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Author Topic: Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry  (Read 25661 times)  Share 

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jz27

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Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry
« on: May 30, 2017, 06:54:59 pm »
+1
TOPIC: Should High School Be Mandatory

High school poses as a difficult part of teenage life. The question that strikes everyone is whether or not high school should be mandatory. Well, just because something is hard doesn't mean the correct thing to do is to avoid it. In fact avoidance of difficult things is a sign of weakness. So it is definitely a logical choice to make high school compulsory for everyone. Regardless of how large of a wall high school builds for you, breaking it down will always prove as a significant event in your life/ High school grants you stronger education and friends. So there is no reason to be pessimistic about it.

Education is of utmost importance, and High school provides as a chance to strengthen you academic foundations. If it wasn't mandatory, the people who willingly ( and smartly) go will have a sky high advantage of those who choose to stray from the advantageous and most definitely more advisable path. The importance of High School in human advancement ( I dont know wtf I was thinking lol ) in education makes the essentialness(It says this words an error?) of High school significant.

Having friends proves useful in the later years of life. Research shows that friends from high school tend to bond closer than that of primary. Maybe this is because of all the hard times that friends endure through in high school. The friends that you gain at high school makes it wise to make it mandatory.

Those who disagree are usually those who are afraid to endure hardships. The will come up with all types of excuses to avoid |DAMN I RAN OUT OF TIME| 15 min is up




NOW THAT I REREAD IT IM CRINGING, Please barrage me with how to improve and fix errors. You can diss me all you want. Ill take it as constructive feedback :) Please go ahead and criticize me and give me tips on how i can improve my writing. THANKS!!


PS. Im doing a creative piece next tomoz please stay active on this topic so you can help me improve. Also feel free to put ur essay in here if its within my abilities ill correct

Sorry :(
« Last Edit: August 04, 2017, 04:58:13 pm by Jack_Zhou_JZ »
2020: Chinese SLA [34-> ~43]
2021 (raw): English [42] Spesh [43] Methods [45] Chem [40] Physics [41]

ATAR: 99.30
UCAT: 3240 (99th)
Studying Medicine at Monash University

Currently taking students for 2023 selective school entry exam, email [email protected] for more details

Running a free selective schools information session on the 17th of July. Email for more details!

zhen

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2017, 06:56:10 pm »
+4
TOPIC: Should High School Be Mandatory

High school poses as a difficult part of teenage life. The question that strikes everyone is whether or not high school should be mandatory. Good starting sentence Well, just because something is hard doesn't mean the correct thing to do is to avoid it. In fact avoidance of difficult things is a sign of weakness. This is a really generalised and controversial statement which I'd avoid. So it is definitely a logical choice to make high school compulsory for everyone. This doesn't really flow well from the last sentence (probably because the last sentence wasn't really that strong). I'd focus on the fact that high school will assist in the well being and development of teenagers, so it is definitely a logical choice... Regardless of how large of a wall high school builds for you, breaking it down will always prove as a significant event in your life/ High school grants you stronger education and friends. So there is no reason to be pessimistic about it. I feel like the wall is a good matephor, but persuasives are meant to be formal and I was taught to do completely third person when preparing for my entrance exam. Maybe ask someone about this. Also, I feel like the statemnt "there is no reason to be pessimistic about it" is too much of an assumption. People might not want to attend school because of other reasons. A better concluding sentence would be thus, high school should be mandatory to all students or something like that.

Education is of utmost importance, and High school provides as a chance to strengthen you academic foundations. If it wasn't mandatory, the people who willingly ( and smartly) go will have a sky high not formal enough advantage of those who choose to stray from the advantageous and most definitely more advisable path. expression here is a bit clunky The importance of High School in human advancement ( I dont know wtf I was thinking lol ) in education makes the essentialness(It says this words an error?) I don't know if it's an error, but it certainly sounds weird of High school significant. This paragraph isn't strong, as your expression becomes a bit convoluted here and you don't really say why and howhaving an education is so important.

Having friends proves useful in the later years of life. Research shows that friends from high school tend to bond closer than that of primary. Maybe Try to be more firm in your language, since it's a persuasive this is because of all the hard times that friends endure through in high school. The friends that you gain at high school makes it wise to make it mandatory. This isn't really that persuasive since you haven't talked about how having close friends is good/advantageous to people

Those who disagree are usually those who are afraid to endure hardships. This seems like a really aggressive statement against those who don't want to go to high school, which I'd avoid. The will come up with all types of excuses to avoid |DAMN I RAN OUT OF TIME| 15 min is up




NOW THAT I REREAD IT IM CRINGING, Please barrage me with how to improve and fix errors. You can diss me all you want. Ill take it as constructive feedback :) Please go ahead and criticize me and give me tips on how i can improve my writing. THANKS!!


PS. Im doing a creative piece next tomoz please stay active on this topic so you can help me improve. Also feel free to put ur essay in here if its within my abilities ill correct

Just so you know, I'm not going to be very active in the next 3 weeks, so I'm not going to correct many essays. Anyway, it's a pretty good attempt overall (at least better than my essays back then).  :) Keep up the good work  ;D.

jz27

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2017, 07:04:55 pm »
0
THX BROOOO REALLY APPRECIATE IT !!:)
2020: Chinese SLA [34-> ~43]
2021 (raw): English [42] Spesh [43] Methods [45] Chem [40] Physics [41]

ATAR: 99.30
UCAT: 3240 (99th)
Studying Medicine at Monash University

Currently taking students for 2023 selective school entry exam, email [email protected] for more details

Running a free selective schools information session on the 17th of July. Email for more details!

jz27

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2017, 07:05:15 pm »
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Creative

A loud rumbling woke me up at 2am, I believed it was odd  and unusual.My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go and investigate. After blindly walking around and quickly checking every room and cupboard, I gave up. As soon as I climbed into my cosy bed sheets, the rumbling grew louder. Extremely disturbed by this, I traced the sound to it's origin, the living room. This felt like one of those films, where there was a magic portal that will enable access to another world, and sure enough........there wasn't. I wandered around the living room, nothing odd was detected, actually nothing much could be detected at all without the aid of a source of light. I swiftly strided to where I assume the light switch to be, but on my second stride a abrupt creaking sound sent shivers down my spine, I looked down and reached my hand underneath the worn out rug, a prized possession of my grandma, who knitted it herself. I felt a rectangular panel. After gently moving the rug aside, I threw open the panel. Newly lit torches illuminated a staircase descending into an obscured place. I carefully walked down the cobblestone stairway afraid to encounter any kind of trap. Instead I found a ghastly looking door with a key already inserted into the keyhole, as if the door itself was inviting me to open it. I anxiously turned the handle and on the other side of the door was my grandma, furiously knitting something, she seemed to be in a trance...   ( I DUNNO WOT I WAZZ THINKING????)   PLZ GIMME TIPS AND SUGGESTIONS> ALSO SUGGEST A BETTER ENDING> THX
« Last Edit: May 31, 2017, 07:10:27 pm by Jack_Zhou_JZ »
2020: Chinese SLA [34-> ~43]
2021 (raw): English [42] Spesh [43] Methods [45] Chem [40] Physics [41]

ATAR: 99.30
UCAT: 3240 (99th)
Studying Medicine at Monash University

Currently taking students for 2023 selective school entry exam, email [email protected] for more details

Running a free selective schools information session on the 17th of July. Email for more details!

pro(crastinator)

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2017, 07:28:40 pm »
0
Topic: Are Security Cameras an Invasion of Privacy

Security cameras are in just about every public area. They are in shops, arenas, libraries, and parks. It's almost impossible to avoid them. Some think these cameras, put in place to capture footage of crime is an invasion of privacy. However other, more informed and educated people beg to differ.

Security cameras are only placed in public areas. These areas are called public for a reason, they are open to the public. No cameras are placed in someone's house without permission. In every place where there are security cameras people are aware others can see them. Therefore it isn't an invasion of privacy.

In most places where there are security cameras people are aware that they are there. Security cameras are usually placed in easy to see areas and some are places even have a sign saying 'Security cameras in use'. There are no sneaky lenses secretly peeking at unsuspecting victims. Only well seen cameras placed in order to keep Australians safe.

In conclusion it is clear that security cameras are not an invasion of privacy. They are in public areas and are placed in easy to see places. Unlike what the people who think security cameras are an invasion of privacy seem to believe.

jz27

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2017, 08:48:23 pm »
0
NOICE im assuming u did it in 15 minutes?
« Last Edit: June 01, 2017, 08:53:56 pm by Jack_Zhou_JZ »
2020: Chinese SLA [34-> ~43]
2021 (raw): English [42] Spesh [43] Methods [45] Chem [40] Physics [41]

ATAR: 99.30
UCAT: 3240 (99th)
Studying Medicine at Monash University

Currently taking students for 2023 selective school entry exam, email [email protected] for more details

Running a free selective schools information session on the 17th of July. Email for more details!

jz27

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2017, 09:42:32 pm »
0
I'm doing the same prompt as pro (crastinator)  ;) but I'm on the agreeing side.\

Security camera's, something that we encounter far too more than we would hope to, is considered an invasion of privacy. In fact, IT IS. Something that follows you everywhere, regardless of whether you want it to or not, is definitely more than an invasion of privacy.

Nothing more can be despised other than having an omniscient character "mysteriously" knowing every single detail about you. From what you do on a daily basis, to your secret fetishes that you wish to remain secret. In the modern society, this is deemed "stalking", an illegal act. Security camera's are perfectly suitable for that. Therefore, it is undeniably true that security cameras are an invasion of privacy.

Having someone watch everything you do and everything that occurs around you is bound to apply pressure on you. Around the camera you have to mould yourself into someone that's not you. Through the camera people will judge you on what you do. Camera's force people to act in a way that is learned, that that is invading your personal environment.

People may disagree, and tend to think security cameras are used to catch crimes, and are beneficial in this use. This is true, but it doesn't change the fact that security cameras catch more than just crimes.

The previous points then conclude that, because of potential stalking, forced change in attitude and behavior. Security cameras are unarguably an assault on the right to privacy.



THANKS FOR READING!!!!
2020: Chinese SLA [34-> ~43]
2021 (raw): English [42] Spesh [43] Methods [45] Chem [40] Physics [41]

ATAR: 99.30
UCAT: 3240 (99th)
Studying Medicine at Monash University

Currently taking students for 2023 selective school entry exam, email [email protected] for more details

Running a free selective schools information session on the 17th of July. Email for more details!

GalacticProcess

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2017, 10:30:43 pm »
+3
I'm doing the same prompt as pro (crastinator)  ;) but I'm on the agreeing side.\

Security camera's, something that we encounter far too more Sounds dodgy. Maybe replace more with often and remove the "than we would hope to. than we would hope to, is considered an invasion of privacy. In fact, IT IS. Don't need to restate what you said in first sentence. Something that follows you everywhere, regardless of whether you want it to or not, is definitely more than an invasion of privacy. I think you need to write about the arguments you will discuss in the conclusion. From what I have read, you have not done that.

Nothing more can be despised other than having an omniscient character "mysteriously" knowing every single detail about you. Maybe start with "To begin with..." From what you do on a daily basis, to your secret fetishes Wrong word to use here. Fetish has a completely different meaning to what you have said, unless you are actually trying to state someones sexual fetishes. that you wish to remain secret. In the modern society, this is deemed "stalking", an illegal act. Security camera's are perfectly suitable for that. Therefore, it is undeniably true that security cameras are an invasion of privacy.

Having someone watch everything you do and everything that occurs around you is bound to apply pressure on you. Maybe say "In addition". Around the camera you have to mould (Mold) yourself into someone that's not you. Through the camera people will judge you on what you do. Camera's force people to act in a way that is learned, that that is invading your personal environment.

People may disagree, and tend to think security cameras are used to catch crimes, and are beneficial in this use. This is true, but it doesn't change the fact that security cameras catch more than just crimes. You need to write why what other people say is wrong. Writing "but it doesn't change the fact that security cameras catch more than just crimes" does not suffice.

The previous points then conclude that, because of potential stalking, forced change in attitude and behavior. The sentence doesn't make sense. It may be unfinished. Security cameras are unarguably an assault on the right to privacy. I think this is too concise. I assume that this conclusion is rushed because of the lack of time. A possible conclusion could be "Therefore, it can be concluded that the use of security cameras is an act of privacy. Potential stalking, a forced change in attitude and behaviour are all consequences of the use and implementation of security cameras. Hence, security cameras should undoubtedly not be used," This conclusion explains all of your points but it sounds less rushed.



THANKS FOR READING!!!!

Things you can work on:
-Explain the consequences of the use of security cameras. EXPLAIN why using them is not right. Don't just list
-Make sure you use words in the correct context (Eg. Fetish in that context doesn't make sense. Fetish refers to a sexual desire.)

The writing wasn't bad so well done. I'll try to correct some more pieces if I have time. I though that if people take the time to correct my essays, why not give back to the AtarNotes community?
Good luck!

jz27

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2017, 07:54:38 am »
0
OOOH damn, lol i thought fetish meant a wierd hobby  THX BRO!! ;D ;D
2020: Chinese SLA [34-> ~43]
2021 (raw): English [42] Spesh [43] Methods [45] Chem [40] Physics [41]

ATAR: 99.30
UCAT: 3240 (99th)
Studying Medicine at Monash University

Currently taking students for 2023 selective school entry exam, email [email protected] for more details

Running a free selective schools information session on the 17th of July. Email for more details!

GalacticProcess

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #9 on: June 02, 2017, 11:57:42 am »
0
OOOH damn, lol i thought fetish meant a wierd hobby  THX BRO!! ;D ;D
No worries. I probably won't have a lot of time correcting your pieces as I am also writing essays myself. I also have exams next week so I am a bit busy at the moment.
Good luck!

brenden

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2017, 04:51:55 pm »
+3
Huge props to those giving feedback ITT :)
✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

zhen

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2017, 06:23:51 pm »
+5
Creative

A loud rumbling woke me up at 2am, I believed it was odd  and unusual.My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go and investigate. After blindly walking around and quickly checking every room and cupboard, I gave up. As soon as I climbed into my cosy bed sheets, the rumbling grew louder. Extremely disturbed by this, I traced the sound to it's origin, the living room. This felt like one of those films, where there was a magic portal that will enable access to another world, and sure enough........there wasn't. I wandered around the living room, nothing odd was detected, actually nothing much could be detected at all without the aid of a source of light. I swiftly strided to where I assume the light switch to be, but on my second stride a abrupt creaking sound sent shivers down my spine, I looked down and reached my hand underneath the worn out rug, a prized possession of my grandma, who knitted it herself. I felt a rectangular panel. After gently moving the rug aside, I threw open the panel. Newly lit torches illuminated a staircase descending into an obscured place. I carefully walked down the cobblestone stairway afraid to encounter any kind of trap. Instead I found a ghastly looking door with a key already inserted into the keyhole, as if the door itself was inviting me to open it. I anxiously turned the handle and on the other side of the door was my grandma, furiously knitting something, she seemed to be in a trance...   ( I DUNNO WOT I WAZZ THINKING????)   PLZ GIMME TIPS AND SUGGESTIONS> ALSO SUGGEST A BETTER ENDING> THX
I'm providing really brief like feedback, since I'm crazy busy.
Positives
-Good description
-Solid essay overall

Negatives
-Uninteresting plot
-No sense of suspense (kind of links to the above)
-No real build up (links to the above)
-Not really a negative, but you're telling too much and not showing. For example, when you talk about walking blindly, you could describe the person tripping over something
-Dodgy ending

Overall great creative. It's better than what I wrote for my entrance exam. I think that if you can replicate this level or better, then you'll be set.   ;D

zhen

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2017, 06:30:26 pm »
+5
Topic: Are Security Cameras an Invasion of Privacy

Security cameras are in just about every public area. They are in shops, arenas, libraries, and parks. It's almost impossible to avoid them. Some think these cameras, put in place to capture footage of crime is an invasion of privacy. However other, more informed and educated people beg to differ.

Security cameras are only placed in public areas. These areas are called public for a reason, they are open to the public. No cameras are placed in someone's house without permission. In every place where there are security cameras people are aware others can see them. Therefore it isn't an invasion of privacy.

In most places where there are security cameras people are aware that they are there. Security cameras are usually placed in easy to see areas and some are places even have a sign saying 'Security cameras in use'. There are no sneaky lenses secretly peeking at unsuspecting victims. Only well seen cameras placed in order to keep Australians safe.

In conclusion it is clear that security cameras are not an invasion of privacy. They are in public areas and are placed in easy to see places. Unlike what the people who think security cameras are an invasion of privacy seem to believe.
Positives
-Good introduction that introduces the topic
-Decent arguments in body para 1
-Decent arguments in body para 2
-Decent expression overall
-Good conlcusion that sums up all your points

Negatives
-Introduction could introduce arguments (this is my subjective preference)
-Not formal enough at times and at time your expression gets clunky. "These areas are called public for a reason..." "There are no sneaky lenses secretly peeking at unsuspecting victims."
These are some examples that you could fix
-Not really a negative, but I feel like a strong third point would be security cameras are there for security and help protect the public

Overall great essay.  ;D Continue working hard and good luck for your entrance exam.  :)

jz27

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2017, 06:33:57 pm »
0
ONCE AGAIN...............................THX BRO
2020: Chinese SLA [34-> ~43]
2021 (raw): English [42] Spesh [43] Methods [45] Chem [40] Physics [41]

ATAR: 99.30
UCAT: 3240 (99th)
Studying Medicine at Monash University

Currently taking students for 2023 selective school entry exam, email [email protected] for more details

Running a free selective schools information session on the 17th of July. Email for more details!

jz27

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Re: SEND ESSAYS HERE FOR SELECTIVE EXAM PRACTICE [NEED CHECKERS]
« Reply #14 on: June 03, 2017, 01:01:44 pm »
0
Oh wait.. That wasnt my writing lol
2020: Chinese SLA [34-> ~43]
2021 (raw): English [42] Spesh [43] Methods [45] Chem [40] Physics [41]

ATAR: 99.30
UCAT: 3240 (99th)
Studying Medicine at Monash University

Currently taking students for 2023 selective school entry exam, email [email protected] for more details

Running a free selective schools information session on the 17th of July. Email for more details!