Essay Marking for the Selective School Exam

[hegihugo]

Story #1

Prompt: "I was at the point of no return."

I hadn't had a very good childhood. My parents were barely at home; and when they were it was usally to have aquick rest, so they could go back to work.

I lived in a large and grand castle in the country side. My parents had amassed a large wealth in the development of chemicals. Due to my parents constant absence I was looked after the staff they had hired.

There were 18 staff members, to cater for all my needs. There were five kitchen staff, five gardeners, five butlers, a door man, a personal butler and a nanny.

My personal butler and nanny served as my parents. They had taught me everything. Although they could only teach me so much. My butler was a tall and skinny man, who was always clean shave with a bed of hair that resembles the colour of dark chocolate. Whilst my nanny was a young , short and stubby woman. She was extremely strict but was gentle. They both wanted the best fir me; and worked tirelessly to my every need.

At the age of 12 mt parents decided to me to boarding school. I attended the best school in the whole of England, a school where I could converse with my fellow elitist peers. Of course, the school was nice, but I had missed my home. This would soon be the least of my concerns.

I fell in with a bad crowd. I was at first reluctant to take part in their ways, but with the news of the resignation of my butler and nanny I had nothing to lose. These kids exposed me to a lot of things. One of them being heroin. I once heard a saying that drugs were above high class society, it was obviously wrong.

As I hung out with these kids my introduction to heroin, became an addiction. I was plunging into the deep dark hole of addiction and I was at the point of no return. My life started to spiral out of control, every opportunity I was offered were dropping like birds. I had lost everything.  couldn't get out of this situation. SO that is why I'm writing ti you, I have got nothing going for me, that is why I'm going to end it all. To stop the constant, sharp pain that is life.\

Thanks for reading,

Hugo (This one is really dark)

[hegihugo]

Essay #1

Stimulus: Should religious organisations be taxed?

Religion takes place in nearly everybody's life. Yet, with the losing influence of the church and other organisations, if begs the question: what are they using all the money they have accumulated in the past for? Religious organisations are incredibly wealthy, but don't pay any tax. So why don't they have to pay tax? If we were to tax them them the Australian government can use the money for all members of society. By not taxing religious institutions we show that the Australian government has an inconsistent point of view. If we don't tax religious organisations, we shouldn't tax anybody.

Religious organisations are incredibly wealthy. Some religions are wealthy enough to be self sufficient, and run their own country. So why should they be exempt form tax? With religious organisation being exempt tax, they are able to selectively help people. Whilst if they are made to pay tax, the government can spend that money on aiding the whole of Australia, regardless of their beliefs.

By us not taxing some organisations over others. We giving the idea that we are unfair. That we prioritize some organisations over others. We are living in an age where everybody is fighting for equality, so why should we give off the image that we prioritize others? We (the Australian people) are moving backwards, we are presenting to companies that we treat different organisations unequally.

Many people believe, that because religious organisations have been exempt from tax that we should keep it that way. Recently, we have seen some countries move from this mindset. For instance, Ireland, an extremely conservative country; has started to tax the church. We wouldn't be taxing religious organisations too greatly, we would only be taxing them enough to cater for all of our citizens. Religious organisations earn a lot of money, so why would it be bad, to use that money for everybody?

In conclusion, religious organisations should be taxed for the following reasons: they are extremely wealthy organisations that are using money exclusively for their followers. Instead we could be using that money for the public. We are also giving companies a bad idea, that we are biased. Although religious organisation haven't been taxed ever, that should not ploy our path to becoming a more equal society.

Thanks for reading,

Hugo

P.S. Gonna post the rest of my essays/ stories tomorrow. Also I want to find a different way to ask rhetorical questions, could somebody give me some advice? How to reword them/ alternatives. As always please give me some tips/ advice to improving my writing: eg different arguments, different wording etc.

[TheSapaInca]

Prompt: "I was at the point of no return."
(same topics and Hugo)

After my parents abruptly had an ugly divorce when I was fourteen years old, it left me in an ocean of despair. I had no choice but to be put in boarding school. Understanding such unprecedented act that hadn't of been witnessed in our house before was highly unbelievable. I had a great and jovial childhood, of which one could imagined of; both domestic and international trips, theme parks and movie nights. These memorable moments when my parents unconditionally loved me deeply evoked nostalgia in me. The only reply I gave to it was a stream of tears.

When I finished my final year in high school, neither of my parents came to my graduation. I had finally realised the inimical but honest truth, neither of them cared about me anymore. I started to feel desolated and that no one had ever cared for me.. It felt like the neurotic epidemic had took my life over. But what shook me the most is how hostile and childlike my parents ended their situations.

I am by myself now, in university. A few days later, I had received a text message from my mother. I felt disinterested but continued to read.
"Dear James, I am so sorry for what both your father and I have done to you. We are back together and we...." Just as I read that sentence, I closed the phone.  "I was at the point of no return."

[hegihugo]

Waddup,

Essay #2

Stimulus: Should the drinking age be lowered from 18  to a younger age?
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Alcohol has been a big part of our culture for hundreds of years. For instance, in the medieval times it was used because it was one of the only safe forms of liquid to drink. Through the ages the drinking age was gradually raised. So with the current law on alcohol, should we lower the drinking age?

Recently a lot of evidence has been contributing to this particular debate. A lot of research shows that alcohol is harmful to the development of the brain, and should only start to be consumed when a person turns 21. With the current data shown through this research; we shouldn't lower the drinking age, we should make it higher. It is clear through scientific research, that alcohol is detrimental to a child's development.

With the lowering age of for drinking, the government may also signify that they are becoming more lenient. This sort of mindset that the children develop will lead to them trying other harmful substances. We should not be giving children the idea that is is okay ti consume harmful substances. Before this time it was common to see children drink alcohol, due to the fact that there wasn't a suitable form of clean liquid. We live in an age where we have access to clean water. Thus, rendering the point of alcohol consumption for minors.

Besides, it is basic human instinct... Anything a human cannot get only fuels the craving for it. Instead of teaching kids of how they should not consume alcohol, we should find an alternative. By not fueling the so called "need" for alcohol that so many children crave, we are indirectly dismiss their need for alcohol.

In conclusion, Australia should not lower the drinking age, we should raise it. Due to the following reasons: numerous studies show the harmful effects of alcohol consumption; it also  encourages kids that they are allowed to take other harmful substances, even though parents want the complete opposite.


Thanks for reading,

Hugo

[hegihugo]

Waddup,

Story #2
Prompt: "It totally destroyed me."

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The war brought the worst in us. Everybody was fighting to be the best. All I could remember was the day before the war ended.

I was an army officer, sent to France. I was sent there to hep defend a small region in the countryside, I could just remember the horrid conditions. We had to build trenches to avoid enemy fire. Long rotten wooden planks lined the walls. The floor was just dirt, but die to the constant raining we would be constantly walking on mud. The floor was riddled with cockroaches . Every room you would enter would be infested with rats.

Our morale was detrimentally low and we all wanted to go back home. I can remember the vents leading to the end of the war. The Germans still had the upper hand where we were. We just heard that they were planning a surprise attack.

My whole battalion were suiting up for battle were suiting up for battle, but it was too late. The Germans had already started to attack our base. I recall all the brave men next to me being shot off like flies. One by one the Germans were slaughtering each of my men. It totally destroyed me, all these men had families. I couldn't get the point of all this murder.

The remainder of us were taken prisoner. I was angry, but most of all, I was confused. We were fighting for nothing. I would soon join so many of my men in the heavens.

The Germans treated horrifically. I could only imagine what they would do if the was went on for longer. After hours of being taken prisoner, a rumor started to spread. All of my remaining men were too frighted to ask our custodians. We waited patiently in the dark and small room, the Germans called a jail cell. The conditions were inhumane. They were worse than our very own trenches. The Germans managed to store us all into the cell, one of my men had rats nibbling at his rotten flesh.

After a while, a big commotion was coming towards our cell. A bright light was escaping from the room next door. It was the captain of the German army, he told us that the war had ended, we were freed.

Thanks for reading,

Hugo

[hegihugo]

Waddup,

Prompt: 'family is everything'
Story #2

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As a kid I wasn't that close to my family. Our family barely afford anything. We lived in the worst part of town. A place so bad it looked like it was from a movie.

My parents were barely home. Mum was away at night, but was at home during the day, and my Dad was an addict that constantly came in and out of rehab. My Mother was a kind hearted woman, but due to the fact that I didn't really see her that often I didn't really develop a strong relationship with her. My Dad on the other hand was a mean spirited gimp. He was constantly bullying my mother, and when he wasn't bullying her he was stealing from her purse. Luckily, my Dad wasn't at home very often.

Once, I started to grow up I followed my father's foot steps. Constantly trying to fnd a way to get a quick fix. Drugs were something that made me happy, they were a form of ecapism for me. This addiction started to overcome me. Very soon after consuming this drug I was unable to feel the same effect. So I took more; and more; and more; until I overdosed.

My Mother could barely afford to look after me. Let alone fund my hospital bill. I was in trouble. I couldn't afford the care I was being given. It was very likley that I would be put off life support.

I can distinctly remember being in a all white hospital room, the constant screeching from other patients slowly made me go crazy. Suddenly, it all stopped, everything. I was no longer in a hospital room. I was some where else. Some where dark. The whole place was pitch black. I then started to stroll around. I could see my mother and father. My mother was working and putting all her earnings into a jar. On it, it read: "hospital fund". My dad was also working to put this money into the jar. He was all cleaned up, he was cleanly shaven and wore reasonable looking clothes.

They had both go their act together. I had woken up. I was back in the hospital room. Weirdly, the screeching from the other patients made me feel comfortable. My family did everything for me, they worked out their differences for me, family is everything to me

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Thanks for reading,

Hugo

[hegihugo]

Waddup,
Essay #1 (from yesterday)

Stimulus: School uniforms should be banned from all schools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Australia nearly every school makes their students wear a school uniform. School uniforms are put into place so that they can make everybody equal, which will not lead to students competing for who has the best outfit. If school uniforms are working for the schools and students why should we ban them?

School uniforms are put into place so that students don't have to be worried about spending a lot of money on clothes. Granted, some school uniforms are expensive, but a child has to wear them everyday. Unlike normal clothes which would have to be changed every day. School uniforms allows kids who normally cannot spend a lot of money on normal clothes, to be free from oppression that would be brought onto them by other children.

If school uniforms were banned it would start a competition between student, about who has the best clothes. Children do not go to school to compete with others about who has the best clothing. Students would become distracted form the real task at hand, which is their education.

When this debate comes to play many students argue that school uniforms breach their individuality. To a certain extent, this is true. School uniforms are put into place so that everybody looks the same. School is a place of education; not how well a student can dress. By not having school uniforms, students would only have another layer of distraction added onto their day.

In conclusion, school uniforms should not be banned for the following reasons: they make everybody equal. Giving kids of all socio-economic backgrounds to co-exist. With school uniforms put into place, there is no competition. Kids won't have to compete against each other for who has the most expensive outfit, or who has the best outfit. Despite many children arguing that school uniform goes against their individuality; there is a time and a place for that, and school is neither of those things.
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Thanks for reading,

Hugo

[Eric11267]

Zhen asked me to help alleviate his workload so I'll provide feedback for a few of these

Story #1

Prompt: "I was at the point of no return."

I hadn't had a very good childhood. My parents were barely at home; and when they were it was usally to have aquick rest, so they could go back to work.

I lived in a large and grand castle in the country side. My parents had amassed a large wealth in the development of chemicals. Due to my parents constant absence I was looked after the staff they had hired.

There were 18 staff members, to cater for all my needs. There were five kitchen staff, five gardeners, five butlers, a door man, a personal butler and a nanny.

My personal butler and nanny served as my parents. They had taught me everything. Although they could only teach me so much. My butler was a tall and skinny man, who was always clean shave with a bed of hair that resembles the colour of dark chocolate. Whilst my nanny was a young , short and stubby woman. She was extremely strict but was gentle. They both wanted the best fir me; and worked tirelessly to my every need.

At the age of 12 mt parents decided to me to boarding school. I attended the best school in the whole of England, a school where I could converse with my fellow elitist peers. Of course, the school was nice, but I had missed my home. This would soon be the least of my concerns.

I fell in with a bad crowd. I was at first reluctant to take part in their ways, but with the news of the resignation of my butler and nanny I had nothing to lose. These kids exposed me to a lot of things. One of them being heroin. I once heard a saying that drugs were above high class society, it was obviously wrong.
I feel that this entire start bit is pretty unnecessary as it doesn't really advance your story/character that much. I would really try to avoid exposition/backstory for your character as it often becomes needlessly included. The examiner should be placed straight into the crux of the story rather than having to traverse through a load of filler. Your somewhat dark approach to the prompt was fine, but you could have focused more on the "point of no return" and detailed the way in which his addiction has affected him, or even describing its severity. 

As I hung out with these kids my introduction to heroin, became an addiction. I was plunging into the deep dark hole of addiction and I was at the point of no return. My life started to spiral out of control, every opportunity I was offered dropped like birds. I had lost everything. I couldn't get out of this situation. SO that is why I'm writing to you, I have got nothing going for me, that is why I'm going to end it all. To stop the constant, sharp very nitpicky but I wouldn't really describe life as a sharp painpain that is life.
This is more the kind of stuff you should be focusing on. The fact that the protagonist is privileged only needs to be mentioned once and the amount of detail you went into was unnecessary


Thanks for reading,

Hugo (This one is really dark)

Essay #1

Stimulus: Should religious organisations be taxed?

Religion takes place in nearly everybody's life. Yet, with the losing influence of the church and other organisations, it begs the question: what are they using all the money they have accumulated in the past for? Religious organisations are incredibly wealthy, but don't pay any tax. So why don't they have to pay tax? If we were to tax them then the Australian government can use the money for all members of society. By not taxing religious institutions we show that the Australian government has an inconsistent point of view maybe word it differently suggesting that the government is being hypocritical and that its unjust. If we don't tax religious organisations, we shouldn't tax anybody.

Religious organisations are incredibly wealthyrepetition, try to rephrase it slightly differently. Also I would say with topic sentences try not to make it super obvious that you're just listing arguments. The sentence here is very short and it interrupts the flow of reading. Some religions are wealthy enough to be self sufficient, and run their own country. So why should they be exempt fromtax? With religious organisation being exempt tax, they are able to selectively help people. Whilst if they are made to pay tax, the government can spend that money on aiding the whole of Australia, regardless of their beliefs. Try to emphasize that taxation of religious institutions benefits the country as a whole as opposed to advancing the status of selfish individuals.

By us not taxing some organisations over others. We giving the idea that we are unfair needs rephrasing. That don't start a sentence with that we prioritize some organisations over others. We are living in an age where everybody is fighting for equality, so why should we give off the imageI'm seeing a tendency to use similar phrases such as present and give off that we prioritize others? We (the Australian people) are moving backwards, we are showing companieswhich companies? I don't really understand this that we treat different organisations unequally.

Many people believe, that because religious organisations have been exempt from tax that we should keep it that way. Recently, we have seen some countries move from this mindset. Maybe you should try to argue how absurd this mindset is and how its very close minded For instance, Ireland, an extremely conservative country; has started to tax the church. We wouldn't be taxing religious organisations too greatly, we would only be taxing them enough to cater for all of our citizens. Religious organisations earn a lot of money, so why would it be bad, to use that money for everybody? You've repeated this in your previous paragraphs

In conclusion, religious organisations should be taxed for the following reasons: they are extremely wealthy organisations that are using money exclusively for their followers. Instead we could be using that money for the public. We are also giving companies a bad idea, that we are biased. Maybe phrase this like: The government is ignoring justice and encouraging inequality Although religious organisation haven't been taxed ever, that should not ploy our path to becoming a more equal society.

Thanks for reading,

Hugo

P.S. Gonna post the rest of my essays/ stories tomorrow. Also I want to find a different way to ask rhetorical questions, could somebody give me some advice? How to reword them/ alternatives. As always please give me some tips/ advice to improving my writing: eg different arguments, different wording etc.

Prompt: "I was at the point of no return."
(same topics and Hugo)

After my parents abruptly had an abrupt divorce when I was fourteen years old, it left me in an ocean of despair. I had no choice but to be put in boarding school. Understanding such anunprecedented act that had not been witnessed in our house before was difficult. I had a great and jovial childhood seems like a strange description of someone's childhood. Sometimes its good to just keep it simpleof which one could imagined of; both domestic and international trips, theme parks and movie nights. These memorable moments when my parents unconditionally loved me unconditionallydeeply evoked a deep sense of nostalgia in me. The only replymaybe the word acknowledgement here I gave to it was a stream of tears.

When I finished my final year in high school, neither of my parents came to my graduation. I had finally realised the inimical but honest truth, neither of them cared about me anymore. I started to feel desolated and unloved.. It felt like the neurotic epidemicinteresting description but I don't think it makes much sense had taken overmy life over. But what shook me the most washow hostile and childlike my parents ended their situations.arguments/confrontations/affairs

I am by myself now, in university. A few days later, I had received a text message from my mother. I felt disinterested but continued to read.
"Dear James, I am so sorry for what both your father and I have done to you. We are back together and we...." Just as I read that sentence, I closed the phone.  "I was at the point of no return." nice ending

Overall a decent creative piece. You probably could have gone a bit deeper into the relationship between the protagonist and their parents as this piece was on the short side.

Waddup,

Essay #2

Stimulus: Should the drinking age be lowered from 18  to a younger age?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcohol has been a big part of our culture for hundreds of years. For instance, in the medieval times it was used because it was one of the only safe forms of liquid to drink. Through the ages the drinking age has gradually risen. So with the current law on alcohol, should we lower the drinking age?

Recently a lot of evidence has been contributing to this particular debate. A lot of research shows that alcohol is harmful to the development of the brain, and should only start to be consumed when a person turns 21. With the current data shown through this research; we shouldn't lower the drinking age, we should make it higher. It is clear through scientific research, that alcohol is detrimental to a child's development. Emphasise the permanent and irreversible damage that alcohol can have on individuals. Pretend like you're trying to convince an ordinary person why the legal age should be raised. You should appeal to their emotions!

With the lower drinking age, the government may also signify that they are becoming more lenient. This sort of mindset that the children develop will lead to them trying other harmful substances. We should not be giving children the idea that is is okay ti consume harmful substances. Before this time it was common to see children drink alcohol, due to the fact that there wasn't a suitable form of clean liquid. We live in an age where we have access to clean water. Thus, rendering the point of alcohol consumption for minors.Not really a strong argument here. Maybe you could have emphasised more that a drinking culture encourages drug fuelled/irresponsible behaviour from young adults

Besides, it is basic human instinct... Anything a human cannot get only fuels the craving for it. Instead of teaching kids of how they should not consume alcohol, we should find an alternative. By not fueling the so called "need" for alcohol that so many children crave, we are indirectly dismiss their need for alcohol. I don't really follow what's going on here, are you saying that the desire to consume alcohol is innate? If so I'm not too sure how this advances your argument. Maybe I'm not looking at this properly so please clarify

In conclusion, Australia should not lower the drinking age, we should raise it. Due to the following reasons: numerous studies show the harmful effects of alcohol consumption; it also  encourages kids that they are allowed to take other harmful substances, even though parents want the complete opposite.


Thanks for reading,

Hugo

You should try to aim for some stronger arguments with more persuasive techniques. You could have mentioned alcohol related deaths, the lack of responsibility/maturity for teenagers which puts them at major risk for binge drinking etc.

Waddup,

Story #2
Prompt: "It totally destroyed me."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The war brought the worst in us. Everybody was fighting to be the best. All I could remember was the day before the war ended.

I was an army officer, sent to France. I was sent there to help defend a small region in the countryside. I could just remember the horrid conditions. We had to build trenches to avoid enemy fire. Long rotten wooden planks lined the walls. The floor was just dirt, but due to the constant raining we would be constantly walking on mud. The floor was riddled with cockroaches . Every room you would enter would be infested with rats. Its good that you've described the atmosphere of the warzone in good detail. Now take it a step further. Instead of saying the floor was riddled with cockroaches maybe you cold say that the footsteps crunched against the backs of the insects which riddled the trench

Our morale was detrimentally low and we all wanted to go back home. I can remember the vents leading to the end of the war. The Germans still had the upper hand where we were. We just heard that they were planning a surprise attack.

My whole battalion were suiting up for battle were suiting up for battle, but it was too late. The Germans had already started to attack our base. I recall all the brave men next to me being shot off like flies. One by one the Germans were slaughtering each of my men. It totally destroyed me, all these men had families. I couldn't get the point of all this murder.

The remainder of us were taken prisoner. I was angry, but most of all, I was confused. We were fighting for nothing. I would soon join so many of my men in the heavens.

The Germans treated us horrifically. I could only imagine what they would do if the was went on for longer. After hours of being taken prisoner, a rumour started to spread. All of my remaining men were too frightened to ask our custodians. We waited patiently in the dark and small room the Germans called a jail cell. The conditions were inhumane.Explain to me why they were inhumane,
 dont just tell me They were worse than our very own trenches. The Germans managed to store us all into the cell good chance for a metaphor, one of my men had rats nibbling at his rotten flesh.

After a while, a big commotion was coming towards our cell. A bright light was escaping from the room next door. It was the captain of the German army, he told us that the war had ended. We were freed.

Thanks for reading,

Hugo

Overall a decent creative piece, but could have been made even better with some more vivid descriptions

[hegihugo]

Zhen asked me to help alleviate his workload so I'll provide feedback for a few of theseOverall a decent creative piece. You probably could have gone a bit deeper into the relationship between the protagonist and their parents as this piece was on the short side.
You should try to aim for some stronger arguments with more persuasive techniques. You could have mentioned alcohol related deaths, the lack of responsibility/maturity for teenagers which puts them at major risk for binge drinking etc.
Overall a decent creative piece, but could have been made even better with some more vivid descriptions

Wow, thanks for all of that... I got an essay and a story coming up!

[zhen]

Waddup,

Prompt: 'family is everything'
Story #2

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As a kid I wasn't that close to my family. Our family could barely afford anything. We lived in the worst part of town. A place so bad I would avoid using the word bad. It’s not the best word to use it looked like it was from a movie.

My parents were barely home. Mum was away at night, but was at home during the day, and my Dad was an addict that constantly came in and out of rehab. My Mother was a kind hearted woman, but due to the fact that I didn't really see her that often I didn't really develop a strong relationship with her. My Dad on the other hand was a mean spirited gimp. He was constantly bullying my mother, and when he wasn't bullying her he was stealing from her purse. Luckily, my Dad wasn't at home very often. Your descriptions could be much better. Describe how much of a monster your father was. Instead of saying he was a mean spirited gimp that was constantly bullying people, describe what he did. Did he lash out at her and berate her until she was on the ground in pain?

Once, I started to grow up I followed my father's foot steps. Constantly trying to fnd a way to get a quick fix. Drugs were something that made me happy, they were a form of ecapism for me. This addiction started to overcome me. Very soon after consuming this drug I was unable to feel the same effect.Clunky expression So I took more; and more; and more; until I overdosed.

My Mother could barely afford to look after me. Let alone fund my hospital bill. I was in trouble. I couldn't afford the care I was being given. It was very likley that I would be put off life support.

I can distinctly remember being in a all white hospital room, the constant screeching from other patients slowly made me go crazy. Suddenly, it all stopped, everything. I was no longer in a hospital room. I was some where else. Some where dark. The whole place was pitch black. I then started to stroll around. I could see my mother and father. My mother was working and putting all her earnings into a jar. On it, it read: "hospital fund". My dad was also working to put this money into the jar. He was all cleaned up, he was cleanly shaven and wore reasonable looking I know you’re probably rushed for time but I’d ideally find a better alternative for this clothes.

They had both go their act together. This is a bit too colloquial in my opinion I had woken up. I was back in the hospital room. Weirdly, the screeching from the other patients made me feel comfortable. My family did everything for me, they worked out their differences for me, family is everything to me

I quite like the final part of this story
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Thanks for reading,

Hugo

Overall a decent creative, but I think you could make it a bit better by providing better descriptions and fixing up your expression a bit.

Waddup,
Essay #1 (from yesterday)

Stimulus: School uniforms should be banned from all schools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Australia nearly every school makes their students wear a school uniform. School uniforms are put into place so that they can make everybody equal, which will not lead to students competing for who has the best outfit Expression here is a bit clunky . If school uniforms are working for the schools and students why should we ban them?

School uniforms are put into place so that students don't have to be worried about spending a lot of money on clothes. Granted, some school uniforms are expensive, but a child has to wear them everyday. Unlike normal clothes which would have to be changed every day. School uniforms allows kids who normally cannot spend a lot of money on normal clothes, to be free from oppression that would be brought onto them by other children. You could mention how it alleviates the financial pressure of always having to buy the newest clothes

If school uniforms were banned it would start a competition between students, about who has the best clothes. Children do not go to school to compete with others about who has the best clothing. Students would become distracted form the real task at hand, which is their education. I think you could explore the idea that a competition between students based on clothing is unhealthy. You also need to talk more about the role of a school to educate and how this hinders their education. 

When this debate comes to play many students argue that school uniforms breach their individuality. To a certain extent, this is true. School uniforms are put into place so that everybody looks the same. School is a place of education; not how well a student can dress. By not having school uniforms, students would only have another layer of distraction added onto their day. This paragraph essentially repeats the previous one. They both mention how school uniforms are a distraction. Having two paragraphs basically repeat the same idea should be avoided.

In conclusion, school uniforms should not be banned for the following reasons: they make everybody equal. Letting kids of all socio-economic backgrounds to co-exist. With school uniforms put into place, there is no competition. Kids won't have to compete against each other for who has the most expensive outfit, or who has the best outfit. Despite many children arguing that school uniform goes against their individuality; there is a time and a place for that, and school is neither of those things.
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Thanks for reading,

Hugo

Overall a decent essay with a few things to work on.

It’s honestly amazing that you’ve wrote so many essays. Keep working hard, but make sure you enjoy your holidays too. 

[bubblegumbliss_18]

Persuasive Essay - #1

Prompt: Write to convince your school board whether soda machines should or should not be eliminated.

Nowadays, children have become accustomed to drinking soda and other sugary beverages on a daily basis which has caused atrocious problems such as high intake of sugar and weight gain. As a society we must change our habits and reduce the amount of drinks that young teens are addicted to.

The amount of sugar in these energy drinks makes children behave in an hyperactive way which results in lack of focus, concentration and control. This has a considerable amount of impact on children's working habits and ability to learn, disrupting learning capabilities and making education extra hard.

Students should be educated on advantages and disadvantages on drinking soda by thinking about how and why it affects them. Teachers should make it a point to explain what gets put into these carbohydrated drinks and teach them the price they have to pay when they drink too much. Increase in weight gain is another aspect that causes problems for teenagers making them feel ashamed and embarrassed which also disrupts their learning.

However, students have a range of beverages to choose from, the soda companies get a larger profit and the school gets more income to pay for other expenses. Children should be able to have what they want knowing what the outcome will be whether or not they choose to drink these sugary beverages.
 
Soda machines should be eliminated at schools as they disturb learning and education because of how energetic children get when drinking it. We must all educate each other to help prevent our population from becoming too overweight as it already is.

[zhen]

Persuasive Essay - #1

Prompt: Write to convince your school board whether soda machines should or should not be eliminated.

Nowadays, children have become accustomed to drinking soda and other sugary beverages on a daily basis which has caused atrocious problems such as high intake of sugar and weight gain. As a society we must change our habits and reduce the amount of drinks that young teens are addicted to. Really solid introduction overall, but maybe link it more closely with the idea of whether soda machines should be eliminated in school.

The amount of sugar in these energy drinks makes children behave in an hyperactive way which results in lack of focus, concentration and control. This has a considerable amount of impact on children's working habits and ability to learn, disrupting learning capabilities and making education extra hard. Maybe find an alternative to the words extra hard, cause it’s not the best thing to say. Also, overall the paragraph is good, but I think that it’s a misconception to think that sugary drinks make children hyperactive. I watched a youtube video that said that this isn’t true. Maybe research that and see what you find.

Students should be educated on advantages and disadvantages on drinking soda by thinking about how and why it affects them. Teachers should make it a point to explain what gets put into these carbohydrated drinks and teach them the price they have to pay when they drink too much. I think for this part, you’ve started to stray away from the persuasive. You’re not really arguing about whether we should eliminate soda machines. Instead you’re just listing stuff we should do. I feel like you need to spell out the disadvantages in your paragraphs instead of possible solutions to the problem. Increase in weight gain is another aspect that causes problems for teenagers making them feel ashamed and embarrassed which also disrupts their learning.

However, students have a range of beverages to choose from, the soda companies get a larger profit and the school gets more income to pay for other expenses. Children should be able to have what they want knowing what the outcome will be whether or not they choose to drink these sugary beverages. Ok, I might be just missing something, but I don’t get the purpose of this paragraph. I’m not sure what the argument is and how it’s supporting the idea that we need to ban soda machines.
 
Soda machines should be eliminated at schools as they disturb learning and education because of how energetic children get when drinking it. We must all educate each other to help prevent our population from becoming too overweight as it already is. Solid conclusion

Overall it’s a pretty good attempt. Keep up the good work. 

[bubblegumbliss_18]

Thanks for the feedback although the third paragraph was supposed to be a counterargument from the opposing side.

[zhen]

Thanks for the feedback although the third paragraph was supposed to be a counterargument from the opposing side.

In persuasives, I feel like you should avoid bringing up opposing arguments unless you’re going to refute them. So, I’d try to avoid that, cause I don’t think you properly disproved the opposing argument you bring up.

[TheSapaInca]

topic:
The haunted house..

As I jogged past an enthralling but spooky haunted house, I thought in my mind, "Hmmm, how strange. A random haunted house in the middle of a public park." I stopped to catch a breath, also thinking about the haunted house. "Maybe I'll go with Will next time.."

Exactly a week later, William and I walked steadily to where the eerie and solitary house stood. We were as eager as a beaver, ready to take upon the haunted house. I realised that the steel gate was unlocked and went to open it. I courageously walked in first, enabling me to clearly see all the crimson blood stains on most of the shattered glass.

When I reached the front wooden door of the haunted house, William asked me if I would do the honours of opening it. I firmly placed my hand on the wooden doorknob where I could feel splinters. I turn my hand and pushed slowly. The door opened and we both walked in slowly. The creaking door and wooden floorboards frightened the life out of me. The putrid smell of dead animals stunk my noses. Suddenly, the door behind me slammed closed. Instantly turning back, I realised that William wasn't there. As I swiftly opened the door, I found no one outside either.

Out of nowhere, I heard a sinister chuckle behind me. I turned ghastly and rapidly,  seeing William. How aghast albeit relieved I was was invokable.