Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

December 09, 2024, 09:00:57 pm

Author Topic: Free AOS essay Marking!  (Read 194656 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Free AOS essay Marking!
« on: February 05, 2016, 08:41:05 am »
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for us to mark!

Hey everyone!! Welcome to the English Area of Study Essay Marking Thread. This thread is here for you to get feedback on your AoS essays from a Band 6 student. This resource exists to help you guys make huge improvements on your essay writing... Too often, teachers just write "good" or "needs explaining" or "expand". SUPER. FRUSTRATING. This is a place to properly improve :) :) :)

Before posting, please read the essay marking rules/rationale here.

Post away, and happy studies!!  ;D ;D
« Last Edit: August 04, 2017, 08:38:39 pm by jamonwindeyer »
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

Happy Physics Land

  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 335
  • MAXIMISE your marks by MINIMISING your errors
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2016, 09:09:44 am »
Hey everyone!

We've made this extra thread here on top of the free standard english essay marking and the free advanced English essay marking because we want the AOS feedback to be all in one spot - because it will be very helpful for student's to read each other's feedback!

To have your English Discovery essay marked, just:

- Post it in this thread
- Include whether you have any particular concerns about the essay. E.g., "Can you please check to see that my argument makes sense" and things like that.

Anyway, post away! Essays should be marked within a few days.

Happy studies!

Hello Elyse:

Thank you so much for doing something so great like this. I think this will help many students from the wider community in NSW. I dont have any particular concern about my essay except for my introduction. I have been quite stuck on trying to write a band 6 type intro. Therefore would it be possible for you to have a look at my essay and give me some feedbacks? Thank you so much Elyse!

Best Regards
Happy Physics Land
Mathematics: 96
Maths Extension 2: 93
Maths Extension 1: 97
English Advanced: 92
Physics: 95
Chemistry: 92
Engineering Studies: 90
Studies of Religion I: 98

2017 ATAR: 99.70
University of Sydney Civil Engineering and Commerce
University of Sydney Faculty of Civil Engineering Scholar
Student Representatives Council Student Housing Officer
City of Sydney Council Sydney Ambassador
University of Sydney Business School Student Mentor
Entrepreneur, Company of Year Junior Achievements Australia

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2016, 12:14:10 pm »
Hello Elyse:

Thank you so much for doing something so great like this. I think this will help many students from the wider community in NSW. I dont have any particular concern about my essay except for my introduction. I have been quite stuck on trying to write a band 6 type intro. Therefore would it be possible for you to have a look at my essay and give me some feedbacks? Thank you so much Elyse!

Best Regards
Happy Physics Land


Hey! So I'm copying and pasting your intro into here and I'll comment on it in bold.

Transformative experiences of discovery, involving the overcoming of obstacles and recognition towards greater human potentials, can often challenge popular social assumptions through renewed perceptions towards the reality of remote circumstances and confronting events. (Okay, I love that your first sentence doesn't just hard out agree with the question. That's a very good trait for your essay. However, you do only have one sentence before you jump into your texts. As a general rule, you should have a thesis statement, a sentence or two to flesh it out, then introduce your texts. The reason for this is, this is a concept based study, not a text based study. You need to flesh out discovery and your opinion on it, and then use the texts only as a support system. I would take out the "involving the overcoming of..." bit and leave that for your next sentence. The next sentence should flesh out the intial part a bit more, yknow, show that you understand the question but you also have something else to offer in terms of discovery.)This notion is explored in Simon Nasht’s documentary Frank Hurley: the Man who Made History (2004). This documentary holistically illustrates the magnificence of Antarctica and the atrocity of World War I, hence depicting an alternative reality of these events for a contemporary audience. Similarly, Markus Zusak’s novel The Messenger (2002) affirms the social expectations that for teenagers, life can be unfulfilling but through determined actions and self-actualisation, this expectation can be challenged. (Now I'd bring it back to discovery. Have a sentence to bring it back to discovery and not texts, rake it in a bit so that your first paragraph will be introduced following the discovery concepts in the introduction. However, I think the way you deal with the texts in the introduction is good! You just need to create the paragraph's total coherence by sewing it all together!

Hopefully this makes sense! Feel free to send again or ask any questions if anything doesn't make sense :)
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

rjkim

  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • School: Brigidine College St Ives
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2016, 09:54:34 am »
Hey everyone!

We've made this extra thread here on top of the free standard english essay marking and the free advanced English essay marking because we want the AOS feedback to be all in one spot - because it will be very helpful for student's to read each other's feedback!



To have your English Discovery essay marked, just:

- Post it in this thread
- Include whether you have any particular concerns about the essay. E.g., "Can you please check to see that my argument makes sense" and things like that.

Anyway, post away! Essays should be marked within a few days.

Happy studies!

Hi Elyse! Thanks so much for helping out! My attached link is a little different as it's not an essay but a seminar speech. I was wondering if my thesis makes sense and if I keep linking back to it? and also, if there are any bits that I could take out it would be great if you told me!
Thanks,
Rach  :) :) :)

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2016, 12:44:26 pm »
Hi can you please mark this. It would be much appreciated :) :)

You know I can! :)
Here is your unmarked essay:
Spoiler




The evolution of each individual is fertilised by their experiences of and response to discovery, highlighting the ingenuity and the dastardly intrigue that surrounds human endeavours, nature and ambitions. Bill Bryson’s scientific, non-fiction memoir; A Short History of Nearly Everything (ASHONE) and Danny Boyle’s bildungsroman film; Slumdog Millionaire (SM) characterises readers to effectuate an expressive, neoteric outlook on life through renewed perceptions of the individual and their society. The speculation of fresh future possibilities and human experiences that fabricate characteristic progression can be seen through notions of society, relationships and places disinterred through the concept of discovery.
Evolution of human nature arises in response to the rediscovery of a less than pure quest for scientific glory, highlighting the ingenuity of scientific ambitions and endeavours. Focalising discoveries contrived within the last 400 hundred years allows Bryson to bring in modern opinions and dialogue from contempory lectures and interviews, helping readers to ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Helping highlight the ingenuity and the dastardly intrigue that surrounds human endeavour and ambition leading to the rediscovery of a less pure history of the quest for scientific glory, is the relationship between ‘Sussex country doctor’; Gideon Algernon Mantel and ‘star palaeontologist’; Richard Owen.  Relationships such as these build upon Bryson’s central theme, that ‘science is full of wow moments, drama and interesting people’, which lecturer; Alison Cardinal believes ‘warmly charms the density and data of science’. The nature of experiences between Mantel and Owen takes a series of unfortunate and ironic turns in relation to what we, as the reader, discover as the ‘competitive nature of human individuals for the ‘social scientific recognition’. Bryson, through coloured language, positions his subjective viewpoint against Owen for the following scientific context, “gaunt and sinister like a villain… lamentable coldness of heart… A face to frighten babies”.  Through the semantic implementation of euphemism Bryson foreshadows the loss of value of the ‘star palaeontologist’. In 1841 while ‘Owen would achieve his greatest glory for identifying dinosaurs’ Mantel was involved in an accident which had ‘left him crippled and in chronic pain, with spine damage beyond repair’. Owen then took advantage of Mantels ‘enfeebled state’ and expurgated Mantels contributions from the record, taking credit for the discovery of species which Mantel had named over the years. The stark juxtaposition of the conditions of both individuals as well as the incorporation of indirect allegory; the abuse of power in totalitarian scientific structures, challenges what the reader believes to be the stereotypical nature of the scientific industry. Moreover Bryson’s selective use of figurative language through sympathetic tone for Mantel ‘After losing his wife, his children, his medical practice and his fossil collection…Remarkably his troubles were only the beginning’ develops pathos adhering to the discovery of his ironic unfair treatment. Owens  acts, soon come to end with an undoing of events that leads to the social discovery of the inauthenticity of Owens reports which Bryson highlight with a catharsis ‘Eventually scientist; Huxley managed to do to Owen what he had done to so many others; he had him voted out of the council’. The discovery of tenacious human ambitions and scientific relationships within the scientific social world leads to the re-discovery of less than pure experiences for scientific glory and recognition, one which emotionally evolves one’s cynical nature.

The evolution of human perceptivity results from progressive movements of society, stimulated through the discovery of the effects of human ambitions and endeavours on the broader world. One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as endeavours of key modern Australian discoverers; Tim Flannery, Alan Thorne and Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of discovery’. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, ‘astronomical picture book bungalow…quiet yet cheerful man”, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘willingness to make connections’ within society. Conversely, Bryson espouses strong contrast in negative connotation of the Australian society in the context of the global catastrophes resultant of discovery of the effects human behaviour and ambitions. The parody of Australian society’s perceptions and values in 1936 is proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farce representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. However the progressive view of Australian society due to progression in timeframes evinces the evolution of positive attitudes of the 1936 Australian society to modern day Evans. Bryson substantiates the dramatic change in discovery of social values and behaviour to convey that discovery is an ongoing aspect of not just the evolution of individuals and their effect on their world but also themselves and their values. The movements of the Australian attitudes and ambitions in response to effects of global extinction have led to the perceptive evolution of Australian society and its endeavours.

Here is the essay with a little tweaking. My comments will be in bold.

Spoiler
The evolution of each individual is fertilised by their experiences of and response to discovery, highlighting the ingenuity and the dastardly intrigue that surrounds human endeavours, nature and ambitions. (I'm just going to pull you up right here. II suggest that you split your first sentence into two. Keep the texts out of it until at least your third sentence in the introduction. This is a concept based essay, so really flesh out your ideas. When the first comma is in the first sentence, just make that a full stop and continue. This makes it flow better.Bill Bryson’s scientific, non-fiction memoir; A Short History of Nearly Everything (ASHONE) and Danny Boyle’s bildungsroman film; Slumdog Millionaire (SM) characterises readers to effectuate an expressive, neoteric outlook on life through (through discoveries that have stimulated renewed perceptions...?) renewed perceptions of the individual and their society. The speculation of fresh future possibilities and human experiences that fabricate characteristic progression can be seen through notions of society, relationships and places disinterred through the concept of discovery.

Evolution of human nature arises in response to the rediscovery of a less than pure quest for scientific glory, highlighting the ingenuity of scientific ambitions and endeavours. (This first sentence is very specified. Again, I would keep the first sentence here not even remotely text driven, and keep your follow up sentence to be your lead into the text. Then, your third sentence explicitly references the text.)Focalising discoveries contrived within the last 400 hundred years allows Bryson to bring in modern opinions and dialogue from contemporySpelling error<<< lectures and interviews, helping readers to ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Is this a quote from the text? If it isn't and is from a scholar, make sure you reference it. Otherwise, this is a great embedded quote. Helping highlight the ingenuity and the dastardly (I really like that you've used this word again after establishing it in your introduction. It shows textual integrity.)intrigue that surrounds human endeavour and ambition leading to the rediscovery of a less pure history of the quest for scientific glory, is the relationship between ‘Sussex country doctor’; Gideon Algernon Mantel and ‘star palaeontologist’; Richard Owen.  Relationships such as these build upon Bryson’s central theme, that ‘science is full of wow moments, drama and interesting people’, which lecturer; Alison Cardinal believes ‘warmly charms the density and data of science’. The nature of experiences between Mantel and Owen takes a series of unfortunate and ironic turns in relation to what we, as the reader, discover as the ‘competitive nature of human individuals for the ‘social scientific recognition’. Bryson, through coloured language, positions his subjective viewpoint against Owen for the following scientific context, “gaunt and sinister like a villain… lamentable coldness of heart… A face to frighten babies”.  Through the semantic implementation of euphemism Bryson foreshadows the loss of value of the ‘star palaeontologist’. In 1841 while ‘Owen would achieve his greatest glory for identifying dinosaurs’ Mantel was involved in an accident which had ‘left him crippled and in chronic pain, with spine damage beyond repair’. Owen then took advantage of Mantels ‘enfeebled state’ and expurgated Mantels contributions from the record, taking credit for the discovery of species which Mantel had named over the years. The stark juxtaposition of the conditions of both individuals as well as the incorporation of indirect allegory; the abuse of power in totalitarian scientific structures, challenges what the reader believes to be the stereotypical nature of the scientific industry. Moreover Bryson’s selective use of figurative language through sympathetic tone for Mantel ‘After losing his wife, his children, his medical practice and his fossil collection…Remarkably his troubles were only the beginning’ develops pathos adhering to the discovery of his ironic unfair treatment. Owens  acts, soon come to end with an undoing of events that leads to the social discovery of the inauthenticity of Owens reports which Bryson highlight with a catharsis ‘Eventually scientist; Huxley managed to do to Owen what he had done to so many others; he had him voted out of the council’. The discovery of tenacious human ambitions and scientific relationships within the scientific social world leads to the re-discovery of less than pure experiences for scientific glory and recognition, one which emotionally evolves one’s cynical nature.

The evolution of human perceptivity results from progressive movements of society, stimulated through the discovery of the effects of human ambitions and endeavours on the broader world. One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as endeavours of key modern Australian discoverers; Tim Flannery, Alan Thorne and Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of discovery’. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, ‘astronomical picture book bungalow…quiet yet cheerful man”, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘willingness to make connections’ within society. Conversely, Bryson espouses strong contrast in negative connotation of the Australian society in the context of the global catastrophes resultant of discovery of the effects human behaviour and ambitions. The parody of Australian society’s perceptions and values in 1936 is proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farce representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. However the progressive view of Australian society due to progression in timeframes evinces the evolution of positive attitudes of the 1936 Australian society to modern day Evans. Bryson substantiates the dramatic change in discovery of social values and behaviour to convey that discovery is an ongoing aspect of not just the evolution of individuals and their effect on their world but also themselves and their values. The movements of the Australian attitudes and ambitions in response to effects of global extinction have led to the perceptive evolution of Australian society and its endeavours.

End Notes: Your original thesis is strong, however, you will need more that one. Your textual ideas are there but they need to be supported by smaller separate arguments. You have an introduction, one big middle paragraph and then a conclusion. You need to break up this middle section with some smaller paragraphs. You can choose to do it like this:

Concept:
Text 1: 3 pieces of evidence
Text 2: 2 pieces of evidence

Repeat.

Or you can show that discovery is never identical but choosing two different concepts to test each text against, and not have an integrated essay. Your next step is definitely working out how exactly you will break up this middle bit. You have existing strong ideas, but you need to flesh them out more to show a marker that you definitely know what you are talking about when it comes to discovery, and your texts back you up!


What other sections of the discovery rubric can be seen in your text? Can you flesh them out more with more textual evidence? In an exam, it is exhausting for a marker to read long paragraphs. Even if it doesn't appear to be long typed, when written in an exam, these types of paragraphs go over a page and a marker is left wondering when they will be given a space to reflect on what they just read.

Keep studying! Your ideas are there, you just need to flesh them out with a bit more support from the rubric and the text.
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2016, 12:19:21 pm »
Hi Elyse! Thanks so much for helping out! My attached link is a little different as it's not an essay but a seminar speech. I was wondering if my thesis makes sense and if I keep linking back to it? and also, if there are any bits that I could take out it would be great if you told me!
Thanks,
Rach  :) :) :)

Hey Rach! Totally cool that you've been given a speech to do, I'm assuming for an assignment?

Here is your original work, unedited:
Spoiler
Discoveries have the ability to change, alter and transform. Discuss.
Welcome to today’s seminar, where we will discuss how discoveries have the ability to change, alter and transform.
Confronting encounters can transform an individual’s identity and lead them on a journey of self-discovery, effectively altering and changing the way they perceive life.
We are able to see this journey of changing identity and self-discovery in The Motorcycle Diaries by Che Guevara and Margaret Atwood’s “Journey to the Interior”.
The Motorcycle Diaries is ultimately a collection of memoirs that highlights pre-revolutionary Che Guevara who undergoes a journey of changing identity as a result of a confronting discovery. We’re meant to effectively recognise that Che’s initial reason of embarking on a journey around Latin America was for adventure and entertainment. Additionally, we are able to recognise that he comes to an appreciation of the challenges of the physical journey of discovery, whilst encountering the hospitality of the people he meets which alters his identity.
Che highlights that the journey was a discovery of humanity and human experience, where we are able to experience his path to activism, which is showcased by the metaphor “I’ll leave you now with myself, the man I used to be”. The metaphor clarifies how the experiences caused an emotional and psychological impact on him, and allowed him to become more socially conscious which ultimately highlights his transformation following his discovery. It also recognises that the person Che now writes about in the memoir was irrevocably effected by the discoveries that changed his train of thought and guided him to his change in identity.
Confronting discovery similarly acted as a catalyst for Che’s identity to be altered, as he started to realise his role in bringing about social change. His speech at the San Pablo leper colony on his 24th birthday highlights how his identity changes as a result of his discovery through the repetitive use of “we” in “We constitute a single mestizo race”. Through speech, the inclusive “we” also enables the responder to discover that Che’s identity is changing as he begins to mature due to confronting encounters and realises that he is the man of the people.
Che also alludes to communism, demonstrating his understanding of South American poverty that prompts his discovery ad thus, transforms the way he perceives life. The biblical allusion in “all they want is to earn their daily bread” demonstrates how his confronting discovery of a cruel and injustice society has also implanted Che was a sense of purpose. As he is someone who came from a privileged background and is able to help the less fortunate, he is able to change how he thinks as he connects to the rest of humanity through a changed perspective that catalyses a transformation in his identity.
The transformative nature of discovery is also examined in “Journey to the Interior” by Margaret Atwood as the persona undergoes a journey of self-discovery, similar to Che Guevara. Through a metaphorical journey into the mind, Atwood is able to comment on the nature of self-discovery. The title itself suggests how the poem is about an individual on a quest from the exterior into the inner depths of the human psyche to discover more about themselves in an unfamiliar landscape. The metaphor “endless as prairies” also highlight a metaphorical journey into the mind, imagination prompting discovery and having no boundaries as the human mind is bountiful and limitless.
Atwood also uses structured sentences and metaphors to visualise her newly discovered perception of life in her metaphysical journey. By the metaphor “the lack of reliable charts”, she is able to comment on how interior journeys are less concrete and predictable. This mirrors Che’s discovery upon his entrance in Chile, where he states “I was looking in to the future”; both Che and the persona are allowing themselves to open up to self-discovery, ultimately transforming their lives. Atwood also talks of “the distraction of small details: your shoe among the brambles under the chair… a paring knife” and uses 2nd person to comment on how distractions stop individuals on seriously examining their inner self. She also uses the strange imagery of “your shoe among the brambles” to highlight the disorientation one feels when undergoing a psychological enlightenment, emphasising new discoveries remove one from their comfort zone and change their lives.
As we have discovered from Che Guevara’s memoir and Margaret Atwood’s poem, confronting encounters lead individuals on journeys of self-discoveries and transform an individual’s identity. Through the ramifications of discovery, the responder is able to understand how these discoveries alter the way an individual thinks, thus leading the responder on a changing discovery as well. Now, isn’t that convenient?

Here is your speech with some of my annotations. I'm writing these annotations on my first reading so you will receive the feedback based on my first impressions, the way a marker would receive it.

Spoiler
Discoveries have the ability to change, alter and transform. Discuss.

Welcome to today’s seminar, where we will discuss how discoveries have the ability to change, alter and transform.
Confronting encounters can transform an individual’s identity and lead them on a journey of self-discovery, effectively altering and changing the way they perceive life. You've brought up some good discovery ideas here. Transformation and self discovery are the two rubric sections I see so far. However, I see you're about to jump into texts. I don't know what your time restraints are, but I'd stop here and flesh out discovery more. In the same way that a discovery essay is CONCEPT based not TEXT based, you're seminar speech should be the same. You should be trying to teach the audience something about discovery and then the texts are merely a back up to it all, giving your argument strength. So if you have the time here, be amusing to the audience and flesh out some discovery ideas before moving on.
We (I like your inclusive first person, considering that this is a speech)are able to see this journey of changing identity and self-discovery in The Motorcycle Diaries by Che Guevara and Margaret Atwood’s “Journey to the Interior”.
The Motorcycle Diaries is ultimately a collection of memoirs that highlights pre-revolutionary Che Guevara who undergoes a journey of changing identity as a result of a confronting discovery. We’re meant to effectively recognise that Che’s (Do they refer to Che Guevara by first name in the text? If not, definitely stick to surname)initial reason of embarking on a journey around Latin America was for adventure and entertainment. Additionally, we are able to recognise that he comes to an appreciation of the challenges of the physical journey of discovery, whilst encountering the hospitality of the people he meets which alters his identity.
Che highlights that the journey was a discovery of humanity and human experience, where we are able to experience his path to activism, which is showcased by the metaphor “I’ll leave you now with myself, the man I used to be”. The metaphor clarifies how the experiences caused an emotional and psychological impact on him, and allowed him to become more socially conscious which ultimately highlights his transformation following his discovery. (That was a nice embedded quote).It also recognises that the person Che now writes about in the memoir was irrevocably effected by the discoveries that changed his train of thought and guided him to his change in identity.
Confronting discovery similarly acted as a catalyst for Che’s identity to be altered, as he started to realise his role in bringing about social change. His speech at the San Pablo leper colony on his 24th birthday highlights how his identity changes as a result of his discovery through the repetitive use of “we” in “We constitute a single mestizo race”. Through speech, the inclusive “we” also enables the responder to discover that Che’s identity is changing as he begins to mature due to confronting encounters and realises that he is the man of the people.
Che also alludes to communism, demonstrating his understanding of South American poverty that prompts his discovery ad(and??) thus, transforms the way he perceives life. The biblical allusion in “all they want is to earn their daily bread” demonstrates how his confronting discovery of a cruel and injustice society has also implanted Che was a sense of purpose. As he is someone who came from a privileged background and is able to help the less fortunate, he is able to change how he thinks as he connects to the rest of humanity through a changed perspective that catalyses a transformation in his identity.

Okay, so because you haven't come to Atwood until now (by the way - love Atwood), I think you should remove her from the beginning where you mention the two texts. Because you mentioned her earlier, I was expecting the texts to be integrated. Instead you should take her out from the beginning and use this little slot in the speech to reconnect with the audience, share some musings. Ask, "so, do you see the confronting nature of discovery and its transformative nature?" then recap what you've said all above in one sentence. Then say something like "still not convinced? Let's have a look at Atwood..." or, "The Diaries aren't the only testament to discoveries being confronting and transformative, Atwood's...." Remember your text type is a seminar speech. It is formal but the speech allows for relapses into colloquialism. So don't be afraid to use that to your advantage. I think it will strengthen your grasp of the text type, make your presentation sound more appealing, but it also highlights discovery far better.)

The transformative nature of discovery is also examined in “Journey to the Interior” by Margaret Atwood as the persona undergoes a journey of self-discovery, similar to Che Guevara. Through a metaphorical journey into the mind, Atwood is able to comment on the nature of self-discovery. The title itself suggests how the poem is about an individual on a quest from the exterior into the inner depths of the human psyche to discover more about themselves in an unfamiliar landscape. The metaphor “endless as prairies” also highlight a metaphorical journey into the mind, imagination prompting discovery and having no boundaries as the human mind is bountiful and limitless. Your grasp on this text appears strong already.
Atwood also uses structured sentences and metaphors to visualise her newly discovered perception of life in her metaphysical journey. By the metaphor “the lack of reliable charts”, she is able to comment on how interior journeys are less concrete and predictable. This mirrors Che’s discovery upon his entrance in Chile, where he states “I was looking in to the future”; both Che and the persona are allowing themselves to open up to self-discovery, ultimately transforming their lives. Atwood also talks of “the distraction of small details: your shoe among the brambles under the chair… a paring knife” and uses 2nd person to comment on how distractions stop individuals on seriously examining their inner self. She also uses the strange imagery of “your shoe among the brambles” to highlight the disorientation one feels when undergoing a psychological enlightenment, emphasising new discoveries remove one from their comfort zone and change their lives.
As we have discovered from Che Guevara’s memoir and Margaret Atwood’s poem, confronting encounters lead individuals on journeys of self-discoveries and transform an individual’s identity. Through the ramifications of discovery, the responder is able to understand how these discoveries alter the way an individual thinks, thus leading the responder on a changing discovery as well. Now, isn’t that convenient? Love this ending!!!!

End Notes:
That was awesome! I truly loved this speech. Your textual grasp seems quite strong and I don't really have any pointers around that. However, you can play with your structure a little more to enhance the presentation value of the speech but also to enhance the way you flesh out discovery, thus giving it greater prevalence that the texts.

I'm truly impressed, you should be very happy!
Feel free to post back if you make any changes and want opinions or anything like that :)
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

NKD

  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2016, 03:09:11 pm »
Hi there :) this is my AOS Discovery essay in the attached document. The question or rather statement is "The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks" discuss this view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and one related text.

I would like to know if there is anything that does not fit in or that I might be able to take out. I don't mind a bit of criticism :) and want to know what I am doing right and more importantly what I can improve upon. If you could also estimate what kind of mark this essay might get that would be great as well. Thank you for providing this service. I hope to hear from you shortly. Thanks!

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2016, 05:29:00 pm »
Hi there :) this is my AOS Discovery essay in the attached document. The question or rather statement is "The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks" discuss this view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and one related text.

I would like to know if there is anything that does not fit in or that I might be able to take out. I don't mind a bit of criticism :) and want to know what I am doing right and more importantly what I can improve upon. If you could also estimate what kind of mark this essay might get that would be great as well. Thank you for providing this service. I hope to hear from you shortly. Thanks!

Hey! Welcome to ATAR Notes - glad to see you've posted. I'm guessing that your mark is out of 15 and isn't altered for the half yearlies? I've heard of some schools altering criteria for half yearlies because they expect a different standard of work to what is expected in the HSC. I'm not sure if this applies to you. Nonetheless, I'll give you a round-about number (even though I don't have the criteria around) that sounds fitting to your work!

Here is your essay, unedited:
Spoiler
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular an individual may change their way of thinking enabling them to discover new perceptions of the world. This is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) as well as William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition the texts display power as an established way of thinking that can hinder an individual's ability to discover, as well as how freedom can have either positive or negative aspects on discovery.
Discovery can either limit or enhance an individual's established perceptions on the fine line dividing men and monsters. In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. The Elizabethan court and society represents law and order whereas the island represents a more primitive state of being. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to discover new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy interchangeable divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys including Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon towards the end of the novel, signifying their complete regression ironically becoming the beast they were hunting to begin with. 




Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. The tempest itself is a symbol of Prospero's magical abuse of power and his desire to control others. Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest in the opening scene of the play, when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. In particular Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After seeing what his abuse of magic and power has done to those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power and magic, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. Prospero is no longer blinded by power, enabling him to embrace new outlooks. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition to display how power can be all-consuming.  Jack represents the primitive autocratic government in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democratic government. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group.  In the denouement when boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, embracing renewed outlooks on the proper balance of power that exists in society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it impacts an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking. In the Tempest. When Prospero frees himself from power he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed and positive outlooks on life. Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. However, in contrast, unlike the Tempest, in Lord of the Flies freedom does not lead to positive outlooks because on the island all the boys are powerful with no parents or laws restricting their behaviour. Most notable is Roger's transformation who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however he progressively tests the bounds of his new-found freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no punishment or consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper government, laws and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos.



Together, the texts provide insight as to how discovery must involve an individual's eagerness to embrace new perceptions of the world. Both Shakespeare and Golding explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish between men and monsters and can therefore hinder an individual's opportunity to discover. In addition, the texts display how power can corrupt an individual's moral compass and restrict them from embracing new ways of thinking, yet it can also foster redemption and discovery. The Tempest and Lord of the Flies demonstrate how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.

Here is your essay, with my own annotations upon first reading:
Spoiler
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. Already, this thesis is very original and fresh! In particular an individual may change their way of thinking enabling them to discover new perceptions of the world.(There is just a little problem with the flow here, and I'm being picky. I'm not seeing the link between the first sentence and the second and clearly as you and I would like. Is the changing of the way of thinking the loss? I'm also left wondering, does a discovery lead to changing of thinking which then enables even further discoveries? That is what makes the most sense to me - it is just the start bit of this sentence that interrupts the flow, makes me question things? :) ) This is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) as well as William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). (This sentence doesn't do anything but say that two texts have a discovery. Can you flesh these out more, give each text their own sentence perhaps? Relate them both to specialised types of discoveries that are yet to be mentioned? Eg, physical, intellectual, spiritual, emotional...)Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. (This sentence to me is fairly removed from discovery - perhaps it will make more sense to me as I read on, but right now I'm left a little confused.) In addition the texts display power as an established way of thinking (I don't know that power is a way of thinking. I think that glorifying power is a way of thinking, stopping at nothing in the pursuit of power is a way of thinking...thinking that power is the ultimate medal is a way of thinking...) that can hinder an individual's ability to discover, as well as how freedom can have either positive or negative aspects on discovery.

Discovery can either limit or enhance an individual's established perceptions on the fine line dividing men and monsters.(I see that we have come back to the men and monsters. Noted. I see where it is going a little more now, this sentence makes more sentence than the first.) In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. The Elizabethan court and society represents law and order whereas the island represents a more primitive state of being. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity.(we've just gone four sentences without mentioning discovery. The following sentence that does mention discovery doesn't have a direct link to the sentences about the island and the Elizabethan court - perhaps this is a weaker argument and should be removed? I mean, I like your textual analysis, it is very interesting. But, I don't see it has a place in this discovery essay.) This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to discover new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy interchangeable divide between monsters and men. (Yasss! I love a good integrated essay!)In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. (I've been thinking it this whole time but I haven't said it yet - your language is very, very good.)Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys including Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon towards the end of the novel, signifying their complete regression ironically becoming the beast they were hunting to begin with.  At the end of this paragraph, I'm left wishing you had ended with a non-text based sentence that summed up your thesis. I'm also left wondering where the original thesis comes into this paragraph? I see the monsters and men, but the loss/gain idea that opens your essay is not as clear here. In order for your essay to have integrity, this needs to flow through. Everything needs to link back to discovery.)




Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. The tempest itself is a symbol of Prospero's magical abuse of power and his desire to control others. Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest in the opening scene of the play, when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. In particular Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After seeing what his abuse of magic and power has done to those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power and magic, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. Prospero is no longer blinded by power, enabling him to embrace new outlooks. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition to display how power can be all-consuming.  Jack represents the primitive autocratic government in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democratic government. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group.  In the denouement when boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, embracing renewed outlooks on the proper balance of power that exists in society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it impacts an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
(Your writing is lovely, truly. However, you have just written a paragraph about power in the middle of a discovery essay. I see hints of discovery in there from the rubric but you are not actually saying the word discovery. In creative writing, it is suggested that you don't actually say discovery. However, in an essay, you've got to. The alarm bells started ringing as soon as I realised discovery was not in your first or second sentence in the paragraph and that's when I scrolled down to see if it was there at all. I think a marker would be confused to read this. There is no discovery mention nor a mention of your thesis. Don't forget, always bring everything back to discovery. You can do this by saying that one may discover that power isn't all it is cracked up to be, or that with true power you can discover what you couldn't before, etc. If you really want to talk about power, the option is kind of there. But you can't write a paragraph about power. You can only write a paragraph about discovery, that is supported by texts, and may or may not use the theme of power as being an obstructing or catalyst for discovery.

Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking. Bring it back to discovery. "Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives."In the Tempest. When Prospero frees himself from power he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed and positive outlooks on life. Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. However, in contrast, unlike the Tempest, in Lord of the Flies freedom does not lead to positive outlooks because on the island all the boys are powerful with no parents or laws restricting their behaviour. Most notable is Roger's transformation who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however he progressively tests the bounds of his new-found freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no punishment or consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper government, laws and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos.
(Same as the last paragraph, we have little discovery in here.)



Together, the texts provide insight as to how discovery must involve an individual's eagerness to embrace new perceptions of the world. Both Shakespeare and Golding explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish between men and monsters and can therefore hinder an individual's opportunity to discover. In addition, the texts display how power can corrupt an individual's moral compass and restrict them from embracing new ways of thinking, yet it can also foster redemption and discovery. The Tempest and Lord of the Flies demonstrate how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.

End Notes:
What you are doing well:

-Your language is pretty spot on in that it isn't too showy or shy.
-Your language conveys a sophisticated tone.
-Your textual analysis is not weak.

What can be improved:
-There definitely needs to be more discovery here. A marker would severely penalise you for only dealing explicitly with discovery in one out of three body paragraphs.
-Your thesis statements beginning each paragraph need to be little branches off a big tree. So, your initial thesis should be even more universal that what it is right now. Perhaps bring it way out more, say that discovery is a shared human experience, say that discovery is universal, integral, something like that. Then use your first sentence. Then you need to have three smaller ideas that branch off this. If you want to talk about loss/gain, then have a paragraph discussing the importance of a persona being willing to let go as the first step to discovery, then a paragraph discussing the obstructions from achieving this (power, perhaps?) and then a paragraph talking about how discovery is transformative of opinions (the ultimate gain).


If I had to give you a mark, it might be sitting on about 8/15 right now. If this was a thematic essay with no constraints to discovery, it would be far higher. But because you haven't adequately dealt with the key term it is a little difficult to bump above the mid range. Please don't be disheartened. When you go to edit through this essay it will look like a really big annoying impossible task. But when you break through, you'll realise that your new essay will also be far more adaptable to a variety of stimuli. Feel free to post back any time, or ask any questions about specific things. Like I said, your language is pretty well spot on. It is just a structural thing that is linked to AOS essays only! Hopefully this helps you out a bit. Don't shy away from asking any questions! Happy writing :)
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

jkkke

  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 7
  • School: yr12
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #8 on: February 27, 2016, 09:54:10 pm »
Hey this is my essay for aos just wondering if my thesis is strong enough and the layout is good? Thankyou :)

mowereda

  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • School: grc oatley
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2016, 10:33:18 am »

Howard aims to give in site and a deeper understanding on the severity of mental illness and the experience of being a genius. This is done through Ron Howard’s creative cinematic techniques. He portrays the themes of mental illness genus and relationships 
Howards aim to portray the serious impacts of schizophrenia by giving the viewer a firsthand perspective of mental illness.
This is shown during the scene which john has been captured by Dr Rosen.
John has demanded Charles to reply but he doesn’t. In this scene Howard utilizes jump shots to show both Dr Rosen and john nashis perspective.
Ron Howard tries to exhibit that even if you are mentally ill that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a genius and that you can’t strive for your goals.
This is shown in the scene when john Nash is staring at the pen when the professor hands it to someone in the restaurant.
John is steering through the window watching the professor giving the pen to a former person and he wishes he was in the other guys poison 

Ron Howard focuses a lot on relationships and there importance throughout the movie a beautiful mind through John and Alicia’s relationship
This is shown in many different scenes how John Nash when he is down looks at the handkerchief that she gave him and also is shown how Alicia uses conforting hand gestures on Johns body
John was upset then he takes out the handkerchief and all he remembers is that he has someone that loves him (Alicia) also when Nash was going to kill Alicia se showd him

In conclusion, Ron Howard has creatively portrayed the life of John Nash. He has caused the ambulance to question their judgements on people with a mental illness by showing that you can still pesterer and be successful despite being mentally ill.

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #10 on: February 29, 2016, 10:47:26 am »
Hey this is my essay for aos just wondering if my thesis is strong enough and the layout is good? Thankyou :)

Here is your essay:
Spoiler
Discoveries require an inner power of courage and resilience to overcome adversity that may arise. Discoveries can offer renewed perception of ourselves and others that surround us. In the play ‘Away’ by Micheal Gow and the movie ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ by Jonathan Dayton, the characters discover their inner facades and materialistic views and learn about themselves, which gives them a new perception of life.
In the play “Away’, Gwen discovers that her way of thinking can be changed to value her family rather than an artificial perception of beauty. At the start of the film Gwen values materialistic possessions and stresses the smaller things in life which is demonstrated in the line ‘I hope no one expects to take any of my good towels to the beach. Throughout the play, Gwen reveal the reasons for her attitudes during an argument with her daughter Meg with emotive language ‘Sacrificed! Gone without. Gone through hardships so what happened to us will never happen to you. So you’ll never see what we saw- never, never, never’, this demonstrates Gwen’s experience throughout the depression which has carried her and led her to place money so highly she has become close minded which is damaging her relationships. After losing her possessions in the storm, it allows Gwen to reassess her priorities in life ‘No. Let’s walk. Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm.’ The water is symbolic of Gwen’s change and she is now ready to cleanse herself and discover happiness and love. Throughout the play, Gwen discovers her materialistic views lead to her relationships being damaged and once discarding her artificial values she was able to build stronger relationships in her life seen in her heartfelt apology ‘I’m sorry…’ She therefore discovered a renewed perception of herself after going through adversity.
In the film “Little Miss Sunshine’ Richard resembles Gwen as he discards his materialistic and artificial views and builds a stronger relationship with his family. In the opening scene of the film when Richard is delivering a speech the low angled close up shot of his passionate face saying ‘There are two types of people in this world. Winners and losers’ conveys he is a stereotypical motivational speaker and puts on an enthusiastic fascade. When the family are eating ice cream Richard educates his daughter about the fat content in ice-cream with a close up shot ‘Olive, if you eat a lot of ice cream you might become fat’ this displays Richards’s commercial ideas as he is highly concerned about image .Throughout the movie Richard continues with his materialistic views as he  but after his father’s death he says ‘Are we winners or losers’ his tone revealing that he is starting to lose faith in his philosophy and no longer says it with conviction much like Gwen who loses conviction in her discriminatory comments. When Richard reconnects with his family he loses his false sense of beauty and the family all enjoy their unique attributes which is demonstrated as they all dance on stage to the background song ‘I’m a super freak. In the end Richard discovers the unimportance of outward appearances and begins to value inner beauty and perceives himself and the people around him in a completely different way.
In ‘Away’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ the characters Coral and Dwayne both experience depression and do not fit in to the social norms of society. Coral is grief stricken from the death of her son in Vietnam which is revealed in her soliloquy ‘All these children playing and me sitting in the dark wiping away tears’, her inability to heal has created a rift between her and her husband. Coral tries to put on a facade that she is well and when speaking to Rick uses the repetition ‘I’m much better, much better’ this conveys that Coral is trying to conform to social expectations and convince herself and her husband that she is healing. During the play she meets Rick and Tom who help to rediscover her identity. Tom helps her to move on when they perform a play together that reflects understanding that she can no longer be with her so and must move. The figurative language ‘I’m walking!’,I’,m walking!’  Coral begins healing and reconciliation of her new self. Coral goes from being a grief stricken depressed Mum to rediscovering a new perception of herself and not worry about conforming to society’s needs. She now has different perception to the people surrounding her and they have different opinions on her, she also found a relationship with Rick who helps her communicate with others better and strengthens her relationship with relationship with Roy, who have now renewed their perceptions of each other and have a future together.
Dwayne in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ also is depressed and disengages himself with society. He ‘hates everyone which is conveyed in a close up shot of him purposely writing ‘I hate everyone’ and then angrily underlining ‘everyone’. The family embark on a road trip and were forced to communicate and work together to get Olive to her beauty contest. Olive tests Dwayne for a colour-blind test and reveals he is then Frank says ‘You can’t fly jets if you’re colour-blind’ this destroys everything Dwayne has been working towards and was his only way to escape his dysfunctional family but as his family rediscovers their bond, he begins to accept the outcome. Dwayne and Frank discuss the struggles and depressions of life and a mid-shot of Dwayne yelling with conviction ‘Life is just one beauty contest after another. If I want to fly, I’ll fly’ which demonstrates Dwayne’s value to his family and their uniqueness discovers his drive to succeed despite the obstacles. Dwayne begins as an alienated depressed boy and discovers that regardless of obstacles and social norms he will find a way and will not give up. He also now values others around him and is now dancing with the family he initially hated, discovering a love for them.
All the characters in these texts went through a discovery and found renewed perception of themselves which took inner courage. Gwen and Richard realise more important concepts of life and not worrying about a false sense of beauty and Dwayne and Coral overcome depression and social norms to enjoy life and not care about social expectations, all characters came out with a new perception of life and perceived others around them in new ways. This has changed the way I now view the world as it conveys that if a person has the courage to overcome an adversity that happens in life it can lead to new perceptions of the world and offer a rediscovery of yourself.

Now here is your thesis:
Discoveries require an inner power of courage and resilience to overcome adversity that may arise. Discoveries can offer renewed perception of ourselves and others that surround us.

So, I really like that you have two sentences to start your essay that aren't text based. That's showing that you know this essay is about discovery and not about texts. However, I just want to change up your modality a little. Because you are talking conceptually, you will to lower the modality. Rather than saying "Discoveries require an inner power..." try, "Discoveries often require an inner..."
The next thing about this is your noun placement. So the subject noun her is "discoveries." This means, you are saying that discoveries require inner power. I don't think this is what you mean to say because this means that you are personifying discovery. I think you are more likely to say "Individuals may need to possess an inner power of power and resilience to overcome adversity in a way that leads to discoveries." This shifts the focus onto the individual's process, which suits your paragraphs better.

Your second sentence is taken almost directly from the rubric. This doesn't show originality to the marker so I suggest you change that up. You've said, "Discoveries can offer renewed perception of ourselves and others that surround us." I suggest that if you want to keep this notion, you lead on from the first sentence saying, "These discoveries have the ability to transform individual's perception of themselves and their surroundings."

As for the structure:
I suggest that you start each paragraph non-text related. You want to enhance your understanding of discovery in every paragraph instead of showing that you know your texts really well. You want to show that you know discovery really well. So start the paragraphs with variations of your thesis or weave the essay's question in here.

Remember that every time you mention a quote, you want to be able to link it to a technique and the effect it has on revealing discovery. Also, avoiding "this" and "this quote" improves the way your writing reads. Embedded quotes are wonderful for making a seamless sentence.

It is really good that you've made connections between the texts in here!

For your conclusion: start the paragraph with a discovery-based sentence, not text based. Then use your first sentence as your second sentence. Be sure to quote the names of the texts again and not just say "these texts." Feel free to say "these texts" after you have established the texts within the paragraph.

You are sitting at a really good length for your essay so that's awesome! Keep up the great work. Once you tweak the structure of the paragraphs and the thesis statements, your writing will improve twofold. These are the small little things that make the writing pop! Don't be afraid to post back, hopefully this helps! :)
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #11 on: February 29, 2016, 10:57:50 am »
Howard aims to give in site and a deeper understanding on the severity of mental illness and the experience of being a genius. This is done through Ron Howard’s creative cinematic techniques. He portrays the themes of mental illness genus and relationships 
Howards aim to portray the serious impacts of schizophrenia by giving the viewer a firsthand perspective of mental illness.
This is shown during the scene which john has been captured by Dr Rosen.
John has demanded Charles to reply but he doesn’t. In this scene Howard utilizes jump shots to show both Dr Rosen and john nashis perspective.
Ron Howard tries to exhibit that even if you are mentally ill that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a genius and that you can’t strive for your goals.
This is shown in the scene when john Nash is staring at the pen when the professor hands it to someone in the restaurant.
John is steering through the window watching the professor giving the pen to a former person and he wishes he was in the other guys poison 

Ron Howard focuses a lot on relationships and there importance throughout the movie a beautiful mind through John and Alicia’s relationship
This is shown in many different scenes how John Nash when he is down looks at the handkerchief that she gave him and also is shown how Alicia uses conforting hand gestures on Johns body
John was upset then he takes out the handkerchief and all he remembers is that he has someone that loves him (Alicia) also when Nash was going to kill Alicia se showd him

In conclusion, Ron Howard has creatively portrayed the life of John Nash. He has caused the ambulance to question their judgements on people with a mental illness by showing that you can still pesterer and be successful despite being mentally ill.

Hey there!
Do you need an ORT for your essay? Is this an assignment where you only have to mention one text? Just curious!
I'm going to suggest a scaffold to you and you might be able to flesh out some ideas better like this. I'll write it as though you are only doing one text :)

Introduction:
-Overarching sentence about discovery.
-Smaller sentence about discovery that addresses the essay's question.
-Introduction of the text
-Idea about discovery in the text.
-Fuse your two first sentences together.

Paragraph One
-Sentence about discovery, not relating to text.
-Bring in the text and use your textual evidence here.
-Quote, technique, effect.
-Quote, technique, effect.
-Summarising sentence about discovery or discovery in the text.

Paragraph Two (You haven't got this in your essay yet. So you'll need to go back to your text to flesh this part out by finding some more quotes and views on discovery!  :))
-Sentence about discovery, not relating to text.
-Bring in the text and use your textual evidence here.
-Quote, technique, effect.
-Quote, technique, effect.
-Summarising sentence about discovery or discovery in the text.

Conclusion:
-Sentence about discovery that relates to your essay question but also your thesis.
-Discovery in your text.
-Summarising discovery.

If you try this scaffold, the length of your essay will extend but it will also have more structure to it. If you have an Other Related Text, just slip that in with the same body-paragraph structure :)
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!

NKD

  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #12 on: March 01, 2016, 10:01:19 pm »
Hi Elyse thank you for marking my essay, your tips were really helpful :) this is my second draft on the AOS Discovery essay in the attached document. The question is "The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks" discuss this view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and one related text.

I have made changes since the last draft I submitted and would like to know if my topic sentences and my links back to the question at the end of paragraphs are referring to the question and discovery enough, or if I need to change any of them. Also do I have enough quotes and technical analysis for each paragraph? I know I cannot write out the whole essay in 40 minutes during an exam the word length is too long and would like to know if, when it comes to cutting down the essay would it be alright to lose a few quotes and technical analysis so I am able to write it in 40 minutes or is that too important to cut out. Thanks again for taking the time to give such awesome feedback. :)

lowrifunnell

  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 9
  • School: Brigidine College Randwick
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2016, 08:14:01 pm »
Hi!! thanks so much for this!! just so you know I haven't written a conclusion because i usually just write that on the day depending on the question (is this a good idea...?). I've also tried to make it quite general without including key terms obviously, so it will probably be a bit longer than this when I write it on the day. I don't think I have any particular concerns for my essay, just maybe if it makes sense at all?
thank you so much!!!

elysepopplewell

  • HSC Lecturer
  • Honorary Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Legend
  • *******
  • Posts: 3236
  • "Hey little fighter, soon it will be brighter."
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #14 on: March 04, 2016, 10:53:07 am »
Hi Elyse thank you for marking my essay, your tips were really helpful :) this is my second draft on the AOS Discovery essay in the attached document. The question is "The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks" discuss this view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and one related text.

I have made changes since the last draft I submitted and would like to know if my topic sentences and my links back to the question at the end of paragraphs are referring to the question and discovery enough, or if I need to change any of them. Also do I have enough quotes and technical analysis for each paragraph? I know I cannot write out the whole essay in 40 minutes during an exam the word length is too long and would like to know if, when it comes to cutting down the essay would it be alright to lose a few quotes and technical analysis so I am able to write it in 40 minutes or is that too important to cut out. Thanks again for taking the time to give such awesome feedback. :)

Hey! I'm glad you found the feedback helpful, that's important to me!

Here is your new and improved essay, without any markings from me:
Spoiler
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular, an individual may relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world. This is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) and William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition, the texts display power as an obstacle hindering an individual’s potential to discover new outlooks, whilst also exploring how discovering freedom can engender varied new perspectives.
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. In the opening scene of the play Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After discovering the damaging ramifications of his magic suffered by those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. No longer blinded by power, Prospero gains a new appreciation of humanity. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition, displaying how power can be all-consuming.  Jack represents the primitive autocracy in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democracy. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically also ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group.  In the denouement when the boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, restoring the correct balance of power within society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it can impede upon an individual’s ability to discover new outlooks.






Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition. In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to gain new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys, including the seemingly humane characters Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon, signifying their complete regression and loss of humanity, ironically becoming the beast they were hunting. Hence both texts explore the transformative role of discovery, enhancing or degrading an individual’s humanity.
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives. In the Tempest when Prospero frees himself from power, he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as a wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction “clouds methought”, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed moral values. Here, Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. In contrast, unlike the Tempest, the discovery of freedom in Lord of the Flies does not lead to positive outlooks. Most notable is Roger's transformation, who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however with no laws or parents restricting his behaviour he progressively tests the bounds of his newfound freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that the discovery of unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper law and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos. Both texts therefore suggest that freedom can catalyse a spectrum of new perceptions, both positive and negative.



Together, the Tempest and Lord of the Flies provide insight as to how discovery involves an exchange between the loss of old perceptions and the gaining of new outlooks. Both Shakespeare and Golding suggest that power can corrupt an individual’s potential to discover, yet when relinquished it engenders new outlooks. The texts also explore how discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, and how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for one’s ability to embrace new outlooks.

Here is the essay with my annotations:
Spoiler
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular, an individual may relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world (To give your thesis a little more direction - I'd end this with, "new perceptions of the world, as caused by discovery. Or, "In particular, a discovery may cause an individual to relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world." Bring discovery back into it). This (Try, this notion, this concept, but not just "this") is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) and William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition, the texts display power as an obstacle hindering an individual’s potential to discover new outlooks, whilst also exploring how discovering freedom can engender varied new perspectives. This has improved out of sight. Already I can see "power" being integrated into discovery and no longer a stand alone theme. That's awesome.)

Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. (Although in the paragraph above I commented on how well power is integrated into discovery, this thesis statement doesn't do that justice. Try, "Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and the discovery of new outlooks." You need discovery in there.) In the opening scene of the play (Introduce the text her by name, not by text type) Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies.(This is a really great embedded quote!) Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After discovering the damaging ramifications of his magic suffered by those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. No longer blinded by power, Prospero gains a new appreciation of humanity. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition, displaying how power can be all-consuming.  Jack represents the primitive autocracy in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democracy. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically also ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group.  In the denouement when the boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, restoring the correct balance of power within society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it can impede upon an individual’s ability to discover new outlooks. (Your textual analysis here is very impressive. You write with such sophistication. The next step to elevating your work is to definitely bring in discovery more thoroughly. An exercise to get your head around this is to couple every bit of textual evidence with a connection to your discovery thesis. Once you've done that, you can then cut down and relate it to the discovery every second or so textual analysis and leave the others relating to the power/discovery thesis. But right now, you are doing an excellent job in describing the text's purpose and composition and then relating it to power, but the strong sense of discovery isn't here. If you feel more comfortable, you can devote this paragraph to "relinquishing power" as being the first step to discovery, then focusing on the discovered new perceptions in the next paragraph. This means that you are really taking on the "process of discovery" because you will be talking about the different stages. However, if you choose to do that, you need to stress frequently that relinquishing power is the first stage of discovery. Discovery needs to be far more evident.)


Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition. (I like your human condition reference. However, you just need to work on your wording in here. "...deprive an individual's sense of humanity. You aren't saying that the individual is deprived of the sense of humanity, which I think is what you want to say. Perhaps change the word deprive. Try decrease, mitigate, diminish). In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to gain (Perhaps exchange gain for discover???) new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys, including the seemingly humane characters Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon, signifying their complete regression and loss of humanity, ironically becoming the beast they were hunting. Hence both texts explore the transformative role of discovery, enhancing or degrading an individual’s humanity. Again, you need to recognise the thesis more consistently. I was excited for this paragraph because your thesis statement has improved out of this world. You've now just got to carry it through the paragraphs. After the textual evidence, explicitly relate back to the thesis. This elevates your writing's integrity so so so much!)

Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives. Very nice thesis statement. Very nice.In the Tempest when Prospero frees himself from power, he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as a wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction “clouds methought”, suggesting that freedom can lead to (discovering???) renewed moral values. Here, Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. In contrast, unlike the Tempest, the discovery of freedom in Lord of the Flies does not lead to positive outlooks. Most notable is Roger's transformation, who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however with no laws or parents restricting his behaviour he progressively tests the bounds of his newfound freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that the discovery of unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper law and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos. Both texts therefore suggest that freedom can catalyse a spectrum of new perceptions, both positive and negative. This is your best paragraph yet in terms of thesis integration. You're really starting to get the hang of it. I've underlined the discovery in here so that you can see it is being mentioned beyond the thesis statement! Once you start to consciously think about adding discovery, the work will fall into place magnificently. There is a little more room for improvement in terms of thesis integration, and then your paragraph will be very cohesive.

To be picky, I'd start this conclusion with a reiteration of your thesis statement. Don't talk about the texts, just talk about your overarching idea of discovery.Together, the Tempest and Lord of the Flies provide insight as to how discovery involves an exchange between the loss of old perceptions and the gaining of new outlooks. Both Shakespeare and Golding suggest that power can corrupt an individual’s potential to discover, yet when relinquished it engenders new outlooks. The texts also explore how discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, and how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for one’s ability to embrace new outlooks.

Okay!!! Awesome!

The thesis statements:
These are the statements I see in here:

-The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular, an individual may relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world.
-Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks.
-Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition.
-Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives.
This means that in every single paragraph, you need to talk about loss and gain explicitly, and you need to talk about values/perceptions. The key words in your overarching thesis need to be chosen wisely for this very reason: you need to mention them consistently throughout your work.
I've suggested above where the thesis statements can be improved to weave discovery through in a more cohesive way.

On the up side
This has improved so much. I can see that you're definitely taking on board so much of what has been said. If I had to give this a mark now (which I never feel comfortable doing because I'm not a HSC marker) I'd give this about an 11. So you're hanging so close to a band 6 right here. Your textual analysis is truly, truly awesome.

What is left to improve?
-Your thesis statements need more explicit discovery.
-Both your paragraph's topic sentence and the overarching thesis need to be mentioned more coherently.

I'm feeling really happy that your essay has improved so much already. This is a pleasure to read because your language is sophisticated but I'm also seeing that you've taken on the advice. I'm curious about if you've submitted this to your teacher to show her/him the changes? Hopefully they are just as impressed as I am! DEFINITELY post back when you've made changes or edits so that we can get super close to the full marks, or even get the full marks! When we've nailed the structure, I'll get this edited by another one of our contributors who will look at it with fresh eyes and work on tidying up the language - even though it is already very tidy! Just so that you are getting lots of feedback from different people.

So, take your time and have a look again, edit, play with things, whatever. Then post back when you get the chance.

Also, you probably want to start preparing your response to be applied to different possible questions. Apply it to the 2015 HSC question, and ask your teacher for your school's 2015 half yearly or your 2015 trial! :) You're doing so well.
Not sure how to navigate around ATAR Notes? Check out this video!