Post by: elysepopplewell on February 05, 2016, 08:41:05 am
Hey everyone!! Welcome to the English Area of Study Essay Marking Thread. This thread is here for you to get feedback on your AoS essays from a Band 6 student. This resource exists to help you guys make huge improvements on your essay writing... Too often, teachers just write "good" or "needs explaining" or "expand". SUPER. FRUSTRATING. This is a place to properly improve :) :) :)
Before posting, please read the essay marking rules/rationale here.
Post away, and happy studies!! ;D ;D
Post by: Happy Physics Land on February 05, 2016, 09:09:44 am
Hey everyone!
We've made this extra thread here on top of the free standard english essay marking and the free advanced English essay marking because we want the AOS feedback to be all in one spot - because it will be very helpful for student's to read each other's feedback!
To have your English Discovery essay marked, just:
- Post it in this thread
- Include whether you have any particular concerns about the essay. E.g., "Can you please check to see that my argument makes sense" and things like that.
Anyway, post away! Essays should be marked within a few days.
Happy studies!
Hello Elyse:
Thank you so much for doing something so great like this. I think this will help many students from the wider community in NSW. I dont have any particular concern about my essay except for my introduction. I have been quite stuck on trying to write a band 6 type intro. Therefore would it be possible for you to have a look at my essay and give me some feedbacks? Thank you so much Elyse!
Best Regards
Happy Physics Land
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 08, 2016, 12:14:10 pm
Hello Elyse:
Thank you so much for doing something so great like this. I think this will help many students from the wider community in NSW. I dont have any particular concern about my essay except for my introduction. I have been quite stuck on trying to write a band 6 type intro. Therefore would it be possible for you to have a look at my essay and give me some feedbacks? Thank you so much Elyse!
Best Regards
Happy Physics Land
Hey! So I'm copying and pasting your intro into here and I'll comment on it in bold.
Transformative experiences of discovery, involving the overcoming of obstacles and recognition towards greater human potentials, can often challenge popular social assumptions through renewed perceptions towards the reality of remote circumstances and confronting events. (Okay, I love that your first sentence doesn't just hard out agree with the question. That's a very good trait for your essay. However, you do only have one sentence before you jump into your texts. As a general rule, you should have a thesis statement, a sentence or two to flesh it out, then introduce your texts. The reason for this is, this is a concept based study, not a text based study. You need to flesh out discovery and your opinion on it, and then use the texts only as a support system. I would take out the "involving the overcoming of..." bit and leave that for your next sentence. The next sentence should flesh out the intial part a bit more, yknow, show that you understand the question but you also have something else to offer in terms of discovery.)This notion is explored in Simon Nasht’s documentary Frank Hurley: the Man who Made History (2004). This documentary holistically illustrates the magnificence of Antarctica and the atrocity of World War I, hence depicting an alternative reality of these events for a contemporary audience. Similarly, Markus Zusak’s novel The Messenger (2002) affirms the social expectations that for teenagers, life can be unfulfilling but through determined actions and self-actualisation, this expectation can be challenged. (Now I'd bring it back to discovery. Have a sentence to bring it back to discovery and not texts, rake it in a bit so that your first paragraph will be introduced following the discovery concepts in the introduction. However, I think the way you deal with the texts in the introduction is good! You just need to create the paragraph's total coherence by sewing it all together!
Hopefully this makes sense! Feel free to send again or ask any questions if anything doesn't make sense :)
Post by: rjkim on February 22, 2016, 09:54:34 am
Hey everyone!
We've made this extra thread here on top of the free standard english essay marking and the free advanced English essay marking because we want the AOS feedback to be all in one spot - because it will be very helpful for student's to read each other's feedback!
To have your English Discovery essay marked, just:
- Post it in this thread
- Include whether you have any particular concerns about the essay. E.g., "Can you please check to see that my argument makes sense" and things like that.
Anyway, post away! Essays should be marked within a few days.
Happy studies!
Hi Elyse! Thanks so much for helping out! My attached link is a little different as it's not an essay but a seminar speech. I was wondering if my thesis makes sense and if I keep linking back to it? and also, if there are any bits that I could take out it would be great if you told me!
Thanks,
Rach :) :) :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 22, 2016, 12:44:26 pm
Hi can you please mark this. It would be much appreciated :) :)
You know I can! :)
Here is your unmarked essay:
Spoiler
The evolution of each individual is fertilised by their experiences of and response to discovery, highlighting the ingenuity and the dastardly intrigue that surrounds human endeavours, nature and ambitions. Bill Bryson’s scientific, non-fiction memoir; A Short History of Nearly Everything (ASHONE) and Danny Boyle’s bildungsroman film; Slumdog Millionaire (SM) characterises readers to effectuate an expressive, neoteric outlook on life through renewed perceptions of the individual and their society. The speculation of fresh future possibilities and human experiences that fabricate characteristic progression can be seen through notions of society, relationships and places disinterred through the concept of discovery.
Evolution of human nature arises in response to the rediscovery of a less than pure quest for scientific glory, highlighting the ingenuity of scientific ambitions and endeavours. Focalising discoveries contrived within the last 400 hundred years allows Bryson to bring in modern opinions and dialogue from contempory lectures and interviews, helping readers to ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Helping highlight the ingenuity and the dastardly intrigue that surrounds human endeavour and ambition leading to the rediscovery of a less pure history of the quest for scientific glory, is the relationship between ‘Sussex country doctor’; Gideon Algernon Mantel and ‘star palaeontologist’; Richard Owen. Relationships such as these build upon Bryson’s central theme, that ‘science is full of wow moments, drama and interesting people’, which lecturer; Alison Cardinal believes ‘warmly charms the density and data of science’. The nature of experiences between Mantel and Owen takes a series of unfortunate and ironic turns in relation to what we, as the reader, discover as the ‘competitive nature of human individuals for the ‘social scientific recognition’. Bryson, through coloured language, positions his subjective viewpoint against Owen for the following scientific context, “gaunt and sinister like a villain… lamentable coldness of heart… A face to frighten babies”. Through the semantic implementation of euphemism Bryson foreshadows the loss of value of the ‘star palaeontologist’. In 1841 while ‘Owen would achieve his greatest glory for identifying dinosaurs’ Mantel was involved in an accident which had ‘left him crippled and in chronic pain, with spine damage beyond repair’. Owen then took advantage of Mantels ‘enfeebled state’ and expurgated Mantels contributions from the record, taking credit for the discovery of species which Mantel had named over the years. The stark juxtaposition of the conditions of both individuals as well as the incorporation of indirect allegory; the abuse of power in totalitarian scientific structures, challenges what the reader believes to be the stereotypical nature of the scientific industry. Moreover Bryson’s selective use of figurative language through sympathetic tone for Mantel ‘After losing his wife, his children, his medical practice and his fossil collection…Remarkably his troubles were only the beginning’ develops pathos adhering to the discovery of his ironic unfair treatment. Owens acts, soon come to end with an undoing of events that leads to the social discovery of the inauthenticity of Owens reports which Bryson highlight with a catharsis ‘Eventually scientist; Huxley managed to do to Owen what he had done to so many others; he had him voted out of the council’. The discovery of tenacious human ambitions and scientific relationships within the scientific social world leads to the re-discovery of less than pure experiences for scientific glory and recognition, one which emotionally evolves one’s cynical nature.
The evolution of human perceptivity results from progressive movements of society, stimulated through the discovery of the effects of human ambitions and endeavours on the broader world. One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as endeavours of key modern Australian discoverers; Tim Flannery, Alan Thorne and Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of discovery’. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, ‘astronomical picture book bungalow…quiet yet cheerful man”, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘willingness to make connections’ within society. Conversely, Bryson espouses strong contrast in negative connotation of the Australian society in the context of the global catastrophes resultant of discovery of the effects human behaviour and ambitions. The parody of Australian society’s perceptions and values in 1936 is proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farce representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. However the progressive view of Australian society due to progression in timeframes evinces the evolution of positive attitudes of the 1936 Australian society to modern day Evans. Bryson substantiates the dramatic change in discovery of social values and behaviour to convey that discovery is an ongoing aspect of not just the evolution of individuals and their effect on their world but also themselves and their values. The movements of the Australian attitudes and ambitions in response to effects of global extinction have led to the perceptive evolution of Australian society and its endeavours.
Here is the essay with a little tweaking. My comments will be in bold.
Spoiler
The evolution of each individual is fertilised by their experiences of and response to discovery, highlighting the ingenuity and the dastardly intrigue that surrounds human endeavours, nature and ambitions. (I'm just going to pull you up right here. II suggest that you split your first sentence into two. Keep the texts out of it until at least your third sentence in the introduction. This is a concept based essay, so really flesh out your ideas. When the first comma is in the first sentence, just make that a full stop and continue. This makes it flow better.Bill Bryson’s scientific, non-fiction memoir; A Short History of Nearly Everything (ASHONE) and Danny Boyle’s bildungsroman film; Slumdog Millionaire (SM) characterises readers to effectuate an expressive, neoteric outlook on life through (through discoveries that have stimulated renewed perceptions...?) renewed perceptions of the individual and their society. The speculation of fresh future possibilities and human experiences that fabricate characteristic progression can be seen through notions of society, relationships and places disinterred through the concept of discovery.
Evolution of human nature arises in response to the rediscovery of a less than pure quest for scientific glory, highlighting the ingenuity of scientific ambitions and endeavours. (This first sentence is very specified. Again, I would keep the first sentence here not even remotely text driven, and keep your follow up sentence to be your lead into the text. Then, your third sentence explicitly references the text.)Focalising discoveries contrived within the last 400 hundred years allows Bryson to bring in modern opinions and dialogue from contemporySpelling error<<< lectures and interviews, helping readers to ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Is this a quote from the text? If it isn't and is from a scholar, make sure you reference it. Otherwise, this is a great embedded quote. Helping highlight the ingenuity and the dastardly (I really like that you've used this word again after establishing it in your introduction. It shows textual integrity.)intrigue that surrounds human endeavour and ambition leading to the rediscovery of a less pure history of the quest for scientific glory, is the relationship between ‘Sussex country doctor’; Gideon Algernon Mantel and ‘star palaeontologist’; Richard Owen. Relationships such as these build upon Bryson’s central theme, that ‘science is full of wow moments, drama and interesting people’, which lecturer; Alison Cardinal believes ‘warmly charms the density and data of science’. The nature of experiences between Mantel and Owen takes a series of unfortunate and ironic turns in relation to what we, as the reader, discover as the ‘competitive nature of human individuals for the ‘social scientific recognition’. Bryson, through coloured language, positions his subjective viewpoint against Owen for the following scientific context, “gaunt and sinister like a villain… lamentable coldness of heart… A face to frighten babies”. Through the semantic implementation of euphemism Bryson foreshadows the loss of value of the ‘star palaeontologist’. In 1841 while ‘Owen would achieve his greatest glory for identifying dinosaurs’ Mantel was involved in an accident which had ‘left him crippled and in chronic pain, with spine damage beyond repair’. Owen then took advantage of Mantels ‘enfeebled state’ and expurgated Mantels contributions from the record, taking credit for the discovery of species which Mantel had named over the years. The stark juxtaposition of the conditions of both individuals as well as the incorporation of indirect allegory; the abuse of power in totalitarian scientific structures, challenges what the reader believes to be the stereotypical nature of the scientific industry. Moreover Bryson’s selective use of figurative language through sympathetic tone for Mantel ‘After losing his wife, his children, his medical practice and his fossil collection…Remarkably his troubles were only the beginning’ develops pathos adhering to the discovery of his ironic unfair treatment. Owens acts, soon come to end with an undoing of events that leads to the social discovery of the inauthenticity of Owens reports which Bryson highlight with a catharsis ‘Eventually scientist; Huxley managed to do to Owen what he had done to so many others; he had him voted out of the council’. The discovery of tenacious human ambitions and scientific relationships within the scientific social world leads to the re-discovery of less than pure experiences for scientific glory and recognition, one which emotionally evolves one’s cynical nature.
The evolution of human perceptivity results from progressive movements of society, stimulated through the discovery of the effects of human ambitions and endeavours on the broader world. One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as endeavours of key modern Australian discoverers; Tim Flannery, Alan Thorne and Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of discovery’. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, ‘astronomical picture book bungalow…quiet yet cheerful man”, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘willingness to make connections’ within society. Conversely, Bryson espouses strong contrast in negative connotation of the Australian society in the context of the global catastrophes resultant of discovery of the effects human behaviour and ambitions. The parody of Australian society’s perceptions and values in 1936 is proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farce representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. However the progressive view of Australian society due to progression in timeframes evinces the evolution of positive attitudes of the 1936 Australian society to modern day Evans. Bryson substantiates the dramatic change in discovery of social values and behaviour to convey that discovery is an ongoing aspect of not just the evolution of individuals and their effect on their world but also themselves and their values. The movements of the Australian attitudes and ambitions in response to effects of global extinction have led to the perceptive evolution of Australian society and its endeavours.
Evolution of human nature arises in response to the rediscovery of a less than pure quest for scientific glory, highlighting the ingenuity of scientific ambitions and endeavours. (This first sentence is very specified. Again, I would keep the first sentence here not even remotely text driven, and keep your follow up sentence to be your lead into the text. Then, your third sentence explicitly references the text.)Focalising discoveries contrived within the last 400 hundred years allows Bryson to bring in modern opinions and dialogue from contemporySpelling error<<< lectures and interviews, helping readers to ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Is this a quote from the text? If it isn't and is from a scholar, make sure you reference it. Otherwise, this is a great embedded quote. Helping highlight the ingenuity and the dastardly (I really like that you've used this word again after establishing it in your introduction. It shows textual integrity.)intrigue that surrounds human endeavour and ambition leading to the rediscovery of a less pure history of the quest for scientific glory, is the relationship between ‘Sussex country doctor’; Gideon Algernon Mantel and ‘star palaeontologist’; Richard Owen. Relationships such as these build upon Bryson’s central theme, that ‘science is full of wow moments, drama and interesting people’, which lecturer; Alison Cardinal believes ‘warmly charms the density and data of science’. The nature of experiences between Mantel and Owen takes a series of unfortunate and ironic turns in relation to what we, as the reader, discover as the ‘competitive nature of human individuals for the ‘social scientific recognition’. Bryson, through coloured language, positions his subjective viewpoint against Owen for the following scientific context, “gaunt and sinister like a villain… lamentable coldness of heart… A face to frighten babies”. Through the semantic implementation of euphemism Bryson foreshadows the loss of value of the ‘star palaeontologist’. In 1841 while ‘Owen would achieve his greatest glory for identifying dinosaurs’ Mantel was involved in an accident which had ‘left him crippled and in chronic pain, with spine damage beyond repair’. Owen then took advantage of Mantels ‘enfeebled state’ and expurgated Mantels contributions from the record, taking credit for the discovery of species which Mantel had named over the years. The stark juxtaposition of the conditions of both individuals as well as the incorporation of indirect allegory; the abuse of power in totalitarian scientific structures, challenges what the reader believes to be the stereotypical nature of the scientific industry. Moreover Bryson’s selective use of figurative language through sympathetic tone for Mantel ‘After losing his wife, his children, his medical practice and his fossil collection…Remarkably his troubles were only the beginning’ develops pathos adhering to the discovery of his ironic unfair treatment. Owens acts, soon come to end with an undoing of events that leads to the social discovery of the inauthenticity of Owens reports which Bryson highlight with a catharsis ‘Eventually scientist; Huxley managed to do to Owen what he had done to so many others; he had him voted out of the council’. The discovery of tenacious human ambitions and scientific relationships within the scientific social world leads to the re-discovery of less than pure experiences for scientific glory and recognition, one which emotionally evolves one’s cynical nature.
The evolution of human perceptivity results from progressive movements of society, stimulated through the discovery of the effects of human ambitions and endeavours on the broader world. One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as endeavours of key modern Australian discoverers; Tim Flannery, Alan Thorne and Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of discovery’. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, ‘astronomical picture book bungalow…quiet yet cheerful man”, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘willingness to make connections’ within society. Conversely, Bryson espouses strong contrast in negative connotation of the Australian society in the context of the global catastrophes resultant of discovery of the effects human behaviour and ambitions. The parody of Australian society’s perceptions and values in 1936 is proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farce representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. However the progressive view of Australian society due to progression in timeframes evinces the evolution of positive attitudes of the 1936 Australian society to modern day Evans. Bryson substantiates the dramatic change in discovery of social values and behaviour to convey that discovery is an ongoing aspect of not just the evolution of individuals and their effect on their world but also themselves and their values. The movements of the Australian attitudes and ambitions in response to effects of global extinction have led to the perceptive evolution of Australian society and its endeavours.
End Notes: Your original thesis is strong, however, you will need more that one. Your textual ideas are there but they need to be supported by smaller separate arguments. You have an introduction, one big middle paragraph and then a conclusion. You need to break up this middle section with some smaller paragraphs. You can choose to do it like this:
Concept:
Text 1: 3 pieces of evidence
Text 2: 2 pieces of evidence
Repeat.
Or you can show that discovery is never identical but choosing two different concepts to test each text against, and not have an integrated essay. Your next step is definitely working out how exactly you will break up this middle bit. You have existing strong ideas, but you need to flesh them out more to show a marker that you definitely know what you are talking about when it comes to discovery, and your texts back you up!
What other sections of the discovery rubric can be seen in your text? Can you flesh them out more with more textual evidence? In an exam, it is exhausting for a marker to read long paragraphs. Even if it doesn't appear to be long typed, when written in an exam, these types of paragraphs go over a page and a marker is left wondering when they will be given a space to reflect on what they just read.
Keep studying! Your ideas are there, you just need to flesh them out with a bit more support from the rubric and the text.
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 23, 2016, 12:19:21 pm
Hi Elyse! Thanks so much for helping out! My attached link is a little different as it's not an essay but a seminar speech. I was wondering if my thesis makes sense and if I keep linking back to it? and also, if there are any bits that I could take out it would be great if you told me!
Thanks,
Rach :) :) :)
Hey Rach! Totally cool that you've been given a speech to do, I'm assuming for an assignment?
Here is your original work, unedited:
Spoiler
Discoveries have the ability to change, alter and transform. Discuss.
Welcome to today’s seminar, where we will discuss how discoveries have the ability to change, alter and transform.
Confronting encounters can transform an individual’s identity and lead them on a journey of self-discovery, effectively altering and changing the way they perceive life.
We are able to see this journey of changing identity and self-discovery in The Motorcycle Diaries by Che Guevara and Margaret Atwood’s “Journey to the Interior”.
The Motorcycle Diaries is ultimately a collection of memoirs that highlights pre-revolutionary Che Guevara who undergoes a journey of changing identity as a result of a confronting discovery. We’re meant to effectively recognise that Che’s initial reason of embarking on a journey around Latin America was for adventure and entertainment. Additionally, we are able to recognise that he comes to an appreciation of the challenges of the physical journey of discovery, whilst encountering the hospitality of the people he meets which alters his identity.
Che highlights that the journey was a discovery of humanity and human experience, where we are able to experience his path to activism, which is showcased by the metaphor “I’ll leave you now with myself, the man I used to be”. The metaphor clarifies how the experiences caused an emotional and psychological impact on him, and allowed him to become more socially conscious which ultimately highlights his transformation following his discovery. It also recognises that the person Che now writes about in the memoir was irrevocably effected by the discoveries that changed his train of thought and guided him to his change in identity.
Confronting discovery similarly acted as a catalyst for Che’s identity to be altered, as he started to realise his role in bringing about social change. His speech at the San Pablo leper colony on his 24th birthday highlights how his identity changes as a result of his discovery through the repetitive use of “we” in “We constitute a single mestizo race”. Through speech, the inclusive “we” also enables the responder to discover that Che’s identity is changing as he begins to mature due to confronting encounters and realises that he is the man of the people.
Che also alludes to communism, demonstrating his understanding of South American poverty that prompts his discovery ad thus, transforms the way he perceives life. The biblical allusion in “all they want is to earn their daily bread” demonstrates how his confronting discovery of a cruel and injustice society has also implanted Che was a sense of purpose. As he is someone who came from a privileged background and is able to help the less fortunate, he is able to change how he thinks as he connects to the rest of humanity through a changed perspective that catalyses a transformation in his identity.
The transformative nature of discovery is also examined in “Journey to the Interior” by Margaret Atwood as the persona undergoes a journey of self-discovery, similar to Che Guevara. Through a metaphorical journey into the mind, Atwood is able to comment on the nature of self-discovery. The title itself suggests how the poem is about an individual on a quest from the exterior into the inner depths of the human psyche to discover more about themselves in an unfamiliar landscape. The metaphor “endless as prairies” also highlight a metaphorical journey into the mind, imagination prompting discovery and having no boundaries as the human mind is bountiful and limitless.
Atwood also uses structured sentences and metaphors to visualise her newly discovered perception of life in her metaphysical journey. By the metaphor “the lack of reliable charts”, she is able to comment on how interior journeys are less concrete and predictable. This mirrors Che’s discovery upon his entrance in Chile, where he states “I was looking in to the future”; both Che and the persona are allowing themselves to open up to self-discovery, ultimately transforming their lives. Atwood also talks of “the distraction of small details: your shoe among the brambles under the chair… a paring knife” and uses 2nd person to comment on how distractions stop individuals on seriously examining their inner self. She also uses the strange imagery of “your shoe among the brambles” to highlight the disorientation one feels when undergoing a psychological enlightenment, emphasising new discoveries remove one from their comfort zone and change their lives.
As we have discovered from Che Guevara’s memoir and Margaret Atwood’s poem, confronting encounters lead individuals on journeys of self-discoveries and transform an individual’s identity. Through the ramifications of discovery, the responder is able to understand how these discoveries alter the way an individual thinks, thus leading the responder on a changing discovery as well. Now, isn’t that convenient?
Welcome to today’s seminar, where we will discuss how discoveries have the ability to change, alter and transform.
Confronting encounters can transform an individual’s identity and lead them on a journey of self-discovery, effectively altering and changing the way they perceive life.
We are able to see this journey of changing identity and self-discovery in The Motorcycle Diaries by Che Guevara and Margaret Atwood’s “Journey to the Interior”.
The Motorcycle Diaries is ultimately a collection of memoirs that highlights pre-revolutionary Che Guevara who undergoes a journey of changing identity as a result of a confronting discovery. We’re meant to effectively recognise that Che’s initial reason of embarking on a journey around Latin America was for adventure and entertainment. Additionally, we are able to recognise that he comes to an appreciation of the challenges of the physical journey of discovery, whilst encountering the hospitality of the people he meets which alters his identity.
Che highlights that the journey was a discovery of humanity and human experience, where we are able to experience his path to activism, which is showcased by the metaphor “I’ll leave you now with myself, the man I used to be”. The metaphor clarifies how the experiences caused an emotional and psychological impact on him, and allowed him to become more socially conscious which ultimately highlights his transformation following his discovery. It also recognises that the person Che now writes about in the memoir was irrevocably effected by the discoveries that changed his train of thought and guided him to his change in identity.
Confronting discovery similarly acted as a catalyst for Che’s identity to be altered, as he started to realise his role in bringing about social change. His speech at the San Pablo leper colony on his 24th birthday highlights how his identity changes as a result of his discovery through the repetitive use of “we” in “We constitute a single mestizo race”. Through speech, the inclusive “we” also enables the responder to discover that Che’s identity is changing as he begins to mature due to confronting encounters and realises that he is the man of the people.
Che also alludes to communism, demonstrating his understanding of South American poverty that prompts his discovery ad thus, transforms the way he perceives life. The biblical allusion in “all they want is to earn their daily bread” demonstrates how his confronting discovery of a cruel and injustice society has also implanted Che was a sense of purpose. As he is someone who came from a privileged background and is able to help the less fortunate, he is able to change how he thinks as he connects to the rest of humanity through a changed perspective that catalyses a transformation in his identity.
The transformative nature of discovery is also examined in “Journey to the Interior” by Margaret Atwood as the persona undergoes a journey of self-discovery, similar to Che Guevara. Through a metaphorical journey into the mind, Atwood is able to comment on the nature of self-discovery. The title itself suggests how the poem is about an individual on a quest from the exterior into the inner depths of the human psyche to discover more about themselves in an unfamiliar landscape. The metaphor “endless as prairies” also highlight a metaphorical journey into the mind, imagination prompting discovery and having no boundaries as the human mind is bountiful and limitless.
Atwood also uses structured sentences and metaphors to visualise her newly discovered perception of life in her metaphysical journey. By the metaphor “the lack of reliable charts”, she is able to comment on how interior journeys are less concrete and predictable. This mirrors Che’s discovery upon his entrance in Chile, where he states “I was looking in to the future”; both Che and the persona are allowing themselves to open up to self-discovery, ultimately transforming their lives. Atwood also talks of “the distraction of small details: your shoe among the brambles under the chair… a paring knife” and uses 2nd person to comment on how distractions stop individuals on seriously examining their inner self. She also uses the strange imagery of “your shoe among the brambles” to highlight the disorientation one feels when undergoing a psychological enlightenment, emphasising new discoveries remove one from their comfort zone and change their lives.
As we have discovered from Che Guevara’s memoir and Margaret Atwood’s poem, confronting encounters lead individuals on journeys of self-discoveries and transform an individual’s identity. Through the ramifications of discovery, the responder is able to understand how these discoveries alter the way an individual thinks, thus leading the responder on a changing discovery as well. Now, isn’t that convenient?
Here is your speech with some of my annotations. I'm writing these annotations on my first reading so you will receive the feedback based on my first impressions, the way a marker would receive it.
Spoiler
Discoveries have the ability to change, alter and transform. Discuss.
Welcome to today’s seminar, where we will discuss how discoveries have the ability to change, alter and transform.
Confronting encounters can transform an individual’s identity and lead them on a journey of self-discovery, effectively altering and changing the way they perceive life. You've brought up some good discovery ideas here. Transformation and self discovery are the two rubric sections I see so far. However, I see you're about to jump into texts. I don't know what your time restraints are, but I'd stop here and flesh out discovery more. In the same way that a discovery essay is CONCEPT based not TEXT based, you're seminar speech should be the same. You should be trying to teach the audience something about discovery and then the texts are merely a back up to it all, giving your argument strength. So if you have the time here, be amusing to the audience and flesh out some discovery ideas before moving on.
We (I like your inclusive first person, considering that this is a speech)are able to see this journey of changing identity and self-discovery in The Motorcycle Diaries by Che Guevara and Margaret Atwood’s “Journey to the Interior”.
The Motorcycle Diaries is ultimately a collection of memoirs that highlights pre-revolutionary Che Guevara who undergoes a journey of changing identity as a result of a confronting discovery. We’re meant to effectively recognise that Che’s (Do they refer to Che Guevara by first name in the text? If not, definitely stick to surname)initial reason of embarking on a journey around Latin America was for adventure and entertainment. Additionally, we are able to recognise that he comes to an appreciation of the challenges of the physical journey of discovery, whilst encountering the hospitality of the people he meets which alters his identity.
Che highlights that the journey was a discovery of humanity and human experience, where we are able to experience his path to activism, which is showcased by the metaphor “I’ll leave you now with myself, the man I used to be”. The metaphor clarifies how the experiences caused an emotional and psychological impact on him, and allowed him to become more socially conscious which ultimately highlights his transformation following his discovery. (That was a nice embedded quote).It also recognises that the person Che now writes about in the memoir was irrevocably effected by the discoveries that changed his train of thought and guided him to his change in identity.
Confronting discovery similarly acted as a catalyst for Che’s identity to be altered, as he started to realise his role in bringing about social change. His speech at the San Pablo leper colony on his 24th birthday highlights how his identity changes as a result of his discovery through the repetitive use of “we” in “We constitute a single mestizo race”. Through speech, the inclusive “we” also enables the responder to discover that Che’s identity is changing as he begins to mature due to confronting encounters and realises that he is the man of the people.
Che also alludes to communism, demonstrating his understanding of South American poverty that prompts his discovery ad(and??) thus, transforms the way he perceives life. The biblical allusion in “all they want is to earn their daily bread” demonstrates how his confronting discovery of a cruel and injustice society has also implanted Che was a sense of purpose. As he is someone who came from a privileged background and is able to help the less fortunate, he is able to change how he thinks as he connects to the rest of humanity through a changed perspective that catalyses a transformation in his identity.
Okay, so because you haven't come to Atwood until now (by the way - love Atwood), I think you should remove her from the beginning where you mention the two texts. Because you mentioned her earlier, I was expecting the texts to be integrated. Instead you should take her out from the beginning and use this little slot in the speech to reconnect with the audience, share some musings. Ask, "so, do you see the confronting nature of discovery and its transformative nature?" then recap what you've said all above in one sentence. Then say something like "still not convinced? Let's have a look at Atwood..." or, "The Diaries aren't the only testament to discoveries being confronting and transformative, Atwood's...." Remember your text type is a seminar speech. It is formal but the speech allows for relapses into colloquialism. So don't be afraid to use that to your advantage. I think it will strengthen your grasp of the text type, make your presentation sound more appealing, but it also highlights discovery far better.)
The transformative nature of discovery is also examined in “Journey to the Interior” by Margaret Atwood as the persona undergoes a journey of self-discovery, similar to Che Guevara. Through a metaphorical journey into the mind, Atwood is able to comment on the nature of self-discovery. The title itself suggests how the poem is about an individual on a quest from the exterior into the inner depths of the human psyche to discover more about themselves in an unfamiliar landscape. The metaphor “endless as prairies” also highlight a metaphorical journey into the mind, imagination prompting discovery and having no boundaries as the human mind is bountiful and limitless. Your grasp on this text appears strong already.
Atwood also uses structured sentences and metaphors to visualise her newly discovered perception of life in her metaphysical journey. By the metaphor “the lack of reliable charts”, she is able to comment on how interior journeys are less concrete and predictable. This mirrors Che’s discovery upon his entrance in Chile, where he states “I was looking in to the future”; both Che and the persona are allowing themselves to open up to self-discovery, ultimately transforming their lives. Atwood also talks of “the distraction of small details: your shoe among the brambles under the chair… a paring knife” and uses 2nd person to comment on how distractions stop individuals on seriously examining their inner self. She also uses the strange imagery of “your shoe among the brambles” to highlight the disorientation one feels when undergoing a psychological enlightenment, emphasising new discoveries remove one from their comfort zone and change their lives.
As we have discovered from Che Guevara’s memoir and Margaret Atwood’s poem, confronting encounters lead individuals on journeys of self-discoveries and transform an individual’s identity. Through the ramifications of discovery, the responder is able to understand how these discoveries alter the way an individual thinks, thus leading the responder on a changing discovery as well. Now, isn’t that convenient? Love this ending!!!!
Welcome to today’s seminar, where we will discuss how discoveries have the ability to change, alter and transform.
Confronting encounters can transform an individual’s identity and lead them on a journey of self-discovery, effectively altering and changing the way they perceive life. You've brought up some good discovery ideas here. Transformation and self discovery are the two rubric sections I see so far. However, I see you're about to jump into texts. I don't know what your time restraints are, but I'd stop here and flesh out discovery more. In the same way that a discovery essay is CONCEPT based not TEXT based, you're seminar speech should be the same. You should be trying to teach the audience something about discovery and then the texts are merely a back up to it all, giving your argument strength. So if you have the time here, be amusing to the audience and flesh out some discovery ideas before moving on.
We (I like your inclusive first person, considering that this is a speech)are able to see this journey of changing identity and self-discovery in The Motorcycle Diaries by Che Guevara and Margaret Atwood’s “Journey to the Interior”.
The Motorcycle Diaries is ultimately a collection of memoirs that highlights pre-revolutionary Che Guevara who undergoes a journey of changing identity as a result of a confronting discovery. We’re meant to effectively recognise that Che’s (Do they refer to Che Guevara by first name in the text? If not, definitely stick to surname)initial reason of embarking on a journey around Latin America was for adventure and entertainment. Additionally, we are able to recognise that he comes to an appreciation of the challenges of the physical journey of discovery, whilst encountering the hospitality of the people he meets which alters his identity.
Che highlights that the journey was a discovery of humanity and human experience, where we are able to experience his path to activism, which is showcased by the metaphor “I’ll leave you now with myself, the man I used to be”. The metaphor clarifies how the experiences caused an emotional and psychological impact on him, and allowed him to become more socially conscious which ultimately highlights his transformation following his discovery. (That was a nice embedded quote).It also recognises that the person Che now writes about in the memoir was irrevocably effected by the discoveries that changed his train of thought and guided him to his change in identity.
Confronting discovery similarly acted as a catalyst for Che’s identity to be altered, as he started to realise his role in bringing about social change. His speech at the San Pablo leper colony on his 24th birthday highlights how his identity changes as a result of his discovery through the repetitive use of “we” in “We constitute a single mestizo race”. Through speech, the inclusive “we” also enables the responder to discover that Che’s identity is changing as he begins to mature due to confronting encounters and realises that he is the man of the people.
Che also alludes to communism, demonstrating his understanding of South American poverty that prompts his discovery ad(and??) thus, transforms the way he perceives life. The biblical allusion in “all they want is to earn their daily bread” demonstrates how his confronting discovery of a cruel and injustice society has also implanted Che was a sense of purpose. As he is someone who came from a privileged background and is able to help the less fortunate, he is able to change how he thinks as he connects to the rest of humanity through a changed perspective that catalyses a transformation in his identity.
Okay, so because you haven't come to Atwood until now (by the way - love Atwood), I think you should remove her from the beginning where you mention the two texts. Because you mentioned her earlier, I was expecting the texts to be integrated. Instead you should take her out from the beginning and use this little slot in the speech to reconnect with the audience, share some musings. Ask, "so, do you see the confronting nature of discovery and its transformative nature?" then recap what you've said all above in one sentence. Then say something like "still not convinced? Let's have a look at Atwood..." or, "The Diaries aren't the only testament to discoveries being confronting and transformative, Atwood's...." Remember your text type is a seminar speech. It is formal but the speech allows for relapses into colloquialism. So don't be afraid to use that to your advantage. I think it will strengthen your grasp of the text type, make your presentation sound more appealing, but it also highlights discovery far better.)
The transformative nature of discovery is also examined in “Journey to the Interior” by Margaret Atwood as the persona undergoes a journey of self-discovery, similar to Che Guevara. Through a metaphorical journey into the mind, Atwood is able to comment on the nature of self-discovery. The title itself suggests how the poem is about an individual on a quest from the exterior into the inner depths of the human psyche to discover more about themselves in an unfamiliar landscape. The metaphor “endless as prairies” also highlight a metaphorical journey into the mind, imagination prompting discovery and having no boundaries as the human mind is bountiful and limitless. Your grasp on this text appears strong already.
Atwood also uses structured sentences and metaphors to visualise her newly discovered perception of life in her metaphysical journey. By the metaphor “the lack of reliable charts”, she is able to comment on how interior journeys are less concrete and predictable. This mirrors Che’s discovery upon his entrance in Chile, where he states “I was looking in to the future”; both Che and the persona are allowing themselves to open up to self-discovery, ultimately transforming their lives. Atwood also talks of “the distraction of small details: your shoe among the brambles under the chair… a paring knife” and uses 2nd person to comment on how distractions stop individuals on seriously examining their inner self. She also uses the strange imagery of “your shoe among the brambles” to highlight the disorientation one feels when undergoing a psychological enlightenment, emphasising new discoveries remove one from their comfort zone and change their lives.
As we have discovered from Che Guevara’s memoir and Margaret Atwood’s poem, confronting encounters lead individuals on journeys of self-discoveries and transform an individual’s identity. Through the ramifications of discovery, the responder is able to understand how these discoveries alter the way an individual thinks, thus leading the responder on a changing discovery as well. Now, isn’t that convenient? Love this ending!!!!
End Notes:
That was awesome! I truly loved this speech. Your textual grasp seems quite strong and I don't really have any pointers around that. However, you can play with your structure a little more to enhance the presentation value of the speech but also to enhance the way you flesh out discovery, thus giving it greater prevalence that the texts.
I'm truly impressed, you should be very happy!
Feel free to post back if you make any changes and want opinions or anything like that :)
Post by: NKD on February 23, 2016, 03:09:11 pm
I would like to know if there is anything that does not fit in or that I might be able to take out. I don't mind a bit of criticism :) and want to know what I am doing right and more importantly what I can improve upon. If you could also estimate what kind of mark this essay might get that would be great as well. Thank you for providing this service. I hope to hear from you shortly. Thanks!
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 23, 2016, 05:29:00 pm
Hi there :) this is my AOS Discovery essay in the attached document. The question or rather statement is "The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks" discuss this view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and one related text.
I would like to know if there is anything that does not fit in or that I might be able to take out. I don't mind a bit of criticism :) and want to know what I am doing right and more importantly what I can improve upon. If you could also estimate what kind of mark this essay might get that would be great as well. Thank you for providing this service. I hope to hear from you shortly. Thanks!
Hey! Welcome to ATAR Notes - glad to see you've posted. I'm guessing that your mark is out of 15 and isn't altered for the half yearlies? I've heard of some schools altering criteria for half yearlies because they expect a different standard of work to what is expected in the HSC. I'm not sure if this applies to you. Nonetheless, I'll give you a round-about number (even though I don't have the criteria around) that sounds fitting to your work!
Here is your essay, unedited:
Spoiler
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular an individual may change their way of thinking enabling them to discover new perceptions of the world. This is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) as well as William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition the texts display power as an established way of thinking that can hinder an individual's ability to discover, as well as how freedom can have either positive or negative aspects on discovery.
Discovery can either limit or enhance an individual's established perceptions on the fine line dividing men and monsters. In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. The Elizabethan court and society represents law and order whereas the island represents a more primitive state of being. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to discover new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy interchangeable divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys including Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon towards the end of the novel, signifying their complete regression ironically becoming the beast they were hunting to begin with.
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. The tempest itself is a symbol of Prospero's magical abuse of power and his desire to control others. Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest in the opening scene of the play, when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. In particular Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After seeing what his abuse of magic and power has done to those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power and magic, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. Prospero is no longer blinded by power, enabling him to embrace new outlooks. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition to display how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocratic government in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democratic government. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, embracing renewed outlooks on the proper balance of power that exists in society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it impacts an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking. In the Tempest. When Prospero frees himself from power he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed and positive outlooks on life. Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. However, in contrast, unlike the Tempest, in Lord of the Flies freedom does not lead to positive outlooks because on the island all the boys are powerful with no parents or laws restricting their behaviour. Most notable is Roger's transformation who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however he progressively tests the bounds of his new-found freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no punishment or consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper government, laws and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos.
Together, the texts provide insight as to how discovery must involve an individual's eagerness to embrace new perceptions of the world. Both Shakespeare and Golding explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish between men and monsters and can therefore hinder an individual's opportunity to discover. In addition, the texts display how power can corrupt an individual's moral compass and restrict them from embracing new ways of thinking, yet it can also foster redemption and discovery. The Tempest and Lord of the Flies demonstrate how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Discovery can either limit or enhance an individual's established perceptions on the fine line dividing men and monsters. In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. The Elizabethan court and society represents law and order whereas the island represents a more primitive state of being. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to discover new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy interchangeable divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys including Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon towards the end of the novel, signifying their complete regression ironically becoming the beast they were hunting to begin with.
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. The tempest itself is a symbol of Prospero's magical abuse of power and his desire to control others. Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest in the opening scene of the play, when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. In particular Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After seeing what his abuse of magic and power has done to those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power and magic, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. Prospero is no longer blinded by power, enabling him to embrace new outlooks. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition to display how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocratic government in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democratic government. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, embracing renewed outlooks on the proper balance of power that exists in society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it impacts an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking. In the Tempest. When Prospero frees himself from power he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed and positive outlooks on life. Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. However, in contrast, unlike the Tempest, in Lord of the Flies freedom does not lead to positive outlooks because on the island all the boys are powerful with no parents or laws restricting their behaviour. Most notable is Roger's transformation who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however he progressively tests the bounds of his new-found freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no punishment or consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper government, laws and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos.
Together, the texts provide insight as to how discovery must involve an individual's eagerness to embrace new perceptions of the world. Both Shakespeare and Golding explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish between men and monsters and can therefore hinder an individual's opportunity to discover. In addition, the texts display how power can corrupt an individual's moral compass and restrict them from embracing new ways of thinking, yet it can also foster redemption and discovery. The Tempest and Lord of the Flies demonstrate how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Here is your essay, with my own annotations upon first reading:
Spoiler
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. Already, this thesis is very original and fresh! In particular an individual may change their way of thinking enabling them to discover new perceptions of the world.(There is just a little problem with the flow here, and I'm being picky. I'm not seeing the link between the first sentence and the second and clearly as you and I would like. Is the changing of the way of thinking the loss? I'm also left wondering, does a discovery lead to changing of thinking which then enables even further discoveries? That is what makes the most sense to me - it is just the start bit of this sentence that interrupts the flow, makes me question things? :) ) This is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) as well as William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). (This sentence doesn't do anything but say that two texts have a discovery. Can you flesh these out more, give each text their own sentence perhaps? Relate them both to specialised types of discoveries that are yet to be mentioned? Eg, physical, intellectual, spiritual, emotional...)Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. (This sentence to me is fairly removed from discovery - perhaps it will make more sense to me as I read on, but right now I'm left a little confused.) In addition the texts display power as an established way of thinking (I don't know that power is a way of thinking. I think that glorifying power is a way of thinking, stopping at nothing in the pursuit of power is a way of thinking...thinking that power is the ultimate medal is a way of thinking...) that can hinder an individual's ability to discover, as well as how freedom can have either positive or negative aspects on discovery.
Discovery can either limit or enhance an individual's established perceptions on the fine line dividing men and monsters.(I see that we have come back to the men and monsters. Noted. I see where it is going a little more now, this sentence makes more sentence than the first.) In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. The Elizabethan court and society represents law and order whereas the island represents a more primitive state of being. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity.(we've just gone four sentences without mentioning discovery. The following sentence that does mention discovery doesn't have a direct link to the sentences about the island and the Elizabethan court - perhaps this is a weaker argument and should be removed? I mean, I like your textual analysis, it is very interesting. But, I don't see it has a place in this discovery essay.) This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to discover new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy interchangeable divide between monsters and men. (Yasss! I love a good integrated essay!)In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. (I've been thinking it this whole time but I haven't said it yet - your language is very, very good.)Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys including Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon towards the end of the novel, signifying their complete regression ironically becoming the beast they were hunting to begin with. At the end of this paragraph, I'm left wishing you had ended with a non-text based sentence that summed up your thesis. I'm also left wondering where the original thesis comes into this paragraph? I see the monsters and men, but the loss/gain idea that opens your essay is not as clear here. In order for your essay to have integrity, this needs to flow through. Everything needs to link back to discovery.)
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. The tempest itself is a symbol of Prospero's magical abuse of power and his desire to control others. Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest in the opening scene of the play, when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. In particular Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After seeing what his abuse of magic and power has done to those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power and magic, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. Prospero is no longer blinded by power, enabling him to embrace new outlooks. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition to display how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocratic government in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democratic government. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, embracing renewed outlooks on the proper balance of power that exists in society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it impacts an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
(Your writing is lovely, truly. However, you have just written a paragraph about power in the middle of a discovery essay. I see hints of discovery in there from the rubric but you are not actually saying the word discovery. In creative writing, it is suggested that you don't actually say discovery. However, in an essay, you've got to. The alarm bells started ringing as soon as I realised discovery was not in your first or second sentence in the paragraph and that's when I scrolled down to see if it was there at all. I think a marker would be confused to read this. There is no discovery mention nor a mention of your thesis. Don't forget, always bring everything back to discovery. You can do this by saying that one may discover that power isn't all it is cracked up to be, or that with true power you can discover what you couldn't before, etc. If you really want to talk about power, the option is kind of there. But you can't write a paragraph about power. You can only write a paragraph about discovery, that is supported by texts, and may or may not use the theme of power as being an obstructing or catalyst for discovery.
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking. Bring it back to discovery. "Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives."In the Tempest. When Prospero frees himself from power he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed and positive outlooks on life. Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. However, in contrast, unlike the Tempest, in Lord of the Flies freedom does not lead to positive outlooks because on the island all the boys are powerful with no parents or laws restricting their behaviour. Most notable is Roger's transformation who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however he progressively tests the bounds of his new-found freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no punishment or consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper government, laws and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos.
(Same as the last paragraph, we have little discovery in here.)
Together, the texts provide insight as to how discovery must involve an individual's eagerness to embrace new perceptions of the world. Both Shakespeare and Golding explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish between men and monsters and can therefore hinder an individual's opportunity to discover. In addition, the texts display how power can corrupt an individual's moral compass and restrict them from embracing new ways of thinking, yet it can also foster redemption and discovery. The Tempest and Lord of the Flies demonstrate how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Discovery can either limit or enhance an individual's established perceptions on the fine line dividing men and monsters.(I see that we have come back to the men and monsters. Noted. I see where it is going a little more now, this sentence makes more sentence than the first.) In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. The Elizabethan court and society represents law and order whereas the island represents a more primitive state of being. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity.(we've just gone four sentences without mentioning discovery. The following sentence that does mention discovery doesn't have a direct link to the sentences about the island and the Elizabethan court - perhaps this is a weaker argument and should be removed? I mean, I like your textual analysis, it is very interesting. But, I don't see it has a place in this discovery essay.) This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to discover new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy interchangeable divide between monsters and men. (Yasss! I love a good integrated essay!)In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. (I've been thinking it this whole time but I haven't said it yet - your language is very, very good.)Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys including Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon towards the end of the novel, signifying their complete regression ironically becoming the beast they were hunting to begin with. At the end of this paragraph, I'm left wishing you had ended with a non-text based sentence that summed up your thesis. I'm also left wondering where the original thesis comes into this paragraph? I see the monsters and men, but the loss/gain idea that opens your essay is not as clear here. In order for your essay to have integrity, this needs to flow through. Everything needs to link back to discovery.)
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. The tempest itself is a symbol of Prospero's magical abuse of power and his desire to control others. Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest in the opening scene of the play, when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. In particular Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After seeing what his abuse of magic and power has done to those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power and magic, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. Prospero is no longer blinded by power, enabling him to embrace new outlooks. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition to display how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocratic government in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democratic government. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, embracing renewed outlooks on the proper balance of power that exists in society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it impacts an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
(Your writing is lovely, truly. However, you have just written a paragraph about power in the middle of a discovery essay. I see hints of discovery in there from the rubric but you are not actually saying the word discovery. In creative writing, it is suggested that you don't actually say discovery. However, in an essay, you've got to. The alarm bells started ringing as soon as I realised discovery was not in your first or second sentence in the paragraph and that's when I scrolled down to see if it was there at all. I think a marker would be confused to read this. There is no discovery mention nor a mention of your thesis. Don't forget, always bring everything back to discovery. You can do this by saying that one may discover that power isn't all it is cracked up to be, or that with true power you can discover what you couldn't before, etc. If you really want to talk about power, the option is kind of there. But you can't write a paragraph about power. You can only write a paragraph about discovery, that is supported by texts, and may or may not use the theme of power as being an obstructing or catalyst for discovery.
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking. Bring it back to discovery. "Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives."In the Tempest. When Prospero frees himself from power he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed and positive outlooks on life. Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. However, in contrast, unlike the Tempest, in Lord of the Flies freedom does not lead to positive outlooks because on the island all the boys are powerful with no parents or laws restricting their behaviour. Most notable is Roger's transformation who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however he progressively tests the bounds of his new-found freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no punishment or consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper government, laws and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos.
(Same as the last paragraph, we have little discovery in here.)
Together, the texts provide insight as to how discovery must involve an individual's eagerness to embrace new perceptions of the world. Both Shakespeare and Golding explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish between men and monsters and can therefore hinder an individual's opportunity to discover. In addition, the texts display how power can corrupt an individual's moral compass and restrict them from embracing new ways of thinking, yet it can also foster redemption and discovery. The Tempest and Lord of the Flies demonstrate how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for an individual’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
End Notes:
What you are doing well:
-Your language is pretty spot on in that it isn't too showy or shy.
-Your language conveys a sophisticated tone.
-Your textual analysis is not weak.
What can be improved:
-There definitely needs to be more discovery here. A marker would severely penalise you for only dealing explicitly with discovery in one out of three body paragraphs.
-Your thesis statements beginning each paragraph need to be little branches off a big tree. So, your initial thesis should be even more universal that what it is right now. Perhaps bring it way out more, say that discovery is a shared human experience, say that discovery is universal, integral, something like that. Then use your first sentence. Then you need to have three smaller ideas that branch off this. If you want to talk about loss/gain, then have a paragraph discussing the importance of a persona being willing to let go as the first step to discovery, then a paragraph discussing the obstructions from achieving this (power, perhaps?) and then a paragraph talking about how discovery is transformative of opinions (the ultimate gain).
If I had to give you a mark, it might be sitting on about 8/15 right now. If this was a thematic essay with no constraints to discovery, it would be far higher. But because you haven't adequately dealt with the key term it is a little difficult to bump above the mid range. Please don't be disheartened. When you go to edit through this essay it will look like a really big annoying impossible task. But when you break through, you'll realise that your new essay will also be far more adaptable to a variety of stimuli. Feel free to post back any time, or ask any questions about specific things. Like I said, your language is pretty well spot on. It is just a structural thing that is linked to AOS essays only! Hopefully this helps you out a bit. Don't shy away from asking any questions! Happy writing :)
Post by: jkkke on February 27, 2016, 09:54:10 pm
Post by: mowereda on February 28, 2016, 10:33:18 am
Howard aims to give in site and a deeper understanding on the severity of mental illness and the experience of being a genius. This is done through Ron Howard’s creative cinematic techniques. He portrays the themes of mental illness genus and relationships
Howards aim to portray the serious impacts of schizophrenia by giving the viewer a firsthand perspective of mental illness.
This is shown during the scene which john has been captured by Dr Rosen.
John has demanded Charles to reply but he doesn’t. In this scene Howard utilizes jump shots to show both Dr Rosen and john nashis perspective.
Ron Howard tries to exhibit that even if you are mentally ill that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a genius and that you can’t strive for your goals.
This is shown in the scene when john Nash is staring at the pen when the professor hands it to someone in the restaurant.
John is steering through the window watching the professor giving the pen to a former person and he wishes he was in the other guys poison
Ron Howard focuses a lot on relationships and there importance throughout the movie a beautiful mind through John and Alicia’s relationship
This is shown in many different scenes how John Nash when he is down looks at the handkerchief that she gave him and also is shown how Alicia uses conforting hand gestures on Johns body
John was upset then he takes out the handkerchief and all he remembers is that he has someone that loves him (Alicia) also when Nash was going to kill Alicia se showd him
In conclusion, Ron Howard has creatively portrayed the life of John Nash. He has caused the ambulance to question their judgements on people with a mental illness by showing that you can still pesterer and be successful despite being mentally ill.
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 29, 2016, 10:47:26 am
Hey this is my essay for aos just wondering if my thesis is strong enough and the layout is good? Thankyou :)
Here is your essay:
Spoiler
Discoveries require an inner power of courage and resilience to overcome adversity that may arise. Discoveries can offer renewed perception of ourselves and others that surround us. In the play ‘Away’ by Micheal Gow and the movie ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ by Jonathan Dayton, the characters discover their inner facades and materialistic views and learn about themselves, which gives them a new perception of life.
In the play “Away’, Gwen discovers that her way of thinking can be changed to value her family rather than an artificial perception of beauty. At the start of the film Gwen values materialistic possessions and stresses the smaller things in life which is demonstrated in the line ‘I hope no one expects to take any of my good towels to the beach. Throughout the play, Gwen reveal the reasons for her attitudes during an argument with her daughter Meg with emotive language ‘Sacrificed! Gone without. Gone through hardships so what happened to us will never happen to you. So you’ll never see what we saw- never, never, never’, this demonstrates Gwen’s experience throughout the depression which has carried her and led her to place money so highly she has become close minded which is damaging her relationships. After losing her possessions in the storm, it allows Gwen to reassess her priorities in life ‘No. Let’s walk. Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm.’ The water is symbolic of Gwen’s change and she is now ready to cleanse herself and discover happiness and love. Throughout the play, Gwen discovers her materialistic views lead to her relationships being damaged and once discarding her artificial values she was able to build stronger relationships in her life seen in her heartfelt apology ‘I’m sorry…’ She therefore discovered a renewed perception of herself after going through adversity.
In the film “Little Miss Sunshine’ Richard resembles Gwen as he discards his materialistic and artificial views and builds a stronger relationship with his family. In the opening scene of the film when Richard is delivering a speech the low angled close up shot of his passionate face saying ‘There are two types of people in this world. Winners and losers’ conveys he is a stereotypical motivational speaker and puts on an enthusiastic fascade. When the family are eating ice cream Richard educates his daughter about the fat content in ice-cream with a close up shot ‘Olive, if you eat a lot of ice cream you might become fat’ this displays Richards’s commercial ideas as he is highly concerned about image .Throughout the movie Richard continues with his materialistic views as he but after his father’s death he says ‘Are we winners or losers’ his tone revealing that he is starting to lose faith in his philosophy and no longer says it with conviction much like Gwen who loses conviction in her discriminatory comments. When Richard reconnects with his family he loses his false sense of beauty and the family all enjoy their unique attributes which is demonstrated as they all dance on stage to the background song ‘I’m a super freak. In the end Richard discovers the unimportance of outward appearances and begins to value inner beauty and perceives himself and the people around him in a completely different way.
In ‘Away’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ the characters Coral and Dwayne both experience depression and do not fit in to the social norms of society. Coral is grief stricken from the death of her son in Vietnam which is revealed in her soliloquy ‘All these children playing and me sitting in the dark wiping away tears’, her inability to heal has created a rift between her and her husband. Coral tries to put on a facade that she is well and when speaking to Rick uses the repetition ‘I’m much better, much better’ this conveys that Coral is trying to conform to social expectations and convince herself and her husband that she is healing. During the play she meets Rick and Tom who help to rediscover her identity. Tom helps her to move on when they perform a play together that reflects understanding that she can no longer be with her so and must move. The figurative language ‘I’m walking!’,I’,m walking!’ Coral begins healing and reconciliation of her new self. Coral goes from being a grief stricken depressed Mum to rediscovering a new perception of herself and not worry about conforming to society’s needs. She now has different perception to the people surrounding her and they have different opinions on her, she also found a relationship with Rick who helps her communicate with others better and strengthens her relationship with relationship with Roy, who have now renewed their perceptions of each other and have a future together.
Dwayne in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ also is depressed and disengages himself with society. He ‘hates everyone which is conveyed in a close up shot of him purposely writing ‘I hate everyone’ and then angrily underlining ‘everyone’. The family embark on a road trip and were forced to communicate and work together to get Olive to her beauty contest. Olive tests Dwayne for a colour-blind test and reveals he is then Frank says ‘You can’t fly jets if you’re colour-blind’ this destroys everything Dwayne has been working towards and was his only way to escape his dysfunctional family but as his family rediscovers their bond, he begins to accept the outcome. Dwayne and Frank discuss the struggles and depressions of life and a mid-shot of Dwayne yelling with conviction ‘Life is just one beauty contest after another. If I want to fly, I’ll fly’ which demonstrates Dwayne’s value to his family and their uniqueness discovers his drive to succeed despite the obstacles. Dwayne begins as an alienated depressed boy and discovers that regardless of obstacles and social norms he will find a way and will not give up. He also now values others around him and is now dancing with the family he initially hated, discovering a love for them.
All the characters in these texts went through a discovery and found renewed perception of themselves which took inner courage. Gwen and Richard realise more important concepts of life and not worrying about a false sense of beauty and Dwayne and Coral overcome depression and social norms to enjoy life and not care about social expectations, all characters came out with a new perception of life and perceived others around them in new ways. This has changed the way I now view the world as it conveys that if a person has the courage to overcome an adversity that happens in life it can lead to new perceptions of the world and offer a rediscovery of yourself.
In the play “Away’, Gwen discovers that her way of thinking can be changed to value her family rather than an artificial perception of beauty. At the start of the film Gwen values materialistic possessions and stresses the smaller things in life which is demonstrated in the line ‘I hope no one expects to take any of my good towels to the beach. Throughout the play, Gwen reveal the reasons for her attitudes during an argument with her daughter Meg with emotive language ‘Sacrificed! Gone without. Gone through hardships so what happened to us will never happen to you. So you’ll never see what we saw- never, never, never’, this demonstrates Gwen’s experience throughout the depression which has carried her and led her to place money so highly she has become close minded which is damaging her relationships. After losing her possessions in the storm, it allows Gwen to reassess her priorities in life ‘No. Let’s walk. Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm.’ The water is symbolic of Gwen’s change and she is now ready to cleanse herself and discover happiness and love. Throughout the play, Gwen discovers her materialistic views lead to her relationships being damaged and once discarding her artificial values she was able to build stronger relationships in her life seen in her heartfelt apology ‘I’m sorry…’ She therefore discovered a renewed perception of herself after going through adversity.
In the film “Little Miss Sunshine’ Richard resembles Gwen as he discards his materialistic and artificial views and builds a stronger relationship with his family. In the opening scene of the film when Richard is delivering a speech the low angled close up shot of his passionate face saying ‘There are two types of people in this world. Winners and losers’ conveys he is a stereotypical motivational speaker and puts on an enthusiastic fascade. When the family are eating ice cream Richard educates his daughter about the fat content in ice-cream with a close up shot ‘Olive, if you eat a lot of ice cream you might become fat’ this displays Richards’s commercial ideas as he is highly concerned about image .Throughout the movie Richard continues with his materialistic views as he but after his father’s death he says ‘Are we winners or losers’ his tone revealing that he is starting to lose faith in his philosophy and no longer says it with conviction much like Gwen who loses conviction in her discriminatory comments. When Richard reconnects with his family he loses his false sense of beauty and the family all enjoy their unique attributes which is demonstrated as they all dance on stage to the background song ‘I’m a super freak. In the end Richard discovers the unimportance of outward appearances and begins to value inner beauty and perceives himself and the people around him in a completely different way.
In ‘Away’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ the characters Coral and Dwayne both experience depression and do not fit in to the social norms of society. Coral is grief stricken from the death of her son in Vietnam which is revealed in her soliloquy ‘All these children playing and me sitting in the dark wiping away tears’, her inability to heal has created a rift between her and her husband. Coral tries to put on a facade that she is well and when speaking to Rick uses the repetition ‘I’m much better, much better’ this conveys that Coral is trying to conform to social expectations and convince herself and her husband that she is healing. During the play she meets Rick and Tom who help to rediscover her identity. Tom helps her to move on when they perform a play together that reflects understanding that she can no longer be with her so and must move. The figurative language ‘I’m walking!’,I’,m walking!’ Coral begins healing and reconciliation of her new self. Coral goes from being a grief stricken depressed Mum to rediscovering a new perception of herself and not worry about conforming to society’s needs. She now has different perception to the people surrounding her and they have different opinions on her, she also found a relationship with Rick who helps her communicate with others better and strengthens her relationship with relationship with Roy, who have now renewed their perceptions of each other and have a future together.
Dwayne in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ also is depressed and disengages himself with society. He ‘hates everyone which is conveyed in a close up shot of him purposely writing ‘I hate everyone’ and then angrily underlining ‘everyone’. The family embark on a road trip and were forced to communicate and work together to get Olive to her beauty contest. Olive tests Dwayne for a colour-blind test and reveals he is then Frank says ‘You can’t fly jets if you’re colour-blind’ this destroys everything Dwayne has been working towards and was his only way to escape his dysfunctional family but as his family rediscovers their bond, he begins to accept the outcome. Dwayne and Frank discuss the struggles and depressions of life and a mid-shot of Dwayne yelling with conviction ‘Life is just one beauty contest after another. If I want to fly, I’ll fly’ which demonstrates Dwayne’s value to his family and their uniqueness discovers his drive to succeed despite the obstacles. Dwayne begins as an alienated depressed boy and discovers that regardless of obstacles and social norms he will find a way and will not give up. He also now values others around him and is now dancing with the family he initially hated, discovering a love for them.
All the characters in these texts went through a discovery and found renewed perception of themselves which took inner courage. Gwen and Richard realise more important concepts of life and not worrying about a false sense of beauty and Dwayne and Coral overcome depression and social norms to enjoy life and not care about social expectations, all characters came out with a new perception of life and perceived others around them in new ways. This has changed the way I now view the world as it conveys that if a person has the courage to overcome an adversity that happens in life it can lead to new perceptions of the world and offer a rediscovery of yourself.
Now here is your thesis:
Discoveries require an inner power of courage and resilience to overcome adversity that may arise. Discoveries can offer renewed perception of ourselves and others that surround us.
So, I really like that you have two sentences to start your essay that aren't text based. That's showing that you know this essay is about discovery and not about texts. However, I just want to change up your modality a little. Because you are talking conceptually, you will to lower the modality. Rather than saying "Discoveries require an inner power..." try, "Discoveries often require an inner..."
The next thing about this is your noun placement. So the subject noun her is "discoveries." This means, you are saying that discoveries require inner power. I don't think this is what you mean to say because this means that you are personifying discovery. I think you are more likely to say "Individuals may need to possess an inner power of power and resilience to overcome adversity in a way that leads to discoveries." This shifts the focus onto the individual's process, which suits your paragraphs better.
Your second sentence is taken almost directly from the rubric. This doesn't show originality to the marker so I suggest you change that up. You've said, "Discoveries can offer renewed perception of ourselves and others that surround us." I suggest that if you want to keep this notion, you lead on from the first sentence saying, "These discoveries have the ability to transform individual's perception of themselves and their surroundings."
As for the structure:
I suggest that you start each paragraph non-text related. You want to enhance your understanding of discovery in every paragraph instead of showing that you know your texts really well. You want to show that you know discovery really well. So start the paragraphs with variations of your thesis or weave the essay's question in here.
Remember that every time you mention a quote, you want to be able to link it to a technique and the effect it has on revealing discovery. Also, avoiding "this" and "this quote" improves the way your writing reads. Embedded quotes are wonderful for making a seamless sentence.
It is really good that you've made connections between the texts in here!
For your conclusion: start the paragraph with a discovery-based sentence, not text based. Then use your first sentence as your second sentence. Be sure to quote the names of the texts again and not just say "these texts." Feel free to say "these texts" after you have established the texts within the paragraph.
You are sitting at a really good length for your essay so that's awesome! Keep up the great work. Once you tweak the structure of the paragraphs and the thesis statements, your writing will improve twofold. These are the small little things that make the writing pop! Don't be afraid to post back, hopefully this helps! :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 29, 2016, 10:57:50 am
Howard aims to give in site and a deeper understanding on the severity of mental illness and the experience of being a genius. This is done through Ron Howard’s creative cinematic techniques. He portrays the themes of mental illness genus and relationships
Howards aim to portray the serious impacts of schizophrenia by giving the viewer a firsthand perspective of mental illness.
This is shown during the scene which john has been captured by Dr Rosen.
John has demanded Charles to reply but he doesn’t. In this scene Howard utilizes jump shots to show both Dr Rosen and john nashis perspective.
Ron Howard tries to exhibit that even if you are mentally ill that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a genius and that you can’t strive for your goals.
This is shown in the scene when john Nash is staring at the pen when the professor hands it to someone in the restaurant.
John is steering through the window watching the professor giving the pen to a former person and he wishes he was in the other guys poison
Ron Howard focuses a lot on relationships and there importance throughout the movie a beautiful mind through John and Alicia’s relationship
This is shown in many different scenes how John Nash when he is down looks at the handkerchief that she gave him and also is shown how Alicia uses conforting hand gestures on Johns body
John was upset then he takes out the handkerchief and all he remembers is that he has someone that loves him (Alicia) also when Nash was going to kill Alicia se showd him
In conclusion, Ron Howard has creatively portrayed the life of John Nash. He has caused the ambulance to question their judgements on people with a mental illness by showing that you can still pesterer and be successful despite being mentally ill.
Hey there!
Do you need an ORT for your essay? Is this an assignment where you only have to mention one text? Just curious!
I'm going to suggest a scaffold to you and you might be able to flesh out some ideas better like this. I'll write it as though you are only doing one text :)
Introduction:
-Overarching sentence about discovery.
-Smaller sentence about discovery that addresses the essay's question.
-Introduction of the text
-Idea about discovery in the text.
-Fuse your two first sentences together.
Paragraph One
-Sentence about discovery, not relating to text.
-Bring in the text and use your textual evidence here.
-Quote, technique, effect.
-Quote, technique, effect.
-Summarising sentence about discovery or discovery in the text.
Paragraph Two (You haven't got this in your essay yet. So you'll need to go back to your text to flesh this part out by finding some more quotes and views on discovery! :))
-Sentence about discovery, not relating to text.
-Bring in the text and use your textual evidence here.
-Quote, technique, effect.
-Quote, technique, effect.
-Summarising sentence about discovery or discovery in the text.
Conclusion:
-Sentence about discovery that relates to your essay question but also your thesis.
-Discovery in your text.
-Summarising discovery.
If you try this scaffold, the length of your essay will extend but it will also have more structure to it. If you have an Other Related Text, just slip that in with the same body-paragraph structure :)
Post by: NKD on March 01, 2016, 10:01:19 pm
I have made changes since the last draft I submitted and would like to know if my topic sentences and my links back to the question at the end of paragraphs are referring to the question and discovery enough, or if I need to change any of them. Also do I have enough quotes and technical analysis for each paragraph? I know I cannot write out the whole essay in 40 minutes during an exam the word length is too long and would like to know if, when it comes to cutting down the essay would it be alright to lose a few quotes and technical analysis so I am able to write it in 40 minutes or is that too important to cut out. Thanks again for taking the time to give such awesome feedback. :)
Post by: lowrifunnell on March 03, 2016, 08:14:01 pm
thank you so much!!!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 04, 2016, 10:53:07 am
Hi Elyse thank you for marking my essay, your tips were really helpful :) this is my second draft on the AOS Discovery essay in the attached document. The question is "The process of discovery involves a willingness to abandon established ways of thinking in order to embrace new outlooks" discuss this view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and one related text.
I have made changes since the last draft I submitted and would like to know if my topic sentences and my links back to the question at the end of paragraphs are referring to the question and discovery enough, or if I need to change any of them. Also do I have enough quotes and technical analysis for each paragraph? I know I cannot write out the whole essay in 40 minutes during an exam the word length is too long and would like to know if, when it comes to cutting down the essay would it be alright to lose a few quotes and technical analysis so I am able to write it in 40 minutes or is that too important to cut out. Thanks again for taking the time to give such awesome feedback. :)
Hey! I'm glad you found the feedback helpful, that's important to me!
Here is your new and improved essay, without any markings from me:
Spoiler
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular, an individual may relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world. This is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) and William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition, the texts display power as an obstacle hindering an individual’s potential to discover new outlooks, whilst also exploring how discovering freedom can engender varied new perspectives.
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. In the opening scene of the play Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After discovering the damaging ramifications of his magic suffered by those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. No longer blinded by power, Prospero gains a new appreciation of humanity. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition, displaying how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocracy in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democracy. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically also ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when the boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, restoring the correct balance of power within society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it can impede upon an individual’s ability to discover new outlooks.
Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition. In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to gain new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys, including the seemingly humane characters Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon, signifying their complete regression and loss of humanity, ironically becoming the beast they were hunting. Hence both texts explore the transformative role of discovery, enhancing or degrading an individual’s humanity.
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives. In the Tempest when Prospero frees himself from power, he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as a wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction “clouds methought”, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed moral values. Here, Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. In contrast, unlike the Tempest, the discovery of freedom in Lord of the Flies does not lead to positive outlooks. Most notable is Roger's transformation, who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however with no laws or parents restricting his behaviour he progressively tests the bounds of his newfound freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that the discovery of unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper law and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos. Both texts therefore suggest that freedom can catalyse a spectrum of new perceptions, both positive and negative.
Together, the Tempest and Lord of the Flies provide insight as to how discovery involves an exchange between the loss of old perceptions and the gaining of new outlooks. Both Shakespeare and Golding suggest that power can corrupt an individual’s potential to discover, yet when relinquished it engenders new outlooks. The texts also explore how discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, and how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for one’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. In the opening scene of the play Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies. Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After discovering the damaging ramifications of his magic suffered by those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. No longer blinded by power, Prospero gains a new appreciation of humanity. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition, displaying how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocracy in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democracy. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically also ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when the boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, restoring the correct balance of power within society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it can impede upon an individual’s ability to discover new outlooks.
Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition. In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to gain new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys, including the seemingly humane characters Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon, signifying their complete regression and loss of humanity, ironically becoming the beast they were hunting. Hence both texts explore the transformative role of discovery, enhancing or degrading an individual’s humanity.
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives. In the Tempest when Prospero frees himself from power, he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as a wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction “clouds methought”, suggesting that freedom can lead to renewed moral values. Here, Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. In contrast, unlike the Tempest, the discovery of freedom in Lord of the Flies does not lead to positive outlooks. Most notable is Roger's transformation, who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however with no laws or parents restricting his behaviour he progressively tests the bounds of his newfound freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that the discovery of unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper law and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos. Both texts therefore suggest that freedom can catalyse a spectrum of new perceptions, both positive and negative.
Together, the Tempest and Lord of the Flies provide insight as to how discovery involves an exchange between the loss of old perceptions and the gaining of new outlooks. Both Shakespeare and Golding suggest that power can corrupt an individual’s potential to discover, yet when relinquished it engenders new outlooks. The texts also explore how discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, and how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for one’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Here is the essay with my annotations:
Spoiler
The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular, an individual may relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world (To give your thesis a little more direction - I'd end this with, "new perceptions of the world, as caused by discovery. Or, "In particular, a discovery may cause an individual to relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world." Bring discovery back into it). This (Try, this notion, this concept, but not just "this") is demonstrated in William Shakespeare's romantic comedy The Tempest (1610) and William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies (1954). Both texts explore how as people change their outlook on the world it can become difficult to distinguish men from monsters. In addition, the texts display power as an obstacle hindering an individual’s potential to discover new outlooks, whilst also exploring how discovering freedom can engender varied new perspectives. This has improved out of sight. Already I can see "power" being integrated into discovery and no longer a stand alone theme. That's awesome.)
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. (Although in the paragraph above I commented on how well power is integrated into discovery, this thesis statement doesn't do that justice. Try, "Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and the discovery of new outlooks." You need discovery in there.) In the opening scene of the play (Introduce the text her by name, not by text type) Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies.(This is a really great embedded quote!) Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After discovering the damaging ramifications of his magic suffered by those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. No longer blinded by power, Prospero gains a new appreciation of humanity. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition, displaying how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocracy in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democracy. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically also ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when the boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, restoring the correct balance of power within society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it can impede upon an individual’s ability to discover new outlooks. (Your textual analysis here is very impressive. You write with such sophistication. The next step to elevating your work is to definitely bring in discovery more thoroughly. An exercise to get your head around this is to couple every bit of textual evidence with a connection to your discovery thesis. Once you've done that, you can then cut down and relate it to the discovery every second or so textual analysis and leave the others relating to the power/discovery thesis. But right now, you are doing an excellent job in describing the text's purpose and composition and then relating it to power, but the strong sense of discovery isn't here. If you feel more comfortable, you can devote this paragraph to "relinquishing power" as being the first step to discovery, then focusing on the discovered new perceptions in the next paragraph. This means that you are really taking on the "process of discovery" because you will be talking about the different stages. However, if you choose to do that, you need to stress frequently that relinquishing power is the first stage of discovery. Discovery needs to be far more evident.)
Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition. (I like your human condition reference. However, you just need to work on your wording in here. "...deprive an individual's sense of humanity. You aren't saying that the individual is deprived of the sense of humanity, which I think is what you want to say. Perhaps change the word deprive. Try decrease, mitigate, diminish). In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to gain (Perhaps exchange gain for discover???) new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys, including the seemingly humane characters Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon, signifying their complete regression and loss of humanity, ironically becoming the beast they were hunting. Hence both texts explore the transformative role of discovery, enhancing or degrading an individual’s humanity. Again, you need to recognise the thesis more consistently. I was excited for this paragraph because your thesis statement has improved out of this world. You've now just got to carry it through the paragraphs. After the textual evidence, explicitly relate back to the thesis. This elevates your writing's integrity so so so much!)
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives. Very nice thesis statement. Very nice.In the Tempest when Prospero frees himself from power, he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as a wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction “clouds methought”, suggesting that freedom can lead to (discovering???) renewed moral values. Here, Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. In contrast, unlike the Tempest, the discovery of freedom in Lord of the Flies does not lead to positive outlooks. Most notable is Roger's transformation, who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however with no laws or parents restricting his behaviour he progressively tests the bounds of his newfound freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that the discovery of unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper law and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos. Both texts therefore suggest that freedom can catalyse a spectrum of new perceptions, both positive and negative. This is your best paragraph yet in terms of thesis integration. You're really starting to get the hang of it. I've underlined the discovery in here so that you can see it is being mentioned beyond the thesis statement! Once you start to consciously think about adding discovery, the work will fall into place magnificently. There is a little more room for improvement in terms of thesis integration, and then your paragraph will be very cohesive.
To be picky, I'd start this conclusion with a reiteration of your thesis statement. Don't talk about the texts, just talk about your overarching idea of discovery.Together, the Tempest and Lord of the Flies provide insight as to how discovery involves an exchange between the loss of old perceptions and the gaining of new outlooks. Both Shakespeare and Golding suggest that power can corrupt an individual’s potential to discover, yet when relinquished it engenders new outlooks. The texts also explore how discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, and how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for one’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks. (Although in the paragraph above I commented on how well power is integrated into discovery, this thesis statement doesn't do that justice. Try, "Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and the discovery of new outlooks." You need discovery in there.) In the opening scene of the play (Introduce the text her by name, not by text type) Shakespeare introduces the motif of the tempest when Prospero conjures “dreadful thunderclaps” and “fire and cracks of sulphurous roaring” to punish his enemies.(This is a really great embedded quote!) Through these hellish and evil connotations, the tempest symbolises Prospero’s magical abuse of power and his desire to control nature. Prospero uses the tempest and abuses his power to control Ariel, Caliban and the other mariners who arrive on the island. After discovering the damaging ramifications of his magic suffered by those around him, Prospero decides to relinquish his power, metonymically declaring '"I'll break my staff, I'll drown my book" opening himself to all the elements of nature. No longer blinded by power, Prospero gains a new appreciation of humanity. This is emphasised in the closing scene when he promises his former enemies “calm seas, auspicious gails” on the voyage back to Naples, the soft sibilant assurance establishing a sharp juxtaposition between the hellish tempest of the opening scene. In Lord of the Flies Golding develops a similar juxtaposition, displaying how power can be all-consuming. Jack represents the primitive autocracy in contrast to the conch which acts as a symbol of democracy. When Piggy is killed and the conch simultaneously “exploded into a thousand white fragments and ceased to exist” the idea of democracy emblematically also ceases to exist. This use of hyperbolic imagery foreshadows Jack’s ostensible omnipotence over the group. In the denouement when the boys are rescued “Jack started forward, then changed his mind and stood still”. This effective use of sibilance and symbolic movement signifies his transformation from being powerful to becoming passive, restoring the correct balance of power within society. Hence both Shakespeare and Golding employ stark juxtapositions between power and a lack thereof in order to reveal the volatility of power and how it can impede upon an individual’s ability to discover new outlooks. (Your textual analysis here is very impressive. You write with such sophistication. The next step to elevating your work is to definitely bring in discovery more thoroughly. An exercise to get your head around this is to couple every bit of textual evidence with a connection to your discovery thesis. Once you've done that, you can then cut down and relate it to the discovery every second or so textual analysis and leave the others relating to the power/discovery thesis. But right now, you are doing an excellent job in describing the text's purpose and composition and then relating it to power, but the strong sense of discovery isn't here. If you feel more comfortable, you can devote this paragraph to "relinquishing power" as being the first step to discovery, then focusing on the discovered new perceptions in the next paragraph. This means that you are really taking on the "process of discovery" because you will be talking about the different stages. However, if you choose to do that, you need to stress frequently that relinquishing power is the first stage of discovery. Discovery needs to be far more evident.)
Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition. (I like your human condition reference. However, you just need to work on your wording in here. "...deprive an individual's sense of humanity. You aren't saying that the individual is deprived of the sense of humanity, which I think is what you want to say. Perhaps change the word deprive. Try decrease, mitigate, diminish). In the Tempest Shakespeare develops the island motif to explore how isolation from the civilised world can be dehumanising. In the play there is a role reversal between spirit Ariel, who is humanised, and the protagonist Prospero, who is dehumanised. This is exemplified when Ariel tells Prospero of the Mariners imprisonment, suggesting that Prospero’s ‘affections’ should be ‘tender’ and that, "Mine would, sir, were I human” ironically displaying Ariel’s humanity. This juxtaposition of Ariel’s human emotions and Prospero’s lack thereof causes Prospero to question his own values as a human and leads him to gain (Perhaps exchange gain for discover???) new moral values antithetically declaring, "The rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Shakespeare is didactically warning the audience of the easy descent into savagery and the hazy divide between monsters and men. In the Lord of the Flies this journey from being a monster to a man is subverted as the boys begin to regress from society and rational thinking. Like Shakespeare, Golding employs the island motif to manifest the characters’ inner monsters, which is symbolised in their primitive dance and their highly modal chant "Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood", microcosmically representing the idea that everyone has a dark side. Simon’s discovery that the beast is not a monster but within themselves is portrayed in a hallucinatory moment where he hears the severed pigs head reveal "I'm part of you”. This truth pinnacles when the boys, including the seemingly humane characters Ralph and Piggy, kill Simon, signifying their complete regression and loss of humanity, ironically becoming the beast they were hunting. Hence both texts explore the transformative role of discovery, enhancing or degrading an individual’s humanity. Again, you need to recognise the thesis more consistently. I was excited for this paragraph because your thesis statement has improved out of this world. You've now just got to carry it through the paragraphs. After the textual evidence, explicitly relate back to the thesis. This elevates your writing's integrity so so so much!)
Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives. Very nice thesis statement. Very nice.In the Tempest when Prospero frees himself from power, he then releases his slave Caliban, Ariel and the mariners conveying how the discovery of individual freedom can lead to collective liberation. Most prominent is Caliban’s transformation, who is initially depicted as a wicked sub-human “devil” and yet once freed from slavery is humanised and is able to better himself, "I'll be wise hereafter and seek for grace". This eloquent highly modal declaration juxtaposes Caliban’s former incoherent diction “clouds methought”, suggesting that freedom can lead to (discovering???) renewed moral values. Here, Shakespeare is perhaps reacting to the imperial colonisation of the English empire during the Elizabethan era hinting that it is not slaves who are savage but the act of enslavement itself. In contrast, unlike the Tempest, the discovery of freedom in Lord of the Flies does not lead to positive outlooks. Most notable is Roger's transformation, who initially clings to the " taboo of the old life" however with no laws or parents restricting his behaviour he progressively tests the bounds of his newfound freedom and discovers there are no boundaries. When Piggy rhetorically and asks the group “Which is better – to have rules and agree, or to hunt and kill?” he antithetically foreshadows Roger’s downfall where he horrifyingly kills Piggy, suffering no consequences for his actions. Golding is illustrating the idea that the discovery of unrestrained freedom can have negative consequences and without proper law and order, civilisation inevitably falls into chaos. Both texts therefore suggest that freedom can catalyse a spectrum of new perceptions, both positive and negative. This is your best paragraph yet in terms of thesis integration. You're really starting to get the hang of it. I've underlined the discovery in here so that you can see it is being mentioned beyond the thesis statement! Once you start to consciously think about adding discovery, the work will fall into place magnificently. There is a little more room for improvement in terms of thesis integration, and then your paragraph will be very cohesive.
To be picky, I'd start this conclusion with a reiteration of your thesis statement. Don't talk about the texts, just talk about your overarching idea of discovery.Together, the Tempest and Lord of the Flies provide insight as to how discovery involves an exchange between the loss of old perceptions and the gaining of new outlooks. Both Shakespeare and Golding suggest that power can corrupt an individual’s potential to discover, yet when relinquished it engenders new outlooks. The texts also explore how discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, and how freedom can have both positive and negative implications for one’s ability to embrace new outlooks.
Okay!!! Awesome!
The thesis statements:
These are the statements I see in here:
-The process of discovery often involves an exchange between loss and gain. In particular, an individual may relinquish certain values in order to attain new perceptions of the world.
-Power can be all-consuming, however when relinquished it can lead to redemption and new outlooks.
-Discovery can either augment or deprive an individual's sense of humanity, leading to new perceptions of the human condition.
-Freedom is often the catalyst for an individual to alter their ways of thinking and discover new perspectives.
This means that in every single paragraph, you need to talk about loss and gain explicitly, and you need to talk about values/perceptions. The key words in your overarching thesis need to be chosen wisely for this very reason: you need to mention them consistently throughout your work.
I've suggested above where the thesis statements can be improved to weave discovery through in a more cohesive way.
On the up side
This has improved so much. I can see that you're definitely taking on board so much of what has been said. If I had to give this a mark now (which I never feel comfortable doing because I'm not a HSC marker) I'd give this about an 11. So you're hanging so close to a band 6 right here. Your textual analysis is truly, truly awesome.
What is left to improve?
-Your thesis statements need more explicit discovery.
-Both your paragraph's topic sentence and the overarching thesis need to be mentioned more coherently.
I'm feeling really happy that your essay has improved so much already. This is a pleasure to read because your language is sophisticated but I'm also seeing that you've taken on the advice. I'm curious about if you've submitted this to your teacher to show her/him the changes? Hopefully they are just as impressed as I am! DEFINITELY post back when you've made changes or edits so that we can get super close to the full marks, or even get the full marks! When we've nailed the structure, I'll get this edited by another one of our contributors who will look at it with fresh eyes and work on tidying up the language - even though it is already very tidy! Just so that you are getting lots of feedback from different people.
So, take your time and have a look again, edit, play with things, whatever. Then post back when you get the chance.
Also, you probably want to start preparing your response to be applied to different possible questions. Apply it to the 2015 HSC question, and ask your teacher for your school's 2015 half yearly or your 2015 trial! :) You're doing so well.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 04, 2016, 02:16:09 pm
Hi!! thanks so much for this!! just so you know I haven't written a conclusion because i usually just write that on the day depending on the question (is this a good idea...?). I've also tried to make it quite general without including key terms obviously, so it will probably be a bit longer than this when I write it on the day. I don't think I have any particular concerns for my essay, just maybe if it makes sense at all?
thank you so much!!!
Hey! Welcome to the threads!! I'm glad to see you using the service.
Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Personal discoveries can change one’s perception of themselves, and their place in society. In The Awakening, Edna’s discovery of her autonomous existence brings with it the discovery that it is in fact, impossible. The contextual society will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery useless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran.
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and result in the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has newly discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal, emotional nature of her discovery. Her discovery is revealing her inner autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing and gentle rhythm of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not always be synonymous with the social ideas of the context. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century, when women were expected to be submissive and maintain the role of the perfect domestic wife. Fin de siècle literature presented women with more choices, prompting general re-evaluation of women's role in society. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the inevitability of her inability to achieve freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, the line “she stood naked in the open air" before her suicide, displays an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she saw the potential of liberation and was destroyed. This represents her recognition of the fact that her newly discovered identity cannot exist in this society.
The film Persepolis further enforces the idea that the discovery of one’s identity may not always be possible for those living in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for freedom, for her need to discover and express herself freely. The swan provides an insight into Marjiane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for freedom in the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not synonymous with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the colours of the movie. When Marjane is wearing the veil, the movie is in black and white, however, when she removes it, the film is in colour. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less than a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered and accepted that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroy Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self, but in a different context.
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and result in the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has newly discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal, emotional nature of her discovery. Her discovery is revealing her inner autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing and gentle rhythm of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not always be synonymous with the social ideas of the context. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century, when women were expected to be submissive and maintain the role of the perfect domestic wife. Fin de siècle literature presented women with more choices, prompting general re-evaluation of women's role in society. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the inevitability of her inability to achieve freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, the line “she stood naked in the open air" before her suicide, displays an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she saw the potential of liberation and was destroyed. This represents her recognition of the fact that her newly discovered identity cannot exist in this society.
The film Persepolis further enforces the idea that the discovery of one’s identity may not always be possible for those living in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for freedom, for her need to discover and express herself freely. The swan provides an insight into Marjiane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for freedom in the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not synonymous with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the colours of the movie. When Marjane is wearing the veil, the movie is in black and white, however, when she removes it, the film is in colour. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less than a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered and accepted that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroy Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self, but in a different context.
Here is your essay with my editing in bold:
Spoiler
Personal discoveries can(Rather than CAN, I would say, "has the ability" or "may" or "may have the capacity to" These read better in a conceptual/low modality way. change one’s perception of themselves,No need for a comma here :) and their place in society. (I'm assuming that in an exam situation, you would address the question here? Your original thesis works well with this structure)In The Awakening, (I need to know who Edna is. The protagonist? "In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a discovery of her autonomous...")Edna’s discovery of her autonomous existence brings with it the discovery that it is in fact, impossible. (I think you might need to play with the syntax here. If the autonomous existence is impossible, how did she discover it? Is it an imagined discovery? A mental discovery? And then the discovery that it is impossible was physical?)The contextual society(Contextual society doesn't really make sense. Perhaps, the context of the society?) will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery useless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran. hat I've gained from this so far, is that the discoveries can be like double ended swords. They discover something they like, but then confront a new challenging discovery. This is a strong thesis in my eyes. I would probably mention this in a thesis kind of way at the beginning of the paragraph. As a picky rule of thumb, you should end the paragraphs in AOS completely removed from texts. This includes the introduction! The purpose of this is to make sure that you are tying everything into discovery and not the texts. However, in saying this, it is four thousand times more important to talk about discovery at the start of a paragraph than it is to talk about them at the end. So, if you find that bringing back discovery at the end of a paragraph doesn't suit you, that's fine! I mention it here because you just have one sentence that kind of hangs on the end introducing your new text. You want to integrate it, not hang it :)
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and result in the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. (This thesis is AWESOME!)The title of the novel, The Awakening emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. To add a technique here: try connotations. The connotations of awakening suit this purpose). Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has newly discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal, emotional nature of her discovery. Her discovery is revealing her inner autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing and gentle rhythm of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions. You've mentioned discovery consistently - great job! The next step would be tying it back to the essay question (which you obviously don't have yet) at the end of the paragraph.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not always be synonymous with the social ideas of the context. (I think we can improve the word choice here. I suggest this: "...that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas.")The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century, when women were expected to be submissive and maintain the role of the perfect domestic wife.(You need to say that this was the case in which geographical location? Because although this may have been the case in one place, it was not the case in South Africa or China, to name two places. Also, this is three sentences in a row with no textual referencing. If you can cut out the less important parts of each and slice these together in a maximum of two sentences, your essay will be strengthened. This isn't a contextual essay, this is a conceptual essay. I'm super interested by what you have to say, but that's because I'm interested in women in literature. Your marker won't necessarily be. They are there to look at how you deal with discovery and the text to support that. Fin de siècle literature presented women with more choices, prompting general re-evaluation of women's role in society. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the inevitability of her inability to achieve freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, the line(Avoid saying "the line" or "the quote") “she stood naked in the open air" before her suicide, displays an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she saw the potential of liberation and was destroyed. This represents her recognition of the fact that her newly discovered identity cannot exist in this society. You have very good vocabulary. It isn't too showy or too shy, it is very impressive! I think you need to work on quote, technique, explain, bring it back to your thesis. Sometimes you get stuck in retell a bit instead of showing the impressive facts that would elevate your work!
The film Persepolis further enforces the idea that the discovery of one’s identity may not always be possible for those living in restrictive societies. (This might read better: "The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies.)The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for freedom, for her need to discover and express herself freely. The swan provides an insight into Marjiane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for freedom in the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not synonymous(Synonymous might not be the best word to use here. Harmonious works better) with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the colours of the movie. When Marjane is wearing the veil, the movie is in black and white, however, when she removes it, the film is in colour. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less than a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured.(This is a good textual connection) Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered and accepted that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroy Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self, but in a different context.
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and result in the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. (This thesis is AWESOME!)The title of the novel, The Awakening emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. To add a technique here: try connotations. The connotations of awakening suit this purpose). Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has newly discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal, emotional nature of her discovery. Her discovery is revealing her inner autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing and gentle rhythm of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions. You've mentioned discovery consistently - great job! The next step would be tying it back to the essay question (which you obviously don't have yet) at the end of the paragraph.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not always be synonymous with the social ideas of the context. (I think we can improve the word choice here. I suggest this: "...that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas.")The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century, when women were expected to be submissive and maintain the role of the perfect domestic wife.(You need to say that this was the case in which geographical location? Because although this may have been the case in one place, it was not the case in South Africa or China, to name two places. Also, this is three sentences in a row with no textual referencing. If you can cut out the less important parts of each and slice these together in a maximum of two sentences, your essay will be strengthened. This isn't a contextual essay, this is a conceptual essay. I'm super interested by what you have to say, but that's because I'm interested in women in literature. Your marker won't necessarily be. They are there to look at how you deal with discovery and the text to support that. Fin de siècle literature presented women with more choices, prompting general re-evaluation of women's role in society. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the inevitability of her inability to achieve freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, the line(Avoid saying "the line" or "the quote") “she stood naked in the open air" before her suicide, displays an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she saw the potential of liberation and was destroyed. This represents her recognition of the fact that her newly discovered identity cannot exist in this society. You have very good vocabulary. It isn't too showy or too shy, it is very impressive! I think you need to work on quote, technique, explain, bring it back to your thesis. Sometimes you get stuck in retell a bit instead of showing the impressive facts that would elevate your work!
The film Persepolis further enforces the idea that the discovery of one’s identity may not always be possible for those living in restrictive societies. (This might read better: "The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies.)The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for freedom, for her need to discover and express herself freely. The swan provides an insight into Marjiane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for freedom in the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not synonymous(Synonymous might not be the best word to use here. Harmonious works better) with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the colours of the movie. When Marjane is wearing the veil, the movie is in black and white, however, when she removes it, the film is in colour. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less than a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured.(This is a good textual connection) Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered and accepted that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroy Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self, but in a different context.
What you do well:
There is some great use of language here. However, there are spots to elevate the work. You've used synonymous when it doesn't fit the same way as harmonious would. You've also drawn some wonderful connections between the texts. Your thesis statements link the two texts well. In fact, I think you've chosen a really good ORT!
What to work on:
The sentences lack the power that they can have. It is a matter of going through your work and highlighting (in different colours) the quotes, the techniques, the analysis, the thesis. Then what is left uncoloured will be the bits that need stronger economy of words and a greater purpose in the essay.
If any of this doesn't make sense let me know. If I haven't been clear I will rephrase what I've said :)
Happy studies!
Post by: brontem on March 05, 2016, 12:55:24 am
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2016, 03:30:46 pm
Hey
I wanted to know whether or not this is a good essay . Can you please give me YOUR PERCEPTION on what, out of 15 this essay is worth. :) :) :) Can I please get the feedback before Monday, if not I entirely understand. :) :) :)
Hey! Just in time for Monday :)
Here is your original, unedited essay:
Spoiler
The process of discovery can vary with historical or cultural context shaped through society’s eccentric perception; however it is nevertheless educed through one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances. Anglo-American author; Bill Bryson’s scientific memoir ;A Short History of Nearly Everything ASHONE and Malala Yousafzai’s outspoken autobiography I Am Malala IAM, accessibly divulges in the provocative and confronting effects of discovery, both of which can affirm and challenge individual or more widely held beliefs about aspects of human experience through world innovations. Such innovations are disinterred through culture, modernism and the renewed context of society.
Cultural and historical context hold the potential to restrain discoveries triggered through wonder which can catalyse vast ideological changes and yield enriching future possibilities. Red in tooth and claw accentuates the power of social conditions in both supressing and stimulating discoveries. The findings of ‘old world creatures’ had sparked a ‘religious controversy’. Palaeontologist; George Cuvier’s formal theory of extinctions had raised uncomfortable implications, ‘contrary to the Great Chain of Being’. Evidence, such as the study of Rock strata, heightened the moral awkward concerning extinctions’ and so the ‘chance for Americans to claim the discovery of dinosaurs was wasted’. Bryson’s incongruous use of idiomatic language towards America, now contemporarily known as one of the ‘most advanced nations on the planet’ gives the narrative an accessible tone and positions the reader above contempory experts. The application proffers humour and invites the reader to wonder at the nature of the discovery of the first dinosaurs. The absurdist play of juxtaposition between science and religion suggests within the reader, whether significant discovery is a means defying pre-determined conventions or rather one ability to risk what is known and grow in nature. Sydney lecturer; Alison Cardinale believes that one of Bryson’s purpose is to challenge the notion of ‘deeming new world too provocative’, and in turn posit confronting ideological discoveries. Thus cultural context acts as the lens through which the fruitions of individual’s curiosity and wonder is accepted, rejected or reconsidered.
In contrast to Bryson, Yousafzai explores a more overt direction of discovery, such as recognition of the beneficial implementation, of western commercialism; equality of education on traditional values of Pakistan. IAM publically focalises the essential role, purpose and functional power of education, intellectually, to women around Pakistan, highlighting the confronting necessity for the ‘threatening application of propitious western principles’. The paradoxical values represented through hyperbole deem traditional society’s provocative recognition of ‘western revelations’ as ‘inauspicious and threatening’. Aiming to portray that intellectual discovery encompasses the collective contribution of society; Yousafzai emotively represents the contributions of her father; Ziauddin and his politics as a way of effectuating power to benefit the ‘hierarchical position of women within Swat’. Ziauddin accumulation of diplomatic power is in response to fight for a progressing society, one which caters beneficial modern directions that tradition has overlooked. Ultimately the purpose of his ambitions is make public, the discovery of the importance of education in shaping one status and personal value. He does this by metaphorically representing educations as a cherishment, bringing to life that educational concepts are a right to everyone, providing as an auxiliary to the purpose of IAM. “Education is education, it is neither western nor eastern, it is human”. Through the semantic study of emotive language and contempory sense of tone, Yousafzai foreshadows the effects and necessity of discovery, enhancing ones perception to speculate on future possibilities and revelations that education can deter. Therefore Yousafzai represent the process of intellectual discovery of the necessity of foreign commercial culture, such as education, as a collective social contribution, challenging pre-determined cultural context.
The growth of human perception in relation to discovery of societies social and behavioural values, posits discovery as an ongoing aspect of world innovations. One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as the endeavours of key modern Australian discoverer; Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of physical discovery’. ‘I [Evan] like the old ways… I won’t give that up for new technology… I’m quite yet cheerful man”. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘wonder to make connections’ within society. Also Bryson’s application of modern opinions and dialogue from his interview with Evan, helps readers to what he believes ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Conversely, Bryson parodies the Australian 1936 social context and values as proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farcical representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. Therefore, our idiosyncratic wonder and curiosity of social culture progresses the development of society attitudes and values.
Thus, the value of discovery is determined by the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, but also the preconception of social culture, which over time fluctuates due to historical context. Such value is brought into fruition in response to our idiosyncratic wonder, curiosity and necessity of the world. Discoveries can henceforth be due to cultural confliction, collective passion or progression of society, to which both ASHONE and IAM are a testament to.
Cultural and historical context hold the potential to restrain discoveries triggered through wonder which can catalyse vast ideological changes and yield enriching future possibilities. Red in tooth and claw accentuates the power of social conditions in both supressing and stimulating discoveries. The findings of ‘old world creatures’ had sparked a ‘religious controversy’. Palaeontologist; George Cuvier’s formal theory of extinctions had raised uncomfortable implications, ‘contrary to the Great Chain of Being’. Evidence, such as the study of Rock strata, heightened the moral awkward concerning extinctions’ and so the ‘chance for Americans to claim the discovery of dinosaurs was wasted’. Bryson’s incongruous use of idiomatic language towards America, now contemporarily known as one of the ‘most advanced nations on the planet’ gives the narrative an accessible tone and positions the reader above contempory experts. The application proffers humour and invites the reader to wonder at the nature of the discovery of the first dinosaurs. The absurdist play of juxtaposition between science and religion suggests within the reader, whether significant discovery is a means defying pre-determined conventions or rather one ability to risk what is known and grow in nature. Sydney lecturer; Alison Cardinale believes that one of Bryson’s purpose is to challenge the notion of ‘deeming new world too provocative’, and in turn posit confronting ideological discoveries. Thus cultural context acts as the lens through which the fruitions of individual’s curiosity and wonder is accepted, rejected or reconsidered.
In contrast to Bryson, Yousafzai explores a more overt direction of discovery, such as recognition of the beneficial implementation, of western commercialism; equality of education on traditional values of Pakistan. IAM publically focalises the essential role, purpose and functional power of education, intellectually, to women around Pakistan, highlighting the confronting necessity for the ‘threatening application of propitious western principles’. The paradoxical values represented through hyperbole deem traditional society’s provocative recognition of ‘western revelations’ as ‘inauspicious and threatening’. Aiming to portray that intellectual discovery encompasses the collective contribution of society; Yousafzai emotively represents the contributions of her father; Ziauddin and his politics as a way of effectuating power to benefit the ‘hierarchical position of women within Swat’. Ziauddin accumulation of diplomatic power is in response to fight for a progressing society, one which caters beneficial modern directions that tradition has overlooked. Ultimately the purpose of his ambitions is make public, the discovery of the importance of education in shaping one status and personal value. He does this by metaphorically representing educations as a cherishment, bringing to life that educational concepts are a right to everyone, providing as an auxiliary to the purpose of IAM. “Education is education, it is neither western nor eastern, it is human”. Through the semantic study of emotive language and contempory sense of tone, Yousafzai foreshadows the effects and necessity of discovery, enhancing ones perception to speculate on future possibilities and revelations that education can deter. Therefore Yousafzai represent the process of intellectual discovery of the necessity of foreign commercial culture, such as education, as a collective social contribution, challenging pre-determined cultural context.
The growth of human perception in relation to discovery of societies social and behavioural values, posits discovery as an ongoing aspect of world innovations. One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as the endeavours of key modern Australian discoverer; Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of physical discovery’. ‘I [Evan] like the old ways… I won’t give that up for new technology… I’m quite yet cheerful man”. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘wonder to make connections’ within society. Also Bryson’s application of modern opinions and dialogue from his interview with Evan, helps readers to what he believes ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Conversely, Bryson parodies the Australian 1936 social context and values as proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farcical representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. Therefore, our idiosyncratic wonder and curiosity of social culture progresses the development of society attitudes and values.
Thus, the value of discovery is determined by the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, but also the preconception of social culture, which over time fluctuates due to historical context. Such value is brought into fruition in response to our idiosyncratic wonder, curiosity and necessity of the world. Discoveries can henceforth be due to cultural confliction, collective passion or progression of society, to which both ASHONE and IAM are a testament to.
Here is your essay, with my comments made in bold :)
Spoiler
The process of discovery can vary with historical or cultural context shaped through society’s eccentric perception; however it is nevertheless educed through one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances. This is a big wordy sentence. After reading it twice, I think I know what you are saying now. I don't know that eccentric is the best word to use. Eccentric means unconventional or strange. Seeing as what is "conventional" is usually dictated by what society adapts on the large scale, I don't know how society could own an eccentric perception? Furthermore, I think idiosyncratic could be well substituted for unique. You want to show impressive language, but you can't let it detract from your clarity of expression in relation to discovery. Perhaps try exchanging these words and then cutting the sentence into two. Anglo-American author; Bill Bryson’s scientific memoir ;A Short History of Nearly Everything ASHONE and Malala Yousafzai’s outspoken autobiography I Am Malala IAM, accessibly divulges in the provocative and confronting effects of discovery, both of which can affirm and challenge individual or more widely held beliefs about aspects of human experience through world innovations. Such innovations are disinterred through culture, modernism and the renewed context of society. Because your introduction is only three sentences long at this stage, I would split your first sentence into two, and introduce your texts in different sentences too. This will improve the flow and improve the clarity of the discovery understanding.
Cultural and historical contexts hold/have the potential to restrain/suppress (suits your purpose more, in my opinion.) discoveries triggered through wonder which can catalyse vast ideological changes and yield enriching future possibilities. Again, this is a very long sentence. I really, really love the ideas you are expressing here. However, I will full stop after "discoveries." Also, teachers, markers, writers all have different opinions on "catalyse." It is an awkward word. But, seeing as you may be splitting your sentence and having to adjust syntax, you can replace it with triggers. Red in tooth and claw accentuates the power of social conditions in both supressing and stimulating discoveries. (I can't work out what Red in tooth and claw is?)The findings of ‘old world creatures’ had sparked a ‘religious controversy’. Palaeontologist; George Cuvier’s formal theory of extinctions had raised uncomfortable implications, ‘contrary to the Great Chain of Being’. (By now, you should have acknowledged which text you are discussing. I can assume of course, but it needs to be explicitly referenced. Right now, your topic sentence stands alone and very lonely because there is no link between the text and the discovery concept. The text should be used as a testament to the concept. Right now, the two sit completely unlinked)Evidence, such as the study of Rock strata, heightened the moral awkward concerning extinctions’ and so the ‘chance for Americans to claim the discovery of dinosaurs was wasted’. Bryson’s incongruous use of idiomatic language towards America, now contemporarily known as one of the ‘most advanced nations on the planet’ gives the narrative an accessible tone and positions the reader above contempory experts. The application proffers humour and invites the reader to wonder at the nature of the discovery of the first dinosaurs. The absurdist play of juxtaposition(good analysis of text and link to discovery right here) between science and religion suggests within the reader, whether significant discovery is a means defying pre-determined conventions or rather one ability to risk what is known and grow in nature. Sydney lecturer; Alison Cardinale believes that one of Bryson’s purpose is to challenge the notion of ‘deeming new world too provocative’, and in turn posit confronting ideological discoveries. Thus cultural context acts as the lens through which the fruitions of individual’s curiosity and wonder is accepted, rejected or reconsidered. Until this end bit, I was waiting for you to bring it back to society being oppressive of the discoveries. If you want to set it up like: here are the discoveries, here is the oppression, you can! Totally. But it needs to be clearer earlier on that your plan is exactly that. Otherwise, you want to make consistent links between society's suppression and discoveries.
I really like what you say in this next paragraph. But, I am left wishing that you eased me into it with a sentence prior, completely removed from the text, and totally conceptual. If you could provide another slightly altered discovery concept to one you have already said, that applies to this paragraph/text, that could really improve the flow)In contrast to Bryson, Yousafzai explores a more overt direction of discovery, such as recognition of the beneficial implementation, of western commercialism; equality of education on traditional values of Pakistan. IAM publically focalises the essential role, purpose and functional power of education, intellectually, to women around Pakistan, highlighting the confronting necessity for the ‘threatening application of propitious western principles’. The paradoxical values represented through hyperbole deem traditional society’s provocative recognition of ‘western revelations’ as ‘inauspicious and threatening’. Aiming to portray that intellectual discovery(Yass! This is a really untouched part of the rubric: intellectual discovery) encompasses the collective contribution of society; Yousafzai emotively represents the contributions of her father; Ziauddin and his politics as a way of effectuating power to benefit the ‘hierarchical position of women within Swat’. Ziauddin accumulation of diplomatic power is in response to fight for a progressing society, one which caters beneficial modern directions that tradition has overlooked. Ultimately the purpose of his ambitions is make public, the discovery of the importance of education in shaping one status and personal value. He does this by metaphorically representing educations as a cherishment, bringing to life that educational concepts are a right to everyone, providing as an auxiliary to the purpose of IAM. “Education is education, it is neither western nor eastern, it is human”. Through the semantic study of emotive language and contempory sense of tone, Yousafzai foreshadows the effects and necessity of discovery, enhancing ones perception to speculate on future possibilities and revelations that education can deter. Therefore Yousafzai represent the process of intellectual discovery of the necessity of foreign commercial culture, such as education, as a collective social contribution, challenging pre-determined cultural context. This paragraph has a lot of clarity.
The growth of human perception in relation to discovery of societies social and behavioural values, posits discovery as an ongoing aspect of world innovations. Again, we need to introduce the text formally again.One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as the endeavours of key modern Australian discoverer; Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of physical discovery’. ‘I [Evan] like the old ways… I won’t give that up for new technology… I’m quite yet cheerful man”. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘wonder to make connections’ within society. Also Bryson’s application of modern opinions and dialogue from his interview with Evan, helps readers to what he believes ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Conversely, Bryson parodies the Australian 1936 social context and values as proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farcical representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. Therefore, our idiosyncratic wonder and curiosity of social culture progresses the development of society's attitudes and values.
Thus, the value of discovery is determined by the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, but also the preconception of social culture, which over time fluctuates due to historical context. You may disagree and that's totally cool, but I think that this sentence would read better like this: Thus, the value of discovery is determined by the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, which alters in society through the course of time.Such value is brought into fruition in response to our idiosyncratic wonder, curiosity and necessity of the world. Discoveries can henceforth be due to cultural confliction, collective passion or progression of society, to which both ASHONE and IAM are a testament to. I always use the texts as a "testament" to the concepts in my conclusion - so big ticks from me here! This conclusion is so good because you don't let it be dictated by the texts. This leave s a really good taste in the markers mouth about your understanding of discovery!
Don't be afraid to post back after your assessment and when you take on your teacher's advice as well. You have a lot of EXCELLENT ideas in here, but you need to work on the clarity of expression. Remember to clarify which text you are referring to. Your marker will know, but don't make them work for it in this essay. Your thesis statement works really well for both your prescribed text and your ORT! Very good picking :)
Cultural and historical contexts hold/have the potential to restrain/suppress (suits your purpose more, in my opinion.) discoveries triggered through wonder which can catalyse vast ideological changes and yield enriching future possibilities. Again, this is a very long sentence. I really, really love the ideas you are expressing here. However, I will full stop after "discoveries." Also, teachers, markers, writers all have different opinions on "catalyse." It is an awkward word. But, seeing as you may be splitting your sentence and having to adjust syntax, you can replace it with triggers. Red in tooth and claw accentuates the power of social conditions in both supressing and stimulating discoveries. (I can't work out what Red in tooth and claw is?)The findings of ‘old world creatures’ had sparked a ‘religious controversy’. Palaeontologist; George Cuvier’s formal theory of extinctions had raised uncomfortable implications, ‘contrary to the Great Chain of Being’. (By now, you should have acknowledged which text you are discussing. I can assume of course, but it needs to be explicitly referenced. Right now, your topic sentence stands alone and very lonely because there is no link between the text and the discovery concept. The text should be used as a testament to the concept. Right now, the two sit completely unlinked)Evidence, such as the study of Rock strata, heightened the moral awkward concerning extinctions’ and so the ‘chance for Americans to claim the discovery of dinosaurs was wasted’. Bryson’s incongruous use of idiomatic language towards America, now contemporarily known as one of the ‘most advanced nations on the planet’ gives the narrative an accessible tone and positions the reader above contempory experts. The application proffers humour and invites the reader to wonder at the nature of the discovery of the first dinosaurs. The absurdist play of juxtaposition(good analysis of text and link to discovery right here) between science and religion suggests within the reader, whether significant discovery is a means defying pre-determined conventions or rather one ability to risk what is known and grow in nature. Sydney lecturer; Alison Cardinale believes that one of Bryson’s purpose is to challenge the notion of ‘deeming new world too provocative’, and in turn posit confronting ideological discoveries. Thus cultural context acts as the lens through which the fruitions of individual’s curiosity and wonder is accepted, rejected or reconsidered. Until this end bit, I was waiting for you to bring it back to society being oppressive of the discoveries. If you want to set it up like: here are the discoveries, here is the oppression, you can! Totally. But it needs to be clearer earlier on that your plan is exactly that. Otherwise, you want to make consistent links between society's suppression and discoveries.
I really like what you say in this next paragraph. But, I am left wishing that you eased me into it with a sentence prior, completely removed from the text, and totally conceptual. If you could provide another slightly altered discovery concept to one you have already said, that applies to this paragraph/text, that could really improve the flow)In contrast to Bryson, Yousafzai explores a more overt direction of discovery, such as recognition of the beneficial implementation, of western commercialism; equality of education on traditional values of Pakistan. IAM publically focalises the essential role, purpose and functional power of education, intellectually, to women around Pakistan, highlighting the confronting necessity for the ‘threatening application of propitious western principles’. The paradoxical values represented through hyperbole deem traditional society’s provocative recognition of ‘western revelations’ as ‘inauspicious and threatening’. Aiming to portray that intellectual discovery(Yass! This is a really untouched part of the rubric: intellectual discovery) encompasses the collective contribution of society; Yousafzai emotively represents the contributions of her father; Ziauddin and his politics as a way of effectuating power to benefit the ‘hierarchical position of women within Swat’. Ziauddin accumulation of diplomatic power is in response to fight for a progressing society, one which caters beneficial modern directions that tradition has overlooked. Ultimately the purpose of his ambitions is make public, the discovery of the importance of education in shaping one status and personal value. He does this by metaphorically representing educations as a cherishment, bringing to life that educational concepts are a right to everyone, providing as an auxiliary to the purpose of IAM. “Education is education, it is neither western nor eastern, it is human”. Through the semantic study of emotive language and contempory sense of tone, Yousafzai foreshadows the effects and necessity of discovery, enhancing ones perception to speculate on future possibilities and revelations that education can deter. Therefore Yousafzai represent the process of intellectual discovery of the necessity of foreign commercial culture, such as education, as a collective social contribution, challenging pre-determined cultural context. This paragraph has a lot of clarity.
The growth of human perception in relation to discovery of societies social and behavioural values, posits discovery as an ongoing aspect of world innovations. Again, we need to introduce the text formally again.One such juxtaposed perspective is that of the Australian society, such as the endeavours of key modern Australian discoverer; Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. In particular, Bryson’s recount of astronomer; Robert Evan, is a simple example of an individual proactively undertaking ‘the simplest act of physical discovery’. ‘I [Evan] like the old ways… I won’t give that up for new technology… I’m quite yet cheerful man”. Through the application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, Bryson enlightens, that for Evan, the physical act parallels the emotional and physiological joy of discovery. The juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as an ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international reputation’, substantiates one of the central themes within ASHONE’s context; that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientist to keen amateurs to local peasants, ‘and it is rather dependant on one’s ‘wonder to make connections’ within society. Also Bryson’s application of modern opinions and dialogue from his interview with Evan, helps readers to what he believes ‘marvel at, enjoy even- the wonder and accomplishments of science at a level that isn’t too technical or demanding’. Conversely, Bryson parodies the Australian 1936 social context and values as proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farcical representation develops pathos within the readers evinces Bryson’s preconceived concept; ‘humans are inherently bad news for other living things’. Therefore, our idiosyncratic wonder and curiosity of social culture progresses the development of society's attitudes and values.
Thus, the value of discovery is determined by the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, but also the preconception of social culture, which over time fluctuates due to historical context. You may disagree and that's totally cool, but I think that this sentence would read better like this: Thus, the value of discovery is determined by the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, which alters in society through the course of time.Such value is brought into fruition in response to our idiosyncratic wonder, curiosity and necessity of the world. Discoveries can henceforth be due to cultural confliction, collective passion or progression of society, to which both ASHONE and IAM are a testament to. I always use the texts as a "testament" to the concepts in my conclusion - so big ticks from me here! This conclusion is so good because you don't let it be dictated by the texts. This leave s a really good taste in the markers mouth about your understanding of discovery!
Don't be afraid to post back after your assessment and when you take on your teacher's advice as well. You have a lot of EXCELLENT ideas in here, but you need to work on the clarity of expression. Remember to clarify which text you are referring to. Your marker will know, but don't make them work for it in this essay. Your thesis statement works really well for both your prescribed text and your ORT! Very good picking :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2016, 03:33:24 pm
Can you please give me YOUR PERCEPTION on what, out of 15 this essay is worth. :)
Oops! Forgot this part. Your sitting on the fence at the front of the band 5 yard I think. Once the clarity is improved, your marks will be elevated but it will also be easier to categorise because your ideas will be enhanced!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 06, 2016, 04:34:36 pm
Hey :) thanks for offering help here, I've attached my essay below :) I just want to know if I'm making sense and saying things properly - its usually how i execute my thoughts which brings me down. We weren't given a specific question - just told to model of last years HSC (loosely) - so its a pretty generic essay (no conclusion either - I make that up on the spot). I appreciate the help!
Hey! Okay I hear you, and I'm ready to help :)
Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Through the journey of an individual who willingly defies societal boundaries Kate Chopin’s The Awakening represents the fulfilling discoveries which could only be once an individual decides to reconsider the reality around them or make the effort to deeply explore beyond the realms of comfort. Chopin examines the relationship between the individual, particularly women, and society through Edna’s emancipatory quest for freedom, self-fulfilment and liberation. The Awakening traces Edna’s movement from ignorance of individuality to the pursuit of knowledge and uncovering autonomy, whereby the brutal discovery that such freedom will always be denied inevitably destroys her. Similarly, Kim Ho’s short film the language of love explores the ideas of renewed perceptions through the perspective of a modern homosexual teen, who struggles upon discovering his true sexual identity due to the stigma placed on non-conformist relationships.
The impacts of a discovery can come unexpectedly, Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’s experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity.
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal reconsiderations. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. Haunting musical intonation of "Charlies a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life.
The impacts of a discovery can come unexpectedly, Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’s experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity.
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal reconsiderations. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. Haunting musical intonation of "Charlies a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life.
Here is your essay with my little thoughts in bold writing throughout:
Spoiler
Your essay must definitely, definitely start with a sentence that is removed from the texts. It should be a concept statement that purely addresses your understanding of discovery, in a low modality kind of way.Through the journey of an individual who willingly defies societal boundaries, Kate Chopin’s The Awakening represents the fulfilling discoveries which could only be once an individual decides to reconsider the reality around them or make the effort to deeply explore beyond the realms of comfort. Chopin examines the relationship between the individual, particularly women, and society through Edna’s emancipatory quest for freedom, self-fulfilment and liberation. The Awakening traces Edna’s movement from ignorance of individuality to the pursuit of knowledge and uncovering autonomy, whereby the brutal discovery that such freedom will always be denied inevitably destroys her. Similarly, Kim Ho’s short film the language of love explores the ideas of renewed perceptions through the perspective of a modern homosexual teen, who struggles upon discovering his true sexual identity due to the stigma placed on non-conformist relationships. The importance of a directing discovery-related concept statement at the start of your essay is so great. Because it doesn't exist, I couldn't make the connections between what you suggest of your texts and the concepts of the module. Then, you can end this introduction with reference to the thesis again, to make sure that your essay is discovery based and not text based!
Again, similar to your introduction, you need to start every paragraph with a non-textual and completely conceptual statement. The body paragraphs will be started with a topic sentence that is a variation/fleshing-out of the original concept, or a direct response to the question.The impacts of a discovery can come unexpectedly, Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’s experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia I think this is correct, but it isn't a commonly used term. Speak to your teacher about this one (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity. Finalise the paragraph with a link to discovery.
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal reconsiderations.<This is exactly what I'm talking about in terms of a non-text related statement. However, you need to explicitly reference discovery. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. Haunting musical intonation of "Charlies a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life.
There is some really strong textual integration here which is very impressive.
Again, similar to your introduction, you need to start every paragraph with a non-textual and completely conceptual statement. The body paragraphs will be started with a topic sentence that is a variation/fleshing-out of the original concept, or a direct response to the question.The impacts of a discovery can come unexpectedly, Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’s experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia I think this is correct, but it isn't a commonly used term. Speak to your teacher about this one (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity. Finalise the paragraph with a link to discovery.
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal reconsiderations.<This is exactly what I'm talking about in terms of a non-text related statement. However, you need to explicitly reference discovery. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. Haunting musical intonation of "Charlies a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life.
There is some really strong textual integration here which is very impressive.
You need to make sure that your conclusion (when written) is super strong on the discovery basis. This needs to have a direct expression of how you perceive discovery. This needs to bring it home and show the marker that YOU GET DISCOVERY!
In the paragraphs, a lot of your clarity of expression will be improved by making links to thesis statements, these are yet to be developed. You need to have a strong thesis statement, and little branches off of that to dissect throughout. Have a look at the other essays on this thread to see what I mean, or search for my own discovery essay in the "Free notes" section (Advanced English) of the site here. You say that your expression is what lacks, but for me that is actually quite good! It is the structure to me that needs working on. Once the structure is fixed, your words will have more impact and direction!
Post back upon editing, if you do! :) Good luck :)
Post by: chuckiecheese on March 06, 2016, 05:55:44 pm
Any help would be great!
Post by: brontem on March 06, 2016, 06:43:40 pm
I did my best to fix up according to your suggestions, and would love for you to take another look :)
thanks so much again!
Post by: Alalamc on March 06, 2016, 07:29:46 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 07, 2016, 05:32:40 pm
Well Elyse,thank you so much. You are VERY helpful. I totally agree about everything you have said and will improve on them. I tried writing this essay in 40 minutes for my half yearly exam and so I understand about the clarity. Once again thankyou for being able to take the time and look through my essay in such a short amount of time😁😁😁
That's okay! I'm glad we are both agreeing on the features of your essay! That is a very impressive effort for exam conditions this early on in the course, you should be very proud :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 07, 2016, 05:38:51 pm
Thesis ideas for the question: ‘Significant discoveries surprise and challenge’. How is that idea conveyed in ‘The Tempest’ and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Any help would be great!
Hey! So, I don't know the Tempest well and I don't know what your ORT is, so I of course don't know what that is either haha. What I will do is give you some examples of thesis statements and you can kind of mix and match sections and hopefully find one that gives you an idea of how to write your own thesis :)
'Significant discoveries surprise and challenge’
- Although discoveries may be carefully planned, they may have the capacity to surprise and challenge the individual nonetheless.
- The surprising and challenging nature of discovery may have the ability to be transformative of an individual's perception of the world around them.
- The once understood notions of reality/identity may be altered by the surprising and challenging nature of discoveries.
- The evolution of one's perception may be accelerated by significant discoveries that challenge and surprise.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 07, 2016, 06:40:47 pm
Hi Elyse! Thanks so much for your feedback, a fresh set of eyes can really help point out areas of improvement :)
I did my best to fix up according to your suggestions, and would love for you to take another look :)
thanks so much again!
Hey again Brontem :) Thanks for appreciating this! Because I appreciate you joining our community :)
Here is your new and improved essay:
Spoiler
Discovery can offer a new and exciting perception of one’s own physical and spiritual capabilities, but an individuals reconsideration of themselves and their position in society can result in discoveries which can be confronting and brutal. Kate Chopin’s The Awakening represents the fulfilling discoveries which could only be once an individual decides to reconsider the reality around them or make the effort to deeply explore beyond the realms of comfort. Chopin examines the relationship between the individual, particularly women, and society through Edna’s emancipatory quest for freedom, self-fulfilment and liberation. The Awakening traces Edna’s movement from ignorance of individuality to the pursuit of knowledge and uncovering autonomy, whereby the brutal discovery that such freedom will always be denied inevitably destroys her. Similarly, Kim Ho’s short film the language of love explores the ideas of renewed perceptions through the perspective of a modern homosexual teen, who struggles upon discovering his true sexual identity due to the stigma placed on non-conformist relationships. The discoveries made by each individual have the potential to be intensely meaningful and stimulate new ideas in the discoverer.
A discovery and its impacts can arise unexpectedly, resulting in an initially positive outcome. Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’s experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity. Both Ho and Chopin employ the sudden and unexpected nature of their protagonists discoveries to emphasise the positive impacts of their outcome.
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal discoveries. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. Haunting musical intonation of "Charlies a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life. The confronting, destructive nature of discoveries due to contextual burdens forces both Charlie and Edna to reconsider their values and perceptions of themselves in society.
A discovery and its impacts can arise unexpectedly, resulting in an initially positive outcome. Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery representing her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’s experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity. Both Ho and Chopin employ the sudden and unexpected nature of their protagonists discoveries to emphasise the positive impacts of their outcome.
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal discoveries. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. Haunting musical intonation of "Charlies a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna uncovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life. The confronting, destructive nature of discoveries due to contextual burdens forces both Charlie and Edna to reconsider their values and perceptions of themselves in society.
Here is your essay with my writing in bold:
Spoiler
Discovery can offer a new and exciting perception of one’s own physical and spiritual capabilities, but an individuals reconsideration of themselves and their position in society can result in discoveries which can be confronting and brutal. This is such a big improvement. However, I will suggest another improvement :P I think you need to split this first sentence in half. It should end up looking like this: "Discoveries can offer a new and exciting perception of one's own physical and spiritual capabilities. These discoveries may be brutal and confronting, particularly when an individual reconsiders their perception of their own identity and their position in society." I've added a few words here or there to make it more alike to the rubric. Kate Chopin’s The Awakening represents (not sure about represents. Displays, observes, exhibits, shows, manifests...) the fulfilling discoveries which could may only be experienced once an individual decides to reconsiders the reality around them or make the effort to deeply explore beyond the realms of comfort. This last underlined part is a bit of an awkward end. The reason being, is that the sentence is already very long and you are adding another clause. You have the choice of leaving the end off or setting it up as a new sentence.Chopin examines the relationship between selected individualsd, particularly women, and society through the protagonist,Edna’s, emancipatory quest for freedom, self-fulfilment and liberation. The Awakening traces Edna’s movement from ignorance of individuality to the pursuit of knowledge and uncovering autonomy, whereby the brutal discovery that such freedom will always be denied inevitably destroys her.Although I like the sentence that precedes my own, if you had to cut a sentence, it would be this one. Just because it does do a bit of story-retell. However, I do like it because you relate it very well to discovery. So I'm conflicted haha. Similarly, Kim Ho’s short film the language of love explores the ideas of renewed perceptions through the perspective of a modern homosexual teen, who struggles upon discovering his true sexual identity due to the stigma placed on non-conformist relationships. The discoveries made by each individual have the potential to be intensely meaningful and stimulate new ideas in the discoverer. YASSS! This is what I'm talking about! You need this kind of thing to tie in the introduction. This reads so much better now.
A discovery and its impacts can arise unexpectedly, potentially resulting in an initially positive outcome. Yesssss! Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imageryrepresenting mirroring her optimistic discovery of the possibility of sexual freedom. Edna’s budding hidden sexual desire is portrayed in the phallic symbolism of "slimy lizards", her eventual spiritual fulfilment reinforced with animalistic imagery in the simile "like a sleek animal waking up in the sun". Similarly, Charlie’sOkay, this is my introduction to Charlie. You need to introduce him as the protagonist (if he is?) of the second text. experiences of an unexpected discovery come as a result of uncovering previously unexplored feelings for his friend Sam. The sudden nature of Charlie's discovery is highlighted by his environment; the bleak and quiet regimented setting of the hall is juxtaposed by the light shining on his face; light symbolising Charlie discovering his own hidden sexuality. I think this sentence is a great opportunity to link between texts. You talk about the light imagery above in the first text. So if you re-arrange your sentence a bit, you might be able to go for a link between texts, mid sentence. This could be as simple as "the light imagery, also observed in The Awakening, ..." It isn't a necessity of course, but if you can do it seamlessly it will show a very deep link between the texts. Through incorporation of foreign language, Ho draws parallels with Charlie’s discovery of feelings which were previously unknown. The heteroglossia (?) of the French language highlights Charlie’s uncovering of his artistic and creative abilities due to his renewed perception of his sexual identity. Both Ho and Chopin employ the sudden and unexpected nature of their protagonists discoveries to emphasise the positive impacts of their outcome.
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal discoveries. I seem to be a really big fan of cutting your thesis statements in half haha. This one works, but it is a lot to take in, which is why I would keep the end clause as a new sentence. But, this is something that won't mark you down, it will just improve the clarity of your understanding of discovery. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. This is another sentence that would benefit from being cut in half :P Haunting musical intonation of "Charlie's a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Ednauncovers discovers the reality that she will forever be imprisoned by domestic roles in a patriarchal society. The inevitable destruction of Edna’s quest for autonomy is demonstrated through the motif of light, "the lamp spluttered and went out" symbolising Edna’s final brutal discovery that such freedom that she desired cannot be realised for a woman in her context. Although Edna achieved social and spiritual awakening, she is devastated when she uncovers that such a life will never come to fruition; the "bird with a broken wing, beating the air above" is symbolic of society's defeat over Edna in her quest for spiritual liberty despite having "the soul that dares and defies". Edna's pursuit for freedom and her inevitable defeat were embodied by the cyclical nature of the ocean - symbolising society's unbroken pattern of heavy patriarchal and restrictive burdens. Upon the realisation that she will never live autonomously, Edna reconsiders her position in the universe and is ultimately destroyed by her quest, demonstrated through Edna taking her own life. The confronting, destructive nature of discoveries due to contextual burdens forces both Charlie and Edna to reconsider their values and perceptions of themselves in society.
A discovery and its impacts can arise unexpectedly, potentially resulting in an initially positive outcome. Yesssss! Chopin demonstrates the positive nature of such discoveries through the experiences of Edna uncovering her own hidden sensuous desires. It was amidst strong contextual change during the fin de siecle era that The Awakening was crafted, in a time where women were still restricted by the patriarchy, and artists explored the possibility of women being physically and spiritually free. Edna initially is filled with a "vague anguish", as her husbands "gangrene passion" has left her physically incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled. Chopin indicates the uncovering of Edna’s sexual liberation, "a certain light beginning to dawn within her" with light imagery
Society's scrutiny of individuals who defy the norm can hinder one's progression to fulfilment; such societal burdens can lead to brutal discoveries. I seem to be a really big fan of cutting your thesis statements in half haha. This one works, but it is a lot to take in, which is why I would keep the end clause as a new sentence. But, this is something that won't mark you down, it will just improve the clarity of your understanding of discovery. Ho demonstrates societies brutal conquer over Charlie through the theomorphic description of his friends "they howled me down", as Charlie begins to reconsider his position in society as a result of discovering that he is part of the minority. This is another sentence that would benefit from being cut in half :P Haunting musical intonation of "Charlie's a poofta" connotes Charlie's devastation as he discovers that he will never be accepted by the wider society. Ho employs a flashback to emphasize Charlie’s discovery that he will never be able to achieve emotional fulfilment; flash cutting emphasising the confronting nature of such discovery. Charlie’s elation is destroyed by the discovery he will forever be supressed, Charlie’s shameful tone in “they’d never let me forget how gay I’d acted” represents his final brutal discovery that he will never achieve fulfilment. Likewise, Edna continuously attempts to remove the shackles of society through her quest for autonomy, Chopin foreshadowing the impossibility of such freedom as a "delicious, grotesque, impossible dream". Tragic irony in "pigeon house" emphasizes the impossibility of total spiritual and emotional freedom, as Edna
WOW! WOW!
This has come so far, even with just a few changes! Your textual analysis is really thorough, I'm very impressed. You also present a very well integrated essay. I would like to see what you can do with a conclusion. I know you want to make it up on the spot, but it helps to have a "perfect" one back at home on paper so that you at least know how the conclusion should be formatted when you are in an exam.
I think you are using American English with "emphasize." It is emphasise in Australian English :) (Small flaw - nothing major!!!! Your Microsoft Word but be set to American English and actually autocorrect it.)
Hopefully what I've said has made sense. I'd also be interested in hearing what your teacher has to say about this. Because you have come so far so quickly, it is important to touch base with someone other than me. Then once you gain their feedback, change up the essay, feel free to send it back! We are getting to a stage where there is very little to fix up. I think part of this is because I'm not looking at it with fresh eyes because I've seen it twice now, but majorly because it is really good!
When is the next time that you can gain teacher feedback? Is it after the half yearly? Or before? :)
Post by: brontem on March 08, 2016, 12:19:28 pm
We had to write a half essay in with just the prescribed text (the awakening) and it was marked on that (it was given 16/20 with critiques as "work the terms more"), we were told our related texts can't be marked, which is why I came here :)
The exam is on Friday, and I cant hand it back in because of the related text, so next time I get teacher feedback will be after the exam; but you've definitely helped me so much. I've split some of those thesis parts in half and added the minor tweaks you've suggested and I'm confident that I'll be able to manipulate it according to the question on the day (I'll also write a conclusion as a mock-up so I know where I'm heading). All I've done is adopted your minor tweaks so it reads how you imagined, so I'm not sure if you'd want to see it again?
Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it :)
Post by: lowrifunnell on March 08, 2016, 12:37:50 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 09, 2016, 08:28:06 am
Hey! thanks so much for the help, I feel wayyy more confident in my essay now :)
We had to write a half essay in with just the prescribed text (the awakening) and it was marked on that (it was given 16/20 with critiques as "work the terms more"), we were told our related texts can't be marked, which is why I came here :)
The exam is on Friday, and I cant hand it back in because of the related text, so next time I get teacher feedback will be after the exam; but you've definitely helped me so much. I've split some of those thesis parts in half and added the minor tweaks you've suggested and I'm confident that I'll be able to manipulate it according to the question on the day (I'll also write a conclusion as a mock-up so I know where I'm heading). All I've done is adopted your minor tweaks so it reads how you imagined, so I'm not sure if you'd want to see it again?
Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it :)
Okay! Awesome :) It really is my pleasure. I love seeing essays improve through time :) Right now, I think it is best that you go into your exam with the essay you have. Right now, it isn't as much about fixing the preparation as it is adjusting in an exam. Hopefully you'll get some great feedback from your teacher. I mean, if she gave you 16/20 before, and you've improved so much, you're now just being testing on your ORT and your adaptation in the exam. When you get this feedback, absolutely feel free to post back because I'd be really interested!
You're doing so well :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 09, 2016, 09:05:35 am
hi again!! so i've tried fixing up most of my essay from the feedback you gave me (thank you very much for that, it was extremely helpful!!), but I'm still struggling with being concise with my points and just rehashing over the same information, i was wondering if you could help me out again? thank you so much!!!
Hello again! I'm glad that this is helping you, I really am!
Same as last time, here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Personal discoveries may change one’s perception of themselves and their place in society. In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a discovery of her autonomous existence that brings with it the discovery that it is in fact impossible The context of the society will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery useless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran. Both discoveries result in new understandings and perceptions of identity and society. (Is this too rubric-y??)
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and cause the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening uses connotations of awakening to emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal nature of her discovery. It is revealing her autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century in America, where women were confined by patriarchal society, whilst Fin de Siecle literature presented women with more freedom and independence. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the impossibility of her freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, Edna “stood naked in the open air" prior to her suicide, displaying an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she discovered the potential of liberation and was destroyed.
The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for her need for freedom, and provides an insight into Marjane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not harmonious with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the monochromatic colours of the movie when Marjane is wearing the veil, and the transition to colour when she removes it. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less of a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroys Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self.
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and cause the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening uses connotations of awakening to emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly, the line “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. She has discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal nature of her discovery. It is revealing her autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century in America, where women were confined by patriarchal society, whilst Fin de Siecle literature presented women with more freedom and independence. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the impossibility of her freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, Edna “stood naked in the open air" prior to her suicide, displaying an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she discovered the potential of liberation and was destroyed.
The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society. Towards the beginning of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for her need for freedom, and provides an insight into Marjane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for the future. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not harmonious with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea is further demonstrated by the monochromatic colours of the movie when Marjane is wearing the veil, and the transition to colour when she removes it. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less of a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroys Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self.
This time, I will be deeper with my comments, more specific if I can, in bold text:
Spoiler
Personal discoveries may change one’s perception of themselves and their place in society. In an exam, you would address the question with a "secondary" thesis statement that supports the first, but directly deals with the question.In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a discovery of her autonomous existence that brings with it the discovery that it is in fact impossible. Perhaps try "In The Awakening, the protagonist, Edna, makes a dual discovery that she has an autonomous existence, but also that it is suppressed by society." All I've done here is linked the two discoveries with "dual" so that you can clearly relate that one was discovered after the other, whilst also being kind of simultaneous. The oppressive? Traditional? Patriarchal? context of the society will not allow her to be independent, rendering her initial emotional discovery regarding her autonomous existenceuseless and ultimately, destructive. Additionally, the film Persepolis (2007) directed by Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi, follows a young girl, Marjane, growing up during the Islamic Revolution, as she discovers her identity and sense of self, before discovering that this identity does not conform to the social expectations of post-revolutionist Iran. Both discoveries result in new understandings and perceptions of identity and society. (Is this too rubric-y??) To kind of make it sound less rubric-y I'd just add an extra little something in there. Kind of like this: "Both discoveries, although different in context, result in new understandings and perceptions of identity and society." This definitely isn't perfect, but do you see what I mean about adding a little something in there that brings it out of the rubric and into the texts, without actually specifying textual details? However, this is me being picky. In an exam situation, your original last sentence would fly without question, I'd imagine.
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and cause the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening uses connotations of awakening to emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. You don't have to use this at all, but I will suggest this. The word "titular" means relating to the title. So, to express your sentence more concisely in an exam in less words, you could change this sentence to be, "The titular connotations of "The Awakening" emphasise that Edna was blind..." By using titular, you can arrange the syntax in a way to sound clearer and more sophisticated. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly,the line I try to avoid saying "the line, the quote, this..." Instead, try "Similarly, Edna's declaration, "I wouldn't give myself," symbolises..." “I wouldn’t give myself” symbolises the moment when she gains a sense of agency. love that you're switching between agency, autonomy, etc. She has discovered an autonomous sense of self and she will not surrender it for any patriarchal demands. Likewise, towards the beginning of Edna’s discovery, “a certain light was beginning to dawn dimly within her”. The subject of the sentence is the light, rather than Edna herself (here, I feel like you need to be more technical with the literary techniques at play. Specifically, you need to talk about noun placement. You can do a quick google search on this to see how syntax, particularly noun placement, alters the subject of the sentence. I feel like you already know this, because you've pointed it out above. Now, you just need to be concise in the language works at play. The fact that the light is “within her” symbolises the internal nature of her discovery. Awesome point! It is revealing her autonomous self, and changing her perception of her identity. Furthermore, the listing style/format of adverbs and past participles in “idly, aimlessly, unthinking and unguided” (Unguided is the only past participle here. Idly, aimlessly and unthinking are all adverbs. But, so is unguided. So really, you could take out the past participle part.emphasises that Edna is experiencing a vast freedom of choice, roaming through limitless possibilities. She has decided to be autonomous and reject social conventions. In these last two sentences, you probably want to consider explicitly saying DISCOVERY so that the marker feels like you have rounded your argument back.
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century in America, where women were confined by patriarchal society, whilst Fin de Siecle literature presented women with more freedom and independence. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the impossibility of her freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, Edna “stood naked in the open air" prior to her suicide, displaying an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she discovered the potential of liberation and was destroyed. I like this paragraph because it links well to the second part of the discovery in this text: the realisation about society! But I can't LOVE this paragraph because you solely talk about the bird motif as your strongest textual reference. It is essentially a weak paragraph because of it, yet it holds powerful ideas. It is possible that when you receive an essay question, this paragraph will be a lot more guided. However, I still would try and get your hands on some more textual references, even small ones, to strengthen this.
The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society.Towards the beginning This bit here is a bit clumsy. of the film, Marjane is given a swan made of bread by her uncle, whom she greatly respects. The swan is a symbol for her need for freedom, and provides an insight into Marjane’s main ideals, and gives her hope for the future. Awesome, this is a sentence packed full of great insight. Similar to Edna, as Marjane begins to discover her identity, she experiences struggles and difficulties in fitting in with society, demonstrated through the motif of music. Marjane has to buy her tapes on the black market as they are forbidden in her society. The tapes symbolise the struggles involved in coming of age and discovering herself. Finally, Marjane begins to discover that her identity is not congruous with society’s idea of women. She wants “to be an educated, liberated woman. And if the pursuit of knowledge meant getting cancer, so be it”. This is a reference Ask your teacher if they think this constitutes an "allusion." By dictionary definition, it is, so you can replace "reference" for "allusion." However, some teachers dispute that it can be non-religious. I would say it is an allusion. to Marie Curie, who died of radiation poisoning due to her research on radioactivity. Marjane is recognising that her newly discovered freedom comes at a price.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not harmonious with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea/irony is further demonstrated by the monochromatic colours of the movie when Marjane is wearing the veil, and the transition to colour when she removes it. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less of a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroys Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self. I really like this last idea. This is what you could use as the last paragraph of your introduction even? Well, this kind of idea. The non-rubric-y bit would be the reference to the two having different reactions to the discovery.
Discoveries can result in a change of perspective of one’s identity, and cause the realisation of a more independent, autonomous self. The title of the novel, The Awakening uses connotations of awakening to emphasises that Edna was blind, but is now fully awake, fully aware of herself and society. You don't have to use this at all, but I will suggest this. The word "titular" means relating to the title. So, to express your sentence more concisely in an exam in less words, you could change this sentence to be, "The titular connotations of "The Awakening" emphasise that Edna was blind..." By using titular, you can arrange the syntax in a way to sound clearer and more sophisticated. Although this discovery is only a change in opinion of herself, and therefore cannot be true nor false, the title reveals that it is correct. Similarly,
Whilst it is possible to discover a previously hidden identity, that identity may not be harmonious with the context's social ideas. The Awakening was written at the end of the 19th century in America, where women were confined by patriarchal society, whilst Fin de Siecle literature presented women with more freedom and independence. Edna’s ultimate discovery of the impossibility of her freedom due to societal constraints, brings about her death. The “caged bird” towards the beginning of the novel introduces the bird motif, and foreshadows the restrictions society will place on Edna’s freedom. She is liberated by her sexual, social and spiritual awakening, but also discovers the impossibility of achieving this awakened life. Likewise, the “language which nobody understood, unless it was the mockingbird” uses the motif of birds to continue to emphasise Edna’s cry for freedom. Edna becomes isolated because her way of thinking is not congruous with society’s. At the end of the novel, Edna “stood naked in the open air" prior to her suicide, displaying an ironic duality, in that it exposes her, but gives her freedom. She was protected by society, but she discovered the potential of liberation and was destroyed. I like this paragraph because it links well to the second part of the discovery in this text: the realisation about society! But I can't LOVE this paragraph because you solely talk about the bird motif as your strongest textual reference. It is essentially a weak paragraph because of it, yet it holds powerful ideas. It is possible that when you receive an essay question, this paragraph will be a lot more guided. However, I still would try and get your hands on some more textual references, even small ones, to strengthen this.
The film Persepolis is also a testament to the notion that the discovery of one's identity may not be fostered in restrictive societies. The film demonstrates the challenges faced in an attempt to discover an identity whilst having to conform with a tyrannical society.
As Marjane discovers her role in society as a woman and as a person, she also discovers that how she sees herself is not harmonious with society's perception of women. The recurring motif of the veil that Marjane has to wear in Iran is symbolic of society’s oppression of women, supported by the ironic statement taught in schools, that “the veil is synonymous with freedom”. This idea/irony is further demonstrated by the monochromatic colours of the movie when Marjane is wearing the veil, and the transition to colour when she removes it. For Marjane, the veil symbolises the idea that, due to being a woman, she is less of a person. Following this discovery, she is prescribed medication for depression. Much like in The Awakening, society believes that anything that challenges the social norms is an illness that must be cured. Finally, the powerful conclusion to the film, where Marjane is asked where she is from, and she replies “Iran” demonstrates the final outcome of Marjane’s discovery. Whilst she is fully Iranian, and the country is inextricably linked to her newly discovered personality, she has also discovered that she cannot exist there. Both Edna and Marjane discover that their identities are not synonymous with society’s paradigms, but whilst this destroys Edna, Marjane survives and continues to discover her autonomous self. I really like this last idea. This is what you could use as the last paragraph of your introduction even? Well, this kind of idea. The non-rubric-y bit would be the reference to the two having different reactions to the discovery.
This has improved so much, I'm so proud :')
I'm interested to know how you go in your half yearly exam. Keep in touch, take the feedback or leave it, let me know what you think about the piece at this stage. The next step, after your next edit, might be to leave it after half yearlies and wait for the teacher feedback. Then, based on that, you should be able to take another big step forward in creating a polished work!
Post by: lowrifunnell on March 09, 2016, 02:46:16 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 09, 2016, 04:03:58 pm
Hey again! :) thank you so so so much for all the feedback!! I've edited my essay and now feel super duper confident in it, thank you sooooo much!! I'll let you know how it goes in the half yearlies :)
This makes me so happy to hear! Best of luck!
Post by: jkkke on March 09, 2016, 05:50:09 pm
Post by: aamyylouiisee on March 09, 2016, 10:07:38 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 11, 2016, 07:21:18 am
Hey thankyou for the feedback on my last draft helped my understanding of discovery better. I've changes the thesis to match my half yearly question was wondering about how you said start each paragraph with discovery text, I tried to but felt like I was repeating myself I tried to incorporating the text and question into the first line. Also realised I say this ....... a lot and was wondering for any ways to avoid this. My teacher said to add in a brief 1-2 sentence intro to each text but I cant really fit it in as my word limit is already 1100 words, is there any places I could cut it down? Tanks heaps :}
Hey! I'll specifically comment on the thesis and the intro the paragraphs this time so we can see what is and isn't working.
Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Individuals may need to possess an inner power of power and resilience to overcome adversity in a way that leads to discoveries. These discoveries may be challenging but can also lead to new understandings of themselves and their surroundings. In the play ‘Away’ by Micheal Gow and the movie ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ by Jonathan Dayton, the characters discover their inner facades and materialistic views and go through challenges to overcome them, which ultimately leads them to a better understanding of life.
In the play “Away’, Gwen discovers that her way of thinking can be changed to value her family rather than an artificial perception of beauty which enhances her life. At the start of the film Gwen values materialistic possessions and stresses the smaller things in life which is demonstrated in her bitter tone ‘I hope no one expects to take any of my good towels to the beach. Throughout the play, Gwen reveal the reasons for her attitudes during an argument with her daughter Meg with emotive language ‘Sacrificed! Gone without. Gone through hardships so what happened to us will never happen to you. So you’ll never see what we saw- never, never, never’, this demonstrates Gwen’s experience throughout the depression which has carried her and led her to place money so highly she has become close minded which is damaging her relationships. After losing her possessions in the storm, it allows Gwen to reassess her priorities in life and when walking to the water with Jims says ‘No. Let’s walk. Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm.’ The water is symbolic of Gwen’s change and she is now ready to cleanse herself and discover happiness and love. Throughout the play, Gwen discovers her materialistic views lead to her relationships being damaged and once discarding her artificial values she was able to build stronger relationships in her life seen in her heartfelt apology ‘I’m sorry…’ She therefore discovered a better understanding of herself after going through adversity.
In the film “Little Miss Sunshine’ Richard resembles Gwen as he discards his materialistic and artificial views and builds a stronger relationship with his family. In the opening scene of the film when Richard is delivering a speech the low angled close up shot of his passionate face saying ‘There are two types of people in this world. ‘Winners and losers’ which conveys that he is a stereotypical motivational speaker and puts on an enthusiastic fascade. When the family are eating ice cream Richard educates his daughter about the fat content in ice-cream with a close up shot ‘Olive, if you eat a lot of ice cream you might become fat’ this displays Richards’s commercial ideas as he is highly concerned about image .Throughout the movie Richard continues with his materialistic views as he but after his father’s death he says ‘Are we winners or losers’ his tone revealing that he is starting to lose faith in his philosophy and no longer says it with conviction much like Gwen who loses conviction in her discriminatory comments. When Richard reconnects with his family he loses his false sense of beauty and the family all enjoy their unique attributes which is demonstrated as they all dance on stage to the background song ‘I’m a super freak. In the end Richard discovers the unimportance of outward appearances and begins to value inner beauty and relates to the people that surround him
In ‘Away’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ the characters Coral and Dwayne both experience depression and do not fit in to the social norms of society. Coral is grief stricken from the death of her son in Vietnam which is revealed in her soliloquy ‘All these children playing and me sitting in the dark wiping away tears’, her inability to heal has created a rift between her and her husband. Coral tries to put on a facade that she is well and when speaking to Rick uses the repetition ‘I’m much better, much better’ which conveys that Coral is trying to conform to social expectations and convince herself and her husband that she is healing. During the play she meets Rick and Tom who help to rediscover her identity. Tom helps her to move on when they perform a play together that reflects understanding that she can no longer be with her so and must move. The figurative language ‘I’m walking!’,I’,m walking!’ Coral begins healing and reconciliation of her new self. Coral goes from being a grief stricken depressed Mum to rediscovering a new understanding of herself and not worry about conforming to society’s needs. She also found a relationship with Rick who helps her communicate with others better and strengthens her marriage with Roy. Coral and Roy went through challenges together which leads better understand each other and reinforces their relationship.
Dwayne in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ is also depressed and disengaged from society. He ‘hates everyone which is conveyed in a close up shot of him purposely writing ‘I hate everyone’ and then angrily underlining ‘everyone’. The family embark on a road trip where they are forced to communicate and work together to get Olive to her beauty contest. Olive tests Dwayne for a colour-blindness test and reveals that he is colour-blind which is emphasised by Frank who says ‘You can’t fly jets if you’re colour-blind’ this destroys everything Dwayne has been working towards and was his only way to escape his dysfunctional family but as his family rediscovers their bond, he begins to accept the outcome. Dwayne and Frank discuss the struggles and depressions of life and a mid-shot of Dwayne yelling with conviction ‘Life is just one beauty contest after another. If I want to fly, I’ll fly’. This demonstrates Dwayne’s value to his family and their uniqueness discovers his drive to succeed despite the obstacles. Dwayne begins as an alienated, depressed teenager and discovers that regardless of obstacles and social norms he will find a way and will not give up. He also now values and appreciates his family who he now dances with after discovering a love for them.
To gain a better understanding of life and people that surround you, an individual must go through challenges to ultimately lead to a discovery. All the characters in these texts went through a discovery and found renewed perception of themselves which took inner courage. Gwen and Richard realised that family and friendships are important and not to worry about a false sense of beauty. Dwayne and Coral overcome depression and social norms to enjoy life and not care about social expectations. All characters emerge with a better understanding of the world and people in their lives. This has changed the way I now view the world as it conveys that if a person has the courage to overcome a challenge that happens in life it can lead to a new understanding of the world and offer a rediscovery of yourself.
In the play “Away’, Gwen discovers that her way of thinking can be changed to value her family rather than an artificial perception of beauty which enhances her life. At the start of the film Gwen values materialistic possessions and stresses the smaller things in life which is demonstrated in her bitter tone ‘I hope no one expects to take any of my good towels to the beach. Throughout the play, Gwen reveal the reasons for her attitudes during an argument with her daughter Meg with emotive language ‘Sacrificed! Gone without. Gone through hardships so what happened to us will never happen to you. So you’ll never see what we saw- never, never, never’, this demonstrates Gwen’s experience throughout the depression which has carried her and led her to place money so highly she has become close minded which is damaging her relationships. After losing her possessions in the storm, it allows Gwen to reassess her priorities in life and when walking to the water with Jims says ‘No. Let’s walk. Come on, down to the water. The water’s so warm.’ The water is symbolic of Gwen’s change and she is now ready to cleanse herself and discover happiness and love. Throughout the play, Gwen discovers her materialistic views lead to her relationships being damaged and once discarding her artificial values she was able to build stronger relationships in her life seen in her heartfelt apology ‘I’m sorry…’ She therefore discovered a better understanding of herself after going through adversity.
In the film “Little Miss Sunshine’ Richard resembles Gwen as he discards his materialistic and artificial views and builds a stronger relationship with his family. In the opening scene of the film when Richard is delivering a speech the low angled close up shot of his passionate face saying ‘There are two types of people in this world. ‘Winners and losers’ which conveys that he is a stereotypical motivational speaker and puts on an enthusiastic fascade. When the family are eating ice cream Richard educates his daughter about the fat content in ice-cream with a close up shot ‘Olive, if you eat a lot of ice cream you might become fat’ this displays Richards’s commercial ideas as he is highly concerned about image .Throughout the movie Richard continues with his materialistic views as he but after his father’s death he says ‘Are we winners or losers’ his tone revealing that he is starting to lose faith in his philosophy and no longer says it with conviction much like Gwen who loses conviction in her discriminatory comments. When Richard reconnects with his family he loses his false sense of beauty and the family all enjoy their unique attributes which is demonstrated as they all dance on stage to the background song ‘I’m a super freak. In the end Richard discovers the unimportance of outward appearances and begins to value inner beauty and relates to the people that surround him
In ‘Away’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ the characters Coral and Dwayne both experience depression and do not fit in to the social norms of society. Coral is grief stricken from the death of her son in Vietnam which is revealed in her soliloquy ‘All these children playing and me sitting in the dark wiping away tears’, her inability to heal has created a rift between her and her husband. Coral tries to put on a facade that she is well and when speaking to Rick uses the repetition ‘I’m much better, much better’ which conveys that Coral is trying to conform to social expectations and convince herself and her husband that she is healing. During the play she meets Rick and Tom who help to rediscover her identity. Tom helps her to move on when they perform a play together that reflects understanding that she can no longer be with her so and must move. The figurative language ‘I’m walking!’,I’,m walking!’ Coral begins healing and reconciliation of her new self. Coral goes from being a grief stricken depressed Mum to rediscovering a new understanding of herself and not worry about conforming to society’s needs. She also found a relationship with Rick who helps her communicate with others better and strengthens her marriage with Roy. Coral and Roy went through challenges together which leads better understand each other and reinforces their relationship.
Dwayne in ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ is also depressed and disengaged from society. He ‘hates everyone which is conveyed in a close up shot of him purposely writing ‘I hate everyone’ and then angrily underlining ‘everyone’. The family embark on a road trip where they are forced to communicate and work together to get Olive to her beauty contest. Olive tests Dwayne for a colour-blindness test and reveals that he is colour-blind which is emphasised by Frank who says ‘You can’t fly jets if you’re colour-blind’ this destroys everything Dwayne has been working towards and was his only way to escape his dysfunctional family but as his family rediscovers their bond, he begins to accept the outcome. Dwayne and Frank discuss the struggles and depressions of life and a mid-shot of Dwayne yelling with conviction ‘Life is just one beauty contest after another. If I want to fly, I’ll fly’. This demonstrates Dwayne’s value to his family and their uniqueness discovers his drive to succeed despite the obstacles. Dwayne begins as an alienated, depressed teenager and discovers that regardless of obstacles and social norms he will find a way and will not give up. He also now values and appreciates his family who he now dances with after discovering a love for them.
To gain a better understanding of life and people that surround you, an individual must go through challenges to ultimately lead to a discovery. All the characters in these texts went through a discovery and found renewed perception of themselves which took inner courage. Gwen and Richard realised that family and friendships are important and not to worry about a false sense of beauty. Dwayne and Coral overcome depression and social norms to enjoy life and not care about social expectations. All characters emerge with a better understanding of the world and people in their lives. This has changed the way I now view the world as it conveys that if a person has the courage to overcome a challenge that happens in life it can lead to a new understanding of the world and offer a rediscovery of yourself.
Here is your introduction:
Individuals may need to possess an inner power of power and resilience to overcome adversity in a way that leads to discoveries. These discoveries may be challenging but can also lead to new understandings of themselves and their surroundings.
Each body paragraph needs a non-text related introduction that relates to discovery. You won't feel like you're repeating yourself if you take a slightly altered approach to the thesis as you go through. Also, use synonyms! You can also break up your essay body.
The first paragraph could be about individuals needing a power and resilience. The second paragraph could be about the challenging nature of these discoveries. The third paragraph could be about the new understandings. This would mean that you need an integrated essay.
Look at the rubric and feel really comfortable with it. This way, in an exam you are readily equipped with the words of the rubric so that you can throw them into your response in an exam.
Often, it isn't a good idea that students relate their thesis to the essay question before going in. I say this because, if you have a double-barrelled thesis statement ready, and then you get given an essay question to also guide your essay, you have enough variation in discovery vocabulary that you can feel like you're not repeating yourself. This was the technique I always took. So I would go into the exam with two thesis statements ready like what you have already. Then, when the essay question would come, I'd weave it through. This meant that I had something else to direct my paragraphs with other than the original thesis.
Now, this isn't easy. Which is why I think the best way to prepare is to have your two stand alone thesis statements, and then find past papers (or make up your own essay questions based on the rubric) and move through the essay seeing if you can incorporate that. This builds up the skill of incorporating on the spot.
If this sounds daunting to you, I suggest you prepare a third thesis statement that works as a supplement to the rest. You may not need to use this in the exam, but if you feel like you are repeating yourself throughout, you should use this as a way of giving yourself diversity.
You must start your body paragraph with a discovery sentence, it makes sure the marker knows that you know what you are talking about in terms of discovery!
Let me know if this makes sense to you. It is a daunting/big thing to do, but I think it is best. You can let me know what you think. Don't be afraid to message me again! :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 11, 2016, 07:43:28 am
Could you please tell me if my structure is good so far, if its any good and if I need to focus on anything!
Hey Amy!
Here is your essay so far:
Spoiler
Discovery refers to the process where existing knowledge is evaluated, challenged and rebuilt with new information. People must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical and intellectual and may affected people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Racquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the Marsudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “Tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis.
BODY 1
The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and ‘boat people’. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the ‘views’ of Australian people and where sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a ‘boat person’. In the first episode Racquel clearly states her beliefs when she say’s “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”.
BODY 1
The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and ‘boat people’. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the ‘views’ of Australian people and where sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a ‘boat person’. In the first episode Racquel clearly states her beliefs when she say’s “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”.
Here are my annotations:
Discovery refers to the process where existing knowledge is evaluated, challenged and rebuilt with new information. AWESOME! People must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical and intellectual and may affected people differently.If you mention emotional, physical and intellectual, you have to be sure that they will feature in the rest of the essay. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. This introduction is different because I spend my time on here telling every person that they need to lengthen their discovery concepts in the intro. Here you are with four sentences! Each of your ideas of discovery are very rich. I do suggest that you try cut it to three. Your last sentence is quite short, so you can add it to the sentence introducing the textbook or you can connect it with the one that precedes it. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Racquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. I would put "boat people" in speech marks. They also faced emotional trauma in the Marsudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. If you had to cut a sentence from this paragraph it would be the one I put in italics. This is because it is story re-tell, and is better suited for a body paragraph.In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “Tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. People have different opinions about the inclusive first person in an AOS essay. To avoid conflicting opinions, I just left it out entirely in my own essay. You can replace "we" with readers.
BODY 1
You have so many statements above about discovery. You need to start your body paragraphs with a discovery related sentence. So you re-word your thesis statement (or weave in the essay question) into the start of each body paragraph. You choose the one that you will explore specifically in the paragraph.The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and ‘boat people’. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the ‘views’ of Australian people and where sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a ‘boat person’. In the first episode Racquel clearly states her beliefs when she say’s “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an Aussie place anymore”.
Hopefully what I've said about the thesis statement makes sense! Each body paragraph should be directed by one in order to maximise the mark you leave on the reader regarding your understanding of DISCOVERY. However, the ideas your expressed in your introduction about discovery are so, so awesome. So you should definitely continue to use them throughout.
If you haven't already, here is an essay I wrote on GBTWYCF for the AOS essay! Glad to see someone else doing the same text, finally! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 20, 2016, 03:52:15 am
Hi this is part of my essay on away. Im having trouble in cutting down on words. This paragraph is meant to be 200 words but its 340 words. Please help me thanks!
Hey Katherine! I've done a quick annotation of your paragraph:
Spoiler
Self-awareness gained from introspective discovery is often resisted due to fear and trauma, however, it can be prompted through the interaction with new worlds and others. Great conceptual start, though try replacing the word prompted with something different, like encouraged? In Away, Gow demonstrates Gwen’s change in perception through her unexpected loss of her materialistic possessions, which triggers an emotional discovery of her own callous and pessimistic attitude that has fractured her family relationships. Gwen’s obsession with finding security in material things stems from her traumatic experience of poverty during the Great Depression of the 1960s, which has distorted her views. Don't focus on the characters in the text, focused on how they are represented by Gow. This is exemplified in her hyperbolic tone, "We've got a new caravan…everything in it you could want" which highlights her belief that materialistic pursuits are the key to discovering happiness. Gwen is critical of Tom’s socioeconomic status, where she informs Meg that “No one asked them to come out to this country…I will not have you hanging around with that kind of life”. Gwen’s use of high modality language and a spiteful tone, convey that she is principally driven by fears of economic insecurity and thus imposes her prejudicial attitude onto on her daughter. It is not until the dramatic storm, a symbolic manifestation of chaos but also renewal, that strips away Gwen’s possessions, shattering her sense of material security, rendering her vulnerable. After she discovers Tom’s impending death, she experiences anagnorisis, and becomes aware of her abrasive manner and condescension that have allowed her to reduce relationships to mere possessions. Her moment of self-reflection is portrayed through her apologetic, humbled conversation with Jim, “I’m sorry”, and accumulated rhetorical questions "what do you think of me? You must hate me?...”. Gwen’s transformation is captured through the stage direction which marks the reconciliation of her family, whereby Meg helps Gwen by "carr[ying] in the suitcases" and Jim "embrace(s)" Gwen. These kind and affectionate gestures communicate the family’s cohesion and reconciliation after Gwen discovers the lasting significance of love beyond material worth. Through a process of re-evaluating her values, she realises that relationships cannot be reduced to mere possessions, thus culminating in a renewed perspective. Excellent conclusion!
I like this paragraph, but remember the focus should be on composer choice, not the characters themselves! It should always be the COMPOSER's use of TECHNIQUE, not the characters. To cut back, look for the sentences where you have focused on the composer (Gow) and his choices which convey meaning. The rest becomes non-essential, either scrap them or work on them some more to get the analysis there! This should hopefully have the natural side effect of trimming the fat a little bit for you.
Post by: Paigeyy on March 20, 2016, 09:47:16 am
The concerns I have with my essay are the intro. I don't believe I have a strong introduction and I'm not sure whether I've linked my thesis to each of the paragraphs.
The question we had to answer was along the lines of;
"How have the composers of both your prescribed text and related text conveyed the concept of discovery?"
Thank you!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 20, 2016, 11:09:09 am
Hey hi. Firstly I want to thank you for doing this! This whole site in specific has literally been the most helpful thing in regards to prep for half yearlies.
The concerns I have with my essay are the intro. I don't believe I have a strong introduction and I'm not sure whether I've linked my thesis to each of the paragraphs.
The question we had to answer was along the lines of;
"How have the composers of both your prescribed text and related text conveyed the concept of discovery?"
Thank you!
Hey Paige! I'm really thrilled that ATAR Notes is helping you, it makes me really happy and makes what we do worth it!
What I'll do here, is specifically look at your intro, then I'll highlight where I see your thesis in the paragraphs!
Intro:
The thematic (I'm just not sure about thematic? protean? diverse? versatile? Thematic doesn't do justice, I think) nature of discovery results in its existence in every aspect of the world and its inhabitants. They are often the catalyst for an individual’s shift in identity and perspectives, having the potential to shape the way we view the world. (Excellent use of rubric here). While these revelations may come to those who seek new knowledge, sometimes new truths are thrown upon an individual who will then interpret and adapt these to their existing understandings. These discoveries can appear in a myriad of forms that are either isolated or in collaboration with one another. (At this point, in the essay you sent me, there was a break between this first and second part of the intro. This should all be one)The late Che Guevara explores these concepts in his travel memoire, The Motorcycle Diaries. Che and his friend Alberto journey across Latin America as their curiosity leads them to unanticipated discoveries. The blog Humans of New York, composed by Brandon Stanton, exposes the collateral damage of the Syrian war on individuals who have since fled (This sentence here needs a mention of the word discovery). Both of these texts explore discovery and its impact on the individual, extending to challenge the responder in regard to their preconceived views. In all, this is an excellent introduction. What I absolutely LOVE is that you are fleshing out discovery as being versatile before you even touch the texts. This is exactly what is required of an AOS introduction!
Here are the thesis statements that start your paragaphs:
"The accumulation of multiple discoveries as a result of exploring new terrain, both physically and mentally, can contribute to the development of an individual’s identity." What would be really cool, is embedding the identity idea into the introduction, just by adding it to one of the sentences. That would make a clearer link! This thesis statement is awesome.
"While an individual can unexpectedly stumble across a discovery, sometimes the discovery is sought after in order to expand on one’s knowledge and understanding of new concepts." This one is a little more confusing. I'm not sure how it is that the person unexpectedly stumbles across something that they are seeking? You might have to tweak the words a little here to make this idea clearer.
"Discoveries are not subject to one single form and it is often that one kind of discovery will lead to new perspectives on other levels, such as emotional, spiritual, tangible and intangible." Very good!
"Sometimes the discovery of an individual forces a drastic change in their way of life, and not necessarily for the best." This is interesting, because it talks about discovery being in a negative light even though I hadn't gotten that feeling from your introduction, that you were going to talk about a negative discovery? So at this point I would go back to the intro, make sure it is encompassing of all that you want to discuss, whilst still leaving enough for you to touch on in a new voice later on!
Thanks for getting in contact, hopefully this makes sense and you understand what I'm saying. If not, definitely post back and I will rephrase my suggestions :)
Post by: Paigeyy on March 21, 2016, 11:44:24 am
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 21, 2016, 05:19:10 pm
Thank you so much for giving me criticism! It helped a lot and it was super encouraging to hear that you liked it. I understood all your critique and I've made adjustments. :)
Yay! I'm super thrilled to hear this :)
Post by: katherine123 on March 21, 2016, 09:24:27 pm
What are some possible thesis I can come up with " discoveries can allow us to speculate future possibilities"?
My intro to this question: "discoveries may challenge individuals' perceptions and broaden their understanding of self and the world, leading them to speculate upon the possible outcome of the change in their attitudes and beliefs"
For the first sentence of my intro, can i give a definition of discovery not relating to the ques, but relate it in the second sentence.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2016, 12:56:13 am
Hi, can you please take a look at m Advanced English y AOS essay for Life of Pi and Fight Club. Thanks!
Hey WLalex!! I'd be honoured, I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments, I hope it helps!! ;D
Spoiler
Each new discovery brings consequences for the individual. Discuss how the composers of your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text have explored the personal consequences of discovery.
With each new discovery, one has to accept that consequences may follow. These ramifications can be both enhancing or diminishing, forcing one to act and acknowledge a previous perception that may now be false. Discoveries can change the way one sees the world and society, propelling an individual to confront truths about themselves. Discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically with the ramifications of crossing the barrier between known and unknown resulting in a new understanding. Each new discovery won’t come without consequences. Fantastic concepts in here! I would recommend streamlining this a little bit, simplify your concept and express it in two sentences. Then, there are some things you need in your introduction that are missing. First, you need to introduce the texts (and authors) you will be discussing, and only then do you need to list what your paragraphs will be about (in a single sentence, much more concise than what you have at the moment). Finally, some kind of more conclusive sentence linking the text to the concept.
Provocative discoveries can change the way one sees the world and society. A breakthrough can hold damaging ramification as it can challenge everything that was one known, resulting in renewed perspectives that aren’t always wanted. I would suggest bringing the text and author in here, introduce it and say how it relates to your concept (which I love by the way). Ang Lee uses her beginning to emphasis the charm-like childhood Pi has grown up around, with up beat non-diegetic sound and slow dissolve shots of the zoo and himself. Keep in mind that Ang Lee is a male! The India emergency acts as a catalyst where Pi discovers that not everything is perfect or as he put it, “the world had lost some of its enchantment”. This is paired with rain and washed out colours to signify Pi’s change in tone and, consequently, affecting the way he views life. Similar to Pi, Palahniuk uses the discovery of Tyler as the narrators trigger in which he undergo’s a shifting perspective on the life he lives. He concludes that “maybe self improvement isn't the answer. Maybe self-destruction is the answer”, the use of repetition allows the audience to witness the contrasting beliefs of the narrators old self, as he views the world from a different perspective. It can be seen that new discoveries can result in the ramification of evaluating what used to be, and such with the narrator, he is now going about life differently. Pi is also seen to have a moment of understanding that has resulted from his journey. Lee also speaks to the viewer through the intensity of the scene, using a emotive close up of Pi’s face with the evaluated dialogue when Pi realised that realised that “the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye”. Here Pi is referring to the unceremonious depart of Richard Parker which allowed him to reflect on his journey as a mechanism which transformed the way he looked at life. Discoveries can have consequential damages to the way an individual chooses to view the world. This paragraph contains some excellent techniques and examples from your chosen text, fantastic! What is missing is analysis, right now you are slipping into retell. You are giving a quote, a technique, and then recounting what it shows about the character. Instead, use the quote and technique to show how Lee has demonstrated the discovery concept! This is the missing link here. Further, something like a, "Therefore, it is clear that discoveries can have" at the start of your conclusive sentence would be great!
Discovery can propel an individual to confront renewed truth’s about themselves. The revelation of truth can result in a renewed understanding about ones purpose and objective, leaving one either revitalised or demoralised. Pi is forced to confront and ultimately accept his possible morality through the use of storms which is viewed as a symbolic turning point in the film. Storms are a recurring motif, representing Pi’s internal struggle. When the storm passes, the calmness shows change and rebirth as Pi has accepted his state and made progress with Richard Parker. A long shot of Pi’s raft in the vast ocean reminds the viewed of his vulnerability in a much wider world which exists beyond Pi and his situation. His dialogue, "Thank you for giving me my life. I'm ready now," is followed by a fade to black, signifying an ending and change of direction in the film. Pi, at this time, discovers that he cannot fear death and now that his rage and fear are gone, he can focus on saving himself and Richard Parker with a revitalised outlook on his situation. Contrastingly, Palahniuk uses his narrators discovery to emphasise that the truth can obliterate ones purpose, ultimately destroying them. The audience learn through a hyperbole that Tyler never existed and the narrator was merely “fighting everything [he] hates in [his] life.” This truth leaves the narrator questioning who he says, “how you always kill the things you love, well, it works both ways.” Palahniuk uses this as an allusion to the things humans loves that are ultimately destroying them. The narrator is left demoralised after Tyler, the man he idolised, turns out to be his split personality. The narrator is then confronted by all he has done and recognises his dissatisfaction with the truth and ultimately his being. The truth that comes with discoveries can either be too much for one to handle or can leave them with a revitalised purpose. Your techniques are fantastic in this paragraph, like incredible, but again, it is missing the analysis. What does the author show us about discovery, and how? How does Palahniuk's approach differ/agree with Lee's?
Discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically. A new discovery can have meaningful consequences, challenging an individuals outlook, impacting the way they think and act. Pi’s childhood was based around an allusion of both god and himself, being challenged when he is forced to face problems head on. The evolution of Pi both physically and mentally is signified through the recurring motif of storms, which Pi recognises as a mechanism which strips him as he commented that “you can not know the strength of your faith until it has been tested”. Pi is continually commenting on the impact the discoveries he made about himself had on shaping him as a being. As Pi kills and eats a fish, a voice over is used from an older Pi, commenting that “hunger can change everything you ever though you knew about yourself”, foreshadowing the effects the primitive nature of survival has had on him. As the audience discovers the narrators hallucination in Fight Club, they are left to see the unfolding of dramatic effects both externally and internally. The narrator begins to realise that everything he though mattered is really meaningless and through repeating negative connotation, the narrators attitude is emphasises being that “[he] should run from self improvement and [he] should be running towards disaster. [He] cant just play it safe anymore”. A hyperbole is used to emphasise the effect Tyler is having on the narrator’s outlook on life, influencing his sense of self. As the narrator embeds himself in Fight Club, it becomes a place of salvation for him, giving to him what religion never could. A metaphor is used to interconnect the ideology of church as “theres hysterical shouting in tongues like at church, and when you wake up Sunday afternoon you feel saved”. This alludes to the way meaning can be derived throughout life, challenging and evolving the self. See the comments above, the comments above hold here as well. This paragraph is dangerously close to just straight recounts at some stage, be sure to keep the focus on analysis!
When the barrier between known and unknown is broken, ones can gain a new understanding. One can re-evaluate their lives as a result of the ramifications of discoveries. Lee shows the transformation of Pi through his figurative battle he undergoes with himself based on what he believes. Pi’s story comes to a complete circle during a close up of Pi’s face against the sand where it was “warm and soft, like pressing [his] face against the cheek of god”. This simile signifies that Pi has ultimately reached a culmination
in his deliverance to faith which he was able to discover as a result of his ordeal. Comparatively, the narrator in Fight Club experiences a downhill spiral once discovering who he is is not who he thought he was. Fight club served as a mechanism for the narrator to be who he wanted to be without acknowledging it and when the barrier is broken-down he realises that “the game is over. Its not fun anymore”. A metaphor not only highlights the narrators delusional state by referring to his destruction as a ‘game’ but also the negativity repercussions his discovery has caused. New understandings can evolve from discoveries as a result of their consequences and repercussions.
Each new discoveries brings consequences for the individual based on what is being discovered. They can change the way one views the world and everything around them as they are forced to confront hidden truths about themselves. The result of discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically with the ramifications causing an individual to gain new understandings. The price of discovering the unknown is the arias of consequences based on how far an individual is willing to go. I love this conclusion! You just need to bring in the texts you have discussed to get a full sense of closure.
With each new discovery, one has to accept that consequences may follow. These ramifications can be both enhancing or diminishing, forcing one to act and acknowledge a previous perception that may now be false. Discoveries can change the way one sees the world and society, propelling an individual to confront truths about themselves. Discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically with the ramifications of crossing the barrier between known and unknown resulting in a new understanding. Each new discovery won’t come without consequences. Fantastic concepts in here! I would recommend streamlining this a little bit, simplify your concept and express it in two sentences. Then, there are some things you need in your introduction that are missing. First, you need to introduce the texts (and authors) you will be discussing, and only then do you need to list what your paragraphs will be about (in a single sentence, much more concise than what you have at the moment). Finally, some kind of more conclusive sentence linking the text to the concept.
Provocative discoveries can change the way one sees the world and society. A breakthrough can hold damaging ramification as it can challenge everything that was one known, resulting in renewed perspectives that aren’t always wanted. I would suggest bringing the text and author in here, introduce it and say how it relates to your concept (which I love by the way). Ang Lee uses her beginning to emphasis the charm-like childhood Pi has grown up around, with up beat non-diegetic sound and slow dissolve shots of the zoo and himself. Keep in mind that Ang Lee is a male! The India emergency acts as a catalyst where Pi discovers that not everything is perfect or as he put it, “the world had lost some of its enchantment”. This is paired with rain and washed out colours to signify Pi’s change in tone and, consequently, affecting the way he views life. Similar to Pi, Palahniuk uses the discovery of Tyler as the narrators trigger in which he undergo’s a shifting perspective on the life he lives. He concludes that “maybe self improvement isn't the answer. Maybe self-destruction is the answer”, the use of repetition allows the audience to witness the contrasting beliefs of the narrators old self, as he views the world from a different perspective. It can be seen that new discoveries can result in the ramification of evaluating what used to be, and such with the narrator, he is now going about life differently. Pi is also seen to have a moment of understanding that has resulted from his journey. Lee also speaks to the viewer through the intensity of the scene, using a emotive close up of Pi’s face with the evaluated dialogue when Pi realised that realised that “the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye”. Here Pi is referring to the unceremonious depart of Richard Parker which allowed him to reflect on his journey as a mechanism which transformed the way he looked at life. Discoveries can have consequential damages to the way an individual chooses to view the world. This paragraph contains some excellent techniques and examples from your chosen text, fantastic! What is missing is analysis, right now you are slipping into retell. You are giving a quote, a technique, and then recounting what it shows about the character. Instead, use the quote and technique to show how Lee has demonstrated the discovery concept! This is the missing link here. Further, something like a, "Therefore, it is clear that discoveries can have" at the start of your conclusive sentence would be great!
Discovery can propel an individual to confront renewed truth’s about themselves. The revelation of truth can result in a renewed understanding about ones purpose and objective, leaving one either revitalised or demoralised. Pi is forced to confront and ultimately accept his possible morality through the use of storms which is viewed as a symbolic turning point in the film. Storms are a recurring motif, representing Pi’s internal struggle. When the storm passes, the calmness shows change and rebirth as Pi has accepted his state and made progress with Richard Parker. A long shot of Pi’s raft in the vast ocean reminds the viewed of his vulnerability in a much wider world which exists beyond Pi and his situation. His dialogue, "Thank you for giving me my life. I'm ready now," is followed by a fade to black, signifying an ending and change of direction in the film. Pi, at this time, discovers that he cannot fear death and now that his rage and fear are gone, he can focus on saving himself and Richard Parker with a revitalised outlook on his situation. Contrastingly, Palahniuk uses his narrators discovery to emphasise that the truth can obliterate ones purpose, ultimately destroying them. The audience learn through a hyperbole that Tyler never existed and the narrator was merely “fighting everything [he] hates in [his] life.” This truth leaves the narrator questioning who he says, “how you always kill the things you love, well, it works both ways.” Palahniuk uses this as an allusion to the things humans loves that are ultimately destroying them. The narrator is left demoralised after Tyler, the man he idolised, turns out to be his split personality. The narrator is then confronted by all he has done and recognises his dissatisfaction with the truth and ultimately his being. The truth that comes with discoveries can either be too much for one to handle or can leave them with a revitalised purpose. Your techniques are fantastic in this paragraph, like incredible, but again, it is missing the analysis. What does the author show us about discovery, and how? How does Palahniuk's approach differ/agree with Lee's?
Discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically. A new discovery can have meaningful consequences, challenging an individuals outlook, impacting the way they think and act. Pi’s childhood was based around an allusion of both god and himself, being challenged when he is forced to face problems head on. The evolution of Pi both physically and mentally is signified through the recurring motif of storms, which Pi recognises as a mechanism which strips him as he commented that “you can not know the strength of your faith until it has been tested”. Pi is continually commenting on the impact the discoveries he made about himself had on shaping him as a being. As Pi kills and eats a fish, a voice over is used from an older Pi, commenting that “hunger can change everything you ever though you knew about yourself”, foreshadowing the effects the primitive nature of survival has had on him. As the audience discovers the narrators hallucination in Fight Club, they are left to see the unfolding of dramatic effects both externally and internally. The narrator begins to realise that everything he though mattered is really meaningless and through repeating negative connotation, the narrators attitude is emphasises being that “[he] should run from self improvement and [he] should be running towards disaster. [He] cant just play it safe anymore”. A hyperbole is used to emphasise the effect Tyler is having on the narrator’s outlook on life, influencing his sense of self. As the narrator embeds himself in Fight Club, it becomes a place of salvation for him, giving to him what religion never could. A metaphor is used to interconnect the ideology of church as “theres hysterical shouting in tongues like at church, and when you wake up Sunday afternoon you feel saved”. This alludes to the way meaning can be derived throughout life, challenging and evolving the self. See the comments above, the comments above hold here as well. This paragraph is dangerously close to just straight recounts at some stage, be sure to keep the focus on analysis!
When the barrier between known and unknown is broken, ones can gain a new understanding. One can re-evaluate their lives as a result of the ramifications of discoveries. Lee shows the transformation of Pi through his figurative battle he undergoes with himself based on what he believes. Pi’s story comes to a complete circle during a close up of Pi’s face against the sand where it was “warm and soft, like pressing [his] face against the cheek of god”. This simile signifies that Pi has ultimately reached a culmination
in his deliverance to faith which he was able to discover as a result of his ordeal. Comparatively, the narrator in Fight Club experiences a downhill spiral once discovering who he is is not who he thought he was. Fight club served as a mechanism for the narrator to be who he wanted to be without acknowledging it and when the barrier is broken-down he realises that “the game is over. Its not fun anymore”. A metaphor not only highlights the narrators delusional state by referring to his destruction as a ‘game’ but also the negativity repercussions his discovery has caused. New understandings can evolve from discoveries as a result of their consequences and repercussions.
Each new discoveries brings consequences for the individual based on what is being discovered. They can change the way one views the world and everything around them as they are forced to confront hidden truths about themselves. The result of discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically with the ramifications causing an individual to gain new understandings. The price of discovering the unknown is the arias of consequences based on how far an individual is willing to go. I love this conclusion! You just need to bring in the texts you have discussed to get a full sense of closure.
This essays big strength is its textual referencing; your quotes are fabulous and you have a great variety of literary and film techniques! Brilliant!
There are a few areas I think you need to work on, all of which I mentioned briefly above. The big point is this: Analysis . You are quoting and assigning a technique to quotes BRILLIANTLY, like bloody brilliantly. However, you are then using this example to show us something about a character in the text. This is retell. What we need instead is for you to use this as evidence to show how Lee or Palahniuk have represented a discovery concept in their text (specifically, the discovery concept you are discussing in that paragraph).
EG (totally made up) - Smith's use of figurative imagery in the protagonists introductory dialogue, "The sky of diamonds," portrays a sense of hope and opportunity to the audience and communicates the opportunities presented by a discovery experience.
I have a technique, a quote, and what it does for the audience. This is where you should be aiming.
This said, you have a great backbone here! Try working on this and feel free to post your essay again for some more feedback! We'd love to help out some more ;D
Post by: aamyylouiisee on March 23, 2016, 06:47:09 pm
Post by: liiz on March 23, 2016, 09:43:45 pm
Thank you so much!!!
Spoiler
Discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. How accurately does this statement reflect the ideas represented in your prescribed text and ONE related text.
CRITERIA:
• Formulate a question based on the HSC Advanced English Rubric
• Demonstrate an informed understand of the ideas expressed in the text
• Evaluate the text’s language, content and construction
• Organise, develop and express ideas using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
Marcel Proust once said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.
The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.
This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda, in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover - “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.
The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy. Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.
Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.
CRITERIA:
• Formulate a question based on the HSC Advanced English Rubric
• Demonstrate an informed understand of the ideas expressed in the text
• Evaluate the text’s language, content and construction
• Organise, develop and express ideas using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
Marcel Proust once said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.
The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.
This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda, in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover - “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.
The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy. Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.
Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Post by: WLalex on March 23, 2016, 10:29:15 pm
Hey WLalex!! I'd be honoured, I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments, I hope it helps!! ;DSpoilerEach new discovery brings consequences for the individual. Discuss how the composers of your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text have explored the personal consequences of discovery.
With each new discovery, one has to accept that consequences may follow. These ramifications can be both enhancing or diminishing, forcing one to act and acknowledge a previous perception that may now be false. Discoveries can change the way one sees the world and society, propelling an individual to confront truths about themselves. Discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically with the ramifications of crossing the barrier between known and unknown resulting in a new understanding. Each new discovery won’t come without consequences. Fantastic concepts in here! I would recommend streamlining this a little bit, simplify your concept and express it in two sentences. Then, there are some things you need in your introduction that are missing. First, you need to introduce the texts (and authors) you will be discussing, and only then do you need to list what your paragraphs will be about (in a single sentence, much more concise than what you have at the moment). Finally, some kind of more conclusive sentence linking the text to the concept.
Provocative discoveries can change the way one sees the world and society. A breakthrough can hold damaging ramification as it can challenge everything that was one known, resulting in renewed perspectives that aren’t always wanted. I would suggest bringing the text and author in here, introduce it and say how it relates to your concept (which I love by the way). Ang Lee uses her beginning to emphasis the charm-like childhood Pi has grown up around, with up beat non-diegetic sound and slow dissolve shots of the zoo and himself. Keep in mind that Ang Lee is a male! The India emergency acts as a catalyst where Pi discovers that not everything is perfect or as he put it, “the world had lost some of its enchantment”. This is paired with rain and washed out colours to signify Pi’s change in tone and, consequently, affecting the way he views life. Similar to Pi, Palahniuk uses the discovery of Tyler as the narrators trigger in which he undergo’s a shifting perspective on the life he lives. He concludes that “maybe self improvement isn't the answer. Maybe self-destruction is the answer”, the use of repetition allows the audience to witness the contrasting beliefs of the narrators old self, as he views the world from a different perspective. It can be seen that new discoveries can result in the ramification of evaluating what used to be, and such with the narrator, he is now going about life differently. Pi is also seen to have a moment of understanding that has resulted from his journey. Lee also speaks to the viewer through the intensity of the scene, using a emotive close up of Pi’s face with the evaluated dialogue when Pi realised that realised that “the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye”. Here Pi is referring to the unceremonious depart of Richard Parker which allowed him to reflect on his journey as a mechanism which transformed the way he looked at life. Discoveries can have consequential damages to the way an individual chooses to view the world. This paragraph contains some excellent techniques and examples from your chosen text, fantastic! What is missing is analysis, right now you are slipping into retell. You are giving a quote, a technique, and then recounting what it shows about the character. Instead, use the quote and technique to show how Lee has demonstrated the discovery concept! This is the missing link here. Further, something like a, "Therefore, it is clear that discoveries can have" at the start of your conclusive sentence would be great!
Discovery can propel an individual to confront renewed truth’s about themselves. The revelation of truth can result in a renewed understanding about ones purpose and objective, leaving one either revitalised or demoralised. Pi is forced to confront and ultimately accept his possible morality through the use of storms which is viewed as a symbolic turning point in the film. Storms are a recurring motif, representing Pi’s internal struggle. When the storm passes, the calmness shows change and rebirth as Pi has accepted his state and made progress with Richard Parker. A long shot of Pi’s raft in the vast ocean reminds the viewed of his vulnerability in a much wider world which exists beyond Pi and his situation. His dialogue, "Thank you for giving me my life. I'm ready now," is followed by a fade to black, signifying an ending and change of direction in the film. Pi, at this time, discovers that he cannot fear death and now that his rage and fear are gone, he can focus on saving himself and Richard Parker with a revitalised outlook on his situation. Contrastingly, Palahniuk uses his narrators discovery to emphasise that the truth can obliterate ones purpose, ultimately destroying them. The audience learn through a hyperbole that Tyler never existed and the narrator was merely “fighting everything [he] hates in [his] life.” This truth leaves the narrator questioning who he says, “how you always kill the things you love, well, it works both ways.” Palahniuk uses this as an allusion to the things humans loves that are ultimately destroying them. The narrator is left demoralised after Tyler, the man he idolised, turns out to be his split personality. The narrator is then confronted by all he has done and recognises his dissatisfaction with the truth and ultimately his being. The truth that comes with discoveries can either be too much for one to handle or can leave them with a revitalised purpose. Your techniques are fantastic in this paragraph, like incredible, but again, it is missing the analysis. What does the author show us about discovery, and how? How does Palahniuk's approach differ/agree with Lee's?
Discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically. A new discovery can have meaningful consequences, challenging an individuals outlook, impacting the way they think and act. Pi’s childhood was based around an allusion of both god and himself, being challenged when he is forced to face problems head on. The evolution of Pi both physically and mentally is signified through the recurring motif of storms, which Pi recognises as a mechanism which strips him as he commented that “you can not know the strength of your faith until it has been tested”. Pi is continually commenting on the impact the discoveries he made about himself had on shaping him as a being. As Pi kills and eats a fish, a voice over is used from an older Pi, commenting that “hunger can change everything you ever though you knew about yourself”, foreshadowing the effects the primitive nature of survival has had on him. As the audience discovers the narrators hallucination in Fight Club, they are left to see the unfolding of dramatic effects both externally and internally. The narrator begins to realise that everything he though mattered is really meaningless and through repeating negative connotation, the narrators attitude is emphasises being that “[he] should run from self improvement and [he] should be running towards disaster. [He] cant just play it safe anymore”. A hyperbole is used to emphasise the effect Tyler is having on the narrator’s outlook on life, influencing his sense of self. As the narrator embeds himself in Fight Club, it becomes a place of salvation for him, giving to him what religion never could. A metaphor is used to interconnect the ideology of church as “theres hysterical shouting in tongues like at church, and when you wake up Sunday afternoon you feel saved”. This alludes to the way meaning can be derived throughout life, challenging and evolving the self. See the comments above, the comments above hold here as well. This paragraph is dangerously close to just straight recounts at some stage, be sure to keep the focus on analysis!
When the barrier between known and unknown is broken, ones can gain a new understanding. One can re-evaluate their lives as a result of the ramifications of discoveries. Lee shows the transformation of Pi through his figurative battle he undergoes with himself based on what he believes. Pi’s story comes to a complete circle during a close up of Pi’s face against the sand where it was “warm and soft, like pressing [his] face against the cheek of god”. This simile signifies that Pi has ultimately reached a culmination
in his deliverance to faith which he was able to discover as a result of his ordeal. Comparatively, the narrator in Fight Club experiences a downhill spiral once discovering who he is is not who he thought he was. Fight club served as a mechanism for the narrator to be who he wanted to be without acknowledging it and when the barrier is broken-down he realises that “the game is over. Its not fun anymore”. A metaphor not only highlights the narrators delusional state by referring to his destruction as a ‘game’ but also the negativity repercussions his discovery has caused. New understandings can evolve from discoveries as a result of their consequences and repercussions.
Each new discoveries brings consequences for the individual based on what is being discovered. They can change the way one views the world and everything around them as they are forced to confront hidden truths about themselves. The result of discoveries can challenge the self both physically and psychologically with the ramifications causing an individual to gain new understandings. The price of discovering the unknown is the arias of consequences based on how far an individual is willing to go. I love this conclusion! You just need to bring in the texts you have discussed to get a full sense of closure.
This essays big strength is its textual referencing; your quotes are fabulous and you have a great variety of literary and film techniques! Brilliant!
There are a few areas I think you need to work on, all of which I mentioned briefly above. The big point is this: Analysis . You are quoting and assigning a technique to quotes BRILLIANTLY, like bloody brilliantly. However, you are then using this example to show us something about a character in the text. This is retell. What we need instead is for you to use this as evidence to show how Lee or Palahniuk have represented a discovery concept in their text (specifically, the discovery concept you are discussing in that paragraph).
EG (totally made up) - Smith's use of figurative imagery in the protagonists introductory dialogue, "The sky of diamonds," portrays a sense of hope and opportunity to the audience and communicates the opportunities presented by a discovery experience.
I have a technique, a quote, and what it does for the audience. This is where you should be aiming.
This said, you have a great backbone here! Try working on this and feel free to post your essay again for some more feedback! We'd love to help out some more ;D
Thanks heaps Jamon, appreciate it!
I was wondering if you could give me any advice on choosing between my two related texts for Life of Pi. I have Fight Club (as in this essay) and the Kite Runner, would you have a preference?
Thank you
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2016, 11:17:32 pm
Hi how am i supposed to fit the question "Curiosity is essential to finding a true sense of discovery" to the character Gwen in Away when her discovery is instigated by necessity not curiosity?
What are some possible thesis I can come up with " discoveries can allow us to speculate future possibilities"?
My intro to this question: "discoveries may challenge individuals' perceptions and broaden their understanding of self and the world, leading them to speculate upon the possible outcome of the change in their attitudes and beliefs"
For the first sentence of my intro, can i give a definition of discovery not relating to the ques, but relate it in the second sentence.
Sorry for delay on this Katherine, I'll ask Elyse to drop in to answer your question when she can, since it is on her text ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2016, 11:21:21 pm
Thanks heaps Jamon, appreciate it!
I was wondering if you could give me any advice on choosing between my two related texts for Life of Pi. I have Fight Club (as in this essay) and the Kite Runner, would you have a preference?
Thank you
The only thing I would suggest is not to use two movies, so the fact that you are considering two novels is awesome already :D
I've actually not read either novel, but I know how good Fight Club is by word of mouth. My advice would be to use whatever backs up your arguments more effectively. Whatever you want to discuss about Life of Pi, which novel is easier to link? If you brainstormed, which novel would have more points? There is your answer, make life easy for yourself!
Sorry I can't comment further, my reading isn't as wide and varied as it possibly should be ;)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2016, 11:22:42 pm
Hello :) I posted this in the Advanced English marking forum as well, but I think it might be better if I posted here instead. Just hoping someone can give me as much feedback as possible please for this essay (actually to be presented as a speech!). It's the first time I've done a related text because we didn't do one in year 11 for some reason, so I just wanted to make sure my structure and analysis is okay, whether I've really answered the question enough and if there's any parts I should cut out because it's too long for the time limit.
Thank you so much!!!SpoilerDiscoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. How accurately does this statement reflect the ideas represented in your prescribed text and ONE related text.
CRITERIA:
• Formulate a question based on the HSC Advanced English Rubric
• Demonstrate an informed understand of the ideas expressed in the text
• Evaluate the text’s language, content and construction
• Organise, develop and express ideas using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
Marcel Proust once said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.
The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.
This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda, in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover - “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.
The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy. Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.
Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Hey Liiz! Thanks for moving it over, I removed it from the other forum just so you know. You were next in line over there, and Elyse may have even started marking it already, so I'll make sure that once the feedback is ready you get it in this forum! Thanks so much for posting!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 24, 2016, 07:43:38 am
Would you be able to look over my essay and give me some pointers!
Hey Amy! Sure thing, I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments:
Spoiler
In order to discover people must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual and my affect people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. I love this as a Thesis/main concept! I would suggest trying to condense this four sentences into 2-3, just to make it easier to replicate in an exam situation. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Raquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the masudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. When you introduce your texts, try not to go into anything more than the absolute most basic details! As in, only half a sentence on the plot, the plot actually isn't important, it is all about what the composer has done to show us something about discovery! Also, be sure to include the author/composer's names. Both texts reveal how people may be forced to challenge their existing views about other races and they form new beliefs where they extend to the winder world. Awesome conceptual base here! Just some structure/form issues and you'll have a great intro!
The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and “boat people”. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the “views” of the Australian people and were sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a “boat person”. In the first episode Raquel clearly states her beliefs when she says “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”. Through the use of the pun “Blacktown” Raquel reinforces her ignorance and prejudiced view of Africans. This is highlighted in the mid shot of Raquel walking through Blacktown with Africans in the background. Shots flash of Raquel and her house with her dogs. There is also a point of view shot of Raquel as she honestly states her opinion when she says “i guess I am a bit racist”. Raquel made her own self-discovery through the show and changed her views of refugees and the wider world. I think your use of techniques here is great! However, I think you need to make the distinction: AoS essays are interested in how the CREATOR creates meaning by using TECHNIQUES to show discovery concepts. Right now, you are slipping into textual retell, explaining what happened in the text and how it shows discovery. While you use techniques, which is great, you should try to shift the focus more to the composer!
The narrator in the short story “tri” (Echin) discovers his racist bullying about what is significant and he discovers his new found knowledge of the effect of his behaviour on tri and his new found knowledge of tri’s identity is “too little too late”. Try to start with a topic sentence just like you did above! And only then launch into techniques/quotes. Both the narrator and “tri’ are compelled to change their perspective because of the brutality that they face. Initially, the narrator is a willing participant with Greg and Neil. He aids in cornering “tri” and states “He really was a stupid kid” this insult provides the narrator with a reason to bully and state racist comments. “Tri” finally made a self-discovery when the bullying got really bad and when they peed on him with the word REF on his back.So while the paragraph above had some techniques which pushed it up, this paragraph does not. Be sure to focus on techniques as much as you possibly can!
The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and “boat people”. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the “views” of the Australian people and were sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a “boat person”. In the first episode Raquel clearly states her beliefs when she says “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”. Through the use of the pun “Blacktown” Raquel reinforces her ignorance and prejudiced view of Africans. This is highlighted in the mid shot of Raquel walking through Blacktown with Africans in the background. Shots flash of Raquel and her house with her dogs. There is also a point of view shot of Raquel as she honestly states her opinion when she says “i guess I am a bit racist”. Raquel made her own self-discovery through the show and changed her views of refugees and the wider world. I think your use of techniques here is great! However, I think you need to make the distinction: AoS essays are interested in how the CREATOR creates meaning by using TECHNIQUES to show discovery concepts. Right now, you are slipping into textual retell, explaining what happened in the text and how it shows discovery. While you use techniques, which is great, you should try to shift the focus more to the composer!
The narrator in the short story “tri” (Echin) discovers his racist bullying about what is significant and he discovers his new found knowledge of the effect of his behaviour on tri and his new found knowledge of tri’s identity is “too little too late”. Try to start with a topic sentence just like you did above! And only then launch into techniques/quotes. Both the narrator and “tri’ are compelled to change their perspective because of the brutality that they face. Initially, the narrator is a willing participant with Greg and Neil. He aids in cornering “tri” and states “He really was a stupid kid” this insult provides the narrator with a reason to bully and state racist comments. “Tri” finally made a self-discovery when the bullying got really bad and when they peed on him with the word REF on his back.So while the paragraph above had some techniques which pushed it up, this paragraph does not. Be sure to focus on techniques as much as you possibly can!
This essay has an absolutely fantastic conceptual base. You have a well considered, sophisticated view of Discovery which comes through in a very effective introduction! You are also effectively integrating textual references.
Your area to improve at the moment is your analysis and form.
In terms of your form, make sure every paragraph has a topic sentence and conclusion. This gives the reader direction and organises your ideas a little better. You should also try to create a conclusion to pop at the end, to make sure all your points are summarised nicely. A conclusion is kind of like wrapping a present that is going into a bag anyway: It doesn't seem to serve any real functional purpose, but it makes everything look nicer.
In terms of your analysis, there are three main things I (and markers) look for.
TECHNIQUE
EXAMPLE (Quote)
AUDIENCE IMPACT
Or, TEA ;D Right now, you are giving examples from the text, but not giving techniques in some cases, and never explaining what the audience learns from these techniques. This creates textual retell, where you simply re-state the events of the text. You are focusing on what the characters learn about Discovery, try to focus more on what WE learn about discovery from reading/watching the text. Remember, the creator has chosen their techniques to create meaning for us, to show US something about Discovery. This is what you need to delve into, the composer should always be the focus.
This is an awesome start because you have a well thought out conceptual basis for your essay. This is very hard to fix if it is not there, so you should be really happy. Try working on a few of these things and feel free to post your essay again for some more feedback!!
I hope this helps ;D
Post by: Mizuki on March 27, 2016, 10:16:21 pm
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective of discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your choice.
An individual’s discovery evoked by awareness, by accident or by confrontation induces a reaction, which then shapes who one may become. This means that whether the information is new or known, acknowledging the concerns can lead to a greater likelihood of enlightenment. However, through this revelation, an individual will explore oneself and develop a new understanding, not only for the individual but also for broader society. Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara’s memoir The Motorcycle Diaries and Franz Kafka’s modernist novella ‘The Metamorphosis’, both clearly exemplify notions of self-discovery that then actuate introspection, followed by the unraveling of what is unknown and the reconsideration of what is known, and therefore elucidate processes of discovery as a matter of uncovering and reconsidering the known, an intrinsic facet of human nature.
The process of discovery can stimulate new ideas and alter perspective and outlook, and therefore be transformative on the individual, leading to self-discovery. Within the first diary entry, Guevara revisits the experiences that ultimately altered the identity he once possessed through changed eyes. Evidenced in ‘The person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again’ the euphemistic death imagery Guevara inserts, illustrates the profoundness within the metamorphosis Guevara claims to have encountered. In addition, the dissociation through third person pronoun “the person” when in fact referring to himself exemplifies the detachment Guevara feels towards his old self. Further reinforced in ‘me…no longer the person I once was’ through a reflective and evocative tone, alerts the responders about the nature of truth. Guevara comments on the subjectivity of first hand experience and truth, one that therefore can no longer be any indication of reality. Linking to the notion that we are all subject to: every person is made different by experience. By doing so, the responder is lead to anticipate the discoveries the protagonist makes during the course of his travels and evaluate his discoveries differently.
This notion is similarly represented in Gregor Samsa’s physical transmutation into the unknown bug. ‘He discovered that he had been changed into a…verminous bug’ here Kafka explicitly links to the concept of discovery through the inauguration of a complete different physical entity. Through negatively connoted visual imagery, the third persons omniscient narrator zoomorphizes Gregors transformation as a metaphor, turning into an extended metaphor. An underlying facet in which explains Gregor’s ultimate hamartia throughout the novella. Further emphasized when he states “what a strenuous job… On the move day in, day out…” The word choice of ‘strenuous job’ indicates the true arduous nature of Gregor’s job as a lower class salesman, followed by grammatical parallelism within the adverb-noun groups and the use asyndeton, highlighting a tone of monotony and dullness, foreshadowing the later events that occur within the novella. Gregor’s oblivion towards his own identity as a proletariat mirrors the dehumanizing exploitation he encounters as a subject to capitalists. (ESSAY Q); Gregor finds comfort in his new verminous body and Guevara having encountered unknown terrain and experiences, foreign to his bourgeois background, undergo a transformation through their own discoveries within the confrontation of truth, reconsidering what is now known, internally and externally. As a ramification, the essence of Gregor’s life is diminished for he turns into an unknown bug, resulting in the dilapidation of the self he once possessed.
Likewise, within the M.C.D this notion is further emblematized with Guevara’s first hand experience within the consequences of social injustice and exploitation. Within ‘la giaconda’s smile’, a reflexive tone when recounting the experiences of visiting and treating an elderly sick woman are showcased, providing an insight into Guevara’s developing revolutionary awareness. The entry starts with factual and vivid description of ‘the poor thing…pitiful state, breathing the acrid smell of concentrated sweat and dirty feet…’ Through negatively connoted olfactory imagery, and appealing to pathos, Guevara encourages the reader to pity the sick woman, giving greater way to the physical discovery of the class distinctions between the proletariats and the bourgeoisie. However, soon resulting with renewed perceptions of the proletariats, stating that ‘in circumstances like this…poor families who cant pay their way become surrounded by atmosphere of acrimony; they stop being father, mother or brother’ through familial synecdoche and indication of dehumanization as a result of being ‘poor’ ultimately suggests the disintegration of ones integrity as a human being. Guevara then further denotes that they ‘become a purely negative factor in for life… a source of bitterness for healthy members… an insult to hose who have to support them’. Here, Guevara’s true existential revelations culminate, becoming aware of the true brutalization of being a subject to capitalism, indicates his political awakening and revolutionary voice. By uncovering what was hidden, Guevara encounters the true reality of his destiny.
Similarly to M.C.D, there are implications of disregard in the exploitive qualities of humankind towards its own humanity within both texts, and is evident throughout the Metamorphosis with the disdain of ‘Gregor’ as a son, brother and himself as a human. Within the novella, elements of Rene Descartes’ Mind body dualism theory resonate through to the treatment of Gregor and his new physical self. Mind Body Dualism refers to the theory that mind and body are distinct kinds of substances of nature, this is ultimately illustrated through both Gregors internal conflict creating a discord between his mind and body but also through the treatment of him by his family and others around him.
Starting by a horrified yet somewhat accepting attitude towards him, ‘Let me go to Gregor, my unlucky son’, highlighting a glimpse of his humanity and identification. His identity according to his family is then reinforced through the thoughts of Gregor in ‘my family depended on it’, when getting fired from his job, his identity in relation to them as the ‘breadwinner’ has changed from being caretaker to dependent being, however this so called ‘duty’ soon deteriorates when Gregor’s bug-like form is seen as his new self, and is regarded as such. This is represented when Grete comes to give Gregor dinner, the third person omniscient narrator observes that his ‘appearance was constantly intolerable to her… had to exert a lot of self-control not to run away’ highlighting Gretes sentiment of disgust and the burden in which Gregor was, delineating such notions of Body dualism, when Grete gradually turns to regarding Gregor as a bug, rather than seeing Gregor for his internal and true human self. Gregor’s human self is depicted within the actions through his own unconscious- being that animals cannot rationalize; Gregors true and innate human self is ultimately depicted, “Gregor did not have any notion of wishing to create problems for anyone…He remembered his family with deep feelings of love” Appeals to pathos, through the symbolism of the ‘deep love’ not only signifies the true attitude of rationalizing Gregor still possess, but propels Gregor in the ultimate conflict he suffers within himself. Gregor’s place in not only society, but his family has therefore diminished, indicating Gregor’s dehumanization, the notion of the futilistic burden gregor is when not contributing to his family. As before, Gregor, just like the old lady with asthma in M.C.D has stopped being a ‘brother’, a ‘care-taker’ and both have turned into dependent beings.
As such, both texts masterfully elucidate such notions of awakening and confrontation, which resonate within the human condition. Through Guevara’s journey, he comes to the epiphany of the ultimate discovery towards his destiny, to revolutionize the injustices within the zeitgeist of capitalism. Kafka’s metaphoric vigilance towards the readers through the discovery of truth; propels change within both protagonists. Despite the somewhat differing discoveries, composers successfully shed light on the significance of discoveries, and broaden our world-views that such revelations can induce, leading us to new worlds and values, enabling us to speculate about the future.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 28, 2016, 11:14:33 pm
I dont know how post in the thread but that is my essay, its 1300 wiords and need help making it cohesive. Not the best essay but thanks so much.
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective of discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your choice.
Hey there! Welcome to the thread. I will happily take a look at your essay :)
Here is your original essay, unmarked:
Spoiler
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective of discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your choice.
An individual’s discovery evoked by awareness, by accident or by confrontation induces a reaction, which then shapes who one may become. This means that whether the information is new or known, acknowledging the concerns can lead to a greater likelihood of enlightenment. However, through this revelation, an individual will explore oneself and develop a new understanding, not only for the individual but also for broader society. Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara’s memoir The Motorcycle Diaries and Franz Kafka’s modernist novella ‘The Metamorphosis’, both clearly exemplify notions of self-discovery that then actuate introspection, followed by the unraveling of what is unknown and the reconsideration of what is known, and therefore elucidate processes of discovery as a matter of uncovering and reconsidering the known, an intrinsic facet of human nature.
The process of discovery can stimulate new ideas and alter perspective and outlook, and therefore be transformative on the individual, leading to self-discovery. Within the first diary entry, Guevara revisits the experiences that ultimately altered the identity he once possessed through changed eyes. Evidenced in ‘The person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again’ the euphemistic death imagery Guevara inserts, illustrates the profoundness within the metamorphosis Guevara claims to have encountered. In addition, the dissociation through third person pronoun “the person” when in fact referring to himself exemplifies the detachment Guevara feels towards his old self. Further reinforced in ‘me…no longer the person I once was’ through a reflective and evocative tone, alerts the responders about the nature of truth. Guevara comments on the subjectivity of first hand experience and truth, one that therefore can no longer be any indication of reality. Linking to the notion that we are all subject to: every person is made different by experience. By doing so, the responder is lead to anticipate the discoveries the protagonist makes during the course of his travels and evaluate his discoveries differently.
This notion is similarly represented in Gregor Samsa’s physical transmutation into the unknown bug. ‘He discovered that he had been changed into a…verminous bug’ here Kafka explicitly links to the concept of discovery through the inauguration of a complete different physical entity. Through negatively connoted visual imagery, the third persons omniscient narrator zoomorphizes Gregors transformation as a metaphor, turning into an extended metaphor. An underlying facet in which explains Gregor’s ultimate hamartia throughout the novella. Further emphasized when he states “what a strenuous job… On the move day in, day out…” The word choice of ‘strenuous job’ indicates the true arduous nature of Gregor’s job as a lower class salesman, followed by grammatical parallelism within the adverb-noun groups and the use asyndeton, highlighting a tone of monotony and dullness, foreshadowing the later events that occur within the novella. Gregor’s oblivion towards his own identity as a proletariat mirrors the dehumanizing exploitation he encounters as a subject to capitalists. (ESSAY Q); Gregor finds comfort in his new verminous body and Guevara having encountered unknown terrain and experiences, foreign to his bourgeois background, undergo a transformation through their own discoveries within the confrontation of truth, reconsidering what is now known, internally and externally. As a ramification, the essence of Gregor’s life is diminished for he turns into an unknown bug, resulting in the dilapidation of the self he once possessed.
Likewise, within the M.C.D this notion is further emblematized with Guevara’s first hand experience within the consequences of social injustice and exploitation. Within ‘la giaconda’s smile’, a reflexive tone when recounting the experiences of visiting and treating an elderly sick woman are showcased, providing an insight into Guevara’s developing revolutionary awareness. The entry starts with factual and vivid description of ‘the poor thing…pitiful state, breathing the acrid smell of concentrated sweat and dirty feet…’ Through negatively connoted olfactory imagery, and appealing to pathos, Guevara encourages the reader to pity the sick woman, giving greater way to the physical discovery of the class distinctions between the proletariats and the bourgeoisie. However, soon resulting with renewed perceptions of the proletariats, stating that ‘in circumstances like this…poor families who cant pay their way become surrounded by atmosphere of acrimony; they stop being father, mother or brother’ through familial synecdoche and indication of dehumanization as a result of being ‘poor’ ultimately suggests the disintegration of ones integrity as a human being. Guevara then further denotes that they ‘become a purely negative factor in for life… a source of bitterness for healthy members… an insult to hose who have to support them’. Here, Guevara’s true existential revelations culminate, becoming aware of the true brutalization of being a subject to capitalism, indicates his political awakening and revolutionary voice. By uncovering what was hidden, Guevara encounters the true reality of his destiny.
Similarly to M.C.D, there are implications of disregard in the exploitive qualities of humankind towards its own humanity within both texts, and is evident throughout the Metamorphosis with the disdain of ‘Gregor’ as a son, brother and himself as a human. Within the novella, elements of Rene Descartes’ Mind body dualism theory resonate through to the treatment of Gregor and his new physical self. Mind Body Dualism refers to the theory that mind and body are distinct kinds of substances of nature, this is ultimately illustrated through both Gregors internal conflict creating a discord between his mind and body but also through the treatment of him by his family and others around him.
Starting by a horrified yet somewhat accepting attitude towards him, ‘Let me go to Gregor, my unlucky son’, highlighting a glimpse of his humanity and identification. His identity according to his family is then reinforced through the thoughts of Gregor in ‘my family depended on it’, when getting fired from his job, his identity in relation to them as the ‘breadwinner’ has changed from being caretaker to dependent being, however this so called ‘duty’ soon deteriorates when Gregor’s bug-like form is seen as his new self, and is regarded as such. This is represented when Grete comes to give Gregor dinner, the third person omniscient narrator observes that his ‘appearance was constantly intolerable to her… had to exert a lot of self-control not to run away’ highlighting Gretes sentiment of disgust and the burden in which Gregor was, delineating such notions of Body dualism, when Grete gradually turns to regarding Gregor as a bug, rather than seeing Gregor for his internal and true human self. Gregor’s human self is depicted within the actions through his own unconscious- being that animals cannot rationalize; Gregors true and innate human self is ultimately depicted, “Gregor did not have any notion of wishing to create problems for anyone…He remembered his family with deep feelings of love” Appeals to pathos, through the symbolism of the ‘deep love’ not only signifies the true attitude of rationalizing Gregor still possess, but propels Gregor in the ultimate conflict he suffers within himself. Gregor’s place in not only society, but his family has therefore diminished, indicating Gregor’s dehumanization, the notion of the futilistic burden gregor is when not contributing to his family. As before, Gregor, just like the old lady with asthma in M.C.D has stopped being a ‘brother’, a ‘care-taker’ and both have turned into dependent beings.
As such, both texts masterfully elucidate such notions of awakening and confrontation, which resonate within the human condition. Through Guevara’s journey, he comes to the epiphany of the ultimate discovery towards his destiny, to revolutionize the injustices within the zeitgeist of capitalism. Kafka’s metaphoric vigilance towards the readers through the discovery of truth; propels change within both protagonists. Despite the somewhat differing discoveries, composers successfully shed light on the significance of discoveries, and broaden our world-views that such revelations can induce, leading us to new worlds and values, enabling us to speculate about the future.
How is this perspective of discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your choice.
An individual’s discovery evoked by awareness, by accident or by confrontation induces a reaction, which then shapes who one may become. This means that whether the information is new or known, acknowledging the concerns can lead to a greater likelihood of enlightenment. However, through this revelation, an individual will explore oneself and develop a new understanding, not only for the individual but also for broader society. Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara’s memoir The Motorcycle Diaries and Franz Kafka’s modernist novella ‘The Metamorphosis’, both clearly exemplify notions of self-discovery that then actuate introspection, followed by the unraveling of what is unknown and the reconsideration of what is known, and therefore elucidate processes of discovery as a matter of uncovering and reconsidering the known, an intrinsic facet of human nature.
The process of discovery can stimulate new ideas and alter perspective and outlook, and therefore be transformative on the individual, leading to self-discovery. Within the first diary entry, Guevara revisits the experiences that ultimately altered the identity he once possessed through changed eyes. Evidenced in ‘The person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again’ the euphemistic death imagery Guevara inserts, illustrates the profoundness within the metamorphosis Guevara claims to have encountered. In addition, the dissociation through third person pronoun “the person” when in fact referring to himself exemplifies the detachment Guevara feels towards his old self. Further reinforced in ‘me…no longer the person I once was’ through a reflective and evocative tone, alerts the responders about the nature of truth. Guevara comments on the subjectivity of first hand experience and truth, one that therefore can no longer be any indication of reality. Linking to the notion that we are all subject to: every person is made different by experience. By doing so, the responder is lead to anticipate the discoveries the protagonist makes during the course of his travels and evaluate his discoveries differently.
This notion is similarly represented in Gregor Samsa’s physical transmutation into the unknown bug. ‘He discovered that he had been changed into a…verminous bug’ here Kafka explicitly links to the concept of discovery through the inauguration of a complete different physical entity. Through negatively connoted visual imagery, the third persons omniscient narrator zoomorphizes Gregors transformation as a metaphor, turning into an extended metaphor. An underlying facet in which explains Gregor’s ultimate hamartia throughout the novella. Further emphasized when he states “what a strenuous job… On the move day in, day out…” The word choice of ‘strenuous job’ indicates the true arduous nature of Gregor’s job as a lower class salesman, followed by grammatical parallelism within the adverb-noun groups and the use asyndeton, highlighting a tone of monotony and dullness, foreshadowing the later events that occur within the novella. Gregor’s oblivion towards his own identity as a proletariat mirrors the dehumanizing exploitation he encounters as a subject to capitalists. (ESSAY Q); Gregor finds comfort in his new verminous body and Guevara having encountered unknown terrain and experiences, foreign to his bourgeois background, undergo a transformation through their own discoveries within the confrontation of truth, reconsidering what is now known, internally and externally. As a ramification, the essence of Gregor’s life is diminished for he turns into an unknown bug, resulting in the dilapidation of the self he once possessed.
Likewise, within the M.C.D this notion is further emblematized with Guevara’s first hand experience within the consequences of social injustice and exploitation. Within ‘la giaconda’s smile’, a reflexive tone when recounting the experiences of visiting and treating an elderly sick woman are showcased, providing an insight into Guevara’s developing revolutionary awareness. The entry starts with factual and vivid description of ‘the poor thing…pitiful state, breathing the acrid smell of concentrated sweat and dirty feet…’ Through negatively connoted olfactory imagery, and appealing to pathos, Guevara encourages the reader to pity the sick woman, giving greater way to the physical discovery of the class distinctions between the proletariats and the bourgeoisie. However, soon resulting with renewed perceptions of the proletariats, stating that ‘in circumstances like this…poor families who cant pay their way become surrounded by atmosphere of acrimony; they stop being father, mother or brother’ through familial synecdoche and indication of dehumanization as a result of being ‘poor’ ultimately suggests the disintegration of ones integrity as a human being. Guevara then further denotes that they ‘become a purely negative factor in for life… a source of bitterness for healthy members… an insult to hose who have to support them’. Here, Guevara’s true existential revelations culminate, becoming aware of the true brutalization of being a subject to capitalism, indicates his political awakening and revolutionary voice. By uncovering what was hidden, Guevara encounters the true reality of his destiny.
Similarly to M.C.D, there are implications of disregard in the exploitive qualities of humankind towards its own humanity within both texts, and is evident throughout the Metamorphosis with the disdain of ‘Gregor’ as a son, brother and himself as a human. Within the novella, elements of Rene Descartes’ Mind body dualism theory resonate through to the treatment of Gregor and his new physical self. Mind Body Dualism refers to the theory that mind and body are distinct kinds of substances of nature, this is ultimately illustrated through both Gregors internal conflict creating a discord between his mind and body but also through the treatment of him by his family and others around him.
Starting by a horrified yet somewhat accepting attitude towards him, ‘Let me go to Gregor, my unlucky son’, highlighting a glimpse of his humanity and identification. His identity according to his family is then reinforced through the thoughts of Gregor in ‘my family depended on it’, when getting fired from his job, his identity in relation to them as the ‘breadwinner’ has changed from being caretaker to dependent being, however this so called ‘duty’ soon deteriorates when Gregor’s bug-like form is seen as his new self, and is regarded as such. This is represented when Grete comes to give Gregor dinner, the third person omniscient narrator observes that his ‘appearance was constantly intolerable to her… had to exert a lot of self-control not to run away’ highlighting Gretes sentiment of disgust and the burden in which Gregor was, delineating such notions of Body dualism, when Grete gradually turns to regarding Gregor as a bug, rather than seeing Gregor for his internal and true human self. Gregor’s human self is depicted within the actions through his own unconscious- being that animals cannot rationalize; Gregors true and innate human self is ultimately depicted, “Gregor did not have any notion of wishing to create problems for anyone…He remembered his family with deep feelings of love” Appeals to pathos, through the symbolism of the ‘deep love’ not only signifies the true attitude of rationalizing Gregor still possess, but propels Gregor in the ultimate conflict he suffers within himself. Gregor’s place in not only society, but his family has therefore diminished, indicating Gregor’s dehumanization, the notion of the futilistic burden gregor is when not contributing to his family. As before, Gregor, just like the old lady with asthma in M.C.D has stopped being a ‘brother’, a ‘care-taker’ and both have turned into dependent beings.
As such, both texts masterfully elucidate such notions of awakening and confrontation, which resonate within the human condition. Through Guevara’s journey, he comes to the epiphany of the ultimate discovery towards his destiny, to revolutionize the injustices within the zeitgeist of capitalism. Kafka’s metaphoric vigilance towards the readers through the discovery of truth; propels change within both protagonists. Despite the somewhat differing discoveries, composers successfully shed light on the significance of discoveries, and broaden our world-views that such revelations can induce, leading us to new worlds and values, enabling us to speculate about the future.
Here is your essay with my own comments written in bold font:
Spoiler
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective of discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your choice.
An individual’s discovery evoked by awareness, by accident or by confrontation induces a reaction, (take away this little comma) which then shapes who one may become. This is a really cool thesis. However, I think you can tick the boxes of the rubric a little more. You've used synonyms for everything in the syllabus. What I'd like to see is you using some synonyms and some words directly from. This is showing that you are familiar with the rubric but also are original. So I would keep the first bit but then change the end bit to involve "transformative" or "intensely meaningful" because they come from the rubric :) This means that whether the information is new or known, acknowledging the concerns can lead to a greater likelihood of enlightenment. However, through this revelation, an individual will explore oneself and develop a new understanding, not only for the individual but also for broader society. Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara’s memoir The Motorcycle Diaries and Franz Kafka’s modernist novella ‘The Metamorphosis’, both clearly exemplify notions of self-discovery that then actuate introspection, followed by the unraveling of what is unknown and the reconsideration of what is known, and therefore elucidate processes of discovery as a matter of uncovering and reconsidering the known, an intrinsic facet of human nature. This last sentence is long. Well, it's not actually really long, but it seems long because you've introduced a lot of great ideas at once and it's difficult to digest. I suggest breaking this up a little so that the marker can appreciate each idea that you put forward.
The process of discovery can stimulate new ideas and may alter perspectives and outlooks, and therefore be transformativeon of the individual, leading to self-discovery. Within the first diary entry, identify the text Guevara revisits the experiences that ultimately altered the identity he once possessed through changed eyes Just need to fix up the syntax here a little bit so that it is clear what you are saying. At the moment, this end bit hangs awkwardly.. Evidenced in ‘The person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again’ the euphemistic death imagery Guevara inserts, illustrates the profoundness within the metamorphosis Guevara claims to have encountered.This is a great example of how you can make a single quote have great usefulness to your argument by showing many techniques in one. In addition, the dissociation through third person pronoun “the person” when in fact referring to himself exemplifies the detachment Guevara feels towards his old self. Further reinforced in ‘me…no longer the person I once was’ through a reflective and evocative tone, alerts the responders about the nature of truth. Guevara comments on the subjectivity of first hand experience and truth, one that therefore can no longer be any indication of reality. Linking to the notion that we are all subject to: every person is made different by experience. By doing so, the responder is lead to anticipate the discoveries the protagonist makes during the course of his travels and evaluate his discoveries differently. Awesome paragraph. Seriously, so far so good.
This notion Rehash the notion here. tell us what it is again. Rephrase it. is similarly represented in Gregor Samsa’s physical transmutation into the unknown bug. ‘He discovered that he had been changed into a…verminous bug’ here Kafka explicitly links to the concept of discovery through the inauguration of a complete different physical entity. Through negatively connoted visual imagery, the third persons omniscient narrator zoomorphizes Gregors transformation as a metaphor, turning into an extended metaphor. An underlying facet in which explains Gregor’s ultimate hamartia throughout the novella. Further emphasized when he states “what a strenuous job… On the move day in, day out…” The word choice of ‘strenuous job’ indicates the true arduous nature of Gregor’s job as a lower class salesman, followed by grammatical parallelism within the adverb-noun groups and the use asyndeton, highlighting a tone of monotony and dullness, foreshadowing the later events that occur within the novella. Gregor’s oblivion towards his own identity as a proletariat mirrors the dehumanizing exploitation he encounters as a subject to capitalists. (ESSAY Q); Gregor finds comfort in his new verminous body and Guevara having encountered unknown terrain and experiences, foreign to his bourgeois background, undergo a transformation through their own discoveries within the confrontation of truth, reconsidering what is now known, internally and externally. As a ramification, the essence of Gregor’s life is diminished for he turns into an unknown bug, resulting in the dilapidation of the self he once possessed. Like the above paragraph, this is great in terms of analysis. The step to improving is now going through and making sure that every, or every second, piece of textual referencing links to a sentence that explicitly talks about discovery. You have to make sure that the marker can see that you are simply using a text to support what you know of discovery, not analysing where discovery is in that text. if that makes sense :)
Likewise, within the M.C.D this notion is further emblematized with Guevara’s first hand experience within the consequences of social injustice and exploitation. Within ‘la giaconda’s smile’, a reflexive tone when recounting the experiences of visiting and treating an elderly sick woman are showcased, providing an insight into Guevara’s developing revolutionary awareness. The entry starts with factual and vivid description of ‘the poor thing…pitiful state, breathing the acrid smell of concentrated sweat and dirty feet…’ Through negatively connoted olfactory imagery, and appealing to pathos, Guevara encourages the reader to pity the sick woman, giving greater way to the physical discovery of the class distinctions between the proletariats and the bourgeoisie. However, soon resulting with renewed perceptions of the proletariats, stating that ‘in circumstances like this…poor families who cant pay their way become surrounded by atmosphere of acrimony; they stop being father, mother or brother’ through familial synecdoche and indication of dehumanization as a result of being ‘poor’ ultimately suggests the disintegration of ones integrity as a human being. Guevara then further denotes that they ‘become a purely negative factor in for life… a source of bitterness for healthy members… an insult to hose who have to support them’. Here, Guevara’s true existential revelations culminate, becoming aware of the true brutalization of being a subject to capitalism, indicates his political awakening and revolutionary voice. By uncovering what was hidden, Guevara encounters the true reality of his destiny.
Similarly to M.C.D, there are implications of disregard in the exploitive qualities of humankind towards its own humanity within both texts, and is evident throughout the Metamorphosis with the disdain of ‘Gregor’ as a son, brother and himself as a human. Within the novella, elements of Rene Descartes’ Mind body dualism theory resonate through to the treatment of Gregor and his new physical self. Mind Body Dualism refers to the theory that mind and body are distinct kinds of substances of nature, this is ultimately illustrated through both Gregors internal conflict creating a discord between his mind and body but also through the treatment of him by his family and others around him.
Starting by a horrified yet somewhat accepting attitude towards him, ‘Let me go to Gregor, my unlucky son’, highlighting a glimpse of his humanity and identification. His identity according to his family is then reinforced through the thoughts of Gregor in ‘my family depended on it’, when getting fired from his job, his identity in relation to them as the ‘breadwinner’ has changed from being caretaker to dependent being, however this so called ‘duty’ soon deteriorates when Gregor’s bug-like form is seen as his new self, and is regarded as such. This is represented when Grete comes to give Gregor dinner, the third person omniscient narrator observes that his ‘appearance was constantly intolerable to her… had to exert a lot of self-control not to run away’ highlighting Gretes sentiment of disgust and the burden in which Gregor was, delineating such notions of Body dualism, when Grete gradually turns to regarding Gregor as a bug, rather than seeing Gregor for his internal and true human self. Gregor’s human self is depicted within the actions through his own unconscious- being that animals cannot rationalize; Gregors true and innate human self is ultimately depicted, “Gregor did not have any notion of wishing to create problems for anyone…He remembered his family with deep feelings of love” Appeals to pathos, through the symbolism of the ‘deep love’ not only signifies the true attitude of rationalizing Gregor still possess, but propels Gregor in the ultimate conflict he suffers within himself. Gregor’s place in not only society, but his family has therefore diminished, indicating Gregor’s dehumanization, the notion of the futilistic burden gregor is when not contributing to his family. As before, Gregor, just like the old lady with asthma in M.C.D has stopped being a ‘brother’, a ‘care-taker’ and both have turned into dependent beings.
As such, both texts masterfully elucidate such notions of awakening and confrontation, which resonate within the human condition. Bringing out the thesis into a state of human condition is always a smart thing to do.Through Guevara’s journey, he comes to the epiphany of the ultimate discovery towards his destiny, to revolutionize the injustices within the zeitgeist of capitalism. Kafka’s metaphoric vigilance towards the readers through the discovery of truth; propels change within both protagonists. Despite the somewhat differing discoveries, composers successfully shed light on the significance of discoveries, and broaden our world-views that such revelations can induce, leading us to new worlds and values, enabling us to speculate about the future.
How is this perspective of discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your choice.
An individual’s discovery evoked by awareness, by accident or by confrontation induces a reaction
The process of discovery can stimulate new ideas and may alter perspectives and outlooks, and therefore be transformative
This notion Rehash the notion here. tell us what it is again. Rephrase it. is similarly represented in Gregor Samsa’s physical transmutation into the unknown bug. ‘He discovered that he had been changed into a…verminous bug’ here Kafka explicitly links to the concept of discovery through the inauguration of a complete different physical entity. Through negatively connoted visual imagery, the third persons omniscient narrator zoomorphizes Gregors transformation as a metaphor, turning into an extended metaphor. An underlying facet in which explains Gregor’s ultimate hamartia throughout the novella. Further emphasized when he states “what a strenuous job… On the move day in, day out…” The word choice of ‘strenuous job’ indicates the true arduous nature of Gregor’s job as a lower class salesman, followed by grammatical parallelism within the adverb-noun groups and the use asyndeton, highlighting a tone of monotony and dullness, foreshadowing the later events that occur within the novella. Gregor’s oblivion towards his own identity as a proletariat mirrors the dehumanizing exploitation he encounters as a subject to capitalists. (ESSAY Q); Gregor finds comfort in his new verminous body and Guevara having encountered unknown terrain and experiences, foreign to his bourgeois background, undergo a transformation through their own discoveries within the confrontation of truth, reconsidering what is now known, internally and externally. As a ramification, the essence of Gregor’s life is diminished for he turns into an unknown bug, resulting in the dilapidation of the self he once possessed. Like the above paragraph, this is great in terms of analysis. The step to improving is now going through and making sure that every, or every second, piece of textual referencing links to a sentence that explicitly talks about discovery. You have to make sure that the marker can see that you are simply using a text to support what you know of discovery, not analysing where discovery is in that text. if that makes sense :)
Likewise, within the M.C.D this notion is further emblematized with Guevara’s first hand experience within the consequences of social injustice and exploitation. Within ‘la giaconda’s smile’, a reflexive tone when recounting the experiences of visiting and treating an elderly sick woman are showcased, providing an insight into Guevara’s developing revolutionary awareness. The entry starts with factual and vivid description of ‘the poor thing…pitiful state, breathing the acrid smell of concentrated sweat and dirty feet…’ Through negatively connoted olfactory imagery, and appealing to pathos, Guevara encourages the reader to pity the sick woman, giving greater way to the physical discovery of the class distinctions between the proletariats and the bourgeoisie. However, soon resulting with renewed perceptions of the proletariats, stating that ‘in circumstances like this…poor families who cant pay their way become surrounded by atmosphere of acrimony; they stop being father, mother or brother’ through familial synecdoche and indication of dehumanization as a result of being ‘poor’ ultimately suggests the disintegration of ones integrity as a human being. Guevara then further denotes that they ‘become a purely negative factor in for life… a source of bitterness for healthy members… an insult to hose who have to support them’. Here, Guevara’s true existential revelations culminate, becoming aware of the true brutalization of being a subject to capitalism, indicates his political awakening and revolutionary voice. By uncovering what was hidden, Guevara encounters the true reality of his destiny.
Similarly to M.C.D, there are implications of disregard in the exploitive qualities of humankind towards its own humanity within both texts, and is evident throughout the Metamorphosis with the disdain of ‘Gregor’ as a son, brother and himself as a human. Within the novella, elements of Rene Descartes’ Mind body dualism theory resonate through to the treatment of Gregor and his new physical self. Mind Body Dualism refers to the theory that mind and body are distinct kinds of substances of nature, this is ultimately illustrated through both Gregors internal conflict creating a discord between his mind and body but also through the treatment of him by his family and others around him.
Starting by a horrified yet somewhat accepting attitude towards him, ‘Let me go to Gregor, my unlucky son’, highlighting a glimpse of his humanity and identification. His identity according to his family is then reinforced through the thoughts of Gregor in ‘my family depended on it’, when getting fired from his job, his identity in relation to them as the ‘breadwinner’ has changed from being caretaker to dependent being, however this so called ‘duty’ soon deteriorates when Gregor’s bug-like form is seen as his new self, and is regarded as such. This is represented when Grete comes to give Gregor dinner, the third person omniscient narrator observes that his ‘appearance was constantly intolerable to her… had to exert a lot of self-control not to run away’ highlighting Gretes sentiment of disgust and the burden in which Gregor was, delineating such notions of Body dualism, when Grete gradually turns to regarding Gregor as a bug, rather than seeing Gregor for his internal and true human self. Gregor’s human self is depicted within the actions through his own unconscious- being that animals cannot rationalize; Gregors true and innate human self is ultimately depicted, “Gregor did not have any notion of wishing to create problems for anyone…He remembered his family with deep feelings of love” Appeals to pathos, through the symbolism of the ‘deep love’ not only signifies the true attitude of rationalizing Gregor still possess, but propels Gregor in the ultimate conflict he suffers within himself. Gregor’s place in not only society, but his family has therefore diminished, indicating Gregor’s dehumanization, the notion of the futilistic burden gregor is when not contributing to his family. As before, Gregor, just like the old lady with asthma in M.C.D has stopped being a ‘brother’, a ‘care-taker’ and both have turned into dependent beings.
As such, both texts masterfully elucidate such notions of awakening and confrontation, which resonate within the human condition. Bringing out the thesis into a state of human condition is always a smart thing to do.Through Guevara’s journey, he comes to the epiphany of the ultimate discovery towards his destiny, to revolutionize the injustices within the zeitgeist of capitalism. Kafka’s metaphoric vigilance towards the readers through the discovery of truth; propels change within both protagonists. Despite the somewhat differing discoveries, composers successfully shed light on the significance of discoveries, and broaden our world-views that such revelations can induce, leading us to new worlds and values, enabling us to speculate about the future.
Very very well done! I mean it! Your textual analysis is very thorough and very impressive. You've done an awesome job! The next step, as I said above, is making the discovery super evident. You've creatively used synonyms to avoid being repetitive which is awesome. However, you need to NAIL discovery.
As said above, this essay needs to say "I know this, this and this about discovery. Don't quite believe me? Well I'll show you in some texts. See this part? This links to what I said before about discovery being ****.... and this part here talks about discovery being ****..." I hope this makes sense. Your analysis is great, your coherency is there so don't fret. The overall integrity of the work will come together when you make consistent, clear links to discovery throughout. Every paragraph should be NAILING discovery :)
Post by: Mizuki on March 29, 2016, 05:11:13 pm
xxxxxx
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 29, 2016, 05:17:38 pm
Thankyou so much Elyse, i cannot believe this site its honestly amazing haha
xxxxxx
Haha, I'm seriously stoked to hear this! :)
Post by: liiz on March 30, 2016, 01:27:58 pm
Spoiler
Discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. How accurately does this statement reflect the ideas represented in your prescribed text and ONE related text.
CRITERIA:
• Formulate a question based on the HSC Advanced English Rubric
• Demonstrate an informed understand of the ideas expressed in the text
• Evaluate the text’s language, content and construction
• Organise, develop and express ideas using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
Marcel Proust once said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.
The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.
This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda, in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover - “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.
The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy. Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.
Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.
CRITERIA:
• Formulate a question based on the HSC Advanced English Rubric
• Demonstrate an informed understand of the ideas expressed in the text
• Evaluate the text’s language, content and construction
• Organise, develop and express ideas using language appropriate to audience, purpose and form
Marcel Proust once said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.
The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.
This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda, in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover - “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.
The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy. Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.
Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 30, 2016, 07:03:36 pm
Hey there, sorry to be annoying but I posted this about a week ago and would love if anyone could please give me some feedback :) It's a speech due in a couple of days - I'd really appreciate some help cutting it down and just any other advice about whether my analysis makes sense? Thankyou so much!! ATAR notes has legit been saving my life haha I'll copy it in here again
Hi Liiz,
Please accept my apology! I know I 100% marked your work and it has completely disappeared. I've just looked through various forums! Again, I'm really sorry. I really appreciate you bringing it to my attention because I would be gutted if you let it get swept under the rug. I also really appreciate your presence on AN! It's great having you around.
Here is your original essay:
Spoiler
Marcel Proust once said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves.
The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.
This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda, in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover - “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.
The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy. Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.
Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.
The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs.
This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda, in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover - “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.
The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy. Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.
Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Discoveries are complex and transformative. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Here is your essay with my annotations in bold:
Spoiler
Marcel Proust once said, Can you get a location or date for this quote? “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscape but in having new eyes.” As such, discoveries, whether serendipitous or sought, ultimately involve the acquisition of greater knowledge and a new perspective. Awesome. Truly awesome. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Jane Campion’s 1993 film The Piano, the discovery of the political truth and the redemptive power of forgiveness enable characters to affirm and challenge their previously held attitudes and beliefs in order to attain new paradigms of themselves. Your introduction is three sentences long. There's no rule to say this isn't OK. I always suggest that introduction's and conclusions consist of four sentences at minimum. This typically gives enough room for fleshing of ideas, introduction of the texts, and also makes sure that it doesn't look like you've just hung some sentences at the start and end when what you're really interested in is the body paragraphs.
The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. Great link between rubric and text. However, I recommend starting all body paragraphs (and ending them) with a sentence that focuses on discovery without the texts. This shows the marker that you are letting your paragraph be directed by the area of study and not by the texts.In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. Your body paragraph is awesome in terms of textual analysis. You link quote, to technique, to significance really well. Unfortunately, the link to discovery isn't clear. You only use the word "discovery" in the opening and closing line. This should be something that you consistently touch base with throughout the paragraphs.
This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda, in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover - “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels.Awesome analysis. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.
As was the issue above, this doesn't deal with discovery in a seamless way throughout the paragraph. It is awesome that you are tying it in at the beginning and end, but it needs to be solidified in the middle to seal the deal! Again, textual analysis is awesome.
The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy. Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.
Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes. Good textual linking.
Discoveries are complex and transformative. I suggest that you make your discovery statements low modality in order to show that you are suggesting something and supporting it with texts - rather than stating it like it is a fact, when in reality, discovery has a protean nature. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.
The discovery of the political truth within The Tempest enables the Elizabethan Provincial order to be challenged. Great link between rubric and text. However, I recommend starting all body paragraphs (and ending them) with a sentence that focuses on discovery without the texts. This shows the marker that you are letting your paragraph be directed by the area of study and not by the texts.In the opening scene, the initial stage directions of “a tempestuous noise of thunder and lightening” is used to thrust the audience and characters into the plight of the action, creating dramatic tension and symbolising the destructive forces of human nature. As the storm ravages on, the fragility of power hierarchies are revealed and, in the face of death, rendered meaningless. This is communicated through the boatswain’s imperative tone in “What care these roarers for the name of king? … Trouble us not.” Antonio and Sebastian are furious at the social inversion and the audacity of the boatswain, communicated through their degrading insults such as "insolent noisemaker” and strong tone. Prospero’s ethnocentric worldview is affirmed by his belief in his superiority to other characters, further reflecting the Renaissance concept of colonisation and the patriarchal society. At the beginning of the play, Prospero's rulership is absolute, depending upon the enslavery of subordinate characters including Ariel and Caliban. Shakespeare includes a deliberate use of sarcasm and repetition when Prospero addresses Ariel in “Doust thou forget from what a torment I did free thee? Hast thou forgot her?” reflects how she owes Prospero loyalty and service. Additionally, Shakespeare employs deliberate dramatic irony in the fact that Prospero who had his power unjustly usurped by his brother Alonso, himself becomes the perpetrator of abuse and theft. This is highlighted through Caliban’s direct and accusatory language in “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me” and Shakespeare near anagram of the word ‘oppressor’ for Prospero. Furthermore, Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” is met with her submissive tone. Like Ada in The Piano, Miranda embodies the subordinate female within the patriarchal society through her gentle and relatively passive nature. This is highlighted in her empathetic tone “O, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer!” Whilst the tempest confronts the Elizabethan Order of the island, Prospero’s power over other characters acts to assert his superiority and leadership. As such, through the discovery of the political truth and the concept of dominance, The Tempest reflects the idea that discoveries can affirm or challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. Your body paragraph is awesome in terms of textual analysis. You link quote, to technique, to significance really well. Unfortunately, the link to discovery isn't clear. You only use the word "discovery" in the opening and closing line. This should be something that you consistently touch base with throughout the paragraphs.
This is comparable to Campions enigmatic film, The Piano which explores the discovery of the political truth and patriarchal society, evident during the context of mid-Victorian times. Ada is a young Scottish woman exiled by her father and “marooned” thousands of miles to an island, like Prospero and Miranda, in an arranged marriage. The overture scene is audibly differentiated from the rest of the film, as Ada speaks directly to the audience. Through the employment of a non-diegetic voiceover - “The voice you hear is not my speaking voice, but my mind’s voice” - Ada’s self-imposed muteness affirms her discovery of the hegemonic forces of the Victorian society, where she is dominated by the men above her, echoing the enslavement of Ariel and Caliban in The Tempest. Internal focalization creates an intensely intimate tone throughout the film as the audience is led by Ada’s perspective as she discovers her new place amidst the wilderness of New Zealand. Campion’s use of intensely blurred point of view and tilt angle shots create a hallucinatory effect conveying the overwhelming sense of isolation Ada feels.Awesome analysis. Additionally, the boggy undergrowth in which Ada finds so difficult to move and the forest becoming the limit of her horizons suggests her inability to escape. Throughout the film Ada’s husband, Stewart, is also identified with an axe, seen carrying it and chopping wood, associating him with the patriarchal and colonial destruction. Similarly to how Prospero’s power is dependent on his threats of life imprisonment and violence against other characters, Stewart’s power over Ada is a direct result of his decision to confine Ada to their house and cut off her fingers as retribution for her affair with Baines. However, many aspects of the film do represent Ada as a strong willed and powerful female who pursues freedom and equality. By doing so, Campion challenges audiences previously held belief in Ada’s submission and inferiority. The protagonist’s love for Baines is symbolic of her yearning to be freed from oppression and slavery. This is reiterated throughout the film as outside Stewart’s house the trees are gray and withered whereas Baine’s wooden-hut is amongst trees that are green and prosperous, blending in with the surrounding forest. Ada’s discovery of an equal relationship with Baines enables her to question her previously held attitude of passivity and asserts her desire of a new, free life. This is comparable to Gonzalo’s discovery of the beauty and tranquility of the island within The Tempest, leading him to envision a utopian world with future possibilities of an egalitarian society. As such, The Piano explores the discovery of the political truth as a process of challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes, leading to a change in one’s perspective of themselves and the world around them.
As was the issue above, this doesn't deal with discovery in a seamless way throughout the paragraph. It is awesome that you are tying it in at the beginning and end, but it needs to be solidified in the middle to seal the deal! Again, textual analysis is awesome.
The Tempest is concerned with the need for the redemptive power of forgiveness in the face of man’s inhumanity. Throughout the play, Prospero’s aim has been revenge, however, in the final act, he is finally moved to mercy. This is attributed to Ariel’s lyrical rhythm and vivid imagery when describing the prisoner’s remorsefulness in “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds,” evoking an emotional response within Prospero. As Ariel continues, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…mine would, sir, were I human,” his measured words and respectful tone acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s self-discovery. The fricative consonants and sharp tone in “my purpose doth extend not a frown further. Go, release them” suggests Prospero’s sudden realisation of his own inhumanity and the repercussions of his actions. Thus, Prospero decides to free his prisoners from their island captivity like Stewart enables Ada to leave their marriage in The Piano. As Prospero’s challenges his previously held self-illusions, Shakespeare dramatically presents human fallibility and the potential for action through moral judgement. Prospero’s reconsideration of his humanity is reiterated through the iambic pentameter of his speech, “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance.” His periods of neglectful rulership in Milan and his dreams of vengeance have hindered him from claiming the fullness of kindness and mercy. Although his enemies have wronged him deeply, Prospero uncovers his own conscious through his “nobler reason.” Furthermore, by abandoning his “fury” and “drowning” his magic books, Prospero attains a new perspective as he discovers the value of ethical leadership and benevolence. Therefore, the discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness as explored within The Tempest involves challenging an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs to attain new knowledge.
Similarly to Prospero, Ada from The Piano challenges and affirms her perspective of herself by means of self-forgiveness. Abused by her husband and repressed by the gender constraints of Victorian morality, Ada’s reckless attempt to end her own life is presented in a visually complex scene. Whilst leaving her arranged marriage and sailing to a new village with Baines, Ada pushes her beloved piano over the gunwale. She impulsively decides to sacrifice herself along with it, as a sudden close up shot captures her foot entangled in one of the binding ropes. Michael Nyman’s plaintive score and Campion’s slow-motion underwater cinematography stress the suspense and gravity of Ada’s decision. As the piano sinks, it represents the weight of the past and its ability to drag Ada to her death. She gazes calmly for a period, apparently reconciled to this death that she seems to have willed. Then, without premonition, she slips her shoe out of the knot that holds it and frees herself. Only when facing death, as her non-diegetic voice-over communicates, does her “will choose life.” As such, Ada leaves behind Stewart’s unyielding patriarchal ways and approaches life with a man associated with the Maori’s egalitarian perspective on life. Her rejection of the piano in the sea’s liminal space signifies her refusal of the circumstances that caused her to retreat to this voiceless oasis of expression. As Prospero drowns his magic books to discover the redemptive power of forgiveness, Ada severs her connection with her piano, that similarly gave her the power to express herself, to attain rejuvenation and become a better person. At the end of the film, Ada is practicing the rediscovered art of speech with Baines in a light-filled shot with a harmonious score, symbolising this new life. As such, comparable to The Tempest, the protagonist in The Piano, eventually obtains self-salvation and develops a new perspective of herself by challenging her previously held beliefs and attitudes. Good textual linking.
Discoveries are complex and transformative. I suggest that you make your discovery statements low modality in order to show that you are suggesting something and supporting it with texts - rather than stating it like it is a fact, when in reality, discovery has a protean nature. William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island to that of the political truth behind social hierarchies and the redemptive power of forgiveness. These discoveries continue in Jane Campion’s film The Piano through the representation of relationships that seek to control and shape the lives of others as well as the liberating potential of self-forgiveness. Whilst essentially different, both texts represent discoveries as a journey of attaining new perspectives of ourselves by challenging and affirming previously held beliefs and attitudes.
Awesome work! Your textual analysis is strong, it is definitely an asset in your essay!
The next steps for you:
-lengthening the introduction.
-making sure each paragraph clearly has the direction of discovery being explored stated at the beginning and end.
-Ensure that discovery is consistently dealt with throughout the paragraph. You could even link every single point to it, and then remove a few and join together some discovery statements to make sure you don't sound repetitive.
Again, I'm super apologetic that this took so long. It was a huge oversight and I'm thankful that you didn't stay quiet. I have no idea where my original response went. Hopefully this helps you out a little!
Post by: liiz on March 30, 2016, 09:10:07 pm
Hi Liiz,
Please accept my apology! I know I 100% marked your work and it has completely disappeared. I've just looked through various forums! Again, I'm really sorry. I really appreciate you bringing it to my attention because I would be gutted if you let it get swept under the rug. I also really appreciate your presence on AN! It's great having you around.
Hey Elyse, no worries about it! Thankyou so much for the feedback - super helpful and specific. You're the best!! :)
Post by: katherine123 on May 01, 2016, 08:25:34 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 02, 2016, 11:32:02 am
Hi can you mark my essay and cut out what is unnecessary? i nearly ran out of time during the test cuz its too long
Hey Katherine! No worries at all, since you specifically need some suggestions of what to cut I'll mark this a little differently. Your essay is attached, the things in red are things you can consider as less important/less powerful than other areas, and so you may want to cut them if you need to.
Spoiler
Discoveries can arise from unexpected confrontations of obstacles through the interaction with new worlds and people. These discoveries provide individuals new experiences which challenge their assumptions and offer them renewed perceptions, values and attitudes. However, these can result positive or negative outcomes, as it may not lead to an immediate sense of happiness. Michael Gow’s play, Away, portrays three intertwined Australian families undergoing a meaningful emotional discovery of the intrinsic and restorative value of familial love through the unexpected loss of their material possessions. Similarly, Guy de Maupassant’s short story, The Necklace, depicts a woman’s confronting emotional discovery of the distortive ideals of materialism, which produce overwhelming mental distress and physical degradation, leading to change in her outlook on life. Both texts encompass the re-evaluative process of discovery which results in a renewed perspective.
Self-awareness gained from introspective discovery is often resisted due to fear and trauma, however, it can be encouraged through interaction with new worlds and others. In Away, Gow demonstrates Gwen’s change in perception through the unexpected loss of her material possessions, which triggers an emotional discovery of her own pessimistic attitude that has fractured her family relationships. Gwen’s obsession with finding security in material things stems from her traumatic experience of poverty during the Great Depression of the 1930s. This is exemplified in her hyperbolic tone, "We've got a new caravan…everything in it you could want" which highlights her distorted belief that materialistic pursuits are the key to discovering happiness. Gwen’s criticism of Tom’s socioeconomic status, is evident in her comment, “No one asked them to come out to this country…I will not have you hanging around with that kind of life”. Gwen’s use of high modality language and a spiteful tone convey that she is principally driven by fears of economic insecurity and thus imposes this prejudicial attitude onto daughter, Meg. It is not until the dramatic storm, a symbolic manifestation of chaos but also renewal, that strips away Gwen’s possessions, shattering her sense of material security and rendering her vulnerable. After she discovers Tom’s impending death, she experiences anagnorisis, and becomes aware of her abrasive manner and condescension that have allowed her to reduce relationships to mere possessions. Her moment of self-reflection is portrayed through her apologetic, humbled conversation with Jim, “I’m sorry”, and accumulated rhetorical questions "what do you think of me? You must hate me?...”. Gwen’s transformation is also captured through the stage direction which marks the reconciliation of her family, whereby Meg helps Gwen by "carr(ying) in the suitcases" and Jim "embrace(s)" Gwen. These affectionate gestures communicate the family’s cohesion and reconciliation after Gwen discovers the immateriality of love. Hence, discoveries incorporate the re-evaluation of values and attitudes which culminates in a renewed perspective of self.
Similarly, discoveries can uncover false perceptions, instigating a renewal of values. In The Necklace, the character of Madame Loisel mirrors Gwen’s emotional discovery as her unrealistic aspirations and crippling fear of material deprivation have trapped her in “misery”. Her dissatisfaction with her hollow life is elucidated through the use of negative diction such as “bareness”, “shabby” and “ugliness” which highlights her belief that poor living conditions are restricting her joy. Her excessive desire for wealth is exemplified in "she imagined silent antechambers….she imagined vast saloons... ". The anaphora of "she imagined" reinforces the motif of a false reality and reveals that she ironically “imagine(s)” happiness through material objects. Later, she experiences an unexpected discovery of a “superb” diamond necklace, which provides her with the façade of belonging to the upper-class aristocracy. Her instant gratification is elucidated through the emotive language "lost in ecstasy”, which reveals her shallowness as she genuinely believes the guise of wealth will bring her happiness. In The Necklace, sudden and unexpected discoveries can precipitate a false perception of self which can further hinder the discovery of true happiness.
In contrast, Gow demonstrates that discoveries can lead individuals to relinquish their values and assumptions, resulting in a fresh and renewed perception. In Away, Tom experiences a meaningful emotional discovery triggered by the premature onset of death, which enables him to accept his own mortality. Tom’s initial struggle to accept his sickness is established through his desperate attempt to protect his parents from the suffering he knows is to come, "they musn't find out", where he admits in a fatalistic tone that he "won't get better". However, through courage and psychological resilience, Tom is able to overcome his fear of death, which is epitomised through his optimistic tone “I could build myself up”, revealing his determination to discover happiness within his remaining time. Gow intertextually portrays Tom as Shakespeare’s tragic King Lear, which is reflected in Tom’s final admission that he will "unburden'd crawl towards death". Here, the use of hyperbaton places emphasis on “unburden'd", which suggests that Tom has exalted himself above all that is weighing him down. Tom is later able to realise his ability to facilitate the reunion of actors which is foreshadowed at the opening of the play, “Give me your hands…Robin shall restore amends”. Here, Gow alludes to Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream by depicting Tom as the mischievous, Puck, who helps to restore order and heal relationships. Ultimately, Tom relishes in moments of happiness despite grief as he discovers his ability to restore hope and assists others like Gwen towards reconciliation, which confirms his meaningful emotional discovery that leads to a fresh perception of himself.
Conversely, Guy De Maupassant demonstrates that discoveries enable individuals to re-evaluate their unrealistic ideals, resulting in a renewed perception of self. In The Necklace, Madame Loisel, through the loss of a precious necklace, discovers the harsh reality of her distorted views that lead her to perpetual unhappiness. The anaphora of “without” in “without strength to go to bed…without fire”, reveals the shattering of her false reality of materialism as she plunges into mental degradation. This is further elucidated through the juxtaposition of "her dainty fingers and rosy nails" and "greasy pot and pans", which indicates the dramatic outcome of hardship, causing her to metaphorically "age five years". Ultimately, she obtains a renewed perception of life as she proclaims, “Who knows? Who knows? How strange life is…!”, where her rhetorical questions reinforce the realisation that she has drowned in vanity and perpetual dissatisfaction due to her obsessive desire for wealth and status. Her eventual acceptance of her low-class lifestyle is conveyed through the truncated sentence “she would pay (the debt)”. The Necklace reveals that discoveries can lead individuals to re-evaluate their values and attitudes through the realisation of their false assumptions, which precipitate a renewed perception of the realities of life.
In conclusion, through both texts, Away and The Necklace, it is evident that an individual’s interaction with unfamiliar environments and people, can lead individuals to the renewal of perception of themselves and the world. These discoveries may differ by imbuing their life with happiness or tragedy, and thus can be either positive or negative in nature. However, all discoveries enable individuals to come to terms with their decisions and re-evaluate their outlook on life.
Self-awareness gained from introspective discovery is often resisted due to fear and trauma, however, it can be encouraged through interaction with new worlds and others. In Away, Gow demonstrates Gwen’s change in perception through the unexpected loss of her material possessions, which triggers an emotional discovery of her own pessimistic attitude that has fractured her family relationships. Gwen’s obsession with finding security in material things stems from her traumatic experience of poverty during the Great Depression of the 1930s. This is exemplified in her hyperbolic tone, "We've got a new caravan…everything in it you could want" which highlights her distorted belief that materialistic pursuits are the key to discovering happiness. Gwen’s criticism of Tom’s socioeconomic status, is evident in her comment, “No one asked them to come out to this country…I will not have you hanging around with that kind of life”. Gwen’s use of high modality language and a spiteful tone convey that she is principally driven by fears of economic insecurity and thus imposes this prejudicial attitude onto daughter, Meg. It is not until the dramatic storm, a symbolic manifestation of chaos but also renewal, that strips away Gwen’s possessions, shattering her sense of material security and rendering her vulnerable. After she discovers Tom’s impending death, she experiences anagnorisis, and becomes aware of her abrasive manner and condescension that have allowed her to reduce relationships to mere possessions. Her moment of self-reflection is portrayed through her apologetic, humbled conversation with Jim, “I’m sorry”, and accumulated rhetorical questions "what do you think of me? You must hate me?...”. Gwen’s transformation is also captured through the stage direction which marks the reconciliation of her family, whereby Meg helps Gwen by "carr(ying) in the suitcases" and Jim "embrace(s)" Gwen. These affectionate gestures communicate the family’s cohesion and reconciliation after Gwen discovers the immateriality of love. Hence, discoveries incorporate the re-evaluation of values and attitudes which culminates in a renewed perspective of self.
Similarly, discoveries can uncover false perceptions, instigating a renewal of values. In The Necklace, the character of Madame Loisel mirrors Gwen’s emotional discovery as her unrealistic aspirations and crippling fear of material deprivation have trapped her in “misery”. Her dissatisfaction with her hollow life is elucidated through the use of negative diction such as “bareness”, “shabby” and “ugliness” which highlights her belief that poor living conditions are restricting her joy. Her excessive desire for wealth is exemplified in "she imagined silent antechambers….she imagined vast saloons... ". The anaphora of "she imagined" reinforces the motif of a false reality and reveals that she ironically “imagine(s)” happiness through material objects. Later, she experiences an unexpected discovery of a “superb” diamond necklace, which provides her with the façade of belonging to the upper-class aristocracy. Her instant gratification is elucidated through the emotive language "lost in ecstasy”, which reveals her shallowness as she genuinely believes the guise of wealth will bring her happiness. In The Necklace, sudden and unexpected discoveries can precipitate a false perception of self which can further hinder the discovery of true happiness.
In contrast, Gow demonstrates that discoveries can lead individuals to relinquish their values and assumptions, resulting in a fresh and renewed perception. In Away, Tom experiences a meaningful emotional discovery triggered by the premature onset of death, which enables him to accept his own mortality. Tom’s initial struggle to accept his sickness is established through his desperate attempt to protect his parents from the suffering he knows is to come, "they musn't find out", where he admits in a fatalistic tone that he "won't get better". However, through courage and psychological resilience, Tom is able to overcome his fear of death, which is epitomised through his optimistic tone “I could build myself up”, revealing his determination to discover happiness within his remaining time. Gow intertextually portrays Tom as Shakespeare’s tragic King Lear, which is reflected in Tom’s final admission that he will "unburden'd crawl towards death". Here, the use of hyperbaton places emphasis on “unburden'd", which suggests that Tom has exalted himself above all that is weighing him down. Tom is later able to realise his ability to facilitate the reunion of actors which is foreshadowed at the opening of the play, “Give me your hands…Robin shall restore amends”. Here, Gow alludes to Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream by depicting Tom as the mischievous, Puck, who helps to restore order and heal relationships. Ultimately, Tom relishes in moments of happiness despite grief as he discovers his ability to restore hope and assists others like Gwen towards reconciliation, which confirms his meaningful emotional discovery that leads to a fresh perception of himself.
Conversely, Guy De Maupassant demonstrates that discoveries enable individuals to re-evaluate their unrealistic ideals, resulting in a renewed perception of self. In The Necklace, Madame Loisel, through the loss of a precious necklace, discovers the harsh reality of her distorted views that lead her to perpetual unhappiness. The anaphora of “without” in “without strength to go to bed…without fire”, reveals the shattering of her false reality of materialism as she plunges into mental degradation. This is further elucidated through the juxtaposition of "her dainty fingers and rosy nails" and "greasy pot and pans", which indicates the dramatic outcome of hardship, causing her to metaphorically "age five years". Ultimately, she obtains a renewed perception of life as she proclaims, “Who knows? Who knows? How strange life is…!”, where her rhetorical questions reinforce the realisation that she has drowned in vanity and perpetual dissatisfaction due to her obsessive desire for wealth and status. Her eventual acceptance of her low-class lifestyle is conveyed through the truncated sentence “she would pay (the debt)”. The Necklace reveals that discoveries can lead individuals to re-evaluate their values and attitudes through the realisation of their false assumptions, which precipitate a renewed perception of the realities of life.
In conclusion, through both texts, Away and The Necklace, it is evident that an individual’s interaction with unfamiliar environments and people, can lead individuals to the renewal of perception of themselves and the world. These discoveries may differ by imbuing their life with happiness or tragedy, and thus can be either positive or negative in nature. However, all discoveries enable individuals to come to terms with their decisions and re-evaluate their outlook on life.
This cuts about 200-250 words from your essay length, bringing you to about 900 words. This could still be a bit long, but it is a start! ;D note also that in some places (your Thesis particularly), me removing a sentence has interrupted your train of thought, and this may require some fixing. In your Thesis, you'll need to add some detail, try listing your arguments for the following paragraphs! We just didn't need that much detail in a plot synopsis in the Thesis, focus on the conceptual stuff! :D
As some general points of feedback:
- Many of the things I highlighted as potentially redundant were related to the plot of each text. Yes, you do need to explain what is happening in the text, but it should not be the focus. The focus must be on the techniques and representation, never mention anything about the text without explaining what it says about your ideas.
- Ensure that all of your techniques and textual analysis links to the idea in your paragraph. There were times when the ideas you presented with the techniques did not necessarily relate directly (or linked only weakly) to your Paragraph Topic.
- Remember that "Gwen" and other characters do not use, for example, "high modality language." This is all done by the composer, who chooses this representation of the character to create meaning.
Besides this, you have a strong conceptual thesis that is re-enforced well by your paragraph topics, and a multitude of techniques and explanations. For me, it is your analysis of those techniques that needs a little work to bump you up just that little bit more ;D great work!
Post by: brontem on May 03, 2016, 12:30:58 pm
When is the next time that you can gain teacher feedback? Is it after the half yearly? Or before? :)
Hey Elyse!! We just got our half yearly results back for our discovery paper 1 and I really just want to say thank you so much, because my discovery essay got 20/20!! Although I really did luck out with the question (It was "Discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. - Discuss" or something with that rubric line) I really wouldn't have been able to write anything to get that mark without your help!! English has been an endless struggle for me, and you've seriously really helped me. I cried like a baby for a few minutes (let me paint you a picture - 2 classes packed into one room, me, on the floor, crying. yep.)
Sorry this is really long (and irrelevant to the AOS marking) but, I really, truly, appreciate your help in marking my essay, I seriously wouldn't have been able to do it without your help!!
Thank you so so much!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 03, 2016, 03:09:51 pm
Hey Elyse!! We just got our half yearly results back for our discovery paper 1 and I really just want to say thank you so much, because my discovery essay got 20/20!! Although I really did luck out with the question (It was "Discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. - Discuss" or something with that rubric line) I really wouldn't have been able to write anything to get that mark without your help!! English has been an endless struggle for me, and you've seriously really helped me. I cried like a baby for a few minutes (let me paint you a picture - 2 classes packed into one room, me, on the floor, crying. yep.)
Sorry this is really long (and irrelevant to the AOS marking) but, I really, truly, appreciate your help in marking my essay, I seriously wouldn't have been able to do it without your help!!
Thank you so so much!!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! This made my day, great job brontem, this is why Elyse and I (and others) offer this service, for happy moments like that ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 04, 2016, 02:01:43 pm
Hey Elyse!! We just got our half yearly results back for our discovery paper 1 and I really just want to say thank you so much, because my discovery essay got 20/20!! Although I really did luck out with the question (It was "Discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. - Discuss" or something with that rubric line) I really wouldn't have been able to write anything to get that mark without your help!! English has been an endless struggle for me, and you've seriously really helped me. I cried like a baby for a few minutes (let me paint you a picture - 2 classes packed into one room, me, on the floor, crying. yep.)
Sorry this is really long (and irrelevant to the AOS marking) but, I really, truly, appreciate your help in marking my essay, I seriously wouldn't have been able to do it without your help!!
Thank you so so much!!
Amazing! I'm so stoked for you! But I just want to be clear - you get that 20/20. You went out on a limb to post your essay, and then you took on the feedback, then posted again, took the feedback again! Amazing!
You cried in your classroom, and reading this I went all wobbly lipped on the train. Keep on doing what you're doing!
Maybe put the essay to rest for a few weeks, then whip it out again and see if there's anything you can improve to make sure its applicable to as many rubric points as possible. You're going to smash this!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 06, 2016, 08:28:31 pm
Hey
So I have written this essay on John Donne. I am having trouble with the 3rd paragraph (I cant seem to find any techniques in the quote). Can you please tell me where I am at :). The 2nd paragraph is a little longer because the question asked for that poem specifically with reference to a least one other. :) :) :)
P.S The question was; How does our understanding of the Renaissance enhance our interpretation of Donne's work?
Hey Alalamc!! I've attached your essay below! For future reference, this is a Discovery essay thread, next time, post your Module essays in our Advanced Module Marking Thread or Standard Module Marking Thread as appropriate!!
Spoiler
The approbation for classical languages and the values of ancient worlds; pursued through the wonder for the aesthetic past, acts as a dynamic initiator for modern culture. This is a really unique Thesis! I've never seen it before, I like it!! Such legacy enhances ones interpretation of metaphysical poet; John Donne’s, Holy Sonnets; “This is my Plays last scene TIMPLS” “The Relique TR” and “The Apparition TA”. Movements, as the Renaissance glorified preconceptions which otherwise would be seen as acts of vanquishment in the 16th Century, including; death, doubt and lost love. That sentence doesn't quite read properly, take another look? This notion not only ensured the regeneration of the classical past but also the enduring impact of such values on attitudes to social organisations and government. Though this is a short intro, it is loaded with a LOT of ideas, really great stuff! Perhaps consider expanding on that thought process in the middle a bit to round it out.
TIMPLS, through biblical allusion, expresses the paradox of death, challenging ones’ apperception of themselves, their sin and the universe. Make sure that before you hook into techniques and analysis, introduce your paragraph! Have a topic sentence which summarises your ideas, which I know this does, but I need something a little more summative. No techniques in the first sentence! Metaphorically referencing the personas’ life as a “pilgrimage”, Donne foreshadows the religious immaculacy of one’s soul after death. Such metaphysical conceit, positions death triumphant over Sin, adhering to TIMPLS principle objective. I'd word this slightly differently as 'Donne's' objective, slightly more appropriate. Moreover, the stark juxtaposition of tone and atmosphere between the euphemistic use of death, “I shall sleep a space” and the metaphoric allusion to spirituality “My ever-waking part shall see that face” intensifies the appraisal of the world after “gluttonous death”. The use of assonance implies the conception of spiritual continuity. The techniques are so strong in this paragraph, excellent! Such impression is further glorified through stereotypical pronouns; “her” delineating positive connotative values of beauty and gentleness, reflecting renaissance values of love. Thus Donne objectifies the axiomatic preconceptions of death, inferred by society and positions such circumstances instead, as metaphysical accomplishment. That paragraph had some very powerful analysis, great work! Just needs that introductory sentence, the conclusion is strong!
In similar context TR, enunciates an attempt to deceive death through love. Here is the style of introduction I wanted earlier! Try and give the detail you had in that first paragraph, this is a little light. The sonnet is an extended metaphor for an argument of the immortality of love on the grounds of notoriety. During Donne’s time, the Jacobean era saw the first establishment of English colonies in North America and the era of the famous ‘gunpowder plot’ to blow up parliament and Westminster. Donne himself perceived it as a time where “the new philosophy calls all in doubt”. The subject matter ‘doubt’ subjugates his religious poetry as he appraises his relationship with God. The disrepute nature of “a time… where mis-devotion doth commands” is expressed through Donne’s vernacular, subjective application of gender stereotypes. Both the persona and his lover are declared “relics” of love, in the same way Roman Catholic cultures declared objects of veneration, religious relics. Donne’s use wit for characterisation “Thou shalt be a Mary Magdalen”, metaphorically adduces the female lover as a figure of both sin and faith. We are getting lots of explanation in this paragraph, but less of audience impact, what should the audience take from this? Remember to continually link back to what the audience gets from the text. Such juxtaposition enhances the religious satire of the re-establishment of catholic views and divine directions of the modern world; “nature, injured by late law”. In addition, such conception is enhanced through the tautology of the metonymic view of women “to be more than one a bed”. The combination of satirical humour and wit induce an atmosphere concerning humour, further enhanced with the symbolic application of “relics”, Donne implies the continuity of love and humour even after death. Hence Donne positions love; a doctrinal notion, as transcendent over sin and death.Yep, not much at all to say about this paragraph, I think it is fabulous! Try adding a little more depth to your intro and conclusion, and also, remember to link back to what WE, as an audience, take away from the text. That's the focus of the question: "our understanding."
In contrast TA is a seductive sonnet, which satirically imitates the poetry of Petrarch; 14th century Italian poet. Cool intro, I like what it does contain, but it lacks the conceptual base of the other two! TA is as such an exaggeration of the Petrarchan idea that a rejected lover may die as result of rejection. Being a poet of the Elizabethan and Jacobean eras, Donne utilises the indirect, intertextual allusion of 16th Century Renaissance superstitions and conventions of death and love, as a framework to conjure an image aimed at intimidating his unwilling beloved, “When by thy scorn, O murderess, I am dead”……
Thus, Donne reconciles the teachings of God with his experience as a human in the modern world as well as depicts love as the highest ideal in human affairs to which TIMPLS, TR and TA are a testament to. Not only does his poetry entwine 16th century social, cultural and historical contexts but further on matured to be more introspective through his use of metaphysical wit, divulging into Donne’s perspective of world values. Thus, we as an audience come to our understanding that...: (would be the last sentence I'd like to see here)
TIMPLS, through biblical allusion, expresses the paradox of death, challenging ones’ apperception of themselves, their sin and the universe. Make sure that before you hook into techniques and analysis, introduce your paragraph! Have a topic sentence which summarises your ideas, which I know this does, but I need something a little more summative. No techniques in the first sentence! Metaphorically referencing the personas’ life as a “pilgrimage”, Donne foreshadows the religious immaculacy of one’s soul after death. Such metaphysical conceit, positions death triumphant over Sin, adhering to TIMPLS principle objective. I'd word this slightly differently as 'Donne's' objective, slightly more appropriate. Moreover, the stark juxtaposition of tone and atmosphere between the euphemistic use of death, “I shall sleep a space” and the metaphoric allusion to spirituality “My ever-waking part shall see that face” intensifies the appraisal of the world after “gluttonous death”. The use of assonance implies the conception of spiritual continuity. The techniques are so strong in this paragraph, excellent! Such impression is further glorified through stereotypical pronouns; “her” delineating positive connotative values of beauty and gentleness, reflecting renaissance values of love. Thus Donne objectifies the axiomatic preconceptions of death, inferred by society and positions such circumstances instead, as metaphysical accomplishment. That paragraph had some very powerful analysis, great work! Just needs that introductory sentence, the conclusion is strong!
In similar context TR, enunciates an attempt to deceive death through love. Here is the style of introduction I wanted earlier! Try and give the detail you had in that first paragraph, this is a little light. The sonnet is an extended metaphor for an argument of the immortality of love on the grounds of notoriety. During Donne’s time, the Jacobean era saw the first establishment of English colonies in North America and the era of the famous ‘gunpowder plot’ to blow up parliament and Westminster. Donne himself perceived it as a time where “the new philosophy calls all in doubt”. The subject matter ‘doubt’ subjugates his religious poetry as he appraises his relationship with God. The disrepute nature of “a time… where mis-devotion doth commands” is expressed through Donne’s vernacular, subjective application of gender stereotypes. Both the persona and his lover are declared “relics” of love, in the same way Roman Catholic cultures declared objects of veneration, religious relics. Donne’s use wit for characterisation “Thou shalt be a Mary Magdalen”, metaphorically adduces the female lover as a figure of both sin and faith. We are getting lots of explanation in this paragraph, but less of audience impact, what should the audience take from this? Remember to continually link back to what the audience gets from the text. Such juxtaposition enhances the religious satire of the re-establishment of catholic views and divine directions of the modern world; “nature, injured by late law”. In addition, such conception is enhanced through the tautology of the metonymic view of women “to be more than one a bed”. The combination of satirical humour and wit induce an atmosphere concerning humour, further enhanced with the symbolic application of “relics”, Donne implies the continuity of love and humour even after death. Hence Donne positions love; a doctrinal notion, as transcendent over sin and death.Yep, not much at all to say about this paragraph, I think it is fabulous! Try adding a little more depth to your intro and conclusion, and also, remember to link back to what WE, as an audience, take away from the text. That's the focus of the question: "our understanding."
In contrast TA is a seductive sonnet, which satirically imitates the poetry of Petrarch; 14th century Italian poet. Cool intro, I like what it does contain, but it lacks the conceptual base of the other two! TA is as such an exaggeration of the Petrarchan idea that a rejected lover may die as result of rejection. Being a poet of the Elizabethan and Jacobean eras, Donne utilises the indirect, intertextual allusion of 16th Century Renaissance superstitions and conventions of death and love, as a framework to conjure an image aimed at intimidating his unwilling beloved, “When by thy scorn, O murderess, I am dead”……
Thus, Donne reconciles the teachings of God with his experience as a human in the modern world as well as depicts love as the highest ideal in human affairs to which TIMPLS, TR and TA are a testament to. Not only does his poetry entwine 16th century social, cultural and historical contexts but further on matured to be more introspective through his use of metaphysical wit, divulging into Donne’s perspective of world values. Thus, we as an audience come to our understanding that...: (would be the last sentence I'd like to see here)
This is a REALLY great essay, like wow! It's a really unique Thesis with powerful techniques and linked concepts, excellent work! You are tying in context and purpose really well also ;D
There are minor structural issues which I've mentioned, but my big improvement would be ensuring you mention the impact on the audience. What do we take away from a text? What do we learn? In this way, you address "our understanding," and "our interpretation," which is the focus of the question. Don't just explain what Donne wanted to achieve, what did we actually learn from the representation. Be sure you link to OUR understanding of the Renaissance too, but I'd say you are handling the contextual element of the question really well already.
That third paragraph definitely needs some expansion, but if you keep on the same track as the other two, it will be great! If you are having trouble with techniques in that particular work, you have two options. The first is to change texts, but since this isn't likely possible, your second option is to turn your structure around a bit. Talk about every sonnet in every paragraph, and instead of having paragraphs separated by text, separate them by context. For example, you could have a paragraph on love, one on death (very simplified). This is called an integrated response, and I'm happy to expand on that if you are interested!
That said, keep spying for techniques! Remember textual form and style can qualify, but your other two paragraphs are so strong, it won't do you any good to drop it off in the final paragraph!
Really great work Alalamc!! Hope this feedback helps ;D
Post by: Alalamc on May 06, 2016, 09:12:57 pm
Hey Alalamc!! I've attached your essay below! For future reference, this is a Discovery essay thread, next time, post your Module essays in our Advanced Module Marking Thread or Standard Module Marking Thread as appropriate!!
Omg Im so sorry didnt realise as I had only used this thread so far ☺. Will do nxt time.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 06, 2016, 11:37:48 pm
Omg Im so sorry didnt realise as I had only used this thread so far ☺. Will do nxt time.
Totally fine Alalamc, not a problem at all!! ;D
Post by: aqsarana_ on June 11, 2016, 10:38:20 pm
Discovery is a multifaceted process providing insight for individuals and society. The progression of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series aired in 2011, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging the human condition. The displacement of individuals to new plains becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the human condition and impacts of discovery in understanding individual experience.
Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. Initially, a form of instability in the human condition restricted the connection with the plight of others. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, connoting his lack of empathy to create a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren as being the main focus, corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the progression of discovery. The characterisation of Darren in particular, gives an insight into the renewal of perceptions accompanied by the process of discovery.
Discovery of power and accepted perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.
Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and exasperating. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures depicts feelings of distress, further enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising the weak nature of the human condition that restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her new understandings. The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation as a renewal for the human condition.
The physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can be transformative to impose negative ramifications. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of the indigenous existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.
For some, discoveries can be fresh and meaningful. Participants in Go Back were initially blinded and egocentric, stopping them from seeing the goodness in humanity. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, not in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. Through his experiential process, Adam is forced to question his existing perceptions, leading to his maturation symbolic to the renewal of the human condition. Back in Malaysia while working with the Chins, Adam’s questioning of the situation is shown through his centrality in the foreground corresponding with the setting in the middle ground, displaying how the realisation of truth can be beneficial to the human nature. The close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.
The forceful assimilation of different cultures facilitates the understanding of the underlying truth. Similar to Go Back, Parr’s The national picture represents the effects of discovery in diminishing previously held beliefs. The neckerchief worn by the Indigenous man is a paradoxical juxtaposition exposing the forceful assimilation of indigenous people, the colours symbolic to the aboriginal culture expressed in the scarf is ironically wrapped in a European style. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society. Through this forceful representation, the artist comments on the lack of individuality and the negative ramifications of colonisation in restricting human ability and thought, thus questioning the traditional ideas of imperialism to reveal the underlying truth.
The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. Through the use of visual and film techniques, O’Mahoney and Parr explore the complexity of the human condition, and in doing so, comment on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth.
Post by: Jimmy Barnes on June 14, 2016, 08:39:17 am
BTW cheers for all the consistently good work you guys are all doing, you're lifesavers
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 14, 2016, 09:59:13 am
Hi, i have attached my discovery essay below. Can i please get feedback for it? Thank you.
Hello! I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier :( Especially for a fellow studier of "Go back to where you came from!" I studied that too, so I'm excited to lend a hand :)
If you haven't already seen it, you can download my own essay with GBTWYCF online for free here.
Your essay without any of my own comments is in this spoiler here:
Spoiler
Discovery is a multifaceted process providing insight for individuals and society. The progression of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series aired in 2011, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging the human condition. The displacement of individuals to new plains becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the human condition and impacts of discovery in understanding individual experience.
Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. Initially, a form of instability in the human condition restricted the connection with the plight of others. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, connoting his lack of empathy to create a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren as being the main focus, corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the progression of discovery. The characterisation of Darren in particular, gives an insight into the renewal of perceptions accompanied by the process of discovery.
Discovery of power and accepted perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.
Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and exasperating. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures depicts feelings of distress, further enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising the weak nature of the human condition that restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her new understandings. The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation as a renewal for the human condition.
The physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can be transformative to impose negative ramifications. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of the indigenous existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.
For some, discoveries can be fresh and meaningful. Participants in Go Back were initially blinded and egocentric, stopping them from seeing the goodness in humanity. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, not in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. Through his experiential process, Adam is forced to question his existing perceptions, leading to his maturation symbolic to the renewal of the human condition. Back in Malaysia while working with the Chins, Adam’s questioning of the situation is shown through his centrality in the foreground corresponding with the setting in the middle ground, displaying how the realisation of truth can be beneficial to the human nature. The close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.
The forceful assimilation of different cultures facilitates the understanding of the underlying truth. Similar to Go Back, Parr’s The national picture represents the effects of discovery in diminishing previously held beliefs. The neckerchief worn by the Indigenous man is a paradoxical juxtaposition exposing the forceful assimilation of indigenous people, the colours symbolic to the aboriginal culture expressed in the scarf is ironically wrapped in a European style. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society. Through this forceful representation, the artist comments on the lack of individuality and the negative ramifications of colonisation in restricting human ability and thought, thus questioning the traditional ideas of imperialism to reveal the underlying truth.
The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. Through the use of visual and film techniques, O’Mahoney and Parr explore the complexity of the human condition, and in doing so, comment on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth.
Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. Initially, a form of instability in the human condition restricted the connection with the plight of others. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, connoting his lack of empathy to create a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren as being the main focus, corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the progression of discovery. The characterisation of Darren in particular, gives an insight into the renewal of perceptions accompanied by the process of discovery.
Discovery of power and accepted perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.
Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and exasperating. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures depicts feelings of distress, further enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising the weak nature of the human condition that restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her new understandings. The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation as a renewal for the human condition.
The physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can be transformative to impose negative ramifications. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of the indigenous existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.
For some, discoveries can be fresh and meaningful. Participants in Go Back were initially blinded and egocentric, stopping them from seeing the goodness in humanity. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, not in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. Through his experiential process, Adam is forced to question his existing perceptions, leading to his maturation symbolic to the renewal of the human condition. Back in Malaysia while working with the Chins, Adam’s questioning of the situation is shown through his centrality in the foreground corresponding with the setting in the middle ground, displaying how the realisation of truth can be beneficial to the human nature. The close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.
The forceful assimilation of different cultures facilitates the understanding of the underlying truth. Similar to Go Back, Parr’s The national picture represents the effects of discovery in diminishing previously held beliefs. The neckerchief worn by the Indigenous man is a paradoxical juxtaposition exposing the forceful assimilation of indigenous people, the colours symbolic to the aboriginal culture expressed in the scarf is ironically wrapped in a European style. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society. Through this forceful representation, the artist comments on the lack of individuality and the negative ramifications of colonisation in restricting human ability and thought, thus questioning the traditional ideas of imperialism to reveal the underlying truth.
The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. Through the use of visual and film techniques, O’Mahoney and Parr explore the complexity of the human condition, and in doing so, comment on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth.
and your essay with my own comments in bold font throughout is here:
Spoiler
Discovery is a multifaceted process providing new? different? altered? renewed? I think an adjective might work well here! insight for individuals and society. The progression of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a TV documentary series aired in 2011, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging the human condition. The displacement of individuals to new plains becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the human condition and impacts of discovery in understanding individual experience. I love this introduction! You should be super stoked with this. I really think that this essay is great for adapting as well. So when you get into an exam and see the question, there is a lot that you can do with this introduction.
Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. Initially, a form of instability in the human condition restricted the connection with the plight of others in Go Back.... Oops, we haven't introduced the text we are talking about yet. I know you're talking about Go Back because I analysed the same technique, but we have to state the text :)The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, connoting his lack of empathy to create a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant,Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees When is the eye-level camera used? Is it in an indirect interview? In a written text, you don't have to always state where the quote comes from. But with a film, eye-level camera can be used anywhere. So it's good to clarify. Excellent analysis though - eye to eye!. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individualswith after discovering insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren as being the main focus, corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the progression of discovery. The characterisation of Darren in particular, gives an insight into the renewal of perceptions accompanied by the process of discovery. You've used a lot of techniques here which is so good to see. You've done a really really good job here.
Discovery of power and accepted perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The "accepted perspectives" in this part of the thesis is a bit unclear to me. Someone has discovered accepted perspectives? Try re-organise this sentence a bit or choose different wording, I'm not quite following what you intend for the thesis :) The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people. Indigenous is an adjective, not a noun., revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous people, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. Really great analysis. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.
Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and exasperating. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures depicts feelings of distress, further enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising the weak nature of the human condition that restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her new understandings. The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation as a renewal for the human condition. I am seriously so impressed! Awesome stuff here.
The physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can be transformative to impose negative ramifications. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous peopledue to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of the indigenous existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.
For some, discoveries can be fresh and meaningful. Participants in Go Back were initially blinded and egocentric, stopping them from seeing the goodness in humanity. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” The parts I've added in bold - I think this just adds a bit more clarity to the fact that you are quoting Adam. This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. Through his experiential process, Adam is forced to question his existing perceptions, leading to his maturation which is symbolic to the renewal of the human condition.Back in Malaysia while working with the Chins, Adam’s questioning of the situation is shown through his centrality in the foreground corresponding with the setting in the middle ground, displaying how the realisation of truth can be beneficial to the human nature. The close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.
The forceful assimilation of different cultures facilitates the understanding of the underlying truth. Similar to Go Back, Parr’s The national picture represents the effects of discovery in diminishing previously held beliefs. The neckerchief worn by the Indigenous man is a paradoxical juxtaposition exposing the forceful assimilation of indigenous people, the colours symbolic to the aboriginal culture expressed in the scarf is ironically wrapped in a European style. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society. Through this forceful representation, the artist comments on the lack of individuality and the negative ramifications of colonisation in restricting human ability and thought, thus questioning the traditional ideas of imperialism to reveal the underlying truth.
The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power becomes a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. Through the use of visual and film techniques, O’Mahoney and Parr explore the complexity of the human condition, and in doing so, comment on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Just to make this conclusion slightly longer, I'd deal with each of the texts in their own sentence instead of just one.
Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. Initially, a form of instability in the human condition restricted the connection with the plight of others in Go Back.... Oops, we haven't introduced the text we are talking about yet. I know you're talking about Go Back because I analysed the same technique, but we have to state the text :)The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, connoting his lack of empathy to create a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant,Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees When is the eye-level camera used? Is it in an indirect interview? In a written text, you don't have to always state where the quote comes from. But with a film, eye-level camera can be used anywhere. So it's good to clarify. Excellent analysis though - eye to eye!. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals
Discovery of power and accepted perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The "accepted perspectives" in this part of the thesis is a bit unclear to me. Someone has discovered accepted perspectives? Try re-organise this sentence a bit or choose different wording, I'm not quite following what you intend for the thesis :) The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people. Indigenous is an adjective, not a noun., revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous people, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. Really great analysis. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.
Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and exasperating. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures depicts feelings of distress, further enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising the weak nature of the human condition that restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her new understandings. The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation as a renewal for the human condition. I am seriously so impressed! Awesome stuff here.
The physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can be transformative to impose negative ramifications. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous peopledue to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of the indigenous existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.
For some, discoveries can be fresh and meaningful. Participants in Go Back were initially blinded and egocentric, stopping them from seeing the goodness in humanity. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” The parts I've added in bold - I think this just adds a bit more clarity to the fact that you are quoting Adam. This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. Through his experiential process, Adam is forced to question his existing perceptions, leading to his maturation which is symbolic to the renewal of the human condition.
The forceful assimilation of different cultures facilitates the understanding of the underlying truth. Similar to Go Back, Parr’s The national picture represents the effects of discovery in diminishing previously held beliefs. The neckerchief worn by the Indigenous man is a paradoxical juxtaposition exposing the forceful assimilation of indigenous people, the colours symbolic to the aboriginal culture expressed in the scarf is ironically wrapped in a European style. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society. Through this forceful representation, the artist comments on the lack of individuality and the negative ramifications of colonisation in restricting human ability and thought, thus questioning the traditional ideas of imperialism to reveal the underlying truth.
The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power becomes a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. Through the use of visual and film techniques, O’Mahoney and Parr explore the complexity of the human condition, and in doing so, comment on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Just to make this conclusion slightly longer, I'd deal with each of the texts in their own sentence instead of just one.
You've done a SERIOUSLY excellent job here! You should be so stoked. Everything I've suggested is quite minor. I think the next step for you is to get your hands on as many papers as you can (including last year's hsc paper) and adapt your essay to those questions. This will be a real test for your essay, but I think you've done a wonderful job so it won't be too hard.
It's a pleasure to read this essay :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 14, 2016, 10:47:00 am
This is an adaptable essay I am writing for the discovery AOS and I am aiming to make it adaptable as possible, would you be able to quickly run over and tell me where I can improve?
BTW cheers for all the consistently good work you guys are all doing, you're lifesavers
Haha thanks Jimmy Barnes, we appreciate it :)
Here is your essay without comments:
Spoiler
The conceptual essence of discovery entails a journey that is transformative and concerns one’s relationship with one’s self or one’s world. Discoveries can be either sought or serendipitous and can lead to auspicious or adverse consequences, but ultimately, (Integrate Thesis). This facet of discovery is elucidated upon in Shakespeare’s metatheatrical play, The Tempest and Lewis Carroll’s 19th century children’s novel, Alice in Wonderland. Both these texts integrate the themes of disillusionment and freedom throughout as a medium for underpinning their respective, yet strikingly homogenous representations of discovery as a (Integrate Thesis).
Shakespeare’s, The Tempest, as suggested by the title is partly about the devastating power of nature as a force, however is oftentimes associated with the notion of a disillusionment, be it physical, psychological or emotional. This journey leads to innumerable discoveries which (Integrate Thesis). There are two prominent journeys throughout the play that exemplify this notion, being Caliban’s relationship with Stephano and Miranda’s escape from her microcosm. Caliban’s journey can be summated Act 5 Scene 1 after Caliban’s journey through the island with Stephano when Caliban says, “What a thrice double ass I was to take this drunkard for a God”. Shakespeare’s use of dramatic irony serves to reify the audience’s speculation that Stephano is a ‘drunkard’, highlighting Caliban’s disillusionment towards Stephano, foregrounding Caliban’s (Integrate Thesis). One other aspect of disillusionment presented in The Tempest, is Miranda’s discovery of the world beyond Prospero and Caliban. This notion is encapsulated in Act 5 Scene 1 when Miranda says, ‘O Wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world’. Arguably one of Shakespeare’s most famous quotes, Miranda’s tortured syntax stems from the fostering of innumerable ideas after discovering the entire party from the shipwreck. Miranda’s hyperbolic diction in ‘creatures’ underpins her lack of knowledge to the audience, highlighting her disillusionment and foregrounding the discovery of the party, which (integrate Thesis).
Akin to The Tempest, Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland remains a multi-faceted portrayal of discoveries through the eyes of a young girl named Alice who follows a white rabbit in a waistcoat down a rabbit hole, into a perpetual stream of thought provoking (Integrate Thesis). This constant state of discovery serves to disillusion Alice from concepts engrained in her ‘real’ world. This disillusionment is introduced when Alice says, ‘I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times then’. Explicitly referencing her various shifts in physical stature, Carroll constructs a portmanteau of discoveries within this sentence, as he implies that the change has also been psychological. It is through the repetition of ‘I’ that Carroll allows Alice to question who ‘she’ is exactly, fostering her disillusionment as she is forced to act certain ways in her ‘real’ world, facilitating this (Integrate Thesis). The concept of disillusionment reoccurs in a repartee between The Cheshire cat and the Red King with Alice watching on, “I don’t like the looks of it … however it may kiss my hand, if it likes.’ ‘I’d rather not,’ The Cat remarked”. Carroll’s creates a clear dichotomy between Cheshire and The King, with The King representing the pomposity of the ruling class, juxtaposed against Cheshire as a partially omnipresent lower class, who acts as a literary foil to the King. Alice, present throughout, discovers that the King and royalty does not equate to intelligence while discovering that Cheshire as the lower class, does not represent idiocy and hedonism. Both these (Integrate Thesis) highlight Alice’s gradual disillusionment throughout the novel.
While both texts portray the (Integrate Thesis) through the theme of disillusionment, they also highlight this aspect of discovery through the theme of freedom. This is demonstrated throughout Shakespeare’s The Tempest through the sexual liberation of Miranda. This concept is often at a dichotomy with Prospero’s overbearing nature, as seen in Act 4 scene 1 when Prospero says to Ferdinand, ‘Then as my gift and thine own acquisition Worthily purchased, take my daughter’. Construing Miranda as an object through his meticulous diction in ‘gift‘ and ‘purchased‘, Prospero establishes Miranda’s life as a succession of events controlled over by him without any external influence. However, this assertion is at odds with Act 3 Scene 1 when Miranda is with Ferdinand and Prospero is elsewhere, saying ‘And mine, with my heart in ‘t. And now farewell till half an hour hence’. Miranda’s succession of symbolic metaphors, referring to Ferdinand taking her hand for marriage and her heart, serves to highlight Miranda’s dissent from Prospero. Despite Prospero’s acceptance later, Miranda unveils her repressed sexuality and yearns to marry Ferdinand, regardless of her father’s wishes. Miranda’s sexual liberation represents her freedom after discovering Ferdinand, as this (Integrate Thesis) sparked Miranda’s freedom from Prospero.
Freedom is also bestrewn throughout Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, however serves an entirely alternate purpose. Fortunately Alice’s freedom doesn’t represent her sexual liberation, instead it aims to highlight her changing attitudes through (Integrate Thesis). This freedom is established at the very beginning of the novel, when Alice follows the Rabbit down the rabbit hole, ‘Alice went down after it, never once considering how she was going to get out again’. The rabbit hole serves as an extended metaphor throughout the novel, a pathway for Alice’s various internal discoveries that are catalysed due to her falling down. It is through this initial freedom that Alice discovers Wonderland and (Integrate Thesis). This primary discovery of Wonderland leads to speculation on behalf of Alice, coalescing when she says ‘It was much pleasanter at home’ thought poor Alice … ‘Its rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what can have happened to me!’. Both facets of the quote represent the quintessential values of freedom through the juxtaposition between Alice’s previous life before the rabbit hole against her current speculative life in Wonderland. It is through Alice’s freedom of choice, she discovers alternate perspectives that stem from vastly divergent life styles, prompting Alice to consider these alternate perspectives, (Integrate Thesis).
The nature and legacy of any discovery can be complex, diverse and transformative on both personal and global levels, confirming the microcosmic nature of inner and outer worlds The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island and the creatures that inhabit it to the equally important discovery of the power of love and forgiveness in a world made imperfect by man. The discoveries of metafictive realities continues in Alice in Wonderland through the construction of an world antithetical from Alice’s that stimulates innumerable intrinsic and extrinsic discoveries about life itself. Whilst essentially different in their endings, both texts represent the (Adjective) nature (Integrate Thesis) through the homogenous themes of disillusionment and freedom. In short, discovery is an unending journey that transcends time and place as it reflects our need to find personal meaning in our world, while occasionally (Integrate Thesis).
Shakespeare’s, The Tempest, as suggested by the title is partly about the devastating power of nature as a force, however is oftentimes associated with the notion of a disillusionment, be it physical, psychological or emotional. This journey leads to innumerable discoveries which (Integrate Thesis). There are two prominent journeys throughout the play that exemplify this notion, being Caliban’s relationship with Stephano and Miranda’s escape from her microcosm. Caliban’s journey can be summated Act 5 Scene 1 after Caliban’s journey through the island with Stephano when Caliban says, “What a thrice double ass I was to take this drunkard for a God”. Shakespeare’s use of dramatic irony serves to reify the audience’s speculation that Stephano is a ‘drunkard’, highlighting Caliban’s disillusionment towards Stephano, foregrounding Caliban’s (Integrate Thesis). One other aspect of disillusionment presented in The Tempest, is Miranda’s discovery of the world beyond Prospero and Caliban. This notion is encapsulated in Act 5 Scene 1 when Miranda says, ‘O Wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world’. Arguably one of Shakespeare’s most famous quotes, Miranda’s tortured syntax stems from the fostering of innumerable ideas after discovering the entire party from the shipwreck. Miranda’s hyperbolic diction in ‘creatures’ underpins her lack of knowledge to the audience, highlighting her disillusionment and foregrounding the discovery of the party, which (integrate Thesis).
Akin to The Tempest, Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland remains a multi-faceted portrayal of discoveries through the eyes of a young girl named Alice who follows a white rabbit in a waistcoat down a rabbit hole, into a perpetual stream of thought provoking (Integrate Thesis). This constant state of discovery serves to disillusion Alice from concepts engrained in her ‘real’ world. This disillusionment is introduced when Alice says, ‘I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times then’. Explicitly referencing her various shifts in physical stature, Carroll constructs a portmanteau of discoveries within this sentence, as he implies that the change has also been psychological. It is through the repetition of ‘I’ that Carroll allows Alice to question who ‘she’ is exactly, fostering her disillusionment as she is forced to act certain ways in her ‘real’ world, facilitating this (Integrate Thesis). The concept of disillusionment reoccurs in a repartee between The Cheshire cat and the Red King with Alice watching on, “I don’t like the looks of it … however it may kiss my hand, if it likes.’ ‘I’d rather not,’ The Cat remarked”. Carroll’s creates a clear dichotomy between Cheshire and The King, with The King representing the pomposity of the ruling class, juxtaposed against Cheshire as a partially omnipresent lower class, who acts as a literary foil to the King. Alice, present throughout, discovers that the King and royalty does not equate to intelligence while discovering that Cheshire as the lower class, does not represent idiocy and hedonism. Both these (Integrate Thesis) highlight Alice’s gradual disillusionment throughout the novel.
While both texts portray the (Integrate Thesis) through the theme of disillusionment, they also highlight this aspect of discovery through the theme of freedom. This is demonstrated throughout Shakespeare’s The Tempest through the sexual liberation of Miranda. This concept is often at a dichotomy with Prospero’s overbearing nature, as seen in Act 4 scene 1 when Prospero says to Ferdinand, ‘Then as my gift and thine own acquisition Worthily purchased, take my daughter’. Construing Miranda as an object through his meticulous diction in ‘gift‘ and ‘purchased‘, Prospero establishes Miranda’s life as a succession of events controlled over by him without any external influence. However, this assertion is at odds with Act 3 Scene 1 when Miranda is with Ferdinand and Prospero is elsewhere, saying ‘And mine, with my heart in ‘t. And now farewell till half an hour hence’. Miranda’s succession of symbolic metaphors, referring to Ferdinand taking her hand for marriage and her heart, serves to highlight Miranda’s dissent from Prospero. Despite Prospero’s acceptance later, Miranda unveils her repressed sexuality and yearns to marry Ferdinand, regardless of her father’s wishes. Miranda’s sexual liberation represents her freedom after discovering Ferdinand, as this (Integrate Thesis) sparked Miranda’s freedom from Prospero.
Freedom is also bestrewn throughout Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, however serves an entirely alternate purpose. Fortunately Alice’s freedom doesn’t represent her sexual liberation, instead it aims to highlight her changing attitudes through (Integrate Thesis). This freedom is established at the very beginning of the novel, when Alice follows the Rabbit down the rabbit hole, ‘Alice went down after it, never once considering how she was going to get out again’. The rabbit hole serves as an extended metaphor throughout the novel, a pathway for Alice’s various internal discoveries that are catalysed due to her falling down. It is through this initial freedom that Alice discovers Wonderland and (Integrate Thesis). This primary discovery of Wonderland leads to speculation on behalf of Alice, coalescing when she says ‘It was much pleasanter at home’ thought poor Alice … ‘Its rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what can have happened to me!’. Both facets of the quote represent the quintessential values of freedom through the juxtaposition between Alice’s previous life before the rabbit hole against her current speculative life in Wonderland. It is through Alice’s freedom of choice, she discovers alternate perspectives that stem from vastly divergent life styles, prompting Alice to consider these alternate perspectives, (Integrate Thesis).
The nature and legacy of any discovery can be complex, diverse and transformative on both personal and global levels, confirming the microcosmic nature of inner and outer worlds The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island and the creatures that inhabit it to the equally important discovery of the power of love and forgiveness in a world made imperfect by man. The discoveries of metafictive realities continues in Alice in Wonderland through the construction of an world antithetical from Alice’s that stimulates innumerable intrinsic and extrinsic discoveries about life itself. Whilst essentially different in their endings, both texts represent the (Adjective) nature (Integrate Thesis) through the homogenous themes of disillusionment and freedom. In short, discovery is an unending journey that transcends time and place as it reflects our need to find personal meaning in our world, while occasionally (Integrate Thesis).
Here is your essay with comments:
Spoiler
The conceptual essence of discovery entails a journey that is transformative and concerns one’s relationship with one’s self or one’s world. My first impression of this thesis is that it is too wordy. Entails doesn't seem to be the right word for me, but perhaps this is because it's paired with conceptual essence. If it was a very short thesis, these power-packed words would be more digestable. So, consider cutting the thesis in half or changing some words. This is just my opinion on first glance, others may disagree :) Discoveries can be either sought or serendipitous and can lead to auspicious or adverse consequences, but ultimately, (Integrate Thesis). This facet of discovery is elucidated upon in Shakespeare’s metatheatrical play, The Tempest and Lewis Carroll’s 19th century children’s novel, Alice in Wonderland. Both these texts integrate the themes of disillusionment and freedom throughout as a medium for underpinning their respective, yet strikingly homogenous representations of discovery as a (Integrate Thesis). Awesome! The introduction of the texts onwards is perrrrrrrrfect!
Shakespeare’s, The Tempest, as suggested by the title is partly about the devastating power of nature as a force, however is oftentimes Ask your teacher what they think about oftentimes - It is archaic in Australian English, so check with your teacher about their impression of it :) associated with the notion of a disillusionment, be it physical, psychological or emotional. This journey leads to innumerable discoveries which (Integrate Thesis). There are two prominent journeys throughout the play that exemplify this notion, being Caliban’s relationship with Stephano and Miranda’s escape from her microcosm. Caliban’s journey can be summated Act 5 Scene 1 after Caliban’s journey through the island with Stephano when Caliban says, “What a thrice double ass I was to take this drunkard for a God”. Shakespeare’s use of dramatic irony serves to reify the audience’s speculation that Stephano is a ‘drunkard’, highlighting Caliban’s disillusionment towards Stephano, foregrounding Caliban’s (Integrate Thesis). One other aspect of disillusionment presented in The Tempest, is Miranda’s discovery of the world beyond Prospero and Caliban. This notion is encapsulated in Act 5 Scene 1 when Miranda says, ‘O Wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world’. Arguably one of Shakespeare’s most famous quotes, Miranda’s tortured syntax stems from the fostering of innumerable ideas after discovering the entire party from the shipwreck. Miranda’s hyperbolic diction in ‘creatures’ underpins her lack of knowledge to the audience, highlighting her disillusionment and foregrounding the discovery of the party, which (integrate Thesis).
Awesome! You've mentioned discovery in the start, middle and end of the paragraph so you never lose sight of what it is your discussing!
Akin to The Tempest, Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland remains a multi-faceted portrayal of discoveries through the eyes of a young girl named Alice who follows a white rabbit in a waistcoat down a rabbit hole, into a perpetual stream of thought provoking (Integrate Thesis). Very interesting - usually I think that topic sentences that introduce the text instead of leaving the text out, are a bit awkward. But this seems very sophisticated!!This constant state of discovery serves to disillusion Alice from concepts engrained in her ‘real’ world. This disillusionment is introduced when Alice says, ‘I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times then’. Explicitly referencing her various shifts in physical stature, Carroll constructs a portmanteau of discoveries within this sentence, as he implies that the change has also been psychological. It is through the repetition of ‘I’ that Carroll allows Alice to question who ‘she’ is exactly, fostering her disillusionment as she is forced to act certain ways in her ‘real’ world, facilitating this (Integrate Thesis). Good - I wasn't sure if you were going to have some techniques to support this quote, but I'm glad they came later on. Consider switching this sentence with the portmanteau sentence. The concept of disillusionment reoccurs in a repartee between The Cheshire cat and the Red King with Alice watching on, “I don’t like the looks of it … however it may kiss my hand, if it likes.’ ‘I’d rather not,’ The Cat remarked”. Carroll’s creates a clear dichotomy between Cheshire and The King, with The King representing the pomposity of the ruling class, juxtaposed against Cheshire as a partially omnipresent lower class, who acts as a literary foil to the King. Alice, present throughout, discovers that the King and royalty does not equate to intelligence while discovering that Cheshire as the lower class, does not represent idiocy and hedonism. Both these (Integrate Thesis) highlight Alice’s gradual disillusionment throughout the novel.
While both texts portray the (Integrate Thesis) through the theme of disillusionment, they also highlight this aspect of discovery through the theme of freedom. This is demonstrated throughout Shakespeare’s The Tempest through the sexual liberation of Miranda. This concept isoften at unsure of this wording - not very clear. a dichotomy with Prospero’s overbearing nature, as seen in Act 4 scene 1 when Prospero says to Ferdinand, ‘Then as my gift and thine own acquisition Worthily purchased, take my daughter’. Construing Miranda as an object through his meticulous diction in ‘gift‘ and ‘purchased‘, Prospero establishes Miranda’s life as a succession of events controlled over by him without any external influence. However, this assertion is at odds with Act 3 Scene 1 when Miranda is with Ferdinand and Prospero is elsewhere, saying ‘And mine, with my heart in ‘t. And now farewell till half an hour hence’. Miranda’s succession of symbolic metaphors, referring to Ferdinand taking her hand for marriage and her heart, serves to highlight Miranda’s dissent from Prospero. Despite Prospero’s acceptance later, Miranda unveils her repressed sexuality and yearns to marry Ferdinand, regardless of her father’s wishes. Miranda’s sexual liberation represents her freedom after discovering Ferdinand, as this (Integrate Thesis) sparked Miranda’s freedom from Prospero. Really strong - you followed through with the thesis in a solid way.
Freedom is also bestrewn throughout Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, however serves an entirely alternate purpose. Fortunately Alice’s freedom doesn’t represent her sexual liberation, instead it aims to highlight her changing attitudes through (Integrate Thesis). This freedom is established at the very beginning of the novel, when Alice follows the Rabbit down the rabbit hole, ‘Alice went down after it, never once considering how she was going to get out again’. The rabbit hole serves as an extended metaphor throughout the novel, a pathway for Alice’s various internal discoveries that are catalysed due to her falling down. It is through this initial freedom that Alice discovers Wonderland and (Integrate Thesis). This primary discovery of Wonderland leads to speculation on behalf of Alice, coalescing when she says ‘It was much pleasanter at home’ thought poor Alice … ‘Its rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what can have happened to me!’. Both facets of the quote represent the quintessential values of freedom through the juxtaposition between Alice’s previous life before the rabbit hole against her current speculative life in Wonderland. It is through Alice’s freedom of choice, she discovers alternate perspectives that stem from vastly divergent life styles, prompting Alice to consider these alternate perspectives, (Integrate Thesis).
The nature and legacy of any discovery can be complex, diverse and transformative on both personal and global levels, confirming the microcosmic nature of inner and outer worlds The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island and the creatures that inhabit it to the equally important discovery of the power of love and forgiveness in a world made imperfect by man. The discoveries of metafictive realities continues in Alice in Wonderland through the construction ofan a world antithetical from Alice’s that stimulates innumerable intrinsic and extrinsic discoveries about life itself. Whilst essentially different in their endings, both texts represent the (Adjective) nature (Integrate Thesis) through the homogenous themes of disillusionment and freedom. In short, discovery is an unending journey that transcends time and place as it reflects our need to find personal meaning in our world, while occasionally (Integrate Thesis).
Shakespeare’s, The Tempest, as suggested by the title is partly about the devastating power of nature as a force, however is oftentimes Ask your teacher what they think about oftentimes - It is archaic in Australian English, so check with your teacher about their impression of it :) associated with the notion of a disillusionment, be it physical, psychological or emotional. This journey leads to innumerable discoveries which (Integrate Thesis). There are two prominent journeys throughout the play that exemplify this notion, being Caliban’s relationship with Stephano and Miranda’s escape from her microcosm. Caliban’s journey can be summated Act 5 Scene 1 after Caliban’s journey through the island with Stephano when Caliban says, “What a thrice double ass I was to take this drunkard for a God”. Shakespeare’s use of dramatic irony serves to reify the audience’s speculation that Stephano is a ‘drunkard’, highlighting Caliban’s disillusionment towards Stephano, foregrounding Caliban’s (Integrate Thesis). One other aspect of disillusionment presented in The Tempest, is Miranda’s discovery of the world beyond Prospero and Caliban. This notion is encapsulated in Act 5 Scene 1 when Miranda says, ‘O Wonder! How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world’. Arguably one of Shakespeare’s most famous quotes, Miranda’s tortured syntax stems from the fostering of innumerable ideas after discovering the entire party from the shipwreck. Miranda’s hyperbolic diction in ‘creatures’ underpins her lack of knowledge to the audience, highlighting her disillusionment and foregrounding the discovery of the party, which (integrate Thesis).
Awesome! You've mentioned discovery in the start, middle and end of the paragraph so you never lose sight of what it is your discussing!
Akin to The Tempest, Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland remains a multi-faceted portrayal of discoveries through the eyes of a young girl named Alice who follows a white rabbit in a waistcoat down a rabbit hole, into a perpetual stream of thought provoking (Integrate Thesis). Very interesting - usually I think that topic sentences that introduce the text instead of leaving the text out, are a bit awkward. But this seems very sophisticated!!This constant state of discovery serves to disillusion Alice from concepts engrained in her ‘real’ world. This disillusionment is introduced when Alice says, ‘I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times then’. Explicitly referencing her various shifts in physical stature, Carroll constructs a portmanteau of discoveries within this sentence, as he implies that the change has also been psychological. It is through the repetition of ‘I’ that Carroll allows Alice to question who ‘she’ is exactly, fostering her disillusionment as she is forced to act certain ways in her ‘real’ world, facilitating this (Integrate Thesis). Good - I wasn't sure if you were going to have some techniques to support this quote, but I'm glad they came later on. Consider switching this sentence with the portmanteau sentence. The concept of disillusionment reoccurs in a repartee between The Cheshire cat and the Red King with Alice watching on, “I don’t like the looks of it … however it may kiss my hand, if it likes.’ ‘I’d rather not,’ The Cat remarked”. Carroll’s creates a clear dichotomy between Cheshire and The King, with The King representing the pomposity of the ruling class, juxtaposed against Cheshire as a partially omnipresent lower class, who acts as a literary foil to the King. Alice, present throughout, discovers that the King and royalty does not equate to intelligence while discovering that Cheshire as the lower class, does not represent idiocy and hedonism. Both these (Integrate Thesis) highlight Alice’s gradual disillusionment throughout the novel.
While both texts portray the (Integrate Thesis) through the theme of disillusionment, they also highlight this aspect of discovery through the theme of freedom. This is demonstrated throughout Shakespeare’s The Tempest through the sexual liberation of Miranda. This concept is
Freedom is also bestrewn throughout Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, however serves an entirely alternate purpose. Fortunately Alice’s freedom doesn’t represent her sexual liberation, instead it aims to highlight her changing attitudes through (Integrate Thesis). This freedom is established at the very beginning of the novel, when Alice follows the Rabbit down the rabbit hole, ‘Alice went down after it, never once considering how she was going to get out again’. The rabbit hole serves as an extended metaphor throughout the novel, a pathway for Alice’s various internal discoveries that are catalysed due to her falling down. It is through this initial freedom that Alice discovers Wonderland and (Integrate Thesis). This primary discovery of Wonderland leads to speculation on behalf of Alice, coalescing when she says ‘It was much pleasanter at home’ thought poor Alice … ‘Its rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what can have happened to me!’. Both facets of the quote represent the quintessential values of freedom through the juxtaposition between Alice’s previous life before the rabbit hole against her current speculative life in Wonderland. It is through Alice’s freedom of choice, she discovers alternate perspectives that stem from vastly divergent life styles, prompting Alice to consider these alternate perspectives, (Integrate Thesis).
The nature and legacy of any discovery can be complex, diverse and transformative on both personal and global levels, confirming the microcosmic nature of inner and outer worlds The Tempest moves from the discovery of an uncharted island and the creatures that inhabit it to the equally important discovery of the power of love and forgiveness in a world made imperfect by man. The discoveries of metafictive realities continues in Alice in Wonderland through the construction of
I think this is going to work marvellously for you. You've given careful consideration for the places that will require the new thesis to be incorporated. The next step is to go through and look at the places that stood out to me as being wordy or unclear and adjusting them as you please. Then, you should start applying this to different questions! You've prepared yourself so well here :)
Post by: shazzzzzz on June 14, 2016, 10:37:10 pm
It's really messy and all over the place and I apologize, it was just my attempt at trying to get all the ideas in my head down and on paper and trying to make it sort of coherent. I know that once I go back over it I can edit it and make it sound like a human being wrote it and not some weird alien who has just arrived on earth (and has decided to take the HSCS???)
My concerns are
- if my ideas are actually making sense
- my evidence and support for my thesis (whether they're good or not)
- introduction
- i have too many words, i don't know where to cut down so if could suggest some areas which could be reworded or just scrapped
- two of my concepts are similar (first one deals with how discovery challenges and makes people aware of their beliefs while the second one deals with how discoveries can change individuals and society) and i've definitely repeated myself so I'm not sure how to avoid that but still keep my two concepts, so any and all suggestions would be amazingly helpful.
Thank you so much!!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2016, 11:25:49 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 16, 2016, 09:05:52 am
I would really like to apologize for the mess of an essay :'( (if you can even call it that) that you are about to read, if you are so gracious enough to do that for me!
It's really messy and all over the place and I apologize, it was just my attempt at trying to get all the ideas in my head down and on paper and trying to make it sort of coherent. I know that once I go back over it I can edit it and make it sound like a human being wrote it and not some weird alien who has just arrived on earth (and has decided to take the HSCS???)
My concerns are
- if my ideas are actually making sense
- my evidence and support for my thesis (whether they're good or not)
- introduction
- i have too many words, i don't know where to cut down so if could suggest some areas which could be reworded or just scrapped
- two of my concepts are similar (first one deals with how discovery challenges and makes people aware of their beliefs while the second one deals with how discoveries can change individuals and society) and i've definitely repeated myself so I'm not sure how to avoid that but still keep my two concepts, so any and all suggestions would be amazingly helpful.
Thank you so much!!! ;D
Hello! Thanks for posting, and for sharing your concerns! I'll go through and point out any concerns I have, as a third party person, so you can see what fresh eyes say :)
Here is your essay without any comments:
Spoiler
Robert Frost’s poetry demonstrates the challenging nature of discovery through the transformation of the persona’s perspective on human separation and unity. This same sentiment is echoed in Hugh Evan’s TedTalk Global Citizenship, where the speaker reveals how his confrontation with extreme poverty led to his transformed perspective of human relationships. Each text shows how discovery may challenge our beliefs but this confrontation can lead to new ideals with its impact transforming the individual but also society.
In these texts, by the way of discovery the individual’s values are challenged, making them aware of the fallacies in their own beliefs. Through Mending Wall the responder discovers the negative consequences of barriers, challenging their perspective on separation. The poem begins with unusual syntax, ‘Something there is that doesn’t love a wall’, the anastrophe makes nature seem like a mysterious force that actively brings down barriers, a metaphor for humanity’s tendency to build walls of any kind as unnatural. By the metaphor the responder can already sense the problematic nature of walls and in turn division. After witnessing the distancing of the neighbours towards the end of the poem, seen in the cessation of inclusive terms we and us for singular terms I and him, the responder becomes aware of the detrimental effects of barriers with this new found understanding challenging their previous ideals. The poem ends on the adage, Good fences make good neighbours, however after the speaker begins to demean his neighbour as an old stone savage the saying takes on an ironic sense leaving the responder reflecting on the need to be separate. This confrontation of beliefs by discovery is echoed in Frost’s other poem the Tuft of Flowers with the grass turner’s initial stance on isolation as a basic part of life challenged by the revelation of a fellow companion. As the poem begins it is marked by a sense of loneliness, the persona laments that he is alone ‘as all must be’ the use of ‘must’ conveys his view that all are ultimately alone. However through the appearance of a butterfly he is led ‘to look at a tall tuft of flowers’ spared by the previous worker. Frosts allusion to ancient mythology gives added meaning for the butterfly symbolises the soul, suggesting the insect is the poet’s spiritual guide and is being taught by nature to not feel alone. The personas prior sense of isolation is challenged by the discovery of the flowers as he sees them as a mark of kinship, making him aware of the prospects of friendship. Likewise in Global Citizenship, Evan’s discovery of Sunny Boy’s poor circumstances challenges his preconceived notions of national borders and in turn division. Evans discovery makes him aware of the realities of the world he was previously blind to, he is challenged by this truth questioning Why should anyone have to live like this? Why should Sonny Boy’s ability to live out his dreams be determined by where he was born? The employment of anaphora appeals to the audience’s emotions by emphasising Evan’s struggle to understand the need for division when it causes problems like extreme poverty. In a similar manner, the individuals foundational beliefs are challenged in all the texts.
As the discovery in these texts challenges the perspectives of the characters, they too stimulate new ideas within the individuals. In the TEDTalk Global Citizenship, after experiencing extreme poverty first hand, Evans proposes the idea of the global citizen, a person who ‘self identifies not as a member of state or a tribe or a nation but as a member of the human race’ as a way to combat the ramifications of division. His use of polysyndeton emphasises the excess ways in which humans separate themselves and how his proposal of global citizenship transcends this superficial division, uniting humanity. Evans idea comes as a response to the unjust circumstances he discovers in the Philippines which inspires him to bring about a positive change in the world. Similarly in the tuft of flowers, the grass turner's discovery of the spared flowers, invites him to explore the possibility of a new companion. The persona exclaims his joy at finding a spirit kindred to his own, his use of the phrase kindred spirit draws attention to how despite being physically separate from the mower the grass turner feels spiritually linked to him. The grass turner's discovery of the tuft of flowers which he recognizes as a sign of shared admiration for nature by the mower, inspires him to consider the future possibilities his new found friendship allows him. As seen in the quote ‘so that henceforth I worked no more alone, the employment of the word henceforth illustrates how the grass turner sees this alliance as a turning point in his life, he will no longer be separated from humanity.
In the individual texts the impact of discovering the unfruitful nature of division is shown to be transformative for the individual but also society. The conversation or lack of that takes place in Frost's poem Mending Wall, highlights to the responder the detrimental effects of barriers, physical or otherwise, with this discovery transforming their perspective on separation. In the line ‘we keep the wall between us as we go/To each the boulders that have fallen to each’ Frosts manipulation of the scenes imagery allows the readers to envisage the two men working side by side however the repetition of the phrases between us and to each stresses their emotional and intellectual division. The responder can sense the two men’s inability to communicate with each other through the comparison of their engagement to a game, one on a side, stressing how there is no companionable exchange between them. As the poem ends the responder clearly sees the damage the wall has caused through the neighbours reluctance to engage with the speaker, only repeating his father’s saying but also through the speakers gradual belittlement of his neighbour, demeaning him to an old stone savage. By the poem's end the responder discovers the harmful nature of barriers with their perspective on separation transformed or at least shifted from what it was before the poem. Like how the responders of Mending Wall learn of the destructiveness of division, Hugh Evans recounts a similar journey in his TedTalk, Global Citizenship. In his live talk Evans recounts his experience at the Philippines, in extreme poverty, stating the trip changed his life forever. The hyperbolic statement emphasises how Evans realisation of the injustice that can be brought about through borders transformed his perspective on separation. Evans encounter with the then foreign minister of Australia is revealed No one cares for foreign aid, we have to take care of our own backyard first, is what the minister replies to Evans altruistic intentions. The use of colloquialism imparts a sense of realism unto the audience, as the concept of taking care of our own is familiar. He debases the minister's argument through real life examples, When we ignored Rwanda, when we ignore Syria…the impact comes right to our shore’, illustrating how by helping others we help ourselves. His employment of anaphora accentuates the consequences of being apathetic and supporting division. Evans’s discovery has not led to just his own transformation but his proposal of Global Citizenship can possibly transform the foundations of society, claiming as a global movement, we could end diseases like polio and malaria. This similar journey of transcending superficial division and gaining a connection to humanity is explored in Frost’s poem The Tuft of flowers. The grass turners feeling of isolation is established when he looks and listens for the mower, he longs for company, ‘But [the mower] had gone his way’ the interjecting point illustrates a sense of regret within the grass turner he is alone and let down. His isolation is short lived as a butterfly leads him to discover a tuft of flowers the mower had left to flourish, the grass turner develops a connection to the mower. He hears ‘the awakening of the birds around and…hears the [the mowers] long scythe whispering, through his discovery of the flowers the grass turner forgoes isolation and reaches a spiritual tie with the mower. The aural imagery evoked by Frost suggests the persona has become one with mower and that they have gone beyond physical separation.
In these texts, by the way of discovery the individual’s values are challenged, making them aware of the fallacies in their own beliefs. Through Mending Wall the responder discovers the negative consequences of barriers, challenging their perspective on separation. The poem begins with unusual syntax, ‘Something there is that doesn’t love a wall’, the anastrophe makes nature seem like a mysterious force that actively brings down barriers, a metaphor for humanity’s tendency to build walls of any kind as unnatural. By the metaphor the responder can already sense the problematic nature of walls and in turn division. After witnessing the distancing of the neighbours towards the end of the poem, seen in the cessation of inclusive terms we and us for singular terms I and him, the responder becomes aware of the detrimental effects of barriers with this new found understanding challenging their previous ideals. The poem ends on the adage, Good fences make good neighbours, however after the speaker begins to demean his neighbour as an old stone savage the saying takes on an ironic sense leaving the responder reflecting on the need to be separate. This confrontation of beliefs by discovery is echoed in Frost’s other poem the Tuft of Flowers with the grass turner’s initial stance on isolation as a basic part of life challenged by the revelation of a fellow companion. As the poem begins it is marked by a sense of loneliness, the persona laments that he is alone ‘as all must be’ the use of ‘must’ conveys his view that all are ultimately alone. However through the appearance of a butterfly he is led ‘to look at a tall tuft of flowers’ spared by the previous worker. Frosts allusion to ancient mythology gives added meaning for the butterfly symbolises the soul, suggesting the insect is the poet’s spiritual guide and is being taught by nature to not feel alone. The personas prior sense of isolation is challenged by the discovery of the flowers as he sees them as a mark of kinship, making him aware of the prospects of friendship. Likewise in Global Citizenship, Evan’s discovery of Sunny Boy’s poor circumstances challenges his preconceived notions of national borders and in turn division. Evans discovery makes him aware of the realities of the world he was previously blind to, he is challenged by this truth questioning Why should anyone have to live like this? Why should Sonny Boy’s ability to live out his dreams be determined by where he was born? The employment of anaphora appeals to the audience’s emotions by emphasising Evan’s struggle to understand the need for division when it causes problems like extreme poverty. In a similar manner, the individuals foundational beliefs are challenged in all the texts.
As the discovery in these texts challenges the perspectives of the characters, they too stimulate new ideas within the individuals. In the TEDTalk Global Citizenship, after experiencing extreme poverty first hand, Evans proposes the idea of the global citizen, a person who ‘self identifies not as a member of state or a tribe or a nation but as a member of the human race’ as a way to combat the ramifications of division. His use of polysyndeton emphasises the excess ways in which humans separate themselves and how his proposal of global citizenship transcends this superficial division, uniting humanity. Evans idea comes as a response to the unjust circumstances he discovers in the Philippines which inspires him to bring about a positive change in the world. Similarly in the tuft of flowers, the grass turner's discovery of the spared flowers, invites him to explore the possibility of a new companion. The persona exclaims his joy at finding a spirit kindred to his own, his use of the phrase kindred spirit draws attention to how despite being physically separate from the mower the grass turner feels spiritually linked to him. The grass turner's discovery of the tuft of flowers which he recognizes as a sign of shared admiration for nature by the mower, inspires him to consider the future possibilities his new found friendship allows him. As seen in the quote ‘so that henceforth I worked no more alone, the employment of the word henceforth illustrates how the grass turner sees this alliance as a turning point in his life, he will no longer be separated from humanity.
In the individual texts the impact of discovering the unfruitful nature of division is shown to be transformative for the individual but also society. The conversation or lack of that takes place in Frost's poem Mending Wall, highlights to the responder the detrimental effects of barriers, physical or otherwise, with this discovery transforming their perspective on separation. In the line ‘we keep the wall between us as we go/To each the boulders that have fallen to each’ Frosts manipulation of the scenes imagery allows the readers to envisage the two men working side by side however the repetition of the phrases between us and to each stresses their emotional and intellectual division. The responder can sense the two men’s inability to communicate with each other through the comparison of their engagement to a game, one on a side, stressing how there is no companionable exchange between them. As the poem ends the responder clearly sees the damage the wall has caused through the neighbours reluctance to engage with the speaker, only repeating his father’s saying but also through the speakers gradual belittlement of his neighbour, demeaning him to an old stone savage. By the poem's end the responder discovers the harmful nature of barriers with their perspective on separation transformed or at least shifted from what it was before the poem. Like how the responders of Mending Wall learn of the destructiveness of division, Hugh Evans recounts a similar journey in his TedTalk, Global Citizenship. In his live talk Evans recounts his experience at the Philippines, in extreme poverty, stating the trip changed his life forever. The hyperbolic statement emphasises how Evans realisation of the injustice that can be brought about through borders transformed his perspective on separation. Evans encounter with the then foreign minister of Australia is revealed No one cares for foreign aid, we have to take care of our own backyard first, is what the minister replies to Evans altruistic intentions. The use of colloquialism imparts a sense of realism unto the audience, as the concept of taking care of our own is familiar. He debases the minister's argument through real life examples, When we ignored Rwanda, when we ignore Syria…the impact comes right to our shore’, illustrating how by helping others we help ourselves. His employment of anaphora accentuates the consequences of being apathetic and supporting division. Evans’s discovery has not led to just his own transformation but his proposal of Global Citizenship can possibly transform the foundations of society, claiming as a global movement, we could end diseases like polio and malaria. This similar journey of transcending superficial division and gaining a connection to humanity is explored in Frost’s poem The Tuft of flowers. The grass turners feeling of isolation is established when he looks and listens for the mower, he longs for company, ‘But [the mower] had gone his way’ the interjecting point illustrates a sense of regret within the grass turner he is alone and let down. His isolation is short lived as a butterfly leads him to discover a tuft of flowers the mower had left to flourish, the grass turner develops a connection to the mower. He hears ‘the awakening of the birds around and…hears the [the mowers] long scythe whispering, through his discovery of the flowers the grass turner forgoes isolation and reaches a spiritual tie with the mower. The aural imagery evoked by Frost suggests the persona has become one with mower and that they have gone beyond physical separation.
And here is your essay with my comments in bold font throughout:
Spoiler
Robert My first suggestion for all AOS essays is that the first sentence, and possibly even the second sentence, flesh out ideas about discovery before introducing the texts. The reason for this is, the module here focuses on discovery, not on texts. So when you discuss the texts first, you privilege them in the essay over the concept of discovery. So, pick a thesis statement that responds to the question, and also suits your own understanding of what discovery means. Then flesh it out in a second sentence that introduces the ideas that will direct your body paragraphs.Frost’s poetry demonstrates the challenging nature of discovery through the transformation of the persona’s perspective on human separation and unity. This same sentiment is echoed in Hugh Evan’s TedTalk Global Citizenship, where the speaker reveals how his confrontation with extreme poverty led to his transformed perspective of human relationships. Each text shows how discovery may challenge our beliefs but this confrontation can lead to new ideals with its impact transforming the individual but also society.
In these texts, by the way of discovery the individual’s values are challenged, making them aware of the fallacies in their own beliefs. You need to introduce Frost as the author, or his body of work, before assuming that we know Mending Wall is a text of his :)Through Mending Wall the responder discovers the negative consequences of barriers, challenging their perspective on separation. The poem begins with unusual syntax, ‘Something there is that doesn’t love a wall’, the anastrophe makes nature seem like a mysterious force that actively brings down barriers, a metaphor for humanity’s tendency to build walls of any kind as unnatural. Amazing analysis!By the metaphor the responder can already sense the problematic nature of walls and in turn division. After witnessing the distancing of the neighbours towards the end of the poem, seen in the cessation of inclusive terms we and us for singular terms I and him, the responder becomes aware of the detrimental effects of barriers with this new found understanding challenging their previous ideals. The poem ends on the adage, Good fences make good neighbours, however after the speaker begins to demean his neighbour as an old stone savage the saying takes on an ironic sense leaving the responder reflecting on the need to be separate. This confrontation of beliefs by discovery is echoed in Frost’s other poem the Tuft of Flowers with the grass turner’s initial stance on isolation as a basic part of life challenged by the revelation of a fellow companion. As the poem begins it is marked by a sense of loneliness, the persona laments that he is alone ‘as all must be’ the use of ‘must’ conveys his view that all are ultimately alone. However through the appearance of a butterfly he is led ‘to look at a tall tuft of flowers’ spared by the previous worker. Frosts allusion to ancient mythology gives added meaning for the butterfly symbolises the soul, suggesting the insect is the poet’s spiritual guide and is being taught by nature to not feel alone. The personas prior sense of isolation is challenged by the discovery of the flowers as he sees them as a mark of kinship, making him aware of the prospects of friendship. Likewise in Global Citizenship, Evan’s discovery of Sunny Boy’s poor circumstances challenges his preconceived notions of national borders and in turn division. Evans discovery makes him aware of the realities of the world he was previously blind to, he is challenged by this truth questioning Why should anyone have to live like this? Why should Sonny Boy’s ability to live out his dreams be determined by where he was born? Are these rhetorical questions quotes?The employment of anaphora appeals to the audience’s emotions by emphasising Evan’s struggle to understand the need for division when it causes problems like extreme poverty. In a similar manner, the individuals foundational beliefs are challenged in all the texts. You've done a lot of really good work here with quote, technique, analyse. It's really original and well thought out, and you definitely don't neglect your ideas about discoveries, challenges, etc. Before you introduce a new poem, you need to identify that it is a poem. I read Sunny Boy as though he is a character, then as if he was a poem, and it went like that for a little bit. This comes from my ignorance of your texts, but also I think just for purpose of clarity, introducing a new poem clearly works best.
As the discovery in these texts challenges the perspectives of the characters, they too also/consequently stimulate new ideas within the individuals. In the TEDTalk Global Citizenship, after experiencing extreme poverty first hand, Evans proposes the idea of the global citizen, a person who ‘self identifies not as a member of state or a tribe or a nation but as a member of the human race’ as a way to combat the ramifications of division. His use of polysyndeton emphasises the excess ways in which humans separate themselves and how his proposal of global citizenship transcends this superficial division, uniting humanity. Evans idea comes as a response to the unjust circumstances he discovers in the Philippines which inspires him to bring about a positive change in the world. Similarly in the tuft of flowers, the grass turner's discovery of the spared flowers, invites him to explore the possibility of a new companion. This last sentence is a bit confusing to me - not entirely sure what it adds. I think it comes from the fact that I don't know what a grass turner is - and it seems important for me to know because its mentioned later on too. Consider rephrasing:) The persona exclaims his joy at finding a spirit kindred to his own, his use of the phrase kindred spirit draws attention to how despite being physically separate from the mower the grass turner feels spiritually linked to him. The grass turner's discovery of the tuft of flowers which he recognizes as a sign of shared admiration for nature by the mower, inspires him to consider the future possibilities his new found friendship allows him. As seen in the quote ‘so that henceforth I worked no more alone, the employment of the word henceforth illustrates how the grass turner sees this alliance as a turning point in his life, he will no longer be separated from humanity. You were concerned that this wouldn't be much different from the first paragraph, but I definitely think it is! However, the end of your first body paragraph was stronger - it linked back to the idea of discovery in a stronger way. consider adding a sentence of two at the end here to seal the deal. In order to adjust your word count back to compensate for these extra sentences, then go back in this paragraph and try combine two sentences into one a few times. You have the capability of doing this, because a few sentences have the capacity to be said in a clearer way.
In theindividual texts "Individual texts" is a bit unclear - what do you mean by individual texts? the impact of discovering the unfruitful nature of division is shown to be transformative for the individual but also society. The conversation, or lack of, (comma splice is important here so that it reads as you want it too) that takes place in Frost's poem Mending Wall, Awesome! This is what I meant by introducing the text as a poem :) b] highlights to the responder the detrimental effects of barriers, physical or otherwise, with this discovery transforming their perspective on separation. Awesome integration of discovery! In the line ‘we keep the wall between us as we go/To each the boulders that have fallen to each’ Frosts manipulation of the scenes imagery allows the readers to envisage the two men working side by side however the repetition of the phrases between us and to each stresses their emotional and intellectual division. The responder can sense the two men’s inability to communicate with each other through the comparison of their engagement to a game, one on a side, stressing how there is no companionable exchange between them. As the poem ends the responder clearly sees the damage the wall has caused through the neighbours reluctance to engage with the speaker, only repeating his father’s saying but also through the speakers gradual belittlement of his neighbour, demeaning him to an old stone savage. By the poem's end the responder discovers the harmful nature of barriers with their perspective on separation transformed or at least shifted from what it was before the poem. Like how the responders of Mending Wall learn of the destructiveness of division, Hugh Evans recounts a similar journey in his TedTalk, Global Citizenship. In his live talk Evans recounts his experience at the Philippines, in extreme poverty, You've already stated that the TedTalk relates to an experience in the Philippines in extreme poverty, so this is a chance to potentially cut this bit out, to save on words :)stating the trip changed his life forever. The hyperbolic statement emphasises how Evans realisation of the injustice that can be brought about through borders transformed his perspective on separation. Evans encounter with the then foreign minister of Australia "The foreign Minister at the time, Peter Dutton..." (or whoever the FM was) sounds smoother than "the then foreign minister" is revealed No one cares for foreign aid, we have to take care of our own backyard first, is what the minister replies to Evans altruistic intentions. The use of colloquialism imparts a sense of realism unto the audience, as the concept of taking care of our own is familiar. Great, short, powerful analysis.He debases the minister's argument through real life examples, When we ignored Rwanda, when we ignore Syria…the impact comes right to our shore’, illustrating how by helping others we help ourselves. His employment of anaphora accentuates the consequences of being apathetic and supporting division. Evans’s discovery has not led to just his own transformation but his proposal of Global Citizenship can possibly transform the foundations of society, claiming as a global movement, we could end diseases like polio and malaria. This similar journey of transcending superficial division and gaining a connection to humanity is explored in Frost’s poem The Tuft of flowers. The grass turners feeling of isolation is established when he looks and listens for the mower, he longs for company, ‘But [the mower] had gone his way’ the interjecting point illustrates a sense of regret within the grass turner he is alone and let down. His isolation is short lived as a butterfly leads him to discover a tuft of flowers the mower had left to flourish, the grass turner develops a connection to the mower. He hears ‘the awakening of the birds around and…hears the [the mowers] long scythe whispering, through his discovery of the flowers the grass turner forgoes isolation and reaches a spiritual tie with the mower. The aural imagery evoked by Frost suggests the persona has become one with mower and that they have gone beyond physical separation.
In these texts, by the way of discovery the individual’s values are challenged, making them aware of the fallacies in their own beliefs. You need to introduce Frost as the author, or his body of work, before assuming that we know Mending Wall is a text of his :)Through Mending Wall the responder discovers the negative consequences of barriers, challenging their perspective on separation. The poem begins with unusual syntax, ‘Something there is that doesn’t love a wall’, the anastrophe makes nature seem like a mysterious force that actively brings down barriers, a metaphor for humanity’s tendency to build walls of any kind as unnatural. Amazing analysis!By the metaphor the responder can already sense the problematic nature of walls and in turn division. After witnessing the distancing of the neighbours towards the end of the poem, seen in the cessation of inclusive terms we and us for singular terms I and him, the responder becomes aware of the detrimental effects of barriers with this new found understanding challenging their previous ideals. The poem ends on the adage, Good fences make good neighbours, however after the speaker begins to demean his neighbour as an old stone savage the saying takes on an ironic sense leaving the responder reflecting on the need to be separate. This confrontation of beliefs by discovery is echoed in Frost’s other poem the Tuft of Flowers with the grass turner’s initial stance on isolation as a basic part of life challenged by the revelation of a fellow companion. As the poem begins it is marked by a sense of loneliness, the persona laments that he is alone ‘as all must be’ the use of ‘must’ conveys his view that all are ultimately alone. However through the appearance of a butterfly he is led ‘to look at a tall tuft of flowers’ spared by the previous worker. Frosts allusion to ancient mythology gives added meaning for the butterfly symbolises the soul, suggesting the insect is the poet’s spiritual guide and is being taught by nature to not feel alone. The personas prior sense of isolation is challenged by the discovery of the flowers as he sees them as a mark of kinship, making him aware of the prospects of friendship. Likewise in Global Citizenship, Evan’s discovery of Sunny Boy’s poor circumstances challenges his preconceived notions of national borders and in turn division. Evans discovery makes him aware of the realities of the world he was previously blind to, he is challenged by this truth questioning Why should anyone have to live like this? Why should Sonny Boy’s ability to live out his dreams be determined by where he was born? Are these rhetorical questions quotes?The employment of anaphora appeals to the audience’s emotions by emphasising Evan’s struggle to understand the need for division when it causes problems like extreme poverty. In a similar manner, the individuals foundational beliefs are challenged in all the texts. You've done a lot of really good work here with quote, technique, analyse. It's really original and well thought out, and you definitely don't neglect your ideas about discoveries, challenges, etc. Before you introduce a new poem, you need to identify that it is a poem. I read Sunny Boy as though he is a character, then as if he was a poem, and it went like that for a little bit. This comes from my ignorance of your texts, but also I think just for purpose of clarity, introducing a new poem clearly works best.
As the discovery in these texts challenges the perspectives of the characters, they
In the
Okay! Your textual analysis is really good here. You have done an awesome job at picking awesome techniques from the text and making sure they link to your ideas.
I think a problem you are facing is that the length of your paragraphs detracts from the strength and punchiness of what it actually contains. So you're right, you do need to cut down on some words! I suggest taking a look at this little guide I wrote up this morning that tries to tackle the problem you're facing. It is called "Your essay is a lot like cordial - seriously!" Have a read and see if you can see what I mean about cutting things out. I've suggested a few places throughout where this needs to happen, but hopefully with fresh eyes you can go through and some sentences will jump out as being worthy of adjusting :)
Your introduction needs to be carried by discovery notions, not texts. Which I pointed out, so let me know if you're unsure about it. And your conclusion also needs to follow this path! When writing your conclusion, make sure that you stay discovery focused, and simply use the texts as evidence of what you present about discovery - don't let the conclusion be text driven. For other modules, the texts can dominate the essay! But this module is about discovery, and you have to privilege discovery over everything else :)
Let me know what you think! You've got a lot to work with here. Now it's just about trimming down to optimise the strength of your arguments :)
Post by: shazzzzzz on June 18, 2016, 03:28:29 pm
I understand your point about making discovery the main focus but I'm not sure how to execute that, could you provide me with an example on how I could accomplish that?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 21, 2016, 09:57:12 pm
Thank you so much Elyse! I really appreciate it, I feel a lot more confident about my textual analysis now ;D
I understand your point about making discovery the main focus but I'm not sure how to execute that, could you provide me with an example on how I could accomplish that?
Hey Shaz! Sorry for the delayed reply, I know Elyse has had a hectic couple of days at uni, so I thought I'd step in and try to lend a hand! ;D
From reading Elyse's feedback, what she is basically saying is to put the focus on Discovery as a concept, instead of your texts. So for an example, your first sentence:
Robert Frost’s poetry demonstrates the challenging nature of discovery through the transformation of the persona’s perspective on human separation and unity.
By starting with the composer/text, you establish this as a text focused response. You want to abstract it a little and instead create a conceptual focus, which could be achieved like this (forgive my poor Discovery thesis skills, I didn't do this AoS):
Discovery is an inherently challenging notion, which challenges individuals to reconsider their own perspectives of the world around them. Indeed, considerations of human separation and unity are often manipulated by personal transformations. Such is explored in the poetry of Robert Frost...
Ignoring my slightly adapted Thesis which might not make sense for your poetry, see how I've talked about Discovery by itself? Only after I talk about the conceptual basis of my response do I bring in the text, thus showing the reader that the text isn't the important bit; discovery is the important bit! This pattern of discovery first, text ONLY as an example, is something that should resonate through your essay.
Feel free to ask me to clarify that!! I hope I've explained it clearly, and sorry again so much for the delay! ;D
Post by: tahmina on July 06, 2016, 05:37:14 pm
concerns :
analysis
does my essay actually make sense
how strong is my discovery component ?
this is my AOS discovery component for standard english
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 07, 2016, 01:03:43 pm
this site is so great, i appreciate all the time taken to mark these essays, would you be able to have quick look at mine please
concerns :
analysis
does my essay actually make sense
how strong is my discovery component ?
this is my AOS discovery component for standard english
Hey Tahmina! Thanks so much for posting your essay, and welcome to the forums!! ;D thanks also for your kind words, we blush :-*
Unfortunately we do have a condition on essay marking: You need 5 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked. So 15 posts qualifies you for 3 essays, 50 qualifies you for 10, etc etc ;D the full rules on essay marking you can find at the link in my signature (the bit of writing just below this one) :D
So, you just need to hang around the site a bit to get a few more posts! Won't take you long, you can start by popping in and saying hey at our HSC 2016 Discussion Thread, otherwise, hang around and ask some questions for your subjects, or anything you like! Then just pop back into this thread and let us know when you hit the limit ;D
Be sure to private message me if you need some help with anything on the forums! :D
Post by: likeneverbefore on July 07, 2016, 02:58:01 pm
If its not too much trouble could you please have a look at my discovery essay.
I think my main problem is not having a sustained argument and enough links to discovery hmmm...
please rip it apart hahha
Thank you so much! Appreciate your time :)
jack
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 08, 2016, 12:10:13 am
this site is so great, i appreciate all the time taken to mark these essays, would you be able to have quick look at mine please
concerns :
analysis
does my essay actually make sense
how strong is my discovery component ?
this is my AOS discovery component for standard english
Hey there Tahmina! Thanks heaps for getting your post count up, so happy to see you benefitting from the forums! Your essay is attached in the spoiler below, my comments are in bold throughout! :D
Spoiler
One cannot experience a discovery without being transformed by its ramifications. The impact of discoveries, whatever aspect or shape they make take, will undoubtedly transform the discoverer and consequently the wider society around them. This is a great Thesis! Excited to see what you do with it. Australian playwright Michael Gow’s “Away Written” and Joshua Weigel’s short film “The Butterfly Circus” explore the transformative and revelatory nature of discovery. I love that you've introduced the concept first and then the text second; really sets up the conceptual drive well. The following texts explore the impact of discoveries through the anagnorisis of its protagonists. Be careful with language there; you've already introduced the texts. Just say "These texts explore..." The underlying nature of self-discovery, as presented by both texts, is that it has a transformative effect on individuals, ultimately leading to their greater depth of self-awareness and empathy towards members of the wider society. I think you can tidy the expression of that last sentence a tad, remove unnecessary words and just be succinct: "The texts explore the underlying transformative effect of discoveries, which ultimately leads... etc etc." That said, this is a great introduction! Just a few little expression qualms, and I'd also like to see a list of what ideas will be covered in the following paragraphs, but on the whole not much to fault!!
The transformative nature of discovery is demonstrated through relationships, which can be mended through reconciliation and communication. This concept is great, but I think the wording focuses on relationships more than Discovery, might be worth shifting the focus a little. In Michael Gow’s play Gwen’s language reflects her growth in understanding of herself and others, whilst being shaped by the great depression. Example? Jims anaphoric and truncated statement to Meg ‘it was money, it was bread, work’ emphasizes the harsh reality of their past. Great use of technique, but remember, you don't need to tell me things like who the statement was said to, I only really want the technique and what it shows me about discovery! Gwen has plans that were ‘for all of us, the personal pronoun of ‘us’ reaffirms her spiritual connection with her family. Make sure you use quotation marks correctly for all your quotes, double quotes for textual references. Jim admired the way she clung to those values but she has become an angry women. This is explicit at the school concert when she complained about the ‘musical’, her confronting attitude to the missing keys is shown in her colloquial language and capitalism of “No’ in “no I gave them to you’, exemplifying her arrogance and a reaffirmation of her provocative characteristic directed to Jim through the second person ‘you’. You are shifting into what is called "textual retell": You are telling me what happened in the text, and although you are explaining along the way, you don't need these plot details. Give me the quote and how it relates to Discovery, then move on. The dramatic irony of ‘snide’ and ‘rude’ directed at Meg, becomes a depiction towards herself, as tangible nature of misconception is reflective of her own self assumptions. Gwen undergoes a change due to several catalysts during the process of the play. Are we going away from the main point of the paragraph? If so, have you considered splitting this section? Her exaggeration in the negative word ‘burst’ in ‘my heads about to burst’ is her curiosity at deflecting megs personal challenge, whilst she is going through heartfelt emotions and being physically disturbed by confronting news of Tom. Again, unnecessary plot detail, but also, keep in mind you don't need to give me the whole quote if you don't need to: The word itself is enough. This affirms her widely held assumptions and beliefs about the aspects of human experiences and the world. Towards the end of the play she affirms the importance of transformation and self-discovery. This is depicted through the alliteration of soft ‘w’ in ‘come on down to the water, the waters so warm’ conveys her nurturing attitude towards her relationships, the symbolism of the ‘water’ connects the motif of water towards her self-discovery, cleansing and healing the soul and the rebirth of her relationships. Be sure to properly conclude each paragraph. This could be something simple like: "Thus, it is clear how...
Similar to the chaos of life, many discoveries made by individuals are sudden and unexpected. This instigates the process of self-reflection and awareness. Very cool! However, be sure to make the link to the text(s) before you begin the analysis. I'm unsure which text you are referring to in the next sentence. The ‘play within the play’ creates a metaphor for intellectual self-discoveries, seen through Tom who is able to reveal to his family and community that he is aware of and has accepted imminent death. Contrasted with colloquial language and duologue ‘ they don’t know that I know’ exemplifies tom’s awareness of his cancer. Thus showing the audience _______ about the nature of unexpected discoveries? These sorts of links to discovery are important, and this is the missing link for you right now. The allusion of tom playing the Shakespearean character of ‘puck’ is significant as it highlights his mischievousness and not disposing of the truth. Ensure character names are capitalised. However Toms symbolic metaphorical and repetitive dialogue with the ghostly sailor ‘I’m drowning, I’m drowning’ highlights the pressure tom is under in learning to cope and deal with his terminal illness while keep the pretense of everything is ‘ok’ for his parents. Fantastic textual reference, but again, how does this link to Discovery? Similarly, ‘The Butterfly Circus’ references Wills transformation through the frequent use of butterfly imagery emphasizing the positive and spiritual change that renews his perception of life. Juxtaposed with the driven symbolism of the dimming light reflected at a mid shot of Will compels his inability to make physical change. Great references here, but again, what does this show us about discovery? The frequent change in diegetic music becomes confronting when the community ‘mocks’ Will for his disability. The close up shot of Mendez’s face is provocative as he is disgusted by the reaction of the community juxtaposed with the close up of Wills face evaluates the tangible nature of his heartfelt emotions. I like these references to the audience reaction, more of this! Mendez becomes a character that helps Will overcome his fears and to ‘follow his dreams’, the long shot of the road gives a clear indication of Wills self-discovery leading to new worlds and values. You explained the importance of techniques really well for this text, if you related it to Discovery more explicitly it would work so well!
One’s discovery can vary according to the different personal and social contexts in which the individual is able to experience them. What about the discovery can vary? How it is catalysed? The effects it has? Demonstrated in Gow’s play through the wilderness of the storm, symbolizing the negative attitudes and possessions being washed away, their isolation on the beach prompts introspection and questioning of their previous understandings. This leads as new understandings is reaches, their physical isolation in the storm becomes symbolic of their personal isolation. That sentence doesn't quite read correctly, could be worth revisiting? Contrasted with the three families coming together after the storm to a campfire, the fire symbolizes a new start as there past is being washed away. What does the audience learn from this? The symbolism of ‘burnt’ acknowledges their renewal of perceptions of themselves and others. Similarly in ‘the butterfly circus’ the use of flashbacks establishes each characters personal discovery and their inability of transforming being washed away. Ensure text names are capitalised. In the wilderness river scene, Will is left alone with his own sense of help, Mendez shows his capabilities through letting him ‘drown’ in the river. Technique? Remember, without a technique, you are retelling and not analysing, which is nowhere near as powerful. The symbolism of the water is reminiscent of his ability to swim without any limbs, representing of cleansing of his past to reaffirm his self-discovery. A close up shot of Will configures the relief and emotions through his face as he acknowledges his self-discovery and rediscovering his lost priorities. In the very last scene we see a close up of wills face, filled with excitement and proudness as he is being approached with the community who is impressed with his transformation.
Discovery can encompass the experience of discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something that has been lost, forgotten or concealed. Through the authentic techniques used by both director and playwright highlight the human nature of reality and the ramifications, which differ from different perspectives. They underline the notion of discovery to stimulate a profound response upon the audience whilst portraying the notion of ramifications. A nice conclusion, however, it doesn't re-enforce your Thesis!! Remember, the conclusion must tie everything together, it should tie back to the start of your essay very explicitly :)
The transformative nature of discovery is demonstrated through relationships, which can be mended through reconciliation and communication. This concept is great, but I think the wording focuses on relationships more than Discovery, might be worth shifting the focus a little. In Michael Gow’s play Gwen’s language reflects her growth in understanding of herself and others, whilst being shaped by the great depression. Example? Jims anaphoric and truncated statement to Meg ‘it was money, it was bread, work’ emphasizes the harsh reality of their past. Great use of technique, but remember, you don't need to tell me things like who the statement was said to, I only really want the technique and what it shows me about discovery! Gwen has plans that were ‘for all of us, the personal pronoun of ‘us’ reaffirms her spiritual connection with her family. Make sure you use quotation marks correctly for all your quotes, double quotes for textual references. Jim admired the way she clung to those values but she has become an angry women. This is explicit at the school concert when she complained about the ‘musical’, her confronting attitude to the missing keys is shown in her colloquial language and capitalism of “No’ in “no I gave them to you’, exemplifying her arrogance and a reaffirmation of her provocative characteristic directed to Jim through the second person ‘you’. You are shifting into what is called "textual retell": You are telling me what happened in the text, and although you are explaining along the way, you don't need these plot details. Give me the quote and how it relates to Discovery, then move on. The dramatic irony of ‘snide’ and ‘rude’ directed at Meg, becomes a depiction towards herself, as tangible nature of misconception is reflective of her own self assumptions. Gwen undergoes a change due to several catalysts during the process of the play. Are we going away from the main point of the paragraph? If so, have you considered splitting this section? Her exaggeration in the negative word ‘burst’ in ‘my heads about to burst’ is her curiosity at deflecting megs personal challenge, whilst she is going through heartfelt emotions and being physically disturbed by confronting news of Tom. Again, unnecessary plot detail, but also, keep in mind you don't need to give me the whole quote if you don't need to: The word itself is enough. This affirms her widely held assumptions and beliefs about the aspects of human experiences and the world. Towards the end of the play she affirms the importance of transformation and self-discovery. This is depicted through the alliteration of soft ‘w’ in ‘come on down to the water, the waters so warm’ conveys her nurturing attitude towards her relationships, the symbolism of the ‘water’ connects the motif of water towards her self-discovery, cleansing and healing the soul and the rebirth of her relationships. Be sure to properly conclude each paragraph. This could be something simple like: "Thus, it is clear how...
Similar to the chaos of life, many discoveries made by individuals are sudden and unexpected. This instigates the process of self-reflection and awareness. Very cool! However, be sure to make the link to the text(s) before you begin the analysis. I'm unsure which text you are referring to in the next sentence. The ‘play within the play’ creates a metaphor for intellectual self-discoveries, seen through Tom who is able to reveal to his family and community that he is aware of and has accepted imminent death. Contrasted with colloquial language and duologue ‘ they don’t know that I know’ exemplifies tom’s awareness of his cancer. Thus showing the audience _______ about the nature of unexpected discoveries? These sorts of links to discovery are important, and this is the missing link for you right now. The allusion of tom playing the Shakespearean character of ‘puck’ is significant as it highlights his mischievousness and not disposing of the truth. Ensure character names are capitalised. However Toms symbolic metaphorical and repetitive dialogue with the ghostly sailor ‘I’m drowning, I’m drowning’ highlights the pressure tom is under in learning to cope and deal with his terminal illness while keep the pretense of everything is ‘ok’ for his parents. Fantastic textual reference, but again, how does this link to Discovery? Similarly, ‘The Butterfly Circus’ references Wills transformation through the frequent use of butterfly imagery emphasizing the positive and spiritual change that renews his perception of life. Juxtaposed with the driven symbolism of the dimming light reflected at a mid shot of Will compels his inability to make physical change. Great references here, but again, what does this show us about discovery? The frequent change in diegetic music becomes confronting when the community ‘mocks’ Will for his disability. The close up shot of Mendez’s face is provocative as he is disgusted by the reaction of the community juxtaposed with the close up of Wills face evaluates the tangible nature of his heartfelt emotions. I like these references to the audience reaction, more of this! Mendez becomes a character that helps Will overcome his fears and to ‘follow his dreams’, the long shot of the road gives a clear indication of Wills self-discovery leading to new worlds and values. You explained the importance of techniques really well for this text, if you related it to Discovery more explicitly it would work so well!
One’s discovery can vary according to the different personal and social contexts in which the individual is able to experience them. What about the discovery can vary? How it is catalysed? The effects it has? Demonstrated in Gow’s play through the wilderness of the storm, symbolizing the negative attitudes and possessions being washed away, their isolation on the beach prompts introspection and questioning of their previous understandings. This leads as new understandings is reaches, their physical isolation in the storm becomes symbolic of their personal isolation. That sentence doesn't quite read correctly, could be worth revisiting? Contrasted with the three families coming together after the storm to a campfire, the fire symbolizes a new start as there past is being washed away. What does the audience learn from this? The symbolism of ‘burnt’ acknowledges their renewal of perceptions of themselves and others. Similarly in ‘the butterfly circus’ the use of flashbacks establishes each characters personal discovery and their inability of transforming being washed away. Ensure text names are capitalised. In the wilderness river scene, Will is left alone with his own sense of help, Mendez shows his capabilities through letting him ‘drown’ in the river. Technique? Remember, without a technique, you are retelling and not analysing, which is nowhere near as powerful. The symbolism of the water is reminiscent of his ability to swim without any limbs, representing of cleansing of his past to reaffirm his self-discovery. A close up shot of Will configures the relief and emotions through his face as he acknowledges his self-discovery and rediscovering his lost priorities. In the very last scene we see a close up of wills face, filled with excitement and proudness as he is being approached with the community who is impressed with his transformation.
Discovery can encompass the experience of discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something that has been lost, forgotten or concealed. Through the authentic techniques used by both director and playwright highlight the human nature of reality and the ramifications, which differ from different perspectives. They underline the notion of discovery to stimulate a profound response upon the audience whilst portraying the notion of ramifications. A nice conclusion, however, it doesn't re-enforce your Thesis!! Remember, the conclusion must tie everything together, it should tie back to the start of your essay very explicitly :)
This is a great essay Tahmina!! I'm really impressed with your Thesis, it is absolutely stellar, and you show great textual knowledge with lots of great examples and techniques :D great work on those counts! ;D
To your concerns! First, I think your essay does indeed make sense, and for the most part is well structured!! I think your first paragraph goes slightly off track, but besides that, the structure works really well both within each paragraph and for the essay as a whole! Just remember to add a conclusion to every paragraph :D
Analysis is definitely an area for you to devote some time for improvement. For effective textual analysis, you need to go to TEA:
Technique: Technique and quote
Explain: What the composer wants to say about Discovery
Audience: What the audience learns about Discovery from the technique used by the composer
This highlights an important point; the composer is key to your analysis!! The first easy change you can make to your essay is adapting your language: The character should never receive credit for use of a technique, that credit lies with the composer. The character is just their puppet to manipulate in order to create meaning.
So, instead of saying: Jims anaphoric and truncated statement to Meg ‘it was money, it was bread, work,’,
Say: The composer's use of truncated anaphoric phrases, "It was money, it was bread, work, shows the audience _____
Notice how I credit the composer not the character, and set myself up to explain what the audience learns about discovery immediately :D
In general, your techniques are great, but the Explain/Audience parts could do with some improvement. Go through and be sure to specify how the technique shows something about discovery. Not only will this improve your analysis, but also improve how well your essay flows, how well your argument is organised, and more :D
This would be the main change I'd suggest. There are others, to do with things like expression (being a little more succinct) and structure (ensuring all your ideas throughout the response tie together properly, particularly in the conclusion), but analysis is definitely where you should focus your efforts for now!! ;D
I don't like giving specific marks out (I'm under qualified, aha!), but I'd say this would be sitting on about 10-11/15. It's purely that analysis that needs work, because fixing that will fix practically everything else!! ;D
I hope this feedback helps you Tahmina! I'd love to see you take the essay away, work on it for a while and then bring it back for a second set of feedback! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 08, 2016, 12:45:27 am
HI there (finally found the right place to post ;D)
If its not too much trouble could you please have a look at my discovery essay.
I think my main problem is not having a sustained argument and enough links to discovery hmmm...
please rip it apart hahha
Thank you so much! Appreciate your time :)
jack
Hey Jack! Thanks for posting your essay! It's attached below inside a spoiler, with comments throughout in bold. I hope the feedback helps!! ;D
EDIT: This feedback is not yet complete, got distracted by Wimbledon and need to get some rest, will be finished as soon as possible!
ANOTHER EDIT: After a sudden final burst of energy, feedback complete! Hope it helps, I'm off to bed now ;)
Spoiler
‘Discoveries can open new ways of understanding the world’. In what ways is this shown in your core text and TWO related texts of your choosing?
Discovery is by nature paradoxical, having the potential to empower and enlighten individuals and society, while raising difficult questions about moral responsibility and humanity’s place in the world. Haha, that Thesis made me smile, well expressed and very clever. I'd like another sentence on it though, flesh it out a little more! Bryson’s non-fiction account “A Short History of Nearly Everything” provokes us to develop a more nuanced understanding of the nature and course of scientific discovery, culminating in a call to action to protect our fragile planet. In contrast, Margaret Atwood explores discovery as integral to identity in her metaphysical poem “Journey to the Interior”, where her confronting “Interior” discovery challenges the value of self-exploration. In his post-modern poem “Brief thoughts on a test-tube”, Miroslav Holub castigates humanity’s neglect of the unethical impacts of its discoveries in sight of greater scientific understandings. Excellent introduction of texts here, good summary of their Discovery ideas. These representations provide valuable insights into the complexity of discovery and provoke readers in their call for awareness and action. Fantastic introduction! I'd like to see the final sentence tie to the question a little more, as well as a sentence identifying the topics of your following paragraphs in some way. Besides these points, absolutely fantastic! :D
Bryson provokes our understanding of discovery, portraying it as embodying our “divine and felonious” nature. With your paragraphs, try to start with something more conceptual. Usually, we start with a concept then tie the text into the concept with the second sentence. With a comedic introduction and self-contained linear vignettes emerging from Bryson’s “quiet but insistent urge to know a little”, he was motivated for an admirable “three years “of study to enlighten us layman colloquially with the “good stuff” of science. His determination to understand is comparable to curious characters such as Marie Curie and her “devoted and unwittingly high-risk work” in her confronting encounter on the pernicious effect of “radioactivity”. Although Curie was deservingly “awarded the Nobel prize “, Bryson challenges the benefits of her findings as they ironically formed the basis of today’s ruinous nuclear weaponry. Good contextual link to modern audiences; try and be a little more explicit about that! Contrastingly, Bryson also reveals that scientific discoveries are often inspired by more base desires due to their euphemistic “commercial potential”, as evident in Midgley’s discovery of the toxic “tetraethyl lead”. I can see how you are linking to the two-sided argument you presented at the start. While the discovery fixed “engine knock”, Bryson’s appalled tone highlights the “embarrassing profitability” that overrode any evaluation of its lethal potential. He humanises science in his judicious selection of striking personalities linked only by their intense efforts, their discoveries opening new ways of understanding our world, however they do not all offer positive impacts on humanity. Nice conclusion! This paragraph has some great textual references here, good use of techniques and quotes, but I think your links to Discovery can be more explicit. Be sure to specifically say how each quote/technique is relevant to Discovery and to the reader!
Contrastingly, Atwood explores discovery as prompted by metaphysical necessity for growth and identity, however, warns of the dangers associated with self-discovery. In this case, this works well, since you introduce the text and concept together. Just NEVER go straight into a text without some kind of rich conceptual background like you have here. Atwood provokes for a deeper knowledge of self, beyond society’s two-dimensional perceptions portrayed in the simile “flat as a wall” and into the endless span of the symbolic “prairies” of the mind. The extended metaphor of her Canadian landscape conveys the multifarious layers of self-discovery, dependent on the individual’s potential to create or remould past perceptions. Absolutely fantastic analysis here. However, mirroring her central motif of being without direction “line on a map…no destination”, the unnatural imagery of “shoe among brambles” forms a multilayered view of self-discovery as both pervasive and at times fearful in its untamed nature. Consequently, she ironically challenges the destructive potential of self-depressive thoughts, depicting the mind as a metaphorical “vacant wilderness” in juxtaposition to the previous euphonic “prairies”, where her renewed understanding is evident in the realisation that “it is easier to lose my way…here”. The break of syntax in the absence of a period suggests the limitless capacity for new understandings of self, however Atwood condemns not all self-discoveries are valuable in the double entendre of the metaphorical “paring knife” of new knowledge, where its deathly connotations bears the questioning of its worth. I'd like to see a more conclusive sentence to finish, but this is a bloody brilliant paragraph. Try and develop it even further by discussing the impact on the audience a little more explicitly (anything resonate particularly well with our context?
Bryson is didactic in his call for a re-evaluation of the difficult questions about humanity’s moral responsibility. Reflecting today’s controversial issue of climate change, Bryson distils Earth to a humorous exaggeration of an estate-like advertisement to highlight our oxymoronic “awfully lucky” existence in view of humanity’s statistical insignificance as a species, making up of only “0.01 percent of Earth’s history”. Fantastic work here, but technique? However, despite humanity’s physical vulnerability, he parallels our capacity for paradoxical “dangerous beauty” in the vignette of Rothschild’s “natural history factory” that ironically sacrificed “over two million specimens”, revealing the confronting truth of human’s “erratic” behaviour. Similarly, Bryson derogatorily characterises Bryan as “ruthless”, shocked at his shooting of the last black mamos in “joy”, reinforcing the “divine and felonious” nature of humans and the destructive and unethical impacts of our discoveries. More fantasticalness - Adding some audience impacts throughout, considering how our perceptions of discovery have been altered, with elevate you even further. Consequently, Bryson is didactic in his request for greater moral awareness and responsibility in his urgent anaphora of “One planet, one experiment”. Further, Bryson’s inclusive pronoun prose “we” creates a sense of both individual and collective responsibility in making sure “we never find the end” of the privilege existence on Earth. Bryson’s call for action provokes the readers to question moral dilemmas arising from the destructive potential of scientific discoveries. Fantastic work in this paragraph, I don't have much to critique at all!
Holub condemns mankind’s refusal to acknowledge the destructive potential of new knowledge. The free verse poem explores the new phenomenon of “test-tube” science through dystopic lens, where unlike Bryson, he ironically simplifies the creation of life as “You take a bit of fire, a bit of water…you mix it”, parodying the scientific method with repetitive imperatives, the solitary scientist becomes a symbol for humanity’s single aim for scientific knowledge. That sentence was a bit of a mouthful, I'd split it in half. Also, a technique for that quote? However, as a science poet, he raises the ethical dilemma heightened by humanity’s seek for Promethean-like powers, revealing his moral questioning of whether these breakthroughs are characterised as “progress” or are regressive. I'm noticing just a few syntax/expression issues throughout the response, which I'll mention now in response to "seek", which should be "search." Nevertheless, Holub is aware that many of his peers are deaf to the cries of ethicists, amplified in the assertion “that’s the point, not to hear”, condemning the insular nature of science abandons any ethical concerns in its addiction for new understandings. Further, the clever double entendre embodied in the title “Brief thoughts” suggests the rash and inadequate consideration of the moral ramifications while highlighting it only takes a “moment” for humans to become an expendable commodity. Holub is didactic in his call for a re-evaluation of our pursuit for scientific understandings, the repeated imperative “you” provokes the readers at a personal level to realise we are all in the metaphorical “test-tube” of life. Definitely needs a more conclusive finish again here, but wonderful yet again.
The writers’ judicious selection of examples successfully embodies the paradoxical nature of discovery in their effective representations, unified in a call for a re-evaluation of humanity’s role. I think there should be a conceptual sentence before this one; setting up the conceptual drive of your essay again before delving into the texts, just like your Thesis. While Bryson explores physical destruction arising from scientific discoveries motivated by curiosity and greed, Atwood offers a metaphysical aspect into discoveries sparked by inner necessity for identity and their capacity for mental destruction. Similar to Bryson’s didactic purpose for a re-evaluation of humanity’s role, Holub urges society to consider the morally ambiguous “test-tube” science, highlighting the unethical impacts that seem to regress human development. Although all three writers challenge the destructive potential of human discoveries, without these new understandings, irrelevant of their enhancing or destructive nature, our society would not have advanced to where it is today. Great conclusion on the whole, but I think it could link to the question a little more effectively.
Discovery is by nature paradoxical, having the potential to empower and enlighten individuals and society, while raising difficult questions about moral responsibility and humanity’s place in the world. Haha, that Thesis made me smile, well expressed and very clever. I'd like another sentence on it though, flesh it out a little more! Bryson’s non-fiction account “A Short History of Nearly Everything” provokes us to develop a more nuanced understanding of the nature and course of scientific discovery, culminating in a call to action to protect our fragile planet. In contrast, Margaret Atwood explores discovery as integral to identity in her metaphysical poem “Journey to the Interior”, where her confronting “Interior” discovery challenges the value of self-exploration. In his post-modern poem “Brief thoughts on a test-tube”, Miroslav Holub castigates humanity’s neglect of the unethical impacts of its discoveries in sight of greater scientific understandings. Excellent introduction of texts here, good summary of their Discovery ideas. These representations provide valuable insights into the complexity of discovery and provoke readers in their call for awareness and action. Fantastic introduction! I'd like to see the final sentence tie to the question a little more, as well as a sentence identifying the topics of your following paragraphs in some way. Besides these points, absolutely fantastic! :D
Bryson provokes our understanding of discovery, portraying it as embodying our “divine and felonious” nature. With your paragraphs, try to start with something more conceptual. Usually, we start with a concept then tie the text into the concept with the second sentence. With a comedic introduction and self-contained linear vignettes emerging from Bryson’s “quiet but insistent urge to know a little”, he was motivated for an admirable “three years “of study to enlighten us layman colloquially with the “good stuff” of science. His determination to understand is comparable to curious characters such as Marie Curie and her “devoted and unwittingly high-risk work” in her confronting encounter on the pernicious effect of “radioactivity”. Although Curie was deservingly “awarded the Nobel prize “, Bryson challenges the benefits of her findings as they ironically formed the basis of today’s ruinous nuclear weaponry. Good contextual link to modern audiences; try and be a little more explicit about that! Contrastingly, Bryson also reveals that scientific discoveries are often inspired by more base desires due to their euphemistic “commercial potential”, as evident in Midgley’s discovery of the toxic “tetraethyl lead”. I can see how you are linking to the two-sided argument you presented at the start. While the discovery fixed “engine knock”, Bryson’s appalled tone highlights the “embarrassing profitability” that overrode any evaluation of its lethal potential. He humanises science in his judicious selection of striking personalities linked only by their intense efforts, their discoveries opening new ways of understanding our world, however they do not all offer positive impacts on humanity. Nice conclusion! This paragraph has some great textual references here, good use of techniques and quotes, but I think your links to Discovery can be more explicit. Be sure to specifically say how each quote/technique is relevant to Discovery and to the reader!
Contrastingly, Atwood explores discovery as prompted by metaphysical necessity for growth and identity, however, warns of the dangers associated with self-discovery. In this case, this works well, since you introduce the text and concept together. Just NEVER go straight into a text without some kind of rich conceptual background like you have here. Atwood provokes for a deeper knowledge of self, beyond society’s two-dimensional perceptions portrayed in the simile “flat as a wall” and into the endless span of the symbolic “prairies” of the mind. The extended metaphor of her Canadian landscape conveys the multifarious layers of self-discovery, dependent on the individual’s potential to create or remould past perceptions. Absolutely fantastic analysis here. However, mirroring her central motif of being without direction “line on a map…no destination”, the unnatural imagery of “shoe among brambles” forms a multilayered view of self-discovery as both pervasive and at times fearful in its untamed nature. Consequently, she ironically challenges the destructive potential of self-depressive thoughts, depicting the mind as a metaphorical “vacant wilderness” in juxtaposition to the previous euphonic “prairies”, where her renewed understanding is evident in the realisation that “it is easier to lose my way…here”. The break of syntax in the absence of a period suggests the limitless capacity for new understandings of self, however Atwood condemns not all self-discoveries are valuable in the double entendre of the metaphorical “paring knife” of new knowledge, where its deathly connotations bears the questioning of its worth. I'd like to see a more conclusive sentence to finish, but this is a bloody brilliant paragraph. Try and develop it even further by discussing the impact on the audience a little more explicitly (anything resonate particularly well with our context?
Bryson is didactic in his call for a re-evaluation of the difficult questions about humanity’s moral responsibility. Reflecting today’s controversial issue of climate change, Bryson distils Earth to a humorous exaggeration of an estate-like advertisement to highlight our oxymoronic “awfully lucky” existence in view of humanity’s statistical insignificance as a species, making up of only “0.01 percent of Earth’s history”. Fantastic work here, but technique? However, despite humanity’s physical vulnerability, he parallels our capacity for paradoxical “dangerous beauty” in the vignette of Rothschild’s “natural history factory” that ironically sacrificed “over two million specimens”, revealing the confronting truth of human’s “erratic” behaviour. Similarly, Bryson derogatorily characterises Bryan as “ruthless”, shocked at his shooting of the last black mamos in “joy”, reinforcing the “divine and felonious” nature of humans and the destructive and unethical impacts of our discoveries. More fantasticalness - Adding some audience impacts throughout, considering how our perceptions of discovery have been altered, with elevate you even further. Consequently, Bryson is didactic in his request for greater moral awareness and responsibility in his urgent anaphora of “One planet, one experiment”. Further, Bryson’s inclusive pronoun prose “we” creates a sense of both individual and collective responsibility in making sure “we never find the end” of the privilege existence on Earth. Bryson’s call for action provokes the readers to question moral dilemmas arising from the destructive potential of scientific discoveries. Fantastic work in this paragraph, I don't have much to critique at all!
Holub condemns mankind’s refusal to acknowledge the destructive potential of new knowledge. The free verse poem explores the new phenomenon of “test-tube” science through dystopic lens, where unlike Bryson, he ironically simplifies the creation of life as “You take a bit of fire, a bit of water…you mix it”, parodying the scientific method with repetitive imperatives, the solitary scientist becomes a symbol for humanity’s single aim for scientific knowledge. That sentence was a bit of a mouthful, I'd split it in half. Also, a technique for that quote? However, as a science poet, he raises the ethical dilemma heightened by humanity’s seek for Promethean-like powers, revealing his moral questioning of whether these breakthroughs are characterised as “progress” or are regressive. I'm noticing just a few syntax/expression issues throughout the response, which I'll mention now in response to "seek", which should be "search." Nevertheless, Holub is aware that many of his peers are deaf to the cries of ethicists, amplified in the assertion “that’s the point, not to hear”, condemning the insular nature of science abandons any ethical concerns in its addiction for new understandings. Further, the clever double entendre embodied in the title “Brief thoughts” suggests the rash and inadequate consideration of the moral ramifications while highlighting it only takes a “moment” for humans to become an expendable commodity. Holub is didactic in his call for a re-evaluation of our pursuit for scientific understandings, the repeated imperative “you” provokes the readers at a personal level to realise we are all in the metaphorical “test-tube” of life. Definitely needs a more conclusive finish again here, but wonderful yet again.
The writers’ judicious selection of examples successfully embodies the paradoxical nature of discovery in their effective representations, unified in a call for a re-evaluation of humanity’s role. I think there should be a conceptual sentence before this one; setting up the conceptual drive of your essay again before delving into the texts, just like your Thesis. While Bryson explores physical destruction arising from scientific discoveries motivated by curiosity and greed, Atwood offers a metaphysical aspect into discoveries sparked by inner necessity for identity and their capacity for mental destruction. Similar to Bryson’s didactic purpose for a re-evaluation of humanity’s role, Holub urges society to consider the morally ambiguous “test-tube” science, highlighting the unethical impacts that seem to regress human development. Although all three writers challenge the destructive potential of human discoveries, without these new understandings, irrelevant of their enhancing or destructive nature, our society would not have advanced to where it is today. Great conclusion on the whole, but I think it could link to the question a little more effectively.
This is an absolutely killer essay Jack, really superb. A very clever Thesis that is set up brilliantly, some fantastic textual references and quotes, and perhaps best of all, consistent links of the techniques to the discovery concept portrayed by the composer. You've handled a tough question fantastically: Brilliant! ;D
My faults with this essay are small, but there are a handful. Before I get into them though (you did ask me to tear it apart right ;)), just know that this is already absolutely stellar, and already going to perform really well in any scenario. So great work! ;D
First, your structure needs a little bit of work. Conclusive sentences on your paragraphs should be more definitive, and your conclusion itself should tie to the original Thesis just that little bit more. It doesn't quite wrap up the question as well as I would like. Your introductory sentences on each paragraph could also do with some expansions: One sentence on concept, one on text, instead of just a single sentence doing both (just an idea). Just a few little tidy ups :D
Second, I don't think your paragraphs are answering the question as effectively as they could be. Really, you just need to use your introduction/conclusion sentences a little more cleverly to link the concept you are discussing to "new ways of understanding the world." You already imply these connections, but be explicit for maximum effectiveness. Ensure that every paragraph is justified and answers the question directly.
Third, some slight expression issues. Be sure to read through your essay aloud and listen for areas where you go; "Hmm, that sounded funny." You can normally pick them up pretty quick this way :D
Finally, to really extend yourself, challenge yourself to include the impact on the audience a little more often. You do it in places, I want to see even more ;D
I hope this feedback helps Jack! As I said, this essay is already brilliant, some polish would make it even more exceptional ;D you should definitely take it away and repost the edits, or even try making it fit another question? That would be a great challenge 8)
Awesome work Jack!! ;D
Post by: tahmina on July 08, 2016, 08:58:11 am
Post by: likeneverbefore on July 08, 2016, 10:10:55 am
I hope this feedback helps Jack! As I said, this essay is already brilliant, some polish would make it even more exceptional ;D you should definitely take it away and repost the edits, or even try making it fit another question? That would be a great challenge 8)
Awesome work Jack!! ;D
Hey Jamon
Thank you so much for the insightful comments and FOR STAYING UP SO LATE TOO :)!
hahaha yeah wimbledon has kept me away from studying hahaah (DID YOU WATCH FED'S COMEBACK?!?!) ;D
Thank you once again i really appreciate it! I am going to fix it up now :)
Jack
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 08, 2016, 10:20:59 am
Hey Jamon
Thank you so much for the insightful comments and FOR STAYING UP SO LATE TOO :)!
hahaha yeah wimbledon has kept me away from studying hahaah (DID YOU WATCH FED'S COMEBACK?!?!) ;D
Thank you once again i really appreciate it! I am going to fix it up now :)
Jack
Legend! Definitely let me know if you need anything clarified in my feedback! ;D
THAT COMEBACK WAS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!! I'd love to see Federer win this one last Wimbledon ;D
Post by: tahmina on July 08, 2016, 05:21:28 pm
would be able to have a look again and see if its any better then previous.. would appreciate a lot
Post by: conic curve on July 08, 2016, 07:16:57 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 08, 2016, 07:20:45 pm
Whenever we post our essay for marking, are we allowed to post 2 at a time (or more)?
Sure! As long as you meet the "5 per essay" rule then you are all sweet, and we might stagger them if we have other people waiting on feedback, try and make sure other students don't experience an unusual delay ;D
Post by: conic curve on July 08, 2016, 09:28:18 pm
Sure! As long as you meet the "5 per essay" rule then you are all sweet, and we might stagger them if we have other people waiting on feedback, try and make sure other students don't experience an unusual delay ;D
Fantastic
If however you moderators are busy, then I'll have to do 1 at a time. If you aren't busy at all (and have a lot of spare time atm) then I'll send in 2-4 essays at once. Are you fine with that?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 08, 2016, 09:34:14 pm
Fantastic
If however you moderators are busy, then I'll have to do 1 at a time. If you aren't busy at all (and have a lot of spare time atm) then I'll send in 2-4 essays at once. Are you fine with that?
To be honest, we are always busy, if you post 3 or 4 essays then expect about a week for us to get to them all ;D even when the markers are on uni holidays, we are working on lectures or other free content for you guys, so we'll never have entire days for marking. All that said, post as many as you like! We are here to help in every way we can ;D
Post by: conic curve on July 09, 2016, 03:14:35 pm
To be honest, we are always busy, if you post 3 or 4 essays then expect about a week for us to get to them all ;D even when the markers are on uni holidays, we are working on lectures or other free content for you guys, so we'll never have entire days for marking. All that said, post as many as you like! We are here to help in every way we can ;D
Oh well, if I do post 2-4 essays all at once, then I'll have to do something while waiting for my essays to be marked (possibly work on another essay/creative and edit it thoroughly before resubmitting but to be honest, I don't know, we'll just have to see when the time comes)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 10, 2016, 12:39:24 am
hi I'm sorry to bother again, but this is my edited peace of discovery !
would be able to have a look again and see if its any better then previous.. would appreciate a lot
Hey Tahmina! I'd definitely be happy to have another look, essay is attached as usual! ;D
PS - While I remember, make sure to only post your essays once, and in the right spot! (AoS in this thread, and your Module essays over in the Standard thread)
Spoiler
One cannot experience a discovery without being transformed by its ramifications. The impact of discoveries, whatever aspect or shape they make take, will undoubtedly transform the discoverer and consequently the wider society around them. Australian playwright Michael Gows ‘away’ and Joshua Weigel short film ‘the butterfly circus’ explore the transformative and revelatory nature of discovery. Ensure that text names are capitalised. The following texts explore the impact of discoveries through the anagnorisis of its protagonists. With the edit you make to the next sentence, this one is irrelevant, I'd remove it entirely if I were you! These texts explore the underlying nature of self-discovery, that it has a transformative effect on individuals, ultimately leading to their greater depth of self-awareness and empathy towards members of the wider society. Fantastic intro! Not much to fault at all, but I'd still like to see a list of what topics you will be discussing in your paragraphs (EG - how physical relationships, sudden and unexpected nature of discoveries, and context, affect how the discoverer is transformed).
The transformative nature of self-discovery is demonstrated through physical relationships, which can be mended through reconciliation and communication. In Gows play the negative connotation “hate” in “I hate silly people” stated by Gwen depicts the human nature and her snobbish character, further implies to her unawareness of her own self-discovery. Slightly messy expression there, try "depicts the nature of her snobbish character, and further...". You also can just use the single word quotes and ditch the full version. The audience is able to empathize for the character as Gow portrays her as a stereotypical nagging mother as well allowing us to see the confrontations and assumptions made towards the wider society. Messy expression. Gows anaphoric and truncated sentence ‘it was money, it was bread, work’ emphasizes their harsh reality of their past, Gow effectively shows their transformative nature compared to their past. Good! Nice flow from technique, to example, to what is shows about the transformative nature of relationships. Through this the audience sees their tangible nature through the Great Depression and successfully enabling us to speculate about the future possibilities. Slightly messy expression. Gows use of personal pronoun of “us” through Gwen as she states “for all of us” reaffirms her spiritual connection with her family, as Gow confidently evaluates their hidden emotions towards each other. Good, but you don't need to say "through Gwen" (indeed, this sounds a little messy), just go straight to the quote, I don't even need to know which character said it! This enables the audience to realise the importance of communication when re-discovering themselves to renew perceptions of others and ourselves. You are frequently linking to what we as an audience learn about discovery, fantastic work. Gows effective use of irony through Gwen as she states ‘snide” and the negative connotation “rude” directed at Meg depicts her own-self. Again, don't say "through Gwen," you can just say "Gow's effective use of irony through negatively connotative words such as "snide" and "rude" depict.... This point is also a little unclear. Gow portrays her to be physically blaming others for her widely held assumptions and beliefs towards human experiences and the world. The irony puts the audience in an uncomfortable nature, also allowing us to see the process of challenges and curiosity to a person’s self-discovery. Thus it is clear Gows effective techniques explore the human nature of self-discovery and the process of re-discovering something, which has been lost. My primary issue with this paragraph is epitomised by your first and last sentence. Do they match? You haven't maintained a conceptual focus, you must stay on track!! The best indicator of this is your intro and conclusion, they should say the same thing, otherwise you have strayed from where you planned to stay.
Similar to chaos in life, many discoveries made by individuals are sudden and unexpected. This instigates the process of self-reflection and awareness in both texts. I'd like to see something like "thus showing the audience..." here, but good! In Gows play ‘away’ the use of exaggeration in the negative connotation ‘burst’ in “my heads about to burst” is evident of the first steps to Gwen’s self-discovery and re-discovering something that has been lost. Ensure text names are capitalised. Gows explicitness through the negative connotation allows the audience to see the heartfelt emotions, which deepens the understanding of the concept of discovery.Good. Through the end of the play, Gows use of soft alliteration of ‘w’ in ‘come down to the water, the water is so warm’ conveys Gwen’s nurturing attitude towards her relationships. You can make yourself a little more succinct throughout this essay, and the easiest way is just by streamlining your quotes. Here for example, just say: "Gows use of soft alliteration in "come down to the water..." The symbolism of the water connects the motif of water towards her self-discovery, thus being reflective of cleansing and healing the soul. Through this the audience is able to see the nature of unexpected discoveries and the distinguishing factors, which lead to a persons self-discovery. Great! Similarly in the ‘butterfly circus’ the visual imagery of the butterfly emphasizes the positive and spiritual change that renews Will’s perceptions of life. Ensure text names are capitalised Juxtaposed with the driven symbolism of the dimming light reflected at a mid shot of Will compels his inability to make physical change. Slightly messy expression. Weigel’s effective technique utilizes variety of factors, which lead to the self-discovery of Will. Slightly messy expression. Also enhancing the audience’s assumption and beliefs for the future, as well stimulating new ideas to deepen new perceptions of others and ourselves. Slightly messy expression. The frequent change in diegetic music becomes confronting when the community ‘mocks’ Will for his disability. The close up shot of Mendez’s face is provocative as he is disgusted by the reaction of the community juxtaposed with the close up of Wills face evaluates the tangible nature of his heartfelt emotions. Mendez becomes a character that helps Will overcome his fears and to ‘follow his dreams’, the long shot of the road gives a clear indication of Wills self-discovery leading to new worlds and values. Through the effectiveness of both composers techniques it is clear discoveries can be confronting and provocative. Again, I think you should now turn your focus to ensuring that your conceptual focus is maintained. Your topic sentences do not match your conclusions!
One’s discovery can vary according to the different personal and social contexts in which the individual is able to experience them. In ‘Away” the wilderness beach settings symbolizes the negative attitude and possessions being washed away, their isolation on the beach prompts introspection and questioning their previous relationships. Gows driven symbolism allows the audience to take on new experiences and perceptions, and explore new discoveries within themselves. Fantastic! The effective symbolism of the Fire, when there all near a fire camp depicts a new start as there past has been washed away. This enhances the audiences understanding of the ramifications and that change is a progress, which leads to new discoveries. Gows symbolism of ‘Burnt” acknowledges their renewal perceptions of themselves and others. Similarly in ‘The butterfly Circus’ Weigel’s flashback establishes each characters personal discovery and their inability of transforming being washed away. Ensure text names are capitalised. Thus effectively evaluates that personal progress is a challenge, which needs to be confronted in order to re-discover yourself. Slightly messy expression. The symbolism of the water, when will falls in the wilderness river is seen being reminiscent of his ability to swim. This represents the cleansing of his past to affirm his self-discovery. Try to extend this symbolism beyond the character: What does it show about Discovery in general? This voyage is seen through the symbolism of the water to deepen the human understanding of physical discovery through challenges and reconciliation. Thus it is clear to re-discover yourself you are to challenge and affirm your human experiences in order to transform. Again, conclusions not matching introductions!
Discovery can encompass the experience of discovering something which will impact the themselves and the wider society. Through the authentic techniques used by both director and playwright highlights the human nature of reality and the ramifications, which differ from different perspectives. They underline the notion of discovery to stimulate a profound response upon the audience whilst portraying the notion of ramifications.
The transformative nature of self-discovery is demonstrated through physical relationships, which can be mended through reconciliation and communication. In Gows play the negative connotation “hate” in “I hate silly people” stated by Gwen depicts the human nature and her snobbish character, further implies to her unawareness of her own self-discovery. Slightly messy expression there, try "depicts the nature of her snobbish character, and further...". You also can just use the single word quotes and ditch the full version. The audience is able to empathize for the character as Gow portrays her as a stereotypical nagging mother as well allowing us to see the confrontations and assumptions made towards the wider society. Messy expression. Gows anaphoric and truncated sentence ‘it was money, it was bread, work’ emphasizes their harsh reality of their past, Gow effectively shows their transformative nature compared to their past. Good! Nice flow from technique, to example, to what is shows about the transformative nature of relationships. Through this the audience sees their tangible nature through the Great Depression and successfully enabling us to speculate about the future possibilities. Slightly messy expression. Gows use of personal pronoun of “us” through Gwen as she states “for all of us” reaffirms her spiritual connection with her family, as Gow confidently evaluates their hidden emotions towards each other. Good, but you don't need to say "through Gwen" (indeed, this sounds a little messy), just go straight to the quote, I don't even need to know which character said it! This enables the audience to realise the importance of communication when re-discovering themselves to renew perceptions of others and ourselves. You are frequently linking to what we as an audience learn about discovery, fantastic work. Gows effective use of irony through Gwen as she states ‘snide” and the negative connotation “rude” directed at Meg depicts her own-self. Again, don't say "through Gwen," you can just say "Gow's effective use of irony through negatively connotative words such as "snide" and "rude" depict.... This point is also a little unclear. Gow portrays her to be physically blaming others for her widely held assumptions and beliefs towards human experiences and the world. The irony puts the audience in an uncomfortable nature, also allowing us to see the process of challenges and curiosity to a person’s self-discovery. Thus it is clear Gows effective techniques explore the human nature of self-discovery and the process of re-discovering something, which has been lost. My primary issue with this paragraph is epitomised by your first and last sentence. Do they match? You haven't maintained a conceptual focus, you must stay on track!! The best indicator of this is your intro and conclusion, they should say the same thing, otherwise you have strayed from where you planned to stay.
Similar to chaos in life, many discoveries made by individuals are sudden and unexpected. This instigates the process of self-reflection and awareness in both texts. I'd like to see something like "thus showing the audience..." here, but good! In Gows play ‘away’ the use of exaggeration in the negative connotation ‘burst’ in “my heads about to burst” is evident of the first steps to Gwen’s self-discovery and re-discovering something that has been lost. Ensure text names are capitalised. Gows explicitness through the negative connotation allows the audience to see the heartfelt emotions, which deepens the understanding of the concept of discovery.Good. Through the end of the play, Gows use of soft alliteration of ‘w’ in ‘come down to the water, the water is so warm’ conveys Gwen’s nurturing attitude towards her relationships. You can make yourself a little more succinct throughout this essay, and the easiest way is just by streamlining your quotes. Here for example, just say: "Gows use of soft alliteration in "come down to the water..." The symbolism of the water connects the motif of water towards her self-discovery, thus being reflective of cleansing and healing the soul. Through this the audience is able to see the nature of unexpected discoveries and the distinguishing factors, which lead to a persons self-discovery. Great! Similarly in the ‘butterfly circus’ the visual imagery of the butterfly emphasizes the positive and spiritual change that renews Will’s perceptions of life. Ensure text names are capitalised Juxtaposed with the driven symbolism of the dimming light reflected at a mid shot of Will compels his inability to make physical change. Slightly messy expression. Weigel’s effective technique utilizes variety of factors, which lead to the self-discovery of Will. Slightly messy expression. Also enhancing the audience’s assumption and beliefs for the future, as well stimulating new ideas to deepen new perceptions of others and ourselves. Slightly messy expression. The frequent change in diegetic music becomes confronting when the community ‘mocks’ Will for his disability. The close up shot of Mendez’s face is provocative as he is disgusted by the reaction of the community juxtaposed with the close up of Wills face evaluates the tangible nature of his heartfelt emotions. Mendez becomes a character that helps Will overcome his fears and to ‘follow his dreams’, the long shot of the road gives a clear indication of Wills self-discovery leading to new worlds and values. Through the effectiveness of both composers techniques it is clear discoveries can be confronting and provocative. Again, I think you should now turn your focus to ensuring that your conceptual focus is maintained. Your topic sentences do not match your conclusions!
One’s discovery can vary according to the different personal and social contexts in which the individual is able to experience them. In ‘Away” the wilderness beach settings symbolizes the negative attitude and possessions being washed away, their isolation on the beach prompts introspection and questioning their previous relationships. Gows driven symbolism allows the audience to take on new experiences and perceptions, and explore new discoveries within themselves. Fantastic! The effective symbolism of the Fire, when there all near a fire camp depicts a new start as there past has been washed away. This enhances the audiences understanding of the ramifications and that change is a progress, which leads to new discoveries. Gows symbolism of ‘Burnt” acknowledges their renewal perceptions of themselves and others. Similarly in ‘The butterfly Circus’ Weigel’s flashback establishes each characters personal discovery and their inability of transforming being washed away. Ensure text names are capitalised. Thus effectively evaluates that personal progress is a challenge, which needs to be confronted in order to re-discover yourself. Slightly messy expression. The symbolism of the water, when will falls in the wilderness river is seen being reminiscent of his ability to swim. This represents the cleansing of his past to affirm his self-discovery. Try to extend this symbolism beyond the character: What does it show about Discovery in general? This voyage is seen through the symbolism of the water to deepen the human understanding of physical discovery through challenges and reconciliation. Thus it is clear to re-discover yourself you are to challenge and affirm your human experiences in order to transform. Again, conclusions not matching introductions!
Discovery can encompass the experience of discovering something which will impact the themselves and the wider society. Through the authentic techniques used by both director and playwright highlights the human nature of reality and the ramifications, which differ from different perspectives. They underline the notion of discovery to stimulate a profound response upon the audience whilst portraying the notion of ramifications.
So in the last version I gave a few pointers, most obvious of which were:
- Add Conclusions
- Shift the focus to improve the sophistication of your analysis
Massive props to you, because you have done both of these! Your analysis is now much, much, much better than your last version, and the conclusions being there really improves the overall structure. Fantastic work on implementing those changes!! ;D
Of course, my job as the marker is to keep giving you places to improve, and I have another two for you.
The first is something that has been accentuated by adding conclusions, and that is staying on track in your paragraphs. Basically, a topic sentence in a paragraph is like a contract! The topic sentence says, "Okay, this is what I will discuss, let's do this." My concern would be that you aren't fulfilling this contract, and your analysis doesn't actually backup what you claim it will very strongly. This is accentuated by your conclusions, which don't match your introductions. Your conclusions MUST match your introductions. Basically, your conclusion is like the follow up on the contract, saying "Right, this is what I discussed, I'm still on track, give me marks please."
My challenge to you is to take every sentence where you say "this shows the audience ______," and ask yourself, "Does it match with what you said you'd discuss in your introduction?" If not, adapt it, and once you have the whole paragraph matching, rewrite your conclusion to suit. Remember, the introduction is your sales contract, and your conclusion is your proof of delivery ;)
This same logic can be applied to your Thesis and Conclusion paragraphs as well. I think yours do match, but the conclusion could be reworked slightly to make the link stronger, I'll leave it with you!
My second qualm is with expression. I really hate saying this as feedback, because I can't really suggest specific ways to fix it without, well, actually fixing it for you. I feel lazy by just saying "improve expression," it is my pet hate. The thing is, I know your ideas are there in this essay, and they are brilliant! However, at times they just aren't expressed in a way that is clear to the marker, it is making me "work" too hard to know where you are coming from. Keep reading through your piece, keep working on making your expression succinct and simple, I've suggested some changes in a few places. Again, please know that I feel bad just saying "expression" as feedback :(
Those are my two main challenges for you!! This is absolutely of a higher standard than the previous work, climbing ever closer to that 15/15 essay, which is definitely within your reach!! Great work Tahmina, seriously great stuff ;D
Post by: tahmina on July 10, 2016, 10:11:17 am
Post by: tahmina on July 10, 2016, 03:49:23 pm
Post by: conic curve on July 10, 2016, 04:36:21 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 10, 2016, 04:47:02 pm
thank youuu ! I've actually learnt a lot about structure through you! so thank you ! :)
So happy to hear that!! ;D
Post by: lha on July 14, 2016, 05:54:02 pm
Thank you!
Post by: jordankoorey on July 16, 2016, 08:15:31 pm
Do you look at transitions? this is for standard
thanks
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 01:46:54 am
This is my AOS essay for motorcycle diaries. Im trying to make it as best as possible for my trials on monday (so close eeek!) and was just wondering if you could mark it as harsh as possible.
Thank you!
Hey Iha! I definitely can, it's attached below with comments in bold! ;D
Spoiler
The process of discovery, whether intentional or coincidental, can help demystify the inexplicable by giving access to previously unexplored realms. This access is given to an individual through the acknowledgment of perceptions not considered formerly; “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore” (Andre Gide), ultimately reaffirming existing ideas or creating new ideas about an individuals surrounding world. Nice Thesis! Simple in premise, but expressed clearly and leaves room for lots of different interpretations of your texts. Throughout The Motorcycle Diaries, a memoir written by Ernesto Guevara, a planned journey enables major intended cultural and intellectual discoveries as well as emotional discoveries that were not originally sought, creating new approaches to Guevara’s surroundings. In addition, Brian Percival’s film, The Book Thief, and Guy de Maupassant’s short story, A Dead Woman’s Secret, both express the impact of deliberate intellectual, emotional and physical discoveries made by the protagonist, and the unexplored realms they lead to. I'd like to see a proper conclusion to this introduction: "Thus, it becomes clear to audiences how discoveries ________," or similar.
Guevara’s depiction of previously mystified domains in The Motorcycle Diaries is a literal one, in that the protagonists journey across South America physically deconstructs the unknown cultures and peoples of the unknown regions, allowing the character, and hence the audience, to grow. I love this sentence not as an opening, but as an amplification. Before this, try to come with a concept that this paragraph will focus on. For example, cultural discoveries and their effect on the individual, or something. Make your first sentence conceptual if you can. In particular, Guevara has used the stylistic feature of memoir writing, vignettes, to convey his journey across South America. As foreshadowed in the first vignette, Guevara’s “wondering around “our America with a capital A””, “changed [him] more than [he] thought”, allowing the responder to consider the unexpected discoveries he has made that have led to such a transformation, as well as the resultant shift in his perceptions on the world. When considering the responder, think BIGGER than just the text, what does the responder learn/consider about the concept of cultural discovery as a whole? Guevara’s hesitation in The Motorcycle Diaries is observed through the “jarring rhythm hammer[ing] at the fortress within [him]”. The strong evocative language of the “jarring rhythm” symbolizes Guevara’s innate intention to discover, with “hammers at the fortress within [him]”, representing the sea pushing Guevara to make a decision as the “fortress” metaphorically protects him from the unknown. What consequence does this have for the audiences understanding of cultural discovery? Furthermore, his use of foreshadowing in conjunction with the personification of the “different sea voice”, supported by the “stronger gust of wind”, conveys the fluctuations in the weather, evoking the reader’s curiosity to speculate the upcoming events. Ensure that each paragraph has a proper conclusion. "Thus, we see _______."
In addition, this memoir demonstrates the capability and effect of demystifying unexplored realms through an ethnographical journey, on spiritual aspects of an individual’s life. Guevara’s journey delineates the enabling of many spiritual discoveries including his relationship with the surrounding nature. For instance, the new environment which he had entered was “as if it were a magic carpet...the whole city rising to meet [them]”, an allusion to an Arabian night through the use of a simile, explaining his unfamiliarity to the situation and outlining the cultural difference of his origins and the places he is discovering. In like manner, the simile in which he uses personification to compare “the winds cold[ness] and the smothering, leaden sky” to his “mood”, implies his spiritual connection to the previously unexplored place which has helped him demystify and acknowledge his emotions. Fantastic use of techniques to analyse the text. You need to take it a step further though and link to the audience! Moreover, the previously unexplored leper colony that Guevara is lead to by his river journey, demystifies his perception of the lifestyles of ill people, using imagery to describe the lepers as they live “in typical jungle huts, doing whatever they choose, looking after themselves”. Guevara essentially alludes the power that discovery has on the demystification of the inexplicable upon having access to previously unexplored realms. Fantastic use of techniques and examples so far, and this paragraph has a stronger conceptual drive, but I'm missing the audience links. WHY is this text worth discussing? What does the responder learn about Discovery?
Similarly, Brian Percival has exhibited the demystification of the previously inexplicable and the exploration of the new worlds that it results in, in his film, The Book Thief, through the main protagonist Liesel. Liesel’s desire to discover unexplored realms in order to demystify previous conceptions she had, elicits her reading every night with Hans. Be careful to avoid plot retells like this: They are actually unnecessary to your analysis! And if they are necessary, then you are relying too much on plot and not enough on representational choices. That is: Focus on techniques! The utilization of a close up shot of Hans’ humorous expression to Liesel while he reminds her to “promise they’ll bury [him] right” and to not “skip chapter six”, portrays the demystification and new knowledge obtained after exploring previously unacknowledged realms. The rhetoric “so you like books?” is also used by Percival to catalyse the audience’s realisation of Liesel’s impending discovery and the unexplored realm it leads to. Slipping into textual retell here; you need to try and develop the argument that the audience learns something new about Discovery on the whole, not just within the text! This is accompanied by the soft non-diegetic violin note playing in the background, foreshadowing the future discovery of the protagonist while creating curiosity amongst the audience. The director’s use of a mid-close-up shot of Liesel’s shocked facial expression illustrates the mesmerizing effect that the demystification of a previously unexplored domain has on an individual. Linking this idea to the audience would have yielded the perfect chain: The COMPOSER uses a TECHNIQUE in the TEXT(Quote) to communicate an IDEA to the AUDIENCE. That is the flow! Following this, a panning shot depicts the scene and objectifies the limitless unexplored realms available to demystify any inexplicable perceptions a person may acquire, with the book-stacked shelves. Furthermore, through the dialogue introducing two primary characters, “Call me Elsa, what should I call you?”, “Liesel”, Percival has utilised a side-view mid shot of Elsa and Liesel to denote the effect that a physical discovery of a formerly unexplored realm has on understanding the inexplicable. Remember to conclude your paragraphs!
Correspondingly, A Dead Woman’s Secret by Guy de Maupassant, is a short story presenting the demystifying outcomes of searching through commonly unexplored areas of an individual’s life. The foreshadowing imagery in “the drawer” where “they took about ten little packages of yellow paper, tied with care and arranged one beside the other” attests to the reader the new understandings about to be made through the discovery of a previously unexplored domain. The mother “whom [the family] never knew” is about to be metaphorically explored, leaving “all her tender memories” vulnerable to the process of discovery which will demystify the inexplicable for the characters. See how you are slipping into retelling the plot, just a tad? Be careful with that, take a step back from the text and just focus on the choices made by the composer. Upon the coincidental discovery of the previously unexplored letters, the mother’s affair was demystified, consequently affecting the husband as he “looked unmoved at the dead woman”. As above, and the retell is all the more obvious without a technique. Maupassant has conveyed the effect of having access to previously unexplored domains on the demystification of an individual’s inexplicable perception of another. This paragraph definitely lacks the depth of the others; are you sure you want to include it? Ensure there is a balance between every text you discuss.
In conclusion, Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries successfully portrays the demystification of unique cultures and people and the wide array of discoveries achieved due to it, through Guevara’s journey across South America. Likewise, Percival and Maupassant have also conveyed this through The Book Thief and A Dead Woman’s Secret, respectively, to explain that by having access to previously mystified fields, new perceptions of individuals, places and formerly unexplored issues, can either be reiterated or further advance into a new opinion. I'd like to see some more conceptual statements in this introduction. Take the focus to the concept, EG - "The notion of cultural discovery ________ blah blah. Clearly, this is seen in _______." Concept first, text second, try this in your conclusion!
Guevara’s depiction of previously mystified domains in The Motorcycle Diaries is a literal one, in that the protagonists journey across South America physically deconstructs the unknown cultures and peoples of the unknown regions, allowing the character, and hence the audience, to grow. I love this sentence not as an opening, but as an amplification. Before this, try to come with a concept that this paragraph will focus on. For example, cultural discoveries and their effect on the individual, or something. Make your first sentence conceptual if you can. In particular, Guevara has used the stylistic feature of memoir writing, vignettes, to convey his journey across South America. As foreshadowed in the first vignette, Guevara’s “wondering around “our America with a capital A””, “changed [him] more than [he] thought”, allowing the responder to consider the unexpected discoveries he has made that have led to such a transformation, as well as the resultant shift in his perceptions on the world. When considering the responder, think BIGGER than just the text, what does the responder learn/consider about the concept of cultural discovery as a whole? Guevara’s hesitation in The Motorcycle Diaries is observed through the “jarring rhythm hammer[ing] at the fortress within [him]”. The strong evocative language of the “jarring rhythm” symbolizes Guevara’s innate intention to discover, with “hammers at the fortress within [him]”, representing the sea pushing Guevara to make a decision as the “fortress” metaphorically protects him from the unknown. What consequence does this have for the audiences understanding of cultural discovery? Furthermore, his use of foreshadowing in conjunction with the personification of the “different sea voice”, supported by the “stronger gust of wind”, conveys the fluctuations in the weather, evoking the reader’s curiosity to speculate the upcoming events. Ensure that each paragraph has a proper conclusion. "Thus, we see _______."
In addition, this memoir demonstrates the capability and effect of demystifying unexplored realms through an ethnographical journey, on spiritual aspects of an individual’s life. Guevara’s journey delineates the enabling of many spiritual discoveries including his relationship with the surrounding nature. For instance, the new environment which he had entered was “as if it were a magic carpet...the whole city rising to meet [them]”, an allusion to an Arabian night through the use of a simile, explaining his unfamiliarity to the situation and outlining the cultural difference of his origins and the places he is discovering. In like manner, the simile in which he uses personification to compare “the winds cold[ness] and the smothering, leaden sky” to his “mood”, implies his spiritual connection to the previously unexplored place which has helped him demystify and acknowledge his emotions. Fantastic use of techniques to analyse the text. You need to take it a step further though and link to the audience! Moreover, the previously unexplored leper colony that Guevara is lead to by his river journey, demystifies his perception of the lifestyles of ill people, using imagery to describe the lepers as they live “in typical jungle huts, doing whatever they choose, looking after themselves”. Guevara essentially alludes the power that discovery has on the demystification of the inexplicable upon having access to previously unexplored realms. Fantastic use of techniques and examples so far, and this paragraph has a stronger conceptual drive, but I'm missing the audience links. WHY is this text worth discussing? What does the responder learn about Discovery?
Similarly, Brian Percival has exhibited the demystification of the previously inexplicable and the exploration of the new worlds that it results in, in his film, The Book Thief, through the main protagonist Liesel. Liesel’s desire to discover unexplored realms in order to demystify previous conceptions she had, elicits her reading every night with Hans. Be careful to avoid plot retells like this: They are actually unnecessary to your analysis! And if they are necessary, then you are relying too much on plot and not enough on representational choices. That is: Focus on techniques! The utilization of a close up shot of Hans’ humorous expression to Liesel while he reminds her to “promise they’ll bury [him] right” and to not “skip chapter six”, portrays the demystification and new knowledge obtained after exploring previously unacknowledged realms. The rhetoric “so you like books?” is also used by Percival to catalyse the audience’s realisation of Liesel’s impending discovery and the unexplored realm it leads to. Slipping into textual retell here; you need to try and develop the argument that the audience learns something new about Discovery on the whole, not just within the text! This is accompanied by the soft non-diegetic violin note playing in the background, foreshadowing the future discovery of the protagonist while creating curiosity amongst the audience. The director’s use of a mid-close-up shot of Liesel’s shocked facial expression illustrates the mesmerizing effect that the demystification of a previously unexplored domain has on an individual. Linking this idea to the audience would have yielded the perfect chain: The COMPOSER uses a TECHNIQUE in the TEXT(Quote) to communicate an IDEA to the AUDIENCE. That is the flow! Following this, a panning shot depicts the scene and objectifies the limitless unexplored realms available to demystify any inexplicable perceptions a person may acquire, with the book-stacked shelves. Furthermore, through the dialogue introducing two primary characters, “Call me Elsa, what should I call you?”, “Liesel”, Percival has utilised a side-view mid shot of Elsa and Liesel to denote the effect that a physical discovery of a formerly unexplored realm has on understanding the inexplicable. Remember to conclude your paragraphs!
Correspondingly, A Dead Woman’s Secret by Guy de Maupassant, is a short story presenting the demystifying outcomes of searching through commonly unexplored areas of an individual’s life. The foreshadowing imagery in “the drawer” where “they took about ten little packages of yellow paper, tied with care and arranged one beside the other” attests to the reader the new understandings about to be made through the discovery of a previously unexplored domain. The mother “whom [the family] never knew” is about to be metaphorically explored, leaving “all her tender memories” vulnerable to the process of discovery which will demystify the inexplicable for the characters. See how you are slipping into retelling the plot, just a tad? Be careful with that, take a step back from the text and just focus on the choices made by the composer. Upon the coincidental discovery of the previously unexplored letters, the mother’s affair was demystified, consequently affecting the husband as he “looked unmoved at the dead woman”. As above, and the retell is all the more obvious without a technique. Maupassant has conveyed the effect of having access to previously unexplored domains on the demystification of an individual’s inexplicable perception of another. This paragraph definitely lacks the depth of the others; are you sure you want to include it? Ensure there is a balance between every text you discuss.
In conclusion, Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries successfully portrays the demystification of unique cultures and people and the wide array of discoveries achieved due to it, through Guevara’s journey across South America. Likewise, Percival and Maupassant have also conveyed this through The Book Thief and A Dead Woman’s Secret, respectively, to explain that by having access to previously mystified fields, new perceptions of individuals, places and formerly unexplored issues, can either be reiterated or further advance into a new opinion. I'd like to see some more conceptual statements in this introduction. Take the focus to the concept, EG - "The notion of cultural discovery ________ blah blah. Clearly, this is seen in _______." Concept first, text second, try this in your conclusion!
Another great essay Iha! The structure to this one is very clear and makes perfect sense, you've established the topic of each reasonably well. Nice use of techniques in most places too, so well done there.
I think the big recommendation I'd make here before your Trials on Monday is linking the audience. In the essay I mention the flow of effective analysis:
COMPOSER uses TECHNIQUE in TEXT to represent an IDEA and communicate it appropriately to the AUDIENCE....
Right now you are doing the first 4, and the last is being done too. However, you are linking to what the audience learns about the text or its characters due to the use of techniques. Instead, try to take a step back: What does the responder learn about discovery on the whole?? ;D
Have a read of my suggestions throughout the response (a few minor structural changes, some more clarity in concept in certain paragraphs, etc), but this integration of the audience is I think the most important bit ;D this is where I'd be devoting work in the coming days for your AoS essay. Remember to work on everything equally though to bring everything as high as possible ;D Great work again Iha, another great essay! ;D
Post by: jordankoorey on July 17, 2016, 01:48:36 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 01:53:40 am
Can you read mine please?
Hey Jordan! We recently ran a set of free lectures for the HSC Trials, Elyse and I have a backlog of marking as a result. We're slowly catching up, but it might be a little while until we reach you. I'm aiming to be caught up by Monday morning so hopefully no later than that! :)
Post by: tahmina on July 17, 2016, 05:00:01 pm
Post by: ehatton2016 on July 17, 2016, 05:52:39 pm
THANK YOU!!
Also, I am doing the English Adv. course - not sure if that means the essay is different though.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 06:04:31 pm
Also, I am doing the English Adv. course - not sure if that means the essay is different though.
The AoS is marked exactly the same for Standard and Advanced. On average, Advanced students will perform better in the AoS than Standard students, but the marking is identical so no dramas ;D
Post by: RuiAce on July 17, 2016, 06:15:16 pm
On average, Advanced students will perform better in the AoS than Standard students, but the marking is identical so no dramas ;DOne comment.
Overall, the trend is that Advanced perform better than Standard because usually the more capable kids don't do Standard. However interestingly, for Paper 1 Section 1 (unseen text analysis) there is a slight trend that Standard perform better than Advanced. This is due to the fact that sometimes Advanced go overboard and derail from the question whereas Standard have plenty of skills needed as is to answer the question and grab the marks.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 07:10:51 pm
One comment.
Overall, the trend is that Advanced perform better than Standard because usually the more capable kids don't do Standard. However interestingly, for Paper 1 Section 1 (unseen text analysis) there is a slight trend that Standard perform better than Advanced. This is due to the fact that sometimes Advanced go overboard and derail from the question whereas Standard have plenty of skills needed as is to answer the question and grab the marks.
Ohhhh I didn't know this!! I did know that the mark difference is most pronounced in Section 3 (and not as apparent in Section 2 because the creative writing is a totally different ball game*). Very interesting indeed!! ;D
* it so happens that I knew someone who did Standard that was an absolute gun in the creative section, put most of my Advanced cohort to shame ;)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 09:13:25 pm
Hi Elyse
Do you look at transitions? this is for standard
thanks
Hey Jordan!! Thanks for posting your speech! Now this isn't an essay, so I'm not going to do comments throughout like normal since your piece will be more free flow, and there is less for me to critique. Instead, some isolated comments between paragraphs and then comments below!
Spoiler
Good morning Ms Raheb and class. Today I have created my visual representation digitally, by using Photoshop. My three central themes that I have included within my portrait includes guilt, alienation and change.
Before I begin, I would like to explain what transitioning is and how it had formed my portrait. The nature of transitions is widely illustrated through the story of Tom Brennan. The novel by JC Burke details the tragic consequences caused by his older brother Daniel which subsequently altered the lives of the Brennan family. The catalyst to their change was Daniels DUI charges which led to several deaths and his cousin becoming a paraplegic. The family is forced to make a significant transition which had severely affected the way they live, interact with one another and changing their inner self. The family was confronted with challenging hurdles. For example, mum no longing making dinner and the Brennans having to leave their home town because of the public anger. The depth of their transition is reflected in a statement made by Tom: “it was deeper than the darkest hole. It had no beginning and no end.
I think you have hit all the marks I'd expect to see in the start of a speech here, except an over-arching Thesis!! To explain, look at the image you composed and tell me in one sentence: What are you trying to say? Chances are that sentence will make a mean Thesis, it is the main concept of your visual and speech! Beyond this, I think you should reorganise. Introduce yourself and the visual, then give your Thesis, then list the themes to be discussed.
As you can see on the image, the most salient image is the women’s two faces. Each symbolic for a particular reason. The backdrop is blue and yellow, with a Celtic symbol above, the NSW coat of arms behind the lady, some of the graffiti which was on the Brennasn house a crashed car. I will explain these in further detail when I discuss my themes.
In a speech, if you have to say something like "but I'll discuss this later," then chances are you didn't need to bring that thing up yet. Consider the ordering of your ideas carefully.
A key theme that is highly prevalent is guilt.
As a result of Daniels action, the family is holding the moral guilt and strain which is the most destructive emotions that the family have to deal with. It most importantly impacts the parents, especially the mother who has struggle to cope with the consequences of what their son has done. This theme is essential by communicating the depth and of this confronting transition and enables the audience to empathise with the characters as they undergo strive. I have chosen a split face to illustrate how the mother has transitioned overtime throughout the book. As you can see, her left face appears a lot older than her left. I based this on Toms quote: as he says one of the worst things was watching them, seeing the hurt and shame and fear in their faces. The way they’d aged in two weeks”. This quote provides the audience with a clear indication of how the parents, especially mum, are struggling to deal with their parental irresponsibility. As a result of the mothers enormous guilt which is evident within this metaphor: Mums bent head revealed grey roots bleeding into her dark hair. Although this is not meant to be taken literally but I have used the grey hair on the picture to illustrate how this transition is causing herself strife and guilt. Furthermore, the illustrations behind the mother indicate her inability to overcome and remain resilient.
You are justifying your decisions on the visual really well, and explaining the concepts well. I'd say to tidy up expression a bit, but this is a speech, so colloquialism is actually probably a good thing. Very different to what is required in an essay. I would say to be really explicit with your concepts, very definite, use powerful words to make the concepts powerful. Concepts = Most Important.
In the background, you can see a car that has crashed and the NSW coat of arms representing the legal system. This pictures indicates how she is unable to cope with her life because they are still present within her mind. I have reduced the opacity on the car to approximately 45% to represent this image as a memory item. By communicating the concept of guilt, the audience grasps a better understanding of the mothers transformation thus illustrating her inability to cope with change. “But that was the thing, it was like she had done something wrong. Like we all had”. This quote further illustrates how the mother is selfishly accepting the guilt on behalf of the family thus growing old because of her depressiveness.
Alienation is another theme to illustrate the effects of the Brenan’s transition through the anguish of social exclusion and isolation. Everyone within the family faces some sort of Alimentation. This theme is centred around the quote “the whole family find themselves marginalised and castigated for the actions of one”. The whole family find themselves marginalised and castigated for the actions of one. I have used text as a motif for the words “No Justice” which remains in the background layer as it serves as a reminder to the Brenan’s, a memory stained in their minds for ever. I'd like to see you reference the techniques used by the composer of your prescribed text! That way, you can try to set up a comparison: They used this technique to portray this concept, but instead, I use this technique!
Alienation is prevalent with all characters but the mother is facing the full brunt of it. This is evident when Tom says “as I passed the oldies room I caught a glimpse of Mums hair spread-out on a pillow. The rest of her was a lump under the sheet”. Thereby highlighting that transitions can be challenging and confronting. The only barriers which is preventing her from transforming away from this transition is herself. Through the communication of this theme and my illustration based on her stress and strain and the “no justice” graphited in the backdrop, thereby illustrates the effects of her transition.
The theme of change plays an important role within transitioning and and illustrating the characters ability to overcome obstacles thus having an effect on others. The theme is present within all characters. Tom experiences a positive change on page 247 where he says “it makes me feel so bad when I think of him. Multiply that by 10,000 and that’s what its like when yo are actually there with him”. This quote demonstrates Toms ability to open up and express himself to his girlfriend. Whilst his mother is described as “I walked out of the bathoom, and there was mum - showered, hair washed and dressed”. From being stranded in bed all day to begin grooming and taking care of yourself is a key indicator of her new phase of life. I'd like to see you set up the concept a little more, go into a bit more depth. Be as philosophical and detailed as you can, really come up with something super clever. Instead of just saying "change is an important part of transitions," say, "Change is a fundamental aspect of human existence, and thus spurs vital transitions for individuals." In both scope and expression, develop your ideas further!
I have incorporated various techniques within my art works to illustrate the theme of change. Firstly, as you can see on the left, the colour yellow is slowly covering the portrait. The yellow is symbolic for optimism and hope. These colours directly relate to the mother and her family and is a direct contrast to the colour blue, representing her depression which no longer exists. Furhtermore, as you have noticed her face is significantly younger on the left, thus illustrating the positive effect of this change as she returns to her normal self. Whilst the emerging yellow represents optism, representing her new phase of life, you can see a Celtic symbol above in the right hand corner of the portrait. This is called the The Triskelion. I have used this because it conveys progression. Progression is key to change which is illustrated through Mum as she subsequently overcomes her alienated self to a more resilient and “normal” mother.
Transitions into a new experience can be a difficult process with many obstacles to overcome. This area is cleverly communicated throughout The Story of Tom Brennan. The themes of guilt, alienation and change compile to illustrate the character’s transformation process. Furthermore, my portrait provides an insight into this change. The use of contrasting from her old self to her new self illustrates her positive transformation where one side represents the depression and guilt, whilst the other side represents progression and resilience.
Before I begin, I would like to explain what transitioning is and how it had formed my portrait. The nature of transitions is widely illustrated through the story of Tom Brennan. The novel by JC Burke details the tragic consequences caused by his older brother Daniel which subsequently altered the lives of the Brennan family. The catalyst to their change was Daniels DUI charges which led to several deaths and his cousin becoming a paraplegic. The family is forced to make a significant transition which had severely affected the way they live, interact with one another and changing their inner self. The family was confronted with challenging hurdles. For example, mum no longing making dinner and the Brennans having to leave their home town because of the public anger. The depth of their transition is reflected in a statement made by Tom: “it was deeper than the darkest hole. It had no beginning and no end.
I think you have hit all the marks I'd expect to see in the start of a speech here, except an over-arching Thesis!! To explain, look at the image you composed and tell me in one sentence: What are you trying to say? Chances are that sentence will make a mean Thesis, it is the main concept of your visual and speech! Beyond this, I think you should reorganise. Introduce yourself and the visual, then give your Thesis, then list the themes to be discussed.
As you can see on the image, the most salient image is the women’s two faces. Each symbolic for a particular reason. The backdrop is blue and yellow, with a Celtic symbol above, the NSW coat of arms behind the lady, some of the graffiti which was on the Brennasn house a crashed car. I will explain these in further detail when I discuss my themes.
In a speech, if you have to say something like "but I'll discuss this later," then chances are you didn't need to bring that thing up yet. Consider the ordering of your ideas carefully.
A key theme that is highly prevalent is guilt.
As a result of Daniels action, the family is holding the moral guilt and strain which is the most destructive emotions that the family have to deal with. It most importantly impacts the parents, especially the mother who has struggle to cope with the consequences of what their son has done. This theme is essential by communicating the depth and of this confronting transition and enables the audience to empathise with the characters as they undergo strive. I have chosen a split face to illustrate how the mother has transitioned overtime throughout the book. As you can see, her left face appears a lot older than her left. I based this on Toms quote: as he says one of the worst things was watching them, seeing the hurt and shame and fear in their faces. The way they’d aged in two weeks”. This quote provides the audience with a clear indication of how the parents, especially mum, are struggling to deal with their parental irresponsibility. As a result of the mothers enormous guilt which is evident within this metaphor: Mums bent head revealed grey roots bleeding into her dark hair. Although this is not meant to be taken literally but I have used the grey hair on the picture to illustrate how this transition is causing herself strife and guilt. Furthermore, the illustrations behind the mother indicate her inability to overcome and remain resilient.
You are justifying your decisions on the visual really well, and explaining the concepts well. I'd say to tidy up expression a bit, but this is a speech, so colloquialism is actually probably a good thing. Very different to what is required in an essay. I would say to be really explicit with your concepts, very definite, use powerful words to make the concepts powerful. Concepts = Most Important.
In the background, you can see a car that has crashed and the NSW coat of arms representing the legal system. This pictures indicates how she is unable to cope with her life because they are still present within her mind. I have reduced the opacity on the car to approximately 45% to represent this image as a memory item. By communicating the concept of guilt, the audience grasps a better understanding of the mothers transformation thus illustrating her inability to cope with change. “But that was the thing, it was like she had done something wrong. Like we all had”. This quote further illustrates how the mother is selfishly accepting the guilt on behalf of the family thus growing old because of her depressiveness.
Alienation is another theme to illustrate the effects of the Brenan’s transition through the anguish of social exclusion and isolation. Everyone within the family faces some sort of Alimentation. This theme is centred around the quote “the whole family find themselves marginalised and castigated for the actions of one”. The whole family find themselves marginalised and castigated for the actions of one. I have used text as a motif for the words “No Justice” which remains in the background layer as it serves as a reminder to the Brenan’s, a memory stained in their minds for ever. I'd like to see you reference the techniques used by the composer of your prescribed text! That way, you can try to set up a comparison: They used this technique to portray this concept, but instead, I use this technique!
Alienation is prevalent with all characters but the mother is facing the full brunt of it. This is evident when Tom says “as I passed the oldies room I caught a glimpse of Mums hair spread-out on a pillow. The rest of her was a lump under the sheet”. Thereby highlighting that transitions can be challenging and confronting. The only barriers which is preventing her from transforming away from this transition is herself. Through the communication of this theme and my illustration based on her stress and strain and the “no justice” graphited in the backdrop, thereby illustrates the effects of her transition.
The theme of change plays an important role within transitioning and and illustrating the characters ability to overcome obstacles thus having an effect on others. The theme is present within all characters. Tom experiences a positive change on page 247 where he says “it makes me feel so bad when I think of him. Multiply that by 10,000 and that’s what its like when yo are actually there with him”. This quote demonstrates Toms ability to open up and express himself to his girlfriend. Whilst his mother is described as “I walked out of the bathoom, and there was mum - showered, hair washed and dressed”. From being stranded in bed all day to begin grooming and taking care of yourself is a key indicator of her new phase of life. I'd like to see you set up the concept a little more, go into a bit more depth. Be as philosophical and detailed as you can, really come up with something super clever. Instead of just saying "change is an important part of transitions," say, "Change is a fundamental aspect of human existence, and thus spurs vital transitions for individuals." In both scope and expression, develop your ideas further!
I have incorporated various techniques within my art works to illustrate the theme of change. Firstly, as you can see on the left, the colour yellow is slowly covering the portrait. The yellow is symbolic for optimism and hope. These colours directly relate to the mother and her family and is a direct contrast to the colour blue, representing her depression which no longer exists. Furhtermore, as you have noticed her face is significantly younger on the left, thus illustrating the positive effect of this change as she returns to her normal self. Whilst the emerging yellow represents optism, representing her new phase of life, you can see a Celtic symbol above in the right hand corner of the portrait. This is called the The Triskelion. I have used this because it conveys progression. Progression is key to change which is illustrated through Mum as she subsequently overcomes her alienated self to a more resilient and “normal” mother.
Transitions into a new experience can be a difficult process with many obstacles to overcome. This area is cleverly communicated throughout The Story of Tom Brennan. The themes of guilt, alienation and change compile to illustrate the character’s transformation process. Furthermore, my portrait provides an insight into this change. The use of contrasting from her old self to her new self illustrates her positive transformation where one side represents the depression and guilt, whilst the other side represents progression and resilience.
I think this speech works well! I did something similar in my preliminary year. I'll be honest, it is very different to an essay, and so my feedback on it is very broad. It is totally dependent on the criteria of the speech. For example, you don't have many techniques from your prescribed text, is this required? You may need some more. Of course, your speech is also something you'll deliver, and marks will come from that alone.
All that said, one thing I definitely think you should add to your speech is the visual techniques you've used in the image. A demand, colour, vectors, etc., anything you've done to portray a concept!! So instead of saying "I added this to show this," say, "I used this technique to show this (and possibly explain how and why). This will add an extra layer of sophistication ;D
I hope my little comments offer at least a little assistance!! Keep playing with your expression to really hammer home your concepts, add some visual techniques, and be sure to practice the speech!! It's all in the delivery ;)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 10:07:53 pm
Hi Guys, this is my first try here on ATAR notes and would love some feedback in regards to my area of study essay. I really need this marked as my teacher is not responding to my questions. The question is the first statement of the rubric:
Discovery can encompass the experience of finding something new or rediscovering something lost forgotten or concealed. Thank you so much.
Hey there CinnamonTea!! Thanks for posting your essay! It's attached in the spoiler below with comments throughout in bold, I really hope it helps!! ;D
Spoiler
Discovery can encompass the experience of finding something new or rediscovering something lost forgotten or concealed.
A discovery is a multi faceted notion that can entail the tangible and the metaphorical. This notion can be the experience of new findings of can be derived from rediscovery of something lost, forgotten or concealed. The non-fiction text "A short History of Nearly everything" (ashone) by Bill Bryson and Colin thompsons picture book "violin man" elucidate this notion. Each text divulges into the physical, intellectual and emotional dimensions which has led to new, deeper and enhanced discoveries. I like this introduction!! Short and sweet, hits the marks it needs to, I'd like to see a list of the themes to be discussed in the essay though! Besides that, not much to say, simple but works well!
Bryson's ASHONE accentuates the enlightening growth and awareness entailed by new discoveries through Isaac Newton. The use of accumulation 'brilliant beyond measure, solitary, and prickly to the point of paranoia' encapsulates Newtons personality that is omitted from society's awareness. This concealed fact itself is a discovery for the responders, broadening the knowledge and insight into the scientist's life, integral for appreciation. Good! But how does this relate to "enlightening growth and awareness?" Newtons discovery of calculus, 'an entirely new form' elucidates the enriching contribution of Newton to the progress in both the worlds and his own intellectual odyssey. Technique here? Bryson uses blunt statement 'told no one about it for 27 years' exemplifies Newtons drive to discover was not fuelled by a need for recognition and power. Slight expression issue there. Instead, responders understand that the value of experiencing new things lied in the growth, the sense of accomplishment and self worth gained through the discovery. Hence, Bryson accentuates the meaning of new discovery and their rewarding nature to individuals. Analysis in this paragraph is good, but I'm not feeling the concept is sustained. Your conclusion and intro sentences, for example, don't quite sync up as nicely as possible. Ensure that your concept is sustained the whole way through the paragraph!
Similarly, violin man (VM) descends into the protagonist's, Oscar, intrinsic fire to experience new discoveries, through the use of red boat. The first sentence in your paragraph should be conceptual; try to keep it as far away from text specifics as possible. "This concept is shown in the text," is as far as you go. The boat serves as a motif for the enduring journey that Oscar undertook to rediscover his identity and values that have been lost through his emotional demise. This is symbolic through the large sized castle juxtaposed to Oscars small home. Like Newton, Oscar does not endorse in society's need for power and fame, instead is driven by his cathartic need. The use of yellow, corresponds to his rediscovery of his purpose and values in life, and symbolises the mental clarity, strength and euphoria gained. Good analysis, but try to bring the audience into your response a little bit! What do WE learn about discovery. Both newton and Oscar share a physical affiliation, where they are driven by an innate need, however each journey is distinct in their purposes, where Newton seeks intellectual discovery whilst Oscar yearns for the rediscovery of his values and purpose in life. Make sure your paragraphs are concluded properly. "Thus, the audience realises ________," or, "Thus, the composer shows us ________," are some ideas.
Moreover, Charles Darwin in ASHONE serves as an epitome of mankind as his experience of discovering new worlds and knowledge is hindered by society. Through dialogue 'you are a disgrace to yourself and to your family' induces pathos for Darwin for he is subjected to scrutiny and criticism for his new and profound discovery of a theory. The responders gain insight that though discoveries can be liberating and rewarding, they can be negative. I love that you are frequently tying in the responder; this particularly was great analysis! Oscar in 'VM' juxtaposes to Darwin where Thompson, uses the colour Crimson to elucidate the intrinsic fuel present in individuals. The Crimson symbolises Oscars endurance and passion to explore and examine his discovery, lacking in Darwin. Unfortunately, unlike Oscar, Darwin is forced to 'lock away his notes for the next forty years'. The high modality word "lock" encapsulates Darwins deprivation of his discovery, obstructing renewed and enriched insights of himself to prosper. The responders realise that Darwins return to his notes will be a rediscovery of concealed knowledge but would not hold the same significance as to his first experiences. Therefore, based on societal acceptance of ones discovery for the first time, an individual can be suppressed from experiencing the bounties that come with discovery. Effective paragraph!
At times, an individual's attitude and choices will determine and impact ones experience of new discoveries accentuated through Albert Einstein in "ASHONE". Slight expression issue there. I'd split that sentence in two! Set up the concept first, and THEN link to a text, this ensures a conceptual focus. This is metaphorically highlighted through Einsteins experience of having a 'child out of wedlock'. The responders are induced with shock at this new knowledge, as it deconstructs the assumptions that scientists are emotionally devoid. Again, good ties to the responder, but how does this specifically relates to individual attitudes and choices? Bryson uses truncated sentence 'never saw his child' to elucidate Einsteins choice to adhere to societal expectations and was thus restricted from experiencing the enlightening growth and awareness gained through parenthood. Like Darwin, Einstein was bounded by contextual influences, limiting his discovering new worlds.
Similarly, Thompson accentuates the loss of a child, an allegorical representation of his own experience. Placed in the centre, Oscar is submerged in darkness, symbolising his inner turmoil and inner isolation. This is a rediscovery for the Thompson, as he rediscovers his concealed memories of his own experiences. This worldview can be inferred to that of Einsteins experiences, for the loss of a child can not be forgotten. Therefore, both Oscar and Einstein are similar as they are subjected to the same obstacle of life-death but unlike Einstein, Oscar does not fear expressing his new experience of distraught emotion.
The incremental process of discovery that involves both new discovery and rediscovery is represented in ASHONE. Bryson places a timeline at the forefront of his text, to exemplify the presence of time and the dynamic experience of discovery. This is what I need! Analysis that is completely independent of plot detail, and purely communicates a concept. Excellent! The diagrams accompanying the timeline grow in complexity, mirroring the individuals own growth as they contemplate on forgotten moments of history that mark moments of humankind's demise and revival. The responders engage with this timeline, as it emphasises the need to rediscover those experiences that have been suppressed, lost and forgotten for they withhold the lessons that enriches an individual's understanding of life and the world. Hence, the timeline serves as an implicit reminder to contemplate on ones discoveries for it allows the individual to escape the parameters of ignorance. This is a VERY effective paragraph. Why? Because it is not text/plot focused, purely conceptual, great analysis here!
In essence, the process of discovery involves that of discovering something for the first time or rediscovering. The texts ASHONE and VM divulge into the experiences of real life individuals to reflect on the bounties gained through these discoveries and the negative scopes. Unfortunately, due to societal expectations and values, an individual can be hindered from exploring their own discoveries while ones attitude will determines ones outlook to their discovery. However, Bryson and Thompson communicate that an individual should contemplate on their discoveries, particularly those forgotten, concealed and lost, for they withhold the greatest opportunities of self growth, self renewal and meaning. Effective conclusion!
A discovery is a multi faceted notion that can entail the tangible and the metaphorical. This notion can be the experience of new findings of can be derived from rediscovery of something lost, forgotten or concealed. The non-fiction text "A short History of Nearly everything" (ashone) by Bill Bryson and Colin thompsons picture book "violin man" elucidate this notion. Each text divulges into the physical, intellectual and emotional dimensions which has led to new, deeper and enhanced discoveries. I like this introduction!! Short and sweet, hits the marks it needs to, I'd like to see a list of the themes to be discussed in the essay though! Besides that, not much to say, simple but works well!
Bryson's ASHONE accentuates the enlightening growth and awareness entailed by new discoveries through Isaac Newton. The use of accumulation 'brilliant beyond measure, solitary, and prickly to the point of paranoia' encapsulates Newtons personality that is omitted from society's awareness. This concealed fact itself is a discovery for the responders, broadening the knowledge and insight into the scientist's life, integral for appreciation. Good! But how does this relate to "enlightening growth and awareness?" Newtons discovery of calculus, 'an entirely new form' elucidates the enriching contribution of Newton to the progress in both the worlds and his own intellectual odyssey. Technique here? Bryson uses blunt statement 'told no one about it for 27 years' exemplifies Newtons drive to discover was not fuelled by a need for recognition and power. Slight expression issue there. Instead, responders understand that the value of experiencing new things lied in the growth, the sense of accomplishment and self worth gained through the discovery. Hence, Bryson accentuates the meaning of new discovery and their rewarding nature to individuals. Analysis in this paragraph is good, but I'm not feeling the concept is sustained. Your conclusion and intro sentences, for example, don't quite sync up as nicely as possible. Ensure that your concept is sustained the whole way through the paragraph!
Similarly, violin man (VM) descends into the protagonist's, Oscar, intrinsic fire to experience new discoveries, through the use of red boat. The first sentence in your paragraph should be conceptual; try to keep it as far away from text specifics as possible. "This concept is shown in the text," is as far as you go. The boat serves as a motif for the enduring journey that Oscar undertook to rediscover his identity and values that have been lost through his emotional demise. This is symbolic through the large sized castle juxtaposed to Oscars small home. Like Newton, Oscar does not endorse in society's need for power and fame, instead is driven by his cathartic need. The use of yellow, corresponds to his rediscovery of his purpose and values in life, and symbolises the mental clarity, strength and euphoria gained. Good analysis, but try to bring the audience into your response a little bit! What do WE learn about discovery. Both newton and Oscar share a physical affiliation, where they are driven by an innate need, however each journey is distinct in their purposes, where Newton seeks intellectual discovery whilst Oscar yearns for the rediscovery of his values and purpose in life. Make sure your paragraphs are concluded properly. "Thus, the audience realises ________," or, "Thus, the composer shows us ________," are some ideas.
Moreover, Charles Darwin in ASHONE serves as an epitome of mankind as his experience of discovering new worlds and knowledge is hindered by society. Through dialogue 'you are a disgrace to yourself and to your family' induces pathos for Darwin for he is subjected to scrutiny and criticism for his new and profound discovery of a theory. The responders gain insight that though discoveries can be liberating and rewarding, they can be negative. I love that you are frequently tying in the responder; this particularly was great analysis! Oscar in 'VM' juxtaposes to Darwin where Thompson, uses the colour Crimson to elucidate the intrinsic fuel present in individuals. The Crimson symbolises Oscars endurance and passion to explore and examine his discovery, lacking in Darwin. Unfortunately, unlike Oscar, Darwin is forced to 'lock away his notes for the next forty years'. The high modality word "lock" encapsulates Darwins deprivation of his discovery, obstructing renewed and enriched insights of himself to prosper. The responders realise that Darwins return to his notes will be a rediscovery of concealed knowledge but would not hold the same significance as to his first experiences. Therefore, based on societal acceptance of ones discovery for the first time, an individual can be suppressed from experiencing the bounties that come with discovery. Effective paragraph!
At times, an individual's attitude and choices will determine and impact ones experience of new discoveries accentuated through Albert Einstein in "ASHONE". Slight expression issue there. I'd split that sentence in two! Set up the concept first, and THEN link to a text, this ensures a conceptual focus. This is metaphorically highlighted through Einsteins experience of having a 'child out of wedlock'. The responders are induced with shock at this new knowledge, as it deconstructs the assumptions that scientists are emotionally devoid. Again, good ties to the responder, but how does this specifically relates to individual attitudes and choices? Bryson uses truncated sentence 'never saw his child' to elucidate Einsteins choice to adhere to societal expectations and was thus restricted from experiencing the enlightening growth and awareness gained through parenthood. Like Darwin, Einstein was bounded by contextual influences, limiting his discovering new worlds.
Similarly, Thompson accentuates the loss of a child, an allegorical representation of his own experience. Placed in the centre, Oscar is submerged in darkness, symbolising his inner turmoil and inner isolation. This is a rediscovery for the Thompson, as he rediscovers his concealed memories of his own experiences. This worldview can be inferred to that of Einsteins experiences, for the loss of a child can not be forgotten. Therefore, both Oscar and Einstein are similar as they are subjected to the same obstacle of life-death but unlike Einstein, Oscar does not fear expressing his new experience of distraught emotion.
The incremental process of discovery that involves both new discovery and rediscovery is represented in ASHONE. Bryson places a timeline at the forefront of his text, to exemplify the presence of time and the dynamic experience of discovery. This is what I need! Analysis that is completely independent of plot detail, and purely communicates a concept. Excellent! The diagrams accompanying the timeline grow in complexity, mirroring the individuals own growth as they contemplate on forgotten moments of history that mark moments of humankind's demise and revival. The responders engage with this timeline, as it emphasises the need to rediscover those experiences that have been suppressed, lost and forgotten for they withhold the lessons that enriches an individual's understanding of life and the world. Hence, the timeline serves as an implicit reminder to contemplate on ones discoveries for it allows the individual to escape the parameters of ignorance. This is a VERY effective paragraph. Why? Because it is not text/plot focused, purely conceptual, great analysis here!
In essence, the process of discovery involves that of discovering something for the first time or rediscovering. The texts ASHONE and VM divulge into the experiences of real life individuals to reflect on the bounties gained through these discoveries and the negative scopes. Unfortunately, due to societal expectations and values, an individual can be hindered from exploring their own discoveries while ones attitude will determines ones outlook to their discovery. However, Bryson and Thompson communicate that an individual should contemplate on their discoveries, particularly those forgotten, concealed and lost, for they withhold the greatest opportunities of self growth, self renewal and meaning. Effective conclusion!
This is a really cool essay Cinnamon Tea!! Intro and conclusion I particularly love, they tick all the boxes. They are simple, but so so effective, no waffle straight to the point. Fantastic! Great links to the responder throughout the response which is fantastic and makes me care about what I'm reading, lots of textual references, and frequent accentuation of Discovery concepts. Excellent work with all of this! ;D
I would suggest two main improvements to this work. The first is structure; the paragraph structure of this essay is a little confusing (perhaps I put the breaks in the wrong spots, but even if not, it should be obvious where they should go, and it isn't here). Your AoS essay should be intro and conclusion (tick) that are very similar. Then between them, distinct body paragraphs which each focus on something different. Each of these should have their own introduction and conclusion as well.
You do this really well at the start of your response, but it falls apart a bit towards the end. Work on having 3 or 4 distinct paragraphs of equal length, each introduced and concluded appropriately. Further, and this is important, ensure that the conceptual focus of each paragraph is maintained! In some parts of your essay, you say you'll talk about something in a paragraph, then it doesn't come through in a very strong way. Don't make me work to see the concept throughout the paragraph, make it beyond obvious, earn your marks!
So that's the first recommendation, structural adjustments to achieve better conceptual focus. The second change is in your analytical style, and it's pretty simple. Take a step back from the text. Much of your analysis is focused on plot details and characters, for example:
Newtons discovery of calculus, 'an entirely new form' elucidates the enriching contribution of Newton to the progress in both the worlds and his own intellectual odyssey.
Like Newton, Oscar does not endorse in society's need for power and fame, instead is driven by his cathartic need.
These sorts of comments are great, but you can improve them by taking a step away. Really, as a marker, I care about what the composer does to convey meaning in a general sense. So, what techniques are used to convey meaning about, say, the negative nature of discoveries? This does NOT require characters, in fact, you COULD you through the whole essay without mentioning any characters.
This has two implications for your writing. One, ensure all techniques are attributed to the composer, the characters are just puppets. Two, you don't have to reference the characters and plot to make your point, the most powerful points will be made based on the technique by itself like you did in that last paragraph.
I hope this feedback helps! Feel free to clarify anything that doesn't make sense, thanks again for posting! ;D
Post by: CinnamonTea on July 17, 2016, 10:26:02 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 11:11:29 pm
Thankyou for marking my essay. I've been anxious about it the whole day :) If I were to put your feedback into action, and improve my essay, would it be a band 6 potential?
Happy to do it!! Being honest (and I try to be), it is not Band 6 level right now. But that's cool, because yes absolutely you can get it there!! Fixing the structure will do a lot for the clarity of your ideas, and if you then get the analysis out of the park, then yep, I think you definitely have Band 6 potential! You can always get something into Band 6 range with the right attitude and solid work ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 11:27:59 pm
Hi guys!!! These are my topic sentences ^^^ I was hoping if someone could please help me make the related text topic sentences a bit more sophisticated such that it links with the corresponding core text topic sentence!! Thank you so much…. I can’t seem to think of any way to do so!
Hey there!! Absolutely, I'd be happy to help.
Let's start with the first
Human arrogance can hinder one’s ability to make pertinent discoveries. As a result, individuals retain an insular frame of reference where variation and understanding of choice is severely limited.
Love this as a concept btw ;) okay, so you have at the moment:
Likewise, unanticipated discoveries that emanate from one’s receptive nature leads to an understanding life’s possibilities and symbiotically offers an individual a renewed perception of themselves and the world around them.
The first thing I notice is that you are now wanting to discuss the opposite concept; being open to new discoveries. Thus, I wouldn't use the word likewise, I'd use something like "on the other hand," or "contrastingly," something that indicates a change in focus!
That said, that first word is what makes the link you need. From there, you approach it the exact same way as you did for the one above! There is no need to change what worked for the awesome sentences for the prescribed text! If you really want to hammer home the links, try recycling some word choices. Here is an attempt on my part:
It is when these notions of arrogance are subverted, however, that individuals are able to truly gain new understandings of themselves and the world around them. It is through assumption of the vulnerability that comes with shedding an insular frame of reference that unanticipated discoveries are enabled, and through these, a new understanding of life's possibilities.
Two sentences instead of one worked better for me there ;D
Note that I don't think what I've done is any better than what you've done. Just different. I think what you have right now is amazing as it is!! But if there is something you are looking for, some link you are missing in your mind, then maybe recycling words will make that link stronger?
To be honest, I think what you have right now is awesome. If you have any new ideas after reading this, I am super glad, but I think that even as they are your topic sentences are fantastic ;D ;D ;D
Post by: zatos99 on July 18, 2016, 07:54:30 pm
Can you please check my essay please! My trials start on Wednesday and English paper 1 is first up.
Thanks!
P.S. Was using your tips from the study day at UTS last Monday, very helpful as they were in my words, not some teacher's!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 18, 2016, 10:23:11 pm
Hi Elysepopplewell,
Can you please check my essay please! My trials start on Wednesday and English paper 1 is first up.
Thanks!
P.S. Was using your tips from the study day at UTS last Monday, very helpful as they were in my words, not some teacher's!
Hey there zatos99! Welcome to the forums!! ;D
We'd love to give your essay a mark. Unfortunately, you need 5 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked!! 5 posts for 1 essay, 50 posts for 10 essays, etc etc ;D this is to ensure that the marking services remain attainable for the markers and useful for the active members of the ATAR Notes community. The full rules are at the link in my signature below ;D
Once you hit that 5 post count, we'll definitely mark your essay!! Just come back and let us know :) you can build up your post count by asking questions, answering questions, or just in general being around: You may want to say hey on our chit chat thread!
Best of luck for your upcoming trials! I am sure you'll smash it ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2016, 10:48:56 am
helloooo ! this will be the last time ill be posting this, but would you be able to see if this is any better then the previous please !
Hey Tahmina! Thanks for posting your essay, but you need a few more posts to qualify! You need to hit 35, I'll definitely mark it today if you can get there?
I am so sorry I didn't pick this up earlier, I normally try to let people know if they haven't met requirements as soon as they post, but I missed this one! :-[ sorry!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2016, 11:31:41 am
Hey, this is my discovery essay!! Just need a second opinion, my teacher gives very vague comments, like "expand", "too vague" or "be more concise in this section" (referring to the entire 1st paragraph).
THANK YOU!!
Also, I am doing the English Adv. course - not sure if that means the essay is different though.
Hey there!! I am happy to give a second opinion on it, it is attached with comments throughout in bold! ;D
Spoiler
How do discoveries and discovering offer new understandings of ourselves and others?
The act of discovery is a powerful tool for individuals to gain a deeper understanding of their innate humanity and that of others. I'd like an amplification here, just a little more depth, perhaps about the benefits of this, or challenges to these discoveries? Just something more. Within the texts, ‘Barn Owl’, a poem by Gwen Harwood, and the play The Tempest by William Shakespeare, the concept of personal discovery is explored. In ‘Barn Owl’, the unnamed narrator, a young child, experiences the reality of death: a discovery that ultimately leads him towards an understanding of his power as a human being and the responsibility associated with it. In The Tempest, Caliban and Prospero also convey these aspects of discovery. Caliban has come to the realization of his betrayal by Prospero, having learnt of Prospero’s perception of him as sub-human, bestial. You don't necessarily need to go over the plot in these sentences, just change the wording a bit (see next comment). Prospero comes to discover his innate magnanimity as the play progresses. All three personas experience the transformative effects of emotional discoveries on their understanding of themselves and others. Try to shift the wording of the latter half of this Thesis to what the AUDIENCE learns about discovery, rather than just what the characters learn.
In Harwood’s ‘Barn Owl’, the unnamed persona discovers the reality of death after killing an owl. Be careful that your introductory sentence sets up a concept that you will discuss, you sort of do this here, but it is based on retell! The reader sees that this event leads to shift towards a more mature understanding of life and death by discovering the reality of death. Something similar to this sentence should have been FIRST, then bring the text in later. The child is shocked at how the owl’s bloodied corpse “dropped, and dribbled” in the dank barn, “tangled in bowels”. Retell. This differs from their previous understanding that “death (is) clean and final.” The contrast between “clean” death and its messy reality, highlighted by the power of these obscene words, “dribbled”, “tangled in bowels”, conveys the child’s shift in understanding – Harwood contrasts the naivety of “clean” with the grotesque description of the wretched owl. Techniques in this analytical section? The significance of this child’s discovery is conveyed by the motif of the blind owl, with” “eyes that did not see, … day-light riddled [and] … blank,” the owl “hopped blindly”. This emphasizes the vulnerability and innocence of the owl and shows the childish ignorance that led the boy to carry out his regrettable act. But what does this show the audience about the reality of death? Finally, Harwood reflects the owl’s emotions in the boy: “I leaned upon my father’s arm, and wept, owl blind in the early sun.” The child’s internalization of the owl’s pain and helplessness heightens the perceived emotional toll of his discovery, highlighting the significance of discovery in creating awareness and new understandings of one’s self qualities; it gives the sense, through this detailed recount of this event, the narrator of the poem reflecting on their experience, that the barn shooting will linger on the child’s conscience. You were ALMOST there here, you needed to mention the audience once and you would have had it! Harwood’s choice of first-person narrative voice encourages the reader to have a more intimate interaction with the adult narrator, who reflects on this pivotal event from a mature and self-aware perspective. Good. Harwood uses the words “law” and “punish”, conveying the child’s naïve sense of power; but juxtaposing “law” with “beak and claw”, creates a nursery rhyme nature, emphasizing the simplicity of the child’s previous understanding of death and his petty power over the owl. Thus, the audience learns _______. In this poem, the frailty of life and death is discovered in one short moment, by a young child, as they gain an insight into their innate humanity. This child forms a new understanding of their power and how abusing this power causes emotional torment. Your conclusion should always match closely to the intro (nature of death), and link it to your main idea. Although you sustain the theme throughout, you haven't really linked it closely to Discovery in your intro or conclusion.
Conversely, in Shakespeare’s The Tempest, Caliban discovers and endures exploitation by Prospero. Retell. This reflects Shakespeare’s context: the exploitation and enslavement of natives by European colonisers of the ‘New World’. Good contextual link. At the time of the playwright, this play would have shed light on the issue of slavery of native people and perhaps led to new understandings of the cruelty and the inhumanity that was directed towards these people by the audience being able to empathise with Caliban. THAT should have been your first sentence (in some form). Prospero thought Caliban was “hag-born – not honoured with a human figure” and locked him away as a slave. Retell: Technique? Shakespeare’s phrasing of being “honoured with a human figure” highlights the supremative view that Prospero, who represents European settlers have of themselves as Europeans over the ‘bestial’ natives. Technique? Prospero’s dehumanising description of Caliban is subtly challenged by Shakespeare’s gift to Caliban of eloquent verse: “I loved thee and showed the all the qualities o’th’isle.” Retell, you need to link this stuff to the concept of exploitation directly, what does the audience learn? This technique initiates the shift in the audience’s perception of Caliban. Caliban’s misplacement of trust evokes anger within him, reflected by his threatening and foul language directed towards Prospero: “A south-west blow on ye and blister you all over.” But what is our perception of the CONCEPT now? This experience of Caliban mimics the reality for many indigenous people in the colonial world, where Shakespeare identifies the suffering that colonialists caused to the natives. The island setting is a microcosm of colonial society, simulating the oppressive enslavement of such natives as Caliban, who was deemed “poisonous slave, got by the devil himself.” This reference to Satan and of Caliban as “poisonous” would have conformed with the opinions of a Jacobean audience, but a post-colonial audience can see the injustice of this dehumanisation, contributing to the timeless significance of the play. Good. The audience is confronted by this somewhat controversial message of the play and by discovering the truth of the treatment of indigenous people, are prompted to rediscover an opinion on colonialism. Again, be sure your conclusion and introduction line up, and they should both be very conceptual (this is much better than the first, however).
On the other hand, Prospero’s emotional transformation as a result of his personal discovery is enlightening and restorational. At the beginning of The Tempest, he informs Miranda that he seeks revenge for the treachery of his brother, “the ivy which had hid my princely trunk, and sucked my verdure out on’t.” Retell. Shakespeare’s metaphor compares Antonio to a parasitical plant that drew the life from Prospero, a “princely trunk”, identifying Prospero’s bitterness and anger towards Antonio, how he solely blames Antonio for his usurpation. Thus, the audience realises _______ about restorational discoveries. However, by the end of the play, Prospero understands himself as a person and his own responsibility for his usurpation. Retell. In eloquent and poetic verse, Prospero declares his renewed nobility in Act Five: “the rarer action”, being the nobler course, “is in virtue, than in vengeance.” Retell. The alliterative juxtaposition of “virtue” and “vengeance” emphasizes the graceful antithesis of these two human characteristics, foregrounding his rejection of revenge and his embrace of balanced Renaissance virtue. This is better analysis, but you need to step it away from the text: Don't make it character specific, just say this generally! Prospero matures throughout the play, as does the child in ‘Barn Owl’, conveying the universally transformative effects of discovery on human perspectives, improving understandings of ourselves and others. Good textual link. Through his aristocratic tone and biblical diction in the final act, “penitent”, Shakespeare shows that Prospero has reached a new level of human compassion; it also highlights his return to Christian values and humanistic virtues, which he had replaced with anger and bitterness for all his years on the island. His statement that his “nobler reason” has risen “gainst [his[ fury” foregrounds his renewed perception of himself as a man of magnanimity as rational thinking was believed by Renaissance humanists to be the highest ranking faculty in the human body and that it should control the sometimes unruly passions. Hence Prospero’s discovery of his nobility aligns with the idea that discovery can create new understandings of ourselves, in particular our human qualities.
Although the mechanism of discovery id different in each text, they both reflect the idea that by the act of discovery, new understandings and perceptions of ourselves and others can be created or even renewed. Misused power, treachery and victimization, all universal themes, are explored in The Tempest and Harwoods, ‘Barn Owl’ Have you explored those themes in your response explicitly?
The act of discovery is a powerful tool for individuals to gain a deeper understanding of their innate humanity and that of others. I'd like an amplification here, just a little more depth, perhaps about the benefits of this, or challenges to these discoveries? Just something more. Within the texts, ‘Barn Owl’, a poem by Gwen Harwood, and the play The Tempest by William Shakespeare, the concept of personal discovery is explored. In ‘Barn Owl’, the unnamed narrator, a young child, experiences the reality of death: a discovery that ultimately leads him towards an understanding of his power as a human being and the responsibility associated with it. In The Tempest, Caliban and Prospero also convey these aspects of discovery. Caliban has come to the realization of his betrayal by Prospero, having learnt of Prospero’s perception of him as sub-human, bestial. You don't necessarily need to go over the plot in these sentences, just change the wording a bit (see next comment). Prospero comes to discover his innate magnanimity as the play progresses. All three personas experience the transformative effects of emotional discoveries on their understanding of themselves and others. Try to shift the wording of the latter half of this Thesis to what the AUDIENCE learns about discovery, rather than just what the characters learn.
In Harwood’s ‘Barn Owl’, the unnamed persona discovers the reality of death after killing an owl. Be careful that your introductory sentence sets up a concept that you will discuss, you sort of do this here, but it is based on retell! The reader sees that this event leads to shift towards a more mature understanding of life and death by discovering the reality of death. Something similar to this sentence should have been FIRST, then bring the text in later. The child is shocked at how the owl’s bloodied corpse “dropped, and dribbled” in the dank barn, “tangled in bowels”. Retell. This differs from their previous understanding that “death (is) clean and final.” The contrast between “clean” death and its messy reality, highlighted by the power of these obscene words, “dribbled”, “tangled in bowels”, conveys the child’s shift in understanding – Harwood contrasts the naivety of “clean” with the grotesque description of the wretched owl. Techniques in this analytical section? The significance of this child’s discovery is conveyed by the motif of the blind owl, with” “eyes that did not see, … day-light riddled [and] … blank,” the owl “hopped blindly”. This emphasizes the vulnerability and innocence of the owl and shows the childish ignorance that led the boy to carry out his regrettable act. But what does this show the audience about the reality of death? Finally, Harwood reflects the owl’s emotions in the boy: “I leaned upon my father’s arm, and wept, owl blind in the early sun.” The child’s internalization of the owl’s pain and helplessness heightens the perceived emotional toll of his discovery, highlighting the significance of discovery in creating awareness and new understandings of one’s self qualities; it gives the sense, through this detailed recount of this event, the narrator of the poem reflecting on their experience, that the barn shooting will linger on the child’s conscience. You were ALMOST there here, you needed to mention the audience once and you would have had it! Harwood’s choice of first-person narrative voice encourages the reader to have a more intimate interaction with the adult narrator, who reflects on this pivotal event from a mature and self-aware perspective. Good. Harwood uses the words “law” and “punish”, conveying the child’s naïve sense of power; but juxtaposing “law” with “beak and claw”, creates a nursery rhyme nature, emphasizing the simplicity of the child’s previous understanding of death and his petty power over the owl. Thus, the audience learns _______. In this poem, the frailty of life and death is discovered in one short moment, by a young child, as they gain an insight into their innate humanity. This child forms a new understanding of their power and how abusing this power causes emotional torment. Your conclusion should always match closely to the intro (nature of death), and link it to your main idea. Although you sustain the theme throughout, you haven't really linked it closely to Discovery in your intro or conclusion.
Conversely, in Shakespeare’s The Tempest, Caliban discovers and endures exploitation by Prospero. Retell. This reflects Shakespeare’s context: the exploitation and enslavement of natives by European colonisers of the ‘New World’. Good contextual link. At the time of the playwright, this play would have shed light on the issue of slavery of native people and perhaps led to new understandings of the cruelty and the inhumanity that was directed towards these people by the audience being able to empathise with Caliban. THAT should have been your first sentence (in some form). Prospero thought Caliban was “hag-born – not honoured with a human figure” and locked him away as a slave. Retell: Technique? Shakespeare’s phrasing of being “honoured with a human figure” highlights the supremative view that Prospero, who represents European settlers have of themselves as Europeans over the ‘bestial’ natives. Technique? Prospero’s dehumanising description of Caliban is subtly challenged by Shakespeare’s gift to Caliban of eloquent verse: “I loved thee and showed the all the qualities o’th’isle.” Retell, you need to link this stuff to the concept of exploitation directly, what does the audience learn? This technique initiates the shift in the audience’s perception of Caliban. Caliban’s misplacement of trust evokes anger within him, reflected by his threatening and foul language directed towards Prospero: “A south-west blow on ye and blister you all over.” But what is our perception of the CONCEPT now? This experience of Caliban mimics the reality for many indigenous people in the colonial world, where Shakespeare identifies the suffering that colonialists caused to the natives. The island setting is a microcosm of colonial society, simulating the oppressive enslavement of such natives as Caliban, who was deemed “poisonous slave, got by the devil himself.” This reference to Satan and of Caliban as “poisonous” would have conformed with the opinions of a Jacobean audience, but a post-colonial audience can see the injustice of this dehumanisation, contributing to the timeless significance of the play. Good. The audience is confronted by this somewhat controversial message of the play and by discovering the truth of the treatment of indigenous people, are prompted to rediscover an opinion on colonialism. Again, be sure your conclusion and introduction line up, and they should both be very conceptual (this is much better than the first, however).
On the other hand, Prospero’s emotional transformation as a result of his personal discovery is enlightening and restorational. At the beginning of The Tempest, he informs Miranda that he seeks revenge for the treachery of his brother, “the ivy which had hid my princely trunk, and sucked my verdure out on’t.” Retell. Shakespeare’s metaphor compares Antonio to a parasitical plant that drew the life from Prospero, a “princely trunk”, identifying Prospero’s bitterness and anger towards Antonio, how he solely blames Antonio for his usurpation. Thus, the audience realises _______ about restorational discoveries. However, by the end of the play, Prospero understands himself as a person and his own responsibility for his usurpation. Retell. In eloquent and poetic verse, Prospero declares his renewed nobility in Act Five: “the rarer action”, being the nobler course, “is in virtue, than in vengeance.” Retell. The alliterative juxtaposition of “virtue” and “vengeance” emphasizes the graceful antithesis of these two human characteristics, foregrounding his rejection of revenge and his embrace of balanced Renaissance virtue. This is better analysis, but you need to step it away from the text: Don't make it character specific, just say this generally! Prospero matures throughout the play, as does the child in ‘Barn Owl’, conveying the universally transformative effects of discovery on human perspectives, improving understandings of ourselves and others. Good textual link. Through his aristocratic tone and biblical diction in the final act, “penitent”, Shakespeare shows that Prospero has reached a new level of human compassion; it also highlights his return to Christian values and humanistic virtues, which he had replaced with anger and bitterness for all his years on the island. His statement that his “nobler reason” has risen “gainst [his[ fury” foregrounds his renewed perception of himself as a man of magnanimity as rational thinking was believed by Renaissance humanists to be the highest ranking faculty in the human body and that it should control the sometimes unruly passions. Hence Prospero’s discovery of his nobility aligns with the idea that discovery can create new understandings of ourselves, in particular our human qualities.
Although the mechanism of discovery id different in each text, they both reflect the idea that by the act of discovery, new understandings and perceptions of ourselves and others can be created or even renewed. Misused power, treachery and victimization, all universal themes, are explored in The Tempest and Harwoods, ‘Barn Owl’ Have you explored those themes in your response explicitly?
So before I do anything, I'm guessing that what your teacher means for the 1st paragraph (in my opinion) is that you are retelling. There is a lot of unnecessary detail where you explain what happened in the text, and then explain why that links to your concept. This isn't efficient. Instead, just say how the concept comes through with TECHNIQUES, the plot details are actually completely irrelevant.
PS - Can't stand vague feedback ;)
Removing retell would be my biggest piece of feedback for this essay. A substantial amount of your response is spent telling the marker what happens in the text, occasionally with a technique, and occasionally linking to a concept. However, you must remember that the marker has read your text (and you assume the same for the ORT)! All the words you expend on detailed plot description are completely inefficient.
My challenge to you is to take a step away from the text. Don't tell me how what happens in the text is representative of Discovery. Instead, tell me how the composer has used techniques to portray Discovery concepts to the audience. The key to this is composer and audience; that is the important relationship you need to focus on. The text is kind of like the messenger; the composer wants communicate a message about Discovery and the text lets them do this.
The techniques are also important, you must make sure that every quote has an associated technique. This is because your job is to show what choices the composer has made to communicate properly with the audience. Every quote needs a technique, virtually no exceptions!! Pick the lines in your text that show a deliberate attempt by the composer to represent an idea, or connect to the audience. You did this in isolated areas, but your job is to be consistent! ;D
Your sentences could look like this:
The composers use of TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," effectively represents BLAH, as the audience realises BLAH BLAH BLAH."
No mention of plot, no mention of characters (unless necessary), just technique and effect :)
Beyond this I'd also like to see a more consistent conceptual focus. Start your paragraphs with a concept
A very simple example: "Discoveries can be beneficial. This is shown in Shakespeare's The Tempest."
Like, this is way too simple, but that's the idea. Concept first, text second. Also be sure that your introduction and conclusion both match, and further, that they both link to your big Thesis up the top and/or to the question you are asked.
This essay has some great foundations; excellent textual knowledge and great conceptual ideas. But I'm looking to adjust how you portray those ideas. Have a read, let me know if anything is unclear, I hope this helps! ;D
Post by: ehatton2016 on July 19, 2016, 09:25:23 pm
I love how helpful and enthusiastic you guys are! I genuinely think you are out there to help us, sometimes I don't get that vibe from teachers but yeh, love/hate relationship with teachers I guess ahah!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2016, 09:32:34 pm
Thank you soo much for marking my essay!!!
I love how helpful and enthusiastic you guys are! I genuinely think you are out there to help us, sometimes I don't get that vibe from teachers but yeh, love/hate relationship with teachers I guess ahah!
Thank you! And you are welcome! So happy to help ;D
Teachers have it tough, they are in a bit of a unique profession where most of their clients actually don't want to do business with them. That's very unique!
I totally understand teachers who might not give off the "helpful vibe." It happens, you are in a profession where a lot of students are dragged along by their shoelaces, and if you aren't shown the love, you won't give it. Add to that now ridiculous amounts of paperwork and I can empathise ;)
That said, every teacher (I believe) has that vibe at heart. If you break through enough, show them that you value them, then you will get it. Hopefully. And if you don't, you have a community here that loves helping others, that loves sharing knowledge and learning from our mistakes. We love helping you succeed, because when you do, we all do. Theres the old saying: A champion team will beat a team of champions. Every. Single. Time ;D
Post by: tahmina on July 22, 2016, 05:20:25 pm
Post by: tahmina on July 22, 2016, 05:30:34 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 23, 2016, 11:23:02 am
hey pals, I've resached the 35 post requirement, would i be able to get further feedback before i print this essay out please!
Hey again Tahmina! You certainly can ;D
Spoiler
It is difficult to experience a discovery without being transformed by its ramifications. The impact of discoveries, whatever aspect or shape they make take, will undoubtedly transform the discoverer and consequently the wider society around them. Australian playwright Michael Gow’s ‘Away’ and Joshua Weigel short film ‘The Butterfly Circus’ explore the transformative and revelatory nature of discovery. These texts explore the underlying nature of self-discovery, and how it has a transformative effect on individuals, ultimately leading to a greater depth of self-awareness and empathy towards members of the wider society. Great introduction! Nice and conceptual, you could add a list of the themes you will explore in the essay, but besides that not much too fault!
The transformative nature of self-discovery is demonstrated through the mending of physical relationships, through reconciliation and communication. In Gow’s play the negative word “hate” used so frequently by Gwen depicts angry nature at the start of the play, further implying to her unawareness of her own self at that time. Gow alerts the audience to Gwen’s assumptions about the wider society through the first person ‘I’ juxtaposed with the noun ‘people’. Excellent analytical approach here. Gow’s anaphoric and truncated sentence ‘it was money, it was bread, work’ emphasizes their harsh reality of their past, Gow effectively shows their transformative nature compared to their past, successfully enabling us to speculate about future possibilities. Excellent. Gow’s use of personal pronoun of ‘us’ in ‘for all of us’ reaffirms Gwen’s spiritual connection with her family, as Gow confidently evaluates their hidden emotions towards each other. You don't need both of those quotes, just use one, either will work by itself. This enables the audience to realise the importance of communication when re-discovering themselves to renew perceptions of others and themselves. Great link to greater concept. Gow’s effective use of irony through the negative connotation words such as ‘snide’ and ‘rude’ depicts Gwen’s behaviour, and lack of personal insight, highlighting the dangers of self-delusion and adherence to false values. The irony puts the audience in an uncomfortable place as they witness her rudeness to her daughter. This also allows us to see the process of challenges and curiosity which affect a person’s self-discovery. Thus it is clear Gows effective techniques explore the notion of relationships challenging and renewing perceptions of others and our selves. The only comment I'd have about this paragraph is maintaining your conceptual focus, I don't feel your introductory sentence follows through the rest (good example, your intro and conclusion don't match up).
Similar to chaos in life, many discoveries made by individuals are sudden and unexpected. This instigates the process of self-reflection and awareness in both texts. In Gows play ‘away’ the use of exaggeration in the negative connotation ‘burst’ in “my heads about to burst” is reminiscent of the first steps to Gwen’s self-discovery and re-discovering something that has been lost. Again, don't need both quotes. Gows explicitness through the negative connotation allows the audience to see the heartfelt emotions, which deepens the understanding of the concept of discovery. Be a bit more specific, what understanding do we gain? Through the end of the play, Gows use of soft alliteration in ‘come down to the water, the water is so warm’ conveys Gwen’s nurturing attitude towards her relationships. The symbolism of the water connects the motif of water towards her self-discovery, thus being reflective of cleansing and healing the soul. Good. Through this the audience is able to see the nature of unexpected discoveries and the distinguishing factors, which lead to a persons self-discovery. Similarly in the butterfly circus the visual imagery of the butterfly creates an illusion of the positive and spiritual change that renews Will’s perceptions of life. What does the audience learn? Weigel’s juxtaposed symbolism of long shot of the road suggests a journey to a new life. This effectively compels his inability to make physical change and to re discover his strengths. The change of lighting compelled on Will with the contrast of light to dark, reinforces the darkness in his life. We've shifted back too text focused here, what does the audience learn about the concept of unexpected discoveries? Weigel successfully conveys to the audience the positive internal change, rather than the external change to create hope in ones life. The frequent change in diegetic music becomes confronting when the community ‘mocks’ Will for his disability. Good audience inclusion. The close up shot of Mendez’s face is provocative as he is disgusted by the reaction of the community juxtaposed with the close up of Wills face evaluates the tangible nature of his heartfelt emotions. Slight expression issues. Mendez becomes a character that helps Will overcome his fears and to ‘follow his dreams’, the long shot of the circus gives a clear indication of Wills self-discovery leading to new worlds and values. Through the effectiveness of both composers techniques it is clear self-discovery is merely sudden and unexpected. A better job of maintaining your conceptual focus in this paragraph here, but still could be improved.
One’s discovery can vary according to the different personal and social contexts in which the individual is able to experience them. In ‘Away” the wilderness beach settings symbolizes the negative attitude and possessions being washed away, their isolation on the beach prompts introspection and questioning their previous relationships. Gows driven symbolism allows the audience to take on new experiences and perceptions, and explore new discoveries within themselves. The effective symbolism of the Fire, when there all near a fire camp depicts a new start as there past has been washed away. This enhances the audiences understanding of the ramifications and that change is a progress, which leads to new discoveries. Gows symbolism of ‘Burnt” acknowledges their renewal perceptions of themselves and others.I'd like some more techniques in that first part of the paragraph, all you had was symbolism, variety is important! Similarly in ‘The butterfly Circus’ Weigel’s flashback establishes each characters personal discovery and their inability of transforming being washed away. Thus effectively portrays their transformative self-nature compared to there past. What does the audience learn in general? The symbolism of the water represents the cleansing rebirth to wills transformation, effectively conveying the physical and emotional self-discovery he has accomplished. Weigel explicitly conveys meaning and heartfelt emotions through the voyage of the water to deepen the human understanding of physical discovery through challenges and reconciliation. Thus it is clear to re-discover yourself you are to challenge and affirm your human experiences in order to transform. A bit more audience involvement would benefit this paragraph, but a good conceptual focus.
Discovery can encompass the experience of discovering something, which will impact themselves and the wider society. Through the authentic techniques used by both director and playwright highlights the human nature of reality and the ramifications, which differ from different perspectives. They underline the notion of discovery to stimulate a profound response upon the audience whilst portraying the notion of ramifications. Nice conclusion, succinct but effective.
The transformative nature of self-discovery is demonstrated through the mending of physical relationships, through reconciliation and communication. In Gow’s play the negative word “hate” used so frequently by Gwen depicts angry nature at the start of the play, further implying to her unawareness of her own self at that time. Gow alerts the audience to Gwen’s assumptions about the wider society through the first person ‘I’ juxtaposed with the noun ‘people’. Excellent analytical approach here. Gow’s anaphoric and truncated sentence ‘it was money, it was bread, work’ emphasizes their harsh reality of their past, Gow effectively shows their transformative nature compared to their past, successfully enabling us to speculate about future possibilities. Excellent. Gow’s use of personal pronoun of ‘us’ in ‘for all of us’ reaffirms Gwen’s spiritual connection with her family, as Gow confidently evaluates their hidden emotions towards each other. You don't need both of those quotes, just use one, either will work by itself. This enables the audience to realise the importance of communication when re-discovering themselves to renew perceptions of others and themselves. Great link to greater concept. Gow’s effective use of irony through the negative connotation words such as ‘snide’ and ‘rude’ depicts Gwen’s behaviour, and lack of personal insight, highlighting the dangers of self-delusion and adherence to false values. The irony puts the audience in an uncomfortable place as they witness her rudeness to her daughter. This also allows us to see the process of challenges and curiosity which affect a person’s self-discovery. Thus it is clear Gows effective techniques explore the notion of relationships challenging and renewing perceptions of others and our selves. The only comment I'd have about this paragraph is maintaining your conceptual focus, I don't feel your introductory sentence follows through the rest (good example, your intro and conclusion don't match up).
Similar to chaos in life, many discoveries made by individuals are sudden and unexpected. This instigates the process of self-reflection and awareness in both texts. In Gows play ‘away’ the use of exaggeration in the negative connotation ‘burst’ in “my heads about to burst” is reminiscent of the first steps to Gwen’s self-discovery and re-discovering something that has been lost. Again, don't need both quotes. Gows explicitness through the negative connotation allows the audience to see the heartfelt emotions, which deepens the understanding of the concept of discovery. Be a bit more specific, what understanding do we gain? Through the end of the play, Gows use of soft alliteration in ‘come down to the water, the water is so warm’ conveys Gwen’s nurturing attitude towards her relationships. The symbolism of the water connects the motif of water towards her self-discovery, thus being reflective of cleansing and healing the soul. Good. Through this the audience is able to see the nature of unexpected discoveries and the distinguishing factors, which lead to a persons self-discovery. Similarly in the butterfly circus the visual imagery of the butterfly creates an illusion of the positive and spiritual change that renews Will’s perceptions of life. What does the audience learn? Weigel’s juxtaposed symbolism of long shot of the road suggests a journey to a new life. This effectively compels his inability to make physical change and to re discover his strengths. The change of lighting compelled on Will with the contrast of light to dark, reinforces the darkness in his life. We've shifted back too text focused here, what does the audience learn about the concept of unexpected discoveries? Weigel successfully conveys to the audience the positive internal change, rather than the external change to create hope in ones life. The frequent change in diegetic music becomes confronting when the community ‘mocks’ Will for his disability. Good audience inclusion. The close up shot of Mendez’s face is provocative as he is disgusted by the reaction of the community juxtaposed with the close up of Wills face evaluates the tangible nature of his heartfelt emotions. Slight expression issues. Mendez becomes a character that helps Will overcome his fears and to ‘follow his dreams’, the long shot of the circus gives a clear indication of Wills self-discovery leading to new worlds and values. Through the effectiveness of both composers techniques it is clear self-discovery is merely sudden and unexpected. A better job of maintaining your conceptual focus in this paragraph here, but still could be improved.
One’s discovery can vary according to the different personal and social contexts in which the individual is able to experience them. In ‘Away” the wilderness beach settings symbolizes the negative attitude and possessions being washed away, their isolation on the beach prompts introspection and questioning their previous relationships. Gows driven symbolism allows the audience to take on new experiences and perceptions, and explore new discoveries within themselves. The effective symbolism of the Fire, when there all near a fire camp depicts a new start as there past has been washed away. This enhances the audiences understanding of the ramifications and that change is a progress, which leads to new discoveries. Gows symbolism of ‘Burnt” acknowledges their renewal perceptions of themselves and others.I'd like some more techniques in that first part of the paragraph, all you had was symbolism, variety is important! Similarly in ‘The butterfly Circus’ Weigel’s flashback establishes each characters personal discovery and their inability of transforming being washed away. Thus effectively portrays their transformative self-nature compared to there past. What does the audience learn in general? The symbolism of the water represents the cleansing rebirth to wills transformation, effectively conveying the physical and emotional self-discovery he has accomplished. Weigel explicitly conveys meaning and heartfelt emotions through the voyage of the water to deepen the human understanding of physical discovery through challenges and reconciliation. Thus it is clear to re-discover yourself you are to challenge and affirm your human experiences in order to transform. A bit more audience involvement would benefit this paragraph, but a good conceptual focus.
Discovery can encompass the experience of discovering something, which will impact themselves and the wider society. Through the authentic techniques used by both director and playwright highlights the human nature of reality and the ramifications, which differ from different perspectives. They underline the notion of discovery to stimulate a profound response upon the audience whilst portraying the notion of ramifications. Nice conclusion, succinct but effective.
Not too many comments Tahmina, this essay is great!! Great structure and excellent textual knowledge on show. A very analytical approach (no retell), with excellent explanations of the intent of that technique. I'd like to see a few polishes; more variety in techniques and a bit more thought given to consider the impact of the audience more consistently, but on the whole you do this really well.
The other thing I'd mention: The first sentence in your paragraph is like a contract. It is saying to the marker, you WILL discuss this thing(s), and consider them throughout the paragraph. In the first and second paragraph you don't quite fulfil this contract, you go a little off track from what you initially state. In the first paragraph this is most obvious, because your conclusion and intro don't match. Ensure that the paragraph ends on the same note/theme that it started, it shows that you've not gone off track.
A few little comments throughout, but on the whole, this is a great response Tahmina, good on you for working so hard to improve it!! ;D ;D ;D
Post by: Alalamc on July 23, 2016, 04:57:24 pm
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Discovery varies with historical, cultural and social contexts; however it is nevertheless educed through one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances. Anglo-American author; Bill Bryson’s scientific memoir; A Short History of Nearly Everything ASHONE and Malala Yousafzai’s outspoken autobiography I Am Malala IAM divulges in the provocative and confronting impacts of discovery, which affirm and further challenge individual and social beliefs through world innovations. Such innovations are disinterred through culture, modernity and renewed social and behavioural contexts.
The rejuvenation of cultural tradition holds vast ideological changes which yield enriching future possibilities. ASHONE accentuates American scientific culture as a medium in which discoveries are both supressed and stimulated in regard to religious controversy. Sparking uncomfortable cultural implications, Bryson’s intertextual representation of American Palaeontologist’s George Cuvier’s formal theory of extinctions is a metaphorical means of ‘provocative new world findings’ prompting confronting ‘ideological wonder’ in contemporary society. Such findings “heightened moral awkwardness regarding extinctions… contrary to the Great Chain of Being”. The scientific satire and absurdist play between the juxtaposition of religion and conflicting scientific progress challenges whether a significant discovery is one that defies pre-determined tradition or the ability to risk beneficial new concepts, instead enhancing the known. Subjectively through the robust application of realism, Bryson posits ‘todays powerhouse’; America’s decision of religion over ‘scientific elevation’, idiomatically as a ‘chance…wasted’. _____________ (CRITICAL QUOTE) ___________. Thus cultural context acts as a lens through which one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances affirm or challenge the acceptance of progressive world innovations.
Similarly, Yousafzai proffer’s the beneficial implementation of western commercialism in regards to cultural stigmas associated with education in Pakistan. IAM publically focalises the essential role, purpose and functional power of education, intellectually, over traditional values of Swat, positing the confronting necessity for the ‘threatening application of propitious western principles’. Such paradoxical values inferred through hyperbole deem traditional society’s provocative recognition of ‘western revelations’ figuratively as ‘inauspicious and threatening’. Aiming to portray that intellectual discovery encompasses the collective contribution of society, Yousafzai emotively represents the contributions of her father; Ziauddin and his politics as a way of effectuating power to benefit the ‘hierarchical position of women within Swat’. Ziauddin’s accumulation of diplomatic power is in response to fight for a progressing intellectual revolution, one which caters beneficial modern directions that tradition has overlooked. Ultimately making public, the discovery of the importance of education in shaping ones status and personal value, Ziauddin metaphorically eludes education as a cherishment, personifying educational concepts as a right to everyone, providing as an auxiliary to the purpose of IAM. ‘Education is education, it is neither western nor is it Eastern, it is human”. Through the semantic study of emotive language and contemporary tone, Yousafzai foreshadows the effects and necessity of intellectual discovery, enhancing ones perception to speculate on future possibilities and revelation that overcoming traditional values can deter. Hence Yousafzai represents the intellectual discovery of beneficial western culture; education, as a collective social contribution, one which brings revolutionary cultural change.
Societies social and behavioural motives influence the growth of human perception and in turn wonder. Bryson recounts such juxtaposed perspective of the Australian society, in particular the endeavours of modern Australian discover; Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. The application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, Bryson proffers Evan as an individual ‘proactively’ undertaking the ‘simplest pleasures of discovery’ regardless of societies ‘technological progression’. Moreover, Bryson utilises non-fiction scientific memoir to reflect the physical acts of discovery as a parallel for psychological and emotional joys of “old ways”. Moreover, the juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as a ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international representation’, substantiates ASHONE central context that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientists to keen amateur to local peasants’ and that it discovery is dependant rather on one ‘disconnections rather connections” with society that create meaningful personal discoveries. Conversely Bryson parodies the Australian 1936 social context and values as proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farcical representation not only develops pathos, but this level of tentative understanding of social development suggests social and political behaviour greatly influences the nature of knowledge and discovery.
Thus, the value of discovery is determinant on the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, which alters in society of the course of time; however, the discovery itself is shaped through wonder and necessity of wider circumstances. Such discoveries bring with them the affirmation and negation of personal or social beliefs through culture, modernity and the renewed context of society, to which ASHONE and IAM are a testament to.
Post by: Aliceyyy98 on July 23, 2016, 06:10:05 pm
going on from my other question about number of poems, can we discuss two in detail and mention the third to support main ideas?
Post by: jamie anderson on July 23, 2016, 10:45:13 pm
The confronting and provoking nature of discoveries shape the responder leading to acceptance and renewed values towards the issue. Within “Go Back To Where You Came From”, Raye is seen to accept the confronting reality of refugee’s and consequently accepting the reasons for why the go on a boat. She is seen reflecting on Dao’s words “ it certainly isn’t living” in Kakuma, where the producers play a montage with a voiceover of melodramatic music to help extend Raye’s reflection onto responders. Furthermore, the montage also consists of a series of images attempting to evoke sympathy and reason within both participants and audience. Thus, it is clear that Raye has underwent significant transformative change of character throughout the documentary, where emotional, spiritual and physical discovers have helped renew her perspective on the issue. Likewise, the producers use a close up shot to highlight Darren’s reflection on the issue, where “ Despite my harsh response.. I am emotionally affected, it has had a profound effect on me personally and spiritually” the close up shot reveals the finest nuances of expression, where Darren is portrayed to be in a deeply emotional state. Such that, Darren’s discoveries had confronted his opinions cause him to undergo an evolution of character illustrating his acceptance and renewed values. The participants renewed perspectives and values on the refugee crisis elucidates the confronting and provoking nature of discovery to generate new ideas about how we relate to the world.
AND
The process of discovery can be confronting and provocative leading to new perspectives. O’Mahoney’s “Go Back To Where You Came From (Episdode1)” introduces each participant through indirect interviews and cut scenes to reveal their own political/ideological stance on the issue of refugee migrants. Raye’s experiences within the documentary can be juxtaposed with her original perspective “serve you bastards right” versus her new perspective post Malaysian raid, where she doesn’t “call that criminal”. The use of close ups, action music and various camera angles help convey the confronting and provocative nature of discovery. The change in Raye’s perspective demonstrates the process of discovery and how confrontation alters her own opinion and offers a new perspectives. Furthermore, Adam is seen to undergo significant transformative change as a consequence of confronting and provocative discoveries. The planned journey in episode 1 reveals Adam’s opinion where “ we are spending millions of dollars housing these criminals” which is contrasted with his opinion in Episode 4 “ the people who touched me the most was the ASF Hospital”. The categorisation of refugees from criminals to people within his speech demonstrates the confronting and provocative nature of discovery. Through the use of high to low camera angles to capture the shift in Adam’s opinions, the documentary demonstrates the process of Adam’s change as his own ignorance of the issue is diminished through his confronting discoveries allowing for a new perspective. Thus, the process of discovery can be seen to confront and provoke responders and lead to new perspectives.
Thanks!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2016, 12:29:21 am
Hi, sorry for keep asking questions, I'm too good at English :(
going on from my other question about number of poems, can we discuss two in detail and mention the third to support main ideas?
Never say sorry for asking questions! That is what we are here for ;D
I think this is okay, but try not to make it too imbalanced :D like, give it at least a 40/40/20 split, something substantial so it doesn't feel too far out of place ;D and if you are doing this, make your references quality!! 8)
Post by: Aliceyyy98 on July 24, 2016, 02:15:25 pm
Could you please have a look at my AOS essay on Robert Frost poetry :) My trials is in a week so feedback on how to improve would be great!
Cheers!
Spoiler
Discoveries can often inspire revelation and reflection within an individual which facilitate renewed understandings of others and the world. This idea is portrayed extensively in Robert Frost’s poems, “The Tuft of Flowers”， “Stopping by woods on a snowy evening”(“Stopping by Woods”) and “After Apple-Picking”, and Matthew Thorne’s short film, “Where do Lilacs come from” (2014). Whilst Frost explores nature’s capacity to stimulate a reconsideration of preconceived knowledge and attitudes, Thorne presents the ability of memory to provoke a re-evaluation of an individual’s place in the world. However, both texts demonstrate that the process of introspection ultimately shapes perspectives and meaning, which may positively or negatively transform an individual.
The natural landscape enables reflection and contemplation through which meaningful discoveries can be made about the human experience. Frost explores this in “The Tuft of Flowers”, where the persona’s communion with nature provokes a newfound sense of connection and comfort. The poem opens with a tone of despondency: “I must be, as he had been – alone”. The caesura and high modality “must” emphasises the depth of the persona’s isolation. This moment of despair is interrupted by “But as I said it, swift there passed me by/On noiseless wing a bewildered butterfly”; the use of sibilance slows the pace down and creates a calm and euphonic sound. “but” suggests a sudden tonal shift from the persona’s initial scepticism to a more uplifted tone, which is reiterated by the deliberate choice of positively connoted words. This signifies the persona’s changing perceptions, which allows him to re-evaluate both himself and the world around him. The personification of the butterfly as “bewildered” mirrors the similarly bewildered persona as he reassesses his perspective on the solitary existence of humanity. The references to nature as a catalyst for discovery resonate strongly with elements of Romanticism, which Frost utilizes to demonstrate nature’s ability to empower and transform an individual. The persona’s renewed optimism further instigates him to discover a “tall tuft of flowers”, where the oxymoron of “tall” and typically short “tuft” reinforces both the random presence and the defiance of the flowers to survive in “the levelled scene”. This reflects the enduring strength and potential of human connection and relationships. The persona’s recognition of the spiritual connection between individuals is forming the cornerstone for his more profound understanding of human existence.
“Stopping by Woods” also examines the potential of nature to provide individuals with the opportunity to discover a sense of connection with their surroundings. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers”, the poem opens with a sense of isolation and solitude, “whose woods these are I think I know/his house is in the village though”. “Whose” and the third person pronoun “he” suggests the mysterious and uncertain identity of the owner of the woods, depicting the disconnection between the persona and him. The visual imagery “to watch his woods fill up with snow” then establishes a spiritual connection between the speaker and the natural landscape. The sibilance in “only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake” suggests the calm and comforting environment the persona finds himself in. “down” suggests softness and warmness which contrasts with the actuality of snow, suggesting that the snow seems to offer rest and ease. Reflections within nature can thus allow individuals to discover a newfound sense of connection.
In “Where do Lilacs come from”, an Alzheimer’s patient’s (Chris’s) rediscovery of past relationships with his wife and son empowers him to re-evaluate his perceptions and attitudes about his family. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”, where nature reawakens the persona’s appreciation of life and the human experience; Chris’s fractured memories challenge his dwindling perception of family and offer new means for him to examine others and the world. A panning shot of a flashback, where Chris and his wife are quarrelling, establishes their broken relationship. The stark contrast between light and shade in the characters’ positioning highlights the division between the two. Chris’s past disconnection is similar to the initial isolation of the personas in “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”. The camera jump cuts to the present and zooms onto Chris’s tense and contemplative facial expression as he ruminates on past experiences. The sudden silence further accentuates Chris’s epiphany as he realizes the importance of family to an individual. The use of warm colours and uplifting music composed by string instruments connotes positivity, suggesting that the memories of past events are leading Chris to ponder on and reconstruct his outlook on life, transforming his previous indifference into a newfound appreciation of family and relationships.
The process of discovery may also adversely transform an individual’s perspectives and understandings through their reflection on the harsh realities of life. Frost’s “After Apple-Picking” is set in a rural landscape and depicts the repetitive and dreary nature of picking apples, which is an allegory for life and its endeavours. The use of irregular rhyming scheme and variation in meter evoke a mood of hesitation and correspond with the persona’s uncertainty as he reconsiders the meaning and choices in life. The recurring motif of sleep such as “drowsing”, “dreaming”, “overtired” illustrates the unclear delineation between consciousness and dream-like state of the persona, suggesting that he exists in a liminal space of uncertainty and transition. This imagery of sleep as well as winter’s symbolism of finality and transience of life in “essence of winter sleep” are both allusions of death, which reiterates that the persona is losing passion in the work he does as he continues to reflect on his life journey. Furthermore, the repetition of “load” in “I feel the ladder sway…rumbling sound of load on load of apples”, emphasises the intensity of the burden work places on the persona and the overwhelming nature of responsibilities. The auditory imagery and onomatopoeia “rumbling” produces a discordant sound which is indicative of unease and reflects the persona’s bitter and weary perspective on life. Unlike the persona from “The Tuft of Flowers” who gains an appreciation of human connection, the persona from “After Apple-Picking” discovers the futility of the human existence through contemplating on the meaning in life, leading to a renewed understanding of oneself and others.
“Stopping by Woods” also exemplifies how discovery can provide unpleasant knowledge regarding the nature of the human existence. The sombre tone in “darkest evening of the year” demonstrates winter as a time of symbolic death. The harsh “but” in “but I have promises to keep” startles the reader from the reveries and musicality of previous alliteration of “d” and long vowel sounds in “lovely, dark and deep”. This emphasises that the persona has discovered that life is full of responsibilities; social obligations is forcing him out of self-indulgent thoughts. The repetition at the end of the poem “and miles to go before I sleep” adds a sonorous effect to how far he still has to go and “sleep” alludes to how tired he is. The persona’s momentary halt on his journey is a metaphor for life and highlights the importance of introspection and reflection, which can allows individuals to gain a heightened understanding of their place in the world, though the knowledge may be undesirable.
“Where do Lilacs come from” likewise explores an understanding of the impermanence of time and fragility of human existence, as Chris continues to pursue meaning through his memories. This is shown in a wide shot, where the crimson amorphous ink comes apart in slow motion. This gradual disintegration emphasises the fragility of relationships as well as the irreversibility of choices and decisions made in life. The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona. Moreover, the use of lilacs as a metaphor in the flashback, where Chris and his family are planting lilacs together, represents the cycle of life, which is suggestive of the permanent absence of youth and the inevitability of death. This scene is filmed with a handheld camera and the footage is small and shaky, further demonstrating the uncertainties and instabilities in life. Much like the persona from “After Apple-Picking”, Chris also discovers the uncertainty and fragility of human existence through introspection, which facilitates a wider understanding of the world he lives in.
Both Frost and Thorne delve into the capacity of the discovery process to initiate a revision of perspectives on the human experience. This is often triggered by introspection within oneself, leading to renewed perceptions of the world and its people.
The natural landscape enables reflection and contemplation through which meaningful discoveries can be made about the human experience. Frost explores this in “The Tuft of Flowers”, where the persona’s communion with nature provokes a newfound sense of connection and comfort. The poem opens with a tone of despondency: “I must be, as he had been – alone”. The caesura and high modality “must” emphasises the depth of the persona’s isolation. This moment of despair is interrupted by “But as I said it, swift there passed me by/On noiseless wing a bewildered butterfly”; the use of sibilance slows the pace down and creates a calm and euphonic sound. “but” suggests a sudden tonal shift from the persona’s initial scepticism to a more uplifted tone, which is reiterated by the deliberate choice of positively connoted words. This signifies the persona’s changing perceptions, which allows him to re-evaluate both himself and the world around him. The personification of the butterfly as “bewildered” mirrors the similarly bewildered persona as he reassesses his perspective on the solitary existence of humanity. The references to nature as a catalyst for discovery resonate strongly with elements of Romanticism, which Frost utilizes to demonstrate nature’s ability to empower and transform an individual. The persona’s renewed optimism further instigates him to discover a “tall tuft of flowers”, where the oxymoron of “tall” and typically short “tuft” reinforces both the random presence and the defiance of the flowers to survive in “the levelled scene”. This reflects the enduring strength and potential of human connection and relationships. The persona’s recognition of the spiritual connection between individuals is forming the cornerstone for his more profound understanding of human existence.
“Stopping by Woods” also examines the potential of nature to provide individuals with the opportunity to discover a sense of connection with their surroundings. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers”, the poem opens with a sense of isolation and solitude, “whose woods these are I think I know/his house is in the village though”. “Whose” and the third person pronoun “he” suggests the mysterious and uncertain identity of the owner of the woods, depicting the disconnection between the persona and him. The visual imagery “to watch his woods fill up with snow” then establishes a spiritual connection between the speaker and the natural landscape. The sibilance in “only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake” suggests the calm and comforting environment the persona finds himself in. “down” suggests softness and warmness which contrasts with the actuality of snow, suggesting that the snow seems to offer rest and ease. Reflections within nature can thus allow individuals to discover a newfound sense of connection.
In “Where do Lilacs come from”, an Alzheimer’s patient’s (Chris’s) rediscovery of past relationships with his wife and son empowers him to re-evaluate his perceptions and attitudes about his family. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”, where nature reawakens the persona’s appreciation of life and the human experience; Chris’s fractured memories challenge his dwindling perception of family and offer new means for him to examine others and the world. A panning shot of a flashback, where Chris and his wife are quarrelling, establishes their broken relationship. The stark contrast between light and shade in the characters’ positioning highlights the division between the two. Chris’s past disconnection is similar to the initial isolation of the personas in “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”. The camera jump cuts to the present and zooms onto Chris’s tense and contemplative facial expression as he ruminates on past experiences. The sudden silence further accentuates Chris’s epiphany as he realizes the importance of family to an individual. The use of warm colours and uplifting music composed by string instruments connotes positivity, suggesting that the memories of past events are leading Chris to ponder on and reconstruct his outlook on life, transforming his previous indifference into a newfound appreciation of family and relationships.
The process of discovery may also adversely transform an individual’s perspectives and understandings through their reflection on the harsh realities of life. Frost’s “After Apple-Picking” is set in a rural landscape and depicts the repetitive and dreary nature of picking apples, which is an allegory for life and its endeavours. The use of irregular rhyming scheme and variation in meter evoke a mood of hesitation and correspond with the persona’s uncertainty as he reconsiders the meaning and choices in life. The recurring motif of sleep such as “drowsing”, “dreaming”, “overtired” illustrates the unclear delineation between consciousness and dream-like state of the persona, suggesting that he exists in a liminal space of uncertainty and transition. This imagery of sleep as well as winter’s symbolism of finality and transience of life in “essence of winter sleep” are both allusions of death, which reiterates that the persona is losing passion in the work he does as he continues to reflect on his life journey. Furthermore, the repetition of “load” in “I feel the ladder sway…rumbling sound of load on load of apples”, emphasises the intensity of the burden work places on the persona and the overwhelming nature of responsibilities. The auditory imagery and onomatopoeia “rumbling” produces a discordant sound which is indicative of unease and reflects the persona’s bitter and weary perspective on life. Unlike the persona from “The Tuft of Flowers” who gains an appreciation of human connection, the persona from “After Apple-Picking” discovers the futility of the human existence through contemplating on the meaning in life, leading to a renewed understanding of oneself and others.
“Stopping by Woods” also exemplifies how discovery can provide unpleasant knowledge regarding the nature of the human existence. The sombre tone in “darkest evening of the year” demonstrates winter as a time of symbolic death. The harsh “but” in “but I have promises to keep” startles the reader from the reveries and musicality of previous alliteration of “d” and long vowel sounds in “lovely, dark and deep”. This emphasises that the persona has discovered that life is full of responsibilities; social obligations is forcing him out of self-indulgent thoughts. The repetition at the end of the poem “and miles to go before I sleep” adds a sonorous effect to how far he still has to go and “sleep” alludes to how tired he is. The persona’s momentary halt on his journey is a metaphor for life and highlights the importance of introspection and reflection, which can allows individuals to gain a heightened understanding of their place in the world, though the knowledge may be undesirable.
“Where do Lilacs come from” likewise explores an understanding of the impermanence of time and fragility of human existence, as Chris continues to pursue meaning through his memories. This is shown in a wide shot, where the crimson amorphous ink comes apart in slow motion. This gradual disintegration emphasises the fragility of relationships as well as the irreversibility of choices and decisions made in life. The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona. Moreover, the use of lilacs as a metaphor in the flashback, where Chris and his family are planting lilacs together, represents the cycle of life, which is suggestive of the permanent absence of youth and the inevitability of death. This scene is filmed with a handheld camera and the footage is small and shaky, further demonstrating the uncertainties and instabilities in life. Much like the persona from “After Apple-Picking”, Chris also discovers the uncertainty and fragility of human existence through introspection, which facilitates a wider understanding of the world he lives in.
Both Frost and Thorne delve into the capacity of the discovery process to initiate a revision of perspectives on the human experience. This is often triggered by introspection within oneself, leading to renewed perceptions of the world and its people.
Moderator Action: Added spoiler :D
Post by: onepunchboy on July 24, 2016, 04:24:43 pm
Post by: isaacdelatorre on July 24, 2016, 11:40:32 pm
English is my biggest struggle and if you could give me some feedback on how to improve on my AOS essay, it would help tremendously.
Not sure what I'm meant to be doing with this tbh, but here's an essay that I wrote that I'm sure is too long.
Thank you so much!!! you guys are life savers
Discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known – discuss with detailed reference to the prescribed text and ONE related
Spoiler
The process of discovery is a two pronged method which allows us to uncover confronting secrets of the universe, that were previously unknown, as a result of careful and deliberate planning evoked by curiosity or wonder. These discoveries are often reconsidered once they are fully understood and renew perceptions of the world around us. Simon Nasht’s 2004 documentary Frank Hurley, the Man Who Made History depicts this binate process through recounting Hurley’s metamorphic expeditions to Antarctica and World War I. Likewise, J.K. Rowling’s 2008 speech The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination also depicts this process through the exploration of unconventional perspectives concerning failure and imagination. In the evaluated texts, the respective composers undergo this two pronged process, in which the audience vicariously discovers what was previously unknown, allowing them to reconsider previous assumptions and realise new ideas.
When discovering aspects of the universe that were previously unknown, a transformation may occur, that may force us to reconsider previous assumptions in order to embrace our renewed perceptions of the world. Hurley experiences an unexpected intellectual discovery of the power and beauty of nature on his Antarctic expedition which impacts his perception of the world. Nasht’s repetition of panning shots showing a diversity of beautiful natural landscapes, highlights the overwhelming significance that this unknown aspect of the natural world has on him. Hurley reconsiders his suburban life but embraces the newfound importance and beauty of the natural world exemplified by Nasht’s utilisation of juxtaposition within a voice over “City boy was stunned by the power of nature.” Hurley’s newfound curiosity catalyses his discovery of the immense power nature, which he reflects upon and considers his own mortality as the natural world hyperbolically, “more than once nearly got them killed.” This confronting discovery of the human condition within humanity’s insignificance against nature, is highlighted by a super wide shot of two tiny, anonymous figures juxtaposed to the enormous, white landscape; reinforced by diegetic sounds of strong, rushing wind. Responders, triggered by Hurley’s discoveries and Nasht’s frequent use of collective pronouns, vicariously uncover what was previously unknown to them and reconsider what is known, having renewed perceptions of humanity’s insignificance. “What three insignificant microbes of life we are” epitomises Hurley’s transformation as he reconsiders humanity’s superiority and embraces humanity’s insignificance; apparent in the existentialist tone that juxtaposes his previous positive attitude towards nature and discovery.
Similar to Hurley’s discovery of the power of nature, which causes existential conclusions of humanity’s insignificance, Rowling invites responders to consider the culturally unpopular view of failure as a method of discovering or realising our full potential. Rowling uses her lowered head and hyperbolised anecdotal failures which climax in “I was the biggest failure I knew” to juxtapose the joyous tone at her discovery that failure “became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life … I was set free.” The motif of freedom emphasises her realisation of what was previously unknown; provocative as she describes it as a “liberating discovery, worth more than any qualification I ever earned.” This hyperbole engages the responders of her specific context of Harvard graduates, inviting her audience to undergo this same discovery. Rowling’s perspective of failure challenges negative societal connotations of failure, which is what she believed before her discovery, established through hyperboles of, “What I feared most was failure.” Rowling reconsiders this negative perspective and is ultimately transformed, having renewed perceptions of the benefits and importance of failure. The importance of failure, previously unknown, is reflected upon now as a method of realising our true potential, reinforced through second person within “Responsibility lies with you… you will never know yourself without failing.” Thus, composers present their own discoveries of what was previously hidden, which are reconsidered as they challenge values within their social/historical contexts; simultaneously inviting the audience to do the same.
Discovery uncovers hidden secrets of the world which can make us reconsider our previous assumptions of society before resulting in renewed perceptions of the world around us. Nasht depicts his own discovery of Hurley’s manipulation through repetition of shots, layering images of WWI to create a fabricated image; whilst also revealing the photo’s impact on broader society. Hurley’s discovery is a result of necessity in which “There was a gulf between what he saw, and what was captured on the glass plates” using metaphors and voice over to establish Hurley’s motives for manipulation. This fabrication presents to responders the dichotomy between creativity and reality, by paradoxically manipulating photographs to capture the truth of war, challenging societal opinions on the matter. Hurley’s discovery has repercussions on responders and society more broadly, who become aware of manipulation and must reconsider previous assumptions regarding the media in an empirical quest for truth, even questioning the veracity of the film itself. Nasht presents juxtaposing perspectives regarding the photographs authenticity, highlighting the impact of the manipulated photos on society. Intertextual interviews achieve this dichotomy, heightened through hyperbolised pejorative expressions in “Conjuror with a camera” juxtaposed by “transcend art and history … becomes both.” Nasht uncovers both sides of the controversial discussion and allows responders to reconsider what they know of photography and come to their own conclusions regarding Hurley’s images.
Unlike Nasht’s “on the fence” attitude towards Hurley’s works and their repercussions on society, Rowling presents her unconventional view of the unrecognised importance of imagination, condemning those who do not choose to undergo this discovery. Rowling’s provocative discovery of the unrecognised importance of imagination is presented to the audience, highlighting how without imagination we are oblivious and ignorant of the world around us. “They choose to remain within the bounds of their own experience … they refuse to hear screams … they refuse to hear screams … they can close their minds and hearts … they can refuse to know” depicts, through third person accumulation, those who do not know of the importance of imagination, unlike Nasht who presents both sides of the controversial issue. Attitudes which place low value on imagination in modern, contemporary society are established through “many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all”. However, like how Hurley challenges societal attitudes that oppose him, Rowling challenges societal assumptions of what is known, through her own discovery; reconsidering these attitudes before coming to the metaphoric conclusion that “the unimaginative see more monsters, they are often more afraid,” condemning those who do not embrace her discovery. Rowling reconsiders this discovery, coming to the conclusion of it’s positive repercussions which collective pronouns within “we do not need magic to change the world … we have the power to imagine” which affirm her transformation. However, Rowling realises that her social and personal context as an author has altered her discovery and made her realise the importance of imagination to her exclusively, as without imagination, she metaphorically “would never have succeeded in the arena [she] belonged.” Through the confronting discovery that the protagonists undergo and their subsequent transformation which allows them to reconsider what is previously known, forming a heightened sense of the world around them, additionally impacting their respective audience who undergo this same two pronged process.
Confronting discoveries of aspects of the world that were originally hidden may challenge contextual attitudes, provoking new worlds and ideas which cause us to reconsider our previous assumptions of the world. From this reconsideration, we are transformed and enlightened from our previous state, with renewed perceptions of our place within the world; completing the process of discovery. Nasht presents confronting discoveries that are deliberately planned, stemming from curiosity and wonder in his documentary Frank Hurley, the Man Who Made History. Similarly, Rowling depicts contextual assumptions that oppress her provocative discoveries, causing transformation after embracing her discoveries in The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination
When discovering aspects of the universe that were previously unknown, a transformation may occur, that may force us to reconsider previous assumptions in order to embrace our renewed perceptions of the world. Hurley experiences an unexpected intellectual discovery of the power and beauty of nature on his Antarctic expedition which impacts his perception of the world. Nasht’s repetition of panning shots showing a diversity of beautiful natural landscapes, highlights the overwhelming significance that this unknown aspect of the natural world has on him. Hurley reconsiders his suburban life but embraces the newfound importance and beauty of the natural world exemplified by Nasht’s utilisation of juxtaposition within a voice over “City boy was stunned by the power of nature.” Hurley’s newfound curiosity catalyses his discovery of the immense power nature, which he reflects upon and considers his own mortality as the natural world hyperbolically, “more than once nearly got them killed.” This confronting discovery of the human condition within humanity’s insignificance against nature, is highlighted by a super wide shot of two tiny, anonymous figures juxtaposed to the enormous, white landscape; reinforced by diegetic sounds of strong, rushing wind. Responders, triggered by Hurley’s discoveries and Nasht’s frequent use of collective pronouns, vicariously uncover what was previously unknown to them and reconsider what is known, having renewed perceptions of humanity’s insignificance. “What three insignificant microbes of life we are” epitomises Hurley’s transformation as he reconsiders humanity’s superiority and embraces humanity’s insignificance; apparent in the existentialist tone that juxtaposes his previous positive attitude towards nature and discovery.
Similar to Hurley’s discovery of the power of nature, which causes existential conclusions of humanity’s insignificance, Rowling invites responders to consider the culturally unpopular view of failure as a method of discovering or realising our full potential. Rowling uses her lowered head and hyperbolised anecdotal failures which climax in “I was the biggest failure I knew” to juxtapose the joyous tone at her discovery that failure “became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life … I was set free.” The motif of freedom emphasises her realisation of what was previously unknown; provocative as she describes it as a “liberating discovery, worth more than any qualification I ever earned.” This hyperbole engages the responders of her specific context of Harvard graduates, inviting her audience to undergo this same discovery. Rowling’s perspective of failure challenges negative societal connotations of failure, which is what she believed before her discovery, established through hyperboles of, “What I feared most was failure.” Rowling reconsiders this negative perspective and is ultimately transformed, having renewed perceptions of the benefits and importance of failure. The importance of failure, previously unknown, is reflected upon now as a method of realising our true potential, reinforced through second person within “Responsibility lies with you… you will never know yourself without failing.” Thus, composers present their own discoveries of what was previously hidden, which are reconsidered as they challenge values within their social/historical contexts; simultaneously inviting the audience to do the same.
Discovery uncovers hidden secrets of the world which can make us reconsider our previous assumptions of society before resulting in renewed perceptions of the world around us. Nasht depicts his own discovery of Hurley’s manipulation through repetition of shots, layering images of WWI to create a fabricated image; whilst also revealing the photo’s impact on broader society. Hurley’s discovery is a result of necessity in which “There was a gulf between what he saw, and what was captured on the glass plates” using metaphors and voice over to establish Hurley’s motives for manipulation. This fabrication presents to responders the dichotomy between creativity and reality, by paradoxically manipulating photographs to capture the truth of war, challenging societal opinions on the matter. Hurley’s discovery has repercussions on responders and society more broadly, who become aware of manipulation and must reconsider previous assumptions regarding the media in an empirical quest for truth, even questioning the veracity of the film itself. Nasht presents juxtaposing perspectives regarding the photographs authenticity, highlighting the impact of the manipulated photos on society. Intertextual interviews achieve this dichotomy, heightened through hyperbolised pejorative expressions in “Conjuror with a camera” juxtaposed by “transcend art and history … becomes both.” Nasht uncovers both sides of the controversial discussion and allows responders to reconsider what they know of photography and come to their own conclusions regarding Hurley’s images.
Unlike Nasht’s “on the fence” attitude towards Hurley’s works and their repercussions on society, Rowling presents her unconventional view of the unrecognised importance of imagination, condemning those who do not choose to undergo this discovery. Rowling’s provocative discovery of the unrecognised importance of imagination is presented to the audience, highlighting how without imagination we are oblivious and ignorant of the world around us. “They choose to remain within the bounds of their own experience … they refuse to hear screams … they refuse to hear screams … they can close their minds and hearts … they can refuse to know” depicts, through third person accumulation, those who do not know of the importance of imagination, unlike Nasht who presents both sides of the controversial issue. Attitudes which place low value on imagination in modern, contemporary society are established through “many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all”. However, like how Hurley challenges societal attitudes that oppose him, Rowling challenges societal assumptions of what is known, through her own discovery; reconsidering these attitudes before coming to the metaphoric conclusion that “the unimaginative see more monsters, they are often more afraid,” condemning those who do not embrace her discovery. Rowling reconsiders this discovery, coming to the conclusion of it’s positive repercussions which collective pronouns within “we do not need magic to change the world … we have the power to imagine” which affirm her transformation. However, Rowling realises that her social and personal context as an author has altered her discovery and made her realise the importance of imagination to her exclusively, as without imagination, she metaphorically “would never have succeeded in the arena [she] belonged.” Through the confronting discovery that the protagonists undergo and their subsequent transformation which allows them to reconsider what is previously known, forming a heightened sense of the world around them, additionally impacting their respective audience who undergo this same two pronged process.
Confronting discoveries of aspects of the world that were originally hidden may challenge contextual attitudes, provoking new worlds and ideas which cause us to reconsider our previous assumptions of the world. From this reconsideration, we are transformed and enlightened from our previous state, with renewed perceptions of our place within the world; completing the process of discovery. Nasht presents confronting discoveries that are deliberately planned, stemming from curiosity and wonder in his documentary Frank Hurley, the Man Who Made History. Similarly, Rowling depicts contextual assumptions that oppress her provocative discoveries, causing transformation after embracing her discoveries in The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination
Moderator Action: Added a spoiler ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 12:38:07 pm
Hello,
Could you please have a look at my AOS essay on Robert Frost poetry :) My trials is in a week so feedback on how to improve would be great!
Cheers!
Hey! I sure can, your essay is attached with comments in bold:
Spoiler
Discoveries can often inspire revelation and reflection within an individual which facilitate renewed understandings of others and the world. Good conceptual Thesis. This idea is portrayed extensively in Robert Frost’s poems, “The Tuft of Flowers”， “Stopping by woods on a snowy evening”(“Stopping by Woods”) and “After Apple-Picking”, and Matthew Thorne’s short film, “Where do Lilacs come from” (2014). Whilst Frost explores nature’s capacity to stimulate a reconsideration of preconceived knowledge and attitudes, Thorne presents the ability of memory to provoke a re-evaluation of an individual’s place in the world. However, both texts demonstrate that the process of introspection ultimately shapes perspectives and meaning, which may positively or negatively transform an individual. Great start! Simple, but effective, you may want to establish your paragraph concepts in your introduction though.
The natural landscape enables reflection and contemplation through which meaningful discoveries can be made about the human experience. Frost explores this in “The Tuft of Flowers”, where the persona’s communion with nature provokes a newfound sense of connection and comfort. Awesome. The poem opens with a tone of despondency: “I must be, as he had been – alone”. The caesura and high modality “must” emphasises the depth of the persona’s isolation. This moment of despair is interrupted by “But as I said it, swift there passed me by/On noiseless wing a bewildered butterfly”; the use of sibilance slows the pace down and creates a calm and euphonic sound. Be careful that you aren't just using techniques to retell the poe, link everything to a discovery concept AND to what the audience learns. “but” suggests a sudden tonal shift from the persona’s initial scepticism to a more uplifted tone, which is reiterated by the deliberate choice of positively connoted words. This signifies the persona’s changing perceptions, which allows him to re-evaluate both himself and the world around him. What does the audience learn? The personification of the butterfly as “bewildered” mirrors the similarly bewildered persona as he reassesses his perspective on the solitary existence of humanity. The references to nature as a catalyst for discovery resonate strongly with elements of Romanticism, which Frost utilizes to demonstrate nature’s ability to empower and transform an individual. Good contextual link there. The persona’s renewed optimism further instigates him to discover a “tall tuft of flowers”, where the oxymoron of “tall” and typically short “tuft” reinforces both the random presence and the defiance of the flowers to survive in “the levelled scene”. Retell. This reflects the enduring strength and potential of human connection and relationships. The persona’s recognition of the spiritual connection between individuals is forming the cornerstone for his more profound understanding of human existence. Good paragraph! I'd love to see more of a link to the audience, tell me what the responder learns by reading the text! Also leaning ever so slightly towards textual retell, be careful!
“Stopping by Woods” also examines the potential of nature to provide individuals with the opportunity to discover a sense of connection with their surroundings. Try to make every introduction conceptual just like your first paragraph! Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers”, the poem opens with a sense of isolation and solitude, “whose woods these are I think I know/his house is in the village though”. “Whose” and the third person pronoun “he” suggests the mysterious and uncertain identity of the owner of the woods, depicting the disconnection between the persona and him. Retell. The visual imagery “to watch his woods fill up with snow” then establishes a spiritual connection between the speaker and the natural landscape. Retell. The sibilance in “only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake” suggests the calm and comforting environment the persona finds himself in. Retell. “down” suggests softness and warmness which contrasts with the actuality of snow, suggesting that the snow seems to offer rest and ease. Retell. Reflections within nature can thus allow individuals to discover a newfound sense of connection. This paragraph, while including techniques effectively, is just telling me what happened in the text and describing the state of the persona. I need wider audience links; what do WE learn from the composers use of techniques? What new understanding do we gain?
In “Where do Lilacs come from”, an Alzheimer’s patient’s (Chris’s) rediscovery of past relationships with his wife and son empowers him to re-evaluate his perceptions and attitudes about his family. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”, where nature reawakens the persona’s appreciation of life and the human experience; Chris’s fractured memories challenge his dwindling perception of family and offer new means for him to examine others and the world. A panning shot of a flashback, where Chris and his wife are quarrelling, establishes their broken relationship. The stark contrast between light and shade in the characters’ positioning highlights the division between the two. What insights do we gain into Discovery? Chris’s past disconnection is similar to the initial isolation of the personas in “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”. The camera jump cuts to the present and zooms onto Chris’s tense and contemplative facial expression as he ruminates on past experiences. Retell. The sudden silence further accentuates Chris’s epiphany as he realizes the importance of family to an individual. The use of warm colours and uplifting music composed by string instruments connotes positivity, suggesting that the memories of past events are leading Chris to ponder on and reconstruct his outlook on life, transforming his previous indifference into a newfound appreciation of family and relationships. Again, I need wider audience impact; don't tell me about what I learn about the text, what do I learn about Discovery as a whole!
The process of discovery may also adversely transform an individual’s perspectives and understandings through their reflection on the harsh realities of life. This is what I mean by conceptual, excellent! Frost’s “After Apple-Picking” is set in a rural landscape and depicts the repetitive and dreary nature of picking apples, which is an allegory for life and its endeavours. The use of irregular rhyming scheme and variation in meter evoke a mood of hesitation and correspond with the persona’s uncertainty as he reconsiders the meaning and choices in life. The recurring motif of sleep such as “drowsing”, “dreaming”, “overtired” illustrates the unclear delineation between consciousness and dream-like state of the persona, suggesting that he exists in a liminal space of uncertainty and transition. What does the audience learn? This imagery of sleep as well as winter’s symbolism of finality and transience of life in “essence of winter sleep” are both allusions of death, which reiterates that the persona is losing passion in the work he does as he continues to reflect on his life journey. Retell. Furthermore, the repetition of “load” in “I feel the ladder sway…rumbling sound of load on load of apples”, emphasises the intensity of the burden work places on the persona and the overwhelming nature of responsibilities. The auditory imagery and onomatopoeia “rumbling” produces a discordant sound which is indicative of unease and reflects the persona’s bitter and weary perspective on life. Unlike the persona from “The Tuft of Flowers” who gains an appreciation of human connection, the persona from “After Apple-Picking” discovers the futility of the human existence through contemplating on the meaning in life, leading to a renewed understanding of oneself and others. Just like your introductions, try to keep your conclusions as conceptual as possible, this time with a bit of a link to the text itself: "Hence, we see how the composer seeks to show the audience ________."
“Stopping by Woods” also exemplifies how discovery can provide unpleasant knowledge regarding the nature of the human existence. The sombre tone in “darkest evening of the year” demonstrates winter as a time of symbolic death. The harsh “but” in “but I have promises to keep” startles the reader from the reveries and musicality of previous alliteration of “d” and long vowel sounds in “lovely, dark and deep”. Good link to audience! This emphasises that the persona has discovered that life is full of responsibilities; social obligations is forcing him out of self-indulgent thoughts. The repetition at the end of the poem “and miles to go before I sleep” adds a sonorous effect to how far he still has to go and “sleep” alludes to how tired he is. The persona’s momentary halt on his journey is a metaphor for life and highlights the importance of introspection and reflection, which can allows individuals to gain a heightened understanding of their place in the world, though the knowledge may be undesirable.
“Where do Lilacs come from” likewise explores an understanding of the impermanence of time and fragility of human existence, as Chris continues to pursue meaning through his memories. Fantastic concept, but again, looking for something a little more conceptual. This is shown in a wide shot, where the crimson amorphous ink comes apart in slow motion. This gradual disintegration emphasises the fragility of relationships as well as the irreversibility of choices and decisions made in life. This is better; see how it doesn't just show us something about the persona/text, it shows us something about Discovery as a whole, excellent! The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona. And this is what I mean by focusing too much on the text, those two sentences are a perfect example of "amazing" then "okay." Moreover, the use of lilacs as a metaphor in the flashback, where Chris and his family are planting lilacs together, represents the cycle of life, which is suggestive of the permanent absence of youth and the inevitability of death. This scene is filmed with a handheld camera and the footage is small and shaky, further demonstrating the uncertainties and instabilities in life. Much like the persona from “After Apple-Picking”, Chris also discovers the uncertainty and fragility of human existence through introspection, which facilitates a wider understanding of the world he lives in.
Both Frost and Thorne delve into the capacity of the discovery process to initiate a revision of perspectives on the human experience. This is often triggered by introspection within oneself, leading to renewed perceptions of the world and its people. You'll need a bit more depth in this conclusion. Re-state your Thesis, explain how the texts represent this idea, summaries what you've discussed, then come to your final conclusion. It should be 4 sentences or so ;D
The natural landscape enables reflection and contemplation through which meaningful discoveries can be made about the human experience. Frost explores this in “The Tuft of Flowers”, where the persona’s communion with nature provokes a newfound sense of connection and comfort. Awesome. The poem opens with a tone of despondency: “I must be, as he had been – alone”. The caesura and high modality “must” emphasises the depth of the persona’s isolation. This moment of despair is interrupted by “But as I said it, swift there passed me by/On noiseless wing a bewildered butterfly”; the use of sibilance slows the pace down and creates a calm and euphonic sound. Be careful that you aren't just using techniques to retell the poe, link everything to a discovery concept AND to what the audience learns. “but” suggests a sudden tonal shift from the persona’s initial scepticism to a more uplifted tone, which is reiterated by the deliberate choice of positively connoted words. This signifies the persona’s changing perceptions, which allows him to re-evaluate both himself and the world around him. What does the audience learn? The personification of the butterfly as “bewildered” mirrors the similarly bewildered persona as he reassesses his perspective on the solitary existence of humanity. The references to nature as a catalyst for discovery resonate strongly with elements of Romanticism, which Frost utilizes to demonstrate nature’s ability to empower and transform an individual. Good contextual link there. The persona’s renewed optimism further instigates him to discover a “tall tuft of flowers”, where the oxymoron of “tall” and typically short “tuft” reinforces both the random presence and the defiance of the flowers to survive in “the levelled scene”. Retell. This reflects the enduring strength and potential of human connection and relationships. The persona’s recognition of the spiritual connection between individuals is forming the cornerstone for his more profound understanding of human existence. Good paragraph! I'd love to see more of a link to the audience, tell me what the responder learns by reading the text! Also leaning ever so slightly towards textual retell, be careful!
“Stopping by Woods” also examines the potential of nature to provide individuals with the opportunity to discover a sense of connection with their surroundings. Try to make every introduction conceptual just like your first paragraph! Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers”, the poem opens with a sense of isolation and solitude, “whose woods these are I think I know/his house is in the village though”. “Whose” and the third person pronoun “he” suggests the mysterious and uncertain identity of the owner of the woods, depicting the disconnection between the persona and him. Retell. The visual imagery “to watch his woods fill up with snow” then establishes a spiritual connection between the speaker and the natural landscape. Retell. The sibilance in “only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake” suggests the calm and comforting environment the persona finds himself in. Retell. “down” suggests softness and warmness which contrasts with the actuality of snow, suggesting that the snow seems to offer rest and ease. Retell. Reflections within nature can thus allow individuals to discover a newfound sense of connection. This paragraph, while including techniques effectively, is just telling me what happened in the text and describing the state of the persona. I need wider audience links; what do WE learn from the composers use of techniques? What new understanding do we gain?
In “Where do Lilacs come from”, an Alzheimer’s patient’s (Chris’s) rediscovery of past relationships with his wife and son empowers him to re-evaluate his perceptions and attitudes about his family. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”, where nature reawakens the persona’s appreciation of life and the human experience; Chris’s fractured memories challenge his dwindling perception of family and offer new means for him to examine others and the world. A panning shot of a flashback, where Chris and his wife are quarrelling, establishes their broken relationship. The stark contrast between light and shade in the characters’ positioning highlights the division between the two. What insights do we gain into Discovery? Chris’s past disconnection is similar to the initial isolation of the personas in “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”. The camera jump cuts to the present and zooms onto Chris’s tense and contemplative facial expression as he ruminates on past experiences. Retell. The sudden silence further accentuates Chris’s epiphany as he realizes the importance of family to an individual. The use of warm colours and uplifting music composed by string instruments connotes positivity, suggesting that the memories of past events are leading Chris to ponder on and reconstruct his outlook on life, transforming his previous indifference into a newfound appreciation of family and relationships. Again, I need wider audience impact; don't tell me about what I learn about the text, what do I learn about Discovery as a whole!
The process of discovery may also adversely transform an individual’s perspectives and understandings through their reflection on the harsh realities of life. This is what I mean by conceptual, excellent! Frost’s “After Apple-Picking” is set in a rural landscape and depicts the repetitive and dreary nature of picking apples, which is an allegory for life and its endeavours. The use of irregular rhyming scheme and variation in meter evoke a mood of hesitation and correspond with the persona’s uncertainty as he reconsiders the meaning and choices in life. The recurring motif of sleep such as “drowsing”, “dreaming”, “overtired” illustrates the unclear delineation between consciousness and dream-like state of the persona, suggesting that he exists in a liminal space of uncertainty and transition. What does the audience learn? This imagery of sleep as well as winter’s symbolism of finality and transience of life in “essence of winter sleep” are both allusions of death, which reiterates that the persona is losing passion in the work he does as he continues to reflect on his life journey. Retell. Furthermore, the repetition of “load” in “I feel the ladder sway…rumbling sound of load on load of apples”, emphasises the intensity of the burden work places on the persona and the overwhelming nature of responsibilities. The auditory imagery and onomatopoeia “rumbling” produces a discordant sound which is indicative of unease and reflects the persona’s bitter and weary perspective on life. Unlike the persona from “The Tuft of Flowers” who gains an appreciation of human connection, the persona from “After Apple-Picking” discovers the futility of the human existence through contemplating on the meaning in life, leading to a renewed understanding of oneself and others. Just like your introductions, try to keep your conclusions as conceptual as possible, this time with a bit of a link to the text itself: "Hence, we see how the composer seeks to show the audience ________."
“Stopping by Woods” also exemplifies how discovery can provide unpleasant knowledge regarding the nature of the human existence. The sombre tone in “darkest evening of the year” demonstrates winter as a time of symbolic death. The harsh “but” in “but I have promises to keep” startles the reader from the reveries and musicality of previous alliteration of “d” and long vowel sounds in “lovely, dark and deep”. Good link to audience! This emphasises that the persona has discovered that life is full of responsibilities; social obligations is forcing him out of self-indulgent thoughts. The repetition at the end of the poem “and miles to go before I sleep” adds a sonorous effect to how far he still has to go and “sleep” alludes to how tired he is. The persona’s momentary halt on his journey is a metaphor for life and highlights the importance of introspection and reflection, which can allows individuals to gain a heightened understanding of their place in the world, though the knowledge may be undesirable.
“Where do Lilacs come from” likewise explores an understanding of the impermanence of time and fragility of human existence, as Chris continues to pursue meaning through his memories. Fantastic concept, but again, looking for something a little more conceptual. This is shown in a wide shot, where the crimson amorphous ink comes apart in slow motion. This gradual disintegration emphasises the fragility of relationships as well as the irreversibility of choices and decisions made in life. This is better; see how it doesn't just show us something about the persona/text, it shows us something about Discovery as a whole, excellent! The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona. And this is what I mean by focusing too much on the text, those two sentences are a perfect example of "amazing" then "okay." Moreover, the use of lilacs as a metaphor in the flashback, where Chris and his family are planting lilacs together, represents the cycle of life, which is suggestive of the permanent absence of youth and the inevitability of death. This scene is filmed with a handheld camera and the footage is small and shaky, further demonstrating the uncertainties and instabilities in life. Much like the persona from “After Apple-Picking”, Chris also discovers the uncertainty and fragility of human existence through introspection, which facilitates a wider understanding of the world he lives in.
Both Frost and Thorne delve into the capacity of the discovery process to initiate a revision of perspectives on the human experience. This is often triggered by introspection within oneself, leading to renewed perceptions of the world and its people. You'll need a bit more depth in this conclusion. Re-state your Thesis, explain how the texts represent this idea, summaries what you've discussed, then come to your final conclusion. It should be 4 sentences or so ;D
This is a cool essay! Lots of really interesting conceptual ideas throughout, a multitude of textual references, and a distinct structure, I think this works quite well!
My first comment would be that this is far too long to reproduce in an exam situation, unless you are the fastest writer I know of! AoS essays typically sit no higher than about 1000 words, a few more if you are fast. This is a tad long, so you'll need to adjust it to trim the word count!
My big tip to achieve that is eliminating retell. There are significant portions of your essay where you tell me (albeit in a sophisticated way), what happens in the text and how it affects the persona in the text. Even integrating techniques throughout, this is not effective, especially when your word count is above what it should be. Eliminate any part of your essay that tells me something about what happens to the persona or what happens in the text. This is retell, focus on techniques: "The composer uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE", so communicate BLAH which reveals BLAH BLAH to the audience." Rinse, repeat, no additional detail, be succinct! ;D
I'll also mention that you will want to make greater links to what the audience learns about Discovery. Right now, you have a focus on what we learn about the persona, or how the persona's experiences link to Discovery. This is good, but it is even more effective to purely focus on what the audience learns about Discovery. Here is an example:
The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona.
Could be changed to:
The composer's use of crimson colour is confronting to the audience, as we realise that knowledge is distasteful and thus acts as a dissuasion for personal discoveries.
Or something similar, pulled that sentence out of my head, but you see how it doesn't just focus on the persona: It brings it back to us (the responders). This is something to consider ;D
On the whole, a really great essay, you clearly know your texts really well! However, I'm looking to see you trim some filler, and focus more on what the audience learns about Discovery :) great work!
Post by: Aliceyyy98 on July 25, 2016, 01:40:59 pm
Hey! I sure can, your essay is attached with comments in bold:SpoilerDiscoveries can often inspire revelation and reflection within an individual which facilitate renewed understandings of others and the world. Good conceptual Thesis. This idea is portrayed extensively in Robert Frost’s poems, “The Tuft of Flowers”， “Stopping by woods on a snowy evening”(“Stopping by Woods”) and “After Apple-Picking”, and Matthew Thorne’s short film, “Where do Lilacs come from” (2014). Whilst Frost explores nature’s capacity to stimulate a reconsideration of preconceived knowledge and attitudes, Thorne presents the ability of memory to provoke a re-evaluation of an individual’s place in the world. However, both texts demonstrate that the process of introspection ultimately shapes perspectives and meaning, which may positively or negatively transform an individual. Great start! Simple, but effective, you may want to establish your paragraph concepts in your introduction though.
The natural landscape enables reflection and contemplation through which meaningful discoveries can be made about the human experience. Frost explores this in “The Tuft of Flowers”, where the persona’s communion with nature provokes a newfound sense of connection and comfort. Awesome. The poem opens with a tone of despondency: “I must be, as he had been – alone”. The caesura and high modality “must” emphasises the depth of the persona’s isolation. This moment of despair is interrupted by “But as I said it, swift there passed me by/On noiseless wing a bewildered butterfly”; the use of sibilance slows the pace down and creates a calm and euphonic sound. Be careful that you aren't just using techniques to retell the poe, link everything to a discovery concept AND to what the audience learns. “but” suggests a sudden tonal shift from the persona’s initial scepticism to a more uplifted tone, which is reiterated by the deliberate choice of positively connoted words. This signifies the persona’s changing perceptions, which allows him to re-evaluate both himself and the world around him. What does the audience learn? The personification of the butterfly as “bewildered” mirrors the similarly bewildered persona as he reassesses his perspective on the solitary existence of humanity. The references to nature as a catalyst for discovery resonate strongly with elements of Romanticism, which Frost utilizes to demonstrate nature’s ability to empower and transform an individual. Good contextual link there. The persona’s renewed optimism further instigates him to discover a “tall tuft of flowers”, where the oxymoron of “tall” and typically short “tuft” reinforces both the random presence and the defiance of the flowers to survive in “the levelled scene”. Retell. This reflects the enduring strength and potential of human connection and relationships. The persona’s recognition of the spiritual connection between individuals is forming the cornerstone for his more profound understanding of human existence. Good paragraph! I'd love to see more of a link to the audience, tell me what the responder learns by reading the text! Also leaning ever so slightly towards textual retell, be careful!
“Stopping by Woods” also examines the potential of nature to provide individuals with the opportunity to discover a sense of connection with their surroundings. Try to make every introduction conceptual just like your first paragraph! Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers”, the poem opens with a sense of isolation and solitude, “whose woods these are I think I know/his house is in the village though”. “Whose” and the third person pronoun “he” suggests the mysterious and uncertain identity of the owner of the woods, depicting the disconnection between the persona and him. Retell. The visual imagery “to watch his woods fill up with snow” then establishes a spiritual connection between the speaker and the natural landscape. Retell. The sibilance in “only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake” suggests the calm and comforting environment the persona finds himself in. Retell. “down” suggests softness and warmness which contrasts with the actuality of snow, suggesting that the snow seems to offer rest and ease. Retell. Reflections within nature can thus allow individuals to discover a newfound sense of connection. This paragraph, while including techniques effectively, is just telling me what happened in the text and describing the state of the persona. I need wider audience links; what do WE learn from the composers use of techniques? What new understanding do we gain?
In “Where do Lilacs come from”, an Alzheimer’s patient’s (Chris’s) rediscovery of past relationships with his wife and son empowers him to re-evaluate his perceptions and attitudes about his family. Similar to “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”, where nature reawakens the persona’s appreciation of life and the human experience; Chris’s fractured memories challenge his dwindling perception of family and offer new means for him to examine others and the world. A panning shot of a flashback, where Chris and his wife are quarrelling, establishes their broken relationship. The stark contrast between light and shade in the characters’ positioning highlights the division between the two. What insights do we gain into Discovery? Chris’s past disconnection is similar to the initial isolation of the personas in “The Tuft of Flowers” and “Stopping by Woods”. The camera jump cuts to the present and zooms onto Chris’s tense and contemplative facial expression as he ruminates on past experiences. Retell. The sudden silence further accentuates Chris’s epiphany as he realizes the importance of family to an individual. The use of warm colours and uplifting music composed by string instruments connotes positivity, suggesting that the memories of past events are leading Chris to ponder on and reconstruct his outlook on life, transforming his previous indifference into a newfound appreciation of family and relationships. Again, I need wider audience impact; don't tell me about what I learn about the text, what do I learn about Discovery as a whole!
The process of discovery may also adversely transform an individual’s perspectives and understandings through their reflection on the harsh realities of life. This is what I mean by conceptual, excellent! Frost’s “After Apple-Picking” is set in a rural landscape and depicts the repetitive and dreary nature of picking apples, which is an allegory for life and its endeavours. The use of irregular rhyming scheme and variation in meter evoke a mood of hesitation and correspond with the persona’s uncertainty as he reconsiders the meaning and choices in life. The recurring motif of sleep such as “drowsing”, “dreaming”, “overtired” illustrates the unclear delineation between consciousness and dream-like state of the persona, suggesting that he exists in a liminal space of uncertainty and transition. What does the audience learn? This imagery of sleep as well as winter’s symbolism of finality and transience of life in “essence of winter sleep” are both allusions of death, which reiterates that the persona is losing passion in the work he does as he continues to reflect on his life journey. Retell. Furthermore, the repetition of “load” in “I feel the ladder sway…rumbling sound of load on load of apples”, emphasises the intensity of the burden work places on the persona and the overwhelming nature of responsibilities. The auditory imagery and onomatopoeia “rumbling” produces a discordant sound which is indicative of unease and reflects the persona’s bitter and weary perspective on life. Unlike the persona from “The Tuft of Flowers” who gains an appreciation of human connection, the persona from “After Apple-Picking” discovers the futility of the human existence through contemplating on the meaning in life, leading to a renewed understanding of oneself and others. Just like your introductions, try to keep your conclusions as conceptual as possible, this time with a bit of a link to the text itself: "Hence, we see how the composer seeks to show the audience ________."
“Stopping by Woods” also exemplifies how discovery can provide unpleasant knowledge regarding the nature of the human existence. The sombre tone in “darkest evening of the year” demonstrates winter as a time of symbolic death. The harsh “but” in “but I have promises to keep” startles the reader from the reveries and musicality of previous alliteration of “d” and long vowel sounds in “lovely, dark and deep”. Good link to audience! This emphasises that the persona has discovered that life is full of responsibilities; social obligations is forcing him out of self-indulgent thoughts. The repetition at the end of the poem “and miles to go before I sleep” adds a sonorous effect to how far he still has to go and “sleep” alludes to how tired he is. The persona’s momentary halt on his journey is a metaphor for life and highlights the importance of introspection and reflection, which can allows individuals to gain a heightened understanding of their place in the world, though the knowledge may be undesirable.
“Where do Lilacs come from” likewise explores an understanding of the impermanence of time and fragility of human existence, as Chris continues to pursue meaning through his memories. Fantastic concept, but again, looking for something a little more conceptual. This is shown in a wide shot, where the crimson amorphous ink comes apart in slow motion. This gradual disintegration emphasises the fragility of relationships as well as the irreversibility of choices and decisions made in life. This is better; see how it doesn't just show us something about the persona/text, it shows us something about Discovery as a whole, excellent! The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona. And this is what I mean by focusing too much on the text, those two sentences are a perfect example of "amazing" then "okay." Moreover, the use of lilacs as a metaphor in the flashback, where Chris and his family are planting lilacs together, represents the cycle of life, which is suggestive of the permanent absence of youth and the inevitability of death. This scene is filmed with a handheld camera and the footage is small and shaky, further demonstrating the uncertainties and instabilities in life. Much like the persona from “After Apple-Picking”, Chris also discovers the uncertainty and fragility of human existence through introspection, which facilitates a wider understanding of the world he lives in.
Both Frost and Thorne delve into the capacity of the discovery process to initiate a revision of perspectives on the human experience. This is often triggered by introspection within oneself, leading to renewed perceptions of the world and its people. You'll need a bit more depth in this conclusion. Re-state your Thesis, explain how the texts represent this idea, summaries what you've discussed, then come to your final conclusion. It should be 4 sentences or so ;D
This is a cool essay! Lots of really interesting conceptual ideas throughout, a multitude of textual references, and a distinct structure, I think this works quite well!
My first comment would be that this is far too long to reproduce in an exam situation, unless you are the fastest writer I know of! AoS essays typically sit no higher than about 1000 words, a few more if you are fast. This is a tad long, so you'll need to adjust it to trim the word count!
My big tip to achieve that is eliminating retell. There are significant portions of your essay where you tell me (albeit in a sophisticated way), what happens in the text and how it affects the persona in the text. Even integrating techniques throughout, this is not effective, especially when your word count is above what it should be. Eliminate any part of your essay that tells me something about what happens to the persona or what happens in the text. This is retell, focus on techniques: "The composer uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE", so communicate BLAH which reveals BLAH BLAH to the audience." Rinse, repeat, no additional detail, be succinct! ;D
I'll also mention that you will want to make greater links to what the audience learns about Discovery. Right now, you have a focus on what we learn about the persona, or how the persona's experiences link to Discovery. This is good, but it is even more effective to purely focus on what the audience learns about Discovery. Here is an example:
The confronting colour of crimson illustrates that the knowledge is distasteful to Chris, in the same way that the discovery in “After Apple-Picking” was disheartening to the persona.
Could be changed to:
The composer's use of crimson colour is confronting to the audience, as we realise that knowledge is distasteful and thus acts as a dissuasion for personal discoveries.
Or something similar, pulled that sentence out of my head, but you see how it doesn't just focus on the persona: It brings it back to us (the responders). This is something to consider ;D
On the whole, a really great essay, you clearly know your texts really well! However, I'm looking to see you trim some filler, and focus more on what the audience learns about Discovery :) great work!
Hey! Thanks a bunch! Do you think it would be a better idea to incorporate the "Stopping by Woods" as I discuss the other two in detail? this would save some words and I wouldn't have to restate the same concept?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 03:00:21 pm
Hey! Thanks a bunch! Do you think it would be a better idea to incorporate the "Stopping by Woods" as I discuss the other two in detail? this would save some words and I wouldn't have to restate the same concept?
Possibly! Though it might create a bit of an imbalance, do you need "Stopping by Woods" at all if you have enough depth from the other two poems? ;D
Post by: liiz on July 25, 2016, 04:51:13 pm
Spoiler
An individual’s experience of and response to discovery can often enrich their development through the attainment of greater knowledge and renewed perceptions. The significance of such discovery, whether serendipitous or planned, is greatly determined by one’s willingness to embrace it. This notion is explored throughout William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest (1610) and Jane Campion’s film The Piano (1993). Both texts elucidate societal constructs within one’s environment as well as aspects of the human condition to be platforms for discoveries. In doing so, composers have been able to reveal their ability to affirm and challenge one’s attitudes and beliefs, deepening audiences understanding of discoveries to be intensely meaningful and transformative.
The development of individuals can be dependent upon their societal contexts, in particular the construction of hierarchies, prompting a discovery and leading to the transformation of one’s perceptions. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, as the ship and passengers are faced with the possibility of death due to the “tempestuous noise of thunder and lighting,” the composer reveals the chaotic circumstance as a platform for discovery. The boatswain’s imperative question, “What care these roarers for the name of king?” explicitly renders the Elizabethan Providential order meaningless. As such, the assumption held by characters as well as audiences of the importance of hierarchy is challenged by means of discovery, ultimately leading to a new perception of societal constructs and personal power. Contrastingly, Shakespeare also explores how discoveries can affirm one’s beliefs in upholding social constructs, despite their implications for others. This is clear through Prospero’s absolute power, which echoes the attitudes of the Renaissance colonisation period. Dramatic irony is employed as Prospero, a near anagram of “oppressor,” becomes a perpetrator of abuse and theft himself, regardless of having been unjustly usurped by his brother. This is emphasised in Caliban’s direct and accusatory language “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me.” Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” also affirms the context’s patriarchal attitudes, in spite of the pair discovering their own island away from civilisation. Hence, the development of Prospero as an oppressive character and Miranda’s passivity is reflective of their discoveries which affirm the widely-held attitudes found within the societal context. Therefore, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively explores the notion of discovery as one that may challenge or assert one’s perspective, influencing an individual’s course to renewed understandings and further development.
The social hierarchy and norms within one’s environment also influences the nature of discovery in Campion’s film The Piano, to be thought-provoking and intensely meaningful. The discovery of hegemonic patriarchal forces results in Ada’s self-imposed muteness, as her non-diegetic voiceover clarifies for audiences that “the voice you hear is… my mind’s voice.” Furthermore, Campion’s hallucinatory blurred angle shots and restrictive corset costuming convey Ada’s overwhelming sense of isolation and entrapment within the Victorian context. In doing so, Campion enables Ada’s environment to prompt a transformative discovery. Wide angle shots of Ada stumbling across Baine’s wooden-hut amongst the vibrant, light-filled forest foreshadows her unexpected discovery of an equal, caring relationship with him. Through this discovery, Ada’s former attitude of passivity is confronted, unlike Miranda’s in The Tempest, and her desire for emancipation from the debilitating societal constructs society is formulated. This acts as a strong juxtaposition to Ada’s initial relationship with Stewart, whose confined house among withered trees reflected his superiority to Ada. In a similar way to Shakespeare’s oeuvre, Campion’s film conveys that discoveries which can be prompted by social contexts can challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs, creating new perspectives and aiding in one’s personal development.
An intensely meaningful and transformative discovery can also be triggered by the human experience, leading to an individual’s growth by means of a new understanding. This is evident within The Tempest when Prospero’s all-consuming revenge shifts in the final act. His discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness is driven by Ariel’s evocative tone, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” As Prospero’s “purpose doth extend a frown further,” the fricative consonants and truncated sentence elucidates the harsh realisation of his own inhumanity. The aphorism “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance” is utilised to reinforce Prospero’s reevaluation of mercy and compassion. As such, Prospero’s character development is owed to experiencing a discovery of his own infallibility which subsequently challenged his previous attitude of revenge. Alonso rediscovers his relationship with Prospero and similarly acknowledges his past wrongs. His ability to mend his relationship with Prospero is facilitated through a transformed outlook on the past through the events of the present. The reflective tone of Prospero, “Let us burthen our remembrance with a heaviness that’s gone” captures his recognition and understanding of Alonso’s regret. Hence, readers are able to extend their understanding of discovery to be one which can stimulate renewed perceptions about ourselves and those around us. As such, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively communicates the notion of discovery and the way in which it can facilitate the development of individuals and the attainment of greater knowledge.
Discoveries can encourage a new understanding of oneself by means of challenging and affirming one’s perspective. Campion’s film corresponds to The Tempest by exploring this notion of discovery through the protagonist's experience of and response to her self discovery. The plaintive score and slow-motion underwater cinematography heighten the suspense of Ada’s reckless suicide attempt, evoking distress from audiences and revealing to them the confronting and emotional nature of discovery. The sinking piano represents the weight of Ada’s oppressed past dragging her to her death, as the instrument has become her “coffin.” However, as a close up short suddenly captures Ada disentangling herself as her “will [chooses] life”, demonstrating the power of unexpected discoveries to be intensely meaningful and transformative. Like Prospero “drowns” his magic books which had ruled his actions, Ada’s rejection of the piano signifies that she no longer is dependent on the instrument as her outlet of expression. Ada challenges her previous attitude that the piano solely defined her and affirms her desire for freedom and a greater life with Baines, resulting in a new understanding of herself and will to live. Therefore, Campion’s The Piano illustrates how discovery, evoked by aspects of the human condition, can be profound in its transformation of one’s perceptions and consequently contribute to their personal growth and understanding.
Discoveries can be avenues for new perspectives and knowledge, by means of challenging and affirming an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. In doing so, one’s development and understanding of themselves and the world can be profoundly enriched if the process of discovery is to be embraced. By means of contextual and literary aspects, Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Campion’s film The Piano have similarly produced texts which focus on the multifarious notion of discovery and it’s ability to be intensely meaningful and transformative.
The development of individuals can be dependent upon their societal contexts, in particular the construction of hierarchies, prompting a discovery and leading to the transformation of one’s perceptions. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, as the ship and passengers are faced with the possibility of death due to the “tempestuous noise of thunder and lighting,” the composer reveals the chaotic circumstance as a platform for discovery. The boatswain’s imperative question, “What care these roarers for the name of king?” explicitly renders the Elizabethan Providential order meaningless. As such, the assumption held by characters as well as audiences of the importance of hierarchy is challenged by means of discovery, ultimately leading to a new perception of societal constructs and personal power. Contrastingly, Shakespeare also explores how discoveries can affirm one’s beliefs in upholding social constructs, despite their implications for others. This is clear through Prospero’s absolute power, which echoes the attitudes of the Renaissance colonisation period. Dramatic irony is employed as Prospero, a near anagram of “oppressor,” becomes a perpetrator of abuse and theft himself, regardless of having been unjustly usurped by his brother. This is emphasised in Caliban’s direct and accusatory language “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me.” Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” also affirms the context’s patriarchal attitudes, in spite of the pair discovering their own island away from civilisation. Hence, the development of Prospero as an oppressive character and Miranda’s passivity is reflective of their discoveries which affirm the widely-held attitudes found within the societal context. Therefore, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively explores the notion of discovery as one that may challenge or assert one’s perspective, influencing an individual’s course to renewed understandings and further development.
The social hierarchy and norms within one’s environment also influences the nature of discovery in Campion’s film The Piano, to be thought-provoking and intensely meaningful. The discovery of hegemonic patriarchal forces results in Ada’s self-imposed muteness, as her non-diegetic voiceover clarifies for audiences that “the voice you hear is… my mind’s voice.” Furthermore, Campion’s hallucinatory blurred angle shots and restrictive corset costuming convey Ada’s overwhelming sense of isolation and entrapment within the Victorian context. In doing so, Campion enables Ada’s environment to prompt a transformative discovery. Wide angle shots of Ada stumbling across Baine’s wooden-hut amongst the vibrant, light-filled forest foreshadows her unexpected discovery of an equal, caring relationship with him. Through this discovery, Ada’s former attitude of passivity is confronted, unlike Miranda’s in The Tempest, and her desire for emancipation from the debilitating societal constructs society is formulated. This acts as a strong juxtaposition to Ada’s initial relationship with Stewart, whose confined house among withered trees reflected his superiority to Ada. In a similar way to Shakespeare’s oeuvre, Campion’s film conveys that discoveries which can be prompted by social contexts can challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs, creating new perspectives and aiding in one’s personal development.
An intensely meaningful and transformative discovery can also be triggered by the human experience, leading to an individual’s growth by means of a new understanding. This is evident within The Tempest when Prospero’s all-consuming revenge shifts in the final act. His discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness is driven by Ariel’s evocative tone, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” As Prospero’s “purpose doth extend a frown further,” the fricative consonants and truncated sentence elucidates the harsh realisation of his own inhumanity. The aphorism “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance” is utilised to reinforce Prospero’s reevaluation of mercy and compassion. As such, Prospero’s character development is owed to experiencing a discovery of his own infallibility which subsequently challenged his previous attitude of revenge. Alonso rediscovers his relationship with Prospero and similarly acknowledges his past wrongs. His ability to mend his relationship with Prospero is facilitated through a transformed outlook on the past through the events of the present. The reflective tone of Prospero, “Let us burthen our remembrance with a heaviness that’s gone” captures his recognition and understanding of Alonso’s regret. Hence, readers are able to extend their understanding of discovery to be one which can stimulate renewed perceptions about ourselves and those around us. As such, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively communicates the notion of discovery and the way in which it can facilitate the development of individuals and the attainment of greater knowledge.
Discoveries can encourage a new understanding of oneself by means of challenging and affirming one’s perspective. Campion’s film corresponds to The Tempest by exploring this notion of discovery through the protagonist's experience of and response to her self discovery. The plaintive score and slow-motion underwater cinematography heighten the suspense of Ada’s reckless suicide attempt, evoking distress from audiences and revealing to them the confronting and emotional nature of discovery. The sinking piano represents the weight of Ada’s oppressed past dragging her to her death, as the instrument has become her “coffin.” However, as a close up short suddenly captures Ada disentangling herself as her “will [chooses] life”, demonstrating the power of unexpected discoveries to be intensely meaningful and transformative. Like Prospero “drowns” his magic books which had ruled his actions, Ada’s rejection of the piano signifies that she no longer is dependent on the instrument as her outlet of expression. Ada challenges her previous attitude that the piano solely defined her and affirms her desire for freedom and a greater life with Baines, resulting in a new understanding of herself and will to live. Therefore, Campion’s The Piano illustrates how discovery, evoked by aspects of the human condition, can be profound in its transformation of one’s perceptions and consequently contribute to their personal growth and understanding.
Discoveries can be avenues for new perspectives and knowledge, by means of challenging and affirming an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. In doing so, one’s development and understanding of themselves and the world can be profoundly enriched if the process of discovery is to be embraced. By means of contextual and literary aspects, Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Campion’s film The Piano have similarly produced texts which focus on the multifarious notion of discovery and it’s ability to be intensely meaningful and transformative.
Post by: angiezhang9 on July 25, 2016, 09:36:43 pm
I was wondering if you would be able to have a look at my AOS essay. I would love it if you could mark harshly and let me know what I should change/improve. I have read a few of your posts and comments about making your analysis audience focussed. Do I do this enough, and if not, how should I incorporate it into my analysis. I am planning on memorising this essay for my trials next week. Do you have any suggestions on how I should manipulate this essay and my thesis to the exam essay question?
Thanks so much for this opportunity to mark my essay :)
Post by: Spencerr on July 25, 2016, 11:18:51 pm
Could you have a look at my disc essay. I posted one back along long time ago and had it marked by Literally Lauren. Since then, I've changed it a lot for the upcoming trails. I'd be really grateful for any feedback :))
Spoiler
Experiences of discoveries are inevitably [thesis]. The multifaceted nature of discoveries, however, implies a variegation of impacts, unique to each individual. At the crux of William’s Shakespeare’s tragicomedy The Tempest (1611), lies an exploration into the power of discoveries to transform an individual, inciting moral change and self growth. Divergently, Edgar Allen Poe’s short story The Tell tale Heart (1843) depicts the negative repercussions of similar discoveries. Nonetheless, both texts demonstrate the potential for discoveries to challenge pre-existing beliefs whilst engendering fresh perspectives and (answer thesis/question).
By challenging pre-existing values, discoveries can catalyse an individual’s self-evolution and personal transformation. Such a notion is exemplified in The Tempest, where from the outset, the eponymous tempest serves as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. Prospero’s antagonistic characterisation, highlighted through the foil of Miranda who epitomises “the very virtue of compassion”, mirrors the immorality of Alonso. However unlike Prospero, Alonso is confronted by his moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. This unexpected discovery of the supernatural, coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin” prompts Alonso to acknowledge his guilt and repent, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. Ironically, it is through the anthropomorphism of Ariel as he emotively declares “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero realises his own inhumanity and forsakes his desire for retribution, instead choosing to “forgive thy [Alonso] rankest fault”, with the superlative emphasising his newfound compassion. Prospero’s self discovery of humanist values constitutes a moral transformation, emphasised by the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance”, as he recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Thus, the Tempest reveals the potential for discoveries to unveil flaws within individuals, laying the foundations for moral growth and transformation.
Whilst the process of discovery may evoke personal transformations and change, their impact is contingent upon the individual and their attitude towards the discovery. Unlike The Tempest, The Tell Tale Heart is devoid of positive transformations, conversely depicting the mental devolution of a psychopathic murderer, actuated by the self-discovery of his immorality. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat, to manifest the narrator’s internalised guilt and inability to cognise his moral infallibilities. As such, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!” as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of his actions. This self-discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police” is reminiscent of Alonso’s realisation of his depravity. However contrary to Alonso’s contrition, the narrator’s lack of penitence, conveyed by the anaphora in his exclamatory repetitions “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, highlights the individualised nature of discoveries as the narrator, like Antonio and Sebastian, repudiates constructive inner change. Poe’s use of repetition in the climax, as the fictitious heart beats become “Louder! Louder! Louder! Louder!”, conveys how the narrator is ultimately overwhelmed by his discovery, marking his complete and psychotic descent into mental instability. Thus, The Tell Tale Heart serves as a counterpoint to The Tempest, demonstrating the protean ramifications of discoveries.
Furthermore, discoveries, in challenging pre-existing beliefs and assumptions, may result in augmented knowledge and fresh perspectives. In The Tempest, Shakespeare employs the initial sea voyage as a historical allusion to the ‘Age of Discovery’, vilifying notions of European superiority and ingrained perceptions of colonialism. Caliban’s harsh emotive language “I showed thee all the qualities of the isle...cursed be that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation in the relationship between Prospero and Caliban, master and slave. Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes ethnocentric European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”. Shakespeare creates a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano when they encounter Caliban to reinforce the link between physical discoveries and exploitation. However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism which enslaves such noble creatures and preconceived assumptions of European superiority. Therefore Shakespeare’s metatheatrical play, an allegory for 17th Century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audience’s self-discovery by challenging the entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating fresh perspectives of the “New World”.
Where discoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity. The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self discovery. Initially the narrator’s attempt to maintain his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “why do you say that I am mad?...is it not clear that I am not mad” produces an antithetical response with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence. The old man serves as a doppelganger to the narrator, his metaphoric “vulture eye” is symbolic for man’s desire for truth and thus expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity. This confronting realisation challenges his self-perspective, prompting him to murder the “old man”. Thus, Poe creates the intentionally anonymous narrator as a surrogate for humanity itself, enlightening the audience to the perverse and impulsive nature of mankind. The audience’s intellectual discovery, facilitates a fresh perspective of the human condition, echoing the challenge to European assumptions of superiority, as Antonio’s ignoble and corrupt nature, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences stand twixt me and Milan”, ironically places him below the “noble savage” Caliban. Thus, the audience’s altered perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discoveries to challenge preconceived beliefs and engender fresh perspectives.
Inevitably, the process of discovery entails [thesis]. The Tempest reveals how discoveries may have the potential to facilitate transformations and personal growth. Despite similar processes, the individualised nature discoveries can however, lead to differing ramifications as depicted by The Tell Tale Heart. Nonetheless, both texts reveal how discoveries ultimately represent a challenge to pre-existing values and beliefs, fostering the creation of fresh perspectives and (Thesis).
By challenging pre-existing values, discoveries can catalyse an individual’s self-evolution and personal transformation. Such a notion is exemplified in The Tempest, where from the outset, the eponymous tempest serves as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. Prospero’s antagonistic characterisation, highlighted through the foil of Miranda who epitomises “the very virtue of compassion”, mirrors the immorality of Alonso. However unlike Prospero, Alonso is confronted by his moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. This unexpected discovery of the supernatural, coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin” prompts Alonso to acknowledge his guilt and repent, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. Ironically, it is through the anthropomorphism of Ariel as he emotively declares “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero realises his own inhumanity and forsakes his desire for retribution, instead choosing to “forgive thy [Alonso] rankest fault”, with the superlative emphasising his newfound compassion. Prospero’s self discovery of humanist values constitutes a moral transformation, emphasised by the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance”, as he recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Thus, the Tempest reveals the potential for discoveries to unveil flaws within individuals, laying the foundations for moral growth and transformation.
Whilst the process of discovery may evoke personal transformations and change, their impact is contingent upon the individual and their attitude towards the discovery. Unlike The Tempest, The Tell Tale Heart is devoid of positive transformations, conversely depicting the mental devolution of a psychopathic murderer, actuated by the self-discovery of his immorality. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat, to manifest the narrator’s internalised guilt and inability to cognise his moral infallibilities. As such, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!” as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of his actions. This self-discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police” is reminiscent of Alonso’s realisation of his depravity. However contrary to Alonso’s contrition, the narrator’s lack of penitence, conveyed by the anaphora in his exclamatory repetitions “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, highlights the individualised nature of discoveries as the narrator, like Antonio and Sebastian, repudiates constructive inner change. Poe’s use of repetition in the climax, as the fictitious heart beats become “Louder! Louder! Louder! Louder!”, conveys how the narrator is ultimately overwhelmed by his discovery, marking his complete and psychotic descent into mental instability. Thus, The Tell Tale Heart serves as a counterpoint to The Tempest, demonstrating the protean ramifications of discoveries.
Furthermore, discoveries, in challenging pre-existing beliefs and assumptions, may result in augmented knowledge and fresh perspectives. In The Tempest, Shakespeare employs the initial sea voyage as a historical allusion to the ‘Age of Discovery’, vilifying notions of European superiority and ingrained perceptions of colonialism. Caliban’s harsh emotive language “I showed thee all the qualities of the isle...cursed be that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation in the relationship between Prospero and Caliban, master and slave. Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes ethnocentric European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”. Shakespeare creates a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano when they encounter Caliban to reinforce the link between physical discoveries and exploitation. However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism which enslaves such noble creatures and preconceived assumptions of European superiority. Therefore Shakespeare’s metatheatrical play, an allegory for 17th Century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audience’s self-discovery by challenging the entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating fresh perspectives of the “New World”.
Where discoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity. The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self discovery. Initially the narrator’s attempt to maintain his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “why do you say that I am mad?...is it not clear that I am not mad” produces an antithetical response with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence. The old man serves as a doppelganger to the narrator, his metaphoric “vulture eye” is symbolic for man’s desire for truth and thus expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity. This confronting realisation challenges his self-perspective, prompting him to murder the “old man”. Thus, Poe creates the intentionally anonymous narrator as a surrogate for humanity itself, enlightening the audience to the perverse and impulsive nature of mankind. The audience’s intellectual discovery, facilitates a fresh perspective of the human condition, echoing the challenge to European assumptions of superiority, as Antonio’s ignoble and corrupt nature, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences stand twixt me and Milan”, ironically places him below the “noble savage” Caliban. Thus, the audience’s altered perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discoveries to challenge preconceived beliefs and engender fresh perspectives.
Inevitably, the process of discovery entails [thesis]. The Tempest reveals how discoveries may have the potential to facilitate transformations and personal growth. Despite similar processes, the individualised nature discoveries can however, lead to differing ramifications as depicted by The Tell Tale Heart. Nonetheless, both texts reveal how discoveries ultimately represent a challenge to pre-existing values and beliefs, fostering the creation of fresh perspectives and (Thesis).
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 11:41:37 pm
Hi once again! Can you please let me know where I am with this essay! :) Last time I was given advice to make my ideas clearer I feel like the 3rd paragraph in particular is letting me down I don't know what to do with it for improvement.
Hey Alalamc! Definitely can! I'll pay special attention to that last paragraph ;D
PS - You are one post shy of getting your creative marked in the other forum, reply saying thanks/with questions to this feedback and you are sweet ;D
Spoiler
Discovery varies with historical, cultural and social contexts; however it is nevertheless educed through one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances. In what ways does it vary; looking for a little more specific here! Anglo-American author; Bill Bryson’s scientific memoir; A Short History of Nearly Everything ASHONE and Malala Yousafzai’s outspoken autobiography I Am Malala IAM divulges in the provocative and confronting impacts of discovery, which affirm and further challenge individual and social beliefs through world innovations. Slight expression issue in the middle there. Such innovations are disinterred through culture, modernity and renewed social and behavioural contexts. A good introduction, but it does feel a little short, some more elaboration for the Thesis would be effective, as would a more conclusive final sentence about how both texts represent the ideas you are discussing (or similar).
The rejuvenation of cultural tradition holds vast ideological changes which yield enriching future possibilities. ASHONE accentuates American scientific culture as a medium in which discoveries are both supressed and stimulated in regard to religious controversy. Perfect start, conceptual then text! Sparking uncomfortable cultural implications, Bryson’s intertextual representation of American Palaeontologist’s George Cuvier’s formal theory of extinctions is a metaphorical means of ‘provocative new world findings’ prompting confronting ‘ideological wonder’ in contemporary society. Great! But are there any specific techniques that achieve this? Such findings “heightened moral awkwardness regarding extinctions… contrary to the Great Chain of Being”. The scientific satire and absurdist play between the juxtaposition of religion and conflicting scientific progress challenges whether a significant discovery is one that defies pre-determined tradition or the ability to risk beneficial new concepts, instead enhancing the known. That sentence doesn't quite click with me, I think the expression could be tidied slightly. Subjectively through the robust application of realism, Bryson posits ‘todays powerhouse’; America’s decision of religion over ‘scientific elevation’, idiomatically as a ‘chance…wasted’. Good analysis there! Though I'd like to see more of a link to the audience. Thus cultural context acts as a lens through which one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances affirm or challenge the acceptance of progressive world innovations.
Similarly, Yousafzai proffer’s the beneficial implementation of western commercialism in regards to cultural stigmas associated with education in Pakistan. IAM publically focalises the essential role, purpose and functional power of education, intellectually, over traditional values of Swat, positing the confronting necessity for the ‘threatening application of propitious western principles’. Any techniques contribute to this? If you mention them later, it becomes a little unclear to what you are referring, and puts doubt in the mind of the marker. Try to put the technique in the same sentence as the quote. Such paradoxical values inferred through hyperbole deem traditional society’s provocative recognition of ‘western revelations’ figuratively as ‘inauspicious and threatening’. Aiming to portray that intellectual discovery encompasses the collective contribution of society, Yousafzai emotively represents the contributions of her father; Ziauddin and his politics as a way of effectuating power to benefit the ‘hierarchical position of women within Swat’. How? Technique? Ziauddin’s accumulation of diplomatic power is in response to fight for a progressing intellectual revolution, one which caters beneficial modern directions that tradition has overlooked. Ultimately making public, the discovery of the importance of education in shaping ones status and personal value, Ziauddin metaphorically eludes education as a cherishment, personifying educational concepts as a right to everyone, providing as an auxiliary to the purpose of IAM. Evidence from the text should be incorporated into the same sentence: Don't make it a separate sentence. ‘Education is education, it is neither western nor is it Eastern, it is human”. Through the semantic study of emotive language and contemporary tone, Yousafzai foreshadows the effects and necessity of intellectual discovery, enhancing ones perception to speculate on future possibilities and revelation that overcoming traditional values can deter. Textual example? Hence Yousafzai represents the intellectual discovery of beneficial western culture; education, as a collective social contribution, one which brings revolutionary cultural change. Good conclusion.
Societies social and behavioural motives influence the growth of human perception and in turn wonder. Good conceptual start. Bryson recounts such juxtaposed perspective of the Australian society, in particular the endeavours of modern Australian discover; Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. Try not to just say what Bryson recounts, tell me how techniques have been used to create meaning, that is the level of sophistication I need! The application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, (little expression issue there) Bryson proffers Evan as an individual ‘proactively’ undertaking the ‘simplest pleasures of discovery’ regardless of societies ‘technological progression’. What does this reveal to the audience? Moreover, Bryson utilises non-fiction scientific memoir to reflect the physical acts of discovery as a parallel for psychological and emotional joys of “old ways”. A little more clarity needed for that idea I feel. Moreover, the juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as a ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international representation’, substantiates ASHONE central context that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientists to keen amateur to local peasants’ and that it discovery is dependant rather on one ‘disconnections rather connections” with society that create meaningful personal discoveries. Fantastic sentence there, that was excellent. Conversely Bryson parodies the Australian 1936 social context and values as proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farcical representation not only develops pathos, but this level of tentative understanding of social development suggests social and political behaviour greatly influences the nature of knowledge and discovery. Good, but I'm missing a conclusion at the end of this paragraph!
Thus, the value of discovery is determinant on the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, which alters in society of the course of time; however, the discovery itself is shaped through wonder and necessity of wider circumstances. I feel like that should be split into two sentences. Such discoveries bring with them the affirmation and negation of personal or social beliefs through culture, modernity and the renewed context of society, to which ASHONE and IAM are a testament to. A little more depth needed in this conclusion, be sure to re-link to what you've discussed in your paragraphs and really talk about what the audience learns from the texts through the techniques.
The rejuvenation of cultural tradition holds vast ideological changes which yield enriching future possibilities. ASHONE accentuates American scientific culture as a medium in which discoveries are both supressed and stimulated in regard to religious controversy. Perfect start, conceptual then text! Sparking uncomfortable cultural implications, Bryson’s intertextual representation of American Palaeontologist’s George Cuvier’s formal theory of extinctions is a metaphorical means of ‘provocative new world findings’ prompting confronting ‘ideological wonder’ in contemporary society. Great! But are there any specific techniques that achieve this? Such findings “heightened moral awkwardness regarding extinctions… contrary to the Great Chain of Being”. The scientific satire and absurdist play between the juxtaposition of religion and conflicting scientific progress challenges whether a significant discovery is one that defies pre-determined tradition or the ability to risk beneficial new concepts, instead enhancing the known. That sentence doesn't quite click with me, I think the expression could be tidied slightly. Subjectively through the robust application of realism, Bryson posits ‘todays powerhouse’; America’s decision of religion over ‘scientific elevation’, idiomatically as a ‘chance…wasted’. Good analysis there! Though I'd like to see more of a link to the audience. Thus cultural context acts as a lens through which one’s idiosyncratic wonder and necessity of wider circumstances affirm or challenge the acceptance of progressive world innovations.
Similarly, Yousafzai proffer’s the beneficial implementation of western commercialism in regards to cultural stigmas associated with education in Pakistan. IAM publically focalises the essential role, purpose and functional power of education, intellectually, over traditional values of Swat, positing the confronting necessity for the ‘threatening application of propitious western principles’. Any techniques contribute to this? If you mention them later, it becomes a little unclear to what you are referring, and puts doubt in the mind of the marker. Try to put the technique in the same sentence as the quote. Such paradoxical values inferred through hyperbole deem traditional society’s provocative recognition of ‘western revelations’ figuratively as ‘inauspicious and threatening’. Aiming to portray that intellectual discovery encompasses the collective contribution of society, Yousafzai emotively represents the contributions of her father; Ziauddin and his politics as a way of effectuating power to benefit the ‘hierarchical position of women within Swat’. How? Technique? Ziauddin’s accumulation of diplomatic power is in response to fight for a progressing intellectual revolution, one which caters beneficial modern directions that tradition has overlooked. Ultimately making public, the discovery of the importance of education in shaping ones status and personal value, Ziauddin metaphorically eludes education as a cherishment, personifying educational concepts as a right to everyone, providing as an auxiliary to the purpose of IAM. Evidence from the text should be incorporated into the same sentence: Don't make it a separate sentence. ‘Education is education, it is neither western nor is it Eastern, it is human”. Through the semantic study of emotive language and contemporary tone, Yousafzai foreshadows the effects and necessity of intellectual discovery, enhancing ones perception to speculate on future possibilities and revelation that overcoming traditional values can deter. Textual example? Hence Yousafzai represents the intellectual discovery of beneficial western culture; education, as a collective social contribution, one which brings revolutionary cultural change. Good conclusion.
Societies social and behavioural motives influence the growth of human perception and in turn wonder. Good conceptual start. Bryson recounts such juxtaposed perspective of the Australian society, in particular the endeavours of modern Australian discover; Robert Evans in contrast to the 1936 thylacine extinction. Try not to just say what Bryson recounts, tell me how techniques have been used to create meaning, that is the level of sophistication I need! The application of semantic and semiotic study of positive retrospective connotations and coloured language, (little expression issue there) Bryson proffers Evan as an individual ‘proactively’ undertaking the ‘simplest pleasures of discovery’ regardless of societies ‘technological progression’. What does this reveal to the audience? Moreover, Bryson utilises non-fiction scientific memoir to reflect the physical acts of discovery as a parallel for psychological and emotional joys of “old ways”. A little more clarity needed for that idea I feel. Moreover, the juxtaposed portrayal of Evan as a ‘amateur supernovae finder with an international representation’, substantiates ASHONE central context that discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientists to keen amateur to local peasants’ and that it discovery is dependant rather on one ‘disconnections rather connections” with society that create meaningful personal discoveries. Fantastic sentence there, that was excellent. Conversely Bryson parodies the Australian 1936 social context and values as proffered through plosive language in the exclamatory sentence ‘last surviving thylacine was thrown out with the weekly trash’. The farcical representation not only develops pathos, but this level of tentative understanding of social development suggests social and political behaviour greatly influences the nature of knowledge and discovery. Good, but I'm missing a conclusion at the end of this paragraph!
Thus, the value of discovery is determinant on the congruence of the discovery with accepted knowledge, which alters in society of the course of time; however, the discovery itself is shaped through wonder and necessity of wider circumstances. I feel like that should be split into two sentences. Such discoveries bring with them the affirmation and negation of personal or social beliefs through culture, modernity and the renewed context of society, to which ASHONE and IAM are a testament to. A little more depth needed in this conclusion, be sure to re-link to what you've discussed in your paragraphs and really talk about what the audience learns from the texts through the techniques.
So I'll start by chatting about that 3rd paragraph for you!! I do think it has an issue of clarity for individual sentences in some areas, but I think the big issue there is that you aren't re-enforcing the same concept all the way through (which relates to clarity as well).
Your first sentence is like a contract, it says "I will talk about this." You, as the writer, are obligated to fulfil that contract. In the third paragraph you establish society as a motivator for human perception and wonder (paraphrased). If you read through your analytical sentences, you get:
- Discovery despite technological progression of society
- physical acts of discovery as a parallel for psychological and emotional joys
- discoverers range from ‘brilliant scientists to keen amateur to local peasants
- discovery is dependant rather on one ‘disconnections rather connections” with society
- social and political behaviour greatly influences the nature of knowledge and discovery
Doing this, it becomes a little more obvious that you lose your way in the middle a bit, it doesn't quite match up until the end. Work on sustaining your concept the whole way through; I think your verbosity is causing you to go a little off track and over-complicate your ideas, keep it simple! Simple works well! ;D
Besides that, some more general recommendations for you to consider. Most pivotal in my opinion is a greater emphasis on the audience! Remember, composers use techniques to convey concepts to their audience, you need to be making links to what we learn about Discovery! You hint it regularly, be more explicit if you can! As well as this, a more coherent integration of techniques with your quotes by getting everything into a single sentence, and again this comes to reigning it in just a bit: "Technique in quote does BLAH." Simple expression, with verbosity in appropriate places, is more effective than excessive verbosity ;D
All that said, I think you have some fantastic ideas on display and some excellent textual knowledge, tidy up how it comes across and you'll have a winner! Great work ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 11:58:59 pm
Hey i just wrote up some GBTWYCF paragraphs to the question discovers can be confronting and provocative, to what extent is this true of your study of Discovery?
Thanks!
Hey Jamie! Happy to give you feedback on these! I'll consider them individually! Comments are throughout in both ;D
Paragraph 1
Spoiler
The confronting and provoking nature of discoveries shape the responder leading to acceptance and renewed values towards the issue. Nice concept! Though are you talking about discoveries in texts shaping the responders views, or discoveries for individuals in general? Slightly unclear. Within “Go Back To Where You Came From”, Raye is seen to accept the confronting reality of refugee’s and consequently accepting the reasons for why the go on a boat. Try not to recount character actions in a text like this, because it automatically slips you into retell. She is seen reflecting on Dao’s words “ it certainly isn’t living” in Kakuma, where the producers play a montage with a voiceover of melodramatic music to help extend Raye’s reflection onto responders. Keep the focus on the techniques like the second half of your sentence, that's the good bit! Furthermore, the montage also consists of a series of images attempting to evoke sympathy and reason within both participants and audience. You could blend this with the previous sentence (see below). Thus, it is clear that Raye has underwent significant transformative change of character throughout the documentary, where emotional, spiritual and physical discovers have helped renew her perspective on the issue. But what do we as an audience learn? The character is just a puppet of the director/producer to convey something to us, what they learn is irrelevant. Likewise, the producers use a close up shot to highlight Darren’s reflection on the issue, where “ Despite my harsh response.. I am emotionally affected, it has had a profound effect on me personally and spiritually” the close up shot reveals the finest nuances of expression, where Darren is portrayed to be in a deeply emotional state. Retell. Such that, Darren’s discoveries had confronted his opinions cause him to undergo an evolution of character illustrating his acceptance and renewed values. But what is the effect on us? The participants renewed perspectives and values on the refugee crisis elucidates the confronting and provoking nature of discovery to generate new ideas about how we relate to the world.
My big piece of feedback for that paragraph is the removal of retell. Don't tell me what happened in the text (the marker has read it), focus on how techniques are used to create meaning for ME as a responder!! This will also allow you to be more succinct. For example:
She is seen reflecting on Dao’s words “ it certainly isn’t living” in Kakuma, where the producers play a montage with a voiceover of melodramatic music to help extend Raye’s reflection onto responders. Furthermore, the montage also consists of a series of images attempting to evoke sympathy and reason within both participants and audience.
Can be turned into:
The emphatic statement, "It certainly isn't living," is accentuated through a montage, voiceover and melodramatic soundtrack, culminating in the evocation of sympathy and reason within the audiences.
By removing the plot, you can be more succinct, though this sentence is still missing a link to Discovery :D
Paragraph 2
Spoiler
The process of discovery can be confronting and provocative leading to new perspectives. Good. O’Mahoney’s “Go Back To Where You Came From (Episdode1)” introduces each participant through indirect interviews and cut scenes to reveal their own political/ideological stance on the issue of refugee migrants. ... Thus establishing a variety of perspectives for consideration by the audience, perhaps? Raye’s experiences within the documentary can be juxtaposed with her original perspective “serve you bastards right” versus her new perspective post Malaysian raid, where she doesn’t “call that criminal”. Take yourself OUT of the text, you need to be referencing the composers choices (the director most likely), not the characters. The use of close ups, action music and various camera angles help convey the confronting and provocative nature of discovery. How? What are they accentuating? The change in Raye’s perspective demonstrates the process of discovery and how confrontation alters her own opinion and offers a new perspectives. What techniques accentuate this symbolism? Furthermore, Adam is seen to undergo significant transformative change as a consequence of confronting and provocative discoveries. The planned journey in episode 1 reveals Adam’s opinion where “ we are spending millions of dollars housing these criminals” which is contrasted with his opinion in Episode 4 “ the people who touched me the most was the ASF Hospital”. Retell. The categorisation of refugees from criminals to people within his speech demonstrates the confronting and provocative nature of discovery. Be more specific, what is confronting/provoctive about it? I appreciate the links to the question but you need a little more detail. Through the use of high to low camera angles to capture the shift in Adam’s opinions, the documentary demonstrates the process of Adam’s change as his own ignorance of the issue is diminished through his confronting discoveries allowing for a new perspective. Thus, the process of discovery can be seen to confront and provoke responders and lead to new perspectives. Good, simple conclusion that links to the question well.
For this paragraph, your focus should be a greater focus on audience impact! Remember, composers portray ideas for their audience, you must discuss the effect of techniques on us! Does the montage evoke sympathy and thus teach me about the fragility caused by discovery? Does figurative language make the concept more relatable? Think about what the technique teaches ME about discovery, what is teaches US about responders, and make this obvious in the response ;D
Just two bits of feedback to consider, of course read all my comments and let me know if you have any questions!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 12:40:29 am
Hey there, just wondering if someone could please check out my discovery essay. I've found AOS as one of the hardest modules for me some reason so heaps of critical feedback would be awesome!! Thanks so much :))
Hey liiz! I'd be happy too, but you've had 3 essays marked already, you need 20 posts to qualify for another set of feedback, sorry!! Let me know when you hit it and I'll add it to my list ;)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 01:16:55 am
Hello could you please mark my discovery essay , particularly i need help with thesis clarity, i dont know how to get my points across without sounding convoluted hehe.
Hey there! No problem, your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold!!
Spoiler
To a large extent, discovery encompasses the conflation between the undercurrents of one’s internal and external landscape. Interesting Thesis! Not seen it before, but I like it! By extension, tensions within this dichotomous relationship may engender self- actualisation in a transient and fleeting manner. This holds particularly true in Robert frost’s bucolic poems “Stopping by woods on a snowy evening” (SBW) and “After apple picking” (APP) which demonstrates this notion of transience through an interplay between physical and mental aesthetic states. Good. Thereafter, the romantic artwork “ The Savage State” by Thomas Cole demonstrates the differing outcomes of these discovery. Slight expression issues there. Utilising rustic and pantheistic reverences, composers exemplify discovery as integral to an individual’s development and maturation in life through reconciling with the dualities afflicted on an individual. Ultimately exploring discovery as a combination of both fluid and discrete entities. That last sentence should be just tacked onto the one prior: Great intro!! Some massively sophisticated ideas coming across, so much so that I do think it is a little crowded. I think you need to strip back a bit and simplify a tad, you can get fancy later, a Thesis is the chance for one big clever idea.
Discovery may be precipitated by an amalgamation of one’s life experiences and the deliberate seeking out of profound emotions. Good, nice and conceptual. Frosts lyrical composition demonstrates this idea through the lens of nature illustrating the weariness and weltschmerz associated with achieving a sense of discovery as an incremental exercise. Good. The irregular rhyme scheme compounded with the recurrent participles indicating labour in “ my two long pointed ladder sticking through a tree” accentuate the personas clouding fatigue and his inability to fill the “ empty barrels” which represent the aspirations that were abandoned. By implication, the process discovery is demonstrated as mentally exhausting and disempowering. With the power of your writing, you could make those two sentences into one if you wanted. Be succinct! Furthermore, the sibilant dictions of “scent.. strangeness.. sight” and olfactory imagery induce a trance like atmosphere allusive to Keats “ Ode to a Autumn” where the relaxing immersion of the former contrasts with the labour and resignation of Frost. Thus exemplifying that an appreciation of discovery is proportional upon the deliberate process in which it is discovered. Good link back to the start, ensure this is done as often as possible, links are vital. Additionally, the hyperbole “ thousand thousand fruit” emphasises the futility of his quest for discovery in which he longs for. During his lifetime he has had “too much” of knowledge and is “overtired’ where he realises the incapability of achieving true discovery and how this realisation has catalysed his feelings of disillusionment. Don't discuss the impact on the persona in the text, shift it to the impact on us as an audience! Thus the speaker, through the personal discovery of his frailty and degeneration has made wider implications on the self -perpetuating capabilities of discovery. Great paragraph!
Rather than a fluid, incremental exercise, discovery may culminate in discrete and transient moments of ones experiences. Love your concepts. Extrapolating this is often instigated by abandonment of habitual routine and boundaries. Transcendalist poet Robert Frost’s bucolic work ‘SBW’ initially demonstrates this through diametrically opposing the primeval “woods” and civilised premise of the “village”, implying a temporal distinction between the stasis of the woods and the inevitable progression of the village. Thus the process of self -discovery is characterised to be passive, precipitated through static and transient moments of reflection. Excellent. Furthermore the anthropomorphism of the “little horse” suggests an intimate relationship of familiarity with the persona, thus serving as a proxy for society and instinctive habitual routines. Be sure to tie the audience in explicitly to polish off your analysis! It is important to show what we learn. The notion posed is that when an individual rejects adherence one can transcend bestial qualities and achieve a sense of self. Moreover, the spatial-kinetic imagery in “between the woods and frozen lake” characterise nature as a particular space and precondition for spiritual discoveries as opposed to the physicality of the “farmhouse”. It is thus Frost focuses on these moments where the tangible and the spiritual/ pastoral intersect to exemplify nature’s capacity to engender feelings of alienation which catalyses a discrete and cathartic discoveries. This holds particularly true in the lexical chain “lovely dark and deep” “darkest evening of the year” where in a fleeting moment of self- reflection the persona discovers the alluring and serene nature of darkness. Thus showing the audience... By extension, this austere and tragic view of life modulated by the metaphysical use of detail indicate a departure of the romantic genre. Instead of nature as a mystical kinship with the human mind, Frost views it as a reflection of the realities of death. Thus Frost examines the transient nature of discovery when an individual abandons ritualistic attitudes and the potential profundity on one’s identity. This conclusion doesn't quite match with your introduction: This indicates that your focus hasn't quite been maintained.
Akin to “APP” and “SBW” immersion in to the natural landscape is seen to arise both discrete and continuous forms of discovery. Coles “ The Savage State” portrays the sublimity of rustic landscapes through a chiaroscuro fade contrasted with the salience of colour emphasizing the dynamic relationship of an individuals internal and external landscape. You've jumped into the text much faster in this paragraph, maintain your style! The vectors directed towards the trees with hues of orange and yellow encapsulate the discrete discoveries an individual undergoes reaching self- actualisation as the trees are implied to be a tangent holistically in the picture. Don't tell me about the text: That last phrase is redundant and can be removed! Contrastingly this is opposed by the trail of dark clouds compounded with the personified sharp fangs consuming the sky ; metaphorically implying that discoveries are engendered by a accumulated set of experiences stumbling upon obstacles and hardships. More importantly the salience to the pre-eminent and intangible high cliff, overshadowing the house in the bottom right of the rule of thirds share the same sentiments and essence of frosts literature. Cole details an extended motif of human insignificance upon the grand scale of landscapes, highlighting the nihilistic undertones within the personas in “ APP”and “SBW”. Thus Cole entails discovery as a multifarious notion having the capacity to engender both empowering and disempowering emotions. This paragraph lacks the conceptual sophistication of your paragraphs on Prescribed, but interestingly, it is quite clear!
In conclusion discovery is thus a polysemic notion which entails self-actualisation in many different ways however achieving same profundity on one’s identity and worldview. This does NOT match with your Thesis above, that's a warning bell for me as a marker: Have you maintained the same idea throughout? Robert frosts agrarian revolving poems “ APP “ and “ SBW” contrasted with Thomas Coles “ The Savage State” effectively presents this dynamic relationship as one that has both empowering and disempowering outcomes. You need a bit more depth here: What concepts have you raised? What does the audience learn?
Discovery may be precipitated by an amalgamation of one’s life experiences and the deliberate seeking out of profound emotions. Good, nice and conceptual. Frosts lyrical composition demonstrates this idea through the lens of nature illustrating the weariness and weltschmerz associated with achieving a sense of discovery as an incremental exercise. Good. The irregular rhyme scheme compounded with the recurrent participles indicating labour in “ my two long pointed ladder sticking through a tree” accentuate the personas clouding fatigue and his inability to fill the “ empty barrels” which represent the aspirations that were abandoned. By implication, the process discovery is demonstrated as mentally exhausting and disempowering. With the power of your writing, you could make those two sentences into one if you wanted. Be succinct! Furthermore, the sibilant dictions of “scent.. strangeness.. sight” and olfactory imagery induce a trance like atmosphere allusive to Keats “ Ode to a Autumn” where the relaxing immersion of the former contrasts with the labour and resignation of Frost. Thus exemplifying that an appreciation of discovery is proportional upon the deliberate process in which it is discovered. Good link back to the start, ensure this is done as often as possible, links are vital. Additionally, the hyperbole “ thousand thousand fruit” emphasises the futility of his quest for discovery in which he longs for. During his lifetime he has had “too much” of knowledge and is “overtired’ where he realises the incapability of achieving true discovery and how this realisation has catalysed his feelings of disillusionment. Don't discuss the impact on the persona in the text, shift it to the impact on us as an audience! Thus the speaker, through the personal discovery of his frailty and degeneration has made wider implications on the self -perpetuating capabilities of discovery. Great paragraph!
Rather than a fluid, incremental exercise, discovery may culminate in discrete and transient moments of ones experiences. Love your concepts. Extrapolating this is often instigated by abandonment of habitual routine and boundaries. Transcendalist poet Robert Frost’s bucolic work ‘SBW’ initially demonstrates this through diametrically opposing the primeval “woods” and civilised premise of the “village”, implying a temporal distinction between the stasis of the woods and the inevitable progression of the village. Thus the process of self -discovery is characterised to be passive, precipitated through static and transient moments of reflection. Excellent. Furthermore the anthropomorphism of the “little horse” suggests an intimate relationship of familiarity with the persona, thus serving as a proxy for society and instinctive habitual routines. Be sure to tie the audience in explicitly to polish off your analysis! It is important to show what we learn. The notion posed is that when an individual rejects adherence one can transcend bestial qualities and achieve a sense of self. Moreover, the spatial-kinetic imagery in “between the woods and frozen lake” characterise nature as a particular space and precondition for spiritual discoveries as opposed to the physicality of the “farmhouse”. It is thus Frost focuses on these moments where the tangible and the spiritual/ pastoral intersect to exemplify nature’s capacity to engender feelings of alienation which catalyses a discrete and cathartic discoveries. This holds particularly true in the lexical chain “lovely dark and deep” “darkest evening of the year” where in a fleeting moment of self- reflection the persona discovers the alluring and serene nature of darkness. Thus showing the audience... By extension, this austere and tragic view of life modulated by the metaphysical use of detail indicate a departure of the romantic genre. Instead of nature as a mystical kinship with the human mind, Frost views it as a reflection of the realities of death. Thus Frost examines the transient nature of discovery when an individual abandons ritualistic attitudes and the potential profundity on one’s identity. This conclusion doesn't quite match with your introduction: This indicates that your focus hasn't quite been maintained.
Akin to “APP” and “SBW” immersion in to the natural landscape is seen to arise both discrete and continuous forms of discovery. Coles “ The Savage State” portrays the sublimity of rustic landscapes through a chiaroscuro fade contrasted with the salience of colour emphasizing the dynamic relationship of an individuals internal and external landscape. You've jumped into the text much faster in this paragraph, maintain your style! The vectors directed towards the trees with hues of orange and yellow encapsulate the discrete discoveries an individual undergoes reaching self- actualisation as the trees are implied to be a tangent holistically in the picture. Don't tell me about the text: That last phrase is redundant and can be removed! Contrastingly this is opposed by the trail of dark clouds compounded with the personified sharp fangs consuming the sky ; metaphorically implying that discoveries are engendered by a accumulated set of experiences stumbling upon obstacles and hardships. More importantly the salience to the pre-eminent and intangible high cliff, overshadowing the house in the bottom right of the rule of thirds share the same sentiments and essence of frosts literature. Cole details an extended motif of human insignificance upon the grand scale of landscapes, highlighting the nihilistic undertones within the personas in “ APP”and “SBW”. Thus Cole entails discovery as a multifarious notion having the capacity to engender both empowering and disempowering emotions. This paragraph lacks the conceptual sophistication of your paragraphs on Prescribed, but interestingly, it is quite clear!
In conclusion discovery is thus a polysemic notion which entails self-actualisation in many different ways however achieving same profundity on one’s identity and worldview. This does NOT match with your Thesis above, that's a warning bell for me as a marker: Have you maintained the same idea throughout? Robert frosts agrarian revolving poems “ APP “ and “ SBW” contrasted with Thomas Coles “ The Savage State” effectively presents this dynamic relationship as one that has both empowering and disempowering outcomes. You need a bit more depth here: What concepts have you raised? What does the audience learn?
I think the fact that you are concerned about clarity is interesting, because it's quite a common concern for students with a powerful vocabulary like you. It's fascinating that those with perhaps the best words for the job, admit they have troubles with expression! Curious indeed ;)
Okay, so I agree that clarity is an issue, for two reasons. One, your concepts aren't maintained through paragraphs, and essentially, the essays Thesis doesn't match with the conclusion, primarily because the Thesis has so much going on. Two, your expression is sometimes excessively verbose for what you are describing, causing you to stray from the initial point of the paragraph and/or make the reader work harder to interpret your ideas.
It is my personal belief that the key to using a powerful vocabulary properly is to write simply; then deliberately employ powerful word choices in specific locations to communicate large amounts of meaning at key points. Not everywhere, just where it is important. I'll be honest, your vocabulary is better than mine (a few words required a Google, I'm an honest man ;)), and your expression is more intense than my chosen writing style. For me, this makes it harder to access your ideas, and if it's tough for me, I imagine it would be at least slightly difficult for a marker too. Of course your ideas are fantastic, but you don't want a marker to work to give you marks. You want to make it easy on them.
So, two ideas to fix clarity. One, I want you to go through every sentence and ask yourself, does this directly link to the first sentence in my paragraph? Not subtle, explicit, is the link OBVIOUS to the reader? If not, then rework it until it is! Ensure everything links back directly to the main idea of the paragraph, and then, ensure each paragraph intro and conclusion links explicitly to your Thesis, clarity through consistency ;D
Then, rework your Thesis. Give me one big sentence at the start that introduces what you want to discuss, then introduce nothing new. No "as well as" or "in addition to", just more detail on that one idea. That will give you focus in the Thesis which will follow through ;D
Expression is trickier; it just comes with brutal honesty with yourself. Is what you've written the simplest way to say what you want to say without losing meaning? That's what you want, all the meaning in the simplest way possible! Word choice will be an effective way to communicate complex ideas more quickly, but for identifying techniques, linking to the audience, etc, the expression can be much more simple.
I hope this feedback helps! Of course more general stuff is threaded through the essay in bold, let me know if you have any questions ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 03:02:04 am
Hey :)
I was wondering if you would be able to have a look at my AOS essay. I would love it if you could mark harshly and let me know what I should change/improve. I have read a few of your posts and comments about making your analysis audience focussed. Do I do this enough, and if not, how should I incorporate it into my analysis. I am planning on memorising this essay for my trials next week. Do you have any suggestions on how I should manipulate this essay and my thesis to the exam essay question?
Thanks so much for this opportunity to mark my essay :)
Hey Angie! Sure thing, the essay is attached with comments in bold!
Oh, and I know there are people who question why this marking service is a public resource. Beyond keeping my schedule safe (though I am marking at 2:30am, so that's gone anyway ;)):
I have read a few of your posts and comments about making your analysis audience focussed. Do I do this enough, and if not, how should I incorporate it into my analysis?
That is why it is public. Because by posting and getting feedback, you are also helping others address weaknesses in their own writing. So good on you guys ;D
Spoiler
Discovery has the potential to challenge or affirm beliefs about the human experience and the world
The confronting and provocative process of discovery has the potential to transform an individual’s perception towards the human experience and the world. However, the extent of the impact is influenced by the willingness of the individual to embrace their discovery. Fantastic Thesis, clever and effective. Ivan O’Mahoney’s documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ (2011) (“Go Back…”) explores the physical and emotional ramifications of a reverse refugee journey on representative participants. Peter Skrzynecki’s poetry “Crossing the Red Sea” and “Leaving Home” similarly examines the significant impacts of discovery upon refugees fleeing war-torn Europe. Both texts invite the responder to experience the intensely meaningfully journey of discovery that affirms or challenges an individual’s imbedded beliefs. Great introduction, works very well, only thing I'd add is a list of what your paragraphs will be discussing in terms of themes!
The transformation of an individual’s beliefs may be stimulated by an environment that impels discovery. Great conceptual start! O’Mahoney’s documentary opens with a pastiche of archival news footage and comments from politicians to “stop the boats”, representing the society’s view towards the “issue that divides a nation,” juxtaposing with the editorial cut to emotional and polarising footage of a sinking refugee boat. Excellent, but perhaps a tad too long a sentence? This provides factual, contextual information about the circumstance that stimulates the necessity of discovery whilst foreshadowing the documentary/reality tv’s purpose to evoke empathy among the audience. Excellent, audience focused analysis here! The platform for each of the participant’s discoveries is introduced through indirect interviews, allowing the responder to identify with the political ideologies of a participant and experience their discoveries. Raye’s harsh belief in her superior identity is encapsulated in an establishing low angle shot where she states in an aggressive tone: “I could’ve gone over with a gun and shot the lot of them [asylum seekers]…” Reword that sentence slightly to say the director CHOOSES that shot to accentuate her viewpoint, just to keep the focus on the techniques and the composer. The documentary/reality tv hybrid evokes injustice and irony through the mise-en-scene of her expansive farm, juxtaposing with the refugees who are imprisoned in the Denverbrackie detention centre next door. Slightly retell here. This positions the audience to identify her as a hypocritical and xenophobic representation of society’s increasing resentment towards asylum seekers. And immediately redeemed ;) Similarly, in “Crossing the Red Sea”, the persona’s exile from Poland after WWII initiates the necessity for discovery. Try to avoid retell even when introducing a text. It's not the persona's exile that communicates Discovery after all, it is Skrzynecki's techniques! The negative red imagery: “Blood leaves similar dark stains…rusted irons”, allows the audience to visualise the suffering of the immigrants which functions as a platform for their journey to freedom. They escape as “Neither masters nor slaves/As we crossed a sea”. The collective pronoun “we” and the juxtaposition of “masters” and “slaves” suggests the collective need to flee which ultimately leads to a journey of discovery. Thus, an individual’s personal context and environment stimulates discoveries that may affirm or challenge their perspectives. A great paragraph, you are definitely hammering the audience stuff home which is great! You are retelling a little bit though, be careful, and ensure that your first sentence permeates through the paragraph! It got a little lost along the way for me.
The confronting nature of discovery may challenge an individual’s perception towards themselves and others. Raye’s personal and emotive interaction with the Masudi family in the Kakuma Refugee Camp allowed her to “see” rather than “look” at the sufferings of the refugees. By using a 'character' (albeit real) from the text, you set up a section based on retell. Avoid! Her transformed perception that “if [improving the life of my children] meant getting on a boat I would probably go ahead and do it,” is reinforced through the visual metaphor of the setting sun. This symbolises the end of Raye’s original, parochial view towards refugees whilst the inevitability of the rising of a new day parallels her newfound enlightenment and compassionate identity. This is good stuff, you just need to frame it in a more conceptual light, talk about how the composer epitomises these changes! Similarly, Adam’s physical experience working with the Chin refugees challenges his initial belief of refugees as “criminals.” His empathetic discovery that “At home, guys labouring have got a pay cheque to go to…These guys have got nothing” is reflected through the emotional non diegetic music. What is the fact on the audience? Furthermore, the long shot of him working in the fields demonstrates the stark contrast between his privileged life on the shore of Cronulla. Shifting towards retell a little bit here. This manipulated the responder to reflect on their own fortunate life and evoke a sense of empathy towards refugees. Ensure all analysis is done in present tense ("manipulateS"). Skrzynecki’s similarly conveys how discovery can transform an individual’s beliefs. At the beginning, the persona’s belief that “The sea’s breath touched the eyes of another Lazarus” employs biblical allusion to indicate his belief in the salvation and resurrection that his migrant journey will lead to. This juxtaposes the metaphor at the end of the poem “blood rimmed horizon beyond whose waters the equator was still to be crossed” where the future is compared with “blood”, highlighting the persona’s discovery of the dangers and suffering endured in the journey to seek freedom and safety. Audience impact? What do we therefore learn about confronting discoveries? Therefore, discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and the world. As above, check your first sentence and then your conclusion in this paragraph. They don't quite match, indicating your conceptual focus has been lost somewhere amongst your examples. I did this a lot in the HSC, be careful!
Discoveries, as well as a resistance to discovery, may also affirm an individual’s belief. Gleny enters the social experiment with an optimism that her experiences will reinforce her perspective that Australia has the “capacity to take more refugees.” Retell. Her views are affirmed by her discoveries of the inhumane conditions the refugees endure throughout the journey. Gleny’s rhetorical question during her reflection at the end of the series: “Why wouldn’t one person take the opportunity to jump on a boat and save their family?” challenges the responder to undertake a more compassionate view towards asylum seekers whilst the zoom in on her face convinces the viewer to adopt her perspective. Perfect audience link! However, you are in an affirming paragraph, shouldn't this have been in the previous section? Contrastingly, Darren’s refusal to accept his discoveries results in the affirmation of his initial belief that “I’m not going to call them queue jumpers anymore, probably system dodgers.” The diegetic laughing and panning shot of the other participants satirises Darren’s unwillingness to be ideologically receptive to his experiences, manipulating the responder to depart from his views. Awesome. In “Crossing the Red Sea,” the persona’s journey of discovery reaffirmed and reconnected him with his traditional identity. Retell. He is reminded of his Polish heritage through the repeated red motif “red banners” and “red poppies”, representing the colour of the Polish flag and his cultural heritage. See below for an example of abstracting your analysis.However, in “Leaving Home,” the persona adamantly refuses to embrace his job relocation employing a cynical and satiric tone “I waited three hours for a two-minute interview” to reveal his frustration. His journey of discovery to the new destination reaffirms his initial attitude where the metaphor at the end of the poem “Their naked, hairless bodies the colour of sour milk” allows the responder to consider the continuation of his negative attitude. Thus, discoveries can also reaffirm an individual’s initial values. This one is better, though I'm still noticing a fair bit of retell.
In conclusion, the confronting and emotional process of discovery allows an individual to gain greater knowledge and understanding of the human experience and the world, resulting in the affirmation of transformation of their perspective. Both ‘Go Back’ and Skrzynecki’s poetry explore how the migrant experience allows an individual to discover their identity, how hope during the refugee process encourages discovery, and how discovery of the truth results in a transformed perception towards the controversial issue. Both texts encapsulate the experiences and impact of a migrant journey and encourage their audience reconsider their position and initial prejudices towards the issue of refugees. A solid conclusion! Ticks the boxes, texts re-introduced, very strong links to question and Thesis re-stated. Awesome!
The confronting and provocative process of discovery has the potential to transform an individual’s perception towards the human experience and the world. However, the extent of the impact is influenced by the willingness of the individual to embrace their discovery. Fantastic Thesis, clever and effective. Ivan O’Mahoney’s documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ (2011) (“Go Back…”) explores the physical and emotional ramifications of a reverse refugee journey on representative participants. Peter Skrzynecki’s poetry “Crossing the Red Sea” and “Leaving Home” similarly examines the significant impacts of discovery upon refugees fleeing war-torn Europe. Both texts invite the responder to experience the intensely meaningfully journey of discovery that affirms or challenges an individual’s imbedded beliefs. Great introduction, works very well, only thing I'd add is a list of what your paragraphs will be discussing in terms of themes!
The transformation of an individual’s beliefs may be stimulated by an environment that impels discovery. Great conceptual start! O’Mahoney’s documentary opens with a pastiche of archival news footage and comments from politicians to “stop the boats”, representing the society’s view towards the “issue that divides a nation,” juxtaposing with the editorial cut to emotional and polarising footage of a sinking refugee boat. Excellent, but perhaps a tad too long a sentence? This provides factual, contextual information about the circumstance that stimulates the necessity of discovery whilst foreshadowing the documentary/reality tv’s purpose to evoke empathy among the audience. Excellent, audience focused analysis here! The platform for each of the participant’s discoveries is introduced through indirect interviews, allowing the responder to identify with the political ideologies of a participant and experience their discoveries. Raye’s harsh belief in her superior identity is encapsulated in an establishing low angle shot where she states in an aggressive tone: “I could’ve gone over with a gun and shot the lot of them [asylum seekers]…” Reword that sentence slightly to say the director CHOOSES that shot to accentuate her viewpoint, just to keep the focus on the techniques and the composer. The documentary/reality tv hybrid evokes injustice and irony through the mise-en-scene of her expansive farm, juxtaposing with the refugees who are imprisoned in the Denverbrackie detention centre next door. Slightly retell here. This positions the audience to identify her as a hypocritical and xenophobic representation of society’s increasing resentment towards asylum seekers. And immediately redeemed ;) Similarly, in “Crossing the Red Sea”, the persona’s exile from Poland after WWII initiates the necessity for discovery. Try to avoid retell even when introducing a text. It's not the persona's exile that communicates Discovery after all, it is Skrzynecki's techniques! The negative red imagery: “Blood leaves similar dark stains…rusted irons”, allows the audience to visualise the suffering of the immigrants which functions as a platform for their journey to freedom. They escape as “Neither masters nor slaves/As we crossed a sea”. The collective pronoun “we” and the juxtaposition of “masters” and “slaves” suggests the collective need to flee which ultimately leads to a journey of discovery. Thus, an individual’s personal context and environment stimulates discoveries that may affirm or challenge their perspectives. A great paragraph, you are definitely hammering the audience stuff home which is great! You are retelling a little bit though, be careful, and ensure that your first sentence permeates through the paragraph! It got a little lost along the way for me.
The confronting nature of discovery may challenge an individual’s perception towards themselves and others. Raye’s personal and emotive interaction with the Masudi family in the Kakuma Refugee Camp allowed her to “see” rather than “look” at the sufferings of the refugees. By using a 'character' (albeit real) from the text, you set up a section based on retell. Avoid! Her transformed perception that “if [improving the life of my children] meant getting on a boat I would probably go ahead and do it,” is reinforced through the visual metaphor of the setting sun. This symbolises the end of Raye’s original, parochial view towards refugees whilst the inevitability of the rising of a new day parallels her newfound enlightenment and compassionate identity. This is good stuff, you just need to frame it in a more conceptual light, talk about how the composer epitomises these changes! Similarly, Adam’s physical experience working with the Chin refugees challenges his initial belief of refugees as “criminals.” His empathetic discovery that “At home, guys labouring have got a pay cheque to go to…These guys have got nothing” is reflected through the emotional non diegetic music. What is the fact on the audience? Furthermore, the long shot of him working in the fields demonstrates the stark contrast between his privileged life on the shore of Cronulla. Shifting towards retell a little bit here. This manipulated the responder to reflect on their own fortunate life and evoke a sense of empathy towards refugees. Ensure all analysis is done in present tense ("manipulateS"). Skrzynecki’s similarly conveys how discovery can transform an individual’s beliefs. At the beginning, the persona’s belief that “The sea’s breath touched the eyes of another Lazarus” employs biblical allusion to indicate his belief in the salvation and resurrection that his migrant journey will lead to. This juxtaposes the metaphor at the end of the poem “blood rimmed horizon beyond whose waters the equator was still to be crossed” where the future is compared with “blood”, highlighting the persona’s discovery of the dangers and suffering endured in the journey to seek freedom and safety. Audience impact? What do we therefore learn about confronting discoveries? Therefore, discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and the world. As above, check your first sentence and then your conclusion in this paragraph. They don't quite match, indicating your conceptual focus has been lost somewhere amongst your examples. I did this a lot in the HSC, be careful!
Discoveries, as well as a resistance to discovery, may also affirm an individual’s belief. Gleny enters the social experiment with an optimism that her experiences will reinforce her perspective that Australia has the “capacity to take more refugees.” Retell. Her views are affirmed by her discoveries of the inhumane conditions the refugees endure throughout the journey. Gleny’s rhetorical question during her reflection at the end of the series: “Why wouldn’t one person take the opportunity to jump on a boat and save their family?” challenges the responder to undertake a more compassionate view towards asylum seekers whilst the zoom in on her face convinces the viewer to adopt her perspective. Perfect audience link! However, you are in an affirming paragraph, shouldn't this have been in the previous section? Contrastingly, Darren’s refusal to accept his discoveries results in the affirmation of his initial belief that “I’m not going to call them queue jumpers anymore, probably system dodgers.” The diegetic laughing and panning shot of the other participants satirises Darren’s unwillingness to be ideologically receptive to his experiences, manipulating the responder to depart from his views. Awesome. In “Crossing the Red Sea,” the persona’s journey of discovery reaffirmed and reconnected him with his traditional identity. Retell. He is reminded of his Polish heritage through the repeated red motif “red banners” and “red poppies”, representing the colour of the Polish flag and his cultural heritage. See below for an example of abstracting your analysis.However, in “Leaving Home,” the persona adamantly refuses to embrace his job relocation employing a cynical and satiric tone “I waited three hours for a two-minute interview” to reveal his frustration. His journey of discovery to the new destination reaffirms his initial attitude where the metaphor at the end of the poem “Their naked, hairless bodies the colour of sour milk” allows the responder to consider the continuation of his negative attitude. Thus, discoveries can also reaffirm an individual’s initial values. This one is better, though I'm still noticing a fair bit of retell.
In conclusion, the confronting and emotional process of discovery allows an individual to gain greater knowledge and understanding of the human experience and the world, resulting in the affirmation of transformation of their perspective. Both ‘Go Back’ and Skrzynecki’s poetry explore how the migrant experience allows an individual to discover their identity, how hope during the refugee process encourages discovery, and how discovery of the truth results in a transformed perception towards the controversial issue. Both texts encapsulate the experiences and impact of a migrant journey and encourage their audience reconsider their position and initial prejudices towards the issue of refugees. A solid conclusion! Ticks the boxes, texts re-introduced, very strong links to question and Thesis re-stated. Awesome!
You absolutely smash the audience part of your analysis Angie, good on you! That worked really well to make me realise the universal impacts of the concepts, great work ;D
A few comments on things to improve! First of all, you are analysing your text in a very text focused way. This sounds fine right! Except, you will be better and more sophisticated by removing retell, and even taking your analysis away from plots and characters, and shifting it to representational choices made by the composer. Let's look at realistically what that looks like:
He is reminded of his Polish heritage through the repeated red motif “red banners” and “red poppies”, representing the colour of the Polish flag and his cultural heritage.
Becomes:
Skrzynecki's use of the colour red as a motif is symbolic of his own Polish heritage, and communicates how cultural icons such as "red banners" and "red poppies" can heavily influence individual discoveries.
I move OUT of the text and instead focus purely on Skrzynecki's representational choices! Not the persona, but the composer ;D this is a more sophisticated approach that I recommend you try, the best analysis sentences always contain the name of the composer and something that they do to create meaning (technique, form or style) ;D
I also want you to focus on ensuring your topics are held through your entire paragraphs. The concepts did tend to overlap between paragraphs, try and establish a clear extinction and ensure every example links to the audiences belief on the nature of the human experience (the question). Essentially, I think you could answer the question more directly, so keep that in mind too! ;D
Beyond this, smaller issues. A few places where some tidy is needed, but those are the big bits of feedback, let me know if you had any questions ;D
Oh, and the best way to prepare to adapt an essay for an exam is to grab as many past papers as you can and dot point your essays. Write your Thesis, then dot point the quotes/ideas for each paragraph. Ensure you can do this for as many questions as possible to feel prepared, and practice writing lots of introductions. They are the hardest bit to tailor. Practice makes perfect!! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 03:31:17 am
Hey Elyse!!
Could you have a look at my disc essay. I posted one back along long time ago and had it marked by Literally Lauren. Since then, I've changed it a lot for the upcoming trails. I'd be really grateful for any feedback :))
Hey hey! Don't know if I'm a match for Lauren, the beast she is, but I'll give it a go ;) essay attached, comments in bold, you know the drill ;D
Spoiler
Experiences of discoveries are inevitably [thesis]. I like that you leave that blank, leaves you prepared, but be ready to change the entire introduction to suit as well! The multifaceted nature of discoveries, however, implies a variegation of impacts, unique to each individual. At the crux of William’s Shakespeare’s tragicomedy The Tempest (1611), lies an exploration into the power of discoveries to transform an individual, inciting moral change and self growth. Divergently, Edgar Allen Poe’s short story The Tell tale Heart (1843) depicts the negative repercussions of similar discoveries. Nonetheless, both texts demonstrate the potential for discoveries to challenge pre-existing beliefs whilst engendering fresh perspectives and (answer thesis/question). Great Thesis, and it seems you are well prepared to handle anything that comes your way. Good to see!
By challenging pre-existing values, discoveries can catalyse an individual’s self-evolution and personal transformation. Such a notion is exemplified in The Tempest, where from the outset, the eponymous tempest serves as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. Excellent start!! Prospero’s antagonistic characterisation, highlighted through the foil of Miranda who epitomises “the very virtue of compassion”, mirrors the immorality of Alonso. However unlike Prospero, Alonso is confronted by his moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. This unexpected discovery of the supernatural, coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin” prompts Alonso to acknowledge his guilt and repent, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. These sentences are heavily 'retell' in nature. Although they have techniques, they are just telling me things about the text. As a marker, I'm looking for analysis of ideas, how techniques create meaning!! Ironically, it is through the anthropomorphism of Ariel as he emotively declares “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero realises his own inhumanity and forsakes his desire for retribution, instead choosing to “forgive thy [Alonso] rankest fault”, with the superlative emphasising his newfound compassion. What does this show the audience? Prospero’s self discovery of humanist values constitutes a moral transformation, emphasised by the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance”, as he recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Thus, the Tempest reveals the potential for discoveries to unveil flaws within individuals, laying the foundations for moral growth and transformation. You are approaching your analysis from a very text focused place, which leads to lots of unnecessary retell. Remember, the text is just a composers method of communicating ideas, the composer is pivotal! Your sentences should be "Shakespeare does blah to show blah," not focusing on characters/recount.
Whilst the process of discovery may evoke personal transformations and change, their impact is contingent upon the individual and their attitude towards the discovery. I've always loved this concept! Unlike The Tempest, The Tell Tale Heart is devoid of positive transformations, conversely depicting the mental devolution of a psychopathic murderer, actuated by the self-discovery of his immorality. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat, to manifest the narrator’s internalised guilt and inability to cognise his moral infallibilities. Fantastic, what does this show the audience though, about attitudes towards discovery? Keep the link strong. As such, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!” as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of his actions. Good link between texts there, subtle but appreciated. This self-discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police” is reminiscent of Alonso’s realisation of his depravity. However contrary to Alonso’s contrition, the narrator’s lack of penitence, conveyed by the anaphora in his exclamatory repetitions “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, highlights the individualised nature of discoveries as the narrator, like Antonio and Sebastian, repudiates constructive inner change. Good, took a bit to come to this point but effective nonetheless! Poe’s use of repetition in the climax, as the fictitious heart beats become “Louder! Louder! Louder! Louder!”, conveys how the narrator is ultimately overwhelmed by his discovery, marking his complete and psychotic descent into mental instability. Thus demonstrating to the audience _______. Thus, The Tell Tale Heart serves as a counterpoint to The Tempest, demonstrating the protean ramifications of discoveries. I love that you are playing the texts against each other, and you've backed up your concept well. However, we are still very text focused, and further, I'm looking for more recognition of audience!
Furthermore, discoveries, in challenging pre-existing beliefs and assumptions, may result in augmented knowledge and fresh perspectives. In The Tempest, Shakespeare employs the initial sea voyage as a historical allusion to the ‘Age of Discovery’, vilifying notions of European superiority and ingrained perceptions of colonialism. Caliban’s harsh emotive language “I showed thee all the qualities of the isle...cursed be that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation in the relationship between Prospero and Caliban, master and slave. Remember this isn't Caliban's language, it is Shakespeare's! Caliban is a PUPPET! Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes ethnocentric European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”. Shakespeare creates a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano when they encounter Caliban to reinforce the link between physical discoveries and exploitation. Good! However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. Good audience link, but it remains very text focused, not driven by a concept as would be ideal! The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism which enslaves such noble creatures and preconceived assumptions of European superiority. Therefore Shakespeare’s metatheatrical play, an allegory for 17th Century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audience’s self-discovery by challenging the entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating fresh perspectives of the “New World”. Good conclusion, paragraph wrapped up nicely!
Where discoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity. These are, essentially, the same thing. I'd say they are essentially in agreement (unless this paragraph convinces me otherwise). The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self discovery. Initially the narrator’s attempt to maintain his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “why do you say that I am mad?...is it not clear that I am not mad” produces an antithetical response with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence. Slightly retell (with techniques), don't just use techniques to give more sophistication to recount, it must have a direct link to a Discovery concept specifically. The old man serves as a doppelganger to the narrator, his metaphoric “vulture eye” is symbolic for man’s desire for truth and thus expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity. This confronting realisation challenges his self-perspective, prompting him to murder the “old man”. Perhaps swap this to "our" perspective? Don't neglect the audience! Thus, Poe creates the intentionally anonymous narrator as a surrogate for humanity itself, enlightening the audience to the perverse and impulsive nature of mankind. Fabulous. The audience’s intellectual discovery, facilitates a fresh perspective of the human condition, echoing the challenge to European assumptions of superiority, as Antonio’s ignoble and corrupt nature, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences stand twixt me and Milan”, ironically places him below the “noble savage” Caliban. Thus, the audience’s altered perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discoveries to challenge preconceived beliefs and engender fresh perspectives. Fantastic conclusion there!
Inevitably, the process of discovery entails [thesis]. The Tempest reveals how discoveries may have the potential to facilitate transformations and personal growth. Despite similar processes, the individualised nature discoveries can however, lead to differing ramifications as depicted by The Tell Tale Heart. Nonetheless, both texts reveal how discoveries ultimately represent a challenge to pre-existing values and beliefs, fostering the creation of fresh perspectives and (Thesis).
By challenging pre-existing values, discoveries can catalyse an individual’s self-evolution and personal transformation. Such a notion is exemplified in The Tempest, where from the outset, the eponymous tempest serves as a physical manifestation and symbol of Prospero’s flawed desire for vengeance. Excellent start!! Prospero’s antagonistic characterisation, highlighted through the foil of Miranda who epitomises “the very virtue of compassion”, mirrors the immorality of Alonso. However unlike Prospero, Alonso is confronted by his moral shortcomings through the dramatic device of a vanishing banquet followed by the pagan image of a harpy, symbol for truth and justice. This unexpected discovery of the supernatural, coupled with Ariel’s accusatory tone “you are three men of sin” prompts Alonso to acknowledge his guilt and repent, using the metaphor of a church orchestra to describe the purifying experience where “the thunder, that deep and dreadful organ pipe, pronounced the name of Prosper”. These sentences are heavily 'retell' in nature. Although they have techniques, they are just telling me things about the text. As a marker, I'm looking for analysis of ideas, how techniques create meaning!! Ironically, it is through the anthropomorphism of Ariel as he emotively declares “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero realises his own inhumanity and forsakes his desire for retribution, instead choosing to “forgive thy [Alonso] rankest fault”, with the superlative emphasising his newfound compassion. What does this show the audience? Prospero’s self discovery of humanist values constitutes a moral transformation, emphasised by the antithesis of “virtue” and “vengeance”, as he recognises that “the rarer action is in virtue than in vengeance”. Thus, the Tempest reveals the potential for discoveries to unveil flaws within individuals, laying the foundations for moral growth and transformation. You are approaching your analysis from a very text focused place, which leads to lots of unnecessary retell. Remember, the text is just a composers method of communicating ideas, the composer is pivotal! Your sentences should be "Shakespeare does blah to show blah," not focusing on characters/recount.
Whilst the process of discovery may evoke personal transformations and change, their impact is contingent upon the individual and their attitude towards the discovery. I've always loved this concept! Unlike The Tempest, The Tell Tale Heart is devoid of positive transformations, conversely depicting the mental devolution of a psychopathic murderer, actuated by the self-discovery of his immorality. Throughout the narrative, Poe employs the recurring motif of a heartbeat, to manifest the narrator’s internalised guilt and inability to cognise his moral infallibilities. Fantastic, what does this show the audience though, about attitudes towards discovery? Keep the link strong. As such, Poe effectively heightens dramatic tension, adding emphasis to the epiphany “suddenly, I knew that sound was not in my ears, it was not just inside my head!” as the narrator, like Alonso is confronted by the immorality of his actions. Good link between texts there, subtle but appreciated. This self-discovery, catalysed by symbols of moral righteousness, the “three officers of the police” is reminiscent of Alonso’s realisation of his depravity. However contrary to Alonso’s contrition, the narrator’s lack of penitence, conveyed by the anaphora in his exclamatory repetitions “Why does his heart not stop beating?! Why does it not stop?!”, highlights the individualised nature of discoveries as the narrator, like Antonio and Sebastian, repudiates constructive inner change. Good, took a bit to come to this point but effective nonetheless! Poe’s use of repetition in the climax, as the fictitious heart beats become “Louder! Louder! Louder! Louder!”, conveys how the narrator is ultimately overwhelmed by his discovery, marking his complete and psychotic descent into mental instability. Thus demonstrating to the audience _______. Thus, The Tell Tale Heart serves as a counterpoint to The Tempest, demonstrating the protean ramifications of discoveries. I love that you are playing the texts against each other, and you've backed up your concept well. However, we are still very text focused, and further, I'm looking for more recognition of audience!
Furthermore, discoveries, in challenging pre-existing beliefs and assumptions, may result in augmented knowledge and fresh perspectives. In The Tempest, Shakespeare employs the initial sea voyage as a historical allusion to the ‘Age of Discovery’, vilifying notions of European superiority and ingrained perceptions of colonialism. Caliban’s harsh emotive language “I showed thee all the qualities of the isle...cursed be that I did so” establishes the notion of exploitation in the relationship between Prospero and Caliban, master and slave. Remember this isn't Caliban's language, it is Shakespeare's! Caliban is a PUPPET! Within the imperialist construct, Caliban’s subjugation to the civilised Prospero is justified, where Caliban’s characterisation as a “freckled welp, hag-born...not honoured with human shape” echoes ethnocentric European attitudes towards natives of the “New World”. Shakespeare creates a parody of the colonialist role in the parallel plot of Trinculo and Stephano when they encounter Caliban to reinforce the link between physical discoveries and exploitation. Good! However, through this unexpected encounter, the audience discovers Caliban’s nobility illustrated by the use of iambic pentameter and eloquent language “be not afeared. Good audience link, but it remains very text focused, not driven by a concept as would be ideal! The isle is full of noises, sounds and sweet airs”, which contrasts his previous characterisation. The discovery of Caliban’s true nature forces the audience to question both the morality of colonialism which enslaves such noble creatures and preconceived assumptions of European superiority. Therefore Shakespeare’s metatheatrical play, an allegory for 17th Century European colonisation, intrinsically serves as a catalyst for the audience’s self-discovery by challenging the entrenched ideologies of the “Old world” and facilitating fresh perspectives of the “New World”. Good conclusion, paragraph wrapped up nicely!
Where discoveries in The Tempest challenge widely held assumptions of the world, discoveries in The Tell Tale Heart reshape perspectives on humanity. These are, essentially, the same thing. I'd say they are essentially in agreement (unless this paragraph convinces me otherwise). The psychological horror story, written in the style of dramatic monologue invites the audience to vicariously experience the narrator’s journey of self discovery. Initially the narrator’s attempt to maintain his sanity through repetitive rhetorical questions “why do you say that I am mad?...is it not clear that I am not mad” produces an antithetical response with the repetition of the double negative “not” demonstrating the narrator’s lack of mental coherence. Slightly retell (with techniques), don't just use techniques to give more sophistication to recount, it must have a direct link to a Discovery concept specifically. The old man serves as a doppelganger to the narrator, his metaphoric “vulture eye” is symbolic for man’s desire for truth and thus expedites the constructed discovery of the narrator’s insanity. This confronting realisation challenges his self-perspective, prompting him to murder the “old man”. Perhaps swap this to "our" perspective? Don't neglect the audience! Thus, Poe creates the intentionally anonymous narrator as a surrogate for humanity itself, enlightening the audience to the perverse and impulsive nature of mankind. Fabulous. The audience’s intellectual discovery, facilitates a fresh perspective of the human condition, echoing the challenge to European assumptions of superiority, as Antonio’s ignoble and corrupt nature, evinced by the hyperbole “twenty consciences stand twixt me and Milan”, ironically places him below the “noble savage” Caliban. Thus, the audience’s altered perception of humanity, as facilitated by The Tell Tale Heart, parallels reshaped attitudes towards European superiority and colonialism in The Tempest, reiterating the power of discoveries to challenge preconceived beliefs and engender fresh perspectives. Fantastic conclusion there!
Inevitably, the process of discovery entails [thesis]. The Tempest reveals how discoveries may have the potential to facilitate transformations and personal growth. Despite similar processes, the individualised nature discoveries can however, lead to differing ramifications as depicted by The Tell Tale Heart. Nonetheless, both texts reveal how discoveries ultimately represent a challenge to pre-existing values and beliefs, fostering the creation of fresh perspectives and (Thesis).
You should feel super confident with this diii, it is brilliant. Fantastic concepts, well structured with introduction and conclusion that are nice and adaptable, lots of examples from the text. All excellent! Of course, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't suggest some improvements ;D
First of all, you are analysing your text in a very text focused way. This sounds fine right! Except, you will be better and more sophisticated by removing retell, and even taking your analysis away from plots and characters, and shifting it to representational choices made by the composer.
Basically, the idea here is that the characters in these texts are puppets. The composer manipulates them to tell a story and communicate ideas, but the characters themselves have no real relevance beyond that. They are puppets, without the composer to make choices they are nothing. This is the idea of effective english analysis. Your characters are puppets, so discussing them is in itself flawed!
Instead, you discuss the composer. Shakespeare's choices, why he made them, and what these choices do to communicate concepts about Discovery to the audience! ;D no retell, and no talking about what we learn about characters either, completely technique focused!! ;D
And there is your second bit of feedback, audience recognition! Texts are composed for an audience, and now we are interpreting the text as a new universal audience. Composers use techniques to give us new ideas, to communicate things TO US through literary devices You must recognise this in your essay by continually referring to what the audience gains from reading the text. If you don't tell the marker of your essay why the text teaches new ideas about concepts, then no good. Be consistent with this as much as is humanly possible!
Shakespeare uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," to demonstrate _______ and this shows the audience _________." Rinse and repeat sentences similar to this, and you'll remove retell and ensure the audience is mentioned: Win win ;)
So those are the main two; trimming retell and taking a more abstract stance with the composer, and then accentuating audience impact. Also be sure, whatever your question, you answer it well. That's your big danger when memorising.
All that said, there smaller comments throughout for you to read when you are ready, and please let me know if you have any questions!! ;D
It's now 3:30am, why the hell am I marking at this hour, I must be a glutton for punishment ::)
Post by: Spencerr on July 26, 2016, 10:23:13 am
Thank you so much for marking it! Especially so quickly haha.
I've been having this retell problem mostly in AOS because how I see it is the plot itself shows the discovery. I'm just unsure on how composers can use techniques to represent discovery. Would you be able to give me an example of how I can change retell into analysis and representation choices
(essentially, I'm finding it hard to link techniques and their effect to discovery, so I've ended up using the plot and characters to convey discovery)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 11:34:48 am
Hey Jamon
Thank you so much for marking it! Especially so quickly haha.
I've been having this retell problem mostly in AOS because how I see it is the plot itself shows the discovery. I'm just unsure on how composers can use techniques to represent discovery. Would you be able to give me an example of how I can change retell into analysis and representation choices
(essentially, I'm finding it hard to link techniques and their effect to discovery, so I've ended up using the plot and characters to convey discovery)
That's all good! Okay, it's a tough thing to get the hang of admittedly. As well as techniques showing Discovery, the plot does show Discovery too, but you need to link to how techniques accentuate this. Its a fine line: Here is an example. Let's take a sentence from your essay and adapt it to analysis of the composers choices, instead of the characters:
Ironically, it is through the anthropomorphism of Ariel as he emotively declares “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero realises his own inhumanity and forsakes his desire for retribution, instead choosing to “forgive thy [Alonso] rankest fault”, with the superlative emphasising his newfound compassion.
So the idea here is to
a) More obviously portray this as Shakespeare's choice, not just something that 'happens' in The Tempest
b) Link more explicitly to the audience
c) Remove retell aspects
I would write the sentence something like this:
Shakespeare's use of anthropomorphism in Ariel's emotive declaration, "your affections would become tender," inspires compassion from his responders as he exemplifies the new-found humanity of the characters, and thus, how individuals can prompt evolution of the self.
Note that this is still slightly retell, but it's a forgivable level, because the focus is on Shakespeare making a representational decision and what it does for us as an audience. And importantly, I take your idea and make it relevant to the audience as a whole!
Here is an example of a completely abstracted, analytical sentence:
Poe's recurring use of a heartbeat motif continuously accentuates the theme of moral infallibility, as responders come to associate the "INSERT A QUOTE HERE FOR EVIDENCE OF HEARTBEAT" with a manifestation of internal guilt, creating a fearful and weary tone.
It's all about audience impact, and making the focus on the composer! I hope this helps you a tad! ;D
Post by: Spencerr on July 26, 2016, 12:35:02 pm
That's all good! Okay, it's a tough thing to get the hang of admittedly. As well as techniques showing Discovery, the plot does show Discovery too, but you need to link to how techniques accentuate this. Its a fine line: Here is an example. Let's take a sentence from your essay and adapt it to analysis of the composers choices, instead of the characters:
Ironically, it is through the anthropomorphism of Ariel as he emotively declares “if you beheld them now, your affections would become tender” that Prospero realises his own inhumanity and forsakes his desire for retribution, instead choosing to “forgive thy [Alonso] rankest fault”, with the superlative emphasising his newfound compassion.
So the idea here is to
a) More obviously portray this as Shakespeare's choice, not just something that 'happens' in The Tempest
b) Link more explicitly to the audience
c) Remove retell aspects
I would write the sentence something like this:
Shakespeare's use of anthropomorphism in Ariel's emotive declaration, "your affections would become tender," inspires compassion from his responders as he exemplifies the new-found humanity of the characters, and thus, how individuals can prompt evolution of the self.
Note that this is still slightly retell, but it's a forgivable level, because the focus is on Shakespeare making a representational decision and what it does for us as an audience. And importantly, I take your idea and make it relevant to the audience as a whole!
Here is an example of a completely abstracted, analytical sentence:
Poe's recurring use of a heartbeat motif continuously accentuates the theme of moral infallibility, as responders come to associate the "INSERT A QUOTE HERE FOR EVIDENCE OF HEARTBEAT" with a manifestation of internal guilt, creating a fearful and weary tone.
It's all about audience impact, and making the focus on the composer! I hope this helps you a tad! ;D
Thanks for clarifying! Yup definitely helps alot more :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 26, 2016, 04:45:57 pm
Hi, can i please get feedback for my AOS essay?
Hi there! I think that since you were here last, we updated the marking policy :) You can read more about it in the link in my signature below! Essentially, you have to make five ATAR Notes posts in order to get a piece of work marked :) So 5 posts = one piece of your work marked. :)
Post by: liiz on July 26, 2016, 08:52:31 pm
Hey liiz! I'd be happy too, but you've had 3 essays marked already, you need 20 posts to qualify for another set of feedback, sorry!! Let me know when you hit it and I'll add it to my list ;)Hey Jamon, no worries - I hit up that chemistry forum and now have my posts up to 20!! Thanks so much :)
Post by: angiezhang9 on July 26, 2016, 09:03:13 pm
Hey Angie! Sure thing, the essay is attached with comments in bold!
Oh, and I know there are people who question why this marking service is a public resource. Beyond keeping my schedule safe (though I am marking at 2:30am, so that's gone anyway ;)):
That is why it is public. Because by posting and getting feedback, you are also helping others address weaknesses in their own writing. So good on you guys ;DSpoilerDiscovery has the potential to challenge or affirm beliefs about the human experience and the world
The confronting and provocative process of discovery has the potential to transform an individual’s perception towards the human experience and the world. However, the extent of the impact is influenced by the willingness of the individual to embrace their discovery. Fantastic Thesis, clever and effective. Ivan O’Mahoney’s documentary series ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’ (2011) (“Go Back…”) explores the physical and emotional ramifications of a reverse refugee journey on representative participants. Peter Skrzynecki’s poetry “Crossing the Red Sea” and “Leaving Home” similarly examines the significant impacts of discovery upon refugees fleeing war-torn Europe. Both texts invite the responder to experience the intensely meaningfully journey of discovery that affirms or challenges an individual’s imbedded beliefs. Great introduction, works very well, only thing I'd add is a list of what your paragraphs will be discussing in terms of themes!
The transformation of an individual’s beliefs may be stimulated by an environment that impels discovery. Great conceptual start! O’Mahoney’s documentary opens with a pastiche of archival news footage and comments from politicians to “stop the boats”, representing the society’s view towards the “issue that divides a nation,” juxtaposing with the editorial cut to emotional and polarising footage of a sinking refugee boat. Excellent, but perhaps a tad too long a sentence? This provides factual, contextual information about the circumstance that stimulates the necessity of discovery whilst foreshadowing the documentary/reality tv’s purpose to evoke empathy among the audience. Excellent, audience focused analysis here! The platform for each of the participant’s discoveries is introduced through indirect interviews, allowing the responder to identify with the political ideologies of a participant and experience their discoveries. Raye’s harsh belief in her superior identity is encapsulated in an establishing low angle shot where she states in an aggressive tone: “I could’ve gone over with a gun and shot the lot of them [asylum seekers]…” Reword that sentence slightly to say the director CHOOSES that shot to accentuate her viewpoint, just to keep the focus on the techniques and the composer. The documentary/reality tv hybrid evokes injustice and irony through the mise-en-scene of her expansive farm, juxtaposing with the refugees who are imprisoned in the Denverbrackie detention centre next door. Slightly retell here. This positions the audience to identify her as a hypocritical and xenophobic representation of society’s increasing resentment towards asylum seekers. And immediately redeemed ;) Similarly, in “Crossing the Red Sea”, the persona’s exile from Poland after WWII initiates the necessity for discovery. Try to avoid retell even when introducing a text. It's not the persona's exile that communicates Discovery after all, it is Skrzynecki's techniques! The negative red imagery: “Blood leaves similar dark stains…rusted irons”, allows the audience to visualise the suffering of the immigrants which functions as a platform for their journey to freedom. They escape as “Neither masters nor slaves/As we crossed a sea”. The collective pronoun “we” and the juxtaposition of “masters” and “slaves” suggests the collective need to flee which ultimately leads to a journey of discovery. Thus, an individual’s personal context and environment stimulates discoveries that may affirm or challenge their perspectives. A great paragraph, you are definitely hammering the audience stuff home which is great! You are retelling a little bit though, be careful, and ensure that your first sentence permeates through the paragraph! It got a little lost along the way for me.
The confronting nature of discovery may challenge an individual’s perception towards themselves and others. Raye’s personal and emotive interaction with the Masudi family in the Kakuma Refugee Camp allowed her to “see” rather than “look” at the sufferings of the refugees. By using a 'character' (albeit real) from the text, you set up a section based on retell. Avoid! Her transformed perception that “if [improving the life of my children] meant getting on a boat I would probably go ahead and do it,” is reinforced through the visual metaphor of the setting sun. This symbolises the end of Raye’s original, parochial view towards refugees whilst the inevitability of the rising of a new day parallels her newfound enlightenment and compassionate identity. This is good stuff, you just need to frame it in a more conceptual light, talk about how the composer epitomises these changes! Similarly, Adam’s physical experience working with the Chin refugees challenges his initial belief of refugees as “criminals.” His empathetic discovery that “At home, guys labouring have got a pay cheque to go to…These guys have got nothing” is reflected through the emotional non diegetic music. What is the fact on the audience? Furthermore, the long shot of him working in the fields demonstrates the stark contrast between his privileged life on the shore of Cronulla. Shifting towards retell a little bit here. This manipulated the responder to reflect on their own fortunate life and evoke a sense of empathy towards refugees. Ensure all analysis is done in present tense ("manipulateS"). Skrzynecki’s similarly conveys how discovery can transform an individual’s beliefs. At the beginning, the persona’s belief that “The sea’s breath touched the eyes of another Lazarus” employs biblical allusion to indicate his belief in the salvation and resurrection that his migrant journey will lead to. This juxtaposes the metaphor at the end of the poem “blood rimmed horizon beyond whose waters the equator was still to be crossed” where the future is compared with “blood”, highlighting the persona’s discovery of the dangers and suffering endured in the journey to seek freedom and safety. Audience impact? What do we therefore learn about confronting discoveries? Therefore, discoveries can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and the world. As above, check your first sentence and then your conclusion in this paragraph. They don't quite match, indicating your conceptual focus has been lost somewhere amongst your examples. I did this a lot in the HSC, be careful!
Discoveries, as well as a resistance to discovery, may also affirm an individual’s belief. Gleny enters the social experiment with an optimism that her experiences will reinforce her perspective that Australia has the “capacity to take more refugees.” Retell. Her views are affirmed by her discoveries of the inhumane conditions the refugees endure throughout the journey. Gleny’s rhetorical question during her reflection at the end of the series: “Why wouldn’t one person take the opportunity to jump on a boat and save their family?” challenges the responder to undertake a more compassionate view towards asylum seekers whilst the zoom in on her face convinces the viewer to adopt her perspective. Perfect audience link! However, you are in an affirming paragraph, shouldn't this have been in the previous section? Contrastingly, Darren’s refusal to accept his discoveries results in the affirmation of his initial belief that “I’m not going to call them queue jumpers anymore, probably system dodgers.” The diegetic laughing and panning shot of the other participants satirises Darren’s unwillingness to be ideologically receptive to his experiences, manipulating the responder to depart from his views. Awesome. In “Crossing the Red Sea,” the persona’s journey of discovery reaffirmed and reconnected him with his traditional identity. Retell. He is reminded of his Polish heritage through the repeated red motif “red banners” and “red poppies”, representing the colour of the Polish flag and his cultural heritage. See below for an example of abstracting your analysis.However, in “Leaving Home,” the persona adamantly refuses to embrace his job relocation employing a cynical and satiric tone “I waited three hours for a two-minute interview” to reveal his frustration. His journey of discovery to the new destination reaffirms his initial attitude where the metaphor at the end of the poem “Their naked, hairless bodies the colour of sour milk” allows the responder to consider the continuation of his negative attitude. Thus, discoveries can also reaffirm an individual’s initial values. This one is better, though I'm still noticing a fair bit of retell.
In conclusion, the confronting and emotional process of discovery allows an individual to gain greater knowledge and understanding of the human experience and the world, resulting in the affirmation of transformation of their perspective. Both ‘Go Back’ and Skrzynecki’s poetry explore how the migrant experience allows an individual to discover their identity, how hope during the refugee process encourages discovery, and how discovery of the truth results in a transformed perception towards the controversial issue. Both texts encapsulate the experiences and impact of a migrant journey and encourage their audience reconsider their position and initial prejudices towards the issue of refugees. A solid conclusion! Ticks the boxes, texts re-introduced, very strong links to question and Thesis re-stated. Awesome!
You absolutely smash the audience part of your analysis Angie, good on you! That worked really well to make me realise the universal impacts of the concepts, great work ;D
A few comments on things to improve! First of all, you are analysing your text in a very text focused way. This sounds fine right! Except, you will be better and more sophisticated by removing retell, and even taking your analysis away from plots and characters, and shifting it to representational choices made by the composer. Let's look at realistically what that looks like:
He is reminded of his Polish heritage through the repeated red motif “red banners” and “red poppies”, representing the colour of the Polish flag and his cultural heritage.
Becomes:
Skrzynecki's use of the colour red as a motif is symbolic of his own Polish heritage, and communicates how cultural icons such as "red banners" and "red poppies" can heavily influence individual discoveries.
I move OUT of the text and instead focus purely on Skrzynecki's representational choices! Not the persona, but the composer ;D this is a more sophisticated approach that I recommend you try, the best analysis sentences always contain the name of the composer and something that they do to create meaning (technique, form or style) ;D
I also want you to focus on ensuring your topics are held through your entire paragraphs. The concepts did tend to overlap between paragraphs, try and establish a clear extinction and ensure every example links to the audiences belief on the nature of the human experience (the question). Essentially, I think you could answer the question more directly, so keep that in mind too! ;D
Beyond this, smaller issues. A few places where some tidy is needed, but those are the big bits of feedback, let me know if you had any questions ;D
Oh, and the best way to prepare to adapt an essay for an exam is to grab as many past papers as you can and dot point your essays. Write your Thesis, then dot point the quotes/ideas for each paragraph. Ensure you can do this for as many questions as possible to feel prepared, and practice writing lots of introductions. They are the hardest bit to tailor. Practice makes perfect!! ;D
Thank you so much Jamon for your incredible feedback! Your comments about focussing on the audience's discoveries rather than the character's discoveries have really cleared it up for me.
Just a question about my points overlapping, should I choose different points to structure my essays with? How do you suggest choosing points for an essay?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 09:59:57 pm
Hey there, just wondering if someone could please check out my discovery essay. I've found AOS as one of the hardest modules for me some reason so heaps of critical feedback would be awesome!! Thanks so much :)
Thanks for meeting the requirement liiz!! Feedback is below with comments in bold ;D
Spoiler
An individual’s experience of and response to discovery can often enrich their development through the attainment of greater knowledge and renewed perceptions. The significance of such discovery, whether serendipitous or planned, is greatly determined by one’s willingness to embrace it. I've always loved this Thesis, I employed a similar one in my HSC, and it works amazingly! This notion is explored throughout William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest (1610) and Jane Campion’s film The Piano (1993). Both texts elucidate societal constructs within one’s environment as well as aspects of the human condition to be platforms for discoveries. In doing so, composers have been able to reveal their ability to affirm and challenge one’s attitudes and beliefs, deepening audiences understanding of discoveries to be intensely meaningful and transformative. Great Thesis! Works very well, you could add a list of what themes your essay will discuss if you choose.
The development of individuals can be dependent upon their societal contexts, in particular the construction of hierarchies, prompting a discovery and leading to the transformation of one’s perceptions. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, as the ship and passengers are faced with the possibility of death due to the “tempestuous noise of thunder and lighting,” the composer reveals the chaotic circumstance as a platform for discovery. Good start! Conceptually focused, but I'm expecting no more textual retell. That quick run down is all I need. The boatswain’s imperative question, “What care these roarers for the name of king?” explicitly renders the Elizabethan Providential order meaningless. Good contextual question, but it isn't the boatswain's question, it is Shakespeare's! As such, the assumption held by characters as well as audiences of the importance of hierarchy is challenged by means of discovery, ultimately leading to a new perception of societal constructs and personal power. Remove the "characters as well as," remove retell! Contrastingly, Shakespeare also explores how discoveries can affirm one’s beliefs in upholding social constructs, despite their implications for others. This is clear through Prospero’s absolute power, which echoes the attitudes of the Renaissance colonisation period. Try not to use plot elements as evidence, techniques are what you need. Dramatic irony is employed as Prospero, a near anagram of “oppressor,” becomes a perpetrator of abuse and theft himself, regardless of having been unjustly usurped by his brother. This is emphasised in Caliban’s direct and accusatory language “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me.” Again, ensure all techniques are attributed to Shakespeare. By not doing so you are slipping into retell. Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” also affirms the context’s patriarchal attitudes, in spite of the pair discovering their own island away from civilisation. Hence, the development of Prospero as an oppressive character and Miranda’s passivity is reflective of their discoveries which affirm the widely-held attitudes found within the societal context. Therefore, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively explores the notion of discovery as one that may challenge or assert one’s perspective, influencing an individual’s course to renewed understandings and further development. Great ideas in this paragraph, but you need to step away from the retell a bit and ensure all techniques are attributed to the composer, not the character!
The social hierarchy and norms within one’s environment also influences the nature of discovery in Campion’s film The Piano, to be thought-provoking and intensely meaningful. The discovery of hegemonic patriarchal forces results in Ada’s self-imposed muteness, as her non-diegetic voiceover clarifies for audiences that “the voice you hear is… my mind’s voice.” Retell, but I'm happy with how you are linking in the audience frequently. Furthermore, Campion’s hallucinatory blurred angle shots and restrictive corset costuming convey Ada’s overwhelming sense of isolation and entrapment within the Victorian context. Better! In doing so, Campion enables Ada’s environment to prompt a transformative discovery. What does the audience learn as a result here? Be sure to link explicitly to our new understandings ;D Wide angle shots of Ada stumbling across Baine’s wooden-hut amongst the vibrant, light-filled forest foreshadows her unexpected discovery of an equal, caring relationship with him. Through this discovery, Ada’s former attitude of passivity is confronted, unlike Miranda’s in The Tempest, and her desire for emancipation from the debilitating societal constructs society is formulated. Nice quick link to the other text there, but we are still sitting on the edge of retell. This acts as a strong juxtaposition to Ada’s initial relationship with Stewart, whose confined house among withered trees reflected his superiority to Ada. In a similar way to Shakespeare’s oeuvre, Campion’s film conveys that discoveries which can be prompted by social contexts can challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs, creating new perspectives and aiding in one’s personal development. You have excellent techniques in this paragraph, great ideas, but you are discussing them in a very text focused way. Bordering on retell, you are explaining the impacts on characters and the text itself: Not what we the audience learn about Discovery! Be sure to link to what WE learn, what WE understand.
An intensely meaningful and transformative discovery can also be triggered by the human experience, leading to an individual’s growth by means of a new understanding. This is evident within The Tempest when Prospero’s all-consuming revenge shifts in the final act. Retell. His discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness is driven by Ariel’s evocative tone, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” Retell. As Prospero’s “purpose doth extend a frown further,” the fricative consonants and truncated sentence elucidates the harsh realisation of his own inhumanity. Thus showing the audience? The aphorism “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance” is utilised to reinforce Prospero’s reevaluation of mercy and compassion. As such, Prospero’s character development is owed to experiencing a discovery of his own infallibility which subsequently challenged his previous attitude of revenge. Retell. Alonso rediscovers his relationship with Prospero and similarly acknowledges his past wrongs. Retell. His ability to mend his relationship with Prospero is facilitated through a transformed outlook on the past through the events of the present. Retell. The reflective tone of Prospero, “Let us burthen our remembrance with a heaviness that’s gone” captures his recognition and understanding of Alonso’s regret. Retell. Hence, readers are able to extend their understanding of discovery to be one which can stimulate renewed perceptions about ourselves and those around us. As such, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively communicates the notion of discovery and the way in which it can facilitate the development of individuals and the attainment of greater knowledge. Effective conclusion, but this paragraph was heavily focused on retell. Little extrapolation on ideas, and no connection to the audience.
Discoveries can encourage a new understanding of oneself by means of challenging and affirming one’s perspective. Campion’s film corresponds to The Tempest by exploring this notion of discovery through the protagonist's experience of and response to her self discovery. The plaintive score and slow-motion underwater cinematography heighten the suspense of Ada’s reckless suicide attempt, evoking distress from audiences and revealing to them the confronting and emotional nature of discovery. That's better!! But what specifically does it reveal about discovery? New understandings through trauma perhaps? The sinking piano represents the weight of Ada’s oppressed past dragging her to her death, as the instrument has become her “coffin.” Use "symbolism" as the proper term here. However, as a close up short suddenly captures Ada disentangling herself as her “will [chooses] life”, demonstrating the power of unexpected discoveries to be intensely meaningful and transformative. Great! This paragraph has upped the standard significantly. Like Prospero “drowns” his magic books which had ruled his actions, Ada’s rejection of the piano signifies that she no longer is dependent on the instrument as her outlet of expression. Retell, don't just use plot elements to prove points! Ada challenges her previous attitude that the piano solely defined her and affirms her desire for freedom and a greater life with Baines, resulting in a new understanding of herself and will to live. Retell. Therefore, Campion’s The Piano illustrates how discovery, evoked by aspects of the human condition, can be profound in its transformation of one’s perceptions and consequently contribute to their personal growth and understanding. Great conclusion!
Discoveries can be avenues for new perspectives and knowledge, by means of challenging and affirming an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. In doing so, one’s development and understanding of themselves and the world can be profoundly enriched if the process of discovery is to be embraced. By means of contextual and literary aspects, Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Campion’s film The Piano have similarly produced texts which focus on the multifarious notion of discovery and it’s ability to be intensely meaningful and transformative. I'd like to see one more sentence here, like, "Thus, both composers effectively demonstrate INSERT LINK TO THESIS AND/OR QUESTION."
The development of individuals can be dependent upon their societal contexts, in particular the construction of hierarchies, prompting a discovery and leading to the transformation of one’s perceptions. In William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, as the ship and passengers are faced with the possibility of death due to the “tempestuous noise of thunder and lighting,” the composer reveals the chaotic circumstance as a platform for discovery. Good start! Conceptually focused, but I'm expecting no more textual retell. That quick run down is all I need. The boatswain’s imperative question, “What care these roarers for the name of king?” explicitly renders the Elizabethan Providential order meaningless. Good contextual question, but it isn't the boatswain's question, it is Shakespeare's! As such, the assumption held by characters as well as audiences of the importance of hierarchy is challenged by means of discovery, ultimately leading to a new perception of societal constructs and personal power. Remove the "characters as well as," remove retell! Contrastingly, Shakespeare also explores how discoveries can affirm one’s beliefs in upholding social constructs, despite their implications for others. This is clear through Prospero’s absolute power, which echoes the attitudes of the Renaissance colonisation period. Try not to use plot elements as evidence, techniques are what you need. Dramatic irony is employed as Prospero, a near anagram of “oppressor,” becomes a perpetrator of abuse and theft himself, regardless of having been unjustly usurped by his brother. This is emphasised in Caliban’s direct and accusatory language “This island’s mine… which thou tak’st from me.” Again, ensure all techniques are attributed to Shakespeare. By not doing so you are slipping into retell. Prospero’s control over Miranda to “obey and be attentive” also affirms the context’s patriarchal attitudes, in spite of the pair discovering their own island away from civilisation. Hence, the development of Prospero as an oppressive character and Miranda’s passivity is reflective of their discoveries which affirm the widely-held attitudes found within the societal context. Therefore, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively explores the notion of discovery as one that may challenge or assert one’s perspective, influencing an individual’s course to renewed understandings and further development. Great ideas in this paragraph, but you need to step away from the retell a bit and ensure all techniques are attributed to the composer, not the character!
The social hierarchy and norms within one’s environment also influences the nature of discovery in Campion’s film The Piano, to be thought-provoking and intensely meaningful. The discovery of hegemonic patriarchal forces results in Ada’s self-imposed muteness, as her non-diegetic voiceover clarifies for audiences that “the voice you hear is… my mind’s voice.” Retell, but I'm happy with how you are linking in the audience frequently. Furthermore, Campion’s hallucinatory blurred angle shots and restrictive corset costuming convey Ada’s overwhelming sense of isolation and entrapment within the Victorian context. Better! In doing so, Campion enables Ada’s environment to prompt a transformative discovery. What does the audience learn as a result here? Be sure to link explicitly to our new understandings ;D Wide angle shots of Ada stumbling across Baine’s wooden-hut amongst the vibrant, light-filled forest foreshadows her unexpected discovery of an equal, caring relationship with him. Through this discovery, Ada’s former attitude of passivity is confronted, unlike Miranda’s in The Tempest, and her desire for emancipation from the debilitating societal constructs society is formulated. Nice quick link to the other text there, but we are still sitting on the edge of retell. This acts as a strong juxtaposition to Ada’s initial relationship with Stewart, whose confined house among withered trees reflected his superiority to Ada. In a similar way to Shakespeare’s oeuvre, Campion’s film conveys that discoveries which can be prompted by social contexts can challenge an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs, creating new perspectives and aiding in one’s personal development. You have excellent techniques in this paragraph, great ideas, but you are discussing them in a very text focused way. Bordering on retell, you are explaining the impacts on characters and the text itself: Not what we the audience learn about Discovery! Be sure to link to what WE learn, what WE understand.
An intensely meaningful and transformative discovery can also be triggered by the human experience, leading to an individual’s growth by means of a new understanding. This is evident within The Tempest when Prospero’s all-consuming revenge shifts in the final act. Retell. His discovery of the ennobling power of forgiveness is driven by Ariel’s evocative tone, “If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender.” Retell. As Prospero’s “purpose doth extend a frown further,” the fricative consonants and truncated sentence elucidates the harsh realisation of his own inhumanity. Thus showing the audience? The aphorism “the rarer action is in virtue, than in vengeance” is utilised to reinforce Prospero’s reevaluation of mercy and compassion. As such, Prospero’s character development is owed to experiencing a discovery of his own infallibility which subsequently challenged his previous attitude of revenge. Retell. Alonso rediscovers his relationship with Prospero and similarly acknowledges his past wrongs. Retell. His ability to mend his relationship with Prospero is facilitated through a transformed outlook on the past through the events of the present. Retell. The reflective tone of Prospero, “Let us burthen our remembrance with a heaviness that’s gone” captures his recognition and understanding of Alonso’s regret. Retell. Hence, readers are able to extend their understanding of discovery to be one which can stimulate renewed perceptions about ourselves and those around us. As such, Shakespeare’s The Tempest effectively communicates the notion of discovery and the way in which it can facilitate the development of individuals and the attainment of greater knowledge. Effective conclusion, but this paragraph was heavily focused on retell. Little extrapolation on ideas, and no connection to the audience.
Discoveries can encourage a new understanding of oneself by means of challenging and affirming one’s perspective. Campion’s film corresponds to The Tempest by exploring this notion of discovery through the protagonist's experience of and response to her self discovery. The plaintive score and slow-motion underwater cinematography heighten the suspense of Ada’s reckless suicide attempt, evoking distress from audiences and revealing to them the confronting and emotional nature of discovery. That's better!! But what specifically does it reveal about discovery? New understandings through trauma perhaps? The sinking piano represents the weight of Ada’s oppressed past dragging her to her death, as the instrument has become her “coffin.” Use "symbolism" as the proper term here. However, as a close up short suddenly captures Ada disentangling herself as her “will [chooses] life”, demonstrating the power of unexpected discoveries to be intensely meaningful and transformative. Great! This paragraph has upped the standard significantly. Like Prospero “drowns” his magic books which had ruled his actions, Ada’s rejection of the piano signifies that she no longer is dependent on the instrument as her outlet of expression. Retell, don't just use plot elements to prove points! Ada challenges her previous attitude that the piano solely defined her and affirms her desire for freedom and a greater life with Baines, resulting in a new understanding of herself and will to live. Retell. Therefore, Campion’s The Piano illustrates how discovery, evoked by aspects of the human condition, can be profound in its transformation of one’s perceptions and consequently contribute to their personal growth and understanding. Great conclusion!
Discoveries can be avenues for new perspectives and knowledge, by means of challenging and affirming an individual’s previously held attitudes and beliefs. In doing so, one’s development and understanding of themselves and the world can be profoundly enriched if the process of discovery is to be embraced. By means of contextual and literary aspects, Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Campion’s film The Piano have similarly produced texts which focus on the multifarious notion of discovery and it’s ability to be intensely meaningful and transformative. I'd like to see one more sentence here, like, "Thus, both composers effectively demonstrate INSERT LINK TO THESIS AND/OR QUESTION."
This is a really great essay Liiz!! Some incredible ideas and concepts that are clear and well organised, fantastic techniques and textual references, good structure, and a good understanding of Discovery shown! ;D
My main piece of feedback for you concerns textual retell. You are walking a tightrope between recounting the text and analysing it. What you are doing is explaining (very effectively) the impacts on the characters and their experiences of Discovery, and in the process doing a bit of retell! It's a very text focused approach: Not enough recognition given to the relationship between composer and audience. What you should be doing instead is taking a technique, and explaining how Shakespeare (for example) uses it to represent something about Discovery to the audience. You do it really well in this sentence in your final paragraph:
The plaintive score and slow-motion underwater cinematography heighten the suspense of Ada’s reckless suicide attempt, evoking distress from audiences and revealing to them the confronting and emotional nature of discovery.
The only thing I'd change about this is making the explanation of discovery a little more explicit, but see how it's less of a "The character does this and this accentuates this," and more of a, "This technique accentuates this which shows us this." This was the best analytical sentence in the essay, it proves to me that you can do this style of analysis! You just need a bit of polish!! Try exploring with this sentence template:
The composer uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," clearly showing BLAH BLAH as the audience realises BLAH BLAH BLAH.
This sentence does a technique, an explanation of what it shows, and a link to the audience. T, E, A, go to TEA ;)
Really, this is the only bit of big feedback I have, because almost everything else is awesome!! Have a read of my comments, one other thing I'd mention is to ensure your Thesis follows through as you adapt your analysis: I think you could get some more of the individual's role of discovery into your essay to match the second sentence in your Thesis ;D great work!!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 27, 2016, 12:37:52 am
Post by: amandali on July 28, 2016, 08:47:30 am
It is not until the dramatic storm, a symbolic manifestation of chaos but also renewal, which strips away Gwen’s possessions. This reduced her to a vulnerable state which enabled her to see the true happiness of Tom's family developed due to their close bond, despite Tom's impending death and lack of wealth. Thus, this leads her to experience anagnorisis as it enabled her to realise the importance of relationships and become aware of her abrasive and condescension manner that dismantled her relationships. This is demonstrated through Gwen's rhetorical questions in her conversation with Jim, "what do you think of me? You must hate me?..." showing her reflection on self.
Post by: sudodds on July 29, 2016, 01:04:00 am
Spoiler
How do composers show us the power of varied discoveries to transform lives? Refer to your study of the Tempest and TWO related texts
Composers show us the powers of discovery to transform lives in a variety of ways, through geographical, physical, personal and emotional discoveries. Discovery encompasses the experience of discovering or learning something, new, lost or concealed, and can invoke a range of emotions for those involved, sometimes challenging long standing belief and ideas, providing them with a new worldview. These ideas are evident within Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, which explores how the discovery of the hardships of others can influence individuals to alter and transform the way they perceive others and the world around them. This is idea is translated through various literary and theatrical techniques, such as symbolism, imagery, music and juxtaposition, particularly within the contrasting characters of Prospero and Antonio. The concept of discovery is further explored through Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant’s comedy travelogue An Idiot Abroad, and Stephen Chbosky’s coming of age novel The Perks of Being A Wallflower.
Within The Tempest, The Storm in Act I acts as the catalyst for discovery as it enables the physical discovery of the island and the upheaval of the natural social order. At the beginning of the play, Prospero is bitter and vengeful against Alonso and his “false brother”, due to his usurpation as the Duke of Milan by their means. Due to this rage, the opening scene consists of a fierce storm - conjured by Prospero’s magic - that appears to threaten the ship and those on board. The storm is not only an example of pathetic fallacy in terms of Prospero’s rage, but also as the disruption in the natural state of being. The threat of the storm leads to Boatswain taking the commanding role on board, ordering Alonso, Antonio and Gonzalo, who would normally be considered his superiors, to stay below and out of the way. “What cares these roarers for the name of king? To cabin, silence! Trouble us not, ” the tone in which Boatswain dictates these orders is cold, harsh, and most certainly not with the respect and reverence that one would typically use when talking to a king. This concept of the disruption of the social order is also evident within the relationship between contrasting brother’s Prospero and Antonio, as it is considered against the natural order for a brother to turn against a brother, as Antonio did. Therefore, it is evident that disruption caused by the storm led to an inversion of the natural social order, furthering the character’s self-discoveries in terms of their own power and place within the social order. This concept of disrupted normalcy is also evident within Stephen Chbosky’s novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
During The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie’s life is thrown in to turbulence due to the reveal of family secrets, such as his sister’s abuse. Charlie’s discovery of his sister’s abuse at the hands of her boyfriend, whom he witnesses hitting her in the face, remarking that “he was the boy that made mix tapes with themes and hand-coloured covers until he hit my sister,” reinforces to Charlie that people are not always as they appear, revealing a darker side to humanity. The reveal of these secrets, like the storm within the Tempest, act as an upheaval in Charlie’s normal world, and challenge his beliefs about his family and greater society.
Within The Tempest, the Banquet scene acts as a trigger for the recognition and discovery of the effects ones actions have on another. Ariel’s illusory banquet represents the climax of Prospero’s revenge, as Antonio, Alonso, and the other lords are confronted with their crimes of how they did “supplant good Prospero” and sent “him and his innocent child” out to sea. This illusion and the threat of retribution generate remorse within Alonso, as he now believes that the supposed death of his son Ferdinand was punishment for his crime, however Antonio, who is rigidly set in his ways and is not open towards discovery (as contrasted by Prospero) is almost unfazed. The Banquet scene forces the lords to reflect on their passed misdeed and consider the dire consequences of his actions. This is further emphasised through Gonzalo describing them as “desperate: their great guilt, / Like poison given to work a great time after, / Now ‘gins to bite the spirits,” meaning that the guilt is only now starting to sink in, leading them to discover and truly appreciate the hardships that they have caused others, ultimately a transformation of self.
Within The Tempest, music and magic act as enablers of discovery as they enable the creation of an imaginary world that prompts discoveries as it stresses the differences between that world and our own, as well as what is morally valued. This is evident within the Betrothal Masque of Act IV, a celebration and blessing of Ferdinand and Miranda’s love. Prospero summons the magical spirits - Juno, Ceres and Iris - to perform a betrothal masque, which celebrates love and it’s ability to surpass evil and despair, contrasted by the plots and anarchic behaviour of the others on the island. Through the masque, marriage is glorified as both the foundation of society and as part of the natural order of things. However the perfection of the masque does not exist, and is instead an “insubstantial pageant” of Prospero’s power. Despite this, the message of the masque resonates with both the audience and with Prospero, as there is a mutual understanding that the creative re-enactment leads to these transformative discoveries. For the first time, Prospero can fully reveal his true nature, as the audience discovers what Prospero is like without revenge or control motivating his actions. Through this, Shakespeare creates a sense that, even though the play’s major conflict is still unresolved, the world of the play is beginning to heal itself. Through the masque, Prospero discovers and accepts the reality of his ducal responsibilities, therefore the masque, through magic and music, has had a transformative effect on Prospero.
A similar concept is explored through Gervais and Merchant’s travelogue comedy, An Idiot Abroad. Though not an imaginary world, the stark contrast between China and the world that Karl Pilkington is used as “a typical little Englisher who doesn’t like going out of his comfort zone,” act as enablers of discovery, however unlike Prospero, Pilkington does not welcome them. This is evident during his discovery of the Great Wall of China. Presented through actual footage and his own commentary, Pilkington immediately enters the discovery with pessimism. In many instances, Pilkington makes reference to objects and landmarks from his home country; such as describing the wall as a “Wimpey home” and comparing it’s length to the “M6”. This shows that Pilkington is uninterested and unwilling to see the Wall for what it truly signifies (2,220 years of history and culture that people died creating), reducing it to what he already knows, instead of furthering his discovery and possibly changing his views of the culture. Therefore, it is clear that discovery of new worlds, both illusionary and tangible, can enable discovery, however the mentality in which one enters into discovery has a great effect upon it’s transformative power.
Though The Tempest began as a play of revenge, it’s final form and message of forgiveness emphasize the dramatic transformation of the characters due to their discoveries. At the beginning of the play, Prospero was vengeful against his brother Antonio, and Alonso due to their trespasses against him, however within the final scenes, Prospero forgives them despite of this. "The rarer action is / In virtue than in vengeance" Through the betrothal masque, Prospero discovers the importance of tolerance and forgiveness, as in order for Miranda and Ferdinand to have a prosperous and happy marriage; their families need to have the same relationship and stability, and that includes Ferdinand’s father, Alonso. Through this realization, Prospero decides to forgive and improve his relationship with those that wronged him. Though he can never truly transform his trespassers, this act of forgiveness and reconciliation is crucial to Prospero’s transformation as he discovers that he cannot consume himself in revenge, and must instead focus on commonalities in order to effectively rule and take back his dukedom. Therefore, it is evident that Prospero’s discoveries have a powerful transformative effect on him by the end of the play. Antonio, who at the end of the play, refuses to speak to Prospero and make amends, contrasts this. Therefore, it is evident that though many character’s experience transformation by the end of the play, it remains consistent within their attitudes towards discovery.
This idea of the importance of forgiveness in order to heal is also evident within The Perks of Being a Wallflower. By the end of the novel the readers discover that just as Aunt Helen was molested as a child, she molested Charlie. His own discovery of this triggers severe PTSD and anxiety, as Aunt Helen was Charlie’s “favorite person in the whole world,” and through this discovery he is deeply affected as even she betrays his trust. In order to heal and move on with his life, Charlie needs to forgive his Aunt Helen, but more importantly himself. Charlie blamed himself for his Aunt Helen’s death, as it was while buying him an extra Birthday and Christmas present she is involved in a terrible car accident. Through forgiving himself, Charlie is able to relinquish the guilt and achieve emotional stability.
It is evident that discovery is a critical concept within Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, particularly through the contrasting character’s of Antonio and Prospero, as through the play, both characters are challenged by their discoveries, each with the potentional to transform their lives, depending upon how open they were to discovery. This concept of the transformative power of discovery is also evident within related texts, An Idiot Abroad by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and The Perks of Being A Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 29, 2016, 11:22:57 pm
Hey Jamon, I think I've posted an extra 15 times since then and I've spent the last 6 hours working on fixing my discovery essay and I have school tomorrow and i'm praying that what I wrote makes sense at this ungodly hour. Could you check one final time my essay, I've tried as hard as I can to incorporate your feedback and improve :) I havented touched the intro and conclusion, but I've changed all my paragraphs.
P.S. If i don't have enough posts, let me know and I find a way to contribute more.
I'm really glad Elyse put some fresh eyes on your essay, two opinions are better than one after all ;) I just want to personally thank you, because you took every single one of my recommendations on board. Congratulations, the essay was brilliant, be confident heading into Trials, if you can adapt it well to the question then you'll have an absolute winner ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 29, 2016, 11:32:58 pm
Can you have a read through a part of my paragraph for my essay on Away by micheal giow to see if it makes sense?
Hello! Absolutely :)
My comments are in bold ;)
It is not until the dramatic storm, a symbolic manifestation of chaos but also renewal, which strips away Gwen’s possessions. This reduced her to a vulnerable state which enabled her to see the true happiness of Tom's family, (For this sentence to make sense it needs a comma here. developed due to their close bond, despite Tom's impending death and lack of wealth. Thus, this leads her to experience anagnorisis as it enabled her to realise the importance of relationships and become aware of her abrasive and condescension manner that dismantled her relationships. This is demonstrated through Gwen's rhetorical questions in her conversation with Jim, "what do you think of me? You must hate me?..." showing her reflection on self.
This is an area of study paragraph, I believe? For this to be a full paragraph, it needs a topic sentence. So this might be a variant of your main thesis statement that runs through the essay, or it could be a new direction that you want to explore specifically in the paragraph. Typically, each paragraph would have about 3 or 4 pieces of textual evidence, and each would directly linked to discovery. You've definitely talked about discovery, but in an implicit way. Ideally, each piece of textual evidence would relate directly to a type of discovery, cause of discovery or outcome of discovery, which links back to your topic sentence and your main thesis. Your last sentence here ends on a good note, it does that analysis of the textual evidence, but it just needs to be a bit more specific in the approach.
Do you have a main thesis statement that you intend to use for discovery? I'm happy to flesh out an idea with you so that we can tick the "topic sentence" off the list, and then focus on relating each piece of textual evidence to the thesis. You've done an awesome job here, you've got a lot to work with. It's now just about taking it and fleshing out the meat on the bones to make this a really strong paragraph.
Post by: Spencerr on July 29, 2016, 11:57:09 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 30, 2016, 01:36:32 pm
Hi! If you have the time I was wondering if you could check over my AOS Tempest essay :) It's the last essay I need to fix up before trials hahaha to thats good! The last time I had it marked it was 17/20. Thank you!
Hi there! Absolutely can take a look at this for you :) Congratulations! You're on a roll, I bet.
When you're up in the high marks there it can sometimes be hard to improve, because often it will just be a number of small, fussy, structural or stylistic things that add up to a mark. Whereas going from a Band 3 to a Band 4 or 5 might just be a matter of fleshing out the analysis. But ticking into that top band is often very tricky. So long as you are determined to make that happen, you can do it!
As always, my comments are in bold in the spoiler below:
Spoiler
How do composers show us the power of varied discoveries to transform lives? Refer to your study of the Tempest and TWO related texts
Composers show us the powers of discovery to transform lives in a variety of ways, through geographical, physical, personal and emotional discoveries. There's nothing about this thesis statement that is wrong by the books. Although, a common characteristic of the best thesis statements is the absence of the mention of a composer or text, and they avoid listing. The listing of discoveries certainly suits the question being asked (varied discoveries), but I think it has a more suited place as the second sentence. Your current second sentence is a more likely candidate for the introductory sentence, because it is explaining something about discovery, but never mentions the text or composer. I think it's best to switch these two sentences! Discovery encompasses the experience of discovering or learning something, new, lost or concealed, and can invoke a range of emotions for those involved, sometimes challenging long standing belief and ideas, providing them with a new worldview. Here you have taken the approach of loosely defining what discovery is, but in that definition you use the word "discovering." Perhaps word it more similarly to this (please put this into your own words and style, I don't want to be shoving words down your throat that you don't like!): The process of discovery encompasses the experience of realising something new, lost or concealed. This can invoke a range of emotions for those involved in the process, often challenging long standing beliefs and ideas possessed by the individual, thus prompting a renewed world view." All I've done here is just broken up the sentence, and then switched up the language so that you don't sound as though you are repeating yourself when defining discovery. Like I said before I started editing, when you are in the top range, it's the small things like the expression of a thesis that have the capacity to determine a mark. These ideas are evident within Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, which explores how the discovery of the hardships of others can influence individuals to alter and transform the way they perceive others and the world around them. This is idea is translated through various literary and theatrical techniques, such as symbolism, imagery, music and juxtaposition, particularly within the contrasting characters of Prospero and Antonio. Without actually mentioning the techniques, I think you can still do justice to what you will discuss. I'd substitute this sentence for something more like, "Observation of the contrasting characters of Prospero and Antonio reveals the ____ nature of discovery in the text. The concept of discovery is further explored through Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant’s comedy travelogue An Idiot Abroad, and Stephen Chbosky’s coming of age novel The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I think the introduction is a little unbalanced here, because you devote two sentences to the prescribed text, and then deal with two related texts in the one sentence. I'd be more inclined to only deal with Shakespeare in a single sentence, by either removing the Prospero and Antonio comparison, or adding it to the first sentence, and then deal with each of the related texts in a sentence of their own, OR, deal with the two related texts in one sentence, but pair it with a section of the sentence devoted to explaining what they reveal about discovery, exactly like you have when you have introduced Shakespeare's text. Typically, I recommend that the last sentence of your conclusion is similar to your introductory sentence, in that it reflects the main idea of your argument without giving too much detail of the text. I know I've just given a lot of instructions for the introduction, but I think the introduction is what sets the tone for the rest of your essay. I think if you manipulate the introduction to how I have suggested, and then you manipulate it again tor reflect your own style, you'll find that the sophistication of the introduction rises and sets a really good tone to your work!
I also recommend that each paragraph starts with a branch off your main thesis, and like the introductory sentence, should not involve the text. So you're basically writing a sentence that talks about discovery, and then the rest of your paragraph will be your evidence supporting why that sentence is true. Within The Tempest, The Storm in Act I acts as the catalyst for discovery as it enables the physical discovery of the island and the upheaval of the natural social order. At the beginning of the play, Prospero is bitter and vengeful against Alonso and his “false brother”, due to his usurpation as the Duke of Milan by their means. Due to this rage, the opening scene consists of a fierce storm - conjured by Prospero’s magic - that appears to threaten the ship and those on board. The storm is not only an example of pathetic fallacy in terms of Prospero’s rage, but also as the disruption in the natural state of being. I love that you've done a double meaning to this textual reference - that's exactly the kind of sophisticated writing that markers enjoy. The threat of the storm leads to Boatswain taking the commanding role on board, ordering Alonso, Antonio and Gonzalo, who would normally be considered his superiors, to stay below and out of the way. “What cares these roarers for the name of king? To cabin, silence! Trouble us not, ” the tone in which Boatswain dictates these orders is cold, harsh, and most certainly not with the respect and reverence that one would typically use when talking to a king. This concept of the disruption of the social order is also evident within the relationship between contrasting brother’s Prospero and Antonio, as it is considered against the natural order for a brother to turn against a brother, as Antonio did. Therefore, it is evident that disruption caused by the storm led to an inversion of the natural social order, furthering the character’s self-discoveries in terms of their own power and place within the social order. This concept of disrupted normalcy is also evident within Stephen Chbosky’s novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
When you introduce a new text, you can use a new topic sentence that is a branch off the main thesis, like I suggested for the first body paragraph. Or you can use a connecting sentence to kind of link the two. Something like, "The disruption of order in The Tempest has similar ramifications in the Perks of Being a Wall flower, when the family secrets are exposed." Something like this improves the overall sophistication of your work because you're showing that you don't just deal with the texts in isolation, but you are confident enough to draw links between the two. During The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie’s life is thrown in to turbulence due to the reveal of family secrets, such as his sister’s abuse. Charlie’s discovery of his sister’s abuse at the hands of her boyfriend, whom he witnesses hitting her in the face, remarking that “he was the boy that made mix tapes with themes and hand-coloured covers until he hit my sister,” reinforces to Charlie that people are not always as they appear, revealing a darker side to humanity. The reveal of these secrets, like the storm within the Tempest, act as an upheaval in Charlie’s normal world, and challenge his beliefs about his family and greater society.
I'd potentially make this opening sentence something about the way interactions between people can have a cumulative effect on discoveries. Within The Tempest, the Banquet scene acts as a trigger for the recognition and discovery of the effects ones actions have on another. Ariel’s illusory banquet represents the climax of Prospero’s revenge, as Antonio, Alonso, and the other lords are confronted with their crimes of how they did “supplant good Prospero” and sent “him and his innocent child” out to sea. This illusion and the threat of retribution generate remorse within Alonso, as he now believes that the supposed death of his son Ferdinand was punishment for his crime, however Antonio, who is rigidly set in his ways and is not open towards discovery (as contrasted by Prospero) is almost unfazed. The Banquet scene forces the lords to reflect on their passed misdeed and consider the dire consequences of his actions. This is further emphasised through Gonzalo describing them as “desperate: their great guilt, / Like poison given to work a great time after, / Now ‘gins to bite the spirits,” meaning that the guilt is only now starting to sink in, leading them to discover and truly appreciate the hardships that they have caused others, ultimately a transformation of self. Your analysis is awesome, I think you're consistently referring to the discoveries found in the text and that is really important.
Within The Tempest, music and magic act as enablers of discovery as they enable the creation of an imaginary world that prompts discoveries as it stresses the differences between that world and our own, as well as what is morally valued. This is evident within the Betrothal Masque of Act IV, a celebration and blessing of Ferdinand and Miranda’s love. Prospero summons the magical spirits - Juno, Ceres and Iris - to perform a betrothal masque, which celebrates love and it’s ability to surpass evil and despair, contrasted by the plots and anarchic behaviour of the others on the island. Through the masque, marriage is glorified as both the foundation of society and as part of the natural order of things. However the perfection of the masque does not exist, and is instead an “insubstantial pageant” of Prospero’s power. Despite this, the message of the masque resonates with both the audience and with Prospero, as there is a mutual understanding that the creative re-enactment leads to these transformative discoveries. For the first time, Prospero can fully reveal his true nature, as the audience discovers what Prospero is like without revenge or control motivating his actions. Through this, Shakespeare creates a sense that, even though the play’s major conflict is still unresolved, the world of the play is beginning to heal itself. Through the masque, Prospero discovers and accepts the reality of his ducal responsibilities, therefore the masque, through magic and music, has had a transformative effect on Prospero.
A similar concept is explored through Gervais and Merchant’s travelogue comedy, An Idiot Abroad. Though not an imaginary world, the stark contrast between China and the world that Karl Pilkington is used as “a typical little Englisher who doesn’t like going out of his comfort zone,” Great embedded quote!!! act as enablers of discovery, however unlike Prospero, Pilkington does not welcome them. This is evident during his discovery of the Great Wall of China. Presented through actual footage and his own commentary, Pilkington immediately enters the discovery with pessimism. In many instances, Pilkington makes reference to objects and landmarks from his home country; such as describing the wall as a “Wimpey home” and comparing it’s length to the “M6”. This shows that Pilkington is uninterested and unwilling to see the Wall for what it truly signifies (2,220 years of history and culture that people died creating), reducing it to what he already knows, instead of furthering his discovery and possibly changing his views of the culture. Therefore, it is clear that discovery of new worlds, both illusionary and tangible, can enable discovery, however the mentality in which one enters into discovery has a great effect upon it’s transformative power. Yess! Excellent concluding sentence here!
Though The Tempest began as a play of revenge, it’s final form and message of forgiveness emphasize the dramatic transformation of the characters due to their discoveries. At the beginning of the play, Prospero was vengeful against his brother Antonio, and Alonso due to their trespasses against him, however within the final scenes, Prospero forgives them despite of this. "The rarer action is / In virtue than in vengeance" Through the betrothal masque, Prospero discovers the importance of tolerance and forgiveness, as in order for Miranda and Ferdinand to have a prosperous and happy marriage; their families need to have the same relationship and stability, and that includes Ferdinand’s father, Alonso. Through this realization, Prospero decides to forgive and improve his relationship with those that wronged him. Though he can never truly transform his trespassers, this act of forgiveness and reconciliation is crucial to Prospero’s transformation as he discovers that he cannot consume himself in revenge, and must instead focus on commonalities in order to effectively rule and take back his dukedom. Therefore, it is evident that Prospero’s discoveries have a powerful transformative effect on him by the end of the play. Antonio, who at the end of the play, refuses to speak to Prospero and make amends, contrasts this. Therefore, it is evident that though many character’s experience transformation by the end of the play, it remains consistent within their attitudes towards discovery.
This idea of the importance of forgiveness in order to heal is also evident within The Perks of Being a Wallflower. By the end of the novel the readers discover that just as Aunt Helen was molested as a child, she molested Charlie. His own discovery of this triggers severe PTSD and anxiety, as Aunt Helen was Charlie’s “favorite person in the whole world,” and through this discovery he is deeply affected as even she betrays his trust. In order to heal and move on with his life, Charlie needs to forgive his Aunt Helen, but more importantly himself. Charlie blamed himself for his Aunt Helen’s death, as it was while buying him an extra Birthday and Christmas present she is involved in a terrible car accident. Through forgiving himself, Charlie is able to relinquish the guilt and achieve emotional stability.
It is evident that discovery is a critical concept within Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, particularly through the contrasting character’s of Antonio and Prospero, as through the play, both characters are challenged by their discoveries, each with the potentional to transform their lives, depending upon how open they were to discovery. This concept of the transformative power of discovery is also evident within related texts, An Idiot Abroad by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and The Perks of Being A Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky.
Composers show us the powers of discovery to transform lives in a variety of ways, through geographical, physical, personal and emotional discoveries. There's nothing about this thesis statement that is wrong by the books. Although, a common characteristic of the best thesis statements is the absence of the mention of a composer or text, and they avoid listing. The listing of discoveries certainly suits the question being asked (varied discoveries), but I think it has a more suited place as the second sentence. Your current second sentence is a more likely candidate for the introductory sentence, because it is explaining something about discovery, but never mentions the text or composer. I think it's best to switch these two sentences! Discovery encompasses the experience of discovering or learning something, new, lost or concealed, and can invoke a range of emotions for those involved, sometimes challenging long standing belief and ideas, providing them with a new worldview. Here you have taken the approach of loosely defining what discovery is, but in that definition you use the word "discovering." Perhaps word it more similarly to this (please put this into your own words and style, I don't want to be shoving words down your throat that you don't like!): The process of discovery encompasses the experience of realising something new, lost or concealed. This can invoke a range of emotions for those involved in the process, often challenging long standing beliefs and ideas possessed by the individual, thus prompting a renewed world view." All I've done here is just broken up the sentence, and then switched up the language so that you don't sound as though you are repeating yourself when defining discovery. Like I said before I started editing, when you are in the top range, it's the small things like the expression of a thesis that have the capacity to determine a mark. These ideas are evident within Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, which explores how the discovery of the hardships of others can influence individuals to alter and transform the way they perceive others and the world around them. This is idea is translated through various literary and theatrical techniques, such as symbolism, imagery, music and juxtaposition, particularly within the contrasting characters of Prospero and Antonio. Without actually mentioning the techniques, I think you can still do justice to what you will discuss. I'd substitute this sentence for something more like, "Observation of the contrasting characters of Prospero and Antonio reveals the ____ nature of discovery in the text. The concept of discovery is further explored through Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant’s comedy travelogue An Idiot Abroad, and Stephen Chbosky’s coming of age novel The Perks of Being A Wallflower. I think the introduction is a little unbalanced here, because you devote two sentences to the prescribed text, and then deal with two related texts in the one sentence. I'd be more inclined to only deal with Shakespeare in a single sentence, by either removing the Prospero and Antonio comparison, or adding it to the first sentence, and then deal with each of the related texts in a sentence of their own, OR, deal with the two related texts in one sentence, but pair it with a section of the sentence devoted to explaining what they reveal about discovery, exactly like you have when you have introduced Shakespeare's text. Typically, I recommend that the last sentence of your conclusion is similar to your introductory sentence, in that it reflects the main idea of your argument without giving too much detail of the text. I know I've just given a lot of instructions for the introduction, but I think the introduction is what sets the tone for the rest of your essay. I think if you manipulate the introduction to how I have suggested, and then you manipulate it again tor reflect your own style, you'll find that the sophistication of the introduction rises and sets a really good tone to your work!
I also recommend that each paragraph starts with a branch off your main thesis, and like the introductory sentence, should not involve the text. So you're basically writing a sentence that talks about discovery, and then the rest of your paragraph will be your evidence supporting why that sentence is true. Within The Tempest, The Storm in Act I acts as the catalyst for discovery as it enables the physical discovery of the island and the upheaval of the natural social order. At the beginning of the play, Prospero is bitter and vengeful against Alonso and his “false brother”, due to his usurpation as the Duke of Milan by their means. Due to this rage, the opening scene consists of a fierce storm - conjured by Prospero’s magic - that appears to threaten the ship and those on board. The storm is not only an example of pathetic fallacy in terms of Prospero’s rage, but also as the disruption in the natural state of being. I love that you've done a double meaning to this textual reference - that's exactly the kind of sophisticated writing that markers enjoy. The threat of the storm leads to Boatswain taking the commanding role on board, ordering Alonso, Antonio and Gonzalo, who would normally be considered his superiors, to stay below and out of the way. “What cares these roarers for the name of king? To cabin, silence! Trouble us not, ” the tone in which Boatswain dictates these orders is cold, harsh, and most certainly not with the respect and reverence that one would typically use when talking to a king. This concept of the disruption of the social order is also evident within the relationship between contrasting brother’s Prospero and Antonio, as it is considered against the natural order for a brother to turn against a brother, as Antonio did. Therefore, it is evident that disruption caused by the storm led to an inversion of the natural social order, furthering the character’s self-discoveries in terms of their own power and place within the social order. This concept of disrupted normalcy is also evident within Stephen Chbosky’s novel The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
When you introduce a new text, you can use a new topic sentence that is a branch off the main thesis, like I suggested for the first body paragraph. Or you can use a connecting sentence to kind of link the two. Something like, "The disruption of order in The Tempest has similar ramifications in the Perks of Being a Wall flower, when the family secrets are exposed." Something like this improves the overall sophistication of your work because you're showing that you don't just deal with the texts in isolation, but you are confident enough to draw links between the two. During The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie’s life is thrown in to turbulence due to the reveal of family secrets, such as his sister’s abuse. Charlie’s discovery of his sister’s abuse at the hands of her boyfriend, whom he witnesses hitting her in the face, remarking that “he was the boy that made mix tapes with themes and hand-coloured covers until he hit my sister,” reinforces to Charlie that people are not always as they appear, revealing a darker side to humanity. The reveal of these secrets, like the storm within the Tempest, act as an upheaval in Charlie’s normal world, and challenge his beliefs about his family and greater society.
I'd potentially make this opening sentence something about the way interactions between people can have a cumulative effect on discoveries. Within The Tempest, the Banquet scene acts as a trigger for the recognition and discovery of the effects ones actions have on another. Ariel’s illusory banquet represents the climax of Prospero’s revenge, as Antonio, Alonso, and the other lords are confronted with their crimes of how they did “supplant good Prospero” and sent “him and his innocent child” out to sea. This illusion and the threat of retribution generate remorse within Alonso, as he now believes that the supposed death of his son Ferdinand was punishment for his crime, however Antonio, who is rigidly set in his ways and is not open towards discovery (as contrasted by Prospero) is almost unfazed. The Banquet scene forces the lords to reflect on their passed misdeed and consider the dire consequences of his actions. This is further emphasised through Gonzalo describing them as “desperate: their great guilt, / Like poison given to work a great time after, / Now ‘gins to bite the spirits,” meaning that the guilt is only now starting to sink in, leading them to discover and truly appreciate the hardships that they have caused others, ultimately a transformation of self. Your analysis is awesome, I think you're consistently referring to the discoveries found in the text and that is really important.
Within The Tempest, music and magic act as enablers of discovery as they enable the creation of an imaginary world that prompts discoveries as it stresses the differences between that world and our own, as well as what is morally valued. This is evident within the Betrothal Masque of Act IV, a celebration and blessing of Ferdinand and Miranda’s love. Prospero summons the magical spirits - Juno, Ceres and Iris - to perform a betrothal masque, which celebrates love and it’s ability to surpass evil and despair, contrasted by the plots and anarchic behaviour of the others on the island. Through the masque, marriage is glorified as both the foundation of society and as part of the natural order of things. However the perfection of the masque does not exist, and is instead an “insubstantial pageant” of Prospero’s power. Despite this, the message of the masque resonates with both the audience and with Prospero, as there is a mutual understanding that the creative re-enactment leads to these transformative discoveries. For the first time, Prospero can fully reveal his true nature, as the audience discovers what Prospero is like without revenge or control motivating his actions. Through this, Shakespeare creates a sense that, even though the play’s major conflict is still unresolved, the world of the play is beginning to heal itself. Through the masque, Prospero discovers and accepts the reality of his ducal responsibilities, therefore the masque, through magic and music, has had a transformative effect on Prospero.
A similar concept is explored through Gervais and Merchant’s travelogue comedy, An Idiot Abroad. Though not an imaginary world, the stark contrast between China and the world that Karl Pilkington is used as “a typical little Englisher who doesn’t like going out of his comfort zone,” Great embedded quote!!! act as enablers of discovery, however unlike Prospero, Pilkington does not welcome them. This is evident during his discovery of the Great Wall of China. Presented through actual footage and his own commentary, Pilkington immediately enters the discovery with pessimism. In many instances, Pilkington makes reference to objects and landmarks from his home country; such as describing the wall as a “Wimpey home” and comparing it’s length to the “M6”. This shows that Pilkington is uninterested and unwilling to see the Wall for what it truly signifies (2,220 years of history and culture that people died creating), reducing it to what he already knows, instead of furthering his discovery and possibly changing his views of the culture. Therefore, it is clear that discovery of new worlds, both illusionary and tangible, can enable discovery, however the mentality in which one enters into discovery has a great effect upon it’s transformative power. Yess! Excellent concluding sentence here!
Though The Tempest began as a play of revenge, it’s final form and message of forgiveness emphasize the dramatic transformation of the characters due to their discoveries. At the beginning of the play, Prospero was vengeful against his brother Antonio, and Alonso due to their trespasses against him, however within the final scenes, Prospero forgives them despite of this. "The rarer action is / In virtue than in vengeance" Through the betrothal masque, Prospero discovers the importance of tolerance and forgiveness, as in order for Miranda and Ferdinand to have a prosperous and happy marriage; their families need to have the same relationship and stability, and that includes Ferdinand’s father, Alonso. Through this realization, Prospero decides to forgive and improve his relationship with those that wronged him. Though he can never truly transform his trespassers, this act of forgiveness and reconciliation is crucial to Prospero’s transformation as he discovers that he cannot consume himself in revenge, and must instead focus on commonalities in order to effectively rule and take back his dukedom. Therefore, it is evident that Prospero’s discoveries have a powerful transformative effect on him by the end of the play. Antonio, who at the end of the play, refuses to speak to Prospero and make amends, contrasts this. Therefore, it is evident that though many character’s experience transformation by the end of the play, it remains consistent within their attitudes towards discovery.
This idea of the importance of forgiveness in order to heal is also evident within The Perks of Being a Wallflower. By the end of the novel the readers discover that just as Aunt Helen was molested as a child, she molested Charlie. His own discovery of this triggers severe PTSD and anxiety, as Aunt Helen was Charlie’s “favorite person in the whole world,” and through this discovery he is deeply affected as even she betrays his trust. In order to heal and move on with his life, Charlie needs to forgive his Aunt Helen, but more importantly himself. Charlie blamed himself for his Aunt Helen’s death, as it was while buying him an extra Birthday and Christmas present she is involved in a terrible car accident. Through forgiving himself, Charlie is able to relinquish the guilt and achieve emotional stability.
It is evident that discovery is a critical concept within Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, particularly through the contrasting character’s of Antonio and Prospero, as through the play, both characters are challenged by their discoveries, each with the potentional to transform their lives, depending upon how open they were to discovery. This concept of the transformative power of discovery is also evident within related texts, An Idiot Abroad by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and The Perks of Being A Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky.
I stopped commenting towards the end there simply because I thought it would be easier that I make an end comment here.
Your analysis is spot on, it is definitely worthy of the high bands. You consistently relate back to discoveries, which although that sounds like an easy thing to do, it really isn't and so many students overlook it. I certainly did when I first started discovery, and your work here appears to be the cumulation of lots of study and re-wording of the essay, which is awesome. You're in a great spot.
What I'm suggesting is more of a structural thing in order to show the marker your prowess with discovery. It's important to make sure that your response for this module is driven by discovery and not by the texts. I think the best way to do that is focus on a structure for your thesis statement. You want your original thesis statement to respond to the question but also show some uniqueness to differentiate your essay and relate it to your texts. When you open your essay, don't mention the texts or the composer in the first sentence. Although nothing strictly says you cannot do this, it is a characteristic of the best responses I have read. Each paragraph will benefit from being started with a sentence about discovery, removed from the texts. Then you can proceed into the text through your awesome analysis! This way, you give the marker the knowledge of what specific discovery idea you'll be fleshing out in that exact paragraph. This way you can respond to the question more specifically, but also branch out from the question and add that unique spin.
I hope this is making sense to you. Essentially, I think that what will lift your work is a response that is delivered with discovery as the forefront focus. Your analysis is there, it's awesome. It's now just about framing that analysis.
If what I'm saying makes zero sense, it might be worth looking at my discovery essay. I've started my paragraphs in the way I'm suggesting you do, so it might give you a bit of an idea about how to approach it. You should be really proud of this essay!
Post by: sudodds on July 30, 2016, 02:26:53 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 30, 2016, 03:15:49 pm
Awesome! Thanks so much Elyse! I definitely understand what you're saying, I'll make sure to fix up my response with your suggestions! You and jamon really are a machine hahaha, I cannot thank either of you enough for the help that you have given me over the last month with my creative and essays :) My teacher has said that she can already see a vast improvement in my drafts and it pretty much all down to your feedback! Thank you!!! ;D
Ahh! That's what we love to hear. Thank you for being so dedicated to your work! You deserve awesome marks. Drop back by any time, of course! :)
Post by: senara on July 31, 2016, 11:04:06 am
The essay is generic so statements are abit broad so I can mould it into different questions
Thanks a million
Post by: Bparker on July 31, 2016, 12:49:48 pm
Thesis: The dynamic nature of discovery means it is largely an ongoing process of suppositions seeking validation.
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 31, 2016, 12:51:02 pm
Hi Can you please look at my essay for Area of Study. I'm really stuck.
The essay is generic so statements are abit broad so I can mould it into different questions
Thanks a million
Hey there! I'd love to help you out here, but we do have a 15 post requirement in order to qualify for a marked piece. You can read more about this in the link in my signature at the end of this message. Feel free to post questions, answer questions, or join in the conversation at the General Discussion page :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 31, 2016, 02:37:58 pm
Hi Elyse, I have my textual evidence and some broad concepts about discovery, but I was wondering if you could just see if this thesis makes sense? I think i'm going slightly crazy from too much english, and just need a new perspective haha! P.S I'm doing The Motorcycle Diaries and The Apology
Thesis: The dynamic nature of discovery means it is largely an ongoing process of suppositions seeking validation.
Hey Bparker! Welcome to the forums! Be sure to let me know if you need help finding anything ;D
I would say that Thesis does make sense! It is saying discoveries are about asking questions/making hypothesis and having them validated. That's great! I would say it could be a tad too simple, it will definitely need an amplification where you build on the idea and delve into it a bit more (EG - challenges of making those suppositions for the individual, why discovery is dynamic, etc). It just needs a tad more depth to really make it shine, but this works really well as a generic Thesis to pull out and tailor to some specific question ;D
Post by: Bparker on July 31, 2016, 03:18:42 pm
Hey Bparker! Welcome to the forums! Be sure to let me know if you need help finding anything ;D
I would say that Thesis does make sense! It is saying discoveries are about asking questions/making hypothesis and having them validated. That's great! I would say it could be a tad too simple, it will definitely need an amplification where you build on the idea and delve into it a bit more (EG - challenges of making those suppositions for the individual, why discovery is dynamic, etc). It just needs a tad more depth to really make it shine, but this works really well as a generic Thesis to pull out and tailor to some specific question ;D
Okay great generic was what I was aiming for, thanks heaps Jamon!
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 31, 2016, 03:31:17 pm
Hi Elyse, I have my textual evidence and some broad concepts about discovery, but I was wondering if you could just see if this thesis makes sense? I think i'm going slightly crazy from too much english, and just need a new perspective haha! P.S I'm doing The Motorcycle Diaries and The Apology
Thesis: The dynamic nature of discovery means it is largely an ongoing process of suppositions seeking validation.
This is a really unique thesis because it makes the discovery focused on beliefs being challenged or validated. As long as this is a common thing that flows through your prescribed and related text, there's no problem. But, you need to be prepared to make a complimentary thesis statement on the spot in an exam. I used this technique. My introduction opened with two thesis statements that complimented each other - one was my prepared thesis (like you have) and the second one was a direct response to the question. The wording of my prepared thesis changed to adapt to the question more.
I think your thesis is limited in the expression. Currently, you're implying that discovery is mainly about beliefs being challenged. If this is the only main idea you want to flesh out in your response, then that's fine. But if you want to give yourself more scope, you might have to adjust the expression to incorporate the effects of these suppositions being validated, or how that impacts on people's relationships, or how it offers renewed perspectives, etc, etc. If you're comfortable with your supporting thesis to do this work for you, then that's cool too. But if I were you, I'd be teasing out the expression of that sentence a bit more to encourage that wider scope for the different stages and elements of discovery.
Post by: Bparker on July 31, 2016, 03:54:06 pm
This is a really unique thesis because it makes the discovery focused on beliefs being challenged or validated. As long as this is a common thing that flows through your prescribed and related text, there's no problem. But, you need to be prepared to make a complimentary thesis statement on the spot in an exam. I used this technique. My introduction opened with two thesis statements that complimented each other - one was my prepared thesis (like you have) and the second one was a direct response to the question. The wording of my prepared thesis changed to adapt to the question more.
I think your thesis is limited in the expression. Currently, you're implying that discovery is mainly about beliefs being challenged. If this is the only main idea you want to flesh out in your response, then that's fine. But if you want to give yourself more scope, you might have to adjust the expression to incorporate the effects of these suppositions being validated, or how that impacts on people's relationships, or how it offers renewed perspectives, etc, etc. If you're comfortable with your supporting thesis to do this work for you, then that's cool too. But if I were you, I'd be teasing out the expression of that sentence a bit more to encourage that wider scope for the different stages and elements of discovery.
Thankyou for the speedy and detailed response! I think i'll take your advice and add something about the impact of discovery onto the end of my thesis, as I do explore that in my essay too.
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 31, 2016, 04:19:07 pm
Thankyou for the speedy and detailed response! I think i'll take your advice and add something about the impact of discovery onto the end of my thesis, as I do explore that in my essay too.
For sure! It's better to give yourself that bit of extra scope that wows a marker in the beginning, because you're showing that you have confidence with an extra part of the rubric!
Post by: hannahboardman98 on August 02, 2016, 06:33:09 pm
Post by: studybuddy7777 on August 02, 2016, 06:41:49 pm
Hi, how many related texts do we need for AOS Standard English?? I thought it was one but recently I've been reading two!??
Hey hannahboardman98 welcome to atarnotes!! The AoS is a common paper between standard and advanced. I have ever only done 1 related text for English and most people have they have been fine!! The only reason some people study two is because ONCE they asked for two related texts. (But in that case, I would just pick one of the unseen texts) but you definitely can get by quite okay with one related text its what i have been doing.
To use Jake's words (forum legend ;D)
Quote from: jakesilove
"Obviously I can't speak for people during the Trial, but I would strongly recommend NEVER doing more than is required of you in a question. You WON'T get any more marks for using 174 related texts"
Hope all this helps and hope you get a lot out of atarnotes!!
Thanks :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 02, 2016, 08:57:46 pm
Hey hannahboardman98 welcome to atarnotes!! The AoS is a common paper between standard and advanced. I have ever only done 1 related text for English and most people have they have been fine!! The only reason some people study two is because ONCE they asked for two related texts. (But in that case, I would just pick one of the unseen texts) but you definitely can get by quite okay with one related text its what i have been doing.
To use Jake's words (forum legend ;D)
Hope all this helps and hope you get a lot out of atarnotes!!
Thanks :)
Love your work study buddy! ;D I'll expand by saying that using one of the unseen texts is a very good idea in AoS (in case of emergency). Use the techniques you found in Section 1 and put them straight into Section 3, it works really well (this also requires doing Section 1 first) ;D
Hannah's been around for a while!! She was one of the first to hang around the Standard English Threads (Hannah is my hero) ;)
Post by: studybuddy7777 on August 03, 2016, 08:52:11 am
Love your work study buddy! ;D I'll expand by saying that using one of the unseen texts is a very good idea in AoS (in case of emergency). Use the techniques you found in Section 1 and put them straight into Section 3, it works really well (this also requires doing Section 1 first) ;D
Hannah's been around for a while!! She was one of the first to hang around the Standard English Threads (Hannah is my hero) ;)
Thanks :) and oops sorry hannah i just like saying welcome to everyone that I meet because im new here and dont know many people!! :D
Post by: isaacdelatorre on August 04, 2016, 12:13:44 am
Can someone please direct me to where the feedback for my essay is. I can't seem to find it.
I posted it a while ago, it's on page 9.
Did I skip a page or overlook it somewhere?
Or is trials making me go crazy and see things hahaha
Thanks :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 04, 2016, 08:44:52 am
Hey guys,
Can someone please direct me to where the feedback for my essay is. I can't seem to find it.
I posted it a while ago, it's on page 9.
Did I skip a page or overlook it somewhere?
Or is trials making me go crazy and see things hahaha
Thanks :)
Hey Isaac! I can't see it either, it may have gotten missed, I did a big mark run until 3:30am the night after you posted so my tired self probably overlooked it, sorry! I'll mark it for you ASAP ;D thanks for the heads up!
Post by: isaacdelatorre on August 04, 2016, 12:50:15 pm
I've already done improved essays than what i submitted.
Is it possible if i just retract that one, and submit another essay instead later?
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 04, 2016, 01:02:26 pm
Hey guys,
English is my biggest struggle and if you could give me some feedback on how to improve on my AOS essay, it would help tremendously.
Not sure what I'm meant to be doing with this tbh, but here's an essay that I wrote that I'm sure is too long.
Thank you so much!!! you guys are life savers
Discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known – discuss with detailed reference to the prescribed text and ONE related
Hey Isaac! Sorry about the delay, but thanks for bringing it back up! We'd hate for you to suffer silently :)
My comments are in bold font in the spoiler:
Spoiler
The process of discovery is a two pronged method which allows us to uncover confronting secrets of the universe, that were previously unknown, as a result of careful and deliberate planning evoked by curiosity or wonder. I'm unsure about two pronged - I just imagined a snake's tongue. I think the words are a bit too rough for the thesis statement. Do you mean two stages? In which case, twofold might be a good idea. Or if you mean that the ramifications can go one of two ways, consider rewording again. So this would read something like, "Discovery is a dual stage process which may lead to the uncovering of confronting and previously unknown secrets of the universe, as a result of careful and deliberate planning evoked by curiosity and wonder. This then brings us to a really long thesis statement. So consider breaking it up. I know this is a lot to take in for just one sentence, but manipulating it enough will give you a really amazing start to your essay! Happy to flesh out the thesis more with you if that would be helpful! These discoveries are often reconsidered once they are fully understood and they may renew perceptions of the world around us. Simon Nasht’s 2004 documentary Frank Hurley, the Man Who Made History depicts this binate process through recounting Hurley’s metamorphic expeditions to Antarctica and World War I. Likewise, J.K. Rowling’s 2008 speech The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination also depicts this process through the exploration of unconventional perspectives concerning failure and imagination. Interesting related text! Very cool! In the evaluated texts, the respective composers undergo this two pronged process, Consider rephrasing again :) in which the audience vicariously discovers what was previously unknown, allowing them to reconsider previous assumptions and realise new ideas. A really really solid finish to the introduction! I wouldn't change this.
When discovering aspects of the universe that were previously unknown, a transformation may occur, that may force us to reconsider previous assumptions in order to embrace our renewed perceptions of the world. Awesome! Hurley experiences an unexpected intellectual discovery of the power Good link to the "intellectual" part of the syllabus!!!!!! and beauty of nature on his Antarctic expedition which impacts his perception of the world. Nasht’s repetition of panning shots showing a diversity of beautiful natural landscapes, highlights the overwhelming significance that this unknown aspect of the natural world has on him. Hurley reconsiders his suburban life but embraces the newfound importance and beauty of the natural world exemplified by Nasht’s utilisation of juxtaposition within a voice over “City boy was stunned by the power of nature.” Hurley’s newfound curiosity catalyses his discovery of the immense power nature, which he reflects upon and considers his own mortality as the natural world hyperbolically, “more than once nearly got them killed.” This confronting discovery of the human condition within humanity’s insignificance against nature, is highlighted by a super wide shot of two tiny, anonymous figures juxtaposed to the enormous, white landscape; reinforced by diegetic sounds of strong, rushing wind. Responders, triggered by Hurley’s discoveries and Nasht’s frequent use of collective pronouns, vicariously uncover what was previously unknown to them and reconsider what is known, having renewed perceptions of humanity’s insignificance. Wonderful!!!“What three insignificant microbes of life we are” epitomises Hurley’s transformation as he reconsiders humanity’s superiority and embraces humanity’s insignificance; apparent in the existentialist tone that juxtaposes his previous positive attitude towards nature and discovery.
Similar to Hurley’s discovery of the power of nature, which causes existential conclusions of humanity’s insignificance, Rowling invites responders to consider the culturally unpopular view of failure as a method of discovering or realising our full potential. Rowling uses her lowered head and hyperbolised anecdotal failures which climax in “I was the biggest failure I knew” to juxtapose the joyous tone at her discovery that failure “became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life … I was set free.” The motif of freedom emphasises her realisation of what was previously unknown; provocative as she describes it as a “liberating discovery, worth more than any qualification I ever earned.” This hyperbole engages the responders of her specific context of Harvard graduates, inviting her audience to undergo this same discovery. Rowling’s perspective of failure challenges negative societal connotations of failure, which is what she believed before her discovery, established throughhyperboles I think just "hyperbole" works. of, “What I feared most was failure.” Rowling reconsiders this negative perspective and is ultimately transformed, having renewed perceptions of the benefits and importance of failure. The importance of failure, previously unknown, is reflected upon now as a method of realising our true potential, reinforced through second person within “Responsibility lies with you… you will never know yourself without failing.” Thus, composers present their own discoveries of what was previously hidden, which are reconsidered as they challenge values within their social/historical contexts; simultaneously inviting the audience to do the same.
Discovery I think you're accidentally personifying discovery here. I think "discoverying" may work, and I'd keep it in low modality like, "Discovering/The process of discovery may uncover hidden secrets of the world which can prompt a reconsideration of previously esteemed assumptions, thus renewing worldly perceptions." I think this way you increase the sophistication of the language a bit, and manage to shorten the sentence a little too.uncovers hidden secrets of the world which can make us reconsider our previous assumptions of society before resulting in renewed perceptions of the world around us. Nasht depicts his own discovery of Hurley’s manipulation through repetition of shots, layering images of WWI to create a fabricated image; whilst also revealing the photo’s impact on broader society. Hurley’s discovery is a result of necessity in which “There was a gulf between what he saw, and what was captured on the glass plates” using metaphors and voice over to establish Hurley’s motives for manipulation. This fabrication presents to responders the dichotomy between creativity and reality, by paradoxically manipulating photographs to capture the truth of war, challenging societal opinions on the matter. Awesome! This is seriously impressive! Hurley’s discovery has repercussions on responders and society more broadly, who become aware of manipulation and must reconsider previous assumptions regarding the media in an empirical quest for truth, even questioning the veracity of the film itself. Nasht presents juxtaposing perspectives regarding the photographs authenticity, highlighting the impact of the manipulated photos on society. Intertextual interviews achieve this dichotomy, heightened through hyperbolised pejorative expressions in “Conjuror with a camera” juxtaposed by “transcend art and history … becomes both.” Nasht uncovers both sides of the controversial discussion and allows responders to reconsider what they know of photography and come to their own conclusions regarding Hurley’s images.
Unlike Nasht’s “on the fence” attitude towards Hurley’s works and their repercussions on society, Rowling presents her unconventional view of the unrecognised importance of imagination, condemning those who do not choose to undergo this discovery. Rowling’s provocative discovery of the unrecognised importance of imagination is presented to the audience, highlighting how without imagination we are oblivious and ignorant of the world around us. “They choose to remain within the bounds of their own experience … they refuse to hear screams … they refuse to hear screams … they can close their minds and hearts … they can refuse to know” depicts, through third person accumulation, those who do not know of the importance of imagination, unlike Nasht who presents both sides of the controversial issue. Attitudes which place low value on imagination in modern, contemporary society are established through “many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all”. However, like how Hurley challenges societal attitudes that oppose him, Rowling challenges societal assumptions of what is known, through her own discovery; reconsidering these attitudes before coming to the metaphoric conclusion that “the unimaginative see more monsters, they are often more afraid,” condemning those who do not embrace her discovery. What you do best, I think, is relating everything to discovery. Everything has a purpose and everything is linked back to discovery. I know that sounds like an obvious thing to do, but it's just not something that people do! You're doing it so perfectly. Rowling reconsiders this discovery, coming to the conclusion of it’s positive repercussions which collective pronouns within “we do not need magic to change the world … we have the power to imagine” which affirm her transformation. However, Rowling realises that her social and personal context as an author has altered her discovery and made her realise the importance of imagination to her exclusively, as without imagination, she metaphorically “would never have succeeded in the arena [she] belonged.” Through the confronting discovery that the protagonists undergo and their subsequent transformation which allows them to reconsider what is previously known, forming a heightened sense of the world around them, additionally impacting their respective audience who undergo this same two pronged process.
Confronting discoveries of aspects of the world that were originally hidden may challenge contextual attitudes, provoking new worlds and ideas which cause us to reconsider our previous assumptions of the world. From this reconsideration, we are transformed and enlightened from our previous state, with renewed perceptions of our place within the world; completing the process of discovery. It's awesome how you have given two sentences to discussing discoveries without at all mentioning the texts, that's really important. Nasht presents confronting discoveries that are deliberately planned, stemming from curiosity and wonder in his documentary Frank Hurley, the Man Who Made History. Similarly, Rowling depicts contextual assumptions that oppress her provocative discoveries, causing transformation after embracing her discoveries in The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination
When discovering aspects of the universe that were previously unknown, a transformation may occur, that may force us to reconsider previous assumptions in order to embrace our renewed perceptions of the world. Awesome! Hurley experiences an unexpected intellectual discovery of the power Good link to the "intellectual" part of the syllabus!!!!!! and beauty of nature on his Antarctic expedition which impacts his perception of the world. Nasht’s repetition of panning shots showing a diversity of beautiful natural landscapes, highlights the overwhelming significance that this unknown aspect of the natural world has on him. Hurley reconsiders his suburban life but embraces the newfound importance and beauty of the natural world exemplified by Nasht’s utilisation of juxtaposition within a voice over “City boy was stunned by the power of nature.” Hurley’s newfound curiosity catalyses his discovery of the immense power nature, which he reflects upon and considers his own mortality as the natural world hyperbolically, “more than once nearly got them killed.” This confronting discovery of the human condition within humanity’s insignificance against nature, is highlighted by a super wide shot of two tiny, anonymous figures juxtaposed to the enormous, white landscape; reinforced by diegetic sounds of strong, rushing wind. Responders, triggered by Hurley’s discoveries and Nasht’s frequent use of collective pronouns, vicariously uncover what was previously unknown to them and reconsider what is known, having renewed perceptions of humanity’s insignificance. Wonderful!!!“What three insignificant microbes of life we are” epitomises Hurley’s transformation as he reconsiders humanity’s superiority and embraces humanity’s insignificance; apparent in the existentialist tone that juxtaposes his previous positive attitude towards nature and discovery.
Similar to Hurley’s discovery of the power of nature, which causes existential conclusions of humanity’s insignificance, Rowling invites responders to consider the culturally unpopular view of failure as a method of discovering or realising our full potential. Rowling uses her lowered head and hyperbolised anecdotal failures which climax in “I was the biggest failure I knew” to juxtapose the joyous tone at her discovery that failure “became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life … I was set free.” The motif of freedom emphasises her realisation of what was previously unknown; provocative as she describes it as a “liberating discovery, worth more than any qualification I ever earned.” This hyperbole engages the responders of her specific context of Harvard graduates, inviting her audience to undergo this same discovery. Rowling’s perspective of failure challenges negative societal connotations of failure, which is what she believed before her discovery, established through
Discovery I think you're accidentally personifying discovery here. I think "discoverying" may work, and I'd keep it in low modality like, "Discovering/The process of discovery may uncover hidden secrets of the world which can prompt a reconsideration of previously esteemed assumptions, thus renewing worldly perceptions." I think this way you increase the sophistication of the language a bit, and manage to shorten the sentence a little too.uncovers hidden secrets of the world which can make us reconsider our previous assumptions of society before resulting in renewed perceptions of the world around us. Nasht depicts his own discovery of Hurley’s manipulation through repetition of shots, layering images of WWI to create a fabricated image; whilst also revealing the photo’s impact on broader society. Hurley’s discovery is a result of necessity in which “There was a gulf between what he saw, and what was captured on the glass plates” using metaphors and voice over to establish Hurley’s motives for manipulation. This fabrication presents to responders the dichotomy between creativity and reality, by paradoxically manipulating photographs to capture the truth of war, challenging societal opinions on the matter. Awesome! This is seriously impressive! Hurley’s discovery has repercussions on responders and society more broadly, who become aware of manipulation and must reconsider previous assumptions regarding the media in an empirical quest for truth, even questioning the veracity of the film itself. Nasht presents juxtaposing perspectives regarding the photographs authenticity, highlighting the impact of the manipulated photos on society. Intertextual interviews achieve this dichotomy, heightened through hyperbolised pejorative expressions in “Conjuror with a camera” juxtaposed by “transcend art and history … becomes both.” Nasht uncovers both sides of the controversial discussion and allows responders to reconsider what they know of photography and come to their own conclusions regarding Hurley’s images.
Unlike Nasht’s “on the fence” attitude towards Hurley’s works and their repercussions on society, Rowling presents her unconventional view of the unrecognised importance of imagination, condemning those who do not choose to undergo this discovery. Rowling’s provocative discovery of the unrecognised importance of imagination is presented to the audience, highlighting how without imagination we are oblivious and ignorant of the world around us. “They choose to remain within the bounds of their own experience … they refuse to hear screams … they refuse to hear screams … they can close their minds and hearts … they can refuse to know” depicts, through third person accumulation, those who do not know of the importance of imagination, unlike Nasht who presents both sides of the controversial issue. Attitudes which place low value on imagination in modern, contemporary society are established through “many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all”. However, like how Hurley challenges societal attitudes that oppose him, Rowling challenges societal assumptions of what is known, through her own discovery; reconsidering these attitudes before coming to the metaphoric conclusion that “the unimaginative see more monsters, they are often more afraid,” condemning those who do not embrace her discovery. What you do best, I think, is relating everything to discovery. Everything has a purpose and everything is linked back to discovery. I know that sounds like an obvious thing to do, but it's just not something that people do! You're doing it so perfectly. Rowling reconsiders this discovery, coming to the conclusion of it’s positive repercussions which collective pronouns within “we do not need magic to change the world … we have the power to imagine” which affirm her transformation. However, Rowling realises that her social and personal context as an author has altered her discovery and made her realise the importance of imagination to her exclusively, as without imagination, she metaphorically “would never have succeeded in the arena [she] belonged.” Through the confronting discovery that the protagonists undergo and their subsequent transformation which allows them to reconsider what is previously known, forming a heightened sense of the world around them, additionally impacting their respective audience who undergo this same two pronged process.
Confronting discoveries of aspects of the world that were originally hidden may challenge contextual attitudes, provoking new worlds and ideas which cause us to reconsider our previous assumptions of the world. From this reconsideration, we are transformed and enlightened from our previous state, with renewed perceptions of our place within the world; completing the process of discovery. It's awesome how you have given two sentences to discussing discoveries without at all mentioning the texts, that's really important. Nasht presents confronting discoveries that are deliberately planned, stemming from curiosity and wonder in his documentary Frank Hurley, the Man Who Made History. Similarly, Rowling depicts contextual assumptions that oppress her provocative discoveries, causing transformation after embracing her discoveries in The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination
To me, this is a band six response. With the adjustment of the thesis statement, I don't see a reason why you haven't set yourself up for success. I don't believe this is your biggest struggle at all! Or maybe you're just a genius at the rest :)
Please feel free to bring up more about the thesis if you like and we can work through that. Once that is down pat, the sophistication is confirmed in the opening, and the rest will follow!
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 04, 2016, 01:03:22 pm
Ahaha thanks man, don't worry about it. AOS has flown out of my mind right now.
I've already done improved essays than what i submitted.
Is it possible if i just retract that one, and submit another essay instead later?
Sorry! I started marking your essay before you posted this! Have a look at the comments, and see if they comply with what you've fixed up yourself? Let me know! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 04, 2016, 01:25:38 pm
Ahaha thanks man, don't worry about it. AOS has flown out of my mind right now.
I've already done improved essays than what i submitted.
Is it possible if i just retract that one, and submit another essay instead later?
That essay was posted under the old post requirement scheme, so you are eligible to post another essay whenever you wish (our bad for stuffing up) ;D
Post by: jelin_queen on August 06, 2016, 03:44:52 pm
could someone just mark my Area of Study essay on The Tempest and my related text The Boy in Striped Pyjamas thank you :) :)
The nature of discovery entails a journey that provides individuals with the opportunity to access concealed truths of human nature, that can be sought or serendipitous, which leads to the acquisition of greater knowledge, unprecedented perceptions or reconsider values consequently altering the ramification of an individual. In the texts of the tempest and TBISP, it is seen that both composers textually elucidates their own meaningful discoveries that have been manifested from their own desire to re-evaluate assumptions and unveil fresh insights into humanity’s moral flaws that have been suppressed by formidable events. However the extent to which the composer’s individual discoveries transform the values and perceptions of society depends on their context and the two texts can be compared in this perspective. Ultimately, both composers offer audiences profound insight into the ways in which the process of discovery can lead to spiritual emergent and transform individuals who seek to uncover confronting truths of humanity’s moral weakness.
The social structures explored in the tempest are disrupted of order that’s symbolized by the storm which serve as a catalyst for meaningful discoveries as individuals challenged the need for positive values. Within the opening scene of the play, Prospero a vengeful political exile conjures a storm that ensnares his enemies with magic, through the assistance of his magical spirit Ariel, to bring forth those who have wronged him. Although with the occurrence of Prospero’s daughter Miranda and his enemy’s son Ferdinand subsequent marriage it has enlightened and made him aware of the need to liberate and reconcile which has been previously concealed. Ariel shamed his master to forgive his rivals through the effective use of dialogue: “ARIEL: your charm so strongly works ‘em that if you now beheld them, your affections would become tender. PROSPERO: Dost thou think so, spirit? ARIEL: Mine would sir, were I human, PROSPERO: And mine shall”. Prospero’s desire for revenge wilts and the sudden and unexpected discovery that his enemies have encountered by his actions shows that the concept of discovery may uncover hidden and meaningful ideas which offer renewed perceptions of others.
Discoveries can be fresh and intensely significant in ways that have an emotional and physical effect on the characters within the play. Occurrences experienced by the female protagonist Miranda condense the concept of discovery through uncovering what is hidden in relation to her exposure to a new kind of love. With the arrival of the survivors from the shipwreck that begin to populate the island, Miranda discovers a socially foreign world that she has only vaguely depicted from her father’s retellings and her emotions begin to expand. She discovers a romantic significant other Ferdinand the son of the king of Naples who has been selected by Prospero for the chance to return to his kingdom. Miranda relates her discovery of Ferdinand ‘I would not wish any companion in the world but you’, which refers to a biblical illusion of Adam and Eve as they perceived their discovery a thing of wonder, with Prospero portrayed as a god like figure wandering through the garden and overhearing on his creatures. Shakespeare evidently remarks on the human nature of individuals while utilising Miranda, Ferdinand and Prospero to explicitly convey the idea to the audience that true love can emerge from deliberate and careful planning. Therefore through Miranda’s exposure to romantic love the notion of uncovering what is hidden in relation to discovery is exemplified.
The discovery of a hidden world can lead to new attitudes and values which can become a harmful ramification that can be imposed on the protagonist. The key ideologies of discovery in the boy in the striped pyjamas revolve around a son of a Nazi commandment Bruno who longs for a sense of exploration of his new surrounding that leads him to the discovery of an unlikely friendship between a Jewish prisoner Shmuel. Foreshadowing is presented in this film as the smoke Bruno notices makes him ask Shmuel ‘What do you burn in those chimneys? Whatever it is it smells horrid!” and the tragic irony of his question is that he is unaware of the surrounding circumstances of war and the smoke emphasizes the idea of burning Jewish bodies by his father. Bruno was oblivious to the war he was encircled by and undeservedly experienced the tragedy of death that portrays discoveries can lead us to new worlds and possibilities that can have a negative and far reaching impact on an individual. On the contrary, in the Tempest the discovery of a relationship between Miranda and Ferdinand has conveyed reconciliation of Prospero and the King of Naples which illustrates that uncovering what is hidden can have a long lasting effect that can differ from each character.
Discoveries and discovering can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of us and others which is a theme that is portrayed in equally the tempest and the boy in striped pyjamas. The tempest revolves around the uncovering of emotional awareness whereas the boy in striped pyjamas unveils hidden aspects of the human circumstances and treatments of others. The process of discovery can encompass the uncovering of previously concealed or unknown elements as well as re-evaluating those already known.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 06, 2016, 03:59:16 pm
hey guys,
could someone just mark my Area of Study essay on The Tempest and my related text The Boy in Striped Pyjamas thank you :) :)
Hey there! Thanks for posting your essay, and welcome to the forums!! Be sure to let me know if you need anything ;D
Unfortunately you have not met the posting requirements to receive feedback. We have a post exchange policy in place to make sure the service doesn't get too clogged (essay marking rules available here). It is 15 posts per essay, so if you hang around the forums for a bit, ask a few questions and have a chat (make your first post here if you like), then you'll get there really quick! Just let me know when you reach the post count, thanks in advance! ;D
Post by: jelin_queen on August 06, 2016, 06:03:49 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 07, 2016, 01:43:51 am
hey :) I have reached 15 posts would you be able to mark my essay now? thank you
Hey! Awesome work, thanks for that, but you'll need 30 posts if you want the essay and the creative marked (15 per response), do you have a preference as to which one you want done first while you get the other 15 posts you need? ;D
Post by: skysailingaway on August 17, 2016, 10:01:07 pm
Discovery has the ability to withhold the experience of discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something. This can be something that leads to revaluation and changes in their character. It further enables individuals to renew their thinking patterns and gain insight into new understandings of not only themselves, but the world around them. This is evidently portrayed through William Shakespeare’s Elizabethan play, ‘The Tempest’ whereby the protagonists Prospero and Ferdinand undergo transformative revelations upon themselves and others, due to new experiences they they face. In reference to the related text, ‘Spirited Away’ by Hayako Miyazaki, transformative implications are depicted through protagonist, Chiro’s maturity as well as the disclosure of the Bath House spirits towards her. Both texts portray the concept of discovery through the revaluation of and new understandings of themselves.
The Tempest, as its title suggests, depicts the passage of individuals through transformative revelations that alter their notions. This is shown through Propero’s aside “fair encounter of two most rare affections! Heavens rain grace on that which breathes between them”. The aside showcases the revelation as a intimate confession that Prospero makes, softening his heart towards the situation he encounters, and as a result, this eases him undergoing redemption towards his enemies Antonio and Alonso at this stage. The concept of discovery is further extenuated through his transformation as it leads him to reconsider whether or not he should undergo revenge. Ariels criticism of Propspero’s revenge plan, “Sir, if I were human”, is ironic as it displays Ariels humanity. Juxtaposition of Ariels human emotions and Prospero’s lack there of causes Prospero to question his own values as a human, thus leads him to discover a new approach towards his initial motivation.
any advice?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 18, 2016, 10:02:11 am
Discovery has the ability to withhold the experience of discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something. This Thesis could do with a little bit of a tidy up, I'm not 100% sure what you are driving at. This can be something that leads to revaluation and changes in their character. It further enables individuals to renew their thinking patterns and gain insight into new understandings of not only themselves, but the world around them. Some more succinct expression would allow you to blend those two sentences together! It's important to try and be careful with word choice, for example, "This can lead to" over "This can be something that leads to" This is evidently portrayed through William Shakespeare’s Elizabethan play, ‘The Tempest’ whereby the protagonists Prospero and Ferdinand undergo transformative revelations upon themselves and others, due to new experiences they they face. In reference to the related text, ‘Spirited Away’ by Hayako Miyazaki, transformative implications are depicted through protagonist, Chiro’s maturity as well as the disclosure of the Bath House spirits towards her. Both texts portray the concept of discovery through the revaluation of and new understandings of themselves. Overall a solid introduction, just a bit of polish on the Thesis statements would raise your sophistication ;D
The Tempest, as its title suggests, depicts the passage of individuals through transformative revelations that alter their notions. Good conceptual start. This is shown through Propero’s aside “fair encounter of two most rare affections! Heavens rain grace on that which breathes between them”. The aside showcases the revelation as a intimate confession that Prospero makes, softening his heart towards the situation he encounters, and as a result, this eases him undergoing redemption towards his enemies Antonio and Alonso at this stage. What does this show the audience about the passage of individuals through transformative revelations? The concept of discovery is further extenuated through his transformation as it leads him to reconsider whether or not he should undergo revenge. This sentence doesn't really add much, you might consider removing it. Ariels criticism of Propspero’s revenge plan, “Sir, if I were human”, is ironic as it displays Ariels humanity. Thus revealing _____ about transformations? Be sure to continually link to the topic of your paragraph. Juxtaposition of Ariels human emotions and Prospero’s lack there of causes Prospero to question his own values as a human, thus leads him to discover a new approach towards his initial motivation.
I think the paragraphs are effective! The Thesis itself could do with a bit of a tidy up, just the expression throws me off a little. Furthermore, be sure that your concept resonates properly throughout your paragraph, AND that you do more than just retell events of the text. Don't slip into saying "This happened and this shows this about Discovery," keep the focus on techniques used by the composer and how they develop meaning for the audience ;D
Post by: znaser on August 18, 2016, 03:59:47 pm
Post by: skysailingaway on August 18, 2016, 08:17:48 pm
Don't slip into saying "This happened and this shows this about Discovery," keep the focus on techniques used by the composer and how they develop meaning for the audience ;D
thank you for the advice!
~yes i do have a problem with retelling, i cannot seem to get myself out of it, is there a certain mindset to it?
Post by: ssarahj on August 18, 2016, 08:51:07 pm
thank you for the advice!
~yes i do have a problem with retelling, i cannot seem to get myself out of it, is there a certain mindset to it?
Hey skysailingaway! Try to imagine that you're writing your essay to someone that knows your text INSIDE OUT. Your teacher/marker should be one of those people anyway. That means they don't need any details about the character's uncle's brother's cat that died or what the character ate for breakfast. They already know all of that. All they need is the nitty gritty analysis. :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 19, 2016, 12:04:07 am
thank you for the advice!
~yes i do have a problem with retelling, i cannot seem to get myself out of it, is there a certain mindset to it?
Literally exactly what Sarah said!! Just keep thinking; "Would I have to explain this to an actor who plays the lead role in this play?" If the author asked you what you thought about the themes, would you explain it the way you are now? Those sorts of thoughts will keep you on track ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 19, 2016, 03:36:10 pm
I've attached my discovery essay. Thanks for doing this :)
Hey Znaser! You've had a creative marked way back in March, and since then our policy has changed to say that for each piece marked, you need 15 ATAR Notes posts. So make 30 ATAR Notes posts, and then you can have two essays or creatives marked! However, I know you've been working really hard on your English subject lately, so I'm going to give some thoughts about your introduction :)
Discoveries unveil inconceivable This word is sticking out to me. I think i know what you're intending, are you intending to say that discoveries unveil what was once inconceivable, but is now so clear and apparent post-discovery. Re-consider the wording :)outlooks of one’s self and the external world, catalysing re-evaluation of values and perceptual viewpoints. Really clear! Great job.This evolutionary I spoke about an evolutionary process in my own essay too, I think it's a great idea!process is prompted by fresh experiences where wonder and awe, evoked as a result thereof, develop into a pursuit of further revelations. Yessss!William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest (1610) incarcerates its characters to an island, a microcosm of society. This physical discovery necessitates other epiphanies, actuating reappraisal of vindictive endeavours and self-identification. William Shakespeare's play The Tempest (1610) actuates reappraisal of vindictive endeavours of self-identification through the physical discovery of..." I tend to think that inverting this sentence a bit puts the most important parts first. Currently, you get to the best stuff at the end. Prioritise your best analysis and ideas. Darius Simpson and Scout Bostley’s spoken word poem Lost Voices (2015) epitomises the significance of discovering cultural actualities in re-shaping one’s identity. Discoveries necessitate opportunities to reach formerly unattainable heights of insight and hence, culminate in introspection and revision of principles. Wonderful introduction! You really have aced the structure. You've very clear got an amazing grasp on the idea that this should be a discovery driven essay! Keep it up! :) A marker will be super impressed after reading this.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 19, 2016, 07:53:38 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 20, 2016, 10:43:55 am
I've attached my discovery essay. Thanks for doing this :)
I'm so sorry...I messed up! Anyway, onwards with the essay marking! See the above comment for the introduction :)
In the spoiler!
Spoiler
The process of discoveries, whether inadvertent or orchestrated, Awesome work! I love that you've changed the planned/unplanned to inadvertent or orchestrated. What's also great, is that these are perfect synonyms. They aren't a "kind of synonym" that doesn't really express the idea well. They are perfect synonyms! (PS. I think this is the first time I've seen a perfect synonym for planned and unplanned in an essay!) entail unforeseeable ramifications that challenge and renew preconceived ideals pertaining to humanity. Shakespeare’s The Tempest exemplifies this through Prospero’s methodical passage of discovery, instigated by fortuitous rediscovery of his past. Amazing!His rekindled indignation of the venomous usurpation of his dukedom by Antonio, as a result thereof, illustrated by vivid tactile imagery in his metaphor, “The ivy which had hid my princely trunk, /And sucked my verdure out on’t”, translates into a “tempest”. This storm is thus allegorical for his inner turmoil, concocted to perpetrate “Ling’ring perdition – worse than any death/Can be at once” and hence, assuage his enmity toward his adversaries through their anguish, as conveyed by Ariel’s sadistic tone. However, as Prospero navigates through the anarchic recesses of his inner world, simulated by the perverted external reality, he uncovers the fallaciousness of his vindictive pursuit. This collision of the imagined and physical landscape of the island hence accentuates the complex possibilities the human mind encapsulates, provoking responders to contemplate the interplay between reality and moral judgements of conscience. In the sentence just past, I was hoping for the end part to be about discovery. Perhaps prompting the responder to discover the interplay, or something to that effect. Your sentence is brilliant, it makes perfect sense. But, it has been several sentences since we last linked back to discovery. Although it does make sense once you finish the paragraph, if you can weave discovery in there at the half way point, you prove to the markers that you aren't just topping and tailing your paragraphs. So I essentially mean, if you can bring this section back to discovery, that's great. But, if you find it awkward or as though it doesn't flow - then don't do it, it isn't worth risking your perfect flow, especially when the end of the paragraph rounds off discovery well. Ariel’s merciful intercession astounds Prospero, manifested in his rhetorical question, “…relish all as sharply/Passion as they be kindlier move than thou art?”, evoking introspection of his unavailing vengeance. In consequence, Prospero re-evaluates his perception of “The rarer action” and rediscovers the redemptive power of forgiveness, emphasised by his antithesis between "Antithesis of" works better, but to be most correct, I'd change this part to..."emphasised by the antitethical pairing of virtue and vengeance at play in The Tempest/the situation/Prospero's life." Something is the antithesis to another thing. You don't necessarily have an antithesis 'between.' An antithesis is an exact opposite, there kind of is no in between. Hence, I'm suggesting an adjustment so that this flows wonderfully :) “virtue” and “vengeance”. This unforeseen outcome propels Prospero to unveil the illusion of pragmatism manifested in his omnipotent power and hence abjure it, “I’ll break my staff, /Bury it certain fathoms in the earth, /And deeper than did ever plummet sound” as depicted by his hyperbolic statement. Thus, Prospero’s process of discovery clears his inner turmoil by transfiguring his resent to mercy rather than indulging in the former, as he envisaged. Just to make this paragraph PERFECT - I'd like to see it brought back to the planned/unplanned idea that you sewed at the start. Your paragraph hints to this throughout, but just really clearly making a "thus..." statement, that ties the concept with the text, makes your argument wholistic!
Comparatively, inadvertent experiences challenge and renew preconceived notions pertaining to activism, fostering the persona’s process of discovery in Lost Voices. In the opening of the poem, Simpson, an African American man, and Bostley, a white woman, are reticent to recount their individual discoveries. They, instead, interchange microphones and speak on one another’s behalf, whilst mouthing their own revelations. Bostley is initially irresolute towards the efficacy of her feminist voice in alleviating sexual abuse, conveyed by Simpson’s vacillating enunciation, “I battle between wanting my own body and accepting that there is a one in four chance a man will lay claim to my skin – a plot of land for the taking.” His dehumanising metaphor further accentuates Bostley’s predominant feeling of helplessness, hindering growth of her assertiveness. Similarly, Prospero’s pre-eminent resent hindered development of his bygone forgiving nature, awakened by Ariel’s unanticipated humane intercession. Yes! Great link!In contrast, the persona’s unforeseen encounters with feigned sympathisers provoked awakening of her vehement stance, “It is not a problem you want to sympathise but to tell me you know my pain, is to stab yourself in the leg because you saw me get shot,” epitomised by Simpson’s hyperbolic analogy. Love a double-barrelled technique! Hyperbolic analogy...amazing!This impels Bostley to re-assess her despairing perceptions where interchanging microphones back, towards the poem’s end, symbolises reclamation of her personal narrative as a result thereof. Bostley’s epiphany of the imperativeness of voicing feminine struggles is further highlighted in her anaphoric proclamation, “I fight so my voice can be heard. I fight for the voices you silence all in the name of what is right.” Second-person language directly emphasises Bostley’s transformation of ideals, like Prospero, ensuing her discovery process to audiences and hence, elevated voice, opposed to Prospero’s augmented mercy. What makes this paragraph so cool is that you draw comparisons between the two texts. That shows your confidence with the texts and the module.
Fresh and intensely meaningful revelations entail inquisitive responses, catalysing further discoveries to facilitate self-insight and growth. This links to your intro well!Shakespeare’s The Tempest epitomises this through Miranda, the embodiment of wonder and naivety, raised isolated in a “cell” in a world of her own. Untainted by outside civilisation, her imaginative capacities are bounded by a narrow worldview where “More to know/Did never meddle with my thoughts,” characterising her as ingenuous. Miranda, thus, personifies the state preceding a discovery, impressionable by fresh experiences. Rediscovery of her past beyond recall astounds Miranda, conveyed by her impassioned tone in her exclamation, “O the heavens!” evoking her inquisitiveness for further revelations. This necessitated her stream of questions, “What foul play had we, that we came from thence? …Wherefore did they not/That hour destroy us?... How came we ashore?” conveying Miranda’s broadened enlightenment of her identity and the outer world, impelling expansion of her mindset for unwonted possibilities. Miranda’s evolution is furthered upon discovery of love in Ferdinand, arousing her sexual awakening and assertive disposition that were formerly obscured. These far-reaching impacts on her identity and emotional maturity are accentuated by enjambment of her avowal, “I would not wish/Any companion in the world but you …But I prattle/Something too wildly, and my father’s precepts/I therein do forget,” where her self-perception is reshaped as a result thereof. Although Prospero unveils “The fringed curtains of thine [Miranda’s] eye” to her aristocratic heritage and romance, dramatic irony in her assertion, “O wonder! /How many goodly creatures are there here! /How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world/That has such people in’t!” depicts her prevailing naivety to responders nonetheless. Thus, while Miranda’s process of discovery opened her world to new possibilities, the evolution of her consciousness to the complex nature of humankind still remains in the inceptive phase. This is probably my favourite paragraph so far because it is packed full with all kinds of great techniques and analysis. Also, you link back perfectly at the beginning and end most notably, to your introductory thesis! Go you!
Fresh and intensely meaningful revelations are also a platform for discovery in Lost Voices. In contrast to Miranda’s rediscovery of her past, Simpson’s confronting experience “in second grade” where, “At recess, all the white kids chased me into the woods chanting slave” evoked consciousness of his racial identity, accentuated by Bostley’s vivid visual and auditory imagery. Discovery of preceding licit relegation and lynching of African Americans impelled the persona to “refuse(d) to come out [of the woods] for three hours” where Bostley’s anecdotal recount, “My mother… thinks I was lost in the trees, but I just needed to be closer to my roots,” conveys Simpson’s inceptive development of his cultural connection as a result thereof. This unforeseen outcome unveiled Perhaps, "allowed the reader to discover the..." I'm not sure, this is up to you, but I'm just looking for ways to tie the discovery into the middle of your paragraph a bit more.the struggle ethnic minorities endured against intolerance of difference to the persona, as opposed to Miranda’s unanticipated stream of questions uncovering her noble heritage. In consequence, he became able to contextualise derogatory remarks as xenophobic, “I felt the words shoot daggers into my melanin,” epitomised by tactile imagery in Bostley’s metaphor. BOOM! Tactile imagery in a metaphor. Woo!This provoked Simpson to discover that his, and the broader African American community’s, voicelessness augments bigotry within society. He is thus impelled to interchange microphones back towards the poem’s end, where he alliteratively retaliates, “I am black and beautiful by nature, ain't no income that can change that,” epitomising his newfound voice to silence prejudiced individuals and empower African American responders to also discover their voice. Thus, the unveiling of his racial identity and renewal of societal perceptions, catalysed Simpson’s discovery process and, contrary to Miranda, his evolution in ideals transcended the superficial phase.
Ultimately, fresh experiences entail a chain of revelations, evoking introspection and re-evaluation of values and perceptual viewpoints of one’s self and the external world. Shakespeare’s The Tempest positions responders to chronologically observe the characters’ discoveries as they occur at first hand whereas Simpson and Bostley’s Lost Voices abridge their discovery process, enabling the ramifications to be tangible and hence, pronounced to audiences. In spite of their disparate textual forms, both texts explore the transformative impact of the discovery process at heart.
Comparatively, inadvertent experiences challenge and renew preconceived notions pertaining to activism, fostering the persona’s process of discovery in Lost Voices. In the opening of the poem, Simpson, an African American man, and Bostley, a white woman, are reticent to recount their individual discoveries. They, instead, interchange microphones and speak on one another’s behalf, whilst mouthing their own revelations. Bostley is initially irresolute towards the efficacy of her feminist voice in alleviating sexual abuse, conveyed by Simpson’s vacillating enunciation, “I battle between wanting my own body and accepting that there is a one in four chance a man will lay claim to my skin – a plot of land for the taking.” His dehumanising metaphor further accentuates Bostley’s predominant feeling of helplessness, hindering growth of her assertiveness. Similarly, Prospero’s pre-eminent resent hindered development of his bygone forgiving nature, awakened by Ariel’s unanticipated humane intercession. Yes! Great link!In contrast, the persona’s unforeseen encounters with feigned sympathisers provoked awakening of her vehement stance, “It is not a problem you want to sympathise but to tell me you know my pain, is to stab yourself in the leg because you saw me get shot,” epitomised by Simpson’s hyperbolic analogy. Love a double-barrelled technique! Hyperbolic analogy...amazing!This impels Bostley to re-assess her despairing perceptions where interchanging microphones back, towards the poem’s end, symbolises reclamation of her personal narrative as a result thereof. Bostley’s epiphany of the imperativeness of voicing feminine struggles is further highlighted in her anaphoric proclamation, “I fight so my voice can be heard. I fight for the voices you silence all in the name of what is right.” Second-person language directly emphasises Bostley’s transformation of ideals, like Prospero, ensuing her discovery process to audiences and hence, elevated voice, opposed to Prospero’s augmented mercy. What makes this paragraph so cool is that you draw comparisons between the two texts. That shows your confidence with the texts and the module.
Fresh and intensely meaningful revelations entail inquisitive responses, catalysing further discoveries to facilitate self-insight and growth. This links to your intro well!Shakespeare’s The Tempest epitomises this through Miranda, the embodiment of wonder and naivety, raised isolated in a “cell” in a world of her own. Untainted by outside civilisation, her imaginative capacities are bounded by a narrow worldview where “More to know/Did never meddle with my thoughts,” characterising her as ingenuous. Miranda, thus, personifies the state preceding a discovery, impressionable by fresh experiences. Rediscovery of her past beyond recall astounds Miranda, conveyed by her impassioned tone in her exclamation, “O the heavens!” evoking her inquisitiveness for further revelations. This necessitated her stream of questions, “What foul play had we, that we came from thence? …Wherefore did they not/That hour destroy us?... How came we ashore?” conveying Miranda’s broadened enlightenment of her identity and the outer world, impelling expansion of her mindset for unwonted possibilities. Miranda’s evolution is furthered upon discovery of love in Ferdinand, arousing her sexual awakening and assertive disposition that were formerly obscured. These far-reaching impacts on her identity and emotional maturity are accentuated by enjambment of her avowal, “I would not wish/Any companion in the world but you …But I prattle/Something too wildly, and my father’s precepts/I therein do forget,” where her self-perception is reshaped as a result thereof. Although Prospero unveils “The fringed curtains of thine [Miranda’s] eye” to her aristocratic heritage and romance, dramatic irony in her assertion, “O wonder! /How many goodly creatures are there here! /How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world/That has such people in’t!” depicts her prevailing naivety to responders nonetheless. Thus, while Miranda’s process of discovery opened her world to new possibilities, the evolution of her consciousness to the complex nature of humankind still remains in the inceptive phase. This is probably my favourite paragraph so far because it is packed full with all kinds of great techniques and analysis. Also, you link back perfectly at the beginning and end most notably, to your introductory thesis! Go you!
Fresh and intensely meaningful revelations are also a platform for discovery in Lost Voices. In contrast to Miranda’s rediscovery of her past, Simpson’s confronting experience “in second grade” where, “At recess, all the white kids chased me into the woods chanting slave” evoked consciousness of his racial identity, accentuated by Bostley’s vivid visual and auditory imagery. Discovery of preceding licit relegation and lynching of African Americans impelled the persona to “refuse(d) to come out [of the woods] for three hours” where Bostley’s anecdotal recount, “My mother… thinks I was lost in the trees, but I just needed to be closer to my roots,” conveys Simpson’s inceptive development of his cultural connection as a result thereof. This unforeseen outcome unveiled Perhaps, "allowed the reader to discover the..." I'm not sure, this is up to you, but I'm just looking for ways to tie the discovery into the middle of your paragraph a bit more.the struggle ethnic minorities endured against intolerance of difference to the persona, as opposed to Miranda’s unanticipated stream of questions uncovering her noble heritage. In consequence, he became able to contextualise derogatory remarks as xenophobic, “I felt the words shoot daggers into my melanin,” epitomised by tactile imagery in Bostley’s metaphor. BOOM! Tactile imagery in a metaphor. Woo!This provoked Simpson to discover that his, and the broader African American community’s, voicelessness augments bigotry within society. He is thus impelled to interchange microphones back towards the poem’s end, where he alliteratively retaliates, “I am black and beautiful by nature, ain't no income that can change that,” epitomising his newfound voice to silence prejudiced individuals and empower African American responders to also discover their voice. Thus, the unveiling of his racial identity and renewal of societal perceptions, catalysed Simpson’s discovery process and, contrary to Miranda, his evolution in ideals transcended the superficial phase.
Ultimately, fresh experiences entail a chain of revelations, evoking introspection and re-evaluation of values and perceptual viewpoints of one’s self and the external world. Shakespeare’s The Tempest positions responders to chronologically observe the characters’ discoveries as they occur at first hand whereas Simpson and Bostley’s Lost Voices abridge their discovery process, enabling the ramifications to be tangible and hence, pronounced to audiences. In spite of their disparate textual forms, both texts explore the transformative impact of the discovery process at heart.
I'm happy to say that I'd definitely give this a band 6!
You show such confidence in your work, the way that you weave ideas about discovery into one another is really, really cool. You've got a lot of sections from the rubric working together at once, and boy oh boy, it does work well!
My only major suggestion is about the way you structure your paragraphs when focusing on discovery. You explicitly talk about discovery in the opening and closing of each paragraph, and then allude to it throughout. I think the next way to enhance your work is to focus on bringing discovery into the body of the body paragraphs. I've suggested a few ways above. If it just doesn't fit and it feels terribly awkward, your work is good enough to stand without it. But if you want to really just seal the deal, and leave no question about discovery to the marker, then I suggest you approach it like this :) So, typically your first two sentences, and the last sentence, in a paragraph deal with discovery explicitly. Great! The sentences between are full of analysis that build up the scene for discovery. Go back and look through your work, and kind of do a refresh half way through. So half way through your paragraph, have a look to see where you can make a clear tie back to discovery, before continuing on with your analysis, and then tie it all together in the conclusion. I suggested some options above to kind of explain what I mean. But, it is important you know, that this is band 6 worthy even without that. I'm only suggesting this small structural change to kind of make it unquestionable that the band 6 is where you deserve to be, you know?
Let me know if you have any questions! I'm super sorry again for messing up the marking policy, oopsy :) You should be stoked by this work!
Post by: znaser on August 20, 2016, 01:18:21 pm
Post by: tahmina on August 28, 2016, 08:23:37 pm
it is not set on any particularly question ? i just did it on discovery in general! so don't mind the intro -
Post by: conic curve on August 29, 2016, 10:51:38 am
hey guys, can someone have a look at my dis essay ! was able to achieve 11/15 in trials however there were no feedback as to how i can move up into the A' range ? any help ??
it is not set on any particularly question ? i just did it on discovery in general! so don't mind the intro -
In the first paragraph, I think there could've been another word instead of 'discoverer'
In the second paragraph, instead of saying negative word, I think it would've been more appropriate to use 'negative connotations'. I don't think you were being clear enough when you mentioned 'gwen's angry nature'. speculate about future possibilities-what specifically? Gow confidently evaluates their hidden emotions towards each other- what sort of emotions? Thus it is clear Gows effective techniques explore the notion of relationships challenging and renewing perceptions of others and ourselves - were you being explicit on this, how does this relate to your thesis statement?
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 30, 2016, 10:34:02 am
hey guys, can someone have a look at my dis essay ! was able to achieve 11/15 in trials however there were no feedback as to how i can move up into the A' range ? any help ??
it is not set on any particularly question ? i just did it on discovery in general! so don't mind the intro -
Sure! Hopefully I can give some helpful pointers :)
Spoiler
One cannot experience a discovery without being transformed by its ramifications. I have to say, I disagree with this statement. Technically, as long as you can back this up with your texts in a profound way, there is no issue. But, I think that it would read better as, "An individual is most likely to experience the ramifications of discovery in a way that transforms them/their perspectives." Just that slightly lower modality eases the reader into your work more, in my opinion! Ask what your teacher thinks of this. The impact of discoveries, whatever "regardless of their form..."aspect or shape they make take, will undoubtedly transform the discoverer and consequently the wider society around them. Australian playwright, comma Michael Gow’s ‘Away’ and Joshua Weigel's short film ‘The Butterfly Circus’ explore the transformative and revelatory I like this!nature of discovery. These texts explore the underlying nature of self-discovery, and how it has a transformative effect on individuals, ultimately leading to a greater depth of self-awareness and empathy towards members of the wider society. I think the transformative approach is really strong here, so as long as you infuse this with the essay question it will work wonderfully I think!
The transformative nature of self-discovery is demonstrated through the mending of physical relationships, through reconciliation and communication. In Gow’s play the negative word “hate” Rather than identifying it as a negative word, perhaps, suggest it has negative connotations instead.used so frequently by Gwen depicts angry nature at the start of the play, further implying to her unawareness of her own self at that time. Gow alerts the audience to Gwen’s assumptions about the wider society through the first person pronoun ‘I’ juxtaposed with the noun ‘people’. Gow’s anaphoric and truncated sentence Yesss anaphoric and truncated! Awesome!‘it was money, it was bread, work’ emphasizes emphasises* (American English)their harsh reality of their past, Gow effectively shows their "Their" doesn't make complete sense here - you are implying that the characters have a transformative nature. Perhaps do you mean the transformative nature of discovery, or the transformED nature compared their their past?transformative nature compared to their past, successfully enabling us to speculate about future possibilities. Gow’s use of personal pronoun of ‘us’ in ‘for all of us’ reaffirms Gwen’s spiritual connection with her family, as Gow confidently evaluates their hidden emotions towards each other. This enables the audience to realise the importance of communication when re-discovering themselves to renew perceptions of others and themselves. Gow’s effective use of irony through the negative connotation words such as ‘snide’ and ‘rude’ depicts Gwen’s behaviour, and lack of personal insight, highlighting the dangers of self-delusion and adherence to false values. The irony puts the audience in an uncomfortable place as they witness her rudeness to her daughter. This also allows us to see the process of challenges and curiosity, which affect a person’s self-discovery. Thus it is clear Gow's effective techniques explore the notion of relationships challenging and renewing perceptions of others and ourselves.
Many discoveries made by individuals are sudden and unexpected. This instigates the process of self-reflection and awareness in both texts. In Gows play ‘away’ the use of exaggeration in the negative connotation I'm not sure that there are negative connotations to burst? Perhaps expand on this a little. To me, I think of a bubble bursting. Try flip your words around a bit perhaps to explain why burst has negative connotations. I'd suggest that burst has connotations of change, or renewal.‘burst’ in “my heads about to burst” is reminiscent of the first steps to Gwen’s self-discovery and re-discovering something that has been lost. Gows explicitness I think this needs expanding on as well. How exactly is Gow explicit? The head isn't literally going to burst unless there was a bomb or something inside. Literality and explicitness aren't the same, but it is what I'm taking you're implying. through the negative connotation allows the audience to see the heartfelt emotions, which deepens the understanding of the concept of discovery. Through the end of the play, Gows use of soft alliteration in the repetition of ‘come down to the water, the water is so warm’ conveys Gwen’s nurturing attitude towards her relationships. The symbolism of the water connects the motif of water to the process of her self-discovery, thus being reflective of cleansing and healing the soul. Wonderful!Through this the audience is able to see the nature of unexpected discoveries and the distinguishing factors, which lead to a person's self-discovery. Similarly the butterfly circus the visual imagery Consider rephrasing this? I think you need a verb in here. of the butterfly creates an illusion Also not sure about this as well. It might make sense when the first part of the sentence is adjusted, but right now I'm not sure how this creates an illusion rather than perhaps a metaphor? If the butterflies represent the positive and spiritual changes, I think I'd talk about the connotations of renewal associated with a butterfly's life cycle and how this is a metaphor for the changes prompted by discovery. of the positive and spiritual change that renews Will’s perceptions of life. Weigel’s juxtaposed symbolism of the? long shot of the road suggests a journey to a new life. This effectively compels his inability to make physical change and to re-discover his strengths. The change of lighting compelled on Will with the contrast of light to dark, reinforces the darkness in his life. Weigel successfully conveys to the audience the positive internal change, rather than the external change to create hope in ones life. The frequent change in diegetic music becomes confronting when the community ‘mocks’ Will for his disability. Awesome! Really good. The close up shot of Mendez’s face is provocative as he is disgusted by the reaction of the community juxtaposed with the close up of Wills face evaluates the tangible nature of his heartfelt emotions. Mendez becomes a character that helps Will overcome his fears and to ‘follow his dreams’, the long shot of the circus gives a clear indication of Wills self-discovery leading to new worlds and values. Through the effectiveness of both composers techniques it is clear self-discovery can be sudden and unexpected.
One’s discovery can vary according to the different personal and social contexts, which the individual is able to experience. In ‘Away” the storm at the wilderness beach symbolizes symbolises* (American English)the negative attitude and possessions being washed away, the family’s isolation on the beach prompts introspection and questioning of their previous relationships. Gows driven symbolism allows the audience to take on new experiences and explore new discoveries within themselves. The effective symbolism of the Fire, revolving around the fire camp depicts a new start as their past has been washed away. This enhances the audience's understanding of the ramifications and that change is a progress, which leads to new discoveries. Gows symbolism of ‘Burnt” acknowledges their renewal perceptions of themselves and others. Similarly in ‘The butterfly Circus’ Weigel’s flashback establishes each character's personal discovery and their inability of transforming being washed away. Thus he/she effectively portrays their transformative self-nature compared to there past. The symbolism of the water represents the cleansing rebirth to will's transformation, effectively conveying the physical and emotional self-discovery he has accomplished. Weigel explicitly conveys meaning and heartfelt emotions through the voyage of the symbolism of the water to deepen the human understanding of physical discovery through challenges and reconciliation. Thus it is clear to re-discover yourself you are to challenge and affirm your human experiences in order to transform.
Discovery can encompass the experience of discovering something, which will impact themselves Suggest "individuals" rather than themselves, because we haven't identified the noun that is "themselves" yet in this piece.and the wider society. The low modality works well here I think!Through the authentic techniques used by both director and playwright highlights the human nature of reality and the ramifications, which differ from different perspectives. They underline the notion of discovery to stimulate a profound response upon the audience whilst portraying the notion of ramifications.
The transformative nature of self-discovery is demonstrated through the mending of physical relationships, through reconciliation and communication. In Gow’s play the negative word “hate” Rather than identifying it as a negative word, perhaps, suggest it has negative connotations instead.used so frequently by Gwen depicts angry nature at the start of the play, further implying to her unawareness of her own self at that time. Gow alerts the audience to Gwen’s assumptions about the wider society through the first person pronoun ‘I’ juxtaposed with the noun ‘people’. Gow’s anaphoric and truncated sentence Yesss anaphoric and truncated! Awesome!‘it was money, it was bread, work’ emphasizes emphasises* (American English)the
Many discoveries made by individuals are sudden and unexpected. This instigates the process of self-reflection and awareness in both texts. In Gows play ‘away’ the use of exaggeration in the negative connotation I'm not sure that there are negative connotations to burst? Perhaps expand on this a little. To me, I think of a bubble bursting. Try flip your words around a bit perhaps to explain why burst has negative connotations. I'd suggest that burst has connotations of change, or renewal.‘burst’ in “my heads about to burst” is reminiscent of the first steps to Gwen’s self-discovery and re-discovering something that has been lost. Gows explicitness I think this needs expanding on as well. How exactly is Gow explicit? The head isn't literally going to burst unless there was a bomb or something inside. Literality and explicitness aren't the same, but it is what I'm taking you're implying. through the negative connotation allows the audience to see the heartfelt emotions, which deepens the understanding of the concept of discovery. Through the end of the play, Gows use of soft alliteration in the repetition of ‘come down to the water, the water is so warm’ conveys Gwen’s nurturing attitude towards her relationships. The symbolism of the water connects the motif of water to the process of her self-discovery, thus being reflective of cleansing and healing the soul. Wonderful!Through this the audience is able to see the nature of unexpected discoveries and the distinguishing factors, which lead to a person's self-discovery. Similarly the butterfly circus the visual imagery Consider rephrasing this? I think you need a verb in here. of the butterfly creates an illusion Also not sure about this as well. It might make sense when the first part of the sentence is adjusted, but right now I'm not sure how this creates an illusion rather than perhaps a metaphor? If the butterflies represent the positive and spiritual changes, I think I'd talk about the connotations of renewal associated with a butterfly's life cycle and how this is a metaphor for the changes prompted by discovery. of the positive and spiritual change that renews Will’s perceptions of life. Weigel’s juxtaposed symbolism of the? long shot of the road suggests a journey to a new life. This effectively compels his inability to make physical change and to re-discover his strengths. The change of lighting compelled on Will with the contrast of light to dark, reinforces the darkness in his life. Weigel successfully conveys to the audience the positive internal change, rather than the external change to create hope in ones life. The frequent change in diegetic music becomes confronting when the community ‘mocks’ Will for his disability. Awesome! Really good. The close up shot of Mendez’s face is provocative as he is disgusted by the reaction of the community juxtaposed with the close up of Wills face evaluates the tangible nature of his heartfelt emotions. Mendez becomes a character that helps Will overcome his fears and to ‘follow his dreams’, the long shot of the circus gives a clear indication of Wills self-discovery leading to new worlds and values. Through the effectiveness of both composers techniques it is clear self-discovery can be sudden and unexpected.
One’s discovery can vary according to the different personal and social contexts, which the individual is able to experience. In ‘Away” the storm at the wilderness beach symbolizes symbolises* (American English)the negative attitude and possessions being washed away, the family’s isolation on the beach prompts introspection and questioning of their previous relationships. Gows driven symbolism allows the audience to take on new experiences and explore new discoveries within themselves. The effective symbolism of the Fire, revolving around the fire camp depicts a new start as their past has been washed away. This enhances the audience's understanding of the ramifications and that change is a progress, which leads to new discoveries. Gows symbolism of ‘Burnt” acknowledges their renewal perceptions of themselves and others. Similarly in ‘The butterfly Circus’ Weigel’s flashback establishes each character's personal discovery and their inability of transforming being washed away. Thus he/she effectively portrays their transformative self-nature compared to there past. The symbolism of the water represents the cleansing rebirth to will's transformation, effectively conveying the physical and emotional self-discovery he has accomplished. Weigel explicitly conveys meaning and heartfelt emotions through the voyage of the symbolism of the water to deepen the human understanding of physical discovery through challenges and reconciliation. Thus it is clear to re-discover yourself you are to challenge and affirm your human experiences in order to transform.
Discovery can encompass the experience of discovering something, which will impact themselves Suggest "individuals" rather than themselves, because we haven't identified the noun that is "themselves" yet in this piece.and the wider society. The low modality works well here I think!Through the authentic techniques used by both director and playwright highlights the human nature of reality and the ramifications, which differ from different perspectives. They underline the notion of discovery to stimulate a profound response upon the audience whilst portraying the notion of ramifications.
I have a few suggestions, and although they don't necessarily add up to a mark gained in themselves individually, together they will improve the cohesiveness of your response.
Firstly, make sure that your computer/Word is set to English (Australia) - there are a few spellings in here that are American. Ensure that you use possessive apostrophes every time a noun owns something. So, Gow owns their use of metaphor, so it becomes "Gow's use of metaphor." The possessive apostrophe is missing, and it comes up with a little squiggly line on my screen to suggest that I change it, so yours is likely to as well. I also suggest going through your essay with a fine tooth comb. When I wrote my own AOS essay, I went through and adjusted it time after time without actually truly going through and editing it properly, I kind of just kept adding to it over and over. So, I had to do the same thing as I suggest you do. Go through each and every sentence and consider your phrasing. Use the active voice more, where the noun carries the verb. "Gow manipulated the metaphor to..." is an example of the active voice. Ensure that the noun is correctly placed and formed (with the possessive apostrophe if required). A few times it appears that a word or two is missing (I've commented where), which might just mean that you need to revise each sentence to make sure it is accurately formed. Also, make sure that you clearly identify which text you are discussing. Because your paragraphs are integrated wonderfully, you make such a seamless transition between texts, that you might just need to identify the text you are discussing more clearly, just to ensure the reader is following your argument.
In terms of discovery, you've espoused a really good thesis statement. It sits strong, and it should work for you well. I've suggested a place where you could relate to discovery more, but I suggest that you keep in mind the discovery at the forefront of each sentence. Here's a hypothetical structure of a sentence or sentence pairing: "The author uses the technique ***** in the excerpt, "******" to connote feelings of renewal in the reader, thus representing the transformative nature of discovery." Of course, you can break this up into two sentence if you like. Essentially, it is important that you constantly bring back to discovery.
In all, this is a very good essay. Your analysis is totally up there, it just comes down to your expression now. I've suggested a few ways of rephrasing your sentences in order to convey your message in more effective terms, so consider applying that to all sections of your essay as you deem appropriate. I know this is a lot to take in because it's not a simple fix like "Change your thesis statement." Instead it is a number of small things that add up to create an overall cohesiveness, which markers look for. If you have any questions, please ask! The grammar stuff definitely can be confusing when it involves going back and editing. All the best! :)
Post by: Deng on August 30, 2016, 02:25:49 pm
Thanks
* I think i've reached the 15 post minimum ( unless drafts sent before the minimum was enforced don't count as posts )
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 30, 2016, 02:41:16 pm
Hey guys, i have a template discovery essay which ive been using to try answer various discovery essays, and was wondering if someone could give me feedback if i answered it correctly and to a high band5 extent
Thanks
* I think i've reached the 15 post minimum ( unless drafts sent before the minimum was enforced don't count as posts )
You are all sweet Deng, on the list ;)
Post by: elysepopplewell on August 31, 2016, 09:53:50 am
Hey guys, i have a template discovery essay which ive been using to try answer various discovery essays, and was wondering if someone could give me feedback if i answered it correctly and to a high band5 extent
Thanks
* I think i've reached the 15 post minimum ( unless drafts sent before the minimum was enforced don't count as posts )
Hey Deng!
Your essay is in the spoiler here with my comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known
Discovery and its process I'd reconsider this wording. The reason being, you are separating discovery and the process of discovery as two separate entities, without actually identifying what a discovery in itself is. Perhaps you are better off saying "The process of discovery..." or "The process of discovery, and the ramifications of discovery..."is primarily the instance of discovering what is concealed and forgotten leading to transformative change. Looking at your thesis statement overall, I'd approach it differently. You've distinguished discovery as separate from its process, and then used the word discovering later on. The wording is just a bit chunky. Consider, "The process of discovery often prompts a transformation in an individual after realising/accepting/uncovering/etc what is concealed or forgotten." The extent of transformative change within an individual is shaped by an individual’s own willingness to embrace the process leading to new attitudes and values. Discovery in “ Go Back To Where You Came From” By Ivan O’Mahoney stems from the vicarious experience of being confronted with the reality of refugee migrants and the subsequence transformative change in the participants perceptions. To me, you're suggesting that the reader is taking on this vicarious discovery. Is this your intention? Or do you in fact mean that the participants emulate the route of refugees, thus discovering? Essentially, the word "vicarious" is what suggests that I, as a viewer, will go through the transformation. Discoveries may also be planned and unexpected as seen in Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad where Marlow is confronted by the innate darkness of both the heart and land, leading to new perspectives. Thus, the process of discovery can be seen to involve uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known. Good ending!
The process of discovery can allow for emotionally challenging experiences leading to new perspectives. Love this!O’ Mahoney’s “Go Back To Where You Came From (Episode 1)” introduces each participant through indirect interviews and cut scenes to reveal their political stance on the issues of refugee migrants. Raye’s experiences in the documentary can be juxtaposed with her original perspective “serve you bastards right” versus her new perspective post Malaysian raid, where she observes of those fleeing war, that she doesn't/b]"call that criminal”. Punctuation inside the quotation marks. The use of close ups, action music and various camera angles help convey the concealed Seamless integration!nature of discovery where the change in Raye’s perspective demonstrates the process of discovery and how uncovering what is hidden alters her own opinion and offers a new perspective. Likewise, Adam is seen to undergo significant transformative change This is a little tautologous. Consider, "undergo a significant transformation" as a consequence of the concealed nature of his discovery. The planned journey in Episode 1 reveals Adam’s opinion where “ we are spending millions of dollars housing these criminals” which is contrasted with his opinion in Episode 4 “ the people who touched me the most was at the ASF Hospital” . The categorisation of refugees from criminals to people within his speech demonstrates that the process of discovery requires an individual to uncover what is hidden. Through the use of high to low camera angles to capture the shift in Adam’s opinions, the documentary demonstrates the process of Adam’s discovery of uncovering the reality of refugee migrants fostering transformative change. Thus, the process of discovery can be seen to require an individual to consider what is hidden. You've done really well here! My only suggestion is using the words of your new thesis a bit more. You've started the paragraph talking about perspectives, and continuing that word a little more will just tie the piece together I think! You've done an awesome job at talking about concealed/hidden.
Invigorating new experiences can lead to powerful insight into what is hidden becoming the impetus for meaningful change within one self. Marlow in “Heart of Darkness” is seen throughout the novella experiencing confronting and provocative discoveries within Africa leading to new perspective. “Shocking disgust of colonisation, to tear treasure out of the bowels of the land was their desire, with no moral purpose at the back of it than there is in burglars breaking into a safe” Conrad uses an anthropormophication to describe the intentions of White Settlers in Africa, where the comparison highlights the immoral actions and consequently reveals to Marlow the true intentions of Imperialism. Through the confronting and provocative nature of the discovery of man’s inner desire for greed and materialism, Marlow’s acknowledgement and resilience becomes a catalyst for change within himself. This is exemplified through “Africa had ceased to be a delightful blank space of delightful mystery – a white patch for a boy to dream gloriously over. It had become a place of darkness”. Conrad uses an analogy to highlight Marlow’s experiences within Africa provided a glimpse into the stark reality of Africa. Consequently, the discoveries witnessed by Marlow allow him to uncover what is hidden leading to new perspectives within an individual character similar to that of Go Back To Where You Came From. You have no problem with integrating text, quote, technique and analysis. It's really really good! However, you haven't said discovery here at all except for the last little bit. You've danced around discovery, so I see it! But, I think that maybe just switching some words up so that you clearly identify discovery is your aim here, or, add a sentence earlier on in the paragraph to talk about how it was the foundation for discovery, perhaps, sounds like it could be really beneficial to just bringing it in that little bit more.
By reconsidering what is known the responder are responders are or responder is - take your pick :)able to develop renewed values and acceptance towards the issue. Within “Go Back To Where You Came From”, Raye is seen to accept the confronting reality of refugee’s and consequently accepting the reasons for why they go on a boat Just being picky, I think this diminishes the journey on a boat. "They go on a boat." Consider, "accepting the motives for someone to take a journey by boat to seek asylum.". By reconsidering I'd explain who Dao is, just with a quick description of his place/connection, no more than 7 words maybe. Dao’s words “ it certainly isn’t living” in Kakuma, where the producers play am montage with a voiceover of melodramatic music to help extend Raye’s reflection onto responders. Furthermore, the montage consists of a series of images attempting to evoke sympathy and reason within both participants and audience. Thus, it is clear that Raye has underwent significant transformative change of character throughout the documentary, where emotional, spiritual and physical discoveries have helped her reconsider what is known to renew her perspective. Likewise, Roderick can be seen reflecting in Kuwait, after donating a significant amount of money. A mise-en-scene of women dancing and singing “no more rape” offers responders a sense of hope and relief. However, Roderick’s cynicism dashes the positivity in an aside where he elucidates his renewed attitudes and values believing the crux of the issue must be fixed internally, not through donations. Thus, the process of discovery reveals the necessity to reconsider what is known which consequently allows individuals to develop renewed perspectives. Awesome!
An individual’s ability to gain new eyes for an old world steams from embodying the lessons that were catalysed by their discoveries. Like Raye and Darren, Marlow comes to accept his provocative discoveries allowing him to reconsider his old perspective on Africa. Marlow acknowledges that the truth had been deliberately lost and man is combining both their principles and beliefs together to formulate a new savage societal paradigm within Africa. Through the use of an epistemological metaphor for knowledge “ The mind of man is capable of anything/let the fool gap and shudder/but truth – truth is stripped of its cloak of time/ the man knows, and can look on without a wink” demonstrate Marlow’s acceptance of the spiritual connection between the heart and mind of man through reconsidering his discoveries. Marlow’s growth as an individual is again intensified through his experiences and perspectives of Africa, where he comes to terms with the provoking spiritual discoveries of mankind. “I’ve seen the devil of violence, the devil of greed, the devil of hot desire” reflecting Marlow’s changed perspectives. Conrad uses an anecdote and metaphor of his encounters provides Marlow with the opportunity to reconsider his perspectives of humanity. Consequently, discoveries offer the ability for an individual to grow and change their sense of self as a result of reconsidering what is known.
Thus, the process of discovery demonstrates the ability to create meaningful impact through uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known leading to renewed perspectives. This conclusion isn't quite long enough. I always aimed for four sentences in my conclusion. It could be a structure like this:
-Sentence about discovery
-Sentence about prescribed text (link to discovery)
-Sentence about ORT (link to discovery)
-Encompassing sentence, that either links to the question, or your own take on discovery.
Discovery and its process I'd reconsider this wording. The reason being, you are separating discovery and the process of discovery as two separate entities, without actually identifying what a discovery in itself is. Perhaps you are better off saying "The process of discovery..." or "The process of discovery, and the ramifications of discovery..."is primarily the instance of discovering what is concealed and forgotten leading to transformative change. Looking at your thesis statement overall, I'd approach it differently. You've distinguished discovery as separate from its process, and then used the word discovering later on. The wording is just a bit chunky. Consider, "The process of discovery often prompts a transformation in an individual after realising/accepting/uncovering/etc what is concealed or forgotten." The extent of transformative change within an individual is shaped by an individual’s own willingness to embrace the process leading to new attitudes and values. Discovery in “ Go Back To Where You Came From” By Ivan O’Mahoney stems from the vicarious experience of being confronted with the reality of refugee migrants and the subsequence transformative change in the participants perceptions. To me, you're suggesting that the reader is taking on this vicarious discovery. Is this your intention? Or do you in fact mean that the participants emulate the route of refugees, thus discovering? Essentially, the word "vicarious" is what suggests that I, as a viewer, will go through the transformation. Discoveries may also be planned and unexpected as seen in Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad where Marlow is confronted by the innate darkness of both the heart and land, leading to new perspectives. Thus, the process of discovery can be seen to involve uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known. Good ending!
The process of discovery can allow for emotionally challenging experiences leading to new perspectives. Love this!O’ Mahoney’s “Go Back To Where You Came From (Episode 1)” introduces each participant through indirect interviews and cut scenes to reveal their political stance on the issues of refugee migrants. Raye’s experiences in the documentary can be juxtaposed with her original perspective “serve you bastards right” versus her new perspective post Malaysian raid, where she observes of those fleeing war, that she doesn't/b]"call that criminal”. Punctuation inside the quotation marks. The use of close ups, action music and various camera angles help convey the concealed Seamless integration!nature of discovery where the change in Raye’s perspective demonstrates the process of discovery and how uncovering what is hidden alters her own opinion and offers a new perspective. Likewise, Adam is seen to undergo significant transformative change This is a little tautologous. Consider, "undergo a significant transformation" as a consequence of the concealed nature of his discovery. The planned journey in Episode 1 reveals Adam’s opinion where “ we are spending millions of dollars housing these criminals” which is contrasted with his opinion in Episode 4 “ the people who touched me the most was at the ASF Hospital” . The categorisation of refugees from criminals to people within his speech demonstrates that the process of discovery requires an individual to uncover what is hidden. Through the use of high to low camera angles to capture the shift in Adam’s opinions, the documentary demonstrates the process of Adam’s discovery of uncovering the reality of refugee migrants fostering transformative change. Thus, the process of discovery can be seen to require an individual to consider what is hidden. You've done really well here! My only suggestion is using the words of your new thesis a bit more. You've started the paragraph talking about perspectives, and continuing that word a little more will just tie the piece together I think! You've done an awesome job at talking about concealed/hidden.
Invigorating new experiences can lead to powerful insight into what is hidden becoming the impetus for meaningful change within one self. Marlow in “Heart of Darkness” is seen throughout the novella experiencing confronting and provocative discoveries within Africa leading to new perspective. “Shocking disgust of colonisation, to tear treasure out of the bowels of the land was their desire, with no moral purpose at the back of it than there is in burglars breaking into a safe” Conrad uses an anthropormophication to describe the intentions of White Settlers in Africa, where the comparison highlights the immoral actions and consequently reveals to Marlow the true intentions of Imperialism. Through the confronting and provocative nature of the discovery of man’s inner desire for greed and materialism, Marlow’s acknowledgement and resilience becomes a catalyst for change within himself. This is exemplified through “Africa had ceased to be a delightful blank space of delightful mystery – a white patch for a boy to dream gloriously over. It had become a place of darkness”. Conrad uses an analogy to highlight Marlow’s experiences within Africa provided a glimpse into the stark reality of Africa. Consequently, the discoveries witnessed by Marlow allow him to uncover what is hidden leading to new perspectives within an individual character similar to that of Go Back To Where You Came From. You have no problem with integrating text, quote, technique and analysis. It's really really good! However, you haven't said discovery here at all except for the last little bit. You've danced around discovery, so I see it! But, I think that maybe just switching some words up so that you clearly identify discovery is your aim here, or, add a sentence earlier on in the paragraph to talk about how it was the foundation for discovery, perhaps, sounds like it could be really beneficial to just bringing it in that little bit more.
By reconsidering what is known the responder are responders are or responder is - take your pick :)able to develop renewed values and acceptance towards the issue. Within “Go Back To Where You Came From”, Raye is seen to accept the confronting reality of refugee’s and consequently accepting the reasons for why they go on a boat Just being picky, I think this diminishes the journey on a boat. "They go on a boat." Consider, "accepting the motives for someone to take a journey by boat to seek asylum.". By reconsidering I'd explain who Dao is, just with a quick description of his place/connection, no more than 7 words maybe. Dao’s words “ it certainly isn’t living” in Kakuma, where the producers play a
An individual’s ability to gain new eyes for an old world ste
Thus, the process of discovery demonstrates the ability to create meaningful impact through uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known leading to renewed perspectives. This conclusion isn't quite long enough. I always aimed for four sentences in my conclusion. It could be a structure like this:
-Sentence about discovery
-Sentence about prescribed text (link to discovery)
-Sentence about ORT (link to discovery)
-Encompassing sentence, that either links to the question, or your own take on discovery.
You've done an awesome job here. The way that you link quote, technique, and analysis together is sooooo good. It's now just about elevating the original thesis statement, introduction and conclusion I think! I usually make a big comment down the end here if there's some structural things to look at. But, realistically there isn't for your essay, and it's just about going back and seeing how everything is written, and seeing if you think it communicates your idea as best as you want! Let me know if you have any questions :)
Post by: Deng on August 31, 2016, 11:17:10 pm
Thanks again!
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 01, 2016, 10:23:12 am
Thanks Elyse, i am just wondering since this was like a generic discovery essay i moulded into the question how would i create new thesis' on the spot, thats what i seem to be having trouble with the most and a conclusion
Thanks again!
I see what you mean! But you've actually got a lot of thesis material in your introduction right now. You answer the question posted at the top of the comment, so that's cool. But you also introduce the idea of discoveries being transformative, and also discoveries being unplanned. So you've got the ground work for making a great thesis.
So, I'd kind of go in with a semi prepared one rather than making it up on the spot. Offer yourself some flexibility, but plan it enough that you take out the panic in the exam. So, perhaps go in with a thesis that says something about the transformative nature of discovery. Then you've already got the planned/unplanned nature sitting later in your introduction to bring forward too if you need. AND, you'll have the essay question to also give you some direction. Does that sound like it would work with your style?
Post by: conic curve on September 15, 2016, 05:15:54 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 15, 2016, 05:29:55 pm
In the AOS essay, is it necessary to talk about context at all?
Hey conic! Not mandatory, but it can enhance your argument, so it's up to you! You can definitely get 15/15 without it ;D
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 15, 2016, 08:55:39 pm
yet again I didn't go so well in the trials and I need extensive detailed feedback
1. do I have enough quotes/techniques
2. does it make sense
3. does it flow
please help thank you!!!
PS oh sorry that post is meant to have 1 attachment, Im not sure how to edit attachments, they are both the same, sorry :)
Moderator Edit: Merged Posts
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 16, 2016, 12:35:40 am
hiii will you be able to mark my AOS essay please
yet again I didn't go so well in the trials and I need extensive detailed feedback
1. do I have enough quotes/techniques
2. does it make sense
3. does it flow
please help thank you!!!
PS oh sorry that post is meant to have 1 attachment, Im not sure how to edit attachments, they are both the same, sorry :)
Moderator Edit: Merged Posts
Hey Emilie! I'd be keen to help, but you are one post short of receiving feedback! You can come and introduce yourself to everyone here if you like, that will bring you up to 30!
I'll keep an eye out for when you hit 30 posts! You'll need 45 to get both of the essays you posted this evening marked, feel free to let me know which one you'd prefer one first, or if not I'll do this one first :)
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 16, 2016, 05:16:32 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 18, 2016, 12:27:33 am
hiii will you be able to mark my AOS essay please
yet again I didn't go so well in the trials and I need extensive detailed feedback
1. do I have enough quotes/techniques
2. does it make sense
3. does it flow
please help thank you!!!
PS oh sorry that post is meant to have 1 attachment, Im not sure how to edit attachments, they are both the same, sorry :)
Moderator Edit: Merged Posts
Hey! Definitely can, your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold! ;D
Spoiler
One cannot experience a discovery without being transformed by its ramifications. Good Thesis, though a little stock standard. I'd like to see you develop this a little more; what sorts of transformations are you talking about here? The playwright “Away”, by Michael Gow and the novel “The Book Thief” written by Brian Percival, both emotionally power our human spirit to gain a deeper sense of the human condition. Good, but again, a tad more elaboration on 'the human condition' would be beneficial to you. The play, demonstrates that leaving negative situations behind, one will be able to find positive new pathways whilst the novel goes even further to suggest that without any true sense of discovery, one may come to be insecure to the point that they disvalue life. Ultimately, both authors support the fact that renewed insights enable an individual’s compassion come together with the human spirit and psyche to gain intensely new views of the world in a more positive manner. Slight expression issue there. Through a consideration of the theme of discovery with regards to family and relationships, these texts invite the audience to explore the safety and timidity of relationships and the impact of letting go which develops an individual’s sense of self.Overall, a good introduction! Some slight tweaks to make your ideas a little clearer would be all I'd recommend here.
The soothing influence of nature can lead individuals out of their comfort zones to fresh discoveries of themselves and others. Negative situations allow an individual to develop a deeper insight into what they are capable of. I'm a little unclear about this concept right now, those two sentences don't mesh for me. They read as very different ideas. The play, Away, was written in the time of the abolishment of the White Australia policy, hence lots of migrants were coming into Australia during the time of the play. This is depicted in the start where Coral’s husband, Roy, cannot pronounce non-Australian names in the beginning, “Mrs Papa…Papalapa…Papalax”. Technique here? Try not to use plot elements to communicate your ideas. Gow portrays that each individual must get out of their comfort zones in order to discover new insights of the world. In Act 1, scene 3, Coral is portrayed having to unwillingly let go of the memories of her son passed away in the Vietnam War. Gow has used intertexuality to emphasise the grief and pain that Coral’s character was going through. Coral reflects on her viewing of the student production of a Midsummer Night’s Dream. She says in a soliloquy that, “I wiped away my tears”, followed by a rhetorical question, “What angels wake me from my flowery bed?” You could be more concise by eliminating the retell and jumping straight into the analysis; you just spent 4-5 sentences doing what you could have done in one (take all the pieces in red and put them into a sentence. In order to question the impact of the death of her son in the Vietnam War. The playlet, “Strangers on the Shore” which she and Tom co-write, Coral plays a mermaid who grows legs and learns to reach for her goals by interacting with nature. Retell. Coral says to Tom in this scene, “I cannot walk, I am afraid”, followed by “I’m walking, I’m walking!” Retell. The repetition of “walking” symbolises that discovery emotionally reflects the human interaction of taking small steps at a time to overcome this grief. Try to put your technique in the same sentence as your quote (helps with flow). The exclamation mark indicates Coral’s delayed acceptance of reality to let go of the past and move onto a fresh new life. Gow’s effective use of intertexuality and repetition reassures that an individual’s development of deeper insights into their capabilities is greatly influenced by the negative of grieving situations that they encounter through the course of life. This is a solid paragraph, but it needs more focus on analysis/techniques, and a stronger conceptual focus. I don't get much on the "soothing nature" idea throughout this paragraph, pick one idea and stick to it.
Renewed insights of one’s mind may modify one’s attitude, causing them to have diverse viewpoints of the world. Better, a good concise statement of concept! The film, The Book Thief 2005, demonstrates the emotional and physical discoveries that take place following the awful treatments of family and loved ones by others. The link between this sentence and the last is again a little shaky, make it obvious how this relates to "renewed insights" and "diverse viewpoints". Juxtaposition of the mystical influence with the profane beliefs during the rule of Nazi party and Hitler encountered in WW11 occurs in The Book Thief, when in the novel, Germany was invaded by Hitler supports thus causing inhumane treatment to those who were Jewish. Expression issue there; read your essay aloud to catch places that don't quite sound right (read it to a friend for an even better insight). Renewed insights of the political, Nazi party are depicted in chapter 2, where 9 year old Liesel’s life is narrated through by the personified Death. Retell. Zusak personification and rhetorical question, ‘Papa, why did they take her away? She hasn’t done anything wrong, she should be here with us”, signal her upsetting discoveries as a result of Hitler’s regime. What does this show the audience about your concept? Be sure to link everything back to that first sentence. The rhetorical question reflects the persona’s distraught views of her mother being taken away. The deliberate alliteration of the letter “T”, in “Ten thousand people in the Germany society, tortured”, emphasises Liesel’s realisations of the torture of Jews by Hitler. Thus revealing? The recurring motif of “sleep” throughout the novel transitions the persona from the physical world to metaphysical in order to more deeply reflect on the nature of her discoveries. Good. For instance, the novel narrates that “Liesel had drifted back to sleep from her obligatory nightmare”, which reflects the ongoing nature of her difficult experience of the Nazi regime in her life and her desire to discover a better one by escaping it through sleep. Zusak demonstrates Liesel’s emerging outlook of tolerance towards others by giving Liesel’s character a reason to step out of the threshold of her comfort zone, gets out of her comfort zone to interrogate one of the members of the Nazi party, through the use of an exclamation mark and rhetorical question, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t right; you are destroying everyone’s lives!” followed by a dialogue spoken by the personification of death, “She has gone through out. She has cheated death for a good reason”. Slightly too long in that sentence, split it up. This encapsulates that the prospect of life can be limited until one decides to change, thus impacting one’s visions of the world.
Through both of these texts, an individual’s perceptions of the human soul and essence are renewed allowing one to experience emotional discoveries about themselves and others. Both Away, by Michael Gow and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak exemplify that in order for an individual to gain a fresh new perspective of the world, they must go through difficulties such as losing a loved one, moving on and sticking up themselves and others. This isn't a concept that you've emphasised in this essay: It only played a small role in your Thesis, I think it should be the focus because it works well! It is a part of the human character to cherish and encounter undesirable experiences to view the world in a diverse perspective. The diversity of human perspectives can be developed by the upsetting and distressing experiences one encounters in life.
The soothing influence of nature can lead individuals out of their comfort zones to fresh discoveries of themselves and others. Negative situations allow an individual to develop a deeper insight into what they are capable of. I'm a little unclear about this concept right now, those two sentences don't mesh for me. They read as very different ideas. The play, Away, was written in the time of the abolishment of the White Australia policy, hence lots of migrants were coming into Australia during the time of the play. This is depicted in the start where Coral’s husband, Roy, cannot pronounce non-Australian names in the beginning, “Mrs Papa…Papalapa…Papalax”. Technique here? Try not to use plot elements to communicate your ideas. Gow portrays that each individual must get out of their comfort zones in order to discover new insights of the world. In Act 1, scene 3, Coral is portrayed having to unwillingly let go of the memories of her son passed away in the Vietnam War. Gow has used intertexuality to emphasise the grief and pain that Coral’s character was going through. Coral reflects on her viewing of the student production of a Midsummer Night’s Dream. She says in a soliloquy that, “I wiped away my tears”, followed by a rhetorical question, “What angels wake me from my flowery bed?” You could be more concise by eliminating the retell and jumping straight into the analysis; you just spent 4-5 sentences doing what you could have done in one (take all the pieces in red and put them into a sentence. In order to question the impact of the death of her son in the Vietnam War. The playlet, “Strangers on the Shore” which she and Tom co-write, Coral plays a mermaid who grows legs and learns to reach for her goals by interacting with nature. Retell. Coral says to Tom in this scene, “I cannot walk, I am afraid”, followed by “I’m walking, I’m walking!” Retell. The repetition of “walking” symbolises that discovery emotionally reflects the human interaction of taking small steps at a time to overcome this grief. Try to put your technique in the same sentence as your quote (helps with flow). The exclamation mark indicates Coral’s delayed acceptance of reality to let go of the past and move onto a fresh new life. Gow’s effective use of intertexuality and repetition reassures that an individual’s development of deeper insights into their capabilities is greatly influenced by the negative of grieving situations that they encounter through the course of life. This is a solid paragraph, but it needs more focus on analysis/techniques, and a stronger conceptual focus. I don't get much on the "soothing nature" idea throughout this paragraph, pick one idea and stick to it.
Renewed insights of one’s mind may modify one’s attitude, causing them to have diverse viewpoints of the world. Better, a good concise statement of concept! The film, The Book Thief 2005, demonstrates the emotional and physical discoveries that take place following the awful treatments of family and loved ones by others. The link between this sentence and the last is again a little shaky, make it obvious how this relates to "renewed insights" and "diverse viewpoints". Juxtaposition of the mystical influence with the profane beliefs during the rule of Nazi party and Hitler encountered in WW11 occurs in The Book Thief, when in the novel, Germany was invaded by Hitler supports thus causing inhumane treatment to those who were Jewish. Expression issue there; read your essay aloud to catch places that don't quite sound right (read it to a friend for an even better insight). Renewed insights of the political, Nazi party are depicted in chapter 2, where 9 year old Liesel’s life is narrated through by the personified Death. Retell. Zusak personification and rhetorical question, ‘Papa, why did they take her away? She hasn’t done anything wrong, she should be here with us”, signal her upsetting discoveries as a result of Hitler’s regime. What does this show the audience about your concept? Be sure to link everything back to that first sentence. The rhetorical question reflects the persona’s distraught views of her mother being taken away. The deliberate alliteration of the letter “T”, in “Ten thousand people in the Germany society, tortured”, emphasises Liesel’s realisations of the torture of Jews by Hitler. Thus revealing? The recurring motif of “sleep” throughout the novel transitions the persona from the physical world to metaphysical in order to more deeply reflect on the nature of her discoveries. Good. For instance, the novel narrates that “Liesel had drifted back to sleep from her obligatory nightmare”, which reflects the ongoing nature of her difficult experience of the Nazi regime in her life and her desire to discover a better one by escaping it through sleep. Zusak demonstrates Liesel’s emerging outlook of tolerance towards others by giving Liesel’s character a reason to step out of the threshold of her comfort zone, gets out of her comfort zone to interrogate one of the members of the Nazi party, through the use of an exclamation mark and rhetorical question, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t right; you are destroying everyone’s lives!” followed by a dialogue spoken by the personification of death, “She has gone through out. She has cheated death for a good reason”. Slightly too long in that sentence, split it up. This encapsulates that the prospect of life can be limited until one decides to change, thus impacting one’s visions of the world.
Through both of these texts, an individual’s perceptions of the human soul and essence are renewed allowing one to experience emotional discoveries about themselves and others. Both Away, by Michael Gow and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak exemplify that in order for an individual to gain a fresh new perspective of the world, they must go through difficulties such as losing a loved one, moving on and sticking up themselves and others. This isn't a concept that you've emphasised in this essay: It only played a small role in your Thesis, I think it should be the focus because it works well! It is a part of the human character to cherish and encounter undesirable experiences to view the world in a diverse perspective. The diversity of human perspectives can be developed by the upsetting and distressing experiences one encounters in life.
This is a solid essay Emilee, good work on your textual references and a solid introduction! I'd have two main recommendations:
First, eliminating retell. You spend a noticeable amount of time reconstructing the plot and what happened in your texts; Remember the markers know this already! Removing this and other unnecessary aspects will let you be more concise. For example:
Gow portrays that each individual must get out of their comfort zones in order to discover new insights of the world. In Act 1, scene 3, Coral is portrayed having to unwillingly let go of the memories of her son passed away in the Vietnam War. Gow has used intertexuality to emphasise the grief and pain that Coral’s character was going through. Coral reflects on her viewing of the student production of a Midsummer Night’s Dream. She says in a soliloquy that, “I wiped away my tears”, followed by a rhetorical question, “What angels wake me from my flowery bed?”
This could all be shrunk down to:
Gow's use of rhetorical question and intertextual allusion to 'Midsummer Night's Dream' in Coral's soliloquy, "What angels wake me from my flowery bed?", emphasises the grief of the character and thus shows how an individual must get out of their comfort zone in order to discover new insights.
May have changed what you were going for slightly; but you get the idea: Remove all retell and focus on your own analysis!
And there lies my second recommendation; ensure every textual reference is supported with strong analysis! Go to TEA:
- Technique in the quote
- Explain what the quote is doing/why it is there
- Audience? What is the effect on us? What do we learn?
Following this scaffold will ensure you maximise the effectiveness of each reference; right now only some of your quotes have techniques, and fixing that will push your essay into a higher mark range ;D
Good work Emilee! I hope this feedback proves helpful for you! ;D
Post by: conic curve on September 18, 2016, 12:35:18 am
Next time if anyone want's feedback and hasn't reached the 15 posts rule, I can mark it for them, however my feedback will not be as good as others like Jamon and Elyse's so for quality feedback you will need 15 posts, for my not so good feedback from me, free of charge ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 18, 2016, 11:39:44 am
Dammit I didn't come in time to help, oh well :'(
Next time if anyone want's feedback and hasn't reached the 15 posts rule, I can mark it for them, however my feedback will not be as good as others like Jamon and Elyse's so for quality feedback you will need 15 posts, for my not so good feedback from me, free of charge ;D
Editing other's work will improve your own writing skills too! Keep up the good work :)
Post by: conic curve on September 18, 2016, 06:01:37 pm
Editing other's work will improve your own writing skills too! Keep up the good work :)
Aha thanks for the kind words Elyse :)
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 18, 2016, 08:49:25 pm
1. is there any other way I can structure it because I realised there is only two body paragraphs
I feel like I should talk about my texts a little bit more because I only have 850+ words but not sure how to make it equal
thankyou
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 18, 2016, 09:20:34 pm
hey I edited this essay aswell
1. is there any other way I can structure it because I realised there is only two body paragraphs
I feel like I should talk about my texts a little bit more because I only have 850+ words but not sure how to make it equal
thankyou
You will need to hit 60 posts for me/Elyse to give it another mark, but maybe one of our awesome members who've been peer marking might like to cast their eye? You've been posting a heap, so I doubt it will take long to get to 60, I'll keep my eye on this ;)
Post by: conic curve on September 18, 2016, 09:21:55 pm
The irritating influence of nature can lead individuals out of their comfort zones to fresh discoveries of themselves and others. Negative situations negative situations such as what? allow an individual to develop a deeper insight into what they are capable of. The play, Away, was written in the time of the abolishment of the White Australia policy I think it's neccessary to expand more on the historical context. This is depicted in the start where Coral’s husband, Roy, cannot pronounce non-Australian names in the beginning, “Mrs Papa…Papalapa…Papalax”. Gow uses repetition to allow the audience to recall the historical events of what? that have occurred during this time, hence the amount of migrants came to Australia during the time of the play try to explain a bit more about the context.
Gow's use of rhetorical question and intertextual allusion to 'Midsummer Night's Dream' what is he alluding/referring to in a Midsummer's night dream?in Coral's soliloquy, "What angels wake me from my flowery bed?" I don't think you've explained this techniqe and what it means., which emphasises the grief of the character, Coral as she is unwilling to let go of her son that passed away in the Vietnam War and thus shows how an individual must get out of their comfort zone in order to discover new insights new insights of what?. Gow implements the playlet, Strangers on the Shore, in which demonstrates to the audience Coral’s renewed insights of life, “I cannot walk, I am afraid’ followed by the use of exclamation mark and repetition of “walking” in “I’m walking, I’m walking! Indicating to the audience that discovery emotionally reflects the human interaction of taking small steps at a time to overcome grief thus shows how an individual may be delayed to accept reality and move onto a new life. Gow’s effective use of intertexuality and repetition reassures that an individual’s development of deeper insights into their capabilities is greatly influenced by the negative of grieving situations that they encounter through the course of life try to explain this with an example i.e. how coral has overcome her grief.
Renewed insights of one’s mind may modify one’s attitude example of this?, causing them to have diverse viewpoints of the world such as?. The film, The Book Thief 2005, demonstrates the emotional and physical discoveries that take place where? allowing an individual to discover renewed insights of the world please expand on this. Juxtaposition of the mystical country with the profane beliefs of the Nazi party rule as well as Hitler in WW1, Zusak portrays the invasion of Hitler supporters in Germany thus causing a change in one’ attitude towards others including Jews. Zusak demonstrates the horrors of the Nazi Party by using the personified Death as Liesel’s narrator. Zusak personification and rhetorical question, ‘Papa, why did they take her away? She hasn’t done anything wrong, she should be here with us”, which signal her upsetting discoveries as a result of Hitler’s regime. The audience can reflect on the historical moments in Germany, thus allowing them to have varied attitudes towards religious parties such as?. The rhetorical question of what? reflects the persona’s distraught views of her mother being taken away. The deliberate alliteration of the letter “T”, in “Ten thousand people in the Germany society, tortured”, emphasises Liesel’s realisations of the torture of Jews by Hitler thus revealing the inhumane treatment of civilians try to explain how they were inhumanely treated. The recurring motif of “sleep” throughout the novel transitions the persona from the physical world of what? to metaphysical of what? in order to more deeply reflect on the nature of her discoveries what sort of discoveries. For instance, the novel narrates that “Liesel had drifted back to sleep from her obligatory nightmare”, which reflects the ongoing nature of her difficult experience of the Nazi regime in her life what sort of difficult experience? and her desire to discover a better one by escaping it through sleep. Zusak uses rhetorical questions and exclamation mark, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t right; you are destroying everyone’s lives!” Followed by a dialogue spoken by the personification of death, “She has gone through out. She has cheated death for a good reason”, encapsulating that the prospect of life can be limited until one decides to change, thus impacting one’s visions of the world. try to provide an example to back this up
Through both of these texts instead I'd say Away and The Book thief, an individual’s perceptions of the human soul and essence are renewed allowing one to experience emotional discoveries about themselves and others. Both Away, by Michael Gow and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak exemplify that one cannot experience a discovery without being socially transformed by its ramifications such as?. It is a part of the human condition to cherish and encounter undesirable experiences to view the world in a diverse perspective such as?. The diversity of human perspectives can be developed by the upsetting and distressing experiences one encounters in life such as?.
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 21, 2016, 09:22:08 pm
should I split the paragraphs into 4? Because there's only 2 massive body paragraphs
thankyou soo much!
Could you also give a realistic mark please?
Moderator edit: Merged double post.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 25, 2016, 10:34:57 pm
hey can you look at my aos essay please
should I split the paragraphs into 4? Because there's only 2 massive body paragraphs
thankyou soo much!
Could you also give a realistic mark please?
Moderator edit: Merged double post.
(In response to the removed post), I have seen this! I was waiting for you to meet post count, which you did yesterday, so you are on the list! Everyone waiting on marking should be all caught up by tomorrow ;D
Post by: BPunjabi on September 26, 2016, 02:29:02 pm
So this is my essay, I wanted to know what I could fix up, could you also please incorporate a mark out of 20 you would give me. Thanks.
I also incorporated some of Elyses tips from the lecture.
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The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found.
‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities.
Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence.
Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.
Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her.
The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives.
Post by: RuiAce on September 26, 2016, 02:35:13 pm
Just wanted to say... Wow you guys are awesome. Went to your lecture yesterday to see Adv. English and Ancient and it was epic. You guys really know your stuff. Elyse cheers, learnt so much which my teacher hasn't taught us.Sorry, you need 15 posts before you can access the essay marking service :) this is just to ensure the service remains attainable for the markers, once you've hit 15 posts we can get you some feedback! You may want to start here!
So this is my essay, I wanted to know what I could fix up, could you also please incorporate a mark out of 20 you would give me. Thanks.
I also incorporated some of Elyses tips from the lecture.
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essay
Jamon* Edit: Added a link to get started ;)
Another Jamon Edit: Oi, Rui, don't edit my edits. Edit-ception ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 26, 2016, 04:51:35 pm
hey can you look at my aos essay please
should I split the paragraphs into 4? Because there's only 2 massive body paragraphs
thankyou soo much!
Could you also give a realistic mark please?
Moderator edit: Merged double post.
Hey!! I've attached your essay in the spoiler below, comments throughout in bold as usual ;)
Spoiler
In order for one to gain new perspectives of the world, they must encounter obstacles as such as losing a loved one and moving on. Good starting sentence! I'd like to see you expand this a little, how does this result in new perspective? The playwright “Away”, by Michael Gow demonstrates the difficulty of moving away from deaths of loved ones and discovering fresh insights of the world whilst the novel “The Book Thief” written by Markus Zusak, goes even further to highlight the inhumane treatment of the Nazi party towards the Jews, without any true sense of discovery, one may come insecure to discover new insights of the world. Sentence slightly too long, split in half. Both emotionally power our human spirit to gain a deeper sense of the human condition including as each individual goes through hardship in which they find out their true sense of self. Expression issue. Both composers support the fact that renewed insights enable an individual’s compassion to come together with the human spirit and psyche to gain intensely new views of the world in a more positive manner. Good. Through a consideration of the theme of discovery with regards to family and relationships, these texts invite the audience to explore the safety and timidity of relationships and the impact of letting go which develops an individual’s sense of self. Excellent introduction on the whole! A little more explanation of the Thesis BEFORE you introduce the texts would beneficial, as would some list/indicator of what each paragraph will discuss.
The irritating influence of nature can lead individuals out of their comfort zones to fresh discoveries of themselves and others. What do you mean by "irritating influence of nature?" A little more clarity needed here. Negative situations such as grieving loss of loved ones allow an individual to develop a deeper insight into what they are capable of. Good, but again, a clearer link between the first sentence and this one is needed. The play, Away, was written in the time of the abolishment of the White Australia policy in 1965, where all political parties had removed the policy from their political platforms, thus integrating diverse names in the country. You could remove the phrase in red; be succinct! This is depicted in the start where Coral’s husband, Roy, cannot pronounce non-Australian names in the beginning, “Mrs Papa…Papalapa…Papalax”. Gow uses repetition to allow the audience to recall the historical events of Australia that have occurred during this time, hence the amount of migrants came to Australia during the time of the play. Try to get your techniques and quotes into the same sentence; it will improve your flow and in general improve the sophistication of your ideas. It minimises the work done by the marker to connect your ideas together. Gow's use of rhetorical question, emotive language and intertextual allusion to 'Midsummer Night's Dream' in Coral's soliloquy, "What angels wake me from my flowery bed?" questions the grief of the character, Coral, as she is unwilling to let go of her son that passed away in the Vietnam War and thus shows how an individual must get out of their comfort zone in order to discover new insights of the world. PERFECT! That's better, putting the technique and quote together makes a big difference. Gow implements the playlet, Strangers on the Shore, in which demonstrates to the audience Coral’s renewed insights of life, “I cannot walk, I am afraid’ followed by the use of exclamation mark and repetition of “walking” in “I’m walking, I’m walking! Indicating to the audience that discovery emotionally reflects the human interaction of taking small steps at a time to overcome grief thus shows how an individual may be delayed to accept reality and move onto a new life. Sentence too long, trim it down/cut in half. Gow’s effective use of intertexuality and repetition reassures that an individual’s development of deeper insights into their capabilities is greatly influenced by the negative of grieving situations that they encounter through the course of life by taking small steps at a time.A concluding sentence would benefit you here.
Renewed insights of one’s mind may modify one’s attitude in a negative manner causing them to have diverse viewpoints of the world. The novel, The Book Thief demonstrates the emotional and physical discoveries that take place in their society allowing an individual to discover renewed insights of the community. Good! Juxtaposition of the mystical country with the profane beliefs of the Nazi party rule as well as Hitler in WW1, Zusak portrays the invasion of Hitler supporters in Germany thus causing a change in one’s attitude towards others including Jews. Could you give me an example of HOW this juxtaposition is achieved? Zusak demonstrates the horrors of the Nazi Party by using the personification of Death as Liesel’s narrator. Zusak uses personification and rhetorical question, ‘Papa, why did they take her away? She hasn’t done anything wrong, she should be here with us”, which signal her upsetting discoveries as a result of Hitler’s regime. What does this show about your idea in general? Zusak uses rhetorical question to reflects the persona’s distraught views of her mother being taken away. The audience can reflect on the historical moments in Germany, thus allowing them to have varied attitudes towards religious parties such as the Nazi Party. Excellent audience link there. The deliberate alliteration of the letter “T”, in “Ten thousand people in the Germany society, tortured”, emphasises Liesel’s realisations of the torture of Jews by Hitler thus revealing the inhumane treatment of civilians such as genocide. You don't need to specify the letter being used in alliteration! The recurring motif of “sleep” throughout the novel transitions the persona from the physical world of realism to metaphysical in order to more deeply reflect on the nature of her emotional discoveries. Thus, showing the audience _______. Be careful not to slip into retell! For instance, the novel narrates that “Liesel had drifted back to sleep from her obligatory nightmare”, which reflects the ongoing nature of her difficult experience of the Nazi regime in her life such as the kidnapping of her Jewish friend and her desire to discover a better one by escaping it through sleep. Again, try to make your concepts abstracted from the text a little; the text is the example, not the idea. Zusak uses rhetorical questions and exclamation mark, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t right; you are destroying everyone’s lives!” Followed by a dialogue spoken by the personification of death, “She has gone through out. She has cheated death for a good reason”, encapsulating that the prospect of life can be limited until one decides to change, thus impacting one’s visions of the world. Again, you need a concluding sentence summarising your ideas!
Through both of these texts, Away and The Book thief, an individual’s perceptions of the human soul and essence are renewed allowing one to experience emotional discoveries about themselves and others. Both Away, by Michael Gow and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak exemplify that one cannot experience a discovery without being socially transformed by its ramifications such as the kidnapping and loss of a loved one. Good. It is a part of the human condition to cherish and encounter undesirable experiences to view the world in a diverse perspective in order to discovery new insights. The diversity of human perspectives can be developed by the upsetting and distressing experiences one encounters in life which reflects one’s personal and emotional discovery. Nice, solid conclusion!
The irritating influence of nature can lead individuals out of their comfort zones to fresh discoveries of themselves and others. What do you mean by "irritating influence of nature?" A little more clarity needed here. Negative situations such as grieving loss of loved ones allow an individual to develop a deeper insight into what they are capable of. Good, but again, a clearer link between the first sentence and this one is needed. The play, Away, was written in the time of the abolishment of the White Australia policy in 1965, where all political parties had removed the policy from their political platforms, thus integrating diverse names in the country. You could remove the phrase in red; be succinct! This is depicted in the start where Coral’s husband, Roy, cannot pronounce non-Australian names in the beginning, “Mrs Papa…Papalapa…Papalax”. Gow uses repetition to allow the audience to recall the historical events of Australia that have occurred during this time, hence the amount of migrants came to Australia during the time of the play. Try to get your techniques and quotes into the same sentence; it will improve your flow and in general improve the sophistication of your ideas. It minimises the work done by the marker to connect your ideas together. Gow's use of rhetorical question, emotive language and intertextual allusion to 'Midsummer Night's Dream' in Coral's soliloquy, "What angels wake me from my flowery bed?" questions the grief of the character, Coral, as she is unwilling to let go of her son that passed away in the Vietnam War and thus shows how an individual must get out of their comfort zone in order to discover new insights of the world. PERFECT! That's better, putting the technique and quote together makes a big difference. Gow implements the playlet, Strangers on the Shore, in which demonstrates to the audience Coral’s renewed insights of life, “I cannot walk, I am afraid’ followed by the use of exclamation mark and repetition of “walking” in “I’m walking, I’m walking! Indicating to the audience that discovery emotionally reflects the human interaction of taking small steps at a time to overcome grief thus shows how an individual may be delayed to accept reality and move onto a new life. Sentence too long, trim it down/cut in half. Gow’s effective use of intertexuality and repetition reassures that an individual’s development of deeper insights into their capabilities is greatly influenced by the negative of grieving situations that they encounter through the course of life by taking small steps at a time.A concluding sentence would benefit you here.
Renewed insights of one’s mind may modify one’s attitude in a negative manner causing them to have diverse viewpoints of the world. The novel, The Book Thief demonstrates the emotional and physical discoveries that take place in their society allowing an individual to discover renewed insights of the community. Good! Juxtaposition of the mystical country with the profane beliefs of the Nazi party rule as well as Hitler in WW1, Zusak portrays the invasion of Hitler supporters in Germany thus causing a change in one’s attitude towards others including Jews. Could you give me an example of HOW this juxtaposition is achieved? Zusak demonstrates the horrors of the Nazi Party by using the personification of Death as Liesel’s narrator. Zusak uses personification and rhetorical question, ‘Papa, why did they take her away? She hasn’t done anything wrong, she should be here with us”, which signal her upsetting discoveries as a result of Hitler’s regime. What does this show about your idea in general? Zusak uses rhetorical question to reflects the persona’s distraught views of her mother being taken away. The audience can reflect on the historical moments in Germany, thus allowing them to have varied attitudes towards religious parties such as the Nazi Party. Excellent audience link there. The deliberate alliteration of the letter “T”, in “Ten thousand people in the Germany society, tortured”, emphasises Liesel’s realisations of the torture of Jews by Hitler thus revealing the inhumane treatment of civilians such as genocide. You don't need to specify the letter being used in alliteration! The recurring motif of “sleep” throughout the novel transitions the persona from the physical world of realism to metaphysical in order to more deeply reflect on the nature of her emotional discoveries. Thus, showing the audience _______. Be careful not to slip into retell! For instance, the novel narrates that “Liesel had drifted back to sleep from her obligatory nightmare”, which reflects the ongoing nature of her difficult experience of the Nazi regime in her life such as the kidnapping of her Jewish friend and her desire to discover a better one by escaping it through sleep. Again, try to make your concepts abstracted from the text a little; the text is the example, not the idea. Zusak uses rhetorical questions and exclamation mark, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t right; you are destroying everyone’s lives!” Followed by a dialogue spoken by the personification of death, “She has gone through out. She has cheated death for a good reason”, encapsulating that the prospect of life can be limited until one decides to change, thus impacting one’s visions of the world. Again, you need a concluding sentence summarising your ideas!
Through both of these texts, Away and The Book thief, an individual’s perceptions of the human soul and essence are renewed allowing one to experience emotional discoveries about themselves and others. Both Away, by Michael Gow and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak exemplify that one cannot experience a discovery without being socially transformed by its ramifications such as the kidnapping and loss of a loved one. Good. It is a part of the human condition to cherish and encounter undesirable experiences to view the world in a diverse perspective in order to discovery new insights. The diversity of human perspectives can be developed by the upsetting and distressing experiences one encounters in life which reflects one’s personal and emotional discovery. Nice, solid conclusion!
This is a great essay Emilee, definitely a massive stride in the right direction!! Much stronger concepts, better analytical style, less focus on retell, and a good structure!! I do think you might consider a third paragraph, at the expense of shortening the two you have, but what you have now works well also ;D
My overall areas of improvement are pretty limited! This is a great response. Remember to watch your expression, still a few pesky issues in there, mostly caused by sentences being too long. Trim them down, keep it punchy and powerful :)
Also, be sure to make your conceptual ideas distinct from the text. In your second body paragraph particularly, I noticed that you were basically explaining what the characters were feeling and how they were impacted. This is okay, but more effective would be to examine the concept more generally. Like, "Yes, this can cause feelings of despair, and this example from the book proves it," sort of thing. The idea should be separate from the text; take the text away and your idea still stands :)
Great work Emilee!! You should start trying to apply this to practice questions now, making sure it can be adapted appropriately ;D
Post by: Emerald99 on September 28, 2016, 07:49:02 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 28, 2016, 09:27:24 pm
Just wanted to say... Wow you guys are awesome. Went to your lecture yesterday to see Adv. English and Ancient and it was epic. You guys really know your stuff. Elyse cheers, learnt so much which my teacher hasn't taught us.
So this is my essay, I wanted to know what I could fix up, could you also please incorporate a mark out of 20 you would give me. Thanks.
I also incorporated some of Elyses tips from the lecture.
Rui's told you about the post limit above, but I want to say a big big thanks for coming to the lectures! Ash is stoked to hear that you enjoyed hers too! Kind words mean a lot :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 28, 2016, 09:45:16 pm
is it unsophisticated if we write two body paragraphs normally but the second body paragraph (the related text paragraph) we do the 1-2 sentence link back to the first paragraph but in the third paragraph its integrated. So 1 &2 normal body paras and 3 is integrated? does that ruin the flow and make the structure confusing?
Nope - that's just fine! :)
Post by: BPunjabi on September 30, 2016, 04:05:00 pm
Ok here it is, also what mark out of 20 would you give me for it:
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found.
‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities.
Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence.
Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.
Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her.
The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives.
Thank you so much,
BPunjabi
Post by: fizzy.123 on October 05, 2016, 02:18:59 am
Thank you!
Discovery is a multifaceted process providing renewed insight for individuals and society. The dislocation of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a 2011 TV documentary series, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging individual beliefs. The displacement of individuals becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the contemporary societal assumptions and activism in understanding individual experience.
Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. The initial instability in the human condition restricted the individual connection with the plight of others in Go Back. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, signifying his military background that creates a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant, Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the discovery. Similarly, the growth of Adam can also be seen through the documentary. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. However, the close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.
Discovery of power and traditional perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to further represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.
Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and overwhelming. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The feelings of distress associated with dislocation are furthered through the mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures, enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising her lack of desire to leave the familiar which restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her acceptance of refugees. The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation to renew perceptions of other cultures.
However, the physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can impose negative consequences. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of their existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.
The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth, creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. O’Mahoney explores the complexity of the human condition in appreciating those from different racial backgrounds, and in doing so, comments on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Parr’s ‘The National Picture’ similarly critiques the difficulties faced by individuals in understanding the reality of colonial inquests. Both composers use their craft to comment on the ramifications of discovery catalysed by their respective context.
Post by: Daliaradosevic on October 05, 2016, 11:37:53 am
Hi i was wondering if i could please have some feedback on this essay and give pointers or indicate where i could improve in and which area? i also have a couple questions regarding structure, thank you! :)
1. Whats the difference b/w thesis and introduction?
2. Whats the structure of the opening paragraph as in (thesis,intro)
Discoveries has the power to transform individual lives (statement)
Discoveries can be powerful, specifically new discoveries, they have the ability to heavily alter and provoke a re-evaluation of an individuals status in the world. Robert Frost a highly recognised American poet portrays these concepts extensively in his naturalistic approach to poems ‘tuft of Flowers’ and ‘stopping by the woods on a snowy evening’ which explore the transformative nature of human relationships on unity and human separation. Similarly author Kate Chopin’s short story ‘Story of an hour’ explores the yearning for independence. Both texts reinforce the evoking nature of discoveries and how they can act as a catalyst in bringing about new ideals, which often appear suddenly and unexpectedly. The ramifications of discovery can appear on a multifaceted level where they can become confronting and provocative and ultimately have the ability to re-affirm perceptions of the world and ourselves.
Spontaneous discoveries can emerge from unexpected situations in individual’s circumstances in life. Robert Frost through first person narration portrays relationships between the haymaker (persona), mower and the “butterfly and I had lit upon”. The symbolism of “lit” with “light” represents the profound, sudden impact the butterfly has on the haymaker, that it transformed his day by adding light and hope. The butterfly was eager for the haymaker to find the “tall tuft of flowers”. “Tall” and “tuft” are oxymoron’s, where the connotation of “tall” resembles strength and masculinity juxtaposed with “tuft” displaying fragility. Reinforcing both the random appearance and defiance of the flowers survival and the persona’s vulnerability and heartache in his world. However, his perceptions were challenged when he came across “A leaping tongue of bloom”. The personification represents the butterflies attempt to communicate with the haymaker leading him to the “flowers”, reinforcing how a new discovery seen with the butterfly and the haymaker in relation to the same admiration for the beauty of nature which is the tuft of flowers, has the ability to transform the persona’s (haymaker) previous sense of isolation in his world, creating a fruitful atmosphere. Similarly in Kate Chopin “story of an hour”, She explores a sudden discovery of her Husbands death, which evokes an epiphany, challenging her genuine feelings towards her husband. The structure of the story, specifically the title “hour” symbolizes that the multiple events within the story will be sudden and limited to one “hour”, creating suspense. One event in particular is the news of Mrs. Mallard’s husband’s death, which evoked overwhelming feelings, which made her “sweep at once with sudden, wild abutment into her sisters arms”. The listing emphasizes, her automatic response to the news, allowing the audience to understand the impact and the powerful nature of discovering the news and how it transformed her as an individual seeing downcast, sorrowful and into her sisters arms. Therefore spontaneous discoveries have the potential in themselves to forcefully impact individuals negatively.
Ramifications of discoveries can be perceived from confronting and provocative mannerisms. Robert Frost’s poem, “Stopping by the woods on a snowy evening” portrays the eager nature for oblivion. The poems iambic meter affirms with the poets social conventions of duties such as the “Miles”, where the hyperbole exaggerates all his duties and realises he has “Miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep”. The repetition reflects his physical and emotional state from neglecting his responsibilities and rest, confronting all his unfinished responsibilities allowing the echolalia to close the poem and create an anxious atmosphere. The persona stops by and admires the “lovely, dark and deep” woods, the haunting visual imagery of “dark and deep” juxtaposed with “lovely” suggest a confronting nature of the woods themselves. That they can be portrayed in a fruitful matter being “lovely” as well as “dark and deep”. Similarly in Kate Chopin’s short story the protagonist Mrs Mallard has an epiphany realizes she’s “free, free, free”, where the repetition of free symbolizes the conclusion of oppressed feelings by her husband and has come to a (spiritual and emotional) realization of her independence. Her greediness and contemplation of her husband’s death created a “Joy that kills”, the ironic nature behind the metaphor suggests that the discovery of her husband being alive in the end is what sequentially killed her. Therefore discoveries can impact how individuals by being either provocative or perceived as a confrontation.
A discovery has the potential to re-affirm original perceptions of the world and ourselves. Robert Frost’s poem, “Tuft of Flowers” explores the realization of isolation in individuals and the world. The haymaker “looked” and “listened” for the mower, but the mower never showed, he seeks communication but was met with silence and left “alone”. The hyphen acts as a caesura adding emphasis on the connotations of “looked” and “listened”, revealing that the speaker is isolated however his perceptions were fixed as he discovers “A message from dawn”. The metonymy recognises that dawn is actually the mower and comes to the realization that he led him to the flowers and led him to the realization that he is not alone in his world. The mower compels the haymaker to “feel a spirit kindred to my own”. Where the metaphor awakens in the speaker his spirit, where he discovers and realises despite their societal differences they share the same appreciation for the beauty of nature and now his previous sense of isolation in his world has been resolved and more fruitful than ever. Similarly in Kate Chopin’s short story Mrs Mallard believed “she had loved him”. The low modality of “had” reinforces her non-existent loving feelings towards her husband even after their course of marriage, creating an unsettling tone for the audience and helps her discover that marriages/relationships rob people of their independence. Mrs Mallard looked out her “Open Square, Open window”. The repetition and connotations of “open” and symbolic meaning of “square” and “window” suggest opportunity and freedom from her husband. Her epiphany challenged her genuine feelings towards her husband and comes to a fixed perception that she’s finally free from him and is now referred to as “Louise Mallard” and no longer attached to her husband, therefore set free from him and herself. Consequently discoveries have the power to fix previous renewed perceptions.
Post by: ssarahj on October 05, 2016, 04:29:07 pm
Discovery Essay :)
Hi i was wondering if i could please have some feedback on this essay and give pointers or indicate where i could improve in and which area? i also have a couple questions regarding structure, thank you! :)
1. Whats the difference b/w thesis and introduction?
2. Whats the structure of the opening paragraph as in (thesis,intro)
Discoveries has the power to transform individual lives (statement)
Discoveries can be powerful, specifically new discoveries, they have the ability to heavily alter and provoke a re-evaluation of an individuals status in the world. Robert Frost a highly recognised American poet portrays these concepts extensively in his naturalistic approach to poems ‘tuft of Flowers’ and ‘stopping by the woods on a snowy evening’ which explore the transformative nature of human relationships on unity and human separation. Similarly author Kate Chopin’s short story ‘Story of an hour’ explores the yearning for independence. Both texts reinforce the evoking nature of discoveries and how they can act as a catalyst in bringing about new ideals, which often appear suddenly and unexpectedly. The ramifications of discovery can appear on a multifaceted level where they can become confronting and provocative and ultimately have the ability to re-affirm perceptions of the world and ourselves.
Spontaneous discoveries can emerge from unexpected situations in individual’s circumstances in life. Robert Frost through first person narration portrays relationships between the haymaker (persona), mower and the “butterfly and I had lit upon”. The symbolism of “lit” with “light” represents the profound, sudden impact the butterfly has on the haymaker, that it transformed his day by adding light and hope. The butterfly was eager for the haymaker to find the “tall tuft of flowers”. “Tall” and “tuft” are oxymoron’s, where the connotation of “tall” resembles strength and masculinity juxtaposed with “tuft” displaying fragility. Reinforcing both the random appearance and defiance of the flowers survival and the persona’s vulnerability and heartache in his world. However, his perceptions were challenged when he came across “A leaping tongue of bloom”. The personification represents the butterflies attempt to communicate with the haymaker leading him to the “flowers”, reinforcing how a new discovery seen with the butterfly and the haymaker in relation to the same admiration for the beauty of nature which is the tuft of flowers, has the ability to transform the persona’s (haymaker) previous sense of isolation in his world, creating a fruitful atmosphere. Similarly in Kate Chopin “story of an hour”, She explores a sudden discovery of her Husbands death, which evokes an epiphany, challenging her genuine feelings towards her husband. The structure of the story, specifically the title “hour” symbolizes that the multiple events within the story will be sudden and limited to one “hour”, creating suspense. One event in particular is the news of Mrs. Mallard’s husband’s death, which evoked overwhelming feelings, which made her “sweep at once with sudden, wild abutment into her sisters arms”. The listing emphasizes, her automatic response to the news, allowing the audience to understand the impact and the powerful nature of discovering the news and how it transformed her as an individual seeing downcast, sorrowful and into her sisters arms. Therefore spontaneous discoveries have the potential in themselves to forcefully impact individuals negatively.
Ramifications of discoveries can be perceived from confronting and provocative mannerisms. Robert Frost’s poem, “Stopping by the woods on a snowy evening” portrays the eager nature for oblivion. The poems iambic meter affirms with the poets social conventions of duties such as the “Miles”, where the hyperbole exaggerates all his duties and realises he has “Miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep”. The repetition reflects his physical and emotional state from neglecting his responsibilities and rest, confronting all his unfinished responsibilities allowing the echolalia to close the poem and create an anxious atmosphere. The persona stops by and admires the “lovely, dark and deep” woods, the haunting visual imagery of “dark and deep” juxtaposed with “lovely” suggest a confronting nature of the woods themselves. That they can be portrayed in a fruitful matter being “lovely” as well as “dark and deep”. Similarly in Kate Chopin’s short story the protagonist Mrs Mallard has an epiphany realizes she’s “free, free, free”, where the repetition of free symbolizes the conclusion of oppressed feelings by her husband and has come to a (spiritual and emotional) realization of her independence. Her greediness and contemplation of her husband’s death created a “Joy that kills”, the ironic nature behind the metaphor suggests that the discovery of her husband being alive in the end is what sequentially killed her. Therefore discoveries can impact how individuals by being either provocative or perceived as a confrontation.
A discovery has the potential to re-affirm original perceptions of the world and ourselves. Robert Frost’s poem, “Tuft of Flowers” explores the realization of isolation in individuals and the world. The haymaker “looked” and “listened” for the mower, but the mower never showed, he seeks communication but was met with silence and left “alone”. The hyphen acts as a caesura adding emphasis on the connotations of “looked” and “listened”, revealing that the speaker is isolated however his perceptions were fixed as he discovers “A message from dawn”. The metonymy recognises that dawn is actually the mower and comes to the realization that he led him to the flowers and led him to the realization that he is not alone in his world. The mower compels the haymaker to “feel a spirit kindred to my own”. Where the metaphor awakens in the speaker his spirit, where he discovers and realises despite their societal differences they share the same appreciation for the beauty of nature and now his previous sense of isolation in his world has been resolved and more fruitful than ever. Similarly in Kate Chopin’s short story Mrs Mallard believed “she had loved him”. The low modality of “had” reinforces her non-existent loving feelings towards her husband even after their course of marriage, creating an unsettling tone for the audience and helps her discover that marriages/relationships rob people of their independence. Mrs Mallard looked out her “Open Square, Open window”. The repetition and connotations of “open” and symbolic meaning of “square” and “window” suggest opportunity and freedom from her husband. Her epiphany challenged her genuine feelings towards her husband and comes to a fixed perception that she’s finally free from him and is now referred to as “Louise Mallard” and no longer attached to her husband, therefore set free from him and herself. Consequently discoveries have the power to fix previous renewed perceptions.
Hey Daliaradosevic, welcome to ATAR Notes! We would love to have a look at your essay however we require that you make 15 posts on the forums in exchange for each essay marked. So have a look around, ask any other questions you have and pop back here and let us know when you've reached 15 posts and one of our amazing markers will get onto it for you :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 12:14:34 am
So with the lectures just gone we are a tad behind on our marking (the three markers did about 20 lectures between us)!! We aim to get caught up as soon as possible, so thank you to everyone for your patience! :)
Based on my checks; the following users have met post count and will have their essay marked ASAP:
-
- fizzy.123
-
Everyone else in this thread (I think) has either been marked or knows that they need more posts to get marked. If you think I've missed your essay, let me know!! Otherwise, we'll get you caught up ASAP!
As a further message, your HSC English Exam is one week away! We anticipate our marking boards are going to get very busy, so if you want to guarantee that your essay gets marked by the time your exam is done, you need to get it up sooner rather than later. We'll do our best to move through as quickly as we can, but we can only do so much. Act early to avoid disappointment!! :) :) :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 08:51:11 am
Ahah finally got my posts up to 15, that took ages.. wow.
Ok here it is, also what mark out of 20 would you give me for it:
Thanks for hanging in there! Your essay is attached with comments throughout:
Spoiler
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. What are some of these abilities and differences? Just a tad too vague here in my opinion. ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. What symbols? Again, be sure that the marker has a clear idea of what you are going to be discussing. Further, be sure to link everything you discuss to Discovery. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. What ARE these?Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found. This introduction needs a little more fleshing out, some more detail on the Discovery components. Also be sure to mention your composers in your intro, they are just as important as your text.
‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. How does this relate to Discovery? As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Such as? Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Retell; remember that your marker knows your text well. You don't need to explain plot elements to them, focus on discovery and how it is portrayed. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. A tad too much retell here; try to focus purely on analysis! Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities. Good conclusion, but more analysis is needed in this paragraph. Another quote and technique with analysis.
Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Good contextual audience link there. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. Good concept here! I'd like a slightly stronger link to Discovery. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide. What does this show the audience about Discovery? Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence. Be sure to link everything to Discovery; you haven't used any word making this link in this paragraph, and as a result it comes across as very off-topic.
Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. A little messy in expression there; I'd say that Lee 'utilises' symbols instead of addresses, and perhaps work on tidying up the latter half of the phrase as well. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. Retell. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. What techniques accentuate this? The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. You could call this a biblical allusion, of sorts. What would this do for a religious responder? There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. More detail required on this 'spiritual discovery.' This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. Showing the audience ____ about discovery? As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.
Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Good, could you give an example? Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her. Ensure all your paragraphs are properly concluded.
The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives. I'd like a little more 'meat' to this conclusion, it should be a little longer than this. Restate your ideas, relink what you've discussed to the idea of Discovery and the main idea that you wished to discuss, and relink to the question. Just a few things you can consider including.
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. What are some of these abilities and differences? Just a tad too vague here in my opinion. ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. What symbols? Again, be sure that the marker has a clear idea of what you are going to be discussing. Further, be sure to link everything you discuss to Discovery. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. What ARE these?Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found. This introduction needs a little more fleshing out, some more detail on the Discovery components. Also be sure to mention your composers in your intro, they are just as important as your text.
‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. How does this relate to Discovery? As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Such as? Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Retell; remember that your marker knows your text well. You don't need to explain plot elements to them, focus on discovery and how it is portrayed. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. A tad too much retell here; try to focus purely on analysis! Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities. Good conclusion, but more analysis is needed in this paragraph. Another quote and technique with analysis.
Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Good contextual audience link there. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. Good concept here! I'd like a slightly stronger link to Discovery. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide. What does this show the audience about Discovery? Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence. Be sure to link everything to Discovery; you haven't used any word making this link in this paragraph, and as a result it comes across as very off-topic.
Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. A little messy in expression there; I'd say that Lee 'utilises' symbols instead of addresses, and perhaps work on tidying up the latter half of the phrase as well. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. Retell. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. What techniques accentuate this? The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. You could call this a biblical allusion, of sorts. What would this do for a religious responder? There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. More detail required on this 'spiritual discovery.' This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. Showing the audience ____ about discovery? As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.
Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Good, could you give an example? Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her. Ensure all your paragraphs are properly concluded.
The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives. I'd like a little more 'meat' to this conclusion, it should be a little longer than this. Restate your ideas, relink what you've discussed to the idea of Discovery and the main idea that you wished to discuss, and relink to the question. Just a few things you can consider including.
You've got some really cool ideas in here, and some great contextual considerations. You've clearly considered what the texts are portraying and this is great! However, my big piece of feedback here would be responding to the question. At times, you were not properly discussing the idea of Discovery! Links to the AoS and the themes surrounding discovery (in this case, 'uncovering what is hidden, reconsidering what is know') should be explicit and frequent. In your 2nd paragraph particularly, you swayed. Your ideas are not incorrect, but they aren't linked to the AoS effectively. Try to adapt your word choices to make these links more obvious.
Further, I'm looking for some stronger analysis. Try to shift yourself away from retell, and more to just a technique and example, and what it shows about discovery. For example, take this:
Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man.
I would do it like this instead:
Lee's use of a long shot accentuates the competition for dominance between Parker and Pi, with the sea representing how loneliness and desperation has forced the transformation of the persona.
This is still not perfect (not really linked to the question properly), but the point I want to get across is that I am focusing much less on the plot. My focus is what is in bold; the technique and what it achieves. You do not need plot details; remember that your marker knows your text, they don't need to be told what is happening! They just want to know how, in your view, the composer uses techniques to present the idea of Discovery.
So on the whole, I'm looking basically for more techniques and quotes per paragraph. Achieving this will come with removing retell and using word choice more cleverly, just to squeeze a little more analysis in :)
Those are my two big suggestions!! I hope they are helpful, you've got great ideas, just some polish in how they are expressed is needed. Remembering that the AoS is out of 15 marks, I would likely score your essay in the range of 9/15 right now :)
Post by: lha on October 06, 2016, 09:20:40 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 11:17:13 am
I posted my aos creative in here, should i delete the post and put it in the aos creative forum?
Oh I didn't even notice! I will merge it for you now and let Elyse know it's been moved! ;D
Post by: BPunjabi on October 06, 2016, 11:47:37 am
Thanks for hanging in there! Your essay is attached with comments throughout:SpoilerThe process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in various ways. What are some of these abilities and differences? Just a tad too vague here in my opinion. ‘Life of Pi’, dramatic film captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live and symbols commonly used. What symbols? Again, be sure that the marker has a clear idea of what you are going to be discussing. Further, be sure to link everything you discuss to Discovery. Poem ‘Cut’, focusing on the same ideas, produces ambiguous variations and meanings towards the process of discovery. What ARE these?Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and know found. This introduction needs a little more fleshing out, some more detail on the Discovery components. Also be sure to mention your composers in your intro, they are just as important as your text.
‘Life of Pi’ is a film directed by Ang Lee in 2012 focusing on the needs and passion towards survival. How does this relate to Discovery? As Pi undergoes perilous journeys, he makes spiritual, physical and emotional discoveries. Such as? Throughout the move it is known that Pi’s religious beliefs draw on his need for survival. Retell; remember that your marker knows your text well. You don't need to explain plot elements to them, focus on discovery and how it is portrayed. Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man. A tad too much retell here; try to focus purely on analysis! Ang Lee uses the characters stance to show how dominance plays a key role in transformation and discovering hidden abilities. Good conclusion, but more analysis is needed in this paragraph. Another quote and technique with analysis.
Sylvia Plaths ‘Cut’ written in 1962, targets the ambiguous audience during the 60’s who wanted to break from the women socialistic ideals. Good contextual audience link there. Featuring first person narration which incorporates ten stanzas, this poem elaborates on how Plaths suicidal agendas derive from constricted feelings of being an educated women in a restricted society where women were subjugated towards being housewife’s. Good concept here! I'd like a slightly stronger link to Discovery. The quote “Out of a gap, a million soldiers run” is reinforced with imagery to connect to Plaths context of her husband’s use of adultery as she felt the urge of suicide. What does this show the audience about Discovery? Plath constantly reconsiders what is known as she always ventured to the real of suicide. From this quote, the hyperbole elaborates on the fickleness this urge brings once it feels alright the in suddenly disperses into depression. ‘Cut’ is a mysterious poem which powerfully incorporates the will to live as well as discovering hidden potential competence. Be sure to link everything to Discovery; you haven't used any word making this link in this paragraph, and as a result it comes across as very off-topic.
Ang Lee addresses symbols frequently in ‘Life of Pi’ which represent various meanings that help Pi in his transformation. A little messy in expression there; I'd say that Lee 'utilises' symbols instead of addresses, and perhaps work on tidying up the latter half of the phrase as well. As Pi has a strong spiritual connection, he is able to adapt to his new environments with the help of Richard Parker. Retell. It is clearly evident that the water represents loneliness, while the life raft provides hope albeit religious faith is the main focus. What techniques accentuate this? The mysterious island represents the Christian Garden of Eden and Orange, a frequent colour possesses survival qualities. You could call this a biblical allusion, of sorts. What would this do for a religious responder? There is a sense of spiritual discovery from the symbolic metaphor of the tooth featured at the mysterious island. More detail required on this 'spiritual discovery.' This scene incorporates Christian spiritual connections to the garden of Eden providing a heaven and hell contrast against the day and night of the island, which is alluded through the switching between long and extreme close shots. Showing the audience ____ about discovery? As Ang Lee highlights Pi’s adaption to discovery, he rediscovers his spiritual beliefs.
Various types of Symbols are incorporated in Plaths works which feature issues towards her troubled marriage, unresolved conflicts with parents and her personal vision of herself. The poem being an extended metaphor, entices the audience drawing ambiguous conclusions to Plaths exploration of self. Good, could you give an example? Phallic Symbol is used in line two of the poem when the speaker says “My thumb instead of an onion” assassinating with male dominance which was being exhibited. The symbolic metaphor incorporated in “saboteur, Kamikaze man” uses censura to insure the power of depression and self destruction is highlighted through the kamikaze suicidal nature which was always apparent to her. Ensure all your paragraphs are properly concluded.
The transformation which is evident in everybody’s process of discovery, involved uncovering hidden and known desires. Through symbolism and the will to live, both texts ‘Life of Pi’ and ‘Cut’ features personas who struggle against this process, though achieve self discovery and transform to higher perspectives. I'd like a little more 'meat' to this conclusion, it should be a little longer than this. Restate your ideas, relink what you've discussed to the idea of Discovery and the main idea that you wished to discuss, and relink to the question. Just a few things you can consider including.
You've got some really cool ideas in here, and some great contextual considerations. You've clearly considered what the texts are portraying and this is great! However, my big piece of feedback here would be responding to the question. At times, you were not properly discussing the idea of Discovery! Links to the AoS and the themes surrounding discovery (in this case, 'uncovering what is hidden, reconsidering what is know') should be explicit and frequent. In your 2nd paragraph particularly, you swayed. Your ideas are not incorrect, but they aren't linked to the AoS effectively. Try to adapt your word choices to make these links more obvious.
Further, I'm looking for some stronger analysis. Try to shift yourself away from retell, and more to just a technique and example, and what it shows about discovery. For example, take this:
Whilst attempting to train Richard Parker on the life raft, to claim dominance, a long shot is used to feature both primitive characters circling while there is a contrast between the sea. This focus point of the sea elaborates on how loneliness and desperation had deprived and forces Pi’s transformation from a young anxious boy to a intrepid man.
I would do it like this instead:
Lee's use of a long shot accentuates the competition for dominance between Parker and Pi, with the sea representing how loneliness and desperation has forced the transformation of the persona.
This is still not perfect (not really linked to the question properly), but the point I want to get across is that I am focusing much less on the plot. My focus is what is in bold; the technique and what it achieves. You do not need plot details; remember that your marker knows your text, they don't need to be told what is happening! They just want to know how, in your view, the composer uses techniques to present the idea of Discovery.
So on the whole, I'm looking basically for more techniques and quotes per paragraph. Achieving this will come with removing retell and using word choice more cleverly, just to squeeze a little more analysis in :)
Those are my two big suggestions!! I hope they are helpful, you've got great ideas, just some polish in how they are expressed is needed. Remembering that the AoS is out of 15 marks, I would likely score your essay in the range of 9/15 right now :)
Ahh thanks Jamon so much for your help. I can see what you mean about the drifting and to much plot retelling. When going into the exam I wanted to have about 1-2 anaylisis (1-2 quotes, technique, link)points which I could build upon. Is that ok or too broad?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 12:42:25 pm
Thank you! So i dont have to repost it?
Nope! I sorted it for you :)
Post by: Valentina_eliana on October 06, 2016, 12:45:20 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 12:49:49 pm
Just wondering if it's okay to say my prescribed text affirms the notions of discovery summarised in my thesis and my related text challenges these ideas?
Welcome to the forums Valentina!! ;D that is definitely okay, in fact, I view it as really clever to play your Prescribed Text up against your ORT, if you do it right ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 06, 2016, 12:50:36 pm
Ahh thanks Jamon so much for your help. I can see what you mean about the drifting and to much plot retelling. When going into the exam I wanted to have about 1-2 anaylisis (1-2 quotes, technique, link)points which I could build upon. Is that ok or too broad?
I would say 2 per paragraph should be your minimum, but if you can get 3 in, that would be great too! :) :)
Post by: Stefan K on October 06, 2016, 08:08:44 pm
Thank you.
How does a discovery transform the lives of individuals?
A discovery allows the transformation of an individual’s perception of life through a renewal of their previous perception as they would have initially had limited knowledge and by gaining a better understanding of a certain concept. “The Tempest”, by William Shakespeare and “The Good Morrow”, by John Donne explore how a discovery transforms an individual when it comes to knowledge about others and the world.
Through the course of Prospero’s self discovery journey, he experiences events which heavily transform his perception of himself and of others. As Prospero reflects his past experiences to Miranda, he displays an absence of mind about the responsibilities of his dukedom; “From mine own library with volumes that I prize above my dukedom”. The comparison of his library to his dukedom displays Prospero’s lack of understanding as a leader as he praises his books above all else. Following the masque, he realises “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.” The metaphor compares the shortness of human life to waking and sleeping as he slowly realises that everyone will eventually die, including his magic as it is insubstantial. Prospero is realising, through this confronting discovery, his selfishness and absence of mind as he is slowly undergoing his transformation in search of his humanity. The magical servant Ariel, challenges Prospero’s humanity when describing Gonzalo’s suffering by saying, “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds…If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…”. The Simile describing Gonzalo’s tears shows that human emotions are real but also their compassionate power is able to move Prospero as Prospero says “And mine shall”, foreshadowing through a contemplative tone, his renewed perception of himself as he is challenged to consider the need for getting revenge. Prospero decides that he will not just be compassionate but get rid of his magic as he declares: “I’ll break my staff, bury it certain fathoms in the earth and deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book.” The strong verbs convey his determination to get rid of his magic as he has realised that magic has prevented him from regaining his humanity. Thus, Prospero’s discovery of his true self has made him have a better understanding of himself and of others as he realises that magic has prevented him from being compassionate and a leader.
Similarly, in The Good Morrow, the persona’s understanding is transformed since they discover more about the concept of love as they too see a spiritual connection emerge between their souls. “My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears”, shows that the lovers feel a deep connection and that they show this emerging within each other’s eyes, foreshadowing the interweaving of the souls. The assonance of the ‘i’ sound also parallels this idea. The two lovers thus discover that they are about to experience a deeper connection, transforming their knowledge of the concept of love and the way they feel about each other. “And now good morrow to our waking souls…Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.”, personifies the souls as living beings, as the lovers have such a deep connection for one another that they become intertwined into one entity. “Waking” also has connotations to awakening to this new experience as this further emphasises the better understanding which has occurred between the couple as the lovers 'wake' up to a new way of experiencing love. The couple’s lives have thus been transformed as they discover that they can experience love spiritually through by joining their souls together.
Post by: fizzy.123 on October 06, 2016, 08:42:08 pm
something that has been lost, forgotten or concealed', can our essay also talk about the willingness of characters to discover. Obviously, the main focus will be to answer the Q, but like can it still discuss other points from the rubric?
Post by: Stefan K on October 06, 2016, 09:06:27 pm
Yes I believe you can. Because a character can be willing to discover something for the first time or they can be willing to discover something that has been concealed. So yes, if it asks you about how a discovery is displayed through a character discovering something for the first time, for instance, you can agree with it and add your opinion by saying that they can be willing to discover something for the first time.
Hope this helped :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 06, 2016, 11:02:54 pm
For the AOS essay, if the question is lets just say asking us to write about 'discovering something for the first time or rediscovering
something that has been lost, forgotten or concealed', can our essay also talk about the willingness of characters to discover. Obviously, the main focus will be to answer the Q, but like can it still discuss other points from the rubric?
This is the perfect way to approach an essay! By bringing forward something original as well as the essay question, you're in for a really rich discussion and a way of showing the marker that you totally understand what discovery means! :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 06, 2016, 11:26:31 pm
This is the perfect way to approach an essay! By bringing forward something original as well as the essay question, you're in for a really rich discussion and a way of showing the marker that you totally understand what discovery means! :)
Nice Advice, Ill try and adapt to that too.. I wanted to also ask, when writing the creative, at the top should we mention which stimulus we chose?
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 06, 2016, 11:34:24 pm
Nice Advice, Ill try and adapt to that too.. I wanted to also ask, when writing the creative, at the top should we mention which stimulus we chose?
In my opinion - no need! Some students at the lectures told me that their teacher suggested they do this, but it isn't required of you according to the actual exam paper nor anything I've seen published from BOSTES. I tend to think that your use of stimulus should be strong enough that they know which one you've chosen (well, that's the aim!). So, I didn't write my stimulus at the top, and it's not something BOSTES recommends, so I suggest not doing it because it'll waste your precious writing time :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 06, 2016, 11:36:40 pm
In my opinion - no need! Some students at the lectures told me that their teacher suggested they do this, but it isn't required of you according to the actual exam paper nor anything I've seen published from BOSTES. I tend to think that your use of stimulus should be strong enough that they know which one you've chosen (well, that's the aim!). So, I didn't write my stimulus at the top, and it's not something BOSTES recommends, so I suggest not doing it because it'll waste your precious writing time :)
I went to your english lecture and I remember you mentioning you chose the balloon and wall one, that seems really hard to talk about without actually mentioning a balloon lifting a wall. Is that how you approached it?
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 07, 2016, 09:28:46 am
I went to your english lecture and I remember you mentioning you chose the balloon and wall one, that seems really hard to talk about without actually mentioning a balloon lifting a wall. Is that how you approached it?
I used it as a metaphor. I talked about how my protagonist rose above her circumstances with strength beyond reality, similar to the balloon lifting the brick wall. Once I had established it, I went on forward just referring to this strength that defied all odds. :)
Post by: imtrying on October 07, 2016, 10:22:20 am
This is a first draft of one paragraph for the AOS essay. It's based on one my prescribed poems Flames and Dangling Wire but i was really just wondering if my analysis makes sense and is conceptual enough?
Thanks so much:)
Post by: Hua Fei on October 07, 2016, 12:44:37 pm
Thank you very much for your help!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“The seeker embarks on a journey to find what they want and discovers, along the way, what they need.”
How accurately does this statement reflect the ideas that discoveries can offer renewed perceptions of ourselves and others?
In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other text of your own choosing.
Discoveries can offer renewed perceptions of others and ourselves. In the play, The Tempest (1611) by William Shakespeare, it is the careful planning of revenge by Prospero and Ariel’s advice that leads Prospero to gain a new understanding and renewed perceptions of himself and others. For Alonso, it is the supposed death of his son that takes him on a journey where he is confronted by Prospero and repents for his wrongdoings. In the poem, Ariel (1965) by Sylvia Plath, the speaker gains a renewed perception through a discovery which is necessary for her to survive. In both texts, the seeker embarks on a journey to find what they want and along the way, they discover, what they need and lack, allowing them to gain a different perspective, and hence, a renewed perception of themselves and the others around them.
A transformative journey is one where the individual gains a new understanding or a new perception. This is portrayed by Prospero in The Tempest where initially, he felt vengeful towards Alonso and his brother, Antonio, when he uncovered their shocking betrayal. At the beginning of the play, pathetic fallacy is used where Prospero’s chaotic emotions are mirrored by a “Tempestuous noise of thunder and lightning” (the very first stage direction), emphasising Prospero’s thirst for revenge. Prospero’s perception of Antonio changes from a dear brother to that of a traitorous one when he is confronted with Antonio’s unexpected betrayal; “That a brother should be so perfidious – he, whom next thyself all the world I loved” (1, ii), expressing Prospero’s grief and pain which fuelled his rage. In Act 4, Scene 1, Prospero calls off the masque for Ferdinand and Miranda when he recalls Caliban’s plot to kill him and tries to calm the couple by explaining to them that the masque was all an illusion through the metaphor; “We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep” (4, i), highlighting the impermanence of human life. The simile in the next act where Ariel reports to Prospero of the king and courtiers’ state and expresses compassion for them; “His tears runs down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds”, makes Prospero question himself with “Shall not myself, one of their kind, be kindlier moved than thou art?” Ariel’s declaration moves Prospero and he struggles with his conscience to forgive the suffering wrong-doers. Ultimately, it is Ariel that teaches Prospero of humanity and forgiveness – to believe and follow the path of “virtue” than “vengeance”, deepening Prospero’s humanity by making him overcome his nature and feeling merciful towards his enemies, gaining a renewed perception of himself and the others around him.
Anaphora used by Prospero; “I’ll break my staff, / Bury it certain fathoms in the earth, / […] / I’ll drown my book.” (Act 5, Scene 1), highlights Prospero becoming a mortal and throwing away his art. The impermanence of life has led Prospero to choose forgiveness than vengeance as if he had chosen vengeance, he would be resentful for the remainder of his life. Choosing forgiveness allows him to approach different aspects of life, for example, freedom (he frees Ariel and the spirits under his control) and reconciliation with the king of Naples through his daughter’s marriage. Prospero embarks on a journey to exact revenge but along the way, he discovers his human side with the help of Ariel, gaining a new understanding and a renewed perception. On the other hand, Alonso griefs for his son’s supposed death and embarks on a journey to find him but along the way, he discovers that Prospero is alive and is confronted by his betrayal leading him to feel guilty and remorseful. In this way, Alonso understands his wrong doings and gains a new perspective which allows him to gain a renewed perception and accepting Miranda as the future queen.
In comparison to Prospero’s control of power evident at the beginning of the play (as he raises powerful storms), the speaker is powerless in the poem Ariel, depicted by her inability to calm the horse in stanza 3; “The furrow / Splits and passes, sister to / The brown arc / Of the neck I cannot catch.” The alliteration of the sharp ‘k’ sounds in the last half makes the reader visualise the sharp jerkiness she must be feeling while riding the horse. The consecutive use of enjambment fastens the pace, expressing her fear at the sudden uncontrollable gallop. Only glimpses of the surrounding world are captured by the speaker whilst riding; “Pivot of heels and knees! […] Thighs, hair; / Flakes from my heels.” These fleeting moments symbolise the impermanence of human life, making her reconsider the world around her as she is confronted by death and soon realises how fleeting life is. “Flakes from my heels” symbolises the speaker in letting go parts of herself that dragged her down as well as other constrictions on her life, signifying the speaker’s new birth whilst the consonance of ‘f’ sounds put forward the idea of the fragility of life. The use of the word ‘Pivot’ by Plath holds connotations of this moment being the speaker’s central turning point in life – because of this sudden journey, her understanding of the world is transformed by the close of the poem as she reconsiders her prior knowledge. In stanza 7, we see the speaker let go of everything weighing her down and becoming free “I unpeel – / Dead hands, dead stringencies”, and becoming one with the movement of the wild horse, learning to channel the power of the horse and face death, as depicted by the metaphor “And I / Am the arrow / Suicidal and at one with the drive”. By the end of the poem, the speaker has let go of the thoughts of being in danger as well as feeling fearful and confronts death head on.
Ariel is written in free verse with an irregular but frequent rhyming scheme. Where the rhyme will occur next is unpredictable, similar to the movement of the horse, reinforcing its wild behaviour. First person and present tense is maintained throughout the poem depicting Plath’s own experience with her horse called Ariel whilst the present tense builds suspense and heightens the thrill. The title of the poem also has other connotations – Ariel in Shakespeare’s 1611 play, The Tempest. “Substanceless” at the beginning of the poem also alludes to the airy spirit, Ariel in the play who is a compassionate spirit that acts as a catalyst for Prospero’s change. Similarly, in the poem, Ariel’s wild ride becomes a catalyst for the speaker’s change from fear to acceptance of death by understanding that a human life in finite through experiencing a life and death situation. By the end of the poem, the speaker also learns how to channel the wild horse’s energy correctly, and thus, gain control and insight about the world around her which arise through her new understanding that death can occur at anytime, anywhere.
Both texts illustrate a seeker embarking on a journey to find what they want and discovering along the way, what they need through their exploration of intensely meaningful and confronting discoveries that offered renewed perceptions of themselves and others. Hence, it is evident that William Shakespeare’s The Tempest (1611) and Sylvia Plath’s poem Ariel (1965) both explore the concept of discoveries offering renewed perceptions of ourselves and others, to a large extent.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 12:53:43 pm
Hi there! Just wanted to get some feedback on my AOS essay - would be great if you could (I'm not good at writing essays). Please mark it as harsh as possible.
Thank you very much for your help!
Hey Hua Fei! Welcome to the forums!! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay, but unfortunately you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay/creative you'd like marked! This is to ensure that the markers have time to give proper feedback to active members of the forums; one line feedback doesn't help anyone ;) hang around the forums for a bit, ask questions and maybe answer them, and you'll build up the post count really quick! ;D
Post by: dylan862 on October 07, 2016, 02:36:29 pm
I would appreciate if you could mark my AOS essay out of 15 please! Thanks in advance. :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 02:52:26 pm
Hey guys
I would appreciate if you could mark my AOS essay please! Thanks in advance. (Hoping I have made the 15 posts as I don't know how to check)
You have indeed!! You are on the list :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 07, 2016, 05:17:12 pm
Was wondering if we re upload our essays which have already been marked but we are just implementing comments which the mods have given us, does it still cost another 15 posts?
Post by: BPunjabi on October 07, 2016, 05:17:57 pm
Hey guys
I would appreciate if you could mark my AOS essay please! Thanks in advance. (Hoping I have made the 15 posts as I don't know how to check)
Dylan on the left under your username!
Post by: edmododragon on October 07, 2016, 05:52:44 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 08:28:03 pm
Hey Guys!,
Was wondering if we re upload our essays which have already been marked but we are just implementing comments which the mods have given us, does it still cost another 15 posts?
Yes it does! We will essentially treat it as another separate mark, just as much detail as before :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 07, 2016, 08:30:23 pm
Yes it does! We will essentially treat it as another separate mark, just as much detail as before :)
Lol Ok gotta get some more posts up :P
Post by: jakesilove on October 07, 2016, 09:53:43 pm
hi! can you please have a look at my Go back essay? Also, in my essay, i have discussed the discovery process of 5 characters, can you please tell me if it is fine or if i should change my essay around to just focus on 2 or 3.
Thank you!
Hey! Check out my comments :)
Original Essay
Spoiler
Discovery is a multifaceted process providing renewed insight for individuals and society. The dislocation of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a 2011 TV documentary series, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging individual beliefs. The displacement of individuals becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the contemporary societal assumptions and activism in understanding individual experience.
Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. The initial instability in the human condition restricted the individual connection with the plight of others in Go Back. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, signifying his military background that creates a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant, Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the discovery. Similarly, the growth of Adam can also be seen through the documentary. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. However, the close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.
Discovery of power and traditional perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to further represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.
Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and overwhelming. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The feelings of distress associated with dislocation are furthered through the mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures, enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising her lack of desire to leave the familiar which restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her acceptance of refugees. The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation to renew perceptions of other cultures.
However, the physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can impose negative consequences. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of their existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.
The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth, creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. O’Mahoney explores the complexity of the human condition in appreciating those from different racial backgrounds, and in doing so, comments on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Parr’s ‘The National Picture’ similarly critiques the difficulties faced by individuals in understanding the reality of colonial inquests. Both composers use their craft to comment on the ramifications of discovery catalysed by their respective context.
Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. The initial instability in the human condition restricted the individual connection with the plight of others in Go Back. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, signifying his military background that creates a sense of power over refugees. This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant, Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the discovery. Similarly, the growth of Adam can also be seen through the documentary. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. However, the close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.
Discovery of power and traditional perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to further represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.
Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and overwhelming. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The feelings of distress associated with dislocation are furthered through the mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures, enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising her lack of desire to leave the familiar which restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her acceptance of refugees. The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation to renew perceptions of other cultures.
However, the physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can impose negative consequences. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of their existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.
The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth, creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. O’Mahoney explores the complexity of the human condition in appreciating those from different racial backgrounds, and in doing so, comments on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Parr’s ‘The National Picture’ similarly critiques the difficulties faced by individuals in understanding the reality of colonial inquests. Both composers use their craft to comment on the ramifications of discovery catalysed by their respective context.
Essay with Comments
Spoiler
Discovery is a multifaceted process providing renewed insight for individuals and society. The dislocation of individuals to new worlds shapes the experiential processes of discovery, allowing for renewed perceptions of previously held beliefs. O’Mahoney’s Go Back To Where You Came From (Go Back), a 2011 TV documentary series, explores the transformative nature of physical experiences in providing insights into the human condition. Geoff Parr’s, 1985 The National Picture critiques the disjunctive relationship of colonisation in challenging individual beliefs. The displacement of individuals becomes a catalyst to expose the underlying truth and implications of abrogating power. Through a developed understanding of the impacts of personal, physical and social discoveries, the audience is forced to question the contemporary societal assumptions and activism in understanding individual experience.
Perfect
Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. The initial instability in the human condition restricted the individual connection with the plight of others in Go Back. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, signifying his military background that creates a sense of power over refugees. How does this lead to a sense of power? How does that lead to a lack of compassion? You've made a really quick link between ideas, and then don't explain why this is important to your thesis. What does it say, more broadly than just with that one character? This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant, Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. What does all of this say? Why are you forming an argument using these points? The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the discovery. Similarly, the growth of Adam can also be seen through the documentary. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. However, the close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.
I think you focus on too many characters here. Try to zoom in on the journey of one or two, figure out what they discover, how their journey impacts them and, most importantly, WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT THE HUMAN CONDITION
Discovery of power and traditional perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to further represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.
You need to link this paragraph more solidly with the one before. It doesn't feel like you're building a thesis; it feels like you're just saying interesting things that come out of the text. Build a thesis, compare the texts, draw conclusions. That's the point of an essay! All this being said, it's obviously fantastic analysis, and you're language is extremely high quality.
Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and overwhelming. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The feelings of distress associated with dislocation are furthered through the mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures, enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising her lack of desire to leave the familiar which restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her acceptance of refugees. The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation to renew perceptions of other cultures.
Great analysis. I particularly like the combination of text types you've analysed: sounds, visuals, etc. etc.
However, the physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can impose negative consequences. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of their existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.
Brilliant as always
The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth, creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. O’Mahoney explores the complexity of the human condition in appreciating those from different racial backgrounds, and in doing so, comments on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Parr’s ‘The National Picture’ similarly critiques the difficulties faced by individuals in understanding the reality of colonial inquests. Both composers use their craft to comment on the ramifications of discovery catalysed by their respective context.
Your thesis, and voice, comes out really clearly in your conclusion. This is something you need to come back to more consistently throughout the essay itself. Rather than draw conclusions about discovery in your conclusion, you need to do this throughout the essay, and summarise them at the end. You've gone from quote/visual to analysis really well, you just haven't gone from analysis to IMPORTANCE with enough clarity. All this being said, obviously a great essay, so congratulations!
Perfect
Through the first-hand experience of discovery, changes in perceptions and new understandings of the world emerge. The initial instability in the human condition restricted the individual connection with the plight of others in Go Back. The mis-en-scene of books juxtaposed with a close up camera shot of Darren, reflects his high intellect, signifying his military background that creates a sense of power over refugees. How does this lead to a sense of power? How does that lead to a lack of compassion? You've made a really quick link between ideas, and then don't explain why this is important to your thesis. What does it say, more broadly than just with that one character? This lack of compassion contrasts with another participant, Glenny, who upholds humanitarian beliefs all along, reinforced by the eye-level camera angle to reveal equality through the veneration of asylums and refugees. By being forced to go through a physical process of revelation, they come out as transformed individuals with insightful understandings of the world. What does all of this say? Why are you forming an argument using these points? The forceful placement of individuals into foreign homes triggers an emotional response to empathise with “the other”. The centrality of Darren corresponding with bright lighting is symbolic to a positive change within the participant through the discovery. Similarly, the growth of Adam can also be seen through the documentary. Adam begins as a self-centred individual, claiming to not be in agreement with spending “millions of dollars on housing criminals.” This exposed through the close up camera shot emphasises on the weak human condition as it fails to accept people of lower socioeconomic status. However, the close up camera shot of Adam’s facial expressions corresponding with chiaroscuro lighting assists in showing how new worlds can lead to the truth, challenging original values to allow for a retribution of societal constructs. The truth is challenged in the revelatory process becoming a trigger in accepting and appreciating differences of individuals and making it a platform for reconciliation.
I think you focus on too many characters here. Try to zoom in on the journey of one or two, figure out what they discover, how their journey impacts them and, most importantly, WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT THE HUMAN CONDITION
Discovery of power and traditional perspectives leads to new understandings of the world. The National Picture evaluates the role of power in the formation of new and renewed perceptions. By using modern technologies to reconstruct Duterrau’s original painting, The Conciliation, the viewer becomes aware of the intertextuality and transformation of the “new” resonating with the “old”, causing reflections upon the changing values and attitudes of society. The appropriation of this picture uses satire and parody of the overlay of the Indigenous portrait to further represent meaning and illustrate the changes within society. The Eurocentric values are encapsulated in the powerful foregrounding of the white coloniser in contrast with the timid and fragile indigenous people, revealing the impacts of physical discovery in diminishing the sense of identity. Through the use of chiaroscuro lighting in the timid representation of the indigenous, Parr reiterates the tenuous link to the sovereignty of their land and culture, symbolically depicting them as silent watchers without a voice. The appropriation of The Conciliation allows for viewers to comprehend how power can be influential to the process of discovery and the impacts of colonial inquest on individuals.
You need to link this paragraph more solidly with the one before. It doesn't feel like you're building a thesis; it feels like you're just saying interesting things that come out of the text. Build a thesis, compare the texts, draw conclusions. That's the point of an essay! All this being said, it's obviously fantastic analysis, and you're language is extremely high quality.
Displacement of individuals can make the process of discovery confronting and overwhelming. Go Back expresses the provocative and confrontational aspect of dislocation for characters, challenged by the process of discovery. The adversity of displacement is illustrated through medium camera shots of Raquel and Raye surrounded by Africans in the background. The voiceover by the narrator reveals how characters will travel to places of an alternate social construct. The feelings of distress associated with dislocation are furthered through the mid shot of character facial expressions and gestures, enhancing the ways in which physical dislocation can result in introspection. The foregrounding of Raquel juxtaposed with the loosely constructed background of the underprivileged location reiterates her discomfort, symbolising her lack of desire to leave the familiar which restricts them from empathising with people. Despite the challenges of discovery, it has the power to provoke reflections enabling an optimistic impact upon creating new values. The character of Raye is used as a vehicle to explore the transformative process, her empathetic acknowledgement of “African people” parallels the audiences questioning of contextual values. The juxtaposition of Raye’s vulnerability with slow, expressive music foreshadows her redemptive process. The lack of background imagery further enhances her realisation, adding emphasis to her acceptance of refugees. The deconstruction of barriers between individuals proves that discovery can encourage reconciliation to renew perceptions of other cultures.
Great analysis. I particularly like the combination of text types you've analysed: sounds, visuals, etc. etc.
However, the physical dislocation of individuals to new worlds can impose negative consequences. Unlike O’Mahoney, Parr’s The National Picture forces the audience to question notions of colonisation and their impacts on Indigenous people. The displacement of the Indigenous due to European invasions is presented through the use of ghost figures in shades of grey connoting the ambiguity of their existence. The use of the corrugated iron fence is a metaphorical barrier between the modern group and original inhabitants of the land implying the disparaging nature of colonisation. Parr comments on the lack of individuality of the Indigenous through the foregrounding of racial reversal, displaying their attempt at survival by changing to accept white culture and values. Through the appropriation of Duterrau’s ‘The Conciliation’, it is clear that displacement of individuals can be confronting and provocative, further questioning contextual ideologies of the benefits of colonisation.
Brilliant as always
The impact of discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and the broader society. The notion of superiority and power become a barrier in experiencing the ultimate truth, creating a need for displacement to evoke empathy. O’Mahoney explores the complexity of the human condition in appreciating those from different racial backgrounds, and in doing so, comments on the powerful impetus of discovery in renewing previously held beliefs to expose the truth. Parr’s ‘The National Picture’ similarly critiques the difficulties faced by individuals in understanding the reality of colonial inquests. Both composers use their craft to comment on the ramifications of discovery catalysed by their respective context.
Your thesis, and voice, comes out really clearly in your conclusion. This is something you need to come back to more consistently throughout the essay itself. Rather than draw conclusions about discovery in your conclusion, you need to do this throughout the essay, and summarise them at the end. You've gone from quote/visual to analysis really well, you just haven't gone from analysis to IMPORTANCE with enough clarity. All this being said, obviously a great essay, so congratulations!
Post by: jakesilove on October 07, 2016, 10:10:12 pm
Hi, I'm new to this and I'm posting just half my essay and would mainly like to know if it makes sense and if there is a good amount of depth in my analysis. I would really appreciate it as I struggle with AOS the most :)
Thank you.
Hey Stefen! Sorry for the delay; check out my comments below!
Original Essay
Spoiler
A discovery allows the transformation of an individual’s perception of life through a renewal of their previous perception as they would have initially had limited knowledge and by gaining a better understanding of a certain concept. “The Tempest”, by William Shakespeare and “The Good Morrow”, by John Donne explore how a discovery transforms an individual when it comes to knowledge about others and the world.
Through the course of Prospero’s self discovery journey, he experiences events which heavily transform his perception of himself and of others. As Prospero reflects his past experiences to Miranda, he displays an absence of mind about the responsibilities of his dukedom; “From mine own library with volumes that I prize above my dukedom”. The comparison of his library to his dukedom displays Prospero’s lack of understanding as a leader as he praises his books above all else. Following the masque, he realises “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.” The metaphor compares the shortness of human life to waking and sleeping as he slowly realises that everyone will eventually die, including his magic as it is insubstantial. Prospero is realising, through this confronting discovery, his selfishness and absence of mind as he is slowly undergoing his transformation in search of his humanity. The magical servant Ariel, challenges Prospero’s humanity when describing Gonzalo’s suffering by saying, “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds…If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…”. The Simile describing Gonzalo’s tears shows that human emotions are real but also their compassionate power is able to move Prospero as Prospero says “And mine shall”, foreshadowing through a contemplative tone, his renewed perception of himself as he is challenged to consider the need for getting revenge. Prospero decides that he will not just be compassionate but get rid of his magic as he declares: “I’ll break my staff, bury it certain fathoms in the earth and deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book.” The strong verbs convey his determination to get rid of his magic as he has realised that magic has prevented him from regaining his humanity. Thus, Prospero’s discovery of his true self has made him have a better understanding of himself and of others as he realises that magic has prevented him from being compassionate and a leader.
Similarly, in The Good Morrow, the persona’s understanding is transformed since they discover more about the concept of love as they too see a spiritual connection emerge between their souls. “My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears”, shows that the lovers feel a deep connection and that they show this emerging within each other’s eyes, foreshadowing the interweaving of the souls. The assonance of the ‘i’ sound also parallels this idea. The two lovers thus discover that they are about to experience a deeper connection, transforming their knowledge of the concept of love and the way they feel about each other. “And now good morrow to our waking souls…Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.”, personifies the souls as living beings, as the lovers have such a deep connection for one another that they become intertwined into one entity. “Waking” also has connotations to awakening to this new experience as this further emphasises the better understanding which has occurred between the couple as the lovers 'wake' up to a new way of experiencing love. The couple’s lives have thus been transformed as they discover that they can experience love spiritually through by joining their souls together.
Through the course of Prospero’s self discovery journey, he experiences events which heavily transform his perception of himself and of others. As Prospero reflects his past experiences to Miranda, he displays an absence of mind about the responsibilities of his dukedom; “From mine own library with volumes that I prize above my dukedom”. The comparison of his library to his dukedom displays Prospero’s lack of understanding as a leader as he praises his books above all else. Following the masque, he realises “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.” The metaphor compares the shortness of human life to waking and sleeping as he slowly realises that everyone will eventually die, including his magic as it is insubstantial. Prospero is realising, through this confronting discovery, his selfishness and absence of mind as he is slowly undergoing his transformation in search of his humanity. The magical servant Ariel, challenges Prospero’s humanity when describing Gonzalo’s suffering by saying, “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds…If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…”. The Simile describing Gonzalo’s tears shows that human emotions are real but also their compassionate power is able to move Prospero as Prospero says “And mine shall”, foreshadowing through a contemplative tone, his renewed perception of himself as he is challenged to consider the need for getting revenge. Prospero decides that he will not just be compassionate but get rid of his magic as he declares: “I’ll break my staff, bury it certain fathoms in the earth and deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book.” The strong verbs convey his determination to get rid of his magic as he has realised that magic has prevented him from regaining his humanity. Thus, Prospero’s discovery of his true self has made him have a better understanding of himself and of others as he realises that magic has prevented him from being compassionate and a leader.
Similarly, in The Good Morrow, the persona’s understanding is transformed since they discover more about the concept of love as they too see a spiritual connection emerge between their souls. “My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears”, shows that the lovers feel a deep connection and that they show this emerging within each other’s eyes, foreshadowing the interweaving of the souls. The assonance of the ‘i’ sound also parallels this idea. The two lovers thus discover that they are about to experience a deeper connection, transforming their knowledge of the concept of love and the way they feel about each other. “And now good morrow to our waking souls…Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.”, personifies the souls as living beings, as the lovers have such a deep connection for one another that they become intertwined into one entity. “Waking” also has connotations to awakening to this new experience as this further emphasises the better understanding which has occurred between the couple as the lovers 'wake' up to a new way of experiencing love. The couple’s lives have thus been transformed as they discover that they can experience love spiritually through by joining their souls together.
Essay with Comments
Spoiler
A discovery allows the transformation of an individual’s perception of life through a renewal of their previous perception as they would have initially had limited knowledge and by gaining a better understanding of a certain concept. The first sentence in an essay needs to be really really strong. Read this first sentence out loud: does it make sense? Could it be 'cleaner'? Try writing a few variations of this sentence and choose the best one. “The Tempest”, by William Shakespeare and “The Good Morrow”, by John Donne explore how a discovery transforms an individual when it comes to knowledge about others and the world. I need more of an introduction here. Give me some context for each other the texts. What will you be talking about in the essay? How do the texts relate? What is your overarching thesis?
Through the course of Prospero’s self discovery journey, he experiences events which heavily transform his perception of himself and of others. As Prospero reflects his past experiences to Miranda, he displays an absence of mind about the responsibilities of his dukedom; “From mine own library with volumes that I prize above my dukedom”. The comparison of his library to his dukedom displays Prospero’s lack of understanding as a leader as he praises his books above all else. Good analysis, but I want GREAT analysis. Delve into this metaphor a little more. Following the masque, he realises “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.” The metaphor compares the shortness of human life to waking and sleeping as he slowly realises that everyone will eventually die, including his magic as it is insubstantial. So? What does this say about discovey? Is it a positive or negative element of a discovery? Prospero is realising, through this confronting discovery, his selfishness and absence of mind as he is slowly undergoing his transformation in search of his humanity. The magical servant Ariel, challenges Prospero’s humanity when describing Gonzalo’s suffering by saying, “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds…If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…”. This quote may be a bit long The Simile describing Gonzalo’s tears shows that human emotions are real but also their compassionate power is able to move Prospero as Prospero says “And mine shall”, foreshadowing through a contemplative tone, his renewed perception of himself as he is challenged to consider the need for getting revenge. Prospero decides that he will not just be compassionate but get rid of his magic as he declares: “I’ll break my staff, bury it certain fathoms in the earth and deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book.” The strong verbs convey his determination to get rid of his magic as he has realised that magic has prevented him from regaining his humanity. Thus, Prospero’s discovery of his true self has made him have a better understanding of himself and of others as he realises that magic has prevented him from being compassionate and a leader.
Really good paragraph, with some really solid analysis. Be careful that you're not just recounting aspects of the plot. Additionally, you need to work all of this argument into a unifying thesis, which I don't think comes out very strongly here. Try writing out your thesis in one sentence. Include it in your introduction, and keep coming back to it throughout your response!
Similarly, in The Good Morrow, the persona’s understanding is transformed since they discover more about the concept of love as they too see a spiritual connection emerge between their souls. “My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears”, shows that the lovers feel a deep connection and that they show this emerging within each other’s eyes, foreshadowing the interweaving of the souls. The assonance of the ‘i’ sound also parallels this idea. The two lovers thus discover that they are about to experience a deeper connection, transforming their knowledge of the concept of love and the way they feel about each other. Take this more big picture; what does this say about discovery in general? Link it back to a thesis here! “And now good morrow to our waking souls…Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.”, personifies the souls as living beings, as the lovers have such a deep connection for one another that they become intertwined into one entity. “Waking” also has connotations to awakening to this new experience as this further emphasises the better understanding which has occurred between the couple as the lovers 'wake' up to a new way of experiencing love. The couple’s lives have thus been transformed as they discover that they can experience love spiritually through by joining their souls together.
Great analysis throughout! You need to be stronger with your thesis, and bring ALL analysis back to that thesis. Make sure to include a conclusion, which I'm sure you would in an exam situation. Finally, make sure to actually compare the two pieces as much as possible. When discussing the second text, use words like "contrary to Text A" or "similarly to Text A" etc. etc. Clearly, you have a really good understanding of the texts themselves; it's just about creating a strong thesis from here on in.
Through the course of Prospero’s self discovery journey, he experiences events which heavily transform his perception of himself and of others. As Prospero reflects his past experiences to Miranda, he displays an absence of mind about the responsibilities of his dukedom; “From mine own library with volumes that I prize above my dukedom”. The comparison of his library to his dukedom displays Prospero’s lack of understanding as a leader as he praises his books above all else. Good analysis, but I want GREAT analysis. Delve into this metaphor a little more. Following the masque, he realises “We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep.” The metaphor compares the shortness of human life to waking and sleeping as he slowly realises that everyone will eventually die, including his magic as it is insubstantial. So? What does this say about discovey? Is it a positive or negative element of a discovery? Prospero is realising, through this confronting discovery, his selfishness and absence of mind as he is slowly undergoing his transformation in search of his humanity. The magical servant Ariel, challenges Prospero’s humanity when describing Gonzalo’s suffering by saying, “His tears run down his beard like winter’s drops from eaves of reeds…If you now beheld them, your affections would become tender…”. This quote may be a bit long The Simile describing Gonzalo’s tears shows that human emotions are real but also their compassionate power is able to move Prospero as Prospero says “And mine shall”, foreshadowing through a contemplative tone, his renewed perception of himself as he is challenged to consider the need for getting revenge. Prospero decides that he will not just be compassionate but get rid of his magic as he declares: “I’ll break my staff, bury it certain fathoms in the earth and deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book.” The strong verbs convey his determination to get rid of his magic as he has realised that magic has prevented him from regaining his humanity. Thus, Prospero’s discovery of his true self has made him have a better understanding of himself and of others as he realises that magic has prevented him from being compassionate and a leader.
Really good paragraph, with some really solid analysis. Be careful that you're not just recounting aspects of the plot. Additionally, you need to work all of this argument into a unifying thesis, which I don't think comes out very strongly here. Try writing out your thesis in one sentence. Include it in your introduction, and keep coming back to it throughout your response!
Similarly, in The Good Morrow, the persona’s understanding is transformed since they discover more about the concept of love as they too see a spiritual connection emerge between their souls. “My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears”, shows that the lovers feel a deep connection and that they show this emerging within each other’s eyes, foreshadowing the interweaving of the souls. The assonance of the ‘i’ sound also parallels this idea. The two lovers thus discover that they are about to experience a deeper connection, transforming their knowledge of the concept of love and the way they feel about each other. Take this more big picture; what does this say about discovery in general? Link it back to a thesis here! “And now good morrow to our waking souls…Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.”, personifies the souls as living beings, as the lovers have such a deep connection for one another that they become intertwined into one entity. “Waking” also has connotations to awakening to this new experience as this further emphasises the better understanding which has occurred between the couple as the lovers 'wake' up to a new way of experiencing love. The couple’s lives have thus been transformed as they discover that they can experience love spiritually through by joining their souls together.
Great analysis throughout! You need to be stronger with your thesis, and bring ALL analysis back to that thesis. Make sure to include a conclusion, which I'm sure you would in an exam situation. Finally, make sure to actually compare the two pieces as much as possible. When discussing the second text, use words like "contrary to Text A" or "similarly to Text A" etc. etc. Clearly, you have a really good understanding of the texts themselves; it's just about creating a strong thesis from here on in.
Post by: jakesilove on October 07, 2016, 10:28:17 pm
Hey guys
I would appreciate if you could mark my AOS essay please! Thanks in advance. (Hoping I have made the 15 posts as I don't know how to check)
Hey! Check out my comments below :)
Original Essay
Spoiler
Discoveries help to shape an individual’s identity and the way that they perceive the world around them
Individuals may experience change due to the reconciling of discoveries, which can affect their perception of the world they live in. Discovery is a new experience that can be lead forth by a change of one’s mind. Michael Gow conveys the ideas of hardship and acceptance through his play “Away”, as the characters journey on different holidays in order to become changed people; synchronising with Christopher Kezelos’ film “Zero” where hardship and acceptance plays a crucial role in initiating everyone’s personal discovery. These ideas are conveyed to help deepen an individual’s understanding of ways that discoveries shape a person’s identity and the way they perceive the world around them. Thus provokes an individual to reflect on their own life.
Gow recognises hardship by shaping a character in his play ‘Away’ through mental changes in the characters. Jim, Gwen’s husband, illustrates to his daughter Meg the hardship they had faced which was growing up in the depression “The world was full of people walking around the country side looking for something to eat, all thinking about the day they could stop walking. We all did it. Your mother did it.” Jim paints us a picture through imagery to emphasise to Meg that it is through the hardship Gwen challenged during the Great Depression during her past that has characterised her today. As a result, her actions imitate her controlling personality and engender her family to become isolated and flawed, especially towards Meg. It highlighted regularly throughout the play that Gwen thrives of conflict especially with her daughter Meg. This is highlighted when Gwen and Meg are packing the suitcase and “they struggle with the case until it is shut”. The tension that is existent between them is represented by this visual metaphor. By moving objects in the suitcase about, is also a metaphor for Gwen to change her attitude and try new ways to solve her problems. Gow facilitates this through her dialogue when she stresses about her items during “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of action portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent. Gow powerfully strengthens our knowledge of how past hardships can impact the present and the unknown future.
Similarly in’ Zero’, Zero experiences hardship at the initiation of the film which is the core factor of why the change occurs later on. Kezelos accentuates this hardship through the use of imagery. We are told “School was the only place where Zero received attention. It was forbidden for his denomination to multiply”. Film techniques such as the first person perspective camera shot of Zero and flipping the camera upside down showing Zero being hung are utilised to deliver a strong depiction of Zero’s experiences as he receives these antisocial judgements. In the classroom, the other children lie to get Zero in trouble, displaying that they do not value zero like any other number. This emphasises just a small portion of the hardships Zero had to deal with. As showcased by Kezelos, hardships experienced by an individual may eventually lead into a fresh discovery.
‘Away’ continues to facilitate how hardship catalyses acceptance and creates a meaningful discovery. At the start of the play, Gwen always had to rely on ‘Bex’ pills to resolve all her problems. She was being too dependent on an external remedy to cure her internal problems. As the play draws to the conclusion, the storm subsides and Gwen cries “I can’t take this powder. I can’t make it go in. I want to take it and it won’t go in. I’m going to be sick”. Gwen repeats “I” as it represents the unexpected confronting discovery she is making to mentally find herself. She realises she has to solve her problems by confronting them rather than relying on the materialistic 'Bex' to eliminate the mental pain she’s experiencing. After confronting them, she becomes a better person and is accepted by pupils as opposed to the person she was during the Great Depression. The storm allows her to rediscover herself as it brings her family closer together; thus allows her to break away the facade of negativity and accept a change in her life. Coral also becomes acceptant as she endorses the simile “like a ghost”. The purpose of this simile emphasises how Coral has been absent since the death of her son and has been unable to cope in the real world. The self-discovery she experiences at the beach is a metaphor for her emotional journey to recovery of self and ability to ‘walk’ in the world of the living. As highlighted above, Gow continues to expand our knowledge of how accepting change brings new discoveries.
A reference of acceptance moulding the personality of Zero is his baby being born. The citizens express shock and disgust at Female Zero’s pregnancy. Nevertheless, as she gives birth, this disgust changes to awe of admiration when they notice the baby bearing an ‘infinity’ marking, “The highest known number…” Zero knew “that for a nothing, he had created something truly magnificent”. Symbolism is elucidated here as the pair had given the number zero a new perception. They had brought the largest number possible to life. Now that the baby is alive, every other number values the number zero and he is able to discover what he is truly worth. As highlighted above; Kezelos continues to expand our knowledge of how change brings new discoveries.
Throughout Gow’s ‘Away’ , Gwen and Coral experience meaningful discoveries through the physical adventure of a holiday as they return from their holiday as new people. Kezelos demonstrates in ‘Zero’ how significant something small like the birth of a single baby can change everyone’s lives in the way they vision reality. The ideas of hardship and acceptance support how much a single change can influence how an individual sees the world around them.
Back up paragraphs
Acceptance can affirm an individual’s beliefs as they emotionally discover the power of materialism and the hardships that people face. Gow facilitates this through Gwen’s dialogue as she cries “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of this stage direction portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent. As highlighted above, Gow extensively widens our understanding of how discoveries are brought about change.
People experience physical and mental changes as a result of being acceptant of people and events. Acceptance is demonstrated through people being changed by the discovery of a new perception is when Zero is dumped in jail. This is a visual metaphor of Zero being excluded from society. The wide angle shot displays a symbolic illustration Zero is engraving into the wall of his cell after being imprisoned for forbidden love, showing the beauty of nature and the love he has for his companion which is his only hope of discovering a new life. This is ironic as society committed a crime by discriminating his ‘type’ (number). Mysterious non diegetic music also suggests his hope for positive future possibilities in a new reality, despite the physical and ideological limitations. Zero was forced on a pathway that was once controlled by the arms of society, thus as a result to only become enriched by freedom. Christopher Kezelos helps the audience widen our understanding of how discovery can be delivered by a new concept.
Individuals may experience change due to the reconciling of discoveries, which can affect their perception of the world they live in. Discovery is a new experience that can be lead forth by a change of one’s mind. Michael Gow conveys the ideas of hardship and acceptance through his play “Away”, as the characters journey on different holidays in order to become changed people; synchronising with Christopher Kezelos’ film “Zero” where hardship and acceptance plays a crucial role in initiating everyone’s personal discovery. These ideas are conveyed to help deepen an individual’s understanding of ways that discoveries shape a person’s identity and the way they perceive the world around them. Thus provokes an individual to reflect on their own life.
Gow recognises hardship by shaping a character in his play ‘Away’ through mental changes in the characters. Jim, Gwen’s husband, illustrates to his daughter Meg the hardship they had faced which was growing up in the depression “The world was full of people walking around the country side looking for something to eat, all thinking about the day they could stop walking. We all did it. Your mother did it.” Jim paints us a picture through imagery to emphasise to Meg that it is through the hardship Gwen challenged during the Great Depression during her past that has characterised her today. As a result, her actions imitate her controlling personality and engender her family to become isolated and flawed, especially towards Meg. It highlighted regularly throughout the play that Gwen thrives of conflict especially with her daughter Meg. This is highlighted when Gwen and Meg are packing the suitcase and “they struggle with the case until it is shut”. The tension that is existent between them is represented by this visual metaphor. By moving objects in the suitcase about, is also a metaphor for Gwen to change her attitude and try new ways to solve her problems. Gow facilitates this through her dialogue when she stresses about her items during “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of action portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent. Gow powerfully strengthens our knowledge of how past hardships can impact the present and the unknown future.
Similarly in’ Zero’, Zero experiences hardship at the initiation of the film which is the core factor of why the change occurs later on. Kezelos accentuates this hardship through the use of imagery. We are told “School was the only place where Zero received attention. It was forbidden for his denomination to multiply”. Film techniques such as the first person perspective camera shot of Zero and flipping the camera upside down showing Zero being hung are utilised to deliver a strong depiction of Zero’s experiences as he receives these antisocial judgements. In the classroom, the other children lie to get Zero in trouble, displaying that they do not value zero like any other number. This emphasises just a small portion of the hardships Zero had to deal with. As showcased by Kezelos, hardships experienced by an individual may eventually lead into a fresh discovery.
‘Away’ continues to facilitate how hardship catalyses acceptance and creates a meaningful discovery. At the start of the play, Gwen always had to rely on ‘Bex’ pills to resolve all her problems. She was being too dependent on an external remedy to cure her internal problems. As the play draws to the conclusion, the storm subsides and Gwen cries “I can’t take this powder. I can’t make it go in. I want to take it and it won’t go in. I’m going to be sick”. Gwen repeats “I” as it represents the unexpected confronting discovery she is making to mentally find herself. She realises she has to solve her problems by confronting them rather than relying on the materialistic 'Bex' to eliminate the mental pain she’s experiencing. After confronting them, she becomes a better person and is accepted by pupils as opposed to the person she was during the Great Depression. The storm allows her to rediscover herself as it brings her family closer together; thus allows her to break away the facade of negativity and accept a change in her life. Coral also becomes acceptant as she endorses the simile “like a ghost”. The purpose of this simile emphasises how Coral has been absent since the death of her son and has been unable to cope in the real world. The self-discovery she experiences at the beach is a metaphor for her emotional journey to recovery of self and ability to ‘walk’ in the world of the living. As highlighted above, Gow continues to expand our knowledge of how accepting change brings new discoveries.
A reference of acceptance moulding the personality of Zero is his baby being born. The citizens express shock and disgust at Female Zero’s pregnancy. Nevertheless, as she gives birth, this disgust changes to awe of admiration when they notice the baby bearing an ‘infinity’ marking, “The highest known number…” Zero knew “that for a nothing, he had created something truly magnificent”. Symbolism is elucidated here as the pair had given the number zero a new perception. They had brought the largest number possible to life. Now that the baby is alive, every other number values the number zero and he is able to discover what he is truly worth. As highlighted above; Kezelos continues to expand our knowledge of how change brings new discoveries.
Throughout Gow’s ‘Away’ , Gwen and Coral experience meaningful discoveries through the physical adventure of a holiday as they return from their holiday as new people. Kezelos demonstrates in ‘Zero’ how significant something small like the birth of a single baby can change everyone’s lives in the way they vision reality. The ideas of hardship and acceptance support how much a single change can influence how an individual sees the world around them.
Back up paragraphs
Acceptance can affirm an individual’s beliefs as they emotionally discover the power of materialism and the hardships that people face. Gow facilitates this through Gwen’s dialogue as she cries “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of this stage direction portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent. As highlighted above, Gow extensively widens our understanding of how discoveries are brought about change.
People experience physical and mental changes as a result of being acceptant of people and events. Acceptance is demonstrated through people being changed by the discovery of a new perception is when Zero is dumped in jail. This is a visual metaphor of Zero being excluded from society. The wide angle shot displays a symbolic illustration Zero is engraving into the wall of his cell after being imprisoned for forbidden love, showing the beauty of nature and the love he has for his companion which is his only hope of discovering a new life. This is ironic as society committed a crime by discriminating his ‘type’ (number). Mysterious non diegetic music also suggests his hope for positive future possibilities in a new reality, despite the physical and ideological limitations. Zero was forced on a pathway that was once controlled by the arms of society, thus as a result to only become enriched by freedom. Christopher Kezelos helps the audience widen our understanding of how discovery can be delivered by a new concept.
Essay with Comments
Spoiler
Discoveries help to shape an individual’s identity and the way that they perceive the world around them
Individuals may experience change due to the reconciling of discoveries, which can affect their perception of the world they live in. Great introductory sentence! Discovery is a new experience that can be lead forth by a change of one’s mind. Michael Gow conveys the ideas of hardship and acceptance through his play “Away”, as the characters journey on different holidays in order to become changed people Do they travel in order to become new people? Or do they become new people on their journey?; synchronising with Christopher Kezelos’ film “Zero” where hardship and acceptance plays a crucial role in initiating everyone’s personal discovery. These ideas are conveyed to help deepen an individual’s understanding of ways that discoveries shape a person’s identity and the way they perceive the world around them. Thus provokes an individual to reflect on their own life.
Great intro. If you felt like making it a bit clearer how the two texts interlink, you could, but honestly it's fine as it is.
Gow recognises hardship by shaping a character in his play ‘Away’ through mental changes in the characters. Jim, Gwen’s husband, illustrates to his daughter Meg the hardship they had faced which was growing up in the depression “The world was full of people walking around the country side looking for something to eat, all thinking about the day they could stop walking. We all did it. Your mother did it.” This sentence is a bit rambly, and the quote is a bit long. Read it out loud; if a sentence sounds off when you read it, you need to rephrase it somehow. Jim paints us the audience a picture through imagery to emphasise to Meg that it is through the hardship Gwen challenged faced during the Great Depression during her past that has characterised her today. Be more specific about the imagery here. What kind of imagery? What does that specifically convey? Is that what is trying to be conveyed, and what does that say about discovery in general? As a result, her actions imitate her controlling personality and engender her family to become isolated and flawed, especially towards Meg. It highlighted regularly throughout the play that Gwen thrives of conflict especially with her daughter Meg. This is highlighted when Gwen and Meg are packing the suitcase and “they struggle with the case until it is shut”. The tension that is existent between them is represented by this visual metaphor. By moving objects in the suitcase about, is also a metaphor for Gwen to change her attitude and try new ways to solve her problems. Gow facilitates this through her dialogue when she stresses about her items during “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of action portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent. Gow powerfully strengthens our knowledge of how past hardships can impact the present and the unknown future.
Great analysis, but you need to link it more to overarching themes of Discovery, the human condition etc. Don't let analysis die; once you've made a great point, link it to broader themes.
Similarly in’ Zero’, Zero experiences hardship at the initiation of the film which is the core factor of why the change occurs later on. Kezelos accentuates this hardship through the use of imagery. We are told “School was the only place where Zero received attention. It was forbidden for his denomination to multiply”. Film techniques such as the first person perspective camera shot of Zero and flipping the camera upside down showing Zero being hung are utilised to deliver a strong depiction of Zero’s experiences as he receives these antisocial judgements. In the classroom, the other children lie to get Zero in trouble, displaying that they do not value zero like any other number. This emphasises just a small portion of the hardships Zero had to deal with. As showcased by Kezelos, hardships experienced by an individual may eventually lead into a fresh discovery.
Rather than having a concluding sentence about discovery at the end of your paragraph, place these throughout. Also, link your related text to your set text much more than this, using words like 'similarly' and 'conversely'. Compare their THEMES; this will force you to discuss broader notions of discovery
‘Away’ continues to facilitate how hardship catalyses acceptance and creates a meaningful discovery. At the start of the play, Gwen always had to rely on ‘Bex’ pills to resolve all her problems. She was being too dependent on an external remedy to cure her internal problems. As the play draws to the conclusion, the storm subsides and Gwen cries “I can’t take this powder. I can’t make it go in. I want to take it and it won’t go in. I’m going to be sick”. Gwen repeats “I” as it represents the unexpected confronting discovery she is making to mentally find herself. She realises she has to solve her problems by confronting them rather than relying on the materialistic 'Bex' to eliminate the mental pain she’s experiencing. After confronting them, she becomes a better person Be more nuanced that this; what even is a 'better person'? Does she improve the way she acts towards others? Just be more specific, because this feels very colloquial. and is accepted by pupils as opposed to the person she was during the Great Depression. The storm allows her to rediscover herself as it brings her family closer together Is the storm any sort of technique? Pathetic fallacy perhaps?; thus allows her to break away the facade of negativity and accept a change in her life. Coral also becomes acceptant as she endorses the simile “like a ghost”. The purpose of this simile emphasises how Coral has been absent since the death of her son and has been unable to cope in the real world. The self-discovery she experiences at the beach is a metaphor for her emotional journey to recovery of self and ability to ‘walk’ in the world of the living. As highlighted above, Gow continues to expand our knowledge of how accepting change brings new discoveries.
See my comments above; they all apply in this last paragraph.
A reference of acceptance moulding the personality of Zero is his baby being born. The citizens express shock and disgust at Female Zero’s pregnancy. Nevertheless, as she gives birth, this disgust changes to awe of admiration when they notice the baby bearing an ‘infinity’ marking, “The highest known number…” Zero knew “that for a nothing, he had created something truly magnificent”. Symbolism is elucidated here as the pair had given the number zero a new perception. They had brought the largest number possible to life. Now that the baby is alive, every other number values the number zero and he is able to discover what he is truly worth. As highlighted above; Kezelos continues to expand our knowledge of how change brings new discoveries. LINK THIS TO YOUR SET TEXT!!! Otherwise, it feels like you're having two completely separate discussions
Throughout Gow’s ‘Away’ , Gwen and Coral experience meaningful discoveries through the physical adventure of a holiday as they return from their holiday as new people. Kezelos demonstrates in ‘Zero’ how significant something small like the birth of a single baby can change everyone’s lives in the way they vision reality. The ideas of hardship and acceptance support how much a single change can influence how an individual sees the world around them.
Good conclusion. My main two points would be to make sure you bring analysis back to the general, thematic concerns surrounding Discovery, and to actually compare the texts rather than just write things about each text. Do they say the same thing about discovery? Do they say something different? Can you understand discovery better by looking to a combination of the texts? What do they reveal about the human condition?
Back up paragraphs
Acceptance can affirm an individual’s beliefs as they emotionally discover the power of materialism and the hardships that people face. Gow facilitates this through Gwen’s dialogue as she cries “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of this stage direction portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent. As highlighted above, Gow extensively widens our understanding of how discoveries are brought about change.
People experience physical and mental changes as a result of being acceptant of people and events. Acceptance is demonstrated through people being changed by the discovery of a new perception is when Zero is dumped in jail. This is far too colloquial for an essay This is a visual metaphor of Zero being excluded from society. The wide angle shot displays a symbolic illustration Zero is engraving into the wall of his cell after being imprisoned for forbidden love, showing the beauty of nature and the love he has for his companion which is his only hope of discovering a new life. This is ironic as society committed a crime by discriminating his ‘type’ (number). Mysterious non diegetic music also suggests his hope for positive future possibilities in a new reality, despite the physical and ideological limitations. Zero was forced on a pathway that was once controlled by the arms of society, thus as a result to only become enriched by freedom. Christopher Kezelos helps the audience widen our understanding of how discovery can be delivered by a new concept.
Individuals may experience change due to the reconciling of discoveries, which can affect their perception of the world they live in. Great introductory sentence! Discovery is a new experience that can be lead forth by a change of one’s mind. Michael Gow conveys the ideas of hardship and acceptance through his play “Away”, as the characters journey on different holidays in order to become changed people Do they travel in order to become new people? Or do they become new people on their journey?; synchronising with Christopher Kezelos’ film “Zero” where hardship and acceptance plays a crucial role in initiating everyone’s personal discovery. These ideas are conveyed to help deepen an individual’s understanding of ways that discoveries shape a person’s identity and the way they perceive the world around them. Thus provokes an individual to reflect on their own life.
Great intro. If you felt like making it a bit clearer how the two texts interlink, you could, but honestly it's fine as it is.
Gow recognises hardship by shaping a character in his play ‘Away’ through mental changes in the characters. Jim, Gwen’s husband, illustrates to his daughter Meg the hardship they had faced which was growing up in the depression “The world was full of people walking around the country side looking for something to eat, all thinking about the day they could stop walking. We all did it. Your mother did it.” This sentence is a bit rambly, and the quote is a bit long. Read it out loud; if a sentence sounds off when you read it, you need to rephrase it somehow. Jim paints us the audience a picture through imagery to emphasise to Meg that it is through the hardship Gwen challenged faced during the Great Depression
Great analysis, but you need to link it more to overarching themes of Discovery, the human condition etc. Don't let analysis die; once you've made a great point, link it to broader themes.
Similarly in’ Zero’, Zero experiences hardship at the initiation of the film which is the core factor of why the change occurs later on. Kezelos accentuates this hardship through the use of imagery. We are told “School was the only place where Zero received attention. It was forbidden for his denomination to multiply”. Film techniques such as the first person perspective camera shot of Zero and flipping the camera upside down showing Zero being hung are utilised to deliver a strong depiction of Zero’s experiences as he receives these antisocial judgements. In the classroom, the other children lie to get Zero in trouble, displaying that they do not value zero like any other number. This emphasises just a small portion of the hardships Zero had to deal with. As showcased by Kezelos, hardships experienced by an individual may eventually lead into a fresh discovery.
Rather than having a concluding sentence about discovery at the end of your paragraph, place these throughout. Also, link your related text to your set text much more than this, using words like 'similarly' and 'conversely'. Compare their THEMES; this will force you to discuss broader notions of discovery
‘Away’ continues to facilitate how hardship catalyses acceptance and creates a meaningful discovery. At the start of the play, Gwen always had to rely on ‘Bex’ pills to resolve all her problems. She was being too dependent on an external remedy to cure her internal problems. As the play draws to the conclusion, the storm subsides and Gwen cries “I can’t take this powder. I can’t make it go in. I want to take it and it won’t go in. I’m going to be sick”. Gwen repeats “I” as it represents the unexpected confronting discovery she is making to mentally find herself. She realises she has to solve her problems by confronting them rather than relying on the materialistic 'Bex' to eliminate the mental pain she’s experiencing. After confronting them, she becomes a better person Be more nuanced that this; what even is a 'better person'? Does she improve the way she acts towards others? Just be more specific, because this feels very colloquial. and is accepted by pupils as opposed to the person she was during the Great Depression. The storm allows her to rediscover herself as it brings her family closer together Is the storm any sort of technique? Pathetic fallacy perhaps?; thus allows her to break away the facade of negativity and accept a change in her life. Coral also becomes acceptant as she endorses the simile “like a ghost”. The purpose of this simile emphasises how Coral has been absent since the death of her son and has been unable to cope in the real world. The self-discovery she experiences at the beach is a metaphor for her emotional journey to recovery of self and ability to ‘walk’ in the world of the living. As highlighted above, Gow continues to expand our knowledge of how accepting change brings new discoveries.
See my comments above; they all apply in this last paragraph.
A reference of acceptance moulding the personality of Zero is his baby being born. The citizens express shock and disgust at Female Zero’s pregnancy. Nevertheless, as she gives birth, this disgust changes to awe of admiration when they notice the baby bearing an ‘infinity’ marking, “The highest known number…” Zero knew “that for a nothing, he had created something truly magnificent”. Symbolism is elucidated here as the pair had given the number zero a new perception. They had brought the largest number possible to life. Now that the baby is alive, every other number values the number zero and he is able to discover what he is truly worth. As highlighted above; Kezelos continues to expand our knowledge of how change brings new discoveries. LINK THIS TO YOUR SET TEXT!!! Otherwise, it feels like you're having two completely separate discussions
Throughout Gow’s ‘Away’ , Gwen and Coral experience meaningful discoveries through the physical adventure of a holiday as they return from their holiday as new people. Kezelos demonstrates in ‘Zero’ how significant something small like the birth of a single baby can change everyone’s lives in the way they vision reality. The ideas of hardship and acceptance support how much a single change can influence how an individual sees the world around them.
Good conclusion. My main two points would be to make sure you bring analysis back to the general, thematic concerns surrounding Discovery, and to actually compare the texts rather than just write things about each text. Do they say the same thing about discovery? Do they say something different? Can you understand discovery better by looking to a combination of the texts? What do they reveal about the human condition?
Back up paragraphs
Acceptance can affirm an individual’s beliefs as they emotionally discover the power of materialism and the hardships that people face. Gow facilitates this through Gwen’s dialogue as she cries “wreak havoc with noise, light and frenzied activity”. The effect of this stage direction portrays how attached Gwen is to her materialistic items and how much she values them as she is upset about the goods being ruined by the “spectacular storm”. This storm impacts Gwen in the long run because everything she valued is now non-existent. As highlighted above, Gow extensively widens our understanding of how discoveries are brought about change.
People experience physical and mental changes as a result of being acceptant of people and events. Acceptance is demonstrated through people being changed by the discovery of a new perception is when Zero is dumped in jail. This is far too colloquial for an essay This is a visual metaphor of Zero being excluded from society. The wide angle shot displays a symbolic illustration Zero is engraving into the wall of his cell after being imprisoned for forbidden love, showing the beauty of nature and the love he has for his companion which is his only hope of discovering a new life. This is ironic as society committed a crime by discriminating his ‘type’ (number). Mysterious non diegetic music also suggests his hope for positive future possibilities in a new reality, despite the physical and ideological limitations. Zero was forced on a pathway that was once controlled by the arms of society, thus as a result to only become enriched by freedom. Christopher Kezelos helps the audience widen our understanding of how discovery can be delivered by a new concept.
Post by: jakesilove on October 07, 2016, 10:40:11 pm
Hey! Would be great if I could get some feedback and marking done for my discovery essay. I don't have anything specific that I need you to zoom into, but anything that would be helpful thanks :) Also don't really want to make it very much longer than this.
Hey! Check out my comments and suggestions below :)
Original Essay
Spoiler
Discovery has the power to transform individual lives.
How is this idea represented in your prescribed text and at least ONE other text of your choosing?
Discovery is complex in nature, allowing it to be experienced differently by various individuals; moreover, all discoveries have the power to transform the lives of the discoverer. This perspective on discovery is represented in both Ivan O’Mahoney’s 2011 documentary TV series Go Back to Where You Came From which examines responses towards discoveries regarding asylum seekers, and Lorrain Levy’s 2012 film The Other Son which focuses on a singular significant discovery that two children were mistakenly swapped at birth. O’Mahoney portrays how discoveries can transform the lives of individuals through enriching their understandings of others, and challenging their former beliefs, while Levy also reflects this through conveying the transformative impacts of discovery on one’s sense of identity.
Powerful discoveries transform the lives of individuals through enhancing their understandings of others; a concept illustrated through O’Mahoney’s portrayal of Gleny in Go Back. O’Mahoney uses an edited introductory interview to establish Gleny’s original understandings of asylum seekers; the interweaving of a midshot and the emotive language of “detention centres are inhumane,” highlight Gleny’s strong stance against the detainment of asylum seekers, revealing her sympathetic attitude towards them. Through the inclusion of musical instruments within the mise-en-scene, O’Mahoney establishes music as a recurring motif symbolic of Gleny’s support for asylum seekers and compassionate attitude. This motif recurs in the second episode, when Gleny sings with the Chin children; a rotating camera reveals the joyous facial expressions of the children, highlighting how the discoveries Gleny has made of the circumstances of the Chin children have allowed her to form personal relationships with them. This, in conjunction with the recurrence of the motif, communicates how Gleny’s discoveries have enriched her understanding of asylum seekers. In the third episode, a long shot captures Gleny imitating the dancing of an Iraqi child, symbolizing how her discovery of his underprivileged lifestyle has prompted her to form an emotional connection with him. The recurrence of the motif of diegetic music, which plays in the hospital, communicates that this discovery-driven connection has refined Gleny’s understandings of asylum seekers. This idea is also conveyed when Gleny reflects on her teaching of the Chin children. Non-diegetic music is used to emphasize her stating “it seems the more [they] have… the less they seem to realise how lucky they are”, revealing how the discovery of the Chin children’s attitudes has inspired Gleny to re-evaluate the attitudes of her Australian students, highlighting her transformed perception of other individuals. In Go Back, O’Mahoney communicates how discovery can be transformative through enriching an individual’s understanding of others.
Discoveries can transform people through challenging their previous beliefs and assumptions; this is represented in Go Back through O’Mahoney’s exploration of how the discoveries made by the participant Adam challenge his perspective on asylum seekers. Repetition of “reality check” when reflecting on his visit to the Villawood detention centre is interweaved with the zooming of the camera into a close-up highlighting his shocked facial expression, revealing how the discovery of the poor living conditions within the detention centre conflicts with his initial assumption that asylum seekers lived with “millions of dollars”, challenging his beliefs. In the second episode, repetition of “for free?” creates a shocked inquisitive tone, highlighting his disbelief that the Chin workers are unpaid. A high-angled shot of Adam working on the soil conveys his fatigue and lack of motivation, which is juxtaposed to a long shot of him working harder after making this challenging discovery, revealing how it has deeply transformed him. When reflecting on the immigration raid, a close-up is used in conjunction with emotional non-diegetic music when he states in an indirect interview, “I’d get on a boat,” to emphasize his support for asylum seekers; this is extended through the alternating close=ups with Darren, contrasting his unchallenged beliefs with Adam’s. When this is contrasted with Adam’s strong opposition to them in the opening of the series, established through the emotive language of “criminals” in his pre-packaged introductory interview, as well as O’Mahoney’s dramatization through included footage of the Race Riots, it is revealed that the discoveries made during the series have challenged his initial beliefs and transformed him. Through portraying how discoveries have the power to challenge an individual’s ideas, O’Mahoney represents the transformative nature of discovery.
Similarly, Levy’s film The Other Son explores how powerful discoveries can transform an individual through enriching and challenging their sense of identity. Following Leila’s discovery that Yacine is not her biological son, Levy uses a panning camera between the two, revealing their familial connection. Similarly to O’Mahoney, Levy uses diegetic music of the family singing to further highlight their relationship, emphasizing how Leila’s discovery has enriched her understanding of Yacine’s familial identity. Later in the film, chiaroscuro is used, representing Bilal’s anger when he yells “you’re not one of us!” portraying his rejection of Yacine, emphasizing how the discovery of Yacine’s lack of biological connection has transformed his beliefs of Yacine’s familial identity. When Joseph discovers that he is an Arab, a high-angle shot is used of him, highlighting his anguish as he exclaims “I’ll have to swap my kippa for a suicide bomb!” conveying how his cultural identity has been deeply challenged and transformed by the sudden discovery, similar to Adam’s “reality check” in Go Back. Soon after, Levy includes a scene of him dancing, intertwined with non-diegetic music lacks synchronization his dancing. This juxtaposition of visual and auditory features of the film represents his inner conflict, revealing how the discovery of his ethnicity has transformed his cultural and personal identity. The power of discovery is represented in The Other Son through Levy’s exploration of its effects on the identity of the characters of the film.
While discoveries can be multifaceted and affect individuals in various ways, it is made clear through Go Back and The Other Son that discovery has an innate transformative power. Both composers represent this idea through portraying the impacts of discovery on the individuals of their respective texts.
How is this idea represented in your prescribed text and at least ONE other text of your choosing?
Discovery is complex in nature, allowing it to be experienced differently by various individuals; moreover, all discoveries have the power to transform the lives of the discoverer. This perspective on discovery is represented in both Ivan O’Mahoney’s 2011 documentary TV series Go Back to Where You Came From which examines responses towards discoveries regarding asylum seekers, and Lorrain Levy’s 2012 film The Other Son which focuses on a singular significant discovery that two children were mistakenly swapped at birth. O’Mahoney portrays how discoveries can transform the lives of individuals through enriching their understandings of others, and challenging their former beliefs, while Levy also reflects this through conveying the transformative impacts of discovery on one’s sense of identity.
Powerful discoveries transform the lives of individuals through enhancing their understandings of others; a concept illustrated through O’Mahoney’s portrayal of Gleny in Go Back. O’Mahoney uses an edited introductory interview to establish Gleny’s original understandings of asylum seekers; the interweaving of a midshot and the emotive language of “detention centres are inhumane,” highlight Gleny’s strong stance against the detainment of asylum seekers, revealing her sympathetic attitude towards them. Through the inclusion of musical instruments within the mise-en-scene, O’Mahoney establishes music as a recurring motif symbolic of Gleny’s support for asylum seekers and compassionate attitude. This motif recurs in the second episode, when Gleny sings with the Chin children; a rotating camera reveals the joyous facial expressions of the children, highlighting how the discoveries Gleny has made of the circumstances of the Chin children have allowed her to form personal relationships with them. This, in conjunction with the recurrence of the motif, communicates how Gleny’s discoveries have enriched her understanding of asylum seekers. In the third episode, a long shot captures Gleny imitating the dancing of an Iraqi child, symbolizing how her discovery of his underprivileged lifestyle has prompted her to form an emotional connection with him. The recurrence of the motif of diegetic music, which plays in the hospital, communicates that this discovery-driven connection has refined Gleny’s understandings of asylum seekers. This idea is also conveyed when Gleny reflects on her teaching of the Chin children. Non-diegetic music is used to emphasize her stating “it seems the more [they] have… the less they seem to realise how lucky they are”, revealing how the discovery of the Chin children’s attitudes has inspired Gleny to re-evaluate the attitudes of her Australian students, highlighting her transformed perception of other individuals. In Go Back, O’Mahoney communicates how discovery can be transformative through enriching an individual’s understanding of others.
Discoveries can transform people through challenging their previous beliefs and assumptions; this is represented in Go Back through O’Mahoney’s exploration of how the discoveries made by the participant Adam challenge his perspective on asylum seekers. Repetition of “reality check” when reflecting on his visit to the Villawood detention centre is interweaved with the zooming of the camera into a close-up highlighting his shocked facial expression, revealing how the discovery of the poor living conditions within the detention centre conflicts with his initial assumption that asylum seekers lived with “millions of dollars”, challenging his beliefs. In the second episode, repetition of “for free?” creates a shocked inquisitive tone, highlighting his disbelief that the Chin workers are unpaid. A high-angled shot of Adam working on the soil conveys his fatigue and lack of motivation, which is juxtaposed to a long shot of him working harder after making this challenging discovery, revealing how it has deeply transformed him. When reflecting on the immigration raid, a close-up is used in conjunction with emotional non-diegetic music when he states in an indirect interview, “I’d get on a boat,” to emphasize his support for asylum seekers; this is extended through the alternating close=ups with Darren, contrasting his unchallenged beliefs with Adam’s. When this is contrasted with Adam’s strong opposition to them in the opening of the series, established through the emotive language of “criminals” in his pre-packaged introductory interview, as well as O’Mahoney’s dramatization through included footage of the Race Riots, it is revealed that the discoveries made during the series have challenged his initial beliefs and transformed him. Through portraying how discoveries have the power to challenge an individual’s ideas, O’Mahoney represents the transformative nature of discovery.
Similarly, Levy’s film The Other Son explores how powerful discoveries can transform an individual through enriching and challenging their sense of identity. Following Leila’s discovery that Yacine is not her biological son, Levy uses a panning camera between the two, revealing their familial connection. Similarly to O’Mahoney, Levy uses diegetic music of the family singing to further highlight their relationship, emphasizing how Leila’s discovery has enriched her understanding of Yacine’s familial identity. Later in the film, chiaroscuro is used, representing Bilal’s anger when he yells “you’re not one of us!” portraying his rejection of Yacine, emphasizing how the discovery of Yacine’s lack of biological connection has transformed his beliefs of Yacine’s familial identity. When Joseph discovers that he is an Arab, a high-angle shot is used of him, highlighting his anguish as he exclaims “I’ll have to swap my kippa for a suicide bomb!” conveying how his cultural identity has been deeply challenged and transformed by the sudden discovery, similar to Adam’s “reality check” in Go Back. Soon after, Levy includes a scene of him dancing, intertwined with non-diegetic music lacks synchronization his dancing. This juxtaposition of visual and auditory features of the film represents his inner conflict, revealing how the discovery of his ethnicity has transformed his cultural and personal identity. The power of discovery is represented in The Other Son through Levy’s exploration of its effects on the identity of the characters of the film.
While discoveries can be multifaceted and affect individuals in various ways, it is made clear through Go Back and The Other Son that discovery has an innate transformative power. Both composers represent this idea through portraying the impacts of discovery on the individuals of their respective texts.
Essay with Comments
Spoiler
Discovery has the power to transform individual lives.
How is this idea represented in your prescribed text and at least ONE other text of your choosing?
Discovery is complex in nature, allowing it to be experienced differently by various individuals; moreover, all discoveries have the power to transform the lives of the discoverer. Perfect This perspective on discovery is represented in both Ivan O’Mahoney’s 2011 documentary TV series Go Back to Where You Came From which examines responses towards discoveries regarding asylum seekers, and Lorrain Levy’s 2012 film The Other Son which focuses on a singular significant discovery that two children were mistakenly swapped at birth. O’Mahoney portrays how discoveries can transform the lives of individuals through enriching their understandings of others, and challenging their former beliefs, while Levy also reflects this through conveying the transformative impacts of discovery on one’s sense of identity.
Absolutely perfect. You have a great balance of analysis, context and authority. I can already tell that this is a band 6 response
Powerful discoveries transform the lives of individuals through enhancing their understandings of others; a concept illustrated through O’Mahoney’s portrayal of Gleny in Go Back. O’Mahoney uses an edited introductory interview to establish Gleny’s original understandings of asylum seekers; the interweaving of a midshot and the emotive language of “detention centres are inhumane,” highlight Gleny’s strong stance against the detainment of asylum seekers, revealing her sympathetic attitude towards them. Can you go into any more depth about the visual techniques you've outlined about? What do they evoke in the audience? Through the inclusion of musical instruments within the mise-en-scene, O’Mahoney establishes music as a recurring motif symbolic of Gleny’s support for asylum seekers and compassionate attitude. Again, you've basically said that technique A tells us fact B. But what does this tell us about discovery? This motif recurs in the second episode, when Gleny sings with the Chin children; a rotating camera reveals the joyous facial expressions of the children, highlighting how the discoveries Gleny has made of the circumstances of the Chin children have allowed her to form personal relationships with them. This, in conjunction with the recurrence of the motif, communicates how Gleny’s discoveries have enriched her understanding of asylum seekers. In the third episode, a long shot captures Gleny imitating the dancing of an Iraqi child, symbolizing how her discovery of his underprivileged lifestyle has prompted her to form an emotional connection with him. The recurrence of the motif of diegetic music, which plays in the hospital, communicates that this discovery-driven connection has refined Gleny’s understandings of asylum seekers. This idea is also conveyed when Gleny reflects on her teaching of the Chin children. Non-diegetic music is used to emphasize her stating “it seems the more [they] have… the less they seem to realise how lucky they are”, revealing how the discovery of the Chin children’s attitudes has inspired Gleny to re-evaluate the attitudes of her Australian students, highlighting her transformed perception of other individuals. In Go Back, O’Mahoney communicates how discovery can be transformative through enriching an individual’s understanding of others.
I like that you follow the transformative journey of one character, but I'm worried that you spend too much time just recounting what happens in each episode, and not enough time answering the question. What does this filmography tell you about Discovery? What is the director trying to show, and what does the character portray? Is it a good overall example of discovery, or only a very specific one with no wider implications? What themes are elicited. I know you don't want to make the essay longer; just cut down on the 'explanatory' sections, and increase your analysis of techniques in terms of the broader themes.
Discoveries can transform people through challenging their previous beliefs and assumptions; this is represented in Go Back through O’Mahoney’s exploration of how the discoveries made by the participant Adam challenge his perspective on asylum seekers. Repetition of “reality check” when reflecting on his visit to the Villawood detention centre is interweaved with the zooming of the camera into a close-up highlighting his shocked facial expression, revealing how the discovery of the poor living conditions within the detention centre conflicts with his initial assumption that asylum seekers lived with “millions of dollars”, challenging his beliefs. In the second episode, repetition of “for free?” creates a shocked inquisitive tone, highlighting his disbelief that the Chin workers are unpaid. You're doing a great job of identifying techniques, but a less good job of telling me why I should CARE about the specific scenes you've chosen. I know that you know the answer to this; but make it clear to the marker! A high-angled shot of Adam working on the soil conveys his fatigue and lack of motivation, which is juxtaposed to a long shot of him working harder after making this challenging discovery, revealing how it has deeply transformed him. When reflecting on the immigration raid, a close-up is used in conjunction with emotional non-diegetic music when he states in an indirect interview, “I’d get on a boat,” to emphasize his support for asylum seekers; this is extended through the alternating close-ups with Darren, contrasting his unchallenged beliefs with Adam’s. When this is contrasted with Adam’s strong opposition to them in the opening of the series, established through the emotive language of “criminals” in his pre-packaged introductory interview, as well as O’Mahoney’s dramatization through included footage of the Race Riots, it is revealed that the discoveries made during the series have challenged his initial beliefs and transformed him. Through portraying how discoveries have the power to challenge an individual’s ideas, O’Mahoney represents the transformative nature of discovery.
You're concluding sentence is great, but I need more of them throughout the paragraph.
Similarly, Levy’s film The Other Son explores how powerful discoveries can transform an individual through enriching and challenging their sense of identity. Would it not make more structural sense to go Set text, Related text, Set text? That way, you can compare the related to the first para of the set text, then the second para of set text to the related? Just an idea! Following Leila’s discovery that Yacine is not her biological son, Levy uses a panning camera between the two, revealing their familial connection. Similarly to O’Mahoney, Great Levy uses diegetic music of the family singing to further highlight their relationship, emphasizing how Leila’s discovery has enriched her understanding of Yacine’s familial identity. Later in the film, chiaroscuro is used, representing Bilal’s anger when he yells “you’re not one of us!” portraying his rejection of Yacine, emphasizing how the discovery of Yacine’s lack of biological connection has transformed his beliefs of Yacine’s familial identity. So? What does this actually say about discovery/humanity? What are we willing to accept? Are some discoveries, in fact, negative? When Joseph discovers that he is an Arab, a high-angle shot is used of him, highlighting his anguish as he exclaims “I’ll have to swap my kippa for a suicide bomb!” conveying how his cultural identity has been deeply challenged and transformed by the sudden discovery, similar to Adam’s “reality check” in Go Back. Soon after, Levy includes a scene of him dancing, intertwined with non-diegetic music lacks synchronization his dancing. This juxtaposition of visual and auditory features of the film represents his inner conflict, revealing how the discovery of his ethnicity has transformed his cultural and personal identity. The power of discovery is represented in The Other Son through Levy’s exploration of its effects on the identity of the characters of the film.
While discoveries can be multifaceted and affect individuals in various ways, it is made clear through Go Back and The Other Son that discovery has an innate transformative power. Both composers represent this idea through portraying the impacts of discovery on the individuals of their respective texts.
Your conclusion is powerful. Your conclusion explains your essay in a way I hadn't really thought about before. Your language in your conclusion is perfect. Try to bring this to the rest of the essay; keep the larger picture in mind. Your analysis of techniques is really fantastic, and there's no more 'work' you need to put into this. Just think about the structure; cut down on long explanatory sections, and add more thematic discussion. What does your selection of techniques say about the nature of discovery? This essay has the potential to be absolutely kick-ass; don't forget the essay's PURPOSE when you're just citing off quotes and techniques. Good luck!
How is this idea represented in your prescribed text and at least ONE other text of your choosing?
Discovery is complex in nature, allowing it to be experienced differently by various individuals; moreover, all discoveries have the power to transform the lives of the discoverer. Perfect This perspective on discovery is represented in both Ivan O’Mahoney’s 2011 documentary TV series Go Back to Where You Came From which examines responses towards discoveries regarding asylum seekers, and Lorrain Levy’s 2012 film The Other Son which focuses on a singular significant discovery that two children were mistakenly swapped at birth. O’Mahoney portrays how discoveries can transform the lives of individuals through enriching their understandings of others, and challenging their former beliefs, while Levy also reflects this through conveying the transformative impacts of discovery on one’s sense of identity.
Absolutely perfect. You have a great balance of analysis, context and authority. I can already tell that this is a band 6 response
Powerful discoveries transform the lives of individuals through enhancing their understandings of others; a concept illustrated through O’Mahoney’s portrayal of Gleny in Go Back. O’Mahoney uses an edited introductory interview to establish Gleny’s original understandings of asylum seekers; the interweaving of a midshot and the emotive language of “detention centres are inhumane,” highlight Gleny’s strong stance against the detainment of asylum seekers, revealing her sympathetic attitude towards them. Can you go into any more depth about the visual techniques you've outlined about? What do they evoke in the audience? Through the inclusion of musical instruments within the mise-en-scene, O’Mahoney establishes music as a recurring motif symbolic of Gleny’s support for asylum seekers and compassionate attitude. Again, you've basically said that technique A tells us fact B. But what does this tell us about discovery? This motif recurs in the second episode, when Gleny sings with the Chin children; a rotating camera reveals the joyous facial expressions of the children, highlighting how the discoveries Gleny has made of the circumstances of the Chin children have allowed her to form personal relationships with them. This, in conjunction with the recurrence of the motif, communicates how Gleny’s discoveries have enriched her understanding of asylum seekers. In the third episode, a long shot captures Gleny imitating the dancing of an Iraqi child, symbolizing how her discovery of his underprivileged lifestyle has prompted her to form an emotional connection with him. The recurrence of the motif of diegetic music, which plays in the hospital, communicates that this discovery-driven connection has refined Gleny’s understandings of asylum seekers. This idea is also conveyed when Gleny reflects on her teaching of the Chin children. Non-diegetic music is used to emphasize her stating “it seems the more [they] have… the less they seem to realise how lucky they are”, revealing how the discovery of the Chin children’s attitudes has inspired Gleny to re-evaluate the attitudes of her Australian students, highlighting her transformed perception of other individuals. In Go Back, O’Mahoney communicates how discovery can be transformative through enriching an individual’s understanding of others.
I like that you follow the transformative journey of one character, but I'm worried that you spend too much time just recounting what happens in each episode, and not enough time answering the question. What does this filmography tell you about Discovery? What is the director trying to show, and what does the character portray? Is it a good overall example of discovery, or only a very specific one with no wider implications? What themes are elicited. I know you don't want to make the essay longer; just cut down on the 'explanatory' sections, and increase your analysis of techniques in terms of the broader themes.
Discoveries can transform people through challenging their previous beliefs and assumptions; this is represented in Go Back through O’Mahoney’s exploration of how the discoveries made by the participant Adam challenge his perspective on asylum seekers. Repetition of “reality check” when reflecting on his visit to the Villawood detention centre is interweaved with the zooming of the camera into a close-up highlighting his shocked facial expression, revealing how the discovery of the poor living conditions within the detention centre conflicts with his initial assumption that asylum seekers lived with “millions of dollars”, challenging his beliefs. In the second episode, repetition of “for free?” creates a shocked inquisitive tone, highlighting his disbelief that the Chin workers are unpaid. You're doing a great job of identifying techniques, but a less good job of telling me why I should CARE about the specific scenes you've chosen. I know that you know the answer to this; but make it clear to the marker! A high-angled shot of Adam working on the soil conveys his fatigue and lack of motivation, which is juxtaposed to a long shot of him working harder after making this challenging discovery, revealing how it has deeply transformed him. When reflecting on the immigration raid, a close-up is used in conjunction with emotional non-diegetic music when he states in an indirect interview, “I’d get on a boat,” to emphasize his support for asylum seekers; this is extended through the alternating close-ups with Darren, contrasting his unchallenged beliefs with Adam’s. When this is contrasted with Adam’s strong opposition to them in the opening of the series, established through the emotive language of “criminals” in his pre-packaged introductory interview, as well as O’Mahoney’s dramatization through included footage of the Race Riots, it is revealed that the discoveries made during the series have challenged his initial beliefs and transformed him. Through portraying how discoveries have the power to challenge an individual’s ideas, O’Mahoney represents the transformative nature of discovery.
You're concluding sentence is great, but I need more of them throughout the paragraph.
Similarly, Levy’s film The Other Son explores how powerful discoveries can transform an individual through enriching and challenging their sense of identity. Would it not make more structural sense to go Set text, Related text, Set text? That way, you can compare the related to the first para of the set text, then the second para of set text to the related? Just an idea! Following Leila’s discovery that Yacine is not her biological son, Levy uses a panning camera between the two, revealing their familial connection. Similarly to O’Mahoney, Great Levy uses diegetic music of the family singing to further highlight their relationship, emphasizing how Leila’s discovery has enriched her understanding of Yacine’s familial identity. Later in the film, chiaroscuro is used, representing Bilal’s anger when he yells “you’re not one of us!” portraying his rejection of Yacine, emphasizing how the discovery of Yacine’s lack of biological connection has transformed his beliefs of Yacine’s familial identity. So? What does this actually say about discovery/humanity? What are we willing to accept? Are some discoveries, in fact, negative? When Joseph discovers that he is an Arab, a high-angle shot is used of him, highlighting his anguish as he exclaims “I’ll have to swap my kippa for a suicide bomb!” conveying how his cultural identity has been deeply challenged and transformed by the sudden discovery, similar to Adam’s “reality check” in Go Back. Soon after, Levy includes a scene of him dancing, intertwined with non-diegetic music lacks synchronization his dancing. This juxtaposition of visual and auditory features of the film represents his inner conflict, revealing how the discovery of his ethnicity has transformed his cultural and personal identity. The power of discovery is represented in The Other Son through Levy’s exploration of its effects on the identity of the characters of the film.
While discoveries can be multifaceted and affect individuals in various ways, it is made clear through Go Back and The Other Son that discovery has an innate transformative power. Both composers represent this idea through portraying the impacts of discovery on the individuals of their respective texts.
Your conclusion is powerful. Your conclusion explains your essay in a way I hadn't really thought about before. Your language in your conclusion is perfect. Try to bring this to the rest of the essay; keep the larger picture in mind. Your analysis of techniques is really fantastic, and there's no more 'work' you need to put into this. Just think about the structure; cut down on long explanatory sections, and add more thematic discussion. What does your selection of techniques say about the nature of discovery? This essay has the potential to be absolutely kick-ass; don't forget the essay's PURPOSE when you're just citing off quotes and techniques. Good luck!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 10:49:02 pm
Note: We will be very harsh on our posting rules over the coming days. Posting in old threads, multi-posting, shit-posting and spamming (etc) to access essay marking won't work. Immediate 48 hour posting bans will be applied in all circumstances :)
Post by: massive on October 09, 2016, 09:52:39 pm
Oh and also, what arguments do you talk about after you've decided on a thesis? (for each paragraph)
Post by: bethjomay on October 10, 2016, 12:48:37 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2016, 05:05:48 pm
Would I be able to scan an essay I wrote by hand and get it marked that way?
Hey Beth! You certainly can do it that way! We'll just pop typed comments under headings for each paragraph, or something similar! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2016, 05:08:36 pm
Hey guys I have the tempest as my prescribed text, I was just wondering; how do you contextualise a scene before introducing your quotes so that your marker knows what you're on about?
Oh and also, what arguments do you talk about after you've decided on a thesis? (for each paragraph)
Hey massive! So I'm of the opinion that you don't need to contextualise much at all, purely enough so that the marker knows what sort of thing you are referencing. It doesn't need to be explained fully in the context of the text.
EG - The composer utilises close ups in the closing scene to accentuate empathy for the protagonist and thus communicate _______.
All I've done there is say the "closing scene," I've not talked about what is happening or why, because that is irrelevant :)
Your paragraph arguments should be mini-sections of your Thesis! So for example, if your Thesis is something on the power of relationships, your first paragraph could be positives, your second negatives, your third a mixture of both/confusion? Any way you choose to break them up, provided it is logical :)
Post by: pahad2000 on October 10, 2016, 07:37:07 pm
Question: “Deliberate planning is essential for a discovery.” Is this your view? Write a persuasive response referring to representations of physical journeys in your texts.In your response, refer to your prescribed text and TWO other related texts of your own choosing.
Thesis Statement: The process of deliberate planning which confines and restricts our expectations of experiences and their outcomes is essential for a discovery. Through such a process of cogitation, human values are compared with the greater world and its differences thereby allowing for reconciliation via discovery.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2016, 09:43:46 pm
Hi, I just wanted feedback for a thesis statement I wrote.
Question: “Deliberate planning is essential for a discovery.” Is this your view? Write a persuasive response referring to representations of physical journeys in your texts.In your response, refer to your prescribed text and TWO other related texts of your own choosing.
Thesis Statement: The process of deliberate planning which confines and restricts our expectations of experiences and their outcomes is essential for a discovery. Through such a process of cogitation, human values are compared with the greater world and its differences thereby allowing for reconciliation via discovery.
Welcome to the forums pahad2000! I think that statement works really well, though I think you could have a little more clarity, particularly in what you mean by 'reconciliation via discovery.' Overall, a really cool conceptual statement :)
Post by: marynguyen18 on October 10, 2016, 10:09:35 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2016, 10:10:50 pm
can i just say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who gives us feedback on our essays, I've gotten more feedback from my teacher in the past two weeks leading up to the HSC than i have from my teacher who still hasn't answered my email so thank you immensely.
Absolutely very welcome! Happy to help :)
Post by: bethjomay on October 11, 2016, 01:15:22 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 11, 2016, 01:29:49 pm
I've scanned my essay but the file size is too large for me to upload. :'( Is there some other way I could get it to you?
Do you have a Dropbox or Google Drive? You can link me to the file and I'll upload the feedback here!
Post by: bethjomay on October 11, 2016, 02:03:32 pm
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BzRjW7wFcvb4RjB5c3BLWmMtT2s/view?usp=sharing
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 12, 2016, 01:31:43 am
Thank you so much! I put it on google drive, hopefully this link works! There first page is there twice so just ignore that. :P The question was: "Discovery is a process of questions and potential answers. To what extent has this process been represented in your prescribed text and texts of your own choosing?" It was written under timed conditions (40 minutes).
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BzRjW7wFcvb4RjB5c3BLWmMtT2s/view?usp=sharing
Hey Beth! The link works, and I'll pop comments on each paragraph here as I go! :)
Note: Resolution issues mean I'm having the slightest trouble reading your handwriting. Won't impact your HSC marking but it could mean I miss the odd point, keep that in mind if something I say seems off :)
Introduction
I think your conceptual set up here works well! Concepts are well explained, but I'd question whether you are adequately addressing the question concepts; "questions and potential answers." Not getting too much explanation of that. I'd also like to see you properly link each text to a Discovery concept, just using one phrase should do it. That's just to set up WHY these texts are being discussed in a Discovery essay. Finally, I'd add a sentence at the end that brings together everything. Like, "Thus, we can see how composers represent Discovery, blah blah blah."
Paragraph #1
Awesome topic sentence; conceptual and to the point, absolutely fabulous. Analysis of Shakespeare is somewhat effective, excellent integration of your quotes into your writing, but I'd like to see one more technique given that it is your prescribed text. On the whole, watch that you aren't saying, "This technique shows us ________ about the characters." You need to say what the techniques show about Discovery. Even, say, when you are discussing the discoveries of Felik, you need to abstract them beyond the characters. The readers don't care about the characters, they care about Discovery in their own lives; how do the techniques speak to this? So, while we have effective analysis, we need stronger conceptual links.
Paragraph #2
Again, nice conceptual start and good link to Shakespeare's text. Similar comments to above; be sure every quote/technique is linked to the aspect of Discovery you are talking about. Analysis here is better; more techniques, excellent work there. Be sure every paragraph is properly concluded! :)
Paragraph #3
Dependent on resolution errors, I think there is a really long sentence in the middle of this paragraph to break up. Just that out of the way. Moving on; another good paragraph with solid techniques! Again though, lots of discussion about what we learn about characters. Remember, make it abstract, what does audience learn about Discovery in general?
I think this is a really cool essay Beth, especially for timed conditions, really really impressive. With only one day to go I want to give you two pieces of feedback to really focus on to improve:
1. Ensure that you answer the question. The demands of the question (concerning potential answers and such) were not adequately addressed in your response. That puts limitations on how well you can do, so make sure you really explicitly answer the question. Better overkill than under-kill! :)
2. Ensure you Conclude your Essay. This ensures that everything is wrapped up nicely; even just a handful of sentences is enough and it will massively improve your mark to add it!
Best of luck for Paper 1, and I really hope this helps! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 12, 2016, 01:40:58 am
Post by: bethjomay on October 12, 2016, 10:43:02 am
Hey Beth! The link works, and I'll pop comments on each paragraph here as I go! :)
Note: Resolution issues mean I'm having the slightest trouble reading your handwriting. Won't impact your HSC marking but it could mean I miss the odd point, keep that in mind if something I say seems off :)
Introduction
I think your conceptual set up here works well! Concepts are well explained, but I'd question whether you are adequately addressing the question concepts; "questions and potential answers." Not getting too much explanation of that. I'd also like to see you properly link each text to a Discovery concept, just using one phrase should do it. That's just to set up WHY these texts are being discussed in a Discovery essay. Finally, I'd add a sentence at the end that brings together everything. Like, "Thus, we can see how composers represent Discovery, blah blah blah."
Paragraph #1
Awesome topic sentence; conceptual and to the point, absolutely fabulous. Analysis of Shakespeare is somewhat effective, excellent integration of your quotes into your writing, but I'd like to see one more technique given that it is your prescribed text. On the whole, watch that you aren't saying, "This technique shows us ________ about the characters." You need to say what the techniques show about Discovery. Even, say, when you are discussing the discoveries of Felik, you need to abstract them beyond the characters. The readers don't care about the characters, they care about Discovery in their own lives; how do the techniques speak to this? So, while we have effective analysis, we need stronger conceptual links.
Paragraph #2
Again, nice conceptual start and good link to Shakespeare's text. Similar comments to above; be sure every quote/technique is linked to the aspect of Discovery you are talking about. Analysis here is better; more techniques, excellent work there. Be sure every paragraph is properly concluded! :)
Paragraph #3
Dependent on resolution errors, I think there is a really long sentence in the middle of this paragraph to break up. Just that out of the way. Moving on; another good paragraph with solid techniques! Again though, lots of discussion about what we learn about characters. Remember, make it abstract, what does audience learn about Discovery in general?
I think this is a really cool essay Beth, especially for timed conditions, really really impressive. With only one day to go I want to give you two pieces of feedback to really focus on to improve:
1. Ensure that you answer the question. The demands of the question (concerning potential answers and such) were not adequately addressed in your response. That puts limitations on how well you can do, so make sure you really explicitly answer the question. Better overkill than under-kill! :)
2. Ensure you Conclude your Essay. This ensures that everything is wrapped up nicely; even just a handful of sentences is enough and it will massively improve your mark to add it!
Best of luck for Paper 1, and I really hope this helps! :)
Thank you so much! For making the discovery concepts more abstract, would it be adequate to add something like "...thus we can see that discoveries blah blah..." to the end of a sentence analysing the technique?
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 12, 2016, 11:18:43 am
Thank you so much! For making the discovery concepts more abstract, would it be adequate to add something like "...thus we can see that discoveries blah blah..." to the end of a sentence analysing the technique?
Definitely! Except I'd stay out of the collective first person narration :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 12, 2016, 11:31:26 am
Definitely! Except I'd stay out of the collective first person narration :)
Oh really? Allen (English teacher, Elyse knows) loved this about my writing, when used to reference "we" as the modern collective audience ;D
Post by: BPunjabi on October 15, 2016, 12:06:53 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 15, 2016, 12:24:53 am
Can I still submit my AOS for marking on here?
Sure, why not! Any reason why though? ;D
Post by: BPunjabi on October 15, 2016, 05:54:03 pm
Post by: jakesilove on October 15, 2016, 06:00:47 pm
Just to use up my posts lol... Can I donate them to someone? Any year 12 want mine?
We're not marking essays that don't need marking. No other Year 12 needs their essays marked either.
Post by: BPunjabi on October 16, 2016, 07:43:34 pm
We're not marking essays that don't need marking. No other Year 12 needs their essays marked either.
I meant year 11, sorry
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 16, 2016, 11:12:11 pm
I meant year 11, sorry
Not transferrable anyway, unfortunately :) this service is our way of saying thanks for the people who are making our community great by getting involved (as you have done), so it's not something you can 'transfer' to someone else :)
Post by: BPunjabi on October 17, 2016, 11:52:47 am
Not transferrable anyway, unfortunately :) this service is our way of saying thanks for the people who are making our community great by getting involved (as you have done), so it's not something you can 'transfer' to someone else :)
Well I tried.
Thank you guys so much for all your help and making English bearable. You guys have taught me so much and its a privilege for the service you have done for us (not sure if I said that correctly :D). Thanks once again Jamon, Elyse, Jake and Brendon!
Post by: jakesilove on October 17, 2016, 12:44:06 pm
Well I tried.
Thank you guys so much for all your help and making English bearable. You guys have taught me so much and its a privilege for the service you have done for us (not sure if I said that correctly :D). Thanks once again Jamon, Elyse, Jake and Brendon!
No problem at all matey, we live to help students, and we hope you got a lot out of your use of the forums! Keep at it, keep asking and answering questions, and we'll catch you around the forums :)
Post by: asd987 on November 13, 2016, 11:33:40 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 13, 2016, 11:44:07 pm
Can I end my story with dialogue? Or is it something that's frowned upon
You absolutely can! If you think your Creative would work well finished with a powerful piece of dialogue then go for it ;D
Post by: teapancakes08 on November 13, 2016, 11:50:12 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 13, 2016, 11:55:01 pm
Quick question, with the essay marking, can speeches be checked as well? Sorry if it's a bit of an obvious question...
Never be sorry for asking a question ;) Definitely! It might be a little less, because a big part of your speech is how it's delivered, but we'll do our best! ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on November 14, 2016, 06:30:38 pm
Post by: SSSS on November 16, 2016, 06:04:39 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 16, 2016, 08:46:27 pm
Hey Guys! I don't understand when a question asks what perspective of discovery is shown, because I wrote emotional but she said I didn't answer the question. Thanks!
Hey SSSS! On the very surface of it, it sounds like you are on the right track!
My interpretation of a perspective of Discovery is an opinion/view of the composer on the importance, nature or consequences of Discovery. Like a viewpoint! Emotional certainly works, but you would need to do a little more than that, give some perspective on emotional discoveries. Some opinion of them :)
Without seeing your response, it's hard to say exactly what the issue was. It could have just been some expression issues that prevented you from properly linking your ideas to the question, or maybe the Thesis didn't quite set it up properly? Because you are in the right area, provided you do the right things :)
Post by: SSSS on November 16, 2016, 09:23:25 pm
Thanks so much for your post! The thing is that at the moment, the question "what perspective of discovery is shown" is a two marker in our assignment based on our related. As I am doing Ulysses, I just mentioned that the personas' emotional perspective on discovery is conveyed but with your feedback I think I would delve more into how his ambitions to explore new worlds is the emotional perspective of discovery shown.
:D
Post by: elysepopplewell on November 17, 2016, 12:12:31 am
Thanks so much for your post! The thing is that at the moment, the question "what perspective of discovery is shown" is a two marker in our assignment based on our related. As I am doing Ulysses, I just mentioned that the personas' emotional perspective on discovery is conveyed but with your feedback I think I would delve more into how his ambitions to explore new worlds is the emotional perspective of discovery shown.
:D
For what it's worth, the question is quite ambiguous! They wouldn't be likely to put something like that in the HSC, I think :)
Post by: Adriaclya on November 21, 2016, 04:28:07 pm
thanks :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 21, 2016, 05:33:41 pm
Hey guys! Just curious, does AOS essay marking require any credit/posts right now?
thanks :)
Hey Adriaclya! Yes it does, we were being a bit lenient for a little bit there, but we're back into regular 15 posts per essay mode now :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on November 21, 2016, 05:58:20 pm
Hey guys! Just curious, does AOS essay marking require any credit/posts right now?
thanks :)
Jamon went along to all the threads this morning but must have missed this one, oops! As assessments are due in the next few weeks, things are picking up. Now we are back to 15 posts = one long piece marked. :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 21, 2016, 10:37:22 pm
Jamon went along to all the threads this morning but must have missed this one, oops! As assessments are due in the next few weeks, things are picking up. Now we are back to 15 posts = one long piece marked. :)
Nah I just updated the Essay Marking Rule Thread, since there was never an official change ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on November 22, 2016, 10:28:36 am
Nah I just updated the Essay Marking Rule Thread, since there was never an official change ;D
Oh! Wonderful. I saw you had consecutive posts in a few threads of marking at one point so that's what I thought you did :)
Post by: Nialllovespie on November 28, 2016, 06:42:08 am
Sorry I accidentally posted my AOS essay in the creative writing section...Woops
Is there any chance you could please mark my essay? :D THANKYOU in advanced!!
An individual's discoveries can challenge pre-conceived perspectives leading to a transformation of their perceptions of themselves and society. This transformation is normally often attained after they surpass the ramifications of obstacles that fundamentally shape their perceptions. This transformation is evident in Che Guevara’s bildungsroman memoir “The Motorcycle Diaries” and Alfred Tennyson's poem “Ulysses” as they uncover transformative discoveries whilst travelling.
The transformation of an individual's new understandings is facilitated by the confronting and provocative experiences encountered by an individual through the discoveries made whilst travelling, as uncovered in Che’s memoir. The use of first person narration and reflective voice in “all this wandering around ‘our America with a capital A’ has changed me more than I thought”. epitomises a process of reflection revealing that Guevara is aware of his own transformation resulting in renewed perceptions of himself and society. Furthermore,Guevara’s cognizance of his change allows him to accept the emotional and spiritual transformation he has undergone as a result of these confronting and provocative experiences which occurred on his travels and is further demonstrated through first person in “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again...I am not the person I once was”. The diction in, “I realised I felt nothing”, stimulates the idea of discovery resulting in an individual's renewed perceptions as Che realises his emotional transformation. The description of “delightful Chilean countryside, divided into plots, every bit farmed, in stark contrast to our own arid south” implements visual imagery to allow Che to portray his exploration and comprehension of the world around him assisting his process of discovery. Guevara’s use of dialogue, “I can't answer you, doctors, but thank you for asking” solidifies Che's self discovery he attains after assisting others along his journey. This embodies the overall change that is explored throughout the Bildungsroman memoir and his lifetime, as he undergoes the transformation from an individual who lacks impact on others people, to a heartwarming figure who aids many.
Likewise, Tennyson’s “Ulysses”, written as a dramatic monologue, emphasises the stimulation of new ideas as individuals encounter provocative experiences that facilitate the process of discovery. Comparably to Che, Ulysses’s cognizes his transformation through the use of first person narration and tense contrast in “I am part of all that I have met” is a result of his travels stimulating his new understandings. Furthermore, Che's transformation is also reflected through Ulysses's desire for adventure which is emphasised through the metaphorical personification in “roaming with a hungry heart” characterising him as a pioneer for the intellectual adventure he yearns for. Discovery is depicted in the simile “to follow knowledge like a sinking star” demonstrating the stimulation of new ideas is derived from travelling. Furthermore the use of “sinking star” symbolises Ulysses as a dying hero now he has concluded his travels. The feminine personification of “the vessel puffs her sail” emphasises Ulysses love for adventure and embodies the notion that the effect of discoveries is dependent on the individual's attitude which determines the discovery.
The stimulation of new ideas is a result of physical discovery evoked by an individual's curiosity leading us to new worlds and values. The use of diary entries throughout the memoir provide a sequential record of experience enabling the reader to uncover Che's physical and emotional discoveries. The juxtaposition in, “silhouetted against the sea, smothering the waves with silver reflections” exposes the prominent optimism of Che's approach in their physical discoveries through visual imagery and sibilance. The positive attitude notion derived from their physical discoveries allow for the stimulation of new ideas and new values further conveyed in the visual imagery “yellow-green slopes that melt into blue depths”. Guevara's discovery of the sea expressed through the use of personification in “the sea has always been a confidant” exemplifies the idea that his experiences are provocative to his changed perspectives transformed throughout his journey. The narrative linear structure, “man who had narrated his adventures”, of the text exemplifies the growth of Che Guevara conceived from his confronting and provocative experiences on his journey throughout South America. In addition, this notion is substantiated through the surroundings and emotions conveyed through the chapter/vignette titles, “San Martin de lots Andes” and “Shattered Hopes”. Such vignettes depict his undertaking of reconciliation exemplified by the desertion of their motorcycle in Santiago which signified a “new phase in [their] adventure” - is begun, to traverse Latin America as “hitchhikers”.
Ultimately, an individual's perceptions of themselves are transformed following their provocative experiences and stimulation of new ideas as evidential throughout Che’s and Ulysses discoveries. This consequence of travelling is undergone after individuals surpass the ramifications that fundamentally shape their preconceived that allowing them to cognise their transformation. Both Che Guevara and Alfred Tennyson present the importance of challenging preconceived perceptions allowing the transformation of the individuals perspectives on themselves.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 29, 2016, 12:09:35 am
Hiiiiii,
Sorry I accidentally posted my AOS essay in the creative writing section...Woops
Is there any chance you could please mark my essay? :D THANKYOU in advanced!!
Hey! No worries at all, happy to give you some feedback! ;D
Essay with Comments
An individual's discoveries can challenge pre-conceived perspectives leading to a transformation of their perceptions of themselves and society. Nice conceptual start here! I'd expect to see you qualify what you mean by "transformation of their perceptions" though, it can't stay that broad! This transformation is normally often attained after they surpass the ramifications of obstacles that fundamentally shape their perceptions. That sentence was a little wordy; "Often these transformations are only attained after significant obstacles are overcome." or something like that, keep it direct! This transformation is evident in Che Guevara’s bildungsroman memoir “The Motorcycle Diaries” and Alfred Tennyson's poem “Ulysses” as they uncover transformative discoveries whilst travelling. You need a more conclusive sentence here that really addresses the question and hammers your concept home.
The transformation of an individual's new understandings is facilitated by the confronting and provocative experiences encountered by an individual through the discoveries made whilst travelling, as uncovered in Che’s memoir. This sentence seems a little wordy, and doesn't really say much besides "Individuals transform when they travel," you need a little more depth! Is it the challenges that provoke the new understandings? Further, don't rely on plot specific elements such as travel, keep it abstract! The use of first person narration and reflective voice in “all this wandering around ‘our America with a capital A’ has changed me more than I thought”. epitomises a process of reflection revealing that Guevara is aware of his own transformation resulting in renewed perceptions of himself and society. What does this show the audience? Furthermore, Guevara’s cognizance of his change allows him to accept the emotional and spiritual transformation he has undergone as a result of these confronting and provocative experiences which occurred on his travels and is further demonstrated through first person in “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again...I am not the person I once was”. A little retell here; you aren't linking to Discovery, you are sort of just saying what happened. A little wordy as well. The diction in, “I realised I felt nothing”, stimulates the idea of discovery resulting in an individual's renewed perceptions as Che realises his emotional transformation. Better! Nice link to Discovery, I'd like some more emphasis on the technique though, it sort of gets lost there; why is the diction effective there? Like, how does the technique contribute to the concept? The description of “delightful Chilean countryside, divided into plots, every bit farmed, in stark contrast to our own arid south” implements visual imagery to allow Che to portray his exploration and comprehension of the world around him assisting his process of discovery. Excellent integration of your quote into your idea, nicely done. Guevara’s use of dialogue, “I can't answer you, doctors, but thank you for asking” solidifies Che's self discovery he attains after assisting others along his journey. This embodies the overall change that is explored throughout the Bildungsroman memoir and his lifetime, as he undergoes the transformation from an individual who lacks impact on others people, to a heartwarming figure who aids many. A solid paragraph! Definitely an excellent set of examples and techniques, but you need to do more with them, and part of that will be a slightly stronger and more interesting concept; what is here now is just a tad too generic :)
Likewise, Tennyson’s “Ulysses”, written as a dramatic monologue, emphasises the stimulation of new ideas as individuals encounter provocative experiences that facilitate the process of discovery. Comparably to Che, Ulysses’s cognizes his transformation through the use of first person narration and tense contrast in “I am part of all that I have met” is a result of his travels stimulating his new understandings. Nice intertextual link there, gives your essay a nice cohesion. Furthermore, Che's transformation is also reflected through Ulysses's desire for adventure which is emphasised through the metaphorical personification in “roaming with a hungry heart” characterising him as a pioneer for the intellectual adventure he yearns for. Link this to the audience! It's a great example, do more with it! Discovery is depicted in the simile “to follow knowledge like a sinking star” demonstrating the stimulation of new ideas is derived from travelling. Be careful of just saying "Discovery is depicted...", that is super generic. Furthermore the use of “sinking star” symbolises Ulysses as a dying hero now he has concluded his travels. Retell; how does this link to Discovery? The feminine personification of “the vessel puffs her sail” emphasises Ulysses love for adventure and embodies the notion that the effect of discoveries is dependent on the individual's attitude which determines the discovery. You need a more conclusive sentence to finish this paragraph - The first paragraph is much stronger in terms of links to Discovery, mainly due to length differences.
The stimulation of new ideas is a result of physical discovery evoked by an individual's curiosity leading us to new worlds and values. Nice conceptual start to the paragraph. The use of diary entries throughout the memoir provide a sequential record of experience enabling the reader to uncover Che's physical and emotional discoveries. Be sure to introduce which text you are going to start talking about specifically. The juxtaposition in, “silhouetted against the sea, smothering the waves with silver reflections” exposes the prominent optimism of Che's approach in their physical discoveries through visual imagery and sibilance. What does this show the audience? Also, that quote uses sibilance if you wanted another technique for it. The positive attitude notion derived from their physical discoveries allow for the stimulation of new ideas and new values further conveyed in the visual imagery “yellow-green slopes that melt into blue depths”. First part of that reads awkwardly - "positive attitude notion." Guevara's discovery of the sea expressed through the use of personification in “the sea has always been a confidant” exemplifies the idea that his experiences are provocative to his changed perspectives transformed throughout his journey. The narrative linear structure, “man who had narrated his adventures”, of the text exemplifies the growth of Che Guevara conceived from his confronting and provocative experiences on his journey throughout South America. Link to audience required. In addition, this notion is substantiated through the surroundings and emotions conveyed through the chapter/vignette titles, “San Martin de lots Andes” and “Shattered Hopes”. Such vignettes depict his undertaking of reconciliation exemplified by the desertion of their motorcycle in Santiago which signified a “new phase in [their] adventure” - is begun, to traverse Latin America as “hitchhikers”. Again, a proper conclusion is needed.
Ultimately, an individual's perceptions of themselves are transformed following their provocative experiences and stimulation of new ideas as evidential throughout Che’s and Ulysses discoveries. Try to keep the first sentence of the conclusion conceptual, bring in the texts in the second sentence. This consequence of travelling is undergone after individuals surpass the ramifications that fundamentally shape their preconceived that allowing them to cognise their transformation. Wordy, doesn't quite sit right. Both Che Guevara and Alfred Tennyson present the importance of challenging preconceived perceptions allowing the transformation of the individuals perspectives on themselves. This "challenging preconceived perceptions" idea would have worked well if emphasised before; it's there, but wording it in this way was really powerful!
The transformation of an individual's new understandings is facilitated by the confronting and provocative experiences encountered by an individual through the discoveries made whilst travelling, as uncovered in Che’s memoir. This sentence seems a little wordy, and doesn't really say much besides "Individuals transform when they travel," you need a little more depth! Is it the challenges that provoke the new understandings? Further, don't rely on plot specific elements such as travel, keep it abstract! The use of first person narration and reflective voice in “all this wandering around ‘our America with a capital A’ has changed me more than I thought”. epitomises a process of reflection revealing that Guevara is aware of his own transformation resulting in renewed perceptions of himself and society. What does this show the audience? Furthermore, Guevara’s cognizance of his change allows him to accept the emotional and spiritual transformation he has undergone as a result of these confronting and provocative experiences which occurred on his travels and is further demonstrated through first person in “the person who wrote these notes passed away the moment his feet touched Argentine soil again...I am not the person I once was”. A little retell here; you aren't linking to Discovery, you are sort of just saying what happened. A little wordy as well. The diction in, “I realised I felt nothing”, stimulates the idea of discovery resulting in an individual's renewed perceptions as Che realises his emotional transformation. Better! Nice link to Discovery, I'd like some more emphasis on the technique though, it sort of gets lost there; why is the diction effective there? Like, how does the technique contribute to the concept? The description of “delightful Chilean countryside, divided into plots, every bit farmed, in stark contrast to our own arid south” implements visual imagery to allow Che to portray his exploration and comprehension of the world around him assisting his process of discovery. Excellent integration of your quote into your idea, nicely done. Guevara’s use of dialogue, “I can't answer you, doctors, but thank you for asking” solidifies Che's self discovery he attains after assisting others along his journey. This embodies the overall change that is explored throughout the Bildungsroman memoir and his lifetime, as he undergoes the transformation from an individual who lacks impact on others people, to a heartwarming figure who aids many. A solid paragraph! Definitely an excellent set of examples and techniques, but you need to do more with them, and part of that will be a slightly stronger and more interesting concept; what is here now is just a tad too generic :)
Likewise, Tennyson’s “Ulysses”, written as a dramatic monologue, emphasises the stimulation of new ideas as individuals encounter provocative experiences that facilitate the process of discovery. Comparably to Che, Ulysses’s cognizes his transformation through the use of first person narration and tense contrast in “I am part of all that I have met” is a result of his travels stimulating his new understandings. Nice intertextual link there, gives your essay a nice cohesion. Furthermore, Che's transformation is also reflected through Ulysses's desire for adventure which is emphasised through the metaphorical personification in “roaming with a hungry heart” characterising him as a pioneer for the intellectual adventure he yearns for. Link this to the audience! It's a great example, do more with it! Discovery is depicted in the simile “to follow knowledge like a sinking star” demonstrating the stimulation of new ideas is derived from travelling. Be careful of just saying "Discovery is depicted...", that is super generic. Furthermore the use of “sinking star” symbolises Ulysses as a dying hero now he has concluded his travels. Retell; how does this link to Discovery? The feminine personification of “the vessel puffs her sail” emphasises Ulysses love for adventure and embodies the notion that the effect of discoveries is dependent on the individual's attitude which determines the discovery. You need a more conclusive sentence to finish this paragraph - The first paragraph is much stronger in terms of links to Discovery, mainly due to length differences.
The stimulation of new ideas is a result of physical discovery evoked by an individual's curiosity leading us to new worlds and values. Nice conceptual start to the paragraph. The use of diary entries throughout the memoir provide a sequential record of experience enabling the reader to uncover Che's physical and emotional discoveries. Be sure to introduce which text you are going to start talking about specifically. The juxtaposition in, “silhouetted against the sea, smothering the waves with silver reflections” exposes the prominent optimism of Che's approach in their physical discoveries through visual imagery and sibilance. What does this show the audience? Also, that quote uses sibilance if you wanted another technique for it. The positive attitude notion derived from their physical discoveries allow for the stimulation of new ideas and new values further conveyed in the visual imagery “yellow-green slopes that melt into blue depths”. First part of that reads awkwardly - "positive attitude notion." Guevara's discovery of the sea expressed through the use of personification in “the sea has always been a confidant” exemplifies the idea that his experiences are provocative to his changed perspectives transformed throughout his journey. The narrative linear structure, “man who had narrated his adventures”, of the text exemplifies the growth of Che Guevara conceived from his confronting and provocative experiences on his journey throughout South America. Link to audience required. In addition, this notion is substantiated through the surroundings and emotions conveyed through the chapter/vignette titles, “San Martin de lots Andes” and “Shattered Hopes”. Such vignettes depict his undertaking of reconciliation exemplified by the desertion of their motorcycle in Santiago which signified a “new phase in [their] adventure” - is begun, to traverse Latin America as “hitchhikers”. Again, a proper conclusion is needed.
Ultimately, an individual's perceptions of themselves are transformed following their provocative experiences and stimulation of new ideas as evidential throughout Che’s and Ulysses discoveries. Try to keep the first sentence of the conclusion conceptual, bring in the texts in the second sentence. This consequence of travelling is undergone after individuals surpass the ramifications that fundamentally shape their preconceived that allowing them to cognise their transformation. Wordy, doesn't quite sit right. Both Che Guevara and Alfred Tennyson present the importance of challenging preconceived perceptions allowing the transformation of the individuals perspectives on themselves. This "challenging preconceived perceptions" idea would have worked well if emphasised before; it's there, but wording it in this way was really powerful!
Thanks for posting your essay Nia! First a few positives:
- Fantastic choice of textual references. You've chosen some really powerful quotes loaded with techniques, you are showing off some excellent textual knowledge.
- Great writing style, I particularly love the way you integrate your quotes into your ideas. Very seamless, which is tough, nicely done!
- No quotes without techniques, so that part of your analysis is excellent. Some quotes had two (or more) techniques with only one identified, try to piggy back more often!
The main things I think you need to work on:
- Conceptual Strength: Your concepts feel a little generic, particularly in that first paragraph which read a bit like a generic Discovery paragraph. Like, your concept is that discoveries are spurred by confronting and provocative experiences, but your analysis is just generic Discovery stuff. Not much evidence for the fact that anything confronting took place for the protagonist. In general, try to maintain your concepts properly and to develop some things that have a bit more depth.
- Balance: Ulysses is seriously lacking in terms of analysis and conceptual links. Having a single paragraph, that paragraph needs to be fantastic, and right now it is your weakest. Lopsided essays don't score as highly :)
- Audience: Remember to always draw wider implications from your analysis. You always have a technique, but your explanations are a little too much "This is what it shows us about the text, linked to Discovery." Instead, I want "This is what the technique shows the AUDIENCE about Discovery." It's subtle, but that can make a huge difference in marks if done well[/b].
- Wordiness: Some locations where it was a little wordy, being more direct would be beneficial for you.
- Structure: Ensure all paragraphs have proper conclusions.
Don't let the list fool you; this is a great essay that definitely has the fundamentals down. Great evidence, excellent structure; it's now about doing something a little more conceptually rich with the information that you have ;D
Post by: kb123 on December 02, 2016, 04:07:12 pm
just a quick question- would it be better to mention the technique you are analysing after or before the quote?
Post by: elysepopplewell on December 02, 2016, 06:41:39 pm
Hi-
just a quick question- would it be better to mention the technique you are analysing after or before the quote?
Hey! This can work both ways, it's good to change it up!
Example:
The motif of water becomes a consistent symbol in the poem, first being described with a simile as "wavy as sound" in the first stanza.
Example:
"The water was as wavy as sound" opens the poem to establish the motif of the water.
So, it depends on the length of your quote sometimes so that you can still seamlessly add it in there. But changing it up is good! :)
Post by: kb123 on December 03, 2016, 09:17:08 am
Hey! This can work both ways, it's good to change it up!
Example:
The motif of water becomes a consistent symbol in the poem, first being described with a simile as "wavy as sound" in the first stanza.
Example:
"The water was as wavy as sound" opens the poem to establish the motif of the water.
So, it depends on the length of your quote sometimes so that you can still seamlessly add it in there. But changing it up is good! :)
ok :) my tutor just said that teachers like it better when the technique comes after the quote since that way it seems that you are actually analysing the effect of the technique rather than having just identified it beforehand.
Post by: elysepopplewell on December 03, 2016, 10:58:43 am
ok :) my tutor just said that teachers like it better when the technique comes after the quote since that way it seems that you are actually analysing the effect of the technique rather than having just identified it beforehand.
Although I can see that perspective, I probably have to disagree overall. Provided that you aren't name dropping techniques for the sake of it and are actually fleshing out their purpose, it's fine. Furthermore, if you're talking about a super important technique to the overall work, like a motif that everything stems from, then privileging it at the beginning of a sentence could make it easier for you to draw other connections to and from. I think variation is key :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on December 03, 2016, 11:18:40 am
ok :) my tutor just said that teachers like it better when the technique comes after the quote since that way it seems that you are actually analysing the effect of the technique rather than having just identified it beforehand.
I'll also add that using the technique first makes the quote easier to embed into your idea. See below:
In the quote, "obtain a niche in the temple," Shelley uses quasi-religious imagery to resonate with her predominately Christian audience.
Shelley's use of quasi religious imagery in expressing Walton's desire to "obtain a niche in the temple," resonates with her predominately Christian audience.
Further, on my preference, the second sounds better. Identifying the technique first makes you less likely to launch into retell as well. Given a choice, I'd do the technique first (I always did in my HSC) :)
Post by: J.B on December 04, 2016, 04:59:38 pm
I have a speech coming up where I have to analyse 300 words of my creative writing, the Tempest and a related text.
I have attached my speech (first 300 words are my creative) and I was just wondering if I could get some feedback on my creative writing, and my speech? I was also wondering if I have referred to the Rubric enough? I was also wondering how I could embed my quotes better? Also, if you have any ideas on where i can cut it back a bit?
Here is what i have to include in my speech:
Key Statement:
‘Discovery is an integral part of the human experience.’
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your creative writing, your
prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Prepare a 6 minute presentation on the concept of ‘discovery’ in which you address the key statement above.
Your presentation must include:
A 300 word extract of your imaginative composition.
-In the subsequent four minutes of your presentation you should reflect on and analyse your own composition. In this section you should:
explicitly explain how your creative writing integrates the stimulus material
clearly identify how the representation of ‘discovery’ in your composition has been shaped and influenced
by your prescribed text and at least one other related text of your own choosing.
analyse how you have used a range of literary devices in your own composition to represent the concept
of ‘discovery’ suggested in the key statement.
clearly outline your personal definition of ‘discovery’, explaining how you reached this definition as a
result of your studies.
Thank you.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on December 06, 2016, 05:11:21 pm
Hi,
I have a speech coming up where I have to analyse 300 words of my creative writing, the Tempest and a related text.
I have attached my speech (first 300 words are my creative) and I was just wondering if I could get some feedback on my creative writing, and my speech? I was also wondering if I have referred to the Rubric enough? I was also wondering how I could embed my quotes better? Also, if you have any ideas on where i can cut it back a bit?
We'll be getting this done for you tonight J.B, thanks for your patience! ;D
Post by: J.B on December 06, 2016, 07:30:51 pm
We'll be getting this done for you tonight J.B, thanks for your patience! ;D
Awesome thank you so so much!! I really appreciate it! If tonight is too hard tomorrow will be fine as well. :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on December 06, 2016, 10:38:23 pm
Hi,
I have a speech coming up where I have to analyse 300 words of my creative writing, the Tempest and a related text.
I have attached my speech (first 300 words are my creative) and I was just wondering if I could get some feedback on my creative writing, and my speech? I was also wondering if I have referred to the Rubric enough? I was also wondering how I could embed my quotes better? Also, if you have any ideas on where i can cut it back a bit?
Here is what i have to include in my speech:
Key Statement:
‘Discovery is an integral part of the human experience.’
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your creative writing, your
prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Prepare a 6 minute presentation on the concept of ‘discovery’ in which you address the key statement above.
Your presentation must include:
A 300 word extract of your imaginative composition.
-In the subsequent four minutes of your presentation you should reflect on and analyse your own composition. In this section you should:
explicitly explain how your creative writing integrates the stimulus material
clearly identify how the representation of ‘discovery’ in your composition has been shaped and influenced
by your prescribed text and at least one other related text of your own choosing.
analyse how you have used a range of literary devices in your own composition to represent the concept
of ‘discovery’ suggested in the key statement.
clearly outline your personal definition of ‘discovery’, explaining how you reached this definition as a
result of your studies.
Thank you.
Hey J.B!
I've put some comments in the spoiler below :)
Spoiler
The light;
Harsh,
Blazing,
Shards,
Swelled to every corner of my sight.
The pitch black void of darkness had escaped from the backs of my eyes. Fragments of shapes blurred out the world that once stood around me. My heart began to tie itself in a knot. Twisting my insides. And my mind. All of my thoughts were trapped, trapped by the glaring lights in my eyes.
What you are reading now is the voice in my mind. I love that you've engaged the reader like this! It really demands attention, very powerful :)Our minds distort our memories. Twists them into a knot. A knot that hangs over our head, until a sound, a smell pushes them into our mind. And we are reminded of a moment. A distorted view of one moment. Love this!
A knot of memories constantly collapses into my mind. It was a Saturday. My world became entombed inside my head. And ever since this day, when I hear a plane, my mind paints a vessel floating in the abyss of the sky. I stand on the street with the wind roaring in my ear. And I imagine myself standing on a grotesque roof being pounded by the wild wind. Looking over a mosaic of forest. My world is now what I imagine it to be.
I now walk through woods that used to fill my eyes with enchantment. A forgotten shadow comes to life. She sees the light. I like that the shadow is suddenly personified. Right from the moment you directly engaged the reader, you've been playing with our mind. This is another little example of that and it's super effective.Shining through the cracks and floating like specks of magic. But then the echoing sounds of deep chirps from the depths of the forest wraps around my ears. The humming of the woods picks at the twisted, turning knot inside of me. I smell the fresh, crisp air leaking out of the trees and my mind unravels the knots twisted on the towering tree trunks.
The play “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare and the interactive short film “After the Storm” by Andrew Grace have significantly shaped my understanding of discovery and this is embodied in my creative composition. The discovery of one’s surroundings is a catalyst which sparks the change in the understanding of ourselves and therefore deepens and creates a meaningful human experience. Imaginary discoveries and the discovery of the natural world are shown to generate the renewed awareness of oneself. Imaginary discoveries is super interesting, I haven't seen it covered yet at all in another student's work.
My creative composition has utilised this dreamlike stimulus through the transformation of her surroundings becoming an imaginary world led by her senses and is catalysed by the discovery of her setting. "Her" hasn't been identified as a protagonist yet. So I'd do that - just to maintain formality and use great terminology.
It is the discovery of the overruling force of nature which can alter an individual’s perceptions, leading to new understandings of one’s self. The Tempest demonstrates the sudden discovery of the natural world through the “Green place”. This highlights the new world which is depicted through pastoral idealisation and juxtaposes the old world. Shakespeare included this “green place” to highlight the experimentation of rulerships in the Age of Discovery. The natural world of the island evokes a fantasy world which sparks new understandings. Gonzalo sees the island’s beauty and this is a catalyst for the discovery of a utopian world in his mind. The “Green place” also creates the self-discovery in Alonso of his Kingship wrongdoings. Shakespeare has highlighted these evoked discoveries through Gonzalo’s metaphor for all humanity “all of us, ourselves when no man was his own.” This metaphor emphasises the need of the discovery of the “green world” to create deep transformations of ourselves and our human experience.
I think that we just need to make more of a connection between the two, which comes in your delivery. Saying something like "Similarly," forces your audience to make the connection based on similarities. When you delivery it, say it in a somewhat conversational way so that you maintain engagement, but also maintain your formality. The overruling force of nature is also highlighted in “after the storm” as the unexpected but meaningful discovery of the tornado leads to a confronting emotional journey similar to Alonso’s in The Tempest. Ok I see you've made the connection here - I would flip it and put the connective part at the start of the sentence :) The unexpected tornado is transformative for an individual’s emotional identity as it will always spark fear and grief. The effects of this discovery of nature is highlighted through the visual motif of trees. This is epitomised through the visual comparison of tree growth rings to the events in Andrew’s life. This reveals the epiphany stage of discovery where the new understanding of one’s strength and self is generated. The discovery of the natural world’s forces in this short film has clearly created an emotional transformation of the human experience in Andrew’s life.
My related texts have shaped my composition to illustrate the natural world as a catalyst for self discovery. This sentence doesn't really say anything too important - it simply agrees with the task you've been given and it doesn't show any real flair. Perhaps: "This exploration of discovery within a human experience inspired the way I illustrated the natural world in relation to discovery in my own composition." Obviously smooth it out to suit your voice and tone. Through her senses the woods trigger a rediscovery of wonder in the protagonist, which in turn catalyses a self discovery of her new imagined world. The pastoral imagery and the motif of a knot in my composition was influenced by both “The Tempest” and “After the Storm”. As seen through “The humming of the woods picks at the twisted, turning knot...” This quote clearly illustrates the knot motif symbolising the loss of her sight creating trauma. The unravelling of this knot evoked by nature illustrates the transformation of herself into acceptance and the deepening of her human experience.
Imagined landscapes forces the questioning of an individual’s concept of reality and generates a meaningful individual human experience. Consider how you will express this. It is a really stand-alone statement so you need to match that with emphasis in delivery, otherwise it may seem like a random statement that jars your flow. :)
In the Tempest there is a blurred reality. The imaginary discoveries are shown through the magic created by Prospero which represents the interest in the supernatural in the Elizabethan era. The inclusion of this imagined world as directed by Prospero evokes many emotional discoveries in the character’s psyches. Prospero’s imaginary world starts in media res in the illusion of a storm. This storm results in Ferdinand’s emotional discovery of Miranda. Prospero’s description of "The direful spectacle of the wreck" illustrates his reference to the spectacle as a theatrical display highlighting the metatheater used by Shakespeare. Prospero is a playwright in the masque for Miranda and Ferdinand which leads to their emotional awakening. This metatheater therefore emphasises how Prospero’s creation of the imaginary world, disrupts the physical world and stimulates emotional discoveries in the character psyches.
“After the Storm” similarly reveals the blurred concept of reality through Andrew’s imaginary concept of what once stood. This imaginary discovery leads to the rediscovery of his emotional trauma. Similar to the metatheater in the Tempest, Andrew’s use of authorial intrusion shown through “dear future disaster survivor” captures the audience to realise the imaginary discovery of past memories. Furthermore, the interactive use of the audience to recreate what once stood also breaks the “fourth wall” and highlights the confronting emotional discovery created from the imagined concept.
These two texts then influenced my composition, where I have broken the fourth wall through authorial intrusion to emphasise the imaginary discovery. Really excellent analysis here!My composition explores the imaginary perception of the world around her to create a renewed self-discovery. The authorial intrusion of “What you are reading now…” creates a link for the audience into her imagined world and how this sparks a new depth in her human experience. Her new imagined world is now influenced by her discovery of her senses, and creates a renewed intricate human experience.
As a result of the deep study of these two texts, my personal definition of discovery has been greatly shaped and is embodied in my creative writing. Discovery - Our personal human experience is revealed and exposed when the perspective of ourselves is transformed, by our enlightened surroundings.
Harsh,
Blazing,
Shards,
Swelled to every corner of my sight.
The pitch black void of darkness had escaped from the backs of my eyes. Fragments of shapes blurred out the world that once stood around me. My heart began to tie itself in a knot. Twisting my insides. And my mind. All of my thoughts were trapped, trapped by the glaring lights in my eyes.
What you are reading now is the voice in my mind. I love that you've engaged the reader like this! It really demands attention, very powerful :)Our minds distort our memories. Twists them into a knot. A knot that hangs over our head, until a sound, a smell pushes them into our mind. And we are reminded of a moment. A distorted view of one moment. Love this!
A knot of memories constantly collapses into my mind. It was a Saturday. My world became entombed inside my head. And ever since this day, when I hear a plane, my mind paints a vessel floating in the abyss of the sky. I stand on the street with the wind roaring in my ear. And I imagine myself standing on a grotesque roof being pounded by the wild wind. Looking over a mosaic of forest. My world is now what I imagine it to be.
I now walk through woods that used to fill my eyes with enchantment. A forgotten shadow comes to life. She sees the light. I like that the shadow is suddenly personified. Right from the moment you directly engaged the reader, you've been playing with our mind. This is another little example of that and it's super effective.Shining through the cracks and floating like specks of magic. But then the echoing sounds of deep chirps from the depths of the forest wraps around my ears. The humming of the woods picks at the twisted, turning knot inside of me. I smell the fresh, crisp air leaking out of the trees and my mind unravels the knots twisted on the towering tree trunks.
The play “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare and the interactive short film “After the Storm” by Andrew Grace have significantly shaped my understanding of discovery and this is embodied in my creative composition. The discovery of one’s surroundings is a catalyst which sparks the change in the understanding of ourselves and therefore deepens and creates a meaningful human experience. Imaginary discoveries and the discovery of the natural world are shown to generate the renewed awareness of oneself. Imaginary discoveries is super interesting, I haven't seen it covered yet at all in another student's work.
My creative composition has utilised this dreamlike stimulus through the transformation of her surroundings becoming an imaginary world led by her senses and is catalysed by the discovery of her setting. "Her" hasn't been identified as a protagonist yet. So I'd do that - just to maintain formality and use great terminology.
It is the discovery of the overruling force of nature which can alter an individual’s perceptions, leading to new understandings of one’s self. The Tempest demonstrates the sudden discovery of the natural world through the “Green place”. This highlights the new world which is depicted through pastoral idealisation and juxtaposes the old world. Shakespeare included this “green place” to highlight the experimentation of rulerships in the Age of Discovery. The natural world of the island evokes a fantasy world which sparks new understandings. Gonzalo sees the island’s beauty and this is a catalyst for the discovery of a utopian world in his mind. The “Green place” also creates the self-discovery in Alonso of his Kingship wrongdoings. Shakespeare has highlighted these evoked discoveries through Gonzalo’s metaphor for all humanity “all of us, ourselves when no man was his own.” This metaphor emphasises the need of the discovery of the “green world” to create deep transformations of ourselves and our human experience.
I think that we just need to make more of a connection between the two, which comes in your delivery. Saying something like "Similarly," forces your audience to make the connection based on similarities. When you delivery it, say it in a somewhat conversational way so that you maintain engagement, but also maintain your formality. The overruling force of nature is also highlighted in “after the storm” as the unexpected but meaningful discovery of the tornado leads to a confronting emotional journey similar to Alonso’s in The Tempest. Ok I see you've made the connection here - I would flip it and put the connective part at the start of the sentence :) The unexpected tornado is transformative for an individual’s emotional identity as it will always spark fear and grief. The effects of this discovery of nature is highlighted through the visual motif of trees. This is epitomised through the visual comparison of tree growth rings to the events in Andrew’s life. This reveals the epiphany stage of discovery where the new understanding of one’s strength and self is generated. The discovery of the natural world’s forces in this short film has clearly created an emotional transformation of the human experience in Andrew’s life.
My related texts have shaped my composition to illustrate the natural world as a catalyst for self discovery. This sentence doesn't really say anything too important - it simply agrees with the task you've been given and it doesn't show any real flair. Perhaps: "This exploration of discovery within a human experience inspired the way I illustrated the natural world in relation to discovery in my own composition." Obviously smooth it out to suit your voice and tone. Through her senses the woods trigger a rediscovery of wonder in the protagonist, which in turn catalyses a self discovery of her new imagined world. The pastoral imagery and the motif of a knot in my composition was influenced by both “The Tempest” and “After the Storm”. As seen through “The humming of the woods picks at the twisted, turning knot...” This quote clearly illustrates the knot motif symbolising the loss of her sight creating trauma. The unravelling of this knot evoked by nature illustrates the transformation of herself into acceptance and the deepening of her human experience.
Imagined landscapes forces the questioning of an individual’s concept of reality and generates a meaningful individual human experience. Consider how you will express this. It is a really stand-alone statement so you need to match that with emphasis in delivery, otherwise it may seem like a random statement that jars your flow. :)
In the Tempest there is a blurred reality. The imaginary discoveries are shown through the magic created by Prospero which represents the interest in the supernatural in the Elizabethan era. The inclusion of this imagined world as directed by Prospero evokes many emotional discoveries in the character’s psyches. Prospero’s imaginary world starts in media res in the illusion of a storm. This storm results in Ferdinand’s emotional discovery of Miranda. Prospero’s description of "The direful spectacle of the wreck" illustrates his reference to the spectacle as a theatrical display highlighting the metatheater used by Shakespeare. Prospero is a playwright in the masque for Miranda and Ferdinand which leads to their emotional awakening. This metatheater therefore emphasises how Prospero’s creation of the imaginary world, disrupts the physical world and stimulates emotional discoveries in the character psyches.
“After the Storm” similarly reveals the blurred concept of reality through Andrew’s imaginary concept of what once stood. This imaginary discovery leads to the rediscovery of his emotional trauma. Similar to the metatheater in the Tempest, Andrew’s use of authorial intrusion shown through “dear future disaster survivor” captures the audience to realise the imaginary discovery of past memories. Furthermore, the interactive use of the audience to recreate what once stood also breaks the “fourth wall” and highlights the confronting emotional discovery created from the imagined concept.
These two texts then influenced my composition, where I have broken the fourth wall through authorial intrusion to emphasise the imaginary discovery. Really excellent analysis here!My composition explores the imaginary perception of the world around her to create a renewed self-discovery. The authorial intrusion of “What you are reading now…” creates a link for the audience into her imagined world and how this sparks a new depth in her human experience. Her new imagined world is now influenced by her discovery of her senses, and creates a renewed intricate human experience.
As a result of the deep study of these two texts, my personal definition of discovery has been greatly shaped and is embodied in my creative writing. Discovery - Our personal human experience is revealed and exposed when the perspective of ourselves is transformed, by our enlightened surroundings.
I think this is just wonderful. You seem to be in an excellent place in terms of your knowledge of the two prescribed and related texts! This is a really interesting task that your teacher has set you but I think it will really pay off because you're being forced to critically look at your own composition. I'd give you full marks for all sections of the criteria, except the one where it asks you to explore your own perception of discovery. I think this could be done more cohesively. Each idea is dealt with in isolation and I think stringing it all together would be super handy for your work, because it unites ideas but also sews your flow together! This could be achieved at the end with a really wholesome reflective statement, but I think it would be best to flick between how the different types of discoveries compliment each other - and then define discovery from YOUR perspective.
Otherwise, this looks wonderful and I hope to be able to read your full creative piece one day!
With speeches, delivery is everything. How do you feel about your delivery? Are you nervous or usually pretty comfortable with this kind of thing?
Post by: J.B on December 07, 2016, 07:58:18 am
Hey J.B!
I've put some comments in the spoiler below :)SpoilerThe light;
Harsh,
Blazing,
Shards,
Swelled to every corner of my sight.
The pitch black void of darkness had escaped from the backs of my eyes. Fragments of shapes blurred out the world that once stood around me. My heart began to tie itself in a knot. Twisting my insides. And my mind. All of my thoughts were trapped, trapped by the glaring lights in my eyes.
What you are reading now is the voice in my mind. I love that you've engaged the reader like this! It really demands attention, very powerful :)Our minds distort our memories. Twists them into a knot. A knot that hangs over our head, until a sound, a smell pushes them into our mind. And we are reminded of a moment. A distorted view of one moment. Love this!
A knot of memories constantly collapses into my mind. It was a Saturday. My world became entombed inside my head. And ever since this day, when I hear a plane, my mind paints a vessel floating in the abyss of the sky. I stand on the street with the wind roaring in my ear. And I imagine myself standing on a grotesque roof being pounded by the wild wind. Looking over a mosaic of forest. My world is now what I imagine it to be.
I now walk through woods that used to fill my eyes with enchantment. A forgotten shadow comes to life. She sees the light. I like that the shadow is suddenly personified. Right from the moment you directly engaged the reader, you've been playing with our mind. This is another little example of that and it's super effective.Shining through the cracks and floating like specks of magic. But then the echoing sounds of deep chirps from the depths of the forest wraps around my ears. The humming of the woods picks at the twisted, turning knot inside of me. I smell the fresh, crisp air leaking out of the trees and my mind unravels the knots twisted on the towering tree trunks.
The play “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare and the interactive short film “After the Storm” by Andrew Grace have significantly shaped my understanding of discovery and this is embodied in my creative composition. The discovery of one’s surroundings is a catalyst which sparks the change in the understanding of ourselves and therefore deepens and creates a meaningful human experience. Imaginary discoveries and the discovery of the natural world are shown to generate the renewed awareness of oneself. Imaginary discoveries is super interesting, I haven't seen it covered yet at all in another student's work.
My creative composition has utilised this dreamlike stimulus through the transformation of her surroundings becoming an imaginary world led by her senses and is catalysed by the discovery of her setting. "Her" hasn't been identified as a protagonist yet. So I'd do that - just to maintain formality and use great terminology.
It is the discovery of the overruling force of nature which can alter an individual’s perceptions, leading to new understandings of one’s self. The Tempest demonstrates the sudden discovery of the natural world through the “Green place”. This highlights the new world which is depicted through pastoral idealisation and juxtaposes the old world. Shakespeare included this “green place” to highlight the experimentation of rulerships in the Age of Discovery. The natural world of the island evokes a fantasy world which sparks new understandings. Gonzalo sees the island’s beauty and this is a catalyst for the discovery of a utopian world in his mind. The “Green place” also creates the self-discovery in Alonso of his Kingship wrongdoings. Shakespeare has highlighted these evoked discoveries through Gonzalo’s metaphor for all humanity “all of us, ourselves when no man was his own.” This metaphor emphasises the need of the discovery of the “green world” to create deep transformations of ourselves and our human experience.
I think that we just need to make more of a connection between the two, which comes in your delivery. Saying something like "Similarly," forces your audience to make the connection based on similarities. When you delivery it, say it in a somewhat conversational way so that you maintain engagement, but also maintain your formality. The overruling force of nature is also highlighted in “after the storm” as the unexpected but meaningful discovery of the tornado leads to a confronting emotional journey similar to Alonso’s in The Tempest. Ok I see you've made the connection here - I would flip it and put the connective part at the start of the sentence :) The unexpected tornado is transformative for an individual’s emotional identity as it will always spark fear and grief. The effects of this discovery of nature is highlighted through the visual motif of trees. This is epitomised through the visual comparison of tree growth rings to the events in Andrew’s life. This reveals the epiphany stage of discovery where the new understanding of one’s strength and self is generated. The discovery of the natural world’s forces in this short film has clearly created an emotional transformation of the human experience in Andrew’s life.
My related texts have shaped my composition to illustrate the natural world as a catalyst for self discovery. This sentence doesn't really say anything too important - it simply agrees with the task you've been given and it doesn't show any real flair. Perhaps: "This exploration of discovery within a human experience inspired the way I illustrated the natural world in relation to discovery in my own composition." Obviously smooth it out to suit your voice and tone. Through her senses the woods trigger a rediscovery of wonder in the protagonist, which in turn catalyses a self discovery of her new imagined world. The pastoral imagery and the motif of a knot in my composition was influenced by both “The Tempest” and “After the Storm”. As seen through “The humming of the woods picks at the twisted, turning knot...” This quote clearly illustrates the knot motif symbolising the loss of her sight creating trauma. The unravelling of this knot evoked by nature illustrates the transformation of herself into acceptance and the deepening of her human experience.
Imagined landscapes forces the questioning of an individual’s concept of reality and generates a meaningful individual human experience. Consider how you will express this. It is a really stand-alone statement so you need to match that with emphasis in delivery, otherwise it may seem like a random statement that jars your flow. :)
In the Tempest there is a blurred reality. The imaginary discoveries are shown through the magic created by Prospero which represents the interest in the supernatural in the Elizabethan era. The inclusion of this imagined world as directed by Prospero evokes many emotional discoveries in the character’s psyches. Prospero’s imaginary world starts in media res in the illusion of a storm. This storm results in Ferdinand’s emotional discovery of Miranda. Prospero’s description of "The direful spectacle of the wreck" illustrates his reference to the spectacle as a theatrical display highlighting the metatheater used by Shakespeare. Prospero is a playwright in the masque for Miranda and Ferdinand which leads to their emotional awakening. This metatheater therefore emphasises how Prospero’s creation of the imaginary world, disrupts the physical world and stimulates emotional discoveries in the character psyches.
“After the Storm” similarly reveals the blurred concept of reality through Andrew’s imaginary concept of what once stood. This imaginary discovery leads to the rediscovery of his emotional trauma. Similar to the metatheater in the Tempest, Andrew’s use of authorial intrusion shown through “dear future disaster survivor” captures the audience to realise the imaginary discovery of past memories. Furthermore, the interactive use of the audience to recreate what once stood also breaks the “fourth wall” and highlights the confronting emotional discovery created from the imagined concept.
These two texts then influenced my composition, where I have broken the fourth wall through authorial intrusion to emphasise the imaginary discovery. Really excellent analysis here!My composition explores the imaginary perception of the world around her to create a renewed self-discovery. The authorial intrusion of “What you are reading now…” creates a link for the audience into her imagined world and how this sparks a new depth in her human experience. Her new imagined world is now influenced by her discovery of her senses, and creates a renewed intricate human experience.
As a result of the deep study of these two texts, my personal definition of discovery has been greatly shaped and is embodied in my creative writing. Discovery - Our personal human experience is revealed and exposed when the perspective of ourselves is transformed, by our enlightened surroundings.
I think this is just wonderful. You seem to be in an excellent place in terms of your knowledge of the two prescribed and related texts! This is a really interesting task that your teacher has set you but I think it will really pay off because you're being forced to critically look at your own composition. I'd give you full marks for all sections of the criteria, except the one where it asks you to explore your own perception of discovery. I think this could be done more cohesively. Each idea is dealt with in isolation and I think stringing it all together would be super handy for your work, because it unites ideas but also sews your flow together! This could be achieved at the end with a really wholesome reflective statement, but I think it would be best to flick between how the different types of discoveries compliment each other - and then define discovery from YOUR perspective.
Otherwise, this looks wonderful and I hope to be able to read your full creative piece one day!
With speeches, delivery is everything. How do you feel about your delivery? Are you nervous or usually pretty comfortable with this kind of thing?
Thank you so much!!!
I plan to redraft my whole creative in the holidays, so when i get enough posts, I would love some of your feedback on it. We are give the option of either presenting as a speech, or pre-recording yourself and then presenting. I am pretty comfortable with speaking, but I was thinking of pre-recording and making a video with it, as I feel this way I will be able to make sure that I sound confident, and engage the audience more through my video, and also make sure that I am exactly within the time limit. What do you think?
I'm still a bit stuck on my last paragraph on how to link it all together and present my own personal definition. Is this any better?
"The exploration of these texts has revealed the discoveries of the natural world intertwining with the imaginary discoveries to renew an individual’s perception, which in turn deepens one’s human experience. This revelation greatly shaped my personal definition as embodied in my creative writing. Discovery – When we are enlightened by our surroundings, our individual perspective is transformed to deepen and expose our human experience."
Thank you so much!
Jamie.
Post by: xenbay on December 15, 2016, 12:46:37 am
Post by: jamonwindeyer on December 15, 2016, 09:31:45 pm
Hey was hoping you could check my essay to see if I stick properly to my thesis.
Hey xenbay! Welcome to the forums!
Thanks heaps for posting your essay! ;D we have a rule that you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every piece of feedback on an essay. This is just to ensure the service doesn't become too clogged, and that it goes to the people who are contributing to the community ;D this is a really easy thing to do, just hang around the site a tad, ask a few questions, have a chat (etc) and you'll build up 15 posts in no time! :)
Full essay marking rules are available here :)
Once again, welcome!!
Post by: SSSS on December 29, 2016, 01:11:36 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on December 30, 2016, 08:41:40 pm
Hey guys :) I would really appreciate any advice on how to analyse the tempest. My school gave us these worksheets that don't even help and I don't know how I should analyse the tempest so I can begin writing an essay for my assessment that is the first day back of school. Thanks ;D
Hey there! So, if you haven't read the text already, start by doing that and jotting down all kinds of notes on a piece of paper somewhere: the quotes that stand out to you, the times your opinions on characters changed, when you notice important events in relation to discovery, etc.
If you have read the text but haven't taken note of these things, then dash back through and jot down things that come to your memory as you skim, and probably search the web for some great quotes to kick start your analysis. Once you knuckle down on the main, big quotes, the more unique ones that stick out to you will come easier.
Ask yourself: Why did Shakespeare make the decision to include this? Why did Shakespeare write it in this form? Who else is in this scene? What does the audience know until this point? What does this reveal about discovery?
Have the rubric nearby and write down some of the main points as subheadings in a brainstorm, then jot down the parts of the text that relate to this. Once you've started mapping out the discoveries, you'll be able to start stringing together an argument :)
Post by: shreya_ajoshi on January 02, 2017, 06:58:16 pm
Could you please check my AOS essay?
I would like feedback on how to improve for sure, what I did well, editing to the essay and also a rough estimation of a mark.
Thank you so much and have a wonderful day :)
Post by: RuiAce on January 02, 2017, 07:02:27 pm
Hi!ATARnotes has a policy that you must have 15 posts for each long response to be marked to prevent accumulation (of things to mark). Please contribute (however you want e.g. asking questions) and the post count will go up.
Could you please check my AOS essay?
I would like feedback on how to improve for sure, what I did well, editing to the essay and also a rough estimation of a mark.
Thank you so much and have a wonderful day :)
In the meantime, you can choose if you want to leave it there
Post by: shreya_ajoshi on January 02, 2017, 07:09:19 pm
ATARnotes has a policy that you must have 15 posts for each long response to be marked to prevent accumulation (of things to mark). Please contribute (however you want e.g. asking questions) and the post count will go up.
In the meantime, you can choose if you want to leave it there
Okay thank you! Is it 15 or 5 posts for 1 essay to be checked?
Post by: bsdfjnlkasn on January 02, 2017, 08:58:21 pm
Okay thank you! Is it 15 or 5 posts for 1 essay to be checked?
Hey there,
It's 15 posts to submit an essay for marking and then 5 more for a resubmission (i.e. when you've applied the feedback) :)
Post by: shreya_ajoshi on January 02, 2017, 10:35:16 pm
Hey there,
It's 15 posts to submit an essay for marking and then 5 more for a resubmission (i.e. when you've applied the feedback) :)
Okay, thank you :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 03, 2017, 10:00:45 pm
Hey there,
It's 15 posts to submit an essay for marking and then 5 more for a resubmission (i.e. when you've applied the feedback) :)
It's 15 posts for a resubmission as well :)
Where did you see the '5 more for a resubmission' thing? Sorry if it was ambiguous :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 03, 2017, 10:04:31 pm
Okay, thank you :)
Hey Shreya! Noticed you'd crossed the 15 post threshold, awesome! You have enough for us to mark either this essay or the creative you posted in the other thread, which would you prefer? I'll jump on it tomorrow for you either way! :)
Post by: shreya_ajoshi on January 04, 2017, 04:21:27 pm
Hey Shreya! Noticed you'd crossed the 15 post threshold, awesome! You have enough for us to mark either this essay or the creative you posted in the other thread, which would you prefer? I'll jump on it tomorrow for you either way! :)
Hi Jamon!
Could I please have the essay marked?
Thank you :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 04, 2017, 04:34:47 pm
Hi Jamon!
Could I please have the essay marked?
Thank you :)
Sure! I'll get on that for you tonight, you'll wake up to feedback in the morning! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 04, 2017, 11:55:52 pm
Hi!
Could you please check my AOS essay?
I would like feedback on how to improve for sure, what I did well, editing to the essay and also a rough estimation of a mark.
Thank you so much and have a wonderful day :)
Hey hey! Your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold; just click on the spoiler:
Spoiler
“The most significant ramifications of any discovery is change”
Discuss the view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Change is a significant ramification ofa discovery because it can permanently change a person’s perceptions of the world around them and thus future experiences. I see where you are going here, but you've used the word 'change' in how you define the word 'change.' It's a little roundabout. Try to express this differently. This is evident in Go Back To Where You Came From by Ivan Mahoney through Raquel’s character where she matures and discovers a sense of compassion which offers her a greater understanding and awareness of her world. Don't go into too much textual detail; keep it simple and devote more time to conceptual explanation/elaboration. Change being a significant ramification of discovery is also evident in Mid-Term Break by Seamus Heaney as we see the poet’s and family’s emotional stability change through their process of discovery, which ultimately would affect their future experiences. A good start to an intro; but some more conceptual development is needed. More explanation of how perceptions of the world are altered, and what exactly this means (how/why?). Further, try a concluding sentence that brings everything together more effectively.
Go Back to Where You Came From effectively explores how it is human nature to change as a consequence of discovering something new as it renews one’s perceptions about their world around them. This conceptual statement seems just a little unclear; I think it could be simplified somewhat. The second half, the "renews one's perceptions" section; I don't see how this ties in with the first bit. This could tie back to a bit more work being needed at the start. This is effectively conveyed through Raquel’s discovery of the refugee reality. Raquel’s overarching attitude towards the social experiment and refugees is seen through her blunt statements and reluctance to interact with anyone else as she says “I just don’t like Africans.” Be careful when discussing characters; they are PUPPETS. You should ALWAYS be discussing composer choices; the composer's use of blunt language in Raquel's dialogue, for example. This shows her socioeconomic position and her portrayal as an unempathetic yet overly proud Australian. How does that relate to Discovery? Her ignorance reminds the audience that she needs to discover more and makes the audience realise that Raquel will undergo the most drastic change. However, through her traumatising experiences in Kenya as she lives the life of her refugee, she discovers the confronting nature of discoveries. The quick camera movements help to create the tension that Raquel is undergoing as she is unable to adapt to the situation through her flustered facial expressions. She says “I’m a bit terrified. It’s not my country. I’m not familiar with any of this,” expressing the idea that constant rediscoveries of living conditions reflect the confronting and provocative nature of refugee experiences, hence changing one’s perceptions about the world. Again, this concept doesn't quite sit right with me. Also watch that first part of the sentence, "She says" immediately suggests you are recounting. As she is skyping the Masudi family in Kenya, we are able to see her changed attitude towards refugees as she discovers compassion. Retell. The close-ups of Raquel show her emotional reaction and the non-diegetic music in the background highlights the emotive significance of this journey and her new found compassion. Nice technique identification here! How does this relate to Discovery and change specifically though? Be specific! As she leaves the family in Kenya, she acknowledges her emotional ramification through the cinematic technique of a personal interview as she says “it’s a big shit. Yeah. It’s a big shift.” This drastic juxtaposition in tone compared to her attitude at the beginning of the journey emphasises how discoveries can transform and individual greatly. Excellent; this conceptual statement is much clearer than some of your previous ones. It is immediately obvious what you are trying to say; concepts should always just make sense immediately like this does. Therefore, Raquel discovers self-awareness through her intensely meaningful discovery, highlighting that the most significant ramification of discovery is change. A solid paragraph with lots of great technique identification and steps towards excellent analysis; more acknowledgement of the composer is needed. Remember, characters are puppets!
Mid-Term Break by Seamus Heaney explores how discoveries can change one’s emotional stability considerably. That last word doesn't add anything; be efficient! Besides that, a more effective conceptual statement than your previous paragraph! The change in the poet’s state of mind is seen through the family’s emotional journey as they discover the death of their youngest and the ramifications this leads to. Mid-term break was a poem set in the 1950s meaning that societal expectations were very strict and different compared to today’s. How is this seen in the poem? How is it relevant to Discovery? I love that you are using contextual reference, that is AWESOME, but you need to do something with it! The figure of a father was ‘patriarchal’ in the context and was expected to not show much emotion. However, this societal expectation is challenged due to the discovery of death. The father’s emotional response who is “crying” highlights the unusualness of the situation and how this death is unnatural as well as personal, hence showing how the most significant consequence of a discovery is change. Good conceptual links, but this is still retell. It's just saying what happened in the text. It needs to be a little more abstract, with a focus on techniques, not plot. The poet also describes the contrasting response from the mother and father as the poet says “as my mother held my hand In hers and coughed out angry tearless sighs” conveying the sense that she was too upset to cry but sensitive to the need of her eldest child for comfort, expressing her emotional response as she discovers loss. Technique? Without it, this is just retell. Heaney ends the poem with a single line stanza compared to the rest of the poem which has 3 line stanzas. The effect of this is to show the devastation that the narrator feels in order to make his grief stand out, showing how he has discovered grief and a sense of loneliness which changed him, making him more expressive. Ensure you have a proper conclusion for each of your paragraphs. What has been shown overall in Heaney's poem about Discovery?
Both texts convey that it is human nature to change when discoveries are intensely significant. This is a new way of expressing your ideas that isn't really introduced in the Thesis; be careful. If you want to talk about how 'significant' discoveries promote change, you need to reference significance in the Thesis. Go Back to Where You Came From effectively portrays how change is a significant ramification as a result of discovery through Raquel’s character as she discovers compassion and awareness about the world. Mid-Term Break powerfully conveys how negative discoveries can change one’s emotional stability as the family discovers sorrow and pain through their discovery of a death of a family member. Just like your Thesis, looking for a final sentence tying the two texts together and effectively answering the question.
Discuss the view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Change is a significant ramification of
Go Back to Where You Came From effectively explores how it is human nature to change as a consequence of discovering something new as it renews one’s perceptions about their world around them. This conceptual statement seems just a little unclear; I think it could be simplified somewhat. The second half, the "renews one's perceptions" section; I don't see how this ties in with the first bit. This could tie back to a bit more work being needed at the start. This is effectively conveyed through Raquel’s discovery of the refugee reality. Raquel’s overarching attitude towards the social experiment and refugees is seen through her blunt statements and reluctance to interact with anyone else as she says “I just don’t like Africans.” Be careful when discussing characters; they are PUPPETS. You should ALWAYS be discussing composer choices; the composer's use of blunt language in Raquel's dialogue, for example. This shows her socioeconomic position and her portrayal as an unempathetic yet overly proud Australian. How does that relate to Discovery? Her ignorance reminds the audience that she needs to discover more and makes the audience realise that Raquel will undergo the most drastic change. However, through her traumatising experiences in Kenya as she lives the life of her refugee, she discovers the confronting nature of discoveries. The quick camera movements help to create the tension that Raquel is undergoing as she is unable to adapt to the situation through her flustered facial expressions. She says “I’m a bit terrified. It’s not my country. I’m not familiar with any of this,” expressing the idea that constant rediscoveries of living conditions reflect the confronting and provocative nature of refugee experiences, hence changing one’s perceptions about the world. Again, this concept doesn't quite sit right with me. Also watch that first part of the sentence, "She says" immediately suggests you are recounting. As she is skyping the Masudi family in Kenya, we are able to see her changed attitude towards refugees as she discovers compassion. Retell. The close-ups of Raquel show her emotional reaction and the non-diegetic music in the background highlights the emotive significance of this journey and her new found compassion. Nice technique identification here! How does this relate to Discovery and change specifically though? Be specific! As she leaves the family in Kenya, she acknowledges her emotional ramification through the cinematic technique of a personal interview as she says “it’s a big shit. Yeah. It’s a big shift.” This drastic juxtaposition in tone compared to her attitude at the beginning of the journey emphasises how discoveries can transform and individual greatly. Excellent; this conceptual statement is much clearer than some of your previous ones. It is immediately obvious what you are trying to say; concepts should always just make sense immediately like this does. Therefore, Raquel discovers self-awareness through her intensely meaningful discovery, highlighting that the most significant ramification of discovery is change. A solid paragraph with lots of great technique identification and steps towards excellent analysis; more acknowledgement of the composer is needed. Remember, characters are puppets!
Mid-Term Break by Seamus Heaney explores how discoveries can change one’s emotional stability
Both texts convey that it is human nature to change when discoveries are intensely significant. This is a new way of expressing your ideas that isn't really introduced in the Thesis; be careful. If you want to talk about how 'significant' discoveries promote change, you need to reference significance in the Thesis. Go Back to Where You Came From effectively portrays how change is a significant ramification as a result of discovery through Raquel’s character as she discovers compassion and awareness about the world. Mid-Term Break powerfully conveys how negative discoveries can change one’s emotional stability as the family discovers sorrow and pain through their discovery of a death of a family member. Just like your Thesis, looking for a final sentence tying the two texts together and effectively answering the question.
Okay, so to summate my comments throughout a little bit; there are places in this essay that I go "Yep, this student is on the ball." So I know you know your stuff. But it's a little bit about consistency. I love your focus on techniques in the first paragraph, but you dropped back to retell a bit in the second. I love your conceptual clarity in the second paragraph, because in the first, the concepts were a little bit hard to fully grasp. The first paragraph had a concluding sentence, the second didn't. But the second had a much better introduction. Basically, you are absolutely writing in the upper range, but you aren't doing it consistently just yet.
I like to give a few things to work on as primary concerns, and for you I'll give two:
1. Redevelop your Thesis and conceptual frameworks to be a little clearer. Particularly in your Thesis and first paragraphs, your explanations are a little vague; make them more succinct and this will likely make them clearer. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what is off about them, but I don't have that moment of "Yep, that makes sense." like I do with your second paragraph (see within for some examples). Doing this will not only improve your conceptual approach but naturally lead to a more coherent response to the question.
2. Ensure that all of your textual references (quotes, etc) have a technique attached, and that this technique is attributed to the composer, not the character. This should reduce retell in your second paragraph and improve your analytical style in your first. Remember, for effective analysis, go to TEA - Technique, Explain, Audience. For each quote, identify the technique, explain how the quote/reference relates to your idea, and acknowledge the effect on the audience.
So you should definitely take the mark I give with a pretty big grain of salt!! I'm obviously not a HSC marker. That said, I'd say this is sitting at around 11/15 right now, give or take a mark or two :)
I hope this feedback helps! :)
Post by: shreya_ajoshi on January 05, 2017, 01:01:38 pm
Hey hey! Your essay is attached with comments throughout in bold; just click on the spoiler:Spoiler“The most significant ramifications of any discovery is change”
Discuss the view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Change is a significant ramification ofadiscovery because it can permanently change a person’s perceptions of the world around them and thus future experiences. I see where you are going here, but you've used the word 'change' in how you define the word 'change.' It's a little roundabout. Try to express this differently. This is evident in Go Back To Where You Came From by Ivan Mahoney through Raquel’s character where she matures and discovers a sense of compassion which offers her a greater understanding and awareness of her world. Don't go into too much textual detail; keep it simple and devote more time to conceptual explanation/elaboration. Change being a significant ramification of discovery is also evident in Mid-Term Break by Seamus Heaney as we see the poet’s and family’s emotional stability change through their process of discovery, which ultimately would affect their future experiences. A good start to an intro; but some more conceptual development is needed. More explanation of how perceptions of the world are altered, and what exactly this means (how/why?). Further, try a concluding sentence that brings everything together more effectively.
Go Back to Where You Came From effectively explores how it is human nature to change as a consequence of discovering something new as it renews one’s perceptions about their world around them. This conceptual statement seems just a little unclear; I think it could be simplified somewhat. The second half, the "renews one's perceptions" section; I don't see how this ties in with the first bit. This could tie back to a bit more work being needed at the start. This is effectively conveyed through Raquel’s discovery of the refugee reality. Raquel’s overarching attitude towards the social experiment and refugees is seen through her blunt statements and reluctance to interact with anyone else as she says “I just don’t like Africans.” Be careful when discussing characters; they are PUPPETS. You should ALWAYS be discussing composer choices; the composer's use of blunt language in Raquel's dialogue, for example. This shows her socioeconomic position and her portrayal as an unempathetic yet overly proud Australian. How does that relate to Discovery? Her ignorance reminds the audience that she needs to discover more and makes the audience realise that Raquel will undergo the most drastic change. However, through her traumatising experiences in Kenya as she lives the life of her refugee, she discovers the confronting nature of discoveries. The quick camera movements help to create the tension that Raquel is undergoing as she is unable to adapt to the situation through her flustered facial expressions. She says “I’m a bit terrified. It’s not my country. I’m not familiar with any of this,” expressing the idea that constant rediscoveries of living conditions reflect the confronting and provocative nature of refugee experiences, hence changing one’s perceptions about the world. Again, this concept doesn't quite sit right with me. Also watch that first part of the sentence, "She says" immediately suggests you are recounting. As she is skyping the Masudi family in Kenya, we are able to see her changed attitude towards refugees as she discovers compassion. Retell. The close-ups of Raquel show her emotional reaction and the non-diegetic music in the background highlights the emotive significance of this journey and her new found compassion. Nice technique identification here! How does this relate to Discovery and change specifically though? Be specific! As she leaves the family in Kenya, she acknowledges her emotional ramification through the cinematic technique of a personal interview as she says “it’s a big shit. Yeah. It’s a big shift.” This drastic juxtaposition in tone compared to her attitude at the beginning of the journey emphasises how discoveries can transform and individual greatly. Excellent; this conceptual statement is much clearer than some of your previous ones. It is immediately obvious what you are trying to say; concepts should always just make sense immediately like this does. Therefore, Raquel discovers self-awareness through her intensely meaningful discovery, highlighting that the most significant ramification of discovery is change. A solid paragraph with lots of great technique identification and steps towards excellent analysis; more acknowledgement of the composer is needed. Remember, characters are puppets!
Mid-Term Break by Seamus Heaney explores how discoveries can change one’s emotional stabilityconsiderably. That last word doesn't add anything; be efficient! Besides that, a more effective conceptual statement than your previous paragraph! The change in the poet’s state of mind is seen through the family’s emotional journey as they discover the death of their youngest and the ramifications this leads to. Mid-term break was a poem set in the 1950s meaning that societal expectations were very strict and different compared to today’s. How is this seen in the poem? How is it relevant to Discovery? I love that you are using contextual reference, that is AWESOME, but you need to do something with it! The figure of a father was ‘patriarchal’ in the context and was expected to not show much emotion. However, this societal expectation is challenged due to the discovery of death. The father’s emotional response who is “crying” highlights the unusualness of the situation and how this death is unnatural as well as personal, hence showing how the most significant consequence of a discovery is change. Good conceptual links, but this is still retell. It's just saying what happened in the text. It needs to be a little more abstract, with a focus on techniques, not plot. The poet also describes the contrasting response from the mother and father as the poet says “as my mother held my hand In hers and coughed out angry tearless sighs” conveying the sense that she was too upset to cry but sensitive to the need of her eldest child for comfort, expressing her emotional response as she discovers loss. Technique? Without it, this is just retell. Heaney ends the poem with a single line stanza compared to the rest of the poem which has 3 line stanzas. The effect of this is to show the devastation that the narrator feels in order to make his grief stand out, showing how he has discovered grief and a sense of loneliness which changed him, making him more expressive. Ensure you have a proper conclusion for each of your paragraphs. What has been shown overall in Heaney's poem about Discovery?
Both texts convey that it is human nature to change when discoveries are intensely significant. This is a new way of expressing your ideas that isn't really introduced in the Thesis; be careful. If you want to talk about how 'significant' discoveries promote change, you need to reference significance in the Thesis. Go Back to Where You Came From effectively portrays how change is a significant ramification as a result of discovery through Raquel’s character as she discovers compassion and awareness about the world. Mid-Term Break powerfully conveys how negative discoveries can change one’s emotional stability as the family discovers sorrow and pain through their discovery of a death of a family member. Just like your Thesis, looking for a final sentence tying the two texts together and effectively answering the question.
Okay, so to summate my comments throughout a little bit; there are places in this essay that I go "Yep, this student is on the ball." So I know you know your stuff. But it's a little bit about consistency. I love your focus on techniques in the first paragraph, but you dropped back to retell a bit in the second. I love your conceptual clarity in the second paragraph, because in the first, the concepts were a little bit hard to fully grasp. The first paragraph had a concluding sentence, the second didn't. But the second had a much better introduction. Basically, you are absolutely writing in the upper range, but you aren't doing it consistently just yet.
I like to give a few things to work on as primary concerns, and for you I'll give two:
1. Redevelop your Thesis and conceptual frameworks to be a little clearer. Particularly in your Thesis and first paragraphs, your explanations are a little vague; make them more succinct and this will likely make them clearer. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what is off about them, but I don't have that moment of "Yep, that makes sense." like I do with your second paragraph (see within for some examples). Doing this will not only improve your conceptual approach but naturally lead to a more coherent response to the question.
2. Ensure that all of your textual references (quotes, etc) have a technique attached, and that this technique is attributed to the composer, not the character. This should reduce retell in your second paragraph and improve your analytical style in your first. Remember, for effective analysis, go to TEA - Technique, Explain, Audience. For each quote, identify the technique, explain how the quote/reference relates to your idea, and acknowledge the effect on the audience.
So you should definitely take the mark I give with a pretty big grain of salt!! I'm obviously not a HSC marker. That said, I'd say this is sitting at around 11/15 right now, give or take a mark or two :)
I hope this feedback helps! :)
Hi Jamon!
Thank you for your feedback. It was very helpful :)
Post by: RuiAce on January 07, 2017, 11:26:04 am
hiATARnotes has a policy that you must have 15 posts for each long response to be marked to prevent accumulation (of things to mark). Please contribute (however you want e.g. asking questions) and the post count will go up.
Could you please read through my essay
Romanticism concerns the influence of the individual and the power of the imagination to reshape ways of thinking
thanks
In the meantime, you can choose if you want to leave it there
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 07, 2017, 11:30:14 am
hi
Could you please read through my essay
Romanticism concerns the influence of the individual and the power of the imagination to reshape ways of thinking
thanks
Welcome! As Rui said, you'll need to accumulate 15 posts to be eligible for marking, have a look around the forums, ask questions and such, shouldn't take long! And feel free to let us know if you need a hand with finding things ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 12, 2017, 04:00:08 pm
Hi,
Could you please check this essay? Thanks :)
Sure! I'll get on it this evening ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 13, 2017, 12:11:31 am
Hi,
Could you please check this essay? Thanks :)
Hey! Your essay is attached below with comments in bold:
Essay
“The most significant ramifications of any discovery is change”
Discuss the view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Change is a significant ramification of discovery because it can permanently challenge preconceived ideas. This idea doesn't quite flow nicely - If you take the middle bit out, right now it says "change challenges preconceived ideas." This seems a little ambiguous. An individual’s personal and emotional evolution is determined by their experiences and response to discovery. Really like this amplification, but try to elaborate on discovery - I'd replace it with something like 'transformative experiences' or similar. Discovery by itself doesn't mean much, because it is so broad. Hence, the extent as to which change being the ‘most’ significant ramification of discovery is determined by one’s willingness to make connections people and places and is also determined by how intense and personal the discovery is. A little bit of a syntax error there, read that sentence aloud. It's missing a word/thought somewhere I think? The planned discovery in Ivan O’Mahoney’s televised SBS documentary series Go Back To Where You Came From explores how change is a ramification through the discovery of the refugee reality, however the most significant ramification is determined by one’s willingness to explore. The poem Mid-Term Break by Seamus Heanny conveys how change is most definitely a ramification of an emotional discovery. Different types of discoveries have different ramifications based on the experiences found on one’s process of discovery, hence change is significant at times but not so at other times. I feel like this introduction has all the pieces, but everything hasn't quite been linked. Particularly, I'm looking for a more specific and coherent concept. A bit more detail about what is changing, why it is changing - More elaboration of the key ideas presented in the question. Right now, I can't really take everything you have talked about in the intro and summarise it in a sentence - I should be able to do this easily!
Mahoney clearly shows how one’s willingness to make connections with their surroundings determines the degree as to which they will change as a result of discovering. Discovering what? Again, remember that the term discovery needs to be elaborated as it is used. The confronting discoveries experienced in Go Back To Where You Came From were evoked by a careful planning process. Adam Hartup is introduced at the start of the documentary through a close-up shot and personal interview. The mis-en-scene of the coastal background supports his claims of being a ‘shire boy,’ before he states that all boat people are ‘criminals.’ Great use of techniques! Be careful that you actually do something with them though - Right now you are close to just restating what happened in the text. That is retell! Similarly, a close-up shot of Darren introduces him as a firm believer that “all people who arrive by boat without documentation should be immediately expatriated.” LOVE that you integrate the quote into your sentence - That is really tricky to do well, nicely done. How does this relate to your concept though? Again, be sure to do something with your evidence. His high modality tone indicates that Darren is not very willing to be receptive to the future discoveries he will make. Thus demonstrating __________ for the audience. What is the composer trying to convey? Conversely, despite Adam calling refugees “criminals” he does acknowledge through dialogue that he is “apprehensive.” His apprehensive choice of words indicates that he recognises that he is not controlling the situation and is open to the way how this planned journey will affect him. How does this relate to the concept? Right now you are explaining what happens in the text, you need to go bigger. Relate it to the concept you are exploring in a broader sense - Don't just explain what the technique reveals about the characters. This difference in readiness to make connections to their discoveries, affect their personal ramifications of the discovery and is particularly highlighted in the Malaysian Raid Scene. You started to go conceptual in the first half of that sentence! The hand-held camera and night-vision allows the audience to be integrated into the raid and creating a real experience, giving rise to an appreciation of the circumstances and discoveries. There we go - Excellent audience integration. The zoom up of Adam’s face reveals the devastation he is witnessing and how the discovery of the treatment of refugees has surprised and challenged him. Again - Go bigger than characters. Contrasting to Adam’s experience, Darren only makes a blunt comment on how impressed he was by the size of the convoy as he calls the situation “pretty pumpy,” while subtly smiling, revealed by the close-up shot. Adam’s discovery that challenged and changed his views was made much earlier than Darren purely because Adam was aware and open to make connections with people and places. Retell. Through dialogue he states, “if I were one of them…I’d get on a boat,” highlighting that when one encounters a confronting and provocative discovery, their perception of the outside world are altered. That's better - See how you talked about a concept more broadly than just the text there? You didn't just explain the character, you pointed to the character and said 'This characters shows us ________ about discovery. Nice! For Darren however, it was only when he was speaking with Wasmi’s mother, when he began to appreciate the complexity of the refugee issue. This is where he was willing to be open and make a genuine connection with a person, highlighting how relationships between individuals can stimulate their process of discovery leading to a renewed transformation of self. A close-up shot of Darren when asked what he would do about the Australian refugee issue, reveals the surprising truth as he says “’It’s difficult question to answer,” emphasising how one may question or reflect upon their assumptions when confronted with provocative discoveries. Great. The difference in response by Adam and Darren to the challenging and confronting discovery of the refugee life was determined by their original willingness to make connections. Though both participants did change as a consequence of discovering the refugee reality, it wasn’t the most significant ramification. (should I give an example of what the most significant ramification was or do I just leave it there) I think a little more elaboration would help here - So perhaps you should compare it to the most significant ramification. Could work a little better.
The statement “the most significant ramification of any discovery is change” is also challenged by Gleny’s character in Go Back. Gleny was already empathetic and had thorough knowledge towards refugees. Retell. Her personal interviews show evidence of this “I would love to have a refugee come and stay with me, I think detention centres are inhumane.” Technique? Through the social experiment, she does willingly explore the life of a refugee which emotionally affects her, as seen through her concerned tone in “It’s a very tense situation.” However, by the end of her journey, she doesn’t necessarily change or her prior assumptions and beliefs are not challenged, revealed in her statement,” we take our freedom for granted.” Rather her discovery of the harsh refugee crisis, reaffirmed her beliefs. Hence the statement “the most significant ramification of any discovery is change,” is proven incorrect through Gleny’s journey, showing that the most significant ramification of any discovery can also be a sense of relief and confirmation to one’s assumptions and initial views. Nice connection to the question at the end there - But this analysis was a little too character focused. No broader extrapolation. Further, look at the length of your paragraphs here - This one is much shorter than the others. This creates a significant imbalance - You need to bring everything a little closer together.
Contrasting to Go Back, Mid-Term Break reveals how one’s experience of discovering something tragic, does result in change. Nice transition to your ORT, very smooth. A deep and meaningful discovery is revealed in Mid-Term Break, which was not evoked by a carefully planned process, but of a spontaneous and unexpected death. Nice elaboration. The father undergoes a personal and emotional discovery as he discovers the death of his son. Retell - Always ask yourself, 'Would someone who has read the text get anything new from this sentence?' The narrator expresses “I met my father crying,” which contrasts against him always taking “funerals by his stride.” This strongly highlights how significant an emotional and personal discovery can be as it changes one’s mental stability, as the situation has become personal. Good concept - But there was no technique there. Your analysis must have a technique! The father’s ‘change’ is also reemphasised through the poem’s historical context. The poem was set in the 1950s, where the figure of a father was patriarchal and was not expected to show much emotion. However, the discovery of the father’s son in this poem challenges this expectation, accentuating that the most significant response of any discovery, particularly the discovery of a family member, is change. Elaborate here - What changes? The evolution of human perceptivity is largely driven by a certain experience that occurred before a sudden discovery. The mother’s response to the sudden discovery of death is expressed through the emotive language “coughed out angry, tearless sighs,” indicating that she had already cried and accepted the outcome, and now the only next emotion she is able to express is anger. This highlights the change in emotional response that discovery results in. The implication here is that she cried so much that there is nothing more to cry but incensed by the driver’s failure to avoid her son, “the bumper knocked him clear,” highlighting how the discovery changed her in the sense that she came to understand the reality of the situation, forcing her to express her anger. Therefore, Mid-Term Break’s reveals that change being a significant ramification of discovery, purely relies on the intensity of the discovery, which would determine the extent as to which one will change. It is when an individual is in a time of difficult, their values can influence their process of discovery, resulting in a transformative change for the individual. Little syntax error in the middle there, 'time of difficult' needs a fix.
Change being the most significant ramification of discovery is conveyed in Mid-Term Break but not to a great extent in Go Back To Where You Came From. Try to start your conclusion with a conceptual statement - Essentially a restatement of your Thesis. It is the willingness to make connections with one’s surroundings and how personal the discovery is that truly determines whether a change is a significant ramification of discovery. This conclusion is a little short - Try to elaborate on the ideas you've explored just a little bit more.
Discuss the view with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Change is a significant ramification of discovery because it can permanently challenge preconceived ideas. This idea doesn't quite flow nicely - If you take the middle bit out, right now it says "change challenges preconceived ideas." This seems a little ambiguous. An individual’s personal and emotional evolution is determined by their experiences and response to discovery. Really like this amplification, but try to elaborate on discovery - I'd replace it with something like 'transformative experiences' or similar. Discovery by itself doesn't mean much, because it is so broad. Hence, the extent as to which change being the ‘most’ significant ramification of discovery is determined by one’s willingness to make connections people and places and is also determined by how intense and personal the discovery is. A little bit of a syntax error there, read that sentence aloud. It's missing a word/thought somewhere I think? The planned discovery in Ivan O’Mahoney’s televised SBS documentary series Go Back To Where You Came From explores how change is a ramification through the discovery of the refugee reality, however the most significant ramification is determined by one’s willingness to explore. The poem Mid-Term Break by Seamus Heanny conveys how change is most definitely a ramification of an emotional discovery. Different types of discoveries have different ramifications based on the experiences found on one’s process of discovery, hence change is significant at times but not so at other times. I feel like this introduction has all the pieces, but everything hasn't quite been linked. Particularly, I'm looking for a more specific and coherent concept. A bit more detail about what is changing, why it is changing - More elaboration of the key ideas presented in the question. Right now, I can't really take everything you have talked about in the intro and summarise it in a sentence - I should be able to do this easily!
Mahoney clearly shows how one’s willingness to make connections with their surroundings determines the degree as to which they will change as a result of discovering. Discovering what? Again, remember that the term discovery needs to be elaborated as it is used. The confronting discoveries experienced in Go Back To Where You Came From were evoked by a careful planning process. Adam Hartup is introduced at the start of the documentary through a close-up shot and personal interview. The mis-en-scene of the coastal background supports his claims of being a ‘shire boy,’ before he states that all boat people are ‘criminals.’ Great use of techniques! Be careful that you actually do something with them though - Right now you are close to just restating what happened in the text. That is retell! Similarly, a close-up shot of Darren introduces him as a firm believer that “all people who arrive by boat without documentation should be immediately expatriated.” LOVE that you integrate the quote into your sentence - That is really tricky to do well, nicely done. How does this relate to your concept though? Again, be sure to do something with your evidence. His high modality tone indicates that Darren is not very willing to be receptive to the future discoveries he will make. Thus demonstrating __________ for the audience. What is the composer trying to convey? Conversely, despite Adam calling refugees “criminals” he does acknowledge through dialogue that he is “apprehensive.” His apprehensive choice of words indicates that he recognises that he is not controlling the situation and is open to the way how this planned journey will affect him. How does this relate to the concept? Right now you are explaining what happens in the text, you need to go bigger. Relate it to the concept you are exploring in a broader sense - Don't just explain what the technique reveals about the characters. This difference in readiness to make connections to their discoveries, affect their personal ramifications of the discovery and is particularly highlighted in the Malaysian Raid Scene. You started to go conceptual in the first half of that sentence! The hand-held camera and night-vision allows the audience to be integrated into the raid and creating a real experience, giving rise to an appreciation of the circumstances and discoveries. There we go - Excellent audience integration. The zoom up of Adam’s face reveals the devastation he is witnessing and how the discovery of the treatment of refugees has surprised and challenged him. Again - Go bigger than characters. Contrasting to Adam’s experience, Darren only makes a blunt comment on how impressed he was by the size of the convoy as he calls the situation “pretty pumpy,” while subtly smiling, revealed by the close-up shot. Adam’s discovery that challenged and changed his views was made much earlier than Darren purely because Adam was aware and open to make connections with people and places. Retell. Through dialogue he states, “if I were one of them…I’d get on a boat,” highlighting that when one encounters a confronting and provocative discovery, their perception of the outside world are altered. That's better - See how you talked about a concept more broadly than just the text there? You didn't just explain the character, you pointed to the character and said 'This characters shows us ________ about discovery. Nice! For Darren however, it was only when he was speaking with Wasmi’s mother, when he began to appreciate the complexity of the refugee issue. This is where he was willing to be open and make a genuine connection with a person, highlighting how relationships between individuals can stimulate their process of discovery leading to a renewed transformation of self. A close-up shot of Darren when asked what he would do about the Australian refugee issue, reveals the surprising truth as he says “’It’s difficult question to answer,” emphasising how one may question or reflect upon their assumptions when confronted with provocative discoveries. Great. The difference in response by Adam and Darren to the challenging and confronting discovery of the refugee life was determined by their original willingness to make connections. Though both participants did change as a consequence of discovering the refugee reality, it wasn’t the most significant ramification. (should I give an example of what the most significant ramification was or do I just leave it there) I think a little more elaboration would help here - So perhaps you should compare it to the most significant ramification. Could work a little better.
The statement “the most significant ramification of any discovery is change” is also challenged by Gleny’s character in Go Back. Gleny was already empathetic and had thorough knowledge towards refugees. Retell. Her personal interviews show evidence of this “I would love to have a refugee come and stay with me, I think detention centres are inhumane.” Technique? Through the social experiment, she does willingly explore the life of a refugee which emotionally affects her, as seen through her concerned tone in “It’s a very tense situation.” However, by the end of her journey, she doesn’t necessarily change or her prior assumptions and beliefs are not challenged, revealed in her statement,” we take our freedom for granted.” Rather her discovery of the harsh refugee crisis, reaffirmed her beliefs. Hence the statement “the most significant ramification of any discovery is change,” is proven incorrect through Gleny’s journey, showing that the most significant ramification of any discovery can also be a sense of relief and confirmation to one’s assumptions and initial views. Nice connection to the question at the end there - But this analysis was a little too character focused. No broader extrapolation. Further, look at the length of your paragraphs here - This one is much shorter than the others. This creates a significant imbalance - You need to bring everything a little closer together.
Contrasting to Go Back, Mid-Term Break reveals how one’s experience of discovering something tragic, does result in change. Nice transition to your ORT, very smooth. A deep and meaningful discovery is revealed in Mid-Term Break, which was not evoked by a carefully planned process, but of a spontaneous and unexpected death. Nice elaboration. The father undergoes a personal and emotional discovery as he discovers the death of his son. Retell - Always ask yourself, 'Would someone who has read the text get anything new from this sentence?' The narrator expresses “I met my father crying,” which contrasts against him always taking “funerals by his stride.” This strongly highlights how significant an emotional and personal discovery can be as it changes one’s mental stability, as the situation has become personal. Good concept - But there was no technique there. Your analysis must have a technique! The father’s ‘change’ is also reemphasised through the poem’s historical context. The poem was set in the 1950s, where the figure of a father was patriarchal and was not expected to show much emotion. However, the discovery of the father’s son in this poem challenges this expectation, accentuating that the most significant response of any discovery, particularly the discovery of a family member, is change. Elaborate here - What changes? The evolution of human perceptivity is largely driven by a certain experience that occurred before a sudden discovery. The mother’s response to the sudden discovery of death is expressed through the emotive language “coughed out angry, tearless sighs,” indicating that she had already cried and accepted the outcome, and now the only next emotion she is able to express is anger. This highlights the change in emotional response that discovery results in. The implication here is that she cried so much that there is nothing more to cry but incensed by the driver’s failure to avoid her son, “the bumper knocked him clear,” highlighting how the discovery changed her in the sense that she came to understand the reality of the situation, forcing her to express her anger. Therefore, Mid-Term Break’s reveals that change being a significant ramification of discovery, purely relies on the intensity of the discovery, which would determine the extent as to which one will change. It is when an individual is in a time of difficult, their values can influence their process of discovery, resulting in a transformative change for the individual. Little syntax error in the middle there, 'time of difficult' needs a fix.
Change being the most significant ramification of discovery is conveyed in Mid-Term Break but not to a great extent in Go Back To Where You Came From. Try to start your conclusion with a conceptual statement - Essentially a restatement of your Thesis. It is the willingness to make connections with one’s surroundings and how personal the discovery is that truly determines whether a change is a significant ramification of discovery. This conclusion is a little short - Try to elaborate on the ideas you've explored just a little bit more.
I think this essay has a lot going for it. Excellent use of techniques in almost all areas (a few places where it was missing), some great concepts at play too. Let me give you two main points to work on in addition to the comments throughout:
1 - The big place for you to cut down your word count is on textual retell. There are sections where you are retelling events, explaining the thoughts/impacts on characters, and similar. This is textual retell because it isn't directly communicating everything about your concept. You need to ensure every sentence (or every set of sentences on the same idea) has a direct link to the concept. You did this really well in some places (and I identify where), but in many places it becomes too 'text driven.' This happens when you focus on the characters and the plot, rather than the concept.
Trim your words by trimming the retell.
2- Work on your conceptual clarity. There are a number of places (and again, I tell you where in a few spots) where I'm looking for a bit of elaboration. Your paragraphs keep the focus on a single idea for the most part, but at times your exploration of that idea is a little superficial. Reducing retell and improving your conceptual approach could address this automatically. What would also help is tidying up your Thesis - More clearly defining what you consider to be 'change,' why it happens, and what affects it. This will make the paragraphs feel more cohesive and perhaps make the whole essay a little more conceptually direct.
As a final tip - Remember that all your analysis should go to TEA: Technique, Explain, Audience. With every quote; identify the technique(s) used, explain the composer's intention/link to the concept, then acknowledge the impact it has on the audience. This is a great way to ensure you keep away from a text-focused response - Notice there is nowhere in that template for explaining plot/characters :)
I hope this is helpful! Let me know if I can elaborate on this feedback for you :)
Post by: armtistic on January 13, 2017, 11:18:32 am
After a few hiccups with related texts I've finally managed to put together an essay and I'd appreciate if someone could look over it ;D
I probably need to cut down on this essay and also include more impacts on the audience so if you find anywhere I could cut down or insert those things that'd be great too ;D
As a side-note, should linking sentences relate the idea of a paragraph more to the thesis statement or to the question itself?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 13, 2017, 01:38:15 pm
Hi,
After a few hiccups with related texts I've finally managed to put together an essay and I'd appreciate if someone could look over it ;D
I probably need to cut down on this essay and also include more impacts on the audience so if you find anywhere I could cut down or insert those things that'd be great too ;D
As a side-note, should linking sentences relate the idea of a paragraph more to the thesis statement or to the question itself?
Sure! I'll probably get on that tonight, but maybe a little longer ;D
On that side note - Your linking sentence should bring the idea of your paragraph together with your Thesis statement. It can link a bit to the question too, it can be a good thing to add - But the key is to make it clear that the idea you've just discussed is related to your Thesis ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 14, 2017, 03:01:38 pm
Hi,
After a few hiccups with related texts I've finally managed to put together an essay and I'd appreciate if someone could look over it ;D
I probably need to cut down on this essay and also include more impacts on the audience so if you find anywhere I could cut down or insert those things that'd be great too ;D
As a side-note, should linking sentences relate the idea of a paragraph more to the thesis statement or to the question itself?
Alright here you are! Your essay is attached in the spoiler below with comments throughout in bold:
Essay
“Experiencing beyond our horizons allows us to achieve greater understandings and form renewed perceptions of ourselves and others.” To what degree do your texts support this statement?
Venturing beyond our own horizons, as well as experiencing the worlds of others, will often lead to experiences of self-realization and prompt change within ourselves and those we meet. Great Thesis - I'd like to see you elaborate on it a bit more though. What sorts of things change, perhaps? Just to go a bit beyond just restating the question itself. Michael Gow’s play Away and Stephen Chbosky’s film The Perks of Being a Wallflower, both demonstrate that it is through the prodigious and inquisitive nature of youth that discoveries are made or precipitated. Excellent introduction to the texts. However, whilst Gow argues the necessity of understanding or undergoing loss and recovery in order to renew ourselves, Chbosky suggests that merely confronting loss, if not overcoming it, is vital to discovery. Together, these texts demonstrate that it is delving outside our comfort zones that allow a discovery to instigate greater understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. Not much I can suggest here at all - This is a great introduction!! You may wish to briefly mention your paragraph topics to give the reader some knowledge of what is to come.
The potent enthusiasm of youth and its ability to trigger change and reformation is a pervading aspect of Gow’s Away. Great! The youth are progressive and creative and, ironically, serve as role models for the adults, exemplified through the characters of Meg and her mother. Gow’s use of juxtaposition in, “It was the girl’s idea completely… my wife, gave up… But the girl kept on at me,” highlights the contrasting ideals of Meg’s youthful vitality - which inspires change and determination - against Gwen’s resigned adult sobriety - which dissuades any opportunity for discoveries to be made. Fantastic analysis - Try to link it to the audience just a little bit more though! Right now it's sitting a little too text focused. In “Mum just wanted to get back to the Pinocleen and Rinso,” Gow uses the cleaning products as symbols of the bleak sterility of the life Gwen has grown accustomed to; demonstrating to the audience the incompatibility of the sombre adult mentality and the process of discovery unless in the presence of catalysts such as Meg. Excellent - If you are looking to trim words, you don't strictly need to tie the technique to the Gwen character. You can do the analysis without linking to the plot. That said, this is a fantastic start to this paragraph!
Tom, through his awareness of his mortality, is able to live with presence and empathize with people for who they are. This is a little bit retell-esque; try not to describe characters/plot elements by themselves, it doesn't do anything for you! When discussing Coral, Gow uses the dialogue between Meg and Tom – “is she crazy?” “She has been, she’s better now” - to highlight that it is Tom’s youthful open-mindedness that allows him to connect with Coral and become “great friends” where Roy’s dated approach failed. What does this show the audience? The greatest curative impact occurs within his allegorical play-within-a-play as he uses the line “You must no longer dwell with the whales… Go back to the land,” as a didacticism directed towards his parents and Coral - and doubtless the responder too - declaring that they must move on and return to reality after the undoubtedly painful discovery of death. I would, just ditch the bit about the parents and Coral, and just say the responder. That should always be your focus anyway! In forcing the adults outside their rigid horizons, the children demonstrate the insularity of Gwen’s lifeless adult mentality, but also their ability to engender discoveries in Coral who finally understands that she must continue to live despite the death of her son. This second half of the paragraph is a little too text focused. If you read through, you'll see you are relying just a bit more on the text, and its borderline retell at times. Try to abstract right out of the text - Pull right back until you are saying just, "This technique shows THIS to the audience." No plot details/characters necessary :)
Similarly, Chbosky’s coming-of-age film Perks follows the remarkable yet troubled youth, Charlie, as he explores the intrigues of social connection whilst still trying to discover himself. Try to explore the concept a bit more than just the plot of the film; again, avoid being too text focused. As he enters high school, Charlie is a loner who suffers from PTSD following the death of his much-loved Aunt Helen. That's retell. He eventually falls in with colourful step-siblings Patrick and Samantha and joins their circle of friends, discovering a sense of place, evidenced by the internal monologue “My favourite time, though, is lunch because I get to see Sam and Patrick.” Good start to introducing the concept - But still too text focused. The high-key lighting in the cafeteria combined with the enthusiastic body language as the friends argue cuts to a close-up of Charlie’s smiling face indicating that, in a manner similar to Coral, the unexpected rediscovery of human connection has allowed him to overcome his social anxiety, an issue many responders can relate to. Better again - Now you are tying in the audience! This is great. Still a tad too character focused - See below for an example of how I'd write this.
Charlie not only experiences his own self-discoveries, but enables those of others as well. After a disappointing result in her SAT, Charlie offers to tutor Sam to success. Retell. Through this, Sam – whose self-esteem has suffered due to poor marks and failed relationships – is provided a renewed sense of self- belief, which she attributes to Charlie, admitting she feels she now has “a chance.” Retell. Chbosky uses soft lighting and facial expressions as Sam tears up at Charlies heartfelt “It’s true. You can do it,” in order to convey that, through his youthful earnestness, Charlie catalyses Sam’s realisation of her self-worth. Thus, it is evident that in Charlie’s venturing beyond his horizons he forms renewed perceptions of himself and helps others do the same. Definitely more audience recognition required here, quite a significant chunk of this is textual retell. This is where you should focus on trimming your word count!
In Away, Gow demonstrates the necessity of undergoing and accepting loss in order to make realisations about ourselves and renew our understanding of others. Excellent first sentence. When “The fairies return and stage a spectacular storm,” Gow alludes to a similar metatheatrical storm in Shakespeare’s King Lear in order to emphasise that stripping away Gwen’s worldly possessions is necessary in opening her to discoveries. Whilst walking with Vic in the next Act, Gow uses emotional imagery in the stage directions “The women come back. They have been crying and are supporting each other,” to indicate that in Gwen’s raw state, having lost the occluding layers of material trappings in the storm, she is receptive to Vic’s suffering - her loss of home, hope and child - and is hence able to find herself. Excellent analysis - A bit more audience recognition would elevate it further!
Roy makes similar realisations after losing his wife, Coral. Through the contrast of his threatening tone in “I’ll lock you up if that’s what it takes,” and the atmosphere of helplessness as he begs Coral to “Please, please stop doing it to me,” Gow allows the audience to empathise with Roy’s frustration at the transformative impact of their son’s death on Coral. Excellent - What understanding/conceptual meaning is garnered through this empathy? What is the composer trying to teach the audience? It is only when she leaves that Roy again remembers the experience of loss and, thus, discovers empathy and the ability to connect with Coral. Retell. As the play comes to a close, the two are reunited and “Roy… kisses the shells and her hands.” Retell. The omission of dialogue signifies that the couple’s newfound understanding of each other as they rediscover their lost love. Gow uses Gwen’s transformation and Roy’s dynamic characterisation throughout the play as vehicles to convey the concept that experiencing loss, or exploring the loss of another, is essential to self-realisation and greater awareness of others. This analysis is not as powerful as what you did in your first paragraph - See if you can compare the two and see the difference!
Likewise, by coming to terms with his loss and making new discoveries, Charlie is able to transform his outlook on life. When Charlie causes a schism in the group and loses their support, his PTSD resurfaces, indicating that his earlier discovery of love and friendship had only palliated his struggle. Retell. As he attends Church, he has abrupt flashbacks of the scars on Helen’s wrists. Retell. Chbosky juxtaposes the hallowed ideals of Easter Mass and the grievous sin of self-harm to underline Charlie’s own internal division resulting from his fear of exploring his past. What does this show the audience? Chbosky enters Charlie’s point of view to allow the audience to empathise with his anguish as amongst his repressed memories Charlie discovers his Aunt Helen molested him. He suffers from a breakdown and the flashbacks worsen; Chbosky uses rapid cross-cutting between Charlie’s crying face and his memories of the suffering he’s witnessed to emphasise to the responder that the repression of his most harrowing discoveries only exacerbated his existing loss. Better - What you need to start doing is generalising your conceptual statements. We don't want to learn things about the characters, we want to learn things about DISCOVERY as a whole. As it is, you are focusing more on how we gain insight into the characters. The disjointed, fast-paced structure creates a disconcerting and unstable experience for the viewers; mimicking Charlies own confusion and distress. This allows the audience to engage with the character’s experiences on a deeper level, and prompts them to consider or potentially rediscover and confront their own hidden and repressed memories. Fantastic - Excellent audience consideration. Hence, forced beyond his comfort zone by the loss of support, Charlie makes an unwelcome yet necessary finding; and in a cathartic expulsion of pain he comes to the understanding that “we can’t choose where we come from, but we can choose where we go from there.” Ensure that you have a proper conclusion for your paragraphs - This still feels a little open to me.
Hence, exiting or being forced outside of our comfort zones and experiencing beyond what we know allows us to re-evaluate our understanding of ourselves and our impact on others. Excellent. Gow and Chbosky effectively argue the ability of the youth to undergo and enact change in their generation but also to act as transformative agents for others. In similar fashions, both composers also enforce the idea that loss can open pathways to discovery but only if one can accept and overcome its effects. In light of these notions we are driven to consider the extent to which we, as youth, re-evaluate and augment the discoveries made by our predecessors and to rethink our understanding of loss. Great conclusion - Excellent length. Many conclusions are too short but yours rounds everything out nicely.
Venturing beyond our own horizons, as well as experiencing the worlds of others, will often lead to experiences of self-realization and prompt change within ourselves and those we meet. Great Thesis - I'd like to see you elaborate on it a bit more though. What sorts of things change, perhaps? Just to go a bit beyond just restating the question itself. Michael Gow’s play Away and Stephen Chbosky’s film The Perks of Being a Wallflower, both demonstrate that it is through the prodigious and inquisitive nature of youth that discoveries are made or precipitated. Excellent introduction to the texts. However, whilst Gow argues the necessity of understanding or undergoing loss and recovery in order to renew ourselves, Chbosky suggests that merely confronting loss, if not overcoming it, is vital to discovery. Together, these texts demonstrate that it is delving outside our comfort zones that allow a discovery to instigate greater understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. Not much I can suggest here at all - This is a great introduction!! You may wish to briefly mention your paragraph topics to give the reader some knowledge of what is to come.
The potent enthusiasm of youth and its ability to trigger change and reformation is a pervading aspect of Gow’s Away. Great! The youth are progressive and creative and, ironically, serve as role models for the adults, exemplified through the characters of Meg and her mother. Gow’s use of juxtaposition in, “It was the girl’s idea completely… my wife, gave up… But the girl kept on at me,” highlights the contrasting ideals of Meg’s youthful vitality - which inspires change and determination - against Gwen’s resigned adult sobriety - which dissuades any opportunity for discoveries to be made. Fantastic analysis - Try to link it to the audience just a little bit more though! Right now it's sitting a little too text focused. In “Mum just wanted to get back to the Pinocleen and Rinso,” Gow uses the cleaning products as symbols of the bleak sterility of the life Gwen has grown accustomed to; demonstrating to the audience the incompatibility of the sombre adult mentality and the process of discovery unless in the presence of catalysts such as Meg. Excellent - If you are looking to trim words, you don't strictly need to tie the technique to the Gwen character. You can do the analysis without linking to the plot. That said, this is a fantastic start to this paragraph!
Tom, through his awareness of his mortality, is able to live with presence and empathize with people for who they are. This is a little bit retell-esque; try not to describe characters/plot elements by themselves, it doesn't do anything for you! When discussing Coral, Gow uses the dialogue between Meg and Tom – “is she crazy?” “She has been, she’s better now” - to highlight that it is Tom’s youthful open-mindedness that allows him to connect with Coral and become “great friends” where Roy’s dated approach failed. What does this show the audience? The greatest curative impact occurs within his allegorical play-within-a-play as he uses the line “You must no longer dwell with the whales… Go back to the land,” as a didacticism directed towards his parents and Coral - and doubtless the responder too - declaring that they must move on and return to reality after the undoubtedly painful discovery of death. I would, just ditch the bit about the parents and Coral, and just say the responder. That should always be your focus anyway! In forcing the adults outside their rigid horizons, the children demonstrate the insularity of Gwen’s lifeless adult mentality, but also their ability to engender discoveries in Coral who finally understands that she must continue to live despite the death of her son. This second half of the paragraph is a little too text focused. If you read through, you'll see you are relying just a bit more on the text, and its borderline retell at times. Try to abstract right out of the text - Pull right back until you are saying just, "This technique shows THIS to the audience." No plot details/characters necessary :)
Similarly, Chbosky’s coming-of-age film Perks follows the remarkable yet troubled youth, Charlie, as he explores the intrigues of social connection whilst still trying to discover himself. Try to explore the concept a bit more than just the plot of the film; again, avoid being too text focused. As he enters high school, Charlie is a loner who suffers from PTSD following the death of his much-loved Aunt Helen. That's retell. He eventually falls in with colourful step-siblings Patrick and Samantha and joins their circle of friends, discovering a sense of place, evidenced by the internal monologue “My favourite time, though, is lunch because I get to see Sam and Patrick.” Good start to introducing the concept - But still too text focused. The high-key lighting in the cafeteria combined with the enthusiastic body language as the friends argue cuts to a close-up of Charlie’s smiling face indicating that, in a manner similar to Coral, the unexpected rediscovery of human connection has allowed him to overcome his social anxiety, an issue many responders can relate to. Better again - Now you are tying in the audience! This is great. Still a tad too character focused - See below for an example of how I'd write this.
Charlie not only experiences his own self-discoveries, but enables those of others as well. After a disappointing result in her SAT, Charlie offers to tutor Sam to success. Retell. Through this, Sam – whose self-esteem has suffered due to poor marks and failed relationships – is provided a renewed sense of self- belief, which she attributes to Charlie, admitting she feels she now has “a chance.” Retell. Chbosky uses soft lighting and facial expressions as Sam tears up at Charlies heartfelt “It’s true. You can do it,” in order to convey that, through his youthful earnestness, Charlie catalyses Sam’s realisation of her self-worth. Thus, it is evident that in Charlie’s venturing beyond his horizons he forms renewed perceptions of himself and helps others do the same. Definitely more audience recognition required here, quite a significant chunk of this is textual retell. This is where you should focus on trimming your word count!
In Away, Gow demonstrates the necessity of undergoing and accepting loss in order to make realisations about ourselves and renew our understanding of others. Excellent first sentence. When “The fairies return and stage a spectacular storm,” Gow alludes to a similar metatheatrical storm in Shakespeare’s King Lear in order to emphasise that stripping away Gwen’s worldly possessions is necessary in opening her to discoveries. Whilst walking with Vic in the next Act, Gow uses emotional imagery in the stage directions “The women come back. They have been crying and are supporting each other,” to indicate that in Gwen’s raw state, having lost the occluding layers of material trappings in the storm, she is receptive to Vic’s suffering - her loss of home, hope and child - and is hence able to find herself. Excellent analysis - A bit more audience recognition would elevate it further!
Roy makes similar realisations after losing his wife, Coral. Through the contrast of his threatening tone in “I’ll lock you up if that’s what it takes,” and the atmosphere of helplessness as he begs Coral to “Please, please stop doing it to me,” Gow allows the audience to empathise with Roy’s frustration at the transformative impact of their son’s death on Coral. Excellent - What understanding/conceptual meaning is garnered through this empathy? What is the composer trying to teach the audience? It is only when she leaves that Roy again remembers the experience of loss and, thus, discovers empathy and the ability to connect with Coral. Retell. As the play comes to a close, the two are reunited and “Roy… kisses the shells and her hands.” Retell. The omission of dialogue signifies that the couple’s newfound understanding of each other as they rediscover their lost love. Gow uses Gwen’s transformation and Roy’s dynamic characterisation throughout the play as vehicles to convey the concept that experiencing loss, or exploring the loss of another, is essential to self-realisation and greater awareness of others. This analysis is not as powerful as what you did in your first paragraph - See if you can compare the two and see the difference!
Likewise, by coming to terms with his loss and making new discoveries, Charlie is able to transform his outlook on life. When Charlie causes a schism in the group and loses their support, his PTSD resurfaces, indicating that his earlier discovery of love and friendship had only palliated his struggle. Retell. As he attends Church, he has abrupt flashbacks of the scars on Helen’s wrists. Retell. Chbosky juxtaposes the hallowed ideals of Easter Mass and the grievous sin of self-harm to underline Charlie’s own internal division resulting from his fear of exploring his past. What does this show the audience? Chbosky enters Charlie’s point of view to allow the audience to empathise with his anguish as amongst his repressed memories Charlie discovers his Aunt Helen molested him. He suffers from a breakdown and the flashbacks worsen; Chbosky uses rapid cross-cutting between Charlie’s crying face and his memories of the suffering he’s witnessed to emphasise to the responder that the repression of his most harrowing discoveries only exacerbated his existing loss. Better - What you need to start doing is generalising your conceptual statements. We don't want to learn things about the characters, we want to learn things about DISCOVERY as a whole. As it is, you are focusing more on how we gain insight into the characters. The disjointed, fast-paced structure creates a disconcerting and unstable experience for the viewers; mimicking Charlies own confusion and distress. This allows the audience to engage with the character’s experiences on a deeper level, and prompts them to consider or potentially rediscover and confront their own hidden and repressed memories. Fantastic - Excellent audience consideration. Hence, forced beyond his comfort zone by the loss of support, Charlie makes an unwelcome yet necessary finding; and in a cathartic expulsion of pain he comes to the understanding that “we can’t choose where we come from, but we can choose where we go from there.” Ensure that you have a proper conclusion for your paragraphs - This still feels a little open to me.
Hence, exiting or being forced outside of our comfort zones and experiencing beyond what we know allows us to re-evaluate our understanding of ourselves and our impact on others. Excellent. Gow and Chbosky effectively argue the ability of the youth to undergo and enact change in their generation but also to act as transformative agents for others. In similar fashions, both composers also enforce the idea that loss can open pathways to discovery but only if one can accept and overcome its effects. In light of these notions we are driven to consider the extent to which we, as youth, re-evaluate and augment the discoveries made by our predecessors and to rethink our understanding of loss. Great conclusion - Excellent length. Many conclusions are too short but yours rounds everything out nicely.
There is some absolutely killer analysis here armtistic! Fantastic concepts set up in a brilliant introduction/Thesis and rounded out nicely in an effective conclusion. Everything flows extremely well conceptually. You also have a great writing style that lets you blend analysis and conceptual statements in an extremely concise manner - It's all integrated very, very well. Basically, this easily has the potential to be a Band 6 essay, some really brilliant stuff! ;D
So you do need to introduce some more audience impact/recognition - I noted a few potential places to include it. What you need to focus on first is eliminating retell. Particularly when discussing your ORT, you slip into retelling plot elements, describing characters, and then loosely describing how these represent aspects of Discovery. You also tend to discuss what the audience learns about the characters just as much as what we learn about Discovery. This comes together to form a response that is a little too text focused.
I want you to go through and mark any sentence (and I marked a few) that retells a part of the story, or describes something that a character learned, and scrap it (EG = After a disappointing result in her SAT, Charlie offers to tutor Sam to success. - That is pure retell). You need to always be focusing on Discovery conceptually. The audience can learn about characters, sure, but that is just a means to us learning about Discovery more broadly and more conceptually. The characters are a means to an end; they are puppets through which the composer is communicating conceptual ideas. So, you never say things that a technique reveals about a character, its what they reveal about aspects of Discovery.
Trimming this retell should cut your word count down too, which is a bonus!
This is often a really subtle distinction. Take this example of a sentence which works really well, but does also still have a text-focused element to it:
The high-key lighting in the cafeteria combined with the enthusiastic body language as the friends argue cuts to a close-up of Charlie’s smiling face indicating that, in a manner similar to Coral, the unexpected rediscovery of human connection has allowed him to overcome his social anxiety, an issue many responders can relate to.
This could instead be (very roughly, not familiar with the details of the film and I barely remember the novel, lol):
The high-key lighting in the cafeteria, combined with enthusiastic body language and a close-up of Charlie’s smiling face during an argument, shows the responder how unexpected rediscoveries of human connection allow individuals to overcome social anxiety.
This is less text focused - Because it recognises that the composer talks directly to the responder through their use of techniques. We don't use the characters as a stepping stone.
Don't let this feedback discourage you - Because the fact that I'm picking you up on this is a really good thing. It means that your analysis is sound, your concepts are sound, and your style is sound. This is pretty much the final step to really hammering home a Band 6 essay - Truly abstracting from the text. It's hard to do - But you are already doing it in places :)
All in all, some really fantastic stuff in here. A bit more hard work and I guarantee it will be in the Band 6 range! ;D
Post by: armtistic on January 14, 2017, 06:00:56 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 14, 2017, 11:44:14 pm
Thanks Jamon for your feedback :)
I was wondering whether I could get the essay remarked? Also, could you give tips on how to make the intro more concise? I was thinking of cutting out the paragraph about Gleny because I feel like it doesn't quite make the essay flow. The only reason I had put Gleny's discovery in was because the questions asked to 'DISCUSS' and Gleny's character contrasted to the other participants. This leads me to my next question, do I have to give a 'for and against' for 'discuss' questions. Also could you give me a rough mark /15 for that essay.
Thank you very much :)
You definitely can - You'll need to meet the quota of 45 posts for your next bit of feedback ;D
I think the length of your intro is sitting roughly where it should be - When I wrote my introductions, I normally followed this template:
- 1 Sentence Thesis
- 1 Sentence Amplification/Extra Detail on Thesis to link to question
- 1 Sentence Introducing Texts
- 1 Sentence Listing Paragraph Topics
- 1 Sentence Wrap Up
So, five sentences. You've got six, so pretty much on par! Perhaps bringing your first three sentences together into just a Thesis and amplification could help? Or introducing both of your texts in a single sentence?
I think removing the Gleny paragraph could definitely work - It is the weakest of the three due to its length, it could definitely be worth removing. At that stage, you have two paragraphs remaining in an essay. It could be worth splitting the two paragraphs into four - This will make it more palatable for the reader.
So for Discuss questions in English, it doesn't have to be a black and white 'for and against' argument. In this subject it merely means for you to present different perspectives on the same idea - It doesn't have to be entirely contrasted. I think you do lose a bit of that by removing the Gleny paragraph, but you could get it back by making more explicit comparisons between your prescribed text and ORT. What differences in perspective do they convey? As it stands, I'd say you are doing this reasonably well at the moment.
Don't give my mark estimate too much credit, because it is just that, an estimate! But I'd say the essay I read the other day was at roughly 9-10/15 :)
Post by: shreya_ajoshi on January 23, 2017, 12:15:34 pm
This is my response to the 2015 HSC essay question.
Hoping that I have improved!!!
Thanks for checking it :)
Post by: stephsteph_xx on January 23, 2017, 03:35:02 pm
Post by: bsdfjnlkasn on January 23, 2017, 09:03:10 pm
Hi can you please check my essay? Thank youu!!!
Hey Steph! Welcome to the forums!
ATAR notes has a policy where you need to have accumulated 15 posts for every piece of feedback on an essay. This just makes sure that the moderators don't get flooded with essays to mark and also ensures that the AN community is always growing. Plus, it's not too hard to pick up your post count you just need to hang around for a bit and i'm sure you'll find things to reply to/ask questions about :)
Full essay marking rules are available here :)
I hope you have fun getting to know the website - it's great!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 23, 2017, 09:15:25 pm
Hey Steph! Welcome to the forums!
ATAR notes has a policy where you need to have accumulated 15 posts for every piece of feedback on an essay. This just makes sure that the moderators don't get flooded with essays to mark and also ensures that the AN community is always growing. Plus, it's not too hard to pick up your post count you just need to hang around for a bit and i'm sure you'll find things to reply to/ask questions about :)
Full essay marking rules are available here :)
I hope you have fun getting to know the website - it's great!
Couldn't have said it better myself - You'd make a great mod ;)
Hi can you please check my essay? Thank youu!!!
Welcome Steph! Let us know if you need a hand finding stuff, happy to have you around ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on January 24, 2017, 05:09:58 pm
Heyo!!
This is my response to the 2015 HSC essay question.
Hoping that I have improved!!!
Thanks for checking it :)
Hey there!
Spoiler
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known. How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
The process of discovering is an emotionally intense process which uncovers the truth and makes one’s No need for the apostrophe here, potentially no need for the S either. reassess their values and ideas. Ivan O’Mahoney’s televised SBS Documentary Go Back To Where You Came From and the short story Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri both explore the nature of discoveries which make individuals see themselves and the world around them differently. O’Mahoney explores how confronting discoveries along with the connections with people and places one makes, assist in renewing their perceptions of the world while Lahiri conveys how self-discoveries and transformative experiences unveil the truth. Together they both demonstrate how the process of discovery does involve revealing what is hidden and re-examining what is known which ultimately allows us to gain greater understandings and fresh perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. I like how you very naturally engage with the question here - it flows wonderfully. I am inclined to answer the question sooner in the paragraph, rather than later. Because for the first three or four sentences, there's no note of the question at all. Your first sentence deals with discovery wonderfully, but I feel like it could benefit from having one of these end ideas supporting it earlier on.
The willingness to explore and make connections with people and places through transformative experiences is the process of discovery that is an ongoing aspect of Go Back To Where You Came From. This is quite a wordy sentence and I get to the end not really realising what the argument is. i suggest that you go back and take out the end bit where you talk about the text, and leave it without. Then introduce the text in the next sentence where you talk about Adam.Adam’s character I'd go for the word persona, more. highlights the notion that discoveries can release ideas that were previously unrecognised, ultimately forcing one to reconsider what was known. The mis-en-scene of the coastal background with Adam in a personal interview where he states that all boat people are ‘criminals’ shows that he lacks an understanding and sympathy for refugees. Rather than saying that this shows a lack of understanding, perhaps mention WHY it is a misunderstanding. For example, mention that as the plot continues, we can contrast his opinion to the plot, and recognise the learning and discoveries. Rather than you saying its a misunderstanding, it's right now just his opinion. Later in the text it is recognised as a misunderstanding, but not yet. However, despite Adam calling refugees ‘criminals’ he does acknowledge through dialogue that he is “apprehensive. in the close-up shot... Try to double techniques here if you can, and explain the situation where he recognises this. So, maybe even the mise-en-scene, from memory this is in the establishing interview? So he has surf in the background? Feel free to analyse that as well, implying his Australian lifestyle, thus showing his representation of a slice of Australian demographics.
His apprehensive choice of words His choice of words isn't apprehensive, HE is apprehensive. indicates that he recognises he is not controlling the situation and will be faced with situations that are out of his comfort zone, hence discovering the reality. This will allow him to gain further clarity and fulfillment about his past beliefs. These last two sentences are very literal in what they present, and I think you could do it in one sentence rather than two. Here's an example of how I'd talk about it..." Adam's acknowledgement of being apprehensive shows his willingness to be receptive to discoveries, because his stance apprehends change. This readiness to make connections to one’s discoveries is highlighted in the Malaysian Raid Scene. The hand-held camera and night vision allows the audience to be integrated into the raid and creating a real experience, giving rise to an appreciation of the antagonising circumstances and discoveries. This part here is amazing, you establish the technique, ground it in the doc, and then explain the significance. No mucking around, just perfect.The zoom up of Adam’s face reveals the devastation he is witnessing and how the discovery of the treatment of refugees has surprised him and challenged him, accentuating how the process of discovery causes one to reflect upon personal beliefs and face the harsh reality when confronted with provocative discoveries. The acceptance and clarification of discovery is stated through his dialogue, “if I were one of them…I’d get on a boat,” highlighting that his process of discovery was emotionally intense as he was faced with confronting scenarios which enabled him to reconsider his values and beliefs. You can contrast this to him calling them criminals, just to tie it all together.This ramification highlights how powerful the process of discovery can be in altering perceptions permanently. Adam’s warm tone in “I won’t see them as illegal. That’s basically too harsh of a title…” as he reflects upon his experience of his journey reveals the new perspectives he has attained. This transformation illuminates how these transformative experiences of discovering the truth and re-examining what was known changes one. Therefore, the process of discovering definitely involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering one’s values, leading to fresher perceptions of the world. So good, a really solid ending there. You deal with Adam's transformative so well!
Similar to Go Back To Where You Came From, Inteprepter of Maladies reveals how one’s process of discovery involves discovering something meaningful. Through its intimate view of relationships, it proves the interesting nature of discovering something may not always prove successful but can bring insight, inspiration and a broadened outlook. The contrast between the two different opinions of Mrs Das and Mr Kapasi’s wife in “Unlike his wife, she has reminded him of its intellectual changes” illustrates how relationship catalyse an ironic discovery of an individual’s lost identity, hence uncovering what was hidden. These relationships along with a new-found identity made the discovery meaningful and provided a broad outlook on life making him re-consider his identity. The emotive language in “Mr Kapasi don’t you have anything to say? I thought that was your job,” highlights the difficulty of communication between adults as Mrs Kas believes that she has privileged him by confiding her secrets in him, but he is insulted that she would tell him such disreputable personal matters. This breakdown in communication is heart wrenching as they discovered that they were wrong in reaching out for each other, challenging their idea of forming a friendship. It highlights how discoveries can generate re-evaluation of societal relationships, ultimately renewing one’s perceptions of the world around them. The narrator’s thorough description of Mr Kapasi’s address fluttering away from Mrs Das’ purse, “he watched as it rose, carried higher and higher … into the trees where the monkeys now sat” Excellently integrated! intensifies the disappointment he feels a he self-discovered the truth about his interpretation skills because he ironically misinterpreted his hope of friendship. He discovered the impossibility of his fantasies, accentuating how the process of discovery involves reconsidering what is known. Hence, unveiling the truth and discovering oneself is a major aspect of the process of discovering as it makes one realise the truth and revaluate what was known through emotionally challenging situations.
When individuals search for a new experience, they may uncover ideas and be faced with new situations but also discover new and unexpected concepts and understanding. Go Back To Where You Came From and Interpreter of Maladies both demonstrate how powerful connections and relationships along with the readiness to explore are major aspects of the process of discovery. These lead to transformative experiences which reveal the truth and make an individual reconsider their values and beliefs. Therefore both texts convey the perspective that the process of discovery does involve uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
The process of discovering is an emotionally intense process which uncovers the truth and makes one’s No need for the apostrophe here, potentially no need for the S either. reassess their values and ideas. Ivan O’Mahoney’s televised SBS Documentary Go Back To Where You Came From and the short story Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri both explore the nature of discoveries which make individuals see themselves and the world around them differently. O’Mahoney explores how confronting discoveries along with the connections with people and places one makes, assist in renewing their perceptions of the world while Lahiri conveys how self-discoveries and transformative experiences unveil the truth. Together they both demonstrate how the process of discovery does involve revealing what is hidden and re-examining what is known which ultimately allows us to gain greater understandings and fresh perceptions of ourselves and the world around us. I like how you very naturally engage with the question here - it flows wonderfully. I am inclined to answer the question sooner in the paragraph, rather than later. Because for the first three or four sentences, there's no note of the question at all. Your first sentence deals with discovery wonderfully, but I feel like it could benefit from having one of these end ideas supporting it earlier on.
The willingness to explore and make connections with people and places through transformative experiences is the process of discovery that is an ongoing aspect of Go Back To Where You Came From. This is quite a wordy sentence and I get to the end not really realising what the argument is. i suggest that you go back and take out the end bit where you talk about the text, and leave it without. Then introduce the text in the next sentence where you talk about Adam.Adam’s character I'd go for the word persona, more. highlights the notion that discoveries can release ideas that were previously unrecognised, ultimately forcing one to reconsider what was known. The mis-en-scene of the coastal background with Adam in a personal interview where he states that all boat people are ‘criminals’ shows that he lacks an understanding and sympathy for refugees. Rather than saying that this shows a lack of understanding, perhaps mention WHY it is a misunderstanding. For example, mention that as the plot continues, we can contrast his opinion to the plot, and recognise the learning and discoveries. Rather than you saying its a misunderstanding, it's right now just his opinion. Later in the text it is recognised as a misunderstanding, but not yet. However, despite Adam calling refugees ‘criminals’ he does acknowledge through dialogue that he is “apprehensive. in the close-up shot... Try to double techniques here if you can, and explain the situation where he recognises this. So, maybe even the mise-en-scene, from memory this is in the establishing interview? So he has surf in the background? Feel free to analyse that as well, implying his Australian lifestyle, thus showing his representation of a slice of Australian demographics.
His apprehensive choice of words His choice of words isn't apprehensive, HE is apprehensive. indicates that he recognises he is not controlling the situation and will be faced with situations that are out of his comfort zone, hence discovering the reality. This will allow him to gain further clarity and fulfillment about his past beliefs. These last two sentences are very literal in what they present, and I think you could do it in one sentence rather than two. Here's an example of how I'd talk about it..." Adam's acknowledgement of being apprehensive shows his willingness to be receptive to discoveries, because his stance apprehends change. This readiness to make connections to one’s discoveries is highlighted in the Malaysian Raid Scene. The hand-held camera and night vision allows the audience to be integrated into the raid and creating a real experience, giving rise to an appreciation of the antagonising circumstances and discoveries. This part here is amazing, you establish the technique, ground it in the doc, and then explain the significance. No mucking around, just perfect.The zoom up of Adam’s face reveals the devastation he is witnessing and how the discovery of the treatment of refugees has surprised him and challenged him, accentuating how the process of discovery causes one to reflect upon personal beliefs and face the harsh reality when confronted with provocative discoveries. The acceptance and clarification of discovery is stated through his dialogue, “if I were one of them…I’d get on a boat,” highlighting that his process of discovery was emotionally intense as he was faced with confronting scenarios which enabled him to reconsider his values and beliefs. You can contrast this to him calling them criminals, just to tie it all together.This ramification highlights how powerful the process of discovery can be in altering perceptions permanently. Adam’s warm tone in “I won’t see them as illegal. That’s basically too harsh of a title…” as he reflects upon his experience of his journey reveals the new perspectives he has attained. This transformation illuminates how these transformative experiences of discovering the truth and re-examining what was known changes one. Therefore, the process of discovering definitely involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering one’s values, leading to fresher perceptions of the world. So good, a really solid ending there. You deal with Adam's transformative so well!
Similar to Go Back To Where You Came From, Inteprepter of Maladies reveals how one’s process of discovery involves discovering something meaningful. Through its intimate view of relationships, it proves the interesting nature of discovering something may not always prove successful but can bring insight, inspiration and a broadened outlook. The contrast between the two different opinions of Mrs Das and Mr Kapasi’s wife in “Unlike his wife, she has reminded him of its intellectual changes” illustrates how relationship catalyse an ironic discovery of an individual’s lost identity, hence uncovering what was hidden. These relationships along with a new-found identity made the discovery meaningful and provided a broad outlook on life making him re-consider his identity. The emotive language in “Mr Kapasi don’t you have anything to say? I thought that was your job,” highlights the difficulty of communication between adults as Mrs Kas believes that she has privileged him by confiding her secrets in him, but he is insulted that she would tell him such disreputable personal matters. This breakdown in communication is heart wrenching as they discovered that they were wrong in reaching out for each other, challenging their idea of forming a friendship. It highlights how discoveries can generate re-evaluation of societal relationships, ultimately renewing one’s perceptions of the world around them. The narrator’s thorough description of Mr Kapasi’s address fluttering away from Mrs Das’ purse, “he watched as it rose, carried higher and higher … into the trees where the monkeys now sat” Excellently integrated! intensifies the disappointment he feels a he self-discovered the truth about his interpretation skills because he ironically misinterpreted his hope of friendship. He discovered the impossibility of his fantasies, accentuating how the process of discovery involves reconsidering what is known. Hence, unveiling the truth and discovering oneself is a major aspect of the process of discovering as it makes one realise the truth and revaluate what was known through emotionally challenging situations.
When individuals search for a new experience, they may uncover ideas and be faced with new situations but also discover new and unexpected concepts and understanding. Go Back To Where You Came From and Interpreter of Maladies both demonstrate how powerful connections and relationships along with the readiness to explore are major aspects of the process of discovery. These lead to transformative experiences which reveal the truth and make an individual reconsider their values and beliefs. Therefore both texts convey the perspective that the process of discovery does involve uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
Something that I'd really like to see in this is more of a contrast between the two texts but showing how they are different. You've highlighted the similarities, but by talking about the differences in the way discoveries are experienced will give you a richer discussion. Even if you are agreeing with the essay question for both, you can bring in something else from the rubric for comparative purposes, like comparing the unplanned/planned nature of discovery in either. This opens you up for more rubric points, which gives your discussion a lot of depth but also a lot of direction.
I really like your conclusion and I wouldn't add anything to it at this point in time. It sits nicely, it fulfills its purpose, its wonderful. Excellent effort there.
Your body paragraphs can have more. They sit well, you deal with the text, the techniques, and the effect well for the most part, but I think more of a discussion about the two texts could be engaged. Perhaps a structure that sits: prescribed, related, prescribed, related, would be better for you. Right now, we deal with them in isolation, and it works, but the more integrated we are, the better, simply because it means you're engaging the texts together in a more sophisticated manner. You could highlight some similarities: change of perspective, uncovering what is hidden, use of character as a vehicle for discovery, etc. These things all work as drawing comparisons and could make for a great way to extend your essay.
What do you think?
Post by: shreya_ajoshi on January 25, 2017, 12:58:00 pm
Hey there!
Something that I'd really like to see in this is more of a contrast between the two texts but showing how they are different. You've highlighted the similarities, but by talking about the differences in the way discoveries are experienced will give you a richer discussion. Even if you are agreeing with the essay question for both, you can bring in something else from the rubric for comparative purposes, like comparing the unplanned/planned nature of discovery in either. This opens you up for more rubric points, which gives your discussion a lot of depth but also a lot of direction.
I really like your conclusion and I wouldn't add anything to it at this point in time. It sits nicely, it fulfills its purpose, its wonderful. Excellent effort there.
Your body paragraphs can have more. They sit well, you deal with the text, the techniques, and the effect well for the most part, but I think more of a discussion about the two texts could be engaged. Perhaps a structure that sits: prescribed, related, prescribed, related, would be better for you. Right now, we deal with them in isolation, and it works, but the more integrated we are, the better, simply because it means you're engaging the texts together in a more sophisticated manner. You could highlight some similarities: change of perspective, uncovering what is hidden, use of character as a vehicle for discovery, etc. These things all work as drawing comparisons and could make for a great way to extend your essay.
What do you think?
HI!
Thanks for checking the essay :). I like the idea of comparison. So would I dedicate a paragraph to comparing the text or just introduce it in the relelvant paragraph.
So, while introducing the texts in their respective paragraphs I write 'the planned discovery in Go Back etc etc' and then i write 'the unplanned discovery in Interpreter of Maladies etc etc'?
I don't quite understand what you mean here
You could highlight some similarities: change of perspective, uncovering what is hidden, use of character as a vehicle for discovery, etc. These things all work as drawing comparisons and could make for a great way to extend your essay.
What do you think?
Thank you for your help :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on January 25, 2017, 04:17:30 pm
HI!
Thanks for checking the essay :). I like the idea of comparison. So would I dedicate a paragraph to comparing the text or just introduce it in the relelvant paragraph.
So, while introducing the texts in their respective paragraphs I write 'the planned discovery in Go Back etc etc' and then i write 'the unplanned discovery in Interpreter of Maladies etc etc'?
Thank you for your help :)
That sounds like a flawless introduction of the texts with the planned and unplanned discovery. Although, for comparative purposes, I'm more inclined to say "Unlike the discoveries in Go Back, the nature of the discoveries in Interpreter of Maladies is unplanned..." Just to compare the two in the same sentence. But you'd need to flesh out the significance of it being unplanned, you can't just state that it is unplanned.
You could use a few different structures for your essay here. You could do: prescribed text, a paragraph on the two together, then related in isolation. Or, you can do a predominantly prescribed text paragraph with some small links to the related, then a predominantly related text paragraph with some small links to prescribed. However you feel most comfortable linking, you are more than welcome to link that way.
The last part is some suggestions for less obvious ways of linking the texts. You could say, "In blah blah, the protagonist is also the vehicle for discovery..." so you're commenting on the way characters work as ploys for discovery! :)
Post by: shreya_ajoshi on January 25, 2017, 07:43:35 pm
That sounds like a flawless introduction of the texts with the planned and unplanned discovery. Although, for comparative purposes, I'm more inclined to say "Unlike the discoveries in Go Back, the nature of the discoveries in Interpreter of Maladies is unplanned..." Just to compare the two in the same sentence. But you'd need to flesh out the significance of it being unplanned, you can't just state that it is unplanned.
You could use a few different structures for your essay here. You could do: prescribed text, a paragraph on the two together, then related in isolation. Or, you can do a predominantly prescribed text paragraph with some small links to the related, then a predominantly related text paragraph with some small links to prescribed. However you feel most comfortable linking, you are more than welcome to link that way.
The last part is some suggestions for less obvious ways of linking the texts. You could say, "In blah blah, the protagonist is also the vehicle for discovery..." so you're commenting on the way characters work as ploys for discovery! :)
Hi!
Thank you so much for your help Elyse!! I understand what you mean by linking now :)
Post by: zara.alrobeiy on January 25, 2017, 08:27:40 pm
Discoveries have the potential to challenge ones values and attitudes as well as develop new understandings of others and ourselves. Michael Gows play, “Away” (1986), highlights how discoveries either challenge or affirm ones assumption and beliefs towards the human experience. Likewise, Miroslav Hulob’s poem ‘The Door’ challenges the audience’s attitudes and assumptions towards experiences through the discovery the persona reveals. Ultimately, discoveries lead individuals to new values, ideas and worlds including both physical and emotional paradigms, that allows one to contemplate on future possibilities.
The process of making discoveries is often challenging, however it can lead us to new worlds and values, stimulate new ideas and enable us to speculate about future possibilities. In Michael Gows drama Away, Coral, challenged with grief at the loss of her son in the Vietnam War, initially finds herself enthralled by the impotence of his death. Ensnared by feelings of grief and a pervading belief in the empty rhetoric of Australia as the ‘Lucky Country’, Coral experiences detachment from both her husband Roy and the world around her. It is the situation of disconnection that prevents her from discovering the kind of healing that comes from acceptance; a point alluded to in the plays opening intertexual reference to Pucks final speech in A Midsummer Nights Dream, “Give me your hands, if we be friends, And Robin shall restore amends”. Gows use of presenting the closing of one play at the opening of another, substantiates Corals need to acknowledge the loss of her son if she is to move forward and speculate about future possibilities. However, the subordinating conjunction ‘if’ in ‘if we be friends’ also reveals that any transformation is dependent upon making discoveries that allow her to recreate herself and hence reconnect with others. This validates difficulty for Coral as she pursues to protect herself from making the new transformative discoveries that would enable her to experience healing, rather than choosing to remain with a world characterized by unachievable yearnings. This is highlighted through her soliloquy in which Coral, is symbolically positioned ‘outside’ and ‘alone’, reflecting on the school performance of A Midsummer Nights Dream. Her reflection upon the character of Titania waking to ‘find something you want so badly’ reveals her desire to wake and find her own son, ‘in the dark’ showing her awareness of the impossibility of this and becomes a symbol of her entrapment. This is supported by the rhetorical questions that conclude her soliloquy ‘is it better for them to die like that? Looking like gods?”. The repetitive asking of questions to which there are no satisfactory answers, in combination with her exclamation ‘Alas’, renders Coral a despairing figure which needs to discover the capacity to forgive in order to experience restoration.
Post by: katnisschung on February 02, 2017, 07:21:28 pm
if anyone could scan through this and give it a read that would be great!
any feedback will be much appreciated.
i feel that i may have resorted to just listing techniques and retelling the plotline...
also pls make yourself a coffee before reading this...i genuinely feel like its going to make you fall asleep.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 02, 2017, 10:38:22 pm
Hey, this is my third draft at an attempt at a generic essay. This is just my introduction and body 1. Any feedback would be great- Thank you :)
Hey Zara! Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you - Welcome to the forums!! :) so normally we have a rule where you need 15 posts for every bit of feedback you receive, but since this is only a couple of paragraphs (and you had a delay), I'm happy to give it a read and give some quick comments!
Spoiler
Discoveries have the potential to challenge ones values and attitudes as well as develop new understandings of others and ourselves. I'd like to see more clarification here - But of course this is a generic essay. Be sure to add more detail about the understandings, values and attitudes to suit the question. Michael Gows play, “Away” (1986), highlights how discoveries either challenge or affirm ones assumption and beliefs towards the human experience. Likewise, Miroslav Hulob’s poem ‘The Door’ challenges the audience’s attitudes and assumptions towards experiences through the discovery the persona reveals. Ultimately, discoveries lead individuals to new values, ideas and worlds including both physical and emotional paradigms, that allows one to contemplate on future possibilities. I like the structure of the Thesis - I can't comment too much on the ideas/arguments because I know you've been purposely vague. Looks promising! Be sure that your Thesis is adequately linked to the question on the day (with adequate detail) and you should be on the right track.
The process of making discoveries is often challenging, however it can lead us to new worlds and values, stimulate new ideas and enable us to speculate about future possibilities. Great start! Has the potential to go a variety of ways too, to match the question. In Michael Gows drama Away, Coral, challenged with grief at the loss of her son in the Vietnam War, initially finds herself enthralled by the impotence of his death. Ensnared by feelings of grief and a pervading belief in the empty rhetoric of Australia as the ‘Lucky Country’, Coral experiences detachment from both her husband Roy and the world around her. These last two sentences are a little too much towards retell - It is just giving me details from the text. You can always assume your marker knows the text - NEVER retell! It is the situation of disconnection that prevents her from discovering the kind of healing that comes from acceptance; a point alluded to in the plays opening intertexual reference to Pucks final speech in A Midsummer Nights Dream, “Give me your hands, if we be friends, And Robin shall restore amends”. Better! A technique and a quote, but still a little too close to retell. Try to expand the idea to the grander sense - What does the audience learn about Discovery from this intertextual reference! Gows use of presenting the closing of one play at the opening of another, substantiates Corals need to acknowledge the loss of her son if she is to move forward and speculate about future possibilities. Slight expression issue at the start there. However, the subordinating conjunction ‘if’ in ‘if we be friends’ also reveals that any transformation is dependent upon making discoveries that allow her to recreate herself and hence reconnect with others. Again, you are exploring the concept of discovery through the characters. Don't do this! Just look at what the technique shows the audience about the Discovery - The character is a middle ground you don't need. This validates difficulty for Coral as she pursues to protect herself from making the new transformative discoveries that would enable her to experience healing, rather than choosing to remain with a world characterized by unachievable yearnings. Slightly retell. This is highlighted through her soliloquy in which Coral, is symbolically positioned ‘outside’ and ‘alone’, reflecting on the school performance of A Midsummer Nights Dream. Her reflection upon the character of Titania waking to ‘find something you want so badly’ reveals her desire to wake and find her own son, ‘in the dark’ showing her awareness of the impossibility of this and becomes a symbol of her entrapment. This is supported by the rhetorical questions that conclude her soliloquy ‘is it better for them to die like that? Looking like gods?”. The repetitive asking of questions to which there are no satisfactory answers, in combination with her exclamation ‘Alas’, renders Coral a despairing figure which needs to discover the capacity to forgive in order to experience restoration. You need a more distinctive conclusion here. "Thus, the audience realises that..."
The process of making discoveries is often challenging, however it can lead us to new worlds and values, stimulate new ideas and enable us to speculate about future possibilities. Great start! Has the potential to go a variety of ways too, to match the question. In Michael Gows drama Away, Coral, challenged with grief at the loss of her son in the Vietnam War, initially finds herself enthralled by the impotence of his death. Ensnared by feelings of grief and a pervading belief in the empty rhetoric of Australia as the ‘Lucky Country’, Coral experiences detachment from both her husband Roy and the world around her. These last two sentences are a little too much towards retell - It is just giving me details from the text. You can always assume your marker knows the text - NEVER retell! It is the situation of disconnection that prevents her from discovering the kind of healing that comes from acceptance; a point alluded to in the plays opening intertexual reference to Pucks final speech in A Midsummer Nights Dream, “Give me your hands, if we be friends, And Robin shall restore amends”. Better! A technique and a quote, but still a little too close to retell. Try to expand the idea to the grander sense - What does the audience learn about Discovery from this intertextual reference! Gows use of presenting the closing of one play at the opening of another, substantiates Corals need to acknowledge the loss of her son if she is to move forward and speculate about future possibilities. Slight expression issue at the start there. However, the subordinating conjunction ‘if’ in ‘if we be friends’ also reveals that any transformation is dependent upon making discoveries that allow her to recreate herself and hence reconnect with others. Again, you are exploring the concept of discovery through the characters. Don't do this! Just look at what the technique shows the audience about the Discovery - The character is a middle ground you don't need. This validates difficulty for Coral as she pursues to protect herself from making the new transformative discoveries that would enable her to experience healing, rather than choosing to remain with a world characterized by unachievable yearnings. Slightly retell. This is highlighted through her soliloquy in which Coral, is symbolically positioned ‘outside’ and ‘alone’, reflecting on the school performance of A Midsummer Nights Dream. Her reflection upon the character of Titania waking to ‘find something you want so badly’ reveals her desire to wake and find her own son, ‘in the dark’ showing her awareness of the impossibility of this and becomes a symbol of her entrapment. This is supported by the rhetorical questions that conclude her soliloquy ‘is it better for them to die like that? Looking like gods?”. The repetitive asking of questions to which there are no satisfactory answers, in combination with her exclamation ‘Alas’, renders Coral a despairing figure which needs to discover the capacity to forgive in order to experience restoration. You need a more distinctive conclusion here. "Thus, the audience realises that..."
Definitely some great textual references and concepts here! A little too text focused - Watch for retell, make sure you aren't just saying what happens in the text and linking it to Discovery. Go bigger - The use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE shows the audience _______ about Discovery." No character/textual detail necessary! ;D
I hope these comments help, and once again, welcome to the forums :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 04, 2017, 02:58:00 pm
hi...
if anyone could scan through this and give it a read that would be great!
any feedback will be much appreciated.
i feel that i may have resorted to just listing techniques and retelling the plotline...
also pls make yourself a coffee before reading this...i genuinely feel like its going to make you fall asleep.
Hey Katniss! I'd be happy to give you some feedback ;D
Essay with Comments
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
Discovery serves as a mechanism to challenge an individual’s preconceived beliefs. Only after reconsideration of such ideas, is an individual able to uncover their true values, previously hidden. Such realisations are intensely meaningful, as one gains renewed perceptions. Good start! I think conceptually it works, and it links to the question well. Perhaps some more extrapolation on exactly what beliefs are challenged? This notion is seen through Shakespeare’s the Tempest and Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Initial views regarding social hierarchy and freedom respectively, are challenged, thus leading to a renewal of one’s thoughts. Both texts emulate that it is the process of discovering that drives an individual’s search for new meanings. Great introduction; texts are linked to the idea nicely without any retell, and I feel ready to dive into your essay. Awesome ;D
Both texts explore the change in significance of social hierarchy to the individual as its meaning is redefined as a result a discovery. This would work better as a second sentence - In the AOS, I find it works better to start with a conceptual statement without mentioning the text. Quick not so good example that sort of links to this paragraph, Significant discoveries alter individuals perceptions of the society they live in." In the Tempest, hierarchal structures dictated by Jacobean values are contested, inner discovery resulting in recognition of the flaws in such system. Boatswain’s assertions serve as a catalyst to Gonzalo’s recognition to preconceived notions of power, “make the rope of his destiny our cable.” The metaphor outlines Gonzalo has recognised that the Boatswain is the ‘master’ of the ship. But what does it show the audience about Discovery in general? Try to step away from the text and characters. Gonzalo is able to identify the futility of the nobility’s power against the face of nature, his trust in the Boatswain’s abilities undermining the absolute authority of the upper class. Retell. Thus as social hierarchy shaped by Jacobean values is contested, Gonzalo’s discovery enabling him to uncover the flaws in such system. Retell. Shakespeare crafts Gonzalo to describe his Utopian world, “I’ th’ commonwealth”, his kingdom would have “no name of magistrate…no sovereignty.” The use of anaphora of “no”, emphasises his recognition of the flaws of the hierarchal structures he has left behind. He recognises this creates the tensions and divisions within society, implicitly suggesting its futility through exclusion of order in his utopian realm. Still focusing a lot on the characters - You need to go bigger. What does the AUDIENCE learn from the use of these techniques. Thus, the composer exemplifies, that discoveries enable the individual to uncover the true significance of societal values regarding hierarchy following reconsideration of initial preconceptions. Great conceptual basis and some good textual reference, but definitely too text focused. If you take away the retell and the explanation, you've really only provided two techniques!
Similarly, in Twain’s novel, Huck’s belief in the inferiority of African Americans is contested as a result of his inner discovery, unveiling his true mentality towards Southern American hierarchy. Nice transition into the new text. Huck’s initial opinion of African American inferiority reflect societal preconceptions. First person perspective outlines Huck’s true attitudes, shaped by Southern racism, “It was fifteen minutes before I could work myself up to go and humble myself to a nigger.” What does this reveal to the audience though? You are telling me how techniques reveal Discovery concepts in the text, I want to know what they tell me about Discovery in general. Twain’s use of tautology exemplifies Huck’s reluctance to have to apologise to an African American, based on society’s hierarchy which dictate ‘White’ Americans to be superior. Huck’s discovery of runaway slave Jim’s character through their growing friendship catalyses his epiphany of the irrationality of the social hierarchy instilled into him. Try not to use plot elements as examples - Always techniques or elements of form! “White” is used as a motif for the white supremacist views deeming ‘white’ men to be superior on the foundation of their skin colour. By calling Jim, a slave, ‘white’, by explicitly stating Jim held the capacity to be as honourable as ‘White’ Americans, Huck’s defiance represents his exposure to the absurdity of such system founded by a lack of morality. Thus showing the audience _____. Thus, through both texts it is evident that discoveries result in a gradual renewed perceptions, following reconsideration of preconceived perceptions regarding social hierarchy.
The texts explore the transformation in the meaning of freedom as a result of the renewal of perceptions offered through discovery. In the Tempest, Prospero is crafted to reassess his pursuit for revenge as equating to an achievement of freedom. Retell. Shakespeare crafts Prospero to create an imaginary realm through the masque to stress the discrepancy between the imaginary and reality. What sort of techniques/traits are you talking about specifically here? The connotation of “sweet nymphs” establishes an enchanting scene, the imagery of perfection furthered through Ferdinand’s awe, “harmonious, charmingly”, the use of assonance placing emphasis on the state of social harmony. Nice analysis here! Again though, what is its purpose? Prospero recognises the juxtaposition between the two worlds, “we are such stuff as dreams are made on.” Retell. Through the symbolism of “dreams”, the composer has crafted Prospero’s recognition that one inadvertently chooses to fantasise their devout wishes. However, he sees that only the individual has the capacity to determine their implication. Don't tell me that the character realises this - SHOW me how Shakespeare has communicated this TO US. His return to reality characterised by emotional affliction is established through aural imagery, “a strange hollow and confused noise” breaking the masque. This portrays his pain of disillusionment, and his sense of his failure of total control causing him to recognise the paradoxically liberating yet enslaving nature for his pursuit for revenge. Thus, this leads to his climatic comprehension of forgiveness as an alternative route to freeing oneself. Some fantastic analysis/concepts in here, but some of it is retell. Some is REALLY close to what you need, but still focusing on what the characters discover, not what we are taught. You could literally change "his" to "we" or something like that and it would improve immensely - All about subtleties.
Similarly in the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Twain crafts Huck to undergo an inner discovery to review his simplistic vision of freedom. Again, a focus on the plot here - Try to keep things abstract. His initial comprehension of freedom consist of a living dictated by his own rules. The composer reveals this through the use of first person, revealing Huck’s inner thoughts of Miss Watson, “she kept pecking at me, and it got tiresome and lonesome.” His emotionally afflicted state is emphasised through rhyme and the characterisation of Miss Watson, “pecking” indicating constant verbal abuse towards Huck. Still character focused here. However, Huck’s intellectual epiphany causes him to identify freedom as isolation society as he identifies the hypocrisy of the world. The composer’s choice for Huck to have “tore it (letter) up,” symbolises his rejection of society’s values and the true break from the world around him. Thus showing the audience _______ about Discovery. He recognises the absurdity of society’s principles following his realisation Jim will be demeaned to a slave upon returning back to society. Retell. His expression to “light out” is a metaphorical device Twain utilises to outline his desire to escape society. Huck recognises his sense of freedom lies in escaping reformation to illogical societal rules, the metaphor alluding to finding his true values through detachment from society. Therefore, Huck’s inner discovery leads to the development of his intellect, leading him to uncover what freedom really means to him.
Thus, discoveries are often intensely meaningful as the individual is often gifted with renewed perceptions that uncover their conscience towards social hierarchy and freedom. In both texts, it is highlighted this transformation can only be attained through reconsideration of preconceived beliefs. A tiny bit more in this conclusion would be beneficial - Try recapping the sorts of concepts that have come through in your analysis above.
Discovery serves as a mechanism to challenge an individual’s preconceived beliefs. Only after reconsideration of such ideas, is an individual able to uncover their true values, previously hidden. Such realisations are intensely meaningful, as one gains renewed perceptions. Good start! I think conceptually it works, and it links to the question well. Perhaps some more extrapolation on exactly what beliefs are challenged? This notion is seen through Shakespeare’s the Tempest and Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Initial views regarding social hierarchy and freedom respectively, are challenged, thus leading to a renewal of one’s thoughts. Both texts emulate that it is the process of discovering that drives an individual’s search for new meanings. Great introduction; texts are linked to the idea nicely without any retell, and I feel ready to dive into your essay. Awesome ;D
Both texts explore the change in significance of social hierarchy to the individual as its meaning is redefined as a result a discovery. This would work better as a second sentence - In the AOS, I find it works better to start with a conceptual statement without mentioning the text. Quick not so good example that sort of links to this paragraph, Significant discoveries alter individuals perceptions of the society they live in." In the Tempest, hierarchal structures dictated by Jacobean values are contested, inner discovery resulting in recognition of the flaws in such system. Boatswain’s assertions serve as a catalyst to Gonzalo’s recognition to preconceived notions of power, “make the rope of his destiny our cable.” The metaphor outlines Gonzalo has recognised that the Boatswain is the ‘master’ of the ship. But what does it show the audience about Discovery in general? Try to step away from the text and characters. Gonzalo is able to identify the futility of the nobility’s power against the face of nature, his trust in the Boatswain’s abilities undermining the absolute authority of the upper class. Retell. Thus as social hierarchy shaped by Jacobean values is contested, Gonzalo’s discovery enabling him to uncover the flaws in such system. Retell. Shakespeare crafts Gonzalo to describe his Utopian world, “I’ th’ commonwealth”, his kingdom would have “no name of magistrate…no sovereignty.” The use of anaphora of “no”, emphasises his recognition of the flaws of the hierarchal structures he has left behind. He recognises this creates the tensions and divisions within society, implicitly suggesting its futility through exclusion of order in his utopian realm. Still focusing a lot on the characters - You need to go bigger. What does the AUDIENCE learn from the use of these techniques. Thus, the composer exemplifies, that discoveries enable the individual to uncover the true significance of societal values regarding hierarchy following reconsideration of initial preconceptions. Great conceptual basis and some good textual reference, but definitely too text focused. If you take away the retell and the explanation, you've really only provided two techniques!
Similarly, in Twain’s novel, Huck’s belief in the inferiority of African Americans is contested as a result of his inner discovery, unveiling his true mentality towards Southern American hierarchy. Nice transition into the new text. Huck’s initial opinion of African American inferiority reflect societal preconceptions. First person perspective outlines Huck’s true attitudes, shaped by Southern racism, “It was fifteen minutes before I could work myself up to go and humble myself to a nigger.” What does this reveal to the audience though? You are telling me how techniques reveal Discovery concepts in the text, I want to know what they tell me about Discovery in general. Twain’s use of tautology exemplifies Huck’s reluctance to have to apologise to an African American, based on society’s hierarchy which dictate ‘White’ Americans to be superior. Huck’s discovery of runaway slave Jim’s character through their growing friendship catalyses his epiphany of the irrationality of the social hierarchy instilled into him. Try not to use plot elements as examples - Always techniques or elements of form! “White” is used as a motif for the white supremacist views deeming ‘white’ men to be superior on the foundation of their skin colour. By calling Jim, a slave, ‘white’, by explicitly stating Jim held the capacity to be as honourable as ‘White’ Americans, Huck’s defiance represents his exposure to the absurdity of such system founded by a lack of morality. Thus showing the audience _____. Thus, through both texts it is evident that discoveries result in a gradual renewed perceptions, following reconsideration of preconceived perceptions regarding social hierarchy.
The texts explore the transformation in the meaning of freedom as a result of the renewal of perceptions offered through discovery. In the Tempest, Prospero is crafted to reassess his pursuit for revenge as equating to an achievement of freedom. Retell. Shakespeare crafts Prospero to create an imaginary realm through the masque to stress the discrepancy between the imaginary and reality. What sort of techniques/traits are you talking about specifically here? The connotation of “sweet nymphs” establishes an enchanting scene, the imagery of perfection furthered through Ferdinand’s awe, “harmonious, charmingly”, the use of assonance placing emphasis on the state of social harmony. Nice analysis here! Again though, what is its purpose? Prospero recognises the juxtaposition between the two worlds, “we are such stuff as dreams are made on.” Retell. Through the symbolism of “dreams”, the composer has crafted Prospero’s recognition that one inadvertently chooses to fantasise their devout wishes. However, he sees that only the individual has the capacity to determine their implication. Don't tell me that the character realises this - SHOW me how Shakespeare has communicated this TO US. His return to reality characterised by emotional affliction is established through aural imagery, “a strange hollow and confused noise” breaking the masque. This portrays his pain of disillusionment, and his sense of his failure of total control causing him to recognise the paradoxically liberating yet enslaving nature for his pursuit for revenge. Thus, this leads to his climatic comprehension of forgiveness as an alternative route to freeing oneself. Some fantastic analysis/concepts in here, but some of it is retell. Some is REALLY close to what you need, but still focusing on what the characters discover, not what we are taught. You could literally change "his" to "we" or something like that and it would improve immensely - All about subtleties.
Similarly in the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Twain crafts Huck to undergo an inner discovery to review his simplistic vision of freedom. Again, a focus on the plot here - Try to keep things abstract. His initial comprehension of freedom consist of a living dictated by his own rules. The composer reveals this through the use of first person, revealing Huck’s inner thoughts of Miss Watson, “she kept pecking at me, and it got tiresome and lonesome.” His emotionally afflicted state is emphasised through rhyme and the characterisation of Miss Watson, “pecking” indicating constant verbal abuse towards Huck. Still character focused here. However, Huck’s intellectual epiphany causes him to identify freedom as isolation society as he identifies the hypocrisy of the world. The composer’s choice for Huck to have “tore it (letter) up,” symbolises his rejection of society’s values and the true break from the world around him. Thus showing the audience _______ about Discovery. He recognises the absurdity of society’s principles following his realisation Jim will be demeaned to a slave upon returning back to society. Retell. His expression to “light out” is a metaphorical device Twain utilises to outline his desire to escape society. Huck recognises his sense of freedom lies in escaping reformation to illogical societal rules, the metaphor alluding to finding his true values through detachment from society. Therefore, Huck’s inner discovery leads to the development of his intellect, leading him to uncover what freedom really means to him.
Thus, discoveries are often intensely meaningful as the individual is often gifted with renewed perceptions that uncover their conscience towards social hierarchy and freedom. In both texts, it is highlighted this transformation can only be attained through reconsideration of preconceived beliefs. A tiny bit more in this conclusion would be beneficial - Try recapping the sorts of concepts that have come through in your analysis above.
Let me start by saying you've got some awesome techniques/textual references here, a great writing style, and some great concepts to boot! All the pieces are there for a great essay.
The big issue you've already identified - But perhaps a bit too harshly. There is definitely retell in places, but in other places you've got the technique and the concept. The problem is that when you do those things, it is still about the characters. What they learn, what they observe, the discoveries they made. This doesn't quite go all the way, because you haven't shown how the audience is shown things. What does the composer show US about discovery? That's where you need to go; take the same ideas (because they are awesome) and show me how WE are shown them, not how the characters experience/show them.
Besides that; I don't have much to say. A few bits of retell to trim, replace them with techniques, a bit more conceptual explanation needed in areas just to make things a little clearer. But on the whole you are definitely showing me a great understanding of Discovery and a solid understanding of how your text portrays it :)
Great work ;D
Post by: Sukakadonkadonk on February 07, 2017, 12:02:42 am
Just wanted to ask, how would you approach the poem Ulysses as a related text? Like, could you please give me some examples of conceptual statements?
Oh, and my class text is A Short History of Nearly Everything if that helps.
Thanks.
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 07, 2017, 02:29:37 am
Hi :)
Just wanted to ask, how would you approach the poem Ulysses as a related text? Like, could you please give me some examples of conceptual statements?
Oh, and my class text is A Short History of Nearly Everything if that helps.
Thanks.
Hey there! I haven't studied either of these texts, but my understanding is that your prescribed text is about travel, and Ulysses has the element of travel as being a wonderful experience. An experience that the persona encourages until death?
Perhaps you could talk about new experiences being stimulated by new environments.
"Immersion in environments not-familiar to an individual can stimulate discoveries relating to perspective."
"Experiencing landscapes unfamiliar to an individual may prompt a transformation of one's perspective."
"Intensely meaningful shifts in perspective may be prompted by travelling to landscapes contrary to one's familiarity."
I'm not sure if these are on the right track for your texts, but if they are off the mark you can let me know how and I can try assist some more :)
Post by: Sukakadonkadonk on February 08, 2017, 08:46:22 pm
Hey there! I haven't studied either of these texts, but my understanding is that your prescribed text is about travel, and Ulysses has the element of travel as being a wonderful experience. An experience that the persona encourages until death?
Perhaps you could talk about new experiences being stimulated by new environments.
"Immersion in environments not-familiar to an individual can stimulate discoveries relating to perspective."
"Experiencing landscapes unfamiliar to an individual may prompt a transformation of one's perspective."
"Intensely meaningful shifts in perspective may be prompted by travelling to landscapes contrary to one's familiarity."
I'm not sure if these are on the right track for your texts, but if they are off the mark you can let me know how and I can try assist some more :)
Hey!
All good for now :)
I don't think my prescribed text is really a book about travel but more as an introduction to the history of scientific effort and the people who shaped the scientific understanding we know today. Well, maybe a travel through time I guess might make sense haha.
I'll try out your ideas first then will see from there but thanks so far!
Post by: maddyyy1 on February 25, 2017, 07:45:49 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 26, 2017, 03:05:14 pm
Hi! As an assignment, our class just needed to write 2 paragraphs on each of our texts, but all my teacher wrote was: "Nice Maddy, just make sure your examples relate to your thesis statements and you don't list". Would you be able to help me fix this? Thank you in advance!
Hi Maddy, welcome to the forums! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay. Our essay marking rules require you to have made 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every piece you'd like marked. This is just to ensure that the service doesn't get too clogged, the markers can keep up, and that the feedback can be detailed as a result! :)
I had a quick skim read, what your teacher is asking you to guarantee is that the examples you mention have direct relevance to your topic. In the first paragraph, for example, your topic is on Discovery being the result of challenging/removing barriers. You mention that again in your first bit of analysis, but then it sort of falls away a little bit as the paragraph progresses. You imply it, but it needs to be stronger - And this reasoning applies to your other paragraphs too.
I'd also recommend that you watch out for retell - A few places had you slip back into restating what happened in the text just a little bit. Be careful! ;D beyond that, make sure you have a proper intro and conclusion when you submit this/write it in exam conditions, adapting to the question :)
I'd be happy to give this more detailed feedback, just let me know when you reach 15 posts! Hope to see you posting around the forums ;D
Post by: h_blair on February 26, 2017, 05:15:01 pm
“Discoveries can affirm or challenge one’s assumptions and beliefs about aspects of human experiences and the world.” How does this quote represent your own understanding of discovery as represented in Part Two of the Motorcycle Diaries?
Discovery can be introduced in a plethora of forms, whether it be spiritual, political or physical, it can confront ones opinions and offer new experiences that alter an individuals attitudes and being. The Motorcycle Diaries progressively affirms this belief that the human experience evolves in the presence of new experiences seen through Che’s progression from bourgeois student to culturally aware revolutionist.
Stage two welcomes a series of new significant experiences to Che, it provides Che with new political insight and a reassessment of his hierarchical views. These experiences he goes through resonates within his character and further characterises the discoveries to come. Che’s original views are single-minded and restricted by the ignorance of his privileged lifestyle, as he travels more Che experiences an assortment of people. These people he meets are “as friendly as people could be from worlds as different as theirs and ours”, this comparative tone presenting, a Che more aware of the world and one accepting of all those within his domain, South America. Furthermore, Che’s discovery of the communist couple in Chile further encourages the revolutionist within Che, offering a new view on the world. Che’s introduction to communism through this enigmatic couple helps him embark and develop his nationalistic and capitalistic views on the world. This challenging and changing view is embodied within the communist couple illustrated through Che’s admiration for them. “It was one of the coldest times in my life, but also one which made me feel a little more brotherly towards this strange… human species”, the positive connotations placed on brotherly as well as its allusion to a capitalist ‘comrade’ provides insight into Che’s beliefs about the world as well as his political viewpoint manifesting at the time. Through new insights about his people and changing political views, the reader grasps the concept of Che’s changing values and those that will follow through with him.
Che experiences discovery in an array of forms throughout stage two. However, the significance of his introduction to communism and his rearrangement of views on the people he meets (whether rich or prole) serve as the most significant for the years to come. This belief that “Discoveries can affirm or challenge one’s assumptions and beliefs” rings true for Che Guevara and furthermore foreshadows the man that is to amount from his discoveries.
Post by: Mathew587 on February 28, 2017, 08:47:44 pm
I'm reposting because I edited my last post too many times that I felt rude to still have it up. Please do a general review of the essay with focus on structure (PEEAL) adn content (technq, analysis) pls :D
ty guys
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 28, 2017, 10:02:21 pm
Hey, first time posting, just a mini-essay on The Motorcycle Diaries. It would be great to have some feedback and a rough mark, my teacher is giving me very mixed reviews and not sure what i'm doing right/wrong. Thanks!
Hey h_blair! Welcome to the forums! ;D thanks heaps for posting your essay - Our current essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every piece you'd like marked. This is just to ensure the service doesn't get too clogged - That way the markers can keep up and can give proper feedback, not just the quick two liner I'm going to give you below ;) so this is your first post, you have 14 to go, feel free to have an explore around the site, ask a few questions, you'll build it up in no time!
That said, on a quick skim of your essay, I think you've got some great conceptual ideas. My main piece of feedback would be to avoid retell - If you read through your big paragraph it reads much like a recount of what happened to the character, occasionally linking to how that represents Discovery, with analysis dotted through too. Try to move away from retelling things that happened in the text, and just be abstract: The use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE shows the audience ___________ about Discovery. No plot detail or setting up/explaining the quote, just BAM. Give me marks please ;)
Would be happy to give more detailed feedback once you hit the 15 posts, just let me know! Once again, welcome to the forums ;D
Hey,
I'm reposting because I edited my last post too many times that I felt rude to still have it up. Please do a general review of the essay with focus on structure (PEEAL) adn content (technq, analysis) pls :D
ty guys
No worries at all, I'll get this version marked for you ASAP! :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 01, 2017, 03:21:04 am
Hey,
I'm reposting because I edited my last post too many times that I felt rude to still have it up. Please do a general review of the essay with focus on structure (PEEAL) adn content (technq, analysis) pls :D
ty guys
Hey Mathew! I've looked at your essay and written some points in bold font throughout, click the spoiler below :)
Spoiler
Discoveries can be confronting and provocative causing change in an individual's perception of society and attitude towards others, consequently making them more dependent on faith and relationships. I'd split this in two. "As a consequence of discoveries, individual's are prompted to be more dependent on faith and relationships." It's just a lot to take in very early on and we don't want to lose any of your good ideas. “Life of Pi” by Ang Lee highlights Piscine Patel’s emotional and spiritual changes throughout the journey while “The Perks of Being a Wallflower ” by Stephen Chbosky emphasises Charlie’s intellectual and emotional growth as a result of his coming-of-age. These texts cooperatively highlight how discoveries can be emotionally, spiritually and intellectually nourishing, leading to the stronger beliefs, new-found maturity and personal growth as with Pi and stronger relationships and a greater understanding of society as with Charlie.
Discoveries lead to a greater dependency on faith and relationships as a coping mechanism for emotionally and spiritually significant discoveries consequently leading the individual to challenge old perceptions and gain new understandings. I fear that the "point" here is too long and it sounds like a lot of ideas are being spat out, rather than being artfully entertained. I'd break this down. Also, you're speaking about a very unique idea, and I don't know that it is definitely true enough to be in the high modality. So, if you said to someone, unrelated to the HSC, "When you discover things, you become more dependent on faith." I'd say that what you're saying isn't at all true of everyone. For this reason, I'm inclined to suggest you put this in lower modality, like, "may lead to..." or "sometimes leads to..." or "Discoveries lead to greater dependencies on coping mechanisms to assist individuals with the ramifications of discoveries. Faith and relationships will often be looked to during challenging emotional or spiritual circumstances, where old perceptions will likely be abandoned in order to gain new understandings." This just breaks your idea down into two sections - but of course, adjust this as you please!
Ang Lee highlights Pi’s relationship through the omnipresent ‘Pi’s lullaby’ originally sung at the start of the film but carried out through the film as a symbol for Pi’s familial and cultural links. Presumably we're talking about the Life of Pi right now, I think it is best to spell this out for the first sentence, and then you can just refer to the composer and the characters. The constant repetition of its soothing sounds throughout the movie highlights Pi’s emotional dependency on his homeland. Pi’s shift in his dependency on faith is also highlighted through the ‘meeting god’ scene in which he joyfully shouts out “Praise be to God. The god of all gods.”a The biblical allusion highlightings that Pi's has grown growth in his faith as a result of his physical discoveries from the survival. The long shot throughout the scene along with the non-diegetic orchestral music with drowns out his speech highlights his minuscule nature in the presence of God. His spiritual progression is also highlighted from his shift in believing in Hinduism, Christianity and Islam- the three major religions in India, to a single religion which is a unification of all three stated by Pi himself as “Catholic Hindu”. Your structure of technique, quote and effect is really good. Your points are strongly supported. It's just about getting that initial thesis statement right, because it definitely flows in your analysis, it's just not in the beginning part there.
Chbosky highlights this dependence on relationships as a coping mechanism through Charlie, a socially awkward ‘wallflower’ - someone who “sees things… keeps quiet about them… but understands”. Really good link between texts, excellent!! This emphasises his introverted and analytical nature which leads him to be a loner at his new school. His emotional progression isshows shown when he sits next to Patrick and Samantha at the football match and calls Patrick by his real name instead of ‘Nothing’- a nickname given to him, symbolising a flowering friendship. Patrick later reveals to him that he is “gay for Brad”; the informal tone of which highlights their closeness but also his gradual acceptance into society. Just as with Pi who complemented his family with religion, Patrick and Sam end up complementing his real brother and sister with whom he had unnerving relationship with. However, his relationship with his sister is re-established with mutual respect after Charlie takes her to the abortion clinic following her boyfriend denial in acceptance for the baby. Although this makes a really great link at the beginning of the sentence, this is otherwise just two sentences of plot retell. I'd cut this down as much as possible. The contextual progression of Charlie’s relationship with others allows the reader to feel pathos for him given his past circumstances including his friend’s suicide which caused him to move schools.
The unexpected nature of discoveries can challenge an individual and lead to a change in perspectives, both in faith through Pi’s increased emotional dependency with Pondicherry, and in relationships as with Charlie and his friends and family. The unexpected nature of discoveries can challenge an individual and lead to a change in perspectives. In the Life of Pi, this culminates in an increased emotional dependency with Pondicherry, but is expressed in the relationships people share in The Perks of Being a Wall Flower. At present, it's just too long and makes too many strenuous connections. The more succinctly you can approach ideas, the better.
Discoveries can also lead to inner strength, greater maturity and understanding of the world around them as a consequence of the intellectual and spiritual discoveries, which questions previously held presumptions and perspectives.
Pi is seen as an empathetic and intuitive individual who seeks to find the best in others appropriately believing inChristianity, Hinduism and Islam all all three Semitic religions (if you'd like to avoid listing, this shortens it) in the hope of finding God and connecting with the divine. This shows that Pi’s theological concerns came from his want desire to connect with God and the divine and to feel like he belongs somewhere just as with Charlie This last bit doesn't make sense to me? Is it unfinished?
The epiphany in which he questions previously held assumption about survival occurs in the Island scene. Pi prays to God beforehand stating “God thank you for my life. I’m ready” foreshadowing that he will do something that is displeasing to god as he is “ready” for his punishment. The audience understands this foreshadow with the long shot of the glowing island which along with the ethereal music alludes that Pi cannibalised the chef to survive. Pi states “I had to get back to the world or die trying “ the strong word choice highlighting his realisation that continuing like this will not only lead to eventual death but also irate his beliefs and devalue his families suffering and death.
Chbosky also highlights how discoveries change our understanding and consequently our perception of society by following Charlie’s twisted childhood as a result of which he never understands society. His aunt, one of the central figures of his life, was shown to be molested as a child herself who along with an abusive boyfriend meant that she had a troubling relationship with men. Consequently she gravitates towards the only masculine comfort: Charlie.
Charlie never becomes angry at his aunt for what happened to him instead stating “if I blamed my aunt Helen, I would have to blame her dad for hitting her and the friend of the family that fooled around with her when she was little. And the person that fooled around with him.” I know that you link it back at the end, but this is a lot of words that doesn't gain any marks. It's not analytical, so it isn't doing you favours. showing through the metaphor that he understands that pain and suffering is a never ending cycle passed on and that the victim will eventually be the oppressor. This highlights his personal growth and maturity as he accepts what happened to him and tried to move on. Charlie’s eventual maturity and coming of age is highlighted by his relationship with his friends in “The time we were walking. Just the three of us. And I was in the middle. I don't remember where we were walking to or where we were walking from... I just remember walking between them and feeling for the first time that I belonged somewhere." The symbolic and idealistic nature of this quote highlights the emotional impact that friendship and acceptance has on an individual and how a good support system will have a transformative impact on the person.
This links back to how discoveries can change our perception and leave a lasting impact on the individual leading to greater maturity and inner strength as with Pi and maturity and a better understanding of the world as with Charlie.
Therefore to conclude, Pick either therefore, or to conclude. Together it's a little tautologous. discoveries can be sudden, unexpected and will be intensively meaningful to the individual. They can be confronting and question what we know leading to stronger faith, greater emphasis on relationship, maturity, inner growth and a better understanding of the world as seen in the Life of Pi by Ang Lee and The Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
Discoveries lead to a greater dependency on faith and relationships as a coping mechanism for emotionally and spiritually significant discoveries consequently leading the individual to challenge old perceptions and gain new understandings. I fear that the "point" here is too long and it sounds like a lot of ideas are being spat out, rather than being artfully entertained. I'd break this down. Also, you're speaking about a very unique idea, and I don't know that it is definitely true enough to be in the high modality. So, if you said to someone, unrelated to the HSC, "When you discover things, you become more dependent on faith." I'd say that what you're saying isn't at all true of everyone. For this reason, I'm inclined to suggest you put this in lower modality, like, "may lead to..." or "sometimes leads to..." or "Discoveries lead to greater dependencies on coping mechanisms to assist individuals with the ramifications of discoveries. Faith and relationships will often be looked to during challenging emotional or spiritual circumstances, where old perceptions will likely be abandoned in order to gain new understandings." This just breaks your idea down into two sections - but of course, adjust this as you please!
Ang Lee highlights Pi’s relationship through the omnipresent ‘Pi’s lullaby’ originally sung at the start of the film but carried out through the film as a symbol for Pi’s familial and cultural links. Presumably we're talking about the Life of Pi right now, I think it is best to spell this out for the first sentence, and then you can just refer to the composer and the characters. The constant repetition of its soothing sounds throughout the movie highlights Pi’s emotional dependency on his homeland. Pi’s shift in his dependency on faith is also highlighted through the ‘meeting god’ scene in which he joyfully shouts out “Praise be to God. The god of all gods.”
Chbosky highlights this dependence on relationships as a coping mechanism through Charlie, a socially awkward ‘wallflower’ - someone who “sees things… keeps quiet about them… but understands”. Really good link between texts, excellent!! This emphasises his introverted and analytical nature which leads him to be a loner at his new school. His emotional progression is
Discoveries can also lead to inner strength, greater maturity and understanding of the world around them as a consequence of the intellectual and spiritual discoveries, which questions previously held presumptions and perspectives.
Pi is seen as an empathetic and intuitive individual who seeks to find the best in others appropriately believing in
The epiphany in which he questions previously held assumption about survival occurs in the Island scene. Pi prays to God beforehand stating “God thank you for my life. I’m ready” foreshadowing that he will do something that is displeasing to god as he is “ready” for his punishment. The audience understands this foreshadow with the long shot of the glowing island which along with the ethereal music alludes that Pi cannibalised the chef to survive. Pi states “I had to get back to the world or die trying “ the strong word choice highlighting his realisation that continuing like this will not only lead to eventual death but also irate his beliefs and devalue his families suffering and death.
Chbosky also highlights how discoveries change our understanding and consequently our perception of society by following Charlie’s twisted childhood as a result of which he never understands society. His aunt, one of the central figures of his life, was shown to be molested as a child herself who along with an abusive boyfriend meant that she had a troubling relationship with men. Consequently she gravitates towards the only masculine comfort: Charlie.
Charlie never becomes angry at his aunt for what happened to him instead stating “if I blamed my aunt Helen, I would have to blame her dad for hitting her and the friend of the family that fooled around with her when she was little. And the person that fooled around with him.” I know that you link it back at the end, but this is a lot of words that doesn't gain any marks. It's not analytical, so it isn't doing you favours. showing through the metaphor that he understands that pain and suffering is a never ending cycle passed on and that the victim will eventually be the oppressor. This highlights his personal growth and maturity as he accepts what happened to him and tried to move on. Charlie’s eventual maturity and coming of age is highlighted by his relationship with his friends in “The time we were walking. Just the three of us. And I was in the middle. I don't remember where we were walking to or where we were walking from... I just remember walking between them and feeling for the first time that I belonged somewhere." The symbolic and idealistic nature of this quote highlights the emotional impact that friendship and acceptance has on an individual and how a good support system will have a transformative impact on the person.
This links back to how discoveries can change our perception and leave a lasting impact on the individual leading to greater maturity and inner strength as with Pi and maturity and a better understanding of the world as with Charlie.
Therefore to conclude, Pick either therefore, or to conclude. Together it's a little tautologous. discoveries can be sudden, unexpected and will be intensively meaningful to the individual. They can be confronting and question what we know leading to stronger faith, greater emphasis on relationship, maturity, inner growth and a better understanding of the world as seen in the Life of Pi by Ang Lee and The Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
On the conclusion:
I think that you could benefit from dealing with each text individually, in its own sentence. At the moment, it's a bit of idea vomit at the end, listing all of the ideas from the texts in a big splurge. I'd break it up just to make sure you're doing yourself justice.
On the entire thing:
Your strongest asset is the way you link the quote to the technique to the effect. That's really strong consistently. There are times when plot retell detracts from the strength of your paragraph, so avoid that at all costs. I see it as, if the plot retell carries over more than one sentence - it is too much. Sometimes even just one sentence is too much because it doesn't help you gain anything - but two or longer is too much. I've pointed it out where I see it, so consider how you could condense that.
Your ideas about discovery are well developed, but not well expressed. The thesis statement doesn't need to stand as a tiny paragraph of its own, it can sit inside the paragraph. Perhaps you just put that there for your own reference, but if it is part of the essay you would submit, I suggest sitting it inside the paragraph so that the ideas flow more flawlessly. There are some tiny expression things to adjust. Have a look at the length of your sentence, and how many ideas are in that sentence. You don't want to sound simple and basic, but of course you don't want to lose your great ideas within a lot of words in one sentence. I've suggested ways to split your sentences. Also, the way you treat the text's titles could be a tad more formal, mainly just identifying the text at the start of the paragraph rather than just jumping in to the characters. This just ensures clarity, which is needed when you're making such great links!
This is a really great essay, lots of great ideas in here. When the expression is adjusted, it'll really tighten this essay up into a neat little piece which will surely gain some marks. So, focus on the thesis and discovery ideas first, I suggest. This way the back bone of your essay is strong, and then the muscles of your essay (the content) will stand stronger as well. Good luck! :)
Post by: Mathew587 on March 01, 2017, 07:00:18 pm
Hey Mathew! I've looked at your essay and written some points in bold font throughout, click the spoiler below :)Hey Elyse,SpoilerDiscoveries can be confronting and provocative causing change in an individual's perception of society and attitude towards others, consequently making them more dependent on faith and relationships. I'd split this in two. "As a consequence of discoveries, individual's are prompted to be more dependent on faith and relationships." It's just a lot to take in very early on and we don't want to lose any of your good ideas. “Life of Pi” by Ang Lee highlights Piscine...
Woowww thanks for the detailed post. I'll definitely take on your advice. I showed it to a couple of my friends and the recommended using more techniques, actually analysing the texts and shrinking the paragraphs.
Do you also recommend the same thing? How can I also better express my points like would that be through better analysis or anything else?
Ty Elyse once again :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 02, 2017, 01:49:48 am
Hey Elyse,
Woowww thanks for the detailed post. I'll definitely take on your advice. I showed it to a couple of my friends and the recommended using more techniques, actually analysing the texts and shrinking the paragraphs.
Do you also recommend the same thing? How can I also better express my points like would that be through better analysis or anything else?
Ty Elyse once again :)
Hey Matthew, no worries at all! I think you are "actually analysing the texts" so no suggestion from me there. I do think that perhaps you could bring more textual evidence to the table, because you manage to juggle the point, technique, and effect well, so I think there's room for more because you are so succinct. But, it isn't the most pressing issue. The treatment of the concepts is the most important, and using more techniques right now won't gain you marks, or at least it won't until we adjust the way the concepts are handled. When the concepts are in place nice and strong, everything in the essay will seem a little different, and smaller flaws will show. This isn't such a bad thing - it means that once the thesis is in order, we are then at the stage of refining the essay to be precise. This might mean adding more techniques and linking them. By all means, go ahead and make the essay more dense (as long as its still cohesive), but I think that job will become a lot easier once the concepts are in order. That'll give you a lot of clarity! :)
Post by: Sukakadonkadonk on March 02, 2017, 03:26:43 pm
What do you think of the film if I were to use it as a related text for AOS and Mod C in advance as well? If its a good pick, what would be some themes that relates to the topic of discovery?
Thanks.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 02, 2017, 07:37:49 pm
Hey guys,
What do you think of the film if I were to use it as a related text for AOS and Mod C in advance as well? If its a good pick, what would be some themes that relates to the topic of discovery?
Thanks.
Sorry sukakadonkadonk - which film are you talking about? I used the same related text for Discovery and for Module C, it worked well for me :)
Post by: Sukakadonkadonk on March 02, 2017, 08:40:34 pm
Sorry sukakadonkadonk - which film are you talking about? I used the same related text for Discovery and for Module C, it worked well for me :)
Oooops lol sorry, I meant to say V for Vendetta.
And what do you think the chances are of an exam asking for two related texts? Because my teacher is telling us to prepare for it.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 07, 2017, 12:42:10 am
Oooops lol sorry, I meant to say V for Vendetta.
And what do you think the chances are of an exam asking for two related texts? Because my teacher is telling us to prepare for it.
I'd say that it's unlikely they would ask for two related texts in the HSC, as they've only done it once in the last....nine years I think? Presumably, it went badly and they haven't done it since. But if your teacher is preparing you for two related texts...I'd be taking a hint! Your teacher knows what the half yearly will have in it, after all! As for the HSC, I really didn't study two related texts. I did earlier in the year for a bit before dropping it because I decided it was a waste of time. I figured, if they ask me for two related texts, I'll choose one of the unseen texts from Part One to use!
As for V for Vendetta - great, I think! There's a lot to discover about humanity, appearances, appearances being deceptive of reality, truths in masks...the relationship between V and (is her name Eve?) the female is wonderful for discovery, it develops so well throughout. If you're doing People and Politics for Module C, I think you're in for a good time as well! V for Vendetta has been used before for Module C with no complaints :)
Post by: sophiegmaher on March 12, 2017, 12:33:38 pm
Post by: Fallen on March 12, 2017, 07:21:04 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 14, 2017, 07:59:44 am
Hey! Here is a Discovery essay! I've included the question in the document, and would absolutely love if you could maybe annotate on the document areas to improve. I'm particularly worried about whether my position statement and topic sentences answer the question! Thanks so much
Hey Sophie! Elyse went to give your essay a mark (at the lovely time of 4:30am this morning, gotta love the Venice time difference) but the attachment doesn't seem to be working for us!! Could you possibly reupload it? We'll be sure to jump on it as soon as you do - Sorry for the delay in getting this back to you! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 14, 2017, 08:01:40 am
Hey!! Would you mind taking a look at my discovery essay? My teacher is one of those that give one-liner feedback like "great!" but never actually specifies :( We were requested to do 6 body paragraphs, so I did mine on unexpected, challenge and enrichment, and change of perspectives. Please mark harshly, as my teacher is quite a nice marker and for exams the essays are always marked harshly. It's attached below, and thank you in advance!! :)
Hey Fallen! Welcome to the forums! Thanks for uploading your essay - Our essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up and give great feedback :) so let us know when you hit the requirement! It is super easy if you hang around the site a little bit :)
Post by: sophiegmaher on March 14, 2017, 08:34:22 am
Hey Sophie! Elyse went to give your essay a mark (at the lovely time of 4:30am this morning, gotta love the Venice time difference) but the attachment doesn't seem to be working for us!! Could you possibly reupload it? We'll be sure to jump on it as soon as you do - Sorry for the delay in getting this back to you! ;DNo worries! Sorry about that. I've attached it to this quoted post instead :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 14, 2017, 12:27:09 pm
No worries! Sorry about that. I've attached it to this quoted post instead :)
Oh it wasn't your fault! Just a little glitch ;D I'll pop your essay in the spoiler below with comments in bold!
Essay
Discoveries can be intensely meaningful in ways that may be emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual.
How accurately does this statement reflect the experiences of individuals in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Discoveries that are stimulated by the reassessment of oneself, where perspectives are questioned or challenged due to the changing circumstances experienced by an individual, can be the most meaningful. Nice Thesis! Gives good detail but leaves room for elaboration - Very clear. This self-governed process of rediscovery may facilitate initial intellectual or physical discoveries to be made, where this can catalyse emotional or spiritual significance. I'd swap "where" with "and." Memory is a dynamic process of rediscovery, where it can catalyse a deeper understanding of ourselves as previous actions are re-evaluated through a new perspective. This doesn't quite fit in with your previous statements - Be careful to keep your Thesis simple and direct, don't branch out too much. This transformation can result in a rejection or acceptance of our past selves as these beliefs are challenged. The process of rediscovery can facilitate confronting and provocative self-discoveries of the consequences of one’s actions in determining one’s dire circumstances. As much as I appreciate your conceptual statements here, you need to cut back on them. Your giving us too many different aspects of Discovery and not 'honing in' on just one or two. You shouldn't be spending more than two, possibly three sentences, setting up your concept before introducing the text. Both William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, and Evan Hunter’s short story On the Sidewalk Bleeding, explore the intense meaning that can be derived from discoveries that are facilitated by the self-stimulated process of rediscovery. I like the concepts here, but too many. Trim it back and you'll have a solid Thesis!
Memory is a dynamic process of rediscovery, where it can catalyse a deeper understanding of ourselves as previous actions are re-evaluated through a new perspective. This transformation can result in a rejection or acceptance of our past selves as these beliefs are challenged. Your topic sentences shouldn't be a copy of things in your Thesis (again another reason to trim the Thesis down. Shakespeare’s The Tempest explores this ability of memory to facilitate emotional, intellectual, physical or spiritual meaning when, in the final scenes of the play in Act Five Scene One Prospero exclaims, “But this rough magic I here abjure…I’ll break my staff, bury it certain fathoms in the earth, and deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book”. Great to see you launching into analysis - Try and keep your quotes fairly short though! Just pull the part you need out. The pre-modifier of “rough” reduces the valued and powerful connotations of “magic”, establishing the reason for Prospero to renounce his power is because of this intellectual revelation of its “rough” consequences on those around him. What does it show the AUDIENCE about the meaning of certain Discoveries? Be sure that you don't just talk about characters. The fact that he will “break my staff”, a magical symbol, and “drown my book”, a symbol of knowledge in which he initially worshipped, and states he owns through “my”, establishes his profound emotional and spiritual transformation as he rejects these previously thought existential necessities. Try to link to the composer, not the character. "The composer's use of symbolism in Prospero's declaration that he will "break his staff," shows the audience...." The phrase “deeper than did ever plummet sound” is a hyperbole, where Prospero exaggerates the drowning of his book in final understanding that, that object was the reason for his initial downfall and usurpation as Duke. Be sure that you have a proper conclusion summarising the paragraph.
Similarly, Hunter’s On The Sidewalk Bleeding has an individual, Andy, who through reflection grows to learn the horrific aftermath linked to the ideals he worshipped, where he declares,“The knife hated only the purple jacket. The jacket was a stupid meaningless thing that was robbing him of his life.” Be sure to introduce the concept properly for THIS text - Does it show the exact same thing as above? A little variance? The personification of the “knife” and the “jacket”, where they “hated” and “robbed”, describes the personal ramifications these objects have had, contradicting the colour symbolism of the “purple” of the jacket which conveys nobility and royalty. What does this show the audience? What does it have to do with Discovery? The reduced description of the gang in “purple jacket” provides as a synecdoche, implying that the harsh realisation of the true meaning of the jacket has created so much disdain for the gang that he cannot even name them. Wider implications for Discovery? You need to go BEYOND just literal comprehension, tell me what the audience learns about the CONCEPT, not just the characters. Evidently, the dynamic process of memory has enabled further meaningful discoveries to be made, resulting in initial beliefs to be rejected and, in each case, past selves to be criticised. Thus, both Andy and Prospero reflect the ability for this self-governed discovery to stimulate emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual significance as their ideals fluctuate with the maturity of time. This is what I mean by a proper conclusion - I know that you've got two paragraphs forming one idea, but you do need a conclusion for every paragraph, even if it is short.
This process of rediscovery can facilitate confronting and provocative self-discoveries of the consequences of one’s actions in determining one’s dire circumstances. As above - This is a great concept but it shouldn't have been in your Thesis. Shakespeare’s Caliban in The Tempest reflects the immediate, emotional meaning derived from the reassessment of oneself when he realises he is the means of his own end, as he “…showed thee all the qualities o’th’isle, the fresh springs, brine pits, barren place and fertile. Cursed be I that did so!...And here you sty me in this hard rock, whiles you do keep from me the rest o’th’island.” This quote is definitely too long - Again, try to just nab the bit that you need to show the technique. It makes it easier for you too! The use of asyndeton illustrates the number of places that Caliban has revealed to Prospero, reflecting how they are not known by many, giving Caliban power over Prospero- that being the power of knowledge potentially evoking jealousy, thus why Prospero may have imprisoned him. Try to take this idea of "knowledge evoking jealousy" and make it bigger than the text itself - How does the AUDIENCE learn this? The truncated sentence and exclamation mark reveals Caliban’s regret for exposing this power of knowledge, as he is confronted with the intellectual realisation that it was Prospero’s physical discovery of the qualities of the island in which Caliban was a catalyst for that led to his imprisonment. The metaphor of a pig in “sty me” compares Caliban to an animal that has connotations to dirt and filth, where he is being kept in a “pig sty” by Prospero, juxtaposing and reducing his ability to reveal magnificent aspects of the island and hence justifying the outrage felt by Caliban. Great techniques and textual examples here, but you need to do more with them.
The protagonist of Andy in Hunter’s On The Sidewalk Bleeding too reflects the intense significance of the reassessment of oneself in catalysing confronting and provocative self-discoveries, where he challenges and questions, “Why, they’re afraid of the Guardians, Andy thought in amazement. But why should they be? I wasn’t afraid of the Guardians…I got heart. But I’m bleeding.” Since you are using the quotes again in later sentences, is there a need for this one? Explicitly stated is that this is a sudden discovery by establishing a surprised tone in words such as “amazement”, where this is a catalyst for Andy to discover he is the means of his own end. The rhetorical question voices Andy’s confusion and surprise, and “I got heart” uses colloquial language to establish the protagonist’s young age, creating a satirical tone where the composer is mocking Andy’s pride through the metaphor of “heart” but also evoking sympathy through describing this death as premature. This is better! You are starting to talk about the composers choices and the effect on the audience (right now it is implied) - Good! The use of the conjunction of “But” at the beginning of the sentence further emphasises this discovery as sudden, where the irony between “heart” and “bleeding” describes how the protagonist having “heart”, meaning pride, is the reason for which he is “bleeding”: he is the reason for his pain. The first bit of this about Discovery is peerrrfect, make an audience link and this would be excellent. Hence, Andy and Caliban experience sudden discoveries as a result of reflection, where they are confronted with the revelation of being the means of their own end. The Discovery links in this paragraph are MUCH better than above - Incredible difference. The aftermath of this is varying degrees of remorse: Caliban is angry, whereas Andy is more sorrowful. Retell - Don't need to know what happened in the text! Thus, emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual meaning was provoked through the process of rediscovery, as perspectives of oneself were uprooted by the cyclical nature of time. This paragraph is MUCH better than the ones above - Great stuff!
In conclusion, it is evident that discoveries stimulated by the reassessment of oneself hold significant potential for emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual transformation. As described in Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Hunter’s On The Sidewalk Bleeding, the intense meaning that is facilitated through rediscovery can be achieved by the dynamic process of memory, where the maturity of time allows the rejection or acceptance of our past selves to be offered, as well as the confronting and the provocative self-discoveries that allow personal growth in these areas. Nice punchy conclusion, I like it!
How accurately does this statement reflect the experiences of individuals in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Discoveries that are stimulated by the reassessment of oneself, where perspectives are questioned or challenged due to the changing circumstances experienced by an individual, can be the most meaningful. Nice Thesis! Gives good detail but leaves room for elaboration - Very clear. This self-governed process of rediscovery may facilitate initial intellectual or physical discoveries to be made, where this can catalyse emotional or spiritual significance. I'd swap "where" with "and." Memory is a dynamic process of rediscovery, where it can catalyse a deeper understanding of ourselves as previous actions are re-evaluated through a new perspective. This doesn't quite fit in with your previous statements - Be careful to keep your Thesis simple and direct, don't branch out too much. This transformation can result in a rejection or acceptance of our past selves as these beliefs are challenged. The process of rediscovery can facilitate confronting and provocative self-discoveries of the consequences of one’s actions in determining one’s dire circumstances. As much as I appreciate your conceptual statements here, you need to cut back on them. Your giving us too many different aspects of Discovery and not 'honing in' on just one or two. You shouldn't be spending more than two, possibly three sentences, setting up your concept before introducing the text. Both William Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, and Evan Hunter’s short story On the Sidewalk Bleeding, explore the intense meaning that can be derived from discoveries that are facilitated by the self-stimulated process of rediscovery. I like the concepts here, but too many. Trim it back and you'll have a solid Thesis!
Memory is a dynamic process of rediscovery, where it can catalyse a deeper understanding of ourselves as previous actions are re-evaluated through a new perspective. This transformation can result in a rejection or acceptance of our past selves as these beliefs are challenged. Your topic sentences shouldn't be a copy of things in your Thesis (again another reason to trim the Thesis down. Shakespeare’s The Tempest explores this ability of memory to facilitate emotional, intellectual, physical or spiritual meaning when, in the final scenes of the play in Act Five Scene One Prospero exclaims, “But this rough magic I here abjure…I’ll break my staff, bury it certain fathoms in the earth, and deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book”. Great to see you launching into analysis - Try and keep your quotes fairly short though! Just pull the part you need out. The pre-modifier of “rough” reduces the valued and powerful connotations of “magic”, establishing the reason for Prospero to renounce his power is because of this intellectual revelation of its “rough” consequences on those around him. What does it show the AUDIENCE about the meaning of certain Discoveries? Be sure that you don't just talk about characters. The fact that he will “break my staff”, a magical symbol, and “drown my book”, a symbol of knowledge in which he initially worshipped, and states he owns through “my”, establishes his profound emotional and spiritual transformation as he rejects these previously thought existential necessities. Try to link to the composer, not the character. "The composer's use of symbolism in Prospero's declaration that he will "break his staff," shows the audience...." The phrase “deeper than did ever plummet sound” is a hyperbole, where Prospero exaggerates the drowning of his book in final understanding that, that object was the reason for his initial downfall and usurpation as Duke. Be sure that you have a proper conclusion summarising the paragraph.
Similarly, Hunter’s On The Sidewalk Bleeding has an individual, Andy, who through reflection grows to learn the horrific aftermath linked to the ideals he worshipped, where he declares,“The knife hated only the purple jacket. The jacket was a stupid meaningless thing that was robbing him of his life.” Be sure to introduce the concept properly for THIS text - Does it show the exact same thing as above? A little variance? The personification of the “knife” and the “jacket”, where they “hated” and “robbed”, describes the personal ramifications these objects have had, contradicting the colour symbolism of the “purple” of the jacket which conveys nobility and royalty. What does this show the audience? What does it have to do with Discovery? The reduced description of the gang in “purple jacket” provides as a synecdoche, implying that the harsh realisation of the true meaning of the jacket has created so much disdain for the gang that he cannot even name them. Wider implications for Discovery? You need to go BEYOND just literal comprehension, tell me what the audience learns about the CONCEPT, not just the characters. Evidently, the dynamic process of memory has enabled further meaningful discoveries to be made, resulting in initial beliefs to be rejected and, in each case, past selves to be criticised. Thus, both Andy and Prospero reflect the ability for this self-governed discovery to stimulate emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual significance as their ideals fluctuate with the maturity of time. This is what I mean by a proper conclusion - I know that you've got two paragraphs forming one idea, but you do need a conclusion for every paragraph, even if it is short.
This process of rediscovery can facilitate confronting and provocative self-discoveries of the consequences of one’s actions in determining one’s dire circumstances. As above - This is a great concept but it shouldn't have been in your Thesis. Shakespeare’s Caliban in The Tempest reflects the immediate, emotional meaning derived from the reassessment of oneself when he realises he is the means of his own end, as he “…showed thee all the qualities o’th’isle, the fresh springs, brine pits, barren place and fertile. Cursed be I that did so!...And here you sty me in this hard rock, whiles you do keep from me the rest o’th’island.” This quote is definitely too long - Again, try to just nab the bit that you need to show the technique. It makes it easier for you too! The use of asyndeton illustrates the number of places that Caliban has revealed to Prospero, reflecting how they are not known by many, giving Caliban power over Prospero- that being the power of knowledge potentially evoking jealousy, thus why Prospero may have imprisoned him. Try to take this idea of "knowledge evoking jealousy" and make it bigger than the text itself - How does the AUDIENCE learn this? The truncated sentence and exclamation mark reveals Caliban’s regret for exposing this power of knowledge, as he is confronted with the intellectual realisation that it was Prospero’s physical discovery of the qualities of the island in which Caliban was a catalyst for that led to his imprisonment. The metaphor of a pig in “sty me” compares Caliban to an animal that has connotations to dirt and filth, where he is being kept in a “pig sty” by Prospero, juxtaposing and reducing his ability to reveal magnificent aspects of the island and hence justifying the outrage felt by Caliban. Great techniques and textual examples here, but you need to do more with them.
The protagonist of Andy in Hunter’s On The Sidewalk Bleeding too reflects the intense significance of the reassessment of oneself in catalysing confronting and provocative self-discoveries, where he challenges and questions, “Why, they’re afraid of the Guardians, Andy thought in amazement. But why should they be? I wasn’t afraid of the Guardians…I got heart. But I’m bleeding.” Since you are using the quotes again in later sentences, is there a need for this one? Explicitly stated is that this is a sudden discovery by establishing a surprised tone in words such as “amazement”, where this is a catalyst for Andy to discover he is the means of his own end. The rhetorical question voices Andy’s confusion and surprise, and “I got heart” uses colloquial language to establish the protagonist’s young age, creating a satirical tone where the composer is mocking Andy’s pride through the metaphor of “heart” but also evoking sympathy through describing this death as premature. This is better! You are starting to talk about the composers choices and the effect on the audience (right now it is implied) - Good! The use of the conjunction of “But” at the beginning of the sentence further emphasises this discovery as sudden, where the irony between “heart” and “bleeding” describes how the protagonist having “heart”, meaning pride, is the reason for which he is “bleeding”: he is the reason for his pain. The first bit of this about Discovery is peerrrfect, make an audience link and this would be excellent. Hence, Andy and Caliban experience sudden discoveries as a result of reflection, where they are confronted with the revelation of being the means of their own end. The Discovery links in this paragraph are MUCH better than above - Incredible difference. The aftermath of this is varying degrees of remorse: Caliban is angry, whereas Andy is more sorrowful. Retell - Don't need to know what happened in the text! Thus, emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual meaning was provoked through the process of rediscovery, as perspectives of oneself were uprooted by the cyclical nature of time. This paragraph is MUCH better than the ones above - Great stuff!
In conclusion, it is evident that discoveries stimulated by the reassessment of oneself hold significant potential for emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual transformation. As described in Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Hunter’s On The Sidewalk Bleeding, the intense meaning that is facilitated through rediscovery can be achieved by the dynamic process of memory, where the maturity of time allows the rejection or acceptance of our past selves to be offered, as well as the confronting and the provocative self-discoveries that allow personal growth in these areas. Nice punchy conclusion, I like it!
So there are aspects of this essay I really like - Some of your conceptual statements are extremely clever, you've got some great textual references, and some fantastic analysis in that last paragraph! Definitely the makings of a Band 6 response, we just need to tidy up the execution. My main recommendations would be:
- Clarify your Thesis by reducing its length and honing in on one aspect of Discovery. It is just a little bit all over the place right now, a lot of concepts and it is hard for the reader to know exactly what your focus is, which means you risk not answering the question properly.
- Be sure to avoid textual retell and describing characters - This essay is about showing the marker how Discoveries can be meaningful, not how the characters discover things. Your response right now is very text focused - A big emphasis on characters and recount. You need to abstract and focus instead on the concept, and how the composer makes choices to communicate that concept. You did this fairly well in your last paragraph!
- More audience links (what do we learn?) to make your analysis more sophisticated
- Use shorter quotes - This is more for your benefit than anything else! Just grab the bit you need. This will also potentially free room for you to have more quotes and more analysis in your paragraphs
Definitely let me know if you'd like any of this feedback qualified - I hope it helps you! ;D
Post by: sophiegmaher on March 14, 2017, 02:33:08 pm
Also, in relation to the introduction, do you mean I should clarify the topic sentences (the structure I've followed is main thesis, then supporting topic sentences, then introduction of texts, then a short restatement of thesis) or did you think that everything in the introduction was a part of my main thesis..? If not, any ideas on more clarified ones..?
Mod Edit: Post merge :)
Post by: sophiegmaher on March 14, 2017, 02:46:58 pm
Oh it wasn't your fault! Just a little glitch ;D I'll pop your essay in the spoiler below with comments in bold!
Definitely let me know if you'd like any of this feedback qualified - I hope it helps you! ;D
New and improved introduction?
Thesis:
Discoveries that are stimulated by the reassessment of oneself, where perspectives are questioned or challenged due to the changing circumstances experienced by an individual, can be the most meaningful. This self-governed process of rediscovery may facilitate initial intellectual or physical discoveries to be made, potentially catalysing emotional or spiritual significance.
Topic Sentences:
The process of rediscovery may stimulate intellectual discoveries that may lead to a rejection or acceptance of past selves, transforming one’s perspective on personal identity and the world around them. Confronting or provocative self-discoveries may allow the consequences of one’s actions in determining one’s dire circumstances to be realised.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 15, 2017, 06:16:26 pm
Thank you sosososososo much, this has definitely reinforced what I thought and given me some awesome new things to add to clarify my essays! Thank you so much for addressing pretty much my number one worry, life saver. All makes heaps of sense :)
Also, in relation to the introduction, do you mean I should clarify the topic sentences (the structure I've followed is main thesis, then supporting topic sentences, then introduction of texts, then a short restatement of thesis) or did you think that everything in the introduction was a part of my main thesis..? If not, any ideas on more clarified ones..?
I think your topic sentences (main and supporting) took too much space - And as a result tried to do too much. You shouldn't be using more than 2 or 3 sentences to introduce your main idea - The details will come out in your paragraphs, you don't need copies of your topic sentences for your paragraphs in your Thesis ;D
New and improved introduction?
Thesis:
Discoveries that are stimulated by the reassessment of oneself, where perspectives are questioned or challenged due to the changing circumstances experienced by an individual, can be the most meaningful. This self-governed process of rediscovery may facilitate initial intellectual or physical discoveries to be made, potentially catalysing emotional or spiritual significance.
Topic Sentences:
The process of rediscovery may stimulate intellectual discoveries that may lead to a rejection or acceptance of past selves, transforming one’s perspective on personal identity and the world around them. Confronting or provocative self-discoveries may allow the consequences of one’s actions in determining one’s dire circumstances to be realised.
I love your Thesis except for the last bit, "catalysing emotional or spiritual significance." The wording feels a little off there (and that last sentence as a whole actually, just a tad of in my mind) - But besides that it is great! You are saying that discoveries are meaningful when they ask someone to reassess their perspectives. This then leads to emotional/spiritual/intellectual (etc) impacts. That's simple, but still clever, it works!
Your first topic sentence is good, because it links to the question. Your second one doesn't - I'm looking for those key words (emotional/intellectual) etc etc. All of your topic sentences should make some reference back to the Thesis (and the question) - This way the marker knows you are still on track! :)
Post by: Kle123 on March 16, 2017, 07:34:55 pm
Essay attached: "Discoveries have transformative ramifications"
Post by: Claudiaa on March 16, 2017, 09:55:45 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 16, 2017, 10:24:48 pm
Hey! Just wondering if this AOS Marking is solely for HSC AOS Discovery...or could I get my Belonging essay marked here? ;)
You can definitely pop up a Belonging essay! I did my HSC on Belonging so I'd be happy to check it (Elyse will be on yours soon Kle123!) :)
Post by: Claudiaa on March 16, 2017, 10:58:14 pm
You can definitely pop up a Belonging essay! I did my HSC on Belonging so I'd be happy to check it (Elyse will be on yours soon Kle123!) :)
Thanks Jamon! This is probably the 9th time you've replied to one of my questions today. I will definitely post up my belonging essay once I get over this writer's block ( What deceptive people like me say instead of procrastination to not hurt my sense of self ) :D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 16, 2017, 11:36:54 pm
Thanks Jamon! This is probably the 9th time you've replied to one of my questions today. I will definitely post up my belonging essay once I get over this writer's block ( What deceptive people like me say instead of procrastination to not hurt my sense of self ) :D
Ahahaha, if only AN had streaks like Snapchat ;)
No worries! I'll be here when you are ready ;D
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 17, 2017, 02:31:42 am
Hey! This was the essay question that Elyse suggested. I have an AOS essay exam soon and i'm quite nervous since i haven't done any practice until now. Could you help me out? THANK YOOUUUU
Essay attached: "Discoveries have transformative ramifications"
Hey Kle123! I'm feeling really proud that you just went and wrote an essay so quickly on this question - you're a star!
I'll put my comments in bold font throughout the spoiler below :)
Spoiler
Transformative discoveries result in an individual’s meaningfully renewed perceptions of their capacity to question and appreciate their worlds. Nice one! Through introspection and self-reflection, clarity is attained, helping individuals to develop a response to the discovery, which is significant towards shaping their beliefs. Rosemary Dobson’s poems, ‘Young girl at a Window’ and ‘Wonder’ present, respectively, a girl forced into introspection due to her nearing adulthood and herself This bit jars in the sentence? It is just a bit difficult to follow. Maybe take the comma out from between present and respectively, and then flip them around, and then put a comma after the "and" before herself? Just trying to get this to read a little smoother. who gains renewed understandings through the new found beauty of art. Similarly, Alistair McLeod’s emotional coming of age short story To Everything there is a season shows young protagonist’s changed perceptions as a result of maturation. Beautiful! I love that you've given a sentence for each text so that you can give them their time to shine in the discovery light.
Through the passage of time, individuals inevitably undergo introspection and self reflection to adjust to their situation, throughthe questioning of their worlds. To me, this concept statement would be stronger with the "to adjust to their situation." In ‘Young girl at a Window’, the metaphysical aspects controlling her being are utilised to show the forceful nature of life in influencing change towards from adolescence to the larger world. The first line of the poem introduces the overarching motif of the poem, delineating that time is an omnipotent power as it forces her to “Lift your hand to the window latch”. The imperative elucidating this idea also portrays the passage of time to guide one’s development towards understanding of the real world. In reflecting consciously about the inevitable changes, the girl is uncertain “as she sighs, turns and moves away.” Questions of change allow for the persona to let go of her youth, “fading air is stained with red”, symbolising the death of her past and growth of her future. In this process of renewing perceptions, the persona has formulated fearful pretensions as evident in the tone of tension and anticipation in the “guiltless minute hand is still… the watchful room… be hosts to you this final night” as she lies await of the unknown future. Through this change the persona has the capacity to question her world allowing her to “travel a journey with [her] eyes”, metaphorically signifying the positive speculations which have transformed from the previous fear. Absolutely seamless integration of the question here! Beautiful! Dobson further emphasises that the young girl’s changed perspective will force her to a long hardworking road however positive in that she will be successful. Thus, due to the discoveries as a result form the inevitability of ageing individuals will undergo transformative ramification in gaining renewed perceptions about their worlds. Wonderful! In this last sentence though, you talk about ageing, which has a different connotation to coming of age. I'd use the words you already have, because suddenly I'm thinking of older people, but really you just mean growing, getting older, etc. It's a small thing, but when I read it I thought I must have misunderstood the text, "where's the old person?"
Through the discovery of hidden beauties, an individual’s values about that finding will transform Expression here could be clearer. I think the main problem is that the beauties are hidden, therefore unknown, so how can the value of that transform if it does not already exist because it is unknown...if that makes sense? Perhaps talk about individuals realising a capacity to value beauties that they did not know existed, for they were hidden? Just play with this a little more :) . Throughout the ekphrastic poem ‘Wonder’, Dobson utilises the elusive rhyme and rhythm of her poem to accentuate the transcendental realisation of the beauty of art in Van Eyck’s painting which transforms her mindset of life. Dobson portrays the wonder associated with discovery through the use of collection of soundless adjectives, “wordless”, “voiceless”, “dumb”, “without ovation” Commas go inside the quotation marks - I know it looks a bit silly when you're doing them in quick succession, but y'know, it's how it is :) describes the experiences of discovery of beauty as transformative in that it is another world in one where one is left speechless. Similarly, to Young girl at A Window, an imperative is used, “Turn the page of the book and enter, marvelling” to convey that this discovery is also essential to the persona’s being. The use of diction in “marvelling” as well as “dazzled and “amazement” further accentuates the profundity of such a discovery. The use of a repertoire of historical and biblical figures which have undergone a discovery of one that is ground breaking and completely transformative such as in Lazurus’ “convers[ing] with angels” and Cortes’ discovery of the new “World”, it shows that Dobson can only accurately describe the impact of such discovery through examples of others. Thus emphasising the transformative nature of her discovery as juxtaposed as similar in extent to the allusion of important figures of the real world. Dobson’s use of the parenthetical statement, “I, also, wordless was there” amplifies the self-introspection and self-reflection in appreciating the new world of art. As a result of self-analysis, Dobson again represents discovery in having the ability to transform perceptions of different genres, in this poem through her own experience. Beautiful! This paragraph is wonderful. Everything is linked to back to discovery so eloquently! Your text is always analysed in relation to discovery which is very needed, and very well done!
Correspondingly, Discovery’s No need to capitalise :) capacity to renew perceptions and hence transform an individual is also represented by Alistair McLeod. Through representing time also as an inevitable force driving an individual to discoveries, To Everything there is a Season similarly shows the maturation of a young boy reinforcing the ideas within Dobson’s ‘Young girl’. McLeod introduces the short story through the Narrator (a grown man) “speaking of a time when [he] eleven”. Just for the purpose of being didactic - can you identify the type of Narrator? Voice of God? Third person? Omniscient? Before delving into his reminiscence he prefaces it with, “As we step into the nowness we often look into the past.” This paradoxical statement emblematic of self introspection and self reflection demonstrates the renewed perceptions the young boy (he once was) has formed due to his discoveries in the past. I'm also intrigued by the use of inclusive first person, "we," that's really unique! Surely there's a purpose to it. Is it engaging the reader to have their own discoveries alongside the character? You don't have to talk about this, but if it fits in, why not embrace it? It's a technical piece of analysis that most people won't really look into. The trope of Seasons, McLeod, symbolically represents the young boy’s growth and maturation as inevitable. The composer uses the motif of Christmas and “Santa Claus” to represent the beliefs of the innocent youth, and as the young boy “tries to hang on to him” he slowly loses this and discovers the harsher reality within the “adult side of the world”. The discovery of the myth attacks the narrator’s sense of stability and security and hence he realises he is uncertain of what is in store for him in the future. This loss in youth is represented in the metaphor, “it is as if I have suddenly moved into another room and heard a door click lastingly behind me. I am jabbed by my own small wound” further describes the authors feeling of sadness and fear from the transition "The loss of youth is metaphorically symbolised in..." just reads a little better than identifying "the metaphor." I'm being picky here, though! . However at the end of the story, his father reminds him that, “There is no need to grieve. He leaves good things behind. The reassurance, from a figure of admiration allows the young boy to develop renewed perceptions in that the future awaits us with challenges and rewards.
Individuals will often experience the transformative ramification of discovery when they are forced or influenced into a state of introspection and self reflection allowing for changed perceptions of different worlds. As seen Dobson’s poetry and McLeod’s short story, these transformative discoveries may sometimes result from the inevitability in the passage of time or the wonder of the world allowing for individual’s to change significantly in terms of outlook on life.
Through the passage of time, individuals inevitably undergo introspection and self reflection to adjust to their situation, through
Through the discovery of hidden beauties, an individual’s values about that finding will transform Expression here could be clearer. I think the main problem is that the beauties are hidden, therefore unknown, so how can the value of that transform if it does not already exist because it is unknown...if that makes sense? Perhaps talk about individuals realising a capacity to value beauties that they did not know existed, for they were hidden? Just play with this a little more :) . Throughout the ekphrastic poem ‘Wonder’, Dobson utilises the elusive rhyme and rhythm of her poem to accentuate the transcendental realisation of the beauty of art in Van Eyck’s painting which transforms her mindset of life. Dobson portrays the wonder associated with discovery through the use of collection of soundless adjectives, “wordless”, “voiceless”, “dumb”, “without ovation” Commas go inside the quotation marks - I know it looks a bit silly when you're doing them in quick succession, but y'know, it's how it is :) describes the experiences of discovery of beauty as transformative in that it is another world in one where one is left speechless. Similarly, to Young girl at A Window, an imperative is used, “Turn the page of the book and enter, marvelling” to convey that this discovery is also essential to the persona’s being. The use of diction in “marvelling” as well as “dazzled and “amazement” further accentuates the profundity of such a discovery. The use of a repertoire of historical and biblical figures which have undergone a discovery of one that is ground breaking and completely transformative such as in Lazurus’ “convers[ing] with angels” and Cortes’ discovery of the new “World”, it shows that Dobson can only accurately describe the impact of such discovery through examples of others. Thus emphasising the transformative nature of her discovery as juxtaposed as similar in extent to the allusion of important figures of the real world. Dobson’s use of the parenthetical statement, “I, also, wordless was there” amplifies the self-introspection and self-reflection in appreciating the new world of art. As a result of self-analysis, Dobson again represents discovery in having the ability to transform perceptions of different genres, in this poem through her own experience. Beautiful! This paragraph is wonderful. Everything is linked to back to discovery so eloquently! Your text is always analysed in relation to discovery which is very needed, and very well done!
Correspondingly, Discovery’s No need to capitalise :) capacity to renew perceptions and hence transform an individual is also represented by Alistair McLeod. Through representing time also as an inevitable force driving an individual to discoveries, To Everything there is a Season similarly shows the maturation of a young boy reinforcing the ideas within Dobson’s ‘Young girl’. McLeod introduces the short story through the Narrator (a grown man) “speaking of a time when [he] eleven”. Just for the purpose of being didactic - can you identify the type of Narrator? Voice of God? Third person? Omniscient? Before delving into his reminiscence he prefaces it with, “As we step into the nowness we often look into the past.” This paradoxical statement emblematic of self introspection and self reflection demonstrates the renewed perceptions the young boy (he once was) has formed due to his discoveries in the past. I'm also intrigued by the use of inclusive first person, "we," that's really unique! Surely there's a purpose to it. Is it engaging the reader to have their own discoveries alongside the character? You don't have to talk about this, but if it fits in, why not embrace it? It's a technical piece of analysis that most people won't really look into. The trope of Seasons, McLeod, symbolically represents the young boy’s growth and maturation as inevitable. The composer uses the motif of Christmas and “Santa Claus” to represent the beliefs of the innocent youth, and as the young boy “tries to hang on to him” he slowly loses this and discovers the harsher reality within the “adult side of the world”. The discovery of the myth attacks the narrator’s sense of stability and security and hence he realises he is uncertain of what is in store for him in the future. This loss in youth is represented in the metaphor, “it is as if I have suddenly moved into another room and heard a door click lastingly behind me. I am jabbed by my own small wound” further describes the authors feeling of sadness and fear from the transition "The loss of youth is metaphorically symbolised in..." just reads a little better than identifying "the metaphor." I'm being picky here, though! . However at the end of the story, his father reminds him that, “There is no need to grieve. He leaves good things behind. The reassurance, from a figure of admiration allows the young boy to develop renewed perceptions in that the future awaits us with challenges and rewards.
Individuals will often experience the transformative ramification of discovery when they are forced or influenced into a state of introspection and self reflection allowing for changed perceptions of different worlds. As seen Dobson’s poetry and McLeod’s short story, these transformative discoveries may sometimes result from the inevitability in the passage of time or the wonder of the world allowing for individual’s to change significantly in terms of outlook on life.
I think you've done incredible work here. You've really taken a simple question and attacked it with unique angles! I've been quite picky with it at some points, not because it's bad, but because it's actually really good and you're at the stage of adjusting these minor things now in order to inch towards the top marks. If you can produce this standard of work in an exam, you will be doing very well. The expression needs some more work at times, and this is most important in the concept statements - because this is how you are treating discovery after all. When those are crystal clear, I think you'll get a lot of reward!
In terms of preparing in another way, I suggest looking at past questions, or picking out questions from the rubric, and practice writing a thesis and three paragraph topic sentences for each question. This way, you're coherency of argument will improve, but you'll also become better at expression in a short time. If your exam is looming, I think this is the best way to move forward. Your analysis is so well linked to the question, do your best to do this again in the exam! :)
Post by: bsdfjnlkasn on March 17, 2017, 08:26:07 pm
Hey Kle123! I'm feeling really proud that you just went and wrote an essay so quickly on this question - you're a star!
I'll put my comments in bold font throughout the spoiler below :)SpoilerTransformative discoveries result in an individual’s meaningfully renewed perceptions of their capacity to question and appreciate their worlds. Nice one! Through introspection and self-reflection, clarity is attained, helping individuals to develop a response to the discovery, which is significant towards shaping their beliefs. Rosemary Dobson’s poems, ‘Young girl at a Window’ and ‘Wonder’ present, respectively, a girl forced into introspection due to her nearing adulthood and herself This bit jars in the sentence? It is just a bit difficult to follow. Maybe take the comma out from between present and respectively, and then flip them around, and then put a comma after the "and" before herself? Just trying to get this to read a little smoother. who gains renewed understandings through the new found beauty of art. Similarly, Alistair McLeod’s emotional coming of age short story To Everything there is a season shows young protagonist’s changed perceptions as a result of maturation. Beautiful! I love that you've given a sentence for each text so that you can give them their time to shine in the discovery light.
Through the passage of time, individuals inevitably undergo introspection and self reflection to adjust to their situation, throughthequestioningoftheir worlds. To me, this concept statement would be stronger with the "to adjust to their situation." In ‘Young girl at a Window’, the metaphysical aspects controlling her being are utilised to show the forceful nature of life in influencing change towards from adolescence to the larger world. The first line of the poem introduces the overarching motif of the poem, delineating that time is an omnipotent power as it forces her to “Lift your hand to the window latch”. The imperative elucidating this idea also portrays the passage of time to guide one’s development towards understanding of the real world. In reflecting consciously about the inevitable changes, the girl is uncertain “as she sigh, turnand moveaway.” Questions of change allow for the persona to let go of her youth, “fading air is stained with red”, symbolising the death of her past and growth of her future. In this process of renewing perceptions, the persona has formulated fearful pretensions as evident in the tone of tension and anticipation in the “guiltless minute hand is still… the watchful room… be hosts to you this final night” as she lies await of the unknown future. Through this change the persona has the capacity to question her world allowing her to “travel a journey with [her] eyes”, metaphorically signifying the positive speculations which have transformed from the previous fear. Absolutely seamless integration of the question here! Beautiful! Dobson further emphasises that the young girl’s changed perspective will force her to a long hardworking road however positive in that she will be successful. Thus, due to the discoveries as a result form the inevitability of ageing individuals will undergo transformative ramification in gaining renewed perceptions about their worlds. Wonderful! In this last sentence though, you talk about ageing, which has a different connotation to coming of age. I'd use the words you already have, because suddenly I'm thinking of older people, but really you just mean growing, getting older, etc. It's a small thing, but when I read it I thought I must have misunderstood the text, "where's the old person?"
Through the discovery of hidden beauties, an individual’s values about that finding will transform Expression here could be clearer. I think the main problem is that the beauties are hidden, therefore unknown, so how can the value of that transform if it does not already exist because it is unknown...if that makes sense? Perhaps talk about individuals realising a capacity to value beauties that they did not know existed, for they were hidden? Just play with this a little more :) . Throughout the ekphrastic poem ‘Wonder’, Dobson utilises the elusive rhyme and rhythm of her poem to accentuate the transcendental realisation of the beauty of art in Van Eyck’s painting which transforms her mindset of life. Dobson portrays the wonder associated with discovery through the use of collection of soundless adjectives, “wordless”, “voiceless”, “dumb”, “without ovation” Commas go inside the quotation marks - I know it looks a bit silly when you're doing them in quick succession, but y'know, it's how it is :) describes the experiences of discovery of beauty as transformative in that it is another world in one where one is left speechless. Similarly, to Young girl at A Window, an imperative is used, “Turn the page of the book and enter, marvelling” to convey that this discovery is also essential to the persona’s being. The use of diction in “marvelling” as well as “dazzled and “amazement” further accentuates the profundity of such a discovery. The use of a repertoire of historical and biblical figures which have undergone a discovery of one that is ground breaking and completely transformative such as in Lazurus’ “convers[ing] with angels” and Cortes’ discovery of the new “World”, it shows that Dobson can only accurately describe the impact of such discovery through examples of others. Thus emphasising the transformative nature of her discovery as juxtaposed as similar in extent to the allusion of important figures of the real world. Dobson’s use of the parenthetical statement, “I, also, wordless was there” amplifies the self-introspection and self-reflection in appreciating the new world of art. As a result of self-analysis, Dobson again represents discovery in having the ability to transform perceptions of different genres, in this poem through her own experience. Beautiful! This paragraph is wonderful. Everything is linked to back to discovery so eloquently! Your text is always analysed in relation to discovery which is very needed, and very well done!
Correspondingly, Discovery’s No need to capitalise :) capacity to renew perceptions and hence transform an individual is also represented by Alistair McLeod. Through representing time also as an inevitable force driving an individual to discoveries, To Everything there is a Season similarly shows the maturation of a young boy reinforcing the ideas within Dobson’s ‘Young girl’. McLeod introduces the short story through the Narrator (a grown man) “speaking of a time when [he] eleven”. Just for the purpose of being didactic - can you identify the type of Narrator? Voice of God? Third person? Omniscient? Before delving into his reminiscence he prefaces it with, “As we step into the nowness we often look into the past.” This paradoxical statement emblematic of self introspection and self reflection demonstrates the renewed perceptions the young boy (he once was) has formed due to his discoveries in the past. I'm also intrigued by the use of inclusive first person, "we," that's really unique! Surely there's a purpose to it. Is it engaging the reader to have their own discoveries alongside the character? You don't have to talk about this, but if it fits in, why not embrace it? It's a technical piece of analysis that most people won't really look into. The trope of Seasons, McLeod, symbolically represents the young boy’s growth and maturation as inevitable. The composer uses the motif of Christmas and “Santa Claus” to represent the beliefs of the innocent youth, and as the young boy “tries to hang on to him” he slowly loses this and discovers the harsher reality within the “adult side of the world”. The discovery of the myth attacks the narrator’s sense of stability and security and hence he realises he is uncertain of what is in store for him in the future. This loss in youth is represented in the metaphor, “it is as if I have suddenly moved into another room and heard a door click lastingly behind me. I am jabbed by my own small wound” further describes the authors feeling of sadness and fear from the transition "The loss of youth is metaphorically symbolised in..." just reads a little better than identifying "the metaphor." I'm being picky here, though! . However at the end of the story, his father reminds him that, “There is no need to grieve. He leaves good things behind. The reassurance, from a figure of admiration allows the young boy to develop renewed perceptions in that the future awaits us with challenges and rewards.
Individuals will often experience the transformative ramification of discovery when they are forced or influenced into a state of introspection and self reflection allowing for changed perceptions of different worlds. As seen Dobson’s poetry and McLeod’s short story, these transformative discoveries may sometimes result from the inevitability in the passage of time or the wonder of the world allowing for individual’s to change significantly in terms of outlook on life.
I think you've done incredible work here. You've really taken a simple question and attacked it with unique angles! I've been quite picky with it at some points, not because it's bad, but because it's actually really good and you're at the stage of adjusting these minor things now in order to inch towards the top marks. If you can produce this standard of work in an exam, you will be doing very well. The expression needs some more work at times, and this is most important in the concept statements - because this is how you are treating discovery after all. When those are crystal clear, I think you'll get a lot of reward!
In terms of preparing in another way, I suggest looking at past questions, or picking out questions from the rubric, and practice writing a thesis and three paragraph topic sentences for each question. This way, you're coherency of argument will improve, but you'll also become better at expression in a short time. If your exam is looming, I think this is the best way to move forward. Your analysis is so well linked to the question, do your best to do this again in the exam! :)
HEY so sorry to blow in but it seems that half of the feedback is crossed out and I'm not sure if it's intentional or not - essay is awesome by the way!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 17, 2017, 08:51:01 pm
HEY so sorry to blow in but it seems that half of the feedback is crossed out and I'm not sure if it's intentional or not - essay is awesome by the way!
Oh that is funny! The essay/feedback had this in it somewhere:
Code: [Select]
[s]And that is the code for strikethrough - That's what happened ;D fixed it up now!
Post by: bsdfjnlkasn on March 17, 2017, 10:05:47 pm
Oh that is funny! The essay/feedback had this in it somewhere:Code: [Select][s]
And that is the code for strikethrough - That's what happened ;D fixed it up now!
Are you sure? Sorry if my version hasn't updated yet :P
I probably shouldn't have brought it up in the first place sorry for making a big deal about it :-[
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 17, 2017, 10:21:59 pm
Are you sure? Sorry if my version hasn't updated yet :P
I probably shouldn't have brought it up in the first place sorry for making a big deal about it :-[
Oh nah I'm glad you did thanks heaps! Would be annoying af for the person getting feedback ;D
Should be good now, I thought I escaped it, just decided to delete the bad bits :P
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 18, 2017, 02:17:50 am
Post by: grace.estelle on March 18, 2017, 10:24:33 am
The question is: Great discoveries force the individual to look at the world in new and challenging ways.
The process of discovery is often stimulated through challenging an individual’s preconceptions of the world which enables them to see the world from new perspectives. Such is represented in William Shakespeare’s pastoral play The Tempest through an exploration of an individual’s internal struggle to come to peace with their past, which initiates their speculation about a society guided by fair principles. Similarly, JK Rowling’s autobiographical speech reveals the power of one’s personal experiences to offer others a challenging perspective of the social imbalance inherent within modern society. Both texts reveal how the cyclical process of reflecting enables them to accept newfound truths and speculate about new worlds and values
Unfamiliar worlds and experiences call for the reassessment of one’s own perspective. A catastrophic storm opens Shakespeare's play, signifying the disruption of natural order which functions to remove individuals from the reality of the Jacobean world. The rhetorical questioning “who cares these roarers for the name of the king?” criticizes the useless power of the nobility against the chaos of ‘the tempest’, thus instigating the potential for individuals to form new beliefs about the need for social hierarchy. Prospero’s initial tone of resentment upon his exile to a foreign island is highly evident in “my false brother/Awaked an evil nature,” tempting him to use magic in order to gain control over the supernatural. Yet it is this desire for control in The Tempest, which is questioned by Ariel in the ironic dialogue “your affections would become tender…mine would sir, were I human” that prompts Prospero’s speculation and re-evaluation of the oppressive use of magic for his own ends. The potential for discovery to offer fresh perspectives is evident in Prospero’s existential reflection “thou didst smile/ Infused with a fortitude from heaven,” to metaphorically highlight how Miranda’s innocence and virtue provoked his realisation that love and human relationships are often pivotal for one’s discovery of true happiness. As the magical illusion of the island begins to fade, Prospero projects to the collective audience, “let your indulgences set me free,” to entrust them with the power of envisioning a future based on respect and loyalty. Ultimately, the journey by ship to a foreign setting was common of the Renaissance spirit, as a way to inspire individuals to discover new ideas and speculate about humanity’s ‘rebirth’.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 19, 2017, 07:22:02 am
Hey! I have an exam next week and I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my first paragraph? I'm trying to cut down to around 230 words but I think what is preventing me is that my links are too long.
The question is: Great discoveries force the individual to look at the world in new and challenging ways.
Of course Grace! :)
Spoiler
The process of discovery is often stimulated through challenging an individual’s preconceptions of the world which enables enabling them to see the world from new perspectives. Such is represented in William Shakespeare’s pastoral play The Tempest through an exploration of an individual’s internal struggle to come to peace with their past, which initiates their speculation about a society guided by fair principles. Similarly, JK Rowling’s autobiographical speech reveals the power of one’s personal experiences to offer others a challenging perspective of the social imbalance inherent within modern society. Both texts reveal how the cyclical process of reflecting enables them to accept newfound truths and speculate about new worlds and values. Beautiful!
Unfamiliar worlds and experiences call perhaps prompt is a better word here."Call" isn't incorrect, it makes sense, but it doesn't make as much sense as "prompt" for the reassessment of one’s own perspective. A catastrophic storm opens Shakespeare's play, signifying the disruption of natural order which functions to remove individuals from the reality of the Jacobean world. The rhetorical questioning “who cares these roarers for the name of the king?” criticizes criticises*the useless power of the nobility against the chaos of ‘the tempest’, thus instigating the potential for individuals to form new beliefs about the need for social hierarchy. Great link! Prospero’s initial tone of resentment upon his exile to a foreign island is highly evident in “my false brother/Awaked an evil nature,” tempting him to use magic in order to gain control over the supernatural. You haven't identified a solid technique in this part here, so it doesn't really add much to the discussion except to identify an initial stance of a character. Yet it is this desire for control in The Tempest, which is questioned by Ariel in the ironic dialogue “your affections would become tender…mine would sir, were I human” that prompts Prospero’s speculation and re-evaluation of the oppressive use of magic for his own ends. The potential for discovery to offer fresh perspectives is evident in Prospero’s existential reflection “thou didst smile/ Infused with a fortitude from heaven,” to metaphorically highlight how Miranda’s innocence and virtue provoked his realisation that love and human relationships are often pivotal for one’s discovery of true happiness. As the magical illusion of the island begins to fade, Prospero projects to the collective audience, “let your indulgences set me free,” to entrust them with the power of envisioning a future based on respect and loyalty. Ultimately, the journey by ship to a foreign setting was common of the Renaissance spirit, as a way to inspire individuals to discover new ideas and speculate about humanity’s ‘rebirth’.
Unfamiliar worlds and experiences call perhaps prompt is a better word here."Call" isn't incorrect, it makes sense, but it doesn't make as much sense as "prompt" for the reassessment of one’s own perspective. A catastrophic storm opens Shakespeare's play, signifying the disruption of natural order which functions to remove individuals from the reality of the Jacobean world. The rhetorical questioning “who cares these roarers for the name of the king?” criticizes criticises*the useless power of the nobility against the chaos of ‘the tempest’, thus instigating the potential for individuals to form new beliefs about the need for social hierarchy. Great link! Prospero’s initial tone of resentment upon his exile to a foreign island is highly evident in “my false brother/Awaked an evil nature,” tempting him to use magic in order to gain control over the supernatural. You haven't identified a solid technique in this part here, so it doesn't really add much to the discussion except to identify an initial stance of a character. Yet it is this desire for control in The Tempest, which is questioned by Ariel in the ironic dialogue “your affections would become tender…mine would sir, were I human” that prompts Prospero’s speculation and re-evaluation of the oppressive use of magic for his own ends. The potential for discovery to offer fresh perspectives is evident in Prospero’s existential reflection “thou didst smile/ Infused with a fortitude from heaven,” to metaphorically highlight how Miranda’s innocence and virtue provoked his realisation that love and human relationships are often pivotal for one’s discovery of true happiness. As the magical illusion of the island begins to fade, Prospero projects to the collective audience, “let your indulgences set me free,” to entrust them with the power of envisioning a future based on respect and loyalty. Ultimately, the journey by ship to a foreign setting was common of the Renaissance spirit, as a way to inspire individuals to discover new ideas and speculate about humanity’s ‘rebirth’.
I think you've done an excellent job here. Where there is no technique - you have the choice of adding one or cutting the sentence if you are looking to cull words still! I don't think you take too long to make the link, I think this is a tight little paragraph! :)
Post by: grace.estelle on March 19, 2017, 09:20:50 am
Of course Grace! :)
I think you've done an excellent job here. Where there is no technique - you have the choice of adding one or cutting the sentence if you are looking to cull words still! I don't think you take too long to make the link, I think this is a tight little paragraph! :)
Thank you Elyse! ;D There is one thing I'm concerned about though. My teacher always says im not being specific enough when I hand in drafts. However under exam situations, I don't think I get marked down for being a little vague. What do you think will happen in the hsc though say if I write "Both texts reveal how the cyclical process of reflecting enables them to accept newfound truths and speculate about new worlds and values." (because new worlds and values are taken straight from the syllabus, I feel like they will not like how I am not expanding)
Also for example if I say "form new beliefs about the need for social hierarchy," my teacher will probably say 'what new beliefs, be specific' and I just don't get it :'(
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 19, 2017, 08:06:50 pm
Thank you Elyse! ;D There is one thing I'm concerned about though. My teacher always says im not being specific enough when I hand in drafts. However under exam situations, I don't think I get marked down for being a little vague. What do you think will happen in the hsc though say if I write "Both texts reveal how the cyclical process of reflecting enables them to accept newfound truths and speculate about new worlds and values." (because new worlds and values are taken straight from the syllabus, I feel like they will not like how I am not expanding)I see your dilemma..I think your teacher is pushing you in the direction of not being good, but great. You can use the words of the rubric, that's really quite fine, particularly in a conclusion where you're just summarising. But if you can be specific in your body paragraphs about the exact beliefs, you bring a better contrast between your two texts, thus improving your analysis overall. It could be as simple as identifying the theme the belief regards and then letting the quotes speak for themself.
Also for example if I say "form new beliefs about the need for social hierarchy," my teacher will probably say 'what new beliefs, be specific' and I just don't get it :'(
So:
Intro: identify that new beliefs are experienced and new worlds are encountered. When introducing each text, give a unique spin on each...like one explores planned discoveries and another explores unplanned, for example.
Body paragraph text one: Says new beliefs are encountered, especially in the realms of societal expectations of courtship...(saying what the beliefs relate to), then in the evidence of the paragraph you'll specifically identify the new belief that men don't have to court women, or something to this effect...
Does this make sense? I mean, I don't know exactly what your teacher wants but I don't think you have to be super specific in the intro, I think that comes later. What do you think?
Post by: Kle123 on March 20, 2017, 03:48:00 pm
In terms of preparing in another way, I suggest looking at past questions, or picking out questions from the rubric, and practice writing a thesis and three paragraph topic sentences for each question. This way, you're coherency of argument will improve, but you'll also become better at expression in a short time. If your exam is looming, I think this is the best way to move forward. Your analysis is so well linked to the question, do your best to do this again in the exam! :)
Hi Elyse, i'm extremely sorry for the late reply showing my gratitude. Thank you so much for the feedback, compliments, and encouragement, it really made my day. I had it marked by my school teacher today, and i don't think she could say the same though because she practically questioned every few lines of the essay critiquing the thesis and and my links. IDK. Since the exam is this week, ill just try to write in the same manner and disregard her feedback. I've edited my essay using your feedback and its much better. Thank you again Elyse for giving me the confidence I needed.
Post by: grace.estelle on March 20, 2017, 06:14:37 pm
I see your dilemma..I think your teacher is pushing you in the direction of not being good, but great. You can use the words of the rubric, that's really quite fine, particularly in a conclusion where you're just summarising. But if you can be specific in your body paragraphs about the exact beliefs, you bring a better contrast between your two texts, thus improving your analysis overall. It could be as simple as identifying the theme the belief regards and then letting the quotes speak for themself.
So:
Intro: identify that new beliefs are experienced and new worlds are encountered. When introducing each text, give a unique spin on each...like one explores planned discoveries and another explores unplanned, for example.
Body paragraph text one: Says new beliefs are encountered, especially in the realms of societal expectations of courtship...(saying what the beliefs relate to), then in the evidence of the paragraph you'll specifically identify the new belief that men don't have to court women, or something to this effect...
Does this make sense? I mean, I don't know exactly what your teacher wants but I don't think you have to be super specific in the intro, I think that comes later. What do you think?
Yes, this makes sense thank you!!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 22, 2017, 12:02:46 am
Hi Elyse, i'm extremely sorry for the late reply showing my gratitude. Thank you so much for the feedback, compliments, and encouragement, it really made my day. I had it marked by my school teacher today, and i don't think she could say the same though because she practically questioned every few lines of the essay critiquing the thesis and and my links. IDK. Since the exam is this week, ill just try to write in the same manner and disregard her feedback. I've edited my essay using your feedback and its much better. Thank you again Elyse for giving me the confidence I needed.
I'm glad I could give you a bit of positivity about it even if your teacher wasn't so convinced! But in the end, your teacher is marking it for the upcoming tasks. Feel free to let me know what her feedback is and we can work out how to integrate it into the essay, and it will also help me improve the feedback I give :)
Keep your head high and plough on! :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 22, 2017, 09:08:51 pm
Hi,
I'd just love some feedback as to whether my response refers to the question properly throughout. Apart from that, I don't have any particular concern abut my essay, just any feedback you could give me would be amazing. Also if you could estimate what mark this essay might get :) Thank you so much!
Welcome to the forums Carissaml! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay - Our essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts for each essay you'd like feedback for. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up ;D
If you hang around the site a bit, I bet you'll reach that threshold in no time :)
Post by: Claudiaa on March 24, 2017, 05:50:47 pm
Some key notes before you begin reading, 1. This has to be in the form of a letter, persuading why my selected texts should be chosen (still in the process of doing this... transforming it from an essay to a letter)
2. It would be greatly appreciated if you could criticise this as harshly as you can
3. Some links are missing purely because I just need this letter/essay to be criticised first and then I can move on and properly form it how it's supposed to be
4. It needs to be greatly condensed, so worst parts will get taken out asap
5. THANK YOU SO MUCH
It has recently been brought to my awareness your upcoming documentary is in search of culturally fundamental texts, focusing on the multidimensional concept of belonging. Given this, the texts that I have selected would be critical components to your program ‘Who do you think you are’. The texts each explore belonging as the universal, intrinsic feeling of security and placement, derived by connections to people, places or ideals. Parallel to the urges of Australian contemporary society, the need to belong is prompted by human instinct, which promotes social conformity. American Beauty (Sam Mendes 1999), Mirror (Sylvia Plath 1961) and the Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller profoundly examine these concepts of belonging.
The play, the Death of a Salesman effectively explores the inherent relationship between social conformity and the repercussions on one’s emotional and psychological state of mind in attempting to conform.
Drawing roots from the American Dream, the fundamental plays follows a troubled salesman, Willy Loman in his attempt to conform with this materialistic and hedonistic approach to life, much like that of today’s. Initially, Willy defiantly depicts himself as successful and well known, “And they know me, they know me up and down the town...I never have to wait in line to see a buyer.” However, this ironic situation and contrast between his perceived success and reality is evident moments later when accumulation highlights the deterioration of his state of mind as a result of Willy attempting to conform to the standards of the American Dream; “sixteen dollars on the refrigerator...the fan broke..the washing machine..then the roof.” Further, Willy exhibits contrasting tones and juxtaposed dialogue that reflect his confused psychological state in his attempt to belong. Willy initially yells at Biff, “Not finding yourself at the age of thirty-four is a disgrace!”, carrying an imperative, bitter tone but later adds: “Greatest thing in the world for him was to bum around.” The fluidity, with which Willy transitions between these two tones and ideas conveys Willy’s self-contradictions in his inconsistent thoughts, serving as an exemplar example of Willy’s confusion and internal division. Moreover, demotic dialogue and figurative language are used to emphasise Willy’s emotional stress, ‘You can't eat the orange and throw the peel away- a man is not a piece of fruit’. Miller provides Willy with a line heavily influenced by the rhythms of New York speech, amplifying Willy’s inability to conform with social ideologies and hence the exhausted, detrimental effect on his emotional state. Ultimately, when individuals fail to conform, they tend to experience the ramifications on their emotional and psychological state.
Additionally, Miller’s Death of a Salesman, distinctively highlights that a lack of connection to familial ties can create a sense of physical dislocation within an individual. Willy’s antagonism with his son, Biff, is insinuated in his fateful encounter of his father and the Woman. Biff, crestfallen carries a condescending tone and uses anaphora, “You fake, you phony little fake!’, ultimately encapsulating the disconnected familial ties Willy shares with his son. The use of allusions and similes, “both built like Adonises” and “like a young God Hercules” further ensues the incoherent relationship between Willy and his sons, where his mythologised illusions of grandeur imply that Willy does not truly know his own sons. Hence, Willy’s detachment from his family leads to a sense of physical displacement from his environment. This is evident through the symbolic props of the ‘three chairs’ despite there being four residents within the household, serving as a pivotal device in capturing Willy’s isolation from his environment due to his alienation from his family. Moreover, negative connotations are used to describe Willy’s surrounding environment, as ‘towering’, ‘angular shapes’ serves as a stirring counterweight to his physical dislocation derived from his distant connection to his family. This notion is furthered in the contrasting statement ‘solid vault of apartment houses around the small, fragile-seeming home’. Hence, there is an inextricable link between a disconnection to familial ties and a sense of displacement from one’s physical environment.
Similarly, the poem “Mirror” by Sylvia Plath, extensively examines the compelling message that despair and discontent can arise from the inability to conform, hence to fulfil the intrinsic urge to conform individuals may turn to subconscious fabrications. Plath’s poignant poem, entails the reality of aging and how a woman is frustrated to see her gradually fading beauty and youth through a mirror protagonist. Zoomorphism is harshly used as the mirror identifies her as “a terrible fish,” not even rendering her humanity. The slippery and unnerving "fish" in the poem alludes to the persona’s unavoidable, darker self that cannot help but challenge the socially acceptable self, ultimately encapsulating the persona’s unpleasant image that restricts her from belonging. Further, the metaphoric reference of the candles and the moon as “liars”, insinuates that they provide a faux reflection of the persona. Although, the persona seeks these “liars” based on the human instinct to conform, the moon and candles are not an escape, but a barrier the persona constructed around herself - deceptively hiding wrinkles, and other companions of the aging process. The symbolic shift of the protagonist from a mirror to a lake in the second stanza suggests that a lake cannot reflect as exact as a mirror. However, it successfully symbolises the flow of time and age and hence the beauty being drowned in the lake, alongside the drowning of the persona’s sense of belonging she previously felt. Evidently, the analysis of Plath’s potent poem, “Mirror’s”, provides viewers of the SBS program ...... yet to link.
Alternatively, Mendes’ film ‘American Beauty’ explicitly analyses that the human instinct to conform by social ideologies creates high levels of dissatisfaction and isolation within those who have been lead to believe its promises of false prosperity. Lester Burham has everything in life that should make him happy; a plethora of goods and a seemingly happy family. Although, he feels that he has been “in a coma, for the past twenty years”. This hyperbolic metaphor insinuates his isolated entrapment in the malevolent working cycle imposed within the American Dream, alongside the metaphorical imprisonment of his happiness. Serving as foil to this is Colonel Fitts, who is so desperate to conform, that he hides his sexuality. This is emphasised in the scene where he accuses his son Ricky about being homosexual. His aggressive tone and use of vulgar language towards homosexuality acts as a facade to the truth and becomes emblematic of the Fitt’s sense of isolation and despair. Additionally, the montage of the Burham family moments after Lester is shot elucidates the once united, happy family, now dissatisfied and segregated by the social ideology of the American Dream. Forgot my link here, because I think I need another example
Subsequently, in this respect, it is evident that the true ambivalence the multifacted concept of belonging exists in the interpretation of each text discussed, hence it is imperative that these texts are included in the ‘Who do you think you are’ program. One of the many signature virtues of my selected texts is its ability to speak to audiences around the world with astonishing immediacy and clarity, in that it has a way of monopolising discussions about the texts and the features of belonging that so consistently resonates within Australian contemporary society, whilst simultaneously reaching out to new audiences, renewing key concepts of belonging in the process.
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 25, 2017, 05:13:54 am
So this is my essay-speech. It is a 4 min speech with 30 seconds lean way, and was wondering which parts I should remove in my essay. Feedback will be amazing. ;) 8)
PS: I'm not sure if this is the right thread to post... ???
Hey! You're in the right spot :)
Spoiler
♣ An understanding of identity, relationships and connections are shaped by a sense of belonging.
A sense of belonging is transitory, and is an ever-changing concept that varies for individuals from one stage of their life to another through phases of life. These perceptions are shaped within personal and cultural identities which emerge from the connections that are made between people, places and society itself. However, people willingly elect to not belong or may be hindered by barriers which have been forced upon them. I don't think this idea is explored enough in the essay? John Steinbeck’s 1937 ‘Of Mice and Men’ novella and Shaun Tan’s 2001 ‘The Red Tree’ are two texts that capture these relationships that which either enrich or challenge a person or group.
Composed by John Steinbeck, an itinerant man similar to the protagonists George and Lennie, based this novella on the people and experiences he had during due the Great Depression. As unemployment levels increased, thousands flocked to California in hope to establish the American Dream during hardships that confronted them. The setting occurs in the ranches and a vivid image casts the readers throughout the novella. Likewise Shaun Tan’s picture book called the ‘Red Tree’, captures a journey in a dark world that highlights the experiences of depression from a lonely red-headed girl.
Loneliness is an integral theme that is evoked throughout the novella and picture book, and identity could be tarnished. Set in ‘Soledad’, which refers to solitude, and ‘Solitaire’, the card game played by the ranch men also reinforces loneliness, in OMAM. And how does loneliness link to belonging? Is loneliness synonymous with not-belonging? Does it inspire someone to try and belong?This setting casts a very idyllic, serene setting, which leads the reader’s into a false sense of security about Soledad. The novella is cyclical which contains six chapters and expressed in third person omniscient. . From the opening chapter, Steinbeck conveys the loneliness experienced by the ranch workers who in particular are far lonely than others.”Guys like us that work on the ranches are the loneliest guys in the world”. As the narrative is in third person omniscient, it provides readers insight to the connections of the ranch men and they predominantly do not have connections whatsoever. You haven't approached belonging in this paragraph. If someone is experiencing isolation/loneliness, does this alienate them more or does it inspire them to belong?
Crooks is at the centre of racial prejudice during the 30’s, and is hindered due to his different skin colour from the rest of the ranch men. Unable to communicate with other ranch men, Crooks is isolated and has a separate room where the majority of his time he is reading books. This is illustrated when he was having a heated discussion with Lennie, "S'pose you didn't have nobody. Books ain't no good. A guy needs somebody to be near him. A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody”. The repetition and emotive language alluded by Steinbeck, condemns the treatment of Crooks, implying he is basically inexistent. The image that spreads across the whole page with few words “darkness overcomes you”, it is metaphorically implying darkness will prevail and every happy memory will become distant. The salient fish hovering around the page is symbolic of loneliness. This juxtaposition in this image, comparing the mammoth sized fish, in contrast to the smallness of the girl. It demonstrates her emotions are clouding her mind, and subsequently has aroused her to question her identity. The third person omniscient in both text allows the reader to truly understand Crook’s experiences and isolation has impacted him and also the fish’s mouth conveys emptiness that surrounds society that entraps the girl. It can be viewed from this theme of loneliness, that both individuals have a lack of identity and thus has been shaped from their own perceptions of belonging. Again, belonging is only targetted specifically in this last sentence. You are talking about the text well throughout, but you need to look at weaving belonging into each time you talk about the text, not just at the end. It might feel repetitive for you, but remember that because this is a speech you can change up the way you're presenting it so that even when you're saying the same words, it won't sound the same each time because you can phrase them differently, and use your voice to give a different feel.
The nature of dreams and goals, creates connection and meaning. The two itinerant men, George and Lennie are two opposite characters that form an unusual complementary relationship. George is described with definite features “Bony”, “nosey” “skinny” and “restless eyes”, conveying that he is a strong-minded man who is weary of his surroundings and his companion Lennie, whose innocent actions consequently gets both of them in trouble. Conversely, Lennie is a huge man, “shapeless of face, dragging his feet the way a bear would drag his paws”. Immediately from this comparison, Steinbeck explicitly utilises juxtaposing antonyms to convey that Lennie is different and does not understand the economic situations which face them. Though Lennie is incompetent, Lennie is the driving power in the hopes of both that they will live “off the fatta land”. This is a recurring motif throughout the novella as when George recites the ‘dream farm’ story, Lennie excitedly disrupts George, as he is eager and excited that one day, the duo will have their dreams come true. Likewise in ‘The Red Tree’, a myriad of feelings overwhelm her mind viewing a red seed blossoming upon her room. The quote “Just as you imagined it” is also a motif to sustain hope and acceptance, and the use of red colour, lighting and body language supports this. Nice link! Gloomy colours were recurrent throughout the picture book, however this image displayed bright colours which reinvigorated her self-acceptance and freedom. However, “terrible fates are inevitable”. The girl is pictured holding a dice and precariously walking up the stairs. This metaphor conjured by Tan, indicates that what you desire, may not be what you were hoping for and thus belonging is ever-changing.
Belonging is shaped by the people, places and society that we interact with. There are few recluses who withdraw from society to seek solitude, or may be hindered due to barriers which entraps them. However, many seek a utopian and idyllic world, which may vary from person to person, who in their own right may perceive belonging differently. Nevertheless, belonging is transitory and from the texts explored, it can be deduced that the inevitable choices, shape our sense of belonging.
A sense of belonging is transitory, and is an ever-changing concept that varies for individuals
Composed by John Steinbeck, an itinerant man similar to the protagonists George and Lennie, based this novella on the people and experiences he had during due the Great Depression. As unemployment levels increased, thousands flocked to California in hope to establish the American Dream during hardships that confronted them. The setting occurs in the ranches and a vivid image casts the readers throughout the novella. Likewise Shaun Tan’s picture book called the ‘Red Tree’, captures a journey in a dark world that highlights the experiences of depression from a lonely red-headed girl.
Loneliness is an integral theme that is evoked throughout the novella and picture book, and identity could be tarnished. Set in ‘Soledad’, which refers to solitude, and ‘Solitaire’, the card game played by the ranch men also reinforces loneliness, in OMAM. And how does loneliness link to belonging? Is loneliness synonymous with not-belonging? Does it inspire someone to try and belong?This setting casts a very idyllic, serene setting, which leads the reader’s into a false sense of security about Soledad. The novella is cyclical which contains six chapters and expressed in third person omniscient. . From the opening chapter, Steinbeck conveys the loneliness experienced by the ranch workers who in particular are far lonely than others.”Guys like us that work on the ranches are the loneliest guys in the world”. As the narrative is in third person omniscient, it provides readers insight to the connections of the ranch men and they predominantly do not have connections whatsoever. You haven't approached belonging in this paragraph. If someone is experiencing isolation/loneliness, does this alienate them more or does it inspire them to belong?
Crooks is at the centre of racial prejudice during the 30’s, and is hindered due to his different skin colour from the rest of the ranch men. Unable to communicate with other ranch men, Crooks is isolated and has a separate room where the majority of his time he is reading books. This is illustrated when he was having a heated discussion with Lennie, "S'pose you didn't have nobody. Books ain't no good. A guy needs somebody to be near him. A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody”. The repetition and emotive language alluded by Steinbeck, condemns the treatment of Crooks, implying he is basically inexistent. The image that spreads across the whole page with few words “darkness overcomes you”, it is metaphorically implying darkness will prevail and every happy memory will become distant. The salient fish hovering around the page is symbolic of loneliness. This juxtaposition in this image, comparing the mammoth sized fish, in contrast to the smallness of the girl. It demonstrates her emotions are clouding her mind, and subsequently has aroused her to question her identity. The third person omniscient in both text allows the reader to truly understand Crook’s experiences and isolation has impacted him and also the fish’s mouth conveys emptiness that surrounds society that entraps the girl. It can be viewed from this theme of loneliness, that both individuals have a lack of identity and thus has been shaped from their own perceptions of belonging. Again, belonging is only targetted specifically in this last sentence. You are talking about the text well throughout, but you need to look at weaving belonging into each time you talk about the text, not just at the end. It might feel repetitive for you, but remember that because this is a speech you can change up the way you're presenting it so that even when you're saying the same words, it won't sound the same each time because you can phrase them differently, and use your voice to give a different feel.
The nature of dreams and goals, creates connection and meaning. The two itinerant men, George and Lennie are two opposite characters that form an unusual complementary relationship. George is described with definite features “Bony”, “nosey” “skinny” and “restless eyes”, conveying that he is a strong-minded man who is weary of his surroundings and his companion Lennie, whose innocent actions consequently gets both of them in trouble. Conversely, Lennie is a huge man, “shapeless of face, dragging his feet the way a bear would drag his paws”. Immediately from this comparison, Steinbeck explicitly utilises juxtaposing antonyms to convey that Lennie is different and does not understand the economic situations which face them. Though Lennie is incompetent, Lennie is the driving power in the hopes of both that they will live “off the fatta land”. This is a recurring motif throughout the novella as when George recites the ‘dream farm’ story, Lennie excitedly disrupts George, as he is eager and excited that one day, the duo will have their dreams come true. Likewise in ‘The Red Tree’, a myriad of feelings overwhelm her mind viewing a red seed blossoming upon her room. The quote “Just as you imagined it” is also a motif to sustain hope and acceptance, and the use of red colour, lighting and body language supports this. Nice link! Gloomy colours were recurrent throughout the picture book, however this image displayed bright colours which reinvigorated her self-acceptance and freedom. However, “terrible fates are inevitable”. The girl is pictured holding a dice and precariously walking up the stairs. This metaphor conjured by Tan, indicates that what you desire, may not be what you were hoping for and thus belonging is ever-changing.
Belonging is shaped by the people, places and society that we interact with. There are few recluses who withdraw from society to seek solitude, or may be hindered due to barriers which entraps them. However, many seek a utopian and idyllic world, which may vary from person to person, who in their own right may perceive belonging differently. Nevertheless, belonging is transitory and from the texts explored, it can be deduced that the inevitable choices, shape our sense of belonging.
Three sentences given to one text, and the bulk of the speech given to the rest, tells me that when you're culling - you should cull from OMAM! There's a lot in there that doesn't specifically relate to belonging. So, when you're ready to cut things out, look directly to OMAM. It seems unusual to me that the second text is given such little time, is this what your teacher has suggested? I'd try to cut the equivalent of a paragraph worth of content from OMAM ans add extra to the Red Tree.
As I suggested above as well: be more explicit about the idea of not belonging. Does it inspire someone to want to belong? Does it make it harder for someone to belong? Does it alienate them further? I don't think the ramifications of feeling like you belong or don't belong are explored deeply enough, but rather just that someone doesn't belong.
There's no problem with your expression or your writing, the focus now is on addressing the module in the most productive way possible :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 25, 2017, 05:47:01 am
To Jamon in particular, since this is focused on Belonging :D
Some key notes before you begin reading, 1. This has to be in the form of a letter, persuading why my selected texts should be chosen (still in the process of doing this... transforming it from an essay to a letter)
2. It would be greatly appreciated if you could criticise this as harshly as you can
3. Some links are missing purely because I just need this letter/essay to be criticised first and then I can move on and properly form it how it's supposed to be
4. It needs to be greatly condensed, so worst parts will get taken out asap
5. THANK YOU SO MUCH
Hey! Not Jamon, but hopefully I can give a good hand here :)
Spoiler
Do you need to address the letter to someone?
It has recently been brought to my awareness your upcoming documentary is in search of culturally fundamental texts, focusing on the multidimensional concept of belonging. Given this, the texts that I have selected would be critical components to your program ‘Who do you think you are’. The texts each explore belonging as the universal, intrinsic feeling of security and placement, derived by connections to people, places or ideals. Parallel to the urges of Australian contemporary society, the need to belong is prompted by human instinct, which promotes social conformity. American Beauty (Sam Mendes 1999), Mirror (Sylvia Plath 1961) and the Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller profoundly examine these concepts of belonging. Love this!!!!!]\
The play, the Death of a Salesman effectively explores the inherent relationship between social conformity and the repercussions on one’s emotional and psychological state of mind in attempting to conform.
Drawing roots from the American Dream, the fundamental plays follows a troubled salesman, Willy Loman in his attempt to conform with this materialistic and hedonistic approach to life, much like that of today’s. Initially, Willy defiantly depicts himself as successful and well known, “And they know me, they know me up and down the town...I never have to wait in line to see a buyer.” However, this ironic situation and contrast between his perceived success and reality is evident moments later when accumulation highlights the deterioration of his state of mind as a result of Willy attempting to conform to the standards of the American Dream; “sixteen dollars on the refrigerator...the fan broke..the washing machine..then the roof.” Further, Willy exhibits contrasting tones and juxtaposed dialogue that reflect his confused psychological state in his attempt to belong. I think this is a good point to address your letter-receiver!Willy initially yells at Biff, “Not finding yourself at the age of thirty-four is a disgrace!”, carrying an imperative, bitter tone but later adds: “Greatest thing in the world for him was to bum around.” The fluidity, with which Willy transitions between these two tones and ideas conveys Willy’s self-contradictions in his inconsistent thoughts, serving as an exemplar example of Willy’s confusion and internal division. Moreover, demotic dialogue and figurative language are used to emphasise Willy’s emotional stress, ‘You can't eat the orange and throw the peel away- a man is not a piece of fruit’. Miller provides Willy with a line heavily influenced by the rhythms of New York speech, amplifying Willy’s inability to conform with social ideologies and hence the exhausted, detrimental effect on his emotional state. Ultimately, when individuals fail to conform, they tend to experience the ramifications on their emotional and psychological state. I think your analysis is wonderful, it's very tightly written and expressive. As you probably already have identified, this needs to address the letter-receiver more. You also need to link more directly to the term "belonging" (or synonyms), and I think these two will work together. So when you go to write such a sentence, it can be a perfect pairing of, "This would be great for your purposes because *add unique ideas about discovery*"
Additionally, Miller’s Death of a Salesman, distinctively highlights that a lack of connection to familial ties can create a sense of physical dislocation within an individual. Willy’s antagonism with his son, Biff, is insinuated in his fateful encounter of his father and the Woman. Biff, crestfallen carries a condescending tone and uses anaphora, “You fake, you phony little fake!’, ultimately encapsulating the disconnected familial ties Willy shares with his son. The use of allusions and similes, “both built like Adonises” and “like a young God Hercules” further ensues the incoherent relationship between Willy and his sons, where his mythologised illusions of grandeur imply that Willy does not truly know his own sons perfect spot here to link to the addressee. "Further ensues...thus making a perfect candidate for your selection...". Hence, Willy’s detachment from his family leads to a sense of physical displacement from his environment. This is evident through the symbolic props of the ‘three chairs’ despite there being four residents within the household, serving as a pivotal device in capturing Willy’s isolation from his environment due to his alienation from his family. Moreover, negative connotations are used to describe Willy’s surrounding environment, as ‘towering’, ‘angular shapes’ serves as a stirring counterweight to his physical dislocation derived from his distant connection to his family. This notion is furthered in the contrasting statement ‘solid vault of apartment houses around the small, fragile-seeming home’. Hence, there is an inextricable link between a disconnection to familial ties and a sense of displacement from one’s physical environment.
Also a perfect candidate for your collection...Similarly, the poem “Mirror” by Sylvia Plath, extensively examines the compelling message that despair and discontent can arise from the inability to conform, hence to fulfil the intrinsic urge to conform individuals may turn to subconscious fabrications. Plath’s poignant poem, entails the reality of ageing and how a woman is frustrated to see her gradually fading beauty and youth through a mirror protagonist. Zoomorphism is harshly used as the mirror identifies her as “a terrible fish,” not even rendering her humanity. The slippery and unnerving "fish" in the poem alludes to the persona’s unavoidable, darker self that cannot help but challenge the socially acceptable self, ultimately encapsulating the persona’s unpleasant image that restricts her from belonging. Further, the metaphoric reference of the candles and the moon as “liars”, insinuates that they provide a faux reflection of the persona. Although, the persona seeks these “liars” based on the human instinct to conform, the moon and candles are not an escape, but a barrier the persona constructed around herself - deceptively hiding wrinkles, and other companions of the ageing process. The symbolic shift of the protagonist from a mirror to a lake in the second stanza suggests that a lake cannot reflect as exact as a mirror. However, it successfully symbolises the flow of time and age and hence the beauty being drowned in the lake, alongside the drowning of the persona’s sense of belonging she previously felt. Evidently, the analysis of Plath’s potent poem, “Mirror’s”, provides viewers of the SBS program ...... yet to link. Yes...make sure in this link you show a new view to what the first text did. Really sell it. So, Sylvia Plath's text shows blah blah blah, which provides a unique alternative view to the treatment of belonging in..."
Alternatively, Mendes’ film ‘American Beauty’ explicitly analyses that the human instinct to conform by social ideologies creates high levels of dissatisfaction and isolation within those who have been lead to believe its promises of false prosperity. Lester Burham has everything in life that should make him happy; a plethora of goods and a seemingly happy family. Although, he feels that he has been “in a coma, for the past twenty years”. This hyperbolic metaphor insinuates his isolated entrapment in the malevolent working cycle imposed within the American Dream, alongside the metaphorical imprisonment of his happiness. Serving as foil to this is Colonel Fitts, who is so desperate to conform, that he hides his sexuality. This is emphasised in the scene where he accuses his son Ricky about being homosexual. His aggressive tone and use of vulgar language towards homosexuality acts as a facade to the truth and becomes emblematic of the Fitt’s sense of isolation and despair. Additionally, the montage of the Burham family moments after Lester is shot elucidates the once united, happy family, now dissatisfied and segregated by the social ideology of the American Dream. Forgot my link here, because I think I need another example. You could definitely stop it here - it means the analysis of this text is shorter but if you're looking to cut down on words...
Subsequently, in this respect, it is evident that the true ambivalence the multifacted concept of belonging exists in the interpretation of each text discussed, hence it is imperative that these texts are included in the ‘Who do you think you are’ program. One of the many signature virtues of my selected texts is its ability to speak to audiences around the world with astonishing immediacy and clarity, in that it has a way of monopolising discussions about the texts and the features of belonging that so consistently resonates within Australian contemporary society, whilst simultaneously reaching out to new audiences, renewing key concepts of belonging in the process.
It has recently been brought to my awareness your upcoming documentary is in search of culturally fundamental texts, focusing on the multidimensional concept of belonging. Given this, the texts that I have selected would be critical components to your program ‘Who do you think you are’. The texts each explore belonging as the universal, intrinsic feeling of security and placement, derived by connections to people, places or ideals. Parallel to the urges of Australian contemporary society, the need to belong is prompted by human instinct, which promotes social conformity. American Beauty (Sam Mendes 1999), Mirror (Sylvia Plath 1961) and the Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller profoundly examine these concepts of belonging. Love this!!!!!]\
The play, the Death of a Salesman effectively explores the inherent relationship between social conformity and the repercussions on one’s emotional and psychological state of mind in attempting to conform.
Drawing roots from the American Dream, the fundamental plays follows a troubled salesman, Willy Loman in his attempt to conform with this materialistic and hedonistic approach to life, much like that of today’s. Initially, Willy defiantly depicts himself as successful and well known, “And they know me, they know me up and down the town...I never have to wait in line to see a buyer.” However, this ironic situation and contrast between his perceived success and reality is evident moments later when accumulation highlights the deterioration of his state of mind as a result of Willy attempting to conform to the standards of the American Dream; “sixteen dollars on the refrigerator...the fan broke..the washing machine..then the roof.” Further, Willy exhibits contrasting tones and juxtaposed dialogue that reflect his confused psychological state in his attempt to belong. I think this is a good point to address your letter-receiver!Willy initially yells at Biff, “Not finding yourself at the age of thirty-four is a disgrace!”, carrying an imperative, bitter tone but later adds: “Greatest thing in the world for him was to bum around.” The fluidity, with which Willy transitions between these two tones and ideas conveys Willy’s self-contradictions in his inconsistent thoughts, serving as an exemplar example of Willy’s confusion and internal division. Moreover, demotic dialogue and figurative language are used to emphasise Willy’s emotional stress, ‘You can't eat the orange and throw the peel away- a man is not a piece of fruit’. Miller provides Willy with a line heavily influenced by the rhythms of New York speech, amplifying Willy’s inability to conform with social ideologies and hence the exhausted, detrimental effect on his emotional state. Ultimately, when individuals fail to conform, they tend to experience the ramifications on their emotional and psychological state. I think your analysis is wonderful, it's very tightly written and expressive. As you probably already have identified, this needs to address the letter-receiver more. You also need to link more directly to the term "belonging" (or synonyms), and I think these two will work together. So when you go to write such a sentence, it can be a perfect pairing of, "This would be great for your purposes because *add unique ideas about discovery*"
Additionally, Miller’s Death of a Salesman, distinctively highlights that a lack of connection to familial ties can create a sense of physical dislocation within an individual. Willy’s antagonism with his son, Biff, is insinuated in his fateful encounter of his father and the Woman. Biff, crestfallen carries a condescending tone and uses anaphora, “You fake, you phony little fake!’, ultimately encapsulating the disconnected familial ties Willy shares with his son. The use of allusions and similes, “both built like Adonises” and “like a young God Hercules” further ensues the incoherent relationship between Willy and his sons, where his mythologised illusions of grandeur imply that Willy does not truly know his own sons perfect spot here to link to the addressee. "Further ensues...thus making a perfect candidate for your selection...". Hence, Willy’s detachment from his family leads to a sense of physical displacement from his environment. This is evident through the symbolic props of the ‘three chairs’ despite there being four residents within the household, serving as a pivotal device in capturing Willy’s isolation from his environment due to his alienation from his family. Moreover, negative connotations are used to describe Willy’s surrounding environment, as ‘towering’, ‘angular shapes’ serves as a stirring counterweight to his physical dislocation derived from his distant connection to his family. This notion is furthered in the contrasting statement ‘solid vault of apartment houses around the small, fragile-seeming home’. Hence, there is an inextricable link between a disconnection to familial ties and a sense of displacement from one’s physical environment.
Also a perfect candidate for your collection...Similarly, the poem “Mirror” by Sylvia Plath, extensively examines the compelling message that despair and discontent can arise from the inability to conform, hence to fulfil the intrinsic urge to conform individuals may turn to subconscious fabrications. Plath’s poignant poem, entails the reality of ageing and how a woman is frustrated to see her gradually fading beauty and youth through a mirror protagonist. Zoomorphism is harshly used as the mirror identifies her as “a terrible fish,” not even rendering her humanity. The slippery and unnerving "fish" in the poem alludes to the persona’s unavoidable, darker self that cannot help but challenge the socially acceptable self, ultimately encapsulating the persona’s unpleasant image that restricts her from belonging. Further, the metaphoric reference of the candles and the moon as “liars”, insinuates that they provide a faux reflection of the persona. Although, the persona seeks these “liars” based on the human instinct to conform, the moon and candles are not an escape, but a barrier the persona constructed around herself - deceptively hiding wrinkles, and other companions of the ageing process. The symbolic shift of the protagonist from a mirror to a lake in the second stanza suggests that a lake cannot reflect as exact as a mirror. However, it successfully symbolises the flow of time and age and hence the beauty being drowned in the lake, alongside the drowning of the persona’s sense of belonging she previously felt. Evidently, the analysis of Plath’s potent poem, “Mirror’s”, provides viewers of the SBS program ...... yet to link. Yes...make sure in this link you show a new view to what the first text did. Really sell it. So, Sylvia Plath's text shows blah blah blah, which provides a unique alternative view to the treatment of belonging in..."
Alternatively, Mendes’ film ‘American Beauty’ explicitly analyses that the human instinct to conform by social ideologies creates high levels of dissatisfaction and isolation within those who have been lead to believe its promises of false prosperity. Lester Burham has everything in life that should make him happy; a plethora of goods and a seemingly happy family. Although, he feels that he has been “in a coma, for the past twenty years”. This hyperbolic metaphor insinuates his isolated entrapment in the malevolent working cycle imposed within the American Dream, alongside the metaphorical imprisonment of his happiness. Serving as foil to this is Colonel Fitts, who is so desperate to conform, that he hides his sexuality. This is emphasised in the scene where he accuses his son Ricky about being homosexual. His aggressive tone and use of vulgar language towards homosexuality acts as a facade to the truth and becomes emblematic of the Fitt’s sense of isolation and despair. Additionally, the montage of the Burham family moments after Lester is shot elucidates the once united, happy family, now dissatisfied and segregated by the social ideology of the American Dream. Forgot my link here, because I think I need another example. You could definitely stop it here - it means the analysis of this text is shorter but if you're looking to cut down on words...
I think you've done a brilliant job here. The expression really doesn't need any word, your writing style is sophisticated and neat. This makes it hard to find things to take out! As you've identified, what lacks is the response to the letter-receiver. That's the next important transition. I think when you finish with each text, you should also be saying what this text shows that adds to the other texts - really sell your selection of texts, and by doing this, you're forced to be critical of the treatment of belonging.
In terms of needing to cut things out of your response - be very critical and ask after every two sentences: Have I sold this in a way that appeals to the letter-receiver? This will tell you if you've treated belonging strongly enough or not. I've suggested where you need to add an address to the receiver, and in each of these opportunities you should link specifically to the experience of belonging. Pretend that you are in some ways be a salesperson - really selling it!
Good luck...this is a solid response, it's just about tweaking it to the text type now :)
Post by: Claudiaa on March 25, 2017, 06:21:41 pm
I think you've done a brilliant job here. The expression really doesn't need any word, your writing style is sophisticated and neat. This makes it hard to find things to take out! As you've identified, what lacks is the response to the letter-receiver. That's the next important transition. I think when you finish with each text, you should also be saying what this text shows that adds to the other texts - really sell your selection of texts, and by doing this, you're forced to be critical of the treatment of belonging.
In terms of needing to cut things out of your response - be very critical and ask after every two sentences: Have I sold this in a way that appeals to the letter-receiver? This will tell you if you've treated belonging strongly enough or not. I've suggested where you need to add an address to the receiver, and in each of these opportunities you should link specifically to the experience of belonging. Pretend that you are in some ways be a salesperson - really selling it!
Good luck...this is a solid response, it's just about tweaking it to the text type now :)
Thank you so much! Feedback that was definitely 100% helpful, I completely understand your points made and I will get tweaking asap! :) Im so grateful for ATARNOTES and the team <3
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 26, 2017, 02:18:26 pm
Hi :)
I was just wondering if could see if the argument made sense, and if it linked together so I could easily adapt to potential HSC questions.
Thanks!
Welcome to the forums Jessie! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay - Our essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts for each essay you'd like feedback for. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up ;D
If you hang around the site a bit, I bet you'll reach that threshold in no time :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 29, 2017, 01:17:56 am
Thank you so much! Feedback that was definitely 100% helpful, I completely understand your points made and I will get tweaking asap! :) Im so grateful for ATARNOTES and the team <3
Thanks for your kind words Claudia! We look forward to helping you as the year goes on! :)
Post by: cr1700 on April 03, 2017, 11:21:53 am
Thank you!
Good morning year 12,
To discover means to have something become known to you, and consequently to gain insight and knowledge into this object, place, person or concept. Today, I will be talking about how through discoveries, we are brought to new worlds, and new values and ideas are evoked. In Shakespeare’s play, The Tempest, and in Larry Watson’s novella Montana 1948, the characters experiences lead to discoveries, which enable them to perceive life in a different light. In The Tempest, the physical discovery of the island by Alonso and Antonio, enables Prospero to grasp new values and ideas, when he consciously chooses to forgive his enemies rather than seek vengeance. In contrast, in Montana 1948, David’s father, the sheriff of the town, decides that it is necessary to withhold justice and chooses to punish his brother for his actions, therefore going against his family. In these texts, although contrary actions were made by diverse characters, they both show that discoveries can indeed lead to new worlds and values, and therefore stimulate new ideas about the world around us.
In Shakespeare’s play, The Tempest, it is revealed to the audience that through an initial discovery, new realisations about ourselves and our values can be made. Prospero, the plays protagonist, describes to his daughter Miranda that it was “twelve year since, thy father (Prospero) was the Duke of Milan and a prince of power”. He explains that through his pursue to study magic, his brother Antonio took his place as Prince of Italy’s most important state, while he discovered the island which they proceeded to inhabit. The rediscovery of the island by Alonso, Antonio and Sebastian is expressed through the metaphor of birth; “blow till thou burst thy wind”. The introduction of the nobles from Italy, including the butler and jester Stephano and Trinculo, results in a plot to murder Prospero in order to gain power of the island. Although Prospero is seen to be a disgruntled character full of resent towards his brother, he makes the decision to forgive his enemies. Despite the grievance they caused him, shown when he says “For you, most wicked sir, whom to call brother would even infect my mouth”, he chooses mercy and pronounces “I do forgive”.
Another discovery prompted by the emergence of the noblemen on the island was that of Miranda’s. Through her meeting with Ferdinand, the idea of love and men other than her elders was stimulated. She describes him as “a thing divine” after living almost her entire life on the island with only her father and original inhabitants, and therefore knowing no other beings. Because of this, she is naïve and innocent, believing in the goods of people and hope for mankind. The discovery of love not only leads Miranda to a new world within her own, which she describes as “O brave new world that has such people in’t!”, but also to speculate ideas about the future. She becomes excited about the possibility of leaving the island as she marries Ferdinand and embraces humanity, all as a result of the discovery of the island by the nobles of Italy, and her father’s enemies.
In contrast to Prospero’s forgiveness in The Tempest, in my related text, Montana 1948, David’s father, the town sheriff, decides that justice is more important than loyalty to his family. When it is discovered that David’s Uncle Frank, a doctor, is abusing and harassing his American Indian female patients, David’s father feels conflicted as to how he should punish his own brother who “used his profession to take advantage of women”. Through this discovery, David himself realises truths about the world, and like Miranda, escapes from his previous innocence; seen when he was “beginning to see Uncle Frank as a criminal” and decided he “could never believe in the rule of law again”. The discovery also forces David’s father, Wesley, to reconsider his prejudices towards Native Americans and towards his brother. He initially tries to ignore the possibility of his brother’s crimes, saying “we don’t have proof of anything”. However, he eventually decides that his brother is guilty and realises that he must begin to acquire the value of justice rather than his emotional reaction of loyalty to family and rejection of the truth. This change of character from both David and his father causes their family to think differently about the future, but most importantly to enter a new world together. They move to North Dakota in an attempt to ignore the events of the summer of 1948 in Montana, which would forever haunt their lives.
Therefore, it is indeed true that discoveries cause us to enter new worlds, hold new values, stimulate ideas and speculate about the future. This is shown through the characters of Prospero and Miranda in Shakespeare’s The Tempest, as they gain new values after the result of several discoveries. Prospero chooses mercy and forgiveness over hate to his enemies, and Miranda enters a new world that is not restricted to the island she grew up on. It is also evident in the novella Montana 1948, as both David and his father’s lives change due to the discovery Uncle Frank’s crimes against American Indian women. David loses his childhood innocence, while his father, Wesley, acquires a new meaning to being just in the law.
Thank you
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 03, 2017, 01:16:39 pm
Hi :) This is actually a speech, which I was hoping I could get some feedback on.
Thank you!
Welcome to the forums cr1700! ;D
Thanks for posting your speech - Our essay/creative marking rules require you to have 15 posts for each creative you'd like feedback for. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up ;D
If you hang around the site a bit, I bet you'll reach that threshold in no time :)
Post by: hdmi116 on May 11, 2017, 07:28:20 pm
“The journey leads to a greater understanding of others, self and one’s place in the world”. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Discuss with close analysis to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Physical journeys are comprised of change and can lead to realisation of some fundamental truth. They occur as a result of the obstacle of societal constraints. Shakespeare's pastoral play As You Like It explores the notion of a physical journey through the societal constraints and physical obstacles faced by the characters, which forces them to embark on a transformative physical journey into the forest. These ideas are also reiterated in Noyce’s film Rabbit-Proof Fence through the unjust laws applied to the three girls which force them to abandon mainstream society
Obstacles to the completion of a physical journey result in change which betters the personas understanding of themselves and others. This change occurs as a resukt of societal constraint. This notion is shown in As You Like It in which Orlando moves to the forest and learns that the court is heinous and the forest is pure which results in him gaining self-enlightenment. This is seen through Orlando’s exaggerated negativity of himself, “but poor old man, thou prun’st a rotten tree that cannot so much a blossom yield”. This hyperbole as well as the metaphor demonstrate Orlando’s apprehension of the idea that he is not complete as a human due to his brother’s shortcoming towards him which made Orlando an uneducated individual. This societal constraint of being illiterate is the obstacle to his physical and inner journey of self growth. Orlando also learns from his accomplice Adam that the court is a place of evil due to those who reside within it, “This is no place, this house is but a butchery. Abhor it, fear it, do not enter it”. This repetition of the negative imperative verbs as well as the cynical tone towards the court is harmful. This new knowledge acquired by Orlando is the cause of his physical journey away from the court. Orlando also learns that he is neither a treacherous member of the court nor a loyal member of the forest inhabitants. This is seen through his disconnection from all society, “I do desire we may be better [as] strangers”. This cynical tone, demeaning the responder, shows that Orlando is antisocial and therefore has been disconnected from mainstream society. This is a result of his physical journey into the forest. Thus, we can see that Orlando has learned that he is in the societal hierarchy like a peasant. Therefore, physical journeys result in a deeper understanding of the persona, their place in society and others.
Physical journeys allow the persona to obtain a fuller understanding of themselves, the world and their place in it through the acquisition of new knowledge and experiences. As the persona evolves physically, they gain new knowledge and experiences which allow them to perceive themselves and others in a different light. This notion is seen in Rabbit proof fence in which the native childrens’ abduction leads to them learning about the injustice in the world. This is seen in the abduction scene in which the diegetic sound of the girls screaming for help and the non-diegetic sound of the tense music in the background create an atmosphere of fear. This fear of the government and therefore all forms of leadership shows that the Australian government’s administration at the time was really unjust. This new knowledge gained by the girls is a result of their physical journey of abduction. This notion is also conveyed in the escape montage scene in which they escape the cleansing camp. This montage creates a sense of bonding between the girls. This self-understanding between them is the result of their physical journey from the heinous camp. Furthermore, the long shot used in the escape from the camp scene gives the effect that the girls are minute and therefore insignificant. This shows that they know their place in the Australian hierarchy - that they are insignificant. This is the result of their physical journey into the adversities of the camp. Therefore, physical journeys lead to a richer understanding of the persona, the world in which they live in and their place in it.
The physical journey of an individual or a group of people leads to a more developed view of the world, themselves and their place within it. When a peoples gather new knowledge and experiences, they learn to sympathise with others and this enables them to learn more about the social hierarchy and their position in it. This physical journey is undertaken by Rosalind and her cousin Celia as they journey into the forest where they encounter the obstacle of social expectations. This is seen through Rosalind’s transformation into a man at the beginning of the journey, “ I am more than common tall, that I did suit me all points like a man? A gallant curtal-ax upon my thigh, a boar-spear in my hand, and in my heart”. The cumulative listing of all the stereotypical attributes of a man as well as the contrast of these attributes to Rosalind’s gives the effect that Rosalind is learning about society expectations and is, through comparison to herself, finding her underlying rock bottom position in the hierarchy.This is the result of her physical journey away from the court and into the forest. This transformation is also seen in Rosalind’s description of herself, “I'll have no worse a name than Jove's own page”. The religious allusion to the roman king of gods Jove, or Jupiter, as well as the comparison she makes between herself and him creates a link between her and the all-knowing status of gods. This entails an inner journey of acquisition of new knowledge and experiences as a result of the physical journey away from the court society. Rosalind also displays struggle in the completion of this journey as she faces the obstacle of the gender barrier, “I could find in my heart to disgrace my man's apparel and to cry like a woman, but I must comfort the weaker vessel”. The simile used to compare the emotional overreaction of women to the coldness of men's hearts creates a clear distinction between the role of men and women in society with women being portrayed as more vulnerable. Rosalind finds herself battling against her “feminine nature” in the plight to become more of man. This is the result of her physical journey into the forest. Therefore, the apprehension of new knowledge and experiences through a physical journey allows the persona to gain new insights into themselves, their world, and their position within it.
An individual’s physical journey results in a more developed understanding of themselves, the world and their position in it. This transformation into a guided state occurs as a result of the apprehension of new knowledge and experiences in light of movement to new and foreign environments and societal hierarchies. This change incites inspiration and stuff
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 11, 2017, 08:12:56 pm
Can you pls mark my essay due tomorow> Heres the question:
“The journey leads to a greater understanding of others, self and one’s place in the world”. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Discuss with close analysis to your prescribed text and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Welcome to the forums hdmi116! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay - Our essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts for each essay you'd like feedback for. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up ;D so unfortunately we won't be able to give this a proper mark before tomorrow (even if you did have 15 posts, we normally can't get it done that quick :-[)
On a quick skim though:
- Watch for retell, there are parts where you are just telling us what happened in the text
- Be sure to explore what the audience learns about Discovery
- Try to put techniques in the same sentence as your quote for more clarity
Best of luck ;D
Post by: hdmi116 on May 11, 2017, 08:44:11 pm
Ive been told you need at least 4 body paragraphs. Is this true or can I manage a 12/15 with only 3
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 11, 2017, 09:04:55 pm
@jamonwindeyer
Ive been told you need at least 4 body paragraphs. Is this true or can I manage a 12/15 with only 3
You can get 15/15 with 3 body paragraphs!! I've never written more than three myself - Quality over quantity ;D
Post by: kb123 on July 02, 2017, 11:02:07 am
Spoiler
An individual, through the process of discovery, has the potential to undergo profound development as their previous values and beliefs are challenged, and when they adapt to new experiences, expose previously concealed truths. These revelations may be indicated in numerous ways, spontaneously or due to the nature of an individual’s environment, posing challenges from the outset which dictate the discovery process and subsequently, confronting situations may arise. Although these situations can challenge an individual, they inevitably lead to new understandings of both themselves and the world. Such ideas are demonstrated in Ernesto Guevara’s memoir “The Motorcycle Diaries” (2003) and Franz Kafka’s novella “Metamorphosis” (1912).
Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Guevara’s realisation of widespread suffering, entrenched poverty and its destructive impact is elucidated in his exploration of the “graveyards of the mines”, metaphorically and physically symbolising the hardships faced by the proletariat, enabling the expansion of his world views. Similarly, when Guevara is confronted with the symptomatic deformation of disease in Columbia’s native population, “like a scene from a modern drama”, the observational simile further develops the brutality of South American living conditions. The epiphanic tone in “it is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness, that he longs for change”, spotlights the development of Guevara’s moral principle and alighted sense of duty to make meaningful change. The construction of Guevara’s new value system based on fresh knowledge and understanding spurred the rectification of his past beliefs, conveyed when he ironically states “they were in love with Uncle Sam”, demonstrating Guevara’s loss of ignorance to the exploitive and damaging influence of the US on Latin America. The animal imagery in “the bestial howl of the triumphant proletariat” further symbolises Guevara’s conclusive embracement of socialist ideology and contingent solidification of his developed beliefs and values. Harrowing experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world.
Contrary to Guevara’s epiphanic transformation in his viewpoints, Gregor’s emotional discoveries lead to the development of pessimistic perceptions of himself. The symbolism of “Gregor pull(ing) the sheet down lower” represents the protagonist’s decreasing level of self-respect revealed to be a consequence of his metamorphosis, whereby Gregor’s resentment of his family, a synecdoche for society as whole, catalyses his isolation from mankind. The stark contrast in tone in the family’s beliefs, at first concerned and then hateful “they were ready to help him”/“Gregor has to go,” instigates Gregor’s “conviction… that he would have to disappear”, the high modality language spotlighting Gregor’s realisation of the emptiness of humanity due to their opposition to individuals unfit to play a role in society because of their circumstance. Unlike Guevara, who embraced environmental challenges, Gregor denigrates his self-worth due to his inability to communicate with humanity, exposing the detrimental impact of his realisation of mankind’s unforgiving nature. The reflective mood in “He remained in this state of empty and peaceful reflection...” at the novella’s denouncement illustrates Gregor’s obtainment of a new understanding to what satisfies him through the destruction of self for the desires of society, directing the protagonist in changing his view of life to achieve self-peace. Gregor and Guevara’s contrasting transformations in perceptions elucidate the way confronting realisations may instigate a process of differing self-assessments, catalysing the development of new values.
Consequently, retrospection upon the accumulation of past didactic experiences invigorates personal epiphanies and thus encourages the process of transformation. The radicalisation of Guevara’s personal philosophy catalysed by the conglomeration of realisations is highlighted by the reflective tone of his thoughts concerning the dying woman in La Gioconda: “it is there, that one comprehends the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat”. Such reoccurring bildungsroman qualities of the memoir elucidate the maturation of Guevara’s thinking, the metaphor “I was a child of my environment” acknowledging his moral growth catalysed by his experiences. Thus, Guevara’s exposure to penury and exploitation of the marginalised social castes transforms him from a “dreamer” to a “revolutionary” political leader. The juxtaposition of the gustatory imagery “savour” with the olfactory “acrid” in “savours the acrid smell of gunpowder and blood” creates a discomforting synaesthesia to accentuate his new devotion to the “people”, a metonym for the marginalised class in need of social justice. Guevara’s greatest epiphany is revealed in the vignette “tarata, the new world”, where after being confronted by the poverty of the Peruvians, he is emancipated from ignorance and political apathy, faced instead with metaphysical exhaustion symbolised by him being “frozen solid”, to be finally “welcomed with such friendliness” by strangers that changed him irreversibly. External discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges, experiences, and values.
Furthermore, dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realisations enables both the progression and destruction of an individual. The rhetorical question “Did he really want the warm room… transformed into a lair?” signifies the inner conflict between Gregor’s human and insect instincts, elucidating how Gregor’s agonising experience of seclusion transforms his understanding of his own identity, no longer being able to classify himself as a constituent of humanity. The double entendre of “clean” in “everything was much too deep for him to have scrubbed himself clean”, depicts Gregor’s deterioration of his self-value and priorities of life as a result of his alienation from society, the dismal mood created further emphasising the demoralising impact of his personal discovery regarding the triviality of his existence. In contrast to Guevara’s conclusive transformation into a revolutionary, “Gregor shut himself off altogether”, symbolising how the seclusion Gregor experiences leads to his eventual downfall, revealing the duality of discovery as both a catalyst in the instigation of further realisations or a liquidator of individuals’ ambition to discover. Intensified by its relevance to one’s own context, discovery is inordinately powerful by leading to both new understandings and destroying untainted comprehensions of the self and the world.
Ultimately, the loss of ignorance by the attainment of new values and confronting knowledge influences one’s interpretation of the world, new judgements being developed through the unearthing of unfamiliar ideas and perspectives. However, whether a resultant transformation is advantageous or injurious, an individual will nevertheless be affected profoundly and irreversibly by their journey of discovery of the world.
Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Guevara’s realisation of widespread suffering, entrenched poverty and its destructive impact is elucidated in his exploration of the “graveyards of the mines”, metaphorically and physically symbolising the hardships faced by the proletariat, enabling the expansion of his world views. Similarly, when Guevara is confronted with the symptomatic deformation of disease in Columbia’s native population, “like a scene from a modern drama”, the observational simile further develops the brutality of South American living conditions. The epiphanic tone in “it is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness, that he longs for change”, spotlights the development of Guevara’s moral principle and alighted sense of duty to make meaningful change. The construction of Guevara’s new value system based on fresh knowledge and understanding spurred the rectification of his past beliefs, conveyed when he ironically states “they were in love with Uncle Sam”, demonstrating Guevara’s loss of ignorance to the exploitive and damaging influence of the US on Latin America. The animal imagery in “the bestial howl of the triumphant proletariat” further symbolises Guevara’s conclusive embracement of socialist ideology and contingent solidification of his developed beliefs and values. Harrowing experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world.
Contrary to Guevara’s epiphanic transformation in his viewpoints, Gregor’s emotional discoveries lead to the development of pessimistic perceptions of himself. The symbolism of “Gregor pull(ing) the sheet down lower” represents the protagonist’s decreasing level of self-respect revealed to be a consequence of his metamorphosis, whereby Gregor’s resentment of his family, a synecdoche for society as whole, catalyses his isolation from mankind. The stark contrast in tone in the family’s beliefs, at first concerned and then hateful “they were ready to help him”/“Gregor has to go,” instigates Gregor’s “conviction… that he would have to disappear”, the high modality language spotlighting Gregor’s realisation of the emptiness of humanity due to their opposition to individuals unfit to play a role in society because of their circumstance. Unlike Guevara, who embraced environmental challenges, Gregor denigrates his self-worth due to his inability to communicate with humanity, exposing the detrimental impact of his realisation of mankind’s unforgiving nature. The reflective mood in “He remained in this state of empty and peaceful reflection...” at the novella’s denouncement illustrates Gregor’s obtainment of a new understanding to what satisfies him through the destruction of self for the desires of society, directing the protagonist in changing his view of life to achieve self-peace. Gregor and Guevara’s contrasting transformations in perceptions elucidate the way confronting realisations may instigate a process of differing self-assessments, catalysing the development of new values.
Consequently, retrospection upon the accumulation of past didactic experiences invigorates personal epiphanies and thus encourages the process of transformation. The radicalisation of Guevara’s personal philosophy catalysed by the conglomeration of realisations is highlighted by the reflective tone of his thoughts concerning the dying woman in La Gioconda: “it is there, that one comprehends the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat”. Such reoccurring bildungsroman qualities of the memoir elucidate the maturation of Guevara’s thinking, the metaphor “I was a child of my environment” acknowledging his moral growth catalysed by his experiences. Thus, Guevara’s exposure to penury and exploitation of the marginalised social castes transforms him from a “dreamer” to a “revolutionary” political leader. The juxtaposition of the gustatory imagery “savour” with the olfactory “acrid” in “savours the acrid smell of gunpowder and blood” creates a discomforting synaesthesia to accentuate his new devotion to the “people”, a metonym for the marginalised class in need of social justice. Guevara’s greatest epiphany is revealed in the vignette “tarata, the new world”, where after being confronted by the poverty of the Peruvians, he is emancipated from ignorance and political apathy, faced instead with metaphysical exhaustion symbolised by him being “frozen solid”, to be finally “welcomed with such friendliness” by strangers that changed him irreversibly. External discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges, experiences, and values.
Furthermore, dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realisations enables both the progression and destruction of an individual. The rhetorical question “Did he really want the warm room… transformed into a lair?” signifies the inner conflict between Gregor’s human and insect instincts, elucidating how Gregor’s agonising experience of seclusion transforms his understanding of his own identity, no longer being able to classify himself as a constituent of humanity. The double entendre of “clean” in “everything was much too deep for him to have scrubbed himself clean”, depicts Gregor’s deterioration of his self-value and priorities of life as a result of his alienation from society, the dismal mood created further emphasising the demoralising impact of his personal discovery regarding the triviality of his existence. In contrast to Guevara’s conclusive transformation into a revolutionary, “Gregor shut himself off altogether”, symbolising how the seclusion Gregor experiences leads to his eventual downfall, revealing the duality of discovery as both a catalyst in the instigation of further realisations or a liquidator of individuals’ ambition to discover. Intensified by its relevance to one’s own context, discovery is inordinately powerful by leading to both new understandings and destroying untainted comprehensions of the self and the world.
Ultimately, the loss of ignorance by the attainment of new values and confronting knowledge influences one’s interpretation of the world, new judgements being developed through the unearthing of unfamiliar ideas and perspectives. However, whether a resultant transformation is advantageous or injurious, an individual will nevertheless be affected profoundly and irreversibly by their journey of discovery of the world.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 02, 2017, 11:12:50 am
Could you please give me any feedback on my discovery essay and whether you think it would get 15/15 if I incorporate the question well?
Hey kb123! According to my spreadsheet, you only have enough posts to get either this or your Creative marked right now - Any preference as to which we tackle? You'll need 75 posts to get feedback on both ;D
Post by: DalvinT on July 03, 2017, 02:16:13 pm
Please be really harsh with the feedback! I really want to improve as much as I can, since I know I'm pretty weak in the AOS module :(((
Thanks in advance! :D
Post by: winstondarmawan on July 05, 2017, 01:29:48 pm
Poem:
https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t34.0-12/19832406_1261315197327334_888664001_n.jpg?oh=ca86bedbdff1360c7fe3971b9fcf0948&oe=595D15DD
https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t34.0-12/19755940_1261315230660664_142058260_n.jpg?oh=c13716884208a8847794cd73441b8de9&oe=595DFD24
Question (Text 3 Poem):
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My response: Through clever poetic techniques and a unique retrospective style of poetry, the persona effectively portrays the processes they had undergone which had led them to several intellectual self-discoveries. The rhetorical title “Who am I” is answered throughout the poem, and through the anaphora of “I am”, the persona refers to an extensive range of processes and discoveries which had resulted in a stronger understanding of them self. An intellectual discovery by knowledge of science is evident through the referencing of the composition of planets, in “ring around Saturn, spinning words as particles of ice and dust”. Thus, the juxtaposition is evident when the persona describes a religious allusion to the “Divine Presence”, a term used to refer to God. Thus, by comparison between science and religion, the persona encapsulates the range of experience and thoughts which had impacted on an understanding of themselves. Ultimately, the persona realises that there exists “different parts of me”, and through undergoing intellectual self-discovery, comes to terms of acceptance and answers the rhetorical question, “I AM, THAT, I AM”.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 05, 2017, 10:30:36 pm
Could you please give me any feedback on my discovery essay and whether you think it would get 15/15 if I incorporate the question well?
Hey kb! I definitely can, essay is attached with feedback in bold:
Spoiler
An individual, through the process of discovery, has the potential to undergo profound development as their previous values and beliefs are challenged, and when they adapt to new experiences, expose previously concealed truths. Excellent introductory sentence. You'd want to make sure these broad ideas are honed into the specific question at hand. These revelations may be indicated in numerous ways, spontaneously or due to the nature of an individual’s environment, posing challenges from the outset which dictate the discovery process and subsequently, confronting situations may arise. Although these situations can challenge an individual, they inevitably lead to new understandings of both themselves and the world. Such ideas are demonstrated in Ernesto Guevara’s memoir “The Motorcycle Diaries” (2003) and Franz Kafka’s novella “Metamorphosis” (1912). Good introduction, provided you are ready to hone it in to whatever question you ask. I'd also like to see you go into the specific messages the composers of these texts are conveying to their audiences - You've gone over the ideas conceptually/broadly, a little breakdown of the purpose of each composer could be beneficial. Overall, excellent work :)
Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Tops. Guevara’s realisation of widespread suffering, entrenched poverty and its destructive impact is elucidated in his exploration of the “graveyards of the mines”, metaphorically and physically symbolising the hardships faced by the proletariat, enabling the expansion of his world views. Nice amplification, links the idea nicely to the text in a very thematic/composer driven way, rather than plot. Nice. Similarly, when Guevara is confronted with the symptomatic deformation of disease in Columbia’s native population, “like a scene from a modern drama”, the observational simile further develops the brutality of South American living conditions. Great work integrating the quote into your idea, hard to do! The epiphanic tone in “it is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness, that he longs for change”, spotlights the development of Guevara’s moral principle and alighted sense of duty to make meaningful change. The construction of Guevara’s new value system based on fresh knowledge and understanding spurred the rectification of his past beliefs, conveyed when he ironically states “they were in love with Uncle Sam”, demonstrating Guevara’s loss of ignorance to the exploitive and damaging influence of the US on Latin America. Be sure to be making links back to what the audience learns about Discovery more broadly - You are analysing the intents of the composer brilliantly, be sure to link to the greater understanding the audience gains on Discovery, in a broader sense (beyond the context of the text). The animal imagery in “the bestial howl of the triumphant proletariat” further symbolises Guevara’s conclusive embracement of socialist ideology and contingent solidification of his developed beliefs and values. Harrowing experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world. This conclusion seems a little disjointed from the rest of the paragraph, try adjusting a tad: "Thus, it is clear how Guevrara conveys... (insert the idea you mention here).
Contrary to Guevara’s epiphanic transformation in his viewpoints, Gregor’s emotional discoveries lead to the development of pessimistic perceptions of himself. Be careful, you have swapped to talking about a character rather than a composer. You are shifting slightly into retell - Try to focus on the composer primarily. The symbolism of “Gregor pull(ing) the sheet down lower” represents the protagonist’s decreasing level of self-respect revealed to be a consequence of his metamorphosis, whereby Gregor’s resentment of his family, a synecdoche for society as whole, catalyses his isolation from mankind. Good analysis again, but again, what does the audience realise about Discovery more broadly? There needs to be impact beyond the specifics of the texts context and characters. The stark contrast in tone in the family’s beliefs, at first concerned and then hateful “they were ready to help him”/“Gregor has to go,” instigates Gregor’s “conviction… that he would have to disappear”, the high modality language spotlighting Gregor’s realisation of the emptiness of humanity due to their opposition to individuals unfit to play a role in society because of their circumstance. That sentence a tad too long I think, be careful you don't try and do too much at once! Unlike Guevara, who embraced environmental challenges, Gregor denigrates his self-worth due to his inability to communicate with humanity, exposing the detrimental impact of his realisation of mankind’s unforgiving nature. Sort of retell, you are discussing a characters feelings and actions - The character is a construct of Kafka's, don't treat that character as a conscious entity. The reflective mood in “He remained in this state of empty and peaceful reflection...” at the novella’s denouncement illustrates Gregor’s obtainment of a new understanding to what satisfies him through the destruction of self for the desires of society, directing the protagonist in changing his view of life to achieve self-peace. Gregor and Guevara’s contrasting transformations in perceptions elucidate the way confronting realisations may instigate a process of differing self-assessments, catalysing the development of new values. Good analysis and comparisons between texts, but a tad too character focused. You should NEVER go a paragraph without mentioning the composer's name!
Consequently, retrospection upon the accumulation of past didactic experiences invigorates personal epiphanies and thus encourages the process of transformation. Another excellent conceptual start. Be sure you have room to adjust these to a question! The radicalisation of Guevara’s personal philosophy catalysed by the conglomeration of realisations is highlighted by the reflective tone of his thoughts concerning the dying woman in La Gioconda: “it is there, that one comprehends the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat”. Be careful using plot elements as evidence, I know it isn't really here, but you could have used the technique and quote here without the plot detail if you catch me. Such reoccurring bildungsroman qualities of the memoir elucidate the maturation of Guevara’s thinking, the metaphor “I was a child of my environment” acknowledging his moral growth catalysed by his experiences. What does this show the audience more broadly? Thus, Guevara’s exposure to penury and exploitation of the marginalised social castes transforms him from a “dreamer” to a “revolutionary” political leader. Careful, this is retell! You've not linked to anything conceptual, you've just said what happens to the character. The juxtaposition of the gustatory imagery “savour” with the olfactory “acrid” in “savours the acrid smell of gunpowder and blood” creates a discomforting synaesthesia to accentuate his new devotion to the “people”, a metonym for the marginalised class in need of social justice. Guevara’s greatest epiphany is revealed in the vignette “tarata, the new world”, where after being confronted by the poverty of the Peruvians, he is emancipated from ignorance and political apathy, faced instead with metaphysical exhaustion symbolised by him being “frozen solid”, to be finally “welcomed with such friendliness” by strangers that changed him irreversibly. Bit of retell at the end here too. External discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges, experiences, and values. Again, a little too text focused in this paragraph, and retell is starting to become more prominent in this paragraph as well - Be careful!
Furthermore, dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realisations enables both the progression and destruction of an individual. Be careful to link to your related text, don't just jump into the analysis assuming we'll follow. The rhetorical question “Did he really want the warm room… transformed into a lair?” signifies the inner conflict between Gregor’s human and insect instincts, elucidating how Gregor’s agonising experience of seclusion transforms his understanding of his own identity, no longer being able to classify himself as a constituent of humanity. See how you are analysing the character, a construct of the composer, rather than expanding into a broader consequence/understanding for the audience? The double entendre of “clean” in “everything was much too deep for him to have scrubbed himself clean”, depicts Gregor’s deterioration of his self-value and priorities of life as a result of his alienation from society, the dismal mood created further emphasising the demoralising impact of his personal discovery regarding the triviality of his existence. You don't need to identify the specific word related to a technique in a larger quote, you can just say "the double entendre in...". In contrast to Guevara’s conclusive transformation into a revolutionary, “Gregor shut himself off altogether”, symbolising how the seclusion Gregor experiences leads to his eventual downfall, revealing the duality of discovery as both a catalyst in the instigation of further realisations or a liquidator of individuals’ ambition to discover. THIS is what I need you to be doing with your analysis, linking to Discovery more broadly, this sentence particularly is just missing a proper technique. Intensified by its relevance to one’s own context, discovery is inordinately powerful by leading to both new understandings and destroying untainted comprehensions of the self and the world.
Ultimately, the loss of ignorance by the attainment of new values and confronting knowledge influences one’s interpretation of the world, new judgements being developed through the unearthing of unfamiliar ideas and perspectives. However, whether a resultant transformation is advantageous or injurious, an individual will nevertheless be affected profoundly and irreversibly by their journey of discovery of the world. Nice bare bones conclusion, manipulate to the question to be most effective of course :)
Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Tops. Guevara’s realisation of widespread suffering, entrenched poverty and its destructive impact is elucidated in his exploration of the “graveyards of the mines”, metaphorically and physically symbolising the hardships faced by the proletariat, enabling the expansion of his world views. Nice amplification, links the idea nicely to the text in a very thematic/composer driven way, rather than plot. Nice. Similarly, when Guevara is confronted with the symptomatic deformation of disease in Columbia’s native population, “like a scene from a modern drama”, the observational simile further develops the brutality of South American living conditions. Great work integrating the quote into your idea, hard to do! The epiphanic tone in “it is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness, that he longs for change”, spotlights the development of Guevara’s moral principle and alighted sense of duty to make meaningful change. The construction of Guevara’s new value system based on fresh knowledge and understanding spurred the rectification of his past beliefs, conveyed when he ironically states “they were in love with Uncle Sam”, demonstrating Guevara’s loss of ignorance to the exploitive and damaging influence of the US on Latin America. Be sure to be making links back to what the audience learns about Discovery more broadly - You are analysing the intents of the composer brilliantly, be sure to link to the greater understanding the audience gains on Discovery, in a broader sense (beyond the context of the text). The animal imagery in “the bestial howl of the triumphant proletariat” further symbolises Guevara’s conclusive embracement of socialist ideology and contingent solidification of his developed beliefs and values. Harrowing experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world. This conclusion seems a little disjointed from the rest of the paragraph, try adjusting a tad: "Thus, it is clear how Guevrara conveys... (insert the idea you mention here).
Contrary to Guevara’s epiphanic transformation in his viewpoints, Gregor’s emotional discoveries lead to the development of pessimistic perceptions of himself. Be careful, you have swapped to talking about a character rather than a composer. You are shifting slightly into retell - Try to focus on the composer primarily. The symbolism of “Gregor pull(ing) the sheet down lower” represents the protagonist’s decreasing level of self-respect revealed to be a consequence of his metamorphosis, whereby Gregor’s resentment of his family, a synecdoche for society as whole, catalyses his isolation from mankind. Good analysis again, but again, what does the audience realise about Discovery more broadly? There needs to be impact beyond the specifics of the texts context and characters. The stark contrast in tone in the family’s beliefs, at first concerned and then hateful “they were ready to help him”/“Gregor has to go,” instigates Gregor’s “conviction… that he would have to disappear”, the high modality language spotlighting Gregor’s realisation of the emptiness of humanity due to their opposition to individuals unfit to play a role in society because of their circumstance. That sentence a tad too long I think, be careful you don't try and do too much at once! Unlike Guevara, who embraced environmental challenges, Gregor denigrates his self-worth due to his inability to communicate with humanity, exposing the detrimental impact of his realisation of mankind’s unforgiving nature. Sort of retell, you are discussing a characters feelings and actions - The character is a construct of Kafka's, don't treat that character as a conscious entity. The reflective mood in “He remained in this state of empty and peaceful reflection...” at the novella’s denouncement illustrates Gregor’s obtainment of a new understanding to what satisfies him through the destruction of self for the desires of society, directing the protagonist in changing his view of life to achieve self-peace. Gregor and Guevara’s contrasting transformations in perceptions elucidate the way confronting realisations may instigate a process of differing self-assessments, catalysing the development of new values. Good analysis and comparisons between texts, but a tad too character focused. You should NEVER go a paragraph without mentioning the composer's name!
Consequently, retrospection upon the accumulation of past didactic experiences invigorates personal epiphanies and thus encourages the process of transformation. Another excellent conceptual start. Be sure you have room to adjust these to a question! The radicalisation of Guevara’s personal philosophy catalysed by the conglomeration of realisations is highlighted by the reflective tone of his thoughts concerning the dying woman in La Gioconda: “it is there, that one comprehends the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat”. Be careful using plot elements as evidence, I know it isn't really here, but you could have used the technique and quote here without the plot detail if you catch me. Such reoccurring bildungsroman qualities of the memoir elucidate the maturation of Guevara’s thinking, the metaphor “I was a child of my environment” acknowledging his moral growth catalysed by his experiences. What does this show the audience more broadly? Thus, Guevara’s exposure to penury and exploitation of the marginalised social castes transforms him from a “dreamer” to a “revolutionary” political leader. Careful, this is retell! You've not linked to anything conceptual, you've just said what happens to the character. The juxtaposition of the gustatory imagery “savour” with the olfactory “acrid” in “savours the acrid smell of gunpowder and blood” creates a discomforting synaesthesia to accentuate his new devotion to the “people”, a metonym for the marginalised class in need of social justice. Guevara’s greatest epiphany is revealed in the vignette “tarata, the new world”, where after being confronted by the poverty of the Peruvians, he is emancipated from ignorance and political apathy, faced instead with metaphysical exhaustion symbolised by him being “frozen solid”, to be finally “welcomed with such friendliness” by strangers that changed him irreversibly. Bit of retell at the end here too. External discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges, experiences, and values. Again, a little too text focused in this paragraph, and retell is starting to become more prominent in this paragraph as well - Be careful!
Furthermore, dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realisations enables both the progression and destruction of an individual. Be careful to link to your related text, don't just jump into the analysis assuming we'll follow. The rhetorical question “Did he really want the warm room… transformed into a lair?” signifies the inner conflict between Gregor’s human and insect instincts, elucidating how Gregor’s agonising experience of seclusion transforms his understanding of his own identity, no longer being able to classify himself as a constituent of humanity. See how you are analysing the character, a construct of the composer, rather than expanding into a broader consequence/understanding for the audience? The double entendre of “clean” in “everything was much too deep for him to have scrubbed himself clean”, depicts Gregor’s deterioration of his self-value and priorities of life as a result of his alienation from society, the dismal mood created further emphasising the demoralising impact of his personal discovery regarding the triviality of his existence. You don't need to identify the specific word related to a technique in a larger quote, you can just say "the double entendre in...". In contrast to Guevara’s conclusive transformation into a revolutionary, “Gregor shut himself off altogether”, symbolising how the seclusion Gregor experiences leads to his eventual downfall, revealing the duality of discovery as both a catalyst in the instigation of further realisations or a liquidator of individuals’ ambition to discover. THIS is what I need you to be doing with your analysis, linking to Discovery more broadly, this sentence particularly is just missing a proper technique. Intensified by its relevance to one’s own context, discovery is inordinately powerful by leading to both new understandings and destroying untainted comprehensions of the self and the world.
Ultimately, the loss of ignorance by the attainment of new values and confronting knowledge influences one’s interpretation of the world, new judgements being developed through the unearthing of unfamiliar ideas and perspectives. However, whether a resultant transformation is advantageous or injurious, an individual will nevertheless be affected profoundly and irreversibly by their journey of discovery of the world. Nice bare bones conclusion, manipulate to the question to be most effective of course :)
I think this is definitely a strong essay kb! Sophisticated ideas, effective structure, and it seems like you've got wiggle room for different questions - Great! My biggest feedback would be to watch for being too text focused - Always link to broader Discovery related concepts, not just focus on the text specifically! ;D my comments throughout go into more detail on that and highlight a few other little nitpicks!
Is this a 15/15 if it answers the question well? Maybe, but I personally don't think so, I'd say you are in the 13/15 area right now, perhaps 14? It depends hugely on the question - But I'd want you to start adjusting your analytical style to be more abstract, and less text/plot/character focused, to start getting to 15/15 (in my opinion, of course) ;D
Post by: bananna on July 06, 2017, 07:26:44 pm
Can I please have feedback on my AOS discovery essay?
I wasn't really sure where to post it, so I wouldn't mind this post moved :)
Thank you!! :D
Spoiler
Physical discoveries set the scene for further introspection. This is why it is critical for this component to be present. Do you agree? Make detailed reference to The Tempest and Heart of darkness in your response.
Discovery is a complex notion entailing numerous interconnected components that together offer a profound insight into the concept that physical discoveries are a catalyst for introspection. William Shakespeare’s 1611 play The Tempest is a prime example of this paradigm, explicating the motif of the tension between justice and injustice as well as exploring Prospero’s discoveries that lead to his introspection. Joseph Conrad’s 1899 novel Heart of Darkness explores the tension between an individual’s metaphorical light and darkness, with Kurtz revealing the intrinsic notion of physical discovery leading to introspection. Thus, the notion that physical discoveries serve as a catalyst for further introspection will be revealed.
The interplay of justice and injustice arises in The Tempest as a result of Prospero’s physical discovery of the island, resulting in his introspection. While Caliban receives justice for trying to euphemistically “violate the honour” of Miranda by being subjugated under Prospero, the wronged Duke of Milan has no trepidation keeping Ariel as his slave. When Ariel mentions in Act 1 that he deserves freedom, Prospero’s flashback to when he freed Ariel from “torment” is the only response. This is allusive to Prospero’s ‘Chain of Being’ mindset that servitude is a necessary justice for his noble kindness. Furthermore, Caliban claims, “This Island’s mine”, which is an allusive paradigm of the historical experiences of any populace unjustly subjected to colonisation. Caliban is unable to overcome the cultural and historical barriers to discovery, because of the oppressive Prospero. Prospero’s just action of freeing Ariel in the Act Five demonstrates his character growth and depicts an authorial intrusion alluding to the Humanist movement of the Renaissance. Hence, the conflict between justice and injustice as well as introspection emerges as a result of physical discovery.
This same tension is reflected through the metaphorical balance of light and dark in Heart of Darkness. Upon finally meeting Kurtz after a journey up the Congo River, Marlow describes their encounter as “to somehow throw a kind of light on everything about me”. The irony here is clear as Kurtz is the novel’s antagonist; carved by the Company to be prideful and condescending, especially towards the Native Africans. This alludes to the Frankenstein Complex; in which The Company- for greatest income- lionizes the leading ivory distributer, simultaneously creating a ‘monster’. Once Marlow discovers the darkness in Kurtz, his perception of Africa is transformed; to him, Africa “ceased to be a blank space of delightful mystery…It had become a place of darkness”. Marlow’s symbolic discovery of The Congo’s darkness through emotive diction saddens him, as what he dreamed about as a boy illuminated the injustice the Natives experienced on their own land. Hence, Marlow’s physical discovery of the Congo reveals the delicate balance between the metaphorical light and dark in Heart of Darkness.
While tension between two extremes plays a pivotal role in discovery, an exploration of character is necessary for a greater understanding of the role of physical discovery in introspection. The Tempest’s Prospero’s discoveries throughout the play are catalyzed by the physical displacement of the Nobles. However, it is Prospero’s introspection and subsequent self-discovery that positions him as the protagonist. Prospero’s retribution against the nobles is at its climax in Act 3 scene 3 in a satirical banquet that “disappears” in vengeance. However, Prospero’s intellectual discovery in Act 5 (the crux of the play) that Ariel- a spirit- could feel compassion towards the nobles and he- a man- could not, motivates his self-discovery. This leads him to remove the entity that made him superhuman-his magic; “And deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book”. This audio-visual imagery illustrates Prospero’s transformation as a result of physical discovery. Therefore, it is the physical discovery that allows Prospero to undergo change and introspection.
Contrastingly, while Heart of Darkness’ Kurtz’s physical discovery of Marlow stimulates self-discovery, it is too late for him to act on it as Prospero did. This paradigm reveals that while discoveries often result in an epiphany, it does not always result in an individual being able to take advantage of it. Kurtz, up until a few seconds before his death, exclaimed that the Company should “Exterminate all the brutes!” to improve Africa. This exclamation alludes to social context—anyone different in was considered threatening. However, Marlow recognizes Kurtz’s perilous actions and realises that he will become Kurtz if he did not suppress his evil urges (unlike Kurtz who succumbs to them). Kurtz’s last words, “The horror! The horror!” is a formidable repetitive exclamation. While filled with ambiguity, it can be interpreted as Kurtz’s solitary moment of self-realisation. However, this epiphany occurs too late for him to act upon this realisation. Hence, Kurtz’s physical discovery leads to a delayed self-discovery.
In conclusion, physical discovery is a critical stage in the journey of introspection. This notion is explored in The Tempest through injustice and justice, as well as an analysis of Prospero’s self-discovery, while Conrad’s Heart of Darkness reveals discovery through tensions between light and dark as well as Kurtz’s character. Ultimately, physical discovery is critical in the journey of self-discovery.
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 07, 2017, 10:10:16 pm
Hey guys! This is my AOS essay that I would be using for my trials! :) Not the exact question though, but I would adapt whatever I have to the question in the exam! :)
Please be really harsh with the feedback! I really want to improve as much as I can, since I know I'm pretty weak in the AOS module :(((
Thanks in advance! :D
Hey Dalvin! Here's your essay with feedback :) Thank you for your patience, we appreciate it! It's been a busy time.
Spoiler
The experience of an unplanned discovery can evoke an intense and meaningful emotional and intellectual responses. The extent to which a discovery impacts *** *** *** OR, the extent of.... is determined by the willingness for an individual to embrace the confronting yet educative experience that will allow them to break free from their social and cultural frameworks. Ang Lee’s film “Life of Pi” encompasses Pi’s unplanned discovery for the need to survive in isolation, which involves challenging his religious morals and thus extensively evokes Pi’s extreme emotional responses and a new understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Similarly, D.H Lawrence’s poem “Piano” embodies the persona’s journey of rediscovery through his memories that influences his distraught of adulthood which consequently results in a reminder of the tragedies and hardships of adulthood. Hence, through the experience of discovery and its consequences, it can enable one gain new perceptions and understandings. You've used my favourite introduction structure - engaging with the rubric, then talking about each of the texts in relation to the discovery they offer, and rounding it back off again.
Now I know what to expect from your essay!
Lee’s “Life of Pi” extensively explores Pi’s emotional dynamics through a range of discoveries that has challenged his religious morals. Personally, I think the best approach is to turn this into a conceptual sentence rather than textual. The reason being, this is a conceptual essay, supported analytically by texts. I would make the opening sentence about discovery, rather than about the texts. This way you use the text throughout the paragraph as a testament to the thesis, rather than vice versa. Unless, of course, you are reserving this sentence spot for the stimulus when it arrives.Pi’s journey encompasses a harsh and desolate ocean environment that has catalysed, what he considered, killing as an immoral act. Such includes the close up shot of the shift from a saturated to dull colour palette of the fish that Pi has killed. This shift visually parallels to Pi’s transition from his primitive to humanistic character, illustrating his sense of guilt and shame from subverting the humility of life. This is further illustrated through his sudden discovery of the flying fish as a food source which he then boldly screams to Richard Parker, “MINE!MINE!”, demonstrating his power over Richard Parker’s animal instincts, resulting in Pi to resemble the God of Yogis, Shiva, that symbolises the destruction of morals and values and the creation of new physicalities. Thus, illustrating how Pi’s irrationality has subverted his morals but has allowed him to form survival instincts. Moreover, the medium shot and diegetic sounds of Pi devouring the fish reveals the dismissal of his vegetarian diet, showcasing a strong desperation for survival. Hence, Lee subtly alludes to Quran 2:173 where it states that an individual forced by necessity to consume the forbidden meat, Pork, has no sin upon them. This in effect elucidates Pi’s consumption as a portrayal of his full understanding and acceptance to transgress his religious beliefs in extreme conditions. Consequently, Pi’s emotional responses catalysed by his sudden discovery has been elevated due to his necessity to subvert his morals and act beyond his comfort zone. I think the analysis in this paragraph evidently exists, but what concerns me is the lack of direction the paragraph has as a parallel to the discovery rubric. I can see that you're following the vein of religious morals in the plot, but I think you need to draw on a vein from the rubric as well. It's like you've chosen one lens for this paragraph, and that lens is religious morals and their challenges in the text. Perhaps instead, we should be looking at the idea about discovery that, discoveries prompt a reevaluation about previously esteemed beliefs. Then when we enter this paragraph, you tie it in with the religious beliefs as a way of making a very wonderfully dense paragraph! By changing the topic sentence, you gravitate the essay to be more conceptual/area of study based :)
Similarly, Lawrence’s persona in “Piano” undergoes a rediscovery of his childhood memories as an adult which stimulates antithetical emotional states. Similarly here: If you're going to explore the idea of rediscovery, then do so through a conceptual lens, and then bring the text in :)[/b]This poem manifests music as the persona’s catalyst to his rediscovery of his mother playing the piano which has caused his, “heart [to] weep to belong/ to the old Sunday evenings at home”. The persona’s reference to the “old Sunday” evening symbolises his conformity to the expectations of the 19th century – suppression of emotions. However, the word choice of “weep” develops the persona’s sentimental tone that denotes to his expression of his emotion. Coupled with the responder’s venture into the persona’s memories, represented through the metaphoric use of the second stanza, it becomes a platform to convey how such intimate and fragile moments of reflection are able expound an individual’s insecurities that expels a façade of conformity. Furthermore, the repetitive use of the onomatopoeic present verbs, “tingling”, “booming” paints a clear image from persona’s memory which reinforces his longing to relive his childhood, elaborating on his vulnerability of his emotional state. Furthered to this, the last stanza encompasses the persona’s distraught to be drawn as, “it is vain for the singer to burst into clamour/ great black appassionato”. The word choice of “clamour” and “appassionato”, a musical term for strong passion, evokes an auditory image of the persona’s desperate pleads to relive his childhood. Additionally, it encompasses the outrage of intense and mixed emotions of distraught, despair and desperation which serves to reveal the persona’s frustration of shifting in adulthood. Thus, Lawrence’s “Piano” reveals the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood as a gradual process that inevitably evokes the strong emotional responses that breaks his social standards. In the italicised part, discovery is only mentioned in a round-about way instead of being succinct. I think that your essay is great in terms of analysis and understanding the ways that techniques can accelerate the plot and the discoveries. BUT, I don't think the essay privileges "discoveries" and their complexities enough. I know you will adapt this essay in an exam to suit the question, but I think it's not unreasonable to expect more of it in advance - only because you want to have a strong idea about discovery that you will hybridise with the essay question :)
Despite differences within the experiences of discovering, an individual’s willingness to embrace and learn from them will inevitably bring upon intellectual responses. Yes! This is the kind of thing I think you should begin your other paragraphs with as well! I think this sends such a strong message about what I should expect from this paragraph, but it also addresses the rubric in a way that's confident. “Life of Pi” explores this through Pi’s understanding for the balance between the physical and metaphysical worlds. This is seen through Pi’s dream where the camera slowly zooms deeper into his eyes which employs a vignette of the zoo animals, Pi’s mother and the Mouth of Krishna. Lee’s intention serves as a synecdoche to Pi’s dynamic nature of his experience – conflicting, comforting and educating. Hence, Lee asserts Pi’s need for both worlds to maintain humility and survivability. This is further highlighted by the paradoxical voiceover, “If I haven’t found that island, I would’ve died. If I didn’t discover the tooth. I would’ve died”, which reinforces Pi’s renewed perception for the necessity of irrationalism and transgression as a means to restore his mentality and strength to progress further into the physical world. Concurrently, “Piano” explores this through the persona’s embrace of his experience of rediscovery that reminds him of the cruelty of adulthood. The last stanza, acts as a parallel to a coda in music, and thus it becomes a metaphor for the persona’s intellectual response as he asserts that, “of childish days is upon [him], [his] manhood is cast”. The line employs the accents of the disyllabic words of “childish” and “manhood” that juxtaposes the innocence of childhood to the hardships of adulthood. Hence, it proves the persona’s full understanding for differences between both stages. Moreover, the persona, “weep likes a child for the past” proffers a double meaning that is enforced by the simile. On a literal level, the simile denotes to the persona’s distraught for the inability to relive his childhood, serving as a reminder for the hardships of shifting to adulthood. Symbolically, the literary form and structural element of the poem also adds a meaning that communicates his realisation of the social incorrectness for men to cry, hence the line posits dual perspectives that proves his resentment to the social framework. Consequently, in order for individuals to experience an intellectual response from discovering, they must embrace the hardships and lesson that surpass their social frameworks.
In essence, the emotional and intellectual responses are evoked by the unplanned discoveries to which the extent proliferates once an individual extends beyond their social and cultural frameworks. “Life of Pi” explores Pi’s emotional dynamics upon the discovery for necessity to survive and thus, gains an understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Whilst “Piano”, encompasses the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood that evokes the sentimentality, that allows him to gain insight to the cruelty of the world. Thus, despite the nature of the discovery and the extent of an individual’s response, it is compulsory for new experiences and understanding of the self and others to be supplements to the experience of discovery.
.
Now I know what to expect from your essay!
Lee’s “Life of Pi” extensively explores Pi’s emotional dynamics through a range of discoveries that has challenged his religious morals. Personally, I think the best approach is to turn this into a conceptual sentence rather than textual. The reason being, this is a conceptual essay, supported analytically by texts. I would make the opening sentence about discovery, rather than about the texts. This way you use the text throughout the paragraph as a testament to the thesis, rather than vice versa. Unless, of course, you are reserving this sentence spot for the stimulus when it arrives.Pi’s journey encompasses a harsh and desolate ocean environment that has catalysed, what he considered, killing as an immoral act. Such includes the close up shot of the shift from a saturated to dull colour palette of the fish that Pi has killed. This shift visually parallels to Pi’s transition from his primitive to humanistic character, illustrating his sense of guilt and shame from subverting the humility of life. This is further illustrated through his sudden discovery of the flying fish as a food source which he then boldly screams to Richard Parker, “MINE!MINE!”, demonstrating his power over Richard Parker’s animal instincts, resulting in Pi to resemble the God of Yogis, Shiva, that symbolises the destruction of morals and values and the creation of new physicalities. Thus, illustrating how Pi’s irrationality has subverted his morals but has allowed him to form survival instincts. Moreover, the medium shot and diegetic sounds of Pi devouring the fish reveals the dismissal of his vegetarian diet, showcasing a strong desperation for survival. Hence, Lee subtly alludes to Quran 2:173 where it states that an individual forced by necessity to consume the forbidden meat, Pork, has no sin upon them. This in effect elucidates Pi’s consumption as a portrayal of his full understanding and acceptance to transgress his religious beliefs in extreme conditions. Consequently, Pi’s emotional responses catalysed by his sudden discovery has been elevated due to his necessity to subvert his morals and act beyond his comfort zone. I think the analysis in this paragraph evidently exists, but what concerns me is the lack of direction the paragraph has as a parallel to the discovery rubric. I can see that you're following the vein of religious morals in the plot, but I think you need to draw on a vein from the rubric as well. It's like you've chosen one lens for this paragraph, and that lens is religious morals and their challenges in the text. Perhaps instead, we should be looking at the idea about discovery that, discoveries prompt a reevaluation about previously esteemed beliefs. Then when we enter this paragraph, you tie it in with the religious beliefs as a way of making a very wonderfully dense paragraph! By changing the topic sentence, you gravitate the essay to be more conceptual/area of study based :)
Similarly, Lawrence’s persona in “Piano” undergoes a rediscovery of his childhood memories as an adult which stimulates antithetical emotional states. Similarly here: If you're going to explore the idea of rediscovery, then do so through a conceptual lens, and then bring the text in :)[/b]This poem manifests music as the persona’s catalyst to his rediscovery of his mother playing the piano which has caused his, “heart [to] weep to belong/ to the old Sunday evenings at home”. The persona’s reference to the “old Sunday” evening symbolises his conformity to the expectations of the 19th century – suppression of emotions. However, the word choice of “weep” develops the persona’s sentimental tone that denotes to his expression of his emotion. Coupled with the responder’s venture into the persona’s memories, represented through the metaphoric use of the second stanza, it becomes a platform to convey how such intimate and fragile moments of reflection are able expound an individual’s insecurities that expels a façade of conformity. Furthermore, the repetitive use of the onomatopoeic present verbs, “tingling”, “booming” paints a clear image from persona’s memory which reinforces his longing to relive his childhood, elaborating on his vulnerability of his emotional state. Furthered to this, the last stanza encompasses the persona’s distraught to be drawn as, “it is vain for the singer to burst into clamour/ great black appassionato”. The word choice of “clamour” and “appassionato”, a musical term for strong passion, evokes an auditory image of the persona’s desperate pleads to relive his childhood. Additionally, it encompasses the outrage of intense and mixed emotions of distraught, despair and desperation which serves to reveal the persona’s frustration of shifting in adulthood. Thus, Lawrence’s “Piano” reveals the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood as a gradual process that inevitably evokes the strong emotional responses that breaks his social standards. In the italicised part, discovery is only mentioned in a round-about way instead of being succinct. I think that your essay is great in terms of analysis and understanding the ways that techniques can accelerate the plot and the discoveries. BUT, I don't think the essay privileges "discoveries" and their complexities enough. I know you will adapt this essay in an exam to suit the question, but I think it's not unreasonable to expect more of it in advance - only because you want to have a strong idea about discovery that you will hybridise with the essay question :)
Despite differences within the experiences of discovering, an individual’s willingness to embrace and learn from them will inevitably bring upon intellectual responses. Yes! This is the kind of thing I think you should begin your other paragraphs with as well! I think this sends such a strong message about what I should expect from this paragraph, but it also addresses the rubric in a way that's confident. “Life of Pi” explores this through Pi’s understanding for the balance between the physical and metaphysical worlds. This is seen through Pi’s dream where the camera slowly zooms deeper into his eyes which employs a vignette of the zoo animals, Pi’s mother and the Mouth of Krishna. Lee’s intention serves as a synecdoche to Pi’s dynamic nature of his experience – conflicting, comforting and educating. Hence, Lee asserts Pi’s need for both worlds to maintain humility and survivability. This is further highlighted by the paradoxical voiceover, “If I haven’t found that island, I would’ve died. If I didn’t discover the tooth. I would’ve died”, which reinforces Pi’s renewed perception for the necessity of irrationalism and transgression as a means to restore his mentality and strength to progress further into the physical world. Concurrently, “Piano” explores this through the persona’s embrace of his experience of rediscovery that reminds him of the cruelty of adulthood. The last stanza, acts as a parallel to a coda in music, and thus it becomes a metaphor for the persona’s intellectual response as he asserts that, “of childish days is upon [him], [his] manhood is cast”. The line employs the accents of the disyllabic words of “childish” and “manhood” that juxtaposes the innocence of childhood to the hardships of adulthood. Hence, it proves the persona’s full understanding for differences between both stages. Moreover, the persona, “weep likes a child for the past” proffers a double meaning that is enforced by the simile. On a literal level, the simile denotes to the persona’s distraught for the inability to relive his childhood, serving as a reminder for the hardships of shifting to adulthood. Symbolically, the literary form and structural element of the poem also adds a meaning that communicates his realisation of the social incorrectness for men to cry, hence the line posits dual perspectives that proves his resentment to the social framework. Consequently, in order for individuals to experience an intellectual response from discovering, they must embrace the hardships and lesson that surpass their social frameworks.
In essence, the emotional and intellectual responses are evoked by the unplanned discoveries to which the extent proliferates once an individual extends beyond their social and cultural frameworks. “Life of Pi” explores Pi’s emotional dynamics upon the discovery for necessity to survive and thus, gains an understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Whilst “Piano”, encompasses the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood that evokes the sentimentality, that allows him to gain insight to the cruelty of the world. Thus, despite the nature of the discovery and the extent of an individual’s response, it is compulsory for new experiences and understanding of the self and others to be supplements to the experience of discovery.
.
In terms of emotional and itnellectual: "emotional" is dealt with fairly consistently throughout the response, but intellectual responses to discovery only really exist in the third body paragraph. So this needs more addressing throughout to be consistent. But I'll also mention that just because emotions are involved, it doesn't mean it is necessarily an emotional response to discovery, which is what the question asks for. I didn't think this was a strong vein in your work - often I was left wishing there was more discovery. I think the solution is kind of shifting the way you see this module. Instead of it being about texts, put the privilege on discovery, and simply prove the discovery with the texts. You're not at all far off: you've got everything you need to make this work really well. The analysis is there, it really is just about shifting the focus of your essay to make discovery more prominent, and I've suggested ways to do this. Hopefully this all makes sense, if anything isn't clear or you have more questions, please let me know! :)
Post by: DalvinT on July 09, 2017, 12:30:59 am
Hey Dalvin! Here's your essay with feedback :) Thank you for your patience, we appreciate it! It's been a busy time.SpoilerThe experience of an unplanned discovery can evokeanintense and meaningful emotional and intellectual responses. The extent to which a discovery impacts *** *** *** OR, the extent of.... is determined by the willingness for an individual to embrace the confronting yet educative experience that will allow them to break free from their social and cultural frameworks. Ang Lee’s film “Life of Pi” encompasses Pi’s unplanned discovery for the need to survive in isolation, which involves challenging his religious morals and thus extensively evokes Pi’s extreme emotional responses and a new understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Similarly, D.H Lawrence’s poem “Piano” embodies the persona’s journey of rediscovery through his memories that influences his distraught of adulthood which consequently results in a reminder of the tragedies and hardships of adulthood. Hence, through the experience of discovery and its consequences, it can enable one gain new perceptions and understandings. You've used my favourite introduction structure - engaging with the rubric, then talking about each of the texts in relation to the discovery they offer, and rounding it back off again.
Now I know what to expect from your essay!
Lee’s “Life of Pi” extensively explores Pi’s emotional dynamics through a range of discoveries that has challenged his religious morals. Personally, I think the best approach is to turn this into a conceptual sentence rather than textual. The reason being, this is a conceptual essay, supported analytically by texts. I would make the opening sentence about discovery, rather than about the texts. This way you use the text throughout the paragraph as a testament to the thesis, rather than vice versa. Unless, of course, you are reserving this sentence spot for the stimulus when it arrives.Pi’s journey encompasses a harsh and desolate ocean environment that has catalysed, what he considered, killing as an immoral act. Such includes the close up shot of the shift from a saturated to dull colour palette of the fish that Pi has killed. This shift visually parallels to Pi’s transition from his primitive to humanistic character, illustrating his sense of guilt and shame from subverting the humility of life. This is further illustrated through his sudden discovery of the flying fish as a food source which he then boldly screams to Richard Parker, “MINE!MINE!”, demonstrating his power over Richard Parker’s animal instincts, resulting in Pi to resemble the God of Yogis, Shiva, that symbolises the destruction of morals and values and the creation of new physicalities. Thus, illustrating how Pi’s irrationality has subverted his morals but has allowed him to form survival instincts. Moreover, the medium shot and diegetic sounds of Pi devouring the fish reveals the dismissal of his vegetarian diet, showcasing a strong desperation for survival. Hence, Lee subtly alludes to Quran 2:173 where it states that an individual forced by necessity to consume the forbidden meat, Pork, has no sin upon them. This in effect elucidates Pi’s consumption as a portrayal of his full understanding and acceptance to transgress his religious beliefs in extreme conditions. Consequently, Pi’s emotional responses catalysed by his sudden discovery has been elevated due to his necessity to subvert his morals and act beyond his comfort zone. I think the analysis in this paragraph evidently exists, but what concerns me is the lack of direction the paragraph has as a parallel to the discovery rubric. I can see that you're following the vein of religious morals in the plot, but I think you need to draw on a vein from the rubric as well. It's like you've chosen one lens for this paragraph, and that lens is religious morals and their challenges in the text. Perhaps instead, we should be looking at the idea about discovery that, discoveries prompt a reevaluation about previously esteemed beliefs. Then when we enter this paragraph, you tie it in with the religious beliefs as a way of making a very wonderfully dense paragraph! By changing the topic sentence, you gravitate the essay to be more conceptual/area of study based :)
Similarly, Lawrence’s persona in “Piano” undergoes a rediscovery of his childhood memories as an adult which stimulates antithetical emotional states. Similarly here: If you're going to explore the idea of rediscovery, then do so through a conceptual lens, and then bring the text in :)[/b]This poem manifests music as the persona’s catalyst to his rediscovery of his mother playing the piano which has caused his, “heart [to] weep to belong/ to the old Sunday evenings at home”. The persona’s reference to the “old Sunday” evening symbolises his conformity to the expectations of the 19th century – suppression of emotions. However, the word choice of “weep” develops the persona’s sentimental tone that denotes to his expression of his emotion. Coupled with the responder’s venture into the persona’s memories, represented through the metaphoric use of the second stanza, it becomes a platform to convey how such intimate and fragile moments of reflection are able expound an individual’s insecurities that expels a façade of conformity. Furthermore, the repetitive use of the onomatopoeic present verbs, “tingling”, “booming” paints a clear image from persona’s memory which reinforces his longing to relive his childhood, elaborating on his vulnerability of his emotional state. Furthered to this, the last stanza encompasses the persona’s distraught to be drawn as, “it is vain for the singer to burst into clamour/ great black appassionato”. The word choice of “clamour” and “appassionato”, a musical term for strong passion, evokes an auditory image of the persona’s desperate pleads to relive his childhood. Additionally, it encompasses the outrage of intense and mixed emotions of distraught, despair and desperation which serves to reveal the persona’s frustration of shifting in adulthood. Thus, Lawrence’s “Piano” reveals the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood as a gradual process that inevitably evokes the strong emotional responses that breaks his social standards. In the italicised part, discovery is only mentioned in a round-about way instead of being succinct. I think that your essay is great in terms of analysis and understanding the ways that techniques can accelerate the plot and the discoveries. BUT, I don't think the essay privileges "discoveries" and their complexities enough. I know you will adapt this essay in an exam to suit the question, but I think it's not unreasonable to expect more of it in advance - only because you want to have a strong idea about discovery that you will hybridise with the essay question :)
Despite differences within the experiences of discovering, an individual’s willingness to embrace and learn from them will inevitably bring upon intellectual responses. Yes! This is the kind of thing I think you should begin your other paragraphs with as well! I think this sends such a strong message about what I should expect from this paragraph, but it also addresses the rubric in a way that's confident. “Life of Pi” explores this through Pi’s understanding for the balance between the physical and metaphysical worlds. This is seen through Pi’s dream where the camera slowly zooms deeper into his eyes which employs a vignette of the zoo animals, Pi’s mother and the Mouth of Krishna. Lee’s intention serves as a synecdoche to Pi’s dynamic nature of his experience – conflicting, comforting and educating. Hence, Lee asserts Pi’s need for both worlds to maintain humility and survivability. This is further highlighted by the paradoxical voiceover, “If I haven’t found that island, I would’ve died. If I didn’t discover the tooth. I would’ve died”, which reinforces Pi’s renewed perception for the necessity of irrationalism and transgression as a means to restore his mentality and strength to progress further into the physical world. Concurrently, “Piano” explores this through the persona’s embrace of his experience of rediscovery that reminds him of the cruelty of adulthood. The last stanza, acts as a parallel to a coda in music, and thus it becomes a metaphor for the persona’s intellectual response as he asserts that, “of childish days is upon [him], [his] manhood is cast”. The line employs the accents of the disyllabic words of “childish” and “manhood” that juxtaposes the innocence of childhood to the hardships of adulthood. Hence, it proves the persona’s full understanding for differences between both stages. Moreover, the persona, “weep likes a child for the past” proffers a double meaning that is enforced by the simile. On a literal level, the simile denotes to the persona’s distraught for the inability to relive his childhood, serving as a reminder for the hardships of shifting to adulthood. Symbolically, the literary form and structural element of the poem also adds a meaning that communicates his realisation of the social incorrectness for men to cry, hence the line posits dual perspectives that proves his resentment to the social framework. Consequently, in order for individuals to experience an intellectual response from discovering, they must embrace the hardships and lesson that surpass their social frameworks.
In essence, the emotional and intellectual responses are evoked by the unplanned discoveries to which the extent proliferates once an individual extends beyond their social and cultural frameworks. “Life of Pi” explores Pi’s emotional dynamics upon the discovery for necessity to survive and thus, gains an understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Whilst “Piano”, encompasses the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood that evokes the sentimentality, that allows him to gain insight to the cruelty of the world. Thus, despite the nature of the discovery and the extent of an individual’s response, it is compulsory for new experiences and understanding of the self and others to be supplements to the experience of discovery.
.
In terms of emotional and itnellectual: "emotional" is dealt with fairly consistently throughout the response, but intellectual responses to discovery only really exist in the third body paragraph. So this needs more addressing throughout to be consistent. But I'll also mention that just because emotions are involved, it doesn't mean it is necessarily an emotional response to discovery, which is what the question asks for. I didn't think this was a strong vein in your work - often I was left wishing there was more discovery. I think the solution is kind of shifting the way you see this module. Instead of it being about texts, put the privilege on discovery, and simply prove the discovery with the texts. You're not at all far off: you've got everything you need to make this work really well. The analysis is there, it really is just about shifting the focus of your essay to make discovery more prominent, and I've suggested ways to do this. Hopefully this all makes sense, if anything isn't clear or you have more questions, please let me know! :)
WOWW! :OOO THANKSS SO MUCH ELYSE! No worries at all haha, it wasn't that long :)
And yeah, I really love the suggestions you've made and critics. Definitely, will be using them. And practising to manipulate thesis statements on the spot and constructing those conceptual topic sentences as well!!
In terms of my structure, do you think synthesising both texts in one paragraph, such as the third body, was a good idea? Like, did it blur the clarity of what I was trying to address?
However, sometimes when writing them, I feel like I go off track to what the thesis is addressing.
For example, below I've attempted to do one for one of my first body paragraphs.
The experience of discovery evokes an individual’s transgression of their values and thus, they innately respond emotionally, however, it can also draw upon new behaviours that are uncommon to the individual. Life of Pi explores this through a range of Pi’s discoveries that have challenged his religious morals.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 09, 2017, 12:08:25 pm
Hello can someone please look at my response for this AOS comprehension Q:
Sure thing! Sorry it took so long, this was short so I should have just done it earlier. But here we go:
Edit: Woops, those links you provided have expired! I'll mark it anyway, I shouldn't need the text to know how good your analysis is.
Spoiler
Through clever poetic techniques and a unique retrospective style of poetry, the persona effectively portrays the processes they had undergone which had led them to several intellectual self-discoveries. Don't say the persona portrays, the COMPOSER portrays - But, effective first sentence! The rhetorical title “Who am I” is answered throughout the poem, and through the anaphora of “I am”, the persona refers to an extensive range of processes and discoveries which had resulted in a stronger understanding of themselves. Great, excellent work, great to see you referencing the title as well, many people forget they often contain a technique. An intellectual discovery by knowledge of science is evident through the referencing of the composition of planets, in “ring around Saturn, spinning words as particles of ice and dust”. Thus, the juxtaposition is evident when the persona describes a religious allusion to the “Divine Presence”, a term used to refer to God. I'd like you to link these two sentences, because the "reference" in the previous isn't really a technique. Maybe say, "The juxtaposition of the "divine presence" with the more scientific allusion to the "ring around Saturn,.." - Then go into what that achieves. Thus, by comparison between science and religion, the persona encapsulates the range of experience and thoughts which had impacted on an understanding of themselves. Ultimately, the persona realises that there exists “different parts of me”, and through undergoing intellectual self-discovery, comes to terms of acceptance and answers the rhetorical question, “I AM, THAT, I AM”.
A solid response! Great use of techniques on the whole, but you could probably be a little more succinct in the middle there if you wanted to be, to maybe add one more technique. Be sure the composer gets due credit, not just the persona they have created. Otherwise, great work! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 09, 2017, 12:36:38 pm
Hi!
Can I please have feedback on my AOS discovery essay?
I wasn't really sure where to post it, so I wouldn't mind this post moved :)
Thank you!! :D
Sure thing bananna! Your essay is attached with feedback in bold:
Spoiler
Physical discoveries set the scene for further introspection. This is why it is critical for this component to be present. Do you agree? Make detailed reference to The Tempest and Heart of darkness in your response.
Discovery is a complex notion entailing numerous interconnected components that together offer a profound insight into the concept that physical discoveries are a catalyst for introspection. This Thesis is a little roundabout - Discoveries offer insight into Discoveries. It's a little confusing to the reader, I get what you mean but I think you might want to rework this a bit. William Shakespeare’s 1611 play The Tempest is a prime example of this paradigm, explicating the motif of the tension between justice and injustice as well as exploring Prospero’s discoveries that lead to his introspection. A slightly stronger reference to physical discoveries would work well here, really hammer the question home. Joseph Conrad’s 1899 novel Heart of Darkness explores the tension between an individual’s metaphorical light and darkness, with Kurtz revealing the intrinsic notion of physical discovery leading to introspection. Thus, the notion that physical discoveries serve as a catalyst for further introspection will be revealed. Solid introduction on the whole. The concept might need a little fleshing out, but on the whole good work!!
The interplay of justice and injustice arises in The Tempest as a result of Prospero’s physical discovery of the island, resulting in his introspection. Good - Perhaps a tad plot focused but I think given the nature of the topic and the question this is probably unavoidable to an extent. While Caliban receives justice for trying to euphemistically “violate the honour” of Miranda by being subjugated under Prospero, the wronged Duke of Milan has no trepidation keeping Ariel as his slave. Retell, remember, your marker has read the text (or at least, you always assume that). No plot details necessary! When Ariel mentions in Act 1 that he deserves freedom, Prospero’s flashback to when he freed Ariel from “torment” is the only response. Retell. This is allusive to Prospero’s ‘Chain of Being’ mindset that servitude is a necessary justice for his noble kindness. Furthermore, Caliban claims, “This Island’s mine”, which is an allusive paradigm of the historical experiences of any populace unjustly subjected to colonisation. Be sure to make a specific reference to the fact that that technique was the composer's doing, the character didn't just have it there by coincidence. Composers make choices to convey themes! Caliban is unable to overcome the cultural and historical barriers to discovery, because of the oppressive Prospero. Prospero’s just action of freeing Ariel in the Act Five demonstrates his character growth and depicts an authorial intrusion alluding to the Humanist movement of the Renaissance. Retelling. Hence, the conflict between justice and injustice as well as introspection emerges as a result of physical discovery. Solid concepts on show, but not much analysis. A lot of this is retelling the plot. The places where you used techniques were excellent!
This same tension is reflected through the metaphorical balance of light and dark in Heart of Darkness. Upon finally meeting Kurtz after a journey up the Congo River, Marlow describes their encounter as “to somehow throw a kind of light on everything about me”. Retell - A technique here? The irony here is clear as Kurtz is the novel’s antagonist; carved by the Company to be prideful and condescending, especially towards the Native Africans. Retell. This alludes to the Frankenstein Complex; in which The Company- for greatest income- lionizes the leading ivory distributer, simultaneously creating a ‘monster’. Once Marlow discovers the darkness in Kurtz, his perception of Africa is transformed; to him, Africa “ceased to be a blank space of delightful mystery…It had become a place of darkness”. Retell. Marlow’s symbolic discovery of The Congo’s darkness through emotive diction saddens him, as what he dreamed about as a boy illuminated the injustice the Natives experienced on their own land. Hence, Be careful not to attribute techniques to characters, ALWAYS composers! Marlow’s physical discovery of the Congo reveals the delicate balance between the metaphorical light and dark in Heart of Darkness.
While tension between two extremes plays a pivotal role in discovery, an exploration of character is necessary for a greater understanding of the role of physical discovery in introspection. I'm a little unsure what you mean by this Thesis. So we are exploring character to understand the role of discovery in introspection... Personally I don't quite click with this. The Tempest’s Prospero’s discoveries throughout the play are catalyzed by the physical displacement of the Nobles. However, it is Prospero’s introspection and subsequent self-discovery that positions him as the protagonist. Retelling the plot a little bit here. Prospero’s retribution against the nobles is at its climax in Act 3 scene 3 in a satirical banquet that “disappears” in vengeance. Retell. However, Prospero’s intellectual discovery in Act 5 (the crux of the play) that Ariel- a spirit- could feel compassion towards the nobles and he- a man- could not, motivates his self-discovery. Try not to use things that happen in the text as evidence of Discovery - It needs to be about techniques and how they are used to represent ideas to us, the audience. This leads him to remove the entity that made him superhuman-his magic; “And deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book”. This audio-visual imagery illustrates Prospero’s transformation as a result of physical discovery. This is better - This sentence here, technique and what it shows, is the analytical style you should be driving for. Therefore, it is the physical discovery that allows Prospero to undergo change and introspection.
Contrastingly, while Heart of Darkness’ Kurtz’s physical discovery of Marlow stimulates self-discovery, it is too late for him to act on it as Prospero did. I like that you are drawing parallels and contradictions between the texts. Good work there. This paradigm reveals that while discoveries often result in an epiphany, it does not always result in an individual being able to take advantage of it. Good concept. Kurtz, up until a few seconds before his death, exclaimed that the Company should “Exterminate all the brutes!” to improve Africa. This exclamation alludes to social context—anyone different in was considered threatening. This is close to what you need - But the technique of exclamation needs to be attributed to the composer. However, Marlow recognizes Kurtz’s perilous actions and realises that he will become Kurtz if he did not suppress his evil urges (unlike Kurtz who succumbs to them). Retell. Kurtz’s last words, “The horror! The horror!” is a formidable repetitive exclamation. While filled with ambiguity, it can be interpreted as Kurtz’s solitary moment of self-realisation. Try to be high modality - Don't say "can be interpreted," be more sure of your arguments than that! However, this epiphany occurs too late for him to act upon this realisation. Retell. Hence, Kurtz’s physical discovery leads to a delayed self-discovery.
In conclusion, physical discovery is a critical stage in the journey of introspection. You don't need "in conclusion" at the start of this sentence. It is the conclusion and the marker knows that. This notion is explored in The Tempest through injustice and justice, as well as an analysis of Prospero’s self-discovery, while Conrad’s Heart of Darkness reveals discovery through tensions between light and dark as well as Kurtz’s character. Ultimately, physical discovery is critical in the journey of self-discovery.
Discovery is a complex notion entailing numerous interconnected components that together offer a profound insight into the concept that physical discoveries are a catalyst for introspection. This Thesis is a little roundabout - Discoveries offer insight into Discoveries. It's a little confusing to the reader, I get what you mean but I think you might want to rework this a bit. William Shakespeare’s 1611 play The Tempest is a prime example of this paradigm, explicating the motif of the tension between justice and injustice as well as exploring Prospero’s discoveries that lead to his introspection. A slightly stronger reference to physical discoveries would work well here, really hammer the question home. Joseph Conrad’s 1899 novel Heart of Darkness explores the tension between an individual’s metaphorical light and darkness, with Kurtz revealing the intrinsic notion of physical discovery leading to introspection. Thus, the notion that physical discoveries serve as a catalyst for further introspection will be revealed. Solid introduction on the whole. The concept might need a little fleshing out, but on the whole good work!!
The interplay of justice and injustice arises in The Tempest as a result of Prospero’s physical discovery of the island, resulting in his introspection. Good - Perhaps a tad plot focused but I think given the nature of the topic and the question this is probably unavoidable to an extent. While Caliban receives justice for trying to euphemistically “violate the honour” of Miranda by being subjugated under Prospero, the wronged Duke of Milan has no trepidation keeping Ariel as his slave. Retell, remember, your marker has read the text (or at least, you always assume that). No plot details necessary! When Ariel mentions in Act 1 that he deserves freedom, Prospero’s flashback to when he freed Ariel from “torment” is the only response. Retell. This is allusive to Prospero’s ‘Chain of Being’ mindset that servitude is a necessary justice for his noble kindness. Furthermore, Caliban claims, “This Island’s mine”, which is an allusive paradigm of the historical experiences of any populace unjustly subjected to colonisation. Be sure to make a specific reference to the fact that that technique was the composer's doing, the character didn't just have it there by coincidence. Composers make choices to convey themes! Caliban is unable to overcome the cultural and historical barriers to discovery, because of the oppressive Prospero. Prospero’s just action of freeing Ariel in the Act Five demonstrates his character growth and depicts an authorial intrusion alluding to the Humanist movement of the Renaissance. Retelling. Hence, the conflict between justice and injustice as well as introspection emerges as a result of physical discovery. Solid concepts on show, but not much analysis. A lot of this is retelling the plot. The places where you used techniques were excellent!
This same tension is reflected through the metaphorical balance of light and dark in Heart of Darkness. Upon finally meeting Kurtz after a journey up the Congo River, Marlow describes their encounter as “to somehow throw a kind of light on everything about me”. Retell - A technique here? The irony here is clear as Kurtz is the novel’s antagonist; carved by the Company to be prideful and condescending, especially towards the Native Africans. Retell. This alludes to the Frankenstein Complex; in which The Company- for greatest income- lionizes the leading ivory distributer, simultaneously creating a ‘monster’. Once Marlow discovers the darkness in Kurtz, his perception of Africa is transformed; to him, Africa “ceased to be a blank space of delightful mystery…It had become a place of darkness”. Retell. Marlow’s symbolic discovery of The Congo’s darkness through emotive diction saddens him, as what he dreamed about as a boy illuminated the injustice the Natives experienced on their own land. Hence, Be careful not to attribute techniques to characters, ALWAYS composers! Marlow’s physical discovery of the Congo reveals the delicate balance between the metaphorical light and dark in Heart of Darkness.
While tension between two extremes plays a pivotal role in discovery, an exploration of character is necessary for a greater understanding of the role of physical discovery in introspection. I'm a little unsure what you mean by this Thesis. So we are exploring character to understand the role of discovery in introspection... Personally I don't quite click with this. The Tempest’s Prospero’s discoveries throughout the play are catalyzed by the physical displacement of the Nobles. However, it is Prospero’s introspection and subsequent self-discovery that positions him as the protagonist. Retelling the plot a little bit here. Prospero’s retribution against the nobles is at its climax in Act 3 scene 3 in a satirical banquet that “disappears” in vengeance. Retell. However, Prospero’s intellectual discovery in Act 5 (the crux of the play) that Ariel- a spirit- could feel compassion towards the nobles and he- a man- could not, motivates his self-discovery. Try not to use things that happen in the text as evidence of Discovery - It needs to be about techniques and how they are used to represent ideas to us, the audience. This leads him to remove the entity that made him superhuman-his magic; “And deeper than did ever plummet sound I’ll drown my book”. This audio-visual imagery illustrates Prospero’s transformation as a result of physical discovery. This is better - This sentence here, technique and what it shows, is the analytical style you should be driving for. Therefore, it is the physical discovery that allows Prospero to undergo change and introspection.
Contrastingly, while Heart of Darkness’ Kurtz’s physical discovery of Marlow stimulates self-discovery, it is too late for him to act on it as Prospero did. I like that you are drawing parallels and contradictions between the texts. Good work there. This paradigm reveals that while discoveries often result in an epiphany, it does not always result in an individual being able to take advantage of it. Good concept. Kurtz, up until a few seconds before his death, exclaimed that the Company should “Exterminate all the brutes!” to improve Africa. This exclamation alludes to social context—anyone different in was considered threatening. This is close to what you need - But the technique of exclamation needs to be attributed to the composer. However, Marlow recognizes Kurtz’s perilous actions and realises that he will become Kurtz if he did not suppress his evil urges (unlike Kurtz who succumbs to them). Retell. Kurtz’s last words, “The horror! The horror!” is a formidable repetitive exclamation. While filled with ambiguity, it can be interpreted as Kurtz’s solitary moment of self-realisation. Try to be high modality - Don't say "can be interpreted," be more sure of your arguments than that! However, this epiphany occurs too late for him to act upon this realisation. Retell. Hence, Kurtz’s physical discovery leads to a delayed self-discovery.
In conclusion, physical discovery is a critical stage in the journey of introspection. You don't need "in conclusion" at the start of this sentence. It is the conclusion and the marker knows that. This notion is explored in The Tempest through injustice and justice, as well as an analysis of Prospero’s self-discovery, while Conrad’s Heart of Darkness reveals discovery through tensions between light and dark as well as Kurtz’s character. Ultimately, physical discovery is critical in the journey of self-discovery.
Great work banana!My main comment for this essay would be quality of analysis. You've got a great and methodical structure, and good ideas that are expressed quite clearly in most circumstances - What is missing is the analytical stuff. I'm not getting a heap of techniques, I'm getting mostly retell of plot and character experiences. This isn't what we need - We need, 'The composer uses TECHNIQUE in QUOTE to portray "Blah blah blah."'
Using the plot and characters to show your concepts is good, but it isn't great. Showing how the composer uses techniques deliberately, to communicate key ideas to us as an audience - That is the Band 6 approach ;D
You've got a great framework here, the analysis just needs to slot in - If you have any questions about my comments throughout, let me know! ;D
Post by: jennifer.le11 on July 10, 2017, 10:08:06 pm
If it is possible could you please have a look at this essay and see what needs to be fixed? If you could give brutal criticism id love that because i'm quite lost for AOS and trials are very soon but otherwise even just a look at general feedback would be absolutely amazing! Thanks so you much :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 10, 2017, 10:15:58 pm
Hiii
If it is possible could you please have a look at this essay and see what needs to be fixed? If you could give brutal criticism id love that because i'm quite lost for AOS and trials are very soon but otherwise even just a look at general feedback would be absolutely amazing! Thanks so you much :)
Hey Jennifer! Welcome to the forums! ;D
Thanks for posting your essay, unfortunately our essay marking rules require you to have 25 posts per response you'd like marked, just to make sure the markers can keep up. If you hang around the site for a while that will build up in no time! ;D
Post by: savannahhughes00 on July 16, 2017, 12:01:15 pm
here's my area of study essay, feedback would be SO appreciated.
thanks for all your dedication team xoxoxo
JASPER JONES AWAY ESSAY
‘The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known’ In your response, refer to your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing.
Discoveries are significant in that they involve a shift in thinking whereby previous assumptions are reconsidered and new material is uncovered. Such ideological shifts are encouraged by relationships, as individuals share new perspectives on issues such as loss. Michael Gow’s Away explores the power of relationships through three 1960s Australian families in their response to loss while Craig Silvey’s Jasper Jones sees the implications of loss on characters in country Australia, and the ways in which new relationships encourage them to come to terms with their situation. In both texts characters allow themselves to reconsider their perspective through the influence of others and achieve a more satisfying outlook on the world.
Gow’s play Away focusses on characters whose initial response to loss is to
isolate themselves in an alternate reality, unable to come to terms with the nature of their respective situations. Responding to the loss of her son in the Vietnam War, Coral struggles to form or maintain relationships with others under the grips of mental illness. She promises her husband Roy, a school headmaster, “I’ll be calm… I’ll look after myself…I’ll have fun”, the anaphora underscoring her attempts to connect with those around her. Roy responds to this with the monosyllabic, “I miss the boy too. I feel it.”, highlighting the implications of loss on the couple as they struggle to progress. Whilst Coral is largely unable to relate to other people, Gwen is judgemental, restricted by the essentialist mentality of her past life, as seen in the simile “we stuck to our plans like the Bible”. She criticizes Tom’s immigrant family because “they both work…in a factory”, highlighting the superiority she assumes. This is furthered in her dialogue, demeaning the family in saying “have a lovely time in your…tent”, as her unwillingness to see the value in alternate lifestyles hinders her discovery. Thus, loss prevents both Coral and Gwen from connecting with those around them, inhibiting discovery as they remain confined in their own perception of the world.
Exploring the implications of loss on a half-caste boy with no stable parental figure, Jasper Jones shares the exploitation of vulnerability seen in country Corrigan. Losing his mother at a young age, and having a father who is “no good” positions Jasper Jones as a disadvantaged and vulnerable member of society, his isolation from the community impeding on his ultimate self-discovery. With the loss of his wife, Jasper’s father becomes a “worthless, jobless, drunk”, tricolon underscoring his incapability to parent a child. With no parental figure, Jasper is forced to become “a Thief, a Liar, a Thug, a Truant”, with asyndeton reading like past occupations, highlighting Jasper Jones’s vulnerability and isolation. The community comes to exploit his vulnerability, with prejudice seen in “people who expect three meals a day…that look at (Jasper) like (he’s) rubbish”. Furthering this, the Police assume Jasper’s involvement in a missing persons case, physically abusing him until “he couldn’t breathe right”. Because of his vulnerability “they don’t need a reason”, the definitive tone underscoring the isolation Jasper experiences as an ultimate consequence of the loss of his mother. Thus, it is the loss of his mother and his father’s inability to come to terms with this loss that forces Jasper Jones into a vulnerable and isolated position, impeding his discovery as his situation is exploited by the community.
Coming from their isolation throughout Away, Coral and Gwen are able to discover a more satisfying perspective of the world through relationships, as connecting with others expands their respective ways of thinking. Having run away from her husband, Coral forms a relationship with Tom, a student battling leukaemia. Coral “told (Tom) the whole story” and Tom “told her a thing or two that helped”, allowing the characters to empathise with each other after concealing their emotions. Coral’s discovery is seen in the play within a play, The Stranger on the Shore, breaking away from her acting character and calling in her own voice “I’m walking, I’m walking” symbolising her ability to come to terms with her grief and move forward. Similarly, Gwen forms a relationship with Tom’s mother as they “go for a walk”, the setting of the natural world encouraging a sense of openness. Stage directions indicate “the women come back. They have been crying and are supporting each other.”, as a relationship with Vic brings Gwen to reconsider her understanding of the world. Gwen’s transformation is also seen in her response to the play as she leads the applause “thunderously”, a physical reaction that is indicative of her psychological transformation.
Thus, it is Coral’s relationship with Tom and Gwen’s with Vic that allow them to come to terms with loss and reinterpret the world.
Similarly, Jasper Jones progresses from isolation to emancipation through his relationship with Charlie Bucktin, who overcomes societal prejudice in order to empower Jasper and encourage him to reconsider his situation. Despite Corrigan seeing Jasper as “half an animal with half a vote” due to his status as a half caste, Charlie walks “side by side” with Jasper, as an “ally”. His juxtaposition highlights differences as Charlie was “about to crawl into my safe nest, while Jasper Jones shoulders his burden alone”. However, Charlie’s understanding reconnects Jasper to society, despite feeling alone following the mysterious loss of his girlfriend. Charlie alludes to this in wondering “if he really needs me to solve this, or if he just needs the company.” This relationship largely empowers Jasper to investigate the death of his girlfriend, unexpectedly finding not only his grandfather, but the truth behind his mother’s death amidst lies “planted by his father and fertilized by the town”. These metaphorical weeds had stifled Jasper’s perceived self-worth, however his relationship with Charlie provides the catalyst for a new way of thinking. Being reconnected with the community, Jasper is empowered to leave Corrigan, despite losing the person “he was going to escape with”. It is Jasper’s relationship with Charlie that leads him toward this discovery of self, coming to terms with loss in order to leave Corrigan and achieve a new perspective.
In conclusion, both Michael Gow’s Away and Craig Silvey’s Jasper Jones see the implications of loss as characters overcome a disconnect from reality with new relationships. This is seen as Coral overcomes mental illness through Tom, Gwen returns from unwavering bitterness through a relationship with Vic, and Jasper Jones is liberated from isolation through his relationship with Charlie Bucktin. It is these relationships that promote the sharing of new ideologies and encourage characters to achieve a more satisfying understanding of the world.
Post by: katie,rinos on July 20, 2017, 06:37:12 pm
I did an essay for discovery based on the AOS paper that Atar notes put up. Would you please be able to read through it and give me some feedback? What mark do you think that this essay should get? I know at the moment it is way too long but my teacher said that we needed to have the processes for discovery for each text (Persona's situation at beginning, catalyst, process, discovery and impact). Do you have any ways that I can get the word count down because there is no way that I can write this many word in 40min and I don't think that i'm rambling too much. Also, should I be trying to write integrated essays (In Emily's lecture she said that they were the better way to write an essay)? If so, how can I turn this essay into an integrated one.
Thanks so much,
Katie
Spoiler
Different discoveries may have similarities, but the ramifications will always vary.
To what extent is this statement true in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
To a great extent, similar discoveries will have varied impacts due to the unique experiences/mindset of an individual. This is conveyed through the poetry of Robert Frost. Stopping by the woods on a Snowy Evening, explores the importance of human relationships, man’s interaction with nature and the use of solitude to reflect on life. The persona’s discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that are emotional, and spiritual as he discovers new ideas about himself and the world around him. The novel, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, portrays a young girl, Liesel, discovering the power of words during World War 2. Throughout this novel, Liesel’s discovery is both emotionally and intellectually challenging as she explores new perspectives on the world around her. Mending Wall, explores a man’s discovery that his neighbour is unwilling to change because he is steadfast in his traditions and beliefs. The persona realises that discoveries can be made through shared experiences and that discoveries can shift our perspectives on the world around us. The discoveries have many similarities, but have different outcomes and consequences due to the personal experiences of the persona’s.
Throughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening the persona discovers the importance of human relationships, man’s interaction with nature and the use of solitude to reflect on life. The persona’s discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that are emotional, and spiritual as he discovers new perspectives of the world around him. The poem, uses the form of a dramatic monologue, in order to portray a man on a journey within the woods. The man stops in awe of the beauty of the nature around him. However, throughout his pause, there is a sense of danger conveyed through the thickening snowfall, darkening sky and sense of isolation. This is further conveyed through the alliteration of, ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’. This alliteration echoes the soft sound of the gentle wind and fluffy snowflakes falling. The metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’, conveys an image of death as the snow could cover the traveller and his horse if they stay in one spot for too long. The horse senses danger and ‘he gives his harness bells a shake’, creating a contrast between the dreamlike nature of the prior two stanzas. The quote garners the audience's attention to the danger that is lingering in the scene and a need to move on. However, the man is still caught in a peaceful state oblivious to the danger around him.
The persona discovers that he prefers quiet reflection and solitude over being with a large number of people. The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and by himself as therefore he is able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life. He also discovers that he has many different responsibilities in life such as interactions between people. His use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the phrase ‘I have promises to keep’. The man realises that although he finds the woods very inviting and peaceful, he cannot stay there as there are responsibilities that he needs to take care of. This sudden change has been brought about by the persona’s mindset, which impacts his reaction to the discovery. Therefore, the poem shows that discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional and spiritual ways as it broadens the persona’s perspective of the world around him.
Similarly, the novel The Book Thief by Markus Zusak conveys the notion that discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional and intellectual ways and can lead to further discoveries. Throughout the novel, Liesel learns to read and realises the potential harm of words. She is infuriated by Hitler’s abuse of the power of words and the pain that can come out of it. She discovers that word can be used in harmful circumstances, when Hitler dehumanises and denigrates the Communists and Jews. In Stopping by woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona’s discovery has emotional and spiritual impacts. He discovers that he prefers solitude and quiet reflection then being with a large amount of people. This notion is different between both texts because although they both are meaningful and fresh, they encompass differing impacts.
In the novel, The Book Thief, Liesel discovers that words can be intensely meaningful through both emotional and intellectual ways and that discoveries can shift our perspectives of the world. The novel is set in Germany during World war two, and is narrated by the extremely overworked character of death. Liesel steals her first book from the edge of her brother’s grave. This experience was “1. The last time she saw her brother. 2. The last time she saw her mother". The listing of this quote conveys the significance of this book to Liesel. As her mother cannot take care of her due to the war she is given to foster parents. After her regular nightmares, her papa would start to teach her how to read. She explains that, “it was not so much the school that helped me to read. It was Papa.” Through this experience, she became closer to her Papa, learning to love words and desiring to be able to read more books.
During Liesel's time in the Hitler Youth, she took part in a book burning. This practise was used to cleanse Germany of all undesirable books, namely those that didn’t promote the Nazi regime. Liesel felt conflicted at the time, over both hatred and curiosity. This is further emphasised through the reflective quote, “Something inside her told her this was a crime - after all, her three books were the most precious items she owned - she was compelled to see the thing lit.” This event conveyed the enormous power the Nazi’s had over the books they believed were unacceptable. They were perceived to be powerful, as they contained ideas that the Nazi’s feared and didn’t want the population to read. The simile and visual imagery of the line, “Flames and burning books were cheered like heroes”, expressed how the audience was both enthralled and captivated by the burning books. Liesel soon begins to despise the way words have been used by Hitler to target groups such as the Communists and Jews. Her extreme hurt through the exclamation of "I hate the Führer. […] I hate him", further explores her discovery of Hitler’s misuse of words to create a xenophobia of outsiders and groups that he didn’t approve of. It also conveys Liesel’s change in perspective of the government and rejection of the Nazi party's ideals. The last line of Liesel’s book, ’I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right”, conveys that she has grasped the power of words. She wishes to use words for compassionate reasons rather than those that could cause harm as she is drawn to their power to heal and form friendships. Therefore, throughout the novel, Liesel’s discoveries are emotionally and intellectually meaningful as they allow her to form new perspectives on the world around her. The ramifications of her discoveries are very different to those portrayed throughout Frost’s poetry due to the persona’s unique experiences.
Throughout Frost’s poem, Mending Wall the persona makes new discoveries that are emotionally and spiritual meaning and impact his perspective of the world around him. The poem is set in the farming lifestyle of New England. The persona and his neighbour meet each year at Spring to mend the wall between their properties. This has been a longstanding tradition, since frost destroys the wall each winter. The phrase ‘something that doesn’t love a wall ….. frozen ground swells under it’ conveys the damage that the frost makes to the wall. Their is a pun on Frost’s name suggesting that he doesn’t like walls and wishes to tear them down. Walls are also used in the poem as a metaphor to portray barriers between or in people as seen through the neighbour’s unquestionable response of, ‘Good fences make good neighbours’.
Each Spring, the men come together to mend the wall. The irony created through the phrase ‘we meet to walk the line/and set the wall between us once again’, shows that the men have come together in order to stay apart. The protagonist believes that there is no need for a wall explaining their actions as ‘just another kind of outdoor game.’ This metaphor conveys the futility of their work because the wall is destroyed each year. Throughout this process, the persona discovers that the neighbour resists and is unwilling to change. The neighbour believes that the wall is an essential part of life. However, the writer describes his neighbour ‘like an old-stone savage armed’. This simile portrays how the man is set in the past and upholds his traditions. He is armed to protect his traditions that he wishes to keep. The neighbour’s unwillingness to change is also seen throughout the line ‘he will not go behind his father’s saying’. This metaphor conveys that the neighbour will not question his father’s beliefs or develop any new ideas. Through this discovery, the character learns that he has the opposite perspective to the neighbour and thus discovers and embrace new ideas. He learns that he is more willing to change and is opposed to walls/barriers in life. Hence, in the poem discoveries are emotional and spiritual as the persona finds new perspectives on himself and the world around him.
To a great extent, discovers may share similar aspects but will have varied impacts due to the persona’s unique mindset and experiences. This is skillfully portrayed throughout the poetry of Robert Frost. His poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, conveys a man’s journey through the woods and the peace he finds within it. His discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional, and spiritual ways as he discovers new ideas about himself and the world around him. The novel, The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak, is narrated by the character of death and shows Liesel, discovering the power of words during World War Two. Her discoveries were intensely meaningful through intellectual and emotional ways and her discoveries shifted her perspectives on the world around her.The poem, Mending Wall explores a man’s discovery that his neighbour is unwilling to change and is steadfast in his beliefs. He discovers that he is more willing to change and is opposed to barriers in life. The persona makes new discoveries by engaging in shared experiences which then impacted his perspective on the world around him. It is evident that although discoveries will have many shared features, they will have differing ramifications due to the persona’s unique mindset and experiences.
Post by: pikachu975 on July 20, 2017, 09:07:09 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 21, 2017, 01:30:46 am
hey hey hey!
here's my area of study essay, feedback would be SO appreciated.
thanks for all your dedication team xoxoxo
Hey Savannah! Thanks for posting your essay. So sorry for not letting you know earlier, but you require 25 posts on ATAR Notes to qualify for feedback on an essay. The marking threads are really busy right now and this is just our way of prioritising :)
is this a proper a discovery essay for my trials ?
Ditto for you Vanessa, you'll need 25 posts to get feedback on this ;D sorry for the inconvenience guys!
Hey guys,
I did an essay for discovery based on the AOS paper that Atar notes put up. Would you please be able to read through it and give me some feedback? What mark do you think that this essay should get? I know at the moment it is way too long but my teacher said that we needed to have the processes for discovery for each text (Persona's situation at beginning, catalyst, process, discovery and impact). Do you have any ways that I can get the word count down because there is no way that I can write this many word in 40min and I don't think that i'm rambling too much. Also, should I be trying to write integrated essays (In Emily's lecture she said that they were the better way to write an essay)? If so, how can I turn this essay into an integrated one.
Thanks so much,
Katie
We'll get this feedback ASAP Katie ;D
Hey, just wondering how many essay markings do I have available and how many spare posts I've got?
According to my spreadsheet, right now you've got enough posts for two more essays marked - From there you'd need to hit 120 for your next one, and so on ;D
Post by: NathanLee on July 22, 2017, 05:10:07 pm
Spoiler
Creative Writing
Ryan shuffled the cards, dealing five to each player and thought how good life was - cards, friends, a bottle of beer. What more could anyone want? They knew that next week would be different but it too would have its benefits. They would have the chance to show their bravery, their dedication to the American way.
A soldier at the corner turned around, stared towards them with his cuts and one eye and spoke in a tense voice. “Mate. you don’t know what you are up against....” ******************************************************************************
They dragged the soldier’s hair, pulled him towards the chair in a darkened room and threw him like a hanging rag doll.
“Doi la con jet me (Where is the bastard)? ”
The soldier shook his head.
“I don’t understand”, he mumbled only to be smacked by the butt of the gun while he tasted his salty blood. A loud crack of guns reverberated outside like the sound of rubber bands slapping the landscape into submission. The soldier’s body dropped as the guns smashed their way towards them. A Vietnamese man attempted to find the exit as fast as possible but was consumed by the rain of bullets. Ryan and his comrades lay onto the floor, unease as they watched the bullets flew as if it travelled 100km/second. Ryan looked over his shoulder to see nearly 42 of his comrades sleeping lifelessly. Ryan turned away and continued to put his head close to the ground as if nothing happened. He waited until the thunder stopped but it took really long. He blinked back at the swarm of darkness and thunderstorms flickering and dancing in his mind. Ryan stood up to feel the icy cold wind slicing through his fingertips. The area that he sat on was mud and water, dripping from his back, dirtying his mind as he manifests the great times he had with his comrades. This was the enemy's base. A soldier stood in front of him, saluted, called himself ‘Simon’ and explained the assassination of the Vietnamese general was a success granting their rage.
“Sergeant Ryan, are you alright?”. Ryan looked around, picked up a torch that illuminated the sky and told everyone to get ready for American supremacy. They were going to win this war. They searched every house to see if anyone was there, confirmed through their walkie talkies and travelled nearly 10km away from sight by aeroplane.
“Do it” Ryan spoke loudly.
They waited.
Later, airplanes circles around the area like animals on a circus carousel morphed into a dangerous threat . A high pitched noise dropped as light flashed before their eyes, spitting fire everywhere and sticky substances stuck onto everything. Mad sensations crawled behind his back as he witnessed the wide radius of the explosion, screaming of children, running as their clothes ripped by the explosion and the sickening cries from everywhere. Ryan, shocked on the horrific screams being heard from the sandy beach, quickly drew his binoculars.
What was that?
Everything went into slow motion as he peered over a dark figure that seemed to be one of his comrades along with some kids writhed towards the sandy beach. Ryan unconsciously stepped forward as if they were so close to him yet so far until large hands gripped onto his shoulder, but was flung away easily.
“What the hell are you doing! If you drop from here you will die!”
As he fell towards the resentful waves as they attacked each other, he thought to himself “What is the point of war...” **************************************************************************************************************** It has been nearly 3 years since the incident. Amateur soldiers came springing towards their bunks as if it was their first time sleeping over. They peered towards the old soldier with battle scars and bruises everywhere on his face. “Good afternoon sir! We are delighted to work with you today, it’s going to be a blast.” They said as they tackled and bashed each other up. The old-looking soldier turned around, stared towards them and spoke in a sorrowful but confident voice. “Mate... you don’t know what you are up against”
Discuss Wilfred Owen’s perspective of war as represented in Dulce et Decorum Est and at least one other poem you have studied in your course.
Wilfred Owen’s poetry addresses the harsh reality of loss in war. Owen reveals how the death of the soldiers are meaningless and can ultimately result in the loss of potential future generations as the cycle of war continues. Through his poetry, ‘Dulce Et Decorum Est’ and ‘Anthem for Doomed Youth‘, he conveys the idea that through the loss of individual life exposes the meaningless of war. Dulce Et Decorum Est reiterates Owen’s painful and horrid perspective of war as he witnesses the death of his comrades in World War I. Similarly with ‘Anthem for Doomed Youth’, he uses aural imagery in order to highlight the images of the soldiers dying and suffering from war which thereby portrays Owen’s perspective that the suffering from the soldiers are unbearing and terrifying to watch through his experiences.
The poem ‘Dulce Et Decorum Est’ is how Owen portrays loss of individuality in war in the literal sense, describing the horrific dying experiences of soldiers through his experiences. He creates a powerful and terrifying warning to the audience by revealing the gruesome realities of war, as shown as the soldiers become ‘Knock-kneed coughing like hags‘. Owen’s use of simile to suggest that the soldiers are miserably coughing like old women, demonstrating the physical decrepitude of young soldiers, made prematurely old through fatigue and wounds. Owen indicates to the audience that these soldiers should earn our pity as they begin to lose their youthful attributes. This clearly demonstrates Owen’s negative perspective on war and how the death of the soldiers become redundant as they become manifested to tools of war. This is further demonstrated through the metaphor used to suggest that the soldiers are being dehumanised from their human attributes as they enter into war, as the soldiers become ‘...deaf to even to the hoots‘ as they run away from the dangers behind them. Owen’s experiences of war clearly emphasises the degradation of soldiers as they become more valued pragmatically for their utilitarian function as weapons and thus challenges the way young audiences perceive soldiers as heroes of war. Owen effectively emphasises the loss of potential from young people as they experience the mentally and physically tolls on themselves. ar.
The poem ‘Dulce Et Decorum Est” further emphasises the pain and suffering as they lose their lives in war. He warns the audience the conflicting situations related to the terrifying experiences of war can impact an individual both physically and mentally. The use of diction of the verb ‘flung’ as he describes the death of his comrade just ‘behind the wagon that we flung him in” suggests that his comrades are uncared for after they die in the battlefield which ultimately signifies that they are no longer heroes. Owen therefore, emphasises his traumatic distress through the loss of his comrades which negatively affects him physically and mentally as a result of war. He also show that there is no time for compassion in the battlefield and thus the war should not be glorified which he fundamentally reshapes the audiences past attitudes. Owen thoroughly describes this by reiterating his past experiences of witnessing his comrades “white eyes writhing on his face”. Owen uses alliteration to create a horrific imagery of his fallen comrade intensifies the situation which scares him. Owen, therefore, effectively describes how war can easily destroy individuals that are filled with life and are pointlessly wasted on war. ue.
Similarly with the poem “Anthem for meaning --> ironicDoomed Youth”, Owen further describes the illogical realities of war due to the loss of life. Owen becomes infuriated at the loss of life as war dooms youth and there is no sense of acknowledgement. This is seen through the uses of rhetorical questioning of “What passing bells for these who died as cattle?”. The use of the rhetorical questioning along with the metaphor of the cattle and soldiers reiterating how worthless and useless they become. The metaphor of the cattle also indicates to the audience that soldiers are being born and raised overtime to fight the meaningless war, becoming more dehumanised. This, therefore, shows the true nature of war and how it is useless as well as brutal with very little purpose which continues to doom youth. This is also represented through the personification of the “monstrous anger of the guns”. Where he suggests that the sound of the guns are represented as monstrous people that is only heard as the ‘celebration’ of the death of the youth. He signifies that war essentially disregards the presence of humanity in order for victory to be achieved. As a result, Owen successfully warns the audience the futility of war as it continues to ignore the soldiers presence through an undignifying treatment, which thereby, challenges past stereotypes of soldiers being considered as heroes.
Furthermore, Owen uses ‘Anthem for Doomed Youth’ to invoke a sense of empathy for those who died in war as they are continuously being dehumanised to weapons of war, losing their individuality. Owen emphasises the fact that war has dehumanised individuals as they continue to suffer for their country. Owen effectively creates an oral imagery through “the shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells” in war. The use of onomatopoeia of the ‘shrills’ and ‘wailing’ recreates the sound of the sickening battlefield which further dominates the soldiers existence. The shells mimic the crying of soldiers which signifies their pain and suffering that they experiencing in war. Owen selectively chooses the sounds of bombs in order to show that there is a strong sense of dehumanisation as they are fighting as weapons of war. This is also expressed through the expressions of ‘no prayers nor bells’ that is used for the soldiers that died in war. Owen comments on the absence of prayers and bells which suggests that there is no recognition for those who died for their country and how individuals do not thank those who died for their country in a humane way. Owen therefore argues that the futility of war reflects the way soldiers are treated after they have passed, hence individuals should empathise those who died for their country.
Owen’s poems, Anthem for Doomed Youth and Dulce Et Decorum Est both demonstrate the dehumanisation of individuals in war to an extent where soldiers are treated as weapons in war. He does this by emphasising the true nature of war and how the audience should sympathise and recognise those who died to protect their country from his experiences of war.
Distinctive voices offer a variety of perspectives on the world.
Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing. The prescribed texts are listed on the next page.
Unique voices of individuals can challenge the audience a different understanding and perspective of societal stereotypes through their feelings and predicaments. Individual experience and change in voice are able to reflect their actions and thus form a different perspective of themselves and others. The musical film ‘One Night the Moon’ directed by Rachel Perkins and the short story ‘Stick and stones and such like’ by Sanil Bandami both clearly contrast the ways perspectives are challenged which leads to a new understanding of individual experience. Perkins represents stereotypical western and aboriginal characters and how their voices change due to the confrontation of tense and divisive situations through the outback landscape. Bandami, similarly, reiterates the lifestyle of indians whose unique controversies with white society, ultimately changes his confidence with himself and those around him.
In One night... , Perkins demonstrates how individuals can challenge social norms and create change through individual actions, causing the reconsideration of stereotypes. Rose initially depicts typical racist attitudes due to her European upbringing. Previously in the film, the non-diegetic sound through the clash of the didgeridoo and the build up of the Irish folk music as Rose confronts Albert in Emily’s bedroom, shows her racist prejudice and attitude towards him. She unconsciously tells Albert to “get out” as she points towards the door to create a white settler voice of ignorance and fear towards Aboriginals through her gendered voice. The build up of the didgeridoo places more importance of Albert’s presence and voice as it dominates the scene, but tempo slows down with the close up shot of Rose. This close up of Rose’s reaction first of fear and disgust of his presence, realises the importance of his appearance. Perkin’s message to the audience is that individuals should challenge stereotypical norms in order to provide a better understanding of others. Through Rose’s experiences of her missing daughter, ultimately alter her ways of thinking by provoking a reconsideration of the need for Aboriginal support and this changes her way of speaking to them. This is demonstrated through her duet with Albert “unfinished business”. The repetition of the word ‘Unfinished Business, you and me’ creates an emphasis that they both need to fulfill their roles in society and find the child. The gentle and calm tone as Rose and Albert comes together creates a beautiful scene of Rose acknowledging Albert’s ancient knowledge of the land, and Albert fulfilling his duties as an Aboriginal creating a sense of reconciliation and recognition. This helps creates Perkin’s emotional appeal to inspire the audience that change, through experience, forces a change in perspective which overcomes racial prejudice and thus acknowledge each other as an equal.
Additionally, Perkin shapes the dominant groups from western culture as well as the recessive groups such as Albert’s oppressed voice blurs and strengthen the traditional views of racism and convey a process of change due to life-alerting experiences. Perkin’s attempts to encompass the issue of the Stolen Generation onto white settlers as a way for the audience to sympathise the Indigenous’ experiences of pain and suffering. Jim realising that Albert attempts to help find his daughter says “no blacks on my land” as the close up of his face reflects his dominance and racist views on Aboriginals. The follow up of the non-diegetic sound that builds up with Irish folk music establishes the conflict between them, resulting Jim to bump into Albert through the stage direction. Through his dominant attitude, his racial prejudice and demand for authority reflects the stereotypical white settlers. Perkins uses Jim as a way to reflect the racial prejudice and stereotypical attitude towards Indigenous people during the 20th century. As Albert finds Jim’s daughter dead, he feels that he does not ‘’know anything, anymore” while he carries a loaded gun into a child’s empty bedroom. This long shot of him walking out the front gate captures his loneliness and the void he has now that he does not have a family, a role or any voice. This change of voice becomes emotional through the depressed voice-over and slow guitar music emphasising his despair. He eventually commits suicide due to his failure to acknowledge his mistakes or reconcile with his wife. Through the black and white canvas of the stereotypical views on the Subject and Other is now blurred in order to show individuals that change, growth and experience can occur to change perspectives.
The short story ‘Sticks and Stones and such like’ similarly discusses the voices of dominant groups in western society that devalues alternate cultures. The authoritative attitudes towards other cultures, negatively impacts on the identity of an individual and their views on their culture. The indian character ‘Sunil’ is a victim of this racial discrimination. The use of name calling “...wash your back off you stupid black idiot!” from the authoritative group demonstrates their ignorance towards other cultures, which ultimately reflects on their identity. Bandami emphasises that through the authoritative voices of dominant groups, it can significantly downgrade individuals and the audience sympathise those who view themselves as ‘pathetic’ as a result. Bandami emphasises the way stereotypical cultures ignore the cultural significance through the use of alliteration as dominant groups describe Indians as ‘dirty black bastards”. The constant use of ‘dirty black bastard’ in their society creates a rhythm which is widely used and thus influence individuals to say it. Bandami strongly suggests that the notion of cultures that repetitively downgrade people in today’s society are meaningless. This demonstrates that those who dominate certain groups can ignorantly limit their views of the world and will only damage those around them which is considered meaningless.
‘Sticks and stones...’ further demonstrates the shift from oppressed voices into confidence which consequently allows them to connect with their cultural heritage due to their maturity. Sunil becomes too depressed and embarrassed at his own name that they lose their connection with their culture and personal spirituality. This is seen as Sunil’s constant repetition of the rhetorical questioning “If I couldn’t be less black, surely I could get a name that makes me less black?” further demonstrates his hopelessness and lack of confidence of his own identity and thus reflects on his culture negatively. It also emphasises that victims of racial discriminations will further neglect themselves from society and becomes oppressed both mentally and physically. Badami reflects this notion of cultures affect the individual and should be challenged in today’s society and sympathise those who are already victims. This creates an emotional appeal to inspire the audience to challenge racial discrimination and sympathise to those victims that are downgraded, which shows the only a negative perspective in their world. Although through discrimination, it sheds light to those who experience negativity and accept them positively. This is shown through the accumulation as he hears his name “Sunil” and understands the powerful and uniqueness of it. The way he identifies the meanings of his name through his accumulation “Mount everest, ice cave, Shira’s birthday, and the Ganges and all that?” indicates that he has overpowered the stereotypical perspectives on Indians and changed his oppressed voice into one of confidence and positivity. Sunil also views his culture in a positive light as he realises the possible meanings of his name. Badami influences the audience that individuals should confidently and positively enhance their unique names as it radiates their own character and personality. This, therefore, creates a strong understanding that those who confidently accepts their identity and culture will ultimately views themselves in a bigger perspective on themselves and challenge perspectives of others.
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Social context can shape our interactions and perceptions of ourselves and others How is this represented in your prescribed text and ONE text of your own choosing
The social context in which individuals live in influences the way they interact and perceive ourselves and others. Through their communications, individuals are able to reaffirm their perception and interactions within their social context. M.T. Anderson’s novel ‘Feed’ depicts a dystopian society and views a satirical futuristic society based on advertisement and consumerism culture. Similarly with the text Margin by Error by Nancy Kress focuses on the technological society where status dominates over familial relationships.
M.T. Anderson’s dystopian novel, ‘Feed,‘ clearly emphasises how a digital context can shape an individual behaviour and understanding of themselves and place in society. He represents his concern over his “teenager” culture, namely that he was “connected all the time through devices of one kind or another“, and uses this personal experience to condemn socio cultural trends which limit the individual’s connection with others. The social context of the Feed is brainwashing the younger generation to think and act in a particular way, consequently pushes them to be positive. The structural italics of the Feedchat, “...we are a new people. It is not the age of oneiric culture, the culture of dreams.” brainwashes the citizens about the current social context of America, ironically suggesting they are living in a utopian world where there is a crisis. The constant positive comments about America pressures all citizens to think in a particular way which indicates that they are too caught up in the digital world not realising the negative events happening around them such as the bombing in America. This manifests the individual's behaviour to think and act in an unrealistic way. M.T. Anderson criticises the media that ‘insulates us from understanding the world’ meaning they are living in a republic where it is controlled by the government. This social influence of dependently using technology consequently, shapes poor knowledge of themselves and those around them. This is evident in the irony as Titus thinks about how “it’s great to know everything about everything, whenever we want, to have it just like, in our brain, just sitting there.” He claims that people possessing a feed ‘know everything‘ when in actuality, it is the feed that tells us what to do and say. They as a result are passive, described AS ‘just sitting there’. Anderson is therefore making the comment that teenagers are becoming too overwhelmed by technology and less aware of themselves and others. Furthermore, this is also demonstrated that in a technological context individuals are lacking maturity. The constant use of explicit language of “Titus! Did you fuckin‘ see that?” shows that the conversation with Titus and his friends lack literacy which as a result lack communication. The only words that they use is only explicit language which shows how a technological social context has changed/shaped the way he communicates and interacts with others. M.T. Anderson therefore suggests that in a digital context, individuals are over the influence of technology which limits the individual's connection with others which consequently shape their behaviour and understanding of themselves and society.
Similarly with the short story ‘Margin by Error’ by Nancy Kress, she strongly emphasises to the audience that a digital society can shape an individual's interactions and perception of themselves and others drastically focussing on a familial relationship. This is seen in the relationship between two siblings who have different values and social status as one chooses family and “diapers” and children in a context that values technological advancement while the other is a recognised scientist who is Metaphorically described as Paula “...came back in a blaze of glory”. Paula’s wants and desire for accolades shapes her egocentric perception and immoral actions. This is evident when Paula amends for her actions for stealing Karen’s project through the metaphor “For the sake of the project, I have to be the project”. The way she identifies herself as an project shows that the technological system has influenced individuals to desire for social status which causes immoral actions. This shows that technological system has caused individuals to shape their perception on themselves and others by influencing individuals that social status is important. Technological society additionally shapes an individual's behaviour to believe they are superior when exposed as a scientist. This is highlighted when Paula “strutted like a soldier after winning a war”. This simile of her strutting like a warrior indicates that she is confident on her ability and social status in comparison with Karen. This indicates to the audience that in a technological system, individuals are arrogant in their social status which shapes their understanding and perception of themselves and others. Moreover, technological contexts can also lose and shift an individual’s behaviour and perception of themselves and others when over reliant on technology. T his is also demonstrated through the allusion of Karen. “When you boiled the two frogs slowly and they died... Sometimes a frog jumps out.” The symbolism of the frog jumping out of the water symbolises Karen omitting herself from the digital society in order to value familial relationships. It also shows that Paula is the frogs that die in the water bath indicating that those who value technology more than family will soon regret and face the consequences. This shows that the technological world has affected the way individuals interact and perceive themselves and others through the dominance of technology over familial relationships.
Ryan shuffled the cards, dealing five to each player and thought how good life was - cards, friends, a bottle of beer. What more could anyone want? They knew that next week would be different but it too would have its benefits. They would have the chance to show their bravery, their dedication to the American way.
A soldier at the corner turned around, stared towards them with his cuts and one eye and spoke in a tense voice. “Mate. you don’t know what you are up against....” ******************************************************************************
They dragged the soldier’s hair, pulled him towards the chair in a darkened room and threw him like a hanging rag doll.
“Doi la con jet me (Where is the bastard)? ”
The soldier shook his head.
“I don’t understand”, he mumbled only to be smacked by the butt of the gun while he tasted his salty blood. A loud crack of guns reverberated outside like the sound of rubber bands slapping the landscape into submission. The soldier’s body dropped as the guns smashed their way towards them. A Vietnamese man attempted to find the exit as fast as possible but was consumed by the rain of bullets. Ryan and his comrades lay onto the floor, unease as they watched the bullets flew as if it travelled 100km/second. Ryan looked over his shoulder to see nearly 42 of his comrades sleeping lifelessly. Ryan turned away and continued to put his head close to the ground as if nothing happened. He waited until the thunder stopped but it took really long. He blinked back at the swarm of darkness and thunderstorms flickering and dancing in his mind. Ryan stood up to feel the icy cold wind slicing through his fingertips. The area that he sat on was mud and water, dripping from his back, dirtying his mind as he manifests the great times he had with his comrades. This was the enemy's base. A soldier stood in front of him, saluted, called himself ‘Simon’ and explained the assassination of the Vietnamese general was a success granting their rage.
“Sergeant Ryan, are you alright?”. Ryan looked around, picked up a torch that illuminated the sky and told everyone to get ready for American supremacy. They were going to win this war. They searched every house to see if anyone was there, confirmed through their walkie talkies and travelled nearly 10km away from sight by aeroplane.
“Do it” Ryan spoke loudly.
They waited.
Later, airplanes circles around the area like animals on a circus carousel morphed into a dangerous threat . A high pitched noise dropped as light flashed before their eyes, spitting fire everywhere and sticky substances stuck onto everything. Mad sensations crawled behind his back as he witnessed the wide radius of the explosion, screaming of children, running as their clothes ripped by the explosion and the sickening cries from everywhere. Ryan, shocked on the horrific screams being heard from the sandy beach, quickly drew his binoculars.
What was that?
Everything went into slow motion as he peered over a dark figure that seemed to be one of his comrades along with some kids writhed towards the sandy beach. Ryan unconsciously stepped forward as if they were so close to him yet so far until large hands gripped onto his shoulder, but was flung away easily.
“What the hell are you doing! If you drop from here you will die!”
As he fell towards the resentful waves as they attacked each other, he thought to himself “What is the point of war...” **************************************************************************************************************** It has been nearly 3 years since the incident. Amateur soldiers came springing towards their bunks as if it was their first time sleeping over. They peered towards the old soldier with battle scars and bruises everywhere on his face. “Good afternoon sir! We are delighted to work with you today, it’s going to be a blast.” They said as they tackled and bashed each other up. The old-looking soldier turned around, stared towards them and spoke in a sorrowful but confident voice. “Mate... you don’t know what you are up against”
Discuss Wilfred Owen’s perspective of war as represented in Dulce et Decorum Est and at least one other poem you have studied in your course.
Wilfred Owen’s poetry addresses the harsh reality of loss in war. Owen reveals how the death of the soldiers are meaningless and can ultimately result in the loss of potential future generations as the cycle of war continues. Through his poetry, ‘Dulce Et Decorum Est’ and ‘Anthem for Doomed Youth‘, he conveys the idea that through the loss of individual life exposes the meaningless of war. Dulce Et Decorum Est reiterates Owen’s painful and horrid perspective of war as he witnesses the death of his comrades in World War I. Similarly with ‘Anthem for Doomed Youth’, he uses aural imagery in order to highlight the images of the soldiers dying and suffering from war which thereby portrays Owen’s perspective that the suffering from the soldiers are unbearing and terrifying to watch through his experiences.
The poem ‘Dulce Et Decorum Est’ is how Owen portrays loss of individuality in war in the literal sense, describing the horrific dying experiences of soldiers through his experiences. He creates a powerful and terrifying warning to the audience by revealing the gruesome realities of war, as shown as the soldiers become ‘Knock-kneed coughing like hags‘. Owen’s use of simile to suggest that the soldiers are miserably coughing like old women, demonstrating the physical decrepitude of young soldiers, made prematurely old through fatigue and wounds. Owen indicates to the audience that these soldiers should earn our pity as they begin to lose their youthful attributes. This clearly demonstrates Owen’s negative perspective on war and how the death of the soldiers become redundant as they become manifested to tools of war. This is further demonstrated through the metaphor used to suggest that the soldiers are being dehumanised from their human attributes as they enter into war, as the soldiers become ‘...deaf to even to the hoots‘ as they run away from the dangers behind them. Owen’s experiences of war clearly emphasises the degradation of soldiers as they become more valued pragmatically for their utilitarian function as weapons and thus challenges the way young audiences perceive soldiers as heroes of war. Owen effectively emphasises the loss of potential from young people as they experience the mentally and physically tolls on themselves. ar.
The poem ‘Dulce Et Decorum Est” further emphasises the pain and suffering as they lose their lives in war. He warns the audience the conflicting situations related to the terrifying experiences of war can impact an individual both physically and mentally. The use of diction of the verb ‘flung’ as he describes the death of his comrade just ‘behind the wagon that we flung him in” suggests that his comrades are uncared for after they die in the battlefield which ultimately signifies that they are no longer heroes. Owen therefore, emphasises his traumatic distress through the loss of his comrades which negatively affects him physically and mentally as a result of war. He also show that there is no time for compassion in the battlefield and thus the war should not be glorified which he fundamentally reshapes the audiences past attitudes. Owen thoroughly describes this by reiterating his past experiences of witnessing his comrades “white eyes writhing on his face”. Owen uses alliteration to create a horrific imagery of his fallen comrade intensifies the situation which scares him. Owen, therefore, effectively describes how war can easily destroy individuals that are filled with life and are pointlessly wasted on war. ue.
Similarly with the poem “Anthem for meaning --> ironicDoomed Youth”, Owen further describes the illogical realities of war due to the loss of life. Owen becomes infuriated at the loss of life as war dooms youth and there is no sense of acknowledgement. This is seen through the uses of rhetorical questioning of “What passing bells for these who died as cattle?”. The use of the rhetorical questioning along with the metaphor of the cattle and soldiers reiterating how worthless and useless they become. The metaphor of the cattle also indicates to the audience that soldiers are being born and raised overtime to fight the meaningless war, becoming more dehumanised. This, therefore, shows the true nature of war and how it is useless as well as brutal with very little purpose which continues to doom youth. This is also represented through the personification of the “monstrous anger of the guns”. Where he suggests that the sound of the guns are represented as monstrous people that is only heard as the ‘celebration’ of the death of the youth. He signifies that war essentially disregards the presence of humanity in order for victory to be achieved. As a result, Owen successfully warns the audience the futility of war as it continues to ignore the soldiers presence through an undignifying treatment, which thereby, challenges past stereotypes of soldiers being considered as heroes.
Furthermore, Owen uses ‘Anthem for Doomed Youth’ to invoke a sense of empathy for those who died in war as they are continuously being dehumanised to weapons of war, losing their individuality. Owen emphasises the fact that war has dehumanised individuals as they continue to suffer for their country. Owen effectively creates an oral imagery through “the shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells” in war. The use of onomatopoeia of the ‘shrills’ and ‘wailing’ recreates the sound of the sickening battlefield which further dominates the soldiers existence. The shells mimic the crying of soldiers which signifies their pain and suffering that they experiencing in war. Owen selectively chooses the sounds of bombs in order to show that there is a strong sense of dehumanisation as they are fighting as weapons of war. This is also expressed through the expressions of ‘no prayers nor bells’ that is used for the soldiers that died in war. Owen comments on the absence of prayers and bells which suggests that there is no recognition for those who died for their country and how individuals do not thank those who died for their country in a humane way. Owen therefore argues that the futility of war reflects the way soldiers are treated after they have passed, hence individuals should empathise those who died for their country.
Owen’s poems, Anthem for Doomed Youth and Dulce Et Decorum Est both demonstrate the dehumanisation of individuals in war to an extent where soldiers are treated as weapons in war. He does this by emphasising the true nature of war and how the audience should sympathise and recognise those who died to protect their country from his experiences of war.
Distinctive voices offer a variety of perspectives on the world.
Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing. The prescribed texts are listed on the next page.
Unique voices of individuals can challenge the audience a different understanding and perspective of societal stereotypes through their feelings and predicaments. Individual experience and change in voice are able to reflect their actions and thus form a different perspective of themselves and others. The musical film ‘One Night the Moon’ directed by Rachel Perkins and the short story ‘Stick and stones and such like’ by Sanil Bandami both clearly contrast the ways perspectives are challenged which leads to a new understanding of individual experience. Perkins represents stereotypical western and aboriginal characters and how their voices change due to the confrontation of tense and divisive situations through the outback landscape. Bandami, similarly, reiterates the lifestyle of indians whose unique controversies with white society, ultimately changes his confidence with himself and those around him.
In One night... , Perkins demonstrates how individuals can challenge social norms and create change through individual actions, causing the reconsideration of stereotypes. Rose initially depicts typical racist attitudes due to her European upbringing. Previously in the film, the non-diegetic sound through the clash of the didgeridoo and the build up of the Irish folk music as Rose confronts Albert in Emily’s bedroom, shows her racist prejudice and attitude towards him. She unconsciously tells Albert to “get out” as she points towards the door to create a white settler voice of ignorance and fear towards Aboriginals through her gendered voice. The build up of the didgeridoo places more importance of Albert’s presence and voice as it dominates the scene, but tempo slows down with the close up shot of Rose. This close up of Rose’s reaction first of fear and disgust of his presence, realises the importance of his appearance. Perkin’s message to the audience is that individuals should challenge stereotypical norms in order to provide a better understanding of others. Through Rose’s experiences of her missing daughter, ultimately alter her ways of thinking by provoking a reconsideration of the need for Aboriginal support and this changes her way of speaking to them. This is demonstrated through her duet with Albert “unfinished business”. The repetition of the word ‘Unfinished Business, you and me’ creates an emphasis that they both need to fulfill their roles in society and find the child. The gentle and calm tone as Rose and Albert comes together creates a beautiful scene of Rose acknowledging Albert’s ancient knowledge of the land, and Albert fulfilling his duties as an Aboriginal creating a sense of reconciliation and recognition. This helps creates Perkin’s emotional appeal to inspire the audience that change, through experience, forces a change in perspective which overcomes racial prejudice and thus acknowledge each other as an equal.
Additionally, Perkin shapes the dominant groups from western culture as well as the recessive groups such as Albert’s oppressed voice blurs and strengthen the traditional views of racism and convey a process of change due to life-alerting experiences. Perkin’s attempts to encompass the issue of the Stolen Generation onto white settlers as a way for the audience to sympathise the Indigenous’ experiences of pain and suffering. Jim realising that Albert attempts to help find his daughter says “no blacks on my land” as the close up of his face reflects his dominance and racist views on Aboriginals. The follow up of the non-diegetic sound that builds up with Irish folk music establishes the conflict between them, resulting Jim to bump into Albert through the stage direction. Through his dominant attitude, his racial prejudice and demand for authority reflects the stereotypical white settlers. Perkins uses Jim as a way to reflect the racial prejudice and stereotypical attitude towards Indigenous people during the 20th century. As Albert finds Jim’s daughter dead, he feels that he does not ‘’know anything, anymore” while he carries a loaded gun into a child’s empty bedroom. This long shot of him walking out the front gate captures his loneliness and the void he has now that he does not have a family, a role or any voice. This change of voice becomes emotional through the depressed voice-over and slow guitar music emphasising his despair. He eventually commits suicide due to his failure to acknowledge his mistakes or reconcile with his wife. Through the black and white canvas of the stereotypical views on the Subject and Other is now blurred in order to show individuals that change, growth and experience can occur to change perspectives.
The short story ‘Sticks and Stones and such like’ similarly discusses the voices of dominant groups in western society that devalues alternate cultures. The authoritative attitudes towards other cultures, negatively impacts on the identity of an individual and their views on their culture. The indian character ‘Sunil’ is a victim of this racial discrimination. The use of name calling “...wash your back off you stupid black idiot!” from the authoritative group demonstrates their ignorance towards other cultures, which ultimately reflects on their identity. Bandami emphasises that through the authoritative voices of dominant groups, it can significantly downgrade individuals and the audience sympathise those who view themselves as ‘pathetic’ as a result. Bandami emphasises the way stereotypical cultures ignore the cultural significance through the use of alliteration as dominant groups describe Indians as ‘dirty black bastards”. The constant use of ‘dirty black bastard’ in their society creates a rhythm which is widely used and thus influence individuals to say it. Bandami strongly suggests that the notion of cultures that repetitively downgrade people in today’s society are meaningless. This demonstrates that those who dominate certain groups can ignorantly limit their views of the world and will only damage those around them which is considered meaningless.
‘Sticks and stones...’ further demonstrates the shift from oppressed voices into confidence which consequently allows them to connect with their cultural heritage due to their maturity. Sunil becomes too depressed and embarrassed at his own name that they lose their connection with their culture and personal spirituality. This is seen as Sunil’s constant repetition of the rhetorical questioning “If I couldn’t be less black, surely I could get a name that makes me less black?” further demonstrates his hopelessness and lack of confidence of his own identity and thus reflects on his culture negatively. It also emphasises that victims of racial discriminations will further neglect themselves from society and becomes oppressed both mentally and physically. Badami reflects this notion of cultures affect the individual and should be challenged in today’s society and sympathise those who are already victims. This creates an emotional appeal to inspire the audience to challenge racial discrimination and sympathise to those victims that are downgraded, which shows the only a negative perspective in their world. Although through discrimination, it sheds light to those who experience negativity and accept them positively. This is shown through the accumulation as he hears his name “Sunil” and understands the powerful and uniqueness of it. The way he identifies the meanings of his name through his accumulation “Mount everest, ice cave, Shira’s birthday, and the Ganges and all that?” indicates that he has overpowered the stereotypical perspectives on Indians and changed his oppressed voice into one of confidence and positivity. Sunil also views his culture in a positive light as he realises the possible meanings of his name. Badami influences the audience that individuals should confidently and positively enhance their unique names as it radiates their own character and personality. This, therefore, creates a strong understanding that those who confidently accepts their identity and culture will ultimately views themselves in a bigger perspective on themselves and challenge perspectives of others.
Feed
Social context can shape our interactions and perceptions of ourselves and others How is this represented in your prescribed text and ONE text of your own choosing
The social context in which individuals live in influences the way they interact and perceive ourselves and others. Through their communications, individuals are able to reaffirm their perception and interactions within their social context. M.T. Anderson’s novel ‘Feed’ depicts a dystopian society and views a satirical futuristic society based on advertisement and consumerism culture. Similarly with the text Margin by Error by Nancy Kress focuses on the technological society where status dominates over familial relationships.
M.T. Anderson’s dystopian novel, ‘Feed,‘ clearly emphasises how a digital context can shape an individual behaviour and understanding of themselves and place in society. He represents his concern over his “teenager” culture, namely that he was “connected all the time through devices of one kind or another“, and uses this personal experience to condemn socio cultural trends which limit the individual’s connection with others. The social context of the Feed is brainwashing the younger generation to think and act in a particular way, consequently pushes them to be positive. The structural italics of the Feedchat, “...we are a new people. It is not the age of oneiric culture, the culture of dreams.” brainwashes the citizens about the current social context of America, ironically suggesting they are living in a utopian world where there is a crisis. The constant positive comments about America pressures all citizens to think in a particular way which indicates that they are too caught up in the digital world not realising the negative events happening around them such as the bombing in America. This manifests the individual's behaviour to think and act in an unrealistic way. M.T. Anderson criticises the media that ‘insulates us from understanding the world’ meaning they are living in a republic where it is controlled by the government. This social influence of dependently using technology consequently, shapes poor knowledge of themselves and those around them. This is evident in the irony as Titus thinks about how “it’s great to know everything about everything, whenever we want, to have it just like, in our brain, just sitting there.” He claims that people possessing a feed ‘know everything‘ when in actuality, it is the feed that tells us what to do and say. They as a result are passive, described AS ‘just sitting there’. Anderson is therefore making the comment that teenagers are becoming too overwhelmed by technology and less aware of themselves and others. Furthermore, this is also demonstrated that in a technological context individuals are lacking maturity. The constant use of explicit language of “Titus! Did you fuckin‘ see that?” shows that the conversation with Titus and his friends lack literacy which as a result lack communication. The only words that they use is only explicit language which shows how a technological social context has changed/shaped the way he communicates and interacts with others. M.T. Anderson therefore suggests that in a digital context, individuals are over the influence of technology which limits the individual's connection with others which consequently shape their behaviour and understanding of themselves and society.
Similarly with the short story ‘Margin by Error’ by Nancy Kress, she strongly emphasises to the audience that a digital society can shape an individual's interactions and perception of themselves and others drastically focussing on a familial relationship. This is seen in the relationship between two siblings who have different values and social status as one chooses family and “diapers” and children in a context that values technological advancement while the other is a recognised scientist who is Metaphorically described as Paula “...came back in a blaze of glory”. Paula’s wants and desire for accolades shapes her egocentric perception and immoral actions. This is evident when Paula amends for her actions for stealing Karen’s project through the metaphor “For the sake of the project, I have to be the project”. The way she identifies herself as an project shows that the technological system has influenced individuals to desire for social status which causes immoral actions. This shows that technological system has caused individuals to shape their perception on themselves and others by influencing individuals that social status is important. Technological society additionally shapes an individual's behaviour to believe they are superior when exposed as a scientist. This is highlighted when Paula “strutted like a soldier after winning a war”. This simile of her strutting like a warrior indicates that she is confident on her ability and social status in comparison with Karen. This indicates to the audience that in a technological system, individuals are arrogant in their social status which shapes their understanding and perception of themselves and others. Moreover, technological contexts can also lose and shift an individual’s behaviour and perception of themselves and others when over reliant on technology. T his is also demonstrated through the allusion of Karen. “When you boiled the two frogs slowly and they died... Sometimes a frog jumps out.” The symbolism of the frog jumping out of the water symbolises Karen omitting herself from the digital society in order to value familial relationships. It also shows that Paula is the frogs that die in the water bath indicating that those who value technology more than family will soon regret and face the consequences. This shows that the technological world has affected the way individuals interact and perceive themselves and others through the dominance of technology over familial relationships.
Thanks
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 22, 2017, 05:13:06 pm
Hi could you please read my essay and creative for paper 1 discovery. I believe that my teachers are not giving me the best feedback so could you please mark it for me and give me some feedback :)
Hey Nathan! Welcome to the forums! Thanks for posting your essay. As per our essay marking rules you'll need 25 posts on ATAR Notes for each piece of feedback you'd like from our markers. The marking threads are very busy right now and this is our way of prioritising ;D looking forward to seeing you around the site!
Post by: lilivincent on July 22, 2017, 05:36:01 pm
Spoiler
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, and Henley’s poem Invictus both feature a multi-faceted exploration of discovery’s various forms, with the uncovering of what is hidden and the reconsideration of what is known receiving particular emphasis. This is evident in Shakespeare’s representation of Prospero’s self-discovery, where he acknowledges values and qualities which were previously hidden from him, and the challenge he poses to Jacobean political and colonial ideologies, encouraging a reconsideration of societal values. Similarly, in Invictus Henley represents the process of self-discovery, where the invincibility of the human spirit is realised in light of a confrontation with human mortality.
In The Tempest, Prospero undergoes a process of self-reflection which eventuates in the recognition of qualities previously hidden from him. Prospero is initially characterised as bitter and vengeful, with the intention of foregrounding his subsequent transformation. Act one, scene one, explores the acute sense of betrayal and hatred he feels, even twelve years after being usurped as the Duke of Milan. Accusatory references to Antonio as “perfidious” and “thy false uncle” establish his scathing tone, which is then reinforced through graphic metaphor: “He was / The ivy which had hid my princely trunk, and sucked my verdure out on’t,” where violent imagery of strangulation and high-modality language convey a tone of anger and vengefulness. These negative character traits are further manifested in Prospero’s tyrannical nature, as evidenced when he refers to Caliban as “freckled whelp, hag-born / Not honoured with a human shape,” using bestial imagery to dehumanise him. This initial characterisation is then subverted in the final act where Prospero discovers an appreciation for common humanity, moving him to transform his value system. Where he previously valued revenge and antagonism, Prospero now discovers reason, mercy, and humility. The concept of “Nobler reason” utilises the elevating connotations of nobility to equate the exercising of reason with ideals of dignity. This concept is reinforced by the line “The rarer action is/ In virtue, than in vengeance,” which associates Prospero’s merciful actions with the ‘rarity’ of true dignity. In this way, Prospero is seen to reconsider his value system and uncover hidden qualities.
In conjunction with his representation of Prospero’s self-discovery, Shakespeare further encourages the reconsideration of value systems through the challenge he poses to Jacobean colonial ideologies. The reading of Caliban as the ‘noble savage’ inaugurated by French philosopher Montaigne, challenges the traditional European perception of native populations. Caliban is initially characterised as brutish – referred to as “Hag fish” and “Poor credulous monster,” – and assumed to be culturally and intellectually inferior in his use of “gabble,” thus he is positioned in binary opposition to Renaissance values. However, this initial characterisation is later subverted in Caliban’s poetic musings on the restorative power of the island, which align him with ideals of intellectualism and humanism: “Be not afeared; the isle is full of… sounds, and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.” Caliban further negates the construct whereby colonising powers viewed themselves as benevolent and liberating figures. Caliban’s statement “You taught me language; and my profit on’t / Is, I know how to curse,” directly subverts the elevating power of language, as a pillar of colonial ideology, in the juxtaposition of ‘enlightenment’ against the unenlightened use of obscenity. Caliban’s statement highlights the fundamental paradox of colonialism; in impressing their way of life upon native populations, colonisers did not ‘civilise’ or ‘enlighten,’ but rather encouraged ‘savage’ behaviour. In this way, Shakespeare initiates a process of discovery, where his audience are prompted to reconsider Jacobean colonial values.
In Invictus, Henley represents the realisation that self-discovery has occurred, exhibiting similarities to The Tempest in his depiction of the individual’s transformed sense of self as stimulated by discovery. At the age of 25, Henley’s leg was amputated after he contracted tuberculosis, prompting him to uncover human courage, strength, and resilience. The poem Invictus (translating to ‘unconquerable’) realises the invincibility of the human spirit when confronted by mortality. Henley’s illness as the trigger to his discovery is evoked in the form of hellish metaphor and imagery which establishes an atmosphere of darkness and bleakness: “Out of the night that covers me, / Black as the Pit from pole to pole.” Experiences of suffering and pain are further positioned as integral to the human condition, not ordained by any concept of meaning or purpose: “Under the bludgeonings of chance.” Henley then juxtaposes this evocative rendering of human suffering against statements of courage and resilience: “I thank whatever gods may be / For my unconquerable soul,” utilising a binary structure which positions the opposing concepts of despair and resilience side-by-side, in order to highlight the triumph of human agency over confrontation with suffering and mortality. In this way, Henley uncovers a previously hidden sense of existential clarity when confronted by death, recognising the courage and resilience imbued within the human spirit.
Henley further represents the ability of discovery to provoke reconsideration through the pervasive imagery of courage and strength which highlights his renewed perception of self. Repetition of the prefix ‘un’ within the poem (unbowed, unconquered, unafraid) positions Henley in opposition to his oppressive experiences of suffering, emphasising his status as a figure of agency and resilience. This concept is reinforced in the final, cumulative statement of the poem, “I am the master of my fate, / I am the captain of my soul,” which utilises anaphora to highlight the imperative simplicity of ‘I am.’ The use of genitive case in the possessive pronoun ‘my,’ and the nouns ‘master’ and ‘captain’ further place Henley in a position of power, celebrating the triumph of his human spirit despite the suffering inflicted upon him. In this way, the poem can be viewed as a celebration of the resilience, strength, and courage embedded within the human spirit which Henley recognises as a result of his confrontation with mortality.
Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Henley’s Invictus both involve the uncovering of what is hidden, and the reconsideration of what is known through their representation of characters who access qualities and values they previously did not acknowledge, and renew their perception of self. Additionally, The Tempest poses a challenge to Jacobean colonial ideologies, thereby encouraging audiences to reconsider societal paradigms and values. Thus, the multi-faceted and transformational power of discovery is recognised within both texts.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Shakespeare’s play The Tempest, and Henley’s poem Invictus both feature a multi-faceted exploration of discovery’s various forms, with the uncovering of what is hidden and the reconsideration of what is known receiving particular emphasis. This is evident in Shakespeare’s representation of Prospero’s self-discovery, where he acknowledges values and qualities which were previously hidden from him, and the challenge he poses to Jacobean political and colonial ideologies, encouraging a reconsideration of societal values. Similarly, in Invictus Henley represents the process of self-discovery, where the invincibility of the human spirit is realised in light of a confrontation with human mortality.
In The Tempest, Prospero undergoes a process of self-reflection which eventuates in the recognition of qualities previously hidden from him. Prospero is initially characterised as bitter and vengeful, with the intention of foregrounding his subsequent transformation. Act one, scene one, explores the acute sense of betrayal and hatred he feels, even twelve years after being usurped as the Duke of Milan. Accusatory references to Antonio as “perfidious” and “thy false uncle” establish his scathing tone, which is then reinforced through graphic metaphor: “He was / The ivy which had hid my princely trunk, and sucked my verdure out on’t,” where violent imagery of strangulation and high-modality language convey a tone of anger and vengefulness. These negative character traits are further manifested in Prospero’s tyrannical nature, as evidenced when he refers to Caliban as “freckled whelp, hag-born / Not honoured with a human shape,” using bestial imagery to dehumanise him. This initial characterisation is then subverted in the final act where Prospero discovers an appreciation for common humanity, moving him to transform his value system. Where he previously valued revenge and antagonism, Prospero now discovers reason, mercy, and humility. The concept of “Nobler reason” utilises the elevating connotations of nobility to equate the exercising of reason with ideals of dignity. This concept is reinforced by the line “The rarer action is/ In virtue, than in vengeance,” which associates Prospero’s merciful actions with the ‘rarity’ of true dignity. In this way, Prospero is seen to reconsider his value system and uncover hidden qualities.
In conjunction with his representation of Prospero’s self-discovery, Shakespeare further encourages the reconsideration of value systems through the challenge he poses to Jacobean colonial ideologies. The reading of Caliban as the ‘noble savage’ inaugurated by French philosopher Montaigne, challenges the traditional European perception of native populations. Caliban is initially characterised as brutish – referred to as “Hag fish” and “Poor credulous monster,” – and assumed to be culturally and intellectually inferior in his use of “gabble,” thus he is positioned in binary opposition to Renaissance values. However, this initial characterisation is later subverted in Caliban’s poetic musings on the restorative power of the island, which align him with ideals of intellectualism and humanism: “Be not afeared; the isle is full of… sounds, and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.” Caliban further negates the construct whereby colonising powers viewed themselves as benevolent and liberating figures. Caliban’s statement “You taught me language; and my profit on’t / Is, I know how to curse,” directly subverts the elevating power of language, as a pillar of colonial ideology, in the juxtaposition of ‘enlightenment’ against the unenlightened use of obscenity. Caliban’s statement highlights the fundamental paradox of colonialism; in impressing their way of life upon native populations, colonisers did not ‘civilise’ or ‘enlighten,’ but rather encouraged ‘savage’ behaviour. In this way, Shakespeare initiates a process of discovery, where his audience are prompted to reconsider Jacobean colonial values.
In Invictus, Henley represents the realisation that self-discovery has occurred, exhibiting similarities to The Tempest in his depiction of the individual’s transformed sense of self as stimulated by discovery. At the age of 25, Henley’s leg was amputated after he contracted tuberculosis, prompting him to uncover human courage, strength, and resilience. The poem Invictus (translating to ‘unconquerable’) realises the invincibility of the human spirit when confronted by mortality. Henley’s illness as the trigger to his discovery is evoked in the form of hellish metaphor and imagery which establishes an atmosphere of darkness and bleakness: “Out of the night that covers me, / Black as the Pit from pole to pole.” Experiences of suffering and pain are further positioned as integral to the human condition, not ordained by any concept of meaning or purpose: “Under the bludgeonings of chance.” Henley then juxtaposes this evocative rendering of human suffering against statements of courage and resilience: “I thank whatever gods may be / For my unconquerable soul,” utilising a binary structure which positions the opposing concepts of despair and resilience side-by-side, in order to highlight the triumph of human agency over confrontation with suffering and mortality. In this way, Henley uncovers a previously hidden sense of existential clarity when confronted by death, recognising the courage and resilience imbued within the human spirit.
Henley further represents the ability of discovery to provoke reconsideration through the pervasive imagery of courage and strength which highlights his renewed perception of self. Repetition of the prefix ‘un’ within the poem (unbowed, unconquered, unafraid) positions Henley in opposition to his oppressive experiences of suffering, emphasising his status as a figure of agency and resilience. This concept is reinforced in the final, cumulative statement of the poem, “I am the master of my fate, / I am the captain of my soul,” which utilises anaphora to highlight the imperative simplicity of ‘I am.’ The use of genitive case in the possessive pronoun ‘my,’ and the nouns ‘master’ and ‘captain’ further place Henley in a position of power, celebrating the triumph of his human spirit despite the suffering inflicted upon him. In this way, the poem can be viewed as a celebration of the resilience, strength, and courage embedded within the human spirit which Henley recognises as a result of his confrontation with mortality.
Shakespeare’s The Tempest and Henley’s Invictus both involve the uncovering of what is hidden, and the reconsideration of what is known through their representation of characters who access qualities and values they previously did not acknowledge, and renew their perception of self. Additionally, The Tempest poses a challenge to Jacobean colonial ideologies, thereby encouraging audiences to reconsider societal paradigms and values. Thus, the multi-faceted and transformational power of discovery is recognised within both texts.
My teacher wont reply to me for feedback for a creative.
Spoiler
Within a moment his face had become a canvas, intricate slithers of scar tissue spread across his face. The skin on his cheeks peeled off onto the white sheets of the hospital bed with the constant reminder of the sterile scent of the building.
He was fading in and out of consciousness as he glimpses and is absorbed by the bandages wrapped around his face, his arms and his legs. A florescent light is shone above him piercing his eyes as the surgeon lifts him to an upright position on the hospital bed, slicing through the bandages around his face, then his arms and then his legs. He watched as these cuttings floated to the door and the nurse hands him a mirror as his head bows down blankly ignoring having to hold it. He looked into the hand mirror to see a face not of his own but of scars and burnt tissue as if someone had intricately poured red candle wax all over his face. He was stunned in disgust. The mirror catches a tear roll down one’s face as it trundles down the crevices of his frightening scars, he faced the mirror flat down onto the surface of his ordinary sheets covering his body in attempt to disguise the wounds.
** the setting changes- need a transition??
He hobbled down the street with a grey hoodie obscuring his face as best as it could. The physiotherapist was only a block away which felt like an eternity. He kept his head down, it was just easier rather than the sympathy looks of pity and sorrow. He avoided contact with any surface around as the reflection would just be a reminder of the collage of memories, the fire truck, lights, the burning house, the flames that collapsed onto him losing all consciousness.
After an endless walk he knocked on the door, being greeted by a young lady with a friendly smile. An unexpected reaction as his face lifts up and her smile broadens.
There visits seem to get rather frequent and relationship became more intimate. He began to gain his mobility back in his arms and his legs as the strain in his muscles began to strengthen. She stood in front of him as he progresses to an upright stand whilst the tingling pressures sliced through his body, she looked him in the eyes and as his glance caught her intimate smile the searing plains were gone.
The pity stares on the street continued, the grey hoodie was still worn yet the meetings grew more frequent and the eye contact grew more personal. The visits to her house everyday were done cautiously as he still wasn’t ready to come to realisation of the face that wasn’t his own. She was conscious so stood at the door every visit, always with a genuine smile, not stunned by the repulsive shredded skin that made up the entirety of his face. He would question if she was doing it out of the necessity but as her smile caught his eye he was reassured otherwise as the butterflies emerged.
The dim lighting in the bathroom dulled his features and was the only hope that allowed for a sense of self confidence. As he slipped on his shoes, adjusted the tie around his neck and slowly slipped on his coat one arm at a time grasping the edges of his broad shoulders as the crust of his skin would be torn back. He reached into his left pocket to make sure the theatre ticket hadn’t fallen out.
(want something more intriguing)
It was weird to think how it all started that they associated through pain. The physiotherapist stood in front of him once more as the movie finished, her discrete smile undoubtedly allowed for his cheeks to be lifted upwards. This gesture didn’t last long as his head comes to a sudden drop, as the commotion behind her screamed with blasting sirens passing by triggering him to a memory of his past as the beaming lights emphasised his burning wounds.
This was a reminder to his thoughts of why she was with him. Was it out of pity? All these racing thoughts going through his head as the moment couldn’t have been better as her soft hands lift his chin bringing him closer to her face. She stood there in front of him again. He absorbed it all in within such a short second; her sky blue eyes, the strands of her brown hair as it flew around in the cool breeze and of course that indescribable smile. He looked into her and saw truth. She didn’t see his scars; she didn’t see hideousness he ought to see but she just saw him.
Lips millimetres apart, they closed their eyes.
He was fading in and out of consciousness as he glimpses and is absorbed by the bandages wrapped around his face, his arms and his legs. A florescent light is shone above him piercing his eyes as the surgeon lifts him to an upright position on the hospital bed, slicing through the bandages around his face, then his arms and then his legs. He watched as these cuttings floated to the door and the nurse hands him a mirror as his head bows down blankly ignoring having to hold it. He looked into the hand mirror to see a face not of his own but of scars and burnt tissue as if someone had intricately poured red candle wax all over his face. He was stunned in disgust. The mirror catches a tear roll down one’s face as it trundles down the crevices of his frightening scars, he faced the mirror flat down onto the surface of his ordinary sheets covering his body in attempt to disguise the wounds.
** the setting changes- need a transition??
He hobbled down the street with a grey hoodie obscuring his face as best as it could. The physiotherapist was only a block away which felt like an eternity. He kept his head down, it was just easier rather than the sympathy looks of pity and sorrow. He avoided contact with any surface around as the reflection would just be a reminder of the collage of memories, the fire truck, lights, the burning house, the flames that collapsed onto him losing all consciousness.
After an endless walk he knocked on the door, being greeted by a young lady with a friendly smile. An unexpected reaction as his face lifts up and her smile broadens.
There visits seem to get rather frequent and relationship became more intimate. He began to gain his mobility back in his arms and his legs as the strain in his muscles began to strengthen. She stood in front of him as he progresses to an upright stand whilst the tingling pressures sliced through his body, she looked him in the eyes and as his glance caught her intimate smile the searing plains were gone.
The pity stares on the street continued, the grey hoodie was still worn yet the meetings grew more frequent and the eye contact grew more personal. The visits to her house everyday were done cautiously as he still wasn’t ready to come to realisation of the face that wasn’t his own. She was conscious so stood at the door every visit, always with a genuine smile, not stunned by the repulsive shredded skin that made up the entirety of his face. He would question if she was doing it out of the necessity but as her smile caught his eye he was reassured otherwise as the butterflies emerged.
The dim lighting in the bathroom dulled his features and was the only hope that allowed for a sense of self confidence. As he slipped on his shoes, adjusted the tie around his neck and slowly slipped on his coat one arm at a time grasping the edges of his broad shoulders as the crust of his skin would be torn back. He reached into his left pocket to make sure the theatre ticket hadn’t fallen out.
(want something more intriguing)
It was weird to think how it all started that they associated through pain. The physiotherapist stood in front of him once more as the movie finished, her discrete smile undoubtedly allowed for his cheeks to be lifted upwards. This gesture didn’t last long as his head comes to a sudden drop, as the commotion behind her screamed with blasting sirens passing by triggering him to a memory of his past as the beaming lights emphasised his burning wounds.
This was a reminder to his thoughts of why she was with him. Was it out of pity? All these racing thoughts going through his head as the moment couldn’t have been better as her soft hands lift his chin bringing him closer to her face. She stood there in front of him again. He absorbed it all in within such a short second; her sky blue eyes, the strands of her brown hair as it flew around in the cool breeze and of course that indescribable smile. He looked into her and saw truth. She didn’t see his scars; she didn’t see hideousness he ought to see but she just saw him.
Lips millimetres apart, they closed their eyes.
Post by: khanz000 on July 22, 2017, 10:06:45 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 23, 2017, 02:54:32 pm
This is a Discovery Essay. Please give feedback if can.
Hey i just need to see if my essay makes sense
Hey, welcome to the forums to both of you! ;D
Thanks for posting your responses. As per our essay marking rules you'll need 25 posts on ATAR Notes for each piece of feedback you'd like from our markers. The marking threads are very busy right now and this is our way of prioritising ;D looking forward to seeing you both around the site!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2017, 08:39:54 pm
Hey guys,
I did an essay for discovery based on the AOS paper that Atar notes put up. Would you please be able to read through it and give me some feedback? What mark do you think that this essay should get? I know at the moment it is way too long but my teacher said that we needed to have the processes for discovery for each text (Persona's situation at beginning, catalyst, process, discovery and impact). Do you have any ways that I can get the word count down because there is no way that I can write this many word in 40min and I don't think that i'm rambling too much. Also, should I be trying to write integrated essays (In Emily's lecture she said that they were the better way to write an essay)? If so, how can I turn this essay into an integrated one.
Thanks so much,
Katie
Hey Katie! Sorry for the delay in getting this to you, I've attached your response with feedback in bold!
Spoiler
Different discoveries may have similarities, but the ramifications will always vary.
To what extent is this statement true in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
To a great extent, similar discoveries will have varied impacts due to the unique experiences/mindset of an individual. I'd like you to develop this idea a bit more. How will the impacts vary? Why do experiences impact the Discovery? It works well and answers the question but I feel it could be developed to a greater extent. This is conveyed through the poetry of Robert Frost. Stopping by the woods on a Snowy Evening, explores the importance of human relationships, man’s interaction with nature and the use of solitude to reflect on life. The persona’s discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that are emotional, and spiritual as he discovers new ideas about himself and the world around him. How does this relate to the question? The novel, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, portrays a young girl, Liesel, discovering the power of words during World War 2. Don't have to retell the plot, focus on the themes explored and how they relate to the question! Throughout this novel, Liesel’s discovery is both emotionally and intellectually challenging as she explores new perspectives on the world around her. Mending Wall, explores a man’s discovery that his neighbour is unwilling to change because he is steadfast in his traditions and beliefs. The persona realises that discoveries can be made through shared experiences and that discoveries can shift our perspectives on the world around us. The discoveries have many similarities, but have different outcomes and consequences due to the personal experiences of the persona’s. Overall, an effective introduction, but I feel the overarching Thesis could be developed more, and you can trim the word count by removing the bits where you summarise the plot - Those are unnecessary!
Throughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening the persona discovers the importance of human relationships, man’s interaction with nature and the use of solitude to reflect on life. Be careful not to slip into retelling the text and what happens tot the characters. The persona’s discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that are emotional, and spiritual as he discovers new perspectives of the world around him. Don't repeat sentences from your Thesis - It should link but it should be different! The poem, uses the form of a dramatic monologue, in order to portray a man on a journey within the woods. Don't link techniques to plot, link them to concepts and themes. The man stops in awe of the beauty of the nature around him. Retell. However, throughout his pause, there is a sense of danger conveyed through the thickening snowfall, darkening sky and sense of isolation. This is further conveyed through the alliteration of, ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’. This alliteration echoes the soft sound of the gentle wind and fluffy snowflakes falling. The metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’, conveys an image of death as the snow could cover the traveller and his horse if they stay in one spot for too long. How does this theme relate to Discovery? Be careful not to discuss things broadly, link them specifically to the question. The horse senses danger and ‘he gives his harness bells a shake’, creating a contrast between the dreamlike nature of the prior two stanzas. Retelling the plot, see how it has slipped into a "Then this happened," style response? The quote garners the audience's attention to the danger that is lingering in the scene and a need to move on. However, the man is still caught in a peaceful state oblivious to the danger around him. A large amount of this paragraph is retell - Easy way to trim your word count will be to remove retell!
The persona discovers that he prefers quiet reflection and solitude over being with a large number of people. What does this reveal about Discovery though? The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and by himself as therefore he is able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life. He also discovers that he has many different responsibilities in life such as interactions between people. Relate these things to Discovery! His use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the phrase ‘I have promises to keep’. Go the next step - These techniques show ______ about Discovery. The man realises that although he finds the woods very inviting and peaceful, he cannot stay there as there are responsibilities that he needs to take care of. This sudden change has been brought about by the persona’s mindset, which impacts his reaction to the discovery. Therefore, the poem shows that discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional and spiritual ways as it broadens the persona’s perspective of the world around him. We've sort of brought it back to Discovery at the end, but it needs to be threaded throughout, and you are spending a lot of time retelling what actually happens in the text. This is unnecessary and is contributing to your word count issue!
Similarly, the novel The Book Thief by Markus Zusak conveys the notion that discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional and intellectual ways and can lead to further discoveries. Throughout the novel, Liesel learns to read and realises the potential harm of words. She is infuriated by Hitler’s abuse of the power of words and the pain that can come out of it. She discovers that word can be used in harmful circumstances, when Hitler dehumanises and denigrates the Communists and Jews. Don't like Discoveries to plot elements, they MUST come from techniques. In Stopping by woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona’s discovery has emotional and spiritual impacts. He discovers that he prefers solitude and quiet reflection then being with a large amount of people. This notion is different between both texts because although they both are meaningful and fresh, they encompass differing impacts. A bit vague in this comparison, what exactly differs between the impacts?
In the novel, The Book Thief, Liesel discovers that words can be intensely meaningful through both emotional and intellectual ways and that discoveries can shift our perspectives of the world. The novel is set in Germany during World war two, and is narrated by the extremely overworked character of death. Liesel steals her first book from the edge of her brother’s grave. This experience was “1. The last time she saw her brother. 2. The last time she saw her mother". The listing of this quote conveys the significance of this book to Liesel. As her mother cannot take care of her due to the war she is given to foster parents. After her regular nightmares, her papa would start to teach her how to read. She explains that, “it was not so much the school that helped me to read. It was Papa.” Through this experience, she became closer to her Papa, learning to love words and desiring to be able to read more books.
During Liesel's time in the Hitler Youth, she took part in a book burning. This practise was used to cleanse Germany of all undesirable books, namely those that didn’t promote the Nazi regime. Liesel felt conflicted at the time, over both hatred and curiosity. This is further emphasised through the reflective quote, “Something inside her told her this was a crime - after all, her three books were the most precious items she owned - she was compelled to see the thing lit.” This event conveyed the enormous power the Nazi’s had over the books they believed were unacceptable. They were perceived to be powerful, as they contained ideas that the Nazi’s feared and didn’t want the population to read. The simile and visual imagery of the line, “Flames and burning books were cheered like heroes”, expressed how the audience was both enthralled and captivated by the burning books. Liesel soon begins to despise the way words have been used by Hitler to target groups such as the Communists and Jews. Her extreme hurt through the exclamation of "I hate the Führer. […] I hate him", further explores her discovery of Hitler’s misuse of words to create a xenophobia of outsiders and groups that he didn’t approve of. It also conveys Liesel’s change in perspective of the government and rejection of the Nazi party's ideals. The last line of Liesel’s book, ’I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right”, conveys that she has grasped the power of words. She wishes to use words for compassionate reasons rather than those that could cause harm as she is drawn to their power to heal and form friendships. Therefore, throughout the novel, Liesel’s discoveries are emotionally and intellectually meaningful as they allow her to form new perspectives on the world around her. The ramifications of her discoveries are very different to those portrayed throughout Frost’s poetry due to the persona’s unique experiences.
Throughout Frost’s poem, Mending Wall the persona makes new discoveries that are emotionally and spiritual meaning and impact his perspective of the world around him. The poem is set in the farming lifestyle of New England. The persona and his neighbour meet each year at Spring to mend the wall between their properties. This has been a longstanding tradition, since frost destroys the wall each winter. The phrase ‘something that doesn’t love a wall ….. frozen ground swells under it’ conveys the damage that the frost makes to the wall. Their is a pun on Frost’s name suggesting that he doesn’t like walls and wishes to tear them down. Walls are also used in the poem as a metaphor to portray barriers between or in people as seen through the neighbour’s unquestionable response of, ‘Good fences make good neighbours’.
Each Spring, the men come together to mend the wall. The irony created through the phrase ‘we meet to walk the line/and set the wall between us once again’, shows that the men have come together in order to stay apart. The protagonist believes that there is no need for a wall explaining their actions as ‘just another kind of outdoor game.’ This metaphor conveys the futility of their work because the wall is destroyed each year. Throughout this process, the persona discovers that the neighbour resists and is unwilling to change. The neighbour believes that the wall is an essential part of life. However, the writer describes his neighbour ‘like an old-stone savage armed’. This simile portrays how the man is set in the past and upholds his traditions. He is armed to protect his traditions that he wishes to keep. The neighbour’s unwillingness to change is also seen throughout the line ‘he will not go behind his father’s saying’. This metaphor conveys that the neighbour will not question his father’s beliefs or develop any new ideas. Through this discovery, the character learns that he has the opposite perspective to the neighbour and thus discovers and embrace new ideas. He learns that he is more willing to change and is opposed to walls/barriers in life. Hence, in the poem discoveries are emotional and spiritual as the persona finds new perspectives on himself and the world around him.
To a great extent, discovers may share similar aspects but will have varied impacts due to the persona’s unique mindset and experiences. This is skillfully portrayed throughout the poetry of Robert Frost. His poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, conveys a man’s journey through the woods and the peace he finds within it. His discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional, and spiritual ways as he discovers new ideas about himself and the world around him. The novel, The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak, is narrated by the character of death and shows Liesel, discovering the power of words during World War Two. Her discoveries were intensely meaningful through intellectual and emotional ways and her discoveries shifted her perspectives on the world around her.The poem, Mending Wall explores a man’s discovery that his neighbour is unwilling to change and is steadfast in his beliefs. He discovers that he is more willing to change and is opposed to barriers in life. The persona makes new discoveries by engaging in shared experiences which then impacted his perspective on the world around him. It is evident that although discoveries will have many shared features, they will have differing ramifications due to the persona’s unique mindset and experiences.
To what extent is this statement true in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
To a great extent, similar discoveries will have varied impacts due to the unique experiences/mindset of an individual. I'd like you to develop this idea a bit more. How will the impacts vary? Why do experiences impact the Discovery? It works well and answers the question but I feel it could be developed to a greater extent. This is conveyed through the poetry of Robert Frost. Stopping by the woods on a Snowy Evening, explores the importance of human relationships, man’s interaction with nature and the use of solitude to reflect on life. The persona’s discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that are emotional, and spiritual as he discovers new ideas about himself and the world around him. How does this relate to the question? The novel, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, portrays a young girl, Liesel, discovering the power of words during World War 2. Don't have to retell the plot, focus on the themes explored and how they relate to the question! Throughout this novel, Liesel’s discovery is both emotionally and intellectually challenging as she explores new perspectives on the world around her. Mending Wall, explores a man’s discovery that his neighbour is unwilling to change because he is steadfast in his traditions and beliefs. The persona realises that discoveries can be made through shared experiences and that discoveries can shift our perspectives on the world around us. The discoveries have many similarities, but have different outcomes and consequences due to the personal experiences of the persona’s. Overall, an effective introduction, but I feel the overarching Thesis could be developed more, and you can trim the word count by removing the bits where you summarise the plot - Those are unnecessary!
Throughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening the persona discovers the importance of human relationships, man’s interaction with nature and the use of solitude to reflect on life. Be careful not to slip into retelling the text and what happens tot the characters. The persona’s discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that are emotional, and spiritual as he discovers new perspectives of the world around him. Don't repeat sentences from your Thesis - It should link but it should be different! The poem, uses the form of a dramatic monologue, in order to portray a man on a journey within the woods. Don't link techniques to plot, link them to concepts and themes. The man stops in awe of the beauty of the nature around him. Retell. However, throughout his pause, there is a sense of danger conveyed through the thickening snowfall, darkening sky and sense of isolation. This is further conveyed through the alliteration of, ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’. This alliteration echoes the soft sound of the gentle wind and fluffy snowflakes falling. The metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’, conveys an image of death as the snow could cover the traveller and his horse if they stay in one spot for too long. How does this theme relate to Discovery? Be careful not to discuss things broadly, link them specifically to the question. The horse senses danger and ‘he gives his harness bells a shake’, creating a contrast between the dreamlike nature of the prior two stanzas. Retelling the plot, see how it has slipped into a "Then this happened," style response? The quote garners the audience's attention to the danger that is lingering in the scene and a need to move on. However, the man is still caught in a peaceful state oblivious to the danger around him. A large amount of this paragraph is retell - Easy way to trim your word count will be to remove retell!
The persona discovers that he prefers quiet reflection and solitude over being with a large number of people. What does this reveal about Discovery though? The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and by himself as therefore he is able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life. He also discovers that he has many different responsibilities in life such as interactions between people. Relate these things to Discovery! His use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the phrase ‘I have promises to keep’. Go the next step - These techniques show ______ about Discovery. The man realises that although he finds the woods very inviting and peaceful, he cannot stay there as there are responsibilities that he needs to take care of. This sudden change has been brought about by the persona’s mindset, which impacts his reaction to the discovery. Therefore, the poem shows that discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional and spiritual ways as it broadens the persona’s perspective of the world around him. We've sort of brought it back to Discovery at the end, but it needs to be threaded throughout, and you are spending a lot of time retelling what actually happens in the text. This is unnecessary and is contributing to your word count issue!
Similarly, the novel The Book Thief by Markus Zusak conveys the notion that discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional and intellectual ways and can lead to further discoveries. Throughout the novel, Liesel learns to read and realises the potential harm of words. She is infuriated by Hitler’s abuse of the power of words and the pain that can come out of it. She discovers that word can be used in harmful circumstances, when Hitler dehumanises and denigrates the Communists and Jews. Don't like Discoveries to plot elements, they MUST come from techniques. In Stopping by woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona’s discovery has emotional and spiritual impacts. He discovers that he prefers solitude and quiet reflection then being with a large amount of people. This notion is different between both texts because although they both are meaningful and fresh, they encompass differing impacts. A bit vague in this comparison, what exactly differs between the impacts?
In the novel, The Book Thief, Liesel discovers that words can be intensely meaningful through both emotional and intellectual ways and that discoveries can shift our perspectives of the world. The novel is set in Germany during World war two, and is narrated by the extremely overworked character of death. Liesel steals her first book from the edge of her brother’s grave. This experience was “1. The last time she saw her brother. 2. The last time she saw her mother". The listing of this quote conveys the significance of this book to Liesel. As her mother cannot take care of her due to the war she is given to foster parents. After her regular nightmares, her papa would start to teach her how to read. She explains that, “it was not so much the school that helped me to read. It was Papa.” Through this experience, she became closer to her Papa, learning to love words and desiring to be able to read more books.
During Liesel's time in the Hitler Youth, she took part in a book burning. This practise was used to cleanse Germany of all undesirable books, namely those that didn’t promote the Nazi regime. Liesel felt conflicted at the time, over both hatred and curiosity. This is further emphasised through the reflective quote, “Something inside her told her this was a crime - after all, her three books were the most precious items she owned - she was compelled to see the thing lit.” This event conveyed the enormous power the Nazi’s had over the books they believed were unacceptable. They were perceived to be powerful, as they contained ideas that the Nazi’s feared and didn’t want the population to read. The simile and visual imagery of the line, “Flames and burning books were cheered like heroes”, expressed how the audience was both enthralled and captivated by the burning books. Liesel soon begins to despise the way words have been used by Hitler to target groups such as the Communists and Jews. Her extreme hurt through the exclamation of "I hate the Führer. […] I hate him", further explores her discovery of Hitler’s misuse of words to create a xenophobia of outsiders and groups that he didn’t approve of. It also conveys Liesel’s change in perspective of the government and rejection of the Nazi party's ideals. The last line of Liesel’s book, ’I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right”, conveys that she has grasped the power of words. She wishes to use words for compassionate reasons rather than those that could cause harm as she is drawn to their power to heal and form friendships. Therefore, throughout the novel, Liesel’s discoveries are emotionally and intellectually meaningful as they allow her to form new perspectives on the world around her. The ramifications of her discoveries are very different to those portrayed throughout Frost’s poetry due to the persona’s unique experiences.
Throughout Frost’s poem, Mending Wall the persona makes new discoveries that are emotionally and spiritual meaning and impact his perspective of the world around him. The poem is set in the farming lifestyle of New England. The persona and his neighbour meet each year at Spring to mend the wall between their properties. This has been a longstanding tradition, since frost destroys the wall each winter. The phrase ‘something that doesn’t love a wall ….. frozen ground swells under it’ conveys the damage that the frost makes to the wall. Their is a pun on Frost’s name suggesting that he doesn’t like walls and wishes to tear them down. Walls are also used in the poem as a metaphor to portray barriers between or in people as seen through the neighbour’s unquestionable response of, ‘Good fences make good neighbours’.
Each Spring, the men come together to mend the wall. The irony created through the phrase ‘we meet to walk the line/and set the wall between us once again’, shows that the men have come together in order to stay apart. The protagonist believes that there is no need for a wall explaining their actions as ‘just another kind of outdoor game.’ This metaphor conveys the futility of their work because the wall is destroyed each year. Throughout this process, the persona discovers that the neighbour resists and is unwilling to change. The neighbour believes that the wall is an essential part of life. However, the writer describes his neighbour ‘like an old-stone savage armed’. This simile portrays how the man is set in the past and upholds his traditions. He is armed to protect his traditions that he wishes to keep. The neighbour’s unwillingness to change is also seen throughout the line ‘he will not go behind his father’s saying’. This metaphor conveys that the neighbour will not question his father’s beliefs or develop any new ideas. Through this discovery, the character learns that he has the opposite perspective to the neighbour and thus discovers and embrace new ideas. He learns that he is more willing to change and is opposed to walls/barriers in life. Hence, in the poem discoveries are emotional and spiritual as the persona finds new perspectives on himself and the world around him.
To a great extent, discovers may share similar aspects but will have varied impacts due to the persona’s unique mindset and experiences. This is skillfully portrayed throughout the poetry of Robert Frost. His poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, conveys a man’s journey through the woods and the peace he finds within it. His discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional, and spiritual ways as he discovers new ideas about himself and the world around him. The novel, The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak, is narrated by the character of death and shows Liesel, discovering the power of words during World War Two. Her discoveries were intensely meaningful through intellectual and emotional ways and her discoveries shifted her perspectives on the world around her.The poem, Mending Wall explores a man’s discovery that his neighbour is unwilling to change and is steadfast in his beliefs. He discovers that he is more willing to change and is opposed to barriers in life. The persona makes new discoveries by engaging in shared experiences which then impacted his perspective on the world around him. It is evident that although discoveries will have many shared features, they will have differing ramifications due to the persona’s unique mindset and experiences.
So I stopped providing comments about halfway through, purely to avoid repetition - The issues I'm spotting are recurring so seeing them corrected in the first half should help in the second half! :)
The biggest issue is retell. You are saying, "This happened in the text. This character has this happen to them. This is how they react." And then you are bringing Discovery back into it right at the end, linking it sort of qualitatively to the events of the text. This is very low level analysis, it is basically just throwing the story back to the marker! Remember, the marker has read it, most of what you are giving them they already know :)
Instead, I want you to focus on your techniques, and analysing how they communicate Discovery concepts. Go to TEA:
TECHNIQUE: Provide a quote and give the technique utilised by the composer (or it may be a technique without a quote)
EXPLAIN: Why the composer has used that technique and what they want to communicate with it
AUDIENCE: How does this technique affect our understanding? What new knowledge do we gain?
Nowhere here is plot necessary, it is purely, "The composer uses TECHNIQUE in QUOTE to communicate __________ which shows us _______." Rinse. Repeat :)
Right now I don't think you should be expending energy turning this into an integrated response, eliminating retell and improving your analysis should be your number one priority! Your ideas are good, but the way you are delving into them in the texts is not quite there yet.
Right now, I'd put this essay in the lower mid range, maybe 7 or 8 out of 15 :)
Hopefully this feedback helps!! Let me know if you need anything clarified! ;D
Post by: Daniyahasan on July 24, 2017, 08:54:40 pm
so i just wanted to ask that if i send in my AOS essay tomorrow do i have any possibility of getting it marked by friday/saturday ( my trial is on monday so i just wanted to give myself a few days to memorise)
Thank you
Post by: katie,rinos on July 24, 2017, 09:00:31 pm
Hey Katie! Sorry for the delay in getting this to you, I've attached your response with feedback in bold!Thanks so much Jamon! :D I sent a copy to my teacher and she hasn't picked this up. I've never heard of TEA before so thanks heaps for explaining it.:) I would much rather have feedback like this now, instead of trials which are marked externally. I'm just a bit confused because my teacher said that we needed to address the persona's situation at beginning, catalyst, process, discovery and impact (therefore I think this is why i'm trying to retell). I'm a bit unsure about how I would then structure my paragraphs, because i've structured plot wise now. Would I just go from quote to quote? Do you have any really good exemplar essays or essays posted here, on Frost's poems that i'd be able to read to gain an idea?SpoilerDifferent discoveries may have similarities, but the ramifications will always vary.
To what extent is this statement true in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
To a great extent, similar discoveries will have varied impacts due to the unique experiences/mindset of an individual. I'd like you to develop this idea a bit more. How will the impacts vary? Why do experiences impact the Discovery? It works well and answers the question but I feel it could be developed to a greater extent. This is conveyed through the poetry of Robert Frost. Stopping by the woods on a Snowy Evening, explores the importance of human relationships, man’s interaction with nature and the use of solitude to reflect on life. The persona’s discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that are emotional, and spiritual as he discovers new ideas about himself and the world around him. How does this relate to the question? The novel, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, portrays a young girl, Liesel, discovering the power of words during World War 2. Don't have to retell the plot, focus on the themes explored and how they relate to the question! Throughout this novel, Liesel’s discovery is both emotionally and intellectually challenging as she explores new perspectives on the world around her. Mending Wall, explores a man’s discovery that his neighbour is unwilling to change because he is steadfast in his traditions and beliefs. The persona realises that discoveries can be made through shared experiences and that discoveries can shift our perspectives on the world around us. The discoveries have many similarities, but have different outcomes and consequences due to the personal experiences of the persona’s. Overall, an effective introduction, but I feel the overarching Thesis could be developed more, and you can trim the word count by removing the bits where you summarise the plot - Those are unnecessary!
Throughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening the persona discovers the importance of human relationships, man’s interaction with nature and the use of solitude to reflect on life. Be careful not to slip into retelling the text and what happens tot the characters. The persona’s discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that are emotional, and spiritual as he discovers new perspectives of the world around him. Don't repeat sentences from your Thesis - It should link but it should be different! The poem, uses the form of a dramatic monologue, in order to portray a man on a journey within the woods. Don't link techniques to plot, link them to concepts and themes. The man stops in awe of the beauty of the nature around him. Retell. However, throughout his pause, there is a sense of danger conveyed through the thickening snowfall, darkening sky and sense of isolation. This is further conveyed through the alliteration of, ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’. This alliteration echoes the soft sound of the gentle wind and fluffy snowflakes falling. The metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’, conveys an image of death as the snow could cover the traveller and his horse if they stay in one spot for too long. How does this theme relate to Discovery? Be careful not to discuss things broadly, link them specifically to the question. The horse senses danger and ‘he gives his harness bells a shake’, creating a contrast between the dreamlike nature of the prior two stanzas. Retelling the plot, see how it has slipped into a "Then this happened," style response? The quote garners the audience's attention to the danger that is lingering in the scene and a need to move on. However, the man is still caught in a peaceful state oblivious to the danger around him. A large amount of this paragraph is retell - Easy way to trim your word count will be to remove retell!
The persona discovers that he prefers quiet reflection and solitude over being with a large number of people. What does this reveal about Discovery though? The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and by himself as therefore he is able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life. He also discovers that he has many different responsibilities in life such as interactions between people. Relate these things to Discovery! His use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the phrase ‘I have promises to keep’. Go the next step - These techniques show ______ about Discovery. The man realises that although he finds the woods very inviting and peaceful, he cannot stay there as there are responsibilities that he needs to take care of. This sudden change has been brought about by the persona’s mindset, which impacts his reaction to the discovery. Therefore, the poem shows that discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional and spiritual ways as it broadens the persona’s perspective of the world around him. We've sort of brought it back to Discovery at the end, but it needs to be threaded throughout, and you are spending a lot of time retelling what actually happens in the text. This is unnecessary and is contributing to your word count issue!
Similarly, the novel The Book Thief by Markus Zusak conveys the notion that discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional and intellectual ways and can lead to further discoveries. Throughout the novel, Liesel learns to read and realises the potential harm of words. She is infuriated by Hitler’s abuse of the power of words and the pain that can come out of it. She discovers that word can be used in harmful circumstances, when Hitler dehumanises and denigrates the Communists and Jews. Don't like Discoveries to plot elements, they MUST come from techniques. In Stopping by woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona’s discovery has emotional and spiritual impacts. He discovers that he prefers solitude and quiet reflection then being with a large amount of people. This notion is different between both texts because although they both are meaningful and fresh, they encompass differing impacts. A bit vague in this comparison, what exactly differs between the impacts?
In the novel, The Book Thief, Liesel discovers that words can be intensely meaningful through both emotional and intellectual ways and that discoveries can shift our perspectives of the world. The novel is set in Germany during World war two, and is narrated by the extremely overworked character of death. Liesel steals her first book from the edge of her brother’s grave. This experience was “1. The last time she saw her brother. 2. The last time she saw her mother". The listing of this quote conveys the significance of this book to Liesel. As her mother cannot take care of her due to the war she is given to foster parents. After her regular nightmares, her papa would start to teach her how to read. She explains that, “it was not so much the school that helped me to read. It was Papa.” Through this experience, she became closer to her Papa, learning to love words and desiring to be able to read more books.
During Liesel's time in the Hitler Youth, she took part in a book burning. This practise was used to cleanse Germany of all undesirable books, namely those that didn’t promote the Nazi regime. Liesel felt conflicted at the time, over both hatred and curiosity. This is further emphasised through the reflective quote, “Something inside her told her this was a crime - after all, her three books were the most precious items she owned - she was compelled to see the thing lit.” This event conveyed the enormous power the Nazi’s had over the books they believed were unacceptable. They were perceived to be powerful, as they contained ideas that the Nazi’s feared and didn’t want the population to read. The simile and visual imagery of the line, “Flames and burning books were cheered like heroes”, expressed how the audience was both enthralled and captivated by the burning books. Liesel soon begins to despise the way words have been used by Hitler to target groups such as the Communists and Jews. Her extreme hurt through the exclamation of "I hate the Führer. […] I hate him", further explores her discovery of Hitler’s misuse of words to create a xenophobia of outsiders and groups that he didn’t approve of. It also conveys Liesel’s change in perspective of the government and rejection of the Nazi party's ideals. The last line of Liesel’s book, ’I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right”, conveys that she has grasped the power of words. She wishes to use words for compassionate reasons rather than those that could cause harm as she is drawn to their power to heal and form friendships. Therefore, throughout the novel, Liesel’s discoveries are emotionally and intellectually meaningful as they allow her to form new perspectives on the world around her. The ramifications of her discoveries are very different to those portrayed throughout Frost’s poetry due to the persona’s unique experiences.
Throughout Frost’s poem, Mending Wall the persona makes new discoveries that are emotionally and spiritual meaning and impact his perspective of the world around him. The poem is set in the farming lifestyle of New England. The persona and his neighbour meet each year at Spring to mend the wall between their properties. This has been a longstanding tradition, since frost destroys the wall each winter. The phrase ‘something that doesn’t love a wall ….. frozen ground swells under it’ conveys the damage that the frost makes to the wall. Their is a pun on Frost’s name suggesting that he doesn’t like walls and wishes to tear them down. Walls are also used in the poem as a metaphor to portray barriers between or in people as seen through the neighbour’s unquestionable response of, ‘Good fences make good neighbours’.
Each Spring, the men come together to mend the wall. The irony created through the phrase ‘we meet to walk the line/and set the wall between us once again’, shows that the men have come together in order to stay apart. The protagonist believes that there is no need for a wall explaining their actions as ‘just another kind of outdoor game.’ This metaphor conveys the futility of their work because the wall is destroyed each year. Throughout this process, the persona discovers that the neighbour resists and is unwilling to change. The neighbour believes that the wall is an essential part of life. However, the writer describes his neighbour ‘like an old-stone savage armed’. This simile portrays how the man is set in the past and upholds his traditions. He is armed to protect his traditions that he wishes to keep. The neighbour’s unwillingness to change is also seen throughout the line ‘he will not go behind his father’s saying’. This metaphor conveys that the neighbour will not question his father’s beliefs or develop any new ideas. Through this discovery, the character learns that he has the opposite perspective to the neighbour and thus discovers and embrace new ideas. He learns that he is more willing to change and is opposed to walls/barriers in life. Hence, in the poem discoveries are emotional and spiritual as the persona finds new perspectives on himself and the world around him.
To a great extent, discovers may share similar aspects but will have varied impacts due to the persona’s unique mindset and experiences. This is skillfully portrayed throughout the poetry of Robert Frost. His poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, conveys a man’s journey through the woods and the peace he finds within it. His discovery is fresh and intensely meaningful in emotional, and spiritual ways as he discovers new ideas about himself and the world around him. The novel, The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak, is narrated by the character of death and shows Liesel, discovering the power of words during World War Two. Her discoveries were intensely meaningful through intellectual and emotional ways and her discoveries shifted her perspectives on the world around her.The poem, Mending Wall explores a man’s discovery that his neighbour is unwilling to change and is steadfast in his beliefs. He discovers that he is more willing to change and is opposed to barriers in life. The persona makes new discoveries by engaging in shared experiences which then impacted his perspective on the world around him. It is evident that although discoveries will have many shared features, they will have differing ramifications due to the persona’s unique mindset and experiences.
So I stopped providing comments about halfway through, purely to avoid repetition - The issues I'm spotting are recurring so seeing them corrected in the first half should help in the second half! :)
The biggest issue is retell. You are saying, "This happened in the text. This character has this happen to them. This is how they react." And then you are bringing Discovery back into it right at the end, linking it sort of qualitatively to the events of the text. This is very low level analysis, it is basically just throwing the story back to the marker! Remember, the marker has read it, most of what you are giving them they already know :)
Instead, I want you to focus on your techniques, and analysing how they communicate Discovery concepts. Go to TEA:
TECHNIQUE: Provide a quote and give the technique utilised by the composer (or it may be a technique without a quote)
EXPLAIN: Why the composer has used that technique and what they want to communicate with it
AUDIENCE: How does this technique affect our understanding? What new knowledge do we gain?
Nowhere here is plot necessary, it is purely, "The composer uses TECHNIQUE in QUOTE to communicate __________ which shows us _______." Rinse. Repeat :)
Right now I don't think you should be expending energy turning this into an integrated response, eliminating retell and improving your analysis should be your number one priority! Your ideas are good, but the way you are delving into them in the texts is not quite there yet.
Right now, I'd put this essay in the lower mid range, maybe 7 or 8 out of 15 :)
Hopefully this feedback helps!! Let me know if you need anything clarified! ;D
Thanks so much!! I will definitely try to work on this throughout the week. :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2017, 09:10:58 pm
Hey Jamon or Elyse,
so i just wanted to ask that if i send in my AOS essay tomorrow do i have any possibility of getting it marked by friday/saturday ( my trial is on monday so i just wanted to give myself a few days to memorise)
Thank you
Elyse smashed the Creatives tonight, so fairly high chance if you post it tonight or tomorrow
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2017, 09:12:41 pm
Thanks so much Jamon! :D I sent a copy to my teacher and she hasn't picked this up. I've never heard of TEA before so thanks heaps for explaining it.:) I would much rather have feedback like this now, instead of trials which are marked externally. I'm just a bit confused because my teacher said that we needed to address the persona's situation at beginning, catalyst, process, discovery and impact (therefore I think this is why i'm trying to retell). I'm a bit unsure about how I would then structure my paragraphs, because i've structured plot wise now. Would I just go from quote to quote? Do you have any really good exemplar essays or essays posted here, on Frost's poems that i'd be able to read to gain an idea?
Thanks so much!! I will definitely try to work on this throughout the week. :)
Your teachers advice is very strange, and in my opinion, perhaps a tad counterproductive? Obviously weigh the opinions for their worth but I definitely wouldn't approach the essay that way
Check the Notes section for exemplars! Just on my phone at the moment so can't say for sure what is there but you should definitely take a look!
Post by: Daniyahasan on July 24, 2017, 09:16:08 pm
Elyse smashed the Creatives tonight, so fairly high chance if you post it tonight or tomorrowomg that's great, thank you!
Post by: katie,rinos on July 24, 2017, 09:42:36 pm
Your teachers advice is very strange, and in my opinion, perhaps a tad counterproductive? Obviously weigh the opinions for their worth but I definitely wouldn't approach the essay that wayHey,
Check the Notes section for exemplars! Just on my phone at the moment so can't say for sure what is there but you should definitely take a look!
Were my quotes and analysis ok, or would I have to work on that more as well? Obviously, I would have to link it back to discovery more but would I need to get more, different quotes or are these ok? If I took all of my retelling out and just worked on my quotes and analysing and how this affects the discovery would that improve my essay? How would I move from one quote to another in my paragraphs if I didn't retell any parts of the text? How many words/paragraphs should I be aiming to write and how many quotes should I use in each paragraph?
Thanks heaps :D (sorry, I feel like i'm asking a lot of questions but i'm kinda stressing out because trials are in two weeks)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2017, 11:56:58 pm
Hey,
Were my quotes and analysis ok, or would I have to work on that more as well? Obviously, I would have to link it back to discovery more but would I need to get more, different quotes or are these ok? If I took all of my retelling out and just worked on my quotes and analysing and how this affects the discovery would that improve my essay? How would I move from one quote to another in my paragraphs if I didn't retell any parts of the text? How many words/paragraphs should I be aiming to write and how many quotes should I use in each paragraph?
Thanks heaps :D (sorry, I feel like i'm asking a lot of questions but i'm kinda stressing out because trials are in two weeks)
No no don't be sorry for asking questions! ;D
So, if you read the sentence with the quote and it has a technique in it (and a good one, not like, just tone), then the quote is great. You need quotes you can point to and say, "Aha, the composer did THIS and THIS is why they did it." ;D
If the quote doesn't have a technique attached in your essay, it is probably worth swapping (unless you can find a technique in it) :)
Removing the retell would definitely improve your essay and it is still easy to move from one quote to the next. To make something random up on the spot:
The use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE develops a sombre mood, enhancing the audience's appreciation of the grim discoveries of the protagonist. This is equally achieved through the use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE, where...
Etc, etc. You don't need to explain where these things fit or anything like that, it is purely about the composers ideas and how they are communicated ;D
Words? Quality over quantity, but you'd want to be edging over the 700-800 word mark at minimum I'd imagine - My AoS essays were always between 800-900 I think? :) quotes per paragraph? Quality over quantity - But aim for three minimum ;D
Post by: Daniyahasan on July 25, 2017, 01:14:27 am
so here's my essay, i feel like its too way long (we have 40 mins to write it) i want to shorten it but idk how to shorten it cos i feel like everything is important
so when you mark it can u pls tell me if i should get rid of bits here and there
i feel like my linking and topic sentences are weak, how can i overcome that
also i feel like im not answering the question properly
even if you feel like iv done a small mistake pls tell me cos i want to perfect this essay
THANKS SO MUCH GUYS!! :) :) :) :)
ps it'd be amazing if i can get feedback asap ( my trial is on Monday, so i want some time to memorize it)
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 26, 2017, 05:34:38 pm
Not to fear - you still have 48 hours to post your work and we will get to marking them even after the threads are locked (if there's backlog).
We'll still be here to help you during the trials with all of our Q+A threads, downloadable notes, thesis statement feedback and so on. Thanks for understanding! We're still here to help on all of the boards that aren't marking threads! :)
Post by: katie,rinos on July 26, 2017, 06:26:03 pm
Hey all, in 48 hours from now we will be locking these marking threads for the trial period. The two main reasons being, we want to be able to help lots of students in the time it takes to mark an essay/creative (usually 30-45 minutes at least) while lots of students need the help during trials, and also because feedback becomes less constructive with minimal time until the exam because we want to avoid panicking you with big changes, so the feedback isn't as worthwhile for you.Hey Elyse,
Not to fear - you still have 48 hours to post your work and we will get to marking them even after the threads are locked (if there's backlog).
We'll still be here to help you during the trials with all of our Q+A threads, downloadable notes, thesis statement feedback and so on. Thanks for understanding! We're still here to help on all of the boards that aren't marking threads! :)
When will the essay threads be locked until? Also, would I be able to post a paragraph of my discovery essay, fixed with Jamon's feedback tomorrow night to see if I have been improving and to get that looked over? (would it count toward my post limit if it is only one paragraph?)
Thanks so much :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2017, 08:53:13 pm
Hey Elyse,
When will the essay threads be locked until? Also, would I be able to post a paragraph of my discovery essay, fixed with Jamon's feedback tomorrow night to see if I have been improving and to get that looked over? (would it count toward my post limit if it is only one paragraph?)
Thanks so much :)
Threads will likely be locked until Wednesday night - You can definitely post a paragraph tomorrow night before the thread locks on Friday! Won't count towards your post count :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2017, 11:42:49 pm
Hey guys,
so here's my essay, i feel like its too way long (we have 40 mins to write it) i want to shorten it but idk how to shorten it cos i feel like everything is important
so when you mark it can u pls tell me if i should get rid of bits here and there
i feel like my linking and topic sentences are weak, how can i overcome that
also i feel like im not answering the question properly
even if you feel like iv done a small mistake pls tell me cos i want to perfect this essay
THANKS SO MUCH GUYS!! :) :) :) :)
ps it'd be amazing if i can get feedback asap ( my trial is on Monday, so i want some time to memorize it)
Hey! Your essay is attached with feedback in bold ;D
Essay with Feedback
To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering?
In your response, refer to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Discoveries can offer an individual fresh insights and ideas which enable speculation about future possibilities. The significance of discoveries, whether deliberate or by chance, is relative to the measure in which it affects meaningful change in one's perception of themselves and their life. Really cool introduction! Perceptive, clever. But I'm not sure if it is linking to the question as explicitly as I would like, it definitely answers the question but it could do so more directly. Such ideas are demonstrated in the poems Mending Wall and After apple picking composed by Robert Frost. The poem, Mending Wall showcases the nature of a planned encounter with a neighbor, but through the steadfast insistence of barriers, the persona acknowledges the selfish, possessive human condition provoked by the attitude towards the process of discovering. You don't need to delve into the plot of your text, just introduce it and run through (very quickly) the themes it addresses and the perspective it communicates! In Robert Frost’s poem, “After Apple Picking”, through spiritual discovery one comes to acknowledge the unexpected moment of rejecting planned achievements and goals inherent to human life. Similarly, these concepts are explored in Shawn Tan’s illustrative publication The Red Tree. In exploring this text it is evident that discoveries change people in a range of ways, and that these changes impact how we understand ourselves and the world. Through the study of Frost’s poetry as well as Tan’s illustrative narrative, one comes to a greater understanding of the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering. Overall, a very effective introduction. I'd like your Thesis linked to the question a bit more explicitly, and you could introduce the texts more succinctly to save yourself some words.
Dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realizations enables the progression of an individual. The poem Mending Wall by Robert Frost portrays both the realization of human condition for a possessive and selfish nature, inviting the responder to make their own discovery through introspection of their own ‘walls’ and ‘barriers’. A slight expression issue in the first half of that sentence, but the idea presented is really cool - Like how the audience is included in the introduction. Works well. ‘The wall’ itself is symbolic of the barriers in society, between people. The building of the wall metaphorically symbolizes the barriers in society between different people, classes, segregation. Those two sentences say the same thing, slightly redundant? The poem questions barriers, the persona comes to the discovery that they have their strengths and weaknesses, while the neighbor holds on to the idea that they are positive. Don't explore what happens to the characters - This is retell! This challenge to the orthodox is presented through the analogy of rebuilding a boundary fence with a neighbor – ‘Good fences make good neighbors.” Slightly tending towards retell still. The repetitive rhetoric allows the responders to ruminate a ‘norm’ which is often followed thoughtlessly and lacking reason, revealing both the emotional and intellectual attitude evoked by process of discoveries, be it for the first time or rediscovering something. Analysis is good in this paragraph, but could be better, slightly too text focused!
Often, different types of discovery intertwine together and are employed by composers to provoke responders into new emotional and intellectual responses through the process of discovering. 'Composers use discovery to provoke responders to responses through discovery' - Something a bit off about this topic sentence? Frost, in Mending Wall highlights that discoveries and discovering can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. “Good fences make good neighbors”- the persona and his neighbor repeat these aphorisms toward one another. What is the technique? Remember, it isn't the persona, it is the composer who made the choice to include it. This further enhances the sense of the barrier between neighbors and the paradox in this contradictory truth elucidates that one has come to speculate about new possibilities, while the other has not. “He will not go beyond his father’s saying...good fences make good neighbors” The neighbor is perceived as simple and backward thinking. Technique? What does it show about Discovery? Frost suggests that by mindlessly repeating the cliché of his father, the neighbor is unable to think beyond what he has been told. These notions allowing both the viewer and persona to gain knowledge about themselves and their surroundings. Not much analysis in this paragraph, no techniques, more of a "This is how the characters interact and what it means. This is okay but definitely not what you are striving for!
Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Cool! Again, a good chance to explicitly say this is an example of an intellectual response, link to the question explicitly. Frost’s, After Apple Picking is a poem that draws upon the often unplanned discoveries through capturing the spiritual and intellectual acknowledgment of life and death. Good. The symbolism of the apple represents a number of life goals, including the accomplishment of knowledge, wealth, or achievements. What does it show about Discovery? Try to get to the Discovery link immediately. Yet, the tone and attitude of the persona is one of frustration and self-regret, as he discovers the futility of this repetitive act, “For I have had too much…Of apple-picking: I am overtired…Of the great harvest I myself desired”, as a result of this epiphany, the persona instead reflects upon the goals he had accomplished rather than the opportunities he missed. This sentence is definitely too long, break it up a little! “There were ten thousand thousand fruit to touch, cherish in hand, lift down, and not let fall.” Here, the metaphorical apples become objectives met, actions done, and goals achieved. I feel like your tone in this essay isn't quite right, it feels a bit like a speech or a creative - In that you are dancing around your points a little. Be direct. The metaphorical apples show the audience ____ about discovery. Therefore, his earlier epiphany serves as a catalyst towards enabling the persona to acknowledge an emotional and intellectual sense of accomplishment rather than the assumption of dejection. We're still saying, 'The character experiences this and this shows this.' We need to abstract and look at composer decisions. The persona uncovers through the process of discovery that it is the attitude towards discovery which is most essential. This conclusion exemplifies that you are too text focused - Nothing about the composer, nothing about how Discovery is represented, very much just, "The persona experiences a Discovery." At its core, this is retell.
Emotional and intellectual experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world. Good, explicit link to the question. Good stuff. In After Apple Picking, Robert Frost portrays how the impact of discoveries can be transformative for the individual. “Great harvest”, the positive connotation suggest energy and enthusiasm when slipping into sleep, the persona’s mood changes, however, with the short sentences. This sentence needs a bit of a tidy, feels very choppy and doesn't quite flow. “Went surely to the apple-cider heap” and “For all” which creates pause, to consider whether all the hard work and commitment which consumed the persona was worth the effort. What does it show about Discovery? Get straight to this immediately. The negative connotations express a feeling of failure, a sense of loss. Keep the academic tone, don't omit your conjunctions. The persona discovers, through the act of falling asleep, the positive and negative attitudes towards goal setting. Retell - "The persona did _______." Frost develops his ‘sound of sense’ to convey the lethargy of the persona layering this fatigue with a reference to the skyward pointing ladder that suggests the notion of dying and going to heaven. How does this notion relate to Discovery? Frost suggests that the persona is simply tired to death and this thoughts are lost in a moment of self-indulgence as he feels the ache of physical tiredness and begins to think that his lethargy is a sign that his life may soon be over. Retell, describing the mindset of the character. The persona is physically tired and his attitude towards discovery is one of an introspective look at his life and the goals he had set for himself, this renewed perspective allows the responder to speculate that whether discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something it is emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experiencing of discovering that allow individuals to reconsider their worlds and values. This last sentence is too long, split it up for clarity!
Furthermore, The Red Tree by Shaun Tan examines how the discovery of one’s self and their world, is portrayed through interest and wonder. Shaun Tan utilizes harsh, monotone representations of the world and minimal language to reflect the protagonist’s journey of self-discovery. Good, this is the first sentence in the response where I truly believe you've completely acknowledged the composer making a choice (using a technique) to represent something to the audience. This is explored through their curiosity, as they continue to pass through the disconnected world she lives in. Retell, don't use character qualities as evidence! Searching for a sense of hope and uncovered truths, similar to the persona’s journey in Mending Wall. Sentence fragment, doesn't make sense by itself. The protagonist’s individuality is portrayed through the low angle shot of the girl and the accompanying metaphor, “the world is a deaf machine.” Good acknowledgement of techniques, what do they show about Discovery specifically?You've linked to individuality, link to Discovery. These aspects of the text, allow the viewer to witness the worlds value of conformity through the use of identical costuming and the denial of individuality, as the protagonist must hide the light bulb; a symbol of hope within her. Bit of retell at the end here. The repetition of her sorrowful facial expressions and fatigued posture, point at her insecurity and depressive nature, portraying her as a weak and inferior character. This is juxtaposed to the last scene where she has witnessed the growth of the red tree, and given hope. Her face simplistically drawn depicts a contented character. This is further emphasized by the light that shines on her, revealing that through her constant inquisitiveness she has witnessed an act of wonder. Hence, allowing her to discover herself apart of the world. Four/five sentences to reach a conclusion on Discovery is definitely too long - If you need to spend this long drawing the link there is a chance the concept isn't powerful enough? You won't have the time to do this sort of work under timed conditions! Tan successfully explores how curiosity and wonder can cause the intellectual and emotional discoveries of one’s self and their world.
Ultimately, Frost in both Mending Wall and After Apple Picking depicts through the contrast of the emotional-intellectual discovery in Mending Wall , the spiritual discovery in After Apple Picking and Tan in The Red Tree reveal the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the process of discovering. This conclusion doesn't quite bring everything together as well as I would like, not quite clear exactly what each text contributes? I think it would be worth trimming the body of your response to put a proper conclusion here.
In your response, refer to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Discoveries can offer an individual fresh insights and ideas which enable speculation about future possibilities. The significance of discoveries, whether deliberate or by chance, is relative to the measure in which it affects meaningful change in one's perception of themselves and their life. Really cool introduction! Perceptive, clever. But I'm not sure if it is linking to the question as explicitly as I would like, it definitely answers the question but it could do so more directly. Such ideas are demonstrated in the poems Mending Wall and After apple picking composed by Robert Frost. The poem, Mending Wall showcases the nature of a planned encounter with a neighbor, but through the steadfast insistence of barriers, the persona acknowledges the selfish, possessive human condition provoked by the attitude towards the process of discovering. You don't need to delve into the plot of your text, just introduce it and run through (very quickly) the themes it addresses and the perspective it communicates! In Robert Frost’s poem, “After Apple Picking”, through spiritual discovery one comes to acknowledge the unexpected moment of rejecting planned achievements and goals inherent to human life. Similarly, these concepts are explored in Shawn Tan’s illustrative publication The Red Tree. In exploring this text it is evident that discoveries change people in a range of ways, and that these changes impact how we understand ourselves and the world. Through the study of Frost’s poetry as well as Tan’s illustrative narrative, one comes to a greater understanding of the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering. Overall, a very effective introduction. I'd like your Thesis linked to the question a bit more explicitly, and you could introduce the texts more succinctly to save yourself some words.
Dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realizations enables the progression of an individual. The poem Mending Wall by Robert Frost portrays both the realization of human condition for a possessive and selfish nature, inviting the responder to make their own discovery through introspection of their own ‘walls’ and ‘barriers’. A slight expression issue in the first half of that sentence, but the idea presented is really cool - Like how the audience is included in the introduction. Works well. ‘The wall’ itself is symbolic of the barriers in society, between people. The building of the wall metaphorically symbolizes the barriers in society between different people, classes, segregation. Those two sentences say the same thing, slightly redundant? The poem questions barriers, the persona comes to the discovery that they have their strengths and weaknesses, while the neighbor holds on to the idea that they are positive. Don't explore what happens to the characters - This is retell! This challenge to the orthodox is presented through the analogy of rebuilding a boundary fence with a neighbor – ‘Good fences make good neighbors.” Slightly tending towards retell still. The repetitive rhetoric allows the responders to ruminate a ‘norm’ which is often followed thoughtlessly and lacking reason, revealing both the emotional and intellectual attitude evoked by process of discoveries, be it for the first time or rediscovering something. Analysis is good in this paragraph, but could be better, slightly too text focused!
Often, different types of discovery intertwine together and are employed by composers to provoke responders into new emotional and intellectual responses through the process of discovering. 'Composers use discovery to provoke responders to responses through discovery' - Something a bit off about this topic sentence? Frost, in Mending Wall highlights that discoveries and discovering can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. “Good fences make good neighbors”- the persona and his neighbor repeat these aphorisms toward one another. What is the technique? Remember, it isn't the persona, it is the composer who made the choice to include it. This further enhances the sense of the barrier between neighbors and the paradox in this contradictory truth elucidates that one has come to speculate about new possibilities, while the other has not. “He will not go beyond his father’s saying...good fences make good neighbors” The neighbor is perceived as simple and backward thinking. Technique? What does it show about Discovery? Frost suggests that by mindlessly repeating the cliché of his father, the neighbor is unable to think beyond what he has been told. These notions allowing both the viewer and persona to gain knowledge about themselves and their surroundings. Not much analysis in this paragraph, no techniques, more of a "This is how the characters interact and what it means. This is okay but definitely not what you are striving for!
Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Cool! Again, a good chance to explicitly say this is an example of an intellectual response, link to the question explicitly. Frost’s, After Apple Picking is a poem that draws upon the often unplanned discoveries through capturing the spiritual and intellectual acknowledgment of life and death. Good. The symbolism of the apple represents a number of life goals, including the accomplishment of knowledge, wealth, or achievements. What does it show about Discovery? Try to get to the Discovery link immediately. Yet, the tone and attitude of the persona is one of frustration and self-regret, as he discovers the futility of this repetitive act, “For I have had too much…Of apple-picking: I am overtired…Of the great harvest I myself desired”, as a result of this epiphany, the persona instead reflects upon the goals he had accomplished rather than the opportunities he missed. This sentence is definitely too long, break it up a little! “There were ten thousand thousand fruit to touch, cherish in hand, lift down, and not let fall.” Here, the metaphorical apples become objectives met, actions done, and goals achieved. I feel like your tone in this essay isn't quite right, it feels a bit like a speech or a creative - In that you are dancing around your points a little. Be direct. The metaphorical apples show the audience ____ about discovery. Therefore, his earlier epiphany serves as a catalyst towards enabling the persona to acknowledge an emotional and intellectual sense of accomplishment rather than the assumption of dejection. We're still saying, 'The character experiences this and this shows this.' We need to abstract and look at composer decisions. The persona uncovers through the process of discovery that it is the attitude towards discovery which is most essential. This conclusion exemplifies that you are too text focused - Nothing about the composer, nothing about how Discovery is represented, very much just, "The persona experiences a Discovery." At its core, this is retell.
Emotional and intellectual experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world. Good, explicit link to the question. Good stuff. In After Apple Picking, Robert Frost portrays how the impact of discoveries can be transformative for the individual. “Great harvest”, the positive connotation suggest energy and enthusiasm when slipping into sleep, the persona’s mood changes, however, with the short sentences. This sentence needs a bit of a tidy, feels very choppy and doesn't quite flow. “Went surely to the apple-cider heap” and “For all” which creates pause, to consider whether all the hard work and commitment which consumed the persona was worth the effort. What does it show about Discovery? Get straight to this immediately. The negative connotations express a feeling of failure, a sense of loss. Keep the academic tone, don't omit your conjunctions. The persona discovers, through the act of falling asleep, the positive and negative attitudes towards goal setting. Retell - "The persona did _______." Frost develops his ‘sound of sense’ to convey the lethargy of the persona layering this fatigue with a reference to the skyward pointing ladder that suggests the notion of dying and going to heaven. How does this notion relate to Discovery? Frost suggests that the persona is simply tired to death and this thoughts are lost in a moment of self-indulgence as he feels the ache of physical tiredness and begins to think that his lethargy is a sign that his life may soon be over. Retell, describing the mindset of the character. The persona is physically tired and his attitude towards discovery is one of an introspective look at his life and the goals he had set for himself, this renewed perspective allows the responder to speculate that whether discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something it is emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experiencing of discovering that allow individuals to reconsider their worlds and values. This last sentence is too long, split it up for clarity!
Furthermore, The Red Tree by Shaun Tan examines how the discovery of one’s self and their world, is portrayed through interest and wonder. Shaun Tan utilizes harsh, monotone representations of the world and minimal language to reflect the protagonist’s journey of self-discovery. Good, this is the first sentence in the response where I truly believe you've completely acknowledged the composer making a choice (using a technique) to represent something to the audience. This is explored through their curiosity, as they continue to pass through the disconnected world she lives in. Retell, don't use character qualities as evidence! Searching for a sense of hope and uncovered truths, similar to the persona’s journey in Mending Wall. Sentence fragment, doesn't make sense by itself. The protagonist’s individuality is portrayed through the low angle shot of the girl and the accompanying metaphor, “the world is a deaf machine.” Good acknowledgement of techniques, what do they show about Discovery specifically?You've linked to individuality, link to Discovery. These aspects of the text, allow the viewer to witness the worlds value of conformity through the use of identical costuming and the denial of individuality, as the protagonist must hide the light bulb; a symbol of hope within her. Bit of retell at the end here. The repetition of her sorrowful facial expressions and fatigued posture, point at her insecurity and depressive nature, portraying her as a weak and inferior character. This is juxtaposed to the last scene where she has witnessed the growth of the red tree, and given hope. Her face simplistically drawn depicts a contented character. This is further emphasized by the light that shines on her, revealing that through her constant inquisitiveness she has witnessed an act of wonder. Hence, allowing her to discover herself apart of the world. Four/five sentences to reach a conclusion on Discovery is definitely too long - If you need to spend this long drawing the link there is a chance the concept isn't powerful enough? You won't have the time to do this sort of work under timed conditions! Tan successfully explores how curiosity and wonder can cause the intellectual and emotional discoveries of one’s self and their world.
Ultimately, Frost in both Mending Wall and After Apple Picking depicts through the contrast of the emotional-intellectual discovery in Mending Wall , the spiritual discovery in After Apple Picking and Tan in The Red Tree reveal the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the process of discovering. This conclusion doesn't quite bring everything together as well as I would like, not quite clear exactly what each text contributes? I think it would be worth trimming the body of your response to put a proper conclusion here.
Overall comments:
- Effective ideas and concepts about Discovery on the whole, but they could be linked to the question more effectively at times.
- Word count is over 1300, that is very big, so you'll definitely want to trim - I think basically you want to reduce the number of paragraphs, one paragraph for each poem and one paragraph for the related, this would also achieve a better prescribed/related balance too!
- The way you are approaching your concepts right now is, "Here's what happens to the character, this is what it shows, this is how it relates to Discovery." It is a little indirect and very much "text focused." You need to be direct, and you need to step away from the text a little, focus on the composer not the persona. The persona is just a puppet.
The composer uses TECHNIQUE in QUOTE to demonstrate ________ about Discovery.
That is the sentence structure I should be seeing more of. It takes the one sentence of retell, and then the sentence linking to Discovery, and then maybe a third sentence giving extra detail, and crams it into one super powerful statement. This is what the composer wants to show about intellectual/emotional responses to Discovery, and this is how they show it.
In terms of linking sentences being stronger, it purely needs to reference the question more directly. That will keep you on track more too, keep you from talking about other themes (death, individuality) that don't necessarily answer your question :)
So in summary - Less retell, more quotes and techniques. Talk about the composer more and the persona less. Use the words from the question in your topic sentences to make sure you are answering the question. And take your paragraphs and blend them together to get one for each poem and one for your related, to achieve a better balance ;D
Post by: Daniyahasan on July 27, 2017, 12:01:26 am
Hey! Your essay is attached with feedback in bold ;DEssay with FeedbackTo what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering?
In your response, refer to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Discoveries can offer an individual fresh insights and ideas which enable speculation about future possibilities. The significance of discoveries, whether deliberate or by chance, is relative to the measure in which it affects meaningful change in one's perception of themselves and their life. Really cool introduction! Perceptive, clever. But I'm not sure if it is linking to the question as explicitly as I would like, it definitely answers the question but it could do so more directly. Such ideas are demonstrated in the poems Mending Wall and After apple picking composed by Robert Frost. The poem, Mending Wall showcases the nature of a planned encounter with a neighbor, but through the steadfast insistence of barriers, the persona acknowledges the selfish, possessive human condition provoked by the attitude towards the process of discovering. You don't need to delve into the plot of your text, just introduce it and run through (very quickly) the themes it addresses and the perspective it communicates! In Robert Frost’s poem, “After Apple Picking”, through spiritual discovery one comes to acknowledge the unexpected moment of rejecting planned achievements and goals inherent to human life. Similarly, these concepts are explored in Shawn Tan’s illustrative publication The Red Tree. In exploring this text it is evident that discoveries change people in a range of ways, and that these changes impact how we understand ourselves and the world. Through the study of Frost’s poetry as well as Tan’s illustrative narrative, one comes to a greater understanding of the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering. Overall, a very effective introduction. I'd like your Thesis linked to the question a bit more explicitly, and you could introduce the texts more succinctly to save yourself some words.
Dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realizations enables the progression of an individual. The poem Mending Wall by Robert Frost portrays both the realization of human condition for a possessive and selfish nature, inviting the responder to make their own discovery through introspection of their own ‘walls’ and ‘barriers’. A slight expression issue in the first half of that sentence, but the idea presented is really cool - Like how the audience is included in the introduction. Works well. ‘The wall’ itself is symbolic of the barriers in society, between people. The building of the wall metaphorically symbolizes the barriers in society between different people, classes, segregation. Those two sentences say the same thing, slightly redundant? The poem questions barriers, the persona comes to the discovery that they have their strengths and weaknesses, while the neighbor holds on to the idea that they are positive. Don't explore what happens to the characters - This is retell! This challenge to the orthodox is presented through the analogy of rebuilding a boundary fence with a neighbor – ‘Good fences make good neighbors.” Slightly tending towards retell still. The repetitive rhetoric allows the responders to ruminate a ‘norm’ which is often followed thoughtlessly and lacking reason, revealing both the emotional and intellectual attitude evoked by process of discoveries, be it for the first time or rediscovering something. Analysis is good in this paragraph, but could be better, slightly too text focused!
Often, different types of discovery intertwine together and are employed by composers to provoke responders into new emotional and intellectual responses through the process of discovering. 'Composers use discovery to provoke responders to responses through discovery' - Something a bit off about this topic sentence? Frost, in Mending Wall highlights that discoveries and discovering can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. “Good fences make good neighbors”- the persona and his neighbor repeat these aphorisms toward one another. What is the technique? Remember, it isn't the persona, it is the composer who made the choice to include it. This further enhances the sense of the barrier between neighbors and the paradox in this contradictory truth elucidates that one has come to speculate about new possibilities, while the other has not. “He will not go beyond his father’s saying...good fences make good neighbors” The neighbor is perceived as simple and backward thinking. Technique? What does it show about Discovery? Frost suggests that by mindlessly repeating the cliché of his father, the neighbor is unable to think beyond what he has been told. These notions allowing both the viewer and persona to gain knowledge about themselves and their surroundings. Not much analysis in this paragraph, no techniques, more of a "This is how the characters interact and what it means. This is okay but definitely not what you are striving for!
Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Cool! Again, a good chance to explicitly say this is an example of an intellectual response, link to the question explicitly. Frost’s, After Apple Picking is a poem that draws upon the often unplanned discoveries through capturing the spiritual and intellectual acknowledgment of life and death. Good. The symbolism of the apple represents a number of life goals, including the accomplishment of knowledge, wealth, or achievements. What does it show about Discovery? Try to get to the Discovery link immediately. Yet, the tone and attitude of the persona is one of frustration and self-regret, as he discovers the futility of this repetitive act, “For I have had too much…Of apple-picking: I am overtired…Of the great harvest I myself desired”, as a result of this epiphany, the persona instead reflects upon the goals he had accomplished rather than the opportunities he missed. This sentence is definitely too long, break it up a little! “There were ten thousand thousand fruit to touch, cherish in hand, lift down, and not let fall.” Here, the metaphorical apples become objectives met, actions done, and goals achieved. I feel like your tone in this essay isn't quite right, it feels a bit like a speech or a creative - In that you are dancing around your points a little. Be direct. The metaphorical apples show the audience ____ about discovery. Therefore, his earlier epiphany serves as a catalyst towards enabling the persona to acknowledge an emotional and intellectual sense of accomplishment rather than the assumption of dejection. We're still saying, 'The character experiences this and this shows this.' We need to abstract and look at composer decisions. The persona uncovers through the process of discovery that it is the attitude towards discovery which is most essential. This conclusion exemplifies that you are too text focused - Nothing about the composer, nothing about how Discovery is represented, very much just, "The persona experiences a Discovery." At its core, this is retell.
Emotional and intellectual experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world. Good, explicit link to the question. Good stuff. In After Apple Picking, Robert Frost portrays how the impact of discoveries can be transformative for the individual. “Great harvest”, the positive connotation suggest energy and enthusiasm when slipping into sleep, the persona’s mood changes, however, with the short sentences. This sentence needs a bit of a tidy, feels very choppy and doesn't quite flow. “Went surely to the apple-cider heap” and “For all” which creates pause, to consider whether all the hard work and commitment which consumed the persona was worth the effort. What does it show about Discovery? Get straight to this immediately. The negative connotations express a feeling of failure, a sense of loss. Keep the academic tone, don't omit your conjunctions. The persona discovers, through the act of falling asleep, the positive and negative attitudes towards goal setting. Retell - "The persona did _______." Frost develops his ‘sound of sense’ to convey the lethargy of the persona layering this fatigue with a reference to the skyward pointing ladder that suggests the notion of dying and going to heaven. How does this notion relate to Discovery? Frost suggests that the persona is simply tired to death and this thoughts are lost in a moment of self-indulgence as he feels the ache of physical tiredness and begins to think that his lethargy is a sign that his life may soon be over. Retell, describing the mindset of the character. The persona is physically tired and his attitude towards discovery is one of an introspective look at his life and the goals he had set for himself, this renewed perspective allows the responder to speculate that whether discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something it is emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experiencing of discovering that allow individuals to reconsider their worlds and values. This last sentence is too long, split it up for clarity!
Furthermore, The Red Tree by Shaun Tan examines how the discovery of one’s self and their world, is portrayed through interest and wonder. Shaun Tan utilizes harsh, monotone representations of the world and minimal language to reflect the protagonist’s journey of self-discovery. Good, this is the first sentence in the response where I truly believe you've completely acknowledged the composer making a choice (using a technique) to represent something to the audience. This is explored through their curiosity, as they continue to pass through the disconnected world she lives in. Retell, don't use character qualities as evidence! Searching for a sense of hope and uncovered truths, similar to the persona’s journey in Mending Wall. Sentence fragment, doesn't make sense by itself. The protagonist’s individuality is portrayed through the low angle shot of the girl and the accompanying metaphor, “the world is a deaf machine.” Good acknowledgement of techniques, what do they show about Discovery specifically?You've linked to individuality, link to Discovery. These aspects of the text, allow the viewer to witness the worlds value of conformity through the use of identical costuming and the denial of individuality, as the protagonist must hide the light bulb; a symbol of hope within her. Bit of retell at the end here. The repetition of her sorrowful facial expressions and fatigued posture, point at her insecurity and depressive nature, portraying her as a weak and inferior character. This is juxtaposed to the last scene where she has witnessed the growth of the red tree, and given hope. Her face simplistically drawn depicts a contented character. This is further emphasized by the light that shines on her, revealing that through her constant inquisitiveness she has witnessed an act of wonder. Hence, allowing her to discover herself apart of the world. Four/five sentences to reach a conclusion on Discovery is definitely too long - If you need to spend this long drawing the link there is a chance the concept isn't powerful enough? You won't have the time to do this sort of work under timed conditions! Tan successfully explores how curiosity and wonder can cause the intellectual and emotional discoveries of one’s self and their world.
Ultimately, Frost in both Mending Wall and After Apple Picking depicts through the contrast of the emotional-intellectual discovery in Mending Wall , the spiritual discovery in After Apple Picking and Tan in The Red Tree reveal the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the process of discovering. This conclusion doesn't quite bring everything together as well as I would like, not quite clear exactly what each text contributes? I think it would be worth trimming the body of your response to put a proper conclusion here.
Overall comments:
- Effective ideas and concepts about Discovery on the whole, but they could be linked to the question more effectively at times.
- Word count is over 1300, that is very big, so you'll definitely want to trim - I think basically you want to reduce the number of paragraphs, one paragraph for each poem and one paragraph for the related, this would also achieve a better prescribed/related balance too!
- The way you are approaching your concepts right now is, "Here's what happens to the character, this is what it shows, this is how it relates to Discovery." It is a little indirect and very much "text focused." You need to be direct, and you need to step away from the text a little, focus on the composer not the persona. The persona is just a puppet.
The composer uses TECHNIQUE in QUOTE to demonstrate ________ about Discovery.
That is the sentence structure I should be seeing more of. It takes the one sentence of retell, and then the sentence linking to Discovery, and then maybe a third sentence giving extra detail, and crams it into one super powerful statement. This is what the composer wants to show about intellectual/emotional responses to Discovery, and this is how they show it.
In terms of linking sentences being stronger, it purely needs to reference the question more directly. That will keep you on track more too, keep you from talking about other themes (death, individuality) that don't necessarily answer your question :)
So in summary - Less retell, more quotes and techniques. Talk about the composer more and the persona less. Use the words from the question in your topic sentences to make sure you are answering the question. And take your paragraphs and blend them together to get one for each poem and one for your related, to achieve a better balance ;D
hey Jamon,
thanks so much
ill definately take on board your feedback :)
im so glad you told me where i was wrong otherwise i thought my essay was fine and id just get a shitty mark
thank you:) :)
Post by: felixbread on July 27, 2017, 11:44:29 am
Post by: katie,rinos on July 27, 2017, 08:15:36 pm
Threads will likely be locked until Wednesday night - You can definitely post a paragraph tomorrow night before the thread locks on Friday! Won't count towards your post count :)Thanks so much Jamon!! :) Your feedback has been so helpful. I've tried to rewrite one of the paragraphs on the poems and take in all your comments as I was writing this. Could you please tell me if this has improved (it has definitely helped with the word count :D )? I'm a little concerned about my links to discovery as I think that they are a bit weak. My paragraph is about 200 words-is this an ok amount or is this too short?
Spoiler
Throughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona discovers new perspectives on the world around him, which are both emotionally and spiritually meaningful. The poem uses the form of a dramatic monologue to give a personal perspective which further allows the audience to empathise with the personas situation. The alliteration of ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’, reinforces the danger that the persona is in, expressing that discoveries may lull us into a false sense of security. This is similarly achieved through the metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’ which portrays an image of death, and shows how discoveries may be confronting and provocative. The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life, therefore showing that the persona’s discovery is spiritual meaningful (Can you find any techniques in this quote or should I just put a different quote in?). Frost use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the phrase ‘I have promises to keep’, conveying that discoveries can change an individual’s mindset therefore impacting their reaction to the discovery.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 27, 2017, 10:07:28 pm
Hi, could someone please help me with the structuring and expression of my essay to get from 14/15 to full marks? thank you!
Hey felixbread! Welcome to the forums!! Our essay marking rules, which you can read here, require 25 posts on ATAR Notes for you to get feedback for this piece. The marking threads are swamped for Trials and this is our way of prioritising ;D hope to see you posting around more!
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on July 28, 2017, 01:19:20 pm
Spoiler
In Away, the voyage of discovery begins through the act of going on holiday as part of a tradition of going away for the summer. Gwen begins as an ignorant and materialistic person, uncaring about others and reliant on social standing. This is shown through Gwen’s defensiveness of the word ‘fun,’ expressed through repetition, “Fun. Now there’s a good word. Fun. It doesn’t seem much fun.” Gwen is bitter about the idea of going on holiday for enjoyment, however, the audience realises her motive for going on a holiday, where Jim expresses Gwen’s plans “are for all of us.” Similarly, Coral begins as ignorant and isolated as a result of grief. This is expressed through a simile, depicting the effect of Coral’s grief on Roy, where he states that he “can’t go turning up at school functions with you if you’re going to behave like a ghost.” The reason for her grief is revealed as in Roy’s anger, he says that “We are not the first people in the history of the world to lose a son in war.” Despite saying she will have a “wonderful, wonderful time,” Coral remains emotionally distant from others where she keeps talking about the “high standard of living in the country.” Therefore, going on holiday begins the journey of discovery which is yet to transform Gwen and Coral.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2017, 01:20:08 pm
Thanks so much Jamon!! :) Your feedback has been so helpful. I've tried to rewrite one of the paragraphs on the poems and take in all your comments as I was writing this. Could you please tell me if this has improved (it has definitely helped with the word count :D )? I'm a little concerned about my links to discovery as I think that they are a bit weak. My paragraph is about 200 words-is this an ok amount or is this too short?
Hey! Let's take a look (200 words is a good length I think!):
Spoiler
Throughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona discovers new perspectives on the world around him, which are both emotionally and spiritually meaningful. A little text focused in the introduction, but it still establishes the theme. I think it works well! The poem uses the form of a dramatic monologue to give a personal perspective which further allows the audience to empathise with the personas situation. Excellent work there. The alliteration of ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’, reinforces the danger that the persona is in, expressing that discoveries may lull us into a false sense of security. Fabulous, could that quote be trimmed a little? This is similarly achieved through the metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’ which portrays an image of death, and shows how discoveries may be confronting and provocative. Excellent stuff. The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life, therefore showing that the persona’s discovery is spiritual meaningful (Can you find any techniques in this quote or should I just put a different quote in?). I'd go a different quote, because you've also analysed it in a very text focused way, see how you spend more time talking about the man rather than Discovery more broadly? Frost use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the phrase ‘I have promises to keep’, conveying that discoveries can change an individual’s mindset therefore impacting their reaction to the discovery. Great paragraph, make sure to conclude it! Even something simple, "Thus, it is clear how ______."
Wow, what an incredible improvement! Great work Katie, this is a fantastic paragraph. Watch that little bit of retell in the middle - Also try and include the audience impact a little more obviously now and again, is the audience made to be receptive? Does the idea challenge our perceptions? This is a nitpick though, I think this is great! ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 28, 2017, 01:29:11 pm
will this count towards my essay posts?? just need to check if i'm doing this "right" because i feel like my whole paragraph is just quotes.
Nah ;D
Spoiler
In Away, the voyage of discovery begins through the act of going on holiday as part of a tradition of going away for the summer. Gwen begins as an ignorant and materialistic person, uncaring about others and reliant on social standing. We've started with a bit of retell of the story - Try to be more conceptual and abstract. What themes are being conveyed? What perspective on Discovery? This is shown through Gwen’s defensiveness of the word ‘fun,’ expressed through repetition, “Fun. Now there’s a good word. Fun. It doesn’t seem much fun.” Gwen is bitter about the idea of going on holiday for enjoyment, however, the audience realises her motive for going on a holiday, where Jim expresses Gwen’s plans “are for all of us.” This is reading more like an analysis of the character than a Discovery paragraph - You need to be continually linking back to Discovery and linking to techniques communicating ideas to the audience! Similarly, Coral begins as ignorant and isolated as a result of grief. Retell. This is expressed through a simile, depicting the effect of Coral’s grief on Roy, where he states that he “can’t go turning up at school functions with you if you’re going to behave like a ghost.” But what does it show about Discovery? You could also trim the quote if you like, only the last few words are actually the simile. The reason for her grief is revealed as in Roy’s anger, he says that “We are not the first people in the history of the world to lose a son in war.” Technique? Despite saying she will have a “wonderful, wonderful time,” Coral remains emotionally distant from others where she keeps talking about the “high standard of living in the country.” Just as a point to make it easy to tell if you aren't analysing, if you are quoting characters without saying the composers name, chances are you are retelling! Therefore, going on holiday begins the journey of discovery which is yet to transform Gwen and Coral. This paragraph is mostly focused on retell, see below:
Okay, so I'm going to actually do something I don't normally do here - Your paragraph is heavily text focused, reads more like retell and character analysis than conceptual analysis. The ideas are hidden within but the approach needs some adjusting! ;D
I hope you don't mind me using your essay as an example katie;rinos, but this essay here exhibits the exact the same issues as your paragraph, fantasticbeasts3. What I want you to do is read that essay, read the feedback I gave it, then read this paragraph Katie submitted above. Look at how the approach was changed from text/character focused, to composer/technique focused, and how much more powerful the analysis became as a result.
It's timely - I think Katie has done an incredible job transforming her piece, and I believe your approach needs to change in exactly the same way! :)
PS - To anyone reading, if it's ever unclear why we make this feedback public, this is why. You guys can learn from each other far more effectively than you could ever learn from us ;D
Post by: katie,rinos on July 28, 2017, 03:41:03 pm
Hey! Let's take a look (200 words is a good length I think!):Thanks so much Jamon! Your feedback has helped heaps! I feel a lot more confident now! :)SpoilerThroughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona discovers new perspectives on the world around him, which are both emotionally and spiritually meaningful. A little text focused in the introduction, but it still establishes the theme. I think it works well! The poem uses the form of a dramatic monologue to give a personal perspective which further allows the audience to empathise with the personas situation. Excellent work there. The alliteration of ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’, reinforces the danger that the persona is in, expressing that discoveries may lull us into a false sense of security. Fabulous, could that quote be trimmed a little? This is similarly achieved through the metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’ which portrays an image of death, and shows how discoveries may be confronting and provocative. Excellent stuff. The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life, therefore showing that the persona’s discovery is spiritual meaningful (Can you find any techniques in this quote or should I just put a different quote in?). I'd go a different quote, because you've also analysed it in a very text focused way, see how you spend more time talking about the man rather than Discovery more broadly? Frost use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the phrase ‘I have promises to keep’, conveying that discoveries can change an individual’s mindset therefore impacting their reaction to the discovery. Great paragraph, make sure to conclude it! Even something simple, "Thus, it is clear how ______."
Wow, what an incredible improvement! Great work Katie, this is a fantastic paragraph. Watch that little bit of retell in the middle - Also try and include the audience impact a little more obviously now and again, is the audience made to be receptive? Does the idea challenge our perceptions? This is a nitpick though, I think this is great! ;D
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on July 28, 2017, 04:39:34 pm
Spoiler
The process of discovery can be a transformative experience for an individual which can be comforting or confrontational. These discoveries can challenge an individual’s past beliefs, evidenced through the play Away (1986), written by Michael Gow where one of the characters, Gwen, embarks on a journey of discovery where she questions her past values as a result of her discovery of Tom’s illness. In the film The Truman Show (1998), directed by Peter Weir, the protagonist, Truman, confronts the reality of his world, transforming him as he realises the control over his life. Therefore, both texts portray discovery as a transformative experience which can be comforting or confrontational.
In Away, discovery is portrayed as a result of planning through a holiday, as part of a traditional of going away for the summer. One of the characters, Gwen, has meticulously planned her family holiday. This is expressed where Gwen says, “Fun. Now there’s a good word. Fun. It doesn’t seem much fun,” where the use of repetition emphasises her defensiveness of the word ‘fun’ and her rigid stance on social standing, reinforcing the audience’s perception of Gwen’s emotional detachment towards other people. However, the audience and Meg discover the reasons for Gwen’s reliance on social standing when Jim explains Gwen’s past where “We planned our time. We waited. We stuck to our plans like the Bible. And we’re getting there.” The use of truncated sentences emphasises the necessity of plans, providing a renewed perception of Gwen. Another character, Coral, is overwhelmed with grief, expressed through a simile and accumulation, where Roy states that Coral “behave(s) like a ghost… wander(s) around with that smile, staring into the distance, not seeing anyone, ignoring people,” depicting Coral’s disengagement with others. Despite saying she will have a “wonderful, wonderful time” on her holiday, she remains emotionally distant from others, explored through the repetition of the “high standard of living,” portraying her inability to overcome her grief. Therefore, the planning of a holiday in Away is representative of the beginning of the journey of discovery, which is yet to renew Gwen and Coral.
In Away, discovery is portrayed as a result of planning through a holiday, as part of a traditional of going away for the summer. One of the characters, Gwen, has meticulously planned her family holiday. This is expressed where Gwen says, “Fun. Now there’s a good word. Fun. It doesn’t seem much fun,” where the use of repetition emphasises her defensiveness of the word ‘fun’ and her rigid stance on social standing, reinforcing the audience’s perception of Gwen’s emotional detachment towards other people. However, the audience and Meg discover the reasons for Gwen’s reliance on social standing when Jim explains Gwen’s past where “We planned our time. We waited. We stuck to our plans like the Bible. And we’re getting there.” The use of truncated sentences emphasises the necessity of plans, providing a renewed perception of Gwen. Another character, Coral, is overwhelmed with grief, expressed through a simile and accumulation, where Roy states that Coral “behave(s) like a ghost… wander(s) around with that smile, staring into the distance, not seeing anyone, ignoring people,” depicting Coral’s disengagement with others. Despite saying she will have a “wonderful, wonderful time” on her holiday, she remains emotionally distant from others, explored through the repetition of the “high standard of living,” portraying her inability to overcome her grief. Therefore, the planning of a holiday in Away is representative of the beginning of the journey of discovery, which is yet to renew Gwen and Coral.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 30, 2017, 10:03:15 am
hiii i'm back again 😁 i'll be sending this to a teacher anyway, i tried (key word tried) to integrate (i'm so triggered hahahah maths makes me sad) your feedback into my response, jamon, but i can't submit a full essay before 5pm because who knows how long that's going to take.
I've attached your response with feedback in bold! Mine plus your teachers should hopefully be very hopeful ;D
Spoiler
The process of discovery can be a transformative experience for an individual which can be comforting or confrontational. That sentence needs a bit of a pause I think, too much for one breath, comma in the middle somewhere? These discoveries can challenge an individual’s past beliefs, evidenced through the play Away (1986), written by Michael Gow where one of the characters, Gwen, embarks on a journey of discovery where she questions her past values as a result of her discovery of Tom’s illness. Nice introduction of text, but don't go so deep into the plot, try to just say "This is the text and these are the concepts it conveys." In the film The Truman Show (1998), directed by Peter Weir, the protagonist, Truman, confronts the reality of his world, transforming him as he realises the control over his life. Ditto here, don't be plot focused. Be concept focused. Therefore, both texts portray discovery as a transformative experience which can be comforting or confrontational. Solid introduction, perhaps the concepts could be fleshed out a bit more - What determines whether a Discovery is comforting or confrontational?
In Away, discovery is portrayed as a result of planning through a holiday, as part of a traditional of going away for the summer. See how you are saying this element of Discovery is linked to the PLOT? That is not what we are after here, we are after techniques the composer has used to represent/convey Discovery to us. One of the characters, Gwen, has meticulously planned her family holiday. Retell - Avoid retelling the story. This is expressed where Gwen says, “Fun. Now there’s a good word. Fun. It doesn’t seem much fun,” where the use of repetition emphasises her defensiveness of the word ‘fun’ and her rigid stance on social standing, reinforcing the audience’s perception of Gwen’s emotional detachment towards other people. You probably don't actually need the big version of the quote, you could just say, "The use of repetition emphasises her...", we know which word is being repeated. However, the audience and Meg discover the reasons for Gwen’s reliance on social standing when Jim explains Gwen’s past where “We planned our time. We waited. We stuck to our plans like the Bible. And we’re getting there.” Still just retelling the story here. The use of truncated sentences emphasises the necessity of plans, providing a renewed perception of Gwen. I see how you are trying to link the techniques to Discovery, but it is really still just the plot you are talking about with some techniques mixed in. Another character, Coral, is overwhelmed with grief, expressed through a simile and accumulation, where Roy states that Coral “behave(s) like a ghost… wander(s) around with that smile, staring into the distance, not seeing anyone, ignoring people,” depicting Coral’s disengagement with others. This is a little better, but we are still analysing a character rather than a theme/concept - What does this have to do with Discovery? That should be immediately clear to the marker. Despite saying she will have a “wonderful, wonderful time” on her holiday, she remains emotionally distant from others, explored through the repetition of the “high standard of living,” portraying her inability to overcome her grief. Not quite sure if this technique actually accomplishes this? Therefore, the planning of a holiday in Away is representative of the beginning of the journey of discovery, which is yet to renew Gwen and Coral. This conclusion emphasises the issue with this paragraph - You are using the plot to drive your arguments. That is not what you need to do to be analysing, you need to be saying "Here is a technique the composer has used, and this is what that technique does to represent Discovery to the audience.
In Away, discovery is portrayed as a result of planning through a holiday, as part of a traditional of going away for the summer. See how you are saying this element of Discovery is linked to the PLOT? That is not what we are after here, we are after techniques the composer has used to represent/convey Discovery to us. One of the characters, Gwen, has meticulously planned her family holiday. Retell - Avoid retelling the story. This is expressed where Gwen says, “Fun. Now there’s a good word. Fun. It doesn’t seem much fun,” where the use of repetition emphasises her defensiveness of the word ‘fun’ and her rigid stance on social standing, reinforcing the audience’s perception of Gwen’s emotional detachment towards other people. You probably don't actually need the big version of the quote, you could just say, "The use of repetition emphasises her...", we know which word is being repeated. However, the audience and Meg discover the reasons for Gwen’s reliance on social standing when Jim explains Gwen’s past where “We planned our time. We waited. We stuck to our plans like the Bible. And we’re getting there.” Still just retelling the story here. The use of truncated sentences emphasises the necessity of plans, providing a renewed perception of Gwen. I see how you are trying to link the techniques to Discovery, but it is really still just the plot you are talking about with some techniques mixed in. Another character, Coral, is overwhelmed with grief, expressed through a simile and accumulation, where Roy states that Coral “behave(s) like a ghost… wander(s) around with that smile, staring into the distance, not seeing anyone, ignoring people,” depicting Coral’s disengagement with others. This is a little better, but we are still analysing a character rather than a theme/concept - What does this have to do with Discovery? That should be immediately clear to the marker. Despite saying she will have a “wonderful, wonderful time” on her holiday, she remains emotionally distant from others, explored through the repetition of the “high standard of living,” portraying her inability to overcome her grief. Not quite sure if this technique actually accomplishes this? Therefore, the planning of a holiday in Away is representative of the beginning of the journey of discovery, which is yet to renew Gwen and Coral. This conclusion emphasises the issue with this paragraph - You are using the plot to drive your arguments. That is not what you need to do to be analysing, you need to be saying "Here is a technique the composer has used, and this is what that technique does to represent Discovery to the audience.
A little better for sure fantasticbeasts, great inclusion of techniques, but still very text focused! My comments throughout should cover my thoughts, really focus on getting rid of the plot elements and mentioning Discovery as clearly as possible!! :)
Post by: hansolo9 on August 08, 2017, 09:24:11 pm
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The Tempest Essay
Discovery is the most vital aspect of the human experience as it can lead individuals to challenge the present and reconsider the past through the power of reflection. It facilitates renewed perception of the world, which evoke emotional and intellectual discoveries based on personal memories and hindsights. This is evident in Shakespeare's "The Tempest", which highlights the intrinsic effects of reflection as a result of the passing of time in promoting forgiveness over vengeance; and in Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands, which delves into the unwillingness of society to accept changes to their uniformity due to conflicting views of discovery that lead to the inability of individuals in challenging the present. Ultimately, the transformative powers of discovery allows individuals to reconsider the past and challenge what is known in order to reform our beliefs for the better.
The valued aspect of the human experience is the power of reflection as it promotes the notion of forgiveness. In Act 1 of The Tempest, Shakespeare employs the metaphorical representation of the tempest to depict Prospero's inner turmoil as a result of his past betrayal by his own brother. Prospero's creation of the tempest is aimed to exact vengeance upon his enemies by having "mine enemies brought to this shore". The physical discovery of the island, however, acts as a catalyst for Alonso to reflect and remorse his past actions against Prospero as he blames himself for the death of his son, Ferdinand. Shakespeare's repetitive use of high modality in Alonso's dialogue "My son is gone...no, no, he is gone." elucidates the profound impact of discovery in provoking Alonso to reconsider the past and challenging the present through his guilt over Ferdinand's death. However, Prospero is also subject to the power of reflection as he uncovers the meaningless of living life in hatred as "It is in virtue of forgiveness rather than vengeance.", realising his own mortality. This clearly emphasises the extent of power that reflection possesses as it encompasses all individuals in reconsidering the past and challenging what is known through transformative process of discovery.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 08, 2017, 11:05:52 pm
I start my trials tomorrow with English, and would like some feedback on my discovery essay (intro+1st body). Thanks :)
Some super quick pointers (try and give us a bit more notice than the night before if you want something substantial!) ;D
- Thesis feels the slightest bit vague, make sure you tailor it to whatever question is in front of you tomorrow!
- Introduction of texts is nice, analytic and conceptual, good work there.
- Your analysis is quite text focused and slipping a bit into retell at times, try not to talk about what is happening in the text, talk about what we learn about Discovery in a broader sense (not just about the characters, remember they are puppets!)
- Make sure your text references always have a technique attached to them
Good luck for tomorrow! ;D
Post by: Daniyahasan on August 14, 2017, 07:58:22 pm
so if we want to get something marked is it still 25 posts?
Post by: Natasha.97 on August 14, 2017, 08:04:33 pm
hey guys,
so if we want to get something marked is it still 25 posts?
Yep! It's a permanent change that was made after Trials :)
Post by: Daniyahasan on August 14, 2017, 08:27:44 pm
Yep! It's a permanent change that was made after Trials :)
oh okay thanks :)
Post by: kb123 on September 03, 2017, 04:46:17 pm
Hey kb! I definitely can, essay is attached with feedback in bold:SpoilerAn individual, through the process of discovery, has the potential to undergo profound development as their previous values and beliefs are challenged, and when they adapt to new experiences, expose previously concealed truths. Excellent introductory sentence. You'd want to make sure these broad ideas are honed into the specific question at hand. These revelations may be indicated in numerous ways, spontaneously or due to the nature of an individual’s environment, posing challenges from the outset which dictate the discovery process and subsequently, confronting situations may arise. Although these situations can challenge an individual, they inevitably lead to new understandings of both themselves and the world. Such ideas are demonstrated in Ernesto Guevara’s memoir “The Motorcycle Diaries” (2003) and Franz Kafka’s novella “Metamorphosis” (1912). Good introduction, provided you are ready to hone it in to whatever question you ask. I'd also like to see you go into the specific messages the composers of these texts are conveying to their audiences - You've gone over the ideas conceptually/broadly, a little breakdown of the purpose of each composer could be beneficial. Overall, excellent work :)
Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Tops. Guevara’s realisation of widespread suffering, entrenched poverty and its destructive impact is elucidated in his exploration of the “graveyards of the mines”, metaphorically and physically symbolising the hardships faced by the proletariat, enabling the expansion of his world views. Nice amplification, links the idea nicely to the text in a very thematic/composer driven way, rather than plot. Nice. Similarly, when Guevara is confronted with the symptomatic deformation of disease in Columbia’s native population, “like a scene from a modern drama”, the observational simile further develops the brutality of South American living conditions. Great work integrating the quote into your idea, hard to do! The epiphanic tone in “it is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness, that he longs for change”, spotlights the development of Guevara’s moral principle and alighted sense of duty to make meaningful change. The construction of Guevara’s new value system based on fresh knowledge and understanding spurred the rectification of his past beliefs, conveyed when he ironically states “they were in love with Uncle Sam”, demonstrating Guevara’s loss of ignorance to the exploitive and damaging influence of the US on Latin America. Be sure to be making links back to what the audience learns about Discovery more broadly - You are analysing the intents of the composer brilliantly, be sure to link to the greater understanding the audience gains on Discovery, in a broader sense (beyond the context of the text). The animal imagery in “the bestial howl of the triumphant proletariat” further symbolises Guevara’s conclusive embracement of socialist ideology and contingent solidification of his developed beliefs and values. Harrowing experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world. This conclusion seems a little disjointed from the rest of the paragraph, try adjusting a tad: "Thus, it is clear how Guevrara conveys... (insert the idea you mention here).
Contrary to Guevara’s epiphanic transformation in his viewpoints, Gregor’s emotional discoveries lead to the development of pessimistic perceptions of himself. Be careful, you have swapped to talking about a character rather than a composer. You are shifting slightly into retell - Try to focus on the composer primarily. The symbolism of “Gregor pull(ing) the sheet down lower” represents the protagonist’s decreasing level of self-respect revealed to be a consequence of his metamorphosis, whereby Gregor’s resentment of his family, a synecdoche for society as whole, catalyses his isolation from mankind. Good analysis again, but again, what does the audience realise about Discovery more broadly? There needs to be impact beyond the specifics of the texts context and characters. The stark contrast in tone in the family’s beliefs, at first concerned and then hateful “they were ready to help him”/“Gregor has to go,” instigates Gregor’s “conviction… that he would have to disappear”, the high modality language spotlighting Gregor’s realisation of the emptiness of humanity due to their opposition to individuals unfit to play a role in society because of their circumstance. That sentence a tad too long I think, be careful you don't try and do too much at once! Unlike Guevara, who embraced environmental challenges, Gregor denigrates his self-worth due to his inability to communicate with humanity, exposing the detrimental impact of his realisation of mankind’s unforgiving nature. Sort of retell, you are discussing a characters feelings and actions - The character is a construct of Kafka's, don't treat that character as a conscious entity. The reflective mood in “He remained in this state of empty and peaceful reflection...” at the novella’s denouncement illustrates Gregor’s obtainment of a new understanding to what satisfies him through the destruction of self for the desires of society, directing the protagonist in changing his view of life to achieve self-peace. Gregor and Guevara’s contrasting transformations in perceptions elucidate the way confronting realisations may instigate a process of differing self-assessments, catalysing the development of new values. Good analysis and comparisons between texts, but a tad too character focused. You should NEVER go a paragraph without mentioning the composer's name!
Consequently, retrospection upon the accumulation of past didactic experiences invigorates personal epiphanies and thus encourages the process of transformation. Another excellent conceptual start. Be sure you have room to adjust these to a question! The radicalisation of Guevara’s personal philosophy catalysed by the conglomeration of realisations is highlighted by the reflective tone of his thoughts concerning the dying woman in La Gioconda: “it is there, that one comprehends the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat”. Be careful using plot elements as evidence, I know it isn't really here, but you could have used the technique and quote here without the plot detail if you catch me. Such reoccurring bildungsroman qualities of the memoir elucidate the maturation of Guevara’s thinking, the metaphor “I was a child of my environment” acknowledging his moral growth catalysed by his experiences. What does this show the audience more broadly? Thus, Guevara’s exposure to penury and exploitation of the marginalised social castes transforms him from a “dreamer” to a “revolutionary” political leader. Careful, this is retell! You've not linked to anything conceptual, you've just said what happens to the character. The juxtaposition of the gustatory imagery “savour” with the olfactory “acrid” in “savours the acrid smell of gunpowder and blood” creates a discomforting synaesthesia to accentuate his new devotion to the “people”, a metonym for the marginalised class in need of social justice. Guevara’s greatest epiphany is revealed in the vignette “tarata, the new world”, where after being confronted by the poverty of the Peruvians, he is emancipated from ignorance and political apathy, faced instead with metaphysical exhaustion symbolised by him being “frozen solid”, to be finally “welcomed with such friendliness” by strangers that changed him irreversibly. Bit of retell at the end here too. External discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges, experiences, and values. Again, a little too text focused in this paragraph, and retell is starting to become more prominent in this paragraph as well - Be careful!
Furthermore, dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realisations enables both the progression and destruction of an individual. Be careful to link to your related text, don't just jump into the analysis assuming we'll follow. The rhetorical question “Did he really want the warm room… transformed into a lair?” signifies the inner conflict between Gregor’s human and insect instincts, elucidating how Gregor’s agonising experience of seclusion transforms his understanding of his own identity, no longer being able to classify himself as a constituent of humanity. See how you are analysing the character, a construct of the composer, rather than expanding into a broader consequence/understanding for the audience? The double entendre of “clean” in “everything was much too deep for him to have scrubbed himself clean”, depicts Gregor’s deterioration of his self-value and priorities of life as a result of his alienation from society, the dismal mood created further emphasising the demoralising impact of his personal discovery regarding the triviality of his existence. You don't need to identify the specific word related to a technique in a larger quote, you can just say "the double entendre in...". In contrast to Guevara’s conclusive transformation into a revolutionary, “Gregor shut himself off altogether”, symbolising how the seclusion Gregor experiences leads to his eventual downfall, revealing the duality of discovery as both a catalyst in the instigation of further realisations or a liquidator of individuals’ ambition to discover. THIS is what I need you to be doing with your analysis, linking to Discovery more broadly, this sentence particularly is just missing a proper technique. Intensified by its relevance to one’s own context, discovery is inordinately powerful by leading to both new understandings and destroying untainted comprehensions of the self and the world.
Ultimately, the loss of ignorance by the attainment of new values and confronting knowledge influences one’s interpretation of the world, new judgements being developed through the unearthing of unfamiliar ideas and perspectives. However, whether a resultant transformation is advantageous or injurious, an individual will nevertheless be affected profoundly and irreversibly by their journey of discovery of the world. Nice bare bones conclusion, manipulate to the question to be most effective of course :)
I think this is definitely a strong essay kb! Sophisticated ideas, effective structure, and it seems like you've got wiggle room for different questions - Great! My biggest feedback would be to watch for being too text focused - Always link to broader Discovery related concepts, not just focus on the text specifically! ;D my comments throughout go into more detail on that and highlight a few other little nitpicks!
Is this a 15/15 if it answers the question well? Maybe, but I personally don't think so, I'd say you are in the 13/15 area right now, perhaps 14? It depends hugely on the question - But I'd want you to start adjusting your analytical style to be more abstract, and less text/plot/character focused, to start getting to 15/15 (in my opinion, of course) ;D
Thank you so much for the feedback! Sorry for replying so late, i was just super busy aha
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 03, 2017, 04:48:24 pm
Thank you so much for the feedback! Sorry for replying so late, i was just super busy aha
aha no stress!! Good to have you back online ;D
Post by: kb123 on September 03, 2017, 04:50:25 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 03, 2017, 04:51:56 pm
hi again, I was just wondering how many more posts i have to do to be eligible to send another piece for marking?
85 :)
Post by: kb123 on September 03, 2017, 04:57:32 pm
Here is an example of what I mean:
External discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges and values.
VS.
Thus, Guevara’s textual representation of his discovery process articulates how external discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges and values.
sorry i have a lot of questions at the moment.... since i am trying to fix up my essays before the hsc...
I need a technique for this quote:
"Gregor shut himself off"
I anyone has any ideas let me know! :)
Mod Edit: Post merge, you can add to your previous post if no one has answered it yet by using the 'Modify' button, to avoid double posting :)
Post by: kaut2061 on September 03, 2017, 11:12:29 pm
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 04, 2017, 05:21:22 pm
also for the linking sentences in Discovery essays, should we include the author and text somehow or can we just make a broad statement about discovery that was represented by the text?
Here is an example of what I mean:
External discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges and values.
VS.
Thus, Guevara’s textual representation of his discovery process articulates how external discoveries stimulate the attainment of internal conclusions through a transformative process of reckoning with challenges and values.
sorry i have a lot of questions at the moment.... since i am trying to fix up my essays before the hsc...
I need a technique for this quote:
"Gregor shut himself off"
I anyone has any ideas let me know! :)
Mod Edit: Post merge, you can add to your previous post if no one has answered it yet by using the 'Modify' button, to avoid double posting :)
Your first question there -
The example you've given me kind of says to me that your first sentence would be the "linking" sentence you refer to, but the wording of the second sentence is really great, and you could use this as a sentence to end the paragraph before moving on to the next idea, I think!
I might need to see this in context to be 100% sure, though!
For the technique...it's a short sentence. Also, this is a reflexive statement. "Shut himself off."Another example of a reflexive statement is: "I got myself dressed." It's where the pronoun does something to itself - so I'd say this adds emphasis to the action by internalising it. He shut himself off - no one shut him off except him.
Post by: Opengangs on September 04, 2017, 05:36:34 pm
To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal the way that discoveries can lead us to reassess values and see the world in new ways?
The powerful nature of discovery establishes a profound change and reassessment of values within the individual. Moreover, the values they possess are not static, but rather transformed through new perspectives and ideas. These ideas are exemplified through Ernesto "Che" Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries (1994), and Jorge Luis Borges’ elegy, O Destiny Of Borges, through the serendipitous nature of discovery and rediscovery. Ultimately, it is through the growth of the individual that the nature of discovery allows individuals to reassess their worth and see the world with new eyes.
The perception and nature of discovery is ultimately fertilised by an individual’s ideas, changed and transformed over time. It is through Che Guevara’s perspective that highlight the impacts of unexpected discoveries on the individual, and it is through this that individuals, like Guevara, begin to see the world with new eyes. Explored in The Motorcycle Diaries, the juxtaposition of tone between his opening vignette entry "so we understand each other" and his successive entries frames the text as a "discovery that becomes one of self-discovery". The metaphor and metonymy of “his feet touching [touched] Argentine soil again" reflects on Guevara’s transformation both, spiritually and mentally, inviting the audience to reflect on their own ideas of their world. His invitation is further enhanced by the use of inclusive pronouns as Guevara “leave(s) you now, with myself, the man I used to be…”, inducing the audience to experience his discoveries. Yet, his transformation is ultimately impelled by the physical discoveries of his journey around “our America with a big A”. The physical “discovery of the ocean” is personified as a “confidant; a friend absorbing all it is told and never revealing those secrets”, highlighting the impacts of a physical discovery to a spiritual realm. To Guevara, the ocean is portrayed as his spiritual transformation, leading individuals to re-establish their view of the world. As a result, the values Guevara encompass are changed and transformed through experiences. Only through experiences and journeys do individuals begin to reassess their values and view of the world.
Similarly, it is through new places and environments that individuals begin to stimulate new ideas and values, reassessing these ideas, and finally seeing the world in new ways. Through a stimulation of new worlds “of Edinburgh, of Zurich, of the two Cordobas”, Borges conveys discovery as one that is ever changing in both, its social and historical context. Borges accentuates the nature of discovery through the contrast, polysyndeton, and listing between contexts of “Colombia and of Texas” to “Andalucia, to Portugal”, demonstrating new perspectives of discoveries through the changes in context. Borges employment of metaphor “to have grown old in so many mirrors” reinstates that the nature of discovery is merely of an individual’s perspective. The symbolic nature of the “mirror” illustrates changing perspectives, and the exaggeration of ageing through the “growing [grown] old in so many mirrors” exemplify experiences of discoveries as one that is ever changing to the integrity of the individual. The repetition of the title, “Oh destiny of Borges”, highlights and frames the text as a discovery that in itself becomes a self-discovery; the play of time as the phrase is repeated at the end of the text symbolises an inner discovery of an individual, emphasising powers of self-worth and thus, recounts the discovery aspect as an ever changing process. It is through this notion that Borges highlights the need for new experiences and places to impel these notions of discovery on the individual, and it is through these new eyes that Borges accentuates the true worth of an individual’s values.
Ultimately, however, it is up to the individual to impel discoveries on themselves. The notion of reassessment of values stems from the necessities for individuals to be curious. Guevara’s journey of discoveries stem from his curiosity to explore South America. His values are transformed and changed through the serendipitous nature of discovery, impelled by his curiosity. The harsh description of the landscape through his sick state of mind as “his[my] head was like a drum hammering out strange rhythms” is contrasted with the vibrant landscape in his entry “dear mama”, describing the scenery as the “current [had] carried us toward the bank and some half-submerged branches nearly caused the raft to capsize”, highlighting his transforming worldview of South America. However, it is not just his mentality that is changed throughout the arduous journey; his state of emotion is transformed throughout the memoir. The “monotonous business of chasing visas” is exaggerated to accentuate his need to impel the nature of discovery and rediscovery on himself, inviting the audience to highlight his transformative desire through discoveries. Guevara’s description of the discovery of the ocean to both, himself and Granado, highlights the differing perspectives of discovery that stems from the curious minds of both travellers. The reaction of Granado’s discovery of the ocean as “a new, strangely perturbing sight” is vastly different to that of Guevara’s, who sees the ocean as a “confidant”, highlighting different perspectives of the same discovery. This, in turn, demonstrates the different perspectives that discovery can impel to individuals; through one object of discovery, many forms of discoveries can be revealed, demonstrating values that can be progressively reassessed over a longer period of time.
However, individuals can also impel discoveries on themselves through the re-experiences of the same journey, resulting in different perspectives of the same discovery. Borges demonstrates a desire to rediscover journeys through the listing and “questioning [questioned] of lithographs, encyclopedias, atlases”. Like Guevara, Borges highlights the desire to question their discoveries, resulting in a changed perception. The categorical listing of the scholarly books of encyclopedias and atlases demonstrates an intellectual discovery, while the categorical listing of “Andalucia, of the two Cordobas” convey a geographical discovery. Borges uses this notion of listing throughout the poem to emphasise the nature of discovery as one that is not obsolete to the individual, but rather it is a transformative process to the individual. The re-experiences of these discoveries are portrayed through the framing of the text, suggesting that the text is primarily an internal discovery. The description of the landscape as “the sluggish dawn, the plains” reinforce values as a purely transformative process, catalysed by the discoveries and rediscoveries within the individual. It is, then, through the progression of transformative means that individuals begin to appreciate the nature of discoveries, revealed through the shift of view within the individual, and through this shift in perception, individuals begin to view the world in new ways. Only then will pre-existing values be reassessed over a gradual period of time.
Within individuals, the nature of individuals is an ever changing process; it starts with a pre-existing idea and perception that is then moulded and transformed through experiences and new worlds. Moreover, the fertility and growth of the individual stems from their ability to reassess and challenge their pre-existing notions, in which the worldview of the individuals is evolved. Explored throughout Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries (1994) and Jorge Luis Borges’ elegy Oh Destiny of Borges, this idea becomes an integral element to the growth of the individuals, challenging notions within their respective worlds. It is through this fertility that individuals then begin to stimulate new ideas and ways to see the world with different lens, with the intention of reassessing old values.
I fear that my analysis isn't detailed enough and sustained.
Thanks!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 04, 2017, 05:52:12 pm
Im new to this website, and I am in desperate need as my trial marks were disgusting and my teacher isn't the greatest at marking and sending feed back. Can someone please help me! I've put my essay in the attachment below
Hey, welcome to the site! Thanks for posting your response, you need 25 posts on the site to qualify for feedback from one of the markers. One of your peers might be able to take a look in the meantime! ;D
The essay marking rules are here, for reference! ;D
Post by: DalvinT on September 04, 2017, 06:04:44 pm
I would like to have my essay marked the last time haha. Need to get started on using a "polished" essay as my framework for all my practice essays :P
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 08, 2017, 12:05:38 am
I would like feedback on my AoS essay.
I fear that my analysis isn't detailed enough and sustained.
Thanks!
Hey hey, sure thing my friend!! Essay is attached with comments throughout ;D
Spoiler
To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal the way that discoveries can lead us to reassess values and see the world in new ways?
The powerful nature of discovery establishes a profound change and reassessment of values within the individual. Moreover, the values they possess are not static, but rather transformed through new perspectives and ideas. I feel like these two sentences are sort of saying the same thing? Discovery causes values to change. Values are changed through new perspectives. Feels a little awkward to me. These ideas are exemplified through Ernesto "Che" Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries (1994), and Jorge Luis Borges’ elegy, O Destiny Of Borges, through the serendipitous nature of discovery and rediscovery. Ultimately, it is through the growth of the individual that the nature of discovery allows individuals to reassess their worth and see the world with new eyes. Nice introduction on the whole. Leads with the concept and lets the text be the guide, not the other way around. Good work.
The perception and nature of discovery is ultimately fertilised by an individual’s ideas, changed and transformed over time. Good. It is through Che Guevara’s perspective that highlight the impacts of unexpected discoveries on the individual, and it is through this that individuals, like Guevara, begin to see the world with new eyes. Slightly awkward phrasing at the start there, and be careful you aren't being too text focused in how you present your concept. Right on the borderline right now. Explored in The Motorcycle Diaries, the juxtaposition of tone between his opening vignette entry "so we understand each other" and his successive entries frames the text as a "discovery that becomes one of self-discovery". The metaphor and metonymy of “his feet touching [touched] Argentine soil again" reflects on Guevara’s transformation both, spiritually and mentally, inviting the audience to reflect on their own ideas of their world. Good work connecting to the audience and the ideas of the question there, excellent work. His invitation is further enhanced by the use of inclusive pronouns as Guevara “leave(s) you now, with myself, the man I used to be…”, inducing the audience to experience his discoveries. Yet, his transformation is ultimately impelled by the physical discoveries of his journey around “our America with a big A”. The physical “discovery of the ocean” is personified as a “confidant; a friend absorbing all it is told and never revealing those secrets”, highlighting the impacts of a physical discovery to a spiritual realm. To Guevara, the ocean is portrayed as his spiritual transformation, leading individuals to re-establish their view of the world. Excellent. As a result, the values Guevara encompass are changed and transformed through experiences. Only through experiences and journeys do individuals begin to reassess their values and view of the world. A very solid analytical paragraph, you've delved into the intent and impact of the techniques extremely well. Make sure you aren't focusing too heavily on the text and persona, and drawing wider implications (which you did do on several occasions). Also be sure that your concepts stay completely on track with your topic sentence and don't wander!
Similarly, it is through new places and environments that individuals begin to stimulate new ideas and values, reassessing these ideas, and finally seeing the world in new ways. Good - Simple concept. Through a stimulation of new worlds “of Edinburgh, of Zurich, of the two Cordobas”, Borges conveys discovery as one that is ever changing in both, its social and historical context. Borges accentuates the nature of discovery through the contrast, polysyndeton, and listing between contexts of “Colombia and of Texas” to “Andalucia, to Portugal”, demonstrating new perspectives of discoveries through the changes in context. What is the nature? What are the new perspectives? Watch for sweeping statements like these. Borges employment of metaphor “to have grown old in so many mirrors” reinstates that the nature of discovery is merely of an individual’s perspective. The symbolic nature of the “mirror” illustrates changing perspectives, and the exaggeration of ageing through the “growing [grown] old in so many mirrors” exemplify experiences of discoveries as one that is ever changing to the integrity of the individual. This second sentence does an excellent job explaining what you mean by the one before it - If you could blend those last two sentences together, it would flow far more effectively. The repetition of the title, “Oh destiny of Borges”, highlights and frames the text as a discovery that in itself becomes a self-discovery; the play of time as the phrase is repeated at the end of the text symbolises an inner discovery of an individual, emphasising powers of self-worth and thus, recounts the discovery aspect as an ever changing process. Watch for sentences like this that are getting slightly too long - Don't be afraid to split up sentences where it needs it, just the same as joining them where it needs it. It is through this notion that Borges highlights the need for new experiences and places to impel these notions of discovery on the individual, and it is through these new eyes that Borges accentuates the true worth of an individual’s values.
Ultimately, however, it is up to the individual to impel discoveries on themselves. The notion of reassessment of values stems from the necessities for individuals to be curious. What are some of these necessities? Seems a little bit vague/confusing the way you've stated this right now. Guevara’s journey of discoveries stem from his curiosity to explore South America. His values are transformed and changed through the serendipitous nature of discovery, impelled by his curiosity. The harsh description of the landscape through his sick state of mind as “his[my] head was like a drum hammering out strange rhythms” is contrasted with the vibrant landscape in his entry “dear mama”, describing the scenery as the “current [had] carried us toward the bank and some half-submerged branches nearly caused the raft to capsize”, highlighting his transforming worldview of South America. Good work! Watch the length of your quotes, I reckon you could make them shorter and still communicate the same idea just as effectively. However, it is not just his mentality that is changed throughout the arduous journey; his state of emotion is transformed throughout the memoir. Watch for describing changes in the persona - This isn't contributing to your argument because you need to focus on concepts communicated to the audience, not changes in the characters/personalities that deliver those concepts. The “monotonous business of chasing visas” is exaggerated to accentuate his need to impel the nature of discovery and rediscovery on himself, inviting the audience to highlight his transformative desire through discoveries. Guevara’s description of the discovery of the ocean to both, himself and Granado, highlights the differing perspectives of discovery that stems from the curious minds of both travellers. The reaction of Granado’s discovery of the ocean as “a new, strangely perturbing sight” is vastly different to that of Guevara’s, who sees the ocean as a “confidant”, highlighting different perspectives of the same discovery. Careful, we are slipping a little into retell here. This, in turn, demonstrates the different perspectives that discovery can impel to individuals; through one object of discovery, many forms of discoveries can be revealed, demonstrating values that can be progressively reassessed over a longer period of time. This is a weaker paragraph analytically; there is a bit of retell at the end and the concepts aren't quite as clear to me as they should be. Work on simplicity, and ensure your concept is carried through - The idea of curiosity isn't really brought up after those first few sentences!
However, individuals can also impel discoveries on themselves through the re-experiences of the same journey, resulting in different perspectives of the same discovery. Slightly awkward wording there. Borges demonstrates a desire to rediscover journeys through the listing and “questioning [questioned] of lithographs, encyclopedias, atlases”. How does this listing accentuate the desire to rediscover journeys? Try and draw specific links between the technique and the impact. Like Guevara, Borges highlights the desire to question their discoveries, resulting in a changed perception. The categorical listing of the scholarly books of encyclopedias and atlases demonstrates an intellectual discovery, while the categorical listing of “Andalucia, of the two Cordobas” convey a geographical discovery. Borges uses this notion of listing throughout the poem to emphasise the nature of discovery as one that is not obsolete to the individual, but rather it is a transformative process to the individual. Again, not quite seeing how listing accentuates a transformative process. The re-experiences of these discoveries are portrayed through the framing of the text, suggesting that the text is primarily an internal discovery. The description of the landscape as “the sluggish dawn, the plains” reinforce values as a purely transformative process, catalysed by the discoveries and rediscoveries within the individual. Not quite following this concept, 'values' as a transformative process? Aren't values affected by the transformative process? It is, then, through the progression of transformative means that individuals begin to appreciate the nature of discoveries, revealed through the shift of view within the individual, and through this shift in perception, individuals begin to view the world in new ways. Only then will pre-existing values be reassessed over a gradual period of time.
Within individuals, the nature of individuals is an ever changing process; it starts with a pre-existing idea and perception that is then moulded and transformed through experiences and new worlds. The 'nature of individuals is an ever changing process,' doesn't quite make sense. The nature of individuals might be ever changing, but it isn't a process. Moreover, the fertility and growth of the individual stems from their ability to reassess and challenge their pre-existing notions, in which the worldview of the individuals is evolved. Explored throughout Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries (1994) and Jorge Luis Borges’ elegy Oh Destiny of Borges, this idea becomes an integral element to the growth of the individuals, challenging notions within their respective worlds. It is through this fertility that individuals then begin to stimulate new ideas and ways to see the world with different lens, with the intention of reassessing old values.
The powerful nature of discovery establishes a profound change and reassessment of values within the individual. Moreover, the values they possess are not static, but rather transformed through new perspectives and ideas. I feel like these two sentences are sort of saying the same thing? Discovery causes values to change. Values are changed through new perspectives. Feels a little awkward to me. These ideas are exemplified through Ernesto "Che" Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries (1994), and Jorge Luis Borges’ elegy, O Destiny Of Borges, through the serendipitous nature of discovery and rediscovery. Ultimately, it is through the growth of the individual that the nature of discovery allows individuals to reassess their worth and see the world with new eyes. Nice introduction on the whole. Leads with the concept and lets the text be the guide, not the other way around. Good work.
The perception and nature of discovery is ultimately fertilised by an individual’s ideas, changed and transformed over time. Good. It is through Che Guevara’s perspective that highlight the impacts of unexpected discoveries on the individual, and it is through this that individuals, like Guevara, begin to see the world with new eyes. Slightly awkward phrasing at the start there, and be careful you aren't being too text focused in how you present your concept. Right on the borderline right now. Explored in The Motorcycle Diaries, the juxtaposition of tone between his opening vignette entry "so we understand each other" and his successive entries frames the text as a "discovery that becomes one of self-discovery". The metaphor and metonymy of “his feet touching [touched] Argentine soil again" reflects on Guevara’s transformation both, spiritually and mentally, inviting the audience to reflect on their own ideas of their world. Good work connecting to the audience and the ideas of the question there, excellent work. His invitation is further enhanced by the use of inclusive pronouns as Guevara “leave(s) you now, with myself, the man I used to be…”, inducing the audience to experience his discoveries. Yet, his transformation is ultimately impelled by the physical discoveries of his journey around “our America with a big A”. The physical “discovery of the ocean” is personified as a “confidant; a friend absorbing all it is told and never revealing those secrets”, highlighting the impacts of a physical discovery to a spiritual realm. To Guevara, the ocean is portrayed as his spiritual transformation, leading individuals to re-establish their view of the world. Excellent. As a result, the values Guevara encompass are changed and transformed through experiences. Only through experiences and journeys do individuals begin to reassess their values and view of the world. A very solid analytical paragraph, you've delved into the intent and impact of the techniques extremely well. Make sure you aren't focusing too heavily on the text and persona, and drawing wider implications (which you did do on several occasions). Also be sure that your concepts stay completely on track with your topic sentence and don't wander!
Similarly, it is through new places and environments that individuals begin to stimulate new ideas and values, reassessing these ideas, and finally seeing the world in new ways. Good - Simple concept. Through a stimulation of new worlds “of Edinburgh, of Zurich, of the two Cordobas”, Borges conveys discovery as one that is ever changing in both, its social and historical context. Borges accentuates the nature of discovery through the contrast, polysyndeton, and listing between contexts of “Colombia and of Texas” to “Andalucia, to Portugal”, demonstrating new perspectives of discoveries through the changes in context. What is the nature? What are the new perspectives? Watch for sweeping statements like these. Borges employment of metaphor “to have grown old in so many mirrors” reinstates that the nature of discovery is merely of an individual’s perspective. The symbolic nature of the “mirror” illustrates changing perspectives, and the exaggeration of ageing through the “growing [grown] old in so many mirrors” exemplify experiences of discoveries as one that is ever changing to the integrity of the individual. This second sentence does an excellent job explaining what you mean by the one before it - If you could blend those last two sentences together, it would flow far more effectively. The repetition of the title, “Oh destiny of Borges”, highlights and frames the text as a discovery that in itself becomes a self-discovery; the play of time as the phrase is repeated at the end of the text symbolises an inner discovery of an individual, emphasising powers of self-worth and thus, recounts the discovery aspect as an ever changing process. Watch for sentences like this that are getting slightly too long - Don't be afraid to split up sentences where it needs it, just the same as joining them where it needs it. It is through this notion that Borges highlights the need for new experiences and places to impel these notions of discovery on the individual, and it is through these new eyes that Borges accentuates the true worth of an individual’s values.
Ultimately, however, it is up to the individual to impel discoveries on themselves. The notion of reassessment of values stems from the necessities for individuals to be curious. What are some of these necessities? Seems a little bit vague/confusing the way you've stated this right now. Guevara’s journey of discoveries stem from his curiosity to explore South America. His values are transformed and changed through the serendipitous nature of discovery, impelled by his curiosity. The harsh description of the landscape through his sick state of mind as “his[my] head was like a drum hammering out strange rhythms” is contrasted with the vibrant landscape in his entry “dear mama”, describing the scenery as the “current [had] carried us toward the bank and some half-submerged branches nearly caused the raft to capsize”, highlighting his transforming worldview of South America. Good work! Watch the length of your quotes, I reckon you could make them shorter and still communicate the same idea just as effectively. However, it is not just his mentality that is changed throughout the arduous journey; his state of emotion is transformed throughout the memoir. Watch for describing changes in the persona - This isn't contributing to your argument because you need to focus on concepts communicated to the audience, not changes in the characters/personalities that deliver those concepts. The “monotonous business of chasing visas” is exaggerated to accentuate his need to impel the nature of discovery and rediscovery on himself, inviting the audience to highlight his transformative desire through discoveries. Guevara’s description of the discovery of the ocean to both, himself and Granado, highlights the differing perspectives of discovery that stems from the curious minds of both travellers. The reaction of Granado’s discovery of the ocean as “a new, strangely perturbing sight” is vastly different to that of Guevara’s, who sees the ocean as a “confidant”, highlighting different perspectives of the same discovery. Careful, we are slipping a little into retell here. This, in turn, demonstrates the different perspectives that discovery can impel to individuals; through one object of discovery, many forms of discoveries can be revealed, demonstrating values that can be progressively reassessed over a longer period of time. This is a weaker paragraph analytically; there is a bit of retell at the end and the concepts aren't quite as clear to me as they should be. Work on simplicity, and ensure your concept is carried through - The idea of curiosity isn't really brought up after those first few sentences!
However, individuals can also impel discoveries on themselves through the re-experiences of the same journey, resulting in different perspectives of the same discovery. Slightly awkward wording there. Borges demonstrates a desire to rediscover journeys through the listing and “questioning [questioned] of lithographs, encyclopedias, atlases”. How does this listing accentuate the desire to rediscover journeys? Try and draw specific links between the technique and the impact. Like Guevara, Borges highlights the desire to question their discoveries, resulting in a changed perception. The categorical listing of the scholarly books of encyclopedias and atlases demonstrates an intellectual discovery, while the categorical listing of “Andalucia, of the two Cordobas” convey a geographical discovery. Borges uses this notion of listing throughout the poem to emphasise the nature of discovery as one that is not obsolete to the individual, but rather it is a transformative process to the individual. Again, not quite seeing how listing accentuates a transformative process. The re-experiences of these discoveries are portrayed through the framing of the text, suggesting that the text is primarily an internal discovery. The description of the landscape as “the sluggish dawn, the plains” reinforce values as a purely transformative process, catalysed by the discoveries and rediscoveries within the individual. Not quite following this concept, 'values' as a transformative process? Aren't values affected by the transformative process? It is, then, through the progression of transformative means that individuals begin to appreciate the nature of discoveries, revealed through the shift of view within the individual, and through this shift in perception, individuals begin to view the world in new ways. Only then will pre-existing values be reassessed over a gradual period of time.
Within individuals, the nature of individuals is an ever changing process; it starts with a pre-existing idea and perception that is then moulded and transformed through experiences and new worlds. The 'nature of individuals is an ever changing process,' doesn't quite make sense. The nature of individuals might be ever changing, but it isn't a process. Moreover, the fertility and growth of the individual stems from their ability to reassess and challenge their pre-existing notions, in which the worldview of the individuals is evolved. Explored throughout Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries (1994) and Jorge Luis Borges’ elegy Oh Destiny of Borges, this idea becomes an integral element to the growth of the individuals, challenging notions within their respective worlds. It is through this fertility that individuals then begin to stimulate new ideas and ways to see the world with different lens, with the intention of reassessing old values.
This is a very effective essay in terms of the analysis - Lots of quotes, lots of technique, frequent references to the audience. All excellent. And you've answered the question effectively as well. I think conceptual clarity needs a bit of work, particularly in the later paragraphs, some wording issues and gaps in explanations make it quite difficult to tie parts of your argument together, and can lead to you getting off track a bit (I noticed this particularly in the curiosity paragraph). Watch out for this, keep things simple, avoid sweeping/vague statements, and keep running paragraphs by your peers (and us) to check if they can follow what you are saying.
Additionally, try to draw stronger links between the technique used and the impact on the audience! Some of the links you drew out were a tad dubious in terms of what the technique and quote were accomplishing conceptually, try to make it natural! That is, literary techniques normally accentuate ideas. Metaphors and figurative language are used to draw greater meaning out of everyday scenarios. Imagery makes things relatable. Etc, etc ;D
An effective essay though Opengangs! Nicely done :)
Post by: Opengangs on September 08, 2017, 12:30:02 am
Hey hey, sure thing my friend!! Essay is attached with comments throughout ;DThankyou for the wonderful feedback!! I would like to know where I stand in terms of mark for this, so what would give this essay out of 15?SpoilerTo what extent do the texts you have studied reveal the way that discoveries can lead us to reassess values and see the world in new ways?
The powerful nature of discovery establishes a profound change and reassessment of values within the individual. Moreover, the values they possess are not static, but rather transformed through new perspectives and ideas. I feel like these two sentences are sort of saying the same thing? Discovery causes values to change. Values are changed through new perspectives. Feels a little awkward to me. These ideas are exemplified through Ernesto "Che" Guevara’s memoir, The Motorcycle Diaries (1994), and Jorge Luis Borges’ elegy, O Destiny Of Borges, through the serendipitous nature of discovery and rediscovery. Ultimately, it is through the growth of the individual that the nature of discovery allows individuals to reassess their worth and see the world with new eyes. Nice introduction on the whole. Leads with the concept and lets the text be the guide, not the other way around. Good work.
The perception and nature of discovery is ultimately fertilised by an individual’s ideas, changed and transformed over time. Good. It is through Che Guevara’s perspective that highlight the impacts of unexpected discoveries on the individual, and it is through this that individuals, like Guevara, begin to see the world with new eyes. Slightly awkward phrasing at the start there, and be careful you aren't being too text focused in how you present your concept. Right on the borderline right now. Explored in The Motorcycle Diaries, the juxtaposition of tone between his opening vignette entry "so we understand each other" and his successive entries frames the text as a "discovery that becomes one of self-discovery". The metaphor and metonymy of “his feet touching [touched] Argentine soil again" reflects on Guevara’s transformation both, spiritually and mentally, inviting the audience to reflect on their own ideas of their world. Good work connecting to the audience and the ideas of the question there, excellent work. His invitation is further enhanced by the use of inclusive pronouns as Guevara “leave(s) you now, with myself, the man I used to be…”, inducing the audience to experience his discoveries. Yet, his transformation is ultimately impelled by the physical discoveries of his journey around “our America with a big A”. The physical “discovery of the ocean” is personified as a “confidant; a friend absorbing all it is told and never revealing those secrets”, highlighting the impacts of a physical discovery to a spiritual realm. To Guevara, the ocean is portrayed as his spiritual transformation, leading individuals to re-establish their view of the world. Excellent. As a result, the values Guevara encompass are changed and transformed through experiences. Only through experiences and journeys do individuals begin to reassess their values and view of the world. A very solid analytical paragraph, you've delved into the intent and impact of the techniques extremely well. Make sure you aren't focusing too heavily on the text and persona, and drawing wider implications (which you did do on several occasions). Also be sure that your concepts stay completely on track with your topic sentence and don't wander!
Similarly, it is through new places and environments that individuals begin to stimulate new ideas and values, reassessing these ideas, and finally seeing the world in new ways. Good - Simple concept. Through a stimulation of new worlds “of Edinburgh, of Zurich, of the two Cordobas”, Borges conveys discovery as one that is ever changing in both, its social and historical context. Borges accentuates the nature of discovery through the contrast, polysyndeton, and listing between contexts of “Colombia and of Texas” to “Andalucia, to Portugal”, demonstrating new perspectives of discoveries through the changes in context. What is the nature? What are the new perspectives? Watch for sweeping statements like these. Borges employment of metaphor “to have grown old in so many mirrors” reinstates that the nature of discovery is merely of an individual’s perspective. The symbolic nature of the “mirror” illustrates changing perspectives, and the exaggeration of ageing through the “growing [grown] old in so many mirrors” exemplify experiences of discoveries as one that is ever changing to the integrity of the individual. This second sentence does an excellent job explaining what you mean by the one before it - If you could blend those last two sentences together, it would flow far more effectively. The repetition of the title, “Oh destiny of Borges”, highlights and frames the text as a discovery that in itself becomes a self-discovery; the play of time as the phrase is repeated at the end of the text symbolises an inner discovery of an individual, emphasising powers of self-worth and thus, recounts the discovery aspect as an ever changing process. Watch for sentences like this that are getting slightly too long - Don't be afraid to split up sentences where it needs it, just the same as joining them where it needs it. It is through this notion that Borges highlights the need for new experiences and places to impel these notions of discovery on the individual, and it is through these new eyes that Borges accentuates the true worth of an individual’s values.
Ultimately, however, it is up to the individual to impel discoveries on themselves. The notion of reassessment of values stems from the necessities for individuals to be curious. What are some of these necessities? Seems a little bit vague/confusing the way you've stated this right now. Guevara’s journey of discoveries stem from his curiosity to explore South America. His values are transformed and changed through the serendipitous nature of discovery, impelled by his curiosity. The harsh description of the landscape through his sick state of mind as “his[my] head was like a drum hammering out strange rhythms” is contrasted with the vibrant landscape in his entry “dear mama”, describing the scenery as the “current [had] carried us toward the bank and some half-submerged branches nearly caused the raft to capsize”, highlighting his transforming worldview of South America. Good work! Watch the length of your quotes, I reckon you could make them shorter and still communicate the same idea just as effectively. However, it is not just his mentality that is changed throughout the arduous journey; his state of emotion is transformed throughout the memoir. Watch for describing changes in the persona - This isn't contributing to your argument because you need to focus on concepts communicated to the audience, not changes in the characters/personalities that deliver those concepts. The “monotonous business of chasing visas” is exaggerated to accentuate his need to impel the nature of discovery and rediscovery on himself, inviting the audience to highlight his transformative desire through discoveries. Guevara’s description of the discovery of the ocean to both, himself and Granado, highlights the differing perspectives of discovery that stems from the curious minds of both travellers. The reaction of Granado’s discovery of the ocean as “a new, strangely perturbing sight” is vastly different to that of Guevara’s, who sees the ocean as a “confidant”, highlighting different perspectives of the same discovery. Careful, we are slipping a little into retell here. This, in turn, demonstrates the different perspectives that discovery can impel to individuals; through one object of discovery, many forms of discoveries can be revealed, demonstrating values that can be progressively reassessed over a longer period of time. This is a weaker paragraph analytically; there is a bit of retell at the end and the concepts aren't quite as clear to me as they should be. Work on simplicity, and ensure your concept is carried through - The idea of curiosity isn't really brought up after those first few sentences!
However, individuals can also impel discoveries on themselves through the re-experiences of the same journey, resulting in different perspectives of the same discovery. Slightly awkward wording there. Borges demonstrates a desire to rediscover journeys through the listing and “questioning [questioned] of lithographs, encyclopedias, atlases”. How does this listing accentuate the desire to rediscover journeys? Try and draw specific links between the technique and the impact. Like Guevara, Borges highlights the desire to question their discoveries, resulting in a changed perception. The categorical listing of the scholarly books of encyclopedias and atlases demonstrates an intellectual discovery, while the categorical listing of “Andalucia, of the two Cordobas” convey a geographical discovery. Borges uses this notion of listing throughout the poem to emphasise the nature of discovery as one that is not obsolete to the individual, but rather it is a transformative process to the individual. Again, not quite seeing how listing accentuates a transformative process. The re-experiences of these discoveries are portrayed through the framing of the text, suggesting that the text is primarily an internal discovery. The description of the landscape as “the sluggish dawn, the plains” reinforce values as a purely transformative process, catalysed by the discoveries and rediscoveries within the individual. Not quite following this concept, 'values' as a transformative process? Aren't values affected by the transformative process? It is, then, through the progression of transformative means that individuals begin to appreciate the nature of discoveries, revealed through the shift of view within the individual, and through this shift in perception, individuals begin to view the world in new ways. Only then will pre-existing values be reassessed over a gradual period of time.
Within individuals, the nature of individuals is an ever changing process; it starts with a pre-existing idea and perception that is then moulded and transformed through experiences and new worlds. The 'nature of individuals is an ever changing process,' doesn't quite make sense. The nature of individuals might be ever changing, but it isn't a process. Moreover, the fertility and growth of the individual stems from their ability to reassess and challenge their pre-existing notions, in which the worldview of the individuals is evolved. Explored throughout Guevara’s The Motorcycle Diaries (1994) and Jorge Luis Borges’ elegy Oh Destiny of Borges, this idea becomes an integral element to the growth of the individuals, challenging notions within their respective worlds. It is through this fertility that individuals then begin to stimulate new ideas and ways to see the world with different lens, with the intention of reassessing old values.
This is a very effective essay in terms of the analysis - Lots of quotes, lots of technique, frequent references to the audience. All excellent. And you've answered the question effectively as well. I think conceptual clarity needs a bit of work, particularly in the later paragraphs, some wording issues and gaps in explanations make it quite difficult to tie parts of your argument together, and can lead to you getting off track a bit (I noticed this particularly in the curiosity paragraph). Watch out for this, keep things simple, avoid sweeping/vague statements, and keep running paragraphs by your peers (and us) to check if they can follow what you are saying.
Additionally, try to draw stronger links between the technique used and the impact on the audience! Some of the links you drew out were a tad dubious in terms of what the technique and quote were accomplishing conceptually, try to make it natural! That is, literary techniques normally accentuate ideas. Metaphors and figurative language are used to draw greater meaning out of everyday scenarios. Imagery makes things relatable. Etc, etc ;D
An effective essay though Opengangs! Nicely done :)
Thanks again!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 08, 2017, 12:38:22 am
Thankyou for the wonderful feedback!! I would like to know where I stand in terms of mark for this, so what would give this essay out of 15?
Thanks again!
I'd say we are in the upper Band 5 range at the moment, just a little polish to bring it together - So perhaps 12-13/15? Take with a grain of salt obviously ;D
Post by: Evil.Morty on September 08, 2017, 01:23:14 am
Just wanted to know if my paragraphs make any sense and areas on which I should improve on. Any feedback would help me out alot! Also what mark out of 15 is this essay around. Thanks!
Spoiler
To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering?
Discovery is the most essential aspect of the human experience. It allows us individuals to develop a greater understanding of self and broaden our ways of thinking, prompting genuine personal emotions along with advancing newfound ideas that progress our psychological mindset. The Poems by Robert Frost (After Apple Picking & Stopping by The Woods on a Snowy Evening) explore the ways in which the natural environment can allow for reflection that stipulate a discovery of self and deepen our knowledge on life and death. Likewise, Peter Weir’s “Dead Poets’ Society” reveals themes of conformity and passion to convey the multitude of ways a discovery can help expand our mindset and to grasp the social contexts that define our daily lives. Ultimately, both texts possess the ability to a large extent to reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering.
Frost explores how reflection is a key aspect towards discovery and it is through one’s contemplation of life that they will truly experience an emotional and intellectual reaction that will essentially impact their individuality and point of thinking. Frost explores this idea of reflection through his exploration of experiences within the natural environment and how such experiences offer momentary insights about our existence and our understanding of life and death. In After Apple Picking, Personal pronouns allow the reader to witness a discovery of the self and the afterlife, additionally the recurring motif of apples symbolize opportunities, taken or lost in life and they’re meaningless when it comes to death. Further reinforced through the persona’s declaration that he was “well upon my way to sleep” before the sheet of ice fell from his hands. The sheet of ice is described metaphorically as a “pane of glass” as it suggests the persona is looking into himself in a process of transformation, reflection and self-discovery along with representing his distorted view of the “hoary” world. Moreover, negative connotations within “winter sleep” help to create allusions of death within the responder. Metaphorically, death is one explanation of the “long sleep” that the composer compares with human sleep. Winter imagery is employed to further illustrate the theme of death as the scent of apples is “the essence of winter sleep” and the water in the trough froze into a “pane of glass”. In addition, the responder is exposed to a sense of incompleteness, of things left unfinished in life- “a barrel that I didn’t fill” to highlight his negative emotional response whilst reflecting on life’s past experiences as a result of his discovery. Towards the end of the poem the persona states that “I am overtired / of the great harvest I myself desired” – as the persona hints at the cost of wanting too much and is discovering that there is a physical and intellectual demand from life. He saw an impossible quantity of fruit to harvest as a possibility but the cost was physical and mental exhaustion demonstrating the persona’s intellectual response towards his discovery as he develops a greater understanding of his existence within apple picking. Essentially, Frost explores the manner in which a discovery of self that is stipulated through reflection can provoke intellectual and emotional responses within the persona and responder.
An individual’s sense of passion is essential towards achieving a sense of self-actualization and individualism that assist in breaking free of societal expectations and tradition. Consequently, catalyzing the ability to express one’s emotions freely and provoking intellectual responses on the importance of self-discovery within an environment that promotes conformity. The setting of Dead Poets’ Society is set in Welton Academy, where those who choose to enter its halls are forced into having a particular world view and uphold to it’s values of “tradition, honor, excellence, discipline “ prescribed by the realist, anti-youth administration that discourage the students from exercising any social consciousness and restricting their ability and willingness to discover. The mise-en-scene of the candle ceremony portrayed through a wide shot highlight the traditionalist ideas the school imposes on its students. Furthermore, the establishing shot of birds flying symbolize their desire to escape the strict principles of Welton only needing a catalyst, parallels to Keating and his class. Their passions and romantic ideals are inhibited by the strict and conservative views by the school. However, the arrival of John Keating stabilizes their worldview by exposing the boys to his notions of curiosity, mystery and life fulfillment – inspiring them to “seize the day”. This resonates immensely with Neil Perry sparking an innate desire within him to pursue his passions. The low-angle shot of him performing as puck in the Midsummer’s Night Dream play illustrates his confidence and love towards acting in conjunction with the bright background lighting illuminating the stage demonstrating his discovery that his real passion in life is acting. However, his decision towards pursuing a career in acting is constricted by his assertive father as Mr. Perry insists that “You’re going to Harvard and you’re going to be a doctor,” emphasized through a high-angle shot of Neil revealing his apprehensive state and sense of vulnerability. Neil eventually stands up to his father, but is unable to communicate his opinions to the increasing tyrannical traditionalist figure that his father has become. He ultimately succumbed to familial pressure, which manifested in his suicide. The close up shot of Neil’s bleak facial emotion along with the eerie dramatically instrumental background music conveys his tragic emotional response to the discovery that the only way he can gain control over his father is too take his own life. Furthermore, his emotional reaction towards being unable to pursue his passion of acting triggered his suicide. As well as the use of dull and dark lighting within the scene to portray his intellectual response that suicide is the only way for him to stand up to his father and live life to the fullest (carpe diem). Nevertheless, his actions were necessary towards his self-discovery and individual growth. Ultimately, Weir’s demonstrates the impact of restricting an individual’s ability to express their emotions and pursue their passions that can lead to negative emotional responses and unfortunate intellectual acknowledgement as a result of their self-discovery.
Discovery is the most essential aspect of the human experience. It allows us individuals to develop a greater understanding of self and broaden our ways of thinking, prompting genuine personal emotions along with advancing newfound ideas that progress our psychological mindset. The Poems by Robert Frost (After Apple Picking & Stopping by The Woods on a Snowy Evening) explore the ways in which the natural environment can allow for reflection that stipulate a discovery of self and deepen our knowledge on life and death. Likewise, Peter Weir’s “Dead Poets’ Society” reveals themes of conformity and passion to convey the multitude of ways a discovery can help expand our mindset and to grasp the social contexts that define our daily lives. Ultimately, both texts possess the ability to a large extent to reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering.
Frost explores how reflection is a key aspect towards discovery and it is through one’s contemplation of life that they will truly experience an emotional and intellectual reaction that will essentially impact their individuality and point of thinking. Frost explores this idea of reflection through his exploration of experiences within the natural environment and how such experiences offer momentary insights about our existence and our understanding of life and death. In After Apple Picking, Personal pronouns allow the reader to witness a discovery of the self and the afterlife, additionally the recurring motif of apples symbolize opportunities, taken or lost in life and they’re meaningless when it comes to death. Further reinforced through the persona’s declaration that he was “well upon my way to sleep” before the sheet of ice fell from his hands. The sheet of ice is described metaphorically as a “pane of glass” as it suggests the persona is looking into himself in a process of transformation, reflection and self-discovery along with representing his distorted view of the “hoary” world. Moreover, negative connotations within “winter sleep” help to create allusions of death within the responder. Metaphorically, death is one explanation of the “long sleep” that the composer compares with human sleep. Winter imagery is employed to further illustrate the theme of death as the scent of apples is “the essence of winter sleep” and the water in the trough froze into a “pane of glass”. In addition, the responder is exposed to a sense of incompleteness, of things left unfinished in life- “a barrel that I didn’t fill” to highlight his negative emotional response whilst reflecting on life’s past experiences as a result of his discovery. Towards the end of the poem the persona states that “I am overtired / of the great harvest I myself desired” – as the persona hints at the cost of wanting too much and is discovering that there is a physical and intellectual demand from life. He saw an impossible quantity of fruit to harvest as a possibility but the cost was physical and mental exhaustion demonstrating the persona’s intellectual response towards his discovery as he develops a greater understanding of his existence within apple picking. Essentially, Frost explores the manner in which a discovery of self that is stipulated through reflection can provoke intellectual and emotional responses within the persona and responder.
An individual’s sense of passion is essential towards achieving a sense of self-actualization and individualism that assist in breaking free of societal expectations and tradition. Consequently, catalyzing the ability to express one’s emotions freely and provoking intellectual responses on the importance of self-discovery within an environment that promotes conformity. The setting of Dead Poets’ Society is set in Welton Academy, where those who choose to enter its halls are forced into having a particular world view and uphold to it’s values of “tradition, honor, excellence, discipline “ prescribed by the realist, anti-youth administration that discourage the students from exercising any social consciousness and restricting their ability and willingness to discover. The mise-en-scene of the candle ceremony portrayed through a wide shot highlight the traditionalist ideas the school imposes on its students. Furthermore, the establishing shot of birds flying symbolize their desire to escape the strict principles of Welton only needing a catalyst, parallels to Keating and his class. Their passions and romantic ideals are inhibited by the strict and conservative views by the school. However, the arrival of John Keating stabilizes their worldview by exposing the boys to his notions of curiosity, mystery and life fulfillment – inspiring them to “seize the day”. This resonates immensely with Neil Perry sparking an innate desire within him to pursue his passions. The low-angle shot of him performing as puck in the Midsummer’s Night Dream play illustrates his confidence and love towards acting in conjunction with the bright background lighting illuminating the stage demonstrating his discovery that his real passion in life is acting. However, his decision towards pursuing a career in acting is constricted by his assertive father as Mr. Perry insists that “You’re going to Harvard and you’re going to be a doctor,” emphasized through a high-angle shot of Neil revealing his apprehensive state and sense of vulnerability. Neil eventually stands up to his father, but is unable to communicate his opinions to the increasing tyrannical traditionalist figure that his father has become. He ultimately succumbed to familial pressure, which manifested in his suicide. The close up shot of Neil’s bleak facial emotion along with the eerie dramatically instrumental background music conveys his tragic emotional response to the discovery that the only way he can gain control over his father is too take his own life. Furthermore, his emotional reaction towards being unable to pursue his passion of acting triggered his suicide. As well as the use of dull and dark lighting within the scene to portray his intellectual response that suicide is the only way for him to stand up to his father and live life to the fullest (carpe diem). Nevertheless, his actions were necessary towards his self-discovery and individual growth. Ultimately, Weir’s demonstrates the impact of restricting an individual’s ability to express their emotions and pursue their passions that can lead to negative emotional responses and unfortunate intellectual acknowledgement as a result of their self-discovery.
Mod Edit: Added spoiler and post merge :)
Post by: Natasha.97 on September 08, 2017, 08:13:55 am
Hey!
Just wanted to know if my paragraphs make any sense and areas on which I should improve on. Any feedback would help me out alot! Also what mark out of 15 is this essay around. Thanks!
Hi Evil.Morty, welcome to the forums!! Our essay marking requirement is currently 25 posts per essay :)
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 08, 2017, 09:15:07 pm
Hey guys!
I would like to have my essay marked the last time haha. Need to get started on using a "polished" essay as my framework for all my practice essays :P
Hey Dalvin! Good on you :) As a side note, I've loved seeing your posts pop up throughout the year, always coming back and eager to improve. You've been a wonderful student and an asset to our online community.
Spoiler
To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering? In your response, refer to your prescribed text and ONE other related
Discovery is a universal experience that is part of the human condition. I'd get your teacher's opinion on this. In my opinion, leaving it as the human condition is broad and not unique and will feature in many essays. If you narrow it down to, perhaps, "the empathetic part of the human condition"
for example then you start to go down an interesting road that will separate you from the rest. Thus, the experience of a meaningful discovery or rediscovery may evoke emotional and intellectual responses that can affirm and challenge an individual's world. nice! Ang Lee’s film “Life of Pi” encompasses Pi’s range of discoveries whilst on the Pacific Ocean, which has forced him to go beyond his comfort zone by challenging his religious morals. This leads to Pi’s new understanding of the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Counteractively, the rediscovery of childhood in D.H Lawrence’s poem “Piano”, provides a platform for the persona to discover his saudade, thus reminding him of the tragedies and hardships of adulthood. Hence, the experience of discovery and the emotional and intellectual responses can enable one to gain new perceptions and understandings of the world. Great! Excellent work :)
135
An individual’s emotional response to the experience of discovery is due to the transgression of their values, that embodies new behaviours that is uncommon of an individual. There are a few "stop words" here that make me stop, look back, and realise there's something jarring. So, "due to" is first,
then "that embodies" and then "that is." "An individual's emotional response to discoveries is prompted by the transgression of their values, thus embodying new behaviours otherwise seen as uncommon for the individual." This still isn't perfect but it avoids the "that" we would use in colloquial language and allows it to flow better. “Life of Pi” explores this through a range of Pi’s discoveries that has challenged his religious morals. Whilst Pi is on his journey in the harsh and desolate ocean environment, he is forced to kill a fish for survival, which Pi considers to be immoral and cruel. In this scene, a close up shot of the colour shift from vibrant to dull, parallels with Pi’s emotional response as he cries out “I’m sorry!”, portraying his discovery of his immoral actions that evokes his guilt and shame. Furthermore, Pi boldly screams to Richard Parker, “MINE!MINE!” to the sudden discovery of flying fishes that lands within his boat, which demonstrates his power over animal instincts. This last piece of analysis is confusing to me, I'm not making a connection between the plot, technique, and effect here? Thus, Lee alludes to Pi as the God of Yogis, Shiva, that symbolises the destruction of morals and values and the creation of new physicalities, illustrating how the discovery of meat has lead him to disregard his humility to the natural world in order to survive. Moreover, the medium shot and diegetic sounds of Pi devouring the fish elaborates on the dismissal of his vegetarian diet to survive. This in effect, elucidates Pi’s desperation and greed as a repeated response to the discovery of food and water. Thus, this showcases how the intensity of our guilt and shame from subverting our morals, diminishes as we experience the same discovery several times. Second time using "thus" in this paragraph - I'd change it up :) Similarly, this is seen in Pi’s discoveries which has forced him beyond his psyche that catalysed his extreme greed and desperation to survive.
269
Moreover, You've also used moreover a few sentences ago :) surprising discoveries can trigger intellectual responses that introduce new ideas that result in a better understanding of the world. This is seen as Pi demonstrates a renewal to his understanding of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Pi’s dream encompasses the slow camera zoom into his eyes which employs a vignette of the zoo animals, Pi’s mother, the Mouth of Krishna and Tsimtsum. This becomes a synecdoche to Pi’s dynamic experiences as they are conflicting, comforting and educating. Hence, Lee asserts Pi’s ability to construct these complex memories, as suggestive of renewed understanding for humility and survival instincts as a platform to maintain his sanity.This is further highlighted by the paradoxical voiceover, “If I hadn’t found that island, I would’ve died. If I didn’t discover the tooth. I would’ve died”, which highlights the symbolic nature of the carnivorous island as Pi’s relinquishment and the tooth as his connection to the physical reality. Thus, both discoveries illustrates Pi’s renewed perception for the necessity of both, which saves him from death. As a result, an individual’s willingness to embrace their intellectual responses from their discoveries increases their knowledge about the world, such as Pi’s new and renewed perception of the physical and metaphysical worlds.
205
The process of rediscovery in “Piano” also evokes emotional responses, not by a transgression of their values, but of the societal widely-held assumptions of gender behaviours. Neat! The persona’s catalyst to his rediscovery was a singer who reminded him of his mother’s piano which caused his saudade of his childhood as his, “heart weep to belong/ to the old Sunday evenings at home”. The persona’s reference to the “old Sunday” evening coupled with the conventional rhyme scheme of AABB symbolises the strong conformist society of the 19th century, which made it challenging for men to openly express their emotions. However, the word choice of “weep” develops the persona’s sentimental tone that denotes to the power of rediscovery as it forces the persona beyond his limitations of emotional expression. The composer’s use of the three stanza structure, is metaphorical for the responder’s venture into the rediscovery of the persona’s memories and a discovery of his extreme sadness. Thus, it becomes a platform to convey how such intimate and fragile moments of reflection are able expound an individual’s insecurities that expels their façade of conformity. Further to this, the last stanza encompasses the persona’s dismay to be drawn as, “it is vain for the singer to burst into clamour/ great black appassionato”. The word choice of “clamour” and “appassionato”, a musical term for strong passion, evokes an auditory image of the persona’s desperate plea to relive his childhood. Additionally, it encompasses the outrage of intense and mixed emotions of distraught, despair and desperation which serves to reveal the emotional insanity towards his undesired discovery. Thus, Lawrence’s “Piano” reveals the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood as a gradual process that inevitably evokes his strong emotional responses that surpass his social standards.
287
Concurrently, the persona explores an intellectual response as he embraces the experience of rediscovery that reminds him of the cruelty of adulthood. The last stanza acts as a parallel to a coda in music, and thus it becomes a metaphor for the persona’s intellectual response as he asserts that, “of childish days is upon [him], [his] manhood is cast”. The line employs the accents of the disyllabic words of “childish” and “manhood” that juxtaposes the innocence of childhood to the hardships of adulthood. Hence, it proves the persona’s full understanding for the differences between both stages. Moreover, the persona, “weep like a child for the past” which proffers a double meaning that is enforced by the simile. On a literal level, it compares the persona to a child’s cry which expresses his fragility. Great! This denotes to the persona’s distraught and frustration, as he is unable to relive his childhood due to the passing of time. Whilst symbolically, the literary form and poetic structure, communicates his realisation of the social incorrectness for men to cry, hence the line posits the dual perspectives that proves his resentment to the 19th century social framework. I think this is something you could tap into more - it's only just brushed over. Could you carry the idea of social frameworks through the entire essay? That would really take it to the next level. But if you just want to leave it here, I think it needs more of a harsh introduction at the beginning of this paragraph. Consequently, the persona’s embrace of his rediscovery has evoked his intellectual response as broadening towards his understanding of the hardships of adulthood.
202
In essence, the universal experience of discovery and rediscovery expounds the emotional and intellectual responses. The intensity of an individual’s embracement of their discovery, determines the extent of their affirmation and/or challenge to their preconceived understanding and perceptions. “Life of Pi” explores Pi’s emotional dynamics upon the discovery for the necessity to survive and thus, gains an understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Whilst, “Piano”encompasses the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood that evokes the sentimentality, which allows him to gain insight to the suffering of adulthood. Thus from both the discoveries’ emotional and intellectual responses, it provides a platform for a new or renewed understanding of the self and others.
115
Great essay Dalvin, you've come such a long way. There's a few expression things that need ironing out to be smooth and lovely and meaningful. Easy done, I've suggested some ways to improve jarring or repetitive language. As for the social framework brought up with your related text in the end there -
are you comfortable exploring this more? Do you have a good enough grip on the societal framework that you think you could take it on to the next level?
I think it's something that would be great if teased out more, or even extended to the other parts of the essay. Whataya think?
Post by: DalvinT on September 11, 2017, 06:33:31 pm
Hey Dalvin! Good on you :) As a side note, I've loved seeing your posts pop up throughout the year, always coming back and eager to improve. You've been a wonderful student and an asset to our online community.Spoiler
To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering? In your response, refer to your prescribed text and ONE other related
Discovery is a universal experience that is part of the human condition. I'd get your teacher's opinion on this. In my opinion, leaving it as the human condition is broad and not unique and will feature in many essays. If you narrow it down to, perhaps, "the empathetic part of the human condition"
for example then you start to go down an interesting road that will separate you from the rest. Thus, the experience of a meaningful discovery or rediscovery may evoke emotional and intellectual responses that can affirm and challenge an individual's world. nice! Ang Lee’s film “Life of Pi” encompasses Pi’s range of discoveries whilst on the Pacific Ocean, which has forced him to go beyond his comfort zone by challenging his religious morals. This leads to Pi’s new understanding of the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Counteractively, the rediscovery of childhood in D.H Lawrence’s poem “Piano”, provides a platform for the persona to discover his saudade, thus reminding him of the tragedies and hardships of adulthood. Hence, the experience of discovery and the emotional and intellectual responses can enable one to gain new perceptions and understandings of the world. Great! Excellent work :)
135
An individual’s emotional response to the experience of discovery is due to the transgression of their values, that embodies new behaviours that is uncommon of an individual. There are a few "stop words" here that make me stop, look back, and realise there's something jarring. So, "due to" is first,
then "that embodies" and then "that is." "An individual's emotional response to discoveries is prompted by the transgression of their values, thus embodying new behaviours otherwise seen as uncommon for the individual." This still isn't perfect but it avoids the "that" we would use in colloquial language and allows it to flow better. “Life of Pi” explores this through a range of Pi’s discoveries that has challenged his religious morals. Whilst Pi is on his journey in the harsh and desolate ocean environment, he is forced to kill a fish for survival, which Pi considers to be immoral and cruel. In this scene, a close up shot of the colour shift from vibrant to dull, parallels with Pi’s emotional response as he cries out “I’m sorry!”, portraying his discovery of his immoral actions that evokes his guilt and shame. Furthermore, Pi boldly screams to Richard Parker, “MINE!MINE!” to the sudden discovery of flying fishes that lands within his boat, which demonstrates his power over animal instincts. This last piece of analysis is confusing to me, I'm not making a connection between the plot, technique, and effect here? Thus, Lee alludes to Pi as the God of Yogis, Shiva, that symbolises the destruction of morals and values and the creation of new physicalities, illustrating how the discovery of meat has lead him to disregard his humility to the natural world in order to survive. Moreover, the medium shot and diegetic sounds of Pi devouring the fish elaborates on the dismissal of his vegetarian diet to survive. This in effect, elucidates Pi’s desperation and greed as a repeated response to the discovery of food and water. Thus, this showcases how the intensity of our guilt and shame from subverting our morals, diminishes as we experience the same discovery several times. Second time using "thus" in this paragraph - I'd change it up :) Similarly, this is seen in Pi’s discoveries which has forced him beyond his psyche that catalysed his extreme greed and desperation to survive.
269
Moreover, You've also used moreover a few sentences ago :) surprising discoveries can trigger intellectual responses that introduce new ideas that result in a better understanding of the world. This is seen as Pi demonstrates a renewal to his understanding of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Pi’s dream encompasses the slow camera zoom into his eyes which employs a vignette of the zoo animals, Pi’s mother, the Mouth of Krishna and Tsimtsum. This becomes a synecdoche to Pi’s dynamic experiences as they are conflicting, comforting and educating. Hence, Lee asserts Pi’s ability to construct these complex memories, as suggestive of renewed understanding for humility and survival instincts as a platform to maintain his sanity.This is further highlighted by the paradoxical voiceover, “If I hadn’t found that island, I would’ve died. If I didn’t discover the tooth. I would’ve died”, which highlights the symbolic nature of the carnivorous island as Pi’s relinquishment and the tooth as his connection to the physical reality. Thus, both discoveries illustrates Pi’s renewed perception for the necessity of both, which saves him from death. As a result, an individual’s willingness to embrace their intellectual responses from their discoveries increases their knowledge about the world, such as Pi’s new and renewed perception of the physical and metaphysical worlds.
205
The process of rediscovery in “Piano” also evokes emotional responses, not by a transgression of their values, but of the societal widely-held assumptions of gender behaviours. Neat! The persona’s catalyst to his rediscovery was a singer who reminded him of his mother’s piano which caused his saudade of his childhood as his, “heart weep to belong/ to the old Sunday evenings at home”. The persona’s reference to the “old Sunday” evening coupled with the conventional rhyme scheme of AABB symbolises the strong conformist society of the 19th century, which made it challenging for men to openly express their emotions. However, the word choice of “weep” develops the persona’s sentimental tone that denotes to the power of rediscovery as it forces the persona beyond his limitations of emotional expression. The composer’s use of the three stanza structure, is metaphorical for the responder’s venture into the rediscovery of the persona’s memories and a discovery of his extreme sadness. Thus, it becomes a platform to convey how such intimate and fragile moments of reflection are able expound an individual’s insecurities that expels their façade of conformity. Further to this, the last stanza encompasses the persona’s dismay to be drawn as, “it is vain for the singer to burst into clamour/ great black appassionato”. The word choice of “clamour” and “appassionato”, a musical term for strong passion, evokes an auditory image of the persona’s desperate plea to relive his childhood. Additionally, it encompasses the outrage of intense and mixed emotions of distraught, despair and desperation which serves to reveal the emotional insanity towards his undesired discovery. Thus, Lawrence’s “Piano” reveals the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood as a gradual process that inevitably evokes his strong emotional responses that surpass his social standards.
287
Concurrently, the persona explores an intellectual response as he embraces the experience of rediscovery that reminds him of the cruelty of adulthood. The last stanza acts as a parallel to a coda in music, and thus it becomes a metaphor for the persona’s intellectual response as he asserts that, “of childish days is upon [him], [his] manhood is cast”. The line employs the accents of the disyllabic words of “childish” and “manhood” that juxtaposes the innocence of childhood to the hardships of adulthood. Hence, it proves the persona’s full understanding for the differences between both stages. Moreover, the persona, “weep like a child for the past” which proffers a double meaning that is enforced by the simile. On a literal level, it compares the persona to a child’s cry which expresses his fragility. Great! This denotes to the persona’s distraught and frustration, as he is unable to relive his childhood due to the passing of time. Whilst symbolically, the literary form and poetic structure, communicates his realisation of the social incorrectness for men to cry, hence the line posits the dual perspectives that proves his resentment to the 19th century social framework. I think this is something you could tap into more - it's only just brushed over. Could you carry the idea of social frameworks through the entire essay? That would really take it to the next level. But if you just want to leave it here, I think it needs more of a harsh introduction at the beginning of this paragraph. Consequently, the persona’s embrace of his rediscovery has evoked his intellectual response as broadening towards his understanding of the hardships of adulthood.
202
In essence, the universal experience of discovery and rediscovery expounds the emotional and intellectual responses. The intensity of an individual’s embracement of their discovery, determines the extent of their affirmation and/or challenge to their preconceived understanding and perceptions. “Life of Pi” explores Pi’s emotional dynamics upon the discovery for the necessity to survive and thus, gains an understanding for the balance of the physical and metaphysical worlds. Whilst, “Piano”encompasses the persona’s rediscovery of his childhood that evokes the sentimentality, which allows him to gain insight to the suffering of adulthood. Thus from both the discoveries’ emotional and intellectual responses, it provides a platform for a new or renewed understanding of the self and others.
115
Great essay Dalvin, you've come such a long way. There's a few expression things that need ironing out to be smooth and lovely and meaningful. Easy done, I've suggested some ways to improve jarring or repetitive language. As for the social framework brought up with your related text in the end there -
are you comfortable exploring this more? Do you have a good enough grip on the societal framework that you think you could take it on to the next level?
I think it's something that would be great if teased out more, or even extended to the other parts of the essay. Whataya think?
Hi Elyse,
Thanks so much for going over my essay!!! HELP HEAPSSS, my teacher has been busy this whole term, so I had no one to check over it ever since now. :)
Haha, I'm glad to hear that I have come a long way !
Regarding the social framework part, I'm not really sure what you meant to how I should explore it further? AS in, discussing how it's contributing to the impact to the discoveries in Pi and Piano? OR just more in Piano?
Post by: _____ on September 11, 2017, 10:20:10 pm
This worked in a sense that I got an OK mark despite having a question that didn't fit incredibly well, but is it a good idea in general? Could I be rewarded for developing a personal insight into discovery that doesn't necessarily relate to the question? Or is developing links between texts less important/something that should be done more subtly?
One other thing: I've used integrated paragraphs but just linked texts with a quite simplistic "likewise" or "on the other hand." Is there a better way to do this?
The following is my trial answer but I've refined it a bit. It's basically the quest thesis idea but moulded for personal/cultural influences.
Question: How is the nature of discovery dependent on personal and cultural perspectives?
Spoiler
The nature of discovery can be a contemplative or analytical quest, whereby we are prompted to investigate foreign contexts, precipitated by our perceptions of ourselves and our milieu. Therein, we can uncover challenging insights which catalyse a shift in such understandings, prompting us to reconsider our overarching concerns in life and our future endeavours. Ernesto “Che” Guevara’s memoir The Motorcycle Diaries chronicles the composer’s journey to uncover renewed perceptions of Latin American culture, precipitated by a curiosity to evolve his understanding of the continent. Likewise, in The Big Short, film director Adam McKay represents the true story of Mark Baum’s investigative process into institutional negligence on Wall Street, prompting a fresh understanding of an inherent culture of risk in the American financial system. Hence, composers explore how our interpersonal and cultural context impact the investigative discovery process, relaying how our notions of our world shape, and are shaped by, our revelations.
Discovery begins as we are prompted to venture into new environments in order to attain fresh insights beyond the normality of our current context, inspired by personal curiosity. In The Motorcycle Diaries Guevara reflects on a sudden decision to embark on a quest, catalysed by a need to enlighten his cultural understanding of the American continent. Guevara and Granado begin their journey as one of “improvisation,” travelling “Along the roads of [their] daydream.” First person pronoun illustrates a personal desire to develop renewed culturally understandings, their enthusiasm to explore emphasised through the metaphor of a “road,” representing their investigation. On the other hand, Baum’s quest in The Big Short begins as a quite deliberate investigation, catalysed by a personal distrust of Wall Street institutions. McKay employs an over-the-shoulder shot, relaying Vinny’s sceptical reaction to Baum’s proposition of investigation, illustrating the impact of inertia in restricting our ability to gain new insights. Baum’s enthusiasm is contrasted with Vinny’s scepticism as the former repeats his message, saying “Let’s find out. Let’s find out,” delineating the capability of individual curiosity to spur the investigative process. Thus, discovery begins as a result of our personal enthusiasm to gain a wider understanding of our social environment and sociocultural structures.
As we venture beyond our current context the investigative process can commence, influenced by perceptions of self and our cultural environment. Aiming to gain an understanding of the plight of the poor as a result of an exposure to literature detailing their suffering, Guevara meets a poor asthmatic woman in Chile. He is unable to cure her, prompting the composer to lament “It is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness that he longs for a change… to prevent the injustices of the system.” Illeism delineates a philosophical understanding of the experience, as Guevara’s personal considerations for left-leaning values are reinforced through a first-hand exposure to the social realities the lower classes face. The vignettes gradually develop a more political focus, developed through symbolism of a “red blaze” – demonstrating an evolving understanding of the spread of communism in the continent. Likewise, Baum comes to a new intellectual perspective of the culture of risk on Wall Street as he realises “the entire world economy might collapse.” McKay employs a close-up shot to demonstrate Baum’s despair – emphasising his emotional response through contrast with diegetic sound – laughter and upbeat music. Moreover, the director permeates the mise-en-scene with red, symbolising danger and financial loss, conveying that Baum has developed a true sense of the threat that the housing market poses to the financial system. Ergo, how we go about our quest to uncover new knowledge is dependent on our personal understandings of what we wish to uncover - such investigations can precipitate redefined perceptions of cultural structures in our milieu.
Having coming to renewed perceptions of our world, how we apply such understandings to our ideals and endeavours is dependent on our renewed sense of self in relation to sociocultural understandings. Intertextual photographs in The Motorcycle Diaries juxtaposition boyish Che with his future revolutionary persona, demonstrating how a renewed perception of Latin American culture prompts him to abandon the comfort of a middle-class lifestyle to pursue Marxist ideals – reconsidering fundamental personal values as a result of cultural revelations. After the quest concludes the composer remarks that he “…believe[ s ]… that the division of [Latin] America into unstable and illusory nations is completely fictional.” High modality engenders a certain tone, elucidating how uncovering new understandings can catalyse a renewed sense of purpose. Similarly, in The Big Short, McKay employs captioning in the epilogue to relay a didactic message. Baum transformed from an arrogant trader into a “gracious” man, as he quit his job to lobby for institutional change in the financial sector post the global financial crisis – his investigation forcing him to reconsider his future activities. Thus, discovery enables us to come to new understandings of our cultural context, catalysing a re-evaluation of our transcendental objectives in life.
The Motorcycle Diaries and The Big Short explore the impact of our personal and cultural perspectives on the process and outcomes of discovery. The texts explore analogous quests to develop new insights, catalysed by our understanding of our world. As we investigate our surroundings, our personal perceptions of our milieu evolve, forcing us to reconsider our notions of ourselves and our future endeavours.
Discovery begins as we are prompted to venture into new environments in order to attain fresh insights beyond the normality of our current context, inspired by personal curiosity. In The Motorcycle Diaries Guevara reflects on a sudden decision to embark on a quest, catalysed by a need to enlighten his cultural understanding of the American continent. Guevara and Granado begin their journey as one of “improvisation,” travelling “Along the roads of [their] daydream.” First person pronoun illustrates a personal desire to develop renewed culturally understandings, their enthusiasm to explore emphasised through the metaphor of a “road,” representing their investigation. On the other hand, Baum’s quest in The Big Short begins as a quite deliberate investigation, catalysed by a personal distrust of Wall Street institutions. McKay employs an over-the-shoulder shot, relaying Vinny’s sceptical reaction to Baum’s proposition of investigation, illustrating the impact of inertia in restricting our ability to gain new insights. Baum’s enthusiasm is contrasted with Vinny’s scepticism as the former repeats his message, saying “Let’s find out. Let’s find out,” delineating the capability of individual curiosity to spur the investigative process. Thus, discovery begins as a result of our personal enthusiasm to gain a wider understanding of our social environment and sociocultural structures.
As we venture beyond our current context the investigative process can commence, influenced by perceptions of self and our cultural environment. Aiming to gain an understanding of the plight of the poor as a result of an exposure to literature detailing their suffering, Guevara meets a poor asthmatic woman in Chile. He is unable to cure her, prompting the composer to lament “It is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness that he longs for a change… to prevent the injustices of the system.” Illeism delineates a philosophical understanding of the experience, as Guevara’s personal considerations for left-leaning values are reinforced through a first-hand exposure to the social realities the lower classes face. The vignettes gradually develop a more political focus, developed through symbolism of a “red blaze” – demonstrating an evolving understanding of the spread of communism in the continent. Likewise, Baum comes to a new intellectual perspective of the culture of risk on Wall Street as he realises “the entire world economy might collapse.” McKay employs a close-up shot to demonstrate Baum’s despair – emphasising his emotional response through contrast with diegetic sound – laughter and upbeat music. Moreover, the director permeates the mise-en-scene with red, symbolising danger and financial loss, conveying that Baum has developed a true sense of the threat that the housing market poses to the financial system. Ergo, how we go about our quest to uncover new knowledge is dependent on our personal understandings of what we wish to uncover - such investigations can precipitate redefined perceptions of cultural structures in our milieu.
Having coming to renewed perceptions of our world, how we apply such understandings to our ideals and endeavours is dependent on our renewed sense of self in relation to sociocultural understandings. Intertextual photographs in The Motorcycle Diaries juxtaposition boyish Che with his future revolutionary persona, demonstrating how a renewed perception of Latin American culture prompts him to abandon the comfort of a middle-class lifestyle to pursue Marxist ideals – reconsidering fundamental personal values as a result of cultural revelations. After the quest concludes the composer remarks that he “…believe[ s ]… that the division of [Latin] America into unstable and illusory nations is completely fictional.” High modality engenders a certain tone, elucidating how uncovering new understandings can catalyse a renewed sense of purpose. Similarly, in The Big Short, McKay employs captioning in the epilogue to relay a didactic message. Baum transformed from an arrogant trader into a “gracious” man, as he quit his job to lobby for institutional change in the financial sector post the global financial crisis – his investigation forcing him to reconsider his future activities. Thus, discovery enables us to come to new understandings of our cultural context, catalysing a re-evaluation of our transcendental objectives in life.
The Motorcycle Diaries and The Big Short explore the impact of our personal and cultural perspectives on the process and outcomes of discovery. The texts explore analogous quests to develop new insights, catalysed by our understanding of our world. As we investigate our surroundings, our personal perceptions of our milieu evolve, forcing us to reconsider our notions of ourselves and our future endeavours.
PS - Jamon am I correct in saying I still have approx 23 posts in reserve after this "expenditure"?
Thanks!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 11, 2017, 11:09:51 pm
PS - Jamon am I correct in saying I still have approx 23 posts in reserve after this "expenditure"?
Not quite - This brings your "spend" to 90 so you'll need to hit 115 for your next one (note the requirement has been kept at 25 posts since Trials) :) you're on the list though!
Post by: _____ on September 12, 2017, 09:11:36 pm
Not quite - This brings your "spend" to 90 so you'll need to hit 115 for your next one (note the requirement has been kept at 25 posts since Trials) :) you're on the list though!
That's great!
Can I get a check on what I spent my posts on? As I recall I used 50 on two creative writing pieces and then this one takes my tally to 75. Unless I'm being a dumb-dumb, I'm not sure how my spend is at 90 as the work that has been looked at was done right before trials when the price was 25 posts. Did I have one marked when they were 15 that I'm forgetting about? I'm confused lol
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 12, 2017, 10:32:57 pm
That's great!
Can I get a check on what I spent my posts on? As I recall I used 50 on two creative writing pieces and then this one takes my tally to 75. Unless I'm being a dumb-dumb, I'm not sure how my spend is at 90 as the work that has been looked at was done right before trials when the price was 25 posts. Did I have one marked when they were 15 that I'm forgetting about? I'm confused lol
I don't have a record of exactly when your stuff was submitted, we just increment as we go - But sure, I'll take you at your word and bring your tally back :)
Post by: _____ on September 13, 2017, 07:21:55 am
I don't have a record of exactly when your stuff was submitted, we just increment as we go - But sure, I'll take you at your word and bring your tally back :)
Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it.
Just to make sure I went through my post history and I could only find these:
https://atarnotes.com/forum/index.php?topic=164657.msg960749#msg960749
https://atarnotes.com/forum/index.php?topic=164657.msg964794#msg964794
So I'm quite certain 75 is correct :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 13, 2017, 10:02:30 am
Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it.
Just to make sure I went through my post history and I could only find these:
https://atarnotes.com/forum/index.php?topic=164657.msg960749#msg960749
https://atarnotes.com/forum/index.php?topic=164657.msg964794#msg964794
So I'm quite certain 75 is correct :)
Yep, no stress at all, works for me
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 13, 2017, 06:39:52 pm
The following is my trial answer but I've refined it a bit. It's basically the quest thesis idea but moulded for personal/cultural influences.
I've attached your response with feedback in bold!! ;D
Spoiler
Question: How is the nature of discovery dependent on personal and cultural perspectives?
The nature of discovery can be a contemplative or analytical quest, whereby we are prompted to investigate foreign contexts, precipitated by our perceptions of ourselves and our milieu. Therein, we can uncover challenging insights which catalyse a shift in such understandings, prompting us to reconsider our overarching concerns in life and our future endeavours. Good Thesis! Fairly specific but should still be easily adaptable too if you got thrown a curveball. Ernesto “Che” Guevara’s memoir The Motorcycle Diaries chronicles the composer’s journey to uncover renewed perceptions of Latin American culture, precipitated by a curiosity to evolve his understanding of the continent. Likewise, in The Big Short, film director Adam McKay represents the true story of Mark Baum’s investigative process into institutional negligence on Wall Street, prompting a fresh understanding of an inherent culture of risk in the American financial system. Hence, composers explore how our interpersonal and cultural context impact the investigative discovery process, relaying how our notions of our world shape, and are shaped by, our revelations. No comments on the introduction - I think this works really well! You could add a sentence laying out what your arguments in each paragraph are going to be.
Discovery begins as we are prompted to venture into new environments in order to attain fresh insights beyond the normality of our current context, inspired by personal curiosity. In The Motorcycle Diaries Guevara reflects on a sudden decision to embark on a quest, catalysed by a need to enlighten his cultural understanding of the American continent. Guevara and Granado begin their journey as one of “improvisation,” travelling “Along the roads of [their] daydream.” That sentence reads a lot like a retell of what is happening in the text - I know you are about to do more, but putting the technique in the same sentence will stop the marker from being worried about the analysis before they see it. First person pronoun illustrates a personal desire to develop renewed culturally understandings, their enthusiasm to explore emphasised through the metaphor of a “road,” representing their investigation. Good. On the other hand, Baum’s quest in The Big Short begins as a quite deliberate investigation, catalysed by a personal distrust of Wall Street institutions. McKay employs an over-the-shoulder shot, relaying Vinny’s sceptical reaction to Baum’s proposition of investigation, illustrating the impact of inertia in restricting our ability to gain new insights. Good, you are linking the techniques to the grander idea with minimal reference to the text itself. Baum’s enthusiasm is contrasted with Vinny’s scepticism as the former repeats his message, saying “Let’s find out. Let’s find out,” delineating the capability of individual curiosity to spur the investigative process. Great. Thus, discovery begins as a result of our personal enthusiasm to gain a wider understanding of our social environment and sociocultural structures. Solid paragraph, in both concept and analytical approach. The link to the question could be just a tad week, particularly at the end here, tweaking the wording of your conclusion to include the question more directly could be beneficial.
As we venture beyond our current context the investigative process can commence, influenced by perceptions of self and our cultural environment. Aiming to gain an understanding of the plight of the poor as a result of an exposure to literature detailing their suffering, Guevara meets a poor asthmatic woman in Chile. He is unable to cure her, prompting the composer to lament “It is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness that he longs for a change… to prevent the injustices of the system.” That was definitely retell - Those two sentences are simply restating plot elements. I know your approach is going to mandate a little bit of textual description, but be careful - These sentences chew space and don't do anything for you. Illeism delineates a philosophical understanding of the experience, as Guevara’s personal considerations for left-leaning values are reinforced through a first-hand exposure to the social realities the lower classes face. The vignettes gradually develop a more political focus, developed through symbolism of a “red blaze” – demonstrating an evolving understanding of the spread of communism in the continent. Good. Likewise, Baum comes to a new intellectual perspective of the culture of risk on Wall Street as he realises “the entire world economy might collapse.” Try and have a technique for every quote/reference you provide, purely for efficiency. McKay employs a close-up shot to demonstrate Baum’s despair – emphasising his emotional response through contrast with diegetic sound – laughter and upbeat music. Good, but what does Baum's despair represent in terms of this larger idea of the investigative process? Moreover, the director permeates the mise-en-scene with red, symbolising danger and financial loss, conveying that Baum has developed a true sense of the threat that the housing market poses to the financial system. As above, good link of techniques to an audience response, but it is character focused. We don't want what we learn about Baum, but about Discovery as a whole. Ergo, how we go about our quest to uncover new knowledge is dependent on our personal understandings of what we wish to uncover - such investigations can precipitate redefined perceptions of cultural structures in our milieu. A weaker paragraph in terms of analysis - Ensure all techniques are linked to concepts and not character profiles, and watch for unnecessary retell!
Having coming to renewed perceptions of our world, how we apply such understandings to our ideals and endeavours is dependent on our renewed sense of self in relation to sociocultural understandings. Slight issue with wording at the start there? Intertextual photographs in The Motorcycle Diaries juxtaposition boyish Che with his future revolutionary persona, demonstrating how a renewed perception of Latin American culture prompts him to abandon the comfort of a middle-class lifestyle to pursue Marxist ideals – reconsidering fundamental personal values as a result of cultural revelations. Good. After the quest concludes the composer remarks that he “…believe[ s ]… that the division of [Latin] America into unstable and illusory nations is completely fictional.” High modality engenders a certain tone, elucidating how uncovering new understandings can catalyse a renewed sense of purpose. Try to blend the technique and the quote into the same sentence - Again, I finished the former and thought you had not analysed until I read the latter. Technique and quote in the one sentence will make your essay flow far more effectively. Similarly, in The Big Short, McKay employs captioning in the epilogue to relay a didactic message. Baum transformed from an arrogant trader into a “gracious” man, as he quit his job to lobby for institutional change in the financial sector post the global financial crisis – his investigation forcing him to reconsider his future activities. Bit of retell there. Thus, discovery enables us to come to new understandings of our cultural context, catalysing a re-evaluation of our transcendental objectives in life. Analysis of the Prescribed Text was quite good there, the related definitely is lacking in comparison.
The Motorcycle Diaries and The Big Short explore the impact of our personal and cultural perspectives on the process and outcomes of discovery. The texts explore analogous quests to develop new insights, catalysed by our understanding of our world. As we investigate our surroundings, our personal perceptions of our milieu evolve, forcing us to reconsider our notions of ourselves and our future endeavours. Good conclusion, hits all the main points.
The nature of discovery can be a contemplative or analytical quest, whereby we are prompted to investigate foreign contexts, precipitated by our perceptions of ourselves and our milieu. Therein, we can uncover challenging insights which catalyse a shift in such understandings, prompting us to reconsider our overarching concerns in life and our future endeavours. Good Thesis! Fairly specific but should still be easily adaptable too if you got thrown a curveball. Ernesto “Che” Guevara’s memoir The Motorcycle Diaries chronicles the composer’s journey to uncover renewed perceptions of Latin American culture, precipitated by a curiosity to evolve his understanding of the continent. Likewise, in The Big Short, film director Adam McKay represents the true story of Mark Baum’s investigative process into institutional negligence on Wall Street, prompting a fresh understanding of an inherent culture of risk in the American financial system. Hence, composers explore how our interpersonal and cultural context impact the investigative discovery process, relaying how our notions of our world shape, and are shaped by, our revelations. No comments on the introduction - I think this works really well! You could add a sentence laying out what your arguments in each paragraph are going to be.
Discovery begins as we are prompted to venture into new environments in order to attain fresh insights beyond the normality of our current context, inspired by personal curiosity. In The Motorcycle Diaries Guevara reflects on a sudden decision to embark on a quest, catalysed by a need to enlighten his cultural understanding of the American continent. Guevara and Granado begin their journey as one of “improvisation,” travelling “Along the roads of [their] daydream.” That sentence reads a lot like a retell of what is happening in the text - I know you are about to do more, but putting the technique in the same sentence will stop the marker from being worried about the analysis before they see it. First person pronoun illustrates a personal desire to develop renewed culturally understandings, their enthusiasm to explore emphasised through the metaphor of a “road,” representing their investigation. Good. On the other hand, Baum’s quest in The Big Short begins as a quite deliberate investigation, catalysed by a personal distrust of Wall Street institutions. McKay employs an over-the-shoulder shot, relaying Vinny’s sceptical reaction to Baum’s proposition of investigation, illustrating the impact of inertia in restricting our ability to gain new insights. Good, you are linking the techniques to the grander idea with minimal reference to the text itself. Baum’s enthusiasm is contrasted with Vinny’s scepticism as the former repeats his message, saying “Let’s find out. Let’s find out,” delineating the capability of individual curiosity to spur the investigative process. Great. Thus, discovery begins as a result of our personal enthusiasm to gain a wider understanding of our social environment and sociocultural structures. Solid paragraph, in both concept and analytical approach. The link to the question could be just a tad week, particularly at the end here, tweaking the wording of your conclusion to include the question more directly could be beneficial.
As we venture beyond our current context the investigative process can commence, influenced by perceptions of self and our cultural environment. Aiming to gain an understanding of the plight of the poor as a result of an exposure to literature detailing their suffering, Guevara meets a poor asthmatic woman in Chile. He is unable to cure her, prompting the composer to lament “It is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness that he longs for a change… to prevent the injustices of the system.” That was definitely retell - Those two sentences are simply restating plot elements. I know your approach is going to mandate a little bit of textual description, but be careful - These sentences chew space and don't do anything for you. Illeism delineates a philosophical understanding of the experience, as Guevara’s personal considerations for left-leaning values are reinforced through a first-hand exposure to the social realities the lower classes face. The vignettes gradually develop a more political focus, developed through symbolism of a “red blaze” – demonstrating an evolving understanding of the spread of communism in the continent. Good. Likewise, Baum comes to a new intellectual perspective of the culture of risk on Wall Street as he realises “the entire world economy might collapse.” Try and have a technique for every quote/reference you provide, purely for efficiency. McKay employs a close-up shot to demonstrate Baum’s despair – emphasising his emotional response through contrast with diegetic sound – laughter and upbeat music. Good, but what does Baum's despair represent in terms of this larger idea of the investigative process? Moreover, the director permeates the mise-en-scene with red, symbolising danger and financial loss, conveying that Baum has developed a true sense of the threat that the housing market poses to the financial system. As above, good link of techniques to an audience response, but it is character focused. We don't want what we learn about Baum, but about Discovery as a whole. Ergo, how we go about our quest to uncover new knowledge is dependent on our personal understandings of what we wish to uncover - such investigations can precipitate redefined perceptions of cultural structures in our milieu. A weaker paragraph in terms of analysis - Ensure all techniques are linked to concepts and not character profiles, and watch for unnecessary retell!
Having coming to renewed perceptions of our world, how we apply such understandings to our ideals and endeavours is dependent on our renewed sense of self in relation to sociocultural understandings. Slight issue with wording at the start there? Intertextual photographs in The Motorcycle Diaries juxtaposition boyish Che with his future revolutionary persona, demonstrating how a renewed perception of Latin American culture prompts him to abandon the comfort of a middle-class lifestyle to pursue Marxist ideals – reconsidering fundamental personal values as a result of cultural revelations. Good. After the quest concludes the composer remarks that he “…believe[ s ]… that the division of [Latin] America into unstable and illusory nations is completely fictional.” High modality engenders a certain tone, elucidating how uncovering new understandings can catalyse a renewed sense of purpose. Try to blend the technique and the quote into the same sentence - Again, I finished the former and thought you had not analysed until I read the latter. Technique and quote in the one sentence will make your essay flow far more effectively. Similarly, in The Big Short, McKay employs captioning in the epilogue to relay a didactic message. Baum transformed from an arrogant trader into a “gracious” man, as he quit his job to lobby for institutional change in the financial sector post the global financial crisis – his investigation forcing him to reconsider his future activities. Bit of retell there. Thus, discovery enables us to come to new understandings of our cultural context, catalysing a re-evaluation of our transcendental objectives in life. Analysis of the Prescribed Text was quite good there, the related definitely is lacking in comparison.
The Motorcycle Diaries and The Big Short explore the impact of our personal and cultural perspectives on the process and outcomes of discovery. The texts explore analogous quests to develop new insights, catalysed by our understanding of our world. As we investigate our surroundings, our personal perceptions of our milieu evolve, forcing us to reconsider our notions of ourselves and our future endeavours. Good conclusion, hits all the main points.
I really like this essay! Definitely Band 6 material, either as it is or perhaps with a bit of polish depending on how tough your marker is - I'd say it's there now.
Very nicely structured, clear introductions and conclusions which summarise the idea nicely (though they could link to the question a little more effectively at times). Spots of brilliant analysis, particularly you do the "audience response" aspect extremely well. Ensure you are always linking to a concept though, and not an idea/insight on a character or their experience. Characters are puppets! I'd also encourage you to trim away at the unnecessary bits of retell to get more quotes/analysis in - We're at roughly 2 quotes/techniques/analysis per text per paragraph right now, maybe try for a third? :)
As for your concerns, I think the idea is sound, and you should be able to link it to the questions reasonably well in most cases (I could tell this was a stretch, I think you've done a nice job to make it work). Just make sure that, if you get something WAY out of left field, you do abandon this approach if you need to. Being stubborn with your Thesis ideas almost never works ;)
Links between texts isn't super vital in the AoS - The way you've done it here with the linking words is definitely okay in this integrated form. You could play the texts off against each other more fluidly if you wanted (identifying a concept that both portray, and showing how each portrays it, perhaps, which means you dive in and out of each text multiple times in a paragraph). But I think this works!
I think this is great stuff ______, brilliant work :)
Post by: winstondarmawan on September 14, 2017, 01:19:37 pm
Spoiler
Individuals are able to reform perspectives about themselves and others through accepting and questioning self-discoveries which prompt far-reaching and transformative impacts. These newly formed perspectives allow individuals to embrace pivotal moments in their lives, and by extension any far-reaching implications drawn by such moments. The confronting, yet far-reaching ramifications of such discoveries are explored in Rosemary Dobson Collected, in particular “Young Girl at a Window” and “Painter of Antwerp”, and Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality are you creating for yourself?. Both texts address the emotional discoveries and impacts experienced by the personas as they strive, to differing extents, to change notions of themselves.
Reluctance and apprehension can prevent individuals from engaging in transformative experiences and learning fundamental aspects of life, and while the impact of these may be great, their extent can vary in terms of change.
• Rosemary Dobson’s poem Young Girl at a Window delves into the thought process of a child whose shifting perspectives on her transition into adulthood force her to consider the inevitability of change in her life. This inevitability is established in the opening line, ‘Lift your hand to the window latch’, where an imperative tone is employed to demonstrate the demands of maturation and the emotional and intellectual challenges adulthood imposes. Further substantiating the idea of personal growth, the “window” which the girl looks through is symbolic of the threshold between child and adulthood, and the many opportunities between. The fact that the child ‘turn and move away’ captures her apprehension in moving forward.
• The grim depiction of maturing is portrayed through the subject’s negative response in first perceiving the discovery, as shown in ‘Since Time was killed and now lies dead’. This graphic, war imagery exaggerates the emotional and mental battle occurring within the girl’s cognitive, capturing the aggressiveness of the challenging transition into adulthood, which she holds with great reluctance and fear to directly face. The capitalisation of the ‘t’ in ‘Time’ emphasises its importance and inevitability as a factor in her transition into adulthood. The short sudden sentence and hopeful tone in ‘Or Time was lost’, however, captures a gradual change in heart as the girl begins to embrace her process of maturing. This quick sentence contrasts the rest of the poem, putting clear emphasis that the girl discovers that the inevitable does not have to be bad.
• Dissimilarly, in Painter, the protagonist’s discomfort in unfamiliar territory causes him to not embrace change, but appreciate what he already has. This is enforced through the ambivalent descriptions capturing Breughel’s feelings towards Italian art, such as ‘odd adventures … full of queer notions’, where the concepts presented by such art are incomprehensible due to their grandeur and unrealistic nature in comparison to his much more earthly art. The hesitant tone throughout portrays Breughel’s discomfort with the extravagant fantasies presented by Renaissance art, but this contrasts with the supposed grand imagery of ‘souring wings’, where he acknowledges the beauty of the mundane.
Creative and intellectual discoveries evoked by curiosity become more meaningful if individuals can draw on the experiences and discoveries of others to renew and bolster their personal perspectives on life’s true purpose.
• Dobson’s ekphrastic poem, Painter of Antwerp, based off the painting “Landscape with the Fall of Icarus”, captures both the fulfilling and uninspiring consequences of making discoveries. Ordinary figures such as the ‘ploughman, fisherman, and moon-faced shepherd’ are ironically characterised to be of greater importance than the supposed grandeur of the Italian renaissance – especially Icarus: ‘Icarus sprawling, two feet out of the sea’. This condescending tone and characterisation of a well-known mythical figure focusses on his fatal, human flaw of hubris, conveying him as uninspiring. His mistake, however, is a valuable learning lesson for Breughel, and the responder – who transform their perspectives about a meaningful existence.
• The appreciation of beauty in the ordinary is a key aspect of the poem. As Breughel returns after making a physical discovery – about the Renaissance art in Italy – the repetition of the imperative ‘Plod homeward Breughel’ consolidates the ‘[rejection of] the fanciful’. Instead of changing his artistic style into an unknown, sophisticated form, he chooses to continue with the art of the natural world – his original works, as referred to in the symbolism and liminal space of ‘At the top of the Alps … looked backwards’. Thus, Breughel is faced with an intellectual and creative rediscovery about the beauty of simplicity, one that he has a deeper appreciation for after the uninspiring discovery of Renaissance Italy.
• As such, the speaker and audience can draw on the experiences of Breughel, incorporating his experiences into their lives as a metaphor for the appreciation of the human experience, rather than the superficial values placed onto us by society. The symbolism of the ‘great plumed hat’ refers to the social and economic hierarchy imposed by society, yet Breughel’s choice to distance himself from this captures his discovery that humanity should remain true to themselves.
• Self-reflection and curiosity are similarly shown as fundamental aspects in making a healthy discovery. In What reality?, Lidsky’s speech acts as a catalyst for self-discoveries within the immediate and extended audience, who learn from the experiences of others. This is true to Lidsky’s intent, as an imperative tone is used to instruct the audience on how to ‘live their eyes wide open’, encouraging them to “see beyond [their] fears”.
When confronted with limits, individuals must re-evaluate previously held notions of themselves and consider changing in order to progress in an alternative way. In doing so, the very challenge they once felt entirely disinclined to complete becomes a fuel for one of the most transformative catalytic events in their lives.
• Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality? explores the obstacles associated with a limitation such as blindness, and the impact of this on his journey of self-discovery. By referring to his experience of being a blind entrepreneur, Lidsky can transmit his motif to the audience: ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’. This, a seemingly paradoxical proposition, encapsulates the notion of allowing such limitations to empower those affected intellectually and emotionally – if one is open to rediscovery.
• When Lidsky first receives news of his diagnosis, his fear of the physical discovery is incorporated through the hyperbole: ‘Blindness was a death sentence for my independence’. This captures fear as a prominent factor which clouds much of how individuals envision their lives to be – all or nothing. This contrasts with the transformation of his perception in ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’ where his limitation no longer is a hindrance and instead has enhanced mental growth and maturation into a more wholesome person.
• The extent of Lidsky’s blindness is realised through the use of cumulative listing, wherein ‘The salesperson … was really a mannequin…. wash[ing] my hands, I saw it was a urinal’, his ineptitude at simple everyday tasks is highlighted. Hence, an antithesis is formed, illustrating that despite the severity of the limitation, an individual should not form destructive assumptions about reality – these instead should be transformed into a positive experience. This “blessing in disguise” enables Lidsky to eliminate the ‘complex mental construction’ created by sight, allowing him to undergo an intellectual discovery and continue with his entrepreneurship in a way he had never done before. He does not let his disability distort his way of life – but rather – he transforms and enhances his very being in a surprising, positive way.
Reluctance and apprehension can prevent individuals from engaging in transformative experiences and learning fundamental aspects of life, and while the impact of these may be great, their extent can vary in terms of change.
• Rosemary Dobson’s poem Young Girl at a Window delves into the thought process of a child whose shifting perspectives on her transition into adulthood force her to consider the inevitability of change in her life. This inevitability is established in the opening line, ‘Lift your hand to the window latch’, where an imperative tone is employed to demonstrate the demands of maturation and the emotional and intellectual challenges adulthood imposes. Further substantiating the idea of personal growth, the “window” which the girl looks through is symbolic of the threshold between child and adulthood, and the many opportunities between. The fact that the child ‘turn
• The grim depiction of maturing is portrayed through the subject’s negative response in first perceiving the discovery, as shown in ‘Since Time was killed and now lies dead’. This graphic, war imagery exaggerates the emotional and mental battle occurring within the girl’s cognitive, capturing the aggressiveness of the challenging transition into adulthood, which she holds with great reluctance and fear to directly face. The capitalisation of the ‘t’ in ‘Time’ emphasises its importance and inevitability as a factor in her transition into adulthood. The short sudden sentence and hopeful tone in ‘Or Time was lost’, however, captures a gradual change in heart as the girl begins to embrace her process of maturing. This quick sentence contrasts the rest of the poem, putting clear emphasis that the girl discovers that the inevitable does not have to be bad.
• Dissimilarly, in Painter, the protagonist’s discomfort in unfamiliar territory causes him to not embrace change, but appreciate what he already has. This is enforced through the ambivalent descriptions capturing Breughel’s feelings towards Italian art, such as ‘odd adventures … full of queer notions’, where the concepts presented by such art are incomprehensible due to their grandeur and unrealistic nature in comparison to his much more earthly art. The hesitant tone throughout portrays Breughel’s discomfort with the extravagant fantasies presented by Renaissance art, but this contrasts with the supposed grand imagery of ‘souring wings’, where he acknowledges the beauty of the mundane.
Creative and intellectual discoveries evoked by curiosity become more meaningful if individuals can draw on the experiences and discoveries of others to renew and bolster their personal perspectives on life’s true purpose.
• Dobson’s ekphrastic poem, Painter of Antwerp, based off the painting “Landscape with the Fall of Icarus”, captures both the fulfilling and uninspiring consequences of making discoveries. Ordinary figures such as the ‘ploughman, fisherman, and moon-faced shepherd’ are ironically characterised to be of greater importance than the supposed grandeur of the Italian renaissance – especially Icarus: ‘Icarus sprawling, two feet out of the sea’. This condescending tone and characterisation of a well-known mythical figure focusses on his fatal, human flaw of hubris, conveying him as uninspiring. His mistake, however, is a valuable learning lesson for Breughel, and the responder – who transform their perspectives about a meaningful existence.
• The appreciation of beauty in the ordinary is a key aspect of the poem. As Breughel returns after making a physical discovery – about the Renaissance art in Italy – the repetition of the imperative ‘Plod homeward Breughel’ consolidates the ‘[rejection of] the fanciful’. Instead of changing his artistic style into an unknown, sophisticated form, he chooses to continue with the art of the natural world – his original works, as referred to in the symbolism and liminal space of ‘At the top of the Alps … looked backwards’. Thus, Breughel is faced with an intellectual and creative rediscovery about the beauty of simplicity, one that he has a deeper appreciation for after the uninspiring discovery of Renaissance Italy.
• As such, the speaker and audience can draw on the experiences of Breughel, incorporating his experiences into their lives as a metaphor for the appreciation of the human experience, rather than the superficial values placed onto us by society. The symbolism of the ‘great plumed hat’ refers to the social and economic hierarchy imposed by society, yet Breughel’s choice to distance himself from this captures his discovery that humanity should remain true to themselves.
• Self-reflection and curiosity are similarly shown as fundamental aspects in making a healthy discovery. In What reality?, Lidsky’s speech acts as a catalyst for self-discoveries within the immediate and extended audience, who learn from the experiences of others. This is true to Lidsky’s intent, as an imperative tone is used to instruct the audience on how to ‘live their eyes wide open’, encouraging them to “see beyond [their] fears”.
When confronted with limits, individuals must re-evaluate previously held notions of themselves and consider changing in order to progress in an alternative way. In doing so, the very challenge they once felt entirely disinclined to complete becomes a fuel for one of the most transformative catalytic events in their lives.
• Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality? explores the obstacles associated with a limitation such as blindness, and the impact of this on his journey of self-discovery. By referring to his experience of being a blind entrepreneur, Lidsky can transmit his motif to the audience: ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’. This, a seemingly paradoxical proposition, encapsulates the notion of allowing such limitations to empower those affected intellectually and emotionally – if one is open to rediscovery.
• When Lidsky first receives news of his diagnosis, his fear of the physical discovery is incorporated through the hyperbole: ‘Blindness was a death sentence for my independence’. This captures fear as a prominent factor which clouds much of how individuals envision their lives to be – all or nothing. This contrasts with the transformation of his perception in ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’ where his limitation no longer is a hindrance and instead has enhanced mental growth and maturation into a more wholesome person.
• The extent of Lidsky’s blindness is realised through the use of cumulative listing, wherein ‘The salesperson … was really a mannequin…. wash[ing] my hands, I saw it was a urinal’, his ineptitude at simple everyday tasks is highlighted. Hence, an antithesis is formed, illustrating that despite the severity of the limitation, an individual should not form destructive assumptions about reality – these instead should be transformed into a positive experience. This “blessing in disguise” enables Lidsky to eliminate the ‘complex mental construction’ created by sight, allowing him to undergo an intellectual discovery and continue with his entrepreneurship in a way he had never done before. He does not let his disability distort his way of life – but rather – he transforms and enhances his very being in a surprising, positive way.
Just a few pointers from my trial feedback:
- The marker said the integrated analysis structure I used was ineffective, however I have been informed elsewhere that it demonstrates a deepened understanding of the texts together and is helpful for attaining top bands. I'm not sure what to do now.
- The essay above is just a generic essay and is not responding to a particular question. I aim to be able to modify it in exam situations.
Also, how many posts do I have remaining for essay marking? I lost count.
Thanks in advance.
EDIT: Not sure why there is a strikethrough covering most of my essay... please ignore it. :)
Post by: _____ on September 14, 2017, 01:28:23 pm
I've attached your response with feedback in bold!! ;DSpoilerQuestion: How is the nature of discovery dependent on personal and cultural perspectives?
The nature of discovery can be a contemplative or analytical quest, whereby we are prompted to investigate foreign contexts, precipitated by our perceptions of ourselves and our milieu. Therein, we can uncover challenging insights which catalyse a shift in such understandings, prompting us to reconsider our overarching concerns in life and our future endeavours. Good Thesis! Fairly specific but should still be easily adaptable too if you got thrown a curveball. Ernesto “Che” Guevara’s memoir The Motorcycle Diaries chronicles the composer’s journey to uncover renewed perceptions of Latin American culture, precipitated by a curiosity to evolve his understanding of the continent. Likewise, in The Big Short, film director Adam McKay represents the true story of Mark Baum’s investigative process into institutional negligence on Wall Street, prompting a fresh understanding of an inherent culture of risk in the American financial system. Hence, composers explore how our interpersonal and cultural context impact the investigative discovery process, relaying how our notions of our world shape, and are shaped by, our revelations. No comments on the introduction - I think this works really well! You could add a sentence laying out what your arguments in each paragraph are going to be.
Discovery begins as we are prompted to venture into new environments in order to attain fresh insights beyond the normality of our current context, inspired by personal curiosity. In The Motorcycle Diaries Guevara reflects on a sudden decision to embark on a quest, catalysed by a need to enlighten his cultural understanding of the American continent. Guevara and Granado begin their journey as one of “improvisation,” travelling “Along the roads of [their] daydream.” That sentence reads a lot like a retell of what is happening in the text - I know you are about to do more, but putting the technique in the same sentence will stop the marker from being worried about the analysis before they see it. First person pronoun illustrates a personal desire to develop renewed culturally understandings, their enthusiasm to explore emphasised through the metaphor of a “road,” representing their investigation. Good. On the other hand, Baum’s quest in The Big Short begins as a quite deliberate investigation, catalysed by a personal distrust of Wall Street institutions. McKay employs an over-the-shoulder shot, relaying Vinny’s sceptical reaction to Baum’s proposition of investigation, illustrating the impact of inertia in restricting our ability to gain new insights. Good, you are linking the techniques to the grander idea with minimal reference to the text itself. Baum’s enthusiasm is contrasted with Vinny’s scepticism as the former repeats his message, saying “Let’s find out. Let’s find out,” delineating the capability of individual curiosity to spur the investigative process. Great. Thus, discovery begins as a result of our personal enthusiasm to gain a wider understanding of our social environment and sociocultural structures. Solid paragraph, in both concept and analytical approach. The link to the question could be just a tad week, particularly at the end here, tweaking the wording of your conclusion to include the question more directly could be beneficial.
As we venture beyond our current context the investigative process can commence, influenced by perceptions of self and our cultural environment. Aiming to gain an understanding of the plight of the poor as a result of an exposure to literature detailing their suffering, Guevara meets a poor asthmatic woman in Chile. He is unable to cure her, prompting the composer to lament “It is at times like this, when a doctor is conscious of his complete powerlessness that he longs for a change… to prevent the injustices of the system.” That was definitely retell - Those two sentences are simply restating plot elements. I know your approach is going to mandate a little bit of textual description, but be careful - These sentences chew space and don't do anything for you. Illeism delineates a philosophical understanding of the experience, as Guevara’s personal considerations for left-leaning values are reinforced through a first-hand exposure to the social realities the lower classes face. The vignettes gradually develop a more political focus, developed through symbolism of a “red blaze” – demonstrating an evolving understanding of the spread of communism in the continent. Good. Likewise, Baum comes to a new intellectual perspective of the culture of risk on Wall Street as he realises “the entire world economy might collapse.” Try and have a technique for every quote/reference you provide, purely for efficiency. McKay employs a close-up shot to demonstrate Baum’s despair – emphasising his emotional response through contrast with diegetic sound – laughter and upbeat music. Good, but what does Baum's despair represent in terms of this larger idea of the investigative process? Moreover, the director permeates the mise-en-scene with red, symbolising danger and financial loss, conveying that Baum has developed a true sense of the threat that the housing market poses to the financial system. As above, good link of techniques to an audience response, but it is character focused. We don't want what we learn about Baum, but about Discovery as a whole. Ergo, how we go about our quest to uncover new knowledge is dependent on our personal understandings of what we wish to uncover - such investigations can precipitate redefined perceptions of cultural structures in our milieu. A weaker paragraph in terms of analysis - Ensure all techniques are linked to concepts and not character profiles, and watch for unnecessary retell!
Having coming to renewed perceptions of our world, how we apply such understandings to our ideals and endeavours is dependent on our renewed sense of self in relation to sociocultural understandings. Slight issue with wording at the start there? Intertextual photographs in The Motorcycle Diaries juxtaposition boyish Che with his future revolutionary persona, demonstrating how a renewed perception of Latin American culture prompts him to abandon the comfort of a middle-class lifestyle to pursue Marxist ideals – reconsidering fundamental personal values as a result of cultural revelations. Good. After the quest concludes the composer remarks that he “…believe[ s ]… that the division of [Latin] America into unstable and illusory nations is completely fictional.” High modality engenders a certain tone, elucidating how uncovering new understandings can catalyse a renewed sense of purpose. Try to blend the technique and the quote into the same sentence - Again, I finished the former and thought you had not analysed until I read the latter. Technique and quote in the one sentence will make your essay flow far more effectively. Similarly, in The Big Short, McKay employs captioning in the epilogue to relay a didactic message. Baum transformed from an arrogant trader into a “gracious” man, as he quit his job to lobby for institutional change in the financial sector post the global financial crisis – his investigation forcing him to reconsider his future activities. Bit of retell there. Thus, discovery enables us to come to new understandings of our cultural context, catalysing a re-evaluation of our transcendental objectives in life. Analysis of the Prescribed Text was quite good there, the related definitely is lacking in comparison.
The Motorcycle Diaries and The Big Short explore the impact of our personal and cultural perspectives on the process and outcomes of discovery. The texts explore analogous quests to develop new insights, catalysed by our understanding of our world. As we investigate our surroundings, our personal perceptions of our milieu evolve, forcing us to reconsider our notions of ourselves and our future endeavours. Good conclusion, hits all the main points.
I really like this essay! Definitely Band 6 material, either as it is or perhaps with a bit of polish depending on how tough your marker is - I'd say it's there now.
Very nicely structured, clear introductions and conclusions which summarise the idea nicely (though they could link to the question a little more effectively at times). Spots of brilliant analysis, particularly you do the "audience response" aspect extremely well. Ensure you are always linking to a concept though, and not an idea/insight on a character or their experience. Characters are puppets! I'd also encourage you to trim away at the unnecessary bits of retell to get more quotes/analysis in - We're at roughly 2 quotes/techniques/analysis per text per paragraph right now, maybe try for a third? :)
As for your concerns, I think the idea is sound, and you should be able to link it to the questions reasonably well in most cases (I could tell this was a stretch, I think you've done a nice job to make it work). Just make sure that, if you get something WAY out of left field, you do abandon this approach if you need to. Being stubborn with your Thesis ideas almost never works ;)
Links between texts isn't super vital in the AoS - The way you've done it here with the linking words is definitely okay in this integrated form. You could play the texts off against each other more fluidly if you wanted (identifying a concept that both portray, and showing how each portrays it, perhaps, which means you dive in and out of each text multiple times in a paragraph). But I think this works!
I think this is great stuff ______, brilliant work :)
Thanks for looking at the essay for me.
I just want to ask quickly about including the technique in the first sentence. I find when I do this with quotes that aren't super short the sentence carries on for 45-50 words.
For example:
Before editing:
Spoiler
After the quest concludes the composer remarks that he “…believe[ s ]… that the division of [Latin] America into unstable and illusory nations is completely fictional.” High modality engenders a certain tone, elucidating how uncovering new understandings can catalyse a renewed sense of purpose
After editing:
Spoiler
After the quest concludes the composer employs high modality in remarking that he “…believe[ s ]… that the division of [Latin] America into unstable and illusory nations is completely fictional,” engendering a certain tone and hence elucidating how uncovering new understandings can catalyse a renewed sense of purpose.
If I cut the sentence after the quote I have to say "this technique engenders a certain tone..." or something like that which sounds terrible. What's the best way to avoid this?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 14, 2017, 01:41:35 pm
Also, how many posts do I have remaining for essay marking? I lost count.
On the list! This brings your 'spend' to 90 posts :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 14, 2017, 01:46:35 pm
Thanks for looking at the essay for me.
I just want to ask quickly about including the technique in the first sentence. I find when I do this with quotes that aren't super short the sentence carries on for 45-50 words.
I think the best approach is to include the technique and quote in the same sentence unless absolutely necessary - Because as you say, dividing feels very awkward. Using shorter quotes can help here, like, you don't need that whole quote to demonstrate the use of high modality. Further, if you do need to divide the sentence, it makes more sense to keep the technique and quote together, then in the next sentence explain the effect. To me that is a more natural split ;D
Post by: pikachu975 on September 17, 2017, 12:08:07 pm
Spoiler
New Understandings
Discoveries about one’s surroundings can lead to new understandings as their previous perspectives are challenged.
This is emphasised as Guevara’s plan to journey Latin America results in a realisation of the harsh landscape.
- Causes audiences to empathise with Guevara’s unexpected observation of the unrelenting environment.
Comparatively, Mathorne meticulously depicts the notion of nonconformity, as the audience discovers the chaotic consequences of the Tramp’s disillusionment and society is instilled with tremendous fear.
- The sudden and unexpected discovery of the Undertaker coming to the town causes immense fear in individuals and disruption of social stability.
- Portrays the profound fear discovered by the residents and causes audiences to understand the chaos caused by the disillusioned Tramp.
Transformation
The complex process of discovery can be confronting and provocative for individuals as they make emotional discoveries about individuals and society.
Such is true of Guevara’s travelogue as he is emotionally confronted with the struggle of the proletariat within Latin America, sparking his new Marxist values.
- The hyperbole reveals the extent to which he will pursue equality and justice as his worldview has been significantly altered.
On the other hand, Mathorne’s animation depicts the employment of religious power to control society. However, power is a construct shaped by the flaws of human intellect and hence, both the audience and Backwater residents are emotionally confronted as they discover the priest’s malicious intent.
- The audience realises the utter chaos brought about by the priest’s manipulation through emotionally moving images of chaotic screaming and gory, violent scenes of decapitations and murders.
- Contrasts the earlier darkness shrouding the town.
- Illustrates the emotional discovery of audiences as they are confronted with the shift from graphic scenes to the joyous atmosphere of the town.
Discoveries about one’s surroundings can lead to new understandings as their previous perspectives are challenged.
This is emphasised as Guevara’s plan to journey Latin America results in a realisation of the harsh landscape.
- “distant countries, heroic deeds and beautiful women spun around and around in our turbulent imaginations”
- Despite his idealised planning, Guevara is confronted with the “sulphur mines in the mountains where the climate is so bad and the living conditions so hard”.
- Causes audiences to empathise with Guevara’s unexpected observation of the unrelenting environment.
- “the lives of the poor … who die miserably in one of the thousand traps set by nature”
Comparatively, Mathorne meticulously depicts the notion of nonconformity, as the audience discovers the chaotic consequences of the Tramp’s disillusionment and society is instilled with tremendous fear.
- The priest’s high modality command, “submit to the Lord” and high angle
- “The undertaker’s coming”
- The sudden and unexpected discovery of the Undertaker coming to the town causes immense fear in individuals and disruption of social stability.
- Society hiding in their barricaded houses
- Portrays the profound fear discovered by the residents and causes audiences to understand the chaos caused by the disillusioned Tramp.
Transformation
The complex process of discovery can be confronting and provocative for individuals as they make emotional discoveries about individuals and society.
Such is true of Guevara’s travelogue as he is emotionally confronted with the struggle of the proletariat within Latin America, sparking his new Marxist values.
- “We had been knights of the road; we belonged to the long-standing wandering aristocracy”
- One of Guevara’s first findings is the communist “couple, numb with cold”, “had not one single miserable blanket to cover themselves with” and “carried a mysterious tragic air”
- His realisation is seen as, if humanity is cleaved “into two antagonistic halves, I will be with the people”
- The hyperbole reveals the extent to which he will pursue equality and justice as his worldview has been significantly altered.
On the other hand, Mathorne’s animation depicts the employment of religious power to control society. However, power is a construct shaped by the flaws of human intellect and hence, both the audience and Backwater residents are emotionally confronted as they discover the priest’s malicious intent.
- Lack of emotion of residents, gloomy colours, and zombie-like movement towards the church
- This is juxtaposed by society showing emotion as Bubba says “Father, you have brought this upon us”
- The audience realises the utter chaos brought about by the priest’s manipulation through emotionally moving images of chaotic screaming and gory, violent scenes of decapitations and murders.
- Transition to bright colours of the town after everyone has murdered each other
- Contrasts the earlier darkness shrouding the town.
- Illustrates the emotional discovery of audiences as they are confronted with the shift from graphic scenes to the joyous atmosphere of the town.
Thanks!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 17, 2017, 01:25:02 pm
Hello! Would appreciate feedback for this essay:
Sure thing! Feedback in bold :)
Spoiler
Individuals are able to reform perspectives about themselves and others through accepting and questioning self-discoveries which prompt far-reaching and transformative impacts. Good Thesis, should be easily adaptable to a range of questions! These newly formed perspectives allow individuals to embrace pivotal moments in their lives, and by extension any far-reaching implications drawn by such moments. The confronting, yet far-reaching ramifications of such discoveries are explored in Rosemary Dobson Collected, in particular “Young Girl at a Window” and “Painter of Antwerp”, and Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality are you creating for yourself?. Both texts address the emotional discoveries and impacts experienced by the personas as they strive, to differing extents, to change notions of themselves. A solid introduction - I'd expect you to tweak it to respond to the question in front of you, adding more detail if necessary, but in terms of a generic introduction I think it works well. You might also wish to lay out your paragraph arguments somewhere!
Reluctance and apprehension can prevent individuals from engaging in transformative experiences and learning fundamental aspects of life, and while the impact of these may be great, their extent can vary in terms of change. Good concept, though I think you could simplify the two latter phrases to one. Just" which can vary in their impact," or something would work. Rosemary Dobson’s poem Young Girl at a Window delves into the thought process of a child whose shifting perspectives on her transition into adulthood force her to consider the inevitability of change in her life. This inevitability is established in the opening line, ‘Lift your hand to the window latch’, where an imperative tone is employed to demonstrate the demands of maturation and the emotional and intellectual challenges adulthood imposes. Excellent analysis, though I don't think the quote is the best example of the technique you say it is. Further substantiating the idea of personal growth, the “window” which the girl looks through is symbolic of the threshold between child and adulthood, and the many opportunities between. The fact that the child ‘turns and moves away’ captures her apprehension in moving forward. Be careful you aren't relying on the plot points/actions of the characters too much in establishing your concepts. The grim depiction of maturing is portrayed through the subject’s negative response in first perceiving the discovery, as shown in ‘Since Time was killed and now lies dead’. This graphic, war imagery exaggerates the emotional and mental battle occurring within the girl’s cognitive, capturing the aggressiveness of the challenging transition into adulthood, which she holds with great reluctance and fear to directly face. That was a slightly confusing bit of analysis - This is common when you put the technique in a different sentence to the quote, wherever possible try to put them together! The capitalisation of the ‘t’ in ‘Time’ emphasises its importance and inevitability as a factor in her transition into adulthood. The short sudden sentence and hopeful tone in ‘Or Time was lost’, however, captures a gradual change in heart as the girl begins to embrace her process of maturing. Be sure to link these conceptual ideas to the audience, go beyond what the techniques reveal about the characters. This quick sentence contrasts the rest of the poem, putting clear emphasis that the girl discovers that the inevitable does not have to be bad. Dissimilarly, in Painter, the protagonist’s discomfort in unfamiliar territory causes him to not embrace change, but appreciate what he already has. Slipped a bit into retell here. This is enforced through the ambivalent descriptions capturing Breughel’s feelings towards Italian art, such as ‘odd adventures … full of queer notions’, where the concepts presented by such art are incomprehensible due to their grandeur and unrealistic nature in comparison to his much more earthly art. The hesitant tone throughout portrays Breughel’s discomfort with the extravagant fantasies presented by Renaissance art, but this contrasts with the supposed grand imagery of ‘souring wings’, where he acknowledges the beauty of the mundane. Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion summarising the ideas you have presented therein, and linking to the question!!
Creative and intellectual discoveries evoked by curiosity become more meaningful if individuals can draw on the experiences and discoveries of others to renew and bolster their personal perspectives on life’s true purpose. Dobson’s ekphrastic poem, Painter of Antwerp, based off the painting “Landscape with the Fall of Icarus”, captures both the fulfilling and uninspiring consequences of making discoveries. Ordinary figures such as the ‘ploughman, fisherman, and moon-faced shepherd’ are ironically characterised to be of greater importance than the supposed grandeur of the Italian renaissance – especially Icarus: ‘Icarus sprawling, two feet out of the sea’. What does this characterisation achieve in terms of Discovery? This condescending tone and characterisation of a well-known mythical figure focusses on his fatal, human flaw of hubris, conveying him as uninspiring. Good on what it reveals about character, what about Discovery more broadly? You should try to do this immediately, rather than the link you do in the next sentence. His mistake, however, is a valuable learning lesson for Breughel, and the responder – who transform their perspectives about a meaningful existence. The appreciation of beauty in the ordinary is a key aspect of the poem. As Breughel returns after making a physical discovery – about the Renaissance art in Italy – the repetition of the imperative ‘Plod homeward Breughel’ consolidates the ‘[rejection of] the fanciful’. We've slipped into retell there, see how you've identified what was happening in the text around the quote? Instead of changing his artistic style into an unknown, sophisticated form, he chooses to continue with the art of the natural world – his original works, as referred to in the symbolism and liminal space of ‘At the top of the Alps … looked backwards’. Retell. Thus, Breughel is faced with an intellectual and creative rediscovery about the beauty of simplicity, one that he has a deeper appreciation for after the uninspiring discovery of Renaissance Italy. As such, the speaker and audience can draw on the experiences of Breughel, incorporating his experiences into their lives as a metaphor for the appreciation of the human experience, rather than the superficial values placed onto us by society. Good job bringing it back to the audience, but it would be BETTER to just get straight here, not have to use the character as a vehicle for the concept. Like, the audience should be brought in all the time, not just at the end. The symbolism of the ‘great plumed hat’ refers to the social and economic hierarchy imposed by society, yet Breughel’s choice to distance himself from this captures his discovery that humanity should remain true to themselves. Self-reflection and curiosity are similarly shown as fundamental aspects in making a healthy discovery. In What reality?, Lidsky’s speech acts as a catalyst for self-discoveries within the immediate and extended audience, who learn from the experiences of others. This is true to Lidsky’s intent, as an imperative tone is used to instruct the audience on how to ‘live their eyes wide open’, encouraging them to “see beyond [their] fears”. Bringing the related in at the end here feels very forced, it feels like an afterthought. I'd ditch this and just focus on the paragraph at the end, OR work on achieving a more even split in each paragraph.
When confronted with limits, individuals must re-evaluate previously held notions of themselves and consider changing in order to progress in an alternative way. In doing so, the very challenge they once felt entirely disinclined to complete becomes a fuel for one of the most transformative catalytic events in their lives. Really like this concept. Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality? explores the obstacles associated with a limitation such as blindness, and the impact of this on his journey of self-discovery. By referring to his experience of being a blind entrepreneur, Lidsky can transmit his motif to the audience: ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’. This, a seemingly paradoxical proposition, encapsulates the notion of allowing such limitations to empower those affected intellectually and emotionally – if one is open to rediscovery. Good. When Lidsky first receives news of his diagnosis, his fear of the physical discovery is incorporated through the hyperbole: ‘Blindness was a death sentence for my independence’. This captures fear as a prominent factor which clouds much of how individuals envision their lives to be – all or nothing. This is the structure to use if you can't get everything in one sentence, technique and quote in one then explanation in the other. This contrasts with the transformation of his perception in ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’ where his limitation no longer is a hindrance and instead has enhanced mental growth and maturation into a more wholesome person. Technique here? The extent of Lidsky’s blindness is realised through the use of cumulative listing, wherein ‘The salesperson … was really a mannequin…. wash[ing] my hands, I saw it was a urinal’, his ineptitude at simple everyday tasks is highlighted. Be careful we aren't turning this into a retell of the speakers circumstances - In saying that, you could also explore how the audience responds to this listing? Is it shock? Empathy? Hence, an antithesis is formed, illustrating that despite the severity of the limitation, an individual should not form destructive assumptions about reality – these instead should be transformed into a positive experience. This “blessing in disguise” enables Lidsky to eliminate the ‘complex mental construction’ created by sight, allowing him to undergo an intellectual discovery and continue with his entrepreneurship in a way he had never done before. He does not let his disability distort his way of life – but rather – he transforms and enhances his very being in a surprising, positive way. We're heavily focused on the speaker here; remember the purpose isn't to analyse what we learn about the speaker, but what we learn about Discovery through the speakers use of rhetoric. Slightly too 'text focused,' except now it is 'speaker focused.'
Reluctance and apprehension can prevent individuals from engaging in transformative experiences and learning fundamental aspects of life, and while the impact of these may be great, their extent can vary in terms of change. Good concept, though I think you could simplify the two latter phrases to one. Just" which can vary in their impact," or something would work. Rosemary Dobson’s poem Young Girl at a Window delves into the thought process of a child whose shifting perspectives on her transition into adulthood force her to consider the inevitability of change in her life. This inevitability is established in the opening line, ‘Lift your hand to the window latch’, where an imperative tone is employed to demonstrate the demands of maturation and the emotional and intellectual challenges adulthood imposes. Excellent analysis, though I don't think the quote is the best example of the technique you say it is. Further substantiating the idea of personal growth, the “window” which the girl looks through is symbolic of the threshold between child and adulthood, and the many opportunities between. The fact that the child ‘turns and moves away’ captures her apprehension in moving forward. Be careful you aren't relying on the plot points/actions of the characters too much in establishing your concepts. The grim depiction of maturing is portrayed through the subject’s negative response in first perceiving the discovery, as shown in ‘Since Time was killed and now lies dead’. This graphic, war imagery exaggerates the emotional and mental battle occurring within the girl’s cognitive, capturing the aggressiveness of the challenging transition into adulthood, which she holds with great reluctance and fear to directly face. That was a slightly confusing bit of analysis - This is common when you put the technique in a different sentence to the quote, wherever possible try to put them together! The capitalisation of the ‘t’ in ‘Time’ emphasises its importance and inevitability as a factor in her transition into adulthood. The short sudden sentence and hopeful tone in ‘Or Time was lost’, however, captures a gradual change in heart as the girl begins to embrace her process of maturing. Be sure to link these conceptual ideas to the audience, go beyond what the techniques reveal about the characters. This quick sentence contrasts the rest of the poem, putting clear emphasis that the girl discovers that the inevitable does not have to be bad. Dissimilarly, in Painter, the protagonist’s discomfort in unfamiliar territory causes him to not embrace change, but appreciate what he already has. Slipped a bit into retell here. This is enforced through the ambivalent descriptions capturing Breughel’s feelings towards Italian art, such as ‘odd adventures … full of queer notions’, where the concepts presented by such art are incomprehensible due to their grandeur and unrealistic nature in comparison to his much more earthly art. The hesitant tone throughout portrays Breughel’s discomfort with the extravagant fantasies presented by Renaissance art, but this contrasts with the supposed grand imagery of ‘souring wings’, where he acknowledges the beauty of the mundane. Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion summarising the ideas you have presented therein, and linking to the question!!
Creative and intellectual discoveries evoked by curiosity become more meaningful if individuals can draw on the experiences and discoveries of others to renew and bolster their personal perspectives on life’s true purpose. Dobson’s ekphrastic poem, Painter of Antwerp, based off the painting “Landscape with the Fall of Icarus”, captures both the fulfilling and uninspiring consequences of making discoveries. Ordinary figures such as the ‘ploughman, fisherman, and moon-faced shepherd’ are ironically characterised to be of greater importance than the supposed grandeur of the Italian renaissance – especially Icarus: ‘Icarus sprawling, two feet out of the sea’. What does this characterisation achieve in terms of Discovery? This condescending tone and characterisation of a well-known mythical figure focusses on his fatal, human flaw of hubris, conveying him as uninspiring. Good on what it reveals about character, what about Discovery more broadly? You should try to do this immediately, rather than the link you do in the next sentence. His mistake, however, is a valuable learning lesson for Breughel, and the responder – who transform their perspectives about a meaningful existence. The appreciation of beauty in the ordinary is a key aspect of the poem. As Breughel returns after making a physical discovery – about the Renaissance art in Italy – the repetition of the imperative ‘Plod homeward Breughel’ consolidates the ‘[rejection of] the fanciful’. We've slipped into retell there, see how you've identified what was happening in the text around the quote? Instead of changing his artistic style into an unknown, sophisticated form, he chooses to continue with the art of the natural world – his original works, as referred to in the symbolism and liminal space of ‘At the top of the Alps … looked backwards’. Retell. Thus, Breughel is faced with an intellectual and creative rediscovery about the beauty of simplicity, one that he has a deeper appreciation for after the uninspiring discovery of Renaissance Italy. As such, the speaker and audience can draw on the experiences of Breughel, incorporating his experiences into their lives as a metaphor for the appreciation of the human experience, rather than the superficial values placed onto us by society. Good job bringing it back to the audience, but it would be BETTER to just get straight here, not have to use the character as a vehicle for the concept. Like, the audience should be brought in all the time, not just at the end. The symbolism of the ‘great plumed hat’ refers to the social and economic hierarchy imposed by society, yet Breughel’s choice to distance himself from this captures his discovery that humanity should remain true to themselves. Self-reflection and curiosity are similarly shown as fundamental aspects in making a healthy discovery. In What reality?, Lidsky’s speech acts as a catalyst for self-discoveries within the immediate and extended audience, who learn from the experiences of others. This is true to Lidsky’s intent, as an imperative tone is used to instruct the audience on how to ‘live their eyes wide open’, encouraging them to “see beyond [their] fears”. Bringing the related in at the end here feels very forced, it feels like an afterthought. I'd ditch this and just focus on the paragraph at the end, OR work on achieving a more even split in each paragraph.
When confronted with limits, individuals must re-evaluate previously held notions of themselves and consider changing in order to progress in an alternative way. In doing so, the very challenge they once felt entirely disinclined to complete becomes a fuel for one of the most transformative catalytic events in their lives. Really like this concept. Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality? explores the obstacles associated with a limitation such as blindness, and the impact of this on his journey of self-discovery. By referring to his experience of being a blind entrepreneur, Lidsky can transmit his motif to the audience: ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’. This, a seemingly paradoxical proposition, encapsulates the notion of allowing such limitations to empower those affected intellectually and emotionally – if one is open to rediscovery. Good. When Lidsky first receives news of his diagnosis, his fear of the physical discovery is incorporated through the hyperbole: ‘Blindness was a death sentence for my independence’. This captures fear as a prominent factor which clouds much of how individuals envision their lives to be – all or nothing. This is the structure to use if you can't get everything in one sentence, technique and quote in one then explanation in the other. This contrasts with the transformation of his perception in ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’ where his limitation no longer is a hindrance and instead has enhanced mental growth and maturation into a more wholesome person. Technique here? The extent of Lidsky’s blindness is realised through the use of cumulative listing, wherein ‘The salesperson … was really a mannequin…. wash[ing] my hands, I saw it was a urinal’, his ineptitude at simple everyday tasks is highlighted. Be careful we aren't turning this into a retell of the speakers circumstances - In saying that, you could also explore how the audience responds to this listing? Is it shock? Empathy? Hence, an antithesis is formed, illustrating that despite the severity of the limitation, an individual should not form destructive assumptions about reality – these instead should be transformed into a positive experience. This “blessing in disguise” enables Lidsky to eliminate the ‘complex mental construction’ created by sight, allowing him to undergo an intellectual discovery and continue with his entrepreneurship in a way he had never done before. He does not let his disability distort his way of life – but rather – he transforms and enhances his very being in a surprising, positive way. We're heavily focused on the speaker here; remember the purpose isn't to analyse what we learn about the speaker, but what we learn about Discovery through the speakers use of rhetoric. Slightly too 'text focused,' except now it is 'speaker focused.'
I think this is a strong essay! Good concepts that should bend nicely to suit most questions, and a great selection of textual evidence and analysis. Make sure you are linking these techniques to concepts, not just to what we learn about the characters (you did this a lot in your last paragraph, we don't care so much about the speaker, we want Discovery concepts) - Remember, characters are just puppets.
Structurally, you also have probably shifted too far towards your prescribed - Shortening every paragraph to add room for a second paragraph on your related could be beneficial?
Besides that, my comments throughout should cover my thoughts - Good stuff Winston :)
Post by: winstondarmawan on September 18, 2017, 06:26:56 pm
Sure thing! Feedback in bold :)SpoilerIndividuals are able to reform perspectives about themselves and others through accepting and questioning self-discoveries which prompt far-reaching and transformative impacts. Good Thesis, should be easily adaptable to a range of questions! These newly formed perspectives allow individuals to embrace pivotal moments in their lives, and by extension any far-reaching implications drawn by such moments. The confronting, yet far-reaching ramifications of such discoveries are explored in Rosemary Dobson Collected, in particular “Young Girl at a Window” and “Painter of Antwerp”, and Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality are you creating for yourself?. Both texts address the emotional discoveries and impacts experienced by the personas as they strive, to differing extents, to change notions of themselves. A solid introduction - I'd expect you to tweak it to respond to the question in front of you, adding more detail if necessary, but in terms of a generic introduction I think it works well. You might also wish to lay out your paragraph arguments somewhere!
Reluctance and apprehension can prevent individuals from engaging in transformative experiences and learning fundamental aspects of life, and while the impact of these may be great, their extent can vary in terms of change. Good concept, though I think you could simplify the two latter phrases to one. Just" which can vary in their impact," or something would work. Rosemary Dobson’s poem Young Girl at a Window delves into the thought process of a child whose shifting perspectives on her transition into adulthood force her to consider the inevitability of change in her life. This inevitability is established in the opening line, ‘Lift your hand to the window latch’, where an imperative tone is employed to demonstrate the demands of maturation and the emotional and intellectual challenges adulthood imposes. Excellent analysis, though I don't think the quote is the best example of the technique you say it is. Further substantiating the idea of personal growth, the “window” which the girl looks through is symbolic of the threshold between child and adulthood, and the many opportunities between. The fact that the child ‘turns and moves away’ captures her apprehension in moving forward. Be careful you aren't relying on the plot points/actions of the characters too much in establishing your concepts. The grim depiction of maturing is portrayed through the subject’s negative response in first perceiving the discovery, as shown in ‘Since Time was killed and now lies dead’. This graphic, war imagery exaggerates the emotional and mental battle occurring within the girl’s cognitive, capturing the aggressiveness of the challenging transition into adulthood, which she holds with great reluctance and fear to directly face. That was a slightly confusing bit of analysis - This is common when you put the technique in a different sentence to the quote, wherever possible try to put them together! The capitalisation of the ‘t’ in ‘Time’ emphasises its importance and inevitability as a factor in her transition into adulthood. The short sudden sentence and hopeful tone in ‘Or Time was lost’, however, captures a gradual change in heart as the girl begins to embrace her process of maturing. Be sure to link these conceptual ideas to the audience, go beyond what the techniques reveal about the characters. This quick sentence contrasts the rest of the poem, putting clear emphasis that the girl discovers that the inevitable does not have to be bad. Dissimilarly, in Painter, the protagonist’s discomfort in unfamiliar territory causes him to not embrace change, but appreciate what he already has. Slipped a bit into retell here. This is enforced through the ambivalent descriptions capturing Breughel’s feelings towards Italian art, such as ‘odd adventures … full of queer notions’, where the concepts presented by such art are incomprehensible due to their grandeur and unrealistic nature in comparison to his much more earthly art. The hesitant tone throughout portrays Breughel’s discomfort with the extravagant fantasies presented by Renaissance art, but this contrasts with the supposed grand imagery of ‘souring wings’, where he acknowledges the beauty of the mundane. Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion summarising the ideas you have presented therein, and linking to the question!!
Creative and intellectual discoveries evoked by curiosity become more meaningful if individuals can draw on the experiences and discoveries of others to renew and bolster their personal perspectives on life’s true purpose. Dobson’s ekphrastic poem, Painter of Antwerp, based off the painting “Landscape with the Fall of Icarus”, captures both the fulfilling and uninspiring consequences of making discoveries. Ordinary figures such as the ‘ploughman, fisherman, and moon-faced shepherd’ are ironically characterised to be of greater importance than the supposed grandeur of the Italian renaissance – especially Icarus: ‘Icarus sprawling, two feet out of the sea’. What does this characterisation achieve in terms of Discovery? This condescending tone and characterisation of a well-known mythical figure focusses on his fatal, human flaw of hubris, conveying him as uninspiring. Good on what it reveals about character, what about Discovery more broadly? You should try to do this immediately, rather than the link you do in the next sentence. His mistake, however, is a valuable learning lesson for Breughel, and the responder – who transform their perspectives about a meaningful existence. The appreciation of beauty in the ordinary is a key aspect of the poem. As Breughel returns after making a physical discovery – about the Renaissance art in Italy – the repetition of the imperative ‘Plod homeward Breughel’ consolidates the ‘[rejection of] the fanciful’. We've slipped into retell there, see how you've identified what was happening in the text around the quote? Instead of changing his artistic style into an unknown, sophisticated form, he chooses to continue with the art of the natural world – his original works, as referred to in the symbolism and liminal space of ‘At the top of the Alps … looked backwards’. Retell. Thus, Breughel is faced with an intellectual and creative rediscovery about the beauty of simplicity, one that he has a deeper appreciation for after the uninspiring discovery of Renaissance Italy. As such, the speaker and audience can draw on the experiences of Breughel, incorporating his experiences into their lives as a metaphor for the appreciation of the human experience, rather than the superficial values placed onto us by society. Good job bringing it back to the audience, but it would be BETTER to just get straight here, not have to use the character as a vehicle for the concept. Like, the audience should be brought in all the time, not just at the end. The symbolism of the ‘great plumed hat’ refers to the social and economic hierarchy imposed by society, yet Breughel’s choice to distance himself from this captures his discovery that humanity should remain true to themselves. Self-reflection and curiosity are similarly shown as fundamental aspects in making a healthy discovery. In What reality?, Lidsky’s speech acts as a catalyst for self-discoveries within the immediate and extended audience, who learn from the experiences of others. This is true to Lidsky’s intent, as an imperative tone is used to instruct the audience on how to ‘live their eyes wide open’, encouraging them to “see beyond [their] fears”. Bringing the related in at the end here feels very forced, it feels like an afterthought. I'd ditch this and just focus on the paragraph at the end, OR work on achieving a more even split in each paragraph.
When confronted with limits, individuals must re-evaluate previously held notions of themselves and consider changing in order to progress in an alternative way. In doing so, the very challenge they once felt entirely disinclined to complete becomes a fuel for one of the most transformative catalytic events in their lives. Really like this concept. Isaac Lidsky’s TEDTalk What reality? explores the obstacles associated with a limitation such as blindness, and the impact of this on his journey of self-discovery. By referring to his experience of being a blind entrepreneur, Lidsky can transmit his motif to the audience: ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’. This, a seemingly paradoxical proposition, encapsulates the notion of allowing such limitations to empower those affected intellectually and emotionally – if one is open to rediscovery. Good. When Lidsky first receives news of his diagnosis, his fear of the physical discovery is incorporated through the hyperbole: ‘Blindness was a death sentence for my independence’. This captures fear as a prominent factor which clouds much of how individuals envision their lives to be – all or nothing. This is the structure to use if you can't get everything in one sentence, technique and quote in one then explanation in the other. This contrasts with the transformation of his perception in ‘Going blind taught me to live my life eyes wide open’ where his limitation no longer is a hindrance and instead has enhanced mental growth and maturation into a more wholesome person. Technique here? The extent of Lidsky’s blindness is realised through the use of cumulative listing, wherein ‘The salesperson … was really a mannequin…. wash[ing] my hands, I saw it was a urinal’, his ineptitude at simple everyday tasks is highlighted. Be careful we aren't turning this into a retell of the speakers circumstances - In saying that, you could also explore how the audience responds to this listing? Is it shock? Empathy? Hence, an antithesis is formed, illustrating that despite the severity of the limitation, an individual should not form destructive assumptions about reality – these instead should be transformed into a positive experience. This “blessing in disguise” enables Lidsky to eliminate the ‘complex mental construction’ created by sight, allowing him to undergo an intellectual discovery and continue with his entrepreneurship in a way he had never done before. He does not let his disability distort his way of life – but rather – he transforms and enhances his very being in a surprising, positive way. We're heavily focused on the speaker here; remember the purpose isn't to analyse what we learn about the speaker, but what we learn about Discovery through the speakers use of rhetoric. Slightly too 'text focused,' except now it is 'speaker focused.'
I think this is a strong essay! Good concepts that should bend nicely to suit most questions, and a great selection of textual evidence and analysis. Make sure you are linking these techniques to concepts, not just to what we learn about the characters (you did this a lot in your last paragraph, we don't care so much about the speaker, we want Discovery concepts) - Remember, characters are just puppets.
Structurally, you also have probably shifted too far towards your prescribed - Shortening every paragraph to add room for a second paragraph on your related could be beneficial?
Besides that, my comments throughout should cover my thoughts - Good stuff Winston :)
Thank you for the feedback!
In your opinion, should I abandon the integrated analysis structure for this essay? I think I have utilised it inefficiently and given the minimal analysis I have allowed for the texts I have integrated into the paragraph I don't think that a meaningful and/or substantiated link is evident.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 18, 2017, 06:28:36 pm
Thank you for the feedback!
In your opinion, should I abandon the integrated analysis structure for this essay? I think I have utilised it inefficiently and given the minimal analysis I have allowed for the texts I have integrated into the paragraph I don't think that a meaningful and/or substantiated link is evident.
I don't think swapping structures will add or subtract anything, so if you personally feel you can do a better job doing it in a block style, then go for it. Very much your call - I think you can definitely work with your integrated version though ;D
Post by: HSCNewcastle2017 on September 19, 2017, 11:13:24 pm
Would really appreciate some feedback. Only got 7/15 in my trial however due to time constraints I didn't manage to include as much detail.
The question asks “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes”
Thanks in advance.
Spoiler
This metaphor by Marcel Proust invites the responder to explore new horizons with the message that the real voyage of discovery is exploring individuals’ inner space, by questioning hegemonic belief systems and by being mindful and paying attention to how individuals perceive themselves and the world. Individuals’ varying experiences uncovers the deepest truth and brings forth the best version of ourselves. The play ‘Away’ by Michael Gow successfully places his characters into life changing situations to force them to gain fresh perspectives on the world and those around them, in the Vietnam War era. Meanwhile, the memoir ’The Happiest Refugee’ by Anh Do explores the growth and change of a refugee and his own discovery and acceptance of his culture and how we can look at this with ‘’new’’ eyes.
It is through encounters with others and society that characters are transformed the most, both in attitudes and values. In the play ‘Away’, Gow effectively engages the audience in Coral’s journey through placing her into interactions with other characters that have had cleansing effect on her. Coral’s heartfelt soliloquy reveals her isolation and confusion as a result of the death of her son. The repetition of the rhetorical question, “What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?” shows that she is not coping with her grief as a result of her son’s death. Tom reminds her of her lost son and becomes a mentor in her healing. In playlet ‘’The stranger on the Shore’’ Tom uses his only wish not to return to ‘’normal life’’, but to metaphorically help Coral to live. Coral’s hesitance to recover is conveyed through her dialogue, “I cannot walk I am afraid” which meets affirmative Tom’s “I’ll show you how”. Tom plays the role of metaphoric healer and encourages Coral’s catharsis and growth as a person. Further Coral’s transformation is conveyed through the use of mime. The symbolism of Coral’s holding handful of shells and letting them fall through her and sharing this moment with Roy conveys that the time away helped her to rediscover herself and to form deeper bond with others. Through Coral’s character transformation, Gow shows the audience that self-growth can only come through interaction with others and change can only come through a willingness to change and accept the helping hand of others.
Through experiences with the world we discover our true place of understanding, the place we feel most comfortable. Within ‘Away’, the significance of this realisation is demonstrated through Gwen’s character. At the beginning of the play, Gwen is represented as a miserable judgemental woman conveyed through an angry outburst when her set of keys have gone missing, “I have not got them. There! Are they there? Can you see a set of keys? Can anyone see a set of keys?’’. Keys are a symbol of direction searching for meaning of her life, while her empty handbag is symbolic of her exposing her life and frustration. The sudden discovery of Gwen’s past, “You’ll never know what we saw, never be without a home, never be afraid everything could fall apart any second” creates a message for the responder to develop empathy. The repetition of word ‘’never’’ conveys the hardship experienced by Gwen and the effect it has on her character. Gwen’s judgemental attitude is challenged after her discovering Tom’s fate. Transformation takes place as she walks with Tom’s mother Vic in gesture of equality and solidarity. Water imagery symbolises moral cleansing, discovery that tolerance and respect for others are more valuable than material things. The repetitive inclusion of rhetorical questions as Gwen wonders ‘’what am I trying to say?” indicates the depth of transformation she has undergone. Through these examples, Gow is showing the audience the importance of self-reflection and the necessity of confronting issues in order to undergo a discovery.
Confrontations and relationships with others lead to new discoveries of self and the world. Anh’s character transforms from being a loving son who looks up to his father to a son prepared to assert himself in order to protect his mum from his father’s abusive behaviour, “If he lays a finger on mum, I will kill him. I took the largest kitchen knife I could find and stuck it under my bed.’’ As a result of the long time periods Anh spent watching his father’s alcohol abuse and the violence that had a detrimental effect on him, he made the shocking discovery that he is prepared to do anything it takes to protect his mother as he transitions into being the man of the household. The imagery of the largest kitchen knife conveys both the shocking factor of this self-discovery and the seriousness of his determination. It is by placing his character into conflicting situations with others that Do enables the audience to develop empathy and learn and discover something about themselves.
The development of one’s character is contributed to the experiences, emotions and changes that they have faced in the past. Anh’s heartfelt honesty in describing his raw and often unflattering emotions is both humbling and disarming. Anh’s struggle with lack of money and feeling of inadequacy due to being poor corrupts the depth of his love for his mum, “What surprised and even shocked me… was not Mum’s willingness to work. The fear of having no money was so merciless and so overwhelming’’. As the story unfolds, this shocking discovery led Anh to develop determination to succeed, “I took jobs that weren’t even comedy, but if it involves me getting up with the microphone, I was there”. By naming some of the unpopular and undesirable jobs Anh was taking on, Do conveys that his road to success was not straightforward, but having to endure detours and challenges that shaped his destiny for the better. Through the use of his character’s realisations and the way he deals with key issues in his life, Do makes the audience understand that although discoveries could be confronting and provocative, they are also necessary in order to progress through life in a positive way.
Individual perceptions are influenced by unhurried revealing of its characters. The author masterfully uses narrative to describe his father, Tam Do as unfailingly brave and clever. Whether he puts himself into harm’s way by bravely using fake ID or when he bravely faces the pirates threatening to execute all his family, it appears that his bravery has no limits. However when questioned by Anh, he admits “If you really want to know the truth, I was shitting myself! All of those times shitting myself!”. Do uses repetition of the phrase ‘’shitting myself” as juxtaposition to his father’s assumed bravery. Through this revealing conversation between father and son, Do enables the audience to develop a new found understanding of his father’s character and see him in a new light, “In that moment my respect for this man went up tenfold” and encouraging them to accept and confront their own fears. In order to fully understand others, Do suggests that we first need to understand ourselves through our character.
We have been programmed to view the world with a set of assumptions, however we have the ability to connect the seemingly unconnected and blend an existing knowledge into new insight about some element of how the world works. It is when we are challenged by difficult circumstances, such as in the play ‘Away’ or by viewing the world from different cultural perspectives, such as in the memoir “The Happiest Refugee”, that we are forced to reflect on our experiences and discover a new sense of perspective about our place in the world. Self-discovery involves introspection and learning about people, places, events and relationships that can challenge previous beliefs and attitudes, and we can do it in our own backyard. Just like Marcel Proust has wisely remarked “The real voyage of discovery consists not of seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”.
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on September 19, 2017, 11:15:14 pm
Hey
Would really appreciate some feedback. Only got 7/15 in my trial however due to time constraints I didn't manage to include as much detail.
The question asks “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes”
Thanks in advance.Spoiler
This metaphor by Marcel Proust invites the responder to explore new horizons with the message that the real voyage of discovery is exploring individuals’ inner space, by questioning hegemonic belief systems and by being mindful and paying attention to how individuals perceive themselves and the world. Individuals’ varying experiences uncovers the deepest truth and brings forth the best version of ourselves. The play ‘Away’ by Michael Gow successfully places his characters into life changing situations to force them to gain fresh perspectives on the world and those around them, in the Vietnam War era. Meanwhile, the memoir ’The Happiest Refugee’ by Anh Do explores the growth and change of a refugee and his own discovery and acceptance of his culture and how we can look at this with ‘’new’’ eyes.
It is through encounters with others and society that characters are transformed the most, both in attitudes and values. In the play ‘Away’, Gow effectively engages the audience in Coral’s journey through placing her into interactions with other characters that have had cleansing effect on her. Coral’s heartfelt soliloquy reveals her isolation and confusion as a result of the death of her son. The repetition of the rhetorical question, “What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?” shows that she is not coping with her grief as a result of her son’s death. Tom reminds her of her lost son and becomes a mentor in her healing. In playlet ‘’The stranger on the Shore’’ Tom uses his only wish not to return to ‘’normal life’’, but to metaphorically help Coral to live. Coral’s hesitance to recover is conveyed through her dialogue, “I cannot walk I am afraid” which meets affirmative Tom’s “I’ll show you how”. Tom plays the role of metaphoric healer and encourages Coral’s catharsis and growth as a person. Further Coral’s transformation is conveyed through the use of mime. The symbolism of Coral’s holding handful of shells and letting them fall through her and sharing this moment with Roy conveys that the time away helped her to rediscover herself and to form deeper bond with others. Through Coral’s character transformation, Gow shows the audience that self-growth can only come through interaction with others and change can only come through a willingness to change and accept the helping hand of others.
Through experiences with the world we discover our true place of understanding, the place we feel most comfortable. Within ‘Away’, the significance of this realisation is demonstrated through Gwen’s character. At the beginning of the play, Gwen is represented as a miserable judgemental woman conveyed through an angry outburst when her set of keys have gone missing, “I have not got them. There! Are they there? Can you see a set of keys? Can anyone see a set of keys?’’. Keys are a symbol of direction searching for meaning of her life, while her empty handbag is symbolic of her exposing her life and frustration. The sudden discovery of Gwen’s past, “You’ll never know what we saw, never be without a home, never be afraid everything could fall apart any second” creates a message for the responder to develop empathy. The repetition of word ‘’never’’ conveys the hardship experienced by Gwen and the effect it has on her character. Gwen’s judgemental attitude is challenged after her discovering Tom’s fate. Transformation takes place as she walks with Tom’s mother Vic in gesture of equality and solidarity. Water imagery symbolises moral cleansing, discovery that tolerance and respect for others are more valuable than material things. The repetitive inclusion of rhetorical questions as Gwen wonders ‘’what am I trying to say?” indicates the depth of transformation she has undergone. Through these examples, Gow is showing the audience the importance of self-reflection and the necessity of confronting issues in order to undergo a discovery.
Confrontations and relationships with others lead to new discoveries of self and the world. Anh’s character transforms from being a loving son who looks up to his father to a son prepared to assert himself in order to protect his mum from his father’s abusive behaviour, “If he lays a finger on mum, I will kill him. I took the largest kitchen knife I could find and stuck it under my bed.’’ As a result of the long time periods Anh spent watching his father’s alcohol abuse and the violence that had a detrimental effect on him, he made the shocking discovery that he is prepared to do anything it takes to protect his mother as he transitions into being the man of the household. The imagery of the largest kitchen knife conveys both the shocking factor of this self-discovery and the seriousness of his determination. It is by placing his character into conflicting situations with others that Do enables the audience to develop empathy and learn and discover something about themselves.
The development of one’s character is contributed to the experiences, emotions and changes that they have faced in the past. Anh’s heartfelt honesty in describing his raw and often unflattering emotions is both humbling and disarming. Anh’s struggle with lack of money and feeling of inadequacy due to being poor corrupts the depth of his love for his mum, “What surprised and even shocked me… was not Mum’s willingness to work. The fear of having no money was so merciless and so overwhelming’’. As the story unfolds, this shocking discovery led Anh to develop determination to succeed, “I took jobs that weren’t even comedy, but if it involves me getting up with the microphone, I was there”. By naming some of the unpopular and undesirable jobs Anh was taking on, Do conveys that his road to success was not straightforward, but having to endure detours and challenges that shaped his destiny for the better. Through the use of his character’s realisations and the way he deals with key issues in his life, Do makes the audience understand that although discoveries could be confronting and provocative, they are also necessary in order to progress through life in a positive way.
Individual perceptions are influenced by unhurried revealing of its characters. The author masterfully uses narrative to describe his father, Tam Do as unfailingly brave and clever. Whether he puts himself into harm’s way by bravely using fake ID or when he bravely faces the pirates threatening to execute all his family, it appears that his bravery has no limits. However when questioned by Anh, he admits “If you really want to know the truth, I was shitting myself! All of those times shitting myself!”. Do uses repetition of the phrase ‘’shitting myself” as juxtaposition to his father’s assumed bravery. Through this revealing conversation between father and son, Do enables the audience to develop a new found understanding of his father’s character and see him in a new light, “In that moment my respect for this man went up tenfold” and encouraging them to accept and confront their own fears. In order to fully understand others, Do suggests that we first need to understand ourselves through our character.
We have been programmed to view the world with a set of assumptions, however we have the ability to connect the seemingly unconnected and blend an existing knowledge into new insight about some element of how the world works. It is when we are challenged by difficult circumstances, such as in the play ‘Away’ or by viewing the world from different cultural perspectives, such as in the memoir “The Happiest Refugee”, that we are forced to reflect on our experiences and discover a new sense of perspective about our place in the world. Self-discovery involves introspection and learning about people, places, events and relationships that can challenge previous beliefs and attitudes, and we can do it in our own backyard. Just like Marcel Proust has wisely remarked “The real voyage of discovery consists not of seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”.
sorry, it's me again - just a heads up that it's 25 posts for work marked! in the meantime, another student may want to give you feedback, but to have your work marked by the markers here it's 25 posts :-)
Post by: blasonduo on September 20, 2017, 06:12:50 pm
This is basically what I wrote in trials (fixed some spelling :P ) and it gave me a 10/15 in my trial paper, and I'd love for you to point out the weak arguments :)
How would I improve? Also, here is the question;
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Thanks! :)
Spoiler
Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. This can lead to new values and ideas which can reflected upon by reconsidering past events. Through the film Life of Pi by Ang Lee and the poem “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” By william Wordsworth, we, the audience are also challenged with these new ideas which engage us to discover a deepened understanding of ourselves.
In “Life of Pi”, Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. Pi discovers a new identity of what was initially hidden in him, being his aggression and survival attributes “Hunger can change everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.” This shows how hunger is willing to consume Pi and reveals his new desperation for survival. This disguised allegory symbolizes Pi’s transition into beast, that reveals that Pi had to change his identity between man and beast in order to survive. Through this, we are able to compare these new attributes to Richard Parker, where we, the audience watch two contrasting worlds clash, a symbol of Pi’s contrasting thoughts which leaves an overall different identity and portrays Pi’s change into Richard Parker, which is driven by his hunger. “You’re seeing your own emotions reflected back in his eyes.” and the constant shots viewed from Richard Parker’s perspective allows the audience to attach emotionally and physically into this new world of Pi’s psychological conflict, and to sympathise with him. It is only when Pi’s integrity has been lost, does he realise the world he has been living in. “He brought the evil out in me, and I have to live with that” The metaphor and emotive tone with the close-up of Pi’s face supports and highlights the emotional distress Pi is facing. As Richard Parker leaves Pi’s life, the colours fade, compared to the first fish killed by Pi, resembles both purity and beauty being drawn out of life. The use of sparse colours with the absence of Richard Parker shows that even though Pi’s worst attributes were revealed by him, these attributes were required to stay alive but are no longer needed, a symbol of a part of Pi is being abandoned, yet forever lingering in his life shown through the close up of Pi sobbing. Through these change in emotions and desires, Pi is able to explore a different perception on himself and the world which draws us, the reader to explore this new personality.
Secondly, These new discoveries lead to new values, ideas or perspectives which can reflected upon about the future or by reconsidering past events. After Pi’s journey and losing an important aspect of his life, “The world lost its enchantment” The metaphor and vivid imagery explores Pi’s newfound independence and explores his new perspective on life; bland and miserable. Pi’s new discovery links to the abandonment of identity through the abandonment of Richard Parker. “I wept like a child, not because I was overwhelmed that having survived, I was weeping because richard parker left me so unceremoniously, it broke my heart.” The emotive tone exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict while the personification of the broken heart further portrays Pi’s emotional conflict with his past experiences especially with his newfound self. From this, Pi is able to adapt to new values and to have a deepened understanding of himself and others, especially through others. “I never was able to thank my father, for all I learnt from him, to tell him without his lessons, I never would have survived.” The dialogue portrays a broken link in Pi’s past, and how reconsidering these events can spark new values and perspectives in his life. Through this, the audience is able to grasp the difficulties in certain discoveries and how a rediscovery has a transformative potential to the character.
Similarly, The title, “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” uses both personification to portray emotionally the loneliness of the cloud to the author to express their perception and ideas on the world, he has the freedom to do whatever he wants, but is unable to discover his identity in the world. Through the discovery of place, the author is able to shape their understanding of life, which changes their emotional standing and outlook on life. “I saw a crowd, A host of golden daffodils; Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.” The personification of the daffodils dancing, gives an atmosphere of flow and rhythm, portraying them as majestic. The daffodils symbolise society as a whole, where the human-like nature explores the new outlook the author has, contrasting to their sense of loneliness and isolation to society portrayed at the beginning. “They stretched in never-ending line … Ten thousand saw I at a glance” The hyperbole communicates the newfound emotions of the author, he is overwhelmed with the daffodils and their beauty. The use of “Glee” and “jocund” adds emotive language to the whole experience, which vividly express the powerful image the author saw and how it made him feel human, he discovered a new world, which offered him new perceptions of the world of nature and himself, which results in new values and identity and through this, a sense of tranquility and contentment is expressed to the audience.
Discovery can be hidden, taking interpretation and deep thoughts before being discovered, which can only be discovered through his personal experience and values. “I gazed—and gazed—but little thought”. The repetition of “gazed” explores the lack of discovery, especially with the importance. It was only later with a “vacant mind” does this discovery transform the author’s perspective on life and society both mentally and emotionally. Rediscoveries can be found through the same past experiences, which can evoke past emotional memories “then my heart with pleasure fills”. The discovery made him able to understand himself and his self-worth in life, and deepens his understanding of himself.
For a text to truly engage its audience, it must first challenge the audience with new perspectives, values or ideas in which we are able to discover ourselves. Both texts effectively engage the audience in a vivid, yet distinct way.
In “Life of Pi”, Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. Pi discovers a new identity of what was initially hidden in him, being his aggression and survival attributes “Hunger can change everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.” This shows how hunger is willing to consume Pi and reveals his new desperation for survival. This disguised allegory symbolizes Pi’s transition into beast, that reveals that Pi had to change his identity between man and beast in order to survive. Through this, we are able to compare these new attributes to Richard Parker, where we, the audience watch two contrasting worlds clash, a symbol of Pi’s contrasting thoughts which leaves an overall different identity and portrays Pi’s change into Richard Parker, which is driven by his hunger. “You’re seeing your own emotions reflected back in his eyes.” and the constant shots viewed from Richard Parker’s perspective allows the audience to attach emotionally and physically into this new world of Pi’s psychological conflict, and to sympathise with him. It is only when Pi’s integrity has been lost, does he realise the world he has been living in. “He brought the evil out in me, and I have to live with that” The metaphor and emotive tone with the close-up of Pi’s face supports and highlights the emotional distress Pi is facing. As Richard Parker leaves Pi’s life, the colours fade, compared to the first fish killed by Pi, resembles both purity and beauty being drawn out of life. The use of sparse colours with the absence of Richard Parker shows that even though Pi’s worst attributes were revealed by him, these attributes were required to stay alive but are no longer needed, a symbol of a part of Pi is being abandoned, yet forever lingering in his life shown through the close up of Pi sobbing. Through these change in emotions and desires, Pi is able to explore a different perception on himself and the world which draws us, the reader to explore this new personality.
Secondly, These new discoveries lead to new values, ideas or perspectives which can reflected upon about the future or by reconsidering past events. After Pi’s journey and losing an important aspect of his life, “The world lost its enchantment” The metaphor and vivid imagery explores Pi’s newfound independence and explores his new perspective on life; bland and miserable. Pi’s new discovery links to the abandonment of identity through the abandonment of Richard Parker. “I wept like a child, not because I was overwhelmed that having survived, I was weeping because richard parker left me so unceremoniously, it broke my heart.” The emotive tone exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict while the personification of the broken heart further portrays Pi’s emotional conflict with his past experiences especially with his newfound self. From this, Pi is able to adapt to new values and to have a deepened understanding of himself and others, especially through others. “I never was able to thank my father, for all I learnt from him, to tell him without his lessons, I never would have survived.” The dialogue portrays a broken link in Pi’s past, and how reconsidering these events can spark new values and perspectives in his life. Through this, the audience is able to grasp the difficulties in certain discoveries and how a rediscovery has a transformative potential to the character.
Similarly, The title, “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” uses both personification to portray emotionally the loneliness of the cloud to the author to express their perception and ideas on the world, he has the freedom to do whatever he wants, but is unable to discover his identity in the world. Through the discovery of place, the author is able to shape their understanding of life, which changes their emotional standing and outlook on life. “I saw a crowd, A host of golden daffodils; Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.” The personification of the daffodils dancing, gives an atmosphere of flow and rhythm, portraying them as majestic. The daffodils symbolise society as a whole, where the human-like nature explores the new outlook the author has, contrasting to their sense of loneliness and isolation to society portrayed at the beginning. “They stretched in never-ending line … Ten thousand saw I at a glance” The hyperbole communicates the newfound emotions of the author, he is overwhelmed with the daffodils and their beauty. The use of “Glee” and “jocund” adds emotive language to the whole experience, which vividly express the powerful image the author saw and how it made him feel human, he discovered a new world, which offered him new perceptions of the world of nature and himself, which results in new values and identity and through this, a sense of tranquility and contentment is expressed to the audience.
Discovery can be hidden, taking interpretation and deep thoughts before being discovered, which can only be discovered through his personal experience and values. “I gazed—and gazed—but little thought”. The repetition of “gazed” explores the lack of discovery, especially with the importance. It was only later with a “vacant mind” does this discovery transform the author’s perspective on life and society both mentally and emotionally. Rediscoveries can be found through the same past experiences, which can evoke past emotional memories “then my heart with pleasure fills”. The discovery made him able to understand himself and his self-worth in life, and deepens his understanding of himself.
For a text to truly engage its audience, it must first challenge the audience with new perspectives, values or ideas in which we are able to discover ourselves. Both texts effectively engage the audience in a vivid, yet distinct way.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 20, 2017, 06:18:51 pm
Hi! Just wondering if I could get feedback on these notes (basically an essay in dot point form). The main concern is the related since I basically forced my mod C related in:
Hey! Sure thing - I'll do my best to get a feel for the strength of your analysis ;D
Spoiler
New Understandings
Discoveries about one’s surroundings can lead to new understandings as their previous perspectives are challenged.
Good Thesis, you could hone in on what SORT of new understandings and what SORT of challenges depending on the question.
This is emphasised as Guevara’s plan to journey Latin America results in a realisation of the harsh landscape.
- “distant countries, heroic deeds and beautiful women spun around and around in our turbulent imaginations”
I wouldn't say this quote is the best example vivid imagery, there's not many descriptors.
- Despite his idealised planning, Guevara is confronted with the “sulphur mines in the mountains where the climate is so bad and the living conditions so hard”.
- Causes audiences to empathise with Guevara’s unexpected observation of the unrelenting environment.
Be careful that you aren't presenting your quotes in a text-focused way, you don't need to explain the context of the quote within the story to this extent, necessarily. Good inclusion of the audience response. Quote might be a tad long, could you just pull the second half?
- “the lives of the poor … who die miserably in one of the thousand traps set by nature”
Ditto here, only the last part of the quote shows the techniques - Go easy on yourself by only remembering the crucial bit. What does Guevara's new understanding reveal to the audience more generally?
Comparatively, Mathorne meticulously depicts the notion of nonconformity, as the audience discovers the chaotic consequences of the Tramp’s disillusionment and society is instilled with tremendous fear.
- The priest’s high modality command, “submit to the Lord” and high angle
Good combination of literary/filmic techniques, but again be careful of text-focused analysis. Go beyond what it reveals about the text/characters - What does it reveal about the conceptual idea?
- “The undertaker’s coming”
- The sudden and unexpected discovery of the Undertaker coming to the town causes immense fear in individuals and disruption of social stability.
Very text focused analysis here as well, go BEYOND how it affects the society and the text, this relies heavily on the plot point rather than the techniques.
- Society hiding in their barricaded houses
- Portrays the profound fear discovered by the residents and causes audiences to understand the chaos caused by the disillusioned Tramp.
Try and make the audiences understand something broader, say, the fear that nonconformity induces, for example.
Transformation
The complex process of discovery can be confronting and provocative for individuals as they make emotional discoveries about individuals and society.
Such is true of Guevara’s travelogue as he is emotionally confronted with the struggle of the proletariat within Latin America, sparking his new Marxist values.
- “We had been knights of the road; we belonged to the long-standing wandering aristocracy”
What does this reveal about transformation?
- One of Guevara’s first findings is the communist “couple, numb with cold”, “had not one single miserable blanket to cover themselves with” and “carried a mysterious tragic air”
Slightly retell in how you've presented the quote in the notes - Be sure not to do that in the essay itself. Perfectly fine for your own cues.
- His realisation is seen as, if humanity is cleaved “into two antagonistic halves, I will be with the people”
- The hyperbole reveals the extent to which he will pursue equality and justice as his worldview has been significantly altered.
This is good, you've broadened the analysis a bit to a broader exploration of a confronting Discovery. Still slightly too focused on "him," you need to go beyond analysing the character.
On the other hand, Mathorne’s animation depicts the employment of religious power to control society. However, power is a construct shaped by the flaws of human intellect and hence, both the audience and Backwater residents are emotionally confronted as they discover the priest’s malicious intent.
- Lack of emotion of residents, gloomy colours, and zombie-like movement towards the church
That first bit of lack of meaning and purpose, is where the focus should lie. The realisation about the residents in the story is meaningless!
- This is juxtaposed by society showing emotion as Bubba says “Father, you have brought this upon us”
- The audience realises the utter chaos brought about by the priest’s manipulation through emotionally moving images of chaotic screaming and gory, violent scenes of decapitations and murders.
- Transition to bright colours of the town after everyone has murdered each other
- Contrasts the earlier darkness shrouding the town.
- Illustrates the emotional discovery of audiences as they are confronted with the shift from graphic scenes to the joyous atmosphere of the town.
What sort of emotional Discovery? Be specific, link it to your theme of transformation.
I'd say your analysis of your related is good! Definitely didn't strike me as overly out of place ;D my biggest comment is probably that your analysis is very text focused, very much focused on what the audience learns about "the residents," or "Guevera," etc. This is like talking about a puppet rather than the ventriloquist - You are analysing the puppet rather than what the puppet is saying. Go beyond the characters of the story and focus instead on what the audience is being taught conceptually about Discovery ;D
(I know the composer/character gap is blurred for the memoir, so a little more leeway there) :)
I made some comments in bold throughout as well - Hope the feedback is helpful ;D
Post by: pikachu975 on September 21, 2017, 01:14:36 am
Hey! Sure thing - I'll do my best to get a feel for the strength of your analysis ;DSpoiler
New Understandings
Discoveries about one’s surroundings can lead to new understandings as their previous perspectives are challenged.
Good Thesis, you could hone in on what SORT of new understandings and what SORT of challenges depending on the question.
This is emphasised as Guevara’s plan to journey Latin America results in a realisation of the harsh landscape.- The vivid imagery details his initial idealistic vision of his journey.
- “distant countries, heroic deeds and beautiful women spun around and around in our turbulent imaginations”
I wouldn't say this quote is the best example vivid imagery, there's not many descriptors.- The stifling connotations joined with conjunction - “and”, bring together the unforgiving climate and inhumane living conditions.
- Despite his idealised planning, Guevara is confronted with the “sulphur mines in the mountains where the climate is so bad and the living conditions so hard”.
- Causes audiences to empathise with Guevara’s unexpected observation of the unrelenting environment.
Be careful that you aren't presenting your quotes in a text-focused way, you don't need to explain the context of the quote within the story to this extent, necessarily. Good inclusion of the audience response. Quote might be a tad long, could you just pull the second half?- Personification of nature reveals Guevara’s new understanding of humanity’s struggle against powerful natural forces, changed from his idealistic vision of the land.
- “the lives of the poor … who die miserably in one of the thousand traps set by nature”
Ditto here, only the last part of the quote shows the techniques - Go easy on yourself by only remembering the crucial bit. What does Guevara's new understanding reveal to the audience more generally?
Comparatively, Mathorne meticulously depicts the notion of nonconformity, as the audience discovers the chaotic consequences of the Tramp’s disillusionment and society is instilled with tremendous fear.- Provides to the audience an initial view of the powerful priest controlling society and the Tramp’s beliefs, but he is disenfranchised as he retorts, “Why don’t you try it?”
- The priest’s high modality command, “submit to the Lord” and high angle
Good combination of literary/filmic techniques, but again be careful of text-focused analysis. Go beyond what it reveals about the text/characters - What does it reveal about the conceptual idea?- Followed by the shaking camera and fearful facial expressions
- “The undertaker’s coming”
- The sudden and unexpected discovery of the Undertaker coming to the town causes immense fear in individuals and disruption of social stability.
Very text focused analysis here as well, go BEYOND how it affects the society and the text, this relies heavily on the plot point rather than the techniques.- Symbolism joined with non-diegetic sound of paranormal whispers, anxious tones and petrified facial expressions.
- Society hiding in their barricaded houses
- Portrays the profound fear discovered by the residents and causes audiences to understand the chaos caused by the disillusioned Tramp.
Try and make the audiences understand something broader, say, the fear that nonconformity induces, for example.
Transformation
The complex process of discovery can be confronting and provocative for individuals as they make emotional discoveries about individuals and society.
Such is true of Guevara’s travelogue as he is emotionally confronted with the struggle of the proletariat within Latin America, sparking his new Marxist values.- The metaphor reveals their perspective of themselves; that they are of higher status and royal compared to the impoverished.
- “We had been knights of the road; we belonged to the long-standing wandering aristocracy”
What does this reveal about transformation?- Emotive language appeals to audience's pathos, causing them to empathise with his provocative realisation of “the profound tragedy circumscribing the life of the proletariat the world over”.
- One of Guevara’s first findings is the communist “couple, numb with cold”, “had not one single miserable blanket to cover themselves with” and “carried a mysterious tragic air”
Slightly retell in how you've presented the quote in the notes - Be sure not to do that in the essay itself. Perfectly fine for your own cues.- Showcases how confronting and emotionally meaningful the discovery of poverty is as it sparks his “other, definitive vocation”.
- His realisation is seen as, if humanity is cleaved “into two antagonistic halves, I will be with the people”
- The hyperbole reveals the extent to which he will pursue equality and justice as his worldview has been significantly altered.
This is good, you've broadened the analysis a bit to a broader exploration of a confronting Discovery. Still slightly too focused on "him," you need to go beyond analysing the character.
On the other hand, Mathorne’s animation depicts the employment of religious power to control society. However, power is a construct shaped by the flaws of human intellect and hence, both the audience and Backwater residents are emotionally confronted as they discover the priest’s malicious intent.- Responders make a confronting discovery, through the stark illustration of the lack of meaning and purpose of society, that the residents mindlessly follow the priest’s commands.
- Lack of emotion of residents, gloomy colours, and zombie-like movement towards the church
That first bit of lack of meaning and purpose, is where the focus should lie. The realisation about the residents in the story is meaningless!- The aggravated tone and ghoulish white eyes convey the initial transformation of society towards murderous savages, arising from the realisation of the priest’s lies and deceit.
- This is juxtaposed by society showing emotion as Bubba says “Father, you have brought this upon us”
- The audience realises the utter chaos brought about by the priest’s manipulation through emotionally moving images of chaotic screaming and gory, violent scenes of decapitations and murders.- Combined with the positive symbolism of the rainbow and melodic whistling of the Undertaker.
- Transition to bright colours of the town after everyone has murdered each other
- Contrasts the earlier darkness shrouding the town.
- Illustrates the emotional discovery of audiences as they are confronted with the shift from graphic scenes to the joyous atmosphere of the town.
What sort of emotional Discovery? Be specific, link it to your theme of transformation.
I'd say your analysis of your related is good! Definitely didn't strike me as overly out of place ;D my biggest comment is probably that your analysis is very text focused, very much focused on what the audience learns about "the residents," or "Guevera," etc. This is like talking about a puppet rather than the ventriloquist - You are analysing the puppet rather than what the puppet is saying. Go beyond the characters of the story and focus instead on what the audience is being taught conceptually about Discovery ;D
(I know the composer/character gap is blurred for the memoir, so a little more leeway there) :)
I made some comments in bold throughout as well - Hope the feedback is helpful ;D
Thanks heaps! So would you recommend just changing the analysis and stuff rather than changing the quotes? Also if I understand what you're saying, you're saying to focus more on what each technique says about discovery in general rather than what each technique says about the text?
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 21, 2017, 01:43:36 am
Thanks heaps! So would you recommend just changing the analysis and stuff rather than changing the quotes? Also if I understand what you're saying, you're saying to focus more on what each technique says about discovery in general rather than what each technique says about the text?
Yep that's 100% right. Yeah I think for the most part your quotes are good! As you cut textual detail, you may shorten a few of them, you really only need the snippet with the technique in it ;D
Post by: theblackswan on September 21, 2017, 11:20:31 pm
Essay Questions: To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovery?
The sense of unfamiliarity consequential to experiencing a discovery is what generates doubt in an individuals's current perceptions. Although the emotional impact differs from person to person and is partly determined by how conflicting the discovery is with our current views, the evolution of perceptions is a common intellectual response experienced by most individuals. The implantation of doubt forces us to reassess the worth of our views and construct new ones. These notions are depicted in the film 'The Black Swan' (2010) by Aronofvsky and the 1995 memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. While the 'Black Swan' places an emphasis on how emotions evoked by discoveries can grow to control a person's decisions, 'The Motorcycle Diaries' directs a more intimate focus on the capacity for discoveries to transform a person and its effect on the individual' future. Regardless, both texts agree on the notion that the emotional component is a short term consequence which in turn stimulates a long term intellectual response involving the reconstruction of new beliefs.
Post by: bsdfjnlkasn on September 22, 2017, 01:12:11 pm
Can you have a look at this rough intro? Thanks!
Essay Questions: To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovery?
The sense of unfamiliarity consequential to experiencing a discovery is what generates doubt in an individuals's current perceptions. Although the emotional impact differs from person to person and is partly determined by how conflicting the discovery is with our current views, the evolution of perceptions is a common intellectual response experienced by most individuals. The implantation of doubt forces us to reassess the worth of our views and construct new ones. These notions are depicted in the film 'The Black Swan' (2010) by Aronofvsky and the 1995 memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. While the 'Black Swan' places an emphasis on how emotions evoked by discoveries can grow to control a person's decisions, 'The Motorcycle Diaries' directs a more intimate focus on the capacity for discoveries to transform a person and its effect on the individual' future. Regardless, both texts agree on the notion that the emotional component is a short term consequence which in turn stimulates a long term intellectual response involving the reconstruction of new beliefs.
Hey there! Hope these comments are of good use to you :)
The sense of unfamiliarity consequential what do you mean by this? If I've interpreted this correctly, maybe rephrasing the same idea into something simpler like, "The unknown consequences of experiencing..." will really help your marker process the thesis. It's great and deserves to make the best impression it can straight away :)
Overall, great work! You're clearly answering the question and adding your own twist which adds sophistication :). I like how you develop your ideas and introduce your texts in one swift go it helps the marker get a real sense of what you're going to discuss and sets you up for a killer essay.
Let me know if anything was unclear, because I am more than happy to help clarify ;D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 23, 2017, 11:01:49 am
Hello! I did not do well in AOS, and thought why not ask for advice ^_^
This is basically what I wrote in trials (fixed some spelling :P ) and it gave me a 10/15 in my trial paper, and I'd love for you to point out the weak arguments :)
How would I improve?
Hey! Happy to help out, your essay is attached with comments in bold :)
Spoiler
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. This is a fairly text focused Thesis, it is focusing a lot on characters. This sort of locks you in to a text-focused discussion rather than a conceptual one. I like the idea, but try and make it broader and more conceptual. This can lead to new values and ideas which can reflected upon by reconsidering past events. Through the film Life of Pi by Ang Lee and the poem “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” By william Wordsworth, we, the audience are also challenged with these new ideas which engage us to discover a deepened understanding of ourselves. Overall, a solid introduction. Slightly conceptualising your arguments would be beneficial.
In “Life of Pi”, Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. Ensure that your paragraph topics aren't exact copies of your Thesis - They should delve a little deeper, explore some more specific aspect. Pi discovers a new identity of what was initially hidden in him, being his aggression and survival attributes “Hunger can change everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.” This shows how hunger is willing to consume Pi and reveals his new desperation for survival. This disguised allegory symbolizes Pi’s transition into beast, that reveals that Pi had to change his identity between man and beast in order to survive. This analytical approach is quite arduous - Quote takes a whole sentence, this is what the quote reveals, oh and this is the technique that is used. Try and get the quote and technique in the same sentence (best for flow), then explain what it achieves after that. Also be sure to talk about consequences broadly, not just what it reveals about Pi. Through this, we are able to compare these new attributes to Richard Parker, where we, the audience watch two contrasting worlds clash, a symbol of Pi’s contrasting thoughts which leaves an overall different identity and portrays Pi’s change into Richard Parker, which is driven by his hunger. That sentence was a little confusing to read. “You’re seeing your own emotions reflected back in his eyes.” and the constant shots viewed from Richard Parker’s perspective allows the audience to attach emotionally and physically into this new world of Pi’s psychological conflict, and to sympathise with him. Good recognition of the audience impact - Make sure every quote has a technique. It is only when Pi’s integrity has been lost, does he realise the world he has been living in. Retell. “He brought the evil out in me, and I have to live with that” The metaphor and emotive tone with the close-up of Pi’s face supports and highlights the emotional distress Pi is facing. Quotes taking their own sentence is impacting quite heavily on the logical flow of your arguments, because you stop entirely to just read a quote - Try and embed it into your sentences. As Richard Parker leaves Pi’s life, the colours fade, compared to the first fish killed by Pi, resembles both purity and beauty being drawn out of life. This comparison needs to be drawn out more - Watch for retell. The use of sparse colours with the absence of Richard Parker shows that even though Pi’s worst attributes were revealed by him, these attributes were required to stay alive but are no longer needed, a symbol of a part of Pi is being abandoned, yet forever lingering in his life shown through the close up of Pi sobbing. Sentence a tad too long - What does it reveal to the audience about DISCOVERY? Through these change in emotions and desires, Pi is able to explore a different perception on himself and the world which draws us, the reader to explore this new personality. Some good ideas, but too text focused (character focused) - You can tell because the word 'Discovery' or similar isn't mentioned beyond the introduction!
Secondly, These new discoveries lead to new values, ideas or perspectives which can reflected upon about the future or by reconsidering past events. After Pi’s journey and losing an important aspect of his life, “The world lost its enchantment” You need to link this quote to what you are saying, instead of just having it sit there without a logical link or joining word for flow. The metaphor and vivid imagery explores Pi’s newfound independence and explores his new perspective on life; bland and miserable. But what does it reveal about how discoveries lead to new values? You need to go BEYOND the character, Pi is just a puppet. Pi’s new discovery links to the abandonment of identity through the abandonment of Richard Parker. “I wept like a child, not because I was overwhelmed that having survived, I was weeping because richard parker left me so unceremoniously, it broke my heart.” The emotive tone exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict while the personification of the broken heart further portrays Pi’s emotional conflict with his past experiences especially with his newfound self. First part of this analysis, the 'evoke emotional conflict bit,' is great. It is taking a technique and saying what it represents about past experiences. Good stuff. From this, Pi is able to adapt to new values and to have a deepened understanding of himself and others, especially through others. Retell. “I never was able to thank my father, for all I learnt from him, to tell him without his lessons, I never would have survived.” The dialogue portrays a broken link in Pi’s past, and how reconsidering these events can spark new values and perspectives in his life. Go beyond the character! Through this, the audience is able to grasp the difficulties in certain discoveries and how a rediscovery has a transformative potential to the character. This was a better analytical paragraph, but we are still focusing heavily on the character. You need to abstract and focus on concepts - There was a glimpse of this in the middle there!
Similarly, The title, “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” uses both personification to portray emotionally the loneliness of the cloud to the author to express their perception and ideas on the world, he has the freedom to do whatever he wants, but is unable to discover his identity in the world. You need to properly introduce your new text, you can't transition straight into more analysis. Every paragraph needs an introduction. Even just, "Similarly, the poem ______ also portrays ______." Simple, but it needs to be there. Through the discovery of place, the author is able to shape their understanding of life, which changes their emotional standing and outlook on life. “I saw a crowd, A host of golden daffodils; Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.” The personification of the daffodils dancing, gives an atmosphere of flow and rhythm, portraying them as majestic. If you are only highlighting the dancing daffodils, you should just use that bit of the quote. The "I saw a crowd" bit is probably unnecessary - Trying to save you some work! The daffodils symbolise society as a whole, where the human-like nature explores the new outlook the author has, contrasting to their sense of loneliness and isolation to society portrayed at the beginning. “They stretched in never-ending line … Ten thousand saw I at a glance” The hyperbole communicates the newfound emotions of the author, he is overwhelmed with the daffodils and their beauty. But what does it reveal about Discovery? The use of “Glee” and “jocund” adds emotive language to the whole experience, which vividly express the powerful image the author saw and how it made him feel human, he discovered a new world, which offered him new perceptions of the world of nature and himself, which results in new values and identity and through this, a sense of tranquility and contentment is expressed to the audience. Be sure your paragraphs are definitively concluded, there should be a separate sentence saying, "Thus, this is what I've proved."
Discovery can be hidden, taking interpretation and deep thoughts before being discovered, which can only be discovered through his personal experience and values. “I gazed—and gazed—but little thought”. The repetition of “gazed” explores the lack of discovery, especially with the importance. It was only later with a “vacant mind” does this discovery transform the author’s perspective on life and society both mentally and emotionally. Rediscoveries can be found through the same past experiences, which can evoke past emotional memories “then my heart with pleasure fills”. The discovery made him able to understand himself and his self-worth in life, and deepens his understanding of himself. Is this supposed to be a separate paragraph? Definitely doesn't substantiate being separate - Obviously you've got time constraints which could have prevented you getting everything down but if possible I'd embed this analysis elsewhere, or fill out the paragraph :)
For a text to truly engage its audience, it must first challenge the audience with new perspectives, values or ideas in which we are able to discover ourselves. Both texts effectively engage the audience in a vivid, yet distinct way. Your conclusion needs to link more specifically to the question, and reintroduce the texts. Use the same phrasing from the question to make those links clear.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?
Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. This is a fairly text focused Thesis, it is focusing a lot on characters. This sort of locks you in to a text-focused discussion rather than a conceptual one. I like the idea, but try and make it broader and more conceptual. This can lead to new values and ideas which can reflected upon by reconsidering past events. Through the film Life of Pi by Ang Lee and the poem “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” By william Wordsworth, we, the audience are also challenged with these new ideas which engage us to discover a deepened understanding of ourselves. Overall, a solid introduction. Slightly conceptualising your arguments would be beneficial.
In “Life of Pi”, Discoveries can reveal emotions or greedy desires that can destroy the integrity of the characters which transforms both the character’s and the audience’s outlook on the world. Ensure that your paragraph topics aren't exact copies of your Thesis - They should delve a little deeper, explore some more specific aspect. Pi discovers a new identity of what was initially hidden in him, being his aggression and survival attributes “Hunger can change everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.” This shows how hunger is willing to consume Pi and reveals his new desperation for survival. This disguised allegory symbolizes Pi’s transition into beast, that reveals that Pi had to change his identity between man and beast in order to survive. This analytical approach is quite arduous - Quote takes a whole sentence, this is what the quote reveals, oh and this is the technique that is used. Try and get the quote and technique in the same sentence (best for flow), then explain what it achieves after that. Also be sure to talk about consequences broadly, not just what it reveals about Pi. Through this, we are able to compare these new attributes to Richard Parker, where we, the audience watch two contrasting worlds clash, a symbol of Pi’s contrasting thoughts which leaves an overall different identity and portrays Pi’s change into Richard Parker, which is driven by his hunger. That sentence was a little confusing to read. “You’re seeing your own emotions reflected back in his eyes.” and the constant shots viewed from Richard Parker’s perspective allows the audience to attach emotionally and physically into this new world of Pi’s psychological conflict, and to sympathise with him. Good recognition of the audience impact - Make sure every quote has a technique. It is only when Pi’s integrity has been lost, does he realise the world he has been living in. Retell. “He brought the evil out in me, and I have to live with that” The metaphor and emotive tone with the close-up of Pi’s face supports and highlights the emotional distress Pi is facing. Quotes taking their own sentence is impacting quite heavily on the logical flow of your arguments, because you stop entirely to just read a quote - Try and embed it into your sentences. As Richard Parker leaves Pi’s life, the colours fade, compared to the first fish killed by Pi, resembles both purity and beauty being drawn out of life. This comparison needs to be drawn out more - Watch for retell. The use of sparse colours with the absence of Richard Parker shows that even though Pi’s worst attributes were revealed by him, these attributes were required to stay alive but are no longer needed, a symbol of a part of Pi is being abandoned, yet forever lingering in his life shown through the close up of Pi sobbing. Sentence a tad too long - What does it reveal to the audience about DISCOVERY? Through these change in emotions and desires, Pi is able to explore a different perception on himself and the world which draws us, the reader to explore this new personality. Some good ideas, but too text focused (character focused) - You can tell because the word 'Discovery' or similar isn't mentioned beyond the introduction!
Secondly, These new discoveries lead to new values, ideas or perspectives which can reflected upon about the future or by reconsidering past events. After Pi’s journey and losing an important aspect of his life, “The world lost its enchantment” You need to link this quote to what you are saying, instead of just having it sit there without a logical link or joining word for flow. The metaphor and vivid imagery explores Pi’s newfound independence and explores his new perspective on life; bland and miserable. But what does it reveal about how discoveries lead to new values? You need to go BEYOND the character, Pi is just a puppet. Pi’s new discovery links to the abandonment of identity through the abandonment of Richard Parker. “I wept like a child, not because I was overwhelmed that having survived, I was weeping because richard parker left me so unceremoniously, it broke my heart.” The emotive tone exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict while the personification of the broken heart further portrays Pi’s emotional conflict with his past experiences especially with his newfound self. First part of this analysis, the 'evoke emotional conflict bit,' is great. It is taking a technique and saying what it represents about past experiences. Good stuff. From this, Pi is able to adapt to new values and to have a deepened understanding of himself and others, especially through others. Retell. “I never was able to thank my father, for all I learnt from him, to tell him without his lessons, I never would have survived.” The dialogue portrays a broken link in Pi’s past, and how reconsidering these events can spark new values and perspectives in his life. Go beyond the character! Through this, the audience is able to grasp the difficulties in certain discoveries and how a rediscovery has a transformative potential to the character. This was a better analytical paragraph, but we are still focusing heavily on the character. You need to abstract and focus on concepts - There was a glimpse of this in the middle there!
Similarly, The title, “I wandered as lonely as a cloud” uses both personification to portray emotionally the loneliness of the cloud to the author to express their perception and ideas on the world, he has the freedom to do whatever he wants, but is unable to discover his identity in the world. You need to properly introduce your new text, you can't transition straight into more analysis. Every paragraph needs an introduction. Even just, "Similarly, the poem ______ also portrays ______." Simple, but it needs to be there. Through the discovery of place, the author is able to shape their understanding of life, which changes their emotional standing and outlook on life. “I saw a crowd, A host of golden daffodils; Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.” The personification of the daffodils dancing, gives an atmosphere of flow and rhythm, portraying them as majestic. If you are only highlighting the dancing daffodils, you should just use that bit of the quote. The "I saw a crowd" bit is probably unnecessary - Trying to save you some work! The daffodils symbolise society as a whole, where the human-like nature explores the new outlook the author has, contrasting to their sense of loneliness and isolation to society portrayed at the beginning. “They stretched in never-ending line … Ten thousand saw I at a glance” The hyperbole communicates the newfound emotions of the author, he is overwhelmed with the daffodils and their beauty. But what does it reveal about Discovery? The use of “Glee” and “jocund” adds emotive language to the whole experience, which vividly express the powerful image the author saw and how it made him feel human, he discovered a new world, which offered him new perceptions of the world of nature and himself, which results in new values and identity and through this, a sense of tranquility and contentment is expressed to the audience. Be sure your paragraphs are definitively concluded, there should be a separate sentence saying, "Thus, this is what I've proved."
Discovery can be hidden, taking interpretation and deep thoughts before being discovered, which can only be discovered through his personal experience and values. “I gazed—and gazed—but little thought”. The repetition of “gazed” explores the lack of discovery, especially with the importance. It was only later with a “vacant mind” does this discovery transform the author’s perspective on life and society both mentally and emotionally. Rediscoveries can be found through the same past experiences, which can evoke past emotional memories “then my heart with pleasure fills”. The discovery made him able to understand himself and his self-worth in life, and deepens his understanding of himself. Is this supposed to be a separate paragraph? Definitely doesn't substantiate being separate - Obviously you've got time constraints which could have prevented you getting everything down but if possible I'd embed this analysis elsewhere, or fill out the paragraph :)
For a text to truly engage its audience, it must first challenge the audience with new perspectives, values or ideas in which we are able to discover ourselves. Both texts effectively engage the audience in a vivid, yet distinct way. Your conclusion needs to link more specifically to the question, and reintroduce the texts. Use the same phrasing from the question to make those links clear.
I think you've got the pieces of a great essay here - Lots of textual references, good conceptual ideas. But they are being held back by a very character focused approach - You aren't linking to Discovery, you are linking to character experiences and what the characters are Discovering. This isn't a conceptual approach - You need to take the techniques the composer uses and say what they reveal to the audience about Discovery on the whole. You did it briefly in one sentence:
“I wept like a child, not because I was overwhelmed that having survived, I was weeping because richard parker left me so unceremoniously, it broke my heart.” The emotive tone exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict while the personification of the broken heart further portrays Pi’s emotional conflict with his past experiences especially with his newfound self.
See that bold bit? That's linking a technique to a Discovery idea. THAT is what you need. Cut out the unnecessary character detail, and shorten the quote, and you get:
The composers use of emotive tone in, "I wept like a child... It broke my heart," exemplifies the impact of past experiences and how past discoveries can evoke emotional conflict.
^^ That is a 15/15 sentence. Notice also I've actually acknowledged the quote in the sentence, it has a place, versus just having it sit there in its own sentence. I've also shortened the quote to get the good bits that show my technique, and no extra. Short, sweet, conceptual, powerful. That is what you are striving for ;D
My comments throughout should cover the rest of my thoughts - Let me know if I can clarify anything. Good stuff! ;D
Post by: theblackswan on September 25, 2017, 04:50:43 pm
Questions: "Discovery allows us to view the hidden experience as a common, human experience." (I really didn't know what to put)
The plethora of discoveries encountered when individuals endeavour to seek out the unfamiliarity that cannot be experienced in their comfort zones is an element shared by all of humanity. It is the curiosity present within all individuals which creates the desire to explore the unknown. The human experience is partly characterised by exposure to new environments and this process is propagated by a personal desire to connect with what is usually hidden. The unpredictable nature of discoveries can be emotionally and intellectually stimulating and it is this which prompts the emergence of new perceptions of the world in humans. These notions are explored in Darren Arofnovksy's film 'The Black Swan' (2010) and memoir 'Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. Both composers exhibit how discoveries connect all humans in the respect that they form part of an individual's emotional and intellectual development.
Post by: bsdfjnlkasn on September 25, 2017, 09:01:08 pm
Can you have a look at my intro please? I wrote it on the spot but I've altered it a little so that you wouldn't be frightened of how much I've managed to butcher the art of writing essays! :P
Questions: "Discovery allows us to view the hidden experience as a common, human experience." (I really didn't know what to put)
The plethora of discoveries encountered when individuals endeavour to seek out the unfamiliarity that cannot be experienced in their comfort zones is an element shared by all of humanity. It is the curiosity present within all individuals which creates the desire to explore the unknown. The human experience is partly characterised by exposure to new environments and this process is propagated by a personal desire to connect with what is usually hidden. The unpredictable nature of discoveries can be emotionally and intellectually stimulating and it is this which prompts the emergence of new perceptions of the world in humans. These notions are explored in Darren Arofnovksy's film 'The Black Swan' (2010) and memoir 'Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. Both composers exhibit how discoveries connect all humans in the respect that they form part of an individual's emotional and intellectual development.
Hey again blackswan! Hopefully these comments are helpful :)
The plethora of discoveries encountered when individuals endeavour to seek out the unfamiliar
Although commenting on the similarities is a good way of synthesising, you could make your intro more engaging by offering a perspective that isn't shared, as this will broaden your exploration of discovery.
Let me know if you have any more question :D
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 26, 2017, 02:56:00 pm
Can you have a look at my intro please? I wrote it on the spot but I've altered it a little so that you wouldn't be frightened of how much I've managed to butcher the art of writing essays! :P
Questions: "Discovery allows us to view the hidden experience as a common, human experience." (I really didn't know what to put)
The plethora of discoveries encountered when individuals endeavour to seek out the unfamiliarity that cannot be experienced in their comfort zones is an element shared by all of humanity. Good concept! I feel it could be simplified ever so slightly but the idea is definitely solid. It is the curiosity present within all individuals which creates the desire to explore the unknown. The human experience is partly characterised by exposure to new environments and this process is propagated by a personal desire to connect with what is usually hidden. These last two sentences (somewhat) say the same thing - You really only need one of them! The unpredictable nature of discoveries can be emotionally and intellectually stimulating and it is this which prompts the emergence of new perceptions of the world in humans. These notions are explored in Darren Arofnovksy's film 'The Black Swan' (2010) and memoir 'Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. I'd like some brief synopses of how the concept you've introduced is present in each composers work. Both composers exhibit how discoveries connect all humans in the respect that they form part of an individual's emotional and intellectual development. Good- Ensure you use the specific wording of whatever the question is in your conclusion.
I think this works well, but you should introduce the concept more quickly! Having four sentences introducing the concept is a little much - Aim to do it in two, three max, then spend the saved space introducing the texts in more detail!! :)
Post by: miraxx on October 01, 2017, 03:13:43 pm
I'm new to AtarNotes and was a bit unsure whether anyone can posts their works here? Or is it exclusive to VIP members or something?
Post by: justwannawish on October 01, 2017, 03:17:41 pm
Hey ;),
I'm new to AtarNotes and was a bit unsure whether anyone can posts their works here? Or is it exclusive to VIP members or something?
Hi and welcome,
The free service is available for everyone ;D , however, you do need a certain amount of posts. Currently, because of the lead up to the HSC, it's 50 posts, which isn't that much if you contribute to forums, talk to other people, ask and answer questions, etc. Let me know if you need anything :)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 01, 2017, 05:24:01 pm
Hey ;),
I'm new to AtarNotes and was a bit unsure whether anyone can posts their works here? Or is it exclusive to VIP members or something?
You're all VIP's ;)
But yeah, as mentioned above - We have to prioritise a little, so we offer it as a reward for people who have posted around the forums a bit!
Full explanation is here, if you like ;D
Post by: miraxx on October 01, 2017, 10:26:03 pm
Hi and welcome,
The free service is available for everyone ;D , however, you do need a certain amount of posts. Currently, because of the lead up to the HSC, it's 50 posts, which isn't that much if you contribute to forums, talk to other people, ask and answer questions, etc. Let me know if you need anything :)
You're all VIP's ;)
But yeah, as mentioned above - We have to prioritise a little, so we offer it as a reward for people who have posted around the forums a bit!
Full explanation is here, if you like ;D
Yep, thank you to you both but don't worry I'm definitely going to be hanging out here a lot :)
Post by: justwannawish on October 01, 2017, 10:37:42 pm
Yep, thank you to you both but don't worry I'm definitely going to be hanging out here a lot :)
No problem! I used to be a quiet lurker too but commenting and helping people is a lot more fun ;)
Post by: blasonduo on October 01, 2017, 11:02:29 pm
“I never was able to thank my father, for all I learnt from him, to tell him without his lessons, I never would have survived.” The dialogue portrays a broken link in Pi’s past, and how reconsidering these events can spark new values and perspectives in his life. Go beyond the character!
Hello! Sorry to ask this so late, but your main point about my essay was how I should expand on discovery past the character (as shown above.) But I am still currently unsure how to do this :( .
Could you help me and give me just a little helping hand please?
Thanks.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 01, 2017, 11:37:13 pm
Hello! Sorry to ask this so late, but your main point about my essay was how I should expand on discovery past the character (as shown above.) But I am still currently unsure how to do this :( .
Could you help me and give me just a little helping hand please?
Thanks.
Sure! So let me take that sentence:
“I never was able to thank my father, for all I learnt from him, to tell him without his lessons, I never would have survived.” The dialogue portrays a broken link in Pi’s past, and how reconsidering these events can spark new values and perspectives in his life.
And reign it a little to go beyond the character:
The use of dialogue, “I never was able to thank my father... I never would have survived,” makes the audience realise how reconsidering past events can spark new values and perspectives.
It is the tiniest change hey? And that's the thing, your essay is so close to spot on - It is just that you are discussing characters and how they discover, how they change. But that isn't important - It is how these concepts are represented to the audience, and the characters are just puppets in achieving that. Thus, focusing on the characters are unnecessary - You can take the same idea and generalise it ;D
Post by: justwannawish on October 02, 2017, 11:48:04 pm
Do you guys mark generic essays that can be moulded for an exam? Or should I attach a question too :P
Because I have 3 main themes and I've used them in previous essays and they can be moulded to most questions and was wondering whether I could post them here for feedback
Post by: theblackswan on October 03, 2017, 05:48:00 pm
'Discoveries make us question who we are and what we believe in.'
Although it is the emotionally and intellectually stimulating nature of discoveries which urges individuals to question their current views of the world and propagates the evolution of their identities, the consequences are not always purely beneficial. The precipice of a discovery is a precarious position, as discoveries can either culminate to produce a new sense of directionality and purpose for an individual or implant enough conflicting views that ultimately erodes their identity. These unforseeable consequences of discovery are prompted through exposure and interactions with unfamiliar environments. Che Guevara's memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaires' (1953) advertises how discoveries have an inclination to be transformative for the indivdual and focuses on how multiple discoveries asserting the same notion persuades the individual to also exercise these notions. Ultimately, the discovered notion would grow in significance until it becomes a part of an individual's identity. Similarly, David Aronofvsky's film 'The Black Swan' (2010) explores the transformative nature of discoveries but instead diverges from 'The Motorcycle Diaries' to exhibit how discoveries may be so conflicting with an individual's current views that they experience a loss of identity. Both composers avidly demonstrates how two disparate paths stem from the emotional and intellectual responses of an individual.
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 04, 2017, 07:24:57 am
Hey!
Do you guys mark generic essays that can be moulded for an exam? Or should I attach a question too :P
Because I have 3 main themes and I've used them in previous essays and they can be moulded to most questions and was wondering whether I could post them here for feedback
Hey guys,
Here's my generic essay for aos. What I plan to do is use two out of the three paragraphs for every question and was wondering whether you guys could work your magic on it! Will edit it if you prefer
a question to mark it agains!
We are happy to mark generics! Obviously we just won't be able to give feedback about how well it answers the question ;) on the list!
Post by: bun00 on October 04, 2017, 02:13:57 pm
just wondering....how long does it roughly take to get an essay marked on here? and do i need 25 or 50 posts to submit one?
tks hpss :D
Post by: Wales on October 04, 2017, 03:03:04 pm
heyy!
just wondering....how long does it roughly take to get an essay marked on here? and do i need 25 or 50 posts to submit one?
tks hpss :D
50 posts all up and I'd give it a few days at least. Markers are quite busy at the moment :(
Post by: bun00 on October 04, 2017, 03:20:28 pm
50 posts all up and I'd give it a few days at least. Markers are quite busy at the moment :(
ok thankyou! :)
Post by: GS350 on October 06, 2017, 06:05:26 pm
Thank you i was wondering how i can improve my sentence structure
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on October 06, 2017, 06:55:45 pm
hey its my first time using atar notes forum and was wondering if i can get help with my ESL Aos essay.
Thank you i was wondering how i can improve my sentence structure
hello, welcome to the forums!! the current post requirement for getting an essay or creative marked is 50 posts. stay on the forums a bit longer and you'll find your posts build up pretty quickly, and in time, you'll have something marked. best of luck with your hsc :-)
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2017, 01:42:28 am
Hi, thanks for the feedback! Here's another intro I've been working on. My idea is slightly complex than normal and so I've had trouble phrasing it so that if flows fluently. Feedback appreciated ! :) If it's good enough, I"m thinking of using it as the basis for every essay question with a little bit of adaption.
'Discoveries make us question who we are and what we believe in.'
Although it is the emotionally and intellectually stimulating nature of discoveries which urges individuals to question their current views of the world and propagates the evolution of their identities, the consequences are not always purely beneficial. Great! The precipice of a discovery is a precarious position, as discoveries can either culminate to produce a new sense of directionality and purpose for an individual or implant enough conflicting views that ultimately erodes their identity. Need a comma in there to break up the sentence a little - The ideas are fantastic ;D These unforseeable consequences of discovery are prompted through exposure and interactions with unfamiliar environments. Che Guevara's memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaires' (1953) advertises how discoveries have an inclination to be transformative for the indivdual and focuses on how multiple discoveries asserting the same notion persuades the individual to also exercise these notions. I reckon you could express that last bit in a more sophisticated way, maybe "and focuses on the persuasive nature of such experiences?" Ultimately, the discovered notion would grow in significance until it becomes a part of an individual's identity. Similarly, David Aronofvsky's film 'The Black Swan' (2010) explores the transformative nature of discoveries but instead diverges from 'The Motorcycle Diaries' to exhibit how discoveries may be so conflicting with an individual's current views that they experience a loss of identity. Both composers avidly demonstrates how two disparate paths stem from the emotional and intellectual responses of an individual.
[/quote]
I think this works really really well - Covers lots of different little aspects which does make it really adaptable. Just accentuate different elements as appropriate. Good work ;D
Post by: Opengangs on October 08, 2017, 01:27:13 pm
Question: How do the texts you have studied convey the power of unexpected discoveries?
Intro
The process of discovery emerge from deliberate and planned experiences, leading to a series of unexpected discoveries impelled onto the individual. Overtime, these experiences become the catalyst for continual discoveries. These notions are exemplified in both, Che Guevara's memoir "The Motorcycle Diaries" (2003) and Margaret Atwood's poem "Journey to the Interior" (1961). Where Guevara centralises this idea through his physical journey throughout South America, Atwood instead explores discovery as an internal struggle between planned and reality, revealing discovery as a concept that is complex by nature and significant to the discoverer. Through a conceptual study of discovery, audiences can begin to speculate on their own experiences and transformations, and how they shape meaning within texts.
I feel like my introduction of the texts are a little forced, so how could I integrate the introduction of the texts without it seeming too slapped on?
Thanks!
Post by: sals101 on October 08, 2017, 03:58:32 pm
Discoveries which uncover the unknown and challenge individuals to reconsider the known, have the power to transform individuals and their society. Both, Robert Frost's ‘Stopping by the woods’ and David Wallace’s “This is water” reveal the disheartening ramifications which follow the uncovering of social obligations which confine our ability to fulfil desires . Contrarily, both Frost’s “Tuft of flowers’ and Wallace’s “This is water” offer a more optimistic view on discovery by reconsidering our perspectives of the world. Both texts are motivated by individual desires to escape seclusion and misanthropy, revealing that self-transformation begins when we submit ourselves to what we don't understand.
Contemplation and self reflection in Frost’s poem ‘stopping by the woods’, drives the persona’s desire to escape to nature's serenity, unable to recognise dangers.The diction of “Stopping” in the title exhibits the contemplative nature of perilous discoveries as the consequences are obscure. It is by ‘Stopping’ that the persona is able to admire the beauty of nature, emphasised through the recurring motif of “snow” as a symbol of purity. Yet, alarm arises as “ He gives his harness bells a shake, To ask if there is some mistake”, symbolising the Horses manner in communicating to ask his master if something is awry. This overwhelming feeling deepens the spiritual connection as the persona desires escape to nature's tranquility, becoming numb as a result of submitting to the bond.However, this peaceful meditation is rapidly disturbed by the persona’s realisation of his social obligation to humanity. This shift is evident through the conjunction “but” as the persona realises he has “promises to keep”. Moreover, his reluctance to leave the surrounding harmony is evident in the repetitive closing lines “and miles to go before I sleep”, reflecting his social sensibility in responding to the emotional connection to nature, extended through Frost’s modernist influence in the context of discoveries presenting meaningful connections. Ultimately, despite an inability to understand the reason for connectedness to nature, the persona transforms his spiritual apathy into admiring natures beauty, uplifting his spirits.
The uncovering of spontaneous desires which we don't understand connects David Wallace’s commencement speech “This is water” with Frost's poetry, extending on the ramifications of fortuitous discoveries, on an individual's internal landscape. The initial discovery is presented as a journey of intellectual thought for the audience as the imagery of the title “This is water” is metaphorically applied by Wallace, to represent the tedious nature of life. The repetitive use of personal pronouns, “ in front of YOU or behind YOU” , forces audience to reconsider their perceptions of the world, further emphasised through the high modality as the composer empathises with the audience as everything he is “automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded”. This catalyses the audiences realisation of the insensible trust we deposit into our surroundings to function, perceiving our contribution to the human experience differently. Renowned perceptions continue as the cliche that “your education really IS the job of a lifetime”, shifting the focus to challenge individuals internal landscape. Ultimately, the discovery motivates a need for change within individuals as the repetition of “‘dreary, annoying, seemingly meaningless routines” suggests social sensibility and obligation. Therefore the audience undergoes a personal transformation to change their perceptions towards the human experience, despite not understanding the reality behind a mundane cycle of life.
Contrarily, Frost’s ‘Tuft of flowers’ offers a more optimistic view of discovery, illuminating how submission to others actions despite not knowing intentions, can catalyse the discovery of interconnections between humanity. This is illuminated through the persona’s journey from solitude and isolation to his realisation of the connections between mankind which transcend from time and place. The elliptical use in the statement “and I must be, as he had been- alone” mirrors not only the persona’s physical isolation but also his initial hope for companionship. It is through the discovery of the symbolic “tall tuft of flowers’ that sympathy is constructed , as a symbol of interconnected feelings between humanity, allowing the persona to reconsider his initial belief in eternal isolation. Amplifying his transformation, the statement “ I worked no more alone” echoing the persona’s excitement about not having to live “alone” in the world any longer, stimulating new perceptions towards the human experience. The closing lines replicate this companionship as the persona discovers “men work together”, signifying humanity as one, stating “whether we work together or apart” to repeat the recurring motif of unity. Ultimately, an optimistic outlook on others intentions, can evolve our acceptance of desired unity, despite being unsure.
This optimism towards interconnections between humanity connects Wallace’s speech ‘This is water’ with Frost’s poetry, extending on the contradictory nature of trusting the contribution of our internal worlds to the same human experience.This is represented through wallace's cumulative listing, “default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone” which mirrors the ability of our internal lives to shape a “default” pattern which contributes to the same human experience. It is this listing of repetitive events which connects humans in a mundane world as the statement that life “ involves boredom, routine and petty frustration” suggests the recycled nature of adulthood as young individuals initially hope for compassion and rejuvenation in the human world. Reconsideration of perceptions is embellished by Foster-Wallace’s dialogue “ everyone else…. Is just as bored and frustrated as I am”, forcing the audience to reconsider the mutual feeling of a mundane human experience. Furthermore, Wallace challenges, “you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it”, allowing the audience form new perceptions towards the world, seen in unity or isolation. This choice is contradicted by the repetition of the closing metaphor, “This is water”, water symbolising unity. Thus, the composer forces the audience to trust the connection of internal emotional and intellectual responses which provide solidarity, transforming our personal perceptions of the world.
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on October 08, 2017, 04:01:16 pm
Not sure if my thesis makes sense, or if im cohesive..SpoilerDiscoveries which uncover the unknown and challenge individuals to reconsider the known, have the power to transform individuals and their society. Both, Robert Frost's ‘Stopping by the woods’ and David Wallace’s “This is water” reveal the disheartening ramifications which follow the uncovering of social obligations which confine our ability to fulfil desires . Contrarily, both Frost’s “Tuft of flowers’ and Wallace’s “This is water” offer a more optimistic view on discovery by reconsidering our perspectives of the world. Both texts are motivated by individual desires to escape seclusion and misanthropy, revealing that self-transformation begins when we submit ourselves to what we don't understand.
Contemplation and self reflection in Frost’s poem ‘stopping by the woods’, drives the persona’s desire to escape to nature's serenity, unable to recognise dangers.The diction of “Stopping” in the title exhibits the contemplative nature of perilous discoveries as the consequences are obscure. It is by ‘Stopping’ that the persona is able to admire the beauty of nature, emphasised through the recurring motif of “snow” as a symbol of purity. Yet, alarm arises as “ He gives his harness bells a shake, To ask if there is some mistake”, symbolising the Horses manner in communicating to ask his master if something is awry. This overwhelming feeling deepens the spiritual connection as the persona desires escape to nature's tranquility, becoming numb as a result of submitting to the bond.However, this peaceful meditation is rapidly disturbed by the persona’s realisation of his social obligation to humanity. This shift is evident through the conjunction “but” as the persona realises he has “promises to keep”. Moreover, his reluctance to leave the surrounding harmony is evident in the repetitive closing lines “and miles to go before I sleep”, reflecting his social sensibility in responding to the emotional connection to nature, extended through Frost’s modernist influence in the context of discoveries presenting meaningful connections. Ultimately, despite an inability to understand the reason for connectedness to nature, the persona transforms his spiritual apathy into admiring natures beauty, uplifting his spirits.
The uncovering of spontaneous desires which we don't understand connects David Wallace’s commencement speech “This is water” with Frost's poetry, extending on the ramifications of fortuitous discoveries, on an individual's internal landscape. The initial discovery is presented as a journey of intellectual thought for the audience as the imagery of the title “This is water” is metaphorically applied by Wallace, to represent the tedious nature of life. The repetitive use of personal pronouns, “ in front of YOU or behind YOU” , forces audience to reconsider their perceptions of the world, further emphasised through the high modality as the composer empathises with the audience as everything he is “automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded”. This catalyses the audiences realisation of the insensible trust we deposit into our surroundings to function, perceiving our contribution to the human experience differently. Renowned perceptions continue as the cliche that “your education really IS the job of a lifetime”, shifting the focus to challenge individuals internal landscape. Ultimately, the discovery motivates a need for change within individuals as the repetition of “‘dreary, annoying, seemingly meaningless routines” suggests social sensibility and obligation. Therefore the audience undergoes a personal transformation to change their perceptions towards the human experience, despite not understanding the reality behind a mundane cycle of life.
Contrarily, Frost’s ‘Tuft of flowers’ offers a more optimistic view of discovery, illuminating how submission to others actions despite not knowing intentions, can catalyse the discovery of interconnections between humanity. This is illuminated through the persona’s journey from solitude and isolation to his realisation of the connections between mankind which transcend from time and place. The elliptical use in the statement “and I must be, as he had been- alone” mirrors not only the persona’s physical isolation but also his initial hope for companionship. It is through the discovery of the symbolic “tall tuft of flowers’ that sympathy is constructed , as a symbol of interconnected feelings between humanity, allowing the persona to reconsider his initial belief in eternal isolation. Amplifying his transformation, the statement “ I worked no more alone” echoing the persona’s excitement about not having to live “alone” in the world any longer, stimulating new perceptions towards the human experience. The closing lines replicate this companionship as the persona discovers “men work together”, signifying humanity as one, stating “whether we work together or apart” to repeat the recurring motif of unity. Ultimately, an optimistic outlook on others intentions, can evolve our acceptance of desired unity, despite being unsure.
This optimism towards interconnections between humanity connects Wallace’s speech ‘This is water’ with Frost’s poetry, extending on the contradictory nature of trusting the contribution of our internal worlds to the same human experience.This is represented through wallace's cumulative listing, “default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone” which mirrors the ability of our internal lives to shape a “default” pattern which contributes to the same human experience. It is this listing of repetitive events which connects humans in a mundane world as the statement that life “ involves boredom, routine and petty frustration” suggests the recycled nature of adulthood as young individuals initially hope for compassion and rejuvenation in the human world. Reconsideration of perceptions is embellished by Foster-Wallace’s dialogue “ everyone else…. Is just as bored and frustrated as I am”, forcing the audience to reconsider the mutual feeling of a mundane human experience. Furthermore, Wallace challenges, “you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it”, allowing the audience form new perceptions towards the world, seen in unity or isolation. This choice is contradicted by the repetition of the closing metaphor, “This is water”, water symbolising unity. Thus, the composer forces the audience to trust the connection of internal emotional and intellectual responses which provide solidarity, transforming our personal perceptions of the world.
hi, welcome to the forums! to get an essay or creative marked, it's 50 posts. sounds like a lot, but they build up pretty quick. for thesis statements to be looked at, click this link. :-)
best of luck for the hsc,
fantasticbeasts
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2017, 02:07:33 am
Hey guys,
Here's my generic essay for aos. What I plan to do is use two out of the three paragraphs for every question and was wondering whether you guys could work your magic on it! Will edit it if you prefer
a question to mark it agains!
Hey! I've attached your response with feedback in bold:
Doneskies!
Spoiler
Developed by a subversion of societal norms, the transformative process of discovery often challenges existing perspectives and stimulates fresh beliefs of human existence. Nice Thesis! Almost a Module A sort of spin on it conceptually, I like it. Whether a product of new realisations or a reconnection with the old, they are ultimately the result of the intrinsic human need to understand our identity and world, with both Robert Gray’s imagist poetry anthology, Coast Road, and John Chu’s The Water that Falls on You from Nowhere (Water) facilitating discoveries for their characters and responders. Fabulous. Gray’s Flames and Dangling Wire manipulates grotesque imagery of environmental destruction in a shocking finding while Journey North Coast reconnects with Zen Buddhist values of appreciating nature in an Ekphrasis rediscovery of his identity, the oeuvre reassessing environmental and personal ramifications of consumerist human progress. Perhaps getting a tad too far into the concepts in each poem? Just by a touch. However, not all discoveries are able to be acted on with Gray’s Meatworks developing its reader’s insight into the human experience through the persona’s inability to change his perception of societal values. Further challenging a heteronormative context, Chu’s semi-autobiographical work suggests the unexpected epiphany of his brother’s sexuality has developed innate parts of his character and existence. You've given way more time to your prescribed in the introduction, try and get a bit more of a balance even from this point. All three texts explore dominant societal constructs of their times, enabling the characters and audiences to uncover alternate perspectives on the eternal fragments of humanity.
Unexpected revelations often challenge one’s perspective on human existence, offering new understandings of its broader consequences. Nice paragrpah concept, specific but it does seem nicely adaptable as well! Prompted by a re-evaluation of the social attitudes of their milieu, both the responders and personas of the works divulge deeper insights into their own identity. I'd say the responders "represent" the personas or something similar - Always treat characters as puppets! As Gray’s concerned persona “gets out” and explores the “landscape of tin cars, of car like skulls” for the first time in Flames and Dangling Wire, his curiosity has led him to leave familiar territories and assumptions for the oxymoronic site, a juxtaposition of traditional views of a natural landscape. Fantastic explanation, be careful it isn't relying on the plot of the text to make its point. Mimicking the discomfort caused by the physical finding of the city with the macabre death motif, Gray emulates the 1950s Economic Boom to forewarn against the aftermath of the era’s self-indulgent, consumeristic lifestyle that gives off a “sour smoke”. How is this done? Try to include an example in the same sentence as demo. Along with the persona, the olfactory imagery positions the audience to experience a sombre recognition that “[they are] in the future” of mankind, learning humanity’s commercial tendency created the dystopia. What olfactory imager? Always provide the quote! The staccato rhythm, punctuated by simple, declarative language, mimetically discomforts the reader from the enormity of the waste, consequences of our actions. Ditto here, you need to include a quote from the text so have context for your analysis. Forcing a reassessment of human progress and its disappropriate harm on the environment, Gray’s dystopia positions us to ask “how can [people] avoid a hatred of men?” The rhetorical question combines an accusative and inclusive tone to unite mankind in the results of their actions, providing an opportunity for the responder to reconsider their own actions and place within mankind and their surrounds. Good - Ensure you eventually link this back to Discovery. Chu also challenges the core of human identity and the salient collective constructs of a Western heteronormative context, with his protagonist discerning his sexuality through a sudden, intellectual discovery of “water that falls on you from nowhere when you lie”. The motif emphasises how one’s existence is often hidden, with the “torrent” that falls when he claims “[he doesn’t] love [his male partner]” causing Matt to incidentally come out to both himself and his family. We're talking about plot here - As obvious as it is conceptually, it still isn't something you can discuss in an analytical essay. Matt’s sudden revelation parallels Chu’s own brother’s experience with uncovering his sexuality, immediately told to “get out!” Again, try not to make links and draw comparisons based on plot. Focusing on a more intimate ramification than Gray, the modern framing and exclamation of Matt’s realisation confronts the contemporary zeitgeist with the prevalent discrimination and homophobia present in society today. Water challenges the audience’s perception of a progressive Western society, where many are demeaned for embracing the sexual “abnormality” that forms the innermost part of one’s identity. An alternate perspective of the audience’s world is built through the slur, providing responders with new opinions of social phenomena. Influenced by the same necessity as Gray, both composers facilitate didactic methods to heighten understanding of the human condition. With a meaningful impact on individuals, society and the environment, sudden discoveries reflect on the human experience, prompting audiences to broaden and reconsider prior viewpoints. Huge amount of explanation at the back end of this paragraph - Conclusions and wrap ups will need to be punchier than this. Your topics in each paragraph should be simple enough to tie together in one or two sentences.
Stimulating growth and self-reflection, unforeseen reconnections often foster meaningful disclosures into one’s identity. Disclosures into ones identity -
Doesn't quiiite read right. Through a reassessment of the past, both texts promote introspection to shape the way individuals view the world. As Gray strings fast-paced vignettes together in the semi-autobiographical Journey: The North Coast, his persona mimics Gray’s own inability to adjust to his move to Sydney and re-experiences a personally significant place. Excellent link to the personal context of the author. Symbolising the part of him lost in urban domesticity, his persona also closes the “latches” that confined him in a “furnished room” with “drab carpet” and returns home. The monotone description and enjambment create a rushed feel and accentuate the persona’s longing for escape after betraying an affinity with nature for the monetary goods prioritised by the consumerist hustle of the Boom Period. Try and put the technique and quote in the same sentence - This way the marker isn't left wondering, "Wait, did they miss a technique?" It makes more sense on a micro-structural level. With his work causing a reassessment of human society, Gray’s vivid rediscovery of his homeland and the “slender white eucalypts” moving “as a nude descends a staircase” impart the spiritual benefits of a recollection with intimate values over societal expectations. Expression slightly off at the end there too I think - Don't be afraid to use slightly simpler language to convey your points with more clarity. Inspired by his Imagist tendencies, the evocative accumulation of haiku-esque imagery and ekphrasis to Duchamp’s lively cubic painting earns an emotional recovery of his Zen Buddhist link with nature and personal happiness. Any examples? Encouraging a critical rethinking of social constructs, Gray is flooded by memories of the “bright crockery days” of his youth. The familiar domestic metonym connects Gray and the responder, both changing perspectives of one’s identity and developing a more autonomous set of values. Through the rediscovery of one’s past, Gray reclaims the parts of himself lost to external systems and creates appreciation of the importance of revisiting the familiar. This is a very long paragraph - I'd break it here, purely to keep yourself on track and make it more palatable for the reader. This need to reassess one’s existence also comes alive in a return to Chu’s childhood home, fundamental for the human experience. As he reminisces about the past and his familial identity with fresh eyes, he has “finally let go” of the pressures plaguing him. The figurative language is augmented with the first person pronoun “I” to elucidate his metaphoric joy when revisiting a place of familiarity. What does it show the audience in a more general sense? Reconnecting with the past, like Gray’s persona , both Matt and the reader realise the truths that have made their being. It is only after recounting prior experiences of how “his mom resuscitates stories of her childhood... [and] the grandmother [he] barely remembers” that Matt’s “lungs have expanded in hours”. A nostalgic tone is generated through the compound sentence and hyperbole, forging a sense of the spiritual benefit of renewing his familial outlook. Chu positions the audience to reflect on the nuances of their identity and the factors that shaped it, and like Journey North Coast, reaffirms the need of embracing the past for future spiritual growth. Allowing introspective moments for the reader, Chu, like Gray before him, establishes how time and location enacts potent growth. Both texts invite audiences to understand how recollection can cater an appreciation of revisiting the familiar, foregrounding revelations of human identity. As above, I think we've got too long of a "concluding" section at the end here. I'd simplify it a tad to really hammer home a key point to the audience.
Often restricted from acting upon newfound understandings, individuals must choose their response to discoveries, with this challenge in perceptions facilitating a meaningful self-discovery. Expression needs a bit of work here, not sure how the three parts of this sentence link together. Reflecting social barriers, composers often cross the line between societal expectations and personal morals, often disappointingly accepting the former. Very interesting idea. While Gray regretfully acknowledges the “frail green money” of The Meatworks is too good to resist, depreciating his Zen Buddhist ideologies of respecting nature by exploiting the environment, Chu’s protagonist hides his sexuality under the pressures to give his “parents a grandson”. The authorial intrusion of both works creates a clipped tone, juxtaposing the earlier values of the characters. Drawn from essentiality, the works encourage the reader to reassess the worth of social constructs and how they prevent personalised actions. This time I feel we're spending too long setting up the idea, we should have launched into analysis by this point. Inspired by Gray’s childhood visit to an abattoir, his persona is “caught where the only work was at this works”. The caesura and enjambment reinforce the truncated style of the poem, mimetically describing Gray’s disapproval and strained acceptance of the slaughter of sentient beings. How does this relate to Discovery? Ruminating on the necessity of such unethical work within a capitalist society, Gray discerns that the poorest suffer the negative ramifications of the dehumanising employment, losing their self-autonomy. What does this have to do with Discovery? With Gray’s distinctive free-verse replicating “the flaw to the analogy”, he makes a stimulating realisation that some are unable to follow their ideals, inevitability compelling them into accepting the work. While the persona never supports “burning the live bush”, the reflective poem positions the audience to reminisce on the exchange of his conscience and Gray’s environmental affinity for approved values of money. Reflecting the Biblical allusion to the Burning Bush, Gray illustrates the deceivingly superior consumerist world, where money is prioritised, as attempting to play god, profiting from the limitations placed on lower SES workers. Again, try and get the technique and the quote into a single sentence - Purely for clarity. This challenging of widely-held assumptions in the largely equalitarian and open-minded Western society is manipulated in the semi-autobiographical Water, with Chu’s brother’s realisation of his homosexuality. Matt knowingly adheres to his traditional Chinese family’s “’you’re responsible for carrying on the family name’ speech”, the repetition of the anecdote stressing his fears of their disapproval. Retell - Be sure to go beyond characters and explore how the technique portrays something about a concept, not a character. Producing a self-deprecating tone, Matt’s anagnorisis of his sexuality leaves him “torn between the cruel truth that will make [his sister] lose all respect for [Matt] and the blatant lie”, “hiding because [he] wants to keep [his family], not abandon them.” The juxtaposition of the euphemistic terms confronts Matt’s unwillingness to embrace his revelation amid familial and social discouragement, even sacrificing his identity for the acceptance of his extended family. Chu’s conduplicatio repetition of “abandon” forces the responder to reconsider the necessity of Matt’s situation, a critique of the constructs surrounding one’s existence. But what does it show us about Discovery more conceptually? Like Gray, Chu’s work elucidates how the ramifications of fresh understandings are ultimately dependent on the individual’s urge to adjust to societal standards. Through the consequences of personal circumstances, composers and their readers discern the impact of social constructs on one’s discoveries.
Discoveries are capable of challenging and affirming dormant perspectives of the human experience, formulating new ideas and beliefs about the consequence on broader society and one’s own identity. Through both Robert Gray’s poetry anthology and John Chu’s Water, the readers are taken on a meaningful journey that broadens their understanding of human nature, confronting prior assumptions regarding complex presumptions. It is through these emotional epiphanies that individuals are able to appreciate and see the world through different lens, enhancing our knowledge of our existence.
Unexpected revelations often challenge one’s perspective on human existence, offering new understandings of its broader consequences. Nice paragrpah concept, specific but it does seem nicely adaptable as well! Prompted by a re-evaluation of the social attitudes of their milieu, both the responders and personas of the works divulge deeper insights into their own identity. I'd say the responders "represent" the personas or something similar - Always treat characters as puppets! As Gray’s concerned persona “gets out” and explores the “landscape of tin cars, of car like skulls” for the first time in Flames and Dangling Wire, his curiosity has led him to leave familiar territories and assumptions for the oxymoronic site, a juxtaposition of traditional views of a natural landscape. Fantastic explanation, be careful it isn't relying on the plot of the text to make its point. Mimicking the discomfort caused by the physical finding of the city with the macabre death motif, Gray emulates the 1950s Economic Boom to forewarn against the aftermath of the era’s self-indulgent, consumeristic lifestyle that gives off a “sour smoke”. How is this done? Try to include an example in the same sentence as demo. Along with the persona, the olfactory imagery positions the audience to experience a sombre recognition that “[they are] in the future” of mankind, learning humanity’s commercial tendency created the dystopia. What olfactory imager? Always provide the quote! The staccato rhythm, punctuated by simple, declarative language, mimetically discomforts the reader from the enormity of the waste, consequences of our actions. Ditto here, you need to include a quote from the text so have context for your analysis. Forcing a reassessment of human progress and its disappropriate harm on the environment, Gray’s dystopia positions us to ask “how can [people] avoid a hatred of men?” The rhetorical question combines an accusative and inclusive tone to unite mankind in the results of their actions, providing an opportunity for the responder to reconsider their own actions and place within mankind and their surrounds. Good - Ensure you eventually link this back to Discovery. Chu also challenges the core of human identity and the salient collective constructs of a Western heteronormative context, with his protagonist discerning his sexuality through a sudden, intellectual discovery of “water that falls on you from nowhere when you lie”. The motif emphasises how one’s existence is often hidden, with the “torrent” that falls when he claims “[he doesn’t] love [his male partner]” causing Matt to incidentally come out to both himself and his family. We're talking about plot here - As obvious as it is conceptually, it still isn't something you can discuss in an analytical essay. Matt’s sudden revelation parallels Chu’s own brother’s experience with uncovering his sexuality, immediately told to “get out!” Again, try not to make links and draw comparisons based on plot. Focusing on a more intimate ramification than Gray, the modern framing and exclamation of Matt’s realisation confronts the contemporary zeitgeist with the prevalent discrimination and homophobia present in society today. Water challenges the audience’s perception of a progressive Western society, where many are demeaned for embracing the sexual “abnormality” that forms the innermost part of one’s identity. An alternate perspective of the audience’s world is built through the slur, providing responders with new opinions of social phenomena. Influenced by the same necessity as Gray, both composers facilitate didactic methods to heighten understanding of the human condition. With a meaningful impact on individuals, society and the environment, sudden discoveries reflect on the human experience, prompting audiences to broaden and reconsider prior viewpoints. Huge amount of explanation at the back end of this paragraph - Conclusions and wrap ups will need to be punchier than this. Your topics in each paragraph should be simple enough to tie together in one or two sentences.
Stimulating growth and self-reflection, unforeseen reconnections often foster meaningful disclosures into one’s identity. Disclosures into ones identity -
Doesn't quiiite read right. Through a reassessment of the past, both texts promote introspection to shape the way individuals view the world. As Gray strings fast-paced vignettes together in the semi-autobiographical Journey: The North Coast, his persona mimics Gray’s own inability to adjust to his move to Sydney and re-experiences a personally significant place. Excellent link to the personal context of the author. Symbolising the part of him lost in urban domesticity, his persona also closes the “latches” that confined him in a “furnished room” with “drab carpet” and returns home. The monotone description and enjambment create a rushed feel and accentuate the persona’s longing for escape after betraying an affinity with nature for the monetary goods prioritised by the consumerist hustle of the Boom Period. Try and put the technique and quote in the same sentence - This way the marker isn't left wondering, "Wait, did they miss a technique?" It makes more sense on a micro-structural level. With his work causing a reassessment of human society, Gray’s vivid rediscovery of his homeland and the “slender white eucalypts” moving “as a nude descends a staircase” impart the spiritual benefits of a recollection with intimate values over societal expectations. Expression slightly off at the end there too I think - Don't be afraid to use slightly simpler language to convey your points with more clarity. Inspired by his Imagist tendencies, the evocative accumulation of haiku-esque imagery and ekphrasis to Duchamp’s lively cubic painting earns an emotional recovery of his Zen Buddhist link with nature and personal happiness. Any examples? Encouraging a critical rethinking of social constructs, Gray is flooded by memories of the “bright crockery days” of his youth. The familiar domestic metonym connects Gray and the responder, both changing perspectives of one’s identity and developing a more autonomous set of values. Through the rediscovery of one’s past, Gray reclaims the parts of himself lost to external systems and creates appreciation of the importance of revisiting the familiar. This is a very long paragraph - I'd break it here, purely to keep yourself on track and make it more palatable for the reader. This need to reassess one’s existence also comes alive in a return to Chu’s childhood home, fundamental for the human experience. As he reminisces about the past and his familial identity with fresh eyes, he has “finally let go” of the pressures plaguing him. The figurative language is augmented with the first person pronoun “I” to elucidate his metaphoric joy when revisiting a place of familiarity. What does it show the audience in a more general sense? Reconnecting with the past, like Gray’s persona , both Matt and the reader realise the truths that have made their being. It is only after recounting prior experiences of how “his mom resuscitates stories of her childhood... [and] the grandmother [he] barely remembers” that Matt’s “lungs have expanded in hours”. A nostalgic tone is generated through the compound sentence and hyperbole, forging a sense of the spiritual benefit of renewing his familial outlook. Chu positions the audience to reflect on the nuances of their identity and the factors that shaped it, and like Journey North Coast, reaffirms the need of embracing the past for future spiritual growth. Allowing introspective moments for the reader, Chu, like Gray before him, establishes how time and location enacts potent growth. Both texts invite audiences to understand how recollection can cater an appreciation of revisiting the familiar, foregrounding revelations of human identity. As above, I think we've got too long of a "concluding" section at the end here. I'd simplify it a tad to really hammer home a key point to the audience.
Often restricted from acting upon newfound understandings, individuals must choose their response to discoveries, with this challenge in perceptions facilitating a meaningful self-discovery. Expression needs a bit of work here, not sure how the three parts of this sentence link together. Reflecting social barriers, composers often cross the line between societal expectations and personal morals, often disappointingly accepting the former. Very interesting idea. While Gray regretfully acknowledges the “frail green money” of The Meatworks is too good to resist, depreciating his Zen Buddhist ideologies of respecting nature by exploiting the environment, Chu’s protagonist hides his sexuality under the pressures to give his “parents a grandson”. The authorial intrusion of both works creates a clipped tone, juxtaposing the earlier values of the characters. Drawn from essentiality, the works encourage the reader to reassess the worth of social constructs and how they prevent personalised actions. This time I feel we're spending too long setting up the idea, we should have launched into analysis by this point. Inspired by Gray’s childhood visit to an abattoir, his persona is “caught where the only work was at this works”. The caesura and enjambment reinforce the truncated style of the poem, mimetically describing Gray’s disapproval and strained acceptance of the slaughter of sentient beings. How does this relate to Discovery? Ruminating on the necessity of such unethical work within a capitalist society, Gray discerns that the poorest suffer the negative ramifications of the dehumanising employment, losing their self-autonomy. What does this have to do with Discovery? With Gray’s distinctive free-verse replicating “the flaw to the analogy”, he makes a stimulating realisation that some are unable to follow their ideals, inevitability compelling them into accepting the work. While the persona never supports “burning the live bush”, the reflective poem positions the audience to reminisce on the exchange of his conscience and Gray’s environmental affinity for approved values of money. Reflecting the Biblical allusion to the Burning Bush, Gray illustrates the deceivingly superior consumerist world, where money is prioritised, as attempting to play god, profiting from the limitations placed on lower SES workers. Again, try and get the technique and the quote into a single sentence - Purely for clarity. This challenging of widely-held assumptions in the largely equalitarian and open-minded Western society is manipulated in the semi-autobiographical Water, with Chu’s brother’s realisation of his homosexuality. Matt knowingly adheres to his traditional Chinese family’s “’you’re responsible for carrying on the family name’ speech”, the repetition of the anecdote stressing his fears of their disapproval. Retell - Be sure to go beyond characters and explore how the technique portrays something about a concept, not a character. Producing a self-deprecating tone, Matt’s anagnorisis of his sexuality leaves him “torn between the cruel truth that will make [his sister] lose all respect for [Matt] and the blatant lie”, “hiding because [he] wants to keep [his family], not abandon them.” The juxtaposition of the euphemistic terms confronts Matt’s unwillingness to embrace his revelation amid familial and social discouragement, even sacrificing his identity for the acceptance of his extended family. Chu’s conduplicatio repetition of “abandon” forces the responder to reconsider the necessity of Matt’s situation, a critique of the constructs surrounding one’s existence. But what does it show us about Discovery more conceptually? Like Gray, Chu’s work elucidates how the ramifications of fresh understandings are ultimately dependent on the individual’s urge to adjust to societal standards. Through the consequences of personal circumstances, composers and their readers discern the impact of social constructs on one’s discoveries.
Discoveries are capable of challenging and affirming dormant perspectives of the human experience, formulating new ideas and beliefs about the consequence on broader society and one’s own identity. Through both Robert Gray’s poetry anthology and John Chu’s Water, the readers are taken on a meaningful journey that broadens their understanding of human nature, confronting prior assumptions regarding complex presumptions. It is through these emotional epiphanies that individuals are able to appreciate and see the world through different lens, enhancing our knowledge of our existence.
Comments:
- This essay is WAY too long, even using only two paragraphs it will probably be on the long side for an AoS essay. If you can write this much, go for it, but you'll likely need to simplify on top of removing a paragraph. I'd recommend taking each paragraph and splitting it in half to do separate paragraphs on prescribed and related, bringing you to using four paragraphs total.
- You do an excellent job picking good examples from the text, linking them to varied techniques and to the reason the composer has chosen to use them: What you need is to make the final link to concept. What does the technique reveal not about a character, but about a concept. Also, as mentioned throughout, putting the technique and quote in the same sentence is an easy way to enhance the clarity of your analysis.
- Your conceptual clarity is a little lacking - I think part of this is expression, using verbose language to express things that could be put more simply, and I think part of it is the length of your paragraphs just being so extreme. I would get to the halfway point and not quite see how what you were currently discussing links to your paragraph topic - And more importantly, Discovery takes a back seat to some of your other topics/concepts. I think you need to simplify the approach, bring everything back to Discovery, and constantly reference Discovery ideas throughout. Right now you are going off on little tangents - And although the analysis is for the most part brilliant in that sense, it isn't addressing the area of study ideas as effectively as it could be.
- Excellent work linking to the authors personal/political/social contexts, enhances your argument really nicely! :)
Post by: caprese_ on October 11, 2017, 01:01:07 pm
This is just a general question regarding RT for AOS. I'm struggling between choosing Plath's The Bell Jar or Steinbeck's The Pearl. Any thoughts? My prescribed text is the tempest.
Thank you :))