Mark my 2019 exam argument analysis?

[bamboozled]

My goal was to write this in 45 minutes to recreate exam conditions but it ended up unfortunately taking me a little over an hour . What mark out of 10 would y'all give me? How can I improve?? Thanks

Spoiler

The recent surge of cashless methods of paying has sparked a debate pertaining to the relevancy of hard cash in the 21st century. Hailey Astaire’s amiable advertorial, entitled “A Better, Faster Shopping Experience” to a local newspaper, lauds the practical advantages of cashless payments, delineating electronic payments as methods necessary to embrace the future of shopping. In a fervent response to Astaire’s piece, published a week after hers, Samuel Morricone condemns Astaire for her thoughtlessness, propounding the prospect of a ‘cashless’ future as a decision driven by freed and financial gain, rather than the prosperity of her costumers.

Astaire commences with a fond portrayal of her store as an establishment with the best interests of her costumers in mind. Depicting her store as “not average”, arousing a sense of uniqueness, and describing her store as “different” by “putt[ing] [their] customers first”, Astaire fosters a palpable sense of originality in her store and a trust between her and her readership. As such, her description of the store as doling out “locally sourced food”, and “abolishing plastic bags” evokes a duality in a sense; reminding her customers that the store has already “embrac[ed]” successful change in the past, and that the store has proven continually that it prioritises the utmost satisfaction of its customers. This notion is substantiated in an accompanying image illustrating the trust and pride between the store and its customers evinced in the handshake apparent in the image – elucidating the impression that the proposal will foster a greater sense of companionship and prosperity for both the store and customer, engendering Astaire’s latter arguments as more receptive to enticed customers.

Astaire lauds the advent of cashless transactions in a bid to engender her proposal as a necessary and advantageous endeavour. Evincing how “nothing” will ostensibly change in the employment of cashless systems, Astaire avers how her proposal will be seamless; benefitting costumers effectively by ensuring their “worr[ies]” and valuable time wasted “rummaging through bags of coins” will be a mitigated through a single “tap” of a “smart watch or ring”. As such, Astaire’s accentuates this reform of their transaction systems as rudimentary and coherent, rather than invasively complicated. Astaire follows by inciting a sense of fear in her readership by evincing the prevalence of “pickpocketing” in the area, reinforcing cashless systems as not only more practical and seamless, but also safer and more reliable to members of her community as customers won’t be forced into bearing “wads” of cash that undoubtably tempts thieves.

While Astaire’s piece manifestly evocates the advantages of cashless systems, Morricone repudiates and accuses this proposal as propelled by Astaire’s avarice. Promulgating how the benefiting party of this proposal would be, in fact, “the store!” as those who “don’t use cash tend to spend more”, Morricone engenders the readership to reconsider the motives behind Astaire’s ‘cashless’ endeavour. Underscoring his mother’s needs as a woman who “relies on cash” from her “pension”, Morricone annunciates the stores proposal as one that is inconsiderate and thoughtless, prompting his readership to largely reject Astaire’s aforementioned claim of customer prosperity. As such, Morricone galvanizes his readership to oppose Astaire’s proposal for forging a divide between capable youth familiar with technology and largely neglected, “old fashioned” customers like Morricone’s mother in which the store has rendered as a minority that – “do not matter”. This dichotomy is corroborated by the image of an Eftpos machine bearing a complicated myriad of buttons and a screen reading “ERROR”, allowing Morricone to demonstrate the unreliable nature of the technology and subsequently allowing his readership to infer how the technology is tailored to younger customers, thereby neglecting older customers for the store’s pursuit of wealth. Ultimately, Morricone condemns Astaire’s proposal for its tacit disregard of those unfamiliar with cashless technologies, alluding to Astaire’s dishonesty in order to capitalize on recent technologies to “make more money”.