Essay Feedback

[forbiddensoulxx]

Hi, I am not sure where to place my essay, so if this is in the wrong category, please move this topic! I would appreciate it if you guys could score and give my essay some feedback. After the topic is put in the right section, I am thinking of putting some more creative and analytic pieces there. Thanks in advance!
 

Should the ATAR exist?

The issue regarding whether or not the ATAR should exist is highly controversial and debatable. Some may argue that it creates too much competition and pressure on year 12 students. Contrastingly, it could be argued that the ATAR prepares individuals for their future in the form of intelligence testing.

The ATAR is a great way to let students know what level of skill they are at, whether it be in Maths, English or any other subject. It also helps individuals choose their jobs in the future as they would know their stronger and weaker subjects, The ATAR also enables universities and employers to be aware of the capability of a student and whether or not they would want the individual to attend their university or fill a position in their company, based on their ATAR score. Exploring this, the ATAR is essential as it determines and ranks students against other individuals in Victoria.

The ATAR prepares students for the future, so that they are not too nervous when they have higher grade exams. Professor W. White of Monash University expressed that "Students who think of the ATAR as a job are less likely to succeed than the ones that treat it like life's test. The ATAR is a great way to prepare students for their yet to come years in the form of examinations and job interviews. Another advantage of the ATAR is that is prepares individuals to cope with the stress and hassle of their upcoming future.

The ATAR is an essential testing that enables individuals to understand their strengths and weaknesses in order to help decide what type of career they want to pursue in life. It also prepares students to cope with pressure that they will experience in relation to future career responsibilities.

[winchesteraddict]

Great use of Vocabulary and a really good essay

[Hannibal]

Awesome work! Lovely vocabulary, and everything flows perfectly . An idea to make it even better is to mention that the ATAR is the Australian Tertiary Admission Rank, the first time you mention it. The examiner may or may not pick it up, but it's always good to be cautious with abbreviations.

[forbiddensoulxx]

Thanks guys! <3 Bump, added a poll to let me know what type of I score I get.

[Asteriskkk]

I did this in 15 minutes

Deregulation of tertiary education, should we allow it?

Fees, debts, and money, all of our university student's worst nightmares, and with the deregulation of tertiary education, this will intensely impact our economy, and future of our students. The Deregulation of university education, should not be permitted, as this will create more problems, rather than solving the ones we have now.

First of all, if the deregulation comes into play. Universities can charge whatever fees they like, turning places of education into corporate businesses, which is not what education is about, education. Low income earners especially will feel the brunt of the deregulation, as the cannot go to university, this can cause job losses as the student may not be able to get into the degree they want to.

Furthermore, if you remove funding for universities, then we can see a huge impact on our economy, especially in the future, it may be subtle now, but we will feel the harshness of unemployment in Australia. As said before, if a student cannot get into the course they want too, they cannot get the job they need, causing unemployment, if this effect affects the majority of our low income earners, this can lead to severe effects in our economy and cause huge problems within Australia.

Deregulation of tertiary education just for the Federal government savings, may sound appealing for our economy, but it is incredibly biased to the rich and inflicting to the poor,as this will cause adverse side effects, since most if not all young people in Australia are having an education, then they most would likely need a funding, since most students in Australia rely on hex according to statistics, if these fundings were axed, then we would face issues such as unemployment, job losses, cuts, fees, and even a bankrupt country.

As I conclude,  I advocate that tertiary education should not be axed, as it would damage our society, economy, rather than benefit it, and that we should not turn a blind eye to the problems to come with this deregulation.

[Hannibal]

I did this in 15 minutes

Deregulation of tertiary education, should we allow it?

Fees, debts, and money, all of our university student's worst nightmares, and with the deregulation of tertiary education, this will intensely impact our economy, and future of our students. The Deregulation of university education, should not be permitted, as this will create more problems, rather than solving the ones we have now.

First of all, if the deregulation comes into play. Universities can charge whatever fees they like, turning places of education into corporate businesses, which is not what education is about, education. Low income earners especially will feel the brunt of the deregulation, as the cannot go to university, this can cause job losses as the student may not be able to get into the degree they want to.

Furthermore, if you remove funding for universities, then we can see a huge impact on our economy, especially in the future, it may be subtle now, but we will feel the harshness of unemployment in Australia. As said before, if a student cannot get into the course they want too, they cannot get the job they need, causing unemployment, if this effect affects the majority of our low income earners, this can lead to severe effects in our economy and cause huge problems within Australia.

Deregulation of tertiary education just for the Federal government savings, may sound appealing for our economy, but it is incredibly biased to the rich and inflicting to the poor,as this will cause adverse side effects, since most if not all young people in Australia are having an education, then they most would likely need a funding, since most students in Australia rely on hex according to statistics, if these fundings were axed, then we would face issues such as unemployment, job losses, cuts, fees, and even a bankrupt country.

As I conclude,  I advocate that tertiary education should not be axed, as it would damage our society, economy, rather than benefit it, and that we should not turn a blind eye to the problems to come with this deregulation.

It's pretty good, just need to work on your overall fluency for those top marks. And also, try not to use too many commas in one sentence, because it can drag it out a little bit, and makes it sound a tad unnatural, like this sentence .

But honestly, the content was great so I would give it a 7 of 8 out of 10 .

[Orb]

Hi, I am not sure where to place my essay, so if this is in the wrong category, please move this topic! I would appreciate it if you guys could score and give my essay some feedback. After the topic is put in the right section, I am thinking of putting some more creative and analytic pieces there. Thanks in advance!
 

Should the ATAR exist?

The issue regarding whether or not the ATAR should exist is highly controversial and debatable. Some may argue that it creates too much competition and pressure on year 12 students. Contrastingly, it could be argued that the ATAR prepares individuals for their future in the form of intelligence testing.

The ATAR is a great way to let students know what level of skill they are at, whether it be in Maths, English or any other subject. It also helps individuals choose their jobs in the future as they would know their stronger and weaker subjects, The ATAR also enables universities and employers to be aware of the capability of a student and whether or not they would want the individual to attend their university or fill a position in their company, based on their ATAR score. Exploring this, the ATAR is essential as it determines and ranks students against other individuals in Victoria.

The ATAR prepares students for the future, so that they are not too nervous when they have higher grade exams. Professor W. White of Monash University expressed that "Students who think of the ATAR as a job are less likely to succeed than the ones that treat it like life's test. The ATAR is a great way to prepare students for their yet to come years in the form of examinations and job interviews. Another advantage of the ATAR is that is prepares individuals to cope with the stress and hassle of their upcoming future.

The ATAR is an essential testing that enables individuals to understand their strengths and weaknesses in order to help decide what type of career they want to pursue in life. It also prepares students to cope with pressure that they will experience in relation to future career responsibilities.

* Contrastingly, *  - uncommon word, try to find a synonym, breaks the flow.

*The ATAR is a great way* is it really? why?

*Exploring this, the ATAR is essential as it determines and ranks students against other individuals in Victoria.* what is good about ranking students? aren't there other factors? elaborate

*Professor W. White* who is he? just a professor from Monash isn't enough. If you're going to use sources, put more information into it or cut it out.

*The ATAR is a great way to prepare students for their yet to come years in the form of examinations and job interviews.* Job interviews?? Doesn't happen in ATAR.

Overall, you seem to have a grey area between the ATAR (aus tertiary admissions rank) and the VCE process (the process in which we OBTAIN the ATAR). I'm not an expert on it myself, but make sure you know what the differences are. Also, just 1-2 points is enough for a 15 minute essay. Hell, 8 lines of writing is enough. 1 line intro, 6 line expansion, 1 line conc. Quality over quantity!

Score: 7/10 While I think there's good arguments that you've utilised and possibly good enough for a High Avrg/Sup there's still a considerable bit to touch up on. But hey, none of us are perfect. Keep writing!