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October 04, 2023, 09:08:26 pm

Author Topic: Need help: its due tomorrow and I'm around 200 words over the word limit  (Read 691 times)

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jinx_58

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Hellooo

My IA3 for Ancient is due tomorrow and if someone could help me cut down on words in the following paragraph, it would be greatly appreciated:

Context: its on the breakdown of the Roman Republic, and I'm saying Julius Caesar had the greatest impact. Only one paragraph is given below as this is by far the largest one that I seriously need to cut down on.

Julius Caesar had the greatest impact on the breakdown of the Republic through his acquisition of power through the first Triumvirate, his Gallic armies, and his political standing. The First Triumvirate, on alliance between Pompey, Crassus, and Caesar was created so the three individuals could obtain more power. Plutarch asserted that, once Crassus and Pompey were elected, they secured, “commands of provinces and armies,” for Caesar, (Plutarch, 100CE). This source showed that through this alliance, Caesar gained governorship over the Gallic tribes which helped him gain an army and wealth. The loyalty of the soldiers toward Caesar was mentioned by Plutarch who stated that the soldiers became “…ready to confront any danger, once it was a question of fighting for Caesar's honor and glory,” which showed that the soldiers were loyal to Caesar, not the senate (Plutarch, 100CE).  Gelzer further elaborated on his ability to breakdown the republic through his army, as he gained, “absolute loyalty” from his soldiers, who “could be fully relied upon to carry out his political instructions," (Gelzer, 1968). This showed that Caesar used his soldiers as an instrument to carry out his desires. Suetonius, who wrote 165 years after Caesar, supported both authors as he wrote that Caesar, “…reduced to the form of a province the whole of Gaul …exacted an annual tribute of 400,000 gold pieces,” and this depicted how Caesar was able to attain power because of an army (Suetonius, 121CE). Plutarch was a Roman biographer, who aimed to create moral teachings throughout his biographies. Whilst this limited his reliability, he was highly beneficial to understand the impact Julius Caesar had on the breakdown of the Roman Republic because of his control of armies. He gained reliability, because he was corroborated by Suetonius and Gelzer, an expert on the Roman Republic. Gelzer had access to a plethora of sources and the benefit of hindsight, which increased his reliability as he aimed to create a balanced recreation of Julius Caesar’s impact on Rome. Suetonius was mostly reliable as he was a biographer and secretary to Emperor Hadrian who had accessed archives that other historians could not. He was highly beneficial as he showed how Caesar gained control of the Gallic armies to gain power.  These historians showed that Caesar had complete control over his army in Gaul, which gave him the wealth and manpower to destroy the republic. The Denarius which depicted Caesar (Appendix 1) was another example of Caesar’s achievement of too much political power, which went against the composition of the Republic. The coin’s inscription translated to, “Caesar, dictator for life”. This showed that he had total control over Rome, which broke down the Republic because power was supposed to be shared by many. Ancient Rome specialist Smith corroborated the coin as he asserted that Caesar had “absolute power,” which left the senate powerless, to Caesar’s will (Smith, 1957). Moreover, he had broken the rules of the republic, as one could only assume dictator for 6 months, for emergency purposes, and Caesar had become dictator for life. This showed that Caesar contributed to the breakdown of the republic because an individual had gained complete control over Rome, as opposed to the power being divided amongst multiple people. The Roman silver denarius, an ancient primary source, also depicted Venus holding victory in her hand, which implied that Caesar was the reason behind the peace, and prosperity of Rome. This implied that the Romans really admired Caesar, which showed he had gained power through popularity. However, this coin has limited reliability, as it was propaganda created to honour Caesar, by the minter Sepullius Macer. Despite this major limitation, the denarius was highly useful as it showed the extent of Caesar’s power and his attainment of dictatorship. The reliability of this coin was increased as it was corroborated by Smith, an expert modern historian with access to a plethora of sources and professor of Roman history at the University of St Andrews. Therefore, Julius Caesar had the greatest impact on the fall of the Roman Republic because he obtained loyal armies, utilised political alliances and attained dictatorship.
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AngelWings

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Note: I have never written a history essay before but I can help with cutting down words. If your primary goal is brevity, I’d suggest having a look at your syntax and shift some of the words around. I’ve given some quick suggestions below (also, apologies in advance, I’m on phone, so formatting might go down the drain), but please comb the rest of the paragraph/ essay in the same manner.

Julius Caesar had the greatest impact on the Republic’s breakdown of the Republic through his acquisition of power through the first Triumvirate, his Gallic armies, and his political standing.
“Through” is used twice on one sentence. Is there another way to rewrite the sentence to use it once?

The loyalty of the soldiers toward Caesar was mentioned by Plutarch who stated that the soldiers became “…ready to confront any danger, once it was a question of fighting for Caesar's honor and glory” (Plutarch, 100CE), which showed that the soldiers were loyal to Caesar, not the senate (Plutarch, 100CE).
When you quote, usually you’d state the source directly after.

Gelzer further elaborated on his (Did you mean Cesar’s? A bit ambiguous.) ability to breakdown the republic through his army, as he gained, “absolute loyalty” from his soldiers, who “could be fully relied upon to carry out his political instructions" (Gelzer, 1968).

He gained reliability, because he was corroborated by Suetonius and Gelzer, an expert on the Roman Republic a Roman republic expert.
See how this final edit doesn’t change the meaning but is just a word switch? It’ll help to cut down your word count slightly. Just be cautious where you do it.

  The Denarius which depicted Caesar (Appendix 1) was another example of Caesar’s achievement of too much try a synonym here e.g. excessive, perhaps? political power, which went against the composition of the Republic. The coin’s inscription translated to, “Caesar, dictator for life”. This showed that he had total control over Rome, which broke down the Republic because power was supposed to be shared by many. Ancient Rome specialist Smith corroborated the coin as he asserted that Caesar had “absolute power,” which left the senate powerless, to Caesar’s will (Smith, 1957). Moreover, he had broken the republic’s rules of the republic, as one could only assume dictator for 6 months, for emergency purposes, and Caesar had become dictator for life.

Hope that helps!
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jinx_58

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Thank you!!

Although I've already submitted it (still 41 words over, but better than 200), I appreciate the help, and I will keep this for future reference!

Thanks again!
 -jinx_58
Class of 2022!
Currently doing Unit 4: QCE
Physics || Chemistry ||Methods || General English || Ancient History || Religion & Ethics
My Year 12 QCE Journal!