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September 23, 2023, 12:15:32 am

Author Topic: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam  (Read 41256 times)  Share 

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GodNifty

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #150 on: April 07, 2019, 08:44:42 pm »
+1
As employment is essential for a functioning economy, we Don't use pronouns must find a good balance between work and leisure time in order to satisfy people's needs. A three-day weekend would not only minimize downtime at work, but also help the economy. Introduction is a bit weak. You've said that there should be a good balance between work and leisure time, but didn't properly explain why. Also don't really see how it will help the economy. My first thought when reading this is that a three day weekend means no one would work, thus less business.

Currently, our two days off per week leave us with five working days and 40 hours of work for people with nine-to-five jobs Don't be too specific. This is simply too much don't add own opinion by itself. Some employees even spend over half of their time at work unproductively where's the proof? Any evidence supporting this claim?. Cutting the two-day break into a three-day one would only solve this problem and noticably boost productivity due to employees becoming accustomed to working time-efficiently since they would have less down-time.

However, a three-day weekend would not only benefit employees; businesses would also feel positive effects. We have Saturday as part of the weekend due to Henry Ford setting a trend to allow working-class people a day off to spend more of the money they had earned. If we allowed another day off, we would most definitely see an increase in recreational shopping, which could lead to a huge economic boost. This effect would be felt by businesses and workers alike. ok, they get to spend their earnings on shops, but what about buyer's job? wouldn't they have less business because less people are working? this point is applicable to one side, but not the other

In conclusion, a three-day weekend would boost economic performance by helping productivity and allowing middle-class citizens to spend more of their earnings.

Sorry, on a time crunch right now.
Feedback:
- Don't use pronouns
- Make sure to give evidence that support your argument
- Intro and conclusion quite short, try to extend it a little bit by discussing other ways 3 day weekends can help

Double UwU

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #151 on: April 07, 2019, 09:03:52 pm »
0
Sorry, on a time crunch right now.
Feedback:
- Don't use pronouns
- Make sure to give evidence that support your argument
- Intro and conclusion quite short, try to extend it a little bit by discussing other ways 3 day weekends can help


Hey GodNifty, thanks for the feedback. However, how do you think I should give evidence if I'm doing a test? Since I can't just say "surveys show X"?

GodNifty

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #152 on: April 07, 2019, 09:39:54 pm »
+1
Hey GodNifty, thanks for the feedback. However, how do you think I should give evidence if I'm doing a test? Since I can't just say "surveys show X"?
If you don't have evidence to back up what you write, then don't write it at all.
 
'Some employees even spend over half of their time at work unproductively' - while this could be true, explain how they work unproductively.

To put it in another perspective, let's pretend that I'm your manager. If I fire you because you don't do anything during your shift, I have to give evidence and proof, rather than letting you go without a reason.

Double UwU

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #153 on: April 07, 2019, 09:52:00 pm »
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If you don't have evidence to back up what you write, then don't write it at all.
 
'Some employees even spend over half of their time at work unproductively' - while this could be true, explain how they work unproductively.

To put it in another perspective, let's pretend that I'm your manager. If I fire you because you don't do anything during your shift, I have to give evidence and proof, rather than letting you go without a reason.

Oh yeah that's true. Thanks for the help :)

ProbotMelbourne

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #154 on: April 09, 2019, 07:20:18 pm »
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Hi everyone, didnít upload in a LONG time due to how busy I was in the school days, though I did write some essays. Iím not sure if I have improved much or not from last time but I have tried to correct my mistakes. Itíd be much appreciated if someone reads my essay, thanks. This was done in around 30 mins(plan and essay)
I was advised to keep a basic plot, so I tried the most basic plot possible to my potent.

TOPIC: itís a picture of a guy who is in the ocean(no diving equipment) and an elephant above the person. The elephant is also in the sea but itís not touching the person.

He found himself floundering in a sea of fresh blue seawater. He panics. He then dives down below to discover what mystery hides in the beautiful ocean. This was also a great opportunity for him to finally utilise his powers to see, hear and breath in the ocean.

His eyes stare in amazement as the blue whale strolls towards a small fish, the blue whale shooting water to the air and the white mesmerising eyes caught his attention the most. The clownfish being hunted by the blue whale shoots a gurgling voice, going in his left ear and out his right. He feels the water go in his speedos sweatshirt, and the bubbles dashing out towards the horizon. He has many questions to ask himself, such as howíd he get here from playing his video game or if he even was going to survive but he wanted to make the most of his chance to be in the ocean alone, exploring the natural beauties. His strict Mum and Dad would not let him out of his house anyways, unless it was for educational purposes.

He shoots himself up, creating a huge whirlpool of water as his thin body is the only thing above the ocean. His arm let loose, spinning around his body. He then dives straight back down. As he goes down to the deep, the pressure of water kicks against his t shirt. Above him, the glow of the surface becomes more dim, more distant.

In the deep, with the brine flowing past his limbs, there is freedom. The sea has so many secrets, so many stories yet to tell. Here, his body has no weight that means anything, he can glide in any direction without fear of falling. He then realises, this place, so far from his ordinary gaming world above, is the the wonderland of his dreams.

He dives deeper down, not stopping, letting all the sharks and fishes zoom up. Once all the sharks, fishes and all the sea animals are gone, he stops. He thinks he is all alone, until a fish catches his attention. With scales like the most delicate of armour plating, the fish strolled its way up, choosing the slower path of water.

After the gorgeous nature that he discovered far below from the land of boredom, he turns his head up to go back to the surface. He suddenly moves his face back up as he sees a enormous elephant above him. Alive.


GodNifty

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #155 on: April 10, 2019, 11:23:02 am »
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Hi everyone, didnít upload in a LONG time due to how busy I was in the school days, though I did write some essays. Iím not sure if I have improved much or not from last time but I have tried to correct my mistakes. Itíd be much appreciated if someone reads my essay, thanks. This was done in around 30 mins(plan and essay)
I was advised to keep a basic plot, so I tried the most basic plot possible to my potent.

TOPIC: itís a picture of a guy who is in the ocean(no diving equipment) and an elephant above the person. The elephant is also in the sea but itís not touching the person.

He found himself floundering in a sea of fresh blue seawater. He panics. He then dives down below to discover what mystery hides in the beautiful ocean. This was also a great opportunity for him to finally utilise his powers to see, hear and breath in the ocean.

His eyes stare in amazement as the blue whale strolls towards a small fish, the blue whale shooting water to the air and the white mesmerising eyes caught his attention the most. The clownfish being hunted by the blue whale shoots a gurgling voice, going in his left ear and out his right. He feels the water go in his speedos sweatshirt, and the bubbles dashing out towards the horizon. He has many questions to ask himself, such as howíd he get here from playing his video game or if he even was going to survive but he wanted to make the most of his chance to be in the ocean alone, exploring the natural beauties. His strict Mum and Dad would not let him out of his house anyways, unless it was for educational purposes.

He shoots himself up, creating a huge whirlpool of water as his thin body is the only thing above the ocean. His arm let loose, spinning around his body. He then dives straight back down. As he goes down to the deep, the pressure of water kicks against his t shirt. Above him, the glow of the surface becomes more dim, more distant.

In the deep, with the brine flowing past his limbs, there is freedom. The sea has so many secrets, so many stories yet to tell. Here, his body has no weight that means anything, he can glide in any direction without fear of falling. He then realises, this place, so far from his ordinary gaming world above, is the the wonderland of his dreams.

He dives deeper down, not stopping, letting all the sharks and fishes zoom up. Once all the sharks, fishes and all the sea animals are gone, he stops. He thinks he is all alone, until a fish catches his attention. With scales like the most delicate of armour plating, the fish strolled its way up, choosing the slower path of water.

After the gorgeous nature that he discovered far below from the land of boredom, he turns his head up to go back to the surface. He suddenly moves his face back up as he sees a enormous elephant above him. Alive.
Had a quick read of your essay, and honestly it's pretty well written. There's been a few wordings that don't sound really good like 'His strict Mum and Dad would not let him out of his house anyways...'

Did you have time to read over? I feel like if you proof read it then you'd be able to pick up the minor details and amend it.
Overall, really good step up from last efforts. I definitely believe you are capable of doing well in the writing sections.   

ProbotMelbourne

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Re: Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam
« Reply #156 on: April 10, 2019, 11:48:40 am »
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Had a quick read of your essay, and honestly it's pretty well written. There's been a few wordings that don't sound really good like 'His strict Mum and Dad would not let him out of his house anyways...'

Did you have time to read over? I feel like if you proof read it then you'd be able to pick up the minor details and amend it.
Overall, really good step up from last efforts. I definitely believe you are capable of doing well in the writing sections.   

I had time to proof read it but I didnít pick up the minor details.
Thanks for reading it, and for the feedback. :)
« Last Edit: April 10, 2019, 11:50:49 am by ProbotMelbourne »