Hi!when i get the exam i got the creative topic which (it was an image) was about a girl sitting in her room and looking out the window and the prompt was "What happens next?"
I'm doing the the MHS selective exam next year and I want to start preparing now so I have a better chance of getting in.
The areas I wanted to focus on is writing so I've decided I would like to write an essay every day alternating from analytical to creative. Any suggestions for possible topics would be greatly appreciated.
I will post the essays I write here and any constructive criticism ;) would be heavily appreciated.
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when i get the exam i got the creative topic which (it was an image) was about a girl sitting in her room and looking out the window and the prompt was "What happens next?"
The analytical one was about "Should spectators be allowed in sporting matches despite the chaos they make?"
hope this helps
if you have any other questions "PM" me.
"Should spectators be allowed in sporting matches despite the chaos they make?"which should suggest to you that the examiner is looks for your opinion as well as one paragraph which describes that why do spectators make chaos on sporting fields?
In your analytical piece, you have done well, but remember to include at least one paragraph that is opposite to your desired opinion. For e.g. in this prompt is states that "which should suggest to you that the examiner is looks for your opinion as well as one paragraph which describes that why do spectators make chaos on sporting fields?
That's what i have learned.
Otherwise it was good and i tell you now you will have better chances than anyone to get into MHS if you continue to write essays like these and in the given 15 minutes. Don't freak out in the exam if you don't finish your essay just remember that over half of the 1000 people doing the exam will not finish their essays.
Hey Guys! ;D
Finished my creative writing!
Time taken was about 16 minutes.
The prompt was taken from this site
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures
My plot wasn't the best and I added the small twist at the end, but I don't know if it is appropriate or will be considered as a cliché. :-X
I'm not sure but I think I made a mistake with the tenses. Can anybody verify that??? ::)
Well Here it is, hope you like it, this is what I actually wrote in 16 mins without modifications, although it was really hard to resist changing some obvious errors. XD
And as always, helpful suggestions are always welcome :-*
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SNAP! A gigantic crocodile emerged from the murky water, making an attempt to chomp at my legs. RAWR! The magnificent beast striked again, barely missing my defenceless body. Shocked with fear and panic, I made a reach for something to throw.
Nothing, nothing, yes, an orange. I jumped up and just as the crocodile attacked again, hurled the orange with all my might. Plop! A remorseful splash could be heard from the lake. I had completely missed! Or rather the creature had dodged it swiftly. There was a deadly silence that polluted the atmosphere with a dreadful feeling. I sidled over to the back of my wooded boat and planned my next move.
My lungs were burning and my head was flying faster than I could ever imagine. BOOM! The crocodile sprang from the water with a newsworthy leap right onto my shabby boat. Screaming with terror. I made a hail marry dash at the creatures eyes punching the left eye with all my might. The first thing I felt was pain, pure agony. The sensation left pain that killed me more than my car accident.
I suddenly realised my hand was still engulfed in the creature's eyelid. Shrieking with fear. I removed my had slowly.
The scent of blood from both parties was inevitably apparent as I viewed the damage I had caused. The beast was paralysed. as still as a statue. The crocodile fell over melodramatically back into the water. PLOOSH! The sound produced was oddly resonating. I stood up and adopting a theatrical pose, bowed down to the sky.
"Tom!" a familiar voice shouted, "Stop playing games and finish your homework."
I sighed deeply as I took off my headset and came to my senses in the real world. Guess I'll have to leave hunting until next time.
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THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING :-*
Wow. You're, like, 1000090290x better than I was with creative writing a year ago. :) Keep doing this everyday until your exams and you'll smash it!
You have some good vocab here. :D Just make sure you're using them in the appropriate context though. ["A remorseful splash".] "Remorseful" doesn't seem like the right word to use. What are you trying to describe?
Your description is super, super awesome. I could imagine it all in my head. :D Keep it up!
As for your ending, it's a bit anticlimactic. Really similar to the "it was all a dream" conclusion. You haven't explored the POV character's emotions much in that last paragraph, so maybe instead try describing how he felt when he won?
This is really good for a 15 minute essay! Don't worry if your mind blanks out while you write! It happens. ;D Nothing wrong with your tense btw.
Just wondering, are you in year 7 or 8?
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Uniforms have been the tradition for countless schools. However, the occasional school, may foolishly allow casual clothing. School uniforms should definitely be compulsory because they create a better learning environment, reduces bullying and lowers the chance of a potentially dangerous practical joke. Therefore, I stronglyunambiguouslybelieve that school uniforms should be made compulsory.
To start off, a school where students wear school uniformmakescreates a more formal environment to learn infor students. Uniforms generate a feeling of formality, emphasising thepointobjective of school, to become educated. School uniforms will improve the students learning potential.
In addition, school uniforms will reduce stress on the students. Teenagers, especially girls, care a lot about how they look compared to others. Some parents might bericherwealthierthan other students causing pressure on students to follow the expensive trends. Uniforms will effectively remove all possibilities of such peer pressure from surfacing.
Always use wealthier instead of richer
Ultimately, school uniforms can be used for identification. In our society, some students take education for granted and may exploit free dress in possible pranks. If such an event occurs, it will prevent students from focusing on their school work. School uniforms will kill the possibility of dangerous pranks.
School uniforms should be compulsory because they create a better learning place, reduces stress on students and lowers the amount of pranks. School uniforms should undoubtedly not (Maybe don't use a double negative)be allowed in schools.
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Hopefully that's alright. It's a really good essay and more than enough to get into MHS I reckon.
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I stared at the heated mess as I shook my head in disbelief. What kind of bizarre circumstance wouldleadconvince a maninto sinkinghis car at the bottom of a lake?
[Line break]
I began tying some knots on the unusually new ute. It was a current model and I imagined that it would have cost the owner a pretty penny. When I finished securing the ropes,andI sat down nonchalantly for a well deserved rest.
[There appears to be a contradiction here. :P Didn't he shake his head in disbelief before? Sitting down nonchalantly probably means that seeing half-sunken cars is the norm for him. Eh, that's what I thought while reading. :)]
[Line break]
The sky was crystal blue, with puffy white clouds scattered across it. The sun was slowly waking up from it's groggy sleep, its rays of warmth pecking at me gently. It was a seemingly perfect day, except there was something strangely wrong about it. Or maybe it was just my imagination. I shrugged off mydreams,thoughts and continued with my job.
OOOMPH! I managed to shift the luxurious ute by a few inches. After an hour of hard work, I observed the automobile with gratitude. There seemed to be something oddly peculiar about it. The ute was strangely familiar yet almost surreal. I approached the vehicle and reached for the handle.
"STOP!"Aa voice shouted urgently,. I swiftly spun around, only to find that the voice had come from my own head. [/b] There I stayed, staring at the car inquisitively.
[I know this is a 15 minute essay :P But shouldn't he be at least spooked or something? Or make an excuse that he was tired? Hearing voices and thoughts that aren't his should freak him out. I dunno, that's just my opinion~]
Finally, curiosity got the better of me and I busted the door open with an almighty kick. "YAAH!" I screamed, full of energy and the burning desire to learn the secrets of the car.
I performed an all out search, looking at every nook and cranny. I was so consumed by determination, that I didn't notice all the people passing by glancing at me oddly. When I had given up, I climbed back out slowly,. There was absolutely nothing. It was just a completely normal ute. Sighing, I sat back down downheartedly. Part of me was relieved, yet part of me was angry that there was no monumental discoveries in the car.
Then I realised, life doesn't revolve around fame deprived from luck, it consists of simple things with achievements one considers to have gained.
Perhaps that was the secret the car had so carefully guarded.
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If advice comes to mind while reading, feel welcome to post them ;)
Possible suggestions include stronger adjectives/verbs in replacement of the ones I've written on the essay.
Or if you just want to read a 15 minute essay with lots of effort put into it. ;D
A small question, does the story have to follow the picture prompt completely, like if there is a ferry in the background signalling people, can the scene be bleaked?
And is bleaked a word? :D
And how much should the word count be, I've been approximately getting around 300 words per essay. Somebody said on AN that you need 600 in 15 minutes and I was shocked.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Things to improve on.
Try to start off with a really strong topic sentence that opens with your point of viewThe topic on college athletes receiving payment is an ongoing debate both in the local schoolyard and in respectable courts.Paying athletes for playin will develop a sense of responsibility, give more motivation and eases the undeniable stress on parents. For these reasons college athletes should unequivocally be paid for playing.
To start off, strapping a wage to their playing plants the seed of responsibility in a young adult. To be paid for hitting the field, college students will have to follow strict schedules. This will force them to become more responsible, leading to a better life. I know this is only a 15 min task but try to use T.E.E.L. Where is your linking sentence?
In addition, being paid for playing will boost the college athlete's feeling of significance for their sport. They will then strive to be the very best and will therefore perform at their optimum, increasing their chances for a career in sports.Once again linking sentence.
Ultimately, having a wage for college athletes will decrease the load for the parents. Maintaining a good status as a college athlete consumes mountains of time and dedication leaving little to no space for jobs to support themselves. Therefore, many college students rely on their parents for the roof over their head.
For the last body paragraph try to include a rebuttal paragraph. The rebuttal includes a view from the opposing argument which you then relay back with a counter argument of your point of view.
In conclusion try to avoid "In conclusion" at the start of your conclusion because it is a bit generic and it makes your writing sound simplistic., paying college athletes for playing will dramatically increase their motivation, lower the economical stress for parents and build up responsibility in the student.Good job with rewording your points in your conclusion Paying college athletes to play is a no brainer With a formal persuasive text try not to change the tone and should be put to action immediately by the government.
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Huh... I don't know how this quoting thing works...
My own MHS/MacRobs exam is coming up in a week, and honestly, I think you write better than half the people I know in year 8 applying for MHS. :)
Quality over quantity. :)
The word count doesn't really matter in my opinion. Mostly, I write around 400 words for a creative essay. If I'm lucky and the prompt I get is good, then I usually hit 550. My tutor complained that my handwriting was too messy, though.
It's really up to you to interpret the prompt. The picture doesn't dictate your story. It's your job to carve a meaning out of it and put it down on paper. :) If you think the ferry in the background could play a part in your story and possibly make your essay stand out, then include it!
Why don't you take a shot at a sentence prompt, or a four-picture one? :D
I would try to give you feedback on your analytical essays, but afgaskfjghjsk I hate persuasive/debates.
Things to improve on.
T.E.E.LThe introduction needs to start off really strong it is the make or break of informative essays.
- T. topic sentence
- E. evidence/explanation/example
- E. evidence/explanation/example
- L. linking sentence
I only picked up on a few things and hopefully it will be helpful!
Thanks,
TheCappelienGuy
Hi everybody 8)
Here is today's persuasive text.
I wrote it in 15 minutes and 30 seconds. :o
The prompt was:
Should the elderly receive free bus rides?
If anything, I believe it was mediocre but I can definitely state that I've improved from when I first started. I owe this to the constant reviews and revisions that you convivial peeps have provided. Thank you guys so much ;D
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In our modern society, our buses play an important role in people's life. Buses establish a way of speedy, inexpensive and environmentally friendly way of getting around [If I were you, I'd save this for my body paragraph and say something more simple, like "buses are known for their convenience, blahblahblah,"]. The issue is whether the elderly will assist in financially supporting them, gives access to live life to the fullest and will not cost the government a pretty penny. I unequivocally [try stating your contention without using these two words. "Unequivocally" sounds a little odd. I think it'd be better to use it in your conclusion when you wrap everything up] believe that the elderly should receive free bus rides.
To start off, elderly people cannot support themselves. As people age, they are less wanted for jobs and cannot be as efficient compared to our youthful population. Entrenching free bus rides for the elderly will relieve them of some financial stress. Providing free bus trips for the elderly will benefit them greatly.
In addition, free bus rides will encourage old people to travel more in their final years. When one is old, many desire to see or do things they always wished to accomplish. There are many places one can access with bus service. Making bus rides free to the elderly will help them achieve a satisfying life.
A popular rebuttal is that making bus trips free for the elderly will be unfair to the general public. However, this argument is mediocre at best, and flimsy at worst when we consider how little elderly people use buses and how minute the elderly population is. [Oh, great. You shot the argument down. :D]
Providing free of charge bus service to the ageing population will doubtlessly/unequivocally? aid in financial stabilising them, let them do what they've always wanted to and will not be unfair to the public.
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Hi everybody 8)
Here is today's persuasive text.
I wrote it in 15 minutes and 30 seconds. :o
The prompt was:
Should the elderly receive free bus rides?
If anything, I believe it was mediocre but I can definitely state that I've improved from when I first started. I owe this to the constant reviews and revisions that you convivial peeps have provided. Thank you guys so much ;D
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In our modern society,ourbuses play an important role in people's life. Buses establish a way of speedy, inexpensive and environmentally friendly way of getting aroundawkward sentence. Perhaps reword it to: buses are a speedy, inexpensive and environmentally-way of travelling. (note: getting around is too colloquial). The issue of whether the elderly will assist in financially supporting themthis sentence makes no sense, gives access to live life to the fullest and will not cost the government a pretty pennyI don't understand this sentence. I unequivocally believe that the elderly should receive free bus rides.
To start off, elderly people cannot support themselves. As people age, they are less wanted for jobs and cannot be as efficient compared to our youthful population.Entrenchingentrenching not the right word here - go for something simple if you are unsure what a word means: replace with providing?free bus rides for the elderly will relieve them of some financial stress. Providing free bus trips for the elderly will benefit them greatly.This sentence sounds contradictory - you just said it relieves them of some stress, but it would benefit them greatly? Note the difference between "some" and "greatly"
In addition, free bus rides will encourage old people to travel more in their final years. When one is old,manythey may (Note: you just referred to "one" and subsequently referring to "many" is not rightdesire to see or do things they havealways wished to accomplish. There are many places one can access with bus service. Making bus rides free to the elderly will help them achieve a satisfying life.
A popular rebuttal is that making bus trips free for the elderly will be unfair to the general public. However, this argument is mediocre at best, and flimsy at worst try not to throw around adjectives for no reason - be specific.when we consider how little elderly people use buses and how minute not sure if minute is the right word the elderly population is.
Providing free of charge bus service to theageing populationelderlywill aid in financial stabilising them, let them do what they've always wanted ??to and will not be unfair to the public.
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Not sure about your school, but I've been taught to write formal essays in third person. I think my tutor told me to throw my books out of the window once when he found an "I" in my persuasive text?? oops
Anyway, woo. Great essay. My only concern is having a rebuttal paragraph in place of a body paragraph. I mean... all my teachers are like "you should have THREE *emphasise* body paragraphs". But I don't really know which one the examiners prefer, sooo~
I think this piece (and your previous pieces) are average in standard. You write better creatively rather than persuasively, but overall: solid effort!
Things to note:
1. Try not to slip in a big word unless you are sure what it means. Although vocab is something they test, if you use a word incorrectly, your whole essay might not sound as good.
2. Try to be more specific in what you mean - that is, try to explain why an argument is flimsy in greater detail.
Hi everybody!
Finished with today's narrative. I think I did better than normal on this piece. ::)
I did this in 16 minutes, and the prompt was page 5 of this website.
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures
If anyone could help out biofreak, cause his in the same issue and I'm pretty sure his test is due sooner than mine 8)
Essays for nossal entry
So here it is, the clean and untouched version :D
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Spreading my loveable arms across the lush greenery, I thought about how spectacular the day was. It had a dazzling summer, full of sausages and runs to the park. The sun seemed to be constantly shooting [Do you have a less violent word? You're describing the rays as 'gentle', so I don't think 'shooting' would be an appropriate word] down it's gentle rays of warmth, while there had been no sign of the puffy white dogs in the air, signifying a day without rain. Today provided no exception, I stoop up after my deep contemplation smelling the enchanting flowers in my owner's backyard. I laid back down, lackadaisically on an old tree, feeling the antediluvian bark. The summer air had a distinct taste, it was a humid smell, bringing elation and energy to anyone that smelt it. Several large hot dogs perched themselves on the fence, The orange on moved out of the blue, startled I growled a warning to the suspicious fellows.
Everything was perfect, except I was hungry, I realised. I swivelled my head around back and forth in the hopes of finding some food. Aha! There it was, my next victim. It was a black and white dog, standing on his heels, carrying a hotdog. I gave a dubious growl at this peculiar dog. Then, without much thought, I spread out my paws and ran towards him. Woof! I yelled and triedyto mimick what he was doing. I crouched low and sprang up in front of the startled dog who had dropped his bone. I snatched it with all my might and ran back to the tree. The dog was obviously scared, I thought as I took a well deserved gnaw at the bone and watched him run away like a lion was on his trail.
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Hi everybody!
Finished with today's narrative. I think I did better than normal on this piece. ::)
I did this in 16 minutes, and the prompt was page 5 of this website.
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures
If anyone could help out biofreak, cause his in the same issue and I'm pretty sure his test is due sooner than mine 8)
Essays for nossal entry
So here it is, the clean and untouched version :D
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Spreading myloveablearms across the lush greenery, I thought about how spectacular the day was. Ithadwas a dazzling Try to find a synonym for this. Blinding? Gleaming? summer, full of sausages and runs to the park. The sunseemed to be constantly shooting downshone; it's gentle rays of warmth Add something more. (e.g. 'beating against my skin'),whilethere had been no sign of the puffy white dogs in the air Good. I like this.,signifyingIt wasa day without rain. This sentence isn't too necessary. You've already described it as a summer's day that there is no need to say it was a 'day without rain'.Today provided no exception,IstoopDoes not make sense if you're writing from a dog's perspective.upaftermy deep contemplationsmelling the enchanting flowers in my owner's backyard. Re-write this sentence. I laid back down,lackadaisicallycarelessly on an old tree, feeling theantediluvianFind a new word.bark.The summer air had a distinct taste, Show, don't tell it was a humid smell, bringing elation and energy to anyone that smelt it. Good Several large hot dogs perched themselves on the fence,The orange on moved out of the blue, doesn't make sense. startled I growled a warning to the suspicious fellows.
Everything was perfect, except I was hungry,I realisedShow, don't tell. (e.g. your stomach growls. Iswivelled'turn' is fine.my head around back and forth in the hopes of finding some food. Aha! There it was, my next victim. It was a black and white dog, standing on his heels, carrying a hotdog. I gave a dubious growl at this peculiar dog. Then, without much thought, I spread out my paws and ran towards him. Woof! Iyelledbarked? and triedyto mimikc 'imitate' might work better.what he was doing. 'his actions' - What is he doing? I crouched low and sprang up in front of the startled dog who had dropped his boneBe consistent. Above you mention him 'carrying a hotdog'. I snatched it with all my might and ran back to the tree.The dog was obviously scaredShow this., I thought as I took a well deserved gnaw at the bone and watched him run away like a lion was on his trail Perhaps describe this differently..
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Remember to use quotation marks when someone is talking. Or barking. :)
You could also split the paragraphs into smaller ones.
Overall, I agree. This is definitely one of your better pieces. Could use a bit more creativity/originality though.
Good piece, relevant to the prompt. I like it. There are some details that don't aid in the progression of your story though. Keep this in mind. Every word counts when you're writing with such a limited word count. Some minor grammatical issues - make sure you allocate time to proofread. There is little use of literary techniques - work on this. Take a look at this website http://literarydevices.net/#gti_S and make note to include some devices. This will really develop your writing making for an overall stronger piece. Another very important thing to remember is show, don't tell and be consistent! :)
Hi!
Sorry, I didn't post yesterday, the internet was down. :(
Anyways, I recall that I wrote this in 15 minutes and the prompt was
Should all American citizens have to complete a year of community service?
No one has viewed my last two essays or at least put down feedback.
If anyone could write a small message even just
"Keep up the good work!"
It gives me enough motivation to do this.
I truly understand now that the test is officially over for this year, no one really cares,. ;D If that's the case for you, if you read it, yay. Enjoy it, and bookmark it. ;D
Anyway, here it is.
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60% of Americans have admitted to not participating in any sort of community service, an alarming study shows. The topic of whether American citizens have to complete a year of community service has evolved from a small idea to possible reality. The main points for this topic are that they will develop life skills and become more environmentally aware. I undoubtedly believe that all American citizens have to complete a year of community service due to the convincing benefits.
When one matures, he or she will spend at least half the time doing household chores. In our society, most if not all parents do the enormity of the chores, leaving the child unprepared for adulthood. Enforcing one year of community service will make American citizens more life smart.
Community service will develop environmentally aware citizens. Along with the obvious benefits of helping the community, the citizens will also understand the world they live on more and understand the problems. Therefore, more citizens may chose to support the environment later such as donating to a charity or becoming a specialist in the field.
While some may say that missing out on one year of education will produce less academically inclined students, the truth is that citizens will learn significantly more from their community service than hitting the books. A person has to learn these valuable life skills eventually so why not do it when they are at their prime?
American citizens should complete a year of community service. It will teach citizens the ins and outs of life, make them understand our world better and they will not be academically disadvantaged contrary to popular belief. All american citizens should unequivocally complete a year of community service.
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Hey buddy
Just wanna let you know that the creative writing stuff was very easy this year, think your good to go with those
You really should study for maths and numerical reasoning though, those were pure BS today
Gondonsome year 10 maths and practice your numerical
Overall nice. Writing man, got some good vocabs, I'm just guessing the grammar mistakes are typos while typing, I don't think even 80% of people today at the exam wrote like this
I'll still be around on the website, so I might Come check some of your other pieces later
Cya
A few grammar and punctuation mistakes here and there. Sorry, my head is hurting from today's exam and I just... ;A; I'm a bit curious about that 60% thing. Is that based off on prior knowledge, or did you make it up on the spot?
Quoted off my English tutor:
- Research the "appeals" and stuff for rhetorical questions. :P It's a bit like guilt tripping.
- Look at the "common" words that you're using right now and search up synonyms for them. Just make sure you use them in the right context!
- Remember that this is a formal essay so avoid colloquial language. :)
Hi guys, ;D
I finished today's creative essay!
THANKS SO MUCH especially to COLORS and Dat1Guy for their consistency in marking and praise. ::)
But, once again danke sehr! For the other peeps that have helped, with my ambitious thread, 8)
If anything, the ending wasn't very good, in fact it was horrible. I had no idea what to write when I saw the prompt. :(
This was written in about 17 minutes
and the prompt was sourced from page 7 of this site:
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures
And also, all mistakes under the dotted line,(I'm 90% sure at least) are actual mistakes I've carelessly made when I wrote, to clear up on any confusions. ;D
I just realised this would be the perfect essay if the prompt was:
Every cloud has a silver lining
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I stared down at my tiny claws, weeping hopelessly. Why was I cursed with the white stick! Tears rolled down my neck and onto my feathery wings, making them salty and rough like freshly poured concrete. I swiveled my head so I could once again view the monstrosity that I had received.
I remember it all,. Memories of the brighter days flooded back to me. I recalled when I was flying around energetically as a small bird. I was chatting with my friends as we swooped from the air to the ground, feeling the wind brush gently around me. Darker memorieshit meresurfaced, a giant shoved a white stick inside my rear. I clenched my claws in sheer rage as I thought of the heartless creature.
I was the laughing stock of the other birds, and the constant pain followed me everywhere. A familiar voice chirped in the distance, "Hey, it's the weird bird."
[Don't know if they actually care, but always start a new line when a new speaker enters. Even if it's a sigh, or something.]
I sighed as I flew away from the bullies. My stomach growled,. I flew up to a friendlier ['friendly' would be better. "Friendly-looking..."] looking giant, hoping for food. The young human child laughed at me and wrapped his huge hands around my body. I screeched, trying to escape. The pain was excruciating, suddenly pop! I felt something strange, I looked behind me as I exclaimed ecstatically. I couldn't believe my eyes,. the stick was removed!
I soared into the air happily, chirping delightedly. The hand reachedfromtowards me again and fed me appetising crumbles of heavenly white bread. It was the first time I had eaten in weeks,. I laughed maliciously as I watched the others stare jealously.
After finishing the refreshing meal, I realised something, [don't think the comma is necessary here] as I looked upon the picturesque night sky.
[New paragraph for ~extra effect~?]
"You can can only see the stars at night," I muttered joyfully to myself. Every cloud really does have a silver lining.
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Hey pixelgraphicsful
Thanks for that Post, makes me feel better about myself
Honestly I didn't get up to question 30 of maths b4 I went guess mode so not confident, you should go check out the post exam feels thread to get an idea of everyone's experience
Once again nice piece you got there, I just realised that I spelt nowadays as nowdays so I kinda want commit seppuku
Good piece, good personification here and there English devices are important
Like I said, you can only get a superior, even if you got the highest score in the writing, they'll still lump you together with the top 11%
Btw u really should practice Maths, like really, learnt how to do everything in the practice exams but real exams took it up a notch
The past exams seems easier than this, as I haven't heard someone telling me about advanced quadratics being in there, only learnt basic as people suggested, took most of my time learning inequations and stuff.
Time management if important too, I never got near the 30 or 25 question marks at half time, didn't finish a single multiple choice one on time either
Best lucks to you next year my friend
Lots of adjectives not commonly used to in there, that's something I probably won't be able to do. Anytime soon, good job man
If you go to the exam and pull something like this, certain superior right there man
Please take Dat1Guy's advice about mathematics... ._. I flipped over to the last page and BOOM. A parabola question!! I was told that only basic quadatics factorising would be on the exam but lmao hahaha I mucked up. There was also heaps of surds. Don't even get me started on Numerical Reasoning.
If you haven't done so, do the practice exam on the site. :D Verbal and Reading had, like, 2 or so questions taken just out of the practice papers lol
Grammar mistakes :D Don't worry, I know for sure I had a few punctuation errors in my creative writing.
The behaviour of the bird seems a bit odd here. Would birds just randomly approach humans like that? Normally, they'd have to be lured in by, like, crumbs or something lOL.
We got a sentence prompt this year. I think it was "imagine if you could read people's thoughts". So yeahh, take a break from pictures for a bit? :) I think my cousin had a four-picture + sentence prompt LMAO.
I really, really like the way you insert little morals at the end of every piece. Definitely better than your first creative essay. :)
You could always interpret the picture figuratively. Kinda hard to do with a sentence prompt, but super easy with a picture. That piece of white stick looks like something man-made. I would've written something about how mankind is harming nature and other animals with their inventions, mocking Mother Nature or whatever hahaha haaaa just throwing it out there. :3 Stick to whatever you're comfortable with~
Here is a picture of a bart simpson. IDK :P
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Hey there,
Good text but here's the thing, since Spain has such low population and popularity, and it's culture being lost, a rebuttal saying that people should learn Spanish to keep the language from going extinct, how would you argue to that?
Hey COLORS!
I've seen you around this section a lot. It seems you're very paranoid about the test. Lol jks, probs not but I would be. I fail to write educated sentences at 10pm.
Anyway, your idea for the creative was AMAZING! Have to record that down. It can be used for like lots of things, and I'm pretty sure the examiners like that sort of stuff.
Sorry I can't write as much, I can barely think. My mind shuts of at around 9:30PM. :o
I can however, promise you that I value your impute and have spend hours looking at your suggestions + the other threads that have being popping up all over the place.
As you can tell, I can like really sleepy and I'm not sure what I'm typing.
Naah, just kidding, I can still read back, just I'm too tired and I can't be bothered. ::)
Here is a picture of a bart simpson. IDK :P
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A poll in 2014 suggests that only a meager 10% of people believe that Spanish classes to be compulsory.
Unnecessary pressure from knowing you're trying to keep a dying language alive?Don't see anything in my inbox lol
(I know noTHING)
Also, it'd be great if you could check your PM inbox, haha. I asked you a question about the exam oops :c
Aw. :) I a bit too early to say this but good luck with your MHS exam next year!
Out of interest:
a) What is the source of that stat and why isn't in included in your response. If it's made up, that's really not ok.
b) If it is a real stat, how did you know it? Seems very specific.
Also, I believe that isn't a good way to start an essay. The prompt is asking you for your opinion, having your first sentence showing a [dubious] stat about other peoples' is not good tact. If I was in year 8, I'd be using my first sentence to give some background into the topic (why is this prompt being selected? etc.) and then giving my opinion. I'd be using my other intro sentences to summarise the contents of my next paragraphs.
Hey there,
Good text but here's the thing, since Spain has such low population and popularity, and it's culture being lost, a rebuttal saying that people should learn Spanish to keep the language from going extinct, how would you argue to that?
Unnecessary pressure from knowing you're trying to keep a dying language alive?
(I know noTHING)
Also, it'd be great if you could check your PM inbox, haha. I asked you a question about the exam oops :c
Aw. :) I a bit too early to say this but good luck with your MHS exam next year!
Hi guys!
I have some fantastic news.
So, I write my essays on this exercise book first before typing it up and the one I use is 64pages! I surpassed it and I'm now on my second book!
Huge thanks to everyone that have contributed on the thread. :D
I completed today's creative writing!
I took some advice from COLORS and used a sentence prompt today. ;)
This essay was written in 16 minutes and the prompt was:
The summer breeze brushed past my sundress as I walked down the lane.
After finishing my essay, I realised I pretty much went off topic. So, huge *facepalm*
:-[
Disclaimer for people that don't know, everything under the dotted line is what I actually wrote in my essay. Not typos. The words in brackets are stuff I added though. ;)
Anyway, here it is.
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The humid summer breeze brushed gentlyaround meagainst my skin? - Rethink this; the breeze can't really brush around you. The optimistic rays ofthesunlight pelting down on me like pouring rain Good. I bent over and took off my sandals, feeling the rough yet delightful sand Describe it. It was a glorious day. I smiled happily to myself, the meager grin Rethink thisgradually expanding into pure elation. I turned my head and stared diligently at the waves. I could feel the mystical butterflies race around in my stomach. It was my first time at the beach.
I took a meticulous step towards the beach treading once again on the majical(wtf majical?) I personally wouldn't describe the sand as magical unless you're going to add a supernatural element to it. I find the word overusedsand. The steps turned into a stroll swiftly ending up into a well paced jog towards the waves.
There was something about the waves that I was always fascinated about. Maybe it was the persistentcrushing soundcrashing of the waves against the murky backdrop?ortheperhaps it was the sheer power they seemed to posess that intrigued me. Good. I really like this. Nevertheless, I was about to find out.
Step, step, step, Describe this differently. What sound do you think feet make when running on sand? Pat, pat, pat maybe?I ran towards the ocean. I could feel an immersive aura dragging me towards the water. SPLASH! I set foot in the waves. The sensation was incredible. Describe it. What did the sensation feel like? The refreshing water soaked my feet as the sand dried it again. It seemed as if I had stepped on the boundary between ordinary and amazing. After slowly absorbing the feeling I stared back at the beautiful horizon.
At that moment, there was no place I would rather be.
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Hey pi!
Thanks for replying,
The fact was in fact made up on the spot, my school teachers tell me to open with a "grabbing" introduction. According to him, it's OK to make up stats.
Following your suggestion, should I do something like....
The topic on whether Spanish lessons should be compulsory for students has been brought to the attention of politicians. Forcing Spanish lessons on pupils will serve no purpose, add a significant amount of stress and has the worst academic value. I thoroughly believe that students should not have to take Spanish classes.
??? If there was anything wrong with the introduction, please inform me. ;)
Hey there, Good to see you preparing so early :) must really want to get in
My school never had a good music room or anything that you can call instruments, so I'm happy my parents are finally sending me to a music tutor for the holidays and weeks to come :) will add to my workload of remembering all the basic scales and how to read musical language but bring a beginner probably isn't so bad
Will probably pick up a brass instrument, or anything that uses organs, I thought of piano and was like 'never gonna be able to remember all that stuff for that' so I'm deciding on trombone trumpet or euphonium :)
Sorry I went a bit off topic there, here's some feedback
Remember that an gramma and excessive language and vocab won't matter as much as relevance, no matter how good It is, if there is no relevance, that's a bad piece, so plan that out first.
I've seen you getting prompts from the net lately so I decided to give you one so I see how your mind thinks (how different can you imagine from me when you do the same prompt) here it is
Persuasive 'science has gone far enough that scientists are now studying the cloning of genes, should they continue on this research?'
Creative 'I told myself to never come back, but here I am, at the..........'
Btw they do look out for general knowledge, even though you should reply to the prompts,especially persuasive, in a passive voice and not use your past knowledge like exact percentages and stuff, you can whack some around in creative.
Here's a sad ending that always gets me at the ending of romance/supernatural/fantasy light novels (mainly Japanese, I dunno if others call it light novels) that you try to use to play with others feelings
This is just a sample I just thought out of my head lol
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At last, back to where I started, all my work is done.
"My majesty, we must hurry to the medic camp up ahead, or it'll be too late!" His cries of desperation truly does make me glad
"Put me down be bedivere, I need some rest." He looked into my eyes about to ignore my command, but he abided by it
He lay me down next to the fully grown tree damaged by war, just like all the others around it.
I held up my prided sword, the caliburn That was replaced after my Excalibur broke. The sheathe was badly damaged and you could see the tip sticking out.
"Throw this into back where it belongs, back into the lake, the Lady of the lake will collect it"
"But your majesty, you are heavi-"
"Do not worry about me, I'll be taking a little rest" he had doubtful looks in his eyes, but once again pretended that he never had such thoughts and left for the lake after one last goodbye
The memories I made in that world, of course weren't lost. How could I forget about that place, where "that" person lived. It all felt like a dream, but after repeating this cycle over countless times, one cannot fool himself and ignore it.
Finally, I can end this. after bearing that last moment, when I was betrayed by my own comrade countless times, I can finally see the end
The last words "that" person from that world said to me still echoed in my heart, and always will.
I closed my eyes, with tears still tricking down my face. Just then, bedivere arrived
"Your majesty, I have done as you have told me, what shall I do now?"
It seems he was still willing to follow me, but, I guess this will be my last command to him
"Go look after Mordred .... For me...... There is nothing else (cough cough) I could ask you to do. I will now take a little rest.... But only this... Time.... It might be for a little longer......"
I looked at him in the face one more time, he tried t hide his tears but it was a futile attempt
I smiled at him with my last remaining force, I repeated what "that" person said one more time, which confused bedivere, and...
Closed my eyes for the last time.
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What I remember from the end of the "fate/stay night" series, got my eyes watery from reading it, it was much more powerful in the actual thing, as there was an illustration of it that got me crying lol, this is a version i remember and created myself cause I couldn't be bothered copy pasting the original
If you know your facts well you should be able to recognise the characters of the piece and you can probably even guess who was the narrator by all the hints I gave including his way of death and names I spoke of.
If you figure it out, tell me in your next post :-)
This piece is still on lvl 6 of the feel meter for me, got much more pieces made by Japanese that are way more emotional lol.
GL on your studies
Good use of literary devices. Strong imagery. Huge improvement from the last narrative I read of yours! Good work :) Be careful with your vocabulary. Some words just don't work in the given context. If possible, I would try and make it longer. It seems as though the beach is a really significant place for your character. Why is this? What's their backstory? This might be something interesting to explore. Also, try to think up a thematic statement. This will help with the overall direction of your story. Continue to employ 'show, don't tell'.
It is 100% not OK to make up stats, a good rule for any essay/paper you'll write in life. Your teacher is giving really bad advice in that regard.
You don't need stats to write an essay and no one expects you to have random stats memorised. If you want to make reference to a 'number', phrase it like "it is likely that a significant proportion of believe that..." etc. Never put in a number without a source (...and never make up a source!).
That intro is improved, it seems very clunky (sentences don't flow to each other), but with practice you'll develop your own style. Your first sentence is still a bit dodgy, can't say I have ever heard a politician talking about Spanish classes. Maybe something more "legit" and at a Year 8 level would be "The proposition of whether Spanish classes should be compulsory for high school students has been a contentious one for many school administrators." It is probably true and seems to be more relevant to schools which is relevant to the topic. Keep things relevant and true. :)
Will borrow that for other pieces if you don't mind :P
Hey there, Good to see you preparing so early :) must really want to get in
My school never had a good music room or anything that you can call instruments, so I'm happy my parents are finally sending me to a music tutor for the holidays and weeks to come :) will add to my workload of remembering all the basic scales and how to read musical language but bring a beginner probably isn't so bad
Will probably pick up a brass instrument, or anything that uses organs, I thought of piano and was like 'never gonna be able to remember all that stuff for that' so I'm deciding on trombone trumpet or euphonium :)
Sorry I went a bit off topic there, here's some feedback
Remember that an gramma and excessive language and vocab won't matter as much as relevance, no matter how good It is, if there is no relevance, that's a bad piece, so plan that out first.
I've seen you getting prompts from the net lately so I decided to give you one so I see how your mind thinks (how different can you imagine from me when you do the same prompt) here it is
Persuasive 'science has gone far enough that scientists are now studying the cloning of genes, should they continue on this research?'
Creative 'I told myself to never come back, but here I am, at the..........'
Btw they do look out for general knowledge, even though you should reply to the prompts,especially persuasive, in a passive voice and not use your past knowledge like exact percentages and stuff, you can whack some around in creative.
Here's a sad ending that always gets me at the ending of romance/supernatural/fantasy light novels (mainly Japanese, I dunno if others call it light novels) that you try to use to play with others feelings
This is just a sample I just thought out of my head lol
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At last, back to where I started, all my work is done.
"My majesty, we must hurry to the medic camp up ahead, or it'll be too late!" His cries of desperation truly does make me glad
"Put me down be bedivere, I need some rest." He looked into my eyes about to ignore my command, but he abided by it
He lay me down next to the fully grown tree damaged by war, just like all the others around it.
I held up my prided sword, the caliburn That was replaced after my Excalibur broke. The sheathe was badly damaged and you could see the tip sticking out.
"Throw this into back where it belongs, back into the lake, the Lady of the lake will collect it"
"But your majesty, you are heavi-"
"Do not worry about me, I'll be taking a little rest" he had doubtful looks in his eyes, but once again pretended that he never had such thoughts and left for the lake after one last goodbye
The memories I made in that world, of course weren't lost. How could I forget about that place, where "that" person lived. It all felt like a dream, but after repeating this cycle over countless times, one cannot fool himself and ignore it.
Finally, I can end this. after bearing that last moment, when I was betrayed by my own comrade countless times, I can finally see the end
The last words "that" person from that world said to me still echoed in my heart, and always will.
I closed my eyes, with tears still tricking down my face. Just then, bedivere arrived
"Your majesty, I have done as you have told me, what shall I do now?"
It seems he was still willing to follow me, but, I guess this will be my last command to him
"Go look after Mordred .... For me...... There is nothing else (cough cough) I could ask you to do. I will now take a little rest.... But only this... Time.... It might be for a little longer......"
I looked at him in the face one more time, he tried t hide his tears but it was a futile attempt
I smiled at him with my last remaining force, I repeated what "that" person said one more time, which confused bedivere, and...
Closed my eyes for the last time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What I remember from the end of the "fate/stay night" series, got my eyes watery from reading it, it was much more powerful in the actual thing, as there was an illustration of it that got me crying lol, this is a version i remember and created myself cause I couldn't be bothered copy pasting the original
If you know your facts well you should be able to recognise the characters of the piece and you can probably even guess who was the narrator by all the hints I gave including his way of death and names I spoke of.
If you figure it out, tell me in your next post :-)
This piece is still on lvl 6 of the feel meter for me, got much more pieces made by Japanese that are way more emotional lol.
GL on your studies
I can see from the post that you kinda hypothetically guessed what gene cloning is, but from what I see the only reason you messed up is because you didn't know too much of science, so no matter.
You also didn't reply to your own rebuttal, I think it is because of the time limited but always reply to a rebuttal or it'll feel like you're dodging a question.
The quality of the rebuttal is also an issue. Gene. Cloning doesn't affect nature much as it won't use a factory, but more of a lab
(I feel like I'm just arguing against you now)
What would you do if gene cloning required human experimentation, and cloning an entire person was possible.wouldnt this bring us back to the age of ignorance and the age of slaves?
Grammar and vocab seem good, just the structure
Btw, the Narrator of the piece I wrote would be King Arthur, the story would be describing his moments before death
Mordred, bedivere, caliburn, lady of the lake, just some of the clues I gave :) I was thinking of adding Guinevere somewhere in there but that'll make it too obvious,the same with 'the round table', that would also make it too obvious but I did this to test your general knowledge, so in the actual exam, you don't have to hide stuff cause they want to see everything you know
You're not going to like this.
Just a general comment after reading a few of your essays, you seem to have an impressive vocabulary, but the way you use it seems very 'forced'. It's almost like you're using complex words to solely impress the reader/examiner, and hence, your piece often doesn't flow and it reads in an 'unnatural' way. It really detracts from the ideas in your writing.
Examples of the aforementioned
in the above piece:
1. "I've invented a drink that can alter my grotesque accent" (great word, but doesn't sound right as a description of one's own accent)
2. "...jumping out of his ergonomic chair" (how does that description add anything to the story but "look examiner, I know this word!"?)
3. "My smile segued into a shiver as I thought about his robot that would wipe your mouth." (also, not sure why this sentence is even in this piece, seems really unrelated to your story tbh)
etc.
Because I was so focused on the inappropriate use of language, I'll honestly admit I had to read your piece once again to understand what you meant by "I had finally understoodidn't think it really addressed the prompt, and I'm a little confused if you actuad why the professor never talked" (mind you, not the strongest story-line imo haha, lly meant "accent", or something more like "bad breath" for the reason of his lack of verbal communication, not sure why someone would stop speaking because of their accent haha) in the final line.
Good to have a strong vocab, but better to know how to utilise it effectively. Read more novels and slow down on the essays (every 2-3 days should suffice), see how authors wield their words and compare it to your own style.
Plenty of time to improve and develop your own style though! :)
Again, more general comments as I don't have the time to fully mark an essay:
1) You should never use "I" (and even "we") in an analytical piece. The examiner knows it's your opinion - you're the one writing the piece aren't you? Hence, no need to use "I". You used it in your intro and your conclusion, and you're better off thinking of some other way to construct those sentences.
I unequivocally agree that we should not legalises marijuana for medicinal purposes.
Hence, marijuana should not be legalised for medicinal purposes." <- yes, it doesn't have your "buzzword vocabulary" word of "unequivocally", but it's far more appropriate.
2) "To start off" is way too colloquial and casual for an essay. Maybe use "Firstly" or ditch numbering your paragraphs altogether.
3) "Marijuana works like a painkiller but it is significantly less harmful." <- not sure how that helps your argument, if anything I'd say it does the opposite. A very odd off way to end a paragraph that condemns marijuana use.
Overall, I think this is an improved piece. The vocab that was "forced" was less obvious (but still detectable!), and you seem to be on the way up! :)
1) Okay, so we can't use I or we, that makes sense :). What about saying one. As in,
One would wonder why marijuana is such an additive drug
Hey Pi, I think it's school holidays for most students, so I wanted to ask how much all the stationaries nod uniforms and stuff costed for MHS
Thanks
NOTE!
I actually wrote an essay yesterday, but for some reason, AN wouldn't let me post it so here is yesterday's essay. :-\
Hey guys,
YAY! I finally completed my creative writing.
The prompt was very, short. To say the very least, and I didn't have a single idea of what I was writing. :-[
The ending was very rushed and the whole plot was rather confusing.
Overall, I'm really amateur at generating ideas.
Any tips on that would be great.
Also, should I start writing as soon as I get the prompt or should I think up an idea first? ???
Anyway, I wrote this in 15 minutes and the prompt was:
Rosaline never knew what hit her.
Well, here it is. :P There are lots of horrible sentence structure, probably because I was trying to think of ideas while writing. :-[
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A pleasant Autumn guest raced past me, leaving behind was a trail of startled leaves. The sun was gradually waking up from it's groggy slumber. The sky stretched out to eternity, dottedwithby luscious white clouds. It was a heavenly day.
I placed down my bag on the worn-out concrete blocks, appreciating the picturesque view. Lovely ravines dominated scene, unusually tranquil. After nudging [try "easing"? myself into a comfortable position, my desire to go home vanished.
I lifted my arm and gently brushed it against my forehead. I felt weird, to say the very least. Adrenaline surged from my heart filling me with fear and energy. Drops of sweat emerged from my neck, making me tense. Something was wrong, my instincts told me. I turned my head to face the sky directly above me attempting to find the source of my fear. A flock of birds gathered on a branch above me looking extremely malicious. They seemed to be discussing something, something dire, dangerous. Suddenly, the world around me began to turn. It was as if I had spun around consecutively. Dizziness surfaced and within seconds the world was dark. [You can break up this paragraph. Just before "suddenly".
Years later, I still do not understand what occurred all this time ago.
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You're not supposed to capitalise season names, so the first sentence should be "A pleasant autumn [breeze?]..." Plus, you're using it as an adjective, not a proper noun. :P
You can delve a little deeper into the prompt, I think. Our lives are governed by laws and "logic". I would have added a supernatural element to it, and be all like "Rosaline, a firm so-called "realist", didn't know what hit her because she refused to wrap her delusional mind around it," or something. You did answer the prompt though, so no worries I guess? :P Showcase your imagination a bit more.
Have you tried the "imagine if inanimate objects could talk" (or something) prompt yet?
Hey COLORS,
I haven't done the one about if inanimate objects could talk. I'll do that next time but today I'll have to write persausive. ;D
A realist is a thing! Gosh, I've never seen the word.
Yes I think a supernatural element would spruce up my writing.
I've been reading a lot of adventure and action books, trying to see how authors write and trying to figure out when some adjectives are appropriate. I've written supernatural essays before. It's a superb idea, I can easily incorporate it and it is very grabbing.
Overall, thanks for your corrections.
And your useful solution to my promplem. :P
Ooh. Books are awesome.
Sometimes supernatural-ish things don't work for some prompts, so it's okay to write the way you did!
Keep up the effort (:
pi told me that I should not use "I" so I'm trying to write stuff like:
Thus, defeating the infamous opposition argument."
I realised I use "I" a lot and I would like to know variables for it so I don't sound monotonous.
I know thus, obviously and hence, anything else? :P
Sorry in advance, hopefully you read this constructively.:)
As you said yourself, this isn't a great response.
In addition to your arguments, which I think are pretty weak, I'm not happy with some specific parts:
1) "Firstly, the vote of a thirteen year old will be worthless." <- avoid such strong negative language
2) "At such a youthful age, they are too focused on academics to understand what they are vouching for" <- lol this is definitely not true, most 13 year olds are more preoccupied with playing games or sports or something. Maybe a lot has changed in the 8 years since I was 13, but I doubt it.
3) "Lastly, while some state that democracy has to be given to the youthful population the truth is that they will receive the voting rights eventually. Thus defeating the infamous argument." <- this, to me, looks like a "rebutta paragraph for the sake of a rebuttal paragraph". I'd argue that you didn't even present an alternate view or a supportive view, it just didn't sound like rebuttal at all, just a strange addition to the piece.
4) I still find you dropping "fancy" words in odd locations, I personally don't like it, but I think you should take someone else's opinion on this too.
I liked the structure of your conclusion, thought it was spot-on, obviously the content of it I didn't like that much but that's a fault of the body paragraphs :P However, I thought the line "Voting is a privilege not to be taken lightly" was probably the best line you wrote in the piece!
I disagree that this is a "dodgy" topic, there are plenty of arguments on both sides,you just didn't think of them :P And that happens to the best of us, and is all part of learning, so DON'T WORRY! :)
Utilise websites like this to enhance your learning once you've tackled a persuasive prompt. Then, write it again a week later to see what you've learnt.
Lots to improve on, but time is on your side! :)
Good job on removing "I" and "we" from your writing!
I'd refrain from using "infamous" in that way, it's a good word, but it's not really the correct use of that word. If you're going to make a rebuttal, you don't have to word it like a battle with an enemy, it's just an opinion. Maybe something I'd write in year 8 to end such a paragraph would be:
Hence, the alternative argument of <x> is nonsensical.
Therefore, the view of <x> is the more logical one.
etc.
It's an essay, not a war :P
2)So realism is the priority? Okay, I'll try to keep that in mind. Will also be easier to write about I guess. :)
Also, is the rebuttal paragraph necessary? Can it replace one of the three body paragraphs?
Moderator action: please stop posting ascii art...
I apologise for the ascii art. It think you're (whoever the moderator is, I'm assuming you) referring to the text art. Sorry for my ignorance, I'll stop it. :P
HI GUYS
Finished today's creative essay.
Not much to say except that I went overtime on this one like 3 minutes overtime, since I couldn't think of anything to write.
Anyway, the prompt was,
By the time I reached the train station, she was gone.
As you might have guessed, I wrote this in 18 minutes.
Also, I kind of failed. Since the "she" in the prompt was replaced by a man in my story. :P
Good news, I think I have very little "forced" vocabulary in this essay.
I should try to write faster I believe. Any tips on how to have legible and fast writing will be greatly appreciated. i.e A specific pen? Way to hold the pen? Different Handwriting? All inputs will be appreciated. :)
As always, all mistakes are not typos. OKay? All grammatical errors too are misakes I made in the actual essay. ;)
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I was born ready, I thought to myself as I dubiously glanced at skiing gogles stacked elaborately on the shelves. Brushing away the immediate shock of the sheer variety the store offered, I was stuck in the dilemma of what colour I should purchase. After staring at every possibility numerous times, my muscles started aching. Hence, I carefully placed the large snowboard on the floor (sounds weird. Sorry, it just stuck out to me. Since when did he pick up a snowboard?). The absence of dust was evidence, gave me an ideaof the amount ofmoneyeffort spent to create such a luxurious feel of the shop. I had law huh? expectations, viewing negative reviews online.
Due to the weirdlytranquilitytranquil atmosphere of the store, I almost jumped out of my skin when somebody bumped into me. Muttering an apology, I moved out of the wayforthe newcomer, an old man. Stealing a curious peek at the person, I experienced a ("strange" would go nicely here) tingling sensation. Scanningthe manhis suspicious figure, Isawwas startled to see his moustache fall to the ground.The manHe instinctively ducked, trying to mask his mistake as the need to tie his laces. Adrenalin pumped into my system, jolting my muscles and skyrocketing my alertness. Realising what was going on, I tackled the "grandpa."
The man flung his walking stick at the shelf and bolted.EnragedAt the sight of him escaping, rage boiled within me. I will not back down that easily, I told myself and ran after him. I gasped for air as I pushed myself harder. My efforts was worth it as I saw the man toss a square object at me. It fell on the ground. I picked it up, confirming that it was my wallet and continued springing after him. A while later, exhaustion had gotten the better of me, as. I watched him disappear across the train station. Ishakedshook my fists in anger, shouting out rude remarks.
I had finally understood why the store was so isolated. (Sounds weird and didn't make much sense to me. No one knew he was a thief, right? So they had no reason to avoid the store. Maybe try writing something a little deeper.)
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HI GUYS
Finished today's creative essay.
Not much to say except that I went overtime on this one like 3 minutes overtime, since I couldn't think of anything to write.
Anyway, the prompt was,
By the time I reached the train station, she was gone.
As you might have guessed, I wrote this in 18 minutes.
Also, I kind of failed. Since the "she" in the prompt was replaced by a man in my story. :P
Good news, I think I have very little "forced" vocabulary in this essay.
I should try to write faster I believe. Any tips on how to have legible and fast writing will be greatly appreciated. i.e A specific pen? Way to hold the pen? Different Handwriting? All inputs will be appreciated. :)
As always, all mistakes are not typos. OKay? All grammatical errors too are misakes I made in the actual essay. ;)
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I was born ready, I thought to myself as I dubiously glanced at skiing goggles stacked elaborately Maybe switch this around on the shelves. Brushing away the immediate shock of the sheer variety the store offered, I was stuck in the dilemma of what colour I should purchase. After staring at every possibility numerous times my muscles started aching. My only problem with this is the link. You're staring but your muscles hurt? If you're muscles hurt I would instead mention how you've been standing around for hours on end, etc. Hence, I carefully placed the large snowboard on the floor. The absence of dust wasevidenceevident and gave me an idea of the amount of money spent to create such a luxurious feel of the shop. Not quite sure what you're saying here. Be careful with expression and how you're communicating your ideas. I had law Poor? expectations,viewinggiven the negative reviews online.
Due to the weirdly tranquility Phrase this differently of the store, I almost jumped out of my skin when somebody bumped into me. Muttering an apology, I moved out of the way for the old man. Stealing a curious peek at the person, I experienced a tingling sensation. Scanning the man, I saw his moustache fall to the ground. The man instinctively ducked, trying to mask his mistake as the need to tie his laces. Adrenalin pumped into my system, jolting my muscles and skyrocketing my alertness. Realising what was going on, I tackled the "grandpa."
The man flung his walking stick at the shelf and bolted. Enraged at the sight of him escaping. I will not back down that easily, I told myself and ran after him. I gasped for air as I pushed myself harder. My efforts was worth it as I saw the man toss a square object at me. Unless this store sells strange objects you could probably just say what the object is rather than describing it as a 'square object'. It fell on the ground. It fell to the floor and upon examining it...? Might be a better way to phrase it. I picked it up confirming that it was my wallet and continued springing after him. A while later, exhaustion had gotten the better of me, as I watched him disappear across the train station. I shaked my fists in anger, shouting out rude remarks.
I had finally understood why the store was so isolated.
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I don't know why but I just thought back on the exam and reminded myself I only did 22 questions without guessing on maths
Now I'm just suking in the corner
My parents are telling me to find a school near my house cause I said I probably can't get in, ima try out for glen Eagles secondary since it's right next to me, doesn't seem too bad lol
Ah. Sorry. It's the holidays and I'm bored, so I've been lurking around on AN a lot lately.
I'm not exactly an English guru, but there were some words that stuck out. I bolded them. :P
I think you should put single-quotation marks around 'thoughts'.
Your opening is wonderful. No "forced" vocab. As for your pen question, I went to OfficeWorks and bought a blue pen with this really.. uh.. idk. Small, sharp tip? I hate fat ballpoint pens. Writing in cursive is less tiring and faster, but that might be just me. I know heaps of people who despise joint writing, and (probably) have a faster pace than me. ;--;
I gripped the pen a little too hard during the exams. My fingers were dying by the end of fifteen minutes oops.
Good that you picked up the error in your reading of the prompt albeit a little too late. Definitely something you need to keep an eye out for in exams. Read the prompt a few times and plan so you don't make these mistakes. :)
The opening is a bit dull in comparison to your last two paragraphs. I think you need to really build up this mysterious atmosphere the store gives. Second paragraph is excellent though and really gets the audience asking "what's happening/what's going to happen?". Good work! :)
I don't know why but I just thought back on the exam and reminded myself I only did 22 questions without guessing on maths
Now I'm just suking in the corner
My parents are telling me to find a school near my house cause I said I probably can't get in, ima try out for glen Eagles secondary since it's right next to me, doesn't seem too bad lol
The question of whether the driving age be raised to twenty-one has received significant attention among the public. If the driving age is raised to twenty-one, the action will form a safer driving environment, reduce our carbon footprint and will not be unjust to the car companies. Hence, the driving age should be raised to twenty-one. (Imagine a tick, well done)
Firstly, increasing the driving age to twenty one will reduce road related accidents. When one is eighteen, they may commit dangerous and unwise decisions, while driving. Such hazardous actions include, (Comma not needed in my opinion, not sure so sorry if I am wrong) texting, (forgot comma, maybe just a typing mistake XD) smoking and a ([a] not needed but doesn't effect the sentence) lack of attention while driving. It is likely a large proportion of road accidents are sourced from the younger population. Therefore, if the driving age is raised to twenty-one, it will lower the amount of accidents on the road.
Secondly, increasing the driving age to twenty-one will force some to use public transport, ultimately helping the environment. Public transport is a more efficient and environmentally friendly way of travelling compared to cars. If the driving age is increased to twenty-one, damaging carbon emissions will be reduced. (Maybe you could also include a sentence stating that public transport reduces the amount vehicles needed to transport the same amount people and this paragraph doesn't follow the TEEL structure)
Lastly, while some may state that such change will adversely effect car companies, due to less people willing to purchase cars, the amount of people doing so will be too insignificant to be a issue. Increasing the driving age to twenty-one will not be (not needed) severely damage car companies. (not sure if rebuttal's should use the TEEL structure, but I would recommend you do use it)
Driving is a task requiring lots of responsibility. Increasing the driving age to twenty-one will create an overall safer driving environment, will benefit the environment and will not be unfair to car companies. Therefore, the driving age should definitely be raised to twenty-one.
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Tips:
Try replacing words like (Firstly, secondly and thirdly) to [examples]:
-To begin with
-furthermore
-last but not least
-On top of that
-In addition
As you work on becoming faster in writing, try to include 3 argument paragraphs along with a rebuttal
You may also want to try to use the following starters for your conclusion:
- In summary......(reasons)
- Thus, due to...... (reasons)
Overall its a pretty good essay, I probably would have done worse if I had just gotten a tooth taken out XD
Well done!
The question of whether the driving age be raised to twenty-one has received significant attention among the public. If the driving age is raised to twenty-one, the action will form a safer driving environment, reduce our carbon footprint and will not be unjust to the car companies. Hence, the driving age should be raised to twenty-one. (Imagine a tick, well done)
Firstly, increasing the driving age to twenty one will reduce road related accidents. When one is eighteen, they may commit dangerous and unwise decisions, while driving. Such hazardous actions include, (Comma not needed in my opinion, not sure so sorry if I am wrong) texting, (forgot comma, maybe just a typing mistake XD) smoking and a ([a] not needed but doesn't effect the sentence) lack of attention while driving. It is likely a large proportion of road accidents are sourced from the younger population. Therefore, if the driving age is raised to twenty-one, it will lower the amount of accidents on the road.
Secondly, increasing the driving age to twenty-one will force some to use public transport, ultimately helping the environment. Public transport is a more efficient and environmentally friendly way of travelling compared to cars. If the driving age is increased to twenty-one, damaging carbon emissions will be reduced. (Maybe you could also include a sentence stating that public transport reduces the amount vehicles needed to transport the same amount people and this paragraph doesn't follow the TEEL structure)
Lastly, while some may state that such change will adversely effect car companies, due to less people willing to purchase cars, the amount of people doing so will be too insignificant to be a issue. Increasing the driving age to twenty-one will not be (not needed) severely damage car companies. (not sure if rebuttal's should use the TEEL structure, but I would recommend you do use it)
Driving is a task requiring lots of responsibility. Increasing the driving age to twenty-one will create an overall safer driving environment, will benefit the environment and will not be unfair to car companies. Therefore, the driving age should definitely be raised to twenty-one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tips:
Try replacing words like (Firstly, secondly and thirdly) to [examples]:
-To begin with
-furthermore
-last but not least
-On top of that
-In addition
As you work on becoming faster in writing, try to include 3 argument paragraphs along with a rebuttal
You may also want to try to use the following starters for your conclusion:
- In summary......(reasons)
- Thus, due to...... (reasons)
Overall its a pretty good essay, I probably would have done worse if I had just gotten a tooth taken out XD
Well done!
Hey diameter!
Welcome to AtarNotes!
Thanks so much for correcting!
Oh yes! TEEL!
Huge facepalm, can't believe I forgot what I've been taught for 7 years of my life. :P
Oh well, I will keep that in mind next time.
Thanks for pointing that out to me, really appreciate it. ;)
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As for the bit about starting phrases, love them.
Will absolutely use them.
However, I was told by pi (moderator) that I should be extremely formal in analytical essay and I thoroughly agree with that.
So, I'll use all except for maybe,
-to begin with (I used to use, to start off with.)
-on top of that
This can help you to, so keep that in mind next time you write. ;D
Also, what year are you in?
And why does lots of people on this posts have nouns as names?
(colours, coffee, diameter) lol. ::)
However, I was told by pi (moderator) that I should be extremely formal in analytical essay and I thoroughly agree with that.
So, I'll use all except for maybe,
-to begin with (I used to use, to start off with.)
-on top of that
This can help you to, so keep that in mind next time you write. ;D
YESSS!!! I completely forgot that as I haven't one since the test :o, they are(should/must) be formal, not making it seem like your talking someone! After editing, I think that is also something you are marked one, nice pick.
Also, what year are you in? In year 8, just did the test 1 month ago
And why does lots of people on this posts have nouns as names? cause... yolo XD
(colours, coffee, diameter) lol. ::)
Hey, its gone a bit quiet down here ain't it? :)
Maybe cause the test just finished and people are simply waiting for their results.
Best of luck. :D
Anyway, the prompt was page 9 of this website.
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures
I wrote this in 19 minutes.
I took very long, will try to increase my writing speed since I didn't take much time planning. I think I used lots more vocab in this but a lot of "forced" vocab I was noticing, but I ran out of time so I stuck with them.
Here it is enjoy! I would be heavily grateful if somebody gave me a suggestion, as aforementioned, the thread as gone unusually tranquil lately. You don't have to comment on everysingle one, (be awesome if you did 8) ) just this one. Thanks again for reading. ;)
(All the spelling, grammar, mistakes are not typos mistakes on the actual essay.)
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They say curiosity killed the cat, but in my case, it granted me with wisdom.
It was the kind of day that had sheets of puffy white clouds dominating the sky. I moved steadily but surely across the seemingly omnipotent sea. I felt the refreshing slice of air race by me, disturbing the water beside it. The horizon was bare, not a sign of anything besides sea (you've already used 'sea' once before, so try substituting it for a synonym).
I had been travelling all my life inaboutwhat I know as the ocean. Occasionally, pointy (?????? pointy creatures??? Maybe it would better to say 'pointy-eared' or 'pointy-tailed') creatures would race up my back, soaring gracefully into the air. They would tell me stories of their travel, awe-inspiring tales of victory or gut-wrenching experiences of escape. Twisted meticulously across ('Twisted meticulously' doesn't sound right :() those stories are the tales of ships. Those creatures are supposedly tough as steel, but slow moving.
I was woken from my thoughts by a large object in the horizon. I advanced forward,I could makemaking out specific details about the object,: humongous creates noise and ominously loud (wouldn't hurt to throw in adjectives describing it's appearance, since you did say 'specific details'). Gradually, I realised what this creature might be. The dark colours that plagued the ship gave off a vibe of something that shouldn't be touched. Nevertheless, anuindescribable wave of curiosity consumed me, causing me to race to it.
Crash, crash, crash! The water around me shouted. As I came dangerously close to the monster, I pushed down on to the ground, buyingmea glimpse of the insides of the ship. Aaah! Wild screams of terror filled the atmosphere as I launched myself into the monster. I stared into the eyes of the parasites that lived on the creature. I slided slid, satisfied, off the ship.
At that moment, there was no place I'd rather be.
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I found the end sort of confusing.
Sorry, I suck with analytical pieces. :(
Hey peeps! ;)
Done with today's creative writing.
Overall, I believe I performed well, however I went past the limit by a bit.
The prompt was sourced from page 10 of this site:
http://www.slideshare.net/kevcummins/150-amazing-writing-prompts-pictures
I wrote this in 17 minutes! yes!
I tried to use descriptive words and stuff, so kind of stole a lot of time. :P Worth it I reckon. You can decide. ;D
However, I feel like I didn't space my paragraphs correctly and it wasn't kept 1st person the whole way. :( Also, the ending was kind of anti-climatic. :-\
(AGAIN EVERYTHING BELOW THE DOTTED LINE IS WHAT I ACTUALLY WROTE IN MY NOTEBOOK, NOT ERRORS, MAYBE 10% ARE ERRORS, MOST AREN'T, YOU GET THE IDEA.)
Anyway, here it is, any suggestions or invigorating words will be cherished by me!
8)
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I stared upon the night sky (if you want to use 'upon', maybe it would be better to say "I cast my gaze upon the night sky".). A magnificent wheel of light illuminated the atmosphere with falling diamonds (Describing the moon as a 'disc' would be better. Anyway, it sounds like something an animal would say instead of a human.). Turning my attention to the sea, I admired the calming tranquillity (you use this word a lot. c: There's only one L in 'tranquility') of the ocean. It seemed to stretch out to eternity, no signs of land in sight.
I nodded satisfyingly at the idea of coming here. Everyone had warned me against fishing here because it was dangerous. Once I make a large catch, mycollegescolleagues will drown in envy. I felt aneuphoric (the 'eu' part is pronounced as 'y-'. Like Europe.) sense of glee creep up my spine. I shifted my attention to my fishing rod, adjusting every nook and cranny of it to ensure a large catch.
"Ouch!" I exclaimed as I pricked my fingers withe the hook. Hastily covering it with my hands I realised I would lose control of my fishing rod. I moved my body so that I could press it down against the edge of the rail with my stomach.
It was indeed extremely dangerous as it was balancing precariously. However, the overwhelming pain in my finger required immediate attention, I yelped in pain, a few passengers passengers turned their heads then continued with their activities. (I think you could do better with this sentence <<<)I silently cursed under my breath, hoping that I wouldn't hook a fish at the moment.
Out of the blue, a dart shaped fish jolted in front of my face. Any composure I had was lost,as I screamed piercingly. It was nothing compared to what followed. The devilish creature squirted ink all over me, decorating my expensive clothes with appalling blotches of ink,.then, fell back into the ocean mockingly. I stared at myself in disbelief.
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Don't spend too much time spewing out descriptions. :) They're more interested in how you interpret ideas than how flowery your writing can get.
Hi COLORS,
Once again, you've saved the thread from extinction.
lol, Terrible comparison I know, I'm just grateful that you bothered to help me out after the silence that's being haunting this thread for a while now. :)
I use tranquillity a lot, agreed.
I think it's because every time I use it, I place it in the wrong context. Making me determined to retry. ::)
Are you sure I should spend less time on descriptions?
So I should think about the whole plot first then writing?
I've tried that before and my mind just goes blank, I find it better and more time-efficient if I start writing descriptively as soon as I receive the prompt?
Any more insight? Thanks ;)
Er, well, it all depends on how fast your write/think, I guess? Never ever have I ever bothered to plan. Plan while writing is what most people do. The ideas just come as you get deeper into your story, you know?
For me, descriptions are a waste of time. If you decide to go JAC, they'll give you stuff like "Imagine that you are on a mountain. What do you see?", where you'll have to be super descriptive. I don't think a prompt like that would be used for selective exams, though.
Exploring the concept of my story > description. Connecting a (recurring) theme to the prompt comes almost immediately. I dunno about everyone else.
(i don't think i've ever interpreted a prompt literally lol. it's always figuratively.)
I think something like this was used years ago as a prompt for creative writing:
http://www.clker.com/clipart-15343.html
Try it?
Okay, that's pretty much what I'm doing now with the creative writing. I find myself get a better grasp of my story when I write more. I'll try to focus more on the plot.
I've never been to a place specifically for selective school exam, however I plan on doing so a few months before the test.
As for the picture prompt, I've never received anything so simple. Normally I have a very graphical picture. But, now that I've opened it, pretty much ruins the whole time limit thing. If you could be kind enough to find another very simple picture for a creative writing and post the link, I'll use that on Thursday. :D
Thanks!
Hi Pixel, I'm not the best at writing and you might even be better at writing than me so I won't correct your essays. I just wanted to say you are doing really well in the writing pieces. And the fact that you are studying a year before the actual test shows how determined you are to get in which is great. Keep up the good work!
For the essays, maybe try and write some humorous pieces with effective plots. Try and be more creative. Don't be afraid to incorporate some fictional stuff in it like aliens and magic. I remember one of my friends getting a good score on her essay about a boy finding a magical statue that gave him powers. So try writing some similar to that (you don't have to if you're not comfortable with it).
And be careful with the prompts by making sure it actually does relate to the prompt. Some people kind of stray off their prompts without even realizing it. The idea is what the markers are mostly looking for. So if your essay is really good but the idea is a bit off , you may get a low score.
Lastly, keep on writing but don't forget to study the other four subjects. Though I was confident in maths, it was actually the toughest for me this year so be extra careful in that !
Hey diameter!
Welcome to AtarNotes!
Thanks so much for correcting!
Oh yes! TEEL!
Huge facepalm, can't believe I forgot what I've been taught for 7 years of my life. :P
Oh well, I will keep that in mind next time.
Thanks for pointing that out to me, really appreciate it. ;)
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As for the bit about starting phrases, love them.
Will absolutely use them.
However, I was told by pi (moderator) that I should be extremely formal in analytical essay and I thoroughly agree with that.
So, I'll use all except for maybe,
-to begin with (I used to use, to start off with.)
-on top of that
This can help you to, so keep that in mind next time you write. ;D
Also, what year are you in?
And why does lots of people on this posts have nouns as names?
(colours, coffee, diameter) lol. ::)
Should students have to pass a basic skills test to graduate high school?
The matter of whether students have to pass a basic skills test to graduate high school has been circling the society. If students have to pass basic skills test to graduate high school, that would be good.
Is there any way to make it sound less repetitive? Thanks!
Cut out the first sentence. Since you're so pushed for time that you're missing basic necessities (examples to flesh out your arguments, a rebuttal) I'd dive straight in (see my rewritten intro below).
Hey guys,
Well this is something I didn't realise I would say. :-[
I might have failed my time management and left my tutor homework to the last minute. :-\
So, its 9:30PM now and this is my train of thought.
I'm not going to write an essay today even though I'm supposed to.
The reason behind it is all my fault, and I'll strive to not let it happen again.
If I had to, I could write another essay and present it to this thread.
However, I would not have time to reread everyone's corrections from my last piece.
This results in repeated tips and corrections, ultimately wasting your time.
Once again, I'm really disappointed in myself and I won't let it happen again.
I'll write it tomorrow, promise!
(╥︣﹏᷅╥᷅)
Hey bangali_lok!Nah, just been giving feedback to the year 12s round here - you gave more compliments than I've got for marking 30 other essays put together :P
Damn! I'm impressed! Do you mark essays as a job? I'm quite overwhelmed by the amount of notes you've given me.
Nah, just been giving feedback to the year 12s round here - you gave more compliments than I've got for marking 30 other essays put together :P
Anyway, this is my main point with your persuasive essay - explain more. If you make a claim - show an example of how it works. If you say 'X leads to Y', explain HOW X leads to Y, don't just state it. People won't believe your statements unless you show them how and why that statement is true. Like, read this paragraph.
A basic skills test will help build racial equality in society. This is because a basic skills test would reduce the population of fluffy pink rabbits, which will then help to destroy racism in society. Hence, unequivocally we should require a basic skills test to graduate high school to promote an equal society.
OK, that paragraph's rubbish, right? You're not going to get to the end of it and be like 'Yeah! Because of that paragraph, I now totally agree that we need basic skills tests!' Because, unless you're smarter than me, you can't quite see how:
a. a skills test will reduce the population of FPRs
b. reducing FPRs would impact racism.
so you will think, that argument is totally illogical. So, stating something doesn't make the reader agree - to persuade, you must explain how it works in detail without leaving gaps or assumptions. (Creative challenge for you: try and rewrite that paragraph above somewhat convincingly, inventing and explaining reasons of how skills tests would reduce FPRs and how that would impact racism. I'll be interested to see your effort!)
Hmmm. OkayPretty good effort, I'm impressed! You could do some more explaining - for instance, why FPRs are scared of tests (what is it about the test that scares them?), and how they contribute to racism (maybe because of their pinkness? they're very exclusive and think that brown rabbits are just substandard) because it's always better to over-explain rather than under-explain, which was the point of this exercise :)
Here goes:
A basic skills test will help build racial equality in society. Fluffy pink rabbits are frightened of tests and are the main contributor to racism. Therefore, a compulsory basic skills test will drive racist fluffy pink rabbits out of the nation, ultimately reducing the amount of racism. Hence, unequivocally we should require a basic skills test to graduate high school to promote an equal society
Is that okay? :P
Also am I the only one that can't see my avatar?
I can't even upload one or choose a default one
All aboard for a looooong correction. Not so much 'correction' as 'suggestion of how to improve', hope it helps :) Some of my comments are probably above year 8 level, but I'm trying to stretch you! I promise I can definitely see the improvements on last time, you're working to put comments into practice so well done!
I wrote this one in 19 minutes, I know :(
The topic was:
Should schools raise money by selling candy and sugary soft drinks to students?
I really think I could've done better with how fast I wrote it.
I think it's mostly because I've been trying to explain more in my paragraphs and trying to remember the modified structure, suggestions by bangali_lok Inevitably, it will improve but this learning curve sucks. :P
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The question of whether schools should raise money by selling candy and sugary soft drinks to students is an interesting one. I can see that you're trying to have a more interesting start by not diving straight in to your argument, but stating that it's interesting doesn't actually add much to your argument. If you remember, I like a shorter intro that gets straight the point (you could just cut out the first sentence even). If schools do so, they will receive complaints, there are other ways of raising money, schools also won't earn much money. Hence, schools undoubtedly should not raise money by selling candy and sugary drinks to students.
Some schools have considered raising money through selling candy and sugary soft drinks. However, this will not only lead to complaints, but schools will not earn much money through this method. Hence, instead of selling junk foods, schools should use other more effective fundraising methods.
This is better because it flows more nicely throughout, and ends on a solution.
Firstly, such a raise will amount to complaints from parents and a decreased reputation. In our educated society, it is common knowledge that sweets and sugary snacks are harmful for children. They rotone'steeth and leave a student in a hyperactive state unsuitable for the classroom. After students inform parents about this fundraiser, parentswillmay (making very firm claims when you don't actually know - because probably, some parents couldn't care less! - reduces your credibility) view the school as irresponsible and too desperate for money. Therefore schools should not raise money by selling candy and sugary drinks to students. A DEFINITE improvement, I can see that you're really trying to explain it all out :) :) :)
I reckon you could actually spread this into two paragraphs. Para 1 - it's unhealthy for kids (rot teeth, hyperactivity and child obesity - and then what obesity could do long-term, if you know anything about that). You could try a rhetorical question, which is a good persuasive technique (instead of stating something all the time so you sound a bit overbearing or boring, you basically get the reader to state it for you because your question has an obvious answer they can't disagree with). Something like: 'Isn't the aim of a school to improve the wellbeing of students?'
Then you could have a paragraph building on that that says, this will then lead to complaints.
Generally, you have three arguments to prove your point, right? Your arguments can either be like three random unconnected golf balls knocking around, or they can build on each other like a pyramid, with the last argument building on the bottom two to reach a high point. Which structure do you think is stronger? A three-golf-ball structure, or a little pyramid? So, if you can show that paragraph 2's idea (will lead to complaints) is building on paragraph 1's idea (detrimental to health) and thus we should have a different type of fundraiser, it feels really solid and well-linked, like your reasoning has been carefully thought out.
In addition, there are many more beneficial alternatives to selling confectionary and soda drinks. Such examples include, free dress days, arts and craft fair, lucky dips and carnivals. The ones listed harbour a complaint free way of raising money for the school. How about listing some of their benefits? Fun, harmless, socialising and building friendships, etc. Hence, schools undoubtedly should not fundraise money by selling candy and sugary drinks. This paragraph would be a good one to finish on rather than stick in the middle; that way you end on a high point, the 'solutions' - it makes your argument stronger, because instead of just saying 'no you shouldn't do this', you say, 'no, you shouldn't do this because you should do this instead'. So, if people were arguing 'yeah I know this isn't ideal, but there isn't any other option so we HAVE to use this fundraising method', you're like - 'nope, I'm in control, see look this is better!!' And thus, you shouldn't end on 'so no you shouldn't fundraise by selling candy and sugary drinks', you should end on 'rather than fundraising on candy, we should instead do this'.
Lastly, schools will not gain much money from selling confectionary and soda can. The conventional price of countless sweets and sugary drinks cannot be matched by a schools service. The school is then left with a dilemma, sell much higher for profit, drastically decreasing customers and (it's supposed to be or) lowering the price to suit the norm, decreasing profit. Both options are dead-ends for the school. Hence, schools definitely should not raise money by selling sweets and sugary drinks to students. It can get a bit boring and repetitious if you repeat the phrase 'X should definitely/definitely not do Y'. Instead, you could try to mix it up a bit: 'Thus, selling sweet foods would not actually profit schools much.' You DON'T have to finish every single paragraph stating your point; if you prove that it wouldn't profit schools, then it's obvious they shouldn't use it, so people will agree with you.
Schools definitely should not fundraise by selling confectionary and soda drinks to students because they will earn a bad reputation from parents, there are better ways of fundraising and schools will not earn much money from selling them. Yeah, I like the conciseness of the conclusion; but I'd definitely finish on a high note of saying what they can actually do instead!
Should schools serve french-fries and fried potato products to students at lunch?
I tried to play devil's advocate on this one, YAY! I love devil's advocation! not sure how it turned out. :P
I felt my points were pretty weak however, but one could call them creative. I don't know, tell me what you think.
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The question of whether schools serve french-fries and fried potato products to students at lunch has been floating around schools. Again, it'd be more powerful to write: Some schools have considered selling french fries to students at lunch. If they are sold, students will be more motivated to come to school, the school will be more popular and it will not dramatically affect student's health. Hence, schools unequivocally shouldnot<---- oops be careful :P serve french-fries and fried potato products to students at lunch.
If schools sell french-fries and fried potato products to students at lunch, more students will want to attend school. It is an undeniable fact that children love fried potato products. A rhetorical question would go well here. 'Don't all kids love french fries?' (Note that 'fried potato products' sounds a bit stilted, would you say that you really enjoy 'fried potato products', or 'hot chips'? Yes, you can (and should) switch the words in the topic with other ones, it reduces repetition). It is also extremely probable that a large portion of students that do not attend school is due to low motivation. Here's where you could think about your audience... who do you think you're targeting? If you want to convince parents, for instance, so that they won't complain, you could change that sentence to: 'Any parent could tell you how hard it is to get their kids to go to school.' You can be a bit casual in your writing in a persuasive piece, by the way. Once the absent students see their new menu, they will have a reason to go to school. Another good technique to use is making the hot chips the driver of action - 'Hot chips on the menu will drive/encourage/enthuse people to go to school'. See how the hot chips do the verb, they make the positive stuff happen? So that makes you feel they're really positive! Hence, schools should definitely serve french-fries and fried potato products to pupils.
Selling french-fries and fried potato products to students will ultimately increase the schools social standing inbetween pupils. Many schools refuse to sell french-fries and fried potato products to students. After pupils from other schools hear about this fried potato serving school, they will want to attend the school. This in return, hypes up the school and raise its rank socially. Therefore schools should undoubtedly serve french-fries and fried potato products to pupils at lunch. Here's your perfect opportunity to build on the last paragraph, and make your argument a pyramid! You can say - see, I've proved that kids will like the school, SO this will improve the school's rank.
My opponent might argue that french-fries and fried potato products will drastically damage one's health. The truth is that most if not all students already consume a lot of these products. Adding the possibility of another will have littleto noimpact on pupil's health. My opponent's argument is then heavily weakened. DO NOT refer to 'my opponent' (remember how you can't use first person?) or say 'my opponent's argument is then heavily weakened'. Try 'It could be argued that'... And then another rhetorical question: 'Don't kids consume a lot of these products already?' Then finish with something like 'Hence, the impact on health will be minimal', which claims (without you having to state it) that opposing arguments are wrong and you are right. You could also shift the responsibility to parents, like it's up to parents, not schools, to regulate a child's diet; the majority of their consumption will come from home, so this is tiny, and anyway parents can decide what the kids eat at school. It's not like the school's forcing kids to eat them! (shifting the blame is a great persuasive argument to use often).
Schools should definitely serve french-fries and fried potato products to students at lunch because it will invigorate pupils to attend school, increase the social standing of the school and will not significantly impact a pupil's health. Noice and concoise.
Hey bangali_lok!
Yass! Long corrections!
I'm not sure how to reply to this marking.
Well you made my essay seem pretty bad lol. NO NO NO NO NO :( :( :(
That's a good thing though. Promise I'll try to apply these to my writing.
Just not sure how to respond to that mountain of marking.
If anything, I'm exceedingly glad to have more suggestions and tips to work on.
Oh yes, all the marking. I agree with all of it. Just, I write really slowly, and I'm not sure how I'll be able to have them link together and stuff in 15 minutes. Maybe it will come with practise, hopefully, anyway.
As with the part about being able to be a little bit formal in the persuasive writing.
Pi told me that you had to be 100% formal in persuasive writing. I'm not sure what's right or wrong between them.
My theory is that it is not okay in the MHS test but okay everywhere else.
Maybe?
Again, thanks a bunch!
I am SOOOO sorry - I totally didn't mean it to look like your writing was bad, but I never think :( Most of those explanations don't say that what you did was wrong, they just explain (in detail, which is why it's so long) ways to make it even stronger! Like if I said it'd be good to have a rhetorical question here, that doesn't mean what you wrote was hopeless, it just means it could be made even better! I probably shouldn't have written that much, but I get excited, y'know?
Yeah, there's no way I expect you to put all this into practise in 15 mins! I thought you did really well to do the french fries one in that time; I also strongly noticed how many of my other suggestions you'd put in, there was DEFINITE DEFINITE improvement (you explained stuff better, joined sentences together, had a concise conclusion, etc. - and you're using big words more appropriately than much earlier in the thread :) ) Just remember I mark as someone who like only reads year 12 pieces... I honestly believe you'll kill the MHS exam, with your writing level.
Re formality, I suppose I was thinking more of a piece that's intended to persuade in real life rather than a persuasive essay, because in that situation you can definitely use casual language to be more effective. So probably in your essays stick to formal.
Whew...Cheers, after all the work you've done and the way you're improving so much, you seriously deserve encouragement! I'm betting you work harder than me, looks like it... wish I had your dedication, sometimes! Anyway, I feel you'll scream the exams for sure :D
Okay, I see what you mean now. Thanks for clearing that up. :D
Thanks a ton for giving me so much encouragement, I feel better now.
Anyway, that was off topic. I get excited too when I'm writing, as you can tell. :PDon't worry, I do too, that's why I 10000% overloaded you with blue writing ::)
The powerful sound of the waves washed over me. The sky was a crazy blue, to the extent where it seemed it had been photoshopped. I sidled behind the wooden pole, feeling small and unimportant around the crystal clear waves (I feel like this should've been worded differently. She's easily towering over the waves, and when people are at beaches, they don't usually ponder about how the water diminishes their self-worth. Saying something about the "vast ocean" would've been better.) . I stared pensively at the horizon, feeling the icy blasts of wind wash brush ("blasts" sounds really scary and powerful and stuff. "Brush" sounds a bit soft and underwhelming) me. Kyle had been correct, (replace with a dash or a full stop?) it was an absolute picturesque day.
I returned to my original position, posing in front of the pole. As I did so, an overview of the shoot flashed by me. I took a deep breath, inhaling the air. I'm noticing things about the ocean air (try to one of the 'air's with a synonym :P). It was distinctively different from the one in the city. While Although there was not a soul to be seen for miles except for me and Kyle - the airwasseemed to be filled to the brim with life. It refreshed,meinspired, motivated and, warned me, I realised with a shock. (It's all serene and stuff then there's a sudden turn. Maybe try splitting it into two separate sentences? Sorry, it just seems a bit choppy.)
"Serenie!" a familiar voice shouted,. "Pay attention!"
I obeyed without reluctance, I executedexecuting a few well-practised poses, smiling idiotically on each. As I was about to pull back my hair, I was briefly interrupted by the growing noise behind me ("a growing noise interrupted me" would be better). I shrugged this off and then posed for the next shot. (This seems really careless. :c Try "I shrugged it off, assuming the sound belonged to a distant ship.")
It was only when I noticed the grave and fear-strucken (stricken) face of Kyle that I knew a huge problem had occurred. I cautiously turned around towards the sound. A deafening roar greeted me.AsI stared in disbelief at the monstrous wave.
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[A magnificent wheel of light illuminated the sky with falling diamonds.]
(Sounds like the moon is lighting up the sky using shards of diamonds. How about "A magnificent wheel of light illuminated the sky of... blablabla".)
"Falling diamonds" makes me think of actual diamonds plummeting towards the ground. Stars don't really "fall".
ALsosososoalso
I just realised this and I want to punch myself......
I didn't use metaphors/similes in my creative writing.
Not sure if they give you extra marks or whatever if you do. But yeah, just gonna leave this here so the next batch of year 8s won't suffer the same fate lmAO ):
Try this next?:Spoilerhttp://agps.vic.edu.au/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/chessboard1.png
What do you know, I'm back...Ripped?!
Been away a bit cause of a few injuries, like big ones(ripped, not strain, ripped neck muscle) but active again, results should be coming back in the next few days but not exactly hyped since i know I blew my chance anyways :) COLORS lemme know if you get your results
I'll bE trying to give feedback and inprovements on your essays too pixel
gl to you next year, and gl on your results COLORS
Hey COLORS!
Nice to see you on the forum again! ;)
Again, you've proved yourself very knowledgeable about creative writing pieces. Don't fret about not using similes or metaphors, I bet the description would've made up for it. ;D
First Paragraph
Hmmm, I've never thought of using the vast ocean, despite hearing a lot. I'll borrow that for next time if you don't mind. :P
Also, I've gathered that if I use a milk adjective in terms of strength, I have to relate it. It does seem to be a bit weird-what I did.
I'm confused about how to use dashes. I've tried looking it up, but still pretty muddled. :-\
Second Paragraph
Yeh, lol, the curse of the "air". I was lost for words while writing this, thankfully, I searched some up now. I'll remember to use breeze and wind next time. ;)
With the bit about the sudden turn. I guess I was trying to make it like the order of thought? I'm not sure how to express it otherwise. Would you say:
It refreshed, inspired and motivated me. Yet, I felt it was... Warning me.
Are you allowed to use ellipsis? ???
Third, Fourth and Fifth Paragraph
I should try to be more realistic shouldn't I? :P
I was thinking of doing something like blaming it on a ship or something. But I only had a minute left I recall. Will improve though, as I familiarise with the time frame ::) I keep blaming it on the time don't I ::)
But, for real, I write pretty slowly and the time is so strict.
A lot of people have commented about how falling diamonds sounds strange. I'm starting to agree. Well at least you made a great replacement! 8)
I'll try your topic next time, although I'm assuming its creative. So I'll write it in a few days time. :P
Again, thanks a lot for the encouragement and corrections you've handed to me. Helps me out a bunch! Although you might be sceptical, I've no doubt someone so determined will get in. Also, will give me a mental boost to think that I've at least partially contributed to your success. ;D
Thanks!
...Ripped?!
Yeah, haha. One more week! (: It's scary to think about how both of my essays have (probably) been marked by now. =3=
There's always Principal's Discretion, right?
Just googled 'ellipses'.
"The three dots are supposed to indicate hesitation, interruption, or unfinished thoughts."
I remember spamming them, and JAC didn't say anything (just got told to brush up my handwriting lol), but my sister freaked out when she saw and told me to get rid of them LOL.
"It refreshed, inspired and motivated me. Yet, I felt it was... warning me."
The ellipses don't sound wrong. Not sure if the examinors like them, though.
The "vast sea" sounds more mysterious than "waves", haha. Don't know if you've covered this in school/tutor, but try to choose words so that they match the tone you want. "Waves" evokes an image of water gently rolling onto the beach (kinda cheery??? and holiday-ish?), but the ocean is unexplored and huge. No one really knows what lives at the bottom.
You're not going to like this feedback, but it needs to be said :)
As a general comment, in "male vs female" topics (and in life in general I guess), it's important to not try and sound like a sexist:
- "If females are permitted to join a male sport team, there will be overall less excitement on the matches" <- I can't see any female examiner appreciating this sentence
- "Boys teams were created so audiences can enjoy a more action filled match. Hence, girls should definitely not be accepted into any boys sport team." <- yeah look, pretty sexist and misguided view here LOL. are female netball teams (for example) not also created for audience enjoyment? or are they just not "action filled" and enjoyable in your view?
- "there will be less intensity in matches" <- as above, are you saying female matches aren't as intense for them?
- "These include increased distraction" <- is this because of attractiveness of the opposite sex? are humans that perverted? what are you trying to say here?
Some parts didn't really make sense or weren't well explained:
- "less co-operation and less input from the team" <- how so? what does that even mean? males and females co-operate in the general work-place well, why would sport be any different?
- "and it will be fair to skilled girls" <- did you mean 'unfair' perhaps? very confused here
Haven't read your essays in a while, but I can see "forced" vocab again. eg:
- "Once the public sees a seemingly entrenched rule be broken, citizens may rail about why boys should be able to enter girls sport teams." <- none of your other sentences read in this sophisticated way, it sounds really weird because this is so
- "Females should undoubtedly not play" <- 'undoubtedly' isn't a great word to use here, and I'm pretty sure you've used it in previous pieces too
Overall, and with all due respect, I don't feel this is a good response.
I think there were some decent ideas in there, eg. "boys being inherently genetically advantaged", but you spun the argument to be against girls, ie. "hence girls would be a burden on the boys and the audience", instead of advocating for fairness and safety for the girls or something along those lines.
If I were you, I'd do some research (including watching an Australia vs New Zealand netball match, should be on tonight I think!) and re-write this piece and see how you go. Much to think about!
Yeah, like pi said, it's a difficult argument of women and men sports, might need quite some study by actually watching them instead of just personal opinion and quick google searches to get some reasonable arguments :)
Your argument should, while also appealing to males, appeal to females, your text was very one sided in the matter and might seem very biased, by only pointing out the very obvious of evidence and flaws. Not only time limit is important, but the evidence you give, an evidence not many people notice can be very strong while something just about anyone with a working brain can find won't give you many marks :)
This might have been brought up in the past while I was away but some of the vocabulary seems kinda forced, I can see it has gotten much better now from the last time I read one of your essays but it still lingers here and there :) sometimes simple is better than having a word that just feels out of place, even when you read books they make sure they don't have an excessive amount of difficult language to ensure an easy read and allowing people to understand easier.
Also a personal tip, try agreeing against the norm sometimes if you can quickly think of a few ideas, examiners might be impressed by seeing something they won't usually and get a surprise, I wasn't able to do this with my one In my exam since the argument we got was about having better food labelling and I would seem like an idiot living under a rock if I disagreed to that, but just my personal tip
GL in your exam
I'll take your advice and re-write this piece using fair arguments, nevertheless I can't confirm that it will be much better than this one in terms of quality since it is 6 in the morning. However, I will put all my effort into it.
I dunno how to react
GOT AN OFFER INTO MELBOURNE HIGH DOTHGBG,SIQIVODQNFG VID, W
I dunno how to react
I haven't wrote an essay in a while due to reasons I would rather keep private.
Teens should be able to buy violent video games because it is a free country, it cannot be reinforced and it will benefit the nation.
Really strapped for time and unfortunately can't read your whole piece but just a couple of quick comments because this is very similar to the topic I had in MY entrance exam haha
Hope all is well!
(you also don't have to explain your presence/absence haha!)
Couple of comments on this:
1) We're not really as "free" as you'd think we are. We should legalise cigarettes to teens because we're a "free country"? It's a slack argument and glancing through your first body para you focus on the lack of harms that video games cause. This is different to the notion of "free country" and is what should have been in your intro.
2) It can't be reinforced? Nothing can truly be reinforced, but to take the cigarette example, that's being reinforced pretty well. In fact, we have video games AT THE MOMENT with age restrictions that can't be bought without legal ID showing proof of age. Worth noting that the average age of a video-gamer is something like 30 years old, so lack of sales to teens won't hurt companies /that/ much (and even if it did, all companies that produced such games would be hit equally-ish).
Hopefully someone provides more comprehensive feedback! :)
This probably isn't that helpful, but hopefully encourages you just a bit!
I was born to fight. Like the first sentence :)I though as the gods lifted me into the air.Moments later I heard the soft matte board collide with my round base. i closed my eyes and mentally prepared myself.Closing my vision did marvels to my other senses. The regular intensity of hearing and feeling had been dramatically increased.<-- There's nothing much wrong with this, just they don't feel like they add much to the plot or interest. I felt as if I was invincible.
After being trapped under the ground for weeks, we had finally been selected. I still vividly recall the elation that enveloped all of the army as the warmth of the sun first struck upon us. It is still difficult for me to comprehend how far we've come, from our births to freedom. Who could imagine that the time of our first test had already arrived.
The legends had been correct. A voluminous voice dominated the atmospherewhile I heard the rest of the teamas we assembled. Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and stared curiously around the room. The feeling of joy and exhilaration seemed to lunge itself upon me. Turning around the room,I saw the best pieces I've met in my life. The pawns, knights, bishops, rooks and finally, the kind and the queen.Out of the blue, an abominable sight met my eyes. I soon recognised than to be the whites, our opponents.Turning, I found myself suddenly face to face with a stunning array. Our enemies. The Whites. I gritted my body as a burning desire of victory trapped me. It was time to play. Love the last two sentences, last sentence particularly. Brilliant. I really like this piece overall, keep it up! :)
I staredzestfullyat the sleek rectangular prism in my hands. Upon pressing down on the smooth tactile buttons, I was greeted with a vibrant glow. My eyes instinctively driftedtowards the upper regions ofup the glass. I can't figure out what this object is; could you be a little bit clearer about it? I can't yet see its relevance to the rest of the story. An opaque ?? mixture of anticipation and glee flooded over me. It was that time of the year again. Again: what time? A bit unclear.
I hastily undressed, sensing the adrenaline pump through my body.Soon after,I noticed the cool breeze brush over my skin. Ignoring the temptation to put some clothes on, I ran out of the door into the deck of the swimming pool.I tookTaking a deep breath, I ran as fast as my rather voluminous body could carry me.
Chatter grew, as people became alert of the strange event before them. As I sped ahead, I braced myself for the telltale voice of a staff halting my genius plan. Reminding myself of my fears inspired me to advance try to avoid 'weak' verbs like 'advance' - instead 'sprint/race all the' faster. i searched the deep blue waters of the swimming pool, hunting for a familiar face. Nobody... Aha!I thought asI spied my victim. Catching my breath, i stepped proudly onto the diving platform. This was it,all the waiting has been done.<-- Short sharp sentences often have more impact - e.g. This was it. All the waiting over. The moment had come. (or something; trying to vary sentence lengths and structures is really great in creatives, and when you're hitting a climax, short and sharp = good.) I could finally get revenge on my brother. I aimed for the unique red and blue cap and jumped.
This one definitely wasn't quite as good as the either, either in terms of plot or language; I feel like you were pushing in a couple of 'big words' again, and the plot just wasn't that clear, as in I didn't get what was going on. However, I still think it was an excellent 15 min effort! :) :)
On another note, congrats on your 100th post!
Boys and girls should not be in separate classes because doing so will decrease effectiveness of schooling, lower socialising skills and there is no reason to do so.
Firstly, dividing classes into girls and boys will harm the schooling system. A major benefit of classroom based learning compared to one on one is that it allows students to see the different perspectives on a certain matter. it is undeniable that boys and girls are different. Thus both genders will have unique takes on a subject. Understanding different perspectives is important to a successful education because it encourages students to think more openly. Hence, males and females definitely should not be split up into individual classes.
In addition, separating boys and girls in the classroom will discourage cooperation and social skills among both sexes. Schooling takes up a fourth of a student's day. If that time is only spent with their own gender, pupils will lack crucial skills important for life after school. Allowing both genders to be familiar with ways of interaction will benefit them when they are working on finding a partner. Therefore, dividing females and males into separate classes will hinder students later on.
Lastly, there is little point in separating girls and boys in lessons. Like that of every discussion, there are benefits to both sides. However, if one still wishes to let their children attend such a class, there are already boys and girls schools available. Thus, students should not be separated into individual classes based on their gender.
Boys and girls ought not to be separated into different classes because doing so will disadvantage students, such schools already exists, and such action will harm the schooling system.
Hello, 😀^^^^^^^^^^^^
Just giving you my experience of the the entrance exam. Soz if some of this is irrelevant to writing. Btw I got an offer into MHS.
The order of the tests for 2015 were as followed-
1) verbal reasoning- fairly straightforward, however there are confusing questions with a passage and asks for probablity eg least likely, less likely... Make sure you thoroughly revise the official practice tests as exact questions have shown up in the exam this year. Also, continue to expand ur vocabulary by noting down unfamiliar words in an exercise book.
2) Numerical reasoning- lots of algebra and ratio problem solving questions as well as number patterns and some magic squares. I actually found quite it easy compared to most people.
3) Persuasive Writing- Our topic this year was "Should food labelling be more strict?" Along with this topic was a small paragraph providing more info relating to the topic, which basically consists of possible arguements if you run out of ideas. As they only give you one double side piece of paper with large spacing in between to write on, if u write a lot, I would suggest to write smaller or keep it concise. Some of my friends actually ran out of space to write on.
After 3 test you get a 15 min break in between, make sure u recharge ur energy and breathe in some fresh air outside.
4) Reading Comprehension- long passages, in depth questions that you have to infer from. Don't read the entire passages but instead read questions first and skim read for key words. There are also some grammar and punctuation questions. Again, make sure you have thoroughly revised the official RC practice test as an exact passage from the pactice test showed up in this year's exam however with slightly varied questions.
5) Maths- I actually looked foward to this and knew it would be difficult according to friends who had done the test previously.
The test started off quite easy... until 35 or so, when it got a lot harder. I kid u not. Eg one of the last questions asked for the area of intersection between two parabolas. However, you should definitely know basic concepts such as Surds, Trig, linear equations, quadratic, area and volume formulas for various shapes or 3D objects.
6) Creative Writing- Our given prompt was "Imagine if you could read minds". I have noticed a trend in the creative prompts for the past two years. The 2014 creative prompt was " Imagine a world without sunlight". So don't be surprised if u get something with "Imagine..."
If u continue to improve ur writing and remain motivated, you should be able to get in MHS pretty easily. I swear, some of your persuasive pieces were better than what I wrote in the exam.😁
Honestly, probably your best response thus far! Well done! :) Although, I find it very interesting you have this view despite wanting to go to MHS :P
Things I liked:
- Written in simple and easy-to-understand vocab, you didn't use overly complex words that didn't fit in
- Fairly clear intro and clear body paragraphs
- Solid arguments, balanced and not sexist
Feedback:
Sounds a little awkward in "lower socialising skills", you might want to rephrase that. I also don't like "and there is no reason to do so" but I'll get to that whole paragraph later on.
I think this is the best para you have written to date. Ask your parents to shout you some Maccas for dinner tomorrow.
Another good para, perhaps you could expand on the "later on" part and go into a bit more detail about exactly how one will be disadvantaged (ie. careers, family and relationships, etc.). "to be familiar with ways of interaction" sounds a bit awkward too, could do with rephrasing.
I didn't like this para. I thought it didn't really say much and was quite cluttered. The opening line of a paragraph should summarise that para (as you know), however in this para I felt that line was more of a summary of the essay rather than this particular para. If you look at this para, we have four sentences:
1. Lastly, there is little point in separating girls and boys in lessons.
2. Like that of every discussion, there are benefits to both sides.
3. However, if one still wishes to let their children attend such a class, there are already boys and girls schools available.
4. Thus, students should not be separated into individual classes based on their gender.
Only sentence #3 actually adds anything to your piece, and even still, it's an argument that seems pretty weak: "people shouldn't send their children to single sex schools/classes but if they want to they already can". It's an odd argument and I don't think it has much place in this topic. I think you're misunderstanding the topic (or maybe I am!), it's saying "Should boys and girls be in separate classes?", which I read as a general question rather than a proposal for lawful enforcement of single sex education.
From sentence #2 I get the impression that this para was supposed to be a "rebuttal" one, unfortunately the rest of the para didn't reflect that at all.
As above, not buying the "such schools already exists" argument, otherwise a nice concise conclusion.
Overall, good effort! :)
Hello, 😀
Just giving you my experience of the the entrance exam. Soz if some of this is irrelevant to writing. Btw I got an offer into MHS.
The order of the tests for 2015 were as followed-
1) verbal reasoning- fairly straightforward, however there are confusing questions with a passage and asks for probablity eg least likely, less likely... Make sure you thoroughly revise the official practice tests as exact questions have shown up in the exam this year. Also, continue to expand ur vocabulary by noting down unfamiliar words in an exercise book.
2) Numerical reasoning- lots of algebra and ratio problem solving questions as well as number patterns and some magic squares. I actually found quite it easy compared to most people.
3) Persuasive Writing- Our topic this year was "Should food labelling be more strict?" Along with this topic was a small paragraph providing more info relating to the topic, which basically consists of possible arguements if you run out of ideas. As they only give you one double side piece of paper with large spacing in between to write on, if u write a lot, I would suggest to write smaller or keep it concise. Some of my friends actually ran out of space to write on.
After 3 test you get a 15 min break in between, make sure u recharge ur energy and breathe in some fresh air outside.
4) Reading Comprehension- long passages, in depth questions that you have to infer from. Don't read the entire passages but instead read questions first and skim read for key words. There are also some grammar and punctuation questions. Again, make sure you have thoroughly revised the official RC practice test as an exact passage from the pactice test showed up in this year's exam however with slightly varied questions.
5) Maths- I actually looked foward to this and knew it would be difficult according to friends who had done the test previously.
The test started off quite easy... until 35 or so, when it got a lot harder. I kid u not. Eg one of the last questions asked for the area of intersection between two parabolas. However, you should definitely know basic concepts such as Surds, Trig, linear equations, quadratic, area and volume formulas for various shapes or 3D objects.
6) Creative Writing- Our given prompt was "Imagine if you could read minds". I have noticed a trend in the creative prompts for the past two years. The 2014 creative prompt was " Imagine a world without sunlight". So don't be surprised if u get something with "Imagine..."
If u continue to improve ur writing and remain motivated, you should be able to get in MHS pretty easily. I swear, some of your persuasive pieces were better than what I wrote in the exam.😁
Hey rangercn
Congrats on getting into MHS! ;D Be sure to tell me what it's like. ;)
I'm really not sure how to respond to your post. But rest assured, it'll help me tremendously!
The thing is, I'm having trouble with the motivation right now, any tips on staying motivated?
Thanks!
Ahah, I know how you feel. I remember during the few months before the test, I lost a lot of motivation along the way. :P For motivational tips, it really depends on you, as a person, but considering I didn't really enjoy my time at my current school, I always went to remind myself how much I actually wanted to get in, and what life would be like if I didn't get in.
Occasionally I even slapped myself (lightly, of course, ehe.. ._.') to remind me of how much I wanted it, but I really don't recommend this... xD (God, now I sound insane...)
For myself, I always associated myself with things involving the school/s I was trying for, to continue motivating myself, like with friends who were also trying out for the test, or finding forums online about the test. (Which is why I ended up here, haha :D)
But really, having lots of people being in the same boat as you are, as well as great expectations from parents is what motivated me most; not only doing this for myself, but for others, too. I know its hard to keep motivation when the test is like, a year away for you, but hang in there; it'll be worth it. :D
What schools do you plan on trying out for? :)
Hi!
For me, motivation mainly comes from imagining what success feels like and indulging on what the school offers me. ;) I sound a little insane myself with the latter. :P
Anyway, I'm only trying out of MHS. I would prefer so, so much more to get into MHS than the others. To put it in another perspective, if it was out of 100% (100% for most want to get in). Nossal would be 16%, Suzanne Cory 19% and the rest MHS.
LOL, I should really learn how to combine posts, quotes, I think you know what I mean. Combine replies. Yes that's it. :D
What about you?
Ahah, I know how you feel. I remember during the few months before the test, I lost a lot of motivation along the way. :P For motivational tips, it really depends on you, as a person, but considering I didn't really enjoy my time at my current school, I always went to remind myself how much I actually wanted to get in, and what life would be like if I didn't get in.
Occasionally I even slapped myself (lightly, of course, ehe.. ._.') to remind me of how much I wanted it, but I really don't recommend this... xD (God, now I sound insane...)
For myself, I always associated myself with things involving the school/s I was trying for, to continue motivating myself, like with friends who were also trying out for the test, or finding forums online about the test. (Which is why I ended up here, haha :D)
But really, having lots of people being in the same boat as you are, as well as great expectations from parents is what motivated me most; not only doing this for myself, but for others, too. I know its hard to keep motivation when the test is like, a year away for you, but hang in there; it'll be worth it. :D
What schools do you plan on trying out for? :)
Hello!
Been a while hasn't it? Today, randomly, I decided to post the essay.
I'm not sure. Just had an urge to do it.
Anyway, the topic was:
Should smoking be allowed at parks and other outdoor public venues?
I wrote this in 14 minutes and 40 seconds.
During this 'retire' time I've improved a lot on the speed.
Here it is! As always, feedback will be heavily appreciated. Especially after this long. XD
Just to chime in, there's a distinction between using inclusive language and putting forward your opinion with personal pronouns. The former generally involves the use of 'our' and 'we' to bring the audience on the same side as the writer and is something you should definitely try to employ. The latter is something you want to avoid for reasons you might already know.
For instance, if you described smoking as damaging our environment, you position the reader to consider how the act is of detriment to something that they have ownership over, prompting them to want to take a defensive stance.
On the other hand, if you said "I think that smoking can be pretty bad and makes nature look ugly", your argument is weakened as it seems like you're trying to force your opinion down other people's throat. Similarly, if you said "my family never smokes because it can lead to lung cancer", you are not offering any material that can actually persuade someone that is reading your work. Put simply, you are not appealing to logic nor to emotion, and simply putting forward your opinion without having the goal of persuasion.
Hopefully this clears up the difference between the two for you.
On the subject of the health hazard expansion, I was trying to go for a devil's advocate sort of thing, on the terms that if that topic showed up in the MHS test, the examiner would probably have read hundreds of health hazard arguments and therefore won't mark it as high. Although I do see how expanding as a health hazard would improve the overall flow of things.Originality is a great idea - do strive for it, but not at the expense of a strong argument. A strong but cliche argument is better than a weak but unusual argument. Maybe it's unusual for a reason!
Also, with the
wreck the landscape and is be extremely risky
It's 'be'!!! I didn't know that!
Actually?!?!
Guess you learn something new everyday. :D
Originality is a great idea - do strive for it, but not at the expense of a strong argument. A strong but cliche argument is better than a weak but unusual argument. Maybe it's unusual for a reason!
Sorry for picking on a fine grammar point, I rarely do :PUnintelligible discourse on grammar
... because allowing so will promote smoking, pollute the landscape and is a huge risk.
So you've said there are three things doing this will cause, right?
1. will promote smoking
2. will pollute landscape
3. is/will be a huge risk
You can then either have:
will promote smoking, pollute the landscape and be a huge risk - the first 'will' covers all three of your chunks
OR
will promote smoking, will pollute the landscape, and is/will be a huge risk - each individual chunk has their own 'verb'
So if you have the first, shorter version, each 'chunk' would have to make sense if it was put directly after the 'will', since the 'will' kinda 'covers' that chunk. If you're putting multiple chunks under the umbrella of that 'will', you should be able to swap them round in any order. So imagine you switched the order of your three chunks, and put 'is a huge risk' directly after 'will' - you'd get 'will is a huge risk'. Wonky, right? But 'will BE a huge risk' works.
I don't like your use of "quality snacks". Why not say "more appealing healthy snacks" is that's what you mean? (I'm not sure what you mean by "quality")
I don't like your use of "quality snacks". Why not say "more appealing healthy snacks" is that's what you mean? (I'm not sure what you mean by "quality")After reading guide that Bangali recently referred me to on conciseness, I feel that 'quality' would be the better choice for just that reason..?
After reading guide that Bangali recently referred me to on conciseness, I feel that 'quality' would be the better choice for just that reason..?
;D
Hello! :)
I didn't write an essay yesterday because I HAD to go shopping from the whole morning to the afternoon and after, I went to see a movie with a friend. After that I was tired and I just started reading until I went to sleep. 8)
...
No kidding, I think I'll take tomorrow off, considering it is the last day of the holidays. ;)
After reading guide that Bangali recently referred me to on conciseness, I feel that 'quality' would be the better choice for just that reason..?
What do you think the word 'holidays' means? :o As in... you think... you should be allowed a moment from your books just because it's holidays!?!
Next holidays (and why not during the school term? ;)), give yourself more than a day off please.
The point of conciseness is to remove any 'fluff' that doesn't add anything to your message, but that does not mean compromising specificity because that's taking something out of your message. It's like compressing a jpeg to really low quality - you lose something. 'Quality' doesn't show the way they're good - healthy? tasty? visually appealing? made from high-quality expensive ingredients rather than homebrand? etc. Being more specific is always a plus, because it shows you're thinking deeper and ends up crystal clear and helpful - and inevitably takes more words.
The thing is, I want to work hard, to be productive during the holidays, but I get sidetracked extremely easily. :P
Honestly, I only spent like 2, occasionally 3 hours a day doing actual study/work in the holidays, and the rest I procrastinated. ::)
Anyway, you've put a smile on my face. ;D
Thanks :P
Cities should offer a bike sharing program because doing so will boost the economy, financially assist the cities and decrease pollution. I think financially assist and boosting the economy are pretty (too?) similar. In my first read, I wasn’t really sure what the difference was.
Firstly, cities definitely ought to provide a bike sharing program because Kind of nit-picky, but this is nearly the same as your introduction it will help ‘help’ sounds weak, maybe something like ‘provide the economy with the (help/assistance) it needs’ alternatively, I’m pretty confident that ‘increase economic growth’ is also applicable. the economy. If pretty passive – try ‘when’; it sounds more assertive and confident such a program is established, people will be more inclined to travel around the city why?. While doing this, one is likely to spend money on food, tourist destinations and services such as shoe cleaning this is a lot more specific than your other arguments; ‘Other services provided in the city’ might fit better.A portion of this money will be taxed and the city will receive some of itThe city will see a significant increase tax revenue from these transactions. Hence, cities should offer a bike sharing program.
In addition, cities undoubtedly should Word order? If I were speaking it, I'd say 'should undoubtedly'provide a bike distributing service because doing so can pretty passive, try 'will' raise money. Since bikes are relatively large, advertisements can be utilised on these bikes. All this ad revenue will add up to financially help the city. I’m not sure with this paragraph, it’s pretty short and general. I’d nearly merge it with the first one or change the argument to ‘a bike distribution service will increase exposure of advertisements to the public’, because there’s lots more you can talk about with ads.
Lastly, cities ought to offer a bike sharing program because such a program will reduce pollution Classic strong argument, I like it. Pollution is harmful to the environment and cities are notorious for generating a lot of carbon emissions Clear, concise, and strong. Sweet phrase. due to most people driving instead ofsay, unnecessary. If you really want that slight pause, go for something less colloquial. walking or biking. The public will prefer to bike if an option is provided why?. Thus cities should offer a bike sharing service.
Cities unequivocally nice word should offer a bike sharing program because it will help fund the city, decrease pollution and financially help ‘aid’ might sound better the government.
Your vocabulary is varied and pretty much spot on (considering you’re in year 7 (I think?) there’s nothing to complain about. Seriously, colour me impressed ;) ) First and third arguments are solid; not sure if it was intentional, but ordering your paragraphs the way you did made it more persuasive (imo) because you started and ended strongly. Great job.
The green corrections look a lot more friendly than the red.
How do they compare to blue? 8)
"Bang!"aAn ear-piercing gunshot erupted inside the bank. A cacophony of loud, commanding voices Whose? and petrified screams followed. Thomas leaped* in aspazemSpasm? It's okay, spelling it hard :'( of fear. A natural instinct awakened inside of him, Maybe more build up for the flight or flight response - he chose the latter. In a wild dash for safety, Thomas scrambled behind a shaggy red couch Located where in relation to him? Why was the couch safe? These questions will help space out your events and moderate the pace. For depth, consider something like 'does 'red' represent anything?', or 'why is the couch shaggy?'.
A second gunshot was fired, raising the panic. Thomas clutched at his chest. Adrenalin exploded within his body. His heart was beating like thethummingHumming? Thrumming? Thrum? wings of a caged bird is this a metaphor or symbol intentionally? It reads like it is. , demanding Thomas Him? to act. His breath quickened, accelerating to a point whereit seemed as ifhe felt like, he appeared as though, etc. (I thought 'seemed' didn't fit well, but feel free to ignore this one) he was hyperventilating. Out of the blue in contrast (juxtaposition?) to the red couch, or a coincidence? ::), the noisevanishedCeased, stopped. I don't know about you, but I can't see noises ;). Anticipation and dread so, nervous excitement? Anxiety? seemed to pollute the room. Thomas gasped. For abriefNot necessary, but not bad. Alters the pace and contrasts a bit with 'time freezing', but can't hurt to keep moment, time froze as he entered a parallel universe, a universe where he did not have to think, where he did not have to feel. (Also negligible, but including an anaphora would be a nice way to consider literary devices while you write**
Concurrently Word choice? Doesn't really fit with everything else. I do like the word though, a large figure holding a gun towered over Thomas.
* Reeeally nitpicky (as always ;) ), but 'leaped' sounds slower and more clunky than 'leapt' (imo, I'm not a linguist). In a piece where the pace is pretty important (like this one, it adds to suspense or action, as well as a few other things), I'd opt for leapt even though I think leaped looks better. I don't think that kind of choice would even be assessed though, it's more of a preference thing. (also, relevant-ish grammarist article)
** (deliberately or not) taking Literary devices into account when you're writing can boost the quality of your work by a lot. Casual challenge for your next piece, if you choose to accept it, is to intentionally incorporate three literary devices. (For example, diatribe, simile and metaphor)
I think the answer to think can be determined by an intense game of Rock Paper Scissors, best two out of three? <3
I had my saxophone exam on saturday. While that doesn't seem like much of a big deal.
The thing is, I've never done an instrumental exam before (AMEB I'm talking about) and I get really nervous.
Saxophone is also the FIRST instrument I've played, so I had no experience with music related stuff, which made me feel like I was going to crash and burn during the test. Above that, I only started this year and my teacher suggested I skip to grade 2. So I was skipping preliminary and grade one for a exam I have no experience with and I was pretty unconfident with my skills. Nevertheless I spent like half of every day practising/cramming for the ameb saxophone exam.
And of course, fate had to add fuel to the fire (lol). Besides my saxophone exam, I also had an english exam and a science test.
So yeh...
Hello!
I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of weeks and I've decided.
That I'm going to postpone this thread until possibly christmas.
This is due to a lot of reasons but mainly because, I want to focus on my school grades and the entire section is pretty idle at the moment.
Thanks for understanding. ;) :) :P :-[ ??? ::) 8)
Hello! :P :-[
So.....Long time no see.....
I could list the excuses for my absence for days but the main reason would be a lack of motivation, and a lack of enthusiasm through the whole section. Not trying to divert the blame mind you, it IS my fault.
I really do appreciate the words of encouragement. I've been neglecting this site for months now. Recently, as the tests are drawing closer, I've had an overshadowing urge to return to ATARNotes. The news today finally did it for me...I have been offered an interview.
Before you deem me mad and tell me the test hasn't crawled upon us yet, I have to say that this isn't an interview for Melbourne High (obviously). During my vacation from this forum, I have not forgotten about the test. In preparation for the Selective School Examination, my parents decided to give me a 'realistic practice test' by making me do the scholarship test for Camberwell Grammar. I agreed with this idea and just a fortnight ago, I completed the test. If you wish for me to tell you about it, feel free to ask, although it's probably off topic and I can't fully recall the exam. ANYway, today, my mother called me and told me I had been offered an interview and it was going to be next week on monday (29th).
Hopefully, that clears things up a bit.
On a different note, how is Melbourne High? Dat1Guy? Are the teachers good? Are your classmates annoying (lol)? What do you enjoy most? Anything else?
So yeh...Hi guys XD ;)
-PixelGraphicsful
I'm smart like always, started Japanese this year and I'm taking it to VCE, the 99.95 will mean more if I manage it with these conditions
Such modesty :PIkr
Hello all!
I know I've been extremely silent for the past few/many months. :-\
But I would just like to say that everyone who have spent their time helping me correct and discuss these essays are AMAZING!
:D ;D 8)
Thank you ATARNOTES
~Pixelgraphicsful