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Author Topic: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam  (Read 43517 times)  Share 

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zhen

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #15 on: December 04, 2017, 05:42:31 pm »
+1
Hi Zhen,

Thanks for all the marking! The thing that the character lost was his happiness, I was trying to show his journey from depression to happiness, next time I will try to make it clearer!!

Hugo
I kind of suspected that the thing lost was happiness but I wasn’t sure. I agree that you needed to make it clearer that the thing he lost was his happiness. Also, I think you could also make it more clear he was happy in the first paragraph (assuming that he was happy cause he was running around in crazy temperatures). This will show the transition and the loss of happiness more clearly. Feel free to post more essays and I’ll try to respond as soon as possible.

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2017, 12:14:22 pm »
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School Holiday  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D!


Essay Topic: Australia should reinstate the death penalty.

The death penalty is a controversial topic in Australia. Many people disagree with the idea of killing somebody for their crimes. Is it really that bad of an idea? In Australia the maximum sentence one can get is life imprisonment. This form of punishment, is extremely wasteful to our resources, and makes people live out their days in a concrete box for the rest of their lives.

To sustain life a very expensive task. Especially when you are having to look after Australia's most dangerous criminals. So why do we do it? Why do we waste our resources on people who don't deserve to live? The death penalty would allow for Australia to spend less money on housing Australia's worst. Instead of looking after a psychopathic serial killer, we can spend that money on education, transport, the possibilities are limitless!

The death penalty would only be used on people who deserved it, for example what is the point in looking after a deranged serial killer. Some poeple are just too evil to look after.

Many people argue that the death penalty is unfair , and doesn't let criminals have another chance at life. The death penalty would only be used on criminals, who are unable to be rehabilitated. If one is able to snatch life so quickly, they must be aware of the consequences to come.

In conclusion, the death penalty should be reinstated in Australia, for the following reasons. Instead of having to house inmates and waste resources we can execute the ones who don't deserve to live. The death penalty would only be used on people who are so evil that they just don't deserve to live. If one is ready to snatch a life so quickly, they must be aware of the consequences.

Thanks for reading,


Hugo  8) 8) 8) 8) 8)

hegihugo

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2017, 12:33:38 pm »
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Story Prompt: "There are two kind of people on this world: those who try once and give up, and those who try and never give up."

It was a cold Christmas eve, my family had gone to Hawaii, and I was stuck here in a bar next to my best friend. It wasn't that busy inside of the bar, in-fact  we were the only people there. The bar was poorly heated, with only a small fireplace which was supposed to provide heat for the whole place. This bar had been here since 1872, and it sure looked like it. The whole place was covered in dust, and the  wooden floors were rotting. The walls were made out of bricks, which had been painted in a bright yellow.

The barman was an old, but kind man. With a beard reaching down to his chest. He was bald, and always wore the same clothes, a pair of black dress pants and a white button up shirt.

Right next to me was my best best friend, he had just been recently married; but from the sound of it, it wasn't going very well. He was the complete opposite from me. When we met at university  he had already amassed a large amount of money, I was the typical broke university student, and I was still broke.

It was getting late, and the barman had to close the bar, so he called last drinks. By that period in time we were both drunk. My friend glanced at me, whilst sipping a large glass of whisky. "There are two types of people in this world: people who try and give up, and people who try, fail but never give up. Which one are you?" His piercing stare made me uncomfortable. "I just found out I have a incurable cancer," He started to tear up. " I want to to travel around the world with you, I want to try and encourage other to do their best, so that they can be happy and not make the same mistakes as me! Will you come?"

It was Christmas eve, my family, were away in Hawaii. I looked him straight in the eyes, thinking about what he said, and I nodded.


Thanks for reading!

Hugo 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)

zhen

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2017, 12:41:24 pm »
+2
School Holiday  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D!


Essay Topic: Australia should reinstate the death penalty.

The death penalty is a controversial topic in Australia. Many people disagree with the idea of killing somebody for their crimes. Is it really that bad of an idea? In Australia the maximum sentence one can get is life imprisonment. This form of punishment, is extremely wasteful to our resources, and makes people live out their days in a concrete box for the rest of their lives.

To sustain life a very expensive task. Especially when you are having to look after Australia's most dangerous criminals. So why do we do it? Why do we waste our resources on people who don't deserve to live? The death penalty would allow for Australia to spend less money on housing Australia's worst. Instead of looking after a psychopathic serial killer, we can spend that money on education, transport, the possibilities are limitless! You should probably look this up yourself, but I’ve heard many times that the death penalty life in prison is actually cheaper than life in prison the death penalty. If this is true, then it totally invalidates this entire argument.

The death penalty would only be used on people who deserved it, for example what is the point in looking after a deranged serial killer. Some poeple are just too evil to look after. This argument seems a bit weak because you simply state that the people who undergo the death penalty deserve it. In my opinion, you should try to emphasise the countless deaths which these people have caused. You haven’t really substantiated the idea that these people deserve it. Instead, I feel like you assume that by mentioning a deranged serial killer as an example, you’ll instantly prove that they’re deserving of the death oenalty. I personally feel like you should emphasise the pain and suffering they caused. The countless deaths and the families who mourn for the deceased victims. Playing at people’s sympathy can be really powerful in a persuasive.

Many people argue that the death penalty is unfair because it doesn't let criminals have another chance at life. The death penalty would only be used on criminals, who are unable to be rehabilitated. If one is able to snatch life so quickly, they must be aware of the consequences to come. What you’ve done is ok, but I think that you should stress that these people are heartless cold blooded killers who are incapable of remorse and rehabilitation. I think that depicting them as these atrocious human beings incapable of empathy will assist your argument.

In conclusion, the death penalty should be reinstated in Australia, for the following reasons. Instead of having to house inmates and waste resources we can execute the ones who don't deserve to live. The death penalty would only be used on people who are so evil that they just don't deserve to live. If one is ready to snatch a life so quickly, they must be aware of the consequences.

Thanks for reading,


Hugo  8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
Overall it’s a decent essay with a few things that I think you can do to improve it. Keep up the good work  :)

Edit: Screwed up the wording of some sentences which I changed
« Last Edit: December 07, 2017, 03:05:14 pm by zhen »

hegihugo

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2017, 01:44:15 pm »
0

Overall it’s a decent essay with a few things that I think you can do to improve it. Keep up the good work  :)

Hi Zhen, I was for the death penalty in that essay. Also do you mind just marking my story as well?

Hugo

zhen

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2017, 03:02:50 pm »
+1
Hi Zhen, I was for the death penalty in that essay. Also do you mind just marking my story as well?

Hugo
Whoops. I think I know where you’re confused with what I said. I meant life in prison is actually cheaper than the death penalty. I’ll mark your story later cause I just came back after getting my Ls.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2017, 03:05:35 pm by zhen »

zhen

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #21 on: December 08, 2017, 12:19:35 am »
+1
Story Prompt: "There are two kind of people on this world: those who try once and give up, and those who try and never give up."

It was a cold Christmas eve, my family had gone to Hawaii, and I was stuck here in a bar next to my best friend. It wasn't that busy inside of the bar, in-fact we were the only people there. The bar was poorly heated Maybe find a better description, cause poorly heated sounds a bit bland. It’s good that you’re trying to describe things but in my opinion be more specific and explicit in your descriptions , with only a small fireplace which was supposed to provide heat for the whole place. This bar had been here since 1872, and it sure looked like it. The whole place was covered in dust, and the wooden floors were rotting. The walls were made out of bricks, which had been painted in a bright yellow. Not sure but maybe choose a different colour. You present us with this cool and old environment which contrasts with the bright yellow bricks. I feel like a dull colour would set the atmosphere better maybe. Honestly this probably doesn’t matter at all, but just putting it out there.

After reading your entire thing, I feel like there’s an imbalance between the description and actual amount of story here. I feel like you should have been more concise in your descriptions of the bar. I feel like having too much description of something which isn’t as important may not add too much to your creative. Before it really helped to set the atmosphere, but in this creative I don’t think that the atmosphere is as important. Also, I think try to be a bit more eloquent in your expression. Like maybe say something like While small waves of heat emanated from the fireplace, I could still feel the cool air pressing against my skin. That’s a bit dodgy in my opinion, but I think you get the general idea.

The barman was an old, but kind man with a beard reaching down to his chest. He was bald, and always wore the same clothes, a pair of black dress pants and a white button up shirt.

Right next to me was my best best friend, he had just been recently married; but from the sound of it, it wasn't going very well. He was the complete opposite from me. When we met at university. While he had already amassed a large amount of money, I was the typical broke university student, and I was still broke.
It’s not a good sign when I’m not sure of what the plot is halfway through your piece. I think there is way too much setting the scene here and backstory going on and not enough real story. For your last creative it felt like things were progressing as you were following your life and what lead up to the loss of happiness. For this one, it feel like you’re setting the scene for something bigger to happen. But in my opinion, you spend too long doing this.

It was getting late, and the barman had to close the bar, so he called last drinks. By that period in time we were both drunk. My friend glanced at me, whilst sipping a large glass of whisky. "There are two types of people in this world: people who try and give up, and people who try, fail but never give up. Which one are you?" His piercing stare made me uncomfortable. "I just found out I have a incurable cancer," He started to tear up. " I want to to travel around the world with you, I want to try and encourage other to do their best, so that they can be happy and not make the same mistakes as me! Will you come?" This is all so sudden and abrupt. It feels like you’re forcing the plot along to finish your creative. Also, what mistakes did this friend make since it could be important in creating a message to the story.

I feel like you need to cut out the unnecessary details. I personally ignore everything that doesn’t matter. Like I personally wouldn’t mention that the barman had to close soon or that you were both drunk as I don’t think it adds to the plot. Yes I love having detailed descriptions but if it ends up hindering your plot development by this much then it’s not worth it. I feel like you need to find a balance between description and plot. Like in the previous creatives they were great at setting the scene, but right now it doesn’t feel like it adds much.

It was Christmas eve, my family, were away in Hawaii. I looked him straight in the eyes, thinking about what he said, and I nodded.

Thanks for reading!

Hugo 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
Honestly, I felt like this wasn’t your strongest piece of writing especially compared to your last piece. Hopefully it was just a bad day. I feel like the plot wasn’t great in my opinion. It felt like you tried to force the prompt. I think the friend is not giving up and that’s the focus of the story, but the way the plot is presented isn’t great in my opinion. I feel like you could have done a much better creative by writing from the point of view of a person suffering from an incurable disease. Maybe show them giving up at first and then show their evolution and determination to live life to the fullest. I feel like that’d make a better story. Anyway, keep trying hard and I’ll keep marking these essays. Feel free to ask any questions or if you spot me saying something weird and don’t understand. e.g. The last essay I marked where I was supposed to say life in prison is actually cheaper than the death penalty but I said the opposite

Edit: Looking through your other pieces, I feel like you constantly alternate between plot progression and description. Here it just feels like a chunk of description at the start. Again, descriptions are great, but you should aim to be more concise and brief with your descriptions.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2017, 12:33:10 am by zhen »

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2017, 07:54:33 pm »
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Stimulus: Imagine you have lost something precious, you have lost it and it has been returned to you.

On the very day I was given birth to, the great-grandmother wrote me a confidential letter that was only for me. At the age of five, she sadly passed away  through unknown causes. I remember the air of melancholy that was surrounding our family at that time. The unanticipated death struck my heart, just to suffer this grief was already making me weep. The sentimental moments with my great-grandmother were unconditionally affectionate and I was longing that she would come back alive. The letter that she had wrote to me had always been laying on my old and antiquated bedside table.

That very day she died, I had problems sleeping. Maybe it was rain, or thunder, or maybe it could just be me. But there was one view that would be able to comfort me; a view of great-grandmother in the cloud above looking over us."

Next morning I woke up to find that my letter was missing. I screamed "AhhhHHhhHHhHhH, MUM, I'VE LOST MY LETTER!" I meticulously looked through the house for the letter, as it contained a precious message for me. In the end, I ran out of luck, just with dust in my hand.

A few years later, when I could read, I was laying on my newly-bought bed as a postman walked to our mailbox and placed a large white mail in it. I reluctantly got up to collect the mail as it was my job all the time. When I collected the mail and read the title, I was shocked. It was my name; "James" Eager, I ran back in to my bed and slowly ripped open the top. Suddenly, I smelt a nostalgic aroma that reminded him of his great-grandmother. I ripped open the entire parcel, discovering that it was great-grandmothers letter. I then started to read the letter as I teared up in joy. "Dear James, I am your great-grandmother and I .........."

What struck me the most is how the letter had gone mysteriously missing without a trace and who would've decided to send the letter back, even knowing it was mine.
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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #23 on: December 10, 2017, 09:58:44 pm »
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Medieval Comparative Essay - Recent 40 min essay. If you can bother correcting, I would appreciate it.

“Justice is the truth in action”, and its significance will not fade with time. However in modern Australia, justice is carried out differently to how it would of been in medieval England, hundreds of years ago. Crimes, trials and punishments have changed significantly from the view of humanity, however many miniature details still remain with us.

Crimes can exist in many forms, but many deeds that were considered ‘crimes’ in medieval England, are nothing abnormal now. In medieval England it was extremely easy to commit a crime. Lesser crimes included not working hard enough, gossiping, ‘witchcraft’, adultery (cheating), heresy, being drunk and petty theft. More grievous crimes constituted of murder, rape and high treason (Prezi 2014). Likewise, these crimes are still considered iniquitous today. On the contrary, most of the lesser crimes in medieval England currently aren’t regarded as felony, but are still despised. Nowadays, new types of crimes have also emerged due to the advancements in technology. The internet allows for cybercrimes such as attacking someone's computer with malware, online scams, illegal trades, phishing, cyber bullying or even accessing prohibited content. In a similar way, with the invention of the car, crimes like speeding and illegal parking came to existence. It is evident that most serious crimes existed both past and present, however minor offences have changed with the development of the human race.

Trials were the method used to decide if someone was innocent or guilty, and hasn’t changed much since the medieval period. In early medieval europe, trial by ordeal was the method used, but it soon evolved to become trial by jury, the method we use today. There were many forms of trial by ordeal, all of which relied on the decision of god, these include: trial by fire, trial by battle and trial by water. Today, many would question these approaches and deem them impractical. This led to the development of trial by jury, 50 years later it was written in the Magna Carta that everyone had the right to trial by jury. With this, trial by jury soon replaced trial by ordeal and became the preeminent trialing system. Contrary to trial by ordeal, trial by jury is completely based on the decision of the juries; the twelve common people who represent the local community. Juries are from diverse backgrounds and have no relation with the accused, so the result is more likely to be neutral. Trial by jury is also a innocent until proven guilty system, unlike trial by ordeal which is guilty until proven innocent. Though both trial by ordeal and trial by jury were created in the medieval period. It is palpable that trial by jury, which relies on human knowledge, is principally different to trial by ordeal which relied on the decision of god.

A guilty person is bound to be punished, but the punishments that existed in medieval england greatly differ from the punishments of present day Australia. In early medieval times, punishments were very common, because of the unfair luck-based trial system used. A variety of methods were used to discipline the offender, they comprise of fines, shaming (being placed in stocks), mutilation or death. Mutilation and death were by far the worst possible punishments, mutilation could involve castration or binding. Many aspects have to be taken into consideration before capital punishments to decide how someone will die, nobel's will be beheaded whereas peasants would be lynched. However most of these practices are very immoral so Australia has abrogated them and replaced them with imprisonment. Nonetheless, fines still exist as they are feasible and effective. Despite the fact that many medieval punishments have been abandoned due to ethical and moral issues, fines are still a proficient way of disciplining felons.

It is quite clear that there has been a recognizable change in crimes, trials and punishments since medieval Europe. There has been a constant change in what is considered a crime, and our constantly evolving technology has also created new methods of committing crime. Furthermore, trials changed drastically in the medieval period, but has yet to change since then. Finally, many punishments have been deserted because they were considered inhumane.
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hegihugo

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #24 on: December 12, 2017, 06:00:01 pm »
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Waddup,

Wrote 3 pieces yesterday...

Essay #1

Stimulus: Security cameras are a breach of privacy, so we should ban them.

Technology has impacted the world greatly. It has improved every state of our lives including security. Surveillance cameras are a device that records a specific area/ This particular device has made a massive impact in reducing crime. It allows for people to have hard evidence. They also encourage criminals to commit less crimes, as it gets risker. So why should we ban security cameras?

For decades police men have been trying to solve crimes through piecing together evidence. Why would they have to do that when they have video evidence of a particular person committing a particular crimes? Surveillance cameras allow for police to sole a lot more petty crimes, this gives the police more time to focus on more important matters.

Security cameras also create more risks for criminals. Criminals, now have to plan their specific crime, which involves trying to avoid security cameras. Security cameras add a extra barrier of safety to the public. They make it harder to commit a crime. There fore pressuring criminals to fund a new way to find money.

Many people argue that security cameras breach their privacy. To a certain extent this is true, but you are also agreeing to yourself being filmed. Security camera out into private properties, such as shopping centers or gas stations. Do by entering a specific place you are agreeing to be filmed through surveillance cameras. Security cameras ensure security, and are used to enforce it.

In conclusion, security cameras should not be banned for the following reasons. They allow police to access evidence easily and quickly, allowing for the police force to take part in more important matters. Security cameras also pressure criminals to not take part in crime, because it is much harder to successfully commit a crime. Although security cameras film us; they are used to film disorderly behavior. Security cameras ensure security, not breach it.


Thanks for reading!!

Hugo :)

hegihugo

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #25 on: December 12, 2017, 06:20:48 pm »
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Story #1

Prompt: Life is so different to when I was a kid.

Lie is so different to when I was a kid. As an adult I have to take on a lot more responsibilities, but as a kid I would be able to run around to my heart's contempt, free from the heathens of responsibilities. I could feel wind brushing past my face and I could see trees swaying from side to side. Now as an adult the wind brushing against my face is riddled with pollution; and the trees are no more, instead sky scrappers replace the trees. They reach to the heavens, whilst standing strong and tall.

Ever since I was young I had loved nature. When I was five I distinctly remember my parents and I riding our bikes to school. Everything changes so quickly. In 10 years, both my parents had dies and I was sent to an orphanage.In this orphanage, I was told to live and contribute for a group, to always think for a group. I was never told how to be different, never to be singular or different. It was ironic that the older I got the more I strayed away from what the government tell us what to do.

I live in a country where everybody is supposedly equal. Ironically all our land had been sold to large corporations and the gap between the poor and rich was widening. My country's iron like mind set started to have a great impact on my people. When people were subject to a mall change a large outrage would plague our country for years.

Now, with such a big change to our climate, my people are likening to a ticking time bomb, every second that passes the more hysterical they get. In every other country, people are dying. Animals and plants are unable to properly sustain themselves.

I remember my childhood distinctly, the warnings that we were given. We could of made a change. We could of let our thriving land, flourish for many years to come. Now it is too late; I now live in constant fear. All I can do is prepare for the worst. No longer do children play in large green fields. People haven't seen grass in decades. We now have to simulate the simple pleasures in life. Life is so different to when I was a kid.

Thanks for reading!!

Hugo  :)

zhen

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #26 on: December 12, 2017, 08:41:11 pm »
+1
Stimulus: Imagine you have lost something precious, you have lost it and it has been returned to you.

On the very day I was given birth to, the my great-grandmother wrote me a confidential letter that was only for me. At the age of five, she sadly passed away through unknown causes. I remember the air of melancholy that was surrounding our family at that time. The unanticipated death struck my heart, just to suffer this grief was already making me weep. Expression isn’t great here The sentimental moments with my great-grandmother were unconditionally affectionate and I was longing that she would come back alive. Sounds awkward and I think that it’s grammatically incorrect. Maybe say I was longing for her to come back to life. The letter that she had wrote to me had always been laying on my old and antiquated bedside table.  I like that you’re trying to improve your expression and description, but I feel like it feels forced and unnatural. Personally just off the top of my head I’d say something like this: Streams of tears flowed down my face as my entire being was thrust into an ocean of despair. I stood entirely frozen, unable to accept that my dear grandmother just died. Honestly, not that good but I think it describes the character’s emotions much better

The very day she died, I had problems sleeping. Maybe it was rain, or thunder, or maybe it could just be me. But there was one view that would be able to comfort me; a view of great-grandmother in the cloud above looking over us." I’m not sure where you’re going with this. It doesn’t seem useful to the plot. Honestly, this entire paragraph seems to just repeat the idea that you felt sad after her death which would have better integrated with the previous paragraph in my opinion.

Next morning I woke up to find that my letter was missing. I screamed "AhhhHHhhHHhHhH, MUM, I'VE LOST MY LETTER!" I meticulously looked through the house for the letter, as it contained a precious message for me. In the end, I ran out of luck, just with dust in my hand. The bit about the dust on your hand seems a bit jarring and seems added on at the end of that sentence. Also saying that you weren’t abl to find the letter is much clearer than saying you ran out of luck in my opinion.

A few years later, when I could read, I was laying on my newly-bought bed as a postman walked to our mailbox and placed a large white mail in it. I reluctantly got up to collect the mail as it was my job all the time. When I collected repetition the mail and read the title, I was shocked. It was my name; "James" Eager, I ran back in to my bed and slowly ripped open the top. Suddenly, I smelt a nostalgic aroma that reminded him of his Use first person cause that’s what you’ve been using the entire time great-grandmother. I ripped open the entire parcel, discovering that it was great-grandmothers letter. I then started to read the letter as I teared up in joy. "Dear James, I am your great-grandmother and I .........."

What struck me the most is how the letter had gone mysteriously missing without a trace and who would've decided to send the letter back, even knowing it was mine.

The plot is quite good honestly and was executed decently. However, I feel like your descriptions could definitely be better. I feel like you’re trying to make up for it by saying stuff like “I meticulously looked through the house”, but adding the word meticulously doesn’t really help much to make it better expressed or more detailed.

Waddup,

Wrote 3 pieces yesterday...

Essay #1

Stimulus: Security cameras are a breach of privacy, so we should ban them.

Technology has impacted the world greatly. It has improved every state of our lives including security. Surveillance cameras are a device that records a specific area. This particular device has made a massive impact in reducing crime. It allows for people to have hard evidence. This sentence seems very jarring cause there is no transition between sentences. Maybe say something like it also provides the police with evidence for potential crimes. They also encourage criminals to commit less crimes, as it gets risker. So why should we ban security cameras?

For decades police men have been trying to solve crimes through piecing together evidence. Why would they have to do that when they have video evidence of a particular person committing a particular crimes? Surveillance cameras allow for police to sole a lot more petty crimes, this gives the police more time to focus on more important matters. Just a suggestion, but instead of playing down the significance of these crimes, maybe emphasise them. Like say how these crimes are unjust and these criminals need to be caught, thus emphasising the benefits of security cameras.

Security cameras also create more risks for criminals. Criminals, now have to plan their specific crime, which involves trying to avoid security cameras. Security cameras add a extra barrier of safety to the public. They make it harder to commit a crime, therefore pressuring criminals to fund a new way to find money. Maybe emphasise the countless crimes prevented by security cameras and how it protects the public, which you’ve touched on briefly. It doesn’t feel persuasive enough as it is in my opinion. You need to show us how great security cameras are which you haven’t really done successfully in my opinion.

Many people argue that security cameras breach their privacy. To a certain extent this is true, but you are also agreeing to yourself being filmed. Security camera out into private properties Expression here isn’t the best, such as shopping centers or gas stations. What about public areas like train stations? Do by entering a specific place you are agreeing to be filmed through surveillance cameras. Security cameras ensure security, and are used to enforce it. I’d usually say that it’s bad to acknowledge that the opposition has a case, but I like your argument. I just didn’t think you expressed yourself well.

In conclusion, security cameras should not be banned for the following reasons. They allow police to access evidence easily and quickly, allowing for the police force to take part in more important matters. Security cameras also pressure criminals to not take part in crime, because it is much harder to successfully commit a crime. Although security cameras film us; they are used to film disorderly behavior. Security cameras ensure security, not breach it.


Thanks for reading!!

Hugo :)

I’m ok with the arguments presented honestly, but I think that you haven’t developed your arguments enough. Also, your expression and flow probably need a bit of work too.

Story #1

Prompt: Life is so different to when I was a kid.

Lie is so different to when I was a kid. As an adult I have to take on a lot more responsibilities, but as a kid I would be able to run around to my heart's contempt, free from the heathens think you misused this word of responsibilities. I could feel wind brushing past my face and I could see trees swaying from side to side. Now as an adult the wind brushing against my face is riddled with pollution; and the trees are no more, instead sky scrappers replace the trees. They reach to the heavens, whilst standing strong and tall.

Ever since I was young I had loved nature. You need to elaborate upon this idea. What did you love about nature. You move onto the next idea, which leaves this feeling incomplete. When I was five I distinctly remember my parents and I riding our bikes to school. What is the significance of this? Did you feel happy here and slowly you changed to a more bitter person after your parent’s deaths? If so, then mention it. Everything changes so quickly. In 10 years, both my parents had dies and I was sent to an orphanage. In this orphanage, I was told to live and contribute for a group, to always think for a group. I was never told how to be different, never to be singular or different. It was ironic that the older I got the more I strayed away from what the government tell us what to do.

I live in a country where everybody is supposedly equal. Ironically all our land had been sold to large corporations and the gap between the poor and rich was widening. My country's iron like mind set started to have a great impact on my people. When people were subject to a mall change a large outrage would plague our country for years.  I’m unsure how this fits into the whole creative. Like how does this show a difference between your childhood and adult perception of life? It’s not clear if the past was better in this aspect of life.

Now, with such a big change to our climate, my people are likening to a ticking time bomb Expression here is just weird , every second that passes the more hysterical they get. In every other country, people are dying. Animals and plants are unable to properly sustain themselves.

I remember my childhood distinctly, the warnings that we were given. We could of it’s could’ve not could of made a change. We could of let our thriving land, flourish for many years to come. Now it is too late; I now live in constant fear. All I can do is prepare for the worst. No longer do children play in large green fields. People haven't seen grass in decades. We now have to simulate the simple pleasures in life. Life is so different to when I was a kid.

Thanks for reading!!

Hugo  :)
Ok, so I did not like this creative at all. The whole creative was jumping around between the past and the present and comparing them. Doing this meant that the creative wasn’t structured well and was all over the place. If I had to write a creative on this topic, I would write about how life as a kid was carefree and happy. Then I would transition to the parents’ deaths and show how life became miserable and how as an adult you face more responsibilities and realise that the world is in fact quite a bitter place and not the wonderland that some kids perceive the world to be.


It’s great that you guys are writing essays over the holidays. Keep working hard.  ;D Also, Jack_Zhou, I’ll probably correct your essay later, but next time probably don’t post here cause it’s for selective school essays.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2017, 08:44:01 pm by zhen »

sf301

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #27 on: December 12, 2017, 10:12:04 pm »
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Hi Zhen,
Are you free to mark some of my essays? And how do I improve my vocabulary and reading comprehension skills for Selective? I'm in urgent need of what to do so can you help??
« Last Edit: December 12, 2017, 10:14:32 pm by sf301 »

hegihugo

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #28 on: December 12, 2017, 10:15:07 pm »
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The plot is quite good honestly and was executed decently. However, I feel like your descriptions could definitely be better. I feel like you’re trying to make up for it by saying stuff like “I meticulously looked through the house”, but adding the word meticulously doesn’t really help much to make it better expressed or more detailed.
I’m ok with the arguments presented honestly, but I think that you haven’t developed your arguments enough. Also, your expression and flow probably need a bit of work too.
Ok, so I did not like this creative at all. The whole creative was jumping around between the past and the present and comparing them. Doing this meant that the creative wasn’t structured well and was all over the place. If I had to write a creative on this topic, I would write about how life as a kid was carefree and happy. Then I would transition to the parents’ deaths and show how life became miserable and how as an adult you face more responsibilities and realise that the world is in fact quite a bitter place and not the wonderland that some kids perceive the world to be.


It’s great that you guys are writing essays over the holidays. Keep working hard.  ;D Also, Jack_Zhou, I’ll probably correct your essay later, but next time probably don’t post here cause it’s for selective school essays.

Hi Zhen,

Thanks for marking my essay. I do agree with you that I need to flesh out my ideas more... But how could I do that? Also, thanks for all the tips, could you also just give me some general info on how to structure, plan and write a good story.

P.S. Trying to write 3-4 stories/essays a day

Hugo

zhen

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #29 on: December 12, 2017, 10:32:32 pm »
+1
Hi Zhen,
Are you free to mark some of my essays? And how do I improve my vocabulary and reading comprehension skills for Selective? I'm in urgent need of what to do so can you help??
I’ll mark essays for everyone, but I probably won’t be able to mark any after the holidays, cause I’ll be busy with my own university stuff. For vocabulary and reading comprehension, generally reading more and looking up words you don’t know will improve these areas.

Hi Zhen,

Thanks for marking my essay. I do agree with you that I need to flesh out my ideas more... But how could I do that? Also, thanks for all the tips, could you also just give me some general info on how to structure, plan and write a good story.

P.S. Trying to write 3-4 stories/essays a day

Hugo
There are two ways to flesh out your ideas more. One way is literally to write more out which will naturally force you to explore your ideas more. The other way is to make your writing more concise. Never use more words than necessary. This way you can explore more ideas without writing more. Always ask yourself why is this advantage so good or why should we think that this argument is good?

For creatives, you need a beggining, a middle and an end. Generally you want an overall plot and a build up to a climax and eventually a conclusion. Basically what was wrong with that essay in my opinion was that there was no underlying plot. It was a story about an adult comparing his life from his childhood until now. Also, the structure was off because of the frequent shifts between his adult self thinking about the present and about his childhood. Instead, I feel like you should just take a chronological approach, meaning that you track his life as he grows older. This approach is less clunky. I think that you should just structure your creatives as simply as possible. Doing complex structures are too difficult in the time constraint, so usually chronological is the way to go.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2017, 10:34:10 pm by zhen »