BRAVE NEW WORLD PEER MARKING HELP!!!!

[Mounica]

Hey guys
I was gonna post my essay on atarnotes to get it marked but I guess I waited till last minute and the threads are locked :/
so can someone doing bnw PLEASE peer mark my essay for me
I honestly really really need some advice and feedback cos idk what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong
so guys if you can pls help me out

[dancing phalanges]

Here's my thoughts Hope they help:

In their representation all composers will manipulate aspects of genre and form to emphasise their perspectives. Within Huxley’s dystopian prose fiction novel Brave New World, the composer intentionally represents a society in which the English language has been butchered to create a situation of conformity whereby the people of the “world state” are unable to exercise any sense of intellectual autonomy nor creative though. Link here somewhere along the lines of: Thus, Huxley represents Totalitarian Governments as in conflict with human freedom and expression. By doing so, it will link this good point to the Module, People and Politics. I know you have done this later but it is good to also to begin with it as to show you are answering the module. The novel captures the condemning perspective on a totalitarian government motivated to increase their locus of power through acting in a manner that is inconsistent with the promotion of free will and agency. I would change to: Huxley represents the BNW’s underlying political motivation as concerning a desire for control and the suppression of free thought and opinion within the World State supports this aim.This is idea is proved when Bernard and Lenina go on a date, there is a marked contrast in their conversation. While Bernard challenges conventional thought by suggesting “I’d rather be myself…myself and nasty. Not somebody else, however jolly”, Lenina’s response is “A gramme in times saves nine”. The platitudes establish a very juvenile discourse created by the rhyming couplets that are reminiscent of children nursey rhymes and also it serves as a useful metaphor for the homogeneity and mindlessness of the world states society. Furthermore, the use of platitudes is ironic as people solve complex problems through banal and cliché statements where intellectual and creative through would have been far more compelling. I understand your point but I think a more direct link to people and politics is necessary. Something along the lines of: Thus, Lenina is represented by Huxley as a typical citizen of the Brave New World, conditioned to dutifully accept the core values of the World State, despite these being contrary to individual freedom. Through his satirical commentary, Huxley empowers the reader with a deeper understanding of the extent which totalitarianism undermines the democratic right to freedom of through and freedom of association. This is a nice link to the module.

Similarly, the situation of conformity is parodied in the poem, “Enter without so much as knocking” by Bruce Daw. The Poem follows the event of a man’s life from birth into society to death. It shows how he and his family conform to society as becomes just like everybody else taking a critical view of modern day society. This is represented through the signs in the poem that indicate that we, as humans, are told how to live. Dawe utilises listing of signs in capital letters, with the upper-case, short sentences and imperatives connoting a society where people are controlled and function as machines rather than people. This automated, machine-like connotation creates an impression that people are uniform and produced on an assembly line. Like the citizens of the Brave New World are through the Bokanovsky Process (a nice link to make?) This emphasises the pressure to conform introduced in the second stanza where he described the new child’s home as “like every other / well-equipped smoothly-run household”. The simile again, just as it did with the other family members, emphasises the materialistic, calculable nature of daily life through Dawe’s choice of description. Furthermore, the situation of conformity can be seen through the event of the funeral, where the poetic persona describes everyone’s facial expressions as “the old automatic smile with nothing behind it”. This shows the extent of the facade people had developed in order to fit in with society, which kills genuine emotional responses and individualism, and encourages conformity. Link needed to people and politics here but otherwise I thought this paragraph was well done, perhaps one more quote/textual reference and also the idea of conformity can be linked to BNW a bit to show sophistication.

The subjective nature of representation allows for effective manipulation and thus establishment of control by composers over audience perception of politics in order to create effective re-evaluation of our own political systems. I like the idea of the author expressing his own views on people and politics but I think this could be worded better. Perhaps: Huxley has manipulated his textual form as to prompt the audience to reconsider their own personal views on the interplay of people and politics. Huxley in his novel Brave New World uses the deliberate representation of the science fiction medium in order to portray his contextual motivations in establishing concern surrounding the consequences of totalitarian politics upon the necessary tension between society and the individual. Again, this is a good idea but lacking clarity. Try: Huxley utilises the satiric form of novel to comment on his concerns of the possibility of the rise of totalitarian governments given the context in which he composed. His use of temporal displacement in representing a possible dystopian future America emphasises his concern over the consequences of political complacency resulting in a removal of individual autonomy. The inventive lexicon in ‘there’s always soma to give you a holiday from the facts’ highlights Huxley’s concern surrounding the morally displaced motivations behind the omnipotent oligarchy of the world state. His representation of Lenina as a member of the incredulous masses within the repetition of hypnopaedic sayings, “when an individual feels, society reels”, effectively allows for his motivations against totalitarian politics to establish control over his responder and thus challenge them to consider the repercussions of lacking necessary political discourse in society. Firstly, you need to actually explicitly discuss Huxley’s context – the rise of fascism, the uncertainty surrounding the Great Depression etc. Also, this paragraph as a whole I don’t think supports your argument nor is it expressed all too clearly. Again its more expression than the ideas that is your weakness at this point. I think quotes from John the Savage are more appropriate to expressing the immorality of the BNW as he directly calls the World State out for being contrary to human expression and freedoms. He is an absolute MUST to mention. You are close to the point though
 
Similar to Huxley’s concern on totalitarian governments undermining individual’s autonomy, Bruce Dawe through the poem “Enter without so much as knocking” expresses his concern over a consumer driven society. Through the utilisation of diction and syntax, Dawe conveys his concerns, “his included one economy-size mum, one Anthony Squires-cool stream-summer weight Dad, along with two other kids straight off the junior department rack”. This clearly shows how the dad in the poem is being identified by what he wears rather than for who he is and how he behaves, the same goes for the kids, mentioning rather than their innocence and delightfulness they have been recognised as straight out of a rack in a department store meaning they are new and young. I can’t comment on the poem as I don’t know it, but the problem is your sentences are too long or just don’t make sense as a whole. Just need to work on clarity a bit. Dawe has shown the harshness and severeness of the effect of consumerism on the world we live in today.  Thus, Dawe shows the extent to which individualism can be demonetised in a world where the government is more interested in economic welfare then the welfare of the citizens. Maybe link to people and politics a bit more clearly

[Mounica]

Here's my thoughts Hope they help:

In their representation all composers will manipulate aspects of genre and form to emphasise their perspectives. Within Huxley’s dystopian prose fiction novel Brave New World, the composer intentionally represents a society in which the English language has been butchered to create a situation of conformity whereby the people of the “world state” are unable to exercise any sense of intellectual autonomy nor creative though. Link here somewhere along the lines of: Thus, Huxley represents Totalitarian Governments as in conflict with human freedom and expression. By doing so, it will link this good point to the Module, People and Politics. I know you have done this later but it is good to also to begin with it as to show you are answering the module. The novel captures the condemning perspective on a totalitarian government motivated to increase their locus of power through acting in a manner that is inconsistent with the promotion of free will and agency. I would change to: Huxley represents the BNW’s underlying political motivation as concerning a desire for control and the suppression of free thought and opinion within the World State supports this aim.This is idea is proved when Bernard and Lenina go on a date, there is a marked contrast in their conversation. While Bernard challenges conventional thought by suggesting “I’d rather be myself…myself and nasty. Not somebody else, however jolly”, Lenina’s response is “A gramme in times saves nine”. The platitudes establish a very juvenile discourse created by the rhyming couplets that are reminiscent of children nursey rhymes and also it serves as a useful metaphor for the homogeneity and mindlessness of the world states society. Furthermore, the use of platitudes is ironic as people solve complex problems through banal and cliché statements where intellectual and creative through would have been far more compelling. I understand your point but I think a more direct link to people and politics is necessary. Something along the lines of: Thus, Lenina is represented by Huxley as a typical citizen of the Brave New World, conditioned to dutifully accept the core values of the World State, despite these being contrary to individual freedom. Through his satirical commentary, Huxley empowers the reader with a deeper understanding of the extent which totalitarianism undermines the democratic right to freedom of through and freedom of association. This is a nice link to the module.

Similarly, the situation of conformity is parodied in the poem, “Enter without so much as knocking” by Bruce Daw. The Poem follows the event of a man’s life from birth into society to death. It shows how he and his family conform to society as becomes just like everybody else taking a critical view of modern day society. This is represented through the signs in the poem that indicate that we, as humans, are told how to live. Dawe utilises listing of signs in capital letters, with the upper-case, short sentences and imperatives connoting a society where people are controlled and function as machines rather than people. This automated, machine-like connotation creates an impression that people are uniform and produced on an assembly line. Like the citizens of the Brave New World are through the Bokanovsky Process (a nice link to make?) This emphasises the pressure to conform introduced in the second stanza where he described the new child’s home as “like every other / well-equipped smoothly-run household”. The simile again, just as it did with the other family members, emphasises the materialistic, calculable nature of daily life through Dawe’s choice of description. Furthermore, the situation of conformity can be seen through the event of the funeral, where the poetic persona describes everyone’s facial expressions as “the old automatic smile with nothing behind it”. This shows the extent of the facade people had developed in order to fit in with society, which kills genuine emotional responses and individualism, and encourages conformity. Link needed to people and politics here but otherwise I thought this paragraph was well done, perhaps one more quote/textual reference and also the idea of conformity can be linked to BNW a bit to show sophistication.

The subjective nature of representation allows for effective manipulation and thus establishment of control by composers over audience perception of politics in order to create effective re-evaluation of our own political systems. I like the idea of the author expressing his own views on people and politics but I think this could be worded better. Perhaps: Huxley has manipulated his textual form as to prompt the audience to reconsider their own personal views on the interplay of people and politics. Huxley in his novel Brave New World uses the deliberate representation of the science fiction medium in order to portray his contextual motivations in establishing concern surrounding the consequences of totalitarian politics upon the necessary tension between society and the individual. Again, this is a good idea but lacking clarity. Try: Huxley utilises the satiric form of novel to comment on his concerns of the possibility of the rise of totalitarian governments given the context in which he composed. His use of temporal displacement in representing a possible dystopian future America emphasises his concern over the consequences of political complacency resulting in a removal of individual autonomy. The inventive lexicon in ‘there’s always soma to give you a holiday from the facts’ highlights Huxley’s concern surrounding the morally displaced motivations behind the omnipotent oligarchy of the world state. His representation of Lenina as a member of the incredulous masses within the repetition of hypnopaedic sayings, “when an individual feels, society reels”, effectively allows for his motivations against totalitarian politics to establish control over his responder and thus challenge them to consider the repercussions of lacking necessary political discourse in society. Firstly, you need to actually explicitly discuss Huxley’s context – the rise of fascism, the uncertainty surrounding the Great Depression etc. Also, this paragraph as a whole I don’t think supports your argument nor is it expressed all too clearly. Again its more expression than the ideas that is your weakness at this point. I think quotes from John the Savage are more appropriate to expressing the immorality of the BNW as he directly calls the World State out for being contrary to human expression and freedoms. He is an absolute MUST to mention. You are close to the point though
 
Similar to Huxley’s concern on totalitarian governments undermining individual’s autonomy, Bruce Dawe through the poem “Enter without so much as knocking” expresses his concern over a consumer driven society. Through the utilisation of diction and syntax, Dawe conveys his concerns, “his included one economy-size mum, one Anthony Squires-cool stream-summer weight Dad, along with two other kids straight off the junior department rack”. This clearly shows how the dad in the poem is being identified by what he wears rather than for who he is and how he behaves, the same goes for the kids, mentioning rather than their innocence and delightfulness they have been recognised as straight out of a rack in a department store meaning they are new and young. I can’t comment on the poem as I don’t know it, but the problem is your sentences are too long or just don’t make sense as a whole. Just need to work on clarity a bit. Dawe has shown the harshness and severeness of the effect of consumerism on the world we live in today.  Thus, Dawe shows the extent to which individualism can be demonetised in a world where the government is more interested in economic welfare then the welfare of the citizens. Maybe link to people and politics a bit more clearly

OMG, thank you so much for your feedback. Based on your feedback i wrote a new paragraph and i was wondering if you take a look at and tell me if there is anything i should change or add.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the individuality of the citizens through technological advances, thus creating a strict controlled state, ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their desire for power and feigning concern for the needs of the populace. In Brave New World, Huxley’s science fiction construct allows him to warn society of the dangers that may spark from scientific advancements that occurred during the 1920s. Huxley cautions that such progressions may be abused, resulting in the homogenisation of society under a totalitarian regime that condemns change, as this may threaten the ruling class. Motivated by the yearning to achieve social stability, the World Controllers establish control over the populace by keeping them happy, occupied and amused. This is evidently shown when Fanny talks about Bernard, saying with “horror” that he “spends most of his time by himself-alone”. The utilization of italics on the word “alone” is an intentional act of Huxley’s that shows just how strange and startling wanting to be alone is. This is further reinforced when Bernard and Lenina are in the helicopter, and Bernard decides to turn the radio off and attempts to convince Lenina of the beauty of the quiet and the sea. The body language of Lenina “shrinking”, the metaphor of the nights “rushing emptiness”, the “black” coloured water and “moons pale face’, are all examples of a lack of stimulation, a lack of entertainment to occupy the mind and Lenina is appalled by it, rushing with the exclamation and imperative “quick” to turn on the radio to provide some distraction. The citizens of the Brave New World cannot bear solitude or quiet for too long as this breeds introspection, thoughts, ideas, all which are possible heretical challenges to the existing order and that cannot be tolerated nor risked. Thus, Huxley is emphasising to the audience that they must question their own society, rather than simply allowing our consumer culture and technological advancements to control our minds.   

[dancing phalanges]

OMG, thank you so much for your feedback. Based on your feedback i wrote a new paragraph and i was wondering if you take a look at and tell me if there is anything i should change or add.
Politicians endeavour to deprive the individuality of the citizens through technological advances, thus creating a strict controlled state, ultimately manipulating the citizens to satisfy their desire for power and feigning concern for the needs of the populace. In Brave New World, Huxley’s science fiction construct allows him to warn society of the dangers that may spark from scientific advancements that occurred during the 1920s. Huxley cautions that such progressions may be abused, resulting in the homogenisation of society under a totalitarian regime that condemns change, as this may threaten the ruling class. Motivated by the yearning to achieve social stability, the World Controllers establish control over the populace by keeping them happy, occupied and amused. This is evidently shown when Fanny talks about Bernard, saying with “horror” that he “spends most of his time by himself-alone”. The utilization of italics on the word “alone” is an intentional act of Huxley’s that shows just how strange and startling wanting to be alone is. This is further reinforced when Bernard and Lenina are in the helicopter, and Bernard decides to turn the radio off and attempts to convince Lenina of the beauty of the quiet and the sea. The body language of Lenina “shrinking”, the metaphor of the nights “rushing emptiness”, the “black” coloured water and “moons pale face’, are all examples of a lack of stimulation, a lack of entertainment to occupy the mind and Lenina is appalled by it, rushing with the exclamation and imperative “quick” to turn on the radio to provide some distraction. The citizens of the Brave New World cannot bear solitude or quiet for too long as this breeds introspection, thoughts, ideas, all which are possible heretical challenges to the existing order and that cannot be tolerated nor risked. Thus, Huxley is emphasising to the audience that they must question their own society, rather than simply allowing our consumer culture and technological advancements to control our minds.

Hey no problems at all! This is much better, my only advice would be to try condense the opening 4-5 sentences just because it goes on for just a bit too long and I just think it would be better to get to the point a bit quicker. But otherwise a good improvement If you have any quotes from John the Savage as I said they would be good to use too.

[Mounica]

Hey no problems at all! This is much better, my only advice would be to try condense the opening 4-5 sentences just because it goes on for just a bit too long and I just think it would be better to get to the point a bit quicker. But otherwise a good improvement If you have any quotes from John the Savage as I said they would be good to use too.

ok. Thanks so much for ur feedback, really appreciate it. 

[jamonwindeyer]

Who says you guys need Elyse and I awesome stuff dancing phalanges!

Edit: Another bit of advice Mounica, in a few places your analysis is focused purely on what we learn about the World State, the characters, etc - Make sure you are linking to concepts in a broader sense as well!!

[dancing phalanges]

Who says you guys need Elyse and I awesome stuff dancing phalanges!

Edit: Another bit of advice Mounica, in a few places your analysis is focused purely on what we learn about the World State, the characters, etc - Make sure you are linking to concepts in a broader sense as well!!

All good Jamon And yeah definitely right there - the info isn't the problem most of the time, it's just linking it to the module explicitly and to an overarching idea related to the module. 

[Mounica]

Who says you guys need Elyse and I awesome stuff dancing phalanges!

Edit: Another bit of advice Mounica, in a few places your analysis is focused purely on what we learn about the World State, the characters, etc - Make sure you are linking to concepts in a broader sense as well!!

Hey Jamon
could you pls expand on what you mean by linking concepts in a broader sense

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Jamon
could you pls expand on what you mean by linking concepts in a broader sense

So what I mean is, in some sections, you are relying on the plot to drive your points just a little too much:

This emphasises the pressure to conform introduced in the second stanza where he described the new child’s home as “like every other / well-equipped smoothly-run household.

While Bernard challenges conventional thought by suggesting “I’d rather be myself…myself and nasty. Not somebody else, however jolly”, Lenina’s response is “A gramme in times saves nine”.

See how in both of these instances you are sort of going to the plot, rather than just linking the technique to a concept? That's what I mean - And it is a huge nitpick btw because it is a great response! But in a few spots you could be more conceptual, and as dancing phalanges said, link to the module more obviously