I love how deep your thoughts are in this journal and how well you link them to issues and events that affect everyone's life. Keen to read more!
What do you guys think? Maybe I can start a thread in the Creative Corner and put up my sketches, show how I'm improving?Definitely ;D
Maybe I should start a thread and put some of my drawings up there. I was thinking of doing sketches again. I haven't picked up my sketch pad in weeks, so maybe just taking the time to let out what's in my head and try and depict what's around me can help me pick myself back up and keep myself accountable for work and study. What do you guys think? Maybe I can start a thread in the Creative Corner and put up my sketches, show how I'm improving?Really nice sketch, that wren, way better than my ones at the moment :P Keep it up, they look great, post for sure. If you want to check out mine, they are in my creativity gallery... but still not as good as yours! Great job, mate!
Definitely ;D
It looks awesome.
Really nice sketch, that wren, way better than my ones at the moment :P Keep it up, they look great, post for sure. If you want to check out mine, they are in my creativity gallery... but still not as good as yours! Great job, mate!
snipI need to get something out of my system first: holy fucking shit that glass pen is rad!
I need to get something out of my system first: holy fucking shit that glass pen is rad!
I'll just start by saying that you're secretly_a_poet. Nobody else is, and nobody else ever will be. Just by being you, you are a special person. You don't need to excel in every area of life to be special, or to have solved a great mystery -- you're still just a teen. But it doesn't mean you can't be special just by being the way you are. I know it's a difficult pill to swallow -- I struggle with this myself, so please know you're not alone in that.
I think I need to say a few more things aswell. It's not 'all in your head'; anxiety is a real and debilitating illness, so please don't blame yourself. You wouldn't blame yourself for a broken leg, so why blame yourself for anxiety? You are not your struggles. There is nothing wrong with you -- this is very common, especially amongst youth. You'd be surprised at the amount of people you talk to regularly on AN feel the same way! I also feel it's important to say that you don't need to explain yourself to anybody. You shouldn't have to justify yourself if you don't want to. It's your business, and the business of those you choose to share with.
Look, I know it's not easy to talk about this kind of stuff, so massive respect to you! I've only recently started to understand the feelings you talk about here, but I do now, so I just want to encourage you to keep going. Be yourself, and be proud of yourself, knowing that you are 100% unique. You are special, and we care about you here on AN, even though we have probably never met you. If you have any problems that you can't get out to people close to you (and I 100% understand that), we're happy to give support. If you ever start to panic, just give yourself some time and space to calm down, and just breathe, as Calebark said. And never be ashamed of yourself, it is a very bad path to go down. I've been doing it since we lost our volley-ball GF yesterday, and it's not great.
Just remember, we are behind you, all the way! :)
start breathing deeply. To yourself, name five things you can see. Deep breath. Name four things you can feel. Deep breath. Name three things you can hear. Deep breath. Name two things you can smell. Deep breathe. Name one thing you can taste. Deep breath. It's called grounding
Song of the day: Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto no.3 Movement 1.I agree, it's beautiful. Do you know the 2nd Piano Concerto? That takes piano music to the next level, strongly recommend it.Spoiler
I agree, it's beautiful. Do you know the 2nd Piano Concerto? That takes piano music to the next level, strongly recommend it.
Definitely agree about the way the world is made, and how we need to act. I greatly respect the fact that you can put that kind of stuff down on paper, I know I can't. I'm loving the additions to the forums you are making as well, keep it up! :)
I watched a documentary a couple nights ago on NASA and the journey to Mars. The people who spoke in favour of the Mars exploration initiative made comments on finding a “new world” for us to populate. But this could never be the case – it should never be the case. Instead of pushing forward to the very limits of space, wondrous as it is, we should be working to conserve and protect what we already have. Earth is a piece of careful glass-work found in the gutter – so random, so fragile, and a one-in-a-trillion gem. There’s no place like home, and we should always do our absolute best to keep it in good repair. So why do we act so mindlessly, wasting resources and ruining our planet?
And after actually writing the post: I need to apologise for the sheer amount of complaining in this entry. I should probably rename the thread “Poet complains”.
Being able to write things out can be incredibly liberating, and as humans we like to share stories. And it's great to read that others have had the same experiences and thought the same things as you.
I wouldn't worry too much about the feeling of complaining. Write what you need/want to and people who care about it will be happy to read it.
I generally agree with you, but I don't see it as an either / or.
Earth is a beautiful, amazing place, and the idea that if there's a disaster we can just hop over to the moon or Mars and start over is crazy.
At the same time, space exploration is a tiny proportion of government budgets, it continues our species' urge to discover and explore, it lifts the human spirit, and the research done for and in the space program has often been able to be used by all of us on earth as well.
Yes, we could do a better job protecting this earth, but I don't think gutting the space program would do anything to help this.
*now let's begin the rant*Have you seen Nick's latest snapchat? There's a few people for you to fight there >:( and I'll help you
And guys, listen; Nick's hair is amazing, and I will begin a punch on with anyone who begs to differ. And I will win, for Nick's hair's honor.
What is with AN people and bagging ATAR Note's staff's hair, anyway? They did it with Brady as well, and his hair was legit on point. If you're going to bag anyone's hair, bag mine because it never stays in place, but leave them alone! What did their hair ever do to you? Make you feel inferior? Because I wouldn't be surprised. Harrumph.
*rant over*
Can confirm that Nick's hairstyle doesn't have the approval of the mod team
Have you seen Nick's latest snapchat? There's a few people for you to fight there >:( and I'll help youUmm, no (don't have a phone haha) but he told me, and I have to say I am extremely disappointed with some people. *cough K8 cough*
On a more serious note (not that insults to Nick's hair aren't serious), It's great that you're going to the doctor, I really hope they can help you. Just remember that set backs are normal and you will get through this too. We're all on your side, let me know if there's anything I can do to help
Umm, no (don't have a phone haha) but he told me, and I have to say I am extremely disappointed with some people. *cough K8 cough*
And thank you. I hope so, too. :)
I really appreciate it. I'll be sure to ask you for leg-ups in Biology if I need any haha ;p 💗
---------
Official diagnosis as of last night: mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
I was congratulated about this which I found extremely amusing.
On the plus side, I know the drill with this and I know I can push through eventually.
The downside: I have been diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depression. Again.
Last time it took me a full 6 months to pull myself up to the point where I could trust again.
Looks like Year 12 is gonna be a bit of a repeat. RIP my ATAR.
At least I know how to deal with my feelings now (mostly). It’s just difficult to find the time to draw, craft, hike or read – and even then, when I have the time, I lack the motivation. As I have said, sometimes I’m intent on hating myself. Avoiding things that I love and know will help me through is definitely a part of this, something I need to improve on.
Demonstrate through your impact statement how your medical condition has impacted on your education. To assist in your assessment, include details about how the circumstances have adversely affected your ability to study, access educational facilities and resources, attend school or tuition regularly and perform in assessment tasks.
Hi there =)
You'll get through it, with the support of your friends, family and counsellor! The dark times may be here, but they'll get brighter ^^. You're already doing yourself a favour by seeing the counsellor.
As for your ATAR, you might be eligible for SEAS
Thanks Poet. Those words about Anzac Day were beautiful.Hi again! I feel like I see you on here a lot – definitely not a bad thing! :)
This afternoon I walked the Kokoda Memorial Trail in the Dandenong Ranges, and they've added new signs with details about individual soldiers in WW2. Some of them had the standard "Lest we forget", others had "We don't want to be remembered as heroes, we just want to be remembered".
Also, given you've talked about being out in nature, you would probably like that trail, though it can get very crowded.
Thanks for the recommendation! Do you go walking the Dandenongs often?
Actually, the Kokoda Memorial Trail is one of my favourites. I’ve been there a few times with my family, and it’s absolutely beautiful. We didn’t go on Anzac Day, but we have been when it’s a lot less crowded and there’s an abundance of kookaburras and crimson rosellas. It’s a great walk to think on (as well as get a little exercise haha).
” I found God on the corner of First in Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone
Smoking his last cigarette
I said ‘where you been?’
He said, ask anything
Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
From the corner of First and Amistad”
“Early morning
City breaks
I've been calling
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?”
I have never, even to this day, been able to leave the religious community. My family are strong Christians. I go to a Christian school. My friends are religious, and strongly so. My teachers, my mentors, the people I look up to. I feel so isolated, the black sheep of the family. They’re ashamed of me, and as a result I feel ashamed of myself. They make me pretend to pray every morning in front of my siblings so that I don’t, and I quote, “corrupt them”. Does this mean I myself am corrupt?
I clearly remember that one day, the day I realized that, in other countries, children were being shot through the head for no reason, fighting another man’s war for him. In my country, families were being murdered. Forests cut down in man’s quest for self-extinction. People’s babies being driven into lakes and left to drown, thrown off bridges in a spouse’s petty revenge plot. Mothers and fathers who hate their children. Bloody fights and murder and sickness and rape. Manipulation and corruption, everywhere. That day broke me. Realising that what I had believed ‘normal’ was wrong. Realising that the God I believed was doing good in creating mankind was wrong, and later, the realization that He was never there at all, in my life anyway.
I’m so confused about so many things, and this is just one of them. Do I accuse a God, or deny His existence? And how can I deny His existence when I have no proof of anything?
-snip-@turinturambar, thank you. :)
There you go
We're running far away
I can't catch my breath
I can't make you stay
And it all goes slow
I'm holding your face in my hands
and I know
You couldn't see what I saw
In my head
Keep moving forward.
So, see you at the lectures.You better come to the end of year lectures as well so I can actually meet you (or J41 could organise another meet up before then ;))
But here's the dilemma I've found myself in: I want to make a living out of art. But if I'm uncomfortable actually taking money for it, how am I meant to do that? I'll go to the Monash Open Day and check it out, think this through and see if I can manage to work mentally towards my ultimate goal.
I don't suppose the reason why you're uncomfortable accepting money is because it's always from family, friends, and your psych? Of course you'd want these people to accept your art without money -- it's just an added bonus to your relationship. Perhaps it'd be easier to accept money from somebody you have absolutely no personal relationship with, like the average customerPerhaps, I sure hope so - however, I would still be much more inclined to give things away if I like the customer, which probably isn't the best thing to do when you're trying to make money. Oh well. :-/
Imagine, if you will, the rainbow.This post expresses so well lots of things that I've often wondered about the world. That idea that we may not see the same colours, we just have set in our mind a definition of "red", "yellow", etc, and since we all have that definition for a constant colour, we all agree on colours, I've wondered that so often. Since we all have different ideas of peaceful, etc. maybe we see different colours differently, the emotions we see in them make them appear differently to us. I've got no idea, but it makes me wonder why I try to fit in when really I am nothing like anyone else in the world, and if I just stand out I can be myself. Being yourself can be hard at times and easy at times, but I wonder if when we try to fit in by being someone different to who we are, we are actually just showing a facet of who we really are.
Think of something red.
Now think of something blue. Maybe green, purple, or yellow.
How do they make you feel? How do they make us all feel? Red is strength, strong emotion and aggression. Green is gentle and honest, calming. Blue is soothing and sad. But… how do you describe a colour? Without an example, it’s virtually impossible.
Have you ever thought about how others view the world? We all have an emotional lense, built of our biases and opinions, our cultures and the stories we’ve been told; but what if there was another difference in the mind, one we can’t measure?
Have you ever wondered if the colours we see are the same, or if I see your red for my blue? Society and our upbringing have given us words and connotations for the colours we see. How will we ever know if we see the same thing? If your red is my blue, there’s no way for anyone to know. We think we know, but we never have. And probably never will.
Now, think of this: do we see the world purely out of what we are given? Is any thought truly original? Do we all have a unique outlook, molded to fit into what “makes sense”? What’s the point of colour? What’s the point of fitting in, purely because we need to make sense in another person’s world?
What’s the point in aiming so high, and falling so low?
What’s the point in putting all of my value, all of my worth as a human being, in something that I’m not?
What’s the point in useless attempts to somehow fit into the mold my older sister created? That I embellished?
I’m my own person – I see the world another way. I see the colours, but they have different meaning to me than they do to her. I am not my sister. But I keep trying to be, because with that comes a sense of acceptance. I know it, and I still stumble on as if blind. Not blind to the colours, but blind to the truth of my situation. I’m confused and lost, and good academic standards will do nothing to help me, no matter how many times I convince myself otherwise.
It frustrates me. My fragility and my panic. I’m so weak, but I want to be strong.
Colours are often used to embody diversity, so the idea of having invisible diversity in our perception of that is beautiful. Wouldn't it be remarkable, if we all our perceptions have a twinge of difference, if we all contain worlds imperceptible to our peers?
Blue = AtarNotes? ??? ;)
Looking at you, the world stops tilting
Eyes as blue as the sea I drown in
Every night, my dreams bring me back
To the recurring blue
Of the window to your soul.
^ Someone very dear to me has solid blue eyes, and they are where I retreat to when my inner world is in ruins.
Blue = AtarNotes? ??? ;)Alas, this is not the blue I meant. However, AN is very dear to me, as are y’all. One day I’ll come up with a metaphorical poem called “The Ballad of AN” for you guys. But for now, I’m referring to literal eyes haha 😊Spoiler
Alas, this is not the blue I meant. However, AN is very dear to me, as are y’all. One day I’ll come up with a metaphorical poem called “The Ballad of AN” for you guys. But for now, I’m referring to literal eyes haha 😊This is beautiful poet
Short update: halfway through the week. Time flies when you’re stressed about due dates. Did my Bio writeup and my speech, both of which I’m satisfied with, and I know I did my absolute best. Only 5 more assessments this week, and that’s 5 less until the end. I’m still finding it ridiculously difficult to get up in the morning, but I’ve begun to feel… happier, I guess. Freer in myself. I actually made a joke in Bio today. Genuinely smiling. Negative thoughts are still there, but it’s not a constant screaming in my head like it was. It’s not consuming my life right now. I don’t feel a need to sabotage myself like I have so many times, and so even though this term has really tried to pull me down, I’m thriving on the competition. I’m excited for what’s to come. Hoping against hope that this is a long upswing, because it’s perfect for the level of performance needed right now. Still thinking, still working, still breathing. And for the first time in years, hearing my own laughter and not hating it.
So, yeah. Here’s to happiness, for both me and you. And who knows, maybe, against all odds, we will make it.
P.S. Never hesitate to tell someone you appreciate and love them. We don’t know when or if we’ll ever see or hear them again – that’s just the way life is. We take so much for granted, but out of everything, this should not be one of them. So, I love you guys, okay? You’re all appreciated. Take care, peeps.
This is beautiful poetThanks, Adam
Bless you <3
Also, if anyone knows another ANer they can dob in for a birthday, I’m taking b’day commissions – just give me at least a week’s notice, their favourite animal, hobby or game and I’ll make something! :)
(I need ideas for projects, might as well make them special!)
I know a guy who has his bday this Wednesday. ;)Good thing I know him, too ;)
Hey, people. <3 Hope y’all don’t mind me rambling so often – it just helps a lot to get stuff off my chest. I feel like I might piss some people off because I’m constantly complaining, so I’m sorry about that. Just ignore me. :)
But there I go, getting self-absorbed again. I really do care about you guys, okay? Like, all of you. You're awesome. Please don't ever doubt yourselves, because you're worth the belief that you can get through tough times. Especially when it feels like there's no-one else cheering for you. Because there will always be someone.
@Alaska -
Thank you, girl. Your post is just proof of what I’ve said about AN. How could I not love a community so encouraging, wholesome and beautiful? Especially beautiful, hey. ;)
It’s funny – I have so much to speak on, but nothing’s really coming out in words. So, you know what they say, when all else fails, talk about the weather.
Melbourne is truly acting like Melbourne today – what a temperamental teenager.
Temperamental like my uneasy stomach. Temperamental like the corellas on our lawn. Temperamental like a student feeling the weight of final days looming behind them, its shadow stretching across the vast plane of unprepared essays and leaking highlighters. Days so inexplicably long, but also way too short. Paradoxical emotions run rampant, and they’ll only get worse. I’m so ridiculously stressed about what the ‘after’ is going to look like – I can only imagine how others feel who don’t know what they want to do.
The unsurety of it all is killing me – why should we pay to apply before we know our standings? Why should we willingly put ourselves in debt? Will my degree be of any use later in life? Will I change my mind as to who I want to be? How will I survive out in this big, cold world without the support of my (helicopter) parents? Can I travel? I want to live as an independent – but realistically, how long will that take? Am I ready for such a significant responsibility? To be completely, brutally honest with myself; life is scaring me to death.
I would give almost anything right now to make the world stop turning, just to give myself – and others – more time to think, and decide, truly, on what’s best for us all. If we had more time, would it be a blessing, or a curse? Both? Neither? But even as I think of this, the time I have dwindles. Every second spent pondering feels like a waste.
So I’ll go back to looking out at the rain outside and tattooing my books in bright colours.
Love you all.
How many days until exams? I can’t remember anymore. So tired. Everything’s a blur. My Legal book is almost full, I’ll have to get a new one. But I’ll be at the lectures. I’ll get there. I’ll finish exams and I will live. Things will look up again, I can see that now. Even when things look dark, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve seen it before, and so help me I will see it again. I hope that you all can see it too. The sunrise is beautiful, sometimes more so than the sunset. Because the sunrise always comes after dark, and you’re not blind to beauty any more.
I just have to keep reminding myself of what’s true. My name is Nina. I’m 18 years old. I have depression, and I have anxiety, but these are mere distractions – I will not let them stop me from finding my way in the world. I have found my place and I will fight for it. I will not be dragged down by others or myself. I will stand my ground for what I believe in. And I believe in the sunrise.
It seems pretty crazy that I’ll be ending this journal in 2 months.
Just wanted to say that I'm sure there's no rule against continuing to post here after VCE.Thanks, Turin. I'll be closing this one, I think - it's a bit like a VCE journal, and a drastic change such as leaving school calls for a new thread. So I may start a new one for my new chapter in life, may not. But it is encouraging to see that people read what I write and relate to it.
So long as you still have things you want to say (whether or not you call it a journal), I think there will continue to be people who want to read them.
I think your teacher was right to tell you to take a little break.
It does sound you've got a lot to make an already stressful time worse, and I'm sorry to hear it.
Hope this week goes better.
I'm glad that you've been able to find moments of joy, make some progress on your eating goals, and that you're going back to your psych. :)Hi, mini - just wanted to say you are one of the sweetest people I know, and your advice (and really great metaphors) are always useful. The encouragement definitely comforts me, so thank you for that. :)
I keep procrastinating seeing a counsellor and it's probably not the best
VCE as often talked about as everyone being in the same boat, but I think it's more accurate to say that everyone is travelling down the same river.
Well hi kids, hope you children are enjoying the fleeting rays of pure vitamin D that’ve been flitting about lately, eating your vegetables and helping old ladies across the street. I sure have (not really, but I got to see a doggo the other day).I still revert to memes rather than words, so excuse the very poor spelling and grammar in this
That means it’s probably time for an update.
Fun fact: if you were born on October 5th, you were born on the most common day for, well, births, in the year. Another fun fact, being born on October 5th typically means you were conceived on New Year’s Eve. I know it’s not October right now, but not long to go! :-[
So basically my brain’s a mess, I’m scared, I don’t wanna but I gotta and everything in me is screaming ‘THINK OF ALL THE RANDOM FACTS YOU KNOW INSTEAD OF THAT LEGAL STUDIES PRACTICE SAC AND OH LOOK A VINE QUICK CLICK ON THAT AND HEY I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW YOU STILL HATE YOURSELF’.
I tend to revert to humour in these times of strife, so pls excuse what seems like inconsiderate banter, I’m actually sad :,)
Anyway that’s all for now, I can't think, sorry for being useless (still), love you guys bye <3 <3
Doing all I can to look after myself, others and my workload at the same time.No one has any right to ask more than that of you, including yourself
Been much better with physical contact lately, though. It’s probably just a need for a stable place, but I’ve been kind of cuddly haha – nice change, but also not nice because it’s just another reaction to stress. Oh well. I hung out with the chickens again today – visited my psych a few days ago. Doing all I can to look after myself, others and my workload at the same time. But I’m still low, and I honestly just want hugs right now haha, bye guys love you all; thanks for being so nice.I understand how stress can make you feel kinda cuddly- that's me on the regular. Although cuddles and hugs can trigger the Oxytocin hormone- which I think is pretty
Love you.
Especially you. Yes, you.
You're a cool bean. :3
‘It’s over, no more chances, you’d better live up to expectations, you’d better work it out, or else you’re just proving your worthlessness. Your sister did well, so there’s no excuse for you. How dare you think you can do this’.Don't go there... you can only do as much as you can... I once read this - "perfection isn't possible, but strive for it and you can achieve excellence!" Don't let people's expectations weigh you down... you're you, NOT your sister!
Let’s see… I’ll make it a picture.
She sits in the corner humming to Songbird by Fleetwood Mac in her flannel shirt and Batman-themed pajama shorts, her hair straggly and unbrushed, her face makeup-free and dismal. A Word document stays stubbornly unloaded and so, struggling over yet another practice exam, she flies back to the beginning of these holidays, and wonders what she should write.
She begins with the holiday classes, remembering the small liberation of a weekend, breathing space before diving into a full English trial exam. The storm never seems to wane, a blizzard of papers and stinging mistakes. She makes the same blunders over and over again, sure it’s right this time, yet somehow inexplicably wrong. Always wrong, over and over, as she finds the definition of insanity. But anxiety acts as a blindfold, and she continues to stumble as the time slips through her fingers. She has a crown, built of fragile hourglasses, trickling towards the unknown. Sitting in her chair, she feels the time as a physical weight on her skull, shifting even in her efforts to tip it the other way. Her stillness only serves to exaggerate the inexorable march of destiny.
Not saying I haven’t used the time I had (I’ve worked damn hard) but now the finality is really hitting me. It’s here. Next week is my last week of school, ever. Three, four weeks after that, and I’m free. But I’m still scared. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s just going ‘round and ‘round in my mind.
Good news, everybody! It was my kitty’s 9th birthday the other day – HBD, Jazzy baby! (I’ve taken her collar off for a little and she’s sprinting up and down the hallway like a savage beast. As soon as I put her collar on again she’s gonna mope around and pretend she didn’t feel the call of the wild in her little predatory heart)Aww that's so cute, happy b'day Jazzy! I'm honoured your cat is named after me (or am I named after your cat? ???)Look at her in a party hat! :D yaaaaay(https://i.imgur.com/YfJUhTN.jpg)
Does anyone know the feeling of, no matter where you go, eyes on the back of your neck? That feeling like you’re being watched. All the time. Like the fuzz in your peripheral vision is hiding something. I dunno, I think they call it paranoia. Haha I’m paranoid right now. It kind of feels like the future is some sort of shadow, creeping ever closer whenever I blink. A Weeping Angel. And if I don’t keep my eyes open, it’ll grab me and pull me under before I’m ready. I know I’ve complained about this before. It’s a cycle. Sleeping’s hard. Studying’s hard. And I swear, English is about to drive me utterly insane. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. AND THE EXAM IS IN A WEEK.
AAAAHHHHHHH
SWEET JESUS ALL I WANT IS AN 80, LORD HAVE MERCY
I KNOW THEY SAY YOUR SELF-WORTH SHOULDN’T BE INVESTED IN A SINGLE NUMBER OR ACHIEVEMENT BUT THIS IS 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO IF I FAIL BY MY OWN STANDARDS.
And I’m going to fail. I just know it. I’ll get a 74.95 and it won’t be good enough because it was a twentieth of a point from what I would call an achievement for myself. Did I mention it was my cat’s birthday? Haha I am slowly dying what is wrong with me.
VCAA, I hate you. Thanks for diminishing my already dismal self-worth. But I can’t blame it on VCAA, because the responsibility to do well lies with me and me alone. But I can’t. Can’t… what? Mmmmmmmmmmmmm I just want to scream and walk away.
Good news, everybody! It was my kitty’s 9th birthday the other day – HBD, Jazzy baby! (I’ve taken her collar off for a little and she’s sprinting up and down the hallway like a savage beast. As soon as I put her collar on again she’s gonna mope around and pretend she didn’t feel the call of the wild in her little predatory heart)Good attitude =).Look at her in a party hat! :D yaaaaay(https://i.imgur.com/YfJUhTN.jpg)
Does anyone know the feeling of, no matter where you go, eyes on the back of your neck? That feeling like you’re being watched. All the time. Like the fuzz in your peripheral vision is hiding something. I dunno, I think they call it paranoia. Haha I’m paranoid right now. It kind of feels like the future is some sort of shadow, creeping ever closer whenever I blink. A Weeping Angel. And if I don’t keep my eyes open, it’ll grab me and pull me under before I’m ready. I know I’ve complained about this before. It’s a cycle. Sleeping’s hard. Studying’s hard. And I swear, English is about to drive me utterly insane. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. AND THE EXAM IS IN A WEEK.
AAAAHHHHHHH
SWEET JESUS ALL I WANT IS AN 80, LORD HAVE MERCY
I KNOW THEY SAY YOUR SELF-WORTH SHOULDN’T BE INVESTED IN A SINGLE NUMBER OR ACHIEVEMENT BUT THIS IS 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’LL DO IF I FAIL BY MY OWN STANDARDS.
And I’m going to fail. I just know it. I’ll get a 74.95 and it won’t be good enough because it was a twentieth of a point from what I would call an achievement for myself. Did I mention it was my cat’s birthday? Haha I am slowly dying what is wrong with me.
VCAA, I hate you. Thanks for diminishing my already dismal self-worth. But I can’t blame it on VCAA, because the responsibility to do well lies with me and me alone. But I can’t. Can’t… what? Mmmmmmmmmmmmm I just want to scream and walk away.
edit: after reading this, I realise how negative it sounded. How negative it is, really. But just because I want to give up does not mean I will. No way. It doesn't matter if I fail, all that matters is that I finish, and prove to myself I can get through.
Wings. I need wings.Unfortunately, I can only offer support and my own wings (from my username).
So. Some very helpful person lended me their wings for the day, and for that I am grateful. You can have them back now, Angel! (But I’ll need them back Friday afternoon pls?)Whenever you need them, Poet, they'll be there. :D
Underwater again. It’s funny how, when I think too much, I forget to close my lips and it slips into my lungs and then I can’t breathe; and I don’t have the energy to fight it.Congratulations on getting this far (not long to go).
Halfway through. That’s 50% of my finals over and done with. But I can’t stop thinking about what I could have done better, and whether I made a stupid mistake. I’m so mad at myself for letting the spiral happen again but the spiral isn’t a something, the spiral is me. But I guess I am a something, a physical substance, even though I can feel like a nothing. Honestly this sucks. I thought – hoped – that with every exam finished I would be another step closer to happiness, and all that. I don’t know if that will ever happen. If the spiral will ever change.
I’m broken, but no matter how hard I think, I’ll never be able to fix me.Now, I don't think you are broken, but in case you are I do know some people handy with tools ;)
Dammit.
Back to my safe place. Ramble-time.<3 Very glad you're comfortable here
Hey, Safe Place Inhabitants. Howre all yall going?
...I’m gonna keep trying my best and maybe I’ll get there and be able to banish the negativity and exhaustion.we're trying, and we're glad that you're trying too
Look after yourselves, everyone.
Hey, guys?
I love you. So, so much.
I love you, irrespective of who you are.
I love you because you're here, and open.
I love you for your heart as it is now.
I love you, for all those times you might not feel loved.
I love you because you're another precious life. Someone unique, someone beautiful, and someone deserving of love.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Please remember that.
So now I'm sitting here with a cup of wine and a certain weakness in my soul. tbh cheap pinot grigio tastes like piss but if it's enough to get me to stop thinking I'll use it. Bad habit. I shouldn't do that.Miniturtle has nailed what she said, so I can't add to that...
So…
I made it. I guess.
But this isn’t a VCE journey journal, it’s a life journal.
It’s funny I’ve been nominated for the most supportive/motivational member this year, when all you guys are my support.
Love you all. I can never say that enough nor express how much you mean to me.
Hello, friends!Hi Nina,
The new year is upon us, and once again, we stand amazed at the fact that we’ve managed to survive another 365 days. Of course, it’s been four days since New Years Day, but that’s not gonna stop me from celebrating what 2019 means for us all.
I’ve composed a letter addressed to you all. Here goes.
To the people of ATAR Notes. Friends, confidantes, family.
First thing’s first, I want to thank you. For being there for me, every hour of every day (and night… and early morning). For lending me your hand. For pulling me up time and time again. For opening your hearts and sharing your stories. For loving a stranger.
And for showing us all that we are not alone.
The last few years had left me pretty broken. I’d experienced things I’d never imagined, both good and bad – I’d gone literally insane, gotten help, stitched up the scars, and kept walking. I’d seen the sun both rise and set almost 150 days last year; the only predictability in my life. I’ve seen everything else fall apart, every other day. But AN has always been here.
They say time is a friend when it comes to wounds. Time allows wounds to stop bleeding, to scab. But the scars are still visible, stark white and outstanding. And they still hurt when the weather gets cold.
What heals is friendship and the slow development of a relationship in which a person can trust again. Coming onto AN, I trusted no-one, including myself. I was stuck in a cycle of guilt and self-deprecation, and I sometimes felt like I’d never make it out. Actually, a lot of the time. I hated life, and year 12 only served to make it worse.
But through it all, you were here. Through it all, I could come to my safe place. And through it all, I learned that not everyone with the same name as the people who hurt me were bad. (Yes, Nick, I’m looking at you. Surprise, I was scared of you when I realized your name wasn’t actually *spoiler alert* Joseph). I learned that there was honor in some; a sincere light. Something I couldn’t question. And something that’s made me feel safe here. All I felt for so long was distrust and fear. Self-hate, timidity. But a simple, tight-knit community helped those scars fade. Still helps.
So, with the new year and all, I wanted to say thank you. You gave me hope. You gave me purpose. And most of all, you gave me your friendship.
To Joseph41, Calebark, insanipi, miniturtle, MissSmiley, beatroot, Lsjnzy13, PhoenixxFire, Vaike, turinturambar, Lear, RuiAce, technodisney, Alaska_Young14, Angelwings, dantraicos, Erutepa, Maya24, jazcstuart, fun_jirachi, Im21074, Sine, katie,rinos, Owlbird83, the untold encouragers and friends to come, thank you for the journey we’ve walked together so far.
I love you, and I’ll see you soon.
After all, we have a whole ‘nother year to get through. 😊
~ Nina xoxo
Hi Nina,Thank you, Jimmmy! I look forward to getting to know you. :))
I'm only new here, but your post really shows that you've done so well to come out of a difficult situation and come out on top. We're all proud of you, but most importantly you should be so proud of yourself.
Keep up the positivity, and I look forward to seeing you around here! :)
Hello, friends!
The new year is upon us, and once again, we stand amazed at the fact that we’ve managed to survive another 365 days. Of course, it’s been four days since New Years Day, but that’s not gonna stop me from celebrating what 2019 means for us all.
I’ve composed a letter addressed to you all. Here goes.
To the people of ATAR Notes. Friends, confidantes, family.
First thing’s first, I want to thank you. For being there for me, every hour of every day (and night… and early morning). For lending me your hand. For pulling me up time and time again. For opening your hearts and sharing your stories. For loving a stranger.
And for showing us all that we are not alone.
The last few years had left me pretty broken. I’d experienced things I’d never imagined, both good and bad – I’d gone literally insane, gotten help, stitched up the scars, and kept walking. I’d seen the sun both rise and set almost 150 days last year; the only predictability in my life. I’ve seen everything else fall apart, every other day. But AN has always been here.
They say time is a friend when it comes to wounds. Time allows wounds to stop bleeding, to scab. But the scars are still visible, stark white and outstanding. And they still hurt when the weather gets cold.
What heals is friendship and the slow development of a relationship in which a person can trust again. Coming onto AN, I trusted no-one, including myself. I was stuck in a cycle of guilt and self-deprecation, and I sometimes felt like I’d never make it out. Actually, a lot of the time. I hated life, and year 12 only served to make it worse.
But through it all, you were here. Through it all, I could come to my safe place. And through it all, I learned that not everyone with the same name as the people who hurt me were bad. (Yes, Nick, I’m looking at you. Surprise, I was scared of you when I realized your name wasn’t actually *spoiler alert* Joseph). I learned that there was honor in some; a sincere light. Something I couldn’t question. And something that’s made me feel safe here. All I felt for so long was distrust and fear. Self-hate, timidity. But a simple, tight-knit community helped those scars fade. Still helps.
So, with the new year and all, I wanted to say thank you. You gave me hope. You gave me purpose. And most of all, you gave me your friendship.
To Joseph41, Calebark, insanipi, miniturtle, MissSmiley, beatroot, Lsjnzy13, PhoenixxFire, Vaike, turinturambar, Lear, RuiAce, technodisney, Alaska_Young14, Angelwings, dantraicos, Erutepa, Maya24, jazcstuart, fun_jirachi, Im21074, Sine, katie,rinos, Owlbird83, the untold encouragers and friends to come, thank you for the journey we’ve walked together so far.
I love you, and I’ll see you soon.
After all, we have a whole ‘nother year to get through. 😊
~ Nina xoxo
I've had to temporarily quit work after blacking out in the middle of my shift, which means no money. I've had 7 blood tests and counting, and I'm on medication for thyroid issues. Hospital was meant to call as of a couple days ago so I can go in for tests but it hasn't happened and I've spent almost every day in bed. I've lost 9 kilos in the last month (which is bad, I was already just slightly underweight for my height and body type) and I've been getting dizzy and just plain exhausted a lot. It's stressful and tiring and I don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with it all. And lo and behold, my old friend Depression has slunk in. He's not welcome but he likes to sleep on my chest at night and I can't seem to get him off.
But let's stop complaining. Here's the deal. My world currently consists of sleep, stress, sleep, sleep, make an attempt at eating, stress, stress, stress, sleep. But a ray of light shines through it all, and it's name is Art. Art is currently my life and my for the first time ever I feel free with it. This is especially exciting as I am currently in an internship for illustration and animation, and might even end up with a job out of it if I manage to learn the ropes just right. This means studying and practicing every day, drawing the same stuff over and over, poring over Anatomy, reading up on famous artists and their techniques. It'll be difficult but not taxing. Art is where I find joy. So I will have to be kept accountable and draw, and draw, and draw. Coming out of school I could never see my future clearly, but now I have found something amazing and I can't wait to pick it up and have a go. At least for one year. This year, I won't be going to university. I'll be giving myself time to heal and time to find what I really want. And I am excited, despite, and in spite of, the whispers of doubt and the feeling of sinking I keep getting in the middle of the night. Like now.
This year, I won't be going to university. I'll be giving myself time to heal and time to find what I really want. And I am excited, despite, and in spite of, the whispers of doubt and the feeling of sinking I keep getting in the middle of the night. Like now.health is most important. i took a gap year after year 12 cos i wasn't mentally "ready". whilst i have realized most of my year 12 classmates have already graduated and are already working and earning salaries, i definitely do not regret it as i could focus on my health so i could go in to uni feeling 'better' and more prepared about this. consider this, you've probably been in school for ~13yrs so it's nice to take a break :P
Sometimes I feel somehow inferior for making the decision to not study and instead just focus on my wellbeing and assets, but that's not right. If you're considering a gap year and find that year 12 takes a toll on you, university is not your only option. And this year I'll be taking you, my dear reader, through the ups and downs of my decision.
But let's stop complaining. Here's the deal. My world currently consists of sleep, stress, sleep, sleep, make an attempt at eating, stress, stress, stress, sleep. But a ray of light shines through it all, and it's name is Art. Art is currently my life and my for the first time ever I feel free with it. This is especially exciting as I am currently in an internship for illustration and animation, and might even end up with a job out of it if I manage to learn the ropes just right. This means studying and practicing every day, drawing the same stuff over and over, poring over Anatomy, reading up on famous artists and their techniques. It'll be difficult but not taxing. Art is where I find joy. So I will have to be kept accountable and draw, and draw, and draw. Coming out of school I could never see my future clearly, but now I have found something amazing and I can't wait to pick it up and have a go. At least for one year. This year, I won't be going to university. I'll be giving myself time to heal and time to find what I really want. And I am excited, despite, and in spite of, the whispers of doubt and the feeling of sinking I keep getting in the middle of the night. Like now.
Sometimes I feel somehow inferior for making the decision to not study and instead just focus on my wellbeing and assets, but that's not right. If you're considering a gap year and find that year 12 takes a toll on you, university is not your only option. And this year I'll be taking you, my dear reader, through the ups and downs of my decision.
So, some crazy news - I am not going to university this year. Instead, I've decided to go with the things that make me happy and get me money and independence, including a real job (not just casual work at a fish and chip shop), plans to move out of home and an art internship.
Thanks for your beautiful words, everyone. I really appreciate what you all have to say, even if I seem to have ignored you. I haven't. You're all beautiful and I love you.
The funny thing about time is that it's fluid, but also set. Time is such a substantial part of our lives, and yet it doesn't exist. Our very existences, and how we understand them, are based off of an illusory notion. Something we think we know, but we don't.
Time is a paradoxical concept, and one of those topics I find myself thinking in circles about a lot. Most of the time, that would be negative. But time has been a precious fallacy to me lately. And I'm happy.
In the past month since my last entry, a lot has happened. My health has gone up and down, mentally and physically, but overall should be on the rise. I found a second job as a waitress, stopped my medication, and have found a bond with the people of AN stronger than any I have ever had. As friends, teachers and even, dare I say it, lovers. Well, one lover. Time is precious in a way it has never been before. I don't feel lost anymore. In my art, my friends, and the people of this community, I've found purpose and a way to sleep with a smile instead of tears. To appreciate the sunshine, hold it close and let it warm my heart. To open myself and trust that I will be caught as soon as I trip, let alone before I fall. To know that the past can't hurt me any more then I let it. To know that somebody wants me for who I am, as I am, in their life. And that in my struggles, whether that be fighting with family, a pile of rejection letters in my inbox, the return of my mystery illness, or a depressive episode, the people I love will be there for me, without fail. This certainty is one I cannot remember feeling since I was a little girl, and it feels... Good. It's a confidence not only in others, but a confidence in myself. And for the first time, I am ready for what's to come. I am ready for the future, willing to learn from the past and really do treasure the present for what it is - a gift. And a beautiful one.
Time truly is a special thing. And I am honoured to share mine with you.
That is great to hear! :)
I absolutely love the way you write Poet!
That is great to hear! :)Thanks, my friend! 💙 Hope everything is well for you too.
I absolutely love the way you write Poet!
sameYou flatter me haha, but thank you. I've always been an extreme bookworm, so perhaps my linguistic skills have been refined naturally by reading 3 novels a week for about 4 years straight?
she expresses herself in words (especially poetry :) ) better than anyone I've ever seen
how did you develop your perfect linguistic skills ???
lol ;)
I think it’s about time for a general life update, however awfully mundane, because you crazy people seem to somehow enjoy reading this crap. I’m not judging, but you are insane.
...
That’s about it for now. If you read till the end you are properly off your metaphorical rockers.
I've probably said it before, and others certainly have, but I read your writing because it's beautiful.
And I wish Ihadmade time to read 3 novels a week :)
Enjoy the RSA course!
Thanks for listening to my rambling, all. I'm sure there's more to say but I doubt many of you even read thisI read every single word - as I always do when you post here. In fact, I might have even read some words twice. Regardless of whether you believe it, we care about you, and reading about how your life is going is something that humans do when they care about other humans <3
My savings are flying at the moment - I'm still living at home despite a strong want to leave, so I've implemented a 60:40 ratio rule. 60% of my earnings go to savings, whilst 40% goes to things like socialising, rent, phone payments and fun things like hoards of camembert cheese. When I hit 10,000 in savings (which is not far off at all) I'll begin actively looking for my own place/somewhere to share, as well as a car of my own. Because yes, news #2, I passed my driving test a while ago!Camembert cheese tim tams?
my teeth felt huge and smooth, almost slimey.Oh yeah I remember this, definitely strange at first. You'll get used to it :p
Anywhere in particular you want to move to or is it too early to be thinking about that?
I'm so happy to hear you're going well/better!! :Dforgot to respond to this, sorry Katie!!
I'm also doing my RSA course tomorrow (mines from 5-11pm!). Hope yours goes well and job hunting gets better! :)
I read every single word - as I always do when you post here. In fact, I might have even read some words twice. Regardless of whether you believe it, we care about you, and reading about how your life is going is something that humans do when they care about other humans <3You touch my heart every time. I don't mean to leave you out at all - I just tend to forget that people care, because I don't really care too much about myself, so I tend to be surprised whenever love comes back around. Like now ❤️
Camembert cheese tim tams?Oh god above YES
Anywhere in particular you want to move to or is it too early to be thinking about that?Yes, actually. Considering I've been dreaming of independence for a while, I'm looking around maybe the Heidelberg or Preston area if I don't get a car. If I DO get a car, somewhere like around Clayton or closer to the west side might be easier travel for work.
Oh yeah I remember this, definitely strange at first. You'll get used to it :p
Love you poet <3
If you think no one reads your journal or cares you're either not paying attention or have forgotten. We're here for you, and that hasn't changed.I'd forgotten, I guess. I still don't expect or feel like I deserve the flood of respect that comes my way whenever I post - it's a little crazy, but it does make me feel appreciated. Thank you for reminding me. 💙
In GC we did an activity where we narrowed down what the main thing we wanted to get out of the year was, and mine was "home" so I definitely get where you're coming from with it having a lot of meaning. It's great to see you finding yours :)
If I get a vote I wouldn't mind having a Poet near me <3
Also (not to boast or anything) but I tested positive to the Epsteindidn’t kill himself Barr test, which means I have the antibodies created in the presence of glandular fever. From my meagre education in biology, I would take the plunge and say I’ve probably had chronic fatigue as an after-effect of glandular fever, which is actually quite common despite no conclusive evidence on the topic. But sure, refer me to a mothertrucking private dietician healthcare won’t cover. I’ll give it a crack if it gets rid of this constant nausea. Or not.That actually makes a lot of sense. At least its something to go on, better than having no idea I guess. My brother has CFS (which is possibly caused by a lot of things, none definitively, but one of them is glandular fever where the chronic fatigue afterwards doesn't go away) and it took a very long time of doctors doing tests and trying to explain it by literally anything else before they figured that out. If this has been an ongoing thing (i think it has to be 6 months) then finding a doctor who knows about cfs might get you some actual answers. There isn't really heaps of proven treatment options for chronic fatigue, diet and moderate non strenuous exercise are supposed to help somewhat though.
I would not be so convinced that chronic fatigue is a strong possibility if I didn’t already know that I get nauseous when I push myself to exhaustion. A few times through year 12 I pushed myself to the point I would vomit; so, it makes sense?
Outside of work, a friend recently decided they didn’t want me in their life. Not too recently; it was just before my last entry actually – but it really, really hurts when someone tells you they don’t care about you anymore so brutally after almost 9 years. It’s taken a while to sink in but whenever I have time alone, I begin going through everything I could have possibly done to make him feel that way. And at points like today where my mental and physical health suck, it’s like I’ve been shot with a poisoned arrow, and it just keeps seeping in. I don’t know. I guess getting a girlfriend replaced me in his life.:( I know it's hard for your to believe, but it's not your fault and I hope that you're able to realise that eventually. I am so lucky to have you as a friend and there's nothing you could ever do to make me not care about you. Love you always <3
I still have a hole.
I don’t know. I just feel sick and drained and disheartened with everything. Tomorrow I’ll try to make pancakes and wash my sheets. I washed my clothes today. But what kind of goal is that? I just feel stupid. Stupid, and confused, anxious, and scared. It’s like I grew up young, but there’s still a small child huddling somewhere inside of me as a passenger to everything I do. I just want to close my eyes and disappear. I doubt many people would care too much if I did anyway. Not even people I thought cared, for a long time. Or they’d care when it became convenient.That's the sort of goal that gets you through another day. Big mood though. To quote someone much wiser than me ;) "It's something. It's living." I would care a whole lot poet, I enjoy having you in my life and am better for it, regardless of how you're feeling, I will always care about you. As always, I read every word of this post, and I hope that one day you can learn to trust that there will always be someone who is here to listen and care about you. Enjoy your pancakes <3
I'm impressed if you read all this. Always am. I'll try to remember to write when I'm feeling more positive sometime.
From my meagre education in biologyhmmm... between a fair few of your friends you probably have a fair bit of exposure to bio, so your education might be more than meagre. We can hope. :)
But what kind of goal is that?
/snip/Hey Rick,
/snip/I've had the noticeable symptoms since December last year (I was in bed for two months) but I can probably trace it back to at earliest the start of year 11/end of year 10. Which would explain a lot haha. I'll have to make another appointment soon but my anxiety is ~ w i l d ~ today so not right now :(
/snip/OK so maybe hanging out on AN... and having best friends who are STEM geniuses... and dating a bio nerd... means I have more than a meagre knowledge hehe
... Make goals. Little ones are good to start with, each day add a new goal. Today it might be the goal to get out of bed, tomorrow it might be get out of bed and wash some clothes, or wash your hair. Its ok if they are small.
Love you sister. You can do it. <3 :)
Stupid? Ugly? Useless? Failure?You have said all that I wanted to say but didn't know how to. Thank you.
You're not any of those.
Scared makes a lot of sense and I certainly won't dispute that one.
Sometimes what feels safe doesn't follow what our minds see as logical but that doesn't make it easy to function in an environment where you're on edge. It's draining even on its own.
I hope this eases again soon.
You have multiple people who see you as a wonderful person & that's because you are. However highly you are functioning we value you.
I don't think you'd choose to lie about this. It doesn't fit with what I know of you.
Thank you for telling us what's going on 💙
Thanks for your replies, Bri and Cat. I'm safe, I'm okay. And I appreciate you both. <3It's good you're okay. I don't know what else to say, but your update makes me happy. :) (Yeah, I'm really bad at expressing these things. Sorry.)
Dear friends,
It's been a couple of weeks since my last panicked update (I'm sorry for inflicting it upon you) and I thought I'd update now.
I've been going through the process of just keeping myself safe and sane, and yesterday I moved into a hospital home and was put in the same room as last time (hooray for consistency!). About 70% of the staff are the same and actually remember me which is insane considering how long it's been since I was here last. It does help to ease my mind a little to know that they care enough to see me as an individual.
As I'm here for preventative care, I've been trusted to supervise my own medication use and I can go out for runs/walks without supervision. If I get worse and feel unsafe or unable to regulate myself, I'll let the staff know and they'll go through anything I may need - which includes checking up on me every two hours and organising possible changes/restrictions in medication or transfer to the psychiatric ward (which I doubt I'll need).
It looks like I'll be here for 2 weeks and in that time I'll have daily sessions with my keyworker/assessors and two optional therapy workshops per day. Last time I was here, I had a bit of an intimidating housemate who would follow me around so I rarely went to sessions - but this time I think I'll be a lot more comfortable in community sessions as the other housemates aren't threatening.
Also I thought I'd be sad about the instant coffee here but turns out my standards are just as low as before I started barista-ing my own with a coffee machine hehe! Hot beverages are niceeeee, especially as today is rainy and cold (yay for sweater weather!) :))
Insanipi sent me a book to read (how precious is she <3) so I might open it today and give it a try. They also have puzzles here, and I've got my laptop, phone, nail polish, art supplies and some makeup to entertain myself with in the down times. And a tonne of chocolate from my partner (thank you bb)!
Okay I think that's all. I'll have to update after I get out because I have some super exciting plans involving the care of living creatures and stuff!
Love from,
Your low-functioning but okay Poet who hasn't written much poetry lately
I want to have completed up to lesson 3 in my mental health course before dischargeDone! I completed lesson 4 a few days ago too :))
Fill in (and display) sticky notes with things I want to do for enjoyment and things I like about myself (positive affirmations!)Not yet - I've brainstormed, but haven't actually written anything on notes yet. I'll have to do that before my next update.
Call youth employment services and follow up general numbers given by my key workerKind of - I registered my interest under the government Disability Employment Services scheme and have a worker I'm in contact with, but didn't actually get anywhere with local employer links from my key worker at PARC.
Remember to practice controlled breathing twice a dayYes! I actually have been doing this, more once a day though if I'm honest. Still, good progress on my end.
Exercise every day (at least half an hour 3 days of the week at minimum)Mostly! I have one or two rest days per week where I do a stretch routine rather than working out or running, but I'm pretty strong atm.
Don't bite your nailsYep - got an SNS manicure done so I couldn't bite them if I wanted to - also, they're super pretty now hahaha
Try drawing by myself (outside of art therapy) at least twice per weekYes! I've actually been working on a commission portrait for someone lately and that's really helped to get me back into drawing :D
Talk to myself more positively. Take some pictures and write good things.No :( - I've been struggling quite a bit with this one. Need more time to slowly build up.
Take risks!Sort of! I started playing a new game, talking to new people, and I've been baking occasionally without a recipe! Haven't done anything big but that's okay. We'll get there.
After that I'm going on holiday with Erutepa's family again and I can't wait! I need to get new bathers for the creek
~ Compete in athletics competition for the first timeI think this point needs a bit more attention.
~ Go swimming and put my head underwaterIt seems to be pretty warm on Sunday - at least compared to the rest of this week - so perhaps we can tick this one off after round 3 of athletics.
You're right - it's a gorgeous river in the mountains, the water pure snow melt, a steady current heard above cicada song. I'll pull a Banjo Patterson and talk about the Girl from Snowy River if you want :p
woah woah woah.
this ain't no dank dirty creek we are going to go swimming in. I have standards!!!
this is a dank dirty river we will be swimming in! get it right.this is of comical intent - the river is actually quite clean and clear... usually I think this point needs a bit more attention.
Not only did you participate in the competition, but you did so in the face of some pretty significant anxiety and, even more, ran a 2:10 for 600m when you were expecting to be over 3:00. you have pretty high expectations of yourself, so its not often you smash those expectations. This certainly warrants some self congratulations. :)
It seems to be pretty warm on Sunday - at least compared to the rest of this week - so perhaps we can tick this one off after round 3 of athletics.
Also, tomorrow is 2 years with Erutepa. We met thanks to this forum, and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We're going out for a movie and dinner on Saturday to celebrate.
Hey guys.💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
I have some news.
So, I've been chronically ill for a while now. 3, almost 4 years? Anyway. It's pain that I've been dealing with for a long time. Dismissal from doctors. Denial. Anger and frustration, depression and contempt that I've had for myself, because there have been so many times where this hurt has refused to let me do what I want to.
I've felt useless for a long, long while. This thing has shattered my self-confidence, and my motivation. My faith in the medical professionals meant to help me.
But guess what?
I got a diagnosis.
Finally. After all this time, it turns out I have a gastrointestinal bacterial infection. It is called H. Pylori, and in serious cases (like mine) it causes ulcers in the stomach and duodenum, and can also damage the upper intestines.
It's not "just anxiety". It's not anaemia. It's not anything I've done wrong. It just is.
It's so validating to me now to know that I wasn't just imagining things for years. There's a reason I spend so many nights writhing in pain, vomiting, exhausted. A reason I have "untreatable" iron anaemia. A reason for the vertigo. A reason for the uncontrollable shaking.
I've had bleeding wounds in my gut for years. Something the doctors somehow never noticed. But I'm finally being seen. And I've started treatment! 2 weeks of antibiotics that make my brain foggy and my body hurt.
Something that a lot of people don't recognise is the prejudice against people with mental health conditions in the medical system. I was dismissed so many times; because I'm a young woman, sure - but also because when a doctor looks at my record, all they see is the physical manifestation of anxiety.
I'm genuinely lucky that it didn't get worse. And I'm happy for that. But I want to bring attention to the fact that, by dismissing the ill physical health of someone with ill mental health, you're not only risking their wellbeing in both senses - you're also removing the choices a normal person would be given without hesitation.
Anyway.
I'm looking forward to seeing myself pain-free for the first time in my adult life. I'm excited to see where I will go. How liberated I will feel.
For the first time, I know an end is coming. And it's one of the best feelings I've ever known.
Hey guys.It’s amazing you finally got a proper diagnosis, Poet! 💙 Must be a massive relief. (Maybe not so much now with the antibiotics but once the course is over, hopefully it’ll be much happier days.)
I have some news.
So, I've been chronically ill for a while now. 3, almost 4 years? Anyway. It's pain that I've been dealing with for a long time. Dismissal from doctors. Denial. Anger and frustration, depression and contempt that I've had for myself, because there have been so many times where this hurt has refused to let me do what I want to.
I've felt useless for a long, long while. This thing has shattered my self-confidence, and my motivation. My faith in the medical professionals meant to help me.
But guess what?
I got a diagnosis.
Finally. After all this time, it turns out I have a gastrointestinal bacterial infection. It is called H. Pylori, and in serious cases (like mine) it causes ulcers in the stomach and duodenum, and can also damage the upper intestines.
It's not "just anxiety". It's not anaemia. It's not anything I've done wrong. It just is.
It's so validating to me now to know that I wasn't just imagining things for years. There's a reason I spend so many nights writhing in pain, vomiting, exhausted. A reason I have "untreatable" iron anaemia. A reason for the vertigo. A reason for the uncontrollable shaking.
I've had bleeding wounds in my gut for years. Something the doctors somehow never noticed. But I'm finally being seen. And I've started treatment! 2 weeks of antibiotics that make my brain foggy and my body hurt.
Something that a lot of people don't recognise is the prejudice against people with mental health conditions in the medical system. I was dismissed so many times; because I'm a young woman, sure - but also because when a doctor looks at my record, all they see is the physical manifestation of anxiety.
I'm genuinely lucky that it didn't get worse. And I'm happy for that. But I want to bring attention to the fact that, by dismissing the ill physical health of someone with ill mental health, you're not only risking their wellbeing in both senses - you're also removing the choices a normal person would be given without hesitation.
Anyway.
I'm looking forward to seeing myself pain-free for the first time in my adult life. I'm excited to see where I will go. How liberated I will feel.
For the first time, I know an end is coming. And it's one of the best feelings I've ever known.
It’s amazing you finally got a proper diagnosis, Poet! 💙 Must be a massive relief. (Maybe not so much now with the antibiotics but once the course is over, hopefully it’ll be much happier days.)Thank you!! Right now it doesn't feel too good, but I know that when I finish this course I'll be so much better. It's hard to type at the moment because I'm shaking a lot. My body is still fighting.Fun factFun fact: There’s a bit of a gross and unethical story in H. pylori’s history. Two Perth scientists finally showed that its infection is a potential cause of stomach ulcers, where one drank a culture of the H. pylori and got very ill to prove it. They got a Nobel Prize for it, so I guess it was worth it?
💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙🐸💙💙💙
Anyway.
I'm looking forward to seeing myself pain-free for the first time in my adult life. I'm excited to see where I will go. How liberated I will feel.
For the first time, I know an end is coming. And it's one of the best feelings I've ever known.
Good evening, my loves. I hope all is well.This is great! Hope it keeps going up. :)
Another update is in order, I think.
It just hit me that I've been writing here for 3 and a half years(?!?!?!???!) Bruh. I cringe so hard at some of the stuff earlier in this thread. But then again, it documents my growth in its purest form - so I guess it's a good thing. It does make me wonder WHY some of y'all decided to become my best friends. Am I not annoying to you??
So, what's new?
Last night I completed my first work shift in over one and a half years. It was a night shift from 11pm-4am working in a bakery prepping and packing orders for Victorian panic bread buyers. Yup. People panic buy bread. Not sure why. How much space do they have in their freezers??? But it made the night busy and threw me into the deep end, which is where I work best. Initially I was afraid that I would panic and become unable to function - I didn't have any initial training, and got lost at least twice trying to find extra bags. But when the job is physical and fairly intuitive, I can get into it easily and the hours go by like minutes. I think the hardest thing was slogging through the last hour which consisted of cleaning and stacking shelves with the breads and pastries I had baked earlier in the night for packing and delivery. And that's only because my feet were sore from standing for 5 hours!
My next shift in is to be on Monday from 7pm-10pm working with seafood. I'm less excited as it'll be cold and smell not nearly as nice as the bakery, but it's more experience for me to broaden my scope of knowledge again.
I hated school as a kinaesthetic learner. I also hated office work. But this? This is my jam. This is good. I can touch things and make money. Printing labels and stacking trays especially are my faves. Go team! Label machine go BRRR
Anyway. I'm tired, but nowhere near as badly as I would have been 6 weeks ago. I've thrown up exactly once this month, and that was from food poisoning so it doesn't count. The downside to increased energy is the relative anxiety symptoms - but I also have increased awareness to mitigate those effects. So yeah. I have a real, actual, bonafide job now. I feel so much better.
And I'm off my meds too haha don't tell my mom hahah
TL;DR - Post-treatment has only gone up. Catch you later, pals <3
Am I not annoying to you??
TL;DR - Post-treatment has only gone up. Catch you later, pals <3