yr 9 creative essay

[cloudyy]

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[Servillian]

This is my yr 9 creative essay (topic is 'the sea') and in advance, thank you so much if you do mark it!!

I shuffled my feet into rough sand, tingling ever parts of me feet. Was I ready now? After three years? To dive back in to the water?

Three years ago, I had lost my brother to the sea. Loss of him punched our family's unity so hard, that I cannot explain enough how deploring and depressing it was. Our family fell apart; everyone got focused on their own work. We never went back to the sea for a holiday ever. We all feared water, especially me. Everytime my body was dipped in frigid water, my anxiety and trauma kicked in. I could never even go near the pool nor the sea, and so did my family.

"How did I even get here?" I whispered to myself. The sea had called me. I knew it. The euphony sound of the seashore was dearly missed by my ears. Infact, I did come to the beach every week by myself, since it was a fifteen minute drive by a bus. Even though I came close to the beach, I didn't dare to touch the water. What happened to me? I was such a loquacious girl everytime I came to the beach.

I softly sobbed and hot streams of tear rolled down m cheeks. I felt so miserable and helpless. I missed the vivacious me at the beach and my beloved brother. I loathed living like this everyday. I was so sick and tired.

"Alina!" someone placidly whispered in my ear.

I snapped my head up, jumping. Who could it possibly be? When I glanced around, I couldn't believe it.

It was my brother.

"T..Theo..?" I trembled and my whole body was shievring in astonishment.

"It's ok. Hold on to my hand," Theo smiled. Without giving any thought, I placidly grabbed his hand and awkwardly, I stggered (I was supposed to add 'a' but i left out it by accident and it's stggered now ughhh) towards the beach.  My legs weren't moving the ways I wanted to.

"Alina."

That one word from my brother somehow comforted me. Could I do this? Yes, I could.

Now, I strutted towards the washing waved. I didn't know how I was doing it, but I was.

Finally, I walked into the water. The water tickled every inch of my skin, fulfilling me with glee. I knew I had missed this. I look up again to see my brother, but he is now gone. I understood everything clearly.

With much satisfaction, now I swam exuberantly in the water. I wasn't scared of the sea now. I was back to my old self, the gregarious Alina.

Thanks for reading ))

Nice essay, I won’t “mark it,” but here are some changes that you should make.
1) Less dialogue... like.. 2 sentences of dialogue would be a lot.
2) Follow the structure.
Introduction > Rising Action > Climax > Falling action( I’d skip this if you have a time limit) > Resolution.
3) Not much really happened in your story, there’s no explanation to why Theo is alive and that whole moment doesn’t make much sense. Granted, I did skim through the essay so maybe I missed something.

[turtlesforeveryone]

This is my yr 9 creative essay (topic is 'the sea') and in advance, thank you so much if you do mark it!!

I shuffled my feet into rough sand, tingling ever parts of me feet. Was I ready now? After three years? To dive back in to the water?

Three years ago, I had lost my brother to the sea. Loss of him punched our family's unity so hard, that I cannot explain enough how deploring and depressing it was. Our family fell apart; everyone got focused on their own work. We never went back to the sea for a holiday ever. We all feared water, especially me. Everytime my body was dipped in frigid water, my anxiety and trauma kicked in. I could never even go near the pool nor the sea, and so did my family.

"How did I even get here?" I whispered to myself. The sea had called me. I knew it. The euphony sound of the seashore was dearly missed by my ears. Infact, I did come to the beach every week by myself, since it was a fifteen minute drive by a bus. Even though I came close to the beach, I didn't dare to touch the water. What happened to me? I was such a loquacious girl everytime I came to the beach.

I softly sobbed and hot streams of tear rolled down m cheeks. I felt so miserable and helpless. I missed the vivacious me at the beach and my beloved brother. I loathed living like this everyday. I was so sick and tired.

"Alina!" someone placidly whispered in my ear.

I snapped my head up, jumping. Who could it possibly be? When I glanced around, I couldn't believe it.

It was my brother.

"T..Theo..?" I trembled and my whole body was shievring in astonishment.

"It's ok. Hold on to my hand," Theo smiled. Without giving any thought, I placidly grabbed his hand and awkwardly, I stggered (I was supposed to add 'a' but i left out it by accident and it's stggered now ughhh) towards the beach.  My legs weren't moving the ways I wanted to.

"Alina."

That one word from my brother somehow comforted me. Could I do this? Yes, I could.

Now, I strutted towards the washing waved. I didn't know how I was doing it, but I was.

Finally, I walked into the water. The water tickled every inch of my skin, fulfilling me with glee. I knew I had missed this. I look up again to see my brother, but he is now gone. I understood everything clearly.

With much satisfaction, now I swam exuberantly in the water. I wasn't scared of the sea now. I was back to my old self, the gregarious Alina.

Thanks for reading ))

Hello! I don't have experience in marking so I won't mark your piece, but here's some advice.

1) important: show, don't tell. Instead of telling the reader what is going on, show it.
Example 1: Everytime my body was dipped in frigid water, my anxiety and trauma kicked in.
^ this doesn't tell the reader what the anxiety the MC is feeling is like. Do something like, 'Since then, I shut down at the meer touch of water', or 'chills would be sent through my body '
Example 2: I felt so miserable and helpless. I missed the vivacious me at the beach and my beloved brother.
^ 'My heart ached, thinking of lost fragment of my brother / the loss of my brother left an empty hole in my heart / the warm beach, which left the beloved memories of my brother and I, seemed so far away. (It depends on the feeling you want to convey)
Don't tell the reader 'MC felt sad', describe it so the sadness is implied, 'she wished time would just stop, freezing her agony and pain, washing away her tears.'

2) you need to integrate your large words better. Currently they stick out like a sore thumb and look like you searched for the largest synonym possible. Part of the reason is that your other word choices aren't as elusive, so when a larger word does appear, it looks out of place. Either replace larger words with smaller words you know better, or use them in better situations.

3) other problems were covered by Servillian. The plot could use some work: why did Theo come back, what comes next? An interesting fix is to hint at something bigger through the story that brought Theo back, or just provide more detail on all this.
Basically what I got from you story was:
MC is sad because her brother died 3 years ago and she is traumatised, brother (who doesn't really have a personality) come back, MC is miraculously cured of trauma.