Text Response Intro for Animal Farm George Orwell.... please provide feedback

[#chelsea123]

the topic: "Napoleons rise to power was ruthless and brutal. Do you agree. "


The novella, Animal Farm, written by George Orwell demonstrations how possession of power can lead to corruption and exploitation through brutality. As a result of their social standing in the hierarchy, power fell naturally to the pigs and it was hard for them to resist the temptations of an easier life. This led to a regime of callousness and brutality in their dealings with the other animals. Orwell cleverly uses the word ‘pig’ in more than one sense. When associating with ‘pigs’, words related in everyday use are commonly ‘greedy’, ‘extremely stubborn’, and ‘opinionated’. In order to gain complete control, Napoleon, like Stalin after the Russian Revolution, eliminated any potential threat. Napoleon’s rise to power was corrupted by his manipulation of language, the vicious and brutal use of authority using his personal ‘pack of dogs’ and the exploitation of animals for Napoleon’s own gain.

[Maz]

Hey
I'm so sorry this is late, in all honesty, a had it open on another window and the completely forgot about it...oops
Here are some of my ideas, feel free to question any of them

the topic: "Napoleons rise to power was ruthless and brutal. Do you agree. "


The novella, Animal Farm underline the title of the book., written by George Orwell demonstrations how  thepossession of power can lead to corruption and exploitation through brutality. As a result of their who is their? you need to first introduce who you are talking about before using words like their, him/her etc. Maybe use the 'pigs' here, and in the proceeding words when you do say 'pigs', say their instead. Despite this, you have a nice opening social standing in the hierarchy, power fell naturally to the pigs and it was hard for them to resist the temptations of an easier life. This led to a regime of callousness and brutality in their dealings with the other animals. Orwell cleverly how about a better word than cleverly...what about adroitly, or skilfully?  uses the word ‘pig’ in more than one sense. When associating with ‘pigs’, words related in everyday use are commonly ‘greedy’, ‘extremely stubborn’, and ‘opinionated’. How about re-phrasing this sentence a little...something along the lines of...'Symbolically, pigs are often subject to negative connotation with depictions often pertaining to their often 'greed', and 'extremely stubborn' behavior'. In order to gain complete control, Napoleon, like Stalin after the Russian Revolution, eliminated any potential threat. Napoleon’s rise to power was corrupted by his manipulation of language, the vicious and brutal use of authority using his personal ‘pack of dogs’ and the exploitation of animals for Napoleon’s own gain.

Your introduction was good, just a few points:

- Your introduction should foreshadow what your essay is going to talk about, so if your whole essay is on symbolism or language then that is perfectly fine, however if your going to talk about other generic conventions/ideas/anything you should introduce it here first.--> this is just an idea though and definately not a requirement
I hope this helped

[AngeRay]

"Napoleons rise to power was ruthless and brutal. Do you agree. "

The novella, Animal Farm, written by George Orwell, demonstrations how possession of power can lead to corruption and exploitation through brutality. As a result of their You need to specify who "they" are before you can use "their" even if you mention it later on in the sentence. social standing in the hierarchy, power fell naturally to the pigs and it was hard for them to resist the temptations of an easier life. I don't like fragmentation of the sentence. I would have finished it at "fell naturally to the pigs. It was subsequently difficult for them to resist the temptation of an easier life proffered by their newfound power." This then led to a regime of callousness and brutality in their dealings with the other animals. Orwell cleverly uses the word ‘pig’ in more than one sense. You don't specify what sense you mean. "Orwell cleverly uses the term 'pig' in more than one sense of the word to indicate an association of 'greed', 'stubbornness' a'opinionated'. . When associating with ‘pigs’, words related in everyday use are commonly ‘greedy’, ‘extremely stubborn’, and ‘opinionated’. In order to gain complete control, Napoleon like Stalin after the Russian Revolution, Unless this is expository essay, you cannot bring in resources outside of the text. eliminatesd any potential threats And... There needs to be more here.. Napoleon’s rise to power was corrupted by his manipulation of language, the vicious and brutal use of authority using his personal ‘pack of dogs’ and the exploitation of animals for Napoleon’s You've already used "his", repeat that own gain.

1. It was a good intro, I would suggest being more specific in what you are discussing to make sure the examiner understands what you are talking about.
2. There should not be any need to add in external references such as Stalin in your text response.
3. Try to incorporate your contention and your arguments earlier in the intro as it reads like you forgot you had to mention it until the end.
4. Try to use other words for "brutal", you don't want to keep repeating yourself.
5. I'm still not sure what your contention is, it isn't "yes I agree" or "no I do not agree", it needs to be a substantial statement. Such as "Napoleon's development to a tyrannical leader was both relentless and malevolent due to his destructive and dominating nature."
6. Your arguments could be more 'argumentative' rather than examples of why the prompt is correct. I'm not too sure how to word it but, something more like:

Napoleon's sadistic rise to power is intensified by his coercive and subtle manipulation of language, the extremes used to enforce his authority and his malicious exploitation of others.

Now they're more like statements which you can then support using the evidence of the dogs and mistreatment of the horse. All in all, a good introduction.

[#chelsea123]

 Thanks soooo much guys!!
Very helpful! Will take all the notes into consideration to improve.
thanks again!     

[mics100]

Hey,
I was cleaning up your Intro to use with my Year 10s, so i thought I'd post it for you.

"Napoleons rise to power was ruthless and brutal. Do you agree? "

The novella, Animal Farm, written by George Orwell demonstrates how power can corrupt and lead to the exploitation of a population through brutal means. As a result of their social standing and intellect, power fell naturally to the pigs and it was hard for them to resist the temptations of an easier life. This led to a regime of callous and cruel dealings with the other farmyard animals. Orwell cleverly depicts the leaders of the Russian Revolution as pigs in this fable, thereby labelling them as ‘greedy’, ‘extremely stubborn’, and ‘opinionated’. One leader in particular, Napoleon, is acutely heinous in his grab for power. In order to gain complete control, Napoleon eliminated any potential threat. Napoleon's sadistic rise to power is intensified by his coercive and subtle manipulation of language, the extremes used to enforce his authority and his malicious exploitation of others.

I've incorporated some of the advise as well