2018 AA Club - Week 1

[scout]

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Happy New Year!

Welcome to the first week of the 2018 Analysing Argument Club.

As a reminder of how this will work...

1. Every Monday, I’ll post a new thread with an opinion piece for you to analyse.
2. You’ll write an analysis and post it in that thread.
3. You’ll give & get feedback. Let the analysing begin

Background: Recently, Apple announced that it will be demolishing a building at Federation Square to build a new flagship Apple Store. This has generated mixed responses from the Victorian public.

The proposal to replace one of the original and integral Federation Square buildings with a tacky gold spaceship to meet the commercial aspirations of Apple needs to be stopped now. Melbourne had many, many attempts to create a city square over the years and all failed miserably. But Fed Square worked; it wormed its way into our hearts with its quirky, irregular angles, the rosy hued forecourt and generous steps. It is a gathering place for installations, celebrations and demonstrations. It has become the beating heart of Melbourne, filled with people day and night.

The design must be left intact and whole for future generations to enjoy and value. To tear down a part and replace it with an incongruent commercial edifice is urban vandalism and an insult to the people of Victoria.

- April Baragwanath, Geelong

[MissSmiley]

Let the analysing begin

Thanks a lot scout!

Analysis:

Regional uproar follows Apple's recent delcaration of its decision to demolish a building at Federation Square so that space occupied by the Victorian landmark is cleared for the contruction of Apple's newest flagship store. April Baragwanat's letter to the editor in reponse to this issue forms one such argument on Apple's demolishing of Victorian heritage. Utilising a nostalgic and matter-of-fact tone, Baragwanat appeals to Apple Australia and the Victorian City Council in contending that it would be unfortunate for future generations to view the destruction of a cultural and social landmark which has gained fame after many years of struggle in making a Victorian emblem as rewarding as that of Federation Square.

Baragwanat establishes that Melbourne City Council has taken effort for numerous years to build a build a city square but wihout success; therefore, Apple's selfish catering for its "commercial aspirations" would be destroying the social benefits that the highly properous Federal Square provides to Melburnians today. Fuelled by a nostalgic tone, the repetition: "many, many attempts" is aimed to respect Melbourne City Council who have genuinely tried in building a city square, but ultimately, Baragwanat's approval of Victorian hardship is dismantled with the negatively connoted adverb "miserably" in "failed miserably." Taking into consideration that this heavy blow to City Council's reputation would disappoint Melbourne's city dwellers or frequent visitors, Baragwanat's start of her sentence with a coordinating conjunction "but" aims to cast light on the development of Federation Square, the project which has finally "worked."
Using personification in "wormed its way into our hearts" and "generous steps," not only makes Federation Square, or colloquially known as "Fed Square" seem a prideful Victorian, but creatively intelligent Victorians who value general mobile technology or even Apple's presentations of their iPhones, would now bring Federation Square's "ros[iness]" to the same level of Apple iPhones' glory or attractive appearance so that these Apple lovers would not condescend Federation Square's "celebrations" in front of Apple's expansion ; Baragwanath sees this as her duty as a Victorian to avoid this patronising.
Despite admitting Federation Square's "quirky, irregular angles" and "tacky gold spaceship," Baragwanath's representation of Federation Square as a metaphor of a "beating heart of Melbourne," appeals to a sense of regional security of life, in that the Victorian City Council are likely to be persuaded to oppose Apple's decision, if it is going to stop Melburnians' lives "at day and night." Members of the city council would be likely to deal with and adjust to any deformations of Federation Square, at the expense of carrying the guilt that Baragwanath places on them, if they don't take action to stop Apple "now."

In accordance with her tonal shift to a "matter-of-fact" tone, Baragwanath appeals to youth amongst the City Council to strive to resist Apple's declaration, as the demolition of a building around Federation Square would destroy a holistic structure that future generations should have the right to "enjoy and value." Despite labelling Apple's "commercial eddifice" as "incongruent" - not much different in naming the landmark's angles "quirky," - Baragwanath continues to abhor Apple's new flagship project, unlike her reverting back to Federation Square's benefits, despite the flaws. This attempts showcases Apple and their decision to be fundamentally detestable in front of they eyes of City Council members, so that they will be reluctant to provide a consent to an announcement that will offer no advantage to its citizens.
Concluding with a notion of Apple's criminality in conducting "urban vandalism," Baragwanath seeks to appeal to the many Victorians like him who would likely be "insulted" - another word in criminal jargon- if a threat as rapidly introduced as Apple's proposal will suppress the Victorian pride in preserving a regional landmark.

Hence, Baragwanath's attempt to flatter Federation Square's importance in contributing to a healthy Victorian heritage is more likely to appeal to Melbourne City Council members who have a strong connection to city landmarks. Criminalising Apple Australia may have a harsh impact on Apple iPhone lovers, but ultimately, maintaining a regional symbol of pride and resilience such as the Federation Square and buildings around it, is persuaded to be the top-most priority for Melbourne City Council at stake.

[clarke54321]

Thanks a lot scout!

Analysis:

Regional uproar follows Apple's recent delcaration of its decision to demolish a building at Federation Square so that space occupied by the Victorian landmark is cleared for the contruction of Apple's newest flagship store. April Baragwanat's letter to the editor in reponse to this issue forms one such argumentthis is a bit vague. If you can, try and combine context (your first sentence) with letter type/person (your second) into one compact sentence. It makes for easy reading. Remember that marks don't come from the introduction, but the paragraphs of analysis. Here is an example, "In response to Apple's recent decision to abolish a building at Federation Square, so as to erect a renewed flagship store, April Baragwanat submitted a letter to the editor." on Apple's demolishing of Victorian heritage. Utilising a nostalgic and matter-of-fact tone, Baragwanat appeals to Apple Australia and the Victorian City Council inby contending that it would be unfortunate for future generations to view the destruction of a cultural and social landmark which has gained fame after many years of struggle in making a Victorian emblem as rewarding as that of Federation Square<--- great identification of contention, but try and cut down on length when expressing this..

Baragwanat establisheshmm..this verb isn't sitting right with me. Maybe it wouldn't come across so forcefully if you preceded the paragraph with something like, "To open, Baragwanat stridently conveys the notion that...." Or "With the intent of casting Apple's decision as injudicious and ignorant, Baragwanat....." that Melbourne City Council has taken effort for numerous years to build a build a city square but wihout success; therefore, Apple's selfish catering for its "commercial aspirations" would be destroying the social benefits that the highly properous Federal Square provides to Melburnians today fantastic identification of argument, but again, try and compress the length.. Fuelled by a nostalgicI'm not quite seeing the connection between this quote and nostalgia. Could you try and make it clearer to the reader?  tone, the repetition: "many, many attempts" is aimed tohow is it aiming to do this?I like to call the how stage the intermediate section of analysis. This draws together the what (evidence) and the why (reader effect). Think, does the implicitly laborious repetition seeks to echo the depth of opportunity? Provoke something lethargic? respect Melbourne City Council who have genuinely tried in building a city square, but ultimately, Baragwanat's approval of Victorian hardship is dismantled with the negatively connotedtry and be more specific than "negative." adverb "miserably" in "failed miserably." Taking into consideration that this heavy blow to City Council's reputation would disappoint Melbourne's city dwellers or frequent visitors, Baragwanat's start of her sentence with a coordinating conjunction "but" aims to cast light on the development of Federation Square, the project which has finally "worked a fantastic pickup here  However, try and express it with greater clarity. ."
Using personification in "wormed its way into our hearts" and "generous steps,"<--- here you are missing that intermediate stage again; the how-----> not only makes Federation Square, or colloquially known as "Fed Square" seem a prideful Victorianif you can flesh out the personification analysis, this effect will be clearer for readers., but creatively intelligent Victorians who value general mobile technology or even Apple's presentations of their iPhones, would now bring Federation Square's "ros[iness]" to the same level of Apple iPhones' glory or attractive appearance so that these Apple lovers would not condescend Federation Square's "celebrations" in front of Apple's expansion ; Baragwanath sees this as her duty as a Victorian to avoid this patronising you've kind of lost me in this last sentence! Perhaps with some rephrasing it'll become clearer  .
Despite admitting Federation Square's "quirky, irregular angles" and "tacky gold spaceshipthis phrase isn't in relation to Federation square and its beauty, but Apple's proposed building. Here would be the perfect opportunity to juxtapose the descriptions!," Baragwanath's representation of Federation Square as a metaphor of ametaphorical "beating heart of Melbourne," appeals to a sense of regional security of lifeagain, you require more analysis. How did you get to this point? "By drawing a parallel between Federation square and a "beating heart," Baragwanath fervently implies that this landmark is the fundamental, life source of Melbourne....." A sentence like this will draw the dots together for the examiners. , in that the Victorian City Council are likely to be persuaded to oppose Apple's decision, if it is going to stop Melburnians' lives "at day and night the ideas underlying this sentence would compliment the last bit of analysis well." Members of the city council would be likelythis is an example of speculation. I'd try and avoid this if you can. The main purpose of AA is to analyse the intended reader effect. Hence, when speaking of reader effect, aim to have the author's name close by. Eg. Baragwanth hence endeavours/strives/yearns for readers to...... to deal with and adjust to any deformations of Federation Square, at the expense of carrying the guilttry and establish this sense of guilt more firmly in the paragraph. that Baragwanath places on them, if they don't take action to stop Apple "now."

In accordance with her tonal shift to a "matter-of-fact" tone, Baragwanath appeals to youth amongst the City Council to strive to resist Apple's declaration, as the demolition of a building around Federation Square would destroy a holistic structure that future generations should have the right to "enjoy and value."nice argument identification, but beware of quoting for mere evidence purposes. If you are quoting, try and analyse the words! There's so much goodness to be unearthed. You've actually set up a lovely transition to the second sentence with the quote, "enjoy and value." Your next sentence could hinge on these verbs and the type of romantic imagery that they connote Despite labelling Apple's "commercial eddifice" as "incongruent" - not much different in naming the landmark's angles "quirky," Hmm...this bit looks as though you're critiquing the ideals of Baragwanath. I'd omit it. - Baragwanath continues to abhor Apple's new flagship project, unlike her reverting back to Federation Square's benefits, despite the flaws ok, so you've got a nice idea poking through here again (Baragwanath's bias, how she uses this, comparison of language structure) . Just try and make the explanation clearer  . This attempts showcases Apple and their decision to be fundamentally detestable in front of they eyes of City Council members, so that they will be reluctant to provide a consent to an announcement that will offer no advantage to its citizens nice.
Concluding with a notion ofa bit jolting Apple's criminality in conducting "urban vandalism," Baragwanath seeks to appeal how is this appeal carried out? Pull apart the word vandalism and think about what qualities it chafes against (this is where the appeal will stem from). to the many Victorians like him who would likely be "insulted" - another word in criminal jargon- if a threat as rapidly introduced as Apple's proposal will suppress the Victorian pride in preserving a regional landmark.

Hence, Baragwanath's attempt to flatter Federation Square's importance in contributing to a healthy Victorian heritage is more likely to appeal this is a speculative/evaluative on your part. Try and avoid this in AA. Just focus on author's intent.to Melbourne City Council members who have a strong connection to city landmarks. Criminalising Apple Australia may have a harsh impact again, too speculative.on Apple iPhone lovers, but ultimately, maintaining a regional symbol of pride and resilience such as the Federation Square and buildings around it, is persuaded to be the top-most priority for Melbourne City Council at stake. Good ideas about the letter a whole, but a conclusion should ultimately wrap up something like contention, tone or technique. Refrain from audience judgement.

Congratulations on being the first user to analyse! Publishing your own writing on a forum takes much courage, so I commend your effort  Given that it is only January, your grasp on argument analysis and general structure is excellent. Most notably, I was impressed by the pockets of originality and insight, which trickled throughout the entirety of your piece. To enhance your close reading ability, I'd recommend that you spend more time fleshing out the "how" element of the task. That is, ask yourself, what are the implications/suggestions/intimations that lie beneath this phrase, word or piece of punctuation? What is it that inspires this certain reader effect? If you can work on this, the quality of your analysis will be incredible by the end of this year. I'm looking forward to watching your progress 

P.S. Sorry I'm not Scout  Scout said I could help out with the marking, and so, naturally I was very excited, and got to task quickly!

[MissSmiley]

P.S. Sorry I'm not Scout  Scout said I could help out with the marking, and so, naturally I was very excited, and got to task quickly! [/color]

Thank you so so much clarke54321 !! Haha!! No, I didn't specifically want feedback for scout, because I know all you intelligent people like scout and yourself are giving up so much of your time to help us!! - it's amazing!!
So so satisfied to read your comments, clarke54321!! This is really very nice of you to give such in-depth feedback!!
I wonder if you would be able to attach one of your argument analysis responses to any SAC or Exam practice that you did? Obviously asking because I know it will be that A+ standard!!
Reading a sample piece from you will really help me narrow down the "how" element that you've suggested me to work on!
Thanks a tonne again, I really really appreciate all your efforts that you take to help us out!!
Salute to you!

[Anonymous]

The decision of global commercial superpower, Apple, to build a new flagship store within the confines of Federation Square, has been labelled outrageous by numerous Victorians. In a critical and patriotic tone, April Baragwanath’s opinion piece condemns Apple’s proposal, and urges for its cancellation. Targeted towards Victorians, Baragwanath encourages this group to share her predisposition that the establishment of such a store will ruin the space that is Federation Square, and thus, invites them to protest such a decision.

Baragwanath initiates her argument by emphasising that the establishment of Apple’s commercial space within Federation Square risks degrading such a national icon. The inclusion of the unique description of the space; “irregular angles, rosy hued forecourt and generous steps” allows such listing to express the individuality and identify of such a space. Through employing adjectives such as “quirky”, the reader is able to associate Federation Square as a unique space for Victorians that has consequently developed its own identity. Furthermore, the metaphor that ‘Fed Square’ is the “beating heart of Melbourne” further emphasises the value and pride that is felt by Victorians towards such a space. This thus allows Baragwanath to evoke the pride they feel for their national icon. It is through such evoked pride is Baragwanath able to position her audience to condemn Apple’s decision. By labelling the proposal as “tacky”, the audience is inclined to envision the “original and integral Federation Square” as threatened, through such negative connotations that are sparked as a result. Furthermore, through depicting Apple as focused on purely their “commercial aspirations” the audience is encouraged to envision a company that does care about the identity and depiction of the public space, rather, their own profit gain. Consequently, Baragwanath is able to encourage Victorians to not only resist the proposal due to their desire to protect such an integral part of their community, but also resist such a motive that is purely for profit.

Just one body and no concl atm! Will value all feedback!

[clarke54321]

I wonder if you would be able to attach one of your argument analysis responses to any SAC or Exam practice that you did? Obviously asking because I know it will be that A+ standard!!

No worries at all, Miss Smiley! I'm glad the feedback helped. So that I don't detract from this thread's main purpose, I'll post a sample argument analysis here on my VCE English guide 

[Anonymous]

The decision of global commercial superpower, Apple, to build a new flagship store within the confines of Federation Square, has been labelled outrageous by numerous Victorians. In a critical and patriotic tone, April Baragwanath’s opinion piece condemns Apple’s proposal, and urges for its cancellation. Targeted towards Victorians, Baragwanath encourages this group to share her predisposition that the establishment of such a store will ruin the space that is Federation Square, and thus, invites them to protest such a decision. nice, succinct intro that ticks all the requirements and gives the context of Apple being a “commercial superpower” !! Really great! 

Baragwanath initiates her argument by emphasising that the establishment of Apple’s commercial space within Federation Square risks degrading such a national icon. excellent topic sentence!!The inclusion of the unique description of the space; “irregular angles, rosy hued forecourt and generous steps” allows such listing to express the individuality and identify of such a space. Through employing adjectives such as “quirky”, the reader is able to associate Federation Square as a unique space for Victorians that has consequently developed its own identity. Furthermore, the metaphor that ‘Fed Square’ is the “beating heart of Melbourne” further emphasises the value and pride that is felt by Victorians towards such a space. This thus allows Baragwanath to evoke the pride they feel for their national icon. great analysis of intended effect of technique on audience!! It is through such evoked pride is that rather than ‘is’ Baragwanath isable to position her audience to condemn Apple’s decision. By labelling the proposal as “tacky”, the audience is inclined to envision the “original and integral Federation Square” as threatened, through such negative connotations that are sparked as a result. Furthermore, through depicting Apple as focused on purely their “commercial aspirations” the audience is encouraged to envision possibly another synonym for envision? Since you’ve used the word already beforehand? But great analysis of effect once again, with carefully selected evidence! a company that does care about the identity and depiction of the public space, rather, their own profit gain. Consequently, Baragwanath is able to encourage Victorians to not only resist the proposal due to their desire to protect such an integral part of their community, but also resist such a motive that is purely for profit.

Just one body and no concl atm! Will value all feedback!
This is really excellent!! Your analysis of intended effect was spot on every time!! All the very very best! You’re doing amazing already!!

[MissSmiley]

Sorry once again, really very sorry! The page went away suddenly and it didn’t reload my tick in the box!
Sorry from MissSmiley! Hope the feedback is read!

[MissSmiley]

No worries at all, Miss Smiley! I'm glad the feedback helped. So that I don't detract from this thread's main purpose, I'll post a sample argument analysis here on my VCE English guide 

Thanks a lot!! 

[clarke54321]

The decision of global commercial superpower, Apple, to build a new flagship store within the confines of Federation Square, has been labelled outrageous by numerous Victorians. In a critical and patriotic tone, April Baragwanath’s opinion piece condemns Apple’s proposal, and urges for its cancellation. Targeted towards Victoriansthere is absolutely nothing wrong with this, but try and be less conclusive. Perhaps, "Targeted towards the likely audience of Victorian residents,......." This just reduces forcefulness, Baragwanath encourages this group to share her predisposition that the establishment of such a store will ruin the space can you be more specific with the contention? Which elements of Fed Square will face obliteration?that is Federation Square, and thus, invites them to protest such a decision.

Baragwanath initiates her argument by emphasising that the establishment of Apple’s commercial space within Federation Square risks degrading such a national icon nice argument identification. To strengthen coherency, try to shorten the sentence. Sometimes it helps to flip the sentence around  . The inclusion of the description of the unique space;this is rather clunky. Perhaps a sentence like, "By including a description of Federation Square's unique spacial quality, 'irregular angles, rosy hued forecourt and generous steps,' Baragwanath is able to.........." “irregular angles, rosy hued forecourt and generous steps” allows such listing to express the individuality and identify of such a space <--- great, but can you take this further? The descriptor seems endless when read. Maybe this seeks to echo the endless originality of the landmark, the overwhelming facets of beauty? How does this in turn make readers feel or think? Reflect with pride?. Through employing adjectives such as “quirky”, the reader is able to associate Federation Square as a unique spacegreat! What are additional connotations attached to "quirky"? Try and carry out a full word analysis. for Victorians that has consequently developed its own identity. Furthermore, the metaphor that ‘Fed Square’ is the “beating heart of Melbourne” further emphasises the value and pridehow does it do this? Like I've mentioned in a previous correction, you need to include the howphase. In a basic sense, what is this metaphor communicating? that is felt by Victorians towards such a space. This thus allows Baragwanath to evoke the pride they feel for their national icon. It is through such evoked pridepride has been repeated quite a bit. Find some variation with synonyms  is Baragwanath able to position her audience to condemn Apple’s decisionwhy? Pull the explanation out fully. Does this pride encourage readers to adopt a protective stance? The need to nurture a unique icon?. By labelling the proposal as “tacky”, the audience is inclined to envision the “original and integral Federation Square” as threatened, through such negative connotations that are sparked as a resultthis is too general. Rather than "negative" connotations, what in particular does "tacky" cause you to think? Artificial, of a poor quality? Think about this as an alternative. How does Baragwanath draw a comparison between existing building and the proposed one, in terms of language?  . Furthermore, through depicting Apple as focused on purely on their “commercial aspirations” the audience is encouraged to envisiontry and find a new verb  This one has been used only recently. a company that does care about the identity and depiction of the public space, rather, their own profit gain <--- great, but I think this sentence could be stronger if it were flipped, and you fleshed out the how element further. To do this, think about the way Baragwanath describes the proposed building- "tacky gold spaceship." There is an almost laughable implication tucked behind "gold spaceship" that could be mentioned.. Consequently, Baragwanath is able to encourage Victorians to not only resist the proposal due to their desire to protect such an integral part of their community, but also resist such a motive that is purely for profit.

Just one body and no concl atm! Will value all feedback!

Well done on the analysis  You have a very clear grip on argument and contention, which is fantastic. Most of the time your structure is also very strong, moving seamlessly between the "what", "how" and "why." To take the analysis to the next level, try and work on punchy sentences. Not only will this draw emphasis to your analysis, but it should also clear up the occasional clunky expressions in your piece. Keep up the great work!

[Anonymous]

Well done on the analysis  You have a very clear grip on argument and contention, which is fantastic. Most of the time your structure is also very strong, moving seamlessly between the "what", "how" and "why." To take the analysis to the next level, try and work on punchy sentences. Not only will this draw emphasis to your analysis, but it should also clear up the occasional clunky expressions in your piece. Keep up the great work!

Thank you so much. Just a quick question, when you say to "flip the sentence around", are you suggesting to swap the order of the clauses? Cheers

[clarke54321]

Thank you so much. Just a quick question, when you say to "flip the sentence around", are you suggesting to swap the order of the clauses? Cheers

No worries at all 

Yes, the switching of clauses should increase coherency (obviously not word for word, but in a more general sense). If you find that this doesn't work, perhaps try and alter your sentence to the passive/active voice.

[gainster]

The recent divulgence of Apple’s latest scheme to demolish and replace Federation Square buildings has sparked significant indignation amongst Melbourne’s metropolitan citizens. Addressing this issue in a letter to the editor, April Baragwanath contends that the removal of such imperative architectural heritage would be a travesty if replaced by Apple’s commercial edifice. Employing a passionate and frustrated tone Baragwanath appeals to the general public and the city council that destruction of the epicentre that is Federation square would be devastating to not only its residents but for future generations.
 
The author ridicules the thought of replacing Federation Square buildings with an Apple store. Baragwanath wastes no time clearly revealing her stance on the issue by constructing a negative image of Apple’s proposal through attacks and criticism proposing that such architecture would resemble “a tacky gold spaceship” in design. Such suggestions attempt to incite a strong sense of repulsion from residents of Victoria’s capital, encouraging the reader to find such “commercial aspirations” distasteful and hence provoking the reader to agree that to build such a structure would be to make a mockery of the city of Melbourne. Accentuating this notion, Baragwanath attempts to engender the audience that the Apple store that would be nothing more than an “incongruent Commercial edifice” in comparison with the current Federation Square building. Through her tonal shift between addressing the current structure exultantly and discussing the envisioned Apple store with condemnation. Coupled with the words and phrases such as “insult[ing]” and “urban vandalism” to describing the proposed structure, Baragwanath provides an image of an abhorrent design and carries connotations of shame and disdain, prompting the likely target audience of citizens of Victoria to view this proposition as a step in the wrong direction for their city. Through her attacks and negative depictions of the Apple store proposed to replace federation square, Baragwanath successfully encourages Victorians to reflect on the negative consequences of losing such a highly esteemed architectural landmark from Melbourne’s city.

[clarke54321]

The recent divulgenceto divulge means to disclose secretive or sensitive details. I'd just switch it to "the recent disclosure..." of Apple’s latest scheme to demolish and replace Federation Square buildings has sparked significant indignation amongst Melbourne’s metropolitan citizens. Addressing this issue in a letter to the editor, April Baragwanath contends that the removal of such imperative architectural heritage would be a travesty if replaced by Apple’s commercial edificethis is a direct quote from the piece. To demonstrate a stronger understanding of the article, I'd try and put this in your own words. . Employingthis is a very minor critique, but try and avoid consecutive passive sentences. Sentence variation is refreshing for the reader  a passionate and frustrated tone Baragwanath appealsthis verb doesn't sit write in the sentence. Perhaps warns the general public or expresses her concern that.... to the general public and the city council that destruction of the epicentre that is Federation square would be devastating to not only its residents but for future generationswhy is it devastating? Use the introduction as an opportunity to get to the crux of the issue..
 
The authortry and stick to Baragwanath. It just makes for easy reading ridicules the thoughtthis is fairly vague. Use topic sentences to pinpoint the specifies of argument. Oftentimes, the best topic sentences in AA are those that combine argument with the overarching technique. Eg. "With the intent of deriding the construction of Apple's proposed building, Baragwanath opens her piece by comparing the structure to "a tacky gold spaceship." This type of sentence makes it easier to launch into smooth analysis    of replacing Federation Square buildings with an Apple store. Baragwanath wastes no timea bit too colloquial clearly revealing her stance on the issue by constructing a negative image of Apple’s proposal through attacks and criticism proposing that such architecture would resemble “a tacky gold spaceship” in design. Such suggestions attempt to incite a strong sense of repulsion great, but why? Spend more time analysing this phrase and its particular implications. from residents of Victoria’s capital, encouraging the reader to find such “commercial aspirations” distasteful and hence provoking the reader to agree that to build such a structure would be to make a mockery of the city of Melbourne this is a fantastic "why" conclusion, that would be made even stronger with further emphasis on the "how" . Accentuating this notion, Baragwanath attempts to engender the audience one can't really "engender" something/someone else. Engender means to cause or give effect to. Eg. "X seeks to engender a sense of exigency in readers.. that the Apple store that would be nothing more than an “incongruent Commercial edifice” in comparison with the current Federation Square building. Through her tonal shift between addressing the current structure exultantlyfantastic pick-up on tonal shift  Can you provide some tighter evidence, though? She uses a fair bit of lofty, romantic imagery to describe the current Fed square. and discussing the envisioned Apple store with condemnationagain, this would be even stronger if you could back it up with some analysis.. Coupled with the words and phrases such as “insult[ing]” and “urban vandalism,” which describe to describing the proposed structure, Baragwanath provides an image of an abhorrent design and carries connotations good, but can you clarify the stem of these connotations? Which words specifically? Vandalism?of shame and disdain, prompting the likely target audience of citizens of Victoria to view this proposition as a step in the wrong direction for their citya little bit too colloquial. Try and be more specific. Is it degrading Victoria's untouched refinement? Perpetuation of social decorum?. Through her attacks and negative depictions of the Apple store proposed to replace federation square, Baragwanath successfully try and refrain from phrases like this if you can. For examiners, it would come across as a subjective critique.encourages Victorians to reflect on the negative consequencesagain, try and be more specific of losing such a highly esteemed architectural landmark from Melbourne’s city.

Well done on the analysis, gainster You have fantastic close reading skills, picking up on subtleties in tone, implicit comparisons and specific reader effects. This skill adds a unique flair to your writing. To take this even further, I'd encourage you to spend more time fleshing out the actual evidence in the piece. Every time you quote something, really take the time to consider whether it is clarifying your ultimate conclusion (reader effect). Think, what is it about this word or phrase that leads to a certain feeling/thought/reaction? I'm looking forward to watching your progress!