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Author Topic: Advanced English: Module C essay - Art of Travel  (Read 4356 times)

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Potatohater

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Advanced English: Module C essay - Art of Travel
« on: October 10, 2017, 09:29:54 pm »
0
Hey so I wrote this under timed conditions with an open book earlier today and have just typed it up (it was so tempting to edit it, but no, must leave it how it is in my book)
Could a moderator please mark it now that I qualify for essay marking?

Spoiler
2015 module C question:

'Experiences of landscape may be diverse, but the influence on identity is always profound.

Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The experiences of landscapes vary as each individual's experience is unique, however, the influence on identity is always profound. This is represented in Alain de Botton's multimodal non-fiction text The Art of Travel in which identities are changed and challenged. Jane Harrison's contemporary Australian play Stolen also supports this argument through the removal of identity and the internal struggle of identity conflict, as a result of the political and social landscape of the time in which it is set. Through these two texts it is evident that identity is greatly impacted by an individual's relationships with the landscape.

The experience of landscapes can influence identity. This is evident through De Botton's representation of nature in The Art of Travel, Nature is seen to influence identity through the observation "our identities are too a greater or lesser extent malleable" depending on who or what we find ourselves in the presence of. This can allow us to "seek out in life and in each other "whatever is desirable and good"" as established through the use of a direct quotation from William Wordsworth, a focus literary figure otherwise referred to as a guide. The use of Wordsworth as a guide supports arguments by revealing similar perspectives, and expressing how nature has "the power to suggest certain values to us", and thus, influencing our identities. Therefore the positive experience of nature has a profound impact on our identities by allowing us to become more kind hearted human beings.

In Stolen, the identity of individuals are not only changed, but they are removed entirely. This is evident through the dialogue "JIMMY: Willy? / RUBY: Jimmy!" Which conveys Jimmy's name change and hence, removal of identity. The overlay of his mother's voice over reading letters to her son as Jimmy states "my name's not Willy, and she's not my mother. My mother's dead" further highlights the complete removal of identity. This identity removal is clearly a result of the Cranby Children's home landscape, as well as the political landscape, since this is a consequence of Australia's attempt to whitewash society. Therefore this highly negative relationship with the landscapes has had a profound impact on identity as explored through the removal of Jimmy's. 

Identity can also conflict with perceived realities, due to the connections with the environments around us. This is represented in The Art of Travel through the conflict between where one is born and where one is attracted and identifies with. This is evident through the inclusion of Gustave Flaubert as a guide to support arguments on the exotic as "he proposed a new way of ascribing nationality...according to the places to which one is attracted." This idea that our identities are based on the environment we feel positively connected to rather than where we originate is further represented through the direct quotation "I don't give a shit for Normandy or La Belle France... I think I must have been transported by the winds to this land of mud" the metaphor "land of mud" conveys dissatisfaction with ones home country. Thus, "Flaubert insisted he was not French" since his true affections were for that of the orient. This positive relationship with the orient and negative one with France thus creates a conflict between where an individual identifies and where they actually originate.

Conflicting identities are also represented as a result of the landscape in Stolen. Through the character of Anne and the social landscape in which she finds herself in the conflict is effectively conveyed. The stage directions "she runs to the other side of the stage" and "she turns away and holds her head as if in pain" physically represents her internal struggle as to where she belongs. The repetition of the black and white voices' dialogue "who do you think you are?" Enhance the mental agony of Anne's situation. By wanting to be a part of both families, expressed through the humour of "I got mum some milk chocolates and I got my mother some dark...either way I love them both" conflict in identity has arisen. Hence the social landscape of the stolen generation is seen to cause individuals an internal struggle in terms of finding their identities. 

Through the Art of Travel and Stolen the relationships between people and landscapes are seen to have a profound impact on an individual's identity. This is explored through the representation of how people interact with the various physical, political and social landscapes around them. Therefore the diverse relationships between people and landscapes has a profound impact on an individual's identity.

Also if anyone else is doing Art of Travel, please feel free to read and give feedback too
HSC 2017: Advanced English [85] General Maths [92] Biology [96] Geography [92] Drama [86]

2018: Bachelor of Arts and Advanced Studies at University of Sydney

-- need a tutor for any of the subjects listed above?? I reckon I'm the girl! Just message me on ATAR notes or here--

2D Trash

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Re: Advanced English: Module C essay - Art of Travel
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2017, 08:50:33 pm »
+2
I think your paragraphs are well-structured and your arguments are solid and are properly supported by lots of textual evidence. Your introduction is also really clear and answers the question thoroughly. However, I feel that your conclusion is a bit repetitive - the first sentence and last sentence is very similar. Perhaps, try shortening it? Idk, maybe that's just me. Overall, I really liked your essay. ^^

Potatohater

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Re: Advanced English: Module C essay - Art of Travel
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2017, 09:42:54 pm »
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I think your paragraphs are well-structured and your arguments are solid and are properly supported by lots of textual evidence. Your introduction is also really clear and answers the question thoroughly. However, I feel that your conclusion is a bit repetitive - the first sentence and last sentence is very similar. Perhaps, try shortening it? Idk, maybe that's just me. Overall, I really liked your essay. ^^

Ahhh yeah I know what you mean, I think I do that in every essay but not sure how to fix it, any advice how to structure a better conclusion?
HSC 2017: Advanced English [85] General Maths [92] Biology [96] Geography [92] Drama [86]

2018: Bachelor of Arts and Advanced Studies at University of Sydney

-- need a tutor for any of the subjects listed above?? I reckon I'm the girl! Just message me on ATAR notes or here--

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Advanced English: Module C essay - Art of Travel
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2017, 09:53:43 pm »
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Just confirming this is on the moderator marking list! ;D Potatohater, you might want to repay 2D Trash for their feedback by taking a bit of a peek at their Creative they've posted here? ;D

Potatohater

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Re: Advanced English: Module C essay - Art of Travel
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2017, 10:13:30 pm »
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Just confirming this is on the moderator marking list! ;D Potatohater, you might want to repay 2D Trash for their feedback by taking a bit of a peek at their Creative they've posted here? ;D
Ooh yeah for sure!
Just checking, the Hamlet essay is on the list too right, since I have 100+ posts and havn't had any essays marked in the past?
« Last Edit: October 11, 2017, 10:30:26 pm by Potatohater »
HSC 2017: Advanced English [85] General Maths [92] Biology [96] Geography [92] Drama [86]

2018: Bachelor of Arts and Advanced Studies at University of Sydney

-- need a tutor for any of the subjects listed above?? I reckon I'm the girl! Just message me on ATAR notes or here--

2D Trash

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Re: Advanced English: Module C essay - Art of Travel
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2017, 05:25:53 pm »
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Ahhh yeah I know what you mean, I think I do that in every essay but not sure how to fix it, any advice how to structure a better conclusion?

Maybe like this: 'Through the Art of Travel and Stolen, diverse relationships between people and landscapes has a profound impact on an individual's identity which is explored through the representation of how people interact with the various physical, political and social landscapes around them.'

Just got rid of half of the first sentence, replaced it with your last sentence and connected it with the rest so it flowed better~

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Advanced English: Module C essay - Art of Travel
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2017, 07:31:04 pm »
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Ooh yeah for sure!
Just checking, the Hamlet essay is on the list too right, since I have 100+ posts and havn't had any essays marked in the past?

Yeah absolutely is - Both will be marked tomorrow at a guess ;D

elysepopplewell

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Re: Advanced English: Module C essay - Art of Travel
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2017, 10:07:04 pm »
+3
Hey so I wrote this under timed conditions with an open book earlier today and have just typed it up (it was so tempting to edit it, but no, must leave it how it is in my book)
Could a moderator please mark it now that I qualify for essay marking?

Spoiler
2015 module C question:

'Experiences of landscape may be diverse, but the influence on identity is always profound. Ha! This was my question.

Evaluate this statement with detailed reference to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The experiences of landscapes vary as each individual's experience is unique, however, the influence on identity is always profound. This is represented in Alain de Botton's multimodal non-fiction text The Art of Travel in which identities are changed and challenged. Jane Harrison's contemporary Australian play Stolen also supports this argument through the removal of identity and the internal struggle of identity conflict, as a result of the political and social landscape of the time in which it is set. Through these two texts it is evident that identity is greatly impacted by an individual's relationships with the landscape. Because identities feature so strongly in your essay (it seems, based on the intro), I'd try and bring them into your very first sentence, because currently all that does is agree with the question. It isn't bad, but maybe this could be better?

The experience of landscapes can influence identity. This is evident through De Botton's representation of nature in The Art of Travel, Nature is seen to influence identity through the observation "our identities are too a greater or lesser extent malleable" depending on who or what we find ourselves in the presence of. This can allow us to "seek out in life and in each other "whatever is desirable and good"" as established through the use of a direct quotation from William Wordsworth, a focus literary figure otherwise referred to as a guide. The use of Wordsworth as a guide supports arguments by revealing similar perspectives, and expressing how nature has "the power to suggest certain values to us", and thus, influencing our identities. Therefore the positive experience of nature has a profound impact on our identities by allowing us to become more kind hearted human beings. I don't think it's clear that the landscape you're exploring is a natural landscape. Instead, it's like nature is a motif, within the landscape. I'd adjust this in your second sentence, which at the moment seems a bit bizarre to me because of the way the quote has been inserted without analysis, it's kind of just stating your thesis for you. I'm also not convinced about "identities" in this part here. It isn't flowing to me. It seems like the main part of this paragraph is the fact that someone else said something, so we're going to give it weight. It doesn't do much in terms of individualism or identity in landscapes for me. I think your ideas are right, it's just the expression to work on, and maybe supporting it with other evidence.

In Stolen, the identity of individuals are not only changed, but they are removed entirely. This is evident through the dialogue "JIMMY: Willy? / RUBY: Jimmy!" Which conveys Jimmy's name change and hence, removal of identity. The overlay of his mother's voice over reading letters to her son as Jimmy states "my name's not Willy, and she's not my mother. My mother's dead" further highlights the complete removal of identity. This identity removal is clearly a result of the Cranby Children's home landscape, as well as the political landscape, since this is a consequence of Australia's attempt to whitewash society. Therefore this highly negative relationship with the landscapes has had a profound impact on identity as explored through the removal of Jimmy's.  The second last sentence here is very much story retell, and then some analysis. So as a whole, your paragraph is like: thesis, quote, quote and analysis without a technique, retell, then link. Whenever you're quoting, find the technique that will bridge your analysis to the link about landscapes.
 Here, the link between landscape and identity isn't clear, it's kind of like two separate entities waiting for you to link them.


Identity can also conflict with perceived realities, due to the connections with the environments around us. This is represented in The Art of Travel through the conflict between where one is born and where one is attracted and identifies with. This is evident through the inclusion of Gustave Flaubert as a guide to support arguments on the exotic as "he proposed a new way of ascribing nationality...according to the places to which one is attracted." This idea that our identities are based on the environment we feel positively connected to rather than where we originate is further represented through the direct quotation "I don't give a shit for Normandy or La Belle France... I think I must have been transported by the winds to this land of mud" the metaphor "land of mud" conveys dissatisfaction with ones home country. Thus, "Flaubert insisted he was not French" since his true affections were for that of the orient. This positive relationship with the orient and negative one with France thus creates a conflict between where an individual identifies and where they actually originate. Who is being quoted in this direct quotation? In this one I'm understanding the link between landscape and identity more, but I suggest trying to use the words of the rubric more - like a remembered landscape. You're not really identifying the landscape types, just that they are a landscape, and I think this is a missed opportunity to be unique in your analysis.

Conflicting identities are also represented as a result of the landscape in Stolen. Through the character of Anne and the social landscape in which she finds herself in the conflict is effectively conveyed. The stage directions "she runs to the other side of the stage" and "she turns away and holds her head as if in pain" physically represents her internal struggle as to where she belongs. The repetition of the black and white voices' dialogue "who do you think you are?" Enhance the mental agony of Anne's situation. By wanting to be a part of both families, expressed through the humour of "I got mum some milk chocolates and I got my mother some dark...either way I love them both" conflict in identity has arisen. Hence the social landscape of the stolen generation is seen to cause individuals an internal struggle in terms of finding their identities.  There's more to analyse here than what you currently have - in that quote you could also talk about the first person the narration, for example, and double that with the humour.

Through the Art of Travel and Stolen the relationships between people and landscapes are seen to have a profound impact on an individual's identity. This is explored through the representation of how people interact with the various physical, political and social landscapes around them. Therefore the diverse relationships between people and landscapes has a profound impact on an individual's identity.

Also if anyone else is doing Art of Travel, please feel free to read and give feedback too

I think the main thing that needs work is your paragraph structure. If a sentence isn't directly adding to your thesis, or it isn't being directly and acutely analytical, then cull it. Every sentence should be propelling your argument in a clear and interesting way. When you're dealing with quotes, try and embed them seamlessly and immediately attach them to a technique and analysis. Your paragraphs are sitting at being quite short, so consider comparing the texts in each paragraph, moving between them in the one paragraph, rather than leaving them separate. This will involve putting in more words and more analysis, but when you get rid of the sentences that aren't directly important, (as per the instructions above), you'll find your essay becomes more dense and you will have room to add more. Maybe this analogy will help.

Don't be afraid of referring to the words of the stimulus more, and in your conclusion I'd also recommend looking at referencing your texts one last time as well :) Hopefully this gives you a good idea about where to go next to improve :)
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