at the point of no return."
I hadn't had a very good childhood. My parents were barely at home; and when they were it was usally to have aquick rest, so they could go back to work.
I lived in a large and grand castle in the country side. My parents had amassed a large wealth in the development of chemicals. Due to my parents constant absence I was looked after the staff they had hired.
There were 18 staff members, to cater for all my needs. There were five kitchen staff, five gardeners, five butlers, a door man, a personal butler and a nanny.
My personal butler and nanny served as my parents. They had taught me everything. Although they could only teach me so much. My butler was a tall and skinny man, who was always clean shave with a bed of hair that resembles the colour of dark chocolate. Whilst my nanny was a young , short and stubby woman. She was extremely strict but was gentle. They both wanted the best fir me; and worked tirelessly to my every need.
At the age of 12 mt parents decided to me to boarding school. I attended the best school in the whole of England, a school where I could converse with my fellow elitist peers. Of course, the school was nice, but I had missed my home. This would soon be the least of my concerns.
I fell in with a bad crowd. I was at first reluctant to take part in their ways, but with the news of the resignation of my butler and nanny I had nothing to lose. These kids exposed me to a lot of things. One of them being heroin. I once heard a saying that drugs were above high class society, it was obviously wrong.
I feel that this entire start bit is pretty unnecessary as it doesn't really advance your story/character that much. I would really try to avoid exposition/backstory for your character as it often becomes needlessly included. The examiner should be placed straight into the crux of the story rather than having to traverse through a load of filler. Your somewhat dark approach to the prompt was fine, but you could have focused more on the "point of no return" and detailed the way in which his addiction has affected him, or even describing its severity.
As I hung out with these kids my introduction to heroin, became an addiction. I was plunging into the deep dark hole of addiction and I was at the point of no return. My life started to spiral out of control, every opportunity I was offered dropped like birds. I had lost everything. I couldn't get out of this situation. SO that is why I'm writing to you, I have got nothing going for me, that is why I'm going to end it all. To stop the constant, sharp very nitpicky but I wouldn't really describe life as a sharp painpain that is life.
This is more the kind of stuff you should be focusing on. The fact that the protagonist is privileged only needs to be mentioned once and the amount of detail you went into was unnecessary
Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) (This one is really dark) :P
Essay #1
Stimulus: Should religious organisations be taxed?
Religion takes place in nearly everybody's life. Yet, with the losing influence of the church and other organisations, it begs the question: what are they using all the money they have accumulated in the past for? Religious organisations are incredibly wealthy, but don't pay any tax. So why don't they have to pay tax? If we were to tax them then the Australian government can use the money for all members of society. By not taxing religious institutions we show that the Australian government has an inconsistent point of view maybe word it differently suggesting that the government is being hypocritical and that its unjust. If we don't tax religious organisations, we shouldn't tax anybody.
Religious organisations are incredibly wealthyrepetition, try to rephrase it slightly differently. Also I would say with topic sentences try not to make it super obvious that you're just listing arguments. The sentence here is very short and it interrupts the flow of reading. Some religions are wealthy enough to be self sufficient, and run their own country. So why should they be exempt fromtax? With religious organisation being exempt tax, they are able to selectively help people. Whilst if they are made to pay tax, the government can spend that money on aiding the whole of Australia, regardless of their beliefs. Try to emphasize that taxation of religious institutions benefits the country as a whole as opposed to advancing the status of selfish individuals.
By us not taxing some organisations over others. We giving the idea that we are unfair needs rephrasing. That don't start a sentence with that we prioritize some organisations over others. We are living in an age where everybody is fighting for equality, so why should we give off the imageI'm seeing a tendency to use similar phrases such as present and give off that we prioritize others? We (the Australian people) are moving backwards, we are showing companieswhich companies? I don't really understand this that we treat different organisations unequally.
Many people believe, that because religious organisations have been exempt from tax that we should keep it that way. Recently, we have seen some countries move from this mindset. Maybe you should try to argue how absurd this mindset is and how its very close minded For instance, Ireland, an extremely conservative country; has started to tax the church. We wouldn't be taxing religious organisations too greatly, we would only be taxing them enough to cater for all of our citizens. Religious organisations earn a lot of money, so why would it be bad, to use that money for everybody? You've repeated this in your previous paragraphs
In conclusion, religious organisations should be taxed for the following reasons: they are extremely wealthy organisations that are using money exclusively for their followers. Instead we could be using that money for the public. We are also giving companies a bad idea, that we are biased. Maybe phrase this like: The government is ignoring justice and encouraging inequality Although religious organisation haven't been taxed ever, that should not ploy our path to becoming a more equal society.
Thanks for reading,
Hugo
P.S. Gonna post the rest of my essays/ stories tomorrow. Also I want to find a different way to ask rhetorical questions, could somebody give me some advice? How to reword them/ alternatives. As always please give me some tips/ advice to improving my writing: eg different arguments, different wording etc. 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
Prompt: "I was at the point of no return."
(same topics and Hugo)
After my parents abruptly had an abrupt divorce when I was fourteen years old, it left me in an ocean of despair. I had no choice but to be put in boarding school. Understanding such anunprecedented act that had not been witnessed in our house before was difficult. I had a great and jovial childhood seems like a strange description of someone's childhood. Sometimes its good to just keep it simpleof which one could imagined of; both domestic and international trips, theme parks and movie nights. These memorable moments when my parents unconditionally loved me unconditionallydeeply evoked a deep sense of nostalgia in me. The only replymaybe the word acknowledgement here I gave to it was a stream of tears.
When I finished my final year in high school, neither of my parents came to my graduation. I had finally realised the inimical but honest truth, neither of them cared about me anymore. I started to feel desolated and unloved.. It felt like the neurotic epidemicinteresting description but I don't think it makes much sense had taken overmy life over. But what shook me the most washow hostile and childlike my parents ended their situations.arguments/confrontations/affairs
I am by myself now, in university. A few days later, I had received a text message from my mother. I felt disinterested but continued to read.
"Dear James, I am so sorry for what both your father and I have done to you. We are back together and we...." Just as I read that sentence, I closed the phone. "I was at the point of no return." nice ending
Overall a decent creative piece. You probably could have gone a bit deeper into the relationship between the protagonist and their parents as this piece was on the short side.
Waddup,
Essay #2
Stimulus: Should the drinking age be lowered from 18 to a younger age?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcohol has been a big part of our culture for hundreds of years. For instance, in the medieval times it was used because it was one of the only safe forms of liquid to drink. Through the ages the drinking age has gradually risen. So with the current law on alcohol, should we lower the drinking age?
Recently a lot of evidence has been contributing to this particular debate. A lot of research shows that alcohol is harmful to the development of the brain, and should only start to be consumed when a person turns 21. With the current data shown through this research; we shouldn't lower the drinking age, we should make it higher. It is clear through scientific research, that alcohol is detrimental to a child's development. Emphasise the permanent and irreversible damage that alcohol can have on individuals. Pretend like you're trying to convince an ordinary person why the legal age should be raised. You should appeal to their emotions!
With the lower drinking age, the government may also signify that they are becoming more lenient. This sort of mindset that the children develop will lead to them trying other harmful substances. We should not be giving children the idea that is is okay ti consume harmful substances. Before this time it was common to see children drink alcohol, due to the fact that there wasn't a suitable form of clean liquid. We live in an age where we have access to clean water. Thus, rendering the point of alcohol consumption for minors.Not really a strong argument here. Maybe you could have emphasised more that a drinking culture encourages drug fuelled/irresponsible behaviour from young adults
Besides, it is basic human instinct... Anything a human cannot get only fuels the craving for it. Instead of teaching kids of how they should not consume alcohol, we should find an alternative. By not fueling the so called "need" for alcohol that so many children crave, we are indirectly dismiss their need for alcohol. I don't really follow what's going on here, are you saying that the desire to consume alcohol is innate? If so I'm not too sure how this advances your argument. Maybe I'm not looking at this properly so please clarify
In conclusion, Australia should not lower the drinking age, we should raise it. Due to the following reasons: numerous studies show the harmful effects of alcohol consumption; it also encourages kids that they are allowed to take other harmful substances, even though parents want the complete opposite.
Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) :) :)
You should try to aim for some stronger arguments with more persuasive techniques. You could have mentioned alcohol related deaths, the lack of responsibility/maturity for teenagers which puts them at major risk for binge drinking etc.
Waddup,
Story #2
Prompt: "It totally destroyed me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The war brought the worst in us. Everybody was fighting to be the best. All I could remember was the day before the war ended.
I was an army officer, sent to France. I was sent there to help defend a small region in the countryside. I could just remember the horrid conditions. We had to build trenches to avoid enemy fire. Long rotten wooden planks lined the walls. The floor was just dirt, but due to the constant raining we would be constantly walking on mud. The floor was riddled with cockroaches . Every room you would enter would be infested with rats. Its good that you've described the atmosphere of the warzone in good detail. Now take it a step further. Instead of saying the floor was riddled with cockroaches maybe you cold say that the footsteps crunched against the backs of the insects which riddled the trench
Our morale was detrimentally low and we all wanted to go back home. I can remember the vents leading to the end of the war. The Germans still had the upper hand where we were. We just heard that they were planning a surprise attack.
My whole battalion were suiting up for battle were suiting up for battle, but it was too late. The Germans had already started to attack our base. I recall all the brave men next to me being shot off like flies. One by one the Germans were slaughtering each of my men. It totally destroyed me, all these men had families. I couldn't get the point of all this murder.
The remainder of us were taken prisoner. I was angry, but most of all, I was confused. We were fighting for nothing. I would soon join so many of my men in the heavens.
The Germans treated us horrifically. I could only imagine what they would do if the was went on for longer. After hours of being taken prisoner, a rumour started to spread. All of my remaining men were too frightened to ask our custodians. We waited patiently in the dark and small room the Germans called a jail cell. The conditions were inhumane.Explain to me why they were inhumane,
dont just tell me They were worse than our very own trenches. The Germans managed to store us all into the cell good chance for a metaphor, one of my men had rats nibbling at his rotten flesh.
After a while, a big commotion was coming towards our cell. A bright light was escaping from the room next door. It was the captain of the German army, he told us that the war had ended. We were freed.
Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) :)
Overall a decent creative piece, but could have been made even better with some more vivid descriptions
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Zhen asked me to help alleviate his workload so I'll provide feedback for a few of theseOverall a decent creative piece. You probably could have gone a bit deeper into the relationship between the protagonist and their parents as this piece was on the short side.
You should try to aim for some stronger arguments with more persuasive techniques. You could have mentioned alcohol related deaths, the lack of responsibility/maturity for teenagers which puts them at major risk for binge drinking etc.
Overall a decent creative piece, but could have been made even better with some more vivid descriptions
Wow, thanks for all of that... I got an essay and a story coming up!
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Waddup,
Prompt: 'family is everything'
Story #2
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As a kid I wasn't that close to my family. Our family could barely afford anything. We lived in the worst part of town. A place so bad I would avoid using the word bad. It’s not the best word to use it looked like it was from a movie.
My parents were barely home. Mum was away at night, but was at home during the day, and my Dad was an addict that constantly came in and out of rehab. My Mother was a kind hearted woman, but due to the fact that I didn't really see her that often I didn't really develop a strong relationship with her. My Dad on the other hand was a mean spirited gimp. He was constantly bullying my mother, and when he wasn't bullying her he was stealing from her purse. Luckily, my Dad wasn't at home very often. Your descriptions could be much better. Describe how much of a monster your father was. Instead of saying he was a mean spirited gimp that was constantly bullying people, describe what he did. Did he lash out at her and berate her until she was on the ground in pain?
Once, I started to grow up I followed my father's foot steps. Constantly trying to fnd a way to get a quick fix. Drugs were something that made me happy, they were a form of ecapism for me. This addiction started to overcome me. Very soon after consuming this drug I was unable to feel the same effect.Clunky expression So I took more; and more; and more; until I overdosed.
My Mother could barely afford to look after me. Let alone fund my hospital bill. I was in trouble. I couldn't afford the care I was being given. It was very likley that I would be put off life support.
I can distinctly remember being in a all white hospital room, the constant screeching from other patients slowly made me go crazy. Suddenly, it all stopped, everything. I was no longer in a hospital room. I was some where else. Some where dark. The whole place was pitch black. I then started to stroll around. I could see my mother and father. My mother was working and putting all her earnings into a jar. On it, it read: "hospital fund". My dad was also working to put this money into the jar. He was all cleaned up, he was cleanly shaven and wore reasonable looking I know you’re probably rushed for time but I’d ideally find a better alternative for this clothes.
They had both go their act together. This is a bit too colloquial in my opinion I had woken up. I was back in the hospital room. Weirdly, the screeching from the other patients made me feel comfortable. My family did everything for me, they worked out their differences for me, family is everything to me
I quite like the final part of this story
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Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) :)
Overall a decent creative, but I think you could make it a bit better by providing better descriptions and fixing up your expression a bit.
Waddup,
Essay #1 (from yesterday)
Stimulus: School uniforms should be banned from all schools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Australia nearly every school makes their students wear a school uniform. School uniforms are put into place so that they can make everybody equal, which will not lead to students competing for who has the best outfit Expression here is a bit clunky . If school uniforms are working for the schools and students why should we ban them?
School uniforms are put into place so that students don't have to be worried about spending a lot of money on clothes. Granted, some school uniforms are expensive, but a child has to wear them everyday. Unlike normal clothes which would have to be changed every day. School uniforms allows kids who normally cannot spend a lot of money on normal clothes, to be free from oppression that would be brought onto them by other children. You could mention how it alleviates the financial pressure of always having to buy the newest clothes
If school uniforms were banned it would start a competition between students, about who has the best clothes. Children do not go to school to compete with others about who has the best clothing. Students would become distracted form the real task at hand, which is their education. I think you could explore the idea that a competition between students based on clothing is unhealthy. You also need to talk more about the role of a school to educate and how this hinders their education.
When this debate comes to play many students argue that school uniforms breach their individuality. To a certain extent, this is true. School uniforms are put into place so that everybody looks the same. School is a place of education; not how well a student can dress. By not having school uniforms, students would only have another layer of distraction added onto their day. This paragraph essentially repeats the previous one. They both mention how school uniforms are a distraction. Having two paragraphs basically repeat the same idea should be avoided.
In conclusion, school uniforms should not be banned for the following reasons: they make everybody equal. Letting kids of all socio-economic backgrounds to co-exist. With school uniforms put into place, there is no competition. Kids won't have to compete against each other for who has the most expensive outfit, or who has the best outfit. Despite many children arguing that school uniform goes against their individuality; there is a time and a place for that, and school is neither of those things.
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Thanks for reading,
Hugo :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Overall a decent essay with a few things to work on.
It’s honestly amazing that you’ve wrote so many essays. Keep working hard, but make sure you enjoy your holidays too. :)
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Persuasive Essay - #1
Prompt: Write to convince your school board whether soda machines should or should not be eliminated.
Nowadays, children have become accustomed to drinking soda and other sugary beverages on a daily basis which has caused atrocious problems such as high intake of sugar and weight gain. As a society we must change our habits and reduce the amount of drinks that young teens are addicted to.
The amount of sugar in these energy drinks makes children behave in an hyperactive way which results in lack of focus, concentration and control. This has a considerable amount of impact on children's working habits and ability to learn, disrupting learning capabilities and making education extra hard.
Students should be educated on advantages and disadvantages on drinking soda by thinking about how and why it affects them. Teachers should make it a point to explain what gets put into these carbohydrated drinks and teach them the price they have to pay when they drink too much. Increase in weight gain is another aspect that causes problems for teenagers making them feel ashamed and embarrassed which also disrupts their learning.
However, students have a range of beverages to choose from, the soda companies get a larger profit and the school gets more income to pay for other expenses. Children should be able to have what they want knowing what the outcome will be whether or not they choose to drink these sugary beverages.
Soda machines should be eliminated at schools as they disturb learning and education because of how energetic children get when drinking it. We must all educate each other to help prevent our population from becoming too overweight as it already is.
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Persuasive Essay - #1
Prompt: Write to convince your school board whether soda machines should or should not be eliminated.
Nowadays, children have become accustomed to drinking soda and other sugary beverages on a daily basis which has caused atrocious problems such as high intake of sugar and weight gain. As a society we must change our habits and reduce the amount of drinks that young teens are addicted to. Really solid introduction overall, but maybe link it more closely with the idea of whether soda machines should be eliminated in school.
The amount of sugar in these energy drinks makes children behave in an hyperactive way which results in lack of focus, concentration and control. This has a considerable amount of impact on children's working habits and ability to learn, disrupting learning capabilities and making education extra hard. Maybe find an alternative to the words extra hard, cause it’s not the best thing to say. Also, overall the paragraph is good, but I think that it’s a misconception to think that sugary drinks make children hyperactive. I watched a youtube video that said that this isn’t true. Maybe research that and see what you find.
Students should be educated on advantages and disadvantages on drinking soda by thinking about how and why it affects them. Teachers should make it a point to explain what gets put into these carbohydrated drinks and teach them the price they have to pay when they drink too much. I think for this part, you’ve started to stray away from the persuasive. You’re not really arguing about whether we should eliminate soda machines. Instead you’re just listing stuff we should do. I feel like you need to spell out the disadvantages in your paragraphs instead of possible solutions to the problem. Increase in weight gain is another aspect that causes problems for teenagers making them feel ashamed and embarrassed which also disrupts their learning.
However, students have a range of beverages to choose from, the soda companies get a larger profit and the school gets more income to pay for other expenses. Children should be able to have what they want knowing what the outcome will be whether or not they choose to drink these sugary beverages. Ok, I might be just missing something, but I don’t get the purpose of this paragraph. I’m not sure what the argument is and how it’s supporting the idea that we need to ban soda machines.
Soda machines should be eliminated at schools as they disturb learning and education because of how energetic children get when drinking it. We must all educate each other to help prevent our population from becoming too overweight as it already is. Solid conclusion
Overall it’s a pretty good attempt. Keep up the good work. ;D
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Thanks for the feedback although the third paragraph was supposed to be a counterargument from the opposing side.
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Thanks for the feedback although the third paragraph was supposed to be a counterargument from the opposing side.
In persuasives, I feel like you should avoid bringing up opposing arguments unless you’re going to refute them. So, I’d try to avoid that, cause I don’t think you properly disproved the opposing argument you bring up.
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topic:
The haunted house..
As I jogged past an enthralling but spooky haunted house, I thought in my mind, "Hmmm, how strange. A random haunted house in the middle of a public park." I stopped to catch a breath, also thinking about the haunted house. "Maybe I'll go with Will next time.."
Exactly a week later, William and I walked steadily to where the eerie and solitary house stood. We were as eager as a beaver, ready to take upon the haunted house. I realised that the steel gate was unlocked and went to open it. I courageously walked in first, enabling me to clearly see all the crimson blood stains on most of the shattered glass.
When I reached the front wooden door of the haunted house, William asked me if I would do the honours of opening it. I firmly placed my hand on the wooden doorknob where I could feel splinters. I turn my hand and pushed slowly. The door opened and we both walked in slowly. The creaking door and wooden floorboards frightened the life out of me. The putrid smell of dead animals stunk my noses. Suddenly, the door behind me slammed closed. Instantly turning back, I realised that William wasn't there. As I swiftly opened the door, I found no one outside either.
Out of nowhere, I heard a sinister chuckle behind me. I turned ghastly and rapidly, seeing William. How aghast albeit relieved I was was invokable.
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Waddup,
Story #2 (again from yesterday)
Prompt: You have done too much.
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I had spent years and in space, trying to look for another planet for my kind to move into. My team and I were on the brink of discovering it, all we needed to do was just modify our telescope. My whole crew were good men and women, who were the best mankind had to offer. They were willing too bet that they could find a planet soon. All except for one member.
Lieutenant James Daniels, my assistant, was a well accomplished man. Participating in over 100 other space exploration missions. This would be hist last, before he would retire. He had always wanted my job. Daniels was a shy, sleazy snake. That always had a hidden agenda. I personally found him to be quite nice to me, but I've heard many stories of how he had treated others.
After months of work on the telescope we had finally found the planet. However, we had to be sure it was okay for our kind to inhabit. Daniels and I exited the space craft. We brought the telescope outside with us. I noticed on this particular day that Daniels was especially erratic. As if he was a child finally after ages of escalation, got what he wants.
Daniels and I were looking around that particular solar system, when I noticed Daniels wasn't outside with me anymore. I looked for him everywhere but I couldn't find him. I finally noticed that the hitch where we had exited from was sealed shut. Daniels raspy voice was coming from my ear piece. "You have done too much, I was supposed to be the heroic explorer, who saved human kind." The radio, then cut off.
The number one rule that NASA told me, was in any circumstance to do not panic. At first I was okay, but I started to think about how small I was, how I wouldn't be saved. I could feel my throat constricting, There wasn't enough oxygen left for me. By that time the ship had already departed, I could feel my life slowly fading away. My only hope was a beacon, that would call life forms for help.
I set it off, and a few moments later I had passed out. Suddenly, I woke up. I could breath. I was safe, but I had to identify where I was I could breath without artificial air. I think I had discovered our new home.
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Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
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topic:
The haunted house..
As I jogged past an enthralling but spooky haunted house, I thought in my mind, "Hmmm, how strange. A random haunted house in the middle of a public park." I stopped to catch a breath, also thinking about the haunted house. "Maybe I'll go with Will next time.."
Exactly a week later, William and I walked steadily to where the eerie and solitary house stood. We were as eager as a beaver I feel like this sounds weird and doesn’t suit this creative, ready to take upon the haunted house. I realised that the steel gate was unlocked and went to open it. I courageously walked in first, enabling me to clearly see all the crimson blood stains on most of the shattered glass. Some good descriptions
When I reached the front wooden door of the haunted house, William asked me if I would do the honours of opening it. This is a just a preference for me. But, I feel like this has no purpose and you could just skip over it and it wouldn’t affect the story if you did. I like to avoid any unnecessary details that don’t add much to the description of the scenery or the story. I firmly placed my hand on the wooden doorknob where I could feel splinters. I turn my hand and pushed slowly. The door opened and we both walked in slowly. repetition The creaking door and wooden floorboards frightened the life out of me. The putrid smell of dead animals stunk my noses. Suddenly, the door behind me slammed closed. Instantly turning back, I realised that William wasn't there. As I swiftly opened the door, I found no one outside either. There are some really good descriptions going on
Out of nowhere, I heard a sinister chuckle behind me. I turned ghastly and rapidly, seeing William. How aghast albeit relieved I was was invokable. This sentence sounds really weird and off in my opinion
Overall, I think it’s a solid creative. I feel like adding a bit more description about the character and how they were reacting to the situation. Instead of saying that they were frightened, show it through description. For example, I’d say something like they took slow, tentative steps or their hands were trembling ever so slightly. Anyway, great work overall. :)
Waddup,
Story #2 (again from yesterday)
Prompt: You have done too much.
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I had spent years and in space, trying to look for another planet for my kind to move into. My team and I were on the brink of discovering it, all we needed to do was just modify our telescope. My whole crew were good men and women, who were the best mankind had to offer. They were willing too bet that they could find a planet soon. All except for one member. You don’t need to spend so much time describing this type of thing. You ideally want to condense this.
Lieutenant James Daniels, my assistant, was a well accomplished man. Participating in over 100 other space exploration missions. This would be hist last, before he would retire. He had always wanted my job. Daniels was a shy, sleazy snake. That always had a hidden agenda. I personally found him to be quite nice to me, but I've heard many stories of how he had treated others.
After months of work on the telescope we had finally found the planet. However, we had to be sure it was okay for our kind to inhabit. Daniels and I exited the space craft. We brought the telescope outside with us. I noticed on this particular day that Daniels was especially erratic. As if he was a child finally after ages of escalation, got what he wants. Don’t just say that he was erratic. Show what made you think that he was acting weirdly. Was he muttering random things? Was he trembling? What made him seem erratic?
Daniels and I were looking around that particular solar system, when I noticed Daniels wasn't outside with me anymore. I looked for him everywhere but I couldn't find him. I finally noticed that the hitch where we had exited from was sealed shut. Daniels raspy voice was coming from my ear piece. "You have done too much, I was supposed to be the heroic explorer, who saved human kind." The radio, then cut off.
The number one rule that NASA told me, was in any circumstance to do not panic. At first I was okay, but I started to think about how small I was, how I wouldn't be saved. I could feel my throat constricting, There wasn't enough oxygen left for me. By that time the ship had already departed, I could feel my life slowly fading away. My only hope was a beacon, that would call life forms for help. I feel like a bit more detail needs to be put on this part. This is the really important climax of your creative, so try to add more detail to this part rather than adding it into the background information part.
I set it off, and a few moments later I had passed out. Suddenly, I woke up. I could breath. I was safe, but I had to identify where I was I could breath without artificial air. I think I had discovered our new home.
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Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
It was overall an ok creative. The plot was good, but in my opinion you continue to focus on background information and not enough on the actual important parts of your creatives.
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Overall, I think it’s a solid creative. I feel like adding a bit more description about the character and how they were reacting to the situation. Instead of saying that they were frightened, show it through description. For example, I’d say something like they took slow, tentative steps or their hands were trembling ever so slightly. Anyway, great work overall. :)
It was overall an ok creative. The plot was good, but in my opinion you continue to focus on background information and not enough on the actual important parts of your creatives.
Thanks, I hope you had a great result in VCE too!
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Topic:
The secret place ..
We had a wealthy ancestry living in an enormous mansion. Our lives were extremely prosperous and we were allowed to spoil ourselves whenever. It was like a dream come true for us.
One sunny day, my three younger sisters and I came in the front garden under a large weeping willow and decided to play hide and seek. I wasn't "it" so I hurried back in the eloquent mansion, running up the wooden spiral staircase. I passed a few different rooms and ended up in my parents room. As my parents were business tycoons, they were busy at meetings. Under the lit crystal chandelier, I hid behind the old-fashioned lavish curtains waiting to be found.
During my time behind the curtain, I realised that there was a door next to the wardrobe filled with clothes. Checking if anyone would arrive at the door, I stealthily crept towards the door and slowly opened it. I realised that it was dark and had no windows there. I turned the light switch on, enabling me to see the enormous shining chandelier with an enthralling wooden staircase. Never have I ever seen this room throughout my time here. I was extremely eager. Without letting anyone know, I scurried over to the edge, enabling me to see just what was downstairs. The view was unexpected. Dozens of a hundred dollar bills stacked on one another.
This unanticipated occurrence shocked the life out of me. Never would I thought there would be a place stacked full of bills. Just as I heard someone scream "Jamessss", I quickly ran back out.
SORRY FOR MY EXTREMELY BAD ESSAY, I was rushing cause I'm leaving Melbourne tomorrow
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Waddup,
Essay #1
Stimulus: Should Euthanasia or physician assisted suicide by legal.
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Life is an incredibly precious thing. To take away it, is an incredibly controversial topic. Euthanasia is to assist another person to commit suicide. Unfortunately, in Australia euthanasia is frowned upon, but it really should be looked at as a way to end suffering. Euthanasia should be implemented into Australian law, however, it should be heavily regulated.
Euthanasia should be implemented in Australia, but it should be only one persons choice the patient. Euthanasia should be implemented, but should only be allowed to take place with the permission from the person in question. This doesn't lead to families choosing to euthanise other family members, for selfish reasons. Giving one person the right to control their life, allows them to be more control of their lives, thus not degrading their current mental state.
Death in general is a bit of a taboo. Many people are afraid of it. This mindset has been ingrained into our laws. Euthanasia is used to put people out of their misery. Unfortunately, due to many peoples' view of suicide (including the church's) many people are afraid to talk about it. Our mindset has led to many people having to suffer greatly. When they could stop the pain forever. Sadly, society's selfish ways are to busy worrying about how they will go to hell because they can control their own death, rather than focusing on helping others.
A common misconception amongst people is that if euthanasia was implemented into the law, they would be killed off by their family members. However, as mentioned beforehand, euthanasia should be highly regulated. Only allowing the person in question, to be able to control their life. This than rendering the possibility of family members trying to kill off their relatives impossible.
In conclusion, euthanasia should be considered to be implemented into the law. But due to the common misconception of our society it will be hard to overcome. Euthanasia would only occur with the person in question's agreeance. People will also start to fell more secure with euthanasia when they know that they will not be murdered by their family members.
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Overall I don't think it was my best essay, when I type it up I can be able to see all the errors. However, I do think that I'm improving, compared to my first essay I wrote I think I'm writing at a much higher standard. I have also noticed that I'm becoming more consistent.
Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) :) :) :) :)
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Topic:
The secret place ..
We had a wealthy ancestry living in an enormous mansion. Our lives were extremely prosperous and we were allowed to spoil ourselves whenever. The word whenever seems colloquial and jarring It was like a dream come true for us.
One sunny day, my three younger sisters and I came in the front garden under a large weeping willow and decided to play hide and seek. I wasn't "it" so I hurried back in the eloquent mansion, running up the wooden spiral staircase. I passed a few different rooms and ended up in my parents room. As my parents were business tycoons, they were busy at meetings. Under the lit crystal chandelier, I hid behind the old-fashioned lavish curtains waiting to be found. Good descriptions
During my time behind the curtain, I realised that there was a door next to the wardrobe filled with clothes. Checking if anyone would arrive at the door, I stealthily crept towards the door and slowly opened it. I realised that it was dark and had no windows there. I turned the light switch on, enabling me to see This feels like it can be made more concise. Like I turned the light switch on and gazed at the... the enormous shining chandelier with an enthralling wooden staircase. Never have I ever seen this room throughout my time here. I was extremely eager. Eager isn’t the best word to use. Also, a thing that a lot of people do is that they tell the character’s emotions without showing it. So you say he’s eager, when you should maybe describe his heart pounding or something else to show how eager he is. Without letting anyone know, I scurried over to the edge, enabling me to see just what was downstairs. The view was unexpected. Dozens of a hundred dollar bills stacked on one another.
This unanticipated occurrence shocked the life out of me. Never would I have thought there would be a place stacked full of bills. Just as I heard someone scream "Jamessss", I quickly ran back out.
SORRY FOR MY EXTREMELY BAD ESSAY, I was rushing cause I'm leaving Melbourne tomorrow
The essay is good so far, but it seems incomplete. I feel like you stopped the story just before it reached it’s climax, which wasn’t great. Overall, your descriptions appear to be improving, but could still use some touching up. I think you shouldn’t have ended it in this way cause you haven’t explored the mystery of the secret room much. It feels like you just missed out on the interesting part. This is just my opinion.
Waddup,
Essay #1
Stimulus: Should Euthanasia or physician assisted suicide by legal.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life is an incredibly precious thing. To take away it, is an incredibly controversial topic. Euthanasia is to assist another person to commit suicide. Unfortunately, in Australia euthanasia is frowned upon, but it really should be looked at as a way to end suffering. Euthanasia should be implemented into Australian law, however, it should be heavily regulated.
Euthanasia should be implemented in Australia, but it should be only one person’s choice the patient. Euthanasia should be implemented, but should only be allowed to take place with the permission from the person in question. This doesn't lead to families choosing to euthanise other family members, for selfish reasons. Giving one person the right to control their life, allows them to be more control of their lives, thus not degrading their current mental state.
Death in general is a bit of a taboo. Many people are afraid of it. This mindset has been ingrained into our laws. Euthanasia is used to put people out of their misery. Unfortunately, due to many peoples' view of suicide (including the church's) many people are afraid to talk about it. Our mindset has led to many people having to suffer greatly. When they could stop the pain forever. Sadly, society's selfish ways are to busy worrying about how they will go to hell because they can control their own death, rather than focusing on helping others.
A common misconception amongst people is that if euthanasia was implemented into the law, they would be killed off by their family members. However, as mentioned beforehand, euthanasia should be highly regulated. Only allowing the person in question, to be able to control their life. This than rendering the possibility of family members trying to kill off their relatives impossible.
In conclusion, euthanasia should be considered to be implemented into the law. But due to the common misconception of our society it will be hard to overcome. Euthanasia would only occur with the person in question's agreeance. People will also start to fell more secure with euthanasia when they know that they will not be murdered by their family members.
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Overall I don't think it was my best essay, when I type it up I can be able to see all the errors. However, I do think that I'm improving, compared to my first essay I wrote I think I'm writing at a much higher standard. I have also noticed that I'm becoming more consistent.
Thanks for reading,
Hugo :) :) :) :) :) :)
I’m just going to comment on what I find is the biggest flaw of your persuasive. I think this has been a recurring issue, so pay attention to this next time you post an essay. Your paragraphs go something like this:
Para 1: Only the person themselves should be allowed to choose
Para 2: Alleviates suffering (strongest argument for Euthanasia in my opinion, but you talk about death being a tabboo and all that, which doesn’t really help to support your argument and doesn’t add much given the strict time limit)
Para 3: It should be regulated (repeats the ideas of paragraph 1 which isn’t good)
I dislike paragraphs 1 and 3 because they are proposing a solution rather than presenting an argument. Also, the counter argument that you attempt to address in these paragraphs (family members killing each other) appears to be weak at best and you deal with this really specific argument without addressing the broader picture. Your arguments should be persuasive and support the idea that euthanasia should be legalised. How is the fact that it should be regulated a persuasive argument for why euthanasia should be legalised? In my opinion, you should focus on how each individual should have a right to determine their own fate and how other people don’t have a right to intefere cause it doesn’t harm others.
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Topic: Should violent video games be banned?
Violent video games are played all around the world daily. These games can influence a person to act violently in reality, eventually harming something or someone. These types of video games should not only be banned to minimize the amount of violence that is used in adolescence and teenager years but also to put more focus onto the education area to grow their understanding about the future and reality. How will people who grind on their consoles for hours a day know how to make a living in the future?
Violent video games are being purchased everyday globally. Not only does this remunerate the developers and manufacturers of the video games but also affects them to improve on their games and produce more different games or series of a game. All these violent video games are impacting the lives of teenagers, encouraging them to be addicted and play more. Violence and rage will erupt from these games if a player suffers a defeat or gets too addicted to the game, leaving no space for anything productive
The lives of teenager should not be controlled by video games, albeit some classify it as their hobbies, some will extract some violent knowledge and use it in reality to one another. Instead of spending hours on consoles and grinding up to the most prominent level, more time should be spent on education, teaching people the consequences and lack of education and knowledge video games will give to you. Education is vital to teach and prepare gamers for their future.
We should be optimistic about our future, not eager to grind and play video games. Violent video games has a detrimental impact to peoples future, eventually making them homeless and jobless. This is definitely not what we would want to see in our eyes of a gamer.
ok sorry, i suddenly wanted to write an essay because i couldn't think of any creative topics
anyone have some creative topic to contribute??
thanks :)
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Topic: Should violent video games be banned?
Violent video games are played all around the world daily. These games can influence a person to act violently in reality, eventually harming something or someone. Hold on .. slow down. You just introduced a highly loaded and contentious topic of violent video games, a huge field with a whole breadth of things you can talk about. Why are they called 'violent video games'? What happens in these games? What is an example of a violent game and what things does it promote? You can't just suddenly proclaim that they influence people to behave in a certain manner without any supporting evidence. At the core of the issue is games such as GTA that depict ruthless killing in a first person perspective, encouraging players to view themselves in the scenario and as the perpetrator of heinous crimes without any repercussions, promoting a mindset with little regard for the sanctity of human life or the law in general. Make sure that you're not suddenly leaping to claims and conclusions without any initial background or logical reasoning, demonstrates a lack of understanding of how to persuade an audience.
These types of video games should not only be banned to minimize the amount of violence that is used in adolescence and teenager years but also to put more focus onto the education area to grow their understanding about the future and reality. How will people who grind on their consoles for hours a day know how to make a living in the future?
Violent video games are being purchased everyday globally. Not only does this remunerate the developers and manufacturers of the video games but also affects them to improve on their games and produce more different games or series of a game. address the issue specifically.. it's not that manufacturers are able to improve the game or add games but rather that they are being financially sponsored/fuelled/endorsed by the general public for creating content that is grossly inappropriate in modern society. Maybe worth mentioning other stakeholders such as the Government, is it their responsibility possibly to intervene?
All these violent video games are impacting the lives of teenagers(how did we suddenly get to the subgroup of teenagers?? Explain; "The real danger of these video games is that they are targeted towards young adolescents through elaborate marketing schemes. What is most concerning, though, is that this subgroup of the population is at their most vulnerable stage; their views and values are only beginning to take shape, and these are being tainted by ideals of murder and destruction prevalent in violent video games (<-- link to topic). Social prosperity lies on the shoulders of these adolescents, and .... " etc. encouraging them to be addicted and play more. Violence and rage will erupt from these games if a player suffers a defeat or gets too addicted to the game, leaving no space for anything productive. Nevermind productivity, what about the damage they can do to themselves, their families, friends, those around them
The lives of teenager should not be controlled by video games (once again introducing a big new idea of games controlling lives, but little evidence or background info to support how the games achieve this). are they, albeit some classify it as their hobbies (interesting point, ties in with moderation and a balancing act between what consumers want and upholding law and order, but you just skimmed over it :-\), some will extract some violent knowledge and use it in reality to one another. Instead of spending hours on consoles and grinding up to the most prominent level, more time should be spent on education, teaching people the consequences and lack of education and knowledge video games will give to you. Education is vital to teach and prepare gamers for their future. I like how you're tying in a new theme and finding solutions to the issue. Consider also other groups of people, not just the gamers. Doesn't society have a right to feel safe? A family should not have to worry about an addicted gamer, crazed and fuelled with images of crime and murder, attacking them on the street.
We should be optimistic about our future, not eager to grind and play video games. Violent video games has a detrimental impact to peoples future, eventually making them homeless and jobless. This is definitely not what we would want to see in our eyes of a gamer.
Key things for me: Assume the assessor has absolutely no knowledge on the topic. It is up to you to inform them and provide background information or any relevant introductory knowledge. They are not going to make any inferences or assumptions for you - they read what is on the paper. Start each essay with a clear introduction and try to be thought provoking (eg. In recent times, video games depicted violent crime have become ingrained in society, insofar as they have become socially acceptable. The normalisation of these games, however, poses many dangers to the modern era and threatens the very foundation of law and order in society)
- Formulate key points and ideas to start the piece
- Consider the alternate view. This will always strengthen your piece.. you show a real depth of understanding if you are able to adopt the viewpoint of the opposing side and further adds value to your own argument if you can point out their flaws (eg. while gamers may argue that video games are fun and harmless, the.......)
Overall, really make sure you have a clear idea of where your piece is going and your arguments. This will make it flow far more smoothly and concisely, and be more effective to persuade the reader. The piece felt a little bit all over the shop, jumping around to several ideas without developing them..
That aside, your vocabulary and punctuation I felt were pretty strong, which is good to see!
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Topic:
On the deserted island
I scurried to the leaving wooden ship that would take me to the exotic islands in the southern and eastern areas of Asia. Once I settled in to my designated spot, I took out my soft and comfy pillow and gently placed it behind my head. I closed both of my tired eyes and went to sleep.
Out of nowhere, I was awaken abruptly by the sounds of thrashing waves and the ear-splitting and resonant screams of other passengers. To my horror, I realised that my designated spot, a normal wooden chair in the ship started to move. Attempting to gather all my belongings, my luggage slid to the port of the ship. A large hole suddenly appeared at the port side and I could most clearly see the precarious and treacherous waves that were bound to swallow the entire ship. Everyone on the port side had fallen off the ship, including their luggage. Only the passengers who were sitting on the starboard side were onboard. "I must think! What should I do!?" I repeated in my head multiple times. I only had my wet clothes and a pillow now. I was left with literally nothing but I wouldn't give up. There must have been something I could do.
Courageously, I took my shoes, socks, jumper and shirt off and jumped off (I know repetition -.-) the tip of the ship, landing with a loud splash in the waves. The charcoal black sky scared the life out of me, I had to do something. I lay on my back covering the pillow with my clothes, making an inflatable lifesaver and started to kicked both of my legs. After a while I was breathing heavily, tired of the legs. I closed my eyes and slept, hoping miraculously to wake up somewhere safe.
I felt a warm heat radiate on my body and the torrid and dry sand on my back. I opened my eyes and saw a solitary blazing sun. Once I stood up, I realised I was on an island. Though shocked, I felt extremely lucky. The serene and placid swishing of the water and swaying of the palm trees suddenly moderated by beating heart.
As I adventured around the mysterious island, I was also seeing the exotic fruits and plants I had never seen back in Australia. It was literally the opposite of the dry desert here. I started to follow a path with arrows barefoot. The violet and magenta flowers let out a pungent aroma that made me feel dizzy. I had never been in such paradise before. Soon, I started to see something that was around the shade of cyan and cerulean. Now, running I realised in the sea.
Now I was on a deserted island, I had no reason to live anymore.
ok I had to rush to end... sorry and bye :))) btw- is lay past tense? If not, what is? Thanks :)
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Topic:
On the deserted island
I scurried to the leaving wooden ship that would take me to the exotic islands in the southern and eastern areas of Asia. Once I settled in to my designated spot, I took out my soft and comfy I’m not sure but maybe just say comfortable to play it safe, cause this is a bit colloquial, but you can get away with it in creatives pillow and gently placed it behind my head. I closed both of my tired eyes and went to sleep.
Out of nowhere, I was awaken abruptly by the sounds of thrashing waves and the ear-splitting and resonant screams of other passengers. To my horror, I realised that my designated spot, a normal wooden chair in the ship started to move. Attempting to gather all my belongings, my luggage slid to the port of the ship. I feel like there’s an awkward jump in between the two parts of the sentence A large hole suddenly appeared at the port side and I could most clearly see the precarious This word feels misused and treacherous waves that were bound to swallow the entire ship. Everyone on the port side had fallen off the ship, including their luggage. Does this detail matter? It seems really clumsily added on Only the passengers who were sitting on the starboard side were onboard. "I must think! What should I do!?" I repeated in my head multiple times. I only had my wet clothes and a pillow now. I was left with literally nothing but I wouldn't give up. There must have been something I could do.
Courageously, I took my shoes, socks, jumper and shirt off and jumped off (I know repetition -.-) the tip of the ship, landing with a loud splash in the waves. The charcoal black sky scared the life out of me, I had to do something. I lay on my back covering the pillow with my clothes, making an inflatable lifesaver Do you mean lifejacket? This bit seems expressed clumsily. You could just say it helped me float or something. and started to kicked both of my legs. After a while I was breathing heavily, tired of the legs Thus sounds really weird. Maybe emphasise the tiredness with more descriptions, rather than saying this. Or say something like a sharp stinging pain ran through my legs as I desperately tried to swim to safety . I closed my eyes and slept, hoping miraculously to wake up somewhere safe.
I felt a warm heat radiate on my body and the torrid and dry sand on my back. I opened my eyes and saw a solitary blazing sun. Once I stood up, I realised I was on an island. Though shocked, I felt extremely lucky. The serene and placid swishing of the water and swaying of the palm trees suddenly moderated by beating heart.
As I adventured around the mysterious island, I was also seeing the exotic fruits and plants I had never seen back in Australia. It was literally the opposite of the dry desert here. I started to follow a path with arrows barefoot. The violet and magenta flowers let out a pungent aroma that made me feel dizzy. I had never been in such paradise before. Soon, I started to see something that was around the shade of cyan and cerulean. Now, running I realised in the sea.
Now I was on a deserted island, I had no reason to live anymore. This is way too abrupt
ok I had to rush to end... sorry and bye :))) btw- is lay past tense? If not, what is? Thanks :)
Lay should be past tense. Also, I’ve noticed that throughout this essay you’ve been chucking in really “fancy” words. But, this isn’t always a good thing. If you can use the words correctly then it’s fine. But, if you can’t then it can backfire entirely. Also, using these words don’t necessarily make your descriptions better as they can be jarring and sometimes they don’t add anything. So, just be careful when using these “fancy” words. Also, at times you still tell things and don’t show them. For example, the line “Though shocked, I felt extremely lucky”. Maybe instead describe how someone would act if they were shocked. They would be desperately looking around and would be a bit jittery. Anyway, overall it was a decent essay. Keep at it. :)
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Topic: An image of a cave, key and a piece of rope
There it was. The prized possession treasure hunters all over the world were looking for lied within that dark ominous cave. I had been searching for the key to Tamen’s treasure for years now, and legend says that inside the old, rusty treasure chest lied an invaluable treasure that not even the greatest craftsman could replicate. I had to traverse the thick forests of Burma to get to this cave.
I steadfastly walked to the entrance of the cave and carefully entered it. My heart was pounding as the flame from my torch lit up the entire cave. A plethora of large, grey bats with sharp fangs flew out of the cave, causing me to stumble and trip over. I hit my head on a gargantuan, sharp rock and my forehead started to bleed excessively. As I got up however, I saw a golden key in the corner of the cave. I rushed over and took the key. I was going to become extremely wealthy, and feelings of jubilation and excitement flooded my brain.
As I exited the cave, I quickly travelled back to my miniscule cottage which was situated at the end of the forest. The entire world was searching for the treasure chest, but little did they know I had discovered it nine years ago, hidden in one of Tamen’s old houses, I opened the door to my cottage slowly, I was careful not to alert even the animals in the forest that I had found the key to the world’s most precious prize. I took out the treasure chest from underneath my bed and meticulously inserted the key into the keyhole. When I opened the chest, my heart sank.
I saw a small piece of rope and a note. I took the note and noticed that it was tattered and very old. It simply read “DEAD END” in large bold writing. I was extremely disappointed and furious. I ripped the note violently and indignantly screamed at the top of my lungs. 15 minutes later, I took the piece of rope, and suddenly noticed it had a set of coordinates engraved in it. I picked up a piece of the torn paper on the floor, and noticed that in small writing it said “SALVATION LIES WITHIN”.
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This was my first creative writing piece in like a month and my mind completely blanked out :/. This was completed in just a little over 15 minutes.
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Topic: An image of a cave, key and a piece of rope
There it was. The prized possession treasure hunters all over the world were looking for lied lay within that dark ominous cave. I had been searching for the key to Tamen’s treasure for years now, and legend says that inside the old, rusty treasure chest lied lay careful of repetition here an invaluable treasure that not even the greatest craftsman could replicate. I had to traverse the thick forests of Burma to get to this cave. This feels added on and doesn’t transition well from the last sentence.
I steadfastly walked to the entrance of the cave and carefully entered it. My heart was pounding as the flame from my torch lit up the entire cave. A plethora of large, grey bats with sharp fangs flew out of the cave, causing me to stumble and trip over. Some decent descriptions going on here I hit my head on a gargantuan, sharp rock and my forehead started to bleed excessively. After finishing the creative, I noticed that you completely ignored the fact that he was bleeding excessively. I would have loved to see something like he died of bloodloss just before opening the treasure chest. I think it would have been good to describe the person becoming more sluggish as he lost more blood. In my opinion, there was no point introducing this if you’re not going to use it to further your creative. 15 minutes isn’t a lot of time and you want to have everything contribute to the overriding story. Instead you could have added more detailed descriptions of how the person felt or something more meaningful. As I got up however, I saw a golden key in the corner of the cave. I rushed over and took the key. I was going to become extremely wealthy, and feelings of jubilation and excitement flooded my brain.
As I exited the cave, I quickly travelled back to my miniscule cottage which was situated at the end of the forest. The entire world was searching for the treasure chest, but little did they know I had discovered it nine years ago, hidden in one of Tamen’s old houses, I opened the door to my cottage slowly, I was careful not to alert even the animals in the forest that I had found the key to the world’s most precious prize. This sentence is way too long. Try to break long sentences up, as they can be hard to follow. I took out the treasure chest from underneath my bed and meticulously inserted the key into the keyhole. I think you could have added a feeling of suspense here and described the excitement and nervousness you felt When I opened the chest, my heart sank.
I saw a small piece of rope and a note. I took the note and noticed that it was tattered and very old. It simply read “DEAD END” in large bold writing. I was extremely disappointed and furious. I ripped the note violently and indignantly screamed at the top of my lungs. 15 minutes later, I took the piece of rope, and suddenly noticed it had a set of coordinates engraved in it. I picked up a piece of the torn paper on the floor, and noticed that in small writing it said “SALVATION LIES WITHIN”. I quite like this ending to the creative. It’s a nice cliffhanger.
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This was my first creative writing piece in like a month and my mind completely blanked out :/. This was completed in just a little over 15 minutes.
Overall a pretty good creative. Keep up the good work. :)
Edit: Just a friendly reminder that I don’t think I’ll be able to mark essays after the holidays finish, due to the heap of obligations I will probably have during university, so if you’re keen to get essays marked, send them my way soon.
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Thanks so much for the feedback zhen, I’ll try and write more during the holidays :)
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Hi,
I am new to this forum and this is my first essay which I am posting. Can you please provide the feedback?
Topic: Is scientific research the key to solve all human problems.
Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems. Would we be where we are right now if not for scientific research? Would we have great medical discoveries, newest advanced technology or just the normal everyday objects we use?
Scientific research is the key to all human problems. So, what's the major problem humans face? Medical problems. with the scientific research we've done in the last 20 years, we've finally discovered a blood test which is able to detect common types of cancers up to 2 years before it occurs. This is a ground-breaking discovery which would have not been found if not for scientific research. This is why scientific research is the answer to all human problems. Don't you think as well?
Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems because it has helped us advance in technology so much! For example, in the military, smart robots are being employed to check and undetonate bombs which has saved countless lives so far. In another perspective, advanced machines are being used in car and hardware constructing factories to maximize the work efficiency. Now, do you thinks scientific research is the key to solving all human problems?
Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems. Would we have all the common gadgets we use everyday and take for granted be here if not for scientific research? How much scientific research did Thomas Edison do to invent the light bulb? Behind every object we use today, a lot of scientific research has done to invent and improve it. Now, do you think scientific research is the key to all human problems?
Scientific research is the answer to all human problems. It has already help us achieve and learn so many things. Just imagine the infinite things it can help us achieve and learn in the future.
Once again, can you guys please provide me some feedback.
;D
Thanks for the help.
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Hi,
I am new to this forum and this is my first essay which I am posting. Can you please provide the feedback?
Topic: Is scientific research the key to solve all human problems.
Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems. Would we be where we are right now if not for scientific research? Would we have great medical discoveries, newest advanced technology or just the normal everyday objects we use? Solid start
Scientific research is the key to all human problems. I know that repetition is a persuasive technique, but I feel like it loses effectiveness and may detract from the piece if it’s in a written rather than spoken format. So, what's the major problem humans face? Medical problems. With the scientific research we've done in the last 20 years, we've finally discovered a blood test which is able to detect common types of cancers up to 2 years before it occurs. This is a ground-breaking discovery which would have not been found if not for scientific research. This is why scientific research is the answer to all human problems. Don't you think as well? Maybe emphasise the magnitude of the effect of scientific research. Emphasise how it has saved thousands of lives if not millions of lives.
Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems because it has helped us advance in technology so much! Too colloquial For example, in the military, smart robots are being employed to check and undetonate bombs which has saved countless lives so far. In another perspective, advanced machines are being used in car and hardware constructing factories to maximize the work efficiency. Now, do you think scientific research is the key to solving all human problems? I dislike this repetition as well. In this context, I don’t think it contributes at all to your piece. Sometimes repetition can be good to nail in a point, but I don’t think it’s done well here.
Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems. Would we have all the common gadgets we use everyday and take for granted be here if not for scientific research? How much scientific research did Thomas Edison do to invent the light bulb? I honestly think you have way too many rhetorical questions. A few are good but if you have too many then the basis of your argument and the points you’re trying to get across aren’t there cause you’re spending time on these questions that don’t really add facts or points to your case. Behind every object we use today, a lot of scientific research has done to invent and improve it. Now, do you think scientific research is the key to all human problems?
Scientific research is the answer to all human problems. It has already helped us achieve and learn so many too colloquial things. Just imagine the infinite number of things it can help us achieve and learn about in the future.
Once again, can you guys please provide me some feedback.
;D
Thanks for the help.
Overall a decent persuasive. I think that that throughout this persuasive you’ve been too informal. Normally I enjoy reading pieces that address and confront the reader. However, it should be done in moderation. You need to have areas of your persuasive where you’re in third person and presenting a logical standpoint. Try not to be too informal in your language. A bit here and there is fine, but I think this persuasive is a bit too informal. I think the arguments presented and structure isn’t great, but that’s more because the topic is so restrictive. Anyway, keep up the good work. :)
Just a reminder that after the end of January, I can’t guarantee that I’ll correct these anymore, so write essays before then if you want them corrected by me.
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Hi,
I am new to this forum and this is my first essay which I am posting. Can you please provide the feedback?
Topic: Is scientific research the key to solve all human problems.
Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems. Would we be where we are right now if not for scientific research? Would we have great medical discoveries, newest advanced technology or just the normal everyday objects we use?
Scientific research is the key to all human problems. So, what's the major problem humans face? Medical problems. with the scientific research we've done in the last 20 years, we've finally discovered a blood test which is able to detect common types of cancers up to 2 years before it occurs. This is a ground-breaking discovery which would have not been found if not for scientific research. This is why scientific research is the answer to all human problems. Don't you think as well?
Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems because it has helped us advance in technology so much! For example, in the military, smart robots are being employed to check and undetonate bombs which has saved countless lives so far. In another perspective, advanced machines are being used in car and hardware constructing factories to maximize the work efficiency. Now, do you thinks scientific research is the key to solving all human problems?
Scientific research is the key to solving all human problems. Would we have all the common gadgets we use everyday and take for granted be here if not for scientific research? How much scientific research did Thomas Edison do to invent the light bulb? Behind every object we use today, a lot of scientific research has done to invent and improve it. Now, do you think scientific research is the key to all human problems?
Scientific research is the answer to all human problems. It has already help us achieve and learn so many things. Just imagine the infinite things it can help us achieve and learn in the future.
Once again, can you guys please provide me some feedback.
;D
Thanks for the help.
Do you go to JAC, because that’s like, the exact same topic we did this week :P
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Hey guys, can you please provide me feedback on my narrative essay. Thanks. ;D
On a deserted island
Thirsty. No water. No food. I was stranded on a deserted island. There was no fresh water to drink, nothing to eat. There was just a group of large, luscious plants exactly in the middle of island. I searched every inch of the island and was unsuccessful in finding anything useful.
After 2 days on this island, I realized that the plants on the island can't be alive if not for a pure water source, so, I dug near the trees and voila, I had found a clean water source. I scooped up as much as I could with my skinny hands and filtered out the sand and gulped it up. I let out a great sigh of relief. Now, with my main problem out of the way, I turned to another. Food. As far as I could see on the surface, there was just sand and on the inland, just weeds and inedible plants. How was this possible, how was there no food on this island. I looked up to the sky and just then I saw something my eye's couldn't comprehend. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and opened them once again. There were ripe bananas hanging from the tree. As I was very weak, I kept throwing small rocks at the bananas and eventually a few fell down. I couldn't believe on what a fortune I had struck. I peeled and ate the bananas one by one until I had eaten a whole tree's worth.
Then, my final problem arose. Escape. The first thought that came to mind was a raft. I managed to cut some wood and create a raft and yet it barely managed to float and so that idea became a total bust. Then I finally decided the best decision was to order stones to say SOS. And that was exactly what I did. After that I just waited. One day, two days, three days and it went on and on and I was kept waiting. The truth was finally sinking in. I was going to die on this island one day or another.
I curled up into a ball and tears start flowing out of my eyes. I finally realized all hope was lost. I was as good as dead. Just then I heard a boat ripping through the water. I stood up and shouted as loud as I could until my voice started cracking. But the boat kept on moving and didn't even come my way. Maybe it was destiny for me to die in this horrible place drinking sandy water and eating bananas everyday. Just then, I heard a a chopper's blade spinning in the air. I slowly looked up and saw a chopper with a ladder sticking out it and a guy shouting at me to grab on and climb up.
I was saved! Starstruck, I climbed up the ladder to safety and flew back to civilization.
Thanks for correcting my previous essay.
Thanks and regards.
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Hey guys, can you please provide me feedback on my narrative essay. Thanks. ;D
On a deserted island
Thirsty. No water. No food. I was stranded on a deserted island. There was no fresh water to drink, nothing to eat. Repetition of the first three sentences. I feel like repeating things is a waste of time There was just a group of large, luscious plants exactly in the middle of island. I searched every inch of the island and was unsuccessful in finding anything useful.
After 2 days on this island, I realized that the plants on the island can't be alive if not for a pure water source, so, I dug near the trees and voila, I had found a clean water source. I scooped up as much as I could with my skinny hands and filtered out the sand and gulped it up. I let out a great sigh of relief. Now, with my main problem out of the way, I turned to another. Food. As far as I could see on the surface, there was just sand and on the inland, just weeds and inedible plants. How was this possible, how was there no food on this island. I looked up to the sky and just then I saw something my eye's couldn't comprehend. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and opened them once again. There were ripe bananas hanging from the tree. As I was very weak, I kept throwing small rocks at the bananas and eventually a few fell down. I couldn't believe on what a fortune I had struck. This isn’t really expressed well. Maybe describe the waves of excitement from finally getting something to eat I peeled and ate the bananas one by one until I had eaten a whole tree's worth. There’s nothing really wrong with this paragraph. However, I always associated these deserted island stories as ones where it was important to showcase the person’s thoughts and feelings as they went through this lifethreatening experience. So, describing how the character is feeling would in my opinion make this a bit more interesting.
Then, my final problem arose. Escape. The first thought that came to mind was a raft. I managed to cut some wood and create a raft and yet it barely managed to float and so that idea became a total bust. I think you’re progressing from one thing to the next without properly fleshing out each event. Like how did the person feel after the raft didn’t float? Did they keep trying again and again or did they lose hope immediately? Then I finally decided the best decision was to order stones to say SOS. And that was exactly what I did. After that I just waited. One day, two days, three days and it went on and on and I was kept waiting. The truth was finally sinking in. I was going to die on this island one day or another. I think there is a massive missed opportunity to show the character gradually losing hope and to parallel this with the character’s body growing weaker due to the lack of food and resources.
I curled up into a ball and tears started The whole piece is past tense flowing out of my eyes. I finally realized all hope was lost. I was as good as dead. Just then I heard a boat ripping through the water. I stood up and shouted as loud as I could until my voice started cracking. But the boat kept on moving and didn't even come my way. Maybe it was destiny for me to die in this horrible place drinking sandy water and eating bananas everyday. Just then, I heard a a chopper's blade spinning in the air. I slowly looked up and saw a chopper with a ladder sticking out it and a guy shouting at me to grab on and climb up.
I was saved! Starstruck, I climbed up the ladder to safety and flew back to civilization.
Thanks for correcting my previous essay.
Thanks and regards.
Overall pretty good creative. Some good description and a decent story. I just feel like there are missed opportunities to describe the character’s feelings or other things in detail. It feels like you’re moving from one event to another without properly delving into each event separately. Anyway, great job and keep up the good work! ;D
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Hey guys, I did another creative essay today on the topic: "The haunted house". ;D
I jogged past it as I normally do everyday. The haunted house. The rumor has it, a hundred years ago, it was once a very ordinary home where people came and went. But suddenly one day, the maid came in to do her normal cleaning, she found them lying on the floor. Dead. She flew out of the house screaming out the news of the death of the family. The news spread like a wildfire through the townspeople. The next day the police came to investigate the mysterious death but found there was no cuts or wounds on their bodies. Until today, the death of the family remains a mystery.
For over a hundred years now, it has been thought the cause of the death of the family was that the house was haunted. The lack of maintenance resulted in it becoming completely broken down. The paint on the wooden boards were peeling off and all possible entrances were blocked by thick wooden planks. Today, I felt very adventurous, so I went past the fence and near the house. Suddenly a disgusting pong came from the house. It smelt like rotten fruits and dirty socks combined. I found a filthy crowbar by the side of home and held it with my gloved hand. With great difficulty, I ripped of the planks from the door and sluggishly entered inside. It was nothing like I was expecting it to be. There were bright white tiles on floor which looked as if they had been polished everyday.
Suddenly I heard a voice coming from the kitchen and I crouched behind a cupboard over-viewing what was happening. A lady was in the kitchen pulling out what seemed to be baked potatoes from the oven and placing it on a dining table where there was two kids and a father. I watched in awe of the scene that was unfolding before my eyes. What was happening? But something didn't look right about them. They were a bit... a bit... transparent. Whoa! They were ghosts living in their home. I rushed out of the house, starstruck. What a scene I had just witnessed. I had to tell someone else!
Can you please provide me some feedback. ;D
Thanks a lot to zhao who has provided me feedback very quickly.
Thanks
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Nice topics, I wonder who you got them for or if you are going to give any credit
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Nice topics, I wonder who you got them for or if you are going to give any credit
Shots fired :o
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Topic: Educational institutions should actively encourage students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.
Educational institutions and organisations, such as primary and high schools, offer a diverse range of subjects in their curriculum. However, actively suggesting to students to take specific subjects simply because they have better job prospects or are deemed more profitable is absolutely outrageous as a student might be prevented from picking fields of study that actually interest them, and also because this creates a learning environment in which students develop a minuscule amount of skills and abilities.
Educational institutions should not push students to pick profitable careers as it can potentially prevent a student from partaking in a subject that they are passionate about. Imagine your child has an interest in music, but the school that they attend forces them to take science instead because there are better job opportunities. Would you want you or your child to attend this school? Thus, educational institutions should not push students to pick profitable careers.
Educational institutions should not push students to pick subjects which offer greater financial benefits as this causes students to develop a narrow skill set. Only studying a few subjects in school can cause a student to not properly experience certain situations and hardships that can expand their skill set, and a multitude of skills and abilities is crucial as it can improve an individual's performance in a work environment. An example of a few skills that would be beneficial in a workplace would be good problem solving and communication skills. Therefore, educational institutions should not push students to only participate in potentially profitable fields of study.
Educational centres should definitely not regularly encourage students to choose more lucrative careers as students may not choose the subjects that they are passionate about, and they also develop a narrow set of skills and abilities which can reduce an individual's performance in a workplace situation.
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Finished in a little over 15 minutes, but couldn't write a third argument/rebuttal :(. Btw, I'm trying out for year 9 entry. I also had some questions regarding the structure of persuasive writing. First of all, do we have to include a persuasive device in each paragraph, and if we don't will we get marks taken off? And also, if you choose to write a rebuttal will we get like additional marks, or is a third argument or rebuttal marked equally? Lastly, do we have to write the title/topic in persuasive/creative writing or can we just skip straight to the writing part? Thanks so much :)
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Hey guys, I did another creative essay today on the topic: "The haunted house". ;D
I jogged past it as I normally do everyday. The haunted house. The rumor has it, a hundred years ago, it was once a very ordinary home where people came and went. But suddenly one day, when the maid came in to do her normal cleaning, she found them Who are you referring to. Since you’ve only mentioned that people came and went and you haven’t specified who “them” is lying on the floor. Dead. She flew out of the house screaming out the news of the death of the family. I feel like this sounds a bit off The news spread like a wildfire through the townspeople. The next day the police came to investigate the mysterious death but found there was no cuts or wounds on their bodies. Until today, the death of the family remains a mystery. Too much describing and providing background information. This bit should be condensed or you could maybe even take out 80% of this. Not enough time in 15 minutes to spend doing detailed backstories and all that.
For over a hundred years now, it has been thought the cause of the death of the family was that the house was haunted. I feel like you may be cramming too much into one sentence, which is making this sound clunky The lack of maintenance resulted in it becoming completely broken down. The paint on the wooden boards were peeling off and all possible entrances were blocked by thick wooden planks. Today, I felt very adventurous, so I went past the fence and near the house. Suddenly a disgusting pong I had to look this word up and honestly it sounds awkward the way you put it. Maybe stench would be better? came from the house. It smelt like rotten fruits and dirty socks combined. I found a filthy crowbar by the side of home and held it with my gloved hand. With great difficulty, I ripped of the planks from the door and sluggishly entered inside. It was nothing like I was expecting it to be. There were bright white tiles on floor which looked as if they had been polished everyday.
Suddenly I heard a voice coming from the kitchen and I crouched behind a cupboard over-viewing what was happening. A lady was in the kitchen pulling out what seemed to be baked potatoes from the oven and placing it on a dining table where there was two kids and a father. I watched in awe of the scene that was unfolding before my eyes. What was happening? But something didn't look right about them. They were a bit... a bit... transparent. Whoa! They were ghosts living in their home. I rushed out of the house, starstruck. What a scene I had just witnessed. I had to tell someone else!
Can you please provide me some feedback. ;D
Thanks a lot to zhao who has provided me feedback very quickly.
Thanks
Decent creative with some good descriptions, but maybe try to focus on the main plot more and enhance those descriptions by minimalising the background information.
Topic: Educational institutions should actively encourage students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.
Educational institutions and organisations, such as primary and high schools, offer a diverse range of subjects in their curriculum. However, actively suggesting to students to take specific subjects simply because they have better job prospects or are deemed more profitable is absolutely outrageous as a student might be prevented from picking fields of study that actually interest them, and also because this creates a learning environment in which students develop a minuscule amount of skills and abilities.
Educational institutions should not push students to pick profitable careers as it can potentially prevent a student from partaking in a subject that they are passionate about. Imagine your child has an interest in music, but the school that they attend condense to their school forces them to take science instead because there are better job opportunities. Would you want you or your child to attend this school? Thus, educational institutions should not push students to pick profitable careers. Good idea, but not executed that well. If you want to be more persuasive, emphasise the adverse effect of being forced to do subjects. Emphasise the disinterest and sadness the children will feel.
Educational institutions Repetition like this should be avoided should not push students to pick subjects which offer greater financial benefits as this causes students to develop a narrow skill set. Only studying a few subjects in school can cause a student to not properly experience certain situations and hardships that can expand their skill set, and a multitude of skills and abilities is crucial as it can improve an individual's performance in a work environment. This sentence is a bit too long and convoluted An example of a few skills that would be beneficial in a workplace would be good problem solving and communication skills. Therefore, educational institutions should not push students to only participate in potentially profitable fields of study. I think this was a pretty decent argument
Educational centres should The educational centres/institutions should not... sentence structure is getting too repetitive definitely not regularly encourage students to choose more lucrative careers as students may not choose the subjects that they are passionate about, and they also develop a narrow set of skills and abilities which can reduce an individual's performance in a workplace situation.
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Finished in a little over 15 minutes, but couldn't write a third argument/rebuttal :(. Btw, I'm trying out for year 9 entry. I also had some questions regarding the structure of persuasive writing. First of all, do we have to include a persuasive device in each paragraph, and if we don't will we get marks taken off? And also, if you choose to write a rebuttal will we get like additional marks, or is a third argument or rebuttal marked equally? Lastly, do we have to write the title/topic in persuasive/creative writing or can we just skip straight to the writing part? Thanks so much :)
Persuasive devices aren’t needed in every paragraph. Good writing and fleshed out arguments are much more important. I don’t think it matters if you choose a rebuttal or a third argument. I didn’t write the title for mine and I don’t think you would have to either. Overall your piece was decent, so keep up the good work. :)
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Hi! Here's my second or third creative writing in preparation for Year 9 selective schools. I’d really appreciate it if you could mark it :)) (😂 the only thing that came to my mind is those dramatic popular girls in high school cause I’ve been watching movies like mean girls recently,, I’m so sorry if it’s cringy or something I swear I usually don’t write things like this 😂)
Topic- The new student
As I arranged my false lashes, all the boys around me stared at me. I knew they were speechless. After all, I was the most mesmerising girl in this school.
Everyone favourites me. Even the teachers. I had the silkiest brunette hair, forest-like green eyes and thick lips that every girls wished and admired so badly. I had good grades, too. Not the best, but good enough. I wasn’t surly like those popular girls in movies and books to teachers, but I was to some girls who had no sense of fashion what-so-ever. They were freaks and nerds. I loathed girls like that. Ugh.
But on 19th of April, few days after Term 2 had started, in Year 9, my fame had fallen down like parachute falling down from the sky.
At first, when she stepped into our class, I casually thought, ‘she’s just a new girl.’
But it turned out that I was the only one thinking that.
The new student, Eliza Hammet, turned out to be mesmerising to everyone than me. She had silk like black hair dark as charcoal like her eyes. Her lips were naturally red and treated everyone even the freaks and nerds like her best friends. The boys moved their interest to Eliza from me too.
But no one seemed to realise that Eliza was constantly but secretly hating me since the 20th of April. It was like she loathed me like I loathed the freaks and nerds.
Now even I wasn’t the teachers’ favourite now. Eliza was much more well-behaved than me and was in the top for the student of the year.
It was like I was forgotten just in few days and my popularity was moved to the new student, Eliza.
I gulped, scared and wary about what Eliza would do to me in the future, now that she have taken all popularity and honour I had from this school.
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Topic- The new student
As I arranged my false lashes, all the boys around me stared at me. I knew they were speechless. After all, I was the most mesmerising girl in this school.
Everyone favourites me. Even the teachers. I had the silkiest brunette hair, forest-like green eyes and thick lips that every girls wished and admired so badly. I had good grades, too. Not the best, but good enough. I wasn’t surly like those popular girls in movies and books to teachers, but I was to some girls who had no sense of fashion what-so-ever. They were freaks and nerds. I loathed girls like that. Ugh.
But on 19th of April, few days after Term 2 had started, in Year 9, my fame had fallen down like parachute falling down from the sky. This is a bad metaphor. If you are trying to indicate her 'fame' (should be 'popularity') dropped instantly, using heavy objects that drop fast should be used
At first, when she stepped into our class, I casually thought, ‘she’s just a new girl.’
But it turned out that I was the only one thinking that.
The new student, Eliza Hammet, turned out to be mesmerising to everyone than me. She had silk like black hair dark as charcoal like her eyes. Her lips were naturally red and treated everyone even the freaks and nerds like her best friends. The boys moved their interest to Eliza from me too.
But no one seemed to realise that Eliza was constantly but secretly hating me since the 20th of April. It was like she loathed me like I loathed the freaks and nerds.
Now even I wasn’t the teachers’ favourite now. Eliza was much more well-behaved than me and was in the top for the student of the year.
It was like I was forgotten just in few days and my popularity was moved to the new student, Eliza.
I gulped, scared and wary about what Eliza would do to me in the future, now that she have taken all popularity and honour I had from this school.
The plot is quite basic, and there needs to be more description. Words are used out of context. Otherwise, an alright essay for 15 mins
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Topic: Parents should go to jail if their does anything illegal.
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Many children, at some point, commit some form of a misdemeanour. Though, a small portion of these children may commit some extreme and heinous crimes, such as underage drinking or illegal drug dealing. Some people are quick to label the child’s parents as the root cause for such an atrocity, and some go as far as to say that the repercussion of such a felony should also go to the parents. However, this opinion is completely absurd as there are also other outside factors that contribute to a child’s actions, and some parents may just raise their kids the wrong way.
Parents should not be sent or jail if their kid does an illegal crime as they might not be the root cause of their child’s actions. A kid may commit illegal crimes due to outside factors, such as peer pressure or simply developing friendships with the wrong people. The parent should not automatically be charged for this as other factors contribute to their child’s actions. Thus, parents should not go to jail for their kid’s illegal crimes.
Parents should not be sent to jail if their kid does an illegal crime as they may have simply not parented their kid correctly. Many parents may just place too much stress on their child, or they might have done something else that might seem minor, but could consequently lead to an extreme action being done by their child. Many parents simply do not realise these mistakes as it seems like such a minuscule action that would have no real consequences. Therefore, they should not be charged as they can not properly judge what their own action’s consequences may be. Hence, parents should not be sent to jail for their child’s illegal crimes.
Parents should indubitably not be sent to jail for their child’s felonies as they might not be the main cause for their children’s crimes as there might be outside factors that contribute immensely to their child’s decision to commit a crime. Also, they might make a minor error in their parenting that would have detrimental impacts on their child’s actions, and it is unfair to charge them for this as many parents do not release that they have made these mistakes.
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Whatever I do, I just can’t seem to get the proper time to edit, or the time to write my rebuttal lol. Hopefully it will come with practice.
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hey, i really hope someone can help me mark >< because my y11 exam is in a few days!
Prompt: image of girl looking outside window. Below the image says "What happens next?"
The world outside home seemed so alive. So carefree. I looked down at the labyrinthe streets filled with people. A family of three caught my eye. The daughter,
sandwiched in between her parents, had a huge grin plastered on her face. It was such a simple vision - a happy family but something I will never be able to possess.
A loud shatter pierced the air. I buried my head in my hands as I anticipated what would come within seconds - the roar of my father's voice, followed by my mother's soft cries. My vision blurred as I felt tears well up in my eyes- I shook my head and bit my lip. Why must I cry over an everyday occurence?
The door slammed open, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Look at your useless daughter!" my father slurred, pointing one accusatory finger at me. "She can't do anything right and I have to shoulder the burden of taking care of this rubbish family!"
My hands balled into fists upon hearing the insults thrown at me. What angered me most was the sight of my trembling mother, trying to put up a facade that she is alright with her quivery smiles. What did my father, an irresponsible drunkard, ever do for this family in the first place.
Something in me snapped. I grabbed the beer bottle out of his hands and smashed it on the ground.
I screamed at him, pushing past my mother's loose grip. "You are nothing but an abusive man who treats his family like dirt! I wish-"
Before I could finish, a hand flew across me and I felt my consciousness fading.
thank you!
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hey, i wrote a persuasive piece too! do give feedback thanks!
Prompt: Write a persuasive piece arguing for or against global laws banning whaling.
There is an increasing trend of various animal species being endangered, or worse, going extinct. In light of such an alarming trend, I strongly believe that global laws banning whaling are necessary as these laws will protect whales and keep the ecosystem in balance.
FIrstly, whales are already an endangered species. This puts them in grave danger of going extinct if there are no laws banning whaling globally as large food chains will be free to hunt down whales without facing criminal charges. Despite being a worrying situation which should be a grave concern, there is a rising trend of animals going extinct, especially animals whose parts can be sold for great value, such as elephants which are often hunted for their tusks. Without laws banning whaling, the number of whales will continue shrinking rapidly and the fact that whales are endangered signifies that we need strict measures such as global laws in order to improve the situation and protect whales.
Moreover, by protecting whales, this ensures that the ecosystem is kept in balance. The marine environment follows a food chain and should whales go extinct as a consequence of not having laws banning whaling, the ecosystem will be disrupted as whales are huge predators that prey on fish. Indisputably, the food chain will be left with a problem.
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hey, i wrote a persuasive piece too! do give feedback thanks!
Prompt: Write a persuasive piece arguing for or against global laws banning whaling.
There is an increasing trend of various animal species being endangered, or worse, going extinct. In light of such an alarming trend, I strongly believe that global laws banning whaling are necessary as these laws will protect whales and keep the ecosystem in balance.
FIrstly, whales are already an endangered species. This puts them in grave danger of going extinct if there are no laws banning whaling globally as large food chains will be free to hunt down whales without facing criminal charges. Despite being a worrying situation which should be a grave concern, there is a rising trend of animals going extinct, especially animals whose parts can be sold for great value, such as elephants which are often hunted for their tusks. Without laws banning whaling, the number of whales will continue shrinking rapidly and the fact that whales are endangered signifies that we need strict measures such as global laws in order to improve the situation and protect whales.
Moreover, by protecting whales, this ensures that the ecosystem is kept in balance. The marine environment follows a food chain and should whales go extinct as a consequence of not having laws banning whaling, the ecosystem will be disrupted as whales are huge predators that prey on fish. Indisputably, the food chain will be left with a problem.
Well, for me, the main flaw I find without starting to read you essay is your structure. You should have an introduction, three body paragraphs and a conclusion at least. If you can think of one, add a rebuttal.
For the essay itself, I will leave it to a more educated individual to correct. :)
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Hi, can someone mark my essay please? I think I might have made up a lot of stuff and perhaps used some words in the wrong context
Gambling advertisements should/not be on TV
Gambling is when people “bet” and place money into a game of chance in order to supposingly gain more money afterwards (if they win). This has caused many issues such as gambling addictions and loss of money. Gambling is seen all over television and is causing more harm than good thus should not be advertised on television as it makes people want to gamble even more and contradicts what non-gambling advertisements are trying to achieve.
The issue of gambling advertisements presented on TV is that it increases the motivation of people wanting to gamble as it “over-exposes” them to this “game of chance” and betting for money. Some gamblers (as they are called) struggle with a “gambling addiction” through constantly wanting to “bet” to win money but this “betting” can instead can go against them, and instead, they would lose more money than gain. Advertising gambling could make gambling addicts think about gambling thus their struggling “addiction” will be hard to end. Thus gambling advertisements should not be shown on TV.
In addition, gambling advertisements oppose anti-gambling advertisements that are also present on television. Nowadays, anti-gambling activists are trying to get people off gambling but these advertisements are hindering the ability to do that which confuses some and contradicts the anti-gambling ideas making them non-effective on gamblers.
Although gambling advertisements are causing havoc within society, it is important to recognise that if gambling advertisements are not publicated, this could quickly deteriorate the gambling industry - in fact, could potentially issue the downfall of gambling services with many losing their jobs in the process. Not many people gamble, but those that do; they gamble a lot. Especially within modern times, these people that lose their jobs in the gambling industry may struggle to find new jobs in other industries due to “small jobs” having been taken over by automation.
To conclude, gambling advertisements should not be on TV as it does not stop addicts from quitting their “gambling addiction” and it also contradicts the goal of anti-gambling advertisements. Despite this, advertising gambling would increase profit for the gambling industry, with publication, this industry would suffer from the lack of gambling and could potentially shut down leaving jobless peers.
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Well, for me, the main flaw I find without starting to read you essay is your structure. You should have an introduction, three body paragraphs and a conclusion at least. If you can think of one, add a rebuttal.
For the essay itself, I will leave it to a more educated individual to correct. :)
i'm unable to develop my points properly so i felt that i should just stick to developing 2 main arguments well enough haha
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Hi, can someone mark my essay please? I think I might have made up a lot of stuff and perhaps used some words in the wrong context
Gambling advertisements should/not be on TV
Gambling is when people “bet” i don't think you need the " for this? im not sure tbh hahaand place money into a game of chance in order to supposingly gain more money afterwards (if they win). This has caused many issues such as gambling addictions and loss of money. Gambling is seen all over television and is causing more harm than good thus should not be advertised on television as it makes people want to gamble even more and contradicts what non-gambling advertisements are trying to achieve.
The issue of gambling advertisements presented on TV is that it increases the motivation of people wanting to gamble good starting sentence! as it “over-exposes” simply writing "exposes them" would be fine. "over exposes" sounds a bit odd (to me) them to this “game of chance” and betting for money. Some gamblers (as they are called) i dont think this is necessary struggle with a “gambling addiction” through constantly wanting to “bet” to win money but this “betting” can instead can go against them, and instead, repetition of instead isn't neededthey would lose more money than gain. a shorter expression of the point you're trying to bring across would be "this betting can cause more harm than good" Advertising gambling could make gambling addicts think about gambling thus their struggling “addiction” will be hard to end. you can also talk about how their addiction would relapse Thus gambling advertisements should not be shown on TV.
In addition, gambling advertisements oppose anti-gambling advertisements that are also present on television. Nowadays, anti-gambling activists are trying to get people off gambling but these advertisements are hindering the ability to do that which confuses some and contradicts the anti-gambling ideas making them non-effective on gamblers.
Although gambling advertisements are causing havoc within society, it is important to recognise that if gambling advertisements are not publicated, this could quickly deteriorate the gambling industry - in fact, could potentially issue the downfall of gambling services with many losing their jobs in the process. Not many people gamble, but those that do; they gamble a lot. Especially within modern times, these people that lose their jobs in the gambling industry may struggle to find new jobs in other industries due to “small jobs” having been taken over by automation.
To conclude, gambling advertisements should not be on TV as it does not stop addicts from quitting their “gambling addiction” and it also contradicts the goal of anti-gambling advertisements. Despite this, advertising gambling would increase profit for the gambling industry, with publication, this industry would suffer from the lack of gambling and could potentially shut down leaving jobless peers.
this is my first time marking haha. i think in general maybe you could drop the " because they are not necessary. :)
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i'm unable to develop my points properly so i felt that i should just stick to developing 2 main arguments well enough haha
Writing 2 points is perfectly OK. iirc, I wrote the same number of arguments. This will allow you to discuss the arguments in more detail. :)
hey, i wrote a persuasive piece too! do give feedback thanks!
Prompt: Write a persuasive piece arguing for or against global laws banning whaling.
There is an increasing trend of various animal species being endangered, or worse, going extinct. In light of such an alarming trend, I strongly believe that global laws banning whaling are necessary as these laws will protect whales and keep the ecosystem in balance. In your introductions, I recommend being more explicit in outlining your main ideas, This is very important is basic introduction structure. Make sure you don't use language like I, you, me, and use language like "therefore, it is essential that global laws banning whaling are introduced..." instead of "I strongly believe that global laws..."
FIrstly, whales are already an endangered species. The topic sentence clearly needs to outline what the paragraph is about, and writing that "whales are already an endangered species" doesn't really give any information about your argument/idea. This puts them in grave danger of going extinct if there are no laws banning whaling globally as large food chains will be free to hunt down whales without facing criminal charges. Despite being a worrying situation which should be a grave concern, there is a rising trend of animals going extinct, especially animals whose parts can be sold for great value, such as elephants which are often hunted for their tusks. This sentence doesn't really make much sense. It started with 'despite', but then it never really continued through with anything that was opposite of the first half. Sorry I don't really know how to explain that haha. I feel like overall this sentence isn't really doing anything for your argument. It doesn't solidify your idea, and is basically there to fill up space. I feel as though you're just stating a fact that probably fits into your introduction, but doesn't take your argument anywhere. Do you get where I'm coming from? Without laws banning whaling, the number of whales will continue shrinking rapidly and the fact that whales are endangered signifies that we need strict measures such as global laws in order to improve the situation and protect whales.
Moreover, by protecting whales, this ensures that the ecosystem is kept in balance. The marine environment follows a food chain and should whales go extinct as a consequence of not having laws banning whaling, the ecosystem will be disrupted as whales are huge predators that prey on fish. Indisputably, the food chain will be left with a problem. I feel like you could explain this a lot more. I know the time limit is quite small, but thinking of ideas faster will help with writing more. Not just for this paragraph, but in every persuasive you write, you should talk about the negative impacts of not doing what you're arguing for are. Then you could talk about how following your ideas those impacts won't exist. Just an idea. :)
Overall, it wasn't a bad essay, but was a bit short, which I can understand because the time is so restricting. Try to focus more on the structure of your writing, and make sure it's fluent and not clunky. Focus on including relevant information to your argument. Do a few more writing pieces before tomorrow and keep posting them on here, and some more people can have a look at them.
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Writing 2 points is perfectly OK. iirc, I wrote the same number of arguments. This will allow you to discuss the arguments in more detail. :)
Overall, it wasn't a bad essay, but was a bit short, which I can understand because the time is so restricting. Try to focus more on the structure of your writing, and make sure it's fluent and not clunky. Focus on including relevant information to your argument. Do a few more writing pieces before tomorrow and keep posting them on here, and some more people can have a look at them.
wow thank you! this was extremely helpful as you gave lots of suggestions :) and yes, my pieces are really short as you can see :(
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There is an increasing trend of various animal species being endangered, or worse, going extinct. In light of such an alarming trend, I strongly believe that global laws banning whaling are necessary as these laws will protect whales and
keep the ecosystem in balance. (maintain a balance in the world's ecosystem)
Try to separate your contention and your arguments. (I'd suggest splitting this into 1 sentence for your contention + 1 sentence for combining your two arguments. A 2 sentence long intro is not really a proper intro.
FIrstly, whales are already an endangered species. This puts them in grave danger of going extinct if asthere are no laws banning whaling prohibiting the act of whalingglobally. avoid a run on sentence by adding a full stophere!as large food chains will be free to hunt down whales without facing criminal charges. , the global whale population is facing a looming threat of extinction.Despite being a worrying situation which should be a grave concern, there is a rising trend of animals going extinct, especially animals whose parts can be sold for great value, such as elephants which are often hunted for their tusks.good! i like the reasoning here Without laws banning whaling, the number of whales will continue shrinking numbers decrease, not shrinkrapidly and the fact that whales are endangered signifies that we need strict measures such as global laws in order to improve the situation and quite an unnecessary phrase, remove this maybeprotect whales.
Moreover, by protecting whales, this ensures that the ecosystem is kept in balance. The marine environment follows a food chain There is a long established food chain in the marine environment/marine biomes and use semicolon here to sound more sophisticatedshould whales go extinct as a consequence of not having laws banning whalingawkward phrasing (e.g. ...as a consequence of the lack of legislation which prohibits whaling would sound nicer), the ecosystem will be disrupted as whales are huge predators that prey on fishimportant members of the food chain that prey on fish. Indisputably, the food chain will be left with a problem.
General comments (The previous commentor made very valid points as well:)
- write a conclusion, even if it is only going to be one sentence long! Better to have one than to have nothing at all.
- Incorporate a counter argument THEN rebut it by dismissing it/demonstrating that it is of relatively low importance. An example of such could be "Some may say the act of whaling should not be criminalised because of the the long tradition of whale meat being a part of Japanese cuisine. However, the lives of an already declining population of whales should not be sacrificed for human consumption, given that it takes much more time for the whales to repopulate than for fishermen to capture them in the sea. Furthermore, with a vast array for food choices available for human beings, such as farmed cattle and poultry, )
- try to think in a deeper level (but don't worry too much if you can't). For example, a high scorer would bring in the idea of justice into this piece, pointing out that it is unfair for humans to excessively hunt for animals whereas animals with already dwindling populations are unable to defend themselves from such tragedy.
Good luck for your exam, you've got this!!! Just make sure to spend a minute or two planning beforehand to avoid reaching a mind blank/stressing when writing the piece.
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There is an increasing trend of various animal species being endangered, or worse, going extinct. In light of such an alarming trend, I strongly believe that global laws banning whaling are necessary as these laws will protect whales and keep the ecosystem in balance. (maintain a balance in the world's ecosystem)
Try to separate your contention and your arguments. (I'd suggest splitting this into 1 sentence for your contention + 1 sentence for combining your two arguments. A 2 sentence long intro is not really a proper intro.
FIrstly, whales are already an endangered species. This puts them in grave danger of going extinct if asthere are no laws banning whaling prohibiting the act of whalingglobally. avoid a run on sentence by adding a full stophere!as large food chains will be free to hunt down whales without facing criminal charges. , the global whale population is facing a looming threat of extinction.Despite being a worrying situation which should be a grave concern, there is a rising trend of animals going extinct, especially animals whose parts can be sold for great value, such as elephants which are often hunted for their tusks.good! i like the reasoning here Without laws banning whaling, the number of whales will continue shrinking numbers decrease, not shrinkrapidly and the fact that whales are endangered signifies that we need strict measures such as global laws in order to improve the situation and quite an unnecessary phrase, remove this maybeprotect whales.
Moreover, by protecting whales, this ensures that the ecosystem is kept in balance. The marine environment follows a food chain There is a long established food chain in the marine environment/marine biomes and use semicolon here to sound more sophisticatedshould whales go extinct as a consequence of not having laws banning whalingawkward phrasing (e.g. ...as a consequence of the lack of legislation which prohibits whaling would sound nicer), the ecosystem will be disrupted as whales are huge predators that prey on fishimportant members of the food chain that prey on fish. Indisputably, the food chain will be left with a problem.
General comments (The previous commentor made very valid points as well:)
- write a conclusion, even if it is only going to be one sentence long! Better to have one than to have nothing at all.
- Incorporate a counter argument THEN rebut it by dismissing it/demonstrating that it is of relatively low importance. An example of such could be "Some may say the act of whaling should not be criminalised because of the the long tradition of whale meat being a part of Japanese cuisine. However, the lives of an already declining population of whales should not be sacrificed for human consumption, given that it takes much more time for the whales to repopulate than for fishermen to capture them in the sea. Furthermore, with a vast array for food choices available for human beings, such as farmed cattle and poultry, )
- try to think in a deeper level (but don't worry too much if you can't). For example, a high scorer would bring in the idea of justice into this piece, pointing out that it is unfair for humans to excessively hunt for animals whereas animals with already dwindling populations are unable to defend themselves from such tragedy.
Good luck for your exam, you've got this!!! Just make sure to spend a minute or two planning beforehand to avoid reaching a mind blank/stressing when writing the piece.
wow, thank you so much! your language is superb. thanks for the tips :) i always skip a conclusion bc i don't even have time to finish my second argument hahaah. if you have some time, i hope you can check out my thread "Y11 creative and persuasive essays" as i will be posting there more!
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hey, i wrote an argumentative this time round! check my thread "y11 creative and persuasive essays" i post all my essays there and i'd love feedback :)
Prompt: Gambling advertisments should/should not be on TV.
Gambling addiction is a huge problem that many people struggle with. It is commonly noted that there are advertisments reaching out to gamblers to seek help and call a hotline. Consequently, it is vital that gambling advertisments are not shown on television as that would cause an increase in the amount of gamblers and promote gambling as an acceptable, decent form of leisure.
To begin with, by putting gambling advertisments on television, there will be a nationwide audience who are exposed to this form of media. This can cause some to be introduced to gambling if they come across an advertisment. If the advertisment piques their interest, chances are they might try out gambling as what seems like a harmless activity. Consequently, the number of gamblers will increase rapidly. Moreover, ex addicts or gamblers who are trying to stop gambling might relapse after watching the advertisments as they are reminded of their past experiences. Thus, there should not be widespread media exposure to gambling through advertisments as there will be an increase in gamblers.
Additionally, although a few may contend that there are anti gambling advertisments that are able to help ex addicts, the presence of gambling advertisments contradicts the anti ones as those ads are promoting gambling as a form of entertainment that one should try out. This is unacceptable as gambling is an unhealthy habit that causes more harm than good; if drug taking ads are not on television, why should gambling advertisments be?
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Should I upload any essays here?If any forum member is happy to mark my essays,please let me know.
Thanks
Btw,I’m giving the SCHS/MHS test this year in June
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Hii,going to upload a creative essay today!Thanks to whoever marks it!🤗
This is in 15 mins and with all grammar errors,no typos.The topic was SUPER weird so I had like 13 mins to write since I couldn’t think of anything.I HAVE TRASH GRAMMAR AND SHOW NOT TELL.
Topic:START YOUR STORY WITH A SENTENCE THAT IS HAPPY AND UPBEAT WITH NO DOUBLE MEANINGS.
END IT WITH THE SAME SENTENCE,BUT IT IS TERRIFYING etc.
He was laughing.I never knew that my joke can be so funny that it made people like Billy,the gangster laugh.
“Oh Kevin,you make some good jokes,they crack me up”.
“Thanks,”I tentatively replied.
Billy the Bingo,that is what they call him.If you are friends with him,he can do anything for you.
He was living in a place which I cannot even dream of.I will go straight to the point,I needed cash from Billy.This diary is the only place I will write my intentions about being friends with Billy.
“Kevin,how about you sleep at my place tonight.”
“Sure,”I responded with a smile on my face
Billy and I played some video games then played outside.
His house was luxurious,utensils made of good,lounge room big as an apartment,the floor made of euro bills.His mansion was massive,but not as big as my heart.
I was going to stop writing on my diary,suddenly,Billy came.I quickly hid the book but Billy noticed it.
“What are you hiding there?”,Billy hissed.(don’t know if this makes sense,my grammar is trash)
“Nothing,”I mumbled.
“Stop barking nonsense,I know you have something there,”Billy snapped.
He bolted towards me and picked up my diary.
“Oh,your secrets,”Billy exclaimed.
Suddenly,Billy opened the diary,and read a random page.I hope it was not the page about Billy.
Billy chucked the book aside,and took me to another room.I was safe,
“How about I kill you before you take my money,”Billly yelled.
“Damn,he found out,”I though,
He pointed a gun at me and shot me.I died,but he was happy.
He was laughing.
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Hey :)
I'll be marking your essay (I am a MHS student so I know how hard the essay is)
He was laughing. I never knew my joke could be so funny (Try not to use 'so', instead replace 'so funny' with 'hilarious' or something along the lines) that it made people like Billy the gangster laugh.
“Oh Kevin, you make some good jokes, they crack me up”.
“Thanks,” I tentatively replied. good word!
Billy the Bingo,that is what they (who is 'they'? need to specify) call him.If you are friends with him,he can do anything for you. (don't refer to the reader in creative responses)
He was living in a place which I cannot even dream of. I will go straight to the point, I needed cash from Billy. This diary is the only place I would write my intentions about being friends instead of 'being friends with', replace with 'befriending'with Billy.
“Kevin, how about you sleep at my place tonight?”
“Sure,”I responded with a smile on my face.
Billy and I played some(get rid of 'some') video games, then went outside.
His house was luxurious; utensils made of good (what does this mean?),lounge room asbig as an apartment, the floor made of euro bills. His mansion was massive,but not as big as my heart. very cheesy phrasing
I was going to stop writing on my diary,suddenly,Billy came.I quickly hid the book but Billy noticed.
As I was about to stop writing in my diary, Billy suddenly barged in. I attempted to conceal my book under (insert anything), however, Billy noticed
“What are you hiding there?”,Billy asked
“Nothing,” I mumbled.
“Stop barking nonsense,I know you have something there,”Billy snapped.
He bolted towards me and picked up my diary.
“Oh, your secrets,”Billy exclaimed. very confusing emotions
Suddenly, Billy opened the diary and read a random page.I hope it was not the page about him. (need to reword this)
Billy chucked the book aside and took me to another room.I was safe, (safe from what?)
“How about I kill you before you take my money?”Billly yelled. (You just wrote that you were safe, so why is Billy threatening you? confusing transition/correlation)
“Damn,he found out,”I thought,
He pointed a gun at me and shot me.I died,but he was happy. DO NOT MAKE THIS ENDING. sorry to point out but ending like these are terrible How are you able to retell this story if you died? bit confusing
He was laughing.
Overall, not bad not good. You really need to work on your grammar and your creativity. Endings where you say you either died or it was all a dream are not good. Stick with the same tense, please - you went from past tense to present tense a few times.
I didn't do too well on my essays back in 2015 entrance exam (High average lol), so you might need to take someone else's opinion on your piece as well :) Best of luck.
Thanks!!Btw,the utensils made out of “good” was a typo,it was meant to be gold lol.Btw when I wrote i was safe,I thought I was safe,but I wasn’t(if that makes any sense)
Damn,your marking is pretty good!
Lmao,my endings are always someone dying or something like that.
My creative writing is probably my 2nd worst area on the essay(first is readin comp)
How do you find MHS,is it good?
I’ll probably upload another essay right now(persuasive),you can mark it if you want(really appreciated).
Thanks
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Thanks!!Btw,the utensils made out of “good” was a typo,it was meant to be gold lol.Btw when I wrote i was safe,I thought I was safe,but I wasn’t(if that makes any sense)
Damn,your marking is pretty good!
Lmao,my endings are always someone dying or something like that.
My creative writing is probably my 2nd worst area on the essay(first is readin comp)
How do you find MHS,is it good?
I’ll probably upload another essay right now(persuasive),you can mark it if you want(really appreciated).
Thanks
Thank you! :)
Not a big fan of persuasive pieces, but I'll try my best lol
Hmm, you mentioned that it was a typo. Are you typing your essays instead of writing? If you are, probs best if you stick with writing with pen and paper.
MHS is alright, there are good days and bad days here :P
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Thank you! :)
Not a big fan of persuasive pieces, but I'll try my best lol
Hmm, you mentioned that it was a typo. Are you typing your essays instead of writing? If you are, probs best if you stick with writing with pen and paper.
MHS is alright, there are good days and bad days here :P
I’m writing them then typing them here lol,while I was typing them from my book,I made a typo.
I’ll upload persuasive around 5 lol,just reading some old threads.
MHS bad days?Hmmm :o
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I'd also like my essay marked, wrote it in about 20 minutes but I had to copy the essay onto this forum. Any feedback would be appreciated.
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The topic is Utopia - a dream or possible reality?
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The idea of a utopian society changes over time and with each individual. However, something that remains constant is that everyone wants to live in their own utopian world. However, will this remain a dream or become a reality?
Utopian worlds are defined as a perfect society in every sense. This means in a utopian society, humans could never thrive. For example, our natural instincts are to survive and have a better life than others would be rendered useless as we have reached the perfect life and our need to set goals and achieve them would be completely useless . This complete satisfaction would bring complacency and give us no more drive to do anything.
Furthermore, a utopian society would certainly be impossible also because of its fatal social system flaws. Utopia, a book written by Sir Thomas More suggests that in a utopian society everyone might have an equal share of necessities and valuables. However, progress would be maximized if all the resources are spent on the most qualified people. The more helpful one is to society the more resources that person deserves.
On the other hand, utopian societies are only possible under certain circumstances in a small, self sufficient community, this will be short lived however. For the utopian world to achieve perfection would need to have very specific and certain circumstances and situations in order for it to just barely thrive, even when the utopian society does thrive, it will not be able to sustain itself and possibly end in disaster.
All in all, a utopian society may be a dream and a fantasy at this moment, however, it may be be a reality in the near future. As such, we should be aware of the possible disasters that utopian societies may bring in the future.
Thanks for reading.
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My persuasive essay :-D.I usually write intro 3 paras rebuttal conclusion,but I realised that I have WAY too much grammar errors if I do that,so I wrote 2 paras rebuttal intro conclusion for this one and re read it(in 15 mins).There are still grammar errors sadly.
Topic:Should mobile devices/devices in class be allowed
In this day and age,the amount of children who are bringing phones to class is rapidly increasing.The question that strikes everyone,should mobile devices in class be allowed?Mobile devices in class should not be allowed as children can secretly play on their device and the battery of the phone will easily become dead.
To start off with,children can go on their device secretly if devices are allowed.Many children already go on their phone in class to play games or check social media.This is execrable since children would get bad test marks and fail in exams.A solution to this can be not allowing phones in class.Many would think that this is a harsh rule but it is actually lenient since many parents do not even allow their children to have phones.This highlights why mobile devices in class should be banned.
In addition,mobile devices will easily be flat if they are allowed in class.If children go on their phones during class,the phone’s battery will easily be dead.If this happens,a parent may also be unable to contact their child.If phones are not allowed during class,many children would work finer and the atmosphere would be more peaceful.This exemplifies why phones should be banned during class.
Many argue that phones and other devices can help you study and concentrate.However,this is not true as it is known that phones make children procrastinate during class a lot.For example,if as a student is ‘working’ on their phones,a message might pop up and the student might go on messages.This problem would not occur I’d phones are not allowed during class.Hence,this is an invalid point to make as it is not justified well by the reality of the proposed situation.
To conclude,phones should be banned during class as children can play on them and the phone’s battery can run out.
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I'd also like my essay marked, wrote it in about 20 minutes but I had to copy the essay onto this forum. Any feedback would be appreciated.
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The topic is Utopia - a dream or possible reality?
-
The idea of a utopian society changes over time and with each individual. However, something that remains constant is that everyone wants to live in their own utopian world. However, will this remain a dream or become a reality?
Utopian worlds are defined as a perfect society in every sense. This means in a utopian society, humans could never thrive. For example, our natural instincts are to survive and have a better life than others would be rendered useless as we have reached the perfect life and our need to set goals and achieve them would be completely useless . This complete satisfaction would bring complacency and give us no more drive to do anything.
Furthermore, a utopian society would certainly be impossible also because of its fatal social system flaws. Utopia, a book written by Sir Thomas More suggests that in a utopian society everyone might have an equal share of necessities and valuables. However, progress would be maximized if all the resources are spent on the most qualified people. The more helpful one is to society the more resources that person deserves.
On the other hand, utopian societies are only possible under certain circumstances in a small, self sufficient community, this will be short lived however. For the utopian world to achieve perfection would need to have very specific and certain circumstances and situations in order for it to just barely thrive, even when the utopian society does thrive, it will not be able to sustain itself and possibly end in disaster.
All in all, a utopian society may be a dream and a fantasy at this moment, however, it may be be a reality in the near future. As such, we should be aware of the possible disasters that utopian societies may bring in the future.
Thanks for reading.
I won’t mark it since I probably have worse writing skills than u,but I’ll give a few tips.
-The intro is not following the structure.I love it,but that’s not how the structure goes.It goes like this:
1.Descriptive sentence
2.Why is it controversial(optional)
3.Contention
4.State your arguments
5.Linking sentence(I never do it but Spectrum Tuition says we should)
-You seem to have good knowledge about the topic,I don’t even know what utopia is,lol
-Your words etc are advanced,but focus on your structure.
-It might just be me but I feel your words and sentences is so advanced.
-Overall,it’s a OK essay,would be exceptional if you followed the structure.Practice and hopefully us both will get in :D
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My persuasive essay :-D.I usually write intro 3 paras rebuttal conclusion,but I realised that I have WAY too much grammar errors if I do that,so I wrote 2 paras rebuttal intro conclusion for this one and re read it(in 15 mins).There are still grammar errors sadly.
Topic:Should mobile devices/devices in class be allowed honestly the amount of paragraphs isn't necessarily important, I'd say two paragraphs and a rebuttal is already great for 15 minutes.
In this day and age,the amount of children who are bringing phones to class is rapidly increasing.The question that strikes everyone,should mobile devices in class be allowed?Mobile devices in class should not be allowed as children can secretly play on their device and the battery of the phone will easily become dead. Concise introduction, introduced arguments, very good. You can introduce the points in the intro or not, but you have to introduce your stance, sometimes in 15 minute essays you want to get your introduction as concise and short as you can so the assessors take that into consideration.
To start off with,children can go on their device secretly if devices are allowed.Many children already go on their phone in class to play games or check social media.This is execrable since children would get bad test marks and fail in exams.A solution to this can be not allowing phones in class.Many would think that this is a harsh rule but it is actually lenient since many parents do not even allow their children to have phones.This highlights why mobile devices in class should be banned. Good first point
In addition,mobile devices will easily be flat if they are allowed in class.If children go on their phones during class,the phone’s battery will easily be dead.If this happens,a parent may also be unable to contact their child. I'd say what this may cause if you have time. If phones are not allowed during class,many children would work finer and the atmosphere would be more peaceful.This sentence has nothing to do with your argument on phones running out of batteryThis exemplifies why phones should be banned during class.This is a good linking sentence, try to include your argument in there instead of saying 'this', try saying something like 'phone's running out of battery may cause parents to panic and as such exemplifies why phones should be banned during class.'
Many argue that phones and other devices can help you study and concentrate.However,this is not true as it is known that phones make children procrastinate during class a lot.For example,if as a student is ‘working’ on their phones,a message might pop up and the student might go on messages.This problem would not occur I’d phones are not allowed during class.Hence,this is an invalid point to make as it is not justified well by the reality of the proposed situation. I can't really give much feedback on this paragraph as I usually don't disprove the counter-argument, I just acknowledge the fact that this is a yes/no argument. But, the final sentence should clearly put emphasis the relationship between the argument and the topic
To conclude,phones should be banned during class as children can play on them and the phone’s battery can run out. A little short, perfectly understandable if you are out of time though.
First of all, thanks for the feedback on my essay.
Likewise, I am not experienced nor good enough at writing to give too much feedback. There are some grammatical errors inside the text, my personal feedback will be bolded and italicized.
The second argument isn't really explored in enough detail, understandably it is a 15 minute essay. To be honest I'd probably change the second point as I feel like the 'battery running out' is not related with bringing phones to class but more into the first paragraph of playing phones in class. You can try to link paragraph one and two into one bigger argument and turn it into a passive essay, where you have one point for and one point against and try provide a solution in the conclusion. This could make paragraph one say something like 'also, playing phones in class can cause your phone to run out of battery - - -'
Conclusion is a little short, I would probably say 'although it can be argued that phones can be good for studying, they can prove to be distracting and prove to have more negative impacts then positives. As such, we should be aware of the pros and cons that bringing phones to class may cause and respect all opinions that schools have on the matter.'
Sorry if I came off a little harsh, I tried to provide as much constructive criticism as I could.
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Progenitor, very impressive! I've noticed a few grammatical errors so brush up on those.
Probot, I'll mark your essay later tonight 😀
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Thanks NIFTYGod and the Progenitor,much appreciated
Noticed that my battery argument was super weak lol
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Sorry I went a little harsh on your essay but there is some serious help you need.
First of all,
for a normal Persuasive Essay, you should acquire at least 3 points (for it or opposing) an introduction and a conclusion.
Conclusion and introduction should be at LEAST 2-3 sentences, one sentence will not do.
You have to think of logical evidence. Saying that "This is execrable since children would get bad test marks and fail in exams", is particularly weak. Phones cannot be blamed for bad marks in tests, instead, the person themselves.
Just want to give you a tip for commas and full stops.
After you use a , (comma) or . (full stop), you should put a space after it.
Like: First of all, this .... work. However
(Note this is only needed for digital devices but for selective exams you should leave a little space after all the fullstops, colon, semicolon, commas, !? etc.
Keep working hard!
Thanks for the constructive feedback!!
Yeah,my points are pretty weak,I feel like I exaggerate way too much on my persuasive essays.
I always do my conclusion 1 sentence since I have like 30 seconds left lol,probably gonna leave extra time for my conclusion from now on.
I never knew that I needed to put gaps between words n commas,interesting.Thanks for informing me.
I’ll probably try to make my essays n reading comp better so I can go fine on the test.
Thanks for marking my essay ;D
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Ok. This is my take on it
Topic:Should mobile devices/devices in class be allowed?
In this day and age,the amount of children who are bringing phones to class is rapidly increasing proof? source?.The question that strikes everyone is whethershould mobile devices in class be allowed should be allowed during class time?Mobile devices in class should not be allowed as children can secretly play on their device and the battery of the phone will easily become dead. ok... true that battery of the phone will easily become dead, but so what? whose fault is it that the battery is dead? not a good point
To start off with, children can go on their device secretly if devices are allowed.Many children already go on their phone in class to play games or check social media again, where's the proof? is this persuasive piece from personal experience or is there a source?.This is execrable since children would get bad test marks and fail in exams (you sure this is why children fail?).A solution to this can be not allowing phones in class (follow up with this, what punishment is there if students DO bring in their phones either way?).Many would think that this is a harsh rule but it is actually lenient since many parents do not even allow their children to have phones ((example?).This highlights why mobile devices in class should be banned.
In addition,mobile devices will easily be flat if they are allowed in class.If children go on their phones during class,the phone’s battery will easily be dead.If this happens,a parent may also be unable to contact their child.If phones are not allowed during class,many children would work finer and the atmosphere would be more peaceful (why will children work 'finer' and why would the atmosphere be more peaceful? elaborate).This exemplifies why phones should be banned during class. so you're pretty much saying that most students use their phones until their battery dies, which is perilous because their parents can't contact them?
Many argue that phones and other devices can help you study and concentrate.However,this is not true (what you said right here means that no matter how you use your phone or any other personal devices, you can never concentrate on your work) as it is known that phones make children procrastinate during class a lot.Are you sure? I definitely know that with the right music, work can be done.For example,if as a student is ‘working’ on their phones,a message might pop up and the student might go on messages.This problem would not occur I’d if phones are not allowed during class.Hence,this is an invalid point to make as it is not justified well by the reality of the proposed situation. bad wording
To conclude,phones should be banned during class as children can play on them and the phone’s battery can run out.
[/quote]
Overall:
To be BRUTALLY honest, I don't think this piece is persuasive at all. The battery argument is not well thought out and your grammar still needs work. Your conclusion is quite weak, you literally just regurgitated the same thing you wrote in your introduction (judging that it is 15 mins, this conclusion is better than nothing I guess)
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Ok. This is my take on it
Topic:Should mobile devices/devices in class be allowed?
In this day and age,the amount of children who are bringing phones to class is rapidly increasing proof? source?.The question that strikes everyone is whethershould mobile devices in class be allowed should be allowed during class time?Mobile devices in class should not be allowed as children can secretly play on their device and the battery of the phone will easily become dead. ok... true that battery of the phone will easily become dead, but so what? whose fault is it that the battery is dead? not a good point
To start off with, children can go on their device secretly if devices are allowed.Many children already go on their phone in class to play games or check social media again, where's the proof? is this persuasive piece from personal experience or is there a source?.This is execrable since children would get bad test marks and fail in exams (you sure this is why children fail?).A solution to this can be not allowing phones in class (follow up with this, what punishment is there if students DO bring in their phones either way?).Many would think that this is a harsh rule but it is actually lenient since many parents do not even allow their children to have phones ((example?).This highlights why mobile devices in class should be banned.
In addition,mobile devices will easily be flat if they are allowed in class.If children go on their phones during class,the phone’s battery will easily be dead.If this happens,a parent may also be unable to contact their child.If phones are not allowed during class,many children would work finer and the atmosphere would be more peaceful (why will children work 'finer' and why would the atmosphere be more peaceful? elaborate).This exemplifies why phones should be banned during class. so you're pretty much saying that most students use their phones until their battery dies, which is perilous because their parents can't contact them?
Many argue that phones and other devices can help you study and concentrate.However,this is not true (what you said right here means that no matter how you use your phone or any other personal devices, you can never concentrate on your work) as it is known that phones make children procrastinate during class a lot.Are you sure? I definitely know that with the right music, work can be done.For example,if as a student is ‘working’ on their phones,a message might pop up and the student might go on messages.This problem would not occur I’d if phones are not allowed during class.Hence,this is an invalid point to make as it is not justified well by the reality of the proposed situation. bad wording
To conclude,phones should be banned during class as children can play on them and the phone’s battery can run out.
Overall:
To be BRUTALLY honest, I don't think this piece is persuasive at all. The battery argument is not well thought out and your grammar still needs work. Your conclusion is quite weak, you literally just regurgitated the same thing you wrote in your introduction (judging that it is 15 mins, this conclusion is better than nothing I guess)
Thanks for being honest!
Probably gonna need to improve my persuasive ALOT lol!
Btw I have like 20 essays in my book which all have the same 1 sentence conclusion :-X
My grammar needs to be improved as well,I just write and don’t think lol.
Again,thanks for marking my essay!💪🏻
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Ok no worries.
Won't mind marking a few more essays if you get them in by tomorrow or tonight as I am busy the next week.
Alright,thanks for marking my essays!Gonna upload a few more :)
Btw,I’ll upload 2 that I did like a few days ago and the last one will be a persuasive I wrote today AFTER yall feedback.
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Ok,so this is my creative essay(hopefully better than my persuasive lol)
This is one of the few essays I can find in my book which I wrote in the holidays where the character does NOT die at the end.It’sstill depressing lol
Topic:Use the sentence”If only I could change one thing about myself”.
I finally arrive at the herd of kids, school. My mum kisses me on the cheek and wishes me good luck for my first day at school. I shove my hands deep down my pocket and tighten my scarf. As I slowly stagger to the door,I wish if I wore my mask.Just when I open the massive door of Saint Joseph’s Middle School, there is silence.Pin drop silence.
As I drift past many kids, each one of them tried to avoid me.Suddenly,one girl accidently touches me and she screamed from the top of her lungs. Everyone just seemed to stare with astonishment,because of how stupid the girl was even to accidently touch me.
Instead of strolling,I decide to bolt past the hallway and get to my home group.I could hear music playing from the outside.As soon as I open the door, everyone turns their faces towards me,and they freeze.Even the music stops.
I thrive to get home,I wish I can teleport home.I find five seats empty,but someone immediately puts their hands over them and asserts “occupied”.
“Come on guys, give him a seat,”commands the teacher.
No one moves.
“I will call the principal if you guys do not give the child a seat,”snapped the teacher.
No one still moves.
I race out of the room,trembling. I bolt back home and go into my cave made out of pillows.I probably as much litres as the ocean holds.
If only, I could change one thing about myself.It would be to fit in the crowd.Not have one eye,or two mouths,or boogers around my face and hands.
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Topic:Use the sentence”If only I could change one thing about myself”.
I finally arrive at the herd of kidsherd usually refers to animals, school ??? very confusing. if you arrived at school then why was the 'herd of kids' bit necessary?. My mum kisses me on the cheek and wishes me good luck for my first day at school. I shove my hands deep down my pocket and tighten my scarf (nice!). As I slowly stagger to the door (what door? be specific),I wish if I wore my mask I wish I had worn a mask though i believe this still doesn't make any sense - weird correlation.Just when as I open the massive door of Saint Joseph’s Middle School, there is silence.Pin drop silence. not bad, needs rewording. In the 'As I slowly stagger to the door' bit, you should have initially mentioned that it was Saint Joseph's Middle School's school door instead of mentioning it later
As I drift past many kids, each one of them it seems as if everyone is avoiding me. Suddenly, agirl accidentally touches me which triggers a clamorous scream Everyone just seems to stares with astonishment because of how stupid the girl isto even touch me. ok...
Instead of strolling,I decide to bolt past the hallway and get to my home group.I could hear music playing from the outside.As soon as I open the door, everyone turns their faces towards me,and they freeze.Even the music stops. The music stops with everyone freezing and looking towards me.
I thrive to get home,I wish I can teleport home.I find five seats empty,but someone immediately puts their hands over them and asserts “occupied”. meh. needs rewording
“Come on guys, give him a seat,”commands the teacher.
No one moves.
“I will call the principal if you guys do not give the child a seat,”snapped the teacher. a bit cliche, have you actually heard any teacher threatening to call the principal?
Still, no one moves.
I race out of the room,trembling. I bolt back home and go into my cave made out of pillows.I probably as much litres as the ocean holds. what does this mean?
If only I could change one thing about myself.It would be to fit in the crowd.Not have one eye,or two mouths,or boogers around my face and hands.
(not necessary)
Feedback:
- Not bad, I can definitely imagine this scene in my head.
- Your introduction is pretty good, however your creativity started to slowly become childish after that (sorry bout' that)
- Grammar needs a bit of work.
- Stick with the same tense, please.
- Conclusion: 'If only I could change one thing about myself.It would be to fit in the crowd.' don't repeat the title anywhere in your essay, this just makes you a parrot. If only you elaborated to why you wanted to fit in the crowd, this would have been a very heart-touching conclusion
Edit: Sorry, my apologies, I did not read the topic sentence clearly. To add onto your conclusion, all you need to do is to elaborate it and make it touch home for readers :)
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Topic:Use the sentence”If only I could change one thing about myself”.
I finally arrive at the herd of kidsherd usually refers to animals, school ??? very confusing. if you arrived at school then why was the 'herd of kids' bit necessary?. My mum kisses me on the cheek and wishes me good luck for my first day at school. I shove my hands deep down my pocket and tighten my scarf (nice!). As I slowly stagger to the door (what door? be specific),I wish if I wore my mask I wish I had worn a mask though i believe this still doesn't make any sense - weird correlation.Just when as I open the massive door of Saint Joseph’s Middle School, there is silence.Pin drop silence. not bad, needs rewording. In the 'As I slowly stagger to the door' bit, you should have initially mentioned that it was Saint Joseph's Middle School's school door instead of mentioning it later
As I drift past many kids, each one of them it seems as if everyone is avoiding me. Suddenly, agirl accidentally touches me which triggers a clamorous scream Everyone just seems to stares with astonishment because of how stupid the girl isto even touch me. ok...
Instead of strolling,I decide to bolt past the hallway and get to my home group.I could hear music playing from the outside.As soon as I open the door, everyone turns their faces towards me,and they freeze.Even the music stops. The music stops with everyone freezing and looking towards me.
I thrive to get home,I wish I can teleport home.I find five seats empty,but someone immediately puts their hands over them and asserts “occupied”. meh. needs rewording
“Come on guys, give him a seat,”commands the teacher.
No one moves.
“I will call the principal if you guys do not give the child a seat,”snapped the teacher. a bit cliche, have you actually heard any teacher threatening to call the principal?
Still, no one moves.
I race out of the room,trembling. I bolt back home and go into my cave made out of pillows.I probably as much litres as the ocean holds. what does this mean?
If only I could change one thing about myself.It would be to fit in the crowd.Not have one eye,or two mouths,or boogers around my face and hands.
(not necessary)
Feedback:
- Not bad, I can definitely imagine this scene in my head.
- Your introduction is pretty good, however your creativity started to slowly become childish after that (sorry bout' that)
- Grammar needs a bit of work.
- Stick with the same tense, please.
- Conclusion: 'If only I could change one thing about myself.It would be to fit in the crowd.' don't repeat the title anywhere in your essay, this just makes you a parrot. If only you elaborated to why you wanted to fit in the crowd, this would have been a very heart-touching conclusion
Edit: Sorry, my apologies, I did not read the topic sentence clearly. To add onto your conclusion, all you need to do is to elaborate it and make it touch home for readers :)
Thanks for the constructive feedback!
I reread my essay and it sounded so cringe lol.
Same tense...I’m so bad at doing that.
I think I might try to write an essay in 14 minutes and use 1 minute to check,so grammar errors don’t occur.
Lol idk what I was thinking when I wrote herd
And what do you mean by elaborate it to make it heart-touching?
I wrote a persuasive essay rn and I’ll probably upload it.I tried to do it considering the feedback you guys gave.Thanks for the help
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Thanks for the constructive feedback!
I reread my essay and it sounded so cringe lol.
Same tense...I’m so bad at doing that.
I think I might try to write an essay in 14 minutes and use 1 minute to check,so grammar errors don’t occur.
Lol idk what I was thinking when I wrote herd
And what do you mean by elaborate it to make it heart-touching?
I wrote a persuasive essay rn and I’ll probably upload it.I tried to do it considering the feedback you guys gave.Thanks for the help
By 'elaborate it to make it heart-touching', I meant try making the conclusion relatable to the readers. Everyone has gone through a phase where they've been left out at something, you could have added something like 'I just want to be liked by others' or something like that (yeh ik bit cliche). what this does is that it makes the readers know the situation of your character and what they've been through, which can be more heart-touching if they've also experience this feeling if that makes sense?
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By 'elaborate it to make it heart-touching', I meant try making the conclusion relatable to the readers. Everyone has gone through a phase where they've been left out at something, you could have added something like 'I just want to be liked by others' or something like that (yeh ik bit cliche). what this does is that it makes the readers know the situation of your character and what they've been through, which can be more heart-touching if they've also experience this feeling if that makes sense?
Ohh,thanks!makes sense rn!I will try to cooperate it in my other creatives with this sort of ending
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Here’s an essay I wrote with y’all feedback.BTW,I did my intro 3 para conclusion and I had 1 min 30 secs,so I did a mini rebuttal.
Topic:Should homework be banned?
Many people argue that homework should be banned, although, is it necessary? The word homework alone evokes many negative and positive connotations by students and teachers. Homework should not be banned as it is a great way to develop responsibilities and be punctual. It also makes a student become more intelligent. It also connects families together(weak argument).
Homework is a great way to develop responsibilities and be punctual. Many children who get homework usually hand it in time. This becomes a habit within the student and the student becomes punctual for every responsibility they get.For example, if a student gets a chore assigned to them by their parents, such as cleaning the dishes, they mostly complete it in time as they are used to having responsibilities and being punctual. This highlights why homework should not be banned.
In addition, a student becomes more intelligent if they do homework. There is a saying,’practice makes perfect.’
Some students find it hard to catch up in class, so they do homework at home. They keep practising their homework at home and soon become perfect. Homework makes the student study more which makes they will become more clever. If students are already ahead in class, the teachers can give them advanced homework which increases their knowledge. This indicates why homework should not be banned.
Finally, homework also connects families.Many students are not able to connect with their families because everyone is busy. With homework, the student can ask help from their parents, which also makes some bonding time. This exemplifies why homework should not be banned,
Many people argue that homework wastes time. However, many people have time to play video games and play outside,so why cannot they do their homework.(RAN OUT OF TIME FOR REBUTTAL CONCLUDING SENTENCE,I couldn’t even think of one)
To conclude, homework should not be banned. It is a great way for a student to develop responsibilities and become punctual. It also increases the knowledge of a student. It even creates some bonding between families. Now let us stand up and say yes to homework.
Btw,for anyone wondering,I did my conclusion before my rebuttal.Can anyone provide me with a rebuttal linking sentence?Thanks
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I feel like the main flaw in your essays it not your grammar, but instead, your ability to give us an idea of what is happening. From the two essays you've written, they both contradict (go against) each other and are difficult for readers to understand. You really need to re-read your essay and touch up on these flaws.
You still have 6 months!
Do not give up and STAY on ATAR notes in this thread, do not leave when school starts.
Thanks for marking it!I probably ain’t being descriptive.
My tenses :-\ probably gonna take a whole week to practice essays with the same tense.
Everything I visualise in my brain,I write it,I never show.I should’ve definitely described when I(the narrator)got home,I realised that.I am probably going to focus to perfect my tenses tommorow.
Thanks for the tips and giving me confidence!
Which school are you from?
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Topic:Should homework be banned?
Many people argue that homework should be banned, although, is it necessary? The word homework alone evokes many negative and positive connotations by students and teachers. (nice!) Homework should not be banned as it is a great way to develop responsibilities and be punctual (ok... in what way?). It also makes a student become more intelligent (how do you know?). It also connects families together(weak argument). ??? how does it connect families together?
Homework is a great way to develop responsibilities and be punctual. Many children who get homework usually hand it in time Nope. Bad argument.. This becomes a for the student and the student (don't repeat the same noun again) becomes punctual for every responsibility they get. For example, if a student gets a chore assigned to them by their parents, such as cleaning the dishes, they mostly complete it in time as they are used to having responsibilities and being punctual. This highlights why homework should not be banned. Honestly, pretty weak. How does homework make you more responsible? In fact, in this day and age, I'd probably argue that it's make people less responsible and punctual)
In addition, a student becomes more intelligent if they do homework. There is a saying,’practice makes perfect.’ (nope, 'practise makes perfect' is a rubbish saying. If you practise the wrong thing over and over, then you end up being perfect at being incorrect
Some students find it hard to catch up in class, so they do homework at home. (ok...) They keep practising their homework at home and soon become perfect. Homework makes the student study more which makes they will become more clever. If students are already ahead in class, the teachers can give them advanced homework which increases their knowledge. This indicates why homework should not be banned.your linking is not good
Finally, homework also connects families.Many students are not able to connect with their families because everyone is busy. With homework, the student can ask help from their parents, which also makes some bonding time. This exemplifies why homework should not be banned, who are your intended audience? i don't think my parents know anything about specialist maths. You literally had the same linking sentences as your previous paragraph, but replaced the 'indicates' with 'exemplifies'. Not a good look
Many people argue that homework wastes time. However, many people have time to play video games and play outside,so why cannot they do their homework.(RAN OUT OF TIME FOR REBUTTAL CONCLUDING SENTENCE,I couldn’t even think of one)
To conclude, homework should not be banned. It is a great way for a student to develop responsibilities and become punctual. It also increases the knowledge of a student. It even creates some bonding between families. Now let us stand up and say yes to homework. extremely cliche
Honestly, I really think you should be working on the harder topics. The topics you've done are what I expect from yr5-yr7 Naplan. Bear in mind that the selective exams aren't this easy.
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Topic:Should homework be banned?
Many people argue that homework should be banned, although, is it necessary? The word homework alone evokes many negative and positive connotations by students and teachers. (nice!) Homework should not be banned as it is a great way to develop responsibilities and be punctual (ok... in what way?). It also makes a student become more intelligent (how do you know?). It also connects families together(weak argument). ??? how does it connect families together?
Homework is a great way to develop responsibilities and be punctual. Many children who get homework usually hand it in time Nope. Bad argument.. This becomes a for the student and the student (don't repeat the same noun again) becomes punctual for every responsibility they get. For example, if a student gets a chore assigned to them by their parents, such as cleaning the dishes, they mostly complete it in time as they are used to having responsibilities and being punctual. This highlights why homework should not be banned. Honestly, pretty weak. How does homework make you more responsible? In fact, in this day and age, I'd probably argue that it's make people less responsible and punctual)
In addition, a student becomes more intelligent if they do homework. There is a saying,’practice makes perfect.’ (nope, 'practise makes perfect' is a rubbish saying. If you practise the wrong thing over and over, then you end up being perfect at being incorrect
Some students find it hard to catch up in class, so they do homework at home. (ok...) They keep practising their homework at home and soon become perfect. Homework makes the student study more which makes they will become more clever. If students are already ahead in class, the teachers can give them advanced homework which increases their knowledge. This indicates why homework should not be banned.your linking is not good
Finally, homework also connects families.Many students are not able to connect with their families because everyone is busy. With homework, the student can ask help from their parents, which also makes some bonding time. This exemplifies why homework should not be banned, who are your intended audience? i don't think my parents know anything about specialist maths. You literally had the same linking sentences as your previous paragraph, but replaced the 'indicates' with 'exemplifies'. Not a good look
Many people argue that homework wastes time. However, many people have time to play video games and play outside,so why cannot they do their homework.(RAN OUT OF TIME FOR REBUTTAL CONCLUDING SENTENCE,I couldn’t even think of one)
To conclude, homework should not be banned. It is a great way for a student to develop responsibilities and become punctual. It also increases the knowledge of a student. It even creates some bonding between families. Now let us stand up and say yes to homework. extremely cliche
Honestly, I really think you should be working on the harder topics. The topics you've done are what I expect from yr5-yr7 Naplan. Bear in mind that the selective exams aren't this easy.
Lol,yeah I agree with you.I was searching up random topics and i found “homework should be banned” so I did that cause it sounded super easy.
That’s what my teacher said lol,practice makes perfect is a bad saying as If someone practices the wrong thing.He said”Perfect practice makes perfect”.😂
Btw,I either get mucked up topics like ‘Sloths aren’t lazy,they are saving their energy.That energy is released today’ and ‘Last time I danced with death,I stepped on its toes’ and sometimes I get easy topics like ‘homework should be banned’ and ‘The beach’ lol.
For the family one,my intended audience were children,from year 1-year 12.Some parents are tutors and their kids can ask them for help.
My linking sentences are HORRIBLE,need help with them
4% battery,going to go off.
Thanks for marking my essays,bye!!
Wait,how does hw make kids less punctual.They make them punctual.If a kid gets hw everyday and hands them in,it becomes a habit to do everything on time(I exaggerate ALOT,maybe not).
Wait,your name is godnifty?Thought it was NiftyGOD
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'Wait,how does hw make kids less punctual.They make them punctual.If a kid gets hw everyday and hands them in,it becomes a habit to do everything on time(I exaggerate ALOT,maybe not).'
Everyone here at mhs got hw in yr 9 pretty much everyday, and you really think anyone actually handed them in ON time/at all? I know for sure that it became a habit for me to dodge hw instead of doing it :P
I get what you're saying, but you have to look at the bigger picture.
1% battery rn,I get what you’re saying.I get hw like once a month and I do it lol,if I get hw every day,I’d never do it.It would make me want to skip hw lol,I agree with you.
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Decent essay, but still you do not elaborate on your points and ideas. Some of your points are also illogical and irrelevant to the topic. You should use common sense for your points too.
Keep the good work up!
Thanks!
I probably should take some time to think better arguments.I take like 30 seconds to think of 2-3 arguments so I have more time to write but I don’t think it’s working.I should maybe write a plan down(1 min).Whenever I look at the topic,i Use the first argument that pops up in my brain.I used the weak argument cause I couldn’t think of any other arguments😐
I’ll probably write a creative which is more descriptive and evolves around one scene.
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That's ok! I advise you not to write 15 minutes essay as of now but instead, take however long it would to create a more meticulous and not rushed essay with less errors and then work on your time.
Ok,I’ll try that from now on.Thanks for the tip
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I’m probably going to write an essay tonight ;D
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Wrote another essay, again on paper. Took roughly 20-22 minutes to write on paper, but I had to copy it onto this forum. Any feedback would be recommended, especially regarding selective school exams.
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The topic is Social media brings about social, political and environmental change. Discuss.
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Social media plays an important role in many peoples lives. Social media networks like Twitter, Instagram and Facebook have reached new levels of communication convenience. However this isn't all, social media also brings about political, social and environmental changes too.
The addition of social media has increased connectiveness like never seen before. It is a space to share information, research and warnings, as well as marketing many things globally with the click of a button. On the other hand, the social changes of social media have also created mass cyber-bullying and feelings of inadequacy. The increased connectivity that social media has introduced creates more online harassers which verbally abuse social media users. Furthermore, the increased connectivity also allows celebrities and models profiles and pictures to be accessed by anyone, anywhere, creating feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy regarding ones own body.
Similarly, social media has also brought about several beneficial political changes. Now being a platform for goals and politicians to access the public and vice versa. However, there is a big shift in power to share information which can lead towards national security breaches, recruiting terrorists, Wikileaks, all of which are near impossible to prevent and pose a serious threat towards public safety and national security.
Furthermore, social media also indirectly affects the environment around us, now (due to the creation of social media) people can receive information nearly instantly on man-made or natural disasters and act as a global community. This means many countries can arrange contributions towards disaster relief. But, the increased attention to many sensitive and sacred areas from social media exposure, increasingly ruins and destroys these important areas from excessive and overwhelming tourism.
Social media certainly provides many social, environmental and political changes. Given this, it is more important than ever before for us to be aware of the benefits and negatives to social media.
Thanks for reading, looking forward to writing more essays to post on this forum.
Also, I am happy to mark essays as I feel like its a great way for me to improve my own writing too.
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Advice taken onboard, thanks for the feedback.
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Wrote another essay, again on paper. Took roughly 20-22 minutes to write on paper, but I had to copy it onto this forum. Any feedback would be recommended, especially regarding selective school exams.
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The topic is Social media brings about social, political and environmental change. Discuss.
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Social media plays an important role in many peoples lives. Social media networks like Twitter, Instagram and Facebook have reached new levels of communication convenience. However this isn't all, social media also brings about political, social and environmental changes too.INTRO NEEDS A BIT MORE DETAIL
The addition of social media has increased connectiveness like never seen before. It is a space to share information, research and warnings, as well as marketing many things globally with the click of a button.”click of a button...nice On the other hand, the social changes of social media have also created mass cyber-bullying and feelings of inadequacywhat does inadequacy mean?lol. The increased connectivity that social media has introduced creates more online harassers which verbally abuse social media users. Furthermore, the increased connectivity also allows celebrities and models profiles and pictures to be accessed by anyone, anywhere, creating feelings of self-loathing and inadequacy regarding ones own body.i like it Your argument is great.Sorry I’m new to marking and im not doing that good.FORGOT Linking tho
Similarly, social media has also brought about several beneficial political changes. Now being a platform for goals and politicians to access the public and vice versa. However, there is a big shift in power to share information which can lead towards national security breaches, recruiting terrorists, Wikileaks, all of which are near impossible to prevent and pose a serious threat towards public safety and national security.Again?No linking sentence,your grammar is decent tho.Couldve added more info.i think the argument is OK
Furthermore, social media also indirectly affects the environment around us, now (due to the creation of social media) people can receive information nearly instantly on man-made or natural disasters and act as a global community. This means many countries can arrange contributions towards disaster relief. But, the increased attention to many sensitive and sacred areas from social media exposure, increasingly ruins and destroys these important areas from excessive and overwhelming tourism.
NICE,no linking again tho.This para is like 2-3 sentences,add a linking and it would be better
Social media certainly provides many social, environmental and political changes. Given this, it is more important than ever before for us to be aware of the benefits and negatives to social media.Maybe more detail.idk,I’m bad with conclusions
Thanks for reading, looking forward to writing more essays to post on this forum.
Also, I am happy to mark essays as I feel like its a great way for me to improve my own writing too.
Overall,it was great. Did not find much grammar errors(maybe cause I’m bad at grammar)
Intro conclusion need bit more detail
Should’ve put info for 2nd argument(if time ran out,it’s fine)
Sorry,I can’t provide much criticism since I’m like a really bad marker lol.
Definitely better than mine,great job 8)
EDIT:I JUST saw the topic,so If I said your argument is bad or something,my bad.It said socially n politically in the topic.My bad
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Thanks for the feedback probot. Keep in mind we still have 5 months so there is definitely tons of time to improve in every aspect. We are already quite far ahead of everyone if we are practicing this early. Feel free to send in essays, I have time to correct them.
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Thanks for the feedback probot. Keep in mind we still have 5 months so there is definitely tons of time to improve in every aspect. We are already quite far ahead of everyone if we are practicing this early. Feel free to send in essays, I have time to correct them.
Thanks:)
U going for MHS?
I’ll probably upload an essay tonight,don’t have time rn since I’m at somebody’s house
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Yeah going for MHS, most likely won't get in, competition has been tough in the past few years apparently. However, 5 months is a long time to improve.
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Yeah going for MHS, most likely won't get in, competition has been tough in the past few years apparently. However, 5 months is a long time to improve.
Yeah, :)Competition is tough.However,your maths is strong and so is ur English(ur essays) so you have a decent chance. I might go for SCHS since comp is a big easier.(^_-)Let’s keep practising and hopefully, we will get in
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To be blatantly honest, pretty much all the asians sitting the test would be pretty good at math. There could be a chance that my math may be good in my eyes, but be considered pretty average in front of 3000 others. I've started covering trigonometry and am pretty much done with quadratics, but there is probably more than 11% of the competition miles ahead of me.
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To be blatantly honest, pretty much all the asians sitting the test would be pretty good at math. There could be a chance that my math may be good in my eyes, but be considered pretty average in front of 3000 others. I've started covering trigonometry and am pretty much done with quadratics, but there is probably more than 11% of the competition miles ahead of me.
Trigonometry is like one of the last steps,so your miles ahead.I finished trig but I’m not that good at quadratics yet lol
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Hey guys!MY first creative essay which was untimed.Took around a hour tho lol,including everything.Your feedback helped me write this essay,so thanks.
Topic:A secret killed your father and you know what it was.
My grandchildren asked me a really personal question, ”what happened on the worst week of your life”?I did not want to reply, but the inner of me wanted to spit it all out.Thay say, ’a problem shared is a problem halved’. I began on my story of how my dad passed away, the worst week of my life.
It was an ordinary day, for everyone except my maid who was also my girlfriend and I. My father was on his chair reading his newspaper. My maid was cooking tea,while I was playing with checkers, alone. My mum was gone to the city to get some loaf. Us villagers had no shops or hospitals nearby. My mum also took her horse with her.
Our maid had served my dad some tea. “How bout add some sugar, will ya”?,my dad asked. My maid put some sugar then went away with a smile on her face. She gave me a wink then I did my role.
“Want some biscuits?”I asked.
“Sure,”he responded.
My dad munched on the biscuits and then immediately passed away. Our maid had mixed some chemicals which make my father unconscious for a week. I was drowning in happiness, my mum was coming next week and my father was unconscious, my maid and I chilled alone at home.
We watched black and white television together, she did not have to do work and we had no interruptions. Life was perfect, until we visited the haunted house nearby. She insisted to go, I did not mind either, so we went. Little had we known of your unexpected deadly journey ahead of us.
The haunted hosuss was spooky, especially at 3am, but we did not believe in ghosts. We moseyed up the stairs, spiderwebs tangled my hands and my girlfriend had to take it apart. When my girlfriend slammed the door open in front of us, a gust of wind chilled the warm air in the room. I took my hands out of my pocket and loosened my scarf, fresh and ready for my journey ahead
I was already mentally tired of today, so I took a break by sitting down on the chair. Unfortunately, the chair cracked open and I was covered with cotton.
The haunted house red rug was the only thing which actually creeped me out. The design and the fact it had hieroglyphics written on it blew my mind. The hieroglyphics formed a phrase, “maid and you killed father”. That sounded familiar of our journey today, except for the fact that we did not kill our father, or did we?
I cruised upstairs and saw several statues there. My girlfriend was checking out the statues as well. The black eyes and red teeth, with three toes and one nipple,were people really like that back then? We decided to head back since nothing fascinating or haunting(except for the rug) was in the house. As my maid and I were leaving,a statue raced to my maid and snatched her.The statue’s three eyes were beaming constantly. I stared in disbelief. The statue mumbled a language that I tried to decipher, but could not. The statue chucked my girlfriend near me and she finally spoke in English.
“Your maid killed your father, she mixed poison instead of chemicals which make you unconscious.
She has to die, for the sins she has done.”
“My father had died?Oh no,” I thought.
The statue zapped my maid, and my maid passed away in front of my eyes.
I dashed downstairs. I accidently slipped while the statue was after me. I rapidly got up and kept dashing down. I threw a vase, a sofa, a chess game at the statue but nothing harmed it. At last,I kicked the door and bolted back to my house. That is when I opened my door, and saw my father laying down on his chair,with poison on his mouth. I should not have done this. I wanted to be like others, not having my life controlled by my father, atleast for a week.
A week later, my mum also came back. She did not eat, walk, or even ask me what happened for a whole day. She just sat on my father,crying. I cried as well, of course.
A day later, my mum died from depression. Funerals did not exist back then so I left my mum and dad alone, in the house. I rode our horse to the city, to live a new life. I found a lovely girl, which is my wife. She also asked questions of what happened to my parents, but I did not say anything. It was a secret, that killed my father.
As I finished my story of how my father passed away, which was the worst week of my life, my grandchildren were fast asleep.
TWO THINGS
1.the maid n girlfriend are the same person
2.Would (“How about add some sugar,will you”?,my father asked.)make sense? Eg,the comma after the question mark.
Thanks for reading 8)
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Please discuss other topics in another thread. Willing to you help with topics in Mathematics section but not in the Essay Marking Thread!
Yup,sure,my bad.
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First of all, I have not finished correcting your essay because a few points.
1. What you write is evidently contradicting your points that you state in the introduction
2. A creative essay is NOT a dialogue..
3. Creative essays require description, not just telling of the story..
4. Do not use words like "Maid and I chilled", this results in an extremely "cringey" essay.
I currently do not know if you are actually taking this seriously or not so I am hesitant to keep helping you mark..
Pfft,my bad.i tried to create this as a suspense essay with some plot twists and I screwed up.
Btw,this is the story of this guy who is telling his grandchildren the story of the worst week.him and the maid(which is also his girlfriend) made his father unconscious for a week.They went to the haunted house and saw creepy stuff and some hieroglyphics where it says they killed the father,but he thought they didn’t since they mixed chemicals which makes a person unconscious. They go upstairs and a statue comes to life,it informs that they killed the father by mixing poison instead(accidently).The statue kills the maid but the man escapes.The mum comes back to see that the dad is dead and dies as well from depression. The guy rides the horse to the city to live a new life,and never tells the secret that killed his father.
I re read the essay and it did not come out as it was in my brain lol.
Btw,there were some typos while writing which weren’t there in my essay,sorry about that.
I shouldn’tve told the story,I realised at the end but didn’t change it.
Btw the guy was drowning in happiness for like 30mins cause he’s dad was unconscious.
My bad lol, bad essay.
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Topic:A secret killed your father and you know what it was.
My grandchildren asked me a really personal question, ”what happened on the worst week of your life”? I did not want to reply, but the inner of me wanted to spit it all out. They say(use a better word instead of 'say'), ’a problem shared is a problem halved’. I began on my story of how my dad passed away; the worst week of my life.
It was an ordinary day for everyone, except formy maid, who was also my girlfriend and I. (ok? your girlfriend is your maid?) My father was on his chair reading his newspaper. My maid was cooking tea,while I was playing with checkers, I was playing checkers while my girlfriend (bit derogative to call her a maid) was cooking tea and my father was sitting on his chair reading his newspaper. . My mum mother was not here as she left, with her horse, to get loaf(are you talking about bread? bit specific) as us villagers had no shops nearby .
Our maid had My girlfriendserved my dad tea.
“How bout add some sugar, will ya”?, (reword) my dad asked.
My girlfriend added sugar to his tea, then left with a smile on her face. She gave me a wink then I did my role (what does this mean?).
“Want some biscuits?” I asked.
“Sure,” he responded. weird transition, you didn't make it clear if you're talking to your dad or your girlfriend
My dad munched on the biscuits and then immediately passed away (??? how are you sure he passed away immediately? what you should have added are the events leading up to him passing out, like choking/coughing/looking pale etc.. Our maid had mixed some chemicals which made my father unconscious for a week (you just said he passed away, and now you wrote he was unconscious? did you mean to write he passed out?) . I was drowning in happiness, my mum was coming next week and my father was unconscious, my maid and I chilled alone at home. very very confused now. you were drowning in happiness because why? that your mum is coming next week AND your father is unconscious? i thought your father dying was something that was on your worst week of your life?
We watched black and white television together (don't really need to mention black and white), she did not have to do work and we had no interruptions. Life was perfect, until we visited the haunted house nearby. She insisted to go, I did not mind either, so we went. Little had we known of your unexpected deadly journey ahead of us. What? So your father is in a coma and then you carry on in your life? Kinda confused on why you brought up a haunted house
I'm stopping here. I'm marking you more on your creativity as opposed to your grammar, and as of now, your transitions have been unorthodox
I love that you don't give up on your aspirations to attend a selective school, however, I've noticed a pattern with your creative essays - they just don't make any sense. Your transitions are confusing to the point where I can not even imagine what's going on in my head.
Please, spend time planning before you commence writing.
Don't give up, you still have plenty of time :)
(BTW by no means am I insinuating that this is a bad essay, I'm just saying that it's evident you didn't plan clearly)
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Topic:A secret killed your father and you know what it was.
My grandchildren asked me a really personal question, ”what happened on the worst week of your life”? I did not want to reply, but the inner of me wanted to spit it all out. They say(use a better word instead of 'say'), ’a problem shared is a problem halved’. I began on my story of how my dad passed away; the worst week of my life.
It was an ordinary day for everyone, except formy maid, who was also my girlfriend and I. (ok? your girlfriend is your maid?) My father was on his chair reading his newspaper. My maid was cooking tea,while I was playing with checkers, I was playing checkers while my girlfriend (bit derogative to call her a maid) was cooking tea and my father was sitting on his chair reading his newspaper. . My mum mother was not here as she left, with her horse, to get loaf(are you talking about bread? bit specific) as us villagers had no shops nearby .
Our maid had My girlfriendserved my dad tea.
“How bout add some sugar, will ya”?, (reword) my dad asked.
My girlfriend added sugar to his tea, then left with a smile on her face. She gave me a wink then I did my role (what does this mean?).
“Want some biscuits?” I asked.
“Sure,” he responded. weird transition, you didn't make it clear if you're talking to your dad or your girlfriend
My dad munched on the biscuits and then immediately passed away (??? how are you sure he passed away immediately? what you should have added are the events leading up to him passing out, like choking/coughing/looking pale etc.. Our maid had mixed some chemicals which made my father unconscious for a week (you just said he passed away, and now you wrote he was unconscious? did you mean to write he passed out?) . I was drowning in happiness, my mum was coming next week and my father was unconscious, my maid and I chilled alone at home. very very confused now. you were drowning in happiness because why? that your mum is coming next week AND your father is unconscious? i thought your father dying was something that was on your worst week of your life?
We watched black and white television together (don't really need to mention black and white), she did not have to do work and we had no interruptions. Life was perfect, until we visited the haunted house nearby. She insisted to go, I did not mind either, so we went. Little had we known of your unexpected deadly journey ahead of us. What? So your father is in a coma and then you carry on in your life? Kinda confused on why you brought up a haunted house
I'm stopping here. I'm marking you more on your creativity as opposed to your grammar, and as of now, your transitions have been unorthodox
I love that you don't give up on your aspirations to attend a selective school, however, I've noticed a pattern with your creative essays - they just don't make any sense. Your transitions are confusing to the point where I can not even imagine what's going on in my head.
Please, spend time planning before you commence writing.
Don't give up, you still have plenty of time :)
(BTW by no means am I insinuating that this is a bad essay, I'm just saying that it's evident you didn't plan clearly)
Sorry lol,he didn’t pass away.Typo.
They go to the haunted house because the guy was immature then and stuff happen in the haunted house which (hopefully) explains stuff lol
It was meant to be a thriller story lol,the maid accidently mixed poison instead,the statue gives info.
For creative essays,I probably should stick with one scene lol
My bad :-\
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Sorry lol,he didn’t pass away.Typo.
They go to the haunted house because the guy was immature then and stuff happen in the haunted house which (hopefully) explains stuff lol
It was meant to be a thriller story lol,the maid accidently mixed poison instead,the statue gives info.
For creative essays,I probably should stick with one scene lol
My bad :-\
All good man, you learn as you go and it's great you are identifying your mistakes :)
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Persuasive essay I wrote.Tried to make it a bit ‘different’ from my other ones.NOTE:Took over 30 mins,it was untimed.btw,I used a bit of ‘us’,idk why I did it,it sounded more persuasive
Topic:Parents have no rights to control their child’s life who is at 16 or over 16.
We see adolescents in today’s era as people who hardly stay home and stay with their friends outside, but do we really know what they are doing? Parents need to control their child’s life as the child can lead to a prosperous and happy life. The parent also needs to monitor their child to prevent him/her from doing drugs.The parent also needs to prevent their child from doing thefts or terrorist attacks.
First and foremost, parents should control their child’s life so the child leads to a happy and prosperous life.Many children drop out at year ten so they can relax and not study in the future. The child can just keep spending their parents money and have not much knowledge. They would have to do jobs in the future such as pushing trolleys, cleaning toilets and even being jobless. But If a parent is closely monitoring their life, they can force their child to do further studies. Those further studies will most likely make the child do a good job that gives good money. More money leads to living a prosperous life and not having to suffer at old age because of money issues. Money also leads you to having your dream house built so one can be happy. With this in mind, parents should control their child’s life even if they are over sixteen so the child can lead to having a great job and leading to a happy and prosperous life.
In addition, a parent should monitor their child’s life so the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs. Many adolescents are curious about drugs. That ask themselves many questions,such as ‘what are drugs’?,’why are they addicting’?, or even ‘I should try them out’. Once an adolescent has tried a drug,they become addicted to the drug,which also leads to them to dying at a early age? Who wants to die at a early age? Drugs also lead to waste of money as many drugs are expensive and people are constantly buying them.Take cigarettes for example,many people are buying them everyday,and a 24 pack cigarette is over $150.If any person buys them for 10 years,a 24 pack per week it would lead to a massive $7800 gone in waste. All of this would not happen if the parent warns the child to not take drugs. If the child still wants drugs, the parents can ground them. This means that the child will eventually stop thinking about drugs. A parent can change an adolescent’s life. Hence, parents have the right to control their child’s life as the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs.
Finally,parents can prevent their child from doing a terrorism attack or theft. Take a moment and think, have you seen a teenage group doing something dodgy while you were walking down the pathway or walking out of a shopping centre? Well,most of us have. Many adolescents are doing some thefts and even terrorism attacks. Believe it or not,young sixteen years old who should be studying for a test are, instead, planning the next terrorism attack. Many people wonder ‘why do they do it’?Or ‘what do they get from it’. But no one asks the main question, why are not their parents stopping them from doing these attacks or thefts? This is because the parent thinks its acceptable for adolescebts to do whatever they want at the age of sixteen. However,if the parent closely monitors their child and prevents the child from meeting the ‘bad’ kids who do these thefts with him,this world would have a much less crime rate. Therefore, parents need to control their child’s life so the child does not do a terrorist attack or theft.
Many people argue that some parents are too strict and they basically choose a life for their child. However, the child obviously has a right to talk if the parent is planning too choose their life partner for him/her without permission. That is way too extreme. Strict parents can also change their child’s life for the better. No parent would want their child to be sad or homeless. Hence, parents can be too strict but they usually do it for the better.
To conclude, parents should have control over their child’s life even if the child is 16 or over as it leads to having a prosperous and happy life. If parents control their child’s life,it also prevents the child from doing drugs. It even prohibits their child from doing terrorist attacks or thefts.
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NOTE: Do not use personal pronouns in your essays. Ever.
Topic:Parents have no rights to control their child’s life who is at 16 or over 16.
We see adolescents in today’s era as people who hardly stay home and stay with their friends outside (based off what?), but do we really know what they are doing? Parents need to control their child’s life as the child can lead to a prosperous and happy life (pretty vague). The parent also needs to monitor their child to prevent him/her from doing drugs (how? give an outline).The parent also needs to prevent their child from doing thefts or terrorist attacks. (...seriously?)
First and foremost, parents should control their child’s life so the child leads to a happy and prosperous life.Many children drop out at year ten so they can relax and not study in the future is this anecdotal? where are you getting this from?. The child can just keep spending their parents money and have not much knowledge ??? too vague. They would have to do jobs in the future such as pushing trolleys, cleaning toilets and even being jobless (why are you disparaging trolley pushers and toilet cleaners? are you saying that 'dropouts' resolve to work as them? these are real jobs!). But If a parent is closely monitoring their life, they can force their child to do further studies. Those further studies will most likely make the child do a good job that gives good money (example...). More money leads to living a prosperous life and not having to suffer at old age because of money issues (bad argument, does money buy happiness?). Money also leads you to having your dream house built so one can be happy (Not a good point at all). With this in mind, parents should control their child’s life even if they are over sixteen so the child can lead to having a great job and leading to a happy and prosperous life. (you need to stop regurgitating what you wrote before into your conclusion. word it differently next time)
In addition, a parent should monitor their child’s life so the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs. Many adolescents are curious about drugs (proof?). That ask themselves many questions,such as ‘what are drugs’?,’why are they addicting’?, or even ‘I should try them out’. Once an adolescent has tried a drug,they become addicted to the drug ((give me an example!!! you're acting as if any adolescent that has tried a drug for the first time is hooked instantly), which also leads to them to dying at a early age? Who wants to die at a early age?(don't include this) Drugs also lead to waste of money as many drugs are expensive and people are constantly buying them.Take cigarettes for example,many people are buying them everyday ((again, where are you getting this?),and a 24 pack cigarette is over $150.If any person buys them for 10 years,a 24 pack per week it would lead to a massive $7800 gone in waste. All of this would not happen if the parent warns the child to not take drugs (super weak, where's the emphasis in this phrasing?). If the child still wants drugs, the parents can ground them (you really think grounding them works 100% of the time?). This means that the child will eventually stop thinking about drugs (What??? Are you sure?). A parent can change an adolescent’s life. Hence, parents have the right to control their child’s life as the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs.
Finally,parents can prevent their child from doing a terrorism attack or theft. (come on man, seriously?) Take a moment and think, have you seen a teenage group doing something dodgy while you were walking down the pathway or walking out of a shopping centre? Well,most of us have. Many adolescents are doing some thefts and even terrorism attacks. Believe it or not,young sixteen years old who should be studying for a test are, instead, planning the next terrorism attack. Many people wonder ‘why do they do it’?Or ‘what do they get from it’. But no one asks the main question, why are not their parents stopping them from doing these attacks or thefts? This is because the parent thinks its acceptable for adolescebts to do whatever they want at the age of sixteen. However,if the parent closely monitors their child and prevents the child from meeting the ‘bad’ kids who do these thefts with him,this world would have a much less crime rate. Therefore, parents need to control their child’s life so the child does not do a terrorist attack or theft. I'm sorry, but at this stage, your points are getting comical instead of persuasive. Just read this point for yourself 'Believe it or not,young sixteen years old who should be studying for a test are, instead, planning the next terrorism attack.'
Many people argue that some parents are too strict and they basically choose a life for their child. However, the child obviously has a right to talk if the parent is planning too choose their life partner for him/her without permission. That is way too extreme. Strict parents can also change their child’s life for the better. No parent would want their child to be sad or homeless. Hence, parents can be too strict but they usually do it for the better.
To conclude, parents should have control over their child’s life even if the child is 16 or over as it leads to having a prosperous and happy life. If parents control their child’s life,it also prevents the child from doing drugs. It even prohibits their child from doing terrorist attacks or thefts.
- Minor improvements from last time.
- Did you plan your last point out? It was not good at all. Really man? 16 year olds planning terrorist attacks instead of studying?
- STOP making your essays based on your thoughts man, use facts.
- Next time, plan out your essay, AND THEN ask yourself whether it's logical or not
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NOTE: Do not use personal pronouns in your essays. Ever.
Topic:Parents have no rights to control their child’s life who is at 16 or over 16.
We see adolescents in today’s era as people who hardly stay home and stay with their friends outside (based off what?), but do we really know what they are doing? Parents need to control their child’s life as the child can lead to a prosperous and happy life (pretty vague). The parent also needs to monitor their child to prevent him/her from doing drugs (how? give an outline).The parent also needs to prevent their child from doing thefts or terrorist attacks. (...seriously?)
First and foremost, parents should control their child’s life so the child leads to a happy and prosperous life.Many children drop out at year ten so they can relax and not study in the future is this anecdotal? where are you getting this from?. The child can just keep spending their parents money and have not much knowledge ??? too vague. They would have to do jobs in the future such as pushing trolleys, cleaning toilets and even being jobless (why are you disparaging trolley pushers and toilet cleaners? are you saying that 'dropouts' resolve to work as them? these are real jobs!). But If a parent is closely monitoring their life, they can force their child to do further studies. Those further studies will most likely make the child do a good job that gives good money (example...). More money leads to living a prosperous life and not having to suffer at old age because of money issues (bad argument, does money buy happiness?). Money also leads you to having your dream house built so one can be happy (Not a good point at all). With this in mind, parents should control their child’s life even if they are over sixteen so the child can lead to having a great job and leading to a happy and prosperous life. (you need to stop regurgitating what you wrote before into your conclusion. word it differently next time)
In addition, a parent should monitor their child’s life so the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs. Many adolescents are curious about drugs (proof?). That ask themselves many questions,such as ‘what are drugs’?,’why are they addicting’?, or even ‘I should try them out’. Once an adolescent has tried a drug,they become addicted to the drug ((give me an example!!! you're acting as if any adolescent that has tried a drug for the first time is hooked instantly), which also leads to them to dying at a early age? Who wants to die at a early age?(don't include this) Drugs also lead to waste of money as many drugs are expensive and people are constantly buying them.Take cigarettes for example,many people are buying them everyday ((again, where are you getting this?),and a 24 pack cigarette is over $150.If any person buys them for 10 years,a 24 pack per week it would lead to a massive $7800 gone in waste. All of this would not happen if the parent warns the child to not take drugs (super weak, where's the emphasis in this phrasing?). If the child still wants drugs, the parents can ground them (you really think grounding them works 100% of the time?). This means that the child will eventually stop thinking about drugs (What??? Are you sure?). A parent can change an adolescent’s life. Hence, parents have the right to control their child’s life as the parent can prevent the child from doing drugs.
Finally,parents can prevent their child from doing a terrorism attack or theft. (come on man, seriously?) Take a moment and think, have you seen a teenage group doing something dodgy while you were walking down the pathway or walking out of a shopping centre? Well,most of us have. Many adolescents are doing some thefts and even terrorism attacks. Believe it or not,young sixteen years old who should be studying for a test are, instead, planning the next terrorism attack. Many people wonder ‘why do they do it’?Or ‘what do they get from it’. But no one asks the main question, why are not their parents stopping them from doing these attacks or thefts? This is because the parent thinks its acceptable for adolescebts to do whatever they want at the age of sixteen. However,if the parent closely monitors their child and prevents the child from meeting the ‘bad’ kids who do these thefts with him,this world would have a much less crime rate. Therefore, parents need to control their child’s life so the child does not do a terrorist attack or theft. I'm sorry, but at this stage, your points are getting comical instead of persuasive. Just read this point for yourself 'Believe it or not,young sixteen years old who should be studying for a test are, instead, planning the next terrorism attack.'
Many people argue that some parents are too strict and they basically choose a life for their child. However, the child obviously has a right to talk if the parent is planning too choose their life partner for him/her without permission. That is way too extreme. Strict parents can also change their child’s life for the better. No parent would want their child to be sad or homeless. Hence, parents can be too strict but they usually do it for the better.
To conclude, parents should have control over their child’s life even if the child is 16 or over as it leads to having a prosperous and happy life. If parents control their child’s life,it also prevents the child from doing drugs. It even prohibits their child from doing terrorist attacks or thefts.
- Minor improvements from last time.
- Did you plan your last point out? It was not good at all. Really man? 16 year olds planning terrorist attacks instead of studying?
- STOP making your essays based on your thoughts man, use facts.
- Next time, plan out your essay, AND THEN ask yourself whether it's logical or not
First of all,thanks for marking.
I couldn’t think of any better arguments for this topic, I planned this
How would I use facts,I don’t have any prior knowledge about the topic, I tried not to use any ‘fake statistics’ like 50% of adolescents are not studying(not true)
I can use facts if i was allowed to use the net
I shouldntve said the trolley pushers and toilet cleaners,my bad.
I’ll try to make my arguments stronger next time,that was the best that my mind can think of. :(
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Hi guys! I wrote this creative essay with the feedback you guys gave, not doing some stuff that do not make sense.So, thanks for the feeedback. I feel like this one was my best one so far, but before this,I looked up for some show not tells(lol).This was around 17-20 minutes but make that 30 since I’ll keep editing it while I’m copying it here from my book.
Topic:The picture of a old wooden house(FIRST picture topic btw)
I have paraskevidekatriphobia, and today was Friday the 13th. My home was soon being demolished, but I did not expect that the day would come this fast. I stare at my house,the crooked door and the plain bricks are a reason why this house is so unique. I bolt towards the house, and slam the door open. The black door and the wooden floor which I broke my arm on, even the execrable things were becoming great memories.
Why has my house become obsolete? Modern double story homes are taking over the world, but that does not mean anyone has permission to destroy this house. Tears streamed down my face as I lied down on the bed I slept for seventy one years.
The marvellous window with spiderwebs on it,oh this house will be remembered forever. The voice of the wrecking ball made me soon realise that I had to soon bid farewell to this ancient house. As I amble out of this exceptional house, I forget one last thing. My photo.
I dash to grab my photo from the bed. I hug it as tight as I can,wiping my tears from my eyes. I stare at the photo with despair. My late mother,my late father and I,what a lovely picture I thought.
The sadness drained me through rather than skating over my skin,it travelled through every cell of my body.
I reach outside,hugging my favourite pole. It was time, for the house to be destroyed. The gentle scent of the roses kindled memories of summer gone from the hit of a wrecking ball. How would you feel if your home got destroyed?
I have one big problem guys btw,my tense.I changed it while I was editing, but I hope it doesn’t flicker from past to present every time. Thanks for reading
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Hi guys! I wrote this creative essay with the feedback you guys gave, not doing some stuff that do not make sense.So, thanks for the feeedback. I feel like this one was my best one so far, but before this,I looked up for some show not tells(lol).This was around 17-20 minutes but make that 30 since I’ll keep editing it while I’m copying it here from my book.
Topic:The picture of a old wooden house(FIRST picture topic btw)
I have paraskevidekatriphobia, and today was Friday the 13th. Don't use unnecessary and plain awkward words like this, the examiner will not search up the word and will just assume you must have made up some random gibberish and called it a phobia. They will not know this connects to the day that you are talking about. Literally just write something like I have a fear of the 13th of Friday, and it just so happens that today is Friday the 13th. My home was soon being demolished, but I did not expect that the day would come this fast. I stare at my house,the crooked door and the plain bricks are a reason why this house is so unique. I bolt towards the house, and slam the door open. The black door and the wooden floor which I broke my arm on, even the execrable things were becoming great memories. I looked at the old, black door and the mahogany colored wooden floor, which I had once broke my arm on. At this moment, I had realised that even the most insignificant and execrable moments are becoming cherished wholeheartedly. Like an elderly couple living their last years with each other as much as they can.
Decent paragraph, needs more description. The test needs more showing and less telling. Usually I'd slot in personification + metaphors as much as I can to score bonus marks for sentences. Also don't use paraskevidekatriphobia, no assessor will know what it means nor will they search it up. Just don't use it.
Why has my house become obsolete? Modern double story homes are taking over the world, but that does not mean anyone has permission to destroy this house. Tears streamed down my face as I lied down on the bed I have slept for on for not just for seventy one years. Yeah why do they have permission to destroy your house? Isn't that illegal? Please explain more into why they have permission to destroy your house, in contrast to writing a plot hole.
The marvellous window with spiderwebs on it, oh this house will be remembered forever. The voice of the wrecking ball made me soon realise that I had to soon bid farewell to this ancient house. As I amble out of this exceptional house, I forget one last thing. My photo.
I dash to grab my photo from the bed. I hug it as tight as I can,wiping my tears from my eyes. I stare at the photo with despair. My late mother,my late father and I, My late mother, father and I.what a lovely picture I thought.
The sadness drained me through rather than skating over my skin,it travelled through every cell of my body. Add this onto the previous paragraph or paragraph ahead. A one sentence para is not structurally appropriate.
I reach outside,hugging my favourite pole. Pole? Really? Pick anything but a pole, even tree sounds better.It was time, for the house to be destroyed. Say my house, adds a little bit more of emotion The gentle scent of the roses kindled memories of summer gone from the hit of a wrecking ball. Nice sentence, I'd suggest adding on a metaphor if you have time, it makes it 2x better. How would you feel if your home got destroyed?I don't like rhetorical questions, they are usually weak and you never want to talk to your reader in this piece, they are invisible spectators in a way.
I have one big problem guys btw,my tense.I changed it while I was editing, but I hope it doesn’t flicker from past to present every time. Thanks for readingAlways write in past tense in these 15 minute essays, its just so much easier and better sounding. Try to learn this habit.
There are some improvements needed in your writing. Although there were less grammatical errors as the previous essay I marked, there are just misfitted words or phrases everywhere in your writing. It's fine, it used to happen often for me too. I'd suggest re-reading each sentence and think does that word/phrase belong there? The essay itself had some description, but not enough to stand out. It's more of a showing and less of a telling type of essay you are trying to write. It leaves more of an impression on the assessors. I've also noticed the flow and paragraph structure is all over the place. Keep around 4 nice balanced paragraphs and flow your essay accordingly. From intro, initiation, climax and conclusion.
Keep writing, it will improve over time. I didn't correct all the grammar issues and stuff too btw.
EDIT: I didn't notice that you hadn't even asked for feedback on this essay. My bad. I was a little stubborn and took it upon myself to mark it. Apologies.
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Hi guys! I wrote this creative essay with the feedback you guys gave, not doing some stuff that do not make sense.So, thanks for the feeedback. I feel like this one was my best one so far, but before this,I looked up for some show not tells(lol).This was around 17-20 minutes but make that 30 since I’ll keep editing it while I’m copying it here from my book.
Topic:The picture of a old wooden house(FIRST picture topic btw)
I have paraskevidekatriphobia, and today was Friday the 13th. Don't use unnecessary and plain awkward words like this, the examiner will not search up the word and will just assume you must have made up some random gibberish and called it a phobia. They will not know this connects to the day that you are talking about. Literally just write something like I have a fear of the 13th of Friday, and it just so happens that today is Friday the 13th. My home was soon being demolished, but I did not expect that the day would come this fast. I stare at my house,the crooked door and the plain bricks are a reason why this house is so unique. I bolt towards the house, and slam the door open. The black door and the wooden floor which I broke my arm on, even the execrable things were becoming great memories. I looked at the old, black door and the mahogany colored wooden floor, which I had once broke my arm on. At this moment, I had realised that even the most insignificant and execrable moments are becoming cherished wholeheartedly. Like an elderly couple living their last years with each other as much as they can.
Decent paragraph, needs more description. The test needs more showing and less telling. Usually I'd slot in personification + metaphors as much as I can to score bonus marks for sentences. Also don't use paraskevidekatriphobia, no assessor will know what it means nor will they search it up. Just don't use it.
Why has my house become obsolete? Modern double story homes are taking over the world, but that does not mean anyone has permission to destroy this house. Tears streamed down my face as I lied down on the bed I have slept for on for not just for seventy one years. Yeah why do they have permission to destroy your house? Isn't that illegal? Please explain more into why they have permission to destroy your house, in contrast to writing a plot hole.
The marvellous window with spiderwebs on it, oh this house will be remembered forever. The voice of the wrecking ball made me soon realise that I had to soon bid farewell to this ancient house. As I amble out of this exceptional house, I forget one last thing. My photo.
I dash to grab my photo from the bed. I hug it as tight as I can,wiping my tears from my eyes. I stare at the photo with despair. My late mother,my late father and I, My late mother, father and I.what a lovely picture I thought.
The sadness drained me through rather than skating over my skin,it travelled through every cell of my body. Add this onto the previous paragraph or paragraph ahead. A one sentence para is not structurally appropriate.
I reach outside,hugging my favourite pole. Pole? Really? Pick anything but a pole, even tree sounds better.It was time, for the house to be destroyed. Say my house, adds a little bit more of emotion The gentle scent of the roses kindled memories of summer gone from the hit of a wrecking ball. Nice sentence, I'd suggest adding on a metaphor if you have time, it makes it 2x better. How would you feel if your home got destroyed?I don't like rhetorical questions, they are usually weak and you never want to talk to your reader in this piece, they are invisible spectators in a way.
I have one big problem guys btw,my tense.I changed it while I was editing, but I hope it doesn’t flicker from past to present every time. Thanks for readingAlways write in past tense in these 15 minute essays, its just so much easier and better sounding. Try to learn this habit.
There are some improvements needed in your writing. Although there were less grammatical errors as the previous essay I marked, there are just misfitted words or phrases everywhere in your writing. It's fine, it used to happen often for me too. I'd suggest re-reading each sentence and think does that word/phrase belong there? The essay itself had some description, but not enough to stand out. It's more of a showing and less of a telling type of essay you are trying to write. It leaves more of an impression on the assessors. I've also noticed the flow and paragraph structure is all over the place. Keep around 4 nice balanced paragraphs and flow your essay accordingly. From intro, initiation, climax and conclusion.
Keep writing, it will improve over time. I didn't correct all the grammar issues and stuff too btw.
EDIT: I didn't notice that you hadn't even asked for feedback on this essay. My bad. I was a little stubborn and took it upon myself to mark it. Apologies.
Thanks for the feedback,much appreciated!!
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Happy to help.
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Happy to help.
Btw,I found this website which apparently accurately matches the selective entry tests,I’ll post a link. You should try em out.
http://derozaedr.com.au/free-sample-tests/
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Thanks, I'll look into it later.
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Hi guys,one of my shorter pieces,tried to add more description.I keep a book for replacing sentences(if that makes sense),feedback would be appreciated. The topic was also easier btw
Topic-lost at sea
I was floundering in a sea of divine-blue quicklime and there was no escape. The rapid waves constantly went up and down as they were dancing. The birds were no where to be seen, or heard. I was all alone.
I tried to swim backstroke, but my face soon became red and puffed out. I stayed alive by treading water persistently. My eyes stared like ice to the moon, it was soon going to be sunrise. There was no one to accompany me, not even the wind which howls and screeches past my ears.
Just when I had though there was nothing which could save me, there it came, a boat. It pitched and rolled like a frantic child thrashing about in the waters of the choppy sea. I swam towards there, a sense of hope electrocuted my mind like a lightbulb. I finally approached to the brown boat, my heartbeat thumping continually. I asked the sailors for a seat in their tiny boat, and they said yes like a bee saying yes to enter a hive.
After being stuck in the sea for a hour, some helpful sailors lead their hand out to help me. We chat and ate, then we crashed at shore. I desperately ran out to feel the sand,like a toddler running to the playground. The sand felt like smooth fur, I spread it throughout my body. I was glad to be back at the beach.
Thanks for reading.
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Hi Zhen,
Here is a piece I wrote a few months ago :)
I would love your feedback :)
Prompt: Imagine that you’ve finally achieved something that meant a lot to you.
Write a story/narrative exploring this idea. Your piece must be CREATIVE.
Plan:
What was acheieved- My first medal in badminton. 2nd place in the western suburbs
-Started playing
-Became a regular activity and joined a class
-Got a wonderful coach
-Started to learn tips and tricks
-Began winning alot of trophies within the club
-Started doing tournaments competing against other players across victoria
-finally came second place.
Begin:
The noise of applause surrounded me as I walked proudly towards the stage to collect my medal. An extremely shiny medal was placed around my neck and my team was gleaming with excitement. This lifelong passion for badminton began when I was around the age of 5. I had gone with my dad and a few of his colleagues to have some games of badminton. The frustration the kept coming when my tiny hands would miss the shuttle is absolutely unexplainable. Tears started to fill my eyes and I decided to just give up and go play a game on my dad's phone.
Although, with all the frustration and annoyance I felt, I held my racket with my right arm and swung so hard that the shuttle made it across the net and went so high that it could almost reach the sky. I couldn't believe myself. As a 5 year old and this being the first time i've ever heard of badminton, even getting the shuttle across the net is a huge accomplishment. That is how my passion and determination for badminton developed. My parents could see that I was determined and they immediately joined me in a local badminton club. Fortunately, I was blessed with a wonderful coach who himself, participated in the Olympics representing Australia. Throughout the years, many friends came amongst me.
The first competition that was ever ran by my badminton club was when I was 8 and I wasn't allowed to participate, reason being that I was too young. I was so upset and when I got home I cried and cried and cried to my mum. My mum however comforted me and uttered these wise words that "little steps lead to big achievements". Thy far I am very grateful that I believed those words or else my dreams of ever winning a state tournament would have been abolished.
After 2 years, I was at the age of 10 and I could finally participate in the competition. My coach was shocked to see how well I had improved and how focused I was in the game. No matter how many points I lost, I would always smile and think to myself and recite "you can do it, just a few points won't matter, bring back your game girl". I had won the game and was awarded a gold trophy that had my name emplated on it. That was my first ever win and ever since then I have only taken the positive feedback from my team mates and coach. Thinking about all the rough times and the filthy looks on people when I would miss an easy shot made me glad that I blocked all the negative energy from my life and just concentrated on my game.
"Sarah, you can go stand beside your coach to take a quick photograph" a lady with broad shoulders whispered while knocking me back into reality. I smiled and stood firmly next to my coach. He looked as happy as a butterfly. My parents then approached me and gave me a warm hug. "We knew you could do it Sarah, oh god we are so proud to have you as our daughter sweety". There it was. Those golden words I had waited so long for
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yes, i completely agree with you. I am however starting to show and not tell in my stories which might help me improve.
Thank you for taking time to read my essay :)
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Here is another creative essay I wrote yesterday :)
I had actually written this on paper so maybe thats why the paragraphs are small. Idk.
Hope it is better :)
Prompt: Walking can be a very enriching experience. Describe your feelings and thoughts as you ventured for a late evening walk.
Before I knew it, I was far from my mini apartment filled with rusty floorboards. The time wass 5pm, the perfect section of the day to take a relaxing walk and excrete the bottles of stress stored in our bodies.
As I looked towards my left, I was astounded by the edifices lined amongst eachother. Grand chandeliers made them glisten in sparkles. Further down the street a beguile garden appeared in my sight. A beautifully designed white fence was the surrounding the border. Irresistibly, I pushed the gate open and was left in awe.
The grassland represented an emerald ocean and the scent in the air left me mesmerised. Noticing the texture of leaves followed by its branches then connecting to their assorted, unique roots made me realise how beautiful nature is. The ripples created by the birds sipping from the beautifully engraved bird baths created symphony in my ears.
As many minutes flew past, the sun began to prepare itself for a luxurious sleep. I too began to head home, before nature's night creatures began their day. Taking a stroll through the streets always rejuvenates my mind, although today it brought me a different way of comfort. What better way of relaxation is there then admiring the natural items of nature?
thank you :)
I feel like this is an alright essay.
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Hey everyone, gonna upload an essay which I wrote yesterday with 10 MINUTES planning and 30 MINUTES writing. I was going to add more description in my last paragraph but had like 1 minute left.
Topic:it’s a picture of a train collapsed/crashed.
Instant memories rushed to my mind as I see the train bolt past the train station. I never knew that the most happiest day of my life would turn out to be horrifying instead. It was when I was desperately waiting for the 10:03am train from London to Yorkshire, to have an interview of my dream job. I also wanted to settle in the beautiful city of Yorkshire.
The heat was piercing my sweatshirt as I was staring at my watch for the train to come. The train decided to arrive after five minutes and I dashed into it, unaware of the terrifying journey ahead. I sat at the front of the train, next to the train driver who was short and bold, with a great sense of humour. The sweet savoury aroma wafted through the freezing train as I tightened my collar and shoved my hands deep down my pocket. The view in front of me was a window showing the train track, a sight I had never seen before. My bottom relaxed on the luxourious seat as the engine started and I spent my last moments in London.
Suddenly, a phone call interupted the talk between the train driver and I. The train driver picked up the phone on speaker and I also tuned in to hear the conversation between the train driver and the guy speaking on the phone.
“Your engine is open and your oil is spilling”, yelled the guy on the phone.
The train driver took a glimpse of the engine from the mirror and the oil was indeed spilling. I shivered, mumbling words such as ‘nothing would happen’ to myself. I nearly collapsed to the floor from shock as the train driver cut the phone and made an announcement that the oil from the train engine is spilling.
Everyone got out of their seat and started to panic, it was total chaos. Everyone, except one man. He was really sensible and did not panic at all as he tried to figure out a plan. He suddenly grabbed the emergency hammer and broke the window. He was luckily close to the engine and he put the engine lid back on. I was also near an emergency hammer and tried to comprehend the situation. Hastily, I bust out by breaking the window assuming that there still would not have been enough oil to take us to Yorkshire.
As I landed on the floor, I felt a snap from my ankle. I heard distant voices that there was enough oil for the train to go to Yorkshire. I should have stayed on the train. Instantly, another train bolted towards the London to Yorkshire train. Since I was dizzy, I thought I was dreaming, but a reality check brushed my face as I heard a loud crash from a kilometre away.
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Hey everyone, gonna upload an essay which I wrote yesterday with 10 MINUTES planning and 30 MINUTES writing. I was going to add more description in my last paragraph but had like 1 minute left.
Topic:it’s a picture of a train collapsed/crashed.
Instant memories rushed to my mind as I see the train bolt past the train station. I never knew that the most happiest day of my life would turn out to be horrifying instead. It was when I was desperately waiting for the 10:03am train from London to Yorkshire, to have an interview of my dream job. I also wanted to settle in the beautiful city of Yorkshire.
The heat was piercing my sweatshirt as I was staring at my watch for the train to come. The train decided to arrive after five minutes and I dashed into it, unaware of the terrifying journey ahead. I sat at the front of the train, next to the train driver who was short and bold, with a great sense of humour. The sweet savoury aroma wafted through the freezing train as I tightened my collar and shoved my hands deep down my pocket. The view in front of me was a window showing the train track, a sight I had never seen before. My bottom relaxed on the luxourious seat as the engine started and I spent my last moments in London.
Suddenly, a phone call interupted the talk between the train driver and I. The train driver picked up the phone on speaker and I also tuned in to hear the conversation between the train driver and the guy speaking on the phone.
“Your engine is open and your oil is spilling”, yelled the guy on the phone.
The train driver took a glimpse of the engine from the mirror and the oil was indeed spilling. I shivered, mumbling words such as ‘nothing would happen’ to myself. I nearly collapsed to the floor from shock as the train driver cut the phone and made an announcement that the oil from the train engine is spilling.
Everyone got out of their seat and started to panic, it was total chaos. Everyone, except one man. He was really sensible and did not panic at all as he tried to figure out a plan. He suddenly grabbed the emergency hammer and broke the window. He was luckily close to the engine and he put the engine lid back on. I was also near an emergency hammer and tried to comprehend the situation. Hastily, I bust out by breaking the window assuming that there still would not have been enough oil to take us to Yorkshire.
As I landed on the floor, I felt a snap from my ankle. I heard distant voices that there was enough oil for the train to go to Yorkshire. I should have stayed on the train. Instantly, another train bolted towards the London to Yorkshire train. Since I was dizzy, I thought I was dreaming, but a reality check brushed my face as I heard a loud crash from a kilometre away.
And, since it’s 30 minutes, is it better to start with an intro then problem or straight away with a problem?
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And, since it’s 30 minutes, is it better to start with an intro then problem or straight away with a problem?
Sorry that I cannot read your essay as it is pretty late, however, I would recommend you always start an essay with an introduction to give viewers information about what you will be writing about. They will be surprised if you started to elaborate about a problem without introducing it.
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Sorry that I cannot read your essay as it is pretty late, however, I would recommend you always start an essay with an introduction to give viewers information about what you will be writing about. They will be surprised if you started to elaborate about a problem without introducing it.
Ok, thanks!!
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Thank you :)
I will write a story on that prompt asap:)
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Can someone please mark this it would be well appreciated.
Should students be allowed to have phones in high schools?
In the modern era it is common for adults to have a phone, children as young as 8 years of age own one. Phones can be usually used as a way to communicate to others but it can be also used in classrooms effectively. I strongly believe that all students should be allowed to bring mobile phones to class in high school because it can be a great source to improve students academically. Phones were first made to talk to each other and they still can, students can use their phones to talk to their parents in times of struggles or emergency.
First and foremost, implementing this rule will help students benefit for educational purposes. iPod and phones these days pretty much replace calculators. We are living in the 21 century people. People have to recognize the fact that we are getting more into technology and getting rid of pen and paper. Electronics are taking over our lives into another level, in fact they are a big part of our lives already and we can’t stop it. Students can get handy learning apps from the app store which takes learning up another notch. There are many educational apps available in a wide range of subjects for all kinds of learners.
In addition to this, students get to be in touch with their parents. Being allowed to bring phones to class will allow students to call their parents whenever they want. They can call their parents if, after school plans may change, if there was something wrong at school or if the student didn’t bring his/her assignment or homework to class, they can call their parents and tell them to drop it off. In times of emergency such as bomb threats etc., students can talk to their worried parents.
However on the other hand many argue that most kids are addicted to social media and introducing phones to class should not even be considered. This may be the case for some, however considering all things, do you want your kids to embrace in the learning apps and the benefits of using an electronic device or do you want to carry on complaining about your kids getting addicted to social media? Therefore I strongly believe that students should be allowed to bring phones to class.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that students in high school have the complete authority to bring mobile phone devices to classes because it brings many positive outcomes in the classrooms such as being able to use learning apps to further student’s learning to another notch. Furthermore, it allows students to keep in touch with their family in times of emergency. This is a serious matter which should be taken into consideration by every high school in Australia. There’s really only positive outcomes of this topic so what does schools have to lose to give it a shot, it would be absurd knowing all the benefits of this and not giving it a shot.
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Hey everyone, I'm new to the forum :)
Just wondering if anyone is happy to mark my creative piece for the selective entry exam (year 9 entry next year).
Images were of ice cream truck, angry dog and a kennel (This was all done in 10 minutes planning and 30 minutes writing).
It was a flaming hot summers day as Sam sat on his favourite rocker. Amazed at the dancing clouds and spectacular birds, nothing could possibly be more beautiful than this.
Sam's dog, Ruffles, is a very kind and well-trained dog. Ruffles has a pet hate for squirrels, and in return, they do not like him that much either.
"Come here Ruffles," Sam ordered. "Look at this beautiful view."
"Spectacular." Sam thought, as he watched the birds form a variety of formations.
Suddenly, nuts were being hurled from the tree. One by one, the nuts clipped both Sam and Ruffles on their heads. Infuriated, Ruffles charged at the tree SNAP! As the necklace around Ruffles shattered to the ground. He then terrorised the squirrels, until a rather happy and familiar tune caught all of their attention. They all watched as the vibrantly coloured van parked on the left side of their road. Sam instantly dashed inside, scavenging for spare change.
The jolly driver walked out of the car to find a furious, viscous dog without a name tag.The driver started tapping his phone and dialled a number, in a heartbeat the van along with Ruffles both disappeared.
Sam walked outside with money falling out of his pockets, eager to purchase a plethora of snacks and treats. But, he was shocked to see that the van had already taken off. "Oh well," Sam realised. "There is always next time." As he loaded his pockets back up. Soon after, Sam realised something strange. No barking, no squirrels throwing pine nuts and no Ruffles. "Ruffles!" Sam called. "Ruffles!"
Still, no answer. Sam foraged the area looking for clues, he found a chain that had Ruffles name and a 10-digit number which he could easily recognise along with a business card with a locked-up canine. Sam instantly knew where Ruffles had gone to.
"Mother." Sam called. " Can you take me to the Great Dog Kennel?"
"What for?" Mother answered.
"Maybe, we can find a new friend." Sam replied. After a few more convincing points, Sam and his mother drove off to the Great Dog Kennel. Sam avoided talking about Ruffles, as he knew his mother would be infuriated.
When Sam walked inside, he found a happy and familiar dog jumping uncontrollably. "Ruffles!" Sam yelled with excitement. But, Ruffles was still locked and tied to his cage. "Samuel!" Mother cried. "Why didn't you tell me Ruffles was here, we could have done this so much easier." After a long and painful chat with the workers, Ruffles was able to touch the solid earth once more to be a happy, jolly dog.
From here on, Sam gave Ruffles a present to make sure that this would never happen again. "Here you go Ruffles," Sam exclaimed. "This one is made out of gold and has both your name and mine." Even though the squirrels got Ruffles into the kennel, he still wasn't scared to put on a show for Sam to witness. "Same old Ruffles." Sam murmured as he watched Ruffles terrorise the naughty, evil rodents.
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Hi everyone, is anyone able to take a look at my piece please :) I'd be so grateful for any feedback at all. Thanks in advance :) :D
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Images were of ice cream truck, angry dog and a kennel (This was all done in 10 minutes planning and 30 minutes writing).
It was a flaming hot summers day as Sam sat on his favourite rocker. Amazed at the dancing clouds and spectacular birds, nothing could possibly be more beautiful than this.
Sam's dog, Ruffles, is a very kind and well-trained dog. Ruffles has a pet hate for squirrels, and in return, they do not like him that much either.
"Come here Ruffles," Sam ordered. "Look at this beautiful view."
"Spectacular." Sam thought, as he watched the birds form a variety of formations.
Suddenly, nuts were being hurled from the tree. One by one, the nuts clipped both Sam and Ruffles on their heads. Infuriated, Ruffles charged at the tree SNAP! As the necklace around Ruffles shattered to the ground. He then terrorised the squirrels, until a rather happy and familiar tune caught all of their attention. They all watched as the vibrantly coloured van parked on the left side of their road. Sam instantly dashed inside, scavenging for spare change.
The jolly driver walked out of the car to find a furious, viscous dog without a name tag.The driver started tapping his phone and dialled a number, in a heartbeat the van along with Ruffles both disappeared.
Sam walked outside with money falling out of his pockets, eager to purchase a plethora of snacks and treats. But, he was shocked to see that the van had already taken off. "Oh well," Sam realised. "There is always next time." As he loaded his pockets back up. Soon after, Sam realised something strange. No barking, no squirrels throwing pine nuts and no Ruffles. "Ruffles!" Sam called. "Ruffles!"
Still, no answer. Sam foraged the area looking for clues, he found a chain that had Ruffles name and a 10-digit number which he could easily recognise along with a business card with a locked-up canine. Sam instantly knew where Ruffles had gone to.
"Mother." Sam called. " Can you take me to the Great Dog Kennel?"
"What for?" Mother answered.
"Maybe, we can find a new friend." Sam replied. After a few more convincing points, Sam and his mother drove off to the Great Dog Kennel. Sam avoided talking about Ruffles, as he knew his mother would be infuriated.
When Sam walked inside, he found a happy and familiar dog jumping uncontrollably. "Ruffles!" Sam yelled with excitement. But, Ruffles was still locked and tied to his cage. "Samuel!" Mother cried. "Why didn't you tell me Ruffles was here, we could have done this so much easier." After a long and painful chat with the workers, Ruffles was able to touch the solid earth once more to be a happy, jolly dog.
From here on, Sam gave Ruffles a present to make sure that this would never happen again. "Here you go Ruffles," Sam exclaimed. "This one is made out of gold and has both your name and mine." Even though the squirrels got Ruffles into the kennel, he still wasn't scared to put on a show for Sam to witness. "Same old Ruffles." Sam murmured as he watched Ruffles terrorise the naughty, evil rodents.
I'm finding it hard to give you feedback on your piece.
- The transition of the story is not very fluid and goes in every direction.
- The beginning of your story isn't really eye-opening so I'd imagine that it would be hard for people to continue reading.
- You also need to work on your grammar
I'm happy to read your persuasive essays :)
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I'm finding it hard to give you feedback on your piece.
- The transition of the story is not very fluid and goes in every direction.
- The beginning of your story isn't really eye-opening so I'd imagine that it would be hard for people to continue reading.
- You also need to work on your grammar
I'm happy to read your persuasive essays :)
Awesome thanks for taking the time to read it :)
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Hi all, long time no see to many. Just been incredibly busy with school and tutor, but I did get enough time to write an essay. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. It has been written straight on computer in a time limit of 35 minutes.
PROMPT: She shared the secret, knowing it would change everything.
The crystal-like glass shattered on the cold, cracked ground. Scattering illuminating pieces of sharp shards everywhere. The deep crimson blood of my slain parents leaked towards my old school shoes. I gazed into a shard of the broken glass and vividly saw myself in the reflection. Tonight, we were never going to be the same again.
I looked up, dramatically, yet with a monotone expression on my face. My sister turned to me and finally broke the long, intense silence in the house. Ironically, with something that would break our family apart even more. Her long, beautiful straight hair reflected the moonlight onto her eyes, creating a sparkle of light, she opened her mouth and just barely uttered out of her mouth. “I guess its time to tell the truth”.
My eyes largened, and my small body turned numb, the feeling of sharp needles reached into my heart and pierced it hard, then deflated it like a balloon. “I’ve been an Australian spy for many years and my objective is finally finished, I have no more purpose here.”
She walked out of the room quietly, almost tripping on the clear, crystal glass that laid flat on the ground. I was at a pure loss of words, an emotion between misery and absolute mortification. My body couldn’t support my weight and my legs pulled my body forcefully onto the ground, praying for my slain family members.
My sister. Best friend. Someone to depend on, went past me suddenly and faintly with a large suitcase. The wheels splattering in blood and leaving a trail of murder. We were a group for many years, but now faring ways and passing each other like strangers would on the streets. Like all the memories we had didn’t matter. In a way, she was a stranger to me. She closed the door suddenly and left swiftly, not like the movies, where I get an opportunity to win her back. She just left. Suddenly. Never to be seen again.
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I wrote this essay in 30 minutes (including planning). I would appreciate any feedback as I'm trying to become as good as I possibly can for the entrance exam.
Stimulus: We should have a 3-day weekend
As employment is essential for a functioning economy, we must find a good balance between work and leisure time in order to satisfy people's needs. A three-day weekend would not only minimize downtime at work, but also help the economy.
Currently, our two days off per week leave us with five working days and 40 hours of work for people with nine-to-five jobs. This is simply too much. Some employees even spend over half of their time at work unproductively. Cutting the two-day break into a three-day one would only solve this problem and noticably boost productivity due to employees becoming accustomed to working time-efficiently since they would have less down-time.
However, a three-day weekend would not only benefit employees; businesses would also feel positive effects. We have Saturday as part of the weekend due to Henry Ford setting a trend to allow working-class people a day off to spend more of the money they had earned. If we allowed another day off, we would most definitely see an increase in recreational shopping, which could lead to a huge economic boost. This effect would be felt by businesses and workers alike.
In conclusion, a three-day weekend would boost economic performance by helping productivity and allowing middle-class citizens to spend more of their earnings.
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As employment is essential for a functioning economy, we Don't use pronouns must find a good balance between work and leisure time in order to satisfy people's needs. A three-day weekend would not only minimize downtime at work, but also help the economy. Introduction is a bit weak. You've said that there should be a good balance between work and leisure time, but didn't properly explain why. Also don't really see how it will help the economy. My first thought when reading this is that a three day weekend means no one would work, thus less business.
Currently, our two days off per week leave us with five working days and 40 hours of work for people with nine-to-five jobs Don't be too specific. This is simply too much don't add own opinion by itself. Some employees even spend over half of their time at work unproductively where's the proof? Any evidence supporting this claim?. Cutting the two-day break into a three-day one would only solve this problem and noticably boost productivity due to employees becoming accustomed to working time-efficiently since they would have less down-time.
However, a three-day weekend would not only benefit employees; businesses would also feel positive effects. We have Saturday as part of the weekend due to Henry Ford setting a trend to allow working-class people a day off to spend more of the money they had earned. If we allowed another day off, we would most definitely see an increase in recreational shopping, which could lead to a huge economic boost. This effect would be felt by businesses and workers alike. ok, they get to spend their earnings on shops, but what about buyer's job? wouldn't they have less business because less people are working? this point is applicable to one side, but not the other
In conclusion, a three-day weekend would boost economic performance by helping productivity and allowing middle-class citizens to spend more of their earnings.
Sorry, on a time crunch right now.
Feedback:
- Don't use pronouns
- Make sure to give evidence that support your argument
- Intro and conclusion quite short, try to extend it a little bit by discussing other ways 3 day weekends can help
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Sorry, on a time crunch right now.
Feedback:
- Don't use pronouns
- Make sure to give evidence that support your argument
- Intro and conclusion quite short, try to extend it a little bit by discussing other ways 3 day weekends can help
Hey GodNifty, thanks for the feedback. However, how do you think I should give evidence if I'm doing a test? Since I can't just say "surveys show X"?
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Hey GodNifty, thanks for the feedback. However, how do you think I should give evidence if I'm doing a test? Since I can't just say "surveys show X"?
If you don't have evidence to back up what you write, then don't write it at all.
'Some employees even spend over half of their time at work unproductively' - while this could be true, explain how they work unproductively.
To put it in another perspective, let's pretend that I'm your manager. If I fire you because you don't do anything during your shift, I have to give evidence and proof, rather than letting you go without a reason.
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If you don't have evidence to back up what you write, then don't write it at all.
'Some employees even spend over half of their time at work unproductively' - while this could be true, explain how they work unproductively.
To put it in another perspective, let's pretend that I'm your manager. If I fire you because you don't do anything during your shift, I have to give evidence and proof, rather than letting you go without a reason.
Oh yeah that's true. Thanks for the help :)
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Hi everyone, didn’t upload in a LONG time due to how busy I was in the school days, though I did write some essays. I’m not sure if I have improved much or not from last time but I have tried to correct my mistakes. It’d be much appreciated if someone reads my essay, thanks. This was done in around 30 mins(plan and essay)
I was advised to keep a basic plot, so I tried the most basic plot possible to my potent.
TOPIC: it’s a picture of a guy who is in the ocean(no diving equipment) and an elephant above the person. The elephant is also in the sea but it’s not touching the person.
He found himself floundering in a sea of fresh blue seawater. He panics. He then dives down below to discover what mystery hides in the beautiful ocean. This was also a great opportunity for him to finally utilise his powers to see, hear and breath in the ocean.
His eyes stare in amazement as the blue whale strolls towards a small fish, the blue whale shooting water to the air and the white mesmerising eyes caught his attention the most. The clownfish being hunted by the blue whale shoots a gurgling voice, going in his left ear and out his right. He feels the water go in his speedos sweatshirt, and the bubbles dashing out towards the horizon. He has many questions to ask himself, such as how’d he get here from playing his video game or if he even was going to survive but he wanted to make the most of his chance to be in the ocean alone, exploring the natural beauties. His strict Mum and Dad would not let him out of his house anyways, unless it was for educational purposes.
He shoots himself up, creating a huge whirlpool of water as his thin body is the only thing above the ocean. His arm let loose, spinning around his body. He then dives straight back down. As he goes down to the deep, the pressure of water kicks against his t shirt. Above him, the glow of the surface becomes more dim, more distant.
In the deep, with the brine flowing past his limbs, there is freedom. The sea has so many secrets, so many stories yet to tell. Here, his body has no weight that means anything, he can glide in any direction without fear of falling. He then realises, this place, so far from his ordinary gaming world above, is the the wonderland of his dreams.
He dives deeper down, not stopping, letting all the sharks and fishes zoom up. Once all the sharks, fishes and all the sea animals are gone, he stops. He thinks he is all alone, until a fish catches his attention. With scales like the most delicate of armour plating, the fish strolled its way up, choosing the slower path of water.
After the gorgeous nature that he discovered far below from the land of boredom, he turns his head up to go back to the surface. He suddenly moves his face back up as he sees a enormous elephant above him. Alive.
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Hi everyone, didn’t upload in a LONG time due to how busy I was in the school days, though I did write some essays. I’m not sure if I have improved much or not from last time but I have tried to correct my mistakes. It’d be much appreciated if someone reads my essay, thanks. This was done in around 30 mins(plan and essay)
I was advised to keep a basic plot, so I tried the most basic plot possible to my potent.
TOPIC: it’s a picture of a guy who is in the ocean(no diving equipment) and an elephant above the person. The elephant is also in the sea but it’s not touching the person.
He found himself floundering in a sea of fresh blue seawater. He panics. He then dives down below to discover what mystery hides in the beautiful ocean. This was also a great opportunity for him to finally utilise his powers to see, hear and breath in the ocean.
His eyes stare in amazement as the blue whale strolls towards a small fish, the blue whale shooting water to the air and the white mesmerising eyes caught his attention the most. The clownfish being hunted by the blue whale shoots a gurgling voice, going in his left ear and out his right. He feels the water go in his speedos sweatshirt, and the bubbles dashing out towards the horizon. He has many questions to ask himself, such as how’d he get here from playing his video game or if he even was going to survive but he wanted to make the most of his chance to be in the ocean alone, exploring the natural beauties. His strict Mum and Dad would not let him out of his house anyways, unless it was for educational purposes.
He shoots himself up, creating a huge whirlpool of water as his thin body is the only thing above the ocean. His arm let loose, spinning around his body. He then dives straight back down. As he goes down to the deep, the pressure of water kicks against his t shirt. Above him, the glow of the surface becomes more dim, more distant.
In the deep, with the brine flowing past his limbs, there is freedom. The sea has so many secrets, so many stories yet to tell. Here, his body has no weight that means anything, he can glide in any direction without fear of falling. He then realises, this place, so far from his ordinary gaming world above, is the the wonderland of his dreams.
He dives deeper down, not stopping, letting all the sharks and fishes zoom up. Once all the sharks, fishes and all the sea animals are gone, he stops. He thinks he is all alone, until a fish catches his attention. With scales like the most delicate of armour plating, the fish strolled its way up, choosing the slower path of water.
After the gorgeous nature that he discovered far below from the land of boredom, he turns his head up to go back to the surface. He suddenly moves his face back up as he sees a enormous elephant above him. Alive.
Had a quick read of your essay, and honestly it's pretty well written. There's been a few wordings that don't sound really good like 'His strict Mum and Dad would not let him out of his house anyways...'
Did you have time to read over? I feel like if you proof read it then you'd be able to pick up the minor details and amend it.
Overall, really good step up from last efforts. I definitely believe you are capable of doing well in the writing sections.
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Had a quick read of your essay, and honestly it's pretty well written. There's been a few wordings that don't sound really good like 'His strict Mum and Dad would not let him out of his house anyways...'
Did you have time to read over? I feel like if you proof read it then you'd be able to pick up the minor details and amend it.
Overall, really good step up from last efforts. I definitely believe you are capable of doing well in the writing sections.
I had time to proof read it but I didn’t pick up the minor details.
Thanks for reading it, and for the feedback. :)