Compilation of Text Response Feedback

[simba]

I'm sorry if this entire essay just sounds like a heap of word vomit, I was really struggling with the time constraints! Be as harsh as possible, text response is definitely sucking right now

EDIT: just read my intro again and I've used the word significantly three times, gah!

'A persons surroundings can influence them' discuss in relation to Twelve Angry Men'

1950s America was characterised by a rigid fear towards those who embodied traits of difference. Reginald Rose's 'Twelve Angry Men' examines the ways in which an individuals environment can impact their ability to view the case objectively. The physical setting of the jury room provides a significant source of tension, impacting the decision making skills of each juror. Furthermore, the surroundings in which each juror was raised contribute significantly to their position on the case. Not only the physical settings contribute to an individual's perception on the case; the other jurors significantly influence each other's viewpoint on the case, ultimately reiterating the importance of the surrounding environment in determining each jurors final verdict.

The jury room is utilised by Rose throughout the play as a means of influencing each jurors position on the case. The physical heat inside the jury room is symbolically utilised by Rose to demonstrate the mentality of the short tempered characters. The heat itself causes discomfort to the majority of the jurors, only aggravated as they realise the fan "doesn't work." This heat encourages the each juror to vote guilty in order to quickly leave the "large, drab room." It is not until the jurors begin to discuss the notion of the defendants innocence that the physical conditions of the jury room improve. As the vote stands 6 guilty to 6 not guilty, the jurors are finally able to turn on the fan, recognising "it must have been connected to the light switch." Subsequently, Rose hints that the fan will work to "cool things off" between the jurors. Furthermore, Rose utilises the props in the jury room to further influence the decision making skills of each juror. As 8th Juror requests to see the "curiously designed knife" used as the murder weapon, he produces his own switch blade, the two being "exactly alike." Since the prosecution had painfully drawn out the importance of the uniqueness of the murder weapon, the other jurors begin to reconsider their notion of the defendants guilt, influenced by the physical presence of the two switch knives.

Each juror in 'Twelve Angry Men' has been raised in differing environments, significantly contributing to how each juror views the case. Raised in Germany, the 11th Juror recognises the "importance of democracy," subsequently taking his position as a jury member seriously and "not making [it] a personal thing." When challenged by the 10th Juror about his demeanour, the 11th Juror defends himself by stating "it was the way I was brought up." Rose utilises the 11th Juror to imply the significance an individuals upbringing provides to their final verdict, with the 11th Juror being able to recognise the importance of an "honest and thoughtful" deliberation. In contrast, Rose condemns characters such as 10th Juror, who were raised in the capitalistic environment of America. Throughout the play, Rose asserts the 10th Jurors certainty of the defendants guilt, his reasoning being "they want to destroy us." The 10th Jurors constant repetition of phrases such as "them" when discussing the defendants type eludes to the fact that 10th Jurors upbringing influences his view on the case, being unable to rationalise the defendants case beyond a misconceived stereotype.

The views of each individual juror are pivotal in influencing the final verdict of the others. Throughout the play, 8th Juror maintains that the defendant "may be guilty," but he has "reasonable doubt in [his] mind" as a defence for his verdict of "not guilty." It is the 8th Jurors perceptive outlook on the case that causes the other jurors to consider the notion of the defendants innocence, encouraging them to view the case outside the overwhelming initial appearance of guilt. 8th Juror consistently challenges each jurors verdict on the case by asking them the simple question "do you think the boy is guilty?" Rose characterises the 8th Juror as perceptive, reflected in his repetitive stage direction of "looking out of the window." The window is utilised as a symbol of objectivity throughout the play, implying the 8th Juror views the case beyond the constraints of the jury room. Subsequently, this implication of a balanced and rational verdict by the 8th Juror influences the other jurors to agree with his vote. When juxtaposed with the irrational and insubstantial arguments of the 3rd and 10th Jurors, who are unable to identify solid non-prejudiced reasoning for their verdict, 8th Jurors logical reasoning heavily influences the other Jurors final verdict of "not guilty."

'Twelve Angry Men' serves to reiterate the multitude of ways in which and individuals surroundings can influence their perception on the case. Through creating a tense physical environment, Rose aims to demonstrate the ways in which the jurors physical environment impact their final verdict. Furthermore, Rose demonstrates the significance of each jurors upbringing in their ability to rationalise the case. By creating characters such as the 8th Juror, Rose ultimately demonstrates the significance of the surrounding physical, personal and social surroundings in influencing each jurors final verdict.

[DoctorWho]

Overall, you have good ideas but sometimes it feels like your paragraphs are just a list of topic sentences. The structure you follow is 'Dickens insinuates/suggests X (you've made big claims, eg. ' Dickens suggests that morality is the saviour of mankind'), then Dickens reinforces X.' This is great but your discussion and textual knowledge seems to be lacking. I want to see you refer to the minor characters that demonstrate Dickens' ideal moral man - I'm thinking of Old Fezziwig and Fred here. Some more quoting would be nice too. The novella is laden with description, weave some of that into your own writing.

Also, don't look at the story as 'rich people need to help out the poor so they can be good people'. Scrooge himself becomes happier when he becomes a second father to Tiny Tim. There are two main elements in this prompt 'moral tale' and 'social commentary'. Be sure to define the key words explicitly in your essay. You can add some depth to it by describing the link between the two, rather than commenting on them separately.

I hope this somehow helps

Thank you so much! I gave this essay to my teacher and got a series of ticks and one sentence at the end which read, 'very well-written piece'. That's actually been the majority of her feedback throughout the whole year. Your comments are so helpful! I'll definitely work on what you've pointed out, I agree that I don't explore the text thoroughly enough, but it's mainly because I don't want to fall back into 'retelling' the story. I understand what you mean though and I'll definitely work on my analysis a bit more.

[shooterblitz]

Just keen on some general feedback prior to tomorrow! Any advice is welcome, feel free to comment/mark Thanks!

Question: 'A Christmas Carol' suggests that although an obsession with money is harmful, an adequate amount of money can make people both comfortable and happy.' Do you agree?

Charles Dickens’ classical novella ‘A Christmas Carol’ is set in the midst of the Victorian London era, whereby the Industrial Revolution manifested itself within society and the economy. The tale surrounds main character Ebenezer Scrooge and his drive for money, and more so how he redeems himself to move away from greed. Dickens, the omniscient narrator additionally implements various secondary characters, who help develop an entertaining and enthralling novella, to serve his purpose. The narrative explores the negative repercussions that result from an obsession with money, which is understood through Scrooge’s life experiences. Although, the suggestion that an adequate amount of money can provide people with both comfort and happiness, stands incorrect. The novella evidently explains that it is not necessary to obtain monetary means to achieve well-being and pleasure. Dickens illustrates such an idea through the Cratchit family; a family that takes part in the proletariat aspect of society, Tiny Tim; a crippled young boy, and Belle; Scrooge’s past love interest. In turn, through secondary characters, Dickens claims that money in turn tends to destroy and harm individuals, rather than declare positive consequences. 

Dickens asserts that there is no need for monetary means, even adequate sums, to achieve or find pleasure and wellbeing through the Cratchit family. The omniscient narrator’s description of the Cratchit family suggests that ‘They were not a handsome family; they were not well dressed… their clothes were scanty…” Such a description validates Dickens’ argument at a latter point, although the reader is made aware about the lack of possessions and wealth carried by the Cratchit family and furthermore their position in society as part of the proletariat class. Dickens then asserts, “… they were happy, grateful, pleased with one another, and contented with the time.” Such an illustration painted by Dickens suggests that despite the lack of adequate money, or possessions, the Cratchit family obtained comfort and happiness. This tends to evidently suggest that there is no requirement for monetary means within families to grasp a sense of comfort or pleasure. The omniscient narrator’s idea is further validated through his description of the Christmas celebrations in the Cratchit household, whereby he states “The children were all dancing around, the fire was lit, and the potatoes were popping out of the kettle.” A descriptive statement, with an enlightened connotation declares that the Cratchit household lacked worry and stress upon Christmas, whereby their financial circumstances would not abide by such behaviour. Dickens’ illustration of the Cratchit family tends to further suggest that the author believes that there is no need for monetary means to obtain comfort or pleasure. It is further understood that Dickens’ motives to make such a claim derive form his personal experiences during the Industrial Revolution where he gave up education and worked to free his family from the debtors jail. Dickens’ drive to save his family to achieve comfort is represented through the attitudes of the Cratchit family in a slight sense. Overall, one way through which Dickens suggests that money, even an adequate amount is not necessary to obtain happiness is illustrated through the Cratchit family and their attitudes despite their financial circumstances. However, another way via which Dickens insinuates such an idea is through a different secondary character, Tiny Tim.

Dickens further insinuates that an adequate amount of money does not necessarily incline to provide happiness and comfort, through the secondary character of Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim is the youngest child of the Cratchit family, and is understood to have a generic medical condition, which is life defying and causes him to have a ‘wooden-leg’. Such medical conditions tended to be regular amongst the children of the proletariat class, and can be understood to be due to the appalling working conditions in the past for Tiny Tim, during the manifestation of the Industrial Revolution. The novella illustrates Tiny Tim as a positive and happy child, with a sustaining attitude to life, which tends to oppose the generalised view to life he should instead possess – which is on the opposite spectrum. Although the reader is not exposed to much dialogue from Tiny Tim, the memorable statement “God Bless us all everyone!” upon the dinner table summarises the joy and care Tiny Tim has for other, more so than for himself. The words ‘bless everyone’ suggest that he wishes to give his family blessings and grace, despite the understanding that he in turn needs it more than anyone else due to his medical circumstances. Although at a latter point in the narrative, the omniscient narrator asserts that Scrooge provided monetary means to help Tiny Tim recover, the idea that money does not provide happiness and comfort stands clear. Dickens positions the character of Tiny Tim to have generosity and comfort in life despite a serious medical condition, which requires money to fixate, but without an adequate sum, Tiny Tim is shown to still have happiness. Overall, the idea that money, in generous sum tends to provide Dickens argues one with comfort and happiness against, through his portrayal of Tiny Tim’s character. Dickens showcases Tiny Tim as a positive and generously hearted being who wishes the best for everyone, despite his financial and medical circumstances. The omniscient narrator further develops his argument through another secondary character in the narrative, Belle.

Another character, which Dickens tends to characterise to illustrate that money, even an adequate sum has no contribution to an individual’s level of comfort and happiness is Belle. Belle is a secondary character in the narrative that appears during the sequence in Stave 2, where the Ghost of Christmas Past shows Scrooge his younger years. The character of Belle is used by the omniscient narrator in a subtle sense, whereby her role tends to be significantly short, yet significantly influential. Moreover, Dickens tends to insinuate that comfort and happiness is not a product of money, as Scrooge’s drive for money and his support of Belle leads to a break up in their relationship. Belle claims “All your other hopes have merged into the hope of being beyond the chance of its sordid approach. I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off, one by one, until the master passion, Gain, engrosses you.” Dickens purposely claims through Belle’s thoughts that despite having an adequate amount of money, she fails to obtain happiness and comfort, which further illustrates that the omniscient narrator is against the idea of finding comfort and happiness through money. In the narrative, it is observed that Belle is instead worried and uncomfortable with the amount of ‘gain’ her fiancée is obtaining, which essentially puts her away from comfort and happiness. Making such an assertion allows Dickens to continue to suggest that regardless of the amount, money tends to have no causation in comfort or happiness, whereby in Belle’s scenario, she is instead forced to give up money and her relationship with Scrooge to obtain pleasure and wellbeing. Overall, Dickens, the narrator uses the minor secondary character of Belle to essentially educate the audience that regardless of the amount of money, happiness and comfort cannot be achieved. Particularly, Dickens showcases Bella breaking up her relationship with Scrooge as money provided her with relationship problems, as well as a lack of well being and comfort.

In conclusion, the novella ‘A Christmas Carol’, written by Charles Dickens tends to educate the reader that an obsessive amount of money is harmful, although even an adequate amount of money can not provide one with comfort or happiness. The omniscient narrator asserts such an idea through showcasing the attitudes, circumstances and decisions of secondary characters. In particular, Dickens presents the proletariat class family; the Cratchit’s and their attitudes in life despite their difficult financial and medical circumstances, Tiny Time and his ideas and attitude to life despite not having enough funds t save himself, and Belle; Scrooge’s love interest who decides to leave Scrooge after not finding happiness or comfort solely with money. The overall idea is sufficiently emphasised upon by Dickens, and tends to portray a significant life lesson to the reader.

[Sapphire]

Thank you so much! I gave this essay to my teacher and got a series of ticks and one sentence at the end which read, 'very well-written piece'. That's actually been the majority of her feedback throughout the whole year. Your comments are so helpful! I'll definitely work on what you've pointed out, I agree that I don't explore the text thoroughly enough, but it's mainly because I don't want to fall back into 'retelling' the story. I understand what you mean though and I'll definitely work on my analysis a bit more.

You're welcome Oh that's annoying, I've had my fair share of those kinds of teachers. Best of luck tomorrow John!

for shootersid:

Question: 'A Christmas Carol' suggests that although an obsession with money is harmful, an adequate amount of money can make people both comfortable and happy.' Do you agree?

Charles Dickens’ classical novella ‘A Christmas Carol’ is set in the midst of the Victorian London era, whereby the Industrial Revolution manifested itself within society and the economy. It’s great to see you starting with a contextualising sentence but it doesn’t need to be that long. Refer to Victorian England or the Industrial Revolution, not both. However, you can use them interchangeably throughout your essay. The tale surrounds main character Ebenezer Scrooge and his drive for money, and more so how he redeems himself to move away from greed. Good. Dickens, the omniscient narrator additionally implements various secondary characters, who help develop an entertaining and enthralling novella, to serve his purpose. I don’t see the relation here? I know what you’re getting at BUT you really need to make yourself clearer. Especially in the introduction, EVERYTHING should link to the question clearly. The narrative explores the negative repercussions that result from an obsession with money, which is understood through Scrooge’s life experiences. Although, the suggestion that an adequate amount of money can provide people with both comfort and happiness, stands incorrect. This is pretty much copied from the question, think of another way to say it. The novella evidently explains that it is not necessary to obtain monetary means to achieve well-being and pleasure. Dickens illustrates such an idea through the Cratchit family; a family that takes part in the proletariat aspect of society, Tiny Tim; a crippled young boy, and Belle; Scrooge’s past love interest. you don’t need to be so specific in your introduction. Mentioning the Cratchit family is enough, you do not need to list characters and provide description about them, that’s what the body paragraphs are for In turn, through secondary characters, Dickens claims that money in turn tends to destroy and harm individuals, rather than declare positive consequences. 

Dickens asserts that there is no need for monetary means, even adequate sums, to achieve or find pleasure and wellbeing through the Cratchit family. refer to feedback at the bottom about this point The omniscient narrator’s description of the Cratchit family suggests that ‘They were not a handsome family; they were not well dressed… their clothes were scanty…” Such a description validates Dickens’ argument at a latter point, although the reader is made aware about the lack of possessions and wealth carried by the Cratchit family and furthermore their position in society as part of the proletariat class. Dickens then asserts, “… they were happy, grateful, pleased with one another, and contented with the time.” Such an illustration painted by Dickens suggests that despite the lack of adequate money, or possessions, the Cratchit family obtained comfort and happiness. This tends to evidently suggest that there is no requirement for monetary means within families to grasp a sense of comfort or pleasure. The omniscient narrator’s idea is further validated through his description of the Christmas celebrations in the Cratchit household, whereby he states “The children were all dancing around, the fire was lit, and the potatoes were popping out of the kettle.” A descriptive statement, with an enlightened connotation declares that the Cratchit household lacked worry and stress upon Christmas, whereby their financial circumstances would not abide by such behaviour. Dickens’ illustration of the Cratchit family tends to further suggest that the author believes that there is no need for monetary means to obtain comfort or pleasure. It is further understood that Dickens’ motives to make such a claim derive form his personal experiences during the Industrial Revolution where he gave up education and worked to free his family from the debtors jail. Dickens’ drive to save his family to achieve comfort is represented through the attitudes of the Cratchit family in a slight sense. Overall, one way through which Dickens suggests that money, even an adequate amount is not necessary to obtain happiness is illustrated through the Cratchit family and their attitudes despite their financial circumstances. However, another way via which Dickens insinuates such an idea is through a different secondary character, Tiny Tim.

Dickens further insinuates that an adequate amount of money does not necessarily incline to provide happiness and comfort, through the secondary character of Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim is the youngest child of the Cratchit family, and is understood to have a generic medical condition, which is life defying and causes him to have a ‘wooden-leg’. Such medical conditions tended to be regular amongst the children of the proletariat class, and can be understood to be due to the appalling working conditions in the past for Tiny Tim, during the manifestation of the Industrial Revolution. The novella illustrates Tiny Tim as a positive and happy child, with a sustaining attitude to life, which tends to oppose the generalised view to life he should instead possess – which is on the opposite spectrum. Although the reader is not exposed to much dialogue from Tiny Tim, the memorable statement “God Bless us all everyone!” upon the dinner table summarises the joy and care Tiny Tim has for other, more so than for himself. The words ‘bless everyone’ suggest that he wishes to give his family blessings and grace, despite the understanding that he in turn needs it more than anyone else due to his medical circumstances. Although at a latter point in the narrative, the omniscient narrator asserts that Scrooge provided monetary means to help Tiny Tim recover, the idea that money does not provide happiness and comfort stands clear. Dickens positions the character of Tiny Tim to have generosity and comfort in life despite a serious medical condition, which requires money to fixate, but without an adequate sum, Tiny Tim is shown to still have happiness. Overall, the idea that money, in generous sum tends to provide Dickens argues one with comfort and happiness against, through his portrayal of Tiny Tim’s character. Dickens showcases Tiny Tim as a positive and generously hearted being who wishes the best for everyone, despite his financial and medical circumstances. The omniscient narrator further develops his argument through another secondary character in the narrative, Belle.

Another character, which Dickens tends to characterise to illustrate that money, even an adequate sum has no contribution to an individual’s level of comfort and happiness is Belle. Belle is a secondary character in the narrative that appears during the sequence in Stave 2, where the Ghost of Christmas Past shows Scrooge his younger years. The character of Belle is used by the omniscient narrator in a subtle sense, whereby her role tends to be significantly short, yet significantly influential. Moreover, Dickens tends to insinuate that comfort and happiness is not a product of money, as Scrooge’s drive for money and his support of Belle leads to a break up in their relationship. Belle claims “All your other hopes have merged into the hope of being beyond the chance of its sordid approach. I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off, one by one, until the master passion, Gain, engrosses you.” Dickens purposely claims through Belle’s thoughts that despite having an adequate amount of money, she fails to obtain happiness and comfort, which further illustrates that the omniscient narrator is against the idea of finding comfort and happiness through money. In the narrative, it is observed that Belle is instead worried and uncomfortable with the amount of ‘gain’ her fiancée is obtaining, which essentially puts her away from comfort and happiness. Making such an assertion allows Dickens to continue to suggest that regardless of the amount, money tends to have no causation in comfort or happiness, whereby in Belle’s scenario, she is instead forced to give up money and her relationship with Scrooge to obtain pleasure and wellbeing. Overall, Dickens, the narrator uses the minor secondary character of Belle to essentially educate the audience that regardless of the amount of money, happiness and comfort cannot be achieved. Particularly, Dickens showcases Bella breaking up her relationship with Scrooge as money provided her with relationship problems, as well as a lack of well being and comfort.

In conclusion, the novella ‘A Christmas Carol’, written by Charles Dickens tends intends to educate the reader that an obsessive amount of money is harmful, although even an adequate amount of money can not provide one with comfort or happiness. The omniscient narrator asserts such an idea through showcasing the attitudes, circumstances and decisions of secondary characters. In particular, Dickens presents the proletariat class family; the Cratchit’s and their attitudes in life despite their difficult financial and medical circumstances, Tiny Time and his ideas and attitude to life despite not having enough funds t save himself, and Belle; Scrooge’s love interest who decides to leave Scrooge after not finding happiness or comfort solely with money. The overall idea is sufficiently emphasised upon by Dickens, and tends to portray a significant life lesson to the reader.  Same as with the introduction, you do not need to list your examples all over again and provide so much detail in a conclusion.

Okay, I’ve had a quick read through your essay but I haven’t gone through your body paragraphs and essay structure in detail because I have so much to do today since I always leave everything to the last minute…
Anyway, here’s some general feedback
I think you’re missing a point, the questions says ‘BOTH’ comfortable AND happy. The Cratchits are NOT comfortable, you're using this word incorrectly.
Comfortable:
1.   (especially of clothes or furnishings) providing physical ease and relaxation.
"comfortable sturdy shoes"

2.   as large as is needed or wanted.

Do you think this applies to the Cratchits?

They are described to wear ‘scanty’ clothes, 'their shoes far from being water-proof'. They are struggling to make ends meet. They have a crippled little boy, they don’t see one of their daughters half the time because she’s off at work, they are a large family living on Bob’s meagre salary.
So, while they are happy and content with the little that they have, an adequate amount of money would certainly ease their suffering and make their lives easier. In fact, when Scrooge redeems himself, he raises Cratchit’s salary and takes it upon himself to look after Tiny Tim and ensure the boy does not die because of an implied lack of healthcare or nutrition.

Also, you argue:
‘Dickens claims that money in turn tends to destroy and harm individuals, rather than declare positive consequences.‘

Dickens does not claim that money destroys and harms individuals. There is nothing in the novella that suggests that. If there is, you haven’t demonstrated that to me. Rather, Scrooge’s consuming obsession (key word) with money and the pursuit of wealth is his downfall. What Dickens does insinuate however, is that the wealthy should look after the poor and employers have a duty towards their employees (through paralleling Fezziwig and Scrooge and Bob and Scrooge).


I would suggest keeping your introduction and conclusion succinct and really thinking about the key words in the question and all their implications before you write tomorrow because you do seem to know your text well. Good luck!

[shooterblitz]

Okay, I’ve had a quick read through your essay but I haven’t gone through your body paragraphs and essay structure in detail because I have so much to do today since I always leave everything to the last minute…
Anyway, here’s some general feedback
I think you’re missing a point, the questions says ‘BOTH’ comfortable AND happy. The Cratchits are NOT comfortable, you're using this word incorrectly.
Comfortable:
1.   (especially of clothes or furnishings) providing physical ease and relaxation.
"comfortable sturdy shoes"

2.   as large as is needed or wanted.

Do you think this applies to the Cratchits?

They are described to wear ‘scanty’ clothes, 'their shoes far from being water-proof'. They are struggling to make ends meet. They have a crippled little boy, they don’t see one of their daughters half the time because she’s off at work, they are a large family living on Bob’s meagre salary.
So, while they are happy and content with the little that they have, an adequate amount of money would certainly ease their suffering and make their lives easier. In fact, when Scrooge redeems himself, he raises Cratchit’s salary and takes it upon himself to look after Tiny Tim and ensure the boy does not die because of an implied lack of healthcare or nutrition.

Also, you argue:
‘Dickens claims that money in turn tends to destroy and harm individuals, rather than declare positive consequences.‘

Dickens does not claim that money destroys and harms individuals. There is nothing in the novella that suggests that. If there is, you haven’t demonstrated that to me. Rather, Scrooge’s consuming obsession (key word) with money and the pursuit of wealth is his downfall. What Dickens does insinuate however, is that the wealthy should look after the poor and employers have a duty towards their employees (through paralleling Fezziwig and Scrooge and Bob and Scrooge).
[/b]

I would suggest keeping your introduction and conclusion succinct and really thinking about the key words in the question and all their implications before you write tomorrow because you do seem to know your text well. Good luck!

Appreciate the feedback! Yep, I think the reason why I misconstrued the meaning of the word 'comfortable' was just the pressure, as I put myself in a 50 minute limit, rather than 60. I've just gone about misinterpreting the question, although thanks a bunch for looking into it! Good luck for tomorrow as well

[Limista]

Hallo everyone!

I actually posted my War Poems essay 2 weeks ago, and no one has marked it yet. So yeah - I'm feeling a bit sad.

I know the English exam is tomorrow, and I also know that Uni exams are approaching (or have they started? Not sure), so even the briefest advice is appreciated. 

[RakiZtahX123]

Cmonn can you please do COSI?

'Only mad people in this day and age would do a work about love and fidelity'
What does Nowra suggest about the importance of love?

During the 1970s, the pace of change in Melbourne's society was increasingly rapid and it was evident by people's perceptions of love and fidelity. However, these ideas and concepts of love were undermined by the war happening in Vietnam, which elevated the awareness of war instead of love. Louis Nowra's 'Cosi' illustrates the complexity of how important love is  through Lewis, Nick, Lucy and the patients' understanding and approach towards the real meaning of love. Through this, Nowra shows how important love is within these characters especially Lewis and the patients as they struggle through the production of Mozart's 'Cosi fan tutte'.

At the beginning, Lewis is unsure of himself - this is evident in his interactions with the patients. This can be seen by Lewis' lack of confidence and determination as a director- 'don't know', 'I need the money' and also by the fact the he was unable to stop Roy from hijacking the production and Doug from lighting fires. Furthermore, it can be seen that Lewis' perception on love and that 'love is not so important nowadays' shows us a subtle influence of Nick and Lucy's perception on love. This illustrates for us an incomplete character inside Lewis as he was unable to express himself freely and was easily influenced by others. Later on we find out that Lewis realizes his passion on love as he goes through the play 'Cosi' with the patients and realizes that 'without love, the world wouldn't mean much'.

Blocking the real essence of love, the issue of the war happening in Vietnam is constantly being raised by Nick and Lucy as they express their true intentions towards the patients. By Lewis' quote about Lucy, 'she hates me doing an opera about love and fidelity while thousands of Vietnamese are being killed by the American troops', this leaves a gap between Lewis and Lucy creating a divide within their relationship. Parallel to Lucy, Nick also shows that love is less significant within the society and that 'only mad people in this day and age would do a work about love and infidelity'. Hence showing Nick's sanctimonious nature when he himself believes in infidelity- 'Women shouldn't come between mates, its only sex'

Throughout the play, the patients show the variety of ways in which love is defined. This is shown through Doug's aggressive approach towards love, 'this is the era of free love and orgies'. This supports the fact that the social evolution in Melbourne has reached a point where individual's rights to freedom in how they choose to engage in romantic relationships are dominant. Furthermore, it is also shown through Roy's cynical views on love and that 'love is what you feel when you don't have enough emotion left to hate', this obviously shows the effect of his lonely childhood distorting his views on love, 'he spent most of his early life in orphanages being farmed out to foster parents'. On the other side, Henry shows us an insight on which he supports fidelity and this was evident when he was being provoked by Nick, 'my mother loved my father, no one else!' It can also be seen in the play the term 'unrequited love' evident by Cherry's uncontrollable desires toward Lewis and that Lewis is unable to stop Cherry from force feeding him, 'with someone like you I could be true and faithful'

By  Nick being a hypocrite, Lucy being unfaithful and Roy's and Doug's cynical perception on love, 'Cosi' demonstrates the variety of views about love in Melbourne during the 1970's in which it juxtaposes the notion that love is precious. However, it is also evident that love still exist in times of struggle, and that love is significant among others through Lewis, Henry and Cherry's opinions. Although Lucy shows no interest on love, love still exists inside her as it is the force that built a relationship between her and Lewis. This shows us love is everywhere and it can be seen in any way or form and that Nowra aims to show the readers that love is significant throughout the society .

[Alwin]

Just finished on the LA board. If anyone is doing Things We Didn't See Coming or Stasiland idm marking it now if you post it.

Sorry to everyone else, I would only be able to mark on fluency which is pretty pointless since VCAA looks at ideas, characters, structure, etc.


Good luck to everyone for tomorrow! =]

[brenden]

Apologies, Starfish.  (and to everyone else, I'm still prepping some of my own students and trying to answer questions elsewhere etc etc)

Referring to Dulce et Decorum est pro Patria mori and any other two poems,
discuss Owen’s use of irony.
In his anthology, The War Poems, Wilfred Owen seeks to use war as a context, settingI'd put a comma here. People drop them at the end of lists (which is fine), but i think it's better to keep the comma all the way through for clarity (which is also fine) or medium to shape understanding of the human condition during the World War One period. The extent to which truth was dispelled or shirked is implied in his poetry, and it is this very implication that renders Owen’s outlook ironic, since he does not explicitly pinpoint the pain and suffering of reality in this era; instead, he leaves readers with the task of deriving the greater and holistic meaning of his poetry. Sensory imagery and figurative language then become vehicles, complementary devices or clues to provide readers with the idea that Owen’s subject is not war, but rather, “the pity of war”. By using an interchange between past and present, Owen attempts to compare and contrast the previously blissful lives of these men with the morbidity and wrath of war, where such nostalgia is essentially regression or “a trek from progress”: something he forbids of society at that time, particularly in the poem, “Strange Meeting”. Adopting a more psychological viewpoint, “S.I.W” also underscores the potency of the mind in yearning for a past period, from the perspective of a soldier. Whilst Owen’s intention is to arouse pity in readers by demonstrating the bitterness of war, as is observed through the realism evoked in “Dulce Et Decorum Est”, he does not realise that the obvious confusion evident in the verses of his poems renders him mentally incapable or lacking control, as opposed to the soldiers. His original intention – to leave readers dissatisfied and incomplete and insecure – then becomes inverted, as we are positioned to view the poet, himself, as being uncertain of what he is penning. The pity he attempts to evoke within us, as a result, lacks credibility, since the writer has identified himself as being ultimately dubious of what he is trying to achieve. The juxtaposition between the stanzas of “Insensibility” explores this notion.   Great, well done. Quite clear.

Owen attempts to engulf and embroil readers within the problems during the war time period in order to arouse pity for the soldiers, such that mistakes are learned from; however, it is the extent to which we are drowned within this emotive language that makes us incapable of moving henceforth to falsify these myths about war. In other words, readers are ironically suffocated by poetic devices, such as the personification “of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind”, which identifies gas shells as being tired. The fact that an inanimate object is weary, when readers are aware that such objects are incapable of feeling, demonstrates the exhausting nature and pointlessness of war: a combat that is portrayed as lacking purpose and meaning. The soldiers are ironically, then, juxtaposedperhaps, "The soldiers, then, are ironically... as being unreal or stripped of their humanity, through being metaphorically depicted as “[marching] asleep”, indicating that the bodies of soldiers are no longer occupied by their souls; only by the organs necessary for functioning, synonymous to the workings of a robot. This dehumanising strategy is also touched upon in “Anthem for Doomed Youth”, where soldiers are likened to “cattle” and are not given a proper Christian burial. Consequently, Owen uses these vibes to suggest that everyone and everything is pitted against the soldiers. Because of this, they should always be the ones to be pitied, according to Owen. Astute readers may draw an element of bias here, considering that Owen may only feel this way because he was a soldier? ï think astute is relatively subjective (too much so, obviously a lot of poetry is subjective), and I'm assuming the question mark was a typo. Just in case it isn't: no. I'm also not sure if WHY he feels a particular way is relevant to his use of ironySpecifically, the civilians back home and world leaders are blamed for what the soldiers have to endure. Yet, higher powers like the devil and God are not held culpable. This is observed in “Dulce Et Decorum Est”, where even Satan is depicted as being “sick of sin”. Owen blames humans for the fate of other humans. Readers are encouraged to shame themselves and are made out to be remorseless, cold-hearted and cruel, particularly through the implication that “children” are being told an “old Lie” regarding the “glory” of war. As well as being an indicator of how myths about war are spread, readers are positioned to view themselves in a negative sense, because they are supposedly lying to “innocent” children. Owen is pointing the finger at others of his own species, which is quite ironic. By blaming other humans, he is essentially castigating himself, if looked at from the broadest level.I would have liked this point to be more obviously made earlier in the paragraph so we knew what you were discussing, rather than discussion and then the link. Best to have it strong the whole way through, THEN link AGAIN just to reinforce it. Good discussion and knowledge etc

In the allegory, “Strange Meeting”, it seems ironic that the soldier who attempts to “[escape] battle” by entering a “profound dull tunnel”, finds himself in the more dangerous setting of “Hell”, which can be extended to suggest that conscience from a prior period can never be outrun. Even though Owen acknowledges that myths about war will still be reinforced in the future, as is observed through the verse, “truths that lie too deep to taint”, he focuses on using the bitter ruminations of the “enemy” to underscore how “discontent” war is, so that war is avoided in the future. In doing so, he challenges the premature maxim that war is the gateway to peace, or that it is “glorious” – romanticised notions harboured by people during this period. In spite of him doing so, a unique meaning can be derived from the last verse in this poem, “Let us sleep now…”, which innocuously purports that the “enemy” in this poem is attempting to murder the “innocent” soldier. In other words, war is taking place in this “sullen hall”, albeit on a smaller scale, in spite of Owen contending that war is a mistake. It is also the incompleteness of the identity of this “enemy” that renders him a farcical character. For instance, he is initially dehumanised by Owen, as he exudes numbness to his environment, being too immersed within his own internal and psychological conflicts, as is evident in him being “Too fast in thought or death to be bestirred”. However, he exhibits feeling, particularly in the form of grief, by emphasising the regret and despondency involved in “The hopelessness” of war or “the pity war distilled”. This man, as a result, is not completely soulless, as Owen would like readers to assume. Probing this idea from a broader perspective would deem it to be a means of augmenting instability and uncertainty within the reader, at a subconscious level. However, from a closer reading, we can observe that this underlying meaning on Owen’s part is ironic, since the “enemy” was not actually “killed”.Yeah I would prefer an earlier discussion of irony. even if you put a similar link closer to the start of your paragraph then did the same discussion i think it would be bettter just so the reader is never left confused

One the one hand, the poem “Insensibility”, proposes that the highest ideal of war and reality is to be unfeeling and completely numb to the surrounding environment; on the other hand, he attempts to elicit pity for the soldiers using a number of poetic nuances. As a result, he balances the ambivalence he creates through his poetry with the linkages or similarities between verses and stanzas, where the positives and negatives ultimately cancel to create a neutral or unfeeling persona, which this poem adulates at face-value. For instance, the verses “The tease and doubt of shelling” and “Chance’s strange arithmetic/ Comes simpler than the reckoning of their shilling” both allude to the importance of destiny and fate, which attempts to neutralise the angst readers may feel for the “brothers” who are collectively suffering; the verb “cobbled” in the verse, “Sore on the alleys cobbled with their brothers”, reinforcing the painful and stone-like setting of war. The irony, then, lies in the fact that Owen attempts to arouse pity within readers for the soldiers through implications in his poetry, despite seemingly contending that emotion is undesired. For example, the verse, “The front line withers/ But they are troops who fade, not flowers” likens soldiers to inanimate objects, such as flora, at the disposal of world leaders; thus, readers are inclined to feel piteous of the helplessness of the situation. Then again, the soldiers whom Owen attempts to contrive compassion for “fleers”, due to their “tearful fooling”, which suggests that they are crying – a sign of weakness. Stiff, unconcerned or insensitive readers are typically spiteful of criers, and instead of being sympathetic of soldiers as is desired by this verse, they are positioned to dislike these soldiers. Hence, “Insensibility” rings with irony.

Irony is not particularly explicit in Owen’s poetry, as the multiple meanings conveyed by ironic ideas was not Owen’s main aim in his poetry. Because of this, irony then has an unintended sarcastic effect that almost degrades the seriousness and predominant meaning of the poem. Conversely, the undercurrent of irony evident in a few of the war poems makes for lighter reading; something that is much desired by readers who do not wish to fully immerse themselves in the horrors of war, due to the cleverness, craftiness and wit required to derive ironic meaning from the greater concepts in Owen’s poetry.

very well written piece, be confident going into the exam

[Eugenet17]

My first of many practice essays for Year 12! It's on 'In the Country of Men' and i've only read the text once so far so I feel that my knowledge is still quite limited. Tell me what you think!

PROMPT: ‘In the world of Suleiman’s childhood, there is no place for innocence.’ Discuss.

Hisham Matar’s ‘In the Country of Men’ depicts the irrefutable loss of innocence that occurs within a harsh environment with an abundance of conflict. Matar demonstrates that it is human nature to mature upon encountering life’s inevitable struggles through the protagonist, Suleiman, who is confronted by adult hardships at a young age, subsequently leading to a subconscious urgency to grow up. As a result, the author establishes Suleiman’s abrupt transition into manhood, encouraging a sense of sympathy within the reader towards Suleiman’s internal struggles throughout the text. The author explores the gradual receding of Suleiman’s childish and fantasised views of the world he lives in through his exposure to the realities of conflict. Thus, Matar compels the reader into understanding the severe impact of witnessing conflict on a child’s innocence, escalating the reader’s sympathy towards Suleiman. Matar further establishes the effect of witnessing conflict on a child’s innocence through Suleiman’s increasing tendencies towards violent behavior in the latter stages of the text. Hence, the author positions the reader to empathise with the protagonist’s hostility towards those around him due to the external influences within the environment he lives in. ‘In The Country Of Men’ emphasises the fragility of innocence through the protagonist, who is forced into manhood as a result  of his world that is seemingly filled with conflict.

Matar presents that it is human nature to mature upon encountering the life’s hardships through Suleiman, who is confronted by adult affairs despite only being a child, leading to anurgency within himself to grow up. The author highlights Suleiman’s sudden development into a man, encouraging the reader to sympathise with Suleiman’s internal conflicts throughout the text. Matar establishes Suleiman’s urge to grow up when he questions about the Revolutionary Committee’s intention to search their house in which his mother, Najwa, states that children “aren’t supposed” to know “these things”. Najwa acknowledges her son’s growing concern regarding issues she deems unsuitable for children, yet rfuses to accept Suleiman’s desire to understand and transition into the adult world. The author explores the juxtaposition between Suleiman’s initial attitude towards his mother’s mental condition in which he states ‘I longed’ for how ‘things had been’ and his attitude in the latter stages of the text where he fantasised ‘revenge’ that filled him with ‘urgency’ to ‘be a man’ in order to ‘change the past’ and ‘rescue that girl’ from her ‘black day’. Suleiman realizes that simply hoping for his mother’s condition to improve is of no use, which fuels his desires to become a man in order to actively save his mother and ‘run away’ to somewhere ‘beautiful and green’. Furthermore, Matar depicts the protagonist’s gradual understanding of his own loss of innocence when he relates to his mother’s childhood in which she was a girl ‘unaware of herself’ in a ‘moment sheltered’ in the ‘clarity of innocence’ before her ‘thrust into womanhood’. Thus, Suleiman is able to empathise with his mother’s own loss of innocence as a child, due to his personal experiences. Matar demonstrates that it is human nature to mature as a result of life’s struggle through Suleiman who desires to become a man upon being confronted by the struggles of adulthood, despite only being a child.

Matar explores the diminishing of Suleiman’s fantasised views of the world upon his constant exposure towards the reality of conflict. Consequently, the author compels the reader to understand the dire impact of witnessing conflict onto a child’s innocence, further developing the reader’s sympathy towards Suleiman. The author depicts the beginning of Suleiman’s understanding of the reality of his world through his first encounter with conflict surrounding an individual he was personally close to, Ustath Rashid, whose interrogation was broadcasted on television.  Suleiman begins to realize that those around him are not immune to danger, not even Ustath Rashid who Suleiman considers to be his father’s ‘lost brother’.  Matar further demonstrates the receding of Suleiman’s childish views of the world upon Ustath Rashid’s execution in which he realizes that ‘good things’ did not always happen to ‘good people’ and that ‘the rug’ could be pulled ‘beneath his feet’ at ‘any moment’. Suleiman’s childish assumptions is seen to be completely eradicated, along with his ‘illusions’ that ‘I or Baba or Mama’ were immune from being ‘burnt by the madness’, indicating that he has truly grasped the cruel and dangerous nature of the world he lives in. The author presents the final destruction of Suleiman’s fantasy of an easier life in which he offers his father the mulberries which he states were brought by ‘angels from heaven’ to make life ‘easier for us’, only for his father to refuse and point to his temple where ‘they’ put out ‘the cigarettes’. Thus, Suleiman is confronted by his father’s struggles in which he was unable to accept Suleiman’s innocent optimism which in turn, signifies the absolute end of Suleiman’s own childish fantasies. Matar emphasizes the gradual loss of Suleiman’s fantasised perception of the world through his repeated exposure towards conflict and it’s reality.

The author further demonstrates the effects of witnessing conflict on a child’s innocence through Suleiman’s growing tendencies towards violent behavior in the latter stages of the text. Subsequently, Matar positions the reader to empathise with Suleiman’s hostile behavior towards those around him due to the external influences of his surroundings. Matar presents Suleiman’s first act of violence when he gets into a fight with his best friend Kareem, after which he reflects upon his actions and acknowledges his ‘enjoyment’ of his ‘betrayal’, considering himself a ‘traitor’ to Kareem. Suleiman impulsively resorted to violence when confronted by Kareem, consequently opposing his own personal values and integrity thus indicating that his environment was beginning to affect his moral judgement. The author further establishes the escalation of Suleiman’s violent tendencies when he instinctively threw stones at Bahloul with a ‘satisfying thump’ before stating that ‘something in me’ was ‘ashamed’ of what ‘I had done’ to Bahloul. Much alike with the incident with Kareem, Suleiman utilises violence without thought and only shows remorse afterwards, demonstrating that the environment is subconsciously compeling Suleiman to oppose his values as a human being, and he is unable to stop it. Matar depicts the effects of witnessing conflict through the protagonist’s rising violent tendencies throughout the text.

‘In the Country of Men’ demonstrates the undisputable loss of innocence that occurs within an unforgiving environment consisting of boundless conflict. Matar establishes that it is human nature to mature upon encountering the difficulties of life through Suleiman who is confronted by an adult’s struggles despite only being a child, leading to an urgency within himself to grow up. This depicts Suleiman’s sudden transition into manhood, subsequently encouraging the reader to sympathise with Suleiman’s internal hardships throughout the text. The author presents the gradual diminishing of the protagonist’s childish and fantasised views of the world he lives in due to his repeated exposure to the harsh reality of conflict. Hence, the reader is compelled to understand the dire impact of witnessing conflict on a child’s innocence, escalating the reader’s sympathy towards Suleiman. Matar further demonstrates the effect of conflict on a child’s innocence through Suleiman’s growing tendencies towards violence. This positions the reader to empathise with Suleiman’s hostile actions towards those around him due to the external effects of his environment. Through his depiction of Suleiman’s childhood, Matar encapsulates the delicateness of innocence in an environment where conflict is a common agenda.

[Eugenet17]

Hey guys, here's another one

IN THE COUNTRY OF MEN TEXT RESPONSE PRACTICE ESSAY #2
Prompt: How does the dominance of men affect Suleiman?

Hisham Matar’s “In the Country of Men” depicts the effects of a predominantly male environment on Suleiman’s perception of the world and his own personal values. Matar demonstrates Suleiman’s rising maturity upon confronting life’s hardships, subsequently leading to an urge to grow up and adopt his duty as a man as perceived through the men around him. Thus, the author presents the protagonist’s abrupt transition into manhood, encouraging the reader to sympathise with Suleiman’s internal struggles throughout the text. The author explores Suleiman’s integration of his life and his Islamic beliefs which sets the basis of his personal values as encouraged by the men surrounding him. Matar compels the reader to understand the significance of religion in an environment ridden of conflict for it provides hope and morality, inducing a sense of empathy within the reader towards Suleiman’s dependence on religion. Matar establishes that it is human nature to conform through Suleiman’s growing violent tendencies towards others due to the influence of his environment wherein conspicuous violence is particularly irrefutable within the men. Hence, the author positions the reader to further empathise with Suleiman’s hostility towards others due to the external influences of the men around him. “In the Country of Men” presents the significance of the men around Suleiman in shaping his matured outlook of his world and his own values as a human being.

Matar presents Suleiman’s growing maturity upon encountering life’s hardships, leading to a subconscious urgency to grow up and adopt his duty as a man as perceived through the men around him. Hence, the author depicts Suleiman’s sudden transition into a man, encouraging a sense of sympathy within the reader towards Suleiman’s internal struggles throughout the text. The author establishes Suleiman’s need to mature upon his father’s departure in the initial stages of the text in which his father requests for him to “take care” of his mother as he is the “man of the house” now. Thus, Suleiman acknowledges that he must adopt his father’s responsibilities and support his family despite only being a child. Futhermore, Matar explores the juxtaposition between Suleiman’s initial attitude towards his mother’s mental condition in which he states “I longed” for how “things had been” and his attitude in the later stages of the text where he fantasised to “be a man” in order to “change the past” and rescue her mother from her “black day”. Suleiman realises that simply hoping for his mother’s condition to improve is ultimately of no use, fuelling his desires to be a man and take responsibility in saving his mother. The author depicts Suleiman’s apprehension towards being labelled a child when he is mocked by his best friend, Kareem, instead of supporting his claims that he was “not a child” which led to a physical fight. Thus, the prospect of being a man is highly significant to Suleiman in which he is willing to challenge anyone who defies his claim on manhood. Matar explores the effect of Suleiman’s father in shaping Suleiman’s childish perception of the world when he offers his father the mulberries which he claims were brought by “angels from heaven” to make life ‘easier for us’, only for his father to refuse and instead point to his temple where ‘they’ put out ‘the cigarettes’. Hence, Suleiman’s idealistic fantasies of the world he lives in diminishes upon being confronted by his father’s struggles, signifying the ultimate conclusion of his childhood. Matar explores Suleiman’s transition into a man upon encountering life’s struggles which led to a sense of urgency within Suleiman to grow up and fulfill his duty as a man as influenced by the men around him.

Matar depicts Suleiman’s constant integration between his life and his Islamic beliefs which sets the basis of his own personal values as encouraged by the men around him. Given the significance of religion in an environment with an abundance of conflict as it is a source of hope and morality, the author compels the reader to empathise with Suleiman’s dependence on religion. The author establishes the religious influence of the men around Suleiman when Moosa states that God never “forgets the faithful”. Thus, Moosa claims that loyalty is always rewarded which Suleiman is presented to abide to when he labels himself as a “traitor” following his fight with Kareem in the latter stages of the text. Matar explores Moosa’s religious influence over Suleiman when he states that whenever someone is very “upset or angry”, ask them to “praise the Prophet” and they have to stop. Perceived as the “Allknowing”, Suleiman withstands his belief that all actions are monitored by God in which one must praise God to “bid away” the “evil spirits”. The author explores the extent to which Suleiman integrates his life with his religious beliefs when Suleiman recalls the “Bridge to Paradise” as taught by Sheikh Mustafa, imagining what life in “Hell Eternal”. Suleiman’s belief in Hell sets a precedent in which he must not sin in order to be able to “cross to Paradise”.  Matar presents Suleiman’s absolute belief in the religion in which his values as a human being is based upon, as encouraged by the men around him.

The author demonstrates human nature to conform through Suleiman’s rising violent tendencies towards others due to the influence of the world he lives in, where overt violence is especially evident within the men. As a result, Matar encourages the reader to empathise with Suleiman’s hostility towards others due to the external influence of the men in the environment he lives in. matar establishes that Suleiman’s world is filled with public violence when Ustath Rashid’s execution was broadcasted on television in which Suleiman realises that he does not live in a place where “good things” always happened to “good people”. Suleiman’s environment revolves around constant, irrefutable violence, thus it is the source of Suleiman’s rising violent urges. The author presents Suleiman’s initial act of violence through his fight with Kareem in which he acknowledges that he “enjoyed’ his own ‘betrayal’. Suleiman resorted to violence despite opposing his personal values, indicating that his environment was beginning to affect his moral judgement. The author further emphasises the escalation of Suleiman’s violent tendencies when he threw stones at Bahloul impulsively, before stating that ‘something in me’ was ashamed of what ‘I had done’. Suleiman utilises violence instinctively and only shows remorse upon reflection, indicating that Suleiman is compelled into conforming to his environment subconsciously. Matar presents human nature to conform to others through Suleiman’s violent tendencies towards others due to the influence of his environment in which violence is common amongst the men in particular.

‘In the Country of Men’ demonstrates the effect of an environment dominated by males on Suleiman’s perception of the world and his own personal values. Matar presents Suleiman’s growing maturity upon encountering life’s struggles, consequently leading to an urge to grow up and adopt his role as a man, as influenced by the men around him. Thus, the author depicts Suleiman’s sudden transition into manhood, encouraging the reader to sympathise with Suleiman’s internal hardships throughout the text. Matar demonstrates Suleiman’s constant integration between his life and his religious beliefs which sets the basis of his own values as insinuated by the men surrounding him. The author compels the reader to understand the vitality of religion in a conflict-ridden world, encouraging the reader to empathise with Suleiman’s dependence on his religious beliefs. The author explores that it is human nature to conform through Suleiman’s growing violent tendencies towards others due to the influence of his environment in which violence is particularly apparent within the men. As a result, the author inclines the reader to empathise with Suleiman’s hostility towards others due to the influence of the men around him. Matar emphasises the effect of an environment dominated by men on Suleiman’s perspective on the world and his moral values as an individual.

[kandinsky]

This is a really good essay. The things I liked about it were (i) you tried to show the growth of the character beteen the beginning of the text and the end in each paragraph (ii) each topic sentence as clearly geared towards the topic (iii) you really tried to keep on topic.

However, if you take on some criticism you will improve a lot. At the moment this essay is probably a 7/10. The problem is that much of your discussion of the text sounds like story-telling.

For example this sentence:  The author further emphasises the escalation of Suleiman’s violent tendencies when he threw stones at Bahloul impulsively, before stating that ‘something in me’ was ashamed of what ‘I had done’.

Now you say the author 'emphasises' but do not actually state how the author does so. The author does not emphasise things by merely putting them in the story. That is a very superficial mode of literary analysis. What I'm getting to is that in order to get closer to 9 in your essays you need to talk a bit about metalanguage and the construction of the text. By this, I mean how does the author use things like imagery, characterisation, and location (among others), to accentuate the meaning; how does an author construct a scene to delineate an idea? Otherwise it sounds too much like you are listing things in the text. Your topic sentences do this the right way. Just remember not to use things like 'Suleiman realises' and change that to 'the author constructs suleiman to realise...' This turns narrating into analysis. Simple hey?

The other thing is that you need to talk about the reader more in your analysis of such metalanguage. By so doing, you will actually be able to impress the marker more.

I think it is also necessary for you to talk about less random things and focus more on a few 'scenes' each paragraph and go into them in depth. This gives gravitas to your essay - the marker will be impressed by the depth and insight of your knowledge. Sometimes it's best to say more about less, not less about more.

Some other small things: Even though this is a character question on Suleiman, you really need to talk about other characters more. The dominance of what men? This is something I did not get from your essay - you took it for granted that men were dominant without giving a reason why in your essay. Make it look like you understand more about concepts such as dominance and the men dominating in different areas in the book. (I haven't read this book btw). I would encourage you to do more than 3 paragraphs, or at least not feel bound by the structure of body, 3 paras, conclusion. Also, your last paragraph should always be about the last 1/4 of the text. In fact in my opinion it should encompass the very end of the text and the way the author leaves the reader feeling about the topic in question.

Overall, this is a really great essay for this time of the year! I hope you find these little things helpful - with small changes you can take a big step up in terms of marks. You clearly have the potential/capability to do so.

p.s i didn't like the 'thus' in the third sentence and the constant subject - verb - object construction. Change up your sentence structure to impress more!

IN THE COUNTRY OF MEN TEXT RESPONSE PRACTICE ESSAY #2
Prompt: How does the dominance of men affect Suleiman?

Hisham Matar’s “In the Country of Men” depicts the effects of a predominantly male environment on Suleiman’s perception of the world and his own personal values. Matar demonstrates Suleiman’s rising maturity upon confronting life’s hardships, subsequently leading to an urge to grow up and adopt his duty as a man as perceived through the men around him. Thus, the author presents the protagonist’s abrupt transition into manhood, encouraging the reader to sympathise with Suleiman’s internal struggles throughout the text. The author explores Suleiman’s integration of his life and his Islamic beliefs which sets the basis of his personal values as encouraged by the men surrounding him. Matar compels the reader to understand the significance of religion in an environment ridden of conflict for it provides hope and morality, inducing a sense of empathy within the reader towards Suleiman’s dependence on religion. Matar establishes that it is human nature to conform through Suleiman’s growing violent tendencies towards others due to the influence of his environment wherein conspicuous violence is particularly irrefutable within the men. Hence, the author positions the reader to further empathise with Suleiman’s hostility towards others due to the external influences of the men around him. “In the Country of Men” presents the significance of the men around Suleiman in shaping his matured outlook of his world and his own values as a human being.

Matar presents Suleiman’s growing maturity upon encountering life’s hardships, leading to a subconscious urgency to grow up and adopt his duty as a man as perceived through the men around him. Hence, the author depicts Suleiman’s sudden transition into a man, encouraging a sense of sympathy within the reader towards Suleiman’s internal struggles throughout the text. The author establishes Suleiman’s need to mature upon his father’s departure in the initial stages of the text in which his father requests for him to “take care” of his mother as he is the “man of the house” now. Thus, Suleiman acknowledges that he must adopt his father’s responsibilities and support his family despite only being a child. Futhermore, Matar explores the juxtaposition between Suleiman’s initial attitude towards his mother’s mental condition in which he states “I longed” for how “things had been” and his attitude in the later stages of the text where he fantasised to “be a man” in order to “change the past” and rescue her mother from her “black day”. Suleiman realises that simply hoping for his mother’s condition to improve is ultimately of no use, fuelling his desires to be a man and take responsibility in saving his mother. The author depicts Suleiman’s apprehension towards being labelled a child when he is mocked by his best friend, Kareem, instead of supporting his claims that he was “not a child” which led to a physical fight. Thus, the prospect of being a man is highly significant to Suleiman in which he is willing to challenge anyone who defies his claim on manhood. Matar explores the effect of Suleiman’s father in shaping Suleiman’s childish perception of the world when he offers his father the mulberries which he claims were brought by “angels from heaven” to make life ‘easier for us’, only for his father to refuse and instead point to his temple where ‘they’ put out ‘the cigarettes’. Hence, Suleiman’s idealistic fantasies of the world he lives in diminishes upon being confronted by his father’s struggles, signifying the ultimate conclusion of his childhood. Matar explores Suleiman’s transition into a man upon encountering life’s struggles which led to a sense of urgency within Suleiman to grow up and fulfill his duty as a man as influenced by the men around him.

Matar depicts Suleiman’s constant integration between his life and his Islamic beliefs which sets the basis of his own personal values as encouraged by the men around him. Given the significance of religion in an environment with an abundance of conflict as it is a source of hope and morality, the author compels the reader to empathise with Suleiman’s dependence on religion. The author establishes the religious influence of the men around Suleiman when Moosa states that God never “forgets the faithful”. Thus, Moosa claims that loyalty is always rewarded which Suleiman is presented to abide to when he labels himself as a “traitor” following his fight with Kareem in the latter stages of the text. Matar explores Moosa’s religious influence over Suleiman when he states that whenever someone is very “upset or angry”, ask them to “praise the Prophet” and they have to stop. Perceived as the “Allknowing”, Suleiman withstands his belief that all actions are monitored by God in which one must praise God to “bid away” the “evil spirits”. The author explores the extent to which Suleiman integrates his life with his religious beliefs when Suleiman recalls the “Bridge to Paradise” as taught by Sheikh Mustafa, imagining what life in “Hell Eternal”. Suleiman’s belief in Hell sets a precedent in which he must not sin in order to be able to “cross to Paradise”.  Matar presents Suleiman’s absolute belief in the religion in which his values as a human being is based upon, as encouraged by the men around him.

The author demonstrates human nature to conform through Suleiman’s rising violent tendencies towards others due to the influence of the world he lives in, where overt violence is especially evident within the men. As a result, Matar encourages the reader to empathise with Suleiman’s hostility towards others due to the external influence of the men in the environment he lives in. matar establishes that Suleiman’s world is filled with public violence when Ustath Rashid’s execution was broadcasted on television in which Suleiman realises that he does not live in a place where “good things” always happened to “good people”. Suleiman’s environment revolves around constant, irrefutable violence, thus it is the source of Suleiman’s rising violent urges. The author presents Suleiman’s initial act of violence through his fight with Kareem in which he acknowledges that he “enjoyed’ his own ‘betrayal’. Suleiman resorted to violence despite opposing his personal values, indicating that his environment was beginning to affect his moral judgement. The author further emphasises the escalation of Suleiman’s violent tendencies when he threw stones at Bahloul impulsively, before stating that ‘something in me’ was ashamed of what ‘I had done’. Suleiman utilises violence instinctively and only shows remorse upon reflection, indicating that Suleiman is compelled into conforming to his environment subconsciously. Matar presents human nature to conform to others through Suleiman’s violent tendencies towards others due to the influence of his environment in which violence is common amongst the men in particular.

‘In the Country of Men’ demonstrates the effect of an environment dominated by males on Suleiman’s perception of the world and his own personal values. Matar presents Suleiman’s growing maturity upon encountering life’s struggles, consequently leading to an urge to grow up and adopt his role as a man, as influenced by the men around him. Thus, the author depicts Suleiman’s sudden transition into manhood, encouraging the reader to sympathise with Suleiman’s internal hardships throughout the text. Matar demonstrates Suleiman’s constant integration between his life and his religious beliefs which sets the basis of his own values as insinuated by the men surrounding him. The author compels the reader to understand the vitality of religion in a conflict-ridden world, encouraging the reader to empathise with Suleiman’s dependence on his religious beliefs. The author explores that it is human nature to conform through Suleiman’s growing violent tendencies towards others due to the influence of his environment in which violence is particularly apparent within the men. As a result, the author inclines the reader to empathise with Suleiman’s hostility towards others due to the influence of the men around him. Matar emphasises the effect of an environment dominated by men on Suleiman’s perspective on the world and his moral values as an individual.

[Eugenet17]

This is a really good essay. The things I liked about it were (i) you tried to show the growth of the character beteen the beginning of the text and the end in each paragraph (ii) each topic sentence as clearly geared towards the topic (iii) you really tried to keep on topic.

However, if you take on some criticism you will improve a lot. At the moment this essay is probably a 7/10. The problem is that much of your discussion of the text sounds like story-telling.

For example this sentence:  The author further emphasises the escalation of Suleiman’s violent tendencies when he threw stones at Bahloul impulsively, before stating that ‘something in me’ was ashamed of what ‘I had done’.

Now you say the author 'emphasises' but do not actually state how the author does so. The author does not emphasise things by merely putting them in the story. That is a very superficial mode of literary analysis. What I'm getting to is that in order to get closer to 9 in your essays you need to talk a bit about metalanguage and the construction of the text. By this, I mean how does the author use things like imagery, characterisation, and location (among others), to accentuate the meaning; how does an author construct a scene to delineate an idea? Otherwise it sounds too much like you are listing things in the text. Your topic sentences do this the right way. Just remember not to use things like 'Suleiman realises' and change that to 'the author constructs suleiman to realise...' This turns narrating into analysis. Simple hey?

The other thing is that you need to talk about the reader more in your analysis of such metalanguage. By so doing, you will actually be able to impress the marker more.

I think it is also necessary for you to talk about less random things and focus more on a few 'scenes' each paragraph and go into them in depth. This gives gravitas to your essay - the marker will be impressed by the depth and insight of your knowledge. Sometimes it's best to say more about less, not less about more.

Some other small things: Even though this is a character question on Suleiman, you really need to talk about other characters more. The dominance of what men? This is something I did not get from your essay - you took it for granted that men were dominant without giving a reason why in your essay. Make it look like you understand more about concepts such as dominance and the men dominating in different areas in the book. (I haven't read this book btw). I would encourage you to do more than 3 paragraphs, or at least not feel bound by the structure of body, 3 paras, conclusion. Also, your last paragraph should always be about the last 1/4 of the text. In fact in my opinion it should encompass the very end of the text and the way the author leaves the reader feeling about the topic in question.

Overall, this is a really great essay for this time of the year! I hope you find these little things helpful - with small changes you can take a big step up in terms of marks. You clearly have the potential/capability to do so.

p.s i didn't like the 'thus' in the third sentence and the constant subject - verb - object construction. Change up your sentence structure to impress more!

Thank you so much! I was really iffy about this essay but a couple of questions:

1. ' The dominance of what men? This is something I did not get from your essay - you took it for granted that men were dominant without giving a reason why in your essay. Make it look like you understand more about concepts such as dominance and the men dominating in different areas in the book.' :  Matar presents Suleiman’s growing maturity upon encountering life’s hardships, leading to a subconscious urgency to grow up and adopt his duty as a man as perceived through the men around him. Hence, the author depicts Suleiman’s sudden transition into a man, encouraging a sense of sympathy within the reader towards Suleiman’s internal struggles throughout the text. Would it be appropriate to explain that his father was an dominant male in his life/family as seen by Suleiman's overt respect for him and back that up with a quote?

2.'The other thing is that you need to talk about the reader more in your analysis of such metalanguage. By so doing, you will actually be able to impress the marker more. ' Is this just for analysis of metalanguage or should I also be emphasising the effect on the reader after each point of analysis?

[kandinsky]

Thank you so much! I was really iffy about this essay but a couple of questions:

1. ' The dominance of what men? This is something I did not get from your essay - you took it for granted that men were dominant without giving a reason why in your essay. Make it look like you understand more about concepts such as dominance and the men dominating in different areas in the book.' :  Matar presents Suleiman’s growing maturity upon encountering life’s hardships, leading to a subconscious urgency to grow up and adopt his duty as a man as perceived through the men around him. Hence, the author depicts Suleiman’s sudden transition into a man, encouraging a sense of sympathy within the reader towards Suleiman’s internal struggles throughout the text. Would it be appropriate to explain that his father was an dominant male in his life/family as seen by Suleiman's overt respect for him and back that up with a quote?

2.'The other thing is that you need to talk about the reader more in your analysis of such metalanguage. By so doing, you will actually be able to impress the marker more. ' Is this just for analysis of metalanguage or should I also be emphasising the effect on the reader after each point of analysis?

Re 1: I would go so far as to have at least one example of a man who has dominance in Suleiman's life in each paragraph. That way the marker will see that you both understand the effect of dominant men on Suleiman, and can draw on examples of dominant men from the text itself. After all, they do just want to see how well you know the text. For example, you could have para 1 about Suleiman's father influencing childhood and the way this affected how Suleiman growing up. There may be obvious characters the examiners want you to talk about. One good way to structure an essay for a question like this, which is really asking about how individuals affect Suleiman's life, is to literally have a paragraph on each.

This may sound a bit list-y, but if you can do it without mentioning said character in topic sentence (instead say how they affect Suleiman but something general - just as your topic sentences already are). If there are, say, 3 dominant men in the text, then you can have them as your first 3 paragraphs (always talking about their affect on Suleiman), and then perhaps have some other insight in a fourth paragraph, perhaps about more minor characters (which examiners love). Doing it this way usually helps because it means you will always be specific. The worst thing in an essay is to not be specific enough in your evidence. Examiners will love it if you can pick out different dominant men, rather than talk about them in general.

Re 2: I would leave effect on reader for language analysis. There are, however, two opportunities to talk about large-scale effect on reader in 4th paragraph and end of conclusion. Something like this (sorry it's a bit blahh..):


At the denouement (the end/climax of a text - a good word for the exam , the influence of men is held intact, strengthened even, in the world of the text. We the readers are left amidst....

You can actually end with the feeling of the audience/reader. I think it is quite acceptable, just remember to try and expand the topic to a broader perspective. Think of the big message that is behind the topic question, which you will probably see instantly when you know your text better.

For what it's worth, I'd just point out that a topic like this should not really have a counterpoint about, say, a dominant woman in Suleiman's life. This is the sort of topic which wants to know how much you know about dominant men, whereas some topics sort of need a counter point for balance.

[Eugenet17]

Re 1: I would go so far as to have at least one example of a man who has dominance in Suleiman's life in each paragraph. That way the marker will see that you both understand the effect of dominant men on Suleiman, and can draw on examples of dominant men from the text itself. After all, they do just want to see how well you know the text. For example, you could have para 1 about Suleiman's father influencing childhood and the way this affected how Suleiman growing up. There may be obvious characters the examiners want you to talk about. One good way to structure an essay for a question like this, which is really asking about how individuals affect Suleiman's life, is to literally have a paragraph on each.

This may sound a bit list-y, but if you can do it without mentioning said character in topic sentence (instead say how they affect Suleiman but something general - just as your topic sentences already are). If there are, say, 3 dominant men in the text, then you can have them as your first 3 paragraphs (always talking about their affect on Suleiman), and then perhaps have some other insight in a fourth paragraph, perhaps about more minor characters (which examiners love). Doing it this way usually helps because it means you will always be specific. The worst thing in an essay is to not be specific enough in your evidence. Examiners will love it if you can pick out different dominant men, rather than talk about them in general.

Re 2: I would leave effect on reader for language analysis. There are, however, two opportunities to talk about large-scale effect on reader in 4th paragraph and end of conclusion. Something like this (sorry it's a bit blahh..):


At the denouement (the end/climax of a text - a good word for the exam , the influence of men is held intact, strengthened even, in the world of the text. We the readers are left amidst....

You can actually end with the feeling of the audience/reader. I think it is quite acceptable, just remember to try and expand the topic to a broader perspective. Think of the big message that is behind the topic question, which you will probably see instantly when you know your text better.

For what it's worth, I'd just point out that a topic like this should not really have a counterpoint about, say, a dominant woman in Suleiman's life. This is the sort of topic which wants to know how much you know about dominant men, whereas some topics sort of need a counter point for balance.

Awesome, that's a much better way of structuring for this prompt haha. Thanks so much