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June 22, 2024, 02:53:08 am

Author Topic: can I pls get feedback on my creative piece for the golden age!  (Read 4183 times)  Share 

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can I pls get feedback on my creative piece for the golden age!
« on: February 03, 2021, 11:17:33 pm »
hey, I am tasked to write a creative piece for the golden age, I have taken on the perspective of the minor character of Susan bennet.
I am not fully finished as of now but I was wondering if I could maybe get some feedback on it.

Susan Bennet sat alone on the verandah of the golden age with her head in her hands, staring out into the late afternoon sun, as it set over the housing estate across the road. She got a warm view, something she would have missed out on if polio never got her. Susan loved helping other children at the golden age but often went unnoticed and was resented for her strained behaviour. Other children always asked Susan why her parents did not visit her, but how could she answer that? How could she tell them it was her fault and that she brought disgrace to the family name? She often mourned and thought of how her life would be if polio had not taken a pernicious turn, wasting away her mind and crippling her legs.
Whenever Susan’s parents did visit her, she was continuously reminded about how much of a burden she was caused to them. Susan displayed herself as joyous as if nothing were troubling her, the fear of dying young did not scare her, however under the fake smile, she was completely different, all she longed for was attention from her parents and the love she missed out on as a young girl. But despite this, Susan was optimistic and thought one day everything would be alright.

As night fell at the golden age, the corridors became dark, gloomy and hollow, reflecting the sickness of the children. Susan was sound asleep, She found herself wearing her old perished swimsuit which was too loose for her to fit into after what polio had done to her. She found herself stranded in the middle of nowhere, the place seemed to be like a void of complete darkness, a void she could not escape. Everywhere she looked was emptiness and black. Light did not seem to exist.  Then suddenly a figure of a man appeared in the distance to be looking at Susan, the man’s face was completely blacked out, he had yellow wavy hair, wearing a maroon striped blazer with white shoes and white pants. “papa?” she called out to the figure but the figure did not reply. she started walking towards the strange man that appeared to be her father but as she walked she collapsed and noticed the figure had not gotten closer at all. Each time she walked it was only a brief moment before collapsing and calling out to the strange figure before getting up again and starting over, she was stuck in an endless loop, she so felt helpless and cried out to the man, again and again. Then out of nowhere appeared another figure, this time of a woman, standing beside and holding the strange man's hand. The woman seemed to look much like Susan’s mother and was wearing a cream suede bag and shoes, and torque emerald feathers. “mama?” she called out. Suddenly the figures turned around and started to walk away from her. She, desperate longing to be loved, cried out one more time putting her arm out in an attempt to make them stop, but they continued walking. “A nightmare” Susan woke up and told herself, but deep down inside of her she felt as if the nightmare was trying to tell her something, some sort of message, telling her about the connection she has lost with her family.

The next morning the sun shined its bright light upon the golden age, lighting up the corridors and blinding the kids with its majestic warmth and purity. Susan loved the warmth of the early sun hitting her face, the white light felt magical and gentle almost as if she was being healed, reminding her of a time when life was much better, a time when her legs worked, a time when she felt loved. As the day passed by Susan's parents, Rodney and Tikka bennet, visited Susan. The excitement of them visiting quickly filled up Susan’s face.
“We are going to be going out of town for a few weeks and thought we’d cross you off our list”
“If only polio hadn’t taken you away, you could have come with us darling.” said Rodney and tikka. The excitement on Susans face quickly dissipated, fading into emptiness, the smile she had was no longer on her face. She realised her parents had only come to visit her so they could announce their presence to the other golden age patients and remind her of her miserable life.
“Why didn’t you come?”
the room suddenly went quiet, the Bennets knew instantly what she meant.
“Snoggins, it was impossible! You should have seen the traffic”
Susan knew they were lying.
“Sit up, darling. I’m going to comb your hair.” tikka said, drawing the tension away from the conversation.
Susan was thirsty and asked for a glass of water, Rodney went into the kitchen to get her one, but came back shaking his head. “That Nelly! What a character! I asked for a glass of water, she pointed towards the sink before turning her head away”.
After that the Bennets made their way out, making sure to leave a lasting impression on the other kids, blowing kisses and waving goodbye as if they were famous people, leaving their expensive scent behind for the children to smell for hours.

The glowing white moonlight lit the verandah as Susan sat looking into the surroundings of the golden age and the netting factory, she felt free but still lonely because she had no one to share this moment with. She looked around and let the fresh air fill her lungs. Susan realised that polio was the best thing that could have happened to her and that The Golden Age is a far better home then she’ll ever have.