ATAR Notes: Forum
National Education => Admissions tests => Selective Schools Admissions Tests => Topic started by: GalacticProcess on May 14, 2017, 02:46:23 pm
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Hey guys,
This year I will be sitting the exam for year 11 entry into Suzanne Cory. I will be trying to regularly post my persuasive texts and narrative pieces. It would be great if some of you guys could read over them and give me some feedback. If you feel like a word should not have been used, please advise on what word could be used next time. I just wanted to clarify, is it alright to only write 2 arguments? It is what I have been taught (the teacher said to do this as I only have 15 mins to write). Also, do I need to include a rebuttal paragraph? Thanks
Topic: Should the driving age be raised to 21.
The legal driving age has been a topic of debate for many years. If the driving age is kept at eighteen years, it will provide a sense of responsibility and independence for young men and women. Keeping the age to eighteen will also benefit parents as they will not have to drive their children around.
Firstly, keeping the driving age to eighteen will increase responsibility and independence of young men and women. It will give them a taste of what life is like in adulthood. For young people, independence allows for them to trust their own decisions and makes them more confident in daily life situations. The responsibility of driving at a young age will allow them to develop their understanding of life around them and will prepare them for life after the 'teen' years. However, people being allowed to drive at the age of eighteen will also benefit parents.
Secondly, if the legal driving age is increased to twenty-one, it will mean that parents will have to drive their children everywhere. This reduces the time that parents have for other things such as spending time with his or her partner or just relaxing. It also makes children feel like a burden on their parents as they are still being driven around to places even at the age of eighteen. Many parents are unable to drive their children around due to work commitments and various other reasons.
In conclusion, the driving age should unequivocally not be raised to twenty-one. Firstly, when children start driving at eighteen, it raised their confidence levels and puts more responsibility onto them. Secondly, it allows for parents to step back and enjoy the times when they don't need to drive their children around. Therefore, the driving age should definitely not be raised to twenty-one.
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hey ! so i guess you shouldnt take my word for it and i dont know if my opinion is right haha but usually when i write persuasives, i like to steer away from using 'firstly', 'secondly' and 'thirdly' as my paragraph starters. i feel like its too generic. Instead maybe try using words like 'furthermore', 'moreover' and 'in addition' for your second and third body paragraphs. using 'firstly' in your first paragraph is fine but i just feel like it gets too... boring you could say if you continue to use those paragraph starters. don't take my word for it completely haha i dont really deem myself as suitable to critique your work but this is just my opinion. good luck !! :)
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In my opinion you should aim for about 500 words minimum for the essay. Right now, your essay is about 300 words (That's what it says on the wordcounter site). I know that quality>quantity, but right now it seeks like you're not able to flesh out your points properly, since you haven't said enough. Also, I agree with the statement that having the firstly, secondly, and in conclusion structure is generic and doesn't help you to stand out.
The legal driving age has been a topic of debate for many years. Try to have a stronger starting sentence to capture the reader's attention, instead of a really generic sentence like this. If the driving age is kept at eighteen years I feel like this sudden change from context to argument doesn't flow well and could be done better , it will provide a sense of responsibility and independence for young men and women. A linking word like furthermore/additionally would make this flow better here Keeping the age to eighteen will also benefit parents as they will not have to drive their children around.
Firstly, keeping the driving age to weird expression here eighteen will increase the (it feels like the is missing here) responsibility and independence of young men and women. It will give them a taste of what life is like in adulthood. For young people, independence allows for them to trust their own decisions and makes them more confident in daily life situations. This is phrased unusually and is not necessarily true The responsibility of driving at a young age will allow them to develop their understanding of life around them and will prepare them for life after the 'teen' years. This might be true, but it's a massive stretch and is not explained well However, people being allowed to drive at the age of eighteen will also benefit parents.
Secondly, if the legal driving age is increased to twenty-one, it will mean that parents will have to drive their children everywhere. This is a valid argument, but the phrasing just seems too casual. I would say something like Additionally, increasing the legal driving age will force parents to squander their precious time driving their children. I think you need an explanation sentence here stating something like Increasing the legal driving age will heavily limit the means of transportation of teenagers, thus forcing them to rely on their parents. This reduces the time that parents have for other things such as spending time with his or her their would be better here partner or just relaxing. It also makes children feel like a burden on their parents This could be expressed better as they are still being driven around to places even at the age of eighteen. Many parents are unable to drive their children around due to work commitments and various other reasons.
In conclusion, the driving age should unequivocally not be raised to twenty-one. Firstly, when children start driving at eighteen, it raised their confidence levels and puts more responsibility onto them. Secondly, it allows for parents to step back and enjoy the times when they don't need to drive their children around. The expression here isn't formal Therefore, the driving age should definitely not be raised to twenty-one.
I know that these comments in general have been really negative, but you've done a decent job at writing an essay in 15 minutes. It's just that this crazy time limit really creates many expression errors and makes it really difficult to develop your arguments. Anyway good job and keep working hard. :) Also, take my advice with a grain of salt, since I'm in year 12 this year.
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Thanks zhen,
I completely understand your reasoning behind the negative comments and I do not find them at all offensive. In fact, I am very pleased that you have been critical of my writing as it helps me find all the errors. Can you please just let me know what I can write instead of what I actually wrote. For example - when a sentence is too informal, it would be great if you could let me know how I could possibly write it in the future. Thank you so much.
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Thanks for the reply emonerd,
I completely understand what you mean.
I have written a creative piece. Can you guys please read this and once again give me some feedback. I just wanted to ask... when writing a creative piece, is it necessary to write the basic 5 paragraph structure (orientation, complication, rising tension, climax and resolution)? Can I write the way I have written this one? Thanks
Topic: Image: Girl looking out of window. Below picture it says "What happens next?"
Heavy, grey clouds filled the sky, glued together so that no light could pass through. The trees stood low as though they were bored out of their misery. I could smell the smoke coming from the burning houses. BANG! The noise came again as the rubble from demolished trees flew around. "What happens next?" I though to myself as I saw people running around screaming.
"Tom! Hurry!" My father yelled as he urgently demanded me to follow him.
I quickly jumped off the dusty wooden table I was sitting on and scampered behind him. As soon as I steppe outside, the cold wind hit me like a massive wall. My hair stood on end and tiny goosebumps covered my body. BANG! There it went again. Screams filled the air once again and I started to hear a sharp ringing in my hears. Men wearing bulky white uniforms were running around, aiming their black rifles at frightened residents. Rocks were being thrown as people being attacked attempted to rebel against the orders of the men dressed in white.
My father grabbed me and pulled me behind a rusted tank as if he was trying to keep us out of sight. We tried to stay as quiet as possible. A man with big black boots walked past us as we tried to stay as low to the ground as possible. We slowly rose to our feet and sneaked away from the tank. I didn't know where we were going and I hadn't bothered to ask my father. I saw a large building in the distance. Wondering why that had not been destroyed just as every house in the area had, I assumed that it would (be) our destination. Every couple of seconds, we darted behind nearby objects objects to avoid being seen.
"Stop right there!" A voice boomed (from) behind us.
As we swiveled around, one of the men dressed in white pressed the trigger of his gun. To my horror, my father collapsed near me, clutching his chest. In an attempt to protect my father from further shots, I stood in front of him with my arms widespread. To my amazement, the man lowered his weapon.
"What are you doing?" Thundered a voice to my right.
As soon as this was said, my father's killer lifted his rifle once more and the sound of a gunshot echoed through my mind. My body started to sway and my vision started to blur. The environment soon appeared to be engulfed with thick mist as I began to feel very cold.
Thanks
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Thanks zhen,
I completely understand your reasoning behind the negative comments and I do not find them at all offensive. In fact, I am very pleased that you have been critical of my writing as it helps me find all the errors. Can you please just let me know what I can write instead of what I actually wrote. For example - when a sentence is too informal, it would be great if you could let me know how I could possibly write it in the future. Thank you so much.
I'll try to provide examples next time, but I'm not really the best person to do that type of thing. For the example when I said it was informal in the conclusion, an alternative could be that it prevents parents from being inconvenienced by their children's transportation needs or something like that.
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I'll try to provide examples next time, but I'm not really the best person to do that type of thing. For the example when I said it was informal in the conclusion, an alternative could be that it prevents parents from being inconvenienced by their children's transportation needs or something like that.
Ok thanks.
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Topic: Image: Girl looking out of window. Below picture it says "What happens next?"
Heavy, grey clouds filled the sky, glued together so that no light could pass through. Really good description and starting sentence The trees stood low as though they were bored out of their misery The saying is I'll put you out of your misery, which basically means to kill someone, which makes this part sound weird . I could smell the smoke coming from the burning houses. BANG! The noise came again as the rubble from demolished trees flew around. Great description and use of onomatopoeia "What happens next?" I thought to myself as I saw people running around screaming.
"Tom! Hurry!" My father yelled as he urgently demanded me to follow him. I think this could be more effective if you used capital letters and describe it better. Like "TOM! HURRY!", my father screamed at the top of his lungs, as he urgently demanded me to follow him.
I quickly jumped off the dusty wooden table I was sitting on and scampered behind him. As soon as I stepped outside, the cold wind hit me like a massive wall. My hair stood on end and tiny goosebumps covered my body. BANG! There it went again. Screams filled the air once again and I started to hear a sharp ringing in my ears. Again great descritive language used Men wearing bulky white uniforms were running around, aiming their black rifles at frightened residents. Rocks were being thrown as people being attacked attempted to rebel against the orders of the men dressed in white. I think it would be better to make the people the subject of the sentence. For example, people were desperately hurling rocks at these ment dressed in white. This just makes your sentence more concise.
My father grabbed me and pulled me behind a rusted tank as if he was trying to keep us out of sight. We tried to stay as quiet as possible. A man with big black boots walked past us as we tried to stay as low to the ground as possible. We slowly rose to our feet and sneaked away from the tank. I didn't know where we were going and I hadn't bothered to ask my father. I saw a large building in the distance. Wondering why that had not been destroyed just as every house in the area had, I assumed that it would (be) our destination. Every couple of seconds, we darted behind nearby objects objects to avoid being seen.
"Stop right there!" A voice boomed (from) behind us.
As we swiveled around, one of the men dressed in white pressed the trigger of his gun. This would be a great time to do something like BANG! A violent sound began resonating throughout my very being. My eyes began darting around frantically and out of the corner of my eye I see my father tightly clutching his chest. To my horror, my father collapsed near me, clutching his chest. In an attempt to protect my father from further shots, I stood in front of him with my arms widespread. To my amazement, the man lowered his weapon.
"What are you doing?" Thundered a voice to my right.
As soon as this was said, my father's killer lifted his rifle once more and the sound of a gunshot echoed through my mind. My body started to sway and my vision started to blur. The environment soon appeared to be engulfed with thick mist Great description here as I began to feel very cold. I feel like you could have described this better than just saying that the character felt "very cold". Also, I noticed that you haven't described the features of the killer, which could be a really good thing to add.
I think that this creative is a lot better than your persuasive piece. Overall I think you did a great job writing this! I think this was an extremely solid piece of writing with only minor flaws. ;D You can post more practice essays here, which I'll try to correct, but I'm busy for the rest of the term, so I might take a while to correct your essays in the future.
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I think that this creative is a lot better than your persuasive piece. Overall I think you did a great job writing this! I think this was an extremely solid piece of writing with only minor flaws. ;D You can post more practice essays here, which I'll try to correct, but I'm busy for the rest of the term, so I might take a while to correct your essays in the future.
Thank you so much. I agree with you when you say that this piece is a lot better than the persuasive text. I felt a lot more confident just writing it. Thanks for giving me examples when you find a fault in my writing. Would the word count suffice? It was only 427 words. I will try to post a piece of writing every day or every 2 days. If and when you have time, you can read over and make any comments. I understand that year 12 is a busy year. One more thing... do I need to write in the 5 paragraph structure (orientation, complication, rising tension, climax and resolution) or is the way I wrote mine fine? If you could please advise me on how I can think of ideas very quickly that would also be appreciated. I tend to take very long to think of things to write about.
Thanks
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Thank you so much. I agree with you when you say that this piece is a lot better than the persuasive text. I felt a lot more confident just writing it. Thanks for giving me examples when you find a fault in my writing. Would the word count suffice? It was only 427 words. I will try to post a piece of writing every day or every 2 days. If and when you have time, you can read over and make any comments. I understand that year 12 is a busy year. One more thing... do I need to write in the 5 paragraph structure (orientation, complication, rising tension, climax and resolution) or is the way I wrote mine fine? If you could please advise me on how I can think of ideas very quickly that would also be appreciated. I tend to take very long to think of things to write about.
Thanks
I think that the amount of words here is enough, as long as you can reproduce this kind of quality in the exam. In my opinion, in creative writing you don't have to follow a set structure, so I don't think you need to write in a 5 paragraph structure. I think the way you did your creative is fine. I'd say that you just need to practice more to think of ideas quickly. For most of my essays, I use the same structure/words, so practicing more helps me engrain these things into my mind.
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I think that the amount of words here is enough, as long as you can reproduce this kind of quality in the exam. In my opinion, in creative writing you don't have to follow a set structure, so I don't think you need to write in a 5 paragraph structure. I think the way you did your creative is fine. I'd say that you just need to practice more to think of ideas quickly. For most of my essays, I use the same structure/words, so practicing more helps me engrain these things into my mind.
Ok thanks,
So if I write something like this in the real exam, do you think I would be good to go? What result do you think I would get (above average, superior, etc)? Btw, how can I practice to think of ideas quickly? Thanks
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I have written a creative piece. Can you guys please read this and once again give me some feedback. I just wanted to ask... when writing a creative piece, is it necessary to write the basic 5 paragraph structure (orientation, complication, rising tension, climax and resolution)? Can I write the way I have written this one? Thanks. is there a basic five paragraph structure? i'd say you want all those things in there though, otherwise you won't get the impact you're after. wasn't aware there was a formula for it though haha.
Topic: Image: Girl looking out of window. Below picture it says "What happens next?"
Heavy, grey clouds filled the sky, glued together so that no light could pass through. The trees stood low as though they were bored out of their misery. I could smell the smoke coming from the burning houses. BANG! The noise came again as the rubble from demolished trees flew around. "What happens next?" I thought to myself as I saw people running around screaming.
"Tom! Hurry!" My father yelled as he urgently demanded me to follow him. is his dad yelling that sentence or is he just yelling in general? if he's yelling that sentence, the grammar should be: "Tom! Hurry!" my father yelled as ... etc etc. it's like how if you hadn't used an exclamation mark, the comma and quotation marks would be followed by a lowercase word.
I quickly jumped off the dusty wooden table I was sitting on and scampered behind him. As soon as I steppe outside, the cold wind hit me like a massive wall. My hair stood on end and tiny goosebumps covered my body. BANG! There it went again. Screams filled the air once again and I started to hear a sharp ringing in my hears. Men wearing bulky white uniforms were running around, aiming their black rifles at frightened residents. Rocks were being thrown as people being attacked attempted to rebel against the orders of the men dressed in white. first part is great, last sentence is clunky. i agree with zhen: people need to be the subject of the sentence here. [sidenote: do civilians generally attempt to rebel against authoritative people with guns? seems hazardous and most people are generally on the flight end of the fight or flight specturm, but eh. it works.]
My father grabbed me and pulled me behind a rusted tank as if he was trying to keep us out of sight. do you need the as if? what else would he be trying to do? i'd probably go with "... rusted tank, trying to keep us out of sight." We tried to stay as quiet as possible. A man with big black boots walked past us as we tried to stay as low to the ground as possible. two as possibles is repetitive. (note: not necessarily a bad thing, but it's as simple as saying 'as we could' instead of 'as possible' so might as well mention it haha.) We slowly rose to our feet and sneaked away from the tank. I didn't know where we were going and I hadn't bothered to ask my father. I saw a large building in the distance. Wondering why that had not been destroyed just as every house in the area had, I assumed that it would (be) our destination. Every couple of seconds, we darted behind nearby objects objects to avoid being seen.
"Stop right there!" same as above. lowercase a, unless the 'stop right there' is not what the voice is booming. if it is, it's a continuation of the sentence and you need lowercase. A voice boomed (from) behind us.
As we swiveled around, one of the men dressed in white pressed the trigger of his gun. since you used BANGs a lot before, it might be cool to stick another one here? just because repetition is a super easy literary device to work into your work, and it makes you look very prepared, like you've planned this out a lot more than is probably true (you get a ridiculously short space of time to writethis in, right?) To my horror, my father collapsed near me, clutching his chest. In an attempt to protect my father from further shots, I stood in front of him with my arms widespread. To my amazement, the man lowered his weapon. neither of these are really wrong but you've started both with 'to my [feeling]' and the english nerd in me would prefer variation. but upon rereading you might have to do quite a bit shifting those sentences around if you were to change one of those phrases, idk.
"What are you doing?" again, lowercase that t. the voice is thundering 'what are you doing?' which means it is a continuation of the sentence. Thundered a voice to my right.
As soon as this was said, my father's killer lifted his rifle once more and the sound of a gunshot echoed through my mind. mind? i get what you're trying to do but? this seemed a little off when i first read it and really hasn't improved the second time around. if it's echoing in his mind, then i'm going to need more than that for it to seem plausible. My body started to sway and my vision started to blur. The environment soon appeared to be engulfed with thick mist as I began to feel very cold. okay logistically i have nothing to say about this sentence but i feel like there are probably more sophisticated ways to phrase it? eg. "The environment soon seemed to be engulfed with thick mist, the temperature dropping inexplicably fast.' saying he began to feel cold is probably not wrong but hey, show rather than tell. you did that really well before wth the skin prickling stuff!
i'm kind of going to disagree with zhen here (sorry!), because i kind of like that you haven't described the killer? it makes it seem as if the action is to be attributed to the group rather than the individual, idk, there's something very cold about it. arguably this could be enhanced by giving him (them?) features, but i feel like that could also make it very generic. but definitely personal preference here (:
this is really good! i was quite nitpicky here because you said you wanted concrit, but please take it with a bucket of salt because i'm only in year twelve. (: good luck with your test!
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this is really good! i was quite nitpicky here because you said you wanted concrit, but please take it with a bucket of salt because i'm only in year twelve. (: good luck with your test!
Thanks so much for your time to correct my piece. Can you please explain what you mean by "if it's echoing in his mind, then i'm going to need more than that for it to seem plausible"? Going back to the narratvive structure. Was my narrative structure fine or does it need fixing?
I will continue to post my writing pieces here regurlarly so if and when you have time, just check back on this thread.
Thanks
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Ok thanks,
So if I write something like this in the real exam, do you think I would be good to go? What result do you think I would get (above average, superior, etc)? Btw, how can I practice to think of ideas quickly? Thanks
I honestly don't know what the standard is to get into Suzanne Cory by year 11 entry, since I got into Melbourne High through year 9 entry and even then I didn't really do well in the writing section. When I say to practice, I mean to write more essays and some under time conditions, so you get used to writing under pressure, which helps you get used to thinking of ideas faster.
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I honestly don't know what the standard is to get into Suzanne Cory by year 11 entry, since I got into Melbourne High through year 9 entry and even then I didn't really do well in the writing section. When I say to practice, I mean to write more essays and some under time conditions, so you get used to writing under pressure, which helps you get used to thinking of ideas faster.
Ok, I am currently writing essays in timed conditions. Hopefully one month of this will prepare me well enough to get through.
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Hey,
I have written a persuasive essay today and it would be great if you guys could correct it. I just wanted to ask, is it OK if I only write 2 arguments instead of 1?
Topic: Should Colleges be Free for Students?
College fees have always been a topic of discussion among university students and parents. Some may say that universities are too expensive while some argue that they are a reasonable price. Universities should definitely not be made free as it allows students to lay back and concentrate less on studying. Furthermore, it is not financially suitable for the government.
To begin with, permitting students to receive a university education free of cost allows students to develop a laid-back approach to learning. Students will use the excuse of "I'm not losing anything" to blame (should have used justify) for their poor efforts in learning. This will result in a negative approach being developed not only towards education but also towards many other departments of life. This will result in a very poor report after university (weird) and and many students will find that they have not learned anything from their university experience. Moreover, a free university education will negative impact the government.
In addition, free education at university level will result in a very poor outcome for the government in terms of financial situation. A great amount of money is spent every year on universities around Australia and a large amount of that is earned back (due to fees). This revenue is used to pay teaching staff and other purposes revolving the university. If all of this revenue was to be removed, all payments would have to come out of the government's pocket. This has a chain effect and will reduce the amount of money available to be spent on other things such as recreational facilities and transportation. Therefore, universities should undoubtedly not be made free as it impacts the government financially.
In summary, getting rid of university fees will allow students to not take learning seriously as they "have nothing to lose". Finally, free universities also reduces the amount of amount of money spent on other important things as the government has to fork out extra money (should be rephrased). Therefore, universities fees should unequivocally not be made free of cost.
I realised some of my errors in the structure of some of the sentences so please do let me know when you find one. I am still working on increasing the amount of content I write. This is a decent improvement from my previous essay so slowly getting there. ;D
Thanks
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I am currently at Suzanne Cory HS and for the creative writing last year we got the question "what if you were left in a room with a box that said do not open"
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Hey,
I have written a persuasive essay today and it would be great if you guys could correct it. I just wanted to ask, is it OK if I only write 2 arguments instead of 1?
Topic: Should Colleges be Free for Students?
College fees have always been a topic of discussion among university students and parents. Some may say that universities are too expensive while some argue that they are a reasonable price. Universities should definitely not be made free as it allows students to lay back and concentrate less on studying. Furthermore, it is not financially suitable for the government.
To begin with, permitting students to receive a university education free of cost I think this could be worded better allows students to develop a laid-back approach to learning. Students will use the excuse of "I'm not losing anything" to blame I think this could be made more formal and could be expressed better. Something like Students will use the lack of university fees as an excuse to justify their poor efforts in learning is still a simple sentence, but is phrased better. (should have used justify) for their poor efforts in learning. This will result in a negative approach being developed not only towards education but also towards many other departments of life. This will result in a very poor report after university (weird) I agree with you that you need to reword this and and many students will find that they have not learned anything from their university experience. Moreover, a free university education will negative impact the government. In my opinion you shouldn't end a paragraph with what you're going to say next. Instead you should reinforce the point of your paragraph.
In addition, free education at university level will result in a very poor outcome Just saying something like free university education will be detrimental to the government, as this will force them to spend substantial amounts of money on university education is better in my opinion for the government in terms of financial situation. A great amount of money is spent every year on universities around Australia and a large amount of that is earned back (due to fees). This revenue is used to pay teaching staff and other purposes revolving the university. If all of this revenue was to be removed, all payments would have to come out of the government's pocket. This has a chain effect Weird expression here and will reduce the amount of money available to be spent on other things such as recreational facilities and transportation. Therefore, universities should undoubtedly not be made free as it impacts the government financially.
I don't think either of these arguments are very strong. I'd say that the most obvious and in my opinion strongest point would be that making university education free would diminish the level of education in universities, as the money spent on lecturers/facilities would be reduced. I feel that this lack of strong arguments really hurts this essay and is what's really pulling this essay down.
In summary, getting rid of university fees will allow students to not take learning seriously This could be phrased better as they "have nothing to lose". Finally, free universities also reduces the amount of amount of money spent on other important things as the government has to fork out extra money (should be rephrased). Therefore, universities fees should unequivocally not be made free of cost.
I realised some of my errors in the structure of some of the sentences so please do let me know when you find one. I am still working on increasing the amount of content I write. This is a decent improvement from my previous essay so slowly getting there. ;D
Thanks
I agree on the places where you realised that your expression was dodgy. I feel like the main problem in this essay was the content (in my opinion) and at times the expression. Anyway keep up the good work. :)
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I agree on the places where you realised that your expression was dodgy. I feel like the main problem in this essay was the content (in my opinion) and at times the expression. Anyway keep up the good work. :)
Thanks for correcting the essay. I will post my next one tomorrow as I don't have time today (MAYBE today). Got heaps of homework. Thanks
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Hey guys,
I have been quite busy over the last few days and haven't been able to post any new essays so I have finally been able to write something. I wrote this really quickly as I am still quite busy. This has probably been one of my worse pieces but it's better than not writing at all.
Topic: Pictures of a radio, a shack and a fire.
As I sat there waiting, I noticed how great the view was. The tall skyscraper overshadowed everything around it. The Memorial Hall looked incredibly minuscule I could barely notice it. It had been almost forty-five minutes ago that I was told to wait for ten minutes. I was becoming quite nervous. The forty-five minutes had stretched on forever. I was just about to ask once more how much longer I would have to wait when I heard footsteps coming from the hallway. I started to feel butterflies in my stomach as my anticipation grew for what was about to come.
"Good morning Mr. Rhodes." greeted a man dressed in an expensive looking suit and purple tie.
"G-good morning sir. H-how are you?" I stuttered back. I tried to sound as calm and composed as possible but judging from the expression on the man's face, I hadn't made a great impression.
"Ok enough of that. Let's get to business." he quickly got things going. I had been invited to a meeting with Dr. Smith, a notable research scientist well-known for his inhumane experiments and as a global businessman. I had involuntarily been chosen to participate in an experiment designed by Dr. Smith. It was planned that I would be transported to an island situated thirty-five kilometers from the south of Adelaide and be left there for one week. According to me, this was utterly atrocious. Without my consent, I was being sent somewhere I was undoubtedly going to be murdered by animals. According to Dr. Smith (used according to twice), my participation would help scientists find out about how wild animals change behaviour in their own environment when a human is introduced. I certainly had not interest in taking part i this experiment.
"You will be provided with a radio to listen to orders from us, a shack used for shelter and equipment to make a fire." explained Dr. Smith.
"I don't want to go! I never wanted to and never will I! I don't want to be a part of your experiment you maniac! Let me out of here!" I roared in anger and frustration. I began walking out of the room and was stomping away when I felt a CRACK in my head. CLANK, I was being hit and my head started to feel numb. My vision was becoming deteriorated and was blacking out. I slowly fell forward with a thud.
Once again, this wasn't a very good piece and I just wasn't feeling it while writing. I'll make sure to write a better one next time ;D.
Thanks
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Hey guys,
I have written a persuasive essay today. I found that no one had corrected my previous piece (shack, fire and radio) so it would be great if someone also corrected that one. This was probably not a very great piece either but I continue to try and improve. Can you guys please just provide some suggestions on how to think of ideas really quickly as I continue to struggle with that. Some of the sentences in this piece are again weirdly structures so please provide an alternative, although if possible, don't worry about it. The word count continues to get better though so that's a positive. Thanks
Topic: Should money be spent on space exploration?
Billions of dollars a year are spent on space exploration. It is worth it or is it just a waste of money? Space exploration is the discovery and investigation of celestial structures in outer space. It is undoubtedly necessary to spend money on space exploration as it provides jobs for thousands of people around the world and allows for discoveries to be made that benefit humankind.
To begin with, space exploration is a field that provides jobs for many people around the world. With countries as populous as India, China, Russia and the United States of America, space exploration is a major factor in the economy. Rockets and spaceflight instruments require a large number of people to be designed and built. A vast portion of money spent on space exploration is used for salaries to pay these professionals. The community engaged in the space industry includes specialist scientists, engineers, designers and IT programmers and all of these occupations provide jobs for thousands of workers. More jobs in the space exploration field will be a major boost for a nation's recognition and wealth. Therefore, money should definitely be spent on space exploration as it is a major source of jobs.
In addition, as more money is spent on space exploration, more discoveries are made. The discoveries can then be implemented in various other fields of study such as the medical field. An example can be given using NASA, the world's leading space science and technology agency. For example, NASA has invented technologies that were later used in MRI's and even artificial heart pumps. It has been discovered that one of Saturn's moons, Titan, has enough lakes and oceans to provide residence of humans for at least thousands of years. This discovery was only possible by the money spent on space exploration. Recently, India launched the most number of satellites in a single rocket mission and that too at the cheapest cost. These technologies will allow other discoveries to be made on earth using the same technologies. Space exploration has also allowed scientists to predict the amount of time humans will be able to occupy the earth before natural causes force mankind to leave. Hence, space exploration not only allows for discoveries to be made in space but also on earth.
To sum up, money should unequivocally be spent on space exploration. First of all, space exploration provides jobs for occupations such as scientists, engineers and IT professionals. Furthermore, through space exploration (what's an alternative to use instead of space exploration?), discoveries can be made in various other fields such as medicinal purposes.
Thanks.
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Hey guys,
I have been quite busy over the last few days and haven't been able to post any new essays so I have finally been able to write something. I wrote this really quickly as I am still quite busy. This has probably been one of my worse pieces but it's better than not writing at all.
Topic: Pictures of a radio, a shack and a fire.
As I sat there waiting, I noticed how great the view was. The tall skyscraper overshadowed everything around it. The Memorial Hall looked incredibly minuscule I could barely notice it. It had been almost forty-five minutes ago that I was told to wait for ten minutes. I was becoming quite nervous. The forty-five minutes had stretched on forever. need more variation in sentence structure. i'm quite hypocritical because i unashamedly abuse the oxford comma, but this would benefit from some of that, because it honestly just doesn't flow enough.
try to vary your sentences a bit more; not necessary in a formulaic way (ie. one short sentence, one long sentence, rinse and repeat), it can be a little haphazard. but if you read this out loud, you (hopefully) will hear how sort of stilted it sounds? like, i did this. then this happened. i felt this. instead, you could maybe link two of the sentences together. for example, It had been almost forty-five minutes ago that I was told to wait for ten minutes, AND I was becoming quite nervous. that breaks up the short sentences around it and helps it flow better. the opposite of this would be making every sentence super long and that is just as bad and i do not recommend it and please do not do that because just like this one it gets very tedious to read. ;) (aka what you've done is not incorrect but creative writing is super subjective and making your writing flow better is probably a good habit to get into.) I was just about to ask once more how much longer I would have to wait when I heard footsteps coming from the hallway. I started to feel butterflies in my stomach as my anticipation grew for what was about to come.
"Good morning Mr. Rhodes." greeted a man dressed in an expensive looking suit and purple tie. grammar: "Good morning, Mr Rhodes," greeted a man dressed in an expensive looking suit and purple tie. and yes, i typed this all out solely so i could comment on the garish tie. i like that detail, it's definitely the kind of thing that would catch your eye enough to warrant an explanation. good job (:
"G-good morning sir. H-how are you?" I stuttered back. I tried to sound as calm and composed as possible but judging from the expression on the man's face, I hadn't made a great impression.
"Ok enough of that. Let's get to business." he quickly got things going. okay, so. "he quickly got things going" is not a substitute for "said" or "growled" or even "commented briskly." therefore, it is nt a part of that dialogue sentence before it. therefore, capitalise the first letter. had it been something like "said" etc, you'd be right, except that the full stop should be a comma because grammar is super weird. I had been invited to a meeting with Dr. Smith, a notable research scientist well-known for his inhumane experiments and as no as. cut the as. a global businessman. I had involuntarily been chosen to participate in an experiment designed by Dr. Smith. ethical? this is kind of super illegal omg. It was planned that I would be transported to an island situated thirty-five kilometers from the south of Adelaide and be left there for one week. According to me, this was utterly atrocious. good word. Without my consent, I was being sent somewhere I was undoubtedly going to be murdered by animals. this is kind of a thing you could probably close with an exclamation mark! i'm sure he's quite worried by the prospect.
According to Dr. Smith (used according to twice), my participation would help scientists find out about how wild animals change behaviour in their own environment when a human is introduced. you did use according to twice. want synonyms? there aren't any super easy ones but you could shake the sentence up as bit maybe? My participation would help scientists find out how animals change behaviour in their own environment when a human is introduced, Dr Smith claimed. or: My participation, he promised, would etc etc. I certainly had not interest in taking part i this experiment.
"You will be provided with a radio to listen to orders from us, a shack used for shelter and equipment to make a fire." explained Dr. Smith.
"I don't want to go! I never wanted to and never will I! I don't want to be a part of your experiment, you maniac! Let me out of here!" I roared in anger and frustration. I began walking out of the room and was stomping away when I felt a CRACK in my head. unless he's literally had his skull cracked open, you want to say I felt a CRACK on (the back of?) my head. which sounds odd kind of, so you could also say something about feeling a heavy blow connect with his skull or something. idk. either way, it works. CLANK, I was being hit and my head started to feel numb. My vision was becoming deteriorated and Iwas blacking out. I slowly fell forward with a thud. too many short sentences i think. i'd flip the last one, so, Slowly, I fell forward with a thud.
simple thing but it breaks up the short sentences with no commas.
Once again, this wasn't a very good piece and I just wasn't feeling it while writing. I'll make sure to write a better one next time ;D. i preferred your other one tbqh but this isn't bad! (: hope this wasn't too harsh btw,
i liked a lot of it: basically if i didn't mention it, it's good. good luck with your next one (:
Thanks
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Thanks for correcting my piece patriciarose. I am pleased that you like my narrative though while writing it, I could not say the same. I just wanted to ask, is the word count for the piece good enough (402 words) or do I still need to write more? Thanks.
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Hey,
I wrote a narrative piece today. I actually enjoyed writing it and felt confident with the way I wrote it. Tbh, it's probably the better ones I have written so far. It would be great if you guys could correct it. The word count is 407. The word count is currently hovering around 420 so it's slowly increasing. Also, I wrote this in approximately 15 and a half minutes. Thanks
Topic: Car with pickaxes driven into it.
I was driving home from a tireless day at work and frustration built up inside me as I had to stop at every traffic light. It was always on the days when I wanted to quickly get home that the traffic lights would stay red for longer than usual. It was as if they didn't want me to get home. While I was venting out my frustration through my usual screaming, I heard loud screeches and multiple BANGs. The screeches were that of when a car brakes suddenly. I looked through my rear view mirror and the sight horrified me. Multiple cars were driving in my direction at extreme speeds. Not far behind them were disgusting looking bodies wearing torn, white shirts and ripped pants. They had abnormally large heads and ran in an unnatural manner.
For a while I sat there, not realising that the cars and creatures were getting closer by the second. I swiveled my head into its normal position and slammed the accelerator. I was driving very wildly, not knowing where I was going. On the sides of the road, I could see the same unearthly looking animals destroying cars with pickaxes and smashing shop windows. Not far from that were burning houses and destroyed buildings. A man standing next to his car had a perplexed and terrified look on his pale face. He watched in horror as the dreadful creatures brutally murdered civilians right in front of his eyes, before his turn came up.
I tried to put the traumatic sight at the back of my mind and concentrated on driving away as quickly as possible. I myself, has close to no hope of escaping those scenes, but what was better than sitting there and being torn apart? I drove on as a sharp turn caused the wheels of the car to lose grip and the car went sliding to a stop. I quickly exited the vehicle and as I got out, a number of the terrible creatures surrounded me. Their skin looked very green and big, black, pimple-like blemishes covered their faces. They were equipped with unusually long arms with extremely long fingers. They had thick, curly hair that looked as if strong winds had ruffled it. As I took a small step to my right, one of the creatures swiped his pickaxe across my neck, unveiling a large gash. I screamed in pain as I was kicked to the ground.
Thanks for reading.
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Hey guys,
I have written a persuasive essay today. I found that no one had corrected my previous piece (shack, fire and radio) so it would be great if someone also corrected that one. This was probably not a very great piece either but I continue to try and improve. Can you guys please just provide some suggestions on how to think of ideas really quickly as I continue to struggle with that. Some of the sentences in this piece are again weirdly structures so please provide an alternative, although if possible, don't worry about it. The word count continues to get better though so that's a positive. Thanks
Topic: Should money be spent on space exploration?
Billions of dollars a year are spent on space exploration. Is it worth it or is it just a waste of money? Space exploration is the discovery and investigation of celestial structures in outer space. It is undoubtedly necessary to spend money on space exploration as it provides jobs for thousands of people around the world and allows for discoveries to be made that benefit humankind. Decent introduction of issue and arguments.
To begin with, space exploration is a field that provides jobs for many people around the world. Decent topic sentence With I feel like with normally goes into the middle of the sentence rather than the start, but that's just my opinion countries as populous as India, China, Russia and the United States of America, space exploration is a major factor in the economy. Rockets and spaceflight instruments require a large number there are heaps of better words for this like plethora/myriad/numerous/several of people to be designed and built. A vast portion of money spent on space exploration is used for salaries to pay these professionals. The community engaged in the space industry includes specialist scientists, engineers, designers and IT programmers and all of these occupations provide jobs for thousands of workers. More jobs in the space exploration field will be a major boost for a nation's recognition and wealth. Therefore, money should definitely be spent on space exploration as it is a major source of jobs. I feel like this paragraph is definitely an imrpovement from last time. :) But, overall I feel like you're kind of really stating the obvious and not supporting your argument and being persuasive, which is the main issue. For most of the paragraph you're just listing the places that are being paid by space exploration, which in my opinion doesn't make for a good persuasive argument. Instead I feel like you need to be providing evidence and exploring your pieces of evidence
In addition, as more money is spent on space exploration, more discoveries are made. The discoveries can then be implemented in various other fields of study such as the medical field. An example can be given using NASA, the world's leading space science and technology agency. The phrasing here is weird For example Repitition, NASA has invented technologies that were later used in MRI's and even artificial heart pumps. It's great that you're providing evidence, which is really the main issue with the previous paragraph which was the lack of evidence, so you couldn't really further your argument. I feel like you should really finish this point off with something like therefore space exploration will greatly assist medical research It has been discovered that one of Saturn's moons, Titan, has enough lakes and oceans to provide residence of humans for at least thousands of years. This discovery was only possible by the money spent on space exploration. Recently, India launched the most number of satellites in a single rocket mission and that too at the cheapest cost. These technologies will allow other discoveries to be made on earth using the same technologies. Space exploration has also allowed scientists to predict the amount of time humans will be able to occupy the earth before natural causes force mankind to leave. Again good use of examples and evidence, but really expand upon what's so great about each of these examples. Alternatively you could cut out some of your worse pieces of evidence and really talk about certain pieces of evidence you provide Hence, space exploration not only allows for discoveries to be made in space but also on earth.
To sum up, money should unequivocally be spent on space exploration. First of all, space exploration provides jobs for occupations such as scientists, engineers and IT professionals. Furthermore, through space exploration (what's an alternative to use instead of space exploration?), discoveries can be made in various other fields such as medicinal purposes.
Thanks.
A couple of things overall that I'd like to see more
-Providing evidence in every body paragraph
-Explaining what these pieces of evidence show and how it really benefits people
I think you've improved from the last piece so good job overall. ;D Sorry my feedback isn't as indepth as before. It's just that I have heaps of homework and SACs coming up.
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Hey,
I wrote a narrative piece today. I actually enjoyed writing it and felt confident with the way I wrote it. Tbh, it's probably the better ones I have written so far. It would be great if you guys could correct it. The word count is 407. The word count is currently hovering around 420 so it's slowly increasing. Also, I wrote this in approximately 15 and a half minutes. Thanks
Topic: Car with pickaxes driven into it.
I was driving home from a tireless day at work and frustration built up inside me as I had to stop at every traffic light. I feel like to step your essay up to the next level, you need to show more and tell less. For example instead of saying that it was a tireless day of work, you could show it by stating that beads of sweat were running down his face/panting heavily. Also you could show his frustration by describing him smashing his arms against the dashboard. This is really difficult to do under these strict time conditions, but if you can pull it off, it'd be great It was always on the days when I wanted to quickly get home that the traffic lights would stay red for longer than usual. It was as if they didn't want me to get home. While I was venting out my frustration through my usual screaming, I heard loud screeches and multiple BANGs. The screeches were that of when a car brakes suddenly. I feel like I heard the screeches of tires as a car veered suddenly to a stop would be better I looked through my rear view mirror and the sight horrified me. Multiple cars were driving in my direction at extreme speeds A simple but better description in my opinion better description could be several cars were rushing towards me, with their engines howling violently . Not far behind them were disgusting looking bodies wearing torn, white shirts and ripped pants. They had abnormally large heads and ran in an unnatural manner. Good description here
For a while I sat there, not realising that the cars and creatures were getting closer by the second. I swiveled my head into its normal position and slammed the accelerator. I was driving very There is no problem with this, but it just sounds weird in my opinion wildly, not knowing where I was going. On the sides of the road, I could see the same unearthly looking animals destroying cars with pickaxes and smashing shop windows. Not far from that were burning houses and destroyed buildings. A man standing next to his car had a perplexed and terrified look on his pale face. He watched in horror as the dreadful creatures brutally murdered civilians right in front of his eyes Great descriptive language used , before his turn came up. I feel like this could be phrased better
I tried to put the traumatic sight at the back of my mind and concentrated on driving away as quickly as possible. I myself This just sounds weird. I would just drop the myself, has This is present tense, whereas the whole thing is in past tense. You need to keep constant with your tenses close to no hope of escaping those scenes, but what was better than sitting there and being torn apart? I drove on as a sharp turn caused the wheels of the car to lose grip and the car went sliding to a stop. I quickly exited I feel like more descriptive language could be used. Something like I sprinted/rushed out of my vehicle would be better in my opinion the vehicle and as I got out, a number of the terrible creatures surrounded me. Their skin looked very green and big, black, pimple-like I don't really like this description. It seems informal, but it's creative so it might not matter blemishes covered their faces. They were equipped with unusually long arms with extremely long fingers. They had thick, curly hair that looked as if strong winds had ruffled it. As I took a small step to my right, one of the creatures swiped his pickaxe across my neck, unveiling a large gash. I screamed in pain as I was kicked to the ground. Great description
Thanks for reading.
Again an amazing creative. I feel like you're really good at writing creatives. It's pretty amazing that you wrote this in fifteen and a half minutes. I'm just wondering if you've addressed the prompt, since I don't think you've mentioned the scene with a pickaxe in a car. It might just be me not paying attention. Anyway awesome job! :)
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Again an amazing creative. I feel like you're really good at writing creatives. It's pretty amazing that you wrote this in fifteen and a half minutes. I'm just wondering if you've addressed the prompt, since I don't think you've mentioned the scene with a pickaxe in a car. It might just be me not paying attention. Anyway awesome job! :)
Thanks so much zhen for taking the time to correct my pieces. Thanks for the compliments as well. I'm pretty sure I did answer the prompt but it wasn't a big part of the narrative so you may have missed it. Is the word count fine or do I need to write more? Also, would this quality of writing be good enough to get me a good result in the exam for year 11 entry?
Thanks
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Thanks so much zhen for taking the time to correct my pieces. Thanks for the compliments as well. I'm pretty sure I did answer the prompt but it wasn't a big part of the narrative so you may have missed it. Is the word count fine or do I need to write more? Also, would this quality of writing be good enough to get me a good result in the exam for year 11 entry?
Thanks
I don't think you need to write more. I think 400 words is fine for 15 minutes. I don't know the quality needed for a good result, since I haven't sat the suzanne cory entrance exam for year 11 entrance, but I feel that your creative writing is really good for something with that time condition and just needs a few touch ups to really nail the entrance exam. On the other hand, I feel like your persuasive writing still needs quite a bit of work, but it's slowly getting better.
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I don't think you need to write more. I think 400 words is fine for 15 minutes. I don't know the quality needed for a good result, since I haven't sat the suzanne cory entrance exam for year 11 entrance, but I feel that your creative writing is really good for something with that time condition and just needs a few touch ups to really nail the entrance exam. On the other hand, I feel like your persuasive writing still needs quite a bit of work, but it's slowly getting better.
Ok thanks,
I might write a persuasive now so I'll see you later and if you have time maybe today or tomorrow, feel free to have a read. Slowly trying to improve everyday heh.
Cheers
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Hey zhen,
I just wanted to ask is it possible to write a persuasive piece with 2 main arguments but have them opposing each other? For example, for space exploration, is it possible that I write about the positive impact it has on other fields of study AND in the second argument write about how the money should be sent to get rid of poverty instead or something?
Thanks
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Hey zhen,
I just wanted to ask is it possible to write a persuasive piece with 2 main arguments but have them opposing each other? For example, for space exploration, is it possible that I write about the positive impact it has on other fields of study AND in the second argument write about how the money should be sent to get rid of poverty instead or something?
Thanks
In persuasive it's not good to contradict yourself unless you rebut the argument. Everything in your persuasive essay should support your main contention.
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Hey guys,
Today's piece is a persuasive essay. I am trying to be more consistent on writing a piece every day or two days but exams and school take up heaps of time. Again, just not a great piece and I definitely believe that this doesn't demonstrate my capability. I just don't know why I write what I do and I know that I can surely write something a lot better lol. ::)
Hopefully next one in a lot better. ;D I just wanted to ask, what are some great alternatives for 'firstly, secondly and thirdly'? Thanks
Topic: Should athletes who dope have to forfeit all medals and titles?
Throughout the decades, athletes have been caught doping. Doping means to participate in an athletic activity under the influence of illicit substances. These substances are defined as anything that alters the way the body functions. The consumption of illicit substances creates an unlevel playing field for players, and therefore limits the entertainment of spectators. Drugs have a negative impact on athletes' health and long-term life and due to performance enhancing drugs, athletes are not seen as great role models.
To begin with, athletes who are under the influence of illicit substances gain an edge over athletes who have not consumed drugs. Consuming drugs alters the way the body works. This can be in such a way that sportspeople can enhance their strength, agility and endurance. This allows athletes under the influence of drugs to compete with greater ability and they overpower others. Due to an unlevel playing field, entertainment for spectators is greatly reduced. Not many people like to watch a sporting event and see their favourite players get mauled by opposition. This in turn, reduces income for the sport and has an impact on the growth and development of athletic events. Therefore, due to the unfair playing surface created by illicit substances, players who dope should have to forfeit their medals and titles.
In addition, the consumption of performance enhancing drugs presents great health risks to athletes. It is undoubted that the long-term health issues would rather be avoided than acquiring the short-lived rewards. Drug consumption alters the body's functionality and changes mechanisms in the body. This presents the athletes with consequences such as heart diseases, tumors and cancers. Hence, athletes who consume drugs should be stripped of their medals and titles.
Finally, athletes are seen as great role models for children aspiring to become future sports stars. Seeing their sporting idol consuming performance enhancing drugs will influence them to follow in their footsteps. Sport stars should rather influence children to compete with respect for the opposition and participate with utmost sportsmanship. Thus, athletes who perform under the influence of drugs should be disqualified from acquiring a medals and titles.
In conclusion, athletes should unequivocally be stripped of all titles and medals if found guilty of competing under the influence of drugs. Drugs create an unfair playing ground and gives athletes an advantage over others. Entertainment is greatly reduced for spectators and drug abusing athletes are not great role models for children and future stars.
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Hey guys,
Today, I wrote a narrative. To say the least, it's far from satisfactory. I think the first few sentences were semi-decent but I have no idea what happened to the rest. I was going very well on time, but while writing, I jut couldn't generate ideas. Especially trying to think about how I could have ended the piece. The ending was extremely rushed.
I have also noticed that no one had corrected my last piece, so it would be greatly appreciated that someone read it if you have time, even if it's only very briefly ;D. Some comments are better than none I guess :o.
Thanks so much so far by taking the time to read the essays and correcting, I can't explain how helpful it is. :)
Topic: The gaming convention was full of people and there was a terrorist threat.
As I unenthusiastically walked through the large, glass door of the gaming convention, I was suddenly surrounded by a buzzing aura. Tens and hundreds of screams filled the room with very passionate and eager gamers (who) sat with their eyes glued to the flashing screens. I (A) wide smile grew on my face as I noticed the variety of games that were being played. My smile soon turned into a grin when I was asked to participate in a competition.
"I would love to!" I responded eagerly.
I was meeting people I had never seen before and they all greeted me as if I was their close friend. As I sat myself down on the large yet very comfortable chair, I was quickly handed a controller. I continued to stair (stare) in awe of the large number of people that had come to this place. Their I was at home, sitting lonely thinking my life was complete. I was waiting ardently for my opponents to arrive and I still hadn't found out what game I was about to immerse myself into.
As I sat there, with my eyes darting around frantically across the screen, a number of terrified screams filled the air. I swiveled in my chair full of fright as I tried to spot the culprits of the noise. A large noise boomed from above me and the majority of people quietened to listen.
"There has been a difficulty! It is advised that everyone evacuate this building immediately!" echoed the loud man through the speakers.
An eerie silence filled the room an within seconds, everyone was yelling and screaming once again. I took a while for me to absorb the instructions that I had received and I followed the crowd who panickingly (is that a word) left everything they were doing and made their way for the exits. Some stumbled while others fell, facing the consequence of being trampled on. As we reached the exits of the building, loud BANGs were heard. Screams got louder as people began looking for their dear friends and family. BANG!
An explosion from within the building left many people in shock. BANG! Shrapnel flew around as I was torn apart by the power of the blast.
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Hey guys,
Today, I wrote a narrative. To say the least, it's far from satisfactory. I think the first few sentences were semi-decent but I have no idea what happened to the rest. I was going very well on time, but while writing, I jut couldn't generate ideas. Especially trying to think about how I could have ended the piece. The ending was extremely rushed.
I have also noticed that no one had corrected my last piece, so it would be greatly appreciated that someone read it if you have time, even if it's only very briefly ;D. Some comments are better than none I guess :o.
Thanks so much so far by taking the time to read the essays and correcting, I can't explain how helpful it is. :)
Topic: The gaming convention was full of people and there was a terrorist threat.
As I unenthusiastically Judging by the next couple of sentence, he would be enthusiastic walked through the large, glass door of the gaming convention, I was suddenly surrounded by a buzzing aura. Tens and Hundreds of screams filled the room with very passionate and eager gamers (who) sat with their eyes glued to the flashing screens. I (A) wide smile grew on my face as I noticed the variety of games that were being played. My smile soon turned into a grin when I was asked to participate in a competition.
"I would love to!" I responded eagerly. You should show more rather than telling. You can talk about his heart beating quicker/him responding quickly to show his enthusiasm
I was meeting people I had never seen before and they all greeted me as if I was their close friend. As I sat myself down on the large yet very comfortable chair, I was quickly handed a controller. I continued to stair (stare) in awe of the large number of people that had come to this place. Their There I was at home, sitting lonely thinking my life was complete. I was waiting ardently for my opponents to arrive and I still hadn't found out what game I was about to immerse myself into. This is pretty mediocre compared to your other works. I feel like your description in your past creatives were way better. You should describe the flashing lights, the thundering sounds of the games echoing throughout the room and your rapid heart beat. These are some alternative descriptions you could provide.
As I sat there, with my eyes darting around frantically across the screen, a number of terrified screams filled the air. I swiveled in my chair full of fright as I tried to spot the culprits source of the noise. A large noise boomed from above me and the majority of people quietened to listen. Decent description here
"There has been a difficulty dodgy word choice here! It is advised that everyone evacuate this building immediately!" echoed the loud man through the speakers.
An eerie silence filled the room an within seconds, everyone was yelling and screaming once again. It took a while for me to absorb I don't think absorb is the right word to use here the instructions that I had received and I followed the crowd who panickingly (is that a word) left everything they were doing and made their way for the exits. Some stumbled while others fell, facing the consequence of being trampled on. I feel like you could provide a better description here. You could talk about everyone frantically scrambling for the exit, shoving their way past others. As we reached the exits of the building, loud BANGs were heard. Screams got louder as people began looking for their dear friends and family. BANG!
An explosion from within the building left many people in shock. BANG! Shrapnel flew around as I was torn apart by the power of the blast.
I feel like this is the worst creative you have submitted that I have looked at so far. The plot just isn't really captivating the the descriptions are a lot worse than your previous pieces, which is a testament to your usual high quality creatives. Anyway the prompt was probably not for you, so just keep working hard and you'll improve. :) I'll correct your persuasive later. I corrected your creative first because I thought that it would be more interesting to read.
Edit: I realised that these comments were a bit negative, but that's just because I felt like it's not as good as your previous creatives and that it doesn't really show your true level of writing (from what I've seen).
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I feel like this is the worst creative you have submitted that I have looked at so far. The plot just isn't really captivating the the descriptions are a lot worse than your previous pieces, which is a testament to your usual high quality creatives. Anyway the prompt was probably not for you, so just keep working hard and you'll improve. :) I'll correct your persuasive later. I corrected your creative first because I thought that it would be more interesting to read.
Edit: I realised that these comments were a bit negative, but that's just because I felt like it's not as good as your previous creatives and that it doesn't really show your true level of writing (from what I've seen).
Thanks zhen for correcting the piece. I just really love the way you are so straightforward of what your point is. Not offensive to me at all. In fact, I would rather have someone more critical and negative than someone who tried to hide all of my errors ;D.
Like I said, far from satisfactory piece of writing. I really don't know what happened and yes you are right, the prompt really wasn't for me. I guess I will need to be able to write something even if I don't like the prompt as I may get something like that in the real exam :-\.
I also have school exams next week and because of the homework load, I haven't been able to write anything today, which really is a shame. :'(
I'll try my best to write tomorrow so I'll see you then and I look forward to your correction of my persuasive. Thanks a lot. :)
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Lol im Y9 and the MHS test is also 15m writing so :
TOPIC: Should High School Be Mandatory
High school poses as a difficult part of teenage life. The question that strikes everyone is whether or not high school should be mandatory. Well, just because something is hard doesn't mean the correct thing to do is to avoid it. In fact avoidance of difficult things is a sign of weakness. So it is definitely a logical choice to make high school compulsory for everyone. Regardless of how large of a wall high school builds for you, breaking it down will always prove as a significant event in your life/ High school grants you stronger education and friends. So there is no reason to be pessimistic about it.
Education is of utmost importance, and High school provides as a chance to strengthen you academic foundations. If it wasn't mandatory, the people who willingly ( and smartly) go will have a sky high advantage of those who choose to stray from the advantageous and most definitely more advisable path. The importance of High School in human advancement ( I dont know wtf I was thinking lol ) in education makes the essentialness(It says this words an error?) of High school significant.
Having friends proves useful in the later years of life. Research shows that friends from high school tend to bond closer than that of primary. Maybe this is because of all the hard times that friends endure through in high school. The friends that you gain at high school makes it wise to make it mandatory.
Those who disagree are usually those who are afraid to endure hardships. The will come up with all types of excuses to avoid |DAMN I RAN OUT OF TIME| 15 min is up
yeh ik its bad i didnt even finish... meh ill try improve as well good luck GALACTICPROCESS
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Hey guys,
Today's piece is a persuasive essay. I am trying to be more consistent on writing a piece every day or two days but exams and school take up heaps of time. Again, just not a great piece and I definitely believe that this doesn't demonstrate my capability. I just don't know why I write what I do and I know that I can surely write something a lot better lol. ::)
Hopefully next one in a lot better. ;D I just wanted to ask, what are some great alternatives for 'firstly, secondly and thirdly'? Thanks
Topic: Should athletes who dope have to forfeit all medals and titles?
Throughout the decades, athletes have been caught doping. Doping means to participate in an athletic activity under the influence of illicit substances. These substances are defined as anything that alters the way the body functions. The consumption of illicit substances creates an unlevel playing field for players, and therefore limits the entertainment of spectators. Drugs have a negative impact on athletes' health and long-term life and due to performance enhancing drugs, athletes are not seen as great role models. Probably one of the most solid introductions that I've seen from you. :)
To begin with, athletes who are under the influence of illicit substances gain an edge unfair advantage would be better over athletes who have not consumed drugs. Consuming drugs alters the way the body works. This can be in such a way that dodgy phrasing here sportspeople can enhance their strength, agility and endurance. This allows athletes under the influence of drugs to compete with greater ability and they overpower others Could be phrased better. Due to an unlevel playing field, entertainment for spectators is greatly reduced. Not many people like to Could be made more concise. Something like people will not enjoy watching... watch a sporting event and see their favourite players get mauled by opposition. This in turn, reduces income for the sport and has an impact on the growth and development of athletic events. Therefore, due to the unfair playing surface created by illicit substances, players who dope should have to forfeit their medals and titles. This is a decent paragraph, but I feel like emphasising the unfair advantage sportpeople get when doping could really enhance your argument.
In addition, the consumption of performance enhancing drugs presents great health risks to athletes. It is undoubted that the long-term health issues would rather be avoided than acquiring the short-lived rewards. Drug consumption alters the body's functionality and changes mechanisms in the body. This presents the athletes with consequences such as heart diseases, tumors and cancers. Really solid body paragraph. But I feel that the last sentence doesn't really connect everything together. Hence, athletes who consume drugs should be stripped of their medals and titles. I feel like you should wrap this up with something like athletes should be stripped of their medals as it will reduce the number of athletes that consume these drugs, thus preventing future athletes from facing these detrimental side effects.
Finally, athletes are seen as great role models for children aspiring to become future sports stars. Seeing their sporting idol consuming performance enhancing drugs will influence them to follow in their footsteps. Sport stars should rather influence children to compete with respect for the opposition and participate with utmost sportsmanship. Thus, athletes who perform under the influence of drugs should be disqualified from acquiring a medals and titles. Another good paragraph, but I feel like you should emphasise that athletes will influence children to cheat/play unfairly/deceive, which is something that we don't want to influence children negatively. I feel like this point needs to highlighted more.
In conclusion, athletes should unequivocally be stripped of all titles and medals if found guilty of competing under the influence of drugs. Drugs create an unfair playing ground and gives athletes an advantage over others. Entertainment is greatly reduced for spectators and drug abusing athletes are not great role models for children and future stars. Good solid conclusion that sums up your points well.
I feel like this is one of your better persuasive pieces, but their are still some things to fix. I feel like at times you're beating around the bush, since you kind of wonder off a bit and don't really nail your main points in. But, overall it was a pretty good essay. Good job! :)
I'm probably not going to correct many of your essays for the next 3 weeks, since I have SAC week soon. I just stopped to correct your essay because I'm relaxing after screwing up a specialist SAC.
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I feel like this is one of your better persuasive pieces, but their are still some things to fix. I feel like at times you're beating around the bush, since you kind of wonder off a bit and don't really nail your main points in. But, overall it was a pretty good essay. Good job! :)
I'm probably not going to correct many of your essays for the next 3 weeks, since I have SAC week soon. I just stopped to correct your essay because I'm relaxing after screwing up a specialist SAC.
Aren't MHS SACs known to be some of the hardest out there? I doubt you screwed anything up too badly! Especially since MHS sacs scale up a lot.
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Aren't MHS SACs known to be some of the hardest out there? I doubt you screwed anything up too badly! Especially since MHS sacs scale up a lot.
It wasn't a complete disaster, but I felt like I could have done a lot better. Right now I'm sitting on an A at my school, which I don't think scales enough for me to get 40+ specialist, which is the real problem. So, I'll try to do better next time. Also, do you have any tips and tricks for getting high in methods, since you got 45, which is a score I'd die to have.
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It wasn't a complete disaster, but I felt like I could have done a lot better. Right now I'm sitting on an A at my school, which I don't think scales enough for me to get 40+ specialist, which is the real problem. So, I'll try to do better next time. Also, do you have any tips and tricks for getting high in methods, since you got 45, which is a score I'd die to have.
Yeah you're still definitely in the run for a 40+ in spesh. Your A has a high chance of scaling to A+...it's Melbourne High and I heard their sacs are quite hard. It still does mean you have to work hard though!
Methods is just a matter of mitigating mistakes and exposing yourself to enough problems so that you can think on your feet. Make sure you know your calculator well and pay attention to every line of working so you don't make silly errors. I don't believe there's a special formula to doing well
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Yeah you're still definitely in the run for a 40+ in spesh. Your A has a high chance of scaling to A+...it's Melbourne High and I heard their sacs are quite hard. It still does mean you have to work hard though!
Methods is just a matter of mitigating mistakes and exposing yourself to enough problems so that you can think on your feet. Make sure you know your calculator well and pay attention to every line of working so you don't make silly errors. I don't believe there's a special formula to doing well
Yea, I think that minimising silly mistakes will be the biggest problem for me, but i've been trying to neaten up my handwriting and underline the key parts of questions in an attempt to fix this problem. But, in tests, my handwriting just turns really messy and I forget to underline these key parts of a question. I guess I just need to get into the habit of doing this under test conditions.
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Yea, I think that minimising silly mistakes will be the biggest problem for me, but i've been trying to neaten up my handwriting and underline the key parts of questions in an attempt to fix this problem. But, in tests, my handwriting just turns really messy and I forget to underline these key parts of a question. I guess I just need to get into the habit of doing this under test conditions.
I found that sometimes the lines on the exams are too small, there is no problem with writing as big as you want. Overall, you have to find what works best for you. For me personally, I check after each question whether I answered the question but I don't underline/highlight since I can't comprehend things as well that way.
This is why practice exams are so important. I have found specialist quite a step above Methods and I also was disappointed with my first sac so far. It's quite normal to make mistakes in harder subjects.
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Hey everyone,
I just about managed to squeeze in a essay for today :o. I have my first exam tomorrow, IT ;D. Need to continue to study for a little while longer. I think today's piece was not too bad. Maybe the first argument, in my opinion, wasn't overly strong but I felt it would do. I just wanted to clarify, if I write two arguments, can my second one be a rebuttal paragraph or is that only suitable if I write three arguments? Can someone also please list some alternatives for firstly, secondly, thirdly and in conclusion? Thanks a lot so far to everyone who has contributed to this thread and also to my progression in writing essays. It has been heavily appreciated. ;D
Just a quick statement: My word count has improved significantly over the last few weeks so props to everyone who helped to make this happen. 8)
This essay was 335 words, is that a bit low or is it fine?
After reading the topic for the first time, I was quite confused about what my points could be, but after contemplating for a few seconds, I was good to go.
Topic: Should boys and girls be in separate classes?
In today's society, the majority of schools follow the co-educational trend in which boys and girls are taught the same class. Some schools however, operate on a system in which boys and girls are educated in separate classrooms. Educating boys and girls separately will allow students to become free of the distractions associated with the opposite gender and while some argue that it will prohibit students from socialising, it can be contradicted by the argument that socialising can be done outside of class. (I think the last sentence could be separated into two. idk maybe)
To begin with, boys and girls are very easily distracted by the opposite gender. Getting into relationships at an early age is very common in the society of the modern age. This distracts students as they are more worried about how they look and how attractive they are to the opposite gender than their education. Learning in a separate environment also allows students to discuss ideas common to their gender. This will prevent awkward instances where a student is afraid to speak up because they fear embarrassment from the opposite sex. Therefore, because of a distraction prone environment, boys and girls should be educated separately. (I think the last part was a bit off topic)
In addition, it can be argued that a separate gender classroom prevents a social interaction between genders. In contradiction to that, students have a surplus amount of time to socialise with the opposite gender outside of class time. This can be at recess, lunch or even after school. A classroom is a place of education and over socialising restricts the level of education one can receive. To maximise productivity of class time, the genders should be separated into different classrooms. Consequently, the argument that a single sex classroom prevents socialising can be disputed by the fact that socialisation and interaction can occur anywhere and anytime out of the classroom.
In conclusion, boys and girls should unequivocally be separated into different classrooms. Distractions involving the opposite genders will be eliminated by a single sex classroom environment. Finally, socialisation between the genders can occur elsewhere other than the classroom.
Thanks!
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lol good one
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dude u use unequivocally in every sentence i dunno maybe use some synonyms:http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/%20unequivocally?s=t
dont worry though lol bcos the examiners don't care. What happens if a boy is gay (off topic lol). Also I dont think the word socialise is used only for interactions between boys and girls.But im in y8 so i may be wrong
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Hello!
Well alternatives for first, secondly thirdly are additionally (in addition to), furthermore, finally, ultimately, to begin with, consequently, moreover.
For conclusion you can say 'in conclusion' and therefore.
:)
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dude u use unequivocally in every sentence i dunno maybe use some synonyms:http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/%20unequivocally?s=t
dont worry though lol bcos the examiners don't care. What happens if a boy is gay (off topic lol). Also I dont think the word socialise is used only for interactions between boys and girls.But im in y8 so i may be wrong
Hey Jack,
I agree with you when you say that I use unequivocally a lot but my theory is that the examiners will only read ONE of my persuasive pieces. Therefore, they don't know that I use unequivocally a lot, unless I use it multiple times in one piece of course.
When you say "what if a boy is gay?"... I think the point of every persuasive is to convey your side of the argument and convince the reader that you are correct. Every argument has an equally opposite argument and if you begin listing them all, you'll be writing forever. When writing a persuasive, it's not ideal to write arguments such as what you have said. This is because I believe that argument is not very strong and if you were to argue it, you wouldn't have much to write. Do you get what I mean?
I think when I say socialise I mean that the interactions between a boy and girl are a form of socialising. I don't know if I make sense lol.
Thanks for reading btw.
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GOOD POINT AND LEARNING POINT (FOR ME) ANYWAYS GOOD LUCK!! :)
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GOOD POINT AND LEARNING POINT (FOR ME) ANYWAYS GOOD LUCK!! :)
Cheers mate!
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Hey everyone!
Here comes probably one of my worst creatives. Please don't let that be a barrier stopping you from reading it though ;D.
I had 48 seconds left by the time I finished and couldn't be bothered reading over it as it's 11:30pm. Need to sleep lol. Quite late for me as I usually sleep at around 10-10:30 (unless I have a lot of work). This piece was quite short and I am not sure if the word count is enough. (Only 302 words... :( )
I just wanted to ask... How do some people write so many words just based on one scene? I can't seem to do it. It feels as if I ramble on about the same thing multiple times. If anyone has any tips, please let me know as it would be greatly appreciated.
Topic: Picture of duck jumping into water
As the clouds moved away, the sunlight illuminated the evening sky. The sun shone on the water and the river looked so pure and refreshing. A tingle shot up my spine as the thought of jumping into the water flashed across my mind. Countless hours I had spent watching the other ducks leaping delightfully into the sparkling water had made me more and more eager to jump. The wooden boards beneath my feet creaked as I shuffled my feet in excitement. I watched ardently as my fellow ducks plunged into the water. They made several quacks, signalling for me to join them.
I slowly took a few steps back to create some momentum for my jump. Shivers were sent down my body as I felt small prickling sensations on my thick feathers. A sense of peace and tranquility filled the environment as I absorbed the refreshing atmosphere. My companions stared keenly as they got ready to witness my first jump. As I took my first steps towards the edge of the wooden structure, a small piece of wood gave way to my feet. My small legs pierced the gap and my body followed, creating a larger gap. The other ducks quacked in panic as the sight of my failure worried them. A sense of displeasure and disappointment filled me but it was soon turned back into excitement. My thin, webbed feet quickly entered the water, at first shocking me. Slowly this shock turned into a wave of relief as I had finally been able to do what I had so keenly waited for. A number of lively quacks filled the air and I was suddenly surrounded by a number of very excited ducks.
I watched in exhilaration as my fellow ducks flapped their wings in pure joy. This is what family was.
Thanks
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Hey everyone!
Here comes probably one of my worst creatives. Please don't let that be a barrier stopping you from reading it though ;D.
I had 48 seconds left by the time I finished and couldn't be bothered reading over it as it's 11:30pm. Need to sleep lol. Quite late for me as I usually sleep at around 10-10:30 (unless I have a lot of work). This piece was quite short and I am not sure if the word count is enough. (Only 302 words... :( )
I just wanted to ask... How do some people write so many words just based on one scene? I can't seem to do it. It feels as if I ramble on about the same thing multiple times. If anyone has any tips, please let me know as it would be greatly appreciated.
Topic: Picture of duck jumping into water
As the clouds moved away, the sunlight illuminated the evening lol if its evening, there's no sunlight? Maybe afternoon would be a better choice of wordssky. The sun shone on the water and the river looked so pure and refreshing. A tingle (slight pricking or stinging sensation?) shot up my spine as the thought of jumping into the water flashed across my mind. Countless hours I had spent watching the other ducks leaping delightfully into the sparkling water had made me more and more eager to jump. The wooden boards beneath my feet creaked as I shuffled my feet in excitement. I watched ardently as my fellow ducks plunged into the water. They made several quacks(Maybe say they quacked several times?), signalling for me to join them.
I slowly took a few steps back to create some momentum for my jump. Shivers were sent down my body as I felt small prickling sensations on my thick feathers. A sense of peace and tranquility filled the environment as I absorbed the refreshing atmosphere. My companions stared keenly as they got ready to witness my first jump. As I took my first steps towards the edge of the wooden structure, a small piece of wood gave way to my feet. My small legs pierced the gap and my body followed, creating a larger gap. The other ducks quacked in panic as the sight of my failure worried them. A sense of displeasure and disappointment filled me but it was soon turned back into excitement. My thin, webbed feet quickly entered the water, at first shocking me. Slowly this shock turned into a wave of relief as I had finally been able to do what I had so keenly waited for. A number of lively quacks filled the air and I was suddenly surrounded by a number of very excited ducks.
I watched in exhilaration as my fellow ducks flapped their wings in pure joy. This is what family was.
Thanks
:) GOOD LUCK!! ;D
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Hey everyone,
I just about managed to squeeze in a essay for today :o. I have my first exam tomorrow, IT ;D. Need to continue to study for a little while longer. I think today's piece was not too bad. Maybe the first argument, in my opinion, wasn't overly strong but I felt it would do. I just wanted to clarify, if I write two arguments, can my second one be a rebuttal paragraph or is that only suitable if I write three arguments? Can someone also please list some alternatives for firstly, secondly, thirdly and in conclusion? Thanks a lot so far to everyone who has contributed to this thread and also to my progression in writing essays. It has been heavily appreciated. ;D
Just a quick statement: My word count has improved significantly over the last few weeks so props to everyone who helped to make this happen. 8)
This essay was 335 words, is that a bit low or is it fine?
After reading the topic for the first time, I was quite confused about what my points could be, but after contemplating for a few seconds, I was good to go.
Topic: Should boys and girls be in separate classes?
In today's society, the majority of schools follow the co-educational trend in which boys and girls are taught the same class. Some schools however, operate on a system in which boys and girls are educated in separate classrooms. Educating boys and girls separately will allow students to become free of the distractions associated with the opposite gender and while some argue that it will prohibit students from socialising, it can be contradicted by the argument that socialising can be done outside of class. (I think the last sentence could be separated into two. idk maybe)
To begin with, boys and girls are very easily distracted by the opposite gender. Getting into relationships at an early age is very common in the society of the modern age. This distracts students as they are more worried about how they look and how attractive they are to the opposite gender than their education. Learning in a separate environment also allows students to discuss ideas common to their gender. This will prevent awkward instances where a student is afraid to speak up because they fear embarrassment from the opposite sex. Therefore, because of a distraction prone environment, boys and girls should be educated separately. (I think the last part was a bit off topic)
In addition, it can be argued that a separate gender classroom prevents a social interaction between genders. In contradiction to that, students have a surplus amount of time to socialise with the opposite gender outside of class time. This can be at recess, lunch or even after school. A classroom is a place of education and over socialising restricts the level of education one can receive. To maximise productivity of class time, the genders should be separated into different classrooms. Consequently, the argument that a single sex classroom prevents socialising can be disputed by the fact that socialisation and interaction can occur anywhere and anytime out of the classroom.
In conclusion, boys and girls should unequivocally be separated into different classrooms. Distractions involving the opposite genders will be eliminated by a single sex classroom environment. Finally, socialisation between the genders can occur elsewhere other than the classroom.
Thanks!
Positives
-This is in my opinion one of the best essays you've written
-Expression is pretty decent
Arguments are pretty solid
Negatives
-Expression is sometimes not ideal. This would be an example "This will prevent awkward instances where a student is afraid to speak up because they fear embarrassment from the opposite sex."
-Other than that I'd say that anything else would be too nitpicky and I don't have enough time to pick them out
Overall amazing essay ;D. You've improved so much from the first time I've read your persuasive essays. :) Also, in my opinion I wouldn't have a rebuttal for a 2 body para essay, since then you don't have enough arguments. But, I don't think they'll care too much and if your rebuttal is as solid as this one then it might be better if you can't think of good arguments. Sorry I couldn't give a more in depth correction. I'm really busy right now.
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Hey everyone!
Here comes probably one of my worst creatives. Please don't let that be a barrier stopping you from reading it though ;D.
I had 48 seconds left by the time I finished and couldn't be bothered reading over it as it's 11:30pm. Need to sleep lol. Quite late for me as I usually sleep at around 10-10:30 (unless I have a lot of work). This piece was quite short and I am not sure if the word count is enough. (Only 302 words... :( )
I just wanted to ask... How do some people write so many words just based on one scene? I can't seem to do it. It feels as if I ramble on about the same thing multiple times. If anyone has any tips, please let me know as it would be greatly appreciated.
Topic: Picture of duck jumping into water
As the clouds moved away, the sunlight illuminated the evening sky. The sun shone on the water and the river looked so pure and refreshing. A tingle shot up my spine as the thought of jumping into the water flashed across my mind. Countless hours I had spent watching the other ducks leaping delightfully into the sparkling water had made me more and more eager to jump. The wooden boards beneath my feet creaked as I shuffled my feet in excitement. I watched ardently as my fellow ducks plunged into the water. They made several quacks, signalling for me to join them.
I slowly took a few steps back to create some momentum for my jump. Shivers were sent down my body as I felt small prickling sensations on my thick feathers. A sense of peace and tranquility filled the environment as I absorbed the refreshing atmosphere. My companions stared keenly as they got ready to witness my first jump. As I took my first steps towards the edge of the wooden structure, a small piece of wood gave way to my feet. My small legs pierced the gap and my body followed, creating a larger gap. The other ducks quacked in panic as the sight of my failure worried them. A sense of displeasure and disappointment filled me but it was soon turned back into excitement. My thin, webbed feet quickly entered the water, at first shocking me. Slowly this shock turned into a wave of relief as I had finally been able to do what I had so keenly waited for. A number of lively quacks filled the air and I was suddenly surrounded by a number of very excited ducks.
I watched in exhilaration as my fellow ducks flapped their wings in pure joy. This is what family was.
Thanks
Overall great creative. Honestly I think your creatives are amazing given the time limit. ;D The only flaw I'd say is that this type of piece really needs eloquent and descriptive language, which you've done pretty well, but it could be improved. It's really difficult to improve your expression, but you could improve your description by describing as much of your senses as possible. Like what do you see, feel, smell and hear. This answers you question above about how to write alot on one scene. Also, I was wondering when your entrance exam is, since I think the year 9 entry one is in a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure about yours.
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The Year 9 one is on the 17th of June and I believe the Year 10 one is 14th. Year 11 should be sometime before that, so i'd say its within one weeks time.
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Overall great creative. Honestly I think your creatives are amazing given the time limit. ;D The only flaw I'd say is that this type of piece really needs eloquent and descriptive language, which you've done pretty well, but it could be improved. It's really difficult to improve your expression, but you could improve your description by describing as much of your senses as possible. Like what do you see, feel, smell and hear. This answers you question above about how to write alot on one scene. Also, I was wondering when your entrance exam is, since I think the year 9 entry one is in a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure about yours.
Hey zhen,
Thanks so much for correcting both of my essays. I really appreciate it. My exam is actually on the same date as the year 10 one. I am going for year 11 entry and the exam is on June 14. I just wanted to clarify what you meant by "It's really difficult to improve your expression". Tbqh, I personally didn't feel like the creative was very good, but I believe you lol. ;D
Wait, so if I am stuck and can't think of any solid arguments, I can resort to writing a rebuttal paragraph? Hmm. if my rebuttal is like the one I wrote, it will be fine? OK.
I completely understand that you don't have time to correct my essays in depth. I mean you are in year 12. What you have done so far has been great and I thank you for that. There aren't many people who go out of their way to help a stranger, ONLINE. ;D
Cheers!
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Hey zhen,
Thanks so much for correcting both of my essays. I really appreciate it. My exam is actually on the same date as the year 10 one. I am going for year 11 entry and the exam is on June 14. I just wanted to clarify what you meant by "It's really difficult to improve your expression". Tbqh, I personally didn't feel like the creative was very good, but I believe you lol. ;D
Wait, so if I am stuck and can't think of any solid arguments, I can resort to writing a rebuttal paragraph? Hmm. if my rebuttal is like the one I wrote, it will be fine? OK.
I completely understand that you don't have time to correct my essays in depth. I mean you are in year 12. What you have done so far has been great and I thank you for that. There aren't many people who go out of their way to help a stranger, ONLINE. ;D
Cheers!
I'd say just follow your gut feeling on the day. When I said it's difficult to fix your expression, I meant that improving expression is a gradual thing that takes weeks to do. I feel like your creative is really impressive, especially under those time constraints. However, I'm not sure if it's enough, since I took the year 9 exam, so I don't know the level required to get a high mark. I feel like your descriptions are really good and your vocabulary is pretty broad, but some of your sentences can get jarring and some of your descriptions aren't picked out well or don't flow well.
Here's the first bit of a creative I wrote in year 10, which wasn't done in time conditions. It's only 110 words, so it could have probably been written under time conditions given the low word count. I think it has pretty decent expression (might just be my own bias speaking) and shows the level of a year 10 selective school student. Hopefully it helps you. I'd like to hear some comments on it (just my curiosity speaking) and what you think are the positives and negatives of it (might help you fix and identify minor problems in your writing).
A creature surging with malice, resonating with utter evil is shackled by chains. Its eyes, which are devoid of remorse and empathy, show a vile crimson colour, likened to the scorching flames of hell. The beast's screeching howl reflects its malevolence and hatred. Being unable to rupture the chains which bind it, the monster merely waits.
I slowly open my eyes, only to see an ocean of sand surrounding me. I feel the blistering heat against my body. Streaks of wind wash past me, smothering my face with sweltering air. The last moment I can recall was the plane suddenly swirling out of control and violently crashing onto the ground.
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I'd say just follow your gut feeling on the day. When I said it's difficult to fix your expression, I meant that improving expression is a gradual thing that takes weeks to do. I feel like your creative is really impressive, especially under those time constraints. However, I'm not sure if it's enough, since I took the year 9 exam, so I don't know the level required to get a high mark. I feel like your descriptions are really good and your vocabulary is pretty broad, but some of your sentences can get jarring and some of your descriptions aren't picked out well or don't flow well.
Here's the first bit of a creative I wrote in year 10, which wasn't done in time conditions. It's only 110 words, so it could have probably been written under time conditions given the low word count. I think it has pretty decent expression (might just be my own bias speaking) and shows the level of a year 10 selective school student. Hopefully it helps you. I'd like to hear some comments on it (just my curiosity speaking) and what you think are the positives and negatives of it (might help you fix and identify minor problems in your writing).
A creature surging with malice, resonating with utter evil is shackled by chains. Its eyes, which are devoid of remorse and empathy, show a vile crimson colour, likened to the scorching flames of hell. The beast's screeching howl reflects its malevolence and hatred. Being unable to rupture the chains which bind it, the monster merely waits.
I slowly open my eyes, only to see an ocean of sand surrounding me. I feel the blistering heat against my body. Streaks of wind wash past me, smothering my face with sweltering air. The last moment I can recall was the plane suddenly swirling out of control and violently crashing onto the ground.
Hey zhen,
Thanks for the lengthy reply. When you say "However, I don't know if it's enough", do you mean you don't think it's enough or you actually don't know if it will be enough as you don't know the level required? Do you get what I am trying to ask lol?
Thanks for letting me know what to work on! ;D
I don't really have the time right now to comment on your piece of writing, but from what I have read, it sounds really good.
Thanks a lot! ;D
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Hey zhen,
Thanks for the lengthy reply. When you say "However, I don't know if it's enough", do you mean you don't think it's enough or you actually don't know if it will be enough as you don't know the level required? Do you get what I am trying to ask lol?
Thanks for letting me know what to work on! ;D
I don't really have the time right now to comment on your piece of writing, but from what I have read, it sounds really good.
Thanks a lot! ;D
I just don't know the level required to get a high score. Anyway, I just wanted you to read my piece to learn from it. I already did probably the last creative I'll ever write like a month ago for my SAC and already received my mark for it. So, I'm done writing creatives. :) I just thought that reading a piece that I wrote might help you with your own creatives.
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Lol it helped with mine. That was Damn Good
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Hey everyone!
Oh this persuasive was bad and I definitely know why. This topic was surely not for me. I really tried not to sound sexist, but in the time frame given, it was really hard not to. :( So I dearly apologise to any females who read this who are offended by my writing. :(
Can anyone explain if I can write two points that are similar? Can the arguments link up or does that create a weak persuasive? I ask that because in my eyes, the arguments I wrote are very similar and the first one leads on to the next one. Correct me if I am wrong. :-\
This was once again quite a short essay and definitely not up to standard. :(
Topic: Should girls be allowed to play on boys sports teams?
In the modern era, sporting has become a vital factor in ones life. Competitiveness is at an extremely high level and it is so between boys and girls. Boys and girls should definitely not be able to join boys sporting teams as it will give boys an advantage at a physical level. It also creates a very unsafe environment for females to compete in.
To begin with, boys are seen as physically stronger and more capable at a genetic level. This heavily disadvantages females as it does not create an even playing surface. It is known to all, with exceptions, that men can hit further, kick further and hit harder than women. However, it is not always the case but because of exceptions, the rest can not be left at a disadvantage. Generally, a boys sporting event is equipped with larger boundaries and larger grounds. If girls were to join boys sporting teams, they will have to compete at a matching level to that of a male. This means having to hit a ball further than they would have in a girls event and even running a further distance to achieve the same result. Consequently, girls should not be permitted to join boys sporting events.
In addition, due to the physical advantage held by males, mixed sporting teams result in a very unsafe environment for women. The physical strength attributed to men means that women are at more of a risk of becoming injured. Cricket can be used as a great example. Men undisputedly bowl faster and hit the ball harder that women. As a consequence of that, women will be threatened to injury resulting from the greater impact of the ball. (weird sentence). Therefore, women should undoubtedly not be allowed to join in male sporting teams.
In conclusion, men and women sporting teams should unequivocally be separated. Due to the advantage held by men and the physical risk to women, they should not be allowed to participate in boys sports teams.
Thanks!
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Hey everyone!
Oh this persuasive was bad and I definitely know why. This topic was surely not for me. I really tried not to sound sexist, but in the time frame given, it was really hard not to. :( So I dearly apologise to any females who read this who are offended by my writing. :(
Can anyone explain if I can write two points that are similar? Can the arguments link up or does that create a weak persuasive? I ask that because in my eyes, the arguments I wrote are very similar and the first one leads on to the next one. Correct me if I am wrong. :-\
This was once again quite a short essay and definitely not up to standard. :(
Topic: Should girls be allowed to play on boys sports teams?
In the modern era, sporting has become a vital factor in ones life. Competitiveness is at an extremely high level and it is so between boys and girls. Boys and girls should definitely not be able to join boys sporting teams as it will give boys an advantage at a physical level. It also creates a very unsafe environment for females to compete in.
To begin with, boys are seen as physically stronger and more capable at a genetic level. This heavily disadvantages females as it does not create an even playing surface. It is known to all, with exceptions, that men can hit further, kick further and hit harder than women. However, it is not always the case but because of exceptions, the rest can not be left at a disadvantage. Generally, a boys sporting event is equipped with larger boundaries and larger grounds. If girls were to join boys sporting teams, they will have to compete at a matching level to that of a male. This means having to hit a ball further than they would have in a girls event and even running a further distance to achieve the same result. Consequently, girls should not be permitted to join boys sporting events.
In addition, due to the physical advantage held by males, mixed sporting teams result in a very unsafe environment for women. The physical strength attributed to men means that women are at more of a risk of becoming injured. Cricket can be used as a great example. Men undisputedly bowl faster and hit the ball harder that women. As a consequence of that, women will be threatened to injury resulting from the greater impact of the ball. (weird sentence). Therefore, women should undoubtedly not be allowed to join in male sporting teams.
In conclusion, men and women sporting teams should unequivocally be separated. Due to the advantage held by men and the physical risk to women, they should not be allowed to participate in boys sports teams.
Thanks!
I feel like if you want to have the two arguments proposed, just change the topics sentence. Basically say that having mixed teams doesn't create an equal playing field for body paragraph 1 and say that it's unsafe for body paragraph 2, rather than starting off focusing on boys being stronger. I feel like the arguments are sound, but your expression at times isn't formal enough or not expressed well. "Men undisputedly bowl faster and hit the ball harder that women." and "It is known to all, with exceptions, that men can hit further, kick further and hit harder than women" are some examples. I agree with you that this was not a strong persuasive, especially since you seemed really hesitant to present your argument throughout the persuasive. It sounds like you're trying not to offend someone, which makes your piece not very persuasive.
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I feel like if you want to have the two arguments proposed, just change the topics sentence. Basically say that having mixed teams doesn't create an equal playing field for body paragraph 1 and say that it's unsafe for body paragraph 2, rather than starting off focusing on boys being stronger. I feel like the arguments are sound, but your expression at times isn't formal enough or not expressed well. "Men undisputedly bowl faster and hit the ball harder that women." and "It is known to all, with exceptions, that men can hit further, kick further and hit harder than women" are some examples. I agree with you that this was not a strong persuasive, especially since you seemed really hesitant to present your argument throughout the persuasive. It sounds like you're trying not to offend someone, which makes your piece not very persuasive.
Thanks zhen!
I completely agree when you said that I shouldn't have started the first paragraph by focusing on boys being stronger. My expression does sound clunky and not written well at times in my writing and I will try to improve that. Just a question... Could the reason for the clunky sentences and weird expressions be that I try to make my sentences sound too complex? Yes, I definitely was trying not to sound offensive. I felt like I was going to say something that people wouldn't take very well. Maybe I should just write whatever I want next time.
Thanks!
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Thanks zhen!
I completely agree when you said that I shouldn't have started the first paragraph by focusing on boys being stronger. My expression does sound clunky and not written well at times in my writing and I will try to improve that. Just a question... Could the reason for the clunky sentences and weird expressions be that I try to make my sentences sound too complex? Yes, I definitely was trying not to sound offensive. I felt like I was going to say something that people wouldn't take very well. Maybe I should just write whatever I want next time.
Thanks!
I think there are 2 reasons why your expression at times sounds clunky. In my opinion first reason is that you just write down what you would say out loud.
"It is known to all, with exceptions, that men can hit further, kick further and hit harder than women."
The second part of this sentence just seems out of place, since it seems like something you would say but not write in a formal essay.
It think second reason why your expression is clunky at times is because you're trying to make your sentences sound complex. This is an example.
However, it is not always the case but because of exceptions, the rest can not be left at a disadvantage.
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I think there are 2 reasons why your expression at times sounds clunky. In my opinion first reason is that you just write down what you would say out loud.
"It is known to all, with exceptions, that men can hit further, kick further and hit harder than women."
The second part of this sentence just seems out of place, since it seems like something you would say but not write in a formal essay.
It think second reason why your expression is clunky at times is because you're trying to make your sentences sound complex. This is an example.
However, it is not always the case but because of exceptions, the rest can not be left at a disadvantage.
Hmm ok,
Can you please give me an example on how to reword the first sentence so it sounds more free flowing but still delivers the message across to the reader and a better way to rewrite the second sentence so that it is concise and conveys the same message?
I have just finished my creative piece for today and am about to post it so hopefully you will look forward to that. ;D
Thanks!
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Hey everyone!
I have written a creative piece today and in my opinion, it's not too bad. I quite liked the prompt and the first idea that came to my mind was the one you're hopefully about to read.
This was also one of my longest pieces of writing. It increased so rapidly!
I just wanted to quickly mention zhen and thank him for his continuous effort to help me improve my writing. Don't worry everyone else, I haven't forgotten you and I would like to thank you all for your great feedback and posts! ;D Making me emotional... :'( nah kidding! :D
Topic: A picture of an old wooden house
I stood in front of the stairs, admiring the old wooden floorboards. The exact ones I have ran, jumped and fallen on. The peeling paint on the walls was reminiscent of my own life, slowly fading away until it fell into nothingness. I started to question my purpose, but was distracted by a nail I merely dodged. The old, wooden dinner table brought back memories of my whole family gathered, exchanging conversations. It brought a tear to my eye as I realised it was no longer possible. My life had dramatically changed. Once it was filled with vibrance and adventure and then overnight it turned into a depressing movie reel that was being played without any actors or audience. The balcony overshadowed they area below it and memories of my fathers fall flooded into my mind. That was the last time I saw him before they took him away.
As I walked around the house to have a final appreciation of my childhood home, I heard a knocking from my old bedroom. I suddenly became ever so quiet and an eerie silence filled the air. I was surrounded by an ominous atmosphere. It was a very odd noise. I sounded as if something had been knocked over, maybe from a table. I quickly realised that all of the furniture had been removed, so the possibility of something falling was zero. A very weird tingling sensation shot up my spine and my hair stood on end. I slowly began to tip toe out of the room and towards the bedroom. My hearing sensitivity was extremely high and every creak and noise worried me. As I got nearer to the suspected bedroom, I became slowler and slower. My legs were not willing to follow my instructions. My increasing anxiety was leading my brain into very dreadful thoughts. (Is anxiety the right word to choose?)
I tried to push these thoughts aside and focus on the task at hand. I jumped in front of the bedroom door and landed softly so that the floorboards did not give way below me. I was shocked to see, nothing. An empty room stared at me as I stared into emptiness. As I took one, long stride into the room, I was greeted by a slim man, not very tall. He looked at me without blinking and pulled out a long butcher's knife.
"Get out!" he ordered me loudly.
I quickly came back to my senses and hurried out of the room. I took one last glance at the man and sprinted out of the house.
Thanks!
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Hey everyone!
I have written a creative piece today and in my opinion, it's not too bad. I quite liked the prompt and the first idea that came to my mind was the one you're hopefully about to read.
This was also one of my longest pieces of writing. It increased so rapidly!
I just wanted to quickly mention zhen and thank him for his continuous effort to help me improve my writing. Don't worry everyone else, I haven't forgotten you and I would like to thank you all for your great feedback and posts! ;D Making me emotional... :'( nah kidding! :D
Topic: A picture of an old wooden house
I stood in front of the stairs, admiring the old wooden floorboards. The exact ones I have ran, jumped and fallen on. The peeling paint on the walls was reminiscent of my own life, slowly fading away until it fell into nothingness. I started to question my purpose, but was distracted by a nail I merely dodged. The old, wooden dinner table brought back memories of my whole family gathered, exchanging conversations. It brought a tear to my eye as I realised it was no longer possible. My life had dramatically changed. Once it was filled with vibrance and adventure and then overnight it turned into a depressing movie reel that was being played without any actors or audience. The balcony overshadowed they area below it and memories of my fathers fall flooded into my mind. That was the last time I saw him before they took him away.
As I walked around the house to have a final appreciation of my childhood home, I heard a knocking from my old bedroom. I suddenly became ever so quiet and an eerie silence filled the air. I was surrounded by an ominous atmosphere. It was a very odd noise. I sounded as if something had been knocked over, maybe from a table. I quickly realised that all of the furniture had been removed, so the possibility of something falling was zero. A very weird tingling sensation shot up my spine and my hair stood on end. I slowly began to tip toe out of the room and towards the bedroom. My hearing sensitivity was extremely high and every creak and noise worried me. As I got nearer to the suspected bedroom, I became slowler and slower. My legs were not willing to follow my instructions. My increasing anxiety was leading my brain into very dreadful thoughts. (Is anxiety the right word to choose?)
I tried to push these thoughts aside and focus on the task at hand. I jumped in front of the bedroom door and landed softly so that the floorboards did not give way below me. I was shocked to see, nothing. An empty room stared at me as I stared into emptiness. As I took one, long stride into the room, I was greeted by a slim man, not very tall. He looked at me without blinking and pulled out a long butcher's knife.
"Get out!" he ordered me loudly.
I quickly came back to my senses and hurried out of the room. I took one last glance at the man and sprinted out of the house.
Thanks!
I'm happy to help. :) Anyway as always a really great creative with some really remiscent vibes. I feel like to really enhance this reminiscent feeling, you should describe his past and sense of happiness and contrast it with the sorrow he's feeling at the moment.
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Thanks zhen for the correction!
Hello to everyone else! Today I wrote a persuasive essay. This one wasn't very strong and I believe that for the arguments I chose to write, I could have expressed my views in a much more powerful way. I actually wrote three arguments for today's piece and managed to finish it in 14 mins and 20 seconds, leaving 40 seconds to have a quick re-read.
This essay was only 347 words... :'( Is that enough for year 11 entry?
Can anyone please confirm if I have used "affect" in the correct context? I know the difference, but usually forget it after a few days lol.
Topic: Should smoking be allowed in parks and other outdoor public venues?
Smoking is a very highly addictive habit and common to a major population of the world. A cigarette contains tobacco, a substance that is extremely dangerous for the human body when consumed continuously. Smoking in public areas is a major health risk to humans and when people smoke in public, it is encouraging for other to do the same. Smoking is also very harmful to the environment, therefore, smoking in public areas and parks should not be allowed.
To begin with, smoking very negatively affects the human body. Smoking increases the chances of developing lung cancer and heart diseases. By banning smoking in public places, people will be discouraged to smoke, hence decreasing the smoking population. It has been scientifically proven that cigarettes contain over four thousand chemicals. All of these chemicals are extremely dangerous for the human body. Therefore, smoking should not be permitted in public places as it is very harmful to the human body.
In addition, smoking in public encourages others to do the same. It is a fact that the fumes released by cigarettes are very addictive. When these fumes are inhaled by nearby humans, they too are affected by the toxins. These addictive fumes encourage others to smoke, consequently increasing the smoking population. Public places are very populated and due to the high number of people, more are negatively impacted by other smokers. Thus, smoking in public places should not be allowed as it encourages others to smoke as well.
Finally, smoking is very harmful to the environment. The chemicals released from cigarettes, when added, have a very significant impact on the environment. Public places are purposely made to look appealing to citizens and in doing so, cost a lot of money. The landscape is heavily ruined by the toxic fumes released by cigarettes. Therefore, people should not be permitted to smoke in public places as it is harmful to the environment.
In conclusion, smoking should unequivocally be banned in public places. Smoking is very harmful to the human body, smoking in public spaces promotes smoking and it negatively affects the environment.
Thanks!
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Thanks zhen for the correction!
Hello to everyone else! Today I wrote a persuasive essay. This one wasn't very strong and I believe that for the arguments I chose to write, I could have expressed my views in a much more powerful way. I actually wrote three arguments for today's piece and managed to finish it in 14 mins and 20 seconds, leaving 40 seconds to have a quick re-read.
This essay was only 347 words... :'( Is that enough for year 11 entry?
Can anyone please confirm if I have used "affect" in the correct context? I know the difference, but usually forget it after a few days lol.
Topic: Should smoking be allowed in parks and other outdoor public venues?
Smoking is a very highly addictive habit and common to a major population of the world. A cigarette contains tobacco, a substance that is extremely dangerous for the human body when consumed continuously. Smoking in public areas is a major health risk to humans and when people smoke in public, it is encouraging for other to do the same. Smoking is also very harmful to the environment, therefore, smoking in public areas and parks should not be allowed.
To begin with, smoking very negatively affects the human body. Smoking increases the chances of developing lung cancer and heart diseases. By banning smoking in public places, people will be discouraged to smoke, hence decreasing the smoking population. It has been scientifically proven that cigarettes contain over four thousand chemicals. All of these chemicals are extremely dangerous for the human body. Therefore, smoking should not be permitted in public places as it is very harmful to the human body.
In addition, smoking in public encourages others to do the same. It is a fact that the fumes released by cigarettes are very addictive. When these fumes are inhaled by nearby humans, they too are affected by the toxins. These addictive fumes encourage others to smoke, consequently increasing the smoking population. Public places are very populated and due to the high number of people, more are negatively impacted by other smokers. Thus, smoking in public places should not be allowed as it encourages others to smoke as well.
Finally, smoking is very harmful to the environment. The chemicals released from cigarettes, when added, have a very significant impact on the environment. Public places are purposely made to look appealing to citizens and in doing so, cost a lot of money. The landscape is heavily ruined by the toxic fumes released by cigarettes. Therefore, people should not be permitted to smoke in public places as it is harmful to the environment.
In conclusion, smoking should unequivocally be banned in public places. Smoking is very harmful to the human body, smoking in public spaces promotes smoking and it negatively affects the environment.
Thanks!
Your structure and ideas are good, but your expression isn't always optimal. Here are examples
When these fumes are inhaled by nearby humans, they too are affected by the toxins
Public places are purposely made to look appealing to citizens and in doing so, cost a lot of money
Public places are very populated and due to the high number of people, more are negatively impacted by other smokers
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Your structure and ideas are good, but your expression isn't always optimal. Here are examples
When these fumes are inhaled by nearby humans, they too are affected by the toxins
Public places are purposely made to look appealing to citizens and in doing so, cost a lot of money
Public places are very populated and due to the high number of people, more are negatively impacted by other smokers
Thanks zhen!
I haven't been writing essays in the last couple of days because of exams. They'll end soon so I"ll try write some more essays on the weekend. Can you please advise on how I can reword the sentences that sound weird?
Thanks!
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Thanks zhen!
I haven't been writing essays in the last couple of days because of exams. They'll end soon so I"ll try write some more essays on the weekend. Can you please advise on how I can reword the sentences that sound weird?
Thanks!
Smoke from cigarettes could potentially be inhaled by bystanders, thus adversely affecting them.
Second sentence is more a dodgy sentence then badly expressed.
As public places are highly populated, numerous people can be adversely affected by smoking in these areas.
These are still dodgy but a bit better than before. Next week I have SAC week, so I'm probably not going to correct anything.
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Hey everyone!
I only have one exam left (tomorrow)! I decided to write something today as the exam is on Wednesday the 14th. I felt like I needed to get back into the groove of writing narratives and persuasive essays. I feel like the narrative I wrote today was decent. I believe the start was alright but then the end sort of just finished. It didn't really end smoothly and just sort of abruptly ended. Can someone please confirm whether I am correct or if it's fine? I also feel like there were too many short sentences in there. Is that true or am I just overthinking?
Also, I am not exactly sure if I answered the prompt question or not. Can someone also check this? Thanks
If someone has any exam tips for the other subjects that would also be greatly appreciated!
Topic: A hostage situation at a bank was not how I wanted to spend my morning.
The rose from it groggy sleep. The birds began their morning ritual of chirping and formed a peaceful atmosphere. It was a very humid, sticky morning. The ground was wet from the sporadic showers throughout the night. Daily commuters waited at their regular bus stops, dreading the bust day awaiting them. I made my way towards the bank, my second home. I still noticed the large windows everyday, even though my long career here. (Very dodgy sentence?) I entered through the large, wooden doors and greeted my co-workers. As always, they greeted me back with their sarcastic smile. Their glum faces made me question why they still worked here.
I made my way towards the counter and laid my belongings in front of me. I exhaled deeply as I prepared for the heavy workload of the day. It was close to the end of the financial year, which always meant more work. I looked at the clock nearby, it read eight fifty. I still have ten minutes before I was scheduled to start. Staring out of the window, I noticed the chaos and frozen expressions on people's faces. My curiosity grew and chills shot down my spine. I leaned forwards and pressed my head against the window so I could see as far to the right as possible. Three black sedans were speeding down the street, A heavy silence filled the atmosphere as people paused to see what was happening.
The cars abruptly stopped a few meters from the bank. I froze and my heart began to race. The large doors burst open and ran in a number of men. They were all dressed in grey. Long pants covered their legs and thin, stretched shirts were worn on the upper body. (weird expression?) They were equipped with black pistols. Everyone in the vicinity began yelling and some ran towards the exit. They were quickly shut down and threatened to get shot. My mind told me to reach down and pres the round, red button located under the table. My arms told me something else however and they were unwilling to move.
"Hey! What do you want?" Before I could stop myself, regretful words shot out of my mouth. I quickly came to my senses and reached down under the table. I pressed the button with my right palm. One of the men raised his weapon and before I could duck, he pressed the trigger. I felt an excruciating throbbing pain in my right shoulder and I screamed in agony.
Thanks
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Hey everyone!
I only have one exam left (tomorrow)! good luck! (: I decided to write something today as the exam is on Wednesday the 14th. I felt like I needed to get back into the groove of writing narratives and persuasive essays. I feel like the narrative I wrote today was decent. I believe the start was alright but then the end sort of just finished. It didn't really end smoothly and just sort of abruptly ended. Can someone please confirm whether I am correct or if it's fine? I also feel like there were too many short sentences in there. Is that true or am I just overthinking?
Also, I am not exactly sure if I answered the prompt question or not. Can someone also check this? Thanks
If someone has any exam tips for the other subjects that would also be greatly appreciated!
Topic: A hostage situation at a bank was not how I wanted to spend my morning.
The i'm going to assume you mean sun but you could also mean you so? either way that's a nice start.rose from it groggy sleep. The birds began their morning ritual of chirping and formed a peaceful atmosphere. It was a very humid, sticky morning. The ground was wet from the sporadic showers throughout the night. Daily commuters waited at their regular bus stops, dreading the bust day awaiting them. I made my way towards the bank, my second home. I still noticed the large windows everyday, even though my long career here. (Very dodgy sentence?) yes, a little dodgy. um, try: "I still noticed the large windows every day, even though I'd had a long career working there." or, if you're feeling fancy, "even though my career working there spanned decades."
unless it didn't span decades in which case maybe not omg. but yes that was dodgy. still got your point though (: I entered through the large, wooden doors and greeted my co-workers. As always, they greeted me back with their sarcastic smiles. Their glum faces made me question why they still worked here. yeah, i'm picky as heck, but short sentences. there's nothing wrong with them, but just for a nice flow, link two of them together with a comma and an and. or even just an and tbh. but yeah i don't know how they mark these so idk if that matters but hey it's a thing. sidenote: good start. i suck at remembering to compliment but this is v nice.
I made my way towards the counter and laid my belongings in front of me. I exhaled deeply as I prepared for the heavy workload of the day. It was close to the end of the financial year, which always meant more work. nice detailI looked at the clock nearby, it read eight fifty. I still have tense! had. have is present and you're hanging out in past here. ten minutes before I was scheduled to start. Staring out of the window, I noticed the chaos and frozen expressions on people's faces. My curiosity grew and chills shot down my spine. I leaned forwards and pressed my head against the window so I could see as far to the right as possible. so, like, in the interests of alternating your sentence length: "My curiousity growing, and chills shooting down my spine, I leaned forward, pressing my head against the window so I could see as far to the right as possible." haven't changed any of your word choices, just tenses for grammar, and it alters the matter of fact delivery of the paragraph a little, which is nice because whilst short sentences are great textbook material, narratives are nicer on the eye when they're flexible with sentence structure. Three black sedans were speeding down the street, andA heavy silence filled the atmosphere as people paused to see what was happening.
The cars abruptly stopped a few meters again, v minor thing but australian english is british so we have to say metres haha. from the bank. I froze and my heart began to race. The large doors burst open and ran in a number of men. They were all dressed in grey. Long pants covered their legs and thin, stretched shirts were worn on the upper body. (weird expression? yes omg. i guess if you want to describe what they're wearing, the best way i can make it fit is "They were all dressed in grey, clad in long pants and thin, stretched shirts." it's not necessarily imperative to mention where all the garments are being worn because unless your bank robbers have pants on their arms i'm really not that fussed. the whole robbing thing is what your reader and also your protagonist will be focusing on. nice to touch on clothes though! ) They were equipped with black pistols. yup, that's the good bit to mention.Everyone in the vicinity began yelling and some ran towards the exit. They were quickly shut down and threatened to get shot. odd phrasing. threatened to get shot is clunky, not wrong, but maybe: "They were quickly shut down, the robbers threatening to shoot at the first sign of movement." a cool thing is that sometimes if an and doesn't work in your sentence, you can add in a comma and switch up the tense of a word (ie. threatened to threatening) and make it sound less clunky. idk if that makes sense but that's basically what i do whenever i'm correcting these and something sounds off (: My mind told me to reach down and pres the round, red button located under the table. My arms told me something else however and they were unwilling to move. nice. accurate. people freeze with fear.
"Hey! What do you want?" Before I could stop myself, regretful words shot out of my mouth. I quickly came to my senses and reached down under the table. I pressed the button with my right palm. One of the men raised his weapon and before I could duck, he pressed the trigger. I felt an excruciating throbbing pain in my right shoulder and I screamed in agony. so i'd agree that ending here is very abrupt. but you have fifteen minutes so it is quite impressive still. possibly, if i was you and running out of time, to get in an ending that feels realistic i'd have him (or her!) maybe slump to the floor and close their (gender neutral pronouns, yup) eyes? people do pass out from pain a lot. or just kill him tbh. not that i'm advocating for that ending, but i just think you get a little bit more closure because at least once the narrator is dead, you know there's nothing more coming. the ending you have currently makes it seem like a lot more could happen, and therefore it feels unfinished. (so i guess i'm saying, when in doubt commit murder? this is bad role-modeling 101 oops.)
i liked this, though! you're good at description and plot and this was really nice to read. there's a nice balance between progressing the plot and showing me what the character feels (: i'd maybe just like a more concrete ending!
good luck with the exam tomorrow and the test on wednesday (:
Thanks
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Thanks Patricia!
I appreciate the time taken to correct my piece. I will certainly take on board the suggestions and improvements. Thanks for the good luck comments and I will definitely do my best! 8)
I am probably going to write one or two more essays tomorrow as I finish early (exams). I hope you can also have a read of them if you like. ;D
Thanks!
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Thanks Patricia!
I appreciate the time taken to correct my piece. I will certainly take on board the suggestions and improvements. Thanks for the good luck comments and I will definitely do my best! 8)
I am probably going to write one or two more essays tomorrow as I finish early (exams). I hope you can also have a read of them if you like. ;D
Thanks!
no worries! i'll definitely look at your narratives if you do another one/s, and if no one's around to mark persuasives i can /try/ to help with that although my only qualification to do so is that i ??? have almost completed high school oops i don't know enough really. (: good luck with you exam/s! (:
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Hello everyone!
I've finished my exams. YAY! ;D
The Suzanne Cory exam is tomorrow so I thought I would use today to practice some more writing pieces just to keep in touch with the time frame. I have written a persuasive essay today. I feel like I could have written so much more for each body paragraph but I didn't know what I could have written. Can someone please suggest how I can expand more on any argument I choose to write and what else I could have written in the following piece? ;D
Also, is the structure of my persuasive alright or does it need touching up? ;D
This piece was only 352 words... :'( Do I need to write a lot more or is it fine?
If someone could also check my narrative piece that was posted on reply #64, I don't think someone has read it, that would be greatly appreciated. ;D
Topic: Should people be allowed to keep exotic animals such as chimpanzees and tigers?
It is customary for people to adopt pets, but the prospect of keeping exotic animals looms throughout society. Exotic animals can be defined as tigers, chimpanzees, lions and other animals not commonly adopted. These animals should certainly not be kept as they are very dangerous animals that can be seen as a severe threat to humans. Keeping these animals also brings about great expenses, which requires great dedication to be able to take care of the animals. Therefore, exotic animals should definitely not be kept by people.
To begin, exotic animals are very dangerous and pose a threat to humans. Animals such as tigers and lions are strictly kept in environments where one cannot be harmed or threatened by the animals existence. Exotic animals are not very human friendly and can be dangerous to humans, namely children. Hence, exotic animals should not be allowed to be kept by people. (I feel like I could have written so much more for this but I didn't know what to add)
In addition, taking care of exotic animals is a very expensive commitment. The danger that these animals pose means that special care needs to be taken to be able to accommodate these animals in a human home. These animals require special housing, diets and maintenance, all of which a human cannot provide. If one was to adopt an exotic animal, it would require great commitment and dedication to be able to provide the animals with basic requirements. Consequently, people should not be allowed to keep exotic pets.
One may suggest that the adoption of such pets is purely a personal choice. However, the person's life will still be put at a major risk and the presence of an exotic animal still looms as a threat to people. Therefore, people should not be permitted to keep exotic animals as pets.
In conclusion, people should unequivocally not be authorised to keep exotic pets. These animals are very dangerous and pose a great risk to human lives. Keeping these animals is very expensive and requires great commitment. Even though the adoption of such animals is a personal choice, it still remains a threat to people's lives. Therefore, exotic animals should undoubtedly not be kept by people.
Thanks!
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Hello everyone!
I've finished my exams. YAY! ;D
The Suzanne Cory exam is tomorrow so I thought I would use today to practice some more writing pieces just to keep in touch with the time frame. I have written a persuasive essay today. I feel like I could have written so much more for each body paragraph but I didn't know what I could have written. Can someone please suggest how I can expand more on any argument I choose to write and what else I could have written in the following piece? ;D
Also, is the structure of my persuasive alright or does it need touching up? ;D
This piece was only 352 words... :'( Do I need to write a lot more or is it fine?
If someone could also check my narrative piece that was posted on reply #64, I don't think someone has read it, that would be greatly appreciated. ;D
Topic: Should people be allowed to keep exotic animals such as chimpanzees and tigers?
It is customary for people to adopt pets, but the prospect of keeping exotic animals looms throughout society. Exotic animals can be defined as tigers, chimpanzees, lions and other animals not commonly adopted. Dodgy definition here. I know that it's in the topic but it's not just uncommon animals. More specifically it's animals from foreign countries These animals should certainly not be kept as they are very dangerous animals that can be seen as a severe threat to humans. Keeping these animals also brings about great expenses, which requires great dedication to be able to take care of the animals. Therefore, exotic animals should definitely not be kept by people.
To begin, exotic animals are very dangerous and pose a threat to humans. Animals such as tigers and lions are strictly kept in environments where one cannot be harmed or threatened by the animals existence. Exotic animals are not very human friendly Expression isn't good here and can be dangerous to humans, namely children. If you're going to say that it's dangerous to children then explain why. Hence, exotic animals should not be allowed to be kept by people. I just noticed that the end of every paragraph has the same type of ending sentence which isn't good. You should vary it up by restating your main point for the body paragraphs. So for this it would be Hence exotic animals should not be allowed to be kept by people as they could pose a threat to the health of their owners (I feel like I could have written so much more for this but I didn't know what to add)
In addition, taking care of exotic animals is a very expensive commitment. The danger that these animals pose means that special care needs to be taken to be able to accommodate these animals in a human home. These animals require special housing, diets and maintenance, all of which a human cannot provide. I think this is a really bold statement, which is normally good for persuasives, but I feel like it's stating something obviously false, as there are some exceptions. Something like majority of people would not have the resources to accomodate the needs of these animals/it would be a massive inconvenience to provide properly for these animals would be better in my opinion If one was to adopt an exotic animal, it would require great commitment and dedication to be able to provide the animals with basic requirements. Consequently, people should not be allowed to keep exotic pets. You should probably back it up with your reason why for this paragraph. So say Thus, people should not be allowed to keep exotic pets, as many would not be able to properly provide for them or something like that
One may suggest that the adoption of such pets is purely a personal choice. However, the person's life will still be put at a major risk and the presence of an exotic animal still looms as a threat to people. Therefore, people should not be permitted to keep exotic animals as pets. This is just repeating the first body paragraph and honestly doesn't add anything since both this paragraph and the first one are the same. They both talk about the danger of exotic animals, so you should probably not use this paragraph at all. Instead try to find another argument or rebuttal
In conclusion, people should unequivocally not be authorised to keep exotic pets. These animals are very dangerous and pose a great risk to human lives. Keeping these animals is very expensive and requires great commitment. Even though the adoption of such animals is a personal choice, it still remains a threat to people's lives. Therefore, exotic animals should undoubtedly not be kept by people.
Thanks!
I feel like anything done today won't really help you for the exam tomorrow, since cramming the day before doesn't do that much. Also, I hope you stay on atarnotes after this especially since you'll be in VCE next year and you can help other people trying out for selective schools like you are right now and get help for your VCE subjects on atarnotes. Anyway good luck for the exam. ;D
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I feel like anything done today won't really help you for the exam tomorrow, since cramming the day before doesn't do that much. Also, I hope you stay on atarnotes after this especially since you'll be in VCE next year and you can help other people trying out for selective schools like you are right now and get help for your VCE subjects on atarnotes. Anyway good luck for the exam. ;D
Thanks so much zhen!
I will definitely stay active on AtarNotes so that I can give back to the community who has helped me so far. I appreciate your good luck comments so thank you! ;D
I may write a narrative today so that I keep up with the time frame and what not so if you have time, check back a little later.
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GOOD LUCK!!
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GOOD LUCK!!
CHEERS MATE!!!
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GalacticProcess how was your exam?
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GalacticProcess how was your exam?
Hey zhen!
Lol I was just about to post how I went. Ok, so I am going to split my comments into separate paragraphs, in the order that they happened. If anyone else did the test today please leave comment describing your experience in this thread. I would love to read your post. ;D
Verbal reasoning: Pretty easy I think. I finished all questions with 1-2 minutes to spare and there weren't many questions that I genuinely didn't know. Some of the word meanings they ask are kinda out of the blue.
Numerical reasoning: This was a tad harder than the verbal reasoning. I still finished with 1-2 minutes to spare but this time the questions were a bit trickier. Especially the questions about who came first, second third in order of events and what not. Not sure if I make sense.
Persuasive essay: I think I wrote a decent essay. The prompt was "Social media makes people self-absorbed." I wrote about how social media informs people about global issues and the fact that they connect people without physically being with them. So I said that it doesn't make people self-absorbed. My writing wasn't top-notch but I think it was pretty decent. It wasn't the best but I think it's probably above average.
Then we had the break. 8)
Reading comprehension: Ok this was probably my worst of the day. Some of the passages were literally like a page long and each one had like 6-7 questions to answer. I finished most of it but guessed maybe 5-8 questions. Tbqh, I think that most people found it really difficult and when we were handing the papers in, I noticed that the person sitting next to me had guessed 10-15 of the questions. (maybe more). :-\
Mathematics: Maths is usually my best subjects but idk why I probs didn't do as well as I would have liked. I managed to do all but 5-7 questions, so I guessed them. The questions weren't at all hard, it's just that there were so many of them. Some of them I had to make an educated guess. Just saying, when I did the test for year 9 entry, I guessed heaps and got a superior. Once again, I don't think people found this one easy and a lot of people guessed heaps of questions.
Creative piece: This was probably one of my best exams that I did today. The prompt was two dialogues. 1. "Why should I trust you" and 2. "Because I am the only one that knows". I basically wrote about a guy visiting his childhood home and getting killed by a guy in there. Obviously a lot more detailed than that. If anyone noticed, the house part is sorta similar to the one I wrote in a practice piece before the actual exam.
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Hey zhen!
Lol I was just about to post how I went. Ok, so I am going to split my comments into separate paragraphs, in the order that they happened. If anyone else did the test today please leave comment describing your experience in this thread. I would love to read your post. ;D
Verbal reasoning: Pretty easy I think. I finished all questions with 1-2 minutes to spare and there weren't many questions that I genuinely didn't know. Some of the word meanings they ask are kinda out of the blue.
Numerical reasoning: This was a tad harder than the verbal reasoning. I still finished with 1-2 minutes to spare but this time the questions were a bit trickier. Especially the questions about who came first, second third in order of events and what not. Not sure if I make sense.
Persuasive essay: I think I wrote a decent essay. The prompt was "Social media makes people self-absorbed." I wrote about how social media informs people about global issues and the fact that they connect people without physically being with them. So I said that it doesn't make people self-absorbed. My writing wasn't top-notch but I think it was pretty decent. It wasn't the best but I think it's probably above average.
Then we had the break. 8)
Reading comprehension: Ok this was probably my worst of the day. Some of the passages were literally like a page long and each one had like 6-7 questions to answer. I finished most of it but guessed maybe 5-8 questions. Tbqh, I think that most people found it really difficult and when we were handing the papers in, I noticed that the person sitting next to me had guessed 10-15 of the questions. (maybe more). :-\
Mathematics: Maths is usually my best subjects but idk why I probs didn't do as well as I would have liked. I managed to do all but 5-7 questions, so I guessed them. The questions weren't at all hard, it's just that there were so many of them. Some of them I had to make an educated guess. Just saying, when I did the test for year 9 entry, I guessed heaps and got a superior. Once again, I don't think people found this one easy and a lot of people guessed heaps of questions.
Creative piece: This was probably one of my best exams that I did today. The prompt was two dialogues. 1. "Why should I trust you" and 2. "Because I am the only one that knows". I basically wrote about a guy visiting his childhood home and getting killed by a guy in there. Obviously a lot more detailed than that. If anyone noticed, the house part is sorta similar to the one I wrote in a practice piece before the actual exam.
It sounds like all that practice, especially in the creative since you got to write something similar to what you already wrote about, paid off. Hopefully you get in but even if you don't you've learnt some valuable skills along the way.
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It sounds like all that practice, especially in the creative since you got to write something similar to what you already wrote about, paid off. Hopefully you get in but even if you don't you've learnt some valuable skills along the way.
Yes the practice definitely paid off. Props to you zhen for taking the time to correct all of my essays. ;D Really helped me progress as a writer.
Thanks to everyone else who has contributed to this thread. ;D
I truly hope that I make it in but only time will tell I guess. The results are expected to be released mid to end of July. I'll post here once I get them to spread the good news! (hopefully!!!) Hopefully we will all stay in touch through AtarNotes and contribute to the community. 8)
See you all for now!
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I HOPE I DO AS WELL AS YOU!! and where did u stuff up last year?
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I HOPE I DO AS WELL AS YOU!! and where did u stuff up last year?
Thanks Jack!
When I said I did the test for year 9 entry, I meant that I sat the exam when I was in year 8. Tbqh, I didn't really mess up in anything and got good results. What happened was, before the exam in year 8, I emailed edutest to change school preferences as I had only selected Melbourne High as a preference (they told us we could change preferences). Unfortunately, they didn't reply to the emails. When I compared my results with a friend who was accepted into Suzanne Cory, we noticed they were exactly the same! So I am not sure, but I regret not having chosen SCHS as a preference. Due to certain circumstances, I did not sit the exam for year 10 entry last year (when I was in year 9). Hopefully make it this year though!
See ya!
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IK lol thats what i mean!! im in y8