Hi Elyse thank you for marking my essay, your tips were really helpful 
this is my second draft on the AOS Discovery essay in the attached document. The question is "The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks" discuss this view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and one related text.
I have made changes since the last draft I submitted and would like to know if my topic sentences and my links back to the question at the end of paragraphs are referring to the question and discovery enough, or if I need to change any of them. Also do I have enough quotes and technical analysis for each paragraph? I know I cannot write out the whole essay in 40 minutes during an exam the word length is too long and would like to know if, when it comes to cutting down the essay would it be alright to lose a few quotes and technical analysis so I am able to write it in 40 minutes or is that too important to cut out. Thanks again for taking the time to give such awesome feedback.
Hey! I'm glad you found the feedback helpful, that's important to me!
Here is your new and improved essay, without any markings from me:
Spoiler
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular, an individual may relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world. This is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) and William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition, the texts display power as an obstacle hindering an individual’s potential to discover new outlooks, whilst also exploring how discovering freedom can engender varied new perspectives.
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. In the opening scene of the play Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After discovering the damaging ramifications of his magic suffered by those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. No longer blinded by power, Prospero gains a new appreciation of humanity. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition, displaying how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocracy in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democracy. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically also ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when the boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, restoring the correct balance of power within society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it can impede upon an individual’s ability to discover new outlooks.
Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition. In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to gain new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys, including the seemingly humane characters Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon, signifying their complete regression and loss of humanity, ironically becoming the beast they were hunting. Hence both texts explore the transformative role of discovery, enhancing or degrading an individual’s humanity.
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives. In the Tempest when Prospero frees himself from power, he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as a wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction “clouds methought”, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed moral values. Here, Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. In contrast, unlike the Tempest, the discovery of freedom in Lord of the Flies does not lead to positive outlooks. Most notable is Roger's transformation, who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however with no laws or parents restricting his behaviour he progressively tests the bounds of his newfound freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that the discovery of unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper law and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos. Both texts therefore suggest that freedom can catalyse a spectrum of new perceptions, both positive and negative.
Together, the Tempest and Lord of the Flies provide insight as to how discovery involves an exchange between the loss of old perceptions and the gaining of new outlooks. Both Shakespeare and Golding suggest that power can corrupt an individual’s potential to discover, yet when relinquished it engenders new outlooks. The texts also explore how discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, and how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for one’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Here is the essay with my annotations:
Spoiler
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular, an individual may relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world (To give your thesis a little more direction - I'd end this with, "new perceptions of the world, as caused by discovery. Or, "In particular, a discovery may cause an individual to relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world." Bring discovery back into it). This (Try, this notion, this concept, but not just "this") is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) and William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition, the texts display power as an obstacle hindering an individual’s potential to discover new outlooks, whilst also exploring how discovering freedom can engender varied new perspectives. This has improved out of sight. Already I can see "power" being integrated into discovery and no longer a stand alone theme. That's awesome.)
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. (Although in the paragraph above I commented on how well power is integrated into discovery, this thesis statement doesn't do that justice. Try, "Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and the discovery of new outlooks." You need discovery in there.) In the opening scene of the play (Introduce the text her by name, not by text type) Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies.(This is a really great embedded quote!) Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After discovering the damaging ramifications of his magic suffered by those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. No longer blinded by power, Prospero gains a new appreciation of humanity. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition, displaying how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocracy in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democracy. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically also ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when the boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, restoring the correct balance of power within society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it can impede upon an individual’s ability to discover new outlooks. (Your textual analysis here is very impressive. You write with such sophistication. The next step to elevating your work is to definitely bring in discovery more thoroughly. An exercise to get your head around this is to couple every bit of textual evidence with a connection to your discovery thesis. Once you've done that, you can then cut down and relate it to the discovery every second or so textual analysis and leave the others relating to the power/discovery thesis. But right now, you are doing an excellent job in describing the text's purpose and composition and then relating it to power, but the strong sense of discovery isn't here. If you feel more comfortable, you can devote this paragraph to "relinquishing power" as being the first step to discovery, then focusing on the discovered new perceptions in the next paragraph. This means that you are really taking on the "process of discovery" because you will be talking about the different stages. However, if you choose to do that, you need to stress frequently that relinquishing power is the first stage of discovery. Discovery needs to be far more evident.)
Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition. (I like your human condition reference. However, you just need to work on your wording in here. "...deprive an individual's sense of humanity. You aren't saying that the individual is deprived of the sense of humanity, which I think is what you want to say. Perhaps change the word deprive. Try decrease, mitigate, diminish). In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to gain (Perhaps exchange gain for discover???) new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys, including the seemingly humane characters Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon, signifying their complete regression and loss of humanity, ironically becoming the beast they were hunting. Hence both texts explore the transformative role of discovery, enhancing or degrading an individual’s humanity. Again, you need to recognise the thesis more consistently. I was excited for this paragraph because your thesis statement has improved out of this world. You've now just got to carry it through the paragraphs. After the textual evidence, explicitly relate back to the thesis. This elevates your writing's integrity so so so much!)
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives. Very nice thesis statement. Very nice.In the Tempest when Prospero frees himself from power, he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as a wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction “clouds methought”, suggesting that freedom can lead to (discovering???) renewed moral values. Here, Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. In contrast, unlike the Tempest, the discovery of freedom in Lord of the Flies does not lead to positive outlooks. Most notable is Roger's transformation, who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however with no laws or parents restricting his behaviour he progressively tests the bounds of his newfound freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that the discovery of unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper law and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos. Both texts therefore suggest that freedom can catalyse a spectrum of new perceptions, both positive and negative. This is your best paragraph yet in terms of thesis integration. You're really starting to get the hang of it. I've underlined the discovery in here so that you can see it is being mentioned beyond the thesis statement! Once you start to consciously think about adding discovery, the work will fall into place magnificently. There is a little more room for improvement in terms of thesis integration, and then your paragraph will be very cohesive.
To be picky, I'd start this conclusion with a reiteration of your thesis statement. Don't talk about the texts, just talk about your overarching idea of discovery.Together, the Tempest and Lord of the Flies provide insight as to how discovery involves an exchange between the loss of old perceptions and the gaining of new outlooks. Both Shakespeare and Golding suggest that power can corrupt an individual’s potential to discover, yet when relinquished it engenders new outlooks. The texts also explore how discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, and how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for one’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Okay!!! Awesome!
The thesis statements:These are the statements I see in here:
-The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular, an individual may relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world.
-Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks.
-Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition.
-Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives.
This means that in every single paragraph, you need to talk about loss and gain explicitly, and you need to talk about values/perceptions. The key words in your overarching thesis need to be chosen wisely for this very reason: you need to mention them consistently throughout your work.
I've suggested above where the thesis statements can be improved to weave discovery through in a more cohesive way.
On the up sideThis has improved so much. I can see that you're definitely taking on board so much of what has been said. If I had to give this a mark now (which I never feel comfortable doing because I'm not a HSC marker) I'd give this about an 11. So you're hanging so close to a band 6 right here. Your textual analysis is truly, truly awesome.
What is left to improve?-Your thesis statements need more explicit discovery.
-Both your paragraph's topic sentence and the overarching thesis need to be mentioned more coherently.
I'm feeling really happy that your essay has improved so much already. This is a pleasure to read because your language is sophisticated but I'm also seeing that you've taken on the advice. I'm curious about if you've submitted this to your teacher to show her/him the changes? Hopefully they are just as impressed as I am! DEFINITELY post back when you've made changes or edits so that we can get super close to the full marks, or even get the full marks! When we've nailed the structure, I'll get this edited by another one of our contributors who will look at it with fresh eyes and work on tidying up the language - even though it is already very tidy! Just so that you are getting lots of feedback from different people.
So, take your time and have a look again, edit, play with things, whatever. Then post back when you get the chance.
Also, you probably want to start preparing your response to be applied to different possible questions. Apply it to the 2015 HSC question, and ask your teacher for your school's 2015 half yearly or your 2015 trial!
You're doing so well.
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