Thesis statement feedback and discussion thread

[jamonwindeyer]

Hello awesome moderators!!

i was just wondering if you could help me with my Module C - Exploring Interactions essay thesis/structure?
i just want to clarify if the following thesis/intro and structure is alright and if it can be adapted to fit any HSC question.

Hey! Sure thing, sorry for the late reply!!
Thesis + Intro:
Whether one is subject to a positive or negative interaction, the undergoing of an interactive process with others will irrefutably result in some development or transformation of one’s existing outlook and beliefs regarding themselves and the world in which they live. Contrastingly, a lack of interactions may or may not shape an individual’s attitudes and beliefs. ‘Romulus, My Father’, an autobiographical memoir written by Raimond Gaita, thoroughly explores these ideas through character relationships and detailed accounts of Gaita’s father Romulus, and his life as an immigrant living in rural Australia. The ideas are further supported by Sylvia Plath’s poem, ‘I Am Vertical’ which demonstrates the impact of interactions and lack of interactions on her persona. Both texts incorporate various techniques to highlight the consequences of these relations and explicitly convey the nature of interaction as precipitating a change in attitudes and beliefs of an individual.

This works really well! The concept could do with some more explanation and clarity, but perhaps best to save that for when you know the question!

Paragraph 1: Positive interactions - RMF
Topic sentence: Positive relationships assist in the development of one’s values and beliefs, and lead to the formation of affirmative perspectives and identities. Good, no comments

Paragraph Two: Negative interactions - RMF + IAV integrated
Topic Sentence: Contrastingly, negative interactions often challenge and transform an individual, adversely impacting upon their self-perception and identity. Excellent, builds from previous idea, I like it

Paragraph Three: Lack of interactions - RMF + IAV integrated
Topic Sentence: An absence of relationships, positive and negative, often leads to antagonistic circumstances in which the individual and their identity are either unaffected, or consequently shaped by their lack of interaction.Yep, works really well, very nicely explained!

No comments here Karyn, these work really really well! Definitely very adaptable too oh, if they ask for two ORT's, just use your one for AoS! It almost definitely won't happen

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, I was wondering if my topic sentences for Discovery were okay. I'm doing The Tempest and This Lime tree bower, my prison

Paragraph 1 (The Tempest) "Uncovering the truth in society shapes the way an individual reflects on who they once were, who they have become and who they should be."

Paragraph 2 (Lime Tree Bower) "Discoveries have transformed our understanding and appreciation of the world around us that allows us to shape the way we perceive the past, present and future."

Paragraph 3 (The Tempest) "the progression of individual growth in new discoveries allow them to gain a new understanding on the way that they perceive the past, present and future."

Hey Mary! I think these work really well, my only comment on them all generally would be that they are slightly broad. I'd challenge you to dig deeper once you know the question; what new understanding are granted? How is the way we perceive the world shaped by Discovery? A little more detail would give you more sophistication, but these are nice and broad, ready to be adapted

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey guys,
Just looking for a bit of feedback on my thesis for discovery:
At the heart of the human experience lies a need to understand our past and create a path for a future. Discoveries are the inherent catalysts of this process. Often discoveries are prompted by a disequilibrium that start us on a process of renewing our perceptions and speculating on future possibilities.

Thank you

Hey Lottie! Sorry for delay: I think this works really, really well. I like that you sort of lead in to the Discovery element, set it up well. I think this is really great and you have a few elements to this that you could accentuate to respond to the question! Nicely done

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Guys, could you just let me know what you think of thesis/intro in response to this question:
The process of discovery involves uncovering what is hidden and reconsidering what is known.
How is this perspective on discovery explored in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing?

Discoveries spawned from chaos have consequences that can vary for individuals, but ultimately reveal hidden ideas and knowledge forcing the reconsideration of an individual’s knowledge. Shakespeare’s The Tempest (1611) contains an island with a melange of different characters, which experience differing vehement metamorphosis depending on their separate discoveries generated by Prospero and his chaotic tempest. Similarly, Guernica (1937) is Pablo Picasso’s artwork of the chaos engendered by fascists’ bombing of the titular town, which creates different profound discoveries about the event and of humanity in general depending on the audience’s perspective. Both texts depict the revealing nature of discovery as it forces us to reconsider what we know to be true.

Hey Mark! Sorry for delay, I think this works really well. The Thesis you present in the first sentence is a little broad; perhaps explore whether you overall view the hidden ideas to be positive, negative or both? I'd also suggest adapting your last sentence so it links to your first a little more explicitly, just to show you've maintained the same idea throughout the introduction and haven't strayed

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks! I get it now. I just have one other question. For discovery i found that playing the devils advocate when answering the question gives your essay a real edge and helps it to stand out. For example if the q was " Discoveries have positive impacts on those involved." playing the devils advocate your thesis would be something like: "How a discovery impacts the people involved relies entirely on what discovery is made." I was just wondering whether you can use this technique for any of the modules. Since you said that mod c is conceptual i'm assuming that playing the devils advocate for that module would be beneficial. Would it work for mod A and B??

You can do this anywhere you please in the manner you described, though it works best for conceptual Thesis statements! It's a little harder to challenge the more text/context specific questions, just based on experience

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey everyone,
Just wondering if I could get some feedback on my introduction for module C, people and politics.
Specifically, how well does it set up my argument and how adaptable is it to different questions, as well as general expression etc.

Representations of people and politics are often a reflection of political motivations and acts and their ramifications on individuals and society more broadly.  Arthur Miller’s dramatic play The Crucible (1953) utilises characterisation to explore how competing voices are silenced in 1692 Salem, paralleling his contextual political situation of McCarthyism. Similarly, Lee Daniels’ historical feature film The Butler (2013) explores competing political perspectives surrounding the American civil rights movement, revealing the impacts of political attitudes and acts on individuals and broader society. Dissent in the form of political perspectives that oppose the majority’s view are silenced by the majority. The ramifications of their political acts can cause injustice to individuals and broader society. These texts are a testament to the notion that composers often deliberately represent political situations of their own context, commenting on the impacts of political acts that silence competing political perspectives.

Thanks guys

Hey Isaac! Some brief comments:
- First sentence is a little broad, it's essentially just saying "The events in texts represent politics broadly." Try and delve a little deeper, add some extra little nugget of detail, or even just express it a little differently (integrate the composers context?)!
- Good introduction of your texts
- You need to incorporate the idea of representation, that techniques are used to represent these political ideas you are discussing

On the whole, a very good introduction, just needs a little cut and polish. It definitely is nicely adaptable, and sets up your argument well!

[karyn.mcdonald]

Hey! Sure thing, sorry for the late reply!!

Thanks again Jamon!

Also just two quick questions:
1. About how much are you expected to write for each essay? is it around 600-1000 words? and how many words is it possible to write in 40 mins?
2. What is the best way the approach study for Close Study of Text (I'm doing Merchant of Venice) - should I be writing study notes on themes and characters or just completing past exam questions? I really don't know where to start because there's so much content to cover! Is there anything particular I can focus on that will definitely aid my essay in the exam?

[marynguyen18]

Hey Mary! I think these work really well, my only comment on them all generally would be that they are slightly broad. I'd challenge you to dig deeper once you know the question; what new understanding are granted? How is the way we perceive the world shaped by Discovery? A little more detail would give you more sophistication, but these are nice and broad, ready to be adapted

thank you so much Jamon, i tried to be as broad as possible as i didn't know the question. How would i be able to dig deeper once i do know the question?

[Justina Shehata]

Hi guys,

I was wondering if you might be able to give me a bit of feedback on my thesis. I was also wondering if you think it might be easily manipulated to suit a question?

A confronting and provocative history has the potential to develop attitudes conducive to the process of discovery. These positive attitudes towards discovery combined with experiences of new worlds allows the reevaluation of perspectives, values and speculations about the future. Through these representations, composers postition the responder to experience transformative discoveries leading to renewed perceptions of human interaction through challenging the relationship between life and art.

Thanks for your help!

I think this is easily adapted to the question given that it is quite broad.
Also, when you say "positive attitudes", I think it is important to establish that not all attitudes are positive towards discovery. Another things is life and art  bit - it is a bit vague. Maybe extend on that a little more explaining what you mean by that

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks again Jamon!

Also just two quick questions:
1. About how much are you expected to write for each essay? is it around 600-1000 words? and how many words is it possible to write in 40 mins?
2. What is the best way the approach study for Close Study of Text (I'm doing Merchant of Venice) - should I be writing study notes on themes and characters or just completing past exam questions? I really don't know where to start because there's so much content to cover! Is there anything particular I can focus on that will definitely aid my essay in the exam?

Most welcome!!

1. Depends on the person, but usually, essays sit in the 700-1000 word mark (it's broad because there is a massive range of writing styles in an exam with 70,000 students ). Exactly how much you write will depend totally on you! It is possible to write 1200-1300 if you are super quick/working from memory, but is that necessary? Absolutely not, most of my essays were around the 900 word mark on average
2. You should be doing both of those things!! But with time short, get some practice under your belt. Any direct practice you can do will directly help you in the exam. That said, make sure you have some basic quotes and themes written down before you begin (just enough to get you through writing an essay)

[jamonwindeyer]

thank you so much Jamon, i tried to be as broad as possible as i didn't know the question. How would i be able to dig deeper once i do know the question?

Hey Mary! Yep I definitely appreciate that, it's a good approach and I think you've nailed it. Digging deeper for the specific question is tricky, it really is just a matter of practice and developing a keen eye for adapting your concepts properly. Try asking the questions I suggested around the specific thing presented; say the question demands an understanding of how discovery is a transformative process. How do transformations alter our understanding of the world? Why are they necessary? Same style of question, but framed around transformations!

[karyn.mcdonald]

Most welcome!!

Thnx

With regards to 'linking' sentences at the conclusion of each paragraph, do you have to link the paragraph back in a stand-alone conceptual statement or can you just finish off whatever you've been saying, whether that's explaining a quote or character, and link it back at the end of the sentence?
e.g. Is the following a good enough 'Link' back to the question or do I have to complete the paragraph with another summary sentence?
The simile has visual implications on the reader who, through visualising and identifying themselves with the comparison, can come to a realisation that the character’s experience has been negatively affected through the isolation of his environment.

btw the idea I'm meant to be linking the above sentence back to is: The harsh and isolated environment of Australia is a key element portrayed by distinctive images to convey its severe and negative impact on the experience of individuals associated with it.

[nancy_cc]

Hi, I was hoping to receive some feedback on my module A thesis/introduction, I feel as though i might just be repeating myself. Thanks in advanced really appreciate what you guys are doing!!

A loss of human values is often the result of authoritative individuals and regimes, which subject their society to inhumane conditions that see a loss of love, freedom and hope. Metropolis (1927) by Fritz Lang and Nineteen Eighty-Four (1948) by George Orwell, examine the detrimental consequences of control and oppression, eventuating in the diminishment of rights and wellbeing of humanity. The dystopic visions of Lang and Orwell, provide means to explore the dysfunction of their respective social and historical contexts to portray their fears toward the future of humanity. Thus, the composers criticise strict political regiment to project cautionary tales for their audiences about the unchecked abuse of power and misuse of technology which ultimately ensue a loss of individualism.

[BPunjabi]

Just some of my intros:[/size]

AOS:
Discovery is a process which everyone goes through, to uncover hidden abilities and differences which are experienced in diversified ways including constant struggles and challenges. Ang Lee's dramatic film ‘Life of Pi' (2012) captures the idea of discovering hidden abilities whilst also drawing focus to the will to live. Sylvia Plath's 1962 poem ‘Cut’, focuses on the assertion of abilities, justifying its process of discovery whilst commenting on the symbolic subject of mortality. Both texts personas feature transformations where they uncover hidden agendas and reconsider what was lost and now found.

MOD A:
Morals are distinctive qualities which every human possess, but how an individual chooses to action their moral duties, forms their character. This sense of moral judgment is seen in William Shakespeare’s 1599 play, ‘Julius Caesar’ as it forges the perception of good versus evil as it uses the historical concept of Roman monarch, Julius Caesar, with the playwrights own political context involving the queens instability from not having a clear successor. Throughout the play, the evident power struggle between good and evil persists through the concept of morality and more importantly persuasion. Correlated to the belief in how characters are vehicles for the struggle between good and evil morality, the concept of fate opposed to fortune is explored in political treatise ‘The Prince’ , written by Niccolo Machiavelli in 1509 as he incorporates historical events to justify the concepts put forward to assist a monarch in running a perfect kingdom. As both texts compare relating identities of morals, the judgment of characters being righteous or dishonourable must be addressed as they are explored in depth.

MOD B:
Dilemmas are problems needing to be explored in various ways to tackle and surpass their boundaries until they are finally exploited. Poems ‘Goblin Market’ (1862) and ‘In an Artist's Studio’ (1896) discretely communicate personal ideology on religious aspects whilst referring to women and femininity in the nineteenth century. Whilst these themes are common in her poetry it is noticeable on how she gives voice to any person inclined to the same values. Rossetti is acclaimed for her poetry opposing social ideals of her context giving voice to women to exceed social prospects.

MOD C:
Control is seen to be the ultimate goal for people involved in Politics as they strive to isolate and secularise people into believing in their ideas.  This idea is shown through the futuristic dystopian novel, ‘Brave New World’ (1932) written by Aldous Huxley, influenced by parts of his personal context whilst connecting those to the ideas of control and isolation.  ‘Blade Runner’ (1981) a neo-neir futuristic film directed by Ridley Scott also possessing dystopian qualities proves how control can isolate a human being into thinking morally corrupt actions for an organisation. Both texts highlight satirical techniques which show the powerful and complex relationship between people and politics especially the way each individual effects their political system and hierarchy.

[MarkThor]

Hey Mark! Sorry for delay, I think this works really well. The Thesis you present in the first sentence is a little broad; perhaps explore whether you overall view the hidden ideas to be positive, negative or both? I'd also suggest adapting your last sentence so it links to your first a little more explicitly, just to show you've maintained the same idea throughout the introduction and haven't strayed

Cool, thanks Jamon for the feedback