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HSC Stuff => HSC Marking and Feedback => HSC Subjects + Help => Marking Thread Archives => Topic started by: brenden on March 16, 2015, 03:52:57 pm

Title: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: brenden on March 16, 2015, 03:52:57 pm

If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for us to mark!

Hey everyone!! Welcome to the English Standard Module Marking Thread. This thread is here for you to get feedback on your Standard module essays from a Band 6 student. This resource exists to help you guys make huge improvements on your essay writing... Too often, teachers just write "good" or "needs explaining" or "expand". SUPER. FRUSTRATING. This is a place to properly improve :) :) :)

Before posting, please read the essay marking rules/rationale here.

Post away, and happy studies!! ;D ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: BladeWing3248 on June 19, 2015, 12:34:40 am

Hey Brenden,

this is my close study essay, written on The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender. Written under pressure, i got 11/15. Just wondering if you had any tips on making it stronger? As well as any just general tips?

Thanks!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: brenden on June 19, 2015, 02:10:54 pm

Distinctive ideas are at the heart of every novel

In your view, what distinctive ideas are explored in The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender? Explain how they are developed throughout the text.

My first take on this prompt is that it's quite friendly and open. I.e., it doesn't lock you in to discussing one particular theme, like "Discuss corruption within TLACOFL". It just says, "what are the distinctive ideas?" and then, "Take those ideas, how are they developed?", which gives you a lot of freedom to write on different ideas that you're either quite comfortable with, or know will help you score well. We'll see how you approach the prompt through your essay :).

(Spoiler here so I don't need to refer to word doc to see the essay without my own feedback).

Spoiler

Quote

The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender is a hard-boiled detective novel, written by Marele Days. Day creates a distinctive and original novel through its subversion by using a female detective. This allows her to challenge traditional social values, and comment on the gender assumption associated with the genre. Day also creates distinctive ideas, through her exploration of facades, corruption and the importance of new technology within her era. Through the inversion of the detective, and the use of traditional hard-boiled tropes, Day creates a sense of duality within the novel through the contrasting voices of Harry Lavender, and Claudia, and through this, Day manages to create a distinctive hard-boiled novel.

In the hard-boiled genre, male detectives are the traditional protagonists. Raymond Chandler, archetypal author of the hard-boiled genre, wrote in The Simple Art of Murder, “The detective in this kind of story must be such a man,” reflecting Day’s distinctive ideas about inverting the traditional male detective’s gender. The traditional hard-boiled detective voice conveyed in the beginning, “close to the bed was a bottle of Jack Daniels: empty. And an ashtray: full,” is quickly juxtaposed and inverted as it is revealed that the detective is a female, “Next time, I shook him, ‘C’mon mate, its time to wake up.’” The intertextual references to golden age female detectives, “thinks she’s Angela Lansbury,” and the original male hard-boiled detectives, “I could never understand Philip Marlowe and those guys,” illustrates the unique and individual persona Day has managed to create through her subversion of the gender roles of the protagonist. Through the subversion of the male detective, Day succeeds in challenging traditional gender roles, depicting a strong lead character, who manages to maintain her femininity throughout the novel.

The idea of the duality of technology throughout The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender depicts the popularity and experience that is generated within society. Set in the 1980’s, a time of great technological advancement, Day creates distinctive ideas through her depiction of the dichotomy of technology. It is expressed through Harry Lavender’s idiosyncratic extracts, “I stand on top of my city and see the shape of the future. It is a circuit board.” The ironic use of technology as Harry Lavender’s hired killer for Mark Bannister; “a way of killing someone by altering their pacemaker,” and what Harry Lavender eventually depends on for his own life; “The man who perpetuated his Life and Crimes through technology now depended on technology for his very breath,” illustrates Day’s concept of the prominence of technology. This idea is then continued throughout the novel, “Are computers alive?’ It puts forward the view that computers are the new life form,” further heightening societies deterrent view on the distinctive idea of “technical immortality and human mortality.”

Throughout The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender, Day depicts the facades portrayed throughout the book, illustrating the idea that everyone has something to hide. This is mainly conveyed through the dual voices, contrasting voices of Claudia and Harry Lavender. “The people in the street never look up. If they raised their eyes just a little they would see the history of the city. Just above the glass facades are older facades.” Harry’s distinct voice throughout the novel, creates the idea of the entire city being a façade, portraying the fact that the ordinary people do not see his city, they only see the perfect outside, not the corruption underneath. Claudia, however, does see the corruption, “an amusement park with a plaster grin, its painted lips the entrance to a labyrinth of company titles in which the real owner hid,” illustrating the deep deception rooted within the city and the innocent façade it exhibits to the average citizen. Not only does Day portray the city as a façade, she also portrays Sally Villos as a façade all her own, “she put make-up on, painted a red smiling mouth, drew lines that defined the beautiful dark eyes.” By originally illustrating Sally as an emotional girlfriend, Day convinces the audience of Sally’s duality, “She was a child of this city. The child of Harry Lavender.” Through the deep concept of facades, Day creates the idea of corruption within the city and it’s people and the images surrounding them.

The corruption within the city of Sydney is ever present within The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender. “…The innocence of a time past, before the stench of Harry Lavender. But the stench had always been there,” the extended metaphor of ‘the stench of Lavender’ conveys the extent of Harry’s corruption within and around the city. Throughout the novel, the conflicting voices of Claudia and Harry, conceive their relationship as a cat and mouse game, portraying them a complete opposites, one will win and one will lose. “I had been caught up in his maze, looking for the piece of the cheese,” the epiphany that Claudia has, realising she is the one being controlled by Harry Lavender is confirmed through the reach of Harry’s corruption, “now I plan and it’s someone else’s finger on the trigger.” Harry Lavender is soon proven to not be immortal, as he hoped he once was, “Lavender’s in a coma. He’s not expected to last the night.” However, through his death before the publication of his biography, Harry Lavender seemingly ‘won’ against Claudia, ‘The big fish get away.” Through the depiction of Harry Lavender seemingly ‘winning’ against Claudia, Day creates a distinctive novel, by using the ideas of facades and corruption in unison.

The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender, is a distinct and innovative novel that discusses the powerful ideas of gender assumption and bias. Day is able to achieve this through a modern based narrative style utilising Claudia Valentine as the subverted detective, creating a comment on the traditional hard-boiled genre. The truth and meaning behind many facades, including both the city and Sally Villos, the dichotomous portrayal of technology and the corruption illustrated throughout the city, all come together to create the distinctive ideas at the heart of this novel.

The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender is a hard-boiled detective novel, written by Marele Days. Day creates a distinctive and original novel through its subversion subversion of what? by using a female detective. This allows her to challenge traditional social values, and comment on the gender assumption associated with the genregood. Day also creates distinctive ideas, through her exploration of facades, corruption and the importance of new technology within her era. Through the inversion of the detective, and the use of traditional hard-boiled tropes, Day creates a sense of duality within the novel through the contrasting voices of Harry Lavender, and Claudia, and through this, Day manages to create a distinctive hard-boiled novel.
Not a bad intro at all! I've highlighted your opening sentence in red, because I think this is the biggest area of improvement. If you wrote this under pressure, then you've actually done a decent job. Your intro introduces a few distinct ideas (see what I did there?) and it's clear that you're going to be talking about a few different things. What I'd like in the first sentece is something "big". Like a "wow" factor. A lot of people will generally start their essays with something like "In the novel, <novel name>, written by <author>, something happens". Or in your case, just the name of the book and the name of the author. Why do we write like that? I mean... what value do those sentences add? You know?
The reason these sentences happen, is because we've been taught since Year 9 "gotta mentioned the author and the title in your intro" so everyone's like "alright lol better be the first sentence, because I need the rest for talking about ideas", and so we end up with these shitty boring sentences that are completely purposeless. However, one easy way to boost marks is by having a few "go to" sentences about the book. Now, I am absolutely not advocating that you memorise essays; however, you will find that if you start to use sentences like I'm about to show you, you'll use the same ones naturally, because they'll be relevant across a wide range of different essays. Basically, these sentences will be a slight bit longer, and be a lot more meaningful. Their purpose is to act as foreplay, really. It's a teaser for the assessor that says "look how good my first sentence is - the rest of my essay is going to be even better!". That's the imapct we're trying to have, and that's why it will boost marks - because it will give a better first impression, and first impressions count.
Something like "Whilst the Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender poses as a hard-boiled detective novel, Marele Days utilises the work as a scatching social commentary on the role and perception of gender in society."
You could even follow this up with something like "Subsequently, the novel explores a multitude of distinctive and challenging ideas, such as [ x], [y], [z]." And then you can start to offer more specific details on your paragraph ideas, as you already have done.
Now, the reason I say that you can half-prepare sentences like this is because they're structurally very similar. Notice that I say "Whilst", and then ", Marele Days utilises". When you put the author and a verb together, good things happen. And the reason I say "Whilst" is because it forces a student to say something. You can't use the word "whilst" and then just finish a sentence: it spurns you on. So you could say "Whilst <novel name> <looks like this>, it is in fact <deep idea that looks impressive to an assessor>." Start trying this method! You can even write a few just by themselves and then see how they apply to the essay. Basically, these first two sentences sort of act as a statement of your contention. "THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT THE NOVEL!", and then the rest of your introduction should be about briefly unpacking that contention and offering a preface to WHY that's your contention, and then the rest of the essay further unpacks the introduction.
Feel free to post a couple of sentences in this thread and we can work through them together :). I think if you could do that, your intro would be much better.

In the hard-boiled genre, male detectives are the traditional protagonists. Check out my advice on topic sentences . Raymond Chandler, archetypal author of the hard-boiled genrehe's the author of the archetypal novel. Saying he's the archetypal author seems a bit strange, wrote in The Simple Art of Murder, “The detective in this kind of story must be such a man,” reflecting Day’s distinctive ideas about inverting the traditional male detective’s gender. The traditional hard-boiled detective voice conveyed in the beginning, “close to the bed was a bottle of Jack Daniels: empty. And an ashtray: full,” is quickly juxtaposed and inverted as it is revealed that the detective is a female, “Next time, I shook him, ‘C’mon mate, its time to wake up.’” The intertextual references to golden age female detectives, “thinks she’s Angela Lansbury,” and the original male hard-boiled detectives, “I could never understand Philip Marlowe and those guys,” illustrates the unique and individual persona Day has managed to create through her subversion of the gender roles of the protagonist. Through the subversion of the male detective, Day succeeds in challenging traditional gender roles, depicting a strong lead character, who manages to maintain her femininity throughout the novel.Cool. I actually like a lot of things abotu this paragraph. When you aren't quoting, and you're analysing (juxtaposition, inversion all that bullshit), you're expressing yourself really well, and the analsysis is good. The quotes are also decent(ish); however, they're too long and too often, and it takes away from the paragraph and, more importantly, it cramps your analysis. This is when a teacher would write "expand". I want you to, in detail, really EXPLAIN, like I'm an idiot, how the author is subverting gender roles (which you've done, through juxtaposition etc), but also WHY she is doing it - because of her views and values. I.e., write things like "She condemns" and "She laments" some facet of gender roles. That is, "In positioning her protagonist has highly physical and agreessive, she condemns societal prejudice that would position women as meek and passive." (and then maybe you go on to talk more about her social commentary and how she juxtaposes male and female expectations bla bal bla). Again, go about half way down of this post and you'll see I've used a spoiler and contained one of my own paragraphs. Read that part of the feedback on that person's esssay, because it explains what I mean by the proportion of quotes/explain analysis.

The idea of the duality of technology throughout The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender depicts the popularity and experience that is generated within society. Set in the 1980’s, a time of great technological advancement, Day creates distinctive ideas through her depiction of the dichotomy of technology. It is expressed Generally, try and rephrase "ed" words to "es" words. Like, "explores" over "explored". "Day explores" is much nicer sounding than "it is explored". When you find yourself writing "ed" words, STOP!! And try to rephrase in a punchier way.through Harry Lavender’s idiosyncratic extracts, “I stand on top of my city and see the shape of the future. It is a circuit board.” The ironic use of technology as Harry Lavender’s hired killer for Mark Bannister; “a way of killing someone by altering their pacemaker,” and what Harry Lavender eventually depends on for his own life; “The man who perpetuated his Life and Crimes through technology now depended on technology for his very breath,” illustrates Day’s concept of the prominence of technology. This idea is then continued throughout the novel, “Are computers alive?’ It puts forward the view that computers are the new life form,” further heightening societies deterrent view on the distinctive idea of “technical immortality and human mortality.”
So, look at all the blue, and look at all the red. You've introduced one idea, something about technology, and then you've tried to 'prove' the idea through quoting a TONNE of stuff relating to that idea. However, you don't necessarily want to 'prove' ideas in this way, more than you want to 'explore' them. You want to flesh out quotes and explain to the reader why and how they relate to the idea that you've put forward. However, here, you'll notice that the only real 'explaining' you do is coloured in red, and that stuff is only in your essay for the quotes to make grammatical sense. You want way more red. Currently, you're making the reader do the work for you, by giving them the quotes, and expecting THEM to analyse how it relates to technology. I know this is so tempting, becaues CLEARLY the quotes you're putting forward relate to technology ---- what is there for you to even epxlain?!?!?! ... I know it's hard, but just pretend like you're writing to a four year old and explain your quotes a bit more. This is, after all, a close study. You're meant to study the next, not show off parts of the text through quoting. This relates to the first paragraph's feedback as well. PLEASE click the link i provided and read my explanation from the other guy's essay. You need to strip back your quoting a little bit and 'explore' with more patience the stuff you're talking about. I know you were under pressure, but it's going to take a lot of discipline to make the right calls under pressure (i.e., take a bit of time to explain) rather than giving into the temptation of juts quoting a bunch of stuff. Don't worry, I used to have this issue too :)

Throughout The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender, Day depicts the facades portrayed throughout the book, illustrating the idea that everyone has something to hide. This is mainly conveyed through the dual voices, contrasting voices of Claudia and Harry Lavender. “The people in the street never look up. If they raised their eyes just a little they would see the history of the city. Just above the glass facades are older facades.” Harry’s distinct voice throughout the novel, creates the idea of the entire city being a façade, portraying the fact that the ordinary people do not see his city, they only see the perfect outside, not the corruption underneath. Claudia, however, does see the corruptionThis most recent stuff in green is better. You've got at least a full sentence dedicated to explaining before you quote again, which is better than the last paragraph. this is more what i want you to do, “an amusement park with a plaster grin, its painted lips the entrance to a labyrinth of company titles in which the real owner hid,” illustrating the deep deception rooted within the city and the innocent façade it exhibits to the average citizen. Not only does Day portray the city as a façade, she also portrays Sally Villos as a façade all her own, “she put make-up on, painted a red smiling mouth, drew lines that defined the beautiful dark eyes.” By originally illustrating Sally as an emotional girlfriend, Day convinces the audience of Sally’s duality, “She was a child of this city. The child of Harry Lavender.” Through the deep concept of facades, Day creates the idea of corruption within the city and it’s people and the images surrounding them.
See the "blue-red-blue" at the end of the paragraph? That's what we don't want. (not leaving extensive feedback at htis para, would like to keep reading)
The corruption within the city of Sydney is ever present within The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender. “…The innocence of a time past, before the stench of Harry Lavender. But the stench had always been there,” the extended metaphor of ‘the stench of Lavender’ conveys the extent of Harry’s corruption within and around the city. Throughout the novel, the conflicting voices of Claudia and Harry, conceive their relationship as a cat and mouse game, portraying them a complete opposites, one will win and one will lose. “I had been caught up in his maze, looking for the piece of the cheese,” the epiphany that Claudia has, realising she is the one being controlled by Harry Lavender is confirmed through the reach of Harry’s corruption, “now I plan and it’s someone else’s finger on the trigger.” Harry Lavender is soon proven to not be immortal, as he hoped he once was, “Lavender’s in a coma. He’s not expected to last the night.” However, through his death before the publication of his biography, Harry Lavender seemingly ‘won’ against Claudia, ‘The big fish get away.” Through the depiction of Harry Lavender seemingly ‘winning’ against Claudia, Day creates a distinctive novel, by using the ideas of facades and corruption in unison.

The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender, is a distinct and innovative novel that discusses the powerful ideas of gender assumption and bias. Day is able to achieve this through a modern based narrative style utilising Claudia Valentine as the subverted detective, creating a comment on the traditional hard-boiled genre. The truth and meaning behind many facades, including both the city and Sally Villos, the dichotomous portrayal of technology and the corruption illustrated throughout the city, all come together to create the distinctive ideas at the heart of this novel.

IN SUMMARY/things to work on:

Analysis/ideas are good
Quoting is too much
Quoting is too long

I think I've explained what I mean by there being too much quotes and too little analysis. But in general, with lengths of quotes, if you can integrate quotes into your sentence in "a fancy manner" and just keep it to a "few words", then it will "read much better than if you placed one enourmous quote from the book in your sentence" and then "followed it up with another pretty big quote".

Take the relevant parts of the quotes. I.e.,

Day presents technology in <some way>, using the "circuit board" to symbolise....

Rather than leaving chunks of quotes all over the place. This will also save you writing time!!!! because you can write less words for your quotes and have more seconds/minutes to write better analysis.

Let me know if you've got questions or anything like that!! :) :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: hsceebz on June 19, 2015, 03:25:29 pm

Stasiland shows us that it is not possible to determine objective Truth. People must decide the Truth for their own individual selves. Do you agree?

In Anna Funder’s historical narrative “Stasiland”, hardship and lies are portrayed as abundant in the former German Democratic Republic (GDR). The controlling and knowledge-hungry Stasi, whom were the powerhouse of the socialist government, led to a country full of deceit, confusion, and copious amounts of pain. As Funder examines the newly-set-free lives of its citizens, she demonstrates that, due to the wildly different opinions of what occurred in this “land gone wrong”, it is impossible to determine objective truth irrespective of whether it exists or not. Funder highlights the rampant trauma in the GDR to demonstrate that not only should truth be determined on a personal level for victims to achieve closure, but that this truth should be refreshed and remain unforgotten in the country as a sense of “Ostalgie” sweeps the united Germany.

Although Funder attempts to undercover the truth of what occurred behind “der Mauer”, Stasiland ultimately highlights the extremely subjective nature of truth. Funder interviews such a vast range of people, whom tell even more vastly ranging stories. In the midst of these, one thing can be said about almost all of the characters, including ex-Stasi men - most are claiming to be the victim. Despite the legitimate victim stories of characters such as Miriam and Julia, Herr Winz claims to be currently fighting in a new war against “the lies and misrepresentation in the western media”. Heinz and Hagen Koch both wanted an escape from the GDR and its lies, while Professor Mushroom believes that “it was so much better” in socialist East Germany. These wild juxtapositions lead one to believe that Funder, through her investigating, has resigned herself to the fact that an objective truth of the GDR and Stasi, whether actually existing or not, is not possible to determine. Whether concluding this before writing Stasiland, or discovering this throughout its writing, Funder recognises that her view too is subjective. Julia retells of her sitting a “political exam” for a “translating and interpreting course”, and although Funder knows this is also “standard practice in the west”, Funder is outraged. She later admits that she is “just oversensitised”. As a result of Funder’s own admission of bias is unique, as non-fictious historical stories are usually completely objective in nature. This only acts to intensify her position on the impossibility of objective truth.

Funder alludes multiple times to the importance of subjective, personal determination of the truth, as this is necessary to provide closure for victims of the Stasi. Although some characters have left the past behind them without much thought, such as Klaus, other characters have been actively seeking the truth. Julia finds herself in contact with a “psychotherapist” with whom she is coming to terms with her past. Although she feels “violated all over again” when revisiting her past, and a physical moving on with her life was required, she was able to deal with her demons and, as we last hear from her, she is “doing great”. Although Funder was hesitant of Miriam’s investigating of Charlie’s death as a way of being “released into a new life”, Funder emphasises that through Miriam’s pursuits of truth, and through time itself, Miriam has been able to subjectively establish the truth in her past life, and have her “strings cut”. Funder also shows the importance of this determination of truth for each individual through Klaus, as although he claims he did not and does not let the Stasi “eat [him] up” and “make [him] bitter”, his lack of dealing with his past through failing to seek his own subjective truth has turned him into a victim a second time, of nicotine and alcohol. Perhaps those like Klaus believe they are “happier and healthier in their unreal worlds”. Alongside personal closure, without the truth being sought, Funder also fears history repeating itself.

“To remember or forget - which is healthier?”. Funder finds herself battling this concept for most of Stasiland, however, due to the fact she wrote the book, leans towards remembering because of “the risk of doing it all again”. In a world where the East Germans are keen to erase every reminder of their Nazi and Communist histories, Funder as a character actively seeks out the stories of the GDR’s people, and the objective documents of the Stasi. In this way she is trying to play a small part in the battle against this past “cheap and nasty world” being coloured “golden” with “Ostalgie”. Julia believes Funder’s documentation of “normal people” and their “pasts” is “important”, although it can drive Funder herself to the bar to attempt to numb the trauma she is documenting. This documentation allows Stasiland to take the reader on a journey to allow them to experience the many subjective truths of the Stasi and GDR for themselves, as is essential for a world that is slowly eradicating the controlling and ruthless power of communism.

“Stasiland”, a story of personal experiences from the citizens of the former German Democratic Republic acts as a gateway to understanding that although no definitive objective truth of the events that happened in East Germany can be ascertained among all people, the determination of the subjective truth for each individual is extremely important. Without these individuals actively seeking the truth, they may struggle with their pain-ridden pasts, from which they could never truly separate. Additionally, if people are not reminded of the truth, over time, their views of the past may become distorted, fueling the possibility of history repeating itself again.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: brenden on June 19, 2015, 03:48:45 pm

If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here.

In Anna Funder’s historical narrative this is not the best genre to address for Stasiland; purely because it is debatable. Can you think of a better one? Try 'literary journalism'. “Stasiland” better to underline title of book. Leave the quotation marks for quotes., hardship and lies are portrayed as abundant not the best expression here. Try 'abundantly portrayed' in the former German Democratic Republic (GDR) I'm guessing you're going to write "GDR" somewhere in the body of your essay, because you have put it in brackets like this. Don't see any problem with doing this, but it can take down the sophistication of your writing by a peg or two if you try to do this in your intro.. The controlling and knowledge-hungry knowledge-hungry? Stasi, whom just leave it at 'who' were the powerhouse grammatical expression wrong here. "Stasi" is singular not plural. Try saying 'who acted as the powerhouse of the Socialist Government of the socialist government please capitalise, led to a country full of deceit, confusion, and copious amounts of pain hmm. Detect refutable exaggeration here.. As Funder examines the newly-set-free two hyphens to join 3 words? This does not make sense. I'm guessing you want to say newly set-free. Can you think of a better word than 'set-free'? lives of its citizens, she demonstrates that, due to the wildly different opinions of what occurred in this “land gone wrong”, it is impossible to determine objective truth irrespective of whether it exists or not. Funder highlights the rampant trauma in the GDR to demonstrate that not only should truth be determined on a personal level for victims to achieve closure, but that this truth should be refreshed and remain unforgotten in the country as a sense of “Ostalgie” sweeps the united Germany. really powerful way to end the intro. Got no critique here

Although Funder attempts to undercover the truth of what occurred behind “der Mauer” it's actually "die" Mauer, which I know since I'm studying 3/4 German haha, Stasiland ultimately highlights the extremely avoid these types of words. It makes what you're trying to say sound desparate and exaggerated, and thus, gives you less credibility. To the argumentative reader, the word "extremely" makes your writing parochial subjective nature of truth. Funder interviews such don't need 'such' a vast range of people, whom just 'who' tell even more vastly ranging vastly ranging? Not pleasing to the ear & does not make sense stories. In the midst of these, one thing can be said about almost all of the characters, including ex-Stasi men - most are claiming to be the victim. Despite the legitimate victim stories of characters such as Miriam and Julia, Herr Winz claims to be currently fighting in a new war against “the lies and misrepresentation in the western media”. Heinz and Hagen Koch both wanted an escape from the GDR and its lies, while Professor Mushroom believes that “it was so much better” in socialist East Germany. These wild juxtapositions lead one to believe that Funder, through her investigating, has resigned herself to the fact that an objective truth of the GDR and Stasi, whether actually existing or not, is not possible to determine. Whether concluding this before writing Stasiland underline title, or discovering this throughout its writing I had to reread this phrase to understand it. Try 'Whether concluding this during or before writing Stasiland, Funder recognises that her view too is subjective. Julia retells of her sitting a “political exam” for a “translating and interpreting course”, and although Funder knows this is also “standard practice in the west”, Funder is outraged. She later admits that she is “just oversensitised”. As a result of Funder’s own admission of bias is unique When you read this aloud, does it make sense to you?, as non-fictious it's fictitious historical stories this text is not a story. are usually completely objective in nature can you provide an example of one or two historical texts? If you do, your argument will be strengthened. This only acts to intensify her position on the impossibility of objective truth.

Funder alludes multiple times to the importance of subjective, personal determination of the truth, as this is necessary to provide closure for victims of the Stasi. Although you've already used 'although'. Try 'even though'some characters have left the past behind them without much thought, such as Klaus, other characters have been actively seeking the truth. Julia finds herself in contact with a “psychotherapist” comma with whom she is coming to terms with her past. Although she feels “violated all over again” when revisiting her past, and a physical moving on physical moving on? Write 'physical progression' instead with her life was required, she was able to deal with her demons demons? Don't think demons was mentioned anywhere in the text. Do you mean this to be a metaphorical expression, because it doesn't make sense and, as we last hear from her, she is “doing great”. Although you have used 'although' 3 times now Funder was hesitant of Miriam’s investigating should be noun investigation of Charlie’s death as a way of being “released into a new life”, Funder emphasises that through Miriam’s pursuits of truth, and through time itself, Miriam has been able to subjectively establish the truth in her past life, and have her “strings cut”. Funder also shows the importance of this determination of truth for each individual through Klaus, as do not write 'as although'. Try a semicolon. Do it would be: through Klaus; he claims... although four times now. haha he claims he did not and does not let the Stasi “eat [him] up” and “make [him] bitter”, buthis lack of dealing with his past comma through failing to seek his own subjective truth commahas turned him into a victim a second time, full-stop. He is now prone to excessive nicotine and alcohol consumption.of nicotine and alcohol. Perhaps those like Klaus believe they are “happier and healthier in their unreal worlds”. Alongside personal closure, without the truth being sought, Funder also fears history repeating itself. this sounds like an opening. Was this supposed to be the topic sentence for the following paragraph?

“To remember or forget - which is healthier?”. Funder finds herself battling this concept for most "for most" makes Stasiland sound like it is an event. It is not; it is the title of a book. of Stasiland underline, semicolon here, not commahowever, due to the fact that she wrote the book, leans towards remembering because of “the risk of doing it all again”. In a world where the East Germans write where 'most East Germans' instead are keen to erase every reminder of their Nazi and Communist histories, Funder as a character actively seeks out the stories of the GDR’s people, and the objective documents of the Stasi. In this way she is trying to play a small part in the battle against this past “cheap and nasty world” being coloured “golden” with “Ostalgie”. Julia believes Funder’s documentation of “normal people” and their “pasts” is “important”, although it can drive Funder herself to the bar to attempt to numb the trauma she is documenting. This documentation allows Stasiland underline to take the reader on a journey to allow them to experience the many subjective truths of the Stasi and GDR for themselves, as is essential for a world that is slowly eradicating the controlling and ruthless 'ruthless' is imprudently harsh in this context power of communism.

“Stasiland” prefer underlining, not quotation marks, a story of personal experiences from the citizens of the former German Democratic Republic commaacts as a gateway to understanding that although no ~~definitive~~ objective truth of the events that happened in East Germany can be ascertained among all people. Yetthe determination of the subjective truth for each individual is extremely important. Without these individuals actively seeking the truth, they may struggle with their pain-ridden pasts, from which they can never truly ~~separate~~ abandon. ~~Additionally~~ ~~if people are not reminded of the truth, over time, their views of the past may become distorted, fueling the possibility of history repeating itself again.~~ Over time, people who are not reminded of the truth may find that their views of the past become distorted...

Pretty good, with some hiccups to be careful of!

If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: dhungelsajal123 on February 07, 2016, 09:35:30 pm

Hey, thank you very much for spending your time to help me, I really appreciate it.

This is my speech that we had to do recently in class.

Thank you,
Sajal Dhungel

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: brenden on February 11, 2016, 10:48:59 am

Quote from: dhungelsajal123 on February 07, 2016, 09:35:30 pm

Hey, thank you very much for spending your time to help me, I really appreciate it.

This is my speech that we had to do recently in class.

Thank you,
Sajal Dhungel

Wait so, will you be using this speech again if you've done it already? (I.e., what type of feedback are you looking for?)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: dhungelsajal123 on February 11, 2016, 08:59:17 pm

Quote from: brenden on February 11, 2016, 10:48:59 am

Wait so, will you be using this speech again if you've done it already? (I.e., what type of feedback are you looking for?)

This is my AOS i'm planning on using for the HSC and I just needed some tips on what I could do to improve it from a low band 4 to a high band 5. Anything would be extremely helpful

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: brenden on February 16, 2016, 05:07:16 pm

Hey, really sorry on the delay! I've had a heckers busy few days over the last week.

Here's your feedback!

Spoiler

Good Morning teachers and fellow peers. Discovery is an integral part of the human experience that can be provoked by curiosity and necessity. This is explored throughout Robert Frost’s poems, Mending Wall and Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening and Vincent Van Gogh’s, Starry Night where the composers convey how an individual’s identity is moulded by discovery. Frost’s compositions demonstrate how discoveries can act as a pinnacle of self actualisation whereas Van Gogh conveys the beauty of discovery in the environment, further enhancing our identities. Discovery is proven to be a multifaceted concept that alters an individual’s perceptions of self. Strong finish to this introduction!

One tip:

Swap "ed" words for "s" words. I.e., explored -> swap for explores.

"Robert Frost explores this notion in his poems <xyx>".

It will make your writing sound stronger :). Clearly, not every single word ending with "ed" is relevant to that little trick, so use your discretion!

Curiosity is a stimulant in the process of self actualization as it has the capabilities to evoke wonder. This process is further developed through Mending Wall with the use of textual allusion. ‘Spring is the mischief in me’ is a correlation to the myth of Sisyphus and demonstrates the individual’s state before leaving the confines of conformity. Both the persona and the neighbour participate in the repetitive futile action of mending the wall as an avenue to retain isolation, highlighting their damaged states. Without discovery, change is not a viable option leading to the withering of society. They are unable to break out of the barriers the persona has created for themselves until Frost uses the rhetorical question of ‘Why do they make good neighbours?’. The composer comments that the individual’s curiosity acts as a major catalyst for the development of the persona’s understandings. This emphasises the idea This is what I meant before. Notice that if you had written this sentence as .... "The idea that the wall is a formality is EMPHASISED by...", then the sentence would be worse. Here, it's good that you've used "es". that the wall is merely a formality as the contrasting nature of ‘all pine’ and ‘apple orchard’ ensure that it is not needed. Through the protagonist’s curiosity, the audience is able to grasp the profound significance of the wall as a vain attempt to maintain individualism. Our humane desire to discover ensures the progression of relationships within society and how they shape an individual’s identity over time. These discoveries can be both unexpected or result from meticulous planning.
Good discussion of techniques here, and your writing is really clear at the moment

An individual is molded by the beauty of their surrounding environment which results with a detachment to society. Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening encapsulates this essence through symbolism. The audience are shown that understanding our environment is a catalyst of self discovery. Nature is a way for individuals to escape from society and the problems associated with it. This disconnection from society allows the persona to ponder their existence in the world, allowing their personal identity to develop without external influences. Frost further refines this through the repetitive motif of the woods. The woods are used to emphasize the isolation that the persona seeks and the fundamental need to achieve self actualization. The dramatic imagery of ‘lovely, dark and deep’ also illustrates the enticing and secluded nature of the woods. The juxtaposition of this also allows the composer to maintain that the woods provide the persona with a solitary environment to explore his hidden desires. The horse however, acts as the persona’s reality through ‘his harness bells a shake’, and brings him out of his trance of contemplation. Frost urges the audience that our environment instigates the discoveries we make and our experiences. The impromptu rediscovery of self is encouraged by the surrounding environment of an individual.

The beauty of nature is an example of the beguiling concept of discovery. This alluring nature of discovery is evident throughout Van Gogh’s painting. Throughout his illustration, he extensively uses the salience of the exaggerated, expressive and elliptical brush strokes at the centre top half of the landscape to depict discovery as an essential facet of existence. It assists individuals to grow and strengthen their connection to their spirituality. This is further exploited by the visual metaphor of the yellow stars and the moon. These aspects of the painting are a representation of the limitless opportunities waiting to be unveiled. Even though discovery in the beauty of nature is elusive, paintings are a window to our souls and help uncover our darkest of desires. In addition to this, the cool dominant use of blue in the night sky background encapsulates the many discoveries that lay hidden to be found as a result of our ignorance. To open ourselves to discoveries, Van Gogh suggests we must be willing to rely on our curiosity and pave the way for new ideals. Despite the limitless nature of discoveries, measures must be taken to uncover those hidden in plain sight.

Both composers demonstrate that an individual’s perceptions of self are shaped by the influences of meticulous and impromptu discoveries. Robert Frost elucidates throughout Mending Wall that the fundamental nature of individuals to be curious assists in uncovering new ideas about themselves whereas throughout Stopping By The Woods On A Snowy Evening, he shows that the detachment of society opens an individual to their surroundings. Vincent Van Gogh depicts the beauty of nature as a beguiling concept through his composition of Starry Night and its ability to urge individuals to wonder. Through these texts, we understand that discovery is an integral part of the human experience.

So your writing is at a good standard. Your grammar is good, your sentences are clear, and nothing makes the reader go "wait wtf??" which is actually a very good thing haha.

Your paragraphing/choice of content could mesh better. At the moment, it seems you have a series of paragraphs that are linked only by the theme of discovery, but you could otherwise delete an entire paragraph and the essay would structurally be undamanged. This means that the paragraphs aren't "connected" to each other well enough. Ideally, if you deleted a paragrpah, it would make the essay structurally worse, because the paragraph you deleted would be structurally important. Working on 'flowing' your paragraphs into one another to develop a substantive discussion of discovery would do you a lot of good I think. This would also hopefully make your ideas shine more. Don't be afraid of getting original or complex with your discussion of discovery - it will push you up, grades wise, if you can be a bit creative with your conceptual take on the context.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: katherine123 on February 16, 2016, 11:47:46 pm

Hi for module a (distinctively visual) henry lawson's short stories, my teacher said im not being specific enough in talking about the way how henry lawson visually constructs the images since all ive wrote about is the concept (harsh reality of the bush) Im not sure what the module requires student to do.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jkkke on February 27, 2016, 12:25:54 pm

Hey this is my area of study extended response for half yearlys and planning to use it for HSC.
Just seeing if my thesis is detailed enough and if the layout is correct thankyou.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: brenden on February 29, 2016, 10:48:43 am

Quote from: katherine123 on February 16, 2016, 11:47:46 pm

Hi for module a (distinctively visual) henry lawson's short stories, my teacher said im not being specific enough in talking about the way how henry lawson visually constructs the images since all ive wrote about is the concept (harsh reality of the bush) Im not sure what the module requires student to do.

So I didn't take English Standard, but looking at the syllabus for Module A (experience through language), this is what it comes up:

Spoiler

This module requires students to explore the uses of a particular aspect of language. It
develops students’ awareness of language and helps them to understand how our
perceptions of and relationships with others and the world are shaped in written, spoken
and visual language.

So I think what your teacher might be talking about is the way that he uses language to construct imagery. I.e., "the drip, drip, drip of the blood from the knife's point" gives a strong image because of the language. And that langauge isn't conceptual (like you've been talking about). So I think your teacher might be asking... how does Henry Lawson really make the image happen in the mind of the reader?

(Do you agree or am I not on the right track here? Please feel free to give me some more information on your teacher's feedback).

Quote from: jkkke on February 27, 2016, 12:25:54 pm

Hey this is my area of study extended response for half yearlys and planning to use it for HSC.
Just seeing if my thesis is detailed enough and if the layout is correct thankyou.

Hey there! For Area of Study, we have a separate section of the website with a different person to make your pieces - it's over here! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: mimi967 on February 29, 2016, 09:20:55 pm

Hi there, so we are writing a practice essay based on last years HSC question and I'm struggling to write an essay on it because I don't really understand the question. I'm doing Run Lola Run as my set text and The Lost Thing by Shaun Tan as my related text.
The question is "Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world".
Because the question doesn't start with a verb I am a little confused as to how to plan my essay.
Sorry, that was a bit confusing.
I really appreciate this.
Thanks
Emma

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 29, 2016, 11:44:23 pm

Quote from: mimi967 on February 29, 2016, 09:20:55 pm

Hi there, so we are writing a practice essay based on last years HSC question and I'm struggling to write an essay on it because I don't really understand the question. I'm doing Run Lola Run as my set text and The Lost Thing by Shaun Tan as my related text.
The question is "Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world".
Because the question doesn't start with a verb I am a little confused as to how to plan my essay.
Sorry, that was a bit confusing.
I really appreciate this.
Thanks
Emma

Hey Emma! I did some sleuthing and that isn't the question in its entirety. The question read:
Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world.Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

So we now have a verb: COMPARE. This means we need to make specific links between how distinctive images are used in one text versus the other.

So, your essay plan should start with a Thesis Paragraph. Some central argument linking to the Module of Distinctive Imagery, and how this imagery is used by composers in different ways to demonstrate their perspectives. Your intro should explain this position, identify your texts, and also talk about the rest of your essay.

Then, you need body paragraphs. These should be backups to your Thesis. For example, you could write a paragraph on how the distinct image of alienation and difference is created differently in each text, and what this gives to the responder. Each paragraph should be a new idea, backed up by evidence, which links to the main Thesis idea.

Then, a conclusion simply re-summarises your Thesis and what conclusion you have reach based on your textual analysis.

I hope this is a good start for you! Please feel free to come back with any more questions. I'm going to set up an English Standard Question Thread for queries such as this, feel free to direct future questions there! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 03, 2016, 02:29:26 pm

Quote from: amandali on March 01, 2016, 07:15:03 am

Hi can you mark my essay on The Drover's wife by Henry Lawson? thank you :)

Hi amandali! Sorry for the delay in getting this marked for you, I've popped some helpful comments throughout your essay!

Spoiler

In what ways are people and their experiences brought to life through the distinctively visual?

As Umberto Eco argues, a composer who makes use of distinctly visual language is one that relies on the image as a stimulus for critical reflection. Henry Lawson is a composer who effectively fulfils this criterion, as his astute first-hand observation and masterful use of distinctly visual language bring to life people and their experiences of bush life in the hostile and unforgiving Australian outback. In his short story, The Drover’s Wife, he employed clipped tone, vivid sensory imagery, vernacular expression and laconic language to bring to life a bush woman’s survival in a rough terrain to induce critical reflection of the reader and empathetic immersion in the character’s experience of bush life. Solid introduction, I like that you've given an overview of the author's writing style. Remember that you should talk about texts in the present tense, so, "he employs clipped tone...", rather than the past tense.

In Drover’s Wife, Lawson brings to life the experience of survival against the dangers of isolation in a barren environment through the use of vivid sensory imagery which draws reader into immediacy of her present crisis of being left alone in the bush. Remember your commas, grammar is still important even at this level, and that sentence needs some breaking up. He deliberately leaves the woman unnamed in order to construct her as a personification of all bush women who held the family together while their husbands are out “droving”. Personification isn't quite the right technique, I'd go with the idea that she is a symbol. Personification gives human traits to non-human objects. The use of stagnant imagery in “four ragged dried-up looking children” and “gaunt, sun-browned woman” depicts the dry, fatigue appearance of the drover’s wife and her children. This accentuates their lifelessness and reveals their fragility and struggle within the abrasive environment, thereby promoting sympathy in readers. Love this Technique-Quote-Effect-Audience Response process here. The barrenness of the environment is elucidated through the vivid diseased imagery of “the stunted, rotten apple trees”. The “apple trees” alludes to the biblical setting of Garden of Eden and the fact that it is “stunted” and “rotten” suggests the degradation of paradise. Hence, Lawson elucidates the hardships in the bush whilst conveying the stoicism and resilience of bush people through his powerful distinctive construction of the image of his characters living in a forbidding and hostile environment. Magnificent!

Furthermore, Lawson brings to life the distinctive experience of the isolated bush through the use of literal techniques embedded with a clipped tone in his story which avoids sentimentalising drover’s wife’s life experiences. This is exemplified by the alliteration in "no undergrowth, nothing to relieve the eye....nineteen miles to the nearest" which emphasises the visual images of distant landscape of vast emptiness and highlights the monotonous lifestyle in the isolated bush. As a result, her narrow world has stunted her growth and life-opportunity and also in finding pleasures in life. No audience impact/relevance here, you are ever so slightly slipping into recount. Be careful! This is established through the metaphor, “all her girlish hopes and aspirations have long been dead”, which conveys that her youthfulness and optimism has drained away as she braves the rough and hostile conditions of the bush. It is also marked by a fatalistic tone which expresses her sadness as she is not part of world she dreams of living in “castles in the air” because “her surroundings are not favourable to the development of her “womanly” or sentimental side of nature”. Your techniques and examples are bloody brilliant, make sure you are linking to the audience at all time! Thus, Lawson projects the distinctive experience of dangers in isolated bush into reader’s mind with his distinctive language which powerfully constructs the image of a monotonous bush that amplifies the struggles of bush people.

In addition, Lawson brings to life the central danger in the story through the use of laconic language in literal techniques which reinforces the blunt and fated nature of the drover’s wife. This is shown through the vicious image of primeval biblical snake in "an evil pair of small, bright, bead-like eyes" with an accumulation of adjectives which depicts its malevolent look and emphasises its desire to cause harm to the drover’s wife and her children. The drover’s wife mirrors Eve who has been tempted by the snake which caused her to be banished from paradise. The tragic moment of the physical cost of the battle is captured through the metaphor, “all the fierce angry light dies out of his eyes”. The fading of “angry light” suggests that the dog has lost its fighting force and succumbed to death after protecting the family which encompassed the horrifying inevitable death in the relentless environment. The diseased imagery of nature is reinforced through the use of the oxymoron “sickly daylight” in the final scene to recapture the horrifying realism of the isolated bush. Go into more detail on the 'diseased' imagery, what do you mean? Lawson describes “daylight” as “sickly” to suggest her loss of hope in leaving the desolated bush and she will be in ceaseless struggle as the encounter with snake is simply one of the life’s difficulties she must overcome. Therefore, Lawson captures the drover’s wife’s experience by creating an evocative sketch of her within the hostile environment with his distinctive language. This last paragraph is slipping into recount, make sure you are linking to the impact on the audience at all times!

Moreover, Lawson brings to life the people through the use of vernacular expression in the character’s dialogue which builds realism of their experience. This introductory sentence isn't quite as clear as your others. I'd elaborate on what you mean by "brings the people to life." The drover’s wife’s son, Tom, exclaimed “I’d like to screw their blanky necks” with coarse language which amplifies his desire to be perceived as a man by dealing with the threats to his family and also reflects the chaos and harshness of the environment he is growing up in. However, the drover’s wife refuses to put him danger and takes on the masculine role instead as shown through her dialogue “Come here at once when I tell you, you little wretch!” embedded with coarse language. This reveals her sternness in her demand with no sign of femineity hence reiterating that the harshness of the environment can toughen bush women. Her masculinity is furthered through by her reaction against the snake as shown through the active verbs such as "dashes", "snatches", and "reaches". This conjures up images of immediacy which demonstrates her fierce independence, physical strength and quick-thinking, therefore reveals her resilience and tenacity and fortitude to survive “while her husband was away”. Hence, Lawson brings to life the people and their experience whilst conveying their stoicism and resilience through his depiction of the relentless bush with his distinctive use of language. I absolutely love your vocabulary, like wow, seriously impressed!

In conclusion, Lawson has employed his distinct language to construct powerful images of bush people within the abrasive environment with particular emphasis on hardship and isolation which brings to life the people and their experience and further elucidates the stoicism and resilience of bush people. Your conclusion should have a little more meat to it. See my comment below for a suggestion.

This is a cracker of an essay. Your vocabulary is incredible, you have an excellent variety of examples with different techniques and you explain them in an extremely sophisticated way. You should be very proud of it! To improve, I think you need to do two things:

1. You need a stronger conceptual focus for your essay. At the moment, your thesis is based around the texts themselves, and how they use techniques to create powerful images for the responder. You need to abstract slightly. As an indicator, you should be able to write your Thesis statement without referencing either text. You are almost there, try hopping over to the English Advanced forums and having a read of the English Advanced Module A Guide . You are writing at the level of an Advanced student, so you might take something from it.
Essentially, I would try to blend something conceptual into your Thesis, similar to what is required in AoS. Your thesis isn't on your Prescribed Text, it is on the concept of Discovery and your text is the example. This is where you need to move your essay to to get maximum marks.
2. Make sure you are constantly discussing the impact on us as the audience. Without doing this, you slip into recount. The focus in this Module is about how the images impact on the audience, be sure this permeates through every paragraph and your Thesis.

I hope this helps! I realise that first comment is a little loaded and perhaps confusing, please let me know if you need something a little more methodical/clear! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: mimi967 on March 06, 2016, 11:17:14 pm

Hi there, I asked a question about my essay earlier- thanks for the advice about that :)
I now have a rough draft of my essay. It really is in the early stages, but I need a little help with it.
The question is at the top of the page.
Thanks so much :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: brenden on March 07, 2016, 09:08:56 pm

Quote from: mimi967 on March 06, 2016, 11:17:14 pm

Hi there, I asked a question about my essay earlier- thanks for the advice about that :)
I now have a rough draft of my essay. It really is in the early stages, but I need a little help with it.
The question is at the top of the page.
Thanks so much :)

I'll do this tomorrow!

Quote from: amandali on March 07, 2016, 06:19:03 pm

Hi i have an essay due tomorrow and im just wondering if u can check one of the paragraph of my essay thank you

Lawson brings to life the central danger in the story through the use of laconic language which reinforces the blunt and fated nature of life for the drover’s wife. This is shown through the vicious image of primeval Biblical snake in "an evil pair of small, bright, bead-like eyes". Here Lawson suggests that the drover’s wife mirrors Eve who has been tempted by the snake that causes her to be banished from Paradise. The sense of danger during the battle with the snake is emphasised by the actions of the dog, Alligator, as it “snaps” and “pulls” at the snake. The use of active verbs shows Alligator’s aggressiveness and also conveys that it is a loyal and significant companion to the family as it helps them to deal with the horrifying dangers in the relentless environment. The diseased imagery of nature is reinforced through the use of the oxymoron “sickly daylight” in the final scene which recaptures the “everlasting” and horrifying realism of the bush life. Here, Lawson describes “daylight”, something traditionally symbolic of rebirth and renewal, as “sickly” to reflect the loss of hope and to indicate that the struggle to survive against the elements is ceaseless and will not nourish or forgive. Through the use of distinctly visual, Lawson captures the drover’s wife’s experience by developing an evocative sketch of her hostile environment, which evokes sympathy in readers and prompts them to reflect on the notions of motherhood amidst the bush.

I normally wouldn't rush to mark something I saw so late at night - but thanks for participant so much in the community! This is my way of saying thanks :)

Lawson brings to life the central danger in the story through the use of laconic language which reinforces the blunt and fated nature of life for the drover’s wife Great opening sentence.. This is shown through the vicious image of primeval Biblical snake in "an evil pair of small, bright, bead-like eyes". Here Lawson suggests that the drover’s wife mirrors Eve who has been tempted by the snake that causes her to be banished from Paradise Good analysis well put. . The sense of danger during the battle with the snake is emphasised by the actions of the dog, Alligator, as it “snaps” and “pulls” at the snake. The use of active verbs shows Alligator’s aggressiveness and also conveys that it is a loyal and significant companion to the family as it helps them to deal with the horrifying dangers in the relentless environment. The diseased imagery of nature is reinforced through the use of the oxymoron “sickly daylight” in the final scene which recaptures the “everlasting” and horrifying realism of the bush life Great sentence. . Here, Lawson describes “daylight”, something traditionally symbolic of rebirth and renewal, as “sickly” to reflect the loss of hope and to indicate that the struggle to survive against the elements is ceaseless and will not nourish or forgive.Aweesome Through the use of distinctly visual, Lawson captures the drover’s wife’s experience by developing an evocative sketch of her hostile environment, which evokes sympathy in readers and prompts them to reflect on the notions of motherhood amidst the bush.Ties up the paragraph well.

I think you should be really confident for tomorrow - great paragraph!!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: dtinaa on March 08, 2016, 11:01:33 am

Hi, this is my essay for Module C Texts and Society Exploring Transitions, could you please let me know what I need to improve on? The prescribed text is Billy Elliot and the related text I chose was the poem "Father and Child" by Gwen Harwood.
I haven't written an introduction or conclusion but I have my thesis and I was given this question
Individuals venturing into new experiences may encounter obstacles, but may also gain significant rewards.
How is this evident in Stephen Daldry’s ‘Billy Elliot’ and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
So I'm not entirely sure if I have answered the question (I always struggle with this, I'm not sure why). Would you have any tips to on how I could check if I have answered the question?

Thank you!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: esther609 on March 08, 2016, 11:40:42 pm

Hey, I have my Module B Close-study text - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time Essay due this Thursday. I know it's sorta last minute thing but it would be great if you could proof read it please. Thankyou :) (the essay is out of /20)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: hannahboardman98 on March 18, 2016, 09:09:41 am

Hi, this is my English Standard essay on Wilfred Owen's poetry. We have been given our question for the half-yearly exam. The file is attached. I have written comments within my essay on things that I need assistance with. I'm actually not entirely sure that the entire essay makes sense and relates to my main thesis statement. Thank you! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: hannahboardman98 on March 18, 2016, 09:11:51 am

It is Module B-close study of text.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 18, 2016, 11:36:28 pm

Sorry guys, our regular markers in this forum have had a crazy week! hannahboardman98, esther609, mimi967 and dtinaa, I will mark all of your essays tomorrow morning and have something ready for you by lunch time. Thanks so much for posting and sorry for the delay ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2016, 12:10:32 am

Quote from: mimi967 on March 06, 2016, 11:17:14 pm

Hi there, I asked a question about my essay earlier- thanks for the advice about that :)
I now have a rough draft of my essay. It really is in the early stages, but I need a little help with it.
The question is at the top of the page.
Thanks so much :)

Hey mimi967! Sorry for the delay in getting this marked for you, I hope it helps!

Spoiler

Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world. Compare (Show how things are similar or different) how this is achieved in Run Lola Run and The Lost Thing.

Distinctively visual texts aim to leave impressions on the audience and shape the way they see and experience the world.
The Lost Thing by Shaun Tan and Tom Tykwer’s didactic film Run Lola Run, are distinctive texts which rely heavily on the use of image to offer unique perspectives on the world. In both Run Lola Run and The Lost Thing, motifs, symbols and colour, are used to create distinctive visual images. These texts both explore themes of friendship and love via visual and aural techniques and offer their audiences and readers a unique world view. Great into! Maybe expand the Thesis with an amplification, what sort of impressions on the audience? Why are we left with impressions from these sort of texts? What does a unique world view do for the audience? Some things to consider to push your intro even higher!

The concept of time is one of the key themes of Run Lola Run. Tykwer’s vision of time, illustrated through repeating images of clocks, spirals and pendulums, is ubiquitous, chaotic and restrictive. Tykwer uses a recurring image of clock faces throughout Run Lola Run to challenge the audiences’ perception of time and ultimately show its inevitability. In the opening scene of the film, Lola runs into the mouth of a pendulum clock. Try not to spend time reciting the events of the text. Blend very brief explanations with other explanatory sentences to create more powerful analysis. This pendulum ~~marks~~symbolises the constant passing of time (which is also conveyed in tracking shots of Lola throughout the film), and communicates to the audience how subjective it can be. As Lola enters the mouth of the clock she is devoured by time, foreshadowing her reoccurring lateness. Great stuff, but how does this impact on the audience perspective of the world? You mention this in your Thesis so you need to mention it in your essay!

Tykwer also uses the image of spirals, which are symbolic of the cycle of life. Lola begins her journey, entering and running through an animated spiral, expressing to the audience that she has started ‘the game’. This concept of life as a game is introduced in the opening credits of the film in which the animation is reflective of a computer game. Try not to do too much textual reference without techniques! You can talk about 'Mise En Scene', what appears on the screen, to discuss the spirals. If you can't use a technique then you are probably recounting.
Each time Lola ‘restarts’ her game she proceeds down a spiral staircase, again representing the cycle of life. In the transitional ‘red room scenes’ Lola and Manni’s sheets have a spiral pattern on them, bringing the audience back to the cycle of the game, for Lola to start again. Again, slightly too much retell here!
Spirals are continually shown to the audience reinforcing the idea that, like spirals, life is not linear, it is continuous. Each round that Lola goes through, she learns something new, growing as a character, and taking that knowledge with her to the next round. Her growth symbolises real life, in which people people are always learning - she does not make the same choices again instead, she grows, developing a new perspective of the world each time. Good explanation of symbolism, but again, be sure to link to the audience! That is what is missing to bring this essay into the Band 6 range: "Audience impact."

In The Lost Thing, Tan also uses distinctive visual images and motifs to emphasise his unique world view. The protagonist, Shaun, tries to find where the lost thing belongs, and is given a business card with nothing but an arrow on it. Tan uses this arrow motif to make the reader think about purpose and meaning in life. The arrow, itself, can be seen in every page of the book, however its not until the arrow is given purpose (being the destination for the lost thing) that Shaun and the reader notice all the arrows around them.These sentences on the arrow motif could be compressed into a single sentence. Focus on analysis and techniques, we don't need a retell of the text. In the quote “It’s the sort of place you’d never know existed unless you were actually looking for it”, Tan highlights to his readers that everything in life can be meaningless until it has purpose, much like all of the lost things. This last line is what you need in terms of explaining what the text does for US as readers. It is just missing a technique.

Tan creates a distinctive fantasy world with unique creatures, in particular The Lost Thing itself. Tan has deliberately created this unique creature to emphasise the importance of compassion towards those who are unfamiliar and strange. What things about the creature set it apart as strange? What techniques are used to accentuate these? The key theme of belonging in this text is illustrated in the way the The Lost Thing stands out as different is the early part of the story, and in the conclusion of the text in his similarity to the other creatures who, while all unique in their own way, share a certain visual peculiarity.What techniques has the filmmaker used to accentuate these peculiarities?

Tan also makes significant use of mechanical and industrial imagery, to symbolise the way in which people place too much emphasis on work and progress, and too little on the natural world, love and compassion. His portrayal of unhappy adults going to work and the polluted world contrasts with the happier natural world of the beach, emphasising this dichotomy.

In both texts, colour plays an incredibly significant role in creating distinctively visual world views.

Tykwer’s manipulation of colour in Run Lola Run conveys to the audience many themes including urgency and passion. There are three main colours in Run Lola Run. Red, yellow and green- the colours of a traffic light- Tykwer uses this as a metaphor for how we and Lola deal with life.
Green is the most predominant colour in scenes when there is a break of tension, no immediate danger- when Lola is running, something which she has no problem doing, she is wearing green plants. Showing the audience that it is not a high tension scene.
The use of yellow in scenes, particularly when Manni is present- the telephone booth, Manni’s hair, the ‘Spirale’ sign and the clock face- is analogous for his incapability to do anything about the situation, he is, like a yellow traffic light, waiting for Lola to save him. Moreover Tykwer has used the colour yellow to increases the pressure on Lola and to emphasise to the audience Lola’s power.
Furthermore, red is the dominant colour of Run Lola Run, seen in almost every shot of the film, most particularly in the colour of Lola’s hair, the ambulance, Lola’s telephone, the ‘Bolle’ store and the money bag. Tykwer has used red to illustrate to the audience that change is happening or about to happen. For example; whenever Lola (who has red hair) has a different encounter with various characters, she directly changes their future (shown distinctively through still photographs). Change as a result of the colour red is also seen through red ambulance- In the second round the ambulance is ironically the cause of death for Manni, and in the last round it enables Lola to get to Manni on time and save Mr Meyer’s life.
Red can also be interpreted as being the colour of love and passion. This is highlighted in the transitional ‘red room scenes’, where the red wash shows the audience the love and devotion between Lola and Manni. Watch the amount of retell in the previous sentences, but this last sentence is good! Links to audience, contains colour as a technique, this is what you need more of.

Shaun Tan has expertly used colour in The Lost Thing to create a distinctive perspective of a dystopian society of conformity and drudgery. I love your topic sentences, just saying.
This industrial wasteland dystopia is conveyed through the bleached colours of the city and the dark colours worn by the cities regimented inhabitants. The contrast between the bleak, industrial colours in the city and the bright red colour of the lost thing enables the reader to visually explore the idea that the lost thing is out of place, furthermore showing the disruption that it causes to their ordered world.

Through distinctively visual images, Tykwer and Tan have been able to offer a variety of perspectives of the world. The incorporation of a variety of techniques including symbols, motifs and colour have further emphasised these perspectives, and enabled Tykwer and Tan to create beautifully unique texts that have a lasting impact on the audience and reader. Try and add a little more detail to the conclusion, maybe an extra sentence or two.

You have a really nicely formed Thesis here, you've definitely thought about how it fits with your body paragraphs too! Your topic sentences are absolutely fantastic.

To improve, I think there is two things missing. Techniques and (in some places) audience impact. Strong analysis contains a few parts:

EXPLAIN how an EXAMPLE demonstrating a TECHNIQUE impacts the AUDIENCE.

You are missing those last two bits. You are giving examples from the text, and explaining their meaning, but you aren't giving a technique (which takes out the impact of the filmmaker) and you aren't considering what we as readers take from the text. Both of these are very important, and without them you are slipping into retell ever so slightly.

It is definite to me that your ideas are strong, very strong. If you work on implementing techniques (which may require some new textual references) and then putting audience impact at the forefront, you have the start of a FANTASTIC essay. The backbone is there and the ideas are there, I think you just need a bit of work on analysis :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2016, 01:57:08 am

Quote from: dtinaa on March 08, 2016, 11:01:33 am

Hi, this is my essay for Module C Texts and Society Exploring Transitions, could you please let me know what I need to improve on? The prescribed text is Billy Elliot and the related text I chose was the poem "Father and Child" by Gwen Harwood.
I haven't written an introduction or conclusion but I have my thesis and I was given this question
Individuals venturing into new experiences may encounter obstacles, but may also gain significant rewards.
How is this evident in Stephen Daldry’s ‘Billy Elliot’ and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
So I'm not entirely sure if I have answered the question (I always struggle with this, I'm not sure why). Would you have any tips to on how I could check if I have answered the question?
Thank you!

Hey dtinaa! Here is your essay attached with a few helpful comments! ;D

Spoiler

Venturing into new experiences can be a strenuous process as individuals may encounter challenges and barriers, however with perseverance one can reap many significant rewards which are effectively beneficial. Solid Thesis which restates the question, therefore yes, you are definitely answering it!

When exploring new experiences an individual may face many obstacles, but in overcoming them, one can illuminate their unknown talents and facilitate their personal transfigurations. In ‘Billy Elliot’ directed by Stephen Daldry, the protagonist Billy, explores a new world of dance through an instant interest in ballet, which allows him to gain a deepened understanding of himself, as he transitions from childhood to young adulthood. It is through this transition that he is faced with many obstacles, in which his actions on how to overcome these, impacts his future and new directions. The opposition to Billy is mainly from his father, Jackie and the mining community. As Jackie’s view is fixed on the stereotypical gender roles that only “girls should do ballet and boys do boxing”, this acts as a barrier that Billy must overcome, in order to successfully transition and reach his full potential. Living in Durham during the 1980s, also acts as a barrier since it was an insular and stagnant community which embraced egalitarianism, therefore it was expected that Billy was to follow this tradition and become a miner. Due to these reasons, it obstructed Billy from the opportunity to grow and transform as an individual and to achieve his ambitions of becoming a professional ballet dancer.This is a recount of the story - Make sure the focus is on techniques, analysis, and audience impact! We don't want to know about the story, we want to know HOW the text shows the ideas you mentioned in your Thesis
It is only through Billy’s perseverance and boundless enthusiasm, that he challenges society’s expectations and pursues his passion for ballet. This is depicted in the final scene where he prepares to perform on stage. T he use of an e xtreme close up shot of Billy’s face, emphasises his anxious feelings which is also expressed through his heavy breathing and shaking legs, as he is finally able to perform for his father with his loving support and therefore, he must dance to the best of his ability. Watch grammar, flow on sentence there. As Billy enters the stage for his final leap,n ondiegetic music, slow motion and low key lighting is used. The s lowing tempo and harsh sounding of the orchestra in the classical piece, ‘Swan Lake’, creates suspense, and the s low motion, low angle shot of Billy leaping skilfully into a new world of possibility, highlights Billy’s sense of liberation. The l ow key lighting c entred on Billy accommodates this, and his w hite
c o s t u m e s y m b o l i s e s h i s n e w b e g i n n i n g a s a d a n c e r , w h i c h e x e m p l i f i e s h i s i n s p i r i n g transition in his final moment of triumph. Here we have a lot of explanation, much better now! To improve even further, add audience impact, how do we as an audience respond to this presentation? PS - Sorry for weird formatting. Hence, it is apparent that through overcoming his adversities, he was able to reap many rewards. Not only the literal rewards of being accepted into the prestigious Royal Ballet School and perform as the principal dancer in Swan Lake, but also his emotional accomplishments, since this new experience stimulated him to undergo a process of personal growth and transformation as he emerged into a defiant individual, despite being amidst in family hardships and a distraught society caused by the miner’s strike.A solid paragraph towards the end, just watch out for retell. Never discuss the story without a technique, a quote/textual reference, an explanation of what the technique achieves, and an analysis of how we respond as an audience.

Similarly, the two part poem ‘Father and child’ by Gwen Harwood also explores an individual who proceeds into a new experience. Through this, the child is faced with barriers that obstruct itthem from disclosing the reality of life but the child’s curiosity influences it to persevere, and hence the child learns significant life lessons and gains knowledge and wisdom. Don't call the child an 'it', say 'they' or 'them' instead. In stanza one, it is evident that the child will proceed into a new experience through the a llusion to nature in, “I rose blessed by the sun. A horny fiend,” which foreshadows that the child will grow and mature from a meaningful experience. However, the child’s father is a notable barrier that hinders it from transitioning into adulthood. This is depicted in the phrase, “old NoSayer”, which conveys how controlling and overprotective he is. The use of c olloquial language highlights the lack of respect that the child has for its father due to its immaturity, but the father just wants to shield the child from the dangers of reality and keep its childhood pure. Despite this, whilst the father is asleep he loses this power and control. As a result, the child gains this power from holding a gun, which is apparent in the m etaphor, “master of life and death.” Knowing this, the child rebels against its father and becomes vulnerable as it shoots an owl. Consequently, the child’s understanding of death is corrupted as its initial belief that death is quick and painless is completely shattered, and hence the child’s innocence is lost. This is further conveyed through the use of d issonance of the word, ‘struck’, in, “my first shot struck", which eradicates the r hythm of the poem, thus exemplifying the harsh and abrupt gunshot that destroys the bird's life as well as the child's youth and innocence.MUCH better on technique and explanation here, and we are even implicitly covering audience in places as well. AWESOME! Again, just watch for retell, all of this analysis should be done just using the text as an example. Don't let the text carry you.
It is the child’s desire for an identity and a need to relieve one’s curiosity that drives the child to persevere in order to transcend the father’s control. As a result, the child is exposed to the shocking nature of death, which evokes its transition from childhood to adulthood. This is apparent in the second part of the poem, ‘Nightfall’. The j uxtaposition of “old nosayer” in the first poem with “Old king” in the second, accentuates the child’s changed attitude towards its father in which it has gained respect and great gratitude, after acquiring knowledge and wisdom through maturity. As well as this, the r hetorical question, “who can be what you were?” further conveys that the child believes that its father is irreplaceable as it learns to appreciate and admire the father’s sacrifices. Hence it is apparent that it is through the child’s determination that it rebels against its father, which enabled the child to learn the reality of life and death. As the child acquired knowledge and wisdom through maturity, it constructed meaning from this experience and thus the child comes to understand the inevitability of death and accepts it as a peaceful process of life. Again, solid techniques and explanations. Nice!
Furthermore, Billy’s best friend Michael, also explores a new world and encounters similar obstacles, in particular the mining community. Through transcending the stereotypical views of the community, it stimulates the development of his self
expression as he discovers his sexuality in transitioning into young adulthood. Initially, Michael is afraid to reveal his true self, due to living in a narrowminded community with distinct gender roles. Living this community occluded Michael from exploring his sexuality since he is forced to hide it, which hindered his ability to understand where he belongs in society. This is apparent in the scene where Michael crossdresses in the safety of his own home. As he opens the door for Billy, there is no c amera movement, exemplifying the strict and stagnant community which is reluctant to change and individualism. Hence, this restricts Michael from expressing himself as he fears the strong reactions from the aggressive maledominated community. This is further conveyed through a m edium shot of Billy who cautiously looks around to ensure that no one has seen them, since he knows that society would not approve. Through the a bsence of light in the room, it emphasises both Michael and Billy’s transition behind closed doors, hidden and
a w a y f r o m s o c i e t y . T h e c a m e r a a l s o z o o m s o u t f r o m M i c h a e l t o c a p t u r e t h e d r e s s that he is wearing. It is clearly apparent that the dress fits him perfectly which reveals his awakening sexuality and accentuates the fact that he truly belongs in this dress and that he should accept and embrace his new identity. The lack of techniques here, although you want to explain concepts, it just becomes a recount. Techniques are a MUST to ensure that, no, you aren't talking about themes in a book, you are talking about HOW the themes are represented in a book.
It is through Michael’s determination to freely express himself, that he gains confidence to rise and defy against society. This is evident in the final scene when he attends Billy’s ballet performance. The use of a m edium shot highlights Michael’s contentment and l ight blue eyes, which symbolise that he is finally at peace with himself as he is able to freely dress, completely ignorant of the opinions and judgements of others. This shot also emphasises his interaction with another man, conveying that he has discovered his sexuality and is no longer afraid to hide it. Hence it is apparent, that Michael’s determination and courage through proceeding into a new experience allowed him to cross stereotypical boundaries and overcome the expectations of the mining community. Consequently, he gained significant rewards such as being true to himself and having the confidence to freely express himself as he has finally disclosed his place in society.

A really cool essay here! There is that one paragraph in the middle loaded with techniques and explanations that is absolutely killer, nicely done ;D

To improve, ensure that you talk about techniques. You are slipping quite heavily into textual recount. There is a big difference between talking about THEMES in a TEXT, and talking about HOW themes are REPRESENTED in a text, with techniques. The focus should always be on the composer's choices and how they create meaning.

This links to the question too. When you see "how is this evident", it doesn't mean, how do the themes pop up in the text? It means, how has the composer made it evident, through their choices of technique. A subtle difference, but the difference between a Band 4/5 and a Band 5/6.

In terms of making sure you answer the question, I think the best way is a strong thesis. You have this already. A good way to check is that the thesis should automatically remind you of the question. If it does, you are set, you just need to back up the idea. If you have a Thesis which responds to the question, then all your ideas are linked to the Thesis, then it is very likely you are answering the question.

Oh, and use the rights texts, use the right number of ORT's, all that stuff is important too ;)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2016, 10:19:10 am

Quote from: esther609 on March 08, 2016, 11:40:42 pm

Hey, I have my Module B Close-study text - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time Essay due this Thursday. I know it's sorta last minute thing but it would be great if you could proof read it please. Thankyou :) (the essay is out of /20)

Hey esther609! So sorry for the late mark, but I hope the feedback will be helpful for you to use the essay in the future!

Spoiler

Through his unique novel, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, Mark Haddon uses the universal issue of difference to reduce the social stigma surrounding Asperger’s Syndrome. From the memorable narrative perspective of his 15 year-old protagonist, Christopher, he explores the value of truth and perspective, the complex nature of the social world as well as effectively promotes an understanding of individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome. Haddon challenges the reader to consider the interesting idea of disability, positioning the reader to understand that it is wrong to treat people with a disability differently and in fact we are more similar than different. Beautiful Thesis paragraph! Try to have a more conceptual lead though, I was always taught that your first sentence should try to be stand-alone from the texts. Perhaps define the universal issue of difference, explain that it is defined by texts, then launch into what you have here?

Throughout different stages of the novel and via the unusual perception of a boy with Asperger’s Syndrome, Haddon explores the idea of the value of logic and truth. Again, try to lead with the concept (The universal value of logic and truth may be played on to break down a barrier of difference...). It is not a massive deal, but it changes the essay from text based to concept based, which is the goal... He utilizes his talent in mathematics to develop characterization of Christopher, whose innate difference is exemplified through the obsession with logic. Christopher’s logical thinking is demonstrated through his aversion towards metaphors and fictional stories, as they are lies, “a lie is something which didn’t happen”. Contrastingly, maths is perceived as favourable to the protagonist because the answer is logical, as shown through the repetition of, “I liked maths”, coupled with the use of mathematical formulas and equations throughout the novel. His passionate in mathematics assists him to think logically in his life circumstances. Similarly, Christopher’s obsession with truth is positioned as different, however, in essence, all humans desire truth. His fixation with the truth is ignited by his perception of truth as an integral part of loving someone, “loving someone is telling them the truth”. Thus when he discovers that his “father had lied” to him and killed Wellington he feels threatened that his father would murder him too, as exemplified through the simile, “I heard his footsteps…and I could feel the feeling like a balloon inside my chest again”. The rigid system of thoughts that Christopher possesses and his inability “to trust” his father, marked the beginning of change in Christopher’s perception of his father. Christopher’s reaction to the situation is shown physically, “I felt sick”, and with the use of descriptive language and adverbs “I rolled onto the bed and curled up in a ball”. Also the use of the anaphora, “And I didn’t scream. And I didn’t fight. And I didn’t hit him”, contrasts Christopher’s usual actions when he is scared and this shows he is in shock. Haddon utilises a naïve writer who “can’t tell lies”, to create the novel, thus showing the similarity between the readers, as they don’t like being told lies, which makes Christopher no different than any of the individual readers. This paragraph is awesome with examples and explanation, but not quite so effective with techniques. Make sure as many text references as possible (ideally all) have an associated technique. Further, try to mention the impact on the audience a bit more before the finish!

Without the natural ability to relate and communicate in society, individuals that are considered different often find it difficult to build social relationships.Ahh, there we go, this is what we need!! This is shown through the visual representation of emoticons in the beginning of the novel which effectively highlight the protagonist’s difficulty with identifying emotions and understanding of non-verbal expressions, “I was unable to say what these meant”. Christopher explains that he feels uncomfortable expressing outward emotions and doesn’t see the necessity in doing so, and as a result, his emotional connection to others is expressed differently, this is evident through the use of strong imagery “he held up his right had…we made our fingers and thumbs touch each other…it means he loves me”. This sentence does not mention the composer at all. You instead just talk about the character as if they are a real person: This is re-tell. Be careful not to slip into this sort of analysis, focus on the composers choices! This shows that he is unable to understand the representation and value of physical contact with others and this contrasts society’s view, where physical contact is an essential aspect in building relationships. Christopher needs obvious expressions of emotions to understand what another person is feeling towards him, “I didn’t realise he was angry because he wasn’t shouting”. The logical nature of Christopher brings obstacles in his awareness of emotional aspects, hence troubling his relationships with others. Also, Christopher’s use of blunt tone and direct language conveys his feelings of other people, “I’m not meant to call them stupid, even though they are”. Chris didn't use these techniques, Hadden did, "Haddon's employment of blunt tone and direct language in the dialogue line..." Through the struggles and different view that Christopher possesses in connecting with others, disallowing to form relationships with them, Haddon reveals to his readers that they too have struggles in understanding others. Solid, but you haven't mentioned Haddon before the finish! You need to focus more on composer's representation, not just retelling the story with techniques. Much better on audience impact though

Also, Christopher doesn’t feel any emotional loss and this is evident through the use of matter-of-fact tone “did it make you sad?...no” when Chrsitopher finds out about her mother’s death as well as the affair. This reveals to the reader that he doesn’t relate to emotions thus troubling his relationships with others. Nice! Again, remember Haddon's role

In addition, Haddon’s knowledge of Asperger’s Syndrome comes from working with autistic people in his early years, allowing him to write the novel with understanding of their perspectives. Great inclusion of context! He has used alternating chapters expressing both insights of how the mind of an individual with Asperger’s Syndrome operates as well as context of the novel, allowing the readers to feel empathy towards Christopher instead of being judgemental. Also, Christopher gave his chapters prime numbers, “2,3,5,7…”, which already shows his distinctive thoughts, allowing the readers to perceive his different way of thinking as interesting. Throughout the novel, the repetition “4 red cars in a row, which meant that it was a Good Day”, proves Christopher’s passion in ordering and his view of the day changes through this. The preponderance of simple sentences coupled with repetition of “I”, “the”, and sequential statements used throughout the novel successfully creates the protagonist as a child accompanied with unorthodox perspective of the world allowing the reader to recognise that his view of the world is limited. Haddon uses interesting traits of Asperger’s Syndrome to challenge his readers to understand that individuals with disability are not different but they just have a memorable way of thinking, therefore shouldn’t be judged negatively. This paragraph is near perfect, with slight issues in the aforementioned areas. Nice!

In contemporary novels, the author alters the reader’s perceptions through interesting forms and contexts. Similarly, Mark Haddon’s unique novel, CIDNT allows readers to understand individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome and thus feel empathy towards the protagonist. It also effectively deepens their understanding of his actions without criticism. The reader can conclude that Christopher’s value of honesty is a big aspect in his life and the social struggles faced by him nor individuals with disabilities are not being different but having different aptitude as the reader may find logical thinking is hard aspect in life, which is not being different. Thus, through the distinctive ideas in this unique novel, readers learn how to accept those with disabilities and break the social stigma surrounded by them. This is an excellent conclusion! Read it over and think to yourself, have I done all this in my essay? Does this conclusion directly match my Thesis?

This is a really cool essay! Lots of really great ideas and fantastic structure!

My only comment would be to ensure that you are not discussing the character as a representation of an idea, discuss how the COMPOSER uses TECHNIQUES to create the ideas within the character. Some times I felt you were slipping into recount because you neglected the composer completely, focusing only on the in-text protagonist. Be aware of the difference and try to focus on representational choices.

That said, AWESOME work here, this is fantastic. If you submitted this you should hope for a solid mark out of 20. I'd hazard a guess at the mid teens, but I'm not really 100% sure ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2016, 10:40:35 am

Quote from: hannahboardman98 on March 18, 2016, 09:09:41 am

Hi, this is my English Standard essay on Wilfred Owen's poetry. We have been given our question for the half-yearly exam. The file is attached. I have written comments within my essay on things that I need assistance with. I'm actually not entirely sure that the entire essay makes sense and relates to my main thesis statement. Thank you! :)

Hey Hannah! Your essay is attached below with some helpful comments, I tried to address your comments as well :D

Spoiler

Analyse the ways in which this poem reflects the purpose, the ideas and techniques of Owen’s poetry as a whole.

Wilfred Owen’s poetry reinvigorates the horrors of war and displays the paradox of war as it dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death. War is depicted as pitiful, futile and damaging which therefore reveals the true aspects of war rather than the propagandist’s view that displays war as heroic and noble. This was achieved through Owen’s extensive use of visual and aural imagery, which is evident in his poem’s Strange Meeting, The Next War, and Insensibility which all expose the readers to the dismal affect that it had on the soldiers. These poems exhibit powerful connotations of the terrors of war that resulted in the soldiers becoming vulnerable to insensibility.Solid introduction! I would say to try to lead with the concept rather than the text, but this question is very text-based, so what you have likely works quite well.

The pity of war, from Owen’s perspective, lies in its desire for nations to have authority over another without considering the ramifications for its own populace. Owen's Strange Meeting delineates war as inevitable and pitiful where he asserts that wars will reflect the loss of truth and integrity of humanity. I think this is a great start! I wouldn't be concerned about either of your comments I like this! Owen uses colour, aural and visual imagery to convey his message of the consequences of war, allowing the audience to feel connected to the poem and therefore develop a deeper understanding of the suffering the soldiers experienced; displaying the truth of war. For example, 'Yet no blood reached there from the upper ground'. The use of ‘blood’ allows the readers to visualise the traumatic image that the soldiers witnessed themselves and emphasises the frequency of injury occurrence. You are doing super powerful analysis here, brilliant! Try 'word choice' rather than 'use' though. Visual imagery was applied within this poem to amplify the atrocities of war. Talk in present tense where possible. The image of war is intensified through the line ‘Through granites which titanic wars had groined’ where ‘titanic’ is a representation of magnitude wars. ‘Granite’ assists to convey the brutality of war due to its laborious effect, simultaneously with ‘titanic’ creating an exaggerated image that displays the significance of Owen’s meaning of war. Owen applies these poetic devices to Strange Meeting to portray the truth of war, including the horrors that it produced in order to expose society to the truth of war, rather than the lie the propaganda presented. This exposed the audience to how insensible the soldiers became as a result of the impact that death had on their daily lives. Fantastic! Very powerful stuff, ensure you always have specific literary techniques associated with each example, and try to be specific with the explanation, some of it seemed the tiniest bit generic

Courage, wisdom and bravado are nothing in the face of the overwhelming horror that war creates. Owen’s The Next War, stresses that wars will be the cause of spiritual death due to the terrors that it reveals. This poem displays aural and visual imagery that portray the power of death and express the ramifications of war, resulting in the soldiers becoming dehumanised. The relationship between death and the soldiers is explored through the line 'We've walked quite friendly up to Death', emphasising the familiarity that has come of death. This suggests that war has enforced death upon the soldiers on such a frequent basis that they have begun to consider ‘him’ as a ‘friend’. Another example of this imagery is 'He's spat at us with bullets and he's coughed', signifying the death of an old man where the readers begin to feel pity for him and the soldiers. The verb 'spat' enables the audience to imagine how the bullets sounded when they were shot, giving them a deeper insight to how the soldiers experienced it. This develops Owen's purpose of the dehumanising effect of war in order to shock the readers out of their complacent attitude towards battle. Owen effectively applied imagery to his poem in order to portray the connection between the soldiers, war and death and to also confront the audience with an altered view on war. The power of death displayed in this poem presents the idea of how the soldiers became emotionless.Almost no comments at all, absolutely fantastic. Again, be sure you have specific literary techniques, saying "The use of figurative language in the line" is better than saying "The line"

Constant tension and stress cause psychological injury that negates our sensibility. Owen's Insensibility portrays war as having a dehumanising nature that develops the soldiers’ pain to numbness. The poem's purpose was to display the dehumanising effects that the soldiers endured as consequences of war due to a result of society's naivety to believe that war is acceptable. Owens metaphors and colour imagery convey this purpose in order to inform and connect to his audience, allowing them to have a deeper understanding of war and its effects. This is clearly evident in stanza three with the emotive metaphor 'their hearts remain small-drawn'. This reflects the idea that nothing can alter the insensible state of the soldiers, hence they become futile. The soldiers were contrived to fight on a daily basis and this stripped them of their humanity each day that they woke. Therefore, through Owen’s language used within this line, the audience are confronted with how much the soldiers gave up in order to serve their country with ‘pride’. Owen’s application of metonymy to 'The front line withers' expresses how the soldiers metaphorically and literally disappeared. Their personalities and emotions were soon depleted due to the impact that war had on them. There were soldiers frequently witnessing their friends die, however this had little effect on the men as they became immune to the apprehension of war. A little too much explanation without linking to audience here I think. This is also reflected in the line 'Men, gaps for filling' which represents that each dead man is replaceable, suggesting their death is insignificant. This strongly highlights the dehumanisation of the soldiers, as before they went to war, they valued friendship and love, and therefore ached during the occurrence of a devastating event. Owen effectively applied imagery to this poem in order to portray the dehumanising conditions of the soldiers. The audience are exposed to the true characteristics of war which altered their perception from it being courageous, honourable. Much better with techniques here, but perhaps a little weaker on the analysis?

War takes our humanity due to the barbaric nature that it presents. Owen’s poetry illustrates this idea through his application of visual, aural and colour imagery that allow the audience to gain a thorough understanding of the traumatic experiences that the soldiers suffered. Owen’s Strange Meeting, The Next War and Insensibility all exhibit the horrors of war and how it psychologically affected the soldiers. Owen presented the ‘truth’ of war which juxtaposes the propagandist view that portrayed war as bravado and dignified. The purpose of displaying this was to alter society’s perception of war to the true aspects that it exhibits which result in it being futile. Therefore, Owen applied these facets to his poetry in order to convey the insensible affect that war had on the soldiers and how the futility of war reveals the fragility of our humanity.Fantastic conclusion! You even lead with the concept, try doing this in the Thesis paragraph!

I don't have much to say about this at all, you are analysing INCREDIBLY well, you have great examples, and your use of techniques was much stronger towards the end. Fantastic.

In terms of your Thesis statement; your Thesis is that Owen uses techniques (specifically imagery) to portray his view on the horror of war. I think you back this up quite well, in that your body paragraphs take themes of war and show how a poem represents them. Nice! What I will say is that your quotes and explanations don't necessarily relate specifically to the body paragraph they are in: Be sure you are conducting analysis which relates directly to the specific theme (for the poem) you are discussing. In a body paragraph on authority over populace, all your examples should relate to how THIS theme is portrayed. At times you slipped into more general analysis, be careful.

But no, I think you answered the question and backed up your thesis quite well indeed. Work on use of techniques, and backing up the idea in EACH paragraph, and you will have the start of an absolutely stellar piece of writing ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: mimi967 on March 21, 2016, 08:33:05 am

Thanks so much!! I really appreciate it!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: hannahboardman98 on March 21, 2016, 04:18:58 pm

Hi this is Module B Poetry essay :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 21, 2016, 10:32:19 pm

Quote from: hannahboardman98 on March 21, 2016, 04:18:58 pm

Hi this is Module B Poetry essay :)

Hey Hannah! Essay attached with some helpful comments ;D

Spoiler

Wilfred Owen’s poetry reinvigorates the horrors of war and displays the paradox of war as it dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death. War is depicted as pitiful, futile and damaging which therefore reveals the true aspects of war rather than the propagandist’s view that displays war as heroic and noble. This was achieved through Owen’s extensive use of visual and aural imagery, which is evident in his poem’s Strange Meeting, The Next War, and Insensibility which all expose the readers to the dismal affect that it had on the soldiers. These poems exhibit powerful connotations of the terrors of war that resulted in the soldiers becoming vulnerable to insensibility. Still an awesome Thesis! To develop it even further, try taking Owen out of your Thesis statement. This abstracts the essay topic and focuses on concept rather than text.

The truth must be continually told if we are to be reminded of the horror and insensibility of war. Owen's Strange Meeting, delineates war as inevitable and pitiful where he asserts that wars will reflect the loss of truth and integrity of humanity. Owen uses colour and visual imagery to convey his message of the consequences of war, allowing the audience to feel connected to the poem and therefore develop a deeper understanding of the suffering the soldiers experienced. For example, 'Yet no blood reached there from the upper ground'. The use of ‘blood’ allows the readers to visualise the traumatic image that the soldiers witnessed themselves and emphasises the frequency of injury occurrence. Society did not perceive war as ‘killing’; rather, they romanticised it which involved serving your country to save people’s live, disregarding the murdering aspect of war. Therefore, Owen clearly demonstrates the truth through exposing the audience to these brutalities that war produced. Visual imagery was applied within this poem to amplify the atrocities of war. The image of war is intensified through the line ‘Through granites which titanic wars had groined’ where the hyperbole, ‘titanic’ is a representation of magnitude wars. ‘Granite’ assists to convey the harshness of war due to its laborious effect, simultaneously with ‘titanic’ creating an exaggerated image that displays the significance of Owen’s meaning of war. Owen applies these poetic devices to Strange Meeting to portray the truth of war, including the horrors that it produced in order to expose society to these realities rather than the lie the propaganda presented. This illustrated how insensible the soldiers became as a result of the impact that death had on their daily lives. Wow! Absolutely fantastic analysis here now, much more focus. Now to push you even further. Try further integration of your ideas, that is, get your example, explanation and audience impact, everything in a single sentence. "Owen's use of TECHNIQUE in the description of blah blah, QUOTE, shocks the audience with its realism and thus reveals the truth of war through powerful imagery." This is hard to do, but you are at that level!

Courage, wisdom and bravado are nothing in the face of the overwhelming horror that war creates. Owen’s The Next War, stresses that wars will be the cause of spiritual death due to the terrors that it reveals. This poem displays visual imagery that portrays the power of death and expresses the ramifications of war, resulting in the soldiers becoming dehumanised. The relationship between death and the soldiers is explored through the line 'We've walked quite friendly up to Death', emphasising the familiarity that has come of death. This suggests that war has enforced death upon the soldiers on such a frequent basis that it has become a normative to experience it. In line 12, ‘We laughed, -‘, Owen purposely applies a caesura to make the audience pause and reflect on the situation. This enables the audience to understand the association of death with laughter, establishing that it is abnormal. Owen applies this ironic tone to the loss of their humanity, in order to shock the readers out of their complacent attitude towards battle. Owen effectively applied (make sure to speak in present tense!) visual imagery to his poem in order to portray the connection between the soldiers, war and death and to also confront the audience with an altered view on war. The power of death displayed in this poem presents the idea of how the soldiers became emotionless. Another fantastic paragraph, though perhaps it needs a slightly better conclusion. Further, make sure that ALL of your textual references have an associated technique.

Constant tension and stress cause psychological injury that negates our sensibility. This intro has a syntax error, should be "causes." Owen's Insensibility portrays war as having a dehumanising nature that develops the soldiers’ pain to numbness. Owens metaphors and colour imagery convey this purpose in order to inform and connect to his audience, allowing them to have a deeper understanding of war and its effects. This is clearly evident in stanza three with the emotive metaphor 'their hearts remain small-drawn'. The idea that nothing can alter the insensible state of the soldiers is reflected here as they no longer have a sensitive heart, hence displaying their detachment from their emotions. The soldiers were contrived to fight on a daily basis and this stripped them of their humanity each day that they woke. Owen’s application of metonymy to 'The front line withers' expresses how the soldiers metaphorically and literally disappeared. Their personalities and emotions were hastily depleted due to the impact that war had on them. There were soldiers frequently witnessing their friends die, however this had little effect on the men as they became immune to the apprehension of war. This is also echoed in the line 'Men, gaps for filling' which represents that each dead man is replaceable, suggesting their death is insignificant. This strongly highlights the dehumanisation of the soldiers, as before they went to war, they valued friendship and love, and therefore ached during the occurrence of a devastating event. Owen effectively applied imagery to this poem in order to portray the dehumanising conditions of the soldiers. The audience are exposed to the true characteristics of war which altered their perception from it being courageous, honourable.This paragraph is slightly weaker than the other two. I think your concept in this last paragraph now has great focus, but your wording of "pain to numbness" is slightly "airy." Essays need concrete, logical arguments, and this ever so slightly falls short, and that is just a wording issue. Further, the middle of your essay has two sentences where you fall into textual retell, explaining the impact on the soldiers IN THE TEXT. Don't talk about things IN THE TEXT, use the text as an example for how composers like Owen create meaning.

War takes our humanity due to the barbaric nature that it presents. Owen’s poetry illustrates this idea through his application of visual, aural and colour imagery that allow the audience to gain a thorough understanding of the traumatic experiences that the soldiers suffered. Owen’s Strange Meeting, The Next War and Insensibility all exhibit the horrors of war and how it psychologically affected the soldiers. Owen presented the ‘truth’ of war which juxtaposes the propagandist view that portrayed war as bravado and dignified. The purpose of displaying this was to alter society’s perception of war to the true aspects that it exhibits which result in it being futile. Therefore, Owen applied these facets to his poetry in order to convey the insensible affect that war had on the soldiers and how the futility of war reveals the fragility of our humanity. Fantastic conclusion now that is developed! Remember, talk only in present tense!

This is now an absolutely KILLER essay! Fantastic work Hannah, this is brilliant. A few things to fix, including:
- Talking in the Present Tense
- More Frequent Use of Techniques, and perhaps a wider variety of techniques (although I know this essay demands a focus on imagery)
- Synthesis of ideas into single-sentence constructions (see the comment in the first paragraph)

You can also continue to develop the clarity and power of your paragraph topics. They are all great as they are, but they can still be pushed to be even more sophisticated. Think about ways you can make them more unique, clearer, and introduce more complex ideas. Totally not necessary, but hey, I have to give you something to work on ;)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: hannahboardman98 on March 24, 2016, 02:35:20 pm

Hi I was just wondering if my structure is band 6 material in my introduction below:

War was misinterpreted by society, where the horrific ramifications were absent from their perceived view. Wilfred Owen’s poetry reinvigorates these horrors and displays the paradox of war as it dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death. War is depicted as pitiful, futile and damaging, revealing the true aspects of war rather than the propagandist’s view displaying it as heroic and noble. In Owen’s poems Strange Meeting, The Next War, and Insensibility, his extensive use of visual, aural and colour imagery and figurative language, assist in the portrayal of the truth of war. These poems exhibit powerful connotations of the terrors of war that resulted in the soldiers becoming vulnerable to dehumanisation.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 25, 2016, 12:30:48 am

Quote from: hannahboardman98 on March 24, 2016, 02:35:20 pm

Hi I was just wondering if my structure is band 6 material in my introduction below:

War was misinterpreted by society, where the horrific ramifications were absent from their perceived view. Wilfred Owen’s poetry reinvigorates these horrors and displays the paradox of war as it dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death. War is depicted as pitiful, futile and damaging, revealing the true aspects of war rather than the propagandist’s view displaying it as heroic and noble. In Owen’s poems Strange Meeting, The Next War, and Insensibility, his extensive use of visual, aural and colour imagery and figurative language, assist in the portrayal of the truth of war. These poems exhibit powerful connotations of the terrors of war that resulted in the soldiers becoming vulnerable to dehumanisation.

Hey Hannah! I've had a read, I have a few comments:

I love that:
- You introduce your texts and list what your paragraphs will be about
- You have a strong conceptual focus, the text does't come in until the idea is set up, awesome!
- Great vocabulary and excellent explanation of ideas.

Some improvements:
- Be sure to talk in the present tense only, don't say "this happened" or "was," all in the present tense
- "dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death": I am not quite sure what is meant by this line, though I think I could guess. Maybe just a wording issue?
- Don't go too much into the protagonists views and such, keep it very abstract, no details on the text until we have started a body paragraph!

This is a great introduction Hannah! Just a few little touch ups I think, it is definitely en-route to a Band 6 style intro!! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: aamyylouiisee on March 25, 2016, 02:18:38 pm

Can you please look at this as soon as possible and tell me what I need to improve on and add!! thank you

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 29, 2016, 09:00:08 am

Quote from: aamyylouiisee on March 25, 2016, 02:18:38 pm

Can you please look at this as soon as possible and tell me what I need to improve on and add!! thank you

Hey there!

Sorry this took so long to get to.

Here is your original essay:

Spoiler

In order to discover people must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. These discoveries may be emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual and my affect people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Raquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the masudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. Both texts reveal how people may be forced to challenge their existing views about other races and they form new beliefs where they extend to the winder world.

The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and “boat people”. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the “views” of the Australian people and were sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a “boat person”. In the first episode Raquel clearly states her beliefs when she says “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”. Through the use of the pun “Blacktown” Raquel reinforces her ignorance and prejudiced view of Africans. This is highlighted in the mid shot of Raquel walking through Blacktown with Africans in the background. Shots flash of Raquel and her house with her dogs. There is also a point of view shot of Raquel as she honestly states her opinion when she says “i guess I am a bit racist”. Raquel made her own self-discovery through the show and changed her views of refugees and the wider world.

The narrator in the short story “tri” (Echin) discovers his racist bullying about what is significant and he discovers his new found knowledge of the effect of his behaviour on tri and his new found knowledge of tri’s identity is “too little too late”. Both the narrator and “tri’ are compelled to change their perspective because of the brutality that they face. Initially, the narrator is a willing participant with Greg and Neil. He aids in cornering “tri” and states “He really was a stupid kid” this insult provides the narrator with a reason to bully and state racist comments. “Tri” finally made a self-discovery when the bullying got really bad and when they peed on him with the word REF on his back.

Here is your essay with my own annotations in bold:

Spoiler

In order to discover people must be able to open their minds to new ideas, beliefs and values. Whenever possible, I make thesis statements low modality. So this means replacing "must" with something more passive.These discoveries may be emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual and may affect people differently. Each discovery has the potential to alter a person’s perspective of their own beliefs and values of the wider world.It is great that you've got three consecutive sentences fleshing out discovery. This discovery can be more climatic for the individual when they are faced with a challenge. In the SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” Raye and Raquel faced a challenge that was heightened in series 1 when they both faced the danger of becoming boat people. They also faced emotional trauma in the masudi home and then again with the relatives in the Kenyan refugee camp where they were able to evaluate and change their views on asylum seekers. In the short story “tri” it is not only the narrator who alters his perspective but it is also the reader as they both are confronted about the tragic consequences of racial bullying. We discover that both asylum seekers and the refugee “tri” face prejudice and life threating situations on a daily basis. This italicised bit could very well belong in a body paragraph. You need to make sure that introducing your texts in the intro is short, sweet and sharp. You leave the fleshing out until the body paragraphs. Both texts reveal how people may be forced to challenge their existing views about other races and they form new beliefs where they extend to the winder world.

You've done a really great job in opening the introduction with plenty of discovery ideas. You should also open each paragraph with this same thing so that the reader knows exactly how the paragraph is going to be structured. The SBS series “Go Back to Where You Came from” is an important documentary because of the message and ideas it conveys about the refugees and “boat people”. This show is about six participants who were deliberately chosen because they had the “views” of the Australian people and were sent on a journey to find out what it was like to live like a refugee and a “boat person”. In the first episode Raquel clearly states her beliefs through dialogue (use techniques where possible)when she says “You go to Blacktown and it really is Blacktown. Africans everywhere. This clearly isn’t an aussie place anymore”. Through the use of the pun “Blacktown” Raquel reinforces her ignorance and prejudiced view of Africans. This is highlighted in the mid shot of Raquel walking through Blacktown with Africans in the background. Shots flash of Raquel and her house with her dogs. There is also a point of view shot of Raquel as she honestly states her opinion when she says “i guess I am a bit racist”. Raquel made her own self-discovery through the show and changed her views of refugees and the wider world. This is a good analysis between the two major scenes. To enhance the response, you need to give more details and analysis to what happens in between. Because it's more than just Raquel being ignorant and realising that, she actually makes a huge discovery. You also mentioned Raye in the opening but she hasn't been mentioned here. Anything you mention in the intro should be further fleshed out throughout.

The narrator in the short story “tri” (Echin) discovers his racist bullying about what is significant and he discovers his new found knowledge of the effect of his behaviour on tri and his new found knowledge of tri’s identity is “too little too late”. Both the narrator and “tri’ are compelled to change their perspective because of the brutality that they face. Initially, the narrator is a willing participant with Greg and Neil. He aids in cornering “tri” and states “He really was a stupid kid” this insult provides the narrator with a reason to bully and state racist comments. “Tri” finally made a self-discovery when the bullying got really bad and when they peed on him with the word REF on his back.

The next step is writing a conclusion. So start with a sentence about discovery. Then talk about your texts in relation to discovery. Then bring it back to your overall understanding of discovery once again! Your conclusion should be 3-4 sentences to make sure that you are really raking in everything you have talked about above.

Good luck! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Emilyom on March 29, 2016, 08:09:30 pm

Hello, Can you please check to see that my argument makes sense in my Essay
This is a Module A question
Thank you so much!
Question: Through distinctively visual, composers can influence other with their own perspectives on life. How are these perspectives conveyed in your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing?

Composers, authors and directors present different perspectives of their own life that can influence their audience by the use of language and visual techniques that create distinctively visual images. The poems by Douglas Stewart and short film ‘Growth’ directed by Mishka Kornai's are able to convey to their audience their perspective on life experiences. Douglas Stewart’s poetry, specifically ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’, ‘The Snow-Gum’ and ‘Waterlily” explore Stewart’s perspective on the Australian environment and nature surrounding him which is presented to his audience through the use of poetic techniques such as metaphors, anthropomorphism and personification. The short film ‘Growth’ directed by Kornai conveys his perspective of the complex process of growth through the use of shot angle, metaphor and voice over.

Different experiences portrayed by the author can influence the audience in different ways, as seen in Stewart’s poem ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ and ‘The Snow Gum’. ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ focuses on the theme of mutual respect between the lady and the cats, this allows the responder to perceive this situation in a positive light, where as they would have usually ignored. Anthropomorphism is used throughout the poem ‘ never would harm a feather’ to give the stray cats human qualities, this helps the audience relate to the experience of the cats and be influenced by their relationship with the lady. The effective use of metaphor ‘fountains inside her head’ recreates for the responder a distinctively visual image of the lady’s positive thoughts and perspective on the stray cats. Stewart also brings out the positivity, ‘beauty’ and ‘perfection’ of an ordinary moment in the poem ‘Snow Gum’ where Stewart explains his perspective on the tree and its ability to survive in such a harsh environment. Stewart discusses the beauty of nature and the complexity in a simple form of a snow gum tree, this perspective of a single tree can be usually overlooked by a general audience but Stewart uses his poetry to influence his audience to view the tree in a more deeper sense. Stewart conveys this perspective through the use of personification “Performing its slow miracle’ giving the tree human qualities and presenting a distinctively visual image of the tree’s strength and its ability to survive in the harsh snow environment. The use of hyperbole and simile shows an ordinary moment to be perceived in more complexity through the use of distinctively visual , ‘silver light like ecstasy’ creates a vivid image for the responder. Both poems show Stewarts unique perspective on simple moments and experience, therefore influencing the audience to think from a different perspective

Similarly the short film ‘Growth’ be Mishka Kornai highlights the complexity of the process of growth, which is usually overlooked . Kornai influences the viewer and makes them think about the process of growth in a deeper sense. The use of the ariel camera view throughout the whole short film gives the audience an objective view, this new perspective helps eliminate opportunities for preconceptions and judgments, influencing the audiences perspective. The use of similes throughout the voice over creates a distinctively visual image of the process of growth “Growing older is like a line because it never stops.” ‘Growth’ is a 15-minute documentary about human growth and development, Kornai uses testimonies from 75 individuals from all different ages and from all different situations, this shows contrast in how different individuals experience the process of growth. Through shot angle, similes and the contrast of perspectives Kornai is able to portray a distinctively visual summary of the process of growth and influences his audience to gain a different perspective.

Stewart highlights the importance of a simple object in the poem ‘Waterlily’ similar to ‘Growth’ the short film which shows the importance of a simple process, both texts achieve this by describing individuals perspectives. In the poem ‘Waterlily’ the responder is witness to one specific moment an accidental encounter that Stewart recounts through the use of poetic and distinctively visual techniques. Metaphors are used throughout the poem to describe the waterlily, ‘ it is an angel’ the waterlily is described as a heavenly figure which creates a positive image for the responder. As well as comparing the waterlily to an angle throughout the poem, the waterlily is described as a magical feminine figure through words such as ‘wings’ and the pronoun use of ‘her’. The feminine and heavenly image created by language techniques influences the audience to alter their perspective on a regular waterlily, and see the true beauty that is revealed in this one moment and captured by Steward. The poem begins with two imperatives ‘Look, look’ this brings complete attention the the waterlily and Stewart seems to be talking to the audience to bring attention to the importance of the waterlily. Throughout the poem Stewart draws his audience in with the use of imperatives and pronouns such us ‘we’, this allows the responder to be immersed in the specific moment and be influenced by the perspective of Stewart. Stewart expresses his perspective on the beauty of the waterlily caught in one moment, whilst drawing the audience and influencing their views on the flower.

Stewart and Kornai both cleverly create distinctively visual in their texts to help convey their perspectives and influence their audience. Stewart uses poetic techniques to describe a specific moment that would usually be overlooked or ignored by the audience. Stewart influences his audience to perceive these moments in a deeper sense. While Kornai uses visual techniques such as over-head camera view and utilises the contrast of different perspectives on the important process of growth. Kornai forces his audience to view this process from a new perspective through the use of ariel shot angle throughout the whole text.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 29, 2016, 09:44:30 pm

Quote from: Emilyom on March 29, 2016, 08:09:30 pm

Hello, Can you please check to see that my argument makes sense in my Essay
This is a Module A question
Thank you so much!

Hey there!
Absolutely I can!

Here is your original essay:

Spoiler

Question: Through distinctively visual, composers can influence other with their own perspectives on life. How are these perspectives conveyed in your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing?

Composers, authors and directors present different perspectives of their own life that can influence their audience by the use of language and visual techniques that create distinctively visual images. The poems by Douglas Stewart and short film ‘Growth’ directed by Mishka Kornai's are able to convey to their audience their perspective on life experiences. Douglas Stewart’s poetry, specifically ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’, ‘The Snow-Gum’ and ‘Waterlily” explore Stewart’s perspective on the Australian environment and nature surrounding him which is presented to his audience through the use of poetic techniques such as metaphors, anthropomorphism and personification. The short film ‘Growth’ directed by Kornai conveys his perspective of the complex process of growth through the use of shot angle, metaphor and voice over.

Different experiences portrayed by the author can influence the audience in different ways, as seen in Stewart’s poem ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ and ‘The Snow Gum’. ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ focuses on the theme of mutual respect between the lady and the cats, this allows the responder to perceive this situation in a positive light, where as they would have usually ignored. Anthropomorphism is used throughout the poem ‘ never would harm a feather’ to give the stray cats human qualities, this helps the audience relate to the experience of the cats and be influenced by their relationship with the lady. The effective use of metaphor ‘fountains inside her head’ recreates for the responder a distinctively visual image of the lady’s positive thoughts and perspective on the stray cats. Stewart also brings out the positivity, ‘beauty’ and ‘perfection’ of an ordinary moment in the poem ‘Snow Gum’ where Stewart explains his perspective on the tree and its ability to survive in such a harsh environment. Stewart discusses the beauty of nature and the complexity in a simple form of a snow gum tree, this perspective of a single tree can be usually overlooked by a general audience but Stewart uses his poetry to influence his audience to view the tree in a more deeper sense. Stewart conveys this perspective through the use of personification “Performing its slow miracle’ giving the tree human qualities and presenting a distinctively visual image of the tree’s strength and its ability to survive in the harsh snow environment. The use of hyperbole and simile shows an ordinary moment to be perceived in more complexity through the use of distinctively visual , ‘silver light like ecstasy’ creates a vivid image for the responder. Both poems show Stewarts unique perspective on simple moments and experience, therefore influencing the audience to think from a different perspective

Similarly the short film ‘Growth’ be Mishka Kornai highlights the complexity of the process of growth, which is usually overlooked . Kornai influences the viewer and makes them think about the process of growth in a deeper sense. The use of the ariel camera view throughout the whole short film gives the audience an objective view, this new perspective helps eliminate opportunities for preconceptions and judgments, influencing the audiences perspective. The use of similes throughout the voice over creates a distinctively visual image of the process of growth “Growing older is like a line because it never stops.” ‘Growth’ is a 15-minute documentary about human growth and development, Kornai uses testimonies from 75 individuals from all different ages and from all different situations, this shows contrast in how different individuals experience the process of growth. Through shot angle, similes and the contrast of perspectives Kornai is able to portray a distinctively visual summary of the process of growth and influences his audience to gain a different perspective.

Stewart highlights the importance of a simple object in the poem ‘Waterlily’ similar to ‘Growth’ the short film which shows the importance of a simple process, both texts achieve this by describing individuals perspectives. In the poem ‘Waterlily’ the responder is witness to one specific moment an accidental encounter that Stewart recounts through the use of poetic and distinctively visual techniques. Metaphors are used throughout the poem to describe the waterlily, ‘ it is an angel’ the waterlily is described as a heavenly figure which creates a positive image for the responder. As well as comparing the waterlily to an angle throughout the poem, the waterlily is described as a magical feminine figure through words such as ‘wings’ and the pronoun use of ‘her’. The feminine and heavenly image created by language techniques influences the audience to alter their perspective on a regular waterlily, and see the true beauty that is revealed in this one moment and captured by Steward. The poem begins with two imperatives ‘Look, look’ this brings complete attention the the waterlily and Stewart seems to be talking to the audience to bring attention to the importance of the waterlily. Throughout the poem Stewart draws his audience in with the use of imperatives and pronouns such us ‘we’, this allows the responder to be immersed in the specific moment and be influenced by the perspective of Stewart. Stewart expresses his perspective on the beauty of the waterlily caught in one moment, whilst drawing the audience and influencing their views on the flower.

Stewart and Kornai both cleverly create distinctively visual in their texts to help convey their perspectives and influence their audience. Stewart uses poetic techniques to describe a specific moment that would usually be overlooked or ignored by the audience. Stewart influences his audience to perceive these moments in a deeper sense. While Kornai uses visual techniques such as over-head camera view and utilises the contrast of different perspectives on the important process of growth. Kornai forces his audience to view this process from a new perspective through the use of ariel shot angle throughout the whole text.

Here is your essay with my annotations made in bold:

Spoiler

Question: Through distinctively visual, composers can influence other with their own perspectives on life. How are these perspectives conveyed in your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing?

Composers, authors and directors present different perspectives of their own life that can influence their audience by the use of language and visual techniques that create distinctively visual images. ~~The poems by Douglas Stewart~~ Douglas Stewart's poemsand short film ‘Growth’ directed by Mishka Kornai's (Just Mishka Kornai. No apostrophe or s.) are able to convey to their audience their perspective on life experiences. Douglas Stewart’s poetry, specifically ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’, ‘The Snow-Gum’ and ‘Waterlily” explore Stewart’s perspective on the Australian environment and nature surrounding him which is presented to his audience through the use of poetic techniques such as metaphors, anthropomorphism and personification. The short film ‘Growth’ directed by Kornai conveys his perspective of the complex process of growth through the use of shot angle, metaphor and voice over amongst other techniques?

Different experiences portrayed by the author can influence the audience in different ways, as seen in Stewart’s poem ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ and ‘The Snow Gum’. ‘Lady Feeding the Cats’ focuses on the theme of mutual respect between the lady and the cats, this allows the responder to perceive this situation in a positive light, where as they would have usually ignored. I would invert the syntax of this sentence so that you aren't naming three poem titles in a row. So put the poem's title at the end of the sentence.Anthropomorphism is used throughout the poem ‘ never would harm a feather’ to give the stray cats human qualities, this helps the audience relate to the experience of the cats and be influenced by their relationship with the lady. The effective use of metaphor ‘fountains inside her head’ recreates for the responder a distinctively visual image of the lady’s positive thoughts and perspective on the stray cats. Stewart also brings out the positivity, ‘beauty’ and ‘perfection’ of an ordinary moment in the poem ‘Snow Gum’ where Stewart explains his perspective on the tree and its ability to survive in such a harsh environment. Stewart discusses the beauty of nature and the complexity in a simple form of a snow gum tree, this perspective of a single tree can be usually overlooked by a general audience but Stewart uses his poetry to influence his audience to view the tree in a more deeper sense. Stewart conveys this perspective through the use of personification “Performing its slow miracle’ giving the tree human qualities and presenting a distinctively visual image of the tree’s strength and its ability to survive in the harsh snow environment. The use of hyperbole and simile shows an ordinary moment to be perceived in more complexity through the use of distinctively visual , ‘silver light like ecstasy’ creates a vivid image for the responder. Both poems show Stewarts unique perspective on simple moments and experience, therefore influencing the audience to think from a different perspective. This makes perfect sense as an argument :)

Similarly the short film ‘Growth’ be by Mishka Kornai highlights the complexity of the process of growth, which is usually overlooked . Kornai influences the viewer and makes them think about the process of growth in a deeper sense. The use of the ariel camera view throughout the whole short film gives the audience an objective view, this new perspective helps eliminate opportunities for preconceptions and judgments, influencing the audiences perspective. The use of similes throughout the voice over creates a distinctively visual image of the process of growth “Growing older is like a line because it never stops.” ‘Growth’ is a 15-minute documentary about human growth and development, Kornai uses testimonies from 75 individuals from all different ages and from all different situations, this shows contrast in how different individuals experience the process of growth. Through shot angle, similes and the contrast of perspectives Kornai is able to portray a distinctively visual summary of the process of growth and influences his audience to gain a different perspective.

Stewart highlights the importance of a simple object in the poem ‘Waterlily’ similar to ‘Growth’ the short film which shows the importance of a simple process, both texts achieve this by describing individuals perspectives. Awesome link between texts!In the poem ‘Waterlily’ the responder is witness to one specific moment an accidental encounter that Stewart recounts through the use of poetic and distinctively visual techniques. Metaphors are used throughout the poem to describe the waterlily, ‘ it is an angel’ the ~~waterlily~~ (Don't say waterlily for the second time in the sentence. Instead, change the syntax around to avoid sounding repetitive :) is described as a heavenly figure which creates a positive image for the responder. As well as comparing the waterlily to an angle throughout the poem, the waterlily is described as a magical feminine figure through words such as ‘wings’ and the pronoun use of ‘her’. Again, the waterlily twice thing ;)The feminine and heavenly image created by language techniques influences the audience to alter their perspective on a regular waterlily, and see the true beauty that is revealed in this one moment and captured by Steward. The poem begins with two imperatives ‘Look, look’ this brings complete attention the the waterlily and Stewart seems to be talking to the audience to bring attention to the importance of the waterlily. Throughout the poem Stewart draws his audience in with the use of imperatives and pronouns such us ‘we’, this allows the responder to be immersed in the specific moment and be influenced by the perspective of Stewart. Stewart expresses his perspective on the beauty of the waterlily caught in one moment, whilst drawing the audience and influencing their views on the flower.

Stewart and Kornai both cleverly create distinctively visuals? in their texts to ~~help~~ convey their perspectives and influence their audience. Stewart uses poetic techniques to describe a specific moment that would usually be overlooked or ignored by the audience. Stewart influences his audience to perceive these moments in a deeper sense. ~~While~~ Kornai uses visual techniques such as over-head camera view and utilises the contrast of different perspectives on the important process of growth. Kornai forces his audience to view this process from a new perspective through the use of ariel shot angle throughout the whole text.

I think that in your introduction and conclusion, you want to be careful not to specify the techniques that you will discuss later on. This limits your discussion when in fact you could be looking at the whole text in the intro and conclusion rather than specifics.

Your argument 100% makes sense - you should be really proud! It is just a few examples of the way things are written that need tidying. I've pointed out some of these, and they are recurring trends. Be careful that each sentence flows from one to another. Be sure that you aren't repeating the same words or phrases in close succession of one another. It's these kinds of things that are totally easy to fix and elevate your response :)

You should be really proud!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 30, 2016, 08:03:43 am

Quote from: lemonwafers on March 29, 2016, 11:50:58 pm

Hello, this is my essay for my prelims area of study on journey. I tried my best to make the essay look like it's not rushed lol but I don't know if it's good.. Please go easy on the essay marking because I have to memorise it by this Thursday! I am going to start memorising tomorrow morning so would it be okay if you can give me the feedback ASAP? If possible, between 8am-12pm?
I just want to check if everything answers the question and if i have used good examples. Also, can you please provide some simple advice/tips to improve the essay overall?
Thank you!

Hey there! lucky I jumped on ATAR Notes this morning :)

Here is your original essay:

Spoiler

In what ways has your area of study helped you to understand the transformative power of the journey?

Journeys do not only take a person from one place to another but holds the power to transform and enhance them as an individual. The 2002 Australian film ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ directed by Phillip Noyce explores the theme of transformation. Molly, a young half-caste girl is manipulated into white society by the European colony and grows to understand their authority over the Indigenous people and their power etched upon herself through the forced separation from her mother and her land. Transformation is also conveyed in C.P. Cavafy’s 1911 Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ within the traveller who sets out on a voyage and discovers many aspects throughout the journey in which helps him grow into a knowledgeable, experienced and wise person. The two texts demonstrate the power of journeys and the role they play in the enhancement upon an individual’s being.

In the film ’Rabbit Proof Fence’, Molly’s transformation is shown through her journey to the Moore River Settlement with her younger sister Daisy and her cousin Gracie. They are portrayed as powerless and vulnerable to the white government. This idea is shown through the use of a mid-shot, where the policeman’s car, a symbolism of power and capture, can be seen crashing over a broken tree branch, foreshadowing the destruction towards the family he will soon cause. Molly’s mother becomes aware of the situation and warns the three girls to run. The screaming and the fast rhythmic drumbeats create a traumatic atmosphere as Molly’s belonging to her family is being threatened. High angle is used on the policeman when he tries to grab the girls, emphasizing his sense of authority and power against them. Noyce uses a close-up shot on the women’s hands beating against the car window, conveying their weakness and signifying their new separation from each other. Furthermore, a wide shot is used to portray the women in despair lying static on the dry ground, highlighting the desolation caused by the government. The wailing, the howling of the wind and the sound of rock against Molly’s grandmother’s head creates an atmosphere of utter powerlessness and suffering. The audience realizes at this point that Molly is powerless and she has been forced into white society by the control of Mr. Neville and his government.

The audience witnesses Molly’s second transformation in which she becomes a powerful leader. She persists on taking a strong mindset regardless of the consequences of being recaptured by the tracker through the help of being internally connected with her mother. Molly’s dialogue “We’re going home, to mother” and “Tracker’s not gonna get us!” is delivered in a demanding tone, signifying her leadership position and determination of wanting to go back home. Furthermore, symbolism is used in “mother” in whom Molly gains power and a sense of belonging from that initiates her journey. She also refers to “mother” as the main reason she is going back home. After the three girls make their escape, mid shot is used to capture Molly having her arms around Daisy and Gracie while she looks up to the sky and smiles. This highlights that she feels more powerful and happy in the wild in contrast of being trapped in the Moore River Settlement. In addition, a close up shot of Molly saying “Home” as she lifts up Daisy into her arms and walks with her head held high emphasizes that she has regained power and strength from just the thought of reuniting with her mother. The audience is now aware that Molly has become powerful due to the internal connection she shared with her mother and taking on the role as a leader to avoid consequences of being recaptured.

The audience also recognizes Molly’s transformed maturity throughout the film. This idea is supported by Molly’s mother-like behaviors. A close up shot of Molly’s reflective face and the mournful music in the background coalesce to convey a sense of dislocation without Gracie. Molly’s dialogue “C’mon Dais, we gotta go back for Gracie” mirrors a mother-like figure trying to protect her child. When Gracie gets taken away, a close up shot of Molly is used to capture her devastated face. She hunches onto the ground and wails, similar to when the mothers grieved for their children. This shows that Gracie was like a child to Molly, outlining her mother-like figure once again. A medium shot is used when the two girls are eating. Molly has her arm hugged around Daisy’s waist while she sits on her lap. This portrayal is similar to a mother and daughter relationship, conveying the idea that Molly is like a mother to Daisy. Furthermore, when the girls are reunited with their family, a close up is used to capture Molly’s teary eyes as she says “I lost one”. This indicates that Molly’s first instinct was to say that she has failed to protect Gracie, depicting her maturity and leadership quality. The audience at this point is clearly aware of Molly’s transformed maturity through the maternal behaviors shown towards Daisy and Gracie.

The traveller in the Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ contrasts to Molly from the Rabbit Proof Fence. Molly realizes that she is powerless at the beginning of her journey as she goes through real discrimination and obstacles, whereas the complications in the traveller’s journey are only imaginary. In the first stanza, the traveller embarks on an allegorical journey to reach his destination. The narrator advises that he will not encounter real obstacles and the only limitations he will face are his own imaginary fears. The allusion used in ‘Laistrygonians and Cyclops, angry Poseidon – don’t be afraid of them’ alludes to the mythological creatures from the Odyssey. The narrator encourages the traveller and the audience to not be fearful of these obstacles as they are not real for them. Furthermore, the anaphora ‘unless you bring them along inside your soul, unless your soul sets them up in front of you’ conveys the idea that as long as the traveller does not believe in his own fears and limitations, he will not encounter his obstacles. Therefore, we can see that the traveller’s journey to Ithaka allows him to be empowered as his only fears are the ones he places upon himself.

The traveller in the poem contrasts to Molly again. Even though Molly’s journey helped her realize her strength and skills, reuniting with her mother was the main purpose of the journey. However, the narrator advises the traveller that the process of the journey is more important than the destination. In the third stanza, the narrator uses negative imperative ‘do not hurry the journey at all’ so that the traveller does not try to hurry his voyage but instead allows the long journey to transform him as a person. The use of adjectives ‘old’, ‘wealthy’ and ‘rich’ in the third stanza reinforces the idea that the traveller will be knowledgeable, experienced and wise by the time he reaches his destination. Therefore as the reader, we can see that the traveller is able to enjoy and acquire many things from the voyage in which enhances him as an individual.

The two texts ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ and ‘Ithaka’ determine the power of journeys and how they affect an individual’s transformation. The ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ leads their character on a life-changing journey through agony and anguish to a greater maturity. In contrast, the traveller in the poem ‘Ithaka’ is faced with imaginary obstacles and is able to enjoy the long voyage. As a result, both texts are divergent and depict different aspects that affirm the transformative potential of journeys.

Here is your essay with my own annotations in bold:

Spoiler

In what ways has your area of study helped you to understand the transformative power of the journey?

Journeys do not only take a person from one place to another but holds the power to transform and enhance them as an individual. The 2002 Australian film ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ directed by Phillip Noyce explores the theme of transformation. Molly, a young half-caste girl is manipulated into white society by the European colony and grows to understand their authority over the Indigenous people and their power etched upon herself through the forced separation from her mother and her land. Transformation is also conveyed in C.P. Cavafy’s 1911 Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ within the traveller who sets out on a voyage and discovers many aspects throughout the journey in which helps him grow into a knowledgeable, experienced and wise person. The two texts demonstrate the power of journeys and the role they play in the enhancement upon an individual’s being. The question asks for your own opinion - I'm not sure if your teacher wants you to use the first person persona when you talk? I would suggest that they don't because if it is like the HSC AOS, they will ask that you stay well away from the first person. But, good to check :)

In the film ’Rabbit Proof Fence’, Molly’s transformation is shown through her journey to the Moore River Settlement with her younger sister Daisy and her cousin Gracie. They are portrayed as powerless and vulnerable to the white government. This idea is shown through the use of a mid-shot, where the policeman’s car, a symbolism of power and capture, can be seen crashing over a broken tree branch, foreshadowing the destruction towards the family he will soon cause. Molly’s mother becomes aware of the situation and warns the three girls to run. The screaming and the fast rhythmic drumbeats create a traumatic atmosphere as Molly’s belonging to her family is being threatened. High angle is used on the policeman when he tries to grab the girls, emphasizing his sense of authority and power against them. Noyce uses a close-up shot on the women’s hands beating against the car window, conveying their weakness and signifying their new separation from each other. Furthermore, a wide shot is used to portray the women in despair lying static on the dry ground, highlighting the desolation caused by the government. The wailing, the howling of the wind and the sound of rock against Molly’s grandmother’s head creates an atmosphere of utter powerlessness and suffering. The audience realizes at this point that Molly is powerless and she has been forced into white society by the control of Mr. Neville and his government. This is an excellent paragraph in terms of textual analysis. I would finish the paragraph with an explicit journey reference just to seal the deal!

The audience witnesses Molly’s second transformation in which she becomes a powerful leader. Again, I'd make sure that each paragraph starts with an explicit journey reference as well as ends with one.She persists on taking a strong mindset regardless of the consequences of being recaptured by the tracker through the help of being internally connected with her mother. Molly’s dialogue “We’re going home, to mother” and “Tracker’s not gonna get us!” is delivered in a demanding tone, signifying her leadership position and determination of wanting to go back home. Furthermore, symbolism is used in “mother” in whom Molly gains power and a sense of belonging from that initiates her journey. She also refers to “mother” as the main reason she is going back home. After the three girls make their escape, mid shot is used to capture Molly having her arms around Daisy and Gracie while she looks up to the sky and smiles. This highlights that she feels more powerful and happy in the wild in contrast of being trapped in the Moore River Settlement. In addition, a close up shot of Molly saying “Home” as she lifts up Daisy into her arms and walks with her head held high emphasizes that she has regained power and strength from just the thought of reuniting with her mother. The audience is now aware that Molly has become powerful due to the internal connection she shared with her mother and taking on the role as a leader to avoid consequences of being recaptured.

The audience also recognizes Molly’s transformed maturity throughout the film. This idea is supported by Molly’s mother-like behaviors. A close up shot of Molly’s reflective face and the mournful music in the background coalesce to convey a sense of dislocation without Gracie. Molly’s dialogue “C’mon Dais, we gotta go back for Gracie” mirrors a mother-like figure trying to protect her child. When Gracie gets taken away, a close up shot of Molly is used to capture her devastated face. She hunches onto the ground and wails, similar to when the mothers grieved for their children. This shows that Gracie was like a child to Molly, outlining her mother-like figure once again. A medium shot is used when the two girls are eating. Molly has her arm hugged around Daisy’s waist while she sits on her lap. This portrayal is similar to a mother and daughter relationship, conveying the idea that Molly is like a mother to Daisy. Furthermore, when the girls are reunited with their family, a close up is used to capture Molly’s teary eyes as she says “I lost one”. This indicates that Molly’s first instinct was to say that she has failed to protect Gracie, depicting her maturity and leadership quality. The audience at this point is clearly aware of Molly’s transformed maturity through the maternal behaviors shown towards Daisy and Gracie. Bring it back to journey :)

The traveller in the Greek poem ‘Ithaka’ contrasts to Molly from the Rabbit Proof Fence. Molly realizes that she is powerless at the beginning of her journey as she goes through real discrimination and obstacles, whereas the complications in the traveller’s journey are only imaginary.Awesome journey sentence! In the first stanza, the traveller embarks on an allegorical journey to reach his destination. The narrator advises that he will not encounter real obstacles and the only limitations he will face are his own imaginary fears. The allusion used in ‘Laistrygonians and Cyclops, angry Poseidon – don’t be afraid of them’ alludes to the mythological creatures from the Odyssey. The narrator encourages the traveller and the audience to not be fearful of these obstacles as they are not real for them. Furthermore, the anaphora ‘unless you bring them along inside your soul, unless your soul sets them up in front of you’ conveys the idea that as long as the traveller does not believe in his own fears and limitations, he will not encounter his obstacles. Therefore, we can see that the traveller’s journey to Ithaka allows him to be empowered as his only fears are the ones he places upon himself.

The traveller in the poem contrasts to Molly again. Even though Molly’s journey helped her realize her strength and skills, reuniting with her mother was the main purpose of the journey. However, the narrator advises the traveller that the process of the journey is more important than the destination. In the third stanza, the narrator uses negative imperative ‘do not hurry the journey at all’ so that the traveller does not try to hurry his voyage but instead allows the long journey to transform him as a person. The use of adjectives ‘old’, ‘wealthy’ and ‘rich’ in the third stanza reinforces the idea that the traveller will be knowledgeable, experienced and wise by the time he reaches his destination. Therefore as the reader, we can see that the traveller is able to enjoy and acquire many things from the voyage in which enhances him as an individual.

I would start this conclusive paragraph with a sentence about YOUR understanding of journey (even if not in the first person) instead of jumping into the texts. The two texts ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ and ‘Ithaka’ determine the power of journeys and how they affect an individual’s transformation. The ‘Rabbit Proof Fence’ leads their character on a life-changing journey through agony and anguish to a greater maturity. In contrast, the traveller in the poem ‘Ithaka’ is faced with imaginary obstacles and is able to enjoy the long voyage. As a result, both texts are divergent and depict different aspects that affirm the transformative potential of journeys.

Awesome response. Your textual analysis is awesome! The next step for you is making sure that you are nailing journey. Each paragraph should start and end with explicit journey references to make sure that you are showing the marker that you know EXACTLY what you are talking about in the area of study! You'll do so well :) Good luck!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Jess Semken on April 19, 2016, 06:08:53 pm

Hello there,
Thank you very much in advance, this is an essay for section 3 Discovery that I wrote in exam conditions in 40 minutes. Could you please 'go crazy' with marking and are you able to check that my thesis and topic sentences make sense throughout, that my use of language is correct, that I have written to the verb "Discuss" and that the points I have made are suitable for the question. Also i have trouble with conclusions so could I please have some tips for that. :)
Thanks again,
Jessica

Section 3 15 mark 2015 practice examination question :
"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.

Acknowledging ones humanly wonder can often evoke personal discoveries and understandings to be enriched for the individual. Ang Lee's film Life of Pi and the late 1800s poem Invictus, written by William Ernest Henley, explore the challenges that individuals undergo when accepting the wonder created by facing challenges that result in discoveries. By the author and director's use of techniques distinctive themes and forms are created from which the concept of discovery is explored.

Personal curiosity often tests individuals whilst undergoing a process of discovery. Pi is faced with extreme challenge when isolated due to the sinking of a cargo ship transporting all elements of life he previously knew. The deliberate naming of this ship the Jewish religious term of 'Tsium Tsum' and the emphasis of this by use of a long shot of the bow of the ship during the treacherous storm portray to the audience the space that is created for enriching discoveries,enabled by curiosity, to occur for the protagonist. Anthropomorphism is used to highlight Pi's curiosity into the savage side of his personality. The discoveries that Pi undergoes of the contrasting aspects of his personality whilst fighting to survive are triggered by his wonder of self whilst faced with challenge.

Similarly, when faced with adversity one's sense of wonder is enriched allowing reflection of discoveries to occur. Ernest Henley's poem Invictus symbolises the challenges that he faced whilst undergoing personal discoveries triggered by experiences of Tuberculosis. The line "my head is bloody but unbowed" creates a tone of the passion and strength that triggered the author's experiences of personal discovery to occur whilst challenged with disease. His reflection of his containment highlights the curiosity of his experience which allowed new understandings of himself to develop.

Religious discoveries are used by humans to assist in forming answers to the great wonders of life. Pi's investigation of numerous religious traditions in the beginning of the film shows the audience that Pi is longing for a discovery of answers. The use of Christian hymn-like music and use of glowing lights, symbolising religious experience, when the Tsium Tsium is sinking emphasise the enriching discovers that are undergone due to the ship sinking. From this experience Pi's curiosity triggers answers to be formed by his reflection of religious discoveries prior and during his isolation. Ang Lee's use of these techniques create a deeper sense of discovery to be portrayed to the audience, provoking curiosity in the viewers into their personal questions that they seek answers to by adherence to religion.

Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for the individual in contrast to if the uncovering was pressured. The theme of reflection is created in the poem Invictus by the authors use of language of the 1st person. This portrays to the reader the depth of discovery enabled by the reflective wonder of the author when writing his poem decades after his experiences with disease. The line "in the fell clutch of circumstance" uses personification to express the extent of traumatic experiences effect on Ernest Henley. The authors personal choice to reflect on the challenges he faced by writing Invictus, evoked by his curiosity, highlight the depth of personal discovery that was enabled by surviving the challenge of disease.

By discussion of experiences of discovery, triggered by wonder, undergone by protagonist characters in the texts Invictus and Life of Pi, the statement that curiosity evokes enriching understandings to occur can be proven when the individual is faced with a challenge which enables answers to be formed.An analysis of techniques and features created by the author and director provide points from which the viewers responses to the texts are formed that thoroughly explore the concept of discovery.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on April 21, 2016, 09:43:07 am

Quote from: Jess Semken on April 19, 2016, 06:08:53 pm

Hello there,
Thank you very much in advance, this is an essay for section 3 Discovery that I wrote in exam conditions in 40 minutes. Could you please 'go crazy' with marking and are you able to check that my thesis and topic sentences make sense throughout, that my use of language is correct, that I have written to the verb "Discuss" and that the points I have made are suitable for the question. Also i have trouble with conclusions so could I please have some tips for that. :)
Thanks again,
Jessica

Section 3 15 mark 2015 practice examination question :
"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.

Hey there! Sure thing Jessica!
Here is your original essay in the spoiler:

Spoiler

Here are my annotations written in bold throughout your essay:

Spoiler

"Discoveries are often evoked by curiosity and wonder, offering up new understandings of ourselves and the world we live in"
Discuss this statement in relation to your prescribed and additional texts.

Acknowledging ones humanly wonder can often evoke personal discoveries and understandings to be enriched for the individual. I really like this opening because it talks about acknowledging an inherent wonder, and that's really unique. "Exploring" the wonder is more common, but acknowledging is a step deeper I think. Ang Lee's film Life of Pi and the late 1800s poem Invictus, written by William Ernest Henley, explore the challenges that individuals undergo when accepting the wonder created by facing challenges that result in discoveries. By the author and director's use of techniques distinctive themes and forms are created from which the concept of discovery is explored. My only criticism about this introduction is that you only offer concepts of discovery that are in the essay question. The best responses take on the question, they put the texts to the question and then they explore from there. Obviously this was in exam situation, but it's something you should keep in mind. By even adding a second sentence after the initial sentence where you introduce more ideas about discovery, you open up the ability to have a richer discussion because you have another thread to follow throughout.

Personal curiosity often tests individuals whilst undergoing a process of discovery. I love that you start the paragraph without talking about the text. That's great.Pi is faced with extreme challenge when isolated due to the sinking of a cargo ship transporting all elements of life he previously knew. The deliberate naming of this ship the Jewish religious term of 'Tsium Tsum' and the emphasis of this by use of a long shot of the bow of the ship during the treacherous storm portray to the audience the space that is created for enriching discoveries,enabled by curiosity, to occur for the protagonist. Anthropomorphism ~~is used to~~ highlights Pi's curiosity into the savage side of his personality. Maybe I'm just finding it hard to find because I've added my own annotations, but where is the textual reference to the anthropomorphism? I can't see a quote that uses this.The discoveries that Pi undergoes of the contrasting aspects of his personality whilst fighting to survive are triggered by his wonder of self whilst faced with challenge. I'm not seeing a direct connection between the Jewish religious term and what you are saying the effect of it is. Particularly because you said the "deliberate" naming. That makes me feel like there's a real significance to Judaism here but I don't see it reflected in your analysis.

Similarly, when faced with adversity one's sense of wonder is enriched allowing reflection of discoveries to occur. Ernest Henley's poem Invictus symbolises the challenges that he faced whilst undergoing personal discoveries triggered by experiences of Tuberculosis. The line (avoid saying, the line, the quote, the sentence, etc. Just write the quote and don't give it that introduction, unless you wanted to put in brackets at the end the chapter it is from, but you would only do that if there was significance to that spot in the story.) "my head is bloody but unbowed" creates a tone of the passion and strength that triggered the author's experiences of personal discovery to occur whilst challenged with disease. His reflection of his containment highlights the curiosity of his experience which allowed new understandings of himself to develop. I think you are fleshing out discovery well, I'm italicising (is that a word?) every time you use it so that you can see it clearly - you're doing a good job of being consistent. One of the biggest problems is that people don't feel like they need to say "discovery" because they see it as a given. Not right. You're doing it really well.

Religious discoveries are used by humans to assist in forming answers to the great wonders of life. "Religious discoveries" wasn't mentioned in your introduction but probably could be. I mentioned in the intro that you should present more ideas about discovery. It seems that you're fleshing out these ideas anyway, they're just not yet in your intro. Pi's investigation of numerous religious traditions in the beginning of the film shows the audience that Pi is longing for a discovery of answers. The use of Christian hymn-like music and use of glowing lights, symbolising religious experience, when the Tsium Tsium is sinking emphasise the enriching discovers that are undergone due to the ship sinking. From this experience Pi's curiosity triggers answers to be formed by his reflection of religious discoveries prior and during his isolation. Ang Lee's use of these techniques create a deeper sense of discovery to be portrayed to the audience, provoking curiosity in the viewers into their personal questions that they seek answers to by adherence to religion. This is a really meaty paragraph, it's awesome. You've made a good link back to the essay question.

Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for the individual in contrast to if the uncovering was pressured. I think the wording here is awkward, I read the sentence three times before I understood. "Discoveries evoked by curiosity are often more enriching for an individual than a meticulous/calculated/planned discovery." This is just an idea. You'll need to play with it a little bit more. The theme of reflection is created in the poem Invictus by the authors use of language of the 1st person. This portrays ~~to the reader~~ the depth of discovery enabled by the reflective wonder of the author when writing his poem decades after his experiences with disease. The line "in the fell clutch of circumstance" uses personification to express the extent of traumatic experiences effect on Ernest Henley. You can change the syntax here so it reads: "The use of personification in, "the fell clutch of circumstance...." It just sounds a tiny bit more academic. You're driving the sentence with personification, not the line.The authors personal choice to reflect on the challenges he faced by writing Invictus, evoked by his curiosity, highlight the depth of personal discovery that was enabled by surviving the challenge of disease. It's really wonderful that you always bring it back to discovery.

By discussion of experiences of discovery, triggered by wonder, undergone by protagonist characters in the texts Invictus and Life of Pi, the statement that curiosity evokes enriching understandings to occur can be proven when the individual is faced with a challenge which enables answers to be formed.An analysis of techniques and features created by the author and director provide points from which the viewers responses to the texts are formed that thoroughly explore the concept of discovery. I'd break up this conclusion a bit. You've got two sentences that are both quite long. I recommend this structure:

-Make a statement about discovery.
-CLaim that the texts are a testament to this notion.
-Mention the other ideas of discovery that you mentioned as supporting notions to your main thesis.
-End the way that you currently have.

End Notes:

Seriously awesome job. You've done well here! You always link things back to discovery which is giving your essay massive points. Your introduction and conclusion need a little more fleshing out in order to start it off strong and bring it home well. Easy done!

You're sitting on about 600 words. If you could extend yourself to 700, and eventually 800, you'll be able to fit in a lot more textual analysis. Your essay is dropping in that your paragraphs aren't equally meaty and they tend to deal with one or two quotes each when I would aim for three per text per paragraph. This gives you the opportunity to flesh out the discovery in the text more, but also gives you the option to use your text as a supporting resource to your thesis about discovery, because that's what this is ultimately about, discovery, not the texts.

You've done a really awesome job, particularly considering this was in exam conditions. If anything I've said doesn't really make sense, post back!

If you comb through every sentence with scrutiny and ask "what does this sentence add? Could I rearrange the sentence to put my point in a stronger way? Does this add to the conversation about discovery?" then you'll have a really awesome essay.

You've done so well!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: fluffchuck on April 29, 2016, 10:48:44 pm

May I ask, do you do essay marking for preliminary? Thanks!!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 30, 2016, 12:58:19 pm

Quote from: fluffchuck on April 29, 2016, 10:48:44 pm

May I ask, do you do essay marking for preliminary? Thanks!!

Hey fluffchuck! Welcome to the forums ;D

Totally! We may or may not have knowledge of your text, but that's okay, we can still give you feedback about your structure, analysis, etc ;D just post your essay either as a post or an attachment and we'll get you some feedback! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 30, 2016, 01:00:23 pm

Quote from: amandali on April 29, 2016, 08:39:58 pm

Can you mark my essay and also find what bits I can cut out thanks

I've got your essay amandali and you can expect some feedback by the end of the weekend!! ;D thanks for posting it!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 01, 2016, 01:27:23 am

Quote from: amandali on April 29, 2016, 08:39:58 pm

Can you mark my essay and also find what bits I can cut out thanks

Okay amandali, here you go! Essay is attached with some helpful comments throughout ;D

Spoiler

In what ways are people and their experiences brought to life through the distinctively visual?

As Umberto Eco argues, a composer who makes use of distinctly visual language is one that relies on the image as a stimulus for critical reflection. Referencing literary critics is AWESOME, but it is a little better to directly quote, rather than paraphrase. Try finding the specific place that Eco argues this and quote part of it. Henry Lawson is a composer who effectively fulfils this criterion, as his astute first-hand observation and masterful use of distinctly visual language bring to life people and their experiences of bush life in the hostile and unforgiving Australian outback. In his short story, The Drover’s Wife, Lawson employs a distinctive visual through vivid sensory imagery, vernacular expression and laconic language to bring to life a bush woman’s survival in a stark narrative landscape to induce critical reflection for the reader and empathetic immersion in the character’s physical and psychological experience of bush life. This is a fantastic Thesis! I think it needs a more conclusive end, perhaps blended with a list of what your paragraphs will be covering. These are the two things you are missing, add them and you are perfect!! EG - "Through exploration of themes such as ____, ______, ______, Lawson is able to..."

In The Drover’s Wife, Lawson brings to life the experience of survival against the dangers of isolation in a barren environment through the use of vivid sensory imagery, which draws reader into immediacy of her present crisis of being abandoned in the bush. Wording could be slightly stronger here, try being succinct through clever word choice to get your ideas across. For example, this idea could be synthesised to: "draws the reader into the crisis of her abandonment in the bush." Lawson deliberately leaves the woman unnamed in order to construct her as a symbol of all bush women who held the family together while their husbands were out “droving”. The use of stagnant imagery in “four ragged dried-up looking children” and “gaunt, sun-browned woman” depicts the dry, fatigued appearance of the drover’s wife and her children. Lawson here further alludes to the parched landscape in The Loaded Dog where “creek was low, just a chain of muddy water holes”. I do really like that you reference another text by the same composer! Contextualise it's inclusion just a little bit more, identify that it is another text by Lawson, use it a little more powerfully than just a simple comparison. Lots of potential here! In The Drover’s Wife, Lawson accentuates an atmosphere of lifelessness and reveals the family’s fragility and struggle within the abrasive environment, reinforces a sense of scarcity and desperation, thereby promoting sympathy in readers. How? This is definitely the crux of your paragraph, this is what you should be pushing here, and I'm not quite getting it from your examples. The barrenness of the environment is elucidated through the diseased imagery of “the stunted, rotten apple trees”. Watch syntax! The “apple trees” allude to the Biblical setting of Garden of Eden, where their “stunted” and “rotten” appearance suggests the degradation of Paradise. What does this elucidate? What experience does this visual image portray? Through the use of distinctly visual, Lawson vividly elucidates the hardships in the bush whilst conveying the stoicism and resilience of bush people through his powerful construction of an image of worn-out characters living in a forbidding and hostile environment.The ideas are here, the techniques are here, but I don't think they are linked as effectively as possible!

In addition, Lawson brings to life the distinctive experience of the isolated rural environment through the use of language techniques conveyed with a clipped tone in order to avoid ~~sentimentalising or~~ romanticising the drover’s wife’s life experiences. I'd stick with romanticising only in that sentence. This is exemplified by the alliteration in "no undergrowth, nothing to relieve the eye.... " which emphasises the visual image of an expansive landscape filled with emptiness and monotony. Try referencing your quotes a little more cleverly, EG, "the alliterative phrase, "Blah..."" As a result, the drover’s wife’s narrow world has stunted her growth and life-opportunities, denying her the capacity to find pleasure in life. This is established through the metaphor, “all her girlish hopes and aspirations have long been dead”, which conveys that her youthfulness and optimism has drained away as she braves the conditions of the bush and sacrifices herself to protect her children. This is also marked by a fatalistic tone which expresses her resignation as she is not part of the world she dreams of living in “castles in the air”. With the use of distinctly visual language, Lawson powerfully constructs an image of survival that causes readers to admire the drover’s wife persistence and the sacrifices she makes to protect her children. This paragraph is much better! It could be a little longer, perhaps add one more example? But the link between techniques and ideas is much more effective.

Furthermore, Lawson brings to life the central danger in the story through the use of laconic language which reinforces the blunt and fated nature of life for the drover’s wife. I think your central concept could be stronger than "danger." Be more specific or insightful if you can! This is shown through the vicious image of primeval Biblical snake in "an evil pair of small, bright, bead-like eyes". Here Lawson suggests that the drover’s wife mirrors Eve who has been tempted by the snake that causes her to be banished from Paradise.You can be more succinct here, this is a story well-known enough to just reference in passing. The sense of danger during the battle with the snake is accentuated by the actions of the dog, Alligator, as it “snaps” and “pulls” at the snake. It's not a big issue with your writing, but remember the focus is on Lawson's representation of the dog, not the actions of the dog. The use of active verbs shows Alligator’s aggressiveness and also conveys that it is a loyal and significant companion to the drover’s wife’s family as it helps them to deal with the horrifying dangers in the relentless environment. This is reinforced through the diseased imagery of nature with the use of the oxymoron “sickly daylight” in the final scene which recaptures the “everlasting” and horrifying realism of the bush life. Here, Lawson describes “daylight”, something traditionally symbolic of rebirth and renewal, as “sickly” to reflect the loss of hope and to indicate that the struggle to survive against the elements is ceaseless and will not nourish or forgive. Through the use of distinctly visual, Lawson captures the drover’s wife’s experience by developing an evocative sketch of her hostile environment, which evokes sympathy in readers and prompts them to reflect on the notions of motherhood amidst the bush. This paragraph has effective ideas, but again, remember to focus on Lawson and technique! I feel you slip ever so slightly into retell towards the middle.

Moreover, Lawson brings to life the strong and determined character of Australian people through the use of vernacular expression in their dialogue, which builds the realism and authenticity of their experience. Again, I feel the conceptual drive here could be stronger. Really, this could just be a sentence supporting another paragraph, it isn't quite powerful enough by itself. The drover’s wife’s son, Tom, wants to kill the possums as he exclaimed “I’d like to screw their blanky necks” with coarse language replaced by euphemism. This amplifies his desire to be perceived as a man by dealing with the threats to his family, but also reflects the chaos and harshness of the environment he is growing up in. Remember (as a general thing, something that would suit well here), What do we take from that reflection? The drover’s wife, however, refuses to put him danger and takes on a masculine role instead, as shown through her dialogue “Come here at once when I tell you, you little wretch!”. The coarseness and bluntness of her language reveals the sternness in her demand, with no sign of femininity, which reiterates that the harshness of the environment can toughen bush women. Her masculinity is furthered through by her reaction against the snake as shown through the active verbs such as "dashes", "snatches", and "reaches". This conjures up images of immediacy which demonstrates her fierce independence, physical strength and quick-thinking, therefore revealing her resilience, tenacity and fortitude in surviving “while her husband was away”. In this way, Lawson illustrates the people and their experience whilst conveying their stoicism and resilience through his depiction of the relentless bush with his distinctive use of language.

In conclusion, Lawson brings to life the people and their experiences through the powerful construction of his vision of the monotonous and tough daily life in the barren and isolated environment in The Drover’s Wife, with the use of distinctive language. You can create a more powerful statement by rearranging your phrases, making sure everything flows a little smoother. You can also remove 'in conclusion. As Umberto Eco argues, the distinctly visual becomes a medium for critical reflection and through Lawson’s masterful use of imagery and language, he elucidates the stoicism and resilience of bush people which evokes sympathy in readers. Cool! I like, nice and succinct!

This is a really great essay amandali, super awesome! Good explanation of a nice variety of techniques and ideas.

I would say some stronger, more insightful concepts would yield more perceptive paragraphs. For example, your fourth paragraph is set up as quite simple (use of vernacular language to craft the Australian context). By identifying techniques early on, you restrict the scope of your paragraph. I would start by coming up with some more insightful, more broad ideas on which to base your paragraphs. First two are absolutely fine, the third and fourth are a little weaker conceptually.

Besides this, simply ensure your analysis is always spot on. Remember to mention what we, as an audience, take from the text, and make sure that you always have a TECHNIQUE, an EXPLANATION, a mention of AUDIENCE/IMPACT, and a LINK TO CONCEPT (which may be implied through your explanation). Go to Tea ;)

Two things to consider, but I think this is a great essay amandali! Well done! ;D

Oh, and in terms of something to cut the length down, try cutting down to three body paragraphs! Pick your least favourite paragraph and remove it, and that will give you some extra wiggle room! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Alyssapensini on May 03, 2016, 10:18:56 am

Hey!

I'm in Prelim, but I have a speech I'd love for you to mark please! It's not very good, I got totally shut down by my teacher, but I need you to help me where I should fix it.
AOS: Changing Perspective
Prescribed film - Looking for Alibrandi by Kate Woods
ORT - Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi

I just need you to help me fix it please!
My teacher marked it 30/60 for the practice run! UH OH.

Thanks heaps!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on May 03, 2016, 05:39:08 pm

Quote from: Alyssapensini on May 03, 2016, 10:18:56 am

Hey!

I'm in Prelim, but I have a speech I'd love for you to mark please! It's not very good, I got totally shut down by my teacher, but I need you to help me where I should fix it.
AOS: Changing Perspective
Prescribed film - Looking for Alibrandi by Kate Woods
ORT - Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi

I just need you to help me fix it please!
My teacher marked it 30/60 for the practice run! UH OH.

Thanks heaps!

Hey there! Your essay is marked out of a really huge number - that's so unusual!

Just a quick disclaimer, I haven't studied these texts or this AOS. So I'll mainly focus on the structure and language and we will see what we can do.

Here is your original

Spoiler

A change in perspective can come from different life experiences or from the opinions of others. Changing perspective is an inevitable part of human life, that is of a high value. In the film Looking for Alibrandi by Kate Woods and the novel Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi, the protagonists experience the changing perspective process and learn how it enables one to love and accept themselves, and can also help to bring individuals together. Each composer uses a variety of techniques to show the changing perspective process.
In the beginning of the prescribed film, Looking for Alibrandi, Josie lacks confidence in herself, her family and her culture. Woods uses first person narrative through Josie’s voiceover, “Do I really belong here?” This shows that Josie is hesitant and questioning if she really does belong in her family’s culture. Throughout the film, Josie learns that she doesn’t have to fit in to still be a part of the family, even though, Nonna, Josie’s grandmother, has strong opinions about the woman Josie must grow up to be. Josie learns to accept herself for who she is and realises that she is an independent young woman who will grow up to be the woman she’s destined to be, whether it’s Nonna’s ideal or not. In the end, Josie learns this by revealing the mistakes her grandmother made when she was younger, that were against her culture’s traditions. This change in perspective is evident in the quote, “But I know now, that what’s important is who I feel I am.” Woods uses first person narrative through Josie’s voiceover, to enable responders to see the clear contrast of the change from her first perspective, to her new one.
In addition to the film, Portia de Rossi explores the changing perspective process in her autobiography, Unbearable Lightness. In her novel, de Rossi recounts her early life and the turmoil she faced as she fought an eating disorder. Portia’s initial perspective of herself at the age of 12 was hateful. Portia began believing her disorder as the voices in her head grew louder, telling her she was worthless. This is suggested through the quote, “You have no self-control. You don’t deserve this job.” De Rossi displays a metaphor, as the quote is presented, to what she refers to, as the voices in her head, that represent her conscience. These voices disabled her from seeing the young lady she really was. In the latter stages of the novel, de Rossi explains how her recovery from her eating disorder enabled her to find the love for herself she’d never had. De Rossi uses imperative tone and second person narrative to highlight the changing perspective process in the quote, “In other words, accept yourself… Most important, in order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are….” During her changing perspective process, De Rossi learned she can be herself while attaining love from others.
Throughout the film Looking for Alibrandi, Woods explores the change in perspective of Nonna. Towards the beginning of the film, Nonna is very judgemental towards Josie’s father Michael, and doesn’t accept him as part of the family because he is Asutralian. Josie has an epiphany about New Year’s Eve that leads her to realising that Nonna had a relationship with an Australian man, going against the family’s culture. Josie rightfully accuses Nonna of being a hypocrite. Towards the end of the argument scene, Josie’s heartache is shown through the quote, “He’s my father. If you love me, you’ll accept that.” Woods uses dialog to show the need for Nonna to accept Michael as Josie’s father. In the final scene of the movie, Michael is seen stirring a pot of tomatoes at the family’s Tomato Day gathering. This shows that Nonna’s perspective towards Michael changed, and she finally accepted him as part of the family.
Similarly, in the chosen text, Unbearable Lightness, De Rossi explores her grandmothers change in perspective about Portia’s sexuality. In the beginning, Portia and her mother had decided to keep Portia’s sexuality secret from her grandmother. This is evident in the quote, “My mother and I had decided that she was too old… the words ‘I’m gay’ might just stop her heart.” Woods uses a hyperbole to reinforce the idea that Portia’s Gran wasn’t going to accept her granddaughter as gay. It wasn’t until after Portia moved in with Ellen DeGeneres, that Portia admitted to her Grandmother that she was gay, and to her surprise, her grandmother was rather accepting. Her Gran told her she loved her ‘just the same’. Towards the end of the novel, de Rossi quotes, “Gran showed me that people change, including me, as I was certain that a woman born in 1907 in a small town in rural Australia would never be able to accept me.” De Rossi uses reflective tone to show how Gran’s perspective of Portia was altered as they were brought together.
From studying the film, Looking for Alibrandi, and the novel, Unbearable Lightness, responders can conclude that everyone goes through changing perspective at some stage. From the studies, both protagonists came from very different backgrounds, yet they both still experienced change of perspective. This indicates it can happen to anyone and it can have a positive or negative affect on an individual.
Thank you.

Here is your speech with my own thoughts written in bold font:

Spoiler

A change in perspective can come from different life experiences or from the opinions of others. Changing perspective is an inevitable part of human life, that is of a high value. I think it is great that you've dedicated a whole two first sentences to talking about the AOS and not mentioning the texts. This is what the AOS module expects - they want you to show your knowledge of the ideas and simply support them with your knowledge of texts. Just a small thing about your first sentence - "from the opinions of others" - this is a little unclear to me. Do you mean the public opinions of others? The opinions that others may have but also may not - the individual is paranoid? Just try be as specific as possible in this part here so that your ideas are open for fleshing out, but you also show that you have direction. In the film Looking for Alibrandi by produced by? composed by? Kate Woods and the novel Unbearable Lightness by written by, composed by... Portia de Rossi, the protagonists experience t~~he changing perspective process~~ the process of changing perspectives and learn how it enables one to love and accept themselves, and can also help to bring individuals together. This last part of the sentence is a bit of an add on. I see that its an important part of the ideas but it sits awkwardly. Perhaps try sit it on its own in a new sentence, or cut the sentence in half before the "learn how it..." so that your really long sentence is now in two medium size sentences. Each composer uses a variety of techniques to show the changing perspective process.
I'd open this paragraph by fleshing out an idea about changing perspectives that you want to explore in the paragraph. It just directs your text with a strong reference to the AOS.In the beginning of the prescribed film, Looking for Alibrandi, Josie lacks confidence in herself, her family and her culture. Woods uses first person narrative through Josie’s voiceover, “Do I really belong here?” This shows that Josie is hesitant and questioning if she really does belong in her family’s culture. Throughout the film, Josie learns that she doesn’t have to fit in to still be a part of the family, even though, Nonna, Josie’s grandmother, has strong opinions about the woman Josie must grow up to be. Josie learns to accept herself for who she is and realises that she is an independent young woman who will grow up to be the woman she’s destined to be, whether it’s Nonna’s ideal or not. In the end, Josie learns this by revealing the mistakes her grandmother made when she was younger, that were against her culture’s traditions. At this point I just want to draw your attention to the fact that you haven't analysed the text in the last three sentences. So although you are providing story retell that you deem to be important, it doesn't add to the discussion about the AOS or the text's support of that. If there is a sentence that doesn't directly do either of those, then it doesn't need to be in your work. Valuable analysis time is being used on story retell. This change in perspective is evident in the quote, Avoid saying "the quote," this seems to be a bit of a jagged part of your work, when instead it could flow wonderfully. Swap it for "evident in the first person, "But I know..." “But I know now, that what’s important is who I feel I am.” Woods uses first person narrative through Josie’s voiceover, to enable responders to see the clear contrast of the change from her first perspective, to her new one. This is one of the most explicit references to the AOS, its great! Make sure you go back and all the way throughout your paragraph, you come back to a distinct idea about the AOS.
In addition to the film, Portia de Rossi explores the changing perspective process in her autobiography, Unbearable Lightness. We need to identify what kind of changing perspective is happening here. This goes for the last paragraph as well. It isn't enough to identify the AOS, you need to challenge it, tease it out, etc. Your thesis needs to be original to show it isn't stock standard from the syllabus. You need to use the syllabus to branch out and find an idea about the AOS that is evident in your texts. That is the next step for you in my opinion is to elevate your work with an original thesis. It's a big plunge to take. So, I suggest you take an overarching idea, then two smaller ones that come out from there. Then weave them through your essay. In your introduction you mentioned some new perspectives, but you didn't recognise these in your following paragraphs. Once you carry it through, you'll realise an enormous lift in your work! In her novel, de Rossi recounts her early life and the turmoil she faced as she fought an eating disorder. Portia’s initial perspective of herself at the age of 12 was hateful. Portia began believing her disorder as the voices in her head grew louder, telling her she was worthless. This is story retell again :)This is suggested through ~~the quote~~, “You have no self-control. You don’t deserve this job.” De Rossi displays a metaphor, as the quote is presented, to what she refers to, as the voices in her head, that represent her conscience. You need to make sure that each sentence that analyses a quote shows this: quote, technique, critical analysis of the purpose of the technique. Once you've ticked them off, you can bring in a little story retell to ground your quote in context. These voices disabled her from seeing the young lady she really was. In the latter stages of the novel, de Rossi explains how her recovery from her eating disorder enabled her to find the love for herself she’d never had. De Rossi uses imperative tone and second person narrative to highlight the changing perspective process in the quote, “In other words, accept yourself… Most important, in order to find real happiness, you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are….” During her changing perspective process, De Rossi learned she can be herself while attaining love from others.
Throughout the film Looking for Alibrandi, Woods explores the change in perspective of Nonna. Towards the beginning of the film, Nonna is very judgemental towards Josie’s father Michael, and doesn’t accept him as part of the family because he is Asutralian. Josie has an epiphany about New Year’s Eve that leads her to realising that Nonna had a relationship with an Australian man, going against the family’s culture. Josie rightfully accuses Nonna of being a hypocrite. Towards the end of the argument scene, Josie’s heartache is shown through the quote, “He’s my father. If you love me, you’ll accept that.” Woods uses dialog to show the need for Nonna to accept Michael as Josie’s father. In the final scene of the movie, Michael is seen stirring a pot of tomatoes at the family’s Tomato Day gathering. This shows that Nonna’s perspective towards Michael changed, and she finally accepted him as part of the family.
Similarly, in the chosen text, Unbearable Lightness, De Rossi explores her grandmothers change in perspective about Portia’s sexuality. In the beginning, Portia and her mother had decided to keep Portia’s sexuality secret from her grandmother. This is evident in the quote, “My mother and I had decided that she was too old… the words ‘I’m gay’ might just stop her heart.” Woods uses a hyperbole to reinforce the idea that Portia’s Gran wasn’t going to accept her granddaughter as gay. It wasn’t until after Portia moved in with Ellen DeGeneres, that Portia admitted to her Grandmother that she was gay, and to her surprise, her grandmother was rather accepting. Her Gran told her she loved her ‘just the same’. Towards the end of the novel, de Rossi quotes, “Gran showed me that people change, including me, as I was certain that a woman born in 1907 in a small town in rural Australia would never be able to accept me.” De Rossi uses reflective tone to show how Gran’s perspective of Portia was altered as they were brought together.
From studying the film, Looking for Alibrandi, and the novel, Unbearable Lightness, responders can conclude that everyone goes through changing perspective at some stage. From the studies, both protagonists came from very different backgrounds, yet they both still experienced change of perspective. This indicates it can happen to anyone and it can have a positive or negative affect on an individual. This would be the place to secure your understanding of the AOS. I'd open the conclusion with the AOS like you did in the introduction; privilege the AOS over the texts.
~~Thank you.~~ Unless you've been specified to thank the audience, I don't think it is necessary :)

Okay! We've got some good stuff to work with - it definitely isn't like you need to start from scratch.

TO sum up the above, consider these:

-The AOS should be privileged over the texts.
-Textual analysis should be privileged over the story retell.
-Only use story retell where it provides essential information to understand a section of the analysis.
-Don't just talk about the AOS for its title, instead, use the AOS as a starting point and then branch out. Discuss different ideas about changing perspectives. This is important so that your essay is incredibly unique, distinct, and shows a marker that you're comfortable challenging the texts.
-Start and finish every paragraph with your ideas about the AOS. This gives direction but also helps with privileging the AOS over the texts - very important for this module.

You'll do well! I have no doubt. You're at a starting point now - the hard part is over because you've actually written something. From here on in it is just about editing, changing, rearranging, until you get yourself in a positive of optimum marks.

If you're delivering this in person, be sure to be confident, make eye contact, etc, you know how it is. This is valuable beyond a single assessment though, because you're essentially working with an essay which is excellent for any future AOS essays you have both in prelim and in HSC!

Best of luck! Please clarify anything that doesn't make sense :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: hannahboardman98 on May 31, 2016, 05:50:42 pm

Hi this is Module C, Elective 2 'Exploring Transitions'. I have written an essay that is actually going to be a speech. Can you pretty please read this for me ASAP just checking for sophistication and the relevance of the information. Thank you so much!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 02, 2016, 08:04:01 pm

Quote from: hannahboardman98 on May 31, 2016, 05:50:42 pm

Hi this is Module C, Elective 2 'Exploring Transitions'. I have written an essay that is actually going to be a speech. Can you pretty please read this for me ASAP just checking for sophistication and the relevance of the information. Thank you so much!

Hey Hannah! Sorry for the delay in getting you feedback, has been a very hectic couple of days for Elyse and myself, I will do my best to give you some feedback by the end of tonight, thanks for your patience!! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 02, 2016, 11:55:20 pm

Quote from: hannahboardman98 on May 31, 2016, 05:50:42 pm

Hi this is Module C, Elective 2 'Exploring Transitions'. I have written an essay that is actually going to be a speech. Can you pretty please read this for me ASAP just checking for sophistication and the relevance of the information. Thank you so much!

Hey Hannah! Okay, sorry again for the delay, your essay/speech is below with comments throughout! I'll less be looking at things like structure, because if this is a speech, you'll probably be relaxing that a little bit to relate to the audience a bit more. I'll focus on how well you are backing up your argument, and language too, but if this is a speech I wouldn't expect your language to be super sophisticated anyway, it can relax a tad to make it accessible ;D

Spoiler

Explain how the challenges of transitions can have positive and negative consequences for individuals.
In your response, discuss in detail your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing. (6-8mins)

The fluidity of human values, attitude and beliefs assists in one’s potential to overcome adversity in a manner that results in maturity and growth. Cool Thesis! A tiny touch vague in my opinion, what exactly do you mean by the 'fluidity' of human values? People endeavour resilience to various forms of challenges involving family, friendships and fear. JC Burke’s “The Story of Tom Brennan” presents the tragic accident caused by Daniel posing as the catalyst for Tom’s physical and mental transition into the world. The bildungsroman novel focusses on Tom’s coming of age and the re-formation of his identity in which he has lost since the night of the “accident”. Burke uses an array of techniques to correspond the change in values, attitudes and beliefs of Tom as he begins to transition into his new phase of life. 'Correspond' feels a little out of place there, reads a little strangely. These ideas are also reflected in the related text “Electric Storm” by Delta Goodrem as it presents the themes of pain, resilience and water symbolism throughout. Try and introduce the ORT a little earlier, perhaps mention both texts, then go through each in turn? Just a little structural qualm. The lyrics of the song portray the protagonist’s tragic story which incorporates how their mindset allowed them to overcome the pain they once held. Same goes for above, you don't totally need to go into plot details to explain the concepts coming across. However, I think it actually works well for a speech. The music supports this theory as the vocal melody reflects the emotion of the character in a manner that enables the audience to deeply understand the transition they made. Try and save this sort of more in depth info for your paragraphs, this intro is quite long. Profound life events remain as the catalyst for both texts as they are crucial in the effective transition to a mature perspective on life’s events. Nice start here overall, works well!

Relationships with the people in our world force individuals to transit from a depressed mental state into a positive place where they grow physically and mentally. Various challenges prepare individuals for change in a manner that may alter their perception of themselves and their surroundings. "The Story of Tom Brennan" displays the protagonist of Tom who represents this transition through the obstacles he faces. Awesome start. Burke explores how particular setbacks present themselves in a manner that contributes to Tom's transition. For example, in chapter 12, Kylie's revealing speech forces Tom to realise the true perspectives the people in Coghill have of the Brennan family, opposing those of Mumbilli. Again, plot details are not totally necessary in this style, the marker knows your text (and so should your audience for the speech! The contrast between 'You stupid cow!' and 'The cool autumn air tingled the hairs along my skin and the knot in my guts started to untie' exhibits the progression Tom has attained. Burke’s application of a demeaning tone to ‘You stupid cow!’, juxtaposes the relaxed mood of the second line to express how Tom's mindset has utterly changed. Awesome! What does this show us about transitions? Tom begins to question his mother's health and becomes irritated towards her lack of motivation to live life. This is made clear in the line 'I guess I was getting impatient. Maybe that was a good sign. Maybe I was finding my ticket out of the past'. Here, Tom displays the recognition of the positive outcomes as a result of an improved attitude and outlook. Technique for that quote? Chapter 12 is a significant point in the novel by expressing Tom's resilience that allows him to explore his new sense of self. Therefore, this negative event that Kylie created opened up Tom’s mindset; hence benefitting his previous outlook on his life in Coghill. Thus, this shows us _______ about transitions. The related text “Electric Storm” presents the protagonist experiencing struggles due to past relationship traumas. Mention this earlier so I know it is coming, it feels very "out of the blue." Prime me up for it! The pathetic fallacy is a motif throughout the song lyrics that reflect the individual’s heartache and the negative place they are experiencing. Cool! Perhaps explain the fallacy as a "storm motif" for qualification. The harsh imagery of ‘Where thunder and lightning’ exhibits the forceful impact that the relationship has caused. This juxtaposes the first line of the chorus ‘I won’t give up never, never, I won’t be struck by the weather’ as the protagonist is displaying clear resilience in overcoming the tornado they have been forced to endure. Showing us what about transitions? The music at this point is climactic through the composer purposely increasing the dynamics to convey the significance of these lyrics, therefore highlighting their transition. “The Story of Tom Brennan” also explores this through Burke’s use of pathetic fallacy in the presence of seasons to represent Tom’s gradual transition throughout the novel. Tom presents a sense of resilience through his progressive attitude towards running up the mountain of ‘Ascension Hill’. This reference brings a religious aspect to the novel as it evokes the imagery of the bodily ascension of Jesus Christ into Heaven. Hills acts as a motif throughout the novel as a concrete and physical representation of Tom and his struggle to overcome the waking of the car crash. However, Tom uses the mountains as a physical task to exert control, cleanse himself of animosity and find the light just as Jesus did during his resurrection. Resilience is evident in both texts as they display how the protagonist continues to battle their way through the altered life as a result of their life changing event involving relationships. This progression is attained through one’s ability to find their way out of the blackness within their world. A slightly too plot focused paragraph, but it works really well on the whole!! Try to take your analysis a step further, yes you describe what we learn about the characters, but what does this actually teach the audience about transitions?

The value of one’s identity is a major concern amongst adolescents where feelings of despair, depression and futility may envelop them as consequence. Blackness is used to reflect an individual’s experience of having such a dark mindset envelop them on a daily basis. It is such, to express how one positively uses these challenges to transit into a stronger person both physically and emotionally. I'm loving your conceptual statements, superb. “The Story of Tom Brennan” explores this concept exquisitely through Burke’s frequent references to ‘blackness’ in numerous and various forms. Mention the ORT here as well, I think it will work a little better structurally. The prologue is a significant chapter that immediately reveals the darkness that encompasses the Brennan family. Burke uses nouns such as ‘silhouettes’ and ‘pain’ to demonstrate a sombre atmosphere. What sort of nouns? This isn't a technique by itself. Instantly, the readers are confronted with the depressing nature of Tom’s life, however, the final line of the prologue ‘My name is Tom Brennan and this is my story’ reveals that the story will supposedly continue to present the transition of Tom. Nice link to the effect on the reader, cool stuff. Blackness is also reiterated in chapter 5 with the melancholy tone of ‘All I wanted to do was go back to my room, back to the darkness of the cave’. This portrays the negative state that Tom is presently in, however, as the novel advances it reveals further bright imagery to replicate the transition of Tom into a jubilant mental being. In the final chapter, this is reflected through Burke’s use of seasonal metaphor to ‘I could feel summer coming…’. Slight wording issue there I think, did a bit of a double take. Summer represents Tom’s final phase of transition into his ‘old self’, however, he has most certainly grown physically and mentally stronger compared to the Tom back in Mumbilli. Still missing what the audience LEARNS about identity from these observations, that's the only missing link! “Electric Storm” also exhibits this through Delta’s use of the ‘storm’ concept that instantaneously creates a cathartic reaction for the audience. Cool. The music supports this as the piano is played in a minor key, creating a solemn tone, conveying the traumatic story more effectively. Try working on the ordering of your ideas a tad. This is a good place for an example, something like "The minor key of the piano creates a solemn tone, thus supporting this reaction and effectively conveying...". You can reorder things to raise the sophistication. The accumulation of light is created by the addition of the lyric ‘firework’ to convey the brightness that now envelopes the protagonist. The vocalist’s melismatic tone on this particular expression creates emphasis on the addition of light to represent their transition into a new optimistic world. Both texts apply the motif of blackness to display the traumatic place that the protagonist was once in, producing a clear message for the audience. The author and composer purposely use this to demonstrate the contrast between the individual’s old self to their new stronger one in consequence of the challenges they faced. Fear evolves from despair where individuals use their fear in order to succeed in other areas of their lives. A very nice paragraph indeed, still work on fleshing out the audience impact in your analysis, and perhaps expression in a couple of areas. Best way to check: Read the essay out loud, any sentence that doesn't quite sound right might be worth making a minor change or two as an experiment.

Fear confines both our ability to transition and to express our true identities; triggering irrational decisions and actions. Fear develops as a result of facing difficult situations causing vulnerability that in turn ensures maturity and growth is advanced. Tom Brennan is a clear representation of this as the fear that envelops him has positively enabled him to move forward with his life. Burke applies aquatic symbolism throughout the novel to produce a cleansing attribute in relation to the religious aspect that it exhibits. For example, ‘I turned on the tap and put my head under, drenching my face and hair, tasting water mixed with my sweat and fear’. This line displays how Tom uses it to erase the fear he is experiencing during his visit to Fin. This acts as a positive outcome through Tom’s resilient attitude towards the visits to the hospital for ‘Fin’s sake’. Seeing Fin in such a ‘useless’ state brings Tom to a place that makes it difficult for him to accept his past as Fin is a 3D representation of the accident. This haunting of the protagonist’s past is also reflected in “Electric Storm” in the line ‘Predators waiting, circling around’. These lyrics also link to Tom saying ‘We were headed for something, and the next afternoon when Dad and I got back from footy training, we ran smack into it’. These connect through the similar concepts they explore by Tom always waiting for the predators to awaken, which is clearly evident in the line from “Electric Storm”. Burke reiterates the cleansing/healing power of water in the last scene of the novel. This part ventures how the lake symbolises renewal for Tom due to the cleansing aspect that the water provides. Chrissy is the person who allowed Tom to find his identity as a young man again. The admiration he has for her is evident in ‘shafts of sunlight flickering across her skin’, displaying how much he glistens at her presence. The final line ‘That was the morning we swam and loved each other and that was the morning Tom Brennan came back forever’ reveals the completion of Tom’s transition. It also displays the new phase of their relationship that they have passed through making love for the first time. Hence, Tom has found his old self and is now prepared for a new journey. “Electric Storm” also invigorates water symbolism throughout to portray the power of water in creating fear. For example, ‘Hurricane season just knocked us down, emotional suicides running the ground.’ These lines metaphorically reveal the control of the storm; however it truly displays how her fear that has been derived from pain has caused her deep emotional trauma. Although, the chorus line ‘Hold on when the wind’s so strong’ portrays how the protagonist has found the resilience to fight against the fear that once engulfed her. This relates back to “The Story of Tom Brennan’ as he eventually found the strength to overcome the fear that caused him mental and physical adversity. Water symbolism undoubtedly contributes to the portrayal of the protagonists’ plight and how they overcome those in order to begin their new phase into the world. As above! Very awesome paragraph, a little more development on the 'audience impact' part of the argument once again.

Challenges create various consequences that both encompass negative a positive outcomes that can affect our future. Tragic life events may force individuals to fight for the mental wellbeing and this is the time when their resilient attitude shines. “The Storm of Tom Brennan” demonstrates this concept through Burke’s successful use of relationships, blackness and fear to convey the gradual transition of Tom. Tom’s setbacks in life only push him even further forward through the strength that he builds each time an obstacle crosses his path. As such, the novel examines the progression of Tom’s journey into his new phase of life and new worlds that alter, challenge, confront and transform him both emotionally and psychologically. These ideas relate to “Electric Storm” where the composer applies them to the lyrics and music to portray the dark place the protagonist is in. Try and make sure you cover the ORT just as much as your core, the balance must be there. You did this well throughout, don't falter in the conclusion! Both the author and composer of these texts use techniques such as pathetic fallacy, juxtaposition, symbolism and motifs to effectively convey the protagonists’ transition. The evolution of these characters displays that it is possible for individuals to overcome the fears and challenges that come their way. Awesome conclusion!

This is a really, really, really cool essay/speech Hannah, you should be super happy with it!! Really clear conceptual focus, I'm incredibly impressed by your topic sentences. Lots of nice textual references with a good balance between the ORT and Core, perhaps leaning ever so slightly towards the Core on occasion, but that's cool!

I like to give one big thing to work on, for you it will be developing your analysis to accentuate the audience impact of the texts. What do WE learn about how transitions can have positive/negative consequences? You talk about how the concept is evident in the characters, try and abstract from this plot focused approach a little and frequently reference what the audience learns, what we take away :D

Beyond this, your response is great (though almost 2000 words, this would be a long speech!) ;D A few little structural things which might be worth looking at (but again, a speech, no big), perhaps work on expression in a few places. You could definitely be more succinct in some places, but I think it works well for a speech to be a little less intense with language. Also ensure that your topic sentences and conclusions address the question specifically, some were only implied connections :)

Fantastic job Hannah, great work ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: skyla.rayner on June 03, 2016, 04:49:50 pm

Hey guys,
Im just completing a practice essay for HSC Module A - Distinctive Voices, my text is One Night the Moon its not great but i would love some help!!
If you could check my STEEL structure in regards to my topic question and give some feedback would be much appreciated! (also its only meant to be 900 words, so if anything is not needed let me know)
Thankyou!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 03, 2016, 08:30:06 pm

Quote from: skyla.rayner on June 03, 2016, 04:49:50 pm

Hey guys,
Im just completing a practice essay for HSC Module A - Distinctive Voices, my text is One Night the Moon its not great but i would love some help!!
If you could check my STEEL structure in regards to my topic question and give some feedback would be much appreciated! (also its only meant to be 900 words, so if anything is not needed let me know)
Thankyou!

Hey there! I'll have a look now :) I haven't studied the module myself, but I'm sure I can give some helpful hints on how to approach the language and analysis!

Your original essay is in the spoiler here:

Spoiler

Distinctive voices offer a variety of perspectives on the world. Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

One Night The Moon is an Australian musical film based in the 1930s by highly acclaimed filmmaker Rachel Perkins. The film effectively explores the different perspectives of characters, allowing viewers to connect with each character’s distinctive voice. Perspectives on the world are best conveyed through the distinctive voices as it evokes feelings of the listener.
My prescribed text One Night the Moon (ONTM) explores the distinctive outlooks of Jim, Albert and Emily through the themes of racism, trust and innocence. My related text is Beds Are Burning by Midnight Oil (written by Peter Garrett), this is a political song with unique voices, which raises the issue of Aboriginal land rights.

The film ONTM presents a dramatic narrative in a musical form and explores distinctive characteristics. Whilst examining the relationships between the aboriginals and white settlers, the themes of racism and trust are evident.
The use of dialogue creates the distinct personality of Jim, which is apparent through phrases such as; “No blacks on my land.”, representing the racism that occurred within the 1930s which highly influenced Australian society.
Jim feels extremely threatened by Albert’s connection with the land and as a result, continually discriminates against all “blacks”. A motif which is repeatedly presented by director Rachael Perkins, within the film, ONTM, and was common in a 1930’s Australian context.

One Night the Moon explores diverse perspectives and challenging concepts of what land and place might mean to an individual. Discrimination is explored through the unique perspectives of a white settler, Jim, and an Aboriginal, Albert. The duet between the “black” tracker and settler, “This Land is Mine”, articulates lyrically the clashing beliefs held by the “black” tracker and the settler in regards to their diverse views of land ownership. Jim, the settler, expresses his strong perspective of a defined, capitalist ownership over the land with the use of the metaphor, “all the way to the old fence line” and sings, demandingly and desperately using truncated sentences, continually repeating, “this land is mine”. Albert employs the use of personification through the line “this land is me/rock, water, animal, tree”, which demonstrates his connection with the land. The repetition of Jim, insisting that he can “see” all the way “to the old fence line”, his strict beliefs are evident to the audience. Jim discovers the “black” tracker and the white police officer’s perspectives, that there is a difference between seeing the land and reading the land. Jim might be able to see the length of his land ownership, but he cannot read the land for the signs of his daughter’s wanderings. Thus the various functions and types of voices are displayed through the themes of racism, trust and, authority within OMTM, whilst portraying the horrid experience of losing a daughter.

Perkin’s uses a unique perspective of a child, to linguistically express her ideas. Viewers are able to interpret an interesting voice and explore the different perspectives of a child’s point of view. Childhood innocence and trust is very much visible in Emily, as she is still young enough to believe in non-existent things, such as being able to chase the moon. Her costume helps to represent her innocence. In the film she wears a white dress whilst running towards the moon, symbolizing her purity, which is also the same colour as the moon, foreshadowing her disappearance. Additionally, Emily is unaware of the real world and the harsh racial realities of whites not accepting “blacks”. This is expressed through body language as she happily waves to Albert’s family, as she passes above them in a high horse and cart. Jim’s family being above the “blacks” demonstrates the perceived authority of whites over blacks. Emily’s oblivious nature allows viewers to interpret the family’s relationships from the language used. Perkins encourages viewers to understand that language affects interpretation and shapes meaning by allowing them to bond with and appreciate Emily’s understanding of the world, through childish acts.

My related text, the song “Beds are Burning”, by Midnight Oil, lyrically explores the ways in which voice is created and interpreted, and the need for equality between the white people and Aboriginals. The first verse is setting the visual scene for the song, that being 1930’s Australia. In the second verse a variation of interesting views is explored through the inequality in Australia. The sentences are truncated, and to the point, such as: “The time has come”, representing that action is required instantly. “To say fair’s fair”, is to admit that the displacement of Australian aboriginals is unfair. “To pay the rent” means Australian society needs to accept the fact that Australian Aboriginals are the original owners of this land, and their rights are being disrespected. The repetition of verses is a common technique within the song. Garrett repeats verses often in this song, as he is trying to communicate different voices in a simple way to the audience. We encounter a range of views about the racial and class bias that exists in Australia, through the lyrics and language in “Beds Are Burning”, thus leading to a deeper understanding of the causes of conflict within Australian society.

Perkin’s use of distinctive characteristics allows viewers to interpret meanings shaped through distinctive voices. When comparing One Night the Moon and Beds Are Burning it is visible that both create a strong sense of setting and reflect on the landscapes and harsh realities which surround the characters, through each voice. Perkins and Garrett both depict voices whose traumatic experiences in the world, inspire sympathy and whilst their perspectives remain both distinctive and powerful. Perkins uses several voices within the film, creating more depth in comparison to Beds Are Burning which is from one person’s perspective, however both texts continue to demonstrate an understanding of the conflicted society of 1930 Australia.

Your essay with my own comments in bold font, is here:

Spoiler

Distinctive voices offer a variety of perspectives on the world. Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

One Night The Moon is an Australian musical film based in the 1930s produced/composed?by highly acclaimed filmmaker Rachel Perkins. The film effectively explores the different perspectives of characters, allowing viewers to connect with each character’s distinctive voice. Perspectives on the world are best conveyed through the distinctive voices as it evokes feelings of the listener. I think strengthening this introduction would be really beneficial for your essay. The reason being, you have the opportunity here to show your marker what is yet to come in a really positive light, but also, you have the opportunity to flesh out the essay question a bit more. In this circumstance, I'd open up without talking about the text. I'd make the first sentence a direct comment on the essay question. Then, one by one, I'd introduce your prescribed text and your ORT in a sentence each. To finalise, I'd do one last sentence that gives the marker a hint about what you're take on the topic is. Do you wholeheartedly agree with the essay question? Do you have a certain perspective yourself that you can explore? This is your chance to make your essay a stand out by being really unique.
My prescribed text One Night the Moon (ONTM) explores the distinctive outlooks of Jim, Albert and Emily through the themes of racism, trust and innocence. My related text is Beds Are Burning by Midnight Oil (written by Peter Garrett), this is a political song with unique voices, which raises the issue of Aboriginal land rights.

The film ONTM presents a dramatic narrative in a musical form and explores distinctive characteristics. At this point, I suggest you flesh out exactly what the perspectives in the text are (as the essay question requires) so that as you mention each part of the textual evidence below, you can link it to these perspectives to create a really strong, coherent essay.Whilst examining the relationships between the aboriginals and white settlers, the themes of racism and trust are evident.
The use of dialogue creates the distinct personality of Jim, which is apparent through phrases such as; “No blacks on my land.”, representing the racism that occurred within the 1930s which highly influenced Australian society. To throw a technique in here, you can say that he uses high modality. Jim is certain about this. Naming the technique will strengthen the analysis.
Jim feels extremely threatened by Albert’s connection with the land and as a result, continually discriminates against all “blacks”. A motif which is repeatedly presented by director Rachael Perkins, within the film, ONTM, and was common in a 1930’s Australian context. Excellent about the motif, great job!

One Night the Moon explores diverse perspectives and challenging concepts of what land and place might mean to an individual. Discrimination is explored through the unique perspectives of a white settler, Jim, and an Aboriginal, Albert. The duet between the “black” tracker and settler, “This Land is Mine”, articulates lyrically the clashing beliefs held by the “black” tracker and the settler in regards to their diverse views of land ownership. Jim, the settler, expresses his strong perspective of a defined, capitalist ownership over the land with the use of the metaphor, “all the way to the old fence line” and sings, demandingly and desperately using truncated sentences, continually repeating, “this land is mine”. Albert employs the use of personification great!!! ~~through the line~~ If you can avoid saying "the quote" or "the line" then you should. It just makes it flow a bit better. So, you can replace it with "personification when he says..."“this land is me/rock, water, animal, tree”, which demonstrates his connection with the land. The repetition of Jim, insisting that he can “see” all the way “to the old fence line”, his strict beliefs are evident to the audience. Jim discovers the “black” tracker and the white police officer’s perspectives, that there is a difference between seeing the land and reading the land. Jim might be able to see the length of his land ownership, but he cannot read the land for the signs of his daughter’s wanderings. Thus the various functions and types of voices are displayed through the themes of racism, trust and, authority within OMTM, whilst portraying the horrid experience of losing a daughter. You're implicitly dealing with the question here. Which is good that you are dealing with it, but to elevate your work you want to be explicitly referencing the question. It asks you for perspectives, so make sure that you open and close with that in each paragraph. You've put it in the middle, which is great! We just need to extend it more to create that flow of coherency :)

Perkin’s uses a unique perspective of a child, to linguistically express her ideas. Viewers are able to interpret an interesting voice and explore the different perspectives of a child’s point of view. Awesome! Great introduction of text whilst combining it with the Childhood innocence and trust is very much visible in Emily, as she is still young enough to believe in non-existent things, such as being able to chase the moon. Her costume helps to represent her innocence. In the film she wears a white dress whilst running towards the moon, symbolizing her purity, which is also the same colour as the moon, foreshadowing her disappearance. Additionally, Emily is unaware of the real world and the harsh racial realities of whites not accepting “blacks”. This is expressed through body language as she happily waves to Albert’s family, as she passes above them in a high horse and cart. Jim’s family being above the “blacks” demonstrates the perceived authority of whites over blacks. Emily’s oblivious nature allows viewers to interpret the family’s relationships from the language used. Perkins encourages viewers to understand that language affects interpretation and shapes meaning by allowing them to bond with and appreciate Emily’s understanding of the world, through childish acts. This is definitely a really solid paragraph. It's really well written! Again, a more obvious attack on the question would strengthen it. However, this one stands alone well!

My related text, the song “Beds are Burning”, by Midnight Oil, lyrically explores the ways in which voice is created and interpreted, and the need for equality between the white people and Aboriginals. The first verse is setting the visual scene for the song, that being 1930’s Australia. In the second verse a variation of interesting views is explored through the inequality in Australia. The sentences are truncated, (yes I love a good truncated sentence!)and to the point, such as: “The time has come”, representing that action is required instantly. “To say fair’s fair”, is to admit that the displacement of Australian aboriginals is unfair. “To pay the rent” means Australian society needs to accept the fact that Australian Aboriginals are the original owners of this land, and their rights are being disrespected. The repetition of verses is a common technique within the song. Garrett repeats verses often in this song, as he is trying to communicate different voices in a simple way to the audience. We encounter a range of views about the racial and class bias that exists in Australia, through the lyrics and language in “Beds Are Burning”, thus leading to a deeper understanding of the causes of conflict within Australian society. Your analysis is really deep here, excellent work!

Perkin’s use of distinctive characteristics allows viewers to interpret meanings shaped through distinctive voices. When comparing One Night the Moon and Beds Are Burning it is visible that both create a strong sense of setting and reflect on the landscapes and harsh realities which surround the characters, through each voice. Amazing! Perkins and Garrett both depict voices whose traumatic experiences in the world, inspire sympathy and whilst their perspectives remain both distinctive and powerful. Perkins uses several voices within the film, creating more depth in comparison to Beds Are Burning which is from one person’s perspective, however both texts continue to demonstrate an understanding of the conflicted society of 1930 Australia.

End notes:

I think your analysis is definitely there. You've got a really good understanding of the texts individually and in comparison to one another, so good! The next step is to adjust the introduction a little. Then, make sure that every single paragraph makes references to the essay question specifically in the beginning, middle and end. I can see you've used the STEEL structure. You've used it well when dealing with the text analysis. I think by using the actual key words (not synonyms much) that feature in the essay question will really tie your essay together and make it look super coherent to a marker.

If anything doesn't make sense, please let me know. If you want to edit the work and post again, you're more than welcome to do so!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: fluffchuck on June 04, 2016, 06:16:26 pm

Hey guys!

For my essay, I have so far only completed the introduction (still working on the body paragraphs and conclusion).
It's a Module B essay and it's on the book All Quiet on The Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque.
Can you please mark it for me?

Thank you!! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: amandali on June 05, 2016, 12:11:40 am

Hi my test will be on thursday so can you mark my essay on Module C anytime before that day thanks :)
im a bit unsure whether the structure of my essay is fine

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 05, 2016, 11:23:00 pm

Quote from: fluffchuck on June 04, 2016, 06:16:26 pm

Hey guys!

For my essay, I have so far only completed the introduction (still working on the body paragraphs and conclusion).
It's a Module B essay and it's on the book All Quiet on The Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque.
Can you please mark it for me?

Thank you!! :)

Hey there! I certainly can! ;D without the question I can't give the best feedback, so remember to frame my suggestions in terms of the question at hand! ;D paragraph is below with comments throughout!

Spoiler

Individuals often conceptualise the notion of war being an audacious journey which the soldier accumulates dignity and pride. Oh cool, I like this concept, but the wording is a little messy and could be formalised a tad. Try removing the "individuals" bit, and just say, "War is often conceptualised as...". In Erich Maria Remarque’s All Quiet on the Western Front, this conception of war soon becomes contradicted as each individual solider battles for their lives in hopes that they survive this horrendous cataclysm. Nice link (watch spelling of soldier). The image of the war’s catastrophic atmosphere is amplified and detailed through the use of themes such as the brutality of war, the long for survival and the repercussion of the soldiers, allowing the reader to visualise the devastating moments of the war through the thorough use of onomatopoeia, metaphor, vivid imagery and verbal language. Maybe elaborate on 'repercussions of the soldiers', not quite sure what you mean. Also, save the specific techniques for your paragraphs and analysis, instead use broader terms like "literary techniques" or "figurative language" as appropriate.

I think this is a nice intro! I love the ideas you are presenting (the differing soldier experiences is a cool thing to discuss). I'd like to see a slightly more sophisticated approach, slight changes to wording will handle that, as well as a more conclusive sentence to sum up your Thesis paragraph. Finally, remember this is Module B, chances are you'll have to adapt this to make a judgement about how well the text represents these experiences. Remember to adapt the intro to the question! ;D great work!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 06, 2016, 12:42:11 am

Quote from: amandali on June 05, 2016, 12:11:40 am

Hi my test will be on thursday so can you mark my essay on Module C anytime before that day thanks :)
im a bit unsure whether the structure of my essay is fine

Hey amandali! Sure thing, essay is attached with comments throughout! ;D

Spoiler

The process of transition challenges attitudes and beliefs. To what extent do the texts you have studied in this elective support this view? In your response, refer to your prescribed text and one other related text of your own choosing.

Transitions into a new world may be confronting as individuals may encounter challenges that arise from themselves, families or communities that they live in. Nice start! You may want to be a little more specific, what sort of challenges? It is through this process, individuals’ attitudes and beliefs are challenged which leads to a greater understanding of themselves. This notion is conveyed in the film, Billy Elliot, directed by Stephen Daldry, as it portrays a boy’s transition into the world of dance by opposing the beliefs and attitudes of his family and community towards gender stereotypes. Similarly, Tim Winton’s short story, Big World, explores the narrator’s process of maturation as he redefines the value of the restrictive nature of friendship and pursues his own aspirations. Both texts encapsulate individuals navigating their ways into a broader world which allows the renewal of their beliefs and attitudes. Very nice! I'd like to see a list of what you'll be discussing in each paragraph, and further, make your judgement about "to what extent" just a little more clear.

Transitioning from a state of stasis to dynamic growth may be daunting for individuals, but it can be rewarding as the process challenges and renews pre-existing attitudes and beliefs. Awesome! In the film, Billy Elliot, the protagonist Billy struggles to find artistic fulfilment and is trapped in a liminal state between childhood and adulthood due to the pressures of domestic responsibility and his family’s expectation that he be the sole caregiver of his grandmother. Whoa! A mouthful there, try trimming that, you don't need this level of plot detail. The bleak nature of Billy’s upbringing is conveyed through tightly framed shots which suggest that the small and cloistered Northern English home is stifling Billy’s growth and capacity of self-expression. Thus showing us ____ about transitions? Billy’s innocence and obliviousness to the world of ballet is captured in the opening scene, where a slow motion, long-shot captures Billy exuberantly jumping on his bed dressed in a yellow singlet, which intertextually conveys his resemblance to an “ugly duckling” who is yet to experience maturation. Oh that's cool. The scene is accompanied by the non-diegetic background music of Cosmic dancer by T.Rex, where the lyrics, “I danced myself right out of the womb”, foreshadows Billy’s passion for dancing as a medium for channelling his expressive tendencies. Awesome analysis happening here, but I'm missing links to the theme you are discussing, all I'm getting right now is very sophisticated retell. The lack of a nurturing, maternal figure in the predominantly male Elliot household results in an absence of warmth. This is embodied in Tony’s dialogue, which is riddled with expletives, where Billy asks Tony, “Do you ever think about death?” and is met with a terse “F*** off”. This tense atmosphere is hostile to Billy’s emotional maturation and inhibits his transition from childhood to adulthood. It is Mrs Wilkinson however, who provides a sympathetic surrogate mother for Billy and encourages him to pursue professional dancing. Mrs Wilkinson’s role as a mentor to Billy is conveyed through her stern, unsentimental tone, where she repeatedly instructs Billy to “Prepare!”. You are not linking these examples to your theme, and as a result, you are essentially recounting the text. Be careful. As a result, Billy gains confidence which enables him to artistically realise his full potential through the creative medium of dance. The montage of Billy tirelessly practising pirouettes at home reveals his sheer determination that enables him to transition from a hesitant amateur to a proud professional. The entire sequence of Billy’s transition is captured through the motif of Billy examining his reflection in the mirror, which reinforces his attempt to actively reshape his identity into a self-sustaining and self-supporting individual. Billy’s metamorphosis is captured in his statement, “I feel a change in me whole body … flying like a bird”, which is later metaphorised in Billy’s emergence as the lead “Swan” in the Royal Ballet school’s production of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. The low angle and freeze shot of Billy leaping into the air against brightly lit stage and slow tempo music engages viewers in his moment of optimistic triumph, as Billy debuts as a fully-fledged adult. Add a conclusion which says, "Thus, it is clear how the composer has demonstrated ______."

Transition often involves a process of overcoming socially inscribed conventions, which has the capacity to renew preconceived attitudes and beliefs. I LOVE your conceptual focus in these paragraphs, so cool. In Daldry’s film, Billy Elliot, set amidst the political volatility of the 1983 North England miner’s strike, the overwhelming expectation is that Billy follows the traditional path becoming a working class labourer. Good integration of context. Billy, however, struggles to transcend this rigid gender expectation as it collides with his artistic passion for dance. This is dramatised through the rhythmic and graphic matches between Billy and the girls dancing gracefully alongside a piano accompaniment, and the overhead shots of miners violently clashing with the police, which reinforces both a shared sense of passion but also intangible division between the practical world of mining and the aesthetic world of dancing. A good word to use here to describe this artistic choice would be "juxtaposition." Billy’s father, Jackie, embodies the values of the community as he enforces his myopic perception on gender roles onto Billy by claiming “lads do football or wrestling”, which confines Billy to dancing in secret. The long shot of Billy swinging and tapping a stick, which smoothly transitions to a non-diegetic insert of Fred Astaire’s “Top Hat”, fills the scene with a sense of wonderment that imaginatively connects Billy to a life beyond his oppressive home environment. Slipping into recount again, be careful. In this sense, dance becomes a vehicle for transitioning between worlds. Debbie, an open-minded daughter of an “unfulfilled” dance teacher, enables Billy to find the courage to transition out of the narrow-minded outlook of Northern English life, when she assures Billy that “plenty of boys do ballet”. Billy’s determination in continuing dancing despite rigidly enforced gender expectations is captured in an eye-level shot of Billy defiantly expressing himself through dance and thereby liberating himself from the strictures of social convention. The close-up of Jackie’s shocked expression reinforces his realisation that his close-minded views have obstructed Billy from achieving his full potential. Billy’s capacity to break traditions inspires Jackie to experience his own transition, whereby Billy is able to inject colour and life into a drab and conservative working class community. As above, needs a conclusion, and you aren't actually linking your theme in the first sentence to your examples. You need to abstract a bit, get away from the plot, and focus on techniques conveying meaning.

Similarly, Winton through Big World depicts the difficulties of transitioning away from a childhood friendship that has resulted in missed opportunities, however, also its significance in challenging and renewing individual’s beliefs and attitudes towards life. Your first two topic sentences were more effective, as they didn't integrate the text straight away. In the Big World, the narrator strongly values his friendship with Biggie although it stifles his own maturation. The inclusive language of “we”, “our” and “Biggie and me” conveys the narrator’s sense of a shared identity with Biggie, where Biggie becomes an extension of the narrator’s sense of self. The active verbs in “we’re laughing and pointing and shoving …” reinforces that despite their close bond, both friends are trapped in a regressive state of playful immaturity. Following the narrator’s abandonment of his small town existence, his friendship with Biggie begins to disintegrate due to their conflicting values. This is foreshadowed in the narrator’s fatalistic tone, “In his head he’s always seen himself at the meatworks or the cannery…, he’s content, he belongs”. Again, be careful of retell, you are just telling me what happened in the text (with techniques). Winton’s intertextual allusion to Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men portrays the narrator’s friendship with Biggie as one of overdependence akin to that of “Lenny and George”. The narrator’s escalating sense of difference is demonstrates through accumulated imagery of all imagined places he wants to visit, “Skeleton Coast in Africa…a café on the Piazza San Marco..Manila. Monterey”. The narrator’s literary expansive imagination and “dreams of big world beyond” ultimately lead to him distancing himself from Biggie. The final metaphor of the “burning kite” marks the end of the narrator’s childhood and his transition away from a life shared with Biggie to one filled with possibilities and independence. You have a really nice set of techniques in this essay, just as a general comment. Really stellar. Like Billy who struggles with the monotony of a small mining town, the narrator feels overwhelmed by the emptiness of a sparsely populated rural Australia. This is emphasised through the use of repetition in “We’ve reached a world where it isn’t bloody raining all the time, where nobody knows us and nobody cares”. The narrator’s use of colloquialism in “I’m going nuts here” and “I dreamed of escaping, of pissing off north to find some blue sky” reiterates a sense of archetypal rural Australian experience whereby the narrator urgently desires to flee the familiar and discover an exotic, cosmopolitan world beyond. Again, conclusion and link to theme.

In conclusion, both texts Billy Elliot and Big World encapsulate the process of physical and emotional transition through overcoming challenges imposed by self and community and in addition explore its significance in challenging and renewing the attitudes and beliefs.Try to add a bit more 'beef' to this conclusion, it should be at least 3 sentences. Re-state your Thesis, re-link your texts to the Thesis, re-state your arguments and make your conclusion.

This is a cool essay amandali! You know your texts really really well, great job there. I think your structure works quite well, I LOVE your concepts in the first two paragraphs especially, super well defined. Try to add conclusions to every paragraph and expand on your conclusion paragraph itself, really be sure to wrap things together properly.

While the structure is nice, I think your analysis needs a bit of fine-tuning. Amazing use of techniques and examples, stellar work there, but make sure you LINK every example and technique to the theme you are exploring. Don't give us plot details, Module C is about representation and text, how ideas are represented by composers. How do the composers use technique to convey meaning about the themes you are discussing. This is what we care about, plot details don't earn marks.

This would be my main recommendation, a greater focus on linking every example to the theme ;D great work amandali! :D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: monique.degiovanni on June 13, 2016, 11:17:06 am

Hey! so for our assessment we are only required to write two paragraphs an intro and conclusion, would be great if you could have a look at it, topic is transitions :)
Thanks!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2016, 11:21:43 pm

Attention! The essay marking rules have now changed ;D Due to increasing popularity, and to make sure essay marking services remain accessible for active members of the ATAR Notes community, a new post exchange policy is in effect for all essays below this line. Every 5 ATAR Notes posts qualifies you for one essay to be marked. 50 posts qualifies you for 10 essays, etc. Details can be found at this link! Thanks! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 15, 2016, 01:48:25 pm

Quote from: monique.degiovanni on June 13, 2016, 11:17:06 am

Hey! so for our assessment we are only required to write two paragraphs an intro and conclusion, would be great if you could have a look at it, topic is transitions :)
Thanks!

Hey Monique!! Thanks for posting your essay, sorry for the delay, I'd love to have a read!! ;D the essay is attached below with comments throughout :)

Spoiler

Individuals who transition into new experiences may encounter challenges but ultimately the outcome is transformative.

A journey of transition is filled with setback’s and challenges, it is only through overcoming stereotypes, a change of mindset and strong support from family that one is able to overcome these challenges and ultimately transform. Nice Thesis statement! Billy elliot is a film set in the 1980’s which reflect’s the constriction’s of a small mining town on a boy who wishes to transition into a man who is free and content with his sense of self and self expression. You could likely blend parts of this sentence into the next one and make it shorter: You don't need specific plot details (though this is already pretty short, not a big deal). The film explores the need for the support of family to those who wish to develop and the ability for those wishing to transition to overcome inherent challenges in society order to reach a renewed sense of self. The poem ‘if’ can be interpreted both satirically and non-satirically to emphasise the importance of escaping the pressures that society imposes, to allow yourself to transition into a state of content and acceptance. Through presenting a father-son relationship the poem incises the audience to reflect upon the importance of family in I think there might be something cut off the end there, but this is a nice Thesis! Not much to say, it works really well ;D

The struggle to satisfy all will restrict ones ability to transition into new understandings. Good start!Initially billy is deprived of the confidence and encouragement to express himself, demonstrated by the double entendre of his two reflection's trapped in the mirror. This functions as a physical phantasm of Billy's true self wishing to break away from his externally inflicted façade, but his desire to please his father renders him unable to do so. Great technique and analysis! However, try and abstract it from the plot; you don't need to explain what is happening to Billy, just exactly what the technique represents. EG - "The double entendre of the protagonists reflections functions a a physical phantasm.... Billy hunched over, slowly Walking up the hill with boxing gloves around his neck, is a physicalisation of his apathy towards boxing and towards the external pressures he feel’s from his father to box, ‘im not you’ Ensure you have proper grammar to make it easier on the reader; including speech marks at the beginning and a full stop at the end of the sentence. This in contrast with the scene in which Billy, accompanied by non-digetic triumphant music, climbs the hill in a passionately and determined manner with ballet shoes around his neck, represent’s billy’s transition into the realisation that though allowing himself to ignore the stereotypes surrounding him, he is able to achieve a deeper understanding of the happiness and content that comes with freeing ones true self and ignoring the normalities of society. Similarly, when the poem ‘IF’ is interpreted in a satirical manner, the hyperbole of “your’s is the earth and everything that’s in it” highlight’s that through trying to be everything, you will be unable to achieve your goals but, like Billy, through instead focusing on your passion and who you are, you are able to overcome challenges and ultimately transform into a state of euphoria. This is an effective analysis, because it goes beyond the text itself; Billy and the text is just an EXAMPLE of your greater concept. The concept works beyond the text. More of this! The final extent of Billy's transformation can be seen in the film’s final moment in which a low angle shot of billy as swan lake depicts his ultimate feeling of freedom in dance and his journey from restriction to liberty. Be sure to conclude all paragraphs appropriately.

Male Stereotypes inherent in english mining town’s during the 1980’s, and lack of support from family become the challenges in which one must overcome in order to transition into adulthood. I'd reframe this ever so slightly: And just say that transitions into adulthood come with challenges. The male stereotypes you mention are what THIS TEXT portrays as those challenges. The impacts of stereotypes are evident in Billy Elliot through the questioning: “do you think being a a ballet dancer would be better than being a man?” This statement imply’s that the two are mutually exclusive, which reflects the context of an English mining town. Technique? Because these view’s contrast with an ever increasing disregard for stereotypes in today’s society, the audience is positioned to oppose this statement from billy, because their understanding is that Billy can, in fact, be both a dancer and a man. Therefore, the audience is able to gain a deeper understanding of Billy’s struggle to overcome stereotypes through relating to this challenge on a personal level. Excellent links to audience! However, try and reframe it as a general understanding they gain about the concept as a whole, not just the text. Ultimately, while they come to a greater understanding of the text, what is important is their enhanced understanding of the challenges of transitions. The poem IF, uses “you’ll be a man my son” as a representation of expectations enforced upon young males that can cripple their capacity to be individuals/themselves as a boy grows into a man. Technique? These stereotypes and impossible expectations attempt to define what it is to be a man and become the challenge in which one must overcome in order to transition into adulthood. It is only through defying these standard’s and establishing one’s own understanding of a man that one can transition into adulthood. This is great! But what part of the texts leads to this new understanding. The reference to fatherhood in the poem ‘if’ “my son!”, becomes a synecdoche of the importance of family in overcoming stereotypes and transitioning into a new understanding of a sense of self outside of stereotypes. This importance of family support coalesces with the pressure on jackie in Billy Elliot to support his son, “no child can succeed without the support of family.” the decreasing spatial relationship between Jackie and billy as Billy’s transition progresses, physically displays that Jackie’s growing support is an impetus for Billy’s progression into adulthood, without this impetus he would be left unfulfilled. Again, make sure you have a proper conclusion.

Both play’s portray male contextual stereotypes as a challenge in which one must overcome in order to transition. Slightly messy wording there, and further, try to start your conclusion with a completely conceptual statement like your Thesis did! Also, these aren't plays? although, they also acknowledge that stereotyping is not the only challenge inflicted by society that must be overcome by those who wish to transition they must also change their one mindset in order to obtiain a renewed understanding. The text’s also focus in on a father-son relationship, emphasising the importance of the support of family in transitioning. these text’s ultimate message convey’s that for one to transition it is imperative that they must overcome challenges with the support of those around them.

I love your conceptual focus in this essay, really superb, your framing of the theme of transitions is really clever! ;D so massive congratulations for that :D

You can read my comments throughout, but my biggest piece of advice for you to improve would be quality of your analysis. In most cases, you are relying too heavily on retelling the plot from the text to explain your concepts. This is not enough, you must be showing how the composer has used technique to create meaning. This composer thing is the big issue I see with your response; you MUST be acknowledging the techniques as the choice made by a composer to communicate something to their audience. To make steps towards this, include the composers in your Thesis and Conclusion, and then start saying things like:

The composers use of TECHNIQUE, EXAMPLE/QUOTE, seeks to show the audience ___________.

This takes you OUT of the plot based approach and into a more conceptual one, which is a massive plus ;D

Beyond this one recommendation, again, you have excellent conceptual ideas. There are quite a few grammatical/syntax errors in your response though, might be helpful to run it through Word's safety checks again. Fix up this and your analysis and you'll be communicating those ideas extremely effectively!! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 07, 2016, 03:04:47 pm

Quote from: tahmina on July 07, 2016, 02:53:23 pm

hii, i am so happy i found this site. you guys are angels for helping !!!

this is AOS essay, i need a lot of help as my discovery essay isn't as good as my modules..
questions :
is my structure okay, and also my analysis is it good too !
how can i improve my discovery concept !

Hey Tahmina!! So happy to have you around!

Thanks for meeting the post requirement, you are a legend! I'm going to mark your essay today or tonight, the one you posted in the AoS Thread yesterday to keep all of the discovery essays together, it's the same as this essay right? ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: tahmina on July 07, 2016, 03:09:06 pm

yes, yes it is ! so much appreciation ! :') my teacher doesn't even help this much ???

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 07, 2016, 03:11:07 pm

Quote from: tahmina on July 07, 2016, 03:09:06 pm

yes, yes it is ! so much appreciation ! :') my teacher doesn't even help this much ???

Perfect, stay tuned on that thread then!! I'm so happy to be of help, teachers can be busy and not able (or willing) to give detailed feedback, but we know its super important. That's why we do it, because we love seeing you improve ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: tahmina on July 07, 2016, 03:37:32 pm

would you also be able to give it a mark out of 15. i know it won't be the best essay but i just need to improve ... thank you heaps !

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: tahmina on July 07, 2016, 08:27:57 pm

hii, can someone have a look at my distinctive visual module A please

question _ how does distinctive visuals brings the experiences of others to life.

plesse let me know if there is any improvements i should make !

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 08, 2016, 12:12:07 am

Quote from: tahmina on July 07, 2016, 03:37:32 pm

would you also be able to give it a mark out of 15. i know it won't be the best essay but i just need to improve ... thank you heaps !

All marked on that thread Tahmina!! ;D I hope it helps! I'll get to your most recent one in this thread tomorrow! :D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 08, 2016, 11:32:17 am

Quote from: tahmina on July 07, 2016, 08:27:57 pm

hii, can someone have a look at my distinctive visual module A please

question _ how does distinctive visuals brings the experiences of others to life.

plesse let me know if there is any improvements i should make !

Hey Tahmina! I'd be happy to have a look at your essay, it is attached below with feedback in bold :D

Spoiler

How do distinctive visuals brings the experiences of others to life.

Distinctive visual images can foster emotional responses and empathy from the responder by bringing the experiences of others to life. Nice Thesis, but I'd like to see a little more depth. Add a sentence fleshing this out a little more. Things to consider: Why do visual images foster emotional responses and empathy? Does it depend on context? Any other details you wish to mention? Ang lee’s film Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon uses distinctive visuals to encourage the responder to experience the challenging notion of relationships and power through a combination of quiet dramatic martial arts sequences. Ensure the composer's first and last names are capitalised. Amin Greder’s picture book The Island visually explores the ideas of appearance and reality, and explores the notion of xenophobia, which causes barriers to the acceptance of outsiders in society. Both composers use highly effective distinctive visuals to capture the audience’s attention as well provide insights into the individuals and the world around them. Fantastic introduction! Room for expansion, and I'd like to see a run-down of the sorts of things you'll be discussing later, but on the whole this works really well and answers the question directly!

Through vibrant martial arts sequences, crouching tiger hidden dragons allows the audience to further engage with the momentum of the plot. This introduction doesn't relate to your Thesis (well, it sort of does hint at it, but it needs to be much more direct). Ensure every paragraph is linked to your Thesis and/or the question right from the start. The audience’s visualisation of the main characters, shu lien and jen at the training house are manifested through the incorporation of projected visuals, which conveys Lee’s idea of their friendship. The scene begins with a long a shot, giving the audience to capture the moments before the fight juxtaposed with a bird’s eye view articulates the intense atmosphere of characters. Nice use of techniques so far, but I'm feeling like you are just retelling the sequence. Remember to connect to the empathy of the audience, especially important for you since it is the basis of your response. The intense visual of their foot traces and weapon clashes employs a sense of intensity highlighting the fear and tension of the characters faces. The audience is able to observe the characters importance through a low angle shot making the scene critical. Better, more references to the audience like this! Lee’s martial arts portrays the characters personality, the motion of Jen is very frantic and sharp which is reminiscent or her fear and personality. However shu liens movements flow together, which indicates her positive human nature. This symbolically enhances the audience’s knowledge of the characters, while it builds up tension of the martial art sequence. It is through the facial expression and physical appearance of Jen and shu lien in the scene, where there friendship is scene to be a mystery, thus creates an authentic and poignant atmosphere to Lee’s plot. By doing this lee effectively utilizes distinctive visual techniques through relationships to bring the experiences of others to life. Nice conclusion. However, you haven't really made this as evident in your paragraph as possible. I feel like it is a bit of a mishmash of techniques and ideas; and part of this is because you haven't set up a conceptual focus. I'd like to see you hone in on a specific type of experience, or even emotion, then explore how THIS is brought to life through the composers techniques.

Armin Greder’s illustrative techniques compel the responder to envision the hardships and struggles of an outsider. Nice! I'd still like to see a more conceptual start, just the concept, before you introduce the text, but this concept relates to your Thesis more closely. The responder is able to quickly envision the protagonist alienating himself, giving a vast idea of loneliness. Through the xenophobic society of islanders the effective symbolism of the undesirable atmosphere creates a vivid image of the protagonist being constantly alone. The cover page depicts a scene at the sea as the whole distinctive image is washed with dark blue repressing the warmth ocean and the shallow waves conveying a menacing journey has taken place. Perhaps a slight issue with expression in that sentence, read it back to yourself and see what you think? The visual of the boat at the bottom of the page blends with the rest of the image altering the perspective of the image as the responder is now being positioned with the protagonist. This allows the audience to immediately view the confronting effects of isolation and maintain this image throughout the depiction of the book. On the following page greder’s illustration of the protagonist from a high angle along with the dark mystic colors leaves the audience in a dull emotion, as it symbolizes the protagonists social exclusion. The creative illustrations being portrayed small on the page conveys the distance and insignificance between the character and the world around him. The responder is able to visualize a refuge through the symbolism of the provocative visuals. This positions the responder to view his perspective of life within their imagination and successfully conveying this viewpoint that life, as an outsider is miserable. Greder uses authentic visual techniques that shape meaning, and brings the experiences of others to life. This paragraph is definitely much more effective with the audience impact than your first, though you could still go into more detail with this audience impact (consider things such as the impact of context, consider more specifically the impact of each technique). This paragraph also has some expression issues, sentences felt very long and directionless in places which made it hard to access as a marker. Going back, reading through, tidying up, and repeating this process would do a lot for the clarity of your ideas. Reading the essay out loud to a friend is a great way to see where the issues lie.

The green destiny sword is in crouching tiger hidden dragon is distinctively used as a highly powerful symbol. You should try and set up what concept you will be discussing in this paragraph first (EG - Composers use distinctive symbols in order to accentuate their exploration of experience, blah blah blah). The 400-year old sword creates an effective image of ancient culture, creating a more dramatic realization to the effects of ancient china. The sword is a representation of the female mystery as this creates a replica of women being in power, developing a more extensive response upon the audience’s perspective of reality. Nice analysis of the symbol, good inclusion of audience. Lee articulates a strong bond between li mu bai and the green destiny sword making it reminiscent of his personal identity along with his reputation in society. Lees use of the sword in martial arts is often seen as an extension of oneself, the melancholy music of the erhu and cello combined with the panning shots of the birds eye view of li mu Bais fluid dance implies to his identity being intrinsically linked with the sword. Starting to see some more expression issues here, I think your sentences might be flowing a tad long? Lee effectively reflects his powerful yet emotion bond with the sword. Lee successfully conveys the power of the sword through the intense visual of Jen stealing the sword. Technique? Underlying her jealous and underhanded personality. This allows the audience to envision her lack of connection with the sword, which portrays her desperate character. Lee effectively reflects upon her negative and constructive characteristic, leaving the audience in a tense atmosphere. ‘Its heart is pure’ shu liens states, highlights the significance of the sword through the personification. The audience is positioned in an awkward yet confusing position through a close up shot of Jens face evaluating the innocence behind her evil. Through the powerful symbol of the sword lee impacts the audience’s self-awareness and leaves them in a distressing atmosphere. This paragraph works well, but again some expression issues keep me from accessing it fully, and I still believe you are relying slightly too heavily on recounting the text.

Greder utilizes his highly skilled illustrative techniques to show the protagonists lack of importance in society. Greder illustrates the society ‘big, outlined in silhouette and dark shades, creating their physical presence to be intimidating. Technique? The audience is now able to envision their attitudes towards the outsider being prejudiced and hostile. The use of weapons is symbolic of society’s envisioned power, along with the vectors pointing directly at the outsider allows the responder to apply notions of universal issues, particularly migrant experiences. I'd like to see you delve into this idea of universal issues a little more! Greder positions the words underneath to demand the attention from the protagonist’s absence, positioning the responder in a confused manner. The words are significant of the lack of importance of the outsider. On the following page Greder use’s irony to portray the protagonist as an outcast to society, as it is utilised with the use of size differences, dark and harsh colour. Greder’s Irony is seen through the outcast being represented light and small, effectively evaluating the purification of the protagonists creating this envision of his innocence and bringing the human experiences to life. Despite the size differences it visually empowers the outsider being projected inadequately within the acceptance in society, leaving the responder in a emotional and intense situation. ‘They took him’ implies to that the protagonist is unimportant, distinctively illustrating society’s social norms and values Greder’s uses highly understandable visuals to represent the protagonist being displayed as outsider, making the responder connect with the hardships by bringing the experiences of others to life.

In conclusion, both composers employ the use of distinctive visuals to elaborate how characters go through life experiences as well capture the audience’s attention throughout the texts. Through relationships, power and the appearance of reality, the composers bring the distinctive visuals to life making its responders comprehend on life experiences. Great conclusion! Though perhaps a little short, try and flesh out the ideas you've been talking about a little more!

This is a really great essay Tahmina!! Your introduction is fantastic (love the premise of your Thesis) and sets up your response really well, the question is answered immediately, which is fantastic. By linking to the question immediately, as a marker I go "Okay, she's on track, let's get into this." instead of "Uh oh, I have a bad feeling." Great work!

You have great textual knowledge as shown by a multitude of effective textual references. At times you rely on the texts plot slightly too much (read on), but you clearly know your stuff. And you use a variety of techniques, thus showing that you've considered all aspects of how distinctive visuals can be created. This is made all the better by the differing forms of your texts. Awesome stuff.

Your structure for the most part is also organised and well divided. Again, fantastic Thesis, and a nice and punchy conclusion. You also re-link to the question with every conclusion, which makes it impossible as a marker to think that you have gone off track. You are where you need to be, so great work there.

I think there are two main adjustments you could make to your essay to improve the quality. The first would be adjusting for topic sentences. I think that the topic being "experiences" is quite broad, and as a result, your paragraphs and analysis feel very mixed up and convoluted at times, purely because there is no clear direction. I'd love to see you try and devote paragraphs to specific types of experiences or human emotion, just to give them something to focus on, similar to what you did in Paragraph 2. This will give you something to "hone in" on in your paragraphs, keep everything driven behind a single concept/idea, that still backs up the main Thesis.

Secondly (and I think applying the prior change will help this too), I found your essay difficult to access at times. The sentences were a tad long and at times had issues with expression. This is not a huge issue, but it means the marker needs to work harder to understand you, which we don't want for a HSC Marker who is already annoyed and has their kids screaming in the background! Try to make their lives easier. Make some edits (with the help of a friend, read it to them!) to adjust expression in any place where they are unsure about what you mean. This will assist the marker in accessing your ideas.

I would also say that you are relying too heavily on plot retell. At times I'd like to see you step away from the TEXT and focus instead on the COMPOSER'S CHOICES within the text. So, instead of, "This technique was in the text and this shows us blah.", going with, "The composer uses this technique in the text to show the audience blah."

This is a subtle change, and one that I actually think will come implicitly with some expression adjustments, but taking this approach will vastly reduce the amount of textual retell, and shift you to a more conceptual, sophisticated style of response.

I hope this feedback helps Tahmina! Definitely ask me if you need any clarification, and I'd love to give some more feedback after you spend some time adjusting the work! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: tahmina on July 08, 2016, 12:00:23 pm

thank you heaps, it means a lot to be able to get thorough feedback ! if you were to give a mark out of 20 what would you give, so i have a rough idea !

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 08, 2016, 12:13:00 pm

Quote from: tahmina on July 08, 2016, 12:00:23 pm

thank you heaps, it means a lot to be able to get thorough feedback ! if you were to give a mark out of 20 what would you give, so i have a rough idea !

Not a problem at all! ;D

Hmm, well I don't have the entire question. In the HSC, it will have a statement referencing how many texts you need to refer to, and to what extent you need to compare them: You haven't done much direct, explicit comparison between the texts (this would be another avenue of improvement down the track!)

That said, I'd say your text references are great, and your explanation of experiences is pretty great too. Your expression and organisation of ideas would need a bit of work to make the first two things really pop. I'd be saying somewhere in the range of 14 out of 20, but of course, take that with many many large grains of salt ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: tahmina on July 08, 2016, 12:21:06 pm

would you be able to have a quick run through my transition module C please if its not a hassle !

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 08, 2016, 12:23:10 pm

Quote from: tahmina on July 08, 2016, 12:21:06 pm

would you be able to have a quick run through my transition module C please if its not a hassle !

Sure! Expect it by the end of the day ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 09, 2016, 01:44:01 am

Quote from: tahmina on July 08, 2016, 12:21:06 pm

would you be able to have a quick run through my transition module C please if its not a hassle !

Hey! So, it wasn't the end of the day, but it was the end of my day ;) aha, feedback is attached in bold throughout as usual!

Spoiler

As individuals progress through life, they often need to successfully navigate their way from one challenge to another. This progression not only develops the individual but also helps us gain a deeper understanding of what means to be human, flawed but capable of great things. Great Thesis; I don't have the question, but be sure to make sure this addresses it directly! This concept if evident in j.c burkes 2005 novel ‘The Story Of Tom Brenan’ and 1993 film ‘ what’s eating gilbert grape by Lasse Hallstrom. Ensure titles are properly capitalised. Both composers employ key textual devices to explore notions of conflict and relationships through the process transition, enabling the responder to gain a deeper understanding of the human complexities on what it means to be human. This last sentence might need a little fixing, "human complexities on what it means to be human" doesn't quite make sense. Besides this, a solid introduction! Would like to see you take a bit more time to flesh out ideas a little more as well.

In order to transition through life stages, people often need to face up to serious challenges. The story of Tom Brennan is a bildungsroman’s text, which contains an individual’s growth and development. When introducing the text, you should definitely mention the composer, especially in Module C which focuses on the composers representational choices. In the prologue, the sibilance of ‘sounds of our feet shuffling’ linked to near dawn implies a sense of guilt as the Brennan family try to virtually disappear into the silent night. The metaphor of ‘near dawn’ exemplifies the precise timing of 4.30 on Friday, which reinforces this concept of sacrifice of the status quo. Followed by the metaphor and repetition of ‘down, down we glided in silence’ symbolising the decline of the family’s reputation in society. I'm liking the technique/explanation pattern here, but I'm missing the links to the composer. Remember we are looking at the choices made by the composer which create meaning around, in this case, serious life challenges. Thus, you must mention the composer fairly frequently! This challenge of accepting the changed situation becomes an important aspect in tom’s life, which further helps us understand the process of progression leading into new phases in life. Ensure character names are capitalised. The negative word ‘ugly’ – referring to the hostile graffiti on the house walls - juxtaposed with ‘no longer wanted’ in ‘past the ugly words that told us we were no longer wanted’ projects the neighbours’ hostility towards the Brennan family, predicting the conflict faced by Tom and his family which forced them to seek new directions in life. Just to help you tidy things up, you can remove the full quote here; the two smaller chunks are sufficient! “This conflict is a challenge, which then turns into a positive outcome in tom’s life. Burkes emphasizes the experience of others by overcoming their challenges in order to progress in life, which then deepens the human understanding of self and others. A solid paragraph in its foundations, but its missing the fancy bits. The links to the composers desires and WHY they chose particular techniques. The effect on the audience, the influence of context.

Human relationships can often be an important catalyst in stimulating change and transition in an individuals life., Tom’s evolutionary transformation was with the help of uncle Brendon as they climb the ‘ascent’, a symbolic physical environment that represents tom’s transitions throughout the book. When Tom reflects ‘we’d reached the top of the ascent’ this revelation allows him to reflect his achievement and ability to conquer traumatic events in life. Technique? The metaphor of ‘mountains’ symbolizes a tangible nature of transformation and Tom’s capability to confront experiences beyond his control. Also evident in the capitalization ‘The Grandmother’ linked with the negative word ‘sucker’ in ‘I was the sucker who had to go with the grandmother’ highlights the discomfort faced by tom as his grandmother, an adult with power over him, forces him to regain his faith in God by pushing him to Church. We have slipped a little too much into retell here, I really don't need to know about the implications for the character, I want to know what I LEARN about how human relationships as a catalyst for change! Tom’s growth symbolizes the change in attitudes and beliefs that have been formed by perseverance and relationships to overcome the past; this also can be seen through Gilbert in the film ‘what’s eating gilbert grape’, which revolves around his transition with the help of the catalyst Becky. Nice, smooth link to the next text there. In reference to Becky’s dialogue ‘ what do you want for yourself’ along with the close up shot of Gilberts face, approaches him emotionally as he has never been asked about himself, a reminder to the audience about the reality of Gilberts situation. Followed by the long road symbolizing the emotional and heartfelt journey waiting for Gilbert and the experiences, which he needs to encounter to uphold his capabilities. The juxtaposition with the medium shot of the rose-coloured sunset gives insight of both characters experiences whilst a close up shot of gilberts face predicts he ‘smiles’ for the first time, reflecting his journey to be reminiscent of his changing values towards new directions in life. Missing a conclusion on this paragraph and the last one too!

As individuals mature in life they are often confronted by events beyond their control that comepls them to transform their inner self. Nice intro, but again missing a proper textual introduction! In the prologue of burkes novel we are alerted with the tangible nature of sentiments as toms states his dad ‘ closes the door for the last time’ eliciting a sense of sadness and heartfelt emotions, followed by the adjective ‘last’ highlights Tom’s inability to change his situation, but accepts the challenge and allows it to become a door to new worlds. Ensure composer names are capitalised (that sentence also is probably a tad long). The last line of inclusive pronoun of ‘we’ juxtaposed with the action of ‘swam’ connects the motif of water with the act of cleansing love finally recruiting Tom’s life with physical transition. The comparison configures the traumatising experiences tom has undergone to transition in life and allows the responder to reflect upon Tom’s complexities and the implications, which he conquered in order to venture into new events in life. Connecting to the responder here, very nice, but still not mentioning the composer. Also evident In ‘what’s eating gilbert grape’ where in the first scene the long shot of the road symbolises the exotic journey for gilbert's transformation, a chance to change and venture into new worlds.Try not to slip into retell by saying "in this scene, ___", just give me the technique and its effect! In comparison to the last scene the symbolic meaning of the ‘burning house’ is an event that represents cleansing change that leads to the rebirth of gilbert, allowing him to overpower barriers that enabled him to transition in life. Juxtaposed with a close up shot of Gilberts face establishes his relief through his smile and configures the everlasting transformation of Gilberts explicit growth as an individual. Both composers use authentic techniques to give insight about the nuances of the individual’s challenges by helping us develop an understanding of self and others. Good job on concluding your paragraphs with a link to your Thesis.

The concept of transition involves changes in individuals as they move from one phase of their lives to another. Both composers have effectively employed the notion of conflict and relationship through the process of transition to further deepen the understanding of self and others. They were able to maintain a high level of authenticity throughout the texts, stimulating a profound response upon the audience whilst portraying the underlying concept of what it means to be human. Try not to talk about the texts in past tense (no "were"), but besides this, a punchy conclusion that works well!

Another excellent essay Tahmina! Again I'm super impressed with your introduction and conclusion, as well as the extremely detailed textual knowledge (for both texts). You are maintaining a Thesis very effectively in this essay, much more focused than the essay I marked earlier today :D

To be honest, much of my feedback here would be a repeat of my feedback for your Module A essay (and I would place it in the same mark range). You are still relying a little too heavily on textual retell, too much "in this scene this happened and this shows this." I want to see a shift up in sophistication, "the composer uses this technique to show the audience this." The difference is subtle but powerful.

The expression in this essay was good, but not fantastic. I'd still like to see some tidy ups. Capitalisation, syntax and other issues are still taking away from the response, and you can definitely be more succinct at times.

Beyond this, I'd like to see you recognise the role of the composer a little more. Remember, all these techniques were chosen for a reason, take a step back and give the composer recognition instead of the characters. The characters are just puppets! I'd also like to see you include context a little more ;D

Another great start Tahmina, some polish will make this even better! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: tahmina on July 09, 2016, 12:41:19 pm

thank you heaps !!! i got 16 for this module :/ and this was the edited version after i got my feedback ! the thing is we never got taught to always link it back the 'composers' ideas !

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 09, 2016, 01:29:51 pm

Quote from: tahmina on July 09, 2016, 12:41:19 pm

thank you heaps !!! i got 16 for this module :/ and this was the edited version after i got my feedback ! the thing is we never got taught to always link it back the 'composers' ideas !

Ahh there you go, I've been told I'm a tad harsh, perhaps I'm subconsciously marking for an Advanced Module not a Standard one, apologies ;) great job with that mark!!

Linking back to the composer is a subtle thing that they really push in Advanced, but it raises the sophistication substantially, definitely worth doing in either Standard or Advanced if it is something you can wrap your head around ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: hannahboardman98 on July 14, 2016, 09:56:34 am

Hi this is my essay for Module A. Can I just please have some general feedback as I don't have any major concerns other than if my structure is perfect! Thanks heaps. :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 17, 2016, 03:43:13 pm

Quote from: hannahboardman98 on July 14, 2016, 09:56:34 am

Hi this is my essay for Module A. Can I just please have some general feedback as I don't have any major concerns other than if my structure is perfect! Thanks heaps. :)

Hey Hannah!! Sorry for the delay, Elyse and I have been managing a big marking backlog after the lectures this week, we're almost caught up I think!! ;D

Since you just want general feedback I'll make it more digestible for you and just pop a few comments after every paragraph. And yep, I'll pay special attention to structure ;)

Warning: Feedback in Progress
Nevermind: Feedback Complete ;D

Spoiler

Discuss how the distinctively visual conveys distinctive experiences in The Shoe-Horn Sonata and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

War acts as a catalyst for producing horrors that create history. The men and women who experienced the atrocities of war resulted with significant long term ordeals. John Misto’s provocative play “The Shoehorn Sonata” and Wilfred Owen’s confronting poem “Dulce et Decorum est” exhibit the horrors of war through the distinctively visual. Misto and Owen use an array of techniques that assist in the portrayal of the thematic concerns of human vulnerability, the atrocities of war and writing history. These qualities of the distinctively visual allow the audience to be drawn into the experience of the characters and those who suffered the tribulations of war. Both texts explore the veracity of memories where we, as the audience, learn that we can construct our past due to the fact that it is shaped by memories. The composers successfully convey the brutalities of war in order to confront the audience with the true realities that war creates. This is a great Thesis! Some slight expression issues at the beginning; be sure to read the whole thing over and listen for things that don't sound quite right. In terms of structure, you've listed the themes you'll be discussing, this works really well. The sentence where you mention the audience "constructing their past" feels just a little out of place, not 100% sure how it fits with the greater argument.

Human vulnerability is conveyed through the distinctively visual where it displays one’s subjective view on their experiences through history. War depletes an individual’s strength to overcome adversity due to the horrific consequences it creates where one’s vitality is diminished. Misto decided to write the play “The Shoehorn Sonata” as a tribute to the women of the Prisoners of War and allow for society to understand the true horrors behind World War II. At the beginning of scene 1, the audience is confronted with an image of Bridie re-enacting the kowtow; a tribute to the emperor of Japan. The stage directions ‘Bridie stands in a spotlight. She bows stiffly from the waist, and remains in this position’ allow the viewers to distinctively visualise how the composer wishes it to be performed. This demonstrates the severe discipline expected by the Japanese and thereby accentuating the susceptibility their prisoners were compelled into. Owen’s “Dulce et Decorum est” displays how strength and zest are stripped from those who suffer the consequences of war. This is mirrored in the simile ‘Bent double, like old beggars under sacks’ which reveals the visual representation of the soldiers where the audience envisions ragged, spent men. This phrase creates connotations that exhort feelings of sympathy due to the use of ‘beggars’ that produce sadness and vulnerability within themselves as beggars were frowned upon during the context of the poem (1914-1918). However, within “The Shoe-horn Sonata”, Misto uses the shoehorn as a symbol of the women’s strength and will. This is evident in the last scene of Act 2, Sheila reveals her endeavour to exchange the shoehorn for quinine to save Bridie’s life. The shoehorn acts as a motif throughout the play where Misto uses it to symbolise the women’s survival. Both texts explore the effects of war and how the men and women’s strength was soon depleted by the power of the war instigators. Wow, great paragraph!! Structurally really great, flows nicely, I'd add "Thus" to the start of your conclusion, just to make it feel a little more definitive. Analysis is powerful, though perhaps slightly shifting to retell in places. Essentially, any explanation of where the technique occurs or anything similar about the plot is unnecessary, so watch that. Excellent integration of the audience impact, great use of technique, and expression on the whole is solid (though it could be a little more succinct if you wanted it to be). Awesome!

Courage, wisdom and bravado are nothing in the face of the overwhelming horror that war creates. Those who went to war suffered major atrocities that affected them both physically and psychologically. Misto uses photographic images throughout the play to unfold the true conditions of war. The stage directions in scene 5 ‘women in Japanese camps lining up for food, sleeping in barracks, carrying water’ allow the reader to envisage the projected images vividly. This enables them to empathise with the women as they are reminded that it is a fictional play based on real events. These photographs also demonstrate the filthy environment they suffered during their imprisonment; highlighting the pain and anguish they experienced during the war. The roaring diagetic sounds of machine gun fire and the cries of women enhance this experience as it creates sorrowful visuals of Japanese officers torturing innocent women; portraying the dismays they endured. This is also reflected in “Dulce et Decorum est” where the poet exposes the audience to the terrors of war through his choice of language. Owen’s use of repetition and exclamation marks in the first line of the second stanza ‘Gas! Gas! Quick boys!’ creates alarm and emphasis on those particular words. Owen specifically uses grammatical features to highlight the intense and lethal aspects of war, therefore confronting the audience with the truth of war. The dialogue of Sheila enables the audience to gain insight into the horrific experiences she endured at war. The simile describing the Giang Bee singing ‘It lay there like a wounded animal, spilling oil instead of blood’ displays an image of the ship from Sheila’s perspective. The audience is forced to envision Sheila swimming in freezing water, now filled with oil, sympathising with her. Hence, it is clear that the women suffered various atrocities at war, and Misto created a play that allowed the audience to share this experience with them; exposing them to the barbaric nature of war. The distinctively visual, in both texts, effectively conveys the distressing experiences of their lives during the epoch of war. Another great paragraph!! All your marks hit, this one REALLY answers the question super well, even better than the first. Consistently powerful analysis and links to the distinctively visual in the context of audience impact, very nice job! My only comment would be on expression, in places it could be tidied slightly, the same thing said in less words, but on the whole this is fantastic.

History relies on the memory of those who were participants. The distinctively visual experience is amplified through the combination of history and memory. “The Shoehorn Sonata” explores the memories of Sheila and Bridie and how they were a part of war history. Scene 13 exhibits the Japs desire to sustain history as a secret; protecting their empire. The dramatic irony of Bridie’s dialogue ‘We thought if the Japs ever murdered us all, some of our scribbling might be found one day’ is that she is now telling her story to the world. This subjective view of Bridie creates an intriguing atmosphere from the audience as they become engrossed within the play due to the fact that Bridie actually experienced the suffering she explains. Owen also demonstrates the brutal history of war through his point of view. Emotive language is used to express the sadness and disgust of war in order to portray the true history of what occurred during that particular time frame. Owen articulates his memories in ‘As under a green sea, I saw him drowning’, presenting the confronting imagery of thick green gas. Through the use of first person and ‘saw’, the effect of the phrase is enhanced as the reader envisages the picture from their own perspective, therefore, visibly understanding the history of WW1. Misto used music both as a motif and a pivotal technique to express how it assisted the women to escape the barbaric nature of war. Misto uses soundtracks from the period of their captivity to convey the flavour of the time, creating an authentic sense of history and it also reflects the emotion of the characters. At the beginning of scene 3, the soundtrack of “Something to Remember You By” produces a melancholy mood that supports the context/story of the play. The audience become immersed within the history of the play as Misto presents the authentic music and the women to support the truth of war and its histories. History is the main element of the play and the poem which enables the audience to deeply apprehend the memories of the war survivors. I'd say this paragraph is a little weaker than your first two, it's slipped a little too far into retell and not extrapolated the ideas to what the audience garners in a grander sense. It also, in my opinion, hasn't answered the question as effectively. Be careful that you don't just tell us what happened in the texts through techniques and what the audience learns about the text; go bigger. Explain how the the images created in the text are created and what the audience learns about the concept through those images. The concept in this paragraph is a little less solid than the others too, it might need a rework.

The distinctively visual depicts the experiences of the war veterans that were forced to suffer the atrocities of war. Misto and Owen explored the effects that war had on those involved in war and that society needs to be aware of this in order to prevent future wars. Both texts demonstrate themes of human vulnerability, the horrors of war and the history it made. The composers use visuals to reinforce the key concerns of the text and to convey a sense of reality for the audience. The distinctively visual reminds the audience that although the play is fiction, it is based on real historical events. Misto desire to write “The Shoehorn Sonata” was that he wanted to pay a tribute to the hundreds of women lost in captivity during 1939-1945. The audience is engrossed within the story of the composers due to the qualities of the distinctively visual. I think the first sentence here needs an adjustment, the experiences of war are shown using distinctively visual images, but it isn't the distinctively visual depicting the experiences of war (like, it isn't the instigator). I'm a nitpicker, aha. Besides that, great conclusion!! I do think you are introducing a bit too much new information with the Shoehorn Sonata, but you are hitting all your major points. Good work!

I don't think you need to have any concerns at all about this essay Hannah, it's great!! Not much I can fault at all. The third paragraph is a little weaker than the others, in analysis and concept, you may want to think about reworking it slightly. Also, I'd like to see some more interaction between your prescribed text and ORT; differences, similarities, how do different techniques achieve the same outcome for the audience, etc. Just playing with those sorts of ideas a little more.

That said, your structure is fantastic, and pretty much everything else is fantastic too. Not much I can suggest besides these few little things ;D great work!!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: katherine123 on July 19, 2016, 12:40:09 am

please have a look through my essay thanks

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: hannahboardman98 on July 19, 2016, 09:38:00 am

Hi this is my essay for Module A. Can you please read over it for me? I don't have any concerns in particular. Thanks heaps!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2016, 11:41:29 pm

Quote from: amandali on July 19, 2016, 01:38:39 am

can i get some feedback thanks :)

Hey amandali! You definitely can, your response is attached with feedback throughout! ;D

Spoiler

In the poem “Anthem for Doomed youth”, Owen conveys that the soldiers are inhumanely slaughtered like animals and their Christian funeral rites have been denied, thus challenging the gloried view of war and question the necessity of countless loss of innocent lives.Great introduction! Unlike “Futility” which centred on a single casualty, the Spenserian sonnet poem readdressed to all nameless young soldiers who died needlessly to reveal the vast impact of war. In the title, the word “Anthem” usually refers to a patriotic song of praise, however, it is ironically juxtaposed against “doomed youth” in which the high modality language of “doomed” highlights that the certain and inevitable death of the young soldiers thus invoking sympathy in readers. Good link to audience!! Owen begins with the rhetorical question, “what passing bells for these who die as cattle?” which undercut the traditional association of youth as promising and potential with images of inhumane butchery of soldiers on mass like “cattle”. The aural imagery created through the use of onomatopoeic and plosive “t” and “r” sounds in “stuttering rifles’ rapid rattle”, elucidates the cacophony sound of artillery which deepens reader’s imagination of brutal killings on the battlefield. Fantastic analysis going on here, excellent links to audience, brilliant! The disparaging and angry tone stressed by a series of alliterative negatives in “no mockeries…no prayers nor bells” emphasises the lack of proper rituals and dignified funeral, thus demonstrating the callous treatment of the dead soldiers at war. The personification in “demented choirs of wailing shells” compares the deafening sound of shells with pleasing sound of choir, symbolising church ceremony, which highlight that they have been robbed of dignity and ceremony and thus reflecting cruelty of war. In the sestet, Owen employs volta to mark the tonal shift to one of mournful and compassionate which links the chaos of the battlefield to the process of mourning felt at the homefront. More fantastic analysis, I love the variety of techniques you are referencing, great work! The candles expected to burn at funeral rites are transformed to glimmers of tears shed by soldiers’ family as demonstrated through the extended metaphor in “eyes shall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes”. This is furthered through visual imagery of “pallor girls’ brows shall be their pall” in which the alliteration of “l” accentuates the sorrowful mood as the “girls” mourn for the death of “boys” with grieving white faces instead of white pall which suggests the absence of proper burial. In the concluding lines of poem, the use of rhyming couplet “mind” and “blind” offers the finality of the lives of soldiers in a solemn way. Through the depiction of both warfront and homefront, Owen points out the ignominy of death in battle due to the lack of proper ceremony and the fact that bodies were left unburied, bringing emotional sufferings to the soldiers’ loved ones, thus rendering his “anthem” to ironically become an elegy for deceased soldiers. Fantastic paragraph on the whole, almost nothing to fault!

The sonnet poem, “Dulce et Decorum Est” was written during Owen’s recovery from shellshock and expresses his vitriolic adding the fact that men were lured into war by propaganda’s “old lie” that war is honourable and glorious. Try to make the start of your paragraphs a little more conceptual than this; the first one was better, though ideally you want something completely conceptual! The text should come in only after you establish the theme. The ironic title and final line of the poem comes from the Roman poet Horace meaning, “it is sweet and honourable to die for one’s country” is refuted by Owen’s opening image depicted through the simile “bent double, like old beggars under sacks” which depicts young soldiers as old man who are prematurely aged and frail. Slight expression issue there, that sentence doesn't quite flow. Thus, by subverting the orthodox views of war as a glorious and heroic pursuit, Owen critiques the miserable and misleading enterprise of war. Great. This is reinforced through the metaphor of “drunk with fatigue” which conveys that their exhaustion has deadened their senses beyond feeling as if they are intoxicated by alcohol, thus becomes oblivious to the dangers. That last phrase doesn't quite match the rest of the sentence grammatically. Owen reinforces the soldiers unpreparedness for war through the hyperbole, “men marched asleep” as they are reduced to automatons that function mechanically and have lost their capacity for rational thoughts. What does the audience realise about this as a result? Furthermore, Owen demonstrates their sheer fright and panic through the use of imperative language, “Gas! Gas! Quick, boys!”, which quickens the pace of the poem and highlights their sense of urgency between their life and death situation thus inducing sympathy in readers. Good. Then, the pace is slowed down due to the polysyllabic participles such as “stumbling”, “floundering” and “drowning” which stresses the soldiers’ helplessness as they struggle to stay alive. The graphic language accentuated by the onomatopoeia “gargling” in “come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs” assaults the reader with the horrific sight of a soldier struggling to breathe with gas burning his lungs and satirically overturns the naïve belief that it is fitting to die for one’s country. Fantastic analysis! This furthered through the visceral imagery in “white eyes writhing” which conveys the excruciating agony induced by a sudden gas attack. Similarly in “Strange Meeting”, Owen employs a tone of bitter scorn in “my friend” to convey the naivety and innocence of youth as they have been disillusioned by their glorified view of war due to the “old lie” which led them to their death. Therefore, Owen incorporates vivid scene of soldiers suffering at war to force readers to comprehend the atrocity and futility of war and to refute the title that “it is sweet and honourable to die for one’s country”. Great conclusion, very very nice!

This is some fantastic analysis amandali! A variety of powerful techniques, clear concepts, and what I love most: Direct links to audience. There's not too many comments throughout, because there is not much I can critique, this works really really really well!!

What throws me a tad is that these seem like two body paragraphs of a greater essay; this doesn't feel complete! The structure of your response is all that needs work, to develop a greater sense of clarity. Before I go into that though, could you tell me what question/stimulus that this is responding to? Or is this just a some generic practice? Just so I can tailor what I say next to what you need ;D

I'll also give you a bit of a challenge to improve your expression even further. Consider this sentence:

The graphic language accentuated by the onomatopoeia “gargling” in “come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs” assaults the reader with the horrific sight of a soldier struggling to breathe with gas burning his lungs and satirically overturns the naïve belief that it is fitting to die for one’s country.

You can make your writing more succinct by actually using the quote to say what you want to say! In the sentence above, that would look like this:

Graphic language is used to assault the reader with aural imagery, as the naive belief that it is fitting to die for ones country is quickly overturned by the image of "gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs."

By no means a perfect example, but notice how the quote actually becomes the thing I am talking about, it forms part of my thought. This has the benefits of more succinct expression, and further, a better flow, since it removes the need for stopping your train of thought to give the quote. Markers love this, and you are writing at the level that you can try to implement this in your writing ;D

Again, great work amandali!! I want to give you some feedback on structure too, but I'll wait for you to tell me a bit about what this response was tailored towards. You can always read this article for a basic idea, of course ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2016, 11:42:56 pm

Quote from: katherine123 on July 19, 2016, 12:40:09 am

please have a look through my essay thanks

Oh, and you haven't been forgotten Katherine!! Elyse has already started marking your essay, but I think she's having some tech issues, you'll have feedback very soon! ;D

Quote from: hannahboardman98 on July 19, 2016, 09:38:00 am

Hi this is my essay for Module A. Can you please read over it for me? I don't have any concerns in particular. Thanks heaps!

And I'll get to your essay in the morning Hannah! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 20, 2016, 08:11:13 am

Quote from: katherine123 on July 19, 2016, 12:40:09 am

please have a look through my essay thanks

Hi Katherine! Sorry, I intended to have this done last night but as Jamon said, I was having tech issues!

Here is your essay in the spoiler, with my comments in bold font:

Spoiler

The Next War
In the poem, “The Next War”, Owen usually for the first time you introduce a composer, use their first and last name, and then their surname from there on in :) reveals his personal familiarity with death brought on by 1917 Great War, where he expresses his discontent with the extreme and unnecessary suffering and deaths of innocent youths and thus questions the meaning of war. Owen composes this poem in Spenserian sonnet form to ironically direct attention toward the overly familiar relation between soldiers and “death”. If this is for an exam, you'll be required to write an introduction. But if this is for a specific task that doesn't require one, then of course you won't need one. At the moment the introduction does not stand alone. There is an introductory sentence and then it rolls into the analysis of form. On that note, it is awesome that you're analysing form, because not enough people do it at all! So that's really important. I'll write at the end about writing an introduction. Due to witnessing countless, horrifying deaths, the soldiers have become psychologically damaged and desensitised toward death. Owen conveys this by personifying “death” as their friend in “we walked, quite friendly up to death” to suggest that it is a frequent and inevitable presence looming over the war. Death is further personified through the olfactory imagery in “green thick odour of his breath” which alludes to the gas attack, depicted in “Dulce et Decorum Est”, where death crowds the vicinity of soldiers as they are able to sense its noxious presence. The sinister presence of death on battlefield is further portrayed through the accumulation of verbs such as “spat” and “shaved” which deepens reader’s imagination of its cruel and vicious nature. You've got amazing analysis here!In the second stanza, however, Owen utilises volta where the persona proclaims “Oh, death was never an enemy of ours!” in a sarcastic tone, to induce a tacit acceptance of the fact that in such futile circumstances soldiers were never enlisted to fight against death. Through sarcastic tone in “we laughed knowing better men would come,/ and greater wars”, Owen reveals the loss of humanity by accepting the reality of further violence and stresses likelihood of deaths beyond the 1917 Great War. As a result, the soldiers become accustomed to death as their “old chum” great embedded quote! to show their acceptance of the absurd situation as they realise that they must befriend with death in order to psychologically cope with the inevitability of death. Therefore, Owen presents that the soldiers has embraced the necessity of death in “The Next War” and questions ~~his~~ his involvement in the war as there will be next war and countless soldiers will replace him and his comrades. You're analysis here is awesome. You link to the text, the technique and the effect without consistently relating to the same structure of quote-technique-effect. You change it up, which is a skill that is SO valuable in your work! This is a long paragraph, when written in handwriting I think it has the potential to be a page long. You definitely could split this into: recognising the devastation of war, and then questioning the war. Or another split of that kind, if you want to. The benefit of splitting it up is that you provide yourself an extra opportunity at the start and end of the new split paragraphs to re-establish your direction as an essay composer, and march onwards with a great response!
Futility
The poem, “Futility” questions religious faith and purpose of life by focusing on the microcosmic tragedy of prematurely aged young man who fails to be resurrected, which was based on his experience of witnessing his comrade freezing to death. Owen adopts an elegiac tone Yess, elegiac tone! Awesome!in the poem to express his despair and hopelessness at the wasteful loss of young, able-bodied men. The poem begins with feverish actions conveyed through an imperative tone, “move him into the sun”, which demonstrates the comrades’ eager hope that the “sun”, representing the power of God, will rouse a deceased comrade back to life. Although, the “kind old sun” has “awoken him once”, it is rendered powerless as the corpse cannot be roused again even though it is “still warm”, thus causing soldiers to question their optimistic faith in God. Owen demonstrates this through the use of oxymoron of “fatuous sunbeam” which mocks the existence of the sun as the harbinger of life and diminishes its importance in the creation of life. The warmth of the “sun” starkly juxtaposed with coldness of the “snow” connoting the finality of death and decay, which turns hope into despair. The use of pararhyme such as “sun-sown” and “star-stir” breaks the natural rhythm of the poem, which reflects the war’s disruption to cycle of life and also expresses Owen’s frustration over his vain attempt at resurrection. Towards the end of poem, Owen’s rhetorical question, “to break earth’s sleep at all?”, alludes to the Biblical creation myth depicted in Genesis, which provokes deep thought in relation to the purpose of godly act of creation if soldiers are deliberately sent to their deaths at war. Amazing analysis!Therefore, the poem, “Futility”, reiterates Owen’s uttered disillusionment at the fact that God has turned away from the soldiers and any hope of resurrection appears futile, thus conveying the worthless process of creation as everything is ultimately destructed by war.

Your analysis is incredible! You've taken even the most complex sections of the poem and given them an awesome analysis. You don't at all lose sight of your essay direction. I mean, you're not just topping and tailing each paragraph with a take on the question, you're also tackling the thesis at the end of each new argument in the work. That's an incredible feature of your work! Each year in Standard and Advanced, markers say that you can't just top and tail your work. You're not! You're going beyond that. Awesome!

As for an introduction, I'm assuming this is for an exam where you will need one. Try a structure like this:
Sentence One: Introduce the ideas of the text - make this your thesis. Usually the best thesis statements don't involve the actual title of the text in them, but it depends on the module. So for you, you'd be talking about the idea of questioning in times of turmoil.
Sentence Two: Introduce the text. Provide the title, year, author, and a tiny bit of context if you like. Use the author's first and surname here. Then surname only from there onwards.
Sentence Three: Talk about your ideas in the text, so you're amplifying the thesis. Talk about questioning of war and questioning of God. You can make this two sentences if you like

Then you start your paragraph 1 with a topic sentence of its own - so you highlight that your first paragraph will discuss questioning of war. Say it in a kind of conceptual way, don't just talk about the text. Talk about the idea in the text. Then use the rest of the paragraph to be a testament to your idea!

You've done an awesome, awesome, awesome job here! You should be stoked :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 20, 2016, 10:32:58 am

Quote from: hannahboardman98 on July 19, 2016, 09:38:00 am

Hi this is my essay for Module A. Can you please read over it for me? I don't have any concerns in particular. Thanks heaps!

Hey Hannah! Sure can, feedback is throughout in bold ;D

Spoiler

Discuss how the distinctively visual conveys distinctive experiences in The Shoe-Horn Sonata and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

Distinctive experiences affect us in several manners that may alter our perception of history through the confronting nature of memories. Use high modality language in your Thesis: Remove the "may," be sure of your own points! War acts as a catalyst for producing horrors that create history. The men and women who experienced the atrocities of war resulted with significant long term ordeals. You could blend those two sentences together for better flow. John Misto’s provocative play “The Shoehorn Sonata” and Wilfred Owen’s confronting poem “Dulce et Decorum est” exhibit the horrors of war through the distinctively visual. Fantastic. Misto and Owen use an array of techniques that assist in the portrayal of the thematic concerns of human vulnerability, the atrocities of war and writing history. These qualities of the distinctively visual allow the audience to be drawn into the experience of the characters and those who suffered the tribulations of war. Both texts explore the veracity of memories where we, as the audience, alter our own perception of the. Missing word here? The composers successfully convey the brutalities of war in order to confront the audience with the realities that war creates. Awesome introduction! No comments, works extremely well ;D

Human vulnerability is conveyed through the distinctively visual where one’s subjective view on their experiences creates history. War depletes an individual’s ability to overcome adversity due to the destruction of an individual’s vitality. Great introduction. Miso decided to write the play “The Shoehorn Sonata” as a tribute to female Prisoners of War, and so further allow for society to understand the true horrors behind World War II. Try to be as succinct as possible. For example, the first part of this sentence could just be: "Miso wrote the play..." At the beginning of scene 1, the audience is confronted with an image of Bridie re-enacting the kowtow; a tribute to the emperor of Japan. So this is one of the 'retell' sentences I alluded to in your previous feedback, no technique, just telling us what happened. Unnecessary, you can remove it. The stage directions ‘Bridie stands in a spotlight. She bows stiffly from the waist, and remains in this position’ allow the viewers to distinctively visualise how the composer wishes it to be performed. This demonstrates the severe discipline expected by the Japanese and thereby accentuates the susceptibility their prisoners were compelled into. What does it show us about human vulnerability in the general sense though? This is an important thing to mention. Owen’s “Dulce et Decorum est” also displays how strength and zest are stripped from those who suffer the consequences of war. This is mirrored in the simile ‘Bent double, like old beggars under sacks’ which reveals the visual representation of soldiers as ragged, spent men. During the period of World War II, beggars were highly frowned upon. Connotations are created by the use of ‘beggar’s that exhort feelings of sympathy, producing sadness and vulnerability. Both texts explore the effects of war and how its victims were found to be vulnerable and as a consequence entirely corrupted after the experiences they were forced to endure. Great paragraph!! But make sure your conclusion makes a link back to your introduction, and preferably, also the distinctively visual ;D

Courage, wisdom and bravado are nothing in the face of the overwhelming horror that war creates. Those who went to war suffered major atrocities which affected them both physically and psychologically. Misto uses photographic images throughout his play to demonstrate the true conditions of war. The stage directions in scene 5 ‘women in Japanese camps lining up for food, sleeping in barracks, carrying water’ allow the audience to visualise the projected images in action, enabling us to empathise with the women. These photographs also demonstrate the filthy environment the women were held captive in during their imprisonment; highlighting their pain and anguish. The roaring diagetic sounds of machine gun fire and the cries of women enhance this experience as it creates sorrowful images of Japanese officers punishing innocent women; portraying the tortures they endured. Great analysis, exploring different ways the image is created. What effect does this have on the responder? What happens to our view of war? This is also reflected in “Dulce et Decorum est” where the poet exposes the audience to the terrors of war through his choice of language. Be more specific here: We know he chooses language, what sort of language? Is it lots of imagery? Owen’s use of repetition and exclamation marks in the first line of the second stanza ‘Gas! Gas! Quick boys!’ creates alarm and emphasis on those particular words. Remove "on those particular words," a bit unnecessary.' Owen specifically uses grammatical features to highlight the vicious aspects of war, therefore confronting the audience with the truth of the past. The distinctively visual, in both texts, effectively conveys the distressing experiences of the war participants lives. Better conclusion this time! Though I'm getting less of the audience impact in this paragraph, try and link these images with the effects they have on the responder.

History itself is utterly reliant not only on the events that compose it, but more significantly on those who participated in these events. The memory of those participants’ remains to be the only liable evidence we can we can obtain about the events themselves. Maybe add something about how composers bring these memories to life through the distinctively visual? Looking for a tie to the module aims. “The Shoehorn Sonata” explores the memories of Sheila and Bridie and how they were a part of war history. Misto used music both as a motif and a pivotal technique to express how it assisted the women in escaping the barbaric nature of war. Talk about your texts in the PRESENT TENSE, after all, this is your current interpretation! Soundtracks from the period of their captivity are used to convey the flavour of the time, creating an authentic sense of history, also reflecting the emotion of the characters. Great! At the beginning of scene 3, the soundtrack of “Something to Remember You By” produces a melancholy mood that supports the context/story of the play. The audience become immersed within the history of the play as Misto presents the authentic music and the women to support the truth of war and its histories. Owen also demonstrates the brutal history of war through his point of view. Again, the latter half of that sentence feels a little redundant. Emotive language is used to express the sadness and disgust of war in order to portray the true history of what occurred during that particular time frame. Example? Owen articulates his memories in ‘As under a green sea, I saw him drowning’, presenting the confronting imagery of thick green gas. Through the use of first person and past tense, the effect of the phrase is enhanced as the reader envisages the events from their own perspective, therefore, visibly understanding the history of WW1. History is the main element of both texts that enables the audience to deeply apprehend the memories of war survivors. Good paragraph!

The experiences of war veterans are depicted in various textual forms through the distinctively visual. Misto and Owen explored the effects that war creates and that one’s subjective view on war entirely constructs our knowledge of history. Both texts demonstrate themes of human vulnerability, the horrors of war and the history it made. The composers use images to reinforce the key concerns of the text and to convey a sense of reality for the audience. The distinctively visual reminds the audience that although the play is fiction, it is based on real historical events. The audience is engrossed within the story of the composers due to the qualities of the distinctively visual. Thereby, under the effect of all these factors, the distinctively visual allows for “The Shoehorn Sonata” and “Dulce et Decorum est” to produce images within the mind of their audience in regards to specific events, experiences and themes. Great conclusion! I think you could make it a little more succinct, there is a bit of repetition of very similar ideas, but it works well!

Great essay Hannah!! Fantastic conceptually driven structure, which I love, it shows that you are considering the texts as a communication mechanism for ideas by the composer. Fantastic analysis, good set of techniques with the effect explained well. Great introduction and conclusion with clear links to the Module guidelines. Overall, really really fantastic!!

I'd have a few small comments to push it even further skyward. First, more frequent involvement of the audience. You do reference the audience regularly, but you could do it more, be sure to regularly consider the impacts of the images being created on the responder!

Second, some more obvious module links in the introduction. Try to mention the use of distinctively visual images in one of the first two sentences of your body paragraph, just to sustain the idea of the Module.

Third, be sure every technique you mention has a textual reference attached (if applicable). Just looking for a little bit more quote inclusion.

And finally, expression. Your expression is great and easy to understand, but there are places where there are redundant phrases inserted. Now this is a 1000 word essay, not too long for a Module essay, but if you make your expression a little tighter you'll either have room for more analysis, or, have more time for your other essays in the exam ;D

One way to do this is to integrate the quotes you want to use into what you want to say. Best to look at an example, consider these sentences:

Owen’s “Dulce et Decorum est” also displays how strength and zest are stripped from those who suffer the consequences of war. This is mirrored in the simile ‘Bent double, like old beggars under sacks’ which reveals the visual representation of soldiers as ragged, spent men.

I can make this more succinct by actually using the quote to say what I want to say:

Owen's "Dulce et Decorum est" displays how strength and zest are stripped from those who suffer the consequences of war, mirrored in powerful similes which develop a distinctive image for the audience, as they visualise soldiers "Bent double, like old beggars under sacks."

Now this sentence is a similar length, but in the same space I included a link to the module and the audience. Notice that the sentence just 'flows' a little better, because you aren't interrupting to introduce the quote. This is something you can try if you feel up to it, it's tough, but it is very powerful ;D

Great work Hannah!! A fantastic response ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: dtinaa on July 24, 2016, 02:31:59 pm

Hi, this is my essay for Module A Distinctive Voices, could you please read it and let me know what I need to improve on? The prescribed text is Komninos Zervos' poems and the related text I chose was Kevin Rudd's Sorry Speech. The question I answered was:
“Distinctive voices are intended to have an impact on the responder.”
What impact have the voices had on you in TWO poems set for study and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Could you please let me know if the related text I have chosen is appropriate and if I have analysed well enough? Also, this module really confused me so I wasn't entirely sure how to structure it, do you have any tips on how to structure essays for this particular module?

Thanks in advance,
Tina :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: katherine123 on July 24, 2016, 09:36:13 pm

Quote from: elysepopplewell on July 20, 2016, 08:11:13 am

Hi Katherine! Sorry, I intended to have this done last night but as Jamon said, I was having tech issues!

Here is your essay in the spoiler, with my comments in bold font:
Spoiler
The Next War
In the poem, “The Next War”, Owen usually for the first time you introduce a composer, use their first and last name, and then their surname from there on in :) reveals his personal familiarity with death brought on by 1917 Great War, where he expresses his discontent with the extreme and unnecessary suffering and deaths of innocent youths and thus questions the meaning of war. Owen composes this poem in Spenserian sonnet form to ironically direct attention toward the overly familiar relation between soldiers and “death”. If this is for an exam, you'll be required to write an introduction. But if this is for a specific task that doesn't require one, then of course you won't need one. At the moment the introduction does not stand alone. There is an introductory sentence and then it rolls into the analysis of form. On that note, it is awesome that you're analysing form, because not enough people do it at all! So that's really important. I'll write at the end about writing an introduction. Due to witnessing countless, horrifying deaths, the soldiers have become psychologically damaged and desensitised toward death. Owen conveys this by personifying “death” as their friend in “we walked, quite friendly up to death” to suggest that it is a frequent and inevitable presence looming over the war. Death is further personified through the olfactory imagery in “green thick odour of his breath” which alludes to the gas attack, depicted in “Dulce et Decorum Est”, where death crowds the vicinity of soldiers as they are able to sense its noxious presence. The sinister presence of death on battlefield is further portrayed through the accumulation of verbs such as “spat” and “shaved” which deepens reader’s imagination of its cruel and vicious nature. You've got amazing analysis here!In the second stanza, however, Owen utilises volta where the persona proclaims “Oh, death was never an enemy of ours!” in a sarcastic tone, to induce a tacit acceptance of the fact that in such futile circumstances soldiers were never enlisted to fight against death. Through sarcastic tone in “we laughed knowing better men would come,/ and greater wars”, Owen reveals the loss of humanity by accepting the reality of further violence and stresses likelihood of deaths beyond the 1917 Great War. As a result, the soldiers become accustomed to death as their “old chum” great embedded quote! to show their acceptance of the absurd situation as they realise that they must befriend with death in order to psychologically cope with the inevitability of death. Therefore, Owen presents that the soldiers has embraced the necessity of death in “The Next War” and questions ~~his~~ his involvement in the war as there will be next war and countless soldiers will replace him and his comrades. You're analysis here is awesome. You link to the text, the technique and the effect without consistently relating to the same structure of quote-technique-effect. You change it up, which is a skill that is SO valuable in your work! This is a long paragraph, when written in handwriting I think it has the potential to be a page long. You definitely could split this into: recognising the devastation of war, and then questioning the war. Or another split of that kind, if you want to. The benefit of splitting it up is that you provide yourself an extra opportunity at the start and end of the new split paragraphs to re-establish your direction as an essay composer, and march onwards with a great response!
Futility
The poem, “Futility” questions religious faith and purpose of life by focusing on the microcosmic tragedy of prematurely aged young man who fails to be resurrected, which was based on his experience of witnessing his comrade freezing to death. Owen adopts an elegiac tone Yess, elegiac tone! Awesome!in the poem to express his despair and hopelessness at the wasteful loss of young, able-bodied men. The poem begins with feverish actions conveyed through an imperative tone, “move him into the sun”, which demonstrates the comrades’ eager hope that the “sun”, representing the power of God, will rouse a deceased comrade back to life. Although, the “kind old sun” has “awoken him once”, it is rendered powerless as the corpse cannot be roused again even though it is “still warm”, thus causing soldiers to question their optimistic faith in God. Owen demonstrates this through the use of oxymoron of “fatuous sunbeam” which mocks the existence of the sun as the harbinger of life and diminishes its importance in the creation of life. The warmth of the “sun” starkly juxtaposed with coldness of the “snow” connoting the finality of death and decay, which turns hope into despair. The use of pararhyme such as “sun-sown” and “star-stir” breaks the natural rhythm of the poem, which reflects the war’s disruption to cycle of life and also expresses Owen’s frustration over his vain attempt at resurrection. Towards the end of poem, Owen’s rhetorical question, “to break earth’s sleep at all?”, alludes to the Biblical creation myth depicted in Genesis, which provokes deep thought in relation to the purpose of godly act of creation if soldiers are deliberately sent to their deaths at war. Amazing analysis!Therefore, the poem, “Futility”, reiterates Owen’s uttered disillusionment at the fact that God has turned away from the soldiers and any hope of resurrection appears futile, thus conveying the worthless process of creation as everything is ultimately destructed by war.

Your analysis is incredible! You've taken even the most complex sections of the poem and given them an awesome analysis. You don't at all lose sight of your essay direction. I mean, you're not just topping and tailing each paragraph with a take on the question, you're also tackling the thesis at the end of each new argument in the work. That's an incredible feature of your work! Each year in Standard and Advanced, markers say that you can't just top and tail your work. You're not! You're going beyond that. Awesome!

As for an introduction, I'm assuming this is for an exam where you will need one. Try a structure like this:
Sentence One: Introduce the ideas of the text - make this your thesis. Usually the best thesis statements don't involve the actual title of the text in them, but it depends on the module. So for you, you'd be talking about the idea of questioning in times of turmoil.
Sentence Two: Introduce the text. Provide the title, year, author, and a tiny bit of context if you like. Use the author's first and surname here. Then surname only from there onwards.
Sentence Three: Talk about your ideas in the text, so you're amplifying the thesis. Talk about questioning of war and questioning of God. You can make this two sentences if you like

Then you start your paragraph 1 with a topic sentence of its own - so you highlight that your first paragraph will discuss questioning of war. Say it in a kind of conceptual way, don't just talk about the text. Talk about the idea in the text. Then use the rest of the paragraph to be a testament to your idea!

You've done an awesome, awesome, awesome job here! You should be stoked :)

there are 6 poems in total for module C and is it okay if i do 2 poems for 1 essay with 2 body paragraphs? Will they ever ask to include at least 3 poems in the essay?

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: RuiAce on July 24, 2016, 09:46:47 pm

Quote from: katherine123 on July 24, 2016, 09:36:13 pm

there are 6 poems in total for module C and is it okay if i do 2 poems for 1 essay with 2 body paragraphs? Will they ever ask to include at least 3 poems in the essay?

I do have one thing to input here.

Yes - They can ask for three. However at least four is something I've never heard of

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 24, 2016, 10:58:56 pm

Quote from: RuiAce on July 24, 2016, 09:46:47 pm

I do have one thing to input here.

Yes - They can ask for three. However at least four is something I've never heard of

I agree, specifying that many would be a bit harsh :D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: katherine123 on July 25, 2016, 10:44:15 am

My friend said I don't need to mention what the each individual texts is about in the intro for module C since it's the close study of texts (by the same composer and all poems exhibit similar ideas) and instead mention the overall common ideas conveyed in all poems.
So for eg. my intro:
question: How does Wilfred Owen’s poetry portray interesting ideas about loss?
Wilfred Owen states “my subject of war and the pity of war” to convey the brutal destruction of soldiers’ mental spirits and their unnecessary deaths, bringing intense grief at the homefront which challenges the illusion of glorious facade of war created by bureaucratic government. Owen uses his poems to highlight the soldier’s familiarity and inevitability of death which encompasses the futility and poignancy of war. It is through the unorthodox use of poetic structure, form and techniques, Owen portrays ideas about the loss of hope, religious faith and innocent lives to highlight the horrific reality of war and question the purpose of war.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 25, 2016, 10:59:04 am

Quote from: katherine123 on July 25, 2016, 10:44:15 am

My friend said I don't need to mention what the each individual texts is about in the intro for module C since it's the close study of texts (by the same composer and all poems exhibit similar ideas) and instead mention the overall common ideas conveyed in all poems.
So for eg. my intro:
question: How does Wilfred Owen’s poetry portray interesting ideas about loss?
Wilfred Owen states “my subject of war and the pity of war” to convey the brutal destruction of soldiers’ mental spirits and their unnecessary deaths, bringing intense grief at the homefront which challenges the illusion of glorious facade of war created by bureaucratic government. Owen uses his poems to highlight the soldier’s familiarity and inevitability of death which encompasses the futility and poignancy of war. It is through the unorthodox use of poetic structure, form and techniques, Owen portrays ideas about the loss of hope, religious faith and innocent lives to highlight the horrific reality of war and question the purpose of war.

I would agree with that, definitely! ;D however, I would recommend that the first sentence of your introduction for the module be conceptual, some over-arching statement about a concept or (from the syllabus), the interaction of ideas, forms and language.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: katherine123 on July 25, 2016, 11:22:53 pm

Can you have a look through my intro? Is the context that ive included enough?

How does Wilfred Owen’s poetry portray interesting ideas about loss?
Intro: Wilfred Owen, who served on the battle of attrition on the Somme, states “pity of war” to convey the brutal destruction of soldiers’ mental spirits and their unnecessary deaths, bringing intense grief at the homefront which challenges the glorious facade of war created by bureaucratic government. It is through the unorthodox use of a variety of poetic forms such as Spenserian sonnet and pararhyme, and techniques such as personification and sarcasm in his poems, Owen portrays ideas about the loss of hope, religious faith and innocent lives. Owen’s poetry is distinct because it conveys his bitter criticism of the idealistic appeals to patriotism and elucidates the diagnosed shell-shock which describes the psychological turmoil of war.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: amandali on July 25, 2016, 11:41:19 pm

can you have a look through my essay thanks :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: amandali on July 26, 2016, 12:03:24 am

Successful composers use distinctively visual elements to create a particular point of view. To what extent does this statement reflect your response to Wilfred Owen’s poetry?
For questions like this, do i just include words like clearly, effectively, successfully, in the body paragraph instead of repeating "to a great extent"

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 12:29:56 am

Quote from: dtinaa on July 24, 2016, 02:31:59 pm

Hi, this is my essay for Module A Distinctive Voices, could you please read it and let me know what I need to improve on? The prescribed text is Komninos Zervos' poems and the related text I chose was Kevin Rudd's Sorry Speech. The question I answered was:
“Distinctive voices are intended to have an impact on the responder.”
What impact have the voices had on you in TWO poems set for study and at least ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Could you please let me know if the related text I have chosen is appropriate and if I have analysed well enough? Also, this module really confused me so I wasn't entirely sure how to structure it, do you have any tips on how to structure essays for this particular module?

Thanks in advance,
Tina :)

Spoiler

Distinctive voices have the ability to impact the responder in many ways. A simple Thesis, I think you could do something a little more interesting with it, WHY can they do this (for example)? Think about ways you can make this a little more interesting. It can influence the responder to reflect upon their preconceived notions and as a result stimulate the renewal and alteration of the responder’s initial perspectives toward a particular matter. Good! In Komninos Zervos’ poems, “noura from narooma” and “thomastown talk” and Kevin Rudd’s National Apology speech, these composers use language to create distinctive voices in their texts for those who have been made voiceless in the face of oppression. I think the idea of distinctive voices of the oppressed would be an AMAZING idea for a Thesis to start the essay! Consequently, this affects the interpretation of the text and shapes meaning for the responder. More than affects, it "controls" it! Make the voices the absolute focus!

Distinctive voices have the ability to bring challenging experiences to life, allowing the responder to develop sympathy for the speaker. Excellent start. Distinctive voices are created through language and structure in texts which will compel the responder to understand more about the world around them. Careful not to bring in a new concept; focus on bringing challenging experiences to life, the links to curiosity here don't follow that focus. This is evident in Komninos Zervos’ poem ‘Noura from Narooma’ whereby a voice is given to a victim suffering from domestic violence in order to be free from her husband’s manipulative power. Through using the voice of a woman, Zervos reveals the difficulties of being the minority in Australia. The repetition of “maybe if i had said something...” throughout the poem creates a reflective voice which makes apparent to the responder that the speaker regrets not speaking up for herself when she had many opportunities to do so. Good analysis, but what does it reveal in general? The use of an ellipsis fades her thought and her voice into silence to depict how her husband has silenced her within the community. However, she decides to stay silent in order to keep her family together. Retell. This is apparent in the rhetorical questions, “me, leave my children? what sort of mother would I be?” Retell. The use of rhetorical questions creates a distressed and confused voice as the speaker is faced with a moral dilemma. Through this voice, the responder develops sympathy for her but also applaud her resilience as they are exposed to the cruel nature of abuse. Good links to audience, however (this is important), I don't really care about the characters as much as I care about what I am taught about the nature of challenging experiences, through techniques! This module explores how this is achieved, be sure to stress the techniques not what happens! This is further conveyed through the assonance of the word “shock” in “It was a shock, such a shock” which creates a jump in the sentence, influencing the responder to feel the same shock as the speaker. Hence, the responder does not only develop sympathy but also empathy through engaging with the distinctive voice and learning the negative impact of domestic violence on individuals. Thus through learning this, the responder will understand more about the world which will evoke the renewal of their perceptions. Again, this conclusion doesn't match your last sentence, there is a conceptual issue in this paragraph, you lose focus somewhere!

Distinctive voices are projected by a speaker to provoke emotions that may influence the responder. Simple but effective! Through the use of language, distinctive voices are created to reveal the speaker’s purpose as they manipulate the responder to evoke an emotive response. Doesn't add much to the introduction, be sure the amplification doesn't just say the same thing in a different way! This is evident in, Kevin Rudd’s ‘National Apology Speech’ in which Kevin Rudd gains a voice by apologising to the Aboriginal people. Through the use of descriptive language in “The pain, suffering and hurt of these stolen generations”, it adds emphasis to the apology as the responder feels the emotions attached to these words. What emotions? Be specific, but good audience link. Consequently, the responder develops sympathy for the aboriginal people through being exposed to the injustices that they experienced in the past. Excellent, what does this exemplify about how composers create a distinctive voice? Through the use of formal and emotive language in “the sheer brutality of the act of physically separating a mother from her children” it creates a political voice which causes the responder to feel extreme discomfort as they empathise with the Aboriginal people through imagining the pain of being separated from their child due to the Stolen Generation. As the speaker pauses whilst repeating “We apologise for,” creates a sincere voice. A tad retell here. The use of repetition reinforces how sincerely sorry Australians are for past mistreatment and assists Kevin Rudd to successfully convey his message. Hence, through empathising with the Aboriginal people the responder understands the pain and mistreatment that they experienced which influence the responder to alter their perspective towards the white people as well as the Aboriginal people. Great audience links and techniques here; I'm looking for some more general ramifications, how does this exemplify the idea of impacts on responder through distinctive voices?

A distinctive voice has the power and control to manipulate the responder by influencing their perceptions. This is very similar to the prior paragraph, you may want to think of a way to make them more distinct? Through the use of language in texts, distinctive voices of the minority and those misjudged by society are projected to evoke strong responses from the responder. Excellent. This is evident in Komninos Zervos’ poem, ‘thomastown talk’ where Komninos gives a voice to victims suffering from police brutality. Don't waste time saying "it happens," show me examples immediately! Through the use of colloquial language and the implied derogatory contraction, ‘copsmate’, it manipulates the rhythm and pace of the poem creating a stereotypical voice of an Australian individual. Through this voice, the speaker’s negative view towards the police is portrayed to the responder. What are these views? This is further emphasised in the idiom, “they’re not straight mate”, which suggests that the police are corrupt and involved in criminal behaviour. However, the speaker has lost their voice due to their lack of education and low socioeconomic status which is denoted in the informal language used. It is apparent that the voice of the speaker is kept silent throughout the poem as highlighted in the rhetorical question, “report it?” The critical tone of the speaker conveys that they believe reporting the abuse will lead to more trouble as no one would believe their voice over the police’s. Ensure that you don't get too locked into taking within the text, step back a little bit and talk purely about the composers choices. The details of the plot of the text aren't relevant! The silenced voice influences the responder to connect with the speaker. Through this, the responder is encouraged to empathise with the speaker as they gain a deeper understanding of police corruption. “He jumped they’ll say mate” emphasises how police brutality has not yet been exposed to society as corruption seems to be only recognised by those who are impacted by such experiences. Hence, the responder develops anger and sympathy for the speaker which prompts the responder to alter their initial perceptions of the police as they are manipulated through the distinctive voice of victims who feel powerless in the face of police abuse. Thus, through extending their understanding of police corruption, the responder reflects on their awareness of the world and renew their preconceived beliefs of police and discover their true role in society.

Ultimately, it is apparent that through Komninos Zervos’ and Kevin Rudd’s use of language and structure in their texts they create distinctive voices that compel the responder to reflect upon their preconceived values and beliefs which in turn provoke the renewal or alteration of initial perspectives. Your conclusion definitely needs more than one sentence. Normally, I would restate my Thesis, re-link to the module, re-introduce the texts, re-introduce the themes, then put in a sentence like this to finish. 3-5 sentences is where to aim! ;D

Great essay dtinaa! Have a read of my comments and let me know if you have any questions, I'll address your specific feedback requests below ;D

I can't really comment on the suitability of your ORT, it definitely seems like a good choice on the surface! It seems like you have a good amount of examples from it, though I do think your essay is a close to being too Prescribed Text focused; so you might want a few more :)

Your analysis is, on the whole, effective!! You do miss different things at different times, remember effective analysis involves a nice crumpet and a bit of TEA:

Technique: What technique does the composer use in the quote?
Explain: What is the composer trying to say? Why is the technique used? For you, how does the technique create a distinctive voice? Ensuring you keep the focus on distinctive voices would be beneficial for you.
Audience: What is the impact on the audience? This is in your question, so absolutely essential, and crucially, I need general audience impacts. The audience learning about the characters/text is okay, but that isn't super relevant beyond the text. You want universal relevance, how do the distinctive voices impact the audience in a real way beyond the text itself, what do they learn in general?

You hit all these marks at different times! Your job now is to hit them all at once. Sometimes you miss the audience impact (either completely or its too text specific), sometimes you slip into retell, sometimes you don't link to the question: You can do it all, but now you need to do it all the time ;)

Structuring essays in Module B is definitely the toughest of the three! Here is an idea for you: This essay is about the impacts on the audience (due to distinctive voices). If you could summarise the things you learned from your prescribed text, in 3 (different) sentences, what would they be? I'm not talking text related stuff, I mean actual lessons about things that are actually relevant in real life, like, "Challenging experiences can be overcome through determination," or something. I'll help you turn this into some paragraph ideas, because if the block response (each text one at a time) isn't quite clicking with you, we can turn it into an integrated response.

Quick final comment, ensure your essay matches your Thesis. You talk about voices for the voiceless, this doesn't resonant the whole way through ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 01:40:42 am

Quote from: katherine123 on July 25, 2016, 11:22:53 pm

Can you have a look through my intro? Is the context that ive included enough?

How does Wilfred Owen’s poetry portray interesting ideas about loss?
Intro: Wilfred Owen, who served on the battle of attrition on the Somme, states “pity of war” to convey the brutal destruction of soldiers’ mental spirits and their unnecessary deaths, bringing intense grief at the homefront which challenges the glorious facade of war created by bureaucratic government. It is through the unorthodox use of a variety of poetic forms such as Spenserian sonnet and pararhyme, and techniques such as personification and sarcasm in his poems, Owen portrays ideas about the loss of hope, religious faith and innocent lives. Owen’s poetry is distinct because it conveys his bitter criticism of the idealistic appeals to patriotism and elucidates the diagnosed shell-shock which describes the psychological turmoil of war.

I would say context is definitely there to the appropriate level! Context is not an important aspect of Standard English, unless the question demanded it specifically?

The main piece of feedback I would have is a more conceptual first sentence, it establishes a sophisticated tone of analysis for the rest of the essay! For example, a Thesis might be: "It is human nature to lie, cheat, and steal." This is a concept, an idea that will permeate through your essay and set up how you analyse your text. Based on your intro, I reckon yours will have something to do with the psychological turmoil of war.

An intro should have:

- Thesis
- Amplification (Extra Detail)
- Introduce Texts
- List Ideas for Paragraphs
- Summarise

:D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 02:10:55 am

Quote from: amandali on July 26, 2016, 12:03:24 am

Successful composers use distinctively visual elements to create a particular point of view. To what extent does this statement reflect your response to Wilfred Owen’s poetry?
For questions like this, do i just include words like clearly, effectively, successfully, in the body paragraph instead of repeating "to a great extent"

Exactly! ;D definitely don't want to just keep saying that over and over, clever use of adverbs is perfect ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 26, 2016, 02:32:55 am

Quote from: amandali on July 25, 2016, 11:41:19 pm

can you have a look through my essay thanks :)

Sure thing amandali, attached with comments in bold! ;D

Spoiler

Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world. Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

As Umberto Eco argues, a composer who makes use of distinctly visual language is one that relies on the image as “a stimulus for critical reflection”. Henry Lawson is a composer who effectively fulfils this criterion as his use of visual devices forms distinctive images that offer diverse perspectives which reshapes and enhances reader’s understanding of the world around them and subsequently induces critical reflection. A slightly different approach to a Thesis than I would normally take, but you know what, I like this. Works well. This is evident in Henry Lawson’s short stories, In a Dry’s Season and The Bush Undertaker, as it both projects a desolated view of the Australian bush into reader’s mind and challenges widely-held perceptions of life in the bush during late 1800s. Similarly, in Kenneth Slessor’s poem, “North Country”, visual devices are employed to enrich graphic imagery of demolition of nature to offer a perspective and provoke a horrified response at the humanity’s cruelty. I think you need another sentence here to address the question, compare how distinctive images are portrayed and link to perspectives. Also, why are distinctive images powerful?.

In In a Dry’s Season, Lawson illustrates his personal journey from Bathurst to Bourke to provide insight into the life of Australia bush people through the use of distinctive visual language. Try to make your first sentence conceptual, introduce the text in your amplification statement! The short story begins with an imperative tone, “Draw a wire fence and a few ragged gums and add some scattered sheep” which draws attention to the bleak visual imagery of the inhospitable and sparse environment in the outback. Lawson scathes the pitiful treatment of the bush men with the use of exclamatory language, “they talk of settling people on the land!”, emphasising the absurdity of encouraging them to settle on infertile land thus criticising the harsh life in the relentless Australian outback. Great analysis, but I'd like more reference to "distinctive images," what images are formed in the mind of the audience? In a Dry Season lacks femininity which represents outback as a very tough and masculine environment for women, but however, contrasts to The Drover’s Wife which has a loving mother figure whose masculinity is displayed through her protection of her children. The stifling and inhibiting nature of the bush is reflected through the appearance of the bushmen, “slop sac suits, red faces and old-fashioned flat-brimmed hats” where the accumulation of adjectives emphasise their outdated and peculiar matching of clothes. Thus, revealing the inadequacy of the inhabitants and further captures the outlook of uncivilised and desolated outback. Be careful with expression: This doesn't flow naturally from the last sentence. Lawson employs dark humour in “death is about the only cheerful thing in the bush” which conveys the abnormality that only death can break their lonely and monotonous life hence elucidating his sardonic perception of the tough life in the outback. Therefore, Lawson projects distinctive images of the harshness of the bush to provide his bleak perspective on life in the bush through the use of literal techniques. I don't think you've accentuated the distinctive images enough here: You need frequent reference to the distinctive image formed in the mind of the audience, and therefore, how our perspective on the Australian bush (for example) is altered.

In the poem, "North Country", Kenneth Slessor depicts the distinctive vivid image of the spoiled pristine natural environment in North of Sydney as a consequence of humanity’s greed. Again, try to go conceptual. Through the employment of distinctive visual devices, Slessor provides a perspective of humanity’s fading appreciation for intrinsic beauty of nature which results from its selfish obsession with industrial progress. Example? Slessor adopts free verse form in the poem marked by the elegance of his poetic expression to present his appreciation of a dwindling nature. The poem begins with a playful visual image of personified "gesturing woods", which elucidates the vitality of the trees which offers rejuvenation. Retell. Then, Slessor introduces a starkly contrasting imagery of harsh imposition of man-made structures in “But verticals and perpendiculars” with the use of fatalistic tone to criticise the fact that human greed is causing the extinction of nature. How does that imagery help create a distinctive image (you must be explicit). In the end of 2nd stanza, Slessor uses semi-colon to mark the passage of time which conveys the majestic sight of trees that "nobody cares" for are the only remains of the persona's memories thus emphasising the sense of neglect of nature. This section has shifted heavily into retell: This, then this, then this: Avoid this! The dead trees appear to be "like broken teeth with smoky antlers broken in the sky" and this highlights that they are slaughtered like stags in large mass and the repetition of "broken" intensifies the severe damage caused by human violence, thus conveying Slessor's criticism towards human's single mindedness. Good! This is furthered through the personification in "trunks that lie grotesquely rigid" which depicts the agony and rigidity of death of these trees with twisted trunks thus emphasising the level of human cruelty. In final line, Slessor portrays trees as a victim of mankind through the graphic imagery evoked by personification of them "dripping red with blood" in which the lurid appearance of blood intensify the violent murder of trees for the sake of human's relentless construction. Therefore, distinctive visual is conveyed through the visual impact of Slessor’s use of graphic imagery depicting the brutal destruction of nature which reveals his perspective and stance against the transience of natural world due to human’s foolishness. Better audience links to perspective in this paragraph, but I'm still missing a specific recognition of a distinctive visual image, try to link to how the technique helps the audience form an image in their mind.

The Bush Undertaker, presents a visual vignette of a bush man’s life, showing his familiarity with the harsh bush life through the use of distinctive visual language. A little too much like a recount here, you can go more sophisticated! The protagonist is characterised as “hatter”, “shepherd”, “bush undertaker” and “old man” which reveals his multiple personalities resulted by the mind-numbing loneliness of isolation and grinding monotony of the bush. Techniques here? This is reinforced as he admits with dark humour “I ain’t a-spendin’ sech a dull Christmas arter all” which emphasises his eccentricity as he spends a traditionally wholesome occasion with a bizarre grotesque ritual. What distinctive image(s) are these techniques enabling the audience form? The bleak visual imagery of parched landscape emphasised by the alliterative phrase “ bank of a barren creek”, mirrors “the narrow almost waterless creek” in The Drover’s Wife and highlights the stoicism and resilience of the old man within the isolated and relentless bush. The embedded sibilance in “awful scrutiny that gleamed on him from those empty sockets” quickens the pace and emphasises the horrific visual shock when the old man faces the mummified corpse which turns out to be his old friend, Brummy, thus conveying the ghastliness of lonely death in the bush. But what does it convey generally, like beyond this specific context? This is furthered through the dark humour “nothing much mattered in the bush” to highlight the central truth that there is no distinction between living and dead in the outback, thus encompasses the struggle of living in the desolated bush. Hence, Lawson powerfully constructs a distinctive visual image of hardships in the outback to offer readers his view of the desolated bush.

Conclusively, through Lawson’s short stories In a Dry Season and The Bush Undertaker and Slessor’s poem “North Country”, distinctive visual images are portrayed through the effective use of visual device, thereby offering diverse perspectives of the world which reshape and enhance reader’s understanding. More depth needed in this conclusion. Try this method: Restate Thesis -Link to Module- How do Texts represent this Thesis? - What have you talked about? - What is your final summary? That's 4 or 5 sentences there, easily enough depth!

Some really fantastic ideas in here amandali, super powerful stuff, and you have excellent text knowledge and some good analysis! I'd have two main big pieces of feedback:

1 - You aren't focusing on distinctive images throughout your response! It pops up in the introduction and conclusions often, but then is neglected throughout the analysis itself. Try to incorporate it; how do the techniques create distinctive visual images for the responder? Then, to link to the question correctly, how does this alter our perspective? It is this two step process that I think you are missing which means you aren't hammering home the question or the module :) try doing things like:

The composer utilises TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," which accentuates the distinctive imagery of ___________, thus alerting the audience to ___________. Rinse, repeat ;)

2 - Over-reliance on retell. Remember, the text is just a tool to convey meaning, what happens within a text or to its characters is complete inconsequential. With this in mind, you are analysing the text from a very text-focused perspective, using plot elements or recounts to prove points. EG: The poem begins with a playful visual image of personified "gesturing woods", which elucidates the vitality of the trees which offers rejuvenation. This is really just recount with a technique, and then you link to a concept. You can do better!

Your sentences should be COMPOSER does this, COMPOSER uses that, always the composer. This will drastically reduce the chance of accidental retell, because you aren't talking about the characters, you are talking about their puppet master, as it were ;D

I hope this feedback helps! Let me know if you had any questions about it ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 27, 2016, 12:29:25 am

Attention! The essay marking requirements have been updated, in effect for every essay posted below this mark ;D The post exchange rate has now been increased to 15, that is, every piece of feedback is now worth 15 posts. 3 essays marked needs 45 ATAR Notes posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. The full essay rules are available at this link! Thanks everyone! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: katherine123 on July 28, 2016, 08:50:58 am

Can you mark a part of the paragraph from my essay on Billy Elliot film and Big world by Tim Winton ? thanks

Big World conveys the change in individuals’ understanding of themselves and the world around them as their pre-existing attitudes and beliefs are challenged during the process of transition. In the Big World, the narrator strongly values his friendship with Biggie although it stifles his own maturation. The inclusive language of “we”, “our” and “Biggie and me” demonstrates the narrator’s sense of a shared identity with Biggie which enabled him to gain sense of belonging and security. The active verbs in “we’re laughing and pointing and shoving…” reinforces that despite their close bond, both friends are trapped in a regressive state of playful immaturity. As the narrator desires something beyond his small town existence, his friendship with Biggie begins to disintegrate. This is foreshadowed in the narrator’s fatalistic tone, “In his head
he’s always seen himself at the meatworks or the cannery…He’s content, he belongs”. The narrator’s escalating sense of difference is demonstrated through the accumulated visual imagery of the exotic places he desires to visit, “Skeleton Coast…Piazza San Marco…Manila”. Like Billy who struggles with the monotony of a small mining town, the narrator feels overwhelmed by the emptiness of a sparsely populated rural Australia. This is emphasised through the use of repetition in “We’ve reached a world…..where nobody knows us and nobody cares”. Therefore, the narrator’s “dreams of big world” ultimately leads him away from Biggie to find a life filled with possibilities and independence where the metaphor of “burning kite” marks the end of his childhood. Thus, process of transition can challenge individuals’ beliefs and attitudes which results the change in their understanding of themselves and the world around them.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 30, 2016, 10:14:27 pm

Quote from: katherine123 on July 28, 2016, 08:50:58 am

Can you mark a part of the paragraph from my essay on Billy Elliot film and Big world by Tim Winton ? thanks

Absolutely I can! ;D

Big World conveys the change in individuals’ understanding of themselves and the world around them as their pre-existing attitudes and beliefs are challenged during the process of transition. Try to make your paragraph topic sentence conceptual, introduce the text in a second amplification sentence! This puts the focus on the concept and gets you out of the realm of textual retell. In the Big World, the narrator strongly values his friendship with Biggie although it stifles his own maturation. Retell, this is unnecessary.. The inclusive language of “we”, “our” and “Biggie and me” demonstrates the narrator’s sense of a shared identity with Biggie which enabled him to gain sense of belonging and security. What does this show the audience about how beliefs are challenged? The active verbs in “we’re laughing and pointing and shoving…” reinforces that despite their close bond, both friends are trapped in a regressive state of playful immaturity. Good, thus showing the audience _______? As the narrator desires something beyond his small town existence, his friendship with Biggie begins to disintegrate. Retell. This is foreshadowed in the narrator’s fatalistic tone, “In his head he’s always seen himself at the meatworks or the cannery…He’s content, he belongs”. The narrator’s escalating sense of difference is demonstrated through the accumulated visual imagery of the exotic places he desires to visit, “Skeleton Coast…Piazza San Marco…Manila”. Like Billy who struggles with the monotony of a small mining town, the narrator feels overwhelmed by the emptiness of a sparsely populated rural Australia. Retell. This is emphasised through the use of repetition in “We’ve reached a world…..where nobody knows us and nobody cares”. Therefore, the narrator’s “dreams of big world” ultimately leads him away from Biggie to find a life filled with possibilities and independence where the metaphor of “burning kite” marks the end of his childhood. Retell. Thus, process of transition can challenge individuals’ beliefs and attitudes which results the change in their understanding of themselves and the world around them. Great conclusion, but I don't feel like you've backed this concept up in your paragraph. Be careful that you stay on track!

This is a good paragraph Katherine! I'd have two recommendations: First of all, you need to eliminate retell! There are sentences in here that just tell me something about what happened in the text. You don't need this, remember, your marker has read your text! You need to focus on techniques used by the composer and how they portray your concept to the audience. My second recommendation is ensuring that your concept is sustained through the paragraph. I'm not getting the proper links to the idea of 'transitions challenging individual beliefs,' that you established in the first sentence. Your first sentence is like a contract: Be sure to talk about what you say you will talk about by linking to the idea explicitly and frequently! Great work Katherine ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: olivercutbill on August 17, 2016, 07:29:53 pm

Hey!

This essay is for Mod C, elective: Exploring Transitions.
Texts: The Story of Tom Brennan and Big World

Thank you so much guys :)

Significant transitions in one’s life are marked by growth and insight.
Discuss this statement making reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE related text of your own choosing.

Transitions into new phases of life provide environments where distinct events push individuals towards reconsideration of themselves and others, which develops into growth of the individual and insight into certain truths of life. Furthermore, some transitions, especially the physical, reveal characteristics of contexts that cause significant emotional reactions to the environment as a whole. Such is explored in J.C. Burke’s novel The Story of Tom Brennan and Tim Winton’s short story Big World, one of seventeen short stories in his unique Australian novel The Turning. Both Australian authors examine the physical transition in the distinct Australian context, but each infers different outcomes for their protagonists; differences which shape key relationships and outcomes in the texts.

The process of transitioning to new environments allow the individual to encounter new, previously unattainable experiences, permitting them to grow and realise new things about the world. Due to the crisis caused by Daniel’s crash, Burke, in The Story of Tom Brennan, depicts how crisis can cause individuals to reconsider and grow. Through his new context at Coghill, Tom is able to realise new insights about rugby which had hitherto defined how he sees himself. “Something was dawning on me, something I thought I’d never feel”, utilises the imagery of dawning and hence implies the enlightenment Tom feels when he is able to experience rugby without winning. Burke too references the initial transition of the family at dawn and thus symbolises his growth into new perspectives as a result of his contextual transition.

Burke also emphasises how transitions can alter perceptions of relationships. Kylie, who originally acts outwards in response to the transition, is able to reconcile Tom to his new physical context. Burke's cliche, “I’d be a liar if I said an enormous weight hadn’t been lifted off my shoulders” accentuates Tom’s realisation that transition is an innate feature of the human condition. This insight subsequently allows him to open to others who, in turn, aid in his transformation. Moreover, Tom’s transition has implications for his family relationships which are only possible due to his emotional growth. Repetition of the personal pronoun ‘I’ and the use of the first person voice in “a couple months ago, I’m sure it wound have sent me on a downward spiral. Now, It didn’t. I felt bad for him…I knew how much it could hurt” metaphorically encapsulates the shift in Tom to new worlds; he is able to understand and empathise which Brendan rather than returning to the motif of “blackness” and personified guilt. Furthermore, through the change in physical context, the bildungsroman protagonist in Tom is able to develop new insights into the defining aspects of his life.

Fundamentally, the nameless protagonist in Big World is similar to Tom, where the move to a new physical location reveals insights into the human condition. Although moving “north” to “blue skies” connotes freedom, the persona reflects subsequently through internal monologue that pure contextual freedom, although allowing for transcendent experiences, is ultimately overwhelming. Winton uses the title “Big World” ironically to foreshadow the experience of the protagonist in a world so large that is “around their ears”. The horizon imagery permeates throughout, but its meaning as a symbol changes, initially representing opportunity, but eventually revealing the insignificance of the protagonist such that he “just gives in” and watches. Metaphorically, this symbol also reflects the process of transition: from ignorance and naivety to insight into the human experience. The experience of travelling to other physical contexts gives the nameless protagonist the ability to grow emotionally, reflecting “It’s me all over. Its how I am with him and it’s not pretty”, after seeing Biggie and Med. Winton’s use of analogue cements the emotional transition, allowing the persona to see his relationship with biggie in perspective; a feature of the physical transition. Additionally, the form of the short story highlights the brevity of life and structurally reflects the realisation that occurs due to the transformative experience of moving away.

Although both texts examine the effect of a transformative experience as it occurs due to a physical transition, both authors infer different outcomes for their protagonists as a result of comparative transitions. The first-person narration in both texts provide subjective perceptions of the individual’s transitions. However, Burke illustrates through Tom that new material contexts provide an opportunity for transformative experiences and growth. The various flashbacks and largely non-linear structure of the prose aids this subjective reality and systemically reflects Tom’s condition of having to continually look to the past and the future. Burke’s utilisation of free indirect discourse: “When I as with Chrissy, I was me again” merges Tom and the Author’s voice to comment on how Coghill has had a net positive effect on Tom. This is in contrast to Winton’s conclusion for his protagonist, who must submit back to his original context in light of the transformative experience. The vehicle of the physical transition “smoulders and hisses for a while as the sun sinks” metaphorically encapsulates the nature of the protagonists transition and acts as a symbol for attempts to escape from a ‘big world’. Thus, the protagonist “going back on the bus south for a second chance” refers to Winton commenting on the insignificance of the human condition, explored through the physical transition.

Transitions into new phases of life present opportunities for growth and insight of individuals. Whilst a similar transition may occur to different people, the result will be determined by the nature of relationships. Such is explored in The Story of Tom Brennan and Big World. Given contextual changes and relationships, Burke and Winton illustrate that there are differing results for various individuals.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 18, 2016, 09:48:15 am

Quote from: olivercutbill on August 17, 2016, 07:29:53 pm

Hey!

This essay is for Mod C, elective: Exploring Transitions.
Texts: The Story of Tom Brennan and Big World

Thank you so much guys :)

Hey Oliver! Absolutely no worries, essay is attached with comments in the spoiler below ;D

Spoiler

Significant transitions in one’s life are marked by growth and insight.
Discuss this statement making reference to your prescribed text and at least ONE related text of your own choosing.

Transitions into new phases of life provide environments where distinct events push individuals towards reconsideration of themselves and others, which develops into growth of the individual and insight into certain truths of life. Nice conceptual Thesis. Furthermore, some transitions, especially the physical, reveal characteristics of contexts that cause significant emotional reactions to the environment as a whole. Such is explored in J.C. Burke’s novel The Story of Tom Brennan and Tim Winton’s short story Big World, one of seventeen short stories in his unique Australian novel The Turning. Both Australian authors examine the physical transition in the distinct Australian context, but each infers different outcomes for their protagonists; differences which shape key relationships and outcomes in the texts. Be careful to make links to the audience and what we learn about transitions, not just how it affects what happens in the text. Great introduction, not much to say about it at all, you may want to list what your paragraph topics will be in some way to establish a better sense of structure, but the ideas are solid, great stuff :)

The process of transitioning to new environments allow the individual to encounter new, previously unattainable experiences, permitting them to grow and realise new things about the world. I reckon you could tidy up the expression, but good conceptual start. Due to the crisis caused by Daniel’s crash, Burke, in The Story of Tom Brennan, depicts how crisis can cause individuals to reconsider and grow. Through his new context at Coghill, Tom is able to realise new insights about rugby which had hitherto defined how he sees himself. “Something was dawning on me, something I thought I’d never feel”, utilises the imagery of dawning and hence implies the enlightenment Tom feels when he is able to experience rugby without winning. Slightly too much retell in that sentence, don't slip into recounting the text, I only need the technique and how it shows a transition. Burke too references the initial transition of the family at dawn and thus symbolises his growth into new perspectives as a result of his contextual transition. How is this symbolism achieved? (quote needed)

Burke also emphasises how transitions can alter perceptions of relationships. This transition is a little awkward; you need to establish the new concept properly just like you did in the first paragraph. Kylie, who originally acts outwards in response to the transition, is able to reconcile Tom to his new physical context. Burke's cliche, “I’d be a liar if I said an enormous weight hadn’t been lifted off my shoulders” accentuates Tom’s realisation that transition is an innate feature of the human condition. Better, though you don't need to say that it is Tom's realisation, it's a realisation of the audience as well! This insight subsequently allows him to open to others who, in turn, aid in his transformation. Retell. Moreover, Tom’s transition has implications for his family relationships which are only possible due to his emotional growth. Retell. Repetition of the personal pronoun ‘I’ and the use of the first person voice in “a couple months ago, I’m sure it wound have sent me on a downward spiral. Now, It didn’t. I felt bad for him…I knew how much it could hurt” metaphorically encapsulates the shift in Tom to new worlds; he is able to understand and empathise which Brendan rather than returning to the motif of “blackness” and personified guilt. That quote was far too long to just be talking about personal pronouns: Trim that right back to the bare essential. Furthermore, through the change in physical context, the bildungsroman protagonist in Tom is able to develop new insights into the defining aspects of his life. You are approaching this in a very text focused way for a very conceptual essay question. Try not to rely on the characters and plot too much; instead try and explore purely how technique shapes meaning. For example, you CAN write this essay without any mention of a character name, should you choose. That's how little the characters matter here.

Fundamentally, the nameless protagonist in Big World is similar to Tom, where the move to a new physical location reveals insights into the human condition. I like the inter-textual comparison, but I'd like the conceptual element of the "insights into the human condition" to be explored more. Although moving “north” to “blue skies” connotes freedom, the persona reflects subsequently through internal monologue that pure contextual freedom, although allowing for transcendent experiences, is ultimately overwhelming. Good concept, try to link it to the audience though! Winton uses the title “Big World” ironically to foreshadow the experience of the protagonist in a world so large that is “around their ears”. Fabulous. The horizon imagery permeates throughout, but its meaning as a symbol changes, initially representing opportunity, but eventually revealing the insignificance of the protagonist such that he “just gives in” and watches. ... Thus revealing to the audience ____________. Metaphorically, this symbol also reflects the process of transition: from ignorance and naivety to insight into the human experience. Good. The experience of travelling to other physical contexts gives the nameless protagonist the ability to grow emotionally, reflecting “It’s me all over. Its how I am with him and it’s not pretty”, after seeing Biggie and Med. Retell. Winton’s use of analogue cements the emotional transition, allowing the persona to see his relationship with biggie in perspective; a feature of the physical transition. Additionally, the form of the short story highlights the brevity of life and structurally reflects the realisation that occurs due to the transformative experience of moving away. This paragraph is more effective, because you step AWAY from the text for a bit and just say, "Yo, Burke does this and this is the effect." THAT is what I need more of.

Although both texts examine the effect of a transformative experience as it occurs due to a physical transition, both authors infer different outcomes for their protagonists as a result of comparative transitions. Again, good inter-textual comparison here. The first-person narration in both texts provide subjective perceptions of the individual’s transitions. Good. However, Burke illustrates through Tom that new material contexts provide an opportunity for transformative experiences and growth. The various flashbacks and largely non-linear structure of the prose aids this subjective reality and systemically reflects Tom’s condition of having to continually look to the past and the future. Burke’s utilisation of free indirect discourse: “When I as with Chrissy, I was me again” merges Tom and the Author’s voice to comment on how Coghill has had a net positive effect on Tom. Be more specific than "positive effect" for these sorts of comments. This is in contrast to Winton’s conclusion for his protagonist, who must submit back to his original context in light of the transformative experience. Retell. The vehicle of the physical transition “smoulders and hisses for a while as the sun sinks” metaphorically encapsulates the nature of the protagonists transition and acts as a symbol for attempts to escape from a ‘big world’. Awesome. Thus, the protagonist “going back on the bus south for a second chance” refers to Winton commenting on the insignificance of the human condition, explored through the physical transition. Again, a more effective paragraph because you are stepping away from your textual approach. Still some polish required, but the second half of your essay is closer to the mark than your first half.

Transitions into new phases of life present opportunities for growth and insight of individuals. Whilst a similar transition may occur to different people, the result will be determined by the nature of relationships. Such is explored in The Story of Tom Brennan and Big World. Given contextual changes and relationships, Burke and Winton illustrate that there are differing results for various individuals.You'll likely want a little more depth than this for your conclusion, but that's not a huge concern. This is a simple bare bones conclusion that works.

The ideas in this essay are really fantastic, very clever exploration of the nature of transitions, and I love the conceptual nature of your Thesis. Very much away from the text, letting the concept dominate and the text is evidence. That's fantastic.

What I'm looking for is for you to take that philosophy through your essay. Your analysis is quite text focused, and indeed, I knew it would be based on this phrase in your Thesis:

differences which shape key relationships and outcomes in the texts.

I read that and I say, "Uh oh, they are going to tell me what happens in the text and relate it to a concept."

You do that, and you do it really really well. Your conceptual basis is fantastic. I'm just looking for more focus on how the concept is conveyed to us, rather than just how it is evident in the events of the text. Techniques are great, but WHY are they used, what is the effect on us as a responder? I also think you could do a tiny bit more to accentuate the "social contexts" aspect of this Module as well. Both of those comments are summarised in this sentence from the syllabus:

Students explore the role of textual features in the shaping of meaning in specific contexts.

I am looking for:
- Techniques SHAPING MEANING for the responder. Step away from the text, don't tell me what Tom learns about transitions (etc etc), tell me what we learn about transitions and how the composer teaches us those things, through techniques. The composer uses TECHNIQUE, "QUOTE," which reveals ____________ to the audience. Those are the sorts of sentences I want to see.[/i]
- More contextual reference. Now, you use context within the texts themselves, but how do the texts relate to the context of the composer? What social issues is the composer responding to? Every text is composed for a purpose, and that purpose is almost always linked to the context of the composer. How is that context evident in the text?

This is a really cool essay with great conceptual ideas and an excellent structure. Don't let my comments fool you, it's definitely effective, but I think you could push it further :) :) :) great work!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: wasi123 on August 31, 2016, 09:28:41 pm

Hey Brendon, could i please get feedback on my module a essay on Distinctively Visual. I want to know if my arguments are clear enough and make it stronger.

Thankyou :) :) :)
appreciated,
Wasi

Spoiler

Visions of war encapsulating bravery, suffering and endurance of the human spirit are evident throughout history and marked through commemoration. However the wartime experience of women, civilians and many migrants have never been acknowledged creating significant gaps and silences in our perception of the past. John Misto in his drama The Shoe-Horn Sonata pays tribute to women POWs through distinctively visual techniques that incorporate music, images and dialogue, compelling the audience to recognise the injustice of their plight and to continue the pursuit for reconciliation. Similarly Peter Skrzynecki in his poem Immigrants at Central Station presents images of displaced refugees who have also suffered atrocities of war, and yet, must continue to face marginalisation in post WWII Australia. Both composers utilise memory as a powerful mode for visualising and engaging with the past.

Misto presents the untold story of two women, Bridie and Sheila whom are brought together for a television interview fifty years after their release from a Japanese Prisoner of War Camp. The juxtaposition of their public experiences with their private relationship provides a powerful impetus for revelation and self-evaluation. Bridie’s initial reminiscence of war becomes a lived experience where projected images onto the stage of emaciated women coupled with sound effects foregrounds her demonstration of the kowtow. Dramatic gesture, animated dialogue and the Japanese words ‘Keirei’ and ‘Naore’ establish the vision of the harshness of camp life whilst reinforcing Bridie’s assertive personality. Her precision in recalling wartime detail is straightforward and factual, and framed by irony when she describes the British as ‘considerate’ for offering to shoot the nurses rather than allowing them to become POWs. The younger Sheila, more demure and formal in character is introduced in the Motel Room. Still carrying gloves, her costuming provides a glimpse into her British mannerisms further contrasting her refinement with Bridie’s larrikinism. Despite the underlying tension of their private relationship when Bridie accuses Sheila of ‘lying low in Perth’, they are clearly united through their common experience of war. Their utterance of the Japanese ‘Ya-ta’!! as they lift the suitcase onto the bed exemplifies the vision of unity in the face of adversity.

Similarly, the poem Immigrants at Central Station presents a public vision of Eastern European refugees alienated from the urban Australian landscape yet united through their common experience of war, exile and hardship. Like Bridie and Sheila they too are the forgotten victims of war, left to get on with life in their new country. The opening short sentences establish an atmosphere of sadness and apprehensions as the negative connotations of ‘dampness’, ‘crowded’ and ‘sank’ denote feelings of loss. As the ‘Immigrants’ wait in silence, the onomatopoeia of ‘the train’s whistle’ is a stark reminder of their transition into a new world and loss of the old. A melancholic tone is used to frame feelings of depression coupled with the pathetic fallacy of ‘crowded air’ and ‘dampness that slowly sank into our thoughts’ to capture vividly the common experiences of dislocation that is being felt. The alliterative use of ‘slowly sank’ highlights a loss of hope further denoting pessimism about an uncertain future in a country where indifference is experienced. Skrzynecki’s use of personification ‘time hemmed us in’ reflects the confinement of the immigrants as the extended metaphor of time is symbolic of stasis in their lives, moments of transience, but with little meaning. This loss of identity, both cultural and personal is further expressed through the figurative language where the powerful simile ‘like cattle bought for slaughter’ profoundly expresses their fear and pessimism through the distinctively visual allusion to the horror of Nazi war camps. Like Sheila’s description of the sea trip to Belalau ‘We went there by boat – by a cattle boat’, the onomatopoeic image of their ‘wobbly’ legs, caused by beri beri effectively depicts the loss of humanity and animal like state inherent in the word ‘cattle’. This psychological distress that remains embedded in memory allows the responder to empathise with both the endurance of the immigrants as well as the resilience of the women.

Reliving the experiences of war through memory and reminiscences can have a liberating effect on individuals and their subsequent relationships. Both Bridie and Sheila were exposed to war-time atrocities where indifference to their plight is reflected through the war-time Prime Minister Curtain’s anecdotal message to female POWs to just ‘keep smiling’, reinforced through the non-diagetic accompaniment of Judy Garland’s song ‘When You’re Smiling’. Bridie’s beating from Lipstick Larry is presented through a voice-over re-enactment in which a ‘savage yell…ugly thumps’ and Sheila’s exclamations ‘Bridie! Bridie!’ conveys the brutality, yet also the shared suffering that unites the women. It is ironic that Bridie describes this as ‘the best moment of the war’, worthy retribution for the pin sown into Lipstick Larry’s loincloth. Music and its ability to humanise becomes paramount to the women’s survival when the non-diagetic sounds of Christmas Carols foreground Bridie’s revelation of ‘deep male voices – not the shrieks of Japanese’, as a cathartic moment in her life. Visions of ‘hairy legs’, ‘skinny’, starving men in ‘slouch hats’ is analogous with the Aussie Digger providing an exhilarating and morale boosting moment for the women where Bridie later reveals she married the soldier who winked at her. The symbolic ‘piece of caramel’ that had been used so sparingly shared becomes an indulgence to mark this moment of sheer pleasure. The audience, like the women are momentarily freed from the horrors of camp life as we share this vision of joy. The symbolic shoe-horn becomes associated with music allowing the women to transcend physical and mental degradation through the formation of a choir. The repetition of ‘we forgot’ and ‘rose above’ conveys the spiritual sustenance that is contrasted against their emaciated physical states. Their final liberation from war becomes apparent in the studio when the symbolic dance of triumph and celebration becomes a visualisation of not only their survival but also friendship.

Furthermore the obedience and discipline of the immigrants in Skrzynecki’s poem becomes the representative of the effects and memories of war on individuals. Evident in their ‘packed cases/keeping children by their side’ is juxtaposed with incongruous imagery of ‘watching pigeons/watched them’ to highlight the peculiarity of not only the birds, but the immigrants themselves. Used as an allegory, the pigeons too are an introduced species, providing a powerful image of societal judgement upon those who are still reliving the trauma of war. It is ironic that ‘benevolence’ is only offered by the ‘empty streets’ where again the pathetic fallacy exemplifies the less than charitable nature of humankind who would only enhance the confusion and misery of the immigrants with their stares. The sudden arrival of the train through the repetition of ‘But it was sad to hear’, signifies a return to reality after the monotonous wait. The simile ‘like a word of command’ duplicates the militaristic submission of the immigrants past to the present, further highlighting their loss of autonomy and personal identity as psychological effect of war. This recognition of suffering from another time and place is further evoked in the vivid imagery ‘the signal at the platform’s edge/turned red and dropped’ with the symbolic use of ‘red’ connoting blood and barbarism as the horror of war will always be embedded in memory. Skrzynecki’s use of the powerful simile ‘dropped like a guillotine’ elicits a cathartic moment for the immigrants, as their past is effectively severed, representative of their cultural, social and historical bonds. Similar to the shining durability of the shoe-horn in Misto’s play, the final image offers hope through the verb ‘glistening’ used to describe the ‘tracks of steel’ that further suggests reconciliation can be achieved with acceptance from this new land.

Both texts visually embellish the experiences of war on those displaced individuals who were previously exempt from the grand narratives of history. Composer like Misto and Skrzynecki have elicited a powerful response through distinctively visual techniques culminating in recognition and acceptance for all victims of war. Through the elevation of the human spirit in literal, visual and musical form our perception of others and the world is greatly enhanced.

Moderator Edit: Added spoiler :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: conic curve on August 31, 2016, 09:51:01 pm

Quote from: wasi123 on August 31, 2016, 09:28:41 pm

Hey Brendon, could i please get feedback on my module a essay on Distinctively Visual. I want to know if my arguments are clear enough and make it stronger.

Thankyou :) :) :)
appreciated,
Wasi

You'll need 14 more posts in order to get your essay marked

For the time being, start a conversation in the discussion thread: Re: HSC Class of 2016 Discussion Thread ;D

Or come and help people in the Q and A thread :D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on August 31, 2016, 09:51:35 pm

Quote from: wasi123 on August 31, 2016, 09:28:41 pm

Hey Brendon, could i please get feedback on my module a essay on Distinctively Visual. I want to know if my arguments are clear enough and make it stronger.

Thankyou :) :) :)
appreciated,
Wasi

Spoiler
Visions of war encapsulating bravery, suffering and endurance of the human spirit are evident throughout history and marked through commemoration. However the wartime experience of women, civilians and many migrants have never been acknowledged creating significant gaps and silences in our perception of the past. John Misto in his drama The Shoe-Horn Sonata pays tribute to women POWs through distinctively visual techniques that incorporate music, images and dialogue, compelling the audience to recognise the injustice of their plight and to continue the pursuit for reconciliation. Similarly Peter Skrzynecki in his poem Immigrants at Central Station presents images of displaced refugees who have also suffered atrocities of war, and yet, must continue to face marginalisation in post WWII Australia. Both composers utilise memory as a powerful mode for visualising and engaging with the past.

Misto presents the untold story of two women, Bridie and Sheila whom are brought together for a television interview fifty years after their release from a Japanese Prisoner of War Camp. The juxtaposition of their public experiences with their private relationship provides a powerful impetus for revelation and self-evaluation. Bridie’s initial reminiscence of war becomes a lived experience where projected images onto the stage of emaciated women coupled with sound effects foregrounds her demonstration of the kowtow. Dramatic gesture, animated dialogue and the Japanese words ‘Keirei’ and ‘Naore’ establish the vision of the harshness of camp life whilst reinforcing Bridie’s assertive personality. Her precision in recalling wartime detail is straightforward and factual, and framed by irony when she describes the British as ‘considerate’ for offering to shoot the nurses rather than allowing them to become POWs. The younger Sheila, more demure and formal in character is introduced in the Motel Room. Still carrying gloves, her costuming provides a glimpse into her British mannerisms further contrasting her refinement with Bridie’s larrikinism. Despite the underlying tension of their private relationship when Bridie accuses Sheila of ‘lying low in Perth’, they are clearly united through their common experience of war. Their utterance of the Japanese ‘Ya-ta’!! as they lift the suitcase onto the bed exemplifies the vision of unity in the face of adversity.

Similarly, the poem Immigrants at Central Station presents a public vision of Eastern European refugees alienated from the urban Australian landscape yet united through their common experience of war, exile and hardship. Like Bridie and Sheila they too are the forgotten victims of war, left to get on with life in their new country. The opening short sentences establish an atmosphere of sadness and apprehensions as the negative connotations of ‘dampness’, ‘crowded’ and ‘sank’ denote feelings of loss. As the ‘Immigrants’ wait in silence, the onomatopoeia of ‘the train’s whistle’ is a stark reminder of their transition into a new world and loss of the old. A melancholic tone is used to frame feelings of depression coupled with the pathetic fallacy of ‘crowded air’ and ‘dampness that slowly sank into our thoughts’ to capture vividly the common experiences of dislocation that is being felt. The alliterative use of ‘slowly sank’ highlights a loss of hope further denoting pessimism about an uncertain future in a country where indifference is experienced. Skrzynecki’s use of personification ‘time hemmed us in’ reflects the confinement of the immigrants as the extended metaphor of time is symbolic of stasis in their lives, moments of transience, but with little meaning. This loss of identity, both cultural and personal is further expressed through the figurative language where the powerful simile ‘like cattle bought for slaughter’ profoundly expresses their fear and pessimism through the distinctively visual allusion to the horror of Nazi war camps. Like Sheila’s description of the sea trip to Belalau ‘We went there by boat – by a cattle boat’, the onomatopoeic image of their ‘wobbly’ legs, caused by beri beri effectively depicts the loss of humanity and animal like state inherent in the word ‘cattle’. This psychological distress that remains embedded in memory allows the responder to empathise with both the endurance of the immigrants as well as the resilience of the women.

Reliving the experiences of war through memory and reminiscences can have a liberating effect on individuals and their subsequent relationships. Both Bridie and Sheila were exposed to war-time atrocities where indifference to their plight is reflected through the war-time Prime Minister Curtain’s anecdotal message to female POWs to just ‘keep smiling’, reinforced through the non-diagetic accompaniment of Judy Garland’s song ‘When You’re Smiling’. Bridie’s beating from Lipstick Larry is presented through a voice-over re-enactment in which a ‘savage yell…ugly thumps’ and Sheila’s exclamations ‘Bridie! Bridie!’ conveys the brutality, yet also the shared suffering that unites the women. It is ironic that Bridie describes this as ‘the best moment of the war’, worthy retribution for the pin sown into Lipstick Larry’s loincloth. Music and its ability to humanise becomes paramount to the women’s survival when the non-diagetic sounds of Christmas Carols foreground Bridie’s revelation of ‘deep male voices – not the shrieks of Japanese’, as a cathartic moment in her life. Visions of ‘hairy legs’, ‘skinny’, starving men in ‘slouch hats’ is analogous with the Aussie Digger providing an exhilarating and morale boosting moment for the women where Bridie later reveals she married the soldier who winked at her. The symbolic ‘piece of caramel’ that had been used so sparingly shared becomes an indulgence to mark this moment of sheer pleasure. The audience, like the women are momentarily freed from the horrors of camp life as we share this vision of joy. The symbolic shoe-horn becomes associated with music allowing the women to transcend physical and mental degradation through the formation of a choir. The repetition of ‘we forgot’ and ‘rose above’ conveys the spiritual sustenance that is contrasted against their emaciated physical states. Their final liberation from war becomes apparent in the studio when the symbolic dance of triumph and celebration becomes a visualisation of not only their survival but also friendship.

Furthermore the obedience and discipline of the immigrants in Skrzynecki’s poem becomes the representative of the effects and memories of war on individuals. Evident in their ‘packed cases/keeping children by their side’ is juxtaposed with incongruous imagery of ‘watching pigeons/watched them’ to highlight the peculiarity of not only the birds, but the immigrants themselves. Used as an allegory, the pigeons too are an introduced species, providing a powerful image of societal judgement upon those who are still reliving the trauma of war. It is ironic that ‘benevolence’ is only offered by the ‘empty streets’ where again the pathetic fallacy exemplifies the less than charitable nature of humankind who would only enhance the confusion and misery of the immigrants with their stares. The sudden arrival of the train through the repetition of ‘But it was sad to hear’, signifies a return to reality after the monotonous wait. The simile ‘like a word of command’ duplicates the militaristic submission of the immigrants past to the present, further highlighting their loss of autonomy and personal identity as psychological effect of war. This recognition of suffering from another time and place is further evoked in the vivid imagery ‘the signal at the platform’s edge/turned red and dropped’ with the symbolic use of ‘red’ connoting blood and barbarism as the horror of war will always be embedded in memory. Skrzynecki’s use of the powerful simile ‘dropped like a guillotine’ elicits a cathartic moment for the immigrants, as their past is effectively severed, representative of their cultural, social and historical bonds. Similar to the shining durability of the shoe-horn in Misto’s play, the final image offers hope through the verb ‘glistening’ used to describe the ‘tracks of steel’ that further suggests reconciliation can be achieved with acceptance from this new land.

Both texts visually embellish the experiences of war on those displaced individuals who were previously exempt from the grand narratives of history. Composer like Misto and Skrzynecki have elicited a powerful response through distinctively visual techniques culminating in recognition and acceptance for all victims of war. Through the elevation of the human spirit in literal, visual and musical form our perception of others and the world is greatly enhanced.

Moderator Edit: Added spoiler :)

Hey Wasi! Welcome to the forums! ;D

I'd definitely love to give you feedback on your essay, however we have a post exchange policy in place for marking, just to ensure the service remains viable for the markers :) You need 15 posts for every essay marked. So if you want 1 essay, you need 15 ATAR Notes posts, if you want 10 essays marked, you need 150, etc ;D So hang around the forums and let us know when you've reach that 15 post mark :) you can come and Make Your First Post Here! ! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 12, 2016, 11:28:51 am

Hi can you please mark my essay on transitions
Do I have even have enough detail
Am I using the correct structure?

Its really bad but I really need to pull up in English, its my worst subject because I failed the English trials

thankyou in advance!!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 13, 2016, 04:17:42 pm

Quote from: EmileeSmith on September 12, 2016, 11:28:51 am

Hi can you please mark my essay on transitions
Do I have even have enough detail
Am I using the correct structure?

Its really bad but I really need to pull up in English, its my worst subject because I failed the English trials

thankyou in advance!!

Hey there! I haven't studied transitions myself, so my advice will be more specific to essay writing as opposed to dealing with the module. But it should still be helpful! :)

It's in the spoiler below.

Spoiler

Transitioning into new states of maturity can influence how an individual interacts with others. This process of gaining maturity and interacting with others is done by undertaking a journey which enables an individual to open up to new phases of life by being more acceptant. I enjoy this! These two sentences make a lot of sense :)This concept is effectively depicted in the 2005 novel The Story of Tom Brennan, written by J.C. Burke ~~along~~ as well as ~~with~~ the film Charlie St Cloud Put the date in brackets)2010, directed by Burr Steers. Both composers implement vital textual devices to explore various philosophies of skirmish and relationships with one another, allowing to the responder to challenge their beliefs and attitudes towards the human intricacies. ~~This is portrayed~~ Most evidently, this is observed through the protagonist’ difficulty in moving away from deaths of loved ones and engaging in human interactions in order to transit into new phases of life. This last sentence could drop off and appear later in a body paragraph. To me, it's just kind of sticking on the end. You won't lose marks for it, but consider how to use it as a way to gain marks. Can you add something on to the end there that brings it back to the concept you started with? Just try to make the introduction that little bit more "wholesome."
For one to transition through life at different phases, they must encounter difficult obstacles. This process ~~of transition of~~ of transitioning into maturity challenges one’s beliefs and attitudes. The novel, The Story of Tom Brennan, written by J.C Burk, No need to identify the author next to the text name again, it's already in the introduction :) is a bildungsroman’s No need for an apostrophe here :)text which demonstrates growth as change is inevitable, . (full stop)Burk narrates the journey of the teenage protagonist Tom, who faces major changes in his life after his brother’s car accident which killed two close friends and paralysed a cousin named Fin. I'd be trying to use this last sentence as an opportunity for analysis. You've identified the narrator, now try to expand on that. What is the significance of Burke as a narrator? Does he provide valuable insight? Does he use the first person narration? What does that first person narration do? Burke implements teenage vernacular and colloquial language to effectively communicate to the audience the consequences of drink driving Who is the predicted audience? You've made a great point about the language, but the audience that it is aimed for isn't necessarily identified, and in this situation it would be beneficial. Because, colloquial language wouldn't relate to my dad as much as it does me. Tom creates suspense in the beginning, “My name is Tom Brennan, and this is my story”, to showcase how drink driving affects one’s transition to maturity Try to identify exactly how suspense is built in the beginning there. I can see that suspense is built, but how? Perhaps the formal introduction provided by the first person narration engages the reader. I'd take that route. . Burke also uses first person to give the audience access to Tom’s private thoughts following the accident and to showcase Tom’s transition from an optimistic to a depressed character. This is demonstrated by the symbolic motion of the Brennan family, “closing the front of the door for the last time” to their Mumbili home and starting a new life in Coghill. I like this! In the prologue, Burke uses the specific time of “January 23 4:30am” followed by a metaphor of “near dawn” to demonstrate the concept of ransom of the status quo and to give the audience a sense of a melancholy attitude thus displaying Tom’s negative past. This is followed by the repetition of the word “step” in “step by step to the car” symbolising the decline of the Brennan family in Mumbili. Challenging phases of life enable individual new insights of the world. The ending to this paragraph is really good. You've got a few consecutive sentences at the end that are bam bam bam, really punchy. But then if we drag back to the beginning of the paragraph, there's a lot of discussion about the voice/narration and not a lot of linking between how the author does it, why they do it, and then linking to the purpose. With each technique needs to be an explanation of its significance. With each observation about the text, needs to be evidence and a link. The ending is really good because it analyses more than the voice. So I suggest making the voice analysis more punchy, or by combining a few of those sentences together for a really strong statement.

Transitions are inevitable over time, often leading one into an uncharted world which challenges one’s beliefs and attitudes. In The Story of Tom Brennan, Burke constantly uses flashbacks ~~which~~ to give the audience a hint of the past events that Tom has encountered, as well as his dramatic change in emotions. Tom’s transition away from the past and into the future is noticed when the Brennan’s have to transition into a new life in Coghill since they are ‘no longer wanted’ due to Daniel’s actions by the disgraced Mumbilli community which signifies Tom’s constant use of the motif of “running” throughout the novel, symbolising Tom’s evolutionary transformation, as seen where his uncle Brendan, is a catalyst for change as he trains with Tom as they climb the symbolic hill representing tom’s transition into new phases of life. Long sentence! If you cut it in half with a full stop everything will read more punchy. The metaphor of ‘mountains’ highlights a noticeable nature of transformation to confront experience that may be challenging After reading twice, I see what you're saying. I think you should rephrase the analysis part of this just so that it becomes more clear that the mountains are symbolic of hurdles in life.. However it contrasts with the Brennans family as they are “running” away from their problems which they have left behind in Mumbili. Moreover, the use of an idiom, “Daniel Brennan was an accident waiting to happen”, demonstrates that transitioning is a difficult process as it clashes with an individual’s attitudes and beliefs. Tom’s growth in maturity and acceptance symbolises the change in attitude that ~~have~~ has been influenced by human interactions, which is a catalyst for change~~; which~~ I'm inclined to start a new paragraph here! This can also be seen through the protagonist in the film ‘Charlie St Cloud’, directed by Burr Steers, ~~revolves around a~~ which details the life of a young adult, Charlie, who suffers from ghostly illusions of his younger brother Sam, and depression after his close brother passed away in a car crush. The initial use of high pitched non-diegetic sounds symbolises that the protagonist, Charlie, is still grieving from the death of his little brother. The camera shot What kind of shot? A close up? Take the analysis to the next level by identifying the type of shot! :) of Charlies face, approaches him emotionally as he had never lost a loved one, creates suspense by the use of eye level on Charlie’s face allowing the audience to depict that Charlie is still grieving from the loss of his brother. This is also depicted when Charlie is talking with his father in a close-up angle shot within a dark boarder symbolising Charlie’s challenging transition into the future juxtaposed with fear. The constant use of flashback throughout the film proves to the audience proves to the audience that loss of a loved one can negatively impact one’s life. Negative influences on one’s life may lead to new insights of the world.

Human relationships can be a crucial catalyst in encouraging changes an individual’s process of gaining maturity. I really love your thesis statements! This is depicted in The Story of Tom Brennan, as Tom’s catalyst for change was his sexual relationship with his new girlfriend Chrissie, who helps him to forget the past and move on. This is noticed in the last page when Tom was swimming in the river with Chrissie and says, “That was the day Tom Brennan came back forever”, I'd be commenting on the past tense here and how that works to signify a time past. symbolising Tom’s transition from his troubled past to a brighter future that is similar to Tom’s life before the accident. Throughout the novel, there is constant use of the motif of water symbolising Tom’s transition. This is depicted in the scene where Chrissie catches Tom in the shower after he realises that he is sexually interested in her, and when Tom jumps in the pool with his new friends after transitioning into Coghill and when Tom was swimming gin the waterhole with her and says, “This is the day Tom Brennan came back forever”. I'm not making the connection between the likeness. Either start the sentence with a different connector, or identify the likeness early on in the proceeding sentence just to make the link really clear, and consequently impressing the marker.Likewise, in Charlie St Cloud, Steer implements a high-angle shot of Charlie in the scene where he is talking to the paramedic and says, “That’s death and life you see. Notice all the little things because someone is reaching out to you”. The use of the high-angle shot symbolises that Charlie has learnt to leave his brother, after realising that no matter what he does, he won’t return, and must continue on with his life How does the high angle shot symbolise that? Is it because it shows a force at work higher than Charlie? Or is it because it shows that from a birds eye view, this is just one little aspect of life?. At the end of the film, Steers uses a full-body shot of Charlie and his friends symbolising the effectiveness of being able to develop deeper insights of themselves and others. Human interactions with others allow an individual to transition into new phases of life.
The ability to move on can be difficult for an individual, particularly when one’s beliefs and attitudes are challenged. However, overcoming adversities and reforming personal attitudes creates strengths for individuals. Steers effectively depicts the protagonist, Charlie, to have the encouragement to move on from the loss of his beloved brother as he uses mid-shot of Charlie and his brother sitting under the trees, Charlie says, “We’ll always be brothers”, Charlie replies, “Promise, through rain or shine”. This symbolises the strong relationship the brothers had and the effect of Sam’s death. Steers uses a close-up shot of Charlie’s girlfriend and she says, “Charlie, you didn’t die in that car crush”. Steers uses a low-angle shot of Charlie as he says, “Actually I did”. This symbolises Charlie’s allusion of death and after accident as he wishes he passed away instead of his brother, thus clashing with his attitude and beliefs.
In both, TSTB by J.C. Burke and the Film CSC by Burr Steers, the process of transition challenges attitudes and beliefs and as such enables characters to successfully transition from the past to the present and on into the future. If you haven't used acronyms for the titles throughout, don't use them in the conclusion. Typically a conclusion should be about 3 sentences or so. I'd break up the sentence you have now. You've done amaaaaazing work with your concept statements, so reiterating them down here at the conclusion could be very powerful.

End Notes:
So, like I said, I don't know this module really well but I definitely wouldn't fail you for this essay! Each and every one of your concept statements are so original, articulately expressed and overall, very clear and relevant. You should be really proud of them. For this reason, I think they should feature more. So I'd be inclined to give them some more space in your introduction, definitely give them some more room in your conclusion, but also link consistently throughout your body paragraphs to the relevant statement. The best approach might be to round off each paragraph in a really strong way, and then you can colour in the body paragraphs from there on in.

Aside from the first body paragraph which had a heavy focus on voice, all of this is very impressive in terms of sourcing different techniques each time. The way to enhance your analysis is to focus on a structure which identifies the quote, the technique, the impact on the plot as well as the intention of the composer in doing it (aka: the relation to transitions). So there are times where you do this flawlessly, and other times where the stretch between technique and outcome are a bit far. Sometimes it is a matter of spelling it out in super simple terms, and then coming back to it. My example of this is seen in the last part where you talked about the high angle shot in Charlie's text. The link between the angle shot and Charlie moving on isn't really clear - you have to spell these things out just a little bit more.

There are a few times where grammatically things just interrupted the flow, usually just a few words missing here or there. Before going into the HSC, take this essay and read it out loud very slowly in front of a mirror and you should realise the little mistakes here and there. By fixing them up, you ultimately add to the overall sophistication of the essay.

So to summarise: Give greater prevalence to your outstanding concept ideas, link technique and effect more closely, and just groom the essay a little bit so that it flows perfectly.

You should be proud of this, you've got the foundations of a really outstanding essay. It's now just about tidying things up a bit!

Let me know if you have any other questions! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 15, 2016, 09:42:24 pm

Can you mark my distinctively visual essay
constructive criticism will be really helpful

thank you

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 16, 2016, 12:36:32 am

Quote from: EmileeSmith on September 15, 2016, 09:42:24 pm

Can you mark my distinctively visual essay
constructive criticism will be really helpful

thank you

Hey Emilee! Like I said in the AoS thread, you'll need 45 posts if you want this essay and your other one marked! If you want this essay marked first (before your AoS essay), let me know and I'll be sure to do this one first instead ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 17, 2016, 09:58:11 pm

will you be able to mark my essays please :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: conic curve on September 17, 2016, 10:12:57 pm

Quote from: EmileeSmith on September 17, 2016, 09:58:11 pm

will you be able to mark my essays please :)

You haven't attached any

I could try

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 17, 2016, 10:48:12 pm

I'v attached it 2 posts above the one you replied to

thankss

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: conic curve on September 17, 2016, 11:19:06 pm

Distinctive images can support an audience in being more thoughtful about the multifaceted nature of an individual’s identity and how this impacts the human interaction.please be more specific by giving examples of the human interaction when necessary Visual images critically foster emotional responses and empathy as it portrays an individual’s response to challenging notions of relationshipsIn what way? How?. In the film, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2005) directed by Ang Lee, notable images reveal the conflicted nature of identity leading to conflict with society through the use of quiet melodramatic martial arts systems in the sophisticated ancient China.I think for this, you could use the word "similaryly, or "on the other hand" In the picture book, Photographs in the Mud, we see that a person’s human interaction may try overcoming society’s expectations expectations of what? You still aren't clear of thiswhich can often be difficult as the book explores the ideasexplores the ideas of what?. Both composers exemplify distinctive images by the use of distinctive colourswhat sort? and the use of backgroundsagain you need to be more specific on this between two individuals to capture the audience’s attention as well as to provide meaningful insights of an individual’s human interactions with others.

Distinguishing images can reveal the inevitable change in one’s attitude as they encounter challenging obstacles such as gender restrictions of what? due to societal barriers again you need to expand on this. This is depicted in classical Wuxia film, “The Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, which limits the social construct boundaries of art and passion which is evident in the Chinese literature you need to expand and more specific on this when you refer to the limiting of social construct boundaries of art and passion. The social structure in ancient china is crucial aspect for the Chinese, influencing their social position again this needs expanding. Lee highlights the audience’s visualisation of one of the main characters, Shu Lien’s, a Giang Hu warrior, who develops a complicated relationship with the young Jen Yu who desires a life of freedom but is limited due to the nature of social barriers. It is through such imageryyou haven't stated the example of the imager demonstrated to the audience to shape the total meaning that is being presented to the audience which impacts our experiences in relation to the extwhat do you mean by "ext". The daughter of a rich aristocrat, Jen Yu, from a cultured family with strict rules embedded in her life demands for freedom in her society. The frequent use of high-class, expensive costuming reveals the specific nature that Jen has been exposed to in her life you need to state the technique. What is the technique used here? Imagery? . Throughout the film, transformations of costumes what sort of costumes? rapidly change in different scenes portraying her position in the social world order. When she is in Beijing with her family, Jen symbolises as an oppressed young girl from her dressing colours which were diverse shades of white, yet symbolises an unmistakeable image of her innocence and clarity. Furthermore, in the scene, “thief in the night”, Jen Yu is noticed in a black martial arts outfit for warriors, linking herself with Jade Fox, symbolising her coercion leading towards rebellion to steal the historical green destiny which gives the audience a negative visual impurity.

Distinctive images allow an individual to gain a deeper understanding of the society they live in. In ‘The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, Jen’s intimacy with Bo displays her rebellion against the nature of her social contextwhat sort of intimacy. Lee highlights this as Jen is shown to scuffle between the two distinctive environments of her noble lifestyle respecting the Ancient Chinese traditions or in the desert, where she met Bo. Lee uses the two diverse environments to portray distinctive visuals towards the audience demonstrating Jen’s transformation by the distinctive image of the bridge between Beijing and the environment which Jen is oppressed by her family, thus leading Jen to the desert scene where has finds freedom but yet rebellious by going against the ancient Chinese customs I think the appropiate technique used here would be Juxtaposition. In the scene of the dessert, Lee uses a wide-angle shot you need to explain what the image is about symbolising her freedom and being without framed orders as there are no bordersof what?. The difficulty of the two environments for Jen Yu indicates of becoming an outcast, thus losing her high-class sophisticated lifestyle of what?, thus allowing Jen to reconsider her new love for Bo. Expressively juxtaposing to ‘Photographs in the Mud’, Wolfer implements vector lines and monochromatic photographic memories throughout the picture book to create intense fear of Jack losing his family at home as he doesn’t make it back home after serving his country at war. This reflects the current society what sort of society? that Jack lives in as Wolfer implements (WW) dark shadows behind Jack symbolising fearI think you need to explain this image. When Jack gets injured, Wolfer slightly changes the colour tone you need to explain the colour tone, which is juxtaposed with the dark colours in the beginning. One’s actions in a new place they live in can be demonstrated by the way they interact with nature.

The society that an individual lives in reveals the true nature of themselves and others try to expand on this thesis statement. ‘Photographs in the Mud’ is a picture book based on an Australian soldier, Jack develop a relationship with an outcast enemy. Jack is the opposite of Jen Yu as he is a rebellious outcast in war whereas Jen is from a honourable family whom fears to be an outcast. Wolfer uses the contrast of colours of green and image of blood. Through realism, this symbolises war and bloodshed you need to explain this technque. Wolfer also uses white frames and borders throughout the picture book which visualises that every journey taken is a memory that will stay with an individual forever. This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family back which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature that he lived in what sort of nature is it. The narrator states, “Jack saw an injured Japanese soldier hold the photographic tears were rolling down his cheeks.” I think it is neccessary to explain what technique it is The use of small font creates sympathy for the opponent soldier as the font style also gave distinctive images of despair and sorrow. Distinctive images portray the characteristics of an individual’s behaviour in society.how? you need to explain on this

Both composers, Dianne Wolfer and Ang Lee effectively employ distinctive images to depict how distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity by capturing the attention of the audience. in which way does this happenThrough human interactions, power and social class, the composers respond to the audience by allowing them to images their lives compared to these characters life experiences.again, I think this needs expanding

My comment: I thought that this essay was pretty good however there are quite a lot of aspects which need expanding. You also need to be clear whenever you state your techniques and when explaining their significance and how it impacts others

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 18, 2016, 08:38:44 pm

Quote from: conic curve on September 17, 2016, 11:19:06 pm

Distinctive images can support an audience in being more thoughtful about the multifaceted nature of an individual’s identity and how this impacts the human interaction.please be more specific by giving examples of the human interaction when necessary Visual images critically foster emotional responses and empathy as it portrays an individual’s response to challenging notions of relationshipsIn what way? How?. In the film, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2005) directed by Ang Lee, notable images reveal the conflicted nature of identity leading to conflict with society through the use of quiet melodramatic martial arts systems in the sophisticated ancient China.I think for this, you could use the word "similaryly, or "on the other hand" In the picture book, Photographs in the Mud, we see that a person’s human interaction may try overcoming society’s expectations expectations of what? You still aren't clear of thiswhich can often be difficult as the book explores the ideasexplores the ideas of what?. Both composers exemplify distinctive images by the use of distinctive colourswhat sort? and the use of backgroundsagain you need to be more specific on this between two individuals to capture the audience’s attention as well as to provide meaningful insights of an individual’s human interactions with others.

Distinguishing images can reveal the inevitable change in one’s attitude as they encounter challenging obstacles such as gender restrictions of what? due to societal barriers again you need to expand on this. This is depicted in classical Wuxia film, “The Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, which limits the social construct boundaries of art and passion which is evident in the Chinese literature you need to expand and more specific on this when you refer to the limiting of social construct boundaries of art and passion. The social structure in ancient china is crucial aspect for the Chinese, influencing their social position again this needs expanding. Lee highlights the audience’s visualisation of one of the main characters, Shu Lien’s, a Giang Hu warrior, who develops a complicated relationship with the young Jen Yu who desires a life of freedom but is limited due to the nature of social barriers. It is through such imageryyou haven't stated the example of the imager demonstrated to the audience to shape the total meaning that is being presented to the audience which impacts our experiences in relation to the extwhat do you mean by "ext". The daughter of a rich aristocrat, Jen Yu, from a cultured family with strict rules embedded in her life demands for freedom in her society. The frequent use of high-class, expensive costuming reveals the specific nature that Jen has been exposed to in her life you need to state the technique. What is the technique used here? Imagery? . Throughout the film, transformations of costumes what sort of costumes? rapidly change in different scenes portraying her position in the social world order. When she is in Beijing with her family, Jen symbolises as an oppressed young girl from her dressing colours which were diverse shades of white, yet symbolises an unmistakeable image of her innocence and clarity. Furthermore, in the scene, “thief in the night”, Jen Yu is noticed in a black martial arts outfit for warriors, linking herself with Jade Fox, symbolising her coercion leading towards rebellion to steal the historical green destiny which gives the audience a negative visual impurity.

Distinctive images allow an individual to gain a deeper understanding of the society they live in. In ‘The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, Jen’s intimacy with Bo displays her rebellion against the nature of her social contextwhat sort of intimacy. Lee highlights this as Jen is shown to scuffle between the two distinctive environments of her noble lifestyle respecting the Ancient Chinese traditions or in the desert, where she met Bo. Lee uses the two diverse environments to portray distinctive visuals towards the audience demonstrating Jen’s transformation by the distinctive image of the bridge between Beijing and the environment which Jen is oppressed by her family, thus leading Jen to the desert scene where has finds freedom but yet rebellious by going against the ancient Chinese customs I think the appropiate technique used here would be Juxtaposition. In the scene of the dessert, Lee uses a wide-angle shot you need to explain what the image is about symbolising her freedom and being without framed orders as there are no bordersof what?. The difficulty of the two environments for Jen Yu indicates of becoming an outcast, thus losing her high-class sophisticated lifestyle of what?, thus allowing Jen to reconsider her new love for Bo. Expressively juxtaposing to ‘Photographs in the Mud’, Wolfer implements vector lines and monochromatic photographic memories throughout the picture book to create intense fear of Jack losing his family at home as he doesn’t make it back home after serving his country at war. This reflects the current society what sort of society? that Jack lives in as Wolfer implements (WW) dark shadows behind Jack symbolising fearI think you need to explain this image. When Jack gets injured, Wolfer slightly changes the colour tone you need to explain the colour tone, which is juxtaposed with the dark colours in the beginning. One’s actions in a new place they live in can be demonstrated by the way they interact with nature.

The society that an individual lives in reveals the true nature of themselves and others try to expand on this thesis statement. ‘Photographs in the Mud’ is a picture book based on an Australian soldier, Jack develop a relationship with an outcast enemy. Jack is the opposite of Jen Yu as he is a rebellious outcast in war whereas Jen is from a honourable family whom fears to be an outcast. Wolfer uses the contrast of colours of green and image of blood. Through realism, this symbolises war and bloodshed you need to explain this technque. Wolfer also uses white frames and borders throughout the picture book which visualises that every journey taken is a memory that will stay with an individual forever. This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family back which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature that he lived in what sort of nature is it. The narrator states, “Jack saw an injured Japanese soldier hold the photographic tears were rolling down his cheeks.” I think it is neccessary to explain what technique it is The use of small font creates sympathy for the opponent soldier as the font style also gave distinctive images of despair and sorrow. Distinctive images portray the characteristics of an individual’s behaviour in society.how? you need to explain on this

Both composers, Dianne Wolfer and Ang Lee effectively employ distinctive images to depict how distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity by capturing the attention of the audience. in which way does this happenThrough human interactions, power and social class, the composers respond to the audience by allowing them to images their lives compared to these characters life experiences.again, I think this needs expanding

My comment: I thought that this essay was pretty good however there are quite a lot of aspects which need expanding. You also need to be clear whenever you state your techniques and when explaining their significance and how it impacts others

\

could you take a look at my essay again,
I edited and expanded parts of my essay
thanks :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 18, 2016, 09:16:43 pm

Quote from: EmileeSmith on September 18, 2016, 08:38:44 pm

\

could you take a look at my essay again,
I edited and expanded parts of my essay
thanks :)

You still have my feedback coming (likely tonight, or tomorrow morning) so I'll use this new version!! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: conic curve on September 18, 2016, 09:40:21 pm

Spoiler

Distinctive images can support an audience in being more thoughtful about the multifaceted nature of an individual’s identity and how this impacts the human interaction such as personality traits. Visual images critically foster emotional responses and empathy as it portrays an individual’s response to challenging notions of relationships are made by the use of artistic expression artistic expression of what?. In the film, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2005) directed by Ang Lee, notable images such as? reveal the conflicted nature of identity leading to conflict with society through the use of quiet melodramatic martial arts systems in the sophisticated ancient China. Similarly, in the picture book, Photographs in the Mud, we see that a person’s human interaction may try overcoming cultural social norms which can often be difficult as the book explores the ideas of the relationship with nature. Both composers exemplify distinctive images by the use of distinctive territory such as? and analogous colours such as? and the use of rectangular frames between two individuals to capture the audience’s attention as well as to provide meaningful insights of an individual’s human interactions with others.

Distinguishing images can reveal the inevitable change in one’s attitude as they encounter challenging obstacles such as gender restrictions of Wudang fighters due to societal barriers such as society's behaviour towards female warriors. This is depicted in classical Wuxia film, “The Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, which limits the social construct boundaries of art and passion of Wudang Warriors which is evident in the Chinese literature try to explain what sort of chinese literature text it is. The social structure in ancient china is crucial aspect for the Chinese, influencing their social position such as nobles, whom were viewed a emperors. Lee highlights the audience’s visualisation of one of the main characters, Shu Lien’s, a Giang Hu warrior, who develops a complicated relationship with the young Jen Yu who desires a life of freedom but is limited due to the nature of social barriers. It is through such nature that Lee has demonstrated the audience to shape the total meaning that is being presented to the audience which impacts our experiences in relation to the text. The daughter of a rich aristocrat, Jen Yu, from a cultured family with strict rules embedded in her life demands for freedom in her society. The frequent use of wide-angle shot of high-class, expensive costuming reveals the specific nature that Jen has been exposed to in her life. Throughout the film, transformations of costumes in a Changao, rapidly change in different scenes portraying her position in the social world order. When she is in Beijing with her family, Jen symbolises as an oppressed young girl from her dressing colours which were diverse shades of white, yet symbolises an unmistakeable image of her innocence and clarity. Furthermore, in the scene, “thief in the night”, Jen Yu is noticed in a black martial arts outfit for warriors, linking herself with Jade Fox, symbolising her coercion leading towards rebellion to steal the historical green destiny which gives the audience a negative visual impurity.

Distinctive images allow an individual to gain a deeper understanding of the society they live in. In ‘The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, Jen’s emotional intimacy with Bo displays her rebellion against the nature of her social context. Lee highlights this as Jen is shown to scuffle between the two distinctive environments of her noble lifestyle respecting the Ancient Chinese traditions or in the desert, where she met Bo. Lee uses the two diverse environments to portray distinctive visuals towards the audience demonstrating Jen’s transformation by the distinctive image of the bridge between Beijing and the environment which Jen is oppressed by her family, juxtaposed to Jen to the desert scene where has finds freedom but yet rebellious by going against the ancient Chinese customs. In the scene of the dessert, Lee uses a wide-angle shot of the horizontal landscape of the desert symbolising her freedom and being without framed orders as there are no borders framing her face. The difficulty of the two environments for Jen Yu indicates of becoming an outcast, thus losing her high-class sophisticated lifestyle within the Chinese social hierarchy thus allowing Jen to reconsider her new love for Bo. Expressively juxtaposing to ‘Photographs in the Mud’, Wolfer implements vector lines and monochromatic photographic memories throughout the picture book to create intense fear of Jack losing his family at home as he doesn’t make it back home after serving his country at war. This reflects the current international conflict of society that Jack lives in as Wolfer implements dark shadows behind Jack symbolising fear as Wolfer uses a worried body pose of Jack as he is trying to camouflage in the green bush. When Jack gets injured, Wolfer slightly changes the colour tone by using tinted colour as it lightens the hue, making the scene less intense is juxtaposed with the dark colours in the beginning. One’s actions in a new place they live in can be demonstrated by the way they interact with nature such as?.

The society that an individual lives in reveals the true nature of themselves and others which creates a distinctive image. ‘Photographs in the Mud’ is a picture book based on an Australian soldier, Jack develop a relationship with an outcast enemy. Jack is the opposite of Jen Yu as he is a rebellious outcast in war whereas Jen is from an honourable family whom fears to be an outcast. Wolfer uses the contrast of colours of green and image of blood. Through realism, this symbolises war and bloodshed by the use of mahogany and wine red colours as the main vector lines throughout the picture book. Wolfer also uses white frames and borders throughout the picture book which visualises that every journey taken is a memory that will stay with an individual forever. This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family members which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature of inhumane treatment that he lived in. The narrator states, “Jack saw an injured Japanese soldier hold the photographic tears were rolling down his cheeks.” With the use of the enemy soldier as the salience feature, thus signifying the true nature of the society the soldier is placed in. The use of small font creates sympathy for the opponent soldier as the font style also gave distinctive images of despair and sorrow. Distinctive images portray the characteristics of an individual’s behaviour in society as it reveals their true identity.

Both composers, Dianne Wolfer and Ang Lee effectively employ distinctive images to depict how distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity by capturing the attention of the audience by the use of contrasting colours and hues. Through human interactions, power and social class, the composers respond to the audience by allowing them to images their lives compared to these characters life experiences which creates distinctively appealing images.

I thought that this was much better than the previous one. Good job :)

Moderator Edit: Added spoiler

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 19, 2016, 12:28:35 am

Quote from: EmileeSmith on September 18, 2016, 08:38:44 pm

Could you take a look at my essay again,
I edited and expanded parts of my essay
thanks :)

Hey Emilee! Certainly can, essay is attached with comments in bold:

Spoiler

Distinctive images can support an audience in being more thoughtful about the multifaceted nature of an individual’s identity and how this impacts the human interaction such as personality traits. This is good, but I'd like you to expand on the "multifaceted nature of an individual's identity" and the "personality traits" that you mention here, they will likely form the conceptual drive of your response! Visual images critically foster emotional responses and empathy as it portrays an individual’s response to challenging notions of relationships by the use of artistic expression. Slightly messy expression there, but good ideas. In the film, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2005) directed by Ang Lee, notable images reveal the conflicted nature of identity leading to conflict with society through the use of quiet melodramatic martial arts systems in the sophisticated ancient China. Fantastic introduction to the text. Similarly, in the picture book, Photographs in the Mud, we see that a person’s human interaction may try overcoming cultural social norms which can often be difficult as the book explores the ideas of the relationship with nature. Slightly messy expression there. Both composers exemplify distinctive images by the use of distinctive territory and analogous colours and the use of rectangular frames between two individuals to capture the audience’s attention as well as to provide meaningful insights of an individual’s human interactions with others. Again, slightly messy wording: Try reading your essay aloud to spot these issues. The ideas here are solid though! I'd like to see you simplify things though; give me one big central concept that you are pushing throughout the whole essay and set that up immediately.

Distinguishing images can reveal the inevitable change in one’s attitude as they encounter challenging obstacles such as gender restrictions of Wudang fighters due to societal barriers such as people’s behaviours towards female warriors. This sentence would work better if you keep it abstract, don't go into the example just yet. This is depicted in classical Wuxia film, “The Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon”, which limits the social construct boundaries of art and passion of Wudang Warriors which is evident in the Chinese literature. Expression. The social structure in ancient china is crucial aspect for the Chinese, influencing their social position such as nobles, whom were viewed a emperors. Expression. Lee highlights the audience’s visualisation of one of the main characters, Shu Lien’s, a Giang Hu warrior, who develops a complicated relationship with the young Jen Yu who desires a life of freedom but is limited due to the nature of social barriers. Slightly retell at the end there: We don't need plot descriptions! It is through such nature that Lee has demonstrated the audience to shape the total meaning that is being presented to the audience which impacts our experiences in relation to the text. This sentence needs an expression fix; it doesn't really say much, what IS the meaning? You don't answer this question for me. The daughter of a rich aristocrat, Jen Yu, from a cultured family with strict rules embedded in her life demands for freedom in her society. Retell. The frequent use of wide-angle shot of high-class, expensive costuming reveals the specific nature that Jen has been exposed to in her life. Throughout the film, transformations of costumes in a Changao, rapidly change in different scenes portraying her position in the social world order. When she is in Beijing with her family, Jen symbolises as an oppressed young girl from her dressing colours which were diverse shades of white, yet symbolises an unmistakeable image of her innocence and clarity. Good. Furthermore, in the scene, “thief in the night”, Jen Yu is noticed in a black martial arts outfit for warriors, linking herself with Jade Fox, symbolising her coercion leading towards rebellion to steal the historical green destiny which gives the audience a negative visual impurity. Be sure to add a proper conclusion to your paragraphs! Like a, "Thus, this is the point I've proven," sort of thing ;)

Distinctive images allow an individual to gain a deeper understanding of the society they live in. Awesome intro! In ‘The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, Jen’s emotional intimacy with Bo displays her rebellion against the nature of her social context. Lee highlights this as Jen is shown to scuffle between the two distinctive environments of her noble lifestyle respecting the Ancient Chinese traditions or in the desert, where she met Bo.Retell, if you had popped a technique in this sentence instead (juxtaposition perhaps?) you'd be golden. Lee uses the two diverse environments to portray distinctive visuals towards the audience demonstrating Jen’s transformation by the distinctive image of the bridge between Beijing and the environment which Jen is oppressed by her family, juxtaposed to Jen to the desert scene where has finds freedom but yet rebellious by going against the ancient Chinese customs. You could be more succinct in expression there. In the scene of the dessert, Lee uses a wide-angle shot of the horizontal landscape of the desert symbolising her freedom and being without framed orders as there are no borders framing her face. Good. The difficulty of the two environments for Jen Yu indicates of becoming an outcast, thus losing her high-class sophisticated lifestyle within the Chinese social hierarchy thus allowing Jen to reconsider her new love for Bo. Retell. Expressively juxtaposing to ‘Photographs in the Mud’, Wolfer implements vector lines and monochromatic photographic memories throughout the picture book to create intense fear of Jack losing his family at home as he doesn’t make it back home after serving his country at war. Slight retell there. This reflects the current international conflict of society that Jack lives in as Wolfer implements dark shadows behind Jack symbolising fear as Wolfer uses a worried body pose of Jack as he is trying to camouflage in the green bush. When Jack gets injured, Wolfer slightly changes the colour tone by using tinted colour as it lightens the hue, making the scene less intense is juxtaposed with the dark colours in the beginning. Try not to just rattle techniques in the process of retell: Tell me WHAT THEY DO, what image do they create and what does this image reveal to the audience (us)? One’s actions in a new place they live in can be demonstrated by the way they interact with nature. Good job for trying to summate, but give it a little more of a conclusive feel. Adding a "Therefore" or a "Thus, it is clear how..." to the start could help.

The society that an individual lives in reveals the true nature of themselves and others which creates a distinctive image. Haven't quite sold me on that "which creates a distinctive image" bit, could you elaborate? ‘Photographs in the Mud’ is a picture book based on an Australian soldier, Jack develop a relationship with an outcast enemy. Expression issue. Jack is the opposite of Jen Yu as he is a rebellious outcast in war whereas Jen is from an honourable family whom fears to be an outcast. Good textual parallel. Wolfer uses the contrast of colours of green and image of blood. Through realism, this symbolises war and bloodshed by the use of mahogany and wine red colours as the main vector lines throughout the picture book. Those sentences there could be easily blended to create a better flow to your idea! Wolfer also uses white frames and borders throughout the picture book which visualises that every journey taken is a memory that will stay with an individual forever. Not quite sure how the white frames and borders achieve this; perhaps elaboration is required? This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family members which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature of inhumane treatment that he lived in. The narrator states, “Jack saw an injured Japanese soldier hold the photographic tears were rolling down his cheeks.” With the use of the enemy soldier as the salience feature, thus signifying the true nature of the society the soldier is placed in. Expression issue. The use of small font creates sympathy for the opponent soldier as the font style also gave distinctive images of despair and sorrow. Distinctive images portray the characteristics of an individual’s behaviour in society as it reveals their true identity.

Both composers, Dianne Wolfer and Ang Lee effectively employ distinctive images to depict how distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity by capturing the attention of the audience by the use of contrasting colours and hues. Slightly specific there: I'd cut the sentence after "identity" to be honest! It would work well more generally. Through human interactions, power and social class, the composers respond to the audience by allowing them to images their lives compared to these characters life experiences which creates distinctively appealing images. Great conclusion! I'd like a tad more meat to it (one more sentence maybe), but this works well ;D

This essay is the best one I've seen from you Emilee, some really great concepts in here, much better analysis and a solid structure. Good stuff ;D

Some really simple ways you can improve to start: First, read your essay aloud to a friend (or three). Have them indicate at any point where they lose what you are trying to say, or if something doesn't sound right to them. Examine those areas for expression issues. Second, go through and highlight any part of your response that recounts a plot element. Ask yourself two questions; 1 - Does it need to be there? If not, remove it. If it does, then ask: 2 - "Do I need to give this much detail to someone who already knows the text, or will they know it already?" These are two really quick simple tidy ups ;D

More generally, I'm looking for more conceptual clarity. I want to read an essay like this with one big central idea that you always return to. For you this would probably be the first sentence of your conclusion: Distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity, and a similar statement in your intro. However, I'd like to see you delve into what aspects of an identity it reveals, and further, to maintain this idea throughout the response. You are getting there, but really work on making this idea stand out clearly to the marker; and chances are this will help you do more with your analysis by forcing you to continually reference "what the image reveals about the true nature of identity." ;D

Besides this, little things like adding conclusions and elaboration on certain things would help to. But expression/retell can be fixed quickly, and then spend a little more time working on your conceptual focus, and using it to enhance your analysis ;D great work though Emilee! As I said, best essay I've seen from you so far :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 19, 2016, 06:00:05 pm

sorry i just really need to pull up in English, its my worst subject

btw what do you mean by conceptual focus

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 19, 2016, 06:06:53 pm

Quote from: EmileeSmith on September 19, 2016, 06:00:05 pm

sorry i just really need to pull up in English, its my worst subject

btw what do you mean by conceptual focus

Good on you for working to improve it!! ;D

A 'conceptual focus' is like a main idea, a big theme that goes through all of your essay. It is usually defined in the first couple of sentences. For example, a simple one:

Although typically portrayed positively, love is in fact one of the most damaging of human emotions.

That's the BIG IDEA, the one you want to prove through the whole essay. Your paragraphs pick a PART of this conceptual focus (called a Thesis), and deconstruct it. For example, my paragraphs for the concept above might be about:

- Love as a cause of jealousy
- Love as a cause of self-doubt
- Love as a cause of dishonesty/mistrust

All stemming from that BIG idea, but all SMALL ideas in themselves. In your essays, I'm looking for you to establish the BIG IDEA more clearly, and then maintain it through well chosen SMALL ideas. It need not necessarily be exactly like this, everyone approaches it slightly differently, the key is always that you are answering the question, that must always be the goal you have in mind ;D

Ps - You've hit 60, did you want me to mark this one or your AoS one?

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: EmileeSmith on September 19, 2016, 06:14:12 pm

ohhh that makes sense, I think I did that in my latest essay
could you mark this one please thankyou

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 20, 2016, 11:27:33 pm

Quote from: EmileeSmith on September 19, 2016, 06:14:12 pm

ohhh that makes sense, I think I did that in my latest essay
could you mark this one please thankyou

Sure thing! Essay is attached with comments in bold:

Spoiler

Distinctive images can support an audience in being more thoughtful about the multifaceted nature of an individual’s identity and how this impacts the human interaction such as personality traits. I think the latter half of that Thesis has an expression issue, but good concept! Distinctive images give us new insights on how identities impact on human interaction, cool! In fact, you could probably remove personality traits, it doesn't add too much at the moment. The multifaceted nature of self-include life experience and social position in which shapes an individual’s national identity. Expression issue there; keep working on reading this out loud and identifying these! Normally not a big deal, but it can impact on the clarity of your ideas. Visual images foster empathy towards the audience, as it portrays an individual’s response towards challenging notions of relationship as the composers use artistic expression to influence the audience. In the film, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ (2005) directed by Ang Lee, notable images and colours reveal the conflicted nature of identity leading to conflict with society through the use of quiet melodramatic martial arts systems in the sophisticated ancient China. Similarly, in the picture book, Photographs in the Mud, Dianne Wolfer explores an individual human interaction with another by the use of juxtaposed colours in which the book explores the relationship with nature. Both composers exemplify distinctive images by the use of territory and analogous colours to capture the audience’s attention as to bring out an individual’s true sense of identity by capturing the attention of the audience by the use of contrasting colours and hues. I think your ideas in this Thesis are 100% set; very effective (as long as they answer whatever question is in front of you) ;D purely expression issues, keep reading it out to people, keep tidying it up, but the concepts behind it are sweet.

Distinguishing images can reveal the inevitable change in one’s attitude as they encounter challenging obstacles such as gender restrictions due to societal barriers. Fabulous introductory sentence. This is depicted in the classical Wuxia film, “The Crouching Tiger Hidden Drag”, Lee uses the social construct boundaries of art and passion which is evident in the Chinese literature. The social structure in ancient china is a crucial aspect of the Chinese cultural norms, thus influencing an individual’s social position within the hierarchy. Lee highlights the audience’s visualisation of the main character, young Jen Yu who desires a life of freedom but is juxtaposed of her social barriers. What technique achieves this? The frequent use of wide-angle shot of the daughter of a rich aristocrat, Jen Yu, from a cultured family with strict rules embedded in her life demands for freedom in her society, in high-class, expensive costuming, reveals the specific nature that Jen has been exposed to in her life. Too much unnecessary detail here, pretty much the entire middle is irrelevant, keep the focus on the technique and the effect! Throughout the film, transformations of costumes in a Changao, rapidly change in different scenes portraying her position in the social world order. Good, try and link this to the audience! When she is in Beijing with her family, Jen symbolises as an oppressed young girl from her dressing colours which were diverse shades of white, yet symbolises an unmistakeable image of her innocence and clarity. Good. Furthermore, in the scene, “thief in the night”, Jen Yu is noticed in a black martial arts outfit for warriors, linking herself with Jade Fox, symbolising her coercion leading towards rebellion to steal the historical green destiny which gives the audience a negative visual impurity. Thus the use of such analogous colours allows the audience to depict the national identity of the individual juxtaposed of their social class. This paragraph has come far since the first draft, nicely done! I'd like to see you put even more of a focus on techniques (Literally, "The use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE shows the audience ____________."), and again, continue to work on clarity and succinctness of expression.

Distinctive images allow an individual to gain a deeper understanding of the society they live in. Awesome. In ‘The Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, Jen’s emotional intimacy with Bo displays her rebellion against the nature of her social context. Lee highlights this as Jen is shown to scuffle between the two distinctive environments of her noble lifestyle respecting the Ancient Chinese traditions juxtaposed in the long-shot desert, where she met Bo thus symbolising her rebellious identity by going against the ancient Chinese customs. Expression issue; technique? In the scene of the dessert, Lee uses a wide-angle shot of the horizontal landscape of the desert symbolising her freedom and being without framed orders as there are no borders framing her face juxtaposed to her home in Beijing. Who is 'her' -> This is the sort of ambiguity that less than ideal expression can create. Minimise the work for the marker! The frequent use of lightening contrast between the scenes symbolises Jen’s fear of becoming an outcast, thus losing her high-class sophisticated identity within the Chinese social hierarchy. Thus showing the audience? Expressively juxtaposing to ‘Photographs in the Mud’, Wolfer implements vector lines and monochromatic photographic memories throughout the picture book to create intense fear of Jack losing his family at home. This reflects the current international conflict of society that Jack lives in as Wolfer implements dark shadows behind Jack symbolising fear as Wolfer uses a worried body pose of Jack as he is trying to camouflage in the green bush thus portrays Jack’s identity as a soldier in war. Flow on sentence; much of the latter half of this is retell and could be omitted. When Jack gets injured, Wolfer slightly changes the colour tone by using tinted colour as it lightens the hue, making the scene less intense is juxtaposed with the dark colours in the beginning thus revealing to the audience the resilient distinct images of war, illuminating the horrors on the battlefield and the effects. One’s actions in a new place they live in can be demonstrated by the way they interact with nature. Thus, it is clear how composers use heavy-duty colours and hues in order to give an individual an identity. Again, your ideas in this paragraph are extremely effective! It is very much just your expression holding you back. Linked to this, you have a lot of unnecessary information (mainly textual details).

The society that an individual lives in reveals the true nature of themselves and others which creates a distinctive image towards the audience. Slightly unclear on this concept, perhaps a rephrase would help? ‘Photographs in the Mud’ is a picture book based on an Australian soldier, Jack, who develops a relationship with an outcast enemy by the use of juxtaposed colours to create a sense of national identity. Good. Jack is the opposite of Jen Yu as he is a rebellious outcast in war whereas Jen is from an honourable family whom fears to be an outcast. Good parallel; be careful not to fall into describing the plots of the text though. Wolfer uses the contrast of colours of green and image of blood through realism, thus symbolising war and bloodshed by the use of mahogany and wine red colours as the main vector lines throughout the picture book. Expression issue: But good focus on techniques here! Wolfer also uses white frames and borders symbolising photographs throughout the picture book which visualises that every journey taken is a memory that will stay with an individual forever. This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family members which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature of inhumane treatment that he lived in. Try to make your analysis abstracted from the text (I'll explain this below). The narrator states, “Jack saw an injured Japanese soldier hold the photograph in my hands. Tears were rolling down his cheeks’, portraying the enemy soldier as the salience feature in order to express the true nature of the society the soldiers were in. Was the quote necessary there? The use of small font creates sympathy for the opponent soldier as the font style also gave distinctive images of despair and sorrow. Distinctive images portray the characteristics of an individual’s behaviour in society as it reveals their true identity.

Both composers, Dianne Wolfer and Ang Lee effectively employ distinctive images to depict how distinctive images can bring out an individual’s true sense of identity. You may want to start your conclusion with another conceptual statement. Distinctive images are critical in allowing the audience to visualise how the text shapes meaning. Through human interactions, power and social class, the composers respond to the audience by allowing them to images their lives compared to these characters life experiences which creates distinctively appealing images. Solid conclusion!! Good summation of your ideas!

I agree, your conceptual focus is definitely better in this version than your previous drafts. Your ideas are shining through much more effectively, and I think they are extremely effective! Great work on the improvement ;D

The key piece of feedback I'd have for you is expression. This is tricky, because it's not something I can help too much with (because fixing expression for you would be writing it for you, which is a clear no no, and there are no hard and fast rules to apply to spot the issues), Your ideas are great; but they aren't coming through as effectively as they could be, because they are held back by what at times can be ambiguous, or at other times overcrowded, expression.

I'm noticing lots of sentences that go for too long, try to squeeze too much in. Read through your essay at a normal pace; if you can't say a sentence in one breath, trim it down :)

Beyond this, keep reading the essay aloud to people. This is the best way to fix these issues, because hearing it aloud will make expression issues more obvious.

Some other feedback: Keep working on your analysis style. It is improving all the time, but I'm still looking for a greater focus on techniques and less focus on plot.

This is shown throughout the picture book of the monochromatic photographs of family members which symbolises that Jack misses his old home and the nature of inhumane treatment that he lived in.

This is retell; it doesn't add any new information and doesn't provide your perspective. You have an idea in here though, concerning inhumane treatment. I want you to replace sentences like this, with sentences like (for example):

The use of mono-chromaticism throughout the text creates a distinctive, emotionally devoid image for the audience, symbolising the nature of inhumane treatment (add detail as required.

I've removed the reliance on the plot, and replaced it with a more abstract analytical statement. It need not be necessarily like this, but I'm looking for you to rely less on the plot of the text. It will raise your sophistication ;D

I hope this feedback helps! Feel free to chase me to explain anything that is unclear :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: TiarnaJade12 on September 28, 2016, 05:51:59 pm

This is my HSC prepared essay for Paper One, the text was the play, Away by Michael Gow. Could you please read and give me feedback on how to make it stronger or what to change? Thanks

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 28, 2016, 06:59:07 pm

Quote from: TiarnaJade12 on September 28, 2016, 05:51:59 pm

This is my HSC prepared essay for Paper One, the text was the play, Away by Michael Gow. Could you please read and give me feedback on how to make it stronger or what to change? Thanks

Hello there! Congrats on your first post, and congrats for being so close to the HSC! In order to get a work marked on the forums, you need to make 15 posts. You can read more about it in the link in my signature below. It isn't hard to do that though! Ask questions, answer questions, or join in on the cohort's discussion thread! :) We'll check back when you've gotten your posts up :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: dylan862 on September 28, 2016, 07:36:38 pm

Hey guys, can you please give me feedback on my discovery essay?

Question: Discoveries help to shape an individual’s identity and the way that they perceive the world around them.

Individuals may experience change due to the reconciling of discoveries, which can affect their perception of the world they live in. Discovery is a new experience that can be lead forth by a change of one’s mind. Michael Gow conveys the ideas of hardship and acceptance through his play “Away”, as the characters journey through different holidays in order to become changed people; synchronising with Christopher Kezelos’ film “Zero” where discrimination and judgement plays a crucial role in initiating everyone’s personal discovery. These ideas are conveyed to help deepen an individual’s understanding of ways that discoveries shape a person’s identity and the way they perceive the world around them. Thus provokes an individual to reflect on their own life.
Gow recognises hardship by shaping a character in his play ‘Away’ through mental changes in the characters. Jim, Gwen’s husband, illustrates to his daughter Meg the hardship they had faced growing up in the depression “The world was full of people walking around the country side looking for something to eat, all thinking about the day they could stop walking. We all did it. Your mother did it.” Jim illustrates through the use of imagery to emphasise to Meg that it is through the hardship Gwen faced in the depression during her past that has made her who she is today. As a result, her actions imitate her bitter and hollow personality. It highlighted regularly throughout the play that Gwen thrives of conflict especially with her daughter Meg. Gwen furthermore causes her family to become disconnected and dysfunctional. Gow powerfully strengthens our knowledge of how past hardships can impact the present and the unknown future.
Similarly in’ Zero’, Zero experiences hardship at the initiation of the film which is the core factor of why the change occurs later on. Kezelos accentuates this hardship through the use of imagery. We are told “School was the only place where Zero received attention. It was forbidden for his denomination to multiply”. Film techniques such as the first person perspective camera shot of Zero and flipping the camera upside down showing Zero being hung are utilised to deliver a strong depiction of Zero’s experiences as he receives these antisocial judgements. In the classroom, the other children lie to get Zero in trouble, displaying that they do not value zero like any other number. This emphasises just a small portion of the hardships Zero had to deal with. As showcased by Kezelos, hardships experienced by an individual may eventually lead into a fresh discovery.
‘Away’ continues to facilitate how hardship catalyses acceptance and creates a meaningful discovery. At the start of the play, Gwen always had to rely on ‘Bex’ pills to resolve all her problems. She was being too dependent on an external remedy to cure her internal problems. As the play draws to the conclusion, a storm that occurs subsides. As the storm subsides, Tom loses his illness and brings new feelings to Gwen; she cries “I can’t take this powder. I can’t make it go in. I want to take it and it won’t go in. I’m going to be sick”. Gwen repeats “I” as it represents the unexpected confronting discovery she is making to mentally find herself. She realises she has to solve her problems by confronting them rather than relying on the materialistic 'Bex' to get rid of the mental pain she’s experiencing. After confronting them, she becomes a better person and is accepted by pupils as opposed to the person she was during the Great Depression. The storm allows her to rediscover herself as it brings her family closer together; thus allows her to break away the facade of negativity and accept a change in her life. Coral also becomes acceptant as she endorses the simile “like a ghost”. The purpose of this simile emphasises how Coral has been absent since the death of her son and has been unable to deal in the real world effectively. The self-discovery she experiences at the beach is a metaphor for her emotional journey to recovery of self and ability to ‘walk’ in the world of the living. As highlighted above, Gow continues to expand our knowledge of how accepting change brings new discoveries.
A reference of acceptance moulding the personality of Zero is his baby being born. The citizens express shock and disgust at her pregnant body. Nevertheless, as she gives birth, this disgust changes to awe of admiration when the baby is born bearing the mark of ‘infinity’, “The highest known number…” Zero knew “that for a nothing, he had created something truly magnificent”. Symbolism is elucidated here as the pair had given the number zero a new perception. They had brought the largest number possible to life, which is more than what any other number cannot create. Now that the baby is alive, every other number values the number zero and he is able to discover what he is truly worth. As highlighted above; Gow continues to expand our knowledge of how change brings new discoveries.
Throughout Gow’s ‘Away’ , Gwen experiences meaningful discoveries through the physical adventure of a holiday as they return from their holiday as new people. Kezelos demonstrates in ‘Zero’ how significant something small like the birth single baby can change everyone’s lives in the way they vision any situation. The ideas of hardship and acceptance support how much a single change can influence how an individual sees the world around them.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on September 28, 2016, 09:20:57 pm

Quote from: dylan862 on September 28, 2016, 07:36:38 pm

Hey guys, can you please give me feedback on my discovery essay?

Question: Discoveries help to shape an individual’s identity and the way that they perceive the world around them.

Hey Dylan! We have a policy that requires 15 posts on ATAR Notes forums before you can get a completed piece marked. We just do this to ensure the quality of marking is high, and to make it feasible. You're only 13 posts away! Ask some questions, answer some questions, or join in the discussion in the 2016 cohort's discussion thread. Let me know if you need any help finding anything :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 05, 2016, 11:08:09 pm

Quote from: katherine123 on October 03, 2016, 11:01:25 pm

can you mark my essay thanks :)

Hey Katherine! Sure can, I've popped comments throughout! :)

Spoiler

Owen’s poem “Insensibility” portrays the dehumanising nature of war as soldiers have deliberately become desensitised in order to cope with the unspeakable horrors of war. Good introduction. In the opening of the free verse poem, Owen’s use of the anaphora of “happy” to allude to William Wordsworth’s poem “Character of the Happy Warrior”, which depicts an idealised image of resilient soldiers at war. Great sentence, but flow a little off, change 'use' for 'uses' maybe? Owen, however, he oddly juxtaposes this with the metaphorical image of “veins run cold”, which reveals that the soldiers in reality feel emotionally numb and are devoid of warmth and compassion. If you are going to integrate your quote into your writing, ensure that the flow makes sense. This can be tough! But the sentence without the quotes, "metaphorical image of veins run cold," doesn't make sense, and it detracts from your sophistication. Owen thus expresses his bitter cynicism that soldiers are forcibly placed amidst senseless slaughter, which has led to the loss of their humanity and converted them into robotic automatons. Good. The cold brutality of war is amplified through the use of metaphor of “alleys cobbled with their brothers” which depicts the horrific image of corpses paving way for soldiers, who are inhumanely described as “gaps for filling”. Good. Owen here demonstrates that the soldiers are seen as nothing but replaceable commodities. This is reiterated by the personification of “Chance’s strange arithmetic” which reflects the commodification of humanity as the soldiers’ fate is governed by arbitrary and impervious forces. Thus, this reinforces that war is horrifically incomprehensible in a sane world. In stanza five, Owen’s archaic language such as “besmirch” and “overmuch” links to the battle scenes from Shakespeare’s Henry V where the “blood all over our soul” suggests the irredeemable tainting of the conscience caused by bloody warfare. Great analysis here. In order to withstand the war’s assault on their sensibilities, the soldiers have chosen to become heartless, which is demonstrated through Owen’s hyperbolic tone when describing “dullards” and “stones”. In “Insensibility”, Owen thus elucidates war’s assault on their sensibilities which reduces them to a half-dead state thereby conveying the plight of common soldier. A great paragraph that pushes the point well! A few little flow issues, but overall very effective!

In the dramatic monologue poem, “Strange Meeting”, Owen presents a realist’s image of a meeting of soldiers in the limbo between life and death to reveal the gruesome and horrific reality which counters the nationalistic propaganda that depicts them as proud and heroic. You could make the expression here a little more succinct, but love the premise! Owen invokes the landscape of a haunted consciousness where grotesque figures threaten to rise up in order to convey that their guilt and moral culpability has caused “shell shock” and neurasthenic nightmares. Good amplification. This is exemplified through the use of oxymoron in “dead smile” in which the corpse-like look suggests the soldiers’ nightmarish vision as they metaphorically “stood in Hell”. Good. What does this show the audience about your theme though? Be explicit with these links. Owen employs parallelism in “Whatever hope is yours,/was my life also” to suggest that what is shared between the meeting of the persona’s eerie doppelganger is an awareness of the “truth untold”. The psychological suffering of soldiers caused by war is demonstrated through the metaphor, “Foreheads of men have bled where no wounds were”, which alludes to and reflects them as the Christ who is a sacrificial victim and peacemaker in the Book of Luke. Excellent, what does this biblical allusion do for Christian audiences? The juxtaposition in “I am the enemy you killed, my friend” induces the sense of irony as there is no sense of tension or angst between the enemies, but similarity as they both do not triumph but lie helplessly and haunted in hell which refutes the misleading perception of them as proud and honourable. Slight expression issue there. In the paradoxical final line “let us sleep now...” indicates that the enemies unite in death and moreover, the ellipses suggest Owen’s prophetic vision that the war will never end. Is that a paradox? Through the surreal image of the meeting between soldiers from opposing sides, Owen explores the caverns of death and despair, which present an apocalyptic vision of mankind’s future that is tainted by thirst for violence. In “Strange Meeting”, Owen thus presents his reflection on war by demonstrating the soldiers’ final acceptance of death due to the unceasing horrors of war which made them hopeless. Another effective paragraph!

Two very effective paragraphs Katherine!! My only comments would be on ensuring that proper, clear expression is maintained in all circumstances, and also, ensuring that your paragraph topic is explicitly threaded throughout the paragraph. At brief times in both paragraphs you didn't make an explicit link to your main idea, try to make it really scream throughout your paragraph! :)

I'd also suggest for you to be making more explicit links to the audience. What are we shown? How does a particular technique show us something about your text and its themes? As a prime example, what does the biblical allusion you discuss in the 2nd paragraph do for Christian responders? Try to consider the link between audience and composer (that link being techniques), and that will only raise your sophistication further.

All that said, this is great stuff! Great analytical style and powerful concepts, fantastic work Katherine! Slap a good intro and conclusion on this and you'd be on a winner ;)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: kevin217 on October 06, 2016, 12:47:38 pm

Hi markers, I was wondering what improvements could be made to improve my essay into band 5 territory. Thanks
The elective is Exploring Transitions

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 10:48:11 pm

Hi everyone! So exams are right around the corner, and unsurprisingly, there are a HEAP of people wanting feedback on essays. Given that demand is really high, it is only natural that we will need to increase the post requirement for the coming days, to make sure that our feedback remains of the highest possible quality. Thus, for all essays posted between now (this post) and this time next week, you will need 30 posts for every essay you would like marked. Note that this does not apply to essays before this point, meaning no one is in post debt. It just means that essays 'cost more' for the next week. We appreciate your understanding :)

Note: We will be very harsh on our posting rules over the coming days. Posting in old threads, multi-posting, shit-posting and spamming (etc) to access essay marking won't work. Immediate 48 hour posting bans will be applied in all circumstances :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 08, 2016, 03:39:05 am

Quote from: kevin217 on October 06, 2016, 12:47:38 pm

Hi markers, I was wondering what improvements could be made to improve my essay into band 5 territory. Thanks
The elective is Exploring Transitions

Hey Kevin! No problem, I'll give you some suggestions. Your essay in the spoiler below with comments in bold:

Spoiler

Transitions are an important phase in life and can result in new knowledge and attitudes. It is through the wisdom gained can individuals deepen their understanding of self and others. Perhaps a tad simplistic; try delving in a little more! Why are transitions important? What new attitudes are obtained? Steven Herrick’s poem ‘The Simple Gift’ and the film ‘Muriel’s Wedding’ directed by P.J. Hogan both explore the growth and maturity of each protagonist as they undergo challenges and transformation depicted through the utilization of various textual and cinematic features. Simple, but I think it is effective, good work here!

Herick ascertains that physical transitions into new phases of life are an opportune experience of personal development. Good. Billy is the novel’s protagonist enacting on a journey to escape his troubled life. Marker knows this; don't tell them again! Pessimistic imagery created by negative connotations in “lonely downtrodden house” epitomizes Billy’s dissatisfaction for his current state in life. What does this show about transitions in general? It is the damaging relationship with his father that shapes his rebellious attitude of social contempt. A series of flashback images captures the severity of abuse Billy suffered from a young age. The contrasting of innocent imagery “kicking a soccer ball” with the violent hyperbole “Dad came thundering out” illustrates the unwarranted aggression endured from his father. Fantastic analysis here! The metaphorical “He slammed a door on my sporting childhood” conveys the damaging impacts a childhood of abuse has had on Billy’s innocence. Excellent! But what is the impact on the whole? What does the audience learn not just about the text, but about transitions in general? Herrick utilizes Billy’s characterisation to highlight how dysfunctional families can lead to a degradation of character. It is only through a physical escapement can Billy emotionally transition to a mature adultToo text focused, unnecessary detail. The natural world is this psychical escapement for Billy where he feels most at peace in his metaphorically “favourite classroom”.Retell. A first person imperative voice brings to life his affectionate side as he states “I love this place.”. Hence, Billy’s potential to transition to his desired character can only be achieved if he overcomes the personal challenges arising from a broken familial relationship. Fantastic textual referencing and analysis! Just looking for you to bring this out of the text; Use what is in the text as evidence to say something IN GENRAL about transitions. You did this ever so briefly in this paragraph (see part in red).

One’s transition into a new sense of identity can be contradictory in nature if it harms the process of maturation. Great conceptual start. Hogan unveils the film’s main character Muriel as an overweight adolescent withdrawn from society. Retell. Similar to Herrick’s character of Billy, Muriel’s negative self-image is a by-product of her dysfunctional family. Good intertextual comparison. Her name change to ‘Mariel’ is a symbolic representation of her desire to escape this reality for one where she feels valued. It forces the responder to consider the socially constructed nature of Muriel’s motives where the desperation in her tone “I don’t need to play ABBA because my life is an ABBA song” reflects the irony of her statement. Good incorporation of audience, but what do they learn? Her transition into a new identity has altered personal integrity and is in accordance of a poorly conceived view of individual worth. The audience is able to appreciate this inherent flaw of Muriel’s character as one that hinders an essential stage of internal development in her life. Close up shots presenting Muriel’s euphoria during her wedding ceremony signifies to the audience her perception of achieved social status. Thus demonstrating __________. However, Hogan highlights Muriel’s naivety by presenting her perspective through low angled shots that heighten a sense of inferiority and thereby alludes to an imminent transitional maturation. Therefore, transitions aroused personal insecurities will inhibit a maturation of one’s character. Great integrating of audience here, and continuing effective analysis!

The relationships that form the powerful force of love is facilitative of positive transitions into new environments. Those we share relationships with are the ones that influence our character and decisions in life. Good amplification to add some more detail. Billy’s romantic relationship with Caitlin encapsulates this idea as she aids development of Billy’s maturation. The metaphor of Billy as a “badly dressed satellite/spinning crazily in her orbit” humorously captures their youthful intimacy. Thus showing what about love? Link back to your theme! Billy’s newfound love signifies the start of his emotional maturation from a troubled boy in Longlands Road to an independent adolescent in Bendarat. Retell. Furthermore, Billy’s relationship with Old Bill is not one of romantic love but one ingrained with deep friendship. Retell. Both Old Bill and Caitlin provide Billy with companionship, giving his life greater direction and meaning. Retell. The key that Billy receives from Old Bill is symbolic of a chance to gain independence as it metaphorically unlocks the path to Billy’s future. Retell. The recurring motifs of nesting swallows represent Billy and Caitlin as they too ‘nest’ in their new home. What is the significance of this motif? Don't give me a technique without saying what it does conceptually! Billy’s act of gifting Caitlin a “beautiful green emerald ring” marks his self-actualisation as it symbolises the greater maturity he develops along his journey of personal growth. Hence, Herrick accentuates the importance of understanding in relationships for individuals entering new life environments. A little too plot focused in this paragraph, not as strong as your other two.

Emotional transitions into a new life perspective will achieve a state of spiritual enlightenment. The death of Muriel’s mother is an impetus for reflection on her life personal deceit. Her mum’s passing causes a sudden change in mood, chiaroscuro lighting emphasizes Muriel’s internal conflict. Her grief-stricken facial expressions cause responders to sympathise with her search for happiness. Excellent consideration of audience reaction there. Hogan utilises the pathetic fallacy of the storm to metaphorically cleanse Muriel’s mind as to signify an adopting of a refurbished outlook on life. To show the instigation of Muriel’s independence, Hogan employs a medium shot of her and Van Arkle in bed. The salient imagery of the wedding ring being returned symbolically completes Muriel’s transformed identity. Too text focused here, what does the responder learn about spiritual enlightenment in general? Hogan further explores this self-actualisation in the dialogue with her father, “You are going to look after them Dad. You owe us that”. The imperative directions highlight a personal acceptance in herself and this acceptance allows her to assert autonomy against an oppressive father. An additional medium shot of this scene depicts Muriel and her father as equals. His quasi-dictatorship as family head has been displaced. Muriel finally accepts her perilous past of lies by this confrontation symbolising personal and spiritual maturity and the acknowledgement of her new identity. Therefore, the emotional transition caused by a significant life event will strengthen one’s resilience to overcome challenges hindering personal growth. More effective analysis here.

This is a killer essay Kevin! Clear, direct, fantastic analysis, bloody brilliant!! Some overall comments for improvement:

- Be sure to add an appropriate conclusion on the day, replacing your last paragraph if necessary
- Try to extend your analysis to a wider implication. Right now you show me how techniques show me new things about the text. Try to go further, show me how the techniques show me new things about TRANSITIONS by themselves. As in, The use of _________ in the quote ________ reveals ______ to the audience. Rinse, repeat. This is a more sophisticated and conceptual approach
- Ensure all your paragraphs are of similar strength - Your 3rd paragraph is weaker than your others due to large amounts of textual retell
- Oh, speaking of which, watch for textual retell. Ask yourself after every sentence - Would a casual viewer who just watched this already know this information? If so, then you can exclude it :)

I think this is already in the Band 5 range to be honest Kevin, it works really well! Implementing these changes will definitely get you there in any case, brilliant work! :)
-

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: amar101 on October 09, 2016, 08:56:39 pm

hey guys my English HSC exam is right around the corner and my discovery essay based on the poems fire and ice and stopping by the woods on a snowy evening by Robert frost is all over the place. Im not content with it at the moment and really need to re-edit is ASAP. please mark and give lots of feed back as I feel like im sitting on a band 2. thanks

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jakesilove on October 09, 2016, 09:05:04 pm

Quote from: amar101 on October 09, 2016, 08:56:39 pm

hey guys my English HSC exam is right around the corner and my discovery essay based on the poems fire and ice and stopping by the woods on a snowy evening by Robert frost is all over the place. Im not content with it at the moment and really need to re-edit is ASAP. please mark and give lots of feed back as I feel like im sitting on a band 2. thanks

Hey! Just reposting the current rule for essay marking :)

"Hi everyone! So exams are right around the corner, and unsurprisingly, there are a HEAP of people wanting feedback on essays. Given that demand is really high, it is only natural that we will need to increase the post requirement for the coming days, to make sure that our feedback remains of the highest possible quality. Thus, for all essays posted between now (this post) and this time next week, you will need 30 posts for every essay you would like marked. Note that this does not apply to essays before this point, meaning no one is in post debt. It just means that essays 'cost more' for the next week. We appreciate your understanding "

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: kevin217 on October 09, 2016, 09:19:33 pm

Quote from: jamonwindeyer on October 08, 2016, 03:39:05 am

Hey Kevin! No problem, I'll give you some suggestions. Your essay in the spoiler below with comments in bold:

Spoiler
Transitions are an important phase in life and can result in new knowledge and attitudes. It is through the wisdom gained can individuals deepen their understanding of self and others. Perhaps a tad simplistic; try delving in a little more! Why are transitions important? What new attitudes are obtained? Steven Herrick’s poem ‘The Simple Gift’ and the film ‘Muriel’s Wedding’ directed by P.J. Hogan both explore the growth and maturity of each protagonist as they undergo challenges and transformation depicted through the utilization of various textual and cinematic features. Simple, but I think it is effective, good work here!

Herick ascertains that physical transitions into new phases of life are an opportune experience of personal development. Good. Billy is the novel’s protagonist enacting on a journey to escape his troubled life. Marker knows this; don't tell them again! Pessimistic imagery created by negative connotations in “lonely downtrodden house” epitomizes Billy’s dissatisfaction for his current state in life. What does this show about transitions in general? It is the damaging relationship with his father that shapes his rebellious attitude of social contempt. A series of flashback images captures the severity of abuse Billy suffered from a young age. The contrasting of innocent imagery “kicking a soccer ball” with the violent hyperbole “Dad came thundering out” illustrates the unwarranted aggression endured from his father. Fantastic analysis here! The metaphorical “He slammed a door on my sporting childhood” conveys the damaging impacts a childhood of abuse has had on Billy’s innocence. Excellent! But what is the impact on the whole? What does the audience learn not just about the text, but about transitions in general? Herrick utilizes Billy’s characterisation to highlight how dysfunctional families can lead to a degradation of character. It is only through a physical escapement can Billy emotionally transition to a mature adultToo text focused, unnecessary detail. The natural world is this psychical escapement for Billy where he feels most at peace in his metaphorically “favourite classroom”.Retell. A first person imperative voice brings to life his affectionate side as he states “I love this place.”. Hence, Billy’s potential to transition to his desired character can only be achieved if he overcomes the personal challenges arising from a broken familial relationship. Fantastic textual referencing and analysis! Just looking for you to bring this out of the text; Use what is in the text as evidence to say something IN GENRAL about transitions. You did this ever so briefly in this paragraph (see part in red).

One’s transition into a new sense of identity can be contradictory in nature if it harms the process of maturation. Great conceptual start. Hogan unveils the film’s main character Muriel as an overweight adolescent withdrawn from society. Retell. Similar to Herrick’s character of Billy, Muriel’s negative self-image is a by-product of her dysfunctional family. Good intertextual comparison. Her name change to ‘Mariel’ is a symbolic representation of her desire to escape this reality for one where she feels valued. It forces the responder to consider the socially constructed nature of Muriel’s motives where the desperation in her tone “I don’t need to play ABBA because my life is an ABBA song” reflects the irony of her statement. Good incorporation of audience, but what do they learn? Her transition into a new identity has altered personal integrity and is in accordance of a poorly conceived view of individual worth. The audience is able to appreciate this inherent flaw of Muriel’s character as one that hinders an essential stage of internal development in her life. Close up shots presenting Muriel’s euphoria during her wedding ceremony signifies to the audience her perception of achieved social status. Thus demonstrating __________. However, Hogan highlights Muriel’s naivety by presenting her perspective through low angled shots that heighten a sense of inferiority and thereby alludes to an imminent transitional maturation. Therefore, transitions aroused personal insecurities will inhibit a maturation of one’s character. Great integrating of audience here, and continuing effective analysis!

The relationships that form the powerful force of love is facilitative of positive transitions into new environments. Those we share relationships with are the ones that influence our character and decisions in life. Good amplification to add some more detail. Billy’s romantic relationship with Caitlin encapsulates this idea as she aids development of Billy’s maturation. The metaphor of Billy as a “badly dressed satellite/spinning crazily in her orbit” humorously captures their youthful intimacy. Thus showing what about love? Link back to your theme! Billy’s newfound love signifies the start of his emotional maturation from a troubled boy in Longlands Road to an independent adolescent in Bendarat. Retell. Furthermore, Billy’s relationship with Old Bill is not one of romantic love but one ingrained with deep friendship. Retell. Both Old Bill and Caitlin provide Billy with companionship, giving his life greater direction and meaning. Retell. The key that Billy receives from Old Bill is symbolic of a chance to gain independence as it metaphorically unlocks the path to Billy’s future. Retell. The recurring motifs of nesting swallows represent Billy and Caitlin as they too ‘nest’ in their new home. What is the significance of this motif? Don't give me a technique without saying what it does conceptually! Billy’s act of gifting Caitlin a “beautiful green emerald ring” marks his self-actualisation as it symbolises the greater maturity he develops along his journey of personal growth. Hence, Herrick accentuates the importance of understanding in relationships for individuals entering new life environments. A little too plot focused in this paragraph, not as strong as your other two.

Emotional transitions into a new life perspective will achieve a state of spiritual enlightenment. The death of Muriel’s mother is an impetus for reflection on her life personal deceit. Her mum’s passing causes a sudden change in mood, chiaroscuro lighting emphasizes Muriel’s internal conflict. Her grief-stricken facial expressions cause responders to sympathise with her search for happiness. Excellent consideration of audience reaction there. Hogan utilises the pathetic fallacy of the storm to metaphorically cleanse Muriel’s mind as to signify an adopting of a refurbished outlook on life. To show the instigation of Muriel’s independence, Hogan employs a medium shot of her and Van Arkle in bed. The salient imagery of the wedding ring being returned symbolically completes Muriel’s transformed identity. Too text focused here, what does the responder learn about spiritual enlightenment in general? Hogan further explores this self-actualisation in the dialogue with her father, “You are going to look after them Dad. You owe us that”. The imperative directions highlight a personal acceptance in herself and this acceptance allows her to assert autonomy against an oppressive father. An additional medium shot of this scene depicts Muriel and her father as equals. His quasi-dictatorship as family head has been displaced. Muriel finally accepts her perilous past of lies by this confrontation symbolising personal and spiritual maturity and the acknowledgement of her new identity. Therefore, the emotional transition caused by a significant life event will strengthen one’s resilience to overcome challenges hindering personal growth. More effective analysis here.

This is a killer essay Kevin! Clear, direct, fantastic analysis, bloody brilliant!! Some overall comments for improvement:

- Be sure to add an appropriate conclusion on the day, replacing your last paragraph if necessary
- Try to extend your analysis to a wider implication. Right now you show me how techniques show me new things about the text. Try to go further, show me how the techniques show me new things about TRANSITIONS by themselves. As in, The use of _________ in the quote ________ reveals ______ to the audience. Rinse, repeat. This is a more sophisticated and conceptual approach
- Ensure all your paragraphs are of similar strength - Your 3rd paragraph is weaker than your others due to large amounts of textual retell
- Oh, speaking of which, watch for textual retell. Ask yourself after every sentence - Would a casual viewer who just watched this already know this information? If so, then you can exclude it :)

I think this is already in the Band 5 range to be honest Kevin, it works really well! Implementing these changes will definitely get you there in any case, brilliant work! :)
-

Thank you so much. Your feedback has been very helpful

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 09, 2016, 11:06:00 pm

Quote from: amar101 on October 09, 2016, 08:56:39 pm

hey guys my English HSC exam is right around the corner and my discovery essay based on the poems fire and ice and stopping by the woods on a snowy evening by Robert frost is all over the place. Im not content with it at the moment and really need to re-edit is ASAP. please mark and give lots of feed back as I feel like im sitting on a band 2. thanks

Hey amor101! Welcome to the forums!! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay, but unfortunately right now you need 30 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay/creative you'd like marked! Collectively our marking threads are really busy at the moment, so this is to ensure that the markers have time to give proper feedback to active members of the forums; one line feedback doesn't help anyone ;) hang around the forums for a bit, ask questions and maybe answer them, and you'll build up the post count really quick I am sure! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: amandali on October 10, 2016, 02:19:30 pm

hi can you mark my essay and pick which 2 of Lawson's short stories are the best ?( i was thinking of choosing Drover's wife and In a dry's season)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: studybuddy7777 on October 10, 2016, 02:41:37 pm

Quote from: amandali on October 10, 2016, 02:19:30 pm

hi can you mark my essay and pick which 2 of Lawson's short stories are the best ?( i was thinking of choosing Drover's wife and In a dry's season)

While I can only look on this as an Advanced student, one of my related texts is The Drover's Wife and I find this great. I havent heard of the other ones.I'm just putting in my input where its probably not necessary in saying I would chose the drovers wife as a definite one to put in.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: katherine123 on October 10, 2016, 06:01:40 pm

Can you mark my intro for Wilfred Owen? There are 105 words but is it sufficient? How many words should an intro have and do i always have to give a brief summary of what each text is about even though ive mentioned it in the beginning of the body paragraph.

Wilfred Owen, reflecting his experience on the Western front, uses “the pity of war” to express the intensity of suffering of soldiers, who sacrifice both their minds and bodies in the name of “glory, honour, might”. Owen’s poems “The Next War” and “Futility” explore unorthodox uses of poetic form and satirical language which capture the horror of facing death and the experiences of “shell shock” that became markers of WW1. This effectively conveys a particular group of individuals’ extreme suffering and loss of physical and psychological human qualities. Thus, Owen challenges the established values of the glorious illusion of war falsely presented to his society.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 10, 2016, 10:09:35 pm

Quote from: katherine123 on October 10, 2016, 06:01:40 pm

Can you mark my intro for Wilfred Owen? There are 105 words but is it sufficient? How many words should an intro have and do i always have to give a brief summary of what each text is about even though ive mentioned it in the beginning of the body paragraph.

Hey Katherine! Intro of 100 words sounds about right, let's have a look:

Wilfred Owen, reflecting his experience on the Western front, uses “the pity of war” to express the intensity of suffering of soldiers, who sacrifice both their minds and bodies in the name of “glory, honour, might”.This is a good sentence, but it feels more like a second or third sentence than a first. Try to make the first one more conceptual, like a big idea you want to push. Owen’s poems “The Next War” and “Futility” explore unorthodox uses of poetic form and satirical language which capture the horror of facing death and the experiences of “shell shock” that became markers of WW1. Good. This effectively conveys a particular group of individuals’ extreme suffering and loss of physical and psychological human qualities. Thus, Owen challenges the established values of the glorious illusion of war falsely presented to his society. This should be a concept explored earlier!

I think this works well, but I'd like to see a more conceptual start. Perhaps start with something about war (since that is your focus), and only THEN tie in your texts as examples?

Quote from: amandali on October 10, 2016, 02:19:30 pm

hi can you mark my essay and pick which 2 of Lawson's short stories are the best ?( i was thinking of choosing Drover's wife and In a dry's season)

Haven't forgotten you amandali, just did a quick bit of feedback for Katherine ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: brenden on October 11, 2016, 01:47:32 pm

Quote from: amandali on October 10, 2016, 02:19:30 pm

hi can you mark my essay and pick which 2 of Lawson's short stories are the best ?( i was thinking of choosing Drover's wife and In a dry's season)

Hey amandali. Firstly, thanks so much for being a part of this community from the very start. I hope it pays off for you in the coming weeks :). Now, to your essays.

Quote

In what ways are people and their experiences brought to life through the distinctively visual?
Henry Lawson relies on the effective use of visual devices to form distinctive images that offer diverse perspectives which reshapes and enhances reader’s understanding of the world around them, and thus induces critical reflection. This is evident in Lawson’s short stories, The Drover’s Wife and The Loaded Dog, in which he uses vivid sensory imagery, vernacular expression and dark humour to project distinctive images of the unforgiving barren Australian bush into reader’s mindput a comma here :) - it's an important one beacuse everything sounds sophisticated in this intro so far. thereby offering a variety of perspectives on the world. Similarly, in Kenneth Slessor’s poem, “North Country”, visual devices are employed to awaken graphic imagery of demolition of nature and to provoke a horrified response at the humanity’s cruelty in the responder. Through the projection of realistic and distinctive images in reader’s mind, composers allow them to be drawn into the experience of others which provoke deeper understanding of their world. Great intro!

In The Drover’s Wife, Lawson depicts a woman’s experience of survival against the dangers isolation in absence of her husband through the use of vivid imagery, which brings to life the late 1900s rural Australia. This is exemplified through the stagnant imagery of “four ragged dried-up looking children” and “gaunt, sun-browned bush woman” which depict the dry, fatigued appearance of those battling an abrasive environment, thus demonstrating their struggles which promotes sympathy in readers.Nice! This is reinforced through diseased imagery of “stunted, rotten native apple trees”, which alludes to the Biblical setting of the Garden of Eden, and suggests that the Paradise has degraded into an infertile land. The complication of the narrative is introduced abruptly through the use of exclamatory language “Snake! Mother, here’s a snake!” which emphasises their panic and vulnerability in dealing dangers in a remote environment. The physical cost for the wife in dealing with the absence of father is demonstrated through the use of vernacular expression in her dialogue, “Come here at once when I tell you, you little wretch!”, where the coarseness and bluntness of her language, with a marked absence of femininity, suggests that the harshness of the environment has toughened her. Lawson, therefore, presents a distinct visual image of worn-out characters living in an unforgiving environment in reader’s mind to vividly enliven the hardships in the bush whilst conveying the stoicism and resilience of bush people. This is a really good paragraph. The structure's really nice/clear, the quotes are really, really well used, and you actually analyse them which is a great sign! The one thing I would say is... try using words that end in 'es' instead of 'ed.' For example... You say, "this is reinforced", "this is exemplified". You could say, "Lawson exemplifies (content.........), painting an image of a barren wasteland" or whatever else. If you can use "exemplifies" and words that are 's' words instead of 'd' words, it can push your writing to be more sophisticated. BUT---- to be honest, it's already a really good paragraph, so it's not something I'd even try to change this late in the game unless you feel like playing around with it. Nothing to be nervous about, I just feel like I need to give you some critical feedback you can use instead of just telling you that it's a good paragraph! Hehe :)

Similarly, in The Loaded Dog, Lawson powerfully constructs This is exactly the type of sentence I'm talking about. "constructs" is an 's' word, instead of 'constructed', which would be a 'd' word. a realistic sketch of three frivolous larrikins in a dangerous and hostile miner camp, which situates reader amidst a tangible setting and visually emphasises their comical resilience, thus bringing their experiences to life. The danger involved with the larrikins’ work is depicted through the active verbs such as “hissing”, “spluttering” and “spitting” which exhibit the explosive potential of the cartridge the larrikins have planted, thus foreshadowing the disastrous and comical events as they try to outsmart nature. Lawson’s darkly comical bush yarn comes to life through his use of idiomatic and colloquial language “How’s the fishin’ getting on, Da-a-ve?”, which elucidates the larrikins’ frivolity as they earn a living with their unsophisticated, humorous way of “blow(ing) the fish up” with a cartridge. Here, Lawson sardonically reveals the improbability and ridiculousness of them becoming rich, which provokes sympathy in readers. The visual humour is reinforced "He reinforces this visual humour" ;) when Tommy, the dog, retrieves the dangerous cartridge which leads to the comical chase of the larrikins as shown by the image of Andy coaxed into action, while others exclaim, “Run, Andy, run!”. The repetition of “run” accentuates their sense of urgency and sheer panic, which makes the scene farcical and chaotic, drawing readers into their experience. Moreover, Lawson brings to life the distinctive image of the unpredictable nature of bush through the dark humour “it was a very good blasting powder” to convey the unexpected death of the cattle dog Tommy dislikes, which heightens the ironic justice of its demise. Hence, Lawson vividly captures a distinctive experience of frivolous larrikins in the unpredictable, danger-filled outback which lightens the burden of surviving in the bush.

In conclusion, both Lawson’s short stories The Drover’s Wife and The Loaded Dog and Slessor’s poem “North Country” project distinctive visual images into reader’s mind through the use visual and poetic devices which draw them into realistic experiences of the world. Thereby, offering diverse perspectives of the world can reshape and enhance reader’s understanding which induces critical reflection.

Really good work. I'll move onto the second essay and talk more at the end :)

Quote

Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world. Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
Henry Lawson relies on the effective use of visual devices to form distinctive images that offer diverse perspectives which reshapes and enhances reader’s understanding of the world around them, and thus induces critical reflection. This is evident in Lawson’s short stories, In a Dry’s Season and The Bush Undertaker, in which he uses vivid sensory imagery, vernacular expression and dark humour to project distinctive images of the unforgiving barren Australian bush into reader’s mindjust reinforcing, get the comma in before 'thereby'!! thereby offering a variety of perspectives on the world. Similarly, in Kenneth Slessor’s poem, “North Country”, visual devices are employed to awaken graphic imagery of demolition of nature and to provoke a horrified response at the humanity’s cruelty in the responder. Through the projection of realistic and distinctive images in reader’s mind, composers allow them to be drawn into the experience of others which provoke deeper understanding of their world.

In In a Dry’s Season, Lawson provides a travelogue sketch of the bleakness of the Australian landscape through stark visual imagery and dark humour that captures his train trip from Bathurst to Bourke. In contrast to “The Drover’s Wife” where Lawson portrays a loving mother who must adopt a masculine role in absence of her husband, In a Dry’s Season lacks femininity as there are no female figures hence representing the outback as a masculine environment. The short story begins with a blunt, authorial tone, “Draw a wire fence and a few ragged gums and add some scattered sheep” which draws attention to the barrenness of the inhospitable Australian outback. The imperative “draw” mimics a painter sketching details to give the reader a snapshot of the sparse, unchanging environment. Lawson scathes the pitiful treatment of the bush men through the use of exclamatory language, “they talk of settling people on the land!”, emphasising the absurdity of encouraging them to settle on infertile land. The stifling and inhibiting nature of the bush is reflected through the appearance of the bushmen in “slop sac suits, red faces and old-fashioned flat-brimmed hats” where accumulation emphasises their outdated and peculiar matching of clothes. Lawson here highlights the inadequacy of the inhabitants in the desolated outback with their uncivilised outlook. Lawson further employs dark humour in “death is about the only cheerful thing in the bush” to convey the view that only death can break their lonely and monotonous life, elucidating his sardonic perception of life in the outback. Lawson ultimately projects a distinctive eye-witness account of the blighted Australian landscape to elucidate his unsentimental perspective on the bleakness of bush life.

Similarly, in The Bush Undertaker, Lawson presents a series of vignettes of a bush man’s life, which convey his strange familiarity with death and eccentric behaviour due to unwelcome nature of bush life. The protagonist is characterised as “hatter”, “shepherd”, and “bush undertaker” which reveals his multiple personalities produced by the mind-numbing loneliness of isolation and the grinding monotony of the bush. This is reinforced as he admits ironically that “I ain’t a-spendin’ sech a dull Christmas arter all” which accentuates the distinctive image of the strangeness of old man as he spends a traditionally wholesome occasion with a bizarre grotesque ritual, thus inducing sympathy in readers for his alienated existence. The embedded sibilance in “awful scrutiny that gleamed on him from those empty sockets” quickens the pace and emphasises the horrific visual shock when the old man faces the mummified corpse which turns out to be his old friend, Brummy, thus conveying the ghastliness of a lonely death in the bush. This is furthered through the dark humour “nothing much mattered in the bush” to highlight the central truth that there is no distinction between living and death in the outback. Lawson therefore powerfully constructs a distinctive visual image of hardships in the outback to offer readers his view of the desolated bush.

Likewise, in the poem, "North Country", Kenneth Slessor brings to life the distinctive image of spoiled pristine natural environment through the use of striking graphic imagery which provides a negative representation of Australian landscape. Slessor thus reveals his perspective of humanity’s fading appreciation for intrinsic beauty of nature which results from its selfish obsession with industrial progress. Slessors introduces a playful visual image of personified "gesturing woods", which elucidates the vitality of the trees and offers rejuvenation. Then, he provides a starkly contrasting imagery of harsh imposition of man-made structures in “But verticals and perpendiculars” to portray a distinctive image of human’s greed causing extinction of nature with the use of fatalistic tone “but” conveying his criticism of this fact. In the end of 2nd stanza, Slessor uses semi-colon to mark the passage of time which conveys the majestic sight of trees that "nobody cares" for are the only remains of the persona's memories thus emphasising the neglect of nature. The dead trees appear to be "like broken teeth with smoky antlers broken in the sky" and this highlights that they are slaughtered like stags in large mass and the repetition of "broken" intensifies the severe damage caused by human violence, thus reinforces Slessor's criticism towards human's single mindedness. In final line, Slessor portrays trees as a victim of mankind through the graphic imagery evoked by personification of them "dripping red with blood" in which the lurid appearance of blood intensify the violent murder of trees for the sake of humanity’s relentless progress. Hence, Slessor’s use of graphic imagery brings to life the distinctive image of harmed nature which intensifies an awareness of humanity’s brutal capacity for destruction and reveals his view of the transience of natural world.

In conclusion, both Lawson’s short stories In a Dry’s Season and the Bush Undertaker and Slessor’s poem “North Country” project distinctive visual images into reader’s mind through the use visual and poetic devices which draw them into realistic experiences of the world. Thereby, offering diverse perspectives of the world can reshape and enhance reader’s understanding which induces critical reflection.

Okay, so, the only reason I haven't said much at all throughout the essays is because you're doing a good job. Your quotes are integrated well, your analysis is really appropriate, your flow is good, your paragraphs well structured and appropriate.

The way I see it:

The Drover's Wife
In a Dry Season/The Loaded Dog
The Bush Undertaker

Is the sort of 'hierarchy of goodness' (which is really just what I like best), so I'd agree that you should go with Drovers/Dry Season, but the other two are really up to scratch as well (they're really close to each other is what I mean). All in all I just think you should be really confident going into your exam. The only things I'd point out are the comma in your introduction, and *maybe* trying out using 's' ending words... But if you do this, you don't want to go 50-50 between s and d. You want to go basically all of one or the other, so if you feel like you'll slip up and forget (potentially a likely scenario), just stick with the d words.

Let me know if you have any further questions!!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 12, 2016, 01:37:48 am

Just a quick notice that any essays posted between now and Paper 2 may not get super detailed feedback. The markers focus needs to be with handling last minute questions, and if we want to get the feedback to you before your exam, we won't be able to spend as much time. This is probably for the better, so you guys can implement the big changes quickly and work on smashing out your exams! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Crystaljayy on November 24, 2016, 12:59:36 pm

This is my AOS speech on discovery on the text away.

Just wanted some help on confirming its strength in relation to examples and explanations.
Also how it could be improved and what can be fixed.

Thank you for giving up your time to help out.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 24, 2016, 01:47:44 pm

Quote from: Crystaljayy on November 24, 2016, 12:59:36 pm

This is my AOS speech on discovery on the text away.

Just wanted some help on confirming its strength in relation to examples and explanations.
Also how it could be improved and what can be fixed.

Thank you for giving up your time to help out.

Hey Crystal! Welcome to the forums! ;D

Thanks so much for posting your essay. We have a requirement that you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up, and that the help is going to the active members of the community :) if you hang around the site a bit, ask some questions, etc etc, you'll get to 15 posts really quick! Then just come back and let us know! :)

(You can read the full essay marking rules here)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: DalvinT on January 30, 2017, 12:09:38 am

Hey Brenden and Jamon! :)

Here's my essay for Module C: Exploring Transitions. It would lovely if I could get it checked before the due date (10th Feb)... My own English teacher hasn't even started looking at it :( And I emailed it to her a while back... Oh well...

The essay question is provided in the header of the document. As well as, my concerns about the essay at the bottom of the document. :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on January 30, 2017, 01:03:04 pm

Quote from: ninabui12345 on January 29, 2017, 07:44:11 pm

hi can you mark or give me any tips for my discovery essay!

Hey there! Welcome to the forums - let me know if you need any help getting around :)
We do have a requirement of 15 ATAR Notes posts in exchange for a essay to be marked. But, I'm sitting at an airport right now and have some time to kill, so I'll take a quick look at your introduction to get you started. Then when you've built up your posts, feel free to pop back in for a full mark!

My comments are in bold:
A discovery can be defined as an individual’s progression in ascertaining new perspectives, knowledge and experiences. I like this definition! If you didn't word it yourself, then perhaps you should credit the source. If this is all your own words, bravo! The process of discovery has the power to transform individuals by confronting them with new or renewed ideas, understandings and perceptions of themselves and their world. Really strong sentence. The SBS documentary series Go Back To Where You Came From highlights a physical exploration where six participants gain new values and renewed perceptions. This sentence introduces the text, but it doesn't introduce any new ideas about discovery. I suggest that you pair it with something distinctly explored in Go Back, and then when you have your related text, you can draw comparisons in what they reveal about discovery. Through the process of discovery, the participants are confronted with realities faced by refugees and asylum seekers. This last sentence doesn't really do a lot - it doesn't undo the good work you've done, but I think you could be stronger with your words. When you have your related text, you'll need to introduce that in a sentence of its own. Then, your ending sentence could be something that links it to the essay question, or it could draw a close comparison of the two texts and what it brings to discovery.

Let me know what you think :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on January 30, 2017, 02:37:30 pm

Quote from: DalvinT on January 30, 2017, 12:09:38 am

Hey Brenden and Jamon! :)

Here's my essay for Module C: Exploring Transitions. It would lovely if I could get it checked before the due date (10th Feb)... My own English teacher hasn't even started looking at it :( And I emailed it to her a while back... Oh well...

The essay question is provided in the header of the document. As well as, my concerns about the essay at the bottom of the document. :)

Hey Dalvin! I can give you a hand here :)

Maybe send through another email to your teacher in case it got lost in the holiday emails...but either way, here to help!
Thanks for your contribution and lovely presence around the forums - I've noticed you posting a lot and it's great to have you around :)
The comments are in the spoiler below (keep in mind I didn't study this module - so if any of my suggestions contradict what you've been told let me know so that I can improve my feedback...but we should be fine!)

Spoiler

Essay question: How do the texts explore individual’s transitions into a new phase of life and social context?

Among many texts, the transitions of individuals into new phases of life and social context are conveyed through the development of characterisation and their interactions within their worlds. Willy Russel’s play “Educating Rita” unmasks Rita and Frank’s transitions by portraying their interactions as a challenge that causes a change in relationships, in which it leads to their new social context of freedom and choice. Just took two tiny words out of this to make it flow smoother :) The slam poetry “Capital Letters” articulated by Omar Musa Unique text choice! further explores the complexity of transitions into a new phase of life through presenting its existence only by spontaneity discovery, leading to a new social context that influences him to catalyse change within his society. Hence, the transition into a new phase of life and social context is unveiled through the respective character’s development and interactions within their society. I like this, you've got a lot of ideas happening here and I've got little criticism to offer!
Russell’s “Educating Rita” unravels the concept of transitioning into a new phase of life through Rita and Frank’s interaction within worlds as an impact to their existing relationships. Just a small wording issue at the end of this sentence that lets down your argument by clouding it. Perhaps try, "through Rita and Frank's interaction with a world that impacts their existing relationships." Admittedly, I still don't think this is entirely clear, I'm a little hazy on the idea you're putting forward. Rita initialises this as she unintentionally alludes to the historical event of the Holocaust in which the Nazis, “burnt all the books” Pg. 32. Unless your teacher has advised you to do this, page numbers wouldn't be necessary. They aren't necessary in the HSC exam, so unless your teacher requires it for internal tasks, I'd drop it. Depending on which version of the book you have, the page numbers will be different, so the purpose is defeated. This denotes her dialogue to Denny’s reluctance to embrace Rita’s relationships with the academia and working class worlds simultaneously. Nice sentence. Hence, demonstrating the notion of women’s inferiority in the 1980s as a dominating factor in its social context acting as a barrier into her new phase of life that negatively impacts the harmonies in her relationships. Furthermore, Rita rebuts to Frank’s response to, “be yourself” Pg. 44 and uses an asyndeton, I think "uses an asyndeton" decreases the sophistication of your sentence. I'd try to shorten the quote if you can, or find a way to embed it with the last quote "be yourself" without saying the words "quote" or "excerpt" or identify the technique. The next sentence flows on perfectly without you identifying asyndeton earlier. “some stupid woman who gives us all a laugh because she thinks she can learn, because one day she’ll be like the rest of them, talking seriously” Pg. 45. The asyndeton heightens the tempo of the moment in order to demonstrate her stress in her emotional insecurity, YASSS, great analysis. illustrating the hardships of acceptance and conformity when phasing into a new lifestyle. Thus, reveals her change in relationships within herself from acceptance to unpleasant and pretentious. This sentence is flawless: You identify the technique, identify the effect, and link it to the question. Super smooth, super effective. The stage direction, “They go towards the door” Pg. 38 Perhaps instead of a page number, you'd benefit from identifying the scene. Again, it's not a requirement, but when I used such tiny little passages I tried to identify the placement. Perhaps, "The stage direction in the kissing scene" (I made that scene up) will be what you need to ground that quote. , ~~utilises~~ is expressed in the third person pronoun ~~in which~~ I think you have a habit of saying "in which"...be conscious about using it. It doesn't add to your sophistication and adds a little hiccup to what could otherwise be a smooth sentence. Usually, "which" will be fine where you have written "in which" it places the responders to perceive unity between the two characters. Through the conjunction of the responder’s perspective and the character's possessive apostrophe required in character's...approach to the door on stage, it becomes a symbol for their initial step to greater impact towards their change in their individual relationships. That is, Rita to resolve relationship in her social relationships and Frank to embark on his change with literature. This also establishes Frank’s office as a world in which Rita begins to transition and hence, the stage directions simultaneously emulates a metaphor for Rita emphatic catalyst to her transition. Therefore, the exploration of transitions through the character’s interactions in “Educating Rita” enable the portrayal of the phasing into a new life as impactful to their relationships. Strong argument! Everything is well supported.
Similarly, the characters interactions in “Educating Rita” are a way to unveil the consequence of the transition into new social contexts for their ability to embrace freedom and choice. Rita’s dialogue presents an asyndeton as she describes that she, “had a great time, [staying] up all night, talking, [going] all around London, [getting] drunk, [going] to the theatres”, Pg. 49. This in effect increases the tempo in her dialogue in which it creates tension between the responders and within the play. This enables the showcase of her ability to practice free will and choice due to her transition that deepen her understanding of literature, thereby expanding her world in which she takes on to outlive the traditional values of the 1980s society. The subjective line spoken by Rita that “[she] felt young” Pg. 51 establishes the metaphor of being “young”. Thus, it simplifies the nature of her new social context that brings about youthfulness with endless opportunities that allow the experience for choice and freedom. We've talked about a metaphor being established, but that reads a bit weakly to me. Is it an ongoing metaphor that holds great significance? Because currently, it doesn't even look like a metaphor to me, it just looks like she's literally saying she felt young. Perhaps, you could talk about the connotations of young, I think that suits better. But I'm happy to have the metaphor explained more if that is the most suitable technique. During the closing of the play, Frank gifts Rita “a dress” in turn Rita insists to “take ten years off” Pg. 73, Frank. These two gifts and exchanges both symbolise what they have given each other – that is, Frank has given Rita education and the authentic experience of change whilst Rita offers Frank the foundation for his transition. Great analysis. Both thereby, coming in terms to result in harmonisation between freedom and choice in their social contexts. Thus, the interactions of Frank and Rita demonstrate transitions into a new social context as a venture to embrace freedom and choice in order to excel in their society as individuals.
Omar Musa’s slam poetry “Capital Letters” shifts ways in which it conveys the individual’s transitions into a new phase, hence expressing it through the portrayal of its existence only by spontaneity discovery. Musa utilises repetition in conjunction with a crescendo as he articulates; “yet somehow, somehow, I found something”. This in effect creates tension between responders and Musa himself, in order to emulate the moment of spontaneity discovery and the progressive unravelling of the ambiguous “something” that suggests the phenomenon of phasing into a new life. Further to this, Musa reveals the result of his discovery in which he ventures into a world of “underground kings & queens who taught us the power of our voices, of nonconformity”. Musa’s intentional first person pronoun and intense word choice of “power” and “nonconformity” heightens the existence of discovery that allowed Musa to be in a phase of leadership and change. Thus, upbringing the notion for the responders’ “nonconformity” to bring their “power” into their life in order to subvert government’s beliefs towards people as “statistics”, only then they are able to experience the transition into new phase in life. Nice embedding of little quotes, it flows well. Moreover, Musa’s approach to utilise the two and three syllable words and asyndeton creates a smooth, pleasing rhythm as he speaks, “syphoning El Haji Malik El Shabazz., Jimblahs, Deltas & Brad Struts, Ozi Batlas,, Hilltops & Horrorshows, Def Wish Casts & Koolisms”. Musa deliberately engages this as its cohesive use allows the responders to easily formulate a vivid image of the numberless artists and culture in which it emulates the endless discovery of music and culture. This implies the forces within the discovery of music and culture as the catalyst to Musa’s individual transition into the new phase of life. Thus, in Omar’s Musa slam poetry “Capital Letters” he conveys the transitions into a new phase of life through expressing its existence only by spontaneity discovery that ventures into different pathways of opportunity and choice.

Likewise, “Capital Letters” exhibits Musa’s progression into his new social context in which he manifests this through his desire to catalyse a form of transition within the responders. Musa’s line, “So… linger now, linger with me” initially pauses on “so”. This acts as an auditory rest for the responders, which in effect enables a moment of intimacy with Musa. Hence, Musa accomplishes a sense of leadership shown through his decrescendo in his speech suggesting control and adherence that further demonstrates Musa’s intention and desire to present the journey of the transition into social context that consist of freedom and acceptance. In addition, Musa’s metaphor, “weave your stories into nets, drag them behind zig sagging decks” is spoken with a similar syllable count (?) in which it creates a flowing and smooth rhythm, replicating the metaphor’s visual imagery that denotes to the easiness for the responders to eliminate their previous mindsets and beliefs suggesting that they are not necessary for transitions. Hence, through the auditory imagery that triggers the responder’s visual sensory it entices their desire to advance into a new social context. Musa’s confident(?) tone as he addresses that “we are more than ‘your dreams are unrealistic’… this is the new scripture of our lives”. First person pronoun accentuates the inclusiveness between Musa and the responders in order to form a relationship, suggesting commonality. This strengthens the superlative comparison (?) that displays the ability for the responder’s to transform their bleak perspective of life to view it as dynamical and exhilarating. Hence, accompanied by the high modality language evident in present tense of “this is” exhibits urgency for change, Good piggybacking of techniques! emphasising the need for the responder’s role to change their social contexts to successively subvert conformists’ approach to life. Therefore, through Musa’s craftsmanship he is able to express his desire to catalyse change in which it has become his approach to illustrate the complexity of transitioning into a new social context.

In summary, I know some people say it's fine, but I personally try to avoid phrases like "to summarise," "In summary," "In conclusion..." Because I think that usually whatever comes next, can stand on its own. And in this situation, your sentence could definitely stand alone without it it is concluded that the characterisation’s development and interactions within their world has evidently contributed to the depiction of the transitions into a new phase of life and social contexts. Willy Russell’s play “Educating Rita” manifests Frank and Rita to engage on ideas that transitions into a new phase of life can impact relationships in which their new social contexts allow them embrace freedom and choice. On the other hand, Omar Musa’s slam poetry “Capital Letters” encapsulates the progression into a new phase to be present only by discovery conjunctionally with a new social context that leads to a desire for change. Overall, it is satisfied that among texts exploring transitions establishes new beliefs and values.

Your concerns:
-   Overall expression, in particular where I am stating my points (introduction) I thought your introduction was fine, but I do see where expression fails you a bit. I've highlighted some of these areas, where simply taking a word out here or there allows it to flow.
-   Sentence structure and overall form (Form) Take a look at the sentences where I've applauded your analysis and syntax, those are the sentences that tick all of the boxes and are exemplars of your writing ability!
-   Answering the question? I do think you answer it, but I think you could answer it a tinnnnnny bit more. So something you're doing really well is piggybacking techniques, or letting them cumulate. But this means that you can be talking about five different techniques mounting on to each other for five sentences, and then the sixth sentence will be what brings it back to the question. Because you are consistently adding to your argument, it's not the worst. But, I think that if you review your paragraphs and question "In the last two sentences, have I addressed the question directly?" and then edit accordingly, your response will have just that little bit more direction.
-   If my points are relevant. (Ideas) Yes they are!
-   Analysis + explanation = is it weak? Hard to understand? (Language) Adding to the above points, at times it's flawless and other times the language lets you down. All of these are easy fixes.
-   Irrelevant points and sentences. There was only like one sentence which stood out to me as not adding anything, and I pointed it out. (I think that potentially you could benefit from combining more sentences, hybridising them. If you follow the above suggestions by looking at the sentences you do perfectly, I think you'll see a pattern that suits you wonderfully.
-   Strength of the overall argument – is it weak or strong? Or in the middle?
When writing this response, I found it difficult to articulate words and sentences, which is probably shown in my writing. I don’t why I found it hard to write when I usually don’t… Perhaps you need to speak out loud and act as though you're explaining the technique to your friend. Write down exactly what you'd say in your colloquial language, and then as it sits on the screen, adjust it to be the kind of tone you'd use in an essay. I think that there are times when you're trying to sound sophisticated by combining ideas that just aren't flowing for you. I think you know this too, and I've pointed out where this happens. Sometimes you need to delete two sentences, and then rewrite them in different words.

Hopefully this gives you a hand! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: DalvinT on January 30, 2017, 04:24:56 pm

Quote from: elysepopplewell on January 30, 2017, 02:37:30 pm

Hey Dalvin! I can give you a hand here :)

Maybe send through another email to your teacher in case it got lost in the holiday emails...but either way, here to help!
Thanks for your contribution and lovely presence around the forums - I've noticed you posting a lot and it's great to have you around :)
The comments are in the spoiler below (keep in mind I didn't study this module - so if any of my suggestions contradict what you've been told let me know so that I can improve my feedback...but we should be fine!)
Spoiler
Essay question: How do the texts explore individual’s transitions into a new phase of life and social context?

Among many texts, the transitions of individuals into new phases of life and social context are conveyed through the development of characterisation and their interactions within their worlds. Willy Russel’s play “Educating Rita” unmasks Rita and Frank’s transitions by portraying their interactions as a challenge that causes a change in relationships, in which it leads to their new social context of freedom and choice. Just took two tiny words out of this to make it flow smoother :) The slam poetry “Capital Letters” articulated by Omar Musa Unique text choice! further explores the complexity of transitions into a new phase of life through presenting its existence only by spontaneity discovery, leading to a new social context that influences him to catalyse change within his society. Hence, the transition into a new phase of life and social context is unveiled through the respective character’s development and interactions within their society. I like this, you've got a lot of ideas happening here and I've got little criticism to offer!
Russell’s “Educating Rita” unravels the concept of transitioning into a new phase of life through Rita and Frank’s interaction within worlds as an impact to their existing relationships. Just a small wording issue at the end of this sentence that lets down your argument by clouding it. Perhaps try, "through Rita and Frank's interaction with a world that impacts their existing relationships." Admittedly, I still don't think this is entirely clear, I'm a little hazy on the idea you're putting forward. Rita initialises this as she unintentionally alludes to the historical event of the Holocaust in which the Nazis, “burnt all the books” Pg. 32. Unless your teacher has advised you to do this, page numbers wouldn't be necessary. They aren't necessary in the HSC exam, so unless your teacher requires it for internal tasks, I'd drop it. Depending on which version of the book you have, the page numbers will be different, so the purpose is defeated. This denotes her dialogue to Denny’s reluctance to embrace Rita’s relationships with the academia and working class worlds simultaneously. Nice sentence. Hence, demonstrating the notion of women’s inferiority in the 1980s as a dominating factor in its social context acting as a barrier into her new phase of life that negatively impacts the harmonies in her relationships. Furthermore, Rita rebuts to Frank’s response to, “be yourself” Pg. 44 and uses an asyndeton, I think "uses an asyndeton" decreases the sophistication of your sentence. I'd try to shorten the quote if you can, or find a way to embed it with the last quote "be yourself" without saying the words "quote" or "excerpt" or identify the technique. The next sentence flows on perfectly without you identifying asyndeton earlier. “some stupid woman who gives us all a laugh because she thinks she can learn, because one day she’ll be like the rest of them, talking seriously” Pg. 45. The asyndeton heightens the tempo of the moment in order to demonstrate her stress in her emotional insecurity, YASSS, great analysis. illustrating the hardships of acceptance and conformity when phasing into a new lifestyle. Thus, reveals her change in relationships within herself from acceptance to unpleasant and pretentious. This sentence is flawless: You identify the technique, identify the effect, and link it to the question. Super smooth, super effective. The stage direction, “They go towards the door” Pg. 38 Perhaps instead of a page number, you'd benefit from identifying the scene. Again, it's not a requirement, but when I used such tiny little passages I tried to identify the placement. Perhaps, "The stage direction in the kissing scene" (I made that scene up) will be what you need to ground that quote. , ~~utilises~~ is expressed in the third person pronoun ~~in which~~ I think you have a habit of saying "in which"...be conscious about using it. It doesn't add to your sophistication and adds a little hiccup to what could otherwise be a smooth sentence. Usually, "which" will be fine where you have written "in which" it places the responders to perceive unity between the two characters. Through the conjunction of the responder’s perspective and the character's possessive apostrophe required in character's...approach to the door on stage, it becomes a symbol for their initial step to greater impact towards their change in their individual relationships. That is, Rita to resolve relationship in her social relationships and Frank to embark on his change with literature. This also establishes Frank’s office as a world in which Rita begins to transition and hence, the stage directions simultaneously emulates a metaphor for Rita emphatic catalyst to her transition. Therefore, the exploration of transitions through the character’s interactions in “Educating Rita” enable the portrayal of the phasing into a new life as impactful to their relationships. Strong argument! Everything is well supported.
Similarly, the characters interactions in “Educating Rita” are a way to unveil the consequence of the transition into new social contexts for their ability to embrace freedom and choice. Rita’s dialogue presents an asyndeton as she describes that she, “had a great time, [staying] up all night, talking, [going] all around London, [getting] drunk, [going] to the theatres”, Pg. 49. This in effect increases the tempo in her dialogue in which it creates tension between the responders and within the play. This enables the showcase of her ability to practice free will and choice due to her transition that deepen her understanding of literature, thereby expanding her world in which she takes on to outlive the traditional values of the 1980s society. The subjective line spoken by Rita that “[she] felt young” Pg. 51 establishes the metaphor of being “young”. Thus, it simplifies the nature of her new social context that brings about youthfulness with endless opportunities that allow the experience for choice and freedom. We've talked about a metaphor being established, but that reads a bit weakly to me. Is it an ongoing metaphor that holds great significance? Because currently, it doesn't even look like a metaphor to me, it just looks like she's literally saying she felt young. Perhaps, you could talk about the connotations of young, I think that suits better. But I'm happy to have the metaphor explained more if that is the most suitable technique. During the closing of the play, Frank gifts Rita “a dress” in turn Rita insists to “take ten years off” Pg. 73, Frank. These two gifts and exchanges both symbolise what they have given each other – that is, Frank has given Rita education and the authentic experience of change whilst Rita offers Frank the foundation for his transition. Great analysis. Both thereby, coming in terms to result in harmonisation between freedom and choice in their social contexts. Thus, the interactions of Frank and Rita demonstrate transitions into a new social context as a venture to embrace freedom and choice in order to excel in their society as individuals.
Omar Musa’s slam poetry “Capital Letters” shifts ways in which it conveys the individual’s transitions into a new phase, hence expressing it through the portrayal of its existence only by spontaneity discovery. Musa utilises repetition in conjunction with a crescendo as he articulates; “yet somehow, somehow, I found something”. This in effect creates tension between responders and Musa himself, in order to emulate the moment of spontaneity discovery and the progressive unravelling of the ambiguous “something” that suggests the phenomenon of phasing into a new life. Further to this, Musa reveals the result of his discovery in which he ventures into a world of “underground kings & queens who taught us the power of our voices, of nonconformity”. Musa’s intentional first person pronoun and intense word choice of “power” and “nonconformity” heightens the existence of discovery that allowed Musa to be in a phase of leadership and change. Thus, upbringing the notion for the responders’ “nonconformity” to bring their “power” into their life in order to subvert government’s beliefs towards people as “statistics”, only then they are able to experience the transition into new phase in life. Nice embedding of little quotes, it flows well. Moreover, Musa’s approach to utilise the two and three syllable words and asyndeton creates a smooth, pleasing rhythm as he speaks, “syphoning El Haji Malik El Shabazz., Jimblahs, Deltas & Brad Struts, Ozi Batlas,, Hilltops & Horrorshows, Def Wish Casts & Koolisms”. Musa deliberately engages this as its cohesive use allows the responders to easily formulate a vivid image of the numberless artists and culture in which it emulates the endless discovery of music and culture. This implies the forces within the discovery of music and culture as the catalyst to Musa’s individual transition into the new phase of life. Thus, in Omar’s Musa slam poetry “Capital Letters” he conveys the transitions into a new phase of life through expressing its existence only by spontaneity discovery that ventures into different pathways of opportunity and choice.

Likewise, “Capital Letters” exhibits Musa’s progression into his new social context in which he manifests this through his desire to catalyse a form of transition within the responders. Musa’s line, “So… linger now, linger with me” initially pauses on “so”. This acts as an auditory rest for the responders, which in effect enables a moment of intimacy with Musa. Hence, Musa accomplishes a sense of leadership shown through his decrescendo in his speech suggesting control and adherence that further demonstrates Musa’s intention and desire to present the journey of the transition into social context that consist of freedom and acceptance. In addition, Musa’s metaphor, “weave your stories into nets, drag them behind zig sagging decks” is spoken with a similar syllable count (?) in which it creates a flowing and smooth rhythm, replicating the metaphor’s visual imagery that denotes to the easiness for the responders to eliminate their previous mindsets and beliefs suggesting that they are not necessary for transitions. Hence, through the auditory imagery that triggers the responder’s visual sensory it entices their desire to advance into a new social context. Musa’s confident(?) tone as he addresses that “we are more than ‘your dreams are unrealistic’… this is the new scripture of our lives”. First person pronoun accentuates the inclusiveness between Musa and the responders in order to form a relationship, suggesting commonality. This strengthens the superlative comparison (?) that displays the ability for the responder’s to transform their bleak perspective of life to view it as dynamical and exhilarating. Hence, accompanied by the high modality language evident in present tense of “this is” exhibits urgency for change, Good piggybacking of techniques! emphasising the need for the responder’s role to change their social contexts to successively subvert conformists’ approach to life. Therefore, through Musa’s craftsmanship he is able to express his desire to catalyse change in which it has become his approach to illustrate the complexity of transitioning into a new social context.

In summary, I know some people say it's fine, but I personally try to avoid phrases like "to summarise," "In summary," "In conclusion..." Because I think that usually whatever comes next, can stand on its own. And in this situation, your sentence could definitely stand alone without it it is concluded that the characterisation’s development and interactions within their world has evidently contributed to the depiction of the transitions into a new phase of life and social contexts. Willy Russell’s play “Educating Rita” manifests Frank and Rita to engage on ideas that transitions into a new phase of life can impact relationships in which their new social contexts allow them embrace freedom and choice. On the other hand, Omar Musa’s slam poetry “Capital Letters” encapsulates the progression into a new phase to be present only by discovery conjunctionally with a new social context that leads to a desire for change. Overall, it is satisfied that among texts exploring transitions establishes new beliefs and values.

Your concerns:
-   Overall expression, in particular where I am stating my points (introduction) I thought your introduction was fine, but I do see where expression fails you a bit. I've highlighted some of these areas, where simply taking a word out here or there allows it to flow.
-   Sentence structure and overall form (Form) Take a look at the sentences where I've applauded your analysis and syntax, those are the sentences that tick all of the boxes and are exemplars of your writing ability!
-   Answering the question? I do think you answer it, but I think you could answer it a tinnnnnny bit more. So something you're doing really well is piggybacking techniques, or letting them cumulate. But this means that you can be talking about five different techniques mounting on to each other for five sentences, and then the sixth sentence will be what brings it back to the question. Because you are consistently adding to your argument, it's not the worst. But, I think that if you review your paragraphs and question "In the last two sentences, have I addressed the question directly?" and then edit accordingly, your response will have just that little bit more direction.
-   If my points are relevant. (Ideas) Yes they are!
-   Analysis + explanation = is it weak? Hard to understand? (Language) Adding to the above points, at times it's flawless and other times the language lets you down. All of these are easy fixes.
-   Irrelevant points and sentences. There was only like one sentence which stood out to me as not adding anything, and I pointed it out. (I think that potentially you could benefit from combining more sentences, hybridising them. If you follow the above suggestions by looking at the sentences you do perfectly, I think you'll see a pattern that suits you wonderfully.
-   Strength of the overall argument – is it weak or strong? Or in the middle?
When writing this response, I found it difficult to articulate words and sentences, which is probably shown in my writing. I don’t why I found it hard to write when I usually don’t… Perhaps you need to speak out loud and act as though you're explaining the technique to your friend. Write down exactly what you'd say in your colloquial language, and then as it sits on the screen, adjust it to be the kind of tone you'd use in an essay. I think that there are times when you're trying to sound sophisticated by combining ideas that just aren't flowing for you. I think you know this too, and I've pointed out where this happens. Sometimes you need to delete two sentences, and then rewrite them in different words.

Hopefully this gives you a hand! :)

Hey Elyse!

Thank you! Thank you soooooo soooo much!!!!! Like I CANT EVEN EXPRESS MYSELF... I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A ROAD TO BAND 6 ENGLISH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF YOUR EXPERT GUIDANCE. LOL. No teacher has actually gone through my essay/exam that thorough before and that's why I've always kinda stayed in the same range (B) .

But overall, I've gone through it and make correction as suggested and noted down things I need to watch out for next time I write essays :) It made it so much better omg LOL.

I have one concern, I'll need to submit this assignment on Turnitin. Will it pop up as 100% plagiarism ? ??? :-\

Lowkey knowing that someone from my grade would downloading my essay and stealing my ideas/analysis. >:(

THANK YOU AGAIN ELYSE :) :D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on January 30, 2017, 05:15:48 pm

Quote from: DalvinT on January 30, 2017, 04:24:56 pm

Hey Elyse!

Thank you! Thank you soooooo soooo much!!!!! Like I CANT EVEN EXPRESS MYSELF... I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A ROAD TO BAND 6 ENGLISH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF YOUR EXPERT GUIDANCE. LOL. No teacher has actually gone through my essay/exam that thorough before and that's why I've always kinda stayed in the same range (B) .

But overall, I've gone through it and make correction as suggested and noted down things I need to watch out for next time I write essays :) It made it so much better omg LOL.

I have one concern, I'll need to submit this assignment on Turnitin. Will it pop up as 100% plagiarism ? ??? :-\

THANK YOU AGAIN ELYSE :) :D

I replied to your inbox - But to alleviate your concerns and of those who might read, you are fine. We marked so many essays last year without problems, and more than a few were bound to go through Turnitin. Besides that, this work is yours - It is your account with your name and your email address, your work. You can't possibly plagiarise something that YOU wrote after all ;D

Really happy that the feedback was useful!! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on January 31, 2017, 07:04:41 pm

Quote from: mohanedibrahim1 on January 30, 2017, 05:10:10 pm

Question- This is my English essay in relation to discovery their are two texts within this essay, the main text "Go back to where you came from" by Shaun Tan and " The Arrival" by Ivan O'Mahoney. In this I'm concerned about the techniques, and grammar errors I would appreciate the help thanks.

Discoveries can be sudden, and unexpected, or they can emerge from a process of deliberate and careful planning. Discoveries can be fresh and intensely meaningful in ways that may be emotional, creative, intellectual, physical, and spiritual. The impact of these discoveries can be far-reaching and transformative for the individual and for the broader society.

Hey there! Welcome to the forums :) We require 15 ATAR Notes posts in order to receive a fully marked piece, but I'll give you some super basic pointers in the mean time. Stick around and you'll build up the post count easily!

Firstly, you've got the composers mixed up, O'mahoney is responsible for Go Back :)
You're starting your paragraphs as though you're going through a list, try take out the "to begin" and "firstly" and what not - your paragraphs can start without that. Your introduction takes things directly from the rubric - I think the best approach is to recycle the words from the rubric, not replicate them. So tag them with some original ideas to create a good mix :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 01, 2017, 12:55:51 am

Quote from: DalvinT on January 30, 2017, 04:24:56 pm

Hey Elyse!

Thank you! Thank you soooooo soooo much!!!!! Like I CANT EVEN EXPRESS MYSELF... I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A ROAD TO BAND 6 ENGLISH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF YOUR EXPERT GUIDANCE. LOL. No teacher has actually gone through my essay/exam that thorough before and that's why I've always kinda stayed in the same range (B) .

But overall, I've gone through it and make correction as suggested and noted down things I need to watch out for next time I write essays :) It made it so much better omg LOL.

I have one concern, I'll need to submit this assignment on Turnitin. Will it pop up as 100% plagiarism ? ??? :-\

Lowkey knowing that someone from my grade would downloading my essay and stealing my ideas/analysis. >:(

THANK YOU AGAIN ELYSE :) :D

Hahaha, thanks Dalvin! I love your spirit here on AN. Please, stick around! I love your work :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: 1MARIE1 on February 16, 2017, 08:37:50 pm

Hi, this essay is based on the Area of study. It includes Robert Frost's poems 'Mending Wall' and 'A tuft of flowers' and for my related text, Agnieszka Holland's film 'The Secret garden'.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 16, 2017, 08:51:44 pm

Quote from: 1MARIE1 on February 16, 2017, 08:37:50 pm

Hi, this essay is based on the Area of study. It includes Robert Frost's poems 'Mending Wall' and 'A tuft of flowers' and for my related text, Agnieszka Holland's film 'The Secret garden'.

Hey Marie! Welcome to the forums! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay - Our essay marking rules require 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay you'd like feedback on. This is just to make sure the service doesn't become too clogged and that the markers can keep up! ;D 15 posts might sound like a lot, but if you hang around a bit and ask a few questions, contribute to a few discussions, it will go up really quickly! When it does just let us know and we'll give you some detailed feedback ;D

That said, on a quick read, I think you need to be careful that you aren't just retelling parts of the text. You have a great language style and analysis - But at times it just felt like you were describing characters/plot points, not discussing Discovery in a broader sense ;D hope that little bit of feedback helps until you get the 15 posts up! :)

Title: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: zara.alrobeiy on March 13, 2017, 10:01:54 am

hey, this is my essay fro module A distinctive voices. could you please check it even though it still needs editing and the conclusion is incomplete

Spoiler

Distinctive voices allow composers to convey perspectives of different individuals and groups in a way that prompt audiences to consider alternate views. This experience of new perspectives allows audiences to understand how their own values and attitudes have been influenced by the world around them. Rachel Perkins 2001 Australian music drama ‘One Night the Moon’, conveys social and political stereotypical perspectives of the 1930’s, in order to reveal the negative impact of external attitudes on individuals values. By extension, Malala Yousafzai’s 2012 UN address, offers a personal perspective of overcoming social and political barriers, by providing audiences with a deeper understanding of their own capacity to independently develop a more personalised worldview. Ultimately, albeit diverse in form and context, the effective construction of these unique perspectives in the texts, reveal their usefulness in encouraging audiences to reflect on their own worldviews.

Distinctive voices have the potential to validate or challenge society’s values, in order to promote a political agenda and criticize belief systems. Through the actions of Emily going missing, Perkins creates a platform to discuss global ramifications of the 1930’s. She does this by educating her audience about the need to leave the safety of our parental culture, come into communion with the land and its natives and die to our colonial past. The film is portrayed in a circular structure narrative, with the opening scene presenting the farmer through an overhead shot, alone lamenting and desperately, singing “I don’t know anything anymore”. The articulation of his confusion followed by the time-lapse photography of his inevitable suicide, leads viewers to identify the catalyst to jims downfall as his limited world view. With a tone of loss and uncertainty, this further creates a dramatic irony throughout the film. The voice of racism is reflective of colonial views in the 1930’s “no blacks on my land”. The power of Jim’s racist voice highlights his dominating personality and positioning himself in a commanding position. He takes on a responsibility role of the search for Emily as he feels he is dominant because of his cultural belief systems and ideologies despite knowing albert “can track the shadow of the moon… from the heart to the limits of the land”. The contrast in the use of possessive pronouns in the following song “this land is mine” vs “this land is me” highlights the distinctive difference between the fathers supremacist voice and albert’s spiritual voice. While the settler articulates a defined ownership over the land “all the way to the old fence line” and sings his insistent and desperate refrain of “this land is mine”, the black tracker sings “ this land is me, rock, water, animal, tree” which prompts viewers about the important connections that indigenous people have with the land. Moreover, Perkins film, serves to signal how white Australians might come to find some redemption and comfort for indigenous Australians, by needing to surrender to the lure and mysterious of the country. (348)

By extension, the distinctive voice of Malala engages with the audience and creates a sense of empathy and interest through exploring her experiences and feelings. The kairos of her speech is such that it engages with the audience in a deep and emotional level by expressing her cultural values and beliefs through ‘peace’, ‘education’, and ‘equity’. Like Rachel Perkins, Malala focuses on promoting a political agenda by challenging the audience to recognise that “Islam says its not only each child’s right to get an education, but its their duty” and calling “upon all world leaders to change their strategic policies in favours of peace and prosperity”. Malala’s powerful voice politically asserts that if religion is our moral compass, then its ultimate aim is being education for all, not a few. This causes special warmth and gratitude from the audience towards her, by advocating that it’s the tragedy of knowledge offered and knowledge rejected that “the power of education” lies within. By portraying her own tragic experience, Malala expresses that the knowledge of others creates a fear of unknown for the ‘Taliban’ and by expressing her authorial voice, she speaks so everyone knows the importance of getting an education and gaining the power of knowledge. Malala creates the voice of action through her persuading tone and ability to say “I don’t even hate the Talib that shot me…I would not shoot him” instead she wants to “speak up for the right of education of every child…education for the sons and daughters of all the extremists especially the Taliban”. Despite Malala showing her forgiveness through her use of high modality, she is still identifying that the root of violence is a lack of education, which is grounded in fear.

Distinctive voices are used to represent and develop the relationships between characters and reveal their differences, whilst also revealing their background and longing. Throughout the film Rachel Perkins portrays the power of distinctive voices through diegetic atmosphere landscape sounds. By connecting scenes and the title shots, Perkins gives the landscape a distinctive character and ‘voice’. The films sense of visual melancholy is achieved through the process of bleach bypassing in postproduction, which drains the images of pink tones and gives the landscape a rugged and brooding presence. After the child goes missing, time-lapse photography depicts the clouds rapidly rolling in and nestling on the horizon above the rocky outcrops. This reinforces the harsh weather, which after the passing of every day, further threatens the child’s survival and the difficulties of the environment which she is lost in. Perkins utilises Celtic style instruments as a musical motif of voice to build tension throughout the film and to portray the consequences of Jims social and political actions. Alongside the white settlers’ fear of the Australian environment lies their fear of the indigenous inhabitants. Perkins portrays two contrasting views of Australian landscape, for the white settlers she portrays a barren, vast land in which the settlers are isolated and vulnerable and in contrast she also shows the land through the eyes of the indigenous character, albert, who is able to see minuscule changes and detail in the landscape. Ultimately, Rachel Perkins advocates that by developing a unifying relationship with the base of land, an individuals voice despite silent will be seen as more powerful than those who express their connection by placing barriers.

From the outset of her speech and despite being suppressed, Malala promotes the notion of social justice by providing a voice to the voiceless. Malala’s concerns around the notion of lack of education is also advocated in one night the moon, where Rachel Perkins reinforces through albert’s somber tone that you only “fear what you don’t understand”, which is what Malala’s didactic voice emphasises about the lack of education. Despite promoting education, Malala symbolically speaks about racial oppressed voices by advocating “the important of our voice when we are silenced”. These dualities are represented in one night the moon, where we see albert and rose silenced throughout the majority of the film. The purpose of presenting the oppressed silenced, reinforces the power of words that remain unspoken. The power of the authorial voice speaks for the voiceless disempowered by calling “upon our sisters of the world to be brave” because “we cannot succeed when half of us are held back”. In this Malala’s voice talks of giving everyone the opportunity to succeed in what they want to achieve if they work together towards a goal. The repetitive “dear brothers and sisters…who have raised their voice for their rights” resonates with Martin Luther King’s anaphoric aims of “inspiring all of us to action”. The repetitive anaphoric articulation of “I speak… I raise… their voice… their rights” reinforces the purpose that Malala’s political voice is articulating. Furthermore, by shaping individuals perceptions about the metaphorical “pen is mightier than the sword”, through a powerful political voice, Malala reinforces that despite “the power of the women frightens them…equality will bring into our society”. Ultimately, through her authorial voice, Malala establishes that this equality will serve society rather than disempower the powerful- equality for all will facilitate growth and enrichment for all.

The power of the voice lies in its capacity to open up pathways to new discourses in relations between the colonial past and present and racial relationships. The contrasting view points made by disempowered voices validates how perceptions of others and the world are shaped by social and political class distinctions. Alongside the white settlers fear of the Australian environment lies their fear of the indigenous inhabitant. In One Night the Moon, Perkins portrays Albert as the source of this fear. There is never any suggestion that Albert is a dangerous man, yet Rose in particular shows her fear of him by preventing Emily from waving at him when they pass on the road. The contrast in clothing along with the narrative establishes that the two families are on a parallel trajectory, further enhancing the tension between society’s social and political views as well as creating a mood of deselect. Despite, the two families’ living conditions are on a parallel level, the white family is seen more superior and dominant due to their white social belief system. Perkins attempt in breaking that social constructed barrier between the two races is portrayed through the silent voices of rose and albert, who are able to undergo a journey of redemption and form an alliance. Throughout the first half of the film she is recognised through silence as she accepts her husbands racist attitude towards albert “get the black tracker off my property”. Her silence validates the voice of the oppressed, gender voice that has no say in society. Furthermore, Roses gender voice is also examined when she discovers albert in Emily’s room and orders him to “get out”. Perkins validates Roses’ fear of aboriginal people by enhancing the tempo of the music in order to build tension to portray the disempowered voice of the voiceless albert, who allows the dominant white view to entrap him despite knowing “they’re going the wrong way”. Perkins validates, that despite diverse in ideologies, they are able to come to terms and relinquish their social belief systems and together become stronger in finding Emily’s “bones”. This metaphorical journey they are on to finish “unfinished business” , by relinquishing their social constructs and moving into uncharted territory, is a representation of the national tragedy, where black and white are consolidating reconciliation. Therefor, by stepping out of the framed windows and dreams and abandoning her ‘white’ clothes in her second visit to albert, roses silent voice becomes powerful and albert’s act of surrendering his “swag full of nothing” becomes a voice for guiding the Australian relationships. Rachel Perkins cements the relationship through the dialogue, music, and narrative to remind us of our essential humanity to reconcile and acknowledge the importance of connectedness

Mod Edit: Added spoiler

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 13, 2017, 11:20:35 am

Quote from: zara.alrobeiy on March 13, 2017, 10:01:54 am

hey, this is my essay fro module A distinctive voices. could you please check it even though it still needs editing and the conclusion is incomplete

Hey Zara!

Thanks for posting your essay - I know I was able to mark one of your essays without meeting the 15 post limit previously (see the essay marking rules) but we are a lot busier now, so you'll need to meet that limit for feedback! When you do just let us know and we'll give you some detailed feedback ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: shayal lata on March 14, 2017, 04:56:43 pm

HEY THIS IS THE INTRODUCTION TO MY SPEECH WHICH IS BASED ON THE CLOSE STUDY OF TEXT CAN YOU CHECK WHAT CHANGES NEED TO BE MADE

“I might hit the developmental and societal milestone in a different order compare to my peers, but I'm able to accomplish these small victories on my own time” (by Haley Moss). ‘The curious incident of a dog in a night time’ is a novel written using first person narration, from the perspective of a fifteen-year-old boy Christopher, who is a very unfortunate victim of the Aspergers syndrome. Having the opportunity to work with the people with a disability before encouraged me as an author to expose the world to that 1% of the population who suffer from Aspergers yet are still normal human beings just like you and me. It will be very unfair if we ignore these people based on their disability because at the end of the day it is proven that people withAspergers syndrome are far more intelligent compared to normal human beings.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: kevin2177 on March 22, 2017, 08:05:03 pm

Hey i was wondering could you mark my standard english module A essay. I know it is not finished but could i get a review on this please?
The exact question is How do the distinct images created in texts challenge our understanding of ourselves and our world?

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 22, 2017, 09:03:18 pm

Quote from: shayal lata on March 14, 2017, 04:56:43 pm

HEY THIS IS THE INTRODUCTION TO MY SPEECH WHICH IS BASED ON THE CLOSE STUDY OF TEXT CAN YOU CHECK WHAT CHANGES NEED TO BE MADE

“I might hit the developmental and societal milestone in a different order compare to my peers, but I'm able to accomplish these small victories on my own time” (by Haley Moss). ‘The curious incident of a dog in a night time’ is a novel written using first person narration, from the perspective of a fifteen-year-old boy Christopher, who is a very unfortunate victim of the Aspergers syndrome. Having the opportunity to work with the people with a disability before encouraged me as an author to expose the world to that 1% of the population who suffer from Aspergers yet are still normal human beings just like you and me. It will be very unfair if we ignore these people based on their disability because at the end of the day it is proven that people withAspergers syndrome are far more intelligent compared to normal human beings.

Welcome to the forums Shayal! So sorry it has taken so long to give you a response - I've had a read of your intro and I think it is a good start - Especially like the inclusion of your personal experiences. Establishes a great ethos. Be sure to read your intro aloud LOTS of times to try and spot any grammatical/syntax errors - There are parts of this that don't quite sit right on the ear. Also, since this is a close study of text, you need to explore what the composer of your text is trying to communicate - What ideas are they trying to represent? :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 22, 2017, 09:08:15 pm

Quote from: kevin2177 on March 22, 2017, 08:05:03 pm

Hey i was wondering could you mark my standard english module A essay. I know it is not finished but could i get a review on this please?
The exact question is How do the distinct images created in texts challenge our understanding of ourselves and our world?

Welcome to the forums Kevin! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay - Our essay marking rules require you to have 15 posts for each essay you'd like feedback for. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up ;D

If you hang around the site a bit, I bet you'll reach that threshold in no time :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: mohanedibrahim1 on March 23, 2017, 04:59:52 pm

Question- compose a piece of imaginative writing which explores the unexpected impact of discovery. Use one of the images in the next page as the central element of your writing.

Does this mean that I need to write a whole sophisticated narrative.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 23, 2017, 07:31:40 pm

Quote from: mohanedibrahim1 on March 23, 2017, 04:59:52 pm

Question- compose a piece of imaginative writing which explores the unexpected impact of discovery. Use one of the images in the next page as the central element of your writing.

Does this mean that I need to write a whole sophisticated narrative.

Hey! Yep, you'll likely be writing a narrative - It doesn't necessarily need to have a full beginning-middle-end, but it should be fully formed with a story arc that matches your intentions (EG - you might finish at the climax and skip the resolution) :)

But you could also do a speech, a diary entry, or a feature article! Imaginative writing takes many forms :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Aussie1Italia2 on March 24, 2017, 10:54:27 am

Hi, here's my essay for Module A: Experience Through Language, Elective Distinctive Voices. Can you please make sure everything makes sense? Thank you.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jakesilove on March 25, 2017, 01:16:39 pm

Quote from: Aussie1Italia2 on March 24, 2017, 10:54:27 am

Hi, here's my essay for Module A: Experience Through Language, Elective Distinctive Voices. Can you please make sure everything makes sense? Thank you.

Hey! Check my comments below;

Original Essay

Spoiler

The diverse views on the world can be exhibited through unique voices. These voices can be either negative or positive in nature and which cause the personas and audience to view the world in either a destructive or optimistic light. In Komninos’ poem, ‘back to melbourne’ the personas’ voice is nostalgic in the beginning but turns cynical towards the end. Contrastingly, Nelson Mandela’s speech, ‘Address in Capetown, 1990’ beholds a positive voice filled with justice and the oppressed rising up against the oppressors; Mandela did this speech after being released from three decades as a political prisoner for protesting against Africa’s apartheid and prejudice against people of colour. Thus, both composers utilise their distinctive voices to sway the audience to perceive the world from their perspective.
In ‘back to melbourne’, Komninos coerces the viewer into hearing a nostalgic voice. The use of lists does this as the persona in the poem recounts what he remembers of Melbourne, ‘…carlton cappuccino coffee comfort and the continuing cavalvade of manicured madonnas marching the streets pursued by battalions of Italian stallions…’ and uses this to emphasise how not much has changed over time and the city itself seems to be stuck in a single moment. The emphasis on this causes the audience to be placed into a negative frame of mind. Contrastingly, Mandela’s use of triads in the ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’ puts stress on his voice in being one of justice and equal rights. The quote ‘…peace, democracy and freedom…’ is an example of this and reveals how Mandela sees the world as full of potential and light thus influencing the audience into believing it also.
Komninos ‘back to melbourne’ hints that from the personas’ point of view Melbourne’s own ‘voice’ has not changed. This is revealed via the repetition of ‘same’ through the poem. The repetition leads the audience to consider that Melbourne has not changed which adds to their idea that the voice in the poem is one of nostalgia. Opposingly, in ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’, Mandela changes his dialect from English to Xhosa, a major black South African language. The change in dialect is to remind the audience that he is the voice of the oppressed black South Africans who make up the majority the South African population. This allows the audience that he is performing in front of him (which is made up majorly of black South Africans) to know he is with them even after his time in prison which may have had an adverse effect on him.
The rhyming of ‘…blast into the past…’ in ‘back to melbourne’ draws the audience attention to the voice’s return to a place that he put behind him. It is this that leads the audience to form the idea that the voice may have changed opinion since that moment. This indicates that an individual’s view on the world can change overtime due to numerous positive and negative experiences. Similarly to Komninos’ repetition of ‘same’, Mandela has repeated ‘I salute…’ throughout his speech, this displays his thankfulness to those who continued the fight for equal rights while he was in prison such as the African National Congress (ANC) and various other organisations and individuals. This coerces the audience to be more grateful for the material and non-materials they possess and to perceive the world through rose-coloured glasses.
The quote ‘has-been melbournian’ is a stimulating word choice for Komninos. This shapes the negative tone of the voice in the poem. It clues the audience in to the persona’s dislike for Melbourne and the past. This in turn, unknowingly impacts the viewers to shape their own opinion of the world to be pessimistic in nature. Correspondingly to Komninos enjambment, Mandela has utilised assonance in his speech. An example of this is ‘…other actions of our organisations…’ (the assonance is on the ‘o’) which not only acknowledges the other individuals and organisations contribution to the fight for equal rights amongst black and white people but adds flow and therefore more confidence and conviction to his voice. The confidence and conviction convinces and persuades society to his perception of the world; an optimistic perception.
Henceforth, both composers: Komninos, the poem ‘back to melbourne’ and Nelson Mandela’s ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’ speech have skilfully utilised various techniques, those that have been discussed and have not been discussed, to sway the audience to their perceptions of the world. The poet and speaker do this whether their point of view is despondent or buoyant and overall exhibit original expressions.

Essay with comments

Spoiler

The diverse views on the world can be exhibited through unique voices. These voices can be either negative or positive in nature and which cause the personas and audience to view the world in either a destructive or optimistic light. I'm not sure this sentence makes sense. Do you mean that an individual is capable of perceiving the work in both a positive and negative way, and thus the way a character discusses their perspective will lead to a similar feeling in the audience? Maybe just neaten up the sentence; read it outloud to make sure that it makes sense! In Komninos’ poem, ‘back to melbourne’ the personas’ voice is nostalgic in the beginning but turns cynical towards the end. Contrastingly, Nelson Mandela’s speech, ‘Address in Capetown, 1990’ beholds a positive voice filled with justice and evokes notions of? the oppressed rising up against the oppressors; Mandela did this speech after being released from three decades as a political prisoner for protesting against Africa’s apartheid and prejudice against people of colour. He 'made' the speech. Thus, both composers utilise their distinctive voices to sway the audience to perceive the world from their perspective. Great! The thesis is strong, and easily understood. I think you could rework some of your sentences, just to make them a little less clunky. Read them out loud, and if they sounds a little off, change them. Still, great introduction!

In ‘back to melbourne’, Komninos coerces the viewer into hearing a nostalgic voice. The use of lists does this Instead, when discussing techniques, say something like 'the use of the technique of lists results in...' as the persona in the poem recounts what he remembers of Melbourne, ‘…carlton cappuccino coffee comfort and the continuing cavalvade of manicured madonnas marching the streets pursued by battalions of Italian stallions…’ This quote is way too long; remember that you'll have to memorise this for an essay! and uses this to emphasise how not much has changed over time and the city itself seems to be stuck in a single moment. Great The emphasis on this causes the audience to be placed into a negative frame of mind. Explain a little more. Are they imagining the static nature of time? The dullness of their city? What is the audience feeling? Contrastingly, Mandela’s use of triads in the ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’ puts stress on his voice in being one of justice and equal rights. The quote ‘…peace, democracy and freedom…’ is an example of this and reveals how Mandela sees the world as full of potential and light thus influencing the audience into believing it also. Good, but you need to spend more time on Mandela. Go into more depth regarding the technique, or the emotion that is evoked.

Komninos ‘back to melbourne’ hints that from the personas’ point of view Melbourne’s own ‘voice’ has not changed. Again, rework this sentence. This is revealed via the repetition of ‘same’ through the poem. The repetition leads the audience to consider that Melbourne has not changed which adds to their idea that the voice in the poem is one of nostalgia. Okay, but so what? What is the composer actually trying to display? What will an audience feel? Opposingly, in ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’, Mandela changes his dialect from English to Xhosa, a major black South African language. The change in dialect is to remind the audience that he is the voice of the oppressed black South Africans who make up the majority the South African population. This allows the audience that he is performing in front of him (which is made up majorly of black South Africans) to know he is with them even after his time in prison which may have had an adverse effect on him. You need to spend more time analysing specific techniques. The change in language may be a technique, but if it is you need to find a specific way to emphasise that. Also, remember that an English marker cares about the impact a composer has on their audience. The specific audience of the Mandela speech is slightly relevant, but the general feeling of the piece is far more important.

The rhyming of ‘…blast into the past…’ in ‘back to melbourne’ draws the audience attention to the voice’s return to a place that he put behind him. It is this that leads the audience to form the idea that the voice may have changed opinion since that moment. This indicates that an individual’s view on the world can change overtime due to numerous positive and negative experiences. Similarly to Komninos’ repetition of ‘same’, Mandela has repeated ‘I salute…’ throughout his speech, this displays his thankfulness to those who continued the fight for equal rights while he was in prison such as the African National Congress (ANC) and various other organisations and individuals. This coerces the audience to be more grateful for the material and non-materials they possess and to perceive the world through rose-coloured glasses. Coerce isn't the right word. Coerce has negative connotations. You need to spend more time thinking about specific, relevant, and interesting techniques that the composers use in their work. Repetition is good, but simile/metaphor etc is much better. I would recommend not using repetition multiple times in the same essay.

The quote ‘has-been melbournian’ is a stimulating word choice for Komninos. This shapes the negative tone of the voice in the poem. It clues the audience in This is probably a bit too colloquial to the persona’s dislike for Melbourne and the past. This in turn, unknowingly impacts the viewers to shape their own opinion of the world to be pessimistic in nature. Correspondingly to Komninos enjambment I don't think you've used enjambment correctly here, Mandela has utilised assonance in his speech. An example of this is ‘…other actions of our organisations…’ (the assonance is on the ‘o’ This isn't necessary) which not only acknowledges the other individuals and organisations contribution to the fight for equal rights amongst black and white people but adds flow and therefore more confidence and conviction to his voice. Great, this is exactly what you need more of! Identify the technique, explain the point of the technique, and explain the IMPACT of the technique The confidence and conviction convinces and persuades society to his perception of the world; an optimistic perception.

Henceforth, both composers: Komninos, the poem ‘back to melbourne’ and Nelson Mandela’s ‘Address to Capetown, 1990’ speech have skilfully utilised various techniques, those that have been discussed and have not been discussed ???, to sway the audience to their perceptions of the world. The poet and speaker do this whether their point of view is despondent or buoyant and overall exhibit original expressions.

Good essay overall, but you could definitely improve it in sections (see my comments above). I think it might be worth rereading your texts again, to see if you can find some more interesting techniques. English teachers love to see a variety of techniques, rather than just multiple instances of the same techniques. I would rework your conclusion; it isn't really a clear continuation of your thesis.
I've only really included things that I think you could improve on, because there's no point telling you you're amazing everytime you write something good! It's a great essay, with areas that you can improve. Good luck!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: arunasva on May 01, 2017, 02:12:33 pm

Discoveries may compel individuals to affirm, or challenge, their perspectives on themselves and the wider world.

New experiences may lead to fresh understandings.Through such understandings individuals gain new ideas and outlooks which can challenge their previously held beliefs. At times these experiences may also lead to confronting revelations which challenge people’s beliefs thereby impacting them. Discoveries may involve new and confronting revelations which affect people by changing their perceptions on themselves and the world and hence their character. This is highlighted in Ernesto Guevara’s autobiography “The Motorcycle Diaries” which outlines the blooming of his personality with his journey around Latin American and Edgar Allan Poe’s gothic horror story “Tell Tale Heart” where an unknown narrator attempts to convince the reader that he is sane by narrating a story of him committing a murder.

Discoveries may encompass confronting revelations which are impactful. Individuals may undergo experiences which are unpleasant. These create understandings which are difficult to face and accept therefore influencing people’s values and perceptions. In The Motorcycle Diaries, Ernesto encounters various experiences which are distressing and such encounters shape his outlook on the world around him and himself. He encounters poverty for the first time in Valparaiso and says “Our distended nostrils inhaled the poverty with sadistic intensity.” The use of a rhetoric device of synesthesia and a subjective voice in these lines depict the intensity of his disappointment at having encountered such a harsh discovery therefore suggesting how discoveries can have considerable impacts. A similar confronting discovery is made when Ernesto discovers the ill treatment of the indigenous Indians and refers to them as “a cargo of human livestock…” His expression here with the use of a metaphor objectifies the Indians and hence shows how he was so dismayed by their treatment that he compared them to animals. Such confronting experiences were so influential that they evoked strong emotions from Ernesto.

In the “Tell Tale Heart” the narrator makes confronting discovery and like Ernesto and the discovery has strong impacts on him. The story begins in medias res that is abruptly as the narrator says True! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous...why will you say that I am mad?” Through this the author draws attention to the narrator’s very unusual and emphatic speech, implying he is mentally unstable. Furthermore the repetition of the word “mad” in phrases such as “How, then, am I mad?” also stresses on the narrator insanity. However since the discovery of his true state is of a conflicting nature it impacts the narrator significantly, as he becomes heavily delusional. Through the symbolism of “the eye” the author shows the effects of a confronting discovery. “The eye” with a film over it represented the denial of the truth by the narrator and when the narrator murdered the old man because of his eye, it symbolised how confronting discoveries can have such deep impacts that they change people and influence their actions. Both Ernesto and the unknown narrator make confronting discoveries, although it does have varying impacts on both of them, the impacts are very intense, hence confronting discoveries can have powerful effects.

Discoveries may involve new experiences which instill new values in individuals. By discovering something new, individuals gain new understandings which accordingly reform an individual's mindset. Having previously led a bourgeois lifestyle, when Ernesto endures hardships for the first time in his journey, it enriches his morales and he gains new values. When he comes across a communist couple whom he describes as “numb with cold, huddling up against each other in the desert night” he says they are a “living representation of the proletariat...” Here we see that by enduring new ordeals he has gained new ideals as he is able to empathise with a poor suffering couple. The use of analogy to compare them to the proletariat reveals how he gained new political and economical ideals, something he previously lacked. Hence, new experiences gave him different ideals and beliefs.

Discoveries change individuals’ perceptions and hence change their character. When an individual changes their outlook on the world their personality also changes. This is evident in The Motorcycle Diaries. When Ernesto initially sets out on the journey he says “...Distant countries, heroic deeds and beautiful women spun around and around in our turbulent imaginations…” Here there is a very youthful tone in his voice. Moreover, his perceptions of the world around him are also immature. However, once he discovers hardship and pain he matures and gains a new perception of the world. For an instance when he visits Chuquicamata he compares it to a “ scene from a modern drama.” referring to the severe oppression of the people and the sadness they endure. This shows the newer level of understanding he gains, as he begins to understand the reality of the world. Also his earlier words create an impression of a youthful traveller, yet at the end of the book he says “when the great guiding spirit cleaves humanity into two antagonistic halves, I will be with the people.” Here he uses a much more mature tone and his words present him as an experienced person who is aware of his purpose in life, hence there is a change in his character.
In Tell Tale Heart, the protagonist constantly maintains a very cold and emotionless tone. He seems to have no humane feelings other than anger and anxiety. This is evident, when he brags about killing the old man. “I was never kinder to the old man than during the whole week before I killed him.” This tone continues, until he discovers the sound of the heartbeat. Throughout the story, when he encountered that sound, there were sudden character. Talking about the heartbeat he says ,“The old man's terror must have been extreme!” Here he suddenly displays the quality of empathy something not seen throughout the story. Therefore the heart was a representation of the guilt within the narrator, something he discovers through his experiences and finally this cause him to change to the point that he admits his deed. Like Ernesto, the narrator’s character was influenced by the discovery that he made.

Therefore discoveries influence people in a variety of ways. Due to their confronting nature discoveries can challenge individuals’ understandings and perceptions. Furthermore, by exposing them to newer experiences they can instill new values in people. These impacts tend to be so grave that they lead to the change in character of individuals and give them new values and outlooks of themselves and the world around them.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 01, 2017, 02:45:41 pm

Quote from: arunasva on May 01, 2017, 02:12:33 pm

Discoveries may compel individuals to affirm, or challenge, their perspectives on themselves and the wider world.

Hey arunasva! You are a few posts short of feedback, you need 15 to qualify for an essay marked! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: arunasva on May 13, 2017, 09:05:39 pm

Quote from: jamonwindeyer on May 01, 2017, 02:45:41 pm

Hey arunasva! You are a few posts short of feedback, you need 15 to qualify for an essay marked! :)

posts that help others ? or anything ?

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 13, 2017, 11:56:20 pm

Quote from: arunasva on May 13, 2017, 09:05:39 pm

posts that help others ? or anything ?

Pretty much anything (that isn't spammy) - You qualify now! We'll get you feedback on this asap :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 15, 2017, 12:05:55 am

Quote from: arunasva on May 01, 2017, 02:12:33 pm

Discoveries may compel individuals to affirm, or challenge, their perspectives on themselves and the wider world.

Hey!! Your essay is attached with comments in the spoiler below:

Spoiler

Discoveries may compel individuals to affirm, or challenge, their perspectives on themselves and the wider world.

New experiences may lead to fresh understandings. What sort of fresh understandings? Of what? Be sure to be specific. Through such understandings individuals gain new ideas and outlooks which can challenge their previously held beliefs. What is the difference between understandings, outlooks, ideas and beliefs? A lot of these terms mean very similar things so it's impacting the clarity of your ideas. At times these experiences may also lead to confronting revelations which challenge people’s beliefs thereby impacting them. Again, too vague - Experiences of what? Impacting them how? Discoveries may involve new and confronting revelations which affect people by changing their perceptions on themselves and the world and hence their character. Not 100% clear what you mean by this, "hence their character," do you mean it impacts how they are portrayed? This is highlighted in Ernesto Guevara’s autobiography “The Motorcycle Diaries” which outlines the blooming of his personality with his journey around Latin American and Edgar Allan Poe’s gothic horror story “Tell Tale Heart” where an unknown narrator attempts to convince the reader that he is sane by narrating a story of him committing a murder. Try and add a more conclusive final sentence - Right now, especially with the ambiguity in your earlier sentences, I'm not 100% clear on exactly what your essay will be arguing.

Discoveries may encompass confronting revelations which are impactful. As with your intro, this is quite vague - Impactful how? What sort of revelations? Individuals may undergo experiences which are unpleasant. How does this relate to your prior sentence? Feels a little out of place. These create understandings which are difficult to face and accept therefore influencing people’s values and perceptions. In The Motorcycle Diaries, Ernesto encounters various experiences which are distressing and such encounters shape his outlook on the world around him and himself. He encounters poverty for the first time in Valparaiso and says “Our distended nostrils inhaled the poverty with sadistic intensity.” Try not to retell the plot - Only the quote is the important bit so you can extract and analyse the technique. The use of a rhetoric device of synesthesia and a subjective voice in these lines depict the intensity of his disappointment at having encountered such a harsh discovery therefore suggesting how discoveries can have considerable impacts. Good analysis! Still a little vague though, what impacts? I want you to be really specific with what you are saying. A similar confronting discovery is made when Ernesto discovers the ill treatment of the indigenous Indians and refers to them as “a cargo of human livestock…” His expression here with the use of a metaphor objectifies the Indians and hence shows how he was so dismayed by their treatment that he compared them to animals. Putting the quote and technique in the same sentence would improve your clarity. Such confronting experiences were so influential that they evoked strong emotions from Ernesto. What emotions? Again, be specific - And again make sure to have a proper conclusion to your paragraphs. "Thus, ______."

In the “Tell Tale Heart” the narrator makes confronting discovery and like Ernesto and the discovery has strong impacts on him. Vague. The story begins in medias res that is abruptly as the narrator says True! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous...why will you say that I am mad?” I think a little expression issue at the start there? Through this the author draws attention to the narrator’s very unusual and emphatic speech, implying he is mentally unstable. What does this show abotu Discovery as a whole, beyond the text? Furthermore the repetition of the word “mad” in phrases such as “How, then, am I mad?” also stresses on the narrator insanity. Good analysis! How does this relate to Discovery? However since the discovery of his true state is of a conflicting nature it impacts the narrator significantly, as he becomes heavily delusional. Try not to just explore the impacts on the narrator - You need to explore impacts on audience, why it is important to the reader. Through the symbolism of “the eye” the author shows the effects of a confronting discovery. “The eye” with a film over it represented the denial of the truth by the narrator and when the narrator murdered the old man because of his eye, it symbolised how confronting discoveries can have such deep impacts that they change people and influence their actions. Watch for retell/recount - You can tell because you switched to past tense. Both Ernesto and the unknown narrator make confronting discoveries, although it does have varying impacts on both of them, the impacts are very intense, hence confronting discoveries can have powerful effects. Again, the impact isn't explored with enough detail in the paragraph.

Discoveries may involve new experiences which instill new values in individuals. By discovering something new, individuals gain new understandings which accordingly reform an individual's mindset. These two sentences say essentially the same thing. Having previously led a bourgeois lifestyle, when Ernesto endures hardships for the first time in his journey, it enriches his morales and he gains new values. Retell and vague. When he comes across a communist couple whom he describes as “numb with cold, huddling up against each other in the desert night” he says they are a “living representation of the proletariat...” Retell -
Don't just tell me what happened! Here we see that by enduring new ordeals he has gained new ideals as he is able to empathise with a poor suffering couple. The use of analogy to compare them to the proletariat reveals how he gained new political and economical ideals, something he previously lacked. The technique being two sentences away from the quote is really tricky for the marker to follow - Again, try and get them in the same sentence!Hence, new experiences gave him different ideals and beliefs.

Discoveries change individuals’ perceptions and hence change their character. When an individual changes their outlook on the world their personality also changes. This is evident in The Motorcycle Diaries. When Ernesto initially sets out on the journey he says “...Distant countries, heroic deeds and beautiful women spun around and around in our turbulent imaginations…” Retell. Here there is a very youthful tone in his voice. Try not to assign techniques to characters - It is the composer who makes these decisions, all recognition goes to them. Moreover, his perceptions of the world around him are also immature. However, once he discovers hardship and pain he matures and gains a new perception of the world. Retell. For an instance when he visits Chuquicamata he compares it to a “ scene from a modern drama.” referring to the severe oppression of the people and the sadness they endure. Technique? This shows the newer level of understanding he gains, as he begins to understand the reality of the world. How is this important for the audience as a whole? Do we only learn about the character, and not a wider idea? Also his earlier words create an impression of a youthful traveller, yet at the end of the book he says “when the great guiding spirit cleaves humanity into two antagonistic halves, I will be with the people.” Here he uses a much more mature tone and his words present him as an experienced person who is aware of his purpose in life, hence there is a change in his character.

In Tell Tale Heart, the protagonist constantly maintains a very cold and emotionless tone. Make sure all your paragraphs have a proper introduction, to keep the marker's thoughts organised! He seems to have no humane feelings other than anger and anxiety. This is evident, when he brags about killing the old man. “I was never kinder to the old man than during the whole week before I killed him.” This tone continues, until he discovers the sound of the heartbeat. Retell. Throughout the story, when he encountered that sound, there were sudden character. Expression issue there? Talking about the heartbeat he says ,“The old man's terror must have been extreme!” Here he suddenly displays the quality of empathy something not seen throughout the story. Retell - You aren't providing techniques! Therefore the heart was a representation of the guilt within the narrator, something he discovers through his experiences and finally this cause him to change to the point that he admits his deed. Like Ernesto, the narrator’s character was influenced by the discovery that he made.

Therefore discoveries influence people in a variety of ways. Perhaps provide some examples? Due to their confronting nature discoveries can challenge individuals’ understandings and perceptions. Furthermore, by exposing them to newer experiences they can instill new values in people. These impacts tend to be so grave that they lead to the change in character of individuals and give them new values and outlooks of themselves and the world around them.

So my comments throughout pretty much cover what I'd suggest to you - I think your biggest issue is being a little vague with your concepts, you are quite broad and not really going into specifics with your arguments. Try to hone in and be specific with what you are talking about as much as possible! ;D also watch for places where you are just retelling the text or talking about the characters - You need to go bigger, what does the audience learn? What does the composer do to influence our thoughts on Discovery? :)

Your analysis was really good in some sections, and I've indicated that within! It was when you ignored plot and just looked at techniques. Remember, good analysis goes to TEA (Technique, Explain, Audience) - Give a technique for your quote, explain what the technique(s) does to further a concept, and acknowledge what the audience learns as a result ;D

I hope this feedback helps! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: 12noble on May 24, 2017, 04:02:03 pm

Hey so I have my Module A essay coming up involving Henry Lawson and my related text! just wondering if these paragraphs have been written well or make any sense? I'm not going off a question and have no intro or conclusion! i just have a paragraph for each of my three key ideas! if you could give any thoughts, i'd appreciate it so much as my teacher isnt responding to my emails!

Every text can represent a reality and the hardships may be represented through the characters. These challenges are built upon a frame that represents the stereotypes of our society. In Henry Lawson’s short story, “The Drover’s Wife”, he emphasises the hardship faced by a challenged female. He incorporates the empathic image, “she makes a bed on the kitchen table,” to symbolise that she wants to be strong and courageous by is framed by weak feminist stereotypes. Similarly, Lawson has a repeated idea in his story, “In a Dry Season.” He uses the unemployed to start as happy people as they reach employment, but then dispels this cheerfulness when they reach the station. “He travels for a night and day without a bite to eat, and, on arrival, he finds that the station is eighty or a hundred miles away.” The repetition of an empathic image, shows Lawson’s passion for representing the people who faced hardships in rural Australia. He is opening our eyes to feel sorry for them through these distinctive images. In perspective, Shane Koyczan has the same approach in representing the challenges that teens face throughout their school years. He as well uses a visual empathic image, of a young girl with a shadow expressing the term ‘ugly.’ This shows the unrecognisable side of her that is framed by the weak stereotypes that Lawson constructs. This girl is stuck with the idea that she is ‘ugly’ and becomes a reflection of her self belief. Both composers use images to covey the confronting experiences experienced by women by building a stereotype that they believe they must obligate themselves to.

Composers incorporate distinctively visual images into their texts to convey their beliefs. In this scenario, Henry Lawson, composer of “The Drover’s Wife,” has described a dry environment rather than romanticising Australia’s rural areas. The anaphora “Bush all round-bush with no horizon, for the country is flat,” contributes to the repeated visual of hopelessness. This shows that the landscape is endless and monotonous with ‘no ranges’, a metaphor for no hope or opportunity to be worked towards. Lawson carries on the sense of monotony in his short story, “In a Dry Season.” Lawson is able to use the instructional verb, “draw a wire fence” which provides active responders in the construction of the distinctive image. This is showing that Australia is picturesque as an art form, but isn’t however a nice place to live. The conveyed feeling of monotony leads the reader to realise the towns are all very similar, giving a sense of desolation and despair about how life in the bush is developed. Shane Koyczan presents a similar idea about the bare environment that is high school. “But I wanted to tell them that all of this is just debris,” is a metaphor that is describing the broken pieces of the school. Koyczan is suggesting that all of the broken souls and bullied individuals are just pieces of rubbish. There is no hope for these people and their emotions can’t make a come back. “but the school halls were a battleground” is another poignant image used to reveal the horrible environment that society is faced with. Like war, there is only so much hope for survival, whilst living in conditions that are almost unbearable. Lawson and Koyczan have both work towards being truthful about the harsh realities that people face in reality. This is done through distinctive images that represent their thoughts and describe the bare harshness of the surrounding environment.

A shift in perspective allows for readers to see different views on issues that people are facing, and introduces the idea of providing a voice for themselves and others. Henry Lawson, writer of “The Drover’s Wife,” uses this story to provide a voice for rural women. He shifts our perspective into a world where a woman is defined by weakness and reliability on men, and instead shapes a visual of a courageous, resilient colonial woman. Lawson uses symbolism of the ‘ladies journal’ to juxtapose with masculine imagery of “she put on a pair of her husband’s trousers.” This presents a visual of a colonial female playing the role of the protector of her family. This unnamed protagonist enables us to visualise not only the wife but all women living in Australia in the 19th century. Similiarly, Lawson wrote “In a Dry Season,” using a first person narrator to describe the people he passes. “Slop sac suits, red faces, and old-fashioned, flat-brimmed hats, with wire round the brims,” describes their clothing to create a mental picture for the audience. His shift in perspective on different groups tells us about the characters, and from this we can speculate that the stories are an autobiography of Lawson himself and these experiences are from his only trip to the ‘outback’. Shane Koyczan wrote “To This Day,” using a similar style of narration, by shifting the perspective. He states “when I was a kid,” to “she was eight years old”, followed by “he was a broken branch.” This shift tells a personal story, to a girl with a deformity and the adopted suicidal boy. Through these personal stories, he is able to parallel Lawson in providing a voice for those who don’t have one. Koyczan is expressing the idea that the hardships his protagonists are facing, are worldwide, and trying to put an end to a serious issue. Both composers have attempted to make a different to stand up for colonial, hardworking women, or for all kids being bullied through school.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 24, 2017, 09:44:08 pm

Quote from: 12noble on May 24, 2017, 04:02:03 pm

Hey so I have my Module A essay coming up involving Henry Lawson and my related text! just wondering if these paragraphs have been written well or make any sense? I'm not going off a question and have no intro or conclusion! i just have a paragraph for each of my three key ideas! if you could give any thoughts, i'd appreciate it so much as my teacher isnt responding to my emails!

Hey 12noble! Welcome to the forums! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay - We have a requirement in our essay marking rules that users have 15 posts for every essay they'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up and invest the 30 mins - 1 hour we like to spend marking them.

If you hang around the site, you'll get up to 15 posts in no time! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Maddy Cate on July 19, 2017, 09:59:04 am

This essay is for Module C- Exploring Transitions
I just want to make sure my structure and paragraphs are making sense and i don't have too little or too much information throughout the essay.

Transitions may be hard yet the outcome can be worthwhile for an individual. Discuss this view with reference to Billy Elliot and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

The film “Billy Elliot” portrays the transition of father and son through the key ideas of masculinity and maturity. Both characters face obstacles and hardships that harden their final transition and acceptance to a new world. The film displays narrow thinking and difficulty of both characters as they find difficulty completing their journey. In addition the short story “Marigolds” shares key ideas of maturity and a change in perception of characters as they enter new phases that broadens their understanding of each other. Both texts portray journeys that contain obstacles and gradual progress of characters into a new world that becomes worthwhile and anticipated.

The film Billy Elliot explores the idea of hardship through the character of Jackie as he begins a transition of understanding that would be worthwhile for himself and his son as he opens up about his love for Ballet.The character Jackie is seen to be halted by many obstacles including himself on his way to transition, for example his views of masculinity and the views of boys doing ballet in that period of time. The use of mid shot portrayed in the scene of the father discovering Billy doing Ballet expresses the father's anger towards ballet “Lads do football, boxing, wrestling… not freaking ballet” the listing of the sports suggests that males must be violent and tough. Furthermore the euphemism of “freaking” suggests his anger and his frustration that his son can't see the concept of gender the same way as him. The facial expression highlights his anger and opposition to his son which moreover explores that Jackie is stuck and can not see the end and fulfillment of the transition. In addition the series of rapid cuts between both the world of ballet and the violence of the strikers is displayed through the scene of Jackie and his fellow miners striking as it serves to reinforce the gulf between the two worlds. The aerial shot of the picket line is contrasted with the power and grace of Billy’s dance moves, the use of Jackie's language “You! Out! now!” highlights his anger at his son for not fulfilling his masculine role. This shows that the ideas Jackie holds are holding him back from transitioning and accepting his son for what he loves. Additionally the deep breathing and close-up shot of Jackie's anxious face as he decides to go back to the mines portrays how much the decision of going back to work has cost this strongly principled man and further portrays his gradual transition to accepting his son “He is only a little boy, he could be a fucking genious for all we know”. Through Jackie's language we see his journey to overcome his own misconceptions and established principles. Besides the obstacles that had held Jackie back from making a full transition it is the final phase that allows him to complete his journey and accept his son for what he loves, the mid shot of Jackies face and the rapid cuts between Billy and Jackie signifie his total acceptance of dance. The emotion is his face signifies his final transition into this new world of ballet and his understanding of male masculinity. The character Jackie portrays a gradual transition as he contemplates the hardships of entering a new world that would be worthwhile for both the father and son.

The short story “Marigolds” however does not display the key ideas of masculinity but does portray an understanding as characters are shown to change perception in one another which shows a worthwhile transition. The transition of thought of the character Lizabeth as she discovers that her perception of Ms Lottie has been wrong which further links to “Billy Elliot” as Jackie perceptions change towards Ballet as he leaves behind the old traditional views of masculinity. By entering a new phase in her life Elizabeth is able to see the other side of Ms Lottie that has been hidden and further sees a worthwhile person that she had neglected for all years. The use of the metaphor of the witch “The witch was no longer a witch but only a broken old women.” portrays to the reader the change in perception of the old lady from the girl's point of view. Further the juxtaposition contributes the transition in thoughts as she grows older and her narrow mindedness changes to a more open and accepting mind. This portrays to the reader that the girl has learnt new and worthwhile ideas things the other character as she enters new phases of her life this signifies to Billy Elliot through the character Jackie as he becomes open minded to Ballet through the experiences encountered. Moreover the use of simile “For one does not have to be ignorant and poor to find that life is as barren as the dusty yards of our town” shows that the girl has finalised her tradition by accepting her environment and seeing that it wasn't what she first thought it was while growing up As the character transitions she has been exposed to new and different experiences that have been worthwhile as it caused for her thoughts to change both positively and negatively towards the town and environment she has been brought up in. Furthermore The Marigold metaphor “And i have too planted marigolds” allows an insight of the main character as her perceptions change of the old lady and the use of marigold explores their similarities where she thought there were only differences, this resembles the character of Jackie in Billy Elliot as his perceptions change of the world of Ballet and his once narrow mind has begun to become more open. Overall the short story Marigolds show a worthwhile experience for the character as she transitions into a new world where new perceptions are made that were once negative.

Moreover the character “Billy in Billy Elliot” explores worthwhile transitions through dance, dance acts a metaphor for moving forward in life and leaving hindering obstacles behind.Billy Elliot explores the transition of the individual Billy as he makes the journey to maturity through dance. Billy is seen to make a full transition through the idea of Ballet and the ideology that follows for example the stereotypes of girls dancing and boys playing contact sport. Firstly camera zooming in to focus on the dancer’s feet and then to Billy’s boxing boots as Billy enters his first dance lesson portrays a visual metaphor and further reinforces that Billy does not belong to this world “Boots off… Go on i dare you… Hold it Hold it… nice straight legs”. The curiosity begins his journey and his gradual transition to the world of ballet, although at first he is seen to be resistant at first as he doesn't see the positive outcomes that will follow Furthermore Billy is stuck in the middle of worlds as he trapped with past feelings of failure and the ideas of his family upon him this is clearly illustrated through the private lesson with Mrs Wilkinson and Billy is seen to be distant and distracted “I can’t do it, that's because you’re not concentrating”, the long shot of the change room adds to the feeling of being trapped through the symbolism of the closed door. Moreover the symbolism of the door tells the audience how obstacles are hindering Billy’s final movement as he can't see the future as he is stuck through challenging obstacles. Furthermore the close up of Billy’s dance expresses to the audience his gradual transition into the new world of ballet and his maturity which is further explored through the rule of three “like a fire, like a bird, like electricity” which invites the positive transition as he moves past the negative memories and obstacles that had chained him to the past. In addition the soft melodic use of the piano expresses his transition as he is seen to have an emotional transition from negative to positive world. Finally the crescendoing music of swan lake in the final scene of the movie expresses the completion of Billy’s final transition into a new environment. Moreover the use of the low angle shot and slow motion of the jump acts as a metaphor for Billy making the final step towards the transition and signifies his power as he enters into the new world of Ballet and maturity as he is seen to be comfortable and at ease. Overall Billy makes a full transition that is worthwhile and further leads to him live a freer life with no obstacles trying to stop him.

Finally “Marigolds” also illustrates a worthwhile transition as the characters moves from childhood to womanhood both mentally and physically as she is exposed to new experiences that she was sheltered from as a child. The accumulation of the emotions that Lizabeth felt “Joy and rage and wild animal gladness and shame become tangled together in the multicolored skein of fourteen-going-on-fiftee” highlights her childhood and immaturity which further resembles Billy at the beginning of the movie and his thoughts of Ballet, this portrays that both characters were both hindered from making a transition they can not see over the obstacles holding them. The dashes and childish way of saying fourteen going on fifteen further illustrates her immaturity. This allows an insight for the reader as the character Lizabeth has yet to make her transition and is still in the stage of immaturity. Furthermore the metaphor of the cage”I said before that we children were not consciously aware of how thick were the bars of our cage” illustrates her hindsight of the childhood shackles that she is under. This a key motif that is used in the short story that indicates clearly how her older self is looking back on her younger self. This reminiscing highlights how she changed from childhood to womanhood. Further this shows that the character Lizabeth has moved through phases of her life and is seen to be more mature as she is able to gain a worthwhile understanding of her surroundings and is able to broaden her ideas and understandings. Finally the accumulation indicates clearly the final act of maturity that happened for Lizabeth which is similar to Billy as he makes his final transition at the end of the film and is open and comfortable in his new world, they are both able to overcome hovering obstacles that haltered them. Through listing the conditions in which she was accustomed to and the cliche of ‘god knows what’ reveals that she has matured and understood her childish act was just that…. Childish. This portrays to the audience the difficulty of making a worthwhile transition from childhood to womanhood as she broadens her mind to new experiences.

Overall both texts “Billy Elliot” and “Marigolds” portray a journey of characters both physically and mentally. In both texts characters are stopped by obstacles that change their journeys significantly but it is the catalyst of mentors that allow the transition to be completed ad worthwhile, this is shown through different experiences that contribute to halting or pushing forward the transition.

Thank you :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 19, 2017, 12:06:47 pm

Quote from: Maddy Cate on July 19, 2017, 09:59:04 am

This essay is for Module C- Exploring Transitions
I just want to make sure my structure and paragraphs are making sense and i don't have too little or too much information throughout the essay.

Hey Maddy!

Thanks for posting your essay - We have a requirement in our essay marking rules that right now users need to have 25 posts on ATAR Notes for every essay they'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up and invest the 30 mins - 1 hour we like to spend marking them, in the lead up to the busy trial period :)

If you hang around the site, you'll get up to those posts in no time! ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jhaccount_ on July 20, 2017, 09:52:36 pm

Analyse how personalities and attitudes are conveyed by the use of distinctive voices in the test you have studied. In your response, make detailed reference to your prescribed text.

Banjo Paterson creates a distinctive Australian voice presented through humorous attitude and tone, portraying that individual’s personalities and attitudes shape today’s Australian society. This is evident in Banjo Paterson poems, ‘Clancy of the Overflow’, ‘Mulga Bills Bicycle’ and ‘A Bush Christening’ as through their poems, individuals can start to hear the distinctive voice’s which is illustrated through language techniques and dialogue. Through these distinctive voices, individuals can understand how personalities and attitudes are created and the effect these have on impacting and shaping the Australian society.

Distinctive voices presented by Banjo Paterson within his characters use humorous attitude’s which shape an individual’s personality and manner. This is first illustrated in the poem, A Bush Christening by Banjo Paterson which explores religion which is presented in a comical context. The poem presents to the audience a family whose son hasn’t been christened and the thought of him dying without doing so puts stress and pressure on the family as they don’t want their son going to ‘hell.’ The son runs away to hide himself from the chaos as his family as well as a priest who comes searching for him to christen him, “here the youngster ran out, and the priest gave a shout.” The pun, ‘priest gave a shout’ gives reference to calling for drinks from the bar as this is a typical word associated with drinking. Irony is evident as the priest is trying to christen this boy while making drinking references when this is the opposite of what priests usually do. The hilarity of this implies that through the humorous attitude individuals view the personality and the attitude through the distinctive voice. In the poem, Clancy and the Overflow which is a romanticised view of the story of a drover, living under the stars, the opposite of the dreary life of a city solicitor, it presents the humorous attitude through distinctive voice. By the end of the novel, the protagonist moves from the outback lifestyle to the city life, “but I doubt he’d suit the office.” The use of play on words of ‘suit’ adds humour to the poem as the protagonist has switched locations and moved from a drover to a city solicitor. In the poem, Mulga Bills Bicycle, about a cycler who turns out to be a lot worse than he says he is, a crash had sent him back to his old form of transport, a horse. Mulga is an arrogant man who talks himself up and believes he is a better cycler than he is, “I’m good all round at everything … although im not the one to talk – I hate a man that blows.” The use of irony is apparent, as he decides to talk himself up about being all rounded although he doesn’t like when people are bragging about their talents. The absurdity of the poem shows the confident personality and humorous attitude that Mulga has towards his bicycle incident. Individuals who have been shaped through personality and attitudes which are humorous to readers, are able to learn a greater understanding of the distinctive voices which shape the Australian society.

Having a limited educated can present to the audience a distinctive voice which illustrates the personality and attitude of an uneducated individual. This is first presented in the poem, a bush Christening by Banjo Paterson as the son of two religious parents has a limited understanding about religion. His parents want him to be christening so they don’t have the worry or fear of him going to ‘hell’ but the son disapproves, “what the divil and all is the christenin’?” Banjo Paterson creates a distinctive voice for the son through the misspelt words of ‘divil’ and ‘christenin’ which depicts his Irish accent. The rhetorical question shows the lack of knowledge about being christened as well as the purpose of why his parents want him to go through with it. Further, in the poem, the pace speeds up as the priest and the parents are looking for their son to be able to christen him. When he comes out of hiding, “the priest, as he fled, flung a flask at his head that was labelled ‘Maginnis Whisky’,” which is alluding to the action that the son finally got christened by the priest. The use of alliteration in ‘fled, flung a flask’ creates emphasis of the action of the son getting christened and his sins being whipped clean. Irony is shown as the name ‘Maginnis Whisky’ is not religious at all implying a different way to be christened which reflects the isolation and uneducated attitude within the bush. In the poem, Mulga Bills Bicycle, the limited knowledge of the protagonist is evident through his ridiculous questions. As Mulga Bill is talking about how riding is his special gift and how ‘good’ he believes he is at riding a bicycle, he states, “just ask a wild duck if it can swim, a wildcat if it can fight.” The personification in his statement conveys that through a lack of educated or knowledge, it is presented through Mulgas personality and attitude towards life. Individuals who lack knowledge are able to notice it through their personality and attitude due to their distinctive voice.

In Australia’s society, the distinctive nature and voice of an individual is presented through their personality and attitude, indicating to audiences that they have an Australian background. This is first presented in A Bush Christening by Banjo Paterson as through the use of Australian vernacular and comical Australian slang and expression, audiences get an idea of the distinctive voice within an individual. As the son of the religious parents is hiding so he doesn’t have to be christened, “he lay there as snug as a bug in a rug.” The simile and use of the idiom shows that this family is from the bush and have an awareness of the common phrases which are used amongst Australian’s. This is also evident in the poem, Clancy and the Overflow as the protagonist was previously living the bush life but wants to transition to living in the city. While he is living in the bush a letter had stated, “Clancy’s gone to Queensland droving, and we don’t know where he are.” The low modality of ‘don’t know’ illustrates the distinctive voice of the bush vernacular of how the city solicitor doesn’t know where Clancy is gone as he has debts which need to be paid back. Through living in the bush or being an Australian, the distinctive voice presented through personality and attitudes shows the identity of the individual and their Australian vernacular.

Through these distinctive voices, individuals can understand how personalities and attitudes are created and the effect these have on impacting and shaping the Australian society. This is evident in Banjo Paterson poems, ‘Clancy of the Overflow’, ‘Mulga Bills Bicycle’ and ‘A Bush Christening’ as through their poems, individuals can now hear the distinctive voice’s which is illustrated through language techniques and dialogue. Banjo Paterson creates a distinctive Australian voice presented through humorous attitude and tone, portraying that individual’s personalities and attitudes shape today’s Australian society.

Hopefully i can get some feedback on if my ideas make sense, or if i need more analysis etc thanks

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: vanessa mbogo on July 21, 2017, 09:16:17 pm

This essay if for module A discovery
can you please help me correct my essay and so it can be perfect for my trial exam thanks

Observation is an act of monitoring or perceiving something which triggers one's ability to see and reflect what's around them . This raises more awareness which leads to initiations of new prospective or ideas that act as a direct path to discover new things. The poems North Coast Town and Journey: The North Coast by Robert Gray as well the Walkabout advertisement for Tourism Australia by Buz Luhrmann are used to convey the ideas of the role of nature and urbanisation. These ideas help in relation and determination of new discoveries through observation process. Thus enable one to acknowledge reconstruction of the ideas of discovery through these pieces of work used.
Role of nature is portrayed to be a steppingstone for discovery in gray's poem journey to the north coast ,whereby the persona is described to be in a train journey from the city to his hometown on the north coast .On the way he observes through the train window the beauty and landscape of the environment. "bright crockery days that belong to so much I remember " is the metaphor used to give an indication of a bright blue sky and cloud patterns ,as well as to show the emotional experience of the persona of his bright happy days as a child. The words " as I remember" demonstrate that his journey is not a discovery but a rediscovery of how his childhood memories were important to him. "flakes of light..... make the compartment whirl" is a beautiful light imagery used to express the sensual feeling and enlightment of the persona, Gray also uses this imagery to describe how nature can uplift the human spirit . The persona's exposure to nature throughout his journey is illustrated to help him gain a better understanding of the strength of his connection to nature and appreciate the landscape beauty of the environment as it reminds him of childhood days.
while in walk about the role of nature is used to show how nature can act as spiritual connection for new discovery of places .This idea is presented through a woman named Kate who was struggling with balancing her work life and personal issues which stressed her and ruined her emotions. So she moved from the city to go on a walk about to Australia . Luhrmann uses a sensual imagery of the character swimming and hugging in the water with her partner to portray feelings ,while the water is used as a symbolism that represents Kate cleansing and purification from all her problems and her rejuvenation experience. A low angle shot of sunlight shining through the water is a symbolism that suggests enlightenment within Kate's rediscovery. Therefore Luhrmann used Kate's journey to Australia to helps us see how nature can contribute to transformation on reflections of life and how nature can contributes to better understanding of oneself , the caption from the advert "she arrived as Ms K. Mathieson, Executive VP of Sales she departed as Kate" verifies this point
Urbanisation is seen to affect the natural beauty of the environment. This is revealed in the poem North cost were gray describes how the persona undergoes a negative discovery of how the modern society is going with its materialistic and consumerist nature, which results to destruction of the environment in the process. " I washed at a tap down besides the changing sheds stepping about on mud.....smell of the vandal's lavatory and an automatic chill flushing in the urinal " are touch and sensual imagery that convey the persona's observations to us readers to show us how bad and degraded the environment is . "car after car now -it's like a boxer warming up with a heavy bag, spitting air " is a simile used to show the sensual feeling of cars passing by which can suggest the impact of technology in the town. Gray uses this to show how the urban development is destroying the town's natural facade . The metaphor "...... they're making California" displays the emphasis of how the town has changed to be Americanised. consequently observations in nature cannot always turn out to be positive. Development which is a good thing, is portrayed in the poem to result to loss of uniqueness of the town . Gray uses this negative discovery to show how urbanisation is affecting the and changing the environment and maybe people can realise this and make changes don't you think ?
in walkabout the idea of urbanisation is conveyed through the open scenes of new York city this is where the character lived and worked . Low angle shots of Kate in her dark confurement apartment and in her office , symbolises on how confined and limited she is. The dull light is used to represent her depression and sadness "sometimes you need to lose yourself to find yourself " is a caption used in the advert that presents the idea that negative change is good since it motivates you to transform and opt for a better path somewhere else.

Throughout we have talked about the role of nature and urbanisation and how it directs you to new opportunities and perceptions toward life that's interesting isn't it ? I bet you didn't know that through observing one can interpret many things and open doors for change and transformations ,well it does .But all in all , all this is initiated by curiosity, this is acts as catalyst to new discovery and change .

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on July 21, 2017, 09:51:16 pm

Iv literelly been scrolling through the website for 4 HOURS NOW
i havent even got anything marked yet, but seeing the feedback on other people's essays has helped me so much already
AtarNotes YOU GUYS ARE BLOODY LEGENDS

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on July 21, 2017, 10:49:04 pm

Quote from: jebzo on July 21, 2017, 10:30:18 pm

Hi,

Attached is my essay in regards to module A: Distinctively visual. The question is written and underlined at the top of the page. Can you please check if my body paragraphs relate properly and answer the question to its fullest. Also can you please check my conclusion and give me tips on how to improve it.

Thank you,

p.s. be as harsh and honest as possible, i'm aiming for full marks!!

i think you gotta have 15 posts before you can get stuff marked...idk tho they might mark it for you

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 21, 2017, 11:37:59 pm

Quote from: vanessa mbogo on July 21, 2017, 09:16:17 pm

This essay if for module A discovery
can you please help me correct my essay and so it can be perfect for my trial exam thanks

Hey Vanessa! As I've mentioned to you before, you'll need 25 posts to qualify for feedback on your response in our marking threads! This is just to ensure the markers can keep up :)

As a friendly note, I've deleted the couple of duplicates responses you've posted too - You know about the requirement so it would be awesome if you refrained from posting your response again until you've met requirement. The time we spend responding and making sure the threads are clean is time we could spend marking :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on July 22, 2017, 02:42:56 pm

do we need 15 or 25 posts to be qualified for getting an essay marked?

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 22, 2017, 05:14:38 pm

Quote from: Daniyahasan on July 22, 2017, 02:42:56 pm

do we need 15 or 25 posts to be qualified for getting an essay marked?

25 posts, the requirement has increased to help us manage the busy Trial period :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on July 22, 2017, 05:52:30 pm

Quote from: jamonwindeyer on July 22, 2017, 05:14:38 pm

25 posts, the requirement has increased to help us manage the busy Trial period :)

Oh okay, i was just making sure thank you:)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 26, 2017, 05:33:23 pm

Hey all, in 48 hours from now we will be locking these marking threads for the trial period. The two main reasons being, we want to be able to help lots of students in the time it takes to mark an essay/creative (usually 30-45 minutes at least) while lots of students need the help during trials, and also because feedback becomes less constructive with minimal time until the exam because we want to avoid panicking you with big changes, so the feedback isn't as worthwhile for you.

Not to fear - you still have 48 hours to post your work and we will get to marking them even after the threads are locked (if there's backlog).

We'll still be here to help you during the trials with all of our Q+A threads, downloadable notes, thesis statement feedback and so on. Thanks for understanding! We're still here to help on all of the boards that aren't marking threads! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: beatroot on August 28, 2017, 09:38:06 pm

Hello! Would I be able to get my Trial Mod B essay marked? This essay was the lowest for my Paper two exam (15/20). My teacher's main concerns were my written expressions and all my introduction sentences in my body paragraphs. I've taken her comments into account and tried to fix my essay as much as possible. Though I would like to get my essay checked before I re-submit it to her ;D ;D. Thanks heaps! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 01, 2017, 10:24:14 pm

Quote from: beatroot on August 28, 2017, 09:38:06 pm

Hello! Would I be able to get my Trial Mod B essay marked? This essay was the lowest for my Paper two exam (15/20). My teacher's main concerns were my written expressions and all my introduction sentences in my body paragraphs. I've taken her comments into account and tried to fix my essay as much as possible. Though I would like to get my essay checked before I re-submit it to her ;D ;D. Thanks heaps! :)

Hey Bea! Sure thing, I've attached with feedback in bold! ;D

Spoiler

Question: How does Marele Day presents ideas of the city and its people? (Something like that)

Certain perceptions of the world and society can be shaped through the distinct qualities of a text. The unique characteristics of a text have the capacity to broaden perspectives on people and the world. These are two very broad statements, I'd like for you to (at some point) hone in on the sorts of perceptions you'll be focusing on (city and its people), in some way. In the Australian novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’ by Marele Day, the author provokes new understandings of certain ideas such as the role of women in society, criminality and corruption, broadening ideas of the city and its people. I like that you have broken down your paragraph topics, but I'm not convinced how these relate to the question! I think you should make your introduction a little bit longer to try and iron that out for your marker, because I'm not clicking with the connection to the question right now!

Some female continually break gender roles throughout their unique characterisations, challenging initial perceptions of women. Wording there is a little bit off - Also, try and emphasise that the COMPOSER represents their female composers to challenge perceptions, the composer is a really important part of Module B. The protagonist of the novel, Claudia Valentine, is a female ‘hard boiled’ detective, who pushes the boundaries of gender stereotypes. Careful, don't retell - Always assume your marker has read your text, they don't need descriptions! The utilisation of Claudia Valentine as a detective, has allowed for Day to comment on certain issues, ‘I don’t carry a gun unlike some of my cowboy colleagues,’ criticising on gun use and on Claudia’s fellow male colleagues’ depended on them. What technique was used here (I spot alliteration)? Remember, it is always how the composer has used . a technique to create meaning, that's the key. The sobriquet of ‘cowboy colleagues’ refers to the rough and rogue nature of her male colleagues, who constantly use their guns to reassure their manliness. Ah, here's the technique, good! It works better in the same sentence for better flow. Try to explain its impact beyond just the characters, the characters aren't important beyond the text, we want broader ideas. However, the gender differences between Claudia and her male detectives allows for her to reassess this idea and see guns as a protective mechanism as a way to normalise murder and glamorise death in society. Is this still about gender roles and female stereotyping? It feels like we've gone a tad off track. Instead, Claudia depends on her physical skills instead ‘with one kick … I kicked out of reach’, illustrating her martial art skills. Technique here? Unlike her male colleagues, Claudia shows that it is possible for less gun use in society. Through the repetition of ‘kick’, Claudia also demonstrates her strengths and pushing the physical extremities of her body, challenging initial perception of the ‘weak female’ in society. Good link of technique to the perception it challenges! Remember to attribute it to the composer though, Claudia doesn't demonstrate anything, the composer demonstrates this THROUGH Claudia as a puppet. Furthermore, Claudia learns to criticise herself after a conflict with Sally Villos ‘cold hard bitch, cold hard monster’, illustrating her multidimensional character beyond her heroic surface. Try not retell things that happen in the text! This demonstrates that women can too be ‘bitches’ and ‘monsters’, adding another layer to her character. The character of Claudia Valentine allows for the reader to renew ideas about the city and its people. Some good ideas here, but again the link between gender roles and the question is a little vague, so this conclusion seems like a stretch.

The criminal mind can be shaped through a number of factors, adding another layer of dimension to their character and provoke empathy for criminals. Interesting topic idea, I like this! Marele Day voices the novel’s antagonist, Harry Lavender, through the dual narrative, allowing for insight into his mind and its psychology. Harry begins his story, ‘I am a refugee’, whereby the sobriquet of the ‘refugee’ alludes to his first hand experience of the war. As soon as you start acknowledging whereabouts in the story your quote lies, chances are you are retelling the story and/or describing your characters. This won't earn you marks! It's all about techniques, quotes and analysis of themes. The impact of the war during his childhood has wiped away his individuality and cause him to depend on this label as a part of his identity. Description of character. His time as a refugee foreshadows his future occupation as a notorious criminal, due to the early experience with the war and the normalisation of violence in his childhood, forming the basis of his damaged esteem. Harry continues to discuss his opinion on murder and refers to as ‘assassination on the rocks’. Still describing a character! Marele Day cleverly uses word play and refers to the bartending terminology ‘whiskey on the rocks’, a drink used for celebratory occasions. By amalgamating ‘assassination’ and ‘on the rocks’, it is clear that Harry attempts to desensitize murder, emphasising his insanity and distraught personality, that is a result of his time as a refugee. What does this try and show the audience about criminals in general? Lastly, Harry reveals how he feels about murder, ‘Nothing, I feel nothing’. The repetition of ‘nothing’ exemplifying his destroyed conscience and lack of morals that was certainly normalised during his traumatic childhood and has led to his time as a notorious criminal in the future, revealing the effects of war on an individual but as well provides insights into his life, gaining empathy from the reader. Good analysis there - Quote, technique and effect on reader. Good work, The dual narrative of the novel allows for the understanding of Harry’s childhood and the factors that have contributed to his criminality in the present time of the novel. Always try and link to the question in the concluding sentence!

The corruption of a city can be concealed by its paradisal appearance, adding another dimension and layer to the city. The setting of the novel is set in the city of Sydney, a city from for its idyllic appearance and safe for its inhabitants. However, the author challenges the reader’s initial perception of the city and introduce Sydney’s criminal underbelly. Try and be super concise with your wording to make room for more quotes/techniques - Those last two sentences could be squeezed into one I reckon! Day describes ‘the centre pole of Sydney Tower … with fool’s gold’, referencing the Sydney tower, which represents Sydney’s highly desirable modern, glossy facade which has the capacity to hide its corrupted side. However, Day juxtaposes this facade with ‘with fool’s gold’, where the city has the capability to mesmerise people with its beauty, allowing to completely conceal its criminal underbelly. Some good concepts being raised here, but the quote is missing a technique! Day then describes the natural facade of Sydney; the harbour ‘schemes gone awry .. bodies … they all lay on the bottom beneath’. The listing of these metaphorical and physical objects presents the different layers of Sydney and its flaws that the natural facade attempts to conceal. Good. ‘They all lay on the bottom beneath’ whereby the alliteration of ‘b’ conveys the corrupted side of Sydney that is forever concealed, adding another dimension to this city. Good - Try and extrapolate, what is the composer saying
about corruption in cities as a whole? Lastly, Day exclaims ‘Nothing is ever still in this city, not even the buildings’. The punctuation between ‘city’ and ‘even’ represents the contrast between the Sydney’s paradisal image and its criminal underbelly. This seems a bit of a stretch, I think you could find a better technique/example here. The punctuation also draws the reader’s attention to the buildings, bringing up awareness that the modern facade is just a distraction from Sydney’s corrupted and immoral side. Through the multidimensional city of Sydney, Maral Day challenges initial perceptions of the paradisal image of Sydney. Some really good concepts and analysis in this paragraph - Keep honing in on that critical trifecta, each quote needs a TECHNIQUE, EXPLAIN why the composer uses it to influence the AUDIENCE (TEA) :)

The distinct qualities of a text can shape perceptions of the world and society. In the novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’, Marele Day presents the reader to consider certain ideas such as the role of women in society, corruption and criminality. Solid conclusion! Needs to link to the question more strongly though, really convince the marker you've answered the question proerly!

Some really strong points made in this essay Bea, and some strong analysis shining through! Make sure you are not giving the marker unnecessary plot details or character descriptions - Remember, they have read your text, they want to see you delve into choices the composer has made (quotes/techniques) and why they have been made (in your case, to reveal things about the city and its people). I've commented where the good analysis was and where the retell broke it up.

Also be sure you are answering the question! Sometimes the link to the main idea of your essay felt a little forced/weak, make sure those are solid to keep the marker engaged and on your same train of thought :)

Comments throughout should cover the rest of my specific thoughts, definitely room for improvement but definitely some solid foundations! Good stuff :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: beatroot on September 02, 2017, 03:44:41 pm

Quote from: jamonwindeyer on September 01, 2017, 10:24:14 pm

Hey Bea! Sure thing, I've attached with feedback in bold! ;D

Spoiler
Question: How does Marele Day presents ideas of the city and its people? (Something like that)

Certain perceptions of the world and society can be shaped through the distinct qualities of a text. The unique characteristics of a text have the capacity to broaden perspectives on people and the world. These are two very broad statements, I'd like for you to (at some point) hone in on the sorts of perceptions you'll be focusing on (city and its people), in some way. In the Australian novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’ by Marele Day, the author provokes new understandings of certain ideas such as the role of women in society, criminality and corruption, broadening ideas of the city and its people. I like that you have broken down your paragraph topics, but I'm not convinced how these relate to the question! I think you should make your introduction a little bit longer to try and iron that out for your marker, because I'm not clicking with the connection to the question right now!

Some female continually break gender roles throughout their unique characterisations, challenging initial perceptions of women. Wording there is a little bit off - Also, try and emphasise that the COMPOSER represents their female composers to challenge perceptions, the composer is a really important part of Module B. The protagonist of the novel, Claudia Valentine, is a female ‘hard boiled’ detective, who pushes the boundaries of gender stereotypes. Careful, don't retell - Always assume your marker has read your text, they don't need descriptions! The utilisation of Claudia Valentine as a detective, has allowed for Day to comment on certain issues, ‘I don’t carry a gun unlike some of my cowboy colleagues,’ criticising on gun use and on Claudia’s fellow male colleagues’ depended on them. What technique was used here (I spot alliteration)? Remember, it is always how the composer has used . a technique to create meaning, that's the key. The sobriquet of ‘cowboy colleagues’ refers to the rough and rogue nature of her male colleagues, who constantly use their guns to reassure their manliness. Ah, here's the technique, good! It works better in the same sentence for better flow. Try to explain its impact beyond just the characters, the characters aren't important beyond the text, we want broader ideas. However, the gender differences between Claudia and her male detectives allows for her to reassess this idea and see guns as a protective mechanism as a way to normalise murder and glamorise death in society. Is this still about gender roles and female stereotyping? It feels like we've gone a tad off track. Instead, Claudia depends on her physical skills instead ‘with one kick … I kicked out of reach’, illustrating her martial art skills. Technique here? Unlike her male colleagues, Claudia shows that it is possible for less gun use in society. Through the repetition of ‘kick’, Claudia also demonstrates her strengths and pushing the physical extremities of her body, challenging initial perception of the ‘weak female’ in society. Good link of technique to the perception it challenges! Remember to attribute it to the composer though, Claudia doesn't demonstrate anything, the composer demonstrates this THROUGH Claudia as a puppet. Furthermore, Claudia learns to criticise herself after a conflict with Sally Villos ‘cold hard bitch, cold hard monster’, illustrating her multidimensional character beyond her heroic surface. Try not retell things that happen in the text! This demonstrates that women can too be ‘bitches’ and ‘monsters’, adding another layer to her character. The character of Claudia Valentine allows for the reader to renew ideas about the city and its people. Some good ideas here, but again the link between gender roles and the question is a little vague, so this conclusion seems like a stretch.

The criminal mind can be shaped through a number of factors, adding another layer of dimension to their character and provoke empathy for criminals. Interesting topic idea, I like this! Marele Day voices the novel’s antagonist, Harry Lavender, through the dual narrative, allowing for insight into his mind and its psychology. Harry begins his story, ‘I am a refugee’, whereby the sobriquet of the ‘refugee’ alludes to his first hand experience of the war. As soon as you start acknowledging whereabouts in the story your quote lies, chances are you are retelling the story and/or describing your characters. This won't earn you marks! It's all about techniques, quotes and analysis of themes. The impact of the war during his childhood has wiped away his individuality and cause him to depend on this label as a part of his identity. Description of character. His time as a refugee foreshadows his future occupation as a notorious criminal, due to the early experience with the war and the normalisation of violence in his childhood, forming the basis of his damaged esteem. Harry continues to discuss his opinion on murder and refers to as ‘assassination on the rocks’. Still describing a character! Marele Day cleverly uses word play and refers to the bartending terminology ‘whiskey on the rocks’, a drink used for celebratory occasions. By amalgamating ‘assassination’ and ‘on the rocks’, it is clear that Harry attempts to desensitize murder, emphasising his insanity and distraught personality, that is a result of his time as a refugee. What does this try and show the audience about criminals in general? Lastly, Harry reveals how he feels about murder, ‘Nothing, I feel nothing’. The repetition of ‘nothing’ exemplifying his destroyed conscience and lack of morals that was certainly normalised during his traumatic childhood and has led to his time as a notorious criminal in the future, revealing the effects of war on an individual but as well provides insights into his life, gaining empathy from the reader. Good analysis there - Quote, technique and effect on reader. Good work, The dual narrative of the novel allows for the understanding of Harry’s childhood and the factors that have contributed to his criminality in the present time of the novel. Always try and link to the question in the concluding sentence!

The corruption of a city can be concealed by its paradisal appearance, adding another dimension and layer to the city. The setting of the novel is set in the city of Sydney, a city from for its idyllic appearance and safe for its inhabitants. However, the author challenges the reader’s initial perception of the city and introduce Sydney’s criminal underbelly. Try and be super concise with your wording to make room for more quotes/techniques - Those last two sentences could be squeezed into one I reckon! Day describes ‘the centre pole of Sydney Tower … with fool’s gold’, referencing the Sydney tower, which represents Sydney’s highly desirable modern, glossy facade which has the capacity to hide its corrupted side. However, Day juxtaposes this facade with ‘with fool’s gold’, where the city has the capability to mesmerise people with its beauty, allowing to completely conceal its criminal underbelly. Some good concepts being raised here, but the quote is missing a technique! Day then describes the natural facade of Sydney; the harbour ‘schemes gone awry .. bodies … they all lay on the bottom beneath’. The listing of these metaphorical and physical objects presents the different layers of Sydney and its flaws that the natural facade attempts to conceal. Good. ‘They all lay on the bottom beneath’ whereby the alliteration of ‘b’ conveys the corrupted side of Sydney that is forever concealed, adding another dimension to this city. Good - Try and extrapolate, what is the composer saying
about corruption in cities as a whole? Lastly, Day exclaims ‘Nothing is ever still in this city, not even the buildings’. The punctuation between ‘city’ and ‘even’ represents the contrast between the Sydney’s paradisal image and its criminal underbelly. This seems a bit of a stretch, I think you could find a better technique/example here. The punctuation also draws the reader’s attention to the buildings, bringing up awareness that the modern facade is just a distraction from Sydney’s corrupted and immoral side. Through the multidimensional city of Sydney, Maral Day challenges initial perceptions of the paradisal image of Sydney. Some really good concepts and analysis in this paragraph - Keep honing in on that critical trifecta, each quote needs a TECHNIQUE, EXPLAIN why the composer uses it to influence the AUDIENCE (TEA) :)

The distinct qualities of a text can shape perceptions of the world and society. In the novel ‘The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender’, Marele Day presents the reader to consider certain ideas such as the role of women in society, corruption and criminality. Solid conclusion! Needs to link to the question more strongly though, really convince the marker you've answered the question proerly!

Some really strong points made in this essay Bea, and some strong analysis shining through! Make sure you are not giving the marker unnecessary plot details or character descriptions - Remember, they have read your text, they want to see you delve into choices the composer has made (quotes/techniques) and why they have been made (in your case, to reveal things about the city and its people). I've commented where the good analysis was and where the retell broke it up.

Also be sure you are answering the question! Sometimes the link to the main idea of your essay felt a little forced/weak, make sure those are solid to keep the marker engaged and on your same train of thought :)

Comments throughout should cover the rest of my specific thoughts, definitely room for improvement but definitely some solid foundations! Good stuff :)

Thanks for your feedback and comments Jamon, really appreciate it! Instead of giving plot summaries and character descriptions, what do I put in instead? I can't help but add in the text's storyline because it is a novel after all. What should I do? Thanks again :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 02, 2017, 04:16:48 pm

Quote from: beatroot on September 02, 2017, 03:44:41 pm

Thanks for your feedback and comments Jamon, really appreciate it! Instead of giving plot summaries and character descriptions, what do I put in instead? I can't help but add in the text's storyline because it is a novel after all. What should I do? Thanks again :)

You're welcome! Great question, you put in quotes and techniques. So instead of describing a character and what they represent, say, "Yo, the composer uses this technique to show this characters quality, which tells the audience _____ about gender roles/corruption/whatever." It's sort of communicating the same thing, but you are approaching it analytically by relating it to a choice made by a composer, not just reciting details from a text. Essentially, the marker/reader doesn't need to know the plot to be able to appreciate the ideas being communicated by the composer. Sort of like how you can point to examples in Harry Potter where you are shown the power of love, without knowing the whole plot of Harry Potter :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Adammurad on September 03, 2017, 06:45:47 pm

Hey, I have a creative for english and I'm currently doing a feature article on the refugee crisis around the world and how developed countries should accept them I was wondering anyone could give me a good sample thesis statement to help out to start plotting ideas Thanks

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 03, 2017, 10:18:11 pm

Quote from: Adammurad on September 03, 2017, 06:45:47 pm

Hey, I have a creative for english and I'm currently doing a feature article on the refugee crisis around the world and how developed countries should accept them I was wondering anyone could give me a good sample thesis statement to help out to start plotting ideas Thanks

Hey! For a Feature Article you don't have to worry about fancy wording or anything like that - You just need a main message. What is the main thing your feature article wants to portray/represent? It sounds like you've already got that, so start thinking how you want to do it. Perhaps you follow the story of a (made up) refugee (or more than one) as they try unsuccessfully to find refuge, or perhaps face discrimination when they do? Ultimately you should go with your gut, it sounds like you know what you want to do so you just need to decide how to do it :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Adammurad on September 03, 2017, 10:38:32 pm

Hey @jamonwindeyer thank you for the info what do you think of this as an intro?
The issue of immigration and the influx of refugees from third world countries to industrially developed countries has raised security concerns to many citizens globally because they may fear that immigrants may take their jobs and homes. However, I do believe the presence immigrants and refugees are a positive contributor to society and the economy for example job vacancies and skills gaps can be filled, economic growth can be sustained ,services to an ageing population can be maintained when there are insufficient young people locally, the pension gap can be filled by the contributions of new young workers and failing schools (and those with falling numbers) can be transformed.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 03, 2017, 10:48:07 pm

Quote from: Adammurad on September 03, 2017, 10:38:32 pm

Hey @jamonwindeyer thank you for the info what do you think of this as an intro?
The issue of immigration and the influx of refugees from third world countries to industrially developed countries has raised security concerns to many citizens globally because they may fear that immigrants may take their jobs and homes. However, I do believe the presence immigrants and refugees are a positive contributor to society and the economy for example job vacancies and skills gaps can be filled, economic growth can be sustained ,services to an ageing population can be maintained when there are insufficient young people locally, the pension gap can be filled by the contributions of new young workers and failing schools (and those with falling numbers) can be transformed.

Not bad at all! I'd say that you might want to have a more unique, shorter, punchier introduction to hook the reader first. THEN go into this paragraph. This is good contextualisation but it doesn't quite have the 'grab' that the start of a feature article needs :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on September 26, 2017, 10:18:36 am

Hey guys!
So iv attached by Mod C Billy Elliot essay below
in trails it was my weakest essay scoring a 12/20:(
but iv fixed it up tremendously now but i still feel like its not good enough
one thing im worried about is the length, its WAYY too long, so itd be great if you guys tell me what bits that are unnecessary , cos i HAVE to get rid of some stuff but im not sure what
and can you guys please allocate what mark id be looking at with this essay out of 20?
Thank you, you guys are the real MVP:)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 26, 2017, 01:11:46 pm

Quote from: Daniyahasan on September 26, 2017, 10:18:36 am

Hey guys!
So iv attached by Mod C Billy Elliot essay below
in trails it was my weakest essay scoring a 12/20:(
but iv fixed it up tremendously now but i still feel like its not good enough
one thing im worried about is the length, its WAYY too long, so itd be great if you guys tell me what bits that are unnecessary , cos i HAVE to get rid of some stuff but im not sure what
and can you guys please allocate what mark id be looking at with this essay out of 20?
Thank you, you guys are the real MVP:)

Hey! My spreadsheet says you need 125 posts to receive feedback on your next essay (having had three things marked before now) - Note that the post count requirement has temporarily increased to 50 posts to help us manage the HSC rush :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on September 26, 2017, 01:30:41 pm

Quote from: jamonwindeyer on September 26, 2017, 01:11:46 pm

Hey! My spreadsheet says you need 125 posts to receive feedback on your next essay (having had three things marked before now) - Note that the post count requirement has temporarily increased to 50 posts to help us manage the HSC rush :)

OMG since when, ddnt see any post saying the requirement had increased so i didnt know ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
so did you mean i need 125 for this essay or for the next one?

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on September 27, 2017, 03:08:24 pm

Hey!
finally mustered up 125 posts so hopefully i can get feedback on my essay now
So iv attached my Mod C Billy Elliot essay below
in trails it was my weakest essay scoring a 12/20 :(
but iv fixed it up tremendously now but i still feel like its not good enough
one thing im seriously worried about is the length, its WAYY too long, so itd be great if you guys tell me what bits are unnecessary , cos i HAVE to get rid of some stuff because theres no way i can write all that in 40 minutes, but im not sure what to get rid of
and can you guys please allocate what mark id be looking at with this essay out of 20?
Thanks!!!!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on September 29, 2017, 12:09:38 pm

Hey Jamon,
so i have an mock hsc exam for modules on Tuesday and i already put up my mod c essays a couple of days ago, but if i put my mod b essay tonight is there any way i can get them both back before Sunday?
ik you guys probs have HEAPS of other essays and things to mark but but i reallyyyy wanna do well in those mock exams im SO sorry this is so late minute-ish
Thanks :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 29, 2017, 01:49:18 pm

Quote from: Daniyahasan on September 29, 2017, 12:09:38 pm

Hey Jamon,
so i have an mock hsc exam for modules on Tuesday and i already put up my mod c essays a couple of days ago, but if i put my mod b essay tonight is there any way i can get them both back before Sunday?
ik you guys probs have HEAPS of other essays and things to mark but but i reallyyyy wanna do well in those mock exams im SO sorry this is so late minute-ish
Thanks :)

It is possible, but we do have the first of the Head Start lectures tomorrow so no guarantees unfortunately! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on September 29, 2017, 02:10:59 pm

Quote from: jamonwindeyer on September 29, 2017, 01:49:18 pm

It is possible, but we do have the first of the Head Start lectures tomorrow so no guarantees unfortunately! :)

I'll put it up anyways Incase you guys get it the time. Thanks Jamon😊

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 02, 2017, 12:51:50 am

Quote from: Daniyahasan on September 27, 2017, 03:08:24 pm

Hey!
finally mustered up 125 posts so hopefully i can get feedback on my essay now
So iv attached my Mod C Billy Elliot essay below
in trails it was my weakest essay scoring a 12/20 :(
but iv fixed it up tremendously now but i still feel like its not good enough
one thing im seriously worried about is the length, its WAYY too long, so itd be great if you guys tell me what bits are unnecessary , cos i HAVE to get rid of some stuff because theres no way i can write all that in 40 minutes, but im not sure what to get rid of
and can you guys please allocate what mark id be looking at with this essay out of 20?
Thanks!!!!

Hey! Your essay is attached with feedback in bold :) it will be hard to allocate a mark without the question though!

Essay With Feedback

As individuals progress through life, they often need to successfully navigate their way from one challenge to another. This progression not only develops the individual but also pushes individuals towards reconsideration of themselves and others, which develops into growth of the individual. This secondary aspect of "growth of the individual" is the same as "develops the individual," you've not really added much in this amplification! Use the space to tailor to the question. The film, ‘Billy Elliott’ (2000), composed by Stephen Daldry is a successful example of utilising the themes of transition to share experiences and beliefs both personal and societal. Stephan Daldry uses an array of literary and visual techniques coupled with a variety of cinematographic techniques. To achieve what? You could likely blend this sentence with the last sentence. Similarly, the poem “Father and child”, by Gwen Harwood also highlights the transition of one’s perspective through the use of various literary elements. This application allows for a greater understanding of the world of the protagonist and the transition of father and son through the key ideas of masculinity and maturity of the characters. Overall a solid introduction! Good stuff - Be sure that it is tailored to whatever question is in front of you :)

The transition into new worlds may be shaped by both familial and societal expectations. Nice, simple introduction - Could be moulded to suit whatever question you are faced with if necessary. In Stephen Daldry’s, ‘Billy Elliot’, Billy is subjected to the hyper-masculine expectations that are held by the society. These ideas are further reinforced by the dominating presence of both his father Jackie and his brother. Retell - Don't describe character situations! A symbol of these expectations is repeated throughout the film in the form of motif. Give us what the actual motif is - Try not to spend a whole sentence introducing a technique without the example. Billy’s boxing gloves represent a long held family tradition, shown through Jackie dialogue, ‘Those were by father’s gloves’. The dialogue doesn't add much here. This adds to the pressures faced by Billy in an attempt to begin his transition, as he feels he needs to live up to his father’s expectations. How does this link to the theme? How does the audience react? The gloves around Billy’s neck are symbolic of the continual influence that his familial expectations have over him. Daldry reinforces the influence of society through the mining strikes that punctuate Billy’s transition into his new world. The combination of close up shots and diegetic sound demonstrates the aggression and unity of the men in the society. Good combination of a few techniques here. Billy is notably absent despite his brother and father being there. This symbolises his exclusion from his society and his inability to fit in and comply with the masculine culture. Be sure your paragraphs have a definite conclusion! "Thus, we can see how _______."

Venturing into new experiences can be a strenuous process as individuals may encounter challenges and barriers, however with perseverance one can reap many significant rewards which are effectively beneficial. Quite broad, but again, could be tailored to the question :) In addition the series of rapid cuts between both the world of ballet and the violence of the strikers is displayed through the striking scene as it serves to reinforce the gulf between the two worlds. Be sure to briefly mention which text you are discussing before you launch into analysis, just to make sure the audience is oriented to which way you are heading. The aerial shot of the picket line is contrasted with the power and grace of Billy’s dance moves. To what effect? The use of Jackie's dialogue, “You! Out! Now!” highlights his anger at his son for not fulfilling a masculine role. Perhaps a better technique here, maybe exclamation? Otherwise, perhaps describe the tone accompanying the dialogue? This shows that the ideas Jackie consumes are holding him back from transitioning and accepting his son for what he loves. What does it show the audience about new experiences? Be sure to not just describe the characters and their emotions/experiences. Additionally the deep breathing and close-up shot of Jackie's anxious face as he decides to go back to the mines portrays how much the decision of going back to the mines has cost this strongly principled character and further portrays his gradual transition to accepting his son. Good technique and example, again though, go broader - Effect on audience? “He is only a little boy, he could be a genius for all we know”, through Jackie's dialogue and facial expressions we see his journey to overcome his own misconceptions and established principles. Be careful not to use the same technique of dialogue over and over - Variety shows breadth of knowledge! Besides the obstacles that had held Jackie back from making a full transition it is the final phase that allows him to complete his journey and accept his son. A mid shot showcases the emotion the character feels signifying his final transition into this new world of ballet and his understanding of male masculinity. The character Jackie, represents a gradual transition as he contemplates the hardships of entering a new world that would be worthwhile for both the father and son. Really good conceptual paragraph here, good ideas, good techniques and examples. You just need to be linking it to the audience and the ideas in general, not just to the characters and their experiences - Characters are just puppets!

Human relationships can be a crucial catalyst in encouraging changes in an individual’s process of gaining emotional maturity. It is through Billy’s perseverance and boundless enthusiasm, that he challenges society’s expectations and pursues his passion for ballet. This is depicted in the final scene where he prepares to perform on stage. The use of an extreme close up shot of the protagonists face, emphasises his anxious feelings which are expressed as he is finally able to perform for his father. How does this link to the idea of emotional maturity? As Billy enters the stage for his final leap, non-diegetic music and low key lighting further enhance the aura of Billy’s transition, overcoming the societal expectations of masculinity and fulfilling his dream. The slowing tempo and harsh sounding of the orchestra in the classical piece, ‘Swan Lake’, creates suspense, and the slow motion, low angle shot of Billy leaping skilfully into a new world of possibility, highlights Billy’s sense of liberation. Daldry uses the white costume to symbolise Billy’s new beginning as a dancer, which exemplifies his transition in his final moment of triumph. Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion - Lots of techniques here, excellent work on that, again just about extending to the audience impact!

Transition is an inevitable part of human experience as personal experiences shape how individuals perceive things from one part of life to another. The poem ‘Father and child’ by Gwen Harwood explores an individual who proceeds into a new experience, which leads to the transition of the individual. What sort of transition? A very broad introduction, something slightly more specific might be necessary! The persona is faced with barriers that obstruct them from disclosing the reality of life but curiosity influences the persona to persevere. In stanza one, it is evident that the persona will proceed into a new experience through the allusion to nature in, “I rose blessed by the sun. A horny fiend,” foreshadowing that the persona will grow and mature from a meaningful experience. I wouldn't quite call this an allusion - It isn't really referencing anything specific - Perhaps just natural imagery? However, the persona’s father is a notable barrier that hinders the transition into adulthood. Retell - Try not to describe plot points! This is depicted in the phrase, “old no sayer”, which conveys the authoritarian role of the father. The use of colloquial language highlights the lack of respect that the persona has for the father. How does this link to the idea of transitions/human experience? The gun held by the persona symbolizes the sense of power the persona feels, which is evident in the metaphor, “master of life and death.” Consequently, the persona’s understanding of death is shattered as their initial belief was that death is quick and painless. Retell. This is further conveyed through the use of dissonance of the word, ‘struck’, which eradicates the rhythm of the poem, thus exemplifying the harsh and abrupt gunshot that kills the owl as well as the child's youth and innocence. As a result, the persona is exposed to the shocking nature of death, which evokes the transition from childhood to adulthood. How does this relate to transitions? The juxtaposition of “old no sayer” with “Old king”, accentuates the child’s transformed attitude towards the father in which they have gained respect and gratitude. As well as this, the rhetorical question, “who can be what you were?” further conveys that the persona’s perception of the father changes as they believe that the father is irreplaceable and appreciate the father’s sacrifices.

Ultimately, the film “Billy Elliot” (2000), composed by Stephen Daldry explores transition of a father and son dealing with familial and societal expectations of masculinity and gender expectations. Daldry uses an array of techniques to reconstruct the feelings Billy went through within his transition from boxing to ballet. As well as the poem “Father and child” by Gwen Harwood, the transition of an individual’s perspective on life and death are depicted through the use of various language elements. Slightly awkward expression there. Daldry and Harwood showcase how transitions can result in new knowledge and ideals, shifts in attitude and beliefs and allow a deepened understanding of one’s self and the world around them.

I think this is quite a strong essay, assuming it responds to the question it is intended for! Lots of techniques which is fantastic, good explanations of what those techniques are representing/achieving. As a few over-arching things:

- Ensure your analysis is going beyond the character! Lots of times you are just saying "Shows CHARACTER is ______," or "Shows _______ about CHARACTER." Go further, take the same idea and extrapolate it to the audience, swap to "Shows the audience ______ about the theme," or "Reveals _________ to the audience." Characters are puppets - Don't let them dominate your analysis! Taking out the character details would be where I'd cut the words you need to cut - It would really streamline things :)

- The balance between Prescribed/RT is a little off, 3/1 is pushing it a tad far. I'd go 2/2 if you can!

- Ensure your introductions/concepts are specific and tailored to the question (whatever that may be) ;D

I hope this is helpful! Let me know if I can clarify anything ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on October 02, 2017, 06:32:27 pm

Quote from: jamonwindeyer on October 02, 2017, 12:51:50 am

Hey! Your essay is attached with feedback in bold :) it will be hard to allocate a mark without the question though!

Essay With Feedback
As individuals progress through life, they often need to successfully navigate their way from one challenge to another. This progression not only develops the individual but also pushes individuals towards reconsideration of themselves and others, which develops into growth of the individual. This secondary aspect of "growth of the individual" is the same as "develops the individual," you've not really added much in this amplification! Use the space to tailor to the question. The film, ‘Billy Elliott’ (2000), composed by Stephen Daldry is a successful example of utilising the themes of transition to share experiences and beliefs both personal and societal. Stephan Daldry uses an array of literary and visual techniques coupled with a variety of cinematographic techniques. To achieve what? You could likely blend this sentence with the last sentence. Similarly, the poem “Father and child”, by Gwen Harwood also highlights the transition of one’s perspective through the use of various literary elements. This application allows for a greater understanding of the world of the protagonist and the transition of father and son through the key ideas of masculinity and maturity of the characters. Overall a solid introduction! Good stuff - Be sure that it is tailored to whatever question is in front of you :)

The transition into new worlds may be shaped by both familial and societal expectations. Nice, simple introduction - Could be moulded to suit whatever question you are faced with if necessary. In Stephen Daldry’s, ‘Billy Elliot’, Billy is subjected to the hyper-masculine expectations that are held by the society. These ideas are further reinforced by the dominating presence of both his father Jackie and his brother. Retell - Don't describe character situations! A symbol of these expectations is repeated throughout the film in the form of motif. Give us what the actual motif is - Try not to spend a whole sentence introducing a technique without the example. Billy’s boxing gloves represent a long held family tradition, shown through Jackie dialogue, ‘Those were by father’s gloves’. The dialogue doesn't add much here. This adds to the pressures faced by Billy in an attempt to begin his transition, as he feels he needs to live up to his father’s expectations. How does this link to the theme? How does the audience react? The gloves around Billy’s neck are symbolic of the continual influence that his familial expectations have over him. Daldry reinforces the influence of society through the mining strikes that punctuate Billy’s transition into his new world. The combination of close up shots and diegetic sound demonstrates the aggression and unity of the men in the society. Good combination of a few techniques here. Billy is notably absent despite his brother and father being there. This symbolises his exclusion from his society and his inability to fit in and comply with the masculine culture. Be sure your paragraphs have a definite conclusion! "Thus, we can see how _______."

Venturing into new experiences can be a strenuous process as individuals may encounter challenges and barriers, however with perseverance one can reap many significant rewards which are effectively beneficial. Quite broad, but again, could be tailored to the question :) In addition the series of rapid cuts between both the world of ballet and the violence of the strikers is displayed through the striking scene as it serves to reinforce the gulf between the two worlds. Be sure to briefly mention which text you are discussing before you launch into analysis, just to make sure the audience is oriented to which way you are heading. The aerial shot of the picket line is contrasted with the power and grace of Billy’s dance moves. To what effect? The use of Jackie's dialogue, “You! Out! Now!” highlights his anger at his son for not fulfilling a masculine role. Perhaps a better technique here, maybe exclamation? Otherwise, perhaps describe the tone accompanying the dialogue? This shows that the ideas Jackie consumes are holding him back from transitioning and accepting his son for what he loves. What does it show the audience about new experiences? Be sure to not just describe the characters and their emotions/experiences. Additionally the deep breathing and close-up shot of Jackie's anxious face as he decides to go back to the mines portrays how much the decision of going back to the mines has cost this strongly principled character and further portrays his gradual transition to accepting his son. Good technique and example, again though, go broader - Effect on audience? “He is only a little boy, he could be a genius for all we know”, through Jackie's dialogue and facial expressions we see his journey to overcome his own misconceptions and established principles. Be careful not to use the same technique of dialogue over and over - Variety shows breadth of knowledge! Besides the obstacles that had held Jackie back from making a full transition it is the final phase that allows him to complete his journey and accept his son. A mid shot showcases the emotion the character feels signifying his final transition into this new world of ballet and his understanding of male masculinity. The character Jackie, represents a gradual transition as he contemplates the hardships of entering a new world that would be worthwhile for both the father and son. Really good conceptual paragraph here, good ideas, good techniques and examples. You just need to be linking it to the audience and the ideas in general, not just to the characters and their experiences - Characters are just puppets!

Human relationships can be a crucial catalyst in encouraging changes in an individual’s process of gaining emotional maturity. It is through Billy’s perseverance and boundless enthusiasm, that he challenges society’s expectations and pursues his passion for ballet. This is depicted in the final scene where he prepares to perform on stage. The use of an extreme close up shot of the protagonists face, emphasises his anxious feelings which are expressed as he is finally able to perform for his father. How does this link to the idea of emotional maturity? As Billy enters the stage for his final leap, non-diegetic music and low key lighting further enhance the aura of Billy’s transition, overcoming the societal expectations of masculinity and fulfilling his dream. The slowing tempo and harsh sounding of the orchestra in the classical piece, ‘Swan Lake’, creates suspense, and the slow motion, low angle shot of Billy leaping skilfully into a new world of possibility, highlights Billy’s sense of liberation. Daldry uses the white costume to symbolise Billy’s new beginning as a dancer, which exemplifies his transition in his final moment of triumph. Be sure your paragraphs have a proper conclusion - Lots of techniques here, excellent work on that, again just about extending to the audience impact!

Transition is an inevitable part of human experience as personal experiences shape how individuals perceive things from one part of life to another. The poem ‘Father and child’ by Gwen Harwood explores an individual who proceeds into a new experience, which leads to the transition of the individual. What sort of transition? A very broad introduction, something slightly more specific might be necessary! The persona is faced with barriers that obstruct them from disclosing the reality of life but curiosity influences the persona to persevere. In stanza one, it is evident that the persona will proceed into a new experience through the allusion to nature in, “I rose blessed by the sun. A horny fiend,” foreshadowing that the persona will grow and mature from a meaningful experience. I wouldn't quite call this an allusion - It isn't really referencing anything specific - Perhaps just natural imagery? However, the persona’s father is a notable barrier that hinders the transition into adulthood. Retell - Try not to describe plot points! This is depicted in the phrase, “old no sayer”, which conveys the authoritarian role of the father. The use of colloquial language highlights the lack of respect that the persona has for the father. How does this link to the idea of transitions/human experience? The gun held by the persona symbolizes the sense of power the persona feels, which is evident in the metaphor, “master of life and death.” Consequently, the persona’s understanding of death is shattered as their initial belief was that death is quick and painless. Retell. This is further conveyed through the use of dissonance of the word, ‘struck’, which eradicates the rhythm of the poem, thus exemplifying the harsh and abrupt gunshot that kills the owl as well as the child's youth and innocence. As a result, the persona is exposed to the shocking nature of death, which evokes the transition from childhood to adulthood. How does this relate to transitions? The juxtaposition of “old no sayer” with “Old king”, accentuates the child’s transformed attitude towards the father in which they have gained respect and gratitude. As well as this, the rhetorical question, “who can be what you were?” further conveys that the persona’s perception of the father changes as they believe that the father is irreplaceable and appreciate the father’s sacrifices.

Ultimately, the film “Billy Elliot” (2000), composed by Stephen Daldry explores transition of a father and son dealing with familial and societal expectations of masculinity and gender expectations. Daldry uses an array of techniques to reconstruct the feelings Billy went through within his transition from boxing to ballet. As well as the poem “Father and child” by Gwen Harwood, the transition of an individual’s perspective on life and death are depicted through the use of various language elements. Slightly awkward expression there. Daldry and Harwood showcase how transitions can result in new knowledge and ideals, shifts in attitude and beliefs and allow a deepened understanding of one’s self and the world around them.

I think this is quite a strong essay, assuming it responds to the question it is intended for! Lots of techniques which is fantastic, good explanations of what those techniques are representing/achieving. As a few over-arching things:

- Ensure your analysis is going beyond the character! Lots of times you are just saying "Shows CHARACTER is ______," or "Shows _______ about CHARACTER." Go further, take the same idea and extrapolate it to the audience, swap to "Shows the audience ______ about the theme," or "Reveals _________ to the audience." Characters are puppets - Don't let them dominate your analysis! Taking out the character details would be where I'd cut the words you need to cut - It would really streamline things :)

- The balance between Prescribed/RT is a little off, 3/1 is pushing it a tad far. I'd go 2/2 if you can!

- Ensure your introductions/concepts are specific and tailored to the question (whatever that may be) ;D

I hope this is helpful! Let me know if I can clarify anything ;D

All the things you said made total sense and I'll get yo fixing it asap. Thanks so much Jamon!!! You are the best 😊😊

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on October 03, 2017, 10:32:17 am

Hey jamon, so I went over your feedback again and I feel like the ort doesnt really flow with transitions or my essay so I'm thinking about getting a new ort.. Do you think that would be a good idea?
Also im thinking about the red tree by Shaun tan to be my new ort.

What say??

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 03, 2017, 01:59:18 pm

Quote from: Daniyahasan on October 03, 2017, 10:32:17 am

Hey jamon, so I went over your feedback again and I feel like the ort doesnt really flow with transitions or my essay so I'm thinking about getting a new ort.. Do you think that would be a good idea?
Also im thinking about the red tree by Shaun tan to be my new ort.

What say??

If you think it will help you achieve a better balance, maybe! We are only two weeks away from the HSC though, think carefully before doing a last minute swap! Make sure it is something you have time to do right ;D

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on October 08, 2017, 02:07:38 pm

Quote from: jamonwindeyer on October 03, 2017, 01:59:18 pm

If you think it will help you achieve a better balance, maybe! We are only two weeks away from the HSC though, think carefully before doing a last minute swap! Make sure it is something you have time to do right ;D

I think I'm gonna use my discovery ort and manipulate the analysis according to transitions
do you think that'll work
my ort for discovery was Shaun Tan's the red tree

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on October 08, 2017, 02:27:37 pm

Quote from: Daniyahasan on October 08, 2017, 02:07:38 pm

I think I'm gonna use my discovery ort and manipulate the analysis according to transitions
do you think that'll work
my ort for discovery was Shaun Tan's the red tree

oh for sure! you're actually encouraged to use the same related over as many modules as you can because there's less texts to remember. :-) exploring transitions and discovery is almost the same thing anyways hahaha just replace discovery with transition 😜

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on October 08, 2017, 02:56:58 pm

Quote from: fantasticbeasts3 on October 08, 2017, 02:27:37 pm

oh for sure! you're actually encouraged to use the same related over as many modules as you can because there's less texts to remember. :-) exploring transitions and discovery is almost the same thing anyways hahaha just replace discovery with transition 😜

that's sweet then! ill use that

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: blasonduo on October 08, 2017, 03:06:31 pm

Quote from: Daniyahasan on October 08, 2017, 02:56:58 pm

that's sweet then! ill use that

Just to add, although Transitions are VERY similar to discoveries, just changing the word "discovers" to "transitions" could in some cases really devalue your analysis, but I agree, using the same text for discovery and transitions is a very good idea, just make sure you are able to restructure it. :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on October 08, 2017, 03:09:38 pm

Quote from: blasonduo on October 08, 2017, 03:06:31 pm

Just to add, although Transitions are VERY similar to discoveries, just changing the word "discovers" to "transitions" could in some cases really devalue your analysis, but I agree, using the same text for discovery and transitions is a very good idea, just make sure you are able to restructure it. :)

yep yep I agree:)
I'm going to rephrase my analysis so it fits well with transitions
and can someone please direct me to the thesis discussion thread, I cant find it

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on October 08, 2017, 06:01:15 pm

Hey guys!
i actually posted this essay about half an hour ago but then I remembered I had to fix something so I deleted that post. So can you guys mark this one for me instead :)
so this is my mod b curious incident essay
I don't really have a question for this cos I'm planning on manipulating this essay to whatever question is thrown at me
so what band do you think this essay is roughly sitting at?
also, how long do you think itll take for me to get feedback cos I kinda want a few days to fix it according to your feedback + memorise it
Thank you guys!!

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on October 08, 2017, 11:35:37 pm

So guys I manipulate my discovery ort to fit my transitions essay, so there's the paragraph
What do you guys think?
Does it seem fine or off?

Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values, allowing for the inner transition of the individual. The Red Tree by Shaun Tan examines how the transition of one’s self and their world, is portrayed through interest and wonder. Shaun Tan utilizes harsh, monotone representations of the world and minimal language to reflect the protagonist’s journey of inner transition. This is explored through their curiosity, as they continue to pass through the disconnected world she lives in. The protagonist’s transition is portrayed through the low angle shot of the girl and the accompanying metaphor, “the world is a deaf machine”, Tan utilises these aspects of the text, allowing the viewer to witness the world’s value of conformity through the use of identical costuming and the denial of individuality. The repetition of the sorrowful facial expressions and fatigued posture, indicate the protagonist’s insecurity and depressive nature, portraying her as a weak and inferior character. This is juxtaposed to the last scene where she has witnessed the growth of the red tree which is symbolic of the protagonist’s inner transformation. Tan’s illustrations of the protagonists face simplistically drawn depicts a contented character. Hence, this is further emphasized by the light that shines upon her, revealing that through her constant inquisitiveness she has witnessed an act of wonder. Hence, allowing her to transition and differentiate herself apart from the world. Tan successfully explores how curiosity and wonder can cause the intellectual and emotional transitions of one’s self.

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: bernardm on October 09, 2017, 12:16:33 am

Quote from: Daniyahasan on October 08, 2017, 06:01:15 pm

Hey guys!
i actually posted this essay about half an hour ago but then I remembered I had to fix something so I deleted that post. So can you guys mark this one for me instead :)
so this is my mod b curious incident essay
I don't really have a question for this cos I'm planning on manipulating this essay to whatever question is thrown at me
so what band do you think this essay is roughly sitting at?
also, how long do you think itll take for me to get feedback cos I kinda want a few days to fix it according to your feedback + memorise it
Thank you guys!!

Hey! I know I'm no expert at this, but as this is my text for Module B as well I thought it would be beneficial for us both if I gave you my thoughts. I've attached your essay with my feedback in bold (Hope it works).
Please take my feedback with a grain of salt, I only skimmed over this quickly and English isn't my strongest subject, but I tried to pick up on a few key things. It is a lot of nit-picking, but hopefully useful either way.

Overall, I would think this is sitting at around a band 4 however it is very hard to say with no question, but that is just my opinion... Hopefully some of the English experts on here can also have a read over it.
You're techniques and evidence is great! However your structure can improve greatly if you focus on 3 main themes and convey this clearly. You also MUST reference the responder and what they learn from this novel more (EMPATHY), as this is only done to a small extent throughout.

Hopefully this helps in any way, my first time doing this so let me know if you have any thoughts on what I have said so we can both use this as a way to improve our writing :)

Good luck! :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: Daniyahasan on October 09, 2017, 07:37:40 am

Quote from: bernardm on October 09, 2017, 12:16:33 am

Hey! I know I'm no expert at this, but as this is my text for Module B as well I thought it would be beneficial for us both if I gave you my thoughts. I've attached your essay with my feedback in bold (Hope it works).
Please take my feedback with a grain of salt, I only skimmed over this quickly and English isn't my strongest subject, but I tried to pick up on a few key things. It is a lot of nit-picking, but hopefully useful either way.

Overall, I would think this is sitting at around a band 4 however it is very hard to say with no question, but that is just my opinion... Hopefully some of the English experts on here can also have a read over it.
You're techniques and evidence is great! However your structure can improve greatly if you focus on 3 main themes and convey this clearly. You also MUST reference the responder and what they learn from this novel more (EMPATHY), as this is only done to a small extent throughout.

Hopefully this helps in any way, my first time doing this so let me know if you have any thoughts on what I have said so we can both use this as a way to improve our writing :)

Good luck! :)

Yes yes definitely helped me! Thanks so much, and you seemed pretty good for youre first time marking :)
Ill deffo take youre advice + the advice ill get from AN soon and perfect my essay :)
How did you go in Mod B in trials?
And do you have any thesis ideas cos I'm sooo stuck for that

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamie.vincent on October 11, 2017, 01:56:17 pm

Hey!
I was wondering if you could take a look at this essay for ModB: Wilfred Owen.
Thank you so much :)

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on October 11, 2017, 02:33:56 pm

Quote from: jamie.vincent on October 11, 2017, 01:56:17 pm

Hey!
I was wondering if you could take a look at this essay for ModB: Wilfred Owen.
Thank you so much :)

hi, welcome to the forums! the current post requirement for an essay to be marked by the experts (lecturers) is 50 posts. maybe one of your peers can look at it for you?

best of luck for the hsc,
fantasticbeasts

Title: Re: English Standard Essay Marking
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 12, 2017, 03:37:50 pm

Quote from: Daniyahasan on October 08, 2017, 06:01:15 pm

Hey guys!
i actually posted this essay about half an hour ago but then I remembered I had to fix something so I deleted that post. So can you guys mark this one for me instead :)
so this is my mod b curious incident essay
I don't really have a question for this cos I'm planning on manipulating this essay to whatever question is thrown at me
so what band do you think this essay is roughly sitting at?
also, how long do you think itll take for me to get feedback cos I kinda want a few days to fix it according to your feedback + memorise it
Thank you guys!!

Sure thing! :)

Spoiler

The novel “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time”, composed by Mark Haddon acquires various elements that portray the narrative as distinct. "acquires various elements" isn't quite the right wording. You'll need a more specific Thesis for the question in front of you! Haddon uses an array of literary and visual techniques to depict both the novel and narrator’s unique qualities. The narrator of the text is a 15 year old Autistic boy, Christopher Boone. Unnecessary textual retail, at least given by itself - Embed this into your analysis when relevant. It is shown throughout the novel Christopher’s distinctive perception of the world and the issues he deals with. The first person narration of this novel gives the responder an opportunity to explore the world through the eyes of an adolescent with Asperger’s Syndrome as well as an insight to the working of his mind. Broad introduction, you'll need to tweak it to more specifically respond to the question in front of you on the day. But covers a lot of the necessary stuff - Ensure you aren't providing unnecessary textual detail.

Without the natural ability to relate and communicate in society, individuals that are considered different often find it difficult to build social relationships. Nice concept. Christopher’s condition causes him to see the world in an uncommon way and the first person narration of the novel allows the reader to share Christopher’s unique perspective. Christopher experiences difficulty understanding the simple things in life, for example, reading facial expressions. Try not to retell plot elements. As a logic driven character he is emotionally simplistic. Ditto for describing character traits. Due to his inability to comprehend emotions, Christopher struggles connecting to others on an emotional level. In the novel, Haddon elucidates through visual representations how Christopher is unable to distinguish a person’s feelings by examining their expressions. Can you give an example here before going into a separate technique? Haddon makes uses of polysyndeton, “…Siobhan to draw lots of these faces and write down what they mean and I took it out when I didn’t understand what someone was saying”, which serves as an ironic element as the visual diagrams instead of assisting Christopher in distinguishing expressions, confuse him further. Good analysis, what does this communicate to the audience? The use of visuals highlights the key communication barrier between Christopher and others. Christopher relies heavily on order and logic to understand and navigate the world. Still doing broad description of character qualities here. The use of logic puzzles, math problems and maps symbolize to Christopher the part of the world that is ordered and logical. The fact that these things are included in the piece doesn't necessarily mean this is symbolism - You'd want a quote to prove your point. Hence, Haddon uses these elements as tools to organise Christopher’s thinking. These elements are seen continually throughout the novel at various stages, but appear most often when Christopher encounters new information which he has not fully processed. “…too many questions…sometimes the slicer is not working fast enough but the bread keeps coming out and there is blockage”, Haddon metaphorically compares Christopher’s mind to a bread slicer, as a result he is unable to adequately comprehend and therefore respond appropriately to the situation. Ensure you have a proper conclusion that links to the question, when you have one.

Christopher has an urgent need to see the world as orderly as he can as he does not have tolerance for disorder. Commas to break your expression up would be beneficial. Christopher’s dislike for change is extreme, he is unable to handle it at all. He obsesses over schedules, for instance “I like timetables because I like to know when everything is going to happen”, Christopher’s statement portrays his necessity for order and the comfort he feels when things remain the same. What technique here? Also be sure not to just restate what a character has said to portray a point. Each person deals with difficulty in their own way. Christopher too has a very distinct way of coping. Broad character description. He utilizes his obsessions to deal with things he is uncomfortable around. Christopher’s coping methodologies include things like solving math’s problem and logical puzzles to get himself to ignore the chaos he feels and find some stability in the situation. Christopher is obsessed with solving puzzles, so when he finds Wellington, the dogs’ corpse, he feels an urgent need to solve the mystery of ‘who killed Wellington’ as it appears to him as a puzzle. Retell - You are using the plot to push your points rather than analysing the composers choices. “Prime numbers are what is left when you take all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules even if you spent all your time thinking about them”, the simile demonstrates a simple comparison that allows Christopher to express his feelings of the world and others in a unique way, one which creates a feeling of empathy within the responder as they uncover the truth to his disability. Good analysis linked to audience - You could shorten that quote and achieve exactly the same effect. Haddon through Christopher’s unique coping methodologies and distinct perspective, enhances the reader’s understanding of the distinctive qualities of the novel. This is the first time Haddon has been mentioned in the paragraph - This is the easiest way to tell that your analysis is too text/character focused.

Haddon portrays the logical nature of Christopher bringing obstacles in his awareness of emotional aspects, hence troubling his relationships with others. Try not to base your concepts around characters. Although there is absence of emotive language, there a copious amount of imagery that enhances the experience. Example? Put the quote in the same sentence as the technique you are identifying. The preponderance of simple sentences coupled with repetition of “I” and sequential statements, for instance “I think I would be a good astronaut…I would like being…thousands of miles away” Haddon uses throughout the novel successfully creates the narrator as a child accompanied with unorthodox perspective of the world allowing the reader to recognise that his view of the world is very distinct. Very long sentence - Try breaking into two sentences or using commas. Christopher’s dream of becoming an astronaut represents the fantasy of escape from his current situation living under his Father’s authority. Christopher is struggling to become independent, as his spectrum does not allow him to be as independent as he aspires to be. Retell. The narrator’s growing desire for independence, with being an astronaut representing the furthest extreme of his independence, as he would literally be thousands of miles away from Earth and his Father’s authority. Check expression there - That wasn't a complete thought. Christopher’s aspiration to become an astronaut is also closely linked to his condition, specifically his obsession with science and also the difficulty he has with social situations. Haddon's employment of blunt tone and direct language in the dialogue line, “I’m not meant to call them stupid, even though they are” explores Christopher’s sense of self superiority towards his peers. What does this show to the audience? Haddon highlights that the perceptions Christopher possesses hinder him from connecting with others. Hence, disallowing him to form relationships.

Ultimately, Mark Haddon in “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time”, utilises various literary devices to create a distinct personality of the narrator Christopher Boone, through first person narration of the novel. These elements enhance the reader’s understanding of the interesting yet complex ideas explored in the text. As above, you would need to tailor this to the question in front of you. Be prepared for curveballs!

My comments throughout cover my thoughts, some instances of good analysis! But on the whole, watch for being too text focused (discussing characters and plot points, not ideas and composer choices) and ensure your ideas are expressed with clarity. Practice bending the intro/conclusion, and topic/concluding sentences, to make sure you can respond to your question on the day! :)

ATAR Notes: Forum

HSC Stuff => HSC Marking and Feedback => HSC Subjects + Help => Marking Thread Archives => Topic started by: brenden on March 16, 2015, 03:52:57 pm