Post by: clovvy on February 06, 2018, 09:16:28 pm
To introduce myself, I am currently a year 12 student studying at Randwick Boys High School... This school have a poor reputation and over the past 7 or so years it has been consistently on the 300-400 range in terms of rank and I am quiet ambitious as I want a really high ATAR to distinguish myself over the others (Minimum of 93 to be safe though I aim higher than that) and I have interest in law, science, engineering and mathematics (though this occur only recently)... I am also a huge fan of ATAR Notes...
My subjects are:
-Standard English
-Mathematics Extension 1
-Mathematics Extension 2
-Chemistry
-Physics
This is going to be my blogs where I may release all my frustrations and perhaps share my progress depending on my moods, if anyone will ever read my posts this is basically my HSC diary (not personal diary)....
Post by: K888 on February 06, 2018, 09:25:03 pm
Quote from: clovvy
I am also a huge fan of ATAR NotesYou'll fit in well here 8)
Can't wait to read your updates over the course of the year!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 06, 2018, 10:20:28 pm
Post by: Opengangs on February 06, 2018, 10:27:58 pm
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on February 07, 2018, 09:49:18 am
Post by: clovvy on February 08, 2018, 11:49:32 pm
Spoiler
Have anyone ever wonder why us students are forced to write 4 different essays, and make a creative piece or respond to unseen texts when most of us are not going to even do that anymore? (though the same arguments can be done with other subjects too including maths and sciences)... Or have anyone ever get frustrated for not being able to draft essays properly or having to rewrite the whole thing again, or lacking vocabulary which hinders your progress as a result of lacking in understanding? Maybe cringe over your own creative writing and keep scrapping more and more because you 'hate' your creative draft because you hate your plot? I know I do.... Maybe for most or some, you just don't want to work for english at all, me however I thought about it everyday, I read my rubrics and tried to understand it as best as I can, I literally read ATAR Notes' Standard English notes which in my opinion is very good (props to Elyse and Emily) on the train or on the bus (I did the same for other subjects) yet in vain as I vaguely remember anything to the point that it gets very frustrating.... To be honest the struggle is no different to advanced AT ALL and God I find myself in dilemmas between regrets followed with frustration for dropping and a desire to move on completely and do my best (yes, after I bombed my first assessment due to not remembering a majority of my essay with 11/20 which weigh 10% of my overall and that hurts my ranking)...
School Conditions:
Ok enough about myself, so far my progress is what I would call utterly void if I want a band 6 in this subject (Because the highest mark is 17 and everyone in my class (an ex-advanced class) got higher than me, though the average is around 7-9/20 overall)... I am seeing a LOT of competition and the fact that I know some people have already finished their drafts for module C (the next assessment is based on that and IS a listening task which happened to be my weakest) is very very intimidating.... I know that 2 people have redraft their AOS essay and I have BARELY redraft mine..... The tension in that classroom is extremely high for me...
Current Progress:
I have 3 different priorities for english at the moment, they are AOS creative writing (from my tutoring place), Module C draft (exploring transitions and personal goal (AOS essay fully edited and perfected)... I know for a fact that I lost 6 weeks in the holidays with very little done (I was half asleep/awake)
with the bare maximum done being mathematical induction (3 & 4U) revised, 2U integration, a bit of space (physics) and very little chemistry... I did however tried to redraft my essay with very little luck as I am prone to get distracted onscreen (severe disadvantage which force me to print stuff out to avoid it and I even left my phone behind to get my attention on the books only :( :( :'( :'() with very little luck... At some point I decided to get it checked so I emailed my teacher (and no response :-\ :-\), then I decided to post it on ATAR Notes and I got it marked by OpenGangs who gave me a very detailed feedback in areas of improvements which I did took and attempt to redraft it the second time (which is only partial) and post the parts that are edited (I still receive feedbacks which means there are still areas to improve)... at this point I am starting to realise that I do not enjoy using the related text my teacher recommend at all and left it at that, but couldn't find a good related text (just my luck -_-, though I did finish reading my core text for module C)....
Then holiday season is nearly over so tutoring is on, only 5 people in that class... we are given a task to write a creative since that is 'what students tend to leave till the end'. This is where hell starts because I have to try my best to stick with the stimulus and the rubric and everytime I write something for creative I tend to discard things halfway if I disliked it (I mean it made me cringe)... this occurs 3 weeks in a row where I keep scrapping more and more papers for my creative (Yes I did read the creative writing section from ATAR Notes on how to write as a guide)... So I looked for sample band 6 creative writing which gave me an idea on what a band 6 creative should look like yet it intimidates me as it shows my lack of vocabulary or any kind of creativity to be put into words, I find Emily's creative 'terrifying' when I read it.. God I can't write like that (if any of you happen to read this you can tell from the way I write)... If I were to write freehand with no guides whatsoever, it won't even follow the stimulus and I doubt it will catch the audience's attention apart from it being 'dark' in nature.... so I am left with creative 'undone' and the last creative progress 'scrapped'.. and guess what? Next wednesday I need to get it done 'somehow' and find another related text for AOS just in case the HSC asks for TWO related,.... My tutor told me that I am somewhat a 'perfectionist' and I need to stop having that mindset because it hinders my progress (I agree, but I can't really help it), so I tried to lighten the mood for myself, asking if I could use Borat or The Dictator as my related text which she strongly oppose as 'markers won't take them seriously due to the nature of the film' then a few things just pop up in my mind, 'the boy in striped pyjamas, schindler's list, Coward!, and a few other films I have watched and enjoy and could be a potential related text.. at this point I realised some of them are perfect for Module C for advanced (Representing People and Politics)!! Shit why!!!! (btw this causes another unpleasant moment of inner turmoil within myself )
When school starts, we were told to read the core text (Simple Gift by Steven Herrick) which only took me 3 days to finish and all I need to do is draft my essay according to the stimulus (and we already have the notification of the assessment and the question given).... My classroom teacher basically 'spoonfed us everything' so I am already given list of quotes and its analysis already in hand, so I can use just that yet I think I just 'overcomplicate things myself' because knowing the fact that certain elements of my essay NOT being original also disturb me greatly and I don't know how to start it in this case (yes despite being given everything, i.e. sample thesis points, sample intro etc)... Given that my last assessment mark wasn't that great and my ranking being hurt from that it is a worry and half the time I do wonder why I even dropped in the first place since I can't make use of anything (I hate it when it gets to that because I know it is unproductive)... I admit that a band 6 in standard english right now seems a bit out of reach for me which is a worry (because of my own ambition)
School Conditions:
Ok enough about myself, so far my progress is what I would call utterly void if I want a band 6 in this subject (Because the highest mark is 17 and everyone in my class (an ex-advanced class) got higher than me, though the average is around 7-9/20 overall)... I am seeing a LOT of competition and the fact that I know some people have already finished their drafts for module C (the next assessment is based on that and IS a listening task which happened to be my weakest) is very very intimidating.... I know that 2 people have redraft their AOS essay and I have BARELY redraft mine..... The tension in that classroom is extremely high for me...
Current Progress:
I have 3 different priorities for english at the moment, they are AOS creative writing (from my tutoring place), Module C draft (exploring transitions and personal goal (AOS essay fully edited and perfected)... I know for a fact that I lost 6 weeks in the holidays with very little done (I was half asleep/awake)
with the bare maximum done being mathematical induction (3 & 4U) revised, 2U integration, a bit of space (physics) and very little chemistry... I did however tried to redraft my essay with very little luck as I am prone to get distracted onscreen (severe disadvantage which force me to print stuff out to avoid it and I even left my phone behind to get my attention on the books only :( :( :'( :'() with very little luck... At some point I decided to get it checked so I emailed my teacher (and no response :-\ :-\), then I decided to post it on ATAR Notes and I got it marked by OpenGangs who gave me a very detailed feedback in areas of improvements which I did took and attempt to redraft it the second time (which is only partial) and post the parts that are edited (I still receive feedbacks which means there are still areas to improve)... at this point I am starting to realise that I do not enjoy using the related text my teacher recommend at all and left it at that, but couldn't find a good related text (just my luck -_-, though I did finish reading my core text for module C)....
Then holiday season is nearly over so tutoring is on, only 5 people in that class... we are given a task to write a creative since that is 'what students tend to leave till the end'. This is where hell starts because I have to try my best to stick with the stimulus and the rubric and everytime I write something for creative I tend to discard things halfway if I disliked it (I mean it made me cringe)... this occurs 3 weeks in a row where I keep scrapping more and more papers for my creative (Yes I did read the creative writing section from ATAR Notes on how to write as a guide)... So I looked for sample band 6 creative writing which gave me an idea on what a band 6 creative should look like yet it intimidates me as it shows my lack of vocabulary or any kind of creativity to be put into words, I find Emily's creative 'terrifying' when I read it.. God I can't write like that (if any of you happen to read this you can tell from the way I write)... If I were to write freehand with no guides whatsoever, it won't even follow the stimulus and I doubt it will catch the audience's attention apart from it being 'dark' in nature.... so I am left with creative 'undone' and the last creative progress 'scrapped'.. and guess what? Next wednesday I need to get it done 'somehow' and find another related text for AOS just in case the HSC asks for TWO related,.... My tutor told me that I am somewhat a 'perfectionist' and I need to stop having that mindset because it hinders my progress (I agree, but I can't really help it), so I tried to lighten the mood for myself, asking if I could use Borat or The Dictator as my related text which she strongly oppose as 'markers won't take them seriously due to the nature of the film' then a few things just pop up in my mind, 'the boy in striped pyjamas, schindler's list, Coward!, and a few other films I have watched and enjoy and could be a potential related text.. at this point I realised some of them are perfect for Module C for advanced (Representing People and Politics)!! Shit why!!!! (btw this causes another unpleasant moment of inner turmoil within myself )
When school starts, we were told to read the core text (Simple Gift by Steven Herrick) which only took me 3 days to finish and all I need to do is draft my essay according to the stimulus (and we already have the notification of the assessment and the question given).... My classroom teacher basically 'spoonfed us everything' so I am already given list of quotes and its analysis already in hand, so I can use just that yet I think I just 'overcomplicate things myself' because knowing the fact that certain elements of my essay NOT being original also disturb me greatly and I don't know how to start it in this case (yes despite being given everything, i.e. sample thesis points, sample intro etc)... Given that my last assessment mark wasn't that great and my ranking being hurt from that it is a worry and half the time I do wonder why I even dropped in the first place since I can't make use of anything (I hate it when it gets to that because I know it is unproductive)... I admit that a band 6 in standard english right now seems a bit out of reach for me which is a worry (because of my own ambition)
Post by: clovvy on February 20, 2018, 07:09:21 pm
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on February 20, 2018, 07:31:22 pm
don't be too discouraged by your marks, and by not being able to pick up Advanced again. doing Standard doesn't hinder your goal of 98+; you have time to improve because there's still time - ask lots of questions, practice writing, etc. as for marks, don't be too disheartened, because once again, you have time to improve. have you considered having a tutor? i don't know if it'll help, but it may be an option.
i don't think it's worth dropping out of school just because of a bad term. there are going to be times when all you want to do is give up, but you've come so far (13 years of schooling!) so you may as well finish. :-)
all the best,
fantasticbeasts
Post by: clovvy on February 24, 2018, 09:53:07 am
Friday, 23rd was the time of my second english assessment... It was 15 or 20% worth I can't remember exactly now.. Everyday I spent my time editing my essays and refining them (the question was given so I literally know what to write and once it's good I can use it on the day if I remember everything)... I send it to my class teacher she said that it is good and I only have to memorise it.. Then when I send it to the headteacher, she said I am expecting 'High B' which I am not satisfied with... But it is already a week prior so I have to work on my other subjects too... I recorded my essays with my own voice and listen to it everytime I walk or wait for the bus etc... Guess what's annoying, it was a listening task, and I have to answer two short answer responses and an essay with my unseen text as a related ON THE DAY... Under 50 minutes while the advanced kids get to listen to it the day before (4 short responses on the day and audio listened 2x, then a whole period to write their essays, they have the advantage coz they can prepare the day before)... On the day, I have a morning class for 4U class and chemistry on first period while others get a free (they have an advantage coz they can prepare... My chem teacher threaten to give me N-award if I attempt to revise in class).... When the bell ring I knew it was exam time, I listened to the audio twice and I write notes down from the audio, I took down everything I could and quickly answer all the short responses as soon as I can... The moment I am up to my essay it was already 30 minutes... I rushed through my introduction, and quickly wrote my first paragraph (thankfully I remembered a my quotes, effect and main arguments)... Then I rushed through my second paragraph that is my related which took a bit longer given that it was unseen
.. Then in the process of finishing the third paragraph, it was 5 minutes left... F#@K!! , I end up having to abandon parts of my quotes and finish off with the link... Then when I was about to start the 4th paragraph it was like 2 minutes left.... So I quickly rushed to my conclusion without finishing my 4th paragraph which is only my thesis point... Then before I knew it the bell rang... Then the teacher said 'pens down except for those who had my permission" , oh shit really? I managed to finish my conclusion somehow (of course it was prepared too and the related worked very well with the core text).. Then I need to hand in the paper while 2 other people were given a bit of extra time to finish off.. I was enraged and I felt defeated... If this was advanced I wouldn't be as worried, but this is Standard man!!!! After bombing my first please don't tell me I will bomb another one???? I want a BAND 6 for this subject, or move to advanced and get a band 6/ high band 5!!! I heard how those in my english class were sent out early because they were given permission except for those in my chem class... I felt devastated by this exam and how some students were given advantage over others by my teacher in my class... I could report her to the headteacher or NESA but I don't want to given that she spoonfed the whole class and make our job easier in a way and spend a LOT of time going through our essays.. The last period was a free for me, I decided to leave school early still devastated... The wish of dropping out and redo everything in TAFE also came back to me.. Then I bump into a friend who dropped out of school early and we decided to chill... My friend took a snapchat of me and send it to my mates (not friend)... Then a bunch of comments about me were made such as 'yea, fuck clovvy up for me, he snitched on us'... I was like WTF is going on I didn't do anything... Then when I open my messenger, a classmate messaged me 'I didn't cheat so don't try to get people into trouble'... At this moment I felt something was off... My friend decided to find out what was happening, from here I realised I was being accused of reporting the principal about the whole class cheating, the related text being leaked etc (I was unaware that the class teacher leak the related on studentshare and some students manage to get their hands on it). It was a whole bunch of mess that I never did on the day... Then I overheard a conversation between my friend and my classmate through the phone, I heard everything, it is as though a bunch of students in my class are plotting against me or thought I did something similar like this... I was confused.. When I asked why this classmate of mine told me that apparently I told the principal and they were approached by the headteacher... This may lead to us having to redo the assessment again.. God this is stressful... If I never dropped advanced or drop out to TAFE and do advanced there this would never happen... The whole situation is a MESS!
Post by: RuiAce on February 24, 2018, 10:14:33 am
It has been hectic week for sure, after working my ass off for my first assessment of term 1, I thought all that hard work is in vain... Next thing I know I am being falsely accussed.I know for a fact that nobody on here is going to let that be, and neither should you. If when all you're trying to do is just take the HSC like every other student and you end up being targeted for what essentially is bullying then something needs to be done. If you have a school counsellor, they might be a good person to speak to. But otherwise, whereas not much can be said about your teacher, something needs to happen immediately regarding the bullying issue.
Right now, you're basically being wrongly accused. And it's for an issue that could be considered severe. So your first protocol could be your year coordinator, the head teacher, or as mentioned above the counsellor. Counselling is going to help regardless so it's a good idea to talk about these concerns with her. But assuming your year coordinator is another great person, it really is time to send an email so that they get notified of your situation ASAP. (Same goes for your head teacher, because they have a greater say of what happens in the exam.) If not, then worst case scenario arrange to talk with your principal/vice-principal; they'll always hear you out, and most of the time they'll also take action.
Whilst it's a painful word, you practically have been bullied by a certain gang. And especially since you can't tell who started it, you should definitely do something about it. Last thing you'd want is for all your hard work to turn into a miserable waste just because of some assholes.
With your teacher, you can't always ascertain why the other two were allowed to continue writing. However, that should still be something you deal with if you feel those 2 that were advantaged genuinely had no proper excuse to have been. If you genuinely think something's abnormal in this regard, again you have to take action; just avoid the formal paperwork until you really have sufficient evidence.
Post by: clovvy on February 24, 2018, 12:14:35 pm
I know for a fact that nobody on here is going to let that be, and neither should you. If when all you're trying to do is just take the HSC like every other student and you end up being targeted for what essentially is bullying then something needs to be done. If you have a school counsellor, they might be a good person to speak to. But otherwise, whereas not much can be said about your teacher, something needs to happen immediately regarding the bullying issue.
Right now, you're basically being wrongly accused. And it's for an issue that could be considered severe. So your first protocol could be your year coordinator, the head teacher, or as mentioned above the counsellor. Counselling is going to help regardless so it's a good idea to talk about these concerns with her. But assuming your year coordinator is another great person, it really is time to send an email so that they get notified of your situation ASAP. (Same goes for your head teacher, because they have a greater say of what happens in the exam.) If not, then worst case scenario arrange to talk with your principal/vice-principal; they'll always hear you out, and most of the time they'll also take action.
Whilst it's a painful word, you practically have been bullied by a certain gang. And especially since you can't tell who started it, you should definitely do something about it. Last thing you'd want is for all your hard work to turn into a miserable waste just because of some assholes.
With your teacher, you can't always ascertain why the other two were allowed to continue writing. However, that should still be something you deal with if you feel those 2 that were advantaged genuinely had no proper excuse to have been. If you genuinely think something's abnormal in this regard, again you have to take action; just avoid the formal paperwork until you really have sufficient evidence.
The thing is I don't really have friends at school, if I were to email anyone in this situation I may have to spill the beans which may result in severe consequences on others and myself... This may mean my class teacher get into trouble (my whole class loved her) and if I cause anything, EVERYONE will hate me and I might be picked on a daily basis.... I am literally scared to take actions because I don't know what to say... If I were to take drastic actions such as making reports about these, I honestly need back up and like I've mentioned before I don't have friends at school (as in genuine friends, just acquintances).... Again this is why I wonder if dropping out would worth so I don't have to deal with assholes like these (I have thought about it and decided to stay, but this situation causes my mind to shift again)...
Post by: RuiAce on February 24, 2018, 05:35:29 pm
The thing is I don't really have friends at school, if I were to email anyone in this situation I may have to spill the beans which may result in severe consequences on others and myself... This may mean my class teacher get into trouble (my whole class loved her) and if I cause anything, EVERYONE will hate me and I might be picked on a daily basis.... I am literally scared to take actions because I don't know what to say... If I were to take drastic actions such as making reports about these, I honestly need back up and like I've mentioned before I don't have friends at school (as in genuine friends, just acquintances).... Again this is why I wonder if dropping out would worth so I don't have to deal with assholes like these (I have thought about it and decided to stay, but this situation causes my mind to shift again)...The more you worry about consequences, the more you're saying you need the professional help. If fear is the only thing holding you back then you're going to need the assistance of the counsellor. I'm fairly sure counsellors are legally obliged to keep your conversations with them confidential, unless you provide consent.
As far as things go, their advice is the one you should always take on board (regardless of what anyone else says). If your school doesn't have one, it really isn't a waste going looking for one.
Post by: clovvy on March 06, 2018, 02:00:00 pm
It was the last period of school on Monday 6 March, I was exhausted by then... Discouraged after discovering gaps in knowledge, keep finding more one after another throughout the week as I cannot explain MOST of the contents in physics and chem specifically from the syllabus and noticing how quickly I get rusty in maths.... This last period it was announced that everyone will get their english essay result back... Great, I was expecting 9-12/15 which is going to disappoint me..... as I got my paper it was 14/15!!!!!.. Dammit that was my VERY FIRST BAND 6 EVER IN YR 12 THIS YEAR AND MY VERY FIRST ASSESSMENT OF 2018!!! I was really happy, considering that it is arguably my weakest subject......
At last I experience morale boost, then I notice that as I cram (half yearlies is within 4 weeks), I tend to get less nervous..... I am aiming for more band 6 in the upcoming assessments, and I just hope I make it by then.... I don't really know if 4 weeks is enough to cover the massive chunk of gaps in my knowledge but judging from Jake's article it seems doable... this whole 4 weeks is going to be packed with cramming and passpaper spams within the last 2 weeks before my half yearlies...
I hope I could make it by then
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on March 06, 2018, 02:12:44 pm
Post by: clovvy on March 06, 2018, 10:25:07 pm
Congrats on your awesome mark!!!! So well deserved :-) Work hard does pay off - keep going at it - all the best for your half yearlies, you'll do amazing.
Thanks a lot man, considering that it was a listening task and I do not have a prepared response for my related as everyone gets it in the day (interested with the story? See my previous post, you can see how I feel then and why I was shocked haha)
Post by: clovvy on March 30, 2018, 02:18:01 pm
Whenever I feel anxious, I know it can hinder my overall progress so I tried to keep telling myself a little progress is far better than none at all...
So I decided to:
1.write all of my worries
2.write the causes and reason
3.write down the current situation
4.write down possible solutioms
5.execute it, and put worry aside (which is not easy tbh)....
So today I felt better than my usual mornings with this approach, and knowing that creative is my weakest, I decided to practice for 40 minutes and see how I go (a friend is also there).. I am using the Sydney Girls 2016 paper as a stimulus and it went terribly... I recognize how weak I am in it, as well as my lack of vocabulary and ability to comprehend texts for short responses.... I got stressed but I have to keep telling myself it is better to know sooner than later... I know I am struggling now but I can still do better in the actual exam
... I have to keep telling myself that...
I may have a perfectionist attitude and prone to ditch drafts if I hate it... So my progress is very very slow..
Same goes for physics as I have difficulty understanding and remembering contents... I panicked and it did affect me for days, so I write about that too and do more passpapers open book at first.. I am scared but that will not help.. So I just have to do what I have to do..
Now it seems that the HSC is more about mind game than it is about content as the syllabus is there and it tells you exactly what I needed to know, so remaining positive must be something I struggled with the most..
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 30, 2018, 11:57:35 pm
Half yearlies are seriously no big deal, definitely not worth getting stressed about. Work as hard as you can, keep yourself feeling good, and whatever happens happens - Just one chance out of many to do well this year ;D
Post by: clovvy on April 09, 2018, 02:10:41 pm
Basically I know that in exams it won't help if you are anxious as it hinders your performace on the day and won't let you think clearly. It is evident with my performance. First week I felt no anxiety at all for Physics which let me think more clearly. My 2U exam I have a little bit of anxiety that doesn't hurt much.
Today I had english, I have prepared for my essay and my creative which is not too great... In the exam and before the exam, I conditioned myself to not be anxious and keep telling myself I will do better this half yearly than my year 11 half yearly as I have prepared more... But the opposite seems true as I get anxious after 40 minutes and as a result it eats away 1 hour of my exam as I froze and could not write after not being able to answer 2 of the short response question (I am slow at interpreting and analysing)... The anxiety left me virtually no time for creative and I only finished my intro and incomplete first and second paragraph for essay... I was devastated because the question works very nicely with my prepared essay.... I have lost about 23 marks and most likely lost most of my marks in the essay and bits and pieces of mistakes in my short responses.... I was horrified at the end as I have indeed prepared for this exam yet anxiety gets the good of me, it took me one hour to really remove the anxiety that hinders me from working... That whole paper 1 was horrific, not because it was hard.. But it was because of anxiety attack that came out of nowhere from merely going over 40 minutes for short response... as a result I failed to maximise my marks... Right after the exam, I decided to see the councellor where we chatted for a few hours.. She told me that she is more than willing to help if there is a possibility appeal and I by the way she sees it, I do suffer from anxiety (my summer holidays became unproductive because of this too, I did not relax yet I am not getting much work done because of it, it was prolonged and it took tremendous amount of effort to put it aside, which is why I was able to cope with physics which arguably is one of my weakest yet fail to do so with english)... Therefore she suggested that if possible I should make an appeal and get a misadventure form signed and get a doctor certificate (I haven't been to doctors for these kind of stuff after year 11)..., I refused to get special provision simply because I believe I do not deserve it at all, and that I have no mental illness of any sort.. Even though I was given the suggestion to appeal, I do not believe I have any right to do so as I do procrastinate a lot with my own fingernails (yeah one of those habits do distract me, I tried on multiple occasions to resist it)... Assuming 0 out of 15% (definitely not 0, I should get marks here and there somewhere), I have lost 1% and 4.5% on my previous assessments for english... To make up for this for a band 6 or high band 5, I might need to get 100% on ALL of my other assessments which seems impossible... Therefore I do wonder if there is any possiblity to make up for this (my rank definitely drops drastically from here)
Now I have no time to stress and learn to move on for my next exams,I learn this from first hand experience in term 1... Now I do wonder if I should get an appointment with a GP or not
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 09, 2018, 07:43:36 pm
Here I am sitting at my study table still feeling the impact of that exam... The devastation of paper 1 discovery for half yearlies.. I cannot bear how I lost 1 hour to anxiety where if I keep calm, I could at least finish with my essay as the question works with my essay..... That got into my study for my next exam which is not good, and at the same time I do feel that I need to find a way to calm down... tomorrow is my extension 1 followed by chemistry on the same day. Extension 2 after that.... Now now I just hope anxiety did not get the good of me again like it did for english....... In all honesty, this half yearly do make me feel like the atar goal of 97-98+ is drifting away due to that english exam for paper 1 but I cannot let that get into me, I have read Jamon's article about half yearlies over and over again, desperately trying to keep positive regardless of situation... man this sucks!!...
Don't despair, you are jumping to conclusions before you've gotten results! They probably won't be as bad as you think ;D
Best of luck for the rest of the exams. Stay positive!
Post by: dcesaona on April 10, 2018, 05:31:55 pm
Post by: clovvy on April 13, 2018, 08:22:15 pm
However, the impact of how I went badly in extension 2 was a misery to me... Judging from the difficulty of the exam and how I would roughly estimate 20/60 worth of work at most ignoring mistakes is devastating, considering that it weighs 20% and my current position being 2/2 although we only differ by 1% for the first assessment... This have drastically reduced my possibility of E4.... I don't even know why I choose it in the first place, not that I hated the subject at all, I quite liked it... However, I am terribly demotivated by my current performance (I wasn't told my marks yet, judging from the way my teacher spoke to me I didn't do well) ...
All of the fail stories I read are not as severe as these... Which is why I am terribly stressed out, in fact I deeply regretted not dropping out sometimes.. Even worse I do find myself losing the will to live even which I tried to surpress.... Of course I am aware no one can help me with this but myself, which is why I rarely post and I do not seek help at all until I no longer able to take it... The fact that I am stuck with 10 units is even worse as I can't drop anything, not that I really want to drop 4U considering the amount of money I spent on it...
Post by: clovvy on April 29, 2018, 06:44:20 pm
Despite my best effort to learn how to manage anxiety, I have failed to have complete control over it in 2 weeks as it turns out to be mood swings instead.... I have had both good and bad sleeps over the holidays as I know over working will cause myself to not function properly... Despite my best effort to overcome them, I still see my inability to fully concentrate on task at hand and cannot control my anger in the middle of work, which became a problem (there is a long story for this, but I wouldn't dare to post it here as I am afraid that I may breach the AN policy since it is pretty dark, also afraid of getting dislikes by others and mods for my wickedness)...
Today the first thing that happens when I woke up is fear for tomorrow is the first day of school.... I am very scared... Over the holidays I have had mood swings between using my failures as an advantage to push harder and motivate myself, and fearing of failure and what happen when I did not get my desired atar and failing to prove myself and as time goes I am starting to see questions as intimidating rather than interesting, and my star goal getting further and further away from me... What is even more disturbing is I do search up suicide rates related to the hsc and have found 3 people doing that last year, and I am starting to see that mindset occuring as well as I can't take it anymore... However I am too scared to tell my relatives about these and am afraid to tell my parents about it (particularly my dad since he is pretty hard)... The difficulty of keeping a positive attitude is very disturbing to me, and I am also disgusted with myself over the past mistakes I have made which shows that I can't fully forgive myself... I have seen the councellor before and I have had doctor certificate for my half-yearly exam... I am planning to see the school councellor again about this... It seems like it's getting out of hand...
I know for sure that nobody can change me, I am the only one under control over everything which is why I decided to not write anything at AN when I am frustrated over something for I fear that my posts will annoy a lot of people.. I know nobody like to be around negative people either... In all honesty I haven't found a meaningful purpose for my desired degree apart from prestige among others and refusal to be oppressed and being looked down upon and ridiculed by others.... I do believe only I can help myself, yet I am not seeing much progress in myself after the two weeks holidays apart from vaguely understanding stuff that I am weak at and not fully mastering them.. I don't think I will rest even for the hsc (apart from sleep)... Sometimes I do wonder if I have gone mentally insane
Post by: clovvy on May 01, 2018, 02:22:09 pm
I had a terrible 8 hour sleep still with disappointments in mind, and out of the blue a friend of mine who dropped out of TAFE called me and desperately asked me for help with differentiation of trig functions, logs and exponentials... I agreed to help him and decided to find a spot at UNSW library (both of us live around the area)... and he decided to bring his classmate too.... before I get started they explained the situation how they have an exam unnotified and given worksheets to do without the contents being taught, therefore I teach them from scratch to make sure they understand the contents... as I look through the worksheets I saw curve sketching questions too so I decided to teach them how to do them, beginning from the basis of differentiation into finding stationary points and concavities. took me about 6 hours altogether... They were very thankful to me and told me "you literally saved out lives dude, thanks".... I don't really take those statements seriously but I do feel a lot better after that, it made me happy that the skills I have learned can be useful to others in a sense (not that I am a high achiever myself)...
Post by: clovvy on May 01, 2018, 02:54:44 pm
First day back to school, I received my half yearly marks:
Physics: 30/60-(weighs 20%)
Chemistry: 30/60-(weighs 20%)
3U maths: 20/35-(weighs 30%) 3/3
4U maths: haven't got it back-definitely fail
English: 11/15 orals (15%), Half yearlies 16/45-raw (covered by doctor certificate- total 15% worth)
Extremely disappointed and the fact that I WORK MY ASS OFF HARDER THAN SOME WHO DID BETTER is extremely frustrating, particularly the sciences (where a lot of people do fail and the questions are similar to that of HSC style), maths I lose a lot of marks from silly mistakes and the effect of english on the day (extremely disappointed).... My atar goal is getting further and further away from me and possibly may not even get to the course that I wanted... a band 5 in everything only gives me a 91 atar (possibly lower judging from atar calculators inaccuracy at times), far from my atar goal that I wanted... I may potentially need to get 100% for every single assessments in the future which is too unrealistic or next to impossible with the way I am now... I have read Opengang's article but my atar goal is much higher than that for advanced science/law degree (and for other reasons too)....
At times I do feel like killing myself as I cannot handle these anymore, I do research on how to end myself quickly as I don't really have anyone in mind that I truly care for... However I am a coward, which is why I wished to drop out in the first place from the beginning to start it all again, at times I do fear eternity in hell which is ironic.... All of my ambitions and desire is all based on proving my worth and prove other people's statements to be wrong...., I cannot bare the thought of disproving myself at the end...... Too scared to speak about it to authorities, my school councellor or anyone in mind fearing that they will end up having cops all over me and being lectured all the cliche statements (logically yes I have other options but I do not want that for the sake of my own pride)... Even if I do decide on it I probably try not to say anything beforehand or make it obvious to anyone how stressed I am at this point... probably a bit of farewells to some I have a certain level of trust with.. but that could all be my imagination...
Post by: Razeen25 on May 01, 2018, 03:39:23 pm
1 May 2017
First day back to school, I received my half yearly marks:
Physics: 30/60-(weighs 20%)
Chemistry: 30/60-(weighs 20%)
3U maths: 20/35-(weighs 30%) 3/3
4U maths: haven't got it back-definitely fail
English: 11/15 orals (15%), Half yearlies 16/45-raw (covered by doctor certificate- total 15% worth)
Extremely disappointed and the fact that I WORK MY ASS OFF HARDER THAN SOME WHO DID BETTER is extremely frustrating, particularly the sciences (where a lot of people do fail and the questions are similar to that of HSC style), maths I lose a lot of marks from silly mistakes and the effect of english on the day (extremely disappointed).... My atar goal is getting further and further away from me and possibly may not even get to the course that I wanted... a band 5 in everything only gives me a 91 atar (possibly lower judging from atar calculators inaccuracy at times), far from my atar goal that I wanted... I may potentially need to get 100% for every single assessments in the future which is too unrealistic or next to impossible with the way I am now... I have read Opengang's article but my atar goal is much higher than that for advanced science/law degree (and for other reasons too)....
At times I do feel like killing myself as I cannot handle these anymore, I do research on how to end myself quickly as I don't really have anyone in mind that I truly care for... However I am a coward, which is why I wished to drop out in the first place from the beginning to start it all again, at times I do fear eternity in hell which is ironic.... All of my ambitions and desire is all based on proving my worth and prove other people's statements to be wrong...., I cannot bare the thought of disproving myself at the end...... Too scared to speak about it to authorities, my school councellor or anyone in mind fearing that they will end up having cops all over me and being lectured all the cliche statements (logically yes I have other options but I do not want that for the sake of my own pride)... Even if I do decide on it I probably try not to say anything beforehand or make it obvious to anyone how stressed I am at this point... probably a bit of farewells to some I have a certain level of trust with.. but that could all be my imagination...
Hii. Well I'm not really very good at talking to new people but this made me a little sad.
I can see that your half-yearly results weren't as good as you'd expected, but I'd just like to say that its alright for you to feel upset, but please don't even CONSIDER killing yourself or anything even similar. About not wanting to talk to people about it, please do. You WILL feel better!
But most of all please remember,
It's okay. It is and it will be. Half yearlies didn't mean that much and you can still improve and HSC isn't the end of the world and ATAR's don't mean so much in the end, since there are always pathways.
I'm sure you've heard all of that before but please make sure you remember it all now. I also have problems with anxiety and sleep and over stressing so if you ever need anyone to rant to/talk to, talk to me!
Please feel better!
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on May 01, 2018, 04:52:32 pm
It's okay to feel crappy about your half-yearly marks, but please don't consider killing yourself. You have so much to live for as well - the HSC is only one part of it. I flunked my half yearlies real bad too. Like I got 60% for 2 subjects, and 53% for another. It's all about what you choose to do with these results - use them as motivation, or give up.
I'm telling you now, giving up is definitely not worth it. If I gave up after seeing my half-yearly results, I wouldn't be doing my dream uni course today! Put in the work, find out what you're doing wrong, talking to teachers (became my biggest supporters by the end of the year!) and friends about any problems you have really helps. Like Razeen25 said, you have so much time to improve. And always remember that the HSC isn't a true measure of your worth, and you are worth so much more than a number. :-)
All the best!
Post by: clovvy on May 03, 2018, 09:52:23 am
My parents knew about this, they congratulate me for passing the exam with exactly 50% after all the hard work I put in.. part of me felt relieved I am not being put down, however part of me felt insulted and that I am lacking the capacity I need... I experience countless of mood swings between keeping myself motivated to try even harder and feeling utterly devastated wish to get out of the HSC and possibly end my own life as I cannot bear it any longer.... Last night I could not sleep properly as I felt immense disappointment and experience chest pain and heavy breathings... I am a very weak individual indeed and I know I cannot trust anyone nor can anyone help my conditions but perhaps this pathetic self... And I hated to see myself the way I am now... I swear all I could do is complain ATM, what the hell am I?
Post by: Poet on May 03, 2018, 10:18:25 am
After reading the replies I get after getting extremely disheartened, I tried my best to not let those thoughts get the good of me, with very little luck...
My parents knew about this, they congratulate me for passing the exam with exactly 50% after all the hard work I put in.. part of me felt relieved I am not being put down, however part of me felt insulted and that I am lacking the capacity I need... I experience countless of mood swings between keeping myself motivated to try even harder and feeling utterly devastated wish to get out of the HSC and possibly end my own life as I cannot bear it any longer.... Last night I could not sleep properly as I felt immense disappointment and experience chest pain and heavy breathings... I am a very weak individual indeed and I know I cannot trust anyone nor can anyone help my conditions but perhaps this pathetic self... And I hated to see myself the way I am now... I swear all I could do is complain ATM, what the hell am I?
Hey, clovvy. I felt it was really important to me to talk straight, so here we go.
Let's stop talking about school for a moment.
First thing you need to do, right now, is breathe.
In, out. Focus on your breathing. Close your eyes and focus on the feeling of slowly and deliberately filling your lungs with air, your chest expanding. Then hold it for two seconds and breathe out in a steady stream, like blowing on hot food until you have no more air in your lungs. Then do it again, and again, until you can think straight and see what you've just written.
I know how hard it can be to live with anxiety, or severe disappointment in yourself and your abilities to deal with things that go wrong. It's okay to feel disappointed in your marks. It's not okay to continually dwell on the disappointment, because this is what's dragging you down. Try to consciously think positively. This is really hard at the start, but it gets easier. Don't sacrifice your health for your work, because in the end you're human, and no human can live on adrenaline and stress and sheer grit for long. The HSC isn't going to be nice to you, so don't be nice to it.
But please, for the love of all things sacred, be nice to yourself.
And sometimes we just need to let out our stresses and pains and negative thoughts. You're using the forum as an outlet, and that's okay. If complaining makes you feel better, go for it. And know that no matter how bad your marks are, you're still appreciated by your friends and your family - even us here on AN. And you deserve to be appreciated by yourself.
I wrote an article a while ago that I think might help you with how you feel. Please read through it and take into account what I've learned, and am still learning, from experience very similar to yours. And please tell your parents how you feel, and maybe go see a school counselor. You're not alone in this, and people can help you. You just need to take the step and get help before you can feel better about yourself. And once you're on the road to recovery, then you can reach your full potential and absolutely smash the HSC. I know you can do it, but it starts on the inside.
It starts with a deep breath in, and a long breath out.
Okay?
Peace, my friend,
~ Nina
Post by: clovvy on May 07, 2018, 10:32:55 pm
4 May 2018
Regarding my suicidal thoughts, it is serious, I am not even joking about it... I did tell one of my friends who had similar experience way before the HSC and understood exactly how I felt... he even told me that I cut himself and he nearly jumped off a bridge... He also mentioned that if my mind is fixed to killing myself, I should tell him face-to-face "I'm going to kill myself". He also advised me to seek professional help, go get the school councellor or the year advisor... If not then anyone I trust... I did exactly that, and as a result the principal rang the cops on me and I got escorted all the way to Prince of Wales hospital... they shared their experience with the HSC back in 2009 and told me that it is not worth stressing at all, also mentioned that by law I have to stay at the hospital until I was deemed safe to leave.. My experience with the hospital is I would say 'weird' and it is boring since I sat there for hours starting from roughly 2 pm and managed to get out at 7pm, I told my friend exactly what happened and he also shared with me his experience at the hospital since the school did have to ring the cops on him too 3 years ago, however he specifically requested ambulance instead.... The hospital is always lacking in mental health team thus the wait took me over 4 hours.... long story short the guy did refer me to headspace, told me that I am being too hard on myself and that from his understanding I may have borderline aspergers or autism spectrum disorder or OCD which may have impacted the way I cope with anxiety and stress altogether (not severe enough to be diagnosed, however I do have the traits).. Once released I ring up one of my other pal who dropped out and invite him to have dinner with me at Metro One Kebab and ordered $22 HSP and a pide for $14.50 to let it all out... While trying to forget everything, he mentioned 'bro he beat ... and he barely studied dude' and 'bro him beating ... says a lot'... I don't know why but I do feel insulted since I put in a lot of work myself while experiencing anxiety at the same time (once anxious I get unproductive, however I forced myself into it)
My parents were aware of this as a result and told me not to worry about the HSC in the meantime and that it is no longer important for now, it is my mental health that needs to be taken care of..... To me deliberately putting work off and my mind off the HSC is challenging.. Due to the stress that I went through I consider dropping out the second time....
5-6 May 2018
I call this my 'no-work' period where I tried to forget everything HSC related.... Honestly while most find it easy to just put off work and do something fun, I struggled to keep my mind off the books.... To me it is very important, I need to do extremely well.... Yet it is not that important in the long run... why do I care about it so much?? Why do I even want to have that temporary respect and awe from my peers?? Stuff that!! IDC, I just want to have some fun for now!!! (Not that I have much luck finding it).... sometimes I do felt a bit relaxed when there is a bit of hope to drop out and start over again...
7 May 2018
Feeling aweful in the classroom, cannot focus in physics, feeling threatened in chemistry, extremely disheartened in english and uneasy in maths... there really is nothing right anymore... I remember how I came to school feeling all good, but now I just want to get out ASAP and I don't even want to come to school..... I do wish to drop out, yet everyone tried to keep me in... I hated this.... I should have dropped put earlier to be in a better headspace.... I should not listen to them.... FUCK IT!!!.... I do get to see the school councellor today, she did refer me to headspace and also set up a safety plan for me once I explained to her how I felt suicidal (there is a lot going on but just leave it at that).... When I get home I just go on my laptop and play FPS games, just stop caring for the hsc in the meantime.... In all honesty it could be just me giving up.... However when that thought came, plenty of echoes can be heard that includes if I give up, then it's all over... I still remember fantasicbeast3's post how it's not worth to give up..... with all this bullshit going on, I do wonder whether the contents are hard or it is just my anxiety killing me altogether...
Post by: clovvy on May 09, 2018, 07:12:52 pm
Post by: clovvy on May 09, 2018, 09:45:31 pm
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 09, 2018, 09:49:23 pm
Some things I don't quite understand is why the school is really trying to keep me in...
They are looking out for what they believe are your best interests. As are your parents, as is everyone who will be involved in this sort of decision.
Maintain a dialogue, with your parents and the school. At the very least this will put across the issues you are currently experiencing, so that they can hopefully improve.
If you are really keen for the change, then don't drop it until either:
a) You get it
b) You are happy that you've got plans in place to stay at school and make the situation better
Post by: clovvy on May 09, 2018, 11:07:43 pm
They are looking out for what they believe are your best interests. As are your parents, as is everyone who will be involved in this sort of decision.
Maintain a dialogue, with your parents and the school. At the very least this will put across the issues you are currently experiencing, so that they can hopefully improve.
If you are really keen for the change, then don't drop it until either:
a) You get it
b) You are happy that you've got plans in place to stay at school and make the situation better
True, however if I want to drop out it has to be done ASAP...
Post by: clovvy on May 10, 2018, 10:50:00 am
Post by: AngelWings on May 11, 2018, 01:57:25 pm
I won't say I know what it is like to be in your position, but I am happy that you have recognised and are currently in the process of solving the issue at hand. I want to congratulate you on your active problem solving in a positive manner. I can only hope that only good things will happen to you and wish you all the best, as well as offer my support to you while you choose your path. Regardless of your choice, you will have the unconditional support of the AN community and we will rally behind your choice of schooling no matter what.
AngelWings
Post by: clovvy on May 31, 2018, 09:37:22 pm
To keep it short, the HSC is not meant the end all (I am aware of that).. But to me it really means a lot somehow as it can act as a redeeming factor of some sort... This mindset doesn't help yet I obsess over it.. Sometimes I do wonder if I am doing the HSC for the wrong reasons.
Tomorrow the whole school will attend the careers expo and I will be there.. I am looking forward to checking up on AN and other places in there.. Also I need to find another purpose of doing this HSC to begin with (like I don't hate my subjects, I just cannot work with the system it seems).. I might want to ask something in another forum..
Post by: clovvy on June 05, 2018, 08:39:13 pm
1 June 2018
This is the day where ALL of my yr 12 cohort visited the careers expo... so the plan is everyone gets there together by 9:40... because of that my maths teacher decided to run the 4U maths class in the morning which finishes at 8:50... I went there with my buddy since he was also in that class (just 2 of us doing 4U), went down to kingsford and caught a 393 (I avoid tapping the opal and manage to get away with it haha)... From there I get some brochures from UNSW and UTS discuss with them about the courses that I wanted to do (though unfortunately all of the UNSW student ambassador that I spoke to cannot answer my question 'why advanced maths and advanced science cannot be combined together', I was able to extract some information about the courses that they are doing and get some new perspectives about them... (I also visited the AN area that day and I saw Susie and Isaac at the counter, and I mistook someone as naomi (can't remember who it was though haha).... and I visited the maths association nsw and get some info about info sessions they are running... Later on I visited the Defence Force area, where I get to experience the flight simulators...
To me, the most interesting out of all is the time I spend in the Defence Force area, there I get to use a helicopter simulator and it was something I am totally unfamiliar with and with my first attempt I crashed every minute (I was fully unaware that helicopters does not have any brakes).... and I am not used to the way the whole thing works (it is a totally different feeling to flying a helicopter in video games like cod black ops for example)..... Then I decided to let others have a go..... After roughly half an hour, watching other people doing it I am starting to realise that most people don't make it because they panic as they tried to land or panic as they do not know what to do next.... From there I decided to learn a little bit more about the controls, tell myself to calm down and not panic..... and have another go.. This time I did not crash and I was able to follow the objectives (like spin the helicopter, flight it higher or lower... ). Everything was good until I realise my helicopter flies backwards when I tried to get it go forward... there I realise that helicopters have to face 'downwards' for it to move 'forward... unfortunately before I could land the helicopter the time runs out as 'I failed to land on time'..... This is not something you get to experience on a daily basis.... I mean playing around with approx $4-10 million simulator (also used by the military) is really awesome.... the flight simulator experience tells a few things about myself: 1. I am an anxious person 2. I am highly impatient, and that have cost me a lot of things 3. Most of my screw up is very likely to stem from the 2 stuff I mentioned...
2 June 2018
I was given a free ticket back to the careers expo on Saturday and I know that Jamon is running a seminar that day... and I have arranged a tutoring session at parramatta for maths that day too (in the mornings)... so I have a 3 hours session (over $80 spent) at parramatta library and once done I went to the seminar straight away (by then Jamon probably started it, as soon as I arrived)... since I do not know where the seminar is held, I went to the AN bench (and I saw Susie and Isaac again lol).... I asked them where the seminar is located (unfortunately they too have no idea)... and Susie happened to look for where Jamon is so I tag along with her for a bit (and after 10 minutes or so I am finally there haha... So the session did run for quite a bit (not gonna bother to tell what happened there)... Once done I asked Jamon how to approach some of the 'extension questions' of 3U cambridge and he told me that there is no pamphlet to follow for those type and I just have to know and some I have to use logic (which I am lacking in unfortunately- yep being self critical).... Then also mention to him how HSC have become a meat grinder to me (since he mention that I rely on others a lot in the HSC- but to me I believe it is all free for all, kill each other off for the first spot until all of the internal assessments are done), and he told me to NOT look at it that way and that I will not be happy that way.. and I should enjoy yr 12 (clearly I am not atm)... and the rest just goes on like usual...
Overall
Yep getting bad half yearlies sucks, however not being able to recover is far worse I suppose? It took me over 6 weeks to recover from it and now I have assessments coming (oh great)... Giving up will exacerbate the situation for sure and being anxious is definitely not helping (something I genuinely struggle with)... Now I do have a plan of attack and I know I am in a similar situation as the half yearlies yet again (lost 6 weeks to almost nothing as I cannot remember what I've learned and the majority of time is lost cursing myself and my fate at times or daydream about the version of myself I wish I could be- super genious, state rank over 15 units worth of subjects and have super high reputation and people telling me 'are you human/are you god' etc)... I guess I have to use this 2 weeks to work around things somehow.... and trials is approaching (and the MAJORITY of content covered I am still weak at)... will I make it? I guess I'll have to see for myself... please no more stress Clovvy, OK??
Post by: clovvy on June 07, 2018, 04:40:05 pm
Here is what I will do:
1. Set a number of task to be done on specific time- my past mistake was the failure to focus on one thing at a time... even if I didn't finish at least I tried and I wasn't sitting down staring at papers for hours and not do anything out of anxiety
2. I tend to be impulsive, I in fact tried to surpress it to zero and it didn't work as I end up stressing more... so I will introduce a reward system the second time.... More work done, the more happy I get and learn not to get too upset when I failed to meet the criteria I set up (that happened in the summer holiday which break me eventually leading to half yearlies)
3. Get some bloody sleep, don't worry about not getting enough done if I did not have enough sleep....
4. I will do something called 'controlled procrastination'- it is just impossible for someone like me to not procrastinate so I will time it throughout the day
5. Just chill the fuck out, I cannot work properly if I am always tense
6. Focus on understanding contents rather than marks (as what most have told me)... I was told that someone getting higher results doesn't mean they understand stuff better than those with lower results (because that person who stuffed up probably pick up their game, learn their mistakes and remembered them). If I think about it a good example will be Opengangs- he may get lower results in English over someone scraping a band 6, but he is more capable of teaching others the contents..... His ATAR may not be something I wanted, but having had him mark my essay and chat with him here and there (a long time ago)- I do respect him deeply
7. Focus on my upcoming assessments entirely, ignore trials for now... I cannot deal with multiple things at the same time... When time permits I will get back to my half yearly papers and fix up everything that I screw up... If I
DO NOT
understand anything I will pop it up in the forums or get my teacher to help me[/b]There are also some slight modification of my activities:
1. Before I always lock myself in a room in the library during my frees to study, however I always tense up... It really sucks when procrastinating merely distract you from priorities but did not help you relax... so now I play games with my friends during my free and study at home instead with a less tense vibe (wrecking my schoolmates in half-life and counter strike 1.6 or Source feels great- yep we use the local server at the library so some may be able to relate)
2. Ignoring ranks in the meantime... My desires were selfish to begin with so just work my ass off and ignore the progress of others.... If everyone do well it will help me out anyway... (ideally I want myself to get the top marks)
I will update my progress here.... I am not going to post anything stress-related anymore... IT IS DONE!!!!... Whether I fulfill my schedule or not, as long as I progress I should be fine
Post by: clovvy on June 10, 2018, 05:47:11 pm
I barely made it, I was able to get over it at last and today was the first time I work without any feeling of anxiety..... I know that I lost over 6 weeks but now just work at my own paste and ignore marks for now....
So today I am working through Binomial theorem from the fitzy book, and in all honesty I do not find this topic too difficult at all.... Like I remember how a lot of people are telling me that it is the hardest or one of the hardest topic in 3U... I find it easier than a couple of topics lol.... I mean just pummelling through a couple of tricky questions and theory behind all this nonsense (with assistance of my tutor) feels amazing.....
And I am slowly learning LaTEX as well and I find it quite satisfying if the code went successful, one day I will be able to type those like Rui or Jamon haha....
I guess I am able to start typing up my own questions when photo files are too big haha..... Well once I don't feel any anxiety learning this stuff is not too hard
Post by: clovvy on June 21, 2018, 05:47:41 pm
My english teacher noticed that I am showing abnormal behaviours in class and she seemed concerned so after the lesson finished, she decided to talk to me regarding the issue... she told me that I knew the content well and perhaps better than everyone in class as she saw my work but I simply cannot put it on paper on the day ( and there is a lot of discussions regarding anxiety and perfectionism)... She told me that putting my expectations super high could be the cause of severe anxiety and failure to actually do the work ( as I end up feeling overwhelmed over the amount of workload needed to be done)... A lot of things have happened for sure... I mean just imagine wanting to drop out, considering to withdraw etc... This is a lot for sure...
Afterschool, I went to see my GP over my blocked nose, and he also asked me about how things are going for me in yr 12 (he was making sure that I am ok and have some form of support network since he was aware of my anxiety too)...
Post by: clovvy on June 24, 2018, 03:13:51 pm
I was able to recover from my half-yearly failures and recent screw ups a lot quicker now... As a result I was able to think more clearly then before... Now I was able to actually plan and use my logics more, as well as making better judgements (I realised how clouded my judgements are when I was in the cycle)..
Today I tried exercising and noticed that my stamina have drastically reduced and that I am lacking energy... And when I weigh myself, I was very close to 100kg (I am about 1.83m).... Which means the impact was detrimental to my physical health... It is understandable since my eating pattern was very irregular (from not eating to indulging anything on sight till I am very full,- like finishing off a $22 HSP at once at Metro one or eating $15 HSP with 2 pides, or eating 2 bowls of food at once, consuming over 500g of meat in a day- the list goes on)... I noticed that when I get stressed I barely move around which explains why...
Overall, all I am doing right now is ignoring the past and do what I can for the day..
Post by: clovvy on June 26, 2018, 03:39:19 pm
That aside, I did end up ordering tickets for the lectures anyway.... If I did end up not going I will cancel them and notify members to make sure someone had the chance to go
Post by: clovvy on June 27, 2018, 08:59:57 pm
As time goes I am beginning to hate physics, particularly HSC physics... I truly regret dropping modern history now since I drop it out of anger of not being able to do extension history (that was a very stupid decision)..... This subject is difficult to understand and I am not even doing as well as I hoped..... At times I just want to quit already since the band 6 is drifting even further away from me (that goes to all of my other subjects too since half-yearlies)..... At the end HSC is just resentment, anger, regret, suffering, and disappointments....... If the mark difference between me and the top guys are huge (currently 30 marks different) , even if I did really well I will be scaled down by my cohort and they will get all the fortune.. I don't want that... If I were to treat this year as a practice year and actually get serious with HSC next year then I could potentially waste 1 whole year...... man I am just not ready to get hit with any more terrible results... this is too much to bear....
Post by: clovvy on June 28, 2018, 06:01:36 pm
I don't even want to see my physics paper again from task 3 and I have a 4U exam tomorrow.... I doubt I will survive well this year..... I am weak after all..
I am not strong like Jamon, he was able to come back quickly after barely passing 3U, me on the other hand failed 3U after disappointment with half-yearlies overall...... Trials worth 40% for maths and 30% for english and sciences.... that band 6 is drifting further away from me.... My mindset isn't good..
Can I make it this year??
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 28, 2018, 06:57:51 pm
Can I make it this year??
Yes you can! :) hang in there!! It's never too late to turn things around and improve your results, but you won't do that approaching it negatively. Stay positive! :)
Post by: clovvy on July 02, 2018, 08:07:33 pm
I got chem on monday and I know there is only so much I could do... I I just rush my dot point and hsc chem exam passpapers within that 2 days... Today was the exam.... I feel pretty confident when I saw the paper and I did everything, when I finished (except for one question which is a 3 marker), I have 10 minutes to spare so I checked everything that I know, and realised I screw up a whole question so I went through the process of eliminating mistakes, then attempt the question I am not confident with... I believe I should be ok for that... I have my 4U exam on Wednesday so I am hoping that I will be fine then...
Overall progress: I was able to cope with screw ups better for now, I did get my english mark back which is 8/20 but I was almost unaffected... The teacher told me I knew the content better than anyone and from the analysis and drafts I showed her, it is great... it is a matter of self-confidence and put them on paper in exam situations...
Post by: clovvy on July 04, 2018, 10:32:22 pm
I hope I could keep this up...
Post by: clovvy on July 05, 2018, 06:27:32 pm
Post by: Razeen25 on July 05, 2018, 07:31:47 pm
Got my result for 4U back and it is completely out of my expectation that I pass my 4U assessment since I thought I did worse..... I guess I don't have to fail the third time at all........... Not very impressed but at least better.... The focus right now is on trials
Aww see, you're getting there!! :)
Post by: clovvy on July 17, 2018, 07:28:09 pm
I am feeling so much fear that I am aware I am becoming unproductive, and soon the results can punish me and that is the last thing I want to happen... Like I still have this week and the next two weeks for trials, but I steel feel like this is not enough time at all considering where I am at in everything... I am feeling very scared that I couldn't even think when I am trying to do questions...... I felt stupid, and I don't want to be stupid.. I am afraid of being stupid... and I also know that having a negative mind can hinder my progress.... I even doubt surviving well this year, devastation and exhaustion with crap marks is the last thing I want..... I feel like quitting too many times but circumstances did not allow me to... I pushed myself over my limit and I break, but I felt that I haven't done enough at all, others can finish the same amount of workload within a much shorter period of time.... this is unfair....
Post by: clovvy on July 31, 2018, 02:59:14 pm
Honestly I don't expect this at all considering how I was down pretty much the whole time.... Never in a million years would I expect that after barely passing chemistry and apparently it is a topic most would struggle with... SO happy that I am finally getting momentum...
Post by: Joseph41 on July 31, 2018, 03:00:22 pm
Got my chem 3rd assessment back, I came 2nd in the whole cohort for it and lost just by 1 MARK!!!
Honestly I don't expect this at all considering how I was down pretty much the whole time.... Never in a million years would I expect that after barely passing chemistry and apparently it is a topic most would struggle with... SO happy that I am finally getting momentum...
Amazing!
That's absolutely brilliant, clovvy. Love it!
Post by: clovvy on July 31, 2018, 03:02:21 pm
Amazing!Haha thanks!!
That's absolutely brilliant, clovvy. Love it!
Post by: clovvy on August 21, 2018, 11:00:54 pm
Got my 3U trials back, only 42/70 and cannot recover my rank because I lost to someone just by one mark, most of the marks lost are from silly mistakes.. Terribly disheartened and angry, trials definitely don't satisfy it and did not make up for my overall internals... I know from experience how not being able to bounce back (half yearlies) have caused detriment to my marks (at least I did approach trials differently)... Now I know that in two months I could potentially make up for it which is really hard, I experience a lot of pain after trials just to bump my marks up, and the fact that I hardly see any good results... I abhor the very thoughts of getting 80s ... I cannot accept 89 even, just cannot... I am not ready to get hit again.... The school have been highly supportive and really tried to keep me healthy mentally, even allows me to repeat yr 12 there if I want next year... I don't think I am ready to face terrible results at this point and not mentally prepared to leave school yet (I am afraid I won't survive uni either, what are my chances of getting HD average? I haven't build a solid study habit)...
My effort to bounce back has been really difficult, bouncing back from half yearlies took me like over 3 months then trials comes in by that time, so it did impact me a great deal... Some remaining 2% hope still keeps me going somehow, hoping that NESA may take me out of the moderation system if I did really well and take into consideration all the bullcrap that happened, but what are the odds of that happening? Sure I am under special provisions but?
Post by: clovvy on August 22, 2018, 05:47:45 pm
But the main concern is English, Physics and Chemistry.. While Chemistry not too much as I am at least above average, english I should be above average.... But physics was extremely worrying... My rank dropped a lot after trials and the gap between the top rank was far too huge.... My fear is even if I did good in HSC I am afraid the overall mark will be dragged down by the cohort as well as the rank (unfortunately the system simply work that way)... I do not trust my cohort for these subjects as the average were poor.. However there is that remaining 2% hope that still keeps me going despite how painful it is to just keep working after those marks.. Keeping motivation is extremely difficult and painful.. I want to quit hsc too many times due to the pain... I know that NESA also take special considerations that may affect the moderation system (like remove someone from getting moderation)... But I can't rely on that and I don't know what the chances are for this... There is only so much I could do so I am doing just that...
Progress after trials so far
At the very least I am doing something, updating my notes after trials despite the pain I am feeling (mistake I made was inability to move on after half yearlies, which cost me my overall internals).... I am starting to remember and understand contents again... And procrastination have been very minimal (pain was always there, anger, frustration, disappointments, wanting to quit, demotivation...). Good thing is now I can work at my own pace given that the HSC will assess everything that I am learning, perhaps I could make it up in the HSC all my crap marks... Although 98 seems unreachable already.. I put 96 as my benchmark (that also seems somewhat unreachable judging from internal ranks and gap differences alone)... Band 6 in physics and english seems unreachable (english has more possibility it sees, band 5 is the most likely result).. E4 in both maths is definitely not out of reach, and band 6 in chemistry is definitely doable... Although I will hate it if I get 89.95 below, at least I can repeat my HSC if that happens (worst case scenario)..
Post by: clovvy on August 23, 2018, 07:24:08 pm
As painful as trials is, all internals are over.. yes I don't have to ever see them again yet I am afraid at the same time that school will be over soon.... I am not mentally prepared to leave yet especially with unsatisfaction... I don't want to waste my time anymore due to severe stress, so I did more and more work and I have seen almost no procrastination after that (except the pain that I am consistently experiencing).....
Post by: Poet on August 23, 2018, 07:51:43 pm
So I am seeing the psychiatrist today and also get my special provisions form filled in.... I am diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, panic disorder and major depression disorder as well as getting prescribed with Fluoxetine due to my mental conditions.... I mean it really sucked that yr 12 end up being like this when I intended this to become the best year of school......Hello clovvy,
As painful as trials is, all internals are over.. yes I don't have to ever see them again yet I am afraid at the same time that school will be over soon.... I am not mentally prepared to leave yet especially with unsatisfaction... I don't want to waste my time anymore due to severe stress, so I did more and more work and I have seen almost no procrastination after that (except the pain that I am consistently experiencing).....
I’m sorry to hear about the diagnosis, but glad to hear you’re still pushing through. I’m on fluoxetine, too, and after a few weeks it should help you. It’s helped me a bit. Not procrastinating is also a great improvement. You might not see it right now, but you’re doing better than you think. You’re pushing through. And you’ll make it to the end – no matter the outcome, do the best you can, and you won’t regret it. You’re cared for, Clovvy. Remember that, if you need it, there’s always people ready to help you. :)
Post by: clovvy on August 31, 2018, 07:53:58 pm
Judging from marks and internals alone I felt as though I am very far from my atar goal and the never-ending cycle of negative thoughts are not helping and I have learn that in the hard way from trials (I obsess over getting dux and end up duxing nothing)... My atar goal initially was 98 but I was happy with a 95+... Now however I doubt getting even 90+ with the rate I am going (especially after bombing physics and left the majority the questions unanswered)... Motivation is hard and I am feeling pain everyday.. I suffered a great deal mentally in yr 12..... But I am forced to finish it so I do need to adapt to this unpleasant situation...
At least I was able to work and consistently work despite the pain and procrastination have reduced a lot... Once I have my overall marks and ranks, I might need to set up a new strategy to get to my atar goal of a 93+ (since 98 is not even realistic anymore, if I do get it then great)..
Post by: clovvy on September 02, 2018, 03:28:17 pm
Went to the open day as a time off and also to get info about engo and science (those are my main interest)..
And out of the blue I bump into Isaac and I swear whenever I went to anything AN related I always bump into him every single time since the summer holidays lectures.... This time he was with the UN soc... Whilst engineering looks amazing at UNSW, the science falls short to Usyd's and they do not have projects that works with VRs... And also met Jake out of nowhere at the physics booth... Though I kinda wish I see Jamon around there at the engineering section but I did not..... Even though I could get into any of those if I wanted to and the atars should be achievable, it disheartens me how my overall performance go due to severe stress..... Now I am seeing how useless it is to stress out too much and it cost me my trials (tho I am at least above average except physics)... Now I am able to control my emotions and thoughts a lot better and having to acknowledge how painful it is to go through something you don't like or somewhat forced to continue with a situation you don't even like.... As well as having to accept things if they are not perfect or not done as specifically as I intended...
I did lower my atar goal at the end due to how 'unrealistic' it is compared to how I go overall and my overall ranks to hoping to scrap 90+ even though I wanted 98+ initially (I don't know if its possible but chances look very slim tho I never know)...
Today
I was going through harder inequalities and I was enjoying it a great deal and this time I am far more successful in putting aside my pain, anger and the past events that I could not accept.. All I am doing right now is discontinuing my past mistakes and I am seeing how quickly I learned when I am not stressed... (I lost to someone in 3U just by one despite the other guy doing a hell lot more questions than I do due to my severe stress and anxiety which prevented me from working properly tho I still work under poor mental health condition) ... I believe the hardest thing about hsc is to actually use past mistakes and failure as motivation... Jamon and many others were able to do this before trials and ideally I wished that happen way before trials... But everyone is just different and others recover much slower than the other....
As much as I hate to not see my atar goal, I cannot think about that now.. If I absolutely smash the exams despite poor ranks (not exactly dead bottom or below for most).. I am sure that the moderation may favour me quite a bit (given my conditions during the year).. It couldn't be as simple as what was explained to me since they have to make it 'fair'..
Post by: clovvy on September 07, 2018, 06:10:46 pm
Overall progress was quite pleasing, I have already finished 3 3U hsc papers and intending to finish all from 1990-2017, this also goes for 4U maths too... Today and yesterday I have finished 2007 chemistry and physics hsc papes excluding option topics... So I am happy with my progress overall for now and more boxes to tick off is really satisfying... I reckon this hsc really push me out of my comfort zone and force me to work under undesirable conditions...
I believe I can at least scab 90+ to be happy with since 98 seems far too unrealistic (there may still be a chance, but I don't know and nor do I care for now)...
Post by: clovvy on September 08, 2018, 08:06:52 pm
Now with all these gone, I am not even sure for what reason I am doing this, why I am aiming for these atars to begin with, and why do I want to get into uni? I think I am way too childish and I have not matured at all over the past years.. I am turning 18 5 days after my final hsc exam, but I am not ready to go out to the real world just yet.... I wonder who ever thought about this?
Post by: fantasticbeasts3 on September 08, 2018, 09:49:53 pm
Can I just say it's been so great reading your journey -- you've come so far since just a few months ago. :-) Mindset is everything throughout the HSC and it's been so good to see you're leaning towards positivity lately. Well done!
This is a bit of a loaded question but do you know what kind of career you want? I know it's hard but revenge shouldn't be at the forefront of getting a good ATAR. The most important thing is you do it for yourself, and that leads back into career. Uni is one pathway to a career, so your ATAR aim should feed into your future, you get me? A bit on the maturity thing too -- I can relate. As a first-year uni student looking back on the HSC, I don't think you need to worry a lot about that. You kinda do it as you go and life is a learning process anyway! :-)
All the best :-)
Post by: clovvy on September 09, 2018, 10:11:49 pm
Hi clovvy!The truth is, I don't really know what I wanted to do next... Although I have expressed interest in the stem field mainly.... Jobwise I am not sure, careerwise I am not sure either...
Can I just say it's been so great reading your journey -- you've come so far since just a few months ago. :-) Mindset is everything throughout the HSC and it's been so good to see you're leaning towards positivity lately. Well done!
This is a bit of a loaded question but do you know what kind of career you want? I know it's hard but revenge shouldn't be at the forefront of getting a good ATAR. The most important thing is you do it for yourself, and that leads back into career. Uni is one pathway to a career, so your ATAR aim should feed into your future, you get me? A bit on the maturity thing too -- I can relate. As a first-year uni student looking back on the HSC, I don't think you need to worry a lot about that. You kinda do it as you go and life is a learning process anyway! :-)
All the best :-)
Post by: clovvy on September 28, 2018, 09:39:09 pm
Today I ended blocking people from my school on my contact list as means to disable them from asking for my atar.. In total I have blocked 40 of my school mates...
Post by: clovvy on October 07, 2018, 06:28:40 pm
But what's more important is saving as much marks as possible in HSC, as well as try to NOT worry about ATAR until my very last exam... Although anxiety is very badly triggered, and I have so many instanced where I just want to quit HSC altogether... Sometimes there is that tiny bit of hope that I can at least scrap 90.00 ATAR that I would be content with (not impressed with but content with)... I have received all the help that I can so I really want to make sure that I don't waste them..
Post by: clovvy on October 08, 2018, 06:30:45 pm
Now I am tired after a 5 hour exam period and now I am going to rest and perhaps one of the rare occasions where I felt that my break is very strongly deserved so it is satisfying... furthermore, I was able to surpress my inner impulsive behaviour which is also a good thing so I don't get angry as much AND I do not engage in impulsive behaviours that I could regret later, hence I think I can break this cycle at the very least..
Post by: clovvy on October 10, 2018, 08:38:46 pm
I was walking to Kingsford to have Lan Zhou La Mian as I felt that I have worked quite alright and pretty happy about it....But an unfortunate occurs... My phone fell out of my pocket cracked heavily...Whilst it still have its original function and still works, the touch screen is perfectly fine.... However the graphic was very badly damaged and even worse I have A LOT of important documents in it T_T, but thankfully half of it is still clear enough for me to write down the important details so they are not lost in any way...
Once home I decided to watch the new season of Sword Art Online first episode that came up recently... It was the Alicization arc and it was epic!! Good way to end the night but RIP Redmi note 4 ~late 2016-9th October 2018~7:30pmish
Today my English teacher announces through email that she is at school for a certain hour and I can get direct feedback from her if I come and it was raining heavily (But I came anyway to discuss some stuff regarding my creative)... Since story doesn't seem to work for me, I have a different approach to creative writing that no one in my school does, it is in the form of a poem so to speak... Attempt the JRAHS English Trial paper for 2 hours and get a panic attack during exam simulation (similar to what happened during my half yearlies and some of my trial exams)... I better get used to it by the time the HSC comes...
Post by: clovvy on October 19, 2018, 02:09:11 pm
Paper 2 is probably what I do not expect the most since I never EVER complete a full paper under two hours and during trials I have a breakdown and I used up all of my rest breaks that the deputy actually came to check up on me.... But in the HSC I only take one rest breaks after I finish 2 of my essays and then when I start on my last one I realised I have more than enough time to spare so I did extend my essay a little bit and finished with 5 minutes to spare and check my responses with minor changes here and there.... I am happy overall.....
Now I can focus on my other subjects without any worry and once HSC is done I will still attend classes unofficially until my HSC results came out to determine whether I move on or redo my HSC again...
Post by: clovvy on October 25, 2018, 10:46:49 pm
Although the most common suggestion is if I don't get the ATAR I wanted I can just transfer with average of 75+ which is something that I don't want to do... so I still have the option of repeating HSC in mind... while the argument against it is that I don't learn 'anything new', at the same time I haven't quite figured out what I really wanted..........
While I am trying to just focus on the next exam and not be concerned about what's done (I have failed to do this throughout the year)... All I have to do is just finish all of the exams I have and then I will decide.... although teachers may thought it is exciting to finally graduate, they may assume everyone is looking forward to graduating....I do not.... Unless my results are good enough even though I may not necessarily be satisfied with it.... I really don't want to be anywhere below the top 10% of the HSC pyramid... I will never accept that no matter what... this is why a HD average in uni while doing difficult courses may cancel out the effects of HSC maybe since it is a lot harder to get 90+ WAM over 90+ ATAR...
Post by: RuiAce on October 25, 2018, 10:53:25 pm
Post by: clovvy on October 30, 2018, 11:37:57 pm
Post by: headsup on October 31, 2018, 06:17:05 am
I truly believe it was a tough exam..... I basically didn't get most of the questions.... The most important thing now is to move on and focus on the remaining 2 exams that you have with the hope to boost your ATAR overall.... I think a lot of people are feeling the same but it is important not to sweat things that cannot be changed!!
Best of luck with your final exams! You can do this.
Post by: clovvy on October 31, 2018, 11:13:30 am
Heyy!!!thanks man... yea I am trying my best to both learn and cope with stress at the same time... physics is by far my weakest so I am hoping I did ok somewhat...
I truly believe it was a tough exam..... I basically didn't get most of the questions.... The most important thing now is to move on and focus on the remaining 2 exams that you have with the hope to boost your ATAR overall.... I think a lot of people are feeling the same but it is important not to sweat things that cannot be changed!!
Best of luck with your final exams! You can do this.
Post by: Bri MT on November 01, 2018, 09:31:26 am
I felt shattered after my maths exams. I wanted to do specialist (hard VCE maths) but my school didn't offer it so I did methods (medium VCE maths). When I did my practice exams I was doing great & I remember going a lecturer at a revision lecture my school organised saying I had a good chance of getting 45+ (top 2 percent of the state). But I overly focused and was thrown on exam day by two things a) an incorrect graph in the last question b) the fact that rank 1 hadn't done any exam preparation and wasn't going to try. My SACs were scaled to a C+ and I scored a B+ on exam 1.
I questioned everything. How arrogant was I to think I could get 45+ when I didn't even get 35+? How did I think I could have done spec? Was I actually no good at maths?
Now I'm in uni doing maths harder than specialist and I haven't sat my exam yet but my past couple of assignments have been HDs.
At the start of the year I was bitter about my math scores, but with time I've moved on, and so have my scores.
It's unlikely to happen overnight, but you'll be able to move on & see that your performance here doesn't define you too.
Post by: clovvy on December 13, 2018, 06:42:58 am
Post by: charlottemchenry on December 13, 2018, 07:20:34 pm