Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

October 03, 2023, 09:11:47 am

Author Topic: Analytical Essay Feedback- (URGENT)  (Read 1309 times)  Share 

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


  • Victorian
  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 143
  • Respect: +44
Analytical Essay Feedback- (URGENT)
« on: June 13, 2014, 06:26:57 pm »
Hello, since the exam is tomorrow, I would really appreciate any feedback for this analytical essay I wrote.

Should Violent Video Games Be Banned?

Violent video games are no doubt the gaming industries most profitable seller, although, is it really necessary to ban them? While violent video games bring violent thoughts to the player's mind, many oppose that they are merely built for entertainment and fun. However, violent video games serve the purpose of sole leisure. They are enjoyable, especially when playing with others and can massively help control stress levels. Therefore, violent video games should not be banned.

How many people around the world have not been in the presence or been exposed to these brutal and ruthless games, such as the Call of Duty and Battlefield franchise? These sort of video games are entertaining, and they do not anyhow bring forward violent acts such as injuring and killing. Playing video games of these sorts, especially with others can reduce the negative thoughts and actions an individual may have in their mind as they are socializing with other while  having fun and doing what they enjoy. Therefore, violent video games have no reason to be banned.

Video games, especially ones that are violent can help relieve the stress of individuals massively. There are many around the world that are angry at more than one point in their lives, so playing these brutal killing games can give them satisfaction. Professor Arnold Greene did a recent study of the relationship of violent video games and stress levels and stated "Violent video games, massively help control stress as people are taking their anger out virtually, not physically." Hence, the banning of video games would create more tension in stressed individuals.

Many argue that violent video games can lead to violent actions and can disrupt the society we live in today, in the form of shootings and domestic violence. However, this is untrue as less than 10% of violent video game players commit these actions in the society we live in today.

Violent video games, aside from being one of the most profitable business, are a great source entertainment source. They also aid in managing stress levels. While many think they influence negative thoughts, that is untrue.
2017: Psychology [45]
2018: Economics [50] Legal Studies [42] Methods [37] Accounting [46] English Language [36]
ATAR: 98.4
Open to tutoring and selling notes for some of these subjects, PM me for more details!

Bachelor of Laws (Honours)/Bachelor of Commerce @ Monash


  • Victorian
  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Respect: 0
Re: Analytical Essay Feedback- (URGENT)
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2014, 06:34:42 pm »
excellent 9/10
big words don't really flow so cut them out
Add more facts and statistics
When was the test
Is it bias?
Explain the games less (it turns the reader away)


  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 533
  • Respect: +2
Re: Analytical Essay Feedback- (URGENT)
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2014, 10:58:58 pm »
Awesome piece of writing, I just feel like there could be a few more arguments straight of the bat, rather than counter arguments. I love how you used a case study, because that makes the piece sound professional in a way. So personally, I would start off with a statement about the benefits of video games, rather than trying to counterattack because that can sound a little weak at the beginning.

Great effort though, 8.5/10 :)
2018-2020: UoM Comm


  • Victorian
  • Trailblazer
  • *
  • Posts: 42
  • Respect: +5
  • School: MacRob
  • School Grad Year: 2018
Re: Analytical Essay Feedback- (URGENT)
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2014, 07:16:56 pm »
I think you should cut down on the number of times you use the word violent. But overall, really good!


  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 5493
  • he/him - they is also fine
  • Respect: +1292
Re: Analytical Essay Feedback- (URGENT)
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2014, 07:23:50 pm »
My only real issue is that it felt rather argumentative for an analytical essay. Otherwise, it was very good - well thought out, and it had a very logical approach and structure. Good job! :)