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March 29, 2024, 02:12:56 am

Author Topic: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)  (Read 8775 times)  Share 

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GalacticProcess

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2017, 07:28:36 pm »
+5
Stimulus: "I woke up to hear knocking on glass. At first, I thought it was the window until I hear it again."

It had been a long day, Mum and Dad were fighting; Not really needed as normal and school lived up to its expectations of being the most boring place in the universe. You could change the end of that sentence to: "...and school lived up to its expectations; the most boring place in the universe". All I wanted to do was just go to sleep, live my life day after day. That was one way I cold seperate myself from reality, and that was by sleeping. You've already mentioned that you are talking about sleeping, and don't really need to add that last bit of the last sentence. Maybe an alternative could be: All I wanted to do was sleep, live my life day and day. That was one way I could separate myself from reality. Other than that, pretty solid first paragraph. :)

Mum and Dad always said I was good sleeper, sleeping brought me away from reality. You've just mentioned that it separated you from reality, and saying it again is unnecessary. It may sound repetitive and clunky. I could dream about distant kingdoms and of searching for new treasures. Sleeping was something that came naturally to me. I wasn't good at anything else. Nice. :)

It was a normal session, dreaming about how I was going to leave my home as soon as possible and start a new life, until I heard a topping on the window. "Tap*Tap..." at first I didn't hear it but after a while that same noise was incorporated intoheard in? my dream. "Tap*Tap..."

I had arisen from my slumber and checked the window, but there was nothing there. I went back to my bed, and I suddenly when I heard it again. This time it was more frequent. I, again walked up to the window, but again I had seen nothing there. Maybe for the last bit, say: "The sound was becoming more frequent, and I walked up to the window to check again. Once more, I saw nothing"? A while ago,
when others corrected my essays (I've probs missed some but patriciarose and zhen), I learnt that you should vary your sentence length and structure.
What I mean is that you can sometimes join two or more sentences that go well with each other, to make the writing flow better. That way, it's not all short and sharp sentences and it makes the writing nicer to read. :)


Suddenly I started to feel a sharp pain coming from behind me. A creature which was about 8 feet tall and muscular had appeared, at first I didn't recognise him. These first two sentences aren't too bad, but could be improved by maybe rephrasing to: "Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my back, similar to that of when a knife pierces skin (?). I swiveled around and a creature, approximately 8 feet tall and very muscular, appeared, and at first I didn't recognise it". The creature was black and white, and had no other particularly interesting features, except for a his it's.
At this point, you cannot define the creature by a gender.
smile; a long grin stretching from one cheek to the other.

He (It looked at me, and I felt very uncomfortable. He It spoke a language that I hadn't heard ever before but I had seem but I seemed to understand it. He had said to me "Prince Lalelf we are in dire need of help, we need a leader, the underworld has been overrun by the heavens king, it has unbalanced this Earth." That The person who was speaking to me happened to be my brother. When someone is speaking, you must write that speech on a new line.
Example: He spoke a language that I hadn't heard before, but I seemed to understand it.

"Prince Lalelf, we are in dire need of help. We need a leader, the underworld has been overrun by the heavens king, and it has unbalanced this Earth",
the creature pleaded.

The person who was speaking happened to be my brother.

Overall, this was a pretty good narrative. The story was quite interesting which is a positive. The development of the story was smooth, without any major jumps in the plot. Just the basic things to improve - which I have highlighted in red. Things like, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure and that sort of stuff. Just try and practice rewriting some clunky sentences, but in an improved way. :)

zhen

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #16 on: August 30, 2017, 09:54:30 pm »
+5
Suddenly I started to feel a sharp pain coming from behind me. A creature which was about 8 feet tall and muscular had appeared, at first I didn't recognise him. The creature was black and white, and had no other particularly interesting features, except for a his smile, a long grin stretching from one cheek to the other.

Just saw this essay and I'll give one short piece of advice, since I'm really busy with exams and SACs fast approaching. Also, galacticprocess has been doing an amazing job anyway.  :) I've noticed that it's pretty damn hard to make an interesting creative with a good plot in 15 minutes. So, an easier way to distinguish yourself from everyone else (in my opinion) is to have amazing descriptions. So, when you say he "had no other particularly interesting features except...", it seems like you ran out of things to say and ways to describe the person. Also, in my opinion that's not a great way to describe something, since it really adds nothing to the description. Instead, you should be looking to make the most detailed and eloquent descriptions that you possibly can, since that's part of what makes a creative interesting. The other part of what makes a creative interesting is the plot, but like I said, making an interesting plot in 15 minutes is really hard and it's easier (in my opinion) to impress your marker with good descriptions.

GalacticProcess

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #17 on: August 30, 2017, 10:00:12 pm »
+5
Just saw this essay and I'll give one short piece of advice, since I'm really busy with exams and SACs fast approaching. Also, galacticprocess has been doing an amazing job anyway.  :) I've noticed that it's pretty damn hard to make an interesting creative with a good plot in 15 minutes. So, an easier way to distinguish yourself from everyone else (in my opinion) is to have amazing descriptions. So, when you say he "had no other particularly interesting features except...", it seems like you ran out of things to say and ways to describe the person. Also, in my opinion that's not a great way to describe something, since it really adds nothing to the description. Instead, you should be looking to make the most detailed and eloquent descriptions that you possibly can, since that's part of what makes a creative interesting. The other part of what makes a creative interesting is the plot, but like I said, making an interesting plot in 15 minutes is really hard and it's easier (in my opinion) to impress your marker with good descriptions.
Completely agree with zhen. When I recently sat the entrance exam for year 11 entry, my creative plot wasn't extremely fancy. It was literally an old man who visits his childhood home, has flashbacks and remembers his past, and then encounters a dangerous person. Obviously a lot more detailed but my point is that the plot wasn't too crazy or lengthy. I basically wrote 2 pages of descriptions of the place and his memories. In doing so, you really create images in the readers mind, and that's what will get you a good mark.

jz27

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #18 on: September 01, 2017, 09:18:55 pm »
0
War will always exist as long as greed exists. Published in 1967, the book “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton conveys the importance of a peer group when growing up. The importance of a peer group is indeed important and possesses an indisputably large impact throughout one’s life. A peer group is a form of company give you a sense of belonging. Peer groups can also provide as a strong backing throughout tough times. Not only that, a good peer group can potentially  support your growth by influencing you correctly.

This is meant to be the beginning of a text response. Plz correct
Edit: [THIS IS THE INTRO FOR A TEXT RESPONSE ON THE BOOK "OUTSIDERS"
« Last Edit: September 04, 2017, 08:49:22 am by Jack_Zhou_JZ »
2020: Chinese SLA [34-> ~43]
2021 (raw): English [42] Spesh [43] Methods [45] Chem [40] Physics [41]

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jz27

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #19 on: September 01, 2017, 09:19:36 pm »
0
btw ik the first sentence is wierd... but the teacher wants it there
2020: Chinese SLA [34-> ~43]
2021 (raw): English [42] Spesh [43] Methods [45] Chem [40] Physics [41]

ATAR: 99.30
UCAT: 3240 (99th)
Studying Medicine at Monash University

Currently taking students for 2023 selective school entry exam, email [email protected] for more details

Running a free selective schools information session on the 17th of July. Email for more details!

hegihugo

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #20 on: September 01, 2017, 10:06:46 pm »
0

War will always exist as long as greed exists. Published in 1967, the book “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton conveys the importance of a peer group when growing up. The importance of a peer group is indeed important and possesses an indisputably large impact throughout one’s life. A peer group is a form of company give you a sense of belonging. Peer groups can also provide as a strong backing throughout tough times. Not only that, a good peer group can potentially  support your growth by influencing you correctly.

This is meant to be the beginning of a text response. Plz correct

I'm sorry I don't really understand what you are talking about, could you please clarify

hegihugo

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #21 on: September 04, 2017, 08:05:07 pm »
0
Stimulus: Should cigarettes/tobacco products be made illegal?

For many people smoking is thought as a dreadful activity that must be stopped at all costs. Although smoking is incredibly bad for both the user and the people around them, at what cost would we get if we banned tobacco products?

Like alcohol, smoking is the user's choice it is not something that is compulsory to do. If the Australian government was to ban tobacco products we would be creating a whole new underground market that would be nearly impossible to regulate. This under ground market would try to cut costs and would end up selling flawed products to the user, which would have a worse effect on the user than normal tobacco products. A very similar event happens during the early 20th century where the American government banned alcohol, this probation opened up the market to the mafia that sold flawed alcohol at an inflated rate.

Something very similar would occur if we banned cigarettes. We would have organised crime groups, selling these products which would have dangerous additives instead of just pure tobacco.

Although we can "ban" tobacco products we can't stop a human's urge. People will always find a way of getting something and if they have a willing vendor, both parties will benefit.

Tobacco products does have a detrimental effect on everybody. Instead of banning them, the government should find an alternative. Scare campaigns are a good way of scaring the user  out of consuming the product. There is proof that they work as well, because since scare campaigns were implemented the amount of smokers had dramatically decreased.

In conclusion, the government should not ban tobacco cigarettes/tobacco products because, it won't work. A new illegal underground market will be formed by organised crime groups. These organisations will cut corners that will harm the smoker even more. Instead of outright banning tobacco products the government should produce scare campaigns which will be much more effective!


TIME: 15:00

caqiu

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #22 on: September 05, 2017, 12:51:40 pm »
+2
Stimulus: Should cigarettes/tobacco products be made illegal?

For many people smoking is thought as a dreadful activity that must be stopped at all costs. Although smoking is incredibly bad for both the user and the people around them, at what cost would we get if we banned tobacco products?

Like alcohol, smoking is the user's choice it is not something that is compulsory to do. If the Australian government was to ban tobacco products we would be creating a whole new underground market that would be nearly impossible to regulate. This under ground market would try to cut costs and would end up selling flawed products to the user, which would have a worse effect on the user than normal tobacco products. A very similar event happens during the early 20th century where the American government banned alcohol, this probation opened up the market to the mafia that sold flawed alcohol at an inflated rate.

Something very similar would occur if we banned cigarettes. We would have organised crime groups, selling these products which would have dangerous additives instead of just pure tobacco.

Although we can "ban" tobacco products we can't stop a human's urge. People will always find a way of getting something and if they have a willing vendor, both parties will benefit.

Tobacco products does have a detrimental effect on everybody. Instead of banning them, the government should find an alternative. Scare campaigns are a good way of scaring the user  out of consuming the product. There is proof that they work as well, because since scare campaigns were implemented the amount of smokers had dramatically decreased.

In conclusion, the government should not ban tobacco cigarettes/tobacco products because, it won't work. A new illegal underground market will be formed by organised crime groups. These organisations will cut corners that will harm the smoker even more. Instead of outright banning tobacco products the government should produce scare campaigns which will be much more effective!


TIME: 15:00
Nice essay, I probs wouldn't be able to write this good in the test. You should probably add a bit more to the 3rd and 4th paragraph, evaluate, expand and add an example on it (follow TEEL). For the intro add contention and to make it concise that smoking smakoing shouldn't be ban also adding a definition for the key word would be good (I usually state my arguments vaguely). Summarise better in conclusion, include all your points like urge etc.
You could also add a few more different points (arguments are a bit similar) like generate tax and revenue for the government, its the person own will to chose to smoke and they should understand the dangers therefore government so not interfere.

TheSapaInca

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #23 on: November 06, 2017, 12:11:16 pm »
+1
Can someone post both a persuasive topic and a creative essay topic ( just say like 3 different relevant pictures) for me to practice?
Thank you in advance.
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lovelyperson

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #24 on: November 06, 2017, 12:39:22 pm »
0
Can someone post both a persuasive topic and a creative essay topic ( just say like 3 different relevant pictures) for me to practice?
Thank you in advance.

Persuasive
Recently, Coles and Woolworths announced that they would phase out single-use plastic bags for a more environmentally-friendly, multi-use alternative (albeit at a 15c cost to customers). Write a persuasive piece of writing that either criticises or endorses this change.

Creative - this is a bit harder than what you asked for but it's good practice! :)





"Nothing is ever what it seems but everything is exactly what it is." - Buckaroo Banzai from The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension

« Last Edit: November 06, 2017, 12:50:56 pm by remi »

TheSapaInca

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #25 on: November 06, 2017, 01:12:17 pm »
+1
Topic - Recently, Coles and Woolworths announced that they would phase out single-use plastic bags for a more environmentally-friendly, multi-use alternative (albeit at a 15c cost to customers). Write a persuasive piece of writing that either criticises or advocates for this change.

In Australia, most residents buy from these two prominent shops; Coles and Woolworths. These two main shops are the provider for both food and supplies needed in families. Recently, these two shops have announced that single-use plastic bags would be phased out for a more better alternative. This is a great decision that they chose to make,  these new bags would not be thrown out if they weren't single use and wouldn't be littered to possibly harming animals and their habitats.

Plastic bags are being littered every day and every where, even though none of these people who litter can see the disaster it can make, the new multi-use bag is a greater choice. 15 cents to a regular person is barely anything and yet the damage of littering can cost thousands or even the extinction of a certain animal. Wouldn't we all want to live in a friendly environment, without the extinction of any animals? Plastic bags isn't the right decision to keep the environment safe.


AHH TIME 15:00
This topic was hard because I couldn't find any pros or cons except for the effect of animals...
Could anyone give any reason why it would be either good or bad? Thanks, I am going to write the creative one now.
Goal ATAR: 99.00<

TheSapaInca

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #26 on: November 06, 2017, 01:34:14 pm »
+1
Creative essay
Topic
2 pictures
1. Palm tree at a beach
2. legs on cracked floor walking by him/her self with a light in front of him/her

When Xavier woke up, he was perplexed.  "Oh my, where am I?" The only thing he could see was the solitary full moon and shimmering stars shining from the dark charcoal sky. As he lay up, he soon realised that he was laying on the shrivelled sand  "Why am I here and what had got me here??" Xavier screamed, startled. He didn't have a watch, nor did he have a device that would check the time. He stood up and began wandering. "Where in the world could I be?" he murmured.

Shortly, Xavier cause see a dim light that was consistently moving. He followed it like a lodestar with his grey sandals on until he felt that he was stepping on something much harder than the sand. Moving closer, he could barely see what the light was because of his poor eyesight. When the man who was driving a black sedan eventually noticed Xavier, he abruptly stopped, baffled. "What are hell do you think you are doing here?" the man shouted at Xavier. "I have no idea sir, I just woke up on the beach nearby." he pleaded innocently. "You know what little boy, I am not here to listen to your fib." replied the man.     


15:00 AHHHH
I NEED TO DO BETTER WITH TIMING...
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TheSapaInca

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #27 on: November 07, 2017, 07:06:33 pm »
+1
So I got this essay topic from a member above cause I don't want to pick essays that I am comfortable with
Stimulus: "I woke up to hear knocking on glass. At first, I thought it was the window until I hear it again."
(Not 15 minutes because I just want to know if my essay writing is good overall)

During the winter holiday, I felt it was always right to sleep more and work less; it was the holidays anyway. On one early morning, I woke up reluctantly to the sound of consistent knocking on glass. After a checked my antiquated clock that I have received from my grandfather, I realised it was three o'clock in the morning. The noise of this knocking that sounded more of something else would just make it near impossible for me to sleep with.

As I opened the bedroom door and walked across the hallway, I soon realised that it was coming for the door. Neither of my parents were awake, nor would I believe that would wake up to such an issue as I have been out without informing them the last few nights. Courageously, I tip-toed to our front door, made out of wood. The noise just kept getting louder and louder as I walked closer and closer. As I got to the door, I abruptly got a surge of anxiety. But, unexpectedly, I heard the 'thing' murmur my name "James..." With an urge to open the door, I felt uncomfortable, "Maybe just a peek?" I thought in my head. I decided to open the door a tiny bit. Suddenly, a huge person dressed up abnormally slammed open the door with might, making me fall right to the ground. With a sinister laugh he chuckled: "Hope you've learnt a lesson."


Ok, to the end, I didn't really know what to write.
This is first person, should I be writing in second or third or is any fine?
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GalacticProcess

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #28 on: November 07, 2017, 09:30:36 pm »
+1
Topic - Recently, Coles and Woolworths announced that they would phase out single-use plastic bags for a more environmentally-friendly, multi-use alternative (albeit at a 15c cost to customers). Write a persuasive piece of writing that either criticises or advocates for this change.

In Australia, most residents buy from these (you can probably leave that out) two prominent shops; Coles and Woolworths. These two main shops are the provider for both food and supplies needed in families. Recently, these two shops have announced that single-use plastic bags would be phased out for a more better alternative. You should specify what the better alternative is, in this case buying the plastic bags for 15c. :) This is a great decision that they chose to make, these new bags would not be thrown out if they weren't single use and wouldn't be littered to possibly harming animals and their habitats. As this essay is formal, you should try to avoid using conjunctions such as won't, weren't and wouldn't. Instead try to be more formal and use will not, were not and would not. :)

Plastic bags are being littered every day and every where, even though none of these people who litter can see the disaster it can make, the new multi-use bag is a greater choice. Not sure if it's just me, but the topic sentence of this paragraph isn't quite clear. In this sentence, you should try to specifically state your argument for the paragraph. 15 cents to a regular person is barely anything and yet the damage of littering can cost thousands or even the extinction of a certain animal. Wouldn't we all want to live in a friendly environment, without the extinction of any animals? Plastic bags isn't the right decision to keep the environment safe. I know that you didn't finish, but in this paragraph, I didn't quite understand your argument. I think you should try and stick to one main argument for each paragraph, and discuss only that. The rhetorical question at the end was nice though. :)


AHH TIME 15:00
This topic was hard because I couldn't find any pros or cons except for the effect of animals... Examples for arguments could be: save the government money as they'll spend less money on plastic bags and less plastic bags end up in rubbish and in the sea. These are just the ones I can think of now, but I'm sure there'll be many more. :)
Could anyone give any reason why it would be either good or bad? Thanks, I am going to write the creative one now.
I'm sure you're aware, but structure is extremely important in writing not only persuasive texts, but also narratives.

In the introduction of a persuasive piece, you should, as you've already done, state the topic you'll be discussing, briefly explain the topic (maybe even just 1-2 sentences if you can), and state your contention/point of view on the issue. You also need to briefly outline your arguments (you can argue 2-3 points. I always discussed 2 points, as that meant I could effectively argue them, with enough evidence/information to convince the reader. In my opinion, 3 points becomes too many, as in the 15 minute time frame, you cannot thoroughly discuss the arguments, and the paragraphs become too short and brief.)

In the body paragraphs is where you will be discussing your arguments. In the first sentence, you should concisely, but effectively state your argument, to inform the reader what you'll be discussing. You should try to be straight to the point here (this sentence is usually 1 sentence). You need to explain this topic sentence, and expand on your argument. Discuss the topic sentence further, and then you need to add evidence. In this time frame, it is quite difficult to add expert opinions and what not, but try to write what you can. You can try to discuss the negative consequences of the issue, and what the positives will be if your opinion is followed. At the end of the paragraph, you need to write a linking sentence, which effectively connects back to your main topic. In other words, you need to write a sentence that links what you have written in the paragraph, to your overall contention. Not sure if that made sense haha. Please ask if it doesn't. :)

In the conclusion is where you'll sum up your piece. In your first sentence is where you'll need to restate your contention, but in different words from what you wrote in the introduction. Then you'll need to summarise each body paragraph, very concisely. Make sure you don't add any other extra information in here, as that can sometimes happen unknowingly. Try to end the conclusion with a strong sentence, that leaves a solid impression in the reader.

Good luck! :)

TheSapaInca

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Re: Essay Marking for Year 10 Entry (MHS)
« Reply #29 on: November 08, 2017, 06:22:28 pm »
0
I'm sure you're aware, but structure is extremely important in writing not only persuasive texts, but also narratives.

In the introduction of a persuasive piece, you should, as you've already done, state the topic you'll be discussing, briefly explain the topic (maybe even just 1-2 sentences if you can), and state your contention/point of view on the issue. You also need to briefly outline your arguments (you can argue 2-3 points. I always discussed 2 points, as that meant I could effectively argue them, with enough evidence/information to convince the reader. In my opinion, 3 points becomes too many, as in the 15 minute time frame, you cannot thoroughly discuss the arguments, and the paragraphs become too short and brief.)

In the body paragraphs is where you will be discussing your arguments. In the first sentence, you should concisely, but effectively state your argument, to inform the reader what you'll be discussing. You should try to be straight to the point here (this sentence is usually 1 sentence). You need to explain this topic sentence, and expand on your argument. Discuss the topic sentence further, and then you need to add evidence. In this time frame, it is quite difficult to add expert opinions and what not, but try to write what you can. You can try to discuss the negative consequences of the issue, and what the positives will be if your opinion is followed. At the end of the paragraph, you need to write a linking sentence, which effectively connects back to your main topic. In other words, you need to write a sentence that links what you have written in the paragraph, to your overall contention. Not sure if that made sense haha. Please ask if it doesn't. :)

In the conclusion is where you'll sum up your piece. In your first sentence is where you'll need to restate your contention, but in different words from what you wrote in the introduction. Then you'll need to summarise each body paragraph, very concisely. Make sure you don't add any other extra information in here, as that can sometimes happen unknowingly. Try to end the conclusion with a strong sentence, that leaves a solid impression in the reader.

Good luck! :)

Thank you for your feedback, maybe it was because this was a harder topic and an unusual one.
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