I’m really struggling socially right now...

[Jinju-san]

Heyo guys!
I hope everyone has made a smooth transition into the 2021 year and that we are all enjoying it so far!
I had an issue that I have been struggling with for quite a while now… And I was hoping to get any advice from anyone who has dealt with any of these problems before as well…

I developed an eating disorder in year 9 as a result of being bullied by a senior student at my school (and I eventually ended up telling my teacher that this had happened, but when she asked me to tell the student’s name… I couldn’t muster up the will to tell her)...
So for the past year I have been struggling to maintain healthy relationships with my friends (who I have been friends with since year 9). And at the time when I first befriended these people, I REALLY appreciated them because they were all so funny and had a bubbly personality. I really loved them in the sense that they gave me physical strength and energy (at the time, I would often fall down walking, lose sight for minutes while studying and experience transient ischemic attacks but never told anyone because I didn’t want them to worry over me)… During this time, I got two guinea pigs and they really helped me with my recovery.

In Year 10, I took up a casual job at Maccas, walked the Kokoda track, and did work experience. About halfway through the year, one of my guinea pigs became ill and passed away, and I think that after that I just disintegrated under the stress of work+school… I started skipping days on end because I couldn’t get myself out of bed… then I started talking to a counsellor over the phone.
 Last year (year 11), I became really stressed out as a result of remote learning and being stuck at home all the time… I broke down in front of my English teacher at the beginning of the year and told her that I was being affected by the extremely negative atmosphere that my friends had created… She was really considerate about it and promised to help me out with all of my assessments until I was in a better headspace… And from then on I made the decision to confront my friends about the atmosphere they had created.

By the end of the year when exams came around (I did Biology and Further), I was too focused on prepping for them to even think about talking to my friends. And I should mention that by this time, most of my teachers had realised that I was struggling… During two of the practise trial exams that we did at school, my teacher came up to me and asked me if I was feeling okay. And during another class, I heard him talking to another teacher and specifically saying, ‘[My name] is struggling, its obvious.’

Just to clarify, my friends are NOT toxic… They would never say anything they know is rude, impolite or inconsiderate towards me. I think the problem is that they often think way too negatively about school.. They make repetitive (and now regular) jokes saying ‘I want to die’, ‘I want to throw myself into a bin.’ ’Screw this school.’
I have come into year 12 wanting to do the best that I can… but I honestly feel like I won’t get anywhere if I keep hanging around with them.
They often rely on their hatred for school as a way of connecting with each other… I think for them its okay, but for me…having been struggling with the stress of an eating disorder whilst trying to do my best in my studies, it has been impacting my self-esteem negatively and I’m terrified of telling them about it.

Right now, I think its best for me to go see the school counsellor (she is a lovely person, I’m just really socially anxious and it takes courage for me to do something like that).


Having been on here for a while now and seeing all of the lovely people on here, I was hoping to get advice from anyone who has dealt with anything like this… I’m still wondering if the way I feel is all in my head or if I’m just exaggerating? I dunno..

Thanks! (P.S. Sorry for making it so long!)

[K888]

Hey there

Sounds like you've been through a lot over the past few years! I think your insight into this issue is really good. I also think it's an awesome move to chat to the school counsellor and get their help. An alternative avenue is to see your GP and get a mental health plan and see a mental health professional through that. But I reckon you might as well start with the counsellor and that they'll have some good insights into this.

In regards to friends, they don't have to be outright mean to you for it to be a toxic relationship or a non-beneficial relationship, and don't feel like you need to stay with that friendship group because they haven't done something properly mean to you. It's really natural for friendship groups to drift apart and for people to realise they're not super compatible as they learn more about themselves.

I think it's really important to surround yourself with people who make you feel happy and don't make you feel weighed down or like you need to project a different persona to fit in.
From what you've written it sounds like you have a bit of a fundamentally different view on some things to these people and that maybe you're not the best fit for each other. I think ultimately, a friendship should never make you feel like you can't speak your mind and it shouldn't be detrimental to your health and wellbeing (mental and physical).

I haven't been in the exact same situation, but have certainly experienced drifting apart from friendship groups and dealing with mental health issues - my PMs are always open if you need to chat, I'm happy to listen Just also wanted to say that the AN community is here for you, and I hope things go well for you <3

[Owlbird83]

Hi Jinju-san!

It's really nice you feel comfortable sharing this here.
I don't think you are exaggerating or that's it's in your head, you are allowed to feel how you feel about your situation! (I sound very generic) but your feelings are valid.

Talking to the school counsellor sounds like a really good idea. Have you been to see a gp?edit:beaten by k888

Are there any acquaintances/friends/almostfriends in your classes outside your friendship group who have a mindset that aligns more with you about school that you could talk to or study with?

Could you perhaps suggest times to hang out with your friendship group where you decide as a group to not talk about VCE/school for that afternoon?

Sorry i don't know how helpful this is. I hope you can meet with the school councillor and that it gets easier  <3

[Jinju-san]

Hey there

Sounds like you've been through a lot over the past few years! I think your insight into this issue is really good. I also think it's an awesome move to chat to the school counsellor and get their help. An alternative avenue is to see your GP and get a mental health plan and see a mental health professional through that. But I reckon you might as well start with the counsellor and that they'll have some good insights into this.

In regards to friends, they don't have to be outright mean to you for it to be a toxic relationship or a non-beneficial relationship, and don't feel like you need to stay with that friendship group because they haven't done something properly mean to you. It's really natural for friendship groups to drift apart and for people to realise they're not super compatible as they learn more about themselves.

I think it's really important to surround yourself with people who make you feel happy and don't make you feel weighed down or like you need to project a different persona to fit in.
From what you've written it sounds like you have a bit of a fundamentally different view on some things to these people and that maybe you're not the best fit for each other. I think ultimately, a friendship should never make you feel like you can't speak your mind and it shouldn't be detrimental to your health and wellbeing (mental and physical).

I haven't been in the exact same situation, but have certainly experienced drifting apart from friendship groups and dealing with mental health issues - my PMs are always open if you need to chat, I'm happy to listen Just also wanted to say that the AN community is here for you, and I hope things go well for you <3

Thank you so much K888! I really appreciate the friendly community here on AN! What your saying definitely makes a lot more sense to me now (sorry, I wrote the last post feeling a bit emotional), and I will definitely be paying our school counsellor a visit next week..

Hi Jinju-san!

It's really nice you feel comfortable sharing this here.
I don't think you are exaggerating or that's it's in your head, you are allowed to feel how you feel about your situation! (I sound very generic) but your feelings are valid.

Talking to the school counsellor sounds like a really good idea. Have you been to see a gp?edit:beaten by k888

Are there any acquaintances/friends/almostfriends in your classes outside your friendship group who have a mindset that aligns more with you about school that you could talk to or study with?

Could you perhaps suggest times to hang out with your friendship group where you decide as a group to not talk about VCE/school for that afternoon?

Sorry i don't know how helpful this is. I hope you can meet with the school councillor and that it gets easier  <3

Thank you so much Owlbird83
I will definitely take your advice to heart and see the school counsellor next week and see what happens from there..
I did visit the gp in year 9 and got a mental health plan created for me, which mainly involved me visiting a psychologist…
There are a few very friendly people in my class who seem very nice, I may try to ask them if I can study or talk with them.

Unfortunately, I don’t believe my friends will be able to avoid conversations about vce or school… I think they are (like me) very stressed and the negativity has become just a part of the way they have conversations…And I think having a lot of negativity is neither healthy nor beneficial to either of us.

I will try to address this with them sometime this term, but for now I think I’d rather just talk to my school counsellor for a bit and see how I feel after that.

Thank you so much for your valuable words of comfort!
I will try to update you guys on what happens soon! <3

[hel256]

I can really empathise with your situation - in year 11 I was also diagnosed with an eating disorder and missed pretty much a whole term of school because of it. While I can't say that my friends spoke as negatively about school as yours, often I would feel uncomfortable hearing some of them talking about dieting and exercise.
In hindsight, I wish that I had told them about my discomfort (at least the ones that I think would be the most understanding) and sought out other friends beyond my friendship group to confide in.
If you feel there are friends within your group who would take your feelings into consideration and modify their behaviour accordingly, I would encourage you to speak honestly to them. If you don't feel that this would make any difference, then I think it would be best to move on.
If you find speaking to a psychologist/counsellor helpful then I think it could be beneficial to have a chat. Personally I could never bring myself to divulge my deepest insecurities to the adults around me but if you feel comfortable in doing so, it could be a huge stress-reliever in what is already an incredibly pressuring year.
What you've achieved both in and out of school following your diagnosis is truly incredible and I have deep respect for you. At this point I think the most important thing is speaking to someone, no matter if it is a professional or a friend, because trying to hold in your feelings will only add to your stress. Even though it may feel awkward at first, I'm sure that in the future you'll be glad to have reached out, for the greater peace of mind it will bring.
If you start speaking to someone and decide that they aren't providing the type of support you need, then speak to someone else. It's okay not to feel comfortable talking to certain psychologists or counsellors, if they don't offer the assurance you need.
I hope I could be somewhat helpful here, and feel free to reach out if you need anything at all 

[Jinju-san]

I can really empathise with your situation - in year 11 I was also diagnosed with an eating disorder and missed pretty much a whole term of school because of it. While I can't say that my friends spoke as negatively about school as yours, often I would feel uncomfortable hearing some of them talking about dieting and exercise.
In hindsight, I wish that I had told them about my discomfort (at least the ones that I think would be the most understanding) and sought out other friends beyond my friendship group to confide in.
If you feel there are friends within your group who would take your feelings into consideration and modify their behaviour accordingly, I would encourage you to speak honestly to them. If you don't feel that this would make any difference, then I think it would be best to move on.
If you find speaking to a psychologist/counsellor helpful then I think it could be beneficial to have a chat. Personally I could never bring myself to divulge my deepest insecurities to the adults around me but if you feel comfortable in doing so, it could be a huge stress-reliever in what is already an incredibly pressuring year.
What you've achieved both in and out of school following your diagnosis is truly incredible and I have deep respect for you. At this point I think the most important thing is speaking to someone, no matter if it is a professional or a friend, because trying to hold in your feelings will only add to your stress. Even though it may feel awkward at first, I'm sure that in the future you'll be glad to have reached out, for the greater peace of mind it will bring.
If you start speaking to someone and decide that they aren't providing the type of support you need, then speak to someone else. It's okay not to feel comfortable talking to certain psychologists or counsellors, if they don't offer the assurance you need.
I hope I could be somewhat helpful here, and feel free to reach out if you need anything at all 

Thank you so much hel256!
It makes me feel a lot better knowing that others have gone through similar experiences to me. I think there are a couple of friends of mine that I do get along with really well and are willing to hear my thoughts about this. I will try my best to address this issue to some of them soon!

I think that I’m often too afraid to say what I think to those in my friendship group because I’m afraid of being ignored or not taken seriously. But even after having talked about this with you guys, I have been feeling a lot better about it and I feel a lot more comfortable with approaching them about it and seeing the school counsellor.

I will try my best, and update you guys on what happens.
Thank you!

[Jinju-san]

Hey guys!

So I figured I would follow up with a post explaining how things have gone since last time..

So at the start of this week, I approached two of my friends and told them about how I was feeling. They were very considerate and told me that they also felt the same way about our friendship circle.. So we’ve been trying to spend a little bit more time away from them recently and have told them we would like some private time. I am hoping that I will be able to discuss these issues with the rest of my friends..

I also went and visited the school counsellor for the first time today. She was very kind and considerate of the way I was feeling and told me that it was completely normal to feel that way.. And I’ll admit, I started tearing up at times because it was very emotionally exhausting for me to be revealing some of these to someone.. I had kept them a secret for a very long time. But, my counsellor was very kind and assured me that it was okay to feel that way..

Right now, I feel a lot better about having chosen to talk to someone, but I’m just hoping that in the coming weeks, I’ll be able to commit to my studies and look after myself..
I have agreed to visit her over the next few weeks, and I’ll see what happens from there..

[PhoenixxFire]

That's really great to hear, I'm glad things seem to be improving for you.