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March 29, 2024, 09:45:41 pm

Author Topic: [VCE English] - Creative Response - Nine Days  (Read 5418 times)  Share 

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ArtyDreams

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[VCE English] - Creative Response - Nine Days
« on: March 08, 2020, 06:10:34 pm »
+1
[Essay Deleted as it was used for a SAC (my own)]
« Last Edit: March 12, 2020, 08:29:19 pm by ArtyDreams »

angrybiscuit

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Re: [VCE English] - Creative Response - Nine Days
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2020, 08:57:34 pm »
+3
Hey ArtyDreams!
Fresh with wounds from an english creative sac, I'll try to provide as much feedback as I can. Bare in mind these are the ones my school looks out for so they might be different to what your teachers are looking for.

General things to mind (these may or may not apply to the piece you wrote!):
- It's good to always refer to Richmond. The Streets and locations will add more depth and knowledge to your piece.
Try to incorporate in streets like Lennox Street, Swan Street, Bridge Road, Church Street, Yarra River. Lennox Street intersects with Rowena Parade and it connects it to Bridge Road. If you're unsure, it's best to google the maps.
Factories include the munitions; (usually during the war settings), the IXL factory (jam factory), Bryant and May (matches factory) and the tannery. Those are the ones mentioned in the book.

- When she's walking across Richmond talk about the air, and its surroundings. Toni Jordan always talks about the pollution and the smell of the air. Especially see Kip's chapter. He talks about the sweetness in the air from the IXL, the smoke from the Bryant and May. Other characters like Jack note the soot from the air. Make note that Richmond during that time was filled with slums and so characters will often walk by them. Adding little descriptions of Richmond will really set the scene.

- Just before Jean's chapter began, the telegram boy (who delivered the news of the deceased soldiers) came. Maybe start off the chapter with Connie watching the telegram and her sudden realisation of what had happened.

“I saw the telegram boy on my way home yesterday.’ Her eyes are rimmed red. I wonder if she’s slept at all. ‘I saw him ride ahead of me up Lennox Street and slow down to read the numbers. I saw him get off his bike and lean it against the fence.”
Excerpt From: Toni Jordan. “Nine Days.” Apple Books.

- Also in that chapter Connie heard Mrs Husting crying in the night. Maybe reflect on that also?

“It was Ada Husting, keening well into the small hours. It’s not a wonder Connie couldn’t sleep.”
Excerpt From: Toni Jordan. “Nine Days.” Apple Books.

_______
I can feel my body wandering through the empty streets of Richmond.
Hm, if this scene takes place at night, in historical context Connie might not be allowed to walk at night. Recall Jack's chapter where Connie asks Jack where he walks to at night and how lucky is because all she would do is walk and walk if she was a man.


The streets below me are a colourful artwork, full of hustling and happiness.
Just nitpicking at this point but back then I don't think I would describe the streets of Richmond as 'colourful' nor was it very 'happy.' If you recall Jack's chapter, from their point of the hill they can see slums, the 'poor man's paddock.' Jack also despised Richmond for its ugliness and it's barrenness both from the land (the soot, the pollution, the slums) and from the people. But there sure is a lot of hustle in the mornings!

‘How could you have been so stupid?’
When Jean first found out about her pregnancy, she was ecstatic, thinking it was Mr Ward's. Maybe reflect on Connie's shock at her mother's reaction. Not sure if you intentionally skipped out that part because sometimes I do that when it makes the piece too long.

‘Its best done now……Kip…...’
This baby was the only thing I had left of Jack and now it may not last. It was created through so much love and passion, but now that he was gone, I needed to transfer more love to Kip. I needed him to stay. He could not leave my side now. I find myself slowly moving my head up and down. It was almost an accident – I always do what’s right. Either way, Ma felt my answer and I couldn’t go back now. Jack was ever so far away from me, and the one thing that connects us will soon be gone too.

Imo, the biggest reason why Connie decided to abort the baby was because of Kip and her family. Write about her thoughts when Jean mentions Kip and Jean mentions the implications of the pregnancy. Connie doesn't want Kip to be ashamed of her, nor does she want to be Kip's burden as a result of her actions. I feel like this could be a catalytic moment in your piece, where her duty to her family overcomes her own desires and passions. Ultimately, Connie does want to have the baby, it's the only thing she has left of Jack. But this will cost her family's reputation and drag her family down the hill. I love that sentence you used - "I always do what's right", it literally sums up Connie's character. She sacrificed so much for her family, her art school, her dreams and finally her baby, because that's what she believes is 'right'. Her last words were "It's alright Ma, I'm not going anywhere" which shows her devotion for her family. At this point this is just a rant/analysis of Connie's character, my bad.

All in all, I think you did great. My 'feedback' is generally just nitpicking sorry! I'm really bad at doing specific feedback but I hoped I've given you some tips to add some pizzazz to your work. Best of luck for next week! 
somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
carl sagan

ArtyDreams

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Re: [VCE English] - Creative Response - Nine Days
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2020, 09:29:20 pm »
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WOW - thank you SO MUCH angrybiscuit - honestly so grateful for all your advice!! I'll def be using some of this for my actual creative SAC! I love the extra talking points/areas to expand on!

- also one more thing considering I reckon you know the book pretty much a lot better than I do - do you think I 'added' something, as in a perspective that Jordan didn't give? Its probs hard to say because I haven't done an explanation though.

angrybiscuit

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Re: [VCE English] - Creative Response - Nine Days
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2020, 10:22:17 pm »
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WOW - thank you SO MUCH angrybiscuit - honestly so grateful for all your advice!! I'll def be using some of this for my actual creative SAC! I love the extra talking points/areas to expand on!

- also one more thing considering I reckon you know the book pretty much a lot better than I do - do you think I 'added' something, as in a perspective that Jordan didn't give? Its probs hard to say because I haven't done an explanation though.
You're welcome!

The written explanation will definitely show your thought-process as you write which should show your teachers/assessors what you're trying to put across. This should be sufficient. It's a hard question to answer because in 'adding' something that Jordan didn't give, we risk straying away from the ideas of the book... if that makes any sense at all. But imo you added to Connie's feelings of helplessness and how utterly lost she was, which was something Jordan didn't really flesh out much in Jean's perspective.
somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
carl sagan