ATAR Notes: Forum
HSC Stuff => HSC Subjects + Help => HSC Marking and Feedback => Topic started by: undertale on July 17, 2018, 11:44:33 pm
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Hello, here is an essay answering the 2014 HSC Question -
"To what extent does the criminal investigation process balance the rights of victims, suspects and society".
I'd really appreciate any feedback at all i can get!! (Also let me know what mark this would get out of 15.. just curious)
Thanks!! :)
- K
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Hey there,
I've put comments on the essay itself on how you can improve; it's not a bad essay per se, but I wouldn't say that it's an A-range essay at the moment.
Just a few other pointers:
- For paragraphs, these aren't really the best to use for this question. The bail paragraph works really well, but that's it. Instead, I would recommend a police powers paragraph, a bail paragraph, and a preventative detention paragraph(this one's super good as it's got loads of reform and news articles)
- Your arguments don't really flow that well. Stick to one argument, then make the counter-argument, then have your evaluation.
- Stop using evident! Mix it up a little with complex and varied language like 'demonstrated', 'exemplified', 'highlighted' etc
- When talking about reform, think about what spurred the government to make this reform, whether it be a statistic report from BOCSAR, a case that caused controversy or there being too much money spent on the system. Then, put it in your essay for a more sophisticated argument!
I'm somewhat hesitant to give a specific mark to the essay, but imo it's in the 10-12 range right now because of these reasons. Just keep working on it and you can get into that A-range though, all hope's not lost until the morning of the exam!
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Hey Hey,
May be a tad late but was scrolling through the forum and I love legal studies so was always going to have a read of this. Interesting question as well.
The document with comments is attached - it is quite detailed yet I get on a roll about some things because I just enjoy talking about it haha. Hopefully you find it useful though.
I really like your essay, however your arguments need to be more sophisticated and developed. You need to flesh out what the rights of victims, society and suspects actually looks like and how each law/case either hinders these/upholds these. If you do this in the intro, then the marker will have an easy time following it throughout the rest of your essay and then make sure you do it consistently throughout. Police powers would definetley be an option for a paragraph in this essay, however I LOVE the DNA paragraph as I think its just so interesting. Just make sure you provide an adequate link to society. If you can, your're set !
Your LCMD is outstanding, you just need to flesh out your argument a bit more and this could definetley head to a 13-15 range.
At the moment I'd give it a 12, because your LCMD is excellent and links to your argument however this argument needs to be more explicit.
Hope this helps !