ATAR Notes: Forum
HSC Stuff => HSC Subjects + Help => HSC Marking and Feedback => Topic started by: holky on October 06, 2018, 05:06:13 pm
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Hi, so I'd really appreciate some feedback on my creative so far. I'm writing three poems which are all related to each other, because I suck at writing stories woops - I've only finished two of the three so far, and I'd really appreciate some feedback on them. Thanks x
I
I begged and pleaded, “Don't make me do it"
Mum ignored or didn't hear, turning to
Perfect my pony, ready for my cue.
My heart sunk, filled with dread, desperate to quit.
At side of stage, quite clearly an ill fit
Among seasoned dancers. Faked stomach flu
Would do no good, or maybe I could spew.
Too late, pushed on stage a crude counterfeit.
The lights seemed to glare with scorching judgement,
But this soon transformed to a warm embrace.
As the dance captured my body, I soared
Over the stage. I could never have dreamt
The stage would entice my love, find its place,
But so it had and it had struck a chord.
II
I hadn’t touched a stage or script or dance
In a century. Though I tried to stay,
There was always something got in the way.
I had to accept I had lost my chance.
My heart ached to return to that glad trance,
No thoughts, just bounding bliss, happy and gay.
My heart wept when I had to go away,
For I would miss the stage and her romance.
I saw the notice one day, and I knew
It was time to return to my past sweet.
She welcomed me with a whirl of action.
Nerves plagued and haunted me, but I pushed through,
Reminding me the stage made me complete.
My heart sung, I remembered my passion.
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Hey, so I've now finished the third sonnet and would love some feedback on all three
III
My love affair with the stage had been long
And full of laughter, sweat and back-breaking work.
Sometimes the effort had made me berserk,
So they couldn’t say I didn’t belong.
By age eighty, the stage had made me strong
And I was still not quite ready to shirk
My love of the stage off to some young jerk.
I thought I had to keep singing my song.
Some said I was too old to keep going,
They said me and the stage had to part ways.
I tried to deny that my race was run
But I knew there was no use in hoping.
Grief in my heart, I’d remember always.
My love affair with the stage was now done.
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a note of caution: i have seen questions/stimuli which specify the type of creative you write in. I've also seen specific that you can write in any form except poetry.
other than that, its a pretty neat set of poems; i particularly like the ABBA- esque rhyme, you've made it fit very well.