(2) Sonnet Corrections :)

[IndefatigableLover]

So I have two sonnets that I would like you guys to read so I can get feedback and any corrections if possible. Also title suggestions are possible which one would you prefer? Also I don't know which words are supposed to be in iambic pentameter... I know it's meant to be weak-strong-weak-strong but I can't seem to identify the words >.<
 Minor note: Due on Monday lol


When you’re in love, you want to have it all,
Forever looking for the perfect fit,
Yet what we once shared, has led to our fall,
Our love… so strong, you will not escape it.

I want you to try to understand me,
I want to tell you… but I cannot say,
For the one who speaks, will not leave with glee,
Yet the one who leaves will see night... not day.

I'm here, I exist, my soul screams for you,
I will wander through these endless hallways;
Endlessly searching for the girl I knew,
I will love you, forever and always.

O’ how I keep crying inside my heart,
For we are not one, but now far apart.


Everyday I wake up smiling at you
cause I know I'll see your beauteous face,
I roll over to get a better view
To learn pain as you leave your warm embrace.

Remember me, but only when we kissed,
or will you forget and find a new love?
I would like to think that I will be missed
Mainly when I am called by God above.

Conceivably I worry needlessly
Luckily I know you are more than fine
Oh but darling, I am seventy-three
It doesn’t matter if you’re twenty-nine.

Live in these things for all eternity
This world, this life, this age… discrepancy.

[EvangelionZeta]

First of all, what aspect of iambic pentameter are you not "getting"?  Because it's actually really essential for this sort of form to have it down pat, and the fact that you're writing willy-nilly really really affects the readibility of your verse.  Some particular critiques:

When you’re in love, you want to have it all,
Forever looking for the perfect fit,
Yet what we once shared, has led to our fall,
Our love… so strong, you will not escape it This rhyme I feel is quite forced - again perhaps because of the fact that you're not writing to meter, the buildup to "it" feels really awkward and makes the ending of the stanza quite jarring..

I want you to try to understand me,
I want to tell you… but I cannot say,
For the one who speaks, will not leave with glee,
Yet the one who leaves will see night... why the ellipses and not commas?  Maybe one ellipsis is cool, but I feel like you're really overdoing what is usually a quite unusual grammatical construct in sonnet writing. not day.

I'm here, I exist, my soul screams for you I feel like the comma here would be better as a full stop - maybe that's just me though.  See what you think.
I will wander through these endless hallways;
Endlessly searching for the girl I knew, ditto here re comma vs full stop
I will love you, forever and always.

I feel like there is a weird disjunction between stanza 3 and the final couplet, like they are almost completely disjointed.  You want your poem to flow, and not for it to be messy and awkward. 

O’ how I keep crying inside my heart,
For we are not one, but now far apart.

[EvangelionZeta]

Everyday I wake up smiling at you
cause 'Cause makes it feel like some sort of pop song.  Is this your intended effect? I know I'll see your beauteous face,
I roll over to get a better view This makes the narrator sound like either some sort of creep or like somebody who wants to check out a mountain or something.  Do you mean to convey this?
To learn pain as you why "you", and not "I"? leave your warm embrace.

Remember me, but only when we kissed,
or will you forget and find a new love?
I would like to think that I will be missed
Mainly when I am called by God above. Can you feel how this is a very forced rhyme, and even a very forced line?  What do you mean "Mainly" when I am called by God above?  Why would you even be called by God above, and what for?  Also, the word "Mainly"  makes this sound rather like some sort of diplomatic/academic analysis.

Conceivably Again, sounds like weird academic speak. I worry needlessly
Luckily I know you are more than fine
Oh but darling, I am seventy-three
It doesn’t matter if you’re twenty-nine. So maybe you are going for the creep effect then? :p

Live in these things for all eternity
This world, this life, this age… discrepancy. LOL.

I get that this might have been comedic, but even if this is the case, some of the other bits are a bit odd and I'm not sure are what you want.  A more effective parody of love poetry (from a creepy perspective) I think might play up the flowery language more, to convey a sense of false romanticism.

[IndefatigableLover]

First of all, what aspect of iambic pentameter are you not "getting"?  Because it's actually really essential for this sort of form to have it down pat, and the fact that you're writing willy-nilly really really affects the readibility of your verse.  Some particular critiques:

When you’re in love, you want to have it all,
Forever looking for the perfect fit,
Yet what we once shared, has led to our fall,
Our love… so strong, you will not escape it This rhyme I feel is quite forced - again perhaps because of the fact that you're not writing to meter, the buildup to "it" feels really awkward and makes the ending of the stanza quite jarring..

I want you to try to understand me,
I want to tell you… but I cannot say,
For the one who speaks, will not leave with glee,
Yet the one who leaves will see night... why the ellipses and not commas?  Maybe one ellipsis is cool, but I feel like you're really overdoing what is usually a quite unusual grammatical construct in sonnet writing. not day.

I'm here, I exist, my soul screams for you I feel like the comma here would be better as a full stop - maybe that's just me though.  See what you think.
I will wander through these endless hallways;
Endlessly searching for the girl I knew, ditto here re comma vs full stop
I will love you, forever and always.

I feel like there is a weird disjunction between stanza 3 and the final couplet, like they are almost completely disjointed.  You want your poem to flow, and not for it to be messy and awkward. 

O’ how I keep crying inside my heart,
For we are not one, but now far apart.

Well I test my verses out by writing 'De-DUM' for the syllables and see if they match. It's just when I say it, it feels weird and 'forced' like I don't know what I'm doing T_T
Just to address something from this quote:
I usually use ellipses when I write and it's been incorporated in due to habit not because of the intended effect... Edit: Damn just did it again

Everyday I wake up smiling at you
cause 'Cause makes it feel like some sort of pop song.  Is this your intended effect? I know I'll see your beauteous face,
I roll over to get a better view This makes the narrator sound like either some sort of creep or like somebody who wants to check out a mountain or something.  Do you mean to convey this?
To learn pain as you why "you", and not "I"? leave your warm embrace.

Remember me, but only when we kissed,
or will you forget and find a new love?
I would like to think that I will be missed
Mainly when I am called by God above. Can you feel how this is a very forced rhyme, and even a very forced line?  What do you mean "Mainly" when I am called by God above?  Why would you even be called by God above, and what for?  Also, the word "Mainly"  makes this sound rather like some sort of diplomatic/academic analysis.

Conceivably Again, sounds like weird academic speak. I worry needlessly
Luckily I know you are more than fine
Oh but darling, I am seventy-three
It doesn’t matter if you’re twenty-nine. So maybe you are going for the creep effect then? :p

Live in these things for all eternity
This world, this life, this age… discrepancy. LOL.

I get that this might have been comedic, but even if this is the case, some of the other bits are a bit odd and I'm not sure are what you want.  A more effective parody of love poetry (from a creepy perspective) I think might play up the flowery language more, to convey a sense of false romanticism.

Again just to clarify:
No 'Cause is not meant to be a pop song. Didn't realise it gave it that effect :/
And yes the narrator is a creep who is dying (God Above) and doesn't want to leave his woman.
As for the rhymes, using the technique my friend gave me, I understand how it is forced and will amend it asap.

Thanks EZ