ATAR Notes: Forum

National Education => Admissions tests => Selective Schools Admissions Tests => Topic started by: jz27 on May 30, 2017, 06:54:59 pm

Title: Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry
Post by: jz27 on May 30, 2017, 06:54:59 pm
TOPIC: Should High School Be Mandatory

High school poses as a difficult part of teenage life. The question that strikes everyone is whether or not high school should be mandatory. Well, just because something is hard doesn't mean the correct thing to do is to avoid it. In fact avoidance of difficult things is a sign of weakness. So it is definitely a logical choice to make high school compulsory for everyone. Regardless of how large of a wall high school builds for you, breaking it down will always prove as a significant event in your life/ High school grants you stronger education and friends. So there is no reason to be pessimistic about it.

Education is of utmost importance, and High school provides as a chance to strengthen you academic foundations. If it wasn't mandatory, the people who willingly ( and smartly) go will have a sky high advantage of those who choose to stray from the advantageous and most definitely more advisable path. The importance of High School in human advancement ( I dont know wtf I was thinking lol ) in education makes the essentialness(It says this words an error?) of High school significant.

Having friends proves useful in the later years of life. Research shows that friends from high school tend to bond closer than that of primary. Maybe this is because of all the hard times that friends endure through in high school. The friends that you gain at high school makes it wise to make it mandatory.

Those who disagree are usually those who are afraid to endure hardships. The will come up with all types of excuses to avoid |DAMN I RAN OUT OF TIME| 15 min is up




NOW THAT I REREAD IT IM CRINGING, Please barrage me with how to improve and fix errors. You can diss me all you want. Ill take it as constructive feedback :) Please go ahead and criticize me and give me tips on how i can improve my writing. THANKS!!


PS. Im doing a creative piece next tomoz please stay active on this topic so you can help me improve. Also feel free to put ur essay in here if its within my abilities ill correct

Sorry :(
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on May 31, 2017, 06:56:10 pm
TOPIC: Should High School Be Mandatory

High school poses as a difficult part of teenage life. The question that strikes everyone is whether or not high school should be mandatory. Good starting sentence Well, just because something is hard doesn't mean the correct thing to do is to avoid it. In fact avoidance of difficult things is a sign of weakness. This is a really generalised and controversial statement which I'd avoid.  So it is definitely a logical choice to make high school compulsory for everyone. This doesn't really flow well from the last sentence (probably because the last sentence wasn't really that strong). I'd focus on the fact that high school will assist in the well being and development of teenagers, so it is definitely a logical choice... Regardless of how large of a wall high school builds for you, breaking it down will always prove as a significant event in your life/ High school grants you stronger education and friends. So there is no reason to be pessimistic about it. I feel like the wall is a good matephor, but persuasives are meant to be formal and I was taught to do completely third person when preparing for my entrance exam. Maybe ask someone about this. Also, I feel like the statemnt "there is no reason to be pessimistic about it" is too much of an assumption. People might not want to attend school because of other reasons. A better concluding sentence would be thus, high school should be mandatory to all students or something like that.

Education is of utmost importance, and High school provides as a chance to strengthen you academic foundations. If it wasn't mandatory, the people who willingly ( and smartly) go will have a sky high not formal enough advantage of those who choose to stray from the advantageous and most definitely more advisable path. expression here is a bit clunky The importance of High School in human advancement ( I dont know wtf I was thinking lol ) in education makes the essentialness(It says this words an error?) I don't know if it's an error, but it certainly sounds weird  of High school significant. This paragraph isn't strong, as your expression becomes a bit convoluted here and you don't really say why and howhaving an education is so important.

Having friends proves useful in the later years of life. Research shows that friends from high school tend to bond closer than that of primary. Maybe Try to be more firm in your language, since it's a persuasive this is because of all the hard times that friends endure through in high school. The friends that you gain at high school makes it wise to make it mandatory. This isn't really that persuasive since you haven't talked about how having close friends is good/advantageous to people

Those who disagree are usually those who are afraid to endure hardships. This seems like a really aggressive statement against those who don't want to go to high school, which I'd avoid.  The will come up with all types of excuses to avoid |DAMN I RAN OUT OF TIME| 15 min is up




NOW THAT I REREAD IT IM CRINGING, Please barrage me with how to improve and fix errors. You can diss me all you want. Ill take it as constructive feedback :) Please go ahead and criticize me and give me tips on how i can improve my writing. THANKS!!


PS. Im doing a creative piece next tomoz please stay active on this topic so you can help me improve. Also feel free to put ur essay in here if its within my abilities ill correct

Just so you know, I'm not going to be very active in the next 3 weeks, so I'm not going to correct many essays. Anyway, it's a pretty good attempt overall (at least better than my essays back then).  :) Keep up the good work  ;D.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on May 31, 2017, 07:04:55 pm
THX BROOOO REALLY APPRECIATE IT !!:)
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on May 31, 2017, 07:05:15 pm
Creative

A loud rumbling woke me up at 2am, I believed it was odd  and unusual.My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go and investigate. After blindly walking around and quickly checking every room and cupboard, I gave up. As soon as I climbed into my cosy bed sheets, the rumbling grew louder. Extremely disturbed by this, I traced the sound to it's origin, the living room. This felt like one of those films, where there was a magic portal that will enable access to another world, and sure enough........there wasn't. I wandered around the living room, nothing odd was detected, actually nothing much could be detected at all without the aid of a source of light. I swiftly strided to where I assume the light switch to be, but on my second stride a abrupt creaking sound sent shivers down my spine, I looked down and reached my hand underneath the worn out rug, a prized possession of my grandma, who knitted it herself. I felt a rectangular panel. After gently moving the rug aside, I threw open the panel. Newly lit torches illuminated a staircase descending into an obscured place. I carefully walked down the cobblestone stairway afraid to encounter any kind of trap. Instead I found a ghastly looking door with a key already inserted into the keyhole, as if the door itself was inviting me to open it. I anxiously turned the handle and on the other side of the door was my grandma, furiously knitting something, she seemed to be in a trance...   ( I DUNNO WOT I WAZZ THINKING????)   PLZ GIMME TIPS AND SUGGESTIONS> ALSO SUGGEST A BETTER ENDING> THX
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: pro(crastinator) on June 01, 2017, 07:28:40 pm
Topic: Are Security Cameras an Invasion of Privacy

Security cameras are in just about every public area. They are in shops, arenas, libraries, and parks. It's almost impossible to avoid them. Some think these cameras, put in place to capture footage of crime is an invasion of privacy. However other, more informed and educated people beg to differ.

Security cameras are only placed in public areas. These areas are called public for a reason, they are open to the public. No cameras are placed in someone's house without permission. In every place where there are security cameras people are aware others can see them. Therefore it isn't an invasion of privacy.

In most places where there are security cameras people are aware that they are there. Security cameras are usually placed in easy to see areas and some are places even have a sign saying 'Security cameras in use'. There are no sneaky lenses secretly peeking at unsuspecting victims. Only well seen cameras placed in order to keep Australians safe.

In conclusion it is clear that security cameras are not an invasion of privacy. They are in public areas and are placed in easy to see places. Unlike what the people who think security cameras are an invasion of privacy seem to believe.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 01, 2017, 08:48:23 pm
NOICE im assuming u did it in 15 minutes?
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 01, 2017, 09:42:32 pm
I'm doing the same prompt as pro (crastinator)  ;) but I'm on the agreeing side.\

Security camera's, something that we encounter far too more than we would hope to, is considered an invasion of privacy. In fact, IT IS. Something that follows you everywhere, regardless of whether you want it to or not, is definitely more than an invasion of privacy.

Nothing more can be despised other than having an omniscient character "mysteriously" knowing every single detail about you. From what you do on a daily basis, to your secret fetishes that you wish to remain secret. In the modern society, this is deemed "stalking", an illegal act. Security camera's are perfectly suitable for that. Therefore, it is undeniably true that security cameras are an invasion of privacy.

Having someone watch everything you do and everything that occurs around you is bound to apply pressure on you. Around the camera you have to mould yourself into someone that's not you. Through the camera people will judge you on what you do. Camera's force people to act in a way that is learned, that that is invading your personal environment.

People may disagree, and tend to think security cameras are used to catch crimes, and are beneficial in this use. This is true, but it doesn't change the fact that security cameras catch more than just crimes.

The previous points then conclude that, because of potential stalking, forced change in attitude and behavior. Security cameras are unarguably an assault on the right to privacy.



THANKS FOR READING!!!!
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: GalacticProcess on June 01, 2017, 10:30:43 pm
I'm doing the same prompt as pro (crastinator)  ;) but I'm on the agreeing side.\

Security camera's, something that we encounter far too more Sounds dodgy. Maybe replace more with often and remove the "than we would hope to. than we would hope to, is considered an invasion of privacy. In fact, IT IS. Don't need to restate what you said in first sentence. Something that follows you everywhere, regardless of whether you want it to or not, is definitely more than an invasion of privacy.  I think you need to write about the arguments you will discuss in the conclusion. From what I have read, you have not done that.

Nothing more can be despised other than having an omniscient character "mysteriously" knowing every single detail about you. Maybe start with "To begin with..." From what you do on a daily basis, to your secret fetishes Wrong word to use here. Fetish has a completely different meaning to what you have said, unless you are actually trying to state someones sexual fetishes. that you wish to remain secret. In the modern society, this is deemed "stalking", an illegal act. Security camera's are perfectly suitable for that. Therefore, it is undeniably true that security cameras are an invasion of privacy.

Having someone watch everything you do and everything that occurs around you is bound to apply pressure on you. Maybe say "In addition". Around the camera you have to mould (Mold) yourself into someone that's not you. Through the camera people will judge you on what you do. Camera's force people to act in a way that is learned, that that is invading your personal environment.

People may disagree, and tend to think security cameras are used to catch crimes, and are beneficial in this use. This is true, but it doesn't change the fact that security cameras catch more than just crimes. You need to write why what other people say is wrong. Writing "but it doesn't change the fact that security cameras catch more than just crimes" does not suffice.

The previous points then conclude that, because of potential stalking, forced change in attitude and behavior. The sentence doesn't make sense. It may be unfinished. Security cameras are unarguably an assault on the right to privacy.  I think this is too concise. I assume that this conclusion is rushed because of the lack of time. A possible conclusion could be "Therefore, it can be concluded that the use of security cameras is an act of privacy. Potential stalking, a forced change in attitude and behaviour are all consequences of the use and implementation of security cameras. Hence, security cameras should undoubtedly not be used," This conclusion explains all of your points but it sounds less rushed.



THANKS FOR READING!!!!

Things you can work on:
-Explain the consequences of the use of security cameras. EXPLAIN why using them is not right. Don't just list
-Make sure you use words in the correct context (Eg. Fetish in that context doesn't make sense. Fetish refers to a sexual desire.)

The writing wasn't bad so well done. I'll try to correct some more pieces if I have time. I though that if people take the time to correct my essays, why not give back to the AtarNotes community?
Good luck!
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 02, 2017, 07:54:38 am
OOOH damn, lol i thought fetish meant a wierd hobby  THX BRO!! ;D ;D
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: GalacticProcess on June 02, 2017, 11:57:42 am
OOOH damn, lol i thought fetish meant a wierd hobby  THX BRO!! ;D ;D
No worries. I probably won't have a lot of time correcting your pieces as I am also writing essays myself. I also have exams next week so I am a bit busy at the moment.
Good luck!
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: brenden on June 02, 2017, 04:51:55 pm
Huge props to those giving feedback ITT :)
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on June 02, 2017, 06:23:51 pm
Creative

A loud rumbling woke me up at 2am, I believed it was odd  and unusual.My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go and investigate. After blindly walking around and quickly checking every room and cupboard, I gave up. As soon as I climbed into my cosy bed sheets, the rumbling grew louder. Extremely disturbed by this, I traced the sound to it's origin, the living room. This felt like one of those films, where there was a magic portal that will enable access to another world, and sure enough........there wasn't. I wandered around the living room, nothing odd was detected, actually nothing much could be detected at all without the aid of a source of light. I swiftly strided to where I assume the light switch to be, but on my second stride a abrupt creaking sound sent shivers down my spine, I looked down and reached my hand underneath the worn out rug, a prized possession of my grandma, who knitted it herself. I felt a rectangular panel. After gently moving the rug aside, I threw open the panel. Newly lit torches illuminated a staircase descending into an obscured place. I carefully walked down the cobblestone stairway afraid to encounter any kind of trap. Instead I found a ghastly looking door with a key already inserted into the keyhole, as if the door itself was inviting me to open it. I anxiously turned the handle and on the other side of the door was my grandma, furiously knitting something, she seemed to be in a trance...   ( I DUNNO WOT I WAZZ THINKING????)   PLZ GIMME TIPS AND SUGGESTIONS> ALSO SUGGEST A BETTER ENDING> THX
I'm providing really brief like feedback, since I'm crazy busy.
Positives
-Good description
-Solid essay overall

Negatives
-Uninteresting plot
-No sense of suspense (kind of links to the above)
-No real build up (links to the above)
-Not really a negative, but you're telling too much and not showing. For example, when you talk about walking blindly, you could describe the person tripping over something
-Dodgy ending

Overall great creative. It's better than what I wrote for my entrance exam. I think that if you can replicate this level or better, then you'll be set.   ;D
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on June 02, 2017, 06:30:26 pm
Topic: Are Security Cameras an Invasion of Privacy

Security cameras are in just about every public area. They are in shops, arenas, libraries, and parks. It's almost impossible to avoid them. Some think these cameras, put in place to capture footage of crime is an invasion of privacy. However other, more informed and educated people beg to differ.

Security cameras are only placed in public areas. These areas are called public for a reason, they are open to the public. No cameras are placed in someone's house without permission. In every place where there are security cameras people are aware others can see them. Therefore it isn't an invasion of privacy.

In most places where there are security cameras people are aware that they are there. Security cameras are usually placed in easy to see areas and some are places even have a sign saying 'Security cameras in use'. There are no sneaky lenses secretly peeking at unsuspecting victims. Only well seen cameras placed in order to keep Australians safe.

In conclusion it is clear that security cameras are not an invasion of privacy. They are in public areas and are placed in easy to see places. Unlike what the people who think security cameras are an invasion of privacy seem to believe.
Positives
-Good introduction that introduces the topic
-Decent arguments in body para 1
-Decent arguments in body para 2
-Decent expression overall
-Good conlcusion that sums up all your points

Negatives
-Introduction could introduce arguments (this is my subjective preference)
-Not formal enough at times and at time your expression gets clunky. "These areas are called public for a reason..." "There are no sneaky lenses secretly peeking at unsuspecting victims."
These are some examples that you could fix
-Not really a negative, but I feel like a strong third point would be security cameras are there for security and help protect the public

Overall great essay.  ;D Continue working hard and good luck for your entrance exam.  :)
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 02, 2017, 06:33:57 pm
ONCE AGAIN...............................THX BRO
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 03, 2017, 01:01:44 pm
Oh wait.. That wasnt my writing lol
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on June 03, 2017, 01:28:56 pm
Oh wait.. That wasnt my writing lol
Well, I did correct your creative. Didn't correct your persuasive since it was already corrected.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: 12345D on June 03, 2017, 03:31:39 pm
Topic: How should schools deal with bullying?

Every day, a child walks to school, fearful of being teased or hurt. The child tries to avoid the older children, cautious that the teasing is incessant. It makes the child feel depressed and pessimistic. Therefore, action must be taken, especially for the vulnerable children being hassled by others. However, schools’ attempts to put an end to bullying are fruitless, proving that there is no end to bullying.

Schools can hire wellbeing teams. This process assures that students can access support towards the child’s emotional resilience. This method can prove to be effective as it indicates to the bully that it has absolutely no effect upon them. Hence why wellbeing teams are an effective way to stop bullying and support the victim.

Notification to parents may also be an effective way to deal with bullying. This method makes the parents of the victim aware of the situation, resulting in parents being able to support their child and converse with them. It also assists in students becoming fully acknowledgeable of the fact that they are not alone. Evidently, notification to parents is crucial in order to support the student bullied.

Therefore, schools must act immediately to bullying as repercussions, such as depression and anxiety may come into effect later in life. Bullying can be treated in effective ways as listed, which clear proves that bullying can be stopped.

Please and thank you! :D
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on June 03, 2017, 03:53:21 pm
Topic: How should schools deal with bullying?

Every day, a child walks to school, fearful of being teased or hurt. The child tries to avoid the older children, cautious that the teasing is incessant. It makes the child feel depressed and pessimistic. Therefore, action must be taken, especially for the vulnerable children being hassled by others. However, schools’ attempts to put an end to bullying are fruitless, proving that there is no end to bullying.

Schools can hire wellbeing teams. This process assures that students can access support towards the child’s emotional resilience. This method can prove to be effective as it indicates to the bully that it has absolutely no effect upon them. Hence why wellbeing teams are an effective way to stop bullying and support the victim.

Notification to parents may also be an effective way to deal with bullying. This method makes the parents of the victim aware of the situation, resulting in parents being able to support their child and converse with them. It also assists in students becoming fully acknowledgeable of the fact that they are not alone. Evidently, notification to parents is crucial in order to support the student bullied.

Therefore, schools must act immediately to bullying as repercussions, such as depression and anxiety may come into effect later in life. Bullying can be treated in effective ways as listed, which clear proves that bullying can be stopped.

Please and thank you! :D
Positives
-Decent starting sentence
-Introduction clearly outlines contention
-Ideas are pretty solid
-Second body paragraph is pretty good
-Decent conclusion which really ends the essay on a high note

Negatives
-Expression here is a bit clunky "The child tries to avoid the older children, cautious that the teasing is incessant. It makes the child feel depressed and pessimistic."
-"teased" is a bit informal in my opinion
-"access support towards the child’s emotional resilience" This can be phrased better since it's a bit unclear
-"This method can prove to be effective as it indicates to the bully that it has absolutely no effect upon them"
This is another sentence that isn't expressed very well

Overall your ideas are pretty good  :), it's just that at times your expression gets clunky and convoluted. Anyway, keep up the good work and good luck on your entrance exam.  ;D
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 03, 2017, 06:26:07 pm
I stepped forward into nothingness. I was drifting, all my movements useless, weakened to the vacuum of space. The darkness surrounded me, obscuring my vision for a moment. Then light came to view, it emanated from the distant stars. Or at least, the shadow of them, I knew that many of the stars I can see now may have vanquished millions of years ago. The legacy of the stars still exist as glowing dots that create constellations. My rapidly flailing arms were useless to me. I loosened my muscles and let nature take control. Nothing made contact with me, not even my own clothes. I felt blank and my stomach churned. I looked back and saw a sphere, that was dominantly blue with patches of green and streaks of white. This was where I came to existence. It was earth.





I COULDNT THINK OF MUCH -_-
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on June 03, 2017, 07:59:54 pm
I stepped forward into nothingness. I was drifting, all my movements useless, weakened to the vacuum of space. The darkness surrounded me, obscuring my vision for a moment. Then light came to view, it emanated from the distant stars. Or at least, the shadow of them, I knew that many of the stars I can see now may have vanquished millions of years ago. The legacy of the stars still exist as glowing dots that create constellations. My rapidly flailing arms were useless to me. I loosened my muscles and let nature take control. Nothing made contact with me, not even my own clothes. I felt blank and my stomach churned. I looked back and saw a sphere, that was dominantly blue with patches of green and streaks of white. This was where I came to existence. It was earth.

I COULDNT THINK OF MUCH -_-
This has some really good description, but I feel like the major flaw is that it lacks a proper plot and if you want do this type of creative with no plot, you really need to nail the description and make it a lot more detailed. Anyway good job and good luck for your upcoming entrance exam. :)
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: brenden on June 03, 2017, 08:47:03 pm
Pals-- can we get zhen some upvotes?
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: pro(crastinator) on June 04, 2017, 11:22:44 am
Prompt: A picture of an old wooden house

Tim Stilt stood tall at the door of the wrecked house. The creaky wood, smashed windows and graffitied exteriors would scare away most people. Except for Tim. If anything the aged house filled him with love. This house was particularly significant to him.

As he stepped inside memories flew into his head. Tim stumbled at the thought that the home he spent most of his 89 years in would soon be demolished. Dusty frames that hung by a nail revealed images of the late parent he once embraced every day. "How could they demolish such a beloved place? Even after I pleaded on my knees. Must life be so cruel?" he said to himself. Never in his life had he felt such despair.

Grabbing the portrait he ran as fast as his legs could go out of the house. As much as he would have loved to stay and soak up all the details and memories inside, he knew the demolishing crew would come soon. Suddenly a wrecking ball flew into the house. Planks of wood jumped into the air reminding him of how he used to throw his ball inside the house. Although the materials are long gone the memories were here to stay.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on June 04, 2017, 12:06:56 pm
Prompt: A picture of an old wooden house

Tim Stilt stood tall at the door of the wrecked house. The creaky wood, smashed windows and graffitied exteriors would scare away most people. Except for Tim. If anything the aged house filled him with love. This house was particularly significant to him.

As he stepped inside memories flew into his head. Tim stumbled at the thought that the home he spent most of his 89 years in would soon be demolished. Dusty frames that hung by a nail revealed images of the late parent he once embraced every day. "How could they demolish such a beloved place? Even after I pleaded on my knees. Must life be so cruel?" he said to himself. Never in his life had he felt such despair.

Grabbing the portrait he ran as fast as his legs could go out of the house. As much as he would have loved to stay and soak up all the details and memories inside, he knew the demolishing crew would come soon. Suddenly a wrecking ball flew into the house. Planks of wood jumped into the air reminding him of how he used to throw his ball inside the house. Although the materials are long gone the memories were here to stay.
This is pretty amazing and meaninful creative. I'm extremely impressed at your ability to deliver such a great story and interesting story given the time limit. I feel like this was your weakest part of your whole creative.

"How could they demolish such a beloved place? Even after I pleaded on my knees. Must life be so cruel?" he said to himself. Never in his life had he felt such despair.

I feel like you could really describe and show the despair he felt. Like saying tears begain trickling down my face/a wave of grief washed over me.

That said, it's an amazing creative and I feel like it's much better than the creatives I was writing in year 8. Anyway great job and keep up the good work. :)
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: 12345D on June 04, 2017, 01:09:35 pm
Prompt: Should children as young as 14 years old be allowed to hold jobs?

Children of this generation are irresponsible and disruptive. Yet, the government allows children as young as fourteen years of age, to work. This is a rash, absurd decision to be made, hence why it should be overruled.

Children, at the age of fourteen, are still students attending school. Due to their jobs, come children tend to skip classes. Therefore, they also tend to fall behind in classes, resulting in them achieving low grades. Evidently, fourteen-year-old children must not have jobs as it is clear that it has a major effect upon their education.

Teenagers are not experienced enough to work. They have not undertaken any work experience. This could possibly leave shops or businesses unable to serve their consumers wither their products. Having unexperienced workers can also lead to damaging of equipment or potentially even a financial loss. Therefore, as children at the age of fourteen are inexperienced, it would not be suitable for them to be in a working environment.

It is evident that children as young as fourteen years of age, are not ready to work. Their inexperience contribute immensely to the idea that they should not work. Therefore, they are not suitable workers.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: patriciarose on June 05, 2017, 10:41:47 am
super busy right now (and for the next couple weeks aaaaah) but i'll have a shot at correcting your creatives (: most of this will be grammar though, because it's super easy to fix and it makes you look polished and to be totally honest i don't have enough brainpower to correct ideas at the moment.

Creative

A loud rumbling woke me up at 2am, I believed it was odd  and unusual. show, don't tell. aka: A loud, unusual rumbling shook me from sleep in the middle of the night. I looked at the clock, its (don't need an apostrophe because a clock is inanimate) blinking LED numbers the only light in the room, and frowned. It was 2am, that was odd. My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go and investigate. After blindly walking around and quickly checking every room and cupboard, I gave up. ButAs soon as I climbed into my cosy bed sheets, the rumbling grew louder. Extremely disturbed by this, I traced the sound to it's sound is inanimate, cut the apostrophe.origin, the living room. This felt like one of those films, where there was a magic portal that will enable access to another world, and sure enough........there wasn't. okay. couple of things here: three full stops make an ellipses so i'd stop at that. not that you lose marks for this i don't think, but still.  I wandered around the living room, nothing odd was detected, actually nothing much could be detected at all without the aid of a source of light. I swiftly strided strodeto where I assume the light switch to be, but on my second stride a abrupt creaking sound sent shivers down my spine, either full stop here, or a semi colon, or a linking word like 'so.' I looked down and reached my hand underneath the worn out rug, a prized possession of my grandma, who knitted it herself. I felt a rectangular panel. i'm a big believer in showing, not telling. can you say this less directly? After gently moving the rug aside, I threw open the panel. Newly lit torches illuminated a staircase descending into an obscured place. I carefully walked down the cobblestone stairway afraid to encounter any kind of trap. Instead I found a ghastly looking door with a key already inserted into the keyhole, as if the door itself was inviting me to open it. nice. I anxiously turned the handle and on the other side of the door was my grandma, furiously knitting something, she seemed to be in a trance...   ( I DUNNO WOT I WAZZ THINKING????)   PLZ GIMME TIPS AND SUGGESTIONS> ALSO SUGGEST A BETTER ENDING> THX

i... also don't know what you were thinking omg. i had no idea where you were going and tbh i still don't, um, so my suggestion would literally be to not go super-paranormal unless you have a resolution planned. (: otherwise, not bad, i think you need more description and more direction (ie. where the heck were you going) but there are good aspects that i haven't commented on because my period ends super soon ahaha. good luck with the exam (:
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: patriciarose on June 05, 2017, 11:01:58 am
Pals-- can we get zhen some upvotes?

seconded, thirded, fourthed – he's marking everything and it deserves all the +1s!

Prompt: A picture of an old wooden house

Tim Stilt stood tall at the door of the wrecked house. The creaky wood, smashed windows and graffitied exteriors would scare away most people. Except for Tim. If anything the aged house filled him with love. This house was particularly significant to him.

As he stepped inside memories flew into his head. Tim stumbled at the thought that the home he hadspent most of his 89 years in would soon be demolished. Dusty frames that hung by a nail revealed images of the late parent he once embraced every day. "How could they demolish such a beloved place? Even after I pleaded on my knees. Must life be so cruel?" he said to himself. could probably replace said with wondered incredulously or something, it's a little more emotive. Never in his life had he felt such despair.

Grabbing the portrait commahe ran as fast as his legs could go out of the house. As much as he would have loved to stay and soak up all the details and memories inside, he knew the demolishing crew would come soon. i mean, not to nitpick, but they are probably going to make sure an old man isn't inside the house before they start messing around with wrecking balls, but still. also, i have quite a limited sample size but i have not yet met an 89 year old who can run. also, i feel like he could have left slowly, savouring his last fleeting moments in the house for extra emotion etc – but again, i'm literally only picking on this because there's really nothing else to point out haha. Suddenly a wrecking ball flew into the house. Planks of wood jumped into the air reminding him of how he used to throw his ball inside the house. Although the materials are long gone the memories were here to stay. this does bring it to a close quite well tbh. impressive for 15 minutes!
so this is really very good for 15min (and even not for 15 min tbh, like i'm sure people would struggle to get near this quality in half an hour) and it's pretty obvious i had nothing concrete to suggest. good job! (:

Prompt: Should children as young as 14 years old be allowed to hold jobs?

Children of this generation are irresponsible and disruptive. Yet, the government allows children as young as fourteen years of age, this comma is confusing me. either stick another one after children or remove it. to work. This is a rash, absurd good adjectives. decision to be made, hence why it should be overruled.

Children, at the age of fourteen, are still students attending school. Due to their jobs, come children tend to skip classes. Therefore, they also tend to fall behind in classes, resulting in them achieving low grades. Evidently, fourteen-year-old children must not have jobs as it is clear that it has a major effect upon their education. this is not a bad argument except for the fact that i am 99% sure that you can't employ children to work in school hours on a school day. however, you could probably go the whole 'after school jobs take up valuable time that would otherwise be used for homework and developing their own sense of self etc etc' route.

Teenagers are not experienced enough to work. They have not undertaken any work experience. This could possibly leave shops or businesses unable to serve their consumers wither that's not a word in this context and idk what to replace it with oops.
 unless you mean with actually because that would work. their products. Having unexperienced workers can also lead to damaging of equipment or potentially even a financial loss. Therefore, as children at the age of fourteen are inexperienced, it would not be suitable for them to be in a working environment.

It is evident that children as young as fourteen years of age, are not ready to work. Their inexperience contribute immensely to the idea that they should not work. Therefore, they are not suitable workers. ...and the law that allows them to do so is outdated/should be overruled. (:
your argument progresses logically and i like this (: hopefully someone who is actually good at persuasive pieces will mark this too though because i hate them and i'm sure they could give you better feedback! good luck with the test though (:
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 05, 2017, 01:34:03 pm
LEEOR ROSE
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 05, 2017, 03:57:38 pm
Uniforms are compulsory in most schools in Australia, but what really is the point of forcing students to wear a thick blazer to school on a hot day. Set uniforms oppose the idea of everyone being unique and creates an monotonous environment for students.

Parents and teachers continuously ramble about everyone being unique. Is uniqueness really shown by forcibly making students wear matching outfits? Wouldn't a better display of difference be casual clothes? What people wear represents their beliefs, hobbies and personalities. Unless someone "wants" to wear school uniform, which is improbable. Because matching clothing opposes uniqueness it should not be forcefully subjected to students.

Nobody wants to study in a stereotypical classroom. Where blazers dominate the classroom and everything is the same. Everyone has the same hairstyle, and everyone is wearing "school uniform". If school uniform policies were abolished, it is obvious that everyone will be sporting their desired clothing which is surely more comfortable than the blazer. To avoid a monotonous classroom school uniforms shouldn't be required.

Some may argue that uniforms represent school pride, but is pride represented when everyone is the same? Is the any pride in opposing uniqueness?

That delineates everything and it is concluded, that due to the lack of uniqueness of the uncomfortable uniform that ultimately creates boring and tedious lessons. The school uniform policy should unequivocally be removed.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: Joseph41 on June 05, 2017, 04:11:38 pm
Note: never sat an exam for a selective school and didn't go to one, so take feedback with a grain of salt. :)

Uniforms are compulsory in most schools in Australia, Are they? but what really is the point of forcing students to wear a thick blazer to school on a hot day. This seems like a question to me (even though it's rhetorical) - so make sure you use the appropriate symbols (a question mark in this case). Set uniforms oppose the idea of everyone being unique and creates an monotonous This should be "a monotonous" rather than "an monotonous" environment for students.

Parents and teachers continuously A minor point, but I think you may mean "continually". Continuously means without stopping - continually remeans often, at regular intervals. ramble about everyone being unique. Is uniqueness really shown by forcibly making students wear matching outfits? Wouldn't a better display of difference be casual clothes? What people wear represents their beliefs, hobbies and personalities. Unless someone "wants" to wear school uniform, which is improbable. This last sentence seems a little informal to me, because it's not a full sentence. It feels like it's missing something. Because matching clothing opposes uniqueness it should not be forcefully subjected to students.

Nobody wants to study in a stereotypical classroom. Where blazers dominate the classroom and everything is the same. The same thing here. It's possibly a stylistic choice, but these "half sentences" (like the last one before this comment) make your piece feel a little disjointed. Everyone has the same hairstyle, and everyone is wearing "school uniform". If school uniform policies were abolished, it is obvious that everyone will be sporting their desired clothing which is surely more comfortable than the blazer. To avoid a monotonous classroom school uniforms shouldn't be required.

Some may argue that uniforms represent school pride, but is pride represented when everyone is the same? Is the any pride in opposing uniqueness?

That delineates everything and it is concluded, that due to the lack of uniqueness of the uncomfortable uniform that ultimately creates boring and tedious lessons. Not a big fan of this sentence! It feels a little cluttered to me. I'd try to avoid what is called the passive voice (such as when you say "it is concluded"). I also don't think you need to note that you're concluding something - a good conclusion suggests that inherently. :) The school uniform policy should unequivocally be removed.

Overall feedback:
- You have a clear contention, which is great!
- There's a logical enough progression of arguments (you introduce the topic, then say what you think)
- I liked the use of rhetorical questions (they got me thinking about the topic), but I think you possibly overuse them a little
- I'd try to avoid those sentence fragments (what I referred to as "half sentences"), because it makes your piece sound a little conversational

Well done. :)
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 05, 2017, 04:32:17 pm
MY TWO FRIENDS WANTED TO COMPETE WITH ME SO THEY DID SPACE PROMPT AS WELL

RATE WHO S IS BETTER


Friend 1: 5 MIN
I was in this amazing place filled with stars. I could see planets, I stepped onto the moon for the first time. As I took my first step a cloud of dust formed around my space shoes. This galaxy blue world seemed like were I belonged. I saw a meteor, it was coming my way, blue streaks trailing behind it, it came closer and closer. I could not escape. It came thundering down with an inferno behind it. I was doomed.

Friend 2: 6 MIN
I stepped into the black, empty galaxy. A rope tightened around my waist which secured me to our spaceship. The freezing air turned my body numb and ice cold. Large, deformed rocks flew past me into the black nothingness. The stars gleamed brightly and contrasted the black, empty galaxy. My breathing was heavy as I drifted around ever so slowly. I turned to find my eyes blinded by the spaceship that glowed white, surrounded by a black galaxy. I returned to the ship and seated myself in the cockpit. This was only the start of my everlasting journey to Mars.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on June 05, 2017, 04:47:18 pm
MY TWO FRIENDS WANTED TO COMPETE WITH ME SO THEY DID SPACE PROMPT AS WELL

RATE WHO S IS BETTER


Friend 1: 5 MIN
I was in this amazing place filled with stars. I could see planets, I stepped onto the moon for the first time. As I took my first step a cloud of dust formed around my space shoes. This galaxy blue world seemed like were I belonged. I saw a meteor, it was coming my way, blue streaks trailing behind it, it came closer and closer. I could not escape. It came thundering down with an inferno behind it. I was doomed.

Friend 2: 6 MIN
I stepped into the black, empty galaxy. A rope tightened around my waist which secured me to our spaceship. The freezing air turned my body numb and ice cold. Large, deformed rocks flew past me into the black nothingness. The stars gleamed brightly and contrasted the black, empty galaxy. My breathing was heavy as I drifted around ever so slowly. I turned to find my eyes blinded by the spaceship that glowed white, surrounded by a black galaxy. I returned to the ship and seated myself in the cockpit. This was only the start of my everlasting journey to Mars.
In my opinion it's you>friend 2>friend 1 but that's just my opinion
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 05, 2017, 04:49:38 pm
 HAHAHAHHHAHHAHHAHAH "friend one is so triggered" ahaha 8)  ;) ;)
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: pro(crastinator) on June 06, 2017, 05:32:53 pm
Prompt: Space

Twinkling specks of light surrounded me as I drifted away from the spacecraft. Twilight coloured flares slowly danced with the stars. My surroundings easily satisfied my mind. Never did I truly believe that the make believe games of pretending to be an astronaut would come to life. Now I truly know how it feels. How it feels for your dreams to come true.

Demanding screams interrupted my moment of bliss. "Code red! I repeat code red! Retreat now!" yelled my earpiece. A black void that seemed to consume all light around it appeared to my left. My mouth formed a circle and brows jumped and arched at the terrible sight. This was not part of my dreams. The dark monster seemed to grow and head towards me. But my muscles seemed to freeze.

Training did not prepare me for this. I felt a hard tug. Is this the end? Am I really going to die this way? However I was pulled towards to spacecraft, not the monster. Phew.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 06, 2017, 08:23:24 pm
GG IM LUCKY IM NOT COMPETING WITH U... I'D BE err F***ed
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 06, 2017, 08:46:07 pm
Prompt: Get Out Of The Car With Your Hands Up

My past flickered through my brain. A montage of all the exciting, boring, good and bad moments of my life, but none of which explained how it resulted like this. Even I, who could weave through the complicated maze that had become my life. I couldn't understand, where or how it began it's downfall. In truth, I know at one fork in my life, I chose the wrong way. I began drinking, and soon after making contact with illicit substances, of course I wasn't stupid enough to actually consume it, I was a dealer. Soon my thirst for money overpowered my common sense. Now look at me, I have a distorted face, a messed up brain, and worst of all...a severe criminal record. Why must fate do this? Why me? My contemplating was stopped by the sirens which were seemingly close to me. I accelerated, desperate to escape into a place far away, from this damned world anyway. Yet the whirring of sirens continued, it's volume slowly increasing, echoing in my brain.

I gave up, I no matter how fast I run, I couldn't run away from the truth. I killed...no, murdered a woman, who most likely had a family. One that would hate me to death. In the rush of the moment, I had unhesitatingly pulled the trigger, not imagining the consequences. A sudden impact from behind my car sent it lurching forward. I braced for impact, squinting my eyes and holding my arms over my face. Surprisingly all that I felt was a soft thud. I looked up in amazement. I didn't know the car I hijacked (Get it? My name hahahah (⸟ᴥ⸟)  sorry that was really cringey humor)had emergency cushioning. My train of thought was stopped on it's tracks ( I couldnt help it lol TRAIN TRACKS?? AHAHHAHAHAHAH  ;D ) by a loud blaring voice:"GET OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP." I reluctantly released myself from my tightly bounded seat belt and clambered off the car. A vice grip forced my hands into cuffs, I was then grabbed and hauled into a police car.       

A BIT CLICHEEEEEEE but meh I ran out of time so I couldnt think of good ending





SoRRY FOR PUTTING U THRU HELL WITH THE JOKES
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: GalacticProcess on June 07, 2017, 04:58:23 pm
Hey guys,
There hasn't been any recent activity on the thread "Suzanne Cory high school essays".
It would be great if some of you guys can read some of my essays and help me out.

Thanks!
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 07, 2017, 07:33:27 pm
Bruh same here. Dont push it. We're the ones at their debt, not vice versa
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: 12345D on June 07, 2017, 08:16:21 pm
Topic: Imagine Being Left In A Room With A Box Which Said "Do Not Open"

The cube box was lit by the moon. Sam’s fingers traced the box’s edges. It was smooth, but hard. In the middle of each face was a jewel. On the top face, instead of a jewel, there was a sign.

“Do not open!” it read.

Sam sat next to the box, resisting the urge to open it. He played with his fingers, trying to digress his mind from the box. He even bit his tongue to distract himself
.
However, after fruitless attempts to divert his attention away from the box, curiosity finally struck him.

He turned to face the box once again. His hands slowly reached for the box. They trembled. Fear and curiosity fought for dominance in his mind.

Do not open it, he thought. No, do it!

Eventually, Sam could not resist his desire to reveal what was under the box.

Each one of his hands were placed on the sides of the box.

“Ready, Sam?” he asked himself. “Three, two, one...”

He lifted the box. It was empty.

Sam flushed. He had made a scene over the box, despite its emptiness.

He smiled.

Unbelievable, he thought.


Please give feedback for this writing piece. It was done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for MHS test. It would very much be appreciated if this is done as soon as possible. thank you.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on June 07, 2017, 08:21:43 pm
Prompt: Space

Twinkling specks of light surrounded me as I drifted away from the spacecraft. Twilight coloured flares slowly danced with the stars. My surroundings easily satisfied my mind. Never did I truly believe that the make believe games of pretending to be an astronaut would come to life. Now I truly know how it feels. How it feels for your dreams to come true.

Demanding screams interrupted my moment of bliss. "Code red! I repeat code red! Retreat now!" yelled my earpiece. A black void that seemed to consume all light around it appeared to my left. My mouth formed a circle and brows jumped and arched at the terrible sight. This was not part of my dreams. The dark monster seemed to grow and head towards me. But my muscles seemed to freeze.

Training did not prepare me for this. I felt a hard tug. Is this the end? Am I really going to die this way? However I was pulled towards to spacecraft, not the monster. Phew.
Really good description, but there are times when your expression isn't optimal. Here are some examples
Never did I truly believe that the make believe games of pretending to be an astronaut would come to life.
However I was pulled towards to spacecraft, not the monster. Phew.

Also, I'm not quite sure what happened at the end.
Edit: Heaps of SACs next week and the week after (5 SACs), so I'm not going to be very active and probs won't be able to correct many if any more essays.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: pro(crastinator) on June 07, 2017, 09:14:49 pm
Topic: Should cities offer three public wifi?

Over the years wifi has become important in modern society. Now more and more cities and places are offering free wifi. This decision has largely benefited society and will continue to do so as the internet advances and even more essential. This essay will demonstrate why cities should offer free public wifi.

Free public wifi helps students who do not have access to the internet at home. Unfortunately not all families can afford wifi. This can be a large problem due to the fact that for many it is essential for their studies. With technology advancing and becoming an immense part of many jobs, students need wifi in order to train for the jobs of the future. Free wifi in cities would be a large help with their studies.

Free wifi in cities would attract more visitors. With technology's swift growth in popularity there is no wonder why more places are offering free wifi. Cafes, libraries, and malls are just a few places that often offer wifi. This is because there is evidence that proves that wifi attracts customers of all ages. Some places even dedicate their business to the internet. There is no doubt that if cities offer free wifi the amount of visitors will grow.

In conclusion, it is clear that cities should offer free public wifi. It would attract more people and help students with their studies.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 07, 2017, 09:35:05 pm
Topic: Should cities offer three public wifi?

Over the years wifi has become important in modern society. Now more and more cities and places are offering free wifi. This decision has largely benefited society and will continue to do so as the internet advances and even more essential. This essay will demonstrate why cities should offer free public wifi.

Free public wifi helps students who do not have access to the internet at home. Unfortunately not all families can afford wifi. This can be a large problem due to the fact that for many it is essential for their studies. With technology advancing and becoming an immense part of many jobs, students need wifi in order to train for the jobs of the future. Free wifi in cities would be a large help with their studies.

Free wifi in cities would attract more visitors. With technology's swift growth in popularity there is no wonder why more places are offering free wifi. Cafes, libraries, and malls are just a few places that often offer wifi. This is because there is evidence that proves that wifi attracts customers of all ages. Some places even dedicate their business to the internet. There is no doubt that if cities offer free wifi the amount of visitors will grow.

In conclusion, it is clear that cities should offer free public wifi. It would attract more people and help students with their studies.

IT ALSO ATTRACTS PRO GAMER'S ;)
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: patriciarose on June 07, 2017, 09:54:51 pm
Prompt: Get Out Of The Car With Your Hands Up

My past flickered through my brain. maybe connect these two sentences? better flow, plus you don't want the reader to pause between reading the sentences because you lose a bit of the emotion you're trying to get them to feel, i think. eg. ... through my brain: a montage ...  A montage of all the exciting, boring, good and bad moments of my life, but none of which explained how it resulted like this.  i feel like this could be said better maybe?  Even I, who could weave through the complicated maze niiiiicethat had become my life.  here, cut the full stop, make it a comma, cut the 'I' because grammar haha. if you reread that sentence, you've basically started it, and then cut it off. even you could what? nobody knows because you've stopped the sentence haha. I couldn't understand, where or how it began it's downfall. In truth, I know at one fork in my life, I chose the wrong way. so, you've said that you don't know what went wrong, and now you're saying you do. instead, you could maybe say that you suppose you know, or that you didn't want to understand, or literally anything that doesn't exactly contradict what you're about to say.  I began drinking, and soon after making contact with illicit substances, of course I wasn't stupid enough to actually consume it, I was a dealer. content wise, nice. grammar wise, the of course part doesn't work. that's kind of an aside (like, you're saying 'by the way i didn't actually do drugs'), so you could put it in hyphens? like: '... soon after making contact with illicit substances – of course, i wasn't stupid enough to actually consume them (you said it but you're talking about multiple substances so it'd be plural), but I was a dealer.' or:  Soon my thirst for money overpowered my common sense. very nice ooh. Now look at me, I have a distorted face, a messed up brain, and worst of all...a severe criminal record. Why must fate do this? Why me?  this feels less strong than the rest. i've said it a couple times and i can't get it to flow, but possibly if you said, 'Why must fate do this? I wondered.' idk? it's clunky phrasing but not necessarily bad haha. i'm being nitpicky oops.  My contemplating was stopped by the sirens which were seemingly close to me. i feel like this is veering a little close to telling instead of showing, maybe stick an adjective in front of sirens (screeching, ear-piercing, etc) or even an adverb in front of stopped (abruptly, quickly). i don't like giving that advice because sometimes people go and put adjectives in front of every word and it starts sounding like stories kids in grade one write when they're just learning adjectives, but you've had a couple short sentences before this one that are very sort of quick, so a little bit of extra imagery in this one would be nice. again, nitpicky as heck.  I accelerated, desperate to escape into a place far away, from this damned world anyway. Yet the whirring of sirens continued, it's (technically the sirens whirring are inanimate, so you don't give them the apostrophe: it'd be 'its.' but then again this is super picky and so many people do this as adults so probably ignore me omg. volume slowly increasing, echoing in my brain. yes yes yes good niiiiice.

I gave up,  full stop?  I no matter how fast I run, I couldn't run away from the truth. I killed... if you want the reader to pause, use the ellipses you have. if you want a more jolted transition, i'd switch that for a hyphen (–). stylistic thing – i was going to straight up tell you to make it a hyphen, but idk. no, murdered a woman, who most likely had a family. One that would hate me to death. In the rush of the moment, I had unhesitatingly pulled the trigger, not imagining the consequences.  good. you've made me feel for both family and killer, good job (: A sudden impact from behind my car sent it lurching forward. I braced for impact, squinting my eyes and holding my arms over my face. Surprisingly all that I felt was a soft thud. I looked up in amazement. I didn't know the car I hijacked (Get it? My name hahahah (⸟ᴥ⸟)  sorry that was really cringey humor) omghad emergency cushioning. My train of thought was stopped on it's tracks ( I couldnt help it lol TRAIN TRACKS?? AHAHHAHAHAHAH  ;D ) by a loud blaring voice:"GET OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP." I reluctantly released myself from my tightly bounded seat belt and clambered off out of haha. unless he's like, on top of the car, in which case that is a massive plot twist omg. but also impossible so don't do that.  the car. A vice grip forced my hands into cuffs, I was then grabbed and hauled into a police car.  at the end it's starting to be very tell instead of show (gramar is yuck but), maybe connect two of those sentences just to change it up a little? my rule of thumb tends to be that if you're starting to sound like a textbook, you need to fiddle with a few sentences to get some fluidity in there. mix it up (:      

A BIT CLICHEEEEEEE but meh I ran out of time so I couldnt think of good ending
yeah it got cliche at the end but i figured you were running out of time and honestly, i was expecting you to kill him, which would've been even more cliche, so i liked the ending (: i was super nitpicky with my comments so please don't take them the wrong way omg, this is really good and i'm sure you'll do really well on the exam! good luck (:

SoRRY FOR PUTTING U THRU HELL WITH THE JOKES ahahaha you shOULD be ;)
Topic: Imagine Being Left In A Room With A Box Which Said "Do Not Open"

The cube box was lit by the moon. note: your prompt says in a room. does the room have no roof? if so, please stop telling me about the box and tell me about than phenomenon instead omg. if it does have a roof, where are you getting the moonlight? is it streaming in through a window? i'd maybe mention that, because the person marking this will definitely know the prompt and idk if they're mean enough to makr you down for that, but i just wouldn't risk it haha.  Sam’s fingers traced the box’s edges. It was smooth, but hard. In the middle of each face was a jewel. On the top face, instead of a jewel, there was a sign. a lot of short sentences, and you could connect two of them with a comma and an and. like this. when i get tired i start trying to be clever omg, and it always turns out really badly. ;)

“Do not open!” it read.

Sam sat next to the box, resisting the urge to open it. He played with his fingers, trying to digress his mind from the box. He even bit his tongue to distract himself
. that is not the detail i was expecting whoa but okay. it works.
However, after fruitless attempts to divert his attention away from the box, curiosity finally struck him. struck sounds like it's hitting him for the first time, which it obviously isn't, since he's stroking the box and literally biting his tongue (that detail is really growing on me omg) to distract himself from opening it. so maybe trying overwhelmed or something like that instead of struck?

He turned to face the box once again. His hands slowly reached for the box. They trembled. see i was going to complain about short sentences but oh boy, two word sentences are so good (in moderation obviously). that is so much better than saying 'his trembling hands' or anything else. good job.  Fear and curiosity fought for dominance in his mind. niiiice.

Do not open it, he thought. No, do it!

Eventually, Sam could not resist his desire to reveal what was under the box.

Each one of his hands were placed on the sides of the box.

“Ready, Sam?” he asked himself. “Three, two, one...”

He lifted the box. It was empty.

Sam flushed. okay, so i know you mean he's embarrassed, but you have a series of short sentences, and if you're not going to add a little more description ('Sam flushed, his cheeks stained red with embarrassment.') at least say he flushed with embarrassment. or something. give me a little more.  He had made a scene over the box, despite its emptiness.

doesn't relate. you go straight from embarrassed to smiling? have to break it up a little bit. even, 'But then, he smiled.' just anything to make sure i don't go into the last line thinking he's still super embarrassed. He smiled.

Unbelievable, he thought.
 
i'd like more than the ambiguous ending, realistically. but 15 minutes is awful and this is pretty good!

Please give feedback for this writing piece. It was done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for MHS test. It would very much be appreciated if this is done as soon as possible. thank you. took me a little while, sorry. hope the comments are okay, i'm always very picky but i did like this. to improve, maybe try a little more description. your vocabulary and plot were fine though! good luck with the test (:

Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: 12345D on June 08, 2017, 08:57:49 am
thanks. feedback was helpful.
Title: Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: 12345D on June 08, 2017, 11:48:55 am
Topic: Should People Downloading Music And Movies Illegally Be Punished?

Every day, people listen to music and watch movies. Some do it for leisure, some for jobs and some to relax. However, how do they obtain these movies and music? Do they download from online without purchasing it? If so, this can be classified as a criminal act. Thus, they should be punished.

Downloading from online without purchasing beforehand is illegal. It is against the law. Yet people still continue to do this act. If people are allowed to do an illegal act even as minor as this one, they may see the law as weak and unnecessary. As a result of this, people should face consequences if they download illegally.

Some may suggest that entertainment companies already make an inordinate amount of money; hence why people continue to download illegally. Consequently, entertainment companies can face vast losses, resulting in them being in debt to their sponsor. Thus, people downloading can cause gargantuan losses for companies. Therefore, people illegally downloading must be punished.

Due to potential financial loss to entertainment companies and breaking the law, it would be necessary for punishments to be received in order to stop this act from occurring.

Please give feedback for this piece. This was also done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for mhs test. i would really appreciate it. thank you.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here for Selective Exam Practice [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: Jonodabeast on June 08, 2017, 10:16:10 pm
Should Social Media Accounts Be Monitored By Schools In The Name Of Cyber Bullying?

Social media is used everyday very frequently by many students around the world. Social media can be the beginning of bullying and therefore must be monitored by schools. Schools should be allowed to monitor students social media accounts as schools can prevent cyber bullying as well as make sure it is used appropriately.
 
Schools can prevent cyber bullying from occurring if social media is monitored. Everyday several hundreds of people around the world suffer from cyber bullying over social media. Social media is extremely easy to access and use and so bullies find it perfect for bullying for pleasure as well as so they can remain anonymous. Schools must monitor social media accounts in order to prevent cyber bullying.

In addition, schools must be allowed to access social media accounts to prevent inappropriate posting. A key way for bullies to bully online is by posting inappropriate images or words in which can discomfort the bullies victim. However if schools were to regularly check these accounts then cyber bullying would not start as often. Schools must monitor students social media to prevent bullying.

It is commonly argued that social media can contain private images in which people may not want their school to view. Schools must monitor these accounts as this can stop cyber bullying. What could people possibly post that the school would care about unless it's inappropriate? Social media must be monitored by schools.

Overall, schools must monitor social media accounts. Schools have the power to prevent the posting of inappropriate things which may lead to cyber bullying. Cyber bullying must be stopped and if schools check these accounts, it would not be as frequent. Schools must be able to monitor students social media accounts in the name of cyber bullying!

P.s Please Give Back ALL The Constructive Criticism You Can Throw At Me And I Do Realise I Have Used Monitor Way Too Much In This. :D 
Title: Re: Send Essays Here for Selective Exam Practice [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on June 09, 2017, 04:57:38 pm
Topic: Should cities offer three public wifi?

Over the years wifi has become important in modern society. Now more and more cities and places are offering free wifi. This decision has largely benefited society and will continue to do so as the internet advances and even more essential. This essay will demonstrate why cities should offer free public wifi. This is not needed in my opinion

Free public wifi helps students who do not have access to the internet at home. Unfortunately not all families can afford wifi. This can be a large problem due to the fact that for many it is essential for their studies. With technology advancing and becoming an immense part of many jobs, students need wifi in order to train for the jobs of the future. Free wifi in cities would be a large help with their studies. Could improve by exploring how it helps students rather than just assuming that it does. Like talk about how it gives them a massive amount of information and stuff like that

Free wifi in cities would attract more visitors. With technology's swift growth in popularity there is no wonder why more places are offering free wifi. Cafes, libraries, and malls are just a few places that often offer wifi. This is because there is evidence that proves that wifi attracts customers of all ages. Some places even dedicate their business to the internet. There is no doubt that if cities offer free wifi the amount of visitors will grow. Maybe talk about the benefits of having more visitors, since this paragraph doesn't really make the point persuasive as it doesn't talk about the benefits of attracting more visitors.

In conclusion, it is clear that cities should offer free public wifi. It would attract more people and help students with their studies.
Overall great essay. Keep up the great work.  ;D Sorry my feedback is brief. I have heaps of SACs next week.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here for Selective Exam Practice [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 09, 2017, 08:42:34 pm
I looked through my translucent window, 100 meters down, cars were emitting greenhouse gases and pollution had converged over the sunlight. People were wearing gas masks everywhere. I dreamed of going to another place, maybe a lush green field or a fertile rain forest. Regardless of where I go. I vowed to never go by any means of transportation that would assist in creating a monotonous artificial place like this.

A ship came to mind, a grand vessel, run by a thousand men. I would stand abaft the stern ot the ship. Staring out into the vast blue ocean. The ship, made purely out of natural resources was stockpiled will an adequate amount of food. She was called "Fly". Her sails drifted through the wind, flitting back and forth.

I arrived at the desired land. It was a grassy plain, free of burden from human greed. The sunlight emanating a holy light, representing the warmth of mother earth. My daydream finished, bringing me back to the present. My dream about the past was indeed beautiful. Far batter than the present could ever hope to be.

The ship will always remain in my mind, an untouchable beauty. It would always remain with me as a symbol of majestic grace. This is a miserable message to the people of the past. Keep the world the way it is or you'll be asphyxiating from breathing toxic fumes like methane. KEEP EARTH CLEAN!!






This was crap
Title: Re: Send Essays Here for Selective Exam Practice [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: patriciarose on June 09, 2017, 09:40:16 pm
if you do another one of these, can you give me the prompt next time? (: otherwise i have no clue if you're sticking to it enough haha.

I looked through my translucent um, so, translucent is a great word to have in your vocabulary, but a translucent window is not something you can see clearly through. think of glazing or something like that: you can pick out shapes generally, if they're close up, but not distinctly like you go on to describe. you can't discern a gas mask through a translucent window unless the person is super close omg. window,i'd make this comma a colon (:) 100 meters down, cars were emitting greenhouse gases and pollution had converged over the sunlight. description is nice!People were wearing gas masks everywhere. I dreamed of going to another place, maybe a lush green field or a fertile rain forest. also pretty description. you're good at thatRegardless of where I go.probably a typo, but comma instead of full stop I vowed to never go by any means of transportation that would assist in creating a monotonous artificial place like this.

A ship came to mind, a grand vessel, run by a thousand men. I would stand abaft the stern ot the ship. i don't quite understand why you've stopped the sentence here tbh, just comma and continue it. too many full stops break up the flow of your work, and also it's just more grammatically correct not to start sentences that are only a clause long with a verb haha.  Staring out into the vast blue ocean. The ship, made purely out of natural resources was stockpiled will an adequate amount of food. She was called "Fly". Her sails drifted through the wind, flitting back and forth this is all nice but you could possibly describe her sails 'like wings' as well? i'm pretty sure markers like similes haha. this is just a suggestion, though, because your description is very nice. .

I arrived at the desired land. It was a grassy plain, free of burden from human greed. The sunlight emanating a holy light, representing the warmth of mother earth. okay, so. that is not a complete sentence. if you'd said 'was emanating' or 'emanated' then it would be, but just emanating doesn't cut it. i'm honestly not sure how to explain this oops, but if you read it out loud, the way you've put it sounds incomplete, and the others don't. (if this makes no sense, let me know and i'll look up a source for you haha. but this is probably super pointless because it's unlikely you'll lose marks for it unless you're in maybe year eleven? idk what the standard is.) My daydream finished, bringing me back to the present. My dream about the past was indeed beautiful. Far batter than the present could ever hope to be. this is another incomplete sentence but it sounds fine in the context, so. just pointing it out haha.

The ship will always remain in my mind, an untouchable beauty. It would will or would? one is present tense and one is past: pick your tense and stick to it. (for the record, you're primarily in past for this whole thing, so would is right.) always remain with me as a symbol of majestic grace. This is a miserable message to the people of the past. maybe colon (:) instead of full stop? because then you're saying: this is my message. otherwise you'd be saying. this is my message. the former just sounds better because there's no dislocation between you announcing you have a message and you actually saying the message. Keep the world the way it is or you'll be asphyxiating from breathing toxic fumes like methane. KEEP EARTH CLEAN!!

so, like, there is very little plot here, but i don't know what the prompt is so i'm not going to comment on that. your description is very good! my advice would be to make sure you pick a tense and stick to it for continuity's sake (also a lot of people fluctuate and it just makes their writing look very amateurish, so if you get it right you look great ahaha). not sure if i've marked anything for you before, but if not i should probably repeat that most of the time i don't comment on things i like which makes all my comments quite critical, but i did really like reading this! good luck with the test (:

This was crap omg if this is crap i'd hate to see what you'd label my work from years ago as  :P you're doing a lot better than fine!
Title: Re: Send Essays Here for Selective Exam Practice [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: zhen on June 09, 2017, 10:08:26 pm
Topic: Should People Downloading Music And Movies Illegally Be Punished?

Every day, people listen to music and watch movies. Some do it for leisure, some for jobs and some to relax. However, how do they obtain these movies and music? Do they download from online without purchasing it? If so, this can be classified as a criminal act. Feel like this sounds more like a speech and would prefer a strong statement like downloading music and movies is an illegal act that must be punished. I feel like if you want to take this approach, rhetorical questions are better for stuff like do you think that stealing someone's hard work is right?  Thus, they should be punished.

Downloading from online without purchasing beforehand is illegal. It is against the law. Yet people still continue to do this act. If people are allowed to do an illegal act even as minor as this one, they may see the law as weak and unnecessary. As a result of this, people should face consequences if they download illegally.
Ok point, but topic sentence should start off with the main idea that if people are allowed to disobey the laws now, then they may do it later. Really start it off from the start of the paragraph so you can explore it more.

Some may suggest that entertainment companies already make an inordinate amount of money; hence why people continue to download illegally. Consequently, entertainment companies can face vast losses, resulting in them being in debt to their sponsor. Thus, people downloading can cause gargantuan losses for companies. Therefore, people illegally downloading must be punished.
Again I'd prefer if the topic sentence outlined the arguments. Also show the effects of these losses like companies going bankrupt and people losing jobs, which makes it more effective

Due to potential financial loss to entertainment companies and breaking the law, it would be necessary for punishments to be received in order to stop this act from occurring.

Please give feedback for this piece. This was also done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for mhs test. i would really appreciate it. thank you.
Overall solid piece but could use a few touch ups. Anyway good job.  :)
Title: Re: Send Essays Here for Selective Exam Practice [NEED CHECKERS]
Post by: jz27 on June 10, 2017, 08:44:19 am
Schools want to be allowed to check and monitor the social media accounts of students in the name of cyber bullying, but all it is is a chance for dishonest teachers to stalk students. Social media accounts contain things that are confidential to students, and maybe their cohort of friends. Should cyber bullying ever occur, monitoring social media will have little effect anyway.

We all have embarrassing photos that we want to be limited to ourselves and our friends. Giving teachers access is deemed as an invasion of our personal information. From your address, your phone number, to the small things like your hobbies. If that knowledge fell into the hands of wrong people, they have you playing at their palm. Making you under their control. Who knows whether or not the school has some unjust people who are willing to reveal your information of a wad of cash. To avoid a leak of private information and photos, schools should not have the right to gain access to the social media accounts of students.

Bullying, can it really be avoided if social media of students are monitored? Any smart bully would avoid cyber bullying on common social media apps. Not only that, the inability to bully people online can quickly turn physical. With chances of causing more damage than there originally would have been. To make sure cyber bullying doesn't turn physical and because monitoring social media won't be of much help either, schools should not be able to see the accounts of students.

It is unequivocally evident that giving schools access to social media accounts will not help prevent cyber bullying. Should a school request access, it should be unarguably denied.

I did this with @Jonodabeast and @Vrushank and @H.Dinnez at school i am also aware that I overused some words and this essay was a bit chunky. THANK YOU FOR READING AND HAVE A GOOD LONG WEEKEND !!!
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 10, 2017, 09:54:47 pm
GUYS NEW TOPIC
 I NEVER WANTED TO BE A SUPERHERO UNTIL ONE DAY.......
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: pro(crastinator) on June 10, 2017, 10:05:51 pm
Topic: Schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options

Obesity is a rising problem badly affecting people around the world. It commonly begins at a young age when kids get used to having an unhealthy diet. There is no denying that unhealthy food served at school has contributed to this problem. There would be great results if schools were to only serve healthy meals.

If schools were only allowed to serve healthy meals kids would get used to eating healthy. Bad habits will continue unless stopped. Serving healthy food would stop children from eating unhealthy foods. Many families around Australis have continued to have an unhealthy diet for generations. Getting their kids to eat well would stop this horrible pattern.

If schools were to only serve healthy meals the rate of obesity would shrink. Obesity is a dangerous dilemma. It can cause diabetes, early death, depression and the inability to walk for an amount of time. The cause of obesity is an unhealthy diet. Getting kids to eat well would help them avoid these terrible things.

In conclusion, schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options. It would get kids into the habit of healthy eating and would decrease the rate of obesity.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: zhen on June 11, 2017, 11:54:26 am
Should Social Media Accounts Be Monitored By Schools In The Name Of Cyber Bullying?

Social media is used everyday very frequently by many students around the world. Social media can be the beginning of bullying and therefore must be monitored by schools. Schools should be allowed to monitor students social media accounts as schools can prevent cyber bullying as well as make sure it is used appropriately.
 
Schools can prevent cyber bullying from occurring if social media is monitored. Everyday several hundreds of people around the world suffer from cyber bullying over social media. Social media is extremely easy to access and use and so bullies find it perfect for bullying for pleasure as well as so they can remain anonymous. Schools must monitor social media accounts in order to prevent cyber bullying.

In addition, schools must be allowed to access social media accounts to prevent inappropriate posting. A key way for bullies to bully online is by posting inappropriate images or words in which can discomfort the bullies victim. However if schools were to regularly check these accounts then cyber bullying would not start as often. Schools must monitor students social media to prevent bullying.

It is commonly argued that social media can contain private images in which people may not want their school to view. Schools must monitor these accounts as this can stop cyber bullying. What could people possibly post that the school would care about unless it's inappropriate? Social media must be monitored by schools.

Overall, schools must monitor social media accounts. Schools have the power to prevent the posting of inappropriate things which may lead to cyber bullying. Cyber bullying must be stopped and if schools check these accounts, it would not be as frequent. Schools must be able to monitor students social media accounts in the name of cyber bullying!

P.s Please Give Back ALL The Constructive Criticism You Can Throw At Me And I Do Realise I Have Used Monitor Way Too Much In This. :D 
I feel like this essay is just repeating the same argument for all 3 body paragraphs. Since it's all about cyber bullying. I feel like to make this essay better the different paragraphs should have different arguments.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: 12345D on June 11, 2017, 12:28:19 pm
Topic: The Biggest Mistake Of My Life

His eyes stared at the ground. They just stared, not wanting to look up. He was too afraid to look at the world again and how easily it had moved on without her.

Stop, he thought. Stop being a baby! She died. Forget. Why can’t you forget?

He broke into a convulsive sob. He felt defenceless. He wished for a cloak to hide his face from the world. He wished for a hole to appear in the ground where he could hide in. He wished he had never ran away her.

Instantly, memories flooded into his mind. Memories of her. The way she laughed and the way she smiled. Those regrets will haunt him forever.
He remembers the blood dripping down her face and her cries for help. Her screams are still deafening to his ears. He just stood there watching, afraid of what would happen if he helped her.

Run, he remembers telling himself. Run! Never return.

Due to his timid, helpless nature, he ran. He did not look back. He ran and ran, knowing that this instance would haunt him forever. One day he would look back and his heart would thud out of hatred for himself. At that moment he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life.

This was done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for mhs test. It would really much be appreciated if feedback was given as soon as possible. thank you.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: zhen on June 12, 2017, 08:05:19 pm
Schools want to be allowed to check and monitor the social media accounts of students in the name of cyber bullying, but all it is is a chance for dishonest teachers to stalk students. Really bold and probably controversial argument here, which if you don't do well can come off badly  Social media accounts contain things that are confidential to students, and maybe their cohort of friends. Should cyber bullying ever occur, monitoring social media will have little effect anyway.

We all have embarrassing photos that we want to be limited to ourselves and our friends. Giving teachers access is deemed as an invasion of our personal information. From your address, your phone number, to the small things like your hobbies. If that knowledge fell into the hands of wrong people, they have you playing at their palm. Gets a bit informal here in terms of expression. In my opinion try to avoid using you in persuasive essays Making you under their control. Who knows whether or not the school has some unjust people who are willing to reveal your information of a wad of cash. Expression isn't optimal here. Especially the word "wad", which sounds off To avoid a leak of private information and photos, schools should not have the right to gain access to the social media accounts of students.
Valid argument with some good points here

Bullying, can I think Can bullying be avoided flows much better than this it really be avoided if social media of students are monitored? Any smart bully would avoid cyber bullying on common social media apps. A bit nitpicky but this is a good thing, since it would massively limit the amount of people the bully can target. I don't think many people access these less common social media sites, because they are less common. So this point isn't really valid in my opinion.  Not only that, the inability to bully people online can quickly turn physical. With chances of causing more damage than there originally would have been. To make sure cyber bullying doesn't turn physical and because monitoring social media won't be of much help either, schools should not be able to see the accounts of students. Better point here. But in my opinion it's a bit based too much on assumptions and hypothetical situations which may or may not happen

It is unequivocally evident that giving schools access to social media accounts will not help prevent cyber bullying. Should a school request access, it should be unarguably denied.

I did this with @Jonodabeast and @Vrushank and @H.Dinnez at school i am also aware that I overused some words and this essay was a bit chunky. THANK YOU FOR READING AND HAVE A GOOD LONG WEEKEND !!!
It was a decent essay overall. Good luck for your selective school exam.  :)
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: pro(crastinator) on June 12, 2017, 08:59:57 pm
Topic: Schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options

Obesity is a rising problem badly affecting people around the world. It commonly begins at a young age when kids get used to having an unhealthy diet. There is no denying that unhealthy food served at school has contributed to this problem. There would be great results if schools were to only serve healthy meals.

If schools were only allowed to serve healthy meals kids would get used to eating healthy. Bad habits will continue unless stopped. Serving healthy food would stop children from eating unhealthy foods. Many families around Australis have continued to have an unhealthy diet for generations. Getting their kids to eat well would stop this horrible pattern.

If schools were to only serve healthy meals the rate of obesity would shrink. Obesity is a dangerous dilemma. It can cause diabetes, early death, depression and the inability to walk for an amount of time. The cause of obesity is an unhealthy diet. Getting kids to eat well would help them avoid these terrible things.

In conclusion, schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options. It would get kids into the habit of healthy eating and would decrease the rate of obesity.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 12, 2017, 09:13:36 pm
THX VOUCH
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: patriciarose on June 12, 2017, 09:57:37 pm
Topic: The Biggest Mistake Of My Life

His eyes stared at the ground. They just stared, yeah, okay, you need more than this. if you want to emphasise that they were just staring, that's all good but i'm going to need more than just a simple repetition and the addition of 'just.' give me an adjective to spice it up! they stared vacantly, unfocused. they stared, haunted (by a memory or just haunted, depends on how Dramatic you happen to be feeling ahaha). they stared, unblinking to the point of pain, as if to protect against the memories. i'm getting more and more hollywood-esque oops but the point stands. adjectives show that you know vocabulary and are able to exercise it skillfully (sidenote: but please god do not put an adjective in front of every noun because that is the opposite extreme and i am not advocating for that).  not wanting to look up. He was too afraid to look at the world again and how easily it had moved on without her. niiiiice sentence.

Stop, he thought. Stop being a baby! She died. Forget. Why can’t you forget? this also really appeals to me, and not just because all those adjectives got me into a hollywood mood because it's very emotive. i can feel he's in agony over this girl and that is so much better than you telling me. good job.

He broke into a convulsive sob. also very nice.He felt defenceless. He wished for a cloak to hide his face from the world. He wished for a hole to appear in the ground where he could hide in. He wished he had never ran away her. okay so idk if i've marked one of these for you before but if i haven't, i really really have a thing about a lot of short sentences in a row when there is no stylistic need for them to be that way. the last three would be great if you hadn't just had the first two, because idk if this makes sense, but when i read this paragraph, by the end it's very monotonous. this happened. then this happened. i am still very sad. but hey nobody can tell. that is because everything sounds like this. they're maths textbook sentences: i don't really know what you're saying in the same way i would if you said it differently, because the style is switching me off instinctively. (also, for the record, the reason i know that's a problem is because whenever i mention this, i have had to reread the paragraph more than twice.) instead, a couple of commas and ands could link two of them together, especially the first two, and that would benefit the last three because that way you have ~a flow.~ i'm not saying every sentence must be long and convoluted because that's just as bad. but "Feeling defenceless (and alone? idk), he broke into a convulsive (, violent?) sob. He wished for a cloak to hide his face from the world. He wished for a hole to appear in the ground where he could hide in. He wished he had never ran away her." a sentence like 'he felt defenceless' is only really effective when it's not one of several quick sentences, otherwise the emotion in it is over too quickly for me to cling onto it. bit of a messy explanation, but if that makes no sense, let me know and i'll clarify, sorry. 

Instantly, memories flooded into his mind. Memories of her. The way she laughed and the way she smiled. Those regrets will haunt him forever.

He remembers the blood dripping down her face and her hit me with an adjective again. ear piercing, desperate, haunting. i already care quite a bit, but i could care more. i wouldn't have added this if you'd had an adjective in front of blood,
 but you don't so i'd like one here.  cries for help. Her screams are still deafening to his ears. He just stood there watching, afraid of what would happen if he helped her. that's what i meant before about lengths of sentences. the deafening sentence is so much better because the one after it (and to an extent the one before it too) is longer. it hits harder.

Run, he remembers telling himself. Run! Never return. ooh i like the thoughts thing you've got going on here.

Due to his timid, helpless nature, good. he ran. He did not look back. even better.He ran and ran, knowing that this instance would haunt him forever. One day he would look back and his heart would thud out of hatred the lit nerd in me is loving this paragraph. for himself. At that moment he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life.
not sure if that's too obvious a link to the prompt, um. never done a selective school test and i don't know if they'd object: it's a very blatant link. not that that's necessarily bad! i like the finality with which it closes out your piece, my only issue would be if you try to tie all your prompts into your narratives like this, because i don't think they'd all fit like this one. but i'm marking this and it works just fine, so. good job.

this was really enjoyable to read! my only criticism is length, really, and that's primarily because the others i've read on here have been longer. to do that here, i'd have probably added a few more memories of her: you can describe a heck of a lot more than the way she smiled and looked. tell me how she'd never let him forget the times he embarrassed himself tripping over his words, or how she melted every time she saw a dog. heck, tell me about the way her skirt looked billowing in the breeze that one time. i don't care. the more you give us to miss, the more the abandonment hurts, and the cool thing about memories is that literally anything can be one, so go wild* (*disclaimer: not too wild. quick things. no life story. you don't have time for a life story and also it'd get messy). so, yeah, length, and also i'd like to say with the sentence thing i brought up a couple times: i mostly only put that in when i have no other criticism, so please don't stress it, it's just a mention in case you happen to notice you've put five short sentences in a row and have the opportunity to add a lengthier one in. it's much better to finish a piece with every sentence approx. five words than write two amazing sentence, haha. this was really good, hopefully i didn't mark it too harshly (if i didn't complain about a line, that generally means i liked it haha) and good luck with the test! (:

edit: holy heck i wrote you an essay in the middle of that. sorry haha. the later it gets, the more verbose i get. my bad. tl/dr for it: five short sentences generally look better as one long sentence and three short ones.  (:

This was done under a 15 minute time limit in preparation for mhs test. It would really much be appreciated if feedback was given as soon as possible. thank you.


note: procrastinator, i know yours hasn't been marked and i'm not trying to skip over it, just getting to the narratives first because i'm better at them – had a go at marking yours but i didn't have enough to say, so hopefully someone else will be able to give you helpful feedback on persuasives. there's no point in me just saying 'this is good' and correcting grammar. (:
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: zhen on June 12, 2017, 10:19:54 pm
Topic: Schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options

Obesity is a rising problem badly Badly isn't the best word to use. Something like drastically or maybe even greatly would sound better affecting people around the world. It commonly begins at a young age when kids get used to having an unhealthy diet. There is no denying that unhealthy food served at school has contributed to this problem. There would be great results if schools were to only serve healthy meals. The transition between this sentence and the previous sentence doesn't flow well. Overall decent introduction

If schools were only allowed to serve healthy meals kids would get used to eating healthy. Bad habits will continue unless stopped. Instead of this why don't you say something like serving healthy food will assist in stopping these bad habits. This related more directly to the topic and is more persuasive.  Serving healthy food would stop children from eating unhealthy foods. Expression could be better. Something like serving healthy food reduces student's exposure to unhealthy food would be better in my opinion  Many families around Australis have continued to have an unhealthy diet for generations. Getting their kids to eat well would stop this horrible pattern. Ok body paragraph

If schools were to only serve healthy meals the rate of obesity would shrink. In my opinion being more direct would be better. Something like serving healthy meals at school will reduce the rate of child obesity would be better in my opinion Obesity is a dangerous dilemma. It can cause diabetes, early death, depression and the inability to walk for an amount of time. The cause of obesity is an unhealthy diet. Getting kids to eat well would help them avoid these terrible things. Feel like you should talk about how a healthy diet and healthy food at school prevents obesity a bit more, since it isn't mentioned much. Instead you list the side effects of obesity, which is good, but you need to link it to your case a bit more.

In conclusion, schools should only be allowed to serve healthy meal options. It would get kids into the habit of healthy eating and would decrease the rate of obesity.
Overall decent essay. Keep up the good work and good luck for your entrance exam.  :)
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: hegihugo on June 13, 2017, 06:15:21 pm
Hi Guys,

I know it's quite late, but could you please mark this?

Topic: Imagine something precious, you have lost that is finally returned to you.

Dad always liked me the best, I don't know why, but I was always the favourite... But when he left I couldn't believe it, he had always hinted at it; but never really confirmed it. Dad was with the North you see; he had been selected when he was young, as gifted and was spoon-fed until he was old enough to work for the state. I was the same, when I was 5, I was chosen; and brought to a different school with kids with a "like mind". That was why I was the favourite. As soon as Dad left, the State knew. We had to go into hiding; but it wasn't long until they found us. When we were captured we were brought into a sort of detention center. We were left for a few days. Then we were separated. Mum went first and then Grandpa then Grandma and then finally me. They said they would spare me; so they kept me in the detention center, where I could still be taught, I don't know what happend to the rest of the family, I was isolated, kept in the classroom for hours, I dreaded everyday. I had the same teacher; Mr Kim, he was an old, strict man, who was small and stout. I would see him everyday without any day off. One day something unusual happend my normal tutor wan't there instead I had somebody who looked exactly like my father. At first it was a normal day, but at exactly 12:00pm he told me who he really was- of course he was my father. I tried to tell him everything that happend, but he wasn't interested, he was only interested me. I missed him so much. I longed for him, but he seperated the whole family. I asked him whether he knew where the rest of the family was, but he didn't even answer; I had once respected this man, but I had quickly developed a sense of hate deeply intrenched in my soul. What could I do?


TIME: 15:00


ALSO:

I'm coming from interstate for the Victorian selective school exam, will I have an advantage?
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 13, 2017, 06:59:01 pm
Lol nope no advantage for u  ;)
Hi Guys,

I know it's quite late, but could you please mark this?

Topic: Imagine something precious, you have lost that is finally returned to you.

Dad always liked me the best, I don't know why, but I was always the favourite... But when he left I couldn't believe it, he had always hinted at it; but never really confirmed it. Dad was with the North you see; he had been selected when he was young, as gifted Doesn't flow and was spoon-fed until he was old enough to work for the state. I was the same, when I was 5, I was chosen; and brought to a different school with kids with a "like mind". That was why I was the favourite. As soon as Dad left, the State knew. We had to go into hiding; but it wasn't long until they found us. When we were captured we were brought into a sort of detention center. We were left for a few days. Then we were separated. Mum went first and then Grandpa then Grandma and then finally me. They said they would spare me; so they kept me in the detention center, where I could still be taught, I don't know what happend to the rest of the family, I was isolated, kept in the classroom for hours, I dreaded everyday. I had the same teacher; Mr Kim, he was an old, strict man, who was small and stout. I would see him everyday without any day off. One day something unusual happend my normal tutor wan't there instead I had somebody who looked exactly like my father. At first it was a normal day, but at exactly 12:00pm he told me who he really was- of course he was my father. I tried to tell him everything that happend, but he wasn't interested, he was only interested meI think you mean "He was only interested in me". I missed him so much. I longed for him, but he seperated the whole family. I asked him whether he knew where the rest of the family was, but he didn't even answer; I had once respected this man, but I had quickly developed a sense of hate deeply intrenched "INCORRECT SPELLING? UNSURE OF WORD USE" in my soul. What could I do?


TIME: 15:00


ALSO:

I'm coming from interstate for the Victorian selective school exam, will I have an advantage?
(didnt really understand the plot[probably just me])I'm doing the test as well, you can read one of my pieces above if you want to. They're "decent" as said by zhen. And that's somewhat a compliment coming from him. Anyways good luck!
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 13, 2017, 07:06:19 pm
EVERYONE WHO'S READING THIS. YOU DON'T NEED TO WRITE 15:00 I'M SURE THAT EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF WRITING WAS DONE IN 15 MIN OR LESS
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: hegihugo on June 13, 2017, 07:36:15 pm
Did you use a writing stimulus
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: patriciarose on June 13, 2017, 07:59:25 pm
Hi Guys,

I know it's quite late, but could you please mark this?

Topic: Imagine something precious, you have lost that is finally returned to you.

Dad always liked me the best, I don't know why, but I was always the favourite... But when he left I couldn't believe it, he had always hinted at it; semicolons (;) are basically full stops. you just use one when you want the reader to pause for longer than they would when reading a comma, but still connect two things together (a full stop would seperate them). 'But never really confirmed it' does not work as a sentence alone, which is effectively how the semicolon forces it to be read. don't have any problem with you adding one, but if you do, say 'he never really confirmed it' so that it makes grammatical sense. if you want to add one, make sure both halves before and after it work as seperate sentences because that's how they'll be read.  but never really confirmed it. Dad was with the Northcomma. i know you don't read it with a pause, but there is a seperation between 'North' and 'you' so it needs the comma. works any time you want to say something like this. it looked messy, i thought. in my head, i said, this happened. dad was with the north, you see. (:  you see; he had been selected when he was young, as giftedwhat? do you mean he's gifted and that's why he was selected? cool idea, i like it, but it doesn't need to be alone between those two commas because that's confusing (although if you maybe made it Gifted with a capital g? so i can tell that it's a Thing, not just a thing. nouns carry a lot of weight).  and was spoon-fed with information (for clarity) until he was old enough to work for the state. I was the same,colon (:) or full stop.  when I was 5, I was chosen; again, semi colon is a full stop. using them isn't a bad thing but make sure both sides are complete in their own right before you do so.  and brought to a different school with kids with a "like mind". That was why I was the favourite. As soon as Dad left, the State knew. We had to go into hiding; but it wasn't long until they found us. When we were captured we were brought into a sort of detention center. We were left for a few days. Then we were separated. Mum went first and then Grandpa then Grandma and then finally me. They said they would spare me; so they kept me in the detention center, where I could still be taught, I don't know what happend to the rest of the family, I was isolated, kept in the classroom for hours, I dreaded everyday. this is a run-on sentence (my teachers used to harp on that a lot, but if you've not heard the phrase, it means that they, um, run on a lot haha) and it's way too long. there's a limit to how many commas you can stick in a sentence like this before it starts sounding monotonous. Maybe cut it off after taught, and use a because after  family and an and after hours? changes it to "I don'tknow what happened to the rest of the family because I was isolated, kept in the classroom for hours (and or full stop) I dreaded every day." idk. my point is you have to break that up.  I had the same teacher; colon (:) instead of semicolon. Mr Kim, he was an old, strict man, who was small and stout. I would see him everyday without any day off. you really need a paragraph break somewhere and here is quite a good place for one. One day something unusual happend spelling, but also, again, colon. or full stop. or semi colon. preferably normal colon though.my normal tutor wan't thereand instead? instead I had somebody who looked exactly like my father. i'd like a bit more here. is this person not a little shocked that their disappeared father has randomly turned up to teach them algebra? give me some dialogue? or at least a thought or two.  At first it was a normal day, your long gone father has appeared in a classroom and that's normal? i know they're probably suffering from some kind of trauma because of the whole kidnapped by the government thing, but still. this is a good spot for a little bit of emotion and it'd add to your piece a lot.  but at exactly 12:00pm see, i wasn't sure about this detail the first time i read this (because, like, why) but it is very precise, which kind of adds to the feeling of wrongness here. wouldn't mind a little bit more information about what happened to him – he seems quite robotic? interesting thing to explore if you had time. but yes nice detail (:he told me who he really was- of course he was my father. I tried to tell him everything that happend happened, but he wasn't interested, he was only interested me. I had missed him? like before he turned up as a robot? or currently? if it's currently, then your grammar is right, but you contradict that hatred you're about to have your narrator develop, so. missed him so much. I longed for him, but he seperated the whole family. I asked him whether he knew where the rest of the family was, but he didn't even answer; this semicolon's right! (: I had once respected this man, but I had quickly developed a sense of hate deeply intrenched entrenched (: good word btw. in my soul. What could I do?

okay, not bad, but you need paragraphs, multiple. also, dialogue would be lovely. little more description couldn't hurt (if you get stuck: what's he wearing? what colour are the walls? what do they remind him of? what is he missing? i've just made him male i'm so sorry). overall good length though! good luck with the test! (: around to mark til eleven and then i'm out btw. zhen and people might still be around but idk for sure, maybe not. 

TIME: 15:00


ALSO:

I'm coming from interstate for the Victorian selective school exam, will I have an advantage?
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: hegihugo on June 13, 2017, 08:10:55 pm
Got another one...
Stimulus: Found

Got an idea from @Jack_Zhou_JZ (I liked your space story )

Story:

The glistening light sparkled in the jet black surroundings. Suddenly a little speckle of light shown in the dark surroundings. "I found the last planet," I screamed "I found it!" It is 4000ce our Earth is too polluted, so we needed to find a new planet, all the other planets had been claimed by other life forms, so our only chance of survival was in the discovery of a new planet. Every country had joined together for the last great exploration mission.

I was going to be a hero, or so I thought: " Uhh... Smith we're letting you go,  you shouldn't have discovered that planet, it should have been me." My squadrent leader said.

I looked towards the ship with despair, the captain smirked and waved. A sudden force pushed me away into the large abyss. I was stuck, trapped in a infinite abyss. I had no chance of survival.

I had one last glance at the ship, I had always tried to be careful with my squadrent leader.
Only a few years he had lost a junior astronaut just like me, that discovery put him on the map. Now he will be even more of a hero; for the actions that I completed.

I had one chance at survival. I pulled my emergency lever, that sent a plea of help to everybody, wether it be friend of Earth or foe.

After waiting a few minutes, I had got a reply, it was in a foreign language. This was my only chance at survival. Soon a ship appeared long and thin. It was as black as the surrounding abyss. A door opened. I started to be pulled into it. I had been saved but by whom?



Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: hegihugo on June 13, 2017, 08:11:11 pm
I did this also in 15 minutes
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 13, 2017, 08:12:02 pm
TRIGGERED  :P :P BUT GOOD ESSAY 8) 8)
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 13, 2017, 08:13:32 pm
WOTS A STIMULUS?? I Just close my eyes and click on one from a list. Set timer for 15 min and begin writing on paper. Then i type it on atar notes lol
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 13, 2017, 08:22:27 pm
OOOOH nvm i found out what a stimulus is. Nope i dont use them, why would u use a guide in an essay. Lol cbf. I just git random topics http://www.writersdigest.com/prompts close ur eyes scroll. stop. and start writing.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: hegihugo on June 13, 2017, 08:25:00 pm
I write on paper
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: hegihugo on June 13, 2017, 08:26:16 pm
And then I type... From what I heard (My Mums colleague) it depends on what school ur going to, for example if you go to some really expensive private school, ur scaled to expensive private schools etc.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 13, 2017, 08:36:41 pm
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE THIS IS 69 HOURS PF RESEARCH BTW:
1. ITS A CERTAIN NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO GET IN
2. THE MAXIMIUM THAT CAN GO FROM EACH SCHOOL IS 5% ( OF THE GRADE)
3. The only thing that gives u an advantage is being smart



GOOD LUCK
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 13, 2017, 08:42:09 pm
GUYS!!!!!!!!!
MY FRIEND @H.Dinnez WANTED ME TO POST THIS FOR HIM

It is crucial that all drivers stay away from cellphones while in the driver’s seat. It can be remarkably dangerous as it causes major distractions. A call can come your way and notifications can catch your attention. Cellphones should always be kept away.
 
A cellphone is very distracting when a driver receives an incoming call. Many drivers commence with the call and lose concentration on the road. This is a major cause of road trauma. One call can cause many deaths. Therefore cellphones should be kept away while driving as they are very dangerous to the driver.
 
These days many people are engaged with social media and other entertaining programmes through their cellphones. A notification excites many drivers and catches their full attention. Once a driver’s concentration is off the road it can be terribly hard to control the vehicle, this leads to critical collisions. These reasons prove that cellphones shouldn’t be used while driving.
 
Some people believe that cellphones can be used for things like listening to music and contacting people through bluetooth. These uses can also be very dangerous for the driver and many other people on the road.
 
Overall, cellphones lead to major collisions due to the fact that they are extremely distraction to the driver. Therefore cellphones should be kept away while driving in a car.
 
Please provide constructive criticism and explain all my flaws in this writing piece so that I can improve further. Thanks.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 13, 2017, 09:16:51 pm
HUGO R U KOREAN?
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: patriciarose on June 13, 2017, 11:23:39 pm
Got another one...
Stimulus: Found

Got an idea from @Jack_Zhou_JZ (I liked your space story ) so 'space' is your prompt??

Story:

The glistening light sparkled in the jet black surroundings.i'm drawing a blank – the planet is the light? not a science kid, but do planets emit light? i know they're colourful, but ... tell me about the colour? or just tell me that the surface glistened tbh. can probably do more than just light.  Suddenly a little speckle of light shown in the dark surroundings. suddenly? like, just then? when you just told me the light was sparkling? suddenly means the occurance is a current surprise haha.  "I found the last planet," I screamedfull stop. "I found it!" It is 4000ce andour Earth is too polluted, so we needed to find a new planet, either put in an and to tie them together, or full stop. i would prefer the and though because it sounds nicer. all the other planets had been claimed by other life forms, so our only chance of survival was in the discovery of a new planet. Every country had joined together for the last great exploration mission.nice.

I was going to be a hero, or so I thought:this is a good line. i would maybe have left it on a line of its own though? like it's very important and you could hang on to that mood for a second and then the betrayal will feel worse. " Uhh... Smith we're letting you go,  you shouldn't have discovered that planet, it should have been me." My squadrent leader said. okay, so this is logically impossible because they're so heavily monitored unless some serious changes go down in the next 2000 years. but it is good for the plot so hey it works really well for a fifteen minute piece.

I looked towards the ship with despair, the captain smirked and waved. A sudden force pushed me away into the large abyss. I was stuck, trapped in a infinite abyss. niiiiceI had no chance of survival.

I had one last glance at the ship, I had always tried to be careful with my squadrent leader.
Only a few years he had lost a junior astronaut just like me, that discovery put him on the map. Now he will be even more of a hero; for the actions that I completed.

I had one chance at survival. I pulled my emergency lever, that sent a plea of help to everybody, wether whether it be friend of Earth or foe.also nice. though idk where he would put a lever, but again, 2000 years.

After waiting a few minutes, I had got a reply, it was in a foreign language. This was my only chance at survival. Soon a ship appeared comma. or just put the adjectives in front of the noun in the conventional way. long and thin. It was as black as the surrounding abyssgood word. A door opened. I started to be pulled into it. I had been saved but by whom?



you really like ending on questions omg. this is good! great use of adjectives and i like the plot progression: setting it 2000 years in the future was smart because it means everything is theoretically possible! if you're looking for easy things to improve on, i would add a little more description of the surroundings: you did this well at the end but the start could have been better. try to show instead of tell too: if they're nervous, they'll start sweating, shaking, trembling. if you're getting cast into space, a few of those probably apply, and something more visual (ie. the yuck but effective sweat beading on their arms (but maybe not in space idk) etc) often works better to convey emotion. either way, good luck with your test tomorrow (if you're one of those people), i'm sure you'll do amazing (: 
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 14, 2017, 06:10:53 pm
Vrushank MANCHANA

Using mobile phones while driving is an exceptionally hazardous thing to do. Driving always requires a lot of focus and cell phones are a big distraction. Mobile phones should be banned when driving. It can lead to severe injuries and possibly even death, as it may also influence and create a habit for children driving in the future

Using mobile phones while driving is a huge risk as it can lead to terrifying consequences. Driving requires sheer concentration, so the phone can wait. An uncountable amount of accidents and severe tragedies have occured due to the use of cell phones while driving. It can lead to death and life long injuries. So ban the use of mobile phones while driving

Children may also get influenced or get into a habit of using phones while driving. Parents must at any cost prevent themselves from using phones while driving as children who are watching may do it in the future. The children will be at risk and it can create a steep rise in the death toll on the road. Parents must be good role models for their children to prevent them from using phones in the future

Overall, using cell phones while driving is a major risk and certainly should never happen, as it can cause severe and life long injuries and using phones while driving also influences kids to do it in the future. So stop using phones while driving to save lives.

can you please post it on Atar notes Jack?
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: GalacticProcess on June 14, 2017, 09:14:24 pm
Vrushank MANCHANA

Using mobile phones while driving is an exceptionally exceptionally is the wrong word to use as it means unusually. I get what the message is so maybe use extremely hazardous thing to do. Driving always requires a lot of focus and cell phones are a big distraction. Mobile phones should be banned when driving.maybe join this sentence with the next by adding an as. This will make it more free flowing. It can lead to severe injuries and possibly even death, end the sentence here and start a new one. The reason being that while reading, the end of the sentence doesn't really relate to the beginning.as it may also influence and create a habit for children driving in the futureReword the sentence to say "The use of mobile phone while driving negatively influences children and creates a poor role modelling environment for them.

Using mobile phones while driving is a huge risk as it can lead to terrifying consequences.I feel like the topic sentence could be made more stronger. Maybe "To begin with, the use of mobile phones while driving is a huge risk as it creates a dangerous environment for the driver. Driving requires sheer concentration, so the phone can wait. Idk if it's just me but the second part of the sentence sounds a little informal. An uncountable amountnumber of accidents and severe tragedies have occured occurred due to the use of cell phones while driving. It can lead to death and life long injuries. So ban the use of mobile phones while drivingI think this paragraph could end on a sentence that sums up the argument and relates back to the topic. This paragraph should probably explain more why using phones while driving is dangerous. Expand on the little points and the paragraph will flow better and sound well structured.

Children may also get influenced or get into a habit of using phones while driving. Parents must at any cost prevent themselves from using phones while driving as children who are watching may do it in the future. The children will be at risk and it can create a steep rise in the death toll on the road. Parents must be good role models for their children to prevent them from using phones in the futureAgain end with a sentence that sums up the arguments and relates back to the topic. Just like the previous paragraph, expand on the little things. Maybe explain in more detail what the negative effects of children using mobile phones while driving are. I see you have mentioned that the death toll will rise, but HOW? I know it seems self explanatory to assume that it's because of an increased number of accidents, but you need to write as if the reader is stupid lol.

Overall, using cell phones while driving is a major risk and certainly should never happenreword to "should certainly never happen..., as it can cause severe and life long injuries and using phones while driving also influences kids to do it in the future. Maybe write that as a separate sentence. ie. "Using phones while driving can cause severe and life long injuries and the act can also influence kids to do it in the future. So stop using phones while driving to save lives.Nice ending!

can you please post it on Atar notes Jack?
Overall it was a pretty good essay with solid arguments. The grammar could be improved on and so can expression. This comes with practice. Also, maybe using 'and' or 'commas' to join short sentences would be a good idea as it makes the essay nicer to read and the writing becomes more free flowing.

Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 14, 2017, 09:15:55 pm
My friend wants to say that he really appreciates u correcting his essay !! VOUCH
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: 12345D on June 14, 2017, 09:55:13 pm
Topic: Should Students Who Fail Their Classes Be Retained and Have To Repeat The Grade?

Some students aim for a high standard, whilst others may strive to accomplish to a lower standard. Regardless, students must be placed in a class where their classmates has a similar ability to the pupil. Thus, students achieving low marks must repeat grades to suit their capabilities.

Having students at various standards makes it difficult for teachers to organise work for pupils. Teachers would be forced to provide more assistance for pupils who regularly struggle with their students, leaving the top performing students without extension tasks. Consequently, high achieving students find class too easy and tedious. Hence, students obtaining low marks must be repeated.

Forcing a student struggling with their school work to repeat a grade is more suitable for the child. Having a pupil in a class with high performing students can cause pressure for this student to perform well. However, if this child does not obtain marks similar to the class, it would be strongly advised for this student to repeat a year level to ensure that one’s learning material is appropriate. Therefore, it is essential for students with low marks to repeat a year level.

It is evident that students struggling to maintain satisfactory marks to...

Then i ran out of time.

It would very much be appreciated if this was marked as soon as possible, considering the exam is this Saturday (17/06/2017). Thank you.

Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: GalacticProcess on June 14, 2017, 10:23:59 pm
My friend wants to say that he really appreciates u correcting his essay !! VOUCH
Let him know that it was my pleasure!
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: GalacticProcess on June 14, 2017, 10:59:56 pm
Topic: Should Students Who Fail Their Classes Be Retained and Have To Repeat The Grade?

Some students aim for a high standard, whilst others may strive to accomplish to a lower standard. Maybe reword to "...whilst others may set their standards a lot lower. Regardless, students must be placed in a class where their classmates has have a similar ability to the pupil. Dodgy expression. Maybe write "...classmates posses matching abilities. Thus, students achieving low marks must repeat grades to suit their capabilities. I think in the introduction you really need to state the main points you will be talking about throughout the essay.

Having students at various standards makes it difficult for teachers to organise work for pupils. Teachers would be forced to provide more assistance for pupils who regularly struggle with their studentsI think you mean work?, leaving the top performing students without extension tasks.Maybe that's a little too specific. Idk if that's just my opinion though so don't take my word it. Consequently, high achieving students will find class too easy and tedious. Hence, students obtaining low marks must be repeated. It sounds like this sentence is unfinished? Maybe write "Hence, repeating a year level must be made compulsory for students achieving low marks.
 Anyway, I think you really need to elaborate on certain things that you mention. Maybe explain the consequences of intelligent students not being given enough attention.

Forcing a student struggling with their school work to repeat a grade is more suitable for the child. Maybe begin with a stronger topic sentence that really nails what the argument is going to be about. Having a pupil in a class with high performing students can cause pressure for this student to perform well. Reword? ie. "Placing pupils in a class with high performing students will cause a build up of pressure on weaker students. However, if this child does not obtain marks similar to the class, it would be strongly advised for this student to repeat a year level to ensure that one’s learning material is appropriate.You have referred to the students as a child and then as 'one'. I think you need to remain consistent throughout the sentence because it sort of sounds weird lol. Therefore, it is essential for students with low marks to repeat a year level. because...? Sum up the argument. I think you have written the same argument but in two different paragraphs. The argument is solid but I think you need to write about something that is not so similar to the first one as it reduces the number of arguments you have.

It is evident that students struggling to maintain satisfactory marks to... Oh well. The 15 minute time frame is extremely low and requires really fast thinking and writing. This will come with practice so try to write a couple more before Saturday. I am going to be at home on Thursday and Friday so feel free to post some more essays and I will try to correct them as soon as possible. Tbh this wasn't a bad piece but just a little weak in terms of arguments. Next time, try to write about things that are not so closely related but in the given time constraint, it's not easy.
 Good luck for your next piece and for Saturday!

Then i ran out of time.

It would very much be appreciated if this was marked as soon as possible, considering the exam is this Saturday (17/06/2017). Thank you.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: 12345D on June 15, 2017, 09:34:58 pm
Topic: Should Everyone Under The Age Of 17 Have An 8 PM Curfew?

Teenagers tend to go to parties or stay over at a friend’s house. However, it has been strongly advised that an 8 pm curfew is to be introduced into several households for children under the age of seventeen. This will most certainly prove to be effective and helpful to ensure that the child’s location is known.

The child’s safety is vital. When an 8 pm curfew is introduced, it decreases the risk of being kidnapped, as research shows that most kidnappings are committed during night time. Also allowing a child to roam around streets, alone and defenceless, is a rash, reckless decision as it leaves them completely vulnerable. Thus, children under the age of seventeen should have an 8 pm curfew placed upon them to ensure their safety.

Enforcing an 8 pm curfew on children under the age of seventeen, ensures that they cannot be a potential threat to the community. If children are permitted to walk along streets in the middle of the night, what could possibly ensure that they do not vandalise properties or commit crimes? Hence, an 8 pm curfew should be forced upon them.

It is evident that an 8 pm curfew would help prevent vandalism, as well as ensuring their safety. If further...

Then i ran out of time!

It would very much be appreciated if it was marked as soon as possible, considering that the exam is this SATURDAY!!! Anyways, it would very much be appreciated. Thank you.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: quinn_03 on June 16, 2017, 04:26:01 pm
hey guys, just wanted to say good luck tomorrow!! I did the exam last year so I know what it's like. it can be a bit nerve-wracking at first but try not to panic throughout the exam, and i'm sure you'll all do great! whatever happens, it's a good experience to have, and you'll learn a lot from it. good luck again!! :)
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: pro(crastinator) on June 16, 2017, 06:26:31 pm
hey guys, just wanted to say good luck tomorrow!! I did the exam last year so I know what it's like. it can be a bit nerve-wracking at first but try not to panic throughout the exam, and i'm sure you'll all do great! whatever happens, it's a good experience to have, and you'll learn a lot from it. good luck again!! :)

Thanks!
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: 12345D on June 16, 2017, 06:41:46 pm
Thanks. good luck to everyone else!
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: pro(crastinator) on June 16, 2017, 06:43:07 pm
Topic: Should schools start later in the morning?

Schools around the world are starting the day as early as 7:30 am. This can affect students sleep and learning. Schools should start later in the day as it would help students get enough sleep and concentrate on their learning.

If students were to start school later in the day students would get more sleep. Many students are forced out of their sleep by yelling parents or screaming alarm clocks every weekday. The unreasonably early school hours are forcing kids to wake up before they have had the recommended sleep time of 8 hours. They are unable to sleep earlier because of social events, assignments, and extra-curricular activities. Kids need their sleep and schools are preventing them from getting enough sleep.

Additionally, if schools were to start later students would be able to concentrate harder on their learning. The later starting time would allow students to get a better rest in preparation for their studies. It is a well-known fact that a well-rested student equals a more focused student. Students falling asleep in class instead of paying attention is becoming even more common. This is proof that the earlier school hours are affecting students in a poor manner.

In conclusion, it is clear that schools should start later in the morning. It would allow them to have enough sleep and concentrate in school.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 17, 2017, 08:14:19 am
HEY GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M HYPE!!!! I'll be wearing a black cotton jacket (bcos its cold brrrrr  ;) ) and grey pants
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 17, 2017, 08:51:29 am
hey guys, just wanted to say good luck tomorrow!! I did the exam last year so I know what it's like. it can be a bit nerve-wracking at first but try not to panic throughout the exam, and i'm sure you'll all do great! whatever happens, it's a good experience to have, and you'll learn a lot from it. good luck again!! :)
THX
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: H.Dinnez on June 17, 2017, 08:52:11 am
I'll be wearing black pants, a red long sleeve t-shirt and a very warm and cozy jacket!!   :)
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: Joseph41 on June 17, 2017, 09:05:09 am
Good luck, everybody - ATAR Notes is right behind you! :)
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 17, 2017, 09:25:42 am
Good luck, everybody - ATAR Notes is right behind you! :)
Thanks!
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: zhen on June 17, 2017, 06:14:52 pm
How did it go?
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 17, 2017, 06:21:32 pm
i faqed up i guessed:
15 in Verbal 10 in Maths and 12 in numerical and 5 in reading
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: zhen on June 17, 2017, 06:23:40 pm
i faqed up i guessed:
15 in Verbal 10 in Maths and 12 in numerical and 5 in reading
I don't know what you're saying, but I'm guessing that it's the amount of questions you left. If so, then don't worry too much, since nearly no one finishes it properly.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: philips on June 17, 2017, 07:01:21 pm
How many questions are there in each part? 
Were the writing parts hard? 
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: zhen on June 17, 2017, 07:06:41 pm
How many questions are there in each part? 
Were the writing parts hard? 
It's 60 mulitple choice questions in 30 minutes and a persuasive and creative in 15 minutes each.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: philips on June 17, 2017, 07:18:44 pm
Oh, I thought it was 50 questions in a couple of the tests  ???
Don't stress, I heard that most people don't finish the tests.
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 17, 2017, 07:47:52 pm
Okie, thx

btw ur assumptuion was right
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: Creamysnow on June 17, 2017, 08:06:30 pm
i faqed up i guessed:
15 in Verbal 10 in Maths and 12 in numerical and 5 in reading
I'm sure you did well :) what were the writing topics?
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 17, 2017, 08:30:00 pm
it was should full time workers be limited to 4 days. and "I warned you" "I know and I should have listened but can we talk about it later"
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: hegihugo on June 17, 2017, 10:32:42 pm
I think I did okay, but I definitely didn't do well in maths, I completed every question for each
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: herb123 on June 17, 2017, 10:39:02 pm
wow this is great! wish we had access to resources like these back when i did my selective ahah
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 18, 2017, 09:24:45 am
Hegi.. I find it quiet hard to believe that u didnt guess a single question in verbal reasoning and numr
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: hegihugo on June 18, 2017, 12:10:24 pm
Of course i guessed for each, like I mentioned beforehand I did extremely bad in maths... What I did for all the tests except comprehension was guess the answer if it was taking to much time. So yes... I did guess for both reasonings, but I think I had the most problens with maths, fingers crossed I get in!!
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 19, 2017, 07:56:36 am
GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE!!
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: hegihugo on June 19, 2017, 09:36:31 pm
I followed Pi's advice which is if the question takes too long, just skip it and circle a random letter (such as b)
Title: Re: Send Essays Here [Must Be Done Under 15 Min] Selective School Practice
Post by: jz27 on June 20, 2017, 05:05:40 pm
same. which is why i guessed 10-15 . Those are the random answers i guesed
Title: Re: Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry
Post by: jz27 on August 09, 2017, 08:24:46 pm
so... anyone anxious?
Title: Re: Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry
Post by: pro(crastinator) on August 09, 2017, 08:54:11 pm
so... anyone anxious?

Y E S  :/
Title: Re: Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry
Post by: jz27 on August 10, 2017, 10:02:15 am
I got into mhs omfg
Title: Re: Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry
Post by: Joseph41 on August 10, 2017, 10:28:05 am
I got into mhs omfg

Hey man, really happy to hear this!

You've clearly worked very hard - congratulations on behalf of all of ATAR Notes. :))
Title: Re: Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry
Post by: acidic_solution on October 15, 2017, 12:21:45 pm
PERSUASIVE ESSAY:

Hi!
 The topic For my essay: Why is it bad to spend large amount of money on space programs?

THE ESSAY:
Spending endless amount of money on space programs is an act that a lot of people contribute too. Around the globe, annually 13 billion dollars of resources are spent on space programs and so far, there are no outstanding results. Is it really worth it?  Even if there are not so great results, does it not change the fact that will the this knowledge, or discoveries doesn't benefit humanity? Even f there are results, would they help solve human- Earth issues?
Apart from wasting resources, Spending these large sums of money on space programs would just damage the environments.

Spending these substantial amount of money is really just a waste of hard-earned people cash and time. Throughout the years , has the discoveries of space really benefited the Earth or people, apart from just mental peace? Of course it hasn't, as all we have gained, is just knowledge that wont even aid human issues.  The amount of time being spent on these useless space programs is out of the world! Averagely, a worker for space program spends 1234 hours annually. That same time could be used for something productive,something that would actually aid the Earth or people. Even     though we are spending countless dollars on these programs, do they give promising results?

A new research shows that spending half the amount spent on space programs would end world hunger. That is an issue already solved the valuable money. This  shows that would changes could happen, it that space money were spent on something useful and the promising results it would give, instead of crossing our fingers, for the next rocket to land on Mars. It is like baking a cake. using resources and a new recipe, it wouldn't taste as well as on a classic  recipe, that has already given promising results. The resources used on the old recipe cake   were not wasted Just as the precious money would be, being spent on more urgent issues.

Some even say that spending these generous  amount of money on space is an useful act, as if something terrible happens to Earth, humans can escape. Why would these terrible events happen in the first place? The biggest contributor is climate change. Investing the same amount of money on renewable energy generators, and giving the same time, experts predict that Climate change would decrease by 70%. Spending on space programs does its fair share of damaging the Earth too. When the money is spent, astronauts and scientists use that money on rockets, satellites and telescopes. For each rocket and satellite sent to space, that increases greenhouse gasses by 2%. IT my not seem a lot with only one rocket, but just think, how many sent since 1940.... THE TIME RAN OUT.

Thanks a lot for checking this essay. IT really does mean a lot as my English does not some feedbacks. Also criticise. BE a harsh marker on my essay please. The more feedback the better.
Title: Re: Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry
Post by: jz27 on October 17, 2017, 04:51:56 pm
WHO GOT SECOND ROUND MHS OR NOSSAL OFFER. I GOT FIRST ROUND. BUT SOME OF MY SCHOOL MATES GOT SECOND. DID ANY OF YOU?