AOS ESSAY- TEMPEST

[3.14159265359]

hello, I was wondering if I could get some feedback on this, as I handed this to my teacher last year and she never gave it back to me  . thanks

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey there! I've read your essay and have a few pointers for you

- Ensure your Thesis is logical, flows and relates directly to Discovery. For you, I'm not sure how your 'manifestation of power' idea links to the following ideas in the Thesis. In fact, I quite like how your Thesis is laid out, that first sentence just doesn't sit right

- Ditto, for your paragraphs, ensure your topic sentences relate directly to Discovery and the question. Discovery (or a synonym) only appears in the first sentence of your third and fourth paragraph, it should appear in the first sentence of all of them. And the conclusion as well!

- Ensure you are avoiding textual retell. Sentences like this:

When Prospero came to the island, he took care of Caliban and treated him well, after he tried to rape Miranda, Prospero abused his power over Caliban as a form of punishment.

   Are just retelling the story, you can assume the reader knows the plot well and they do not need these details! Focus on techniques and effect

- Try and keep your quotes as short as possible, only pluck the part that demonstrates the technique properly. One of your quotes is 50 words by itself!

- Ensure your techniques are linked to Discovery. This analysis:

The effect of the rhythm allows the audience to feel as though Prospero is being condescending towards Miranda as he is using rhythmic tunes to make her feel inferior.

   We don't want to know what the audience learns about a character, what do we learn about how Discovery affects individuals differently? Constant conceptual focus should be your aim!

- As a way to enhance the clarity of your piece, try and get your quote, technique and analysis in the single sentence. This is tough but helps immensely. The golden rule is technique and quote in same sentence - Never separate those even if the analysis needs to be separate (of course you can, but I find it tends to make things messier)

- Ensure techniques are attributed to the composer, never characters. Characters are puppets, the composer chooses what they say and do for a purpose. What is that purpose and what is the technique? That's what we want to know

- Overall, you definitely need to cut this down, 2000 words is way too much for an AoS essay! Trim the retell, hone in on analytical sections and maybe even cut a paragraph - Get it down to something you can realistically work with and adapt to a question in the exam room

[3.14159265359]

Hey there! I've read your essay and have a few pointers for you

- Ensure your Thesis is logical, flows and relates directly to Discovery. For you, I'm not sure how your 'manifestation of power' idea links to the following ideas in the Thesis. In fact, I quite like how your Thesis is laid out, that first sentence just doesn't sit right

- Ditto, for your paragraphs, ensure your topic sentences relate directly to Discovery and the question. Discovery (or a synonym) only appears in the first sentence of your third and fourth paragraph, it should appear in the first sentence of all of them. And the conclusion as well!

- Ensure you are avoiding textual retell. Sentences like this:

When Prospero came to the island, he took care of Caliban and treated him well, after he tried to rape Miranda, Prospero abused his power over Caliban as a form of punishment.

   Are just retelling the story, you can assume the reader knows the plot well and they do not need these details! Focus on techniques and effect

- Try and keep your quotes as short as possible, only pluck the part that demonstrates the technique properly. One of your quotes is 50 words by itself!

- Ensure your techniques are linked to Discovery. This analysis:

The effect of the rhythm allows the audience to feel as though Prospero is being condescending towards Miranda as he is using rhythmic tunes to make her feel inferior.

   We don't want to know what the audience learns about a character, what do we learn about how Discovery affects individuals differently? Constant conceptual focus should be your aim!

- As a way to enhance the clarity of your piece, try and get your quote, technique and analysis in the single sentence. This is tough but helps immensely. The golden rule is technique and quote in same sentence - Never separate those even if the analysis needs to be separate (of course you can, but I find it tends to make things messier)

- Ensure techniques are attributed to the composer, never characters. Characters are puppets, the composer chooses what they say and do for a purpose. What is that purpose and what is the technique? That's what we want to know

- Overall, you definitely need to cut this down, 2000 words is way too much for an AoS essay! Trim the retell, hone in on analytical sections and maybe even cut a paragraph - Get it down to something you can realistically work with and adapt to a question in the exam room

Thank you so much!!! It was my first essay so I expected it to be crap. Hopefully with practice and with this AMAZING advice, I'll be able to improve. Thank you again

[3.14159265359]

Out of curiosity tho, was there ANYTHING GOOD about it?

[deprezj]

Hey,

This is a good essay. I really like your analysis and how it links in with your evidence. It is very long though, if this is what you'd use for your HSC essays, you only have 40 minutes so you really have to cut down like 800 words.

For the introduction, it's better to make the first two sentences into one thesis, if you can, it links a lot better and shows the flow between the two sentences and how they correlate. Also find a better word than book for the rabbits, find something more complex sounding, like the publication or volume or something.

"In this instance, Miranda’s complacence strikes a sharp juxtaposition with her father’s greedy thirst for knowledge, again reinforcing her submissiveness to Prospero." I really like this do not change it is so good, great links and descriptions, everything about it is very well put.

"John Marsden omits text due to the Aboriginal people, at the time this story is set, could not speak English and since then, they have never really had a voice." You need to fix the wording of this. So firstly, it'll save you time to just call the author by their last name, as long as you state their full name in the intro feel free to use last name, not first name, throughout the whole essay. "due to the aboriginal people" doesn't make sense maybe say "Marsden omits text as the time the text was created, Aboriginal people could not speak any English and since then, have had less of a voice than they deserve" something like that, you can't just say have never really had a voice, it's too informal.

Also, you need to have the same mass of related as your prescribed, you have half the amount of your related as your prescribed at the moment, in the syllabus it says equal parts analysis. I like the way you integrate your paragraphs so stick with that.

Hope this helps

[3.14159265359]

Hey,

This is a good essay. I really like your analysis and how it links in with your evidence. It is very long though, if this is what you'd use for your HSC essays, you only have 40 minutes so you really have to cut down like 800 words.

For the introduction, it's better to make the first two sentences into one thesis, if you can, it links a lot better and shows the flow between the two sentences and how they correlate. Also find a better word than book for the rabbits, find something more complex sounding, like the publication or volume or something.

"In this instance, Miranda’s complacence strikes a sharp juxtaposition with her father’s greedy thirst for knowledge, again reinforcing her submissiveness to Prospero." I really like this do not change it is so good, great links and descriptions, everything about it is very well put.

"John Marsden omits text due to the Aboriginal people, at the time this story is set, could not speak English and since then, they have never really had a voice." You need to fix the wording of this. So firstly, it'll save you time to just call the author by their last name, as long as you state their full name in the intro feel free to use last name, not first name, throughout the whole essay. "due to the aboriginal people" doesn't make sense maybe say "Marsden omits text as the time the text was created, Aboriginal people could not speak any English and since then, have had less of a voice than they deserve" something like that, you can't just say have never really had a voice, it's too informal.

Also, you need to have the same mass of related as your prescribed, you have half the amount of your related as your prescribed at the moment, in the syllabus it says equal parts analysis. I like the way you integrate your paragraphs so stick with that.

Hope this helps

Hey, thank you so much!! Your feedback put things into perspective for me