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March 29, 2024, 11:40:57 pm

Author Topic: 2018 AA Club - Week 4  (Read 4686 times)

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Lear

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Re: 2018 AA Club - Week 4
« Reply #15 on: January 26, 2018, 10:24:42 pm »
0
Glad to hear it. I was unfortunately slightly preoccupied last few weeks.

P.s If a mod could combine my last Post and anonymous piece I would be very grateful.
2018: ATAR: 99.35
Subjects
English: 44
Methods: 43
Further Maths: 50
Chemistry: 46
Legal: 40
2019: Bachelor of Medical Science and Doctor of Medicine @ Monash

clarke54321

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Re: 2018 AA Club - Week 4
« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2018, 10:18:25 am »
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Amid recent discussion regarding approaches to education, Karen Eslea, the head of learning at an art gallery, has written a letter-to-the-editor in response to Rufus Norris’ opinion piece a lovely and concise first sentence. Building upongiven that you haven't yet introduced Eslea's ultimate contention, this phrase seems jolting. Perhaps try, To convey the notion that...... Or, you could even invert the sentence (which might enhance logicality). Eg. By employing a concerned tone, Eslea fervently contends.... his view that arts education should be encouraged in all schools as an investmentthis is very minor, but try and be more specific. What kind of investment? for the future, Eslea employs a concerned tone to allegeI'd opt for a different verb. Allege means to accuse someone of something illegal/morally wrong. Maybe aver/intimate/declare would work better. that the current impact children can have is being overlooked. Ultimately, Eslea aims to enhance the general public’s value in art and youth contribution <--perhaps these ideas should be introduced earlier (in the context of the contention). The sentences looks a bit forced.. A very strong introduction on the whole. Your expression and general structure are fantastic  :)

From the outset, Eslea accentuates the loss to society caused by ignoring children’s abilities using a concerned and grim tone expression is off here. You can easily correct this by flipping the sentence. Eg. From the outset, Elsea adopts predominantly concerned and grim tones, to accentuate the loss society will endure if children's artistic abilities are ignored.. The inclusive ‘we will be poorer for it’ is intended to instil a sense of loss in the readergreat recognition of reader effect, but try and fill in the analysis before jumping to this step. Flesh out what the language seeks to imply. There is the suggestion that, by promoting artistic education, we will be able to foster some kind of unique richness. After fleshing this out, you can then smoothly insert reader effect (ie. shame/ a yearning for heightened creativity, etc) and in turn make the reader feel that the country is missing out. This is backed up although a very minor issue, this phrase could be classed as colloquial.Try, "This notion of loss is further corroborated/fortified/bolstered by the statement....by the statement that ‘capability’ is ‘decreasing’ as kids age. <----hang on, you've left this hanging without any analysis. Be sure to tease out evidence before moving along to the next point----->Eslea’s later tonal shift what is this tonal shift, and how did it come about? Eg. The implicitly uplifting idea that an educational "investment" in the creative arts "can pay today," and hence propel the development of a culturally enriched society, not only highlights Eslea's shift to an encouraging tone, but it too juxtaposes.........when highlighting the ‘investment’ readers can make that ‘can pay today’ is an attempt to mitigate the audience’s previously captivated sense of loss <---with some analytical refining, this will make for a fabulous pick-up. Through this juxtaposition between loss and gain, she eases the audience while simultaneously fueling their belief in childhood contribution again, if you can work on the analysis("how" the language is working towards a conclusion), this point shall become clearer.. Furthermore, having described a future with childhood intelligence utilised as ‘happier’, ‘healthier’, ‘fairer’ and ‘inclusive’, Eslea elicits a sense of communityhere is another example of the "why" phase (reader effect). Before you get here, you need to focus on the "how" step. Consider the use of comparatives in, "happier, "healthier" and "fairer." What do these suggest about civilisation as it currently stands? There is the strident implication of improvement. by envisioning a world where children are ‘deeply engaged’ in ‘their communities.’ This string of romanticised and positively connoted language nice acknowledgment of the romanticised diction. However, try and be more specific with your connotations. "Positively connoted" isn't going to cut it with examiners.depicting the future engenders the audiencehmm...this is the wrong application of engenders. You can't really engender an audience. Rather, you can engender a sense of pity/anger/compassion in readers to consider the immense benefits to the community and in turn side with her contentiontry and avoid phrases like this when possible. It is, in effect, flimsy analysis. Be specific with the contention..

Eslea consistently promotes the power of children throughout her letter, positing that their abilitieswhat kind of abilities? are currently undervalued excellent signposting of argument :). The use of the tricolon ‘skills, creativity and ideas’ when showcasing their capability is an attemptI wouldn't class this as actual analysis. You've mentioned the tricolon ("what"), so now use this fantastic device for discussion. Think of the compounding nature of the adjectives. How does this kind of procession emphasise your argument? to stress this very view. This is further enforced by the repeated idea of the ‘divergent thinking’ and ‘creativity’ these ‘highly creative members of society’ are capable of. Through being repeatedly exposed to these desirable characteristicsagain, this isn't necessarily analysis, but a summation of Eslea's writing tendencies.  , the audience is invited to have a stronger belief in the abilities of children. The author insures<--subjective. We cannot know if doubt is completely dispelled.Try, Eslea endeavours to dispel any remnant of doubt that readers may possess, by..... to completely remove doubts in readers’ minds by providing the statistic ’98% of pre-school children are ranked ‘genius,” This statistic in combination with her company’s view that children can make an ‘enormous contribution’ to society adds authenticitybut how is authenticity established? You are doing a fantastic job by connecting all the latent points in the piece, but aren't solidifying them with analysis. Like Scout mentioned in a previous correction, 98% is a huge figure. Does this suggest that we have a whole lot of wasted talent? Seems like it. Work around intimations like this. to her argument that children are more capable than commonly believed. Lastly,very minor- but this can give off a "list-y" feel to your analysis. It's best to stick to connective phrases, for they sustain coherency. the pejorative ‘staggering’ used when positing that the country disregards ‘18% of its population’ is aimed to strongly condemnagain, we have the "why" phase coming in before the "how" (analysis) By providing such a figure, Eslea indicates that there is substantial merit and justification in the views of citizens. Hence, shouldn't they be considered? Not blatantly disregarded? the action of ignoring a big part of the population. This in conjunction with her portrayal of the importance of children breeds a sense of concern in the audience and positions them to believe that possibly the most important section of the population is not heard nice zoom out.

Overall, Karen Eslea advances the potential of children while ensuring the general public understands what society is missing out oncolloquial. Through igniting fear for wastage of knowledge on one hand while using colourful language to describe power on the other <---the expression used in this segment is fairly clunky. Try and cut down on words., Eslea ultimately aims to generate a sense of value of the contribution of young kidsclunky and in turn advocate for an increase in involvement of children in the United Kingdom.


Well done on the analysis, Lear  :) On the whole, this was a strong piece of writing. Your ability to pick up on a diverse range of techniques, employ varied sentence structures, integrate quotes seamlessly and consistently discuss reader effect will put you in a very good position for future argument analyses. Perhaps the one issue that dampens these strengths is your lack of wholesome analysis. I'd recommend that you go through this piece again and reflect on your movement between evidence and reader effect. Oftentimes, you neglect to work intimately with the language at hand, and discuss how its features create an intended response. Next to several sentences, I've tried to help you out with this. Keep up the amazing work!
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Lear

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Re: 2018 AA Club - Week 4
« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2018, 10:34:23 am »
+1
Oh boy. Will definitely have to work on that. Thank you Clarke, I really appreciate it!
2018: ATAR: 99.35
Subjects
English: 44
Methods: 43
Further Maths: 50
Chemistry: 46
Legal: 40
2019: Bachelor of Medical Science and Doctor of Medicine @ Monash