Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam

[zhen]

I’m just going to start this thread as a place where people can submit essays for others to mark. I think doing this would be way better than having 5 different threads all asking for essay marking, which is kind of what happened this year. Over the holidays I’ll personally try to mark every essay submitted on this thread. Hopefully other people like GalacticProcess, who’s been doing an amazing job so far marking heaps of essays can help me out. Also, before you guys start posting your essays I’d prefer it if you specify what year you’re applying for and the essay topic at the start of your post so I can provide adequate feedback. Just a heads up but I know absolutely nothing about the John Monash selective school exam. I’m only acquainted with the MHS/Macrob/Nossal/Suzanne Cory one. Also, if you end up finding the feedback helpful or it ends up helping you get into your desired school, please don’t just forget about the forums and try to pay it forward. Right now I’m just praying that this thread doesn’t end up completely empty and devoid of posts. 

[TheSapaInca]

Definitely will use it but currently have exams at school 

[TheSapaInca]

Topic:
Because of fast food restaurant offering unhealthy meals, they should all close down.

Fast food restaurants have been growing economically and globally, thus offering unhealthy meals everywhere. Fast food restaurants do offer unhealthy meals, but contradictorily, we are the people who are buying it, the person who are making the choices to buy the unhealthy food that have detrimental effects to our bodies. Only when people are addicted will they become fat and eventually obese, with a high probability of them dying from a heart attack or high blood pressure. Instead of closing all the restaurants downs, we should warn them about the consequences that of they get addicted will have to come upon or enhance the fitness society to reduce the amount of diabetic or obese people.

Signs to warn the "addicted to fast food" people are vital to convey the future consequences. As the similar of these have been put up for smoking, it had reduced the amount of smokers dramatically. With the invention of vapes, a non-tobacco product, most smoker have moved onto vapes. This same thing could be done with the fast foods as well,  inventing less fatty meals that taste exactly or near like the original. Though people might prefer the real, some would rather try the one that tastes like it and at the same time, staying healthy. Remember, food is about the taste, not more about what it's made of. If something similar but healthier was made exactly like the original, it would prevent the amount of obese and diabetic people.

Exercising is what everyone does everyday, but some a lot and some at the bare minimum. It only takes the movement of your legs just to start exercising. Even though the obese people will have problems exercising, it is most likely their only way of losing weight consistently. Our fitness society is currently not big enough, just people who are wanting to get six-packs and biceps and not people who are trying too change their lives. Increasing the amount of gyms in an area is crucial, not only for obese people but also to stay healthy.

Appearance is everyone's first impression of one and destroying it by the body  may lead to more neurotic behaviours like depression.  Closing all the restaurants won't do much and will encourage hate on the government. Instead, improving and increasing the amount of gyms in an area is more useful. Posters about the consequences will also impact and reduce the amount.

Ok, a little cringy but I believe it will improve.

*Couldn't find a word to used instead of contradictorily as it doesn't sound right.

[zhen]

Topic:
Because of fast food restaurant offering unhealthy meals, they should all close down.

Fast food restaurants have been growing economically and globally, thus offering unhealthy meals everywhere. Fast food restaurants do offer unhealthy meals There’s some repetition going on here. Maybe try to condense it to avoid repeating the words unhealthy meals , but contradictorily You’re right in saying that it sounds weird , we are the people who are buying it, the person who are making the choices to buy the unhealthy food that have detrimental effects to our bodies. I think this bit is really just repeating what you said earlier. Repetition should be avoided. In my opinion, you should say something like Fast food restaurants offer unhealthy meals which are detrimental to the human body. However, many people willingly choose to consume such meals due to their unawareness of the plethora of ramifications these meals have upon their health.  Only when people are addicted will they become fat This is too informal in my opinion and eventually obese, with a high probability of them dying from a heart attack or high blood pressure. Instead of closing all the restaurants downs, we should warn them I think you’re referring to the customers. However, since you don’t mention the customers at all during your sentence, the reader becomes unsure of who you’re referring to when you say them about the consequences that of Minor grammatical error. If you did it under timed conditions then it’s probably because you were rushing they get addicted will have to come upon or enhance the fitness society to reduce the amount of diabetic or obese people. This is a really dodgy topic in my opinion, but the proposed solution seems really dodgy and unrealistic.

Signs to warn the "addicted to fast food" people are vital to convey the future consequences. Expression just sounds clunky here As the similar of these have been put up for smoking, it had reduced the amount of smokers dramatically. With the invention of vapes, a non-tobacco product, most smoker have moved onto vapes. This same thing could be done with the fast foods as well,  inventing less fatty meals that taste exactly or near like the original. In my opinion this sounds like such a cringeworthy proposition. Maybe saying teaching children or people of all ages to eat healthier alternatives might be better than this. Though people might prefer the real, some would rather try the one that tastes like it and at the same time, staying healthy. Remember, food is about the taste, not more about what it's made of. If something similar but healthier was made exactly like the original, it would prevent the amount of obese and diabetic people. I feel like this whole argument is really shaky. The whole argument goes that inventing healthy food that tastes as good as junk food will eventually make people eat less junk food. The thing is that there are heaps of healthy meals out there that are delicious and aren’t necessarily bad for one’s health. In my opinion the reason why junk food is so popular is because these alternatives are more expensive and less convenient.

Exercising is what everyone does everyday, but some a lot and some at the bare minimum Expression here is not ideal. Sounds a bit informal and clunky . It only takes the movement of your legs just to start exercising. Even though the obese people will have problems exercising, it is most likely their only way of losing weight consistently. Our fitness society is currently not big enough This is again colloquial and not the best way to express yourself, just people who are wanting to get six-packs and biceps and not people who are trying too change their lives. Increasing the amount of gyms in an area is crucial, not only for obese people but also to stay healthy.
In my opinion having a persuasive piece solely based upon potential solutions is not the best way to structure an essay. Instead you should be focussing on the advantages of fast food restaurants and form a contention on the matter. I would personally argue that closing down all fast food restaurants is way too extreme and it will be inconvenient for the people who rely on them for a quick meal. People are busy and may not have the time to make their own meals. This provides a convenient and cheap alternative. Also, think about the numerous businesses that would have to close down and the jobs lost. In my opinion these arguments would greatly improve your essay.

Appearance is everyone's first impression of one and destroying it by the body  may lead to more neurotic behaviours like depression.  Closing all the restaurants won't do much and will encourage hate on the government. Popping this idea in now without discussing it beforehand seems a bit unusual Instead, improving and increasing the amount of gyms in an area is more useful. Posters about the consequences will also impact and reduce the amount.

Ok, a little cringy but I believe it will improve.

*Couldn't find a word to used instead of contradictorily as it doesn't sound right.

Ok, I was insanely harsh on your essay compared to normal, so don’t feel bad after reading the feedback. I think that you’ve got a good foundation going on, but you still have a bit of work to do. Anyway, keep working hard. 

[TheSapaInca]

Ok thanks for the feedback @zhen
Now I will write a creative essay.
Topic: Imagine a box that says 'Do not open' on it

There was a door in our house, that only Dad and Mum have been down through. It was to our basement. The dark and deeply enthralling entry just frightened me. It was like there were apparitions waiting for me down there, just like a haunted house. Dad and Mum had always been telling me that I should never go down there, no matter what as ghosts were down there. But today, they had both gone to work, it was a Sunday morning too. I hesitated for a minute, then asked my younger brother, Xavier, who was only two years younger than me to come with me. Even though when I asked Xavier, he was frightened but at the same time, he saw curious, just like me. In the end, we agreed to both go down there.

Holding a dim lit candle on my palm, I tiptoed stealthy and meticulously right next to my younger, who was shivering. When we were at the bottom, I grabbed the door knob and opened the door. As I started to walk in to open the light, I realised the wooden floor was creaking. 'It must be a secret old room...." I murmured. "I guess so.." replied Xavier reluctantly. His voice made me think that he wanted to go back up and leave the room. As I started to comfort him and search around the room, he started calming down. It was until we saw a wooden box that said 'Do not open' on it.

The elaborate carved writing on the wooden vintage box with a black polka-dot ribbon around it struck me; 'Do not open.' I could tell Xavier was aghast, we both didn't know that something secret was in here. With urge and desire, I had refused reluctantly to open the box and obey the rules. My mind ran through different worlds, just of pondering what precious items would be in there. After a few moments, Xavier and I had agreed to open the box, but found out that there saw a padlock and a key was needed. Abruptly, I realised that there was a smaller key just before we went it. I went over to get it and came back. Seeing Xavier finally excited for what was to be a "mystery" was what I've always wanted to see. Just a smile or giggle on his face.

As I unlocked the padlock and opened the wooden box, I heard the front door upstairs open, it was either Mum or Dad! "Oh no", Xavier and I said startled. We just had a peek of what was in the box and there I saw, an embroidered illegible word on the fabric with sakura petals surrounding it. As we both went to run upstairs, Mum was there. "What are you doing down here Xavier and Oscar???"

I eventually realised that the embroidered word on the fabric was my fathers name, Robert. All these paradoxes my parents told me finally ended, with Xavier and I knowing the truth. Xavier and I made a solemn oath that we would not leak any information about the wooden box to Dad as it was a secret gift.

[zhen]

Ok thanks for the feedback @zhen
Now I will write a creative essay.
Topic: Imagine a box that says 'Do not open' on it

There was a door in our house, that only Dad and Mum have been down through. It was to our basement. The dark and deeply enthralling entry just frightened me. It was like there were apparitions waiting for me down there, just like a haunted house. Some good descriptions here Dad and Mum had always been telling me that I should never go down there, no matter what as ghosts were down there. Repetition here and the expression is a little bit clunky But today, they had both gone to work, it was a Sunday morning too. I feel like you just added this but onto the sentence, which makes it flow worse I hesitated for a minute, then asked my younger brother, Xavier, who was only two years younger than me to come with me. Even though when I asked Xavier, he was frightened but at the same time, he saw curious, just like me. This sentence isn’t as clear as it should be cause too many things are going on in this one sentence In the end, we agreed to both go down there.

Holding a dim lit candle on my palm, I tiptoed stealthy and meticulously some good description here right next to my younger brother, who was shivering. When we were at the bottom, I grabbed the door knob and opened the door. As I started to walk in to open the light, I realised the wooden floor was creaking. 'It must be a secret old room...." I murmured. "I guess so.." replied Xavier reluctantly. His voice made me think that he wanted to go back up and leave the room. Nothing is really bad about this, but you should show more rather than telling. Like describe Xavier breathing heavily or his voice quavering to show that he wants to leave As I started to comfort him and search around the room, he started calming down. It was until we saw a wooden box that said 'Do not open' on it.

The elaborate carved writing on the wooden vintage box with a black polka-dot ribbon around it struck me; 'Do not open.' I could tell Xavier was aghast, we both didn't know that something secret was in here. With urge and desire, I had refused reluctantly to open the box and obey the rules. My mind ran through different worlds, just of pondering what precious items would be in there. After a few moments, Xavier and I had agreed to open the box, but found out that there saw a padlock and a key was needed. Abruptly, I realised that there was a smaller key just before we went it. I went over to get it and came back. Seeing Xavier finally excited for what was to be a "mystery" was what I've always wanted to see. Just a smile or giggle on his face. I’m not sure what was the purpose of the padlock and the key. It seemed really jarring when reading about it and I felt like it disrupted the flow of the story.

As I unlocked the padlock and opened the wooden box, I heard the front door upstairs open, it was either Mum or Dad! "Oh no", Xavier and I said startled. We just had a peek of what was in the box and there I saw, an embroidered illegible word on the fabric with sakura petals surrounding it. As we both went to run upstairs, Mum was there. "What are you doing down here Xavier and Oscar???"  I’m not sure if you agree but this seemed a little anticlimactic. I was expecting something grander and more interesting.

I eventually realised that the embroidered word on the fabric was my fathers name, Robert. All these paradoxes my parents told me finally ended, with Xavier and I knowing the truth. Xavier and I made a solemn oath that we would not leak any information about the wooden box to Dad as it was a secret gift. I might be missing something but does this seem overdramatic after finding out what was inside the box. I’d feel disappointed that that’s all there was after all the hyping up you did.

Overall I liked your creative more than your persuasive. I feel like I liked your description at the start of your creative and the kind of ominous feeling you were giving. I feel like this sort of dropped off towards the later half of your creative where you were just listing out the things that happened without describing them in detail. In my opinion having an eloquent and detailed description is important for these creatives especially since it’s way too difficult to make a good meaningful story in 15 minutes. I feel like you should show rather than tell. So, say he was trembling and his eyes were flickering around rather than he was scared. This really helps with giving more detailed descriptions. I felt like your ending was a bit anticlimactic which may have been cause you were rushing at the end of your creative. Overall good job and keep up the good work.  Also feel free to ask me questions if you’re not sure about parts of my feedback or notify me if you disagree with anything I’ve said, cause I sometimes say dodgy stuff.

[TheSapaInca]

Overall I liked your creative more than your persuasive. I feel like I liked your description at the start of your creative and the kind of ominous feeling you were giving. I feel like this sort of dropped off towards the later half of your creative where you were just listing out the things that happened without describing them in detail. In my opinion having an eloquent and detailed description is important for these creatives especially since it’s way too difficult to make a good meaningful story in 15 minutes. I feel like you should show rather than tell. So, say he was trembling and his eyes were flickering around rather than he was scared. This really helps with giving more detailed descriptions. I felt like your ending was a bit anticlimactic which may have been cause you were rushing at the end of your creative. Overall good job and keep up the good work.  Also feel free to ask me questions if you’re not sure about parts of my feedback or notify me if you disagree with anything I’ve said, cause I sometimes say dodgy stuff.

Thanks for your feedback!!!
I just remembered I should show not tell, with your great example;  So, say he was trembling and his eyes were flickering around rather than he was scared. Thank you !!

[jz27]

ZHENNN REMEMBER MEEH?? IM GOING TO MHS FOR ORIENTATION NEXT MONTH. BTW WHEN R UR VCE RESULTS COMING OUT. HOPE U GET 99.95

[hegihugo]

Hey Guys,

Sorry have been a bit inactive, was preparing for all my exams which all averaged 30% of my total mark ( And a guitar exam!!)

Anyway here is my creative writing piece, I used the same stimulus as Sapalnca! (By the way welcome to ATAR notes Sapalnce!)

Stimulus: Imagine a box that says “Do not open” on it


Story:

It was a Sunday afternoon. Mum and Dad had gone to the shops to go and get this weeks groceries. As usual, I didn’t want to go, so I stayed home. I lived in an incredibly  boring neighbourhood and since we had just moved into a new house I decided to explore it.

Out home was full of boxes from our old house, all our previous memories had been in that house, I didn’t really get why we had to move.

So I walked around the house. It was extremely filthy, whilst I would be walking around through the corridors, I would always get tangled by a cob web. The old splintery floors also made a horrible squeak every time I place my foot on a flood board.

Whilst walking through the house I noticed a ladder leading into the roof, I was curious but some what afraid that it would as disappointing as the whole house was. Suddenly a warm light was radiating through the hole.

I was preparing myself for the worst. How bizarre it was for a light to turn on so suddenly. I cautiously climbed the ladder,  a nice warmth was was in the room. I looked around a fire place was there, there were some logs and a large fire was radiating the room.

This was unusual, this room was unlike anything in the house. The rest of the room was panelled in a redwood veneer. There was a carpet on the floor as a pose to the floor boards below. I walked around the room. Whilst walking around I had stumped my toe, on a wooden box, which was polished to perfection, and had the word engraved on it “at all costs do not open, or you will have face what so many others have”. My curiosity got the better of me, I quickly opens the box, and in an instant an eye piercing light covered the whole room, and a deep voice erupted “who dares awaken the slumber of Zeus !”




Thanks for reading

[zhen]

Hey Guys,

Sorry have been a bit inactive, was preparing for all my exams which all averaged 30% of my total mark ( And a guitar exam!!)

Anyway here is my creative writing piece, I used the same stimulus as Sapalnca! (By the way welcome to ATAR notes Sapalnce!)

Stimulus: Imagine a box that says “Do not open” on it


Story:

It was a Sunday afternoon. Mum and Dad had gone to the shops to go and get this weeks groceries. As usual, I didn’t want to go, so I stayed home. I lived in an incredibly boring neighbourhood and since we had just moved into a new house I decided to explore it. This opening seems a little generic and not descriptive enough. Like describe what made the neighbourhood boring or describe what you’re seeing/feeling/smelling around you. Was it a hot day where the sun shone bright in the distance and beads of sweat were running down your face? Describing these details will really make your writing much more interesting in my opinion.

Out home was full of boxes from our old house, all our previous memories had been in that house, I didn’t really get why we had to move. I think these feel like seperate sentences and you should seperate them with a semicolon or full stop I think. Not too sure about this. Also, why didn’t you get why you had to move? Were you reluctant to move? Were you sad about moving? Make sure you really describe these emotions.

So I walked around the house. It was extremely filthy Don’t just tell the reader what the house looked like. Show it to them. Were there cockroaches scuttling across the floorboards? Was there a horrendous stench emanating from the house? , whilst I would be walking around through the corridors, I would always get tangled by a cob web. The old splintery floors also made a horrible squeak every time I place my foot on a flood board. This is the type of description that I’ve been looking for

Whilst walking through the house I noticed a ladder leading into the roof, I was curious but some what afraid that it would as disappointing as the whole house was. Suddenly a warm light was radiating through the hole. This is decent. I’m feeling a slight sense of suspense going on here.

I was preparing myself for the worst. How bizarre it was for a light to turn on so suddenly. I cautiously climbed the ladder,  a nice warmth was was in the room. I looked around and a fire place was there, there Don’t think a comma here is correct but you should check for yourself cause I’m not the best at grammar were some logs and a large fire was radiating the room.

This was unusual, this room was unlike anything in the house. The rest of the room was panelled in a redwood veneer. There was a carpet on the floor as a pose Do you mean as opposed? to the floor boards below. I walked around the room. Try to be more descriptive. You could say you made slow, steady steps around the room or something like that Whilst walking around I had stumped my toe, on a wooden box, which was polished to perfection, and had the word engraved on it “at all costs do not open, or you will have face what so many others have”. My curiosity got the better of me, I quickly opens Should be opened I think cause you’ve been in past tense throughout your piece the box, and in an instant an eye piercing light covered the whole room, and a deep voice erupted “who dares awaken the slumber of Zeus !”

Thanks for reading

Honestly I feel like this is a decent attempt at a creative piece. But I feel like what’s holding you back is really just missing those opportunities to add in some description which will improve your writing greatly in my opinion. Adding in descriptions really helps to keep the reader’s attention and make them feel like they’re experiencing what’s happening in the story. Overall good job and keep up the good work. 

Also, just a heads up for later. I plan on correcting every essay that gets put on here during the holidays. However, after my holidays finish I don’t think I’ll have the time to do this cause I’ll be busy with university and other obligations. So, just take advantage of this opportunity right now to spam me with essays cause I’m unsure of whether I’ll be able to help you guys later.

[hegihugo]

Topic: Because of fast food restraints off ring unhealthy meals, they should all close down

Fast food corporations are some of the biggest TNCs in the world. They contribute a lot of money into all sorts of categories. So why would it be a good idea to close down all these restaurants? Not only do they contribute to our economy, they also offer cheap food, which allows some people to have a proper meal.

McDonald’s, KFC, Burger King; all these companies have subsidiaries in Australia, which have to pay tax. These companies also donate a lot of money into certain political causes. They help boost our economy, so we can invest the money that they give us into more important matters. Sure, every company has to pay tax, but these companies give a lot of money. Which can allow for a tax shift thus permitting poorer people to pay less tax.

Fast food is generally very cheap. That allows for us, the consumer, to have the opportunity to not spend as much money on food. Allowing us to spend more money on things, we want.

As the name implies fast food, takes an incredible short amount to produce. So, if you are feeling hungry or thirsty you can got to your local McDonald for a hamburger.

There are many studies showing that fast food is a larger contributor to obesity in Australia. Since Australians are fatter then we ever were this problem is starting to become bigger and bigger. But these companies, also allow for people who can’t normally afford to get a decent sized meal, to get a lot of food.

In conclusion, it would be stupid to ban fast food restaurants from working in Australia. As they are larger contributors to our economy, and offer cheap food. Although it is a problem that fast food increases the chances of somebody becoming obese, it does allow for people to have a proper meal, instead of having to eat on the bare minimum.


Thanks for reading!

[zhen]

Topic: Because of fast food restraints off ring unhealthy meals, they should all close down

Fast food corporations are some of the biggest TNCs in the world. They contribute a lot of money into all sorts of categories. The word seems like it’s not the best choice So why would it be a good idea to close down all these restaurants? Not only do they contribute to our economy, they also offer cheap food, which allows some people to have a proper meal. Like your use of the rhetorical question and overall this bit seems decent

McDonald’s, KFC, Burger King; all these companies have subsidiaries in Australia, which have to pay tax. Don’t think you used the semicolon right, but don’t trust me on this cause I never use it. Thought that it’s usually used to link two seperate sentences that focuses on the same thing. These companies also donate a lot of money into certain political causes. They help boost our economy, so we can invest the money that they give us into more important matters. Sure, every company has to pay tax, but these companies give a lot of money. Which can allow for a tax shift thus permitting poorer people to pay less tax.

Fast food is generally very cheap. That allows for us, the consumer, to have the opportunity to not spend as much money on food. Allowing us to spend more money on things, we want.

As the name implies fast food, takes an incredible short amount to produce. So, if you are feeling hungry or thirsty you can got to your local McDonald for a hamburger. I would personally avoid having paragraphs this short. I feel like condensing these two small paragraphs into a bigger paragraph talking about convenience overall is much better structurally than these two small paragraphs. Having small paragraphs generally mean that you simply touch on an idea without fully fleshing the idea out and exploring it, which is what I feel has happened here.

There are many studies showing that fast food is a larger contributor to obesity in Australia. Since Australians are fatter then we ever were this problem is starting to become bigger and bigger. But these companies, also allow for people who can’t normally afford to get a decent sized meal, to get a lot of food. Ok the role of a rebuttal is to bring up an opposing argument and smash it to pieces. This attempt at a rebuttal brings up an opposing argument and instead of smashing that argument to pieces, you bring up another argument which is actually completely unrelated to the argument you are refuting. You essentially accept that the opposing argument is valid by not arguing against it but imply that the seperate argument you bring up is more important than the one by the opposition. Also, the argument you bring up is basically repeating the prior idea that fast food is cheap. What I’m trying to point out is that the way you’ve structured your rebuttal isn’t great. You either want to refute the claim that fast food is linked to obesity or not bring it up at all cause it weakens your side.

In conclusion, it would be stupid This seems a bit too colloquial to ban fast food restaurants from working in Australia. As they are larger contributors to our economy, and offer cheap food. This is a sentence fragment rather than a sentence. You either need to replace the full stop before as with a comma or restructure the sentence Although it is a problem that fast food increases the chances of somebody becoming obese, it does allow for people to have a proper meal, instead of having to eat on the bare minimum.

Thanks for reading!

Overall a pretty decent attempt. I think that I was a bit harsh so don’t let the comments dishearten you. Make sure you keep working hard.  Also if you have any questions feel free to respond to me, especially if you disagree with something I’ve said.

[hegihugo]

Stimulus: Imagine you have lost something precious, you have lost it and it has been returned to you.

I never really had a really good relationship with my parents. My Mother and Father divorces when I was 7; and I was forced to live at my mothers house. There, I would run around, in 40 degree weather, to the point where my mum got so sick of me; that she sent me to boarding school.

After she had sent me there I was never the same. The boarding school was cold, filled with sand stone corridors, that echoed with the slightest whisper; this only emphasised my loneliness. It didn’t get any better at high school. I shared a bed room with my only friend, our room was filthy, it would be a common sight to see cockroaches skuttling out of the worn out floor boards, every time you walked across them.

After school I entered university, that was when my father died. It didn’t really affect me, because I never really got to see him after my parents divorce. Shortly after, my mother would join him, this would affect me greatly. Even though my mother sent me to boarding school I still loved her.

My whole world had crashed, I was in the deep dark hole called depression and I was only going deeper.

Whilst cleaning out my mothers attic, where I would go as a kid to use a castle; I noticed that my mother had repurposed it as a room full of memories. The room was dusty, with one breath you would be sneezing immediately. The room was incredibly dated with furniture from that looked like was made from the previous century. Suddenly my eye had caught something.

It was a photo album with a note attached. It read: “I haven’t always been the best mother, but I hope this will make it better.” I carefully opened the photo album. It’s plastic coves were yellowing. The photos were of me and my mother. I started to feel better. It showed everything leading up to when I was sent away, I finally felt good again. For the first time, I had smiled.

[zhen]

Stimulus: Imagine you have lost something precious, you have lost it and it has been returned to you.

I never really had a really good relationship with my parents. My Mother and Father divorces when I was 7; and I was forced to live at my mothers house. There, I would run around, in 40 degree weather Not the best description, to the point where my mum got so sick of me; that she sent me to boarding school. Still unsure if you’re using this semicolon right

After she had sent me there I was never the same. The boarding school was cold, filled with sand stone corridors, that echoed with the slightest whisper I’m loving the descriptive language used here; this only emphasised my loneliness Actually I’m honestly not the most experienced with semicolons, so I’m not entirely sure if you’re using it right. Also, I think the sentence basically says that the atmosphere emphasised my loneliness, which is a bit unusual. . It didn’t get any better at high school. I shared a bed room with my only friend . Our room was so filthy that it was a common sight to see cockroaches skuttling out of the worn out floor boards as you walked across them.      I just changed the sentence up a bit cause I thought that it was a bit jarring before and cause I think you’re misusing commas.

After school I entered university, that was when my father died. My father died when I entered university sounds better I think It didn’t really affect me, because I never really got to see him after my parents divorce. Shortly after, my mother would join him, this would affect me greatly. Maybe describe how it affected you Even though my mother sent me to boarding school I still loved her.

My whole world had crashed, I was in the deep dark hole called depression and I was only going deeper. I love the metaphor going on (well I think it’s a metaphor)

Whilst cleaning out my mothers attic, where I would go as a kid to use a castle; I noticed that my mother had repurposed it as a room full of memories. The room was dusty, with one breath you would be sneezing immediately. The room was incredibly dated with furniture from that looked like was made from the previous century. Suddenly my eye had caught something. Some good description going here

It was a photo album with a note attached. It read: “I haven’t always been the best mother, but I hope this will make it better.” I carefully opened the photo album. It’s plastic coves were yellowing I don’t really like this word. The photos were of me and my mother. I started to feel better. It showed everything leading up to when I was sent away, I finally felt good again. For the first time, I had smiled.

I think you’ve really improved from the last creative. I’m really loving the plot of this story. It’s nice and meaningful, but sadly I don’t think it relates to the prompt. The prompt says that you lost something precious but it’s not clear what you lost. I’m not sure what you lost and what was returned to you. I’ll just ask you first what you were planning to be the thing you lost?

[hegihugo]

I think you’ve really improved from the last creative. I’m really loving the plot of this story. It’s nice and meaningful, but sadly I don’t think it relates to the prompt. The prompt says that you lost something precious but it’s not clear what you lost. I’m not sure what you lost and what was returned to you. I’ll just ask you first what you were planning to be the thing you lost?

Hi Zhen,

Thanks for all the marking! The thing that the character lost was his happiness, I was trying to show his journey from depression to happiness, next time I will try to make it clearer!!

Hugo