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March 29, 2024, 07:30:49 am

Author Topic: 2nd creative advanced english discovery  (Read 669 times)

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applesauce

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2nd creative advanced english discovery
« on: February 20, 2018, 06:25:35 pm »
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XD could i get some feedback for this please! thank u!

jamonwindeyer

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Re: 2nd creative advanced english discovery
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2018, 12:06:19 pm »
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Hey applesauce! Sorry for the delay friend, but thought I'd give you a few comments:

- I feel like the opening paragraph/orientation is a little rushed. I'd like some more imagery, some more emotive reflection, introduce your character more properly so the audience can start to empathise with them!
- Further, make sure you are showing, not telling! Don't tell us that your character opened up to their friend Dylan, show us by their reactions and interactions. It should be clear without you saying it!
- Watch mechanics, a few places missing full stops and commas. Read your piece aloud, listen for where you pause and put a comma there. Where you take a breath, put a full stop.
- We're a little too event/plot driven here, there's a lot happening and you aren't giving each event time to sink in and be properly reflected on. It's very, "This happened then this happened." We need more reflection! What you do in the middle with pathetic fallacy, for example, is excellent.
- I feel like the concept of Discovery isn't really coming through in this piece - The realisation at the end feels quite manufactured and quite forced. I think part of this is that the story isn't really natural, you've sort of just created this exclusion and told the audience about it rather than give us specific examples and interactions that show it to us. As a result, your main character doesn't come across positively, as the reader I'm a bit more sympathetic to Dylan and Jason than anything because I feel like it is your character who has created the issue with them. Some more specific interactions of the two of them ignoring the main character would help.


I think there's potential here! But you need to focus on show not tell, right now things are very plot driven and it's making it difficult to empathise with your character :)

applesauce

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Re: 2nd creative advanced english discovery
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2018, 10:50:46 pm »
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Hey applesauce! Sorry for the delay friend, but thought I'd give you a few comments:

- I feel like the opening paragraph/orientation is a little rushed. I'd like some more imagery, some more emotive reflection, introduce your character more properly so the audience can start to empathise with them!
- Further, make sure you are showing, not telling! Don't tell us that your character opened up to their friend Dylan, show us by their reactions and interactions. It should be clear without you saying it!
- Watch mechanics, a few places missing full stops and commas. Read your piece aloud, listen for where you pause and put a comma there. Where you take a breath, put a full stop.
- We're a little too event/plot driven here, there's a lot happening and you aren't giving each event time to sink in and be properly reflected on. It's very, "This happened then this happened." We need more reflection! What you do in the middle with pathetic fallacy, for example, is excellent.
- I feel like the concept of Discovery isn't really coming through in this piece - The realisation at the end feels quite manufactured and quite forced. I think part of this is that the story isn't really natural, you've sort of just created this exclusion and told the audience about it rather than give us specific examples and interactions that show it to us. As a result, your main character doesn't come across positively, as the reader I'm a bit more sympathetic to Dylan and Jason than anything because I feel like it is your character who has created the issue with them. Some more specific interactions of the two of them ignoring the main character would help.


I think there's potential here! But you need to focus on show not tell, right now things are very plot driven and it's making it difficult to empathise with your character :)


Thank u so much!