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#### ninwa

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« on: July 03, 2010, 02:47:22 pm »
+5
My friend looooves sending me emails with jokes and stuff and they always brighten up my day, so I thought I'd share! (and feel free to share yours, too...)

WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY NON-PC STUFF

Woman as explained by a physicist:

Woman as explained by an engineer:

Woman as explained by a mathematician:

Woman as explained by a radio operator:

Woman as explained by a military tactician:
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#### ninwa

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« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2010, 02:48:52 pm »
+4
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But,

A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and,

B -U  -L  -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, its the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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#### ninwa

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« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2010, 02:50:12 pm »
+2
BITCHES TILL THE END!

The doctor after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things are not good. I have cancer, So let's head to the club, and have a martini.'

After three or four martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end; I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences, and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
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#### ninwa

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« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2010, 02:50:47 pm »
+4
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#### ninwa

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« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2010, 02:53:15 pm »
0
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#### ninwa

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« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2010, 02:54:15 pm »
+2
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#### ninwa

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« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2010, 02:57:37 pm »
0
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#### ninwa

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« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2010, 03:01:49 pm »
+1
Sorry Bill, I'd rather kiss my new boss kthxbye

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#### monokekie

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« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2010, 03:02:53 pm »
0
BITCHES TILL THE END!

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

(y)
well the limit can turn into a threshold..

#### ninwa

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« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2010, 03:09:22 pm »
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#### monokekie

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« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2010, 03:15:37 pm »
-1
i feel sorry for the man's skin... but srsly, he's good
well the limit can turn into a threshold..

#### ninwa

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« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2010, 03:16:23 pm »
+2

i feel sorry for the man's skin... but srsly, he's good
haha, me too
« Last Edit: July 03, 2010, 03:18:23 pm by ninwa »
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#### ninwa

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« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2010, 03:24:08 pm »
+1
AUSTRALIAN WOMEN:
First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date:
You get to have sex but only when she wants to.

5th Anniversary:
You both live in different states and hate the sight of each other.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing
is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date:
Meet her parents.

Second date:
Meet more relatives. No more dates. Set the date of the wedding.

Third date:
Wedding night.
After 30 years, you are still stuck in the relationship just because of the shame it will bring to the family and the thought of dividing the wealth if you break up.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date:
She's pregnant.

Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN:
First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date:

No third date!!!

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You will have to spend all your money to impress

Second Date:
You will take a loan to keep the image

Third Date :
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier
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#### ninwa

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« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2010, 03:24:29 pm »
+4
An old Greek lived alone in Melbourne.  He wanted to plant his annual  tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Jimmy, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Dimitry,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Baba

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Baba,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Jimmy

At 4 a.m. the next morning, the local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Baba,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Jimmy
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#### /0

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« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2010, 03:34:55 pm »
0