Selective School Exam Year 9 Entry

[zhen]

Oh wait.. That wasnt my writing lol

Well, I did correct your creative. Didn't correct your persuasive since it was already corrected.

[12345D]

Topic: How should schools deal with bullying?

Every day, a child walks to school, fearful of being teased or hurt. The child tries to avoid the older children, cautious that the teasing is incessant. It makes the child feel depressed and pessimistic. Therefore, action must be taken, especially for the vulnerable children being hassled by others. However, schools’ attempts to put an end to bullying are fruitless, proving that there is no end to bullying.

Schools can hire wellbeing teams. This process assures that students can access support towards the child’s emotional resilience. This method can prove to be effective as it indicates to the bully that it has absolutely no effect upon them. Hence why wellbeing teams are an effective way to stop bullying and support the victim.

Notification to parents may also be an effective way to deal with bullying. This method makes the parents of the victim aware of the situation, resulting in parents being able to support their child and converse with them. It also assists in students becoming fully acknowledgeable of the fact that they are not alone. Evidently, notification to parents is crucial in order to support the student bullied.

Therefore, schools must act immediately to bullying as repercussions, such as depression and anxiety may come into effect later in life. Bullying can be treated in effective ways as listed, which clear proves that bullying can be stopped.

Please and thank you!

[zhen]

Topic: How should schools deal with bullying?

Every day, a child walks to school, fearful of being teased or hurt. The child tries to avoid the older children, cautious that the teasing is incessant. It makes the child feel depressed and pessimistic. Therefore, action must be taken, especially for the vulnerable children being hassled by others. However, schools’ attempts to put an end to bullying are fruitless, proving that there is no end to bullying.

Schools can hire wellbeing teams. This process assures that students can access support towards the child’s emotional resilience. This method can prove to be effective as it indicates to the bully that it has absolutely no effect upon them. Hence why wellbeing teams are an effective way to stop bullying and support the victim.

Notification to parents may also be an effective way to deal with bullying. This method makes the parents of the victim aware of the situation, resulting in parents being able to support their child and converse with them. It also assists in students becoming fully acknowledgeable of the fact that they are not alone. Evidently, notification to parents is crucial in order to support the student bullied.

Therefore, schools must act immediately to bullying as repercussions, such as depression and anxiety may come into effect later in life. Bullying can be treated in effective ways as listed, which clear proves that bullying can be stopped.

Please and thank you!

Positives
-Decent starting sentence
-Introduction clearly outlines contention
-Ideas are pretty solid
-Second body paragraph is pretty good
-Decent conclusion which really ends the essay on a high note

Negatives
-Expression here is a bit clunky "The child tries to avoid the older children, cautious that the teasing is incessant. It makes the child feel depressed and pessimistic."
-"teased" is a bit informal in my opinion
-"access support towards the child’s emotional resilience" This can be phrased better since it's a bit unclear
-"This method can prove to be effective as it indicates to the bully that it has absolutely no effect upon them"
This is another sentence that isn't expressed very well

Overall your ideas are pretty good  , it's just that at times your expression gets clunky and convoluted. Anyway, keep up the good work and good luck on your entrance exam. 

[jz27]

I stepped forward into nothingness. I was drifting, all my movements useless, weakened to the vacuum of space. The darkness surrounded me, obscuring my vision for a moment. Then light came to view, it emanated from the distant stars. Or at least, the shadow of them, I knew that many of the stars I can see now may have vanquished millions of years ago. The legacy of the stars still exist as glowing dots that create constellations. My rapidly flailing arms were useless to me. I loosened my muscles and let nature take control. Nothing made contact with me, not even my own clothes. I felt blank and my stomach churned. I looked back and saw a sphere, that was dominantly blue with patches of green and streaks of white. This was where I came to existence. It was earth.





I COULDNT THINK OF MUCH -_-

[zhen]

I stepped forward into nothingness. I was drifting, all my movements useless, weakened to the vacuum of space. The darkness surrounded me, obscuring my vision for a moment. Then light came to view, it emanated from the distant stars. Or at least, the shadow of them, I knew that many of the stars I can see now may have vanquished millions of years ago. The legacy of the stars still exist as glowing dots that create constellations. My rapidly flailing arms were useless to me. I loosened my muscles and let nature take control. Nothing made contact with me, not even my own clothes. I felt blank and my stomach churned. I looked back and saw a sphere, that was dominantly blue with patches of green and streaks of white. This was where I came to existence. It was earth.

I COULDNT THINK OF MUCH -_-

This has some really good description, but I feel like the major flaw is that it lacks a proper plot and if you want do this type of creative with no plot, you really need to nail the description and make it a lot more detailed. Anyway good job and good luck for your upcoming entrance exam.

[brenden]

Pals-- can we get zhen some upvotes?

[pro(crastinator)]

Prompt: A picture of an old wooden house

Tim Stilt stood tall at the door of the wrecked house. The creaky wood, smashed windows and graffitied exteriors would scare away most people. Except for Tim. If anything the aged house filled him with love. This house was particularly significant to him.

As he stepped inside memories flew into his head. Tim stumbled at the thought that the home he spent most of his 89 years in would soon be demolished. Dusty frames that hung by a nail revealed images of the late parent he once embraced every day. "How could they demolish such a beloved place? Even after I pleaded on my knees. Must life be so cruel?" he said to himself. Never in his life had he felt such despair.

Grabbing the portrait he ran as fast as his legs could go out of the house. As much as he would have loved to stay and soak up all the details and memories inside, he knew the demolishing crew would come soon. Suddenly a wrecking ball flew into the house. Planks of wood jumped into the air reminding him of how he used to throw his ball inside the house. Although the materials are long gone the memories were here to stay.

[zhen]

Prompt: A picture of an old wooden house

Tim Stilt stood tall at the door of the wrecked house. The creaky wood, smashed windows and graffitied exteriors would scare away most people. Except for Tim. If anything the aged house filled him with love. This house was particularly significant to him.

As he stepped inside memories flew into his head. Tim stumbled at the thought that the home he spent most of his 89 years in would soon be demolished. Dusty frames that hung by a nail revealed images of the late parent he once embraced every day. "How could they demolish such a beloved place? Even after I pleaded on my knees. Must life be so cruel?" he said to himself. Never in his life had he felt such despair.

Grabbing the portrait he ran as fast as his legs could go out of the house. As much as he would have loved to stay and soak up all the details and memories inside, he knew the demolishing crew would come soon. Suddenly a wrecking ball flew into the house. Planks of wood jumped into the air reminding him of how he used to throw his ball inside the house. Although the materials are long gone the memories were here to stay.

This is pretty amazing and meaninful creative. I'm extremely impressed at your ability to deliver such a great story and interesting story given the time limit. I feel like this was your weakest part of your whole creative.

"How could they demolish such a beloved place? Even after I pleaded on my knees. Must life be so cruel?" he said to himself. Never in his life had he felt such despair.

I feel like you could really describe and show the despair he felt. Like saying tears begain trickling down my face/a wave of grief washed over me.

That said, it's an amazing creative and I feel like it's much better than the creatives I was writing in year 8. Anyway great job and keep up the good work.

[12345D]

Prompt: Should children as young as 14 years old be allowed to hold jobs?

Children of this generation are irresponsible and disruptive. Yet, the government allows children as young as fourteen years of age, to work. This is a rash, absurd decision to be made, hence why it should be overruled.

Children, at the age of fourteen, are still students attending school. Due to their jobs, come children tend to skip classes. Therefore, they also tend to fall behind in classes, resulting in them achieving low grades. Evidently, fourteen-year-old children must not have jobs as it is clear that it has a major effect upon their education.

Teenagers are not experienced enough to work. They have not undertaken any work experience. This could possibly leave shops or businesses unable to serve their consumers wither their products. Having unexperienced workers can also lead to damaging of equipment or potentially even a financial loss. Therefore, as children at the age of fourteen are inexperienced, it would not be suitable for them to be in a working environment.

It is evident that children as young as fourteen years of age, are not ready to work. Their inexperience contribute immensely to the idea that they should not work. Therefore, they are not suitable workers.

[patriciarose]

super busy right now (and for the next couple weeks aaaaah) but i'll have a shot at correcting your creatives (: most of this will be grammar though, because it's super easy to fix and it makes you look polished and to be totally honest i don't have enough brainpower to correct ideas at the moment.

Creative

A loud rumbling woke me up at 2am, I believed it was odd  and unusual. show, don't tell. aka: A loud, unusual rumbling shook me from sleep in the middle of the night. I looked at the clock, its (don't need an apostrophe because a clock is inanimate) blinking LED numbers the only light in the room, and frowned. It was 2am, that was odd. My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go and investigate. After blindly walking around and quickly checking every room and cupboard, I gave up. ButAs soon as I climbed into my cosy bed sheets, the rumbling grew louder. Extremely disturbed by this, I traced the sound to it's sound is inanimate, cut the apostrophe.origin, the living room. This felt like one of those films, where there was a magic portal that will enable access to another world, and sure enough........there wasn't. okay. couple of things here: three full stops make an ellipses so i'd stop at that. not that you lose marks for this i don't think, but still. I wandered around the living room, nothing odd was detected, actually nothing much could be detected at all without the aid of a source of light. I swiftly strided strodeto where I assume the light switch to be, but on my second stride a abrupt creaking sound sent shivers down my spine, either full stop here, or a semi colon, or a linking word like 'so.' I looked down and reached my hand underneath the worn out rug, a prized possession of my grandma, who knitted it herself. I felt a rectangular panel. i'm a big believer in showing, not telling. can you say this less directly? After gently moving the rug aside, I threw open the panel. Newly lit torches illuminated a staircase descending into an obscured place. I carefully walked down the cobblestone stairway afraid to encounter any kind of trap. Instead I found a ghastly looking door with a key already inserted into the keyhole, as if the door itself was inviting me to open it. nice. I anxiously turned the handle and on the other side of the door was my grandma, furiously knitting something, she seemed to be in a trance...   ( I DUNNO WOT I WAZZ THINKING?)   PLZ GIMME TIPS AND SUGGESTIONS> ALSO SUGGEST A BETTER ENDING> THX

i... also don't know what you were thinking omg. i had no idea where you were going and tbh i still don't, um, so my suggestion would literally be to not go super-paranormal unless you have a resolution planned. (: otherwise, not bad, i think you need more description and more direction (ie. where the heck were you going) but there are good aspects that i haven't commented on because my period ends super soon ahaha. good luck with the exam (:

[patriciarose]

Pals-- can we get zhen some upvotes?

seconded, thirded, fourthed – he's marking everything and it deserves all the +1s!

Prompt: A picture of an old wooden house

Tim Stilt stood tall at the door of the wrecked house. The creaky wood, smashed windows and graffitied exteriors would scare away most people. Except for Tim. If anything the aged house filled him with love. This house was particularly significant to him.

As he stepped inside memories flew into his head. Tim stumbled at the thought that the home he hadspent most of his 89 years in would soon be demolished. Dusty frames that hung by a nail revealed images of the late parent he once embraced every day. "How could they demolish such a beloved place? Even after I pleaded on my knees. Must life be so cruel?" he said to himself. could probably replace said with wondered incredulously or something, it's a little more emotive. Never in his life had he felt such despair.

Grabbing the portrait commahe ran as fast as his legs could go out of the house. As much as he would have loved to stay and soak up all the details and memories inside, he knew the demolishing crew would come soon. i mean, not to nitpick, but they are probably going to make sure an old man isn't inside the house before they start messing around with wrecking balls, but still. also, i have quite a limited sample size but i have not yet met an 89 year old who can run. also, i feel like he could have left slowly, savouring his last fleeting moments in the house for extra emotion etc – but again, i'm literally only picking on this because there's really nothing else to point out haha. Suddenly a wrecking ball flew into the house. Planks of wood jumped into the air reminding him of how he used to throw his ball inside the house. Although the materials are long gone the memories were here to stay. this does bring it to a close quite well tbh. impressive for 15 minutes!

so this is really very good for 15min (and even not for 15 min tbh, like i'm sure people would struggle to get near this quality in half an hour) and it's pretty obvious i had nothing concrete to suggest. good job! (:

Prompt: Should children as young as 14 years old be allowed to hold jobs?

Children of this generation are irresponsible and disruptive. Yet, the government allows children as young as fourteen years of age, this comma is confusing me. either stick another one after children or remove it. to work. This is a rash, absurd good adjectives. decision to be made, hence why it should be overruled.

Children, at the age of fourteen, are still students attending school. Due to their jobs, come children tend to skip classes. Therefore, they also tend to fall behind in classes, resulting in them achieving low grades. Evidently, fourteen-year-old children must not have jobs as it is clear that it has a major effect upon their education. this is not a bad argument except for the fact that i am 99% sure that you can't employ children to work in school hours on a school day. however, you could probably go the whole 'after school jobs take up valuable time that would otherwise be used for homework and developing their own sense of self etc etc' route.

Teenagers are not experienced enough to work. They have not undertaken any work experience. This could possibly leave shops or businesses unable to serve their consumers wither that's not a word in this context and idk what to replace it with oops.
 unless you mean with actually because that would work. their products. Having unexperienced workers can also lead to damaging of equipment or potentially even a financial loss. Therefore, as children at the age of fourteen are inexperienced, it would not be suitable for them to be in a working environment.

It is evident that children as young as fourteen years of age, are not ready to work. Their inexperience contribute immensely to the idea that they should not work. Therefore, they are not suitable workers. ...and the law that allows them to do so is outdated/should be overruled. (:

your argument progresses logically and i like this (: hopefully someone who is actually good at persuasive pieces will mark this too though because i hate them and i'm sure they could give you better feedback! good luck with the test though (:

[jz27]

LEEOR ROSE

[jz27]

Uniforms are compulsory in most schools in Australia, but what really is the point of forcing students to wear a thick blazer to school on a hot day. Set uniforms oppose the idea of everyone being unique and creates an monotonous environment for students.

Parents and teachers continuously ramble about everyone being unique. Is uniqueness really shown by forcibly making students wear matching outfits? Wouldn't a better display of difference be casual clothes? What people wear represents their beliefs, hobbies and personalities. Unless someone "wants" to wear school uniform, which is improbable. Because matching clothing opposes uniqueness it should not be forcefully subjected to students.

Nobody wants to study in a stereotypical classroom. Where blazers dominate the classroom and everything is the same. Everyone has the same hairstyle, and everyone is wearing "school uniform". If school uniform policies were abolished, it is obvious that everyone will be sporting their desired clothing which is surely more comfortable than the blazer. To avoid a monotonous classroom school uniforms shouldn't be required.

Some may argue that uniforms represent school pride, but is pride represented when everyone is the same? Is the any pride in opposing uniqueness?

That delineates everything and it is concluded, that due to the lack of uniqueness of the uncomfortable uniform that ultimately creates boring and tedious lessons. The school uniform policy should unequivocally be removed.

[Joseph41]

Note: never sat an exam for a selective school and didn't go to one, so take feedback with a grain of salt.

Uniforms are compulsory in most schools in Australia, Are they? but what really is the point of forcing students to wear a thick blazer to school on a hot day. This seems like a question to me (even though it's rhetorical) - so make sure you use the appropriate symbols (a question mark in this case). Set uniforms oppose the idea of everyone being unique and creates an monotonous This should be "a monotonous" rather than "an monotonous" environment for students.

Parents and teachers continuously A minor point, but I think you may mean "continually". Continuously means without stopping - continually remeans often, at regular intervals. ramble about everyone being unique. Is uniqueness really shown by forcibly making students wear matching outfits? Wouldn't a better display of difference be casual clothes? What people wear represents their beliefs, hobbies and personalities. Unless someone "wants" to wear school uniform, which is improbable. This last sentence seems a little informal to me, because it's not a full sentence. It feels like it's missing something. Because matching clothing opposes uniqueness it should not be forcefully subjected to students.

Nobody wants to study in a stereotypical classroom. Where blazers dominate the classroom and everything is the same. The same thing here. It's possibly a stylistic choice, but these "half sentences" (like the last one before this comment) make your piece feel a little disjointed. Everyone has the same hairstyle, and everyone is wearing "school uniform". If school uniform policies were abolished, it is obvious that everyone will be sporting their desired clothing which is surely more comfortable than the blazer. To avoid a monotonous classroom school uniforms shouldn't be required.

Some may argue that uniforms represent school pride, but is pride represented when everyone is the same? Is the any pride in opposing uniqueness?

That delineates everything and it is concluded, that due to the lack of uniqueness of the uncomfortable uniform that ultimately creates boring and tedious lessons. Not a big fan of this sentence! It feels a little cluttered to me. I'd try to avoid what is called the passive voice (such as when you say "it is concluded"). I also don't think you need to note that you're concluding something - a good conclusion suggests that inherently. The school uniform policy should unequivocally be removed.

Overall feedback:
- You have a clear contention, which is great!
- There's a logical enough progression of arguments (you introduce the topic, then say what you think)
- I liked the use of rhetorical questions (they got me thinking about the topic), but I think you possibly overuse them a little
- I'd try to avoid those sentence fragments (what I referred to as "half sentences"), because it makes your piece sound a little conversational

Well done.

[jz27]

MY TWO FRIENDS WANTED TO COMPETE WITH ME SO THEY DID SPACE PROMPT AS WELL

RATE WHO S IS BETTER


Friend 1: 5 MIN
I was in this amazing place filled with stars. I could see planets, I stepped onto the moon for the first time. As I took my first step a cloud of dust formed around my space shoes. This galaxy blue world seemed like were I belonged. I saw a meteor, it was coming my way, blue streaks trailing behind it, it came closer and closer. I could not escape. It came thundering down with an inferno behind it. I was doomed.

Friend 2: 6 MIN
I stepped into the black, empty galaxy. A rope tightened around my waist which secured me to our spaceship. The freezing air turned my body numb and ice cold. Large, deformed rocks flew past me into the black nothingness. The stars gleamed brightly and contrasted the black, empty galaxy. My breathing was heavy as I drifted around ever so slowly. I turned to find my eyes blinded by the spaceship that glowed white, surrounded by a black galaxy. I returned to the ship and seated myself in the cockpit. This was only the start of my everlasting journey to Mars.