For Children from age the age of when they started school to when they have ended it home-work is a controversial topic.I feel that you could possibly change up this sentence, so that you can convey your point of view, and make it sound more free-flowing. An example is: For students, homework is an activity that can sometimes be dreaded, but is very beneficial to their education. Children dislike home work for many reasons, but probably the main reason for disliking home-work would be because it brings school to their home.Personally, this sentence isn't really needed. Instead of talking about the opposing arguments, it would be better if you talked about what you will be talking about in your essay. This will introduce the reader to your writing and will inform them about what you'll talk about. Although home-work may be boring it is an extremely important task to do.That's a nice sentence to end off the conclusion. :)Overall it was a pretty solid piece of writing. Just remember that improvement will take time, so don't expect it to happen overnight. I'm sure some other people will be able to help you out even further, so what I've said is not the only things you should take into account. Just a note, can you please just add in your post what the prompt was, so that whoever is correcting your writing can comment based on the prompt. :)
Teachers set home-work, because they know that children sometimes forget new material; so home-work gives the student the opportunity to "cement" that specific piece of material.To be more concise, you could write "that knowledge", instead of "specific piece of material". Studies have been conducted that prove that home-work is a beneficial part to cementing one's newly acquired knowledge.Pretty good sentence, but if can remember a statistic, include that. It will be really beneficial in conveying your message. Also, it would be great if you could add an extra sentence at the end, linking back to the topic. I feel that you could write a bit more for this paragraph. I know the time is very limited to write these pieces, but with time you will become better at this. You could talk more about how cementing knowledge would be beneficial for the student, and how it would help at school. You could also talk about the consequences of not knowing content, and expand a bit on that. Overall it was a solid paragraph, but improvements will definitely come with practice.
Home-work also gives the child the opportunity to become interested in the subject and extend their knowledge to a point where the teacher no longer can.Pretty good sentence, but could be rephrased to make it sound more free flowing and not clunky. Maybe: Homework gives students the opportunity to extend their knowledge, and develop their interests. It is more concise, and sounds better to read. Even the example I gave isn't the best,
and it could be bettered. If done correctly home-work can be essential to one's interest in the subject, and if some one is interested they will want to learn more. I feel that the first part of this sentence is repeating the first one. You should try and expand this paragraph and talk about what the positives of becoming interested in a topic are, and how it can be beneficial to a student. Once again, try to add a sentence that links back to the topic.
Home-work is also a way of identifying whether the child is ahead or behind the set task. This is very important for the teacher and parent, so that they can provide for the child in a better way. You can join these two sentences with a comma, and make it nicer to read. Meaning the the child can have work set for them at their level, instead of keeping the them behind the class or curriculum. I feel that the last parts of the sentence sound a bit clunky. An alternative could be: This would allow students to learn at their pace, and make the most of the school environment. Tbh, my example didn't sound too good, but you get what I'm trying to say right? Again, just expand on the argument a bit, and also add a linking sentence. :)
Therefore; despite the opposition of the child I don't really think that's needed here. :), home-work is essential for the child's learning. This is because it: gives them another opportunity to practice the newly learnt material; as well as cementing it so that the child doesn't forget it; it also allows the child to become more interested in the subject and extend their knowledge. I don't really think that colons and semi-colons are necessary here, and it would be better if you used commas. Something along the lines of: "This is because it gives them another opportunity to practice the newly learned content, as well as cementing it so that the child can remember it. It also allows the child to develop their interests in the subject and extend their knowledge. Lastly home-work can set a bench mark for whether the child is doing well in class or whether they need help.I think you could rephrase this. Maybe: Lastly, homework allows teacher to understand the level a child is at, and they can provide for them in a more suitable way. It is clear that the positives of homework greatly out weigh the negatives. So next time you see a child complaining about home-work just ignore them! Idk if it's just me, but the last sentence seems a bit informal. I understand that it is supposed to be a great way of conveying your message, but it doesn't really sound fitting to this piece of writing.
Thanks for marking it! Could you please give me advice for what I should do next time!
Hugo
Overall it was a pretty solid piece of writing. Just remember that improvement will take time, so don't expect it to happen overnight. I'm sure some other people will be able to help you out even further, so what I've said is not the only things you should take into account. Just a note, can you please just add in your post what the prompt was, so that whoever is correcting your writing can comment based on the prompt. :)
EDIT: Oh my god I've just realised how much red I've used. I am so sorry for that, but don't at all think that it's because it was a bad essay!
(Irrelevant to the topic) I just wanted to say how tear-shedding it is for Galactic to mark essays for students doing the selective tests. You used to be in the same position as them and usually zhen marked your essays. So it's an awesome gesture for you to pay it forward :')Haha tear-shedding! Thanks Shadestache. I'm trying to give back to the community who helped me out so much, and I'm sure it will continue to do so. Yeah zhen was awesome in that he was never getting anything out of marking people's essays, yet he went out of his way to do it. On top of that he marked writing pieces while SAC week was looming so it was great that he was so selfless. :)
Respects.
Haha tear-shedding! Thanks Shadestache. I'm trying to give back to the community who helped me out so much, and I'm sure it will continue to do so. Yeah zhen was awesome in that he was never getting anything out of marking people's essays, yet he went out of his way to do it. On top of that he marked writing pieces while SAC week was looming so it was great that he was so selfless. :)
Overall it was a pretty solid piece of writing. Just remember that improvement will take time, so don't expect it to happen overnight. I'm sure some other people will be able to help you out even further, so what I've said is not the only things you should take into account. Just a note, can you please just add in your post what the prompt was, so that whoever is correcting your writing can comment based on the prompt. :)
EDIT: Oh my god I've just realised how much red I've used. I am so sorry for that, but don't at all think that it's because it was a bad essay!
Thanks so much galactic! So I think a big problem may be adding sentences that aren't really needed and making the writing price flow better. Would that be right?That's exactly right! Removing those sentences will make the piece concise and straight to the point. Flow is something I had problems with a while ago but the more you write, it will get better.
I sat the year 10 entrance for mhs and got an interview. In order to be considered a place you need to make sure you have lots of co curricular and accademic achievments. Such as music, debating and icas awards etc for the test take close attention to reading and writing the reading had long passangers and is much harder then the yr 9 entrance and if you get a interview be confident interact with your group and be attentive and answer the questions properly and highlight yourself. Make sure you keep up on the news as they will ask you current affair related questions.
Doing community services will definitely help make sure you have lots of accademic achievements and a good report
I have a good report, my standout subject would probably be maths, but I'm doing well in science, English, languages, music (I play the guitar, and am currently practicing for the second last exam (AMEB)), although I'm am not doing well in technology; which is like working with wood and designing websites, that won't hurt my chances will it?Wow, you sound like the perfect asian
I having problems getting into the groove of studying...Any tips
Ik right? Just have to work hard to getting into the school... I having problems getting into the groove of studying... Any tipsNext year I might do some community services too. Plus my grades for german are trash, even though I'm not even that bad at it. I think me and my german teacher have some beef hahaha
Stimulus: "I woke up to hear knocking on glass. At first, I thought it was the window until I hear it again."Overall, this was a pretty good narrative. The story was quite interesting which is a positive. The development of the story was smooth, without any major jumps in the plot. Just the basic things to improve - which I have highlighted in red. Things like, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure and that sort of stuff. Just try and practice rewriting some clunky sentences, but in an improved way. :)
It had been a long day, Mum and Dad were fighting; Not really needed as normal and school lived up to its expectations of being the most boring place in the universe. You could change the end of that sentence to: "...and school lived up to its expectations; the most boring place in the universe". All I wanted to do was just go to sleep, live my life day after day. That was one way I cold seperate myself from reality, and that was by sleeping. You've already mentioned that you are talking about sleeping, and don't really need to add that last bit of the last sentence. Maybe an alternative could be: All I wanted to do was sleep, live my life day and day. That was one way I could separate myself from reality. Other than that, pretty solid first paragraph. :)
Mum and Dad always said I was good sleeper, sleeping brought me away from reality. You've just mentioned that it separated you from reality, and saying it again is unnecessary. It may sound repetitive and clunky. I could dream about distant kingdoms and of searching for new treasures. Sleeping was something that came naturally to me. I wasn't good at anything else. Nice. :)
It was a normal session, dreaming about how I was going to leave my home as soon as possible and start a new life, until I heard a topping on the window. "Tap*Tap..." at first I didn't hear it but after a while that same noise wasincorporated intoheard in? my dream. "Tap*Tap..."
I hadarisen from my slumber and checked the window, but there was nothing there. I went back to my bed, and I suddenlywhen Iheard it again. This time it was more frequent. I, again walked up to the window, but again I had seen nothing there. Maybe for the last bit, say: "The sound was becoming more frequent, and I walked up to the window to check again. Once more, I saw nothing"? A while ago,
when others corrected my essays (I've probs missed some but patriciarose and zhen), I learnt that you should vary your sentence length and structure.
What I mean is that you can sometimes join two or more sentences that go well with each other, to make the writing flow better. That way, it's not all short and sharp sentences and it makes the writing nicer to read. :)
Suddenly I started to feel a sharp pain coming from behind me. A creature which was about 8 feet tall and muscular had appeared, at first I didn't recognise him. These first two sentences aren't too bad, but could be improved by maybe rephrasing to: "Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my back, similar to that of when a knife pierces skin (?). I swiveled around and a creature, approximately 8 feet tall and very muscular, appeared, and at first I didn't recognise it". The creature was black and white, and had no other particularly interesting features, except for a his it's.
At this point, you cannot define the creature by a gender. smile; a long grin stretching from one cheek to the other.
He (It looked at me, and I felt very uncomfortable. He It spoke a language that I hadn't heardeverbeforebut I had seembut I seemed to understand it. Hehadsaid to me "Prince Lalelf we are in dire need of help, we need a leader, the underworld has been overrun by the heavens king, it has unbalanced this Earth." That The person who was speaking to me happened to be my brother. When someone is speaking, you must write that speech on a new line.
Example: He spoke a language that I hadn't heard before, but I seemed to understand it.
"Prince Lalelf, we are in dire need of help. We need a leader, the underworld has been overrun by the heavens king, and it has unbalanced this Earth",
the creature pleaded.
The person who was speaking happened to be my brother.
Suddenly I started to feel a sharp pain coming from behind me. A creature which was about 8 feet tall and muscular had appeared, at first I didn't recognise him. The creature was black and white, and had no other particularly interesting features, except for a his smile, a long grin stretching from one cheek to the other.
Just saw this essay and I'll give one short piece of advice, since I'm really busy with exams and SACs fast approaching. Also, galacticprocess has been doing an amazing job anyway. :) I've noticed that it's pretty damn hard to make an interesting creative with a good plot in 15 minutes. So, an easier way to distinguish yourself from everyone else (in my opinion) is to have amazing descriptions. So, when you say he "had no other particularly interesting features except...", it seems like you ran out of things to say and ways to describe the person. Also, in my opinion that's not a great way to describe something, since it really adds nothing to the description. Instead, you should be looking to make the most detailed and eloquent descriptions that you possibly can, since that's part of what makes a creative interesting. The other part of what makes a creative interesting is the plot, but like I said, making an interesting plot in 15 minutes is really hard and it's easier (in my opinion) to impress your marker with good descriptions.Completely agree with zhen. When I recently sat the entrance exam for year 11 entry, my creative plot wasn't extremely fancy. It was literally an old man who visits his childhood home, has flashbacks and remembers his past, and then encounters a dangerous person. Obviously a lot more detailed but my point is that the plot wasn't too crazy or lengthy. I basically wrote 2 pages of descriptions of the place and his memories. In doing so, you really create images in the readers mind, and that's what will get you a good mark.
War will always exist as long as greed exists. Published in 1967, the book “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton conveys the importance of a peer group when growing up. The importance of a peer group is indeed important and possesses an indisputably large impact throughout one’s life. A peer group is a form of company give you a sense of belonging. Peer groups can also provide as a strong backing throughout tough times. Not only that, a good peer group can potentially support your growth by influencing you correctly.
This is meant to be the beginning of a text response. Plz correct
Stimulus: Should cigarettes/tobacco products be made illegal?Nice essay, I probs wouldn't be able to write this good in the test. You should probably add a bit more to the 3rd and 4th paragraph, evaluate, expand and add an example on it (follow TEEL). For the intro add contention and to make it concise that smoking smakoing shouldn't be ban also adding a definition for the key word would be good (I usually state my arguments vaguely). Summarise better in conclusion, include all your points like urge etc.
For many people smoking is thought as a dreadful activity that must be stopped at all costs. Although smoking is incredibly bad for both the user and the people around them, at what cost would we get if we banned tobacco products?
Like alcohol, smoking is the user's choice it is not something that is compulsory to do. If the Australian government was to ban tobacco products we would be creating a whole new underground market that would be nearly impossible to regulate. This under ground market would try to cut costs and would end up selling flawed products to the user, which would have a worse effect on the user than normal tobacco products. A very similar event happens during the early 20th century where the American government banned alcohol, this probation opened up the market to the mafia that sold flawed alcohol at an inflated rate.
Something very similar would occur if we banned cigarettes. We would have organised crime groups, selling these products which would have dangerous additives instead of just pure tobacco.
Although we can "ban" tobacco products we can't stop a human's urge. People will always find a way of getting something and if they have a willing vendor, both parties will benefit.
Tobacco products does have a detrimental effect on everybody. Instead of banning them, the government should find an alternative. Scare campaigns are a good way of scaring the user out of consuming the product. There is proof that they work as well, because since scare campaigns were implemented the amount of smokers had dramatically decreased.
In conclusion, the government should not ban tobacco cigarettes/tobacco products because, it won't work. A new illegal underground market will be formed by organised crime groups. These organisations will cut corners that will harm the smoker even more. Instead of outright banning tobacco products the government should produce scare campaigns which will be much more effective!
TIME: 15:00
Can someone post both a persuasive topic and a creative essay topic ( just say like 3 different relevant pictures) for me to practice?
Thank you in advance.
Topic - Recently, Coles and Woolworths announced that they would phase out single-use plastic bags for a more environmentally-friendly, multi-use alternative (albeit at a 15c cost to customers). Write a persuasive piece of writing that either criticises or advocates for this change.I'm sure you're aware, but structure is extremely important in writing not only persuasive texts, but also narratives.
In Australia, most residents buy fromthese(you can probably leave that out) two prominent shops; Coles and Woolworths. These two main shops are the provider for both food and supplies needed in families. Recently, these two shops have announced that single-use plastic bags would be phased out for a more better alternative. You should specify what the better alternative is, in this case buying the plastic bags for 15c. :) This is a great decision that they chose to make, these new bags would not be thrown out if they weren't single use and wouldn't be littered to possibly harming animals and their habitats. As this essay is formal, you should try to avoid using conjunctions such as won't, weren't and wouldn't. Instead try to be more formal and use will not, were not and would not. :)
Plastic bags are being littered every day and every where, even though none of these people who litter can see the disaster it can make, the new multi-use bag is a greater choice. Not sure if it's just me, but the topic sentence of this paragraph isn't quite clear. In this sentence, you should try to specifically state your argument for the paragraph. 15 cents to a regular person is barely anything and yet the damage of littering can cost thousands or even the extinction of a certain animal. Wouldn't we all want to live in a friendly environment, without the extinction of any animals? Plastic bags isn't the right decision to keep the environment safe. I know that you didn't finish, but in this paragraph, I didn't quite understand your argument. I think you should try and stick to one main argument for each paragraph, and discuss only that. The rhetorical question at the end was nice though. :)
AHH TIME 15:00
This topic was hard because I couldn't find any pros or cons except for the effect of animals... Examples for arguments could be: save the government money as they'll spend less money on plastic bags and less plastic bags end up in rubbish and in the sea. These are just the ones I can think of now, but I'm sure there'll be many more. :)
Could anyone give any reason why it would be either good or bad? Thanks, I am going to write the creative one now.
I'm sure you're aware, but structure is extremely important in writing not only persuasive texts, but also narratives.
In the introduction of a persuasive piece, you should, as you've already done, state the topic you'll be discussing, briefly explain the topic (maybe even just 1-2 sentences if you can), and state your contention/point of view on the issue. You also need to briefly outline your arguments (you can argue 2-3 points. I always discussed 2 points, as that meant I could effectively argue them, with enough evidence/information to convince the reader. In my opinion, 3 points becomes too many, as in the 15 minute time frame, you cannot thoroughly discuss the arguments, and the paragraphs become too short and brief.)
In the body paragraphs is where you will be discussing your arguments. In the first sentence, you should concisely, but effectively state your argument, to inform the reader what you'll be discussing. You should try to be straight to the point here (this sentence is usually 1 sentence). You need to explain this topic sentence, and expand on your argument. Discuss the topic sentence further, and then you need to add evidence. In this time frame, it is quite difficult to add expert opinions and what not, but try to write what you can. You can try to discuss the negative consequences of the issue, and what the positives will be if your opinion is followed. At the end of the paragraph, you need to write a linking sentence, which effectively connects back to your main topic. In other words, you need to write a sentence that links what you have written in the paragraph, to your overall contention. Not sure if that made sense haha. Please ask if it doesn't. :)
In the conclusion is where you'll sum up your piece. In your first sentence is where you'll need to restate your contention, but in different words from what you wrote in the introduction. Then you'll need to summarise each body paragraph, very concisely. Make sure you don't add any other extra information in here, as that can sometimes happen unknowingly. Try to end the conclusion with a strong sentence, that leaves a solid impression in the reader.
Good luck! :)
Thank you for your feedback, maybe it was because this was a harder topic and an unusual one.No problem! It definitely was a hard topic, and it gets quite hard to think of arguments on the spot. It'll come with time and slowly you'll begin to find them a lot easier. :)