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March 28, 2024, 11:49:11 pm

Author Topic: (English) Text Response Essay (Only Introduction)- All About Eve  (Read 3894 times)  Share 

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she_doc

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Hi! This is an introduction to the topic below... Please give me some tips on how to make it better. Also any ideas as to how I can flesh out the ideas for the body paragraphs?
Thanks heaps! :)

Topic: All About Eve is concerned with the consequences of obsession with fame at all costs.

Set in the backstage sphere of the “Golden Age of Hollywood”, Joseph L. Mankiewicz’s All About Eve, explores the deceitful actions taken by those blinded by unbridled ambition to reach the limelight in pursuit of fame and adulation. Mankiewicz portrays the manipulative and cunning persona of Eve as the audience witnesses her gradual infiltration into becoming a ‘carbon copy’ of Margo Channing just to reach stardom. Furthermore, her apathetic disregard for friendships built with loyalty and trust presents her willingness to take advantage of those who have done favours for her. As the film approaches the climax, Mankiewicz presents Eve as a compulsive liar who wormed her way to eminence in the show business by embodying a lie. Mankiewicz critiques the obsession of fame and the flaws it can beset on human ambition through the portrayal of the desperate and deceitful psyche of Eve.
« Last Edit: August 02, 2016, 09:37:13 pm by she_doc »

literally lauren

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Re: (English) Text Response Essay (Only Introduction)- All About Eve
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2016, 02:13:37 pm »
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Topic: All About Eve is concerned with the consequences of obsession with fame at all costs.

Set in the backstage sphere bit of an odd expression of the “Golden Age of Hollywood”, Joseph L. <-- no need for the initial here Mankiewicz’s All About Eve, explores the deceitful actions taken by those blinded by unbridled ambition to reach the limelight in pursuit of fame and adulation. Mankiewicz portrays explores the manipulative and cunning persona of Eve as the audience witnesses her gradual infiltration into becoming expression: you can't 'infiltrate into becoming' something - try to reword this to something simpler; clarity should always be your priority :) a ‘carbon copy’ of Margo Channing just to reach stardom. Furthermore, her apathetic disregard for friendships built with upon(?) loyalty and trust presents again, word choice; saying 'her behaviour presents her willingness to exploit others' sounds odd. her willingness to take advantage of those who have done favours for her. As the film approaches the climax this isn't really necessary; leave discussion of scenes for your B.P.s and just round this off with a 'Thus,' or 'Therefore...', Mankiewicz presents Eve as a compulsive liar who wormed her way bit colloquial to eminence in the show business by embodying a lie. Mankiewicz critiques the obsession of fame and the flaws it can beset on human ambition through the portrayal of the desperate and deceitful psyche of Eve nice concluding sentence!
Excellent start for an essay - there were some minor expression/word choice issues that are worth fixing, since you want to start off your essay as strongly as possible (~a few little slip-ups early on can colour your assessor's impression of your writing ability; you're not going to instantly lose a tonne of marks or anything, but it's tough to recover from an introduction with unclear sentences or confusing phraseology).

In terms of where to take things for your body paragraphs, think about unpacking this prompt in a bit more depth..
...the consequences of obsession with fame at all costs...
- what ARE these consequences?
- are these consequences for the person obsessing over fame (i.e. Eve) or for others?
- what brings about these consequences?
- why does obsessing over fame lead to deleterious things?
- what is Mankiewicz saying about the nature of fame?

^that last one is your ultimately goal for this essay; if you can get to your conclusion and answer that question sufficiently (with substantial analysis in your body paragraphs to support this) then your essay will have done its job!

Hope that helps!

FallingStar

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Re: (English) Text Response Essay (Only Introduction)- All About Eve
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2016, 03:04:22 pm »
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Hi,

Lauren got here before I had a chance to reply, so I will just give you some general feedback as she already given you some of the specifics. I agree with her solidly, but I just have a few things to add.

As the prompt "All About Eve is concerned with the consequence with fame at all costs." is primarily a thematic prompt, you will need consider the theme of fame (I'm doing All about Eve too). You introduction implies to me that you primary focus would be on the character of Eve, which is appropriate for a character essay, but you will need to talk more about other things in a thematic one. For thematic prompts, the characters are just a means to explore the themes. Just as a suggestion, you can talk about Margo as well as she is a character who is "a star" implying fame. But you need to focus on the consequences with fame at all costs. Just use either Eve or Margo to explore those consequences. To hep you avoid this, try to avoid naming the characters in a thematic prompt.

With you contextual background, you may need to use adjectives to describe the setting. I tend to use the words conservative to describe the setting of Mankiewicz's film All about Eve. Perhaps you can use other words as well (I do agree with Lauren about your word usage and expression, despite being an offender of this myself).

Example (notice that I'd used your words?) :
"Set in the conservative world of 1950s American theatre, Mankiewicz's film All About Eve explores the deceitful actions taken by those blinded by unbridled  ambition to reach the limelight n pursuit of fame and adulation."

she_doc

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Re: (English) Text Response Essay (Only Introduction)- All About Eve
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2016, 08:23:03 pm »
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Hi! Thanks so much for the feedback. I'll definitely take them on board. I agree that I may not be using some words in the right context and that perhaps I need to focus on what aspect the prompt is dealing with. How do you guys go about planning your ideas out?

literally lauren

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Re: (English) Text Response Essay (Only Introduction)- All About Eve
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2016, 11:13:50 am »
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Some general advice here for constructing contentions; <--start there, and then breaking down ideas will be a lot easier. Generally, you need to have a dominant argument across your essay, and then three to four (approx.) sub-arguments that support your main point! It can take some practice, but it'll put you miles ahead of the rest of the state - you'd be surprised how few students end up managing to construct an effective essay like this.

You're already off to a good start with this intro, and the fact that you can look through feedback and come to conclusions about what you need to work on tells me you're pretty damn smart, so see how you go unpacking and questioning this prompt a bit, and you'll hopefully be able to plot out an essay structure from there.

In terms of actual planning (like, how you prepare your approach mentally or on paper), students tend to exist on a spectrum from:

|| don't plan at all and just jump into writing || --> || meh, I plan a little sometimes || --> || MUST PLAN EVERY SINGLE DETAIL OMG ||

I was always on the left hand side; my 'plans' would consist of the odd scribbled reminder to myself to mention certain evidence or use a certain word. But I had friends in Year 12 who would always spend the first five to ten minutes of writing time just drafting up an extensive plan because doing so meant they could churn out an essay in forty minutes or so. It really depends what kind of thinker/writer you are, and how efficient you can be.

If you're looking for a general overview of idea planning...

---------------------------------------------------
Introduction:
 • (global sentence about the text)
 • contention
 • (sub-arguments)

Body Paragraph 1:
 • (general focus - 10 words or less)
 • topic sentence
 • major evidence
 • (quotes)
 • concluding sentence

x repeat for all body paragraphs

Conclusion:
 • (sub-arguments)
 • reworded contention
 • zooming-out sentences about characters --> themes --> views and values
---------------------------------------------------
(stuff in brackets is optional)

Well, technically everything's optional... PLANNING is optional, and you should only be doing it if you think it's genuinely going to help you write better/faster. But the non-bracketed stuff is what I'd consider to be most important for most students.

Let us know if you have any questions :)

she_doc

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Re: (English) Text Response Essay (Only Introduction)- All About Eve
« Reply #5 on: August 08, 2016, 08:39:52 pm »
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Thanks once again Lauren!  :)