Alright, here are my quick corrections. I think I got everything, but I did it rushed so I can't guarantee complete correctness.
From what I read, you definitely have a decent level of fluency and can construct a cohesive story, but what let you down were cases and adjective endings. This is really important to have knuckled down in VCE, cos its an essential part of the course.
I recommend practicing adjective endings as much as you can. I'm doing second year German at uni and I still do! Once you have it under control, it will just elevate your German to a new level and you will find you can speak and write with so much more ease. It will take time, but it is a worthwhile thing to practice.
Ok, so lecture over hahaha. Don't take all of my feedback as mandatory changes you need to make, some suggestions I've given are stylistically motivated.
Here you go...