ATAR Notes: Forum
VCE Stuff => VCE English Studies => VCE Subjects + Help => VCE English Work Submission and Marking => Topic started by: xilun on July 14, 2016, 09:27:06 pm
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This is my essay for my Context SAC on Identity and Belonging. I haven't got my mark back yet but since teachers in my school tend to be pretty lenient, it will be really helpful to have other people's feedback :) A mark out of ten will be great too.
The text is Invictus. It's 1224 words. .Also we knrew the prompt beforehand so this is a pre-written essay. :P (You don't have to take that into account when you mark it though lol i.e. be as honest as possible, please)
Prompt: Cultural barriers can prevent people from really accepting each other
20th Sept, 2013
‘Both of you were embarrassingly loud just then. And you made noises when you ate your noodles.’ said my Malaysian-Australian step dad as he looked straight at the road behind the car’s windscreen, exasperation suppressed in his voice. ‘Did you see anyone else doing that?’
A question that needed no answer. Back in the restaurant, it struck me as simply odd when I noticed people seemed to be having conversations almost in whispers. I didn’t feel obliged to do the same then. Now all of a sudden, I pictured myself and my mother having our day-to-day conversations in that context and suddenly realised how unfitting it was. Our behaviours were certainly not mirrored in the Australian diners surrounding us.
In the darkness, I could feel my cheeks burn. Mom was sitting right in front of me in the car. I couldn’t see her expression. She was good at holding her temper in at the worst of situations, a quality I didn’t inherit. She kept silent. I opened my mouth instinctively, wanting to argue, but before I could say anything, my step dad started again.
‘You need to learn to be observant! Look at what other people do! You are no longer in China now. Learn what other people do. Don’t be so loud. And don’t slurp or smack your mouth.’ The exasperation in his voice was no longer hidden. He proceeded to make a mocking imitation of smacking repeatedly.
‘I’m not like that!’ Anger rose inside me, the best I could do was not to yell.
‘That’s not the point.’ He waved his hand as if keeping off an insect. ‘When I was little my parents and grandparents taught me these manners. You really got to learn now you are in Australia. You are sixteen. Stop being so stubborn when I teach you.’
His rant was mortifying. ‘You are no longer in China now’ was ringing in my ears. He might as well have declared that my cultural upbringing, which lies at the heart of who I am, was no longer valid in this new land.
Why should I be left in doubt about my upbringing? I wasn’t rude. I was just taught different manners from those in Australia. In fact I was thunderstruck when my step dad first told me that I was too loud. It never occurred to me in my hometown. The only person regarded ‘loud’ in my family was my grandmother who talked with the same volume as if she was making a speech without a microphone. When she gets mad at you, the entire street has live updates. Nor was slurping your noodles considered rude. Later I found that on a website giving information on etiquettes and taboos to in China that ‘slurping your noodles shows your host that you enjoy the food’.
* * *
When I read that diary entry now, three years later, I feel both amusement and relief. That indignation and angst of not being accepted died away as we spent more and more time together as a family. My step dad came to see how the circumstances in China shaped me into who I was. In the meantime, I also picked up the western etiquettes faster than he had expected. Yet even in retrospect, the process was a difficult one. We were gladly surprised that it did turn out well. What we lacked three years ago was the understanding that if someone is vastly different from you, it doesn’t mean that they are not good-natured people that you can bond with. When we recognised each other as kind in intentions and establishes genuine respect, we started to accept our different demeanours and ways of thinking rather than argue about which way is better. Slowly, I gained more and more understanding about why he sees things a certain way. It is different. But it makes sense, just like how I reach my views. While I am relieved that my step dad and I accepted each other eventually, it left me pondering why our cultural differences could make this so difficult. More significantly, if breaking down cultural barriers is so challenging for two people, what does this mean when large groups are involved?
According to psychologist Henri Tajfel, we have a tendency to hold prejudiced views towards people from a group we don’t belong to because we derive much of our sense of self through belonging. Our ‘ingroup’ is the group we belong to, and ‘outgroups’ are the ones we don’t belong to. Holding prejudiced views towards an ‘outgroup’ has the effect of boosting the image of our ingroup, something that is linked to our self-esteem. Exaggerating the good aspects of our ingroup yields the same effect. The belief that we can only accept others if they are culturally similar to us is thus deep-rooted. In Australia, this resulted in a policy that attempted to destroy the Indigenous culture in the guise of ‘cultural assimilation’, the ‘Aboriginal Protection Act’. It forcibly removed mixed-blood Aboriginal children from their families and raised them in institutions or white families. The man behind the act, A.O. Neville, has once asserted that ‘They cannot remain as they are.’ and that assimilation would give them ‘everything our culture has to offer’. It did not work, as the government officials failed to understand that Aboriginal people did not want to lose their traditional way of life or become white and British.
Although it is easy to succumb to the intrinsic tendency to keep outgroupers at arm’s length, cultural barriers are not powerful enough to divide people when both parties work towards the best interest of a new group. The film Invictus traces through the journey of new South Africa reuniting its black and white population in the aftermath of apartheid. Being divided by racial prejudices for 47 years, the cultural differences as well as prejudices between the white and the black are profound. This is symbolised even in the sports they play: the privileged white minority plays rugby while the impoverished black majority plays soccer. The deep division also shows up when Mandela’s black security guards refuses the idea of working with their white colleagues. Jason Tshabalala, the head of security, believed that not long ago the very people may have ‘tried to kill us, and could have succeeded’. In the presence of strong prejudices, the team tries to work together and over time both realise that everyone genuinely wishes that Mandela is safe and continually does their best to achieve it. Through working towards this common goal, their cultural barriers are broken down. The cultural differences thus bear no relevance to their common identity as a security team. In the film’s send, the team’s shared sense of belonging is symbolised by them happily playing rugby together, the sport that used to be only enjoyed by the white minority.
Therefore, while challenges do surface when people of dissimilar cultural backgrounds attempt to come together, it is the actions we take to conquer our own pre-determined prejudices that shape the outcomes of cross-cultural relationships. When we gain true acceptance to different ways of life from our own, we expand our capacity to connect with others. When we achieve this, we are no longer simply defined by the cultures we come from; rather, we can be the people we want to become.
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This is my essay for my Context SAC on Identity and Belonging. I haven't got my mark back yet but since teachers in my school tend to be pretty lenient, it will be really helpful to have other people's feedback :) A mark out of ten will be great too.
The text is Invictus. It's 1224 words. .Also we knrew the prompt beforehand so this is a pre-written essay. :P (You don't have to take that into account when you mark it though lol i.e. be as honest as possible, please)
Prompt: Cultural barriers can prevent people from really accepting each other
20th Sept, 2013
‘Both of you were embarrassingly loud just then. And you made noises when you ate your noodles.’ said my Malaysian-Australian step dad as he looked straight at the road behind the car’s windscreen, exasperation suppressed in his voice. ‘Did you see anyone else doing that?’
A question that needed no answer. Back in the restaurant, it struck me as simply odd when I noticed people seemed to be having conversations almost in whispers. I didn’t feel obliged to do the same then. Now all of a sudden, I pictured myself and my mother having our day-to-day conversations in that context and suddenly realised how unfitting it was. Our behaviours were certainly not mirrored in the Australian diners surrounding us.
In the darkness, I could feel my cheeks burn. Mom was sitting right in front of me in the car. I couldn’t see her expression. She was good at holding her temper in at the worst of situations, a quality I didn’t inherit. She kept silent. I opened my mouth instinctively, wanting to argue, but before I could say anything, my step dad started again.
‘You need to learn to be observant! Look at what other people do! You are no longer in China now. Learn what other people do. Don’t be so loud. And don’t slurp or smack your mouth.’ The exasperation in his voice was no longer hidden. He proceeded to make a mocking imitation of smacking repeatedly.
‘I’m not like that!’ Anger rose inside me, the best I could do was not to yell. Show, don't tell. I am aware that you are on limited words and time, but telling in an imaginative may annoy the teachers/examiners.
‘That’s not the point.’ He waved his hand as if he was keeping off an insect. ‘When I was little my parents and grandparents taught me these manners. You really got to learn now you are in Australia. You are sixteen. Stop being so stubborn when I teach you.’ This is optional: if you really want to express emphasis, you may use an exclamation mark
His rant was mortifying. ‘You are no longer in China now’ was ringing in my ears. He might as well have declared that my cultural upbringing, which lies at the heart of who I am, was no longer valid in this new land.
Why should I be left in doubt about my upbringing? I wasn’t rude. I was just taught different manners from those in Australia. In fact I was thunderstruck when my step dad first told me that I was too loud. It never occurred to me in my hometown. The only person regarded as ‘loud’ in my family was my grandmother, who talked with the same volume as if she was making a speech without a microphone. When she gets mad at you, the entire street has live updates. Nor was slurping your noodles considered rude. Later I found that on a website giving information on etiquettes and taboos to in China that ‘slurping your noodles shows your host that you enjoy the food’.
* * *
When I read that diary entry now, three years later, I feel both amusement and relief. That indignation and angst of not being accepted died away as we spent more and more time together as a family. My step dad came to see how the circumstances in China shaped me into who I was. In the meantime, I also picked up the western etiquettes faster than he had expected. Yet even in retrospect, the process was a difficult one. We were gladly surprised that it did turn out well. What we lacked three years ago was the understanding that if someone is vastly different from you, it doesn’t mean that they are not good-natured people that you can bond with. When we recognised each other as kind in intentions and establishes genuine respect, we started to accept our different demeanours and ways of thinking rather than argue about which way is better. Slowly, I gained more and more understanding about why he sees things a certain way. It is different. But it makes sense, just like how I reach my views. While I am relieved that my step dad and I accepted each other eventually, it left me pondering why our cultural differences could make this so difficult. More significantly, if breaking down cultural barriers is so challenging for two people, what does this mean when large groups are involved?
According to psychologist Henri Tajfel, we have a tendency to hold prejudiced views towards people from a group we don’t belong to because we derive much of our sense of self through belonging. Our ‘ingroup’ is the group we belong to, and ‘outgroups’ are the ones we don’t belong to. Holding prejudiced views towards an ‘outgroup’ has the effect of boosting the image of our ingroup, something that is linked to our self-esteem. Exaggerating the good aspects of our ingroup yields the same effect. The belief that we can only accept others if they are culturally similar to us is thus deep-rooted. In Australia, this resulted in a policy that attempted to destroy the Indigenous culture in the guise of ‘cultural assimilation’, the ‘Aboriginal Protection Act’. It forcibly removed mixed-blood Aboriginal children from their families and raised them in institutions or white families. The man behind the act, A.O. Neville, has once asserted that ‘They cannot remain as they are.’ and that assimilation would give them ‘everything our culture has to offer’. It did not work, as the government officials failed to understand that Aboriginal people did not want to lose their traditional way of life or become white and British. Link to prompt or contention on your prompt?
Although it is easy to succumb to the intrinsic tendency to keep outgroupers at arm’s length, cultural barriers are not powerful enough to divide people when both parties work towards the best interest of a new group. The film Invictus traces through the journey of new South Africa reuniting its black and white population in the aftermath of apartheid. Being divided by racial prejudices for 47 years, the cultural differences as well as prejudices between the white and the black are profound. This is symbolised even in the sports they play: the privileged white minority plays rugby while the impoverished black majority plays soccer. The deep division also shows up when Mandela’s black security guards refuses the idea of working with their white colleagues. good Jason Tshabalala, the head of security, believed that not long ago the very people may have ‘tried to kill us, and could have succeeded’. In the presence of strong prejudices, the team tries to work together and over time both realise that everyone genuinely wishes that Mandela is safe and continually does their best to achieve it. Through working towards this common goal, their cultural barriers are broken down. Good point. To further improve, you will need to explain the process of the cultural barrier being broken down. The cultural differences thus bear no relevance to their common identity as a security team. In the film’s send ??? What do you mean?, the team’s shared sense of belonging is symbolised by them happily playing rugby together, the sport that used to be only enjoyed by the white minority.
Therefore, while challenges do surface when people of dissimilar cultural backgrounds attempt to come together, it is the actions we take to conquer our own pre-determined prejudices that shape the outcomes of cross-cultural relationships. When we gain true acceptance to different ways of life from our own, we expand our capacity to connect with others. When we achieve this, we are no longer simply defined by the cultures we come from; rather, we can be the people we want to become. Good. But explicitly link to the prompt.
I guess you are writing a hybrid between creative and expository. You really make your points clear in your expository parts. With your creative parts, you will need to include the prompt in there somewhere, or implement your points there. Perhaps you could include it in your though processes.
1224 words may be okay for a SAC (depending on your school requirements), but may not be okay in an exam. Imagine trying to write this in an hour (or even less). In that case, I suggest you make your stories shorter, and keep the same length of in the expository part (unless you think you can pull off an imaginary in an exam situation)
You have good points, but you may need to explicitly link it to the prompt. As you are preparing for the end of year exam, you will need to make it obvious as the examiner only look at your work for 5 minutes.
I must admit that I'm not very good at giving marks out of 10. I'll give it in between a 7 and an 8, which is not appropriate since VCAA prefers to not give any half marks. I gave it this because you have a high quality of ideas with an appropriate form. Your weakness in this essay would be making it obvious that you are addressing the prompt, rather than make it subtle. You do appear to mostly disagree with the prompt, and you need to make it easy for your examiners to find that.
When the teacher gives you your SAC back, please let us know if this feedback was any similar or different to your teacher's. It's good to compare.
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Thank you for the feedback FallingStar! It was very helpful. :D .
The essay got a 26 out of 30. 9 for 'selection an duse of ideas, argument and language for the chosen form, audience, purpose and context', 9 for complexity and relevance and an 8 for 'control of the conventions of written English'.
Here are some of the comments:*When discussing the film "Invictus", don't just describe what happened, analyse it.
*You have provided clear links to the context as well as your chosen prompt.
*The concluding paragraph considers the context and 'bigger picture' well, although you could have revisited some of the creative elements of your introductory paragraph.
There were other things about things like handwriting and fluency. I guess that was because of the time restraint.