The controversies and uproar in regards to the recent “Christmas Island deaths” has engendered
(be more specific to the medium - published?) an opinion piece from Herald Sun writer, Andrew Bolt. In his article “Don’t blame me, blame Julia Gillard”, Bolt contends that the high toll
(this could be better rephrased as a 'high death toll of asylum seekers were due...' - i think Bolt is focusing more on the death of innocent people) of asylum seeker casualties were due to “the Gillard Government” and their ill-conceived, overly lax policies. Incorporating a blunt, derogative and occasionally sarcastic tone, Bolt targets politically concerned Australian readers. In attempt to persuade them of his assertions, Bolt continuously denigrates the Gillard Government whilst rhetorically and emotively appealing to his readers.
(good intro, but your trying to be a bit wordy (something i do as well), try not to just list the different tones - but focus on the overall tone and you can mention the change in tone in another paragraph where you feel is appropriate)In Bolt’s opening statements, he directly portrays the current situation by informing that “these latest 28 or more people” were lead to their deaths, “just like up to 170 others”(
opening of your paragraph could be more general and then you could narrow down to the respective parts of the piece you are refering to - you are also trying to put too may quotes in one sentence).
the? Blatant announcement of this tragic statistic evokes impact and awareness in the readers. By following this with the sarcastic utterance “it’s never been the right time” to blame the Government, readers are immediately led into associating the recent deaths with the Gillard Government. With this connection established, Bolt alienates the Government’s reputation through a series of attacks, evident in Bolt’s depiction of the Government as “criminally reckless”.
(good sentence! however, you need to go into more depth about the attacks used by Bolt).. Furthermore, Bolt associates the Labour party with cunning, manipulative connotations by repetitively stating how the “Government was encouraging boat people to risk their lives at sea”
(long quote, you can just simplify it and put it in your own words - but i see what you are trying to do). This is apparent in instances such as “tempted into the boats – and to their deaths at sea”, “Gillard deceitfully implied” and “laws that lured people on to sinking boats”(
ok you have just listed examples, however, you need to connect the examples with the effects - try go for the TEE approach when you get a bit lost in your writing). This combination of derogative attacks and repeated semantic associations casts the Government in a deceptive, untrustworthy shadow, fundamentally forcing readers to side with Bolt’s contention, or to at least leave them susceptible to future persuasive techniques he employs
(go into more depth about the attacks). .
(some good vocabulary has been used, but you are doing the same thing i do where you just list the techniques without exploring them further, you need to do into detail about HOW?)Bolt attempts to engage his audience emotionally throughout various segments of his piece, with the most notable statement being “deaths on Wednesday of these men, women and – God rest them – children”(
not exactly the best way to start a paragraphy, try ' Bolt engages with the reader's emotions and moral principles. just made that up on the spot - i'm just saying to rephrase it to be more of a topic sentence), it is not always wise to insert a quote in a topic sentence By emphasising the death of children, Bolt emotionally instils a sense of responsibility in the audience and
may (positions the reader to feel that they have a duty to help the most vulnerable?) encourage response from them(you also need to explain the effect a bit better and in more detail). . In addition, the statement serves a secondary purpose of portraying the writer as a genuinely concerned figure
(better, now go into more detail about the common good and basic moral values). . The author follows this with the remark “I’ve recorded those deaths, starting with nine people...”(
long unecessary quote). The amalgamation of his consideration
(a bit wordy) for the refugee’s welfare and his actual involvement in the field develops his credibility and further solidifies his argument
(How does Bolt appear more credible? go into detail - we all know he is trying to be credible, but we need to know how exactly he gives us this idea). . Consequently, the writer garners support by quoting Ian Rintoul, of the Refugee action Collective, reaffirming that “Government anti-refugee policy is responsible for the tragedy”. By involving the audience emotionally whilst providing sound and reputable support for his arguments, Bolt may leave readers with little reason to doubt his arguments.
(this does not feel complete, you've put a good example - but it is too long. you need to go into the specific effect of each technique rather than just give an overall effect - otherwise a sound paragraph with some great vocabulary)Throughout the article, the author provides the audience with various statistics and accounts of asylum seeker fatalities.
(a much better topic sentence:)). Records such as “death toll since Labor’s changes had reached 25”, “26 hours after this latest boat smashed” and “nine people who drowned when their boat sank” reinforce the tragic state the Gillard Government has supposedly created -
(don't use so many quotes, i know you are trying to really show that you have read the piece and know all examples, but stringing the quotes together is a waste of a sentence - maybe you should use only the most succint quote and flow it into the sentence tyhat discusses the effect of this technique) . Furthermore, Bolt includes a visual aid that illustrates the tempestuous dangers asylum seekers face as they seek refuge in Australia. The inclusion of the image accentuates the impact of Bolt’s evidence as readers are able to visually comprehend the horrors the asylum seekers brave. This will leave readers inclined into believing that the seekers were “lured to their deaths”, and thus support Bolt’s contention
(good, but go into more detail and maybe describe a part of the picture you are focusing on). (the topic sentence and the end of your paragraph were good, but way too many quotes and less effect -> more effect, less example and you will have a much more solid response)Bolt employs the use of rhetorical questions, “but why?” and “before the next boat sinks, or after?”, in reference to being “too early to blame the Gillard Government”
(good, i think you shouldn't have added the extra quote at the end, but the first half was better). Although they encourage the Australia
n public to question the integrity of the Gillard Government immediately, Bolt’s rhetoric devices serve a more ulterior purpose at the end of the article(
what is the purpose?, don't just introduce it and not finish the sentence). Following considerable amounts of repetition in statements such as “too soon”, “it’s never been the right time” and Bolt’s final “but it’s always too soon to blame what’s already killed so many”, the author leave readers with the notion that it is the right time for blaming “Gillard’s weak laws”. In addition, Bolt incorporates inclusive language in various aspects of his article, evident in instances such as “we should welcome them”, “we encourage” and “all the facts we need”. This indirectly involves the audience in Bolt’s issue by creating a sense that “we are all responsible”, further emphasising Bolt’s repetition and rhetoric devices as readers would be obligated into taking a stance.
(not bad, you've identified the technique, given too many examples and less effect -> again just remember too many quotes can make your oral seem a bit boring)Andrew Bolt argues that the recent deaths in asylum seekers were due to “the sugar of Labor’s softer treatment”. The author attempts to persuade the Australian public of his contention by attacking the Gillard Government and providing overwhelming amount of statistics and records of deaths
(reword this a bit better). Bolt utilizes repetition and a visual aid in order to emphasise his arguments whilst establishing his credibility through expert opinion and an account of his involvement. By engaging his audience through inclusive language, various emotional appeals and his rhetoric devices, Bolt leaves readers with his notion in which it may ultimately manifest into support of his views.
a reasonable conclusion, however, don't list all the techniques at the end - look on the board for some better conclusions)overall
you need to put less quotes
more effects
don't be genric
follow the TEE method and you wil have a much more solid structured response
BTW i was not trying to be mean so please don't be annoyed
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