ATAR Notes: Forum
General Discussion => General Discussion Boards => Rants and Debate => Topic started by: thushan on December 10, 2012, 03:40:35 pm
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Which is better say you?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arranged_marriage - if you want some background.
Mind you, we are not talking the types of marriages where the parents decide and the child has no say in the matter - that is not an arranged marriage, but a FORCED marriage.
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Wait so a arranged marriage is just a love marriage plus the fact that your parents have a say?
In that case, love marriages all the way.
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Not so much. If you meet a girl, you date her, you fall in love with her, and you marry her with your parents' approval - your parents have a say, but that's a love marriage.
An arranged marriage is where your parents choose a suitor, you are introduced, and you get to know each other under your parents' supervision and sometimes without. Your parents do the various background checks on the person, and if the test is passed and you're getting along well and you like the person, you marry. Love comes afterwards - according to proponents of arranged marriage.
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An arranged marriage is where your parents choose a suitor, you are introduced, and you get to know each other under your parents' supervision and sometimes without. Your parents do the various background checks on the person, and if the test is passed and you're getting along well and you like the person, you marry. Love comes afterwards - according to proponents of arranged marriage.
So what if you don't like the suitor and he/she's the perfect husband/wife in your parents' opinion?
(sorry, bit off topic)
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Ideally, you don't marry the suitor then. If your parents care about your well-being, they can't force you into a marriage where one of you doesn't like the other.
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In theory, I'm in love with the idea of a love marriage. If it doesn't work out for whatever reason and I can't find someone(LOL), I'd get my parents to arrange. :)
But in reality, it's most likely going to be an arranged marriage. :P Though there's nothing wrong with arranged marriages as long as I have somewhat of a say.
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Not so much. If you meet a girl, you date her, you fall in love with her, and you marry her with your parents' approval - your parents have a say, but that's a love marriage.
An arranged marriage is where your parents choose a suitor, you are introduced, and you get to know each other under your parents' supervision and sometimes without. Your parents do the various background checks on the person, and if the test is passed and you're getting along well and you like the person, you marry. Love comes afterwards - according to proponents of arranged marriage.
(http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/759/both.png)
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Haha! We can have both. Question is, are they both good ideas, or is one a better idea than the other, etc.
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I have a very strong opinion on this. Love Marriage all the way. If you don't find someone to love, love yourself and stay as you are (and buy a few dogs because cats are overrated) :P
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IMO they are both equal, one is not better than the other
My parents had an arranged marriage and love came afterwards for them. And they are super happy and so in love. It's cuuute. I only hope I can have that someday! Whether it be through arranged or love marriage, I couldn't care less.
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Is there a point to an arranged marriage besides the "connections" that your parents gain?
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If divorce wasn't such a shame to the family in Indian, Lankan, etc families I wonder how many arranged marriages would last. Hmmmm.
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I have a very strong opinion on this. Love Marriage all the way. If you don't find someone to love, love yourself and stay as you are (and buy a few dogs because cats are overrated) :P
They do say love comes after the marriage in that case. Shall I entertain the idea that love is more likely to develop within an arranged marriage (to develop!) than within two people meeting and dating (meeting and dating, NOT marrying!) because the background checks have been performed by parents who have more life experience? Perhaps that counteracts the lack of passionate love at the start of the marriage.
If divorce wasn't such a shame to the family in Indian, Lankan, etc families I wonder how many would last. Hmmmm.
Fair point. Which is why I really don't think its a good idea to look at divorce rates. Happiness within marriage should be somehow measured.
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I have a very strong opinion on this. Love Marriage all the way. If you don't find someone to love, love yourself and stay as you are (and buy a few dogs because cats are overrated) :P
*Imagines nisha as the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons* :P (You do have a fair point though)
But srsly, this may be due to my background (this thread is probably not aimed at me but still, I want to have my say) but I'd be going with love marriage, the fact of my parents finding me a girl I think would actually put me off the girl in the first place (i.e. the 'arranged marriage' would never actually work). If I'm going to find someone, its going to be on my terms, not my parents. I'm the one thats going to be doing the finding, not my parents, not anyone else.
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Part of the reason I brought this up is because I started to have something going with someone, parents didn't approve (for reasons that are private) and they asked me to terminate. It really hurt the both of us and I don't want to put anyone else in that position ever again. It was my fault, because I started to go through with it without asking my parents' permission beforehand.
Hence the idea why I'm tossing up the idea of arranged marriages, because I realised my parents want me to go through that pathway.
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Thushan, can you please calm down and live your own life? If you want to listen to your parents, why the sudden "hurt" when it went the other way? If you want to totally abide by them, why are you questioning it? The fact that you are suggests that you are not too keen on the idea.
I'm not really a "model" daughter because I have my own concrete way of doing things. Stuff everyone else, I want what I want. If my parents want differently, well, maybe they should get a reality check and look at what will make their daughter happy (which is their primary concern). Thats just what I would do, and you know it.
If divorce wasn't such a shame to the family in Indian, Lankan, etc families I wonder how many arranged marriages would last. Hmmmm.
Frankly, I don't at all think many would. Its a sad thing, really.
They do say love comes after the marriage in that case. Shall I entertain the idea that love is more likely to develop within an arranged marriage (to develop!)
Your making it sound like it is a factory where shit like this can just automatically happen. Just because it has happened in some instances does not mean it happens in them all.
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Thushan, can you please calm down and live your own life? If you want to listen to your parents, why the sudden "hurt" when it went the other way? If you want to totally abide by them, why are you questioning it? The fact that you are suggests that you are not too keen on the idea.
I'm not really a "model" daughter because I have my own concrete way of doing things. Fuck everyone else, I want what I want. If my parents want differently, well, maybe they should get a reality check and look at what will make their daughter happy (which is their primary concern). Thats just what I would do, and you know it.
Frankly, I don't at all think many would. Its a sad thing, really.
Your making it sound like it is a factory where shit like this can just automatically happen. Just because it has happened in some instances does not mean it happens in them all.
LOL. Calm down Nisha. Well, of course it did hurt - I did have to suddenly break it up with someone I was attached to. But it's not so much me, it was my fault in the first place and I deserved what I got, but the girl is having it really hard. I can't do that to someone again.
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Although an arranged marriage is by definition different from a forced marriage, some degree of compulsion or persuasion is often used. Parents still have several ways of pushing their agenda. Why on earth would you marry someone with the hope that love and affection may take time to sprout in the heart? What if partners in an arranged marriage may not get emotionally close at all?
Some proponents of arranged marriages also push the notion that parents are more experienced and may therefore be better able to pick a suitable spouse for their child. I just don't see how this could be true assuming the parent's son/daughter is >=18.
Love marriage all the way.
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Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear of what's happened Thush, like, I personally know that it's pretty tough on you personally not to mention tough on the girl as well. But good on you for being able to take care of yourself and remain strong during tough times, that's something which I really admire, but I hope you're feeling better now.
I generally think that arranged marriages aren't bad per se. Forced marriages are bad, but not arranged. Like, if we think about it, we all have to get to know our boyfriends/girlfriends from somewhere, whether it'd be through school or uni, or work, or through a friend's introduction...etc. Having our parents introduce us to a girl/guy isn't a bad thing at all. I think the point where it starts getting bad is when the parents pressure you into marrying a particular person.
However, if it's just an introduction then I would say that's not too bad. It depends where we draw the line though, different people will draw the line at different places, so it's a hard issue to really debate.
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Thushan, look, if your parents are going to get involve, that's fine (mine are also keen on getting me arranged IF i cant find anyone suitable). But it is important to place some boundaries.Dont let them dictate your life, but make sure that they are still part of the decision making. If you marry a girl that they dont like, youve condemned yourself and the girl to living a life without inlaws (which is, in curry terms, pretty bleak).
For the non curries out there, a set of points that a curry partner must have to be accepted by potential inlaws include:
- nice person (not arrogant etc)
- relatively attractive
- MBBS
- Well educated
- reasonably affluent
- MD
- MBBS and MD
- modest and NOT promiscuous
- PhD
- preferably a doctor or engineer
hahahha lol
im joking about the last bit by the way
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For the non curries out there, a set of points that a curry partner must have to be accepted by potential inlaws include:
- nice person (not arrogant etc)
- relatively attractive
- MBBS
- Well educated
- reasonably affluent
- MD
- MBBS and MD
- modest and NOT promiscuous
- PhD
- preferably a doctor or engineer
Dev (Taiga) once said that if I don't do Medicine I will be destroying any change I might have had with a curry girl.
#thinkingofcontinuingtodomedicine #doitfortheladies #doctorsareattractive #money=happiness #idkbutilikehastagsbrah
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I'd rather make my own mistakes then have my parents make them for me.
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hahaha thats hilarious paul! hahaha but remember the equation of life yes?
e=effort
Medicine:
23972346873256(e) ~ $300, 000
Other just as paying professions
46374(e) ~ $300,000
hahahah but yeah, curry parents like doctors/dentists/engineers and not vets, for any of you who want to get in with a curry guy/girl :D :P
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hahahah but yeah, curry parents like doctors/dentists/engineers and not vets, for any of you who want to get in with a curry guy/girl :D :P
apparently accountants used to be pretty high up the list as well, until every second curry guy started doing accounting
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apparently accountants used to be pretty high up the list as well, until every second curry guy started doing accounting
oh yeah, accountants are still high up now though, cause they have te moneys haha
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On another note, if an arranged marriage allows you to marry whoever you want, how is it an arranged marriage? There's nothing wrong with parents introducing you to a girl, the point where a parent forbids you from marrying/dating someone you love/like is the point where it goes too far.
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On another note, if an arranged marriage allows you to marry whoever you want, how is it an arranged marriage? There's nothing wrong with parents introducing you to a girl, the point where a parent forbids you from marrying/dating someone you love/like is the point where it goes too far.
the situation in which kids are FORCED to marry people that they hate died out several generations ago. now its more of love marriage via the means of parents, i guess. i think its good, because it keeps everyone happy, and families dont break apart. its a nice set up, but then again, so is the alternative. both traditional love marrianges and modern-day arranged marriages have their pros and cons, but holistically, neither eclipses the other imo.
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the situation in which kids are FORCED to marry people that they hate died out several generations ago. now its more of love marriage via the means of parents, i guess. i think its good, because it keeps everyone happy, and families dont break apart. its a nice set up, but then again, so is the alternative. both traditional love marrianges and modern-day arranged marriages have their pros and cons, but holistically, neither eclipses the other imo.
I personally can't see too many pro's in the arranged marriage situation... what do you specifically like about it?
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I'm really struggling to think of reasons why someone would suggest an arranged marriage is better than a 'love' marriage (if that's the term you want to use). However, I don't come from a background where something like that would ever involve me, so I don't have an all that great understanding on the topic.
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Coming from an Indian family I must say that a love marriage seems far more attractive to me. (I must confess I am in love with the idea of being in love) Personally, my parents had a love marriage and copped shit from both sides of the family for two years until I was born and fixed everything :P
But seriously speaking, arranged marriages can be both a blessing and a curse - for example; my uncle spent a good 5 years rejecting every 'proposal' until he was tired and just dgaf, he was career oriented and just got married because my grandparents were worried he was getting old. He told my (now) aunty how he felt and she agreed to the marriage (as she felt obliged to, her parents thought my uncle was an excellent 'suitor') knowing that he had no real interest in her. I highly doubt that they will have children and they have both voiced how unhappy they feel in the relationship. I also don't like the general idea of the arranged marriage - it's somewhat "show-pony-esque" (based entirely on how they are shown in indian movies)
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Although an arranged marriage is by definition different from a forced marriage, some degree of compulsion or persuasion is often used. Parents still have several ways of pushing their agenda. Why on earth would you marry someone with the hope that love and affection may take time to sprout in the heart? What if partners in an arranged marriage may not get emotionally close at all?
Some proponents of arranged marriages also push the notion that parents are more experienced and may therefore be better able to pick a suitable spouse for their child. I just don't see how this could be true assuming the parent's son/daughter is >=18.
Love marriage all the way.
If compulsion or persuasion for a selfish agenda is pursued, that's an arranged marriage inappropriately used. Why on earth would I marry someone with the hope that love and affection may take time to sprout in the heart? Because I trust my parents' judgement and their experience, and that they have my best interests at heart.
Also, yes we are over 18. But we need to admit we know little about married life. And I admit that even as an 18 year old, I know relatively little about married life. I'd leave the assessment of compatibility to my parents and my sister, who have gone through that.
I'd rather make my own mistakes then have my parents make them for me.
Hmm. Point taken actually. Be better to blame yourself than to blame someone else if you're damned. But I'd say that I'm much more likely to make mistakes than my parents are.
On another note, if an arranged marriage allows you to marry whoever you want, how is it an arranged marriage? There's nothing wrong with parents introducing you to a girl, the point where a parent forbids you from marrying/dating someone you love/like is the point where it goes too far.
An arranged marriage does not allow you to marry whoever you want - your parents need to give the okay first. In fact, they have to give the okay before you start getting attached to each other. Better your parents veto when you barely know each other than them vetoing when you are attached to one another.
I personally can't see too many pro's in the arranged marriage situation... what do you specifically like about it?
I would say that we'd understand that once we become older.
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I'm really struggling to think of reasons why someone would suggest an arranged marriage is better than a 'love' marriage (if that's the term you want to use).
I personally can't see too many pro's in the arranged marriage situation... what do you specifically like about it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iri3lM8fQaQ
thought I'd just put that out there. :P
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Also, yes we are over 18. But we need to admit we know little about married life. And I admit that even as an 18 year old, I know relatively little about married life. I'd leave the assessment of compatibility to my parents and my sister, who have gone through that.
You believe your parents will make a better decision than you in regards to your compatibility, attraction, love, etc. to someone else than you would?
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If compulsion or persuasion for a selfish agenda is pursued, that's an arranged marriage inappropriately used. Why on earth would I marry someone with the hope that love and affection may take time to sprout in the heart? Because I trust my parents' judgement and their experience, and that they have my best interests at heart.
Also, yes we are over 18. But we need to admit we know little about married life. And I admit that even as an 18 year old, I know relatively little about married life. I'd leave the assessment of compatibility to my parents and my sister, who have gone through that.
I would say that we'd understand that once we become older.
+1
you are very wise Thush. seriously. some people who get 99+ are so closed minded, but you are brilliantly wise with all aspects of life. respect.
we was teenagers/young adults are immature and just cant handle having our parents make any decisions for us, let alone about marriage. just trust your parents, because they love you and will make decisions based on your long term and short terms benefit, and not only the latter (which we as kids usually only see).
parents thirst for their childrens happiness. they wont choose a spouse for their children for superficial reasons only.
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Also, yes we are over 18. But we need to admit we know little about married life. And I admit that even as an 18 year old, I know relatively little about married life. I'd leave the assessment of compatibility to my parents and my sister, who have gone through that.
Your parents only know of an arranged marriage life (I think?) and were brought up that way too. Their word is always going to hold a bias.
And sometimes in life, it's best to venture a bit into the unknown. Personally, I think marriage should be like that.
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You believe your parents will make a better decision than you in regards to your compatibility, attraction, love, etc. to someone else than you would?
Yes, because if they are benevolent parents, their judgement won't be clouded as mine would be, and they'd think about factors that i would not even have thought of, not having had that experience.
Your parents only know of an arranged marriage life (I think?) and were brought up that way too. Their word is always going to hold a bias.
And sometimes in life, it's best to venture a bit into the unknown. Personally, I think marriage should be like that.
My parents had a love marriage actually.
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I take that back then, apologies.
Although having said that, I'm VERY confused for their way of thinking now.
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Why so?
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Generally the curry population moves from Arranged -> Love, this is the first instance I've heard of it moving the other way around. If it worked for them I don't see why they would doubt it would work for you?
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And sometimes in life, it's best to venture a bit into the unknown. Personally, I think marriage should be like that.
THIS. Despite having full faith in my parents regard for my happiness/well being, I want to live my life - our parents are there to support us in all the choices we make, and some people seek assistance in their life choices but ultimately its the choices that we make that make us..us.
Generally the curry population moves from Arranged -> Love, this is the first instance I've heard of it moving the other way around. If it worked for them I don't see why they would doubt it would work for you?
The weird thing is that my parents (also love marriage) expect me to conform to an arranged marriage as well. It is very confusing :/
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Generally the curry population moves from Arranged -> Love, this is the first instance I've heard of it moving the other way around. If it worked for them I don't see why they would doubt it would work for you?
They didn't say it won't work. They're saying that its less likely to work.
Particularly for someone like me who is an inherently trusting person, which leaves me vulnerable to ppl who want to exploit me.
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I take that back then, apologies.
Although having said that, I'm VERY confused for their way of thinking now.
Hmm yeah me too.
I've got a long way to go but I'm probably in the same position as Curry bro (i think). If I can't find one myself, my parents will find one for me :). But I doubt it would end up that way for any of us.
My parents know what I expect of them when it comes to stuff like this. A couple of years ago they said that I "should not be doing this stuff" (dating/girlfriend) until I am 18. Now they keep bumping it up to "when you get a job" haha.
The trouble is that I don't know when it is acceptable to have a girlfriend, putting into consideration family, close family and family friends, I don't want them bad mouthing me as such. On that topic, there is some sort of stigma with having a girlfriend too.
But to the topic at hand, I'm on the same page as Wingardium. "Despite having full faith in my parents regard for my happiness/well being, I want to live my life - our parents are there to support us in all the choices we make, and some people seek assistance in their life choices but ultimately its the choices that we make that make us..us."
Exactly the way I see it, couldn't have said it better. My parents know that they shouldn't dictate my life. They'll advise you and give you tips, but if you don't take it, your on your own.
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Yes, because if they are benevolent parents, their judgement won't be clouded as mine would be, and they'd think about factors that i would not even have thought of, not having had that experience.
I think you'd definitely know yourself better than they would.
I'd also suggest that by the age of 18 you should be able to look at things rationally and make good decisions. It's one of the biggest decisions in life. Whoever you marry may be the person you live with for the rest of your life, who will be a parent to your own children some day. You should be able to make that choice about who that person is on your own.
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Exactly the way I see it, couldn't have said it better. My parents know that they shouldn't dictate my life. They'll advise you and give you tips, but if you don't take it, your on your own.
+1
and also stepping in when their kids really need it
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Hmm yeah me too.
I've got a long way to go but I'm probably in the same position as Curry bro (i think). If I can't find one myself, my parents will find one for me :). But I doubt it would end up that way for any of us.
My parents know what I expect of them when it comes to stuff like this. A couple of years ago they said that I "should not be doing this stuff" (dating/girlfriend) until I am 18. Now they keep bumping it up to "when you get a job" haha.
The trouble is that I don't know when it is acceptable to have a girlfriend, putting into consideration family, close family and family friends, I don't want them bad mouthing me as such. On that topic, there is some sort of stigma with having a girlfriend too.
But to the topic at hand, I'm on the same page as Wingardium. "Despite having full faith in my parents regard for my happiness/well being, I want to live my life - our parents are there to support us in all the choices we make, and some people seek assistance in their life choices but ultimately its the choices that we make that make us..us."
Exactly the way I see it, couldn't have said it better. My parents know that they shouldn't dictate my life. They'll advise you and give you tips, but if you don't take it, your on your own.
Haha same here. It used to be "after you finish school," now it is "after 4th year uni". Perhaps later it will be "after you become a registrar."
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...'after i become a consultant'... 'after i become an associate prof'... 'after i become the dean of medicine'... 'after i become ruler of all doctors internationally'...
we are listing thushans future achievements yes?
haha but in all seriousness, i think a mutual relationship b/w parents where you both decide what you should both do with your lives is very effective, as it allows for situations to be tackled from all perspectives, which acts as a protective factor against poor choices. the same applies with marriages, either your own or a single parent's second attempt.
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Haha same here. It used to be "after you finish school," now it is "after 4th year uni". Perhaps later it will be "after you become a registrar."
Hehe :)
With this girl before, how much convincing did you do before you gave up? Did it make you angry that your parents chose to go against you??
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I think you'd definitely know yourself better than they would.
I'd also suggest that by the age of 18 you should be able to look at things rationally and make good decisions. It's one of the biggest decisions in life. Whoever you marry may be the person you live with for the rest of your life, who will be a parent to your own children some day. You should be able to make that choice about who that person is on your own.
If only it were this simple. Being a girl, I cannot afford to date guys at my leisure until I find "the one" (I can already imagine the things crazy curry aunties would say about me). In that sense, an arranged marriage is a logical option as it would save me the shame of getting together with a "bad guy" and getting preggers etc (lol). Now that I think about it, I do kinda understand why they would prefer an arranged marriage. Another important point I'd like to make is that when you get married, it would be crucial for your parents to accept your partner (regular curry gatherings and such).
Arranged marriages have evolved as was raised before, and I guess they are now more suited to 'modern times' but society still frowns down upon "arranged" marriages [as is evident even on this forum]. Any suggestions as to why?
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If only it were this simple. Being a girl, I cannot afford to date guys at my leisure until I find "the one" (I can already imagine the things crazy curry aunties would say about me). In that sense, an arranged marriage is a logical option as it would save me the shame of getting together with a "bad guy" and getting preggers etc (lol). Now that I think about it, I do kinda understand why they would prefer an arranged marriage. Another important point I'd like to make is that when you get married, it would be crucial for your parents to accept your partner (regular curry gatherings and such).
Arranged marriages have evolved as was raised before, and I guess they are now more suited to 'modern times' but society still frowns down upon "arranged" marriages [as is evident even on this forum]. Any suggestions as to why?
There's always those jokes "where did you meet mum?" "at our wedding".. I think people are generally stumped that people spend a lifetime with someone they hardly knew in the beginning.
But yeah, I don't want to have "ex's" and all that so I'm going to be extremely patient.
Can you imagine a non-curry girl at a curry get together. ;D ;D
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If only it were this simple. Being a girl, I cannot afford to date guys at my leisure until I find "the one" (I can already imagine the things crazy curry aunties would say about me). In that sense, an arranged marriage is a logical option as it would save me the shame of getting together with a "bad guy" and getting preggers etc (lol). Now that I think about it, I do kinda understand why they would prefer an arranged marriage. Another important point I'd like to make is that when you get married, it would be crucial for your parents to accept your partner (regular curry gatherings and such).
Arranged marriages have evolved as was raised before, and I guess they are now more suited to 'modern times' but society still frowns down upon "arranged" marriages [as is evident even on this forum]. Any suggestions as to why?
Why can't you afford to date guys? If you don't want to get pregnant to a bad guy then there's a pretty simple way of avoiding it.
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Why can't you afford to date guys? If you don't want to get pregnant to a bad guy then there's a pretty simple way of avoiding it.
I think she means she can't afford to have multiple relationships (different times obviously ;)) It's the shame that may haunt her at every curry gathering she goes to.
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I think she means she can't afford to have multiple relationships (different times obviously ;)) It's the shame that may haunt her at every curry gathering she goes to.
Wow, it's considered shameful to have dated a number of guys? Why is that?
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Wow, it's considered shameful to have dated a number of guys? Why is that?
Society instantly deems said girl a Slut. Well in Asian Communities that is.
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@Monsierhulot, what Kesh and Cai said :D
There's always those jokes "where did you meet mum?" "at our wedding".. I think people are generally stumped that people spend a lifetime with someone they hardly knew in the beginning.
But yeah, I don't want to have "ex's" and all that so I'm going to be extremely patient.
Can you imagine a non-curry girl at a curry get together. ;D ;D
I shall have to be very patient indeed! *sighs*
Hahaha! That would be so awkies..
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If only it were this simple. Being a girl, I cannot afford to date guys at my leisure until I find "the one" (I can already imagine the things crazy curry aunties would say about me). In that sense, an arranged marriage is a logical option as it would save me the shame of getting together with a "bad guy" and getting preggers etc (lol). Now that I think about it, I do kinda understand why they would prefer an arranged marriage. Another important point I'd like to make is that when you get married, it would be crucial for your parents to accept your partner (regular curry gatherings and such).
Arranged marriages have evolved as was raised before, and I guess they are now more suited to 'modern times' but society still frowns down upon "arranged" marriages [as is evident even on this forum]. Any suggestions as to why?
I reckon its because arranged marriages are seen as a thing of the past, and erroneously people may think that things of the past are bad - hence the reason why words such as 'old-fashioned' and 'backwards' are used pejoratively. Hence, by association, in a by and large progressive society, arranged marriages would themselves be negatively viewed and there would be a bias against them, but they may actually have some merit.
@Monsierhulot, what Kesh and Cai said :D
I shall have to be very patient indeed! *sighs*
Hahaha! That would be so awkies..
Hmm. What if a guy had a history? I don't know, but I'd have mentioned my history if anyone (even the girl's parents) asked me. I'd have mentioned that I had made these mistakes in the past for these reasons, and this is what I learnt from them. Perhaps that way, yes I might get stigmatised as someone with a history, but I'd be seen as someone who is honest, admits to mistakes and learns from them.
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Wow, it's considered shameful to have dated a number of guys? Why is that?
It's shameful for me as a guy too.. (Stigma)
@Monsierhulot, what Kesh and Cai said :D
I shall have to be very patient indeed! *sighs*
Hahaha! That would be so awkies..
My parents probably would expect that she would be Tamil as well hahaah.
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And my mum is adamant that my girl must be Sinhalese.
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And my mum is adamant that my girl must be Sinhalese.
Me personally, I prefer tamil chicks anyway so it's all good, win=win :).
But I don't get how parents can force their children to "carry on" as they say, with only one single race when, they themselves, brought up their child in a multi cultural and racial society.
Do they believe that there is some merit or something?
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It's shameful for me as a guy too.. I just don't like the idea of having more than one girlfriend in my life.. Neither do I want to have a girlfriend with a previous relationship either.
Kesh - I don't think that's a good attitude. It shouldn't be shameful - past relationships are just that, past relationships. Your motive in those relationships then would have been commitment, but things may have gone awry between you two (in your past relationships) which would have necessitated a breakup. Nor should you judge people who have been on past relationships because they may themselves have been committed.
I myself have been in two quasi-relationships that lasted less than a week; both times my parents stepped in and broke us up. Whilst I was really upset both times, I take it in good faith that I will be thankful that they did that when the time comes.
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Kesh - I don't think that's a good attitude. It shouldn't be shameful - past relationships are just that, past relationships. Your motive in those relationships then would have been commitment, but things may have gone awry between you two (in your past relationships) which would have necessitated a breakup. Nor should you judge people who have been on past relationships because they may themselves have been committed.
I myself have been in two quasi-relationships that lasted less than a week; both times my parents stepped in and broke us up. Whilst I was really upset both times, I take it in good faith that I will be thankful that they did that when the time comes.
I think you're right. But I'm still only 17 so I till have some time to mature, and things will probably change then. Good eye opener though, no one has ever criticised that idea until now.
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Me personally, I prefer tamil chicks anyway so it's all good, win=win :).
But I don't get how parents can force their children to "carry on" as they say, with only one single race when, they themselves, brought up their child in a multi cultural and racial society.
Do they believe that there is some merit or something?
They say that it's MUCH more compatible. But I admit my mum is quite biased because she wants someone with whom she can relate in Sinhala (her English is not great). However, I see her (and my sister's) point in that it is less risky. Whilst inter-racial relationships may work, a culture clash, especially where one or both cultures entrench contradicting beliefs and values, is quite likely and is hard to weather I imagine.
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They say that it's MUCH more compatible. But I admit my mum is quite biased because she wants someone with whom she can relate in Sinhala (her English is not great). However, I see her (and my sister's) point in that it is less risky. Whilst inter-racial relationships may work, a culture clash, especially where one or both cultures entrench contradicting beliefs and values, is quite likely and is hard to weather I imagine.
Ahh okay, that's justified. Having good communication probably is vital for any parent.
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They say that it's MUCH more compatible. But I admit my mum is quite biased because she wants someone with whom she can relate in Sinhala (her English is not great). However, I see her (and my sister's) point in that it is less risky. Whilst inter-racial relationships may work, a culture clash, especially where one or both cultures entrench contradicting beliefs and values, is quite likely and is hard to weather I imagine.
My sister married a bogan, but since my culture likes alcohol to. It worked out fine.
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Hehe :)
With this girl before, how much convincing did you do before you gave up? Did it make you angry that your parents chose to go against you??
I tried to convince them for about 5-10 minutes, but my mum did not relent. Once she says no, it means no.
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Do you mind me asking why you went ahead with the second relationship given the response from your parents to the first?
I'm just curious as to your reasons. :) Don't feel like you have to respond.
Loving the discussion.
My input:
My parents had an arranged marriage because they both couldn't be bothered "finding" someone themselves.
I'm open to the idea of both "types". I'm kind of lucky in that my parents are actually very supportive and quite progressive. At the moment, my decision for not dating is just that - my decision.
I've had some very, very long discussions with my parents about their relationship, the relationships of family members, their views on everything.
This is a potential middle ground Thush:
Let your parents know what you are looking for in a partner - be specific. If you let them know what you want, worst case scenario, forced marriage, but you end up with someone with qualities that you were after. We know your parents won't force you to marry someone, so that's out of the question.
But think of some of the more positive outcomes:
- Your parents introduce you to someone who you can genuinely connect with.
- You find someone that possesses the qualities that you are after, and you let your parents know about them.
I'm at a point were I'm very comfortable with the ideas around marriage, my parents roles, and how I envisage it taking place. Open, frank and honest discussions with your parents are necessary. You mentioned that your mum would prefer someone that speaks Sinhala. That's clearly a big factor for her. But it's up to YOU to decide how much of a factor it will be for you.
Bit of a messy response, sorry 'bout that.
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I reckon its because arranged marriages are seen as a thing of the past, and erroneously people may think that things of the past are bad - hence the reason why words such as 'old-fashioned' and 'backwards' are used pejoratively. Hence, by association, in a by and large progressive society, arranged marriages would themselves be negatively viewed and there would be a bias against them, but they may actually have some merit.
I agree to an extent, arranged marriages have somehow been linked to cast-ism/the dowry system and I guess they do hold some merit. It's just another way to find a potential mate, and there are equivalents in other societies (eg, dating websites etc). I would assume the bias is due to the system being "backward" but I believe that there is another underlying issue as to why arranged marriage are seen as unnecessary: Would you agree that teens/young adults of today expect a greater sense of freedom and independency than in our parents/grandparents time? If so then couldn't this be a contributing factor for the increase in love marriages?
Kesh - I don't think that's a good attitude. It shouldn't be shameful - past relationships are just that, past relationships. Your motive in those relationships then would have been commitment, but things may have gone awry between you two (in your past relationships) which would have necessitated a breakup. Nor should you judge people who have been on past relationships because they may themselves have been committed.
I myself have been in two quasi-relationships that lasted less than a week; both times my parents stepped in and broke us up. Whilst I was really upset both times, I take it in good faith that I will be thankful that they did that when the time comes.
I'm really sorry about your situation, it must have been very difficult for you. I think it is honourable that you would be open to other girls about your "history". Your dedication to your parents is admirable. However, I would deem your 'commitment' to be questionable (I mean this in the nicest way possible)
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Point taken Wingardium. I have made the mistake of progressing through these "quasi-relationships" without ensuring the coast is clear with my parents. On the second occasion, both the girl and I agreed that if either of our parents were not happy about it that we end it, because we both understood our limitations. I don't want to hurt anyone again...hence the reason why I'm going to take the arranged marriage pathway. This way my parents will be okay with it. I would consider myself committed, but I would always take my parents' advice first.
However, I'd be aware that I'd need to prove my commitment.
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What lies behind arranged marriages looks suspiciously like an entire social system that has its roots in the subjugation of women. Arranged marriages are considered acceptable because, on the face of it, consent is part of the deal. But when parents or other family members apply emotional pressure to protect family honour, is consent still part of the deal?
''We've found you a nice boy – don't forget the family's honour is at stake''.
''Your mother will die of shame if you turn this boy down – you know she has a weak heart.''
In Hinduism and Asian communities the system of arranged marriage originated mainly as the tool of the upper caste people to protect their community and to maintain their social status. These people wanted their children to marry someone from the same caste and the same social background. Therefore arranged marriages have certain ill effects on the society as they are biased over a particular religion, caste and/or a race. It is not wise when parents are over protective and control their children's wishes and desires in choosing their partner.
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What lies behind arranged marriages looks suspiciously like an entire social system that has its roots in the subjugation of women. Arranged marriages are considered acceptable because, on the face of it, consent is part of the deal. But when parents or other family members apply emotional pressure to protect family honour, is consent still part of the deal?
''We've found you a nice boy – don't forget the family's honour is at stake''.
''Your mother will die of shame if you turn this boy down – you know she has a weak heart.''
I swear I read that before...!
It is not wise when parents are over protective and control their children's wishes and desires in choosing their partner.
Unless the children don't know better and are misguided and blinded. Like myself.
Do you mind me asking why you went ahead with the second relationship given the response from your parents to the first?
Thought my parents would be OK with it this time because the girl was Sinhala this time (last time she wasn't Sinhala). My mistake :/
Let your parents know what you are looking for in a partner - be specific. If you let them know what you want, worst case scenario, forced marriage, but you end up with someone with qualities that you were after. We know your parents won't force you to marry someone, so that's out of the question.
But think of some of the more positive outcomes:
- Your parents introduce you to someone who you can genuinely connect with.
- You find someone that possesses the qualities that you are after, and you let your parents know about them.
Yup. I had done that - they know me very well.
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Love Marriage all the way as you can choose who you want to marry not been selected a girl that your parents think you fall in love with enough to marry. All that time spent with the girl that your parents selected in which didn't end to well could of been spent in searching for other potential females that could be your wife!
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Thought my parents would be OK with it this time because the girl was Sinhala this time (last time she wasn't Sinhala). My mistake :/
It's not your mistake.
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What lies behind arranged marriages looks suspiciously like an entire social system that has its roots in the subjugation of women. Arranged marriages are considered acceptable because, on the face of it, consent is part of the deal. But when parents or other family members apply emotional pressure to protect family honour, is consent still part of the deal?
''We've found you a nice boy – don't forget the family's honour is at stake''.
''Your mother will die of shame if you turn this boy down – you know she has a weak heart.''
In Hinduism and Asian communities the system of arranged marriage originated mainly as the tool of the upper caste people to protect their community and to maintain their social status. These people wanted their children to marry someone from the same caste and the same social background. Therefore arranged marriages have certain ill effects on the society as they are biased over a particular religion, caste and/or a race. It is not wise when parents are over protective and control their children's wishes and desires in choosing their partner.
I beg to differ. It's no longer the subjugation of women - yes, it was once true that arranged marriages were designed to keep the blood within a caste/a means of obtaining money (through the dowry system introduced by the british in colonial india). I would hope that this does not hold true today.
As for the emotional pressure that is far too subjective for me to comment on. Both asian men and women >25 feel pressured to get married for various reasons. How the individual would react to this pressure is in their own hands.
I'd also like to point out that most families are open to love marriages as long as they are "within reason".
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I know a Sinhalese guy dating a Tamil girl, I wonder how that's gonna turn out :P
But seriously though, all this reminds me of Romeo and Juliet, if two people like eachother, does it really matter what family they're from, what nationality they are or what culture they follow? Not to mention even more ridiculous things like religion. The truth is, just because someone's of a different "type" to us doesn't mean that we're not compatible because at the end of the day, we're all human, we all (more or less) have similar values, being raised in Australia and having been educated here.
I'm not against arranged marriages, I think they're fine, but I am against parents rejecting their child marrying another person due to cultural differences. If they have a legitimate reason, that would be fine, but in my eyes, culture, nationality, religion and all those things aren't good enough, as they usually say - love and friendship are the only qualities which can transcend all boundaries.
As for the emotional pressure that is far too subjective for me to comment on. Both asian men and women >25 feel pressured to get married for various reasons. How the individual would react to this pressure is in their own hands.
I'm curious as to why you say Asian men and women in particular, does this pressure not exist with non-Asian people?
Btw, LOL, so I have this deal going with a friend and I think it's pretty smart (and funny at the same time as well), but pretty much, we've agreed that if we're still both single by the time we're 30 and if we haven't really found anyone we're interested in then we'll just get married (it's in writing as well :P). I guess that kinda foul-proofs my life then, umm, unless she gets married and I don't then I'm screwed, but ahh, who cares.
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In the end, we all have our own preferences, some people feel strongly for or against. Thush, you are a person who will listen to your parents, I am the opposite, especially to this subject of matter. It's who you are.
In the end, we all have to deal with our own decisions and live with them.
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But yeah, I don't want to have "ex's" and all that so I'm going to be extremely patient.
Can you imagine a non-curry girl at a curry get together. ;D ;D
There's nothing wrong with having ex's, like in all seriousness, you're much better off following your heart, like don't force yourself to be patient, in a way, I think you need to take advantage of your opportunities, because if you're going to be patient, you're just going to end up going "nah, not her, I'll wait", "oh she's not bad, but I'll wait", "oh hey, damnn she's fine, but nah, I'll wait", "yeah, I wouldn't mind going out with her, but nah, I'll give it time"...etc. and before you know it, you're probably a little too old for all of it :P
Btw, LOL! Non-curry at curry gatherings, I don't know why, but I feel a sense of Deja-Vu.
In the end, we all have our own preferences, some people feel strongly for or against. Thush, you are a person who will listen to your parents, I am the opposite, especially to this subject of matter. It's who you are.
In the end, we all have to deal with our own decisions and live with them.
I agree, just because you listen to your parents doesn't mean that your life will be well and dandy (btw, why do we associate "dandy" with good - like...why not Toorak or Brighton, why Dandy?). In fact, there's a risk that you might regret it later on when you say that "if only I listened to my heart" - but yeah, we just have to make decisions and no matter what we do, there's always a chance of regret.
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Btw, LOL! Non-curry at curry gatherings, I don't know why, but I feel a sense of Deja-Vu.
I can't imagine why you'd feel that!
:P haha
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I'm curious as to why you say Asian men and women in particular, does this pressure not exist with non-Asian people?
Btw, LOL, so I have this deal going with a friend and I think it's pretty smart (and funny at the same time as well), but pretty much, we've agreed that if we're still both single by the time we're 30 and if we haven't really found anyone we're interested in then we'll just get married (it's in writing as well ). I guess that kinda foul-proofs my life then, umm, unless she gets married and I don't then I'm screwed, but ahh, who cares.
Tbh, the social pressure in asian countries to be well educated, married at a certain age and have children is (to my knowledge) almost non existent in other regions. I volunteer at an oldage home and a number of the women there haven't been married/have had no children.I am not suggesting that people in other places don't feel these pressures, I'm sure they do, it's just that to me, in asian cultures these values seem more deeply entrenched.
Haha, I hope it works out for you Paul!
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I'm glad you're thinking about this now. The sooner you work out where you stand, the better. It will help avoid conflicts in the future.
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Tbh, the social pressure in asian countries to be well educated, married at a certain age and have children is (to my knowledge) almost non existent in other regions. I volunteer at an oldage home and a number of the women there haven't been married/have had no children.I am not suggesting that people in other places don't feel these pressures, I'm sure they do, it's just that to me, in asian cultures these values seem more deeply entrenched.
Haha, I hope it works out for you Paul!
You have to remember that this all comes down to personal decision. It would be MY decision to obey my parents if and when i chose to do so. If I didn't, and didn't get married it will be my choice. Yes, there is a stigma for being unmarried and without children. Yes, there is a pressure to conform. But that doesn't mean that everyone does, listen. Yes, our values are entrenched, but could they be so entrenched that it forces us to look at other aspects of our lives and question? Does it force us to look outside tradition and values to see what one really wants? Theres the temptation factor as well.
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Tbh, the social pressure in asian countries to be well educated, married at a certain age and have children is (to my knowledge) almost non existent in other regions. I volunteer at an oldage home and a number of the women there haven't been married/have had no children.I am not suggesting that people in other places don't feel these pressures, I'm sure they do, it's just that to me, in asian cultures these values seem more deeply entrenched.
Haha, I hope it works out for you Paul!
I really disagree with you on that, I think the social pressure to be well educated actually doesn't stem from the Asian culture itself, but rather, it stems from the (often) hardworking Asian parents who have come to Australia to ensure that their children have the opportunity to do well. They know that education is the way up and hence, they encourage their children to study hard.
You'll see that this sort of pressure is nowhere near as strong in Asian countries - there isn't such a strong push to be educated or married. The issue is that many Asians (especially first generation) won't feel so integrated into Australian culture, they see education as a way of getting their heads up in society, they see getting married as bringing stability in an unfamiliar land and they'll see having children as continuing the family.
If you go to Asian countries (I have), you'll see that the mentality there is very different, there isn't anywhere near the pressure there is in Australia, I would say that Asian people, when they are where they are comfortable with the culture, are actually less uptight than even white parents. Where my parents were from, it was absolutely fine to roam the streets at any hour, to have pretty much unlimited freedom at a young age and to make most life decisions by oneself - rarely do you see any parents let their kids do that in Australia.
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^Really really interesting thread.
Just my thought on all this. I think that Thush's problems is deeply rooted in the fact that he's such a good guy.
So in one corner he's the obedient son who listens to his parents, yet yearn for that independence to be free of parents at the same time.
I guess I don't really have a suggestion for you, except one - follow what your heart feels bro!
Not to criticise, but from what I've seen in forums, your parents do belong in that extreme section of curry parents who demand that their son be all achieving - your mom, at least. They seem to push you hard all the way up to now, and that bubble can seriously burst. Not saying that I know you, but you could have a breakdown with your parents over their seemingly impossible goals that they set.
Better to firm up and speak out about your thoughts. Consequences will probably be hard on you for a short while if you do, but you'll probably be much happier that you've spoken out your opinions.
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I really disagree with you on that, I think the social pressure to be well educated actually doesn't stem from the Asian culture itself, but rather, it stems from the (often) hardworking Asian parents who have come to Australia to ensure that their children have the opportunity to do well. They know that education is the way up and hence, they encourage their children to study hard.
You'll see that this sort of pressure is nowhere near as strong in Asian countries - there isn't such a strong push to be educated or married. The issue is that many Asians (especially first generation) won't feel so integrated into Australian culture, they see education as a way of getting their heads up in society, they see getting married as bringing stability in an unfamiliar land and they'll see having children as continuing the family.
If you go to Asian countries (I have), you'll see that the mentality there is very different, there isn't anywhere near the pressure there is in Australia, I would say that Asian people, when they are where they are comfortable with the culture, are actually less uptight than even white parents. Where my parents were from, it was absolutely fine to roam the streets at any hour, to have pretty much unlimited freedom at a young age and to make most life decisions by oneself - rarely do you see any parents let their kids do that in Australia.
Minus india that is!
Man, it's ridiculous over there, tuition at 10 years of age! What country are you from Paul?
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I really disagree with you on that, I think the social pressure to be well educated actually doesn't stem from the Asian culture itself, but rather, it stems from the (often) hardworking Asian parents who have come to Australia to ensure that their children have the opportunity to do well. They know that education is the way up and hence, they encourage their children to study hard.
You'll see that this sort of pressure is nowhere near as strong in Asian countries - there isn't such a strong push to be educated or married. The issue is that many Asians (especially first generation) won't feel so integrated into Australian culture, they see education as a way of getting their heads up in society, they see getting married as bringing stability in an unfamiliar land and they'll see having children as continuing the family.
If you go to Asian countries (I have), you'll see that the mentality there is very different, there isn't anywhere near the pressure there is in Australia, I would say that Asian people, when they are where they are comfortable with the culture, are actually less uptight than even white parents. Where my parents were from, it was absolutely fine to roam the streets at any hour, to have pretty much unlimited freedom at a young age and to make most life decisions by oneself - rarely do you see any parents let their kids do that in Australia.
I agree with what you say about Asian parents in Australia, that is without a doubt true. As to "Asian" values, I can only speak for India and there education and marriage is still of utmost importance - it is also somewhat tied in with the family's honour etc. I would actually go as far to say that these values are more prominent there than here.
You have to remember that this all comes down to personal decision. It would be MY decision to obey my parents if and when i chose to do so. If I didn't, and didn't get married it will be my choice. Yes, there is a stigma for being unmarried and without children. Yes, there is a pressure to conform. But that doesn't mean that everyone does, listen. Yes, our values are entrenched, but could they be so entrenched that it forces us to look at other aspects of our lives and question? Does it force us to look outside tradition and values to see what one really wants? Theres the temptation factor as well.
I agree, as I mentioned earlier personally I want live my life on my own terms with my parents blessings and support, but I can see the advantages that an arranged marriage proposes.
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I agree with what you say about Asian parents in Australia, that is without a doubt true. As to "Asian" values, I can only speak for India and there education and marriage is still of utmost importance - it is also somewhat tied in with the family's honour etc. I would actually go as far to say that these values are more prominent there than here.
I agree, as I mentioned earlier personally I want live my life on my own terms with my parents blessings and support, but I can see the advantages that an arranged marriage proposes.
Yeah, a lot of Indian families came here so that their kids could avoid that obsession with education. Certainly glad I'm not part of it. All my cousins there do is study
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Yeah, a lot of Indian families came here so that their kids could avoid that obsession with education. Certainly glad I'm not part of it. All my cousins there do is study
+2000
im so glad i live here... because when i do study, i study to understand, not to memorise (like my cousins have to in India).
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I agree with what you say about Asian parents in Australia, that is without a doubt true. As to "Asian" values, I can only speak for India and there education and marriage is still of utmost importance - it is also somewhat tied in with the family's honour etc. I would actually go as far to say that these values are more prominent there than here.
Yes, I understand.
I think this is particularly relevant. A friend of mine once asked me why Asian people are so smart, I was actually really interested in this as well, so I did quite a fair bit of reading and research. My answer to his question was actually quite a simple one "sample space" - when you look at Asian people in Australia (or in the USA...etc.) you have to recognise that you are looking at a very specific subset of all Asians.
Many Asians in Australia have come here through "skilled migration" - of course there are other avenues, my parents were refugees, for example. However, most Asian parents are still skilled migrants. People who are able to get into Australia through skilled migration are generally well educated and of at least a middle-class background. This is not representative of all Asians in general. Do you think a poor labourer in Asia is able to migrate to Australia through skilled migration? It's obviously not very likely. Do you think a drug addict in Asia will be able to migrate to Australia? Again, not likely.
Most skilled migrants are probably university educated, are of good character and come from supportive and strong families. So essentially, the Asians who end up on Australian shores are actually very privileged ones.
Hence, the Asians which you see here in Australia are actually a very specific subset of all Asians, namely those who are quite smart, those who work hard and those who have taken an opportunity to further their own future and the future of their children. So of course their kids, on average, are going to be above average. On top of that, you have the added "Asians in Australia" values which I was talking about before.
So when you generalise about Asians in general, you have to consider that "Asians in Australia" are actually not indicative, at all, of the general population of Asians. I would go so far to say that if you take a truly average Asian person and by that I mean an average person from the sample space of all the Asian people in the world, you will see that they're probably about the same as an average white person (for example). Of course, there's no research to back up this claim, but it's something which makes sense.
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Damnit everyone left, that was one fine discussion though!
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Considering the relatively loose definition t-bag wrote, i think arranged marriages are acceptable here. its not always easy to find a 'love marriage' and so if love is part of the arranged marriage and if it is not forced - i.e. it is an introduction and intro only by parents - i think it is ok. Moreover, you said that sometimes the relationship is 'nurtured' by the parents, which has potential for both harm and good.
On the other hand, i thought arranged marriages were ones where the parents forced the children into a marriage disregarding their opinion. And i'm against that ype of marriage.
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Damnit everyone left, that was one fine discussion though!
The amount of control your parents have over your relationships was too bleak to handle, it was like 10x worse than watching ads of starving children.
-weeps-
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Damnit everyone left, that was one fine discussion though!
It definitely was, although I think many peoples opinions were suppressed to avoid offending one another.
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The amount of control your parents have over your relationships was too bleak to handle, it was like 10x worse than watching ads of starving children.
-weeps-
LOL nah I trust them. They're not really controlling me as such, they're just looking out for me if anything.
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LOL nah I trust them. They're not really controlling me as such, they're just looking out for me if anything.
Same difference.
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LOL nah I trust them. They're not really controlling me as such, they're just looking out for me if anything.
Yeah, I think in the future, you'll definitely be grateful for this, no matter how frustrating or annoying it may seem now.
Bottom line is that if you're okay with it, then they're probably doing the right thing. Which I think you/they are. :)
But seriously, you need some sort of a distraction from all the stuff you do throughout your day surely!! ;D
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Yeah, I think in the future, you'll definitely be grateful for this, no matter how frustrating or annoying it may seem now.
Bottom line is that if you're okay with it, then they're probably doing the right thing. Which I think you/they are. :)
But seriously, you need some sort of a distraction from all the stuff you do throughout your day surely!! ;D
Haha we know each other's pain!
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Can you imagine a non-curry girl at a curry get together. ;D ;D
Hahaha made me chuckle...no one understands what they're like until they've been to one
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Hahaha made me chuckle...no one understands what they're like until they've been to one
"Imagine how much rice there would be at the wedding.
"Hey WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING!? They're wasting the food! I told you not to invite white people to the wedding. They throw the bloody food around. Let's go to their weddings and throw mashed potatoes at them!"
Who am I quoting?
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Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.!
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Who am I quoting?
Any one of my relatives.
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Any one of my relatives.
You have multiple relatives called Russell Peters!? :P
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Hi guys wall of text quoting Paul from two pages ago:
But seriously though, all this reminds me of Romeo and Juliet, if two people like eachother, does it really matter what family they're from, what nationality they are or what culture they follow? Not to mention even more ridiculous things like religion
I get what you're saying and I partially agree: I have a cousin ( was Lutheran) who was met with disapproval from his Catholic girlfriend’s parents ( who were, incidentally, also marriage counsellors) and they still don’t like him, even though he converted to Catholicism, purely because of his Protestant upbringing.I don’t think anyone should oppose their marriage on religious grounds (even before he became Catholic.)
I think my viewpoint allows me to understand why this happens, though. The way I see it, religion is a culture in itself, and in turn, culture is shaped by belief; you can’t render either as ridiculous or irrelevant, because personal conviction, whether secular, religious ,or otherwise, build the very grounding of a person’s identity. Of course, though, this all tends to get a tad messy. So nationality, culture, religion and family /do/ matter a little in matchmaking, in that, they have to be /somewhat/ compatible. What needs to happen though is more acceptance of cultural divisions. ( All while we’re intertwined in this inexplicable mess we call the Human Race. I guess it’s kind of fun, huh?)
The truth is, just because someone's of a different "type" to us doesn't mean that we're not compatible because at the end of the day, we're all human, we all (more or less) have similar values, being raised in Australia and having been educated here.
I think you’ve oversimplified the issue here. We’re all kind of formed around the microcosm we’re brought up in - it shapes the way we think, feel and generally conceptualise the world, right? Basically your social context is what makes you, you. I totally agree that we all share a common set of values that are, for the most part, the same in our idealisation of how society should function. Yet even based on these common assumptions, the perspectives based on these backgrounds can differ dramatically. For example, a person brought up in a secular environment would find a relationship difficult with someone with a strongly theistic perspective, (albeit not impossible, I’ve seen it work) – not only because of their different beliefs but because of the completely different society they immerse themselves in. Sure they might have a lot in common with each other, including Being Raised in Australia, Being Educated Here and the general state of Being Human, but these paradigms vary SO SO SO MUCH!!!! Although they can be appreciated and valued and understood by another person, some of these views do not equate, y’know, being binarily opposed and all, even in spite of sharing common humanity and so forth. I think that’s what parents must worry about, anyway, especially if you belong to a specific cultural or religious group. On the other hand one’s worldview can be analogous to a person of a different background. John Green ( who, besides being an amazing YA novelist, is a Christian,) said on his vlog that he sometimes feels he has more in common with liberal Muslims than Conservative Christians. (I agree with this sentiment!) However, you do understand what I mean in that you can’t generalise things like that. Cultural divisions suck but I kind of understand how/why they exist. My Mum’s like “If you don’t marry a Lutheran, marry an Anglican”. Hmm. Wow. An Anglican. - _- That’s lashing out a bit.
Sorry Mum, gonna marry a liberal Muslim. ^_^
So yeah, just putting that into my own context, but terms of a Curry family, I’d imagine it would be a similar deal, except not so much religion but understanding of different cultures, right?
Btw not targeting you specifically Paul - your post is kind of just the springboard of my ideas, which may or may not still be relevant to this thread.
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Hahaha made me chuckle...no one understands what they're like until they've been to one
My aunty from the full blooded greek side of the family married a lankan dude...both sides dont really like eachother...it was real awkward for all...
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My aunty from the full blooded greek side of the family married a lankan dude...both sides dont really like eachother...it was real awkward for all...
wow! they must eat the best desserts! Yum hahah
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I feel that I should point out that my username is in fact a misnomer....and that I have only observed the so-called 'non-curry' people seeming out of place at gatherings trololol ::)
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Mirin every curry on the forum being here.
It's a fair read to go through everything, but honestly I think they're horrendous, people need to go through and make their decisions, make their own mistakes, and reap the rewards if their decision is correct.
Doesn't matter if Arranged marriages have a higher success rate, or even if you end up loving that person, something that is such a huge life decision should be yours and no one elses.
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T-bag, you are honest to a fault, my friend :)
I couldn't dislike you if I tried.
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T-bag, you are honest to a fault, my friend :)
I couldn't dislike you if I tried.
fault? what was his fault? just curious, cause i dont really understand :)
Mirin every curry on the forum being here.
It's a fair read to go through everything, but honestly I think they're horrendous, people need to go through and make their decisions, make their own mistakes, and reap the rewards if their decision is correct.
Doesn't matter if Arranged marriages have a higher success rate, or even if you end up loving that person, something that is such a huge life decision should be yours and no one elses.
+1 very true. maybe we should end the discussion here?
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fault? what was his fault? just curious, cause i dont really understand :)
+1 very true. maybe we should end the discussion here?
Figure of speech.
T-bag gets EVERYTHING off his chest :)
More than most people would.
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Figure of speech.
T-bag gets EVERYTHING off his chest :)
More than most people would.
right... sorry... -.- well im failing language analysis next year
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Mirin every curry on the forum being here.
It's a fair read to go through everything, but honestly I think they're horrendous, people need to go through and make their decisions, make their own mistakes, and reap the rewards if their decision is correct.
Doesn't matter if Arranged marriages have a higher success rate, or even if you end up loving that person, something that is such a huge life decision should be yours and no one elses.
As much as I'm inclined to agree, if not for arranged marriages I wouldn't have been born. From where I stand the best marriages are those like with my parents', where the decision was totally theirs (each of my folks said no to heaps of 'suitors') but they were just 'guided' by their families.
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LOL nah I trust them. They're not really controlling me as such, they're just looking out for me if anything.
Have you ever considered that while they have your best interests at heart, they might still be leading you astray or in the wrong direction. They want the best for you, but they're not infallible - if you really like the girl, and you've gone to the trouble of finding a girl who is also Sinhalese, then surely they'd be able to adapt eventually given that she IS from the same culture.
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As much as I'm inclined to agree, if not for arranged marriages I wouldn't have been born. From where I stand the best marriages are those like with my parents', where the decision was totally theirs (each of my folks said no to heaps of 'suitors') but they were just 'guided' by their families.
Don't get me wrong, I'm from the same family situation myself and everything is tops. Whilst most proponents of arranged marriages will argue that there are/have/and will be loving families as a result of it, the fundamental issue is that in most situations it's at the expense of a person having the ability of going out and finding someone themselves if they wished to do so.
As you can see Thushan is a great example of it. My parents would probably prefer to 'guide' me, but my taste in girls tends to agree with their expectations anyway so I'm a bit lucky in that respect.
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Don't get me wrong, I'm from the same family situation myself and everything is tops. Whilst most proponents of arranged marriages will argue that there are/have/and will be loving families as a result of it, the fundamental issue is that in most situations it's at the expense of a person having the ability of going out and finding someone themselves if they wished to do so.
As you can see Thushan is a great example of it. My parents would probably prefer to 'guide' me, but my taste in girls tends to agree with their expectations anyway so I'm a bit lucky in that respect.
Haha actually Taiga, my parents wouldn't mind me finding someone by myself, so long as I run it past them before I do anything so they can do their relevant investigations into the girl's family background. Better that than my parents realising she's not the right person for me and making me break up. I'm sticking to arranged marriage pathway simply because I don't want to hurt anyone else again.
Have you ever considered that while they have your best interests at heart, they might still be leading you astray or in the wrong direction. They want the best for you, but they're not infallible - if you really like the girl, and you've gone to the trouble of finding a girl who is also Sinhalese, then surely they'd be able to adapt eventually given that she IS from the same culture.
Haha, I guess so. But they're less likely to lead me astray than I am myself. What do I look for? Someone with whom I can toss complex ideas with, someone who's affectionate, someone who's caring/loving etc, someone who's family oriented especially (my mum was VERY family oriented!), someone who's reasonable and I can have a partnership with in making us better people in general, and most importantly, someone who is genuine. Now, I tend to see the best in people, and I tend to trust easily, so I am easily manipulated and exploited. This is where my parents come in - they are naturally suspicious people. Mum especially - she thinks the whole world is out to get her. In this case it could be an asset, because she will pick up things that I don't think about.
My parents think about things that I don't dream of. Say, family background (aunties and cousins included). That's really really important to them. You might be thinking - that's ridiculous! But as lozmatron said, your family background by and large determines your values. Also, in Lankan culture, when two people get together, it's not just them, its their entire families. And this gets awry when both people's parents come from families of 8-10 kids. That's one big family. It only takes a few serious family problems in their family to entangle you.
They also look at the girl's education - to be honest, I don't particularly agree with the way my mum goes about it. She judges people based on "scores of 40 or above" - she'd say things like "this girl did not get a single subject over 40," which is quite disheartening and quite frankly prejudicial. I would argue - "what school did she go to?" "what are the family circumstances?" "what kind of resources does she have access too etc etc." The other problem is that in Lankan society people tend to lie about their kids' scores, so my mum thinks that getting 40 is not that hard. Anyhow, while she has good intentions - she wants me to be with someone with whom I can toss complex ideas and someone I can rely on to think - her judgement calls I would say are often erroneous.
The other problem with this kind of thing is that in Lankan society, reputation is EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter how you keep it, so long as you maintain a good image. It's not about what you do wrong, it's about what people say you do wrong. So not only should we not do wrong things (duh!) we should not put ourselves in a position where people can spread rumours about you. It only takes one rumour, true or false, to completely destroy your reputation. For instance, it would be a risky move hanging with a female friend at the city, particularly if she is curry. It only takes one Lankan person to recognise you, then all the aunties are talking. There goes your rep. It would also be a risky move for any male to come to my house when my mum is home alone - for instance if a professional car mechanic were to come fix my mum's car - I have to be home as well, not because my mum is that kind of person (SHE ISN'T!) but because it only takes one person to see "woman and man who is not her husband in the garage" - that person, particularly if he is jealous, simply need start a rumour that my mum is having an affair with said mechanic, and there goes my mum's reputation and by extension mine.
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Haha actually Taiga, my parents wouldn't mind me finding someone by myself, so long as I run it past them before I do anything so they can do their relevant investigations into the girl's family background. Better that than my parents realising she's not the right person for me and making me break up. I'm sticking to arranged marriage pathway simply because I don't want to hurt anyone else again.
Haha, I guess so. But they're less likely to lead me astray than I am myself. What do I look for? Someone with whom I can toss complex ideas with, someone who's affectionate, someone who's caring/loving etc, someone who's family oriented especially (my mum was VERY family oriented!), someone who's reasonable and I can have a partnership with in making us better people in general, and most importantly, someone who is genuine. Now, I tend to see the best in people, and I tend to trust easily, so I am easily manipulated and exploited. This is where my parents come in - they are naturally suspicious people. Mum especially - she thinks the whole world is out to get her. In this case it could be an asset, because she will pick up things that I don't think about.
My parents think about things that I don't dream of. Say, family background (aunties and cousins included). That's really really important to them. You might be thinking - that's ridiculous! But as lozmatron said, your family background by and large determines your values. Also, in Lankan culture, when two people get together, it's not just them, its their entire families. And this gets awry when both people's parents come from families of 8-10 kids. That's one big family. It only takes a few serious family problems in their family to entangle you.
They also look at the girl's education - to be honest, I don't particularly agree with the way my mum goes about it. She judges people based on "scores of 40 or above" - she'd say things like "this girl did not get a single subject over 40," which is quite disheartening and quite frankly prejudicial. I would argue - "what school did she go to?" "what are the family circumstances?" "what kind of resources does she have access too etc etc." The other problem is that in Lankan society people tend to lie about their kids' scores, so my mum thinks that getting 40 is not that hard. Anyhow, while she has good intentions - she wants me to be with someone with whom I can toss complex ideas and someone I can rely on to think - her judgement calls I would say are often erroneous.
The other problem with this kind of thing is that in Lankan society, reputation is EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter how you keep it, so long as you maintain a good image. It's not about what you do wrong, it's about what people say you do wrong. So not only should we not do wrong things (duh!) we should not put ourselves in a position where people can spread rumours about you. It only takes one rumour, true or false, to completely destroy your reputation. For instance, it would be a risky move hanging with a female friend at the city, particularly if she is curry. It only takes one Lankan person to recognise you, then all the aunties are talking. There goes your rep. It would also be a risky move for any male to come to my house when my mum is home alone - for instance if a professional car mechanic were to come fix my mum's car - I have to be home as well, not because my mum is that kind of person (SHE ISN'T!) but because it only takes one person to see "woman and man who is not her husband in the garage" - that person, particularly if he is jealous, simply need start a rumour that my mum is having an affair with said mechanic, and there goes my mum's reputation and by extension mine.
Very true. Stupid part of my culture too unfortunately. But my parents have explicitly said that they don't care about reputation. Our close families have a great understanding of each other so it doesn't really become a problem, but I know plenty of others that do.
I know what you mean by your mum saying 40 isn't that hard. All my cousins who have finished VCE (3) have gotten above 90 I believe, so I think they have some slight impression that it's not as hard as they once thought.
I once joked around about those rumour things, you know how curry parents always brag about scores and stuff, I told my dad that he might not be able to brag about an above 90 score and he said that it was no one else's business but ours so..
If you were to have an arranged marriage, would the girl be from here or the motherland?
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Almost definitely here. I can't speak Sinhala. Or understand it.
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Look guys, I didn't read much of the thread (a few pages or so) and it's really disheartening to see that Bollywood has been lying to me. It seems a lot of you are happy with arranged marriages, but here is how Bollywood showed me about Curry relationships:
>Perfect daughter is not happy with life even though everything is great
>Parents see this
>Parents introduce to suitor
>There is a massive dance at the place they are introduced
>At the end of the dance, the suitor and girl are very tired and end up talking as they walk around a gorgeous garden. The suitor offends the girl in some way
>Girl storms off
>Girl meets boy from 'wrong side of tracks' but is still a great human being.
>Girl falls in love quickly
>They hide it for a while
>Parents find out. Parents investigate. Parents disapprove. Fight ensues.
>Girl says "I love him!" while the parents and rest of curry extended family are in the living room and everybody is looking like they need to gossip badly
>Random dance again
>Girl marries against will, the family finds out that the original suitor is a total wanker and discover the new husband is actually pure of heart and they now approve.
>MASSIVE happiness dance
...is this not how it happens in real life?
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^That's an incredibly accurate summary of Bollywood movies haha!
Judging from this thread, it seems many would be unwilling to take that ">Girl marries against will, the family finds out that the original suitor is a total wanker and discover the new husband is actually pure of heart and they now approve." step. Personally, I would (not that my parents would try and arrange my marriage anyway).
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so I am easily manipulated and exploited
Is this what they tell you to convince you that you need them or something? Bad break-ups happen to just about everyone, as do bad relationships, and I don't buy that your somehow more liable to be abused then any number of random people out there.
The reputation aspect is pretty difficult to traverse as well, but at the crux of the issue, I think it's more important to be able to live with yourself and be able to say you've made the best decision for yourself, rather then simply living a life trying to make others see you better. There are jealous people out there who will be jealous of your achievements no matter what you do and thus will probably try and find dirt on you to make themselves feel better. The whole concept of not living your life the way you want to in order to try and protect your reputation in the eyes of people who don't have to actually LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE seems to me to be the wrong way around. The onus should be on them to accept you for who you are, mistakes and achievements, and if they don't then how much are they really worth having in your life?
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I think we need to remember that most of us are around 18, plus or minus one or two years. I don't get the whole mentality of finding "the right girl", cause the truth is, it's a pretty low probability that a girl we get with (at this age) will be the one we end up marrying. In fact, I would argue that you're more likely to marry some random girl you meet in the future than a girl you're getting with now, it's the truth, very few teenage relationships last that long.
I know that if I were to like someone and get into a relationship, I would be thinking semi-long-term, yes, but probably not to the extent of marriage, I would be more inclined to say, OK let's see how this goes first and we'll work it out when we're at the stage where we want to get married (if we ever reach that stage). The benefits of approaching it this way (as I see it) is that you don't have to be so picky and selective, if you like someone for who they are, you should get with them, their family, what your parents think of them, their VCE scores...etc. perceptions of all of those things can change over time. Work it out when you're actually near that bridge.
I know that some parents might disapprove of a particular girl/guy only to sorta get to know them and not mind them so much. Also, things such as VCE scores will probably not matter in a few years time anyways, at that stage, other things such as her profession...etc. will dictate more heavily - things that actually matter.
So my view and take on things is to go for whoever you like now, and work things out as you go. You don't have to treat every potential girlfriend as a potential wife. Instead of going into it thinking that you'll marry her and end up with her for life, think of it as "well I like her, she likes me, so why not, we can work things out as we go".
My advice for you, Thush, is to not worry about what your parents think of girls you want to get with. Like I wouldn't go up to my parents and be like "oh hey, i like XYZ, you know, do you approve of her?" - because 1) my parents don't know anything about her, how are they to make an objective judgement on her. 2) i'd be severely limiting my chances with anyone if I did that.
I would just honestly get with her if I liked her, and once we've been going out for a while, I'll introduce her to my parents, I'll tell them about what we've been through over the past year (or whatever time), why I like her and why I think they should get to know her and like her too. Have her over for dinner, go out together and most importantly, let your parents get to know the girl, because the things they hear, the things they think and the prejudices they have may not be true. They might change their mind after they've spent time with her and gotten to know her a bit. That's my little bit of advice anyways!
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Hehe. Hence the reason why I'm going to wait until I'm in my mid-20s.
But the idea is that if I date someone, my parents don't like her, I have to desist. That'd really hurt her. Not doing that to anyone ever again.
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Hehe. Hence the reason why I'm going to wait until I'm in my mid-20s.
Good idea :)
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Hehe. Hence the reason why I'm going to wait until I'm in my mid-20s.
But the idea is that if I date someone, my parents don't like her, I have to desist. That'd really hurt her. Not doing that to anyone ever again.
If only we could take your parents to Dr Phil haha, they just seem a bit too strict on everything :(
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If only we could take your parents to Dr Phil haha, they just seem a bit too strict on everything :(
They're not that bad, they're actually not that bad at all.
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Hehe. Hence the reason why I'm going to wait until I'm in my mid-20s.
But the idea is that if I date someone, my parents don't like her, I have to desist. That'd really hurt her. Not doing that to anyone ever again.
Not encouraging you to do anything bad, but don't tell your parents Thush, they're depriving you of an important experience.
Secondly, I'm not sure about waiting till your mid-20s, what is the difference between now and then, nothing really, you'll face the same issues no matter how old you are.
I'm not trying to push my point, not at all, of course it's all your choice, but I'm just saying, you know, think about it from another angle.
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If only we could take your parents to Dr Phil haha, they just seem a bit too strict on everything :(
They could argue that our parents are too lenient! I think we're just not used to it. He's lived with them since the start so that's how he's been brought up.
Not encouraging you to do anything bad, but don't tell your parents Thush, they're depriving you of an important experience.
Secondly, I'm not sure about waiting till your mid-20s, what is the difference between now and then, nothing really, you'll face the same issues no matter how old you are.
I'm not trying to push my point, not at all, of course it's all your choice, but I'm just saying, you know, think about it from another angle.
True, while I don't agree with what they're doing, I can respect it because they're doing it in his best interest. But he doesn't seem to be against it so much anyway, so maybe nothing needs to change. But if he isn't he certainly needs to be heard louder :)
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i think thush is making the right decision, because he knows his parents and himself better than any of us. my only concern is that he makes decisions for the right reasons and not just because his parents disapprove.. although, im sure he is anyway (you know, making a sound decision), so i dont really think that his choice is in any way unjustified. i would personally have done the same.
and i personally think his parents arent 'too strict about everything'... they just love their son and want to protect him. is that so bad?
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my only concern is that he makes decisions for the right reasons and not just because his parents disapprove..
This.
And there IS always a distinction in what is "right" and what his (or anyone's) parents "approve" of. And that's where you have to step in and make that distinction and take control of your own life.
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but i still want to stress the importance of parental approval. i personally wouldnt do anything drastic outside the realms of parental acceptance. i may even try for med, cause thats wot they want
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Can I suggest that we divert the conversation away from Thushan personally? I feel like some of what's been said would make him feel pretty uncomfortable.
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True, while I don't agree with what they're doing, I can respect it because they're doing it in his best interest. But he doesn't seem to be against it so much anyway, so maybe nothing needs to change. But if he isn't he certainly needs to be heard louder :)
Remember, they're doing in what they think is his best interest, which might not be what he thinks is his best interest or what is actually truly in his best interest. Those three can be separate and distinct.
Example - A child is a heroin addict (just to break away from the issue of marriage)
- What the child thinks is in his best interest - to get heroin and inject
- What the parents thinks is in his best interest - to hide it and not tell anyone (no rehab) because it'll bring a bad reputation on the child and the family and nobody would want that
- What is actually in the child's best interest - to go to rehab
Get what I mean? :P
i may even try for med, cause thats wot they want
lol, and will it be you or your parents who pays the price for this decision in 30 years time?
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Haha this thread turned from being a discussion about marriage to thushs parents lol!
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Well, he's a really fucking fast runner, so his parents did something right in the fitness department.
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Well, he's a really fucking fast runner, so his parents did something right in the fitness department.
They gave him good genes x0x0x
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Haha, it's ok I don't mind this discussion. Will reply later.
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Personally i don't mind both.
Love marriage appeals to me more because it is more of a "trial and error" type of marriage. If things don't work out no headaches arise (maybe a bit of heartache which is still better than a wallet-ache).
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yeah, lets take the spotlight off thush for a moment.
'in countries like Iraq where the nation is fraught with war, deception and corruption, it is inappropriate to engage in love marriages, due to the unstable social structure of the environment. Arranged marriages are virtually the only means of finding a decent, non extremist partner. Discuss'
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'in countries like Iraq where the nation is fraught with war, deception and corruption, it is inappropriate to engage in love marriages, due to the unstable social structure of the environment. Arranged marriages are virtually the only means of finding a decent, non extremist partner. Discuss'
So are you implying that someone can't lie and portray a false picture of themself in order to attract a girl/guy's parents and family?
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Is when two people meet on their marriage day considered forced marriage or arranged marraige lol.
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Is when two people meet on their marriage day considered forced marriage or arranged marraige lol.
Almost definitely forced marriage because you can't exactly refuse either, but probably not as extreme as a forced forced marriage, if you know what I mean.
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Almost definitely forced marriage because you can't exactly refuse either, but probably not as extreme as a forced forced marriage, if you know what I mean.
Yeah because the angry main guy will burst into the wedding hall just before the couple tie the knot. (People who watch indian movies will know what I'm on about hah)
I'd escape the country if I were put in a situation like that.
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Has anyone read, "A Thousand Splendid Suns"?
I'd escape the country if I were put in a situation like that.
Its not so easy, kid. Those men have a reputation over there, family, shit they might actually care about. And moving to a non-extremist world could be difficult to someone that is accostomed to that lifestyle.
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Has anyone read, "A Thousand Splendid Suns"?
Its not so easy, kid. Those men have a reputation over there, family, shit they might actually care about. And moving to a non-extremist world could be difficult to someone that is accostomed to that lifestyle.
I know I know, I was messing about. But does it still happen a lot today? I imagine not, but who knows..
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So your parents want to choose and you accept.
So why are they not ok with you choosing and they accepting?
I reckon then latter is the usual one in 'upper'-class white families, as the parents have a big say as well. I mean it is quite obvious that I want a girl that my parents would accept as well.
In the second option your parents would still be the decicion makers, but they wouldn't need to search for the right chick. Win for you and win for your parents.
They say that it's MUCH more compatible. But I admit my mum is quite biased because she wants someone with whom she can relate in Sinhala (her English is not great). However, I see her (and my sister's) point in that it is less risky. Whilst inter-racial relationships may work, a culture clash, especially where one or both cultures entrench contradicting beliefs and values, is quite likely and is hard to weather I imagine.
Shouldn't you know from Med that the idea of cross-species genetics would make your child even more awesome than you (if even possible). You should actually try using that point once :p
It's shameful for me as a guy too.. I just don't like the idea of having more than one girlfriend in my life.. Neither do I want to have a girlfriend with a previous relationship either.
How should be multiple relationships be shameful? I mean if you'd say one-night-stands, I'd understand you, but how can you find the right one without trying?
And on a very different point. Let's say you meet a girl and she is the one, wouldn't you want to rock her world?
my mum thinks that getting 40 is not that hard
I don't judge your mom on this point. As you stated Lankan parents lie about their children's scores and you got freakin 6 scaled 50s. When then thinks that you should have a girl whose scores are above 40 I kinda understand her in a way, that she wants her to be kinda on your level.
I mean for partying ok, but for anything beyond that I don't really like interacting with people, which I am significantly smarter than (trust me I tried to make it sound less cocky) or those who don't care about school.
I can't speak Sinhala. Or understand it.
Didn't you speak in Sinhala to your mum at the tute? Or do you like put on a thick accent when you speak to her?
In essence, I guess I am, and many others are as well, quite heavily influenced and shaped by the upbringing of their parents, which most certainly entails that girls I date, [and I reckon it was with your girl as well], will be for sure girls my parents would accept as well.
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So your parents want to choose and you accept.
So why are they not ok with you choosing and they accepting?
I reckon then latter is the usual one in 'upper'-class white families, as the parents have a big say as well. I mean it is quite obvious that I want a girl that my parents would accept as well.
In the second option your parents would still be the decicion makers, but they wouldn't need to search for the right chick. Win for you and win for your parents.
Shouldn't you know from Med that the idea of cross-species genetics would make your child even more awesome than you (if even possible). You should actually try using that point once :p
How should be multiple relationships be shameful? I mean if you'd say one-night-stands, I'd understand you, but how can you find the right one without trying?
And on a very different point. Let's say you meet a girl and she is the one, wouldn't you want to rock her world?
I don't judge your mom on this point. As you stated Lankan parents lie about their children's scores and you got freakin 6 scaled 50s. When then thinks that you should have a girl whose scores are above 40 I kinda understand her in a way, that she wants her to be kinda on your level.
I mean for partying ok, but for anything beyond that I don't really like interacting with people, which I am significantly smarter than (trust me I tried to make it sound less cocky) or those who don't care about school.
Didn't you speak in Sinhala to your mum at the tute? Or do you like put on a thick accent when you speak to her?
In essence, I guess I am, and many others are as well, quite heavily influenced and shaped by the upbringing of their parents, which most certainly entails that girls I date, [and I reckon it was with your girl as well], will be for sure girls my parents would accept as well.
I don't know I was the only one who did that, whenever I speak to my uncles in English, I put on AMA accent
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Has anyone read, "A Thousand Splendid Suns"?
Yes, I have, and also The Kite Runner, they're both really good books with amazing storylines!
Didn't you speak in Sinhala to your mum at the tute? Or do you like put on a thick accent when you speak to her?
I'm claiming it'd be Singlish ;)
It's shameful for me as a guy too.. I just don't like the idea of having more than one girlfriend in my life.. Neither do I want to have a girlfriend with a previous relationship either.
You're talking about a relationship, yet treating it like the end of the world. How is it even shameful? I just don't understand your reasoning and logic behind that, you're not even talking about multiple marraiges, you're talking about multiple relationships.
Btw, good luck finding a girl who hasn't had a previous relationship. (I'm serious, it'll be hard).
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Yes, I have, and also The Kite Runner, they're both really good books with amazing storylines!
I'm claiming it'd be Singlish ;)
You're talking about a relationship, yet treating it like the end of the world. How is it even shameful? I just don't understand your reasoning and logic behind that, you're not even talking about multiple marraiges, you're talking about multiple relationships.
Btw, good luck finding a girl who hasn't had a previous relationship. (I'm serious, it'll be hard).
Don't worry, I realised I was going about it in the wrong way anyway. It's more of a shame to the family I think, not being with someone with a past, but breaking up with them in the first place.
But I know they'll understand since they've been here for a while.
I should just focus on VCE now I think, got a few years to worry about this. haha
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Don't worry, I realised I was going about it in the wrong way anyway. It's more of a shame to the family I think, not being with someone with a past, but breaking up with them in the first place.
But I know they'll understand since they've been here for a while.
I should just focus on VCE now I think, got a few years to worry about this. haha
Hahah, yeah, look, I know we all have preferences and certain things which might be important to one person may not be important to someone else, it's a matter of preference, I know what you mean, but of course, it'll be hard finding someone who has never had a boyfriend (or a "past" as you call it).
Breaking up with someone, idk, what if you get dumped, haha, can't do anything about that hey? :P
But yeah, look, you do have a while, and either way, there are heaps of people who go through all of highschool being relationship-virgins, so don't worry!
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I mean for partying ok, but for anything beyond that I don't really like interacting with people, which I am significantly smarter than (trust me I tried to make it sound less cocky) or those who don't care about school.
Hahahahaha love this!!! So true yet so difficult to express without 'moral high ground-ers' ripping you a new one...and all this time I felt guilty for sharing a similar sentiment
That said, there's no need not to be courteous, it's just that given the choice, inane conversations would be limited.
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Hahahahaha love this!!! So true yet so difficult to express without 'moral high ground-ers' ripping you a new one...and all this time I felt guilty for sharing a similar sentiment
That said, there's no need not to be courteous, it's just that given the choice, inane conversations would be limited.
It's a hard concept to understand, but I guess a nice way of putting it would be that the person shares your intellect, or that the person thinks similarly to you do...etc.
"Smartness" is a hard concept to define, but I understand what you mean though Florian.
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Yeah, a lot of Indian families came here so that their kids could avoid that obsession with education. Certainly glad I'm not part of it. All my cousins there do is study
lol my parent "said" they came here for that purpose but still...they say that india's education system is wayyy better >:(