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Author Topic: Re: Creative Feedback  (Read 554 times)

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Re: Creative Feedback
« on: October 15, 2017, 04:57:28 pm »
As the sun smacked James face a shock with the family in the car, james was trying to think but could not with a illusion thinking he was in a dream so he tested his senses and had spoken towards his family in the car who happen to look happy, so he started asking ‘’where the heck he was’’, outta nowhere they response had left him in shock and fear with unexpected words flying out ‘’He was on new journey’’, that had left james quite for a while. Then outta nowhere a fresh fragrance of new grass had smacked his nostrils which he attempted to glare out the window by which that left him blank uttering ‘’oh nooo’’. He then asked himself ‘’what if this whole time it was a dream, whilst in the car upon this unexpected journey to a whole new world. This trip that james is experiencing was not part of his plan, and even worse he was travelling to a whole new world. Then james had thought this might be a dream after all, then the light of the moon washes his face that left him to fall asleep.

He finally started to question his family members what about the past all the fun i had back within the old world is that all going into the trash can, shus!!! Your uter of words is causing loud noise within this trip. This clearly did not stop him from speaking or uttering words, by which could answer his question ‘’where on earth is he going with his family members’’. Then photos started to appear in his face, but these were not any original photos, it was photos of him. This left him shock indicating this was not a dream at all which put him to fall asleep.

When james was 12 back in his old town ‘’burk’’, with lots of friends and family that he loved spending time with all the time, but he had a favorite pet, ruby the rabbit james loved ruby, spent time with ruby all the time. But then one day james had endured a surprising shocking story by his family members, that he was going to leave ruby behind with his close families, as james was about to experience a whole new world this had physically impacted james that left him to faint that he was going to leave all his close friends, family, but especially ruby the rabbit.

Present day, the rise of the sunlight had washed his eyes, and thanks to the sun giving him enough vitamins making him able to think again, as all his memory finally came back, james had realized that this was not a dream after al, nor this trip was a dream, he was actually in the car with his family members, and this trip was a reality. Further, as he was glancing his eyes out of the window ‘’boom’’ new trees, buildings, and even people started to pop this was unexpected he asked himself ‘’boom’’, the car hit a bump with his head hitting the window ‘’ouch!!!. Outta nowhere all of his memory started to come back to him, from the time he was confronted with his personal photos and his family photos.

Finally, his brain has been washed, as the car kept and rolling along the road with his head out the window. Outta nowhere his facial expressions had changed from him smiling to in a state of confusion, as the care started to go over a bridge ‘’streaming’’ water was underneath it and buildings in the far horizons. Then he was confronted with tall high skyscrapers and a long-wide bridge right near it a building that had long wide long pointed triangles coming out of it, so then he question himself ‘’what on earth is this world he was in. Then he had finally said to himself he will ask one of his family members, their last response was this world he was in was named ‘’sydney’’.

Hello, i would love to get feedback on this creative writing thanks.  :-[


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Re: Re: Creative Feedback
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2017, 08:53:13 pm »
Hi, I think it's a bit late to give too detailed feedback but I'd really work on your basic English skills, like sentence structure, spelling and grammar, since because of this it is really hard to follow your story and I'm not sure what's going on. Remember:
--Capitals for 'proper nouns' (Names, places) and at the beginning of every sentence (and when someone starts talking, even if it's in the middle of a sentence!)
--If you begin to get out of breath reading your sentence aloud, then you need to end it and begin a new one
--Paragraphing and spacing. Cannot emphasise this enough. Don't keep going in a paragraph just because you think it's too short. Formatting is also a key part of telling a story!
--New paragraph every time someone new speaks. E.g. "where the heck he was"
--on that note don't use speech marks for non-dialogue. The above example would only work if he said, "Where the heck am I?"
--I wouldn't use 'outta' outside dialogue. It's too slang for a third person piece.
--Don't overuse exclamation marks. Save them for when shit gets real. (and don't use more than one like "Hey!!!" It loses impact.)
--Keep your tense!!!!!! (shush I can do it not you) This is super important, so you need to decide very quickly if you'll keep in the past or present. I would go with past if I were you since it is much simpler and you can describe things without having to worry about verbs.
--This is a personal thing but I write numbers as words. So James is twelve, not 12 etc.. Just makes it look more professional in my opinion.

I hope this helps you out in your story! I'm sorry I couldn't help you out with the plot but I honestly think these are the most important things to remember for now! Good luck with all your exams and congrats on getting to the final part of your schooling journey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and hurray for hypocrisy!)
HSC 2018: Who knows at this point