Hello and a warm welcome to anyone who might be reading!
I spent so much time deliberating on whether I should start this journal after starting (and giving up) on a journal during my HSC year that it seems quite surprising that I'm here and typing these words out. But after a lot of consideration, I decided to try and have an outlet for my current thoughts, so that in years to come, when everything in life is more settled, I'll be able to look back on these days with fondness and pride. Fingers crossed!
A bit about me first:
I'm a first year law and actuarial student at UNSW! I think it's worth mentioning that at the start of last year, law was the last thing I wanted to do and even now, I'm not sure that I would ever want to be a lawyer as such, though I do like the idea of many of the humanitarian jobs and concepts like international relations and representation, that come up with it. But as a child, I loved the idea of being a lawyer and diplomat, I wanted to establish justice and equity, I wanted to change the world even if I couldn't save it. I was immediately hit with comments that I was too weak, too indefinite to do law. There were so many unemployed law graduates, who was I to say I wouldn't be one of them? And then what would I do? I think I replied with the comment that I would be top of my grade and would get a job straight away. I was idealistic to say the least, but now, a more cynical me wonders whether it was fate or something of that nature that led me to the dream job of my childhood self. And if it is, who am I to dispute that?
Actuarial studies... I only learned about it last year, and the main things I was warned about was "it's hard" and "it's a good salary". I don't really know why I chose this really, law required me to select another degree to satisfy the credits, and actuarial seemed to have good prospects afterwards. In fact, my other UAC choices were all around actuarial studies ahah, with no law (Even though I kinda enjoy my law classes so much more, but that's more about the Maths course I'm strugglign through). As much as doing a science or arts degree (or the ever popular commerce-law) option appealed to me, I decided against it because I wanted something with a definite career path, especially since law students seem to constantly be described as "over-supplied" and "unwanted". I'm scared of being in a position where uncertainty rules my decisions, which I know works for many of my friends and a lot of the people who I love and respect and do those degrees. They've done things I could never imagine with the flexibility of those degrees, but I'm kinda tired of floating around and want something concentrete to aim towards.
The Context Behind My Decisions
I initially tried out for another degree, under a combination of advice from everyone around me and I think I convinced myself that it was what I wanted to do. I began planning out my life around it, my admittance into the course, the degree related clubs I'd join, the electives I would choose, the career and life I would lead. Needless to say, it didn't work out and after a time, I think I might be glad that it didn't. Don't get me wrong, after failing to get in, I cried for all the hardships and fear and that feeling of failure and emptiness that had guided me to that point and I did feel like devastated. But now, I feel that I rushed into everything, I planned out my entire life for something I didn't even know everything about. I don't know if I want to do law or actuarial studies, but I don't really know if I want to do anything in particular. I had never been someone with definite ideals and goals, and I really tried to change that. But in the process, I feel I might have given up a bit of me with it. EDIT- This sounds a lot sadder on my second read of it, and I do want to emphasis that I am no means regretting trying out for that degree, since it did shape me, and I am ready to face whatever I might encounter along the way.
Clubs and Societies
I've only joined up to the ones around my degree. For a lot of my life, I had been scared of regret more than anything, and even now, that still seems to be a defining fact in the decisions I make, from joining a variety of clubs in high school and even in the subjects I took. But I had become so drained from all the things I did in high school, I did everything out of obligation rather than passion. There wasn't anything I loved and that realisation scared me. I had no definite interests, I liked music sure, I liked movies, but I wouldn't necessarily listen to music or watch a movie unless someone wanted to watch with me. In a crowded room, surrounded by friends and achievements that wouldn't mean anything once I left high school, I felt empty. Out of all my friends, who were enjoying their last year, I felt alone and terrified (what if I don't get that ATAR, that mark, that reference) and the extracurriculars I had were just more responsibilities, more stresses. I liked them at times, but most of them seemed to be obligations since I had done them for such a long time.
That's why this year I hope to live for me and redefine who I am. I just want to be happy and gain something from life. With time, I'll find activities that I like, pick up extracurriculars and hobbies and a job, but currently, I'm struggling to balance everything properly. I think I'll get the hang of it soon enough but for now, I'm content with all these assignments I have haha and the courses I do. My maths course is kinda killing me at the moment, but it should one day work out (right??) and I enjoy the other classes I have.
Song of the Week
Here's a chance for everyone to see and probably judge my dodgy (lowkey top 40 trash at times) music taste. This week I've been listening to a lot of 'Therapy' by All Time Low.
Arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to
They're better off without you (they're better off without you)
Arrogant boy cause a scene like you're supposed to
They'll fall asleep without you
You're lucky if your memory remains
Another week finished and luckily, I finished a bit earlier today and got home in time to relax (before beginning on the stack of work I have to do).
Law
The most critical thing is my assessment, which is a court observation due next week., Essentially, it's a court report about some cases we personally have watched and we have to link that to the professional development of lawyers as well as key concepts from class, but it is quite open to interpretation. I haven't started yet, but I've brainstormed the key concepts and I know some of what I want to talk about. Hopefully, it shouldn't be that bad to knock over.
Of course, I have readings and more hw from our law tutorial but I think I'm getting the hang of everything right now!
Explanation behind tutorial vs lecture
at UNSW, law is split up into lectures, perhaps more accurately described as Socratic semainers, and research tutorials where we learn how to cite cases, how to find these documents, etc There's not much in common with both, except the research tutorial is good for your general knowledge. There is mandatory class participation points from our lecture, but not for our tutorial, though our final exam is split into 2 exams, one for the lecture coursework and the other for the tutorial work.
Maths
Next will have to be all this maths I have to do. I finished my Calculus test for the week (we have these 6 quizzes and a couple of tests to do which are worth like 4% of our grade, but we can do it however many times we want which is super good imo). But I have a bunch of questions to do, some of which I don't totally understand yet since our lectures are behind our tutorials. It kind of annoys me since most of us end up learning everything ahead, which is somewhat time-consuming, to be able to answer the questions and our tutor expects us to have already covered everything in our lecture, which we haven't.
I think the problem is because of the trimesters (lmao, I can't truly judge), since my tutor said they never used to teach tutorials in the first week, but now they do to make up hours or something like that. Anyway, I also made the horrible realisation that after class ends for the term, we have exams in a two week block like after HSC. I honestly thought we'd be finished everything when term ends, but it be like that sometimes, I guess. (Is it just me or does uni have a lot less breaks than what I expected?)
Economics
Economics, well, well, I have only really done the stuff for the first week so I'll get cracking on the stuff for the second week this weekend as well. I think we have an in-tute assessment in two weeks but my tutor hasn't really said anything about it. And I'm somewhat confused on how to operate playeconomics, which is a game and completing it is part of our grade (meant to be the easy bit, but I don't think my laptop really has the storage to properly play it haha). But that's it.
Highlights of My Week
I went to the Drop-in Maths Tutoring and I honestly want to rave about it. One, it's free!!! Secondly, the tutors are all extremely nice and helpful, and they are much more approachable than our lecturers or even our tutors. The guy who helped me out did not blink an eye at any of my stupid questions and was really considerate, making sure I understood the mathematical symbols for example, even though our tutor just assumed we must have covered it in high school. When there was five minutes til his lunch break, he insisted we cover anything else I wanted to know and even went ten minutes into his lunch break, instead of just calling it quits then, which I would have understood. Thank you so much to my tutor for all your time and effort! It means more than you could ever know!
I also went to the LawSoc Peer Mentoring, and by accident, ended up being the only person there out of my group of 6. But my mentors were so nice that I didn't feel awkward at all, they were really kind though, and made sure I didn't feel left out though they had obviously known each other for a long time. A huge shout out to my mentors for all their good humour and genuine interest in what I had to say ;D
The third most memorable thing was that, I met some of my high school friends on the commute home by chance. Even though they go to a different uni, it was good seeing a familiar face once in a while and catching up on their lives!
That's pretty much it, I'm going to try and finish my tutorial hw for Law and hopefully get started on my report right now.
Song of the Week
I found this song this week and I really enjoyed it (lowkey tried to make a spotify playlist with just this song but nevermind about that. It's Sam Smith and Normani's 'Dancing with a Stranger' (was thinking about putting Shallow in light of the Oscars but I don't really love the song as much as everyone else does :(
Look what you made me do, I'm with somebody new
Ooh, baby, baby, I'm dancing with a stranger