Synthesis in Area of Study

[angewina_naguen]

Hey, everyone!

I've been writing in an integrated format since I first was taught to and have been in love with it since. It's helped me achieve consistently high marks in Advanced English over Prelim. However, whenever I receive feedback for AOS practice essays or assessments, I am advised to synthesise more and sustain it throughout my essay. Even when I believed I had enough linking and discussion between my texts, I have always been told that I need to do it more and generally "under thesis statements." How do I do this and is there someone who could please give me an example of how to do it? 

Angelina 

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Angelina! I'm actually not 100% sure what this feedback means either, given that if you are writing in an integrated format then you already have things organised conceptually! It could be that your concepts need further development, it could be that things are too text focused - I'm not sure! Could you perhaps upload a paragraph or excerpt where you've received this feedback? It might help our many English experts figure out how best to help you out

[Opengangs]

Heyya!
Perhaps, your ideas aren't connected or that the marker hasn't been given a consistent train of thought so your ideas themselves are strong separately, but they aren't working together. For really specific feedback, please provide a section of your essay. For now, I can only speculate (discovery memes ) that your sustain comment may come from unconnected ideas.

In other words, your marker isn't seeing the "coherence" of the essay in its entirety which can severely damage your essay.

[angewina_naguen]

Thank you both for the speculations ( ) for where the issues could be. This was a paragraph from the assessment which I was given an unseen text to compare with one of Robert Gray's poems. Please excuse the poor construction of sentences xD I wrote this under exam conditions and had to use an unseen related text.

The discoveries of new worlds are able to revise attitudes towards personal identity through the shared experiences with persona in ‘Late Ferry’, and the responder in the print advertisement by Travel Planet 24. Gray alludes in his poem to “a Busby Berkeley spectacular with thousands” to reference the lavish theatrical productions in the early twentieth century. This comments on how  each individual is able to make a difference in the orchestration of shared experiences, highlighting the importance of each individual within the discovering process. The discovery is, hence, more meaningful to the persona through the elaborate, interpersonal experiences they gathered. Meaningful discoveries can also be personalised, as in Text 1 where there is an encouragement for the reader to seek them in Venice. A rhetorical question “wouldn’t it be nice if your body could follow?” is coupled with a depiction of a floating brain that symbolises enlightenment achieved from wholesome, new sights. Gray emphasises the intricacies of the “Busby Berkeley spectacular” to show how human connections can be intensely meaningful and valued through an allusion, enhancing the individual themselves as a significant role in all aspects of society. However, Text 1 chose to leave the reader ambiguous to the discovery being offered in order to speculate on how Venice will be intensely meaningful particularly, and personal to them. Both texts integrate and pose the value of personal identity either nurtured from shared experiences or possibilities that can be fostered in creative and intellectual pursuits, demonstrating how physical places can be pivotal to the persona and responder’s self-awareness.

Any feedback would be useful!

Angelina 

[Opengangs]

Hey!
Sure thing! Your response is located inside the spoiler tag.

Spoiler

The discoveries of new worlds are able (fix this wording; it sounds a bit clunky to me.) to revise attitudes towards personal identity through the shared experiences with persona in ‘Late Ferry’, and the responder in the print advertisement by Travel Planet 24. Gray alludes in his poem to “a Busby Berkeley spectacular with thousands” to reference the lavish theatrical productions in the early twentieth century. This comments on how  each individual is able to make a difference in the orchestration of shared experiences, highlighting the importance of each individual within the discovering process. The discovery is, hence, more meaningful to the persona through the elaborate, interpersonal experiences they gathered. Meaningful discoveries can also be personalised, as in Text 1 where there is an encouragement for the reader to seek them in Venice. (I believe here is where the main issue was; I'm not given a consistent train of thought. You're not making a smooth link between your different ideas you're addressing, which is where the "sustain" comment comes from) A rhetorical question “wouldn’t it be nice if your body could follow?” is coupled with a depiction of a floating brain that symbolises enlightenment achieved from wholesome, new sights. (Furthermore, you're not really relating it back to the personal discoveries formed through your analysis, which further covers the "sustain" comment. At this point, you should have another sentence that explores the explicit consequences of this on the personal discoveries for the audience) Gray emphasises the intricacies of the “Busby Berkeley spectacular” to show how human connections can be intensely meaningful and valued through an allusion, enhancing the individual themselves as a significant role in all aspects of society. However, Text 1 chose to leave the reader ambiguous to the discovery being offered in order to speculate on how Venice will be intensely meaningful particularly, and personal to them. Both texts integrate and pose the value of personal identity either nurtured from shared experiences or possibilities that can be fostered in creative and intellectual pursuits, demonstrating how physical places can be pivotal to the persona and responder’s self-awareness.

A few pointers:
 - You will need to have more textual analysis on your unseen text (Hard yes, but you'll need to have more substance to back up your prescribed).
 - The main issue, I think, is the flow (train of thought). At times, the transition can be a bit clunky and it shows that it isn't seamless. You can become better at it by continually to write more essays in this way. Over time, you can begin to see the differences between separate ideas being introduced and one seamless idea branched out in many different angles.
 - The ideas themselves are very interesting to read, but make sure they actually do something to back up your topic sentence. Else, it's basically a waste of time and your argument won't be particularly sustained.

Hopefully, this has been helpful! If you would like more feedback, feel free to post your responses in the Marking board.
Good luck with everything that's to come!

[angewina_naguen]

Thank you very much for the feedback! I will work on it and try practising writing like this more fluidly  If I need more feedback, I'll be sure to post on the marking thread 

Angelina