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June 10, 2023, 11:54:49 am

Author Topic: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread  (Read 117187 times)

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alyssastama

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #30 on: October 06, 2016, 11:24:44 am »
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Hey Alyssa! I love it, I think that provided you subsequently examine what precise values/paradigms you are referencing, then you are golden. This links to the module well and sets up your argument nicely! Again, make sure you give us more clarification with regard to what social paradigms/values you are talking about in the next sentence(s) :) :)

Thank you so much! I think that I do... if it comes in through my topic sentence/context does that work?

alyssastama

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #31 on: October 06, 2016, 11:28:24 am »
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Thank you so much! I think that I do... if it comes in through my topic sentence/context does that work?

Thank you so much for all the work you do for us on here!! Sorry for another post, but I was also wondering if my Discovery thesis works?
We do Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything and its quite a difficult test to create an overall thesis for!
My related text is the Lost Thing.  :)

"For the individual, discovery is a concept that provokes a re evaluation of pervasive understandings, offering new insight into life and humanity. This is especially true when re evaluation is prompted by challenging or adverse situations. If met with flexibility, the renewed perspective from these discoveries can positively shape is as human beings and the world around us."


Mod Edit: Posts Merged :)
« Last Edit: October 06, 2016, 11:40:24 am by jamonwindeyer »

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #32 on: October 06, 2016, 11:36:57 am »
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Thank you so much for all the work you do for us on here!! Sorry for another post, but I was also wondering if my Discovery thesis works?
We do Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything and its quite a difficult test to create an overall thesis for!
My related text is the Lost Thing.  :)

"For the individual, discovery is a concept that provokes a re evaluation of pervasive understandings, offering new insight into life and humanity. This is especially true when re evaluation is prompted by challenging or adverse situations. If met with flexibility, the renewed perspective from these discoveries can positively shape is as human beings and the world around us."


That's no problem!! Happy to be of help! ;D

As long as it comes through somewhere, you are okay. I'm not quite getting it in what I see there, I'd expect you to introduce some more detail in the introduction and then really flesh it out in your body paragraphs!!

That AoS one is picture perfect, I wouldn't add anything to that, jump into introducing your texts and establishing your paragraph arguments!! ;D
« Last Edit: October 06, 2016, 11:41:58 am by jamonwindeyer »

Nicki

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #33 on: October 06, 2016, 05:28:54 pm »
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hi!

i was hoping i could get some advice on my these statement for my discovery essay :) would be much appreciated
was also wondering if its too specific?

thesis:
It is the power of discoveries in being able to confront an individualís intrinsic values and beliefs which allow them to physically and mentally transform an individualís perception of themselves and their surrounding world.
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CaitlinSavins

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #34 on: October 06, 2016, 06:07:13 pm »
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Hello! I've been a massive nerd and spent more studying than socialising but the good news is that I already have some idea of what my thesis will be about :)

Discoveries often act as catalysts for the cultivation of maturity in an individualís life. This growth is stimulated by evocative discoveries, both deliberate and unforeseen, made within the paradigms of emotion, intellect and spiritualism, and grants the individual the lucidity to challenge and question their past perspectives.

Is this clear and to the point? How can I improve it?

amina_98

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #35 on: October 06, 2016, 06:15:49 pm »
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Hey guys!
This is my thesis statement for AOS Discovery Essay.
Discoveries encompass exposure to new landscapes. An individual reconsidering their outlooks can evoke this within themselves and others, challenging their ideals held about themselves and the world around them. Shakespeare's play, "The Tempest" and Peter Weir's drama film "Dead Poets Society" convey this through their depitction of the far reaching impact of emotional and self-discoveries.

I'd like some feedback as to whether a third party believes this is succint and adaptable? Cheers  ;D
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #36 on: October 06, 2016, 06:40:47 pm »
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hi!

i was hoping i could get some advice on my these statement for my discovery essay :) would be much appreciated
was also wondering if its too specific?

thesis:
It is the power of discoveries in being able to confront an individualís intrinsic values and beliefs which allow them to physically and mentally transform an individualís perception of themselves and their surrounding world.

Hey Nicki! I like the idea you are putting across, it works well, but I think your expression could be tidied a tad:

It is the power of discoveries inAn individual being able to confront an individualís their intrinsic values and beliefs which allows them to physically and mentally transform an individualístheir perceptions of themselves and their surrounding world.

Provided you then go into just a tad more detail, likely to link to the question, I really like it! ;D I don't think it is too specific, you could use it in response to a variety of questions, but perhaps have other ideas in your back pocket in case you get something particularly nasty ;)

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #37 on: October 06, 2016, 06:44:43 pm »
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Hello! I've been a massive nerd and spent more studying than socialising but the good news is that I already have some idea of what my thesis will be about :)

Discoveries often act as catalysts for the cultivation of maturity in an individualís life. This growth is stimulated by evocative discoveries, both deliberate and unforeseen, made within the paradigms of emotion, intellect and spiritualism, and grants the individual the lucidity to challenge and question their past perspectives.

Is this clear and to the point? How can I improve it?

Hey Caitlin! Glad to hear from a fellow nerd ;)

I like this Thesis! I think it would work better if you used a synonym for discoveries in the second sentence, or perhaps framed it a little differently, right now it is repetitious. Your expression in the last part of that second sentence could also perhaps be polished ever so slightly, just a tad messy:

Discoveries often act as catalysts for the cultivation of maturity in an individualís life. This growth is stimulated by evocative discoveriesSYNONYM, both deliberate and unforeseen, made within the paradigms of emotion, intellect and spiritualism, andthus grantsing the individual the lucidity to challenge and question their past perspectives.

I think this is a really great Thesis! Well developed, though you may want to practice linking it to questions once Year 12 starts. I love that you have ideas already, if you are writing this already you should feel super confident for the 12 months ahead! ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #38 on: October 06, 2016, 06:47:13 pm »
+1
Hey guys!
This is my thesis statement for AOS Discovery Essay.
Discoveries encompass exposure to new landscapes. An individual reconsidering their outlooks can evoke this within themselves and others, challenging their ideals held about themselves and the world around them. Shakespeare's play, "The Tempest" and Peter Weir's drama film "Dead Poets Society" convey this through their depitction of the far reaching impact of emotional and self-discoveries.

I'd like some feedback as to whether a third party believes this is succint and adaptable? Cheers  ;D

Third party reporting for duty ;) okay, so I love the way you bring in the texts but still link to a concept quickly, that works well. I think your Thesis itself is very adaptable, though perhaps slightly simplistic, I'd like to see you add more to that first sentence that responds to the question and develops some sophistication (EG - What does this exposure cause? What landscapes do you mean, just physical or emotional as well?). Expression is definitely great. On the whole, I think this works well, and should be nicely adaptable for an essay question! Just remember to spice it up a bit when you see the specific question ;D


amina_98

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #39 on: October 06, 2016, 06:55:36 pm »
+1
Thank you so much Jamon!!
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Nicki

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #40 on: October 06, 2016, 07:20:28 pm »
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thank you!

Hey Nicki! I like the idea you are putting across, it works well, but I think your expression could be tidied a tad:

It is the power of discoveries inAn individual being able to confront an individualís their intrinsic values and beliefs which allows them to physically and mentally transform an individualístheir perceptions of themselves and their surrounding world.

Provided you then go into just a tad more detail, likely to link to the question, I really like it! ;D I don't think it is too specific, you could use it in response to a variety of questions, but perhaps have other ideas in your back pocket in case you get something particularly nasty ;)
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Rikahs

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #41 on: October 06, 2016, 08:12:32 pm »
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Hi everyone!

Could I please get some feedback on my AOS essay thesis and intro, any feedback would be appreciated.

Individuals who embrace possibilities inevitably become transformed even if they had previously shown a reluctance to accept new ideas and values. In the documentary Go Back to Where you Came From (ĎGBTWYCFí) we see individuals such as Raye, Raquel and Adam, display perspectives and attitudes stemming from racism and ignorance. Through being confronted by the suffering of refugees, they reluctantly transform into tolerant individuals. Similarly, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad is a narrative of self-discovery by the protagonist, who experiences a confronting disillusionment with a previous ideology ultimately resulting in transformation.
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massive

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #42 on: October 06, 2016, 08:47:10 pm »
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guys, I know this may be weird time to ask, especially with hsc one week away, but better late than never! Well basically, whats the point of having techniques in an essay. I get it, you're trying to prove that your thesis is relevant to both texts and as such you can come to the consensus that it is true for the majority of texts. But how do you use techniques to prove your point? Like cool there's a simile here, but what does it have to do with discovery?

CaitlinSavins

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #43 on: October 06, 2016, 10:37:14 pm »
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Hey Caitlin! Glad to hear from a fellow nerd ;)

I like this Thesis! I think it would work better if you used a synonym for discoveries in the second sentence, or perhaps framed it a little differently, right now it is repetitious. Your expression in the last part of that second sentence could also perhaps be polished ever so slightly, just a tad messy:

Discoveries often act as catalysts for the cultivation of maturity in an individualís life. This growth is stimulated by evocative discoveriesSYNONYM, both deliberate and unforeseen, made within the paradigms of emotion, intellect and spiritualism, andthus grantsing the individual the lucidity to challenge and question their past perspectives.

I think this is a really great Thesis! Well developed, though you may want to practice linking it to questions once Year 12 starts. I love that you have ideas already, if you are writing this already you should feel super confident for the 12 months ahead! ;D

Hello again, I've modified them following your instructions in two ways:
1. Discoveries often act as catalysts for the cultivation of maturity in an individualís life. This transformation, stimulated by evocative realisations both deliberately planned and unforeseen, occurs within the paradigms of emotion, intellect and spiritualism and consequently grants the individual the lucidity to challenge and question their past perspectives.
2. Discoveries often act as catalysts for the cultivation of maturity in an individualís life. This growth is stimulated by evocative realisations, both deliberately planned and unforeseen, made within the paradigms of emotion, intellect and spiritualism, thus granting the individual the lucidity to challenge and question their past perspectives.

Personally I think the first one is better because it sounds smarter, but using big words =/= logic and sense. Can I get an expert opinion pls?

elysepopplewell

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Re: Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread
« Reply #44 on: October 06, 2016, 10:56:57 pm »
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guys, I know this may be weird time to ask, especially with hsc one week away, but better late than never! Well basically, whats the point of having techniques in an essay. I get it, you're trying to prove that your thesis is relevant to both texts and as such you can come to the consensus that it is true for the majority of texts. But how do you use techniques to prove your point? Like cool there's a simile here, but what does it have to do with discovery?

Haha, I laughed at, "I know this may be weird time to ask..." LOL, but it's okay, better late than never!

Essentially, you're showing how the composer made deliberate decisions in the composition of their text in order to reveal, extend, simulate, prompt or observe discovery. So every literary technique is either a way for a reader to engage with or access the text, or a direct way of evoking emotion or engagement, or a way of simulating a fictional experience in a real way. So your techniques should be talking about how the author depicts discovery :)
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