Area of Study Creative Writing

[angewina_naguen]

 Hey, everyone!

I would like some feedback on my creative writing and would also like to, in return, offer my peer marking services! Just reply to this thread with your attached creative and I'm happy to give detailed feedback and suggestions too. My creative is set in 1920's Harlem and is told from the perspective of an African-American woman.  Any feedback is greatly appreciated!!

[jamonwindeyer]

Amazing! Right in the spirit of this board, love it

I'm supposed to be asleep right now so I'm not a walking zombie for lectures tomorrow, but a few quick pointers for you:

- I really love your imagery in the opening paragraphs! Some great demonstration of technique. But perhaps a tad overkill? If you use the fancy stuff too much it tends to lose its power, focus it on the things where it is going to make the most impact. Use it to highlight important elements of settings and characters, being selective is a good thing.
- Love your tone, especially as you talk about Cotton Club. Can feel the raw emotion in it - Very cool.
- I love the symbol/metaphor of the "white and black keys" on the piano, I think you could use that more, maybe make it a motif?
- 1163 words is probably on the upper end of what you'd want for a Creative. Trims would possibly help you be able to adapt it more easily on the fly?
- A couple of places where your quite eloquent phrasing gets in the way of a full and complete understanding of what is happening. Read the story aloud to a peer or a family member and see if they follow. As soon as they lose track of you, change that sentence to make it easier. Good way to spot any issues

Hope these quick few tips are helpful

[angewina_naguen]

Amazing! Right in the spirit of this board, love it

I'm supposed to be asleep right now so I'm not a walking zombie for lectures tomorrow, but a few quick pointers for you:

- I really love your imagery in the opening paragraphs! Some great demonstration of technique. But perhaps a tad overkill? If you use the fancy stuff too much it tends to lose its power, focus it on the things where it is going to make the most impact. Use it to highlight important elements of settings and characters, being selective is a good thing.
- Love your tone, especially as you talk about Cotton Club. Can feel the raw emotion in it - Very cool.
- I love the symbol/metaphor of the "white and black keys" on the piano, I think you could use that more, maybe make it a motif?
- 1163 words is probably on the upper end of what you'd want for a Creative. Trims would possibly help you be able to adapt it more easily on the fly?
- A couple of places where your quite eloquent phrasing gets in the way of a full and complete understanding of what is happening. Read the story aloud to a peer or a family member and see if they follow. As soon as they lose track of you, change that sentence to make it easier. Good way to spot any issues

Hope these quick few tips are helpful

Hey, Jamon!

I completely forgot about this post until now  Thank you very much for the feedback! I've taken both yours and Opengangs' feedback on board and will continue working on it. Have a nice day!

Angelina

[dcesaona]

I would love to help!

- I love this sentence, "But blues was visceral. It was ruminative in essence, poignant in delivery and instinctive in the movement of the music. She believed that Negroes were all the embodiments of blues." It's so well-written and beautiful
- I love the ambience that you get from your story. Not only from cotton club, but from the story as a whole. Especially, the fact that it's written in NY. It makes me want to be there - an important effect to have on a reader
- I agree with Jamon in that sometimes the sentences are a bit too "flowery" - more so in the beginning paragraphs before cotton club. Maybe a line like this "Each had arched windows aligned like desks in a classroom; carved with silhouettes of cabaret amateurs, philosophical cats and pastel frocks concealed with aprons." This is just my subjective opinion so feel free to ignore it  but I don't think the line adds anything to the sentence.
- I can see how your creative can be easily adapted to mould to any given stimulus, which is great!

I hope this helps! Oh, and is it okay if you could read over my creative too? 

[angewina_naguen]

I would love to help!

- I love this sentence, "But blues was visceral. It was ruminative in essence, poignant in delivery and instinctive in the movement of the music. She believed that Negroes were all the embodiments of blues." It's so well-written and beautiful
- I love the ambience that you get from your story. Not only from cotton club, but from the story as a whole. Especially, the fact that it's written in NY. It makes me want to be there - an important effect to have on a reader
- I agree with Jamon in that sometimes the sentences are a bit too "flowery" - more so in the beginning paragraphs before cotton club. Maybe a line like this "Each had arched windows aligned like desks in a classroom; carved with silhouettes of cabaret amateurs, philosophical cats and pastel frocks concealed with aprons." This is just my subjective opinion so feel free to ignore it  but I don't think the line adds anything to the sentence.
- I can see how your creative can be easily adapted to mould to any given stimulus, which is great!

I hope this helps! Oh, and is it okay if you could read over my creative too? 

Hey, dcesaona!

Thank you for the feedback! I only just saw this post today so apologies for getting back so late! I would love to have a look at your creative and provide you some comments if you're still in need  You can throw it below in this thread and I'll make sure I check it 

Angelina

[dcesaona]

Hey, dcesaona!

Thank you for the feedback! I only just saw this post today so apologies for getting back so late! I would love to have a look at your creative and provide you some comments if you're still in need  You can throw it below in this thread and I'll make sure I check it 

Angelina

Hey! I was wondering if you would still be able to take a look at my creative? It would mean so much! I totally understand if you're busy though! 
Here's the link to where I posted it: https://atarnotes.com/forum/index.php?topic=179726.0