To: Elyse
Hi Elyse
Please find attached my 4u MW. I would love your feedback on it. All the highlighted sections are medical interactions that I need to make sure are authentic enough.
Kind Regards,
Adi
Hi Adi,
I'm commenting in little chunks here rather than copying and pasting the entire thing over when there's only certain things I wish to comment on.
Firstly, the first highlighted section. I don't imagine that in the state of flurry that Guy is in, a receptionist would insist on, "Mr...." to get him to say his surname. I haven't researched this like you might have, but it just doesn't seem to me to be something a receptionist would say in this situation. Also, when he reveals he is the guardian, she instantly knows the patient's whereabouts. I imagine that she'd look down at her computer, or her sheet, or something like that, to get the information. This does break up the dialogue from being back and fourth, but I think it works well.
My overall thoughts on the first part: it's really written crisply. I think you've taken a lot of consideration about the way you write and haven't overdone it at all, it's never verbose, and the crisp writing style suits the crisp scene of a hospital. Really well written!
Suggestions for part two:
-This is NOT something I advise if you think in any way you'd be worse off having listened to it, or read it, but I think if you scrounge around the internet you'd be able to find people's experiences of suicide hotlines and this might add to the authenticity of it all. I really have never considered how they might answer the phone, so I'm not sure at all about how close you are to authenticity, but reading widely online (forums like reddit, perhaps?) might give you some good ideas. But, if you think that this will compromise your own health in any way: do not.
By the time I get to page 12, I'm a little confused. Simply because I read the prologue carefully, and the jolting is confusing me. I'm just not
sure that moving between the stages so frequently is serving your purpose well, I think that with less flicks between, it would be easier to follow and still very meaningful. I start to lose my empathy for both Guy and Rami in their respective situations because I'm just trying to keep up. In saying this, there have been some very good passages that describe the relationship between Rami and Guy in again, a very crisp way. Your writing style is a pleasure to read. I also enjoy that, despite the flicking between them, there is the medical title for each section, often filled with a non-medical situation. That keeps it in my mind that something sinister is playing out.
I love the inner conversation Guy has with himself, especially because it takes place in a prom. That's a really special scene.
The last thing I will comment on is the yellow part at the end. I see why the nurse needed to speak so urgently, but I also wonder if this could have waited until Rami officially died? I don't know if it's a reality that a nurse would speak about donating organs when Rami lives for another 40 minutes? Maybe I'm just feeling empathic for Guy, it's a bit of a raw deal. It just seems like a lot is thrown at Guy at once, which questions the actuality of the situation, but it's also a lot for me as a reader, I couldn't grasp the entire situation because I was so quickly moving through the dialogue, I think I have more emotions to offer than what was prompted of me.
In all, this is a really special piece. The complexity of plot and concept is great, and I think you use the subheadings well. I still think I was a bit confused earlier in the story, flicking between stages. I like Rami's attitude and sass, I think she's a great character. Which makes her death more impactful. I do think, also, that I want to know more about the accident. Even if it's just that she did a gymnastics flip wrong in PE, or something like that, because a fall just leaves me thinking "I'm going to find out the real cause soon" and then I don't?
You evoked emotion in me as a reader, which is always important. And, it's a credit to you as an author! Hopefully my thoughts can help you out a bit, even though they shouldn't be taken all on board as gospel words, because I'm just one of the many readers of your work over the process of E2. Good luck!